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adonis-koo · 2 years

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wicked • 12

↳ Summary: In a desperate hope to stop war from breaking you are a serviced to wed the most vile man alive, the one who has committed atrocities and war crimes beyond comprehension, he who is responsible for the fall of many nations, the wicked prince who’s heart is made of stone. You are to marry a man who challenges every belief and moral you stand for, all while being faced in a foreign land with nobody but yourself too trust…But are you both truly that different? Or is hate not too far from love?

↳ Pairing: Jungkook/reader

↳ Genre: arranged marriage AU, enemies to lovers, it’s kind of a period AU??? Historical but also technically not? prince!AU, eventual smut

Word Count: 9k

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Note: thank u sm for being patient everyone! I hope you enjoy the chapter bc i definitely did!! :)

Dread filled your entire being as silence thickened in the air, your lips had parted multiple times and yet you could find the will to say a thing.

Your mothers head had been lowered somber as she folded her hands, the news bearing a weight heavier than you would have ever anticipated, “Why…?” You finally rasped out, “Why would they request our presence at the War Meetings?”

It was difficult to believe earlier that day you had been running in the fields with Seokjin, blissfully ignorant to the circumstances that were brewing in the castle. You knew that just because Penumbra had made the request, it didn’t mean anything.

Just that they wanted Eunoia's presence at the meeting but still, just the thought made your chest tighten in fright, they were the reason your country had become a graveyard to so many.

Your mother only shook her head, grabbing your hands tenderly as she sat beside you on your bed, “I do not know my dove,” She ushered softly, “But this is none too surprising to me truthfully.”

Your lips twisted mournfully as you mumbled, “It doesn’t?”

“No,” Your mother offered a sad smile, “We were the ones that shielded their lost nation of Seoul after Kyoto completely purged them. In a sense, I’m sure Penumbra feels as if they can trust us.”

Your lips curled in anger, “We protected them just so they could rise back up and fight with their pride!” You spat out, “And what did they give us in return? Nothing but grief, and death, and- and war.”

Your eyes glossed as you shook your head, unable to even close your eyes without the sight of the burning pilings filling your vision, the last round having been made up of mostly little ones, just the memory had your heart twisting in all kinds of ways.

“All of this, just for the sake of pride?” You whispered out painfully.

Your mother frowned as she shook her head, “Y/n, that isn’t fair to make that assumption of their entire nation just from the royals.”

“It isn’t just the royals,” You replied hotly, “They have an army, those that volunteer themselves to fight for them. For the bloody war.”

She sighed as she lowered her gaze, perhaps in acceptance of your anger, “Many have been affected by the wars over the last five years. Even so, it is our place in Eunoia to treat all with kindness and expect nothing in return. For that is who a Eunoian is.”

She looked at you with a soft yet stern look, “I don’t expect you to have full grasp of this concept yet, it takes time, but I wish you be more kind in your heart to Penumbra, they’ve suffered a lot over the years, it doesn’t make what they’ve done right. But just know many do not have a choice, they have families and children of their own to protect. Kyoto would good and well instigate the war all over again if it meant completely wiping them out had they not started it first.”

You glared down at your knees as your chest puffed a little, knowing she was right. A Eunoian would always be kind and expect no kindness in return but…Truthfully you weren’t sure if you could fully embody that, though you wish you could.

You couldn’t help but feel anger towards Penumbra, yes what they had gone through was horrible, but to instigate a war that did the same to other nations as had been done to them…? The lines were so blurred, you didn’t know anymore.

You didn’t want to know.

Your mother tenderly brushed her hand across your cheek, wiping away the tears of anger that had begun trailing down your cheekbones, “Life will never be simple Y/n,” She frowned, as if pained to see you in pain, “I just hope one day the Dryads will grant you the clarity to be able to navigate it.”

And with this she quietly exited the room as you shook your head, letting the tears continue to trail down your cheeks as you sniffled. The door opened once more to your surprise as Seokjin came in, worry in his eyes as you lowered your gaze once more.

“Don’t worry my love,” Seokjin ushered out as he kneeled in front of you, “Things will work out in our favor.”

You smiled mirthlessly, “You seem to have a lot of faith in that.”

“And you should as well, Eunoia being in the War Room council will change nothing, Penumbra are all criminals and they will die the death they deserve.” Seokjin replied, his eyes brewing with determination as he held your hands, “I don’t want our children to live in a world where Penumbra exists. I’ll burn every last bit of their land if it means protecting our future.”

You wept softly as you shook your head, “Perhaps, but I fear the change that is happening can’t be stopped.”

Seokjin gave you a comforting smile, “Have you met me darling? I could bring even change itself to its knees.”

This made a weak smile tug on your lips as you replied, “I hope you’re right.”

It had been hours since what had happened, and yet you still found your body shuddering occasionally as your breath would tremble and every time you’d close your eyes, you would find yourself back in Eunoia, when the bells would ring every Friday late evening when the bodies would be burned.

You briefly wondered what had made you even think of the memory of when you found out Penumbra had requested Eunoia during the War Room council, back before the rite of peace had been made.

Perhaps because back then you were young and naïve, and most definitely thought you’d never be in this position with the supposed Wicked Prince…

You shifted a little, causing the water to ripple at your movement, your eyes followed the ripple before it stopped at the sight of skin, before they immediately darted away and you could feel your face flush with heat.

And maybe it was just you, but you were positive it wasn’t from the hot water.

Jungkook had been bathing by himself after you had been settled into bed, having refused to talk but had managed to get dressed in your nightwear on your own and had for the most part calm down.

He had been relaxed in the water with his eyes shut when…You weren’t even sure what possessed you, his back had faced you but…the water looked inviting and you could see the steam wafting off of it and the chill in your bones hadn’t been melted.

So, you did something that you normally wouldn’t do- the norm it seemed these days, and had managed to undress yourself before stepping into the tub. Your only saving grace at the moment was that you were at least able to bath since Taehyung had begun using a heat repellent with your wrappings for your injuries. It allowed you to bathe but you still wouldn’t be allowed in for more then a half an hour at most.

Jungkook hadn’t opened his eyes but you had watched the muscles on his arms tense a little at the sound of rippling water and the unmistakable splash you had made as you sat down and eventually he had opened his eyes to look at you.

Your knees had since been tugged into your chest, letting the hot water melt away any fear and cold that had clung to you since this early evening. You took a deep breath, but your breath still shuddered no matter how hard you tried to keep it even.

You and Jungkook hadn’t spoken since he had taken you back to the castle and for a while he had just held you, saying no more before you eventually murmured that you could get changed. But now he was staring at you, his eyes a little lidded- perhaps from exhaustion, and you could see it.

He was tired.

But it looked like something was bothering him. Your lips trembled a little as you took another deep breath but to no avail, your breath still hadn’t gone completely back to normal. This caused a sigh to escape Jungkook’s lips.

What you hadn’t expected was for him to reach out to you, his hand cupping your cheek tenderly, “For what it’s worth, I tried to stop them…I’m sorry.” A dull ache throbbed in your chest and just like that your eyes were watering again.

A sniffle escaped you as you closed your eyes, warm wet tears began to slowly trickle down your cheeks as you openly let yourself lean into the touch of his hand, bigger than your cheek easily and you could feel the callouses that had formed on his skin from years ago.

His thumb brushed away any stray tears as you sniffled once more, scooting a little closer to him as your hands grabbed onto his own, snuggling it close to your cheek though you still kept a respectable distance from him.

Truthfully had this been any other situation you would’ve fully climbed into his embrace, but well…given you both were naked, you figured it wouldn’t be appropriate.

“Ever since we deforested the Western woods during the war we’ve had influxes like this,” Jungkook ushered quietly, “I had advised against it but my father wouldn’t have it…I had hoped we could lead it back to the northern woods where it would be safe when I saw you but Seohyun…” He shook his head, “I’m sorry.”

You tried desperately to not let your lips quiver but it was useless, your eyes squeezed shut and just the memory kept a dull ache alive in your chest, “It was just afraid.” You whispered, squeezing his hand once more before you shut your eyes, the feeling of warm tears dripping down your cheeks.

“I know.”

It was silent once more and the fire filled the void with it’s soft crackles that kept the cool air at bay, Jungkook’s hand had eventually slipped from your cheek before he sighed, shifting in the water before he asked, “Are you ready to get out?” as if sensing your feelings.

You gave a small nod as you sniffled.

Junkook only gave a short nod before he stood up from the water, your eyes immediately averted and your face felt warmer than you remembered.

Despite your tear stained cheeks, you still felt embarrassed at the sight of seeing your husband naked, even just the brief sight of muscular thighs had your heart rate picking up.

He wrapped the towel around his waist as he unfolded another one, “Alright stand up.”

You shuffled a little in your spot still curled up, knowing in order to dry off you needed to get out but...Well you didn’t think this far ahead if you were being truthful, he hadn’t even invited you to bath with him.

Briefly, worry began to creep into your chest, hoping you hadn’t crossed any boundaries with him by doing so, but seeing as he was holding up a towel- with an admittedly patient- yet slightly exasperated expression, made you feel that perhaps, you hadn’t done anything as such.

“Don’t be so pouty,” Jungkook chided, yet his tone was oddly soft, “I’m not gonna look at anything I don’t have permission to. Stand up before the water gets cold.”

Jungkook’s lips curled into a tiny reserved smile as yours lips jutted out further before you reluctantly stood up, your body immediately cold and feeling exposed but true to his words the towel blocked off his vision that he had politely kept up the towel before wrapping you up, letting you use his shoulders to balance as you wobbled a little to step out.

After a brief moment you suddenly realized how close you both were when you looked up at him, his hair wet and dripping with water as your hands kept hold close to his neck. It was silent for a long moment as you looked up at him. After a brief moment you suddenly realized how close you both were when you looked up at him, his hair wet and dripping with water as your hands kept hold close to his neck.

It was silent for a long moment as you looked up at him.

His hands seemed to tighten just a little on your waist, bunching the fabric of the towel and you could feel your cheeks beginning to throb as you finally broke eye contact mumbling, “I’m sorry…”

“For what?” Jungkook had cleared his throat a little, straightening back up and you noticed the way his finger’s seemed to fidget a little against the hem of the towel near your breasts as he tucked the side piece in.

You stared down at his chest, having not meant to stare yet you couldn’t help it, your eyes trace against the various marks and scars that littered his body, and then of course the chiseled well trained muscles that adorned so many scars.

“...everything.” You ushered softly with a shrug.

You could hear Jungkook puff a breath as if in amusement of your words but before you could even get the chance to ask why he had suddenly leaned down scooping you up like you were nothing more than a paper weight making you flail.

“Jungkook!” You shrieked as you curled up against him, your face feeling even hotter than before at how warm his skin was against yours and not only this but his entire upper body was naked- in fact he was naked if not for the two pieces of cloth separating you both.

He snickered at your reaction before placing you in the seat in front of the fire that was admittedly warm.

His expression melted into something that looked like content as he kneeled down in front of you, “Stop apologizing.”

This made your lips jut further, “...sorry.”

“Stop”

This one came out more reprimanding then the last and it made a small smile curl on your lips as he stood up before walking away briefly.

The one thing you appreciated about his room was the fireplace in it that was almost always going at night leaving it much warmer in comparison to yours or any other room.

You curled your legs against your chest as you huddled towards the fire to keep warm, you could hear a soft rustle behind you before Jungkook reappeared within a few moments, now dressed in a pair of loose trousers but still topless as he unfolded a new towel, kneeling down as he reached out drying your hair off as your lips jutted into a pout at how he wasn’t being gentle.

“Ow…!” You mumbled with a whine as your body wobbled against his rough grip as he placed

the towel over your head, pausing as his eyes gazed over your face before he snorted suddenly, a smile curling on his lips as you glared with a sulk at him.

He shook his head as he pulled the towel from your head, “Here, this was all I could find, I don’t know how Wheein sorts your wardrobe, so…” He stood up as he tossed the folded closes into your lap making you jump a little.

“You could be a little more gentle!” You whined out not responding to his words as he stretched up ignoring you as always as he walked away.

Your brows furrowed as you inspected the folded...shirt? But as you inspected the small material- much to your horror it was possibly the shortest night gown you had ever seen in your life.

This would not be that big of a deal if you were back in Eunoia, due to the warm nights, sleepwear was always loose and short, but you were married now! Your lips twisted into a pout as you stared down at the slip.

Somewhat in anger because if you hadn’t let Seokjin convince you into wearing more world traditional dresses and yourself consciousness nagging your mind, you probably wouldn’t have thought twice about putting this on.

You inhaled sharply., trying to calm your embarrassment as you called out, “You don’t actually expect me to wear this do you?”

You could have sworn you heard a quiet snicker from Jungkook before he spoke, “If you want to go hunt down Wheein, be my guest. Or you could go dig through all of your clothes yourself. But that’s all I could find, princess.”

You kicked your legs as you sighed before looking behind you sharply.

Jungkook was sat up on the bed with his back against the bedframe, arms loosely crossed and his eyes on your chair, it wasn’t as if he could see you to begin with but it was still making you warm in a lot of ways you were not familiar with, “Well?” He raised a brow, his lips curling into that wicked smile on his as he asked.

“You’re unbelievable!” You cried out, turning back around in your chair as you huffed, damn him! Damn him because he was absolutely right, you weren’t about to leave this room tonight and you certainly weren’t about to disrupt Wheein in the middle of the night especially after you dismissed her!

Straightening up you unwrapped the towel from yourself before pulling the dress over your head, it was odd, because while it felt foreign, a distant part of yourself relished in the comfort the flowy loose material gave you.

