i finished the 2.2 update in one sitting and it was so much longer than i was expecting it to be and i had to go to bed to properly absorb the insanity of it all and here is a concrete summary of my thoughts:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! AAA AAA A A A A A A A A A A A AA AAAA A AA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A AA AA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !A AA

A

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

aaaaAaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!£

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Boundless

Series: Boundless

Pairing: Hyunjin x Female Reader Part: 4

Genre/General Warnings: Fantasy AU || Non Idol Au || Kumiho Hyunjin || harsh words (swearing) || Dom!Hyunjin || degradation || mentions of anxiety || mentions of sex as a dare || self esteem issues || mentions names of other idols || SLOW burn || Mentions of death <none of the mains> || (Anything else I have missed just let me know and will be added in, more warnings will be added with each chapter update)

I really hope Y'all are liking this, it's a bit of an experiment piece while I write my other fic, and I know it's a whole lotta slow story line for now but I PROOOOMISE it's about to pick up in the next chapter &lt;;3

PREVIOUS MASTER LIST NEXT

After you have calmed down from the sudden yet hot interaction with Hyunjin your brain finally starts to clear the fog that had clouded your judgment. Did I really just… “Fuck,” you mutter, as you stand alone in the hallway of the cottage. Your body temperature begins to lower back to its normal, but your mind continues racing about how it felt to be hoisted up against the wall, legs wrapped around his slender hips, how his lips felt against yours his tongue playing softly with yours and how the pleasurable pain felt on your neck as he bit you lightly, how the warmth of his body radiated and only rose in temperature as he himself became hungrier for your touch. You vigorously shake your head, in attempts to rid your mind of the thoughts plaguing it. It had been a while since someone had taken charge like that, and your mind only wished to replay it in your head over and over and over again, until it paused remembering not only Felix’s words of warning but Hyunjins as well ‘You don’t want me, that’s just the effects.’  “I need to get out of here,” you whisper to yourself. 

“She survived out here, shouldn’t that mean anything?” Felix’s voice booms, he stands there face to face with a guilty looking Hyunjin. Hyunjin’s eyes are glazed over as if he truly feared how his friend was speaking to him, “Hyune,” Felix says, his voice now softer, “we can’t just leave her to fend for herself, we should figure out where she came from and get her home where she belongs.'' His mind is racing, truthfully Felix could leave you to wander on your own, because he was raised with the mindset of the forest. But he saw this as an opportunity to keep Hyunjin around, to not lose him once more, to no longer be alone. 

“We?” Hyunjin starts, his head lowering to face the ground beneath him, Felix knew Hyunjin’s plan on leaving, but he couldn’t let it happen. Not again. 

“You’re not just going to leave me with her are you?” Felix is unsure as to how else to get his friend, his brother. To stay with him. It had been months since he had last seen him, and he refused to go any longer without his one sense of home. 

“You know I can’t stay Lix,” 

“You’re safer here.” 

“I can’t Lixie,” Hyunjins voice cracks, as tears begin to well up in his eyes, “I can’t stay with you, and I can’t stay near her, I-” he sighs deeply, “I almost- I could have-” Hyunjins thoughts raced, as he recalls almost devouring you whole, how the effects of the foxes charm had taken over you, and how if he had not stopped holding you he’d have most likely killed you.

“If I’m imposing. I can just go. I'll figure out how to get home on my own.” you say as you march up to the two boys, Hyunjins eyes never meet yours, but Felix’s stare burns through you, you begin to walk off heading directly into the forest. The images of the night before are replaced once again by the thriving green vegetation, soft moss under your feet and the creek nearby runs softly. Felix runs towards you grabbing at your wrist pulling you back to face him, 

“You’re not imposing.” he whispers, Hyunjin now staring back at the two of you, “and you,” he turns to face the all of a sudden shy boy behind him, “You aren’t going anywhere either. You can leave once we get her home.” Hyunjin nods lightly, but within the poor boy's head were only worries for Felix and your safety. Felix drags the two of you back into the cottage, still holding you by the wrist and taking Hyunjin by the neck pushing him forward. Once inside he sits you down and asks you to explain everything. 

“Well I was in my dorm,” the two look visibly confused, “And the book someone gave me lit up, and all of a sudden I woke up in the forest.” there was nothing else to explain, that was exactly what had happened. 

“A book? Lit up?” Felix mumbles, 

“Told you she’s not from anywhere.” 

“But that's just not possible.” he contemplates any other possible reasoning, “Are you sure you didn’t just wander in from the town?” 

“Look at her Lixie, does she look like shes from the town?” Hyunjin scoffs, “There's only one person who’d know where she came from and thats-”

“Do you know how long it would take to find him?” Felix groans, internally though he’s happy to know he’d be able to have his brother around for longer, “Fine.” Felix stands and walks towards his room, “We’ll go tomorrow,” he throws on a wool sweater and heads for the door once more, “I’ll go find Jeongin, he knows those parts of the forest better than anyone,” he says before heading out and disappearing into the forest. 

“Sorry about everything you heard.” Hyunjin mutters, still a look of guilt is written across his face, 

“It seems that my being here is an issue.” you say, 

“It’s not that.” Hyunjin looks up at you finally meeting your eyes, there's a hint of pain hiding behind them as he opens his mouth to speak, “Felix just isn’t used to other humans being here. Or anyone for that matter.” he looks towards the room you had been using the night before, standing up and heading towards it. Instinctively you follow, as he slowly roams the room reminiscing of past memories he’d thought he had long forgotten. “This used to be my room.” he smiles, “I was just a kid, when he found his way here.” you look around, carefully studying each corner of the room, scratch marks lined the lower half of the walls, and light indents marked heights across the door frame. Other than that, with the exception of a bed and dresser the room was empty. 

“He told me he wandered into the forest as a kid. No one searched for him,” 

“They thought he was dead.” 

“He also told me about that, that humans aren't meant to be within the forest.” 

“It wasn’t always like that,” Hyunjin sits on the bed, looking at it fondly, “years ago, anyone could come and go from the forest. Magic and non magical weren’t at war. It wasn’t until the queen went missing, and the hunting began.” 

“Hunting?” you ask, now creeping your way towards him, 

“Here's the thing, the queen was young. Impressionable. They say the king never laid with her, but one day she had turned out to be pregnant. And then she just vanished.” he sighs, “The king blames us.” he looks around the room once more, “And began hunting us.  With that the guardian sealed off the forest, deeming the hunting of forest life, a declaration of war.” Just like that a hatred was born? “By the time I was born, the forest had already been sealed off to the humans.” 

“How did you come across Felix?” you wonder, 

“My mother told us, when we were about ten,” he stands heading to the door and lightly running his fingers over the indentations carved within it, “She had come outside, and found a child happily snuggling up to a young pup, at first she was taken back by him, and then realized quickly after observing our interaction that she had nothing to worry about, according to her it was a once in a lifetime event, as if we had found something within each other.” he smiles lightly, “A bond like no other,” he mimics the words of his mother, he walks back to his spot on the bed lightly sitting on it as he spoke “She took him in and raised us as brothers. She raised him like another one of her pups. Taught him to live carefully, and soon enough the forest accepted him as one of her children, the guardian even-” 

“The guardian even granted me a gift.” Felix sighs from behind him, “But it was mom who suffered over it in the end.” you look towards the teary eyed Felix, who crouched down patting a whimpering fox at his side. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” 

“It was.” the young fox’s ears dropped as it cuddled against Felix, nudging him with his head. “They took her because of me.” 

“You were young,” Hyunjin sighs, “And I was there too.” you look between the two boys and the small fox, 

“If it wasn’t for me Jeongin…” 

“Jeongin is fine.” Hyunjin smiles, “Look at him, he grew up just fine.” the small fox wags its tail before coming in to its human form, the pink haired boy sat silently beside Felix holding him softly, 

“You can’t keep carrying that weight on your own,” he says, “Hyunjin, you, me. We have each other and that's what matters right?” The heartfelt comment sends a pain to your chest, as you watch the three hold each other for a moment. Jeongin stands and brushes himself off before making his way to you and greeting you formally, “Hello Y/N, pleasure to meet you.” he extends a hand but your hesitant to take it, “Don’t worry,” he smiles, “The effects of contact won't be a problem,” you look to Felix who nods approvingly, and take Jongin's hands. He freezes for a moment as he stares deeply into your eyes, “A piece of you is-” Hyunjins head lowers as Jeongin speaks, “Jinnie..” he whispers quickly looking back at him, 

“It was an accident,” Hyunjin speaks low, in almost a whisper, if he had been in his fox form, his tail would be between his legs and ears lowered. 

“What?” Felix asks, clearly just as confused as you are, 

“You could have killed her, Jinnie. She’s not from here, it's not like you’re just having a snack! Her life, her soul Jinnie, it’s much more delicate, you need to be more careful!” Jeongin shouts, sighing as he looks towards Hyunjin, 

“What did you do…” Felix says turning to Hyunjin, 

“I stopped it the second I realized I got too close,” Hyunjin says, “This is why I should go. You and Jeongin can take it from here yeah?” 

“And how will you ever learn Jinnie? How will you control yourself without ever making contact?” 

“I have made contact!” Hyunjin tries to defend himself, 

“You should have had a handle on this when you turned sixteen Jinnie,” Jeongin sighs, “It’s not on you,” he sighs once more before running his hand through his hair, “This would make good practice for you anyways.” 

“Practice?” you ask, still unsure of the conversation being had in front of you, the overwhelming amount of information being thrown around is going in one ear and out the other, you could barely retain any of it. “Yes,” Jeongin smiles, “He can practice controlling his urges when something delicious, and sweet is inviting him to bite into it.” you look between the three boys standing there, what the fuck is that supposed to mean.

3/7/2023 progress update

because I haven’t done one in a while, and because I like to compare with older progress logs ToT. Also because I’ve been doing a mix of random things lol.

Japanese:

Not much to say. I would still desperately like it to improve more, but I’m not putting in enough study time and i know that lol. I got through about 40+ Glossika Japanese audios, but there’s like 300 so why am I going so slow ;-; rip. I did pick up a second hand novel about a cat this past weekend in japanese (it seemed written for middle school to high schoolers in terms of text difficulty) and i could read some pieces of it! which i know is not a big accomplishment, but to read ANYTHING in japanese from a novel brand new that I have no prior context for is a pretty large achievement for me. I can read a bit of japanese Guardian translation, but I know the Guardian novel so well I can rely a lot on prior context to ‘guess’ my way though wtf is going on. 

Japanese video games - I took a break. In the long run though my break reminds me why I love these games though, so it’ll surely get me to study more down the road. I’m playing Kingdom Hearts in english again, and Like a Dragon Ishin with eng subs (and Soseki IS A CAMEO SIDE STORY IN THE GAME which absolutely thrills me because his novels and murakami’s are pretty much the Only Japanese novels I’ve read much of, i studied from Soseki’s stories a few months ago! ToT so to play around and get to ‘help him name the stories’ is just so fun and cute). I’m not picking up much japanese, obviously, from playing with english subs. But I imagine as in the past, it’s helping prevent loss of what I’ve learned. Before the break, I played about 30 hours of Final Fantasy X in japanese and 6 hours of Persona 3. Both experiences went quite well, next time I get back into playing games in japanese I think I’m going to replay Nier Automata. 

(If you are also a learner: I think personally Nier Automata is going to be easier to play than Nier Replicant in japanese. I considered both but Nier Replicant requires all weapons acquired which requires a Specific level of japanese skill to understand enough of the quest dialogues to get all weapons. Whereas Nier Automata you can fuck around and as long as you beat each ending you can continue through the game to the end - so I can read the side quest dialogues if I want and do them, but I won’t have to stop the game or look up a FAQ if I don’t understand something. Instead I can just skip it. And Nier Automata’s main story is fairly easy to follow, from memory and with the map markers, its fairly easy to move forward in the plot without getting lost. Also I have some of the Nier Automata novellas in japanese on kindle, so playing them in japanese will probably help make those reading materials easier). 

I think I should at some point be pushing myself harder with japanese - like jdramas with only japanese subs, or anime with japanese audio and no subs, or reading manga/novels more. Video Games are officially my comfort zone. Both because they’ve been a long term goal (so I’m satisfied to not improve past what they require of me), but also because comprehension of them is now good enough I can just play them and relax and not put in the effort to look stuff up or fry my brain if i don’t want to. (Reflecting on that: maybe I should watch more japanese lets plays, that’d be a good transition toward jdrama with subs in terms of difficulty). But on the other hand? I AM at a goal I wanted to be at for years. So I’m content to not improve much for a while/improve only as much as gaming naturally forces me to as I run into new words.

Study plan continues to be: get through glossika japanese (whenever the fuck i can MAKE myself continue), and play japanese video games <3

Chinese:

this is the meaty stuff lol. I was totally neglecting chinese the past few months (so what maybe winter?). Justice in the Dark came out. I am now in the ABYSS guys. I am on weibo so much just searching for updates of when the show will resume airing I have gotten a lot more comfortable on there in terms of reading posts/scanning for what I want versus want to ignore. And I am one of the LAZIEST people in some regards, in the sense I’d prefer to muddle through and puzzle out what something means then put in the effort to click a post, copy the text, open google translate, paste the text, and read through the translation. So for the most part I’ve just been zooming through weibo reading stuff since I am too bothered to use google translate unless i see something with specific dates mentioned and i wanna be Sure I grasped what they meant right. It’s probably fucking 2+ hours a day on weibo (i’d be horrified to admit possibly 4 hours god please don’t shame me ;-; I know I should use social media less okayyyyy). It’s like 1-2 hours on bilibil (being honest probably also fucking... 4 hours or horrifically more... don’t just don’t ask). I also made a fucking condensed audio version of Justice in the Dark, so I’m relistening (along with seeing the text subtitles in reaction vids/edits so much i’m getting so much RE-exposure i’m picking up any misunderstandings and fixing em). I am also listening to the audiobook and the audio drama of Silent Reading. I listened to like 3 hours of chinese audio-only stuff yesterday (5 chapters of the audiobook, half of audio drama 1, 1 condensed audio ep which is a heaping 35 minutes, and that’s not counting anything i listened to that was a video lmao). I also, because i’ve been missing it, listened to like 6 Ice Fantasy condensed audio files lately (which is idk also another 3 hours lets say). I’ve also been reading a bit, novels wise, but it’s really miniscule like maybe 20 minutes every few days compared to the sheer volume of time i’m on a social media or listening to chinese audio. 

So basically. If a day is 24 hours and i’m asleep 7 and working 8 and at a doctor 2, nearly all the other time is chinese stuff right now. So like... 7 hours? Maybe 4 minimum if we don’t count the time I’m reading stuff in english lately. I’m getting in way more chinese content then I have in a WHILE.

I knew this would happen when a drama i was interested in dropped. In fact for me personally, its worse than if Immortality dropped. Because Silent Reading is my fave priest novel I’ve read. So I absolutely am in DEEP right now. If it was any other drama, I might at least be taking some breaks lol. But Silent Reading/Justice in the Dark is like 80% of my brain space rn. Back when Word of Honor aired, my chinese comprehension took a leap for similar reasons. I was watching episodes before eng subs came out, rewatching eps over and over in reaction vids and video edits which let me pick up any words i didn’t understand the first time around (and made me practice listening to the audio since not every fan-made vid or reaction includes show subs). I went from ‘struggling to watch shows in chinese with no english subs or word lookups’ to ‘i can turn a show on and watch like it’s an english show for the most part - maybe some initial confusion if its a brand new genre until i learn the genre words by watching’ that i was left AFTER Word of Honor aired. After which point I watched Killer and Healer, and some Ma Tianyu shows that had no english subs all summer. After the Ma Tianyu shows pretty much any show not wildly outside my normal genres watched got about as easy to watch as english, in the sense i could start watching when tired or without looking at the screen as a ‘background show’ when i wanted. Word of Honor improved my language skills a LOT just cause I got so into it. It also got me better with novels, indirectly, because afterward I was able to move into extensive reading with no word lookups more often (difficult but it became at least doable sometimes).

I am way more into Justice in the Dark then I am Word of Honor (and i loved woh). But jitd is like GUARDIAN to me. I watched guardian like 5 times in the first months i found it and still rewatch and probably have the lines memorized. I pick up new details every time i watch guardian - same with jitd, i am BLOWN AWAY by how much information density is in each episode and how much i missed that i catch the next time around. I mean... dialogue alone in ep 1 is 35 minutes, in guardian it’s usually 20 minutes max time spent on dialogue. And the visuals clearly also put in their effort in jitd because i keep finding more i appreciate There too. So yeah. This particular circumstance of the show existing means i am in a pit and i’m going to be propelled on for a good while. 

I’m in this weird space, which generally means I’m making ‘progress’, where my chinese comprehension feels irritatingly ‘worse/not good enough’ again. Usually the pattern is: I feel like I barely understand, then I learn some stuff and feel AMAZED I understand so well, then I understand so much I start noticing what weak spots I still don’t grasp and the pattern repeats. I’m in that 3rd part where I just moved past feeling like ‘wow I understand this so well!’ to ‘fuck i am SO frustrated that a specific line was unclear to me, and I WISH i didn’t fail to grasp the paragraph i just heard, i’m so annoyed i NEEDED the reactor’s chinese subs to tell what word she said’ etc. 

But it’s like? Those are awesome things to notice i’m ‘bad’ at. Because I wasn’t even at a level of comprehension where I could understand enough to be bothered by these things, before. Like... I was listening to MoDu’s audio drama driving home yesterday, and I knew every scene, and I realized when it was the scene of the fuckers taking a picture of He Zhongyi’s dead body (that I listened to about 2 months ago and couldn’t figure out before)... and you know what I got frustrated with? That when Luo Wenzhou and the police were talking about the clues I had to guess ‘qianzi’ meant label on He Zhongyi’s forehead, because I couldn’t place the word in my memory. I was frustrated I didn’t follow every single clue... even though in the past I’d have been just SO beyond grateful to even realize I was listening to a specific scene where I could identify they’re talking about the dead body and evidence at the crime scene generally. Now I find myself getting annoyed I didn’t catch EXACTLY all the details. I’m catching the main ones easily, which now means I can afford to notice and be frustrated with individual sentences/sentence parts with details I don’t know some of the words in. 

Same with the audiobook. I’ve been listening this past week, and I knew what scene I was listening to as it went. Which I’d not been able to do before, when listening to modu’s audiobook maybe 4 months ago. Now I don’t struggle to place the scene. Instead I do struggle with a paragraph to 3-5 here and there, or a chunk of a sentence I hear. And it frustrates me a LOT. But damn if it’s not eons better than I was even just 4 months ago. Guardian audiobook is usually the only one I CAN listen to without reading the chinese text beforehand, just because I know Guardian’s story so well. I want to eventually be able to move into listening to new audiobooks and audio dramas I’ve never heard before so progress here is critically exciting to me. Don’t get me wrong though - i still think a BRAND NEW novel audiobook or audio drama with no prior context would be too hard. The Modu audio drama i can ONLY follow because i know the names already, and general settings. Otherwise I think the lack of those introductions and setting explanations would make it impossible for me to follow. A new audiobook.... might eventually be doable for me though. Since audiobooks DO introduce the characters and settings with description. But I think audio-word recognition is still my weaker area compared to reading. 

Anyway. In summary: justice in the dark drama came out and now i predict within 3-4 months my chinese comprehension will be improved at least a significant level because i’m just doing SO much. ;-;

yknow, maybe I'm not the only one but this is the first time ever for me, that chistmas hasn't felt good at all this year. Toxic sibling dynamics and toxic family issues aside, even celebrating with friends wasn't as fun as I had hoped this year.

My birthday was fine, but other than that? Somehow this christmas felt very dull and I am not even looking forward to it this year, maybe some of you can relate?

For example, I haven't gotten to enjoy our usual christmas traditions or went to any christmas markets without having to think if one of these purchases will throw me into an economic recession since the prices for it have become really crmininal. 20 Bucks for what? Three cups of cocoa? Outrageous really. They used to cost 2€ each and now? almost 6-7€ that's wild. So yeah, evidence number one: I could not enjoy christmas due to the ever so present threat of finances.

Secondly, I feel like positive news haven't really been as important for the media lately as bad news have been. Aside from this stupid ass world cup, I haven't noticed one good thing about the news lately, it's all negative. And I am well aware that a lot of shit is going on in the world right now, and it should absolutely be brought to light, but really? Not even one good news this entire month? Maybe I'm watching the wrong channels, but that's what it felt like to me.

