The Self-Doubt Battle

Hi all, this week's guide is about imposter syndrome and self-doubt! This is a pretty personal subject for me because I struggle with this all the time, so I thought I'd write up a little guide for those of you who do too.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is a pattern of self-doubt that people (especially high achievers) feel. This pattern of self-doubt usually presents as a feeling that one is an imposter or that their achievements are due to falsehoods or faking competency. It is important to understand that Imposter Syndrome is not a clinical term and does not constitute an actual mental health condition. This is a phenomenon that occurs when people doubt themselves so thoroughly that they fear that others will view them as a fraud.

As previously stated, Imposter Syndrome is not a mental health condition that one suffers from, but instead, it is a pattern of thinking that can be overcome. If you find that this feeling is familiar to you, don't lose hope. This is not a permanent feeling, and it is not indicative of any moral or personal failing.

How do I rebuild my confidence?

This portion of the guide may sound familiar! Some of the things that work for burnout will also help rebuild your confidence and battle those persistent feelings of self-doubt. In fact, I find that self-doubt and burnout can very often go hand in hand. If you're feeling like an imposter or that you can't achieve what you want to, look really closely, talk it out with a friend, family member, or therapist, and see if maybe you're feeling burnt out instead. You might find that your self-doubt is actually exhaustion.

Let's start with self-care! It's hard to feel good about yourself when you just plain don't feel good. Self-care can help with that. It's easy to get lost among the scented candles and bubble baths, but self-care is actually much simpler than that. Have you eaten recently and regularly? Are you thirsty? Are you tired and need some sleep? Be sure to take care of your basic needs before making any judgments about yourself and your capabilities. You may find that once you feel physically better, you will feel more equipped to handle external challenges.

Is self-care not working? I consulted a couple of mental health professionals on how to combat feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. Some of their tips included finding a source of validation or confidence boosting. It may seem like a bad thing, like fishing for compliments, but we, as human beings, crave and need validation from our peers. We're social animals! There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to say "good job" every now and then. A list of things that might help you get those moments of validation:

Is there something you know you're good at? Do a little of that! If that means drawing or dancing or sorting crayons, it doesn't matter as long as you feel good doing it.

Chat with a friend about your feelings, and you might find they feel the same way! If all of us feel that self-doubt, then maybe we're all wrong. We can't all be imposters, so look for that support and take comfort in knowing that you are not the odd one out.

Self-affirmation. This seems silly, and it's a common therapy tool, but it does work. Say to yourself what you want to believe about yourself, and eventually, you will. One self-affirmation that helps me with Imposter Syndrome and self-doubt: my achievements are real achievements. It's important to remind yourself that not only did you achieve something cool but that you did so because you are capable and not because you are fake. I'll let you in on a little secret; you can't fake success.

My final trick that may seem controversial: just ask. Everyone has felt self-doubt at one point or another. Find someone you trust and simply ask for validation. Your request can sound something like this: "I've been feeling down about my own capabilities recently. I trust you and your opinion and I was hoping you could give me some encouragement to keep going." I've found that writeblr is actually a GREAT place to find encouragement.

Rebuilding your confidence is a very personal task, and what works for one person won't always work for the next. For some people, the self-doubt goes away with a little work. For others, self-doubt can be persistent. Persistent, extreme feelings of self-doubt that result in depressive episodes or anxiety attacks may be symptoms of a larger mental health issue, and if these tips and tricks consistently fail, consider reaching out to a professional who can help you with the underlying cause of these negative feelings.

What about "fake it until you make it?"

"Fake it until you make it" is a common phrase used to encourage others with confidence issues, especially those of us who are younger or newer to an industry, craft, or hobby. In my personal experience, the usefulness of this phrase ebbs and flows with my own sense of self and my attitude toward my writing. This phrase can easily become misconstrued when a writer feels self-doubt. The purpose of this phrase is not to say that we are all imposters but that we can project confidence to others that we may not necessarily feel inside. That doesn't make you a phony. It helps you build yourself up.

Sometimes, this phrase is not so helpful. It's important to recognize that what we are faking is confidence, not competence. It is next to impossible to fake your own capabilities, but you can certainly fake a positive attitude. "Faking it" does not refer to faking success. It refers to faking unerring confidence and belief in oneself. "Making it" is about genuinely believing in yourself. You can "make it" to self-assured confidence by "faking" that confidence you want to have. In some ways, it's like a positive self-affirmation.

Conclusion

I'll repeat it here: you cannot fake success. Your achievements are real, your successes are real, and though sometimes it feels like luck, it was your skills that helped you reach your goals. Whether you believe in your skills or not, luck can only get you so far, you got yourself the rest of the way. Take pride in yourself, and remember, this feeling will pass.

– Indy

Sixty-One: Three of Cups (Reversed)

Let us recognise the beauty and power of true enthusiasm; and whatever we may do to enlighten ourselves and others, guard against checking or chilling a single earnest sentiment. -Henry Theodore Tuckerman, "New England Philosophy" in The Optimist: A Series of Essays

Mitfreude, nicht Mitleiden, macht den Freund (Fellowship in joy, not sympathy in sorrow, is what makes friends). -Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human

A community is the mental and spiritual condition of knowing that the place is shared, and that the people who share the place define and limit the possibilities of each other's lives. It is the knowledge that people have of each other, their concern for each other, their trust in each other, the freedom with which they come and go among themselves. -Wendell Berry, The Long-Legged House

As I collect the quotes for this blog, I put them into a document to make sure I'm not repeating them, and organise it by which theme they relate to. With this card, I notice that I now have three listed under "enthusiasm": the Ace of Wands, the Page of Wands, and now here, the Three of Cups. The trend of late, though, is that the cards have been Reversed. My enthusiasm, it seems, is flagging; but not for finishing this journey. Indeed, I've put my Japanese studies on partial hold, and I've not been streaming, because I'm devoting more of my scant energy that resides after work vampires the rest of it, to studying these last cards in the deck. I want the burden of this commitment off my back (in saying that, I wonder what the Ten of Wands will say when I get to it), and to finish this journey that I started too many years ago. I want to be in a position where I can do readings for others and feel knowledgeable in what I'm looking at, where I can look at a card and be confident in my intuition and draw the strings of reinforcement and opposition between positions in a spread. I've found myself at many a moment, especially lately, where I want to consult the cards, particularly for my friends, but not been able to do so lest I spoil the remaining lessons in the deck. In a way, this journey through the Tarot has also been a journey about learning not just the cards, but also myself, and that self-learning is something that I'm valuing, trying to achieve, in response to my energies and exuberance being siphoned off into the stresses of my workplace, my finances and my other concerns of late.

To come back to the Cups after so, so long, has almost been like stepping into unfamiliar territory. What's worse, is that I feel like the Three of Cups is a card with which I used to have a friendship, but now we have become estranged. I look at my handwritten notes about this card that I wrote years ago, and it seems to exude an air of over-confidence, an unwritten "You know this card already, you like this card, just work off those feelings". On reflection, though, I feel like that friendship may have been formed under false pretenses. Much like the Four of Swords, I had ascribed a particular meaning to it thanks to Fairchild's advice, and as I drew this card again and again for different people when I did my readings at FurDU ten years (!) ago, that meaning got reinforced. So Fairchild's words, verbatim, is where I will start with this analysis:

"People around you are seeking acknowledgement in the form of positive strokes or physical affection. Flexibility and adaptability will bring luck. Family problems will soon mellow."

While the mists of time have obscured some elements of the past, this description still stands out clearly in my head. The last two sentences I have to admit I regarded as "second tier meanings", and focused primarily on the first one. So when I introduced Bunning's themes of "exuberance", "friendship" and "community" to that "acknowledgement in the form of positive strokes or physical affection", nowhere in the world was that more true than at a furcon. Like I said, this card appeared again and again, typically in the environmental portions of the Celtic Cross spread. The other two sentences of Fairchild's prognosis also seemed to ring true with people moving forward when it would appear elsewhere. This card reinforced itself into this particular role in my mind, and here is where I would return to whenever it appeared.

But there's more to this card than just those happy feel-good moments surrounded by friends, and I feel like I was drawing my water from the top of the well of this card, laced with the sugary syrup that Fairchild added to it. Paschkis has drawn this card as being three bells ringing, their design similar to those round jingle bells I associate with Christmas decorations. I do find that strange, when friendship and community are also underlying themes of this card and the ones that I now associate with it more strongly — it's a very abstract take on those themes via celebration, and that's where I have to remember about exuberance. That theme still plays an important role, especially in discernment: the Four of Wands is, admittedly, one whose energies I tend to entangle with the Three of Cups by accident, but that card's more about the ceremony and celebration, about nest-building, while this card has a more spontaneous energy about it. According to Thirteen, although he has a focus on celebrations, being a Three it's all about growth and evolution, and improvisation: very much in line with that spontaneity. So if the Three of Pentacles is about growth of one's skills and material force to impress backers, then the Three of Cups is the growth of one's feelings and emotional force, through the attraction that is friendship. Fairchild's words of "positive strokes and physical affection" seems to suggest something a bit further, though, that of certain "benefits" so to speak, and my intuition has called that from time to time.

Going back to Bunning, she refers to this card specifically as part of a trio involving the Three of Pentacles and also the Hierophant, in relation to being in a group. If the Hierophant is about group identity, and the Three of Pentacles is about the group's task, then the Three of Cups has to do with the feeling of being in a group, of the emotional bonds between people. Hence, the heavy focus on community and friendship comes into play. Thirteen, though, focuses on a newer growth of emotional bonds; that is, he suggests a time where someone is introducing someone else to their circle, that they want their relationship to strengthen by taking that next step with them. Over at Biddy Tarot, Brigit really focuses on the friendship aspect and the joy that it brings, but also suggests a creative outlet via a group, such as an art or dance class; her interpretation is very feminine in nature.

So, now that I've seen where I've been with this card, and some of its deeper reaches, how does this all relate now in the Reversed? Do I jump into Fairchild once again with my ringing bells pointing upwards? In this case, usually I don't. Fairchild recommends to not let disappointments get one down, warns about jealousy clouding reason, and to "beware of overindulgence and depression". That last sentence does play into Thirteen and Brigit's take on the card, though, where both warn about partying too hard, drinking too much and taking drugs. So there's a big convergence on this point; yet, it is not what I feel the energy lies. I certainly have no time to party and indulge, yet overindulge. A celebration gone sour, according to Thirteen? No, there's no celebration at the moment; and that I think is the way in to what my intuition has found resonant. The energy right now is Blocked, and it's a fairly simple one at that. Brigit, as well as discussing alone time after being around others too much, moving on from a group, working alone due to a group stifling creativity, and a potential third person in a budding relationship, says that it's a sign of working too hard and being out of touch with friends and family. That's exactly what I feel right now, but steps are being taken to remedy it: an old friend is visiting sometime over the course of the next few days, I have a D&D session with some other friends next weekend, and I finally found the words to write in reply to my mother's email she sent me a couple of weeks ago. Brigit advises to let loose and not worry too much about the consequences, a very liberating recommendation at that; but, the card doubles as that warning against overindulgence. Even with that, I doubt I'm going to go that far...

So, I've plumbed the depths of this card and I've gained some new insights; but, like talking to an old friend after a long time, it's as if I've carried on some mutual understandings and even an in-joke here or there. While I didn't have the striking insights of the Four of Swords, this entry has been more of a re-familiarisation than a new discovery. As much as I want to sit in my friend's cozy home, the road calls once more, and the new territory is that of XIV: Temperance. She, too, is Reversed. This card is a strange one for me, and I feel that my extant notes are far too inadequate...

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Me: *thinks about tma characters* *has Many Feelings about tma characters* *most of my own and my favourite hcs for the cast from other people are asian* *thinks about my own trauma and issues* *thinks about tma characters -*

Me: ahahahaha what do you mean I'm projecting of course im not - HEY LOOK OVER THERE *grabs my hcs and runs*

burn for you

❝ if it were me courting you, all i would need is five minutes with you in a drawing room. ❞

PAIRING ▸ sim jaeyun x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut (minors dni), some fluff, regency (bridgerton) au, best friends to lovers

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, reader is a catch !! and jake is a rake (i thought i was so funny for that bye), bridgerton references, mutual pining, pure self-indulgence for my self-indulgent queen, sexual tension, corruption kink !!!! (your fav), oral (f. receiving), fingering, public sex, unprotected sex (bc i looked up what they used for birth control in the regency era and it was not sexy...... but pls wrap before u tap)

SUMMARY ▸ regency london’s competitive marriage market is no match for you, who brings suitors to their knees with a simple bat of your eyelashes. however, the issue is that you only care for your best friend, sim jaeyun, and your competition is a princess.

WORD COUNT ▸ 4015 words

PLAYLIST ▸ wildest dreams by duomo • vienna blood, op. 354 by johann strauss ii, eugene ormandy • young and beautiful - dh orchestral version by lana del rey

TAG LIST ▸ @msxflower​ @fiantomartell​ @baekhyunstruly​ @mykalon​ @heelariously​ @hobistigma​ @simplyxlea​ @wntrsgf​ @person-standing​ @ja4hyvn​ @dnyamight​ @candidupped​ @shmooooo​

AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ hello !! this fic is a present for @heetendo​ happy birthday fia ♡ ik ur a whore for jake and the regency era so i put them together for u in this little oneshot !! btw this was difficult to write bc i couldn’t consult my historical au expert :/

IT PISSED YOU OFF—THE WAY JAEYUN WAS BEING FUSSED OVER BY YOUR OWN MOTHER.

“A princess!” she gushed, hands pressed to her chest as if she was trying to calm her heartbeat. “Why, you would become a prince, then! Whatever was the reason for the princess deciding to marry down?”

You were sick of hearing the news over and over again. The Duke of Richmond, Sim Jaeyun, was being pursued by a princess—something that was absolutely bizarre and had the town buzzing with gossip. You were sure your best friend enjoyed being the talk of the town, however, and he indulged in how heads turned with both admiration and jealousy whenever he walked past.

You, on the other hand, were finding it hard to push down the jealousy you felt. All was fair in love and war, and especially during the season of courtship, but you found yourself outmatched once the princess made her appearance. Although, that didn’t mean that you were lacking this season; in fact, you had suitors lined up down the block.

Your mother was overjoyed by the amount of attention you had gotten, and she would spend her mornings answering calls and receiving flowers and gifts from the men who were trying to court you. You should’ve been happy; your future was secured with this. Even with the affections from the Duke of Bedford, Lee Heeseung, and the compliments from the Earl of Berkshire, Park Sunghoon, you still found yourself unsatisfied.

You didn’t want to get married if it wasn’t with Jaeyun.

Despite the both of you being from different social strata, you and Jaeyun had been best friends for most of your life. For you, your fondness for him had morphed into something deeper—something you read about once in a book.

They called it love. A drive so powerful and uncontrollable that you couldn’t even take hold of its reins. It wasn’t a choice you could make, because if it was, you never would’ve chosen someone you couldn’t have.

“I’m not sure,” Jaeyun answered your mother with a lighthearted laugh, adjusting the lapels of his coat as he checked himself out in your full-length mirror. “She’s quite lovely, though, isn’t she?” His eyes met yours for a brief moment before clarifying, “The princess, of course.”

You scoffed. “Mother, it’s obvious that the princess is only lusting after him because he’s a rake,” you said haughtily, turning your eyes away from your friend. “Also, isn’t it unbecoming for Jaeyun to be in my drawing room when a suitor could walk in at any moment?”

“I’m not a rake!” Jaeyun argued, though you caught the amused tug of his lips just in time.

“Y/N,” your mother chided, coming to your friend’s defense far too quickly, “you shouldn’t be calling Duke Sim such disparaging words.” She turned on her heel to walk out of the drawing room, sending you one last sharp look over her shoulder. “Please be courteous at the very least when he’s to become a prince.”

You let out a reserved sigh, resting your head on the arm of your loveseat. You felt so high-strung lately, and while part of it had to do with the stress of looking exquisite at the ball, another part was because you were dreading to see Jaeyun with the princess tonight. No matter whose arm you were holding onto, you longed for your best friend.

“Y/N,” Jaeyun called, that authoritative voice of his taking over. He tugged his cuffs over his wrists and took a seat right next to you. “What’s bothering you?”

You supposed you could get over Jaeyun eventually, but moments like these made it hard. He was so receptive of your emotions—so doting on your actions—that it made it hard for you to distance yourself from him. However, for the sake of your friendship, you would eventually have to let go so that you wouldn’t ruin his future with the princess.

“Nothing,” you lied smoothly. “I just need to look exquisite for the ball.” You stood up without sparing him a glance, walking over to your full-length mirror so that you could tighten the strings on the back of your emerald dress. “And you are a rake, by the way. No man in their right mind would sit around in a lady’s dressing room like this, especially when they have a princess trying to win their affections.”

“Consider me mad, then,” Jaeyun replied with a chuckle, walking over to you. You stilled when his hands brushed against yours, taking the strings from your fingers so he could tighten the strings for you. Your best friend sucked in a shallow breath. “And about the ball—you look beautiful.”

“You always say so,” you replied, “but I’d much prefer to hear that from someone actually courting me.” You fought down the urge to roll your eyes. “You don’t even dance with me at the balls.”

“You know I’ve always found you absolutely irresistible,” he muttered.

“Jaeyun—”

“Your suitors have been vying for your affections for months.” Vain as ever, the duke let out a scoff. “If it were me courting you, all I would need is five minutes with you in a drawing room.”

Your cheeks felt hot when you realized the implication of his words. The sexual undertones left you hyperaware of Jaeyun’s hands at your waist, pulling at your strings the same way he was tugging at your heart. You wondered if he could feel the tension that was making your head feel foggy, but Jaeyun just wore that sickeningly cocky smile on his face.

“Then what’s stopping you, Your Grace?” you whispered.

Your Grace. You had always called him by his name—Jaeyun. Never the formality.

The drawing room was completely silent, and you couldn’t even focus on whether you were breathing or not. Now, you were sure that he had felt the same tension you were feeling. Jaeyun’s hands were still for a moment before tying the back of your dress securely.

You couldn’t bring yourself to look into the mirror, to look at what expression was clouding over his face. Instead, your shyness was making you twiddle your fingers and find an interest in the color of the marble flooring.

A lightest gasp escaped your lips when you felt Jaeyun’s large hand slide across your waist, to your stomach, and then lower. Before you could find out what he’d do next, though, your mother knocked at the door and Jaeyun pulled away too quickly. Faster than it had happened.

“Y/N! Are you ready yet?” your mother called.

Trying to swallow down your strangled voice in exchange for a bolder one, you cried, “Yes, mother! I-I’ll be there in a second!”

You weren’t sure what you expected, but your best friend cleared his throat as you turned to face him. Without meeting your eyes, as if he was ashamed, Jaeyun bowed courteously. You were distraught by his sudden etiquette, feeling as if he was forcing some distance between you.

“I apologize,” he murmured, and when straightened, he headed for the door. “I’ll see you at the ball, Y/N.”

You just stared at the space where he once stood, hardly flinching when the door shut behind you. The ball. That sick feeling of jealousy twisted in your gut again; you had no idea how you would be able to withstand seeing Jaeyun and the princess tonight.

The queen’s ball was on a much grander scale compared to the other events you had been to. As you expected, the ballroom was the pinnacle of extravagance, extending its facilities into the royal gardens. You were caught up eyeing the pieces of artwork on the walls when your mother nudged your side, gesturing to the center of the room.

There you saw Jaeyun with the princess.

It was funny how seeing them together chipped at your heart, but you still felt butterflies whenever you saw that smile on your best friend’s face.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” your mother gushed. “You keep your chin up, though, my dear. Your beauty is unmatched tonight.”

You swallowed thickly and nodded. You did look rather divine tonight, especially with your family’s diamonds glittering on your neck for everyone to see. From where you were standing on the staircase, you could see several of your suitors with a competitive fire in their eyes, determined to be the first to dance with you.

However, all that attention dissipated when a chorus of gasps rose from the crowd. Your gaze flitted back to Jaeyun, who had rejected a dance from Your Highness herself. Although the princess took it gracefully, moving onto the next suitor who had eyes for her, Jaeyun’s unexpected refusal would be the talk of the town for months.

