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asexualbuthorny · 1 month

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I’m a background character but the villain’s mine pt.5

CW: past toxic relationships, future smut, fear of SA, snuggling and cuddling, Mpreg mention, Mendella is confusion, reader continues to simp

I’m a background character but the villain’s mine pt.5

CW: past toxic relationships, future smut, fear of SA, snuggling and cuddling, Mpreg mention, Mendella is confusion, reader continues to simp

Your and Mendellas wedding was almost pathetically small and quick. You didn’t mind of course since you didn’t really like large crowds or big and loud events that dragged on for hours. Your poor brothers were almost always the unfortunate witnesses to any tantrums caused by fear or discomfort. They were very understanding and more often than not tried to help you get some piece in some way. When you told them about your marriage and to whom you were getting married to your brothers got a little concerned before quickly realizing that you were after all in your right mind and knew what you were doing. Warnings and wishes for you to be safe and careful were exchanged but your family was supportive of your union. Your father sadly couldn’t make it to the ceremony since he was retired and traveling the world and the timing of your wedding didn’t give him any time to come back. He did send a present though so that was nice of him. Now as for Mendellas family...They looked as haughty and arrogant as ever. Walking around as if they owned the place *tch*. You were kind of ready to leap at your brides brothers throat because of the way the other man was looking at Mendella. Like the most radiant person in the world was nothing more than an eyesore. You were lowkey fuming but also had to hold yourself back from purring way too loud during the ceremony ‘cause of how happy you were. Mendella looked more relieved too as the event came to an end. He was really eager to get away from his family you guessed.....

Finally. Finally Mendella could breath a sigh of relief as his marriage to (Name)(Lastname) became official. Now his family could do absolutely nothing to him as the contract they all signed stated that he now fully belonged to the other lord. Belonging to someone as if he were mere property hurt his pride but this was better than being forced into the bed of a man almost thrice his age (and from what little interaction they had (Name) really didn’t seem that bad). Since everyone wanted to end this whole thing as quick as possible there was no banquet and after the official part and brief congratulations from both families everyone went their own ways. To say that Mendella wasn’t anxious would have been a lie because now he had satisfying his new husband to worry about and the last thing he needed was another failed pairing. He had to make their first married night memorable lest his savior gets disappointed. Mendella did promise to make it worthwhile and he will. Not matter how painful or humiliating it gets....

Once you and your now husband arrived at your home you were ready to lay down and spend the rest of the day sleeping beside the best person in the world. Oh how you longed to hold him, to cuddle with him on your warm and soft bed, to kiss him anywhere and everywhere he would let you, to shower him with gifts and love. “Ah~ my dear husband. The ceremony may be over but I still have one last thing for you before we go rest” after saying that you cringe inwardly because seriously? How lame could you get? Is it appropriate to call him that? Should you have waited? What even is social interaction? Stopping your thoughts you go and retrieve the gift you’ve had prepared a long ass time ago. The present was born from a frankly insane delusion and a hyper fixation that followed. You hadn’t slept for a long time and began thinking how you could possibly wow the only person who shined in your heart. And since you knew that crystal flowers were your main big thing and Mendella hated things that were useless and obstinate you created fully crystal flowers that would never wilt and remain beautiful and shiny forever. When you presented the omega with the flowers his ears perked up in visible interest since nowhere else had he ever seen fully crystal flowers. “Wha-? How? For me?” “Yes for you. How I made them is a secret but I knew you disliked useless and temporary things so I made you something that would stay forever and actually has a use!” you interrupted his stuttering while enjoying his flustered expression very much. ‘Did I do good? Do you like me? Am I being a good husband?’. The questions in your head were endless...

To gift him something like this...What was your angle? Mendella wasn’t even sure what was going on anymore. You made those flowers especially for him. What could Mendella do to be even with you pay everything back was beyond him. Just what would you have him do? The omegas imagination immediately conjured up images of being pinned beneath you and being fucked painfully while you degrade him and whisper promises of even more pain in his ear. Would you demand heirs of him right away? It would be very difficult to get pregnant when not in heat, drugs existed of course, but from what Mendella knew drug induced heats could be dangerous so he sincerely hoped you wouldn’t force that on him....

It was finally evening and you all could rest after a frankly exhausting day. You were in the room that was prepared for you and Mendella for your “wedding night”. You were sweating once again because who wouldn’t be pouring buckets in this situation? You were both almost naked! “(Name) we should- we should preform our ah marital duties” Mendella whispered so quietly that you almost didn’t hear him. Your ears twitched. You felt yourself begin to blush. “HUh!? Uh yea sure duties yea” you were really a master at making a fool out of yourself weren’t you?....

You two shuffled around on the bed until Mendella laid beneath you your eyes meeting as you tried to calm yourself. Although...Something was wrong. The more you looked at your husband the more your stomach churned. He didn’t look like he wanted this at all. In fact he looked like he would rather be anywhere else than here, with you. You were getting sick. You can’t do it. Not like this. “Mendella. I-I can’t. I’m sorry it’s just that-that you look like I’ll kill you if you breathe wrong. I-I don’t know” you mumbled as you got off of him and sat at the edge of the bed. “Bu-Wait! We must! We-” the omega got up as well and scooted closer to you in an attempt to get you to do what you were “supposed to”. You turn to look at him “We don’t have to do anything.” you huff “It’s no ones business what we do in the bedroom” “I don’t want to do anything if you don’t truly want it” you tried to placate the man next to you. Mendellas ears were pressed firmly against his head as he tried to think of what to do. “But it’s my duty to satisfy you. You know that I’m sure” the omega tried again. You tsk-ed as you took your husbands hands in your own. “My dear I’ll be honest with you. I could go my entire life without having sex with you if you never wanted it. I have a perfectly functional hand and access to more toys than most people could imagine.” “What about a mistress?” the stars of the universe asked you. “I would rather swallow glass than betray you in that way. The day we were married I became yours just as much as you became mine.”. You kiss his hands and your tail slowly and gently winds itself around his own. “My dear husband” you begin “May I hold you tonight? Nothing more I just wish to be near you. You can say no and I’ll leave or sleep on the floor. Anything to make you most comfortable”. Mendella sat there for a bit before his ears relaxed and his tail gently squeezed yours. “I’ll allow you to hold me for the night. It would reflect badly on us if the groom got kicked out of the marital bed.”. You purred with with happiness and your noises got even louder as the two of you got beneath the covers. You made sure to hold him gently as you nuzzled into his hair. Your warmth seeped into Mendellas skin as he relaxed into your hold. You two laid there, your tails intertwined as you dozed off to dreamland....

#my story #my writing #original work #I'm a background character but the villain's mine #dom reader #dom!reader #alpha male reader #omegaverse #omega male character #male reader x male character #what if i made art for my fic?#wouldn't that be something?#i finshed writing this at 3 in the morning so idk what went where

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gemini-care-barr · 2 months

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Okay, I’m an effort to lighten up here’s a more fun question.

It’s Saturday night and Oppenheimer just dropped on Amazon prime. And all ur favs and their respective partners (so like Bruce brings Selina and Barry brings Iris etc.) to a JLA watch party!

How do you think all (or some) of your favs would react to the movie? Who would like it? Who would say words? Any fun commentaries? Who’s talking the most? Who’s eating the most? Who disagrees with Oppenheimer etc.? Who’s spiraling? 🤣

I’m still reeling at the fact that you think anything to do with Oppenheimer would lighten things up hahah 😭🤣

To answer, as briefly as possible haha:

Barry/Iris: Barry is interested from a scientific and historical perspective and very moved by Oppenheimer’s dilemma and the emotional burden he carries after the realization of his creation lands squarely on him. Iris is hyper-fixated on why tf Florence Pugh had to be naked right in front of her salad lmao.

Hal/Carol: Hal is high key bored and asking Barry when the explosion happens, once it does happen he’s in absolute shock that the credits aren’t immediately rolling. Carol is enjoying it as a closet movie buff and is feeling very seen in all the scenes showing the stress of organizing large projects haha.

Bruce/Selina: Bruce is interested for similar reasons as Barry and is getting ready to enter an hours-long debate with Barry and Ollie about the validity of creating something so dangerous for the sake of making it first. Selina is recognizing the validity of avoiding marriage when men like Oppenheimer exist, and is getting ready to enter into an hours-long debate with Lois and Dinah on how marriage could possibly be an option lol.

Arthur/Mera: Arthur is approaching the movie from a king’s perspective and is appalled at the idea of weapons of mass destruction because of the endangerment of so many innocents, he’s getting ready to join Ollie’s fight against the preemptive motive of mutually assured destruction. Mera is surprisingly okay with mutually assured destruction and even more surprisingly likes the movie as a movie, so she’s just vibing while eating popcorn haha.

Clark/Lois: Clark is saddened by the story, but understanding of Oppenheimer’s hunger for knowledge, it’s nothing he didn’t already know, and now he’s getting ready to play referee for the Barry/Bruce/Ollie/Arthur fight debate. Lois is looking up articles on Oppenheimer’s life to see just how accurate this movie is, “no way he said that ‘I am become death’ line right then,” she thinks.

Ollie/Dinah: Ollie, ah Ollie, he’s ready to fite, Oppenheimer’s complete disregard for human life and the flimsy excuse of the safety of mutually assured destruction or getting ahead of the “bad guys” when creating something so dangerous just isn’t enough for him, he holds little sympathy for Oppenheimer and doesn’t believe in his remorse, he’ll fight Barry and Bruce’s scientific/pragmatic/forgiving natures on this. Dinah has Ollie’s back on this, she’s slightly more forgiving, but that gets overridden by Oppenheimer’s treatment of the people in his life, granted, she’s also not that willing to fight over a movie no matter how historically accurate (or not) it is, so she’ll be supporting Ollie, but also reminding everyone to chill.

J’onn: He’s amazingly brought down by thoughts of his home world that are sparked by the movie, he has a deep appreciation for art though and is marveling at the technical and artistic aspects of the movie, the cinematography, audio, writing, and acting are all stunning and he is moved, he’ll be the one to sober everyone up afterwards and remind them that they’re all friends here, he’s the true mediator of the group, everyone trusts him on this since he’s the closest to all that pain.

And those are my thoughts! Sorry for getting a little sad there at the end haha, but can you blame me?? It’s Oppenheimer 😭

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knullanon · 2 years

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H! I was just wondering if you were planning on continuing your Doc Ock New Year’s Eve thing? I have a hyper-fixation on him, but I’ve only been able to find like three platonic fanfics with him, so it would be fun to see more of it (and possibly future platonic fanfics with him 👉👈) Have a great day!

ok I was originally gonna discontinue it but a bunch of ppl asked for it so this is the 3rd part! be warned tho, I was gonna discontinue it bc I didn't like how I wrote it, so it might be janky as fuck because I truly have no idea on how to write it anymore. but I do have ideas for him in the future!

New Years Eve Part 3

word count: 2306

summary: while tensions have calmed between you and otto, your want for freedom is is still there.

warnings: minor injury, lmk if I missed any!

"Spider-Man is a menace, just destroying property and ruining the neighborhood with his lies! In fact, crime has actually spiked from the last 10 years to now, from when spiderman first started his little game with these maniacs! The only thing he has done is-"

"Would you mind turning that down? I need to concentrate on this build."

While Otto was happy you were finally setting in, he also did not appreciate these little segments where you were just being annoying for the sake of being annoying. This could range from malicious compliance to right now, where you were allowed your little segment of the news, and you would blast it at the loudest volume possible.

Otto returned back to his project when slowly, the volume lowered until it was barely a mumble. This latest project was actually a request from Martin Li, something about a cloaking device for a car. It was a strange request, but not impossible. He had wanted to get it done sooner than later, so he could continue to work on his latest "override" project.

Unfortunately, the system had connected to all the doors in the complex, which made things utterly impossible to try and test. it was a simple fix, really, but so far, there was no time to do so, especially with this new little cloaking device for Li.

The override project was supposed to be a new way of almost trapping Spider-Man, to put him in a certain area and lock him there. So far, there was little success in even finding an area to test it, but Otto was not one to back down.

He had to deal with it later, however, as the build for Li still needed to be completed.

Wondering back to you, he thought about your wants. He remembered you asking him about a, as you referred to it, "child-proof" computer. You had explained while it still had most of the functionalities of a computer, it just didn't allow for communication of any kind, and that certain websites would be blocked or completely gone.

Maybe he would get you a computer of your own. Maybe he might even build it from scratch, as to not miss any mistakes of course. He had smiled at the thought of you and him building one together, but he later decided against it as while he trusted you, there was still a possibility of you tampering with it in any way.

I could also get them into working with me, as well. It would be a waste to just let them sit and do nothing all day-

Throwing the tool down, he clutched his palm, and hissed in pain. He had burnt his hand on one of the exposed wires. He powered down the machine, and tried to ignore the sing-song tune one of his arms was making in his head.

Walking out of the lab, neither him nor his arms noticed you sneaking into the room from the other side.

---

You weren't originally going to sneak in. In fact, you were there to ask him about what he wanted for dinner. But he had startled both you and himself from the burn. You hadn't even entered the room, but you could hear him moving around, and when you did eventually peak your head in, his back was facing you and he was walking out, presumably towards his little med bay.

Once you heard the door close is when you actually walked in. Looking around, you could obviously tell he was busy doing something. He had blueprints, tools, safety masks, everything spread everywhere in the lab.

You knew he would notice if anything was taken, so you just browsed the different cabinets and lockers before you stopped at one that was locked.

It was a cabinet with a regular padlock to it, so you tried to look around to try and find something to open it with. You tried to shake it open, to no avail. Looking around, you realized how disorganized the lab was. Different cabinets and lockers open, tools in the wrong places, and even the ground was dirty, with little metal pieces around the floor.

The table he was working at was probably the messiest, though, with tools, papers and extra wires hanging around, with one singular rectangle box sitting in the middle. It almost reminded you of a miniature toolbox, like the ones they had on sale at a department store.

However, you stopped when you saw a very strange looking metal stick. It had a smooth backpiece that was tinted blue, and on the other side was just a bunch of little chips together. It almost looked like if you had stuck a motherboard onto a very long lego piece.

Suddenly, you stopped. You listened outside of the door, before you realized it: Footsteps. Realizing what you looked like, and really having no other reaction time, you shoved the weird rectangle into your leg pocket and flushed your shirt down to it so you could at least semi cover it.

Just after you turned around to try and make the lock look normal again, the door slammed open behind you.

You quickly turned around, to see him holding open the door, with a bandaged hand to his side. He probably wasn't expecting you, which explained his small shock.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, obviously a tiny suspicion in his voice.

"I wanted to know what you wanted to do for dinner. Y'know, because it's already 4?" You relaxed your shoulders as you tried to force every jitter and worry out of your voice as you spoke. Making him more suspicious and possibly angry was not gonna go good for you, even if it might be a little funny.

He fully walked into the room, and towards the center table. "Oh, well, that depends," he was still eyeing you, almost like you were going to strike him when he looked away, "what did you want to have?"

You shrugged. "I don't know. I was gonna ask you to see what you wanted." You walked to the opposite of his spot, hoping he wouldn't see the stick in your hand.

