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hyunnieshannie · 2 months

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MIDTERMS ARE KICKING MY ASS BESTIE AND I HAVE 600+ PHOTOCARDS TO SORT FOR MY ROCKSTAR GO😀😀😀😀 PLS FEED ME HYUNNIE FICS WHILE I SUFFER (I miss you so much)

so this is growing up | h.hj series

part three: scraped knees and swing sets

genre: angst, smut, childhood friends to lovers, slow burn, coworker au

wc: 9.2k

summary: What you call ‘fearless,’ he calls ‘reckless’—but back when you were children, he was the one who taught you how to be brave. Hwang Hyunjin, who filled every one of your childhood memories with excitement and curiosity, is now so different from before. Reuniting by chance after your careers led you down separate paths, you wonder if the Hyunjin you fell in love with when you were younger still exists within the jaded businessman who stands before you. No—you are sure he’s there, and you’re determined to find him again.

masterlist

“I bet I can swing higher than you.”

“You wish, loser.”

Hyunjin was a very competitive child, and his biggest rival was you. Partially fueled by curiosity and somewhat fueled by pride, you often challenged each other to contests to determine who was the best at handball, who could hold their breath underwater for the longest, and who would blink first in a staring competition.

Your scores were always neck and neck, which only provoked your competitive spirits more. During recess hour one sunny day, they brought you to the swing set, eager to prove who could soar the highest.

You and Hyunjin plopped yourselves down side by side on the swings. The keen grin on his face was mirrored on yours as you both prepared to propel your way to the top. On his count, you began to swing your legs, using your weight to launch yourself forward and back. You steadily built a rhythm, accelerating more and more with each beat.

Hyunjin saw from the corner of his eye that you were gaining speed. He had to kick himself into high gear. Biting down on his lips, he drove his legs into the air, sucking in deep breaths with each fall and releasing sharp huffs on the way up, putting his all into rising as high as he could.

And then he did it. He was swinging higher than you! A smile crept onto his face as he watched his swing overcome yours. Hyunjin was victorious. As he relished in his victory, he felt the crisp air fill his lungs, the warm sunshine on his face. Every time he swung towards the sky, it felt like he was in the clouds. Hyunjin was on top of the world. He was on top of his little world.

You admitted defeat and hopped off your swing, watching him from below. He was soaring so high that your amazement overshadowed your disappointment.

“Hyunjin! You’re flying!” You shouted to him.

Hyunjin responded with unrestrained laughter. He never felt so alive. His heart was soaring out of his chest. He really was flying.

Seeing him laugh, you started giggling too. You wished you could be up there with him. But your sky expedition would have to happen another day, because the bell rang to call you back to class.

“Hyunjin! We have to go!”

He heard your voice and tried to slow down, but he couldn’t stop his momentum. He was swinging too high, too fast. Suddenly his joyride felt like a death trap. Hyunjin couldn’t come down.

“I can’t stop!” He yelled, eyes wide with fear.

You began to worry. What if Hyunjin was stuck up there forever? What should you do? How could you save him?

You positioned yourself in front of his swing and held out your arms.

“Jump off, I’ll catch you! I promise!”

Hyunjin was terrified, but he trusted you. He was scared of falling, but you promised you’d catch him. You wouldn’t let him fall, and he believed in you. So he scrunched his eyes shut and jumped.

He jumped straight into your arms—just as you promised—but knocked you over in the process. You fell together in a tangle of bruised arms and battered legs. When you stood back up, Hyunjin was still on the ground, clutching his leg. Quiet sniffles left his body when he showed you the scrape on his knee—it was bleeding. You ran to your teacher for help and retrieved a bandage for him.

Hyunjin stared as your nimble fingers carefully placed the bandage over his wound. It was dotted with colorful stars, yellow, blue and red—all of his favorite colors. After the scrape was covered, you bent down to place a kiss over the bandage and Hyunjin’s heart soared for the second time that day.

“My mom says a kiss will make it heal faster.” You mumbled, a light blush sprinkled across your cheeks.

“Thanks.” Was all that Hyunjin could manage. He was tongue tied.

Hyunjin stayed off the swings for a whole week. And he kept his bandage on for just as long, even though the scrape was nearly healed now. But it began to lose its adhesion, and against his will, the bandage fell off. His wound was naked. He was vulnerable. Still, he craved to swing again.

A week after he fell, Hyunjin told you he wanted to go on the swing set once again. You happily went with him. You missed the swings too. He mounted his seat with apprehension and hesitantly swayed back and forth—gently, carefully. Your laughter caught his attention and he turned to see you floating through the air—joyful, carefree. Hyunjin was reminded of how exhilarating his last ride was, how fun it was to fly. He gathered his courage and picked up his speed. Soon enough, the pain in his knee was forgotten, replaced by thrill, fervor, and bliss.

It was easy for Hyunjin to get back up after falling. It was easy for him to forget about his scraped knee and chase happiness instead. It was easy because swinging was worthwhile, it made him feel alive.

It was easy for Hyunjin to be fearless despite the pain. It was easy for him back when he was a bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked kid. Why was it so hard for him to take the leap now that he’s older? He was never this scared before.

Maybe it’s because his world is bigger now, there was more for him to lose. But didn’t he lose the most when he lost you?

It felt as though the bigger his world got, the emptier it became. He struggled to fill his void. It was endless. Yet, the moment you came back into his life, you filled it right up. His world became so full that it suffocated him. Hyunjin was not accustomed to this feeling. It had been so long that he’d forgotten how it felt.