With a courteous bow, Jaeyun excused himself from the floor, retreating to the royal gardens. You wondered what had come upon him to act out in such a defamatory way.

You weren’t sure if there were people talking to you with your focus zeroed in on Jaeyun, but you glanced at your mother and said, “I’ll be right back, mother. I’m going to check on something.”

That something was your best friend, but you couldn’t tell anyone that you were sneaking into the gardens to see the duke. If anyone caught word of you both meeting privately, they would twist the affair into something scandalous and damage your family name.

The crowd had gone back to courting and dancing while you were sneaking away from your suitors and everyone else. You knew that things would turn sour if you were caught, but that didn’t stop you from looking for Jaeyun. The cool bite of the wind prickled goosebumps along your arms, but you walked through the gardens, trying to see if Jaeyun was hiding amongst the hedges.

“Jaeyun?” you called when you heard rustling along the path. “Your Grace?”

His sudden appearance from behind one of the arches got a yelp out of you, and you pressed a hand over your chest to ease your racing heart. While you were coming down from your shock, however, Jaeyun merely chuckled, amused.

“Since when did you start using ‘Your Grace’ for me, Y/N? I thought we had dropped such formalities,” he replied. Jaeyun let his gaze rack over your body, and you immediately felt self-conscious. “What are you doing out here? It’s dangerous for a lady to be caught like this with a suitor.”

“I came to look for you,” you explained. “Unbecoming as it is, I had to make sure you were okay.”

Jaeyun’s face turned stony. The piercing look in his eyes bore into you, but you couldn’t turn away, not even when he asked in the softest, most agonizing voice, “Why?”

Your voice was stilted. “Jaeyun?”

“I told the princess I couldn’t marry her,” Jaeyun started firmly, steely eyes never leaving yours. “I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t long to be with.”

“Then who do you long to be with?” you asked in a small voice, as if you were almost scared of the answer.

You took a step back when Jaeyun stepped forward, but then you stopped backing away and allowed him to come closer. His hands barely grazed your forearms, but the lingering warmth left you tingling all over. You looked up at the duke and aching desperation was all over his face.

“I long for you, Y/N,” he answered with fierceness and yearning behind his words. “I burn for you.”

Desire bloomed somewhere deep within you, but you forced yourself to tamp it down. Not here. Not now. Yet, with the way Jaeyun was looking at you, eyes glazing over with something darker, something more passionate, you feared you would succumb to him.  

His voice was cast low when he quickly added, “I wish not to make a public spectacle of this nor distract you from your suitors, so please pardon my words if they make you uncomfortable.”

“Are you stupid?” you asked, incredulous. Jaeyun looked at you, eyes wide with shock, and you continued on in a breathless voice, “Are you a blithering idiot, Sim Jaeyun? You can’t just—just say that and expect me to run back to my suitors.” You grabbed his coat by the lapels, drawing him closer so that the space between you two was rapidly diminishing. “You said that you'd just need five minutes in a drawing room alone to court me, so show me.”

“Y/N,” Jaeyun stuttered, trying to process your words. He let out a sharp exhale when you grabbed hold of him. “This is completely indecent, and you’re too… too pure.”

You frowned. “Pure?”

“You’re untouched—untainted,” Jaeyun explained, and you shivered when his hand brushed your waist. “You don’t know what the touch of a man can do to you.”

“I—I know of some things… such arousal and intimacy—of course, I’ve read and heard of them,” you answered, breath hitching when Jaeyun ran his hand down to your hip. “It’s just that I’ve never partaken in such… illicit activities.”

“Your dress is lovely,” Jaeyun started, and you felt absolutely lost with the sudden topic change, but he continued, “so turn around for me, my love. I don’t want to ruin it.”

“H-huh?” you asked, but nevertheless, you turned around.

You were immediately met with Jaeyun’s hands grabbing your hips, pulling your back flush against his body. Carefully, he slipped off his silk gloves and tucked them into the pocket of his waistcoat while you admired how long and pretty his fingers were. He gathered the fabric of your dress, sliding his hand under your skirt so that he could run his hand up your bare thigh.

Words were no longer something you could string together as Jaeyun slipped his hand into your underwear. All you could do was lean back against him and whimper as his fingers rubbed your clit in precise, deliberate circles. Pinpricks of pleasure burst across your skin as Jaeyun fingered that perfect spot.

“You’re soaked, my lady,” he almost growled, attacking your neck with love bites and kisses.

“Yes,” you croaked out, voice trembling with excitement. “God—Jaeyun, it feels so good.”

The pleasure was almost blinding. You still had a wisp of fear pitted deep in your gut, knowing that anyone could walk in on you two at any time. However, as Jaeyun’s motions became faster and more intense, the knot in your lower stomach was starting to build. You gasped softly when you felt the strong urgency for it to unravel.

“J-Jaeyun,” you stuttered, eyes half-lidded and heavy with lust. “Oh, something is happening—”

“Let it happen, my love,” he cut you off, sensing exactly what you were feeling. “I promise it will feel divine.”

The feeling surged forward, relentless as Jaeyun pushed you closer to the edge. It kept building, rising higher and higher in your throat. You were so overcome with pleasure, but it was the fear of being so exposed that was holding you back from letting go.

Jaeyun used his free hand to tilt your chin to look up at him, whispering, “I told you all I needed was five minutes with you alone.”

There.

You reached your breaking point then and there, hips stuttering as you felt waves of pleasure crash over you. Your arousal spilled all over Jaeyun’s fingers, but before you could cry out, he sealed his lips over yours and muffled your sweet moans.

The feeling subsided once Jaeyun pulled away to look at you, but you still felt the aftershocks of your orgasm like jolts. The duke spent a long, lingering moment taking in the way you looked, and he realized he wanted more. He wanted to how much more he could do if just his fingering brought upon that delectable, fucked-out expression on your face.

You didn’t need any verbal prompting when Jaeyun switched positions, getting in front of you and pushing you back against the stone arch. You were lost as Jaeyun knelt down in front of you, lifting up your skirt and tugging your underwear down. It all became so clear when he dragged his tongue along your folds, though.

You halted your whimpers by clamping a hand over your mouth. Jaeyun knew the consequences of being caught, but a twisted side of him wanted the castle to hear the sweet music that only he could get out of you. Each string he tugged of yours roused the most harmonious moans from your pretty lips.

You cried out when you felt his lips over your already-sore clit, sucking harshly on the ball of nerves. Your next bout of pleasure was coming fast due to his overstimulation, and your head was spinning when he snaked his tongue in your cunt.

His fingers replaced where his lips once were, rubbing your clit again as his tongue slid past your clenching walls. The feeling inside you was foreign, but your arousal was unmistakable. You felt yourself squirming as you were reaching your high once again.

You keened, back arching against the cool stone as Jaeyun brought you closer to the feeling from before. This time, you anticipated the tug, but when Jaeyun slipped his tongue out of you and stopped his motions, the promise of an orgasm slipped away.

You gawked at your best friend, but he just smirked.

“I want to take you, Y/N,” the duke explained in a husky voice, raising to his feet. “I want to show you how much I care for you.”

You had never felt this way. Your carnal needs had never been so strong, so urgent, and it horrified you that you wanted nothing more than for Jaeyun to take your virginity. It was outright indecent to do so in the Queen’s gardens, but you, too, burned for the duke.

“Take all of me,” you begged, shuddering when his hands came to caress your body. “Please, Your Grace.”

“My dear, you do not know the extent of my hunger for you,” he warned.

You took his hand and placed it over your breast, right where your heart was. “Do you understand now? Jaeyun, I am all yours.”

Jaeyun swooped in to kiss you again, this time with more intensity and lust overtaking his senses. With careful fingers, he tugged the strings from your corset and undid them just enough to reveal the cream chemise underneath. From there, he lowered his head to press hot, open-mouthed kisses across your chest.

The duke undid the buckle of his pants, tugging it down as he positioned himself between your legs. The skirt of your gown hid the indecency of your affair. Heat rose to your cheeks when you felt the hard length of his cock against your bare cunt.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked you, thumb stroking your cheek in a comforting manner.

You nodded and placed your hand over his. “Yes,” you whispered, “I need you.”

You supposed there was never hope for you to keep your moans in as Jaeyun slid into you. You could hardly hear his own groans as your walls hugged his cock, only focused on the way he felt inside of you. The stretch was uncomfortable at first, but when you adjusted to his size, the feeling morphed into something incredible.

The duke started with slow, shallow thrusts—something purely experimental to test the waters with you. All coherent thoughts vacated your mind, and you were left drowning in a molten sea as Jaeyun quickened his pace. Broken moans fell from your lips, but Jaeyun didn’t bother sealing your mouth with his. He loved the way you sang for him, encouraging more with gentle pecks to your neck.

You both were sweaty and spent, but neither of you could break your gaze as you brought each other closer and closer. The cool chill of the evening was the only thing keeping you two grounded.

“God, Jaeyun!” you cried, hips bucking as he pounded into you mercilessly, inciting a lewd fuck from the duke’s mouth.

Jaeyun’s eyes, clouded over with lust, cleared for a moment and caught you by surprise. Despite his relentless thrusts, there was so much care and sentiment in his eyes.

“I love you, Y/N.”

You sobbed out as your orgasm crept up on you by surprise, overtaking your senses and making the world blur into nothing but Jaeyun. He continued his thrusts until he, too, was cumming, and aided you by working you all the way through your orgasm. The weight of his confession settled as you came down from your high, and it was a comfortable reassurance that whatever you felt for him was real.

It was silent as Jaeyun tied your corset again and fixed his pants. You helped him slip his gloves back on. Like this was your own private dance, he bowed courteously before slipping away before anyone could see you two alone in the gardens.

You heard the toll of a bell from the castle, but all that rang in your head was that Sim Jaeyun loved you.

Something plagued you days after the ball.

It was eating at you, consuming your every thought as you spoke listlessly to your suitors and entertained their affections. Your mother didn’t ask what happened when you went to find Jaeyun, but made up the excuse that you were feeling ill when you were bombarded with questions from several men.

All you could think about, though, was that you never said those three words back to Jaeyun.

You didn’t realize how wounded you felt over it until you were laying in bed, thinking how you might have possibly ruined your chance with the duke because he thought his affections weren’t returned. You moped around for days, wondering if you had ruined things between you and Jaeyun, if he thought you had taken his words for granted.

You didn’t grasp the impact of Jaeyun’s words when he said he burned for you, but now, you were starting to understand it for yourself. It wasn’t like you had seen him every day before, but not seeing him for days had you longing for him.

You hadn’t seen him since the ball, actually, until he was knocking at the door of your drawing room, a bouquet of flowers in hand.

“Ah, Your Grace,” your mother greeted cordially. The look in her eyes showed that she was concerned about what happened between him and the princess. “Are you here to see Y/N?”

“I’m here to court her, madam,” Jaeyun clarified, and you heard several gasps in the room, noticeably from your mother and the maids. “If you don’t mind.”

“Oh… oh, yes—of course,” your mother simpered, urging the maids to leave you two alone in the drawing room. She sent you a coy smile as she left; meanwhile, you were trying to calm your racing heartbeat.

Jaeyun set the flowers on your table, walking closer to you. Memories of the previous night flooded your head, and you felt hot just thinking about Jaeyun close to you again. However, the look in his eyes showed utmost sincerity.

“Do you love me, Y/N?” the duke asked.

“I do not know what love is,” you answered truthfully, but for someone so unsure, you felt like everything had clicked in the moment, “yet, if what I feel for you right now is love, then I must love you deeply, Jaeyun.”

A heartstopping smile broke across his face, and your heart swelled with admiration. Your best friend came even closer, hands coming up to hold your arms.

“Then let me court you properly,” he insisted, “and dance with you at every ball.”

And he danced with you at the next ball. And the one after that. Each one until he puts a ring on your finger.

Hello!! I hope you did well on your exams!

Also, I'm here for a prompt. Can I get,

Angst. no.14- Childe, Xiao, Diluc (can this be an angst but with a happy ending, or maybe I'm asking too much? Sorry I have a weak heart, but I still love angst). Thank you! (• ◡ •)

REGRETS

★ Includes: Childe / Tartaglia, Xiao, Diluc, GN reader, angst to fluff, "Can you shut up for once in your life" prompt from my event

★ Word Count: 2751

★ Master List

★ 100 FOLLOWERS EVENT

★ Notes: Heyo! I hope I did, though it doesn't feel like it T-T... Thank you for the request! This prompt was so much fun to write ahhh

CHILDE

★ The harbinger had a ton of work piled on him by the Tsaritsa, which was beginning to take its toll. Normally he was on top of his job, being productive every day, but now it was getting a little too much and it was beginning to stress him out.

★ You decided to help him with some of the easier and less dangerous tasks, hoping to ease some of the weight off of his shoulders, but you felt as though your assistance wasn’t wanted.

The treasure hoarders you had been tracking for hours finally made a stop for a rest. You and your partner hid behind a rock, listening in to their conversations to get the information that the cryo archon wanted. He had only agreed to let you come because he didn’t intend for any confrontation, and two pairs of ears were always better than one in this situation.

You turned to look behind you, making sure the coast was clear. Coming up over the hill was another group of treasure hoarders, directly in your line of sight. They were going to approach and see you, blowing your cover.

“Childe,” You hissed in a whisper, tugging on his sleeve. Despite your worry and obvious need to talk to him, he ignored you, leaning in closer to listen to his targets.

“Childe!” You tried again a little louder, watching as the treasure hoarders drew closer each second.

“Can you shut up for once in your life?” Your partner turned back to look at you. Where the words wouldn’t have necessarily hurt you, the glare of pure hatred that followed threatened to shatter your heart.

“Hey!” The treasure hoarders that you had spied called, drawing their weapons and running towards you. You drew your weapon as the other enemies you had been watching became alerted to your presence.

Flashing the harbinger an annoyed I-told-you-so look, you charged into battle, heading towards the smaller group to take some of them out. Behind you, you heard Childe do the same, targeting the main group of treasure hoarders instead.

★ The battle was tiresome but not exactly long due to your partner’s excellent fighting skills. It was also made easier by the ambush advantage the two of you had.

★ When the fighting was over, you both began to walk home. Whenever Childe tried to make conversation, you ignored him, keeping an awkward silence.

★ As you got home, you only cleaned yourself up a little and put your weapon away before heading out to Liyue Harbour to get some fresh air, hoping that another long walk would clear your mind.

Perhaps you were being too tough with Childe. He only wanted you to be quiet so he could hear the information being said, nothing more. But did he have to do it in such a mean way? You were only trying to warn him that your cover was going to be blown.

You strolled around Liyue, visiting some shops and seeing some friends in hopes to cheer you up. Even the consultant at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, who your partner seemed to be good friends with, tried to console you about your problem, saying that Childe likely didn’t mean it.

Doing this, you lost track of time, only realising when you looked to the dimming sky.

“Y/N?” You heard Childe call in the distance, panic laced through his voice. Was he okay? What was going on?

You rushed over to his location, placing a hand on his back. “Are you-”

You were cut off by Childe placing his hands on either side of your face and kissing you, then pulling you into a hug. “You’re still here,” he murmured into your neck, his arms tightening around you. He’d likely used his fatui agents to get your general location.

“What? Where did you think I was?” You returned the hug, happy that his worries were now dissipating.

“You looked mad at me, so I thought you’d just left me and you would never return.” He breathed in deeply, taking in your scent that he loved so much. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Your arms dropped to your sides, the memories of what he had done returning. “I am still mad at you.”

Childe pulled back from the hug, still keeping you close by resting his hands on your shoulders. “I’m truly sorry for talking to you like that today, I never want to do that again. I was just stressed and trying to finish the mission so I could spend the rest of the day with you. You were just trying to warn me of the treasure hoarders approaching us, that was a good thing to do.”

You nodded, understanding where he was coming from. “I forgive you.”

The beaming smile that appeared on his lips made your heart flutter in your chest. “Thank you.” He tugged on your arm leading you towards some of the restaurants. “Come on, let me take you out for dinner.”

XIAO

★ The two of you had set off early that morning as the adeptus had sensed some karma affected hilichurls in the area that he wanted to deal with. You had offered to help as you didn’t have any commissions that day and you wanted to spend your time with your partner.

★ However, as the day progressed and the more you searched, you couldn’t seem to find any of the enemies he thought he knew the whereabouts of, leaving him in a sour mood.

★ You headed home after searching for nearly the whole day, and to make matters even worse, the lift at Wangshu Inn was broken, forcing you to climb the stairs all the way up.

“Can’t you just teleport us up to the top with your adeptus powers?” You whined, your shoulders slumped and your feet dragging against the wooden panels. Your body ached from all the walking you had been doing, you hadn’t even stopped for a break as Xiao had wanted to find something to hunt down.

“No,” he snapped in reply, walking in front of you with his arms crossed. “It’s good for your muscles. Quit complaining.”

The adeptus felt his eye twitch in annoyance. He loved you, he really did. But when you had been talking to him for the whole journey back when all he wanted to do was reflect on his mistakes in solitude, he was beginning to grow a little tired of you.

“But Xiao,” you whimpered then sighed in frustration. “How will it be good for my muscles when they’ve already had the most gruelling workout in their lifetime?”

“Can you shut up for once in your life? All you do is talk.” He stormed off ahead of you, taking the stairs two at a time to get away, leaving you standing still.

What had just happened? Sure, you were complaining a little too much, but did he have to be so harsh about it? He was harsh by nature, that was just the way he worked, but as the two of you grew closer, this shield had shattered to reveal his true caring personality. Why had he reverted to his previous self?

You continued after him, not as fast as you were prepared to give him a little space to cool off, but you still wanted an explanation soon. There was also the fact that your tired legs couldn’t even comprehend the thought of chasing after him.

As you walked on, the wooden panels beneath you began to creak. Thinking nothing of it, you ignored it, trying to come up with something to say to Xiao.

All of a sudden, one of the panels broke from under you, making you cry out in surprise and reach out in hopes to grab onto the bannister. You missed, your fingertips just grazing your safety.

With a scream you flailed in the air, panic consuming you. This was your end, after hoping you’d die valiantly in battle with your partner by your side, this was it. You’d die by falling.

Xiao had nearly made it to the top of the inn when he heard a scream sound from below him. At first, he thought nothing of it, assuming it to be one of the guests creating a lot of noise, but it felt familiar to him. It was something he often heard in his dreams, begging for your cries of pain and fear not to come true. It was you.

Without a second thought, he dashed over the edge of the inn and searched for you. He found you with tears streaming down your face, plummeting towards the ground, he didn’t have long left until you hit it.

With all the power he could muster, using his anemo vision to curve the wind so he could fall faster than you were, he dived after you, hoping that he wouldn’t be too late.

You closed your eyes, bracing yourself for impact. This was it. You wished Xiao could find it in him to forgive you for leaving him so soon.

Arms wrapped around your waist and back, pulling you close to a warm body. For a moment you were still falling and then in the next, you were on solid ground again, still clinging on to your saviour.

“Why didn’t you call my name?” The adeptus growled, still holding onto you too. He tried to hide the shaking of his hands, but you could still clearly notice it.

“You told me to be quiet, so I did,” you murmured, feeling ashamed for saying such a thing. It had been a life or death situation. If he hadn’t heard your fall you’d been a goner. But to be truthful, the thought hadn’t even crossed your mind. You’d been too busy panicking about your sudden demise.

“Look,” he began, his voice full of anger at both himself and you, “I’m sorry for saying that to you. It wasn’t right of me. But you can’t just let some petty thing get in the way of your safety, okay?”

You nodded, burying your face into his neck so you could calm your racing heart from its fall.

★ The two of you stayed there embraced in each other’s arms, not caring which guests had made it their business to stare at you.

★ You were safe. That was all that mattered. Xiao refused to think of an alternative.

DILUC

★ The Darknight Hero of Mondstadt had finally found some tracks of multiple abyss mages that he was following, after searching for so long.

★ As you knew how important this was to him, you offered to come along to act as another set of eyes. While he was checking the more obscure clues, you could watch out to see if you were walking straight into them.

★ He accepted your help, knowing that he would be there to defend you (even though he didn’t like the thought of putting you in danger in the first place) and it would help track the mages faster.

