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holdmeclosertinytaron · 2 years

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397 Days

A/N: This piece stemmed from an ask I got wayyyy back last year (sorry anon for the time it's taken to get to this!!). "Idea/ request : maybe Taron gets jealous? Any circumstance but ideas for circumstances : at a party, pub, at the gym." I did go a little off track with it but I always do lmao. Word Count: 7,694 Warnings: Explicit language, mentions of alcohol consumption, mental health, smut, mentions of cheating, jealous partners, public arguing

'Taron, would you quit following me already?' You seethed through gritted teeth, hands balling into fists at a failing attempt of channelling the anger running through you. You were far too tired to put up with his shit and you swung the garden gate open hoping that it would swing back and catch him on the shins. It didn’t.

Tired was an understatement. After an insanely long week at work with your creepy colleague asking daily for a date even though you didn’t like him in the slightest, the last thing you needed was your ex boyfriend at your doorstep after following you home from the bar where you had been on a date with said creepy colleague.

‘He’s a sleaze, Y/N. You do know that, right?’

You did know that. But if going on a date with him would finally get him off your back then you were willing to go out with him for one date. The conversation on the date hadn’t been as awful as you first thought they would be.

You turned to Taron, cocking your head to the right the tiniest amount. ‘And what does that matter to you? I’m not your problem anymore…remember?’

‘Y/N-’

‘No, Taron,’ you interjected before he could say what you were thinking. You were already exasperated by the thought of getting into an argument with him. You were too tired and far, far too emotionally unstable for it. ‘You don’t get to tell me what you think about the people that I hang out with. Not anymore. You lost the ability for that when you made the decision to leave me. And I'm finally moving on and finally starting to feel like me again. Like the person I was before I met you.’

Taron had followed you into your garden, not bothering to close the gate behind him. Not that you were all that surprised. He never shut the gate even when you were still together. He stood a few feet away from you. Close enough to you that he could smell the intoxicating scent of your perfume but far enough away that he couldn’t touch you if he held his arms out. You were thankful for the latter, already unnerved by his spontaneous presence.

‘And you’re doing that by hanging out with sleazy guys who only want you for sex? For nothing but a meaningless fuck before they leave the house when you’re still asleep? That’s how you’ve chosen to move on?’

You scoffed loudly. ‘Who’s to say that I didn’t only want him for sex? That I wasn’t going to have a meaningless fuck and then leave him at something past two in the morning to come home and never call him again? And who’s to say that he only wanted me for sex anyway? He’s not you, Taron. He actually cares about me and my feelings.’

Taron didn’t need to know that Tim from the marketing department very clearly did only want you for sex, or that the entire time you were with him, you were picturing yourself with Taron, snuggled on the soft bench and laughing about something random. It wasn’t his place to tell you what he thought about any guy that was in your life. Whether or not he was completely right.

His shoulders sank as he sighed.‘That’s not fair.’

‘Oh you think I’m being unfair?’ You asked, pointedly. ‘Let’s talk about what’s not fair then, shall we?’

You stepped closer to Taron with your eyebrows raised slightly as if to say, oh you have no idea. ‘You broke up with me for an assistant you’d met at work on this very doorstep-’ you threw your arm back to show him exactly which step it was that he’d left you on, the shadow of his former self staring back at you, ‘-in the middle of the night, after you’d slept with me one last time for good measure. And then, to make it even worse, you disappear for over a year without so much as a full explanation. That’s what isn’t fucking fair, Taron.’

Your eyes were trained on him, watching for any tiny movement he made. He knew that you were right and you knew that he knew. His eyes had lost their usual glossiness and he looked genuinely sorry. But there was something in you that stopped you from caring. You wished he felt the same way you had for so long after the breakup.

He didn’t say anything. Though whether that was because he was scared of saying anything else and saying the wrong thing or because he knew that there was physically nothing he could say to make you feel better, you didn’t know.

‘How did you know where I was tonight?’

In the shock of seeing Taron in the pub and him starting a fight with Tim, you hadn’t really been able to process the fact that he was there, in Otford, and not home in Hampstead where he lived. He hated the pub and had been very vocal about the fact throughout your entire relationship, telling you that he wished you’d moved closer to the centre where there were more places to get drunk on a Friday night when he got home from working.

‘What do you mean?’ He asked, more tense than before.

‘How did you know that I was at the pub? You have always been rather vocal about your dislike of that specific pub and the drive from yours to it so there is absolutely no way on this earth that you just happened to be there on a random Wednesday night on your own when I happened to be there on a date. Who told you where I was tonight?’

‘Nobody told me.’

He wasn’t lying. You always knew when he’d been lying about something by the way his eye twitched slightly and the way that he wouldn’t look at you. But as he told you that nobody told him, he looked directly at you and his eyes remained still.

‘Okay. Then how did you know where I was?’

‘Your Instagram story.’

‘I didn’t put it on my Instagram story.’

‘Your close friends.’ Shit! ‘I’m still on your close friends list. You never removed me after the breakup.’ Double shit! If he was still on your close friends list then he must have seen every story you posted after the breakup. The ones of you sobbing with a glass of wine on a random afternoon. The ones of you throwing your photos in the bin. The ones of you singing hate songs about ex partners. The ones of you at your lowest and most vulnerable. Fuck, fuck, fuck. ‘I saw the photo you put on of the two drinks and that dickhead’s hand-’

‘He’s called Tim.’

‘Tim? Yep, he’s definitely a sleaze.’

You would be lying if you said that you didn’t want to let out a little laugh. He said it with such confidence and such amusement that you couldn’t help but want to laugh. That was something that he’d always been able to do; make you laugh. He made you laugh in the times when the last thing you thought you would ever do was crack a smile. It hurt you knowing that he still had that hold on you. But you couldn’t say that you didn’t miss it at the same time.

‘Taron…’

‘I saw the photo and I just needed to see who you were out with. There was this huge grasp of jealousy that wrapped around my throat and constructed my breath. I really needed to see you. To see the guy you were with. I guess I wanted to see if he made you happier than I could.’

The glossiness made its way back to his eyes but it still wasn’t his happy glossiness. It was the kind that only appeared when he was close to tears. When he was speaking the truth.

The truth was that Tim didn’t make you happier than Taron did. You didn’t think anybody would make you that happy again. Though it was nice to get out and not be stuck at home wondering what being with someone else would be like. You’d spent the better part of two years doing that and you needed to stop wallowing and actually find out what it would be like.

It was just typical that Taron happened to turn up on the one day that you tried to forget about him and the way that he’d made you feel.

‘I needed to see how you were doing. And then when I actually did see you and you were laughing at that gu-Tim, I snapped. I’ve spent the better part of two years building this wall against the world one brick at a time. I hoped that it would somehow protect me from ever having to wonder what you were doing or who you were with. But seeing you laughing with someone else, in the pub that we used to go to with your friends. It was hard.’

‘Taron-’

‘And then I actually did see you, the wall that I’ve tried so hard to build up over the past couple of years to pretend like I wasn’t hurt by what I did collapsed.’ He sniffed gently, turning away from you and blinking aggressively. You could hear his breathing from where you were, shallow and shaky. It hurt but you couldn’t let it show.

Your neighbour was in their window and you wanted to tell Taron to come inside with you so that you were out of the way from prying neighbours but you didn’t trust yourself enough to let him back inside.

‘God, I’m so sorry for snapping like that,’ he whispered. ‘It’s just…I really hate the thought of someone else being with you. Being with you the same way that I was at one point. I never did get over the jealousy you used to joke about.’

‘But you don’t want me anymore,’ you stated, fighting back your own tears. You hadn’t said those words out loud since a week after he left when you were sobbing uncontrollably on the phone to your friend. ‘You don’t want me but you don’t want me to be with anyone else? You don’t want me to be happy? Do you know how selfish that makes you?’

‘Yes. It makes me the most selfish man in the entire world but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to care. I don’t want you to be with anybody else because it would mean that there really isn’t a chance for us to get back together.’

You could barely believe what he was saying. You’d hoped and prayed that he would say them but never did you think that he actually would. That he would admit that he wanted another chance with you. That he still had feelings for you.

‘You broke my heart that night when you told me that you’d been sleeping with that and now you’ve come here, to my home, to tell me that you still have feelings for me? I hate you. I hate you for ever thinking that it would work. Fuck, I can’t stand the sight of you right now.’

‘I’m absolutely mad about you, Y/N,’ he said, finally looking you in the eyes as he reached forward to grab your hands. ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about you for two years.’

‘I am far too tired for this, Taron,’ you sighed, shoving his hands away from yours and stepping back again. ‘I thought I’d been relieved of your jealousy but that’s what’s caused this whole mess tonight. Had it not been for your incessant jealousy, you wouldn’t have come to the pub and I’d have gone home with Tim and I’d still feel like I’m moving on from the mess you left in my life.’

Taron slouched. ‘I’m always going to be jealous when it comes to you. I just want you to be treated well and I want to look out for you.’

‘Here you go again, spinning the situation around as though you’re just trying to look out for me. But guess what? I’m not falling for it anymore. An apology would be nice though,’ you added. ‘For what you did. I never did get one of those.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

‘Sorry that it happened? Or are you only sorry because I’ve asked you for an apology? I don’t believe that pitiful excuse of an apology. I’m going inside. Go home.’

‘I love you.’

Pinching your top lip momentarily, you tried your hardest to not cry. ‘Wow…so you really are only sorry because I’ve pulled an apology from you. You know, I’ve hated you for so long yet there have been times where I’ve wondered what life would be like had I answered the phone that day.’

‘Why didn’t you answer the phone?’ He asked.

‘Are you serious, Taron? Why didn’t I answer the phone? I don’t know. Maybe it was because YOU HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH ME AND LEFT ME ON THE DOORSTEP SOBBING AND WISHING THAT I COULD JUST DIE SO THAT I WASN’T IN PAIN ANYMORE. Maybe that’s why.’ Your breathing was heavy as you stared at him, fists clenched again by your sides. Tears threatened to spill down your face but you didn’t let them.

'What would have happened if you’d answered?'

You didn’t even need to think before you answered him. 'I’d have fallen to your feet like I did every other time we got into an argument. I’d have begged you to come home-' you breathed a laugh, truly realising just how fast you would have asked him to come home. 'and I’d have told you that I loved you. Because fuck I loved you so much. I loved you to the point where I would be willing to put my happiness on the line just so that I could be with you. That’s what would have happened.'

Vulnerability was something that you’d struggled with after the breakup. You never wanted people to roll their eyes at you or think that you were yammering on about something that was so far in the past. But with Taron it felt natural. Even though you were pissed off at him and wanted him to leave you alone, there was a magnet drawing you in and a comfort that allowed you to tell him the truth. That allowed you to open up again.

'This year has been hell, Y/N. I’ve regretted that night every single day for 397 days. You were my absolute everything and I broke you. God I hate that I broke you.’

‘People are starting to stare, come inside.’

You turned and walked up the three steps to the front door, digging through your bag for your key. Taron stayed a little behind you but never took his eyes off of you. The only time he did was to look at your neighbour through their window who had been staring at the two of you for ages, probably wondering how she could make money off of the situation. ‘Taron Egerton and mystery girl fighting on steps of a London home.’ You could see it now.

When you’d managed to get the door open, you held it for Taron while you slipped your shoes off and kicked them to the bottom of the stairs to move when you went to bed. Taron slipped in past you and you had to close your eyes to stop yourself from leaning forward and smelling him. He wore your favourite cologne and you hated that he had.

‘397 days?’

‘397. The longest days of my life,’ he replied quickly, moving into the living room and refraining from looking around to see what was different. But he knew something was different about the room.‘It’s like I missed a whole year of happiness because of how shitty I’d been. I’m so, so sorry.’

And then he saw it. The photo on the mantle. You’d replaced the photo of the two of you on holiday for one of his birthday bashes with you and your best friend from one of your nights at the pub. You were wearing one of his old t-shirts and were laughing over a glass of alcohol, your eyes shining in the lights that danced around you.

‘Was she worth it?’ You asked, bringing him back to the room.

‘Was who worth it?’

‘Whoever the assistant was that you shacked up with on your press tour. Was she worth losing me?’

Your heart broke all over again and you were immediately transported back to the night he confessed to cheating on you. The relationship had been your entire life. Taron promised that he wouldn’t ever do what your ex boyfriends had done. He wouldn’t treat you the way that they had. Then he did. And it hurt like hell.

It took months for you to finally start to live life again. Mornings had been spent curled up in bed on your phone staring at photos of the two of you together and him working. Afternoons had been spent on the sofa watching the saddest movies you could find so you could blame them for your hysterical crying. Evenings had been spent back in bed with a book trying to escape the world.

It wasn’t until your best friend came to get you one night and practically forced you out of the house and to the pub for an hour when you began to smile again. You started to work out again, you were eating properly and going out with friends. It was a breath of fresh air. A calm breeze on a hot day, making you stop and take everything in a little more than usual.

‘ 'Absolutely not. Y/N, look at me. I know nothing that I say will ever make what I did right and excuses aren’t the way to fix this but I missed you so fucking much.’ He’d told you that he missed you before. That it didn’t mean anything because he missed you. In his own words, he thought only of you during it. ‘I was pining for you day after day and annoying everyone else who was working with me. To the point where they’d joked about me sleeping with someone else just to get over the pining.’

Your tongue pressed into the inside of your cheek as you took a deep breath. ‘Wow. Nice to know what your work colleagues think of me. And how little they respected me, you or our relationship. Joke or not.’

‘It wasn’t like that, I swear. They apologised for saying something like that and were genuinely apologetic. That night I was in bed and tried to Facetime you because God I needed to see you and hear your voice. But you didn’t pick up.’

‘I was out with Clarissa trying to cheer up from missing you.’ You distinctly remember sending him a text message letting him know that you were going out with your friends and that you loved him. When you were out you couldn’t think of anything other than Taron and had constantly checked to see if he’d text you back, not knowing just what he was doing.

‘Stacy came to my room and I was so vulnerable, you have no idea. Crying on the bed because I just wanted to talk to you so badly. I was miserable without you and couldn’t think of anything that would take my mind away from the pain I had in my chest from missing you.’

‘So you decided to sleep with Stacey to get over it? What, was her mum unavailable?’

Taron rolled his eyes at your joke and took a tentative step closer to you. He reached his hands out to you and you almost took them. Almost.

‘I truly cannot believe what I did. She looked a bit like you-’ your eyes widened and you had to look away to stop yourself from crying. You’d been told previously that the girls you were being cheated on with looked like you or reminded them of you and it didn’t make it any better. It made you feel worse, knowing that his eyes were clearly wondering even though you were right there. You questioned everything about yourself. ‘-and I think I was so deep in my own head that I didn’t think properly. I regretted it as soon as I’d finished and felt like I’d just started the end of my own world. Like everything was going to avalanche and I was going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. When I got home and saw you and how excited you were to see me, I realised the severity of what I’d done and realised that I was going to lose you.’

‘It was only when you saw me that you realised how you’d acted? Really, Taron? Don’t dig yourself any deeper into the hole.’

‘I knew how awful it was from the minute it happened but seeing your face; seeing how truly happy you were and when you ran to me and kissed me, I knew I couldn’t not tell you. I thought you’d be better off without me after that happened.’

Tears streamed down your cheeks by that point, collecting on your chest as you took multiple shaky breaths. Your heart ached more than it had in over a year.

‘Better off without you?’ You asked, wiping under your eyes with the sleeve of your jumper and not caring that your makeup was going to smudge. ‘I have been absolutely miserable for 397 days. I didn’t get out of bed for weeks and I didn’t shower for just as long. I was barely eating, I wasn’t talking to my friends, I didn’t see my family either. I became a hermit of grief. I’d probably have been better off if you had just pretended like it didn’t happen and not told me. At least then I wouldn’t still be grieving the loss of the most amazing man I’ve ever met.’

‘Still?’

‘It’s funny really,’ you sniffled, ‘how the human brain can make you hate the one person who made you the happiest you’d ever been. It’s also funny how you can have these morals and virtues that you’ve lived by throughout your entire life and then something happens and you don’t care about morals or virtues. For years I told myself that if I was ever in another relationship and they cheated, that would be it. And it was, for the rest of my relationships. But here I am, watching you stand in the room where we would laugh until the early hours of the morning wishing that I’d answered the phone.’

Taron stood in silence, letting you get everything out that you needed to. ‘You broke my trust and you broke my heart but I wanted nothing more than to be with you. It was strange. The first person I wanted to call after you left was you. Because I told you everything. I wanted to call you and tell you that I’d been cheated on and that my heart was broken. But it had been you to do those things to me. And I’ve never been the same since.’

‘What do I have to do to make you love me?’

‘Nothing,’ you shrugged. ‘Because I never stopped loving you. Not really.’

‘Then what do I have to do for you to forgive me for what I did?’

‘Prove to me that you love me. Show me just how sorry you are.’

He took the final two steps towards you and cupped your cheeks gently, pressing his forehead against yours. You took a deep breath, inhaling his musky sandalwood scent and letting your eyes flutter closed. Tears still ran down your cheeks as you sniffled and you gulped loudly, Taron’s warm hands feeling so good against your skin.

One of his hands moved down to your waist to pull you into him, and your hands instinctively gripped onto him tightly, fisting his coat at his back. You could feel his breath tickling your top lip and you took one last shaky breath as his lips ghosted over yours.