“It.” He knew what “it” was. “It” was the thing that gave color to his bleak world. “It” was what born him into this life, given freely to him by his parents. “It” was what he shared with you for years before he even understood what it was. “It” was the aching in his heart everytime you crossed his mind, the warmth that rushed through his body everytime he looked at you.

How he missed being in love.

But love had no place in his life any more.

He was engaged. He made a promise. It was ironic how Hyunjin did all that he could to rid his mind of love for the purpose of walking down the aisle and committing to a marriage—the very symbol of love.

Did he love her?

It was complicated. Love is not something you can investigate or analyze. And Hyunjin hardly had time to think about it before he was whisked into Sara’s world of business, image, and status. He didn’t really need to, as they profited from being together. Sara liked the way she looked with him by her side and he would benefit from the opportunities she could give him. They each fulfilled each other’s needs. That’s what all relationships are founded on—mutual gain. As such, there was no need to ponder trivial matters such as love.

Did he love you?

The truth to this question was not so complicated—yet Hyunjin refused to answer it. Because doing so might trigger a storm, and he lacked a safe haven. Instead, he chose to run away, just like he always does. He avoided his problems, avoided anything that could invade his empty world, avoided you.

You did the same. Hyunjin had abandoned you, twice now. You didn’t know how much more of your heart you could give to him. You didn’t know if you had any left. The last conversation you shared still rang in your mind. Perhaps he was right in some regards. Things are not as they were when you were kids. Things were different now. Perhaps it’ll never be as it was again.

You were hurting and he was too. But you tried seeking him for long enough. He didn’t want to be found. So you decided to give him what he wanted—distance. You ignored each other at work, barely looked at each other in the eyes. You stopped visiting the coffee machine in the morning. Hyunjin stopped using the fax machine by your office. Work became mundane.

This was what Hyunjin wanted, what he needed to keep his mind focused on his duties—work and the wedding. Yet, in your absence, his mind grew more cluttered.

He couldn’t sleep. His energy was drained. His focus was knocked. He was sinking with no end in sight. Perpetually suspended in an ocean of regret and what if’s. His heart was ripping bigger and bigger. A wound so grave, only your star-covered bandaid could seal it.

His turmoil bled into his work. He wasn’t present in conversations, wasn’t on top of his duties, and Sara began to notice. She asked him why he’d been distant. He told her he had a lot on his mind.

“It’s like you’re second guessing things.” She chuckled, but Hyunjin’s stiff reaction proved that it wasn’t a joke.

The more he ran from his demons, the weaker he became. Each day that he passed you by like a stranger, each night that he spent isolated next to Sara, every moment that he lived in the lie he created was chipping away at him piece by piece. His heart stopped pumping. The blood failed to circulate through his body. His hands were icy, his feet were cold. He couldn’t run any more.

He had promised his heart to another while you still had ownership over it. It wasn’t his promise to make. He avoided you in hopes to reclaim it again, to do the right thing. But his efforts were futile. The guilt would kill him before time could.

Hyunjin confessed his sins. He told her that he couldn’t marry her in this state. He wasn’t ready. And he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready.

She was furious. She told him he was making a huge mistake. She reminded him of every thing he worked for, everything he was giving up, everyone he was letting down. Hyunjin hung his head in silence and accepted her rebuke. His world was empty after all. What did he have left to lose?

“You’ll come to your senses eventually.” Her last words before he left their apartment.

The door shut behind him, leaving Hyunjin outside alone with only a few bags of his personal belongings. The night was cold but he welcomed the chill. For the first time in a while, he felt free.

Hyunjin moved into a new apartment a few blocks away. It was small, but it was cozy. It was just him and his mother again, which reminded him of the few years they lived in the house next to yours after his father passed. Those years were filled with grief and turbulence, yet the memory brought him comfort. Because back then, even in the midst of loss, his world was so full. Back when he had you.

But he gave all of that up when he decided to leave. It was all for nothing in the end. He was back at square one, starting over from scratch. Only this time, you weren’t there waiting for him any more. This time, Hyunjin had to face the consequences of his mistakes.

He held his head high, kissed his mother every morning before leaving the door, and continued to work. It was all he could do. He didn’t dare approach you. He didn’t deserve to. And he was remorseful to Sara, for wasting her time. He hated how he kept hurting the people he cared for, even though he tried so hard not to. He only wanted to make everyone happy. Everyone but himself.

So he took himself out of the equation and continued to work diligently. He kept to himself and avoided intervening in the lives of anyone around him. Things were better off that way. He was successful for a few weeks, and to his surprise, Sara did nothing to interfere with his career in the company. His days remained mostly uneventful.

But then the annual company holiday party came around. Hyunjin already decided against attending, but Sara slipped into his office the night before the event and casually asked him if he was coming. It was the first time she spoken to him after their last confrontation, and maybe the guilt overcame him in the moment, but Hyunjin said “yes.”

He was a bundle of nerves the following night, fidgeting with the button on his suit cuff as he entered the venue. The room was decorated with Christmas wreaths, lights, and ribbons. A warm glow casted over the party goers, each joyfully chatting and enjoying their cocktails. Hyunjin felt out of place, loitering in a secluded corner.

A familiar hand snaked around his arm, sending a chill down his spine. He looked down to see Sara smiling at him, happy to see him, as if they had never broken up. Hyunjin was taken aback by her nonchalance, unsure of her motives. She led him to a table of company executives to engage in polite small talk and he played along as best he could, despite his discomfort.