He reached and grabbed some safety goggles, before reaching for a welding like tool with one of his arms. "Well, I was thinking of just anything we really have. Did you want to make soup?"

"Sure, I think we have stuff for soup. I can go check, if you want me to."

"No, no, it's alright. Let me just finish this weld and I'll deal with it." He stepped back from the table, before motioning to you.

"Did you need anything else?" You shook your head, "No, but I'll be out in the main room."

You quickly shuffled out of the room, really hoping that he didn't hear or see the weird rectangle in your pocket. Now that you were thinking about it, you could've just thrown it towards the table. But, then it could've alerted the fact that something was going, it could've just went over the table when you threw it...

Realizing it would be pointless to think of the what-ifs, you walked down the hallway to your little makeshift room to change. You were also going to try and hide the stick, and hiding it in your pocket was not going to be an option.

After getting changed and looking around, you found that the safest place was probably the stuffing of one of your pillows. While impractical, it was the better out of the other ideas you had. You would look at it tomorrow, you decided. It didn't look very interesting, probably just some strange little stick.

---

The next day, when you checked it, you realized it was in fact, not some strange stick. It almost looked more like a key. The chips, now that you had a better look at them, were abundant and yet scattered in a particular pattern.

It was strange to see, and explain to yourself. How would it even work? But you decided to bring it with you today, because you were going to see if it opened to anything.

It was also the day that Otto had to bring the device to Martin Li.

Otto probably didn't want Li to find out where you were, so he had realized that having a meeting point where it was safe for the both of them nearby would be a good investment. He had apparently found some abandoned warehouse that was nearby a broken down part of the subway.

While it wasn't the best, it also wasn't the absolute worst that they could've gotten in the long run.

So, you were told to stay out of the lab and med bay, as he knew there were things you could use, and he locked them. You wondered if he thought about you needing a band aid or ibuprofen, but he was also only going to be gone for a short amount of time.

Which also meant you had little time to look around in areas you could be allowed into. You had only about 15 to 20 minutes before he came back, so you had made you sweep quick. 15 minutes later, and you still hadn't found anything.

You knew he would be back any minute, and tried to wonder what the damn little chip thing could do. It was supposed to be a big key, so why wasn't there some other big keyhole around? Why did he have this thing?

You were becoming much more frustrated walking around and seeing nothing you could use, so you took a tiny break to try and just think of where something like it could be. You sat on the couch, and held the key in your hand.

The doors, the cabinets, anything that was locked. But you really couldn't think of anything. Sighing, you heard something almost groan and then a bang. Since the doors to the outside were completely different than the ones in the main area, they were bigger, and it was almost like a doorbell for you, letting you know when you should be ready.

You shoved the key back into your pocket, this time making sure it wasn't going to be visible to him.

When he entered, you had turned on the TV and pretended to be watching the news.

You heard him walk around, before he finally revealed himself from the main hallway.

He walked over to his little coat rack he had near the kitchen entrance, and then walked into the hallway. He turned back to you and said, "I'm going to be in the lab for a while, there is dinner in the kitchen. If you need anything else...?"

You shook your head. "No, thank you though. I'll just be sitting out here."

He stopped, and turned to face you. "Also, I wanted to tell you something."

Oh no. You sobered up pretty quick, and paused the TV. "What is it?"

He chuckled, "Well, I've thought about it, and I think that you can have your own "child-proof" computer as you call it." You internally sighed in relief, before responding, "Oh, thank you for that."

Nodding, Otto turned around, while saying, "Remember, I'll be out in a few hours."

After you heard the lab door lock close, you visibly relaxed. Eventually the low hum of whatever machine he was using started and you realized that you would still have time to look around, only more quietly.

You decided to try one more time with the main door. It was the door that he really didn't want you going into as it was a door that lead out into (what you assumed) the outside. Obviously it wasn't the only door, it still had a bunch of different locks on it, but only 2 of them actually had a key hole.

Looking at them, there was no way that the chip had anything to do with them as it was too long and there wasn't any other place to put it in. It was almost the same with the other doors in the place.

You were just about the break the damn thing, when you saw something on the wall.

Right next to the key hole, there was an inconsistency in the paint. The lines didn't match up with each other.

You scratched at it, thinking it was some kind of painting error, when you felt it shift a bit. You tried again, and it shifted more.

Eventually you were shifting it side to side as you realized it wasn't a weird paint error, it was a secret little panel.

Pulling open the panel, you saw a few different portholes for different objects. There was even a headphone jack, which was strange. However, there was a big rectangular indent that was a little like the porthole.

You placed the chip so it would fit directly into it, and to your relief and happiness, it fit.

You heard something groan before the chip was ejected, and held by the porthole. The door had a loud clunk sound from the locks unlocking, and you stayed silent for a moment, worried that he might've heard you.

But there was nothing. The hum of his machines continued, and after half a minute of waiting for him to power something down, you realized that he couldn't hear you.

Which also probably meant he couldn't hear anything for the next few hours.

Wasting no time, you took the chip out, and opened the door, which lead down a long corridor, to another door. Again, you waited at the doorway, listening for him to come barging out of his lab, yelling at you, to drag you back inside, to lock you in your room.

But there was nothing. Nothing from anything or anyone.

And without even thinking, you ran.

-----

wow this sucks, better late then never tho

#yandere otto octavius platonic #yandere otto octavius x reader #yandere otto octavius #yandere doctor octopus imagine #yandere doctor octavious x reader #yandere doctor octopus platonic #yandere doctor octopus #yandere doctor octopus x reader #yandere marvel platonic #yandere marvel comics #yandere marvel imagine #yandere marvel x reader #yandere marvel #yandere doctor octavious platonic

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honeyhotteoks · 5 months

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Hello! This is a bit of a late response considering I read the 3 new chapters on the day you released them but I’ve been super busy and wanted to fully compliment them rather than respond in a rushed manner. I was actually on a college residential trip in Germany but dropped everything to read the new chapters, I was so excited and it did not disappoint! So here comes my stupidly long list of thoughts that no one asked for but I’m giving to you anyway because I am hyper fixated on this fanfic-

As a Hwa bias, chapter 10 was cruel, but in the best way possible. The way their alpha x alpha relationship is similar to that of wlw or mlm one in real life is so painful but such a smart metaphor. My situation is in fact very similar to his, being queer but financially dependant on my parents, so this definitely hit home. I hope the best for our Sanhwa but I love the subtle representation this dynamic is providing for us. The fact that neither of them let Wooyoung in on it because they want to protect him from the truth, are you trying to break my heart?! I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for them in future chapters. Mingi admitting fault is my favourite thing ever. I hate the trope of the main love interest being as close to perfection as one can be, Yungi having flaws humanises them so much and adds a whole lot of depth to their characters, making the story itself so much more interesting. But I’m also so happy that we are back into Yungi x Y/n fluffy era.

Chapter 11 was the prefect breath of air between 2 very angsty chapters. I literally love Wooyoungs character so much and getting to see him happy made me feel all giddy inside. Also love that Yeosang and Jongho are more included in this chapter. I hope we get to see Woosangs relationship develop more in future, they're such as cool side couple and deserve the best. The way Minseoks character slowly became more prevalent created great foreshadowing to the threat he would become, it’s paced so well and is such an enjoyable sense of anticipation.

And chapter 12. Oh chapter 12. Alike to chapter 10, I like the way that it represents trauma while being in a fictional and fantasy context. It gives the opportunity of being able to empathise with such an experience as it acts for a metaphor of traumatising experiences many of us have have in real life without directly describing it. And my god is it described well. I feel so much rage towards this fictional character, its not even funny. Once again Wooyo and Y/ns omega friendship that non of the others will ever be able to understand is so heart-warming and the way that Yungi and Woosanhwa put their differences aside when the person they love most was in danger. But also…wdym Hwa was sat with his head in his bloody hands?! I need to know! I didn’t even stop to think about the guys perspective because I was so invested in how Y/n perceived it but that teaser you dropped has made me so hungry for it. It’ll add weight to this climatic portion of the plot and so much depth to characters as were able to see how such an awful situation will influence their rational.

Once again Chai you have blown me away and allowed me to enjoy reading in a way I never believed I could. I’ll continue rereading these amazing chapters until the next update. Much love,

- 👻 anon

oh my goodness thank you SO much for this comment. i've read it a couple of times now, and i just really appreciate that chapter ten resonated with you. it took a while to figure out that dynamic with san and hwa, but i'm really happy with how it came together.

i hope you also enjoy the chapter 12 from the boys perspective release.... your comment on seonghwa's bloodied hands..... all is revealed and i really hope you enjoy that too!!

thank you as always!

#answered anon #👻 anon #tnt ask

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cloudninetonine · 1 year

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*walks on tiredly with hair looking like Wild's after a tumble through bushes possessed by the fae because he accidentally proposed to Player, hands you a cup of tea and honey cookies, leaves without elaborating* Hey there, just passing by for now, may existence be treating you better than it is treating me.

Abyss's/Villain First's/First's and Hylia's kinda but not really break up song, also know as Una having enough of Hylia's bs in my Ancient Au after Fia/Seraph lost his arm and Dia/Ganon got corrupted and going off:

https://youtu.be/L8oYplzqdAs

I don't know why but the vibes feel right specially when you look at the story, the female singer is Athena and the male singer is Odysseus from Greek Myth on the Epic Musical by the way. Also, do you have any idea what happened with First in the Villain/Mess Au? Like is the man still trapped or did Hylia straight up obliterate him to try and keep the Chain from getting ideas (which straight up did not work because Abyss is a thing). Also for context: in my Ancient Au, Una/Zelda is straight up a Hylia slanderer, girl is so feral she'd throw hands with her and probably win with Fia/Seraph cheering in the background, specially after what happened with Flora and the entire mess with Player, I can see her also helping Fia/Seraph with the Hero's Shade deal, except instead of giving Player the means to shank Dink she teaches then the best way to suplex and throw hands with him hand to hand (Can you imagine Player straight up sucker punching him in the face and taking his kneecap rights while the Chain tries to pry them off? Fia is straight up howling with laughter and Una has the most smug, vicious smile any Zelda has ever worn), that and she'd probably teach Player how to set up traps midbattle, like Dink is midway through speech or something, closing in on a Link but ends up stepping in a net filled with barbed wire or something and trips on his face, the possibilities are endless, but I'll be back on my Fia/Seraph and Lora headcanon thing on another ask. Also her and Player straight up dragging Hylia through the coals in late night discussions during a break in Fia/Seraph's impromptu bootcamp of Player while Wind, who can most likely see ghosts is just bewildered. That or he joins in. The man himself is just trying not to die again as they get more and more vicious by the second.

Also I heard Fae instincts for Fairytale and my sleep deprived brain immediately latched on due to my latent hyper fixation with Irish myths, so I'll raise y'all this:

-Any Hyrule with a Player who's a Changeling, aka a shapeshifter Fae who has it really rough because they were abandoned by their own kin, most of them being killed via burning or drowning while young and bringing misfortune to those who hurt them in return (like someone puts Hyrule near contact with holly wood, which hurts the fae, and then immediately falls into manure the very next day, or someone speaks ill of Villain Rulie or of his missing wings and then the very next second after Player sends them a dirty look they straight up break their legs, no one knows how it happened but at least someone is side eyeing Player), also, missing/wounded wing solidarity with Villain Hyrule and anyone reacting with mild horror once they notice that Player's own wings are permanently wounded (maybe someone poured molten steel on them, so not only does it burn on a regular basis but they're just straight up permanently welded to their back) or maybe burn scars from where someone tried burning them alive, and a way too used to it Player just shrugs and goes "Humans don't like cursed children" without elaborating. Like they've just been in so much pain it doesn't bother them anymore? I don't know, just a thought, could be interesting.

-Fairies like the sound of bells although they really, really dislike the sound of iron bells (that's why a good chunk of the bells in old Ireland are made of iron, it's to keep the Fae away like how gold scares away Dullahan for a time), so I can see Hyrule getting immediately distracted or calmer around Player if he's uneasy if they have silver or gold bells on their person or, maybe having a bad feeling he could slip up and want their blood or before they get isekaid to another Chain, he gives them a steel chain (since depending on the myth it hurts fairies) filled with iron bells and tells them that, if they ever feel in danger from the Fae to ring it like their life depends on it and use the Chain as a garrote as a last resort, I doubt Player would use it with our Hyrule (heck I can straight up see then wrapping it in cloth so it doesn't ring at all near him, and sabotaging any nearby iron bells they can for good measure), but I also can imagine Yandere Hyrule or Villain Hyrule just straight up shrieking, with ears bleeding and falling down to the ground with the most inhuman sound of pain to ever come from their throat as Player uses the opportunity to run away.

Also the main reason I don't think Four is the original Hero of Men, in spite of Jojo's Lore, is because of the way he reacts to Twili magic, he recognizes it as dark magic (due to his intense trauma with it) but he doesn't recognize it as Twili magic (which is very specific and I feel like the Hero of Men would recognize, because in the opening cutscene of Minish Cap and Hyrule Encyclopedia it shows the hero of men sealed the monsters away with the original Minish Blade, and that around the same time period between Skyward Sword and Minish Cap the Twili/Interlopers were sealed away in the Twili Realm), which I feel he would after dealing with them, plus Four has and forged the Four Sword in Minish Cap, he doesn't have the original Minish Blade and it's established that the Hero of Men didn't have Fi, hence, they can't be the same but much like how Lora is an inflection point for Legend and Hyrule from my point of view The Hero of Men is an inflection point between Sky and Four.

My main headcanon is that he's even more feral than Four in account of living through what was basically a war, extremely snarky, and also has several mixed feelings towards Sky but would be super proud of Four, like him and Fia straight up almost get into fist fights about who has the best descendant (which Lora, ever unhelpful because even as a shy boy he's still a Link and a bard, so obviously he's a little shit, tells them they're both being ridiculous and to stop fighting because clearly Hyrule is the superior descendant, their battles are almost as legendary as Twilight and Fia fighting over Wild's and Calamity's custody). Also Players gets another ghost following them around and, rather than accidentally scare them like how Fia probably did between you know, appearing and the murder fae horse although he redeems himself by giving them a wolf, he just straight up messes with them for the giggles for a bit before Fia straight up smacks him over the head so he'll quit with the shenanigans).

And that's all I have for now, though I'll come back with some excerpts and Ancient au/Lora headcanons later on after my headache passes, I apologize in advance for the full on rant I'll go over my sleep deprived thoughts on possible Link/Zeldasonas because the Ancient era lives in my head rent free due to TOTK, you have been warned.

-Just a Tired Summertime Musician.

HI SUM GOOD TO HERE FROM YOU

Ngl when you mention breakup song all I could think about was Taylor Swift and I was expecting a Swiftie song Idk why

As for Prime (Villain! First) Hylia neither trap him or obliterate him- bro was straight up brainwashed, she used her opportunity when he was broken within his prison to take that shell of a man and mold her hero. Bro is neither thriving nor flourishing he is straight up in a constant state of inner suffer, stuck in mania.

Una and Player deserve to body Hylia, them both just sit over her unconscious body and share some cakes and tea and just go on about how much better they are then here- after all they didn't leave a devoted man to die nor get him trapped in prison for years.

I'm loving the idea of iron bells! Maybe a possibly way for Player to originally get away from the Vils? I dont know but I do likenit!