Moreover, so many places (except supermarkets) refuse to play any christmas music. I get it, if you're working in retail or any other kind of customer service, you don't want mariah carrey blasting every minute, but it's so sad when you hear your usual pop charts instead. For example, my boyfriend and I went ice skating the weekend after my birthday happened, and whilst I had a lot of fun, the music kinda took me out of the entire experience.

Also, this year I really noticed how often channels would replay the same old christmas movies again and again and again, to the point where I was aware of how the movies ended each time. The wonder, surprise and everything was gone, and moreover, despite them being silly and cheap feel-good christmas movies where the busy protagonist moves back to her hometown and falls in love with a lumber jack, I kinda felt like, the contrast between the movies and my actual life was scarring. So much so that they made me more depressed than anything.

Decorating has been really hard as well, considering how expensive everything has gotten so we tried to make the best out of the little stuff that we had, but it still felt gloomier. Usually we buy a new ornament each year, this year we didn't.

We couldn't even visit the Halden this year which is somewhat of a little trip we do in our city. We drive up a mountain in a bus full of people and watch a light show, whilst walking through lit up woods and look at glowing statues and take photos. Not this year.

Somehow I feel like, that this year has been one of the gloomiest yet. Everything has been so expensive that the thought of paying 6€ for a cocoa is overshadowing every christmas joy you might have had., traditions were too expensive to continue and even your usual hallmark movie made me more depressed when looking at the current world issues right now. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? Is this just the reality that you face once you become an adult? Or is this year really a bit gloomy? please let's discuss.

Artists have a lot of feelings.

So I wanted to talk about my feelings for a bit. Ive been going to therapy (inconsistently) but the volume I need I just dont have the funds to afford it lol. SO I decided to come on here and ramble for a minute. Ive been having a bad couple of weeks, a bad few months, the last few years haven’t been too great either, if we’re being honest. Thats not to say that I haven’t received some amazing blessings throughout that time. I absolutely have. But I’ve been going through such a dramatic growth period some parts of this journey have felt overwhelming. 

Thinking about freedom, personal choices, self acceptance, what is objectively right? Does that matter, when people are not meant to live objective lives? Life is subjective by nature we are meant to have very different experiences. So I wanna talk to yall and encourage myself to be a bit more free and more accepting of myself.

Pandemic aside, so many of us have been going through traumas, huge endings, beginnings, while still trying to remain present in the world. After all the changes I went through I had to look at myself and say wow, you have changed. And part of this change is exactly what you asked for. Exactly what you prayed for. But it doesn’t look the way you thought it would so now you feel like its a punishment. Right?

I had a talk with myself, because I was in a situation recently where I felt like I was done so wrong, and I lashed out. And later regretted it because I felt like even though my feelings were justified I should not have responded in a hurtful way if I wanted to be received and just continue having a conversation that ends in changed behavior or some kind of resolution. No matter who anybody else is, I should always remember my principles and treat people how I want to be treated. If I am the one causing the confusion or the pain and someone is telling me their experience I dont want to shouted at bombarded etc so give people what you expect from them, right? Even if I dont get it back all the time thats the standard I try to hold for myself because I want to be someone who treats people with integrity.

And as I replayed this last conversation over and over in my mind and how I wish I would’ve spoken differently I start to take it even further back. What was the root of my anger? Why did I go off like that in THIS particular moment, when all up til now I had been able to contain my anger in a way that was not an attack. So I took it back even further. Waaaay back. To last year back. And I started to look at things from the other person’s perspective. WHYYY did they think this was ok? Why did they move like that?

In the midst of my outburst I told this person dont act like a victim. Which is essentially what I was doing. And because the basis of me and this person’s friendship was literally that we have so much of the same experiences, so much of the same heartbreak and so many of the same trauma responses, I  had to look again. I obsessively replayed the conversation in my head. I listened to their voice their words and I knew that I fucked up. 

Me, I’m the one who cries anytime I have to talk about my feelings. I wasn’t always like this. IN fact, I wouldn’t know what I was like before because I never spoke about my feelings. All of this was new for me. But I appreciated this person because they wouldn’t let me go without speaking my mind. So I forced myself to get comfortable telling my truth. But yeah, so now I am a giant cry baby. I have accepted it. Its my new thing, as a result of all the bullshit I been holding in. All the things Ive been trying to deal with on my own that have not amounted to any sufficient healing, just a little bandaid here and there. Maybe I will always have those scars? Maybe one day they won’t creep up on me when im trying to speak on something else. Hurt is not logical, pain is not logical, but it is mathematical. It adds up, multiplies itself.  The more you pile on top of it, the more you try to suffocate it ,it will turn around and swallow you up. It will totally consume you during conversations that have very little to do with it. 

Here I was, feeling that I had been done wrong after wrong after wrong because I wasn’t getting my way. Because I couldn’t manipulate the situation. Because I couldn’t deny the situation. What I wanted was essentially to live in my own world where I get to be happy because I get what I want. Because I felt like there’s nooo way im going through 3 straight years of bullshit and then I STILL end up with a shitty ending there just no way God would do me like that? Me, your homegirl?? Your beloved daughter? 

I put myself in their shoes. From the very beginning of this misunderstanding. Last year. I replayed all our old conversations. What went right. What I was thinking, what they were thinking. What I wasn’t saying, what they weren’t saying. What they did say that I wasn’t listening to. And I remembered being in a state of denial. Not wanting to make a final decision. Feeling caught in between 2 difficult choices where I felt like I was betraying people who were loyal to me, potentially fucking up life long relationships, to take a chance on something that felt right in the moment. I was frozen. I was prepared to wait it out until a decision just kind of made itself. Because I was afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid of being ostracized. Afraid of people gossiping about me. Afraid of being messed up to someone who was there for me when I felt alone. I was afraid to break a promise. I froze. And while I was frozen pretending that I had all the time in the world, they were waiting on me to make a choice. And when I wouldn’t, they decided for themself. As most self respecting people would. But for me, this was a huge betrayal. And another layer to add to my drawer of L’s. While I was enjoying their company using it as an escape from the unhappiness and the grief that was swallowing me up, they were feeling like I would never make a decision. Like they would be caught in the wind waiting forever. When they brought it to my attention. I froze, again. Didn’t know what to say. I was leaning towards a decision, but again, wanted to be super super sure so I didn’t say much. I didn’t say what I should’ve. And because I decided to hold back, to be intentionally unclear,  they decided their best course of action was to move forward without me. 

While this was being communicated to me I did not understand that they were telling me “I am moving on from this because it is painful and I no longer wish to be in pain. I am avoiding any more hurt. I am giving up on you because you cannot make a definitive choice about me.” I thought once again I could sweep the conversation under the rug until I was ready to speak. Me, I need time to formulate my thoughts. Especially where feelings are concerned. Off the top of my head I DO NOT KNOW. I have to put them together. I have to make them make sense I have to break every single thing down because I am so afraid of being wrong. And I was still wrong lol. 

This was the beginning of sooooo much pain for me. And the heaviness sat right on top of my chest, and wound itself up in the pit my stomach, and took all the other fucked up feelings and made this poisonous cocktail of insecurity, betrayal, confusion, regret, anger, toxicity. And this person, being who they were, believing that they were doing a noble, kind thing by helping me through my hurt, wanted to take responsibility for my feelings. To continue “fixing” me. (Maybe their lesson was that you can’t fix people?) Now, mind you, this whole time I had been receiving messages to let this situation go. Almost daily. But!! I refused. Because how tf was I gonna let go the only person in my life who was consistently providing me a safe space to be EXACTLY who I am. I was not willing to let that go because in my mind I would never feel this safe again. I would never feel this free again. Me who has perfected so well the art of compartmentalizing my life so that no one person knows every thing about me. I was felt comfortable to show up as myself, warts and all. And it felt GOOOD. To be seen, heard, understood. It felt amazing and I held on so fucking tight believing that THEY were the reason I had some relief from feeling fucked up all the time. When the wholesome this freedom was a choice I could have been making all along. But thats for another day. 

And I took this hurt and rationalized it and told myself that I would still be able to have the ending I wanted, the one I came up with in my mind. And so I held on to that. As they were moving further from our shared history I was holding tighter. And as I clenched tighter the hurt multiplied. The WHY ME’S? What did I do wrong? Without actually believing I had done anything wrong. Without truly understanding that just because I had certain intentions doesn’t mean that everyone will go along with your plan, even if they are your friend and they like you. I thought how can someone who cares about me treat me this way? How can this person know exactly what the fuck I been through and continue treating ME this way? He wasn’t treating me anyway, he was moving forward from a potentially painful situation. I felt like I was supposed to fight. Fight to earn this love. Fight to earn this friendship, fight to keep them around because losing them felt scarrrrrry. And every time this person moved on with THEIR reality I took it personally, it felt like a shot straight to my heart. And I kept explaining myself explaining myself because thats what I didn’t do before right? So maybe if I explain myself now I can talk my way out of this. Maybe I can get my way. I gave up on having my way after a while. It was becoming too toxic. They, wanted to remain friends. Because how could this person live with themselves believing they caused me so much pain. That was their bandaid. I thought I could fix things by explaining my feelings. They thought they could fix it all by offering ”friendship”. Friendship at this point was an insult because how dare you love me so intensely and then take it away, and go on parading your new happy life in my face as if im supposed to congratulate you. Alhough this concept of going BACK to being “friends” was not something I wanted to do, for me to be the one to cut everything off and have them now heartbroken and upset didn’t sit right with me. So I stayed around.  And I never took the time to look at the situation from any standpoint where I was not the victim. 

I knew they were hurt, but no one was hurt more than me. No one had suffered more than me. No one had given more than me. No one was willing to sacrifice more than me. And I wore that as a badge of honor but thinking back, it was too little too late. It was hurt I caused myself. I sacrificed myself, and to what avail? No one asked me to. I was afraid of going back to crippling loneliness, feeling boxed in from other ppls expectations. They were afraid of the same. We went about it in two different ways and this is the truth I have to accept. He was not wrong. He was so afraid to hurt me anymore that he just played along hoping one day I would be better, while he continued to live his life. And I was MADDDD that he could try to live his life separate from me. 

The moral of the story is, your feelings are valid. Your hurt, anger pain is valid. But sometimes the villain of the story is not them. Sometimes you are your own villain. Sometimes you cause your own mess and that still doesn’t make you a bad person. 

Everybody has skeletons. No one is perfect. No one is above being judged. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life for fear other ppl will not understand your motivation. Life is for the living.

Brilliantfiction Kazzenlx - Chapter 285 - About Him alleged chickens propose-p3

Jellynovel SPELLBOUNDblog - Chapter 285 - About Him sad scarce read-p3 Novel-SPELLBOUND-SPELLBOUND Chapter 285 - About Him panicky army Zanya smiled as she chuckled. "Don't stress, Princess, they've been wonderful if you ask me." MY WASTE PRINCE People were alleviated now, yet they knew it will probably be hard for them to not ever worry him immediately right off the bat. A lot less to act common around him and treat him like the direction they got designed to take care of Prince Gavriel. By some means, the specific situation was pretty clumsy. Gavrael shook his brain and Evie clapped her fingers. "Fine, every one of us should go where you can feast then." She explained and she dragged Gavrael behind her immediately after sharing with every person to follow along with them. "I am going to get this empire's throne." He added and Evie finally observed her speech. A/N: If we continue in our get ranking(Top in Gold Positioning) prior to the end with this month, i will give size release initial morning of October. So maintain voting spellbounders! Keep your Gold Seats emerging. "Will you be alright? These gentlemen didn't bully you, ideal?" Evie requested as she eyed her gents, most importantly Levy. Most of them only either rolled their eyeballs at her or searched offended at her responses. Only Levy experienced the decency to blush slightly when he averted his eyes in the princess' accusing gaze, giggling somewhat sheepishly. "No. Basically, I found myself one of many. We have Zanya and my men that are there to assist me. My wish to look at you all over again also taught me to proved helpful extra really hard." She explained, her confront peaceful and searching satisfied with whatever she acquired attained up to now. "Them all? Won't you practice a number of them with you?" "Individuals guys have been so loyal to you for a long time and would even give their lives up for you personally. As a result, you can't deal with them like this. These are generally our biggest allies, Gav." She reported having a laugh as she tugged his hand somewhat more difficult this point, realising he was not that in opposition to her recommendations now as he was before. Zanya smiled as she chuckled. "Don't be concerned, Princess, they've been great for me." "I will make you princess. But first, I am going to make myself the emperor from the vampires initially." Gavrael stated and Evie blinked. Performed he make which promise to her before he converted back time? All of a sudden, Evie failed to how to answer him. The moment they reached the underground cellular, Evie immediately questioned Gavrael to discover the doors. Without saying anything, Gavrael employed his miracle and the bars swung opened independently. "Will you be alright? These men didn't bully you, perfect?" Evie asked as she eyed her adult men, most especially Levy. Most of them only either rolled their eyeballs at her or checked offended at her comments. Only Levy acquired the decency to blush slightly as he averted his eyes coming from the princess' accusing gaze, chuckling slightly sheepishly. The men looked at Gavrael's back again. They can all experience how robust the person was. His ideas that they did not demand guards continue on replaying with their thoughts. Them all believed with how he was right now, he may not even want their help in any way. And so they could not support but truly feel just a little downwards. "No. Actually, I was one of many. I had Zanya and my guys who are there to help with me. My want to watch you just as before also got me to proved helpful extra really hard." She defined, her deal with peaceful and seeking satisfied with precisely what she had reached to date. Zanya smiled as she chuckled. "Don't stress, Princess, they've been wonderful in my experience." Caused by Evie's insistence, Gavrael removed his gaze into the men. His gaze dropped to Samuel and next to Leon. "Gav… be sure to, generate my comrades. Oh, I neglected to tell you, these males are your gentlemen, very. They are the elites who last loyally. They've been to you for a long time. You needed said previously that a lot of them were definitely already on you ever since you had been little. You had been the individual who ordered these phones protect me making use of their lives. Now come and let's relieve them." She climbed away from the sleep and drawn at his hand inside of a fun and teasing approach. "I am going to allow you to be queen. But first, I will make myself the king with the vampires initial." Gavrael reported and Evie blinked. Managed he make which promise to her prior to he transformed lower back time? All of a sudden, Evie failed to how to answer him. "I am going to consider this empire's throne." He extra and Evie finally located her speech. Evie then approached Gavrael yet again together with an enormous laugh, she spoke. "Are you planning to allocate them critical assignments?" Evie immediately rushed inside and hugged Zanya. And then, she quickly pushed Zanya at arm's span to analyze her from head to toe. These folks were relieved now, nevertheless they understood it will probably be challenging on their behalf not to worry him immediately right off the bat. Considerably less to do something comfortable around him and treat him like the way that they possessed useful to take care of Prince Gavriel. For some reason, the problem was pretty awkward. Evie then handled Gavrael just as before along with an enormous grin, she spoke. "Are you going to delegate them critical functions?" "These guys have been so faithful to you for several years and would even give their life up for you. Thus, you can't take care of them that way. These are our most effective allies, Gav." She stated by using a look as she tugged his palm a bit trickier this time, understanding he had not been that instead of her guidelines now while he was ahead of. The gents looked at Gavrael's back again. They are able to all feel how strong the man was. His words he did not demand guards persist in replaying in their heads. Them all considered that with how he was today, he may not demand their help in anyway. And so they could not guide but sense a bit decrease. The males checked out Gavrael's back. They can all really feel how robust the guy was. His ideas that they failed to need to have guards persist in replaying in their thoughts. All of them believed with how he was today, he may not actually need their assist at all. And they could not aid but sense slightly down. "You're planning to inform me to stay rear watching, proper?" she asked so when he just soundlessly stared at her, Evie immediately aimed to tell him. "Once we received separated from Dacria onwards, I acquired several things during my quest to Crescia. I can now get in touch with upon the dragons also. For those who don't believe me, I could reveal it for you personally now! Do you need to see it?" Evie received ecstatic as she shared with him these. "That's a pain relief." Evie sighed and next while not spending a second she started to fill them in on anything that obtained occurred. She spelled out in their eyes about Gavrael and Gavriel also, triggering everyone's oral cavity to piece start in disbelief. And then they all investigated the private and brooding gentleman who was leaning versus the walls and seeing them while the princess ended up being changing them over the headlines. Because of Evie's insistence, Gavrael raised his gaze for the guys. His gaze declined to Samuel and to Leon. Gavrael's brain was still a little disoriented, but he realized anything she was declaring. To make sure that described why these gents fought so well. When he possessed long gone against them, he acquired sensed like he possessed fought against them right before and also that was why the gentlemen seemed so that you can forecast his upcoming steps. He also recalled he experienced one thing weird as he was about to kill that very long haired man. Mysteriously, his physique just stopped within its tracks right before his sword could slit his neck. ____ Gavrael shook his travel and Evie clapped her hands and wrists. "Fine, most of us is going and have a feast then." She explained and she dragged Gavrael behind her after revealing to everyone that you follow them. ____ Due to Evie's insistence, Gavrael lifted his gaze towards gents. His gaze declined to Samuel and to Leon. "I don't require guards." The gents checked out Gavrael's back. They may all truly feel how powerful the man was. His terms he failed to require guards continue on replaying inside their minds. Every one of them believed with how he was now, he may not even want their assist by any means. And they also could not assist but experience a little downward.

The four Lord's accidentally hurting their s/o during an argument

Alcina Dimitrescu

She was BEYOND PISSED

You had gone to hangout with her brutish brother, Heisenberg

Again

Without her knowing

She didn't mind, as long as you told her

But it seemed like you made it a POINT to leave without doing so

"Alcina, I'm a grown (man/woman/person) I can go as I please!"

"Oh forgive me for treating you like a child! As your behavior has shown me!"

She stood tall and stiff, arguing with you

And you stood (as tall as you could), glaring at her with defiance

Alcina was sheathing and unsheathing her long claws behind her back

Trying not to slice her beloved's head off

But when you got like this, it was rather difficult

You threw your hands up, in anger

"This is the shit, Heisenberg, is talking about!! You use your height to talk down on everyone!! And it-"

She swung her hand to shut you up

And.... well it did shut you up

Her claws had been out

Slicing your midsection open, effectively gutting you

Before you could hit the ground, the Draculina caught you

And rushed you to her chambers, where the maids started to care for you

She never left your side, holding your hand

Once cleaned, sewn up and bandaged, the chambermaids left your both alone

There she sat for days, for her it felt like months, years... and eternity even

You finally woke up and looked at her

For the first time in almost a century, Alcina let herself be human

Large, fat tears where streaming down her face

Though she made no sound and you couldn't see her eyes

You knew by how hard she tightened her grip on your hand

That she was relieved and desperately sorry

"Im sorry too, you know... I should be more careful about your feelings. And-"

She cut you off

This time with her lips, forgiving you with no words

Angie and Donna Beneviento

On very, very, very rare occasions would you and Donna argue

And this was such a time

You had wanted to go into the village

But Donna, insisted you stay home, just for a bit

This, for whatever reason, pissed you off

"Your so goddamned controlling, Donna! Is it a big fucking problem for me to want to be alone, just for a few hours!?"

She never would say anything back, she didn't have to

The pollen would do it for her

Through narrowed eyes, she made you see the worst

Your angry ranting stopped

You saw your family's deaths replaying

Right. In. Front. Of. You.

Your mother crashing in to a dark river, your brother slashing his arms, bleeding out, and your father going mad, setting the family home on fire, letting himself burn alive

You knew none of this was true, but.... it felt so real...

You fell to your knees, weeping, but making no noise

Letting the tears fall, you sat back pulling your knees to your chest

Donna and Angie both knew it was going a bit too far

"Great!! Now (he/she/they're) broken!" Angie fussed

Donna made the illusion dissappear, feeling bad about what she had done

You were curled up, holding yourself

Angie, was already at your side, uncharacteristically, trying to soothe you

Donna kneeled on front of you, wiping your tears

You all sat like this for hours

Finally, you calmed down

"Donna-"

She shushed you, pulling you into her arms

You hugged her and Angie

This is how you all forgave one another

And it always worked

Salvatore Moreau

He never liked it when you got like this...

You could be come so rageful

And it scared and confused him

All he asked was "Darling? Will you help me decide which experiment to send to Mother?"

And you exploded, throwing things and yelling at him

"EVERYTHING YOU DO IS FOR MIRANDA!! WHAT ABOUT ME!? IM TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!"