Throughout the conversation, Sara showered Hyunjin with praise, rambling on about how great he’d be as a director in the company. He could only smile at the compliments, confused by her actions. She was undoubtedly furious with him during their last conversation, yet only had good things to say about him in front of these executives. Was this her way of taunting him? By dangling the promotion he was yearning for in front of his face?

If this was bait, he wasn’t going to take it. Hyunjin didn’t want any part in this game. He had enough on his mind already. Instead, he excused himself from the table and walked over to the bar for a drink. Even if he was reluctant to come here, he may as well try to enjoy the party. Sitting at the far end of the bar, Hyunjin sipped on his drink and observed his surroundings.

His eyes wandered around the room. First, they landed on a group from his accounting department. His coworkers were quiet individuals, usually glued to their computers, but tonight they were boisterous and loud. Hyunjin had never seen them outside of the office before. They seemed more exciting than he thought.

Then his eyes traveled over to the buffet. Lee Minho was filling up his plate, struggling to fit an egg roll on top of his mountain of hors d’oeuvres. Hyunjin watched as he carefully walked over to his table and sat down. Minho’s table was full of folks from the photography department. Hyunjin recognized Lee Felix, Yang Jeongin and Park Nari. And then he saw you.

You were dressed in red, perfect for a holiday party. Your gown elegantly draped over your figure like a Greek sculpture. Beautiful, untouchable. Yet all Hyunjin could see was your smiling face. Your shining eyes, your blushed cheeks. You looked happy, without him.

Hyunjin sipped his drink and admired you from afar. You were laughing with all of your colleagues. You were glowing. It brought him solace to know that he hadn’t poisoned you completely. You were strong. You would heal without him, and for that, he was grateful.

He was grateful to see you happy, but a part of it stung. Your world was fuller without him while his was empty without you. The sting was something he would have to live with. It was his fault anyway. But then his eyes landed on the source of your laughter—a man seated next to you, his arm slung over your shoulders—and the sting became venomous.

Hyunjin recognized the man. Han Jisung, the office comedian, the life of the party. Jisung was well known for his lively personality and scandalous storytelling. He was popular and loved by many. But he didn’t have to be loved by you too.

Jisung was sat by your side, his arm still wrapped around you. He leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You bursted into a fit of giggles and rested a hand on his knee. The sight shot venom straight to Hyunjin’s chest.

He used to make you laugh like that. He used to be the one to hold you. Jisung only met you a few months ago. Hyunjin knew you for a lifetime.

You stood from your seat and made your way towards the bar, ready for a refill. Hyunjin finished the rest of his drink and swiveled in his chair, away from your direction. But he felt your presence a few feet away and heard your voice as you ordered. He couldn’t help but look over.

His eyes landed on yours. You were looking at him too. Normally, this would make for an embarrassing coincidence, but neither of you looked away. You couldn’t look away, trapped in each other’s gaze.

“How have you been?” Hyunjin finally broke the silence.

“I’ve been better.” You were never one to hide your feelings.

Hyunjin heard the pain in your voice, and it hurt him even more.

“How about you?” You asked him.

“Not bad.” He paused, and then chose to be honest as well. “But not good.”

You pressed your lips into a line and stiffly nodded. “I heard what happened between you and Sara. I’m sorry about that.”

Truthfully, you wanted to run straight to him when you found out the news. You worried for him, even though he wanted nothing to do with you. You wondered if he was hurting. You wondered if he needed a friend. And most of all, you wondered why it happened. What caused his change of heart?

Hyunjin should’ve figured you knew. Gossip traveled around the office fast. Even he had heard rumors about the circumstances surrounding his break up. He didn’t care much for the things being said. But he didn’t want you to know, because he knew you would worry. And he didn’t want you involved in his life anymore. He didn’t want you involved in his mess.

“Let me guess, Jisung told you?” Hyunjin quipped. He looked agitated.

“Well, a lot of people were talking about it…” You mumbled, seeing that you struck a nerve. “Sorry for bringing it up.”

Hyunjin sighed in reply. He couldn’t decide if he was angry at you for mentioning it, angry at himself for feeling this way, or angry at Jisung for existing. He was just angry and he couldn’t understand why.

“You know, it’s not a good look to be hanging around the office gossip.” He clenched his jaw after the words came out. His tone was harsher than intended.

Now you started to get angry. “Don’t talk about him like that, he’s my friend.”

“I’ve been your friend for years.”

“You haven’t been my friend in years.”

You bit your lip. Hyunjin grimaced at your words, but he couldn’t dispute your claim.

“At least Ji doesn’t ignore me.” You muttered under your breath.

He sure doesn’t. Hyunjin thought to himself. The guy had been all over you the whole night. Was it unjustified for Hyunjin to want you to stay away from Jisung? Absolutely. Was it how he felt anyway? Absolutely.

Hyunjin didn’t have the right to feel jealous. Yet he was seething with envy. He couldn’t comprehend what was causing this feeling. Maybe it was the way Jisung was so close to you tonight. The way Hyunjin wanted to be close to you too. The way he couldn’t.

“I tried to be your friend again. I really did.” He explained. “But it’s too hard to be your friend when I—“

His fear caught the words before they could leave his throat. He couldn’t admit the truth, couldn’t pull you back into his mess of a heart.

You stared at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence. But he never did. Hyunjin left you at the bar and you started to wonder why you kept on waiting for him. You wondered why you kept clinging to the hope that maybe he felt the same. Why did you continue to offer up your heart to him?

