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jooniperbonsai · 3 months

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Thanks For the Sub (ksj) | Chapter Two

Pairing: Camboy!Seokjin x Gamer!Reader (afab)

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 13.7k

Release date: Mon. February 5, 2024

Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, camboy au, gamer au, comedy, crack, slow burn (?), coworkers/boss/friends to lovers, an exploration of adults in their late 20s/early 30s

Summary: Now aware of Seokjin's secret, you try to take some of his...techniques into your next stream. But how well will they pay off?

Chapter Warnings: anxiety, discussion of boundaries and triggers, Seokjin explains what bdsm is supposed to mean to us watching at home, internet/cyberbullying dynamics, boss/employee power struggles, discussions of consent, peer pressure, mention of threesome, implied chubby/fat reader (it's vague enough to not adopt a specific size), mention of sex toys, swearing, sexual fantasies, m masturbation, damn Seokjin has a boner so many times in this sorry, size kink, y/n assumes Seokjin's sexuality, porn simulation games, 1 (one) reference to Vine (RIP), Dom Seokjin, kink negotiation, mention of choking and improper bdsm practices, mention of urethral sounding (but not actually happening)

a/n: Ahh hello! First of all, thank you to everyone who has read TFTS so far! It really warms my heart knowing how well received it's been, and your comments and messaged have meant so much. I really wanted to emphasize discussions of consent and boundaries in this chapter. I was struggling to write for a little bit, and then suddenly I saw this one gif of Jin on my feed and my brain jimmy neutron brain blasted my way to a 13k length chapter. Hopefully I've proofread well enough, but if you spot some serious errors please let me know. -h

On Saturday afternoon, Seokjin woke up for the first time in what felt like forever feeling rested. After checking the weather app on his phone constantly throughout the night, he received the alert that heavy snowfall was causing delays in plowing and public transit. He messaged the opening crew, encouraging them to also enjoy the lie-in and prepare for a delayed open. Instead of falling into the semi-sickening lovefest of couples peeling each other’s perilla leaves or trying to feed each other lunch, he could be spared until the evening.

Which was good, because Seokjin was exhausted. His live last night was not planned, but after closing and apologizing to you about his gross mismanagement of power, he needed to get out the pent-up frustration that crumbled the bones in his body from pressure.

Sure, it was the right thing to do to apologize, even though he knew he would never be able to look at that prep counter, your wide, glassy eyes, and swollen lips the same way again. But it was important to him. He could never become the kind of man he watched his boss be to him or his wife, forcing his way past someone’s boundaries to get what they wanted.

Even years later, Seokjin was convinced that had he not shared information about Soon Yi that intrigued his boss, if he’d maybe kept his personal and professional lives separate, things maybe would have been different. And now that he was in the position of power where he was someone else’s boss, wasn’t it his duty to make sure that didn’t happen to you too?

Seokjin almost lost all his control with you yesterday. From the moment you came in with a tired, croaky voice that greeted him “hi” before the sun had even come up, he knew he would be struggling for the rest of the day.

During multiple points of your training, he had the urge to touch you, which was nearly impossible not to do, since so much of the guidance you needed came from hand-over-hand instruction as he showed you the fluid motions of safe chopping. When his large hands covered yours, Seokjin became aware of how tiny you were to him. Maybe not in all the places, but your height, your smaller hands, they showed him how easily and perfectly you slotted into his body, like a puzzle piece he didn’t know he could ever feel matched to.

Maybe Seokjin executed this desire to touch you a little too dramatically. When he saw your misplaced cutting knife, he let that excuse lead him head-first into white hot desire, scolding you, watching you squirm a little as you felt embarrassed for losing focus. And that seemed to unlock some feral need in him, to get you to squirm a little more, to touch you and feel the velveteen softness of your forearms as he pinned you against the prep table.

The little gasp you’d let out sent the blood straight to his cock, and to avoid you seeing how easy and embarrassingly you could undo him–how quickly one singular sound from you would make Seokjin rock hard and panting and under your complete power–he reacted, clasped your wrists, used some set of excuses to get closer, let his arm skim across your cheek to grab a packet of whatever the hell was above you. And the way you didn’t resist, didn’t pull away from his grasp showed him how good you could be, how obedient you were as you turned around when told.

He should’ve stopped there, but you were standing in front of him, smelling a little bit like coffee and a fruity shampoo you used, your bodies only mere inches from full on contact. And Seokjin wanted more of a reason to hold onto you, to see what ways he could rile you up, whether you were cognizant or not of how, well, submissive you were to him.

Most of his income from streams came from scenarios where Seokjin played into a softer role, which translated into the role of a submissive pretty boy, and usually a bottom. But for the first time in years, a rich, satisfying wave of dominance rolled back into his body and he welcomed it.

Seokjin knew better, but he couldn’t help himself. The one bit of control he maintained was in his refusal to let go of your hands, even after you had mastered the motions of your knife, possibly even better than Seokjin himself could chop. Because if Seokjin declawed himself from you, his hands would absolutely wander. Up the sleeve of your exposed forearms and down the swell of your breasts and full hips.

His cock ached thinking about how plush and soft your body would be under his hands, how he wouldn’t have to worry about breaking you. He could safely grope your sides and not feel like he would pinch your bones together, and that was important, because Seokjin liked to be rough.

When that carrot fell, you couldn’t shake Seokjin’s desperate hands off yours and you carried him with you as you curved your body toward the floor to pick up your mess. Seokjin was blessed and cursed with the brief moment he got to touch more of you than he ever had as your ass rocked back and ground gently into him.

He’d moaned, though he tried to disguise it as a grunt or scoff, but the way your delicious ass attracted him right in between the line of your cheeks practically begged him to rut against you.

Your reaction of shock, though, halted him as he remembered you two were in the kitchen of his family’s restaurant. He scrambled to cover his dick before it became even more obvious and humiliating.

And then you fell, because Seokjin was an idiot and forgot he had been holding onto you.

The sound of your head crashing into the metal ricocheted through his ears, and your pained moan sent him spiraling in panic. He didn’t think. Seokjin wasn’t the best at remaining calm during potential medical emergencies, instead of electing to assess your wellbeing and check-in with you, he just reacted, plucking you off the floor and onto the counter.

You can’t manage a restaurant without carrying heavy sacks of rice or flour, cartons of vegetables or gallons of oils and liquids into the space. That, plus the fact that Seokjin did go to the gym to keep his figure, ensured that when he had to pull you up from the floor, he could do so with ease. Which thanks to his awful, overly enthusiastic libido, was really locking in some potential size kink. If Seokjin could hoist you onto the cold prep counter without breaking a sweat, it meant he could also hoist you onto other things, like his cock. Could bounce you up and down and see how those delicious, large tits would follow his pace.

Fuck.

This was when Seokjin realized even though he was deeply, deeply interested in these fantasies, his reality was different. Because too easily he had dipped into some innate submissive part of you and decided to play with it and tease you for it. Too easily, he has erased any boundary between professional and personal, and now you are walking around with a giant bruise on your forehead. He used his power to manipulate you, didn’t he? While the tiniest part of him argued back, suggesting it was purely mutual attraction and biology, that he shouldn’t apologize because he swore he saw something in your eyes that almost guaranteed you wanted him too, this is why Seokjin had to apologize. The “almost” of it all. He wasn’t sure, which meant the uncertainty was a risk and just because he wanted something to be true didn’t mean it was.

By the end of the day, the intense proximity to you and the memory of your lips parting to suck his tongue into your mouth had become too much. Seokjin turned on an impromptu stream to wallow in his self pity and direct that dominant energy into something that was far less harmful and at least lucrative.

Now, as the winter’s dull afternoon light glowed through the city, Seokjin checked his phone, seeing that the evening crew leader had arrived and informed him that everything was covered and they wouldn’t need the extra help.

With that update, Seokjin’s entire evening just became available, which was a rare thing for him since he moved up in his job role. But because of this, he was unsure what to do to pass the time. He cooked himself dinner, cleaned, and organized the jars in his refrigerator, needing to keep his hands busy to distract himself from thinking about you.

His apartment looking immaculate and there no longer being anything else to clean, he finally fired up his computer to play games. Maybe this would serve as a proper distraction. His new PC was set to come early next week after being delayed by the snow. Despite Seokjin’s financial success since his start as a streamer, money to him was still something he wasn’t sure what to do with.

After Worldwide Handsome took their cut from last night’s fifteen grand in earnings, he would be walking away with about ten thousand dollars. He would, albeit quietly, pour around seven thousand of those dollars into the restaurant, where the mom-and-pop feel of the small shop was starting to show its age.

Last week, he’d called a repairman to give him a quote about fixing a broken coil on one of the griddles. After a quick inspection, he was informed most of the unit was corroding, and it was time to seriously consider a replacement. Between that, the new register he ordered, and the walk-in freezer that was coughing its last breath, probably as we speak, Seokjin spent nearly forty grand in the last month with repairs and replacements to keep the shop running another day.

His parents had insisted they’d pay for the expenses, but after the first few discoveries he’d made of the DIY wiring his father had tried in earnest to configure, Seokjin stopped alerting them to the updates he was making, hoping that distance, age, and some fairly similar looking appliances would allow for these changes to go undetected when they returned. He had seen what this place made. He’d seen his paycheck. There was no way in hell his father could afford an $18 to 25,000 walk-in freezer on their operating budget.

Overall, Seokjin made plenty of money with streaming, but beyond some investments and his nice apartment, as well as a savings account to ensure he wasn’t completely destitute, he lived much below his means. When he hit goals during his streaming, it did really feel like he was winning big. To buy himself a new PC was something he knew he worked for.

Just as he was browsing the new skins in the game store, he heard the familiar chime and his heartrate picked up.

You were live.

He hesitated. “No,” he said out loud to himself, his voice croaking after hours of not speaking. “Don’t even think about it.”

He knew if he looked at you right now, all the distractions, the cleaning, the dedication to keeping himself busy, would be for nothing. It would be painful to look at you–probably all cozy with your hair pulled messily away from your face, your glasses hanging off your nose instead of your usual contacts–and not think about how merely hours ago he had your heat rubbed up against him.

If he really wanted to torture himself, he would also think about how the casual, disheveled look you sported could have been something he woke up to this morning if he’d tried a little harder, the loose t-shirt you probably wore rising up while you slept next to him, exposing the soft tummy he knew hid under it. Maybe even one of your nipples would slip out, hard from the chill of the cold winter air bleeding into his apartment.

But Seokjin wouldn’t torture himself. He knew better. When he exited his game, he definitely didn’t launch his web browser and go to your channel that was on his Favorites tab. And he definitely didn’t cup himself through his sweats as he watched you appear before him.

If the idea of you in casual wear could make him this hard, the view of you now, as you sat on stream with a tight, low-cut top that showed the curve of your breasts and their delicious, lickable valley between them, could easily turn every part of him into stone. You did your makeup today. Let your hair delicately frame your face. You looked like you were logging on to lure your viewers to come to you like a siren. Seokjin wanted you to devour him.

His cock twitched and he groaned. He was such a pervert. But whoever this Y/N was, she looked like she was ready to play some games, and not the kind that Seokjin was used to seeing on stream.

“Well, hello,” you purred. Was this really happening? Who the fuck had possessed the wide-eyed, awkward gamer he was used to watching?

“I thought, given that it’s so close to Valentine's Day, and because I missed the stream last night, I would make it up to you.”

Seokjin froze. How had he not known you were supposed to stream yesterday? He would’ve never let you stay so late. He shot you an apologetic text,and when he looked up from his phone, he saw some of the comments flooding into your feed:

Mingisaysrelax: Um…am I on the right website? 😏💦

MountainSan88:😳

PizzaBoy97: You look really pretty 😍

MizzVyne: Is this allowed? IS THIS ALLOWED?

Seokjin watched as your chat exploded in response to your new look, clips being taken by the hundreds when you leaned down to adjust your seat and the tops of your breasts jiggled. Your mods seemed to be on top of things though, because as soon as he saw raunchy or hateful comments, they were swiftly being taken down.

“I’m not going to read my comment section right now, but I assume you’re all a little shocked by my appearance. I don’t know, I was feeling a bit inspired by another streamer I watched last night when I got home from work. He had some really good ideas on um…stuff, and no I’m not going to share who he is because some of you will absolutely cyber bully him for being associated with me and he deserves better than that.”

He. A pang of bitterness surged through Seokjin. It was laughable, really, how he was jealous because you were watching other male streamers when you got home from work, completely oblivious to how on another site he was jerking his aching cock to his viewers thanks to how worked up you made him.

“But yeah, I’m going to switch up the stream in the second half, if you want to stick around and see.”

This really piqued his interest, pressing his palm down onto his erection to try and relieve some of the pressure.

You frowned at your screen as you launched your game, some first person shooter that would hold your attention so you wouldn’t have to talk.

You opened your mouth to add something, but you were immediately dropped into your game, setting your jaw as you focused on the controls in front of you, occasionally panicking, key smashing so loud that it drowned out your squeals when you were knocked over and over again and needed a revive.

Seokjin assumed whatever teammate who kept reviving you must’ve been a subscriber who was stream sniping…or reverse stream sniping? Stream assisting and reviving as you struggled your way through the game.

Something really stuck with him as you played. Whoever this “mentor” was must have been well versed in the knowledge that on any streaming platform, sex sells, especially for women. Your new look was drawing in quite the crowd. He wasn’t sure he’d seen you have this many subs, points, or viewers while streaming before. It was like a switch flipped.

He felt a tiny flutter of something like pride swell into his chest. You were becoming more confident every day he knew you, from your knife skills to school teaching to now streaming.

“Oh shittttttt,” you groaned into your mic, ripping Seokjin away from his soft reverie and back into full on, desperate wanting. Maybe you were toeing the community guidelines with this stream, but that groan sounded almost pornographic coming out of your mouth, and any chance Seokjin had at trying to be respectful was long gone.

He cocked an eyebrow. “Oh you’re being a bad girl tonight I see,” he chuckled to himself.

Almost as if you heard him, you giggled back, biting your lip playfully. Fuck, what were you doing to him? Your chat seemed to be in a similar standing.

As a result, One of the mods pinned an announcement to the top:

W0nW00: To maintain community guidelines and compliance, we are labeling this channel as 18+. We ask that you be respectful to Y/N and her moderators as we continue with this stream. If your account is set to under 18, you will be redirected in 2 minutes.

Shit, all for a simple moan?

You paused the game. “I’m going to go for a bio break. Be right back.” You set your break screen, and instead of the usual, cutesy graphic of a cherry blossom tree blowing in the wind that said “Spring Day Streams”, it was now a neon, vaporwave cityscape and said “Join Us For Spring Night Streams, An After Dark Experience”.

Seokjin’s eyes wide, he finally released his cock from his sweats, and took himself in his hand. Oh, this was going to be good.

Seokjin is a camboy.

That’s the only thought splitting through the headache you’ve had all morning. Is there such a thing as an orgasm hangover? Because if so, you’ve got one. If not, maybe you were concussed in the kitchen yesterday.

You’ve spent most of the day trying to clean up the mess of your apartment and frankly, your mental state. Seokjin spends his Friday nights Daddy domming his humble pool of viewers and making thousands of dollars doing so. To even think that sentence feels insane.

And humiliating. Because attached to that sentence is the realization that Seokjin’s major success as a gay camboy means that he is absolutely not thinking about you the way you are of him, and the kiss you imposed on him at work was definitely not consensual after all, which when you think about it, is obvious based on how frantically he apologized and assigned himself at fault for what happened. He was trying in the most polite way to reject you.

You’re an idiot. And despite all of it, the shame of your action isn’t what’s delivering the heavy punch; it’s the fact that your crush didn’t die the second you found out last night. If anything, you’ve been silently wallowing in your sadness since you woke up, your stupid heart not processing that there’s one significant reason for why you can’t have him.

You try to trudge through the fog of it all, placing your newly cleaned toys back into their proper dust cases and compartments before returning them to the drawer next to your side table. You switch loads of laundry and drop the warm pile on your bed, grimacing at the idea of having to fold it all.

You shouldn’t be disappointed. This is a stupid crush that was never meant to go this far. Not to this place where you aren’t just humiliated, but the loneliness that you often avoid feeling has been spilling through the cracks of your life all day.

The laundry is the only thing that occupies one side of your bed. Never another body, his warmth, his weight existing as another living thing keeping your living thing company as you fold laundry or wash dishes.

No, you shouldn’t have projected this crush or obsession or whatever you want to call it onto Seokjin, but in these months of conversation and blooming friendship, you’ve found your mind beginning to wander into the fantasy of not just sex, but safety and connection. He’s a man who has always treated you with the utmost respect, even now in how he has maintained a boundary that gently rejects you, even if it’s confusing.

Before his promotion at the restaurant, there was collaboration that fostered your trust in him; your bodies started working around each other like dancers, fusing your movements with a natural flow. You’d seen some of that pop up throughout the day yesterday, which you couldn’t help but feel like delivered a bit of hope in your stomach.

You know it’s useless to continue hoping that something will change. Maybe he’s bi, you’ve thought a few times since you went to bed. He did call everyone a good girl. But, don’t some guys call each other girls as some kind of kink? But even hoping for that still feels wrong in your gut. Instead of wishing he just so happens to like pussy, you should be redirecting yourself from the fact that it doesn’t even matter. He said so himself, he’s your boss.

“Ugh,” you groan into your unfolded laundry. Why can’t anything ever be easy?

You shove the clothing pile to one side of your bed as you lie down, staring up at the ceiling, your eyes following the soft pattern of cracks that have begun to appear through the paint. You already know that going back to work on Monday will be awful, not just because this crush won’t crush itself, but because you clearly now know more about Seokjin than he perhaps ever wanted you to know. Won’t it be awkward trying to talk to him? And if he asks why you’re being so weird, what will you even say?

Sorry Seokjin, I’m not sure how to talk to you anymore because I spent Friday cumming while watching you on your gay cam show as you stroked your huge dick and admittedly once I saw your face connected to your dick I had the best orgasm of my life that rendered me useless the next day.

Perfect. This won’t be absolute hell at all.

Your stream alarm rings on your phone. You sigh. That’s right. You promised a makeup stream to your followers.

How did Seokjin stream so confidently? Last night, the way he just exuded dominance and control, how he managed to get so much money from sitting there and making his chat do the work? It’s not only impressive but also inspiring. If you were able to have that distance from your chat, maybe things would be a bit easier, and the questions that were so personal and directed would fade into the background while ones of adoration and impersonal fantasies could take their place.

And the money, god. If you had money like that, you wouldn’t have a stack of financial aid forms sitting on your dresser right now waiting for you to basically jump through hoops to ask nicely for a loan.

The way he was able to be so different and make money off of it? That feels promising to you too. Because whoever Daddy Dom Seokjin is, he isn’t just walking around in the world being “on” all the time. You know him as someone whose ears flush with embarrassment the second one of the delivery guys tells him he made an error with the order and tries to diffuse the tension with some free snacks; who often hums game scores and whose laugh sounds like a squeaky windshield wiper swiping across dried glass.

What if you could be more like that?

Not Daddy Dom or Mommy Y/N, but more casual and detached? You could stop reading your chat and answering questions. Or if you did want to play into some of Seokjin’s sex appeal, you could dress slightly more suggestively or do your hair and makeup to exploit the male gaze’s money a bit, just like how Seokjin did.

In this world of streaming, where everything feels like fractured versions of reality, parts of you being split among the pixels and delivered and digested into someone else’s home for their entertainment and pleasure, it’s hard for you to ever feel like you can have some close community with your followers. Not like Wonwoo does with his. Because of your start and how people perceive you now, there just doesn’t seem to be a way for you to have intimacy. Even if you tried, your chat flies by so quickly now that unless it’s a notification from a mod, any usernames and personal anecdotes are lost before you can even know who’s who.

You think about it for a bit. It can’t hurt to try, right? It’s not like you being a little less reserved would automatically launch you into a career in porn. And if it will help bring a little more income in, lessen the blow a tiny bit, you can’t really see why it would make sense to keep doing things this way when you are this miserable by the idea of it.

Spring Day Streams holds a standard image that is pink and soft, and you know some people love watching you because you’re hitting some fantasy they have. The woman who looks like an angel but swears like a sailor and as stereotypes often assume, fucks like a demon.

What could “fuck like a demon” look like on an often all ages game streaming platform, though? Well, not all ages. Some streams are only accessible to registered users over the age of 18. Usually the age filter is there because the game is super graphic, or the streamer is a sex educator or swears so much the algorithm has started penalizing them. A few times though, you’ve seen some streamers playing games that are so raunchy they’re basically porn. And porn versions of those games exist, but to keep some of them streamer-friendly, they also sell versions that don’t have uncensored anime girls receiving creampies. That would definitely maintain the brand without going too far, right?

You open your phone, typing in some of the titles of games, mostly dating simulators you’ve seen other streamers play before, and then you stumble across one called MiCamStudio, a puzzle game with the plot where you’re the manager of a camgirl enterprise and your goal is to become the most successful, richest entrepreneur while keeping your girls happy.

You laugh. It feels a bit on the nose, but a fun way to shake things up in an after-dark concept. And it’s not too expensive, which means if this entire plan bombs, you won’t have invested much into it. Fine, you’ll do it.

Wonwoo responds right away after you shoot a quick message with your idea to your mods on discord to help them prepare.

On it.

With a deep breath, you start to get ready.

As you brace yourself to come back from your short bio break and announcement, your heart is hammering in your ears. What if everyone left? What if things get weird or gross or you think you’re being kind of sexy and cute but are really just being an idiot?

Suddenly, this entire idea seems so stupid. What if your mom decides this is finally the time she wants to watch you stream? She hasn’t ever had the interest to, but what if she finally thinks to herself on a random Saturday night in February, “Wow, I sure do crave watching some video game streams! Say, I know my daughter Y/N streams. I should check it out!” or worse, what if someone she knows sends one of the clips or a screenshot of you with your tits practically out?

Your anxiety is starting to win in this battle, and as you pace back and forth in front of your computer, shaking your clammy hands and trying to remember how to breathe, you see the number of viewers has dropped since the stream moved from all ages to 18+. Which means that you can now read your chat again.

The comments are actually really supportive. Among them are some of your mods cheering you on, but one username anchors you back into your chair as you watch the notification dance across the screen.

JokeJinSeokjin has subscribed for 3x months!

Seokjin. Seokjin is live and watching you. Which you expect to be the thing that will throw you over the edge. Seokjin, your boss. Your kind of friend. Your crush. The man who you are trying to emulate in this attempt to be sexy and earn more money and confidence.

Surprisingly, a warm glow of comfort settles in you stomach instead. Because while maybe in all of this mess there’s plenty to be anxious about, you feel a part of you that’s determined to make him proud, to show him in this rejection what he’s missing out on. You take a deep breath to steady yourself as you hit the button to come back.

“Ah, hello! I mean-um, hello,” you catch the nervousness pouring out of your shaky voice and clear your throat, trying to sound more composed.

“I wanted to try something new today. Well, tonight. Welcome to Spring Night Streams, where I’ll be playing some not safe for work in more of a raunchy way type of games. Because as we know if there’s blood and guts and horror, it’s all ages! But boobs, those are a no no!”

You shakily laugh and suck your lip into your teeth. The taste of your lipstick laths over your tongue and you try not to think about how messy you just made it look. Or how you might now have lipstick on your teeth to really add an effect of clownery to your poor jokes.

“I’m going to play this game? It came out a few years ago, but it’s a puzzle game called MiCamStudio. Maybe some of you have played it. But uh, yeah if you don’t like things like that I can always um…well I’ll just try it and see…” you trail off and nervously fidget with your controls as you open the game.

Whatever you were expecting out of a dating simulator type game where you were in charge of cam girls, it wasn’t this. When you open the menu to start a new game, the animation that loads after you click “Start Streaming” is dozens of bra-clad boobs bouncing across the screen as it transitions you to the story line menu.

Jesus Christ. Heat floods your cheeks. This somehow feels worse than the time your earbuds died and you didn’t notice that the audiobook of a very spicy holiday romance you were listening to wasn’t coming through them, but your phone. On the bus. And to make matters worse, you were at a part where the narrator was very generously providing sound effects and moans for the main character as she participated in an orgy with triple penetration. Yikes.

You begin the walk-through of the storyline, greeted by Candy, a pink haired, busty camgirl who is looking to expand her horizons in the business. As you tap through the prompts, Candy starts to become less dressed, abandoning her already tiny skirt and crop top combo for a barely-there set of lingerie that covers just her nipples and vagina.

“I need your help!” Candy pouts, her eyes shimmering with tears. “I need 400 new fans for my business or else I’ll be out of work! Quick, use this magic wand as you solve puzzles to help me get closer to my goal!”

The wand is, of course, a vibrator. When you play through the first level tutorial and are prompted to use the wand, it vibrates the blocks, shifting them into new positions on the screen to match colors together. If you get enough combos, she has a giant orgasm, which increases her fans so you can pass to the next level.

As you work through some of the first few levels, you notice that your view count has recovered somewhat from earlier, though the comments are kind of off-putting. Not because people are being sexually inappropriate, but because they’re mad you’re not interacting with them.

NGL I thought this was going to be more fun and naughty.

Yeah now she’s not even talking to us at all.

I miss when she was bad at games and it was at least interesting.

Someone come get me if she starts moaning again like she did earlier.

Fuck. You are fucking this up. And your viewers are right, you haven’t been talking to them. Or really doing anything but playing the game and trying not to wince from embarrassment every time Candy moans as you make her a star.

There’s got to be something you can do. You think about Seokjin again, who you’re not sure is still watching, but you hope some of that confident edge he had last night starts to come over you, too. What was it that he did to keep everyone engaged?

He gave them incentive. A goal. He didn’t have to say much to them but tell them what to do and they happily did it. And that also took the pressure off of him to keep talking.

With a deep breath, you test the waters. “Oh, you wanted more fun and naughty? Well, you didn’t really work for it did you?”

You hate the words as they come from your mouth, but they have an immediate result.

Loyal2You tipped 1600 points. What do you need us to do to earn it?

Your face burns hot, and you sip some water to try and cool yourself, playing it off as nonchalance rather than anxiety. You feel your stomach threatening to lurch into your throat as you force out the next sentence.

“Mmm, I don’t know. Maybe you need to show me what I need,” you smirk. You really don’t know. Money? Subs? People not questioning you? This to be over?

LongJohn69 gifted 10 subs. Maybe this will help? 😉

“Well, it’s a start. Thanks for the sub,” you giggle, forcing yourself to relax into your chair.

“Hmm, what can I give you all as a reward? I feel like I could really use some cute new clothes that I can wear for you next stream if you help me?”

Your voice is softened and the pitch is a bit higher. Maybe Candy’s baby voice is having an impact on you from the game, because your normal, even paced tone is taking a turn. Is this the persona you’ve been trying to find?

But you need this money. School, your future. You can’t just keep living the way you have been.

7DaysAWeek tipped 10,000 points. Please, say “thank you 7 days” in that adorable whiny voice, baby. I’ll double tip if you do.

You freeze. 20,000 points is $200. All for you to say something so simple and stupid?

God, but it doesn’t feel right to do it. You could ignore it, you think. And walk away with $100 before your commission rate is taken out. Which will end up being nothing, you realize.

“Oh, hmm.” You pause and then just do it. “Okay. Thank you 7 Days for the points. I really appreciate it.” You drum up the dramatics, eliciting some horrible, embarrassing baby voice that makes your vowels stringy and weak.

Yuck. More requests pour in, people eager to get you to recite some innocent seeming phrases that you know are fodder for their spank bank.

You see a tiny notification flash in the bottom right corner: a private message from Wonwoo.

Y/N, you could get into deep shit if you aren’t careful. This could potentially violate your terms of service.

You frown at the message but nod to let him know you read it.

“Okay, well, I think it’s time we get back to the game!” You awkwardly divert your attention back to the screen, letting Candy’s moans fill the silence as you ignore the new requests and subs for the rest of your stream, too humiliated to think about what they could be saying.

After you end your stream, you feel the damn of tears that was welling your eyes for the last half hour spill.

What a fucking disaster. What started as a hopeful night turned out to be one of your most streamed yet somehow also least successful broadcasts. The rush of viewers at the start provided you with a great boost, but after you didn’t engage again with the requests, your views, subs, and points plummeted, leaving you with a very slim payout for the day. This wouldn’t be much of anything for your bills once commission is taken.

You don’t know how people do this. You feel like absolutely dog shit, and you even wrapped early, pretending that you were sick. But maybe you also aren’t really pretending, your stomach feels knotted and sour.

Something about that felt wrong, but you don’t really understand why. It’s not like you’re prudish or fear sex. On any given day those kinds of requests stack up by the hundreds. But maybe it’s because tonight you finally peeled back the dismissive layer and let them in that has you feeling vulnerable and honestly, a little dirty.

You wipe some stray tears from your eyes, stretching across the desk to grab your phone and pull it off of do not disturb mode. You see a few texts from Seokjin that he sent while you were streaming.

Seokjin (8:17PM): Hey! I didn’t know you were supposed to stream yesterday. I would have let you leave early if I’d known.😞

Seokjin (9:15PM): Hey, are you okay? You look really uncomfortable. I know you’re playing and won’t see this until after you’re done but I wanted to check.

Seokjin (9:47PM): Y/N, please don’t feed into these requests if it’s not what you want.

Seokjin (10:02PM): Call me. The second you get this. Urgent.

You read the last text, which was sent twenty minutes ago. Shit, did something happen to the restaurant?

“Y/N,” Seokjin says after one ring, his voice strained.

“Um, hi Seokjin. I’m just calling you back because you said it’s urgent! Is everything okay with the restaurant? Did the snow knock power out or something? If you need me to come in tomorrow too I can help with stuff.”