The material brushed just at your mid thigh making you smile, this was the same length as your sleepwear before you had been married. Maybe…maybe you had just overreacted, true you weren’t used to having a bed partner but well…It couldn’t be all that bad, could it?

Yes, after all you were married, it wasn’t as if any of this was actually scandalous in nature.

Slipping the panties up you stood up to pull them up all the way not meaning to flash your husband but you felt incredibly indignant when you heard a whistle from him making you immediately turn around, your face burning up as you glared at him, “Just because we’re married doesn’t give you the right to just....! Just…! Stare!”

Jungkook lifted his hands up as he chuckled at your flusteredness, tugging at the slip self consciously, just how did you wear such short and loose clothing all the time without feeling so self conscious before?

You thought about it briefly but you supposed it was just because it was Eunoia, people didn’t look at you…at all when you wore something of this nature there, because it wasn’t seen as anything but normal.

And yet somehow, you had never felt so exposed in front of a man before and you never imagined it would be like this...let alone in front of a man like this...husband or not you had remembered swearing on your wedding day that you’d never sleep with him.

Oh the irony.

“But if you didn’t want me too you would’ve said otherwise,” Jungkook shrugged casually as he yawned a sudden laugh erupting from his lips as if something occurred to him that seemed hilarious, “Nice ass by the way princess.”

“Oh!” You stomped your foot trying to ignore your heart pounding out of your chest and your body fluttering in…Ugh! You hated the excitement that his stupid voice made you feel.

It was even worse because Jungkook could clearly tell he was doing something to you, making him laugh even harder, obviously that was what had made him laugh in the first place…!

“Instead of pouting and just standing there expecting something besides crude humor from me you should just get in bed,” Jungkook sighed as he smiled, his eyes crinkled a little as he watched you, with wrapped arms around yourself as you walked awkwardly to the other side of the bed.

You sat down before snatching the duvet, covering your legs as you puffed a breath, “I don’t know why it even bothers me, in Eunoia we always wore things of this nature.”

You slumped a little as you tugged the covers further up to tops of your thighs, Jungkook yawned as he nodded, closing his eyes, “Hm I did notice that when we came to Eunoia. But you weren’t dressed like the others.”

You shuffled a little closer to him as you stared down at your hand wrappings, “Well I did once upon a time but…Well, I was told…” You hesitated, “That I would be looked at differently outside of Eunoia if I ever wore any of our more traditional style of wear.”

Jungkook opened his eyes, a frown on his face, “Looked at differently? Who told you that? Your mother? Because she…” He tucked his tongue into his cheek, raising his brows a little as if thinking your mother was…!

You smacked his arm with your wrist making a small smile tug on his lips, “No it…” You sighed as you shook your head, “Well, it doesn’t matter now, he was right after all. I was unaware at the time that the world just doesn’t work the same way Eunoia does. I never realized how lucky I was to live my life there, to be in a kingdom that doesn’t degrade me to nothing more than a vessel for…men to use, I suppose.”

This made Jungkook frown but not for the reason you first thought, “Ah, it was him huh.”

This made you do a double take, somewhat surprised at his words, “...What does that mean?” You shied away from his gaze, knowing full well who he was talking about, but it seemed like whenever Seokjin got brought up, it never ended well for you two…

Jungkook looked at you for a long moment before he sighed, “Seokjin of Kimhae,” He shook his head, as if the very name made him glare at his hands in disdain, “Out of everyone, it had to be him…”

He sighed wistfully making you frown as you fiddled with your bandages, “Jungkook…why do you not like Seokjin? He…” Your eyes softened a little, “He had his faults, for sure but, well I did love him once upon a time.”

Jungkook seemed to mull over your words for a long while, not saying anything as if he were evaluating just what to say, “...Seokjin is not who he pretends to be,” Was all he said, “He’s boastful and arrogant, he often peacocked around us, acting as if he was above me and my country. As if I was some scum of the earth that deserved death simply for being born.”

Jungkook’s eyes burned into his hands, “Truthfully I didn’t care for the longest time, people’s words rarely bother me…” His lips curled into a bitter smile, “But knowing he was your lover…?”

Jungkook’s lip twitched, “Knowing who he is, and that he tried to sink his teeth into you…” He inhaled sharply.

“He didn’t-”

“But he did,” Jungkook cut you off sharply as he gestured towards your slip, “You just told me you were convinced to not wear your own country's attire. You didn’t have to say his name for me to know it was him who told you to do so.”

You relented with a sigh, shaking your head softly, “That was my choice in the end, I won’t let anyone else take the blame for my choices….I do suppose however…” It felt tough to swallow but you couldn’t deny the merit of his words, “That you are right, Seokjin tried to persuade me on a lot of things, and because I loved him, I wanted to please him. I think it’s only natural…Or I suppose I thought I loved him.”

Jungkook’s gaze only briefly flickered to yours as he murmured, “You thought?”

This made you smile softly as you nodded, “Well of course, he was my first love, my only love. So it’s all I ever knew, but the more I look back, the more I come to terms with the idea that me and him…I don’t know,” You ushered softly, “Perhaps things happened the way they were meant to be.”

Sleep had come surprisingly easy, having such an emotionally taxing day…Well you weren’t surprised yourself, your entire body felt lethargic and tired and you had sleepily woken up a long while ago yet kept your eyes shut, enjoying the distant chirp of birds despite the cloudy day staving the sun away.

A hand brushed against your lower back, closer to your hip then you anticipated, but something about the touch made your body further relax.

A content wiggle escaped you as you sighed, unconsciousness tugging at you to let yourself fall back asleep as you shifted against once more against Jungkook who seemed to make a noise of possible complaint.

“Stop that…” you could hardly make out his mumbled words, riddled with sleep.

This made your lips curl a little as you felt his arm fully wrap around you, his hand now curled around your waist and you could feel the bare skin of your thighs brushing along the fabric of his pants, somewhere last night your slip must’ve lifted up, but currently you weren’t going to stress over it, especially since you were covered up with a blanket.

And it was so warm under its cozy covers, you nudged the crook of his neck a little, trying to hide your smile as you shifted one last time to situate yourself.

“Ugh Princess fuck.”

You nearly squeaked out at your hips having gotten too close to his and rather than getting comfortable to nap once more, you found something thick and hard that was dangerously close to your cunt, panicked arousal was already clinging to your panties as you jolted, “I…! I’m- I'm sorry! I didn’t mean too…!”

You could feel your face throb as your eyes met Jungkook’s, he was laid on his back and his eyes had cracked open as he yawned almost too casually, “It’s not your fault I was already hard before you woke up anyways. Just maybe don’t do…that.” He sighed.

But despite his words Jungkook’s hands had a firm grip on your waist now, not about to let you get any further away from him then you already had as you somewhat propped yourself up in disbelief.

“What!? How-…?” You stared at him in silent demand and somewhat confused. How could he be…? Before you were even awake?

Jungkook stared up at you for what felt like forever, but slowly you watched his lips curve just a little, a smirk adorning his lips and his eyes were lidded as he puffed a breath of amusement, “Were you not taught male anatomy?”

You could feel your cheeks rush with blood that made them throb as your eyes twisted into an embarrassed glare, “Of course I wasn’t! What kind of question is that?”

What you hadn’t realized was the now somewhat compromising position you put yourself in, your lower body straddling his abdominal and your hands resting on his chest, not fully aware your thighs were completely exposed and your breasts were almost spilling out of your slip.

Jungkook let out a sigh that suspiciously sounded almost like a moan as he closed his eyes, “You gotta stop staring at me like that princess.”

“Like what?” Your lips tugged into a sulky pout, now feeling flustered that you should be less naive about these things, but you couldn’t help it…! You never went as far as to let Seokjin stay in your room at night when he came to visit in Eunoia. How were you supposed to know that this…happened naturally…?

You jolted at Jungkook’s hand suddenly grabbing your chin, forcing you closer to him as you grabbed his chest once more to catch yourself, Jungkook’s lips curled into a more wicked smirk this time as he whispered, “Like you wanna fuck me.”

“Jeon Jungkook!”

He knew how you’d react but watching how flustered it made you had him gagging out laughing as you managed to grab a pillow to smack him with, “How dare you!” Albeit your blows were weak as you struggled to properly grip the pillow in sake of not disturbing your wounds which were already beginning to throb in irritation.

Jungkook grabbed the pillow from you making you tumble back against him, but now you were acutely aware of the position you were in, fumbling as you spoke flustered, “Jungkook…” This time however, your voice wasn’t nearly as strong as it was, something stirring in your stomach at the way he kept wolfishly staring at you.

As if amused, as if aroused.

It was making your hands tremble and an ache throb between your legs, just the embarrassment alone at that feeling that was slowly becoming all too familiar made it difficult to even hold Jungkook’s gaze.

Jungkook’s hand squeezed around your chin tightly, forcefully turning your head to whisper in your ear, his warm breath tickling against your skin, “Hmm, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you find this attractive.”

It had your hands coiling around his shirt helplessly as you tried to not let yourself get any more flustered from his aggressiveness.

“What would give you that impression?” You gritted your teeth but your words hardly came out like a bite.

“Where do you want me to start?” Jungkook replied right back.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were the one who finds this attractive.” You glared at him but you were aware your expression looked anything but menacing, you could barely hold yourself together when he was holding you against him like this.

Jungkook stared at you for a long moment, some of his aggressive motions seemed to loosen a little before a lazy smirk tugged back on his lips, “Maybe. Wouldn’t you like to know princess?”

If you weren’t flustered before you certainly were now, unable to escape his grip on your hips you did the only thing you could, collapse back down against him, hiding away against his neck where you could feel his laugh escape.

“Stop…! This is hardly appropriate, can’t you just make it go away…?” Your voice came out like a sulky whine, trying to ignore how hot your body had suddenly began burning.

This made Jungkook snort, “We’re married, I don’t think anything we could do would be considered scandalous…Hm…I can make it go away but I don’t know if you’d like what that would entail.”

“What’s that supposed to- Ah…!” Your original thought was cut off into a quiet moan as Jungkook’s hand tangled into your hair, grabbing a thick chunk as he gave it a slight pull, an almost pleasant feeling being sent straight to your cunt as he whispered in your ear.

“Or maybe you would. Ugh, fuck I can feel how much your thigh’s are clenching, if you want it to go away you’re more then happy to help.”

“I’m just fine!” You squeaked out at how forward he was suddenly being, you couldn’t even fully comprehend how you got yourself into this position. Not that it was a bad one but…Well you certainly hadn’t foreseen this happening.

“Oh? You didn’t seem to mind helping Seokjin?” Jungkook’s voice came out like a taunt and you could feel his hips jut upward in a seeking thrust, “How is this any different hm? Go on, I’m waiting.”

He was being so mean…!

You whined out almost pathetically at how harsh your cheeks were throbbing and your body was burning up and an embarrassing amount of arousal clung to your panties as you cried out against his skin, “Everything is different with you! It’s- It’s not the same at all..!”

Your face felt incredibly hot and a shameful small moan escaped your lips at his hands grabbing your hips, pulling them back down against his, you could feel his cock throbbing almost painfully, confined in his pants.

Your mind was becoming hazy and filled with the only thing you could describe was lust.

“I don’t see why it shouldn’t be,” Jungkook almost growled out, his fingers digging into your skin, “After all, he was the one making sure everyone knew how well you treated him.”

“He- ah..! He wouldn’t…” You whimpered at your hips finally caving in, grinding down against his thick bulge, pleasure spiking in your body making a whined moan escape you, “Jungkook…!” You mumbled pathetically against him.

Your entire body felt weak and your hands were shaking from all the nervous energy that was coursing through your body, you were really doing this right now…?

“Fuck, good girl.” Jungkook moaned softly, his hands encouraging your movement and just that singular word had your body frantically rutting against his. Your forehead was pressed into his shoulder and your lips were parted at the spikes of pleasure that came in waves at the friction that throbbed against your cunt.

“Mmph! Jungkook…Ah…” Your voice was broken and whimpered as your hands curled into fists against his chest, your legs trembling at the feeling of your cunt soaking arousal through your panties, beginning to make a mess on his thick heady imprint, “Please…!”

“Please what?” Jungkook had a wicked smile on his face as he grabbed at your hair once more, giving it a soft yank to expose your neck to him, his tongue dragging hotly against your skin before he ushered a moan against it, “What do you want princess? Go on, look me in the eyes and tell me what you want.”

You rapidly shook your head at the sight of those icy blue eyes meeting yours, your entire body lit on fire at your head barely being lifted from the hazy cloud it had been buried in at the realization of just what you were doing right now and the possible repercussions it could have on your relationship with Jungkook.

And with that realization the stark reality had come back to haunt you, a sudden uncomfortable feeling sunk into your stomach and panic rose in your chest, “What’s wrong?” You hadn’t even realized tears had begun to blur your vision until Jungkook appeared almost alarmed.

Immediately sitting up as he took hold of you in a gentle grasp and if you didn’t feel embarrassed before you certainly did now, embarrassed and stupid.

You couldn’t even look at him as you grasped your face trying to stop from letting tears drip down your cheeks as you struggled to let air into your lungs, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Jungkook almost demanded, his hands grabbing at your wrists though he didn’t pull them away from your face.

You shook your head as your lips quivered, feeling stupider by the minute as he asked, “Why are you crying?”

“It’s stupid…” You ushered out timidly as you shook your head.

You could hear Jungkook sigh, his hands softening on your wrists as he spoke, “It’s not if you’re crying.”

