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diamondmooniii · 2 years

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What are you resisting?

1-3

♡ p i l e 1 ♡

(7 of pentacles rx, queen of wands rx, 6 of wands rx, the wheel of fortune, page of pentacles rx)

You may have been working on something for a while now, but you feel like it hasn't really been getting the results you expected. You may feel as if you put all that work for nothing and this is leading you to think that it was worthless, when it was not. You may be focusing too much on one particular outcome or the way you initially envisioned this, making you unable to recognize other ways for your desired outcome to come into fruition.

All the effort you've been putting in has been working out, you just can't see it because you're determined to have one particular outcome.

If you let go of the need you have to see this particular outcome play out, you'll be able to see all the fruits of the hard and tedious work you've been putting in.

This resistance may come from how much you want your desires. I mean, you've probably been working on manifesting this thing, and while doing it you've thought about how things could play out and you may have created some resistance (consciously or subconsciously) regarding how it'll come to fruition, blocking your ability to see what's already there.

Simply recognizing and repeating to yourself that what you want is already yours can be useful so you can let go and surrender. Making gratitude lists and focusing on what you want instead of how or when it'll come will help you let go of this resitance too.

♡ p i l e 2 ♡

(The emperor, 10 of swords, king of pentacles, 7 of swords rx, the fool)

You're probably having some control issues right now. This may come from past betrayals. People took advantage of you. They took all you had to give and didn't even care to give back to you. This people were selfish and egotistical and they didn't care about you (I know it sounds harsh... I'm really sorry you had to go through this).

This could be currently manifesting as you controlling those around you and every situation possible, leading to deep anger issues (?) Idk, that's what I heard. You may be even betraying or backstabbing others first, out of fear of the same situations happening to you all over again. I feel like you're basically doing this to protect yourself from experiencing giving too much and getting hurt all over again.

By letting go of this you'd be more confident, because I do feel like you're also doing, and having this mindset, out of insecurity.

You'd be in your element. You'd be able to have beautiful and reciprocal relationships with others, where you'll give and receive as much as you put in. Your energy would be protected and respected, but to get there you have to work on this trauma you have.

It's not going to be easy, working through trust issues rarely is, but by putting constant work you'll be able to finally let go of this fear of going through this all over again. Learning how to set clear and healthy boundaries, and teaching other how to treat you will be beneficial (yes, you need to actually teach others how to treat you because if you don't they'll treat you however they see fit, so you need to learn how to set boundaries and walk away when they're being disrespected). Also working on your self-esteem and self-concept (there's tons of information about this here on Tumblr), and basically shifting your mindset, and doing things without knowing where they'll take you, taking a leap of faith, basically. Seeking more spontaneity instead of trying to control every single situation and its outcome.

♡ p i l e 3 ♡

(Strength, the chariot, king of swords rx, queen of swords rx, the lovers rx, 5 of sword)

Tw: mental health

I feel like this has to do about your mindset. Maybe you've had depression or anxiety, maybe you still do, but I feel like this was in the past. I feel like you're dealing mostly with intrusive thoughts about past situations (?) Or what was left of a depressive episode. You want to change this but I feel that you either lack the courage or you don't know how to utilize it effectively.

This whole thing probably came from a relationship (not necessarily a romantic one, but for some of you that may be the case). Someone or even a group of people that deceived you. Feel like those situations where you think you're part of the group but in reality they all hate you, or someone you trusted (friend or partner) was talking shit behind your back and that led to trust issues and what I mentioned before.

However, as I said previously, I heavily feel like you're leaving that in the past and you genuinely want to change. You've been putting in the work, you've been learning from past mistakes, and even how to be more gentle with yourself. You're finally stepping into your own power. You know what you want and what you deserve and you're no longer tolerating other's bullshit.

You still have a little bit of resistance though, but after working on it you'll have an amazing intuition, you'll be able to instantly know people's intentions. Also, your mind will be clearer and you'll be able to engage with others without forming deep attachments with the wrong people and you'll be able to let others in, instead of being constantly scared and overprotecting yourself.

Letting go of the need to please others will help you with this. Allowing others to leave your life when they want/have to, even cutting off some toxic people too. Remember that not everyone is going to be in your life forever and THAT IS OK. People come and go from our lives, but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that it is some kind of punishment or that you should tie them down and be constantly in their business so they won't ever leave. People come and go and that's perfectly normal, I'd even say it's healthy, because we're not always going to be the same. We grow, we change. I'd suggest you be gentle with yourself because it's not an easy process, but it's necessary and you know it deep down. Also, it's good to look back and reminisce on certain memories as long as you don't entertain this often. Focus on your goals and what's ahead of you, that way you won't feel as burdened. And remember to take it one step at a time to feel at peace. Going to therapy is a really good option if you're able to do it. Sometimes it's better to go to a professional.

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#pac reading #intuitive readings #tarot reading #psychic readings #pick a card reading #pick a card

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aphrostarot · 1 year

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New Lover Pick a Pile

Is there a new relationship coming your way?

As this is a general collective reading, some things may not resonate with you or your situation. DO NOT try forcing it to fit. If you would like to book a personalized reading with me go to my profile and follow the instructions on my pinned post.

If you enjoyed this reading and wanted to support me further you can do so by tipping me in the link in my bio or booking a personal reading with me by dming me.

Pile One:

Will there be a new relationship for you soon?

Ace of Wands and Knight of Swords:

Ace’s in Tarot are all about new beginnings, so having one come here tells me that yes, there will be a new relationship coming your way soon. The Ace of Wands tells you that this relationship may start as friends before it progresses into a romantic one. With the Knight of Swords coming out alongside that, this person will more than likely be the one to ask you out. They might have an aggressive side that may or may not appeal to you. There may also be someone who will meddle in your relationship with this person. They will not want you two to be together and they will try to cause drama to end the relationship.

What will their Zodiac sign be?

The Star:

This person may be an Aquarius or have significant Aquarius placements in their chart. They may be artistically inclined whether it be painting, drawing, music, etc. this person is very talented whether they are aware of it or not.

How is your compatibility?

Four of Cups:

The Four of Cups is not a card with good meaning in a love reading. This relationship will more than likely be just like the other relationships you have been in and this may bore you. It has a risk of you or this person falling into the same patterns that you should be growing away from. This person may not satisfy you in the long run, but this is not to discourage you away from this relationship though. Every single person who enters your life is there to teach you a lesson and this person has lessons to teach you that you may not learn if you do not get into a relationship with them.

Will this be a lasting relationship?

King of Wands and Seven of Wands:

This relationship has the potential to be a lasting relationship if you put your fears aside and communicate with one another. Open and honest communication with each other is the key to a healthy relationship, especially in the case of this one. If however, you do not communicate honestly with each other you will grow tired of one another and this relationship will not progress.

What type of partner are they? (soulmate, twin flame, etc.)

Five of Cups and Queen of Cups:

Based on the other cards that have come out in this reading, I believe that this may be a Twin Flame relationship. This person may mirror you and have very similar toxic traits as you. The Five of Cups is the card of heartbreak which tells me that this person has the potential to cause you a great deal of heartache. With the Queen of Cups coming out too, I believe that this person will understand you on a deep level, however, they mainly will understand your trauma and may trigger deep trauma within you. You both have the potential to grow together if you choose to.

What is the outcome of this desire?

King of Cups:

There are two potential meanings here. This relationship could withstand all of the problems that may come up if the two of you decide to work tother to fix your problems, or, this relationship could end when problems arise. It is in your hands how this relationship will turn out, it all depends on what you choose to do as a couple.

Your sex life 18+ extended reading

Pile Two:

Will there be a new relationship for you soon?

Eight of Coins:

You are someone who knows what they want. You are searching for that special someone who checks off every one of your boxes and you will not take anything less than that. With the Eight of Coins coming out here I have good news, you are going to find that special someone soon. It may be when you start a new job, hobby, or project. This person is going to fit all of your requirements.

What will their Zodiac sign be?

Queen of Swords and Six of Swords:

This person could be an Aquarius or Libra. They could also have significant Aquarius or Libra placements. They are a very quick thinker who is very great at solving any problem they come across. They have the ability to see every situation for what it truly is, this is because they have such clarity in the way that they think. They are definitely a more logical person rather than emotional.

How is your compatibility?

Eight of Cups and Seven of Wands:

This relationship will have its struggles but that is not to say that the two of you will not make it through these problems. You two will be in this relationship for the long haul which will make it that much easier for you both to work through these problems. This person is bringing you into a new life with a whole new perspective on love.

Will this be a lasting relationship?

Knight of Cups:

As long as the two of you have open and honest communication and address the problems when they come up instead of ignoring them, this relationship is set to last. If however the two of you ignore the problems and let them build and build until one or both of you explode this relationship will not last.

What type of partner are they? (soulmate, twin flame, etc.)

Six of Cups:

This person is definitely a soulmate of yours. They check off all of your boxes and almost completely understand you. They are the person that you have always dreamed of being in a relationship with. There is the myth that soulmate relationships are perfect and always easy which is not completely 100% true. Yes, soulmate relationships are easier than other relationships but, they just like any relationship can have their problems. However, because this is a soulmate relationship, when you face these problems it will be easier for you to get through them because the two of you understand each other so well.

What is the outcome of this desire?

Five of Wands and The Devil:

The two of you may bicker quite often and have a very fiery relationship which some people really enjoy but others do not. It is up to you whether or not this is the type of relationship you would like to be in. If this is something that you enjoy then, it seems as though it is a type of relationship where the fights are heated but the makeup sex is phenomenal. All in all the outcome of this relationship is up to you and whether or not this is something you want.

Your sex life 18+ extended reading

Pile Three:

Will there be a new relationship for you soon?

Knight of Pentacles:

There is a romantic partner moving toward you but they are still quite a distance away from reaching you. This relationship will happen but not for quite some time. The Knight of Pentacles is the slowest moving court card which tells you that this person is taking their time on their journey toward you.

What will their Zodiac sign be?

Ace of Swords:

This person could be an air sign (Gemini, Libra, or Aquarius). They aren’t going to be a very emotional person, instead preferring to use logic over emotion when making decisions. They are also quite competitive and love to use their minds to win any game they are playing. They also prefer to be on the move and constantly do things rather than stay idle in life. This is what may make them risktaker that may get them into trouble from time to time.

How is your compatibility?

Page of Swords:

The two of you will have a solid foundation to fall back on in your relationship however, you may get into arguments and bicker quite a bit. This does not mean that you will not be good together because as I said, the two of you will have a solid foundation to fall back on. This means that even when you fight with them you will still make up in the end. You guys may be the types of people who like to argue or don’t view it as a problem because in your eyes it is the two of you working out your problems together and making up in the end. You will both understand this about each other and like that about each other as well.

Will this be a lasting relationship?

Six of Cups:

You will feel as though you have known this person your whole life when you are with them. For some of you, it may actually be that you have known them your entire life. Because of this, the two of you will complete each other in ways nobody else has in the past which will make you want to be with them forever. Your friendship with this person will be very strong and long-lasting which is that solid foundation you have with them. This means that yes, this will be a lasting relationship in your life.

What type of partner are they? (soulmate, twin flame, etc.)

Page of Cups:

This card does not really tell you what type of relationship this is, however, based on the other cards that came out, I believe that this person is a soulmate of yours. The two of you understand each other so deeply and almost complete each other in many ways. This person may be younger than you or just seem like they are because you are more mature than them. You may end up marrying this person.

What is the outcome of this desire?

Ace of Wands and Knight of Wands:

The outcome of this relationship is the two of you starting a new era of life together. You both will inspire the other to change the way you have been going about life and will be more willing to have fun and excitement in your life with them around. You both will be transforming into completely new versions of yourselves when you are together.

Your sex life 18+ extended reading

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99pluto · 7 months

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Seventeen as F1 drivers

So, my bestie and I are both into F1 and we’re carats, and this started as a joke, but I took it seriously. Tbh i don't even know how to use this website, anyway, i had fun with these. Don't take it upfront, it's silly and meant to be funny, not offensive.

Seventeen members as F1 drivers would be:

S.Coups: Michael Schumacher (Ferrari era). Huge crack that makes history ? Well kind of, just like Michael he’d get out of his car to go and beat the shit out of that one mf that crashed into him. No Javi would be in the team anymore, too scared for their life. Kimi Raikkonen type of radios (anger issues). Ultra competitive and would swear as much as Tsunoda.

Jeonghan: Christian Horner. Yes. He is a good tactician deal with it, kinda evil like Horner sometimes, but he’s got as much love to provide to his kids just like Christian with Max. He would start racing but find out he’s even better at managing a team.

Joshua: Sebastian Vettel (not Redbull era). Not Redbull era bc he was (unfairly) disliked (just like Max) at that time, and EVERYONE loves Seb. That’s it, it’s the rule, you like F1 ? You like Seb. You don’t like F1 ? You still like Seb. Unproblematic and engaged king. Also a fucking legend.

Jun: Valteri Bottas (Alfa Romeo era). Unbothered moisturized king that slays. He’s doing his things, he doesn’t care because he knows his worth, you saw him naked and didn’t expect that. Everyone praises him on how he owns his style and he fucking does. Is hilarious when you don’t expect him to be.

Hoshi: George Russell. Iconic, hilarious, massive talent, carried Williams, CARRIED WILLIAMS, nothing to prove cuz he’s one of the best altho the Mercedes is hard to drive, doesn’t complain cuz he’s EXCELLENT and races with an 8th world champion without looking ridiculous next to him.

Wonwoo: Zhou Guanyu. He’s calm and collected, doesn’t make much waves, he’s doing his things and looks good doing them. Good pics, insta feed slays.

Woozi: Fernando Alonso. Dude will hit retirement age and still be talented, pisses me off. Rarely speaks but spicy and precise comments. Will sometimes mess with your mind, he is clever and knows how to handle himself.

DK: Alex Albon (Williams era). He’s EXCELLENT, is happy with what he has, he got treated badly when he was younger but now he knows his worth. Hard work, a sunshine, hella funny.

Mingyu: Charles Leclerc (Ferrari depressed edition). Huge ass talent (as in Max Verstappen talent, without the father trauma) but does silly mistakes, is also silly. Gets bullied by his own team, basically. Might look cute and all but can get pretty serious, like, fr, he’s talented and SMART.

Minghao: Lewis Hamilton (Mercedes era). Fashion icon, all about healthy soul in a healthy body, ICONIC. He’s just got the Lewis vibe idk like they would be friends i wouldn’t even be surprised.

Seungkwan: Daniel Ricciardo. The official sunshine of F1, the marketing face, everyone wants to meet him because he is so funny, iconic, adorable and he is talented. He carries F1’s image, he is still a sensitive person and can get hurt, so don’t, he has SO much to give and gives with pleasure, don’t hurt him (Br*wn if catch u). No one is more Dani coded than Seungkwan (kinda Seokmin too but had to choose).