Over a year of being apart but being there felt normal. Like you’d walked back into your home. Taron was home. He’d always been home.

You pressed your lips against his fully and let him sigh into you, both of your shoulders relaxing instantly.

‘I want to show you just how sorry I am.’

******

Taron sat with his back against your headboard, his legs out in front of him and his hands by his thighs. You took three, shaky breaths to calm yourself before kneeling on the bed and moving closer to him. He could clearly see the apprehension in your face so he moved himself forward enough to hold your waist to pull you onto him. His lips met yours in a gentle kiss that reassured you that everything was going to be okay.

‘We can stop,’ he insisted, ‘if that’s what you want?’

Shaking your head, you climbed over to him and straddled both of his thighs. You cupped his cheeks with clammy hands and rested your forehead against his. ‘Don’t wanna stop.’

Taron smiled to himself, letting his lips ghost over yours as he moved his hands up his thighs to your bare bum and down your own thighs. His touch was light, almost as if he was scared that it wasn’t real. He’d had too many dreams to count where you’d been close enough to him again that he was able to feel the heat from your core against his legs, the feel of your skin on his fingers and the feel of your lips against his.

Your skin was soft under his touch, his hands gliding effortlessly wherever they roamed. From the gentle curve of your bum to the fleshy skin of your thighs, up your hips and to your waist, to your shoulders and down your arms. He couldn’t get enough of you. He’d missed you more than he thought possible and he wanted to make sure that you were real and that you were actually there with him.

His hands found refuge on your waist, pulling your body closer to his so that he could kiss you easier. Your hands gripped his shoulders as you moved, his hard length sitting between your legs where you needed him the most. Feeling brave, you rocked yourself over him slowly, watching his face for any reaction.

A sharp hiss filled the room around you and spurred you on to rock over him again, his cock hitting your clit in the right place. Taron could feel how wet you were getting and he gripped your hips tighter to stop your movements. He looked at you through his eyelashes, leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours.

‘I meant what I said, you know?’

‘You meant what?’

Your heart pounded deep within your chest as you looked at him through your lashes, your skin getting more clammy with each passing second.

‘That I love you. ‘Ve always loved you. Think I always will.’ Taron spoke with a level of sincerity that you hadn’t heard from anybody in a long while. His eyes remained on you the entire time he spoke, hoping with everything he had that you would understand just how serious he was being. ‘Never stopped loving you. And I’ve never forgiven myself for what I did to you. I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting that.’

Your breaths mixed at the top of your lips and you gulped at the feeling. It had been a long while since you were this close and it felt so strangely natural to you. You could just about make out the smell of alcohol on his breath and you knew that he’d be able to smell it on yours. But neither of you did anything to say that you cared.

In the space of an hour you’d gone from chewing him out on the path of your home to straddling his thighs in the bed you used to share ready to forgive him for everything he had done.

He’d gotten bigger since you’d seen him last. His arms were stronger and his stomach was toned. You traced the lines of his slightly protruding abs with the tips of your fingers, not really paying attention to what you were doing. His admission was ringing in your ears but you couldn’t find the words to answer him thoroughly.

‘You don’t have to say anything right now,’ he added, almost as if he knew that you couldn’t form any words. ‘I just wanted to let you know. I am so unbelievably sorry and I know that there isn’t anything I can do to take back what I did or how I acted but I want you to know that I will do whatever you want. I just want to know that we can try.’

‘I don’t know, Taron.’

You pushed yourself off of him and sat next to him on the bed, pulling the blanket that sat at the end of it over your body to hide your vulnerability. You needed to talk and that was going to be vulnerable enough without you naked on top of him. Taron turned to face you, holding out one of his hands for you to take if you wanted to. You didn’t take it.

‘I’m sorry,’ you whispered, gulping back tears and pinching the inside of your lip out of anxiety. ‘It wasn’t just what happened. There were other things that weren’t right with us.’

‘Like what?’

‘I didn’t feel like you-’ You paused, covering your mouth with your hand and closing your eyes. ‘Sometimes I felt like I was the only person who cared about our relationship. I think that’s why it hurt so much when you did what you did. I already felt like I wasn’t good enough for you and then you cheated on me and it made me realise that you really would rather be with anybody else but me.’

‘That’s not the case,’ he said quickly. He grabbed your hands in his despite you not wanting to and turned you to face him properly. ‘I was such an arsehole constantly.’

‘Don’t put yourself down like that.’

‘I was. I realised that I hadn’t been putting any effort into the relationship. I’d come home from work and just say that I was tired and go straight to bed. I wouldn’t wait up for you if you went out with friends. I wouldn’t go shopping with you like we used to. I stopped planning dates. I was a shitty boyfriend and then I did that and I thought you deserved better.’

‘I did.’

His head dropped low and he lifted a hand to wipe at his eyes. ‘I know you did. You deserved so much better.’

‘Why?’

‘Why what?’ he asked, looking at you again. The edges of his eyes were red and damp and it took everything in you to not reach forward and wipe the one stray tear that had fallen away. Like you always did before.

‘Why wasn’t I ever good enough for you?’

‘You were good enough,’ he said. ‘If anything, you were too good. Never before had I been in a relationship where my partner understood that I would be away from home for so long working. They’d never waited at the airport for me with a cheesy homemade sign every single time I came home. They’d never send me videos of themselves being absolutely ludacris just to make me smile.’

You breathed a laugh, remembering all of the times you’d been doing something mundane and stopped to take a video for Taron being dramatically over the top. And each video ended with an ‘I love you and I’m so proud of you.’ It took a lot of getting used to to stop doing them when you’d broken up, but somewhere on your phone were hundreds of videos just like the ones you would send with the same ending, but you were crying in those, so bitterly heartbroken.

‘I never truly felt like I deserved your love. Because you deserved so much more than me and what I could offer you. And I think that’s why I got so jealous earlier at the pub. I saw you there laughing with somebody else the way that you used to laugh with me and I saw the way that you were so open with him. For a split second, I let myself imagine that it was me you were with. That we were waiting for our mates to come and join us for a drink before we went for dinner somewhere else.’

He paused and took a deep breath, his eyes getting even more glassy than they were before. ‘It hurt me seeing you with somebody else. Somebody who so very clearly didn’t appreciate your humour, or the little lines that appear near your eyes when you’re laughing, or the way you’d clasped your hands around your drink tightly at one point as you listened to what he was saying, staring into his soul to truly hear his words.’

He gulped. ‘Fuck, I love you. I know I keep saying it but it’s how I feel. It’s like when I’m with you there’s nothing else I can think about but you. The way that your lips protrude slightly when you’re concentrating on something or reading a book, the way that you can read a book no matter where you are and not get distracted, the way that you hold your mug of tea close to your chest with both hands while you watch Gilmore Girls, the way that you can watch Gilmore Girls so often and not get bored. You are the only thing I can think of and I am so fucking stupid for all of the shit I put you through.’

‘I wasn’t staring into his soul,’ you murmured. ‘I was thinking about you.’

‘You were-’

‘When he was talking and I was, as you put it, clasping my hands around my drink tightly?’ Taron nodded. ‘I wasn’t staring into his soul. I was comparing him to you. I compare every man with you. I was thinking about the fact he didn’t have dimples when he smiles, or lines around his eyes. His hair was similar to yours but it didn’t have the same softness to it, or the same bounce. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would also videos and photos of him laughing or being silly. He was boring.’

Taron chuckled gently before turning serious again. ‘I sound like a broken record but fuck me I love you.’

You pressed your lips against his harshly, slipping your tongue into his mouth and colliding with him. He tasted sharp like the vodka he had been drinking at the pub but minty from the chewing gum he always had after he’d been drinking. His tongue was warm against your, exploring your mouth like it was on a mission as he grabbed your hips and moved you back on top of him. His hands guided your hips over his again and again, building a fire in your tummy that you were completely unable to control.

When you were happily distracted by his intoxicating kisses, he ran his middle finger between your folds, collecting your juices from your entrance and pulling them up to your clit where he drew gentle circles, chuckling into you when you gasped. He’d forgotten just how sensitive you were at a simple touch. Pushing the thoughts of other men knowing how sensitive you were from his mind, he slowly pressed his finger into you, moving his lips to kiss your neck.

‘Taron,’ you whimpered, trying to move over him. ‘Fuck.’

He smirked to himself, pulling his finger from you and pushing you back just enough for him to grab his aching dick, stroking it once, twice, three times, and lining it up to you. Your hands came to rest on his chest as you lifted yourself enough to feel him where you needed him. You moved together then, him pressing into you and you pushing down onto him, and you both let out a long, drawn out moan.

After two years, you were no longer used to the gentle burn of him entering you, or the way he filled you perfectly, like you were made to slot together in such a way. You could feel every vein, every bump, on his length as you sank down further, your hands moving to grip his shoulder tightly to steady yourself. Your knees struggled to cope with the weight of your body as you continued to lower yourself slowly. They wanted to let you fall onto Taron completely, to have him as deep as physically possible and then some.

Taron’s eyes met yours as you sat on him fully, taking a second to get used to feeling so full again. There was only so much your dildo could do. He kissed your lips tenderly, telling you everything you needed to hear in just one look.

His hands sat warm against your hips as he started to help you rock over him, his length hitting your deepest spot and coaxing a long moan from you. Your legs clenched around his hips and your head fell back on itself, giving Taron the perfect opportunity to press kisses to your neck, suckling the skin into his mouth and grazing it with his teeth.

You were overwhelmed to say the least. Your emotions were already all over the place with seeing Taron and reliving the past that hurt so much, and then you were in bed with him again hearing him tell you how much he loved you and you admitted that nobody had compared to him without so much as saying the words. It was all a little bit too much.

Every fibre of your being prayed that Taron wouldn’t change his mind in the morning and wish that you hadn’t slept together. You didn’t want him to wake up and tell you that you should stay broken up. That would hurt more than letting him back into your life. You’d craved his touch and his kisses for so long that the mere thought of waking up without him again hurt.

Taron grabbed a fistful of your bum as you rocked over him harder, lifting yourself off him slowly to sink back on him seconds later. Your kisses were still soft though, and full of love. It was as though your mouths were trying to stay together and take things slow while your lower halves were craving one another and wanting to feast.

The only time your kisses weren’t delicate and laced with emotion was when Taron’s hips lifted to meet yours, his need to have his way with you far too much for him. His hands held your hips in place as he planted his feet flat on the bed and thrust up into you, revelling in the way your eyes rolled to the back of your head and your breasts pressed forward into him.

‘Feels so good to have you wrapped around me like that again,’ he mumbled against your breast, his forehead sticking to you with the sheen of sweat coating your skin. ‘Better than any of my dreams.’

‘Fuck, babe,’ you whimpered, grabbing his hair and tugging lightly. ‘I’m so fucking close.’

At your admission, he moved his thumb to press it against your clit, circling it deliciously in time with his thrusts, watching you unravel on top of him. You could barely contain your moans and mewls as he slowed his thrusts, letting you rock over him again so that he could kiss you once more.

He gripped the backs of your thighs and turned you over so that he was hovered over you, your legs at either side of his hips and his cock still nestled perfectly inside you. He pulled out of you and gripped the base of himself, dragging his raspberry tip to your clit and back a few times, shivering at the contact. When he finally started to press back into you, he moved at an agonising pace, wanting you to feel every inch of him just as much as he wanted to feel your walls flutter around him.

He moved too slow for your liking but tutted when you tried to lift your hips to meet his. ‘Please don’t, I want to show you just how sorry I am. How much I fucked up.’

His eyes were wet again and you lifted your hands to cradle his cheeks, catching a tear with your thumb and taking a long, shaky breath. ‘Taron-’

‘I am so, so fucking sorry. Going to be sorry forever. I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ you gulped, letting your own tears fall as he pulled out of you until only his tip was hidden. When he went to press back into you, however, he didn’t go slowly. Instead, he thrust into you fast, and with purpose, shocking you in the best possible way.

Your nails dug into his biceps as he thrust into you at the same pace over and over again, fast and mercilessly. He wanted to make you feel good, to give you an orgasm that you would feel for hours after. The kind of orgasm where you would struggle to walk to the toilet before bed. The kind of organise that would leave you feeling like you’d done hours at the gym. He wanted to fuck you into oblivion, all while showing you how much he loved you.

He wanted to give you everything that only he could.

‘You’re so fucking good,’ he moaned as he leaned down to kiss you again, finally letting himself break the wall completely. ‘I love you so fucking much.’

‘I’m going to come,’ you whimpered into his mouth, reaching around his neck to keep him in place.

His hips continued to push into yours, the sound of skin slapping filling the room around you along with your moans and groans. It wasn’t until then that you realised how loud you had probably been. No doubt the neighbours could hear you and you’d be getting a complaint the following day. But you didn’t care. You wanted them to know how good you were being fucked.

‘Wanna feel you clenching around me. Wanna feel how good you feel.’

‘Holy fuck.’

Your orgasm didn’t give you a single warning. It flooded every one of your senses and had you gasping for air. Your legs tensed around Taron’s body, your toes curling at the insane waves of pleasure washing over you. His hair caught in your fingers as you tugged at the roots at his neck, needing something other than the white sheets to hold onto.

The fluttering and clenching of your walls around his length pulled Taron over the edge, his own orgasm washing over him. His head fell forward until it rested on your shoulder, his chest heaving against yours with each breath he took to try and fill his lungs with air again.

‘Fucking…shit,’ he cursed as he rode you both through your orgasms, his hips moving slowly in and out of you.

He didn’t pull out straight away though. You were so warm and snug that he didn’t want to leave you. And you were thankful. He made you feel so full and you didn’t want to not feel full again. You wanted to feel him a little while longer.

The world around you seemed to still as you lay in bed catching your breath. Neither of you fully understood how you had gone from hating one another to confessing your feelings. The argument on the street felt like a lifetime ago but the only thing of importance was knowing that Taron really was sorry.

‘I forgive you,’ you whispered against his shoulder. ‘For everything. I just…I need you to promise me that things are going to be different. It’s going to take me time to trust you again but I want to trust you again. I want to be with you.’

‘I will do everything I can to gain your trust again. And that’s a promise. Why don’t you go for a wee and I’ll change the sheets quickly? Then we can cuddle together?’

You nodded against him but didn’t move. He was far too snuggle for you to even begin to want to move. It took him rolling off your body and letting the cool air from the room hit your skin for you to get up, though you didn’t go without a groan.

‘Go bloody pee, woman,’ he chuckled as you finally stood from the bed, albeit with shaky legs.

Your thighs burned as you tried to move and you had to take a minute to run your hands down them just so that you could walk to the adjoining room for the toilet. Taron watched with a smirk as you hobbled.

He made light work of changing the sheets, sleepiness finally catching up to him and motivating him to hurry up.

‘Taron,’ your voice called from the bathroom, ‘there’s no toilet roll in here. Can you get me some please? It’s in the same place as before.’

Taron chuckled and grabbed a roll of toilet roll and passing it to you, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before he left.

It didn’t take long for you to climb back into bed, needing to get warm after being in the cold air for far too long. Taron joined you quickly, tucking you in and laying an arm over your torso to pull you close. His front was warm against your body as he manoeuvred himself to press a kiss to your forehead. He pulled you even closer so that you were a tangled mess under the sheets.

‘Night, Y/N.’

‘Night night, Taron.’

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 3 years

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For each member of the Cullens, what do you think it would take for them to realize the extent of how unhinged Edward is and what do you think they would do about it, if anything?

Well, we’re going dark places today, aren’t we?

Alice

Alice is already fully aware of what Edward is, she simply doesn’t care.

There are visions that Alice misses, Edward thinks Alice misses the vast majority of Biology due to being hyper focused on Jasper (and likely missed the school massacre that Edward was seriously planning) but there is a lot she doesn’t miss.

Every time Edward thinks about how great it’d be to smash Mike Newton’s head like a watermelon, every time he considers devouring Bella, every time he enters her room unannounced to stare at her while she sleeps unawares, the time Edward considers genocide of the Quileute Tribe because of Jake’s telling Bella a story he doesn’t even believe, Alice knows.

It changes nothing for her.

She roots for Edward and Bella’s relationship, not because she knows for a certainty it will work out, but because it might. And that slim might, where Bella Swan might survive and become Edward’s lover as well as her own Barbie is worth everything they put Bella through to get there.

Also damningly, Alice cares very little for how good Edward is for Bella just as she cares very little for Bella period. Bella is Alice’s excuse to party and a dress up toy, but Alice will cut contact with her to a) please Edward b) prove a point to Edward.

Worse, Alice will take Bella to Italy, a city where she knows Bella will be killed with a 90% chance upon entry, on the slim chance that they might prevent Edward’s suicide. Yes, she vaguely explains the risk Bella’s taking, but she doesn’t say it in clear terms nor does she waste much time arguing.

Edward is far more important to Alice than Bella.

What I’m getting at is, thanks to her gift, Alice is intimately aware of just what Edward is capable of. She doesn’t care. And yes, there’s something to be said that Edward, more often than not, does not act upon these futures and he shouldn’t be condemned for choices he does not make. However, he does make some of them, and Alice knows.

There’s nothing I think Edward could do to either inform her that she was gravely wrong in how she perceived him or drive her away. Alice would be disappointed he’s thrown the family into such disarray but most likely would try to steer him away from whatever choice would cause such a rift.