This continued, until you threw a knife in his direction

It just barely missed hitting him

This caused him to explode as well

Like Donna, he rarely argues but that was the last straw

You stopped your rampage to watch his

He finally turned into his MASSIVE other form

And rushed off

You realized that you were to blame for this

So you followed him to the Reservoir

Watching him let out his anger out in the water and surrounding area

Him, not knowing you followed, bashed into some of the rocks

Causing them to fall, on top of you

Luckily, you jumped far enough away, not to get completely covered

You screamed as your leg got caught in the rockfall

Moreau hear it, transformed back and rushed to you

Uncovering the rocks, and pulled you to him

Quickly he made a tourniquet and gently pulled you to safety

"Im sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were there, my Precious..."

He continued to whimper apologies to you

You cut him off, "No... im sorry, I shouldn't explode like that..."

You both sat in comfortable silence, knowing that this would happen again

Probaly

Karl Heisenberg

You both were HEATED

You simply asked him to help you out a bit with some chores

To which he exploded

Throwing harsh and colorful words at you

"Ungrateful lazy bitch." Was hastily thrown at you

To which you retaliated with, "Piece of shit garbage."

Not caring about the floating debris, you tried to leave

Which Heisenberg blocked your way, a bit too aggressive

Not bothering to look at what he did

One of the flying slabs of metal sliced open your arm

Almost cutting it off

Though Karl didn't look at you, but your screech made him whirl around

Anger gone, when he saw your blood pouring out on to the floor

He rushed to your side, ripping his shirt into makeshift bandages

As he was wrapping you up, you started to pass out due to bloodloss

For the first time, in the longest time, Heisenberg felt himself panic

"Y/N! Stay with me, please!! Dont-"

You lost consciousness

He stood up and pulled you into his arms and rushed to Dimitrescu Castle

Kicking the large door in, he demanded that Lady D help

She was about to refuse, but saw the tears streaming down his face

And an eyeful of you bleeding out

She quickly snapped at her chambermaid's to help you

A few hours passed, with Heisenberg pacing outside of the room where you were being cared for

When the door opened he pushed past the maid, to your side

You looked at him, wanting to hit him

But softened up seeing this rugged man crying and apologizing for his outburst

You couldn't get him to shut up

And he held your hand like a life line

You petted his head with your other hand

Once he calmed down, you started to laugh

Karl looked at you like you lost your mind

"What the FUCK are you laughing at!? I almost took your gotdamn arm off!! I-"

"I... i..." You wheezed, " I forgot why we were arguing."

Karl looked up thoughtfully, "Damn. So did i."

He leaned forward and gave you a kiss

"Still... im sorry."

Wildest Dreams - In the Death of the Night

Masterlist

After turning 10 and losing her soulmate, Marinette would imagine how Damian Wayne would be.

Would he be tall or short? Did he have blond hair or brown or did he dyed it? Would he be shy or have a bold personality? Perhaps he was an artistic soul, a poet, a writer? Or would he be a baker like her parents? Why did his last name change?

The wonders and questions took over her mind for days with no end.

On good days, she imagined how he would interact with her friends, how her parents would take him in as their own son, how he would fit into her life.

She liked to talk to him, pretending there, alive, with her. She asked his opinion on what to wear, how she should do her hair, what colors with go well with the design. He was her voice of reason. Talking to "Damian" brought a smile to her face, even when she knew she was deluding herself.

On bad days, she pretended he was right there with her, comforting her, encouraging her, whispering that everything would be alright... Sometimes it worked and she felt better the next days but most times she felt bitter, she felt robbed of a future where he was in her life.

The realization that the person she was supposed to share her soul with was no longer alive, that his death was painful, gruesome, and... lonely... It always ended with her taking a few days to prevent a breakdown...

When she turned 13, Hawkmoth appeared and Marinette became Ladybug, the hero of Paris.

Soon after, Marinette stopped talking with "Damian", she couldn't afford to wonder about him anymore. She couldn't afford the bliss of her own delusions. She couldn't afford to let herself grief and fall pray to Hawkmoth's manipulation.

As she couldn't fail Paris and its citizens, Damian Wayne mostly disappeared from her life.

But there were days when her “friends” demanded a lot from her, akumas were too violent and draining and everything was just too much, those the godawful days.

On godawful days she wished Damian was there to take her away to a place she could feel she belonged. Away from everything to a place she could call a home.

_______

Most nights Damian recalls a voice talking to him during the time he was dead.

His soulmate, he supposed, talked to him regularly, she started her day asking his opinion on her outfit for the day, when at home she would tell him how her day went, what she did with her friends, what she learned in class, etc...

At first, Damian was pretty much annoyed that he couldn't "rest in peace" with all the noise pollution but after a few weeks, he slowly started to tolerate her talking to him.

Unfortunately, he couldn't talk to her nor see her very clearly so it was a pleasant surprise when Marinette would ask his opinion to make a decision, she always picked what he chooses.

Perhaps it was their bond that allowed her to know what he was thinking without actually hearing each other's thoughts. Or maybe they were more in sync with one another. Most likely it was pure luck on her part. (Him being dead is enough proof of how bad his luck was.)

In the months he was dead, Damian learned a grand lot Marinette. He liked how she made him feel he wasn't alone, like how her voice calmed him when he remembered the family he left behind in his death. Marinette was his only lighthouse in the vast void of the afterlife

_______

Impotent, despair, and hopeless.

That's how Damian felt every time Marinette had to relive his death. He hated it so much. She didn't deserve that and it broke his heart every damn time.

Why did he have to die? Why did it have to be in such a painful way? Why did she have to feel it on repeat over and over and over again? Was it a twisted way the universe tried to make them reunited? If they can't find each other in life, then they can be together in death? That isn't right!

But it always hurts more when she wakes up and talks to him. Wondering if he was happy and in peace, in wherever place he ended up.

He was there but she didn't know.

He felt sick.

After being revived, Damian felt an immense sense of loss. Sure, he was kinda happy to reunite with his family and grateful for being alive again, but he missed her.

It was difficult to readjust to being alive again, it was crystal clear that Damian Wayne wasn't okay. What hurts him the most was how her name turned into a scar on his wrist.

During the day paranoia settled in making him always on high alert, lashing out when it got too much for him.

In the night, he couldn't sleep properly as a feeling of unease latched onto his every nerve and when he did sleep, nightmares plagued him.

Damian tried to calm down in various ways, but ultimately it was Marinette's voice that soothed him and lulled him to sleep.

It quickly became a habit to replay their one-sided conversations as he tries to fall asleep.

He went over what Marinette Dupain-Cheng spoke to him time and time again as to engrave her voice in his mind. Unfortunately, her voice was fading away, every time he recalled it, he hear his own voice.

At least some memories remained, which was relieving for Damian, even when important ones like what language she spoke or the name of her school were completely wiped out.

He never told his family his experience while he was dead, he guesses Jason was the most likely to know about it but he never brought it up to anyone, so Damian did the same.

Now he was lying in bed, remembering about the time Marinette tried embroidery for the first time.

She started by searching up what she wanted it to be and after much talking, she chose a Robin, Damian smile at the eagerness he felt for her to chose it. It was a fun day, with her making comments here and there about the work, he wishes he could see it.

A knock woke him up of his thoughts, Alfred emerging from the door.

"Master Damian, I'm here to inform you a guest will be joining us for tomorrow's dinner."

"Whose guest?" He didn't really feel like dealing with new people.

"It's Master Jason's guest."

Damian groans, perhaps he could go visit Kent.

"It would be in your best interest to participate, Master Damian." Alfred gave him a look.

He sighed, definitely can't miss tomorrow or he'll have to face Pennyworth.

So, I've written another chapter while listening to a sad song on repeat :') I know it doesn’t really connect to the last chapter but I wasn’t feeling okay and didn’t know how to continue from where I left off.

I hope y’all enjoyed this and have a nice day!

P.S.: The taglist is temporarily closed as some tags aren't working. Again, I'm very sorry if I missed anyone. If you no longer want to be tagged please hit me up.

Taglist:

@thestressmademedoit @moonlightstar64 @dast218 @moonystars14 @buticaaba @urbanpineapplefarmer @thedragonbug  @little-lady-bird @an-actual-changeling @ladybug-182 @ash-amg @g-arya @nnon-it-up @hateswifi @maribat-is-lifeblood @kikooaaaaaa @jessigurl-design @vixen-uchiha @acoursedprophetwithasmothie @snow-leopard-777 @theatreandcomicfreak @zalladane @fusser90 @finallyaniguana @danielslilangel @dreamykitty25 @corabeth11 @ellymae21 @books-and-left-behind-journals @hetalia-lover-is-here @dorkus-minimus @magic-miraculous @waywardpeachgardenshark @darkthunder1589 @jaggedheart11 @daminettes @todaylillypads @schrodingers25 @pheonixashtree @mikantsume @eliza-bich @miraculous-simmer7 @goblinwhoships @fidget-eep @rosalineandrosemary @lunarwolfspn @more-or-less-human-i-guess @aestheticnpoetic @amayakans @abrx2002 @karategirl119 @agentofscifi @flower-and-drawing @itsmeevie01 @suddenly-i-kin-oikawa @ii-fox-demon @thatonecroc @dawnwave16 @bigpicklebananatree @violentbisexualprophecywriter @scribblinggraveyard @heaven428 @toodaloo-kangaroo @ravennightingaleandavatempus @chylou34 @silvergold-swirl @magictragic-world @snowstar1016 @heldtogetherbysafetypins @awkwardoneout @novicevoice @thenillabean @bookishdork13 @laurcad123 @thezestywalru @k-poplunardreams @coloursforyourportrait @fandomsaremylifeline @goddessofthewestwind @captainmac6 @chocolatecatstheron @princessanimeangel11 @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @ur-beautiful-when-u-smile @batlover1303 @softlysobbingpostendgame @justconfusedperiod @clumsy-owl-4178 @bluesimani @iwritelikeimrunningoutoftime @kokotaru @totalyasexual @professionalfangirl1738 @nitholites @zestyzealot @pawsitivelymiraculous @autiegirlshit @raz-b-rose @thanks-captain-obvious @emilytopaz @nightstarblue @2confused-2doanything @niknak-3 @blackroserelina @fortunatelyoptimisticdeer @ira-sairain @pepelachanel @naimena @iloveitwhen @disneyfoxuniverse @ur-average-reader @lylshyt @jerusalemandolives @anonymously-odd @southamericanghotamite @a-star-with-a-human-name @we-want-mini-mini @literallytryingmybestbutok @alenee13 @animegirlweeb @our-preciousss @prudencerika @byronsacademics @ivymala07 @shamefullove @susiej1118 @technicallyburninggarden @sentimentalcrap @ertyzeta @tomanyfandomsonmymind @starmist19 @synnesstra @nokia75 @swiftie-miraculer13 @solideogloria172 @a-door-into-my-mind @road-work-ahead123 @madking-warqueen @caseoftheblues @buginetye @ihavehomeworkbutistillhere @i-wanna-go-to-outerspace @insane-fangirl-of-everything @ultimatetornshipper @chaoticstarworld @adrestar @wolf-for-life @blacktea-ba @pinkk-sheep @autiegirlshit @chocolateherringtacofan @blackroserelina @samopotahto @blur-of-colours @stainedglassm @redbullgivescaswings @khneltea @amigotasbien @sdg-demachera @alyssadeliv @greatcatblaze @raesofmoonlight @galla02006 @sunflowers-and-mooncakes @novaloptr @qualitypeacepainter @solangelo252 @unnamed2357 @thespianlesb @mildlydeadly @yuriyuhitsu @hewantedbeefintheparkinglot @literaryhiraeth @luna025 @henie04 @trashesa @castle-bookworms-world

Initials

Summary: Bucky and Steve finds their third soulmate in Wanda’s sister. Only problem is that she’s supposed to be dead, not Hydra’s new prized possession.

Warnings: fluff, angst, violence, slight gory details,

Reader: Female Enhanced Reader

Pairings: Stucky x Reader

Word Count: 2,845

A/n: This is a soulmate one shot where your soulmates initials are imprinted on the insides of your wrists.... Might do a part two, not sure yet...

Masterlist

“We’ve got a new threat,” Maria says, entering the conference room. She tosses a thin file onto the table. The Avengers sitting at the table look at the file before Steve reaches for it. The only contents within the folder is a blurry picture and a list of confirmed kills.

“This is all we know?” Steve questions, his eyes flickering up to Maria. 

“That and this,” She says, motioning toward the screen. A moment later a grainy video plays. They observe the feminine figure completely take down a building of armed agents single handedly.

“Wait...” Wanda whispers, shifting to the edge of her seat. Maria replays the videos while others glance towards the her. “I know her,”

“Care to share with the class?” Tony questions. Wanda doesn’t respond right away, simply looks at the screen with misty eyes.

“Wanda, if you know who she is, we need to know,” Natasha explains lightly. Wanda blinks away the tears and clears her throat.

“She’s my sister,” She responds in a quiet voice.

“Excuse me, did you say sister?” Tony asks. “How many of you are there?” Everyone ignores him.

“Her names Y/n,” Wanda begins to explain. “She’s my older sister, she looked after Pietro and I when our parents were killed,”

“What happened to her?” Steve questions, while Bucky glances at his wrist wondering if his partner has the same feeling in his chest.

“She died,” Wanda says, glancing toward him. “Hydra approached the three of us about the experiments. They made all these promises and while my brother and I were quick to agree Y/n was more hesitant. Pietro and I wouldn’t listen to her concerns, we made it clear we were going to continue with Hydra with or without her,” Wanda admits regrettably. “We weren’t the only ones to be experimented on but Pietro and I were the only ones to survive,”

“And your sister?” Natasha questions.

“We were told she had died,” Wanda says. “Obviously they lied to us. They must have moved her to a different facility,”

“Do you have any idea of what she can do?” Steve asks.

“Before we were told she died she could heal quickly. When I say heal, I mean you could cut her arm off and a new one would grow back,” Wanda explains.

“Must be nice,” Bucky mutters. Steve continues to stare at Wanda but rests a hand on Buck’s thigh.

“It’s been years since then, I doubt that is all she can do now,” Wanda warns them. “I also know that she never wanted any of this. The only reason why she agreed was to try and keep the three of us together. Whatever she’s done, it’s not of her own free will,”

“We’ll find her and try to bring her in,” Steve says.

“We have experience with forced Hydra assets,” Bucky mentions. Wanda glances toward him. “We’ll help her,” He assures knowing Wanda’s worry about her sister getting hurt. She sends him a small smile.

Finding Y/n and bringing her in sounded much easier than it ended up being. Wanda had been right, advanced healing wasn’t the only ability she possessed. 

“Hey, guys,” Natasha breathes, through the coms. It had taken a few month to figure out how to find Y/n and now the team is trying to fight her in the middle of the woods. Trying. “You sense something familiar in her abilities?”

Once Natasha had asked the question, everything clicked. Hydra had found a way to replicate any ability the Avenger’s had and give it to Y/n. She had Thor’s lightening, Clint’s wicked accuracy, Natasha’s skill in combat, Bucky and Steve’s strength, Wanda’s magic, and even Pietro’s speed. None of them knew if she had the ability to turn into a Hulk and honestly didn’t want to find out. They had enough to deal with without having to add the Hulk to the equation.

“How are we going to stop her?” Clint groans, slowly pushing himself back on his feet. “She’s going to tear us apart one by one if we don’t figure something out,” He comments looking around for a silver streak.

“Steve,” Bucky mutters, standing back to back with his partner. “Maybe we could get through to her,”

“We don’t know if we’re right,” Steve replies.

“We’re right,” Bucky states, confidently.

“Even if we are we can’t get close enough to touch her,” Steve mentions, his head snapping to the side as Tony falls out of the sky and to the ground. Luckily it wasn’t a far fall. By the time Steve and Bucky got to him, Y/n was nowhere in sight.

“I know this chick is Wanda’s sister but I really don’t like her,” Tony groans as F.R.I.D.A.Y. gives him a run down on everything that’s damaged with his suit.

“I got an idea,” Bucky says, sharing a look with Steve.

“Whatever it is, hurry up,” Natasha whines, after being throne violently into Clint. “She’s play with us right now, sooner or later she’s going to go in for the kill,”

“Wanda, what’s your location?” Bucky asks.

“Half a mile to your right,” Wanda responds. Bucky spots her.

“Can you stop her?” Bucky asks. “Hold her in place long enough for Steve and I to get to her?”

“It will not be easy,” Wanda warns.

“Can you do it?” Steve snips, a bit. Wanda looks conflicted but slowly nods. “Then do it,” He orders.

“We have to get her to Wanda,” Bucky says.

“We’ll start luring her to her,” Clint grumbles, nocking another arrow. Within a couple of minutes, Y/n speeds past Wanda before forced to stop. Wanda grinds her teeth as she holds Y/n in place.

“I can’t hold her for long,” Wanda warns frantically. Bucky and Steve both race towards her. When they’re close enough, each of them grabs a wrist. A tingling feels waves through both of their bodies as their souls recognize their mate.

The sensation of Bucky and Steve initiating the bond with her along with the extensive use of her abilities causes Y/n to pass out in Bucky’s arms. The super soldier easily scoops her into his arms and holds her close.

“Couldn’t have done that earlier?” Clint breathes, pressing his hand against his side.

“Let’s get back to the jet,” Steve orders.

“We just going to ignore the fact that she’s your mate?” Tony asks.

“Not now,” Bucky barks. Tony raises his hands and follows them onto the jet.

“Bruce will be waiting to check on her,” Natasha tells them. The two soldiers nod before taking a seat. Bucky refuses to let her go and places her feet on Steve’s lap.

“I thought she was dead,” Wanda whispers, staring at her sister. “Yet all this time she’s been through god knows what with Hydra,”

“Well, she’s here now,” Steve tries to comfort her. “She’s safe,” Bucky rests his head atop of her head. He buries the anger he feels towards Hydra at what they’ve done to her. “She’s safe,” Steve repeats, this time staring at his boyfriend. Bucky gives him a small smile.

When they landed Bruce took her to medical and checked on her. He took blood samples and scanned her body. The entire time Wanda, Steve and Bucky hovered.

Bruce tried to explain what was going on with her cells but they didn’t exactly understand what he was saying. All that mattered is that she’s safe and healthy.

It took an additional two days before she finally began to wake up. At this point only Steve and Bucky sat by her bed. Wanda had gone off to get them food.

Almost immediately Y/n began to panic not recognizing her surroundings. Steve and Bucky quickly calmed her down with a simple touch and soft words. While it helped calm her movement it was obvious she was still on high alert.

Now that she’s awake, Bruce was able to do more tests. However, the moment he entered Y/n reacted protectively of not only herself but of her mates. Her powers lashed out and successfully knocked the doctor out before Steve and Bucky were able to explain that Bruce just wanted to help and that he wasn’t going to hurt any of them.

When Bruce woke up, Y/n was still weary of him but didn’t attack again. She trusted her mates and only relaxed when the tests were done and he left. 

“Where are we?” She whispers.

“New York,” Steve explains. “The Avenger’s tower,” She winces at the word ‘Avenger’.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Bucky asks, hesitantly. She doesn’t answer for a few minutes.

“They wanted a weapon to defeat the Avengers,” She explains. “Someone strong enough to kill all of you,”

“You could have easily completed that mission, why didn’t you?” Steve asks. Y/n glances at him. The conflict is clear in her eyes.

“I don’t like killing,” She whispers. “I try to stop myself but I can’t do it all the time,” Bucky instantly picks up on the fact that Hydra had instilled the same compliance protocol in her as they had him. “When they sent me to kill you all, I tried to hold back. Give you a chance to... stop me,” Bucky grips her head knowing that ‘stop’ isn’t the word she had wanted to use.

“You’re strong,” Bucky tells her. She glances to him. “Not everyone can fight the control Hydra has. I couldn’t,” She frowns her eyebrows. Bucky shares a look with Steve before explaining his story to her. Steve chimed in here or there as well as going off on his own tangents with his own background stories.

At some point while talking, the three of them moved to Bucky and Steve’s floor within the tower to be more comfortable. The both of them knew the rest of the Avengers are hesitant to have her around, not knowing if she’s in control of herself or not. They all know that if her mind were to switch again and she tries to kill them, they’d be very lucky if they could stop her.

For almost a month, Y/n stayed on their floor. Bucky and Steve stayed with her, only venturing out if they needed something like food or clothes for Y/n. Throughout the month they learned about each other. Bucky and Steve were very open with her while she was more reserved with the details of her life.

What she did decide to explain were watered down stories of what happened to her in Hydra. She didn’t want to tell them all the gory details. 