The truth was, he already had your heart. He had it from the start. And once given up, a heart was not something you could take back. You didn’t want it back. What you truly desired was his in return.

You couldn’t enjoy the party anymore after Hyunjin left. So you decided to head home. You haphazardly hung your coat on the rack and abandoned your shoes in the doorway, eager to jump into bed a forget about this night. When you looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror, you realized that you had never looked better. You’d also never felt worse. It was another night of missing him, another night alone. This feeling had become all too familiar now.

Hyunjin was faring no better than you. He was angry at himself, at his inability to not destroy everything around him. He was tormented by his own actions, his own thoughts, his own feelings. Then his anger turned into despair, hopelessness. He was lost. So just as he always did as a little boy whenever he had nowhere else to turn, Hyunjin sought for his mother.

He told her everything. He told her how much pressure he’d been feeling, how remorseful he was to everyone he had hurt, how much he missed you, and how his father’s death still haunts him. He told her that he was scared. He was scared of failing, scared of losing, scared of disappointment. He was scared of what would happen if he was honest with himself. He told her everything. But nothing she didn’t already know.

She held him as he wept, just happy that her baby was finally home. Once he calmed down, she took off her glasses and placed them on the table, angling herself perpendicular to him. It was time that he faced his fears.

“Why are you scared of failing, son?” She soothingly stroked his arm.

Hyunjin looked in his mother’s eyes. There was no anger, no disappointment, only concern.

“I don’t want to let anyone down.”

“Who could you be letting down?” She asked. “I’ve only ever been happy with you. You’re a caring person, a wonderful son. How could you ever let me down?”

“I need to take care of you, mom.” Hyunjin’s voice quivered. “I need to get a good job and be successful so that you don’t ever have to worry. And I can’t let dad down. He always took care of our family, worked hard and never complained. I’ve wanted to be just like him all my life. I can’t end up a failure.”

“Hwang Hyunjin.” His mother’s tone suddenly became stern. “Do you dare for a moment think that you could ever let your father down. He didn’t care for you all those years for you to think so little of yourself.”

Hyunjin was taken aback by her assertiveness. He kept his mouth shut and silently listened.

“Tell me, why did you look up to your father?”

Hesitantly, he answered. “He was kind. He cared for others before himself. He was strict but never raised his voice. He always encouraged me in everything I did. He was dependable. And he loved us more than anything.”

“You forgot one thing.” His mother pointed out.

Hyunjin tilted his head, confused.

“He was always smiling.”

“Oh yeah, he was.” Hyunjin grinned at the memory of his father’s smile.

“You see son, success wasn’t what made your father a great man. His heart did.” She lightly brushed back his hair. “And loving shouldn’t feel like a burden. It shouldn’t drain you, in fact, loving should give you energy. It should make you happy, like your father always was.”

Hyunjin nodded, taking in his mother’s words.

“Caring for others is one quality that your father passed to you. It’s a wonderful thing, it’s something that I love about you very much. But it shouldn’t come at the cost of your own joy.” She explained. “And if you’re going to sacrifice your happiness for the ones you love, shouldn’t we get a say in it?”

Hyunjin hung his head in shame. “I just didn’t want to worry you.”

“If you don’t want us to worry about you, then chase your own happiness.” She sighed and pulled him into a hug. “What you’re failing to see son, is that your happiness is connected to ours. How can I be happy if you are suffering? Sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish. Even if that means not being able to take care of everyone else. We’re stronger than you think.”

She released him from her embrace and smiled, pulling his chin up to look at him.

“And just as much as you care for us, we care for you as well. I’m sure she feels the same.”

She.

“You love her, don’t you?”

Hyunjin gulped, unable to reply. His mother always saw through him. He hadn’t mentioned anything about his feelings for you, yet she knew. She took his silence as a “yes.”

“If you love her, then don’t run away from her. Show her that you love her, and give her a chance to love you.”

A chance to love him? The prospect of his feelings for you being reciprocated was almost scarier than the potential of his love being rejected. At least if you chose to deny him, Hyunjin could stay here in his little world, and maybe even begin the process of moving on. But if you accepted it, if you opened your heart to him as well—it would leave you both vulnerable, both susceptible to wounding each other. And the possibility of hurting you again terrified him.

“But what if she—what if I fail? What if I can’t love her, the way she deserves?”

“I think that’s up to her to decide, don’t you agree?”

Hyunjin’s inner demons were fighting hard to keep him chained to the ground, but his mother knew what he needed to be set free.

“I know it’s scary to give up your heart to someone. The thought of getting hurt is scary, and the thought of hurting them can be even scarier. But anything worth losing is worth the risk.” She reassured. “Even if I knew I was going to lose your father, I’d still choose to fall in love with him again in a heartbeat.”

Hyunjin’s parents were the perfect picture of true love. All of his life, they’d demonstrated nothing but unconditional care for one another and for him. Even if he knew of the pain his father’s death would put him through, Hyunjin would never choose to have anyone else be his dad. And he was convinced his mother was an angel sent from heaven.

She was once again helping him back up, after he had fallen so far down. She was guiding him back to where he was supposed to be. And even though he was scared, he trusted her more than himself.

His mother helped him realize that he was in love with you. No, rather than a realization, it was an acceptance of what he knew all along.

He was done running, done hiding. Hyunjin needed to find you. He needed to face his fears, face his desires, face his truth, face it all now. It had been years in the making. He couldn’t wait any longer.