Diluc knelt on the ground, carefully looking for the elemental residue that the abyss left while you stood behind him, looking out and explaining your past experience with the group. If you did so, maybe it would give him more clues as to what exactly they were trying to do.

“When they attacked me a while back they were searching for some sort of mechanical component. I think they talked about some eye maybe? Anyways,” you continued to talk, not noticing the way your partner’s jaw clenched as he tried his hardest to search for the tracks he needed.

His hands clenched as he concentrated, attempting to zone you out of his mind.

“They were searching for it in ruin guards, so if we can get close enough to their location we can lure them in by-”

“Can you shut up for once in your life?” Diluc spat, his tone incredibly harsh, not turning around from where he was crouched down.

You were taken aback, shutting your mouth instantly. He was never like this. The man was always calm and collected, never as fiery as his vision suggested. Did he not want you to be here? Had he just let you tag along because you’d be upset otherwise? So, now you were just a nuisance in his way.

If that was what he wanted, you were in no place to deny him of that.

★ Silently leaving his side, you walked back the way you came until you reached the Dawn Winery.

★ The maids questioned why you had come back alone, asking if their master needed any help, picking up on your sad mood. You told them he was fine, he just didn’t need you, and then sat by the fireplace.

★ He couldn’t have meant it, right? You were just overanalysing his words too much. You had to be.

“I think they’re in this direction,” Diluc called out to you pointing towards a thick canopy of trees. After you’d given him some quiet, he had been able to concentrate on his elemental sight, figuring out where they went. However, when he turned around to wait for your response, he found that you weren’t there.

“Y/N?” He shouted, getting up and looking around for any sign of where you could be. When he came to the conclusion that you were gone, panic set in. The abyss mages must have gotten to you while he was too focused on their tracks.

Grabbing his claymore, he set off in the direction he had just discovered they were in, anger filling his veins. If you were injured or worse, he’d kill them all. He would slaughter every last one of them.

★ He searched all day, not stopping for breaks, until he could hardly walk anymore. The moon already shone in the sky and there was still no sight nor sign of you.

★ That was when he decided to head back home to gather up some more people for a search party. You couldn’t be gone, not just like that.

You woke from where you had fallen asleep on the couch, the fire likely kept alight by the maids, you could hear a loud commotion happening by the entrance. Standing and making your way over, to your partner shouting orders.

“I need you to,” he swallowed his pride, shaking his head to get his thoughts straight. “I need you to contact the Knights and get them to arrange a search party as soon as they possibly can. Y/N, they’re…” He couldn’t bring himself to say the words.

“Diluc?” You called from where you stood, quickly walking over to comfort your partner in his dishevelled state. “What’s wrong?” If he was getting the knights involved, it must have been pretty serious. He would usually stay as far away from them as he could.

“Y/N!” He flung himself onto you, picking you up and bringing you close to him, squeezing the life out of you. Diluc didn’t care who was watching, even when he tried to keep affection to the audience of just the two of you, needing to feel you to convince himself you were okay.

You tapped his shoulder to get him to loosen his grasp before you suffocated. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Hugging him back, you rubbed circles on his back, knowing that it usually calmed him down.

“You.” He pulled back from your embrace, cupping your face in his hands. “I thought you had been taken by the abyss mages. Why didn’t you tell me you had left? I wouldn’t have minded.” The lingering tears in his eyes made them sparkle unnaturally.

The memories of earlier appeared fresh in your mind, especially the hurt you had felt. You pouted. “Well, it didn’t seem like you wanted me there, so I left. You wanted quiet, so I didn’t say anything.”

He hung his head in shame at his own actions, holding you tightly once more. “I’m so sorry, my love. Please forgive me for my harsh words. I just wanted to find those mages, think nothing of it. Now all I wish for is for you to be safe.”

You smiled warmly, inwardly cursing yourself for making your partner so stressed. “I forgive you, and I also apologise for not informing you that I was leaving. That was a bad move on my part.”

★ Diluc abandoned his Darknight Hero duties for the night, refusing to leave your side. He’d work to make sure he never upset you in such a way ever again.

The Lady of the Autumn Court: what the fuck is happening in Autumn (part 2)

As I said in my Eris Vanserra post, it seems that the Lady of the Autumn Court is a bigger piece to the Eris and Lucien puzzles.

We don't know what the fuck has been happening in the Forest House but we do the following:

The Lady of the Autumn Court is/was extremely powerful

Lucien (and to some extent Eris) are mama's boys (even though Lucien has been exiled for centuries)

The Lady met Helion before she was married to Beron

At least one of the seven brothers - Lucien - is Helion's child, but Helion saved the Lady after she had already had some kids (so Eris probably isn't his, even though they both have amber eyes)

The Lady chose to stay with Beron

Beron is aware of the affair between Helion and the Lady

Beron is physically abusive towards the Lady and had tortured Eris

Helion does not know Lucien is his heir, but Eris seems to know Lucien isn't Beron's son

Things that aren't mentioned below the cut, but are interesting:

Eris is the ringleader of the brothers, the commander of Beron's forces, and is Beron's most trusted son (the other three don't even have names)

In ACOWAR, Eris says has never denied Beron anything - except to save Lucien - but is angling for the throne and betraying him in ACOFAS and ACOSF (this reminds me of Lorcan betraying Maeve for her own good in TOG)

Beron wanted to kill Lucien for wanting to leave Autumn and marry Jesminda (this doesn't seem like a good reason if he isn't in line for the throne - or isn't part of their bloodline, but I guess Beron doesn't need a reason to be cruel)

Helion alludes to having trouble at home in ACOSF

The remaining unnamed brothers are all angling for the throne (this reminds me of the Khaganate in TOG and the Cruel Prince)

I got a little carried away with the color coding, but here's every major scene involving and discussing the Lady of the Autumn Court (and some breadcrumbs because I'm convinced SJM is purposeful in her writing)

Rhysand uses the Lady of the Autumn Court taunt Lucien in ACOTAR:

Rhysand’s venom-coated smile grew. “You draw blood from me, Lucien, and you’ll learn how quickly Amarantha’s whore can make the entire Autumn Court bleed. Especially its darling Lady.” The color leached from Lucien’s face, but he held his ground. It was Tamlin who answered. “Put your sword down, Lucien.” Rhysand ran an eye over me. “I knew you liked to stoop low with your lovers, Lucien, but I never thought you’d actually dabble with mortal trash.” My face burned. Lucien was trembling—with rage or fear or sorrow, I couldn’t tell. “The Lady of the Autumn Court will be grieved indeed when she hears of her youngest son. If I were you, I’d keep your new pet well away from your father.”

The Lady of the Autumn Court also helps Feyre with one of her tasks:

A door clicked open somewhere down the hall, and I shot to my feet. An auburn head peered at me. I sagged with relief. Lucien— Not Lucien. The face that turned toward me was female—and unmasked. She looked perhaps a bit older than Amarantha, but her porcelain skin was exquisitely colored, graced with the faintest blush of rose along her cheeks. Had the red hair not been indication enough, when her russet eyes met mine, I knew who she was. I bowed my head to the Lady of the Autumn Court, and she inclined her chin slightly. I supposed that was honor enough. “For giving her your name in place of my son’s life,” she said, her voice as sweet as sun-warmed apples. She must have been in the crowd that day. She pointed at the bucket with a long, slender hand. “My debt is paid.” She disappeared through the door she’d opened, and I could have sworn I smelled roasting chestnuts and crackling fires in her wake.

Rhys (while wearing the mask of hte High Lord) uses her to taunt Lucien again in ACOMAF:

“Little Lucien,” Rhys purred. “Didn’t the Lady of the Autumn Court ever tell you that when a woman says no, she means it?”

“Prick,” Lucien snarled, storming past his sentinels, but not daring to touch his weapons. “You filthy, whoring prick.”

Lucien explaining how he was treated since Beron may suspect he's Helion's heir and as we know from Tamlin: future high lords have physical markers:

His jaw tightened. “As the youngest of seven sons, I wasn’t particularly needed or wanted. Perhaps it was a good thing. I was able to study for longer than my father allowed my brothers before shoving them out the door to rule over some territory within our lands, and I could train for as long as I liked, since no one believed I’d be dumb enough to kill my way up the long list of heirs. And when I grew bored with studying and fighting … I learned what I could of the land from its people. Learned about the people, too.”

“I’d say that sounds more High-Lord-like than the life of an idle, unwanted son.”

A long, steely look. “Did you think it was mere hatred that prompted my brothers to do their best to break and kill me?”

This may not relate to the Lady of the Autumn Court's relationship with Helion, but I'm gathering all the crumbs (why does Eris hesitate before calling his brothers brothers?)

“You hunted me down like an animal,” I cut in. “I think we’ll choose to believe the worst.”

Eris’s pale face flushed. “I was given an order. And sent to do it with two of my … brothers.”

Eris has no love for Beron (he literally asks Rhys to kill him), but he does seem to protect the Lady during the High Lord's Meeting:

“If you want proof that we are not scheming with Hybern,” Rhysand said blandly to them all, “consider the fact that it would be far less time-consuming to slice into your minds and make you do my bidding.”

Only Beron was stupid enough to scoff. Eris was just angling his body in his chair—blocking the path to his mother.

Helion and Lady of Autumn lock eyes:

The violence simmering off my friends was enough to boil the pool at our toes as the High Lord of Autumn filed through the archway, his sons in rank behind him, his wife—Lucien’s mother—at his side. Her russet eyes scanned the room, as if looking for that missing son.

They settled instead on Helion, who gave her a mocking incline of his dark head. She quickly averted her gaze.

The High Lords discuss the past war:

(also reminder: Eris has Amber Eyes like Helion)

Helion shrugged, the sun catching in the embroidered gold thread of his tunic. “Indeed, though it seems Tamlin is already ahead of me. The Spring Court must be evacuated.” His amber eyes darted between Tarquin and Beron. “Surely your northern neighbors will welcome them.”

Beron’s lip curled. “We do not have the resources for such a thing.”

“Right,” Viviane said, “because everyone’s too busy polishing every jewel in that trove of yours.”

Beron threw her a glare that had Kallias tensing. “Wives were invited as a courtesy, not as consultants.”

Viviane’s sapphire eyes flared as if struck by lightning. “If this war goes poorly, we’ll be bleeding out right alongside you, so I think we damn well get a say in things.”

“Hybern will do far worse things than kill you,” Beron counted coolly. “A young, pretty thing like you especially.”

Kallias’s snarl rippled the water in the reflection pool, echoed by Mor’s own growl.

Beron smiled a bit. “Only three of us were present for the last war.” A nod to Rhys and Helion, whose face darkened. “One does not easily forget what Hybern and the Loyalists did to captured females in their war-camps. What they reserved for High Fae females who either fought for the humans or had families who did.” He put a heavy hand on his wife’s too-thin arm. “Her two sisters bought her time to run when Hybern’s forces ambushed their lands. The two ladies did not walk out of that war-camp again.” Helion was watching Beron closely, his stare simmering with reproach.

The Lady of the Autumn Court kept her focus on the reflection pool. Any trace of color drained from her face. Dagdan and Brannagh flashed through my mind—along with the corpses of those humans. What they’d done to them before and after they’d died

After Nesta makes her speech:

She looked to Beron and his family as she finished. Only the Lady and Eris seemed to be considering—impressed, even, by the strange, simmering woman before them.

After Azriel attacks Eris:

Beron struck—only for his fire to bounce off a hard barrier of my own. I lifted my gaze to the High Lord of Autumn. “That’s twice now we’ve handed you your asses. I’d think you’d be sick of the humiliation.”

Helion laughed

---

Eris, wisely, averted his eyes. And said, “Apologies, Morrigan.”

His father actually gawked at the words. But something like approval shone on the Lady of Autumn’s face as her eldest son settled himself once more.

Thesan rubbed his temples. “This does not bode well.”

But Helion smirked at his retinue, crossing an ankle over a knee and flashing those powerful, sleek thighs. “Looks like you owe me ten gold marks.”

Feyre loses her shit:

Beron shielded barely fast enough to block me, but the wake singed Eris’s arm—right through the cloth. And the pale, lovely arm of Lucien’s mother.

---

The Lady of Autumn was clutching her arm, angry red splattered along the moon-white skin. No glimmer of pain on that face, though. I said to her as I reclaimed my seat, “I’m sorry.”

Her eyes lifted toward mine, round as saucers.

Beron spat, “Don’t talk to her, you human filth.”

Helion tells the story of the Affair:

Helion tapped a finger against the carved arm of his couch. “He played games in the War and it cost him—dearly. His people still remember those choices—those losses. His own damn wife remembers.”

Helion had looked at the Lady of Autumn repeatedly during the meeting. I asked, carefully and casually, “What do you mean?”

--

Helion’s jaw clenched. “The Lady of the Autumn Court was sent to stay with her sisters, her younger children packed off to other relatives. To spread out the bloodline.” He dragged a hand through his sable hair. “Hybern attacked their estate. Her sisters bought her time to run. Not because she was married to Beron, but because they loved each other. Fiercely. She tried to stay, but they convinced her to go. So she did—she ran and ran, but Hybern’s beasts were still faster. Stronger. They cornered her at a ravine, where she became trapped atop a ledge, the beasts snapping at her feet

--

Helion didn’t so much as shift in his chair. “She was still young—though she’d been married to that delightful male for nearly two decades. Married too young, the marriage arranged when she was twenty.”

---

But it was Mor who said coolly, “I heard a rumor once, Helion, that she waited before agreeing to that marriage. For a certain someone who had met her by chance at an equinox ball the year before.”

I tried not to blink, not to let any of my rising interest surface.

The fire banked to embers and Helion threw a half smile in Mor’s direction. “Interesting. I heard her family wanted internal ties to power, and that they didn’t give her a choice before they sold her to Beron.”

--

“How long did the affair last?” I asked. That withdrawn female … I couldn’t imagine it.

Helion snorted. “Is that a polite question for a High Lady to be asking?”

But the way he spoke, that smile … I only waited, using silence to push him instead.

Helion shrugged. “On and off for decades. Until Beron found out. They say the lady was all brightness and smiles before that. And after Beron was through with her … You saw what she is.”

“What did he do to her?”

“The same things he does now.” Helion waved a hand. “Belittle her, leave bruises where no one but him will see them.”

I clenched my teeth. “If you were her lover, why didn’t you stop it?” The wrong thing to say. Utterly wrong, by the dark fury that rippled across Helion’s face.

“Beron is a High Lord, and she is his wife, mother of his brood. She chose to stay. Chose. And with the protocols and rules, Lady, you will find that most situations like the one you were in do not end well for those who interfere.

I didn’t back down, didn’t apologize. “You barely even looked at her today.”

“We have more important matters at hand.”

“Beron never called you out for it?”

“To publicly do so would be to admit that his possession made a fool of him. So we continue our little dance, these centuries later.” I somehow doubted that beneath that roguish charm and irreverence, Helion felt it was a dance at all.

But if it had ended centuries ago, and she’d never seen him again, had let Beron treat her so abominably …

The Lucien Paternity Revelation:

While we spoke, I said down the bond, Helion is Lucien’s father. Rhys was silent. Then— Holy burning hell. His shock was a shooting star between us.

I let my gaze dart through the room, half paying attention to Helion’s musing on the wall and how to repair it, then dared study the High Lord for a heartbeat. Look at him. The nose is the same, the smile. The voice. Even Lucien’s skin is darker than his brothers’. A golden brown compared to their pale coloring.

It would explain why his father and brothers detest him so much—why they have tormented him his entire life.

My heart squeezed at that. And why Eris didn’t want him dead. He wasn’t a threat to Eris’s power—his throne. I swallowed. Helion has no idea, does he?

It would seem not.

The Lady of Autumn’s favorite son—not only from Lucien’s goodness. But because he was the child she’d dreamed of having … with the male she undoubtedly loved.

Beron must have discovered the affair when she was pregnant with Lucien.

He likely suspected, but there was no way to prove it—not if she was sharing his bed, too. Rhys’s disgust was a tang in my mouth. I have no doubt Beron debated killing her for the betrayal, and even afterward. When Lucien could be passable as his own of spring—just enough to make him doubt who had sired his last son.

I wrapped my head around it. Lucien not Beron’s son, but Helion’s. His power is flame, though. They’ve mused Beron’s title could go to him.

His mother’s family is strong—that was why Beron wanted a bride from their line. The gift could be hers.

You never suspected?

Not once. I’m mortified I didn’t even consider it.

What does this mean, though?

Nothing—ultimately nothing. Other than the fact that Lucien might be Helion’s sole heir

Working with Planetary Days

I hope it is okay that I share this excerpt from my Newsletter this month. It feels right/good to share this on Jupiter's day. Often times, I feel stuck in one place. I don't know how to move on from tasks or I struggle with even starting my day. I wanted to take the time to create an outline of options/ideas/tasks I can do based on the ruling planet for each day of the week. I think that once upon a time, College made me decide that Sundays were the days to get so much done, organize, plan, "catch up" etc- Friday and Saturday's were for indulging and forgetting about responsibilities, monday's were pure panic. Had I attuned to the energy of the days (and diving in deeper, planetary hours, which we will talk about next time) I may have navigated the days and my energy a lot better. Now I am a social worker, mental health practitioner and (baby) astrologer, trying to find the balance between self and others; solitude and socialization; responsibility and creativity; structure and response; Spirituality and Practicality; physical energy and mental energy and emotional energy; work and being still. The purpose of this 'outline' is to provide guidance, inspiration and direction on how to intentionally use our time, more so our Day to our energetic/celestial benefit.  Stick around as I go over the days of the week. Monday-Lunes (Moon)- Wake up late (if you can) Express gratitude (aloud or in a journal/safe space) DEEP stretch (to your ability, if you experience a disability/limitation, I encourage DEEP breathing, belly breathing) Use 'Herbs' (Whatever this means to you) and slow, smooth music (Alternative, R&B, Country, Blues, Jazz, Instrumental, Waves, Sound Bowl if you have one) Drink your coffee/tea/tonic/elixir/etc in one spot. Don't move until you are finished with your cup. Take a drive for no reason or take the scenic route to your destination/appointment/work/home/etc. Either have comfort food or light eating (Whichever your body calls for that day) IF you have a healthy relationship with Home: Call Home or friend or anyone you can be safe with. Water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water Snuggle up with a comfort item. Practice affirmations. Tell someone you love them (or something of the sort) Tuesday-Martes (Mars)- If you are able, take a walk; pilates; yoga; Tai Chi; dance. If you experience limitations or live with a disability, move to your capacity (bobbing your head to music, stretching upper body, deep breathes, chair exercises, rotating feet/ankles, whatever you are comfortable with. I am able bodied so may be ignorant to the options here-PLEASE educate me if you can think of anything further that those limited can engage in Mars like energy). Earthing Face Masks/Steaming/Scrub Hair Masks/Deep cleaning/Salt scrub Tend to yard work (if applicable and if able) Laundry (ALL OF IT, that means cleaning, drying and folding too LOL) Any tasks you have been putting off, focus on these first. Create a to do lists, categorized by home; office/work; spirit; business, etc. Clean your Spiritual tools Clean the space you spend the most time in Work or be outside if you can. Just get out of your usual environment if possible. Brainstorming. Go to bed early if you can. Wednesday-Miercoles (Mercury) Read 10-30 minutes (Of course more if you have the time and/or attention span😉) Journal 10-30 minutes, let it flow if you can. Create or engage in Minor to do lists Create a grocery list Fill out calendar for appointments or obligations- review your planner/calendar/schedule in general Work on your budget Respond to/Send emails-Respond to/make phone calls Work on/Send out Newsletter(s) Take notes on your readings Delete emails, clear voicemail box, go through paper mail Schedule meetings on this day talk to Spirit Ask questions-exchange information Watch a documentary or informative series Grab dinner or a drink with friends Paying attention to car maintenance may work well on this day as well (schedule an oil change/car wash/fill tank/etc) Learn something new Interact with/engage with your environment (if possible, for ex: walk around your neighborhood, smile at a neighbor; if you have the space work in your kitchen/living room instead of your office; if you're working in an office, see if there is a conference room available instead of your "cube") Get a massage/self massage (if possible/applicable) Turn your phone off, or notifications off before bed. Thursday-Jueves (Jupiter) Sleep in if you can Express Gratitude (out loud or in a journal or safe space) Pray Charge and/or cleanse crystals Take a salt bath/shower Soak your feet (if you can, get an Ionized foot bath) Take one risk today, walk by faith not by sight today Get out of your comfort zone (this will look different for everyone) Buy something you've been saving for or start saving for something Try something new Water your damn plants and/or talk/sing to them Play games (board games, phone games, computer games, video games) Watch a comedy Spell work and rituals Try a new tea or elixir Consult with a friend, guide, therapist, energy worker, etc Friday-Viernes (Venus) Make up, moisturize, hair spray/gel, rings, necklaces, perfume, heels, slacks, corsets, glasses, nail polish- WHATEVER you have to put on your bodythat'ss an extra step than usual-Do it! Indulge in your first (or last) meal today Walk (or drive) somewhere scenic/beautiful Watch the sunrise or sunset. Or catch the moonlight Practice your love language with yourself or with others "Love" yourself (hint hint, wink wink) Make your "space" pretty (this can be your bedroom, living room, kitchen, garden, car, this can be social media platforms, journals) BUMP or BLAST some music Make a playlist Aromatherapy, cleanse or charge your Tools, talk to friends/family, set boundaries and don't do anything you don't want to today (if possible 😉) paint, draw, read, shop, write Take a picture (of you or something/someone beautiful) Saturday-Sabado (Saturn) Start a to do list for today and especially for the week ahead Take care of house (whatever this means to you) Meditate Study Fast (If able/applicable) Journal (esp related to your long term goals, worldly affairs/responsibilities) Clean your space and get rid of what is no longer needed (clean out fridge, throw out papers, take out garbage, pull weeds, etc) Clean your car (if able/applicable) Ask Spirit and Ancestors "What work needs to be done?" Use sound bowl (if you have one), binaural beats, instrumental music Water water water water water water water! Sunday-Domingo (Sun) Practice your skills/Review your skills Perform service (whatever 'service' means to you) Post on social media/Establish social media presence Socialize, actively engage with others and/or your surroundings (if able/applicable) Journal (check your Ego, gas yourself up or practice humility) Review/Activate spells and rituals Pray Express gratitude Choose something specifically for you today Aura cleansing (if able/applicable) I hope this is guiding and helpful to at least someone. I experience such guilt around how I spend my time during the day and this outline/list has helped me attune to the energy of the day and generally make the most out of it. This is a light hearted, intuitive post meant to guide and validate how we can use our energy. I try to be mindful that not everyone has the resources, space, freedom, privilege, ability or circumstances to engage in such activities, my only hope is that at least one thing on this list can be activated in your days.