Listen, all Know about Jojo's Four is that his timeline confuses the fuck outta me JFNQNNSNS

Can't wait for more Lora stuff from you, Sum!

#cloud answers

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ihatemyselfbutidolovetea · 29 days

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3/27/2024

I'm feeling better. There are a few stressors in my life right now but they just have to do with school which is fine. I have a few thoughts right now that I want to write down.

I worked out at the gym today. As I left the building I noticed a card in the parking lot. I picked it up and saw it was maybe an invitation to a funeral. I saw who died, just some middle-aged man. He died this year, 2024 and I could only think to myself, Jesus it's already 2024???? What the fuck happened. How much time is just going by really scares me. I felt bad about leaving the card on the ground so I propped it up against the trunk of a crabapple tree that was beginning to blossom.

I'm feeling a bit conflicted on the Teacup issue... She's been socially withdrawing from her main social circle, and instead of maintaing her connections, it seems she scrolls on Twitter, and bed-rots, as she and Schmudd described it. She just seems to... react to what's relevent to her world. That's a very human trait. But what's not normal is not acknowledging the wider space she's creating with her friends. This is pretty much a telltale sign of depression. Women are also good at avoiding painful situations. She might feel guilty for leaving her friends in the dark, but if she explains what's going there's a risk of shedding light on something with her. I'm not saying she's a narcissist, but unhealthy people tend to go into an unhealthy spiral because the healing process is painful.

I've always looked up to Teacup for being an honest and outspoken person. However, she seems to be outspoken to a fault She'll say edgy things, post her hyper fixations regardless of what other people think but she draws a line with personal problems, anything that could possibly make people close to her worry about her. I've listened to her speak on her trauma and how fucked up her childhood was, and she'd always frame it in a lighthearted comedic light. Most people do that, no one wants to give power to their traumatic past so we laugh at it. But this insistence of convincing her peers that she's fine and not to bring serious attention to her problems. I can see this in her relationship with Schmudd since they've been friends for so long. I think there are other factors to why she's not communicating with specifically him, but *A* reason could be that they have a very powerful and emotional connection so he has the ability to put her in a painful and uncomfortable position.

However, I could be wrong. All I have to go off of is theories. There is a painful conversation she's avoiding but that avoidance might have multiple driving factors. Schmudd has an intense personality. It's not just him being edgier than a /pol/ user, he has a novel on everything especially when it comes to stuff he is closed-minded about. Most people like it when their peers say yes to most things. Schmudd is a compulsive purist too. If you're doing something irresponsible then he will not like you. Teacup maybe feels guilty around him, not accepted. He said mourning over the CN building was stupid, maybe she thinks "well, if he thinks what I like is dumb then he's not going to care about my life." Personally, I don't care about what he says, I maintain a friendship with him wherever I can. I felt like a piece of shit when I confessed to him about my past with drinking, but we're past that now. She might feel guilty over wasting his time with the roommate talk, she could be aware that she was more involved in his life when she could live with a responsible guy. But after finding new roommates now there's not much conversation other than feeling bad over how the situation played out. Why doesn't she have a heart-to-heart with him about it? Well there's an admittance of fucking up in the first place. Not just with Schmudd but other aspects. Women tend to make bad choices but want to find some way of coping into feeling like they weren't bad choices. Perhaps saying some rather unkind things to Schmudd could be the result of that. Teacup might not be satisfied with her living situation. It seems like she didn't pick the best of roommates to bunk with. It was clear from day one to attempt to work with SNAFU, she wanted to move out asap, didn't want to wait for Schmudd when the opportunity arose, and might be regretting the decision. But that would mean admitting she made a bad choice, that she should have bunked with Schmudd, and now she can't and might have to spend money on living somewhere else. I hope this isn't a reason but; I've ruined her friendship with Schmudd. I think I would be hurt if my close friend of five years and I were cool up until this random person just walks in and my friend starts talking to them for hours and hours and have this deep meaningful connections after only talking for 8 months. Perhaps she liked Schmudd for all these values he brings to the relationship but maybe on some level she thought he needed her more than she needed him. Admitting to needing someone is one thing. But it's different when you've believed that someone needs you and then this other person becomes your friend's favorite person and you think "shit... I guess my friend doesn't need me anymore..." I really hope this isn't the case. Once again all these are theories, they could all be right or wrong. But I do believe there's an issue with depression and opening up herself to be vulnerable in her relationships, why it's happening, I don't know, and I might not ever know.

It is disappointing, I will admit. I idolized this woman for being confident and blunt with her opinions. I saw Schmudd praising her for this confidence and not caring what other people thought. "If you have something to say then say it." is what she said. It inspired me to be more honest with the people in my life and embrace myself no matter how much I hate myself. I wanted to have a connection like Teacup and Schmudd's. It makes me want to cry when there's a failure to connect. When I got the chance I didn't just want to have a connection with Schmudd I wanted to have a meaningful connection with my art senpai as well. I still want to try... I don't know how successful I'm going to be. The fact that she might ignore my attempt at a connection does scare me. However, I want to try because I believe we have the potential to connect, I've felt it since high school. Or maybe I'm crazy. Nonetheless I want to understand her.

Besides that Schmudd is still very important to me. It really bothers me when he's used, people sever their connections with him, or don't see him. He's been such a good friend with me that I just don't understand why people are cruel to him. Schmudd is not a perfect person, obviously. But the amount of cruelty he's suffered at the hands of other people is sickening. He deserves better. People have done bad, maybe some people have fucked up irreversibly. Even so, everyone deserves at least one person in their corner to support them at their lowest, be it a friend, a partner, a family member, whoever to tell this person "I love you, we'll get through this together." When he's been deprived of such things it makes me go "well no wonder he's put up his walls and doesn't see anyone as human and wants to go live in the woods." I'd be the same if that happened to me. While he can be venomous and almost take pride in being mean, I've seen him be a kind person. He consistently takes the reigns and does what he can to make people feel comfortable. When his objective is make this group experience go as smoothly as possible by being entertaining and charming, he'll do it. I think that's so admirable. Behind those walls is a kind person who wants love and acceptance from others. But all these traumatic experiences have cut off this need. The more he needs it, the more hurt he will feel when he doesn't get it. He looks to me, sees that I have needs so ignores his own to make sure I'm happy with him. And he makes me happy. He wants to support my dream however he can. Despite how good our companionship is, he will want to retreat into the walls, when my all my dreams have come true I will look to him and say "I am content, I no longer need you." And he will sigh a breath of stoic defeat and he will say "I hope you got everything you needed out of me." And then he will walk away, disappear from everyone's consciousness, never to be seen again. I never want to be that person. I never want to see him as a means to an end. I can never imagine walking away from him. So it baffles me why other people would cut him off.

Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood eveyone leaving me is inevitable. Sometimes I wish I could become only my content. That's all everyone will think of when they hear my name. "All I need Sophie to do is draw her comics and nothing else." Relationships are hard. People's needs are draining. It almost feels like people need the moon and the stars from me. But I love the people in my life too much to let them down. If they do leave me, at least no one could say I didn't try.

#diary #me #personal

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paperphobe · 6 months

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Vent post I suppose

Cw: medical talk, medical trauma, general pain and annoying symptoms, food/eating and weight loss. Basically if reading anything health/medical is triggering to you maybe don’t read this. Vent post not to anyone specific but more because I just need to put it out there because I can’t move on until it’s spoken into the universe (adhders get me 😵‍💫) and no one really follows this account. I’ve had a TON of medical issues that have had me in the hospital and in BRUTAL pain and on so many medications and it came very suddenly at the start of September and it’s pretty much faded away pain wise but I had to spend a lot of time in the hospital and get some surgical procedures done. I experienced some traumatic things during all of that and though it’s definitely effected me it’s not my biggest issue as I have a great new therapist to chat with about that. Right now I’m clear and healthy on all tests and I’m not in pain anymore but I’ve been experiencing some symptoms that started during the issue, and haven’t gone away. It’s taken a toll mentally and physically on me and even effected my schoolwork. I’ve seen a bunch of doctors and my surgeon and professionals and they have no idea why this could possibly still be happening to me and there isn’t an inherent link to my condition and the symptoms that I still have (they were more explainable when I was in hospital and recovering from surgery). I’m also mildly concerned that they might be a symptom of something else but I’ve managed to push that thought out of my mind. Not sure if anyone has dealt with this (lasting pain and issues) before, I’ve had chronic pain in joints and long term health stuff but never something that’s effected me like this. If you have dealt with something like this any advice on how to just cope with the huge change from who I was before this and who I am now, and also the fact I just feel like shit? Before I was playing rugby or soccer every day, eating large meals, doing well in school and socially, I was super happy and sleeping well and being productive. Now I’m exhausted all the time, nothing makes me happy (I feel very numb), I’m always bored and don’t enjoy anything I used too (or anything besides doing my word puzzles), I can’t manage basic levels of physical activity, I have no appetite and eating feels like a horrible chore, I’ve dropped 20+lbs even when I eat what should be enough, my mouth is so dry and nothing helps, non stop migraines, I can’t sleep more than two hours most nights so I end up getting so tired I pass out and sleep for over 15, my vision has gotten worse to a point my glasses don’t help and it hurts to try and look at things, hands, feet, eyes, scalp and nose are always dry and itchy, I’m perpetually nauseous, I’m irritable and sad and a lot more prone to meltdowns, I’ve had way more nerve pain than I usually do and I’m peeing annoyingly frequently (which aligned with some of my medical issues and has lessened a lot but is still just annoying asf)

I laughed so hard I cried for the first time since the start of this at a stupid joke one of my classmates made and I realized I hadn’t really laughed in months, and I’m a person who laughs at everything. I’ve been drifting from some friends recently for unrelated reasons, including my best friend of three years, and I can’t even bring myself to care because I just feel this non stop numbness in my brain and my emotions and it sucks so much. I’ve seen one episode of CM since September (tho the hyper-fixation has not gone away thank god) because I put it on and I realize that like everything else, I can’t even enjoy this. Anyways if anyone actually read this I hope you had a good time reading about how miserable I am and all my random medical issues including how frequently I pee! 🤩 I hope you feel enlightened.

#somewhat of a vent #kinda shitpost #not at all criminal minds related #I do mention it once tho #I hope no one thinks this is important or interesting and reads though the entire thing #If you did that I’m so sorry

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twenytwenytwo · 1 year

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Dec 21 2022 (7:00am)

Last night I talked about commitment, conclusiveness, etc, and how making commitments can free up your mind from anxious paralysis.

I remember last year when my mind was in a rough place, and I was feeling some feelings of unreality. Some months into it all, I found out from my dad that my Grandpa and Uncle over there had died. Obviously, I was sad. But, I remember it being somewhat refreshing feeling low about something tangible, something real.

Making a commitment, comes with sacrifice, which is usually accompanied by some magnitude of pain. When things are uncertain, in a state of limbo, (perhaps from a lack of commitment) it’s possible that it encourages feelings of unreality. This is because you can’t confidently say what your circumstance is. You don’t know what to think, or how to act, or how to feel. You don’t know what’s good.

Making a commitment, and accepting the consequences, the weight of it, makes you feel real because it activates the pre-intellectual systems that make you feel real, or feel certainty, conclusiveness.

Asking “what is real?” from an intellectual perspective is simply asking what other nouns fit the criteria of “real”. When somebody is really overwhelmed, fixated by the question it stems from first feeling uncertainty.

I’d argue that nobody has been consumed and perplexed by the question “What is real?” without feeling it, feeling the gross uncertainty, maddening inconclusiveness, impossibility of the answer. Somehow, such a feebly formulated question has the power to grip you by your balls and make your soul scream in existential agony; a phenomenological claustrophobia; a hell of shooting, painful thoughts.

If somehow these journals reach another soul, and you are experiencing this existential crisis, and are driven somewhat insane by the question “What is real?”, I will give you the solution now.

Understand that there are rules to your experience, whether you currently can believe that is logically sound or not. That is certain. There are rules. Within these rules is the solution to your craziness, because your feelings were brought about by systems that abide by these rules, even if you don’t believe in them or like them…

… you will never answer the question “What is real?” because it is 1) partially broken, and 2) you secretly do not want to answer it. You have unconsciously committed to a rebellion against a world that has left you empty and cold, a rebellion that requires you rip it apart in the least public and physically dangerous way possible: in your mind, privately. You do it this way because have already committed to be a good person; to protect your social linkage to the community around you. This urge, this feeling is as innate and non-negotiable to you as the feeling of uncertainty that props up your existential crisis. This commitment is the basis of being a good person, a title given to you by the mass of others surrounding you. The external validation is a symbol, an activator of an invisible part of your psyche, a part that builds worlds.

Through your destruction of a world that has left you hungry and cold, you gather the raw, unrefined building materials for your new civilization. Your new sense of existence. Your new life.

… I said I would give you the solution. Here it is concisely. Respect what you are. You are a human experiencing a hyper-intellectualized feeling of uncertainty, or more refined, lack of safety. Who you are also plays a role.

If you’re young, your personality, despite it being in it’s most developed state so far, it has yet to refine itself. Your psyche has lots of little bits, twigs that stick out and get hooked on the world as you travel through life. As these catch and tug you around, they’ll snap off, one by one, and it will hurt. As the years go by, you won’t have so many hooky twigs.

Cultivate certainty. Make commitments. Even if it’s a commitment to explore.

… to be continued

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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I am once more begging people, BEGGING, to at least READ Batman #416 if you’re going to cite every moment of Dick meeting Jason and then blowing up at Bruce, except in a totally ‘that’s not at all how it happened’ kinda way.

If I have to read ONE MORE sizzling hot take about how Dick blew up at Bruce and stormed off at the end of that encounter, when THIS is how it ACTUALLY ended....

Ah yes, the famous Dick Grayson temper, better described as ‘someone else loses their shit at Dick and fandom twists it into the exact opposite so he’s actually the bad guy all along.’

Was Dick heated before that point? Yup. Did he have reason to be? Also yup. Did Bruce, however, have reason to be heated that Dick had the gall to be coming back to his childhood home to confront him about the fact that after eighteen months of not speaking, when Bruce is the one who CHOSE to not even say goodbye to Dick or make any effort to still make a place for Dick in his life after firing him, with the only possible indication in all that time through which Dick was expected to come up with even an INKLING that Bruce missed him was discovering from reading the paper that Bruce had given his old mantle to a new, even younger partner? Its gonna be a big fat NOPE from me, guys.

There’s an exchange between them a few pages before this that always resonated with me....

Bruce: The truth is, I taught you everything I could. It was time for you to step out on your own.

Dick: So you figured the best thing for you to do was drive me out of your life, right? That’s exactly what you do to anyone who gets too close. Always hurt them before they have a chance to hurt you. It didn’t matter to you that I didn’t have any life other than the one we shared.

Like, I can not express any more clearly why it drives me so B-A-N-A-N-A-S to see people spin this so that it was Bruce that was somehow the victim of his son’s tempestuous, nomadic ways. Like he was somehow left behind, that Dick outgrew him or moved on, and everything Dick felt about Robin after the fact was him throwing spoiled temper tantrums that someone dared pick up something he no longer wanted. Umm. No times infinity and beyond.