“What?” Seokjin pauses for a second, his exasperation now turned to confusion. “No, Y/N. Everything with the restaurant is fine.”

“Oh. Then why did you call?” you ask.

“Well, if you saw all my texts then you know I was watching your stream. And I just wanted to check and make sure you’re okay after that? Near the end you looked pretty upset.”

The warmth in your stomach you felt when you first heard his voice is gone, replaced by a sharp, gritty unease.

“Oh. Um, yeah I’m…fine,” but the tightness in your throat betrays you and a tiny sob escapes as the tears begin falling again.

Seokjin doesn’t say anything as you sniffle into your phone, scrubbing the dribble away from your nose and cheeks with your sleeve.

“Hey,” he says as your cries become softer. “Do you want to get out of the house for a bit?”

“It’s kind of late, isn’t it,” you say weakly.

“That’s not what I asked. Do you want to get out of the house for a bit?” He repeats.

Do you? Part of you is exhausted, tempted to just go right to bed. But you know if you lie down right now in the rest of that unfolded pile of laundry you might never emerge.

“Ok,” you whisper into the receiver.

“I’ll come get you,” Seokjin says. “Dress warm. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

When you were little, your parents took you on a road trip to get away from the city. You sat in the backseat, kicking your father’s chair grumpily on the first day, tired from waking up early and having to be stuffed into the car with the mountain of snacks, toys, clothes, and camping gear you had shoved in beside you. Your father was patient for the first hour of your kicks, but before long the steady thump thump thump on his lower back was becoming a strong annoyance as he navigated further away from home.

“Y/N,” your father had sharply warned once he’d had enough. “Keep it up, and I’ll take your feet off and put them into my pockets.”

While in retrospect the threat is silly and impossible, at the time, your five-year-old self was struck with horror as you imagined him sawing your feet off like the patients who were out in the snow for too long in that medical TV show you saw at your grandparents’ house once.

You’d tucked your feet underneath you until you were at a rest stop, where picnic tables and a small garden scape awaited you, filled with native wildflowers and lazy, fat bees that hovered from flower to flower.

Your mother smoothed your hair with her hand, guiding you through the garden as your father bought your lunches from inside the building.

“He didn’t mean it,” she’d said softly, feathering the tips of your hair across your cheek. Goosebumps prickled along your arms and you shivered, even though the sun was heavy and hot on top of you that day. “No one will take your feet from you.”

You’d hugged her tightly then, still unsure as to why someone would try to take your feet from you. Your tapping in the car was mostly to keep you from feeling like you were going to be sick, but back then you didn’t really have the words to express yourself.

When your father returned, he wordlessly placed your meal in front of you, including a large, fudgy cookie for dessert. Your father had always been proud, and even then when he didn’t apologize to you and promise he wouldn’t saw off your feet, being given a dessert was as good as any apology.

He smiled when you licked the smudged chocolate off your fingers, eventually tutting impatiently so your mother would take you to the bathroom to wash up. Afterwards, you found him looking at a map on the building’s outside wall, with a bright cherry red You Are Here sticker signifying where in this confusing picture you were supposed to be.

“There’s an observation point a few stops away from here. It’s supposed to be a really nice view over a valley. Y/N, do you want to be our navigator for those and help me decide when we should stop to look?”

Laced in there was his apology. An opportunity at redemption, connection. You’d nodded instantly and scrambled back into the car, no longer upset about having to share your space in the backseat with all the cargo, ready to take on your role as your father’s co-pilot.

You visited every observation point along that freeway that trip, all the way from the rest stop to the campground in some rural village. Some of the spots were lackluster, now overgrown and showing a view of a wall of trees and bushes and not some regal cavern or farmland below. But there were also the ones that, had you never insisted on visiting, you would have never seen half as much of the flora and fauna you’d expected to see on your camping trip. And it was the one major trip your family had ever had that made you all feel like a collective unit, ready to fight against the forces of grumpiness or foot-sawers together.

From that point on, whenever you saw the sign marker, you couldn’t help but feel a smile bloom on your face, which is why at this moment you are sitting next to Seokjin in his car, bundled up and stupidly beaming at him as he mirrors a happy but confused smirk back at you.

When he’d picked you up, Seokjin didn’t say much, just started driving north, through your neighborhood and into the rolling hills outside of the city. While this morning’s snow still clings to the trees and rooftops of some hillside buildings, surprisingly, the plows have done a good job of ensuring the road is safe and salted. You can feel the tense knots in your shoulders starting to lessen a little just from the feeling of being somewhere else for a while.

As you weave up the mountain side, toward the observation point, you gasp.

“What?” he asks. “What’s wrong?’ His eyes bulge from his head.

“It’s just that, I love observation points,” you say sheepishly, not sure if you should divulge your entire story.

Seokjin nods, thoughtful. “I like to come up here sometimes when I’ve had a really bad day. Just need to clear my head. Seemed like you needed to do that too.” The car curves along the bend, some of the wind fluttering clods of snow from the trees and onto the road.

“Yeah, I do…” You trail off, letting him take you higher into the mountain before pulling into the observation point. This one has some small cafés and despite the late hour and snowfall, there are still quite a few cars parked in the lot, some sets of families and couples strolling around with warm drinks and peering out onto the twinkling, snow-covered city below.

“How’s your head,” he asks gently, and it takes you a minute to remember what he’s referring to. You touch the make-up covered bruise and shrug.

“Eh, it’s not so bad.” Truly, as the day wears on, you are feeling a bit tender, but the swelling has gone down, and your worry has gone with it.

Seokjin opens your door for you, ever the gentleman, and you try to fight off the harsh tug in your chest that likens this behavior to a date.

The two of you head over toward one of the lookout points, leaning against the rail posts. You take in the rolling hills below, how soft and plush the city looks now, almost like it could never be a place where you feel sadness or loneliness. You sigh.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Seokjin begins gently, “but I was wondering what happened during your stream tonight.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” you assure him.

Maybe this conversation would feel more uncomfortable if you didn’t already feel so awful. You are just trying to feel a little bit better about this whole ordeal. Trying to find in you some nugget of comfort to ensure a more stable future. And hell, Seokjin had made it seem so easy. But now, you are humiliated. You aren’t sure how you are going to go live again and go back to how things were before when the internet is probably making a giant laughing stock of you, or fetishizing you. You’re not sure which one is worse.

“So, I know when we used to be, um, friends, I had mentioned to you that streaming is something I fell into. And as you also know from working with me, I don’t have the best social skills. Or I can, maybe, I don’t know. Anyway, I haven’t been liking it that much, really. Mostly because people in the chat always ask really personal questions about me and it feels weird. Like they’re real people but they can’t be real, to me. Does that make sense?”

He nods once, urging you to continue.

“Right, so, in all of this, I’ve been trying to think of ways to make it more fun for me. And last night I saw you-YouTuber. I saw this YouTube streamer and on his stream he just seemed so cool, and smart. And he was able to both stay engaged without telling everyone everything and had distance. But he also was kind of domin-strong, he was just really good at telling people to meet goals and incentives. And it worked, they did it. I thought, maybe this could help me be better at this so I don’t hate it so much. I could make some persona, do something different that helps me better enjoy it or make more money. I don’t know. It seems stupid now when I think about it.”

“It’s not stupid, Y/N,” Seokjin says, turning to you. Your eyes flit to his face. His nose is pinkish from the cold, and his broad shoulders are tightly bound up to his ears to avoid the chill from spreading.

“Of course you should like streaming, but if you don’t, if this isn’t the formula that works for you, then maybe you should try something different to help you.”

“How do you do it?” you ask, realizing too late what you are saying.

Seokjin freezes. “Do what?”

“Um, how do you maintain confidence all the time? Like at work and stuff.”

Seokjin scoffs. “I don’t. You know that. Weren’t you just with me last week when I was bowing and spluttering like an idiot to Mrs. Yoon because that one repair man backed his car over her potted azalea? I was anything but confident then.”

You fight a soft smile. Seokjin had been trying to scoop the twiggy, out of season bush into a bucket to salvage it before offering to replace it. Mrs. Yoon however, was having none of it, chirping on about how that plant had been germinated from her ancestors’ hillside home generations ago, and despite her choosing to carelessly plop it into a busy alleyway, she was sure there was no replacement that could soothe her aching heart. Seokjin handed her a wad of cash, and a gift certificate to the restaurant in an act of good faith. That seemed to shut her up.

“You know what I mean,” you nudge. “You have an ability to talk to people though. Even Mrs. Yoon can’t say no to your mother’s bossam recipe when you charm her like that.”

“First of all, no one can say no to my mother’s bossam recipe, regardless if I’m there to grovel or not. Secondly, you’re charming too, Y/N.”

You chortle at this. You? Charming? “Ha, I wish. But really, Seokjin. Half of that stream was an awkward setup and I thought I was going to puke. And not because of how I was dressed or anything like that. It’s so weird. I don’t really care about if people make comments like that about me because they’re impersonal. But knowing that I am sitting there, and everyone has some expectation of how I’m going to perform for them, it makes me feel awful.”

“Tell me about it,” you hear him mutter, but he then recovers. “It sounds like that crossed one of your boundaries, then. Just because some explicit stuff doesn’t bother you, doesn’t mean that nothing ever will. And it doesn’t have to make sense. You can not care if strangers are talking about you sexually but care if you’re engaging with them and using sexual innuendos to do so.”

Part of you is tempted to engage with the comment, to press him to explain and pretend that you have no idea what he’s speaking in regard to. But what good would that do here? Please Seokjin, can you share with me how being a gay sex cammer, which I absolutely already know about after watching you and masturbating to you, has impacted your life?

God, how mortifying it would be for you.

Instead, you let the comment go, cutting him enough slack so he can assume you didn’t hear him.

“You know, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Seokjin adds. You shoot him a look.

“I don’t really have much of a choice at this point! No offense, but it’s not like I’m making bank at the restaurant, and I already have chosen to withdraw from this term because of billing issues and–”

“You’re withdrawing from school? Y/N!” He yells, and you feel a heat of shame flood your cheeks as you see some scattered people shift their attention toward you.

Now you were both embarrassed and pissed. How dare he scold you?

“Not from school, just the term!” you yell back. You’d made the choice in your spiral this evening, in between bio breaks. It was haunting you as you stared back at the packet of financial aid papers and billings notices. Streaming, you’ve now seen, is such a hit or miss game. And you truly can’t maintain the expenses that can cut into your work hours. Especially if you need to get a different job that isn’t streaming or working at the restaurant.

“Is..is that where Spring Night Streams is coming from?” he asks, face flushed with embarrassment at his outburst. Your anger dulls.

“Partially. This felt like some way to sustain myself without it draining me. I thought maybe if I look pretty, people won’t just come and try to either ask me super personal things I don’t want to share, or they’ll just feed into basically the illusion of sex and pay me that way. And I can continue to play games and suck at them or be good at them, but the original reason behind why they came to my stream could be replaced with a different person, someone who isn’t so closely trying to dig into me.

“But, then I fumbled the bag, and you saw it. The viewer count was fluctuating so bad, and the second I interacted with that one comment, suddenly I was toeing the line for TOS and could easily have jeopardized my entire branding and be permanently banned from the website for sexual activity. Tonight was one of the lowest payouts I’ve made since I started. And now I know too, this could all just as easily go away if I’m not being…I don’t know. Compliant.”

Seokjin makes a dissatisfied grunt, his breath coming out in a white puff. Now past eleven, most of the couples and families have dispersed, and the cute café that had advertised decadent looking hot chocolates is closed. The only thing remaining open is the tiny convenient store.

You try to suppress a shiver but fail.

“Come on,” he says, guiding you away from the railing and toward the store.

Inside, the shopkeeper doesn’t even flinch or look away from his phone, which is streaming some sports match in Spanish.

Seokjin places his hand on the small of your back as he guides you over to the drinks section, gesturing for you to select something from the warm options.

“I wouldn’t recommend anything pre-made,” he warns, his voice low. “That stuff has probably been here since this morning.” He helps himself to a tea packet and the hot water dispenser.

You browse a little and find a packet of hot chocolate. While it may not be the fancy, marshmallow delight pink drink that the café had advertised in their window, this will do just fine.

By the time you’ve gotten your drink mixed together, Seokjin is waiting for you at the counter, a selection of different snacks piled high and a gentle smile on his face despite how bothered and grumpy the shop worker is toward him, practically smashing the food into a bag and muttering a total.

You hadn’t given yourself a chance to really look at him before, but as he stands before you, you can finally take in how incredible he looks. While he’s wearing some gray joggers underneath, he’s elected for a long black puffer coat and green knit sweater and somehow looks so put together, so…boyfriend.

Your heart flutters a bit and you try to tamp it down. This isn’t a date, you remind yourself, Get a hold of yourself Y/N.

As you head back out into the chilly air, you both settle into a table outside of the convenience store, and Seokjin pulls the snacks out of the bag, all of which are your favorites.

“You remembered?” you ask, a little stunned that he would commit all your tiny convenience store runs to memory over the months you’ve worked together and would split packets of sweet potato puffs and tiny, sweet cakes. He shrugs.

“Morale is low. You need the boost. Now pass me some of those chips, I’m starving.”

Your stomach growls in agreement, and you pop open the bag, nibbling away quietly.

“You don’t need to people please to be a good streamer,” Seokjin says finally, rinsing his mouth with his tea. You chew your bottom nervously but wait for him to continue. “There’s tons of people on the internet who do streaming for all kinds of uh, stuff. And they make a ton of money without compromising their values to do so. Maybe instead of focusing on what you think people want in a stream, do what you want instead.”

You sigh. “See, that sounds great and all, but when I tried that today, people got mad and left. Did you see all the donations trying to get me to say things or do stuff after that first one?”

Seokjin rolls his eyes, taking a big bite of a chocolate cake thing and chewing diligently. “Welrr,” he begins, his mouth stuffed full, “I guesh you have to undershtand dat peepo on dee internet will always chewz sex first to get what dey wan.” He swallows. “And if that doesn’t work because someone sets a boundary, fuck them.” He pauses. “Not literally!” A blush creeps up his neck.

You laugh. “I thought you limited your swearing to mostly angry kitchen interactions,” you say, and sip the watery hot chocolate. You wince.

“You chose wrong with that hot chocolate. I’ll make it up to you next time.” Next time. Your stomach leaps.

“But you don’t see it because I’m trying to maintain a professional air most of the time. But I say shit, piss, cock and fuck pretty regularly.” Like when you’re camming, you mentally note.

“Yeah, so, speaking of that. And boundaries. This isn’t really the most professional boss-employee relationship happening right now.” You gesture around you. You didn’t want to say it, but you know it needs to be addressed. Seokjin and you really need to figure out a new set of rules, especially now you know what he does after dark, and he’s watching your streams, too.

He pauses and sighs. “Shit, yeah, you’re right. Look Y/N, I do want to talk about that. And we can address it. But before we do, I want to finish talking to you about what happened earlier today. Can we do a brief boss-employee dynamic halt for the rest of the time we’re up here? I want to talk to you as a friend right now, which we once were, even if it was for a short time. Will you let me do that?”

You look up at him, and he’s gazing back with intensity, and also something that looks almost like desperation.

“Okay,” you say. “For the rest of the time we’re out of the city. We are just two people. Friends. Not boss. Not an employee. Just us.”

He smiles at that. “Yeah, just us.”

Seokjin tried to not kick himself in his own ass for doing what he was doing now. Bringing you up here, to his safe place, was far too intimate of a decision. But when he’d watched the rest of your stream, watched you do stuff that– while he couldn’t be absolutely sure but he could assume– tested your boundaries and comfort, he knew he couldn’t just let you spiral by yourself.

He’d been there before. During a show earlier in his cam career, Seokjin was once asked to try a more extreme kink on his stream which involved a thin metal rod that he would push into his urethra for pleasure.

He’d agreed to try it before he’d even looked it up, and even when purchasing the equipment, he’d felt really queasy and knew he would hate it. But he’d promised, which he now understood was a fake law people set for themselves to push them past their limits. On the stream where he tested it out, he started shaking and crying, stopping before he could even open the package with the rods in it and ended his stream early.

From then on, he had spent more time learning about kinks and BDSM. It was much more psychological and technical than he’d realized, with precise and careful movements, components of care, and more thoughtfulness than he’d ever really learned from porn or the internet.

While he and Soon Yi had been exploratory in their sex life, it wasn’t like they’d ever done proper research when they were together. Looking at things now, he felt a little sickened knowing she could have gotten seriously hurt the times he choked her, not knowing the right placement of hands or pressure to make sure he didn’t cause permanent damage.

Seokjin then reassessed his boundaries. He never wanted to position himself on his streams where he would succumb to pressure for money and compromise his own safety or desire. This was supposed to be fun.

The main tenets of BDSM are safe, sane, and consensual, which is hard to define on the internet. When something is leaked or found by the wrong party, it can especially compromise consent. With a permanent imprint of something existing once agreed upon, at any point someone’s right to withdraw consent can be invalidated simply because there’s a paper trail. And if that happened, then safety and sanity were sure to be called into question too.

Which is why Seokjin couldn’t stay silent after he saw you drawing breath after shaky breath after the first exchange with that follower. The instant regret that bloomed on your face as you so easily traded your comfort to make money, he never wanted you to feel that or experience it again.

Which is why you now sat before him, the residual makeup from your stream still there but smeared, a thin looking peacoat doing a lot of work to protect you from the elements. This is why he said dress warm. Why were you wearing a glorified blazer in this weather?

He knew his time was limited with you, and that yes, he was already compromising this boundary that he’d set. But boundaries could be redrawn, and in this moment, he didn’t want the only thing protecting you right now to be that peacoat. He needed to protect you too.

Granted, you probably were questioning his qualifications in this, and for a brief moment he considered telling you, but he quickly dismissed the idea when he remembered the video of him cumming and saying your name existed on his page if you’d ever gotten curious. Behind a paywall, sure, but it was there.

No, for now, it was Seokjin and Y/N, friends. Us, he thought, and his pulse quickened unhelpfully.

You sat in front of him, sipping at that awful hot chocolate, waiting for him to deliver more of his advice. He hesitated to speak more. Here you were, attention fully focused on him, and the dependence on him to get you home tonight, to move back into a world that wasn’t just you two and your own little universe, and all Seokjin was doing was considering how long he could carry on the pause.

Maybe he would never speak again, and you would have to stay here forever, on top of the mountain as the snow began to gently fall around you two like you both lived in your own private snow globe.

Wait, snow? Seokjin blinked, and sure enough the flakes were swirling around you both again, the wind kicking up your hair. You let out a sharp shiver, and that broke the fantasy of staying here.

He ushered you back to the car, where now the snow was coming down in thick, heavy globs that signified the moisture in the air had increased, which made sense. Back in the city, the forecast had said it was set to rain, but he’d forgotten elevation impacts the weather, and that the change of moisture in the air also could result in ice on the way down.

As you warmed your hands in front of his heat vents, he tried to think of his next move. It was now after midnight, which meant the road authority was probably not planning on plowing the roads anytime soon, and the accumulation quickly erasing the parking lot around you was a sure sign that it soon would be unsafe to drive.

If you stay here any longer, you might be stuck together all night, an evil idea glinted through his head, and he felt a pulse of desire run through him as he caught a whiff of your soft, sweet scent.

It would be kind of hot, the two of you snuggled in the backseat of his SUV, you clinging to him tightly to keep yourself warm through the storm as you used his parka as a blanket, the windows fogging up to give you two privacy as you moved tighter together, panting into each other’s mouths when you rubbed up against him and–

No. He couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t. Urging his steadily inflating erection down, he glanced over to you, noticing you were still shivering.

He sighed. God, why did he have to get hard right now, in gray sweatpants no less? Nothing screamed “boner alert” more than seeing a dick swelling in light colored sweats. But you were still cold, and he decided he would rather risk you seeing him hard than your teeth chattering or you getting sick.

Seokjin removed his puffer, handing it to you. “Here, put this on,” he ordered, and you looked at him, a tremor rocking through your body as you tried to eke out a “thank you”.

You began to put the puffer over your peacoat, but Seokjin shook his head. “I think your peacoat is useless right now. Maybe you should take that off and just wear mine. And then, consider getting a new coat,” he teased.

You hesitated. “Uh,” you said. Seokjin’s eyebrow raised, and he swiftly adjusted himself in his joggers while you looked down at your coat before sighing and unbuttoning it.

Fuck. You still had on that same top from earlier, and Seokjin could now see that it wasn’t just a sexy, low cut top that showed your heavy and full breasts, but that it also had a large keyhole cutout through the back, which meant you didn’t wear a bra with it. He bit his lip as he took in your hard and prominent nipples. God, no wonder you were cold. You were practically naked.

His cock twitched, and any attempts he had at concealing his erection were useless. He was now definitely going to be fully hard for the rest of the drive.

You zipped yourself into Seokjin’s puffer and let out a satisfied sigh as you nuzzled into the warmth. Seokjin took the opportunity to snatch your peacoat from your lap and drape it over himself, praying that would help conceal some of the compass-pointing-north bullshit he was trying to stave off.

Unfortunately, you snuggled into his coat was just making it worse.

Clearing his throat, he started the car, and slowly began testing the surface of the parking lot. It was a little slick, but nothing too bad. If you stayed any longer, though, you would definitely be here overnight.

With a silent, sad nod to the outlook point, Seokjin prepared himself to head back to reality, where your moment of connection would be replaced by workplace congeniality.

About halfway down the mountain, the snow surely turned to a heavy rain, aggressively battering down on the windshield and making it nearly impossible to find the lines on the road.

“I’m sorry, I think I should pull over,” he apologized and you agreed easily, your shoulders relaxing a bit as he pulled over to the side of the road.

“Well, we never really got to finish talking about stuff anyway,” you offered generously.

Seokjin smirked back. “Yeah, we didn’t. Look, what I wanted to say earlier was that with streaming, you shouldn’t have to compromise on what you want to be successful. If people leave your stream because they can’t hear you baby voice their requests so they can get off, then fuck them. They aren’t the community of people you want to watch your content, anyway. Those are the type of people who are never satisfied, who will just demand more from you. Sooner or later they’ll be less kind and be aggressive and threatening. And you don’t deserve that, Y/N.”

He sucked in a breath. “You just need a chance to build confidence, that’s all. Assuming you even want to continue doing these streams. I know you said you don’t feel like you have much of a choice, but maybe I could help you out. Uh, I could give you a raise or something so you could quit! And with school, too, I’m sure we could figure out something! Maybe if it’s not too late you could go back and––”

You held up your hands, signaling for Seokjin to stop talking.

“I’ve made up my mind! And I don’t think giving me a raise or trying to help me with school would be a great way of maintaining that boundary we are supposed to have, remember? Something tells me a boss isn’t supposed to offer his employee an undeserved pay raise for her personal issues.” You huff.

You were right. Seokjin chuckled. “Okay, fair. I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to throw everything away like I did.”

You whipped your head over to him. “Listen, Seokjin. I appreciate that you care and don’t want things to happen to me. But I’m also not you. And you also didn’t throw everything away but that’s another topic completely, one I thought we discussed yesterday morning. Regardless, I’m getting a lot of mixed messages here and I need you to help me understand what exactly is happening right now. Are you my friend or my boss? Because right now it feels like you’re telling me what to do like you are in charge of me but hiding it behind the guise of friendship and that’s not how this works. So explain. Ideally before you drop me off and we don’t speak again until Monday.”

Seokjin swallowed hard, an anxiousness beginning to swirl in your stomach. This whole conversation felt like it was going south really quick. He scrambled to steady himself and took a deep breath.

“You’re right,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He hadn’t styled it today, and the black strands were sticking to his forehead from the melted snow. “I’m sorry. You have every right to decide. And you’d said before that this was a temporary pause. And even if it wasn’t, that’s also your choice.”

“Again, yes, you’re right. But I also don’t see why you seem to care so much!” Your volume raised in annoyance and you crossed your arms over your chest in a puff. “You don’t get to decide I’m some soft little flower who can’t advocate for herself! Like yeah, I feel shitty about what I did but I’m just trying to figure out my boundaries, just like you said earlier! So yes, I have the right to decide if I want to go back to school or not! Thanks for pointing that out!”

If he hadn’t been getting chewed out right now by you, Seokjin would’ve thought you were the cutest thing he’d ever seen, your mouth settled into a sharp frown and your eyebrows knit together as you argued with him.

Instead though, he felt like a jackass. He’d seriously overstepped in his attempts to protect you, and guilt washed through him as he realized he was placing himself into your shoes. Even if your situations were scarily similar, you still had the right to do what you wanted without his interference. Besides, his intention was to provide safety for you, not control. Maybe he’d underestimated you earlier and how you were utilizing your stream. Yes, you were uncomfortable, but it’s not like you were a child who was set to be taken advantage of, or that you’d make the same mistakes he would.

“I-I care about you, Y/N. We’re friends. I know being your boss changed a lot, and while I sign your paycheck and have to give you orders, it’s not like that change in role made me care less. It’s not that easy.”

You uncrossed your arms. “But,” you started, your tone softening, “you can’t both tell me what to do as my boss and tell me what to do as a friend. I’m not clocked in, Seokjin. And that’s why this is so fucking hard. Because my boss is the one who took me up a mountain after apologizing to me yesterday for his “gross misuse of power” when I’m the one who kissed you sitting on a fucking prep counter! And yeah, we were friends before you were my boss, and that means I learned to work with you and trust you as my coworker, and we shared interests so you can watch my streams and tell me about MapleStory. We have history and it’s not something we can deny. But you keep acting like I am not in control, like I am not an adult.

“I would love it if we could stay on this mountain forever,” you added, taking the words Seokjin was thinking earlier and making them real, “because, maybe then we could just stay friends. I miss you as my friend! And I wouldn’t feel so…weird now trying to figure out which guy, Boss Seokjin or Friend Seokjin, is talking to me.”

Seokjin was unsure what to say, just that he knew he’d fucked up yesterday not just with his behavior in the kitchen, but ultimately how he set boundaries with you.

“I don’t know what to do about it, Y/N,” he said weakly, honestly.

“Can I then offer a suggestion?” Your voice sounded frustrated, on the verge of yelling. He nodded.

“On this mountain, right now. You are my friend. And any other time when we aren’t at work, we are friends. We are not the first two people who started a friendship and had a power dynamic at work. I don’t know what happened in your past that makes this so hard for you, and you don’t need to tell me. But whatever you said yesterday, it wasn’t true. I want you to trust me when I say you didn’t take advantage of me. Was it kind of stupid and inappropriate on both our parts? Sure. But I’m not this weak, breakable thing. You said so yourself with my boundary-setting for my stream that I just need confidence to assert myself and make sure I don’t get taken advantage of. So let me start with you. Help me start with you.”

You leaned a little closer and Seokjin’s heart beat erratically. “I promise, Kim Seokjin, that whatever happened in the kitchen yesterday was consensual. At least on my end. And that I do hold you in regard as my boss during work hours most of the time. But I can’t fucking stand if you continue to uphold this standard when you talk to me as an authority and then immediately pull a hypocritical move and try to be my friend after. It’ll drive me crazy.”

Your voice was shaky now, like you were holding back tears. Seokjin fought the urge to pull you close to him, but god, how he wanted to.

“What you do need,” he asked and you sighed.

“Clear communication. On both sides. No more deciding for me. On anything. If I say no at work, it’s just as valid as saying no in private, even if it’s something you think is what’s best for me. Even if you don’t like it. Because you don’t know what really is or isn’t until I tell you.” He nodded in agreement.

“I can do that. And I’m sorry again, for how confusing this must’ve been. I acted selfishly when I decided that my position as your boss overruled and negated any of our history. It was never going to be as clean as I wanted it to be,” he apologized.

You managed a sad smile but nodded, a sign you accepted his apology.

“Thank you. And also, I do want to continue doing the streams. I didn’t get to say that before. I do want to try after dark stuff. Because it feels like it could be fun, could help me stay involved but less personal if that makes sense. And…” You trailed off, humming to yourself as you tried to find the words for your final thought.

“I really would like it if I could have your help in this. To help coach me in a way to maintain that boundary. You did have some really great points on execution. And I think maybe your experience in cam-leadership and management could help me both continue doing this but also finding what I want. And I need a friend for that. Not a boss or manager.”

Seokjin’s eyes widened as he caught the last of what you were saying.

“Wait,” he said, trying to put the pieces together. Were you asking what he thought you were asking? “So…you want me to help you run an adult-only, after dark gaming stream?” You laughed.

“I need you to be my confidence coach,” you clarified. “Help me learn how to say no to my fanbase and keep myself calm throughout a stream so I don’t compromise. And like, I don’t know. We can iron out the details, the idea is so fresh to me, but I need you, my caring friend Seokjin, to make sure I don’t break the terms of service again and ban me from streaming.”

He blinked a few times, unsure how you’d arrived at the conclusion that he would be any good at this.

But Seokjin knew he would be. He did this multiple times a week, and it’s how he knew you were heading toward trouble. What if he could help you learn how to protect yourself? Because you were right, you didn’t need anyone to save you. But you maybe needed someone to show you. And he could be that person.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll do it.”

As Seokjin pulls up to your apartment nearly an hour later, you feel a slight sadness that your night is over. On the way home, as the rain steadily poured and the city lights came back into a clear view, you’d felt a tug of worry in your gut that because you were back in the city, your agreement to stay friends wasn’t real, and that any moment Seokjin would be cold and formal, withdrawing his agreement to help you with streaming.

You’d had the idea in the car in somewhat of an epiphany, sorting through the confusing dynamic you’d been shoved into. It made sense to you, now. Instead of trying to model yourself after the master, why not learn from the man himself?

Despite your initial anxiety that he would back out, Seokjin if anything is all the more reassuring, gently nudging you with your peacoat in his hands to signal it is time to trade. You nod sleepily, shrugging it off your shoulders and trying to ignore the disappointment you have in no longer being enveloped in his warm scent.