Leverage AU thoughts

okay so I wanted to keep the worldbuilding for the AU in that specific photoset relatively short for the sake of how the post worked, but I've seen a lot of questions in the tags so here is some more information for you all, under the cut because it got LONG:

MORALITY: okay so I called this the "(sort of) Leverage AU" because it basically flips the Leverage concept of "criminals work together with one non-criminal for the greater good" into "one criminal persuades a bunch of non-criminals that law =/= morality and that sometimes to make sure the bad guys get justice you have to work around legality". Obviously some people are easier to persuade than others (Huaisang has always been pretty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about the law, but before he joins the team he insists all of his crimes have been Theoretical, and besides, pirating movies isn't real crime, da-ge, god), and some of them are a little troubled by it but have their own reasons for joining (Mingjue has a LOT of issues with it, but joins to protect Huaisang for That One Job, and then stays with the insistence that a. they don't kill anyone, b. they don't involve anyone who doesn't super deserve it, and c. that their goal is always to get evidence so the mark can be convicted and the mark is always handed over to the appropriate authorities at the end of the job. he has a little more moral flexibility than canon Mingjue because of his Complicated Past He Wants To Atone For, but he still has an incredibly strong internal moral code that he absolutely will not violate. Jiang Cheng cares more about the law in principle, rather than personally, and as soon as he sees that they can get Justice that the law can't, he's sold). Xichen has the hardest time of it; he jumps into the first job without protest because Meng Yao asks (and Meng Yao never ever asks for anything, so it... it must be important, right? And Jin Guangshan definitely deserves it). After that he has a lot of internal struggling going on, and he's usually the one in the team trying to steer them towards legal means, and going through the "correct" channels. He probably has a breakdown about it at the end of a season and spends the next season Travelling To Find Himself. He winds up coming back to the team when, on one of his travels, he watches a family he's staying with lose everything after being targeted by a conman, but because of a dirty police chief the evidence is destroyed. They refuse to take his money when he tries to help, and he realises that they only way to get them justice... is to call in the team. That's not to say he is 100% cool with everything from then on, and he definitely draws the line at certain criminal acts (stealing for the fun of it he is not okay with, for example, and he gives a Hard No on the suggestion of trying White Rabbit) but for the most part he accepts the concept of what they do as being for the greater good.

GRIFTER XICHEN: yeah it's ridiculous and implausible but hear me out... that just makes it better. Because this man is terrible at improv and can only lie when he's in character (you see that means it's not lying then, it's just ACTING) and doesn't drink and absolutely will not seduce a mark past the level of general flirting... and yet he's somehow a wildly successful grifter??? How??? I'll tell you how: he's so fucking handsome and kind and charming and cultured that pretty much everyone who meets him just... melts a little bit and, with some coaxing, gives him whatever he needs. IT'S LIKE A FREAKIN SUPERPOWER and it's absolutely ridiculous. With the added bonus that he's juuust famous enough that the average person might kind of think he looks familiar, which means he's very good at coming across like he totally belongs wherever he's seen. Of course he works here, he's been here for months... don't you recognise him?

NO WOMEN ON THE TEAM: look, in Meng Yao's defence, when he put together this team he thought it would only be for one job, he wasn't trying to future-proof it! But yes, it can sometimes be an issue if they don't have time to plan ahead, and he and Huaisang - as the most stereotypically feminine members of the team, and by far the best liars - will usually take on any female roles they need if they're in a pinch and can't call in outside help, although all of them are ready to take on roles of different genders if need be (female roles are actually the only way to persuade Huaisang to grift, and he has an extensive shoe collection for such roles that he likes to expand by billing to the company account... Meng Yao is deeply unimpressed by this).

OTHER CHARACTERS: when Meng Yao started this, he worked very very hard to keep his siblings and the rest of his family out of it, to keep them all away from any fallout in case it went wrong (and also to stop any pesky Moral Issues from getting in the way). When that was over and they started taking regular cases, he relaxed the rule a little - Mianmian will sometimes step in to help if she can be sold on how bad the person is they're taking down, Zonghui can be relied upon if they need extra muscle, and Wen Qing is their go-to Ask No Questions doctor. Wei Wuxian frequently gets roped in to consult, as, if you give him six packs of hot chips, ten cans of monster, twelve hours, and a laptop, he can become a specialist in almost anything. Jiang Cheng was very very resistant towards the idea of his brother being allowed in the team, even just as a consultant, but the MOMENT Wei Wuxian was given any access to Shenanigans there was no fucking stopping him. In the later jobs Qin Su accidentally gets pulled into one of the cons and turns out to be a WAY better grifter than anyone could have imagined, so she winds up on the "ally call list". Meng Yao is both perturbed and proud, but absolutely draws the line at teenage Mo Xuanyu being allowed to help.

PAIRINGS: flipping the "two parents + three kids" dynamic in Leverage, this AU has 3zun and Sangcheng - so "three gege + two didi". Xiyao have a One That Got Away sort of past, and Xichen joins the team SPECIFICALLY because Meng Yao expresses emotional vulnerability by asking for help fOr OnCe In HiS fUcKiNg LiFe. Nielan dated when they were teens, and are happy to be reunited, but Mingjue refuses to rekindle a romantic relationship until Xiyao sort their shit out because it's obvious to anyone with eyes how hung up on Meng Yao Xichen is. Nieyao have a certain amount of "I'll work with you towards a common cause but that doesn't mean I have to like you" vibe, but veeery slooowlyyy wind up bonding over doing stuff they're not proud of for something they were so sure was a worthy cause at the time, but now they just feel jaded and used (there's a lot of arguments along the lines of "oh, so my corporate espionage is worse than what you did in spec ops... because the military says that what you did was legal. RIGHT. OKAY. SURE."). After several years of will-they-won't-they struggle, 3zun do get together, and everyone is very relieved. As for Sangcheng... it starts off as Huaisang just flirting kind of obnoxiously with Jiang Cheng, who rolls his eyes and snarks back, and then naturally Huaisang winds up catching feelings and is like [meme voice] Haha, I'm In Danger! He is unwilling to act on his feelings because he doesn't believe that Jiang Cheng likes him that way, and continues to believe that right up until the day Jiang Cheng snaps, and grabs him and kisses him, and is like "if I didn't actually like you flirting with me I would have punched you in the face years ago" and Huaisang is like "huh. Yeah that's probably true."

A Little theory regarding the Loki series

Warning! Image-heavy!

I am going to preface this by saying that this won’t happen. Well, maybe it won’t. Most of it won’t. Maybe some of it will. So SPOILER warning, in case it does. 

I’ll put some of my thought process in a note at the end.

---------

After Loki is arrested and brought before court to be charged for his part in certain time crimes, Mobius M. Mobius takes him “somewhere to talk”. He shows Loki snippets of how his life would have gone if he hadn’t skipped out with the Tesseract, then he tells him that he needs his help. Someone has been causing changes throughout history, making a myriad of variant timelines. Mobius believes that someone is taking advantage of their position in the TVA to cause this chaos; but his superiors refuse to believe that any of their ranks would behave in such a manner. So Mobius figures that if you want to handle chaos, you need to embrace chaos, and without consulting his superiors about it, he offers the God of Mischief a deal: help him find and bring back the rogue agent, and Loki will get his freedom. 

It is, of course, against the rules; but Mobius is willing to bend the rules a bit, if it means ending the time incidents. Loki agrees, thinking he will be able to use the situation to escape. But Mobius understands Loki’s thought process and warns him that if he strays from his assignment, he will be brought right back to the TVA. Loki being Loki, though, does try to skip out; but after he is zipped right back to the TVA a couple times, he doesn’t try it again.

Loki then does what he agreed to, slipping through time with Mobius and looking for the cause of the chaos. Disconcertingly, though, Loki’s power and strength begin to diminish, to the point where simple attacks he should have been able to easily counter are enough to take him down. Mobius says he doesn’t know why it is happening.

After a while Mobius's superiors suspect he is up to something, so he begins sending Loki out on his own, staying behind at the TVA to keep the others off his trail. Loki still doesn't like being in someone's "servant", and he resents being kept on such a tight temporal leash; but he continues reporting back to Mobius. While on assignments, Loki occasionally ends up preventing disasters that the “Agent of Chaos” had set in motion; though he also can’t help but make some “small” changes to the timeline, himself.

Mobius tells him to be more careful, or he might cause unforeseen effects. When Loki scoffs at this, Mobius asks him if he wants to see the world where he “won” the battle of New York. Mobius doesn’t wait for Loki’s answer, but immediately ships Loki off to an apocalyptic-looking New York City. When Loki gets there, the air is cold to the point where he can see his own breath, and it is utterly silent. A result, it appears, of not only the Chitauri attack, but of the bomb that the Humans used to try to wipe out the invading army. Apparently, the only ones that got wiped out were the Humans -- Avengers and all.

Loki wanders around the desolation for a while, until he is at last found by a roving group of ragged men. They seem to recognize him and he is brought to the leader of the city, who happens to be himself. Boss-Loki has gone a bit around the bend, though. He has been stuck in this place for years since the attack, and has carved himself out a little “kingdom” in the ruins, based in an old arcade. Our Loki is shocked and almost disgusted to see how far he has fallen. When Boss-Loki’s men turn on him because of this other Loki’s presence, though, our Loki gets caught up in the fighting. He calls out to Mobius that he has made his point, and to get him out of there.

Loki goes on doing his “job” then, being more careful with time. At long last, he finds a strange object at the scene of one of the chaotic events, and he brings it back to Mobius, who recognizes it as something he had taken from one of the young agent recruits, a girl named Sylvie. Mobius explains that some of the agents in the TVA are clones (like himself), but that some are recruited at a young age by the TVA because they show special abilities. Sometimes these recruitments occur from outside the main timeline, which is where they found Sylvie. Not only was she a gifted individual, but the TVA records showed that she should not have existed in the first place; so they took her in to train her, and also so that her presence would not disrupt the flow of time. 

Mobius and Loki go to confront her in her room, but she is gone. Mobius feels responsible because it was he that “recruited” Sylvie. Additionally, he knew that she had a habit of slipping through time on “joy rides” and coming back with souvenirs, which was strictly against the rules. She always seemed innocent, though, so he went easy on her about it. Hidden in a drawer in her room, they find other “souvenirs”, and Loki notes that some of them have Asgardian runes on them. Mobius says that Sylvie is human, according to her genetic code, so he doesn’t understand what she is doing with the runes. 

As they ponder the meaning of this, an alarm sounds in the TVA headquarters, and they know something terrible is happening in some variant timeline. They leave Sylvie’s room to try to get to the portals to take them to the time-incident; but on the way, some TVA agents try to stop them. They claim that Loki is the rogue element that has been causing all of the chaos, and that he needs to be “erased” as soon as possible. 

Mobius pretends to be on the agents' side, then sets them off-guard so Loki can get to the scene of chaos. After fighting his way through the Minutemen that are guarding the portals, Loki arrives when/where Sylvie is--at a quarry mine--the moon is shattered and the fragments are falling to the Earth. 

Loki runs to get to safety, and the ground opens up as the mine before him collapses, blocking him off from the now-adult Sylvie, who is staring up at the falling moon. She turns and looks at him just as the ground completely falls out from underneath him.

Suddenly the world around him stills and he lands hard on the ground. He struggles to his feet and looks up to see that everything has frozen around him. As he is standing there, gaping in disbelief, he turns and sees Sylvie standing beside him. She is wearing clothing very similar to his old Asgardian outfit, and she is smiling at the destruction and chaos before them.

“Hello, Father,” she says. “Have I made you proud?”

-------

-------

Notes: 

SPOILERS below.

My main thought was that since Cailey Fleming is listed as playing “Young Sylvie”, that would imply the presence of an older Sylvie. Otherwise, she would have been listed as “Sylvie”. Sylvie Lushton being the girl that Loki, in the comics, empowered and/or created, and who later became a version of Enchantress. 

That is who I think Sophia Di Martino is playing as an adult, rather than Lady Loki, like I used to think. Her hair is the wrong color to be Loki, for one thing; and she has been shown filming in the same location as Tom Hiddleston, who was wearing an Agent outfit at the time. I’m not gonna put the set photos here, but you know the ones... the pictures where she is wearing just about the same outfit as Loki has in the past. And we know that this character is the one that is causing the chaos, because in those set photos she is wearing a certain pair of boots and fingerless gloves, both of which are freeze-frame bonusses on the “mystery figure” in the trailer (when she drops the lantern and lifts her hands to her hood).

I’d also like to point out that she is wearing what appears to be a sword on her hip:

Anyway, I figure it goes something like this: 

Sylvie exists because another version of Loki had adopted her when he discovered that she had talents close to his own. He had begun training her how to use magic; but he was not so good a teacher as Frigga was, and the training was complicated by her wily and independent nature. Loki in that timeline died, though, leaving Sylvie alone. 

The TVA (specifically, Mobius) took her in, but because of her abilities, she was naturally able to slip through time, create illusions, age herself up and down, etc. Eventually, she decided she would “make her father proud” by sowing chaos. The thing is, she has grown stronger and more chaotic since Loki showed up at the TVA, because she has been inadvertently drawing his power and life force from him -- basically depowering him to charge herself up (c’mon... he gets laid out by a Roomba...). In fact, the draining of his life-force was what killed her “father” in her own timeline, though she didn’t know it.

Additionally (and on another note), the Loki series is said to be a “crime thriller” with sci-fi aspects; so while Loki tracking down a rogue time-agent seems to be a pretty straightforward idea, it could be given a nice twist at the end by having the rogue element not be an agent, but someone of Loki’s own making. And it would be one hell of a cliffhanger for the next season.

And... that’s all I got for now.

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It

Criminal Minds x Mindhunter AU

Spencer Reid x Peggy Carr (OC) Part 2: The Case

Summary: Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

warnings: strangers to lovers, mutual pining, slow burn! flirting, fluff, eventual smut, idiots in love, OC is Wendy Carr and Jason Gideon's biological daughter. mentions of rape and murder (typical canon violence)

word count: 2.2K

ao3

P1

He’s not expecting her to roll out a full map after the waitress clears the food from their table. They’ve been in the booth for barely 20 minutes. Having mindless conversations about their day and small get to know each other questions while they ate.

“So, I brought all this to my dad,” she explained, dropping 33 files on the table as well as 2 spiral notebooks and a handful of pens. “He thinks I have a case, but he’s refusing to look at the evidence because he’s still triggered by it, which I get, but he said you’d be the best at helping me because I really just need a geo-profile consult.”

“How is he doing?”

She’s been waiting for him to ask but she still didn’t know how to answer, no matter how much time she had to prep, “uh, he’s good. He talks about you every time I see him, how often do you talk?”

“We haven’t talked since he almost died, 6 years ago now… yes, it was in 2015,” Spencer says it like it’s nothing serious.

“Oh,” she’s confused about it all. Her father talks about him more than anyone else, always remembering a case or a conversation that he just had to tell her about.

Spencer was his buddy in her eyes. “Here I was thinking he liked you more than me like you’re his favourite kid.”

“I’m not his kid,” his eyes widen at the insinuation that they’re somehow siblings in any sense.

It makes her laugh, she knows he’s interested in her a small amount. She was hoping he would, she’s heard so many wonderful things about him and she remembers just how cute he was back in 2005. Now he’s a man and a mighty fine one at that…

“I take it you’re an only child?” He changes the subject, “you can’t handle the idea of your father having relationships with people your age when you hardly know him?”

“How about you tell me who you think I am and I’ll tell you where you went wrong?” She challenges him rather than answering, she knows he’s good but she wants to see it in action.

Spencer raised his brow, “if I get it right, you’re paying for lunch.”

“Deal.”

He opens her notebook and takes a look at her notes, flipping through the pages reading the words just as fast as her father said he could. It was incomprehensible, but he didn’t read far… he keeps going back to her drawings, studying the pressure and how her mind worked.

“Your mom travelled a lot when you were a kid, and you always went with her. I’m thinking you have a few degrees, at least 3…” he pauses to watch her microexpressions, trailing her skin with his eyes as he looks for anything out of the ordinary. “There’s a doctorate in there but you hate being called Dr. Carr because that’s your mother’s name and it reminds you too much of people asking about her instead of how you’re doing.”

It cuts deep, but he hits the nail on the head and she just blinks. The simplest microexpression that shows him he got it right, his smile is awkward and he’s sorry for it.

“You were homeschooled so you don’t trust people very easily. You have issues with your father that you can’t place because you still don’t think you know him well enough to really have an opinion, and you’re jealous of me because you wish you knew how he brags about you when you’re not around, but he doesn’t talk about you because you told him not to.”

“I specifically told him I wanted to be left out of his life to stay safe, so it’s really my fault that he can’t brag about me. But I still wish someone would,” she admits with a soft smile. “And I think it’s not really jealousy. I’m not jealous of how he brags about his time with you. If anything, I really admire you now.”

He blushes a little, “alright, your turn.”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend before have you?” She calls him out right away. “You can’t take a compliment seriously because no one has loved you deep enough yet for you to believe them. I already know about your parents, I know that you’re scared of forgetting and that’s why you won't stop learning. I think you probably have a bucket list, you’re desperate for something exciting to happen and that’s why you like me already.”

He blinks right back, “touché.”

“I’ll still buy your lunch,” she smiled, and he smiled right back. “And I do have 3 degrees.”

“I do too.”

“I know,” she reminded him. “You’ve been working on that 4th one for the last 16 years.”

“I haven’t had the time.”

She shakes her head as she laughs, teasing him as if she’s better than him because she knows he finds her interesting already, “I had my Ph.D. by 17, as well 2 masters by the time I was 21.”

