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emotionallychargedtowel · 7 months

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Sand, compulsive caregiver

Something struck me when I was watching episode 5 of Only Friends, and as the show goes on, I can see more and more clearly how significant it was. Like a lot of folks I’ve been discussing the show with and whose posts about it I’ve been reading on here, I had already noticed that Sand was remarkably willing to take care of Ray even though he didn’t offer him much in return. From the first time they met, when he gave him a ride and a safe place to crash so he wouldn’t drive drunk even though he was incredibly belligerent to him, through episode 5 and beyond, Sand has always been ready to rescue Ray at a moment’s notice and asks very little in return. He’s down bad for Ray, certainly, but that doesn’t entirely account for it. And then Sand introduced Ray to his mother and everything clicked.

When Ray first meets Sand’s mom, she sits down with them and takes a big swig of her drink. “Don’t overdo it,” Sand tells her. “The doctor is going to scold you at your health checkup next week.” “You keep nagging at me, you know that?” she responds. “Who between us is the mother, exactly?” My psychology antennae went right up for that. Then Sand’s mom tells Ray, “This guy never stops working. Did you know he sends himself to school? On top of paying the debts I made, that is.” Yep. The ol’ antennae were going off big time by this point.

Later, Ray and Sand are at Sand’s place and Ray remarks, “Your mother is so cool. She seems so understanding.” Sand agrees. “She is. She raised me all by herself. We’re like friends, so I can talk to her about anything.”

That was all the confirmation I needed to feel assured in saying that Sand is a parentified child.

If you aren’t familiar with the term, parentification is a phenomenon in which a child is placed in a parental role or given parental responsibilities that are not age-appropriate. When parentification occurs on a large scale, it’s a form of neglect. Experts divide parentification into two types, which can appear separately or together: emotional parentification and instrumental parentification. Emotional parentification involves meeting the emotional needs of parents (who are often not emotionally available to the child in return), being responsible for the emotional needs of siblings in a parent-like manner, or having inappropriate responsibilities like defusing conflicts and keeping the peace. Instrumental parentification involves being required to help meet more concrete needs. Kids who experience instrumental parentification may have to take care of basic family needs like grocery shopping and cooking or may be given more responsibility for caring for their siblings than is appropriate for their stage of development.

A number of things we know about Sand and his mom show that Sand was parentified. The fact that he has been paying off his mother’s loans while putting himself through school is an example of parentification still occurring in the present. Sometimes a parent isn’t in the position to pay for their child’s education. But having him pay off her debts? At his age? That’s a case of role reversal, and a form of instrumental parentification. It’s unlikely that this is something that only came up when Sand was a young adult. I’d bet he’s been doing important tasks for his mother since he was quite young.

The fact that Sand says his mother is like a friend sounds good on paper. And in some ways it is a good thing. He says he can “talk to her about anything,” which implies he confides in her as well as the other way around. It’s not uncommon for emotionally parentified children to be expected to act as confidantes for their parents while not being able to turn to their parents for the same kind of support in return. (This is a form of parentification I experienced myself.) So Sand is making out better than some parentified kids in that the support goes both ways. But the way he talks about his mother like an equal is still not a great sign, since it suggests that roles in this family-of-two are more permeable than they should be. Parent-child relationships aren’t supposed to be symmetrical, at least not until the child is a full-fledged adult. The child is supposed to be able to expect more emotional support from their parent than they provide in return, and they shouldn’t be asked to provide certain kinds of support at all. And again, this seems like a pattern that was set in place at a time when this expectation was even less age-appropriate than it is at the time of the story.

In addition to the categories of emotional and instrumental parentification, there’s another typology that is based on the kinds of roles that a child may be asked to fill: parent-focused, sibling-focused, and spouse-focused parentification. The parent-focused type involves acting like a surrogate parent for their parent. Sibling-focused refers to acting in a parental role for your siblings. And spouse-focused parentification, sometimes called spousification, involves acting like a spouse for your parent. In my search for information on parentification, I found some cases in which spousification had a seductive, sexualized component in which the child is treated like a spouse in the most inappropriate of ways. But in other cases, it only referred to expecting a child to perform spouse-like functions like emotional support, without involving that seductive aspect.

Sand didn’t have siblings, thankfully. If he had, he probably would have been relied upon to provide a lot of care for them. He may have experienced parent-focused parentification. The way he treats his mother as if he’s her parent, as she herself points out, is an indication of parent-focused parentification. Given the fact that his relationship with his mother seems to be pretty reciprocal, I think there was an aspect that we could call spousification as well, but not in the seductive sense of that term. Rather, his mother seems to have regarded him–indeed, to still regard him in many ways–as a sort of familial life partner.

So what does this mean for Sand as a young adult starting to form relationships? Mostly, it points toward exactly the type of dynamics we’ve already seen come up between him and Ray. John Bowlby, one of the most influential early theorists on attachment, wrote that parentified children often grow up to be “compulsive caregivers.” Sound like anyone we know? Sand starts taking care of Ray almost as soon as he sets eyes on him, then keeps showing up for him again and again. Even after Ray humiliates him at the bar and calls him a whore in the parking lot in episode 6, he still follows him to monitor his safety and, when he gets in a car accident just as Sand feared he would, rescues him and takes him to the hospital. He even takes him home from the hospital and helps him bathe. Compulsive caregiving sounds about right.

There’s a new meta-analysis by Dariotis and colleagues that came out this summer that integrates findings on parentification across 95 studies. It has some interesting things to say about its aftereffects. The strongest finding across studies is that parentification is linked with depressive symptoms and internalizing problems (i.e., problems associated with turning difficult feelings inward). The studies they analyzed also pointed toward a number of factors that could be involved in how and why parentification leads to these outcomes. They include attachment style (parentification is often associated with a lack of secure attachment) and rejection sensitivity. In relationships, they write, “issues of trust and fear” often come up. They note that in one study, adolescents who had been parentified avoided emotional intimacy and had a hard time accepting support from others.