She would aid, abet, and enable him because that is what will keep the Cullens together. Which is something Alice very much wants.

Carlisle

Carlisle lives in a river in Egypt, the water is made of double think. There are strong hints that Carlisle’s family is not quite as gung ho or altruistic about the diet as he is. Instead of being appalled, Carlisle quietly lowers his standards, and gives enthusiastic applause when Edward does things like choose not to brutally murder the serial rapist who nearly raped Bella. This is big growth for Edward! He also takes measures like sending family members who have accidents to their victims funeral, in the hopes that something, maybe, might make them see humans as people worthy of life.

If you asked him though, he’d talk about how amazing his family and the Denali are for the diet, and how he’s so proud to be a part of this community that values human life. LOOK HOW MUCH THEY VALUE IT.

When it comes to Edward, I think Edward holds a special place in Carlisle’s heart. He was not only the first person he turned, but Edward left and came back, to Carlisle this signaled that he’d found meaning and purpose in preserving human life. More, Edward... is very good at hiding what he is and is desperate that Carlisle above all others never see it.

Rather than have a conscience, most of the time, what stops Edward from “you name horrific action” of the day is the thought of “What would Carlisle say?”

My point being, from the outside, especially to Carlisle, Edward truly does look like a noble soul. There are... flags, but they’re easily ignored or written off as issues with Edward’s emotional maturity.

Where Carlisle starts getting concerned is with Bella. Edward leaves for Alaska, great, Carlisle’s proud he was able to make that decision and know his limits. ThEn EdWArd CoMeS BaCK.

Edward comes back, in a week, nothing has changed, and he refuses to leave. Carlisle talks to him, Edward’s thinking he’s better than Hamburger and he can’t let her win, what he actually says to Carlisle is something along the lines of “I can’t run from my fears” Carlisle does an upside down smiley face then says, “Yes, you can, please do” And Edward doesn’t.

Things with Edward and this girl get progressively weird, but Carlisle is very proud that Edward sees the value of human life and not murdering a girl for being nearly hit by a van (this is how low Carlisle’s standards have become), and then Alice goes, “Oh, by the way, Edward is in love with this girl!”

Carlisle just sits there, “Alright then” and quietly puts aside his dreams of moving to a town where Edward doesn’t eat Bella Swan.

But I’m getting off track, this isn’t about canon where Carlisle can explain Edward’s actions away as noble but extreme, emotionally immature, and misguided.

Eating Bella’s not enough. Carlisle will see this as a tragic accident, something he foresaw, but something he assumes will haunt Edward for eternity. And, as it will haunt Edward for eternity (though not for the reasons Carlisle assumes) there will be nothing to make Carlisle question Edward’s character. He was young and foolish to think his limits were endless, but this was a tragic accident.

And it’s something, that in canon, Carlisle is hoping won’t happen but expects with helplessness.

I think there are a number of things that could do it. Had Edward eaten Biology, had he decided to defy Volturi law by eating Saint Marcus’ Square, but staying closer to the realm of possibility...

Had Edward forcibly aborted Bella, murdering her and her child in the process, or else if Renesmee didn’t have her gift, and Edward murdered her after her birth (assuming Jake didn’t get to it first).

Those actions cannot be excused away nor cannot be seen as tragic accidents. They are premeditated and evil, and yes evil is a strong word, yet here we are. This is Carlisle staring in the face of madness.

And that’s what it will take.

If Edward cheats on Bella, then while Carlisle is sad and disappointed, affairs happen and passion fades. More, Edward and Bella married awfully young and barely knew each other, this perhaps isn’t surprising.

If Edward eats a human Bella on the day she’s supposed to be turned, in very suspicious circumstances right at the last minute. Carlisle will know, deep down, but never allow himself to believe it. He’ll think Edward is utterly devestated and had let his guard down on that last day in anticipation of Bella’s turning.

This though, there’s no denying this.

I don’t believe Carlisle can kill Edward. Murder is not in his nature, and more, Edward is so dear to him. And now that this has happened, Carlisle would blame himself in part because surely, the human Edward Masen would never have become this.

He’d likely reach out to Aro. Eclipse has happened, but not Breaking Dawn, and more everything is in question. He has to know the truth from a man who has seen Edward’s very soul. He goes in person, likely tells Edward his plans, and Edward rages but that doesn’t stop Carlisle.

Rosalie (more on her below) would never forgive Edward, ever, she is done. She and Emmett likely go with Carlisle to Volterra to hear the truth of what Edward is. Esme stays behind with Edward, torn in half, but unable to leave his side in this time of crisis. With that, her and Carlisle’s marriage completely dissolves on the spot. Alice stays with Edward as well, which means Jasper does to, though this likely starts the gears in head and he begins to contemplate leaving his wife. Though I imagine he won’t act for some time.

By the time Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle reach Volterra the coven is broken.

If Bella survived, if Edward murdered Renesmee while she was out of commission for three days, then I imagine she too goes to Volterra. Not for truth, but so that Aro can murder her, because there’s no point in living anymore.

Emmett

It would have to be beyond the pale extreme because Emmett gets more hints than most of the family (i.e. Carlisle and Rosalie).

Edward doesn’t really confide in Emmett, per se, but he does say some pretty damning things on their hunting trip in New Moon and give off varying vibes of crazy. Rather than realize that Edward, perhaps, is dangerous, Emmett only gets the feeling that Edward might not be alright in the head. Mostly, Emmett doesn’t want to think about it.

So he gets to listen to Edward raving about how Bella could be crushed by a meteor, wondering why Edward even cares when two days ago he didn’t give a flying fuck about this rando tasty human.

To Emmett, Edward has been laughing madly to himself for days, is now a paranoid wreck, and is starting to creep him out but... Maybe if he ignores it, Edward will go back to normal?

Not helping is that Emmett doesn’t care about human life. He’s constantly telling Edward to treat himself and eat Bella, in a manner that suggests he vicariously wants to live through the delicious experience (as well as get Edward to calm down).

If Edward eats Bella, Emmett will slap him on the back and say “Good job, bro!” If Edward eats Bella after the whole “love” thing, well, that’s weird, but, uh, “Sorry, bro?” If Edward murders all of Biology...

Then Emmet might do a double take and think, you know, maybe something’s not right with Edward.

I think he’d suggest he and Rose take a very long vacation and wait for things to calm down. Hoping that, if he ignores this, it will go away and Edward will return to a... saneish person.

What Rose thinks is a different story.

Esme

There is nothing on this planet that could tear Esme away from Edward. Esme’s purpose in life, the thing that gives her joy each morning and each night, is her family which you can condense down to Edward: the best and brightest of all of us.

We see it in canon.

The day after Edward decides he’s in love he acts like a lunatic. The car smells like Bella, as he kidnapped her for a ride home (Bella did not realize she had, in fact, been abducted. Edward does for two seconds then says to himself, “No, no, this is--completely necessary. I’M A MONSTER”

Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett get to ride home in this Bella smelling car. Edward keeps laughing, like he’s in an opium den, it’s fucking weird. Edward offers no explanation, the car always smells like Bella, what are you talking about?

Edward then skips to the piano, giggling to himself, and sits down to compose. An action he hasn’t done in years. He’s still grinning and giggling to himself, by the way. Alice joins him at the piano, being equally cryptic and weird as usual. For some reason, Rosalie leaves the room in complete humiliation and shame. This is never explained to anyone watching.

Esme is sitting in the room, taking this all in, and thinks nothing. Instead she smiles, at beautiful Edward, and asks him to play the song he composed for her. She’s so glad to see him filled with joy again. She tells him that he is the best and brightest of all of them.

Esme later gives Edward her pretty much express permission to eat Bella if the girl is causing him such pain and misery. Luckily for Bella, Edward’s in love. So he passes on that and assures Esme the most wonderful thing has happened, he is in love.

My point being, Edward could drop the corpses of the students he murdered in Biology so he could more efficiently eat Bella at Esme’s feet and she wouldn’t blink. It wouldn’t even process for her. Esme would continue carrying on as Esme, nothing changing, while the rest of the family stares agog at the city Edward just murdered.

There is nothing Edward could do or say that would ever change Esme’s mind and she will always treat him as her favorite child.

Jasper

With his gift, I imagine Jasper suspects. Edward loathes Rosalie, despises him, and his feelings for others are... strange. He holds indifference and contempt for mankind and when it comes to Bella. Woof, what a cocktail.

He has no proof though, but I imagine if the smallest thing comes into his lap, that suspicion would become a certainty.

As for what he’d do, it’s hard to say.

I think, in most scenarios, he’d look the other way. Yes, Edward is a monater, but Jasper to is a monster if for different reasons, he has no room to judge. More, Edward is in many respects the heart of the Cullens, far more than Japser himself is. If Jasper goes causing strife, making accusations the others may or may not believe, then the coven could collapse.

This place, these people, are what Jasper thinks he’s been searching for all his life. For the first time, he knows peace, and is trying to live a life where he doesn’t persist in agony every time he succumbs to eating. Jasper is not going to risk that falling apart, even if he finds Edward unpleasant.

And if Edward keeps it to himself, or if the occasional human is the victim, then that’s a price Jasper is willing to pay.

Jasper might actually get concerned when it comes to Bella. For all Bella’s not very close with him, he holds her in very high regard. He nearly devoured Bella, and she forgave him, she forgave him his monstrously brutal past and has never flinched from him. She is a reminder of what humanity can be and why it’s important.

If he realized the threat Edward is to Bella, not just in eating her, but on a level much darker than that, then he might start to act and would probably try to get Bella to leave while she could. However, he also likely knows Bella would never listen, because she doesn’t see what Edward is and nothing would convince her otherwise. Not to mention, as soon as Jasper knows, Edward will plot against him so that no one in the family will ever listen to a word he says.

Not to mention that Alice, of course, must know and doesn’t care. That will be quite the blow to Jasper taking any action.

Barring extreme circumstances, Jasper does nothing, he just watches and waits to see what the others do.

Rosalie

For all that Edward doesn’t bother to be nice to Rosalie, and is ready to lay into her at a moment’s notice, he’s very dear to her. He is, in all regards, her brother and she cares for him deeply as she does the family as a whole.

Rosalie has no idea what he truly is and it would take a lot for her to accept it. More, unlike Carlisle, although she prizes human values and tries to hold herself to human standards her morals have slipped enough that she genuinely advocates murdering Bella Swan in her sleep so that Rosalie won’t have to move.

Murdering Bella won’t be enough, Rosalie will see it as the accident that could have been avoided if Edward hadn’t insisted on being a fool.

I think, for Rosalie, the best way to drive it home would be a sexual crime. Had Edward forced Bella’s abortion in Breaking Dawn, that would have done it. First, it’d be such a messy, bloody, affair at that point and would look like a horror show (which means Edward’s more than likely to eat Bella in the process). Second, this would be Edward taking the child that Bella wanted, tearing it from her and murdering it, and performing the most vile action that Rosalie can likely even contemplate.

I don’t know what she’d do, I don’t think Rosalie’s capable of killing Edward, she cares for him too much, even after something like this. However, I think she would make an ultimatum to Carlisle “either he goes or I go” and then would never speak of Edward again, he’s dead to her.

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agent-cupcake · 3 years

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You know, you've written a lot of your thoughts/hcs/etc on how various characters would behave as yanderes and so on, but I've never seen you talk about yandere readers before and I feel like that's an interesting subject to consider? Especially for 3H - you have a treasure trove of damaged boys to attract obsessiveness from girls who are convinced they are the ONLY one for them and it's their duty to drive away competition/threats/anyone they want.

Okay it's time to be toxic. I’m not going to go for all the guys, just the ones who immediately came to mind.

Dimitri: I joke quite often that I would be yandere for Dimitri. It all started when I brought up killing the girl he danced with at the White Heron Ball and quite frankly it's only spiraled from there because doesn't the Savior King Dimitri deserve to be adored and worshipped? Doesn't he deserve someone who wants the best for him and only him? Doesn’t it only make sense for him to be with someone who understands his mental issues and is willing to offer him unconditional support and patience? Doesn't he need someone with unwavering loyalty who will do anything no matter what the cost for his sake? It'd be so easy too because he's super dependent, desperate for affection, and clueless so if you just nourish those traits and constantly downplay his discomfort/suspicion of you driving away anybody who you feel is a threat by saying that this is how relationships just are, that it's just because you love him so much, that you're just looking out for him, what's he gonna do? It's not like he'd have any solid basis for knowing how relationships are supposed to be. Besides if he gets too upset you can threaten to leave him just like his mother did, I'm sure that would work to get him back in your arms (where he belongs). Yeah, that’s a little fucked up but it would be so much worse for both of you in the long run if you were apart. Being too aggressive or overt about your obsession would definitely make Dimitri wise up so it'd be better to go with love bombing. This would be good because it really lets you prove your devotion to Dimitri and makes it easier for him to just laugh off and excuse your disturbingly possessive behavior. His friends would be potentially problematic, but they're not always around and Dimitri's private enough that he probably wouldn't volunteer information about you to them. If you told him that it made you very upset and uncomfortable when he was friendly with the girls from his class, he’d most likely stop for your sake. Bonus round, have his babies. What is he going to do, abandon the mother of his children? Dimitri?!? No way. Of course he wouldn’t do anything to risk breaking his family, but neither would you! After all, this is all because you know Dimitri better than anyone which means that only you can love him.

Sylvain: Sylvain being manipulative and cheating on you after you try and prove your love to him through conventional means causing you to snap and kill hurt the girls, throw his lies back in his face, and prove that you're the only girl for him by preying on his emotional trauma with women is really something to consider. Why try to resolve toxic situations with love, compassion, and open communication when you can use blood and abuse to keep him with you? Play the part, be snarky, witty, flirty, be super hot and cold to keep him intrigued, give him the best fuck he's ever had, really show him that you don't care about his Crest, you just want to love possess him. Maybe even do the whole "I don't care who you're with, we both know you belong to me" to really engage him in those super fun mind games. Make everyone else acknowledge that you're the perfect girl for him, get them all to vilify him for continuing to be such a womanizer and breaking your heart. But, like, why stop there? Encourage him to retaliate, to be mad at you. Tease him for being so disgusted and angry at you when all you want, all you've ever wanted, was for your hearts to beat as one and then later act confused because of course you wouldn’t make light of his feelings like that, that’s horrible. All you want, all you’ve ever wanted, was for him to acknowledge that your adoration for him is true. Really break him until he gives you the whole “I’ll let you chain me up so I never even look at another girl” schtick. This might seem awful, but so is he! Reform can be difficult and if he’s going to be happy, he has to be made to understand why his behavior was so bad and the consequences of it. Because it’s not like you’d act like this if you had any other choice, it’s not like you’d continue once the two of you were truly together, of course you wouldn’t treat him so cruelly once he vowed himself to you and only you. And, really, I think it’d be a lot easier once he understood that and you got to prove your love to him through raw, unadulterated affection. Spend every day adding onto the list of why you love your Sylvain.

Claude: Claude being more than aware of the ole' saying "don't stick your dick in crazy" and then doing it anyway because he has a proclivity for the fiery, forbidden, and oh-so temping call of danger would be the perfect set up for a very bad predicament. You’d have to play some mind games to really convince him that he’s the one seeking you out, he’s the one who’s got it bad, he’s the one who wants to have you. In other words, you’d have to give him a challenge. But, you know, if it’s a game, you’d have to play back because you’re doing this for him, because you love him, because you want him to realize that he loves you, too (Uno reverse Claude’s yandere behaviors, basically) so obviously you’d have to eliminate any obstacles and taking out anybody who could be a potential threat. Get him to open up about his dreams, his past, his feelings. As it goes with basically all of these affection-starved men, make him feel loved for who he is. You know, if you were really good, you could probably even get him to give up on everything else for your sake. I mean, I loathe the ending but he does that for Lysithea. Pull a Tangled on Claude and make him believe that you’re his new dream as he mostly certainly is yours.

Felix: Sweet Felix. So oblivious but so difficult. A man who would provide the ultimate and most dangerous yan rival of them all: the thrill of the fight. In a lot of ways, I think he’d be like Dimitri. Mostly just because he’s so dense when it comes to love of any kind. But he’s also not as emotionally desperate or dependent so you wouldn’t really be able to use that against him. The similarities come from Felix’s equal amount of inexperience with romance which opens up a lot of possibilities for you convincing him that certain behaviors are normal. You can even bring up how his cold emotional state (something I believe he’s insecure about) is what forces you to be so overbearing, how badly it hurts you. You don’t necessarily mean to be so cloying but you’re so afraid of losing someone else you love so much (another insecurity of his). After all, there is nobody in the entire world who is like him, Felix Hugo Fraldarius, (three for three with his insecurities) and how irreplaceable and precious he is to you. These examples are kind of “soft” when it comes to using his insecurities against him, but you could go further with them assuming you were sure that it wouldn’t drive him away. Not knowing and having to work on assumption would always be a pretty big reason to control yourself in how you went about manipulating him because Felix is stubborn and prideful and pushing him too far would only hurt the both of you. It’s actually kind of funny because as opposed to the traditional yan mindset, it would be in your best interest to get Felix to form relationship bonds with others (but definitely not any of the girls he’s so popular with) because that would be a bargaining chip when convincing him to stay with you.