It was silent for a moment as you tried to gather your thoughts, hesitantly lowering your hands from your face as you peered at him timidly before your gaze dropped, “I…We’ve worked so hard to get to this point, to make this work. I don’t want to lose your interest now if I…if we…”

Jungkook stared at you blankly for a long moment before he spoke, almost confused, “What the hell are you talking about?”

You groaned with a pout, eyes still watering as you spoke, “I- I- If we….you won’t…”

Jungkook sighed through his nose as he rubbed his face, “If we have sex that won’t change a single thing Y/n.” He puffed a breath almost amused as he looked up at your worried eyes, “I don’t view you as some kind of conquest- I would never view you that way.” He reached out, thumbing a tear that rolled down your cheek as you closed your eyes.

His words were sweet and yet you somehow felt even worse, “..’m sorry, I ruined the moment-”

“Stop,” Jungkook chided you, his eyes now reprimanding, “What did I say about all of these apologies? You didn’t ruin anything, I don’t want you in any way if you aren’t completely comfortable with it. And I don’t have any expectations of this in the future unless you want it.”

You ushered a cry softly as Jungkook sighed in exasperation, looking mildly awkward as he ran a hand through his ruffled hair, “...You can’t keep doing this to me.” He mumbled.

You rubbed the tears from your eyes as you murmured, “Do what?”

“This.” Jungkook gestured at your face- or presumably your tears, he looked awkward as he sighed once more, “I don’t know what else to do other than tell you I…” His nose wrinkled, “...Don’t mind your company, clearly. But I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with if you think it’ll keep my attention. You already have it. But I also don’t want you to stop yourself from doing something you want, in fear of messing up.”

“But…!” Your lips jutted, “It’s easy for you to say that! You’re not the one that has to deal with your anger! That isn’t…I would like to avoid that if possible.”

This made Jungkook snort in amusement, “Well princess, I’m the one who has to deal with your anger, which is just as unpleasant. But we’ve dealt with one another like this from the day we met. Messing up is a part of getting to know one another. And truthfully I think this would be far from messing up.”

He had that stupid small boyish smile of his on his face that made you look away somewhat bashfully as you gave him a gentle shove, “...You don’t think so..? That this…wouldn’t be a bad thing?”

“Why would it?” Jungkook asked, and he looked genuinely confused, “You’re my wife.”

The sentence made something flutter in your stomach, the way Jungkook said it so naturally, as if there wasn’t even the slightest hesitation in his voice, as if it was always meant to be this way.

His confidence gave you confidence that, perhaps he was right about this.

You shifted a little in his lap before you shrugged, “Just because we’re married doesn’t mean anything.”

“No,” Jungkook hummed in thought and if you listened closely, you could hear the slightest hesitation in his voice, “But that doesn’t mean it can’t.”

His words were ushered out softly, nothing more than a whisper and his eyes locked onto the door, as if worried someone could possibly hear you both in this moment. There was a certain shyness in the air now and neither of you could look the other in the eye anymore.

And in timely fashion, a knock on the door nearly made you jump out of your skin, fumbling off his lap as you could hear Wheein on the other side asking for permission to come in. That was right, today was a new day after all.

And yet you couldn’t help but want to focus on a presence that was quickly slipping through your fingers.

Just because you were married, didn’t mean anything, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t…

“Are you certain of this Jungkook?” The question came from Namjoon.

There was a silence that permeated in the air as Jungkook sunk into his seat, all of his closest friends and what he considered family huddled up in his former handlers’ study.

“I’m not,” Jungkook admitted, a frown on his lips as he shook his head, “But I can’t overlook the possibility that we may have a traitor amidst the court. It would have to be someone inconspicuous though. I can’t bring this to my family’s attention yet, not until we have solid proof.”

“Where would we even start with something like this though?” Jimin frowned as he chimed in, “We can’t just go interrogating royals, and poking around any bedrooms will have us in the dungeon.”

“Is it possible we could service some of the maids then?” Hoseok replied, “Wheein would be able to scour any rooms of possible suspects, no questions asked.”

Jungkook had leaned back in his seat, a hand on his chin in thought as he shook his head, “It would still be too risky to involve anyone on the outside. If word got out about a possible traitor amongst the court everyone would be in an uproar. Wheein wouldn’t say anything but that doesn’t change the fact that maids talk.”

The idea made Jungkook sigh as he ran a hand through his hair, “And it would be too big of a task to ask her to do it by herself regardless.”

“Not to mention the Princess has been granting her extra time off to attend her ailing mother, I don’t know if she would be able to take on the extra responsibility.” Taehyung spoke up.

This however caused Jungkook to shift a little, extra time off…? “What?” He spoke, his gaze narrowing on Taehyung in question.

This made Taehyung tilt his head in curiosity as he explained, “Yes, the Princess has been very kind in allowing Wheein to tend to her mother during some of her hours she was supposed to attend the Princess.”

This made Jungkook frown immediately his gaze dropping to the table with a troubled look, it wasn’t that he was upset by what you had done, the very opposite in fact, he took pleasure in knowing you were being kind and tender to your personal maid. But…well with the looming threat of someone wanting you dead…

Jungkook would never admit it out loud but he had taken comfort in knowing that whenever he wasn’t with you during the day, that Wheein was at your side, if he could trust anyone with a sword, it would be her.

Of course he hadn’t given her any formal instruction to keep you safe but…well he felt he didn’t need too, he saw the way you both interacted, he knew Wheein would do so on her own accord but…This information was troubling for him. Because if she wasn’t with you, that meant you were alone, for presumably long hours.

“Is something troubling you Sire?” Namjoon frowned as he asked, glancing at Jungkook across the table.

“Yes,” Jungkook admitted, “If Wheein is tending to her mother then that mean’s Y/n is alone during the day and this…” He sighed, “If I could have it my way I’d want either Jimin or Hoseok with her during the day but I cannot afford to have either of you on the sidelines right now. But I don’t know who else I could trust with keeping her safe.”

It was silent for a long moment before Jimin suddenly perked up, “Oh…! Yoongi should be back from his tour soon! Perhaps we could fill him in on the details when he arrives, I’m sure he’d be happy to finally relax and accompany the Princess during the day.”

Jungkook seemed to perk a little at this as well, tilting his head a little, “Really? I thought he wasn't going to come back until next Spring?”

“The stirring on the west has caused the expansion to come to a halt,” Hoseok frowned in thought, “That’s probably why he’s coming back early.”

Jungkook frowned at this, yes that was right, scouts had detected a stir in activity from Prokofiev and this was part of the reason his aunt was back home as well. Something just didn’t sit right with him though, about all of this.

“Very well.” Jungkook replied, “I’ll speak with him myself when he arrives then, when is his estimated arrival date then?”

“Within the next two weeks.” Jimin replied, “If that’s taken care of then, perhaps we should move on to the more…unsavory news…” He glanced at Hoseok who also sighed at this.

This made Jungkook frown as well, “What of it?”

“There was a breach in the southern border.” Hoseok said.

This made Jungkook nearly jolt in his chair, his eyes narrowing as he asked, “A breach? By whom?”

“One of our own,” Hoseok sighed, slumping in his chair as if a memory was plaguing him, “I went to investigate myself and they said it was likely one of the squire’s from the knighthood. Which means…”

“Our assassin has taken his leave.” Jungkook’s lips twitched in anger as his fists curled, inhaling sharply, “That we know of right now.” He shook his head but anger simmered in his veins, “It doesn’t matter anymore,” He growled, “I want to know who sent him. Because if we can’t figure out who it is, they’ll only hire more assassins to do their bidding, and until then Y/n won’t be safe.”

“If I may Sire,” Taehyung gestured as Jungkook nodded, “Perhaps we’re looking in the wrong place. It may be a royal but…” He faltered for a second, “I fear it may be someone in an even bigger position than that.”

“An outside influence?” Namjoon asked as he tilted his head.

“Perhaps,” Taehyung replied as he shook his head, “I can’t describe it but…I feel very strongly the presence of a much darker force at play here then we can understand.”

Jungkook glanced at the table in thought for a moment before he spoke, “We’ll start with the postal system first, I doubt any plots of murder would be on paper but perhaps we can narrow down a group, or person first to begin the hunt. This can’t be the doing of just one person, something bigger is at play right now.”

The thought made Jungkook’s lips twitched, “And I intend to win. You’re all excused, do not let this take up your entire day, you all still have daily duties to attend to as do I. Be discreet, we’ll all meet back here by the end of the week to report out findings.”

“Good because I need to attend to the Princess now,” Taehyung ushered as he glanced at the clock, realizing he was bordering late to his morning routine.

Jungkook nodded, waving him away as he opened the door to find his servant Taehyun about to knock, “...Yes?”

“Um...” Taehyun frowned, “We were disposing of the Ashe Wolf like you asked us too but...we ran into a problem and well...I thought it would be best to just let you come take a look for yourself.”

Jungkook sighed at this, rubbing his face but gestured his servant to lead the way, it was difficult to believe daily duties still existed in times as troubling as these.

“Your hands are healing nicely,” Taehyung hummed out, a pleasant smile on his face and he was indeed right, your hands had come a long way since the accident had first happened.

You glanced down at them right a brief smile before it slowly faded, your stomach churning unpleasantly at the sight of scarring that was beginning to form in place of your skin.

You cleared your throat a little, a weak smile tugging on your face as you asked, “Does this mean I’ll be able to start my training once more.”

“Soon yes,” Taehyung nodded, “I still need to speak with the Prince about it. But I expect you to be able to as early as next week.” ‘

Finally, good news was in the air as you relaxed a little with a nod, letting him finish wrapping your bandages before he took his leave. Wheein had just re-entered the room from an errand she had to run for him, handing him over a satchel before he nodded and exited the room.

“How’s your mother Wheein?” You asked out softly.

Wheein offered a small smile of gratitude, “Better, she’s still very weak, but better. I can’t thank you enough for allowing Taehyung to help m’lady.”

You folded your hands into your lap as you shook your head, “There’s no need for so much thanking, I’d do it again in a heartbeat if needed. Please do what you need to in the meantime to aid her health.”

Wheein had been continuously thanking you for what you did, but truthfully you felt as if it was the least you could do for her given how patient and sweet she had been to you since the beginning of your stay in Penumbra.

Wheein only nodded once more thankful for your kindness before she began to get you dressed, “Oh…! The prince caught me on the way back to the castle, he asked for me to escort you to the stables.”

You tilted your head curiously, glancing at Wheein through the mirror as you asked, “Is…Is that allowed? I mean…” You sighed, “I suppose if it was by his request it is but…” Well tension was still lingering since the assassination attempt.

Jungkook had left earlier than you which you could only assume he must have gone to meet with the others about the whole ordeal, the entire event may have felt like it had been long ago, but it was still fresh in your mind and everyone was still on high alert.

“If you’re safe with anyone, it would surely be the Prince.” Wheein gave you a small smile as she finished the final touches of your wardrobe, “Speaking of…” A more mischievous look twisted on her face, “That was an awfully short nightgown to be wearing last night.”

You sucked in a harsh breath of air, trying to not let the flustered expression show on your face but it was too late, Wheein was covering her giggles as you spoke, “Was it him? Did he specifically get a nightgown tailored for me?”

Wheein grinned at this as she shook her head, “No actually, I believe that was from your original wardrobe when you first came to Penumbra. You had never requested to wear it though so I had just kept it in the back of your closet for safe keeping. It must’ve accidentally gotten tangled up in the bunch when I was going through to pack for your stay in here.”

You chewed on your lip before you admitted, “It did seem familiar, I haven’t worn it in ages though. I almost forgot what it was like,” You let out a brief smile, “Still though,” A pout tugged on your lips, “He didn’t let go of the chance to tease me about it.”

This made Wheein smile once more, “A good sort I hope?”

You mulled over her words, a more shy smile tugging on your lips as you glanced at your lap with a shrug, “I suppose it is.”

It was actually rather nice being able to take a walk outside the castle for once, it was a rather sunny day though clouds scattered the sky looking gray meaning rain would surely make its return as the day went on.

Stepping outside the gates of the castle felt…forbidden almost, you looked around hesitantly as Wheein led the way happily, but her eyes were sharp, as if enjoying the sunshine but still vigilant as ever.

The stables were just a little further from the guardsman quarters and soon enough she guided you over, you could already see Jungkook inside, hauling a bale of hay over what looked like some sort of makeshift pen.

“I have other duties to attend so I’ll leave you to attend with the Prince if that’s okay…” Wheein peered at you, hands folded as if truly making sure you would be okay with that.

You offered a small smile, “Of course, don’t let me keep you.” You waved her off as you stepped inside the stables, your voice drawing Jungkook’s attention.

And you noticed the smallest thing, his eyes which had been previously squinted in that broody look he always wore, seemed to almost melt away immediately, his eyes brightening a little at the sight of you and his expression seemed to perk, just the slightest.

To the untrained eye, it may have gone unnoticed, but not for you.

This made a smile you couldn’t resist tug on your lips, “Rather bold of you to let me come outside the castle gates. I’m surprised.”

This made Jungkook snort, “We’re a short distance from the gates…” But he stopped short as his expression dimmed a little as he sighed, “...I’ll tell you more of the details later but I don’t think we’ll need to be as worried about any future assassinations as we have been.”

“Oh?” You tilted your head with a frown, now wondering why he wouldn’t just tell you now.

“I didn’t call you here to discuss that though, this…” Jungkook looked away from you with an exasperated sigh as he rubbed the back of his neck and dare you say he…almost seemed…bashful?

“I have a…surprise,” Jungkook finally seemed to admit, “For you.” A brief smile tugged on his lips, “I think you’ll like it.”

“For me?” You raised your brows with a smile.