Vernon: Carlos Sainz Jr. Mf isn’t part of this world, he’s seing things we don’t, chaotic in a calm way. Looks always hot in an unfair way (i might be biased). Aware of how people perceive him as weird, thinks it’s funny or doesn’t care. Unique laugh, why do they transform into seals when they’re laughing their ass out ???

Dino: Mick Schumacher (post H**s shithole era) or Oscar Piastri. He’s is the future of F1, the boy proved himself, teams literally fought over him. Give him a mediocre car he will still pull some good result although he’s a rookie, update the car and he’s a threat to experienced drivers that have been racing for years. Also Mick personality vibe, fr there’s something. Also very sweet then BOOM, he’s fucking hot.

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adhd-merlin · 9 months

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Merlin S1 rewatch: episode 5

here we go! again!!

today we are watching the Lancelot episode. just a few random comments because. I am so very sleepy and I deleted the first draft by accident.

A nice little episode all in all. Nice set up for an incredibly sexy recurring character. Some nice foreshadowing. What's not to like?

• I like how this episode opens. Merlin picking mushrooms, looking so baby. Eyes full of awe and wonder. Looking like... like he's never seen a mushroom in his life, in fact. Anyway, something very cottagecore about this. Fairy vibes.

• Also he's scarfless? For much (most?) of the episode? It looks like early in the series they weren’t so obsessively attached to Merlin’s neckerchief as part of his character design

• I love how Merlin doesn’t even try to use magic against the Griffin. He just falls on his back, shuts his eyes and goes, “Welp, guess I'll die”

• HOW DID MERLIN CARRY LANCELOT BACK TO CAMELOT

• “Ever since I was a child I've dreamed of coming here. It's my life's ambition to join the knights of Camelot.” -> Guy who's spent his whole life dreaming about becoming a knight of Camelot doesn’t know the first thing about the job requirements

• (No but really, the funniest thing about this episode for me is Lancelot’s utter shock at finding out only noblemen can be knights. That's, like. The first thing about the knights of Camelot, it seems like. You’d think he would have done some basic research beforehand. But that's also how I apply to jobs so I won't make fun of him too much)

• Merlin is such a hype man, “LANCELOT THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE YOU!!” This is literally what he says! He’s adorable.

• Merlin's acting like a kid who's found a stray puppy on the side of the road and is trying to convince his dad to keep him. “He’s great, you’ll love him, I promise. He won’t be any trouble I’ll walk him every day”

• MERLIN: “He's saved my life” / ARTHUR: “That's blown it for starters” -> ARTHUR IS FUNNY. I just feel the need to point out that Arthur is funny, actually. Especially when he’s being a cunt.

• MERLIN: “You're not a nobleman by any chance, are you?” / LANCE: “haha, good lord, no” -> someone didn’t read the job description 👀

• The way Gaius pointedly glares at Merlin after telling Lancelot he’s sorry he can’t be a knight… Like, he knows his son might be tempted to do something stupid about it (commit crime)

• I did not remember Lancelot’s tragic Origin Story!

When I was a boy, my village was attacked by raiders from the northern plains. They were slaughtered where they stood, my father, my mother. Everyone. I alone escaped. I vowed that day that never again would I be helpless in the face of tyranny. I made sword craft my life. Every waking hour since that day, I devoted to the art of combat, and when I was ready, I set forth for Camelot.

"Every waking hour since that day, I devoted to the art of combat" -> Yeah that sounds like a sane and healthy way of dealing with the trauma of losing both your parents and your entire village in one go, well done my boy

• Merlin looks SO proud of his little fraud scheme! BE GAY DO CRIME

• Seriously he is such an instigator! He says, “DAMN THE RULES, THE RULES ARE WRONG”! But he can see Lancelot’s obvious reluctance so he’s like, “We're not breaking the rules, we're bending them” HE’S SO SNEAKY I LOVE HIM

• This is such a basic narrative trope (if it even is a trope) but I love first meetings of characters who are going to become famously important to one another. I'm talking, like, Holmes and Dr. Watson. Or yes, Merlin and future King Arthur. There’s just something about it that I find delightful. "They don’t even know!! They have no idea. But I do!" This is about Gwen and Lancelot.

• Such a cute Meet Cute™. I love the way it plays with what we know is going to happen. Even if we don’t exactly know how it's going to happen in the series, Guinevere and Lancelot’s romance is the stuff of legends. I love their obvious and immediate mutual attraction. The slight awkwardness. The foreshadowing! “I'm not a knight yet, my lady” / “And I’m not a lady.” NO YET, BUT YOU WILL BE!! AAAAAH

• I didn’t pay much attention to it the first time I watched this episode but Lancelot speaks in such a formal, lofty way compared to everyone else. He literally sounds like he walked out of a book of chivalric romance. "I faced it myself, Sire. Some days past. I struck it full square. I wondered how it endured"; "Arthur stands in mortal peril", like WHO TALKS LIKE THIS. BE NORMAL. But it never crosses the line into being obnoxious, and I love how his character is defined through his speech as well as by his behaviour. Well done, writers.

• LANCELOT: "Are you two...you know" -> Lancelot wastes no time in checking if Gwen is on the market. GOOD FOR HIM. (I like how Merlin finds the idea of dating Gwen literally laughable. Bit harsh, that).

• “She seems lovely. Guinevere.” / “Oh, yeah. Yeah, she is. And the best seamstress in Camelot, I promise” -> MERLIN THIS MAN DOES NOT CARES ABOUT GWEN'S SKILL AS A SEAMSTRESS OPEN YOUR EYES YOU SILLY CHILD

• (But no, to be fair to him, he did notice)

• Arthur just... just BITCH-SLAPPING Lancelot out of the blue is actually hilarious. He's a comedian and he doesn't even know it.

• Merlin still acts like a bit of a teenager with Gaius in this ep. When Gaius discovers his forgery of the seal of nobility, Merlin tells him, “if you wanna punish me for it, go ahead” and then walks off! I’m sorry, this is a teenager acting out against his dad.

• Merlin does seem to be still testing boundaries with Gaius, but in a way that's an obvious request for reassurance, too – later in the episode he asks him: “Do you even care what happens to me?” (!!) And back in episode 1x02, when Gaius said, "What do I do if you get caught?", Merlin asked: "what would you do?" Insecure teen behaviour. Please Gaius just tell him you love him!! (He does tell him here, thank God).

• The broomstick fight scene. Much has been said about it already. The rituals are, indeed, intricate. Something so homoerotic about Arthur’s attempts to poke Lancelot in the chest with his stick. What I want to know is – did they know? Did they know when they were filming it that it would look like this. Like, was it deliberate

• @sapphickittykatherine it’s not much but there are some hints of Morlance in this ep. During Lancelot’s knighting scene, Morgana looks at him with obvious interest and asks “Who is this man?” And also later at his celebration (I’ll get to it).

The celebration scene! I love it! I’m gonna break it down into parts:

• “You played God, Merlin" -> I like this line. I think Gaius put his finger on an important character trait of Merlin’s here. He always means well, but he can be manipulative and controlling. Not so much here, perhaps, but it does emerge more in later eps.

• Not Arthur looking at Morgana with incestuous intent 💀💀💀

• “Tell me, do you think her...beautiful?” / “Yes, Sire. I do.” -> Another favourite trope of mine – two characters talking to each other but having two entirely different conversations. A bit like that cursed scene in the Disir, and with Arthur just as much oblivious (actually, could someone tell the poor guy what's going on. just once)

• Meanwhile, Morgana’s making sexy eyes at Lancelot while biting into a… cherry? I can’t tell. Some kind of sexually-connoted fruit, that’s for sure. I love how she also looks murderous while doing it. Praying mantis energy.

• Merlin and Gwen’s conversation is so cute. I’ve said it before but it’s giving girlie-and-her-gay-best-friend vibes. Look at them! They are a woman and her gay friend sitting in a bar, exchanging notes about the men around them. Over drinks. The way Merlin encourages Gwen to commit mischief too! “OH YOU ARE NO FUN GWEN. COME ON, JUST PLAY ALONG. WHO WOULD YOU RATHER F—”

• Arthur or Lancelot? I think I know what Merlin’s answer would be. At least at this point in the series. (Hint: it's not Arthur).

• “I think our Sir Lancelot might have eyes for you, Gwen” -> Merlin playing matchmaker already. I love that he’s noticed, and that he’s trying to push these two together because LOVE MUST TRIUMPH. He’s such a romantic.

~ END OF THE CELEBRATION SCENE ~

• Oooh no, Lancelot’s ruse has been discovered, SIR YOU’RE UNDER ARREST

• “You are not worthy of the knighthood bestowed upon you. You never were. And you never will be” -> possibly the worst thing anyone could’ve said to Lancelot, SIR PLEASE STOP YOU’RE BREAKING HIM. CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY.

• All I can think about when I see gifs of Merlin talking to imprisoned Lancelot is, “it’s okay hun”

• It’s interesting to see S1 Uther so unwilling to accept that the creature they’re trying to defeat might be magic when later in the series he will relish the chance of accusing anything and anyone of being magic. ...Growth?

(The bisexuality of this scene. Off the charts.)

• It seems to me like they were setting up Lancelot to be more of an important character that he ended up being? I mean, he was important, just by virtue of being Lancelot, but he was in a grand total of 6 episodes. But, I love that we can see Arthur’s obvious attachment (for lack of a better word) to him already. A bit like with Gwen and Lancelot, it hints at what’s to come – he is destined to become Arthur’s favourite knight (I know people like to say that it's Leon, but I think it was Lance. And after Lancelot's death it was Mordred, eventually. If you must know.) I love it, foreshadowing. You can feel the future hanging heavy in the air.

• I didn’t remember that Gwen and Lancelot met again and she begged him not to go and I think they should have kissed here

• It’s so funny that while Merlin’s trying to master the spell to defeat the Griffin, Gaius goes, “Don't worry Merlin, we have plenty of time” GAIUS NO YOU LITERALLY HAVE LESS THAN 2 HOURS

• Actually this is a thing Gaius does a lot, telling Merlin he can make it when the chances of success are pretty slim, which on one hand is very sweet, like I get it he's being a supportive dad, but on the other hand it's also... setting Merlin up to be HUGELY DISAPPOINTED if he fails? I don't know, just something I've noticed in other eps.

• The scene of Lancelot killing the Griffin is actually pretty cool? I like the glowing blue spear (how did Merlin think Lancelot wasn’t going to notice) and THE SOUNDTRACK!!

• Merlin's PURE JOY after Lancelot's killed the Griffin is SO adorable, you just feel so happy for him. YES BABY YOU DID IT!!

• I love the parallel “You did it!” scenes with Arthur & Lancelot, Gaius & Merlin, and Arthur & Uther. Very nice, big fan of symmetry

• Gaius’s pride when Merlin comes back victorious is so heartwarming. I’ve said it before but I'll repeat it, Merlin and Gaius’s relationship is possibly my favourite in the show. I think Gaius doesn’t get enough credit for being Merlin’s main source of love and hugs during his Camelot years.

• “The Code bends for no man” / “Then THE CODE IS WRONG!” (!!) -> SAY IT LOUDER MY MAN!! S1 Arthur is so vocal with his father about what he believes is right and wrong, we love to see it

• Lancelot saying he must prove himself worthy of being a knight – of course, he might have been holding the spear that killed the Griffin but he wasn’t the one who actually defeated it, and this will not do. He must now abandon his life-long dream of being a knight and go fight strangers in a cage for money. It’s the only logical next step.

• LANCE I LOVE YOU BUT WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

THE END!!

next episode is... one no one really cares about, but I really really liked it the first time I watched it so. hopefully it will live up to what I remember :3

#there. i've re-written it pretty much.#*me; tears in my eyes* “I do this for fun”#“actually i can just go” < now lives in my head as a lancelot phrase and it cracks me up #you'll find i go on about merlin and gaius quite a bit in these #that's because i love them #they mean a lot to me *taps own bio*#merlin's body count: still 1 #< disappointing actually. like he killed a witch in ep 1 and then 4 eps of nothing. DO BETTER #rewatch1.jls

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saisons-en-enfer · 6 months

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your traumas and experiences are valid. while living and existing might feel like a unbearably sisyphean task, it is through finding healthy outlets/coping mechanisms that you can pacify such intense memories and ruminations. on behalf of the mutuals know that you are not alone, we care and about you, and love you🍵🫶🏼 wishing you the best on your journey king <3

I appreciate you taking the time and sending this and I just wanted to answer this in a way that is honest to maybe help you understand where I stand, so I do not mean to demean or devalue anything you're saying

Firstly I don't really have healthy outlets/coping mechanism... I've learned the hard way not to ask friends, I don't matter that much for them to keep dealing with my constant distress. I just talk to a therapist but ye, once a week isn't enough and just today when I was speaking to him I made a confession that in the last 6 years, I had numerous times (way too many for my mind to comfortably recall) where I was in such an emotionally suffocating situation that I seriously had thoughts of ending my life. Recently, I seek out help more when it happens but I just feel like people are so desensitized to it and think that I'm acting up for attention, when I can't ever convey to anyone how difficult it is to live life for others, to live life on a thread, on a constant tightrope, because I'm struggling to just stick around for myself.

My primary struggle is that I desperately struggle to find purpose, value, and meaning in my existence, and these are somethings I need because I can't just... be. Because I've mentally touched the void; I've reached such a low point that I don't see or feel beauty and intrigue in the world anymore, I don't feel as vivaciously as before, all I feel is deep sorrow, because I know the world lost it's glow to me and It's not just because the world is going to hell right now, it's because I feel things deeply and having the realization that I have to continue living even when I don't desire it and have to watch everyone I love and care for grow old and fade away and be able to not do anything about it. It's torture...

The problem with purpose is I have to genuinely believe in it or else it'll just crumble into a breakdown and I haven't been successful at finding purpose, at feeling genuine value in my existence.

I made the grave mistake recently of attaching meaning to someone I was in love with in a way that was all too deluded and idyllic and now that that's rightfully fallen through I'm just hurting again. You could say maybe what would give me purpose and value would be love, but I don't know anymore, everyone I've ever loved in my life didn't even feel marginally similar to how I did... besides I'm not someone that catches eyes anyway; I'm not someone people look at twice.

And now I struggle just to exist and continue doing so only because I never want to hurt anyone but I cant begin to explain how difficult it is and how gut-wrenching the sorrow and dread of existence is. I keep having really fucking nightmarish days where I just keep thinking that I can't do it anymore...