As you tuck your arms back through your sleeves, Seokjin gets out of his side of the car, the rain still beating harshly, but he appears even more determined to open your door for you, opening an umbrella to keep you and your coat from getting pounded on.

You try to insist on sharing the umbrella, but Seokjin shakes his head, guiding you forward toward your apartment complex’s front door.

“Thank you,” you say as you step under the lip of the roof with him, smiling up at Seokjin, who is already soaked. His black hair is piecey and dripping down his face, plastering a few disheveled pieces across his forehead. “God, you really should’ve used the umbrella too! You’re drenched!”

Seokjin laughs a hearty laugh, the squeaky, windshield wiper one that makes your chest burn. “Please, that coat you’re wearing is pathetic. I had said dress for the warmth and you picked one of the worst things you could find. Even a standard issue blazer has more weather resistance than that thing!”

“Excuse you, but this coat most of the time is fine. And also, I thought you were just saying it as a formality! If I’d known we were heading into a literal mountain I would have changed my clothes!” You bicker back, your laughter filling the space between you two.

“Yeah, well, now you know for next time,” he says, eyes flickering with something you almost categorize as lust.

You beam. This time the idea of next time feels possible. If Seokjin and you can work on these weird work boundaries, there might be a hope something comes from this after all. Unless he’s gay, which you still can’t quite figure out, but you try not to think about that as he shakes his head like a big dog.

“Okay, Sparky,” you joke and glance down at your phone. It’s very late now, and your body is quickly succumbing to the exhaustion of the day. “I’ll see you Monday?”

Seokjin’s shoulders sag, and he sighs, stepping back into the rain. “Yeah, I should probably let you go now. I’ll see you on Monday. And Y/N?”

His lips turn into a smug smirk as the rain soaks through his clothes. “Don’t forget that you promised me a crate of julienned carrots”.

#bts smut #seokjin smut #jin smut #kim seokjin #seokjin x reader #seokjin #bts fanfic #ksj #ksj x reader #ksj smut #ksj fic

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hollyhomburg · 2 years

Text

Before I Leave you (Pt. 39)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Tae comes out, you confront jin about the mating marks, and jimin gets a forest sized stick shoved up his ass (not literally)

Pairings: Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin, Beta! Yoongi,

Tags: Angst, hurt/comfort, Verbal arguments, Shame, Dysphoria, coming out, overly involved metaphors, talk of god/religion, Trans characters, Trauma, implied PTSD, talks of the m/c’s past suicide attempt in chapter 5, talk of sexuality, Pansexual! Jimin, implied autistic! Jimin, meltdowns,

W/c: 7.7k

A/n: Sorry in advance for being a meanie~ (author continues to be not sorry at all~) i will try my best to update next weekend as well so this cliffhanger doesn’t leave you wanting too much

Previous Chapter- Masterlist

(20 years prior, Jimin)

The sun is burning much too hot for the end of September- although the children in the schoolyard would never think to comment on it. Too busy chasing after kickballs like small brightly color planets and shouting ‘tag you’re it!” as loud as they can. Every inch of happiness accompanied by little feet pattering across the parking lot like the first fallen leaves of autumn. The cold hasn’t hit them yet.

The woods wait at the edge of the playground, an impenetrable fortress of green. Full of spiky bushes and icky things. Here, where civilization is butted right up against the edge of the wilderness, safety is carefully cultivated within chain link fences. Anything to keep the fun in and the fear out.

Two children sit on the swings apart from all the rest. The chains are rusty and squeaky but no less loved. Jimin loves to watch the forest move. He loves to watch the trees blur like faraway monsters dancing, lifting their silvery leaves to the wind and showing their undersides.

Tae knows Jimin likes it so that’s where they always sit, side by side like this at recess.

Although their relationship is not without their exchange, Jimin smiles down at his light-up shoes as he listens to Tae talk. Tae looks handsome as usual in his Pokémon tee-shirt- his chubby face already belying the beauty that he’ll have when he’s older. Jimin can see it, can feel the pitter-patter of his heart in response to it.

He might not know what love is yet, but he’s learning.

Tae sways the way that trees do at a distance, his movements all graceful. He knows Tae will be beautiful when he's older the same way he knows his parents are going to get divorced one day; his mother spends hours in the bathroom, plying and stretching and picking at the barely forming wrinkles on her face.

Aphrodite has a way of letting you know when she’s there, whether in hatred or in love.

Tae has told Jimin the Greek myths time and time again; he likes the tale of Achilles the best. But Jimin can’t read yet so Tae reads to him, Jimin always asks to hear the tale of Orpheus because that’s Tae’s favorite.

Jimin and Taehyung aren’t JiminandTaehyung yet, they won’t be for a few years more. But for now, Jimin watches Tae talk about his most recent book, cupids touch in every little blink.

“And then he just like- pulled him from the dragon’s mouth right before it could snap shut. It was kind of gross to read but I promise Minnie it was so romantic!”

Tae says it like it’s quite possibly the best thing. Like he’s just said, “I’ve won the lottery” or “I’ve saved the last fruit snack package for you” or, “my mom and your mom said we can move into the same room, we spend so much time with each other anyway, why should we dream in separate places when you are my dream?”

(Although the first is equally as unlikely as the last. Jimin and Taehyung’s parents continue to be a thorn in their sides and only let them have sleepovers twice a week during the school year.)

“You like reading a lot of books like that” Jimin comments, “books where the alpha’s a boy and the omega’s a boy.” Tae’s eyes are mini smiles when he glances up, drawing what looks to be a dragon’s tooth in the dirt with the edge of his shoe.

“Really?”

Jimin doesn’t say anything, doesn’t say what he wants struggling with his words the same way he always does (the same way that has his teachers exchanging pitying glances.)

“Do you like boys?” he blurts, and when Tae looks up, his cheeks are their normal color, not ruddy or pink like cupid might have kissed his skin. Not like Jimin who feels his cheeks flaming. “-Because I was thinking the other day when you asked me if I had a crush on any of the girls in our class, and I- I think I like boys.”

“Oh,” Tae says, “that’s okay, I think I like boys too.”

Taehyung’s mind dips, thinking thoughts of 'he doesn't like girls. But that's okay because Taehyung can be a boy if Jimin wants a boy.’ and Jimin’s mind gathers up thoughts of omega Tae and alpha Jimin and casts them in a Greek myth. Tae the omega in a pretty purple skirt- back when boy omegas didn’t dress like boys yet. And Jimin hums, satisfied by his daydream.

Later that night when his mother makes him pray (because Jimin’s mother is always making him do that) Jimin asks very very sincerely, as honestly as a 6-year-old can muster.

He perches on the edge of his lightning McQueen bedspread and whispers his small hopes to the heavens above. Starts that shine in all their coldness and give nothing easy to the boy below.

"Dear god. I’ve been thinking; I’ve got in mind some improvements you could make.

If you have a choice make me an alpha and TaeTae an omega. Whatever you do- don’t make us the same, please. I want to have Tae with me for a long long time and the world has a way of separating things that are the same. So please- if you do exist- make us different."

There wasn’t anything divine in that little bedroom, but I guess in a wicked way, god insisted.

~-~

(Now, You)

Sometime later, when the sun has dipped below the horizon and Jimin’s tireless pacing has stopped, you and Tae ready yourselves for what waits outside of the library room.

You stand in the half darkness barely a few inches apart, enswathed in the comfort you steal from each other regularly and know that it can’t last for long. Doomed and Starcrossed. The 8 by 10 walls that have been your safe place to be torn down soon, the resting place for this secret all vacant.

It’s all operating on borrowed time. After tonight everything will change (and only time will tell if it will be for the better.)

So you wait for just a few minutes more, and spend just a little longer enjoying each others company. You don’t want to let go of this just yet. You press yourself all along Tae’s side to comfort her and she shakes harder when your hands retract from her waist.

(Something about the space has you convinced that’s where your hands belong. You can’t deny that you’re drawn to the inches of honey skin above her hipbones. You have a way of knowing what parts of Tae don’t make her as dysphoric as the rest. Your touch like a breath of wind to a flame making her burn brighter.)

She pets over the back of your head as you look up at her. Cheek squished against her chest, “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

“I think I will be, just-” her hand wraps with yours, her thumb rubbing over the back of it, warm and small and so so important. “Don’t let go, okay?”

“Never,” you promise.

You give her hand a single squeeze in promise and step forward to open the door (because you know Tae’s not strong enough to open it on her own) letting the light and the noise of tense conversations slip in. Tugging her unwilling form out into the open.

The pack is stands around the kitchen island in varying positions of distress. Usually by this time of night dinner would be underway; steam would be gathering in a haze above the burners, and half of the sink would be filled with cutting boards (because Jin somehow always manages to use every one of them when cooking). But instead, the light hangs too bright after your time spent in the darkness, the fluorescences stark and the air heavy with the scent of your packmates distress.

Hobi is the only one sitting, head in his hands and his fingers threaded in his dark hair. Namjoon’s hand hovers on his shoulder and squeezes at it lightly, fingers itching towards a scruff. Jin looks like he’s been through it, his shirt unbuttoned and his hair sticking up in the back, far from his usual vision of omega grace and beauty.

Hobi smells as unhappy as he did the night you almost left; the night where broken glass glittered on the floor where Yoongi stands now. Maybe you should have regarded it as a promise of more to come, but you’ve never believed in omens.

Jimin isn’t much better, twitching with wild jerky movements, anxiety made alive, Jungkook tries to talk to him and calm him down. the omega cups his cheeks, speaking to him in that low happy way that jungkook speaks when he’s nesting, but you can tell just from watching him for a few seconds that it’s having the opposite effect on Jimin.

Jimin needs something to bite, he’s biting his lip so hard it looks like he’s going to tear through it. Your mate is the first one to notice your reappearance, his head jerking in your direction.

You and Hobi make eye contact and it darts away as quickly as it came. His cheeks look puffy- like he’s been crying, and the guilt threatens to swallow you like a tidal wave.

It’s a good thing Jimin doesn’t immediately notice the closing of the door, his back to it. His words make you feel winded, “-So they’re mated- no shit.” Jimin says, “I don’t get why it’s a big deal.”

He can be a bit brutal sometimes, words like a blunt knife with the way that his brain makes sense of things. He’s so strung out on worry that his whole body shakes, everything from his knees knocking to his blonde hair trebling, all messed up like he’s been tugging at it.

Jungkook sighs when Jimin’s hands curl around his wrists and he pulls his hands away from his face, he stands with his shoulders curled in, watching Jimin like he’s waiting for him to break. “We have bigger problems like Tae- He’s-“

You shift your weight from one foot to another and Jimin whirls, eyes settling on Tae like she's the first bit of sunlight slipping over the horizon after a long long night.

Jin sips at his water from the sink, every little movement belying his anger. But it's flagging, forced and in-genuine. Jin will have to let it go sooner rather than later but you have more important things to focus on as Jimin stumbles to Tae’s side and the rest of the pack quiets.

“Tae baby- just tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it- is it about the marks-“ his voice goes a little less frantic, a little more measured. He reaches out to touch her and lets out a heartbreaking whine when Tae flinches back from her soulmate's touch.

You never thought you'd have to step between the two of them, but you find yourself doing just that. Hiding Tae from view because she already looks like she wants to dash back inside the library room and hide some more.

Jimin’s eyes flicker down to yours just briefly but he doesn’t look angry about it- no- if you had to pick one word to describe Jimin’s look it would be impressed. But there isn’t space for much else but panic when it comes to Tae’s sadness and Jimin's tireless anxiety.

Maybe it should hurt more, the fact that Jimin doesn’t really care about you right now. (But maybe you’d be a hypocrite if you complained because Tae is also your priority).

Jungkook huffs, “Would you stop hyper-fixating on Tae for a second” and remember that you have 6 other packmates he means to say, but you send him a single withering look. You don’t think that anyone needs to cut Jimin down more, this is hard enough. Jimin barely even turns at Jungkook’s bitten words.

“No, it’s not that. I’ve known about the marks for a while.” (The night you exchanged your secrets holds a special place in Tae's heart. Tae hadn’t been prepared to give you anything- much less the love that burns through her now. But that hadn’t stopped you giving her your all.)

Tae’s confession makes more than one packmate straighten up, Jin narrows his eyes accusingly but avoids your gaze.

Tae’s glance down at you is more steadying than you’d ever admit. Makes you feel surer as you square your stance against Jimin. You reach to touch Jimin’s hand, stopping at the last second letting him decide if he wants to touch your right now, after a second he moves to take it, although his worn palms feel clammy.

“Minnie, would you just come and sit for a second? Can we just- can we talk?”

Jimin has eyes for only Tae- but it’s Jin who sighs after a breath, quieting Minnie with a touch to his shoulder. You wish people would stop touching Jimin without asking right now, everything about his body-language indicates someone who doesn’t want to be touch.

Jin looks at you from under his bangs, not saying a word. The cold hurt in his eyes startles you. It’s not quite detached, but you have never seen Jin so quiet with his sadness before nor have you ever been in a position with him where you can’t offer comfort.

Every footstep he makes towards the table has your anxiety climbing higher and higher. He pulls out two chairs, the shrill sound of the legs dragging on the wood loud in the quiet, and gestures for you and Tae to sit.

You gulp.

The silence is heavy, punctuated by listless murmurs and the quieter squeaks of the other chairs as you all sit. No one dares disobey the pack omega right now. Yoongi sits on your side at the head of the table and Tae sits on the other. Jungkook takes the other seat beside Tae between him and Namjoon at his usual spot at the other head of the table. Jimin, Hobi, and Jin file in at the opposite side, an impenetrable wall of anxious scents.

Jimin looks like he's going to jump out of his skin, too much feeling rocketing through his little body to keep still. Next to him, Hobi folds his arms. Jin starts to retort something and start on the mating marks but you interrupt him.

“What Tae and I need to tell you is more important to you than any of that- I promise. Would you mind just sitting for a second?” It takes no small amount of bravery for you to keep Jin's eye contact even as he glares.

He’s angry, but it doesn’t make him any less in love or proud of you, any other day he'd be beaming to see you stick up for yourself like this, Jin looks away to sate his mounting guilt. Minnie’s knee jumps up and down rapidly under the table, listlessly stimming. Your mate sends you a tiny look, just a furrowed brow in confusion.

Because Yoongi doesn’t know this secret either, this one will be just yours and Tae’s for only a second longer. You straighten your back- begging yourself to be strong- to do this well for her.

You sit at the table in silence for a few seconds and it’s hard not to just come out and say it, to rip off the metaphorical band-aid. The sentence ‘Tae is transgender’ hovers on the tip of your tongue.

If you ever had to wonder if your love made a difference, it’s now as Tae sits up straighter. She looks like she’s trying to be brave, a girl growing into her thorns. Your knuckles are white with how hard she’s squeezing them.

Jin isn’t looking at you. Jin isn’t looking at you at all and it makes you angry. The overhead lights buzz in the quiet, and Jin’s ire distracts you from your primary purpose in this- which is to help Tae come out.

Your voice comes quieter than you thought it would when you finally speak. “When I first came here- when I first met you all I was so terrified.”

It’s a confession, but not the one they’d been expecting. Your sudden honesty eases more than one tense packmate as you tip your face, closing your eyes to better remember the fear. You’d been so paralyzed the first few times you’d met them. For the first time since finding out about the mating mark Jin looks at you without anger clouding his eyes.

“Terrified that you’d hate me for everything I did to you- what I took from you without even knowing you- that you’d want to hurt me for it- take your pick. You couldn’t count the things I was scared of, but I wasn’t scared that you wouldn’t like me for who I was. That was easy to count on.”

The room is as quiet as a tomb when you look at them through heavy-lidded eyes. Quiet with your anguish because it has never mattered much to you. maybe its a testament to how much love has changed you because Jin’s lack of concern stings as he remains unreadable.

Your eyes lock with his and you lean over the table. “I know you love us but I don’t think you get it Jin, I think you play all high and mighty but you don’t fucking understand. Do you know that I begged Yoongi to let me die? Rather than let him mark me?”

Jin looks away, Namjoon makes a strained noise in his throat- half a growl half a noise of discomfort. Hobi stays quiet. Tae’s hand goes harder in yours. It’s one thing to know and another to hear you say it.

A cold chill settles over the room and no one feels it as strongly as you and Yoongi. “Would you rather that have happened Jin? Because I would have. I wanted to. Yoongi and the mark is the only reason why I'm still breathing."

“Pup-” He starts, but you interrupt him again, this time it doesn’t get you a glare.

“If you want to be angry that i’m alive- get in line. But I don’t want to hear it. I can’t-” Yoongi takes your other hand. Smoothing over your knuckles with both of his, Tae tugs her chair closer to yours so that your hips touch.

Hoseok sits watching you. There is a furious sort of honesty in your face, people don't lie and joke about these things, but you're so factual with it. laying it out in stark terms because to describe how it was with any emotion is to surrender yourself to the flood of it. Hobi knows better than most how unfair it can be, unable to feel what you want to feel.

The memory runs through him- you in the front seat of Jimin's car, looking breakable and worn. ‘Do I really even want this life if it's going to be this way? When it hardly feels like I’m living at all.’

You’ve never said it out loud- you’ve never told them of your weakest moment like this. Was it a moment of true weakness? Or one of pure strength? To keep going when everything told you not to.

Everything but Yoongi.

Jin can handle a lot of things but hearing you say that isn’t one of them, Jin feels like he’s going to cry for every reason and no reason at all. The feelings in him all cut up and finely minced. All the guilt and wanting and hurt a mixed bowl of ingredients with no soup to be added to. Too much love and not enough anger, not like before. Jin feels it melt away as he watches you and Yoongi.

“I’m sorry.” Jin says, inhaling unevenly like he’s trying not to cry.

He’s never seen you like this before, and the second the words slipped from your lips the same second he wish he’d never reacted. He wishes he’d never found the key to the upstairs, that he’d never thought to be angry at you for this.

It’s a reminder not to think with your instincts first if anything, Jin reacted without the proper information and although you don’t look like you’re going to hold it against him- he almost wishes you might. But pain can’t always pay for pain, now when you love someone. You hurting Jin won’t make him feel any less guilty.

Which is why you ignore his apology.

You still don't know how to think about it, what you almost did. But whatever death brings you doubt you'd have been quite so happy as you are here;

You wouldn't have had the soft kisses pressed to your forehead every morning, you wouldn't know what it felt like to wake up and be safe. You wouldn't have had felt laughter and happiness that built its way into your chest the same way love builds other works of art. You wouldn't have Tae.

Every minute spent living in this house has been a treasure.

Yoongi’s heart races and he closes his eyes rather than remember the moment. The ache of watching you almost die never stops throbbing in his chest. Yoongi's not sure if it will ever stop hurting or if he'll ever stop feeling thankful that you hadn't tried after.

That had been your one suicide attempt, Your only one. Although there had been other moments in the months that followed that had made him nervous that you might try again. When the days had stretched with you neither speaking nor eating.

Acts of desperation like that have a way of sticking to you. A separate kind of trauma comes from something that you do to yourself.

For a moment- you want to let go of Tae’s hand, the clamminess too similar to how your palms felt tacky with blood. For a moment you’re back there; the smell of gunpowder (it’s unfortunate that Jimin’s unhappy scent smells so similar) and burning blood on the air, a terrible blackness in your chest begging you to lie your head down and just go.

You lift your face, and the light cuts across it jaggedly. “When you guys moved in it didn't take long to realize I wasn’t the only one afraid, once Tae and I started to hang out in the library room-”

You’re meandering towards the point, but your pain and Tae’s are dreadfully similar. Both of you hadn’t shared this secret because you were afraid it would incur a lack of love.

“It was just before my rut,” Tae says, finally breaking her silence, encouraging you by ducking close and rubbing her cheek on the top of your head in comfort, a small scent mark, “Wait- Do you think that’s what triggered it?”

You huff a soft breath, and even though it feels out of place it is no less sweet when you bump your head into Tae’s shoulder. “Maybe,” you say, though you guess you’ll never know for sure. What if it was the catalyst? Was your love the thing that finally made her body bend to its instincts?

A truck on your street slams its door and it shocks you all making you flinch. Jimin actually growls, turning to the door like he might go start shouting at it.

Namjoon leans back in his chair, his hand going to the back of Jimin’s neck, rubbing over it mindlessly to calm the other alpha down. His legs crossed, jutting his chin out at you as if to say ‘go on pup, you’re doing fine.’

Your heart pulses frantically in your chest and you hold onto Tae’s hands tighter. “It didn’t take long for it to become a habit and we-”

“Can you just spit it out,” Jimin snaps desperately, fear rocketing through him so violently he can't stay still, rocking back and forth like a ship in a storm. “Please.”

Tae's hand a vice around yours, her breath coming all quick and tiny beside you.

“I’m trying to say that Tae’s a girl, she’s been a girl for as long as you’ve known her and she just didn’t want to say. We started, exploring her gender a few months ago with makeup and clothes and stuff. She didn’t realize that’s what she was- that’s what she could be if she wanted until- until I helped her in the library.”

(There is none of that shit about being born in the wrong body because it's not just that. To be a butterfly that only looks like a moth, or a flower and a weed. No metaphor does it justice- how it feels to compromise in such a way that betrays your nature. The near daily humiliation that a soul can feel so keenly).

You let go of Yoongi’s hands and reach across the table to try and take Jimin’s, but he snatches them back just as quickly. Tae's eyes are screwed shut, not willing to watch the pack fall apart because of her, unwilling to wait and see the precise way that her pack falls apart with this knowledge. Because of that- she misses the way the whole table freezes-

And then relaxes.

Now that it’s out you can’t stop yourself from rambling, “-And she does want to be a girl, she is a girl- we hid it from you- not because she didn’t trust you but because she just wanted to be sure- And I guess she’s sure now- She didn’t want to cut her hair but she didn’t want to come out yet- which is why it made her sad- and that why she was crying when you came home and-”

"Pup- breathe," you're nearly hyperventilating, unable to disobey Namjoon’s command as you gasp.

The knot between Jin and Namjoon's shoulders eases and the pack alpha actually cracks a relieved smile. (What- with the way that you and her were so knit together- Namjoon honestly expected levels of unintended pregnancy catastrophic. This by comparison, is much easier to mitigate.)

Yoongi’s looking at Tae with fresh eyes, not surprised or shocked at all- just soft with how you glare at all of them, how your face says ‘say anything transphobic and I’ll end you’ without you speaking a word. Even though you and Jimin are shaking like puppies confronted with a vacuum monster.

Jungkook's mouth makes a little ‘oh’ and so does Hobi’s. Jungkook gives Tae a few of his wide-eyed bunny blinks. The anxiety builds, thrumming until a small sob slips past her lips, you remedy it almost instantly winding your body around hers.

Jimin feels like there's an avalanche falling over him, his skin freezing as the cold truth washes his body clean of warmth, leaving his tongue numb. Brain fissioning, neurons tearing themselves apart as they rewire themselves to account for new information. The very axis of his world shifted a few degrees to make the summers and springs longer and the winters and falls brief.

Tae speaks, because while your words were pretty- they’re not her own. And hearing you say it makes her own mouth feel less vivid with fear. Her eyes remain fixed on your clasped hands. You haven’t let go of them once, just like you promised.

“Once I really started living with you it was like I couldn’t stop feeling it. It was so painful to see you for those first few weeks.” your cute mouth tugs into a frown, another reminder. Tae wonders if she’ll ever stop feeling jealous of you.

“You got to be pretty and soft in the way I wanted to be, you got to be loved in the way I’ve always wanted to be loved. Dysphoria is- fuck- it’s fucking terrible, and I couldn’t avoid it no matter how hard I tried.”

You’ve talked about it before; you tuck yourself more firmly around Tae like you can banish it with just your body. You’ll never stop apologizing for that- for how you’d made her feel bad just by being you.

But you have nothing to apologize for, because even with the dysphoria you make it feel so much better, so much easier to bear. Tae shivers remembering that her reflection doesn’t look the same as it did this morning, the short and blunt cut edges of her hair hitting the tops of her ears a needle-like reminder. She’ll probably avoid mirrors for a while, she wonders if Jin would let her put something over the one in the bathroom.

Yoongi stretches out his hand, tentatively taking Tae’s other one. His hands are so strong, but they're still smaller than Tae's. Tae has the largest hands out of everyone in the pack- the ones that are best for holding. But it's not like your tiny palm in his other.

Oh, what Tae wouldn't give to be tiny like you. Even now, the dysphoria rages like a pink-edged storm. The silver lining is all mauve.

Tae finds the same usual smile on Yoongi's face, gentler maybe. “What does it feel like? The dysphoria, I want to understand it.”

Tae lifts your hand, pressing your knuckles over her heart, “it feels like you’re rotting- right here. At best- that’s what it feels like. Like you're dying and there's nothing that anyone can do, nothing that anyone can fix. Or like you’re bleeding out but only you can see it.”

Hobi speaks for the first time, rubbing a finger against his lower lip, “and at worst?” Tae flinches and doesn't answer his question.

Every little pained breath that comes from Tae’s mouth feels like a dagger cutting through Jimin’s viscera, dissecting him. Here take out the ribs first- they’ve grown all strange and gnarled. Why would a thing that loves have grown claws?

The table falls silent, no one has any words for it, the realization that someone they held so dear has been hurting for so long. Jin swallows back a lump in his throat when he realizes you’re right; this is a lot more important than the mating marks.

Oh Tae.

To hide this for so long, to hurt for so long right in front of them- Jin’s rarely ever so frantic, to make things right. “Tell us Tae- tell us how to keep you from feeling that way, fuck- I feel like an asshole for not noticing- Is- do you need- What can we do? Please? I-“ he breaks off, for the first time, lost for words.

Tae bites her lower lip, the words all shaky. “I know that this is a lot to hear. I know that you might not- like it as much. I know that I’m not- that I don’t look like-"

Jungkook is ever the mood maker, perhaps sensing how everyone is about to devolve into tears, “Does that mean you’re gonna call them all Oppa now? Cuz thats so cute I might get jealous. Should we call you Taenoona instead of Taehyung or do you just wanna keep the same name-”

You've never scolded Jungkook before, “Koo-”

But Jungkook’s smile is mischievous and lovely, he leans back, crossing his arms behind his head, stretching and flexing them in his black tee-shirt. “You’re all really bad at keeping secrets you know. Every single one of you."

“What are you talking about?”

Jungkook stretches his arm around you to squeeze Tae’s cheek. It blooms pink beneath his touch. Jungkook’s grin is all bunny teeth, boyish and gorgeous. Being on the receiving end of such a grin makes the dysphoria ebb just a little.

“Tae, who does the laundry in this house?”

“You.” You’re all intimately aware of Junkgook’s near dogmatic ritual. How he dumps all your clothes together and then lifts them one by one to sort them, everything but underwear and socks gets sorted this way, because Jungkook loves the pack's scents, loves to almost nest with them in the basement. you’ve found him asleep in a pile of laundry in the basement before. It's a little gross sometimes, but Jungkook's your little laundry bunny.

Jungkook reaches again, to pinch at your scent gland, and you swat his hand away- annoyed. “And do you know who all your new dresses smell like?”

You look back at him so quick it almost gives you whiplash, “You knew?”

Jungkook leans over, nudging Namjoon’s shoulder. “Sucky secret keepers, the lot of them.”

The pack alpha turns his eyes on Tae then, smiling at her, "I'm so happy you told us Tae, seriously. Thank you for being honest,” It's Tae's turn to be surprised, blinking owlishly at the pack alpha. blushing at the attention. tae lets go of your hand for the first time when she grabs both of namjoon’s, “I know it must have taken you a lot of bravery to tell us this, but I promise we won't disappoint you."

Hobi swallows thickly, nodding in agreement with Namjoon. “So- about the Taenoona thing- is Tae fine? Or I there something else that you want to be called? A more feminine name?”

Tae’s cheeks are two round pink peaches, blushing as the pack alpha looks at her so plainly, barely able to keep herself from smiling, heart thudding with the knowledge that oh- this actually- this isn’t terrible. This is actually going kind of well.

“i’ve never thought about it really, but I think Tae’s better than taehyung, I like being called Tae.” It might have something to do with the way that your mouth moves around that syllable, all pink and rosy cute, that makes something in Tae’s tummy flutter. It’s hard to feel dysphoric about something that sounds so sweet. “It’s not like the hair thing, ‘Tae’ doesn’t give me dysphoria,”

Jin runs his hands over his face,“Fuck, your hair, I’m so sorry pup-“

“S’not your fault Jinnie. You didn’t know.” Tae bites her plush lips. “I’m sorry for startling everyone when I got home.”

“Do you want to dye it? Is there anything we can do?” Jin turns to you, because you’ve been a woman for longer, and you’ve helped Tae with this up until this point and you don’t have to do this alone again. For the first time in your relationship they're learning how to love from you. “Are wigs an option? Would they help?”

“I don’t know, maybe?”

"There's always extensions," Jungkook comments, definitely not mentioning one of his private clients got them caught in an exercise machine once and thats the only reason why he knows about them.

You turn back to Tae, “Do you want to try?”

Jimin’s brain is narrowed down to the one person that has always mattered the most. Blood and love rush through his ears that block out your banter. The wave builds until it bursts. Jimin tries, tries his hardest to speak and hold it back. but things are happening so quickly- when Jimin is still reeling from your words and Tae's too.

“Maybe just, hair dye? Pink might be nice. I think it might help, with the dysphoria.”

"You'd look so cute with pink."

Jungkook tucks his feet beneath his body, "Wait if you get pink hair I might actually want it too."

Namjoon reaches over, running his hand through Yoongi’s blonde mop “you know you could do it like really easily.”