How well does this map onto Sand? Pretty darned well. We don’t know if Sand has depressive tendencies. When it comes to internalizing, most people have a tendency to either internalize more or externalize more, and given the way Sand cultivates a cool, seemingly unaffected demeanor in public and how much punishment he takes from Ray without fighting back, I think Sand tends to internalize more.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Sand had an insecure attachment style. He shows signs of anxious attachment in his pursuit of Ray, but also seems avoidant in some ways, as when he acts like he isn’t getting hung up on Ray when he clearly is. And although, in a similar way, he denies it most of the time, he’s very sensitive to rejection from Ray. Even though Ray usually fails to notice (because he doesn’t attend to Sand’s feelings well in the slightest), viewers get lots of signals that Sand is suffering when Ray pushes him away or minimizes their relationship.

Finally, it would track if Sand avoided emotional intimacy and had a hard time accepting support from others. If so, it would make perfect sense that he’d feel so drawn to Ray, someone who will make achieving emotional intimacy difficult (because he’s unlikely to return his feelings and be demonstrative about it) and who is unlikely to offer support that Sand would have a difficult time receiving. (In this regard, Sand is a classic pursuer–he acts like he wants intimacy but chooses a prospective partner who distances himself, allowing him to continue seeking intimacy without having to face the fears that would come up if he actually received the degree of closeness he claims to want.)

There is some good news for parentified children in Dariotis et al.’s meta-analysis. Positive effects of parentification haven’t been studied much, but when researchers looked for them, they found that it could be linked with greater resilience and positive coping skills. Sand does seem to be good at coping with adversity in some ways. He’s definitely someone you would want to have around in a crisis. He was remarkably level-headed after Ray’s accident. When goaded by Boston, he didn’t respond in an ill-advised combative way, and when Ray impulsively went after Boston, he tried to hold him back.

Sand clearly faced a lot of difficulties to get to the point he has reached at the time of the story. The fact that he has had to put himself through college and pay off his mother’s debts is far from ideal, but the fact that he was able to do this is truly remarkable. One factor linked to positive outcomes for parentified children is praise and validation from parents for their efforts. Sand’s mother seems to recognize all that he has done for her. She praises him when talking to Ray and since this doesn’t seem remarkable to Sand, I’m guessing she does so regularly. This bodes well for Sand’s ability to bounce back from parentification in adulthood.

If Sand can just get past, or at least mitigate, his compulsive caregiving and learn to assert himself–and frankly, kick the habit of falling for guys like Ray–he could look forward to a pretty healthy future. Much more so, certainly, than most of the central Only Friends characters. It depends on whether he’s ready to learn from the events of the show. Time will tell if he manages to do this in the course of the series; if not, we’ll have to hope he does so later on.

A note about cultural context:

Parentification is a Western concept originated by Americans and Europeans and as Dariotis and colleagues point out, more research is needed to understand whether and how it applies to people in other cultural contexts. In the meantime, the construct has been used in studies around the world to (seemingly) good effect.

Cultural factors will definitely impact how this construct takes shape. For example, in cultures that are more collectivist and/or that place a lot of value on filial piety, responsibilities that would constitute parentification in the U.S. or Europe could be commonplace and, as a result, more benign. One risk factor for negative outcomes that Dariotis et al. mention is if the child has a strong sense of having been treated unfairly. This factor is necessarily culture-bound because children’s sense of the fairness of their roles and responsibilities will undoubtedly come largely from comparing themselves to their peers. If a certain role is commonplace in their culture, this sense of unfairness is unlikely to come up and there’ll be a lower risk of negative outcomes.

For the record, I do believe that parentification does cross cultural lines as a phenomenon, despite the different forms it’s bound to take. And I believe that if a definition of parentification was created that was tailored for a Thai cultural context, it would apply to Sand’s situation with his mother.

#only friends #only friends the series #only friends sand #sand x ray #psychology of bl #parentification #parentified child #compulsive caregiving

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theiaevangelineashwell · 1 year

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I took a test online once

To see if I was the Soldier

The Poet

Or the King

It told me I was the King

I always thought I’d be the poet

I think all kings long to be poets

In the same way that all eldest daughters long to just be children

Why bury your pain for the sake of others when you can turn it into art

Why raise children you didn’t make

But just like the test said

“The sword is at your side”

“It bore your name long before you did”

I never asked it to bear my name

I want to be free of it

But we all want what we are not meant to be

“You are tired of being steady. You dream of feeling alive. Not that you aren't, but, sometimes, it's hard to remember that there is a heart between your ribs.” -@atlanticsea

#poems on tumblr #soldier #poet #king #atlanticsea #spilled thoughts #poetry #soldier poet king #parentified child #eldest daughter

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pain-is-my-game · 1 year

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One of the worst realizations that I have ever made is realizing that all I ever wanted was to be loved by my parents. I never would've turned out like this if they just loved me unconditionally.

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sunlit-mess · 1 year

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Can't catch a break, but even if I did- I don't think I'll be able to either.

#It's unfair that way- Trading happiness over the needs of others #messyr #vent art #artists on tumblr #doodle #savior complex #parentification #parentified child #vent post #toxic behavior #emotionally exhausted #lethargy

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regulusandpandora · 11 months

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i am too much like my father for my mother to love me.

i am too much like my mother for my father to love me.

i am too much like my parents for me to love me.

#mommy issues #daddy issues #parentified child #parentification #regressed emotions #oldest child trauma

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eclipsedbluemoon · 2 years

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You know what's exhausting? Always having to empathise with your mother. Even when you don't want to. Because you think it's your fault that she is feeling the way she is, that you should be the one fixing whatever is wrong in her life even when you warned her before she went ahead and screwed it up for herself, having to hear that she feels guilty for all that she puts me through but not actually doing anything to change it, but still thinking I've too many expectations from her cause she has been through so much. I always wonder if I shouldn't be the understanding one and that I should get to throw a temper tantrum and not have it be invalidated by her but I always go back to feeling evil for thinking that my problems are even remotely as hard as hers. I promise myself and her that I will help her through whatever steps she takes in the future as difficult as it may get but when she takes steps back again, I lose hope and the energy to support her the next time she begins or even actually goes through with it . After all this, I still feel guilty expecting so much from her and say that it will take time for her to get past mental blocks and her trauma and that I should be ready to take every step with her whenever she is ready. It always, always goes from being furious to making excuses for her actions and her decisions and I realise how much I keep hurting myself and blaming myself for things I don't even do.

