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thelostthoughtsofthebroken · 2 years

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Toxic women do destroy good men

Despite what people believe, toxic women do destroy good men. I dated this girl. Got really serious with this girl. Let’s call her V. We met when I was 17. Spent 6 consecutive years together. But once year 6 hit it got really on again off again. She was my first love. She was the person who made me realize what crazy in love really meant and just how unhealthy crazy in love really is. Don’t get me wrong, the first 2 maybe 3 years were magical. Still hard because we were young and trying to figure out life. But we made it work. When we got to years 3-5 I could tell she was putting distance between us. But not major distance just subtle things that I would notice that she was doing that she didn’t notice she was doing. Things like buying a privacy screen protector so you can’t see the screen from the side. Things like that.

I know my time line is off some but it’s generally right. Coming round to the end of year 5 is when my depression really sat in. No physical contact. It was the absolute minimum. It was just enough for me to question my relationship But then she would do just enough to stay relevant when I would muster up the courage to try and leave. But then the day came when I came home from work because I forget my wallet, me needing my wallet because I drive a commercial vehicle made me discover she was cheating cuz she was caught. And it broke me. But I feel for her Bs speech about how she loves me and she messed up and she didn’t mean it and blah blah blah. And I fell for it. Ended up staying longer. But at some point in year 6 she left. Honestly I don’t even remember why. But she did. Had about a year and a half gap, in that time I explored a little, got into another situationship, but that’s a story for another day. Time went on with that just for it to come to a rocky end. At the end V made contact with me. she reached out and we reconnected.

We moved back in together, got a nice house down in a good part of the city in a sun division and it was a lot closer to my job at the time. We spent 2 years there together. But it was more like 2 roommates who are fucking but going 1/2 on rent too. I realize now that it was always just me in the relationship but in her world I didn’t exist. Yo her parents she was just staying with a friend. We weren’t Facebook official. Hell her friends didn’t even know I lived in the house I was paying for. But again, at the time I didn’t know that. I noticed things but because I was so broken and hurting a so alone all the time, she did just enough to be relaxant and for me to kinda feel like I wasn’t alone. Our history gave me comfort to think it was going to last and I kept banking on our good history. Those first 3 years. I kept holding onto the person I fell in love with not the person that was in front of me. She cheated on me multiple times after that reconnect in those final 2 years.

In the last 6 months of those 2 years we decided to sleep in separate rooms because it was for the best and we were officially broken up. But even being over, seeing her being dude after dude over right in front of my face just felt like a betrayal. We weren’t together but I paid everything. Bills, rent, food, her gas, her car payment. She didn’t contribute financially even tho she was working. It was really hard on me. My mental health was fucked. And what really fucked me up the most is she could tell on those days when I was having really bad days. Just sitting in the couch in the living room just in the dark, tv on but I’m not watching it. Just lost in my thoughts and she could tell that I was just having a bad mental day. I’ll never forget what she would do, mainly because it’s so fucked up now that I openly talk about it.

I remember it clear as day. I had a long day at work, pulled a 14 hour day. Ended up taking the tow truck home because I didn’t have a personal vehicle. Yeah the mofo paying for literally everything didn’t have a car of his own. That’s besides the point. But I got home late it was 10:45. I remember it because when I walked in the kitchen it was dirty as hell and I checked to see if there was any dinner left for me, which there wasn’t and I remember saying to myself “I guess I just come home and work since I gotta make my own food at 10:45 at night” and then started slamming shit out of frustration and hungry. I went and sat in the couch and just sat there in the dark. And she just kept asking me “are you okay?” I started to tear up and just said it doesn’t matter. Because I’m reality it really didn’t. We weren’t together and she clearly didn’t want to be. I went to my room and just crawled in bed. I just wanted to go to sleep at that point. Bout 20 min went by and then I heard the shower kick on. I could smell her body wash that was my favorite that she quit using. I could smell it cuz she left the bathroom door open. Heard her get out the shower and dry off but not blow dry her hair. She knows that the wet hair look is one I really enjoy so she didn’t dry it completely. My bedroom door was cracked because my pet dog at the time would always sleep with me so I leave the door cracked in case she would want to roam or leave. When V walked out the bathroom I saw her stop to see if I was asleep. She assumed I was because I didn’t move or say anything. Then out of nowhere I can smell her perfume that she knew I loved. My weakness is when you smell good, like if you smell good then I’m like 1/2 way there if you know what I mean. So at this point she’s washed in my favorite scent of body wash, now wearing my favorite scented perfume, she comes into my room in just one of my work shirts. Doesn’t say anything at all but she crawls in bed with me. She does that thing that all females do when there the little spoon and push there ass up against the dick area which then just is the perfect storm for some action. I asked her what she was doing and she told me word for word, I’ll never forget it, “ I know you had a long day and I know it’s been hard for you lately. I know you are still in love with me and I know you really do love me dearly and that’s always been my favorite thing bout us” and me stupidly on heard the word “us” so I questioned it. “What do you mean us” and she tells me “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, I really miss us and if you’re up to it maybe we could just have some fun tonight and see where things go” I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea but she cut me off and just kissed me. At that point I could resist at all because it was the perfect storm, she was telling me what I wanted to hear, she smelled absolutely amazing, and she’s in my work shirt. Her physical touch was something I wanted so bad for so long and I just melted. So we got in some action. Hang boom surprise. Woke up the next morning to her still there. Got up for work and she kissed me good bye. Everything was perfect. I was finally at peace and happy. She asked for some gas money to go hang with some friends that evening since I was working late on a long tow. So I gave it to her. She went to cincy with her friends. I came home to a empty hose so I just crashed. I was so happy and on cloud 9. She was sending me lovey text. It was great. I fell asleep waiting for her to come home.