Yoongi shrugs off Namjoon's comment, all plucky and put upon but loving it, “if it will make Tae happy then you can drag me there right now.”

"It could be like- couples colors!"

Jimin’s voice is so quiet, so aching, but no less pained, fingers digging into the table so hard that his nail-beds ache. Tae would hear Jimin’s voice even if it happening in a downpour, thunder and lightning, nothing is quite as earth shattering as ire from someone you love.

“Why?”

Tae's a little too excited, however, to properly guess at Jimin's question. She tugs at a lock of her hair, staring not at him, but down at your clasped hands with a soft smile. “I think that maybe it’s like- a color thing. I've never been allowed to like pink you know so maybe it’s-“

“No that’s not- that’s not what I’m asking,” Jimin waves his hand flippantly and your mouth hardens into a line. “I’m not asking why, what I’m asking is why the fuck you neglected to tell me this till now."

Everyone around the table stills, the fun, and joy of all of it extinguished in a moment as Jimin watches Tae, his eye swimming with tears, heartbreaking over her.

"Tae- why didn’t you say anything?”

Tae flinches, and you struggle not to jump down Jimin’s throat for his tone alone. Tae’s voice is pleading, and oh

Oh, she realizes, maybe her fear wasn’t all for nothing. Maybe the hope of the last few moments had only hurt her more. Because the rest of the pack is accepting but Minnie-

Minnie's glaring, and it’s a good thing that Tae knows what he looks like when he's about to cry. Jimin's eyebrows knit together like they're gates to hold back the flood.

Tae lets go of Namjoon's hand and reaches for Jimin’s but this time- it’s the other alpha that declines his touch. Even when Jimin's overstimulated, he can usually handle touches from Tae, but not right now. Now Jimin's skin burns.

“Minnie you- you like boys. You only liked boys until her. I didn’t tell you because I was afraid that you wouldn’t-”

Jimin holds up a hand, stopping her, “Don’t you dare say you were afraid that I wouldn't love you Tae. Don’t throw my love for you back at my feet over something as simple as fear." Jin's eyes are brown and guilty when they meet Yoongi's, and the beta holds his glance.

The first time Jimin uttered the words ‘I think I like boys’ was the first time that Tae's heart broke. But child hurts are often adult wounds and Tae and Jimin are bleeding all over the floor with this.

"Minnie-" Jin begs, Namjoon reaches over to scruff the alpha but Jimin swats his hands away, moving so quickly you would have thought Namjoon’s touch was poison.

Jimin’s crying, wet cheeks, and wet eyelashes too. “It’s always been you Tae- Do you think so lowly of me that I wouldn’t love you? Is this a joke to you? Am I a joke to you?” the feeling rockets through him so hard that he stands, chair skitters back, falling upended. Your hand goes cold as Tae leaves you.

Tae tries to hold him, to grab him, but Jimin swats her hands away. Crying too hard to see. “Minnie no- I was just- I just didn’t want to tell you yet. I was just worried-”

“Don’t you dare lie to me Kim Tae-” the second syllable of that dies in Jimin’s throat. “How could you think that I wouldn’t love you? No matter who you wanted to be or what color you wanted to dye your fucking hair!" Jimin can't get his words out around his sobs, near incoherent. "You’ve been hurting for years and you just- you let me hurt you. When that was the one thing you where never supposed to let me do. Love isn't supposed to hurt!”

(That is perhaps the most bitter lie isn't it? That it is the people who love you who often hurt you the worst.)

“Do you remember what you told me when we were kids Minnie?” Tae's voice shakes. “You were always gay Jimin- You always liked boys, so don’t you dare blame me for choosing you over me! Not when you would have done the same!”

Jimin is crying, hands closing and opening rhythmically by his sides. Jin makes to stand and get between them but you shoot him a look. This isn’t a fight that any of you can have for Jimin and Tae. No matter how bad you want to get in-between them.

“Would you have ever told me? Would you have ever told us? If it wasn’t for her?” Jimin’s finger jabbing in your direction makes you flinch and Yoongi's jaw ticks.

Tae is lost for words. Silent and standing there, unwilling to answer.

“I see, once you saw me love her you- you-“ Jimin sounds almost sick at the words. That someone he loves has been hurting because of him. All this time, Years and years of pain that are all his fault.

“If you think I wouldn’t love you th-then-“ Jimin’s hands are shaking so violently, and you know a breakdown when you see one. he runs his hands through his hair and yanks. "I love you- you know I love you!” he cries “none of this would change that- no matter what! That's what we agreed on! That we’d love each other Tae- fuck- Tae."

Tae and Jimin have always been cradle to grave. They have always been soulmates. Jimin thought that counted for something. But this isn’t just anything. Tae let herself hurt for the sake of Jimin’s worldview and that is something that Jimin cannot forgive- or at least can’t forgive easily. Tae was always supposed to be both of their priorities. That was their agreement.

Tae’s voice breaks, “You love me yeah? Well you haven’t said it in weeks Minnie.” It’s the wrong thing to say. No allegation would make Jimin angrier than the idea that he doesn’t love Tae to the fullest extent that he’s capable of.

He's lost for words mouth opening and closing like a beached fish. When they were younger the words used to fall from Jimin's lips as often as rain, but now that they've been together for so long they say them less frequently. The same is true with Jin and Namjoon. Years in love can make you sloppy but Jimin can’t find the words anything other than wounding.

Jimin’s teeth grind against each other, "People don't just say I love you.”

"They say 'bring your jacket it's cold out’ and 'I made you lunch' before you even say you're hungry, or they know your favorite coffee cup without asking and never take it even though they made the coffee first.” Tae does that for you- you realize. You didn’t think that Jimin had been keeping track.

“People don't just say I love you or just love you as a singular act, they don't skip your favorite song even if they hate it, and they act crazy when you get sick” Jungkook and Hoseok flush. “Or they pretend not to notice when you've got a bit of broccoli stuck in your teeth.” Namjoon huffs. Jimin might not understand this yet, but he does understand love.

“They learn what kind of jokes are your favorite and get better at telling them on purpose- people love you on purpose.” The upstairs room aches with Yoongi's many hours, how many moments of his life has he spent on it? He couldn't say those moments were poorly spent, any moment spent in love is worth it.

“They learn to make a big deal out of the things that are big for you and not to bother when the annoyance is slight because every annoyance should be slight when it comes to someone you love." Jin's arms wrap around his waist tighter.

(People don't just say I love you- they promise things like I will give you smile lines and laugh lines if it kills me, I will carve wrinkles into your face with the force of my love, and hand you a pen when you want to write you name on my heart.)

"They don't just say I love you, they show it. And I’ve shown you it with everything I’ve ever done, every breath I’ve ever taken- so please- please don’t say I didn’t love you enough for you to come to me with this, be honest with me. Because I did. You know I did."

You and Jin share a long angsty look across the table. Your and Yoongi’s hands remain clasped and the omega crosses his arms. Defiant with it- although you never expected him to love you without it.

There is more to be settled here.

“I love you so much I can't stand it. Maybe if I loved you less I’d be able to think more rationally about this, but Tae- I can't- I can't breathe around how much love I have for you. And maybe that’s why this hurts so fucking much, that I’m so in pain by loving you and yet, you don't believe me. You never did otherwise you would have just said something-"

But instead of agreeing Tae shakes her head, lips screwing into something like a snarl. Alpha aggression is a volatile thing and Namjoon almost gets up to scruff them even though it would be inappropriate. He can’t bear to see them hurt each other like this.

Her short bangs barely budge “knowing someone loves you isn't just trusting them not to hurt you Minnie. I respect what we had, and whatever you want from me now I'll accept- even if it's nothing. I’ve been hurting over this for years That’s why I didn't tell you- I didn't tell you because I know you love me. Not despite it. I’m sorry but I couldn't risk losing you."

“Bullshit-“ Jimin sobs, a wild and broken thing that just about wrenches his heart clean out of his chest. Tae’s love has always made Jimin human and now he’s nothing but something wriggling and miserable. Slimy in his sadness, unwanted at its core.

“Bullshit- Tae- I’ve never- I couldn’t-”

One second the emotion is rocketing through him bright as a comet and the next, Jimin goes so still it's frightening. Like a supernova, one moment all the mass in the universe spread out and the next it has narrowed down to a single point of anger and pain.

If Jimin had a heart, he’d remove it and leave it at Tae’s feet. There is no use for Jimin’s love if Tae doesn’t want it and is committed to miss-understanding it. there is no Jimin without tae.

Tae pretends it doesn’t hurt when Jimin walks away.

He passes by her without even a brush of her hand or a goodbye kiss. Tae pretends her heart doesn’t break as she watches him grab his coat and walk out the front door, grabbing his keys too. She pretends it doesn’t hurt that he doesn’t look back, that she’s left in the kitchen with the warm yellow lights cutting wounds across her face.

6 other people in the room, and the only one that she wants to comfort her right now- gone.

He leaves her standing there by the center island, alone like a ship in a dark sea, the last light winking out. It's not worth it, It's not worth being a woman if it means I don't get to love you, I'll take it back, I'll take it back if it means you'll still love me.

The front door slams shut.

~-~

(Next chapter Coming Next Saturday September 24th at 5pm EST)

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ao3feed-hawks · 1 year

Text

A Pro-Hero's Guide to Matchmaking Teenagers

A Pro-Hero's Guide to Matchmaking Teenagers by samarama 7

Touya's heart is in a place he never thought it could be after all the pain. He sees two of his siblings in the same boat and feels (mostly) content. Giving him all the more reason to bring his third sibling to this place to, as much as he can try, with all the help he can get.

dabihawks get todomomo together but there's actually a plot

Words: 2145, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: 僕のヒーロー��カデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia (Anime & Manga)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Multi

Characters: Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Takami Keigo | Hawks, Todoroki Shouto, Todoroki Fuyumi, Todoroki Natsuo, Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Todoroki Rei, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Toga Himiko, Sako Atsuhiro | Mr. Compress, Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko, Bubaigawara Jin | Twice, Iguchi Shuuichi | Spinner, Uraraka Ochako, Jirou Kyouka, Yaoyorozu Momo, Kaminari Denki, Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kirishima Eijirou, Ashido Mina, Todoroki Natsuo's Girlfriend

Relationships: Dabi | Todoroki Touya/Takami Keigo | Hawks, Todoroki Shouto/Yaoyorozu Momo, Todoroki Fuyumi/Usagiyama Rumi | Miruko, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Toga Himiko/Uraraka Ochako, Jirou Kyouka/Kaminari Denki, Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku, Todoroki Natsuo/Todoroki Natsuo's Girlfriend, Dabi | Todoroki Touya & Todoroki Fuyumi & Todoroki Natsuo & Todoroki Shouto, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Dabi | Todoroki Touya

Additional Tags: Hero Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Pro Hero Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Cupioromantic Ashido Mina, League of Villains Are Not Villains, Chubby Yaoyorozu Momo, Todoroki Enji | Endeavor's Bad Parenting, Todoroki Enji | Endeavor Redemption, its more of an atonement, Pining, Mutual Pining, Established Relationship, Class 1-A Shenanigans, League of Villains as heroes, Self-Harm, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, U.A. Student Dabi | Todoroki Touya, formerly, Hero Public Safety Commission Bashing, Hero Public Safety Commission's Bad Parenting, Double Dating, between dabihawks and miruyumi, Matchmaking, Implied Sexual Content, Flashbacks, like a lot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, ongoing

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44738200

#AO3 Feed #FanFiction #AO3 Hotwings #♥#Dabihawks #Hotwings #Todomomo #⚣#R:T #W:S #A:Samarama #Hero AU #Mental Illness

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neverdoingmuch · 2 years

Note

"who knew the truth about the wen remnants" by karmiya is a compilation of all the quotes from the novel regarding wen remnants, turns out everyone knew, yet they still chose to hurt them..

Thanks for sending this in to me anon! It was a really interesting read and I do agree with a lot of the stuff op wrote. They tackled a lot of stuff that tends to get warped by the fandom lens or just straight up ignored, so it was quite important in that regard. That being said, there are some interpretations that I don't quite agree with. It's well-written and formulated but I find that it lacks a certain … nuance? I suppose that's the best way I can put it.

I also don't wholly disagree with Karmiya; it wasn't just the Jins who were involved with the camps. Whether everyone knew is a separate point, but they are definitely right in saying that it wasn't just the Jins who were at fault.

(I've never done a meta like this before so please forgive me if my structure is wrong! Also, just a quick disclaimer that all of the quotes will be taken from the exr translation, simply for convenience.)

(also this gets quite long so i put the whole meta under the read more!)

The first direct mention of other involvement, as far as I'm aware, comes when Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing try to find Wen Ning.

The inspector was round and chubby. He gave an obsequiously apologetic grin, “Maiden, don’t worry. Actually, it happens a lot that other sects come to us for cultivators. Maybe somebody else took him during the past few days? When we do roll calls, we’d sometimes find that someone ran away as well…”

While we could take this to be the inspector lying to shift blame and save his own skin, this sentiment of external involvement is echoed by Jin Guangshan later.

What Jin GuangShan wanted, however, wasn’t his apology or his compensation, “Sect Leader Jiang, at first, for your sake, the Lanling Jin Sect didn’t intend on saying anything. However, some of these inspectors weren’t from the Jin Sect. There were a few from other sects as well. This makes it…”

The implication of the first quote is that the camps are run by the Jins but that other cultivators will occasionally stop by while the latter makes it clear that their involvement in the Wens' treatment goes beyond simple ignorance or the occasional visit. We know this because when Jin Guangshan claims that there were other inspectors present there's no opposition. Theoretically the other sects could be staying silent out of fear of making an enemy of Jin Guangshan, but the way this is written – flowing smoothly from Jin Guangshan's casual mention of the inspectors back to pressuring Jiang Cheng – does imply that such a scenario isn't the case.

As such, we can almost assuredly assume that yes, other sects were involved in the treatment of the Wens after the Campaign and the Jins were not alone in their acts.

The question then becomes which sects were involved?

Now this is where nuance comes into play. These characters are not acting within the banquet scene free from the influence of the rest of the novel. It's not as simple as saying that a man came into the room, declared that he needed to save an innocent man from poor treatment and was thus declared an enemy. Especially when said man is Wei Wuxian.

When it comes to Wei Wuxian, and more specifically his reputation, there are many aspects that contribute to it. While his birth and upbringing do factor into his treatment and reputation among cultivation society, firstly, it would lengthen the meta too much to go into it, and secondly, isn't the driving force behind what the cultivators think of Wei Wuxian at this point in time. The banquet happens right after the Sunshot Campaign, the very place where Wei Wuxian made his return as the master of demonic cultivation.

There's the occasional mention of the consequences of Wei Wuxian's path but I'm lazy and I'm working off a PDF so I haven't been able to add any bookmarks or quotes. So let's just look at the one, shall we!

One against two, Lan WangJi still refused to back off. He gazed at Wei WuXian, “Wei Ying, for cultivating an evil path you would eventually have to pay. Throughout time, there has not been a single exception.”

Wei WuXian, “I can pay.”

Seeing how unconcerned he seemed to be, Lan WangJi lowered his voice, “The path would not only damage your body, but your heart as well.”

Wei WuXian, “Damage or not, how much damage, I know it the most. As for my heart, it’s my heart after all. I know what I’m doing.”

Lan WangJi, “Some things you cannot be able to control at all.”

Displeasure flashed across Wei WuXian’s face, “Of course I can control it.”

Lan WangJi walked a step closer. He seemed to be about to speak again when Wei WuXian closed his eyes, “After all, on the topic of how my heart is, what could other people know about it? Why should other people care about it?”

Okay so there's a lot to break down here. While in CQL, they gave the title of original inventor of demonic cultivation to … some guy. I don't remember his name, and it isn't important tbh. What is important is that in MDZS (the canon we're looking at), Wei Wuxian is the inventor of demonic cultivation as it is now. He may not be the first person to cultivate his path, but he is the first to do it successfully. This is really important because it means that, although there is some knowledge about Wei Wuxian's path, it isn't fully applicable. When every other person dies within the week, what do you know about the person who's still alive after eight days? The information you have from before isn't fully useful any more once you're working beyond the bounds of your knowledge, but it is still relevant. To Wei Wuxian, he's better than the other attempts, but to the rest of the world, he's just a man who's survived a bit longer – still destined to die, just taking his time about it.

With that being said, Lan Wangji spends most of this conversation warning Wei Wuxian about the risks of his cultivation, and Wei Wuxian doesn't actually refute anything he says. He doesn't say that their risks aren't his, instead that he's willing to take them on. It's a strange sort of arrogance, to be aware of all of the ways you will fail and to still think you're above it all. There are two ways to interpret this: either Wei Wuxian has already found his temperament starting to be affected by his cultivation path, thinking himself above such mortal risks, or he's pushing Lan Wangji away.

The loss of his golden core is one of the biggest secrets in the novel, and Wei Wuxian does absolutely everything he can to push away anyone who could get close enough to discover it. And, given the way that his core had been and still is such an intrinsic and significant part of who he is, being 'too close' is a very broad definition indeed. The best way to keep everyone away from him and to stop anyone from looking too close is to lean into the reputation of demonic cultivators. There have been several wonderful metas on here that have looked in depth at the fact that Wei Wuxian leant into the his reputation as a demonic cultivator to draw attention away from the fact he no longer can cultivate the way he had before. His refusal to use his sword is not seen as a point of concern or questioning when he portrays it as arrogance and confidence in his abilities in demonic cultivation. This arrogance and cruelty that he weaponises to hide his secret can be clearly read as his “heart being damage[d]”.

This becomes important when it comes to his reputation after the war – namely how he deals with any accusations or questions about his behaviour.

Jin ZiXuan laughed with a ha, as though he found it ridiculous, “What you’re depending on is just a crooked path. They’re not what you’re really capable of. You’re just playing a few tunes on the flute. How could it count as showing our real abilities?”

Wei WuXian sounded confused, “It’s not as if I tricked or schemed, so why not? You can play a few tunes on the flute as well and see if any corpses or spirits would like to follow you?”

Jin ZiXun, “With how much you disregard the rules, it’s not much better than tricks and schemes!”

Hearing this, Lan WangJi frowned. Madam Jin seemed as though she had just heard the quarrel that was going on over here. Her voice was indifferent, “ZiXun, that’s enough.” Wei WuXian was too lazy to argue with him. He laughed, “Fine, then I don’t know what could count as real abilities. Please take it out and win against me so that I can see what it is.”

If he could actually win, Jin ZiXun wouldn‟t be as frustrated as he was now.

I mean even Jin Zixuan recognises that Wei Wuxian's talents in cultivation were enough that he shouldn't need to resort to his crooked path. In response to his query Wei Wuxian immediately diverts attention by antagonising Jin Zixun. He plays dumb and then flippantly hands over his weapon to Jin Zixun. He continues this by ignoring Jin Zixun's next accusation of rudeness and thanking Lan Wangji instead. We see this sort behaviour time and time again: where Wei Wuxian leverages the assumption that his temperament has been negatively influenced by his cultivation in order to push others away and to prevent them from questioning his actions too much. When he's so arrogant as to presume himself above others, why would they wonder why he's doing what he's doing? They've already been provided the only answer they need.

Wei WuXian smiled again, “Do you know why I’m not carrying my sword? It wouldn‟t make a difference if I told you anyways.”

He turned around, stating one word at a time, “Because I want you to know that even if I don’t use my sword, with nothing but what you call a “crooked path”, I will still rise unparalleled and leave all of you staring at me from behind.”

With his words, all of the people present were shocked speechless.

No disciple had ever dared say such lofty words in front of so many people.

Here we can really see just how arrogantly Wei Wuxian is acting. It's one thing for him to use his crooked path in a war, but it's another to use in what is basically a sporting event. It's crass at best, and downright disrespectful at worst. Wei Wuxian's path is loathed by society and for good reason too; Wei Wuxian's acts in the Sunshot Campaign may have won it for them, but it was still wrong. There's no ifs about it – culturally he's committed terrible taboos and, from what the others know of his state, Wei Wuxian has done so willingly when he's had the choice not to. The fact that he uses his power here, when the war is done and peace is the focus, is already contentious, but then he turns around and says what he said. It goes beyond mere rudeness and it really sums up who Wei Wuxian is presenting himself as at this point in time: powerful, arrogant, and almost disloyal. I say disloyal because of the last line I've quoted. Referring to him as a disciple isn't only a mention of the fact that Wei Wuxian is looked down on for his birth and status in life, but also for the fact that a mere disciple, who's meant to be representing his sect, is willing to say what could potentially ruin the sect's relationship with the other sects, or at least significant members of other sects.

This is the man who walks into the banquet to demand the freedom of Wen Ning – not a hero or a stranger, but a man who is deadly, arrogant, disrespectful, and potentially disloyal to his sect.

When it comes to the banquet itself, there's a lot to look at. As context though, I believe that our understanding of a character should be shaped by canonical events and scenes, but that our interpretations of such scenes should also be driven by character. By that I mean that it's not enough to simply look at a scene and interpret it without taking into consideration the characters in that scene. While our “current” interpretation of a character shouldn't prevent that interpretation from evolving as we learn more about them, that interpretation should still form that foundation of what we know in most cases. The character's personality, their history, relationships, or whatever are all important to consider and should be factored into any analysis. This is particularly important when it comes to the banquet, and it's why I included what I did about Wei Wuxian post-Sunshot Campaign.

Someone exclaimed in a hushed tone, “When did he come?!”

Wei WuXian put down the cup. With one hand, he fixed his lapel, “Just a moment ago.”

Just a moment ago? But, just a moment ago, clearly nobody notified the room, much less greeted him. Although surprising, it was true that not a single person noticed when he managed to slip into Glamor Hall. The crowd couldn’t help but shiver in disgust at the mere power of his abilities.

Jin GuangYao was quick to react, his enthusiasm still warm, “I wasn’t aware of Young Master Wei’s arrival at Koi Tower. The lack of a welcome was my fault. Would you like to be seated? Oh, right—do you have an invitation?”

Wei WuXian didn’t make small talk either, getting straight to the point, “No thanks. I don’t.” He nodded slightly at Jin ZiXun, “Young Master Jin, could I please have a word with you?”

Wei Wuxian is introduced in this scene by appearing suddenly, by sneaking in undetected by some of the greatest cultivators the world has to offer, or at least those with influence. This immediately sets the tone where Wei Wuxian is a threat to them; they're already uncomfortable with his acts and abilities, and such a flippant demonstration that he's good enough to avoid detection from them is similarly discomforting.

Jin Guangyao, for all that he's being polite and welcoming, does immediately highlight the fact that Wei Wuxian was not invited. He is not wanted nor actually welcome here, and is instead forcing his presence upon them. Yes, he's absolutely doing the right thing by confronting Jin Zixun, and yes, he couldn't afford to wait, but when it comes to Wei Wuxian's reputation and relationship with the other sects, it is important to note this.

Now, when Wei Wuxian responds, he's not bothering with pleasantries, which is not to say that he isn't being polite; despite cutting straight to the point, he still addresses Jin Zixun politely. Not only that, but he was also willing to step aside and deal with matters privately. It's only when Wei Wuxian is pressed that he decides to deal with matters in public.

This is where things get more interesting, because we know that Wen Qing came to Wei Wuxian for help rescuing her brother, but when Wei Wuxian confronts the Jins at the banquet, I got the sense that Wei Wuxian doesn't actually know that the Wens were innocent. He was going in there for Wen Ning and Wen Ning alone.

Wei WuXian, “Fine. I don’t mind explaining it in greater detail. You couldn’t catch the bat king and happened to run into a few of the Wen Sect’s disciples who were there to investigate the same thing. And so, you threatened them to carry spirit-attraction flags to be your bait. They didn’t dare do it. One person stepped out and tried to reason with you. That’s the Wen Ning I’m talking about. After some delay, the bat king got away. You beat up the Wen cultivators, took them away by force, and the group disappeared. Do I need to say any more details? They still haven’t returned yet. Apart from you, I don’t know who in the world I could possibly ask.”

Wei Wuxian explicitly refers to the Wens as disciples and cultivators. This either suggests that Wei Wuxian is under the same perceptions as the rest of the sects are of the contents of the prison camps, or that there wereWen cultivators with Wen Ning and that, by the time Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing reached them, the cultivators had all died and/or been moved elsewhere. I'm more inclined to believe the former as Wei Wuxian later says that “Wen Ning’s branch doesn’t have much blood on their hands”. If he'd been aware that the Wens in questions were the Wen remnants, he would've likely absolved them of all guilt – there's no way Wei Wuxian would hold Granny to the same standards as a young and able-bodied cultivator involved in the war, but he doesn't. Wei Wuxian explicitly says that they don't have much blood on their hands, not that they have none.

Regardless of whether Wei Wuxian is wanting to rescue just Wen Ning or all of the Wens at the camp, there is still a complete dissonance between the Wei Wuxian presented to the world and the Wei Wuxian who stands before the sect leaders demanding Wen Ning's location. Prior to this, Wei Wuxian staunchly despised the Wens. His presence in the Sunshot Campaign began with his single-man rampage killing countless Wens in incredibly sadistic and cruel methods. He then proceeds to fight in the Sunshot Campaign with a similar sort of zeal. For him to go from happily torturing Wens as he experiments with his new powers to advocating for them, it would be quite concerning to the other sect leaders present at the banquet. I mean concerning not in the sense where they are concerned for Wei Wuxian, but in the sense that they are concerned because of him.

And, despite this seeming change of heart, Wei Wuxian still doesn't seem to be that passionate about the safety of the Wens.

Wei WuXian continued, “Since anyone whose surname is Wen can be used an outlet of anger as one pleases, no matter if they’re innocent or not, does it mean that it’s fine even if I kill all of them right now?”

Before he even finished his words, he placed his hand on his waist where Chenqing hung.

Instantly, it was as if a piece of memory was stirred up in the minds of everyone within the hall, as though they returned to the battlefield where darkness became the sky and corpses became mountains.

Although this is Wei Wuxian trying to prove a point about the Wens and the hypocrisy of the sects, he is still incredibly flippant with the lives of the people he's currently advocating for. It really doesn't give any sense of comfort that Wei Wuxian is trying to do the right thing. Combined with the fact that Wei Wuxian drops his hand to his weapon, and it's clear to see how the other cultivators could misconstrue this. This could be read as a threat against the sect leaders in the room, as a reminder of what Wei Wuxian had done to the Wens in the past, or as a promise of what he wants to do once he finds the Wens. Whatever he means to do by this, he's only proving himself as a violent and arrogant threat to the cultivation world. Previously, I'd described him as potentially disloyal, but Jin Guangshan explicitly brings Jiang Cheng up, and this tips him from potentially to probably, at least in the eyes of the sect leaders.

Jin GuangShan stood up as well, his face a mixture of shock, anger, fear, and hatred, “Wei WuXian! Just because… Sect Leader Jiang isn’t here doesn’t mean you can be so reckless!”

Wei WuXian’s voice was harsh, “Do you think that I wouldn't be reckless if he were here? If I wanted to kill someone, who could stop me, and who would dare stop me?!”

This really isn't a good look for Wei Wuxian. Before, when he'd been arrogant and deadly, he'd at least still been controlled. He'd been somewhat of a rabid dog, but one with a collar still around his neck and a master whose commands he listened to (somewhat, at least). Now however, he's chewed off his collar and wandered away from his master, ignoring his instructions to heel. Or however this analogy should go. Regardless, it's clear that Wei Wuxian is no longer controllable and is willing to openly admit such. Not only will Wei Wuxian follow his own desires over the desires of his sect leader, but he's also grouping Jiang Cheng with the other cultivators in the banquet. If anyone wanted to stop him – including his sect leader – who could stop him indeed. By flaunting his own strength along with the fact that he's not beholden to his sect, Wei Wuxian is only worsening his position with the other sects.

Lan XiChen seemed as if he was deep in thought, “Young Master Wei’s heart really has changed.”

Hearing this, pain flashed across the light pair of eyes under Lan WangJi’s knitted brows.

Jin Guangyao does his little thing and then we get to the Lan sect. Lan Xichen's response is purely to Wei Wuxian's behaviour and not at all to his accusations. Looking at the scene by itself without the context of the rest of the novel, this would be a cause for concern. Is Lan Xichen not concerned about the Wens because he already knew about them and their circumstances? It's a possibility.

However, if we consider the rest of the novel – if we remember the Wei Wuxian who had stormed into the room and presented himself as the infamous Yiling Laozu that is later sold to the cultivation sects, the arrogant upstart who believes himself above consequence and his betters, and whose morals and beliefs sway easily – then it's not quite so easy to condemn Lan Xichen. A man whose very temperament and mind has been twisted and contorted by his powers – a problem Lan Xichen is well aware of, and a change that Lan Xichen has been able to watch unfold – comes in demanding to know the location of the people he loathed so deeply before, then it's easy to see why Lan Xichen focused on what he did. Wei Wuxian has little to no credibility, due to a mix of his past behaviour regarding the Wens, the fact that he's just one cultivator speaking against a well-regarded and respected sect (which contains Jin Guangyao as well), and his cultivation style and what that entails. So, it's the fact that this incredibly dangerous and unpredictable man is arrogantly standing against the sects that cements itself in Lan Xichen's mind as the main concern, over some accusations that are likely baseless.

So, we have a Wei Wuxian who specifically cultivated a reputation that would protect his greatest secret. This same Wei Wuxian is now feeling the consequences of this reputation which has turned him into a flighty and fickle person trying to convince a group of people who fear him to trust him over their allies. Specifically, he is asking them to trust him over a man who has been in power for longer than some of the sect leaders have been alive, never mind the way he's tried to go about it. It's honestly no wonder that none of the other sect leaders believed him, or at least cared enough to check. It's no wonder why Lan Xichen had other concerns.