I keep continuing but I don't have any hope and I don't believe there is anything good waiting for me in the future... when can I just acknowledge this as a terminal illness and just be allowed to let go... why do people perceive it as preventable when my mind has been so badly damaged it will never be the same again; I find it so impossible to feel or believe anything good or modest about myself:

All I know is misery.

P.S. after years of different therapists, medications, therapeutic approaches, change of life conditions etc. no one has been able to help me ward off the unshakeable thought and "truth": that I will take my life... it may not be today or anytime soon, but I just know it will happen with how intense and unbearable some days get, and those days happen all too frequently and the more they happen the more I just lose my mind and just want to take the leap.

#asks #i keep having too many really bad days #but my good days are better than before so that's progress to therapists etc #but still the day will come i just know it #i hope its not soon #i hope its at a time when everyone's forgotten about me

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 3 years

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Oh man I was scrambling trough tumblr tag and I saw this LB quote about Aleksander: "The Darkling is beautiful, I wanted to create a leader who was charismatic, appealing, a dictator you could imagine yourself following, an antagonist you couldn't just dismiss. [...] The Darkling is beautiful and broken and had a rough childhood, but he's also a brutal, manipulative monster with no regard for human life. He's dangerous because he's seductive, because he evokes sympathy.

…I just don’t even know when to start with this? Can she come off as anymore ignorant and offensive by trying to sound so woke. I mean “beautiful and broken”?! Are you kidding me?!

(Book Spoilers. Trigger Warning: Trauma and Mental Health)

Hmm well I'm not sure you could really sum it up as a 'rough childhood' more like a rough life filled with alot of trauma that has left him isolated and struggling to form human connections. Also I'm not sure I like the term monster for someone who is made the way they are through trauma and also the line about him having no regard for human life is just false he has lines he wont cross which is why he didn't harm the grisha children in book 3 and he was never going to because he values their lives. To be honest though I had some issues with the way LB dealt with trauma and mental health in the books. Not just with Aleks either but with Sergei too, actually I found the way she treated Sergei and his mental health in the last book rather appalling. Sergei is established as being severely traumatised by losing Marie to the point where he struggles to function properly. I think out of all the characters in the trilogy he's depicted as having the worst trauma, all the other characters have bad dreams and what not but Sergei really does find it debilitating and he struggles with day to day tasks like eating, sleeping and even just walking/travelling takes its toll on him. But Alina's attitude towards Sergei at times was troubling. To be clear though I'm not blaming the character for this as it was just the way she was written but she seems to consider Sergei weak and his mental health a hindrance. Here are some extracts from R&R the first is right after Sergei accidently revealed Genya's real name to Nikolai:

I shot to my feet. “What happened?”

“Sergei let her real name slip. He seems to be taking to heights about as well as he took to caves.” I released a growl of frustration. Genya had played a key role in the Darkling’s plot to depose the King. I’d tried to be patient with Sergei, but now he’d put her in danger and jeopardised our position with Nikolai.

Sergei was nowhere to be found. Probably a good thing, since I didn’t have time to give him the pummelling he deserved.

And like I understand that this must have been a frustrating situation but Alina knows that Sergei is struggling with his trauma and that he didn't mean to cause anyone any harm. I can understand her frustration but I really don't like the line about the 'pummelling he deserves'. I just don't like the suggestion that a person who is clearly suffering from a mental health issue deserves to be punished for making a mistake because of his trauma. Here's another instance where Alina is annoyed at Sergei:

Sergei had slowed us during our fight with the militia. He was unstable. I could apologise, offer useless words, but I didn’t know how to help him, and it didn’t change the fact that we were at war. Sergei had become a liability.

Again I get the frustration but again I have issues with the suggestion that because they are at war Sergei should just pull it together. Or even this image that's being painted that people who have mental health issues are just a burden on those around them. People in real life who suffer with similar mental health issues like depression and anxiety often worry about feeling like a burden to their loved ones so this could be really triggering for them. Then there is this from Baghra:

“We came to find you. What’s the matter with that boy?”

“He’s had a hard time of it,” I said, leading them away from the tank room.

“Who hasn’t?”

“He saw the girl he loved gutted by your son and held her while she died.”

“Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it."

This one really troubled me because its like LB is saying that you can control your own trauma or decide how the trauma is going to effect you. It's again this suggestion that Sergei is weak because he struggled with his trauma more than others did. But the part that actually kind of disgusted me when I read it and I actually had to stop reading the book for a bit because of how much it upset me is how the characters talk about Sergei after his death. Alina had sent Sergei away because she felt he had become a liability and he then went back to the darkling and told them all the information he had on Alina and co. This move was obviously one born of his trauma and was made out of desperation. On several occasions Sergei has said he is struggling with feeling safe and no matter how hard he tries he never feels safe. Alina even tells us that Sergei had gone back to the darkling looking for reassurance and safety which really makes sense, this man grew up at the LP the one place where grisha could be safe, he grew up under the protection of the darkling. Then he chose to stand with Alina and went through the trauma and grief of losing the woman he loved horrifically in an attack against the LP which was his original safe place. He then never feels safe again so it would make sense for him to go back to what previously had made him feel safe, the LP and the Darkling. But this is what the other characters say about Sergei after he is killed by the darkling:

I sat beside him, unsure what to say. I remembered sitting like this with Sergei in the tank room, searching for words of comfort and failing. Had he been scheming then, manipulating me? His fear had certainly seemed real.

Abruptly, Zoya said, “I should have known Sergei couldn’t be trusted. He was always a weakling.”

Though that seemed unfair, I let it pass.

“Oncat never liked him,” Harshaw added.

Genya fed a branch to the fire. “Do you think he was planning it all along?”

“I’ve been wondering that,” I admitted. “I thought he’d be better once we got out of the White Cathedral and the tunnels, but he almost seemed worse, more anxious.”

Abruptly, Adrik snarled, “I’m glad Sergei’s dead. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to wring his neck myself.”

Steel is earned. Adrik had that steel, and so did Nadia. She’d proven it again in our flight from the Elbjen. A part of me had wondered what Tamar saw in her. But Nadia had been in some of the worst fighting at the Little Palace. She’d lost her best friend and the life she’d always known. Yet she hadn’t fallen apart like Sergei or chosen life underground like Maxim. Through all of it, she’d stayed steady.

And yes again I understand why they feel betrayed but they knew that Sergei was struggling and instead of understanding that Alina is accusing him of manipulating her and Zoya is saying he couldn't be trusted and that he was a weakling. To be honest it kind of reminds me of the way people talk about the darkling. Instead of recognising their trauma and trying to understand they jump straight to well they were a bad, untrustworthy person who was manipulating me.

Then there is the last part where Alina is thinking about how Adrik and Nadia are strong because although they faced trauma they were able to keep going and keep fighting but not Sergei, Sergei was crippled by his grief and his trauma and this means he was weak. Maybe its because I have struggled with crippling mental health issues myself where I couldn't even get out of bed let alone do anything else but I just found this implication that Sergei was weak really offensive to those who do struggle that way. People deal with trauma in different ways and whilst some people can fight through it and will just have a keep calm and carry on attitude others can't, others just fall apart, but that doesn't make them weak. I also don't think this 'just carry on and push through it' attitude towards mental health issues is necessarily a healthy message. If you need help then you should ask for it and be able to have access to it. LB could have used this as an opportunity to show a character who is severely traumatised getting support and help to work through his trauma and heal. But I feel like nobody really helped Sergei and any comfort or support he got seemed to be grudgingly given and there was more of an attitude of I'll try to help you because your issues are a hindrance to me than because any of the characters actually cared about him and wanted to help him.

Sergei and the Darkling were both characters that were 'beautiful and broken' but neither one of them was given the support or help they needed. Instead they were painted as either weak or as a monster. So what kind of message does this send to readers who also struggle with trauma and mental health conditions?

#the darkling #aleksander morozova #anti leigh bardugo #answered #tw mental illness #tw trauma

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transguyedgeworth · 3 years

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HALLO i hope all has gone well with bugs and such ur probably dealing w that as i type this but i have more headcanons >:) so! i hope these are helping deal with evil evil bugs

-maya still has a bunch of mias clothes she gave some to lana and some to pearl but sometimes she’ll wear a sweater or something that was mias

-phoenix doesn’t really like hospitals

- reminds him too much of bttt and falling

- yes i think capcom should have realized that falling off a damn bridge should give a man a good bit of upset and trauma capcom i am outside your door

- miles bottles up his feelings A LOT because there wasn’t any place for feelings in the von karma house. he’s trying to get better though

- he mostly bottles up his anger because he sees mvk in himself whenever he gets angry because mvk would be angry a lot

- fran also does the same but with any happiness or personal pride she may feel

- they both try to work on it, maya and phoenix are good influences on them

- miles has visited mvk in jail once. he won’t again

- franziska will never visit him

-miles likes to knit

-maya is sooo superstitious not like ohh if i break a mirror i’m dead but like Bigfoot Is Real and I Saw Him At Gourd Lake

-edgeworth and phoenix go often to a little coffee shop and always get a pot of tea

-sometimes phoenix brings flowers

-LMAO edgeworth asks what they are sometimes and unless they’re the two types of flowers phoenix knows he has No Idea

- the bathroom at wright and co is haunted

- maya attracts ghosts like nobodies business

-fran is afraid of spiders and maya is Violent towards spiders

- fran will shriek from the other room and maya will run in flip flop in hand, take one look around the room, and chuck her shoe at the spider. she never misses.

-maya LOVES that bakery they investigated in that one case i cannot remember the name of the one with the like. french dude? and tigre?

-pearls and maya make a scrap book for wright and co

-phoenix still draws (he was an art student and i am projecting onto him) sometimes but always drags edgeworth to art museums and talks about the art

-building on game night with the wrights they also have video game nights. phoenix is so bad and maya is still competitive but fran and edgeworth when paired against each other are Scary

-fran also sometimes lets her little brother win and gets dramatic about losing but it makes her happy to see edgeworth excited

- edgeworth has a journal bc someone once suggested it and he writes in it so often

- he also carries a certain picture of him larry and phoenix when they were kids and his signal samurai keychain in his inner pocket and fiddles with the keychain

-maya loves decorating the office for holidays

-the only thing phoenix can make well is soup and hot chocolate and he makes them at least twice a month when it’s cold

-edgeworth won’t admit it but he’d rather eat phoenixs almost burnt soup and melted bar hot chocolate than the stuff from the fanciest restaurants

- when edgeworth and phoenix propose they both propose at the same time and it’s so awkward but so so funny they both say yes of course but phoenix will tell that story to anyone who listens

ok that’s all for now! idk if i have any more (that’s a lie i have so many thoughts about them but idk how many of them are coherent) anyway i wish you best of luck with all the hubbub!!!

everything is going well thank you for the concern!! housing sent someone out to fix up the hole in my wall that they were coming through and the pest control guy just left and is now treating the outside of the building. these are absolutely helping me deal with the stress so thank you for sending them in!

starting strong with the clothing thing, i love love LOVE your interpretation of the fey clan so much. it is canon in my brain now. capcom wishes they could think of this shit. also giving some to lana? precious, sentimental, amazing. lanamia nation rise up. thank you for my life. the detail about maya believing in cryptids and the bathroom being haunted? accurate and hilarious. and yes big agree that she still likes tres bien (i’m pretty sure that’s the name), she worked there briefly so of course she’d have a soft spot for it. i literally adore the idea of maya being hella Into Stuff, like cryptids and holiday decorations and winning at game night, and the scrapbook idea slayed me on sight. i am in tears.

LITERALLY WHY DOES CAPCOM IGNORE THAT PHOENIX HAS BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT??? like what the hell. man almost died and then like two days later he’s like “lol i’m Completely Fine :)”. unrealistic. capcom let him be Affected by experiences please.

kinda building off of that, AGAIN WITH THE WRIGHTWORTH STUFF MAKING ME TENDER??? i love them goin on little dates and being domestic... art museums and coffee shops and phoenix being Dumb about flower breeds and miles loving his cooking.... i am Soft i am Yearning. AND THE PROPOSAL THING!!!!! I HAD THIS SAME FUCKING IDEA GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!!! IT’S JUST SUCH A THEM THING TO DO...

and oooh edgeworth. good for you king, journaling and knitting and stimming and learning healthy ways to cope with your emotions. also the anger thing i totally get. like not to Overshare or anything but i used to have a lot of issues expressing my anger because when i did it reminded me too much of my dad so i feel that.

the vk sibling stuff also spot-on tbh. good that they didn’t visit manfred except for miles’ one time. fuck that guy. let him rot. they are Learning and Growing together.... fran letting miles win at a game also perfect. she cares about her little brother even if she has trouble showing it sometimes. also love that her one weakness is spiders. that seems very fitting to me and i LOVE the image of maya just. chuckin a shoe across the room to defend her Wife from the eight-legged terror.

also you are free to send me incoherent thoughts if you want that’s the form most of my thoughts take anyway fjnfjsf i’d still love to hear them if you’re willing to share!

#i promise i will share some of my own headcanons at some point #i just. have like a whole lit project/paper to finish and i have finals next week so OOF #in the meantime thank you headcanon anon for my life #maya fey #mia fey #pearl fey #lana skye #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #manfred von karma #franziska von karma #larry butz #lanamia #von karma siblings #wrightworth #franmaya #t&t spoilers #miles answers #headcanon anon

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sexy-zeitreise-detektiv · 3 years

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okay but where tf is my hg tannhaus content at? he basically had to raise some baby just after he lost his kid and grandkid, he's a clock maker who doesn't (or does depending how you see his 'splitting the world' thing) time travel and his 'life's work' is borne from a bootstrap paradox. all i'm saying is. hg tannhaus king.

Sorry I kind of forgot about this asks and I'm not sure if this response will satisfy your need for more Tannhaus content but here we go.

It's true, his clockworker aesthetic is extremely underutilized in fanart and I rarely see any fanfiction of him, even though there's tons of potential interactions with Charlotte and internal struggles that the show chose not to portray. Like how does Tannhaus deal with the absolute whiplash of losing his entire family and then becoming a father again in the same night? What's the relationship between him and Charlotte like? Besides all the obvious angst? Do they make pancakes together? Does Tannhaus actually dare to love her or is he scared that he will lose her "again"? We will never know!! Although sealandreich on ao3 has a very good Charlotte- and Tannhaus-focused series, so I would recommend you check that out.