“Yes, when I was in a meeting this morning Taehyun came to report something to me, it’s about the ashe wolf…Or well…” Jungkook gestured you over as you came to stand beside him before you gasped out as he continued, “More like what they discovered she had been carrying.”

You could feel your words stuck in your throat at the beautiful thick grey fur and big puppy eyes that stared back up at you, just the realization made tears sting in your eyes as your heart ached, “Oh she was protecting her pup.”

You immediately reached out as the ashe wolf pup sniffed your hand curiously before licking it, making you giggle as your smile softened, rubbing your hand between it’s ears. It looked like a full grown dog but it was so little for an ashe wolf.

“When the guards were cleaning up the mess this morning they discovered it in the pocket hide of the wolf, the moment they reported it to me I took it here first thing to build somewhere to keep it until we could give him a proper pen of his own.” Jungkook explained.

Your eyes widened as you glanced up at him, “We’re keeping it?”

This made the tiniest of smiles tug on Jungkook’s lips, “I know how much it meant to you to try and keep the wolf safe, I feel like this is the best apology I can give for what happened.”

A small smile tugged on your lips, feeling somewhat bashful at his words as you continued to pet the pup, “It wasn’t your fault what happened…There’s no need to apologize over it, but…” Your smile began to grow as your eyes almost glittered in excitement, “I really do appreciate this Jungkook. Thank you.”

The pup however was now busy chasing it’s own tail before you extended your arm out further gaining it’s attention, it’s big wet nose nudging you before happiness thrumming in your chest as it nudged your hand for another pet.

Jungkook had leaned against the side of the wall, a soft smile on his lips as he watched you squeal as you rubbed your hand against the bridge of its nose and the more you thought about it the more your chest squeezed in a sort happiness that you weren’t sure you had ever experienced before.

“Really, I mean…I can’t tell you how much this means to me.” You grinned out as you finally pulled away from the pup as you looked at Jungkook, who seemed quite satisfied with your reactions thus far.

“I don’t think you need too,” Jungkook looked amused as he raised a brow, “I can quite literally see how much you like it.”

But it just filled you with so much more glee, your hands were nearly trembling at how much excitement filled you...Jungkook chose to keep the pup just...for you? It made your whole body feel warm and fuzzy and in a fit of happiness you turned to face him fully before nearly throwing yourself at him.

Your arms curling around his neck as you squealed out in excitement and your heart was skipping beats in your chest as a shyness coiled in you, “No really! Thank you. This means the world to me.”

Jungkook’s body stiffened upon contact with you as he stared down at you somewhat in bewilderment before he slowly relaxed once more, still somewhat awkward as he was unsure where to place his hands before settling around your waist.

He wouldn’t deny, out of all the times he wished he had your thanks. For the first time, it felt very fulfilling to hear. But he wasn’t even truly focused on your words anymore, just that he realized, he really enjoyed seeing you smile.

#bts #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook x reader smut #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x y/n smut #jungkook imagine #jungkook scenario #bts imagine #bts au

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n--n · 1 year

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One last touchstarved theory thingy bc I’ve almost purged my brief obsession!! It’s mentioned by both Leander and Vere that the one running the Senobium- and thus its shady policies- is someone called The Abbess. An Abbess is a nun in charge of the nunnery, so I can only assume she is gonna have some sort of religious symbolism related to her like Kuras and Mhin do. Unfortunately the literal one-sentence blink and you’ll miss it lines are all we have to go off for her, but I’m excited to see what she’s really like in game! (From the attitude both Vere and Leander have in those one-off lines, it’s clear she’s almost certainly a villain).

Some misc, tinfoil-hat theories:

- Elyon, as a powerful noble, likely works with but opposes the Abbess. He owns most of the brothels in Lowtown apparently so he has incentive to keep the divide between hightown and lowtown, but as someone with power he probably chafes at the control the Senobium has over hightown

- Sen, from her one-sentence descriptor, is a revived warden seeking her own death. Almost certainly one of the Senobium’s experiments, not sure what a warden in the context of the touchstarved universe is but probably a Fancy Jailer for the Senobium like the word usually implies. Maybe the experiments left her with such a painful condition she’d rather die? Or it could be more supernatural, in that she can not Rest until her unfinished business in Eridia is Taken Care Of.

-The Abbess could be the one that initiated the changes at the Senobium in the first place a generation ago, since immortality is confirmed to exist in-universe (see Vere being chained “Centuries Ago”)

-I think Leander is meant as the sort of “starter LI”, since the demo and supplementary info give us the most info about him while at the same time holding back just enough as to be intriguing (see: the countless Leander-specific theory posts that started this post lmao) I imagine his route will tell us the most about lowtown, fogfall and Eridia at large, whereas Vere/Mhin/Kuras will tell us most about the Senobium, and Ais will tell us most about the overall world, magic (fogfall again), monsters (like the soulless), and of course Ais’s boss/“friend” Ocudeus and the Seaspring

Other thots:

- I’m most excited for Leander’s route for obvious reasons (hot + will get to meat of story + I want to see What’s Really Wrong With Him so bad) but also know that will make me more disappointed if he turns out to be Just Some Asshole. I want him to be a monster bc he commits atrocities like the rest of them, not because he’s a reminder of the shittier guys I’ve met. That being said I know I’ll probably still really like the character if they do go that route, since the overall writing from the demo is super engaging and solid in quality- which bodes well for the final product

-Speaking of writing, I’m loving that different backstories actually have weight in the narrative. I love when the player is actually rewarded with info for making a choice, instead of it just being one or two flavor text things. Choosing different backstories affects your red dialogue options (the romance-y choices) and gives you different attitudes towards events in the story, making replay ability high

-I’m worried by how successful the kickstarter is since I Have Been Burned last times I backed videogame Kickstarters (Blue Omen Operation, Homestuck Game) 😭 The team seems experienced and competent, since most seem to have come from Nix Hydra/other successful otome games that got killed by poor management. But like, still really worries me since it’s their first game and all. The demo was so good but so was Blue Omen Operations and look where that landed me ($15 less in my pocket from backing years ago 🥲)

-On a lighter note, this game is clearly a passion project and I’ve loved what I’ve seen so far- if I have enough money to spare before the Kickstarter is over, maybe I’ll get it just to support the devs

-getting so obsessed w the demo even if only for a week or so has reminded me Oh Yeah, I Forgot I Love Gothic Horror. If by some miracle you’re still reading this drop a recommendation pls

#touchstarved demo #touchstarved game #red spring studios #touchstarved spoilers #touchstarved #touchstarved theory #I didn’t find out abt the Nix Hydra/Larian drama until recently bc I redownloaded the app to play the full game #only to find it was both shittier and different #I was playing it as it came out but stopped after a while and decided to just play when it was done but whoops #looks like I waited too long and the company imploded #oh well I have other otome games to be obsessed about now rip Arcana you were a solid game w great art

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ghostoflillith · 7 months

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Meditation really is such a huge game changer when it comes to mental health and self improvement.

Yet so many people misunderstand it, or just don't want to try it bc they think it will be boring.

Was using your imagination as a child boring? Meditation is as boring or exciting as you make it.

Many people don't know where to start, or claim they just "don't have the time," but we make time for that which is important to us.

Do you smoke cigarettes or weed?

Even just 5 minutes a day, hell, a week, can cause such a massive change in your perspective of life.

Taking the time to slow down, breathe, and sort through your brain, in a world that is so "GO GO GO," all the time, is so crucial to keeping a clear head.

Getting in touch with ourselves, who we really are, our desires and fears, in a world filled with overstimulation and escapism has never been more important.

If you are curious, or would like to get started, or even just try it out to see "what's up," I highly encourage snooping through the "guided meditation" section of youtube.

Start off small, 5 minute, 10 minute, whatever feels right to you. What videos call to you? What seems interesting to try?

(I can send you a playlist of some of my favorites if you like!)

If you are serious about bettering yourself, meditation is a GREAT and FREE way to start!

I have learned so much about myself just through 5-10 minute daily guided sessions.

I took a break but just got back into it again and I already feel so much better.

When I first started, I was in a very very low place. Each meditation I did would leave me crying and shaking, not because I was sad, but because I was purging trauma trapped in my body.

Mediation helped me learn to regulate my emotions, feel them, and allow them to pass, instead of getting trapped in them. It has given me so much clarity about myself and the world around me. It's truly one of the best things I may have ever done for myself.

It has helped me build confidence, self assurance, helped me let go of things that desperately needed to be released, helped me connect with myself and my spirit guides, taught me patience (still working on that one lol) and so so much fucking more.

It has brought me feelings of true peace, which I had not experienced before. I am not so quick to be angered or triggered, I think much more logically and am less trapped in my emotions. It's actually kind of crazy how much my brain has changed in the last 3 years from meditation. If you knew me irl, you know I used to be VERY emotional, suicidal, prone to self harm tendencies. That's not who i am anymore, and a big chunk of that is due to meditation.

I respond more frequently, not from a place of trauma, but from a place of understanding and kindness. Coming from someone who's whole personality was nothing but trauma responses....I am forever grateful to myself for deciding to begin this journey.

Meditation is one of the most powerful forms of self care I have ever encountered. It is long lasting, unlike face masks and bubble baths.

Some of the most profound meds I have done are for emotional release, and I cannot recommend this more for people with trauma of any kind. Let that shit out of your body, instead of keeping it trapped and poisoning your spirit. (Only if you feel ready)

If you can learn to control your emotions, you can truly do anything.

Do you Meditate?

What kinds of meditation are your favorite?

Do you have any favorite guided meditation channels on youtube?

If so, drop them shits in the comments!

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trickstarbrave · 5 months

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i am back with steren content in vivi's au again (from @mulberrycafe)

i didnt get to cover a lot about how vivienne feels bc this was pretty much just steren's perspective. and he is. he's not having a good time. i cant even imagine how helpless vivienne feels to know he's hurting but doesnt want to and wont listen to anything countering it bc hes. genuinely isolated and lost in a different world and thinks theres no place for him there.

there will be good things to come rn he's just suffering. he's a good boy, despite everything. but he'll get his love and comfort soon okay just wait

Steren learned he hated the cold.

He thought he disliked it before when a cold wind would blow from the sea in northern Vvardenfell, but it was nothing like the chill you got on Solstheim. It was frigid, even in Redoran style buildings which tried to keep the freezing cold air out.

A healer told him he likely had a naturally weak constitution to the cold; an unfortunately common thing for dunmer. Many could survive the cold so long as they had adequate shelter and warmth, whereas others would be shaking and develop hypothermia very quickly in any weather remotely cold, hence why so many remained on Morrowind’s mainland as overcrowded as it was.

Gods… Hearing the story of Red Mountain’s eruption only made this world stranger. Baar Dau supposedly fell and made the volcano erupt, where it still spewed ash and rock in the distance (when he could manage standing outside bundled up long enough). So much had changed… It had supposedly been 200 years or so since the Nerevarine prophecy was fulfilled. The Septim empire fell, there was an invasion from Oblivion--to be frank he still didn’t understand that, but made a mental note to pick up a few books on it--and probably more he’d hear about.

Vvardenfell was basically ruins. Refugees spilled out into Tamriel, and Solstheim was made an official territory of Morrowind. He had out of pure curiosity asked about House Hlaalu, and was told they were no longer a Great House and had basically been purged from Morrowind.

It was… A strange place. That he couldn’t deny. A very, very strange world.

Currently he was in the corner club--after being bundled in a few layers of thick wool and a heavy fur cloak by both healers and the hortator and his husband. The king of Morrowind tried to ask him to stay in bed and rest more, but Steren was getting stir crazy, and the healers assured him that walking around a bit would help Steren recover, so long as he stayed warm.

Steren didn’t talk to people much. He was always told he was quiet, but he was even more so here. He wore a bandana to cover the star on his forehead (several of the citizens of Raven Rock gave him dirty looks and asked if he was a Sixth House cultist when he didn’t), and mostly just listened to other people talk while only half listening but giving the impression he was paying attention. A strangle blue khajiit told him stories from time to time, often repeating himself without realizing it, but more often than not it was a specific mer bothering him.

This elf wasn’t Vivec. He’d been corrected enough to know that, sometimes with fearful glances from servants at the manor as they did so. They warned him heavily that if he said that around the hortator and his husband they could cut his tongue out for the insult and transgression, and since then he had been careful with his tongue. Though talking to him revealed Vivienne was very different from Vivec in more ways that just a few differences in appearance.

Vivec was… Distant. A bit cold. Sometimes indirect and obfuscating answers to the point of cruelty. It was impossible to tell where his lies ended and his art began--if Vivec truly believed what he said, or if he was saying what others wanted him to hear.

For a time, in his first life, Steren considered Vivec a mentor figure. As arrogant as it was, the god seemed to show a particular softness to Steren. When he first went for answers he even thought Vivec might actually tell him; sit him down and explain his history and place in the world. Instead Vivec told him to stop looking for answers and shut up. To deal with his life and live in ignorance. Maybe it was out of fear Steren would want revenge. Maybe it was because he was genuinely trying to protect the boy. Steren didn’t know, and now he supposed he never really would.

Vivienne though was… Different. Softer. Earnest. Nice, if he wanted to be charitable, though Steren tried to avoid people who he would describe as ‘nice’. ‘Nice’ in Morrowind was a red flag. Most people used seeming kindness and a pleasant attitude to manipulate outsiders and those who were unsuspecting, after all. Sweet words were so often followed by a knife in your back, a lesson he had learned so many times before. He’d been conned, stolen from, poisoned, and nearly killed by so many people he thought were nice.

At the very least he didn’t think Vivienne was dangerous. At least, not a danger to Steren currently. From the stories he half listened too Vivienne seemed very powerful and wasn’t someone he wanted to get on the bad side of, especially not when he had very powerful allies, including the hortator and his husband as his mentors.