#random rant #toxic relationship #life rant #random thoughts #mothers #toxic parents #toxic family #toxic mom #guiltrip #parentified child #childhood trauma #mommy issues #only child #divorced parents #family therapist

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mother-of-houseplants-2 · 10 months

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thoughts on the gallagher siblings’ relationships with fiona

and what specific and nuanced role she takes on in their lives—mother, sister, or something in between.

special thanks to @aceyanaheim for not only listening to me ramble on and on about my silly little gallagher siblings thoughts, but also for sharing so many insightful and poignant ideas themselves on the matter. thanks so much for the brain worms! <3

lip

lip’s relationship with his sister is complicated. they’re only four years apart in age, so he’s a little more conscious of fiona’s situation than the other kids.

he doesn’t see it all—fi keeps her struggles a little too under wraps for that—but he knows what she’s had to sacrifice to take care of them all (“i stole so fiona didn’t have to work a third job to cover the bills” s11). he knows how alone she feels (“you’re not supermom; you don’t have to do it all yourself” s3). he knows she struggles (seeing her cry over the sticks and skates job in s1). he knows what she’s lost in the process (“you called her mom” s1). he knows that the kids aren't fair to her a lot of the time ("we've taken you for granted. i know i have" s4).

but as much as lip sees what fiona goes through, as much as he picks up jobs to help out with the bills, as much as he takes care of the little ones, he’s still a kid in need of a mother figure. he still leans on fiona, hard.

all of s2, lip struggles with seeing fiona as a sister vs. a mother. he wants independence, he wants to follow his own plans in life, and he doesn’t want anyone to stop him—in his mind, who’s fiona to tell him what to do? he can drop out if he wants to. he’s done one more year than her! she can’t make him go. she can’t. she’s not his mom.

but, well, isn’t she? he’s still a kid who messed up and needs help. he’s still a boy who can’t go it all alone. he’s still a sixteen year old child who finally comes home and gives his big sister a hug because, despite all his big talk, he needs her. he does. and fiona loves him more than anything. she just wants what’s best for him, even if she struggles to express it in a manner that doesn’t push him away.

lip doesn’t want to call fiona “mom” (s3) but he’s okay with her taking guardianship. and why wouldn’t he be? she’s done the job his whole life. and he sees that.

the problem is that lip, as much as he wants to be independent of fiona, as much as he wants to see her as a sister and not a mom, he can’t help but to idealize her. he still craves for the perfect mom in his head that never messes up and always takes care of them, and since monica for sure was never going to be that mom, he’s superimposed that desire over fiona. but that version of her doesn’t exist. that version of any mother doesn’t exist. mothers are human. they mess up. they make mistakes. even if no one wants them to.

so when fiona messes up (s3 with the club money, s4 with liam, s8 with the apartment, s9 with the drinking) it’s unthinkable to him. he’s furious with her—rightfully so, she did mess up—but he’s disproportionately angry because she was supposed to be their mom! she was supposed to be good and never fuck up and always take care of them! so when she breaks that image of perfection in his head, it shatters his trust in her, somewhat unfairly so.

fiona’s not allowed to mess up. she can’t. she’s not supposed to. she’s supposed to be the one taking care of everyone, not in need of care herself. lip is understanding and gentle and supportive when it’s ian or debbie or carl, and fiona’s the same with him, but when fiona’s spiraling into addiction and her life is falling apart, he’s all tough love. maybe it terrifies him.

when she leaves, it’s obviously sad. but he’s grown by then to know that she’s her own person, not just a mother figure to them all. it’s hard. but he’s at that point that everyone comes to in life when they realize their parents are individuals with their own lives and hopes and dreams. and he lets her go.

at the end of the day, a huge part of lip’s relationships with fiona is his eternal struggle between wanting independence and wanting a mom—and not just any mom, but a mom he can trust and love and depend on. that mom is fiona, even when she fucks up.

ian

ian was fiona’s first baby. he was the first child she really, truly raised—lip was always her boy, but he was also her second-in-command, blurring the lines between brother and son, working together with her to take care of the others—while ian was the first baby she was all on her own for. the “we were living in a car once…” speech in s3 makes that clear.

in the early seasons, it’s clear that ian defers to fiona quite a bit. he listens to her, seeks her out for comfort, respects her word like that of a mother. fiona calls him sweetface, expresses maternal affection with him, and he is receptive of it all in that long-suffering way older teens tend to be with their moms. their relationship is more mother-son than anything else.

but at the same time, he's still marginally aware of her struggles, too, just like lip; the conversation he has with his brother in s3 when fi tries to get guardianship ("she's only twenty-two!") makes it clear that he worries for her, doesn't want her to take on a terrible burden for them. so it's clear that, though he does see fiona in a maternal light, he isn't blind to her reality.

this all changes, however, when ian starts to grow up and want independence and freedom. fiona tries to give him this in s4 when he joins the army, even though it doesn't work out. and in s5, when he is finally forced to confront his own struggles with mental illness and deal with his bipolar disorder, he starts to bond more with monica.

now, this is understandable, seeing as they share the same mood disorder and he feels connected to her through their similar struggles. at first, he actually resents being compared to her ("i'm not fucking monica" s5), but the more they communicate and bond (s7), the more he comes to care for her.

s8 shows ian genuinely mourning his mother (getting sentimental over her meth, getting a tattoo for her), and the other gallaghers don't really understand it, which upsets him; in his mind, that's their mom! why aren't they upset too? i think it's lost on ian that no one else in the family ever had the same connection with monica that he did. she bonded with him; she didn't do the same for the others before her repeated abandonment.