Ferdinand von Aegir: Ferdinand is, honestly, so easy for this. Like, I feel as if I don’t even need to talk about the details. You show him some affection and he’s yours. Bury him in love and praise. Tell him that it makes you unhappy when he talks to other girls or prioritizes his work over you and then reward him with boundless warmth and devotion because of course he would bend over backwards to make you happy. He just wants to be needed and treasured, to love and be loved. He’s already got the poetry and the ring and of course he wouldn’t mind getting married right away it’s true love, why would you wait?

Yuri: Yuribird is the forbidden darling. You’d need to be running on 100% love because he’d sniff out and ditch you at even the smallest whiff of deliberate obsession. But you know what he wants? More-so than the other guys, in some ways. He wants to be known and loved for who he is. In the face of genuine affection, he doesn’t stand a chance. Still, you’d have to be measured about this stuff. If you were jealous and got rid of your rivals yourself, Yuri would be disgusted and leave you. And you can’t hide that sort of thing from him, either. You’d have to go all in on the manipulation but only in the most honest way possible, that’s the only way past his defenses. Get him to prioritize your feelings first so he feels guilty talking to people or acting in ways that upset you. Reward him for putting you above everyone else. Constantly remind him that you’re the only one who knows and understands him, who loves him for who he is. Get him so emotionally fucked that even if his big brain logic is telling him that you’re toxic and horrible, he can’t stand the thought of being without you. He’d give up crime, it’s not like he even particularly likes it. Set up the perfect life for him, something domestic and sweet and warm, something he’s never had worries he doesn’t deserve, something that keeps him away from others. The goddess only knows how much he deserves a happy dream for once, and you’re the only one who can understand and provide that for him.

#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #sylvain jose gautier #yuri leclerc #claude von riegan #felix hugo fraldarius #ferdinand von aegir #fe dimitri #fe sylvain #fe yuri #fe claude #fe felix #fe ferdinand #fire emblem three houses #fe3h #yandere #headcanons #yandere headcanons #quality content only on my blog

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phykios · 3 years

Text

honesty and promise me, part 10 [co-written with @darkmagyk] [read on ao3]

“If you don’t talk to me, I’m not going to leave you my keys.”

Annabeth looks at Piper from behind the loom, glaring through the threads. “Then you won’t come back to ten bolts of fabric.”

In fairness, it was sort of an empty threat. Piper has all the good stuff: the surger, the embroidery machine, the industrial sewing machines, plus a million sources for fabric that aren’t Annabeth’s stress weaving. Annabeth only has her own shitty sewing machine at home that she’d gotten for Christmas when she was fourteen.

Also, Piper wouldn’t actually lock her out. She needs those fabrics.

“Why don’t you just not go?” Annabeth says. “If you stay, I promise to tell you all the gritty details.” She’s joking, but the second she says it, she’s hit with a strange wave of desperation.

She wants to tell Piper all the gritty details. How she had giggled and smoozed and looked so pretty on Luke’s arm, tattoos and undercut and everything else so carefully concealed. She never wanted to tell Thalia the gritty details. The dirty ones, sure, particularly when the dirty things didn’t involve Thalia’s beloved younger cousin. But she had spent two years, two hard painful years, hiding vast swaths of herself from Thalia.

She thought of the night of the gala, of Thalia telling her family she knew Luke from college. NYU. They’d been actors together.

Annabeth hadn’t been the only one hiding things.

It had stung, in all sorts of ways.

Piper stares, narrowing her eyes. “How dare you tempt me into giving up my creative retreat for gossip.”

Annabeth shrugs. “It’s one or the other.”

The glare at each other, stubborn as all hell.

Piper throws up her hands. “Fine. Just make my fabric and call Leo if you’re having another crisis.”

The truth is, she will tell Piper. Eventually. She knows she will. It will probably be in eight months, when she gets back, when hopefully the shame of her false life and the devastation of losing Percy has lessened, but she will tell her. But eight months is a long time. “I do have other friends, you know.”

“Then call Luke. Or Thalia.”

It takes absolutely everything Annabeth has not to wince at the names.

She would never have told Thalia. Not really. Even things like this, even if it hadn’t involved her. Thalia wasn’t… good at relationship stuff. Not like Piper. And she never knew all of Annabeth’s romantic history--not like Piper did, anyway.

And it wasn’t just romantic relationships.

Annabeth might have been able to share her pain, and share her pain with Thalia, but it had, in many ways, only been a surface level thing. Thalia saw her pain after Annabeth’s mom had rescinded her approval of her life, but she'd taken Annabeth’s silence as the end of the matter, and responded to it by acting out, and arguably drinking too much.

But they never talked about her mother. They never talked about Thalia’s, either, and if there was something Annabeth learned from Hazel’s gala beyond how unfairly handsome Percy was going to look in thirty years, it was that there was a lot going on there.

It is a little hurtful on reflection. Making her feel less close to Thalia, but also less guilty about what she never said. And less willing to accept her reactions.

Her emotions have been all over the place the last few weeks.

Piper notices, because of course Piper notices, but she is an angel, and has known her for a long time, so she doesn’t badger her too much. She also doesn’t mention that Annabeth’s measurements all seem to be off. Not even to say something about beauty at every size or her well publicized efforts for diverse bodies in fashion.

But it was still nice to spend time with her. It felt like the old days, staying up too late making the next thing in fashion, and then passing out together, surrounded by bobbins and bagels, Gossip Girl playing on TV.

It did make Piper’s impending departure that much harder, though.

Two weeks into November, she meets Piper and Leo for dinner, and then sees Piper off to JFK for her eight-month creativity retreat in Oklahoma. “You know, like how you decided you couldn’t have a doorman for creative reasons,” she’d said with a raised eyebrow when Annabeth had questioned the move. Piper likes to treat the last two years of Annabeth’s life like some sort of creative exercise. Her dad had done that too, once, when she bothered to answer his call.

Not that she’s not doing anything other than helping Piper pick stitches, and sewing hemlines Piper is too important to deal with herself. She wishes that earlier estimation had been true.

Since the gala she’s been living on Uber Eats at Piper’s, unless she gets bullied home, in which case it's the same but less varied selection with more meat, so the night out with Piper and Leo the night before Piper’s flight feels like a radical departure from the norm. Even though they just go to dinner.

Which does not stop her from feeling hungover the next morning.

“You had half a glass of wine last night,” Leo points out from the door of her bathroom.

“I remember,” she agrees when it lets up for a moment.

“If you get me sick,” he says, “I’m sending you the doctor's bill.”

“Fair,” she chokes out.

Leo doesn’t hug her goodbye, but he does tell her he hopes she gets better before heading back to Boston.

Annabeth, hugging porcelain, wishes she could go with him.

She was very seriously considering it a few days later. Magnus would take pity on her and Alex was always fun to hang out with. Plus, they’d probably think she was too pathetic to be called on her shit. She only did not make plans to go up to Boston because on Wednesday Luke texted her: Already a shit week, brunch this weekend? And she knew if she ran off to Boston, she wouldn’t leave Magnus and Alex’s guest room until they forced the issue.

But it would be nice to talk to someone in New York City who doesn’t hate her guts, she thought.

So, on Sunday morning, she throws up the wonton soup she’d ordered in for dinner the night before, gurgles some mouthwash, uses the expensive concealer to hide the dark circles, and over does the mascara in hopes that she mostly looks awake.

“You look terrible,” are the first words Luke says to her.

“You have no idea how to talk to women,” she says, slumping down across from him.

“I do,” Luke says, “I just know not to bother with you.” But he frowns at her, taking her in. She’s broken out a Chanel jacket, but she isn’t sure when she last washed these jeans. A real winning combo, her.

“But really,” Luke says, “you look miserable. Is it about what happened on Halloween?”

She shrugs. It isn’t not that. Percy’s words still circle through her head, his sad, defeated face as he bemoaned the, how did he put it? All the rich girls who fucked him to make a point. Made all the worse because she believes them. Probably not the same points as those princesses, but… probably not as different as she would like.

She wonders if Europe is full of very wealthy aristocratic women who are all secretly and shamefully still in love with Percy Jackson. And Frank Zhang.

It makes her feel hollow and nauseous all at once.

But she’s been feeling nauseous for weeks now, so at least it's not a new feeling. If it keeps up, she’s going to have to go to the doctor soon.

She hates going to the doctor. It feels like cheating when she just goes and pays and knows other people can’t. She had once lied to Thalia about getting money for a side gig, and then given her two hundred bucks for a trip to the clinic. Now that Annabeth has spent many hours in his cousin’s apartment, and has heard Nico talk about his yearly income on top of the money his dad gives him, she’s not sure how it came down to her.

“Not really,” Annabeth says, “I mean, I still feel just as terrible, but that’s mostly the problem. I feel sick.”

“It's been three weeks.” Luke looks genuinely concerned. “What’s going on?”

“I’m exhausted and nauseous all the time,” she says, groaning at the thought. She was okay right at this moment, but she knew it could come back at the drop of a hat.

Luke frowned at her. “That’s all?”

“Isn’t that enough?”

“I mean…” He looked at her, his eyes gazing lower, to her body. Luke had never really come on to her in any kind of real way. But she’s not sure he’s ever looked at her with less lust than he does right at that moment.

It is calculating. She’s gained some weight, she knows. But if Luke points it out, she’s going to kick him in the nuts with her steel toed boots. Or maybe make him explain himself and his relationship with Thalia.

“Annabeth,” Luke says, his voice lower, a frown on his face, “please don’t freak out.”

She can feel her heart pick up, just a bit. “That’s a terrible place to start.”

“Have you been feeling… emotionally volatile lately? Having a lot of mood swings?”

She frowns. She’d maybe been crying a little more than normal at sentimental hulu ads, but she always has a soft touch for that kind of thing, and she’s going through some stuff. “I don’t think you should ask a woman that.”

“You are really not going to like my next question, then.” He leans close and says, “Are your… breasts tender?”

“You’re right, I don’t like that question,” Annabeth says, crossing her arms over her chest. Even though they are. “I don’t know why you thought that, and how you knew.”

Luke looks at her with such pity, she feels like she’s suddenly eighteen years old again, and crying on his couch at the end of freshman year about the greatest heartbreak of her life. (It had moved to second place. Lucky it. The boy in that bar had only been theoretical, mostly.)

Luke reaches out, grasping one of her hands, and for a second, Annabeth is sure he is going to tell her that she’s dying.

“Have you considered you might be pregnant?”

She yanks her hand away. “I can’t be pregnant,” she says. “I haven’t had sex in weeks.”

“Have you had your period since then?” Luke asks.

“Not that it's any of your business,” she says, “but I haven’t had one in years.” They do talk about sex sometimes, but periods had long been off the Luke table.

Luke grimaces. “Well, you’ve been sexually active recently…”

“It’s been more than a month!”

“When did you start getting morning sickness?” Luke asks “You were throwing up at Halloween.”

“That wasn’t in the morning,” she snaps, “and I feel fine now.”

“You know morning sickness doesn’t just happen in the morning,” Luke says. “And with the rest of your symptoms, well--”

She shakes her head, glaring at Luke. His judgement would have been better than his patient mansplaining. “You think I don’t use birth control?”

Luke shrugs a little. “I mean… you’re… not great at things like daily medication. That’s what happened last time. And if a condom broke or you didn’t use one…”

Last time. Oh, last time. Last time had been the worst four hours of her life, in between realizing that she hadn’t been remembering her birth control pills every day, that her period was a few days late, and that she’d definitely been having unprotected sex with that boy in Luke’s cohort who was probably too old for her. Last time had been her having a panic attack on Luke’s Cambridge apartment couch while a very reluctant Leo was sent to buy a pregnancy test or twelve, and Piper reassuring her via speaker phone that it would be ok, while Luke rubbed her back and reminded her to breathe.

“I do remember what happened last time,” she says. “That’s why I got an IUD. Which, if you don’t know, from all your girlfriends' pregnancy scares, has the same failure rate as permanent sterilization, less than one percent. So…” So it would be okay. She couldn’t be pregnant. That’s why it had been okay for Percy and Annabeth to start fucking without a condom.

“When was the last time you got a new one?”

“August.” She says, thinking back. She was almost sure. “I remember because it was before the Eta thing--Leo called me to tell me about the ceremony while I was at the gyno.”

“So you were distracted and being a bad patient when they were trying to put it in?”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

But she won’t give Luke, of all people, the satisfaction. “They are professionals. They should know what they’re doing, even if I was on the phone.”

Luke gives her his most disappointed dad face. It is worse than Annabeth’s own father. “You’re the one who always tells me I need to not make people’s jobs harder by being a bad client,” he quietly reminds her.

She fucking hates him.

But despite herself, she pulls out her phone, and begins googling misplaced IUDs and pregnancy.

They haven’t even ordered yet, but Luke is already standing up, probably based on the look on her face as she manages to fight through the dyslexia and figure out what it says. “Come on,” he says, helping her out of her chair, even though she’s not an invalid. She just might be pregnant.

She pushes that thought away as she follows Luke into a cab and then up to his apartment. He makes her some tea and hands her a banana while he goes to get her a pregnancy test, because Luke’s not quite shameless enough to have one at home. She waits for him in a living room straight out of American Psycho and reads up on IUD pregnancy complications online. Which she probably should not have done.

By the time Luke gets back, she is crying again. He’s gotten her 3 tests, which is very considerate of him, as she’s going to need them.

Walking into the bathroom, she’s shaking hard enough that she needs to brace herself on the wall. He lets her use the nice one off his bedroom, though it's not like she needs the jacuzzi tub.

When she’s done peeing, she sets a timer on her phone and sits on Luke’s bed. He tries to speak to her several times. She doesn’t respond.

It isn’t the longest ten minutes of her life, because the truth is, she knows.

She already knows.

When the alarm goes off, she shrugs off Luke’s arm and silently walks back into the bathroom.

Luke got a digital readout, because what else was he going to do. And so she looks at the little screen and just barely processes the word pregnant.

She doesn’t need to take the other tests. She doesn’t need confirmation or to be convinced.

She reaches down and pressed on her lower abdomen, lifting her shirt. She had noticed a slight change. But she’d also changed a lot of her daily routine lately, had eaten a lot more ice cream. Right now, she can’t see any kind of bump, not really, but she can see a shift. Something flat gone fuller.

Annabeth is pregnant.

Annabeth is pregnant with Percy’s baby.

Percy’s baby.

She bursts into tears all over again.

An eternity later, there is a knock on the door.

“Annabeth,” Luke calls, “can I come in?”

She manages to choke out a yes.

Luke finds her sitting on the edge of the tub. He looked at the test still sitting on the counter.

“Let me make a call,” he says, sitting next to her, resting a hand on her arm. “I know a doctor. He can get you a pill or maybe even see you if you need it. Probably today or tomorrow. We can get this all taken care of and then I’ll buy you ice cream and we can watch Legally Blonde, and you can complain about how it doesn’t accurately reflect the admissions process.”

Normally Annabeth would pre-complain, and point out that given Elle’s GPA, LSAT, and extracurricular activities, she would have been a shoe in for her program, and the movie was dismissive of her prior academic achievement. But she’s too busy parsing what Luke is saying.

He squeezes her hand in support. “It's going to be okay,” he says, sweetly.

“No.” She says. But not because it won’t be okay. “No, I’m not going to have an abortion.”

“It's okay,” Luke promises. “I would never judge you. And no one else would ever have to know. This isn’t something you have to do.”

“I know that,” Annabeth says. “I don’t have to do anything.” She detangles her hand from Luke’s and rests it on her stomach, where her uterus waits under her skin. “I want to do this.”

Luke looks at her hand. “Poseidon Olympianides’ son?” he asks. “That’s the father?”

She nods.

Blowing out a breath through his teeth, he sighs. “Well, you’ll be able to get some good child support out of him at least. That family is loaded.”

“Don’t say that,” she nearly screams, and Luke actually jerks back a little. “He doesn’t have any money. He’s his dad’s bastard kid,” she says, feeling a little bad about revealing his family history, but knowing that the word would spark something in Luke. “I don’t know if I’m even going to tell him.”

It feels like something cheap and shallow, trapping a man with a lie, then a baby.

She’s still crying and tentatively, Luke reaches out and wraps his arms around her, pulls her to him.

“Come on,” he says, pulling her up. “You still need ice cream and a movie.”

Annabeth cries. And she doesn’t fight him, but it feels so strange. Half way through her Caramel Sutra and the Legally Blonde proshot, she realizes what’s different.

For the first time since Percy walked out of her apartment without a good-bye kiss, Annabeth Chase is happy.

She’s pregnant with Percy Jackson’s baby.

She’s going to have Percy Jackson’s baby.

She’s not sure if she’s ever heard anything as wonderful in her entire life.

And if she’s going to be worthy of it, worthy of her baby, then she’s going to have to get her shit together.

#my fic #ballet au #pjo #pjo fic #percabeth #percabeth fic #darkmagyk #perseannabeth #goooooooooooooooooooood morning all!

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nonbinary-octopus · 4 years

Text

Not Just the Two of Us Chapter 1: Confession

Summary: Roman's boyfriend is the best. Really. So why can't he shake this crush?

Wordcount: 1.7 K

A shoutout to @magpiemorality for the title! Thanks, Magpie!