Bruce was the one with all the power. Bruce was the one making all the choices. All Dick had, at most, was the choice to either stay somewhere Bruce seemed intent on driving him away from, or go somewhere else. This issue clearly expressed that like. Bruce wasn’t open to talking. Not when he fired Dick as Robin, there was no negotiating that, and even throughout this whole encounter here, where Dick comes here and says “I think you owe me some explanations” because based on everything Bruce was doing and how radically opposed those actions are to the last interactions he and Bruce had, which had a HUGE impact on Dick’s life, yes, he WAS owed explanations here, make no mistake....even here, Bruce spends the whole encounter acting like he’s being unfairly interrogated, like its trying his patience to even have to deal with Dick being there at all....

Phones work two ways, Bruce. There’s two people in this dynamic. If you haven’t heard from Dick in eighteen months, its equally true that he hasn’t heard from you in eighteen months. And if you missed him so damn much, you know what was always a perfectly valid way to express that, which DIDN’T involve anyone else? Picking up the damn phone and calling Dick and telling him that.

Bruce acts like that was never even an option, like HE was the one stuck with limited choices based on Dick’s behavior throughout all this time, and that’s just flat out, unconditionally, one hundred percent, NOT TRUE. Bruce was the one in charge. The one calling the shots. The one with the resources, the power, the authority. Dick was ALWAYS the one who had more to lose, of the two of them.

And Bruce knew all this when he took Dick in. He knew all this when he took Robin away from Dick while the latter was still a teenager, still living at home. And he was the one who failed to even so much as OFFER Dick an alternative take on how he could still be there, still be in Bruce’s life, part of his family, still share in being part of his life, the life the two of them had shared, now that Bruce had made the choice that Dick no longer had the option of living out his part of that life in the manner they’d BOTH built up for him originally.

And yet for so many years, fandom has added insult to injury by acting like the cherry on top here, Bruce giving away the very mantle he took from Dick, like this was somehow completely reasonable because in comparison, Dick is the one being unreasonable. People completely gloss over that little act of Bruce’s to focus instead on how Dick reacted, instead of giving that betrayal of trust its own fair due and focus, and the problem is....they don’t even actually focus on how Dick actually acted! Again, notice it was Dick who approached Bruce, and Bruce who told Dick to leave. It was Dick who had actual cause to be angry, but Bruce who blew up and broke shit because Dick dared demand answers.

And this is the way Dick leaves things with Jason, btw. I know people know this part by now, mostly at least, about the phone number and such, but how many people have actually SEEN how that played out rather than just heard it summarized in a dry recitation of events that underplays just how that interaction went?

Like, that wasn’t just Dick acting like this was being FORCED upon him and bleeding reluctance at every turn. He went above and fucking beyond to make Jason feel welcomed and secure in his position as Robin. But that’s not how the narrative goes in fandom, is it? Even when acknowledging this part, people act like Dick was at most doing the bare minimum, instead of acknowledging that Dick didn’t owe anyone this at all. No, it wasn’t Jason’s fault he became Robin, but NONE of this was Dick’s fault, Dick’s choice, or Dick’s RESPONSIBILITY. He wasn’t living at home, in Bruce’s life, and he wasn’t adopted yet let alone even still Bruce’s ward at this point. He’d aged out at eighteen. Dick had NO actual ties to Bruce and by extension Jason at this particular moment in time, and thus no ACTUAL obligations to either of them, no matter how much fandom harps on him having failed Jason as a brother back during this time when more accurately, Bruce was actively failing Dick as a father - as in not even being one, but Dick’s responsibilities towards a family he didn’t have at the moment are supposed to be still intact? NOPE. Don’t think so.

But Dick, INSTEAD, puts Jason FIRST, puts him OVER his obviously hurt and bitter feelings to focus on what’s best for Jason here, and gives him literally everything he CAN to do right by Jason here. He gives Jason his own old costume and clear approval, cementing Jason’s place as Robin in a way not even Bruce could when giving it to Jason, because it was never Bruce’s to actually pass on. Jason even wonders earlier in the issue if Dick might want his old role back, and Dick puts that fear to rest, without any hesitation or doubt.

In addition, Dick offers up support and solidarity he doesn’t owe Jason, doesn’t owe anyone, because its HIS time, HIS support, its not something someone can take for granted and yet too many people do....especially considering that in the hyper-fixation on how much support and time Dick supposedly DIDN’T offer or grant Jason, most people pay next to no attention to the fact that it wasn’t like Dick was being given time or support by Bruce, ie Dick is going out of his way to offer stuff he’s not even getting himself, because he RECOGNIZES from that what its like not to have it. Basically what I mean is all that talk about Dick being a hypocrite for doing to others what he complains about Bruce not doing for him? Patently untrue, as we see here, because this is Dick actively acting upon what he’s missing out on by making sure that others don’t miss out on it because of Bruce’s failings or emotional repression.

And look at the end result.....Jason’s enjoying his teamup with Dick, these aren’t two people who look pained at being forced into proximity or acting like the other is a burden to be around or thinking the other doesn’t really want to be here. They were comfortable from practically the word go, because Dick knows how to make people uncomfortable but he also knows how to make people comfortable, and he made the CHOICE, the INTENT to make sure he was someone Jason felt WANTED to be there with him, the complete opposite of someone who is taking out their bitterness or resentment on their replacement or at least not trying to hide it very well.

So my question is.....what the hell else is it people wanted Dick to do? When they cite this issue specifically, at least, when they talk about the time Dick went to Gotham to confront Bruce about Robin, when they talk about the phone number or the costume or the teamup or the things that so often get mentioned in passing like they’re insignificant or the bare minimum or mere formalities that do nothing to take away from all the supposed OTHER asshole behavior that Dick allegedly heaped on Jason despite never actually happening anywhere, even a little bit, and thus that some people claim is just an extrapolation of how Dick PROBABLY acted off the page, given his clear resentment and jealousy....umm. Huh? Based off THIS? Seriously, I mean it. What ELSE was Dick supposed to have done, to counter that take, what else could he POSSIBLY have done to do right by Jason here, that he didn’t actually already do? What exactly did people want from this character, in order to not hold this eternal grudge they have against him for what a big old jerk he was to Jason, who did nothing to deserve it - with that part being true at least, and literally WHY Dick made the point to recognize that and not take out his feelings on Jason?

Like, this will never not be an axe for me to grind because like. The SPIN fandom always gives all this, when look at the last page of this issue......Bruce is watching from a distance, and even he’s like thanks Dick, and that honestly bugs me so much. Because in the end, the only one of these three characters who DIDN’T get what he wanted here, was Dick. Jason got the validation and security as Robin he was looking for, the approval of his predecessor, and words of advice and an offer to listen and be there should he ever want to talk. Bruce got Dick’s validation of the actions Bruce took that he had no right to take when giving his old mantle to Jason, but that Dick ratified all the same, even if it was for Jason’s sake and not Bruce’s. Bruce still got the closure on that particular mistake of his, with the evidence that Dick was willing to see past it for Jason’s sake rather than drag it out....like. Dick is the only one who didn’t get what he was looking for there, he didn’t even get an apology from Bruce for overstepping when he passed on Dick’s mantle, an acknowledgment that this was WRONG, the most Dick got was Bruce admitting for a single panel that he missed him.....before telling Dick to leave and get out and effectively taking back anything Dick could have possibly taken away from that admittance. Because what the fuck does it matter if someone misses you if even though they finally have you right there in front of them, they still tell you to leave again anyway?

In conclusion, I hate this issue, lol, because everybody seems to know what’s in it and yet practically nobody ever seems interested in referencing what’s ACTUALLY in it. Instead just forever playing telephone with the most bad faith interpretation of Dick’s actions possible.

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fleursdemeduse · 3 years

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Remembrance AU: Constant Dying

This is not going in the direction that was originally planned, but I'm not sure I'm too upset by it. I'm glad to finally post a part that goes a bit further into Techno's feelings about you this time, though. I'm also starting to work on an angsty Simpbur fic alongside this one, so keep an eye out for that.

Warnings: Mention of death ; Near-death

Words: 3.6k

Your legs throbbed as you trudged through the multiple paths to where you and Techno had been mining. Your neck wasn’t fairing much better. There was always residual pain after a death, especially when you were killed by your own stupidity and not mobs or someone else. You were more than happy to take hits for your friend, often shielding his body with your much smaller one to protect him, but natural deaths were pointless to you. Not to mention that dying this many times in such a short period made an ache develop on the right side of your brain and you knew you wouldn’t be able to be rid of it for hours. You finished descending carved stairs to where you believed you had been and let out a sigh at the effort. Your chest filled with a dull ache at the action. A firework to the chest was certainly a quick way to die. It was far from the most painful as long as it got the job done in one or two shots and the ache would only last another hour or two if you would stop dying.

You thought back on how the events from earlier in the day had transpired. The entire thing had been a shit show and you loathed the next time you’d speak to Wilbur, knowing you were likely going to just yell at him. You weren’t in a great mood because of his little stunt. At least you knew why Techno had killed you and several others on the server. There was no reason for him to sit back and watch Tubbo be executed by your dearest friend. You could only hope that the boys new scars weren’t too bad. He’d have to display them for the rest of this lifetime, after all. Maybe he’d think they were cool like Tommy did.

You slowly unclenched your jaw and relaxed your shoulders, smiling a little at the thought of blond that you spent the other half of your days doting on. He was like the little brother you had always imagined wanting. Mumza had filled your prayers in some fashion, you supposed. A small chuckle spilled from your lips, deciding you’d make Technoblade pay you back somehow for your deaths today. You were up to three now.

A smile curled your lips as you thought of the possibilities. Maybe you’d steal his crown for a little bit. Or his cloak. You giggled to yourself as you crossed the lava pit that you were going to use later for obsidian. Mining in caves this deep was difficult enough without mobs so the lava was a good way to make sure none spawned nearby. Perhaps you could get away with all of the above with the addition of forcing him to make you a cup of tea. That would certainly be fair, wouldn’t it? You were sure if you convinced chat, you’d be able to make him do it.

The ore had been mostly cleared out, all that remained were long tunnels deep underground spanning for what felt like forever. It took you a good chunk of time, but finally you approached him from behind. He had continued mining, cobblestone covering the hole that you had fallen down and ultimately died upon impact in. “You grabbed my stuff, right?”

He pointed to the chest that had been set up, not stopping his assault on a piece of diorite. You flipped open the lid, pulling out several stone pickaxes he had managed to pick up. You didn’t suppose he had kept most of the stone, leaving it in the cave, but the ores, redstone, and lapis you had gathered sat untouched in the chest. “I don’t understand why you continue to use those. They’re flimsy.”

You shrugged before joining his side again, mining away the soft rock. “Because I can keep a large stock of them and don’t have to waste the durability of my diamond one.” You stopped paying attention to the coal you mined at above you as you looked towards him. “Besides, they’re expendable and I don’t have to worry about retrieving them every time I-”

Gravel began to fall on and around you in heavy chunks, obscuring your vision. You were startled for a moment at the sudden assault and you cursed your horrible luck. Of course the moment you were back and trying to resume your task, you’d almost die again. You recovered quickly, feeling the pressure around you as you were crushed and tried to dig your way out of the pile, but more seemed to just fall and replace the gravel you had just removed. It was suffocating. Rocks grated against your skin and you cringed at the sound of them rubbing against each other. You tried to claw your way through, fingers getting scraped as small pebbles cut the flesh. You were running out of air. You hated dying like this.

A hand grasped your bicep and you grunted as you were yanked out of the rubble. Rocks and flint shifted around you as it gave way and filled in the spot where you had just been. A broad chest cushioned you as you stumbled forward. You sucked in air as you rested your forehead against him. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone screw something up that fast before."

Your laugh was more of a wheeze as you smacked your hand against him, next to where your head rested. You didn’t move, however. Techno chuckled as he pat your back. He’d let you have your moment to calm yourself back down. He wasn’t particularly scared of you dying again, but he knew it had to have sucked. You had been taking the brunt of damage meant for him since, well, every time the two of you spent time together, and he didn’t understand why you were so eager to do it. On top of your clumsiness that already resulted in countless other deaths he didn’t know about, you died for him often when it would have probably only resulted in a minor wound for him. You were so reckless. But that smile you gave him every time somehow dissipated his annoyance more than it should have. It was familiar somehow. The voices loved it more than they should have. They loved you more than they should have.

You didn’t care who he was, how he was, what he did, if he could do something for you. You cared about him. Whenever he was giving too much to the rebellion, whenever he was hyper fixated on tasks and was trapped in his own brain with only chat as company, you were always there. They didn’t mind receding to the back of his head while you two talked, adding in small quips here and there. The loud roar they normally were was typically a small rumble when you were talking. It put him on edge with how much they liked you, but he couldn’t blame them. You provided conversation more often than not. You offered simpler solutions to long problems in his head he’d been breaking apart over and over until it had spiraled into a bigger one than it had started out at. But besides that, you also forced him to sleep, to remember to drink water, to take time for himself. To care about himself the way you did. He didn’t know how to repay you for the unending kindness you showed him. Especially when all you asked for was his friendship in return.

He felt you sigh against him and he moved his arm to free you. You were looking up at him, though, not stepping away.

"Are you alright?" His lips twitched. Shouldn’t he be asking you that?

"Yeah, why?"

"You look mad." A snort escaped him. You couldn’t even see his expression past the mask.

"That's just my face.” You didn’t look convinced. He ran his fingers through your hair, knocking some debris loose. It fell to the floor at your feet. He ignored the way you leaned into his touch. “I’m alright, [y/n].”

You smiled at him. You smiled that cursed smile. It made him feel worthy of the title god; so full of reverence and kindness. You had to have been blessed by Kristin herself. How could you still look upon him like that after what had happened at the festival? How could you show such adoration for a-

“Stop lookin’ at me like that.” He turned his head away. He didn’t feel like he deserved to be the recipient of that smile made from sheer adoration. Your eyebrows furrowed and your smile wavered.

“Looking at you like what?”

“Like how Wilbur looks at you.” Your laugh rang through the tunnels. It echoed off the walls and he couldn’t help the swell of something in his chest. For a moment, you reminded him of Phil.

“Why is it a bad thing if I look at you like he does to me? He’s a really dear friend.” Oh dear.

“Don’t tell him that.” The idea of you only seeing him as a friend would break his heart floated unspoken in the air. You didn’t seem to notice it.

“Why not?”

“Just don’t.” Techno stepped back from you when it was obvious you weren’t going to do it yourself. He watched you deflate slightly and felt like he had done something wrong.

“It’s not like he wants to talk to me now anyways.” You picked up your pickaxe again, moving to work on the pile of gravel. He offered you his shovel and you took it. “He hasn’t said a word to me since the festival earlier.”

“I’m honestly surprised you’re still talkin’ to either of us after that debacle.” You paused your digging to look at him curiously. “After me bein’ peer pressured into killin’ Tubbo and everyone else. Killin’ you. His plan to do nothin’ ‘bout it. It’s surprisin’ that you aren’t givin’ us both the silent treatment.”

You scoffed, going back to the gravel in front of you. “That wasn’t his plan.”

Techno stilled, his eyebrows furrowing. “What?”