so ian starts to see monica as "mom." where does that leave fiona?

i think this truly marks the final shift of their relationship from parent-child to siblings. especially when looking at s8, where they're fighting over the church. in 'occupy fiona,' ian is furious with her perceived selfishness, and screams at her when she attempts her typical motherly nagging in the form of asking him if he's taking his meds. which, fair; that must be frustrating to hear. but this makes it clear that they're on two separate pages: fiona still sees him as a son. ian sees him as a sister.

but fiona's seeking independence, too. she's seeking an identity that is distinct from her role as caretaker. it isn't just ian growing apart from his sister that's shifted their relationship so dramatically; both characters seek an escape from their family and a life where they can be independent and all grown-up. and in a typical parent-child relationship, only one side of the equation feels those growing pains. in this situation, it's both.

of course, no matter how much they grow apart and hurt each other, they still adore one another. ian's the one fiona goes to for advice about leaving in s9, after all. he's the one who urges her to go and save herself from another lifetime of gallagher chaos. so really, the change in their relationship doesn't destroy their bond; it just alters it a little.

debbie

debbie had, i think, one of the most tumultuous relationships with her sister. as a little girl, she definitely saw fiona as a mother figure, and was very attached to her, almost subconsciously so. the "i wanna stay with fiona" from s1, the way she sought her out for comfort after monica's suicide attempt in s2, the terror she felt at being separated from her after dcfs got involved in s3—it all makes it very clear that little debbie very much saw fiona as her mom.

she still had some understanding of her sister's struggles—"fiona takes care of everyone, but who takes care of fiona?" (s1)—but she was still a little girl and fiona was still her mom.

and then monica came crashing back into their lives. debbie very reluctantly accepted her in, hugging her at sheila's and allowing her to buy her dolls (even though she didn't play with them anymore!) just to humor her mother's attempts to build a relationship. so, as much as debbie unconsciously saw fiona as a mother figure, she still always had this craving for monica—her real mom.

it makes me think of debbie's assertion to sheila in s1 that if monica ever came back and apologized, she'd "forgive her in a heartbeat. because she's [debbie's] mom." she was still a little girl hanging onto the dream that her mom will come home and love her and take care of her. and she barely realized that she'd found someone else to fill in the gap monica left behind, but it's just not the same. she still wants her real mom.

season 4 marks the shift of debbie's character from seeing fiona as a mom to seeing her as a sister��or, at least, wanting to see her as a sister. like ian, she was desperate for independence. she was being peer pressured by girls at school, she was interested in boys, she didn't want to be seen or treated like a baby anymore. she was fed up with fiona still treating her like she's her daughter because she's not. she doesn't want to be.

and anyway, fiona was busy with her new job at the cup company and her new boyfriend mike. she wasn't around all the time anymore. sheila'd been babysitting more and more. debbie was the one taking liam to and from head start. she felt abandoned, alone, with fiona not around as much as before.

she sought comfort in sammi. she found purpose in her friends, in boys. it's a very knee-jerk teenage-girl reaction: to find connection in others when you're mad at your mom. but for debbie, she wasn't just shifting away from fiona as a daughter growing distant from her mom, she was shifting away from the idea of fiona as her mom in the first place.

and then, of course, franny happened and drove a terrible wedge between them both. debbie grappled with her identity as a mother. she rejected fiona's help and advice in favor of her quest for independence. monica returned, made her feel like debbie's a good mom. frank supported her. and debbie was in a position where she had both her parents on her side—her real parents—while fiona opposed her. this, i think, solidified fiona in her mind as her sister. not her mother figure anymore.

don't get me wrong; fiona was in the right opposing her at this time. debbie's pregnancy was a stupid idea. it really did ruin her life and her character overall, and it was unfair of debbie to expect fiona's support in that situation. fiona was being a good mother by telling her she was making a mistake. she still saw debbie as her little girl. debbie's the one who didn't accept that anymore.

after debbie and fiona made up later in the show, they settled into a true sister-sister relationship. debbie came to see fiona at her worst ("she broke her wrist, she's nonstop ugly crying" s9) and tried to take care of her, while fiona still tried to resist the flipping of their roles ("i'm fine. i'm fine." s9). debbie fucked up ford for her that season. got angry and protective on her behalf.

and when fiona left at the end of the season, she left as debbie's sister. no longer her mom. at least, not from debbie's perspective anymore.

carl

carl's relationship with fiona, i believe, was one of the least complicated and most wholesome ones on the show. carl absolutely saw fiona as a mom in the early seasons, without a doubt. he listened to her even when he didn't want to, like a little boy to his mother ("did you brush your teeth? carl?" "yes, ugh!!!!" s1), reluctantly learned lessons from her ("privacy's important" s2), looked to her for permission for things (glancing at her when monica asked him to pass the salad in s1 and only doing it when fiona nodded yes), and sought her out for comfort after monica's suicide attempt (s3).

carl's the only one i can vividly remember saying he loves his sister ("'night, fiona, love you" s1) or thanking her for what she's done for them all ("thanks for being a great sister" s3). at least when he was little, fiona was without a doubt his mom.

it certainly helps that he never really bonded with monica. she left when he was too little to start seeing her as a mom, and every time she returned, she never really took the time to get to know him or connect with him. but carl did briefly bond with frank (the fake cancer arc in s3, "i'm shaving your head to let the sun rays in"), and was the only one who cared about him potentially dying in season four, tending to him in the hospital when no one else did.

season four is when he, like debbie, starts to rebel against fiona's parenting. he's angry and sad and mean and it all comes out in the form of sharp words and beating up kids at school and getting into all kinds of trouble. he's mad at fiona for not caring about frank, but he's also just mad at the world—understandly so. he's fourteen.