It took him 30 minutes to contact your work colleagues and find out where you lived in the city. Another 20 minutes to arrive at your apartment. 10 seconds to build up the courage to knock. And only a moment for you to take his breath away.

You stood before him, half-asleep and utterly confused by his appearance at your door. Your shirt carelessly drooped over your shoulders, your hair was a tangled mess. You were raw, pure. You were beautiful.

“Hyunjin?” You rubbed your eyes, unsure if what you saw was real.

“Hey.” His breath formed fog in the air. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Late…for what?”

“Late for coming back to you. Late for telling you how I really feel. Late for everything.”

Your heart picked up at his words. “How you really feel….about…?”

“You.” Hyunjin was just as surprised as you were by his sincerity. “About us. About everything that happened, everything I put you through.”

You couldn’t believe your ears. You could only stare at him in shock as he continued.

“I’m sorry for leaving, for leaving you. It was the last thing I ever wanted.” He took in a deep breath. “When my dad passed away, a part of me died too.”

He was shaking as he spoke. You took his hand in yours. His palm was warm, it felt like home. You squeezed it tight and his trembling subsided.

“A part of me died and you did everything you could to save it. You’re the only reason it didn’t disappear completely. You’re the only reason I had to stay.” His gaze met your eyes, a galaxy reflecting in his pupils, swirling with emotion, with all the words left unsaid, now coming to the surface.

“But I saw how it was tearing you apart to care for me. I saw how I was tearing you apart.” His voice was weak but his hand clung firmly to yours, steadying himself with your touch. “I knew I had to be better for you but I just didn’t know how to be. So I thought it’d be best to just leave, to disappear from your world so that you wouldn’t have to worry about me any more. I thought you’d be happier without me.”

“You idiot.” You whispered, eyes threatening to spill. “Why would I be happier without you?”

Coming to terms with his truth, Hyunjin’s expression was pained.

“I was afraid that I wasn’t enough for you.”

The wind whistled through the trees as you watched each other in silence, absorbing all the unspoken feelings, the years of love lost when you were apart.

“Hyunjin,” You breathed. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.

“But I couldn’t do anything for you.” His voice trembled. “I wanted to give you the world.”

“Can’t you see? You were my world.”

And you were his. You were everything he ever knew, everything he ever wished for. He’d been lost without you, wandering foreign lands where he didn’t belong. Wandering far, wandering hopelessly, even though his final destination was always you. He felt like a fool for ever believing otherwise. He was a fool for ever doubting himself, for ever doubting you.

“I love you.” He spoke. “Always have.”

You grinned through your tears. “Took you long enough.”

You should’ve been more hesitant to accept Hyunjin back into your life. You should’ve waited to open your heart to him again, after all the anguish he’s caused you. But how could you not feel enamored when his voice moves you like the moon moves the currents? When his touch blooms the flowers guarding your heart?

You were always a dreamer, always a romantic. It was never in your nature to give up hope, not on him. You knew for a long time now that there would always be a spot reserved for him in your heart—whether or not he’d return to claim it. It was never a question if it existed. And now that he finally came back to you, all that was left was to surrender what was his all along. So you decided to trust Hyunjin like you always have. You didn’t think you ever really stopped. You didn’t think you could.

“I love you too.” You smiled. “Never stopped.”

Hyunjin’s heart jumped at your confession. His vision was illuminated. Everything around him shimmered. It was as if the lamppost perched over your doorway suddenly flashed brighter, causing his surroundings to glow. He was in a dream.

It had been years since Hyunjin last dreamt like this. The forgotten sensation fell on him like fresh snow, thrilling him with every touch. His body went numb, his mind blank. You can do anything when you’re in a dream. There were no rules, nothing to stop him from doing whatever his heart wished for. Nothing to hold him back from indulging in his desires.

So he kissed you, finally giving in to his childish longing. Because he wanted to, so badly. He didn’t think about the consequences, didn’t stop to analyze his actions. He kissed you because he wanted to. He simply wanted to kiss you, so he did.

He kissed you until he was out of breath. Chests rising and falling, cheeks warm and rosy as he released you from his embrace. He’d kiss you all night in this doorway if he could. He’d stop time and kiss you for years to make up for all the time he was away. There was so much that he missed out on, so much that he can’t miss now. Hyunjin swore to cherish every moment in its entirety from now on. He couldn’t bear to waste a single more.

His eyes blazed as he grabbed your hands. “Let’s run away from home. Like we did when we were kids.”

But how could he run away when you were his home?

“Where would we go?” You didn’t question his decision, didn’t challenge his idea. Hyunjin was the captain of your adventures and you were elated to embark on a new one with him.

He didn’t have a plan. He hardly ever did. But he didn’t need one with you by his side. Hyunjin yearned to recreate the excitement of his youth, the sensation of wonder flowing through is veins, the passion he only felt with you. The truth was that it didn’t matter where you went.

He decided to follow wherever the night led him. You sat in the passenger seat with all the windows down as he drove through the city. The breeze flowed through your hair as you rode over a bridge crossing the river, entering a new town neither of you had ever been to.

He pulled over by a park with a small fountain and a jungle gym. No one else was there at this hour, only the two of you. You sat side by side on the swings, telling each other stories from the years you were apart. The conversation flowed as effortlessly as it did all those years ago. It was like the gap never occurred, as if you had merely fast forwarded in time.

You wished he could’ve been there for some parts. He apologized for missing them. But he didn’t need to. He was here now and that’s all that mattered to you. Just as long as he stayed with you now.

