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wheelie-sick · 3 months

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this is going to be a long post, it's kinda just me writing all my raw unfiltered thoughts on ABA therapy as someone who actually went through it

-> TW for ABA therapy, child abuse, suicide <-

I was functionally diagnosed with autism at the age of 3 but it wasn't until I was 13 that I was actually formally evaluated for it and given an official diagnosis. I was behind in social skills and developmental skills

[ID: "was also described as a sensory seeker. She does not currently have any friends and has struggled to make and maintain peer relationships throughout her childhood. Difficulties with social skills were initially noted when she was in preschool (years before the onset of clinically significant symptoms of anxiety and"]

[ID: "Social functions: [blank]'s mother also completed a questionnaire rating her social responsiveness. Her responses on the SRS-2 indicated that [blank] is demonstrating severe deficits in the areas of Social Communication (reciprocal social interaction and nonverbal and verbal communication), Social Motivation (motivation to engage in social-interpersonal behavior) and Social Awareness (perceiving social cues) and moderate deficits in the areas of Social Cognition (understanding social cues). Severe Repetitive and Restrictive Behaviors (stereotypical behaviors or highly restricted interests) were also reported. The total T-score on the SRS-2 indicates severe deficiencies in reciprocal behavior that are likely to result in interference in everyday social interaction"]

[ID: "%ile) are mildly impaired, while her social skills are moderately impaired (2nd %ile). By domain, demonstrates mildly to moderately impaired abilities in six adaptive skills areas, including self care (9th %ile), communication (5th %ile), home living (5th %ile), self-direction (2nd %ile), social (2nd %ile), and leisure (1st %ile)"]

and ultimately all this ended up with the number one recommendation after my autism evaluation being for ABA therapy.

[ID: "Recommendations: Based on the above results, the following recommendations are made for [blank] and her family.

1. ABA therapy: [blank] May benefit from an intensive treatment program to foster cognitive and communication skills, improve independence and adaptive functioning, and help manage interfering behaviors (i.e home-based, 1:1 instruction, task analysis, etc.) Most private and community programs are based on principals of operant conditioning and taught in home with 1:1 instruction"]

*I'm getting misgendered here. my pronouns are he/him

"operant conditioning"-- like a dog 🐕🐕. woof woof.

my mom didn't know any better so she put me in ABA therapy with the Center for Autism and Related Disorders. she regrets this. I regret this more.

my autism evaluation was cruel, it dissected all my flaws as if I was a bug under a microscope in a highschool laboratory. my evaluation was passed around to ABA therapists, a line of high schoolers peering through the microscope examining the most vulnerable parts of me.

and I choose the highschool analogy quite deliberately. most of the ABA therapists at my center were recent highschool graduates with no degree and little training. they knew nothing about autism and had no qualifications. you need more certificates to become a professional dog trainer than to become a professional human trainer.

"operant conditioning"

and I wish I could say it was just a poor choice of words but ABA therapy was dog training for children. my dad used to call me an "it" and somehow I felt less dehumanized by that than the entire experience I had in ABA therapy.

I was the oldest person at my center (I did not receive in home therapy) with the next oldest being approximately 3 years younger than me. at the time I felt babied. I was surrounded by 5 year olds and I was treated as if I was not just a 5 year old but an autistic 5 year old and anyone who has been a visibly autistic 5 year old knows what that feels like. I had escaped being an autistic child and now I was being treated like one again. The head of the program tried to console me by telling me adults received their services too.

[ID: "Following the principles of applied behavior analysis, CARD has developed a treatment approach for children and adolescents with"]

this was the first lie they told me. CARD does not work with adults.

I was not allowed the privileges of being a 13 year old. because I was an autistic 13 year old and therefore I was the equivalent of a 5 year old. I was in psychotherapy at the same time and I had grown very accustomed to some level of freedom in therapy. I was allowed to use the bathroom independently. in ABA therapy I was not allowed to use the bathroom independently. I tried once, me and my therapist were on an "outing" to the grocery store and I told my therapist I was going to the bathroom and walked off and I got a very stern talking to about how I needed to "stop eloping" and if I didn't stop it would "become a behavior"

eloping became a common theme used to control me and squeeze money out of my parents.

out of everything I hated in my life, including severe physical abuse at home (which they did not report), I hated ABA therapy the most. I would repeatedly make serious threats of suicide to try to get out of ABA. no one cared. everyone thought I was being dramatic but there were times I wrote out suicide notes and ABA was among the reasons I listed. ABA made me feel hopeless, depressed, revolting, disgusting, inferior, and less than human. between ABA, my home life, and my social life I had never felt so hated and it was boiling through my skin. I acted out, I was bullying people, I was behaving recklessly, I was starting fights, and all this only made the oppressive force of ABA crack down on me harder. I was a cat hissing in the corner begging to be left alone and ABA brought a net to try to tame me further. every time I scratched back it was listed as a reason I needed to be there.

I was "disruptive" and "rebellious" and "uncooperative" and "resistant to treatment" and no one could figure out why I was "regressing" despite me shouting the answer. I was screaming and no one was willing to hear me

I hated myself and my autism. my autism diagnosis made me want to die. I didn't feel freed by it or understood I felt ashamed and disgusted. I felt incompetent and like I had failed. I was ashamed to be at ABA, it was my biggest secret. I'd lie to my friends about why I couldn't hang out and I'd lie to people in public about who the woman I was with was and I'd lie about all of it to try to cover up my most shameful secret.