She didn’t want to tell them that Hydra had tested how well her healing ability was by putting her through a meat grinder and watched her body slowly, and extremely painfully, put herself back together.

She didn’t tell them how they would electrocute her body for hours on end with no break in order to test how strong her abilities mimicking Thor were. Nor did she tell them about the grueling sparing matches that would have killed her should she have been a normal human.

Bucky had questioned her if they had tried to wipe her memories. She had to think for a moment before answering.

“They tried,” She remembers. “Multiple times but my mind would heal and bounce back too quick. It wouldn’t work. They had to find a way to get me to stop thinking about the past, to give up the little hope I clung too... They did it through the pain. They broke me to the point where all I would think about was how to live to the next day instead of reminiscing how I lived in the past,”

The anger Steve and Bucky felt whenever she explained anything about Hydra could not be measured. How they kept themselves from destroying the room is a mystery. Steve thought his anger towards Hydra was bad after everything that happened with the war and then with Bucky. But now it was amplifying as Y/n explains her story.

“I know I had a past... It’s just hard to think past the last few years,” She whispers.

“It’ll come to you,” Bucky promises, kissing the side of her head. She instinctively curls into his lap and he holds her to his chest. “The good memories will come, I promise,”

“What if I don’t have any?” She whispers, her eyes misting over.

“Then we’ll make some,” Steve tells her. He wraps both Bucky and Y/n in his arms. “We’ll make so many good memories you won’t think to remember the bad ones,” Y/n smiles, snuggling deeper in Bucky’s embrace.

It wasn’t until after several evaluations through Bruce, did Y/n leave the floor that had become her home. She started spending more time around the other’s but not without at least one of her mates right next to her.

There is one Avenger that seemed to be avoiding her.

“Do you mind if I come in?” Y/n asks, lightly knocking on Wanda’s door. At this point Y/n has been within the Avenger’s tower for about four months. She was slowly adjusting but it was happening.

“I shall give you two some privacy,” Vision states, standing from the bed he had been laying on with Wanda. Y/n gives him a polite smile and moves to give him room to walk out the door.

“You look better,” Wanda comments, sitting at the edge of the bed.

“I doubt I could have looked any worse than when you found me,” Y/n jokes. Wanda smiles a bit before patting the spot beside her. “You look so beautiful,” She whispers. “A little older than when I last saw you,” Wanda smiles, her head hanging a bit. “I’m sorry,” Wanda’s head snaps towards her.

“Sorry?”

“I couldn’t keep us together,” Y/n whispers, tears brimming her eyes. “I left you in that facility... I left you and Pietro,” Y/n’s voice chokes at his name. “I left you to deal with his death alone,”

“No, no, you didn’t have a choice,” Wanda reaches to pull her into a hug and Y/n clings to her. Both of them being to cry in each other’s arms. “It’s my fault... If we weren’t so damn stubborn non of this would have happened,” Wanda laughs pitifully. Y/n hugs her sister even tighter. “We thought you were dead... If we had known-”

“I know,” She whispers, puling from the hug. They both wipe their tears.

“He missed you so much,” Wanda whispers. “We both did,”

“Well, I’m here now... And I have you to thank for that,” Wanda smiles, shrugging slightly.

“What are sister’s for?” They smile at each other and quickly go in for another hug, this time neither of them pulling away for some time.

While mending her relationship with her sister was a large step in the right direction, Y/n still had a long journey a head of her. It wasn’t until 7 months in the Avenger’s facility did she realize that she’s not the only one trying to heal from her past.

In the beginning, when Y/n was cleared to leave medical, she had been offered her own space. Her fear of being left along meant that her own room was being used as a large closet while she spent her nights safely tucked between two large super soldiers. 

Usually, her whimpers and moving around is what wakes the other two up. However, tonight it’s not her nightmares that are causing problems.

“Bucky?” Y/n groans, slowly waking from her sleep. A moment later Bucky’s body is shooting up and his chest is heaving violently. “Bucky, baby?” Y/n sits up, shoving Steve’s arm off of her. “Honey, look at me,” She whispers, gently caressing his chin. His body tenses as he involuntarily flinches from her. “It’s ok... It’s alright,” She whispers, not forcing him to look at her but encouraging him.

“Hi,” He whispers, sweat dripping down his forehead. She sends him a calm, comforting smile as she wipes the drops away.

“Hey,” She whispers back. “It’s ok... They’re just nightmares... I won’t let them hurt you,” She promises. Bucky stares at her before pushing their foreheads together.

“I’m sorry for waking you,” He mutters.

“Don’t,” She shakes her head, bumping their noses together. “I’ve woken you both up countless times, it’s nice to help you for a change,” Bucky smiles, slithering an arm around her waist. He hauls her on top of him as he lays back down. She props her head up and gently rubs his chest. “Do you want to talk?”

“No... Just wanna look at ya, doll,” He whispers, his hands gently gliding up and down her sides. She smiles, her head nuzzling into his neck as his hands slip under her shirt to caress her skin. It’s only a couple of minutes before Steve is rolling closer in his sleep, his need to be as close as possible to them shinning through even while in dreamland. 

“We’re going to be ok, Buck,” She whispers to him. His arms tighten around her.

“That’s right, baby doll,” Bucky mutters, kissing her head. “We’re going to be just fine,”

do you have any thoughts on bree tanner?

On Bree Tanner herself, not so much. I did read her book, and from my recollection (I lent it to a friend who never gave it back. And I’m pretty sure she didn’t even read it(!)) Bree is pretty much what she’s presented as. 

She’s not stupid, but she’s not particularly intelligent either, she’s nice, but not a saint. She has been a vampire for only a few months, but she has already lost her empathy for humans. She’s an introvert who cares deeply for her friend Fred and crush Diego. She was never inclined to fight anybody, and spent the newborn battle just sort of mingling in quiet terror.

She’s a sweet person I’m sure would have made a pleasant addition to the Cullen coven, but ultimately she’s not remarkable.

When it comes to Diego, her supposed mate... hm. For those who didn’t read the book, Riley told the newborns they had to stay in the shadows or they’d burn in the sun. Bree gets a huge crush on one of the other newborns, and they find out vampires actually sparkle. This changes everything! Diego goes to tell Riley about the sparkling. Diego goes to live on a farm after that. No, really, that’s pretty much what Riley tells everybody. Diego is fine, he’s on a very special assignment, next question. Bree eventually figures out that Diego is dead, and her grief combined with a lot of other factors lead to her concluding life is miserable. She dies thinking “Oh well, guess I had a good run.”

Not unsurprisingly, I not only don’t believe in mates, but I also don’t think Diego was anything close to it for Bree either. They were close friends, Bree found out he was dead, and had no time to process it. More, vampires feel very strongly, and this was the only truly emotional event to befall Bree. It knocked her out completely. So, that she then decides she doesn’t mind dying because there’s no point living in a world without Diego seems to me to be a reaction born of her being young (both for a vampire and a human), emotionally inexperienced, and having been hit by this news less than an hour earlier. Had she lived, she would have been just fine.

So, those are my thoughts on Bree Tanner as a person.

Bree Tanner's impact is a different matter.

I think her death was one of the catalysts for the plot of Breaking Dawn.

The vampires in Seattle all died, Victoria included. There were no one left who knew Bree, and her life would have been a moment lost in time, like tears in the rain (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

But there were the Cullens. More specifically, Carlisle.

Carlisle had spent his formative years in Volterra, and parted with Aro in friendly terms. He remained fond of Aro, and continued to think highly of him. He and Aro would have spoken of the Volturi, of the Volturi mission, of how such a law is enforced, and it is prudent to also assume that Carlisle would have witnessed at least a few trials. He came away from all that thinking of the Volturi as strict, but fair rulers. 

Jasper, by comparison (I’m bringing him in because I think he’s more representative of how your average vampire who hasn’t been Aro’s boytoy for decades would view the Volturi), shivers in fright at the mere thought of the Volturi. To him they were executioners. But, again, fair. You break the law, and the Volturi descend upon you like God of the Old Testament.

Then cut to Eclipse, Victoria’s got a newborn army wreaking havoc in Seattle, attracting a lot of attention in a developed country in a time of globalized news. They’re on CNN daily. They might as well write “Fuck the Volturi” in the sky.

And the Volturi do nothing.

Now why, Carlisle and his family wonders, would they do such a thing?

Edward has all the answers, of course - that Aro is choosing not to intervene because he doesn’t like how large and powerful Carlisle’s coven has gotten, and Victoria’s newborn army will take care of that for him. Edward also goes on about how Aro desperately wants him and Alice by his side, which does prompt an “... you sure about that?” from Carlisle, but ultimately Aro’s inaction on the subject speaks for itself and Carlisle can’t make any excuses for it.

Regardless of Aro’s motives, that the Volturi would not be coming to enforce their own law became very clear. As a result of their inaction, Carlisle was forced to betray several of his own principles. He had to ask Jasper to teach the family how to kill others, he had to accept the aid of teenagers who could very well get themselves killed, he had to put his beloved family at risk, and he had to kill other vampires.

Aro’s inaction put him through hell and could have gotten his family killed. Would have, if it weren’t for the wolves.

Jane then decides to make her entrance right after the battle ended, while the fire is still going. The timing could not be more clear: the Volturi were waiting it out, letting the Cullens be culled.

We then get to Bree, who was an innocent in all the ways that counted, and not at risk of repeat offenses. Jane executes her anyway. Not just that, she makes sure to torture Bree, twice, entirely gratuitously:

“She’ll tell you anything you want to know,” Edward said through his teeth. “You don’t have to do that.” 

 Jane looked up, sudden humor in her usually dead eyes. “Oh, I know,” she said to Edward, grinning at him before she turned back to the young vampire, Bree. (Eclipse, page 333)

Even if the execution can be justified, the torture cannot. Jane abuses her power because she can, and there’s nothing the Cullens can do about it.

Then you have the fact that Bree had overheard a conversation between Jane and Victoria in which Jane gave Victoria explicit permission to take out the Cullens on the Volturi’s behalf. Bree replays this for Edward to hear before she dies, validating every paranoia he ever had about the Volturi. Just because he didn’t tell Bella, doesn’t mean he didn’t tell his family. He certainly would have told Carlisle and Alice.

Over the course of Eclipse, Carlisle sees the Volturi neglect to enforce their own law because culling his coven is a higher priority to them, torture and execute a mostly innocent vampire, and then he finds out that they made a deal with Victoria.

Not only would he be massively disillusioned by the Volturi, but by Aro himself. The man he met in Volterra was a lover of the arts and the academics and spoke of justice among vampires, and then Carlisle gets to experience first hand just what kind of justice this is. Aro was not the person he thought he was, and their old friendship doesn’t count for much either.

Look then to Breaking Dawn, where Carlisle has a vampiric child, but not an immortal one. Like Bree, he is innocent in all the ways that counted. This did not help Bree, and given the events of Eclipse (and remember only six months have passed), it won’t help him either. The Volturi have made it clear that they want to take out his coven, and whether or not the Cullens are actually innocent won’t matter.

The only way he can hope to slow them down, to force some kind accountability upon the Volturi (an accountability that might have preserved Bree’s life: she died because Jane had none), is to have there be witnesses to their trial.

And we get the clusterfuck called Breaking Dawn (or as I like to call it, Aro and Carlisle Break Up).

Relevant meta.

Edit 16th of April: Aro’s side of things

invisible string - cale makar

a/n: another old fic rewritten for our fav defenseman sorry the gif I found is so large I could not find any horizontal ones I liked that fit my aesthetic rip

word count: 3.6k

warnings: alcohol, very brief mentions of blood/injury

summary: based on taylor swift’s invisible string

-

You were going to miss this park.

Every Saturday afternoon you come here. Most of the time, you spent your day underneath the large oak tree planted in the center of the park, nose deep in whatever book you were currently reading. This month’s choice was I’ll Give You The Sun. Occasionally, you would do homework or take a nap, but your favorite thing to do was read. This oak tree was your favorite spot in all of Calgary, and you were really going to miss it.

After five years in Calgary, you were finally moving back home to Denver. Your family moved around a lot as your dad was transferred frequently, but your true home was Denver. You hadn’t been back there since you were six, but it was still home.

Calgary was always temporary. You knew eventually you’d pack up and leave, your parents dragging you along with them because you were only sixteen and had no choice, but it got exhausting after a while. You just wanted to stay somewhere.

Even though you knew your time in Calgary was limited, it didn’t stop you from falling in love with the city.

On the Saturdays that you spent tucked away underneath the tree, you always let your mind wander into daydreams of meeting someone there. You dreamed of being swept away in a whirlwind of a romance, and it all started with meeting someone at the park. All your daydreams could probably be tied back to the numerous romances you continuously read or due to the fact you longed for a teenage love, but what could you say? You were a hopeless romantic. Maybe it would be someone walking their dog or an afternoon jogger running into you or a lost tourist asking for directions. Either way, you thought it would be the most romantic meet-cute, under your special tree.

Five years passed, though, and your dreams of meeting someone dwindled until the only reasons you went to the park were purely for peace and quiet. Now, you were spending your last day in Calgary in your favorite spot, soaking up the sunshine as you finished your latest book.

On the last page, five paragraphs from being done, you heard a loud scream.

Your head snapped up, concentration broken as you searched around for the origin of the noise. Lo and behold, off in the distance, you saw the form of a boy rollerblading down the bike trail. There must have been some sticks or rocks on the path because the boy kept shouting as he wailed his arms around, unable to stop.

You watched as he continued stumbling for a few seconds before he careened off the trail and into the grass, tumbling onto the ground before rolling into a nearby tree.

Initially, your jaw dropped in shock, a soft gasp escaping as you covered your mouth with your hand. You waited a few seconds, watching for movement, and then you heard the pained groans coming from the injured boy.

The boy gradually pushed himself up by his hands, and you could see the bloody scrapes on his forearms even from your distance away. He slowly got back up on his feet, limping across the grass as he made his way back to the trail.

Not being able to help yourself, you began laughing at his misfortune. Now that you knew he was okay, the screaming and fall replayed in your mind, and you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation.

You thought you were far enough away that he wouldn’t be able to hear you, but you were sadly mistaken. The boy’s head turned to the sound of your laughter, and he followed it until his eyes met yours. You stopped laughing, but the smile on your face refused to fall as you took in his disheveled state.

He watched you try to hide your amused smile to no avail. It only took a few seconds of chuckling while directly staring at him before he returned your smile with one of his own. You saw a flash of teeth and the corner of his lips pulled into a smirk. He gave you one last glance, shaking his head slightly before turning back towards the direction he’d come from. You watched his figure rollerblade back down the path, avoiding the obstructions this time, and disappear from your vision.

The boy rollerbladed to the park the next Saturday. He skated by the same spot where he fell last week and glanced over to the centered oak tree, hoping to see you again, but you were nowhere to be found.

-

Cale couldn’t sleep. It seemed like no matter what he did, he just couldn’t fall asleep. The team had put him in a hotel for a few weeks while they worked on finding him a more permanent residence, but despite the comfort of the hotel bed, he didn’t find the mattress agreeable.

He’d been in Denver for two weeks now and he’d yet to see anything in the city besides the arena. His days were full of hockey practices and meetings, and his evenings were full of extra training at the gym. The latter was his own personal choice; he didn’t want to squander his chance at playing in the NHL and felt that he needed to train a little harder, being new and all.

He tossed and turned in bed for two hours before finally giving up. Sleep obviously wasn’t going to come to him soon, so he might as well kill some time instead.

Pulling out his phone, Cale searched ‘diners near me’ into Google and scrolled through the list of options. He selected the one nearest to him that was also open twenty-four hours, entered the address into maps, threw on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and was out of the door within three minutes.

The chilly, brisk walk to the diner took ten minutes from the hotel. Cale hadn’t been in Denver long, but he knew the weather was going to agree with him, if only because he had so much experience with the bitter cold Calgary winters.

A bell dinged above his head as he entered through the front door. Cale glanced around the small diner, noticing a few old truckers at the counter, a young teenage couple near the window, and a girl his age tucked away into a corner booth writing into a notebook.

A middle-aged woman with graying hair approached him at the front, a menu in her hand.

“Just one?” She asked him, noticing his lost puppy look. Cale nodded his head in agreement, following the lady to a secluded booth.

She set down the menu in front of him before pulling out a mug to pour him a cup of coffee.

“New around here?” She asked him as his eyes read the menu slowly.

“Is it that obvious?” He replied with an awkward chuckle.

“We usually have a small group of regulars. Your ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look is a dead giveaway,” she said with a warm smile. “I’ll give you a few minutes to decide.”

The woman walked back behind the counter, serving more coffee to the truckers. He saw one cook in the back kitchen ,but other than those two, no one else was working. Probably because it was a little past two in the morning on a Wednesday.

He took his time reading over the menu; he couldn’t decide if he wanted a breakfast platter or a nice burger with fries. He’d narrowed it down to two options when he saw you shuffle out of the corner booth, backpack slung over your shoulders.

You walked his way, the only path to the front door was past his table. His eyes connected with yours, and you gave him a warm smile.

Pausing next to his booth, he watched you as you leaned over his shoulder.

“If you’ve never been here before, I highly recommend the caramel and cream cheese French toast. It’s not on the menu, but they’ll make it anyway if you ask. Oh, and get tater tots instead of the hashbrowns, they’re a lot better,” you suggested.

You flashed him a bright smile, and Cale’s eyes lit up. It felt like he’d seen that smile before, an old memory from a dream that he couldn’t quite remember. He wanted to say thank you or maybe ask what your name was, but you continued on your way out the door before he got a chance to reply. His gaze stayed fixed on the swinging bell above the entrance long after he’d watched you turn down the corner and fade into the night.

His trance was broken when he heard the voice of the waitress call out to him.

“So, did you decide on something?” She asked, a knowing grin on her lips.

The two choices Cale was torn between suddenly vanished from his mind; he couldn’t even remember what he wanted to order before you said something. Cale bit his lip and thought about it. French toast really wasn’t on his diet. All he could do was hope that the extra hours he spent in the hotel gym would pay off and negate the sugar-filled and fatty calories he was about to consume.

Closing the menu without a second glance, he turned his attention towards the waitress. “Yeah, I’ll have the caramel and cream cheese french toast with tater tots, please.”

-

Cale was riding high. The team had just made it to the Stanley Cup finals, and no one could contain their excitement.

Going against the advice of their coaches, a few of them had decided to go out to celebrate. It was nothing big, just a small dive bar on the edge of the city. They wanted to celebrate their hard work, not get so trashed they’d be completely useless for practice tomorrow. They still had their toughest games ahead of them.

The bar was quiet, only a few local patrons were there besides the team. If anyone knew who they were, no one approached them about it. The night passed quickly, laughter and cheers filling the small space as pints of beer were drained.

“Makar, grab the next round,” his captain ordered, and he was too happy to do so. Cale was the resident golden retriever on the team. Someone would say ‘jump’ and Cale would ask ‘how high?’ but he didn’t feel used. He loved being a part of a team. So, he made his way across the room to the bar and ordered two more pints.

For you, it had been a hell of a week. And not in a good way. You finished your Bachelor’s degree almost two weeks ago, but the stress didn’t end when you turned in your last finals. Work was awful, but you still had another couple months until you began your life as a real career woman. You were stuck there for the rest of the summer, promising your supervisor that you wouldn’t leave during their busiest season just because you’d graduated even though you really wanted to put in your two weeks. It was a mistake to make that promise.

After spending a day running numbers and creating spreadsheets that a ten year old could’ve done, all you wanted right now was a drink: the strongest drink you could think of. Perhaps an entire bottle of whiskey if they’d allow it. Or if you could afford it.

The minute after your shift was over, you were out the door and removing the suffocating blazer before you’d even hit the sidewalk. You began the familiar route to your favorite bar, being that it was close to work, cheap, and almost always empty.

When you entered the small bar, you noticed it was slightly busier than normal. Still relatively quiet, but busier than you were used to. You didn’t let it deter you as you walked directly to the bar.

However, it seemed the universe wasn’t done punishing you because when you were five steps away from the countertop, someone turned around abruptly. A hard body slammed into yours along with half a pint of beer.

“Oh, fuck me!” You exclaimed in distress, throwing your hands up as the beer splashed all over your blouse.

“Shit, I’m so sorry!” The culprit said, setting the beers back on the bar behind him. He reached over to grab a handful of napkins and then began patting furiously at your top.

“It’s fine,” you sighed, “Today just really isn’t my day.” You took the napkins from one of his hands to dry yourself off.