But what about afterwards? After Wei Wuxian storms out and rescues the Wens, do we get any other indications about who knew about the Wens?

I think it's still kept ambiguous! If we're focusing on the main four sects, we need look no further than this interaction:

Lan XiChen responded a moment later, “I have heard of Wen Qing’s name a few of times. I do not remember her having participated in any of the Sunshot Campaign’s crimes.”

Nie MingJue, “But she’s never stopped them either.”

Lan XiChen, “Wen Qing was one of Wen RuoHan’s most trusted people. How could she have stopped them?”

Nie MingJue spoke coldly, “If she responded with only silence and not opposition when the Wen Sect was causing mayhem, it’s the same as indifference. She shouldn’t have been so disillusioned as to hope that she could be treated with respect when the Wen Sect was doing evil and be unwilling to suffer the consequences and pay the price when the Wen Sect was wiped out.”

Lan XiChen knew that because of what happened to his father, Nie MingJue abhorred Wen-dogs more than anything, especially with how intolerable he was toward evil. Lan XiChen didn’t say anything else.

There are several ways to interpret this little conversation, but to me it reads very clearly as Lan Xichen trying to keep Nie Mingjue's mind open regarding the situation. While Lan Xichen has been doubting Wei Wuxian's temperament for a decent amount of time now (as we clearly saw in the banquet scene and likely even before then), he's still somewhat open-minded. Where the minor sect leaders immediately acted as if Wei Wuxian's betrayal had been long coming, Lan Xichen pauses. He brings up Wen Qing and her role in the war – and this may be because of parallels between Wen Qing and Jin Guangyao, both being 'gentle' people forced to work with Wen Ruohan for one reason or another – and advocates for her.

Nie Mingjue shuts Lan Xichen down immediately, repeatedly, and harshly; we're told that it's because of his own misgivings (legitimate with solid foundations) and because Wen Qing didn't act against Wen Ruohan. To be completely honest, Nie Mingjue has a point. Without any context to the Wen siblings, Wen Qing's lack of action reads as, in the worst light, support of Wen Ruohan's actions, and in its best, a lack of moral integrity and desire to do right. The only reason the readers are sympathetic towards Wen Qing is because of the time she saved Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng, an event none of the cultivators are aware of until Jiang Cheng mentions it in this scene. Even when he does though, he says that he and Wei Wuxian “owe [Wen Ning] and his sister Wen Qing gratitude for what happened during the Sunshot Campaign”, which is the vaguest way of possibly saying that they risked their lives to save the pair of them and even nursed them back to health. I'm not sure if there's some significance to the word that Jiang Cheng uses to convey “gratitude” that is missing in the translation, but in English at least it could imply anything from a simple favour to a life debt.

So, lacking any context as to why the Wen siblings acted as they did, what they did for Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, and the sort of people they truly are, is it any surprise that Nie Mingjue lacks any sort of leniency towards their actions? When the whole cultivation world is at war, is a lack of action a valid action? From Nie Mingjue's point of view, no. Where this gets interesting is where we can also see that Lan Xichen would likely believe yes. (I won't go too far into this, but Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen both parallel each other in a way that is so similar and starkly different). We see Lan Xichen trying to convince Nie Mingjue to give Wen Qing some leniency before giving up. A less forgiving interpretation is that Lan Xichen is simply putting in a token effort to seem fair to all sides before giving in to the common belief, but I think it's pretty clearly more a matter of Lan Xichen conceding a lost battle; he knows Nie Mingjue and he knows how he feels about the Wens and he knows that he won't be able to sway his mind on the matter, not on this. Instead of pushing an issue that he has no chance of winning, he concedes and falls silent.

Does this prove one way or another that Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue were involved in the camps? No. I'd say that it suggests that they weren't involved. We're told that Nie Mingjue is intolerable towards evil and, while we aren't shown how he would act if his own misgivings towards the Wens would clash with his beliefs of righteousness regarding just which Wens have been captured, we do see a similar situation with Jin Guangyao. Nie Mingjue obviously doesn't like nor trust Jin Guangyao and yet he still agreed to become sworn brothers with the man despite his own misgivings towards him. Given this, I'd say that if Nie Mingjue had known the truth, he wouldn't have stood for the Wens' punishment. Lan Xichen is a bit simpler – he's a righteous man who believes in justice and equality – and the thing stilling his hands in this matter isn't the identity of those stolen from the camps, but simply the fact that Wei Wuxian was the one to take them from the camps and that it was the Jins that had been running the camps (read: Jin Guangyao was involved). When forced to choose between the Yiling Laozu and Lan Xichen's dear and trusted friend A-Yao, who is so sweet and earnest, it's clear who Lan Xichen would believe.

I think it is very important to note that in this chapter, the most vocal voices against Wei Wuxian and the Wens are unnamed cultivators and sect leaders. Jin Guangyao and Jin Guangshan provide just enough to push things along, but not enough to be the leading voices in this hatred. With a small push in the right direction everyone else falls into place easily enough, cementing Wei Wuxian's status as the next enemy of the sects.

Another thing to note is Jin Guangyao.

After the gathering ended, all of the sect leaders felt that they received a terrific topic for conversation. They walked quickly as they discussed with all their might, their passionate hatred still burning bright.

Behind the sea of Sparks Amidst Snow, the Venerated Trio gathered.

As soon as the discussion finishes, the Venerated Trio gather together to chat and Lan Xichen is, as per usual, incredibly sympathetic and gentle to Jin Guangyao. Their relationship, being the one between the three of them, is incredibly important in explaining why there would be any Nie or Lan cultivators present at the camps, if any. While it seems pretty evident than neither Lan Xichen nor Nie Mingjue are involved in the camps, it is possible that Lan and Nie cultivators were. If Jin Guangyao were to mention to Lan Xichen that the Jins were facing difficulties managing the Wen cultivators after the war, Lan Xichen would readily volunteer the aid of his cultivators, and Nie Mingjue would eventually follow in suit. With the three of them being as close as they are (or in Nie Mingjue's case: with him being close to Lan Xichen who is close to Jin Guangyao), there would be a sort of implicit trust where they would lend a few of their cultivators to one another without requiring in-depth explanations and justifications of their goings-on with Jin Guangyao. So, it's possible that even though Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue were uninvolved, Lan and Nie cultivators still could have been.

And what about Jiang Cheng?

To be completely honest, I think it's very evident that he wasn't involved, but for argument's sake let's still discuss it. One of the main things about Jiang Cheng in the post-Sunshot Campaign era is that he is distanced from the rest of the sects. He's the latest sect leader and, while he's already rebuilt Lotus Pier fully by this point in time, he's not close with the other sect leaders. There's the sworn brotherhood connecting Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangyao, and Lan Xichen, of course, but there's also countless years of interaction between all of the other sect leaders in the parents' generation that Jiang Cheng isn't privy to. He's a powerful and influential man, but Jiang Cheng is also difficult and easy to manipulate. When Jin Guangshan seeks to use Jiang Cheng, he doesn't bother appealing to his desires or fears, simply needing to send a few pointed comments to awake his ire.

And this is very important to note because Jiang Cheng's strength is largely powered by the fact that Wei Wuxian stands behind him; if Jin Guangshan seeks the power that Jiang Cheng currently has, leaving him off-kilter by keeping him largely uninvolved in inter-sect affairs and bringing up old sore points is an excellent way to do this. While this doesn't have its founding in text, I do think it would be highly likely that Jin Guangshan would have ensured a measure of distance between the Jiangs and the rest of the sects to 'give them their own time to rebuild' but mainly to weaken Jiang Cheng so he would feel more threatened when the ire of the other sects turn against him.

Still, we can confirm that Jiang Cheng was unaware of the happenings of the camps when he visits Wei Wuxian in the Burial Mounds.

Jiang Cheng mocked, “Those sect leaders thought you gathered some leftover forces and crowned yourself king of the hill. So, it’s only the old, the weak, the women, and the children.”

In general, it's pretty clear that Jiang Cheng hadn't been aware of who Wei Wuxian had rescued as he would've likely used it to defend himself in front of the other sect leaders if he had known. While MXTX doesn't linger on Jiang Cheng's feelings towards the Wens too much, focusing more on Jiang Cheng and his feelings about how Wei Wuxian is impacting the sect, we do get the above quote. It doesn't quite read as surprise so much as acknowledgement, as if Jiang Cheng had been expecting something else to be at play beyond Jin Guangshan's aspersions. The fact that it's that the Wens are innocent doesn't really seem to matter too much to Jiang Cheng so much as the political pressure that Wei Wuxian has placed Jiang Cheng under. Once again, this doesn't point to Jiang Cheng being involved in the camps at all.

So, in summary: I'd say that while other sects were certainly involved in the capture and punishment of the Wens, the involvement of the sect leaders of the major sects cannot be determined. Nie Mingjue, for all that he hates the Wens, isn't the sort of man to watch idly as the elderly and infirm are punished, and Lan Xichen, for all that he trusts Jin Guangyao, also isn't the sort of man to allow such cruelty to pass. The only logical explanation I can think of for why Lan or Nie cultivators would be there is if they'd been sent there to help Jin Guangyao and thus acted on his commands. Jiang Cheng, I think, can safely be categorised as definitely not having been involved due to his circumstances at the time and his own personality. When one of the inspectors mentions that other sects are involved, it is likely that they're talking about minor sects allied with the Jins (which does further strengthen the way that MXTX has framed the Jins as the next Wens, from becoming the Chief Cultivator to having a retinue of minor sects under his influence, Jin Guangshan becomes the next Wen Ruohan).

Or at least that's how I'd interpret this topic!

(This is just a little aside, but just as a little bonus let's go for it! If we step away from the text and look at the characters in terms of their purpose within the story, I think it's pretty clear that them being involved in the prison camps contradicts that purpose. This is a bit more abstract and I don't want to focus too much on this aspect of the meta because it requires a deeper level of analysis to provide evidence than the rest imho and I haven't done that, but the gist is this: when a character is created they must serve a purpose; this could be to facilitate particular events in the story, to fill in the blanks in the world or story, or to convey a particular message. As a reader I can't do more than hypothesise MXTX's intentions in creating her characters as she did, but there are a few things that are clear. While the characters of Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue are not explored in anywhere near as much depth as some of the other more central characters, they still do serve a purpose.

Lan Xichen appears in two circles, so to speak, when it comes to his character and how he adds to the story. First, he appears in relation to the Wangxian relationship. I've touched on this in this post here (Tldr mxtx explores how forgiveness and understanding based on context and personal experience will never be absolute through the example of a completely genuine and good person and how their limited information/understanding colours their interactions with specific individuals). This extends on into the second circle, which is his relationship with Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao.

Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue, as I mentioned before, parallel each other; MXTX uses this dynamic of having our primary antagonist (of sorts) surrounded by two incredibly righteous men with a strong sense of morals, and good and evil. The differences between Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen lay in how they commit to their decision of what is right and what is wrong; where Nie Mingjue is quick to form opinions and is set in his ways once he has, Lan Xichen tends to be more forgiving and passive when he is unsure of whether the person is good or not, giving his opinion more time to form and is more forgiving of errors and missteps. This guides the way the Venerated Trio's relationship evolved throughout the novel and how their side-story came to pass. It is very much hinged on the fact that Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue are both 'good' characters who exist at opposite ends of a spectrum and that such extremes is what drove those characters to ruin. Having Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen having a flexible morality – being able to torture and kill the Wens after the war, directly or indirectly – contradicts everything they've demonstrated within the novel and undermines the purpose of the characters within the novel.

MXTX already provides us with characters with dubious morality – Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng for example – so it doesn't make sense for her to pervert her morally righteous characters to fill a space that's already been filled, especially not when it sacrifices an important message about how it's not enough to simply exist as a good person and that one has to actively pursue such a life (and several others that depend on them being good people who wouldn't commit crimes such as the Jins did to the Wens after the war).

Even Jiang Cheng, who is one of the characters who has a more flexible morality that has formed around his own personal sense of retribution and benefit over anything else, would be sacrificing a lot of his own character's purpose if he had been involved in the camps. Jiang Cheng's establishment as an antagonist is largely spurred by the misunderstanding surrounding the camps and Wei Wuxian's reputation, and involving Jiang Cheng in the camps would only muddle the waters unnecessarily. There'd be no misunderstanding – only intentional cruelty – and Jiang Cheng would have no basis for his actions at all, as there would have been a direct cascade of events that would have led to Jiang Yanli's death starting from his own involvement with the Jins. The balance of the falling apart of the twin prides would shift in a irrevocable way and their entire post-resurrection relationship would have had to been modified to accommodate this.

Similarly, if MXTX had intended for Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue to be involved in the Jins' crimes, she would've put effort into making it obvious. Resolution would not necessarily have been granted to that particular storyline, but it would have been introduced and concluded in some capacity if that's the path MXTX had wanted to go down. Additionally, if everyone had known about the camps (and had been aiding the Jins too), Wei Wuxian would have been turned into a victim who was wronged by the world. The Wei Wuxian we actually have in the novel, while certainly a victim, is not entirely blameless in his end. This would have also had significant impact on the story that's being told which would most likely contradict the story that we've been presented with.

So, from a writing point of view, having Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue or Jiang Cheng involved in the camps only detracts from the story (and it's also why I hate the Lans-aren't-actually-good takes) and cheapens the story. The unnamed minor sects on the other hand would only further the stories and critiques that MXTX presents us.)

#modao zushi #wei wuxian #lan xichen #nie mingjue #jiang cheng #jin guangyao #the untamed #cql #mdzs #mdzs meta #hoooooooo boyyyyyyy this took so long to do (sorry anon!!!!)#i got very into it but im also not very good at metas and i didnt really like the whole response meta aspect of this #bc i lapped up karmiya's meta but there were also aspects i didn't agree with #and i wanted to give you a proper response with my thoughts!!#my thoughts whihc took like several months to write out saedfrgtyu

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shanastoryteller · 3 years

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Wen Qing says yes because all she can think of is the consequences if she doesn’t.

She probably should have spent some time considering what, exactly, the consequences of saying yes would be.

Wei Wuxian wants to go back to the banquet and shake Jin Zixun until the information they need falls out, but Wen Qing knows that’s a terrible idea, knows that he shouldn’t be helping her at all but he definitely shouldn’t stand in front of the whole cultivation world and threaten the Jin family for her. He asks one of the servants instead, something she wouldn’t have thought to do, but he insists that servants know everything and after a hefty bribe he’s telling them what they need to know and even turns a blind eye when they take a horse that’s been left unattended.

She’s skinny on a good day and she hasn’t seen a good day in a long time. Wei Wuxian didn’t used to be this thin, this breakable, but he is now, and she tells herself it’s a good thing because the one horse is easily able to carry both of them. He sits behind her even though he takes the reigns and she leans back into him because she’s been holding herself up for so long and she’s tired and he’s helping her, something no one has been willing to in – ever, really. She thinks she could almost count his ribs against her back and thinks if she’s alive tomorrow she’ll give him a lecture about eating properly without a golden core to nourish him.

They arrive just as a guard is raising a broken flag pole above his head to skewer A-Ning.

Wei Wuxian stops him, using a talisman to bind the man’s wrist to his own and jerking him away from her brother. Who is alive, and whole, and does not have a pole through his stomach. She’s crying when she holds him and Wei Wuxian stands between them and everyone else and looks at the guards and her people and says, “I have an idea. It’s a bad idea.”

“Your ideas usually are,” she says, but she’s still shaking at having her little brother back in her arms so it doesn’t come out as acerbic as she intended.

It is a terrible idea. She doesn’t have to agree to it.

She does.

They go to the nearest temple in Lanling because they need witnesses for this. The monks are confused and frightened but bear witness as she bows three times to Wei Wuxian and is bowed to three times in return.

She is exhausted and scared and is still unconvinced that she’ll live to see the sunrise, but Wei Wuxian had helped her when she hadn’t asked and saved her brother and wouldn’t let the guards stop them from leading her family from the work camp, so she marries him.

They go back to Koi Tower. It’s terrifying but Jiang disciples meet them and look askance at all the rest of them but don’t hesitate to obey Wei Wuxian. They surround them as they walk and if they have opinions about being told to guard traitorous Wen, they don’t voice them. Maybe the fact that they’re guarding Wei Wuxian too is enough.

They enter the banquet hall and everything is silent. She doesn’t know how to read the look on everyone’s faces and she doesn’t try. Instead she stands by Wei Wuxian’s side and does what she does best – she doesn’t flinch.

“Wei Wuxian!” Jin Guangshan shouts, appalled. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Sect Leader Jin,” he says, offhand, casual, as if having his hall filled with Wen is a perfectly ordinary occurrence. “You’re so good at throwing parties. I was hoping you would throw one for me.”

Jin Guangshan’s eyes narrow. “Why would we throw a party?”

“Well, it is my wedding day,” he says, and holds out his hand. Wen Qing places her hand in his, lets his other hand settle warm and proprietary at the small of her back. “My wife, Wen Qing. We were just married at the temple in Lanling. Feel free to question the monks if you don’t believe me.”

The silence breaks, everyone shouting now, and A-Yuan’s cry cuts through all of them.

She hadn’t known that Wei Wuxian had any experience with children, but he turns automatically, opening his arms, and Granny barely hesitates before placing A-Yuan into them. After all, if they can’t trust Wei Wuxian, they’re all dead anyway.

A-Yuan, astonishingly, quiets instantly as Wei Wuxian bounces him in his arms, settling his head on his shoulder and sticking his thumb in his mouth.

“You,” Wen Qing turns, sees Jiang Cheng looking between them, and she could probably read the look on his face but she doesn’t want to. “He’s your – you have a – was it when we, after Lotus Pier?”

She and Wei Wuxian glance at each other, and maybe this marriage will work out, because that one glance contains a whole conversation of things they can’t say. The timeline almost works. A-Yuan likely was conceived sometime around the fall of Lotus Pier. If there is a child, Wei Wuxian’s actions become more understandable, seem less like an act of war and something closer to what they really are, an act of love.

She could have, she supposes, laid with Wei Wuxian and gotten pregnant and bore a child in the years since they’ve seen each other. She didn’t, but the only ones who know that are either dead or just as desperate as she is for this to work.

Or. Well.

Jiang Yanli’s face is easier to look at, even as it does something complicated then smooths. She was there and awake while they all recovered with her and Wen Ning. She knows that she and Wei Wuxian didn’t have any sort of epic romance, or even a quick tryst, during that time. Wei Wuxian was so obsessively focused on helping his brother that the idea he’d have paused long enough for sex when he hadn’t for sleep or food is ridiculous. But Jiang Yanli meets her gaze then pointedly lowers her eyes and something like relief trickles down Wen Qing’s spine.

Wei Wuxian looks around the hall and if he hesitates over Lan Wangji, that’s a conversation for them to have later, if there is a later.

“Sect Leader Jiang,” Wei Wuxian says quietly, formally, and Jiang Cheng nearly flinches before catching himself. “Meet my son. Wei Yuan.” He lets that echo through the hall and then says, “I could not leave him, nor the woman who bore him, nor the family that raised him when I remained in ignorance.”

She lowers his gaze as if in shame, for having a child out of marriage, for keeping that child from his father, but mostly she can’t stand to see the look at Jiang Cheng’s face any longer.

There is intense debate among the clans. The Lan and surprisingly even the Nie vote against the Jin and agree for the Wen to be released to the custody of the Jiang rather than the Jin. What’s the difference between one great clan and the other, after all, and Jiang Cheng fights for this, fights for them, and Wen Qing knows he’s really fighting for Wei Wuxian. Their marriage makes things too complicated, like they’d hoped. A-Yuan makes things too complicated, and everyone in the hall mostly seems to want to go back to drinking. There is some poorly hidden sentiment that if Wei Wuxian wants a war bride he should be entitled to her, for his contribution to the war, perhaps, and Wen Qing hates these people. They do not call her and her family tribute but they imply it easily enough.

If the price of the lives of her family is her pride, that’s fine. She abandoned that a long time ago.

“You have been good for him,” Jiang Yanli tells her a month after they’ve moved into Lotus Pier, a month of being the wife to Wei Wuxian and the mother to the now Wei Yuan. She doesn’t do a particularly good job at either of these roles, she thinks, but Wei Wuxian makes a good husband and a good father and it was his idea but she can’t help but feel guilty, can’t help but think she stole for herself and her family what was meant for someone else.

Her sister in law’s words aren’t wrong, however. She doesn’t let Wei Wuxian drink so much anymore and forces him to eat. She’s there in his bed when he gasps awke from nightmares and when he can do nothing more but clutch his chest and weep. She gets the story of the Burial Mounds from him, eventually, and she doesn’t know how to heal that kind of trauma, but she holds him when he cries and thinks even if she can’t be a proper wife, she can do this, and she heals the damage demonic cultivation does to his meridians, and it seems like such little things, comparatively, but it helps.

She’s offers up the excuse that demonic cultivation makes using his sword difficult and people stop asking him to carry it. A-Ning sticks to Wei Wuxian’s side when she can’t, looking faintly sad whenever Wei Wuxian makes an unhealthy choice, which is even more effective than her scolding, although not as effective as getting A-Yuan to place his chubby hand on Wei Wuxian’s cheek and go, “Baba no.”

Without so many nightmares, with having people around he can talk to freely, with no one pestering him about his sword, Wei Wuxian shoulders all the responsibilities of first disciple and brother of the clan leader, something he apparently hadn’t been able to do before.

She knows what the rumors say. Those that had been against her and her family being set free, relatively speaking, are now patting themselves on the back. Clearly the fearsome Yiling Patriarch has been cowed by marriage. His bastard son, who he loved enough at first sight to legitimize, has softened his sharp edges.

Wen Qing knows that’s all bullshit and Jiang Yanli does too, but.

He is better.

Jiang Cheng can’t seem to decide between being relieved and grateful at having his brother back and resentful that it took Wen Qing to bring it about and – whatever his feelings about her are, and her marriage to his brother are, which she doesn’t know because she refuses to acknowledge them.

“I’m glad,” she says quietly.

Her sister in law squeezes her hand, and Wen Qing squeezes back, and if this isn’t exactly the life she wanted, well. It’s a life. That’s more than she thought she’d have.

She has a loving husband and an adorable son and living, healthy family. There is nothing for her to complain about.

Just because it all feels stolen, just because it all feels like something she never should have been given, doesn’t make it less good, doesn’t make it less hers.

Wen Qing knows that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are in love with each other because she has two functioning eyes. She’s known that since she was a teenager in Cloud Recesses.

She had not wanted to come between them. She hadn’t planned on it. This all hadn’t even been her idea.

She’s guilty enough about it that she ignores her own feelings.

At first, she doesn’t have any, not really. Then it hadn’t been right.

She’s never felt greedy before. She doesn’t like it but she doesn’t know how to stop it.

They’ve been married for over a year the first time Wei Wuxian kisses her.

They’ve been married nearly two years the first time Wei Wuxian kisses Lan Wangji.

Something settles in her then, relief burrowing into her bones. Lan Wangji comes to her after, a combination of desirously happy and mortified, and bows to her and looks her in the eye when he tells her that he’s in love with her husband.

“I know,” she says kindly, “he’s easy to love.” She pauses, then says, “I do not mind. If it’s you.”

His lips part, and she holds the place that should be his, married to Wei Wuxian, but.

She can share, if he can. Even if it can’t be official, on paper, she and Wen Ning can bear witness to him and Wei Wuxian bowing to each other and maybe she’ll finally be able to breath when she can give back some of what she stole.

There are rumors about the three of them.

They don’t listen to them.

A-Yuan calls Lan Wangji his father and no one corrects him and that’s good enough for her, really.

It’s a good life, and it’s hers, and she’s glad of it.

#fandom ficcery #untamed #what the fuck is this #i cannot emphasize enough #how much i didn't intend to write this #meant to write like four sentences just to get the idea out #and instead there's this #i just think wwx an wq would be a good married couple #i guess #i comprise the entirety of the wwx/wq community #i just think they're neat

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wri0thesley · 3 years

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my hero academia (masterlist)

♦ minors dni ♦ not sfw content is marked with: ♠ ♦ dark content/objectionable content is marked with: ⚐

fics:

✰ overhaul / chisaki kai ✰

▷ examination // 2.5k // nsfw, dark content. yandere, non-consensual drugging, medical play, dub-con, choking, needles, non-con implied. afab reader, fem pronouns ♠ ⚐ ▷ hysteria antidote // 4k // nsfw, dark content. dubious/non-consent. captive reader, medical kink, glove kink, fingering, overstimulation, edging, misogyny, breeding. ♠ ⚐ ▷ human touch // 4.5k // nsfw, explicitly chubby reader. surprisingly soft for me. sex toys, coming inside. afab reader, neutral pronouns. ♠

✰ shigaraki // tomura shigaraki ✰

▷ eager to please // 2.3k // nsfw, dark content. extremely dubious consent/non-consent. cockwarming, breeding, punishment. chubby reader. afab reader, neutral pronouns ♠ ⚐ ▷ preferred route // 4k // nsfw. dub-con. power imbalance, threat of death, fingering, finger sucking, coming inside, objectification. chubby reader. afab reader, neutral pronouns. ♠ ⚐

✰ dabi ✰

▷ foolishness as a love language // 2k // sfw, angst, hurt/comfort.

✰ twice // jin bubaigawara ✰

▷ moonlight picnic // 2.7k // sfw, ‘fake dating’, some suggestive lines, food mentions. neutral reader.

✰ hawks // keigo takami ✰

▷ refuge // 3.6k // nsfw, heats/rutting. breeding, praise kink, overstimulation. discussion of pregnancy and birth control. afab reader, fem pronouns ♠

✰ fatgum // taishiro toyomitsu ✰

▷ evening off // 3.7k // nsfw, size difference, edging, praise kink, overstimulation, dacryphilia. body image discussion. afab reader, neutral pronouns ♠

✰ eraserhead // shouto aizawa ✰

▷ catpawccino // 3k // sfw. cat cafe au fluff. gn reader

thoughts n thirsts

▷ shigaraki and a hero-worshipping new LOV member ▷ chubby reader thoughts: shigaraki, hawks, aizawa, dabi, fatgum ♠ ▷ scummy giran thoughts: 1 and 2 ♠ ▷ shigaraki somno thoughts ♠ ▷ dabi cucking hawks with his own girlfriend ♠ ▷ overhaul brain rot ft finger sucking ♠ ▷ just the tip thoughts and drabbles: dabi, overhaul, hawks ♠ ⚐ ▷ twice and compress threesome thoughts ♠ ▷ mr compress brainrot ♠ ▷ pegging shigaraki: 1 and 2 ♠ ▷ overhaul with a breeding kink ♠ ▷ giran and dacryphilia ♠ ▷ dabi corruption kink ♠ ⚐ ▷ creepy roommate shigaraki ♠ ⚐ ▷ putting on a show for compress ♠

headcanons

▷ overhaul with a corruption kink ♠ ▷ twice with a chubby afab darling ♠ ▷ kinks for twice, compress, shigaraki and dabi ♠ ▷ compress and whether he’s a boob, thigh or ass man ♠ ▷ yandere compress headcanons ⚐ ▷ giran kinks ♠ ⚐ ▷ overhaul kinks ♠ ⚐ ▷ twice, overhaul and compress reactions to s/o begging them to cum inside ♠

#masterlist #very small masterlist i just wanted to have it together lmao #bnha posting

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bettydice · 3 years

Text

I didn’t expect you to be lonely (too)

Xicheng, Modern AU, JC&WWX reconciliation, E-Rated

[Read on AO3]

Chapter 7

The night after their date, which was both a disaster and the best date he’s ever had, Jiang Cheng can't sleep. He keeps thinking about Lan Xichen’s shaking hands, the kiss, the kisses that followed, about not casually, about Wei Wuxian dating Lan Xichen's brother. About how if they're not casual, then he'll have to get over himself and at least be able to be in a room together with Wei Wuxian, or Lan Xichen will just be another person suffering from this stupid situation.

If they're… If they are something now. If it lasts. He wants it to last. Which is another thing keeping him awake. How much he already feels for Lan Xichen. How his brain has no problem providing him with… Domestic scenarios. That eventually turn into not so domestic ones. But he’s too tired to do anything about his arousal, so his brain instead comes up with scenarios where Lan Xichen tells him he regrets everything about yesterday and does not want to see him again. Those are… not fun.

Eventually, morning comes. Jiang Cheng stays in bed. He has nothing to do today, he’s tired, and there’s nothing waiting for him in his kitchen except for dirty dishes. So, he grabs his phone and watches some cute bunny compilations on YouTube. After the fifth video he does feel better, so when Wei Wuxian’s daily selfie arrives (Wei Wuxian holds up a very large mug of coffee, winking at the camera), Jiang Cheng doesn’t even get angry or sad. He actually has to smile.

He immediately gets up, gets dressed, doesn’t open the door to his kitchen, and takes the bus to his sister’s house.

Jiang Yanli doesn’t even question why he’s there, simply sets the breakfast table for one more person. Jin Zixuan also doesn’t question him, simply makes him some really strong coffee. After breakfast, he's handed Jin Ling, so his sister and her husband can do some chores, which suits him just fine, because Jin Ling is perfect and amazing and the only one who understands him. He's also a little tired and grumpy today - relatable - so Jiang Cheng ends up on the couch with Jin Ling napping on his chest. Which, alas, means he can't move because he'd wake his precious nephew. With Jin Ling’s reassuring weight keeping him glued to the couch, Jiang Cheng has no choice but to close his eyes.

"A-Cheng. Are you asleep?"

"Mhm."

"A-Cheng, wake up."

When he pries open his eyes, he sees his sister, sitting in the armchair next to the sofa, smiling at them.

"I can't move," Jiang Cheng explains.

"I understand." Of course she does, A-Jie always understands.