Usually I would rant more about how this character deserved way more screentime, however! in this case I understand the artistic choice behind retaining Tannhaus for as much as they did. It makes sense if you see the series through a Jewish/Christian lens with Adam and Eva representing their biblical counterparts and Tannhaus as the creator of their universes representing god. Though usually in religious texts, god is presented either as a punishing force or as a loving fatherly figure. Dark subverts this expectation by making it's god figure mostly ignorant towards his creation. Very angsty and *Hannibal voice* nietzschean, if I dare say so. On a side note, it's also very obvious that Claudia is Dark's take on Satan, even though (or rather especially because) she is not a purely malicious force. She's the one pulling all of the strings, she's the one getting Jonas and Martha to commit the original original sin, and generally being a morally grey queen. And like... she gets called "Der Weiße Teufel" all the time, I think we get it lmao.

Another religious approach, that also fits nicely into Dark's love of the number three, would be a Hindu reading, where Tannhaus, Adam and Eva each represents a part of the Trimurti. Tannhaus would therefore be Brahma the creator, Eva would be Vishnu the conserver and Adam Shiva the destroyer. I am not at all an expert on Hinduism but as far as I understand all of them are actually one entity (->everything is connected). Which also ties in with a third possible reading:

The whole multiverse is Tannhaus's trauma response to losing his family. I know, this is basically canon but I propose that if we theoretically could see every character, who was created in the time travel bullshit thing, as a facet of Tannhaus's personality/emotional response to his trauma. Adam represents pure anger and bad coping mechanisms that only hurt him and others more, whereas Eva represents his urge to remain in this sort of comforting stage of depression. I guess that would make Claudia a therapist of some sorts? Or maybe his only healthy impulse in all of this mess? Idk at this point I'm just rambling.

This got very dry and very serious very quickly so fun Tannhaus headcanons: He loves bird watching (while they are alive), he once met Nena but didn't recognize her (one of many things to fuel Charlotte's teen angst) and.... he's trans. (There's nothing to indicate that any of this is true, I just want it to be.)

To conclude this essay, yes, Tannhaus is actually technically speaking the main character and yes, I will probably make fanart of him soon and lastly yes, Dark good. Have a wonderful day, anon.

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rufousnmacska · 3 years

Text

I have a lot of thoughts about A Court of Silver Flames, and since it helps me to write them out, I thought I’d share.

It’s behind a cut because SPOILERS and it’s long lol!

Nesta

I had expected we’d learn that Nesta had suffered some type of abuse or trauma as a child that Elain and Feyre were not aware of. I wasn’t expecting it to be so subtle, for lack of a better word. Abuse comes in a lot of forms, which I think SJM is good at showing. Emotionally manipulating your daughter for power, ignoring her in favor of your business and money … those may not be as visible as physical or verbal abuse, but they still cause damage.

I’m not sure how to convey it properly, but I thought it was important to show how the parts of her that were born from the abuse and trauma, while dark or not always healthy, were still useful. The wolf she became to survive her childhood helped her survive the cauldron. Not being able to “turn it off” is what hurt her. My favorite quote:

“So Nesta had become a wolf. Armed herself with invisible teeth and claws, and learned to strike faster, deeper, more lethally. Had relished it. But when the time came to put away the wolf, she’d found it had devoured her too.”

And as Amren said later “That’s the key isn’t it? To know the darkness will always remain, but how you choose to face it, handle it … that’s the important part. To not let it consume. To focus on the good, the things that fill you with wonder.”

I’ve seen a lot of fans upset that Nesta gave up her cauldron powers at the end to save Feyre and the baby. Although I’d initially hoped (post acofas) that her training would be more about her magic than physical training, I’m okay with how it worked out. She never wanted that power and she never liked having it. She stole it as revenge and she fought constantly to suppress it. Was she a badass when she wielded it? Absolutely! But ultimately, her giving it back was the final big step in her healing arc and acceptance of herself. (That doesn’t mean she’s “cured.” This will be an ongoing battle for her. I only mean this in terms of the story in this book.)

She chose to sacrifice it, unlike so many other times in her life when things were forced on her or happened to her. Unlike the future her mother had set out for her. Unlike when they were poor and her father did nothing to get them through. Unlike when she was thrown into the cauldron and then a war. Even unlike when she was forced to move into the House of the Wind, and her apartment – the one place she had chosen for herself no matter how run down it was – got demolished. I’m not going to go into the intervention too much. It was poorly done, but I doubt any of them had experience in doing one. A conversation acknowledging that might have been nice. And I’m not ignoring Feyre and Rhys’s hypocrisy of Nesta being confined to a place where she effectively had no way to leave on her own. The stairway at that point was not an option. But the bottom line is that Nesta needed help and was not in a position to willingly accept it or seek it out.

Regardless, she is still a lethal badass. She still has some of her powers, along with her fighting skills, which will only get better and better. So, the idea that she gave up what made her strong, or ended up as some meek housewife … I don’t agree with that at all. She has the intelligence and potential to become a force in leading armies. Not to mention her skill as an emissary. (Which Cassian finally learned how to imitate lol!)

On a personal note, I’m intimately familiar with the depression and self-loathing Nesta experienced in this book. Although I don’t necessarily react to those feelings in the same ways or exhibit the same coping mechanisms (I tend to turn my anger inward rather than outward), I could still relate to her journey. Her stubbornness and feelings that she didn’t deserve love or anything good or kind were presented accurately in my opinion. Parts were hard for me to read because of that. But I loved that she was able to make her way through the pain and finally begin to accept and love herself. And I especially loved that she was helped not only by Cassian, but by her friendship with Emerie and Gwyn.

And the House! Holy shit. The magic houses in this world piss me off to no end because they are not real and I will forever need to clean my own place LOL! Her relationship with the house was beautiful and funny and I love that she Made it! She needed a friend, someone to understand her, not only what she wanted but what she needed, and boom! The House of the Wind came alive for her.

So, overall, I loved Nesta’s journey. I’m happy she ended in a place that brought her inner peace and the ability to better deal with her problems in the future.

Nessian

I loved them before this book and I love them more after. The smut was a little shocking at first lol but I’ve read the Black Dagger Brotherhood books, which SJM loves, so really, it wasn’t that out there. I loved that Cassian showed that even with the mating bond, he could give Nesta space and freedom. In that respect, their relationship felt more mature to me than feysand. Their banter and the sexual tension was great! (The book is about a book.) They had some not great moments, as they have in past books. But those were realistic. People argue and say things they regret. But they also talk through it and apologize. This is a good time to point out – NOT ALL APOLOGIES INVOLVE EXPLICITLY SAYING I AM SORRY. There are other ways to show remorse and ask for forgiveness.

I don’t know if I had one favorite moment as there were quite a few. I think the most emotional for me was when they reached the lake. I know firsthand how difficult it is to speak aloud the things Nesta said. And I am also lucky to have people in my life who responded the way Cassian did – with love and support and kindness.

The nightmare scene, the prison scene, the dancing, the mating bond, Cassian turning the knife on himself … I loved them all!

The Valkyries

I fucking loved them! Gwyn and Emerie were absolute delights and I’m so glad Nesta made good friends of her own who she could be herself with. Their bonding over books, training, and their pasts was wonderful. Nesta urging them on and defending them from the Illyrians in the Blood Rite was a beautiful step in her healing. Before this book, I was hesitant about the foreshadowing that Nesta would take part in the Rite, fearing it would become some sort of white savior trope to help the female Illyrians. But I enjoyed the way it ended up happening. I know it seemed unrealistic for Nesta, Emerie, and Gwyn to get that far against warriors who’d been training for years. But part of the point was the males were arrogant as fuck. They underestimated the trio, to their detriment. Nesta and her friends used cunning as much as strength and skill to get where they did.

And I loved the image of Emerie and Gwyn just sitting back, sipping tea and admiring the river after going through a week of pure hell and winning the Blood Rite.

I hope we get more of them all together in the next books.

ETA - I can’t believe I forgot! Gwyn writing their story because their stories deserve to be told 🥲💕

The sisters

Overall I liked how things turned out with them.

Elain is still a bit of a non-entity to me. I don’t feel like I really know anything about her. Which, to some extent, is the point I think. There will be a lot to reveal in her story and she has a shitload of healing to do. She may have the appearance of adjusting and fitting in, but I don’t buy it. Nesta telling Elain to fuck off was awesome and long overdue. But Elain was also right in pointing out how others treat her and the trauma she’s experienced. I think there is still more to be dealt with between these two in the next book.

Feyre and Nesta were the more interesting relationship to me. The eldest and the youngest tend to butt heads in my opinion (and personal experience). So I was glad they came to an understanding. And very glad that Feyre did not get angry with Nesta for telling her about the baby. Rhys deserved the wrath for that.

One thing I would have liked to see discussed was the role of their parents in their lives. Nesta holds a lot of guilt for how she reacted to their poverty and I think that is understandable. I think Elain does too. However, I do not think any of the sisters should harbor blame for what happened. Their father was responsible for them. Period. Even if he was physically unable to work or help around the house, he still could have been a father. Yes, Feyre stepped up and fed them. Nesta and Elain didn’t help. It was his role to make them. Not in an abusive way. But step up and tell Nesta and Elain to do something, whether it’s chop wood or gather food from the wild. I don’t know. In my opinion, it is wrong to place blame on young girls who had a parent that did nothing. His actions in acowar were noble, but they don’t erase his failures. That all of this was glossed over disappointed me. I think this was something Nesta needed to be told explicitly by both her sisters. She had things to apologize for and feel guilt for, but she was not the one who should have protected Feyre. All three of them should have been protected by their father.

The Inner Circle

It’s kind of funny to me how blind they all are about each other. I don’t even know what else to say about their dysfunction.

Amren’s sudden desire for Rhys to become High King was weird, and though I should know better, I still really hope the series doesn’t end that way. The IC tends to have good intentions about things, but I don’t think they know how to handle a problem without some kind of force. And controlling all the other courts is not something that would happen easily, especially with perceived allies.

Amren and Mor thinking Nesta belonged or should be sent to the Court of Nightmares was a spectacularly shitty take. The lack of awareness and acknowledgement that Nesta was suffering from multiple traumas was just … unbelievable.

But considering how much this group does not see about each other, I guess it’s not a surprise. I don’t know how much is willful ignorance or just really, really poor people skills. I understand how this all makes for good angst and drama, I really do. But I’m just at the point where it’s grating. They need to sit the fuck down and talk to each other. It’s been five hundred years for fucks sake. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Rhys

Okay. I liked Rhys in acotar and acomaf. But the sparkly exterior wore off big time for me in acowar and acofas. I honestly could have done without him in this book. But I wasn’t foolish enough to expect him to not be in it. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that SJM has her favorites and Rhys is at the top of the list.

Having said that, he annoyed the shit out of me in this book. Someone really needs to explain to him that a choice between two awful things, one of which might be deadly, is not really a choice. I don’t have the energy for it, but better writers than me could write a thesis on the illusion of choice in these books. Which is, in my opinion, pretty clearly tied to the brand of feminism presented.

Not only is the choice given to Nesta at the beginning not a choice, Rhys doesn’t seem to consider Elain at all in his argument with Az. All other issues with that bonus chapter aside, he saw them. He saw the mutual attraction and consent. What happened to not forcing females to accept the mating bond? What happened to respecting her choice and autonomy? I considered the possibility that maybe since he knows Az, there’s a reason he thinks they wouldn’t work. But then, that pretty much flies out the window by him asking Az about Mor. Sure, Az is still hung up on Mor, but she is pretty fucking clear about her opinion.

The whole thing about not telling Feyre about the risky childbirth was awful. And not that I would expect it to happen, but not even mentioning abortion as an option was frustrating. That plot line was not good in any way. There were plenty of other things that could have gone wrong with the birth to push Nesta to act at the end. To be honest, the feysand dynamic is not great. While I appreciated her standing up to him about Nesta and other things, he very deliberately uses sex as a distraction to get out of arguments. Yet another way he never really seems to suffer consequences of bad behavior.

I will say I was really glad he got the opportunity to experience the full trauma of what Nesta went through. And my petty ass loved him kneeling before her at the end!

Miscellaneous

Where was Illyria?? My one serious expectation for this book was that we’d learn more about Illyria and deal with the revolution that was hyped up in acofas. To be written off in one paragraph was disappointing. It makes me think that if we are to ever get more details about the Illyrians, it might be in Az’s story. It was mentioned a few times that he hates them (with good reason) and would wipe them off the map if it was up to him. So I’m guessing his arc will require him coming to terms with that.

Elriel-Elucien-Gwynriel

I’ve never been super invested in this story line but I admit I’ve leaned more towards Elriel in the past. Partly because I like some of the complementary symbolism associated with them, but mostly because I’d really like to see a story about rejection of the mating bond. Even with the extra chapters, I feel like we still don’t know much of anything about who Elain truly is. And the same can be said of Az. So, those chapters didn’t sway me that much. With the exception of Az interacting with Gwyn. I agree with a lot of others saying Az has a lot of work to do on himself before he can be with anyone. I think Elain and Gwyn also have a lot of healing to do. SJM can take this in so many directions that I just don’t know what to think.

I will say that originally I was expecting the next book to involve a love square of Elain, Az, Lucien, and Vassa, because I did see a connection between the last two. But now … Was Lucien annoyed by Jurian and Vassa because he’s jealous? Just annoyed? I don’t know. I still think Vassa will be in the next books if only because of Koschei. But I’m not so sure about her involvement with Lucien. I think we’ve got enough people in this love polygon lol! Jesus, what a mess. But maximum angst 😂

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syubub · 4 years

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JIMIN SOULMATE READING

~Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes and should not be taken as fact~

Chim chim, my Libra son. Your time has come.

(Yes I am aware of the shit picture)

So let's start off with Jimins energy color! Its an amber orange with gold ish sparkles? Kinda like if you dipped a cheeto in gold dust?

This was the closest I could find to how it looked. Its really pretty!

Moving on. I get up to his platform and offer energy and blah blah but hes behind a little glass door thing. He doesn't open it so I'm like? Do I just leave? But then I kinda start to float through the glass? This shit makes me sound crazy and I am well aware thank you. Anyway, he touches my forehead and yeets me backwards off the platform.

Cool cool cool. It wasn't mean or anything btw, he was just kinda like oki, get to it.

The only "message" I got was just straight up, "Nevermind" thats his tattoo and idk what that has to do with anything at all lol.

Now for this person's card I got 10 of cups. This is a very well rounded, optimistic person who has worked hard to achieve the life they've always wanted. They are very fulfilled in life!

As for cards about this person's personality/ life I pulled 9 of swords, king of wands, high priestess and temperance. This person is always in search of balance in life and they are a natural born leader. They have a lot of hidden talents. This person has also been through a lot of past traumas/insecurities that are still manifesting in their life today. This person is trying to get better and is most likely in therapy (I'll get to this later too) this person is motivated and driven (I see them being a perfectionist) has a knowledgeable and strong persona.