the trouble continues well into season 6. carl gets mixed up with g-doggg, starts selling drugs. frank helps him get into the drug world, but he gets caught. he goes to juvie, comes back a little harder, a little meaner. sells harder stuff, sells guns. the whole time, he's established a sort of distance from fiona, because he's too cool for deep, vulnerable relationships, or so he thinks. and the whole time, fiona continues to love him, tries to connect with him, attempts to open his eyes and make him realize how dangerous what he's doing is, but he's determined to be his own man, to earn the respect of his buddies. he feels like frank's the only one who understands.

but then he gets hurt and scared. he sees someone die. he wants out. and frank—who he hasn't like, loved, per-say, but has at least trusted and established some sort of camaraderie with through their shared misdeeds—betrays him, scares the shit out of him with his anger and disappointment. and who does carl have to fall back on but fiona?

fiona tells him she's proud of him. she and sean help him get out of the drug world. their relationship is finally rekindled. and it's around his time when carl overhears fiona cry to sean about being exhausted and scared about losing the house (s6). and it terrifies him, because here's his strong big sister, the woman who raised him, young and vulnerable and afraid. and he steps up and gives her the money to buy back the house. he's there for her. he's being a good man.

from then on, carl shapes up and his character is on track to make something better of himself. he takes on some form of responsibility, denounces his father, and goes to military school. and fiona's so fucking proud of her boy. because he is her boy—always will be, no matter how much he tries to be a strong, independent, grown-up.

when he comes home in s7, he's grown to be a kind, goodhearted, respectful young man. he doesn't refuse her hugs and kisses. he admits—though with some hesitation—that "you were right, fiona! and we were so fucking wrong!" in s8. and when monica dies, he's... conflicted. but he's okay. because fiona was always his mom, anyway. and that never changed.

liam

liam has never known any parent other than fiona.

sure, lip helped a great deal with taking care of him and raising him, and, much later, he bonded quite a bit with frank. and his relationship with most of his siblings is very parental at its core—he’s the baby, after all, and all of his siblings had a hand in raising him.

but fiona was the one who fed and changed and cared for him his whole life. took him to work with her as a baby (s1). dealt with his hair when he had lice (s6). stood up for him against anyone who dared to hurt him (s9). it was always her, really, in the end. it was only her.

liam was just a baby when monica left. and he was—what, 6?—when she died. there are a few times when she randomly returns when they spent time together, but he doesn’t even really remember her because he was too little. he’s never known a mother other than fi. she’s the only one that matters, really.

i’m still upset that she didn’t take liam with her when she left in s9, and that we didn’t see them stay in contact throughout the remainder of the show. obviously, this was just because emmy rossum left, so it’s just a reflection of the writers working around their situations, but it just felt heartbreakingly unrealistic to me.

they loved each other so much. that was her son, her little boy, her baby bear. she was his mom. no two ways about it.

it wasn't until after fiona distanced herself from the family and then left that liam and frank grew close. frank got him into private school (s8), recruited liam to steal from his rich friends (s8/9), and liam, in turn, made it his mission to take care of frank when his health started declining and his mind started deteriorating to his alcholic dementia (s10/11). part of that connection was absolutely due to liam's bigheartedness; he's such a good, loving kid, with so much forgiveness and love to give to people.

i also wonder if a part of that connection resulted from the desire for parental love and affection. liam's smart enough to know that frank will never care for him the way fiona did, but he seems at peace with his father's shortcomings. he wants a relationship with him anyway.

regardless of the reasoning, liam was so loved by his family and his parental figures—both fiona and frank.

in conclusion

i think, from fiona's perspective, she was always the kids' mom ("my siblings are my kids" s9), even though at times her relationship with them blurred the lines between maternal and sisterly. but from the kids' points of view, she was always a very complicated figure in their lives.

the gallagher siblings' complex relationships with their sister are really at the heart of the show; she is the matriarch, the thing holding everyone together, after all. not all the kids had easy connections to her. many of them grappled with their vision of her as a mother vs. a sister. but that doesn't erase what she did for them.

she still raised them. she still cared for them, mothered them. as messy as their relationships were a great deal of the time, she was the best parent those kids ever fucking had. she was their mother through and through, and that is what made shameless truly, unabashedly, shameless.

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hadakzu · 4 months

Text

Hawks x reader comfort (for parentification)

I don't know how to summarize this, I'm just exposing myself here lmaooo.

Giving a big warm hug to anyone who has had to deal with anything like this!❤️🫂❤️🫂 You're amazing and I hope you're doing okay!💖💕

Otherwise gn, but the reader is called a mom/ second mother of the family.

Content warnings:

parentification, looking after younger siblings, neglect and emotional abuse, mention of being beaten (keigos past), bit of suicidal talk, fighting between parents (mostly just verbal, but ig could be read as more), mommy daddy issues, slightly hinting of substance use (but it's not focused on), small talk of moving a lot, fear of others safety (?), feeling of being alone, Keigo's parents saying he'd better off.

(Please let me know if I missed anything, I try to add if I notice more)

"It's just... not fair. I was a child too.. so why did it feel like I was the only reasonable adult in there.."

You had your arms wrapped to his sides, using his chest as a pillow as you vented about your day. Having your mother visit brought back various of emotions and thoughts. Still feeling fresh like a unhealed cut. Trying to heal from it was still hard. Accepting the truth making you just feel like an ungrateful brat, because it wasn't really that bad, even though it definitely felt like it.. What right did you have to feel this hurt? It could've been far worse..

Thank god you had Hawks here by your side. His hand on the back of your head, feeling your hair, softly playing with it as he listened to your chain of thoughts. Letting you talk, while reassuring you weren't being unreasonable to feel like this at all. Listening you speak and explain it all, made him also feel upset and sad for you and your younger self past. Absent with the carefree joy you should have had. He could relate to that feeling, even if he couldn't totally understand your path. Growing up too fast was something he could totally understand, it wasn't easy or fun. It quite honestly sucked.