He kissed you again on the swings. Your heart soared. But the night was getting cold and it was time to head out. You and Hyunjin cruised through town with no destination in mind. You spotted a local diner that was still open and decided to enjoy a hot cup of coffee.

Not much was said as you sat across each other in the diner booth. You sipped your coffee slowly, savoring the taste, savoring his company. You didn’t speak but the silence was comfortable. Both of you merely wished to extend your time together as long as possible.

Though, the caffeine wore off quickly and drowsiness began to overcome you. Hyunjin walked you to the car and buckled you in, pressing a kiss to your forehead as you settled in your seat. He surveyed the streets until he found a cozy inn to stay the night.

Hyunjin booked a room and held your hand as he led you inside. The room was small but snug. The white sheets covering the bed were soft and the lamp on the dresser glowed warmly. Hyunjin took off his jacket as you shed your coat, and your senses were awoken again.

You had loved Hyunjin since you were children, but you were both missing during a crucial stage in your lives. He was grown now, and so were you. He was taller, his features were sharper, his shoulders were broader. He was a man. And though you were grateful that most things between you had stayed the same, you couldn’t deny how much you enjoyed this change.

You were a woman. You had grown into your figure, you moved more gracefully, smelled sweeter than before. Hyunjin couldn’t deny that you affected him in a different way than he’d ever experienced. His love for you was transforming with every new discovery and the realization of spending the night with you, sharing a bed with you—was driving his heart mad.

It came naturally, the way he approached you, closing the distance between your bodies and then between your lips. It came naturally, how your hands traveled his chest down to his waist, unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants. Just as naturally when he slipped your shirt over your head, touching your skin, setting it ablaze.

The sensation was new, but it wasn’t awkward, it wasn’t out of place. It felt appropriate, it felt right, it felt perfect. Perfect when his lips wandered to the sensitive skin on your neck. Perfect when his hands grazed your core, brushing the damp fabric of your underwear before pulling them to the side to touch you directly. Perfect when you whimpered in his ear, sending a rush straight to his cock. Perfect when you pulled down his boxers and touched him too, spreading the precum down his shaft and pumping him slowly. It was overwhelmingly perfect.

Hyunjin laid you on the bed and your pulse rapidly quickened. He stripped you naked and stared at you in awe. He whispered that you looked beautiful and it made you giggle but you weren’t flustered. You thought he looked beautiful too. He spread your legs and ducked between them, his tongue eagerly licking up your essence. You couldn’t stay still, you couldn’t keep quiet. You felt like you might burst if he didn’t stop.

His hands held your thighs as he swirled his tongue around your folds. He paused for a moment, grip tightening on your skin. You wondered if there was something wrong, if you had done something to make him stop. Hyunjin released a labored breath and continued licking you, up your center, along your thighs, and then to your nipples, drawing a breathy moan from you. Truthfully, he was at his limit. His cock threatened to spill any minute, and the mere taste of your pussy was enough to make him cum.

But he didn’t want to finish yet. He still needed to feel you. So he rose from the bed and fumbled the drawer for a condom. You were left in a daze, desperate to be touched by him again. When you saw him slip the condom over his shaft, your breath hitched. The awareness of this moment, of the gravity of the step you were about to take, dawned on you. You were about to relinquish everything him, about to give him all of you. There would be no going back from this moment. No chance to reclaim your heart after it passed.

Hyunjin lined himself up at your entrance, hovering down to give you a gentle kiss before he took the last piece of you for himself. A shot of fear struck your heart. You clutched his arms and murmured in his ear.

“Please don’t leave me again.”

Hyunjin froze. His eyes met yours. He knew how much he hurt you when he left, because the hole in his own heart never healed when he was gone. He understood that your trust in him would need to be built back up. And he’d spend his entire life doing so if that’s what it took.

“Darling, I’m not alive if I’m not with you. You’re everything to me. My whole world.”

You shut your eyes and breathed in his scent. When you opened them, he was still there, watching you, waiting for you. He’d wait forever for you.

“I’ll never leave you again. I promise.” Softly, he caressed your face, brushing his thumb across your lips. “Not when I finally have you now.”

His voice spoke the truth. You couldn’t explain it, but you knew. You pulled him closer, your lips ghosting over his. “You can have me. All of me.”

“Are you sure darling?”

He watched you with focused eyes as you gave him your answer. You softly nodded “yes,” and wrapped your arms tighter around his neck. Hyunjin kissed you more delicately than a feather falling to the ground. With a gentle thrust, his hips rocked into yours. You sighed into each others’ mouths, the sensation flickered from your core, sending shivers through your body.

It felt perfect. Like he was made to fit you. His every motion brought waves of inexplicable pleasure to your body. The flame inside you grew and grew as his movements quickened, until the pressure became unbearable. Your hands clung to his shoulders, he buried his head in your neck as your hips moved together. In the heat of your embrace, he reached for your hand, clasping it tight.

You came with his body intertwined with yours, his skin on your skin, limbs tangled, fingers interlaced. Hyunjin emptied himself inside of you with a deep groan. He kissed you as he came, filling your mouth with his tongue, filling your cunt with his cum. He surrendered himself to you. Filling you full. Giving you all of him.

Hyunjin pressed his forehead against yours as you came down from your highs. Your chests rose and sunk in tandem, their rhythm slowing as you began to succumb to slumber.

Before his eyes became too heavy, he took one last look at you, sleeping peacefully in his arms. This was how it always should’ve been. How it always should be.