“You’re… Oddly quiet.” Vivienne remarked. Steren--who was only allowed to drink tea after the hortator ordered no one in the corner club to serve him alcohol, though Steren couldn’t tell you why--sipped his drink. Maybe he’d pissed the king off, or perhaps he was worried Steren might drunkenly admit he was “Nerevar’s son” and the king wanted to avoid any rumors. Steren, if he was in Nerevar’s position, would also want to keep “illegitimate child from another world” a secret from the general public. Especially given he learned Nerevar and Voryn in his world couldn’t even have kids. That would be too weird to explain to the general public and would be best buried and never brought up again.

“I’m not sure what to say.” Steren replied, sipping his tea calmly.

“It’s just,” Vivienne looked away slightly, “Typically you’d expect someone to give a reaction when you say you are practicing the Mephalan arts with their parents.” Steren didn’t really know a whole lot about Mephala except that she was the anticipation of Vivec.

“I’m not very familiar with Mephala personally. Perhaps that’s why.” Wasn’t she the god of murder or something? It’s not like he cared if the hortator and his husband were teaching someone how to kill. It seemed pretty standard for dunmer culture.

“... She’s the god of sex, murder, and secrets.” Vivienne admitted. Ah, maybe he was hoping to get a reaction from Steren with that? If it was something that would weird out someone to hear with their ‘parents’, Vivienne must be referring to the sex part of that explanation.

“It’s hardly any of my business what you do with the Hortator and Hortator’s husband.” Steren wasn’t phased in the slightest. “And besides, they aren’t my parents, so it would be best if you avoided saying things like that about them publicly.” It was impossible to tell who might be listening in, after all. The corner club was mostly empty this time of day and they were tucked away in a secluded spot, but well… There could be eyes and ears everywhere. Last thing Steren needed was someone running through the streets tomorrow morning spreading half truths based on what they heard. He was busy trying to recover enough to get on a boat and leave this frozen island, after all.

An uncomfortable silence followed, Vivienne staring at him with at first confusion, and then something close to… Sadness? That didn’t make sense to Steren, but it was the closest emotion he could name.

“They are your parents.” Vivienne insisted, his voice softer, trying to take on a gentle tone like one would coax a child. But to Steren it was just nonsense; this wasn’t a little lie you could tell him and have him play pretend with.

“They aren’t.” Steren reiterated. “My parents are dead.” He sipped his tea again, not making a face despite how bitter and unpleasant it was. He made a mental note to just ask for water next time--it wasn’t poisoned, but it was nasty. The only reason he continued to drink it was because of how dry his throat was and how it kept his hands warm. “And it would be good to avoid saying things like that in case someone misunderstands.”

“They might be dead in your world but they’re alive here.” Vivienne insisted, though he did try to keep his voice level.

“They didn’t want me grow up.” Steren sighed. “They didn’t hold me as a baby. They didn’t name me. They don’t even know me, let alone love me.”

They might have the same names and faces, along with some mannerisms, but that didn’t make them the same. They were strangers, as simple as that. Steren didn’t hate them or resent them--in a way he pitied their position. If they threw him out, they might anger Azura, and also didn’t want to be so callous towards someone they were told was their flesh and blood. Steren could tell they were trying, in bits and pieces. They had healers attend to him, gave him a bed to sleep in… Much more hospitality than the people of Morrowind usually showed strangers. But at the same time he knew they didn’t know what to say or do around him, hovering around him awkwardly.

Perhaps, if given time, they could get to know each other. They could try and try to be close to one another and they could learn his mannerisms and history, to a degree. But Steren would rather avoid that; as sweet of an idea it might be, he knew he would begin to resent them. He’d resent that they didn’t know him well, couldn’t correct his memories, and didn’t have that shared history. He’d me more like an… Awkward younger brother than a son, at best. And trying in vain to replace his parents with imperfect copies would only break Steren more.

“They do love you...” Steren resisted the urge to snap at the other mer, his eyebrow twitching. Instead, he bit his tongue, taking a breath to steady himself.

“No,” He replied, keeping his voice level, “They don’t.” Vivienne opened his mouth to counter him, but Steren continued. “They think they’re supposed to love a child that they were told they supposedly had, but that doesn’t make it love. That makes it an obligation.” It was the truth; a truth just as bitter as the tea he was drinking. His adoptive family in his first lifetime thought they loved Steren because they were supposed to, because a god told them to love and care for him, but that didn’t make it love. Eventually they resented him. Eventually they questioned why he was important in the first place. Eventually, without even realizing it, they shoved him out of his place in that family and house.

“Azura dropped a new problem in their laps--a stranger they don’t know but were told they should care about.” It was, in a way, just a repeat of his first lifetime, except back then he was a young child who didn’t know any better and could barely remember his own father. Now he was an adult who could see just how unfair the circumstances were for everyone involved. Nerevar and Voryn never agreed to this, and Steren would have refused if he knew this would be Azura’s solution. “Do you think I wanted that? I wanted my parents. The ones who loved me.” The ones who chose to have him. The ones who struggled to keep him safe. “I wanted to be with my dad who spent thousands of years haunting my family line because he was afraid of leaving me alone. I wanted to be with my Ata who held me in his lap when he worked and named me so even if they couldn’t be open, my other father would always know I was his.”

Steren had so many things he wanted to ask them. So many memories he wanted them to share. His birth, his first birthday, the first time ata took him to meet his ancestors at the family hearth… He wanted to listen to his dad sing him the lullaby he always did when Steren was hurt and alone, trying in vain to stroke his hair and reassure him. They could finally be together again, after thousands of years apart, as a family. No more madness, no more heart, no barriers between ghosts and the living. He wanted to hug both of his parents, in earnest, and tell them both he loved them.

“... And instead I got... Strangers who lived different lives. Who could never have me even if they wanted to. Who never even thought about me until now, but are being asked to give me all the love and attention I wanted from my actual parents.” It was both cruel to Steren and cruel to them; how could this version of Nerevar and Voryn try to fill the gap his actual parents left behind? They couldn’t; it was asking too much of them to try. They had different stories and histories, different ways they lived their lives. You can’t just expect them to drop everything they’ve built for themselves and wedge a random fully grown dunmer in there as their ‘son’. Even if they did want a child, they should adopt one and love them from childhood instead, learn to bond with them and teach them in their own unique ways, rather than try in vain to live up to the standard of Steren’s without even knowing all they did.

“I wanted to make up for lost time with them. And now I'll probably never see them again--they'll be stuck in the afterlife wondering where I am. What I'm doing.” That was his biggest regret in all this; if Steren had just waited, had just asked for something like a relic or money, he could have waited it out. He could have spent a few years traveling, made peace with his death all over again, and then ended it all. And then he’d be in Moonshadow properly, or the land of his ancestors, being embraced by his dad just like Nerevar promised.

Instead, now Nerevar and Voryn would wonder for an eternity what happened to him and where he was. That welcoming embrace was never coming.

They will never be able to tell him they love him again.

“... I’m tired.” Steren quickly announced, getting up. Vivienne made a motion to stop him but he kept walking, partially limping. “I need to go lay down--sorry.” He apologized regardless, gingerly brushing off Vivienne’s hand.

It wasn’t Vivienne’s fault either. No doubt to him his mentors were loving and compassionate people, but they weren’t Steren’s parents. Azura can try to say she technically upheld her end of the bargain all she wants, but they can’t replace Steren’s Ata and Dad.

He took a deep breath in the cold air as he began his slow walk to the manor. He just had to hold out a little more. Just a bit more and he could get a boat and go somewhere else. Somewhere where he wouldn’t be reminded his parents were dead and he wouldn’t even meet them in the afterlife. Somewhere where no one knew the Nerevarine prophecy either, and he could disappear into a crowd. Somewhere he could start over and process his grief.

But for now he needed to hold it in. Lashing out did no good; none of these people were his allies, sure, but they also weren’t his enemies. Just people in the same shitty circumstances; people he didn’t want to be around and who also didn’t want to be around him. Lashing out would only make him enemies of very powerful people and cause him more problems anyways.

He just needed to keep his head down and wait.

#steren #steren nerevarine #vivi au #my writing #:(

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laughableillusions · 4 months

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this is your opportunity to tell me about akira and the entity (if u want). . . they sound cool as hell

OOUOIUOGIGUGH I DO WANT TO ANON!!!

Some drawings and a little mood/aesthetic board I made for him

(This gets pretty long I apologize I went overboard😭😭)

Akira Kutsuki is my primary Dead By Daylight Survivor OC! He’s shipped with my favorite killer The Oni (Kazan Yamaoka), I mostly use him in online roleplay with my friend bc they play a very good Oni. But I think he’s so developed at this point that he could easily slot into the game itself.

Physical description: a thin, 35 year old, 5’7 Japanese man with shaggy overgrown hair, stubble. Usually wearing a rumbled white dress shirt and tie with a sweater vest and slacks. He wears glasses with rectangle frames, he has scars on his wrists from an attempted suicide attempted (more on that later.)

Personality: he’s an ADHD Autism mess, but somehow does exceedingly well under pressure. Very passionate about things and is incredibly talkative. Has no rizz, negative rizz, no bitches. Makes the best of his situation to try and learn everything he can about the fog. Workaholic. He has cool English teacher vibes

Lore: he is the descendant of the landlord that The Oni held a grunge with, his family always went into politics or some kind of leadership positions but he broke the mold and went into archeology. After he graduated college he decided to do some genealogy on his family, and found the story of Kazan Yamaoka (as well as poetry about him and his story.)

Most of the landlords back in those days were corrupt, and Samauri were basically like cops, and they were crooked and did awful things (basically Kazan’s purge had some merit to it, not that he was in the right in any way.) Akira learns that his so called “grand ancestor” wasn’t actually so grand. He also uncovers all the shady things that his family has done over the years, he confronts them about it and they tell him to keep his mouth shut about it. Enraged that history will simply repeat himself, and that his family hasn’t answered for crimes committed even back in the days of “The Oni.” He desecrates the family temple, graffitiing the walls and destroying everything he can.

He gets arrested, and his family disowns him. Disgraced, and with nothing left for him- he goes to America.

There he goes back to school and becomes a professor. Though he keeps his interest in the Yamaoka line, in the village where Kazan was “killed” he can find no body or no artifacts. The people there say that he became an ogre since the body seemed to vanish. The lack of a body drives Akira up the wall, the only thing he finds is a section of rope that has traces of some sort of…ash that is impossible to place.

Akira then looks into other historical disappearances, finding that when archeologists dug up the scene- they too found traces of this strange ash-like mineral scattered around. He becomes interested in this, all these disappearances around the world- seemingly random…all of them having this same trace material. All of these scenes having to do with great pain or violence.

He begins to connect them, learning the names and history of these “killers.” He finds newspaper reports that talk about this strange “black fog” or “ash” that surrounded the area of the missing body or scene. A colleague of his finds the notes of a Scotsman by the name of Talbot Grimes.

Then, Rin Yamaoka is murdered. Akira hears about it from a friend in Japan, and he mentions that there was a cloud of ash surrounding the apartment. Akira books the first flight to Japan and actually breaks into the crime scene to get a sample. While he’s there he realizes that these people aren’t just vanishing…they’ve all been taken somewhere.

Things begin to spiral out of control when he gets back, he begins having nightmares about being caught in a giant spider web. He reads more of Grime’s notes, confirming his theory. Akira then realizes that Grimes himself had gone insane, and fell off the face of the earth. Akira realizes that he was taken as well.

The nightmares get worse, so he stops sleeping. He begins to hallucinate spindly arms reaching down to grab him. He hears voice telling him that he knows too much. He locks himself into his apartment and doesn’t open the windows. He destroys all his notes and research in the hope that it will stop whatever is happening to him.

The entity comes for him anyway, and he locks himself into the bathroom and slits his wrists in the bathtub, hoping that death will claim him before the entity does. It doesn’t of course, and he wakes up in the fog.

Wow that was incredibly long sndjsixjsncjsj whoops. Anyway that’s Akira. He meets the Oni and is both terrified but also nerding the fuck out the whole time. Kazan finds him adorable and kind of pathetic and they hook up sncjsixjbsbc

#dbd oc #dbd survivor #tw sui attempt #tw sui implied #dead by daylight #oc #original character #oc: akira kutsuki #my oc #ask #anon

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cbk1000 · 8 months

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hi there the book of merthur is one of my favorite fics and i have a question about it, i hope this is the right place to ask and you don't have a writing sideblog or anything?

I'm such a fan of The Mums from the book of merthur, but i'm curious what made you decide to keep Igraine alive? was it for any particular reason for a plot? spite against the BBC for fridging her before the story even started? Just bc you wanted to make A Mum and unleash her on the story with a cooking ladle and a lot of anger to get out? Not that I'm complaining, she and Hunith are a terrifying force to reckon with and a point of hilarity across the book. But i haven't read a lot of fics where Igraine lives, and even fewer where she has a major effect on the story as your Igraine does. definitely an underrepresented character with a ton of potential!

As soon as i started reading your fic (many months ago) i could tell you're knowledgeable in the Arthuriana, and as i've been making my own fic and doing research about the Arthuriana, I learned that the more popular spelling of her name is Igraine and not Ygraine (and let me tell you, it's been a bastard trying not to confuse the names Ygraine and Yvaine in my fic), and so i also wondered if you had any deeper Arthurian reason for choosing to spell her name Igraine instead of Ygraine or was it just easier on the writing/reading? (I personally repeatedly mistype BBC's Gwaine as Gawain cause that was the first spelling of his name i became familiar with, also an incredibly annoying mistake of mine.)