As for possible zodiac signs I got air or earth and I pulled the empress so that to me says Taurus or Libra (or maybe those two together)

Onto the relationship. We have the sun, the lovers, seven of wands rev., the heirophant rev., death rev and ace if swords.

So this relationship is very warm. I mean no doubt they work well together and have a very seamless fit. They fit into eachothers lives like pieces of a puzzle for sure. I bet they are always very touchy around eachother. I get the feeling that his soulmate is equally as touchy and physical as he is. Probably a lot of cudles tbh. Theres a lot of love between the two.

Now, they might have an issue with being in the spotlight. Its kinda like they have a hard time dealing with being under scrutiny/ pressure. They both have things that they need to work on and they are both heavy perfectionists and having people nit pick everything that they do together really messes with them. Theres likely to be a period of "drama" and breakdowns in the relationship. Its no fault of their own though. I don't want to get too into it but its like..( possible trigger warning I guess) they both have not great relationships with food/ their bodies or they push themselves too hard as a form of self harm? And they deal with pressure in unhealthy ways sometimes. They are both getting better and doing better and are healthy but there is this caution almost that they still hold on to old, harmful coping mechanisms and IF things their relationship were to be public and people were watching everything they do 24/7 and criticizing their every move then theres a chance that they might fall back into bad habits? Or even say it was just his soulmate that kinda spirals then that might trigger him or vice versa? They have similar ish issues and all I can say is that its hard to recognize something toxic in someone else when you're plagued with the same issue. They also might not be good at communicating how they want to be loved? Like I get the sense that they have a hard time being like, "hey, it really upsets me when you do this and this is why. I know you mean well but it does xyz" ya, know? I think its hard because they don't want the other person to feel bad or like they don't appreciate the love that they receive.

HAPPIER STUFF NOW

We have warrior woman and answer the call. These cuties help eachother find their purpose. They are eachothers rock and they are both so supportive of eachother!

Moving on to messages that his soulmate has for Chim. We have open your heart, its dark and you can't see a thing (get your head out of your ass. Pronto) and get the fuck outside. Move your ass (your body is pissed at you) I think this can be interpreted as his soulmate being like, "hey. Its okay. The world is scary right now but you shouldn't lose faith in humanity. You're surrounded by people that love you and they are good people. Go take a walk and take care of yourself" some level 100 wholesome shit.

Now let's go to character cards. We have. Child: nature, mother and monk/nun rev. This person loves animals! Wouldn't be surprised if they volunteer at animal shelters and do a thawing that helps rescue animals. This person is also mom friend for sure. Always taking care of others and is everyones go to shoulder to cry on. This person also is a bit unintentionally judgy? Its not mean or anything but they have a savior complex almost? Its like they don't know what to do if they aren't needed. They also may unintentionally let some of their personal high standards seep onto other people.

Little cards are funny, feminine, dark hair, fashionable, loud and introvert.

We also have the cards from his soulmate to him, open, thinking of you, pure, negative and habit. (The last 2 were stuck together so I'm gonna say it means something about a negative habit that he has)

Now we on to the last card! We have beyond the mind, the heart beats. This card talks about listening to your heart and not ignoring its wishes. It talks about doing what you feel is right. Following that call and trusting yourself!

Last last card. I pulled one card just to get a sense of what might have contributed to his soulmates past trauma and I go the hermit. That gives me the sense that they have abandonment issues and it might be a big part of their perfectionism. So there's that.

Jiminie has a very sweet and kind soulmate and they work very well together. They help eachother to overcome and to love. The energy is so lovely even if part of the reading was serious? Really though, his soulmate is very kind and very much like him. I wish them both all of the happiness ever.

#bts tarot #bts #bts reactions #bts imagines #kim seokjin #jin #suga #yoongi #hoseok #jhope #namjoon #bts rm #bts jimin #jimin #jimin fanfic #taehyung #bts v #jungkook #bts astrology

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raevenlywrites · 3 years

Text

Okay, so. The point I wanted to make earlier was something like this:

TL;DR: Not knowing that hyperfixations were a thing hurt me, and cost me not only enjoyment of a thing, but more serious social and emotional growth potential. More kids need access to a broader range of what Normal is, and Normal needs to be opened up and expanded to include things that are perfectly harmless because the harm of excluding those things is immeasurable.

(Did I just put a tldr at the START of my post? why yes I did. why? because i’m about to drop this entire damned ESSAY under a read more because it’s dash destroying (think of it as an abstract on a scientific paper) ... (no, it is nothing like an abstract on a scientific paper. wtf did I say that) ... (anyways))

(Can you tell its an ADHD night? are there enough parenthetical asides in this yet?)

...

(no)

ANYWAYS

When I was a teen, I read a book called In The Forests Of The Night. I’m sure you’ve heard me mention it before, but believe it or not, it was only TONIGHT that it occurred to me that this book and its fellows is my hyperfixation. Because, for the first TWO THIRDS OF MY LIFE, I didn’t know to think of myself as someone with hyperfixations. Hell, I didn’t even know what a hyperfixation was. I am one of the countless adults who has self diagnosed as ADHD or autistic or SOMETHING, and this is the story of how not having a diagnosis growing up hurt me.

So. I read this book. My now-wife-then-unbeknownst-crush gave it to me as part of our ignorant teen courtship. You’ll like this, she said, trying to share an interest with me in order to bond. Thank you, I said, not knowing I wanted to smooch her face. Unimportant, but I like reminding myself when I look at back my teen years how queer I already was without knowing. And this story is mostly for my benefit of getting it off my chest, so smoochy thoughts included.

So I read this book. It’s short, 200 pages or so, and if I’m honest with myself as an informed adult, nothing spectacular. It’s not bad, but its not ground breaking. None of the books are. But they broke new ground in Me, and what grew out of them has literally shaped the course of my entire personality.

Raev, I hear you say, it’s not great to base your entire personality on a bit of pop culture.

Shut up, I said, I’m telling this story and anyways insert-edgy-media-here dudebros have been doing it forever. Anyways.

So I read this book. I read it again, and again. I read all the books that went with it, but I stayed especially hung up on Forests. Why? Partially because it was the first one I read. Partially because the MC and I share a name, and therefore in my little teen head a connection. It was the first time “Rachel” felt like an identity, instead of just an identifier, and one that way too many of my classmates shared. Rachel was a badass, stifled by her Christian upbringing and the expectations of the day on women. I was a badass, stifled by my Christian upbringing and the expectations of the day on women. Rachel became a vampire, spiteful and spitfire the entire way. She did it on her own terms (so my teen reading of the text went), spurning every attempt of her kind to show her the ways of the vampire. She had a nemesis, a clear, concrete reason for her pain, and took charge of that pain and overcame it to be a complete and utter badass by the end of the book (again, so my teen reading went. Part of the problem here was my teenness. Part of it was my neurodivergence, which I will get to (you didn’t think this would be a SHORT story, did you? I warned you I have ADHD and that this was my hyperfixation; how did you think this was gonna go?))

So I identified heavily with the protag, and with its shocking author. This lifechanging book was written by a teen, like me! Holy cats, I said to myself, why, if she can do it, so can I! I had just started writing my own first novel (a shameless retelling of Star Wars, hyperfixation of my grade school years), and immediately trashed it to write my own vampire thing. Because vampires were clearly IT and I was gonna be a cool badass author hero, just like the MC of the second book.

Then the shapeshifter books came out, and so did I.

It’s really unrelated, but that was a fun transition, and as previously stated, author-type. Anyways.

So I came out to my girlcrush, angsted about that a lot, and continued to gobble up the books. Did you know there’s a website, she said. There’s like a whole fan community and everything.

Now, part of the problem here was being part of the first generation on the internet. It was relatively new, and so stranger danger and not being entirely comfortable on the internet and all that had its part to play. But this is also where the hyperfixation finally comes into play.

I liked Nyeusigrube A LOT. A lot a lot. So much so that I made my own conlang, my own mythos, my own entire story universe patterned after this one but not exactly this one. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me to self-insert, just to shamelessly copy. That one I can’t explain, but this one I can now understand through the lens of an adult.

Nyeusigrube was my especially special interest, and I had no idea that was a normal, healthy thing.

So tangled up in all this was my raised-too-conservative freak out about being Not Straight. I had finally figured out I liked girlfriend, if not that I was incredibly bisexual yet, and that was a Big Deal. Super cool author I hero-worshiped was one of those “Do I want to BE her or just want her?” kind of idolations, but again, didn’t know that at the time either. So these two very normal things that I knew NOTHING about were getting tangled together in a rat king of Issues with a generous slathering of Shame glue to hold them all together. Add to it the paranoia/RSD/general not-great-at-social sides of my neurodivergence, and basically I had decided I was Too Weird and liked this book Too Much and if I so much as LOOKED at the websites/forums/etc, everyone would know and that would be Bad.

Did I have a clear idea of how that would look? Not really? I didn’t need to. Just the thought of checking out the fansites was enough to send me into a panicking guilt/shame spiral about how much I enjoyed the books. Everyone will KNOW, I thought, and it will be BAD. The End. It was Not Normal how much I liked the books and I will freak everyone out.

So.

If I had just KNOWN that hyperfixations were a thing, I might have still felt weird, but I don’t think I would have AGONIZED (and I do mean fucking AGONIZED) over how shockingly Not Normal my level of interest went. I might have still felt bad, because I didn’t have a diagnosis, and therefore probably wouldn’t have given myself permission of admit I had a hyperfixation, but at least I wouldn’t have wallowed in ignorance. Now, if I’d had the knowledge and the diagnosis, I probably would have still been too shy to interact, but I wouldnt’ have wasted hours of my life in panicked/guilt/shame spirals. If I’d have a diagnosis and a support group? If I’d had a diagnosis and been raised with the normalization of being queer? If I’d had medication, role models, a safe place to open up and communicate, so on and so on? Like, you get the idea, right?

I consider myself immeasurably lucky that my love of writing and vampires and high school girlfriend survived all this. (My equally intense boy crush of the time did not (not because I don’t like boys but because I fell down another hyperfixation spiral and no PERSON should ever be subjected to that but I digress)). As I said, this is my especially special hyperfixation. I can’t imagine how many hours of enjoyment I might have gotten out of the forums, the fan arts, the roleplaying groups, the FRIENDSHIPS, my gods, can you imagine the friendships? Anyways, what I’m really saying is that it caused me real emotional Pain and Trauma, thinking something was Wrong with me for my level of interest. A lot of people have regrets about like not trying out for the team or not asking so and so out or whatever, but mine is a stupid fansite. I have deep and palpable regrets about letting my fear and shame keep me from something so harmless and silly, and as I said before I don’t think I have a concise or tidy ending, but this was what I wanted to say on the matter so there it is.

TL;DR: (hey, didn’t you already post this part? Yes, yes I did. I’m doing it again, but this time its the In Conclusion bit instead of the summary bit) ...(abstract. they’re called abstracts)...(this is still FAR from a scientific paper) (ANYWAYS) Not knowing that hyperfixations were a thing hurt me, and cost me not only enjoyment of a thing, but more serious social and emotional growth potential. I was stunted and harmed by this lack of education, and I guess my point is I hope no one else has to go through that. If my stupid little story can fix a thing, I want it to be that. More kids needs access to a broader range of what Normal is, and Normal needs to be opened up and expanded to include things that are perfectly harmless because the harm of excluding those things is immeasurable. Thank you for coming to my TED talk

#raev rambles

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missmaxime · 3 years

Text

Author Ask

I was tagged by @bourbon-ontherocks to talk about one of my fav fics – Ain’t No Sunshine (Yes, he sole Beth/Turner fic – that’s also very much about Beth/Rio even though they never see each other). So, this got very lengthy haha, I hope you know what you asked for! Soo most of the time when I actually commit to writing a fic – and not just leave it on an idea or a vague outline – is when a random set of concepts, themes, challenges etc. fall into place in my mind and I’m like: yes. the fic. the fic is all these things.

So what were the important things?

* Beth/Turner I definitely feel like this ship is not under-appreciated, but vastly underwritten about (sole evidence: ao3), and since no one was writing it for me, I felt a big urge to do it myself. If I recall correctly I remember @medievalraven, @nottonyharrison , @nakedmonkey and maybe a few others mention the ship in tags or posts, and I remember thinking; ah, I’m not the only one. That’s encouraging! Not that I’d mind writing an unpopular pairing – but it’s always nice to know some people might be interested in reading it. * PTSD / Missing out on Beth dealing with it in S3 I’m absolutely fascinated with how people deal with PTSD – there’s definitely some personal experience laced in with that, but I’m intrigued by the whole spectrum. On the show we see Beth open up to Max (Stranger McStrangerface) about how she felt like after shooting Rio. Max, someone she has no obligation to, who she doesn’t lose face with, who doesn’t know her, doesn’t know the weight and emotion of that action and moment. One of the saddest moments I feel in the whole show is, after Annie and Ruby discover that Beth has befriended Rhea. Everything in the moment where they talk about the shooting, to Annie and Ruby’s reaction is telling: Beth hasn’t confided them with the truth, or bent the truth to a point where Annie and Ruby accept the fact that there’s no downside to Beth shooting Rio – even when it solely comes to Beth’s feelings. Annie and Ruby either choose to not engage with Beth’s grief and trauma, either because they feel like it’s a lost cause (she’ll shut down, pretend it’s not that bad, etc.) or because they don’t know how. Regardless of the motivation behind Annie and Ruby’s response, it tells me that Beth is dealing with these feeling alone. Point of all this: I was wondering what would happen if Beth tries to deal with her grief and trauma by seeking out the only person (in her reality at the moment) who experienced very similar feelings in that loft. Beth and Turner act very opposite in their PTSD (from Turner’s POV). Beth is using their time together to unload her trauma, to open up, to give up control in a way while also grappling to retain some – regardless of how messy, toxic and reckless it all is. While Turner, in his own opinion, uses the time to practice his control, blame Beth for being the emotional wreck in this situation. While Beth in a way embraces feeling something, Turner places himself above her to the point where he ridicules her in his head for coming back to him, while ignoring that he went to see her at work – practically forcing her to pay him a visit after she didn’t return after they had sex in his bedroom. Under the surface I wanted to shine through that while the whole situation is a mess: Beth continues the affair, even though she keeps escalating them physically, growing more emotionally detached, solely continuing to chase after some sliver of feeling even though she knows it’s a bottomless well. Turner continues the affair even though he becomes more emotionally invested, both in figuring out Beth and in the affair overall. They become the mirror of what Turner perceived them to be in the beginning. Turner expects himself to triumph out of their affair as ‘the winner’, perceiving it even as some sort of twisted competition – after all; he holds the higher moral ground, he knows more than her, he’s the experienced survivor – yet even though he sees Beth like many others don’t, he chooses to overestimate himself like he does with Rio. Eventually leading to him gradually caving to Beth emotionally, and his inflated ego from interactions with both Rio and Beth leading to his fatal demise. * Imagery / Lines of dialogue So, in visualizing the scenery I really wanted to feel a sense of isolation throughout the whole story. It’s a deliberate choice that save for the first scene, they never meet anywhere else than Turner’s apartment, and they never meet at daytime. I choose the title Ain’t No Sunshine for more than one reason, but establishing the overall visual was definitely one of them. It’s not just a situation that’s literally going nowhere, it’s dark and without a light at the end of the tunnel from the very beginning, and when there’s finally sunshine appearing, it’s the bringer of death. Turner’s apartment is probably the most impersonal housing situation we’ve seen on the show – it’s also designed that way; it’s corporate housing. It’s a temporary stop, it’s a place where nothing’s yours, made to stay for a little while and then move on. From the very beginning I knew I wanted the story to take place here for the most part, if not all of it. For Turner if feels impersonal because the apartment has no meaning, it’s disposable, it’s anonymous, it’s safe in a way, it doesn’t represent him – and it feels like he has the upper hand because she comes to him. For Beth it’s also impersonal because it’s also not hers, it’s far away from her own environments – and it also feels to her like she has the upper hand because she intrudes his place, like he has done to her before – it’s safe because it’s anonymous and it’s balanced. I often write a bunch of notes in my phone about fic (including lines of dialogue), but I wrote absolutely nothing about Ain’t No Sunshine. It’s one of those fics where I felt like I had a good grasp on the concept, the vibe and the setting when I started writing it, and every scene kind of naturally flowed out of the other. I knew I wanted to convey some things, so while I knew I wanted to say something about PTSD, I didn’t know a line like ‘Instead of your skin getting thicker with every shot fired, your skin gets thinner until it’s nothing but papyrus, tearing at the smallest implication.’ would come from that. I had a few markers of time (I knew roughly when it started, knew a few canon points that would happen, and obviously I knew when it would end) but I didn’t plan any of the scenes. * Cornerstone So while I def went into some specifics in all the points above, aside from wanting to explore the Beth/Turner ship, the most important thing was diving into all the messy, stupid, damaging and obsessive twists and turns people lose themselves in when dealing with heavy emotions like trauma and grief. While they make stupid choices herein, I also feel strong that they’re not always wrong in going into these extremes – because it’s normal to be a mess after the situation in the loft, to struggle with finding something harder and healthy instead of fast and easy. And while they can’t help themselves being judgy of each other, they’re also embracing each other like no one else around them is – intentional or not. Haha, this deep dive was a ride! I tag:

@mamey2422 with And I Feel Fine @mego42 with listening through the air shaft @wakeupflawless with The King’s Mistress Rules under the cut!

Recently I have become really fascinated with fanfic authors and what exactly was rumbling around in their brain that inspired a fic? Was it a line of dialogue you couldn’t get out of your head?A scene you wrote WAY in advance and then crafted the whole story around?An image in your mind?Inspiration from another form of media?Maybe someone suggested something to you and it just TOOK off from there? What is the cornerstone of this fic -what is it all built around? The idea that started it all?

Tag an author & their fic. Let’s hear about what sparked your story. What exactly got your booty movin’ shakin’ motivated and writin’ ?

#asks #ask meme #author asks

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livefordrama · 3 years

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Reviewing Dramas I Have Watched Part 8

Again, here is my rating system: 1- Did not like, 2- Enjoyed but probably wouldn’t watch again, 3- Enjoyed and would watch some episodes again/may watch again, 4- Enjoyed and would watch again, 5- Loved

Korean Drama

My Strange Hero: 4

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Bullying, Verbal and Emotional Abuse

My Strange Hero is about a man named Bok-su (which stands for revenge), who was falsely accused by his friend and girl friend of shoving his friend off the school roof and expelled from high school. Now nine years later, he gets the opportunity to return to school but he isn’t just going to go back nicely, seeing the seemingly cozy lives those who betrayed him are living he decides to enact his revenge by proving how corrupt the high school and the people working in it are. However, his plans for revenge get more difficult to achieve when he begins to fall for his ex-girlfriend once again.

This show was cute and interesting, it made me mad and lot and Yoo Seung-ho never disappoints. I ended up watching it in less than a week with studying and all so it draws you in really fast. I absolutely loved the realistic factor of not having to forgive everyone for a good ending and to move on. Many shows, kdrama or otherwise, make characters forgive even those who did horrible things to them just for a good ending, and it’s not always that simple nor do you owe those who did horrible things to you an apology to be a good person and move on looking at you Missing Nine. However my main complaint with it is that the ending isn’t as impactful or satisfying as the ending three episodes previous. I’m glad they had the three ending episodes because the other characters got more closure, I just wish they would have made it as impactful as the ending of episode 29. It is about thirty minutes an episode so it’s a really fun and interesting watch if you need something on the shorter side. I highly recommend!

Love Alarm (Season 1): 3

Trigger Warning: Bullying, Suicide, PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Abuse

Love Alarm deals with the concept of having an app that can read your emotions and alerts your phone when you are in 10 meters of someone who loves you or alerts your crushes phone if they are within the 10 meters. It follows Jojo, a girl with a mysterious and sad past, who can’t download Love Alarm because of her phone. She is in an unhappy relationship and begins to have feelings for the new student. After being kind to a student, he gives her the phone and she can finally download it only to find that love is a lot more complicated than she originally expected.

Okay, I started this show because the new season was coming out and everyone was freaking out about it. I had been avoiding it all this time because I love Song Kang and have been following his work since his smaller roles, hoping he would get bigger roles. I was so excited when I first heard he would be the main here but couldn’t ever bring myself to watch it cause I don’t like romance love triangles and already knew he was playing the webtoon second lead which made it worse. Plus I have a trauma with anything that has Kim So-Hyun in it. I adore her acting, she is so good, too good. She just always plays in really sad, dark Kdramas and I always like the second leads in her shows so I just get sad and angry when I watch her shows. I at the time just didn’t feel like dealing with being annoyed and finally got in the mood to watch a cheesy love triangle romance. *spoiler alert* I can confidentially say that while no character and no ship is necessarily healthy, I do prefer Sun-ho to Hye-yeong. No, not because he is played by Song Kang, in the first few episodes I hated his character. I wanted to punch him so badly, but with all his immature flaws he did do some mature things. He told Hye-yeong to not fight over Jojo and to let her pick which I loved because, shows like to have the two people fight amongst themselves who gets the crush and that’s so stupid to me, Jojo is a person with feelings too and she might not like either so I loved that he said that. I also loved that instead of telling Hye-yeong not to pursue Jojo because he still loved her, he told Jojo to stay away from Hye-yeong so that he wouldn’t be hurt by her like Sun-ho was. He still loved her but his friend came first, and I felt horrible when he lost almost everyone who genuinely loved him. Hye-yeong is okay, but he isn’t even a healthier option, he literally stalks her all the time without her even knowing about it, he memorized her daily routine, where he’s going to college so he could move there to be around her, it’s just too creepy to me. Yes, Sun-oh stalked her too and that is not okay at all, but he made his presence known so that she can voice if she was uncomfortable or knew to call someone if she felt threatened, Hye-yeong sneaks around and doesn’t even talk to her and that’s super creepy to me. I just think they are both immature and personally with some growth I think Sun-oh is more fitting than Hye-yeong cause the two really do seem like they are in love with each other while Jojo and Hye-yeong seem like a crush that will turn out to be more platonic. I know it’s wishful thinking but that’s just my hopes. *spoiler over* I did really love this show actually, sometimes you just need a trashy dramatic romance. Yes, it had toxic behaviors but I still liked it, it felt like a realistic teenage couple in high school (minus Mr. Stalkery Stalks.) I think that not everything has to be analyzed, I enjoyed the cute romantic scenes at face value, even though I knew they weren’t healthy. If it happened to me in real life, I would have punched a bitch but it’s fun to watch on a screen.

Blood: 2

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Suicide, Terminal illness, Murder, Abuse.

Blood is about a surgeon who is also a vampire. He tries to control his vampire self and help humans while working on a way to make himself human. When he transfers to a new hospital things take a turn for the weird as the patients of the new ward start exhibiting symptoms he is all too familiar with.

Blood was really good for the first two thirds of the series. I watched it before I found out about the main couples real life situation but continued to enjoy it because it’s none of my business what they do in their personal lives (so please don’t message or leave comments about that situation or your opinions on it.) Both couples were super cute and there were some plot twists that admittedly got me. I liked the story line and the idea that vampires were viruses that doctors were researching in secret. I really got hooked for most of the story; however, the last few episodes felt almost like they switched writers and the new writer had never watched the previous episodes. Comments were made that never were brought up again, like the thirty minutes of vaguely discussing his parents and who he was as an infectee that was never even slightly brushed upon for the rest of the episodes let alone resolved. Not to mention that last episode was a total mess and the ending sucked. The last two episodes are not canon in my mind that’s how weirdly out of place for the show they felt, it was like a 180. The ending was so confusing and I just really hated how it all played out. Because of this, I give the show a 2 cause I did enjoy it a lot but I won’t watch it again. Once of that was enough.

Legend Hero: 4

Legend Hero, also known as Legend Hero Samgugjeon or Legends Heroes the Three Kingdoms, is about people who compete in a dream battle to acquire their ultimate dream. The main character acquired three spirit helpers which help him in combat by transforming him into an armored knight with special power, and later befriends angels who help him in the battles by boosting this power. He has to fight friend and foe alike to achieve his ultimate dream but that begs the question, is a dream really worth it?

I really enjoyed this show, it was admittedly difficult to get into at first but once I did, I was hooked. The characters were so cute and endearing, the plot had humor, angst, and fluff alike. The acting was a little silly at points but it was made for kids so it’s a little overdramatic. It was all around a very entertaining watch, I watched the whole series while on vacation during the resting hours when my family and I were lazing around the hotel and it was such a refreshing, happy, lazy watch. I highly recommend for those who enjoy a happy watch when they just wish to relax.

Web-Drama/Mini-Series

Power Rangers Dino Force Brave: 4

Power Rangers Dino Force Brave, while technically a sequel to the super sentai series, is a original stand alone production and sSouth Korean take on the power rangers series. While the power rangers finally enjoy the peace that had come to the earth, a new threat is brewing. The Neo-Deboth Army has arrived looking for the power of the dinosaur king, the power ranger once more have to come together to defeat this threat.

This show was super interesting and cute. I have never seen any of the power ranger series so I am entirely inexperienced when it comes to their world. However, I can confidentially say this is a good stand alone as I was not confused while watching it. The first episode got recommended to me on youtube and since I was bored and unsure of what to do, I decided to watch it. I believe I finished the whole series in only a few days. It was super cute and I liked how ironic and silly the ending was with all the characters, including the evil ones dancing together. I’m sure die hard power rangers fans hated that but as someone who knows nothing about the series, I found it quite hilarious. The plot itself was entertaining and cool, it had some angst moments and some cute moments. I loved the ending, but that’s all I will say about that.

Founder of Diabolism Q: 3

Founder of Diabolism Q is simply snippets of cute or funny scenes from the book that didn’t make it into the series or at least not in as much detail. It follows many characters in small, five minute long episodes and the shenanigans they get in to.

Founder of Diabolism Q was super cute! I have watched The Untamed and read some of the book but haven’t watch the actual anime yet. Still, I decided to watch this short series. I watched each episode as it came out and loved every one. There isn’t much to say on it though, other than it was super cute and if you love The Untamed or its adaptions, I highly recommend. Just make sure you watch or read one of the full adaptions first otherwise you will be very confused.

Imaginary Cat: 4

Trigger Warning: Depression, Suicide, Vomit, Illness, Death

Imaginary Cat is about an aspiring webtoon artist who, after loosing his crush and falling into a depression, finds a cat in an alley and takes her in. He is able to recover from the loss and get back into writing when he meets a girl who is obsessed with cats especially after she lost her kitten as a child. He is just trying to get his webtoon accepted and she just wants to get close to him and his cat.

This was such a cute little easy watch, but was really sad at some points throughout the series. I teared up through some scenes and laughed so hard through others. I also related a lot to how the main plays with his cat, especially when said cat wants none of it. It was a really nice mini-drama to watch in the very little time I had between studying and moving house. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would highly recommend to those who want a easy watch that’s a little sad and very cute.

Korean Movies

The Magician: 4

Trigger Warning: Blood, Abuse, Drugs, Suicide Attempt, Murder, Death

The Magician is set in the Joseon Era and follows the famous magician, Hwan-hee. He along with his blind friend Bo-eum ran away from their abusive caretaker as children and are still worrying about being found by him even to this day as they perform to keep their livelihoods. Meanwhile a noble lady who was sold to the Qing dynasty comes to town. The two end up running into each other and quickly fall in love, however they both have to overcome the obstacles in their way in order to be together.

I loved this movie, I had to pause a few times just to process how much I personally enjoyed it. I wish I was able to watch it in a better quality because I never once saw how his one eye was blue, I just took their word and the movie poster for it. Unfortunately, it was the only place I could find to watch so I took what I could. The only reason I am giving it a four instead of a five is the ending sucked. I hated the ending. It just felt unnecessary and honestly really pissed me off. I don’t always need a happy ending but I also didn’t need that kind of ending either. I would still recommend it to those who like angst with some romance and a open-ish ending.

Seondal The Man Who Sells the River: 5

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Death, Vomit, Gore

Seondal is supposedly a comedy about a group of swindlers who become fast family after escaping from a war they were drafted in. They work together to swindle their way into riches and out of dangerous situations. They gained a huge name in the Joseon dynasty for even swindling the king. However, after tragedy strikes, they decide to do their greatest job yet, sell a river of fake gold.

The movie was really good, both funny and heartbreaking. My friend and I watched it together thinking it would be a nice comedy after we watched some sad kdrama earlier that week however, it was most certainly not. We both ended up crying and raging. So just be warned it claims to be a comedy and it is hilarious for the first half of the movie, however it quickly turns dark so fast you are just sitting their in shock wondering what happened. I thought Xiumin’s acting was great and his character was adorable. I had not seen his acting before and he easily became a favorite. The movie’s plot and writing kept you engaged and entertained throughout and the ending was great in my opinion. Overall it was a really good watch, I have seen it twice now and thoroughly enjoyed it. I highly recommend to those who enjoy both comedy and angst.