ABA therapy did nothing but foster this. In ABA therapy I was mocked for being autistic and what was happening only clicked when a young kid, maybe only 4 or 5, was flapping his hands and a therapist took out her phone and recorded him. we were circus animals. it was all an entertaining show to them while they poked and prodded at us with metaphorical hot irons to make us dance. the first time a therapist laughed at me for rocking back and forth I wanted to throw up. I almost did. it was systematic bullying of children I was forced to watch and experience.

my point is: the last place on earth I wanted to be was the ABA center.

so of course I tried to leave. my mom would bring me McDonald's and I'd beg, sobbing real tears, to leave early because only she could sign me out. every time I'd go to meet her I'd be marked as "eloping" and my hotel stay in hell would get extended.

my natural response to a stressful environment (leaving) was pathologized. I was eloping this way and that way and never once did I actually, truly elope. that word was a weapon used against me. they used my "elopement" to justify extending my stay to my parents. they ate it right up.

they argued I needed to stay there because I was making friends. this was true, I'm great at getting along with children it's part of why I want to go into pediatrics, but I had also made real friends with people my age at my highschool. ABA was getting in the way. I wanted to spend time with my friends outside of school but ABA took up all my time from the minute I left school to 6pm and all day on weekends. I was doing a full time job's worth of hours. I complained about how I was missing out on spending time with my real friends (as in, over the age of 7) and I was met with almost no wiggle room in my schedule. I was allowed to pre-plan time to spend with friends but every time my friend group wanted to do something spontaneously? I had to say no, and I had to lie about why. my friends would share stories about driving around town with 2 people in the group stuffed in the trunk, of hanging out in the woods together, of taking part in ordinary highschool activities as ordinary high schoolers and it made me cry because I was not an ordinary highschooler and I was not allowed to participate in ordinary highschool activities. I was one of those weird, unpleasant, socially awkward autistic people instead. eventually, they just stopped inviting me. I was forced into the out group by ABA.

I'll never get that back. I'll never get a chance to be a normal highschooler ever again.

when I did have time available to hang out with people I never had the energy to. at the time I was living with an undiagnosed physical disability and I was begging to see a doctor but no one would believe that it wasn't just anxiety. the people who believed me least of all were the people at the center.

I was constantly told I was trying to get out of therapy by "feigning" very real pain and fatigue. I tried to explain spoon theory, and that I had limited spoons, and in response they made a task for me to name things to "regenerate spoons" that's not how it works. I wasn't the only physically disabled person there. there was a wheelchair user who was constantly forced to stand for periods of time despite being in agony doing it. he wasn't allowed rewards until he did it.

rewards were used to train us like dog treats are used with dogs. sometimes the treats were fun! I'd get to cook, play Mario kart, and go on outings. other times the treats were "using the correct name and pronouns for me." I'd constantly be threatened with deadnaming and misgendering if I was being "noncompliant."

misgendering because of my autism was a theme in my life. my neuropsych evaluation report misgendered me. my parents misgendered me. the staff at ABA misgendered me. at one point the head of the program suggested that my "gender confusion" was because of my autism. my abusive father latched onto this and still claims that the reason I'm "confused" about my gender is because the evil transgenders tricked me into thinking I'm one of them because I'm autistic and therefore easily impressionable.

the two therapists I had were nice because I refused to work with the others. they weren't on a power trip and both eventually left because they realized the harm the organization was doing. other therapists were not so kind. other therapists were on a power trip, because in their mind lording over autistic 5 year olds (and autistic 14 year olds) makes them powerful and strong. occasionally I'd get stuck with one of the other therapists when my usual therapists were out. they would talk to me in a baby voice. they would make fun of me for rocking back and forth, for not making eye contact, for talking about Skyrim "too much" and generally just for being autistic.

I never really knew what I was supposed to be doing, just that I was doing it wrong. the therapists there rarely actually told me what my tasks were they'd just mark yes or no on them, judging me for something I wasn't aware of. I was never actually supposed to graduate, I was never supposed to get out, if they wanted me to succeed they would have taught and explained what was happening but I was intentionally left in the dark.

I continued threatening suicide to get out. no one took me seriously. I was seriously considering it. there's no happy conclusion where someone finally realized it was all wrong, or I figured out how to be allistic and graduated, or I felt more comfortable there. I only got out when covid struck and shut the center down. it's gone now, replaced by a family advice center. I hope their advice for autistic children is to never put them in ABA.

there is no grander message here just suffering. I'm sorry if you were expecting some sort of great point at the end of this. there's not one. it happened, I wish it didn't, and I hope no one else experiences what I did ever again.

okay to reblog

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent #aba therapy #aba survivor #tw aba therapy #tw child abuse #tw suicide #ok to rb

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novlr · 8 months

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Hello. Not sure if this was asked yet, but do you have any advice on how to write or describe frustration/annoyance? Thank you very much in advance!

Frustration—an intense, universal emotion—can deeply impact a character's dynamics, driving both plot and personality in compelling ways: from its influence on behaviour and interpersonal interactions, to its role in shaping body language and attitudes.

Behaviour

Impatient and easily irritated

Avoid others and prefer solitude

Procrastinate tasks that annoy them

Shout, storm off, or be quick to cry

Make rash decisions

Restless and fidgety

Rushed and careless when completing tasks

Venting through hitting or throwing

Difficulty concentrating and staying focused

Aggressive and confrontational

Interactions

Argumentative

Sigh and grumble through conversations

Blunt conversations

Snap and bark at others

Picking fights

Abruptly end conversations

Curt, sarcastic, and defensive

Unwilling to listen to others’ opinions

Condescending tone

Completely ignoring others

Body language

Crossed arms and furrowed brows

Tense or clenched hands and jaw

Rapid, heavy breathing

Intensely stare or squint

Frequently run their hands through their hair

Sudden foot or finger tapping

Aggressive pacing

Slouched or hunched posture

Pointing, jabbing, or other aggressive gestures

Frequently shake their heads or roll their eyes

Attitude

Negative self-talk

Cynical or pessimistic outlook

Defeatist attitude

Constantly grumpy and irritable

Little to no enthusiasm or motivation

Stubborn and refuse to adapt

Insecure and lack of confidence

Overly critical of themselves and others

Prominent jealousy

Frequently express feelings of unfairness or injustice

Positive story outcomes

Learn to cope with their frustration in a healthy way

Achieve significant personal growth or transformation

Learns to express their feelings assertively, but kindly

Fuels their determination to overcome obstacles

Find a new, unexpected solution or opportunity

Improved relationships through shared trials

Gain a better understanding of their own feelings

Realise the need for professional help and seek therapy

Lead to meaningful self-reflection and introspection

Learn valuable resilience skills

Negative story outcomes

Damage their relationships

Isolate themselves emotionally

Deteriorating physical health due to stress

Make regrettable decisions in the heat of the moment

Face legal or social consequences for their aggressive outbursts

Miss out on opportunities due to their negative mindset

Develop a disorder like depression or anxiety

Decline in overall quality of life

Face burnout due to constant, untreated frustration

Fail to achieve their goals

Helpful Synonyms

Aggravation

Annoyance

Discontent

Irritation

Exasperation

Resentment

Enmity

Anger

Rage

Disgruntlement

Chagrin

Distress

Vexation

Displeasure

Grievance

Outrage

Disquiet

Dismay

Dissatisfaction

Peeve

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cashandprizes · 28 days

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Thwip Thursday

Oh yeah baby. It's happening. Enjoy an excerpt of my final paper for CBT where I treat our fun CBT dear professor Lasko. This is the funniest thing I've ever posted on my blog because yes, I am writing about redacted for a graduate school final paper for a grade. I will put it in the tag because I think it's funny.