Hyunjin didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know what the future held for him, but he knew that this moment was right. And he would do everything to keep it this way. To keep you.

He could marry you tomorrow. It might not be the most practical decision, but he wanted to. He was ready since he confessed it to you on the rooftop when you were both eighteen. He was ready since the moment he learned what love is, which was the same moment he learned that he loved you.

You stirred in your sleep and it brought Hyunjin back to reality. His mind always raced faster than time could tick, diving into the possibilities that awaited him, the potential of his next actions, what the future held. But when he noticed you cuddle closer into his side, your shallow breath brushing past his skin—he wanted to remain in this moment. He wanted to stay in this perfect moment and forget about anything else. You were his reminder to stop and appreciate the present. To live in the now.

He conceded to your call for him to pause his ceaseless contemplations, and to just be with you. Hyunjin wrapped his arms around you and pulled the covers up to your chins, falling asleep with his mind at peace and his heart at ease.

When the morning came, you woke up to Hyunjin’s hair tickling your face. You smiled at the sight. He was still here with you. It wasn’t a dream after all.

When Hyunjin woke up, you were still laying in his arms. The lightness he sensed in his normally heavy chest made him feel like he was floating. He thought he was in a dream.

Every moment that he was reminded of his love for you made him feel like he was dreaming. So Hyunjin continued to behave like he was in one. No rules, no holding back.

He kissed you underneath the sunlight shining through the window. Your breath was warm on his cheeks. His touch was silk on your skin. He made love to you that quiet morning. He loved you slowly, tenderly. Time froze when your bodies connected. No creature could disturb the paradise that you shared on that bed. Except maybe the butterflies in your stomach.

When Hyunjin was with you, you were invincible. Nothing could diminish your joy. Likewise, Hyunjin was convinced that he had died on the way to your apartment that night, because he felt like he was in heaven. How else could he explain his immeasurable spirit?

His days became brighter. Though his world was no longer empty, his shoulders felt light. Even coming in to the office, sitting at his dull desk and performing monotonous tasks was enjoyable. Because he knew you were just down the hall.

Hyunjin’s coworkers noticed his improved mood. They even invited him out for drinks after work. He’d never been invited before. They always assumed he wasn’t the type to care about work relations outside of the office. He chatted with them over a pitcher of beer and they got to know him better. He had fun that night.

Jisung was the first to notice the change in your demeanor. He asked you what caused this glow. A new man perhaps? You laughed off his speculations and told him not to worry about it. You avoided revealing anything to him because you wanted to preserve your relationship with Hyunjin. You were happy in your little bubble, just the two of you. Adding other people to the mix might cause unnecessary strain.

So you kept a low profile in the office and minimized your interactions to passing glances and fleeting smiles. But you couldn’t control how red your cheeks turned whenever his hand accidentally grazed yours. And he couldn’t quiet his racing heart.

Jisung caught on, flashing you a knowing grin whenever Hyunjin passed by. You’re thankful that he never said anything about it, but you suspected that others were noticing as well. It didn’t matter, so long as the wrong people didn’t find out.

But then you walked past Hyunjin’s office one morning, and overheard a familiar chilling voice. It sounded muffled behind his closed door, but you recognized its owner. It was Sara. She was angry.

You couldn’t hear all of her words clearly, but the sound of your name was unmistakable. They were talking about you. Arguing about you. The door cracked open as she exited, and you ducked around the corner as she made her final remark.

“It’s your job, or hers.”

You sunk into the wall behind you, shaken by what you heard. How could this be possible? Did Sara have the power to make such threats to Hyunjin? You didn’t have all the pieces, but from the few clues you’ve observed, you could make out the image.

Sara was a proud woman. Proud of her status, proud of her possessions, and she made it known. You’ve seen her flaunt her clothes and jewelry around the office, flaunt her expensive bags that she instructed her employees should never touch the ground, flaunt Hyunjin when she had him. She regularly demonstrated her power, demoting anyone who failed her orders, made mistakes, or merely angered her in any way. She was the CEO’s daughter, and she made sure none would forget.

The office swirled with rumors of her frightening nature, of her callous attitude. But you’d managed to avoid any confrontations with her, and thus remained unscathed by her threatening authority. That is, until now.

You’d stolen from her. Stolen one of her most prized possessions. And even though she hadn’t retaliated when he broke off their engagement, finding out that he left her for another woman—a lowlier woman—was unforgivable. It damaged her pride. She’d put an end to it.

After that day, after he had finally felt free, Hyunjin’s shoulders were heavy once more. You asked him what was wrong, even though you knew. He said “nothing,” even though it wasn’t.

Was he planning to leave you again? Your anxiety rose to your throat at the thought. He wouldn’t do that, would he? He promised you he wouldn’t.

Hyunjin must’ve sensed your paranoia. Because he immediately silenced it with a kiss.

“Everything will be okay, I promise.”

He squeezed your hand. He gave you a smile. Your heart was eased. You trusted him. He’d worked in the company for much longer than you, and he must know of a way to pacify Sara.

Still, the situation must’ve been stressful for him to navigate. You noticed how tense he became at work and you hoped the pressure wasn’t too much for him to handle. He assured you that things would be okay after all. You just prayed that things would settle down soon.

In the meantime, you tried to support Hyunjin from afar. Now was definitely not the time to interact with him at work, but you wanted to do what you could to brighten his days. You decided to slip into his office while everyone was away during lunch hour, and drop off a surprise of his favorite chocolates on his desk—complete with a personal doodle.