You looked up to face the man who’d drenched you with cheap beer, and you were met with a dazzling pair of blue eyes. They looked familiar, as if you’d seen him before but couldn’t remember where.

He caught your stare, his lips quirking into a smile at the sight of you. Cale felt a tug inside him, like the feeling of butterflies, when he saw your face. Waves of coolness washed over him, and he was lost in your eyes.

“I’m sorry I ruined your shirt,” he said in a daze, unable to look away from you. He really hoped it didn’t come off as creepy, but little did he know you felt the same way.

“It’s okay, I wasn’t attached to it anyway,” you said, all your previous anger leaving your body. It was actually one of your nicer tops that would cost way too much money to dry clean now, but you weren’t thinking about that.

“Do I know you?” You both asked at the same time. The coincidence caused you two to burst out laughing, and he swore he’d heard that laugh before.

“How about I buy you a drink to make up for this?” He asked, beaming from ear to ear.

Your eyes twinkled as you nodded your head, and Cale felt his heart burst at your smile.

-

A year passed in a blurry haze. The night out at the bar turned into a two hour conversation with the stranger who’d spilled beer all over you. He apologized profusely the entire night and introduced himself to make up for it. He only ordered you two drinks, but you spent hours together laughing.

You told him about your hellish day and complained about work, and he recalled the wins and upcoming games he had in the next couple weeks. Soon, you were exchanging life stories and you found out he was originally from Calgary. You discussed your hobbies and interests outside of work, the best movies you’ve seen recently, and where in Denver you could find the most authentic Mexican food.

Eventually, it neared one in the morning, and Cale had to get home for practice in the morning. As much as he wanted to stay longer to talk to you, he knew he had to get going before his teammates ratted him out tomorrow.

“Do you mind if I walk you home?” He asked, the drinks between you finished long ago. It sounded a little odd asking a stranger he just met if he could essentially follow her home, but he hoped he didn’t give off stalker vibes.

“I’d like that,” you replied with a smile. It sounded a little odd agreeing to let a stranger you just met have your address, but something tugged at your heartstrings and told you to take the leap.

When he dropped you off outside of your apartment, he had asked for your number. That night turned into a first date and that first date turned into many dates. Cale easily swept you off your feet, and it was even easier to fall in love with him.

After years of dating the wrong guys, of being burned and cheated on and lied to, the world had sent you the perfect man. A man with a soul equivalent to a thousand beaming rays of sunshine all wrapped up in perfect blonde hair and blue eyes and rosy cheeks.

He did everything for you. He sent you flowers randomly, surprised you with your favorite takeout, and took you on the most extravagant dates. You went to his games, house sat his plants when he was on roadtrips, and left him little notes in his suitcases to find when he was away. You knew within two months of dating that he was the one you were going to end up with. Cale was your forever.

There were no awkward phases in your dating life, no uncertainties or questions about what you were as a couple. Cale was as taken with you as you were with him, and you both knew what you wanted out of your relationship. It felt like you knew each other for years, like he’d always been there in the back of your mind, just out of reach and waiting for you to find him.

You didn’t know how much you believed in fate, but it felt like the universe made him specifically for you. He understood you like no one did and you could communicate with him without ever saying a word. If soulmates and other halves did exist, there was no doubt in your mind that Cale was your missing piece.

It was a year after you began dating that Cale invited you back home with him. He wanted you to spend a few weeks over the summer with him and his family in Calgary.

Cale was elated to introduce you to his family. He planned on marrying you one day, and he wanted everyone to meet the woman who’d stolen his heart. Everything about you consumed him: your hair, your eyes, your smile. There wasn’t a single part of you he wasn’t madly in love with and there was nothing about you he’d change. It was a long time coming, you going home with him, and you couldn’t be more excited about it.

He spent the first few days showing you around his favorite childhood hangouts, the rinks he used to skate on and the pizza places he used to frequent with his friends. He showed you his high school, secret hidden spot near a small lake, and the best ice cream shop in all of Calgary.

It was one day when you were walking through the old park you used to read where you shared your favorite spot.

“When I lived here, I used to spend every weekend under that oak tree,” you said randomly, pointing out to the large tree across the grass.

“Really? I used to rollerblade through this park sometimes. One day I completely ate shit on this path,” he chuckled, remembering the painful memory. “I sprained my wrist and arm. Couldn’t play hockey for three weeks.”

“How old were you?” You asked curiously, thinking back to the day you saw a boy fall.

“Sixteen, maybe?” He replied, brows furrowing in thought. You and Cale were the same age.

“This might sound crazy, but I think I saw you fall that day,” you said. Cale turned to look into your eyes.

“Were you the girl laughing at me under the tree?” He asked skeptically. The blush forming on your cheeks and the way you broke eye contact answered the question for you.

“It was you! I always thought it was rude how you didn’t offer to help me,” he said with a hearty laugh.

“To be fair, I was worried when you fell down. But then you got up and seemed okay, so I didn’t bother,” you said defensively.

“Still, you sat there and laughed at me while I bled on the grass,” he teased, slugging your arm lightly.

“Well, it seems that everything turned out okay for you,” you said, rolling your eyes dramatically.

“Yeah, it did,” he replied wistfully, reaching down to hold your hand with his.

The two of you walked through the rest of the park, but your gaze kept flickering back to the center field where your tree sat, your brain replaying the daydreams you had about meeting your true love underneath that tree. A nostalgic smile spread across your face, and Cale noticed your suddenly cheery mood.

“What are you smiling about?” He asked, a playful grin of his own appearing. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw you smile.

“Nothing,” you replied, keeping the tender secret to yourself.

+1

Three years later, Cale took you home with him over the short winter break he got while the All-Star Game happened. You walked through the park together, a tradition that you created ever since that first summer back.

The air was cool and crisp, the skies a beautiful shade of purple and pink against the blue background. He led you over to your favorite tree, pulling you from the usual path you took around the park. In all the times you’ve been to the park with him, you’d never actually taken him to sit under your tree.

You felt butterflies erupt in your stomach at the feeling of being in your favorite spot with your favorite person. Your heart rate began to pick up as Cale dropped your hand to stand across from you, giving you a knowing smile.

When he took a step back, you felt the tears begin to well up in your eyes as if your heart knew where this was heading before your brain could process it. Cale lowered himself onto one knee before he pulled out a small velvet box from his coat pocket, opening it to reveal a diamond ring.

The fantasies you created in your mind all those years ago finally came to fruition that snowy day in January. All along you knew that one day you’d meet the love of your life under this tree even if you hadn’t realized it at the time, and you thanked whatever gods existed for the invisible strings that tied you to Cale.

fgo criticisms have been flaring up in the wake of dw’s sakura wars mobile game quitting after only half a year but I have a disease that makes me get defensive when people try to rip fgo apart as this uniquely terrible game with uniquely terrible devs so i’m going to complain about people who are complaining for a bit.

i hadn’t heard of the sakura wars game before it shut down but from what i’ve been able to find it suffered from a lot of the same problems as (launch) fgo, terrible gacha rates with no pity, slow ap recovery rates, barebones repetitive gameplay. so i guess seeing how fast sakura wars was shut down people feel like it’s only the fate name holding up fgo and in the early launch days of barely playable fgo that was definitely the case but I don’t think it’s fair to fgo to act like people only continue to play it because it’s fate, and “being like fgo” wasn’t the only problem with sakura wars either. sakura wars is a vn/dating sim series that attempted to revive the series with a mobile game that featured none of the original cast that fans cared about while fate was already a series with new characters and a new setting every instalment and the thing that stood out in this new game was actually that it DID have characters from previous fates available. hell, it’s not fair to sakura wars to claim that its series name is simply weaker than fate’s when there were other factors involved in its failure beyond “being a delightworks game”

fgo DOES improve, launch fgo is unrecognisable compared to current fgo in a good way. events have become more streamlined (events have mid- to lategame enemy hp scaling but feature damage ce’s to let newer players keep up, mission events are set up so that they basically clear themselves just by farming the most recently unlocked node), they experiment with new game modes and gameplay mechanics on the regular, they’re taking more care to make viable permanent servants and buff the older ones, and the past few months there’s also been a noticeable effort to throw out random banners for minor things as an excuse to rerun old limited servants more often. I’ll admit the bar is on the low side (strengthening quests are a ridiculous model, there shouldn’t be this many limiteds to need reruns in the first place, etc) and progress is slower than many people are willing to put up with, and I’m not saying anyone Has to put up with it or they’re a fake fan or whatever, but like, granblue fantasy is seven years old and still doesn’t have the ability to uncap a weapon multiple stages at a time when its entire gameplay loop centers around farming and uncapping weapons and they’ve buffed heles like 7 times but she’s still shit, none of fgo’s problems are exclusive to fgo.

i LIKE playing fgo. i like tapping the cards and watching my little guys go and coming up with different teams to make them go harder or just look good together or even lean into the Themes. and this is going a little bit on a tangent but i have this post window open anyway i was talking with friends earlier that one problem that a lot of mobile games seem to have is that they use “making the game play itself” as substitute for “making the game fun to play”. the only game with autobattle functionality (out of the ones I play, i don’t know everything that’s out there of course) that I feel DOESN’T do this is arknights, where you solve the puzzle that the stage presents in order to earn the right to not have to solve the puzzle every single time you play the stage and coming up with different efficient or perhaps ridiculous ways to solve the puzzle is part of playing the game. the worst case I know is dragalia lost which upon realizing that playing it sucks implemented an item to just let you skip playing stages altogether. “this game is good because you don’t have to play it” is not the selling point some people (and devs) think it is, and fgo refuses to fall into that trap - something I believe is an intentional decision because of their explicit refusal to implement NP skip.

one big advantage that fgo has over the other mobile games i’ve played is that it’s entirely turn based with no real time elements beyond start and end times of events. fgo doesn’t NEED to continue playing itself when you look away because looking away has no bearing whatsoever on your ability to clear the quest, fgo doesn’t give a shit if you look away for six hours and then close the game and only reopen it another ten hours later, you can continue right where you left off. the problem is not that you have to manually play the quest, because as far as the system is concerned you can take as much time as you like to clear that quest, it’s that the greater structure of the game wants you to repeatedly manually clear the same low-stakes quest for disproportionately small rewards. this one’s easy enough to solve by just increasing material droprates across the board. repeat clearing a low level quest is much less frustrating if you actually get drops every other clear.

but that’s a bandaid solution, because related to the issue of having to manually farm low-stakes quests is the lack of high-stakes quests to do when you want to do something a little more engaging than routine farming. outside of event challenge quests with their time limited availability, certain main story chapters that you can’t replay, and recently on JP the permanently available kiara challenge quest in the main interlude, there simply isn’t any difficult content to play. you could argue about fgo’s merit as strategy rpg in the first place i suppose but if you ask me it does have that merit and there is a clear effort from dw’s part to improve the depth of fgo’s strategy elements, the issue is that there is simply not that much content available to unleash those strategies on. of course you’re gonna get bored if all there is to do is either brainlessly repeat the same quest for minimal rewards or play the specific challenge quest that the game hands you right this moment regardless of whether that’s the kind of challenge you feel like facing right now. the solution to this one, although it’s likely going to take some significant effort on dw’s side to implement, is to make main story quests replayable.

you want to flex your brain muscles but there’s no challenge event right now? you stomped on a boss by using overpowered servants the first time but want to challenge yourself with some 3* this time? or the other way around, you beat a boss by the skin of your teeth the first time but want to stomp all over them now that you rolled some bitching 5*? you rolled a servant that’s not that suitable for day to day farming but would really shine in more difficult content and you want to try them out? you have a silly strategy in mind that would only work against certain story enemies? you’re like me and just really crave the shimosa duels? all of this involves content that already exists and is available in the game, dw would just have to figure out a way to let you access it again after clearing the chapter. and of course ideally this extends to event story quests once they’re added to the main interlude

i guess another way to put it is that i think the reason a lot of people say fgo has bad gameplay is not that its gameplay system is actually bad, in fact it has the potential to be very engaging, but rather that it’s a system that is set up to respect your time through the ability to put down the game absolutely whenever you want without being penalised, only for the game around it to go and penalise you for putting it down anyway. if you don’t diligently spend all your ap farming this quest you won’t get single damn material drop, and if you don’t play the event while it‘s happening you’re going to miss out because you can’t be sure when if ever it’ll return. so the number one way to solve the problem of fgo’s “bad gameplay” is not to make the game play itself whenever it tells you to play, but rather to make content more easily available so you don’t have to play if you don’t want to and CAN play if you do want to. thank you for coming to my ted talk i suppose

🌰Chestnuts and Warm Milk🍂

My List of ~Favorites~ for Interactive Fiction and Visual Novels

(This is a work in progress so please bear with me)

Interactive Fiction:

The Wayhaven Chronicles (WIP Series in Development) - @seraphinitegames  (Look,,, I’m just... obsessed.. I can’t stop thinking abt it,,, and I'm..... sometimes, I read and I think I feel like I know what love is.)

Mind Blind (WIP) - @mindblindbard (I just,, UGH it’s so good. I can't even say that much because my feelings about it are so potent that everytime I see an update I try to tell myself to leave it alone to play larger portions of updates as a treat and everytime my willpower FAILS and I replay the demo like twice in a row)

Demon: Recollect ; Forsaken (WIP) - both by @bathalafiction (whew...WHEW!!! Are you kidding me?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Look. I was attached to Demon: Recollect. I loved it. And then I played the Forsaken WIP and now I can't get over my absolutely BOMB character design for my player persona. Also it's kind of fun being considered a jerk in the game, because it opens up a lot of different options that I usually feel bad about taking)

Shadow Society - @carawenfiction (the concept is so interesting,, I dream of more. Also Quaiel...baby...)

The Soul Stone War - @intimidatingpuffinstudios (also whew!! I really enjoyed it and the characters all picture themselves really vividly in my mind for some reason.)

Greenwarden (WIP) - @fiddles-ifs (reading this is like thick fog.. but in a good way? I don't know how to describe it without pictures but this IF smells like fog over wet grass)

Divine Intervention (WIP) - @divineinterventiongame (the concept?? UGH SO GOOD. For some reason it's always the first game I click to check for updates)

Golden (WIP) - @milaswriting (😈😈😈😈)

Blood/line (WIP) - @bloodlineoffical (simply put,,, LARRY)

Supernatural in New York ; The Bastard of Camelot (both WIPs) - @llamagirl28  (UGH Both of these are so good in their own ways but equally as exciting to see updates for. I haven't consolidated my feelings much further than "my MC for SiNY is so cute" and "Mordred is a child" but they're all generally positive.)

Ace of Spades (WIP) - @steph-writing (I keep thinking about,,, con........)

Nevermoore (WIP) - @asteristories (AHHHHH.... let me say it again for those in the back: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Son of Satan: The Mortal Coil (WIP) - @sosthemortalcoil (YES.)

Shepherds of Haven (WIP) - @shepherds-of-haven (yes. I just have to sigh because it's very good and I like saying those funny little words of power. But also outside of the game I can only picture this game as a great, grey border collie)

Attollo (WIP) - @attollo (Also a very interesting concept, whoo... I almost forgot how immersive it was untill I played the demo again and was reminded of how 'into it' I was straight off the bat. Also the seperate, short little piece on the blog with Sysba was also really good and I had a dream about it the other day)

Into the Shadows (WIP) - @wynnakang​ (whooo.... I'm sighing again, but louder. I press restart and play the demo again)

A Comedy of Manors (WIP) - @sviyaginthegreat (I kept replaying options that I hadn't chosen before because I wanted there to be more lmao)

Fallen Hero: Rebirth - @fallen-hero (I think there's a sequel coming up? I haven't stopped thinking about this storyline since I finished it omg... the.. the details are really good and I've become ridiculously attached to my tragic villain? Character... she IS the standard for my reusable IF persona, or at least one of my most prominent ones ;-D )

Samurai of Hyuga (WIP series) - (I'm pretty sure multiplechoicestudios.com is the development blog for this game, or at least what I've been checking for updates..... this is a series with four book currently out.... and I've been playing through book 4 at slower than a snail's pace in a desperate attempt to prolong my experience. I really didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did but I got a little too into it and now I'm horribly attached to all the characters)

The Porthecrawl Witness(WIP) - @porthecrawl-witness (I'm pretty sure this is a WIP?? But ugh. SCREEEEEE- it's so good. It's SO GOOD. I really want to punch Talbot in the face. And Asher, if for a different reason. And sort of Staci just to try. Quinn is just a cutie I could never hurt him like that. Ugh but they're all so good and I forgot that I was reading a WIP untill it suddenly was over..... I'mfeeling really aggressive rn as I'm writing this, so please just note that the punch comment is meant as a statement on how interesting the concept and immersiveness of the characters and story is)

Forgotten Names (WIP) - by Alexandra_Zorila on the CoG Forum (turn the volume up. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Look, look. It's..... delicious. It's SO interesting and I obsessively have a tab open on my computer to check for updates)

OFNA: Birds of a Feather (WIP) - @ofna (the vibes are so grey and smoky but the fog is definitely from a party smoke machine and the room is only dark because the walls are taped with those huge sheets of black construction paper that teachers use to cover their bulletin boards with... the game definitely falls in the 'dark and mysterious' genre but something just strikes me as really funny when I play it. Anyway it's good and it's in a lot if recommended lists for a reason. Also I'm very attached to my American Goldfinch)

More Things in Heaven and Earth (WIP) - @morethingsgame (in the same way that it's fun to play Guenevere in the Guenevere game or Mordred in The Bastard of Camelot, playing Ophelia in the sort-of Hamlet story is really fun. If anyone has read the Missing collection- which I absolutely love- by Margaret Peterson Haddix, this gives me similar vibes for some reason. Anyway, I really want to give Hamlet a hug and make him a flower crown or something)

A Tale of Crowns (WIP) - @ataleofcrowns (It's kind of not even funny how much I love this game... It's hard to even describe why I like it, just that it's so well rounded in terms of the story, characters, dialogue, and relationships. It's such an interesting plotline and it's pretty immersive. Also the first time I read the demo, there was an update as I was reading and the high that sent me on has very rarely been matched. Also Dara running to save my Crown in the tunnel?? 🤚😩🤭💓 ugh. UGH!! That's good food for my fool heart)

Scout: An Apocalypse Story (WIP)- @anya-dev (I'm usually not that into apocalypse themes/plots but I really enjoyed this game, and the plot was very good and intruiging... it really pulled me in and I like my character in the story a lot. I don't know why but it tastes like chikuwa, atsuage, and this specific type of carmelized onions that my mom makes sometimes)

Nothing left to burn (WIP)- @clowdee-works (......ouch. I *knew* what was going to happen and I STILL became attached to Drew)

Smoke and Velvet - @roast-ifs (It's good. And I am VEDY much into my character design. Also the story is really interesting, and I enjoy the setting a lot somehow)

Speaker (WIP)- @speakergame (very fun to play, and each update gets me more interested in the aspects of the plot. I also really like the little descriptions of what the characters think of the player)

The Nameless (WIP)- @parkerlyn (interesting plot, I like the characters a lot, and The aesthetics of this world are so interesting. Definitely had a good time visualizing what everything looked like)

Fields of Asphodel (WIP) - @asphodelgame (I think it's really cute so far!!! I like mythology in general, and the persephone/hades dynamic is *mwah!*... I like the way the story progresses in the beginning, and I think it works well in drawing the reader into the world. I also very much enjoy petting large dogs.)

...there are so much more.. and I have followed so many blogs.........

I'm not sure why I can't find it rn but there's this one WIP game that I really like where the MC buys a manor for like dollar and moves to go live there with her best friend and shenanigans ensue as they try to settle in and fix up the estate

Harbringer (WIP) - @harbringercog (....are you KIDDING me?? I was fully planning on just enjoying the demo and keeping a mental note to update the list sometime later,,, but this game... THIS GAME really made me fold. It's very immersive and regardless of how nervous the author claims to be after releasing the demo, it's of my humble opinion that those nerves can be calmed. It's very good. I was planning on procrastinating and reading a little bit and then going back to this essay I need to write, but somehow I got pulled in and ended up reading through the whole demo and it's apparent that I honestly had no chance of getting through this without becoming invested in the plot.... just... so good.. I'm very excited to see how this will progress)

Visual Novels:

Andromeda 6 (WIP) - @andromeda-six​  (I repeat: Obsessed, I come back every few months to see an update and I fall deeper into the hole every time...)