Now remember everything is perfect. I’m happy. I’m excited to have the girl I fell in love with back. I’m my mind at the time, I’m in high hopes. Butterflies in my stomach, basically falling in love all over again. About 2am comes rolling around and my dog jumps up out of my bed and she’s in defense mode. Usually when V gets home she comes in the front door. But the ack door opens so my dog starts freaking out and barking and playing defense. So naturally if it was V, my dog wouldn’t be on defense. So naturally I think someone just broke in my house, grab my pistol and then I go in the defense. My dog keeps barking at V’s bedroom door. Kitchen, living room, dining room are all clear so that’s where they gotta be right? I open the door with gun drawn and ready to fire and this weird ass corny ass wanna be skater goth dude is standing there and then V comes storming in and she’s like “he’s with me! He’s with me!” So I asked what the hell is he doing here!! And that’s when he spoke and he just said the wrong thing because that breaking point, it was then and there. He said, “ I’m here cuz my girlfriend lives here. Who the fuck are you?” And the only thing I could do was say “what do you mean your girlfriend” and he said “her dumb ass I’m moving cuz we’re In love” and that’s when I learned that crazy in love is a real thing and how unhealthy it is because I snapped. I put my gun down, and then beat the shit out of him with my bare hands. Not my proudest moment but I broke. Pure anger and rage because not even 24 hours prior V was giving me high hopes and happiness. Just to find out it’s all a lie and she used me. I snapped. I stopped and got off him and they both left. I went into my room and cried. And I mean bawled my eyes out. I ugly cried. And just kept asking god why. Kept replaying the night before over and over and just kept crying. It hurt so bad and that pain wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get the pain to stop. That’s all I wanted was for the pain to stop. Then thought thought crossed my mind, I wrote out my goodbye letter, and then pointed it under my chin and pulled it with no hesitation. But all you hear is a click. It misfired. I even pulled the slide back to make sure it was loaded and it was and it misfired. I dropped it and just cried even more.

About 30 min goes by and the cops show up to my house. I’m sitting in cuffs in my underwear on my own couch. Full on embarrassing. Long story short, they took my side, said I didn’t do anything wrong, confiscated myself firearm, and told me “imma keep it real with you, you’re a young black man with a fire arm in a white neighborhood and you got violent with 2 white people, you and I both know she was in the wrong but he has the option to press charges because he was invited by V here. They have 24 hours to decide”

V comes back to the house to grab some clothing and looks me dead in the face and tells me “either your fine by time I get back tomorrow or your ass is going to jail, I’m sick of your shit” all I could say is “okay” I didn’t question it or anything. At that point, I just turned to ice. My “I don’t give a fuck” switch just flipped on and just like that I got my shit out and vanished. I made myself disappear from her life. It took me months to get over here. So many bad days. So many days where I reply that stretch of 48 hours in my head over and over even to this day it still happens. I have so many relationship issues in my marriage because of V. The wife doesn’t deserve that but it’s there. And it’s because of V.

I know, you’re sitting here wondering and thinking, what’s the point of this? Well yesterday V reached out again, and simply said “I’ve really been thinking about you a lot lately and I miss you” and all I could do was think about the perfect storm from that night that gave me happiness and exactly what I wanted. But then I remember what happen after. Toxic women destroy good men. I ignored it, didn’t even entertain it. Blocked it actually. I will never let her have that power over me again. Despite how fucking hard it is to follow thru because there will always be that part of me that is “what if this time she means it” I gave that chick a total of 9 years of my life. That’s a long as time. But, I’m happily married now and I can’t put myself thru a crazy in love situation ever again. I’m happily and healthy in a great marriage because I choose my wife. No matter how much the temptation is there. Look at it like this “The truth is slow 'cause someone's always in a rush to hide it

The lies is golden 'cause the devil got a touch of Midas” the truth is she can’t have me anymore and I won’t let her, and the lies are played in gold trying to tempt me. I will not let a toxic woman break me again.

#mens mental health #toxic love #crazy in love #never again #it’s okay to be broken #broken thoughts #heartbreak

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earthlyemily · 3 years

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I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is [email protected] or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is [email protected] i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

#personal #finances #broke #poor #vegan #small business owner #graves disease #saving animals #off grid #I wonder if anyone will even read this all #debt #life update lol #p

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cordytriestowrite · 4 years

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Fight, Fight, Fight

Bucky x Reader

One Shot

College AU

Summary: I see your "there was only one bed" and raise you "there was only one shower" with a sprinkle of "enemies to...still enemies but also lovers"

Natasha Romanov slid Sam Wilson a glass of vodka. A literal glass of vodka. Filled almost to the brim with the strong, clear alcohol a few drops sailed over the rim and left a wet trail as the glass came to a stop.

"Drink."

Who was he to argue with a Russian about drinking? He took a large swallow, letting it burn down his throat and wash over the knot of nerves in his stomach.

"You have to say something, Sam. It's your house."

He nodded. Natasha was right. When he put up the flyers in the student union offering the spare bedrooms in the house he inherited from his grandfather he thought it'd be a win-win. He was in his senior year, about to graduate and in need of some cash flow: enter roommates. He thought it would be like living in the freshman dorms all over again, bonding with people like Steve and building lifelong friendships. But no, while the roommates individually were just fine, it was when they were together that brought Sam to sit at his dining room table practically chugging eight ounces of cheap vodka.

Natasha was nice enough to support him, maybe nice isn't the word, annoyed enough to help him. They had only just started dating after being introduced at Steve's birthday party two months ago, but she had been witness to too many squabbles, slammed doors, and sabotage.

"There's gonna be a civil war in this house in less than," Sam glanced at his phone, "ten minutes."

"That's why you drink.

Your books were heavy and kept slipping from your arms. You adjusted them as you walked but that adjustment would only work for a few minutes before you had to perform another juggling act. The house was only two blocks from campus, the air was cool and breezy, you were pretty sure you aced your civ test, but you were far from content, after all finals were only a month away.

Bucky was walking just in front of you, headphones blaring music that even you could hear. He held a single, slim textbook and a pencil in on hand and his phone in the other. That's why you were mad. Bucky insisted on walking home together after class, but you never actually walked home together. You worked hard in class while he coasted on through. And yet you knew you would both pass.

When you reached out to Sam about the open room in his house you were hopeful, optimistic even, about a new living situation that didn't involve sleeping two feet from someone else in a dorm room that was always too cold. Had you known Bucky Fuckin Barnes had also called up Sam you would have stayed huddled under your blankets with earplugs while your roommate had sex in the bed two feet away from you, loudly. Anything was better than being stuck with the guy in and out of classes, but it was too late.

You hit an uneven patch of concrete, stumbling and losing your hold on your textbooks. You growled in frustration as they tumbled to the ground, bending down to collect them. Every week, every fucking week, you had to carry four textbooks to and from class. Every week Bucky saw you carry four textbooks while he carried practically nothing. He never offered to help, not once.

"Hey asshole." You called, knowing Bucky wouldn't hear you over his music, but it felt good to yell.

"You could fucking stop and help me for once."