(No read more necessary! Can you believe it! Just a warning though I did fill out his backstory and he did get hit with the transgenderification beam. sorry not sorry)

This case conceptualization addresses the hypothetical course of treatment for Lasko Moore, a character in a modern-fantasy audio narrative. Lasko Moore presented to treatment as a 30-year-old pansexual and transgender Indo-Caribbean man working as an administrator and adjunct professor at Dahlia Academy for Magical Novices for persistent anxiety symptoms. Upon intake, Lasko reported experiencing near constant racing thoughts that he was unable to “turn off”, panic attacks, and increased anxiety about social interactions at his work. He described spending a significant amount of mental energy preparing for and reviewing social interactions with colleagues such that he often avoids his colleagues in an effort to minimize his anxiety. Lasko reported that the anticipation around coworker interactions (meetings, socials, etc.) becomes quickly overwhelming as he becomes preoccupied with what he will say and do in an effort to try and minimize his tendency to become hyperverbal and overshare information as well as stuttering. He described this process as starting with embarrassment over previous interactions which leads to critical thoughts like “I shouldn’t be so anxious” which leads to rehearsal of potential outcomes of interactions. However, in the moment of social interactions he becomes so anxious as there “aren’t any objectives [or] any specific roles” to the conversations that he “word vomits” and becomes tangential and overshares until he runs out of breath and stops himself from talking due to his own critical thoughts and begins to isolate himself. Lasko was initially diagnosed with Panic Disorder (F41.0) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (F41.1) to capture his persistent anxious state with occasional intense bouts of extreme anxiety and panic. An initial long-term goal was collaboratively set as improving his coping strategies and tolerance of anxious affect to better network and create relationships. As this was Lasko’s first time utilizing mental health services, treatment began with inhibitory learning in combination with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in order to facilitate willingness to experience interoceptive cues and extinguish avoidance due to fear of negative consequences. This was able to reduce his panic attacks as he felt more able to tolerate overwhelming anxious affect. Despite his clear engagement with treatment through attendance, homework, and skills practice, Lasko continued to struggle with critical thoughts and avoidance of coworkers which he identified as a major barrier to his continued professional development and potential non-academic relationships. Through collaborative exploration, a persistent early maladaptive schema relating to his critical thoughts emerged and treatment shifted to a goal of starting dialogue between schema modes to facilitate the use of coping strategies to build interpersonal effectiveness.

#speed run #redacted #redactedasmr #redacted asmr #redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted lasko #POSTING THIS IN THE MAIN TAG IS SOOO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME OK

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lionydoorin · 1 year

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Do you have any Tara headcanons you haven't posted about? :3

YES YES YE !!!!! i think other people have talked about, them tho, but anyway <33333

baby tara having a super fragile health!!!! she was a premature baby, having to spend her first few weeks of life in the ICU, and ever since she was little she had many, many trips to the ER and stayed overnight at the hospital many many times

tara was held back a year when she was seven, following a decline of her health after her dad left, spending most of that year at the hospital or at home

tara being bullied because of her asthma (the kids hated that she got to skip gym) and because she was older than them. mindy, chad, wes and amber were her protectors (specially amber, with her aggressive nature, and chad, because he's a sweetie)

she's had very bad sleeping problems, as well, and sam would always help her when it was time to go to bed (aka the lullaby headcanon :3) when sam started distancing herself from her, tara started to sing to herself

^ after scream 5's events, she finally got medicated for her insomnia, as well as for her depression and anxiety that stem from her ptsd

abandonment issues???? anger issues??? repressing every single emotion she's ever had??? yes

tara having hallucinations? amber being the voices in her head??? yes

amber being her first kiss and her first crush. i have this entire headcanon abt how i think the first kiss moment would go actually but heheheheh i wrote a lot. they were a big will they won't they in the group. she never told anyone about their kisses, not even sam, when sam returned.

^ she misses amber. so much. sometimes she opens amber's tumblr simply to reread her thoughts, only to become overwhelmed by the pure guilt of missing her. amber tried to kill her. amber killed a lot of people. amber didn't really love her. did she? she hates it.

she struggles a lot with her interpersonal relationships because she doesn't know how to balance depending on someone and taking care of herself. she either doesn't want to be touched by anyone or clings to them like her life depends on them. took her a long time (and a lot of therapy) to come to a balance

her unhealthy coping mechanisms coming from her being so used to being on her own that she's overwhelmed by the idea of sam caring about her. she's not used to having a parental figure trying to take care of her. this period has her pushing sam away from her only to cling to her at the next second with the thought of her leaving (sam is so, so patient with her)

tara quitting therapy and physical therapy whenever she thought she was okay and normal only to return months later because she feels so bad with the realization she'll never be normal. if she ever was.

HATES crying in front of people. sam's the only one she allows to see her cry

painkiller addiction. definitely. wonder how sammy would react to it :3

she used to draw a lot. but with the hand injury (she's left handed) she had to stop for a bit due to her pain and overall struggle with Holding the pencil. this was one of her biggest motivations to return to physical therapy

she sings a little bit, even if not as much as sam, and is trying to learn how to play the guitar (it's hard, because of her left hand and all, but kirby helps her :3)

she can't cook to save her life. wes and judy would always offer to have meals with her because christina was always out. and she used to sleep at amber's almost every night.

very picky eater and this is why it was so hard for her to cook. would spend entire days without eating if she couldn't have the specific things she wanted to

#i could talk more but for now i wont .#also again im pretty sure at least the screamtuals share a lot of the same tara hcs so 🫶#ty max !!! <33 #tara carpenter #scream #ma talks scream #ask #autism swagger

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bitchbot3000 · 6 months

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Talking to a friend tonight about how one of the strangest, shittiest cultural shifts of the last decade seems to be the sheer number of people who are just totally uninterested in growing as people.