#kdrama review #review #kdrama #my strange hero #love alarm #founder of diabolism q #founder of diabolism #the untamed #the grandmaster of demonic cultivation #Imaginary cat #The magician #blood #seondal the man who sells the river #power rangers #power rangers dino force brave #legend hero #legend hero samgugjeon #legends heroes the three kingdoms

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badass-women-league · 4 years

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TIVALI

11- Newborn

Ziva was in her last month of pregnancy. She has been pretty tired recently. They were about to leave for the park. Tony was waiting for Ziva in the living room. He was getting a little impatient when Ziva called him in the bathroom. He simply put his head round the door and asked:

-"what is it ? We are waiting for you, Tali is losing her patience"

-"the park will have to wait"

-"wait ? Why ?"

-"because my water just broke"

Tony panicked and pushed the door wide open:

-"what ?! Your due date is in more than two weeks"

-"well it seems like our baby already has a strong sense of humor"

Ziva was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. She was obviously in pain. Tony panicked even more:

-"what should we do ? We are not ready"

Ziva talked with a calm voice even though she was fighting the need to scream:

-"yes we are. Stop panicking. Your dad is in town. Call him and tell him to come and pick up Tali. Then you will take me to the hospital"

Tony repeated:

-"my dad, Tali, the hospital, stop panicking, right I got this"

At the hospital

Tony walked in Ziva's hospital room. He had just hung up with his father. He said:

-"Tali's fine. She asked me to tell you that she loves you. How are you ?"

She was fighting the pain. The monitor next to her was beeping to indicate the rhythm of the baby's heart.

-"I am fine"

-"of course I should have known you would answer that"

The nurse came in and asked:

-"how are we doing here ? How is the pain on a scale from one to ten ?"

Ziva was having a contraction, she grabbed Tony's hand and squeezed it strongly. Tony also fought the urge to scream when she squeezed it. Ziva answered:

-"7"

Tony looked at his hand and nodded:

-"yeah definitely 7"

The nurse asked:

-"is this your first one ?"

Tony said:

-"second child, first delivery for me, long story"

The nurse was confused but she didn't asked more question. She turned to Ziva and asked:

-"do you want the epidural ?"

Ziva was panting:

-"No! No epidural.."

Tony looked surprised:

-"what ? Are you sure ? I mean..."

He was not sure his hand would survive a birth without epidural. Ziva was panting. She took a deep breath as she felt another contraction coming and answered:

-"you do realize that it's the second time I do this..."

-"yes but the pain.."

She cut him and answered:

-"it only hurts if you let it"

She grabbed his hand again and squeezed it. Once again Tony kept his screams inside and asked to the nurse:

-"can I have the epidural instead please ?"

Once the nurse was out Tony asked:

-"are you sure about the epidural? I mean I know you are strong and completely capable of handling this by yourself but seeing you like this..."

Ziva smiled and cupped his cheeks:

-"don't worry"

-"don't worry ? Of course I worry, I've never seen you like that before. I am totally freaking out. You've already been through all of this, I haven't. You know how to deal with this, I don't. I don't know what to do. You are in pain and I am useless"

She grabbed Tony's face to stop him from panicking:

-"you're not. I need you Tony" she took a deep breathe to fight the pain and continued "I need you to be my rock ok ? I need you to have my back"

She grabbed his hand again to show him that she needed him by her side to support her. He knew he had no right to complain or freak out right now, now that she was experiencing the worst pain a human being can endure for him and for their child. He had to act like a man, like a husband, like a father. He thought: "come on DiNozzo, pull yourself together man !" She needed him to be her partner again, they needed to work as a team again. He smiled and said:

-"just like old times then. Come on let's get this baby out"

He helped her to get a better position and landed a kiss on her hand.

It was time for Ziva to give birth to this baby. She had been in pain for more that 4 hours. The heart of the baby was getting low and Ziva was out of strength. They had to get the baby out now for Ziva and the baby's sake. Ziva was all sweaty and panting. Tony was still holding her hand. His other hand was caressing her forehead. He had been freaking out about the situation but he knew that Ziva needed him to pull himself together. He was whispering:

-"you can do this babe... You are amazing... Just breathe... It will be over soon and we'll hold our baby... Push.... I know it's hard, breathe... I know it's painful but you are stronger than the pain... I love you... I am so proud of you..."

The love Tony had for Ziva was strongly increased as he saw her fighting and handling the pain like a warrior.

One final push and they heard screams. Newborn screams. Their baby's screams. For a second Tony thought that he was about to faint. The medical staff congratulated them but Tony couldn't hear them. His mind was filled with his baby's screams. They placed the baby in a towel on Ziva's chest and finally announced what Tony have been waiting for:

-"congratulations, it's a beautiful boy"

Ziva was crying, she was exhausted and the pain was still giving her hard time but she mostly cried because of the relief to see her child alive and well. He was finally out. Her fight was over.

Tony kissed Ziva's forehead and said:

-"it's a boy ! We have a boy!"

He looked at their baby. He was still wrinkled and covered with various fluids but Tony thought he was the most beautiful baby boy he has ever seen. His son.

The nurse asked:

-"how are we gonna name this beautiful boy ?"

Tony and Ziva looked at each other, smiled and nodded in approval of their final decision. They both answered:

-"Adam"

The nurse took the baby away in order to make a full check up of the newborn's health. When she grabbed Adam on Ziva's chest she said:

-"alright Adam, it's time for your little check-up and time to give your mom some time to recover"

Ziva grabbed Tony's hand and said:

-"you stay with him. I don't want him to be alone"

She was looking pretty nervous about being away from her son. Tony kissed her and said:

-"don't worry, I keep my eyes on him. Get some rest"

Tony walked out without realizing the actual situation. Ziva threw her head back on the pillow. She was exhausted but most of all she could feel her panic attacks coming back. It hasn't happened since a long time ago. But seeing someone else taking her child away from her had awaken some old trauma. She could hear his screams and seeing that nurse walking through the door with her son again and again. She felt dizzy, the room was moving around her. She needed them back but she didn't wanted Tony's moment to be ruined by her condition. She tried her best to control her anxiety so that when he comes back he could not figured out what was actually going on.

When Tony came back with the nurse Ziva was waiting for them. She felt relieved when she saw her son and Tony. She tried her best not to show any of her anxious feelings.

Tony walked directly to Ziva and said:

-"our son is fine! Strong and healthy as every DiNozzo before him"

The nurse turned to Tony and said:

-"take your shirt off"

Tony was more than surprised:

-"what ?"

He turned to Ziva with confused eyes. She wanted to laugh. A woman was asking him to take his shirt off and she was smiling. Something was definitely wrong. The nurse repeated:

-"come on sit down and take your shirt off. Don't worry it's not gonna hurt. It's called skin to skin, it's gonna help you bond with him"

Tony was still pretty confused and he really wanted to make a joke about James Bond. He looked at Ziva as he was about to and she just said: "don't !". Damn she knew him too well. He looked frustrated first but then he said: "alright you know I can't resist to a woman asking me to take my shirt off" and he took his shirt off and sat down. The nurse grabbed Adam and was about to place him on Tony's arms when he freaked out:

-"I am not sure, I mean... he's so tiny..."

The nurse laughed and turned to Ziva:

-"those men, they always think that they gonna break them. Do as I say and everything's gonna be fine"

That lady was pretty authoritarian, she reminded him of one of his former teacher in school. Not his best memory. She placed Adam in his father's arm and placed a hot towel around them. She gave him some instructions and finally left the family to enjoy this moment together.

Tony was slowly getting more confident. As long as he was not supposed to move, he was fine. He actually felt like he was the king of the world with his son resting on his chest. Ziva was looking at them with eyes full of love and tears as Tony was whispering inaudible things to his son.

A few hours later. Ziva was trying to get some rest. Tony was sat on the chair next to her. He was leaning on Adam's hospital crib to get a better look at him. Adam was wearing the usual beanie and mittens. He was asleep in his bodysuit saying "tiny human inside" (Tony's choice). Tony whispered:

-"He's so tiny. I can't believe he's here"

Tony placed his finger in Adam's hand and the newborn squeezed it:

-"look how strong he is, squeezing my finger like his mother squeezed my hand. It's still painful by the way" he paused and said: "You did an amazing job"

She smiled and said:

-"he did all the work"

Tony smiled and said:

-"you really have to learn how to take credit for yourself. I'll teach you, young padawan, I am a master of this subject. I can't wait for Tali to meet him"

Tony paused and realized that he had been so focused on his son that he haven't noticed that Ziva was not looking as good as he thought she would be. He asked:

-"are you sure you're ok ?"

Ziva didn't wanted to get him worried but obviously he knew her enough to see that something was going on. She said:

-"yes, it's nothing, just..." she took a deep breathe "when I saw that woman walking away with him, I felt like I was going through this again.."

-"you should have told me"

-"no, this is my demon, I can handle it on my own"

Tony lift his hand and showed his wedding ring:

-"you see this... it means that your demons are my demons. Let me help you Ziva. This time you have me, you don't have to do this on your own... you are not alone"

Ziva's eyes were full of tears. Tony winked at her and wiped a tear away. She slowly smiled. Adam made a squeaky sound. Tony turned to him and grabbed him carefully, he placed him in Ziva's arms and said:

-"you have me, you have our son and tomorrow Tali will be there too and we'll be whole again"

Ziva looked at Adam and smiled. It would be different this time, she was not alone.

The next morning.

Tony was gone to get Tali and his father to the hospital. Ziva was feeding Adam. His eyes were locked onto her mother's. He already had the DiNozzo's signature charming look. She knew she would be in trouble trying resist it and she certainly knew his father would teach him how to use it.

The bottle was empty, she looked at it and said:

-"you also have your father's and sister's appetite. DiNozzo's all the way"

She placed him on her crossed legs and took his bib off.

Tony knocked on the door and quietly entered. Ziva took Adam back on her arms and whispered:

-"hey look who's there"

Tali rushed to the bed. Tony freaked out for a sec:

-"easy, easy Tali. He's a baby, I told you, you have to be careful"

Tony helped Tali to get on Ziva's bed so she could have a better view of her baby brother. She was marvelled by her brother. She was touching his skin as if it was different from hers. Tony said:

-"his name is Adam, just like uncle Adam, you remember? We talked to you about him"

The little girl nodded but never got her eyes off of her brother. Tony said:

-"now give a kiss to ima, she missed you"

Ziva hugged Tali as she landed a kiss on her mother's cheek. Ziva asked:

-"where is your father ?"

-"he is waiting in the corridor, I wanted Tali to meet him first"

-"let him in"

Tony let his father get in:

-"dad, this is your grandson, heir to the DiNozzo's legacy.. Adam Jethro DiNozzo"

Senior looked at the boy. He was overwhelmed with joy. He said:

-"what a beautiful boy. I still think that Anthony would have suit you but.."

-"DAD! We talked about this"

-"I'm just saying, it's only my opinion"

Tony sighed:

-"and we are very glad you shared it to us. His name is Adam and it's suits him well"

Tony was really pissed off. Ziva smiled, she was amazed by the fact that even in those moments they were always finding ways to quarrel.

Adam was on Ziva's arm. She smiled and said:

-"I think it's time for daddy to bond a little bit more with you"

Tony looked confused but eager to discover what was coming next. Ziva held Adam out to Tony. When Tony took him he understood what kind of bonding Ziva was talking about. She looked at him with a mischievous grin. Judging by the smell it was diaper time. Tony cautiously followed every of her instructions. When he opened the diaper he said:

-"oh my god! What are we feeding you. This is a crime scene."

Tali and Ziva laughed out loud. After a long a laborious work composed with: "no, not like that", "on the other side, no the other side", "there, you put this here" Adam's diaper was finally changed. Tony looked so proud of his first diaper changing. He said:

-"It's not that complicated, I did most of it by myself"

Ziva and Tali looked at each other and both answered:

-"sure"

Tony was offended:

-"what ? Come on, you barely helped me" he lifted Adam in front of him and said: "come on tell them, you were the only one helping me here. We don't need them.. we can handle it, just us boys" Adam winced. Tony was confused until the disturbing smell of poop was back again. It was Tony's time to wince. He said: "you did not! Betrayed by my own son" He turned to Ziva and complained: "how many times does babies poop a day ?"

Ziva smiled and stroke his chest:

-"looks like he was not done the first time... go get him lion..."

Tony winced again and grumbled: "tiger... not lion"

Ziva triumphantly smiled and whispered:

-"whatever"

Ziva was taking a nap. She was still recovering from the exhaustion of Adam's birth. Adam on his crib, was starting to moan and gesticulate. Tony panicked. He did not wanted him to wake Ziva up. She needed and deserved some rest. He wanted to handle this by himself. He grabbed Adam and whispered:

-"sh.. sh... it's alright.. I am here... what do you need ? Are you hungry ? Yeah, daddy is hungry too.."

He turned to Tali and whispered:

-"ima has prepared a bottle for him, can you bring it to me ?"

Tali grabbed the bottle and held it out to her father. Tony smiled and said:

-"go on, do it"

Tali hesitated for a moment. She did not wanted to hurt him or do something wrong. Tony encouraged her again and she finally presented the bottle to Adam's lips.

-"that's it.. you see.. he was just hungry... we are getting good at this. We are a great team"

He waved his free hand above Tali's head so she could give him a check. She checked him and smiled. She was so proud of taking care of her baby brother.

Once the bottle was empty Tony helped Adam to burp.

He encouraged him:

-"come on! You can do this !"

Adam burped and Tali winced and said still in a very low voice:

-"ugh!!! He is disgusting"

Tony quietly laughed and proudly said:

-"that's my boy. DiNozzo all the way. You should really enjoy this time son, when I do the same, your mom give me a head slap"

When Ziva woke up Tony was asleep in the armchair next to her. Adam was resting on his chest, Tony's arms wrapped around him. It was the most beautiful picture she had ever seen. They both looked very peaceful. Ziva saw the empty bottle next to them and smiled. He had handled this all by himself.

Tony received a video call from the team in D.C. He answered it and saw Tim and Ellie's face on the screen. When they saw Tony's face they all smiled and greet him. Ellie started first:

-"hey you! Congratulations "daddy of two" !"

-"Thank you guys!"

McGee asked:

-"how is Ziva doing ?"

-"she's fine. You know her, she just gave birth and she already wants to go running. she's right here"

He turned the screen to Ziva. She frowned at Tony and then waved at them. She was holding Adam in her arms and Tali was next to her.

The team greet them both. McGee continued:

-"hey girls! How are you big sister ?"

-"fine uncle Tim"

-"how is it to have a baby brother ?"

-"he's just eating and sleeping all day"

McGee laughed and said:

-"yeah just like daddy when he was working here..."