Bucky stopped and turned, he pulled an ear bud out of his ear and regarded you with a fake smile. He didn't move, didn't even raise his voice to match yours.

"Buy a backpack."

Sam's head shot up from the table top at the sound of the front door slamming open and hitting the wall. The house shook, or maybe that was just him. Natasha swiftly stomped toward the comotion, coming back in less than a minute with strong hands gripped onto the shoulder of both you and Bucky, who were still screaming.

"Backpacks were literally made to hold books-"

"Or you could just take one or two-"

"Why would I help yo-"

"QUIET!"

Natasha's sharp tone cut through the animosity between you as she pushed you into a chair opposite Sam. She walked Bucky to the chair at the far end and stood behind him, arms crossed and mouth tense.

"Sam." She prompted.

Sam sighed, wishing he was still face down on the table in blissful, drunk, silence. He took a deep breath, sparing a glance at his girlfriend before opening his mouth. He should have prepared something, but the booze had loosened his lips and now he was just coming out with it.

"I can't have it anymore. The fighting, the yelling...I'm done. I like you both and I'm sorry to do this but-"

"Sam, please don't say what I think you're going to say." You started.

"Dude, come on we're just-" Bucky spoke over you.

"You don't speak for me, Bucky."

"I'm just trying to apologize to Sam for your shitty behavior. Since you don't seem to want to do it."

"Bullshit, Barnes!"

Sam slammed his palms against the table top. He stood suddenly, a wave of dizziness sending the room into a tailspin. He closed his eyes, grit his teeth, and finally just said it.

"I want you out."

It was mid semester. Dorms were full and open rooms were few and far between. Sam agreed to give you both a week. It wasn't enough time, but between classes and homework at least you barely saw Bucky.

Wanda had found the apartment. Said it was good practice for when she got her real estate license. You couldn't pass up her help so you agreed to let her do some of the heavy lifting.

The place she found for you was on the other side of town. One bedroom, no washer or dryer, and on the fourth floor. The building was old too. Faded wallpaper and flickering lights lead you down the hallway towards the unit. The realtor had given you a code to the lockbox hanging from the doorknob, but the box was already hanging open. You were about to text Wanda when the door opened.

"Bucky?"

"Wait, you two are moving out...together?"

Sam shook his head in disbelief, hoping he just heard them wrong.

"Unfortunately." You grumbled, crossing your arms and glaring at Bucky.

Bucky glared right back, eyes hard and hands busy aggressively making a sandwich. He was getting mustard on the countertop, like usual.

"Okay, one of you can stay here and the other can take the apartment?"

Bucky, finished with his sandwich but leaving the counter dirty, joined you at the table and with his mouthful answered simply.

"Can't."

"Can't?" Sam echoed.

"I paid the first and last month's rent. I'm not trusting her to pay that back to me."

You nodded, "And it's my name on the application. I'm not risking him tanking my credit score when he doesn't pay rent."

You snatched the remaining half of Bucky's meal right out of his hands, taking a large bite, savoring Bucky's protest more than the actual food.

"God, who destroys a sandwich with this much mustard?"

"It wasnt your fucking sandwich! "

Sam could only watch as the conversation digressed into yet another fight. How you two were going to share a one bedroom was beyond him, but at least he would get some peace and quiet.

You woke up, not suddenly, but gradually with enough time to know it was still dark before your eyes even opened. You also knew you were cold and that your body was huddled too close to the edge of the mattress. Behind you there was a loud, sudden snort that made you finally open your eyes.

You were in fact at the edge of the mattress, your blankets nowhere on your person, and your phone screen showed the time to be 4:03 am. You turned, squinting against the fluorescent lights shining through the cracks in the blinds. Bucky was on his back, loud snores erupting from his open mouth, blankets bunched up around his body keeping him warm. He looked deep in sleep and that just wouldn't do.

With both hands gripped tightly on the comforter you yanked with all your might. You pulled and tugged until Bucky was completely bare, his exposed skin erupting in goosebumps. The snoring stopped, Bucky turned on his side, eyes still closed, to grope blindly for his missing warmth. You smiled ruefully and turned your back to him, enjoying the thrill of victory as you shut your eyes.

The mattress squeaked and rocked as Bucky flopped around like a fish out of water and suddenly your victory was stolen by a man who wasn't even conscious.

With a deep groan of resignation you turned over and dropped the comforter over Bucky's form, tucking the corner under his shoulder to trap in heat. Bucky exhaled deeply and settled into the covers. You turned your back to him again. Making sure the blankets were tucked under you as well.

Natasha didn't think Sam should be worrying about his old roommates as much as he was. But here they were out to dinner with Steve and Sam had barely said two words in as many minutes. Steve threw her a look, one that asked her to explain, but she only rolled her eyes and elbowed her boyfriend.

"Hm?

"I was asking how class was going, Sam." Steve gently reminded him. "But something tells me you got something other than finals on your mind."

Sam heaved a huge sigh.

"I can't stop thinking about them."

You vaguely remembered your alarm going off, but sleep dragged you back under as soon as you made the offensive noise stop. Next time you woke up there was much more appeal. The sun was soft, its rays warming your face. Your body was cocooned in a pleasant mix of skin and sheets. You hummed, turning into the warmth, breathing in the familiar scent of your bedmate. You couldn't even drum up irritation at the smell of his 3-n-1 shampoo.

Responsibility tickled your brain, urging you to untangle from Bucky and get ready for class. You did just that, albeit reluctantly, sitting up and grabbing your phone.

You overslept. Your final was in thirty minutes.

"Shit!" You hissed, jumping out of bed.

"Whatisit?" Bucky grumbled, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"We missed our alarm. Civ final's in thirty minutes."

You pulled off your pajama bottoms, stepping out of the pool they made around your ankles. Bucky was up and out of bed by the time you pulled off your shirt.

"Fuck!"

On long legs he sprinted into the bathroom, but you were there to catch the door before he slammed it shut.

"What are you doing?"

You shoved your way through, pulling back the shower curtain and turning the knob. The room filled with the hiss of water and arguing.

"I've got to take a shower."

"Well so do I?"

"Does it look like I give a fuck?"

It was a race to get naked, to find yourself under the spray before the water could turn cold. You stepped into the tub, Bucky following suit. He closed the curtain, mouth still set in a hard frown.

"This is your fault."

You laughed, leaning your head back to wet your hair.

"Oh, is it? Maybe if I wasn't up half the night because of your snoring I wouldn't have missed my alarm!"