"It's like they act like It's normal, to have been called a mom by my younger sibling.. Like it's fun or normal how they joke about it so lightly, saying I have always just been the more responsible and caring one... the second mother of the family... Saying it came naturally, when really I had no choice but to become like one. Everytime I visit or see them, there's not a single time she wouldn't call me that, like it's supposed to be a compliment. When really it just reminds me of the pain.. reminding I'm supposed to hide myself and be more independent "

He could hear the underlying anger in your voice, even though you talked about it remotely calm, it was clear you felt hurt by it all. Feeling like you had been left to carry all the burden of your family, trying to keep it together so it wouldn't fall. Afraid of what would happen if you weren't strong enough. Fighting alone for so long, while trying to ensure your siblings would feel more loved, to make sure they had someone with free of judge. Experience unconditional love from your part.

Hawks didn't have any siblings of his own, it had always been just him alone, so it felt a bit foreign for him, hearing about a family as large as yours. It was new, house full of kids in many ages. But he was curious of what it was like, trying to imagine how it would feel to have a younger sibling.. or an older one too. Trying to understand how different life would look like from your point of view. Hearing you describe growing up with younger siblings in dysfunctional family, how it had been both a curse and a blessing at the same time, the coin always has two sides afterall.

At least you didn't have to deal with the bullshit completely alone, even though it had been mostly you caring for them all. Surrounded by many, it was chaos as it own, not to mention everything else that came along..

Remembering the time before it all started, or before you had understood something was wrong.. When you were somewhat free of that load.. But had life really been easier before stepping into that boat? Trying to keep it afloat while surrounded by waves of a storm.

Not being taken seriously when you had felt hurt, having someone laugh while tears fell down your shirt, people getting angry when you were trying your best. Crying under the covers, hiding from the world, wishing you had never ever been, you weren't meant to live in here. Praying for god, could you to be taken away from this place. Not because it'd be easier for you, but because you didn't want to be a burden, a disappointment.. Feeling as they would have been better off, if you weren't there to just make mistakes a lot... You were just a kid, how could you have known any better, if they never taught you how? Just expected to figure it out in your own little head, struggling with the quilt of even being here.

Seeing your younger siblings grow up, you didn't want them to go down the same path, they deserved more than that. So you stepped up, not trusting your parents wouldn't also mess them up.

Who would have thought being useful for your parents, especially to your mother, would make it easier to deal with that quilt. Suddenly being praised for being so mature of your age, always helping around, it felt good to be needed, to be noticed, praised. Maybe you had finally earned their love, being seen as human with a voice and real thoughts, one of the wise ones. You weren't being a trouble anymore, hiding your struggles, hiding your pain. You just wished you wouldn't feel anymore hurt by pushing those away. You were now the therapist, the peacemaker of the family. It couldn't be the other way around, surely helping them out was your job.

He rubbed your back, thinking how much burden you must have had, how hard it must have felt. How hurt you must have been, so that pushing your needs away felt easier than bringing them to the surface for someone else to see, for someone to hear. Unable to deal with the feeling of not being taken seriously.

He too, had learned to mirror his value on what he could offer for others. Being called names, the words of being better off not only in his head, when he was being just a kid, born in a family not understanding or capable of meeting his needs. It had been tough, carefully tip toying around avoiding for getting beaten up, by the man supposed to be his dad.. Trying to see life beyond those doors, Keigo could barely play around. Having to sit quietly, lucky if he got to watch the heroes on the screen.

After he and his mother ended up on the streets, his wings were only thing noticed about him. What he could do, what they could be used. Kid trying to take care for them both, trying to stay strong. Do the best he could from what he knew, having to put on these adult shoes.

Being taken in by the commision, it was all about creating Hawks, forgetting Keigo to be completely gone. It was always all about saving others, the burden of being good enough for others, being worthy of living this life, doing it for someone else, proving his worth for himself.

He could understand his own way, also being parentified kid himself. Not neccesarily your exact experience itself, your pasts were very different in many ways, but the feelings from it were close ones, something he had felt. Even if you two had come to feel it from different ends. Both of you had had to figure out lot of things by yourselves, do things not appropriate for your age. Trying to learn how to take time for your own mental health, to not break down under all the stress.

It was hard, to be constantly on the run, always aware of things, ready to instantly swoop in. It was exhausting, losing yourself for others, being the one keeping them on the surface. While your own boat was slowly sinking down. Feeling the tension in your chest tightening from all the pressure of being under the cold sea. Trying to catch a breathe, while being pushed further down by the waves merciless.

Do this, do that, help with this and that.

"You are right, it's not fair. No kid should have to go through that, to feel that kind of burden in their back. You deserved to be a child too."

His voice sounded sad, thinking of younger you.. and thinking bit of Keigo too. He hadn't had the chance to fully take a seat and process what a roller coaster of a life he had had. He knew it wasn't exactly right what he had had to go through, but always tried to focus on the good. Although guilt was something that was whispering in the back of his head... Leaving his mother.. feeling he failed.. Even when he had been young, even when he really didn't have a choice. He still felt like he failed to save her, leaving only family he had left.. He wished he could have done more, part of him missed her, yearning to know her.

He was the son, but he still felt somewhat quilty for the kind of life she had had, thinking if he could have done more than that.

His mind wandering little to his childhood as you told your story, you made him think a lot more of his own origin... or more like he started to feel more for his younger self too. He had thought about it a lot, but he felt somehow distant from his own past.. from that small Keigo he had once been.

Listening your story, thinking how fucked up it was for a child to deal with these things. It finally clicking in his head how bad it had actually been, how badly it could affect persons mental health. How it still affected him.

He saw your past still haunting your mind too.

"I- I just feel bad... for feeling this hurt knowing it wasn't easy for her either.. She needed someone to help around, she couldn't have done it alone.. it shouldn't be her that I'm even mad at. ..even if she wasn't always the best either.."

He kissed the top of your head, caressing your back while listening your words. Taking in what you needed to say, letting out the frustration you had felt. Noticing from your words, how you were carrying somewhat similar quilt for himself, about something out of your control, something that wasn't your fault. Feeling defensive for her behalf, even at times you shouldn't have had. He had to say something about that, making sure you wouldn't blame it all on yourself, validating your feelings of being hurt.