“3 Ph.D.’s by 22,” he bragged right back.

It had suddenly become a staring contest, “when exactly did your dad walk out on you?”

“I was 10.” Spencer answers. “When was the last time your mom said she was proud of you?”

“Oh, we're going that far, I see,” she laughed, hurt just a little that he dug that deep, “what happened to yours recently?”

“Alzheimer’s.”

“I’m really sorry, I knew about the schizophrenia already because of the fisher king case, that one is the one that still has my dad all fucked up,” she can’t help but rant as she apologizes, placing her hands on his in the centre of the table and he interlocks their fingers like they’ve known each other for years.

“Boston?” He asks her, changing the topic back to getting to know each other without letting go of her hands.

She nods, “Vegas?”

“You knew that already,” he catches her.

“Maybe so,” she blushes at the embarrassment of him picking up on her crush.

“How’d he describe me at chess?” There’s a cockiness behind it that she admires, smiling in response she just shakes her head.

“I don’t play chess, but he says that other than Agent Prentiss, you’re the only person who has come close to beating him.”

“Prentiss?” He looks almost offended at the fact he didn’t know that story.

“You were asleep on the jet, it was right after the trip to Azkaban,” she reminds him.

“Azkaban?” He repeats. “You mean Guantanamo?”

She’s only slightly embarrassed by the slip-up, blushing a deep red as she presses her lips together and squeezes his hand. “My mom calls it Azkaban, she hates it. If it wasn’t for the BAU, she would have never joined the bureau or the government in any way, she’s against the criminal justice system too, so…”

“She’s a woman of science and empathy, I’ve never met her, but I’ve read all her work.”

“So have I,” she’s full of butterflies for some reason as she thinks about him knowing everything that she does, she’s suddenly excited at the prospect of future conversations with him like this isn’t a one-time thing.

He’s still holding her hands over the map, both of them leaning in slightly as they kept talking, it felt overly intimate for a discussion of a case— and they haven’t even started yet.

She takes her hands out of his grip and flattens them over the map, “so I found a pattern, I was asked to look into the rape and murder of a friends sister, and now I’ve found 32 matching cases all over America going in alphabetical order by state, 2 a year since 2005.”

“Are you serious?”

She nods softly, “I’m a private investigator. I hated the academy and simply being in the BAU almost killed both of my parents so I’m not really fond of it, but I need help.”

“How did VICAP not pick this up?” Spencer’s still caught up on the fact this has been happening during his entire career and he had no way of helping. It was very clear by the look on his face.

“Because they’re college-age women getting raped in their dorms, 1 in each state, and men don’t care enough to dig a little deeper when it’s just a little girl who was probably asking for it anyway, right?”

He looks furious, but with her… not at her.

Not like most men, that’s actually exactly what any other guy would have said to her. ‘Not most men,’ they only said that if they were offended; when they knew that they were the exact type of man she was referring to.

He started opening case files then, flipping through everything as she watched carefully, “he always does it the exact same way. It’s every March and November between the 6th and 12th, he’s gotten to the O’s, which means the next hit should be in Oklahoma in exactly 2 months' time.”

“Has there been evidence?” Spencer asks, avoiding eye contact as he both listens and absorbs.

“1 footprint and some random fingerprints at the first few, other than that it’s like he was never there,” she sighs. “This is where I need your help; I’m unsure if he’s attacking randomly or if it’s planned ahead of time, so I brought the map to see if you can make any connection.”

“Alright,” he closes the folder and hands them to her so he can get a better look at everything. “I’m going to need the exact address of each one.”

“I have 32 mini maps,” she says, opening her book bag and handing him yet another folder.

“I’ve noticed they’re in every capital, and it’s always on the east side of the city,” she adds as he spreads them out on the table.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and turns on the flash, turning it face down and holding the sheets of paper over it, “If you look at them over each other, there might be a pattern. We should call my friend Penelope, she’ll be able to digitally do this and find something.”

“Okay,” Peggy nods along, “I really need to know within the week because I’m moving to Oklahoma.”

“What?” He looks overly worried.

“He’s interested in college-age brunettes,” she points at herself. “I’m going to rent an apartment with a sliding door in the kill zone, and I’m going to wait it out. I’ll make sure everyone knows I live alone, I won't make friends, I’ll keep the windows open when I go to the store, I’ll make myself a victim.”

“No, we can get the bureau to send in a team, you don’t need to be in harm's way,” he protests, “I won’t help if I know you’re throwing yourself in the middle of all this. I refuse.”

There’s an underlying panic that she doesn’t quite understand. He’s almost shaking as he thinks about her playing the victim, they stare back and forth at each other softly, eyes flickering over the other’s expression as he also reads her.

“Fine,” she agrees, finally. “But if you’re getting the team involved, I want to be able to have some say in the investigation. I don’t want to be kicked out for just being a PI.”

“On one condition,” Spencer smirks. “You have to teach the BTK seminar with me.”

“Deal,” she smiled. “But I have some conditions too.”

“Anything?”

He was going to regret that.

“We can’t sleep together until we catch the guy— don’t look at me like that!” she catches the way his jaw drops and his eyes glisten.

He’s in complete shock, trying to say words and failing miserably as she stares at him knowingly. “I only said that because I need rules for myself too. We can’t care more about each other than the victims. Solve the case with me and then I’ll have a crush on you, okay?”

“Okay,” he finally finds the words to agree. “Was it that obvious?”

“We held hands for 5 minutes, I’ve thought you were cute since you were 23 and that seminar was a; 'my horse is bigger than your horse' flirting match,” she calls it all out, “I’m just as into you as you are into me already, if not more so because I know way too much about you thanks to my dad and uncle Rossi.”

“Dave knew about you too?” He’s more upset than she expected.

She nods, “yeah, so that I’d be taken care of if anything happened to my dad.”

He is a little upset and she can’t figure out why from what she knows already, “why?”

“You’re so interesting, you and I could have been friends for the last 15 years and things could have been so interesting but you were a secret,” he whispers.

“I was right wasn’t I?”

He nods again, “Gideon doesn’t know about Maeve, but I had a girlfriend who died in front of me before I could tell her I loved her and it broke me.”

Everything makes sense now. The stares, the stuttering, the defensiveness at the idea of her being in harm's way after only knowing her for a few hours. He was desperately looking for someone like himself to prove that he wasn’t going to be alone forever, and he wanted that to be found in her.

“Solve the case with me, then you can learn what it’s like to love someone who loves you back.”

taglist:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

now accepting boyfriend applications: literature

synopsis: phone dead, laptop gone, guess it’s an old fashioned having to sit down and talk to the boys who apparently are interested in the position of being your boyfriend. first; you just have to make it to your literature class. 

series: now accepting boyfriend applications

previous: now accepting boyfriend applications

next up: intro to business 

series taglist: @kyomihann @chesley-cant-deal @bluearmufs @your-consulting-fangirl @itsmeaudrieee @winunk @aegiseterna @katelyns-stuff @mochipk @3rachachoo @kyuudere

*bold means I wasn’t able to tag you*

general taglist: @graykageyama @tsumue @thesorebae @micasaessakusa @alouphen @waitforitillwritemywayout

Your phone was still charging, it’s in your bag plugged into a power bank and you’re hoping it’ll charge enough soon. You’ve made it to campus with five minutes to spare, you can already see Akaashi through the windows of the class. He’s absolutely cute and you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about what it would be like to date him, but you were so blissfully in love with your ex that you never took the chance to fully indulge yourself to fantasize.

And while he’s in class looking like he just walked right out of a manga in a university setting; you look exactly as it would sound like, as if you just woke up and ran to campus. Your hair is a mess, you tried running through campus attempting to put it up in a bun, it’s lopsided and you’re using the hood of your sweatshirt to try and cover up the mess of a mop it is. It doesn’t help that the only reason you’re wearing a sweatshirt is because you didn’t have time to put on a bra so yeah, you’re walking around campus with no bra on and the ugly sweatpants with wine stains on it doesn’t do you justice either. You’re even decked out with a pair of sandals.

Honestly, how were you going to walk into class, look at Akaashi in the face, and just act as if he didn’t send you a boyfriend application. When he sees you, he’ll definitely retract his resume.

There’s two minutes left and you’re awkwardly poking your head in. No one is giving you the time of day but it feels like all eyes are on you when you step in. Perhaps you shouldn’t be too ashamed of your looks as you’re nearing the end of the semester and most girls have switched out their cute skirts for tracksuit pants.

You’re slowly going towards your seat, Akaashi diligently writing in his notebook and he finally looks up. Through his glasses, he meets your gaze, his lips slowly part and he’s blinking as if wondering if you were really you. As you pull into your seat, he stares down at his notebook, he’s stopped writing and everything in you is just screaming at you to not scream out loud because there was no going back on this weird friendship type relationship that you two have developed.

Akaashi shuffles in his seat, his body is turned to face you and he’s so close to opening his mouth when the teacher’s voice makes his thoughts stop. He turns back to face the front, no words exchanged as you pull out your notebook, pencil, and charging cell phone that’s just reached fifteen percent. For the first time since the beginning of the semester, you’re going to take notes and listen intently to this hour and fifteen-minute long lecture.

Only ten minutes have passed and your professor has done nothing but decided to review on what the difference between a primary article and a secondary article is because some people just don’t understand why Wikipedia is not an official source. You peek a look over at Akaashi. He, too, seems incredibly bored but his hardworking nature has him at least trying to focus on the professor despite the pen in his hand drawing circles on his notepad.

When he looks over at you, a small smile on his lips, you’re quick to turn away with a blush on your cheeks.

At thirty minutes, your phone is dancing on the edge of thirty percent. It’s enough to get you to start looking through your phone and you find yourself once again clicking on Akaashi’s email. You lean your arm onto the desk, tilting your body just enough that you think he wouldn’t be able to see that you’re looking at his boyfriend application.

You’re skipping passed official details, instead ceasing the scrolling when you reach his skillset. It’s all very professional sounding despite him referring to relationship and dating. It makes you crack a smile, you want to laugh out loud and not because it’s funny but because it’s actually really cute.

One of my skillsets is my height, considering your shorter height, I will be able to provide assistance whenever needed. While I may once in a while enjoy your smaller stature, I will try not to bring it up repeatedly to spare you of your feelings.

You bite down on your lower lip, suppressing the immense grin that wants to grow on your face. Through the strands of your hair, you peek another glance at him. This time he’s removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes slowly, a small yawn falling through his lips.

My biggest weakness is my busy schedule. I spend most of my days working part-time at the campus library and studying. As a literature major, I have multiple readings, essays, and assignments which may hinder my time to have a steady relationship but I believe that this weakness will later play a role as a strength in how devoted I am to what I love.

Well, that just made your heart skip ten beats.

My future goals include working as an editor, but right now my shorter-term goal would be to graduate with my literature degree on time. Another short-term goal I had developed over the semester was to ask you out on a date.

Your stomach spirals, you’re internally groaning at how cute this actually was.

“There’s twenty minutes left of class, during this time I’d like you to discuss with your revision partner about your last draft.”

Shit. You’re screaming in your head because this was not happening. Now you had to talk to Akaashi. The voices of students have now taken over the classroom, when you turn to look at Akaashi, a meek smile on you as he’s staring with his head tilted.

“Are you alright?” He’s asking so nicely, his voice soft and genuine. It feels like forever since someone has been so sweet to you.

Your hand reaches to scratch the back of your neck, a weak curve on your lips, “It’s been a pretty hectic twenty-four hours.”

Akaashi leans on his desk, cheek pressed against his palm and he’s asking, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Your lips fall into a small pout because he’s just so sincere. He’s always been. Maybe that was why you had just the teeniest of crush on him earlier in the semester because he remembered the small details. When he noticed you switched from coffee to tea, you ranted to him for five minutes about how your boyfriend was adamant on you changing your lifestyle by switching to healthier options. The next class time you had together, Akaashi brought you coffee because as long as your boyfriend didn’t know then it was alright.

“Are you sure you want to listen to me?” You quirk a brow at him, “Because I’ll talk for the rest of the time.”

Akaashi sits up straight, flipping his notebook, pen ready in hand, “I must have forgotten to list listening as one of my strengths.” Your face burns all of a sudden, he has the smallest smirk on his face when he turns back to you, “I’ll take notes, tell me what’s wrong.”

You’re not used to someone listening to you, you’re used to someone interrupting you. It felt awkward at first, just letting everything roll off your tongue, and your eyes keep darting to the way his pen moves against his notebook. Was he actually taking notes of your rant? When you finish, he’s smiling, there’s a warmth to his grin that has you internally groaning.

“What did you write down?” You’re leaning over now, trying to get a good look at his notebook and you don’t even notice that the embarrassment in you has lifted. You’re no longer plagued with awkwardness like you were an hour ago.

Akaashi tilts his notebook for you to clearly see his handwriting. A wide smile taking over your expression. She’s cute when she’s talking. He was indeed more straightforward than you had imagined, you pictured him as shy and cute, while he was definitely the latter, he came off boldly.

“If I have to be honest.” He states suddenly, “My friend threw together that application and then sent it to you and then messaged you.” Your expression falters but he’s adverting his eyes just slightly, “I was too shy to try and message to ask if you were alright and well, my friend tends to get a little out of hand.” He’s grinning once more, rubbing the back of his neck, “I guess it sort of worked out in the end.”

The professor’s voice draws your attention, “Once you’re done discussing with your partner, you’re free to leave.”

You look at the time, sparing a glance to Akaashi, “I’m sorry, I have to get to my next class.” You’re shoving your stuff into your backpack and he also quickly packs up.

“I’ll walk you.” He’s so eager that he almost knocks over his coffee cup, “I mean if it’s alright with you?”

“Sure, my next class is.”

Akaashi interjects, “Intro to Business, across campus.”

You’re surprised he remembers, a little impressed that it feels like he’s leading the way to your next class. For a moment it’s silent, you can tell he’s a little nervous but heck you’re also very nervous.

“You said two other guys sent you an application?”

Slowly you nod, “I mean one’s definitely a no, he’s just so cocky, definitely not my type. The other?” You think for a moment, “He’s really nice, funny, and we’ve kind of built up a friendship over the semester.” You notice how silent Akaashi has suddenly fallen.

“So.” Akaashi is quiet, “Then you would say that I’m up against him?” The two of you have stopped in front of your class, Akaashi staring down at you; the look in his eyes suddenly changes. He was getting competitive, “I’ll make sure to win you over.”

Your cheeks dust with a blush. He’s suddenly digging in his bag; he pulls out a baseball style cap. His hand tugging back your hood, undoing your sloppy bun to let your hair fall down. Your heart races at the way he sneaks in a stroke through your hair before fitting the cap onto your head. It’s loosely hanging until he leans into you, he smells of a deep forest and you’re tempted to just wrap your fingers on his t-shirt and pull him in a little bit more.

“You’ll probably be more comfortable with a hat than a hood.” He pulls away once he’s fixed the strap but his scent lingers momentarily, “You should get to class.” He states sweetly, taking in the cute way you’re trying to hide your face with his hat.

“I’ll message you.” You say as you slowly hang around the doorway to your class, “To return the hat.” And possibly more. You think.

The moment you turn away, a blushing grin on you with your heart beating rapidly; everything stops when you come face to face with Kuroo Tetsuro. He’s got a cheeky look on him, slightly eyeing the man still lingering outside of the classroom. The two men meet gazes and there’s a sharp sting between the two; an acknowledgement of an opponent.

Sprint Challenge: 3.31.21

I am aware this is a day late but it's finally done!

"Dude, how did you mess this up?!"

 "I did everything you told me to!"

 "Bro, obviously not! Now we have a sleeping beauty who didn't consent nor a way to wake her up! Our grades are gone and maybe our magical career period! We don't even know if she's a witch or a human!" Nino's voice rose with his stress to a higher pitch, hands clutching his short curls, his hat long forgotten on the floor when he first entered the room. 

"I know this Nino!"

 "Adrien. Dude, bro I need you to think very carefully and tell me what you used for this potion."

 "I don’t remember the exact order but I wrote down most of it on this paper. I used all the ingredients listed, like you told me to." The blonde pulled the page from his spell journal where it was tucked and passed it over for observation.

 "Okay well half of these would kill a human, vampire or any type of sea related being. So she's magical somehow at least."

“Because that makes me feel better…” The wind based wizard muttered.

“It should! It means she’s sleeping and not dead, you dummy!” The childish insult slipped out before he could help it and the blonde drew back as if he’d been slapped.

“I’m the dummy? You’re not much better if you can’t reverse the spell you gave me!” Adrien snapped, moving from his seated position to start pacing as the stress was finally hitting him. Even Plagg, his familiar, seemed to be judging his newest failure.

“Dude, chillax. I promise we can fix this, it’s just going to take some time… Hopefully no one puts up a missing poster.” The Earth affiliated wizard-to-be moved from the couch where the young woman slept and started to pull together the ingredients used.

“Nino! Seriously?!” 

“Adrien, I got you. It will be fine, now I need your help to recreate this potion so I can figure out a reverse or cure depending on its… Potency.”

Adrien grumbled but made his way over to the workbench, picking up Plagg from the back of the couch on his way. Using the hand written instructions they measured out the ingredients and consulted other books on the different effects mixing the ingredients would have. In the midst of their research a knock sounded at the door. Nino left his blonde friend to answer the door. Pulling the heavy oak open revealed another teen slightly taller and muscular, his hair was a contrast to his dark robes being black faded to teal tips. His hand were raised and empty to show he was non-threatening.

"Hi, I have a somewhat awkward question but I'm looking for someone and hoping you may have seen her? On the petite side, blue black hair in pigtails and wears a ladybug cloak?"

"Sorry can't say that we have, what's her name? We can keep a look out for you."

"That'd be great." The stranger smiled.

"Hey I found something that could help." Adrien piped up from the work table,  drawing the other males attention inward.

"Oh thank God you brought her inside."

Now they were both concerned and eyeing the newcomer with suspicion. Between the two, being an air and earth affinity that knew each other from boyhood, they had countless hours of spellcasting and mock fighting techniques that were being geared up to use against this stranger.

“Ah, that didn’t come out right. Her name is Marinette and her familiar Tikki has been looking for her all day. Usually she’s too busy taking care of everyone else that she forgets herself and well, falls into a mild coma to recover. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her fall asleep this deeply though....”

“So uh, my dude…” Nino carefully spoke, shifting slightly so his wand was easier to reach.

“Luka, you might know Juleka? She’s my little sister.”

“Oh, we have potions class together! Juleka never said anything about a brother though.”

“We’re always around each other so no need to miss or talk about each other. So where did you find Sleeping Beauty? Last I knew she was sketching for Mendelvie’s class.”

“Uh, well…” Adrien shared a look with his best friend and decided to come clean with a sheepish countenance. “Funny story, I was making a potion for class and found the last ingredient I needed near where Marinette was sketching… She asked for something to drink and I gave her the wrong jar…”

"Well whatever you put in it definitely worked to get her to sleep but she's not under a sleeping spell. This is for Bustier's test right?" Nino nodded and let Luka in the room, closing the door behind him. "So the version she wants you to make is the hardest version out there and almost no one can make it. Which is the point, it's a test to your abilities to see what your second affinity could be or help pick a specialization. May I see the ingredient list?"

"Sure. So what year are you?" Nino shuffled the ingredients list over and went back to the Wildflowers of the Forest tome to compare.

"Third year, my apprenticeship starts soon." Luka glanced over the ingredients list and paused noticeably, scanning the ingredients on the table. "Are these the exact ingredients you used? Everything looks and smells the same?"

"Yeah, everything's here." Adrien double checked each jar and sprig, only hesitating on the belladonna blossoms. "I used pink ones instead of the purple."

"You sir, are a very lucky accidental genius." The older wizard sighed and the tension seemed to finally melt away. "Your mix up saved her life and created a sleep tonic. Marinette is half Naga and that much belladonna apparently helps her sleep because she has venom sacs that are potent enough to absorb the deadly part."

"We don't need to tell Ms. Bustier do we?" The wind wizard asked nervously. 