You switched places with Bucky once you were doused, letting him under the spray. He grabbed his 3-n-1 shampoo bottle and squeezed too much into his hand.

"I only snore because you insisted on taking your mattress."

"My mattress is the most expensive thing in this apartment."

"So you're just bad at spending money then?"

You glared at each other, silent as your fingers worked to clean your hair. Bucky did the same. The staring match raged on for a few breathless moments, until for the first time all morning Bucky's gaze drifted away from your face and down your naked body.

"Pervert!"

"I don't know why you're worrying." Steve said, watching his best friend flitter around the kitchen.

"I just want to know how they're doing." He explained, pulling the chicken from the oven.

"You know, Nat's right. This is crazy. Why am I supporting this?"

Sam had to agree. He felt crazy thinking about his old roommates so much. It's been six months. If one of them had killed the other he needed to know.

"I'm just checking in on my friends, Steve."

Bucky opened the door to Sam's place like he still lived there. You pulled on your joined hands, yanking him back a step to chide him.

"We're guests stupid. Knock."

"Knock, knock." Bucky called sarcastically, shooting you a smug look when Sam shouted "Come in!".

"You're rude." You grumbled.

"And you're a know-it-all." Bucky shot back without looking at you.

"I'm not-"

"Hey!" Sam greeted, voice a bit too loud, smile a bit too wide. His arms were open as if he was going to go for a hug but they hung suspended as his eyes found your joined hands.

"What's uhhhh, what's this?"

You and Bucky looked down at your interlaced fingers, then at each other, then back to Sam.

"We're together."

Sam's arms fall heavily to his sides, then up to run over his head as his chest swells.

"WHAT? How? What?!"

You and Bucky had made your way home to your one bedroom apartment, changing into your pajamas and you continued your squabble from the walk home.

"They poop in a box. It's disgusting!"

Bucky scoffed, leaving the room briefly and coming back with a glass of water that he sat down on your bedside table.

"We shit in a box too if you think about it. Just admit you aren't a cat person so we can break up and I can take the cat."

He crawled into bed, lifting up the blanket so you could join him. You stood there for a moment before relenting and crawling in next to him, tucking your head under his chin and throwing your leg over his hips.

"Whatever, I'm tired. We'll continue this in the shower tomorrow."

"This isn't over." Bucky warned before planting a kiss to your forehead. "Love you."

"Love you too, but we're not taking Steve's cat."

Bucky groaned, rolling on top of you.

"Cats are awesome, if you got your head out of your ass-"

"If you thought for more than two seconds about the responsibility-"

The bickering continued as you shed each other's clothes, putting a pause on fighting in favor of moving together. It's how most of your arguments ended and while most people, especially Sam, couldn't wrap their heads around that it was what worked for you and Bucky. So did the one bedroom apartment, the shower that ran out of hot water too fast, and the cat Bucky was going to sneak in before spring semester. It all somehow made sense.

Except the fucking cat, come on Bucky!

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seokiloquy · 4 years

Text

Headline Pt 2 - Kuroo Tetsurou

AU: Parent

FEM! Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Pt 1 | Pt 2 | Pt 3

“No activity at Kuroo and girlfriend’s apartment. Strange? Did they move?”

Kuroo made it a point to not look at the media anymore. There were too many lies and it made his blood boil, but at least the lies were better than what actually happened.

All of them were better than what happened.

The first night without you, he woke up without you beside him and felt wrong. When he finally got out of bed, he looked around the bedroom and didn’t see your stuff littered around and that made his heart drop. The last straw was not seeing you in the kitchen, baking or smiling, and it made his stomach turn.

After that night, he couldn’t stay there anymore. The apartment was empty without you.

Later that day, volleyball practice was a mess, it was even worse than the game he did earlier that week. His couch must have known what happened from the look on his face, but, thankfully, didn’t say anything.

He gave Kuroo the week off which he gladly accepted.

He went back to the apartment one last time and packed all of the things that he needed and headed over to Kenma’s. Kenma’s house always acted as a safe haven for him. It’s the place he would go to after the two of you fought, but Kenma would always kick him out before he could suggest sleeping over.

“Get out and fix your argument. You’re only going to make things worse if you hide,” Kenma would say, and then slam the door in his face.

However, when Kenma opened the door this time and saw Kuroo’s tear-stained face with bags in hand, he didn’t say anything and just opened the door. Kuroo never went over to Kenma’s house with open tears, usually, he would suck it up like a man and cry in the car ride over, but wipe his face before he rang Kenma’s doorbell.

For a while, all he did was stare at the ceiling, rejecting all of the offers Kenma gave him like water and trying to talk about it. It was only later in the night when Kuroo spilled his guts about anything.

Kenma listened carefully, never judging, but a worried expression rested on his face. “She just left?”

Kuroo wiped his cheek and took a sip of water. “Yeah...she did. I don’t blame her though...I’m just worried about her. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents, so she wouldn’t go there, and most of her friends live within 20 minutes of us and she’s not with any of them. She’s gone.”

“Kuroo…”

“And she’s pregnant,” Kuroo sobbed, “she’s probably scared, tired, holy shit. What did I do?”

“Kuroo…”

Kuroo looked up at Kenma. Kenma’s eyes widened in shock. He’s never seen Kuroo like this…

“I left her alone, Kenma,” he whispered. “I left her alone.”

Kuroo kept mumbling to himself like that until he fell asleep on the couch, choking on his words. Kenma was sitting beside him still awake and he picked up his phone. He scrolled through his contacts until your name showed up. His hand hovered over the call button for a while. It was late in Japan, but for all he knew you were on the other side of the world.

He finally clicked the call button and held it up to his ear.

You didn’t answer.

He hung up and called again.

You didn’t answer again.

He was a little disappointed, but he didn’t have his hopes up in the first place. Kenma looked over to Kuroo. He was still mumbling to himself and hugging the couch pillow, his head burrowing itself deeper into the couch cushion.

Kenma opened up your text chat. (Y/N)... I feel like you’re there. Answer me, please.

He waited a bit, but you didn’t answer. He shook his head and flipped back to the game that he was playing before Kuroo came over.

Just as he was about to beat the final boss, a message popped down on his screen.

Are you with Kuroo?

He immediately switched back to his texting app and replied, Yes.

He waited.

Leave me alone Kenma...please

Wait, just tell me if you're safe....do you need anything? Kuroo’s really worried….