Thanks in advance for answering (though take your time doing so!) and i hope you're having a fantastic day!

This is my only blog, so this is the right place to ask! Also, thank you for asking; I rarely get questions about inspirations/thought processes and I love talking shop about writing. I'm going to put this under a cut because, surprise, someone who wrote a 600k+ fic is long-winded. lmao

It's been four years since I started the fic, and the pandemic has turned that into about 84, so I can't remember exactly what pushed me to keep Igraine alive, but the first chapter was inspired by a version of the folktale St. George and the Dragon (sometimes also called St. George of Merrie England) that I read shortly before deciding I wasn't done trying to purge myself of BBC Merlin. The image of an enchantress carrying babies away to a cave in the woods piqued my interest, and that segued into me deciding to make Arthur one of those babies. While there are loads of versions of Arthurian stories, most of them show Arthur's conception as happening through Igraine becoming pregnant by Uther after he uses magic to trick her into thinking he is her husband, which is real gross and rapey of him, so I think probably what sparked the initial idea to have Igraine live was that I wanted to play that out a bit and show the repercussions of it and how Arthur was an innocent who obviously was not at fault whatsoever for what happened--but he was still the product of rape and a part of Uther, a man Igraine despised. And of course you can't explore a mother/son relationship that complicated if the mother is dead.

Also, BBC Merlin is a total sausage fest and, quite frankly, I think the writing for all the women was TERRIBLE, so part of it was also just me wanting more women in the story who felt like actual complicated humans and not one-note villains or love interests. Hunith and Igraine are both middle-aged, and I liked the idea of giving them a bit of space and a voice in the type of story that's generally about dashing young people running around swinging swords and getting rescued from towers.

As for the spelling, if I remember correctly, in the first canon era fic I wrote, I did actually spell it as Ygraine, so I've used both spellings in my work. But honestly, I chose Igraine this time around because I knew it would come up a lot more and it's just easier for my English-speaking brain to remember. There are multiple, slightly tweaked versions of many of the characters, and spellings and even names change slightly depending upon the source (Morgana is a good example of this), so if a character is going to be a recurring one in any of my stories, I go with whatever is going to be easiest on my brain. (And yes, Gwaine/Gawaine is annoying; I think we've all made that mistake.) I have done a LOT of reading on various Arthurian texts, so usually there is a more specific reason for something and a particular source of inspiration, but in this case it's really just, 'There are eight million variations of spelling for this, I'm going with the one that's easiest to remember in a 600k story where I already have to keep track of a billion things.'

Also, I want you to know that the bookmark note you left on Book of Merthur referring to a 'wet sock of a gay person' made me laugh, and I still think about it randomly and laugh about it. lmao

#writing #fic #valentinerose529

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lemonhemlock · 1 year

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Am I the only who feels Fire and Blood and the entire Dance Eras does not mesh with the continuity of ASOIAF? Personally I think this era and what followed after really show how weak George is in World building especially World Building in regards to a historical setting.

George saying that Succession in the middle ages were murky and I was like? Succession was based on male promigenture and if it went outside of that...straight up war.

Also the houses that supported Rhaenyra during the war made no sense. I think it was a creative choice to give her allies outside the Arryns and the Velaryons because ain't no way in hell these traditional, very patriarchal houses are following her.

Eg. The Starks who had their own succession crisis a few years after the dance. Cregan was up in Winterfell playing Henry VIII trying to have sons. Sons who will eventually steal the rightful claim of his granddaughter.

And don't let me start on the Riverlands and the respawning machine that they have in the Riverrun 🥴. George did a D&D logic there for that one.

And let me not get into the Blackfyre Rebellion and why majority Green houses supported Daemon. It would have been an interesting pipeline if the Green supporters of supporting the legitimate heir to supporting the legitimate heir illegitimate descendant.

It would have been the perfect irony that fit into the ASOIAF world.

However this ask is getting long....just want to hear your thoughts on this because I love your metas!

Hi there, thank you for your kind comment. It's fun to ramble and get it out of my system, I'm glad you find it entertaining!

I have my issues with FB, but I wouldn't be so scathing in my criticism. Worldbuilding is hard AF, probably one of the hardest things for an author to do, and George has already created such a vast & varied world. Anyway, we're all here running our mouths bc we love this fictional world in the first place.

Fire and Blood is just that, though - Targaryen backstory. He's working BACKWARDS in time to flesh out the history of Westeros and he has to cram everything into the timeline he already established for himself in the main series. So he has 283 years of Targaryen rule to fit all his ideas in - no more, no less. He's gonna have to compromise on some stuff. These are not his main characters, he's not gonna put as much thought into them as his POVs.

That's why I suspect there are so many child brides, so many badass teenage warriors (lol), so many women dying off-page or disappearing from the narrative. He needs to make new people out of the old ones to advance the story, but he has to kill the mother, because then he can't explain why her children are so effed up or how they can get away with so much shit if their mum is still living with them in the Red Keep.

With the Dance, I think he started with the idea of rehashing The Anarchy and turning this into an opportunity to insert a really cool morally ambiguous sexy dark prince. But then he has to change the events to fit around his already-designated fave instead of allowing the story to grow organically and it kind of shows.

The problem with the Dance is that there are already endgames set in stone: he HAS to purge nearly all Targaryens quickly bc at this point they get too many and he HAS to kill all of the dragons no matter what (enter storming of the dragonpit and Syrax's death scene). Daenaerys HAS to be a candidate for the "first ruling queen of Westeros", so we can't have Queen Rhaenyra in the past. She has to fail somehow. Stannis tells us she is an usurper, so George doesn't give her a real claim, he makes Aegon her brother, which is ridiculous.

Daemon's death scene is probably set in stone as well structurally-speaking, bc it's very heavy metal & Daemon also benefits from a cool foil in Aemond. But to get there, he has to turn the war into the Looney Tunes - the military strategies don't make any goddamn sense, he pulls out entire armies out of his arse, Rhaenyra has illogical allies. When he realises he must have overpowered the blacks, he invents stupid excuses - oh, Cregan just has to wait for the harvest, guys, but he is totally coming, and the Lads army is a thing now, they're just late.

And within all of this, the Daemon favouritism stands out and feels undeserving - even though events seem to happen at random and via deus-ex-machina, somehow ALL of HIS children live through this chaotic mess and BOTH OF HIS sons inherit the throne.

As of the Blackfyre rebellions, I haven't yet had the opportunity or the time to study them in depth.

#dance of the dragons #fire and blood #asoiaf #ask #notbloodraven #lmao @ cregan playing at being henry viii tryna have sons 😭

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lightspren · 11 months

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also I’m realizing I use this in lieu of actual therapy so most of the time i’m bitching about horrible things so TIME FOR GOOD THINGS

I went out to lunch with a friend - who wasn’t my spouse lmao - for the first time in ages. It was great. will do again sometime.

on that note i made a FRIEND outside the internet. mind boggling. didn’t think i had the skills to do that anymore, thought they’d atrophied to nothing. (imagine lots more enthusiasm here I am trying to keep it toned down a little bit bc friend is Here. but also just imagine all the above that i said coming out of a megaphone in rainbow text and sparkle trails and you’ll have roughly the level of happy im at) (if you see this uh, hello friend! i’m very chill and normal!)

had a nice dinner with my in laws (which they also paid for so +1 to whole experience) and it went well. good for my spouse to get to see them too, since his mom is getting surgery soon on her hand which will limit travel, then I will be getting my surgery which will limit travel, and it’ll be like Sept before we could plan to get together again

my cats seem to be acting healthier and more normal the last couple of days. So even if the fleas are still Around I think they’re dwindling upstairs. 100% still planning on going thru with nuclear warfare aka exterminator, my sanity needs that. But the cats are happier already and when they’re consistently being normal it makes me less scared of them and more willing to interact since they’re probably not a mobile flea palace presently

found out i’ve net deductible and almost met out of pocket with my insurance, so the hysterectomy should only be like $600. which is still way more money than I have but it’s a manageable bill at least.

getting people trained for helping cover me when i’m out is going well. Both the ppl I’m training on halves of my jobs pick it up great. Which really says a lot about them because i SUCK at teaching LOL. Gonna spend the next few weeks reviewing the stuff i’ve already taught them, but i’m Less worried about the clinic going up in smoke while i’m out for a few weeks

my tomato plants are getting huge and i’m so excited. I think i’m gonna have a fuckton of tomatoes, which is what I wanted.

My asthma has been in a phase of largely controlled, which I’m grateful for bc being short of breath when just like. sitting. suuuuuuucks. so bad.

i am still thoroughly enjoying totk, it’s so much fun and makes me very happy.

i think, once we get this flea thing sorted out, I’ll be in a fairly good place. i was already doing some better the past couple days with the cats acting more normal, and with both of us having cleaned the house and not run into mutant swarms of evil flesh eating spider-bug-ants intent on my demise. just gotta get through next week, and hope his treatment can purge them soundly from the basement.

anyway. there’s the rambly positive updates. life goes on etcetc. hugs and kisses bye

#kit talks

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summertimeskinney · 1 year

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lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

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abyssmalice · 2 years

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(been thinking about smol tonitoni’s 1 yr of funsies in the abyss prior to being sent back and ive long concluded that she doesnt have a particularly strong “abyssal aura” -

she doesnt have any abyssal powers, and due to not being there in a couple of years, any “tainted” aura she might have had has already faded a fair bit. that said, she might still have this very vague, distant “feeling” of being abyssal due to having stayed there for over a year as a very young child so it’s like, a very small and near-indistinct but still niggling sort of thing that’s attached to her very lowkey

but the main reason she doesnt have such a strong abyssal influence on her is due to the irminsul in her - it naturally opposes the corruptive aspect of the abyss, and therefore will purge any corruption from her system at a certain point and otherwise preventing anything abyssal from corrupting her in the first place. that said she’s not 100% irminsul either, so this protection is similarly not perfect - the abyss can still taint her, and the purification process is only so quick and potent after a point.

—which brings me to the real heart of the matter: tonitoni’s maddening affinity for chaos.

it’s lowkey implied in canon that childe’s trails of devastation are in part influenced by the abyss and its corruptive aspect. with my own hc for tonitoni, this essentially means that tonia’s penchant for constant mischief and mayhem................ is entirely on her. no abyss nonsense. she is genuinely 100000% wholeheartedly just causing nonsense bc she wants to, period.

this also works well with how tonia Does sometimes get tired of her own nonsense and will occasionally stop. if abyssal influences had been driving her on this matter, i feel like she would never actually stop ever and would derive a lot of energy out of it - but that’s not the case for tonitoni, since as much as she likes watching things go to hell, there’s a part of her that honestly doesn’t enjoy how much she inconveniences people through these acts.

she only keeps going bc this is part of her ridiculous master plan to get kicked out of the fatui - otherwise she wouldn’t be doing any of it. she desires peace and quiet and stillness, deep down; any abyssal hold over her would not cause her to have such a desire, i feel.)

#headcanons | (without love it cannot be seen);

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andshesback · 6 months

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crohns disease?

doc thinks i might have crohns :( he said if my symptoms remain the same for the next couple weeks I gotta go to the hospital. i REALLY need to quit purging NOW. i don't want to face the nurses and doctors and admit to bulimia bc I feel they'll be like "well yeah obviously you're gonna get GI issues from that you fat moron"

what did i do on my way home from the doctor's appointment? buy food to b/p... I'm so fucking stupid its insane but getting these bad news led me to my only coping mechanism, b/p, which is probably what made me sick in the first place

-GREETINGS FROM A VERY SILLY AND MORBIDLY OBESE PUKER AND SHITTER

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djservo · 1 year

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[...] I have zero ideia how money works in the US, but it sounds cheaper than paying a power AND water bill value in a Kindle which is the case where I live ― but it would save me a lot of space bc the place where I keep my books is getting full. Guess I'll finally have to get rid of Dan Brown (Deception Point was such a disappointment!! Dan's characters are there only to serve to the enigmas and such and nothing else, b4 it wouldn't bother me, but nowadays it does; AND IT DID, especially when he inserts a brief story about their past with the porpose of using it to cheap drama ― and I could go on and on) 🫠 There's so much I want to read since I got back into reading last year (especially try to read in english to get better!!), but I've been having so many migraines the last couple of months it's almost impossible to concentrate 🧘‍♀️ But out of the 20 I read in 2022, I can mention A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (and I feel a bit embarrassed bc Alex does SO MUCH shit but he's such a intriguing character 🤷‍♀️), Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (planning on rereading!!) and Nocturnal by Scott Sigler, as the ones that got stuck in my head the most. I would recommend Nocturnal to anyone without giving any context even tho I think most wouldn’t get as excited as I did 🧍‍♀️ I'm trying to get into Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh bc it was the last one I bought alongside Essex County by Jeff Lemire (made me cwy 🥺🧎🏻‍♀️) but I'm not in the right mindset to deal with Renton, Sick Boy & Company!! But I LOVE that movie so much, and books usually tend to show more. But well, we'll see 🙆‍♀️🧏‍♀️ [...]