“Wilbur wasn’t planning on just doing nothing. He has TNT planted all around Manburg.” You hesitated, the grip on his shovel tightening in your trembling hands as you continued digging. “I don’t know why he didn’t set it off.”

There was no sound next to you or behind you. Stopping your work, you looked at him, only to see him looking towards where the mouth of the cave was. “We should be gettin’ back.”

A soft sigh left your mouth. “Go on ahead, I’m right behind you.”

You didn’t want to face the fallout.

You returned to Pogtopia late that night. Mining alone had been a good way to soothe your nerves after the events that had happened earlier. Whilst you had wished Techno had been there longer, you understood wanting to regroup. Today had been stressful for all of you.

You walked down the crude steps that had been made after putting the excess resources into the communal chest at the top. There was soft murmuring and the distant sound of Wilbur’s cackle put you a little on edge, but you soldiered on. It’s okay. Tubbo hopefully would have respawned by now. Things would go on. You froze at the top of the walkway down to the primary meeting area.

Techno was wrapping his knuckles with some extra gauze you recognized to be from your chest. Tommy was sitting a little away from him, his back to the wall and his knees to his chest. There was a distant look in his eyes as he stared at the ground in front of him. You could see a sliver of one of your plasters on his face, the bluish purple fabric and white dots a dark galaxy against his pale cheek. Your feet were moving before your brain as you ran to the teenage boy and knelt before him. You should have come back sooner. You reached out to hold him before hesitating, choosing instead to extend your hand to examine the flesh around the bandage. “You look horrible, Tommy. What happened? I thought you were safe after what happened at the festival.”

Techno grunted from the sidelines. “We resolved our issues.”

The boy before you huffed, still looking at the ground, but he leaned into your touch. “Resolved is a strong word, but we’re okay. For now.” He looked up at you and you pursed your lips together. He relaxed at the worry in your eyes. He was safe with you. “Where were you?”

“I was mining. I needed to blow off steam after all of that.” The blond just nodded, pressing his face further into your touch. You moved closer to brush some of the golden locks away from his face with your free hand. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Techno was suddenly beside you both, towering over the two of you. “It stays in the pit.”

You sent him an inquisitive look. “The pit?”

He only nodded and your frown deepened. Anger started to fester in you. Did he do this? To a child? “We are definitely discussing this later, Technoblade.” You watched his shoulders tense for a moment. You didn’t know if it was because of your tone or the use of his full name, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care at the moment. You’d take care of it later. You two always talked things through, and now would not be any different, but you had to worry about Tommy. “You can’t just hurt people and say things are better now.”

He opened his mouth to retort, but you were already helping the blond up to shuffle him to your bed. The child kept trying to wave you off, but you persisted. Despite your ire against him, something shifted in his chest at watching how gentle you were with Tommy. His bond with you was truly something to behold.

Why aren’t they paying attention to us like earlier?

They’re so sweet to him.

Tommy's lucky we didn’t accidentally kill him.

I wonder how they’re so close.

I don’t want to talk to them later.

Why are they mad at us?

So they’re not upset about the festival, but they’re upset about a fight with Tommy? That makes no sense.

Follow them.

This is stupid.

Do they like him more?

Techno sat back in his spot against the ravine wall. He saw traces of a fireplace and used the heel of his boot to push around the sooty remains. Most of the questions chat had were valid, but he didn’t want to pursue you. He didn’t want to have that conversation later, either. He just wanted to move on. But he knew you wouldn’t. Something about how resentment ruins friendships and miscommunication was the biggest cause. He could never resent you. Sometimes he resented the gods, but never you.

He wanted to know what kind of entertainment DreamXD and Kristin got out of watching them over and over and over again. Did they have nothing better to do than continuously create and orchestrate each new lifetime? Each new world with different rules and a different storyline? Or recreate other worlds just to change the plot? There had been so many, but this was the first where they all remembered. This was the first where he had met you.

Techno closed his eyes. None of his lives had been bad. Well, particularly bad. Wilbur always seemed to get off worse than he did. Tommy sometimes worse than them both.

He remembered a life of gilded castles, one of many. He trained Wilbur and Tommy in combat. He studied politics and was a general. He watched the two of them grow up in Phil’s absence. There were handmaidens that were too bold in their words, butlers that were too polite, and inside jokes between him and the guards. There were dinners made of things that he only wished they could recreate here. He remembered that despite any squabbling, they were still very much a family. He knows Tommy remembers that one all too clearly. He doesn’t talk about it often, but Techno knows the look in his eyes whenever Phil is mentioned. He also speaks sometimes about the servant that once tended to his mother but he nor Wilbur could ever recall one. Too many faceless employees. Too many nameless soldiers.

He remembered a different life where Hanahaki Disease roamed rampant. The flowers infected most of the people he knew. Sometimes they got better, sometimes they didn’t. Phil would never catch it. The blurry memory of his friend saying so flashed briefly in his head. That fact didn't surprise him in the least. Phil was a catch. But he had never had to deal with the deadly buds either. He couldn't remember why. His head throbbed gently as he tried to wade through the fog. Wilbur had suffered from it, though. It was devastating when he passed. The flowers choked him, stuffing his airways with petals. Who had he loved so much it killed him? Didn't he love anyone like that? Didn’t he find someone so beautiful that dying was more preferable than a life without them? Maybe he did. There were small flashes in his head of the gentle squeeze of a hand and a smile that could snuff out the sun. Why couldn't he seem to remember their face?

There was another life. A life where markings appeared on his skin. Little scratches, cuts and scrapes that weren't his, doodles, words that he would have never written himself. He remembered sitting through a lecture once, smiling at the little stars that speckled his arm and slowly appeared like the night sky in the twilight of the setting sun. Wilbur had shown off the same markings, and it was brutal irony that the two of them shared this connection with a third. They would play games frequently. Mostly twenty questions or tic tac toe, but locations and true names were always burning scribbles on their flesh when attempted. They tried many tactics to find out more before Wilbur had told them both off. He wonders if they had found their third in that life.

There had always been gaps in his memory, especially when it came to his other lives. Lulls where the mundane had become just a bit too mundane, moments where he just shut his brain off and went by instinct. Things were easier when you didn’t have past lives to think about. When he didn’t have to consider if he had already learnt a lesson and was doomed to repeat it. When you weren’t around to give him glares and words of encouragement and cause disruption in his life. Were Tommy and Wilbur’s lives more difficult with you here too? With someone to tell them what to do and to patch up their wounds and give fleeting touches that were so soft it was like touching a petal? He hopes not.

A sound of distress comes from the direction you and Tommy had gone in and he turns to look. You’re standing there, facing away from him, reaching out towards empty space to someone who wasn’t there. You must’ve been the one to make the noise.

You turn around and his frown deepens. You look tired and more than a little frustrated. It was amazing how much of a difference you stood now compared to the person that clung to him throughout the nether when he had first met you. Your presence was easy. You didn’t ramble like he would disappear anymore. You didn’t look to him for validation with every move. You didn’t act out of the desperation isolation had instilled in you. You had settled like the missing puzzle piece they didn’t even know was missing. Did you ever visit the library that you had once called your first home?

He watches you finally approach him, sitting and leaning against his side as if you weren’t upset. You move to intertwine your arm with his, hand slipping into his own. He didn’t stop you. “Wilbur, he’s-”

“Crazy? Yeah, I know. He wants me to set off withers.” You sat straight up. Shock painted your face a hue that didn’t suit you. Or perhaps it was fear. He didn’t like it.

“Withers?” He nods. Your head spins back to the direction of your bedroom. “Does Tommy know?”

“Tommy knows. I went along with it.” Techno feels you scoot away, releasing your hold on him and he already misses the feeling. “It’s not like we’re tryin’ to salvage the place, [y/n].”

“I don’t want more innocent people to lose another life, Tech.” You look at him once more. “Do Tommy and Wilbur know that you’re hoping to leave nothing behind? Because they both talk about reestablishing L’manburg when given the chance.”

“I keep tellin’ them the truth, but it seems like they’re not gonna listen.” He watches your face fall into a look that he hopes meant acceptance. Your eyes moved to the ground between you both and you just nodded. You didn’t know where you would sit in the aftermath of this all.

Techno felt your hand slip back into his as you take your place back against his side. Pink hair was soft against your cheek as you rested it against his shoulder.

“One step at a time. Let’s worry about getting rid of Schlatt first, okay?” He just nods back, resting his head on top of yours. You squeeze his hand in response. You felt safe again, especially with him next to you “Now-

Tell me about this pit.”

#RemembranceAU #dsmp au #dream smp au #dsmp x reader #dream smp x reader #technoblade x reader #wilbur x reader #wilbur soot x reader #mcyt x reader #tw: death

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dragonfire2lm · 3 years

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What I Learned as a Demisexual/Demoramtic

Now, I’ve started to frequent the r/demisexuality subreddit, and one of the most common posts are people asking for advice or information because they’re questioning.

Perfectly understandable. I help where I can on posts I feel like I can actually offer help on and I’m going to share that same advice on here with you all on the off chance it’ll help someone. Granted, this will mostly be me parroting information others have told me or information from the articles and videos I’ve watched, but this isn’t something that is widely known and I want to try and educate as well as help.

While I will remain as clinical and respectful as possible, I will be bringing up the topic of sex.

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is part of the asexuality spectrum, and is the complete absence of sexual attraction until a bond is formed. Let me stress that it isn’t “being picky”, or “normal”, demisexuals do not feel any sexual attraction at all until the prerequisite of a strong emotional bond is established. Demisexuals do not see people on the street, actors, or celebrities “hot”.

There is no desire, no reaction, no drive to have intimate relations with someone if they don’t know them.

This means that demisexuals are functionally asexual until they care about someone enough to develop sexual attraction. Personally, it’s less to do with looks, and more to do with who the person is. For example I find my boyfriend attractive because of the amount of love, respect and, trust we have for each other. It’s who he is that matters, not what he looks like.

Can I be Straight/Bi/Gay/Pan and still be Demi?

Yes. The Asexual and Aromantic Spectrums is often used as an additional label to the more “well known” sexualities. I myself am a Straight Cis female that is Demisexual and Demiromantic.

You can be demisexual/asexual/gray asexual and still be romantically attracted to a specific gender, as the Asexual spectrum only concerns sexual attraction and nothing else.

With that said...

Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction are Two Different Things!

Despite what society and modern media would have you believe, sexual attraction (the desire to be sexually intimate with someone) and romantic attraction (the desire to date someone/ fall in love) are two different things.

Just because a demisexual does not feel sexual attraction until after getting to know someone, that doesn’t mean they can’t fall in love. In fact the “emotional bond” I keep bringing up can be platonic or romantic.

I’m going to be using myself as an example, I knew my boyfriend for a few years before I realized that I liked him as more than a friend, that I liked him romantically, but I wasn’t yet comfortable with the idea of doing anything intimate with him when we first got together two years ago. It was around nine months (roughly) into the relationship, after talking things out, discussing what we wanted out of the relationship, what I was comfortable with, and trusting him enough to be ok with even talking about sex.

I loved him first, and found him attractive as time went on.

So, for those demis with significant others, for those of you who are dating a demi, and especially for people questioning if they are demi, please heed this next bit of advice.

Communication Is Key!

I cannot stress this enough, you need to be okay with having actual conversations, you need to aware of both your own boundaries and those of your partner. And for you singles out there, you need to be able to clearly explain this to any potential partners you may have, it will save you a ton of pain and heartbreak in the future.

It’s heartbreaking to see people on the Demisexuality subreddit deal with some horrible situations because they’re pressured into doing something, or assumptions are made based on how dating and hook-up culture work...

Sexual Attraction is Different from Sex Drive or Arousal

This is a point that a lot of people get confused with, thinking that getting turned on, viewing erotic material, and their own libido means they aren’t demi.

Sexual attraction is seeing someone and having the desire to have sex with them.

Sex drive is the desire to have sex in general, it is a biological process and is perfectly normal to have. An undirected thing that just happens. Demisexuals can have high or low sex drives, Asexuals can have high or low sex drives. Anyone can have high or low sex drives. What matters is the lack of or limited attraction to others that defines people on the asexual spectrum.

And yes, you can watch porn, read explicit fanfiction, whatever suits your taste. Arousal is nothing more that reaction to erotic stimuli and is a normal thing.

It’s even okay if you want nothing to do with sex. There are people who enjoy, others don’t and that’s okay.

Demisexuality VS Demiromanticism

I mentioned the Aromantic Spectrum earlier and have already stressed the fact that wanting to bang someone and falling in the love with them are two separate things. For those of you curious, Demiromanticism is similar to Demisexuality in that both of these orientations require a strong emotional connection to a person as a prerequisite, the difference being what the prerequisite relationship is for.

Demisexuals require an emotional connection before they are sexually attracted to someone.

Demiroamtics require an emotional connection before they are romantically attracted to someone.

There is no “Lust at first sight” with a Demisexual and no “Love at first sight” with a Demiromantic.

And you can be Demiromantic, Demisexual or both.

I am both, it took quite a while to figure that out, let me tell you. I had a genuine moment of “Wait, people actually fall in love at first sight irl? That’s a thing?” as well as a moment of “People want to F***, just because?”

As a demiromantic and demisexual, I was very confused for a while there.

Things Demisexuality Is Not!

It is not “a choice”. It is a fundamental part of how a person thinks, how they function. I can no more stop being demi than my boyfriend can stop liking boobs.

It is not “a kink”. I’ve had this one said to me personally and for the love of god, ew no. It is not a kink. It is something firmly rooted in how I am as a person you uneducated, narrow-minded Ding-Dong. Kinks are fine, perfectly fine so long as it's safe and everyone involved consents. What I'm not okay with is people blatantly ignoring information about a sexuality to label it as a kink.

“Isn’t everyone like that?” No, Let me put it this way, if the entire world was Demisexual, sex appeal wouldn’t exist in media because it wouldn’t work.

Bonus Round: Being Demi and Having Fictional Crushes

This is something I posted about on reddit, that got a lot of positive attention as most demis that replied didn’t really know about this, but could relate to once I put it into words.

I’d often get attached to fictional characters to the point of being hyper fixated on a select few and develop crushes on them. Some characters I’d even seek out explicit fanfiction of.

This is because I am essentially developing a one-way bond with that character. It’s not with every character mind you, there are some characters I have crushes that don’t involve NSFW content, and there are plenty of characters I like platonically.

But the fact that my hyper fixations and fictional crushes made so much sense after I figured I was demi was a relief and a fun little thing to figure out.

“Oh I’m demi... That explains so much...”

If You Have Anymore Questions, Feel Free to Ask Me!

I do have the ask box open on this blog, or you can head to r/demisexuality and hopefully someone with more experience than me can help.

I hope this was educational and helpful to a degree.

#demisexuality #informative #demiromantic

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daughterofanarcissistwoman · 3 years

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Trauma Bonding

(The writer here refers to an ex but this applies to familial relationships as well.)

You may feel pretty crazy over there in your trauma bonded trance for someone who mistreated you, but know there are people actually eating dirt out there and making more sense than some of the well-meaning advice I heard while I was getting over various forms of heartbreak.

We are told to stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, focus on yourself, and that time heals all wounds. When in fact, the symptoms of a traumatic reaction to a trauma bond make these very things feel nearly impossible.