To the Edge of the Sky (WIP,, probably) - by Ajané (??) on Steam (I think, it’s been a while)

Next on my list to check out: Perfumare by pdrrook

Does.... does The Arcana game by Nix Hydra count as VN?? If so, then yes.

Similarly, the FictIF games are all entertaining, although Last Legacy and Heir to Love and Lies are my favorites rn (and.....unfinished....)

I also don't know if this counts, because I kind of consider Otome games to be their own genre, but on the Love 365: find your story by Voltage Inc. There are a bunch of fun stories, my favorite of which are: the Shinichi Kagari route on After School Affairs and the Saejima and Keiichiro routes on Bad Boys do it Better

..To be continued...

Memories

Kai Parker x Female Reader/Character

Word Count: 1918

Warnings: typical tvd themes, S.Assault hints, crying, soft kai, a lil boob touching, Stephan drives her off a bridge

Summary: She finds out the real story of what happened to her after a near-death experience. Kai agrees to comfort her in her own way.

(I wrote this with “she/her” instead of “V” because this is the last part I’ll be writing as a series, the rest will be written as one shot’s with she/her pronouns because if I continue to work on the series it’ll become an entire novel. So instead of writing a novel, I’ll just write the big plot points as one shots after this)

Another couple of weeks had passed since their ritual. Almost every day that would pass, they would go out and look for answers for what they saw and would come up empty handed.

One day they finally found something that could lead them to another lead for answers – an ancient necklace that was owned by a witch in her distant bloodline that could allow her to connect with the original owner. The only problem was that the necklace was worn religiously around Elena’s neck as a gift from Stephan.

That wasn’t really a problem for her. She didn’t really like Elena much, and Elena didn’t like her, but it wasn’t hard to get close enough to grab it since they both hung out with the same people.

That’s exactly what she did. She kept it with her for a week, waiting for a specific celestial event to happen for the spell all while dodging calls from Stephan and Elena accusing her of taking it.

She took to the woods by herself on the night before the celestial event to find the perfect spot under the moon to preform it. Just as she was about to make her way off the trail she was struck by a tranquilizing dart in her neck, knocking her out cold.

She woke up in the passenger seat of Stephan’s car, “oh, good, you’re up,” he said shutting his phone off.

Her vision was blurry, but she knew who it was and was annoyed to say the least.

“Have you seen Elena’s necklace?” He asked as if he already knew.

She blinked to focus her vision, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she rubbed her eyes.

Stephan leaned in, “here’s what’s gonna happen… you’re either going to tell me where it is, hand it over, or I’m going to hold you here until you do.”

“You’re really about to do all this for a damn necklace?” she asked, still very annoyed.

They went back and forth for a while about how it’s “Elena’s necklace,” and how crazy Stephan was to host a hostage situation over it before he turned the car on, “ok, you don’t wanna tell me where it is, fine,” he slammed on the gas, “you’ve been a cosmic pain in everyone’s ass since you showed up in Mystic Falls by the way. We’re trying to rid the town of chaos and mischief and here you come…”

Stephan was driving at what seemed to be over 100 miles an hour with a crazy look in his eye, “so nobody wants to tell me where it is, I’ll drive you off the bridge and find it myself,” he spat.

“You’re bluffing. You wouldn’t drive someone off a bridge over a damn necklace, Stephan, plus if I do have it, you’d be losing your chance to get it back if you do,” she said unphased by his threat.

“That’s only if nobody wants to tell me. It’s really no sweat off my back if you live or die but… hey maybe Kai knows where it is,” he said as if he had just thought of the most iconic solution and dialed Kai’s phone.

As they approached the bridge, she began to take his threat more seriously. All she heard was muffled noises as adrenaline of being driven off a bridge kicked in.

She yelled panicked knowing Kai was on the phone, “Kai just tell him where the stupid necklace is he’s gonna drive me off the bridge.”

“Too late,” Stephan muttered with a smirk as the car flew into the water after he jumped out.

She tried to roll her window down before the car hit the water and was fully submerged, but Stephan had the window locks on, so she had to crawl over to the driver’s side to roll it down, throwing her against the wind shield and knocking her unconscious again as she got the window halfway down.

Just like the time she held her breath and an unknown entity came over her when she rescued Enzo, the same thing happened here. While she was unconscious the car fully submerged into the water for minutes until the entity awoke her and struggled to break the window open through the slowness of the water.

She remembered none of this. She awoke on the rocks only remembering being driven off the bridge and a replay of the things that had happened to her that Kai made her forget.

She sat there coughing up water and trying to catch her breath as the replays engrained themselves deeper. She knew she couldn’t deal with it right now though, she needed to get back to the motel for the necklace, so she started walking her way back to the road.

She walked expressionless until Kai drove up beside her and got out,

“What happened,” he asked throwing his hands up as he walked towards her.

“I don’t know, Stephan threw a fit about the necklace and thought it was reasonable to drive me and his car off the bridge,” she said silent and expressionless, darting her eyes not to look into Kai’s.

Kai looked at her, realizing that for the first time in probably forever, he was pissed about something because it had happened to somebody he cares about, but he still didn’t know what to say other than, “well, are you okay,” silently kicking himself for asking after he realized how big what happened was compared to the question he asked.

“Yeah, I just wanna get back,” she mumbled and went to open the door, but Kai grabbed it quicker.

She was silent the whole way back, something that was unusual for her normally.

They drove into the parking lot of their motel and Kai stopped her before she could open the door by grabbing her arm, “hey, are you good,” he asked, “you didn’t say anything the entire way back and you love to talk.”

She was still expressionless, “I’m good, I just need a minute,” her voice was almost robotic.

“Talk to me…” Kai tried to speak but was cut off.

“I’m about to freak out, and it’s not gonna be cute,” she spoke with a little more seriousness to her robotic tone, “so just give me a minute,” she began to walk towards their room.

He had never seen her like this before. They would usually make jokes the whole night whenever something that would typically be traumatic happened, but this time she seemed as though she was here physically but elsewhere mentally.

She made a beeline to the bathroom before Kai called out “let me know if I can do any—” she shut the door, “—thing.”

She stood at the sink and placed her hands on it to steady her balance as things began to look blurry and lightheaded. She tried rubbing her eyes to make the feeling go away but it kept getting stronger as her chest felt heavier, head felt heavier, and memories of that night months before screamed at her.

Kai leaned on the doorframe to hear what was going on but couldn’t hear anything.

She stood, taking deep breaths before it got increasingly harder to breath and gave into the onset hyperventilation and inevitable tears.

Kai knocked but she didn’t answer so he opened the door to find her with her hands in her hair, breathing fast, with a concerned expression.

She didn’t even hear him walk in at first until she felt a presence behind her as he went to touch her arm. She sat on her knees slowly before Kai could touch her, “Kai I can’t breathe,” he sat on his knees in front of her and put his hand on her head, unsure of what to say.

Grabbing his wrist to pull his hand into her lap, gripping it tightly she put her other hand on her chest and coughed, “I can’t breathe…. Why can’t I breathe…” she let the tears fall before placing her arms over her head and leaned forward until she was leaning against her elbows on the floor so she could catch her breath without having Kai see her cry.

Kai gripped her shoulders and pushed her up to look at him. She covered her mouth with one hand and squeezed her eyes tight, trying to return back to the position he moved her from before he stopped her by keeping his hands on her shoulders, “tell me what happened,” he spoke softly, gently removing the hand she had over her mouth.

“I remembered everything—” she sobbed harder and put her hand back over her mouth, leaning into Kai, “tell me it didn’t really happen,” she sobbed.

Kai knew what she was talking about now and pulled her to lean against the wall with her head on his chest as she sobbed more.

“Tell me I’m making stuff up, or that Stephan has sick humor, tell me someth—” she couldn’t finish her sentence before burying her face back into Kai.

He stared at the wall in front of him as if he could feel what she was feeling, “I can’t,” he whispered, causing her sobs to get louder,

“That couldn’t have happened… I wouldn’t have let that happen… it couldn’t have been me, maybe I just witnessed—”

He wrapped his arms tightly around her as she hid her face in her hands on his chest, “it did, V… I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you different… I’m sorry…” he had a look of remorse as she moved her hand to her scalp as if to cover her ears from what he was saying and placed his hand in her hair with her.

“I gave you different memories, I didn’t want you to remember but something must have triggered it earlier…” he spoke fast and buried his forehead onto the top of her head when she kept sobbing harder, “I should’ve been there…”

“What do you need me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it, anything… let me make it better,” he rubbed his hand on her back to comfort her, but she was too lost in her mind to notice, “you can’t make it better,” she cried.

He sat with her and let her cry until she couldn’t anymore before taking her to their bed.

She pulled his arm as she laid down or else, he wouldn’t have know if he should lay beside her or not. This whole situation was completely new to him, and he only wanted to make it better but had no idea how.

She laid on her side and pulled his arm around her for comfort.

Kai buried his face in her hair by her ear, “what can I do?” he asked again.

“Make me feel something else…” she teared up again.

“What do you mean?” he whispered and rubbed his hand on her upper arm.

“All I can feel is their hands on me and I cant get rid of it,” she choked up, “so maybe if I feel yours instead—” she placed her hand over her face to avoid crying again.

“shh… it’s okay,” Kai whispered surprisingly sweet and kissed her hair, “where do you want ‘em?”

She lifted herself up to place an arm under her neck, laying her head in the crease of his arm and slid the other to her chest.

She fell asleep as Kai gently rubbed from her chest to her stomach repeatedly, occasionally kissing her hair in between.

caught in the middle (2); m. barzal

PART 1 | PART 3 | PART 4 WARNINGS: language; there’s a suggestive scene in one of the flashbacks, but nothing more than that. WORD COUNT: 8.1k A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read the first part! Your feedback got me so excited to continue working on this, and I hope you’ll enjoy this part also. I’ve been thinking about the story so far and its development, and I don’t see it ending at three parts like originally intended, so let’s see how it goes. Again, sections in italics represent flashbacks.

You swipe a palm across the mirror, brushing some of the condensation away and heave a sigh at your reflection. From beyond the door, you can just barely make out the sound of footsteps across the parquet of the living room accompanied by what was undoubtedly the slide of suitcase wheels. The room is otherwise quiet, no television on or music to provide a distraction or perhaps a little more noise and now more than ever, you know what it means when they say silence can be deafening. It makes you feel more exposed, anxiety heightened as if you should do anything in your power to try and lighten the mood but you’ve had countless of experiences in which trying too hard rarely paid off - if ever, really. Mat hadn’t said much either aside from letting you know you could have the bed as the couch could be converted into one and there were spare pillows and covers stored neatly in one of the cupboards, so you simply thanked him then called dibs on being the first to shower. 

It isn’t running away, you remind yourself, head bowed. It’s buying some extra time. 

Not only is this the first time in months you are to be in Mat’s presence for longer than a few minutes, but this is also the first time you and Mat would spend the night separated by a wall when previously, you couldn’t seem to be able to get close enough to one another. Before this, enough wasn’t quite enough. Before this, you’d count the minutes to when you could get home and be with Mat. It’s strange to be so close to him, to need to be so close to him, and yet neither of you can find comfort in that any longer. 

You squeeze your eyes shut tightly until you see stars behind them, then open them a few seconds later and blink away the brief daze. Like a presenter about to walk on a stage in front of thousands, you take a deep breath and exhale it quickly before proceeding to replace the towel around your body with one of the hotel issued robes.

You crack the door open just a little, briefly taking a peek of Mat right as he begins wrestling with opening the couch. There’s more grunting and turning one way or the other to peek at the inner mechanisms than there is actually succeeding in stretching it out and you can’t help the feelings of guilt that course through you. But it’s not like you can imagine being in the same bed as him again and trying to check for any additional spare rooms with reception is entirely out of question. There’s no way you’d be able to do that without anyone catching on to that and questioning it. This isn’t the weekend for it, after all. The last thing you need is to take or share the limelight. 

Mat must’ve felt your presence because he turns to look at you over his shoulder, and he takes that as a cue to give himself a break from wrestling with the couch. He huffs tiredly, standing up and brushing his palms against his jeans.

“All yours,” you say, stepping away from the bathroom door, the clothes you wore on the drive over held closely against your chest. “No luck with that yet?” 

“I’ll have a look at it later,” Mat responds, frowning down at the couch.

He stands rooted to the spot looking down at it as if it offended him, hands on hips and all, while you look at him glued to your own space halfway between the bathroom and the door to the bedroom of the suite. In a manner you can’t quite explain, it feels almost as if time stops in place because of course, your luck is that bad apparently: heaven forbid it would’ve done that at a better time in your life. He appears to be lost in thought, so despite yourself, you make the most of this moment. 

You look at his profile and recall how many times you cradled his head in your hands, pulling him in to kiss him: his cheeks, his forehead, his mouth, lips trailing along the line of his jaw. You think of the countless times in which his lips pressed against yours and every inch on your body and recall how his voice emanated warmth and love, and during those moments, you thought nothing and no one would be able to tear you apart from each other. You look at his hair and if you truly take the time to focus, you can easily recall the texture of those strands, just the perfect length for your fingers to twirl and play with, and how you would often detect notes of vanilla, coconut and something flowery - you shampoo, because he loved it so much. Your eyes trail down the expanse of his torso and remember the countless times his body was pressed against your own and how each and every time you thought this is where I’m safest. You look at his hands and still feel the softness of them upon your own and even know, you can still picture the way your fingers interlocked with his own and they fit perfectly. 

A shortness of breath makes you cough quietly, eyes blinking rapidly at the sudden blurriness and before Mat can look your way, you quickly cover the distance to the room and the door latches closed behind you with a soft click. 

Palms pressed against your mouth to muffle any sounds, you squeeze your eyes as tightly as you can and slide down against the wood until you’re down on the floor and pray to whoever or whatever may be listening that Mat can’t hear the sobs you’re trying so hard to hold back despite this battle having been lost before you even had a chance to stand against it.

You know now as well as you knew it back then: you miss Mat and you love him, and you’re terrified that a time when all of these feelings will be nothing but dull memories will never come.

*

“Holy shit, that was cool.” 

Mat shifts his body, turning so that he can prop himself up on his forearms, one on each side of your body. You look down at him, fingers falling out from his hair and he arches an eyebrow.

“I can do that with my eyes closed,” he declares.

You blink, a little confused, and then it dawns on you. “Pff.” A short laugh leaves your mouth and that seems to prompt Mat to narrow his eyes at you. Two can play the game, and you’re a pro at keeping up with him. “I mean, you say you can but you didn’t score a goal like that yet, so what makes you so sure?” 

On TV, the commentators pour praise on the unique between-the-legs goal scored and you make an entire show out of admiring the replay, whistling quietly. Mat gently tips your head away from the TV and he continues holding on to your chin to prevent you from looking away a second time. 

“Mark my words, baby. I’ll do it at our next game and then you’ll see. It’ll be ten times cooler,” he promises, determination backing his every word and it makes you grin because you know Mat is a man of his word and you can already imagine him trying his damnest to make that happen. 

Still, you hum contemplatively, not quite wanting to give in to him so quickly. You know Mat’s playful display of ‘jealousy’ was nothing but a front. It was one of his many ways of saying look at me or give me attention, any variant of an indirect way of asking you to reiterate your love towards him simply because he loved hearing the reassurance. Not that you could imagine feeling any other way towards him; not that you’d want to have it any other way. That, and, well, Mat could be a bit of a baby sometimes. 

“Do that,” you begin, and this time, it’s your hand under his chin, encouraging him to come closer, closer, closer until his warm breath collides with your own, “and I’ll make your congratulations, you’re so cool award the most unforgettable one so far.” 

You know your words would put a gleam in his eyes, that unmistakable hitch of his breath and the curve of a smirk on his lips. He crawls a bit further up until he’s almost nose to nose with you and instinctively, you raise a leg and wrap it over his waist, squeezing a little. He’s close enough, practically glued to you, but it’s the first evening you get to have him all to yourself after weeks of away games and you want all of him. As does he. Mat leans down to peck your lips once, twice, three times and he whispers an ‘oh yeah?’ that makes goosebumps form across your skin. 

“Mhm,” you hum and this time, you crane your neck to kiss him, arms wrapping around his neck, fingers gently grazing along the back of his neck. He trembles ever so lightly in your hold and you know that has nothing to do with the temperature in the apartment because it’s warm, just right. “Do it for me, Mat. Show off.” 

He laughs quietly against your lips and he begins trailing kisses from your jaw to the side of your neck and you tip your head back for him, eyes fluttering closed as a content sigh leaves your parted lips. There’s a shift of material and moments later, Mat’s slightly calloused palms crawl underneath the t-shirt that was once him but you claimed as your own months ago. It’s big around you, sleeves coming up to your elbows and you know that his last name is written in big bold white letters on the back although it’s pretty washed out now. His lips are now on your exposed stomach, butterfly kisses peppering your warm skin and you bite your lip while watching him do this. Strands of unstyled jet black hair tickle as he moves and you giggle quietly. It’s the sound of it that makes Mat look up and there’s a wicked smile on his lips. Moving swiftly, he sits back on the couch and pulls you to straddle his lap, body yielding to him before he gives you the control. Do what you want, however you want it. 

It’s your turn to slide your hands under his shirt and he doesn’t hesitate to stretch his arms up so that you can remove it for him, discarding it wherever it may fall. You slide your thumb against his lower lip and Mat barely just manages a chaste kiss to it before you lower your head down to kiss him and his lips part, the movement automatic. It’s the sort of kiss that’s sloppy and hot and you know you’ll remember it for days; hell, he’ll remember it for days, asking you to do that thing you did in the early hours of the morning or long after the sun has gone down or bringing it up over the phone when it’s just him and no one else in a hotel room hundreds of miles away from home, missing everything that has to do with you.

“Fuck,” he exhales, breathless and flushed once you both part from the kiss. You can’t help but grin proudly at how his eyes flutter closed and he stills in your arms though you know adrenaline pumps through his body the same way it does through yours. “I don’t think I can make it to the bedroom,” he admits and you burst into laughter. 

“Yeah, no shit,” you agree and just to make a point out of it, you relax your body so that you’re sitting back on his lap and there’s no mistaking whatsoever that he’s hard. “Well, there’s no rush anyway. We have all the time in the world, and an entire place to ourselves so…” you trail off, lifting a shoulder in a shrug. 

Mat opens his eyes and moves his hands from your hips to cradle your face, holding you in place to peck your lips. “So, I’m gonna love you so hard, it might just give that award of yours a run for its money.” 

You arch an eyebrow, pulling back enough so that you can tug the t-shirt over your head, dropping it to join his. “Walk the talk, Barzy,” you say.

He didn’t need any more encouragement than you already gave, but your words kick him into action almost instantly. 

*

A sharp thwack sound catches your attention and you look over in the distance to where Mat looks off in the distance while Tito prepares for his turn. It’s too far for you to see where the ball went but judging by Mat’s reaction, it’s obvious he didn’t quite nail whatever he intended to do. Tito probably chirps him for it because Mat throws a punch at his arm that you know is so light that probably neither of them felt it. Still, they laugh and the sound barely just carries over to where you’re sat. 

“He’s like that now, but if you’d seen him before the two of you got here…” Elise trails off and you just about manage to see her shake her head as if words wouldn’t even be sufficient in describing how Tito was. Still, there’s just so much fondness in her expression as she looks towards him out on the golf course that it makes you warmer than the light fleece blanket you wrapped around your shoulders. 

“You’d think it’d be the other way around,” you say.

“You’d think!” Elise repeats. “The past two mornings, he got up at who fucking knows when and went for a run. Not even a casual jog or whatever, but you’d think he’s been training for the Olympics.” 

You burst into laughter at the image that forms in your head of Tito being so full of nervous energy that he becomes the metaphorical lion in a cage. Still, it doesn’t surprise you as much as you thought it would. While away, you and Tito have been in contact occasionally either through texts or through the phone and often, he’d begin by saying “what do you think she’d say to XYZ”. He never failed to amuse you because many of his concerns were so small, but you could only imagine what it’d be like to be in his shoes: they were about to tie the knot and this isn’t exactly a day to day type of event. Elise was at that point also, back when preparations for it were just kicking off and most of their days consisted of appointment after appointment with wedding planners that occasionally made her feel as if she’d never be able to pick from all the choices laid out to her. With the day just around the corner, she seems more content, more relaxed. Of course, her nerves are still there but Elise has the sort of air around her that puts you under the impression it wouldn’t be impossible for her to conquer the world in the next hour if she suddenly decides to. 