"You have every right to feel this hurt, don't blame it on yourself. Her actions are her own responsibility, not yours. No matter how hard it is, parents shouldn't neglect their childs emotional needs. It's not the child's job to be the one relied on either, it should always be the parents job. ..and even if you can understand why it happened.. it doesn't make it any more right."

You knew he was right, you really did, but it still felt like you were betraying her by admitting to something like that... sure you had known how your younger siblings had been neglected in ways, not been understood and blamed for being just kids.. Growing up in unstable home, of course they would act out. But to say that about yourself.. made you just feel uncomfortable, thinking you got the easy part in all that, still feeling little defensive for her behalf.

"..yeah, I know.."

You agreed for sure, but still sounding little hesitant of your words. You couldn't shake the feeling of sympahty for her, she wasn't perfect, neither were you.. you could have also done more.. Even though you felt angry for her about many things too, it wasn't as simple.

"It's not her that I'm really even that mad at though... o-or well about some things yes... but it wouldn't have been that bad if he would have taken some of that load of her back..! You know... do the things parent is supposed to do. It should be obvious, not something a child should have to point out... "

He could hear the frustration in your voice grow, this was clearly something you felt resentment about. One of the few topics that actually got you heated up, even to the point of feeling actual anger, and he understood completely. You had told him bits about it here and there, like when you had felt frustrated to visit your family again, only to have your father to ditch you his chores like you usual. How almost your whole childhood you had had to fill in his role, having a father not participating much, avoiding his tasks as a dad, leaving it to you and your mother to handle.

Why should have he had to worry about a thing? You were better at watching after them anyways, he was already tired enough, having fun out there. What a burden to have to sleep after that all day. It just wasn't fair.

"I was nine, when I started to look after my little brother... Trying to sooth him down when he cried.. Sometimes waking up at nights for that, wanting my mom to sleep more for a change too. I was the one mostly taking care of him when my mother wasn't around.. I don't understand how he could just ignore a baby's crying? Too 'busy' of doing something else, never actually helping out, but still having time to complain about insignificant things, being a petty child himself."

You could remember the countless days arguing with your father about basic things, laughing out of frustration with how absurd it had felt. Having to parent a grown ass man, defending your mother with the last of energy you had.

Trying to bring some kind of sense into this chaos, not letting the bullshit of your parents just slip out. Why should a kid have to understand how to behave, if the adults in this house never learned to do it either? Why should the kids be held more accountable about small things, if the parents couldn't admit their mistakes or apologizes themselves either.

Watching your siblings grow while new ones were born. Feeling the anxiety in your chest grow, you loved your siblings a lot, but sometimes it felt more of a burden than not.

"It... hurt. Watching it just get worse over the years, protecting them from all the mean words.. Having to lecture my own parents how to behave, how to care, what not to say to a little kid. The amount of times I would have to step up, be the more grown up.."

You sounded somewhat hesitant to talk about it, realizing just how absurd it sounded when saying it out loud. You were so used to it being the norm, forgetting just how messed up it had been at times.

"I knew it wasn't right.. I mean the way they raised us most of the time.. I read many articles of it to make sure I wasn't just imagining it myself, being overly dramatic like they had said. Trying to learn how to parent my siblings myself instead.. While trying to teach my parents to be more consider of their emotional state."

He felt sad for you and your younger siblings too, hearing you tell stories of moments where you guys weren't treated right.

Having been child who had had to listen all sorts of things coming from his parents mouth, it hurt to imagine others having to experience something similar in that regard. Knowing words would be something that would last, but glad at least someone had their back. Even though it was unfair, you shouldn't have had to be the first one they would turn. Still he couldn't help but admire your strenght, how you would go beyond your way to ensure your siblings felt more cared and safe. Go between fights, listen to their thoughts, taking into consiridation that they were still young and small. Knowing they couldn't understand everything, but explaining them about things more calm. Not yelling at them if they didn't know any better, but definitely having a long talk with the one that did.

Even though he admired that about you a lot, it still pained him to know you even had to think or worry about things like that. You shouldn't have had to carry that heavy of a bag with you, it was never meant for you, yet it was forced on you. He made a mental note to you make sure you wouldn't have to go through something like that again, to hold your struggles inside, to carry the world on your back. alone. When he and his wings were right here, ready to lift some of that heaviness off your chest.

"There um.. was time my parents were fighting a lot.. there uh- was lot going on in general.. My dad did some questionable things.. I knew way too many things about their relationship, involved in stuff I shouldn't have had... Back then I also often had to watch after my siblings whole days and sometimes even at nights.. making sure they ate, trying to comfort them when they were feeling unsure and scared.. They were such a anxious kids, like we all were living in unstable home like that. Having to move around a lot, never knowing when another big fight would unfold.. I always read them a good night stories when I could, trying to make the time between just as kids more fun. Hugging them at night when being asked when would they be back... Not knowing the answer for that, while wondering the same in my head. Reassuring them it would be okay, patiently singing to them until they would fall asleep.. Then later crying myself too.. They just deserved so much more, I wish I could have given more.."

That sounded exhausting and sad, having to take care of them that long while having no idea when your parents would be back. Having to be the rock they could lean on, trying to be stable for them when your parents couldn't. What also spoke volume of your parents effect on you guys, was when you told him despite it being hard, it was much more peacfull when they weren't around. Seeing how your siblings were also smiling more, not having to be yelled at crying too long. It just broke your heart, thinking why it couldn't be like that even when they were there too. How hard could it be to be a decent for your own young kids.

Your heart wasn't only one to break, when he heard you speak how hard it had been for them, but never totally focusing on how you had felt. Like it was automatic reaction you did, to shift the spotline of your pain on someone who had gone through 'worse.'

It didn't go unnoticed by him.