[Masterpost]

[More of my writing]

~~~

“Okay,” Roman muttered to himself, getting the coffee grounds out and measuring careful, level scoops into the coffee machine — five scoops of the regular grounds and one scoop of the hazelnut ones, exactly how Logan liked it. “Best case scenario.” He took a deep breath. “Best case scenario. Logan isn’t upset. He tells me how to fix this. We move on, and it’s like nothing ever happened. It’s a… hm. It’s a one.” Roman poured the water into the machine and turned it on. “Worst case scenario.” He winced. “Logan immediately dumps me, and then he calls our friends and tells them and they friend-dump me, and I’m alone forever.” Roman grimaced and opened the freezer. “That’s a one too, though. Or less,” he added, getting out the box of frozen waffles. “Most likely scenario,” Roman continued, putting a waffle in each slot of the toaster and pushing the lever down. “Logan is hurt. But he thanks me for being honest and— and says it was brave of me to come to him with this. Then he tells me how to fix it, or we figure it out together, and then we put it behind us and move on. Not as if it never happened, but we’re still happy together. That’s a… an eight, at least. Maybe even a nine, but that’s pushing it.” Finally, Roman filled the teakettle with water and set it on the stove. He nodded to himself. Although there was still a ball of nervous energy resting in the pit of his stomach, he felt that he could do this. He got out a pair of mugs, putting a teabag in his and leaving Logan’s empty.

Logan came in just as the kettle began to sing. “Good morning, love,” he greeted.

“Good morning!” Roman answered, taking the kettle off the stove. As Logan crossed the kitchen, Roman poured hot water in his own mug and coffee into Logan’s. He passed it over, and Logan took a moment to observe as stars appeared on what had previously been a plain black mug. Roman bobbed his teabag up and down in the hot water, watching the color seep out.

“Something is on your mind,” Logan noted.

Roman nodded. “Mm-hm.”

“Care to tell me what it is?”

“Let me give you breakfast first.” Roman turned away, pulling the warm waffles from the toaster and placing them on a plate. He spread them with butter and Logan’s favorite jam, trying to calm his heart rate. It had spiked up again at the thought of what he had to confess.

When he turned back around, he thought he had himself under control. Logan had sat down at their small breakfast-nook table and was sipping his coffee. Roman sat down across from him with his tea and set the plate of waffles between them.

“Thank you,” Logan said fondly, picking up one waffle. Roman watched him take a bite, and as Logan chewed, Roman opened his mouth to confess.

“Let me preface this by saying that I love you,” Roman said. “I’ve never been happier than when I’ve been with you.”

“I love you too,” Logan answered sincerely. He didn’t ask what was wrong, and Roman appreciated that.

“I also want to say that it was an accident,” Roman added. “I didn’t mean to, and I was trying to fix it by myself, but I can’t, so I need your help. And I understand if you get upset, but please let me say my bit before you answer.”

Logan nodded seriously. He put the waffle and his coffee down, clasping his hands around the mug and giving Roman his full attention. “Alright.”

Roman took a deep breath. He’d rehearsed in his head what he wanted to say, and though he was feeling more than a little stage fright now that it came down to it, he remembered his lines. Quickly, almost rushing through the words, he said, “I have a crush. On someone else. I didn’t do it on purpose, and I haven’t acted on it, of course, and it doesn’t lessen the love I have for you in the slightest, but it’s there and I don’t know how to get rid of it.”

Roman finished abruptly, and silence hung between them for a few seconds as Logan first waited a moment to be sure Roman had finished speaking, and then processed what he had said.

“You have a crush on someone else,” Logan repeated. He didn’t sound upset, and not in his deliberately calm, upset-but-hiding-it sort of way that most people couldn’t tell from the real thing.

Roman nodded.

“And you wish to be rid of these feelings?”

“Yes!” Roman exclaimed. “Like I said, I’m very happy with you, and I don’t want to change that! I’ve been trying to be a good, faithful boyfriend and ignore the way I felt about Virgil, but the feelings only got stronger and stronger and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, one way to be rid of an unwanted attraction is to gain closure,” Logan said. “Attempting to wish feelings away can be unfruitful when some part of you, however small, believes that a relationship might be possible. By informing your crush of your feelings for them, and being told concretely that they do not reciprocate, you are emotionally freed to move on.”

“Does that work?”

Logan shrugged. “In theory. I tried it on you, and you immediately deviated from the conversation I had anticipated.”

Roman was stunned speechless for a few seconds. Finally, he said, “You asked me out so that I would reject you?”

“Actually, I did not ask you out at all,” Logan corrected. “I informed you of my feelings toward you, and then you asked me out.”

“Should I have not done that?” Roman asked, feeling worried all over again.

“On the contrary,” Logan assured him. “I quite prefer dating you over not dating you. I simply had not expected you to reciprocate my feelings. I was quite pleased to be proven wrong.”

“I didn’t,” Roman admitted. “I mean, I loved you, but in a friend way, not a gay way. I mean, I am gay, so everything I do is always gay, but I wasn’t in love with you yet. That started during our first date.”

“Oh,” Logan said. He tilted his head slightly to the side and raised his eyes, clearly thinking back to the beginning of their relationship.

“What should I do about my crush on Virgil?” Roman asked, pulling Logan out of his recollections. “I could try the get rejected plan, but what if he doesn’t?”

Logan returned the question. “What would happen if you told him you were in love with him, and he reciprocated?”

Roman frowned. “I am not going to cheat on you with one of our best friends,” he nearly snapped.

“I am not suggesting that you do so,” Logan answered calmly. “Roman, have you ever heard of polyamory?”

Roman thought about it, his frown lightening slightly. “No. What is it?”

“The word comes from the greek polús or poly, meaning ‘many,’ and the latin amor, meaning ‘love,’” Logan began, “and is defined as the practice of or desire for an intimate relationship with more than one partner, with the consent of all parties involved.”

Roman blinked. “You can do that?”

“Yes, so long as everyone involved is aware of and consents to the polyamorous status of the relationship. Without that, then it does become cheating, but with proper consent and communication, a polyamorous relationship can be just as healthy and happy as any other relationship.”

Roman thought he could see where Logan was going with this, but he didn’t quite want to say it out loud yet. Instead, he asked, “So like being in a couple, but there are three people instead of two? And they’re all dating each other?”

“Yes, that is one example of a polyamorous relationship,” Logan agreed, giving Roman a smile. “It’s called an equal triad. Another example involving three people is called a vee. Rather than all three partners dating each other, one is simultaneously dating the other two, who are not dating each other.”

“Wouldn’t they get jealous of each other, if they’re both dating the same person?”

“It is possible,” Logan said. “However, in a polyamorous relationship, the members make an effort to practice compersion rather than jealousy. That is, they recognize that their partner’s other partner brings them joy, and so they are glad for the happiness their metamor — that is, their partner’s partner — brings their mutual partner.”

Roman must have been making a confused face, because Logan changed tactics. “Consider it like this: I myself am neutral on most disney movies. However, I have a certain fondness for your collection, because they make you happy, and I like seeing you happy. I am not jealous of the love you bestow upon those films, but rather, I appreciate them for the joy they bring into your life. Similarly, were you to start dating Virgil — in a way that was polyamorous rather than cheating, of course — I believe that I would not be jealous of him either, or upset that I had to ‘share’ you, but pleased that you were feeling joy due to that relationship.”

“Oh.”

Logan gave Roman a very gentle smile. “Do you think that you would like to pursue a romantic relationship with Virgil?”

“I mean…” Roman hesitated. “Yeah? I think so? If… if you’re really okay with it…”

“I think you should ask him out.” Logan picked up his coffee again, taking a long sip. Roman was quiet, and Logan added, “You may want to take some time first to further sort out your feelings with this added information, and that is quite understandable. I know that this wasn’t the direction you expected this conversation to take. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.”

Roman nodded. “Thanks, Logan.”

“Any time, my love.”

Roman could feel himself blushing. To not have to say anything, he grabbed one of the waffles off the plate between them, taking a big bite.

~~~~~

Chapter 2: Making Plans

#original #my writing #sanders sides #my Sanders Sides writing #Not Just the Two of Us #eventually LAMP #polyamory #polysamderous #polyam #polyamsanders

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tema-makes-art-sometimes · 3 years

Note

002 | germano?

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

002 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when I started shipping it.

No idea but it was a long ass fuck time ago. Liked it for years but didn’t really start enjoying it until I started writing Romano myself.

my thoughts:

This ship makes me so genuinely happy man. I know GerCanMano is my flag ship but I love Germano just as much and I at least have a few crumbs of content for them instead of the other which has none. Germano just like-- Seeing Romano in a healthy relationship and seeing Germany happy makes me happy.

What makes me happy about them:

I’m not one for slow burns all the time but Germano to me is one of those slow burn romances I really enjoy. Romano is a sassy and salty flirtatious gentleman who keeps measuring himself up to the big broad and awkward-but-gold-at-heart class president who doesn't understand why the guy gets so upset around him and tries his best to remedy the smaller man’s anger.

The two just slowly developing, starting as rivals with Romano wanting the attention from his brother that Germany gets (and possibly the smallest bit of envy about measuring himself up to ger in macho-ness) and Germany just wanting to understand Romano and just like- how he ticks. Them slowly bonding over the simple things, realizing they both love mechanics and gardening and cooking. Romano being impressed at Germany’s baking (bonus points if say Vene has been bringing home baked goods for ages and he thought they were just from a bakery Vene liked but it was just Ger trying to get rid of the food hes stress baking) and Romano getting to show off his cooking skills. Romano feeling a bit of pride when he makes Germany laugh at some shitty joke or snarky comeback, he just hears that little wheeze or chuckle under Germany’s breath and knows he did that.

Romano having a whole I wont say I'm in love crisis when he realizes hes falling for Germany because sure hes cute and all but like what no. My Romano is very flirtatious but emotionally withdrawn he loves to flirt around but he doesn't actually think about long term relations cause he never expects people to care about him that way so falling for Ger throws him for a loop. But he knows he has to make some decision on it because he can’t get Germany out of his mind but the thought of Germany saying no scares him more than anything else ever has and the thought of breaking Germany's heart makes him more angry than he thought he’d ever feel

Meanwhile Germany is a mess because he has no idea what hes doing all he knows is that Romano’s smile makes him melt and every time he thinks of the future he thinks about the two of them passing tools to each other over the hood of a car and kneading foccacia together and hes doing all of the research he can to try and perfectly convey how he feels and it only works when he for once throws out his plan and just speaks from his heart and stops over thinking everything. And its wholesome and personal and cute and Romano starts crying halfway through which freaks Germany out cause he doesn't want to force anything and oh god did i make you uncomfortable but before he can apologize and backpedal Romano just grabs him by the shirt and pulls him down into a smooch and for once in his life Roma doesn't instinctively jump and when someone reaches out to hug him.

What makes me sad about them:

That they get sidelined for other ships and that people cannot have Germany or Romano exist in a narrative without Veneziano having something to do with it.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

People assuming Germany and Romano would be abusive with one another because Romano acts snappy and dismissive around him when in reality he does the same exact behavior to literally everyone else; America, Spain etc. But Germany is the one that’s abusive, and not the others. Germany’s never been shown to hate Romano, confused and rolling his eyes at his insults sure but never hatred.

A lot of people take this in the direction that they hate or abuse each other or worse, like Germany would cheat and use both brothers. Which is just not true, let alone Romano is too much of a blunt mother fucker to let it happen. He wouldn’t take that. Being used or measured second to his brother is so common to him you think he would just lay down and let that happen? No. And Germany isn’t the sleep around without a care or being in a relationship with two people because he can’t decide which he likes more type the guys a romance moron he doesn’t know how to date one man let alone commit adultery.

Which sucks because things like the chauffeur strips show that Romano and Germany are on at least amicable if not friendly terms, Romano is just being Romano, he does the same pissy but nice energy that he does to Spain and America to Germany. And there’s so much there that could be played with, of Romano being reassured by Germany that he’s not this evil bad boy in fact his brother can be worse than he is, and Germany would know Vene has been attached to his side for ages he would know Vene at his worse. Romano showing off to Germany, impressing him that yes Romano can in fact work hard when he wants to and feels inclined to. Which would gain him respect from Germany because he’s so used to doing it himself it’s always a pleasant surprise when people help him or don’t leave him to do everything.

But often in fics this is squandered for the whole ‘Germany’s married to Vene but he’s in love with Romano oh no conflict drama’ and they never make him choose. Or worse he has him two time one and then the other which just isn’t even fucking in character. 90% of the fics I’ve found on AO3 have the under current of how does their relationship effect Vene, how does Vene feel about it or how is he involved and it’s so stupid. It’s only ever done with Romano, never to Vene, Romano is always treated like an extra or an asset to Veneziano and its never the other way around. People don’t write Gerita fics and have the whole story about how Romano feels about it.

Germany’s feelings toward Vene can easily be stated in that ‘he’s just my friend’ it’s so simple but instead often its paragraphs on paragraphs of Germany grappling with his feelings for both and I’m just not interested. If I wanted to read about Germany’s feelings toward Italy, I’d read a Gerita fanfiction. Also you can’t tell me that if Vene found out about the two being interested or even one of them being interested in the other he wouldn’t start playing matchmaker he absolutely would. Hell if you want that “conflict” have Vene be jealous he’s petty enough to do that!

I’m willing to take the L on this and admit I just have higher standards, but I just want a fic that has them in a relationship from the start or they build up to it but not have the fic end the moment they get together or have their first date. One that doesn’t focus on a side plot about Vene and Germany’s feelings toward Vene. Where they just get to be wholesome together, piece their feelings apart together, and develop their love for each other together.

TLDR: I’m very salty about Germano getting the short end of the stick and want to see more sweet domestic germano.

Things I look for in fanfic:

For it to exist and for it not to be a vector to talk about Veneziano’s opinions on their relationship. I just want wholesome content of Germany and Romano building a relationship or a life together, AU or Canonverse wise. The cute dates, working on cars together, gardening, baking and cooking-- Germany playing piano or flute while Romano sings. Them dancing together. Romano taking Germany out to tour and sight see. Romano forcing Germany to cuddle with him in front of the fireplace if they go up during winter to his place cause he hates the cold and his block of a boyfriend is very warm.

My happily ever after for them:

I don’t really think about happily ever afters for them cause as nations their lives move on, they can’t really have kids but they can live together, work together, love together and honestly that’s enough for me.

My kinks:

These will be below the cut, because of ns//fw mentions.

(general sex discussion, bd//m discussion, toys and other such ns//fw things.)

Romano is a bottom little pillow princess but despite that he has the most control in the bedroom. Germany doesn’t lack interest but when it comes to instigation it’s fewer and far between, Romano has more of a sex drive than him. Germany’s more into kinks than Romano, but he has trouble being confident enough to do it so Romano is often baiting him into it. He’s a brat who wants to be tamed and Germany doesn’t mind Romano being rough with him and vice versa.

Romano’s more used to rough and tumble, so when Germany is very slow soft and sincere he gets flustered really fast and can fall apart a lot quicker. He also will cry when Germany compliments him too much early in the relationship. They have a lot of safe words at Germany’s request so if either of them get too overwhelmed they have a safe out and will just vibe and cuddle until the other feels better enough to continue.

Romano will give Germany is rope bunny fantasies every once and a while and tie him up, he’s not into much more than handcuffs and collars but Germany enjoys it so he doesn’t mind. He loves when he can convince Germany into roleplay and let Germany get into a more confident ‘character’. His favorite things are bites and blowjobs. Leaving Germany covered in red marks and scratches is his favorite and he loves the rare sight of Germany squirming under him.

Germany loves to body worship Romano, and messages all of the messages. Romano doesn’t like Germany dragging it out but sometimes he can’t help himself cause he just loves how pretty Romano his and he wants to just touch him all over. He loves when Romano plays with his hair (at least in the bedroom), and since Romano is way more vocal than he is he loves coaxing little sounds out of him through different touches and kisses.

#germano #hws #hws germany #hws romano

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jamaisvuandyou · 3 years

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Please Dry My Eyes: Part 6

Description: Jin, Hoseok, and Yoongi have had a running streak of bad luck, but Jin isn’t sure what to make of this one: His old friend’s trickery that leads to him being the new father of a little toddler, Jeon Jungkook.

Posted: 02/6/2021

WARNING: Mentions of death

Angst/Fluff: 2,846 words

A/N: Welp.

Previous Part. Next Part.

The one thing they dared not do at this exact moment was take Jimin away from Jungkook. He was distracted. He was happy. He wasn’t sobbing pitifully into Jin’s shoulder.

Jin had finally been able to take a shower, and put on a dry shirt. Not because he wasn’t expecting more tears, but because it made him feel better to get a dry shirt.

Hoseok was distracting both of them with some sort of silly song time, and the babies were laughing more than singing, but that was good. That was progress.

Yoongi was working on paperwork with Namjoon, so once Jin was finished with his shower, he went to make lunch for all of them. Something that would be easy to feed the boys while some trivial kids show played on the TV because today, of all days, was a cheat day.

“Yoongi,” He whispered, leaning on the table so that the two men seated there could hear him better. “We need kids DVDs. ASAP.”

Yoongi glanced down at the paperwork, then at Namjoon, before looking confusedly up at Jin. “Now? Why?”