He does try to assume a sort of sitting position, so he can better look at her, making sure A-Ling still stays in prime napping position. She has That Look on her face, meaning she wants to Talk About Things, but won't necessarily push him.

"It's really nice that you stopped by today," Jiang Yanli says, and without calling in advance to make sure Wei Wuxian definitely won't be there goes unsaid but not unheard.

"I missed my nephew." Jiang Cheng looks down at A-Ling and smiles. He can’t see much more than one of his chubby cheeks smushed against Jiang Cheng’s chest, and it’s adorable.

"And he missed you." Jiang Yanli smiles and leans forward, so she can gently stroke A-Ling's head. "Did you have a good week?"

Jiang Cheng has to think about Lan Xichen and his kisses and his smile widens, grows impossibly soft, before he quickly tries to wipe it off his face. His sister notices it, of course, as evidenced by her slightly raised eyebrows." Yeah… It was good. "

Jiang Cheng hesitates, because he's not actually sure whether he wants to tell his sister about… All of that. For one, she's paying for his sessions. And it still doesn't feel quite real. Ten days ago he felt horrible and lonely and now Lan Xichen kissed him and is attracted to him and said "slowly, but not casually", which… Does this mean they're boyfriends? That's too quickly, isn't it? But they're not dating, because they both hate dating, but they’re not casual, so the logical conclusion…

"A-Cheng?" Apparently not the first time she's called his name.

"I think I have a boyfriend," is not what he wanted to say and yet his stupid mouth fucking betrays him. Jiang Yanli looks stunned for a few seconds - understandable - then a warm smile spreads over her face. Jiang Cheng lifts his hand, before she can say anything. "I'm… I'm not sure I want to talk about it. It's obviously a recent and surprising turn of events and who knows if anything will actually come of it, you know how I am with relationships, they end before they can start - "

"It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything, if you’re not ready yet."

Jiang Cheng gives her a grateful smile. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but…

"How are your massage sessions going? How many have you had yet?" A seemingly random change of topic, but considering…

"Oh… Those are… Good. Relaxing." Jiang Cheng narrows his eyes at his sister who looks so unassuming and innocent… Fuck. She knows. Jiang Cheng's face immediately grows hot. He doesn't know why he ever even tries to keep a secret in this family. "A-jie, how did you.. It's not… He is…"

"As I said, you don't have to talk about it. But you can. You can always talk to me. About anything."

She doesn’t mean it as a reprimand, but Jiang Cheng immediately feels guilty. He has been … many things, these past few months. Has sometimes been unfairly angry at his sister, because she still meets with Wei Wuxian, because Wei Wuxian didn't abandon her, too. Has visited less, and not only because he didn't want to risk bumping into his brother. Hadn’t wanted his sister to know how poorly he was doing, to realise how shitty everything in his life was going.

"I know. Sorry, A-jie."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"Just… For being an idiot."

His sister’s smile stays warm, but her tone is a little stern when she says: "You're not an idiot." She leans forward and gently strokes his forehead. Just like she usually does with A-Ling. Just like...

The door opens and someone enters the room. Jiang Cheng turns towards the wall, mortified. Since his sister isn’t home, it must be Wei Wuxian.

“Fuck off.”

Wei Wuxian does not, of course, fuck off. Instead, he comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed.

“I really liked your poem. Which is saying a lot, because I barely made it through without screaming. Horrifying subject matter.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t answer, just squeezes his eyes shut and tries to get his tears to stop falling with the power of his mind.

“You described that dog in such vivid detail, I thought I’d have a heart attack!”

Is Wei Wuxian here to make fun of him? He knows it was just a stupid little poem that can’t compare to getting first place at that stupid science fair. Isn’t it enough to hear that from his mother - does his brother have to rub it in, too? He knows he’s pathetic, crying about this like a little boy.

“Huaisang was raving about it all afternoon. He really liked the… meter you used. Whatever that means.”

Jiang Cheng wipes his face and turns around. Just enough so he can see his brother out of the corner of his eye. “He said that?”

“Yeah! He also said ‘I didn’t realise Jiang Cheng was able to create such beautiful metaphors, I think I’m going to put him on my list of people I’d allow to give me a blowjob.”

Jiang Cheng groans and fully turns around, so he can throw a pillow at his brother. “He didn’t say that!”

Wei Wuxian easily catches the pillow and grins. “It was implied! Anyway… I thought, maybe you want to write some lyrics for Yiling Laozu? I feel like our metaphor game is really lacking at the moment.”

Jiang Cheng frowns. “If you’re just taking the piss…”

“I mean it!” Wei Wuxians reaches out like he wants to wipe Jiang Cheng’s tears, but seems to think better of it. Instead, he starts stroking Jiang Cheng’s forehead.

Jiang Cheng feels… like his tears are going to return. He frowns even harder. “I’m not a fucking baby. Stop that.”

“Aw, but that’s where you’re wrong! You’re my baby brother! Sweet little ChengCheng!”

“Fuck off!”

Jiang Cheng tries to shove Wei Wuxian from the bed with his foot, but Wei Wuxian tackles him instead, wraps his arms around him and squeezes him. Coos into his ear in a disgustingly sweet voice: “My talented Didi! My precious A-Di! Just a tiny, tiny baby with the heart of a poet!”

Jiang Cheng complains loudly and tries to free himself. But he can’t help but laugh.

"Wei Wuxian sends me a selfie every morning." Once again, his stupid mouth does things without his permission.

"Does he now." Jiang Yanli doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the fact Jiang Cheng’s word vomit jumps from possible boyfriend to Wei Wuxian’s selfies.

"He wouldn't do that if he didn't want anything to do with me… Right?"

"He wouldn't. He misses you.” Jiang Yanli, still stroking his head, hesitates, before she says: “Maybe you can consider it… an opening?"

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes for a while, as though that would help him sort the emotional chaos in his mind.

"Wei Wuxian is dating Lan Xichen's brother."

"Yes."

"Are they… Is it serious?"

Just like Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian never had relationships. But not because he was inherently unlovable or scared everyone off with his frown, or anything like that. He used to get crushes all the time that fizzled out just as quickly, said it would be too selfish to be tied down, everyone should be able to enjoy the wonders of being with Wei Wuxian. Though his brother also got way less action than he let people assume.

"Oh, they're… definitely serious." Jiang Yanli laughs.Jiang Cheng opens his eyes again. He wants to ask more, as though now he's fed the monster in his chest scraps of Wei Wuxian’s life, it has realised it’s been starving and craves more and more.

In comparison, it actually seems safer to talk about Lan Xichen. "Lan Xichen might be my boyfriend. Possibly. Hopefully?"

Jiang Yanli, once again, doesn’t comment on the topic change. She does pull back her hand and sits upright, a curious look on her face. "Might?"

"So, we went on a date and we concluded we both dislike dating but like each other and… And he said we should do this ‘slowly, but not casually’. And we… Well, the date ended very… It was nice. So. What do you think?"

He resolutely stares at a spot just above Jiang Yanli's shoulder, refusing to acknowledge his burning face. He's just hot because he's trapped under his nephew who is in the 93rd percentile of weight for toddlers his age. Jiang Cheng’s not sure what it means, but he chooses to believe that A-Ling is stronger and better than 92% of toddlers. And louder than 99%. He’s very proud of his nephew.

"It does sound as though you're both interested in pursuing a relationship with each other."

"So you don't think it's too early?"

"Too early for what?"

"Just… Thinking about him like that."

"You did already like him when you were a teenager."

"What the fuck?” Jiang Cheng does look at her then, mouth open in shock. ”How did you… Nie Huaisang told you, didn't he?"

"He didn't have to." Jiang Yanli tries to hide her smile behind her hand, but Jiang Cheng knows it's there.

Jiang Cheng is just… going to move past this. "But I didn't know him back then. I've not even known him for two weeks and already..."

I'm in love with him. It's not like it's not like him. Jiang Cheng doesn't fall for people often, but when he does, he falls hard. It's just that until now, none of them (none of the two people he’s liked like this before) had ever liked him back.

"Sometimes, two people just fit well together."

Jiang Cheng immediately wants to say "Nobody would fit well with me, I only have sharp edges" but his sister would disagree immediately. And… He can't deny it does feel like they… They just fit, somehow. Even if Jiang Cheng often feels like he doesn't even fit his own skin, like his life doesn't fit him. Spending time with Lan Xichen had been easy from the beginning, the only complications being the issues Jiang Cheng brings into every interaction with another human. And bunny pee.

Jiang Cheng can't help but laugh at the memory.

"Whatever is happening between you two... I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy, A-Cheng, no matter what you think." Jiang Yanli puts her hand on his shoulder, so he can’t help looking at her. Jiang Cheng does, even though his eyes are burning. His sister looks… intense. The way she looks when something is truly, deeply important to her. "You also deserve to find out that A-Xian doesn't hate you. That he loves and misses you. That he's just as scared he's lost you forever. One of you just has to be brave so you can both realize you still love each other."

Jiang Cheng is saved from having to give a response that's not just crying hysterically, by a very… specific sound coming from his nephew, followed by a very specific smell. Followed by A-Ling waking up and crying, loudly.

"Do you want to take care of this?" his sister asks, resigned to the fact he definitely won’t want to do that. Luckily, there's a solution.

"Jin Zixuan! Hey, come here! Your son is crying for you!" Jiang Cheng yells, sitting upright and carefully holds A-Ling away from his body.

Jin Zixuan does immediately come rushing into the living room, only to frown as soon as the smell hits him.

"Would you mind, A-Xuan…?" his sister asks with the sweetest smile and, of course, Jin Zixuan grabs A-Ling without any complaints, only sends a dark look in Jiang Cheng's direction, who smirks at him.

Jiang Cheng spends the entire day at their house. He helps his sister cook, takes A-Ling to the playground, takes another nap with A-Ling during the afternoon. When hehe falls into his bed at night, his mind feels much quieter and he can sleep peacefully.

Jiang Cheng’s next appointment isn’t until Tuesday, but they exchange a lot of messages in the meantime. Lan Xichen sends him pictures of the bunnies, of his plants, and of his meals. Jiang Cheng, who has neither pets nor meals worthy of taking pictures, suddenly finds himself going on a lot of walks, so he can send Lan Xichen pictures of trees and artsy shots of leaves in puddles. Lan Xichen told him to keep the scarf, so he wears it every time he leaves the house. It keeps him warm.

Now, standing in front of Lan Xichen’s door, Jiang Cheng suddenly feels nervous. They agreed to not mix business with pleasure, so to say. It will be just a very normal session. But Lan Xichen already invited him to stay for dinner after and Jiang Cheng enthusiastically agreed.

It's not a date, because they don't date, but… Will they kiss? He wouldn't mind more kisses…

Lan Xichen greets him with his usual smile and they stare awkwardly at each other for only about ten seconds before Lan Xichen asks him to come inside. He smiles when Jiang Cheng takes off the scarf.

They do manage to keep the session professional, except for one little moment. When Lan Xichen wraps Jiang Cheng in a towel and tucks in the edges, he also tucks a stray hair behind Jang Cheng’s ear. They share a soft look and a smile, then Lan Xichen clears his throat and leaves the room after turning on the music.

Later, they prepare dinner together, and his nervousness earlier turns out to be unfounded. It’s easy for them to just switch into… Jiang Cheng calls it ‘Boyfriend Mode’ in his head, though he’d never say it out loud. Lan Xichen is a very tactile person and Jiang Cheng finds he’s a person who… craves touch. Sometimes their hands will brush against each other, or Jiang Cheng will lean against Lan Xichen, or Lan Xichen will put his hand on Jiang Cheng’s waist or the small of his back. It just seems to come naturally for them and… He never knew or expected it could be this easy.

They kiss. It is simple, like their other touches. Lan Xichen is stirring the pot, while Jiang Cheng tells him about a cute dog he saw during one of his walks. Their eyes meet, Lan Xichen smiles, Jiang Cheng returns the smile. Lan Xichen leans towards him. They kiss. Short, but very tender. Lan Xichen smiles again, his whole face lights up and they kiss again, a little longer. It feels… like a habit. As though they’ve been doing this for a long time, as though they will be doing this for a long time. Which doesn’t mean it’s not also exciting. It makes him feel hot, but in a way that’s soothing… Like drinking hot cocoa after walking through the snow.

During dinner, Lan Xichen asks him about his weekend and Jiang Cheng tells him about the time he spent with A-Ling, which reminds him of the conversation he had with his sister. Jiang Cheng’s first instinct is to ignore that reminder… but Lan Xichen said honesty is very important to him. Jiang Cheng should be upfront. They need to talk about their families and how they want to tell them sooner or later anyway, if this is... And considering their brothers’ relationship… He doesn't want to be responsible for Lan Xichen getting in situations where he might have to lie to his brother or conceal something from him.

So Jiang Cheng spends the rest of the meal trying to mentally prepare himself for yet another conversation about their relationship, possibly about feelings, too. He’s had so many of those in the past few weeks. Maybe all the conversations he’s avoided over the past year can’t be pushed back anymore, and are now trying to break through all at once. Maybe it’s him being selfish… he knows he needs to sort out his life if he wants to be with Lan Xichen. Or maybe… when he cried in front of Lan Xichen and felt safe and understood instead of humiliated… maybe that helped him to stop running away from conversations that scared him.

"Lan-laoshi…There's something I wanted to talk about with you."

"Ah, maybe drop the laoshi when we're... like this?" Lan Xichen chuckles lightly, as he closes the dishwasher. Then he sits back down at the kitchen table and smiles warmly at Jiang Cheng. “What did you want to talk about?”

"Right, I can do that… anyway, I should tell you… I told my sister. About you. Us. This." Jiang Cheng takes a sip from his water, so he stops adding unnecessary words. "I hope that's okay? We didn't really discuss whether… and things are a little complicated right now anyway, with our families… "

Lan Xichen's eyes widen a little. He looks surprised, but not concerned. "Oh, of course. I don’t mind at all."

"Have you… have you told your brother yet?"

"Ah… Wangji knows that there is someone, but… “ Lan Xichen cocks his head, then says softly: “I understand your relationship with Wei Wuxian is somewhat tense at the moment, so… Would you want to tell your brother yourself?"

Jiang Cheng can't help the bitter laugh that escapes him. "I'm not talking to my brother at all these days."

"Oh, I didn't realise… That must be difficult, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's my fault."

Right. Lan Xichen doesn't know. Once he knows, he'll probably be disappointed in him. Maybe get second thoughts after all. He really shouldn't have told his sister, it's too early, too fragile, Nie Huaisang knows too… Soon, they'll both know when Jiang Cheng gets rightfully dumped and…

Lan Xichen rests his hand warmly on top of Jiang Cheng's. His eyes and his smile are just as warm. The gesture is both a reassurance and an invitation. Jiang Cheng doesn’t have to talk about it, doesn’t have to say anything, but he could.

And he really can. He could… tell Lan Xichen anything. Show him the worst parts of himself and… Even if it changes his opinion of Jiang Cheng, he wouldn’t make him feel worse than he already does.

It's not really a conversation that can be avoided, is it? So he should just go ahead and get it over with.

“I do want to tell you… it’s just…” Jiang Cheng sighs and drags a hand over his face. “I’m not sure I can do… I’ve never… So I don’t know how I would… I might be a mess.”

Lan Xichen simply smiles, nods, and says: “Alright.”

Fifteen minutes later, Jiang Cheng is sitting on the couch, a pot of tea is on the table in front of him, and the bunnies are exploring the living room. Lan Xichen places a box of tissues on the couch table, before sitting down next to him. Jiang Cheng can’t help but laugh at that.

He’s never actually tried to put into words what happened, because Jiang Yanli knows what happened. He assumes Wei Wuxian told her, anyway, and the rest she must’ve guessed correctly because she knows them so well… And he’s been ignoring anyone else who could ask about it. So now he has to find words to give to Lan Xichen, has to tell him about how horrible Jiang Chang has been, can be, when he wants to show him anything but.

Jiang Cheng is too scared to look at him while he talks. Scared to see the very moment Lan Xichen switches from sympathy to judgment. He doesn’t want to see Lan Xichen’s eyes when they start seeing him the same way Jiang Cheng sees himself.

He tries to stick to the facts: After Jiang Yanli moved in with Jin Zixuan, they sold their family home.Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were going to get a flat closer to uni together. They found one; Jiang Cheng paid for the deposit. A week after the move, the day before their moving in party, Wei Wuxian told him he was moving in with the Wens instead to help take care of A-Yuan, since Wen Ning’s hospital stay didn’t seem to be a short one. Jiang Cheng got angry. They had a fight (Jiang Cheng barely remembers what they said) that ended with Jiang Cheng telling Wei Wuxian he’s free to leave. Specifically told him to ‘go the fuck away and stay away’. And Wei Wuxian listened. In the past year, they’ve seen each other two times: Jiang Yanli’s birthday and Jin Ling’s birthday.

Saying it out loud, hearing it out loud…

“So, in conclusion: I’m a fucking asshole. Now you know.” Jiang Cheng laughs, a bitter sound, and his fingernails dig into his palms. He still can’t look at Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen… doesn’t say anything. But he takes his hand.

“Thank you for telling me.”

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes. Will this be followed by ‘I didn’t realise this is the kind of person you are’ or ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t be doing this with you’? He knows Lan Xichen won’t actually say either of this, but…

“Wanyin… would you look at me?”

Jiang Cheng really doesn’t want to, but… Lan Xichen said his name so carefully, so gently… He opens his eyes and turns his head.

Lan Xichen’s eyes are still kind.

Jiang Cheng’s heart draws tight, so tight it hurts. And then… it softens.

Lan Xichen smiles. This is not unusual. After all, he’s very generous with his smiles. Jiang Cheng still finds himself surprised.

“You must have been very hurt.” Lan Xichen squeezes his hand when he says this. Which is good, because Jiang Cheng can focus on that instead. On the warmth of his hand, his elegant, long fingers covering his. Instead of… How Lan Xichen picked this to focus on, after everything he said.

Did he make it sound like it was Wei Wuxian’s fault? He’s been hiding behind his anger and blame for so long, maybe that has influenced his telling of the events. Maybe Lan Xichen got the wrong idea. “I… Yes, but… that’s no excuse. He was just helping… he was doing the right thing, even if I… and it’s been so long, so I should really… I should have apologized a long time ago, I’m the one who messed it all up.”

“Are you waiting for him to make the first step?”

He can’t hear any judgment in Lan Xichen’s voice. He’s not saying ‘this is your fault, so you should be the one apologizing’. He’s simply asking about Jiang Cheng’s feelings, because he thinks they matter. Though there’s nothing simple about his feelings.

Jiang Cheng has verbalized this part many times. Has said ‘he abandoned me, he should be the one who apologises’, and variations of it, to his sister. But deep down it’s not what he actually thinks. Because Lan Xichen’s eyes are still kind, because he’s holding his hand, because there’s no judgment, because he doesn’t expect him to answer a certain way… Jiang Cheng tries to be honest.

“I think I am. He’s always… Whenever we fought, he was always the one… Well, he didn’t apologise, but he just went back to teasing me, went back to normal… He knows I just get angry, no matter what I actually feel, he used to know that… I thought it’d be the same this time. But… So, maybe he doesn’t want to make up.”

Tears burn in his eyes and he’s not sure it’s even worth the effort trying to hold them back. They’ll spill sooner or later, just like these words are spilling from his mouth, now that he’s allowing them to. He’s still looking at Lan Xichen’s hand. At both their hands, resting on Lan Xichen’s thigh. Lan Xichen’s thumb strokes the back of his hand, so Jiang Cheng continues.

“If I went to him, he would come back. He’s always… I know he would. But I don’t want to be an obligation or a burden for him. I don’t want him to feel pity for me. If he doesn’t want to… And I understand, our relationship has never been easy. We always existed in comparison to each other and I know he held himself back sometimes, to make up for my lacking… I had thought, with my parents gone it would be - which is a horrible thought - but I thought it would get easier, gentler. But I guess I’m still me. So… I understand. And if he thinks I hate him, he’ll stay away. He seems happy with his life, so…”

Jiang Cheng is crying now, can’t even be bothered by it. And there’s still more words waiting to burst out of him, finally freed after a year of living only in the darkest corners of Jiang Cheng’s heart. Lan Xichen still isn’t saying anything, just listens to everything, holds his hand, shares his warmth with Jiang Cheng, so he doesn’t feel cold while baring himself.

“I can’t help it though, I’m still… I’m still angry. Not just at myself, at him. He said we’d always be brothers, would always be together… I know it’s childish, but he shouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. If he was able to just leave like that, he shouldn’t have… They were my friends, too, I could have helped! He just made his choice and left! And fine, if he’s happier that way… Fine! But then he sends me his stupid selfies, every fucking day! Who does that? Why would he… He should just stay gone, if that’s what he wants!”

He draws in a shuddering breath and sinks back against the couch. There. He’s said everything he’s been holding in. He feels… He doesn’t know what he feels. Drained? Relieved?

Though there’s one more thing, one last thought that wants to escape: “I miss him so much.”

They’re both quiet for a while. Jiang Cheng, who is avoiding Lan Xichen’s eyes again, grabs a tissue and wipes his face. He’s thinking about making a ‘funny’ comment about how the tissues did come in handy after all to break the silence, but Lan Xichen is quicker: “Can I give you a hug?”

Jiang Cheng turns to look at him and… He doesn’t know what to make of Lan Xichen’s expression, his voice. There’s understanding and sympathy, but he also looks… sad, maybe, and it feels like he’s asking to be hugged just as much as he’s asking to give a hug. Jiang Cheng nods and immediately, Lan Xichen lets go of his hand, wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. Jiang Cheng returns the hug tightly, buries his face in Lan Xichen’s hair. Tightens his hold whenever Lan Xichen does the same.

The hug is maybe one of the best he’s ever received. Lan Xichen hugs without restraint. Doesn't hold back, doesn’t feel embarrassed about wanting to hold someone. Doesn't feel embarrassed about seeking such closeness.

Jiang Cheng feels warm and safe and… liked. Even after everything he just said. So he keeps holding on to him until Lan Xichen eventually draws back. He doesn’t fully let go of Jiang Cheng, he only pulls away enough to smile down at him.

“Thank you for telling me. That can’t have been easy.”

“Uh, well, thank you for listening. And it… well, actually it ended up being too easy. Sorry, I just kinda barfed up all those words.” Oh fuck, way to ruin a moment.

However, Lan Xichen simply laughs, before he turns more serious again. “Do you want to hear my thoughts? Or do you just want to rest now?”

Oh… He is exhausted. But simply the fact Lan Xichen gives him this choice is enough to makes him want to keep talking. “I’d like to hear what you think.”

Lan Xichen turns a little, so they can look at each other more comfortably. Jiang Cheng also adjusts his position, until they’re facing each other. Lan Xichen takes Jiang Cheng’s hand again, while the other rests on Jiang Cheng’s knee.

“I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

Jiang Cheng grimaces at such an obvious lie. Lan Xichen chuckles and lifts his hand to smooth out Jiang Cheng’s frown with his fingertips. “Don’t frown, let me finish talking.”

He rolls his eyes a little, but stops frowning and nods.

“I think your anger is very understandable. Your hurt, too. It’s easy to look back at this moment and see everything that went wrong, what you could have done better. But back then you were shocked and hurt, so you lashed out. It doesn’t matter if your brother had good intentions, or did ‘the right thing’... that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset how it affected you.”

Lan Xichen casually wipes away a tear that escaped Jiang Cheng’s eye and continues talking.

“It seems you’ve carried around this moment since then, have thought about it every day, have regretted it every day. And every additional day you weren’t talking made what you did worse in your eyes. So with every day that goes by, trying to fix it becomes even harder. But I don’t think it’s impossible, not at all. What you told me just now… you could tell it to Wei Wuxian.”

Jiang Cheng, who had been stunned into silence by Lan Xichen’s words simultaneously piercing his heart and soothing it, adamantly shakes his head. Probably frowns again. “ Fuck no. I can’t talk with him about this… I’m not good at talking about my feelings.”

“Oh?” Lan Xichen seems to be holding back a laugh. “But you just did it. Very well, in my opinion.”

“That’s different!”

“How?”

“Well… because you’re you. And Wei Wuxian and I… we never talked about the painful stuff because we knew it would end badly. And even if I would manage to talk about it without getting angry or saying hurtful things… Getting him to talk honestly about his feelings would be just as difficult.”

“Maybe he’s been thinking about this as much as you did and has his own regrets.”

Jiang Cheng's first instinct is, of course, to disagree, but… Lan Xichen has said so many things he wants to be true, has said things that felt true… “Yeah… maybe.”

“I know confronting the issue is scary. But maybe it’s more scary to think this… hm… this limbo you’re in will continue? You’re regretting, you’re missing him… but you’re also still hoping. I think so, anyway.”

“Yeah…” Jiang Cheng rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah… maybe… “

Lan Xichen looks at him fondly, eyes crinkling. He caresses his cheek again, wiping a few more tears in the process. Jiang Cheng would like to hug him again, would like to kiss him, to bury himself in his warmth. But he realises he really needs to blow his nose, so he does that instead of any of those much nicer things. “Ugh… sorry. Somehow I always end up crying all over you.”

“Ah, last time it was my turn, now you again… it can be our thing.”

Jiang Cheng gives him an incredulous look and they both laugh. “No thank you, that sounds exhausting. I’m sure we can think of something less emotionally draining.”

Lan Xichen hums, clearly amused and presses a kiss to the back of Jiang Cheng’s hand. “True, that would definitely be preferable. But… just for the record… I do not mind. Thank you for trusting me with this. I know how difficult it is to show someone… the parts of yourself you’re ashamed of. It’s something I’m still struggling with. ...As you know.”

Lan Xichen seems embarrassed, which Jiang Cheng cannot accept, so he lifts their hands and presses a kiss to Lan Xichen’s hand this time. “I do trust you. And I… you’re much better at all of this, of course, but you can trust me too, with stuff like that. I’ll try to be… you know... Uhm, anyway, I think I do feel catharsis now! So maybe that’s just our thing, haha.”

“Mhm, definitely sounds better than emotional devastation. Though I suppose they often are closely linked.”

They share another smile, and Jiang Cheng once again thinks how much he’d like to kiss him. But once again, he doesn’t. He suddenly becomes painfully aware of the dried tears on his cheeks, so he excuses himself to go wash his face. He returns to Lan Xichen sitting on the floor between the bunnies and joins him.

This time, Cloud doesn’t pee on him. Lan Xichen still drives him home later and they kiss in the car.

There’s an underlying tenderness every time Lan Xichen touches him. Jiang Cheng only hopes his own touch feels the same. But this kiss… It’s really… They’ve been good at kissing from the start. But this time…It leaves him breathless.

It’s a kiss like their hug earlier. Without embarrassment. Without the need to hold back or hide any feelings. Even though Lan Xichen would have every reason to be cautious.

Once they’ve caught their breath, Lan Xichen invites him over for Thursday afternoon. No massage this time. Just a walk, then tea and cake at his apartment after. Jiang Cheng agrees, obviously. Even if he had class or something, he’d probably still agree. After a kiss like that…

Later, he finds himself in bed with a notebook. It’s a present Wei Wuxian got him - made for him - for his 18th birthday. It has Jiang Cheng’s poems, in beautiful calligraphy… and with illustrations by Wei Wuxian. He even drew a dog for him.

Wei Wuxian… probably misses him, too.

Maybe they can be better brothers after all this. Maybe Jiang Cheng can be a better brother.

The thought of contacting him is still terrifying. But… it feels like the terror becomes smaller.

So, maybe soon…

#the untamed #mdzs #xicheng #Jiang Cheng #Lan Xichen #cql #modern au #JC actually talks about his feelings #To Meet You verse #betty drabbles

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soft-bellied-tannies · 7 months

Text

A Dinner and Dessert Too Many

Read here or on AO3! - Chubtober Day 2

---

“Ggukie! Perfect timing, dinner’s ready!” Jin called out as soon as Jungkook walked in the front door.

Jungkook let out a little sigh as his hand landed on his full stomach, having just gotten pizza with his friends after his evening class was dismissed early - a little post-project celebration.

Just as he was about to say he had already eaten, Jungkook entered the dining room and saw Hoseok and Yoongi bringing a bunch of banchan dishes to the table surrounding a large platter of samgyeopsal.

“Jinnie made your favorite, baby. We know you just turned in your final project so we wanted to spoil you a bit,” Namjoon said with a sweet smile.

Jungkook’s eyes widened, realizing there was no way he could say no to their loving gesture.

“Wow, it smells amazing. Thank you, hyungs.”

He received various responses of love and praise, encouraging him to take a seat while they finished setting the table - telling him he was the guest of honor and deserved to sit and relax while they served him.

With a bolstering deep breath, Jungkook tried to think hungry thoughts and ignore the first dinner in his stomach already. His boyfriends were being so lovely and showed their pride in him so he could reject their gesture.

Taehyung joined them, seeming to have just showered. He smacked a loud kiss on Jungkook’s forehead and said he couldn’t wait to see the younger’s final edit of his short film.

Jin entered from the kitchen with the last round of plates and greeted Jungkook with a kiss as well.

“I hope you’re hungry, I made extra just for you. You deserve it.”

Jungkook smiled and thanked Jin again while trying to think about how much food he was going to eat that night. He could already feel his stomach stretching to make more room.

On a night with an empty stomach, he would have been over the moon with this spread, but right now, Jungkook was simply hoping that the button on his jeans held strong or he would at least get a free moment to unbutton his pants for more space.

Once everyone was seated, Jungkook realized an empty chair was at their table.

Just as he started to ask where the seventh person was, the front door opened, revealing Jimin, who had a beaming smile on his face and a cake box in his hands.

“Bun! You did it! Congratulations!” Jimin declared, opening the box to reveal a beautiful cake from Jungkook’s favorite bakery.