Tony turned the phone back on him to argue:

-"hey! I was a very capable agent back in the days, better than you McGeek"

McGee complained:

-"yes Tony we all know you were a good agent now please, it's not your face that we want to see. Show us the new wonder of the world"

Tony was falsely offended:

-"alright alright.. get ready to have your world rocked guys" he moved closer to Ziva "ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Adam DiNozzo"

Ellie couldn't resist and said:

-"oh my god he's so cute"

McGee said:

-"yeah! I can't believe there is a third male DiNozzo in this world"

-"that's right McGee there is a new DiNozzo in town and he actually already made a good impression on a bunch of newborn ladies at the nursery"

McGee winced and said:

-"oh my god this world is not ready for this, please Ziva make sure that Adam is not gonna become like him"

She smiled:

-"I will McGee"

Tony said:

-"it's too late guys, she can't do anything about it, it's gonna happen"

The conversation was going on and it was already time for them to hang up. Ellie asked:

-"when are you coming to D.C, we want to see his pretty face in person"

-"we come back in a few weeks, for thanksgiving, tell Gibbs that we'll call him later"

Later that day. Gibbs had been pretty busy at work. He entered his kitchen grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge and then walked back to the living room. He collapsed on his couched and sighed. He took a sip of beer when his laptop dinged. The sound of a new email. He stood up and walked to the table in his kitchen. He pressed a key and his mailbox opened:

NEW EMAIL

FROM: TONY DINOZZO

OBJECT: A DINOZZO PRODUCTION

Gibbs smiled and pressed a key again to open the file. A video started.

Ziva was sitting on her hospital bed with Adam in her arms and Tali next to her. Tony was holding the camera. He turned to Ziva and Tali and said:

-"hey boss, McGee told us that you were pretty busy with work so we thought we would sent you this little video, I don't know if you'll know how to open it but anyway.. here we are, and here he is, the new member of our team" Tony sat next to Ziva so that Gibbs could have a good view on Adam "this is Adam Jethro DiNozzo. We wanted him to have a special second name and what better name than the name of the man without whom this family would never have happened ?" Tony came closer to the phone and whispered "Also I wanted to prank him by giving him a name he will probably not be able to pronounce until he is like 10 years old." Gibbs laughed. Tony came back to his original position and continued "As you can see, he is pretty quiet now but trust me, his functional mute is not working as good as yours. We are all looking forward to present him to you in person at Thanksgiving. We will make sure everyday that he will grow up to be worthy of having your name. See you later Boss" They all waved at Gibbs and the video ended. He was touched by the idea that they had chosen his name to be linked forever to their son. He had always blamed himself for not seeing what was in front of him. It was good to see them happy. After everything they had been through. He missed them everyday. His agents, his children, his family. He had raised them to be better agents, better people. He knew what he had taught them would probably help them be better parents. He had left a pretty strong mark on their life.

#ncis #tony dinozzo #tiva #ziva david #michaelweatherly #tiva fanfiction #tali david dinozzo #cotedepablo #ncis fanfiction #tivali

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dotthings · 4 years

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Okay SPN 15.04, here we go, where I feel weirdly self-conscious about posting a meta post about an ep that had so much meta on itself and now I’m going to write meta about it, so it’s meta on meta on meta, while I’m having my feelings.

THAT COLD OPEN HOLY CRAP DIRECTOR JENSEN. As a director Jensen always pulls out warm performances from actors and he’s a really kinetic director too. That opening fight sequence I held my breath for a lot of it.

BENNY OH NOES IT’S BENNY (this must be the character Jensen said was one of his favorites and the actor came back to set for one day to do it). “I’ll see you on the other side, brother.” Thanks so MUCH, spn, I thought I was over this and then you come in and reopen that and now I’ve got feelings gdi. Benny was a good friend to Dean. My heart hurts.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit demon blood Sam. Noooooo. And he kills Dean. I can never erase these images from my mind, thanks a LOT spn.

Just a nightmare of Sam’s except no probably not given Sam’s god-wound, so wow this maybe happens on one of Chuck’s other worlds, that’s fine, oh that’s okay I’m fiiiiine, it’s fine. *covers face*

So we have a flip on early S14 here where Dean was turtling to cope with his trauma which is a healthy thing to do but hiding from the world wasn’t going to fix anything so Sam coaxes him out with a hunt. Dean coaxes Sam out with a hunt only I don’t think hunting works for Sam the same way, it’s not Sam’s mental comfort food the way it is for Dean, but still I appreciate the mirroring there.

Sam’s struggling with Rowena’s death and I think those horrific AU nightmare visions aren’t helping much either, but it’s clear he’s feeling the loss. Her loss, all the recent losses.

Dean trolls Sam with real bacon, which seems like Dean is maybe trying to cheer Sam up by pranking him and trying to cheer himself up via food pranks. Dean has quite the case of the munchies in this ep.

I noticed almost every scene Dean is snacking or drinking from his flask. How’s that whole “Cas walked out and left apparently for good” working out for you Dean, wow, you’re suspiciously chipper while stuffing your face and drinking and Not Talking About It. Did Sam and Dean talk about where’s Cas? Who knows, the ep didn’t mention it, hey SPN you needed a Cas mention, OH WAIT THE EP IS GOING TO CALL ME OUT FOR SAYING THAT.

Seriously though, this is very Dean MO, and I have thoughts about his mood in this ep and how Cas’s absence was felt, and what it means, I’ll get to that later, but even before the last scene Impala talk, I was thinking Cas is a reminder of pain--and no it’s not all about Dean’s anger at Cas, it’s not because Dean is angry at Cas. Cas is a reminder of some things Dean just isn’t coping with very well and part of the problem is Dean cares so much.

So Dean’s snacking and drinking and Sam is feeling the weight of them knowing all the scary things out there while people go on obliviously with their lives and I’m not sure if Sam is envying them or Sam is feeling some existential angst about the state of the world, how people can go about their lives unaware there are real monsters ready to pounce and tear their lives to shreds. And feeling the weight of the job they do in every bone of his body. Sam’s in a dark headspace.

Ok I admit I was not thrilled to see Becky again given her previous episodes and role. SPN’s later in-canon fan characters were much more nuanced and successful and respectful depictions of fans. But as with many other things, this era of SPN is revisiting some things to move them forward in a different way than before, and subvert some things that needed subverting and Becky has had--wait for it--character development. How about that.

Yes, Becky, run, you do not want anything to do with Chuck. Run, Becky run. I’m rooting for her now. RUNNNN.

Along with finding a more constructive way of channeling her interest in the Winchesters’ lives, and having a satisfying fandom creative life and a full life of her own, Becky has funko pops of Sam, Dean, and Cas. LOL. I see you spn.

Dean, still with the case of the munchies. So this is like the eating a whole pint of ice-cream after a break-up, only Dean does it with junk food while hunting vampires.

I enjoyed this conversation between Becky and Chuck about writing immensely. Becky is actually right. Speaking myself as someone who’s suffered from writers block for a while, it’s miserable, and not writing just perpetuates the cycle. You feel cut off from an important part of yourself. And--oh here we go getting meta within meta--I find writing meta on SPN a positive outlet.

“Writing is writing.” Damn Becky’s takedown of Chuck’s derisiveness about fanfic was sizzling and oh excuse me Chuck, what is it you think you were doing with those Supernatural books about your favorite story. Even though he’s the creator, I know. But still. Also seems to be a sly comment on how male-authored “fanfic” based on someone else’s characters or historical characters gets to be professionally published novels and nobody wants to admit it’s fanfic but it is, but women write fanfic and women write novels based on someone else’s characters or historical figures and it gets derided.

Did not expect commentary celebrating the creativity and validity of fanwork of women in particular an episode of SPN, especially not with Becky of all people, but here we are.

Uhhhh is Chuck writing this episode, as it happens? I am seriously uneasy now. What is going on. What is real. Which is what I think Dean is going through because of Chuck and OUCH the Winchesters think they’re free but they’re not but also they are their own people and Chuck isn’t controlling them but it’s like he’s still making the framework?? Or would this case just be happening on his own and Perez is just messing with our heads in this script right now.

Oh damn because this ep wasn’t sadness enough now here we go with the Jack parallels. “I can’t control this.” “I’m a monster.” “I killed someone I love.” Parents doing anything to save their out of control teenage kid or does he need to be killed, so the parents are Cas, while Sam and Dean are Dean.

Interesting that Dean lowered the gun and didn’t kill Jack, but tells Sam they would do that for Jack if it was necessary. You didn’t, though, Dean. You couldn’t go through with it any more than those distressed parents of the vampire teen.

Becky is voicing various non-dire fan complaints here, every lane of the fandom is being gently called out right now. Hahaha including lack of Cas mentions in an ep that pointedly is not!Mentioning Cas because it’s not a mistake there’s actually reasons for that which is just lampshading how much Dean is pointedly Not Going to Talk About Cas.

“Where they sit around doing laundry and talk” -- again every lane of the fandom should feel very called out right now. Seriously, fandom lanes that hate each other’s guts all have that common factor of craving more domesticity, and would like to see the laundry ep of SPN and for many, it has better include Cas, or we’re working through our need for this via fanfics or fanart. Even Jared and Jensen have expressed interest in a “Winchesters do the laundry” kind of episode.

But here’s the thing--here’s the thing about SPN...it depicts domesticity. In small bits of pieces. Even in this ep there’s domesticity. SO HA. It’s not that SPN is against depictions of domesticity, it’s definitely in the toolset of its storytelling, to give the characters more layers, to make their lives seem more real, but there needs to be mostly an action plot because that’s the genre so they mostly kill monsters and we only get nibbles of domesticity.

Becky and Chuck arguing about Chuck’s incredibly dark story ending, after Becky criticized him for the story not having enough bite, was so interesting. While the episode’s dark story ending was actually quite well done IMO and not overdone and yes it’s bleak but it’s supposed to be. So it’s not that sad is always terrible writing, no. It isn’t. But its overuse has been a raging hot topic in spn fandom for years and SPN is a hopeful narrative as well as a bleak one. Overuse of loss of hope and misery can hurt the story, causes a number of fans to become desensitized and lose their emotional engagement for it (which has happened to be at a couple of points in SPN’s long run). So that conversation interested me a great deal, yes it did.

So.....SPN had its current biggest of the biggest of ultimate big bads, the ultimate power God himself, the author, and made him the enthusiast for overuse of the misery pr0n like that’s the only smart way to tell a story. The season’s big bad villain is a misery porn enthusiast.

I’m just gonna....sit here and absorb that for a moment.

Oh and this while all the PR for the show keeps warning us about how sad this story is and how bleak the ending will be, not a happy ending show. Are they warning us? Are they trolling us and misdirecting? Because they made their villain a misery pr0n fanboy and this intelligent, self-aware positive depiction of Becky the fan taking him to task for it.

I feel like could be headed for every story needs its darkness and its light, you need the darkness to appreciate the light, and you need some light or the story is less meaningful. We’ll see.

“I’m a writer,” says Chuck and then takes away everyone Becky loves and then unmakes Becky. This is a purposeful depiction of a writer creator as a sadist. It’s a diabolical reversal on the Stephen King’s Misery scenario. Becky played the deranged fangirl in the past, who kidnaps an object of obsession, now she’s the victim of the deranged sadistic writer who breaks into her home, destroys her life, and then effectively kills her because of his own obsession with making Sam and Dean wretchedly miserable because he thinks that’s the only way to make the story exciting.

*blinks*

In the last scene, oh thanks Sam, for vocalizing the Jack connection.

Hey Dean, that’s really a nice speech and yes Sam did give you a great pep talk but Sam wasn’t the only one who told you what you did still has meaning. This is like 15.01 where Dean is pointedly erasing Cas again despite Cas very obviously having done something Dean refuses to acknowledge. In 15.01 it was Dean leaving Cas out of his us vs the forces of evil speech to Sam, despite Cas having spent most of the ep shooting ghosts in the face and saving Sam’s life twice. Sam and Cas both have given Dean pep talks about the meaning of what they do but only Sam pulled Dean out of it...uhhh yeah that’s not writer error or canon ignoring Cas. That’s Dean trying to push Cas out of his mind. Something there hurts so much Dean isn’t dealing with it right now.

As I said, as I’ve been saying, it’s not so much that Dean is that angry at Cas. It’s not just about Mary. Or about Cas keeping things from him. Although those are all valid reasons for Dean’s hurt and anger. Dean seems to be afraid or hurt over more than that. And his love for Cas, IMO, is part of why this is weighing so heavily. What does he fear. I think it’s connected to the whole existential crisis about Chuck. What if none of this is real. I’ve talked about that in other posts, if none of this is real, if Dean still doubts, then what if what’s between him and Cas isn’t real, what if Cas doesn’t really care about him because none of it real.

Dean valiantly puts a brave face on things here, they keep going, they keep fighting for the sake of those they lost, no matter what, “keep putting one foot in front of the other.” Which makes sense. That’s how you honor those you’ve lost. It’s just that I don’t think Dean has really reached that. He is Not Dealing with an awful lot of stuff here. And we have seen again and again how hard Dean reels from losing loved ones. So what’s going on with Dean here. This is a healthy concept, but not if Dean is just whistling past the graveyard again. This might look like character development except look at what’s been going on with Dean. How deeply losing Mary, losing Jack affected him. The impact of those losses needs to be acknowledged and dealt with in order to truly move on and move forward. It’s like Dean is voicing a healthy outlook but isn’t actually experiencing it. I think Dean is posturing because if he lets all the hurt it right now, it will devour him.

There’s also the part where Sam and Dean have in the past displayed a lack of ability to just keep on keeping on if they lose each other, so they used to sell their souls, or violate the other one’s wishes and autonomy, or let the darkness free, but we’ve also seen them let each other go, and “keep putting one foot in front of the other.” Sam and Dean have done both ways with each other. Dean didn’t exactly just keep on keeping on no problem when Cas died at the end of S12.

Sam voices the other side of things, he can’t just move on right now. He’s feeling all the losses. They’ve piled up and piled up and it’s crushing him. Sam says he "can’t breathe” at times. He brings up Jessica, a loss he suffered 14 years ago.

So Sam and Dean are airing the two aspects of loss and grief on SPN. One the one hand, you don’t just give up and quit because of loss. Honor who you’ve lost and keep on fighting. But losses are deeply felt, and it’s not all okay either. Sam and Dean don’t just shrug off these losses because they have each other. That’s not how this works. They need more than just each other and SPN is increasingly having more and more open dialogue about all of this.

S15 so far has been so much about the impact losing people they love has on Sam and Dean, and why their isolation isn’t a good thing.

And there’s Chuck, the big bad, typing away to add more misery. Because Chuck gets off on giving them loved ones and taking them away, over and over and this isn’t presented as a good thing or a satisfying thing or a desirable thing or a celebration of anything.

#Sam Winchester #Dean Winchester #Chuck Shurley #Becky Rosen #spn #supernatural #supernatural spoilers #meta #Sam and Dean: a work in progress #Destiel #Team Free Will #Jack Kline #Castiel

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