You planned to swiftly sneak in, make your delivery and leave, but something caught your eye, freezing you in place.

Resignation papers.

Did you read that right? You reached for the sheets and took a closer look. Your sight had not deceived you.

“Y/N?”

Your head shot towards the sound of your name.

“What are you doing here?” Hyunjin stood at the door. His expression grew troubled once he noticed the papers in your hands.

“Hyunjin, what is the meaning of this?” You held up the forms. “Don’t tell me you were planning to resign.”

“Y/N, I already made the decision. It’s my time to go.” He approached you, gently placing a hand on your cheek. “Besides, there’s plenty of opportunities in the city.”

“Don’t lie to me, hyun.” You frowned, eyes locked on his. “I know you’re doing this for me, so that I don’t lose my job.”

Hyunjin let out a heavy sigh. “You’ve just started your career. This is a great opportunity for you and your photography.” He brushed your cheek with his thumb. “I can find another job.”

You indulged in his touch for a moment, trying to understand his perspective. Sara was inconvincible, it seemed. And maybe Hyunjin truly did want to leave.

But you knew how hard he’d worked in this company, how many years he’d dedicated to attain his position. You knew he needed a job to provide for his mother, to establish his own security. While you on the other hand, were merely chasing your dreams. You couldn’t watch him throw it all away just so you could pursue your aspirations. It wasn’t fair.

“I can’t let you do this.”

You retracted from his hold and marched out the door, straight into Sara’s office. Before he could realize what you were doing, you entered her room and announced your resignation from the company. She was initially surprised by your sudden declaration, but her shock soon melted into a pleased grin. She passed you an official form to sign. You took your pen to the paper.

“Y/N. Don’t.”

Hyunjin finally caught up to you and approached the desk. Sara’s grin contorted into a scowl.

“Let the girl do as she wants. And maybe once she’s gone, you’ll finally get a grip.” Sara snapped. “You really want to throw away your job? For what?”

Hyunjin balled his fists and released a sharp exhale. He was exhausted trying to prove himself year after year, to people who didn’t give a shit about him. Trying to impress them, trying to climb the corporate ladder in exchange for what? More responsibilities and higher expectations? This was the first time he’s finally gotten a grip on his life, by making a decision on his own terms.

“Here.” You handed the completed forms to Sara. “There’s no need for any more arguing. I’ll leave.”

Hyunjin looked at you with eyes wide with worry, but you simply smiled in return.

“Good.” She took the papers from your hands. “See Hyunjin? It’s time to wake up.”

Wake up? If this was reality, Hyunjin preferred to stay in his dream. Actually, it felt more as if he was asleep until now. Because now for the first time in years, he was refreshed, he was aware, he was alive. He dared to want more than comfort. For once, he dared to chase happiness.

“I’m resigning too.”

Sara stared blankly at his face, unable to comprehend his words. “Excuse me?”

“I’m resigning. We both are.” He took your hand in his.

You looked at him, speechless. Was he thinking straight? You worried that he was being too rash, that the pressure had pushed him to do something that he might regret. But his hands were warm and still, his breaths were calm, and he was smiling. This was right. Hyunjin was making the right choice for himself.

So even when Sara yelled for you both to leave her sight and never return, his determination didn’t falter. Even when he packed his desk, leaving behind years of work and dedication, his heart didn’t waver.

He grabbed your hand as you both walked out of the building. Just like when you were kids, you ventured into the unknown with only your dreams to lead you, your hearts on your sleeves, and your hand in his.

It was scary, of course. But rather than allowing fear to overtake his senses, Hyunjin leaned toward his excitement. Because it felt like you were embarking on a new adventure together, a feeling he’d missed since he was a kid, a feeling he’d been searching for ever since.

He yearned for it during the years you were apart. Sometimes he would get an itch to paint again. He’d pick up his brushes and attempt to create something, anything, but his inspiration was lost. It didn’t feel the same.

He sought the feeling through achieving great feats. Perhaps completing a project or getting promoted would bring back the thrill, the joy. But the youthful sensation he used to feel just wasn’t there.

And then he realized—it was you all along.

All those days spent wandering through your backyards, exploring the world around you. Hyunjin couldn’t recall the names of the bugs you caught or the number of rocks you collected. But he could remember the sound of your laughter. He forgot how to make a boat out of twigs, how to weave a bracelet with yarn. But he could never forget the way you’d smile at him, the way his heart would skip a beat. It was you all along. You were the adventure of his youth.

You were the essence of his childhood, the treasure of his past. And now you were his hope for the future.

Hyunjin spent his whole life figuring out how to grow up. He stumbled along the way, but you were there to catch him. He struggled and failed, but he always got back up. This was childhood.

This was also adulthood. He’d never stop making mistakes. And that was okay, because no one ever truly stops failing. It was okay, because no one ever stops growing. To fail, to hurt, to regret, to love—it all was part of growing up. And he never wanted to stop growing with you.

a/n: brb crying. for real guys, this story was so deeply personal to me, because in many ways, hyunjin and yn are two sides of me that are constantly fighting, but both just want peace and happiness in the end. every theme I explored in this series was something very special to my heart, and something I’ve faced in my own life. I hope this story resonated with you somehow, and maybe even brought you some comfort. anyhoo, I hope you enjoy it my loves 💕 -vi

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hyunnieshannie · 2 months

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HEAVY BREATHING AN UPDATE AN UPDATE IM SO HYPED