I’m safe. Bye Kenma.

Your new home was a lot smaller than the one you shared with Kuroo, but you loved it. This apartment didn’t have a single trace of him. In fact, you liked how small it was; it was cozy and you never felt alone.

Well, you weren’t alone and when you felt alone, you’d look down at your ever growing abdomen and pat it, whispering, “It’s only you and me now.”

Sharing the apartment with Kuroo for years helped you, financially, in a sense. For a little less than a year, Kuroo paid for the apartment in full until you pushed to pay for half of it. From that, living without paying for a while, meant more money in your account than you expected.

You didn’t go far. You brought the furthest train ticket that was available at four in the morning and went there. Absolutely nothing was planned. For the entirety of your train ride, you looked for places that you could stay. One of the passengers, on elderly lady, Mei, who was on your train seemed to take pity on you because when she offered you cookies, you burst out crying, and she offered to help you from that point on. She was on her way back home from her husband’s grave in Tokyo.

You had luck on your side. She told you that the apartment complex she lived in had an apartment opened for rent, and a few phone calls later, you had a roof over your head.

She helped you a lot too after she found out that you were pregnant. Once you moved in, Mei would check on you every now and then to make sure you were eating and getting enough rest. The entire complex was nice to you. They would bring you sweets every now and then and wave to you in the hallways.

After the first few months, you got into a good pattern. Luckily, your work from Tokyo allowed you to work from a laptop so most of your time was spent doing work.

At first, you were angry. Always angry. You couldn’t even turn to your stress baking ways because all you thought about was how Kuroo would walk in on you baking in the kitchen, laugh, take a bite of whatever you were making, and then talk to you about what was stressing you out that day.

Then you were sad until you couldn’t be anymore. The baby was coming soon and you had to prepare, physically and mentally.

You could raise a kid here, you thought.

You can do it.

9 Months later

Your doctor put you on bed rest, a literal order to sit and do nothing until your baby came.

Since then, Mei would check up on you more often. She would bring you food and help you when you need to get up for a little bit. Mostly, she just sat beside you and told you stories about how she met her husband and how he died (which always made you cry) until you fell asleep.

You woke up in pain. Your stomach was crampy and your bed was wet. You reached up and flicked on the light.

Blood soaked your sheets.

You started to panic and cry.

Slowly and carefully, you made your way to the front door, droplets of blood following your path. You opened the door and stumbled into the hallway, making your way a couple of doors down where Mei lived.

You banged on her door until she answered, blood still spilling between your thighs.

Her eyes were half closed and she was still in her pyjamas. “(Y/N)?”

“Something’s wrong,” you cried and fell to the floor.

Kuroo’s phone wouldn’t stop ringing. Today, he came fully dressed in his uniform, so he left his bag on the gym floor and went straight to practice. His phone was on vibrate, but whenever there was a silent moment in the gymnasium, everyone could hear the phone vibrating against the floor.

It was to the point where his coach gave him an annoyed look and called for a 10-minute break.

The call just ended when Kuroo got to his bag. He had seven missed calls from an unknown number. He looked through his phone for a bit to figure out if they left any messages and right when he was about to call them back, the mystery caller returned.

“Hello?” Kuroo said.

“Hello,” the caller replied. “Are you KurooTetsurou?”

“Yes?”

“I’m calling from Uji Hospital in Saitama. You are listed as (F/N) (L/N)’s emergency contact. She is currently in recovery.”

Kuroo heart dropped. He held the phone closer. “R-Recovery?”

“Yes,” the caller said. “A neighbour of Ms.(L/N)’s brought her in early this morning and she had an emergency c-section.”

Kuroo’s coach was calling him over but he couldn’t care less about volleyball. “What hospital was it?”

You woke up with your stomach hurting. Your eyes were blurry and your throat was raw. Looking down, you saw that your abdomen deflated a bit. You turned your head to your side and saw the Mei sitting beside you.

“What happened?”

Mei jumped up. “(Y/N)? You’re in the hospital. You gave me quite the scare this morning. You had to have a c-section, but your son is fine.”

Your eyes watered. “I have a son?”

“Yes,” she smiled. “It’s a boy. Hold on a second, I’m going to get a doctor and tell them you’re awake and then I’ll see if you can hold your son.”

You nodded. “Thank you.”

Your doctor returned without Mei and checked on you. You had to stay for a few days to make sure there were no infections or complications, but otherwise, you were in good health. Mei came back and stayed with you a bit and then had to leave, but assured you that a nurse was going to bring your baby down so that you could meet.

You don’t know how long you waited, but your eyes were getting tired. Once you heard a knock on your door, you sat up slowly, hoping that it was the nurse.

“Come in.”

Kuroo was standing at the door. He was in his volleyball uniform and he was breathing heavily.

“(Y/N).”

You frowned and leaned back into the bed. “How did you know where I am?”

Hesitantly, Kuroo took a step into the room and shut the door behind him. “I guess….I’m your emergency contact?”

“Oh,” you said. You forgot you changed it to him. After you left home, the emergency contact was your parents by default, but when you and Kuroo started getting serious, you changed it to him. You always meant to tell him, but you forgot.

Kuroo took another step closer to you. “I didn’t know I was your emergency contact...I was really surprised when I got the call, but I came as soon as I could...”

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” Kuroo rushed. “It’s okay.”

You were playing with the blanket, looking down. The two of you were nothing like you were months ago.

“I went back to the apartment, after that day,” Kuroo whispered. He was looking at the monitors that you were hooked up too, but his glaze slowly moved to you. “I went back a couple of hours after….but you were already gone.”

“Oh…”

“I’m not blaming you,” he said, taking another step closer. You always kind of hated how tall he was, especially knowing that you were laying in a bed. He was towering over you.“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry and that sounds like such a stupid word right now, but I am truly sorry.”

You looked up at him. His hair was longer than before and he looked a bit skinner. “What were you going to tell me? That day?”

Kuroo blinked. “I was going to tell you that I’m all in.”

“Kuroo…”

“Wait,” he said, holding out his hand. “Just listen to me okay? And then you can say whatever you want to say and I’ll accept it, or at least see if from your perspective, okay?”

You nodded slowly, relaxing your arms into the blanket.

“I am all in,” Kuroo started. “I want this. I want everything with this — with you. I’m sorry for what I said. It was a reaction. A bad reaction and I know that I can’t take it back, but I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I’m sorry (Y/N). I want the rest of my life to be with you and our baby if you’ll let me.”