"Probably, there are other Naga students and I know several other reptile species that could benefit from it. Also incase of a sneak attack the chance to study cures would be invaluable." Luka clapped a gentle hand on each of their shoulders before moving to pick up the still sleeping student. As Marinette yawned she exposed her fangs that were bared as a defense while in her sleeping state, her tongue flickering along Luka's jaw to bury her face in his crook of his shoulder.

"That's kind of creepy but cool…" Nino remarked, starting to clear up the research mess.

"It helps that she knows me, Nagas much like their snake counterparts can taste the air to smell."

"Oh my Gods, Adrien dude! You should totally get with Kagami!"

"What?" The blond was looking at the other like he was crazy with his outburst.

"She's a Naga, they taste air, yanno wind? The only thing that's between your ears?"

"Did you just-" Adrien turned towards Luka who politely coughed carefully to hide his laugh and not wake up the still slumbering girl. "Did he just call me an airhead?!"

"Well I'll leave you to it, let me know if you need anything. Jules knows how to find me." With that parting remark he left the squabbling younger wizards to clean up and compile a report for their grade. With a quick glance around, the wizard opened a secret passageway and took it as a shortcut to near where Marinette's rooms were.

"Mm, my mate… warm and safe, good mate…" Marinette murmured in her sleep and it took everything in Luka to not drop the sleeping girl like she just dropped that bombshell. That was something to unpack at a much later date and when the mixed Naga was awake.

One Chance is All Some Get - 1

Part Two - Masterlist

Word Count: 10.3k Warnings: swearing, talk of blood, talk of needles, discussion of mental health

The monthly blood drive that happened in the winter at NYU Langone on Long Island was one of the few times the Islanders voluntarily went to the hospital. This time, Mathew had a fling going on with one of the nurses who would be helping so dragged Anthony along for moral support. It wasn’t that Anthony didn’t want to go, he just hated needles. Anything he could do to stay away from needles, he did. He hated blood tests, vaccinations and was certain that donating blood would only bring him closer to his fear. Mathew knew of his fear but hoped that he could get over it temporarily to be his wingman.

Sarah adjusted her short white coat, being on the accelerated MD program at NYU Long Island meant that she had less time to learn the same skills most student doctors learnt in 4 years. However, it did mean that she was able to take part in the blood drive, even if it was just taking the observations of the patients that came in. It was something she took pride in as she was doing one of the most basic tasks, she was always willing to do the tasks that no one else wanted to do because she knew it was the only way she could work her way up the ranks to becoming a qualified doctor.

Her short brown hair was tied back into a small bun and she had her stethoscope around her neck, allowing her to check the most basic functions of the human body. She read her list of things to do one more time before leaving the staff room:

Introduce yourself to them

Make sure they have signed the consent forms

Take their height and weight and check that their blood volume is enough to donate a pint of blood

Take a small amount of blood from their finger and ensure that there is enough iron in their blood to be able to donate

Ask them about their travel history and if they have undertaken any risky behaviour that may mean they are unable to donate

Invite them to take a seat in the chair and give them a drink of water

Answer any questions they may have

Only seven simple tasks to remember, she reminded herself. Sarah walked out of the staff room and made her way to the attending doctor who was in charge of the drive. They had each been given a tablet with the names of the patients they would be seeing and when they checked in to their appointment. A few names jumped out, namely Mathew Barzal and Anthony Beauvillier. 

Now, Sarah wasn’t a massive New York hockey fan, especially coming from New Jersey, but anyone who spent more than one day on Long Island had heard of them. They were the up and coming players for the New York Islanders and had a large social media following. Their looks were just an addition to their spectacular hockey skills.

Anthony kept tapping his foot. It was his way of showing nerves, his plan for the day before Mat had dragged him here was to enjoy his day off, maybe try cooking something fancy and watch Netflix all day. But no, he was sitting in a stuffy hospital waiting room, waiting for some doctor or nurse to hook him up to some machine that was going to steal his blood, then he was going to be told that he couldn’t do any heavy lifting on that arm for the rest of the day. It was the same procedure as every blood test that he had for the Islanders and he was going to hate every moment of it. The soft voice of the receptionist called him and Mat over to collect the papers they needed then they had to wait for one of the student doctors to call them through. They both nodded and went to fill in the paperwork. She had also given them some water that they were told to drink slowly, which apparently was going to help when donating blood. Anything Anthony could do to make the donation go quicker, he would do.

It was an unfamiliar room to Sarah, but familiar equipment and she thanked the heavens that she had been trained on similar machines. She swiped her identification badge on the reader attached to the keyboard and signed in to the computer. Quickly, she read through the patient information for Andrew Parkinson, he was her first appointment of the day and noted that he previously had iron deficiency anaemia but had been treated for this using iron tablets and knew that this could be a potential boundary for him donating blood today. She collected her stethoscope from the desk and left the small room to enter the waiting room. 

“Mr Parkinson for the blood donation?” Sarah asked, trying to be confident. Sarah looked over the room and noticed a man, with blond hair walking over to her and when he was close enough she offered him her hand to shake which he accepted. “Hi there, I’m student doctor Sarah Milkins and I’m going to be taking you through the first stages of your donation today if that’s okay with you sir.”

“Of course it is,” Andrew said, “lead the way.”

As soon as Anthony heard the soft voice, he looked up wanting to see who it could belong to. He saw a young woman, she couldn’t be older than 25, pushing up her black-rimmed glasses which matched the stethoscope on her shoulders. Even the pens that were in the pocket of her white coat matched. But what made her stand out was her scrubs, he had never seen someone wear a pair of dark blue, unfitted scrubs so well. He smiled at her, but she had already turned her back to him and was leading another man to her consultation room.

“Mat, what was the name of the nurse you were seeing?” Anthony asked his friend, hoping that it wasn’t her because he would do anything but break the bro code.

“Urm,” Mat had to rack his brain to try and remember her name, “I can’t remember but she was definitely a blonde, and she was tall.” Tito let out a sigh that he didn’t even realise he was holding. “Why?” Mat asked, “got your eye on one here?”

“If I do, just be glad it's not your girl,” Anthony replied, with a roll of his eyes.

Sarah was glad to hear that Mr Parkinson had been keeping up to date with his family doctor with regards to his anaemia and was even happier when she completed the finger prick test to show that his blood contained enough iron for him to donate. It was even better when he mentioned that he hadn’t travelled out of the state in the past 6 months. “Mr Parkinson, I am happy to report that your blood volume and iron levels are high enough to donate today,” she said with a smile. “Do you have any questions for me?” she asked, he replied with a shake of his head so Sarah continued, “so, if you could just finish your water whilst you’re waiting in the chair, I’ll send one of the nurses over to you.” She pointed towards chair number 6 and walked him there. “Thank you again for donating.”

Three minutes. Three minutes to fill in all of the information that the system needed. Sarah was thankful that she had been making notes on the computer as she spoke to Mr Parkinson as it made filling in the additional things a lot easier. She took a quick look at her next patient and saw that they would be accompanied by a social media team. This confused her until she saw the names, it was the New York Islanders who she noticed on the list before. A little sigh escaped her lips before she covered her tablet with the case and walked out of her consultation room.

Anthony noticed as soon as she walked back out from the consultation rooms. He noticed how she looked a little awkward standing there, but it allowed him to take in her beauty even if he knew this was likely to be the only time he ever saw her. New York was a big city, 8 million people and she was just one of them.

“Mr Barzal, Mr Beauvillier and camera crew?” Sarah asked meekly, not wanting to accidentally say the wrong thing.

Placing his hands on his thighs to help him stand, Mat said, “I guess that’s us.” Anthony nodded not believing that he was going to be in the same room as her, let alone caught on video with her.

“I’m student doctor Sarah Milkins and I’m gonna be conducting your observations today,” Sarah began as she started leading the gaggle of people down the corridor. She opened the door to her little room and offered Mat and Anthony the seats on the opposite side of her chair. “I’m not too sure what the camera crew want to do, but I’m just gonna ask you guys a few questions, take your height and weight then do a little blood draw which is just a pinprick on your finger. If you guys don’t have any immediate questions, shall we get started?”

“We’re just gonna be filming the guys, so just try and keep this as normal as possible,” one of the guys with a camera said.

“I’ll try my best. So, I’ve got both of your files up so as long as you don’t mind answering the questions in front of each other, I’ll ask you both at the same time,” Sarah questioned the boys.

“I haven’t got an issue with it,” Anthony said, looking up into Sarah’s green eyes. Her eyes then flicked to Mat who agreed with his friend.

“First question, any new tattoos and piercings in the last three months?” Both boys shook their head and Sarah quickly typed the information into the computer but something kept drawing her back to Anthony’s eyes. “Second of all, any trips out of the United States, not including Canada, in the last three months?” Another nod from both of them confirmed that she was able to move onto the height and weight measurements. 

“Now, it’s not that I trust the official NHL data, but if you don’t mind I’d like to take your height and weight, this is to make sure that your blood volume is high enough to donate,” she had to keep this professional, it wasn’t like she had them sat in their boxers in front of her, they were there to do something she did every other month. The boys nodded and the camera crew started giggling when they noticed the height difference between Sarah, Anthony and especially Mat. 

Sarah knew she was short, standing at 5 foot exactly, but she didn’t take into account how much shorter she was than the two hockey players as she walked through the hospital corridors. “If you don’t mind, Miss Milkins, could we film this?” one of the camera crew suggested, and Sarah knew that this would be quite funny.

“Yes, just don’t make fun of how short I am,” she said with a laugh. She was used to the jokes about her height and even made some herself when she could think of them. Everyone in the room agreed and made sure they were camera ready. As Sarah motioned for one of the boys to make their way to the height and weight measure, Anthony gave Mat a look to silently tell him to go first. He was incredibly flustered, he didn’t even know why. This was a professional setting and all he had to do was ignore the pretty girl who was looking after him at this moment. Oh, and the needles that he would have to encounter slightly later on.

Sarah took the notepad out of her pocket and found a pen on the desk too. “So, Mat,” Sarah whispered, but she then remembered that she was being filmed so would have to speak up a bit more. “Mat,” this time she was able to get the attention of everyone in the room. “Height is 6’0, and weight 189lbs. Perfect blood volume for donating today! Anthony, would you like to replace Mat on the machine?” Sarah asked politely, whilst writing down these numbers.

Anthony nodded and went to stand on the machine. He noticed Sarah’s eyes as he stood in front of here, slightly awkwardly. They glistened emerald green under the annoyingly bright medical lights and he just wanted to stare into them, but he knew that it would be strange, especially as they had barely known each other for 10 minutes and would probably never see each other again.

“Anthony, just shuffle to your left to make sure we can get the most accurate reading if you can,” Sarah spoke softly, she didn’t want to make this too awkward for him as she could sense that he had some nerves around donating blood. She sent a smile his way, just to ease him.

“Urm, yeah, sure,” Anthony grunted as he moved less than an inch but this allowed Sarah to get the correct readings.

“That’s, 5’11 and 182lbs,” Sarah said and quickly wrote that down. “So, boys, both of you have got enough blood to donate about a pint today! Have you got any questions for me?”

Mat and Anthony shook their heads and looked towards the camera crew who did the same action. Sarah thanked everyone in the room for their time and encouraged the boys to finish drinking a pint of water. She also pointed them towards some of the nurses who would be taking their blood today.

“Miss Milkins, would we be able to get a photo of you and the boys for social media? If you don’t want to, that’s fine but it’ll be nice to get one,” one of the camera crew suggested. Sarah was slightly shocked but agreed nonetheless. She slotted herself between Mat and Anthony and let the crew do their thing with some portable lights and a professional camera. This was not what she expected to be doing when she woke up that morning.

“And we’re done,” the man said, “just jot down your Instagram and Twitter handles for us so we can tag you and send you the photos.” He handed her a small pad of paper and she scribbled it down and handed it back.

“Right, if you head over to Jane, my colleague over there. She’s the one waving,” Sarah laughed. “She’ll get you set up for your donation! Thanks for coming today and donating and I hope to see you soon!” Anthony and Mat waved to Sarah as she went back to the small examination room to put the information into the computer. 

Sarah let out a sigh, she didn’t even realise she was holding one in. Mathew Barzal and Anthony Beauvillier were not your average blood donors and the fact that she had been the person to take their observations was incredible. She had never tended to anyone of their star nature and was thankful for the existence of patient confidentiality. 

Even if her photo was going to be posted online, she wished that it wasn’t the Islanders that had come in to donate. It would have been a better story to tell to her parents if Jack Hughes and Nico Hischer came in because then she would have been star-struck and probably would have collected autographs for her sister, who swore that Hischer’s hair was the best thing known to man.

Rebecca, the receptionist, one of Sarah’s friends from high school and her housemate, was star struck when Sarah said that she did their observations. “I am going to need a drink after this,” Sarah exclaimed, “I hope my face doesn’t get plastered all over the internet.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Rebecca asked, “You know I think you should get out more.”

“Getting out more is not the same as a hockey team that I don’t even like posting photos about me,” Sarah sighed. “If it was the Devils, I might not be as concerned, but I guess that’s what we get for living in New York.”

“We're still on for the Mets game and drinks after on Saturday?” Rebecca asked, hoping she didn’t shoot down the idea. Sarah knew she needed to take a night off from studying and she did enjoy baseball, it was the drinks after she knew she wasn’t a massive fan of the idea of.

“We won’t stay out too late?” Sarah needed her sleep and was not prepared to give up too much of that for the nightlife of New York.

“Of course, we can’t have little miss perfect staying out past her bedtime now, can we,” Rebecca joked. Sarah responded with a swift roll of her eyes and told her to get lost. She sent Rebecca a quick wave as she headed back to the waiting room to collect the next donor.

Mat had seen that look in Anthony’s eyes before but didn’t want to prod too far because he was about to be hooked up to donate blood. “Marie, you have to come and see these veins,” the nurse exclaimed. Her accent was definitely southern, Texas perhaps, Anthony thought. He wondered why the nurses were getting so excited over their veins, to him these were just the vessels that allowed his blood to get back to the heart and reoxygenate so he could perform at his best on the ice. Yes, they were pretty prominent, but he had seen people on his own hockey team with more visible veins than his.

“My lord,” the second nurse exclaimed, “I’d certainly have wanted test subjects like these two when I was learning.” Anthony shot Mat a worrying look, slightly concerned about what the nurses could be plotting against them. They wouldn't be held hostage for all the student nurses to learn their skills on, would they? He was thinking too much, surely? “Aw sweetie, no need to worry,” the second nurse told him. “Just a quick pinprick.” Yeah, like he hadn’t heard that before.

Anthony looked over to see Mat in conversation with the southern nurse as his blood started to collect on the machine. He needed to relax, that’s what they always told him when he was preparing for a blood test. Sighing, he closed his eyes and balled his hand into a fist. Thinking of rural Quebec and how he couldn’t wait to get back over the summer when the season was finished. The greenery, the sun beating down on his bare chest, a beautiful girl on his arm, anything to take his mind off of the needle that was being placed into his arm. 

He was nervous, to say the least, but was glad that the camera crew were currently occupied filming Mat talking to one of the nurses. The nurse was able to get the donation needle the first time and Anthony was able to start his muscle tension exercises. Deep breaths, he told himself, it will be no longer than ten minutes, last time you were done in 6. He was pulled out of his thoughts by the laugh of a girl, was it the nurse that did their observations? He hoped not as he really did not want a cute girl to see him like this. Without opening his eyes too far, he peeked across to see her walking someone to the consultation room. 

As he let out a deep breath, Anthony heard the beeping of the machine. Success! He had finished his blood donation and this time without tears. It was the little wins, he told himself. The southern nurse made her way across to detach Anthony from the death trap and he waltzed over to join Mat who was drinking a mug of coffee to rehydrate himself. He picked up a Gatorade from the selection along with a small bag of chips and sat in the comfy chair. The camera crew wanted him to do a small piece to camera about how easy it was to donate, he sniggered at that one, and where people in Long Island could come and donate. 

It was easier than he thought and was happy to only have to record it twice, it took Mat at least 5 attempts to even get the first bit right. Anthony was happy, he had donated blood to a good cause and now all he wanted to do was leave and get some Chinese food in his stomach. Mat and Anthony made their way back through the donation area, signing a few cards that the team had brought for them. He felt on top of the world, and had no idea why. As he walked outside the hospital, the cold New York air hit him straight in the face.

“So, which one was she, eh?” Mat asked, to which Anthony replied with a roll of his eyes. Like he was openly going to tell his best friend but more importantly the big mouth of the team which of the healthcare staff he had a tiny crush on.

“None of your business and I’m probably never going to see her again so it doesn’t matter,” he replied, trying to convince himself more than his teammate.

Sarah sighed, one more patient to triage then she could have her Wednesday evening to herself, a bottle of wine and whatever takeout she ordered. She looked at Rebecca and the two of them shared a look that only they could decipher. It meant they would be having sushi for dinner and Rebecca started to place the rolls that she knew the two of them would want in her UberEats basket from their favourite place. All Sarah had to do was get her head down and finish her day of work quickly. Luckily, the next patient was a regular donator and knew the whole procedure. She was able to get them processed quickly and headed to the staff room to collect the small number of belongings she had brought with her. 

Her locker was the furthest away from the entrance, but she didn’t mind. She looked forward to graduating to a bigger and more accessible locker in the future, but hopefully in the emergency department. Backpack, wallet, phone, coat, scarf, beanie. One more once over of the locker to ensure that it was fully empty, which it was, and Sarah was ready to go home. She was incredibly thankful that she did not have any classes or have to be up early for her psychiatry rotation so she could have the entire bottle of wine she desired that evening.

As she passed the reception desk, Sarah saw that Rebecca was waiting for her with a hot chocolate for her to keep her hands warm on the drive back to their apartment in Bay Ridge. The two shared a car as it kept the cost of maintaining it low, they both worked at the same hospital so driving was shared between the two of them. Sarah would take the morning drive and Rebecca would drive them home in the evening. It was a dynamic that worked, and they couldn’t thank the heavens more for each other.

The drive to their apartment wasn’t too long, and after watching the world go by for 45 minutes or so, Rebecca pulled into the parking lot of their apartment complex. They both exited the car at the same time and Sarah was faster to reach the elevator so called it down for them. Music softly played in the car and Rebecca informed Sarah that she had ordered dinner and it should be at their door in about 20 minutes which gave both of them time to change into something comfier and get started on a bottle of wine. 

Time passed quickly once the food arrived and the girls enjoyed being in each other’s company for the first time in what seemed like ages. Sarah was always busy with assignments or in the hospital and Rebecca was working full time as a receptionist whilst taking night classes to try and get into law school. They were focussed women which is why they were the friends that everyone would marry each other if they hadn’t found other people by the age of 40. Platonic soulmates, that’s what everyone called them and it was the best way to define them.

Thursday was filled with assignments for the two roommates. Rebecca had a 2000 word introduction to property law and a 3000-word essay on an interesting criminal case that she had found. It wasn’t like Sarah had the day easy, she was tasked with reading and taking notes from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Section II, on depressive disorders. The book wasn’t light reading in the slightest, but this interested Sarah. She worked through the chapter and was able to do some outside reading into how they are treated, through a combined approach of medication and what is sometimes referred to as ‘talk therapy’. 

The two had consumed more coffee in one day than was considered healthy, but they did this to ensure that they had a free weekend and could ensure that they were able to enjoy their time off. It was uncommon for them to have an entirely free weekend but it was worth it so they could see Rebecca’s family. They were coming across from Trenton to spend the Saturday with the girls and both of them couldn’t wait to spend time with them. Both of their families were close, but when Rebecca’s family had moved from Newark to Trenton when they were in college, it became more difficult for them to meet up regularly. This was why it was special for the two girls.

By 7 in the evening, they had both decided they had done enough work for the day and made their way to the kitchen to try and decide what they should make for dinner. After a quick rummage through the cupboards, they settled on a simple carbonara. It wasn’t overly simple but didn’t stretch either of their culinary abilities. “Want to watch anything in particular on tv tonight?” Rebecca shouted from the living room. Sarah popped her head out from behind the door frame to say that she didn’t care as long as it wasn’t reality tv to which they both laughed. “How about your hockey boys?” Rebecca questioned.