Uninterested in examining anything beyond their knee jerk reactions of "I like it = good, I don't like it = bad," and more than happy to therapy-speak their way through interpersonal problems on the most superficial level imaginable as long as it means avoiding any real personal accountability or need to confront anything the least bit complicated about themselves or the way they interact with the world.

It's so bizarre and depressing, and ABSOLUTELY a huge part of the reason we're experiencing a cultural crisis of loneliness. When you approach every relationship and interaction in your life and culture with the attitude of "I don't owe anyone anything" and a total lack of willingness to dig into any surface level discomfort or acknowledge that your actions do have an impact on the people around you, you're never going to form real, lasting connections.

(getting slightly more personal under the cut)

Whenever I think about this I always consider my own experience with what has, at times, been an extremely crippling panic disorder.

I see a lot of people with similar issues talking about taking care of themselves and whatnot, but it's all about avoidance and accommodation. Maybe I'm about to sound outdated, but it kind of concerns me that nobody talks about being able to overcome things like this anymore?

Some things never go away, my panic disorder has definitely opened doors in my mind that I know can never really be closed now that I've experienced a particular way of thinking, and I will always have some months that are worse than others. Acknowledging that doesn't mean avoiding everything that distresses you. Sometimes, it's better to just have the panic attack, go through the shitty thing, rather than let your fear take something else away from you.

The reality is, avoidance of an issue only allows it to gain ground. Every time you shy away from something because it's uncomfortable or anxiety inducing or upsetting, you are denying yourself an opportunity to live a fuller life.

I'm just so curious to know what it is, exactly, people are striving for when they pursue the image of moral purity and a stress free existence? How are you going to connect with people when you're constantly policing each other, when you cannot foster open, honest connections because you're so afraid of anything even the least bit unsightly inside of yourself or anyone else?

What will you gain from avoiding stress? Fear? Discomfort? How do you shun half of your emotions and still expect to be able to handle them when they inevitably break through?

Obviously, we all have our limits, we all have our boundaries, but the trend of people setting those limits and boundaries at the first sign of discomfort is insanely depressing.

#uhh birdie has some embarrassing moody rambles time #chirpchirp

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azura-tsukikage · 7 months

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Integrating Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) principles into your witchcraft practice can add depth and effectiveness to your personal growth and self-reflection. Here are some interesting ways to combine these psychological approaches with witchcraft:

Journaling: Use journaling as a form of cognitive restructuring, which is a core concept in CBT. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs related to your witchcraft practice. When you encounter limiting or negative beliefs, work on challenging and reframing them, much like you would in CBT.

Mindfulness and Meditation: DBT places a strong emphasis on mindfulness and meditation. Incorporate mindfulness practices into your rituals and spellwork. Pay attention to the present moment, your breath, and your sensations. This can enhance focus and awareness during your witchcraft activities.

Emotional Regulation: Use witchcraft to explore and regulate your emotions. Create spells or rituals designed to help you manage stress, anxiety, or mood fluctuations. This can be a proactive way to address emotional challenges.

Self-Care Spells: Combine witchcraft with self-care techniques inspired by DBT. Create self-care spells and rituals to help you soothe and nurture yourself, especially during times of distress. These can be designed to improve self-compassion and emotional resilience.

Setting Intentions: When you perform spells or rituals, set specific intentions for behavior change or personal growth. Make it a mindful process and use your witchcraft practice as a tool to reinforce positive behaviors or attitudes.

Affirmations: Develop affirmations that align with your witchcraft practice. These can help reframe negative self-talk and reinforce positive beliefs. Use affirmations in your spells or meditation sessions.

Role-Playing and Visualization: Drawing from DBT, use role-playing exercises in your practice to work through interpersonal or social challenges. Visualization techniques can help you explore various scenarios and develop problem-solving skills.

Identify and Challenge Cognitive Distortions: Similar to CBT, learn to identify cognitive distortions, such as all-or-nothing thinking or overgeneralization, in your thoughts and beliefs related to your practice. Challenge these distortions to promote balanced thinking.

Behavioral Activation: Use witchcraft to inspire or activate positive behaviors. Set goals for your practice, such as daily or weekly rituals, and track your progress. This can help combat depression or feelings of stagnation.

DBT Skills Cards: Create cards or digital reminders with DBT skills or coping strategies that you can use during moments of distress or emotional dysregulation.

By blending psychological concepts like CBT and DBT with your witchcraft practice, you can create a unique and therapeutic approach to personal growth and self-exploration. These integrations can offer powerful tools for addressing mental health and emotional well-being while still honoring your spiritual or mystical path.

#witchblr #witchcraft #witches of tumblr #spiritual growth #psychology #self care #self awareness #healing

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solarisgod · 21 days

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RE : MAIN STARWAKERS + SPEECH CAPABILITIES.

Philos is the only main Starwaker who never have any degrees of mutism when she was created to front ( have control over the body ) having open communicate with people outside the Starwake System to avoid or endure harm, or to directly express so the system’s needs can be met, often Micah’s. Although due to having limited language knowledge and poor speech skills with the system, he always had to watch and observe a variety of people in diverse settings close and from a distance to build his interpersonal and communication skills over time; Philos was quick as Phoebus to have advanced speech than others, though, often time, she’s forced by Phoebus not to speak to avoid giving away his presence.

Phoebus only had selective mutism, reserving open communication to only other Starwakers— especially Micah, when necessary while they have always been the one to speak to Micah as xyr “guiding voice”. After at the age of eighteen, they feel comfortable enough to speak out loud, although they had made sure to speak to strangers— anyone who didn’t know Micah had levels of mutism to avoid suspicious about Micah’s state. When Starwake’s DID becomes known to Micah while in mid thirties, they would then speak freely. Phoebus also held a similar practice of social observation for interpersonal and communication skills development through co-conscious with Philos or mainly Micah, although while being efficient at speaking, they never felt it’s safe enough to verbally speak and have their own presence easily known until the system was in bodily mid thirties.