You were silent and Kuroo was looking at you with hopeful eyes.

“I don’t know,” you whispered, shaking your head. “How do I know if 5 or 10 years down the line you’ll change your mind and history repeats itself? Kuroo, the moment I told you, you left me. I don’t….I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.”

“(Y/N), I -”

There was a knock on the door followed by it opening. A nurse walked in pushing a cart with an opened plexiglass top box and a baby in it, your baby. You watched as Kuroo stepped aside, his eyes glued in the baby as the nurse grew closer to you.

The nurse looked to Kuroo and then back at you. “Am I interrupting something? I can come back.”

“No,” you said quickly, tears blurring your vision. “No...I— can I hold him?”

“Him?” Kuroo whispered. There were tears in his eyes too, but he froze in place.

The nurse smiled at you. “Of course.”

The nurse carefully lifted the baby out of the plexiglass box and placed him in your arms. You held the baby close.

He was so small.

“Do you have a name yet?” The nurse asked.

“No...I um…”

You held your baby closer. He was sleeping or at least you thought he was sleeping. He was kind of opening and closing his eyes, but he remained still for the most part. He was perfect.

“Can I see him?” You looked up at Kuroo. He was still standing in the same place, but he looked as if he wanted to rush over.

You looked down. The baby was nestling into the crook of your arm. “Yeah, come over.”

“I’ll give you two some privacy,” The nurse said, and left the room.

Kuroo walked over to your bed and crouched down beside you, careful not to touch you. His eyes were wide. He held out his finger carefully and touched his son’s cheek. “He’s perfect.”

This was perfect. This moment.

“Kuroo?”

He looked up at you, his hand still on the baby’s cheek. “I don’t trust you still….and I can’t say it’ll be a perfect system, but our baby...he’s only a couple of hours old, but he already deserves the best. I want him to have everything and...everything includes you. I’m willing to try.”

Kuroo nodded his tears streaking down his. “Thank you.”

You smiled and looked back at your son. “What should we name him?”

Just a small note...I know absolutely nothing about pregnancy or Japan’s geography so just disregard any inconsistencies about that...

I hope you all enjoyed it!!! Like I said before, this is my first time writing something like this before, so I hope it was okay! I’ll try not to be late next time too...but I said that last time so….sorry about that!! But Bacon is the best so :(( (I know I am - Bacon)

*Bonus* I think they would’ve named their son after Mei’s late husband cause she helped so much...I didn’t write it but just know Mei helped a lot:(

Thank you for reading! -Kiwi

Posted: 03/07/2020

#haikyuu x reader #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo x reader #Haikyuu #x reader #oneshot #oneshots #haikyuu oneshots #haikyuu reader insert #reader insert #aus #haikyuu aus #fluff #haikyu #anime x reader #anime #manga x reader #manga

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sierrabinondo · 3 years

Text

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could.

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration.

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid.

then... the following week came.

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of.

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah.

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.”

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic.

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried.

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal.

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs.

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH. i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am

-watching so. much. anime.

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

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kpoptrashibnida · 4 years

Text

Enchanted Pt. 1

A/N: So I am a total liar because I said I was going to do a Taehyung One Shot, but I am not. I don’t think I was meant for the One Shot lifestyle. I think my problems stems with having too many details in my work :( but I hope that you guys enjoy the beginning of this Tae mini series. I am going to try and stick to 3 to 4 parts, but we shall see. Happy reading! And as always, constructive criticism is always welcome/appreciated!

Moving to South Korea on your own seemed like a good choice at some point. Especially since you came to live with a boyfriend you made online and he promised you a wonderful life in an exciting country. Of course you were too naive to see what was really happening even though your friends and family tried talking you out of it the whole time, up to the day you were due to leave for Incheon.

It was a big surprise to you when you arrived at the airport and he wouldn’t answer your texts. You figured he was stuck in traffic or on his way and didn’t want to text while driving, which is a good thing. But after waiting at the pickup curb for half an hour with still no answer, you started to worry. What if he got in an accident? Is he okay? He couldn’t have forgotten that you were arriving today because you sent him a screenshot of your flight info. Deciding that you had enough, you finally decide to call him.

We are sorry, the number you have dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Goodbye.

“What the heck?” You whisper to yourself. You try it one more time and get the same message, your heart sinking. Is he ignoring you right now? Why isn’t he picking up? You log into your instagram to message him and your stomach twists in knots when you realize he blocked you. Your chat was no longer available and when you looked him up by username nothing came up. Tears welled up in your eyes at the realization that he was not coming for you and he just completely ghosted you. How could he do such a thing? Why would he promise to live his life with you and have you come out to a foreign country where you only know him just to abandon you? Did he mean it when he said he loved you? Or was it all just a game for him?

Deciding that wallowing in self pity at the airport surrounded by strangers was not something you were about to do, you wipe away the stray tears and get to work.

‘This is why we came with a plan.’ You say to yourself, glad that you didn’t just come without a proper plan in place and blind trust on that bastard you once called your boyfriend.

You looked up a hostel near the airport that was accessible by bus and started on your new journey. Thankfully the public transportation in Korea is amazing and you didn’t have to wait long to get on the bus. Once there, you made sure you kept your ears open for the name of your stop, grateful that you were smart enough to learn some basic Korean so you can get around without a problem.

Taking a deep breath you try not to let your pain crush you and you manage to keep your tears at bay. Even though things are not going the way you planned, that was not going to ruin your plans to live in this country. You are going to make it work and show that bastard that you don’t need him.

****3 months later****

“Hey do you think you can cover my closing shift tomorrow? I have to go wedding dress shopping with my sister.” Minyoung, my coworker asked.

“Yeah that’s fine.” You say with a smile. Any extra income is welcomed especially because rent is almost due and you’re short.

Working at the cafe part time makes you just enough for your rent, but it’s still not enough. The cafe is close by some entertainment agencies and it’s always filled with crazy hopeful fans and on rare occasions, the idols themselves. It was hard to know sometimes because most of the time they were wearing face masks, but on rare occasions they came in without one. You weren’t particularly a big fan of any of these artists but you could say that they were very talented. Minyoung was your closest coworker and she was extremely obsessed with them. She would listen to their music all the time and talk about them non-stop. It was endearing but you were lost half of the time. She tried getting you into it but you were busy with work and your side job as an English tutor, that you didn’t really have a lot of extra time available. Binge watching music videos and tv performances is a luxury you couldn’t quite afford.