You reach for your drink, twirling the straw around the glass before taking a sip from it. The tang of citrus is refreshing but you do need a quick sip of water to mellow the sharpness of alcohol mixed in. 

“Want to bet he’ll be the one crying when he sees you walk the aisle?” you ask her, wiggling your eyebrows at her suggestively. 

Elise smiles, a small almost shy smile as she diverts her gaze towards her own drink. She takes a sip from it but she still smiles around the straw. “Let’s hope I don’t start first and end up tripping on my way there.” She physically cringes at the thought of it, eyes squeezing shut and shoulders trembling before she quickly waves her hands as if trying to dismiss the idea. “Oh god, no, I can’t think of it otherwise it’ll happen.”

“You’ll be fine,” you assure her, reaching to grasp her hand and Elise welcomes the gesture, squeezing your own in return but still holds on to it as if for dear life. “I promise. It’ll go by so smoothly and everything will be perfect.”

“I’ll take your word for it. You’re usually right.” 

“Not always,” you correct her, lightheartedly while trying to prevent your mind from beginning a count of the amount of times you’ve been wrong. You don’t need that spoiling your mood or worse, the evening overall.

Elise ponders on that. “Actually, you’re right. Remember before you left and said Mat would be fine, he’s a big boy, after I said it’ll be hard for him to get used to it?” You swallow uncomfortably. Yes, you remember that. Clear as if it only happened yesterday. “Well, you were wrong about that for sure.”

Your mouth feels dry and it’s as if all energy has been sucked out of you suddenly, and all in one go. You don’t want to have this conversation and you certainly don’t want to look into this much more than you should. After all, you and Mat agreed you’ll put up a front so for all you know, he may just be a better actor than you imagined he’d be. Mat was only putting on an attitude everyone expected him to have and that’s all there is to it. You did it too, after all. When Elise would call or come down to Baltimore and Mat would come up in conversation, you told her how much you missed him; how even if you called and FaceTimed, it wasn’t enough. 

“So then come back,” she’d tell you. “It’s not like they wouldn’t want you back in New York, if it’s work related.” 

“Mat understands,” you’d push back each time. “Besides, he’s coming over this weekend,” you’d add and make a note to text him so that he doesn’t end up in some New York bar with Tito, Elise and other people when he should be in Baltimore instead. 

It was selfish and restricting, and you’d apologise for it but each time, Mat would brush it off without fail. 

It’s fine, he’d assure through text. I wanted an excuse to spend the weekend in, anyway.

“I’m sure he was exaggerating most of the time,” you tell Elise dismissively, carefully sliding your hand from hers as you lean back in the plush seat and pull the blanket a little tighter around your shoulders. 

You try not to look at Elise because you know the expression she wears: it’s serious; the type of look that she puts on whenever you try to make light of a serious situation, practically reading don’t lie to yourself and mostly importantly, don’t try and bamboozle me. It never works. Not with her. 

“Y/N.” Your name falls from her mouth sharply and you can’t help but direct your gaze back to her. “I don’t know Mat like you do, maybe not even as well as Tito does, but you’d think he was going through heartbreak when you left. Moping, I can put up with and distract from so believe me when I say that wasn’t what he was doing. You’ve seen his games, right? You saw how it even affected him on ice.”

You bite on your back teeth, jaw squaring. As much as you wanted to keep yourself away from anything to do with Mat, you couldn’t help but switch back to his games whenever they were on, doing some childish back and forth between channels. Mat did play differently. Still giving it his best, but aggressively; sometimes, he even fell for whatever bait the opposing team would throw at him in the form of chirps and you didn’t need to be a lip-reading expert to know he’d always respond. Once or twice, he landed himself in the penalty box for minor misconducts that seemed so out of character for him. 

“It’s fine now,” you say, in hopes of leading out of this subject. “I’m back in New York for a while, so it’s fine now.”

“Is it?” She asks, and you know this isn’t just because of what she saw of Mat without you. She questions it because she’s also seen you without Mat. “Was there… Uh. Was there more to it?” She cringes a little, and quickly tries to dismiss herself with a wave of her hand. “Don’t feel obliged to tell me if you don’t want to. It does seem like you guys are fine, but… You know I’m here for you, right?” 

You force a smile and nod quickly.

The first few weeks in Baltimore gave you a good taste of what your own personal little hell was like. You didn’t have Elise, you didn’t have Rachel, you had none of your closest friends and it felt like a lot of the after-work drinks you’d go on with your new colleagues were mostly out of your own desperation to stretch the day longer, essentially avoiding returning to an empty place. Generally, you adapt well to situations and people, but you were effectively trying to build afresh from the ground up and on bad days, the really awful ones when loneliness and heartache reared their ugliest faces towards you, there was no one for you to pour your most honest feelings out to. Several times, you wanted to reach out to Elise and come clean but it wouldn’t be fair. She was in the full swing of preparing for her wedding and the last thing you wanted to do is go crying to her. 

Of course, there was no Mat either. There was no Mat because there was no such thing as breaks in a relationship so you gave him the thing you were certain he tried to avoid voicing, but definitely referred to: a break-up. 

“No, nothing else to it than that,” you assure her, breaking your own train of thought while simultaneously giving yourself a mental pat on the back for the ease with which you weaved your story. “I mean, it’s been a bit weird to be apart over the period, especially since we didn’t know what’s to come, work-wise, but we’re fine now.”

“You two know best what’s good for the both of you and your relationship,” Elise says, “but take it from me: get away together if you can. It’s not easy, you know. Doing your own thing while he does his, progressing in what you’re both best at but sometimes, it gets to you. The distance, the days gone by with them on the road, the worry that maybe, just maybe, they’ll come back and they won’t be the same. I had that worry also once too, you know.”

The admission takes you by surprise. Elise laughs quietly at the sight of your slightly widened eyes because you haven’t heard this before. Sure, she told you of missing Tito while the Islanders were off to away games but she never truly admitted the thoughts coursing through her mind. 

“He never once gave me reasons to doubt him, but at the back of my mind, I’d be so worried. You know how the stereotype surrounding athletes goes.” She rolls her eyes, and you know exactly what she’s referring to. “Tito’s handsome and young and his face is on TV, but the fact that a man is taken hasn’t exactly stopped people before. I can’t tell you how many times I waited—no. Expected him to come back and be different, then tell me it’s over. Seriously, I lost track. One day, he called me out on it though.” She takes a break to sip from her drink and look out towards the golf course and you do too. It’s probably not long now before their game will be over. “He’d just gotten back the night before and to me, he seemed a little weird. Looking back on it, he was just exhausted. They didn’t have their best performance, but I didn’t even think of that. In my head, I already had this entire scenario planned that that was it.

“In the morning, I snapped at him. I wish I could just forget it now because it’s so embarrassing but I did it, and there’s no brushing that under the carpet. I was like, you were different last night and you were different through text. I told him he was acting different and when he asked what I meant, I said, you’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” She physically cringes at the memory and in your chest, your heart races. It’s almost identical to your own anxieties during those final moments of your relationship with Mat, and it seems as if you’re merely listening to someone recite your story back to you rather than their own. “Didn’t think of the games, didn’t think he might be down and distant because he blamed himself for some of the missed shots. Instead, I let my own insecurities get the best of me. I overlooked all we’ve done together so far, overlooked the simple fact that I had nothing to back up my accusation and instead, I took it out on him.”

“Elise… what the— you never mentioned this. When did all of this happen?” 

“Two years ago now, probably. We joke about it every now and then, but I couldn’t imagine telling anyone what happened. I felt so stupid after we dealt with it.” She sighs, shaking her head incredulously at the situation. “What we really needed was some time away. We left as soon as the season ended, renting out a little place outside of Montreal and we talked, Y/N. Not casual, day-to-day things, but he asked me where I see us going. I told him honestly, I don’t know and he said it’s not good enough and not fair for our relationship and us, individually. He’s the one who brought up marrying, after the dust settled.” 

The brief silence that falls between the two of you leaves your head buzzing with questions, with possibilities, with recollections of you-and-Mat but also of you and Mat during what would be your last moments together. There is a continuous string of what ifs rolling through your mind at such rapid speed that they blend in together until you can’t tell one statement apart from the next. You free a hand from the confines of the blanket, bringing it up to rub lightly at the side of your head while Elise stares off in the distance, a pensive look on her face. There are things she’ll tell you and others, and then there are things she will keep private for herself and Tito only, and you respect that. Still, you find the need of actually biting down onto your tongue to ask How?

How did you make it work? How did you talk with each other? How did you prevent a train wreck? How did you accept what happened, and got to this point? 

You blink and that’s when you realise tears built up in your eyes and when Elise focuses back to the present, you realise she is in a similar position. You both begin laughing, dabbing at your eyes.

“How did you manage to make each other cry?” 

The incredulity in Tito’s voice makes you and Elise burst into laughter again, louder and less tearful now.

While Elise assure Tito there’s nothing to worry about and dismisses the tears as being wedding related, Mat takes the seat next to yours on the small two-seater, throwing you a what happened look. You shake your head, rubbing lightly at your cheeks to brush away any remaining stray tears. 

“Wedding tears,” you confirm to him also because he doesn’t cease staring at you, and though it’s clear he’s not entirely convinced by that, it’s easy to let it slide. “Did you win?” 

Mat shakes his head and reaches for the water glass nearest to him. You don’t bother telling him it’s yours and figure it might come across as weird to the couple across from you anyway. “I let him win to give him a boost of confidence,” Mat tells you and snickers when Tito complains that it isn’t true.

Dismissing Tito’s effort at trying to shut that down, you hum quietly. “That sounds fair to me,” you tell Mat and then, to Tito, “did he let you win properly?”

Tito rolls his eyes while Elise lets out an ‘aww’ in consolation, and leans over to peck his cheek. “He put up a decent fight, I suppose. It’s been a while since he had this much energy, but he’s never been the best at golf.”

“He’s not the worst either,” you defend because you’ve always done that and it comes to you reflexively. You feel Mat’s eyes on you, but you keep yours carefully trained on the couple ahead. 

“You say that because you’re supposed to,” Elise argues and she leans comfortably against Tito’s side. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulls her closer to kiss the top of her head and when he looks back towards you, he grins proudly. 

You huff, then shift in your seat to look at Mat properly. “If I was bad at something, would you say I didn’t because you’re supposed to?” You ask, in an attempt to prove your point, and pitch your voice just a little to imitate Elise’s. 

“Are you bad at something?” He pitches his question like a rhetorical one and across from you, Tito and Elise coo over the response that sends a wave of heat through your body. 

You narrow your eyes at him, bumping your knee against his own. “I absolutely cannot stop properly on skates.”

“Oh.” Mat sighs, takes a sip of water and his shoulders slump. “Yeah, I forgot about that. Don’t tell me you still—“ You quickly knock your knee against his again, a silent warning which you doubt is the most subtle of ones, but Mat changes course smoothly. “After all those hours we spent on ice…” He shakes his head slowly in disappointment, but it’s not like you blame him or take it personally.

You lost track of how often Mat would carefully instruct you through making proper stops on ice, only for you to still end up relying on crashing against the barriers. Although you’d laugh at it time and time again, Mat would always freak out over it, flooding you with endless are you okay questions out of sheer fear you’d end up hurt.

“Sorry we can’t all be pros,” you mumble, eyes rolling but there’s no heat behind this: it’s lighthearted bickering, a conversation that flows easily and you let it go by like this, without overthinking it out of sheer fear you’ll end up spoiling it. 

You all fall into discussions revolving around the wedding, mostly focusing on the events leading up to it. It takes you back to months ago when evenings like these were almost regular. You, Mat, Elise and Tito would hang out either at each other’s places or somewhere out in town and you’d talk until one of you would realise it was the early hours of the morning. 

It’s easy to get swept back into the comforting feeling that brings you. So much so, that you don’t really think much of it when you open up your blanket and hold a half of it out to Mat, who accepts it wordlessly and settles in closer to you. Arm pressed again arm, leg pressed against leg, you can’t find it in you to pour energy into making a conscious effort of shifting in such way that you place some distance between the two of you without it being odd. You’re convinced neither Elise nor Tito are acutely aware of every minor shift in your body language or tone, but a part of you remains worried about it. So, you stay in your place and enjoy the extra bit of warmth Mat’s body next to yours provides and pretend what the two of you are doing is perfectly okay. 

*

“I can’t do it,” you sigh, unable to keep the frustration out of your voice as you glare down at your skates. 

“I couldn’t do it in one day either, baby, we just need to keep practicing,” Mat encourages you gently and he takes hold of your hands as he begins skating backwards, dragging you forwards. 

You throw your head back in frustration, occasionally giving yourself a bit of a push to keep up with him. “It’s not so bad though, using the barriers to stop.” 

Mat fixes you with a pointed stare. “Remember that time when you just zoomed across the entire rink and ended up—“

“No, no—“

“—with the worst bruise—“

“— we don’t talk—“

“— across your ribs—“

“— about it!”

“— because you crashed into the barriers?” Mat continues, letting go of your hands to skate backwards a little further. “Because I do, and I promised myself and you that it won’t happen again. It’s for your safety above anything else.”

You groan quietly, pushing forward to catch up to him. Mat stretches out his arms, letting you bump against his body once you reach him and you bury your head against his chest while you both come to a stop in the middle of the rink. You’re pretty certain that had you been on public ice, you would’ve had plenty of stares and disgruntled skaters passing by but to your luck, the ice at Nassau had an off-day from training so you and Mat were permitted to make the most of it. 

You and Mat often took to the ice and of course the level in skill was entirely different between the two of you, but you were grateful you knew enough to get by without making a fool of yourself in public. Then again, it’s not like you really had to worry about it much: Mat was always there by your side, even if you’d sometimes send him off to just enjoy it however he wanted to and you’d catch up to him eventually.

“I’m enjoying it,” he’d assure you without fail. “I’m with you, so I’m not missing out on anything.”

“You can be so unbelievably cheesy sometimes,” you’d tell him without heat because you loved it, and you were pretty sure he was well aware of it and considered it encouragement.

You pull away from him and he lets you go ahead while he trails behind you slowly. The silence between you is filled by the slashing of blades against the ice, the sound occasionally louder and echoing further whenever Mat pushes ahead with more force. You smile to yourself whenever you feel you can afford to draw some of your concentration away from your own skating to catch sight of Mat. Much to your displeasure though, a feeling of tightness forms in your chest and without thinking of it, you press a hand to your chest, rubbing against it lightly as if that might ease it but to no avail.

“What’s on your mind, baby?” Mat asks once he slows down and twirls on his skates so he skates backwards in order to face you. 

“What? Oh, nothing. I was only trying to picture how well you’d pull of figure skating.” 

Mat scrunches up his face a little. “Mh, not very well, I think, but nice try.” He reaches out for your hand and you let him take it so he leads you around the rink. “What’s on your mind really?” He insists. 

Bite the bullet, you think. Try it.

“Couple of work stuff, nothing that important,” you begin carefully and when Mat doesn’t respond, you press on. “Turns out our branch in Baltimore is looking to expand a little more. There’s been a consultation completed there and recommendations all point towards the potential for growth. There’s been a few talks in a few departments, including my own, about the possibility of uh, some people heading out there.”

Mat nods slowly, a contemplative look on his face. “Sounds pretty good for them, then. Do they have any idea who might be involved in that from your office?” 

“Not yet, and anyway, they’ll consult first with anyone who might consider relocating,” you inform him lightly, shrugging.

There’s no beating around the bush with Mat though. He reads you like an open book. “There’s no hockey teams there, huh?” 

You laugh softly, shaking your head. “Unfortunately, no.”

“And would you want to go there?” 

“Temporarily? I wouldn’t say no, honestly. I have a few ideas and I think they’d fit in great with a smaller but growing branch.”

Mat slows down carefully to not trip you or catch you by surprise and once you also come to a halt, he leans in to press a kiss to your forehead. “Give them just a taste of what you can do and they’ll want to keep you there.” 

“It’s rich of you to assume they wouldn’t go for someone in a more senior position than my own.”

“It’s rich of you to assume they’d skip out on you,” Mat parrots and you laugh softly. “It wouldn’t be so bad if you say so and it’s a temporary thing.” 

You ponder his words for a moment, humming quietly. You didn’t expect anything less from Mat: he’s always been supportive, ready to vouch for you and be the first to jump in your corner, but you can’t help but wonder if he’d stand by his words if you were to tell him there was more to it than that. Because a relocation wouldn’t mean a month or two. Maybe not even a half year. A relocation could very well be anywhere upwards of one year, but you don’t have the heart to tell him that just yet. Not when anything isn’t concrete, not when you’re hardly even sure this is a step you’d even want to consider.

You’ll cross that bridge if you get there. When you get there.

*

You roll on your back and huff quietly, throwing an arm over your forehead. The room is dark and you can barely just make out the metal shape of the spotlights dotting the ceiling, so you try focusing on one that gleams just a little more in the hopes that your eyes will start to feel heavy and finally, finally you can fall asleep. In your mind, you count to ten and when that doesn’t work, you count to twenty then try to thirty but stop at fourteen and sit up. You want to cry and the feeling of needing to do that overwhelms you, though that’s quickly replaced by frustration when even a single tear won’t blur your vision. It seemed like that came to you so easily throughout the day, but when you need it most in hopes of it exhausting you, it doesn’t happen. Naturally. 

Your gaze drifts towards the door which is just ever so slightly parted and in the silence of the night, you can make out the unmistakable creak of mattress springs shifting. It’s not a gentle movement though. It happens again just moments later and it’s as if your body responds to it without your mind consenting. Slowly, you tip-toe your way across the room and towards the door, thankful you don’t need to press down on the handle but rather, pull it ever so slightly so you can just see through the crack. 

The living room basks in darkness and the only clear light source comes from a digital clock on a mantle. The blue numbers indicate it’s just a little past one in the morning. The thicker curtains haven’t been pulled over the windows properly, so very low light from outside filters in, but barely just. Again, the mattress creaks and you shuffle sideways behind the door as if you’d be seen. There’s no chance of that happening whatsoever. Again, the creaking. Harsher now, more frustrated and you recognise your own routine over the past hour or so since you climbed in bed and called it a day. You lick your lips, eyes falling shut briefly and you barely just press your forehead to the cold door. Count backwards from five and on one, you pull open the door properly and step into the living room.

“Get in the bed, Mat.”

Silence. You rub at your forehead, a little irritated. 

“I know you’re not sleeping, so don’t try to pretend,” you tell him but your voice doesn’t quite pack the punch it should have. “That thing keeps squeaking and it’s keeping me up. Get in the bed, Mat.” 

“Just close the door if you can’t sleep,” he says. 

Huffing quietly, you step further in the living room and it takes a while for your eyes to get used to the darkness but soon enough, you can just make out Mat’s shape in the pull-out bed. He faces the windows, back towards you and you’ve no doubt the pull-out couch is sturdy and decently comfortable but you hate it. You hate the sight of it, you hate the idea of him in it, you hate everything about this. 

“Please, Mat. I…” you trail off, running both hands across your face before they drop to your sides with a noticeable smack sound. “I swear I’d still hearing the creaking through the walls. I can’t fall asleep with it, it’s driving me insane so please,” you plea, exhausted yet weirdly tuned into your emotions - and they’re all overwhelming. If you were wondering why you couldn’t cry just moments ago, it sure feels as if you’re standing right at the very edge of a breakdown right now. The timing couldn’t be worse. “Get in the bed, Mat,” you repeat once again, voice low and tired.

There’s a moment of stillness during which you stand there, feeling defeated and ashamed while Mat lies just ahead of you and you wonder what goes on through his mind. Not for the first time, you wish you had the power to hear it all regardless of how much worse it’d make you feel. And then, he moves. He sits up and there’s some shuffling of bedsheets, and moments later, he’s moving past you into the room with a pillow under his arm even if there’s plenty on the bed already. You allow yourself a brief second to draw in a silent breath of air then release it before following after him. This time, you circle around the bed frame because Mat settled on the right side. He always took the right side because that’s what you agreed on years ago.

You pull the bedsheets up to your nose and open your mouth ready to say something. But what more is there to say? 

“Do you ever think where it went wrong?” 

Mat’s question takes you by surprise and you swallow the lump in your throat uncomfortably. The it is more of a we, but it makes it feel just a little more impersonal though it doesn’t quite soften the blow it delivers. You wish you could curl into a ball, grasp the covers tightly around your body like a cocoon but you’re rooted to your place and the most you can do is grab at the sheets with your fingers tightly. If it wasn’t for the material, you’re convinced your nails would dig into your palms and leave half moons there that would hurt like a bitch. 