Phobos is the only known main older Starwaker who still have level of mutism after passing the age of major ( 18+), specifically having selective mutism at the moment while it used to be fully muted across childhood to adolescence. While Micah’s selective mutism was developed out of anxiety, Phoebus’ was of self-protection, Phobos’ has been more due to its disinterest in socializing and difficulties in self-expression. It mostly depends on Phobos’ current mood and health state that influences its interest to communicate, not the closeness of connections or the people and settings themselves that it interacts with. Even with its own starmates as an adult, Phobos sometimes doesn’t communicate through ( physical and mental ) verbal, gestures, or messages. When it does communicate, it will often rely on sign languages to strangers and acquaintances or speeches to its starmates and closer associates outside the system.

Micah was first muted due to lack of opportunities to have speech practices while xe was originally raised in the wilderness by an incarnated force for the first two years of xyr life, as well as the abuse from past several foster families who forced xem to be non-verbal out of anxiety and self-protection. Adopted into the Everlove family at the age of five, xyr parents attempted to give xem speech therapy, although Micah was unable to make much progress due to xyr intellectual disability preventing xem from learning at a regular pace, along with the fact that xe had several behavioral problems such as aggression and temper tantrums which caused progress hindrances. Micah’s parents got xem a Picture Exchange Communication System where xe could communicate using pictures by pointing at them, and when xe was seven years old, xyr parents and guardian taught xem how to speak in American sign language. Although from disinterest and especially anxiety, Micah didn’t use sign language with anyone until xe was fourteen years old as xyr mutism became selective. Xe spoke verbally with xyr nuclear family relatives and close friends only and used American Sign Language with everyone else until xe was twenty two; Micah got back into speech therapy shortly after xe graduated from post secondary regular arts program at twenty and over time, xe was able to build enough confidence to verbally speak while xe developed stronger vocalization, pronunciation, and overall verbal communication skills.

#TBT.#MOBILE.#[ I’ll expand more on Phobos’ communication because ]#[ this aspect actually have a lot of interesting points I want to write down ]#[ but wahwawawawa I’m holding them all so near and dear to my starry heart… ]

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mbti-notes · 1 year

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Anon wrote: INFJ. I experienced childhood trauma (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual) and have a lot of difficulty with learning due to issues with concentration and memory. I also have issues with emotional dysregulation and poor sleep. I've received C-PTSD as a diagnosis, with BPD traits (I think something in the ballpark of BPD may run in my family).

During conversations I'm often only really attending to 10-50% of what is said but can usually interpolate due to redundancy. However, during technical lectures or other situations with much lower redundancy, I'm totally lost. I believe this is one factor preventing me from achieving my full potential. In my current state I'm still capable of making a good living and living a comfortable life, but I know there is far more I can achieve.

In the near term I plan to focus on Fe/Ti - emotional intelligence, social skills, and also developing Ti expertise in a specific topic aligned with my Ni vision via the right set of Fe commitments and collaborations - while sidestepping the poor concentration issue for now. I can see that sufficient prior expertise (Ti) on a conversation/lecture topic also helps to compensate for the concentration issues. You gave me similar advice (let Ti do the heavy lifting) a couple years ago.

However, in the long run, if I really want to achieve my full potential, I can see that I'll need to directly address my concentration difficulties and other ways in which I believe trauma has stalled Se development.

Do you have any thoughts on how to restore my ability to be present and learn more effectively? As of now, as part of my general healing process, I'm focusing on building healthy interpersonal relationships (likely just platonic in the near future, in part because I'm not sure if I'm currently capable of having sex), emotional regulation, learning how to drive (which I've avoided due to my poor concentration, but maybe I'll be forced to improve out of necessity), and martial arts.

I may also undergo physical therapy to be able to get a Pap smear done (as of now it's seemingly not possible due to anxiety). I also believe that the memories of the worst trauma are repressed, and am considering psychedelics and EMDR to uncover and process these memories, which perhaps could be necessary to fully heal and address my concentration and memory issues.

I've had very poor experiences with psychiatry and clinical psychology (misdiagnosis, gaslighting, fraud, and shocking levels of incompetence) so am not super eager to engage with that system again, though I'm reading the DBT manual currently and also deriving my own personal principles for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness (the latter I find to be easier, likely due to my Se issues).

I know you're likely going to say that I should consult a mental health professional, but I respect your judgment way more than any of the ones I've worked with. Also, an implicit assumption I'm making here is essentially equating focus/concentration/memory with Se, which may be inaccurate. Finally, I can't thank you enough for this blog. It's been lifechanging, to say the least.

Also, another assumption here is that trauma is the cause of the concentration and memory issues - that's my current hypothesis but I could certainly be wrong. My mom (who I think also has BPD traits) frequently complains about her difficulty concentrating. It's possible she also experienced trauma, or maybe it's genetic. No one has been willing to diagnose me with ADHD due to no evidence of learning issues in childhood. BPD dissociation could ultimately be the best explanation.

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Poor concentration is a lot like a sore throat, in that it can be a symptom of a great many things. By itself, it doesn't tell you a lot. The underlying cause could be relatively simple like poor physical health, or it could be a psychological issue like C-PTSD, or it could be a very complicated combination of factors working together, each needing their own solution. Let's unpack:

1) Physical Health: Brain functioning is heavily dependent upon physical health. Without a healthy body to support the brain, you won't possess enough energy and will to perform the executive function tasks you need for self-management and self-improvement. You mentioned poor sleep. A well-rested mind is essential for good concentration and quality sleep is essential for efficient memory consolidation.

Your brain is a physical object that requires physical care and maintenance. Without a nutritious diet, quality sleep, adequate exercise and blood flow, and proper stress/illness management, brain operation suffers. Therefore, improving mental health should always begin with improving your physical habits, establishing healthy physical routines, and maintaining work-life balance. Improving physical health also goes a long way to improving emotional regulation.

2) Mental Health: Yes, trauma can interfere with focus and memory operations, but this doesn't mean it's the cause, so I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion. Focus and memory issues aside, it is generally important to your well-being to be mentally healthy, so you need to address your mental health issues in a timely manner.

You mention three issues: C-PTSD due to a history of abuse, BPD traits, and emotional dysregulation. It's often the case that these three things are interrelated, but it's important to know for sure by getting properly checked out by a mental health professional.