Your English tutoring was what made it possible for you to survive without having to eat ramen all day every day. It was great because that way, you didn’t have to call your family and ask them for help. Your parents were no longer angry with you, but they were concerned. You assured them that you were fine and everything was under control, even though they didn’t know that you were actually ditched the second you arrived in the country. You were going to tell them, but you wanted to wait and make it seem like you broke up later on.

Now, however, you were struggling to make ends meet because the family you tutor for left for a two month vacation and you were out of that extra income for that time. So you were more than willing to cover as many shifts as possible, even if it wasn’t the same as your tutoring job. What mattered was that your bills were paid on time, even if you had to eat ramen with Kimchi every day.

You sighed a breath of relief when it was finally time for you to clock out for the day. Your back and feet were so sore, the thought of a hot shower excited your tired limbs. You bid goodbye to your coworkers as you grabbed your purse and left the building. You saw a huge black van park in front of the cafe and you felt grateful that you were off and didn’t have to help the huge group that was coming in. It looked like the type of vans that idols use, but it could also be a school group or even a church group. Regardless, you were glad it wasn’t your problem and you can go home to relax. Besides, who gets coffee this late? The cafe was practically empty now.

Your apartment was close to the coffee shop therefore your commute was short. You lived in an older building but the rent was low and your landlord was nice. She was a sweet old lady that helped you out and didn’t treat you differently just because you were a foreigner. She checks up on you a lot and gives you some banchan from time to time, which you always appreciate because her cooking is amazing.

You take your shoes off as soon as you enter your apartment and sigh at the mess you left in the kitchen this morning before going to work. You woke up late and in a rush to eat some breakfast and make some coffee, so it looked like a tornado passed by your kitchen. You were extremely exhausted and decided that the kitchen could wait until after a nice hot shower and maybe some fried chicken from the place down the street.

After your much needed shower and a clean kitchen, you were able to enjoy your fried chicken while watching some TV. You didn’t watch a lot of Korean TV, mainly sticking to streaming apps like Netflix. But you did enjoy watching the music shows from time to time and tonight was some kind of comeback stage. You watched as the myriad of girls screamed on the TV screen and rolled your eyes at the noise, extremely amused at how they idolized these people. You had to admit that these artists were all gorgeous- men and women, although you knew that the makeup was attributed to it as well. You never knew that men could be cute and sexy at the same time. These pop idols were not afraid to rock some femininity but still managed to look manly and sexy all in one. It was something completely different than what you see back home, but you were not complaining. Before you knew it, exhaustion crept over you and pulled you under without warning.

The second you walked into the cafe you could feel a buzz of energy in the atmosphere that was a little too much for you at such an early hour.

“What’s going on?” You ask Minuk, taking in the giddy whispers of some of the female staff.

“They’re losing their minds because BTS came in yesterday to get some coffee and they are practically drooling.” He grumbles, rolling his eyes at the ridiculous situation.

“They would.” You shake your head, knowing that Minyoung is going to cry the second she hears that BTS was here after she had gone home.

“When did they come?” You ask the group of giddy girls.

“Literally like a minute after you left yesterday! If only you had stayed a little longer.” Bora answers, she was the one who worked the evening shift with you yesterday and she stayed to close the shop.

“It was so amazing. They’re all so nice and down to earth.” She swooned, tying her apron around her waist.

You chuckle at her dreamy expression, thoroughly amused at the whole situation. BTS are a very popular group so it makes sense that they came to get coffee once the place was empty and they had a low chance of getting mauled by crazy fans. You had to admit that they are very talented and passionate about what they do. Since Minyoung is a huge fan of theirs, she would force you to listen to their music and stream any music video that they would release. You would oblige but you haven’t gotten too into KPOP. While you enjoyed listening to it over the speakers at the cafe, the grocery stores and basically anywhere you went, you weren’t a hardcore fan by any means. You were still trying to get fully settled in this country and your priorities were different right now. Perhaps in the future it’s something that you can get more into.

The day went by in a rush and you were surprised at how tired you felt once you finally sat down to have your lunch. Well, it was more like dinner because you were all so busy that getting a break was almost impossible. Today was the first day of the holiday drinks and it seems like all of Seoul was anticipating this day because the incessant line of customers just died down five minutes ago. You were closing for Minyoung today and you were working the closing shift with Dara. she insisted you take a break to eat something before she headed home for the night. You were very thankful because you were starving and your feet ached.

“Okay I’m all done.” You say, coming back from the back room.

“Did you chew your kimbap at all?” She teased, noticing that your break was way too short.

“It’s fine.” You waved her off, you much preferred to get your cleaning tasks out of the way to make closing easier.

“You know what I noticed? Since it was busy all day no one ground the coffee beans for tomorrow’s opening shift. I’m going to do that right now before I leave. It should take me about twenty minutes.” She informs you.

“Oh gosh, yes please. We cannot leave without doing that first. Are you sure you want to stay and do it? Your shift is basically over.” You say, not wanting to keep her here unnecessarily.

“Of course. Besides, it's dead right now and I doubt anyone is going to come in within the next twenty minutes.” She brushes you off and heads to the back where the coffee grinder is.

Thankful for the help, you decide that you should start on your cleaning tasks so you can get out of here soon too. You were concentrating on trying to get a stubborn stain off a table that you were startled when you heard the door’s bell jingle, signaling someone coming into the cafe.

“Welcome.” You quickly greet, bowing at the customer.

“Are you still open?” The deep voice asks, his eyes looking at you intently.

“Yes we are, no worries.” You say, quickly walking back to the register. “What can I get for you?” You ask, taking in the customer’s appearance. He is wearing a black cotton face mask so you can’t see his face that well.

“I’ll have a medium hot chocolate.” He says, looking right at you.

You type the order in the POS system and try not to turn red under the strangers gaze. You are a foreigner after all and you should really be used to the stares by now. One thing is seeing a foreigner on vacation, another thing is seeing them working and living here.

“Okay, anything else?” You ask, briefly glancing up to look at him.

“Just that.” He answers, shaking his head lightly.

“Is it for here or to go?” You ask as you run his card for his total.

“Here.” He says and you quickly look up at him. He just stares back at you and you quickly look back down, the heat now spreading all over your face. It wasn’t very often that people would have their drinks in the cafe this close to closing time, but you couldn’t complain. You informed him that you would bring his drink to his table and he thanked you in that deep voice of his.