“I did,” you tell him, at last. 

“I do,” Mat admits without hesitating, without needing you to prompt him and you don’t miss the way he phrases it as if this is a thing he continues to do in the present. But his tone is calculated, detached and you can’t help but wonder whether that’s true or you’re about to let yourself get roped into a blame game you’ve already played before. 

You lost it, of course. But you try not to think about how bitter it felt. You think there might be something lodged in your throat, something that resembles an apology you owe him, but every time it feels as if you’ll let it slip past your mouth, invisible walls are built up and nothing gets past those. 

“I think I lost you somewhere along the way,” he continues because this is a thing that Mat does: he doesn’t let something slip past him so easily. Not always, anyway. “And I don’t think I did enough to meet you halfway.” A pause and you barely just shift under the blankets. Your arm brushes against soft cotton and belatedly, you realise that’s his spare pillow between the two of you. You really do hate everything about this. “I don’t think you did either,” he admits.

You have to give it to him: he has guts. And you really hate that you can’t bring yourself to let your own show, even in the dark. Especially in the dark, where your faces are hidden and your bodies are separated by a flimsy pillow and there’s a chance that you might both forget this in the morning or pass it off as a lucid dream. It’s a small chance, but existent nevertheless. 

“What good will it do us if we keep thinking about it?” You ask, but it’s directed more at yourself than it is to him.

Your mind betrays you by giving you the answer: it won’t change the past, but it may very well change the future. And your heart throbs rapidly at the thought and there’s heat in your belly and adrenaline in your veins, and there’s an explosion of what ifs coursing through your mind even if you know it’s too late. Because it must be, right?

“Let it go, Mat,” you tell him and shift under the covers, turning your back to him and curling up underneath the covers. “Go to sleep.”

He scoffs ever so quietly, but you pick up on the sound because there’s nothing else to distract you from it. “Right, sorry. I forgot you give up just like that now.”

You frown, glaring at the darkness ahead. “It’s not me giving up, Mat. It’s called me being rational about it.” You sigh, eyes closing and you press your fingers against them until you see stars behind them. “What are you hoping to get out of this?”

“Don’t know.” Mat sighs and the bed shifts. His voice sounds quieter and you wonder if he turned his back to you in return. “Maybe some proper closure, I guess. I wouldn’t call what happened then and what’s happening now a… what did you call it? A clean break?”

“And you want it now at like, what, one in the morning? Will that make you go to sleep?” 

“Dunno,” Mat murmurs and it’s obvious his voice is heavy with exhaustion. “Maybe.” 

You push down the memories threatening to squeeze their way at the forefront of your mind because you’d be at it all night without doubt. The silence lingers between you, undisrupted, and you manage to count to twenty five in your mind slowly before you carefully turn your head to look over your shoulder. Your heart jumps in your throat. Mat is on his side facing you and his eyes are closed. You can’t be certain that he managed to fall asleep but his breathing seems steady enough. Ever so carefully, you turn until you’re on your back again and cast your gaze upwards towards the ceiling. 

“I’d sleep, but probably not a great deal.”

Mat’s voice, silent as it is, catches you by surprise and you jolt ever so slightly. The movement doesn’t seem to disturb him though. He remains still as a statue and despite the darkness, you can’t find it in you to look towards him. It doesn’t mean your skin doesn’t tingle in that very odd way it does whenever someone looks at you. You close your eyes and throw an arm over them for extra measure. 

“Just go to sleep, Mat,” you whisper.

You blame not finding it in you to give him what he wants on the sudden exhaustion coursing through you, but there’s always tomorrow. If he insists on it, you can assure him there’s always tomorrow. 

But Mat doesn’t force the subject and soon enough, you feel your shoulder relaxing, your body settling against the mattress and a familiar lull pulls you away from consciousness. 

A Wife for Thor Pt.04

10/23/2020

Strong Arms and Honest Kisses

Pairing: King!Thor x Reader          Word Count: 3,636

Warnings: failed relationships, talks of lonliness, angst, FLUFF, complicated relationships

A/N: This one is a little shorter than my chapters recently. Part of this is because this felt like a complete chapter but I also did a lot of rewriting with this one. I wrote half of it, then deleted it. Then wrote it again. Then deleted it. I finally got a good flow going and this is the one I liked the most. I hope y’all like it too. If you happen to reblog, thanks so much for helping me spread my work! xoxo

Please do not REPOST my stories on any other sites or blogs.

REBLOGS are always welcome and appreciated!

The walk back to your room is awkward.

Full of fluttering hesitant energy.

There’s a new electricity between your body and Thor’s as he walks beside you, heavy feet falling slowly, with forethought.

He has his hands behind his back, feeling the need to keep them to himself after what happened in the garden.

You appreciate the space.

“That was my first kiss.” You admit, hating the silence between you because it feels like both of you want to say so much but are unwilling to speak first.

“Oh,” Thor laments, his gaze wavering. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be!” You rush to reassure him, shrugging a shoulder as you look straight once more. “I-I mean, you wanted a maiden, right? A virgin?”

When you look at him, he’s blushing, his cheeks a soft pink underneath that hay colored beard.

It’s cute and you feel a surge of warmth for him fill your chest.

“That wasn’t necessarily what I wanted.” He clarifies.

“Oh…” Your turn to lament. “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, a flurry of worries come rushing forward. You don’t have any experience. None. Zero. Tonight has been the most action you’ve ever seen in your life.

No one has ever held your hand.

No one has ever been so caring and sweet.

No one has definitely ever kissed you.

No one has ever proposed.

You have no experience to offer Thor, as a wife, will you be able to satisfy him?

He’s a literal God. He’s really, super old, and has probably slept with lots of women…or…beings? Aliens?

How are you going to live up to that?

“I just…I’ve never even really liked anyone, so I never was with anyone, and I’m sorry-” You fret, stopping to look up at him.

He places his hands over yours, stopping your fidgeting.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He whispers gently.

You meet his blue eye and it’s just as soft as his voice.

“We can talk about that part of our marriage later. Let’s take this one day at a time.”

“But I-I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, I kinda know but I don’t know. I don’t want to-I’m kinda scared of-”

Thor’s blush returns and your own neck is suddenly burning.

That previously terrifying image of Thor prying your legs open that you’d imagined back at home replays itself in your mind, this time the fear is not for the man himself but the act in general.

Thor’s hands finding the side of your neck interrupt your vocal vomit.

With you silenced, he traces the lines of your shoulders, the length of your arms before he takes hold of your elbows over your cloak which is keeping them warm.

“We have time, cherub.” The pet name comes out of nowhere and sounds so strange but good and you’re not sure you know how to breathe anymore. “Time to worry about many things later. Tonight, let’s just enjoy this agreement to try.”

With a lick to your lips, you nod, shutting your eyes as you’re overwhelmed by not only the pleasure that stupid pet name has given you but also his hands still wrapped around your elbows.

“Thank you for telling me.” Thor whispers, pulling you a little closer. “These are things that are good to know. I will be sure to make preparations for us.”

“Preparations?” You nearly squeak.

“Things to make it easier for you. But as I said,” his ears grow nice and red too, now. “We have plenty of time to think about that later. Almost three days!”

You scoff, “That’s not a lot of time, Thor.”

“No,” he chuckles. “I suppose you’re right.”

“This is happening so fast.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. That’s my fault. I’ve been putting this choice off for so long that now that I’ve made it, they want me to follow through quickly.” Thor takes a step back, reaching down to take your hand.

You eagerly hold his hand back, grateful for the comfort it gives you but also you really like holding his hand, you realize.

“Let’s get you to bed. Even though Hilde was completely drunk, she’ll still wake up early enough to make you hate her.” He pulls you along, his hand giving yours a gentle squeeze every few steps.

“Thor?”

“Hm?” He asks, not sparing you a glance.

“You don’t have to do this, you know?” Your own eyes are glued to his hand around yours.

You seriously like the way his hand looks around yours. Why are you letting yourself fall this hard? It’s not right. It’s not fair. To you. To him.

“Do what?” He asks, genuinely confused.

“This.” You give your hand a shake, the two of you rounding the corner to the hall where your room is.

He doesn’t stop walking until he reaches the door. He twists the knob and pulls it open, stepping in with you before turning to close it.

Swallowing hard, you try not to lose your breath again. There’s a pressure in your chest that you know is coming from the way he shut that door.

He turns, strutting towards you as he keeps hold of your hand. You take several steps back until your legs hit the edge of your bed forcing you to sit.

For a moment you think he might move over you, just like that image in your head. Instead he sits down beside you.

“Can I be honest with you about something?” He asks, pulling your hand over onto his lap.

“I hope so.” You relax, waiting patiently as he takes a deep breath.

“I haven’t seen Jane in almost three months.” He explains. “She’s been secluded in an installation in the middle of nowhere. In Wyoming? And I’ve been so busy here…this is the same struggle we always have. I cannot get away because of my own duties now much more formal and inescapable as King. And Jane’s work has always been the most important thing to her.

“I knew that when we agreed to try again but I was hoping that we might both take some time to prioritize our relationship. Jane was the first person I met when I was sent here. She was kind and patient. She was brilliant. Smartest person I’ve ever met. Smarter than Stark and Banner, don’t tell them I told you that.” He smiles. “But it’s that very brain that keeps her focus elsewhere. And I don’t begrudge her that passion. It’s one of the reasons I fell for her.

“But we don’t seem to be able to make it work.”

Hearing him praise her so much, love her so openly dries your throat and you can’t swallow to push past the lump there to speak. So, you say nothing.

“This,” Thor pulls your hand up a little, readjusting and holding it more securely. “This feels good.”

That helps.

“But you wish it was her?” You wonder.

Thor goes silent, averting his eyes to his hand around yours.

“Not anymore.” He sighs. “Until tonight, I would have said yes. I would have given anything for you to be Jane. To marry the woman I love? How could I not want that? It’s what I’ve always hoped for.”

You feel disappointment pull your body down, shoulders slumped, head falling so that you don’t have to look at him anymore.

You feel strong fingers take hold of your chin, gently tilting your head back until you can meet his electric blue eye.

“When I met you, I was surprised. I’d met with woman, after woman, after woman, after woman-”

“Alright, I get it.” You frown.

Thor stops to laugh but then nods, “Sorry. I only mean that every woman I met, all the other princesses and duchesses and ladies once related to direct royal families were kind but there was something calculating about the way they spoke. They were careful with the things they said and I didn’t feel like I was really getting to know them.”

“But with me?”

“With you, I-it was like recognizing someone that I’d known my whole life. You sat there, terrified but unable to keep from speaking your mind. You were honest about not wanting to marry for anything but love and I understood how you felt. I’d made up my mind not to choose you then. I didn’t want to take from you what was being taken from me, but I-the more I thought about marrying one of those women…I told myself I would let you find someone you could be with, even as my wife.

“We’d keep it secret. You could be with them and I would give you your privacy and let you live that life while protecting it for you.” He sighs. “Then you came here, and dinner brought me hope. I didn’t think that you could ever want to feel any other way for me than that disappointment I saw cross your face when I asked you to marry me and live your life with me without feeling loved.”

“Neither did I.” You confess, words coming out in a rush. “I hated you when I came here. I hated my family for being related to royalty. I hated that I was suddenly being asked to think about shit that I honestly, didn’t even care about! And then I met you and you were nice and confused and you asked me that stupid fucking question about my ideal marriage and I had no one else to picture so I pictured you and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”

Thor smiles, “If I’m honest, that’s also what drew me to you. To be fair though, I didn’t ask any of the other women that question, but it was clear without them having to say so that they were after the prestige that comes with being a human Queen of Asgard.”

“But I know that you still love her.” You continue, ignoring the sweet smile he’s giving you because your mind will not stop fretting. “I know that you’d much rather have it be Jane so, I’m only saying that you don’t have to force yourself to hold my hand or show me affection when you don’t feel it.”

Thor sighs heavily, a huff as he takes hold of your head with both massive hands and pulls you towards him to meet his lips.

This time your surprise only lasts a second before you squeeze your eyes shut and pucker your lips back against his.

You can feel his body shake and you tear your eyes open, searching for what’s making him laugh but find him watching you.

He pulls back, thumbs caressing your cheeks.

“Relax. There’s no need to be nervous.” He whispers, deep. It settles in your chest cavity and you really like the sound of his voice.

“I’ve never kissed before.” You remind him. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Kissing is easy.” Thor tells you. “Just pucker your lips,”

You do as he asks, self-conscious but eager to feel that kiss again.

“Then let me do the rest.” He pulls you back to him and your eyes shut as his lips meet yours.

It’s only a peck. A held one. Until Thor’s hands guide your head to the right as he tilts his to the left and suddenly his lips are overlapping your own. They’re hot, wet, and his breath tickles.

You jump as the tip of his tongue rolls along the seam of your mouth and without making the choice to do it, you open for him and he delves in slowly. Your body is suddenly humming, your mind overcome, and it all feels like a dream.

He inhales as he kisses you, tongue swirling around your own and you don’t know what to do so you reach out to grip the edge of his armor around his chest, hands fisted around the leather while he leads you in this dizzy dance.

He tilts your head the other way, breaking the kiss to take a breath giving you a second to gasp, but then he’s back on you, smothering your whimper of surprise with his lips.

As he presses against yours again, he dives in with more excitement, mouth open, tongue tasting.

You’re trembling, legs shaking with nerves as your hands hold on harder.

As he pulls away, lips smacking quietly, he caresses your cheeks again, letting you come down from your high.

He waits patiently until your eyes open, searching wildly to see what you might find in his.

All you find is his own searching, his own curiosity.

“Um…” You mumble, voice barely audible.

“If you let me in,” He says, his breath washing over your lips again making the past few minutes replay in vivid color. “I will open for you. I think we can do this right. I want to do this right. Will you do this with me?”

Your hands are shaking around his arm, still reeling from that kiss. Holy shit.

“I already said yes.” You point out.

“Say it again.” Thor pleads, scooting closer.

You’re almost completely pulled against his chest, hands squished between your bodies.

“This is happening so fast.” You gasp, confused but happy.

“It has to.” He nods. “I want it to.”

“But how do I know it’s real?” You wonder, and to answer you, Thor crushes you against his chest, head dipping until he meets your lips again.

“It’s real.” He says, tilting your head again, coaxing your mouth open.

You respond more eagerly this time, letting your tongue swirl around his to meet it in its frenzy. Your heart pounds with excitement. This is new and you can understand why people like it. You’ve wondered in passing what it would feel like when you saw it happen in films and shows, taking the books you’d read as gospel for what it feels like but they pale in comparison to the reality.

It’s a haze of pleasure. Foggy but the emotions sharp. It’s also possessive. It feels like yours now. This with Thor can never belong to anyone else. The very thought of it being felt by someone else breaks your heart and also boils your blood.

It makes you bolder, pulling him closer where you have hold of him.

“Let me in.” Thor whispers against your lips, giving you one small final peck. “It’s real for me, I swear to you.”

Can you trust him?

Everything he’s said so far makes sense. His disillusionment with his relationship with Jane is not fake. You were able to hear the sadness in his voice, the acceptance when he explained what was happening with her.

“If you can try to love me, I will try to love you.” He whispers, reaching down with his thumb to trace the shape of your lower lip.

You shut your eyes, seduced by his touch.

“You’re not playing fair,” You sigh. “This is coercion.”

Opening your eyes, you find Thor smiling, and you wonder if this is what he looks like when he likes someone. Is this him smitten?

You don’t think so.

You can’t wrap your mind around him being anything but tolerant of you. He’d been so vocal about loving Jane that you can’t see how only meeting with you twice might override that, even if they are currently struggling.

“I already told you yes! Brunnhilde was right about you.”

“And I want to hear you say it again. For good measure.” He traces the line of your jaw, cup your chin from beneath once he reaches it. “Look me in the eyes and tell me that you’ll try with me. We’ll do everything in our power and devote ourselves to each other. You’ll love me and I will love you.”

His words give your stomach flutters and the way he’s holding your chin makes it so that you can’t look away to clear your head.

So, you nod. “I will love you, Thor. We’ll make this work. As long as you never touch me unless you really want to. I don’t want you to force it. I want it to be real.”

Desperately, you want it. Now more than ever.

“Deal.” Thor says, then wraps one arm around your shoulders and meets your lips again.

~~~~~~~~~~

You wake with a gasp, reaching around for something though you don’t know what. No one had slept with you.

The bed is rightfully empty. As you sit up, you remember every little detail of last night. The words that were spoken, the declarations made, the kisses.

Oh, fuck, the kisses!

You lay back down, heart pounding while you urge yourself to think of every single shift of Thor’s lips against your own.

They’d been so hot, and wet once he’d French kissed you. His tongue had been thick and smooth in its movements. Skilled though you don’t know what you’d compare it to in order to know that for sure.

His arms had been huge and strangely safe. Wrapped up around you, he’d been a powerhouse of heat and strength, lulling you into a calm you’ve never felt before.

Reaching up to scratch your forehead, a small shine catches your eye, and you find your engagement ring, dazzling you with its beauty and the memory of Thor on one knee.

For a moment you’re almost sure that you’ll wake up and all of this will be a dream. A good dream that you had no idea you could ever have wanted.

Then a knock on your door makes you jump, and you sit up again.

Through the door marches Brunnhilde with the swagger of a soldier heading into battle, her clothes relaxed however, plain jeans, a red sweater, and heavy work boots.

“Good!” She smiles at you, “You’re awake! Estrid, bring in Her Highness’s breakfast and set aside one of the other dresses His Majesty bought for her.”

“I’m wearing another uncomfortable dress?” Your sorrow is clear and Brunnhilde smiles at you, her eyes flitting towards your ring. “So, that’s what they were up to.”

You follow her gaze and take a long look at your ring, “Who?”

“Loki and Thor.” Estrid moves past Brunnhilde, heading towards the desk at the far side of the room and places it there before she hurries to the armoire to sift through the dresses. “They’d disappeared a few days ago, went shopping or so they said. I didn’t believe them but clearly, they told me the truth. Just didn’t think they were shopping for a ring. It’s pretty.”

“It’s a lotus flower.” You tell her, throwing your blankets back and sliding to the edge of the bed. “He said he didn’t know that I liked flowers but was happy that I did since I’d like the ring more.”

“He said that?” She wonders, grabbing your robe from the vanity seat then offering it to you.

Taking it, you slip it on and tie it loosely around your waist. The smell of the food pulls you to the desk and you sit, immediately picking apart the eggs and toast.

“Mm.” You nod. “He did. He also said that he really wants to try. He’s willing to really give us a shot.”

Brunnhilde sits on the end of your bed, watching you eat with the space between her eyes puckered.

“Then he’s chosen to give her up finally.” Brunnhilde realizes, surprise painting her tone.

You look at her, intrigued by her own surprise.

“Is that weird?”

“No. Not weird, just unlikely. I never thought he’d really give up on Jane. They were so in love in the beginning when we first arrived. They were always together. Slowly they saw each other less and less, but his devotion never wavered.” She explains.

This doesn’t make you feel good. In fact, hearing about how deep their love was—is—unsettles you.

Fork still in your mouth, you watch her, mind racing.

“Eat up, Your Highness.” Brunnhilde says, rising. “Get dressed and meet me in the main hall. We have to go into town for your wedding dress fitting.”

As she moves for the door and Estrid crosses the room to your bed to lay out a stunning navy dress that looks way too formal for a dress fitting, you turn in your seat, hands grasping the back as you twist to follow her.

“Is Thor awake?”

“Yes.” Brunnhilde nods. “He left about half an hour ago for Wyoming to go see Jane, I assume to break things off with her.”

“Oh,” You shrink, fears you didn’t know you could have choking you.

What if he sees her and realizes he loves her too much to let her go? What if she changes her mind and decides that watching him marry someone else is unbearable? She decides to marry him and then he comes back to tell you that she’s agreed to be Queen and he no longer needs you?

Last night had only cemented your growing feelings for Thor and there is no way you can ever go back to before those kisses.

“He’ll be back tonight.” Brunnhilde assures you, but it only drives you crazier.

Why does he need until tonight?

Why so long? How many kisses will he give her? How many hugs will she take?

You shouldn’t begrudge him this goodbye. You should accept that with it will come with tears and affection that you already see as yours. You don’t want her to have it but it’s not yours yet. It’s intended for you, but right now Thor’s love is still hers.

This God of Thunder has absolutely wrecked you and it’s clear to you that you can never go back to your little home without him. You can never live a life where his arms are not around you.

You’re absolutely fucked.