There is a good chance that DBT will be an effective treatment for these three issues because it teaches you how to manage emotions better. But I suggest that you work with a DBT specialist rather than go it alone. The presence of BPD traits makes it likely that you have difficulty being objective about yourself, so going it alone could inadvertently lead you straight into Ti loop if you're not careful (assuming you're not already there). Due to the necessity of Fe development, it is vital that you have an objective person to reflect important truths back to you.

Every profession has its fair share of duds and bad apples. Not everyone graduates with honors, after all. I understand that you've had negative experiences with professionals and I can only reiterate that it's important to keep shopping around until you find the right fit. Being much more specific about the problem/issue you want to address can help you narrow down the search.

3) Learning and Improvement: You are drawn to my blog and its ideas about type development. While lack of presence may be an indication of Se misuse, the solution isn't as simple as developing Se. You're not anywhere near ready to develop the inferior function, and fixating on it is likely to be harmful.

In INFJs, lack of presence isn't directly caused by Se. It's more likely to be related to maladaptive Fe. When INFJs aren't able to handle the intense feelings and emotions that Fe opens them up to, they tend to develop a habit of detaching from the world and retreating into their own self-created world through Ni-Ti loop. Detachment means you separate yourself from reality, and lack of presence is one common symptom of that.

You can't be fully present and learn well when you're not learning for the sake of learning but rather treat learning merely as a means to some other, more unconscious end. When there's a lot happening in the unconscious, especially if you have a long running habit of repressing feelings and emotions, you're being driven by dark forces. If this is true for you, your real potential isn't to be found in learning or "intelligence" but rather in honesty and becoming more self-aware, i.e., facing up to the things that haunt you, which goes back to point #2 about getting proper therapy to address your trauma.

You seem very motivated to improve yourself and your life, which is generally a good thing. However, this motivation should be closely examined in INFJs because they often suffer from perfectionism and use "self-improvement" to feed unhealthy control issues. In other words, their motives can be suspect. You say you're not living up to your "full" potential, e.g., you should be able to focus better, be more present, remember more, perform better, etc, but is this really true? Says who? Who is the one defining this notion of "potential"? What are you really aiming for and why? What does "full" mean, i.e., at what point does it end?

At some point, if you ever hope to be at peace, you have to accept the reality of your limitations and be content in who you are, as is. Are you happy with yourself and who you are? Is your quest for self-improvement motivated by love of yourself, love of life, and love of others? Or is it fueled by ego, illusion, insecurity, guilt, shame, or self-loathing? It is very important to answer these questions honestly. Attempting self-improvement with unconscious intentions can lead to undesirable consequences. It sounds like you're trying to do way too much at once, which is usually a warning sign. Biting off more than you can chew is a very good way to choke.

Your thinking is messy and confused. You've taken the above three points and mashed them together. Despite what you believe about them being related, they are distinct issues that each need proper attention. I've separated them out for you and numbered them in order of importance. Slow down, prioritize the issues in the right order, and take things one SMALL step at a time.

#infj #ti loop #focus #concentration #presence #memory #learning #trauma #mental health #ask

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thevirgodoll · 1 year

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Hey Doll.

I really really need your help, please.

I keep falling to be the same person. Everything is bad.

I hate how I treat people, i tried changing several times but I keep falling.

I hate the constant need to feel validated. I started doing some hobbies to enhance my self esteem, but when performing these, I am like “are they looking? They are probably laughing at me” and I turn these thoughts away with “they are no one to me, I don’t need their opinion…” but I keep failing again. It’s so hard.

Excuse the following length of my reply, as I feel passionately about this because I understand exactly what this is like. Something in your life is causing you to ruminate more than usual.

Rumination, also called repetitive negative thinking, is a thought pattern that involves repeatedly and passively focusing on the causes, consequences, and meaning of negative feelings and circumstances.

Humans are natural problem solvers, but sometimes in that we look for solutions to confirm our biases. This is where ruminative thinking begins. This is where dissonance begins. I learned in therapy and my own studies in social cognition that repetitive negative patterns are often created in our childhood out of survival, not a lack of character.

This is why it's helpful to ask:

Why am I having these thoughts?

How do I avoid this, and what is going on currently to create this thought process?

What are my triggers?

You are correct in saying that hobbies will distract from ruminating and compulsively overthinking. However, your constant judgment regarding these positive coping mechanisms will do more harm than good.

You are also correct in identifying how you treat others. It's time to ask yourself why you are so critical of yourself and others. It is also time to accept that, yes, someone else's opinion is their own and you can't control that. It is also time to ask if you project onto others because of your own self criticism or fragile ego.

Remember: Multiple things can be true at once, it's not so black or white that you are automatically an irredeemable person who can't be better. Dust yourself off and try again lol.

Your candor to admit you are falling short and wish to do better is already a sign of improvement. If you're able to admit this to me, an objective stranger, then you are already starting the process.

Try focusing on what you can control. You can only control your self concept. Sometimes, people have to be in the background... (exception: close friends and family *who are healthy in themselves* holding you accountable!)

I highly recommend identifying your triggers, and if this type of introspection proves to be more challenging than you anticipated, therapy is a solution if you have the resources. I also highly recommend journaling, as studies have proved it reduces repetitive thinking because it helps you see your thought process.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope this helps, and I'm rooting for you! ❤️

References:

Berman MG, Peltier S, Nee DE, Kross E, Deldin PJ, Jonides J. Depression, rumination and the default network. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2011;6(5):548–555. Harrington, J. A., & Blankenship, V. (2002). Ruminative thoughts and their relation to depression and anxiety 1. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 32(3), 465-485. LaClaire, A. (2008). The influence of journaling on the reduction of physical symptoms, health problems, and anxiety in women (Doctoral dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology).

Recommended:

8 Self Defeating Thoughts that Wreak Havoc

Two Things You Can Do To Stop Ruminating

My Posts:

Advice

People Pleasing

Coping Mechanisms

Journal Prompts

Answer on Rumors & Interpersonal Issues

Practices for Self Worth

Building Habits

#advice #mental health #/gen #edited

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honeysuckle-venom · 4 months

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I'd be interested to hear how you found DBT harmful, if you'd like to talk about it....?