part 2 of this lovely novella 💌

Well DAMN a kindle isnt That worth it then scratch everything !! 😮‍💨❌ ugh but yes I feel you about saving space — I have very little restraint when I see a good deal for a book I've been wanting to read or really when it comes to secondhand shopping in general - I'm like, it's secondhand so it's fine!! But No!! I literally do Not have the space for more things!!! I did what I THOUGHT was a big purge of my bookshelf a couple weeks ago but I Still have to stack books on the floor bc I can't fit everything on the shelf... like truly two towering piles 🤦‍♀️ Maybe I'll try not buying any books at all this year, or only buy if I get rid of the same amount I already own ykwim 🤨 I haven't read any Dan Brown but I feel like I always see someone reading him at airports so maybe for my next long trip I'll try one of his 😶‍🌫️ (but not Deception Point, got it 👍) I would've assumed English was your first language, you speak (type?) it so eloquently! I've been doing duolingo since the pandemic but even with my 800+ day streak (yes really) I feel like I've absorbed nothing substantial, certainly not enough to feel comfortable conversationally which is disappointing! I always say I wanna take a language class but this year for real... I'm trying to get on UR level, reading books in other languages n shit! 😤💪 also bc I've been thinking so much about the act of translation and how much can get lost/changed, so I think it'd be a really interesting experience to read a book in it's original language + its translation to compare meanings and whatnot 💭

Oooh I loved A Clockwork Orange when I read it!! I still haven't gotten around to seeing the film, but I remember when I was a kid I'd look up clips on youtube to scar myself bc I thought it was all so freaky and bizarre LOL I read Brave New World in high school when I was like strictly in a David Sedaris phase (oh so smart and sophisticated of me 🙄) so I don't think I really cared for it at the time which is ANNOYING! it'd be cool to reread books I was assigned in school now with more Refined skills of interpretation/concentration — particularly Jane Eyre which I stupidly left until the very last possible second to read and we had this big in-class essay coming up so I crammed the entire 500+ pages in one day and it was such an agonizing yet amazing feat 🫡 and I remember I did actually like it despite the cramming, but I think I'd appreciate/take even more from it if I were to read it now and take my proper time with it 🧘‍♀️ ANYWAY. Will definitely check out Nocturnal at some point this year and will Not read Anything about it!! I love going into things like that - I'm trying to stop reading letterboxd reviews before I watch movies this year too bc I have such a bad habit of it 🤦‍♀️ I try not to read reviews of books either bc I don't want ppl's opinions inadvertently shaping mine while I read, but sometimes I just want to make sure a 3+ hour long movie is worth my time ykwim?? But that's all subjective yada yada fuck it, we ball and go into things blind this year!! 🤾‍♀️ I've been meaning to read Trainspotting too! Coincidentally I always kind of lumped it with A Clockwork Orange + Fight Club with the sort of societal commentary/offbeat characters on the outskirts of society thing. Maybe I'll read both Trainspotting and Fight Club at the same time, watch the film adaptations for them (and A Clockwork Orange finally), then transform overnight into a fake deep edgelord dudebro 🃏

#asks #💅 anon

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justtogetthrough · 1 year

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I'm trying to slowly unpack boxes to make my new place not a disaster, but so much has to go to storage I'm not really making much progress as the unit doesn't become available til Dec 4th thus I can't do anything with the giant things that are in my way.

But this does mean that my cats, who have been used to climbing and sleeping on top of a mountain of boxes for 2 weeks, are now being unpleasantly surprised by jumping onto things they immediately fall into and once or twice a day lately I hear the telltale sounds of a mistaken and potentially painful fall into an open/weakened box after weeks of gentle compression that separates the tape from the box flaps.

The first time it happened my cat got straight up absorbed by a box full of curtain rods whose top was folded 4 ways rather than taped so it just... twisted open to eat him then twisted shut again like nothing happened except he was YOWLING from the terror of what just happened and spent 24 hours glued to my face like he was so happy to he alive.

I take it the cats are getting used to falling into boxes now because I hear the sound of the flaps sliding, the items banging around, and the scrambling back out and not so much a meow of contempt anymore.

To be fair, I haven't built them their cat tree yet. I usually set one up right away for them when we move but my life has been such a disaster that I haven't and so it's my fault they've had to substitute the stacks of boxes for climbing and sleeping.

I need the fucking storage unit so I can make space to build them their tree.

Unpacking is a nightmare. The boxes from my house all fit in the apartment bc I purged so much stuff but it's nice to have them stored in boxes. I don't have that much stuff anymore I guess but I just have nowhere to put them once they come out of boxes because with sloped ceilings, 3 couches I need to keep, plus a kitchen table, I have significantly less storage. I may have to ask them to remove the kitchen table even though I'd love to have one. I will re-evaluate when the storage stuff gets removed though. Maybe they'll indulge me and get a 4 seater table rather than 6. They do want me to live here long term. I have many requests though so I'm trying to pace them and not be a burden 😖

I still don't know where to setup my office. The only place that makes sense is where the 3 couches are right now (due to heat sources) but where the couches need to be moved to set up my office is where the storage stuff and boxes are so I'm at a fucking stale mate and I'm going insane.

I wish I had friends I could ask for help. I wish the friends I did have didn't all live hours away from me. I need to make friends here but social skills are my worst domain of skills and I am so SO bad at it that I have little hope of succeeding and it just makes me stay home and isolate and be miserable about being alone. Nothing about my life lends itself to getting to know people without alienating them right off the bat and it's a really big problem for me.

So. Idk. I'm just... in a new place, in crisis, stressed that my cats are stressed, having a massive flare up of mental illness symptoms, got a fresh IUD yesterday so beginning another hormonal rollercoaster, and I 100% wish I was dead and am full of so much self loathing I am ashamed to exist at all.

Getting out of bed to do anything is hard and I wish I was capable of having multiple close relationships that weren't plagued and poisoned by crippling fear of abandonment.

#personal #complaining

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septembersummer · 2 years

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CAN I GOT SOME TOJI SMUT I WANT HIM TO DICK ME LIKE HOW HE CARRIES THAT WORM ON HIS SHOULDERS

oh toji smut? don't mind if i dooo

!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!

wc: 4k-ish

cw: smut, breeding kink, size kink, choking, gagging, rough s*x, creampie, some angst, impregnation (bc it's toji lmao), daddy as a nickname, predator/prey dynamics, biting, marking, maybe slightly dub/con, wax play

A/N's: this is based off of It Will Come Back by Hozier (god tier song), so the lyrics are posted throughout tehe. Why does it remind me of Toji? No clue, but have fun be safe out there

crossposted on Ao3 pls go check it out there hehe

accepting requests <3

You know better, babe. You know better, babe.

You’re cooking dinner. You’d normally make something simple, something small, but you’re getting a feeling that your visitor will be back tonight. It’s still a mystery to you how you always manage to get this gut feeling when he’s going to show up again, as sporadic as it might be when he does. He’s a drifter at heart—he won’t stick around in one place for long. .

Swaying in the kitchen, humming along to some slow, bluesy song you’ve been listening to lately, making something fit for two, you know that you need to send him away this time. It’s not good for either of you, this strange relationship that you’ve developed over the past few months. He’s inconsistent, confusing, doesn’t stick around for more than a night.

Gone before sunrise, and you’re alone with the emptiness that he leaves inside you once again. Always.

While you know that you need to send him away this time, you also know that you probably won’t.

He warned you the first time that you met, didn’t he?

The mountainous man with jet-black hair framing devious, emerald eyes. The scar that extends from his chin above his upper lip, the smile he gives that curves it and makes him look even more devious.

“Honey, don’t be kind to me. You’ll never get rid of me like that.”

You were kind to him, and he was right, you shouldn’t have been. You’ve got the soul of someone that likes to take in strays.

You’re kind, careful, patient, even with men as terrible as Toji, which is the reason that he shows up at your doorstep every few weeks like this, expecting love, care, compassion.

It’s the reason that you give him love, care, and compassion, even when you know that the relationship is parasitic at best.

You know better, babe. You know better, babe, than to talk to it, talk to it like that.

There’s a storm coming somewhere in the distance. The thunder rumbles, as you’re sipping some tea.

You’re a tea kind of person, coffee’s too strong. The kind of person that doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t laugh too loud, or seek attention in a crowd.

You’ve only one vice, and he’s as tall, as strong as a mountain, does unsavory things during the daytime that you don’t dare ask about when he finds his way into your home at night.

One vice, and it’s about the time of month that he’s going to appear, like the dark, roiling clouds in the distance.

There’s a knock at the door, only one, and you take a heaving sigh, a shaking sip of your tea, before gracefully stepping over to open it.

Don’t let it in with no intention to keep it. Jesus Christ, don’t be kind to it. Honey, don’t feed it— it will come back.

The rain has come, and so has he, and tonight is the last time that you’ll let him in. You can’t let him in anymore. One vice, and you’re going to purge it from your system, beckon it not to pester your thoughts any longer.

“Hey, honey,” he says, and his voice slips down your spine like molasses, low and smooth.

And you’ve got a soul that likes to take in strays, so something tugs at your heartstrings when you see that he’s a little wet from the rain, that there appears to be some blood on his shirt.

A little more disheveled as usual, just as devious as usual. You need to send him away now, before he’s gotten his hooks beneath your skin again, but you can’t, and you won’t.

“It’s about that time of month again, hm?” You ask, turning your back to him. Coy, aloof, you’re trying your best to seem uninterested.

He’ll only run again as soon as he’s through with you. He always does, he always will.

He chuckles warmly, following you into your home. It’s cozy here—warm, comfortable, with candles all around that you burn throughout the daytime and long into the night when he arrives.

Everything smells like cinnamon and warmth, and Toji smells like cigarettes and blood. Maybe it’s the reason that he likes to gift himself with your presence ever so often.

He watches the sway of your hips, as you walk into the kitchen, where there’s dinner made for the both of you.

It’s tradition at this point that despite your best interests, you’ll show him love, care, compassion.

He looks at you like a prime cut of meat, and you look at him like a broken creature that you want to mend. A broken creature that won’t ever let you finish the job. He’ll leave before sunrise, still broken, but a little better off than when he arrived.

Don’t give it a hand, offer it a soul. Honey, make this easy.

“I missed you,” he murmurs, taking some of the food that you’ve made for him. His cunning, emerald eyes meet your warm, doe eyes, and you know that you’ve let a predator into your home once again.

It’s the last time.

“Really?” You reply, disbelievingly, “c’mon, we aren’t animals. Let’s eat sitting down, Toji.”

“Thought you liked it standing up.”

He gives you a mischievous grin, and your cheeks want to flush, but you’re tired of the cat and mouse game that you’ve been playing with him for these months, so you just give him a baseless glare, and head off towards your kitchen table.

He does follow, because he’s well trained to mind himself when he’s here, even though you’re sure he knows he doesn’t have to.

He could be the animal that he normally is, rude and off-putting to you, and you’d still invite him back into your warmth next month, so long as he looked a little tired when he arrived.

He sits across from you, staring at you more than he should. His emerald eyes take in your form, as soft and curvy as he remembers you.

You’re the warmth of a hearth on the coldest day of winter, and he’s nothing more than a bum who dares to sit before you as often as he can. So, he eats your food, he eyes you, and knows that there’s something wrong with you tonight.

Honey, don’t feed it. It will come back.

“I can’t see you anymore, Toji,” you say, staring away from him at a little candle that burns in the center of your meager dining table.

You like to keep most of the lights off in your home. Letting warm, ambient lighting in exclusively. You stare into the flame, swearing that it flickers harder when the mountainous, scarred man before you raises an eyebrow in your direction.

“Thought I warned ya,” he says, brushing it aside as he finishes, “let me in once, I’ll always come back.”

He licks his lips once in your direction, and you take a sip of your tea. Always tea, never coffee. You don’t like harsh things, don’t like facing harsh realities.

“I won’t let you anymore,” you say, sitting tall in your rickety chair, and thunder rumbles in the distance, drawing closer with every breath you take.

Toji’s eyes grow thinner, as his smirk widens, “I’m afraid I won’t give you a choice.”

“I don’t doubt that,” you reply.

The room feels smaller than it did before now that he’s entered it. He takes up so much space in the room, so much space in your mind. It’s all unhealthy, harsh, bitter.

“What? You don’t like me anymore?” He asks, leaning forward in your direction.

He can nearly touch you, even from across the table. He takes up so much space here—it’s already small enough.

You give him a downcast look, “I like you plenty, Toji. I just know you won’t stick around, and I’m tired of waiting on you.”

With those words, you stand, wanting to escape his gaze before you lose the nerve. It’s raining outside now—a torrential downpour that’ll last all night at this rate.

You pick up your plate, and then his, as his fingers wrap around your wrist, forcing your gaze to meet his again, try as you might to avoid it.

“Why d’you keep letting me in?” He asks, and he seems genuine for once.

You give him a small, sad smile, “I’ve got a bleeding heart for wounded animals, and there’s no animal as wounded as you, babe.”

You know better, babe. You know better, babe, than to smile at me, smile at me like that.

He chuckles softly, before releasing your delicate wrist. He’s always careful with you, sees and appreciates how breakable you are. Fragile and warm, gentle and kind, it’s everything that he loves about you.

And if there was a woman that Toji could love now, it’d be you.

He follows you into your kitchen. It’s cramped, filled with your things, and you like it that way. You like cozy, comfortable.

You’ve only got one vice, and he’s wrapping his big arms around your waist as you wash dishes. He’s kissing your shoulder, and then your neck, slowly, easily, fluidly.

“What’d I just tell you?” You chastise him weakly, but he doesn’t let go of you.

“Somethin’ I’m not gonna listen to,” he answers easily, kissing your neck again.

You know better, babe, than to hold me just, hold me just like that.

I know who I am when I’m alone.

I’m somethin’ else when I see you.

“I’m not sleeping with you again,” you murmur, and Toji would certainly disagree based on the goosebumps that he can see prickling at the back of your neck, spreading across your shoulders.

His hand snakes underneath your shirt. His fingers are rough and calloused against the silky planes of your stomach. The pads of his fingers skim over your ribs, like he wants to count each of them.