You also told him how you checked up on your mom, feeling uneasy of not knowing what was happening between them. You were too used to being on top of everything, listening to every word, trying to create clear picture of things. You know.. just in case it started to sound like you should have to hop in between, often hoping he would honestly just leave.. Feeling he brought more hurt than good, seeing his face and just wanting to scream at it loud.

Hawks knew how tiring it could be, to try to analyze every little thing, to make sure you didn't miss anything. To be hyper aware of everything, because well.. it was his job sure, but also something he had learned from a very young, living in a shithole of a home.

Thinking himself how you being responsible of so many, must have felt the world would be ending if you couldn't keep doing what was expected of you. Being under pressure at all times, having your mind run miles. How old had you been again..? Nine when the parentification had slowly started... not that it had been too great before that either, and going on pretty much until you had eventually had to move out?

Who had been taking care of you?

Ask you, how you were too?

On top of that you had to also deal with school, trying live life outside home too. It was hard, worried you'd be needed when you werent around.. Anxiety of being unaware, hoping your siblings knew they were still cared. Actually having to skip school over that fear too, fearing of leaving them there alone. Also staying home when offering to help your parents with something that again, shouldn't have been your job.. but why would they refuse, you were being helpful.

Still often feeling like you should have done more, done better job at protecting them from all the internal war. Was there something you had missed..? Thinking if you could have done something more early on... what if this was somehow your fault..?

"..did you, have anyone to look after you? To.. check up on how you were feeling.. how you were holding up in the middle of all that? Supporting you through the storms too?"

He was quite sure he already knew the answer for that, the way he had seen you act, he wished it didn't have to be like that. Having this idea in your head, that you were supposed to handle it all by yourself, having had hard time to lean on him first too, open up when you had felt doomed. From the sounds of your words and knowing more of your past, it sounded like you had been alone carrying everyone else, while suffering in silence all by yourself. It pained him to hear, but your silence to his question only confirmed it. You didn't want to say it out loud. Admit of feeling so alone and lost, having to navigate through everything without help. While still trying to comfort and convince yourself with the thought, that it wasn't really that bad, that it could have been far worse.

"Well I'm here now. I'm sorry you had to go through all that, it never should have been your responsibility to take care of them.. You were just kid trying to survive and keep peace in the house, that takes a lot.. It's a lot for anyone but especially a child. You did incredible considering what tools you got. It wasn't your fault or up to you to fix that, but I know for sure your siblings are grateful for you just having been there, you're so sweet and thoughtful. I see the love and care whenever you talk about them, and I know they can feel it as well. I kinda wish I had someone like you when I grew up, just having someone to lean on can do a lot."

His words and sweet gestures honestly meant a lot, the words about your siblings hitting pretty hard, assuring you that you had done more than enough. That all your work wasn't unseen, it had made bigger impact that you'd let yourself believe.

He held you in his arms, covering your form under his soft feathers, feeling more protective of you after all he had heard, keeping you safe in his embrace. Knowing this wasn't even half of the story, just a scratch on the surface you had shown. Trusting him enough to share part of your path, wanting him to see all your different sides, even if it was uncomfortable at first.

"I hope now I can be someone you can lean on too, you shouldn't have to go through everything alone.. You deserve to be taken care of too, you don't have to suffer alone anymore. It's okay to admit being hurt. You don't always have to act strong, even though I know you're are, but you don't have to be that all of the time. I'm here now. I got your back like I know you got mine, no more of that one sided caring, alright? It should always go both ways with the people you're close. I want to be someone close to you, and with your thoughts and feelings too. Those deserve to be heard also."

Moment of silence as you let those words sink in, his embrace tightening to feel you more close, to emphasize his words. Letting you know it was okay to express your feelings too, he would never just dismiss them like some others had. Showing you, you weren't left alone. Not when he was around.

"And he, honestly sounds like an ass.. he should have done more than that, he was a parent too, an adult. I don't know everything he has done, but I can still say it was unfair and unjustified the things he did and the things he didn't do. I'm sorry he put you through that. You deserved better than that."

When he called him an ass, it was so sudden you couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. It came out of nowhere, but it honestly felt good to have someone say that too, oddly satisfying of seeing someone call him out on his crap too, not just brushing it off. Showing how he was pissed off for your behalf, maybe it was okay for you to feel like that as well.. To still be angry for things, that before this, had gone unheard for years.

Caressing your face as he looked at you fondly, with mix of sadness and admiration in his eyes. He felt honored to feel this close to you, to be let on something this huge. Thats how it definetely felt at least, and you were tired of pretending like it didn't. It had been hard and it still hurt a lot.

You got the feeling he understood some aspects of it himself, knowing how you felt. Propably being parentified kid himself.. thats how you felt at least, you could sense it in him, like you were wearing his sensitive wings instead.

You were right of course, keeping you close while thinking your past. Maybe someday he would open about his too, knowing you would care and not judge him, hoping you had some of that unconditional love left for him too.. for Keigo. He sure as hell had that for you, it only growing every day spend with you.

He would be here for you.

"Thank you Hawks. That honestly means a lot.. I'm.. glad you are here."

A smile appeared on his face. Gently bringing a finger under your chin, slowly raising your head so your eyes met his, cherising your beautifull face. Making sure you felt seen. He could still sense the lingering uncertainity on your face, after bringing all this to the surface, from the cold sea.

He leaned in to a soft kiss, making sure you felt nothing but warm and cared. Simmering down those huge waves, feeling more calm and safe. You didn't have to sail through the storms alone, now he would help you navigate through them with you, like the boat was his own.

Afterall you two were sailing in it together from now on.

"I'm glad I'm here too"

(I don't know if this turned out exactly the way I wanted but it's okayy🙏 I'll probably write another one with this topic but bit differently at some point)

#hawks x reader #I don't know what this is but if someone asks this is not me~#hawks x reader comfort #keigo takami x reader #keigo x reader #parentification #parentified child #keigo takami x reader comfort #hawks #keigo tamaki #mha hawks comfort #parentified #aaaaa this is just me processing stuff but I'm okay and this is just some worst stuff added together it's much better now lmao

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