The smile came naturally in response to Jimin’s radiant energy; Jungkook almost grew teary-eyed at the pure show of love for every one of his boyfriends.

He accepted an excited kiss from Jimin and told him the cake looked delicious, even though the thought of eating dessert after the impending second dinner made his head spin.

Jin started dishing out the food as soon as Jimin took his seat, of course, starting with Jungkook, who received a literal mountain of food on his plate. The sight of pork belly stacked up in front of him made Jungkook a little nauseous.

He tried to give himself a little bit of time to digest more of his first dinner by excitedly telling his boyfriends all about his final project. His enthusiasm was genuine since Jungkook was very proud of his work, but the explanation and follow-up questions around the table did help his stomach find some more space.

Jungkook focused the next twenty minutes on Jin’s delicious food and ignored every signal from his brain and body to stop eating. He was more than full, but the food was incredible and made with love, so how could Jungkook possibly seem ungrateful by tapping out early?

Of all days to wear nice clothes for his presentation, it certainly was not working in Jungkook’s favor. The form-fitting waistband of his dress pants offered little to no stretch. It was fighting against the growing bloat of his full stomach, causing a pinching discomfort at his sides.

Surveying the table, Jungkook waited until he could find a window of time where his boyfriends were distracted with conversation. He continued to take small bites as a show that he was still eating his food while the other hand rested on the button of his pants. The moment never came, though, and Jungkook was stuck hoping and praying that he didn’t send the button flying off his waistband. Thankfully, the table was quickly running out of food, and he was able to get down the last few bites of meat on his plate.

Jungkook could have kissed Hoseok when he was the first to stand and start clearing some plates from the table. He knew they would want to immediately cut the cake and give him even more food to power through, so he knew the pants needed to come off first. “Hyungs, is it okay if I go change and get comfortable before we cut the cake?” Jungkook asked sweetly, still sitting down in an attempt to hide his impressive food baby. He always had a big appetite, but he had well and truly overeaten tonight having two dinners back-to-back with large servings at both meals.

“Of course, Gguk-ah, we will give you a pass on cleaning up tonight,” Yoongi replied, placing a kiss on the top of Jungkook’s head as he walked behind him toward the kitchen sink. Jungkook genuinely smiled at Yoongi’s response since he felt very loved and spoiled by his boyfriends. He waited until everyone was mostly away from the table or at least distracted by the discussion of who would do the dishes before he got up.

With a quick turn and the quickest walk he could manage, Jungkook made his way to find his biggest pair of sweatpants and hoodie. He locked himself in the bathroom to change which would have been a red flag to any of his boyfriends had they followed him.

The button on his pants put up a bit of a fight since it had little room to move, but the relief Jungkook felt when he finally got it undone was heavenly. His stomach somehow expanded even more without the constricting band, bigger than he had ever seen his typically flat belly.

Catching a glance of himself in the mirror, Jungkook felt his cheeks warm with embarrassment. He couldn’t believe the state of his bloated middle. How had he convinced himself to be so gluttonous to eat two dinners instead of just being honest?

The unmoving stare at his reflection was finally interrupted when Tae’s voice called out for him to hurry up. Jungkook startled and then began pulling on his comfortable clothes, ignoring the fact that his waistband sitting below his stomach only further emphasized the roundness of his bloated belly.

Pulling on his hoodie to hide the evidence, Jungkook avoided the mirror as he left the bathroom. He made his way back downstairs and found his boyfriends spread out around the living room with Iron Man pulled up on the TV.

The self-loathing part of his brain had been overpowered by the tears threatening his eyes from the absolute kindhearted love of his partners. Jungkook walked further into the room, seeing the open spot in the middle of the sectional for him. However, he also saw the massive serving of cake one of them prepared for him.

Any other night, Jungkook would have been more than excited to dig into the sweet confection, but the thought of eating more still made him a bit nauseous. He slowly took his seat between Jimin and Taehyung, knowing that his affectionate boyfriends would cuddle up to him as soon as they could.

Jungkook instinctively accepted the plate from Namjoon who picked it up and handed it to him with a loving smile, telling him that they were proud of him which was enough to make Jungkook want to cry again. He took a bite right away and thanked Jimin again for picking it up since it was really his favorite.

His stomach accepted the first few bites, finding more room for the new sugary flavor. Jungkook nearly said thank you when Taehyung asked for a bite, happily sharing which probably was shocking to his boyfriends who were used to his more selfish tendencies when it comes to food.

Focusing on the movie was a good enough excuse not to finish his cake, acting as if he didn’t know Taehyung was stealing bites from his extra large slice. Jungkook thought he was in the clear until he felt Jimin’s gentle hand reach across him to cuddle in closer.

Neither Jimin nor Taehyung said a word when they felt him tense up even though they certainly noticed it. While they just continued cuddling him without recognizing Jungkook’s strange behavior, one of their boyfriends was more keenly watching.

The movie came to an end and Jungkook finally felt that he had digested a small portion of his large two-part dinner and dessert. Jimin had fallen asleep on Jungkook’s shoulder with a hand thankfully on his thigh instead of his stomach. Taehyung was just as invested in the movie and didn’t say a word if he noticed anything.

Namjoon gave Jungkook a kiss before picking up Jimin to carry him to bed while Taehyung happily went off to another bedroom with Yoongi and Hoseok who all gave Jungkook their goodnight kisses, leaving Jungkook with Jin.

Jungkook knew he wouldn’t be able to completely hide his still-bloated stomach from Jin, but he was hoping to avoid acknowledging it. His eldest boyfriend offered his hands to help Jungkook up and Jin stepped behind him, instantly noticing the tension in the younger’s shoulders.

Jin wrapped his arms around Jungkook’s waist and kissed his shoulder, one hand slipping below the oversized hoodie. He couldn’t help the smirk when he heard the quiet gasp from Jungkook.

Stopping them from walking so their boyfriends couldn’t hear them, Jin ran his hand up and down Jungkook’s belly and whispered, “Still feeling full, baby?”

“W-What?” Jungkook stuttered out, feeling that warmth return to his cheeks.

“Oh, come on now, you can’t hide from your hyung. You know that,” Jin teased, pinching Jungkook’s side causing the younger to flinch further back into Jin’s chest.

“I-”

“Jungkook-ah, you could’ve told me you were full. I wouldn’t have been upset.”

“But-”

“But…instead, you decided to eat another full dinner and dessert until you couldn’t eat anymore, right?”

Jungkook’s face was on fire now, not only embarrassed to have been caught but knowing the fact that Jin had known the entire time. Had he been thinking rationally, Jungkook would have remembered that Jin had all their shared locations in case of emergencies and surprises so he knew that the youngest was at a pizza place instead of class before coming home.

Deciding he couldn’t fight it now, Jungkook went with the other approach. “Hyung…” he pouted, turning over his shoulder to give Jin his best puppy eyes.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that and keep walking. Maybe hyung will even give you a belly rub if you’re good,” Jin responded, his tone even more teasing than before.

Jungkook whined again but continued up to the other open bedroom, trying to ignore the fact that Jin’s warm hand on his taut stomach felt very comforting. “Don’t tease me, Jinnie-hyung. I just wanted to be grateful since you all did so much to celebrate for me.”

Jin smiled and laid another gentle kiss on Jungkook’s neck. “Our sweet Ggukie. Tell you what, this will be our little secret, okay?”

Even though he originally thought he wanted to take that night to his grave without anyone ever knowing, Jungkook had to admit that Jin’s moderate teasing and tender touch made him think that accidentally eating way too much wasn’t so bad.

#soft bellied tannies #chubby bts #bts feedism #implied feeder jin #sbt chubtober

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artsyxloner · 3 years

Text

Not Just a Monster

Warning: severe Bullying, death, violence, very sad, eating disorder

[ So this Chapter is going to talk about some parts of Min Soo-Nico's past and leading up to what happened. I think you guys deserve some insight. Chapter 18 will return to normal. ]

17: Past Time Revealed

To be honest, the school was a place for kids just to be Terrorized and shrunken down to their little last fuck. I had walked out of the art class gripping my Sketchbook in hand.

I had bowed to my teacher Mrs. Choi before going. Just to be polite most kids weren't here. She smiled and waved me off, it was lunchtime and I had brought my Dosirak ( packed lunch) with me.

I had to stop by my homeroom to put away my sketchbook.

I decided not to eat at the canteen because it was too crowded. Plus I didn't like certain people that were there. So I eat outside it was much prettier not to be eating in.

Sitting down on a bench, I opened my container there was Tofu kimchi, white sticky rice. Taking my chopsticks I began to eat. It wasn't much because my mom has been limiting my portions.

She wants me to be like one of the skinny girls that didn't have to wear a large size skirt. Munching slowly, I heard a group of kids laughing Hysterically behind me.

Maybe they were laughing at something funny. Turning around to see what it was, there was nothing I got confused about? Where was it? But they continued to laugh.

The thing was they were staring at me laughing. But why? Their phones were out too. Like they were taking pictures or videos I didn't know for sure.

Calling to them I asked what was so funny. " what are you guys laughing at?" I yelled, they whispered to one other ignoring me. Soon they ran over to where I was.

" I think if you see this, you'll understand why we are." It was Kim Ji-Mun the new girl with the best visuals in our grade. " have a look." She turned the expensive phone towards me.

And what I saw next made me drop my chopsticks. My eyes were stuck on the screen I couldn't take my eyes off of it. " delete that!!" I begged to get up, trying to fix myself.

" Now why would I do that?" She scoffed, " no way, I think we'll be posting them?" I shook my head. " no you can!" I yelled my body started to shake. It was a picture of my skirt it had been brought up showing my underwear.

Students gathered around, seeing what the commotion was. I gulped, staring at the ground, " please, don't show anyone." I mumbled not able to take the embarrassment. If the others were to see I would the laughing stock of the whole school.

" wow this is embarrassing, fatty I just" she paused, " can't pass up this opportunity." She then took a photo of me either the flash on and posted the two pictures together to show the person with their skirt up was me.

There were some Notification alerts, everywhere, people looked up at their phones and busted out laughing. Show it to each other. My face was red hot, not knowing what to do I took off feeling my Chubby thighs jiggle as I did.

That was the day it all started.

....

I laid down on the ground, in one of the empty classrooms the teachers don't use. I was hugging myself breathing hard, they were all around me my body stiffened my eyes frantically looking up.

" awe, she looks so pitiful poor thing let's give her some food." Ji-Mun announced as the students came over. " this should cheer you up!" She implied as they dumped all of their lunch over me.

" come on eat it fatty!!" they all chanted, but I didn't even touch it. This seemed to make them angry because Ji-Mun came up to me grabbing a first full of my hair pulling my hair yanking my head back. " what did we fucking say?!"

She took some food trying to stuff it in my mouth. But I jerked around preventing her from doing it. I think she was having enough of my Resisting because she Signaled others to come.

I screamed out, wanting help but knowing no one would come it was after school plus someone was outside blocking the door. I was then pulled up by one of the boys, " if she won't do as we say they she needs to get beaten!" Ji-Su walked over to the classroom room closet.

Coming back out with a thick wooden stick. " it didn't have to come to this Soo-Nico, do worry everyone will get a turn." She grinned evilly, rising the stick I closed my dark eyes waiting for the impact.

And it came down hard and fast, sucking in my breath as it made contact with my stomach, tears leaked from my eyes one after the other. I was hit in different places with My skin busted opened, and bloodstains in my clothes.

This wasn't even the worst of it.

....

I Ignored my family when they would ask about the bandages I had put on myself. I couldn't talk about it though. It would just cause more trouble for me.

I've lost a lot of weight since a couple of months ago. My mom was proud thinking I was working on myself to look better but no I wasn't. It's We're I haven't been eating it's gone so far to where I made myself puke up my food if I ate.

But I gained it all back and more, my mother noticed and even made side comments. I knew she was just wanted me to be like the other girls for once and feel good In my skin. But She didn't realize how much it hurt that she didn't see me for who I was.

She did it with good intentions but the outcome well not much.

I was tired and numb. I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone even my family. I stayed in my room not coming out. I went as far as to say I hated them and I wish they weren't here.

I hated everyone from that point.

....

I walked down the hallways of the school, I glared at everyone that looked at me. I had lost so much sleep that the eye-bags under my eyes were so huge and dark it was hard not to miss.

I had gone to my homeroom, sitting in the middle of the class, everyone was staring, I Knew they eventually talk about me they gave me little papers with messages that said.

worlds fattest pig

Let see your underwear again

Must suck to be poor

I would find them in my bag, them sticking out of my locker. Even one was written on the homeroom Board. You can guess which one it was.

Ji-Mun arrived, in-class noticing me she stood in front of the Podium. " as you know if there's a rumor going around that one of you has talked to Soo-Nico?" Everyone that was in the room got quiet.

She must have found out about the new girl that had come, I dumped into her. She was sitting in front of me. One was loud to talk to me.

" I better not catch you because if anyone and I mean anyone who talks to Soo-Nico is dead!" The bitch threatened right before the bell for school starts ringed.

....

I couldn't be myself anymore, all I wanted was to be a decent person but they screwed that up for me. I was fine before all this even I still didn't like my weight I was working on it.

It was late and I was waiting for my bus to take me home. I wore a thick coat because it was cold out, as the wind whipped at my red-fleshed cheeks.

My nose ran a little, I think I was getting sick. But I didn't care, at least if I got sick. I wouldn't have to go to school I think I'll wait here for the next bus that comes to make sure of it.

Taking out my phone I put one earphone in listening to my song Magic shop from BTS. My bias was namjoon, and my bias wreck was Taehyung, Bobbing my head to the music I heard a commotion on the other side of the street.

It was Ji-Mun and her gang, they were standing around someone that was sitting on the ground on their knees. Who was she tormenting now?

Getting up I checked before crossing the road, making my way over. I saw it was the new girl, I could hear her squeaky voice from here. " this will teach you not to talk to Soo-Nico again."

" no please I didn't know!!" She cried, but Ji-Mun just gave her an irritated look. Stepping on her hand I Hearing a crack the girl screamed out in pain as she dug her heel in further.

I couldn't take this anymore watching this girl tormented others just to have control, " why don't you-" before Ji-Mun could finish her sentence I punched her right in the face.

She fell to the ground, holding her bleeding nose, " what the fucking hell!" Her eyes glared recognizing me. " why don't you!" I suggested, knowing what she was going to say to the girl.

The next day my parents found out and told me I had to write an apology letter to Ji-Mun for almost breaking her nose. I was lucky enough they didn't press charges.

But What about the poor girl they were bullying? Did they have to apologize no! That's how the system works.

You get bullied they don't say anything, when they bully others, you try and Stan up from them but all you get in return trouble for doing so. Fuck them fuck everyone!

I told my parents to fuck off.

I didn't want anything to do with them at least that's what I thought.

....

It's been two weeks since the incident and I haven't gone back to school since. I laid on my bed with the lights off. I wasn't feeling good. Soon my mom came to the door knocking on it.

" Please just go away!!" I yelled hitting the door with one of my pillows. " please just come with me to the airport to pick up your brother. He wants to see you." She spoke of Jin-Woo.

I haven't seen him in forever since he aboard in the states. He was the only one that I didn't hate, at the moment. Groaning I got up getting off the bed, as I did I felt faint.

Steadying myself I went on and changed into a new pair of clothing. Opening the door. I was faced with my mom for the first time in a while. She had a worried look on her face yeah right?

" Are you feeling okay? you look, pale honey." But all I responded with was I'm fine. Sitting in the back seat my mom kept glancing at me asking questions.

Trying to start up a conversation, but I stayed quiet. " please god just leave me alone." I mumbled, but my dad heard, "your mother is trying to talk to you, stop being a little brat!"

He was turned in his seat facing me. " you haven't talked to use two weeks, when we get to the airport, you better be on your best behavior!"

Little did I know that would be the end of There's and my world.

Parking the car we got out and headed into the building. The places were crowded, with different types of people mostly Korean but there were some Foreigners.

Waiting nearby the gates, Jin-Woo should be landing anytime now. Sitting down I felt like I was going to throw up, I was sweating like crazy.

My mom noticed but didn't say anything afraid I'll fuss at her. I wondered where a restroom was in this place getting up I was stopped by my dad.

" where do you think you're going?"

I rolled my eyes, but he didn't see because his eyes were too focused on the magazine he was reading. " just to the restroom," finding out he shooed me away.

I had to ask some people where the restroom was. As doing so I passed a man, that was standing in one place, with some cotton balls up his nose. He was Turing his head side to side looking weird.

Getting away I finally found the restroom, standing in the stalls, I began to puke, rubbing my stomach as I did. I was sick I should have stayed home and waited for my brother.

After I was done, I wipe my mouth off with a sheet of toilet paper, I made sure that I was finished. Getting up I went over to the sink Turing it on splashing my face with cold water.

Looking up I was surprised at my reflection, my skin was ghostly pale, my eyes well they had strange veins in them, but I didn't think much of it probably just a symptom of this virus I have.

It wasn't long before I got more symptoms. My body got a cold rush feeling, as shivers went up to my spine. This is probably the flu, shaking my head I went on.

The weird man I noticed before was acting normal, maybe he's on meds? But he saw my eyes wide and hurried over to me. " you have the symptoms to right?!" He asked grabbing my arm shaking it.

"It is starting!!"

I look at him strangely jerking my arm away. " No, what are you talking about?" I backed away leaving the crazy man. Not knowing he was the first Infected.

As I went on it felt like the area was tipping, I staggered a bit trying to steady myself trying not to fall. My brain had that swelling feeling it seemed like I was being dragged into my head.

Not understanding what was happening I felt my body move but I wasn't the one moving it, I felt like I was stuck in my head and couldn't get out.

I then soon heard some gasps as something wet gushed out of my nose, It was blood and a lot of it. I looked into the window of the airport. That was right beside me.

And was horrified at what I saw was my reflection smiling back at me with pitch-black eyes. It waved slowly blood all over its mouth and neck.

Is that what I looked like to people right now? Because if I did I would be scared shitless. " you know you want to!" My reflection spoke to me. Grinning evilly. I felt my body backed away not believing what I was seeing.

What was this?

" what are you?" I breathed out scared. I covered my nose trying not to get blood everywhere. " I'm you but much worse." It giggled. Coming out of the window standing right in front of me.

" This was you're own doing Soo-Nico, 'tsk tsk' I'm not going to be enemy here." That is when I started to feel funny like I was losing my grasp on my mind it began to fade.

Then hearing inhuman sounds I began to dash towards people for no reason. Hearing them scream trying to get away, jumping over stuff pushing each other down.

It was all so quick and fast, that I didn't recognize the people standing before there was an older man, a woman, and a teenage boy. Their faces had a pure shock but I smiled creepily at them.

Then lunged for them.

Waking up my head hurt, slowly getting up, I looked around me seeing blood everywhere. My heart began to beat fast. Why was there so much blood? And why can't I remember a thing?

I almost screamed when I looked down. Not believe who was dead on the ground, I covered my mouth as tears immediately began to fall.

" No... No, God No!!!" I cried getting down on the blood-soaked floor seeing my family lay there lifeless. I grabbed my mom putting her head on my lap. " what I? –What happened? How—" I then remembered my creepy-looking reflection.

It was the last thing I saw before going Berserk. More eyes began to unfolded realizing I'm the one who killed them. And I didn't know why? My body shook not knowing what to do or who to call?

" I didn't mean to! I didn't– I wouldn't!! I'm sorry!" I screamed into my mother's shirt. Beating the floor with my fist, " I'm sorry for being mean to you!!"

I sucked in a couple of breaths, feeling my lips and chin quiver. As I sob from there on out, I had to live with the guilt of the death of my family never forgetting that moment.

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bibbykins · 3 years

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Double Date

A/N: Hello my dears! I'm not done with the Jin and/or Hobi confession yet but I did write this little flashback last week and think I'm finally ready to post it! This is the situation in which Jimin discovered MC's reaction to yelling, just to clarify. As always, please hop into my ask box and give me some of that lovely feedback!

Note: This is a flashback as part of the drabble series The Household's Bunny, which I recommend reading the installments of prior to this one

Word Count: 4.2k

Pairing: Soft Yandere! Jimin x Chubby! Reader

Warnings: Lying, fatphobia, usage of the word "fat" as an insult, talks of sex, yelling, vomiting, implied previous trauma, bad friend, loser date, verbal argument, implied stalking, yandereish behavior

Summary: On a double date was not how Jimin imagined your first date with him going. Let alone, a double date in which you both are with someone else. The torture of sitting next to his ex and watching you with another man was well worth it to see you up close. He could only hope you and his "date" don't mind his blatant staring at you.

Jimin often wondered how he ended up so stupid sometimes. From prodigy orphan to absolute idiot. It was a little tragic. Here you were, back from the hospital, a smile on your face, sitting across the table from him… and he was on a date with your friend Yoora.

Sure, Yoora was fine, but she wasn’t you. That’s why they had broken up in the first place. He just… didn’t like her. Of course, he omitted the fact was that he liked someone else.

You, on the other hand, were on a date with some lowlife he hadn’t even bothered to remember the name of. Yoora had begged Jimin to go on a date, to which he vehemently denied. He had dated Yoora and things fizzled out quickly, so he saw no value in going on a date again. He only budged with her begging when she said it was for you, who was apparently too nervous to be on a date alone with this other guy. He sprung at the chance to see you outside of class, something he could only hope Yoora didn’t notice. Although, Jimin couldn’t help but wonder why you would go on a date with someone you weren’t comfortable being alone with, but maybe he was just bitter you were going on a date with someone that wasn’t him.

You flashed Jimin a brief smile in between your chat with Yoora, making his mind go blank. Fuck, you were so pretty. You wore a simple white turtleneck with a brown plaid skirt and brown loafers with white socks to match. You looked unbelievably cute, even against the aged neon fabric of the chairs at the bowling alley. Not that your date appreciated just how divine you looked, hardly paying you any mind, instead looking around constantly and only really responding to Yoora.

Not that Jimin was being much better to Yoora. His eyes were constantly fixated on you, but both you and Jimin unaware of this blatant fact. He hadn’t been this close to you outside of the classroom in… well, basically ever. He watched with hearts in his eyes as you bowled your second gutter ball. He laughed as you bowed cheekily before returning to the table right as your date went to bowl.

“I’m so full!” Yoora exclaimed as you sat back down, the pizza you both agreed to share only having two slices out of it as you reached to make it a third, “I don’t know how you can eat more than one slice, y/n! Good for you.” She giggled obnoxiously as your moves faltered in setting the pizza on your plate.

Jimin’s eyes landed on Yoora’s form for the first time in the whole night with a displeased look. Her form shrunk under his sharp glare and any future taunts she had planned died on her tongue as you searched for the words to say, “She’s just keeping herself nourished for me, aren’t you babe?” Your date spoke with a slimy voice as he slid in the booth next to you and Jimin watched confusion fill your face. Jimin’s smile noticeably dropped.

"It's a little silly to imagine everything she does is for you, no?" Jimin gave your date a pointed look, all with a smile on his face, as your date also shrunk, nodding awkwardly.

The most input your date ever gave to you directly was about how hot you were or to chide at your poor bowling skills. It was a little painful watching your smile fade throughout the date, and Yoora joining in to try and make you feel even worse wasn’t helping. Jimin couldn't imagine a scenario in which any of this would make you happy, and he just couldn't hold his tongue the entire time.

“I’m just hungry.” You shrugged, figuring Jimin was just being a gentleman in lightly scolding Jihoon, “I eat when I’m hungry, hence the pizza.” You spoke simply as you took another bite. You knew what Yoora was doing. Passive-aggressive slights to your weight in front of romantic partners were not shocking to you in the slightest.

This was why you didn’t want to go on a double date with Yoora. Sometimes she was nice and funny, but other times she was like a mean girl straight out of a teen movie. This was why you considered Yoora more acquaintance than a friend since she only talked to you when she had no other friends around. This dynamic was fine enough since you hadn’t made any friends in college, so having someone to interact with was nice enough, but you drew the line at her getting this intimately involved. However, she insisted she should bring herself and Jimin along for your safety. You had joked you’d like to see Jihoon try to carry you away to kidnap you, but she didn’t laugh.

It was ironic that your weight was only funny when she was making the joke.

Yoora shrunk a bit as she watched a smile grace Jimin’s features again while you ate, “I’m gonna use the bathroom.” She spoke hurriedly out of nowhere and you gave her a small wave.

Your date resumed his survey of the building before his eyes caught sight of something and went wide, “Shit, a friend from my bio lab is here.” He murmured quite loudly before turning to you, “I’ll be right back.” He spoke in a similarly rushed tone as he made a bee-line to the restroom.

You gave Jihoon a weak smile, waving him away when you realized he didn’t even look at you for a response before getting up. Well, there goes another liar. Last night it was, “Baby, you’re so beautiful. I could see myself marrying you. Let me take you on a date and then we can come back to my place and seal the deal.” You were no longer so naive as to think a simple handjob would make Jihoon a romantic, but you did hope it would be enough motivation for him to reciprocate with skill. You hated liars, especially liars who do it to get into your bed. On top of that a horny liar with no skill.

Jimin noticed your date dodge the line of vision of his friend and sneak to the bathrooms and frowned, “Why is he going to the bathroom if his friend is right there?” He mused to himself.

“To hide.” You sighed, making Jimin jump, shocked you heard him. You looked up and saw his confusion before sighing, “He doesn’t want to be seen with me, so he’s going to the bathroom.”

Still short-circuiting from the direct eye contact he was making with you, he sputtered, “Wha- Why would-”

“Look at me.” You poked the sliver stomach between the hem of your top and the top of your skirt. Jimin admired the plush skin before snapping himself from the trance.

He shrugged, “I am, and it makes even less sense.” He finally had the determination to hold eye contact with you without his mind going into overdrive and right as you opened your mouth to respond, your phone vibrated.

You looked down at it with a frown, “Yoora wants me to meet her outside.” You mumbled, before looking up at Jimin, “I don’t think I was supposed to say that to you.” You looked at him with a sorry look, “I’ll be back.”

You pushed the front doors open to see Yoora standing with her arms crossed, foot tapping impatiently as she looked around, as if she didn’t send you the text message a mere minute ago. She caught sight of you and her eyes went wide before settling into a smug gaze, “Ah, there you are!” She smiled and it was sickly sweet, “I wanted to tell you Jihoon and I are leaving.”

Ah, she must have been looking around for his car to come around. Well, that’s saving you the awkward conversation of rejecting him, so you shrugged, “Okay.”

Evidently not wanting the nonchalant reaction you gave her she scoffed, “Seriously? You have nothing to say?” For some reason, Yoora would sometimes make it her mission to push your buttons, usually, this was by making you flustered, so you’re not sure what happened to spur on such unadulterated malice.

However, you didn’t really have the energy to dissect it so you shrugged a little more incredulously, “What is there to say? No?” You scoffed, “You guys are consenting adults, you both made a choice-”

“God, you’re so annoying!” Her increase in volume made you jump and also caught the eyes of fellow students and unaffiliated customers just trying to have a night out.

Nevertheless, you blinked wildly, “Me?!” You guffawed, “You’re the one that brought me out here to tell me you’re ditching me and your date?” The whole thing felt so ridiculous.

“Yes, you!” Her hands gestured to you wildly, “My date is oogling you and so I decide to seduce yours and you just say ‘okay’?!” Her volume was increasing and you could feel a familiar nausea pooling in your stomach, “Let me be pissed at you for stealing my date!”

“It’s not my fault I’m hot, nor does that make you less hot.” You countered, not really believing it was you Jimin was interested in, but more so Yoora he wasn’t interested in, “He just doesn’t like you. You said you knew that.” You pointed out, making her falter because you were right. Yoora told you Jimin wasn’t interested in her but she was trying to change that despite your words of caution.

“You? Hot? You’re fat!” Ah, there it was. She was evidently running out of sound reasons to be mad at you but was still not ready to just face the fact that she felt shitty her date looked at the fat girl more than he looked at her.

You couldn’t contain your laugh, “Oh, no shit? I am?” You mockingly looked down at your form, which only seemed to fan the flames.

“Just get fucking mad at me!” She shouted, wiping the smile off of your face

You sucked your teeth, “Stop yelling. You know that yelling makes me-”

She rolled her eyes before losing her mind, “What do I know about you?! You won’t even tell me why you were in the hospital-”

Now you were getting really queasy and annoyed, wanting this to end because at this point she was just yelling at you to feel like less of an asshole, “Because you’ll just tell everyone, and it’s not their business- or yours for that matter!” You felt a little bad criticizing her gossipy nature, but you knew you were going to puke any minute now.

“I’m your friend!” She spat, ironically, in a rather unfriendly manner

You scoffed, “You’re going home with my date!”

This seemed to catch her off guard, almost, almost, making her realize she was simply being an asshole, but she stuck to her guns, “He-He doesn’t even like you!”

“And yet, if we’re such good friends, you’re still going home with him to what? Prove a point to me?!” You were exasperated as you heard his obnoxious car pull up behind you, “I know now he doesn’t like me, that’s what the date was for!” You were beyond tired as you watched her eyes dart between you and the red Mustang, “But now I know that you don’t really like me either.” You sighed and this made her sight settle on your form, her gaze significantly softer.

“Y/n…” Her voice was lower, surrendering.

“It’s fine. You’re not required to like me.” You insisted, “I just wish you wouldn’t lie about it.” This time, you felt a little hurt at your own words, but the bile in your throat wouldn’t give you much time to reflect on it, especially as Jihoon honked his horn, like the gentleman he was, “Well? Go on.” You gestured to the obnoxious car as Yoora got in with her head down.