“Because, we don’t have cable and we don’t have any other TV watching things, I barely remembered to get the internet installed here, and I am not trying to wrangle two emotionally unstable children for lunch when the rest of us are feeling emotionally unstable without some sort of distraction for said children,” Jin said, putting money on the table. “Take Namjoon if you need to. I’m assuming you’re staying for lunch.”

Namjoon sort of bobbed his head, a little shy. “Yeah, sorry, there’s a lot of paperwork and I thought it might be better for me to stick around and help a bit with Jimin the way he is.”

“That’s fine. Great even. Hope you like kids food. Shoo, off to the nearest store or resale shop or something.” Jin pulled both of them up by the arm. “You’ve been doing paperwork for three hours. Think of it as a coffee break, but without the coffee.”

Both of them headed for the front door, putting on their shoes to go on the trivial errand.

Jin got everything ready for when he was actually going to make lunch, then checked on Hobi and the boys again, trying to buy some time for Yoongi and Namjoon to get the required materials, and cleaned up the house a little bit since it was just short of a disaster thanks to the mess of a morning.

Lunch was almost ready when Namjoon and Yoongi returned, a few bags in tow.

Jin eyed them as he portioned out more sliced grapes. “Um….”

Yoongi held up his hands. “We went to the resale shop. It was the closest store, and we did get movies, though the quality of them is…questionable, but they had some of their toys on sale and I know that Jungkook likes the puzzles and Jimin looked like he liked books so….”

Jin nodded. “That’s fine. It’s a good idea for us to check out what they have for kids clothing-wise too. What DVDs did you get?”

“Well, we found some VHS tapes, and I remembered that ours still worked so I grabbed Cinderella, Rugrats—whatever that is, and The Lion King.”

“Let’s save Lion King for when they’re much, much older,” Jin said, thinking it would be a bad idea to show toddlers who recently lost their parents a movie where the father dies. Heck, who was he kidding, he didn’t think he could watch it.

“Right…um, well, DVD’s were even more scarce, but we found a couple DVDs of Veggietales—which I’ve never heard of, but they look pretty harmless and it is marked as having won a parent’s choice award so it’s got to be decent—Lyle the Kindly Viking, and The End of Silliness. Then there was Curious George and a Barbie movie. And the lady said we were lucky to find most of these.” Yoongi showed him the DVDs.

Jin grabbed one of the ones he hadn’t heard of, scanning over the back and then shrugging. “Let’s try one of these new ones, I guess. If it’s too bad we’ll switch to Curious George. Meantime, I’m going to look it up.”

“Already doing that,” Namjoon said. “Oh. I mean, they are Christian influenced…but definitely kids and…” He trailed off as he saw the look on Jin’s face. “Vegetables singing and acting out stories, sounds like a great distraction for the kids.”

Jin nodded. “I will take anything at this point. I’m not about to get picky on a day like today. There’s a lot of christian crap that’s secular enough to pass as not christian and at least we don’t have to worry about someone dying. And this one says it’s mostly songs from the show. Songs are good. Do you hear them singing?”

“Jin didn’t get as much sleep as you’d have thought,” Yoongi muttered to Namjoon, gently tugging him away.

Namjoon nodded, retreating with Yoongi with the DVDs to get it set it up.

Jin rubbed his forehead and finished plating it up. He didn’t have to patience to contemplate religions or whatever. He needed distractions for toddlers and they wouldn’t even really remember this. It would not be a formative memory. As long as it distracted his kids and didn’t trigger them, it could be any religion, any language, any content. He wouldn’t care until he’d slept a full night, and he had to care about their formative memories. He would figure it out then.

Just one of many meals that would blend into nothing in the minds of the infants.

And he wouldn’t have to contemplate what sort of language would be acceptable in his house for another day.

He would have to look into shows for the kids though, and get either a streaming service or a lot of DVDs.

But the four men got the two infants settled in front of the TV with their lunch.

Yoongi and Namjoon went back to their paperwork about halfway through.

But Hoseok, bless him, kept the kids invested in the show while also getting food in them. He had them dancing to a few of the songs.

And Jungkook kept watching even though he did give up on dancing to sit on Jin’s lap.

It wasn’t until it ended that Jimin seemed to calm down and remember.

He stood in the middle of the living room, hands at his sides, staring at the credits as they rolled. “Eomma,” he whispered.

Jin gently deposited Jungkook onto Hoseok’s arms, then crouched beside Jimin.

Jimin looked at him, then sighed and wrapped his arms around Jin’s neck, burying his face.

Jin held him carefully, lifting him and just holding him against his shoulder. There was a certain amount of fear inside of him: fear of Jimin becoming too attached to them, fear of letting Jimin go….

Jimin sniffled lightly.

“Well, baby,” Jin whispered. “It’s going to be long ride, but I’ve got strong shoulders. I can hold you as long as you need me too.”

As Jin sat down, Hoseok snuggled closer and rest his head on Jin’s shoulder so that Jungkook could rest on his shoulder but seemed to be satisfactorily close to Jin.

“Nice wide shoulders,” Hoseok murmured.

Jimin studied them a little bit, then reached out a hand.

Jungkook innocently took it, then closed his eyes.

Jimin smiling a bit through his quiet little tears and soft sniffles, and closing his eyes as well.

Jin watched both of the little ones until they seemed to be asleep. “Let’s put them to bed for their nap.”

Hoseok sighed. “Two more minutes.”

“No, two more minutes and we’ll both be asleep. Come on. Give me Jungkook. They’re sharing a bed. Yoongi, you took a picture, right?”

“I’m not stupid.”

Jin and Hoseok maneuvered Jungkook onto Jin’s other shoulder, then Hoseok helped Jin get up.

The toddlers barely stirred when Jin lay them down.

“For someone who supposedly hasn’t worked with kids that much, you’re doing really well,” Namjoon said quietly. “And I’m sorry about questioning you earlier on the dvds. You have every right to decide what is and isn’t okay in your house. And you were right. It was harmless.”

Jin waved them all out, closing the door for now. “Religions…are complicated, but I know a lot of religions have higher censorship, which means they’ll be more…friendly for kids who have been traumatized like mine have. Supposedly, anyway. I’m still going to screen a bunch of stuff before I let them watch it, but tonight it was desperate measures. They’ll be able to choose what they want to believe.”

Yoongi nodded. “I went to catholic school. It wasn’t all bad.”

Namjoon shrugged a bit. “Sorry. I’m an atheist, so…I didn’t think about your perspective on it.”

“Now you know my perspective on it. I’m not really religious or anything, I don’t have a set of beliefs, but if they decide they want to pursue any sort of religion, I’m not going to stop them…unless I think it’s a cult, then I’m probably going to lock them in the basement and try to talk sense to them.”

“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say lock them in the basement and just roll with the talk sense to them, but yeah. I get it. Like I said, you were right. I’m sorry. But…did you really just call both of them your kids?” Namjoon was smiling.

Jin stared at the social worker, trying to remember what he had said.

Yoongi and Hoseok were smiling as well.

“I’m a duck,” Jin muttered. “A damn duck. I’ve imprinted. What the hell.”

Yoongi sputtered behind him.

Hoseok was make a lot of choked laughing noises as he followed Jin into the bedroom.

Jin changed into sweats, and stared at himself for far too long in the mirror, zoned out while trying to figure out when he’d subconsciously decided that Jimin was his now and that was such a dangerous thing to think.

Yoongi was sitting on the edge of the bed when he came out of the bathroom, but Hoseok was under the covers. “Namjoon left.”

“Right. Okay.”

“He said he’d see about trying to keep Jimin with us.”

“Right,” Jin repeated intelligently. He climbed under the covers, just waiting for Hoseok to get comfortable cuddling with him.

“Jungkook’s doing really well with him, and Jimin seems to really love Jungkook,” Hoseok whispered, holding his hand out for Yoongi to cuddle with them. “Actually, I’ve never seen Jungkook so…so….”

“Pacified? Independent? Detached from Jin?” Yoongi offered as he moved to spoon Hoseok, sandwiching the youngest in the middle. “Yeah, I think having another kid might be good for Jungkook, but we’ll still have to watch carefully over the next few days.”

Jin nodded, closing his eyes.

“But hey, we discovered that music is a good distraction for them. That’s good, you know?”

“True. And we found out that a desperate Jin doesn’t give a—”

“Language,” Jin grumbled, reaching out blindly and gently hitting at whatever his hand reached.

Soft chuckles were the response, then they all fell quiet, falling into a well-earned nap.

–

Previous. Next.

Masterlist.

#pleasedrymyeyes series #bts #bts fic #bts fanfic #baby bangtan #adoption au #jin #jimin #jungkook #yoongi #hoseok #namjoon #seokjin #suga #parent au

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isthatacalzone · 5 years

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i have this whole theory that klaus is one of the only (living) hargreeves kids who actually made an attempt to process the abuse that good old reggie put them through as children, and a LOT of it comes from the fact he’s been in rehab multiple times. klaus talks like he’s been through some pretty intense therapy that’s actually made a difference to him, and IN THIS ESSAY I WILL PROVE IT (or uh, try to) so buckle up kids cause it’s gonna be a long one

(continued below because when i say essay i mean essay)

stay with me here for a bit: klaus seems to be the only one of the siblings who actively and regularly acknowledges how much of an abusive prick their father was. think about how everyone reacts when it comes to him:

luther spent the most time with their father, was so close to him that he never got the space and time to realise just how much of a monster he truly was. it also means luther inherited a lot of their father’s traits (i’m just saying, the dude found out that he had been lied to maybe two days before everything happened with vanya and allison, of course he’s going to react the way he does when pogo tells him all about how dangerous vanya’s powers are. no one else’s opinion ever mattered before, he’s not gonna learn how to listen first in two goddamn days) and ONLY JUST started to understand that their father was a fucking monster

diego is just angry. angry at the way their father treated him (and i think it’s mostly about him, and maybe grace), angry that he was never good enough to be number one, that he could never curry the same favour with him like luther could, that he was made to feel weak all his life. why do you think he still goes out and fights crime? sure, it’s all he’s ever known, but i wouldn’t be surprised if a part of him was still trying to prove to dear old dad that he was fast enough, brave enough, strong enough to save lives (”saving lives, baby”) or yknow, fuck it, the world??

allison deferred any resentment she felt and got validation through stardom. she filled every hole she had with whatever she felt like she wanted because she knew she could get it. i dunno if allison’s actually processed what reginald put her through, because really we don’t know much about how he taught her, but we know what it made her become, and it took losing her husband and her daughter to make her realise just how terrible she’s been her whole life. interestingly, it doesn’t seem like she ever blames reginald for this, only herself, and is trying to be better because of that. perhaps allison doesn’t realise just how much of an influence he had on making her who she is?

five is interesting. he had the least amount of time with dad as That Fateful Day took place when he was thirteen, but at that point the seeds of distrust had already been sewn. would five have tried to jump to the future so prematurely if his father hadn’t basically goaded him? daddy hargreeves pretty obviously bolstered five’s ego (”hey five cheated!” “he adapted!”) but had no idea how to reign him in, humble him so that he’d WANT to learn more. reginald was all about power and control. he LOVED pushing the kids to get them to be as powerful as they could be, but it had to happen at HIS pace. five probably never considered how much fucking up his father did in just that period of time, because most of his goddamn trauma came from finding his siblings dead in the wreckage of his home in the midst of the goddamn apocalypse, and then proceeded to LIVE THERE on his own for forty five goddamn years. of course he doesn’t think it matters (”who cares if dad messed us up?” uh, i do five, i do), with him there’s always been something else far more important to care about, but he never got the chance to grow the hell up and understand his emotions. five may technically be 58 but his physical body better represents his emotional age, lbr.

(i’m not actually gonna talk about ben here because i think he’s probably the most emotionally mature out of all of them and i’m 99% sure that’s because he’s been dead for like a decade)

and vanya. vanya literally in the second episode says “i used to see someone” (which is such a loaded line like, “used to”, why not anymore? for how long did she see this mythical therapist?) but if anything’s true about vanya it’s that she never processed the trauma, she just shut down. she never got over the way her father isolated her from everyone (which, as we all know, had WAAAY more layers than we ever could have seen coming from the first few episodes), never got over the fact she was always the outsider from her siblings. she has no relationships, doesn’t push herself or strive for anything because she doesn’t think she’s worth it. it takes one guy with a couple well placed lines to get her to fall in love because that’s all she ever wanted. and even though allison (god BLESS her heart) tries so fucking hard to get through to her, there’s too many years worth of eyerolls, dismissive glances, and “go away vanya”s for her to really start to trust her. if vanya had legitimately taken the time to understand her trauma properly, i feel like she would also have been able to understand that daddy dearest fucked the rest of them up in equal measure.

all of that leads me onto my main point: klaus. the thing that really stood out for me whenever klaus talked about their father was how he always held him accountable for all the bullshit that he put not just klaus, but ALL of them through (”he was always in here, planning his next torment”). sure, there’s hatred there, and anger just like diego, but klaus talks about the abuse with an element of compassion for himself and his siblings that his siblings do not seem to have. he’s the only one who actively refers to him as a monster (”thank christ he’s not our real father so we couldn’t inherit those cold, dead eyes!!”), and actually seems to want to hold him accountable. i turn you toward the beautiful scene in the day that was when he talks to daddy hargreeves as an example:

klaus starts the conversation pretty irreverent “i was beside myself with grief!” at which point reginald calls him out, “you were poisoning yourself” (the only thing reggie gets any points for in this conversation is seeming vaguely sad that klaus is an addict, but even then... it’s his fault... soooooo)

klaus comes to play at this point. “oh right, well, yeah, you had nothing to do with it. locking me in a mausoleum with corpses when i was 13? no, you’re right, it’s irrelevant.” i’m gonna come back to this, because it’s a big part of the inspiration for this post.

reggie spends a lot of the rest of this conversation defending himself. “you children like to blame everything on me”, to which klaus immediately replies, “well, you were a sadistic prick, not to mention the world’s worst father”

at every opportunity he calls his father out on his behaviour. reggie starts goading him for being afraid of his power (which, yknow, screw you reggie) and klaus immediately rebuttals with “y’know i suggest you get down off your high horse there, dear papa. you never had our best interests at heart, look at your precious number one. luther found all the unopened letters he’d sent you. he knows that you sent him up to the moon for nothing.” i love this line, because not only do we see that klaus has this deep understanding of how his father screwed him up, he’s outright calling dear old papa out for the shit he pulled on his siblings too.

reggie pauses here, and for a moment seems legitimately remorseful (which, if you watch the scene, completely catches klaus of guard. god, i love robert sheehan he plays this whole thing to perfection), saying “yes, that was foolish of me”, before continuing, “i should have burned it all.”

at which point klaus laughs. “that’s your takeaway?” he says, somehow still astounded that his father could surprise him with how little he cared after all this time. “oh wow, yeah of course it is.”

also please note that reginald gets much more forceful with moving klaus’ head around in order to shave the other side of his face at this point which i could write a whole other post about but that’s for another day because this essay is already too goddamn long

anyway, astonishingly reginald at this point asks “is he okay?” to which klaus rightly responds, “do you care?”, which first of all, stab me in the heart right now, but also speaks to something true in all of them: they all wanted their father to love them, and klaus is actively trying to find SOMETHING to redeem him by, something that would stop him being such a monster in his mind. well, maybe not redeem, but understand.

reggie pulls his usual excuse “it was to prepare you, all of you, for something bigger than yourselves” (which is a HUGE LINE BY THE WAY OH MY GOD) “you never understood that” (yh uhhh whose fault is that dingbat)

klaus takes control of the shave at this point, grabbing his father’s hand as a tear slips down his face (seriously you guys, the power play in this scene it’s fucking masterful and also it’s legitimately making me cry thinking about it) and manages to choke out, “we were just kids. little kids”.

i really think klaus is desperately trying to get his father to admit he should have been better to them. he really has nothing to lose at this point, he’s just looking for closure. and in a way he gets it, but not the way he wants as reginald replies “you were never just kids. you were meant to save the world.”

(i think that might be the first moment in his whole life that klaus truly understands his father)

what’s my point? imagine any of the other siblings in this scene. imagine luther in this scene. how quickly do you think reginald would have been able to shut down any of luther’s questions? diego would have just tried to fight him; no way he ever would have listened to anything he had to say. i can’t even imagine how allison would have talked to him. five wouldn’t give two shits about getting to know their father again, he’d just want answers. and vanya? actually yknow what him talking to vanya could be very interesting but i digress.

i honestly believe klaus is the only one who had the emotional maturity to be able to navigate talking to their father, the only one who could call him out on his shitty ass behaviour but still come better to understanding him on a truly compassionate level. he cries when he realises his father killed himself so they’d all get back together. would any of the rest of them manage to move past their feelings of hatred for papa hargreeves and actually understand - not only understand, but empathise - with him while still maintaining that they deserved better?

i really believe that comes straight from all the years in and out of rehab. sure, rehab didn’t actually help klaus get clean - i don’t know what rehab or therapy could help you deal with dead people constantly demanding your attention all the time - but my understanding (and this is where i am happy to be corrected as i have no personal experience with this at all) is that a big part of rehab is therapy. heck, in the flashback scenes when we see when all the siblings are reading vanya’s book, he’s literally sitting in group therapy. klaus has WAAAY more practice in actually talking about his feelings and i don’t care how resistant to it he might have been, you go in and out of those spaces for long enough, something will stick. (nb: as i’m writing this, yknow who he reminds me of? gary king. if you haven’t seen the world’s end, please watch it, i think you’ll understand what i mean.)

this is not to say klaus is in any way perfect. he’s still as flawed and fucked up as the rest of them, but in terms of actually understanding his trauma? he’s strides ahead of the rest of them.