What’s more, when taken in the context of trauma bonding, prolonged grief over the loss of a relationship is far from irrational, even when that relationship was a toxic one. If you feel more stunned and immobilized as time wears on, this is the reaction of your organism actually working to protect you from a perceived, ongoing threat.

You are not “crazy”.

Your body’s physiological state is just trying to communicate with you in a way that you may not quite understand yet.

There are people all over the world who experience cravings for dirt or clay. This is called geophagy and clearly sounds so insane that people feel ashamed to admit their cravings. Yet research has found that these cravings may indicate a lack in bodily mineral content or may function as the body’s protective response to pathogens in pregnant women or children. The content of dirt or clay may serve as a protective barrier in the stomach.

What may FEEL mentally and physiologically irrational, actually makes sense. This does not mean that anemic people should make themselves a nice dirt snack with their coffee this afternoon. It does mean that feeling estranged, ashamed, and ignoring the REALITY of the craving, without looking further into what it indicates, will never resolve their organism’s unmet need.

What is trauma bonding?

I only started to understand trauma bonding when I stopped feeling ashamed and started trusting my body’s own physiological messengers.

Breaking a trauma bond can feel agonizing. What’s the point of trying to accept the reality of a toxic relationship, go no contact, and try to move on with your life when you only feel worse as time wears on?

Breaking a trauma bond comes with intense withdrawal symptoms, flashbacks, cravings for the toxic person, compulsive thoughts about what happened, and an anxious state that may make you feel like you are going backward, without abate.

This is going to sound counterintuitive at first, but these very symptoms are confirmation that staying away from the toxic relationship is absolutely imperative to your health. This is because trauma resides as a physiological response to a perceived threat. Your organism knows and reacts, at the core, gut, and instinctual level, when a person or situation is harmful.

And while you may be fully consciously aware NOW that you are no longer in the relationship, your body is still registering an ongoing threat. This is manifesting in symptoms that certainly make you feel like you are going “crazy” — or maybe even make you feel as if you were never meant to stay away in the first place.

But all this DOES NOT mean that your body is trying to indicate to you that you are forever cosmically tied to that dirtbag who mistreated you, used you, and broke your heart. It means that the trauma that may have occurred before the relationship, during the relationship, and when the relationship ended, continues to live inside of you. It continues to live as a memory and echo that has no orientation to time and place.

You are feeling this way because, physiologically, you still don’t feel safe.

You will NOT be the person who longs for the person who mistreated you forever. But it’s going to be hard to get there if your strategy is to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and steel even more energy in trying to fight your body’s frantic physiological responses to the trauma in the trauma bond, through sheer will, when you are already frozen in emergency mode.

Stay with me. I’ll explain.

We look into trauma bonding as a way to explain, romanticize, and decode the characteristics of a relationship that feels or once felt so precious.

Here’s the gut-punch that usually gets lost —when you’re in a trauma bond, and the bond “breaks,” the trauma remains.

If you’re a cookie in an Oreo and the other cookie leaves, guess who is stuck with what seems like even more trauma filling than you started with?

This “trauma filling” can help to explain why your mind, body, and soul are registering a frenetic, obsessive, red level, emergency breaker craving for a toxic ex, toxic relationship, or situation.

The Trauma Bond

The reason for this hyper-aroused-anxiety-trance lies in some part to the nature of trauma bonding itself. Trauma bonds are formed when your organism registers that you are in danger.

According to “The Betrayal Bond,” a book written by Patrick Carnes, who developed this concept, “trauma bonds are the dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation. Trauma bonds occur when we are bonding to the very person who is the source of danger, fear, and exploitation.” They involve seduction, betrayal, and high intensity.

They also involve a seemingly endless sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Carnes wrote, “This type of bonding does not facilitate recovery and resilience but rather undermines those very qualities within us.”

Throughout the relationship, your organism assessed the threat and continuously mobilized energy for you to fight or flee. Yet the trauma in trauma bonding creates a cyclical, repetitive cycle that contains your ability to protect yourself, trust yourself, feel your body’s physiological reactions or evolve out of your current state, even when your partner is gone.

Instead of fighting or fleeing, you remain frozen and clinging with an “insane level of loyalty, to an impossible, unresolvable, toxic, overwhelming, or cosmically doomed bond.” A person chained to this type of bond “disbelieves the obvious and accepts the impossible.”

The following are some signs of trauma bonding, which I’ve adapted from Carnes:

• When you continue to be fixated on people who hurt you and who are no longer in your life.

• When you crave contact with someone who has hurt you and who you know will cause you more pain.

• When you continue to revolve around people who you know are taking advantage of you or exploiting you.

• When you are committed to remaining loyal to someone who has betrayed you, even though their actions indicate few signs of change.

• When you are desperate to be understood, validated, or needed by those who have indicated they do not care about you.

• When you go to great lengths to continue to help, caretake, or consider people who have been destructive to you.

These types of relationships capitalize on old wounds and previous traumas.

As a bigger and separate topic, there are a lot of reasons for why we may be vulnerable to trauma bonding, to begin with, including a deep desire to heal a prior hurt. We do this by subconsciously recreating the prior situation, down to the very exploitative, dangerous, or shameful elements that existed in the prior trauma. Down to the type of toxic, emotionally unavailable, or developmentally stunted person in the prior situation.

The reasons why we get into these types of bonds, the reasons we stay, and the reasons why we can’t let them go are interrelated, and at least one thing remains the same: our body stores these memories physiologically, without a time or date stamp. The memories can make us feel like we are in an endless cycle of trauma and pain, with or without the relationship.

The Trauma

Trauma is a big concept, that lives on much developing academic ground. I’m no expert, and what I’m saying is informed by the work of trauma researchers Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, and Patrick Carnes, but this is simply my interpretation.

Viewing your seemingly irrational reactions to heartbreak through a trauma-informed lens will reduce some part of the shame that comes with continuing to live in a body that is suspended in a hyper-aroused and frenetic state long after we are told that we should be over a relationship or situation.

There are different kinds of trauma. Some are the types of trauma we are typically aware of —responses to natural disasters, war, abuse, genocide, and other atrocities. We associate those traumas with the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which has helped to explain how victims survive in dire circumstances, including why the victims end up turning against themselves and becoming loyal to the abuser, as in the case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Understanding trauma begins when you remove judgment from the equation about the degree of atrocity that must exist in order to define trauma as trauma. There are other aspects of trauma, such as those that involve the body’s response to betrayal, childhood experiences, and interpersonal relationship trauma. A traumatic reaction is a completely subjective thing. There are more possible situations/origins of trauma than there are people.

Trauma lives inside the body as a physiological state. It will be easier to become aware of the manifestation of this state and to give it credibility if you realize that trauma can occur in the absence of abusers, victimizers, and overtly dire situations. You can have a traumatic reaction to anything or anyone that your body perceives as a threat, including a break in attachment with even the most well-meaning, non-intentionally insidious, but emotionally empty people.

Peter Levine has defined trauma as “Any experience which stuns us like a bolt out of the blue; it overwhelms us, leaving us altered and disconnected from our bodies.” It is difficult to access coping mechanisms while in this overwhelmed state. This reaction can become more intense when the relational trauma occurs for long periods of time, with intermittent reinforcement, and when it is layered on top of relational trauma that occurred in childhood.

The stunned shock of anything that your body perceives as a threat, including a betrayal or a breakup, can live inside of us as a physiological state, even when we are not in present danger — when we are out of the breakup, moved out, and presumably moved on. Our bodies are engaged in a survival response even when out of the danger — which manifests itself as a freeze state that makes all the negative emotions you felt while in the relationship freeze within you as well.

What is this? Why does this happen?

The Freeze State.

It happens as a result of a completely natural human reaction to a potentially threatening situation. Peter Levine has explained how trauma develops in his book, “Waking the Tiger.” When faced with perceived danger or challenge, we become energetically aroused, mobilized, and poised to pounce, respond, and defend. This is the reason why weaklings are able to lift cars in order to rescue children. Our bodies were built to generate tremendous energy and appropriately constrict it so that it can be released. So we can fight or flee from threats for our very survival. When the energy is released, there is a tremendous sense of relief and somatic calm. There is no trauma. The situation makes sense to us because we witnessed our bodies working with us to resolve a threat.

So what happens to this tremendous, do-or-die energy isn’t released? When we feel we cannot fight or flee, as in the case of a trauma bond, there isn’t a discharge of this energy.

Instead, we hard stop freeze. Unlike other animals, our more highly evolved neocortex prevents an instinctual response of releasing this energy anyway, when the freeze state ends. Without the release, our body constricts this incredible bundle of energy and contains it in our nervous system. We are suspended in a highly mobilized emergency alert state, hypervigilant, and brimming with energy that our body now has to shift around, negotiate, and safety-valve slowly expel through adaptations that make us feel like we are experiencing an anxiety reaction. This too, is our body working for us, to prevent a nervous system meltdown.

This is trauma.

An example of this is when you brace yourself during the impact of a car accident and later find yourself completely motionless, your knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, adrenaline coursing through you, heart rate is racing, breathing heavily, with almost no memory of the event.

Why won’t our “smarter” brain allow us to discharge this energy during the freeze state? Again, your body is trying its best to protect you. When that tremendous force of arousal energy is first triggered, it makes us feel up to the task, positive, and intensely alive. When the release is thwarted and is instead subsumed inwardly, we associate the energy with intensely negative emotions.

All those feelings and all the energy that you might have expelled during the relationship in a fight or flight response — all the anger, the shame, and the fear — now reside within you and may feel like are directed TOWARD you.

Our “smarter” brain attempts to protect us by negotiating these emotions within our circuitry because it believes that this work will protect us from experience sheer terror of the release. We fear releasing them because the energy itself is so strongly associated with danger, betrayal, and fear. You are now the home of negative energy that was never meant to be yours.

What does this have to do with your inability to let go of a toxic relationship?

Why does all of this slow you down when it comes to commonplace advice like “stop fixating, face the fear of moving on, and focus on yourself?”

Breaking trauma bonds.

The reason it feels like you can’t “break” a traumatic bond is because you are still suffering from your body’s adaptations to all of this chaotic, negative energy that is now stored inside. These very adaptations cause you to constantly review what happened, to fixate, to refrain from feeling fear and grief, and to obsess about the relationship.

• Anxiety.

The nervous system experiences trauma as a body feeling. In other words, your hyper-alert state lives on as symptoms that can be perceived as anxiety: increased heart rate, tension, agitation, flashbacks, shudders, muscle soreness, and racing thoughts.

All of this anxiety can feel unfair. We know it’s normal to feel grief over the loss of a relationship, but the hope is that we will feel some sense of relief once we get the courage to let go of someone we loved, but who we know is toxic, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable. Hang on. Your body is communicating to you that internally, you still feel as if you are in danger. Because this anxiety state is so closely associated with the trauma bond, this may feel like a craving for your ex and the trauma bond, when it is in fact, a frantic message to stay away.

• Helplessness.

When exposed to personal trauma, the part of the brain that processes information, puts things into context, and communicates to you in narrative form shuts down. You are suspended in emergency activation mode, but without an ability to cope with the stress.

This is why no contact is so important. When exposed to anything that reminds you of your former partner, your nervous system triggers energy to communicate the presence of a threat but prevents you from consciously putting that threat into the context of what is occurring here and now.

In this state, it can feel hard to learn new things or assimilate information.

This is why it can feel like such a gut punch to see your ex or hear about his or her life, even after time has passed and you are sure “you got this.” It can leave you feeling helpless and hopeless.

Trauma bonds don’t “heal with time” because trauma doesn’t have a sense of time. Don’t expect to never feel triggered. Feeling triggered does not mean that you are “back to square one” when it comes to processing. It means that you are experiencing traumatic anxiety, which once again makes you feel like you are frozen and immobilized. This can lead you to feel depressed even though the current stressor is no longer around. Don’t lose hope. Even the smallest bit of awareness of what is actually occurring will help you to unfreeze out of this state, and this will get more automatic and manageable the more you increase this awareness.

• Flashbacks.

Because you are not able to put your physiological distress into a time and place context, you are not able to consciously recognize that the traumatic event happened in the past. This causes confusion between past trauma and current stressors. Your body, behind the scenes, may be experiencing today’s stressful day as a flashback to the past, as if the trauma has returned.

Life goes on after a trauma bond. Other people and situations will stress you out and trigger anxious feelings that you will subconsciously associate with the trauma bond. This is why stressful days and subsequent disappointments make you feel like you are missing the trauma bond more intensely.

Trauma is like a trance. It makes you less aware of your current state, your bodily sensations, and your feelings. When you start to feel more safe, grounded, and present, you will slowly become more aware of when these flashbacks occur. You will feel less entranced and more able to untangle your prior distress from what is currently happening in your life.

• Trauma repetition review.

After an animal goes into fight, flight, or freeze and releases all the energy its nervous system conjured to get out of a dangerous situation, the animal goes into a review state. The point of this is to figure out what happened and to learn from the experience. Trauma bonded humans also go into this state, except the review occurs in a highly aroused and anxious state, because the energy from the experience has not been released.

This is why it is so difficult to stop fixating on what occurred, why you are experiencing obsessive thoughts, replaying old scripts, and why you feel abandoned and rejected long after a traumatic break has occurred. You are processing the trauma bond while you are still in a stressed and hyperaroused state.

This is why talking about trauma, rehashing the situation with your friends, and recycling anger doesn’t make you feel better and only further retraumatizes you. It may feel like you lost something important because you can’t let go of compulsively thinking about the trauma bond. This repetitive rehashing is healthy and normal, but only when conducted when you are out of an anxiety state and feeling grounded, safe, and present.

The antidote to compulsive rehashing is to remember that trauma lives inside the body, as a physiological state. Once activated, it shuts down your ability to process information. There’s nothing wrong with trying to figure out what happened, but know that doing so in this triggered state may make you feel like you need to return to the trauma bond.

• Hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is the inevitable result of all of this hyperarousal. In trying to make sense of how you are feeling, your body actively searches for the source of the threat, even when one cannot be found. This drive can feel like a fixation to scan for the source, even though what you may just be reacting to is your own internal arousal. This gets repetitive and compulsive.

Your body remembers the trauma bond. It remembers how it felt and who was around. Even out of the relationship, a trauma bonded person may still feel threatened by a memory of the past when dealing with a current stressor. Your brain scans for a source of the threat. Your brain lands on the emotionally charged memory and image of someone associated with the trauma bond. You may feel plagued by images of your ex-partner, but this is only because your body remembers this person as a source of threat, not because you need to run back to this person.

All of these symptoms occur because your nervous system is suspended in a hyper-aroused state, searching for new danger, and attempting to protect you.

The key to releasing the trauma bond is to remind yourself, carefully, with compassion, and with consistency that you are no longer in danger and that you are now safe.

– This, first and foremost, has to be true. If you are still in any way involved in a trauma bond, then you are not safe. It may feel like you’ve hacked it and you are over it and you are ready for contact or another round, but your physiological systems will likely tell you otherwise.