I remember all the mindfulness experiences and the ACCEPTS acronym feeling really frustrating + difficult + antagonistic, but for me at the time, learning about trauma therapy and actual physiological coping skills were overall helpful enough that I kept doing it

(Not trying to talk over your experience of it being *not* helpful for you! Just sharing what my experience was :)

Hi Anni! Thank you so much for this excellent question, I'm excited to answer this! I'm glad you mostly had a positive experience with DBT! To be fair, there are some elements of it that did help me, but overall and in the long term I think the effect for me was primarily negative. Some of that also has to do with how I was taught/the therapists involved and not exclusively the philosophy or therapy itself, but some of it is the philosophy/therapy itself. My answer is going to get very long, so I'm putting it below the cut.

Some background: When I was 15, I had a severe psychotic break/my schizophrenia fully manifested. Because it wasn't a super typical presentation (no prodromal phase, I didn't hear voices, most of my initial symptoms were disorganized and catatonic) no one really caught what it was. Instead it was just treated as a "nervous breakdown" due to stress at home/school and severe anxiety and depression. Because I was a teenage girl and engaging in self harming behaviors and expressing suicidality, borderline was also considered/something my mom's psychiatrist thought I had (this was 2012 and BPD was a popular diagnosis at the time).

I had already been in talk therapy for several years at that point, and my parents basically figured "well clearly that's not working bc look how badly she's doing." (Which was incorrect but that's a topic for a different post.) So they looked for other options, and found DBT. I started seeing a psychiatrist who specialized in DBT, and we also joined a group family therapy DBT program in which a few families learn DBT skills together and do a little bit of family therapy with them, which...bizarre structure to have multiple families in one room in therapy but okay. My initial reaction was "I hate this" but it wasn't that big a deal. I filled out diary cards, I learned about dialectics (a concept I actually kind of liked initially), I tried and failed to practice radical acceptance, I practiced using DEAR MAN to express myself in family group, etc. It wasn't really helping me much, but it wasn't hurting much either. I did like some of the distress tolerance skills. I did not like family issues being aired out in front of strangers. I found the mindfulness skills and breathing exercises quite difficult and sometimes triggering re: dissociation, but then I just kind of stopped doing those so much. It was overall a neutral experience. It was something I learned about a few times a week and at home I sometimes did distress tolerance skills and filled out my diary cards, but besides that I wasn't like...super in the DBT Lifestyle TM.

I slowly started to do better (not bc of the DBT) and eventually when I was 16 I went back to school. But I wasn't stable enough to handle it and after about a month and a half I became so unwell I had to be hospitalized again. First I did 3 weeks at a standard (though abusive) teen inpatient unit. After that I wasn't well enough to go home, and my parents got my rich aunt and uncle to help pay for me to go to a very expensive teen month long DBT intensive partial hospitalization program (basically inpatient with slightly fewer restrictions) at a place called Silver Hill. At Silver Hill I ate, breathed, and slept DBT. It was constant. The whole program is about really internalizing DBT stuff and just constantly using the skills.

That program was not good for me, on a number of levels. There were four main problems with it. The first was that the program placed a lot of emphasis on interpersonal relationships, which meant getting along with the other kids there. I was not very good at that, and in fact one time the psychiatrist spoke to me privately to tell me that I was "too weird" and it bothered the other kids. Like...sorry??? Whenever I messed up socially, I would have to fill out these worksheets with what I did/said wrong, what the response was, and what I should do differently next time. This was very bad for my self esteem and also wasn't the fucking point? I was there bc I wanted to kill myself not bc I'm awkward. It would have been one thing if I had been intentionally saying offensive things or something, but I was just made to do these whenever I was too strange, which...sucked. Very reminiscent of abusive autism treatment tbh. That's more on the specific people at this program than on DBT as a practice, but it did influence my view of DBT.

The next problem was the core dialectic that they always introduce you to: "I am doing the best I can, and I can do better" (also, and even more damagingly, phrased as "I am doing the best I can and I need to do better/try harder"). I heard this phrase dozens and dozens of times over the course of that month, and it was really damaging to me. I understand what it's saying, I understand what it's getting at, I don't need someone to explain how dialectics work to me. But I was 16 and drowning and had been pushing myself my whole life, and that phrase implies that what you are doing is NEVER enough. You can always be doing better. Even if you're doing your absolute best, you need to try harder. That mindset was so toxic and dangerous for me at that time, and it really hurt me. I had been abused, I had never felt good enough, I had always tried desperately to do my best in impossible situations, and now I was being told my best would never be enough, there was never a point I could reach where I could rest. "No matter how hard you work you have to work harder" is what that sounded like to 16 year old me. That was really bad for me.

The third problem was that I was doing DBT and DBT only. There was no trauma therapy. I wasn't doing it in conjunction with trauma work, I was just doing DBT. Everything was focused on specific immediate behaviors. There was very little room to talk about how past experiences played a role/affected me, and indeed it often seemed as though the therapists thought I was just using those as excuses for why I wasn't properly applying DBT skills. Over my month there I did learn and internalize some useful coping skills that helped me to, for example, avoid immediately going to self harm. But that should be the first step. It shouldn't be treated like that's the end of the road, once you've stopped the Bad Behaviors you're Cured. Sure, this was a specific inpatient program, and in depth trauma work wasn't the point. But they didn't even act like you should EVER do that kind of work/like when you left you should look into examining the deeper issues while continuing to apply skills. Everything was skill based, and so there was no actual chance to recover from anything on a deeper level. I could stop hurting myself but DBT was never going to teach me how to stop hurting. All behavioral therapies, imo, only address the surface level (behaviors and sometimes thoughts). In order to truly recover I needed to go much deeper than that.

Finally, although DBT is a potential treatment for schizophrenia according to the internet, I found it interacted with my schizophrenia in some negative ways. The core of DBT is dialectics, accepting that two (often seemingly contradictory) things can be true at the same time. I never had a problem with that, and did not need DBT to teach me that. I've never struggled much with black and white thinking. In fact, I had something of the opposite problem. At the core of my psychosis is a struggle with boundaries, particularly between the self and other and between fantasy and reality. My mom, with whom I was deeply enmeshed, lied and exaggerated frequently throughout my childhood, often about inconsequential things. I learned very early on how to hold multiple "true" views of reality; I had to, to survive in my household. It was kind of like doublethink, if you've read 1984? Here's the quote from 1984 about it: "To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, [....] to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself—that was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word—doublethink—involved the use of doublethink." That's what my childhood felt like. I think elements of that are inherent to DID actually. Dissociation and psychosis worked together to make me excel at doublethink growing up.