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hollygoeslightly · 5 years

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Sidney Parker - Insensible of Feeling

I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that Sidney Parker has proven to be a fairly divisive character among the Sanditon audience, and while I can understand that for some he is a challenging character to like and understand, Sidney has very quickly become my favourite male Austen protagonist (Sorry Wentworth, we had a good run).

Like all of Austen’s body of work, Sanditon is a study on first impressions and the dangers inherent in assumptions. So it comes as no surprise to anyone with even a cursory knowledge of Austen that Charlotte’s first impression of Sidney is of a man who appears entirely unknowable. However, as Mr Heywood explicitly warns his daughter (and the audience) at the beginning of the series, first impressions cannot be relied upon when judging the true character of a person.

Unfortunately, we are given very little to go on apart from our first impression of Sidney in the first half of the series. Like Charlotte, we are left increasingly confounded as to what motivates Sidney as a character and how his narrative fits within the broader strokes of the series as a whole. That is until 1x06 (which is basically a Sidney Parker cheat sheet), where Sidney’s motivations are laid bare and Charlotte realises the man she has accused of being unfeeling is actually motivated by his desire for love (I know, I know, but hear me out).

However, before I delve into how Sidney’s desire for love is the motivating factor in everything he does, it’s important to understand who Sidney was prior to his broken engagement with Eliza. Taking into account his siblings, I think it’s safe to assume that Sidney was most likely a confident and easy going young man, very similar to Arthur and Tom (without the hypochondria and a flaming case of being The Worst). As @fortunatelylori mentions in her fantastic analysis of Sidney in 1x07 here, Sidney would have most likely have fallen madly in love with Eliza with all the enthusiasm pertaining to youth, making her less than desirable traits easy to overlook. But then Eliza broke their engagement, Sidney’s heart, and left him for an older, and most importantly richer, man.

When questioning Tom about Sidney’s broken engagement in 1x06, Charlotte learns that Sidney became self-destructive to the point that his family were deeply concerned. Which makes it clear just how badly Sidney took the broken engagement. For Sidney, Eliza didn’t just leave him for another man, she also rejected everything that he was (way to catastrophise there, buddy). In his eyes, Eliza had measured his worth and found him wanting.

So how does Sidney cope with Eliza’s betrayal? He emotionally disconnects. He decides that love is not to be trusted and to protect himself from ever being hurt again, he becomes an outlier, someone who engages with life with as little cost to his own feelings as possible. For all his brusqueness, Sidney is a romantic at heart. He wants a wife and a family of his own, he wants to love and in return be loved for who is. Which is why it’s so heartbreaking that he chooses to go against his truest nature. Instead of engaging in life, being emotionally vulnerable and risk being hurt, he tells himself not only does he no longer desire love, he is not worthy of that love to begin with.

It’s no coincidence that when Georgiana is kidnapped in 1x06, she is held in the brothel that Sidney once frequented following his broken engagement. Where else would a man in Sidney’s position go when he still secretly desires love, but refuses to risk his heart once again? When Charlotte asks him whether his idea of love is, “something to be paid for,” she isn’t speaking to the man that returned from Antigua, but that man he was before he left. Sidney’s heated response is enough to suggest that while he may no longer think that way, he certainly did at the time. It’s important to note, that I don’t believe that Sidney is proud of his behaviour during his downward spiral. When Sidney tells Tom in 1x06 that Georgiana’s father saved his life, I don’t believe he’s talking literally. Only that without Mr Lambe, he would have continued his dissent into a life of drinking, gambling and women, without regard for himself or his loved ones.

In understanding how Eliza’s rejection impacted on who Sidney fundamentally was, it’s easy to see how Sidney became the man Charlotte meets at the beginning of the series. While he is no longer the broken man he was before he left for Antigua, he is still emotionally disconnected and living on the periphery of his own life.

While it is clear Sidney loves his family, he maintains a distant relationship with his Arthur and Diana and a strained relationship with Tom. Sidney wants to be loved and accepted for who is he and bucks against Tom’s demands, because he feels used for his connections to society’s upper class. While I have no doubt Tom partly desires Sidney’s involvement in the promotion of Sanditon for that very reason, Sidney’s distrust of love means that he never considers that Tom seeks his involvement because he loves and trusts Sidney and wishes to spend time with his brother. Sidney also abdicates responsibility for his ward’s care to other people, because he does not wish to become emotionally involved and risk possible hurt and disappointment. Even his friendship with Babington and Crowe is superficial and described as “work” (though Sidney and Babington’s love of opinionated, stubborn and feisty women seems to have brought them closer).

Charlotte is not wrong when she calls Sidney an “outlier” in 1x06. His family and friends have allowed Sidney’s emotional disconnect to go unchecked, perhaps because they know the consequences of Eliza’s betrayal and have seen him at his very worst. However, Charlotte is not bound by a shared past. She continuously demands that Sidney do better, because she knows he is capable, and in demanding he participate she highlights what his disconnect has cost – his best and truest self. And the best and truest version of Sidney is one who loves, who emotionally engages with his life and the people around him and who accepts love, because he knows he is worthy of it (check out @fortunatelylori‘s amazing meta on Charlotte and Sidney’s carriage conversation here).

Which is why Sidney’s conversation with Tom following his rescue of Georgiana is so interesting. As usual, Tom continues to be The Worst, attempting to absolve Sidney’s role in Georgiana’s abduction, because he himself wishes to be absolved of his own mistakes. However, Sidney refuses to allow Tom to paint him as blameless – he was her guardian and by going against his deepest desire for love, he failed to take responsibility for her care, which was a big factor in her near ruination. When Sidney asks “how can a man begin to make amends until he is willing to face his own faults?” he is not just talking about Georgiana, but his unwillingness to put himself on the line for his brother and admit to his love for Charlotte. I think Sidney was attracted to Charlotte from the beginning, but found his feelings for her an inconvenience. His harsh treatment of her, his continued dismissal of all her best qualities, was a way to hold her at arm’s length, to prevent an emotional connection. So when Sidney admits that he would “do anything” for a marriage like Tom and Mary’s, it is not simply a way to encourage Tom to make amends, but is Sidney finally acknowledging his deepest desire is for love and once again participating in his life.

And that, my friends, is why Sidney Parker has become my favourite male Austen protagonist. Because here is a man, a true, dyed in the wool romantic, who has denied himself love out of hurt and fear, making the decision to risk his heart once again. Not only out of love for our plucky heroine, but because the cost of not living life as his best and truest self has been too great. In a world where being your true self is a quiet revolution all of its own, Sidney Parker being his truest self is nothing short of amazing.

#sanditon #jane austen #sidney parker #charlotte heywood #theo james #sanditon meta #mine

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amma-castaignede · 3 years

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ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Amélie Sylvie Castaignède

Nickname: Amma

Birthday: January 31, 1995

Age: 25

Gender: Female.

Place of Birth: London, United Kingdom

Places Lived Since: London, United Kingdom; Oxford, UK

Current Residence: London, United Kingdom

Nationality: British & French

Parents: Emanuel & Colette Castaignède

Grandparents: François Castaignède (grandfather, paternal) Marie Castaignède (grandmother, paternal, deceased) Henri de la Croix (grandfather, maternal) Ava de la Croix (grandmother, maternal)

Aunts & Uncles: n/a

Number of Siblings: one brother, Mathis Castaignède

Relationship With Family: Amélie is incredibly close to her family, particularly her older brother. Or at least she had been. He was the one person who could draw her out of her shell, her family home the place where she felt safest and most able to be herself. They were happy, once. Her parents were devoted but not overbearing, encouraging of their children. Mathis was the golden boy, outgoing and athletic but always went out of his way to encourage and include his painfully shy sister. After he pulled away, the relationship has become colder and her parents have essentially purged him from the house leaving his bedroom locked in some sort of half mad shrine or perhaps a tomb. Her father is quicker to snap, her mother to cry, and Amélie has withdrawn back into herself.

Happiest Memory: On her fourteenth birthday Mathis convinced her to skip out of school for the afternoon, the only time she’d ever dabbled in truancy. They went to see a movie, to her favorite cafe, and then on a long walk in the rare January sunshine. It was a perfect day.

Childhood Trauma: Crippling shyness, few close friends, the loss of her brother.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5'4”

Weight: 120lbs.

Build: Slim, lithe ballet athletic, surprisingly strong.

Hair Color: dirty blonde

Usual Hair Style: a messy bun held by a velvet scrunchie or half up half down

Eye Color: Blue grey

Glasses? Contacts?: reading glasses when she gets tired or works into the night. She doesn’t wear them as often as she should.

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): Oversized sweaters and mom jeans, blazers over tailored slacks when she needs to dress up more. Big ‘dark academia’ vibes as she tends to stay away from bright colors or things that would draw attention. She usually doesn’t wear particularly revealing or form fitting clothing.

Typical Style of Shoes: mostly ballet flats or boots, heels only on very special occasions.

Jewelery? Tattoos? Piercings?: She has both her ears pierced and no tattoos. She wears simple studs in her ears, a small gold cross necklace, and an apple watch with a pale pink band, other jewelry only when dressing up.

Scars: no physical ones, only emotional

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: Amélie has a particular speech pattern taught by a well meaning child psychiatrist in an attempt to overcome her shyness. She constantly has a notebook and tends to write down observations as they occur to her and has an annoying habit of tapping her pen when thinking.

Athleticism: Amélie is a classically trained ballet dancer, it's something that she excels at but did not wish to pursue professionally. She still practices as almost a meditation in control and discipline and is thus surprisingly strong for her size and look.

Health Problems/Illnesses: Social anxiety and depression

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: Degree in journalism from Oxford

Languages Spoken: English and French

Level of Self-Esteem: It tanked when Mathis left as he’d always been the one to encourage her. She feels better about herself when she has a goal, something she can achieve and point to.

Gifts/Talents: Writing, ballet, making herself invisible. She also has an incredible memory from listening more than talking.

Mathematical?: Not particularly but she was tenacious enough to work at it in school.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: She likes to think its logic, but recently her choices have been much more emotionally influenced although she will find a way to logic through them.

Life Philosophy: Anything can be done if you have enough dedication.

Religious Stance: Catholic, it is something she clings to out of habit mostly

Cautious or Daring?: Hella fucking cautious, but once committed to something she will do whatever it takes but always plans things through

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: The mortifying ordeal of being perceived, her brother

Optimist or Pessimist?: Pessimist but stubborn and committed to changing what she can.

Extrovert or Introvert?: Introvert

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: a very single and shy pringle

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual, she hasn’t particularly had the chance to explore this but her very secret crushes are more often on women than men.

Past Relationships: Only unrequited crushes

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: n/a

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: n/a

Ever Cheated?: one would have to be in a relationship in order to cheat, so no.

Been Cheated On: see above

Level of Sexual Experience: Amélie is very inexperienced, soft baby

Story of First Kiss: Her name was Charlotte and she was in Amélie’s ballet class. She seemed to take Amélie’s shyness as a challenge and persisted until she opened up. They were sixteen, walking home after class and caught in a sudden downpour. Charlotte pulled Amélie into a doorway for shelter, both laughing over the surprise. Charlotte kissed her, and then ran back out into the rain.

Story of Loss of Virginity: She was visiting her brother at university and he was one of Mathis’s friends. It was also her first time drinking, but he was kind and made her laugh.

A Social Person?: HECK NO, only when forced and usually only around her brother. She forces herself to be more social in order to effectively do her job.

Most Comfortable Around: Hands down her brother, but she hasn’t seen him in years. She is growing more comfortable around Felicity and Maria.

Oldest Friend: Mathis, obviously.

How Does She Think Others Perceive Her?: Amélie would prefer not to be perceived, thank you very much. Although she believes most people tend to overlook her or not take her very seriously. She thinks they look down on her for her shyness and the measured way she sometimes speaks.

How Do Others Actually Perceive Her?: When they do notice her, they tend to think she’s reserved or perhaps if they are being less kind, think she is aloof and stuck up. Those who know her well see her as tenacious and almost obsessive.

SECRETS:

Life Goals: To get her brother back and expose the mob for what they really are, saving the city and the nation from their violence.

Dreams: Amélie wants to no longer be so afraid and to maybe be happy. To publish a bestselling novel and live by the sea with the love of her life, some tiny village where she feels comfortable and happy.

Greatest Fears: Being perceived, losing her brother for good

Most Ashamed Of: her shyness, how she didn’t realize what was happening with Mathis sooner and didn’t do enough to stop him.

Secret Hobbies: Amélie likes to write little stories about strangers she sees on the underground or in a cafe, little one page fantasies in her journal (its not as creepy as it sounds i promise)

Crimes Committed (Was she caught? Charged?): None.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: night owl

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: light sleeper.

Favorite Animal: owls

Favorite Foods: chocolate ice cream, her mother’s green beans

Least Favorite Food: anything too greasy

Favorite Book: the house of the spirits by isabel allende

Least Favorite Book: she doesn’t have one really

Favorite Movie: Casablanca

Least Favorite Movie: trashy rom-coms

Coffee or Tea?: coffee

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: smooth

Type of Car She Drives: Amélie does not drive!

Lefty or Righty?: righty

Favorite Color: pale green

Cusser?: nope!

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: no smoking or drug use, she doesn’t drink often, maybe a glass of wine at dinner on occasion.

Biggest Regret: Not being there for her brother like he was always there for her, not chasing after Charlotte after her first kiss

Pets: a cat named Edgar Allen Poe, called Poe who is very grumpy

#a copycat killer with a chemical cut | character dev

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kitchen-witch-bitch · 4 years

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(This is Reddie-Fangirl24) #13 on the Barry list for Reddie

Ah! Someone sent me a prompt! Thanks, Mari. Enjoy!

#13 from the Barry list: “Do you think I’m a bad person, ____?”

Richie could tell something was off with his boyfriend the second Eddie walked in the door.

Eddie went through the motions of taking off his jacket and hanging it up, along with putting his briefcase in its cubby by the door. He was quiet, save for shooting Richie a gentle hello as he fiddled with his dress shoes, having more trouble with the laces than Richie had seen since they’d been in first grade. Richie paused his game, setting down the PlayStation controller as he tried to decide how to gently broach the subject.

Now wasn’t the time to fuck around.

“Hello, yourself.” Richie stared at him for a second. “You know, if you want, you can come over here and I can help get those ugly things off of you.”

Or, maybe it was a little bit. He really couldn’t help himself.

“Shut up, Richie. They’re not ugly and I can do it myself.” His voice sounded slightly off and it broke Richie’s heart. He knew that tone.

“I know you can.” Gentle, then. He needed to be gentle. “Did you stop to think that maybe I want to?”

“You don’t want to deal with my stinky feet. Go away.”

“No.” He got up and walked over to his still struggling boyfriend and tugged on his arm. “C’mere. Lemme do it. I’ll even give you a foot massage.”

“Fine.”

Eddie followed Richie to the couch, allowing Richie to lace their fingers together as they walked. Richie sat down first, tugging Eddie into his lap. He started to reach for his shoes but went still as he noticed Eddie’s face. His eyes were watery, and now that he had the man so close, he could tell that Eddie’s contacts were in danger of falling out due to the tears. They locked eyes for a second, Eddie’s a bit hazy, and the smaller of the two sank a little, knowing he’d been found out.

“Alright, baby. Here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna get your contact stuff and your glasses so you can rest those pretty eyes of yours, and then we’ll deal with your shoes and the massage while you tell me what’s wrong. Got it?”

Eddie nodded miserably, and though he would never admit to it, whined as Richie gently shifted out from beneath him. Richie smiled a bit to himself and tucked that information away for later before going and grabbing everything Eddie would need for his contacts and his glasses, as well as a tiny thing of lemon-scented hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works that Eddie kept stowed away in his bedside table. Richie’s heart warmed at the fact that he got to know little things like that about His Eds.

When he got back, he set everything on the table before maneuvering Eddie so that the man he loved so much was sitting in his lap again, and he let Eddie go through the motions again before getting rid of those shoes for real this time. He removed the socks for good measured, revealing manicured toes and soft feet that he wasted no time in getting to work on. Living in LA for the past few years had given him lots of time to learn things, like reflexology. He was no expert, but it made him feel so much better that he learned little things to do to himself. He wanted to share that, now, and when Eddie relaxed against him he vowed to learn more.

Eddie really liked it, judging by the little noises of relief he heard and the way the sniffles were becoming fewer and farther between.

He stopped for a few moments after a while. “You ready to tell me what’s going on?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person, Richie?”

“What? Honey, no. Never. Why would you say that?”

“I had to do a Zoom call with Myra and the lawyers today, and on top of that, I got an email from Myra’s mother.” He sniffed. “They’re really not happy with the settlement we came to. And, I’m being accused of cheating on her with you.”

“Well, one, you didn’t. We only started dating after you all split. And two, really? She’s not happy that she’s getting to keep the house, the furniture, the TV, and half of the money you made?”