Sarah raised one of her eyebrows in confusion, unsure of what Rebecca was talking about until she checked the TV set to see the Islanders warming up before their game that evening. “Eugh,” she sighed. At this point, Rebecca was the only person who knew that she had helped them with their blood donation, but Sarah kept reminding her that it was only observations and not actually taking the blood for their donation. The difference was subtle to the majority of people, but Sarah always tried her best to explain different medical terms to people, sometimes it was easier than others. 

They agreed to watch the game together so Sarah quickly finished plating up their food and Rebecca walked through to collect some glasses of water. Due to the fact their apartment was pretty small, they didn’t have a proper dining table to sit at and eat food, usually, it was a quick affair at the kitchen island but the girls chose to change the scenery up for once by eating on the couch. The game was only a few minutes into the first period and it didn’t look like they had missed much which they were thankful for. 

It was a well-fought game for the Islanders, even Sarah had to admit a 2-1 OT win over the Bruins was impressive even if they weren’t Jersey. She did sneak a look at Anthony during the intermission interviews and it hit her that she had met, not just one, but two hockey players. Sarah knew that she didn’t have a chance with a professional hockey player because that would involve actually seeing them again and in a city as large as New York, the stars would have to align for them to even notice each other in passing.

The Islanders social media team had waited until after their Thursday night win to post about Mathew and Anthony visiting the hospital to donate blood. They even found out that Anthony’s blood had made its way to the neonatal unit at the hospital and it had helped to save the life of a baby girl. As soon as he had discovered this, Anthony made a mental note to try and get in contact with the family and invite the girl, when she was well, to a game on his behalf. He felt proud, he was able to overcome his fear and help save the life of someone. Before, he thought it was silly to voluntarily go and get poked with a needle, but when he heard that it had saved someone’s life, it felt different. He knew he would donate blood again. 

The photo taken at the blood drive was present on the screens around the arena and was also posted online. The team made sure not to tag Sarah in the Instagram and Twitter posts to try and avoid the chance of harassment but included her handles on the attached articles because they knew that fewer people would read the article. It was smart, but Anthony didn’t read the article, he just went on Instagram and saw that she hadn’t been tagged so he assumed that she would be the one that got away.

Anthony checked his calendar, realising that he had an appearance to make at the New York Mets game and questioned why his past self had agreed to it. He wasn’t the biggest fan of baseball but as he thought over it, he was relatively happy to have said yes. A night off, with some of his teammates, a few beers and nachos. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything, everything seemed to be going wrong for Sarah. First of all, her alarm didn’t go off on time so she had to rush to get ready for lunch with Rebecca’s parents. Second of all, the red shirt that she had planned on pairing with black skinny jeans had just disappeared so she had to settle on one that was black and covered in small flowers. It showed off a bit more of her shoulder than she was hoping but it was nothing that her puffer jacket wouldn’t keep warm. Third of all, their apartment was out of coffee, so instead of making a vanilla latte and putting it into her travel mug, Sarah had to fork out five dollars for one made at Starbucks. Finally, after all of this, she had to run to catch the train into the city but missed the one she had planned on taking, closed its doors the moment her foot touched the platform. 

She audibly sighed when she sat down at the table alongside Rebecca’s parents. James and Rachel were lovely people and Sarah couldn’t have picked a better set of parent’s to be friends with. They understood the demands of a college degree such as an M.D. as they had both attended college followed by graduate school. Nonetheless, they were glad to see that their daughter and her best friend were enjoying themselves living in the Big Apple. It wasn’t too much of a culture shock for the girls, as they had grown up on the other side of the Hudson river and often went across to New York for the shopping experience but living in a city that big was. The difference from living in college dorms to an apartment was something the girls knew they wanted to share.

Lunch passed quickly, and the four of them made their way across to Citi Field in preparation for the afternoon game. As they were waiting for some food to snack on during the game, an announcement caught Sarah off guard. “And today we welcome as special guests, your very own, New York Islanders!”

She had to make sure she had heard the announcer properly and she did when she saw the faces of two people she had helped at the hospital just days prior on the big screen. Aside from Mathew and Anthony, there wasn’t any face that rang a bell, even when they introduced each of them. It must have been because she would rather settle down with a book rather than watching grown men balancing on a knife’s edge on ice and body slam into everything. 

Even being a fan of the Devils, she enjoyed the atmosphere of the game as opposed to the actual game on the ice. Occasionally going to a game was a simple way to meet up with old friends and catch up with how they had been doing. The social side was what interested her rather than the actual sporting side. Sarah did have to admit that following some of the Devils players on social media was amusing, especially P.K Subban, he seemed to think he was a social media star alongside being a defenceman. But this was the team she had grown up watching, not the Islanders.

The four made their way to their seats and were happy that they hadn’t missed any of the game. It was an interesting first experience for Sarah, as she had never been to a baseball game. Her parents never really took her along to sporting events but she grew up learning ballet and she attributed her patience and perseverance to that. She wished that she had more time and money to continue the hobby, but a college degree brought her classes constantly and more debt than she wished to make sense of.

Although she had never been to a game before, she was able to pick the game up quickly, especially with a few pointers from James and Rachel. Yes, there were a few things that she struggled to understand but to a first-time viewer, she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to understand everything immediately. It turned out to be a rather exciting game and the four were enjoying the atmosphere, eating the snacks they had bought and watching sports. 

She wondered if her life would have been different had she spent more time watching professional sports rather than studying and dancing. But then she realised that she wouldn’t have become the person she was and she loved herself for who she was, and anyone who tried to get her to change wasn’t worthy of her friendship. Sarah prided herself on only being friends with people who respected her, especially after an incident in high school. It was never spoken about, but the people who cared about her knew about it and always looked after Sarah when she dealt with friendship issues. She kept her friendship group small and her walls high, but sometimes that was necessary.

Sarah looked around, trying to find the correct route to the bathrooms. Every arena was different and that never made needing to go any easier. She asked Rachel if she knew the route, thankfully she was able to pass across some basic directions to help Sarah. Head up and just follow what Rachel told you, it’s not that far, she told herself. There wasn’t a line so she was able to head straight in and out quickly. 

It took her a few moments to regain her bearings and start walking again because it seemed like as soon as she started she was stopped by a firm chest. “God, I’m so sorry,” she started apologising to the mysterious stranger she had just crashed into.

“Hey, no worries,” the stranger replied as Sarah stepped back to notice who it actually was that she had walked into. “Aren’t you that nurse from the blood drive?” Anthony asked, thanking the heavens that he might have actually found the girl.

“I was at the blood drive, but I’m not a nurse,” she laughed. He wasn’t the first person to think she was a nurse and wouldn’t be the last. “I’m one of the student doctors, I’m in my final year and help out at the blood drive once a week.”

“Well, urm,” Anthony stuttered, “thanks. Maybe I’ll see you again?” 

“Yeah, if you come along on the same date in two months I’ll be there,” Sarah smiled.

“Thanks, and sorry for crashing into you,” Anthony apologised.

“No worries,” Sarah replied, “maybe see you then?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, watching her turn around and walk back to where she was sitting.

You’re an idiot, Anthony thought to himself. Surely, there was something better he could have said other than maybe I’ll come to the blood bank again. It might have been a good cause, but it would involve him overcoming his fear once again, but maybe for her, he could? 

Sarah returned and the Mets had just started the fourth innings. She informed Rebecca, who she was sat next to about who she had walked into. Rebecca’s mouth hung open and her mother had to ensure that she was okay before asking why the hell her daughter was catching flies. Immediately, Rebecca launched into the entire story of two of New York’s elite sportsmen who had come to their hospital and how Sarah was the one to do their observations. If that wasn’t enough to shock James and Rachel, Sarah bumping into Anthony outside the toilets would have been.

“How crazy,” James exclaimed. His wife agreed and told the girls that fate must have been on their side that day. Sarah thought about it as the game continued, on the train home and in bed that night. Was it really fate? Or just two people who lived in the same city accidentally meeting in the same place twice? Meeting might have been exaggerating slightly, they had been in professional circumstances the first time and bumping into someone accidentally at a sports event certainly wasn’t ideal either. She tried to push the constant confusing thoughts out of her head as she tried to sleep.

Anthony was thinking the same things as he made his way to bed that night. Why couldn’t he have struck up a proper conversation with her? Why did he assume she was a nurse when she clearly told them she was a student doctor? He was a self-aware idiot who needed help talking to girls. But it wasn’t like he could just go back to the hospital, with the description of the girl and ask them to tell him who she was. He had to hope that fate would bring them together once again.

He thought about asking Mat for help, but then remembered all the failed dates he was always going on. It had to be one of the older guys on the team, the ones who were married. Anders, as the captain, was always a safe bet. He was caring and commanding in the way only the captain of an NHL team could be. Anders was also amazing when it came to giving advice. 

“Tito,” Anders spoke at practice the following day, “I just don’t know how you expect me to give you advice when you know basically nothing about this girl.” Anthony’s face frowned, but he understood where he was coming from. It wasn’t like the two of them had been on a few dates and he wanted to take the next step. “General advice though, don’t fuck up when talking to a girl.” Anthony had to let out a laugh, it wasn’t like he wanted to destroy any of his chances with any girl, it was that sometimes his awkward side came out. He knew it was normal to get slightly flustered when talking to someone attractive, but all he wanted was to meet her again so he would be able to have another chance.

Sarah checked the order on her phone one more time. Being the student doctor meant that she was often tasked with going on a coffee run. She didn’t mind though, she was just looking forward to the days when she could be the one offering treatment, even if the psychiatry ward wasn’t where she saw herself in the future. Unfortunately, she had to head to a Starbucks that was slightly further away from the hospital due to the usual one being out of almond milk which is what Dr Jones had in his coffee. Sarah warned the staff about this but they informed her that it was okay and rounds could wait until she got back. They also said that they would let her help with some procedures on the patients when she returned which made her become more excited to return to the hospital.

The scarf the young girl was wearing engulfed her body, but it kept her warm, and that was all that she cared about. Fashion was second to being warm and comfortable, especially in the New York winter. It was only a five-minute walk to the coffee shop which Sarah was thankful for as she wanted to spend as much time in a building with heating as possible which was completely understandable. She watched the small amount of snow as it fell on her short walk and some of it stayed on her coat until she entered the shop. It wasn’t a busy day, but she had arrived earlier than the estimated time suggested so she found an unoccupied seat easily and busied herself on her phone. The peace and quiet was something Sarah rarely had time to enjoy working in a hospital so she savoured the short amount of time she was in it for.

Her enjoyment was cut short by a group of rowdy people who walked in to collect a to-go order like she was. They were directed to sit down near where Sarah was sitting and she hoped that her order was almost ready so she could try and get away from the people causing all of the noise. “Fancy seeing you here,” Sarah heard a voice from behind where she was sitting and slightly turned her head to see a slightly dishevelled Anthony Beauvillier. She greeted him awkwardly, not really sure how to address someone you had only met twice and one of those times she was being filmed and the other was a complete accident. 

“Are you waiting for coffee?” he asked, mentally face palming as he asked. Of course, she’s here for coffee, it’s a coffee shop, what else would she be here for? Anders said don’t fuck up and what was the first thing he did? Fuck up.

“Yeah,” Sarah replied, trying to hide a laugh at how nervous he seemed. “As the med student, I’ve been tasked with grabbing some coffees before we start rounds.”

“Isn’t there a coffee place closer to the hospital?” Anthony asked, genuinely curious. He was almost certain that when he brought Mat for an operation the other month he stopped by the one that was right outside. 

“There is, but they were out of almond milk. So here I am,” she said, laughing slightly. Anthony nodded in understanding hoping that he would be able to ask for her number rather than stutter over his words once again.

“I know this seems really random,” he started, not really sure how to phrase it without seeming weird, “but fate had brought us together three times and I’d rather not risk it again. Could I maybe get your number?” Anthony reached up to scratch the back of his neck, he couldn’t have fucked up another time, could he? 

“Yeah sure, pass me your phone,” Sarah responded with a smile. She was glad that he had asked her rather than her asking because she would never have been able to. She was always the quiet one in her group of friends, but she didn’t need to be loud to be noticed. Her academic achievements showed off more than she could ever say. Anthony quickly pulled his phone out of

his pocket, unlocked it and found the contacts section. Sarah found the add new contact section and typed in her name and number. “There you go,” she exclaimed just as the barista called her name. “Text me?” she asked Anthony who responded with a swift nod of his head.

He was still in shock, how on earth was he actually able to ask her for her number and why on earth did she actually give it to him? Anthony made his way back to the group of hockey players and Anders quickly pulled him aside. He asked Anthony if she was the girl and a few questions about her so he could attempt to figure out the situation. It wasn’t like he was going to share anything that he found out, he just wanted the best for his young winger and if that involved a girl, he was going to be happy for him.

The entire conversation with Anthony had thrown Sarah off but she knew that she couldn’t let it bother her professionally so went back to the ward as if nothing had ever happened, and was able to help with a few patient diagnoses and even suggested medications to her superiors who were impressed with the knowledge that she had in the subject. They even asked if she was considering a residency in the field because they would love to have her on board. It wasn’t like she could say no, instead she told them that she was keeping her options open and wanted to experience as many fields as possible before choosing her field. Even though she knew that there was only one place that she saw herself, in the emergency department.

She eventually found time in the day, 4 in the afternoon, to rest her legs for the first time in what seemed like days. Sarah loved the time she spent in the hospital and was beginning to learn how to survive on little sleep and lots of coffee. She also enjoyed the variety of patients she was seeing and the fact that they were actual human beings not just case studies on a piece of paper. Helping people was always something that she enjoyed doing.

Rebecca was adding the final touches to the roasted vegetables as Sarah made her presence known in their apartment. Sarah placed her backpack down on the couch and quickly followed the scent of salmon to the kitchen. “Becca,” she groaned, “you take too good care of me.” Rebecca shook her head as she continued to plate up the dinner. The conversation that the two had over their food, and a glass of red wine which according to Sarah was acceptable because it promoted blood thinning. 

Sarah mentioned it when they were clearing up, which wasn’t the smartest idea she had ever had because Rebecca almost dropped the dishes into the sink. “You saw him again?” Rebecca exclaimed, wanting to make sure she had heard her best friend right because there was no way that she had seen a group of the Islanders in a Starbucks and had given her number to Anthony Beauvillier.

“Yeah,” Sarah replied, “I mean, I gave him my number so it’s probably gonna be hidden in a pile of other, prettier girls numbers, but hey. I tried, and that’s all I can do.” Rebecca sent a soft smile in her housemate’s direction, she knew that there had to be a reason for fate to bring them to the same place three times. It couldn’t just be a coincidence anymore, could it?

Anthony sunk into the soft material of his and Mat’s main couch, wishing the world would just engulf him. He groaned into one of the cushions as he tried to release all of the awkwardness that his body held. Mat tried to get him to talk, especially when he noticed that he was talking to a girl at the coffee shop but Anthony was stubborn and refused to say anything. Mat was the one who had a better track record out of the two, but Anthony didn’t need to hear his best friend bragging about all the different ways he had seduced different women into his bed in different states across the country. He needed advice on keeping the same woman around him.

Yes, he had previous girlfriends but none stayed around longer than two months or however long it took for them to get intimate a few times and he hated that. Anthony wanted to form a connection with someone, he wanted to come home from a long road trip to someone waiting in bed for him, he wanted someone who was available to go on dates with him regularly. He wanted love. And it was proving harder than he wanted it to be to find.

Matt Martin had decided that this losing streak needed to end, so he took them to an all-expenses-paid training camp on Cape Cod during the few days they had between games. As an experienced player, he knew that taking some time away from watching tape and having failed set plays occur during training was the best thing they could do. So he found a place that fit their needs and was able to cater to their weird athlete diet. They kept in shape by taking part in a variety of watersports and using the spacious gym facilities that were on offer. It also allowed Anthony to pull Anders aside once more to try and get advice on what to do. 

At this point, Anders was close to telling him that he needed to do something but refrained from saying it in those words as he knew that this was a difficult thing for a teammate to bring to him. “Just text her,” Anders told him, collecting a towel to wipe away the sweat forming on his brow as the two completed some interval training on the treadmill.

“I would,” Anthony replied sarcastically, “but what do I say?” Anders noticed the genuine concern in his voice, did this girl he had met all of three times really have such a hold over him? All he could do was give the most sensible advice he could think of and told him that he would try and ask some people under the radar for more information but stressed that he needed to actually get in contact with her. 

Anthony told his captain that he would try his best but his anxious feeling never seemed to go away, especially when he opened up her contact to send her a message. He kept thinking of everything that could go wrong, and never the positives that he could get out of it. Yes, he might not get a girlfriend out of it, but even gaining a new friend would be much better than not even trying. But he pushed these thoughts to the side, well, as best as he could, before moving to work on some hand-eye coordination tasks alongside some of his potential linemates.

The three day trip to Massachusetts came to an end much quicker than all of the Islanders wanted, but Barry Trotz was pleased to see that they were rejuvenated from their time away and was able to try the same drills they had done previously and this time they were a lot more successful. This translated to a successful win streak against the Rangers and Flyers and they all decided that it was the right time to celebrate.

Vodka shots, tequila shots, sambuca shots. If it was liquor, it could be found in the private room that the Islanders had booked for their celebration. Anthony had meant to invite Sarah, he did send her a simple text telling her that this was his number, but he couldn’t justify throwing her into the life of a WAG when they were barely even friends, so he simply told her that he was going on a night out in celebration which she completely understood, he had worked hard for his job as an athlete and deserved to celebrate.

Sarah didn’t want to scare Anthony by mentioning that she was doing her rotation in the emergency department in case she was at the closest hospital to him and someone needed immediate attention. She thought it was a long shot, but at around 1 am she heard a voice that she recognised. Dr Stevens was the doctor she was shadowing and he had just been introducing the two of them to the patient who was a lovely elderly couple where one of them had a fall and they were recommended to visit the ED to make sure that they were all okay. 

She was instructed to begin some basic observations and took a few samples of blood to send down to the labs; it was a procedure that she had done many times on her colleagues and models but one she was unfamiliar with on elderly people as their veins weren’t always as visible. The couple were lovely and continued to encourage her even as she struggled but it was the motivation she needed as she was able to collect the appropriate number of vials needed to test for a variety of conditions.

James, one of the nurses, had begun to start looking after the crowd of boys by first, taking some general observations of each of them to make sure that they were not suffering from over intoxication. He thanked the lord, even though he was an atheist, that they were just drunk. He was able to collect some water for the two who weren’t injured then was able to take a quick look at Mat’s hand. James quickly called over Sarah for help when it came to attaching an IV and Dr Stevens had made sure that if he wasn’t looking after her that the most experienced nurse would be assisting her, tonight that being James.

Sarah was shocked to see Mat with a bloody rag covering his wrist, covering what looked like a relatively deep graze. James informed her of the situation and that she needed to attach him to an IV and would be observing him putting in a set of absorbable stitches to quickly solve the small issue of his graze. She agreed but Anthony and Matt, who for some reason thought that they needed a father figure at the hospital, kept trying to distract her. It wasn’t like she minded chatty patients, in fact, they were some of her favourites because it meant that she was able to find out more information about conditions they had, but drunk people weren’t her forte. However, she was beginning to notice that a night shift in the emergency department consisted of more drunk people than she thought.

One of the other nurses, Shelly, was able to lead Anthony and Matt to an empty bay where they were given a few more bottles of water and some snacks to help them sober up. Occasionally, someone would stick their head in to make sure that New York’s Long Island’s finest were doing okay. 

It was relatively easy to hook Mat to the IV and he was pretty comfortable when James began to stitch up his graze. He had experienced it multiple times and more often than not there was no pain relief so the small amount he had been given was a lifesaver. He did continue to chat to Sarah as if he was competing for Canada but she understood why. Hospitals were not a nice place to be at the best of times and if this made him more comfortable, then he should do that. It wasn’t up to her to tell him what made him comfortable, that was completely out of bounds.

A few minutes passed, and Sarah had begun to start Mat’s discharge paperwork and that included sending a small report to the doctors at their training facilities. She imagined if she were one of them, she wouldn’t be too impressed to hear that one of her star forwards had slightly injured himself, but that was for Mat to explain. She was simply documenting what she saw and the procedures that were undertaken. 