“Stop that,” you huff, wriggling out of his grasp. You’re finished washing up now, so you turn to move past him, only for Toji to impetuously block your way.

It’s hard to meet his gaze when it’s downcast in your direction that way. Emerald eyes, devilish more than they’ve ever been kind, framed by beautiful, raven lashes. Scarred and mangled, he’s the most beautiful man you’ve ever known.

It certainly isn’t pity that you feel for Toji, the gnarled creature that he is, it’s the purest expression of love that you can manage.

Care, a will to try and care for him, even though you’re certain that you’ll never get through to him in any way that counts.

And he’s growing impatient, irritated with you tonight, because you’re Toji’s oasis. You and your warmth and your swaying hips are the reason that he keeps going, killing.

He’s moving through life, always in one, singular direction. His compass points to home, it points to you, and you’re trying to throw him out tonight.

You don’t understand. You should never know how easy you are to need.

Toji doesn’t know how other people express their emotions, but his tend to come out in one way, and one way only.

He braces a big hand on either side of your much smaller frame on your kitchen counter, leaning over you threateningly. The lights flicker, thunder rumbles, and for the first time since you’ve known the monster that graces your doorway every month, you feel slightly, slightly afraid of him.

“I’m serious,” you murmur up at him, and all he can think about is how pretty your doe eyes look when they’re staring up at him like that through your eyelashes.

“No, you’re not,” he replies, never breaking his glare, “you love me.”

“I don’t.”

Thunder rumbles, lightning strikes somewhere nearby, the lights flicker again. God’s angry at you, angry at you for lying through your teeth. And the house has always been small, but it’s smaller than ever.

Your breaths mingle with Toji’s, he’s leaned down too closely, he’s so much larger than you, hardly fits in a place like this.

Hardly fits inside you, but he knows that he’ll make it fit, just like he always does.

Because Toji doesn’t know how to express his emotions, and you’re giving him some fucking bad ones tonight.

His eyes scan your face over and over, flickering between your plush lips and wide eyes, drinking in your expression, scared as it might be.

“It’s alright,” he coos, but you sense that it’s disingenuous, “I’ll take care of ya.”

“What—”

“Cause I love you, too.”

Don’t let me in with no intention to keep me. Jesus Christ —don’t be kind to me.

Honey, don’t feed me, I will come back.

He’s lifting you up, and you’re wrapping your legs around his hips with a squeak of protest.

You weigh nothing to Toji, light as a feather, his muscles hardly flex when he grabs you, and you’re draping your arms over his shoulders. You sit back on his forearms, glaring at him.

“Put me down— Toji! I’m serious—” you try to sound demanding, but you’re stepping through the bedroom doorway before you get the chance.

There’s a devious, devilish smirk on Toji’s scarred lips, and his cock’s already starting to ache against his thigh.

He needs somewhere to bury it, somewhere to plant his seed and keep it there, watch it grow into something new.

There’s something about Toji—his feelings are a mystery to everyone, not barring himself. But there’s one thing that he feels, he always feels it, even when he shouldn’t.

It’s primal, urgent, always calling his name, and you’re here tonight—the subject of his one and only real feeling.

He’s going to breed you. Tonight, just like this.

Your back hits the softness of your mattress, as you stare up at him in the low, warm lighting. He looks larger than ever, more intimidating than ever, and you were a goddamned fool to think that this would ever pan out in any other way.

He takes what he wants from you, and he wouldn’t keep showing up here if he didn’t want you.

More than a want, he needs you.

It can’t be unlearned—I’ve known the warmth of your doorways.

Through the cold, I’ll find my way back to you.

Right now he needs your clothes off, and thunder rumbles again—right on top of you. It’s above your house, above your head, inside the room with you. The storm is raging inside of you and all around you, and you’re as damned as ever when you sit up on your knees, letting him slide your silk, night dress over your head.

You’re naked, bared to him and god above, prepared for what comes next, and he’s just glaring, albeit salaciously.

A terrified squeak erupts from you as his hand clasps around your throat suddenly, forcing your chin up to look at him.

“Tell me you love me back,” he demands, cold and cruel.

You’ve never seen him like this before—he’s given you all the softness left in him over the past few months. You’ve drained him dry, and now you’re getting him in his actuality.

Lightning strikes, the lights flicker for longer than ever.

“I love you,” you tell him, and it’s the truth.

Tears threaten to well and spill down your cheeks, but he wipes them away with a calloused thumb before they get the chance to betray your absolute honesty.

Lightning strikes, and Toji kisses you.

You feel the scar on his lip, as he crawls overtop of you, too large for such a bed as this. A sigh of relief escapes your lips, as he slots himself between your parted legs, skimming a hand down the smoothness of your thigh, dipping lower and lower until he feels the wetness between your thighs.

How could you ever throw him out?

You couldn’t, not when he bites down on the side of your neck and plunges two fingers into the slippery wetness of your cunt, and he pumps them in the way that makes your toes curl, legs shake and quiver.

“Should’a never let me in here,” he chuckles maliciously against the side of your throat, lifting himself up so that you can watch his thick, rough fingers disappearing in and out of your pussy.

“You'll never get rid of me now, honey. Never,” he bites your chest, leaving a mark, “ever,” he bites the side of your breast, another bruise, “ever.”

The storm has filled the room around you, and the lights go out entirely, leaving you with nothing but candlelight to illuminate the rough planes of his face, the emerald tinged hurricane beneath his dark lashes. Your toes curl, fingernails dig into his back, and you’re gushing around his fingers whether you protest it or not.

“That’s it,” he purrs, marking your other tit with a circle that matches his sharp teeth, “cum for me— fuckin’ cum on daddy’s fingers.”

Daddy. He’s never called himself that before, and it startles you in the throes of your orgasm, but you’re too weightless, boneless from the sparks of electricity igniting your skin to stop him—there’s no stopping him anyway. He’s an immovable object, a boulder in your path that you’ll never push past.

And he’s grabbing a candle off your bedside table, as you’re sated, staring up at him with parted lips and panting breaths, cheeks hot and flushed.

“You scared?” He asks, and he knows the answer, as he tips the little candle over, letting some of the hot wax drip onto your bare stomach.

It’s hot, and you hiss, starting to move away from him before his hand meets your shoulder, pressing you down into the mattress while you get used to the molten hot, unfamiliar feeling that he’s giving you.

One less candle, and it’s getting darker in here. Now you can see his glowing gaze more so than anything else.

But you can’t focus on your lack of sight—your mind is preoccupied with the feeling of hot wax dripping onto you, a perfect line from between your hips, extending all the way to the center of your rib cage.

Between your breasts, over your right one, then your left. The wax hits your sensitive, hard nipple, and you gasp—an attempt to writhe away from the sensation, but you don’t want it to stop.

There are goosebumps covering your skin all over, but you’re far from cold.

“Gonna paint ya,” he chuckles darkly, watching the red wax drip across your soft skin, “before I breed ya.”

“What—” you hiss, but he’s taking another, and he’s covering the wax on your nipples again, and you’re moaning confusedly at the temperature change on your skin.

Every drip, drop, drip of wax onto your body tingles, burns a bit, but then it feels good. And you’re wet, and you want to cum again.

Two candles out, thunder crashes closely, and it’s almost entirely dark as Toji ducks his head down between your thighs. He’s kissing your pussy, but you can’t feel the scar on his lip anymore.

Your arching, as still-hot wax drips off your body onto the sheets, ruining and staining them. You don’t care—you don’t care about anything other than the messy, wet kisses he’s giving your sex. Teasing you while you’re still sensitive, before he starts the rhythm against your clit that he knows makes you cum hard.

Your fingers find his hair, even in the darkness, and he really does love you. You can tell every time he comes back here and remembers just how to make you cum just right.

“Toji—Toji— Toji,” you cry out his name into the darkness like a prayer, listening to the rain and the sound of his rough groans against your sex.

Another candle blows out, and the storm rages like it’s going to take the walls down with it. You wouldn’t care—your orgasm is ripping through your body like it’s going to tear you in half.

Toes curl, fingernails dig into his scalp, Toji moans against your clit, and your spine arches as you cry out his name, letting the storm envelop you in pure lightning.

He rides you through it, cooing against your pussy like he loves it, before slipping up between your thighs. He’s shirtless, he’s naked, he’s pressing his hard, uncovered cock against your entrance, and you’re lost in the sensation of absolutely nothing but heat.

You’re on fire, and you want to burn.

Hot wax covers your body, and he covers your body, and the weight of his cock is slipping through your entrance, though it’s a fucking stretch.

“That’s it,” he growls against your lips, “take it— take daddy’s fuckin’ cock.”

“C-Condom— Toji—“ you manage to squeak out, but it’s useless, absolutely futile on a night like this.

You can’t see it in the darkness, but the smile he gives you is pure, undiluted evil. No, he’s waited plenty long enough to do this with you.

He’s fought his own primal, instinctual urges every other time he’s fucked you, but there’s a storm tonight outside, another inside him, and he’s going to fuck a baby into your cunt.

He pushes further, and you’re trying to suck him in—the girth and length of him is always, always too much for your pussy. In every sense of the word, Toji is mountainous.

“Not tonight, honey,” he comforts you, brushing your hair away from your face, “not tonight—hnng—I’m fuckin’ a baby into you. Wouldn’t ya like that?”

Your wide eyes meet his narrowed ones, and you’re sure that this man is a creature entirely separate from the one you’ve had every other month. Tonight, he’s in his true form, he’s the fucking monster that he’s pretended not to be every other time he’s been graced with your soft, smooth presence.

“Yes,” you hiss, rocked by the movement of his hips, as he makes it halfway, staring down at your face like he’s struggling not to lost what’s left of his control and brutalize you. He twitches inside you at your yes, and there’s no more holding back for him.

Not if you—

“Want—Want you to fuck a baby into me—” you moan out, lost in pleasure, in your own storm.

It’s not so different than Toji’s.

And Toji almost fucking cums inside you right there, stilling entirely as he bottoms out. He takes a shallow, shaking breath, before cementing a hand to the top of your wooden headboard so that he doesn’t hurt you.

He wants to hurt you, and he wants to breed you, mark you as his own so that every other fucking man that looks at you knows exactly who you belong to.

Oh, please, give me mercy no more.

It’s a kindness you can’t afford.

He’s going to do it, and you’re going to let him. He moves inside you brutally, rocking the bed with every slam of his hips against yours.

You’re crying out to him, to God, tears streaming down your face, as you’re well aware that Toji’s fucking ruining your pussy. The hot wax on your chest is transferring over to his, and the heat of your combined bodies moving keeps it from ever drying fully.

It’s hot and frenzied, you’re moaning perfectly beneath him. His hands find their way to the backs of your knees, slamming them down against the mattress as he puts you into the mating press that you’re meant to be in when you’re bred by a beast like him.

“You’re gonna make me a fuckin’ daddy,” he growls to you between thrusts, voice lower and huskier and more strained than you’ve ever heard it before.

“You’re gonna take every fuckin’ drop I give you—all fuckin’ night—gonna’ let me get you pregnant, fill you up with my fuckin’ kids and then raise ‘em for me, aren’t you?”

The headboard slams against the wall behind you, and you cry from pleasure alone. The lights aren’t coming back on, and you want to be lost in the darkness of him, with him.

Thunder rolls and crashes—you’re sure the sky is going to open up at any second and swallow you whole—that lightning will come through the roof and strike you both dead.

God’s angry with you. He’s angry that you’re doing precisely what you were always meant to do.

“Yes, yes, yes,” you scream out, as he bites down on your throat again.

His sweat mingles with yours, and your hips ache from the severe angle that he’s fucking you in, but you know that he’s more a beast than a man right now, that any resistance against him would only prove fatal for you, so you stay like that. With your legs hiked up over his shoulders, as you claw into him, into anything you can use to hang on for dear life.

He’s going to give you life, and you’re going to let him.

“If it doesn’t take,” he bites you again between his words, “I’ll just be back to fill your cunt up—again,” he punctuates his words with hard thrusts, “again,” another, “and again.”

He shoves his rough fingers into your mouth, gripping your tongue with them while you whimper uselessly and cum involuntarily around his thick cock. You can’t see anything at all except for his eyes, but you know that he can see you.

Any predator can see better in the dark than its prey.

I warn you, baby, each night as sure as you’re born.

You’ll hear me howling outside your door.

You’re convulsing, sucking his fingers until you gag, and he slips them from between your lips. He replaces them with his lips, scarred as they are, as you run your feeble hands up and down his chest.

You feel the scars, the dips and valleys that wouldn’t be there if he were a normal man, and you want his babies to come out just as gnarled as he is.

You want to give him strong fucking babies, so you clench your cunt around his cock as tight as you can. He groans at feeling of you tightening just for him, fucking faster, harder , faster. The headboard might break, your bed might break, and you don’t fucking care.

You want Toji to fuck you full of his babies, and you don’t care about anything else. He moans against the shell of your ear, melding his body so tightly with yours that you aren’t sure where you begin and end, which parts of you are your own, and which are his.

Don’t you hear me howling babe?

“Cum in me—” you’re begging him, locking your legs as tightly as you can, “cum in me— please, Toji—please—”

The sound that he emits is much more a growl than a moan, much more beast than man, as his nails claw into the plump skin of your thighs and draw blood.

“You want my fuckin’ babies—yeah, ya’ fuckin’ do,” he holds you entirely still, planting you to the mattress as he groans and cums inside your cunt, as deep as he can possibly bury himself inside you, “fuckin’ take it— fuckin’ take ‘em— fuck.”

Don’t you hear me howling, babe?

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