“Richie, I really hurt her. She’s having a lot of trouble taking care of herself, and—”

Richie cut him off. “Eddie, your feelings are valid, and I love you, but you are being an idiot.”

“Thanks.” The snide remark left his lips as he closed in on himself, but Richie was having none of it.

“Eds, she’s a grown-ass woman who hasn’t had to work the entire time you guys were married. This is a shock to her system, yes, but you aren’t leaving her empty-handed. You explained that you had fallen out of love with her, which happens. And you did that in person. I know a lot of people these days don’t have the guts to do that.”

“Rich—”

“Let me finish. You let her keep more stuff than you honestly should have, and you only took what you absolutely needed. You gave her a giant chunk of your savings. She could get away with not working for a few months and be totally fine. Probably longer. She’s gonna have to be a big girl now, and if she doesn’t know how to do that, that’s on her mother for not teaching her how.” Richie really didn’t like the things he’d heard about Myra. More than just being emotionally abusive and manipulative, she’d been a downright leech, and he’d spend the rest of his life spoiling Eddie to try to make up for that.

Eddie didn’t say anything in response, but he seemed to relax again.

Richie kissed his head, tugging him closer and hugging him as hard as he could without actually hurting him. “I love you, spaghetti. You’re the best person. A little snippy sometimes, yeah, but everyone’s allowed to be.”

“I love you too, Trashmouth.”

And if they spent the rest of the night lazing on the couch and cuddling, well, that was their business, now, wasn’t it?

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #AU #it #it chapter two #hurt/comfort #ask meme #my writing #long post

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campchitaquamemories · 5 years

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What are your top 10 Queliot moments?

Nonny, thank you so much for waiting patiently for this one!

I was just going to write out a list (after I got done being EXTREMELY stumped because- you expect me to just pick 10??! Rude.) but then I realized that I just hit 600 followers (what?!), and I wanted to do something a bit more to say thank you to all of you for putting up with me while I’m on my bullshit. So I went back through my favorite episodes and made some gifs for you, too!

Here you go. Hope you like it!!

Gigi’s Top 10 Queliot Moments (YMMV):

10. This is from 1x03, Consequences of Advanced Spellcasting, and… it’s such a great breathing space. This whole episode, the Eliot + Quentin sideplot to retrieve the book was a delight, and it only happened because Eliot is so far gone on this boy. He could have taken literally any of the Physical Kids with him, but no, he’s got a crush on the super cute nerd that just moved in and so it HAS to be Q that comes with him. Eliot is highkey flirting with Quentin here, both as emotional support, and - I will maintain until my dying day - if Kady hadn’t blown the hinges off that door he was planning to make a move on Q that afternoon.

9. I have so many feelings???? This is from 2x01, Knight of Crowns. Things are complex interpersonally between the whole gang right now, but out of everyone parting ways with Eliot, Q is who we get to see saying goodbye. Eliot is actually high king now, and he’s not any less depressed, or damaged emotionally or mentally. It didn’t immediately fix him like he wanted (much like how magic didn’t immediately fix Quentin, but that’s a meta for another time), and now he’s staring down being all that and an unknown future ruling this frankly odd kingdom (from books he apparently never bothered to read? El, baby. SMH.) potentially for the rest of his life without his friends. The two of them are so tender, Q initially leaning against Eliot to provide support, and then he doesn’t hesitate even a moment when Eliot asks for a hug. What at that point could be the very last hug he ever gets from Quentin in this lifetime. There is such a depth of feeling here between the two of them and I’m so glad the show gave us this (in S2! I’m!).

8. 1x11, Remedial Battle Magic. Look at our babies and how happy they are?! I know they’re drunk on wine and emotions and about to seriously fuck their friendships up, but have they ever gotten a moment to breathe and be happy in each other’s presence since this? They haven’t. It’s been arguments and recriminations and quests and beasts and averting world-ending disasters since they woke up from this night. So I treasure this moment of soft smiles and touches (even Margo, I am not opposed to Marqueliot in this list at all). And of course, the threesome it is leading up to, and all of the implications and interpretations of that night that they take forward into the series with them.

7. “I’m trying to tell you, you are not alone here.” From 1x02, The Source of Magic, this bonding scene has always felt very profound to me. These two boys have literally known each other, what, less than a week now? And here is Eliot “feelings are for other people” Waugh, opening up about his past traumas to try and connect with Quentin. The only other person we’ve ever seen him do this with is Mike - Eliot’s other love interest - and we know he told Margo during their Trials. This is Q confessing his biggest fear - that if he loses magic, he will lose his tenuous hold on his mental health - and Eliot reciprocating that confession: inducting Q into the very, very select circle of Eliot’s confidantes. This is each of them accepting some measure of comfort from the presence and understanding of the other, and a moment that underpins their entire relationship from this moment forward.

6. I’m cheating with this one, but I wanted to show both sides of this dynamic, and Quentin and Eliot have not had a chance to fight for their relationship together in the main timeline yet, so these will have to work for now. The first gif is from 4x06, A Timeline and Place, and the second is from 3x13, Will You Play With Me? It’s so, so important to see these moments - even if our boys are dumb and they don’t start fighting until the very last second - when they are willing to lay down everything, and burn down the world for each other. Quentin will NOT let the Monster kill Eliot’s body, and Eliot will NOT let Quentin throw away his future to play jailer to a sociopathic child-god. When push comes to shove, they will choose each other every time. Now if we could only get them to do that when the stakes aren’t life and death, am I right?

5. Another moment from 2x01, Knight of Crowns. This coronation scene is just… Remember that they are fractured leading up to this: we’re coming right off of the fall out from the threesome, and Eliot has been spiraling for episodes now. But then we get this super tender declaration from Quentin: “So, destiny is– it’s bullshit…. For what it’s worth, I think you’re going to be a really good king.” And Eliot’s eyes just, light up, his whole face lifts. Because here is someone who believes in him, wholly and truly. Even after everything they just fucked up together, and separately, Q (someonee good and true) has faith in Eliot, and it’s infectious. They’re both looking at each other here like no one else exists in the world, like nothing is important in this moment except each other. And thats?? Beautiful?!

4. I fucking love this shot. Q kicking over those tiles and then saying “Oops.” is a whole-ass mood. Okay, so this is obviously from 3x05, A Life in the Day, and I could easily have made and entire top 10 list of JUST moments from this sequence because it’s all SO AMAZING. The beauty of all life, amiright? But this moment is so important to me. Making a conscious choice, every day to choose this quest and choose each other takes a toll. Ask anyone you know who’s been in a committed relationship for years. Sometimes it’s just fucking hard. They’ve been at this for so long that their clothes from Earth (which, I’ll remind you, they were still wearing at their 1 year anniversary) have worn thin, and they’re wearing traditional Fillorian garb. This was supposed to be over years ago, but they’re still going. And Q is struggling. And Eliot is struggling. And they argue, but neither of them walks away. I always have to stop and pause at this part of the episode, because this is so domestic and realistic that it makes me cry. And if I start crying here, I’m useless for the rest of the sequence once we get to Arielle and Teddy.

3. 1x01, Unauthorized Magic. So, so many people have talked about Q and El’s first meeting, how Eliot spread himself out on the Brakebills sign elegantly and Quentin’s one bisexual braincell shorted out to the point where, for a moment, he couldn’t even words. But I so rarely see people talk about this moment, when Quentin asks Eliot if he’s hallucinating. This look, right here, is so soft, and sweet. I’m sure Eliot gets hit on all the time, and he was 100% flirting with Quentin when he jumped off that sign and gave him an “I could eat you up” once over. But this is the moment Eliot decided that Margo needed to know about the cute new boy who thought Eliot was exactly the kind of person he would dream into existence, if he made those kinds of decisions. Right here. The beginning of it all.

2. Back to 3x05, A Life in the Day, and if you’re surprised this is my #2 moment you must be new here. This is a kiss that has been brewing for a long time. One not rooted in emotion bottles, and not one that can be passed off as being too drunk to know what you’re doing. Quentin sets his cup down, and starts to say something, but ends up finishing his thought with this kiss. It’s short, but not tentative, and Eliot is… look at his face. He’s surprised, because he’s pretty sure they fucked up their chances at this a season and a half ago. But Q is there and he’s not apologizing and he’s not panicking, and that gives Eliot the courage to reach out and pull Q back in. And for a little while, it’s not about the quest, it’s not about defeating a monster, it’s not about fixing anything they’ve fucked up. This is just about them.

1. “Fifty years. Who gets that kind of proof of concept? Peaches and plums, motherfucker. I’m alive in here!” 4x05, Escape from the Happy Place.So, this scene is where I live now, my trashcan, if you will, with these dumb boys and their dumb faces. Eliot’s absolutely perfect timing, and his delight to see Quentin is just- Just beaming out of his face here. This is the first of many chances he’s going to have to set the record straight, and he does it with style. This was a declaration of love - peaches and plums - and one that only Eliot would be able to give, and only Quentin would be able to understand. Q has been so beat down and defeated this episode, like he’s walking through a world that has faded into black and white, but we can see the moment he understands and the light comes back into his eyes. “Eliot’s alive. He’s alive.”

Honorable mentions to: “I’m Team Eliot.”, “Could I maybe have Eliot back?”, “I find you, and I don’t say magic is real, but I do seduce you”, and the extended throne room scene from 3x05/4x05 - which only didn’t make the list because I couldn’t pick a single shot to slice up for a gif.

#top 10 askbox game #queliot #quentin coldwater #eliot waugh #the magicians #nonny speaks #talking to people #gigi makes things #my gifs

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suits-of-woe · 4 years

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For the OTP asks... f!Edmund & Goneril >:3

1. If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?Well their first meeting was presumably years before the play started so idk. For this AU in particular though, maybe not the first meeting, but I’m picturing a young Edmund walking around court with a chip on her shoulder but secretly kind of desperate to find anyone she can who can relate to her and accept her in terms of her sexuality and everything she’s facing and Goneril like…knowing that but knowing that associating with her is only going to make it harder for both of them. So she probably tries to get the interactions with Edmund over with quickly but then the next time Gloucester comes to court Edmund’s been sent away and Goneril regrets not being able to do more.

 2. What song fits your pairing the most?I’m notoriously bad at finding songs but I still LOVE “The Tower” by Vienna Teng that you suggested for Edmund in this AU.

3. What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?This AU for sure, f!Edmund is so great and I didn’t know I needed that until we started discussing it. I love talking about them so much :) I’m also just a sucker for any AU where they both live and so does Regan and they can actually have a talk and sort out some of their insecurities and mayhaps be emotionally vulnerable.

4. Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?I love canon in all its sexy disastrous glory, but when I’m in the mood for them actually being soft and finding love and comfort with each other, it’s gotta be headcanons. Besides the set-up of the girl AU most of my hcs about their relationship are either post-canon or things they were thinking during canon, but as far as their canon scenes together I don’t really change much.

5. Favorite canon moment of them?I think you said this was your fave too but it’s gotta be 4.2. “Ere long you are like to hear, if you dare venture in your own behalf, a mistress’ command” is just SO MUCH. Dom!Goneril and sub!Edmund is the stupid hill I will die on. That whole scene is just brimming with Power Dynamics and Goneril finally deciding to just let loose and take what she wants, actually embrace her sexuality without fear for the first time. And Edmund just feeling so desired and also actually having someone go after her for once and getting very swept up in the whole thing. That scene is incredibly good.

6. Least favorite canon moment of them?The duel. Which is weird cause I love that scene character-wise for both of them individually, but in terms of their relationship I find it devastating. Goneril having to watch Edmund get mortally wounded and realising this whole relationship that made her give up everything, made her kill her sister, is just crumbling before her eyes and she really is going to be all alone again. And then in realising that she leaves Edmund alone! Edmund who’s spent the whole play desperate for love and affection is just totally without it in her last moments! Fuck!!! Shakespeare why did you do this to me?

7. Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)Ok I joke but I am actually so into the idea of Goneril being the one who initiates the relationship/is more dominant/forward in general because I think it swaps so many of the expectations they’ve both had to face in such a good way. Goneril’s always had to present herself as this object of desire and reproduction for men, that was how her value was measured as a princess and a wife, and her own desire has always been taboo and tamped down, ESPECIALLY because it’s for women. Whereas Edmund’s considered a perverse bastard, of course her tastes are wrong and vulgar, but she’s supposed to be like her mother, not the real object of anyone’s affection for longer than it takes for them to sleep with her and be done. So Goneril getting to WANT and Edmund getting to FEEL WANTED is my favourite thing.

8. Least favorite headcanon trope/idea? I hate interpretations where Edmund is just using her and Regan for power and doesn’t actually have any emotional connection to them at all. I find it so weird cause if she just wanted to marry a princess Regan is right there! It’s clearly not just about that! It doesn’t have to be True Love or anything but the idea that they have zero feelings for each other is ridiculous. And on a less blatantly wrong note: portrayals where Edmund is the one doing all the seducing. Have y’all read 4.2?

9. Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?The mutual loneliness…the mutual rejection they’ve faced from their parents and the world…the mutual realisation that maybe they ARE worthy of love and happiness and can find it with each other….yeah.

10. Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcanon)Edmund buddy you gotta STOP sleeping with two sisters at the same time. I know it’s about her feeling the need to hoard all the love she can get but it’s so bad hon, you’re hurting everyone involved. If you could just NOT do that you could actually maybe have a happy monogamous relationship??

11. If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?I mean they’re kind of canon but them having a functional monogamous relationship is definitely NOT so. My go-to “fix-it” (by which I mean fixing the sad feelings of me, a villain-stanning dumbass) scenario is basically Gloucester escapes with Lear, so Cornwall never blinds him and never dies and Regan has no reason to go for Edmund. The sisters win the war but Albany’s conscience gets to him so he helps Lear and Cordelia get away and goes with them (and also Edgar and Gloucester probs) back to France. Cue a very messy divorce, but at the end of it Goneril’s in full “fuck everyone, I do what I want” mode and Regan’s 100% there for her, so Edmund gets to be her closest advisor and not-so-secret lover, and now that they’re not surrounded by people who treat them as second-class all the time they can actually like…feel secure and be in love.

12. If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?Hmm I suppose another play where they could be a badass power couple with less interference and tragedy. Antonio and Sebastian from the Tempest have some vibes so you could genderswap them. Could TOTALLY see Edmund like “hey you know how I usurped my sibling? I’ll help you usurp your sibling, and then maybe we can also bang”

13. How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.I’ve only kind of tried once (and that was with m!Edmund anyway) so idk…6 or 7 maybe? I like writing Goneril but I find Edmund’s voice very hard to get right, plus I’m always trying to find a good middle ground between Shakespearean English and totally modern language.

14. Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?I mean in-universe it’s Regan/Edmund but I don’t like them nearly as much (and I don’t think they like each other all that much either). If Regan weren’t so grief-stricken and Edmund weren’t so obsessed with holding onto any bit of affection I don’t think they ever would have gotten together.

15. Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)I’m for sure an Edmund person — as much as I love Goneril, she’s not top 3 characters in the canon level of fave. And I think my crush on Edmund is well-documented (although less f!Edmund since I’m straight) but that relationship would probably end in my death tbh

16. Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?I guess Edmund, since she’s the one who cheats, and even though Goneril seems to know about it she doesn’t end things. But realistically I don’t think Edmund would actually break up with her even if she probably should, she’d be more likely to keep hanging on because Affection™ even if things were a wreck. Honestly given how things are in the canon I think both of them would stick around long after it stopped being a good idea.

17. Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?I relate to Goneril somewhat because Womanhood™ and oldest daughter feelings and especially in this AU having a bad and traumatic relationship with a man that makes you hate him even if it’s not really his fault :/ I don’t really relate to Edmund though, and I’ve never had a relationship similar to their dynamic

18. Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?Regan was the first sister I loved and I still adore her but for a while that made me think of Goneril as the boring evil crazy sister who was just getting in everyone’s way. Edmund I loved from the start, although at first it was just in the “villain is cool and sexy haha” way, and it wasn’t until I got really into that character that I started loving Goneril too and thinking about how much they have in common and are SUCH victims of their parents and society in general.

19. On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?Less than 5 I think, this is definitely a niche ship as far as people’s interest on here and tbh I didn’t start fully shipping it until recently. It’s definitely a guilty pleasure ship because their relationship is DISASTROUS but it also makes me feel…a lot of things.

20. What made you decide to ship them?I got really upset thinking about how Edmund canonically died alone and rewrote his death scene so Goneril was there they both kind of…realised how lonely they both were and got to have a genuinely tender moment right at the end. And then it occurred to me how sad their mutual love-starvation is and how much I want them to be there for each other. And THEN you helped me flesh out my ideas for f!Edmund and that just intensified both of their feelings of rejection by the world and Edmund getting to embody Goneril’s sexual liberation and both of them experiencing love in a way they never have before and that just made it even more compelling.

21. Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)I’ve barely written them but honestly fluff because the main appeal of this ship is giving them both companionship and someone to understand what they’re going through. So yeah, I want them to be sweet and talk about their feelings and work through their issues enough to be a functional couple. Will this ever happen? Unlikely, but I can imagine it.

#ahhh thank you!#love getting to talk more about Them #this went from ironic ship to guilty pleasure ship to full on ship so fast and i'm obsessed with this AU #edmund #goneril #king lear #mine #asks #otp: yours in the ranks of death

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