2:53 in the morning. Anthony had sobered up enough to call the three of them an Uber to their respective places and he also thanked Sarah profusely for looking after them too. She was humble, simply letting him know that it was her job, even if she wasn’t getting paid for it. He also promised that as a thank you, he would take her out on a date. Sarah was almost sure that when he woke up, hopefully fully sober, he would have completely forgotten about that so she simply brushed it off with an “of course Anthony.” What else was she meant to say? It wasn’t like she could whip out her phone and just say, tell me the date and time and I’ll be there. This placement was preparing her for a job in a hospital. She couldn’t do that to any other patient, or their family members, so why was Anthony different?

“Professional hockey player, absolutely filled out, oh, and you have a crush on him,” Rebecca told Sarah like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Sarah felt her cheeks heat up as Rebecca went further down the list, it wasn’t like anything that she said was wrong, it just wasn’t what she had hoped to hear at 8 am over a coffee with her best friend. She sighed as she went to pick up the steaming mug of coffee, not sure how to respond.

“Yes, yes and maybe?” Sarah replied, not really sure how to admit to the small amount of feelings she had begun to feel about the winger. The pair had been sporadically messaging each other, mainly a well done for a three-point night or how was the er today? Nothing more than that, but Sarah wanted more but knew that he might not feel the same way and accepted the small amount of communication with him.

Anthony, on the other hand, was sweating and not just from the painful workout that they had just been subjected to. He knew he needed to ask Sarah out on a date, sooner rather than later, because he was certain that she would be able to find someone with whom she could hold more intelligent conversations. She was a medical student, after all, he told himself. As he sat on the small couch in his bedroom, he checked Google Maps searching for a small coffee shop where he could ask her on a weekend, casual date. He picked one that looked nice enough, and just went for it.

Anthony: Hey, this might seem out of the blue but I was wondering if you wanted to go for coffee sometime this weekend? I’m not playing until Monday and I’d really like to see you

And now he had to play a waiting game, but he didn’t have to wait as long. Once he had returned from collecting a parcel, a care package from his mother containing things that he missed from Quebec, he checked his phone to see a reply. He smiled to himself, even if it was a rejection, he wasn’t being ignored which in his books was a massive win.

Sarah: Hiya! That sounds like a great idea, I’ve got a small research thing to do, but I can do that whenever. Text me when and where and I’ll be there :)

The first thing Anthony did was text Anders and let him know. His captain was pleased for him and was happy to hear that he had taken the initiative even if he was worried. But now, Anthony had three more days to worry about something else.

Rebecca shouted through the hallway to try and get Sarah’s attention. Sarah had left her phone in the lounge as she went to change into something more comfortable and it wasn’t like she expected Anthony to reply so quickly either. “It says,” Rebecca started before Sarah swooped in to take the phone out of her hand and held it to her chest. There was no way in hell that Sarah was going to let Rebecca find out that she was going on her first date in 4 years, let alone with Anthony Beauvillier of the New York Islanders.

As she raised one of her eyebrows, Rebecca looked over quizzically at her best friend. “Tell me who that text was from and I’ll drop it completely,” she bargained knowing that even though she was studying law there was no way in hell she would be able to get any more information out of Sarah.

The two shared a look and Sarah knew that Rebecca wouldn’t push, or at least she hoped. “Anthony,” she said, wishing that she either assumed who he was or didn’t care enough to ask. Rebecca’s jaw dropped in shock, did Sarah Milkins really just say that she was going to go for coffee with Anthony. Anthony Beauvillier. Number 18 for the New York Islanders. It wasn’t like it could be a different Anthony as he was the only one who both of them knew and that Sarah would have told Rebecca if she had even been talking to anyone else.

Rebecca tried to get hold of the phone but Sarah quickly ran back into her room and locked the door before she could be asked any more questions. “I’m saying yes, we’re going to Maman at 3 o’clock on Sunday, I’ll be back before nine,” Sarah shouted through the door. Eventually, Sarah let Rebecca into her room and let out a little scream of excitement. They spent the rest of their afternoon discussing date attire and just tried to stay as calm as possible.

maybe this is perfect

Alright here is my finalized repost of the fic I accidentally published yesterday, LOL. If you enjoy, I'd love some support on Ao3 (work link is below)! I wrote this after 2x12 (+ updated to reflect news about 2x13 & 2x15, hehe) as a sort of speculative, "personal ideal" confession scene for the finale episode.

Ao3 | 2,051 words

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"Hey," Nancy says from behind, twisting both hands around the strap of her messenger bag. "Can we talk?"

At the sound of her voice, Ace straightens from in front of his locker. He lets out a close-mouthed sigh as the question sinks into his stomach, and when he turns towards her, the discomfort she's feeling becomes evident in her body language.

"Yeah."

A beat passes where neither makes a move.

Nancy, however, is the first to take a step, drawing in a shuddering breath. "You've been avoiding me... for a while now. Ever since the whole life-and-death thing with Daniel West. And I'm sorry that I was willing to let people die to save you. I thought you would understand, that you would've done the same thing-"

"It's not about the list," Ace cuts in with a shake of his head, "That was a long time ago."

In reality it had only been a few weeks since Nancy and Grant traded a hit list to a professional killer to spare Ace's life, but time seems to move inordinately slow in Horseshoe Bay.

"I know. But that was also the same time I called in for a favor with Celia Hudson..." she allows her sentence to drift off there, urging Ace to connect the unspoken dots.

He hadn't tried to hide his feelings on the whole Celia situation, especially whenever he and Nancy talked one-on-one; yet still, her ability to pinpoint the root of behaviors she already notices in him never fails to surprise.

"I just... wish you would have consulted me before you made a deal with the devil."

Nancy recalls a talk during which she was alone with Ace, where he'd briefly confessed his dismay at her recent dealings with the Hudson matriarch.

A string of monotone words all run together as she attempts to explain, "We already went over this, Ace. I-I-I had to figure out how to save you, there was no time to consider my options."

"Maybe it wasn't worth it."

Within a second, revulsion twists every feature on Nancy's face.

"I'm sorry, what?" she demands.

Ace doesn't elaborate. Instead he lifts his raincoat from its hook and shuts the door to his locker, staring down at the garment in his hands with a shamed expression. It isn't long before Nancy has his elbow in a firm grip.

"Hey," she convinces him to whirl around and face her. "You're worth it to me."

You're always worth it to me. You're worth everything to me. A thousand times over, she wants to say. But she doesn't.

"I guess that's my problem."

"Your problem is that I care about you?"

"I don't want to be the reason you sell your soul to the Hudsons."

Nancy blinks, her ferocity weakening as she pulls away. "Aren't I allowed to make my own choices?"

"Of course. But... that doesn't mean I have to like them."

The way he says it is so casual, so lacking in venom that it makes her stomach wrench. He doesn't realize that the only approval Nancy craves is his; she is willing to stand up against even the closest of people in her life - Nick, George, her own father - but not Ace. His opinion of her serves as a compass whenever Nancy is too tired or worn down to trust her own judgment. His opinion is the one that matters most.

"Then what do you want from me? Tell me what I can do to make it better."

It's the most fragile, the most desperate she thinks she's heard herself. Nancy Drew is independent and decisive and strong. So whose voice is it that wobbles in fear, laying down her pride in the hands of another?

If there's anything Nancy can't stand, it's being clouded over with emotion, but the tightness in her throat only warns of an oncoming flood.

"Honestly, Nancy, I don't know right now. Maybe just... help me understand why before you make these kinds of decisions. I don't want you to get hurt."

Their eyes linger for what feels like an eternity, distanced by walls that neither of them know how to tear down.

When Ace moves, he turns decisively away.

Panic beginning to swell in her chest, Nancy pushes past all the other emotions running through her mind - fear, guilt, uncertainty - and takes one last step into the room before he has the chance to get away.

"I did it because I love you."

If anything could stop him cold in his tracks, it's that particular confession. His eyes meet the floor in front of him, speechless and calculating, each second ticking by in tense silence. He turns to face her once more.

There in the center of the room she stands, the bold and courageous girl detective herself, looking smaller than ever. Her voice is barely above a whisper now, eyes in danger of spilling over, "Ace... I think I might be in love with you."

Ace stands motionless in awe, save for a swallow and quick shift of his weight.

When Nancy gets nervous she often rambles to relieve some of her tension. "I didn't know how to say it before, and I- have never actually been in love so maybe I didn't even know what I was feeling until recently, but, you were with Amanda Bobbsey and not in love with me and it's all... very confusing..."

Breath leaves her lungs as quickly as words leave her tongue, anxiety shaking her down to the core. She blinks when the self-awareness sets in; lowers her gaze to the floor for a length of awkward silence.

"Nancy."

Eventually she looks back up to find him just a few feet away now, having crossed the room sometime after she finished prattling on about nothing. His raincoat hits the bench.

"There are.. a lot of reasons why I can't do this right now." He indicates himself with a curved hand to his chest.

Though her heart sinks, Nancy's eyelids still flutter. "But you- you would? Hypothetically?"

His mouth flattens into something that's not quite a smile, eyes as earnest as ever. "It's just that... y'know, Amanda's only been gone for a week. And I don't want to lose what we have - what all of us have."

"You won't," Nancy states with a furrowed brow, "Why do you think you would lose us?"

He bobs his head a bit. "Things could get complicated between us. Especially considering... things."

"What do you mean? What kind of things?"

"Well, I'm not trying to point fingers, but... there is your track record. With relationships."

It doesn't escape her attention that he refuses to make eye contact when he says the last part. She tenses up and repeats, "My track record?"

Ace opens his mouth to soften the words, but the look on his face is enough to suffice as an apology. Nancy retreats on her own as three particular guys - Ned Nickerson, Owen Marvin and Gil Bobbsey - flash through her mind's eye. Guys she had used as a distraction, a rebound, and a means of sexual gratification, all of which Ace witnessed firsthand from the sidelines.

"Yeah I deserve that, don't I," she says quietly.

"No, you don't. That part's fine. It's about everything else."

"Everything else being the Hudsons, Amanda, and losing what we have."

He offers only a nod. Draws in a breath. "Nancy, I want to love you too. And I'm not saying that I don't, but..." his voice breaks, just a bit, but enough for Nancy to notice.

"...It's not the right time," she finishes for him with a resigned nod; "yeah," under her breath.

This time it's Nancy who won't meet Ace's eyes. She darts them all across the room in avoidance, lips pursing together. "I'm- I'm sorry. This is.. not really who I am and I probably shouldn't have said anything to begin with, but-"

"No - no, don't apologize," Ace says with the usual gentle firmness and a slight tilt of his head. "I'm glad you said something. Really glad. In fact, um, if you're not opposed... there is something I wouldn't mind trying before you go off to Columbia."

"Ha. Who says I'm getting into Columbia?" she asks sardonically, crossing her arms.

Ace gives a subtle grin of support. "You'll get into Columbia."

She stops to consider his words, but then emits a soft chuckle, smiling gratefully at her best friend as though there were no mistakes, no confession of feelings, no heartbreak to contend with.

Time drags on as his vague statement from before remains unaccounted for, though almost as if pulled by gravity, there's a mutual instinct that draws them closer together.

Along with instinct, however, is hesitation - a slowness in the way they line themselves up, a caution in the way they read each others' eyes. Gradually his hands find their way to her jawline and before she knows it, in stark contrast to their prior pace, her back is up against metal with the most satisfying warmth she's ever known on her lips.

Nancy's entire body lights on fire, so much that it takes a dazed moment before she is able to react. Her eyebrows lift as she takes full advantage of the moment, kissing him back with the fervor of months worth of pent-up feelings all finally coming to surface; hands crawl upwards from his arms, to his shoulders, and eventually land on either side of his neck.

For a few rapturous seconds, they allow themselves to melt entirely into each other with the realization that things won't be like this again for a while; not until they're able to overcome the doubts, the obstacles, the emotional walls that they both know would cause more harm than good if they were to pursue this now.

Maybe this is perfect. Maybe one kiss - one blissful, ravenous taste of just what it is they're missing out on is enough to satiate their appetites for the time being and prepare them for what's to come.

With one last surge forward, hands sliding down his chest, Nancy realizes that kissing Ace never felt this good in her dreams.

Then, sooner rather than later, it's over.

Though their lips disconnect, everything else remains. A breathless minute comes and goes before either have any words to speak.

"Are you- are you sure you don't want to change your mind?" Nancy finally asks through her teeth, eyes drifting down to his mouth more than once.

A smirk tugs at his face as he steps back, hands remaining on Nancy's forearms for perhaps a touch longer than necessary. "Few more of those and I might."

Nancy gives a wistful giggle, using her shoulders to launch herself away from the lockers right when her phone buzzes.

Ace watches with curiosity as she opens her latest text notification, but waits silently to be filled in.

"It's George. She says they're waiting for us at their place," Nancy murmurs with her brow lowered, looking at Ace for a potential answer to her confusion.

Rarely one to disappoint, Ace nods in recognition. "Oh yeah, they took it upon themselves to reschedule game night. I was supposed to tell you."

Nancy raises her eyebrows in good spirit. "Ah. Well, I'm sure glad you told me in plenty of time."

"Come to think of it, Bess pretty much insisted I be the one to tell you. The whole thing must've been a ruse."

Nancy shrugs. "Eh, you know what they say. What's done is done." she waits a beat before thumbing towards the back door over her shoulder. "Join me?"

"Yeah," Ace agrees as he grabs his raincoat and the pair start walking out. "Yeah but I have to warn you, none of what just transpired is going to have any affect on how badly I demolish you in Absurd Code Word."

"Wow, Ace, I think you're underestimating my game night abilities. Have you ever seen me in Absurd Code Word?"

"Don't need to."

"I see. Is it because I'm a girl?"

"C'mon, Nancy. You know me better than that."

The ease with which they're able to shift gears serves as a delicate reminder of how intrinsically they are connected; of the level of comfort and stability within their potential when the time is right.

Whenever that may be.

Personalities

Guess I’ve never really did one post like this one, but I wanted to list out how I envision the guys to be like, generally. My creativity has been going down the drain lately, so hopefully that’ll boost me up a bit !

-- Leo --

Leo gives out that tough, serious vibe, mostly because he’s the leader and wants to show that he’s in control.

...

But in general, that dude does like to laugh and have some fun!

Don’t worry though, he knows when he has to be serious!!!! ... At some points he just has to relax, you know?

A Man of Culture ™ , he owns some bonsai trees and loves to meditate so he can have a clearer mind. Tranquility is his way to recharge his batteries (yes, I do see him as an ambivert, with a strong introvert side).

 A comic books fan, shares that passion with Mikey! He’s more of a Marvel fan, personally - some of his favorites are Spider-Man, Black Panther, Captain America, and probably a bunch of others).

Anger and strong emotions can hinder his leading choices. Anxiety rises in him, which can cloud his thoughts, but he’s working hard on that (and he’s kinda good at hiding his panic, generally).

Even if he doesn’t say it often - he does love spending time with his brothers! Watching basketball matches is definitely a must for those four.

A Leo in love is a smiling Leo. A true gentleman, he can turn into quite the passionate lover when alone with his s/o. He’s not much a fan of PDA, but his s/o shouldn’t worry much about that as the affection is multiplied tenfold later on.

Actually has a good singing voice, but he would prefer to die than to let people know.

Values Splinter’s opinion highly and often goes to him for guidance about many things - mostly regarding his leadership.

It’s a bit hard for him to let new people enter his life, since he’s scared for his family to be discovered and out in the open by any means possible, but he’s slowly starting to trust his instincts and his brothers’, knowing when it’s safe to let certain people in their world or not.

He’s an avid reader. Has a preference for classic litterature, but also enjoys horror, crime stories, and a bit of romance (if he really feels like it).

-- Raph --

Sir Raph bitchinson is in DAH HOUSE.

He’s not afraid to speak up and call out anything wrong in this household.

He and Donnie love to gossip and bitch around - you can’t change my mind. But they do that in secret though (wouldn’t want to hurt people with their judgements!!!)

Can be pretty much eloquent, when given the chance. He’s more street smart than book smart, but all knowledge is good knowledge.

He always likes to come up with some challenges for himself and his bros. Some sort of “friendly” competition amongst them, just to spice things up. He does consult Splinter sometimes to see what could be done in order to train certain skills.

Raph has a lot of love to give, but doesn’t like to show it plainly. He’s gotta show that big buff strong man attitude !!!!!!!!!! ... But he does have a big heart.

He and Mikey definitely do some music on the side - which has sparked the hilarious idea of a Hip Hop Christmas album. ... Mikey does call himself “MC Mikey”, but Raph is a better rapper.

Suprisingly good with arts and crafts (ex: woodcarving, knitting). Patience, precision, and carefulness are skills he has to work on often.

Training and lifting weights are his prefered ways to think back and analyze various things. That’s why when he’s angry, he goes out to train. It gives him the opportunity to calm down (somehow) and review the situation.

Even though his arguments with Leo can turn quite bitter, he knows he’d miss them if they were to stop. Butting heads with the leader is what brings them together (some would argue it’s not a healthy relation, but both are strong headed so it’s just always gonna be like that, you know~)

-- Donnie --

You know that shy, awkward, nerd stereotype? Throw that out the window, please.

Donnie sure is quiet when he first meets new people, but that’s only so he can observe them better and get to know how to interact with them better.

Once he’s starting to grow more comfortable, he’s probably one of the chillest dude you could hang out with.

Sure, sometimes he’ll start blabbering about his projects and throw out some complex terms, but that’s just because he’s always happy to include people into his things (IF the project is going well, that is...)

A patient teacher. Yes sometimes it’s tiring having to explain whenever he says a big word, but he doesn’t mind overall explaining and bringing forth new knowledge to those who seek it.

He’s not one to flaunt his intellect. He is not above anyone and he understands that not everyone has the same passions as him. Everybody can learn something new everyday - himself included.

Has a good sense of humor, mostly sarcastic. Is always up to doing some pranks around the lair with Mikey.

Donnie’s anger management could be described as “the calm before the storm”. He usually has a good control over his emotions, but if they ever get to explode, he can be quite ... “sharp”. He doesn’t hold his words and can be a bit judgemental when angry - but he’s quick to rectify the situation and apologize. Overall, when he’s facing a situation that displeases him, he is silent  and thoughtful. ... A lot goes on in his mind.

When in love, Donnie’s heart is soft and he’s a big romantic/cheesy dork. He’s often caught gazing at his s/o, with a smile on his face. He’s not afraid to lay his feelings in the open and doesn’t mind some PDA, but when he and his s/o are alone together, you can say it gets cranked up a bit ;)

Listens to various music genres. Has a preference for 80′s-90′s rock, jazz, and various types of electronic music.

Sometimes does some remote tech support jobs on the side so he and his family can have some money to spend.

Loves to play videogames! The first one he ever completed was Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo (hence why he has a SNES controller with his gear - an object filled with good memories!).

The self proclaimed “handyman” of the lair. He loves tinkering around and find ways to upgrade simple things in the house. He’s always up for a good challenge! (May or may not have a suggestion box for his bros and his dad to drop ideas once in a while <__< !!!)

-- Mikey --

Searching for a litteral ray of sunshine? Look no further; Mikey is here.

For him, finding joy and positivity in anything is a must - at least, most of the time.

He knows his family is not of the ordinary kind with a normal house, but that doesn’t mean things have to be grim and miserable!

This mindset does come at a price though. It does happen for Mikey to have his morale drop considerably low, but in those moments he knows he has his family to support him and make him feel better.

In return he is extremely supportive of anything his family does and will always encourage them when they’re going through a rough patch.

He and Raph love to collect various human items. Mikey has a tendency to go for art related items, which sparked his interest in arts (painting, spray cans/graffiti, drawing).

He also developped an interest in cooking.

Both skills are well received by his bros and he loves to teach them some tricks here and there, along with providing creative inputs to anything (mostly Donnie’s projects).

He’s an empath and doesn’t mind when his brothers vent to him. He wants them to know they are heard and valued! The best medicine he can provide is humor.

He’s a big flirt. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and he’s not afraid to express his admiration.

A party needs to be organized? Leave that to him. He always come up with some cool playlists, lots of booze, various activities, and a theme (if needed).

Loves to reference a lot of movie quotes, popular stuff and such. And it’s never out of place too, which can be surprisingly clever!