Not even bothering to wait for them to drive away, you ran to the alley on the side of the building with a hand clasped over your mouth. The moment you made it to the dim-lit hallway of brick, you puked your guts out. The bile burned your throat, but you could still feel a careful hand pulling your hair back ever so gently as another hesitantly rubbed your back. The touch was calming and void of judgment. You figured someone assumed you were drunk and was used to being a hero. However, when you were finally done and stood up, you were faced with the most sought-after man of the Arts department.

“Are you… okay?” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth and you had no real energy to be all that embarrassed. Vomiting took all the life out of you almost every time.

You simply turned back to look at the mess you made and cringed, “Oh shit.” You spoke slowly, “I should clean that up.” You sputtered.

Jimin merely smiled and shook his head as you turned back to him, “It’s an alleyway, come on, someone will just make a worse mess in an hour.” He handed you a water bottle, “Go ahead and rinse.” You looked at him with pleading eyes, his looks were more than enough to make you feel flustered. He seemed to read your eyes as he turned around.

“Thanks.” You spoke up after you rinsed, “But-”

“Let me drive you home.” He waited to hear your footsteps behind him before pressing onward.

He ignored your protests the whole way to his car, brushing them off with a wave of his hands. You had figured it was just him being cool, but the reality was that he was mentally hyping himself up. Now with his anger at Yoora and your date dissipated, he was back to a bumbling mess when it came to you, even if the nagging worry of what could have happened to you to make you throw up at yelling was an ever-present weight he took on his shoulders. The girl of his dream would be in his car, sitting right next to him, and that was enough to make him short-circuit. His face was getting redder and redder just thinking about it. Not that your polite and melodic voice insisting you can just take the bus helped any. Surely you had to know how beautiful you were? He never doubted you knew until today, and the notion made him frown but also, thankfully, calm down.

By the time he opened the door for you, any hints of redness on his face were obscured by the cloak of night over the sky and the dim street lamps. You gave him a short smile and he had to fight a squeal in his throat. Instead, you were met with a strained look, and you couldn’t help but wonder if he even liked you or if he was just being kind. You entered your address on his phone and he feigned looking at the route as if he wasn't familiar with the area. He then texted one of his housemates a name and a license plate number for information and wordlessly began driving.

You simply looked out the window as he seemingly studied his phone, not wanting to make his possible dislike of you worse. Although, you would prefer him not to like you at this point. You were kind of over people “liking” you by now. Jihoon had done no less than confess his undying love for you mid-orgasm and you were ashamed to admit how excited that had made you feel despite the emptiness that could be felt in the air. You had convinced yourself that could just be how love felt. How would you know any otherwise? Part of you knew you were deluding yourself, even if you would never know what love felt like, you knew it wouldn’t feel like that. It wouldn’t feel like the bittersweet taste of settling for less than you deserve in exchange for an escape from the all-consuming loneliness that surrounded you no matter who you hooked up with.

“I’m, uh, sorry Yoora did that to you. Jimin blurted out, making you look to him and making him clench the wheel.

“It’s not your fault.” You reassured him, “The whole point of the date was to see if this guy actually ‘loved’ me, or even liked me for that matter.” You couldn’t stop yourself from talking, “That post nut clarity must have made him realize he’s a huge liar.” You couldn’t hide the bitterness in your words before you took a breath, “So, how much did you hear?”

“I walked out when I heard her calling you fat.” He stumbled against the words, clearly uncomfortable even repeating Yoora.

You hummed, “Yeah, well, I guess you’re all caught up.” You looked back out the window and Jimin could relax ever so slightly, “I don’t know how I can make her feel threatened. She’s so… loveable.” He frowned at this, “I know I’m pretty, but that doesn’t make me loveable.” He wanted so desperately to say you are loveable. If you weren’t, what had he spent the last year doing? He wanted to slam on the breaks and finally tell you how captivating you are in more ways than one, but the fear of misstepping caged him into his spot as you continued on, “If there’s one thing I know, it’s that no one is obligated to love me.” You seemed to be letting all the exhaustion hit you, not even bothering to stop yourself, “It’s okay. I have the next best thing, sex.” Even you seemed to be unconvinced, “Maybe if I ask everyone for sex I’ll feel as content as Jihoon.” You seemed to be getting more and more upset as you dwelled on the topic.

“Why haven’t you asked me for sex then?” Jimin wanted to slam his head on the wheel and call it a night when he heard his voice speak what should have been an offhand thought.

You giggled a bit at this, relieving Jimin a bit, before shrugging, “I don’t want to use you like I let people use me.” You blew a breath, "You called my bluff. I don't wanna use anyone."

“Why do you let-”

“I, too, get horny and lonely.” You laughed bitterly, “People just lie to me that it’s something more when it’s not. Thank goodness I’m a psych major, or else I might believe them each time.” Judging by the melancholy in your words, Jimin doubted you didn’t not believe some of them, and the notion tore his heart in half. However, he was so pinned down by his fear, he couldn’t conjure the words needed.

“I mean, there are people out there who would like you and not just your body.” He spoke and he swore he was breaking a sweat by now.

You shrugged again, unconvinced again, “I’m glad you never asked me for sex.” You murmured and he glanced at you.

“Why?” Was he not your type?

“Because I think you’re a good person,” You gave him one more smile as he pulled up to your apartment complex, “and I’d like to keep thinking that.” You placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, “Thank you, for everything tonight.” He merely nodded in acknowledgment, throat strangled with a million emotions as he watched you go into your apartment.

Jimin let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding and drove, as if on autopilot, and let his head plop lightly on the wheel, “Pathetic display, Jimin.” He scolded with a strained voice. He hated this about him. He hated that each time emotions got too real, each time he could not hide behind a charming smile and playful banter, he would choke up. He had been a dance prodigy since birth, since getting scouted by a private school, since Mona adopted him for his career to go even further. And yet, he couldn’t confess to the girl he’s liked for over a year. Instead of staring, he wished he had just asked if you were okay.

He had never imagined you would be nearly as lonely as you felt. Anyone on campus would look at your smile and assume you were doing peachy, but by now, with his observations, he could see when you were faking. Why had he never approached you more to make you smile for real? Why did he remain complicit in fuckers like Jihoon and Yoora’s plight to make you feel less than the perfect girl you are? Who had instilled such an intense reaction to yelling in you? How many times have you thrown up in an alley alone because of the people who knew how to use someone as caring as you? Maybe if he had sat down and eaten that cookie with you, he would be driving the both of you home together.

He wondered if he would ever get the chance to do so at this point.

-------

“...Jimin?” Your voice snapped him from his thoughts as he looked at you, all dolled up and a little sweating from performing your final for the class he was your TA for, “You still here?” You giggled as you waved your hand in front of his eyes. You had been the last one to perform, so you figured his brain was fried from watching dozens of dance performances.

His smile grew with yours as he caught your hand in his, interlacing your fingers, “Yeah, I’m here, just got swept away in your performance is all.” He responded cooly and you rolled your eyes mockingly, “I’m serious, it was beautiful.” He brought your hand up, placing a kiss on your palm.

“Well, I had a wonderful training buddy.” You interlocked your fingers behind his neck as he laced his fingers on the small of your back. The PDA made you feel giddy, like a girl in her first relationship showcasing her wonderful boyfriend to the world, “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

He studied your face, your form, your everything for a moment. He basked in the glory of having someone as beautiful as you within his reach at long last. He thought back to each practice session and each kiss that came with it and couldn’t help the glee that spread in his chest. The glee was only further amplified by the very emotion on your face and he couldn’t fathom how he ever lived with himself seeing a fake smile on your face most days.

“You know I love you, right?” He blurted, making both of your eyes widen. Had he seriously just done that? Had he seriously confessed his love to you while the rest of your dance class waited to be dismissed? The air was still before he spoke again, “Could you do me a favor and beat the shit out of me?” He asked, making you giggle. Your joy was contagious and he found himself laughing too, in spite of the millions of emotions at confessing his love so suddenly.

You couldn’t fight the smile on your lips even if you tried. There was something so weightless about Jimin’s love, yet so meaningful. Where Yoongi had been intense and passionate, Jimin was bashful yet honest. It was this floaty feeling that made you lean up to his ears and whisper, “I love you too.” You beamed at him with a genuine smile and his heart soared.

“You do?” He asked excitedly, “You don’t have to, you know?” He reassured you and you could only chuckle.

“Oh well, if I don’t have to…” You joked as you moved to pull away from him, but he pulled you closer.

“I take it back- You have to.” He hurriedly spoke, “If… If you mean it.”

You nodded, a blissful smile on your face as you leaned up to kiss him, “I mean it, and it’s really nice being able to know you mean it too.” You whispered in his ear and in a moment of pure joy, he lifted you and spun you around, not caring about who saw or stared. You squealed at this, enjoying the moment of careless affection. He set you down with a slow kiss and you couldn’t help but melt into his form.

“You ready to go home?” He asked with a gleeful tone. You nodded excitedly and watched with hearts in your eyes as he dismissed the class with his hand in yours. He was always happy to display your relationship, even telling the professor in case he didn’t want Jimin grading your work. He announced it to the class with a blissful look and posted you all over any and all social media accounts he had. He had never been more proud to have someone by his side, and it made you emotional more than once. He held your hand in his as you walked to the car, swinging your arms just to hear your melodic laugh.

You checked your phone as Jimin closed the car door when you got in, “Oh, Hobi’s flight got delayed until tomorrow and Jin has to stay late tonight.” You mumbled, deep in thought for a moment, “And everyone else has something going on, so I guess it’s just me and you for dinner. One last night of freedom before you have to be busy too.” He placed a hand on your thigh as he drove and he'd be lying if he said he didn't have to mentally hype himself up to do it each time.

“Do you want to pick up dinner or just cook at home?” He asked cooly, masking his sheer glee at the domestic implications in his question.

You hummed, “I can cook something if you want,” You noted before a mischievous smile grew on your face, “My love.” You teased the pet name, making Jimin brake abruptly as he was getting out of the parking spot, his arm holding your body back from pushing forward. You gasped before you dissolved into laughter.

“Hey! Are you trying to make me crash?!” His face was beet red as he lectured you about car safety and how words can shake his whole world the whole ride home, and you had never been more enchanted by a flustered lecture in your life.

Eventually, he was finished lecturing you and the car was filled with laughter and light quips. He wondered how he ever lasted this long without you by his side, but he was glad he would no longer have to.

Tip Jar

#bts #bts scenario #yandere bts #bts fanfic #yandere jimin #park jimin #bts angst #bts fluff #yandere park jimin #poly bts au #poly bts #jimin x y/n #jimin x reader #bts drabble

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thenamesseven · 4 years

Text

Plot: Living with the Seven Deathly sins was difficult but it was definitely worth it because of him, your favorite sin, Kim Taehyung.

A/N: Ahhh I know I was supposed to upload A Hell of a Boyfriend today buuut my friend requested this a month ago and I wanted to focus on finishing it today so she could finally read it! Hope you guys enjoy it too ^^

Word count: 4.3k

Warnings: Smut, Jungkook being a bit....Violent xD

Living with the Seven Deadly Sins wasn't easy, no matter how epic or intimidating that sounded, sharing your home with them was as having seven teenagers as roommates. It wasn't until you found them, that you realized how much parents suffered when their kids started having this kind of behaviour.

You honestly weren't sure how you've managed to survive so many years besides them, any ordinary person would have ran away as soon as they realized who they were dealing with but, oh well, when have you ever been normal? Besides, leaving their shitty traits aside, all seven of them were good friends, they were loyal and people you could trust blindly.

It was moments like the one you were in, when you doubted if all the headaches they gave you were really worth it.

"For the love of God Jimin, I didn't say Namjoon's outfit looked better than yours!"

It all had started with Namjoon and Jimin getting ready for some kind of event they had tonight. After praising Jimin's choice of clothing for ten minutes straight he had finally been convinced that he looked good in what he was wearing but, as soon as Namjoon had walked into the room wearing a tuxedo, his Envy had appeared because apparently, you had whistled at the sight of him.

That's all it took for Jimin to change his mind about his outfit, claiming that, since you found Namjoon's more appealing, he would have to look for something better than his so you could be even more stunned.

"You didn't need to say it" Namjoon scoffed, eyes glued to the mirror as his fingers skillfully fixed the buttons on his jacket's sleeves. You rolled your eyes at him, his attitude wouldn't definitely help in this situation. Pride was the most annoying sin to deal with, especially when he got involved with Jimin's envy.

"He is right, you didn't even have to praise him" Jimin agreed with a small pout, leaving you speechless, what the hell was that supposed to mean? You had praised him before because if you wouldn't have, Jimin would have never gotten dressed "I could see it in your eyes" He added as if you weren't confused enough.

Frustrated, you let out another sigh as your eyes followed Jimin into your walk in closet and Namjoon out of the bedroom since he was finally ready to leave. They would be late though, because Jimin wouldn't leave until he finds an outfit better than Namjoon's, which means he would change another thousand times.

Tiredly, you laid down on the bed beside Yoongi, who was peacefully napping, cuddled up against the stupidly large amount of pillows he had there. Curious, you turned your head to look at his sleeping face, smiling a little when you saw how calm and relaxed he seemed to be there. How he hadn't been woken up by the previous argument was a mystery to you but well, he was Yoongi after all, Sloth was meant to be lazy twenty four hours a day, no matter what the situation was.

Without holding back the childish urge to poke his cheek, you gently pressed your finger against his skin, earning a quiet humming from his lips "Yoongles" You whispered, being loud enough for him to hear you perfectly. The male frowned, obviously disliking your interaction with him but now that he had moved, you knew he was listening to you "Tell Jimin his outfit it's also good"

Yoongi laid on his side, facing the wall and keeping his chubby cheeks away from your hands, dodging any future attempts of waking him up with the same technique you just used “It is awesome” He mumbled quietly, nuzzling his face deeper into the pillow.

“You didn’t even open your eyes” Jimin whined and although you were starting to get kind of annoyed at his complaining, you had to admit that he was kind of right on that one. Yoongi hadn’t even glanced at him, it was obvious he had just said those words so you would leave him alone “Don’t care anyways, I have to find something better!" Jimin exclaimed frustrated, Yoongi already started snoring quietly beside you.

You were about to say something to Jimin, anything that would stop his whining but Jungkook was faster and more effective without any doubts.

"I swear to God Jimin! If you don't shut the fuck up I'll barge in your room and punch you!"

Jungkook's words made Jimin go pale, his mouth instantly closing as he turned away from you to face his wardrobe. You, on the other hand, were biting your lip as hard as you could to avoid laughing at him.

Having heard Jungkook's scream, Jin made his way down the hall to the bedroom, poking his head inside. His eyes first inspected the younger male, watching for a few seconds how he picked up shirts just to discard them and throw them away without sparing them a second glance. But then, as he kept shoving a bunch of chips into his mouth, his eyes were dragged to you and curiosity sparked in his eyes when he realized you were holding back your laughter.

"What's so funny?"

Fucking Jin.

Jimin instantly turned around, eyes landing on your guilty yet slightly red face, before betrayal flashed in his features. Discarding you like one of his shirts, he grabbed a bunch of clothes and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door loud enough behind him to let the rest of people in the building know he was mad.

"Good job Jin" You sighed, standing up from the bed, rolling your eyes as you walked towards the door "Now if he whines again and Jungkook punches him, it will be your fault"

Jin shrugged, stepping aside so you could walk out of the room "Want some?" He asked, turning the bag of chips in your direction.

You shook your head "You never get tired of eating?" You asked, genuinely amazed by how much food he could consume in a day.

"He will ruin us all" Hoseok or Greed muttered as he walked into the bathroom "I'm tired of using MY money to pay for your food"

"Oh shut up, you eat too" Jin scoffed walking away, rolling his eyes.

You turned around, willing to go into your room where none of their drama would get in your way when you walked into a hard, broad chest. Hands instantly flew to your forearms, keeping you in your place, rescuing your poor butt from landing on the hard cold floor of the apartment.

"Easy there baby" You didn't have to look up to know who was standing in front of you, his deep voice was enough to know Lust, also known as Kim Taehyung had been the one that saved you "You good?" He asked amused, hands still on you as his eyes scanned your surprised face.

Your relationship with Taehyung was complicated. You were dating but you also weren't at the same time, the two of you knew the way to each other's bed way too well, the guys were also aware of the affairs that had taken place in your rooms. You were also exclusive, none of you were allowed to see anybody else since, as Taehyung liked to say, you were his as much as he was yours.

I mean, whose panties wouldn't drop if THE Kim Taehyung said that?

Feelings were complicated with him though. Taehyung, as you've learned with time, was attracted to people by sexual impulses, he was the personification of Lust after all, so his nature was mostly attracted to sexual satisfaction. Love had been an unknown or taboo word in his dictionary until you came around and even though the possibility of being something more than casual lovers had been mentioned, you were well aware that Taehyung was still a bit scared of what relationships might imply.

Keeping things simple despite being complicated was your best option. The two of you had been doing well so far, why ruin it with tags and status? The two of you knew better than that.

"This house is just…Chaotic, I swear one of these days I'll either explode or kill someone" You muttered to him, who only chuckled at your expected response. He had been living long enough with the guys to get used to their behaviour but he was sure it had to be a little tiring for a human.

"Now you get how I feel right?" Jungkook suddenly intervened, popping his head out of his room to look at you "The hypocrisy in this household is unbelievable" He scoffed, obviously irritated.

"What are you even talking about now?" You exclaimed frowning, not really getting why he was mad with you.

"I do something that's a little violent and you all call me aggressive but you threaten to kill one of us and it's cute" Taehyung snorted at his brother's words, not like he disagreed though, he kind of had a point there

"Nobody said I'm cute?"

"Tell that to your whipped ass boyfriend" Jungkook exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the entire universe, putting the spotlight straight on Tae.

"I mean, technically, you are worse than her" Namjoon joined the two of you, still waiting for Jimin to get dressed. "(Y/N) hasn't killed any of us yet"

"I haven't either" Jungkook crossed his arms on his chest defensively "Your point?"

"Last night you threw the remote control at Hoseok because he walked by the television when you were playing video games" Namjoon said getting competitive, ready to slam Jungkook into the next dimension with his facts "We could count that as a murder attempt"

"I was playing Overwatch! And he stumbled over the cables! I thought he would disconnect the console" Jungkook said ready to debate, it was impossible to win Namjoon though, he knew he was walking straight into a lost battle.

"Are we going to ignore how none of them freaked out at the word boyfriend?" Hoseok pointed out from the other end of the hall, sharing a new bag of chips with Jin.

"That's called character development" Jin said, a teasing smirk on his lips "Now either (Y/N) gets accidentally pregnant or Tae asks her to marry him" You opened your mouth to say something but you knew that would only make everything worse.

"We can't afford any of those right now" Hoseok frowned, looking at the two of you as if he truly believed Jin had discovered your plans.

The older scoffed besides him "With all the money you've got saved up? They could have an entire army of babies and get married as many times as they wanted"

"Not happening, my money is untouchable" Hoseok finished the conversation, disinterested now that wasting money was mentioned.

"Aaaand that's our cue to go" Taehyung announced, resting his hands on your shoulders and gently pushing you deeper into the corridor, towards his room in order to walk away from the chaotic mess your roommates were.

The two of you walked into his bedroom, their never ending snickering becoming background muffled noise as soon as Taehyung closed the door, shutting the two of you out of the disaster that was taking place outside.

Tiredly, you plopped down onto his bed, falling face first down onto the mattress, instantly burying your face against his pillow. His manly yet delicate scent welcomed you and a smile made its way up to your lips when you sniffed the new cologne he had been using.

"That was…" Taehyung started off, breaking the silence between the two of you as he approached his bed.

"Intense? Stressing?” You asked, finishing his sentence, a smile tugging onto your lips when you heard his deep chuckle.

"I was going to say entertaining but yeah, I guess you could also describe it that way" He replied laying besides you, his back pressed down against the mattress as he extended both of his arms, placing one of them across your stomach.

"I'm probably going to sound a bit rude here but sometimes I can't wait for the day we move out to our own place" You mumbled turning your head to look at him, obliging to his subtle order when he gently pushed your body closer to him, making you lay on your side so you could keep your chest pressed against his side. "And not wake up because Jungkook is about to murder somebody or because Jimin is getting all whiny again"

"Or eat whatever we want without being afraid of Jin eating it before us" Taehyung said chuckling, turning on his side too, so he could be face to face with you.

"Or nap as much as I want without Yoongi getting grumpy because I stole his favorite napping place….Like the entire house is his favorite napping place!" Your sudden frustrated exclamation made Taehyung chuckle, his arms instantly coming to your rescue and holding you in order to comfort the frustration out of you.

"I'm so sorry about it" He said, attempting to sound honest without laughing about it anymore "We'll just have to keep saving up for a little more, we're almost there babygirl"

You nodded quietly, unable to keep complaining when Taehyung inched himself closer to you body, pressing himself up against you as he casually buried his face into your neck. Dating Taehyung, the personification of Lust, made you learn he never did anything innocently, every gesture, every caress and every touch, no matter how innocent or insignificant they seemed, always led to the intimacy he craved.

It was never the wrong time, you were never in the wrong place. Taehyung always got what he wanted because let’s be honest, who were you to say no to him? You were always a sucker for him and the attention he gave you, Tae was a deathly seducer whose weapons were sweet words and lovely embraces, there was no human alive that would ever resist the temptation he represented.

“Do you know what it would also mean, right?” Before you could do something, Taehyung applied enough force onto your body to press your back down against the bed, lowering his body so his chest would still be against yours without letting his entire weight crush you. You hummed in response, signaling for him to keep talking in that hushed, husky voice you loved so much “You could walk around in just one of my shirts without worrying about the rest of the guys showing up” He gently pressed his lips underneath your ear, right where he knew one of your weak spots was. Your breath got slightly shaky, heart pounding and sending rushes of blood through your veins mixed with excitement and anticipation “I could also take you whenever and wherever I want” Another kiss sent shivers down your spine when his lips moved lower on your neck “On the kitchen counter” His lips caressed your skin again “On our couch, on the floor, in the shower….Everywhere” Every time he named a new location, another kiss would sent waves of teasing pleasure through your body. “And last but not least” He moved back, your body silently complaining when the warmth of his breath abandoned your skin but you instantly relaxed when he positioned them back against yours, rubbing them against your parted lips gently, slowly, in such a sensual way that he almost made you whine “I could finally make you get as loud as I want you to, because baby, I love the sounds you make when I make you feel good”

“Taehyung” His name came out as a breathy moan, caressing his lips in the softest of ways yet, he refused to kiss you, he wanted to tease you for a little longer.

Humming, he leaned back to look at you, eyes scanning your face with a glint of amusement and need in his eyes “Hmm, what is it baby?” He asked quietly, thumb finding its way to your lips, running it along your lower one “What do you want?” Taehyung smirked as one of his hands moved down your cheek to your neck, fingers caressing your collarbone as they slowly made their way down on your body.

“You know what I-”

Your words got stuck in your throat when he touched the small wet patch that had appeared in your underwear, the smirk that pulled the corners of his lips up said it all, he was more than satisfied by how fast he had managed to turn you on. Cocky bastard. “My oh my, what do we have here?” Taehyung chuckled when your cheeks turned red, his face lowering until his lips landed back on your neck “I haven’t even touched you and you’re like this?” His fingers pressed on your clothed clit, sending waves of pleasure through your body, making your toes curl as he chuckled “If we-”

Jimin’s shriek echoed in the apartment, making you and Taehyung jump startled, and the stomping sound that followed, made you guess he had kept whining and Jungkook had finally had enough of it. You couldn’t blame him though, patience was needed, a requirement when dealing with Jimin and poor Jungkook had none of it, you didn’t know how haven’t they killed each other yet.

“This is why we need to move out asap” Taehyung’s sigh made you chuckle, amused while he shook his head tiredly.

“I thought we were already used to that background noise” You muttered smirking, biting your lip to not laugh even more since he seemed to be really bothered by it.

“How am I supposed to get in the mood knowing Jungkook is about to strangle Jimin?” His words definitely made you laugh this time, the situation was too much for you to keep a straight face.

If there was a sight that Taehyung liked more than your naked body underneath his, it definitely was your face when you laughed. The way your eyes glinted with happiness and how your white teeth blinded him, the joyful sound of your laughter was the most wonderful melody for his ears and it never failed to make him laugh too.

Your cheerfulness was contagious, that’s one of things he loved the most about you.

Jimin shouted for help, Jin actually started shouting too but since you were too familiar with the chaos going on in there, you simply laughed more “GUYS, SHUT UP!” Taehyung suddenly exclaimed “GOD I’M TRYING TO GET SOME ACTION AND YOU’RE OUT THERE MURDERING EACH OTHER”

A sudden silence flooded the apartment, you simply buried your head into Taehyung’s neck to avoid laughing too loud. Your body shook underneath him and it all got worse when you got to hear the guys whisper-arguing with each other.

“If somebody else shouts one more time….Even Jungkook will be scared shitless of me” Taehyung threatened, you didn’t need to look up at him to know he was also fighting to keep himself serious, struggling to keep the laughter out of his voice so the guys wouldn’t think he was joking around.

“Can (Y/N) evaluate my new outf-”

“Jimin she’s fucking naked, do you think she can?”

“See!? You all get her attention but I don’t! It’s just not fair!”

At this point you were howling with laughter, unable to keep it in anymore as Jimin walked away, complaining about something else, totally forgetting about his outfit issue. Taehyung started laughing as soon as he heard his brother’s steps getting further, keeping his arms around your body as he buried his face against the pillow.

“Should I help him out?” You asked quietly, running your hands up and down his back as he started taking deep breaths, calming himself down before he ran out of breath after laughing so much “I kind of feel bad for him”

“Oh shut up, there’s a bigger problem here that you need to solve”

Without a warning, Taehyung subtly moved his hips against you, reminding you of the things you had been doing before another fight had unleashed outside of your bedroom. His switch had been flipped once again and he was back to business in no time. His hand slid underneath your shirt, running his big palm across your smooth stomach, fingertips caressing the hem of your bra.

“I can’t believe you even considered leaving me here, aaaaall alone, love” His kisses turned open-mouthed, playful licks wetting your skin while his teeth scratched it gently. With Taehyung doing all those things to you, it was pretty easy to quickly forget about Jimin and his problems, you’ll help him out when you weren’t that busy.

“I’m sorry” You apologized, almost breathless as he pulled your shirt up, getting rid of it and tossing it down onto the floor, sighing shakily when his hands moved up to cup both of your covered breasts.

“You better be” He said teasingly, winking at you, eyes moving down to his own hands that were already undoing the straps of your bra, willing to get you naked as soon as possible “If we had more time...You’re lucky I’m not willing to get the risk of getting interrupted again” Your heart started pounding harder when his lips left small, teasing kisses on your chest, inching closer and closer to your breasts.

However, before Taehyung’s hands touched them, giving in into your needy whimpers, he leaned back enough to be able to turn your body around, making you lay down on your stomach. Your insides melted when his warm breath caressed the back part of your neck, turning your skin into goosebumps, filling your body with anticipation.

“You’re such a tease” You groaned, giggling when he roughly pulled your pants and panties down until they were around your ankles, not discarding them completely. Taehyung gripped your hair, gently pulling it back so your face would be closer to his, allowing him to leave a couple of gentle pecks on your skin.

“You love it” He answered, lowering his crotch down against you, teeth biting down onto your neck, stealing a moan out of you.

“I hate it” You replied quietly, gripping the bed sheets when you heard the zip of his pants rolling down.

“Oh, you do?” You heard him smile, a shiver running down your spine knowing what was about to come “Let’s see how much you actually hate it”

Taehyung didn’t waste any more time in foreplay, he didn’t even take his own time to tease you and push his way in little by little like he always did. Maybe it was because Jimin’s interruption had really pissed him off or because your teasing had really worked him up, whatever it was, it prevented him from being gentle with you.

He slid himself into you easily, your wetness acting as lubricant, making it painless and much pleasant for him to thrust all the way in. The both of you moaned in unison, your voice way louder than his, when your inner walls clenched around him, trying to get more, pulling him in deeper but Taehyung knew he needed a few seconds before moving if he didn’t want to end this too fast. You felt one of his hands running up your back, arm slowly sliding around your neck as he pulled you back against him.

“Yeah, you do sound like you hate it so so much” He whispered huskily, a smirk still present in his lips as he left teasing kisses on your cheek that were far from innocent in this context.

You opened your mouth to say something, ready to give him another one of those smartass comments that he hated so much but Taehyung used his position to his advantage and started moving once again, keeping the words stuck in your throat, the only sound leaving your lips were moans and whines that gave away how much you were enjoying this.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” He asked, resting his forehead on your shoulder, hand coming back down onto the mattress so he wouldn’t lose his balance while moving.

There was nothing else you could do, Taehyung always won this battle between the two of you. With your head resting against his shoulder, you took what he gave you, body rocking upwards every single time his hips came back down to crash against yours. Swears left your lips, praises left his and multiple kisses were exchanged between the two of you.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and despite Taehyung being the human representation of Lust, he wasn’t gifted with endless stamina. You knew the two of you were about to jump over the edge when his thrusts started stuttering, when his pace became too fast and irregular, always hitting the right spots for you even though he had stopped thinking long ago to act on his instincts.

Your voices got more high pitched and his name became a mantra you repeated over and over again as the orgasm shook you to the core. Legs shaking and body tensing uncontrollably underneath him seconds before he went through the same blissful feeling.

As soon as he was done, Taehyung rested his whole weight onto you but you were too spaced out to even complain about it, smiling when his hair tickled you. “Still alive?” You asked jokingly, breathing in sync with him.

“Barely” He replied quietly, burying his face into your neck, placing small affectionate kisses on there. “Although, I think I have enough strength to make you mine one more time in the shower”

“I mean, I can’t really say no to th-”

“Are you guys done? I really need (Y/N)’s opinion!” Jimin’s whined were back and with that…

“JIMIN SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Jungkook’s fury too.

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