And then I was told that the way to cure myself of my mental illness was to...do that exact thing? Hold multiple conflicting truths at the same time? Okay! I knew how to do that! But for me that wasn't a radical new way to view the world and avoid black and white thinking, it was a reinforcement of an unhealthy blurring of boundaries and lack of confidence in reality. A much, much more important thing for me in my recovery was slowly learning to actually trust my own thoughts and my own version of the truth over what someone else told me, to learn to have boundaries and a more stable sense of self and to trust my own memories and internal truths. Although DBT isn't meant to confuse people or blur their boundaries or make them struggle with the truth, because I came into it already in that place with a lifetime of gaslighting and dissociation and psychosis (and because I wasn't aware of my dissociation or psychosis enough to keep them in mind while doing this), dialectics were actually ultimately the opposite of helpful for me most of the time.

So yeah! Those are the big reasons why I don't like DBT. Also I find all the acronyms annoying lol. But really it just wasn't the right treatment for me and my situation, especially at the time.

#answers #about me #this was so fun and interesting to answer #dbt my beloathed #psychodynamic talk therapy my beloved <3

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hel7l7 · 4 months

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hey there, been following you for quite a while now and never told you that your art just... hits really hard, right where it should. I'm struggling with bpd as well, and I want to ask you, but I don't even know what would I ask. I just feel so disconnected from everything right now, especially people, and I need someone who understands so I want to think you're the person who understands. anyway. how does it feel? how do you deal with it? is your skin ever comfortable? do you ever know how to talk to other people without thinking and feeling too much? do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? what does feeling feel like? do you think you'll ever be able to love yourself exactly for what you are? do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

sorry if this is a bit incoherent and too much... I just need to ask. sending lots of love your way

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I’m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3

The whole bpd diagnosis is a wild ride. How do I deal with it? Through art. Through therapy. Through talking with friends. Through trial and error.

I don’t really talk about this very often, but I’m unemployed and unable to work or go to school at the moment. So I deal with it but I'd love to be able to do more… Every time I try to pick something up I often end up finding out it is too much for me and ends me in crisis. (note: all of this is currently more bcs of my ptsd than my bpd) It’s a process of trying and figuring it out. I believe I'll get there, it has been better at times, and it has been worse at times. Currently I’m working a very very low level “job” that I really like. Which is going quite alright so far. It’s only a few hours every week but it is better than nothing. Please note that I’m not happy with this situation, I would love to be able to work or go to school. My country has a pretty well working system in which I’m glad to be able to rely on resources when I’m not well enough to support myself financially.

Is my skin every comfortable? Yes. It never was before. But it has become easier. It really has become easier. I feel everything deeply still. The good and the bad. But it does get easier. I’ve grown more accustomed to my own needs and that really helps. You’re not less worthy or less of a person because you have bpd. Bpd often stems from trauma/childhood/the past. Figuring out where my behavior was coming from helped me find better ways to cope.

Do you ever talk to other people without thinking or feeling too much? No. Lmao. I wish I could give you another answer. And I think this might be different maybe for other people with bpd. ( I mean I’m only one person so it’s not like my answers are The Answers. Everyone has a different experience. )

For me, interpersonal contact is the hardest part. Always has been and maybe it always will be. I’ve become better at not acting on my thoughts and feelings. I’m often just very scared or anxious about things. But tuning out to those thoughts and focusing on other things (distraction) works very well for me when it comes to the anxiety around it.

But there’s much more about this subject I could explore. I think my whole journal-art-chaos-page just comes down to me struggling with connection/people/myself.

How do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? By practice. By endless practice. Tell yourself the things you’d tell a friend. Sometimes when I’m very overwhelmed I try to imagine someone I love or someone I look up to sitting next to me and try to imagine what they would say to me. Or I ask myself what I’d say to a friend in a similar situation. Getting that kind-spoken dialogue going in my head often helps me set an example for how to talk to myself and help myself through this situation.

What does feeling feel like? It’s the best and the worst at the same time. I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. Maybe this is different for everyone but I’ve always loved it. When I was on antidepressants for a while I got very frustrated because I couldn’t feel the way I was used to. I experience intense love, happiness, awe, every positive feeling you can think of. And much of the time that counteracts the deep lows.

Do you ever think you’ll love yourself exactly as you are? Yes. I’ve come to realize there’s no other way. I can push myself to be someone I’m not but it does never really change who I am. Even then I’ll still be myself, trying to be someone else. Which never actually stops me from being me.

I struggle with this. Sometimes I don’t want to be who I am. This mostly comes down to me not wanting to accept that shitty things happened to me. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to face those things.

But in the end I can do whatever I want but I’ll never be someone other than myself. I can fight myself and keep pushing all my feelings down, I can neglect myself, hurt myself, hate myself, I can do all these negative hateful things towards myself. It will never change me. It will never make me someone else.

So what else is there to do?

I’ve tried neglecting myself. Never made me happier. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I’m who fought for me the hardest. In the end I was the one who was always there. I was the one who tried to survive when I thought I couldn’t.

Loving myself makes my life easier. And it’s a ride. I don’t love myself all of the time. And I still struggle to accept parts of myself that I wish were different. But I mostly wish I was able to give myself more love earlier. I mostly wish I hadn’t had to go through all that pain. I wish I never felt like I had to hurt myself to survive. ( Inner child work did help me with this a bit.)

do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

YES. All the time. It is very overwhelming to live in a world so intense while feeling everything so intensely. The good thing is that till now every moment I’ve ever thought I couldn’t go on, I still did. I still could go on. Even when I thought I couldn’t.

The hard moments do pass. In the end everything will always keep changing. The good, the bad. It is all temporary. Which is the only fact we have. But it does get easier to deal with it all.

It really fucking does.

16 year or 18 or 20 year old me wouldn’t believe where I’m at now in this all. There’s much more steps to take, but I’ve also come from very far.

#you all don't know how much love i carry for you #my heart goes out to all of you struggling #let me give you all a hug #don't give up please #anon #ask #bpd #this whole thing could have been so much longer and so much shorter #i'm sorry ;)

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