– When you start to feel triggered, remind yourself of where you are in time and space. You may be experiencing a physiological memory of the past that makes you feel as if you are re-experiencing the trauma. Trauma robs you of your ability to stay in the present. It drops you in a trance and prevents you from recognizing what you are feeling — both emotionally and physiologically. There are many ways of grounding, including yoga, breath work, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, among so many others. Once you get committed to healing, you will seek and find endless sources of information and relief in these. The key is to begin. Yoga will not release your trauma bond. Going for a hike will not make flashbacks and obsessive thoughts go away. These things may, however, bring you more awareness to your sensations and feelings, which will help you stay in the present when you feel yourself becoming taken over in a trauma bonded trance.

– Become emotionally available to yourself. The way to release a trauma bond is to very slowly and compassionately separate the amount of fear, that you may not even know you feel, about your negative emotions from the negative emotions themselves. These negative emotions are stored inside of you because your body internalized them, instead of using the energy of these emotions to flee or fight. They are not yours. These emotions are not your anger or your shame. You are safe now. You no longer need them. But you need a really safe base in yourself, your enviornment, and others in order to slowly release these. Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to let go.

– A symptom of being trauma bonded is an intense desire to inform the person who hurt you about your healing. Don’t do that. It will only entrench you further. Your stored negative energy is not your own, but it’s not your ex’s either. It may feel like you have to “place” it somewhere, but this will not get rid of it, and you will only re-traumatize yourself. You can’t put it somewhere else. You can replace it with the knowledge this energy is no longer necessary to protect you, because you are safe now.

Trauma-bonded people are usually the foremost experts on their exes. In order to survive, they can discern mood changes from small facial movements, sideways grunts, or the way a person is standing. Start becoming this aware of yourself.

Start noticing what triggers you, when you are feeling hyper-vigilant, when you are reviewing or processing the relationship in a stressed out state. Start noticing when your flashbacks occur. You may find that they are actually occurring in response to current life stressors.

In becoming aware of this, you may find that there are other toxic people and situations in your current life that you can let go of in order to feel more safe. When other toxic bonds fall away, you may feel more ready to be yourself. When you feel more ready to be yourself, you may become even less ashamed and more emotionally aware. You can start to recognize which thoughts and emotions aren’t yours.

When you separate these, you will feel even more safe. Becoming more self-aware is work with a huge payoff, and you’re already so good doing it with everyone but yourself.

When you separate the past from the present, you will start to have more fun in the present. You will solve the present problems better. You will start to feel more like yourself again. You are safe now, and soon…

You will be free.

This post was written by Natasha Adamo team member, Irena.

https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/

#trauma bond #stockholm syndrome #cptsd #childhood trauma #developmental trauma #inner child healing #reparenting #attachment trauma #self care #mental health #emotional health #abuse #narcissistic abuse #toxic people #dysfunctional family #shame programming #self compassion

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siriusheadspace · 4 years

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illicit affairs - sirius black x reader

Warnings: angst, smut, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it!!!)

Pairing: Sirius Black x Reader

Summary: You and Sirius start seeing each other in secret around Hogwarts since his best friend Remus has a crush on you, but is too shy to act on it. Inspired by "Illicit Affairs", by Taylor Swift.

A/N: God, all of a sudden I developed this hyper fixation with Sirius. I got a bunch of ideas for stories with him (and all of them inspired by songs lol) but this was the one that felt more structured. I haven't written in a while and English is not my first language so be kind lol

Words: 2k ish

Make sure nobody sees you leave Hood over your head Keep your eyes down

You could swear the entire Hogwarts castle heard your hitched breath while you tried to make your way to the Gryffindor tower as silently as possible. Sirius was the one to leave first this time, heading for his dormitory while you had to count to 300 - you forgot your watch this time. You were sure it was his time to wait, but you didn't contradict him after he zipped his pants, gave you one last rough kiss, and said "Later, then?".

Tell your friends you're out for a run You'll be flushed when you return

It took some time to develop this relationship to the point where you didn't have to talk and check each other's stories to avoid being caught. You knew your friends and roommates didn't believe you were risking getting caught and losing house points just for a night walk around the castle, but they gave up on you telling them who you were seeing.

Take the road less traveled by Tell yourself you can always stop

It started last year, in your sixth year in Hogwarts. You always had a crush on Sirius, but that's not uncommon - nearly every girl on your year couldn't help falling for his long, silky hair, his gray eyes, his long, yet toned body, and, of course, his devil may care attitude. But he never really paid attention to you, just some light flirting in a party at the Gryffindor common room one time; you were pretty sure he didn't know your name. But it changed last year. You can't quite point to when, exactly, you noticed the Marauders would go quiet once you walked by. But it got to the point where you would always notice. You'd pass by them on purpose, flattered by the attention Black was finally giving you. But you didn't notice that it was his friend, Remus, that gave you the most passionate looks.

What started in beautiful rooms Ends with meetings in parking lots

At a party right after a Quiddich match, you decided you would do something about it and give Sirius the chance to make a move. You took hours getting ready, borrowed a dress from a friend, the cleavage more revealing than anything else you ever wore, the fire whiskey burning your throat and your shyness. Once you came down the stairs, you could feel the glances at you, running up and down your body, another rush to add to the whiskey and to boost your confidence. Your friend group was close to the Marauders and you thanked the gods for it. You were all dancing together, and Remus excused himself after a few songs - you later figured he might be trying to get confident enough to make a move - once Sirius perfume got to you. Sandalwood, something citric and tobacco, all mixed to intoxicate you. You started dancing closer to him, and, in a spike of lust, grabbed his hand and went to an empty room. He looked confused but didn't complain when you pushed him against the wall and kissed him fervently. You felt his smirk, his excitement, once he pushed you back against a table and pulled your legs around him so he could lift you and sit you on it. He only stopped to catch his breath once you were panting and pulling his lower lip between your teeth. You felt like a goddess when his long fingers explored your body, lingering on your exposed curves. You unbuttoned his shirt while he unzipped your dress, and, without giving it a second thought, with a spark of pain between all the pleasure, you had your first time with the infamous Sirius Black.

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And longing stares

When you were finished, the combination of soreness and embarrassment started to make your chest heavy - the first time of many. Sirius was a gentleman, though, helping you fix yourself enough so it wasn’t obvious that you were doing what you just did, not commenting on the blood, or when your nails pressed against the skin of his shoulders out of pain. You felt his stares during the next few weeks, trying to find a way of talking to him and meet him again, maybe on a date, something more romantic than snogging on dark, empty classrooms. One night, you were reading in the common room and noticed him alone, leaning against the wall, close to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Once he felt your eyes on him, he left the room, and you felt a rush, getting up, counting to ten, and following him to another empty classroom, where he quickly took your book off your hands and moved them to his neck.

It's born from just one single glance But it dies, and it dies, and it dies A million little times

You were anxious to repeat his steps, standing against the wall, waiting for him to look at you. But he sure followed you to yet another empty room. That time, you actually had a conversation after you were done, but it was far from the romantic invitation for a date at Madame Puddifoot. "You need to be less obvious", he said, buttoning up his shirt. "I just did what you've done last time", you said, pulling your skirt up, feeling the warmness between your legs, the humiliation of being scolded like a kid by the person responsible for it. "But if it's going to happen that often", he smirked, "we have to figure out a way to do it in a way that people don't have to pay the tiniest amount of attention to find out, baby", he completed, and started scheming. You agreed to his plan: whenever any of you wanted to see the other, you'd send a note with a smiley face, something that wouldn't be revealing and wouldn't mean anything to anyone but the two of you, and you'd meet at three in the morning at the come and go room. "It's safe. And it has an appropriate name, don't you think?", he laughed, and you shot him a weak smile. He walked to the door but before he opened it, you put your hand on his arm. "Sirius", you said, and he noticed that he liked the way his name sounded on your lips when you were composed as well, and scolded himself for the flutter in his chest caused by it, "Are you doing something this weekend? I thought we could go to Madame Pu..." "We shouldn't be seen in public, doll", he said, trying to give you one of his smirks, but you noticed how his eyes still looked sad. It didn't matter, though - the weight of rejection pulled you down and you had to use all of your energy not to break down crying while going back to your room. Sirius went first. Once you were about to go up the stairs that would lead to your room, you heard his laughter with his friends coming from the other staircase. Unbothered by your encounter.

Leave the perfume on the shelf That you picked out just for him So you leave no trace behind Like you don't even exist

You've dealt with by rationalizing it in many different ways. You thought that the next time you got a piece of parchment with a smiley face, you'd just ignore him, happy to imagine him alone and pathetic, waiting for you. But you never had the strength to do it. You'd always fix your hair and some makeup and went straight back to his arms.

Take the words for what they are A dwindling, mercurial high A drug that only worked The first few hundred times

"Why does it have to be like this?", you asked, feeling brave, six months after your first encounter. "Y/N", he said - you felt a shiver up your spine like you always did when you heard your name in his voice - "I'm a bad friend. And I'm trying to avoid coming to terms with that", he completed with a sad smile on his face. Once he noticed your confusion, he explained how he started noticing you after Remus admitted to having a crush on you, but never had the guts to tell you. That Remus made him notice things about you he wasn't paying attention before - how your lips would pout when you were concentrating during Charms, how your soft curves were visible under the heavy wool of the sweaters you liked to wear - but it was you, in a burst of attitude, pushing him against a wall that made him give up on being a good friend for Remus on what concerned you.

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And stolen stares They show their truth one single time But they lie, and they lie, and they lie A billion little times

You accepted your status as a shameful secret. Remus still gave you fond looks and eventually had the courage to get close to you, trying to help with your DADA homework, complimenting haircuts, holding doors open to you. And you thanked him with your heart full of guilt, Sirius' stare burning on your back. After one of your encounters, Sirius brushed his fingers against your cheek and pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. You were still shocked at the demonstration of affection when he left the room first, and you started counting to 300 again. 151… Is he falling for you? 208… It can't be. It has to be just physical. Why would he fall for you and still keep you as a secret? 299… It clicked. He could fall for you a million times, it would never be as important as his friendship with Remus. And you loved him a bit more because of that. 300.

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

You tried seeing other guys. You went on dates, and you blushed at their compliments, but none of them had a fraction of the effect of Sirius had on you. You still hoped he noticed when one of them would hold your hand on the way to Hogsmeade. You could only hope it hurt him as much as it hurt you to see him flirt with other girls. To listen to his voice calling them "baby".

Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else

One night, you were whispering his name with him already inside you, your shirt undone, your bra unclasped, your skirt pulled up, when the door opened. The pain in Remus’s eyes as he understood what was happening in front of him was something you knew you would never forget. Sirius left you there, dressing himself quickly while apologizing profusely to his friend. You turned around and tried to fix yourself, and they left without even looking back at you.

And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself A million little times

None of them ever spoke with you again. It was as if you were taboo. Even James and Peter wouldn't pay attention to you once you spoke in class or told a funny joke to your friend in the common room. You figured it was fair. They had to do what's best for their friendship. And if pretending you didn't exist was the price to pay for that, they'd all pay it. When you saw them all laughing together, joyful, you knew you'd do the same.

But, sometimes, you could swear you felt Sirius’ gaze against you. And you knew that was as close as he'd get to ever touching you again.

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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This might be a weird question, but I am noticing more and more how many people in my immediate circle are prone to looping. I'm an ESFJ who started looping when my boyfriend told his mother about our relationship--I was so worried about what she thought of me and if I would be accepted by her. I recall literally shaking from the fear of rejection and not allowing my mind to be calm until I knew that she wasn't upset--even though she is someone who has known and liked me for years.

My boyfriend's ISFJ mom, when she heard the news, was upset and against the idea of me dating her son. I think that she began looping as well, thinking about her own bad marriage and how much she wants only the best for her children so that they avoid the situation she felt trapped in. Somehow, I think an Si-Ti loop cut her off from her real affection towards me (Fe).

My boyfriend, an ISFP who truly cares for me, then broke up with me, saying that he'd only end up hurting me in the future (Fi-Ni loop). He told me he had a "gut feeling" that we weren't a good idea, though he couldn't back it up with any reasons.

Meanwhile, my ENFP friend has totally bypassed her Fi, dissociating from herself, and my INFJ friend gets stuck in an Ni-Ti loop, disconnecting from others.

What can we all do to prevent our looping rubbing against each other and hurting our relationships?

Thanks!

Damn. That's a lot, to be sure. I'm sorry you went through all that.

To be honest, a lot of this sounds like a collective "freak-out." Like you all started spiraling into anxiety and it impacted everyone else, and made them anxious... with the result that a relationship ended. It's not good. But it's also not necessarily everyone looping "all the time."

Everything in the first paragraph is Fe in hyper drive, freaking out about someone not liking you and possibly changing their feelings toward you, based on a relationship. (You don't give evidence of Ne playing into these emotions, so I don't think you were in a loop unless you were conjuring up negative scenarios to go along with your angst and fear of rejection/disapproval.)

Everything the mom felt toward you is way more Si than anything else -- my marriage sucked, I want more for my kids, I can't deal with this, you shouldn't be in this relationship! Fear of history repeating itself is Si. Fe isn't necessarily considerate of people's feelings, it can default into "what's best for everyone," and that's what she thought she was doing by dissuading him from dating you.

The ISFP, on the other hand, did show a loop combined with an anxiety attack -- fixating on an uncertain, scary future based on his fears of hurting you later and allowing that to make his decisions for him, rather than living in the moment and realizing -- hey, our future is uncertain, why not enjoy the present?

Feelers with the ability to loop out of their emotions do it to avoid the pain of emotional connections. INFJs are especially prone to this (and mistype as thinkers because of it), since it hurts so much to want everyone's approval and draw their emotions into themselves.

So what's the solution?

You can't control other people, but you can point out to them what's going on (a loop) and encourage them to break it, by getting in touch with their missing function.

You could have helped the ISFJ by gently pointing out that while her marriage being bad is sad, there are many other marriages that worked out fine -- focusing too much on a minor thing, on her own little story, is missing the big picture that no one else's life journey is going to be exactly like hers. In that situation, she backed away from her feelings because they were no doubt painful (in addition to being fearful). Reminding her of your affection for her son, and how you BOTH want what's best for his life, and you would never stand in the way of his happiness, might have helped her ease back into Fe.

The ISFP needed to hear that most of what we fear never happens, and by focusing too much on the future and assuming the worst, he's preventing himself the chance to live and fully embody the present.

The ENFP needs to get in touch with Fi, otherwise she'll be so busy tying to make all her ideas profitable she will be passionate about none of them and run herself ragged with nothing to show for it. And unless the INFJ activates Fe and learns how to use it properly, they will never get anywhere in life -- because a Ni/Ti loop will get them nowhere. They need Fe/Se to be productive and get others on board with their ideas, especially if they want to change the world.

Everyone has to regulate themselves and learn how to cope with others who are mismanaging their functions, but it really has to start with you... if you are prone to loops, you have to work on strengthening your second function so it happens less often, by focusing on what that function does / means / brings to your life in a positive way, with the notion of having all four functions "at work" on any given day. You will make the best decisions from a place of being balanced, and have less anxiety when you are able to access all of your functions. (For example, in the future you can ask yourself, by using Ti, if there's any reason to be anxious about this situation, if anyone has given any indication of them not liking you, and if they don't like you, what's the worst that can happen? Will it kill you? Or can you go on about your day without their approval, because you are acting on the feelings you judge to be right to the situation?)

The older you get, as you mature all the functions in your stack, the less anxiety you will feel about external disapproval, because you will fine tune to your dominant Fe (through Ti) to prioritize what you feel about yourself and give that as much weight as what others feel or say about you.

#question #mbti

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ageof9thhouse · 4 years

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Signs in the Sixth House

The sixth house is where we associate the sign of Virgo (ruled by the planet Mercury) but the goddess of Harvest and Fertility, Ceres or Demeter is assigned with the constellation. Demeter had a daughter named Persephone (Goddess of Spring) and Zeus thought of Persephone as the ideal wife for Hades who was the God of Underworld and not happy with his position. The myth is famously called “The Kidnapping of Persephone”. In the end, it is decided that Persephone only has to spend part of the year with Hades in the underworld and this is when the seasonal cycles come to play. Demeter had to let go of her daughter and with that acceptance, we now have four season which gives the circle of life the balance it needs. So, what does this famous myth has to do with this house? Well, I see this house as the loss of childhood (coming after 5th house), growing pains, the responsibilities one comes face to face, taking care of your own health... Living is not all about fun and games no longer. The house represents the necessary actions or the discipline one has to adapt into their lives in order for their lively-hoods to blossom.

♈︎Aries / Mars in the 6th House:

These people want to have it their way when it comes to daily plans. They have a certain routine in which they’d prefer not to change for other people. They are talented in the field of organizing but when it comes to keeping up they are slacking. They are aware of how the “self” needs growth and would love to take the necessary actions for doing so, however, they are not good recognizing what these actions exactly should be. They are naive in their approach to taking care of themselves even though they would think of themselves as the best at it. They need to at least take into consideration what other people might have to say about what might be good for them. Aries rules the head, therefore the native might be prone to migraines, head injuries and sinus pressure. Anxiety can also catch up to them when they feel like they are not good at something they set out their minds on. When working for other people, the person’s ego is very fragile. They do not like the idea of pleasing others. They are also quite competitive in the work environment. The transition to adulthood was painful but was faster than what was anticipated. The native was a rebellious young-adult who was angry at the unfairness of the world.

♉︎Taurus / Venus in the 6th House:

People with this placement tend to be very stubborn about the way they want to live to be the best option for them (and perhaps everyone else too). They will not change anything about what they are doing for anyone’s sake. And when it comes to it, their daily routine is pretty lazy and focused on one’s pleasure. They want everything to go smoothly and under their control. They do take care of themselves but it a more self-indulgent way than anything. They like making plans so that they can enjoy it. They are likely to accept other people to custom their daily lives to their own. They are not very disciplined people when it comes to taking the right actions for an order to take place in their lives. Taurus rules the throat, including the neck, thyroid gland, and vocal tract. The native might be prone to inflammation of the tonsils, sore throats, and thyroid imbalance. They are sensitive to catching a cold more than most people. Anxiety can catch up with them when they see things not going their way and when their peace is disrupted by circumstances. A test of their optimism is something they fear but inevitable. When working for other people, they make sure to make themselves feel comfortable. They’ve got a way of making their superiors like them but it is a forced relationship. Even if they tend to be lazy in the work environment they are capable of keeping things under control. The transition to adulthood was very slow since the native is stubborn when it comes to giving in to nature. The native was surprisingly a patient and peaceful young adult.

♊︎Gemini / Mercury in the 6th House:

The daily lives of these people with this placement tend to be very busy and hectic. Thankfully, they are very capable of taking on a lot of things at once. They are very curious about health and what is the right path for them to follow when it comes to self-actualization. They are very adaptable to sudden changes in their routines and have no trouble with organizing. They seem to be very talented when it comes to recognizing the necessary actions to be taken so that their lives will come in order. They always have a back-up plan when things seem to go wrong. They might have a tendency to always “be on a diet” since they have an immense curiosity for the field of health. These people are highly analytic and seem to be afraid of being ill. They are likely to be one of those people who constantly google symptoms. Gemini rules the nervous system which includes the shoulders, lungs, arms, hands, and fingers. They might be prone to carpal tunnel syndrome, anxiety, nervous or fidgety problems, smoking-related illnesses, and breathing issues. When working for other people, they are very good at doing the right thing and following orders. In the work environment even though they seem cool and capable on the outside, inside a lot of nervousness can be bothering them because of their desire of being perfect at what they are doing. The transition to adulthood was very awkward for them and caused a lot of anxiety on their part but they adapted rather quickly. The native was a young adult who was always on the run trying to achieve their goals as soon as possible.

♋︎Cancer / Moon in the 6th House:

When it comes to their daily plans these people base them on their emotional needs which are changeable hence the reason why they find it hard to have a steady structure - not that they are complaining. They like the fact that their lives are unpredictable and ever-changing. They stick to their gut feeling when it comes to knowing what is the best thing to do for their bodies and livelihood. Their mother might have influenced them a lot when it comes to self-discipline or on the contrary, it was so lacking that they had to become their own mothers and teach themselves about nourishment through trial and error. They are not comfortable with restrictions and discipline. The idea of a routine can lead them into depression. Flexibility is important for their mental health. Cancer rules the chest, including the breasts and stomach. The natives can face problems concerning these areas. The mother might also pass on an illness to the native. But the emotional ups and downs caused by past traumas will be the biggest concern for the chart owner. In the work environment, they are well-liked. The people they work for or work with seem to feel close to these individuals even if the native is not really doing anything intentionally. Their intuition is working well when they are doing their jobs. The transition to adulthood might have had been very hard for them. Their biggest emotional problems probably occurred during their “growing pains”. As a young adult, they were quite emotional and well known for their vulnerability.

♌︎Leo / Sun in the 6th House:

It would be a hard task trying to make these people do whatever they don’t want to do. They can be pretty selfish when it comes to their plans and comfort zones. They go about their days confidently, thinking the universe only works for them but this is not the case. When they come face to face with this harsh truth they self-sabotage and make the most childish choices. They are forever creative individuals who never want to grow up. They can be introverts since they only feel confident in themselves when they are in control and other people will only bring discomfort into their daily lives. Even though they are very intelligent and creative they do not like to collaborate with people for similar reasons. Leo rules the heart, spine, spinal column and upper back.If these people do not follow a passion and know joy, there can be heart disease. It is crucial for them to live their everyday lives just the way they desire. It is not possible always of course. This is the reason why for their constant depression. Once they let go of the control issues they will get rid of the depression for good since the energy of the sun has immense healing powers as much as bringing too much focus in the place it's shining on to. In the work environment, they are very efficient IF they are working on their own. There is a great chance for them to outshine everybody else surrounding them which will lead to jealousy issues. The transition to adulthood is almost non-existent since they refuse to grow up. As a young adult, they were well-known for their creativity and talents.

♍︎Virgo / Ceres in the 6th House:

This placement feels right at home but it does not make it any easier for the owner. They are very fixated on perfection when it comes to their work, daily lives and self-actualization. They have one of the most analytic brains which can give sudden anxiety. They always feel the need to make sure everything is in the right order, but what is right and what is wrong depends on the circumstances. Not having the answers to problems makes the native nervous. They are always in constant search of what is the right thing to do. Since the answer to this is vague the person with this placement always feels incomplete. They have to watch out for trying to fill this hole with addictions. Virgo rules the digestive system, which includes the intestines, and spleen. People with this placement might suffer digestive problems in addition to addiction and anxiety problems. Their hyper-awareness needs to be tamed. Meditation and mindfulness are highly recommended to these individuals. They are also very helpful individuals. Concerns of others become their concerns also. In the work environment, they are hard-workers. They tend to tire themselves out to the point of exhaustion and they tend to overlook their health when their work is on the line. The transition to adulthood came naturally since they were eager to work and take care of themselves on their own. But once they are fully grown they miss their youth greatly. As a young adult, they were well-known for being workaholics and perfectionists who were nervous wrecks from time to time.

♎︎Libra / Venus in the 6th House:

With Libra’s energy being here balance seems to be the one thing the native of the chart is striving for more than anything. With balance comes peace and beauty but in order to understand and value the true meanings of these things other than what is on the surface these people have to have a taste of chaos and imbalance in their lives. Only chaos gives birth to such beauty. Balance in their daily lives is essential for these people since the circumstances are extra hard on them. The ruthless side of Venus shows its face here. The sign of Libra rules the kidneys, skin, lumbar region, endocrine system, and buttocks. People with this placement might come face to face with health problems concerning these areas. It is a great signifier of how they have to get their act together at this time. They have a tendency to wait for a significant other to help them on their journey of self-actualization which seems to be their downfall. Relationships seem to affect their health greatly. Being dependent on others will cause their personalities to be unstable. Extra care needs to be taken on their own being. In the work environment, they are quite artistic and seem to take care of anything that is out of order in their jobs. They are very flirty with their co-workers. During their transition to adulthood, they have blossomed beautifully. They had to go through a lot of tests concerning relationships. As a young adult, they could’ve had been heart-breakers and a lot of people had crushes on them.

♏︎Scorpio / Pluto in the 6th House:

When the antagonist of Demeter’s story comes to rule her house we might come across some friction here for the natives of the chart in a house that friction is already dominating. These people are masters at planning things. They can manipulate other people to adjust their lives according to their own. They are capable of controlling other people without even trying but there is a lot of karma that follows them without their knowledge. They are master manifesters but unsatisfaction with their daily lives seems to be a curse they have to deal with. It is almost like they have a great sense of what other people are going through and how can they fix it for them (or make it worse) but when it comes to their lives not only are they clueless but they always feel out of place. Keeping their powers of manifestation on a leash can actually do wonders for them. They need to take extra caution of their thoughts, especially of others. They need to stay away from any kind of obsessive behavior. The sign of Scorpio rules the reproductive system, sex organs, bowels, and excretory systems. They can have health troubles in their lives concerning these areas when their life is out of order. Once they put their lives in order and be careful of not adapting manipulative behavior, there is nothing that can stop them... They have the potential of becoming magicians almost. They can especially work their magic in the work environment. They have a way of climbing on the top of everyone else very quickly. They have a powerful influence on people. The transition to adulthood was almost transformative. Something inside had died and now they are the phoenix who rose from its ashes. As young adults, they have done things they regret but thanks to those mistakes they are capable of great things in life now.

♐︎Sagittarius / Jupiter in the 6th House:

The sign and planet of expansion are still going to do its job in a house that is all about discipline. Sagittarius is also all about higher knowledge hence the reason why the native of this placement will have an undeniable desire to know about their health and what is the right thing to do for self-actualization. The more it is ignored the larger the problems concerning these areas. The chart owner has to be aware of the issues surrounding their bodies and life-style - blind luck and optimism will not be on their side when it comes to these things if they are not taken into consideration. But once they are noticed and taken care of the native will be very auspicious. Sagittarius rules the thighs, hips, liver, pituitary gland, and sciatic nerve. If they face with health troubles especially around these areas, the native must take immediate action and take their soul-journey in their body seriously. After all, we are spirits who are having a human experience and anything that is of earth needs to be respected... especially our bodies. In the work environment, they are extravagant. It is hard to not notice them and the work they do. They are naturally good at doing what they put their hearts into but if they do not feel enthusiastic about their jobs they will be slacking. The transition to adulthood was overwhelming for them. Their optimism might have had been tested but they gained confidence as they mature. As young adults, they were always out and about and having fun. They have learned the most important lessons in their late teens and early twenties.

♑︎Capricorn / Saturn in the 6th House:

Capricorn can be extra hard on the native of this chart within this house which it shares a familiar theme with. Living life seems like a test they were not prepared to take and they always ask for extra time to complete. Serious caution and consideration need to be taken because once the health of the native is neglected serious consequences will be paid. The great magic of Capricorn (also Saturn) is that once the lesson is learned, that is it. Now you have mastered the issue. With mastery comes confidence and great self-respect. Capricorn rules the knees, joints, skeletal system, and teeth. The natives of this placement might need to take extra care of these parts of the body. Another concern might be anxiety which 6th house (Virgo) already is a natural at and together with Capricorn it is doubled. Counseling might help a lot. Health problems the father had suffered might make a come back in the child (the chart owner) so be very careful of that as well. The work-life might also be something the person is not very that much into as well. Even though the progression is slow for them success is guaranteed as well as great recognition for the job they do. They might even surprise themselves when they discover how good they are. The transition to adulthood was pretty slow for the individual as they did not really wanted to grow up at all but life goes on and with age, they get better like fine-wine. As young adults, they have struggled with a lot of fears. When they finally face those fears the monsters vanish and all that is left is endless opportunities.

♒︎Aquarius / Uranus in the 6th House:

These people are very talented in coming up with creative ways to put their lives in order. They are also very helpful and put their friends' minds at peace as well when it comes to balancing things out. Being out of control might stress them out like no other thing though. They do not like the idea of surprises and fear change. What you fear is what you get. They have learned to master their ways around sudden changes so that they will not be as affected as they used to. They might have had suffered unexpected illnesses no matter the caution they had taken. Aquarius rules the ankles, calves, shins, and circulatory system, therefore, these areas of their bodies might have had suffered or tend to get injured easily when their life is out of control. It is a way of our bodies telling us “get it together”. It is essential for them to know exactly where their future is going. They might be very intuitive. They might have flashes of insight concerning the future. These people are ought to do important work for the progression of humankind in one way or another. They have to feel like the job that they are doing is helpful for someone, out there. Their work environment is a place where they are advised to expect the unexpected. If they are truly satisfied with the fact that what they are striving to do in their job is what they were meant to do then there should be no concern. They have a tendency to be really good friends with the people they work with. The transition to adulthood was nothing like they expected to be. It was pretty shocking and life-changing. As young adults, they might have felt alienated from their environment because they were on a quest to find what was their mission here on Earth. They were on the constant search for their soul-purpose and once they found it there was no turning back.

♓︎Pisces / Neptune in the 6th House:

In this placement the 6th house feels distorted. This is the effect of Neptune on everything it touches but since Virgo is the opposite of Pisces, this touch is grander here. People with this placement tend to give in easily when it comes to what other people want from them. They tend to over estimate their own needs and put others needs first. The sense of some sort of a schedule only comes through other people. Sleep problems might haunt these people when they are not taking care of themselves. Pisces rules the feet, toes, lymphatic system, and body fat, when they are not following the right path these areas of their bodies are highly affected by their wrong doings. Pisces also rules the psychology to a certain extend. Hidden depression is a major concern these people might come to face with. They need to recgonize their bodily needs. It is essential for them to start to notice how their bodies demand respect from them. They need to learn to set up boundaries between them and other people and that is when things will start to get better for them. In their work environment, they are very idealistic. They have high expactations from themselves which can get in the way of actually doing the job the best they can. They need to take things less seriosly and let go of their ideals and only then they can manifest those ideals. They might not really have a clue about what they are doing or what they want to do. They need to allow themselves to take their dreams seriosly and pursue their dreams - not what other people tell their ideal job should be. The transition to adulthood was easy for them, or so they thought. They hid away their problems during this transition, to the subcouncious and they have to deal with them in the later years. As young adults, they were known for being carefree but were they really?

(Art: “Demeter Mourning for Persephone” by Evelyn De Morgan)

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