You quickly got to making his drink and you carefully took it to his table. As you approached, you could see that he removed his face mask and it was dangling from one of his ears. You were curious to see if his face was as attractive as his voice. The moment you were in front of his table, your breath hitched in your throat. He was very handsome, his smooth skin looking beautiful under the cafe lighting; his hair was fluffy and it looked so soft, making you want to touch it.

“Here you go.” You say with a smile, carefully placing the mug in front of him.

“Thank you.” He says, looking right at your face. You held eye contact for about two seconds but inevitably looked away and walked back to the barista station, deciding that it was the perfect time to clean the area.

You kept glancing back to the table where the guy was and noticed that he would be looking in your general direction and that made you nervous. You hated being watched as you did your job, but he was the only person here.

“Hey, I’m all done with the coffee, I’m going to head out.” Dara says, coming from the back and breaking you from your inner freakout.

“Okay, thank you so much for that.” You thank her, glad that your workload has lessened.

“Oh, I didn’t hear the customer come in.” She says, barely noticing the man sitting at the table. “Oh my gosh.” She suddenly whispered, her eyes as wide as saucers.

“What?” You ask, looking back at the customer and noticed he looked away the second you looked his way.

Dara quickly pulled you to the back, away from his sight.

“That’s Taehyung from BTS!” She whisper-shouted, her body trembling slightly out of excitement.

“Oh. No wonder he looked kind of familiar.” You shrug, his ridiculously good looks now making sense.

“How can you be so passive about this? He’s BTS’s Taehyung!” Dara shakes you slightly, making you laugh at her excitement.

“He’s just a human being.” You reply, rolling your eyes.

You walk back out to the front of the cafe and almost jump back when you see that Taehyung is no longer sitting down but standing right at the counter. Dara eyes you nervously but says her goodbyes, leaving you alone with Taehyung.

“Sorry about that wait. Is there anything else I can help you with?” You ask, your customer service voice on.

“No that’s all, I just didn't want to leave the mug on the table.” He explains, smiling at you.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that. Thank you.” You say, bowing slightly and picking up his mug.

He stood there watching you place the mug in the sink, making you feel self conscious about your actions. You slowly turn to look at him, his soft eyes watching your every move. He held eye contact with you for what felt like an eternity but was probably about five seconds. Before you could break eye contact or say anything, he gave you a cute boxy smile, your heart beating irregularly at the sight.

“Have a good night.” He finally said and bowed, before turning around and heading out.

“..Um, uhhh, yeah you too.” You mumble, watching his figure walk out to a car that was parked across the street.

You shook your head and tried to forget the odd encounter, focusing now on locking the door and making this place sparkly clean for the morning shift… which you are working.

By the time you made it to your front door you were practically dragging your feet, exhaustion wracking your whole body. You went straight to the shower and then straight to bed, too tired to even feel hungry.

“You freaking bitch, tell me all about it!” Minyoung screeched the second she walked through the doors of the cafe, which thankfully was empty at the moment.

“Will you keep it down?” You chastise, worried that customers are going to be coming in while she is screaming and cursing.

“Dara texted me last night and said that Kim Taehyung, THE Kim Taehyung was here last night! Is that true?” She questions you, wanting all the details. She is a hardcore BTS fan after all.

“Yes, I didn’t realize who it was until Dara told me.” You tell her, rolling your eyes at her whines about how she can’t believe that you didn’t recognize someone as amazing and handsome and Taehyung.

“Okay but all that aside, I do want to ask you something.” She says after the first wave of customers finally leave.

“What’s that?” You ask, scared of what she might come up with.

“Want to come to a BTS concert with me? My friend and I bought tickets a while ago but she can’t go anymore. If you’re interested, you can have her ticket. You haven’t been to a kpop concert yet and it’s a great experience you should have.” She tried to convince you.

A concert sounded like a lot of fun, especially since you haven’t done many fun things since you arrived in Korea. Minyoung is the first friend you made and you haven’t been able to spend much time with her outside of work because you’re always so busy and you need some distraction.

“Okay, I guess I’ll go.” You give in, smiling at her excited jumping. She promised that you would have a great time and not regret it, which you hope was right.

It was the day of the concert and you were excited to go with Minyoung, even though she was literally going crazy with excitement. She coordinated your outfits in case you got to meet the boys; which you knew was almost impossible but you let her be with her wishful thinking. You felt comfortable and confident in your all-black ensemble, your cute skirt and top giving you a confidence you have not felt in a while, ever since your ‘boyfriend’ ditched you the second you got to this country.

This concert was unlike anything you have experienced back home and you were feeding off people’s energy. Everyone in the stadium was excited and you could feel it in the air and it was contagious. You laughed at the way everyone screamed at the top of their lungs the second the stage started to rise, indicating the start of the concert. The noise was deafening, especially since you had tickets in the pit, right below the stage. Words couldn't describe what you felt throughout the concert. These guys were not just excellent artists, they were amazing performers. The energy they radiated was incredible and you soon found yourself screaming along with the thousands of fans. You were familiar with BTS and knew the name of the different members so it was easy to follow along with the fan chants. There came a point in the concert where the members went to different parts of the stage and they were singing, dancing, being silly and waving at the fans and the cameras. You immediately recognized the member that went to your side of the pit, since he was just at the coffee shop not that long ago. Minyoung was next to you, singing at the top of her lungs while you swayed next to her, smiling at the soulful way she was singing. You were so busy taking everything in, you didn’t notice the person staring at you; his eyes glued to your face and not looking away.

“Omg, look!” Minyoung practically shouted in your ear, your eyes following the direction her finger was pointing.

You see Taehyung walking in front of your section, singing his part of the song, all while looking right at you. You made eye contact with him and he did not break away. You telt like you were in a trance, his brown orbs so tantalizing you couldn’t look away even if you wanted to. You felt as if the earth stood still and the only people in that stadium were the two of you. It felt silly to say, but you honestly felt as if there was an invincible cord pulling you towards him, strong and unrelenting. You don’t know if he felt it too, but the way his brown eyes looked at you, it made you feel like perhaps he did.

The moment was broken when he suddenly looked away and ran back to his members that were standing in the main portion of the stage again. The beginning of their last song for the night started and you watched amazed as you still felt that strong pull. Was this something all the fans felt? If so, you totally understand now why they’re so loved by them. The concert ended with a spectacular performance and you were surprisingly sad that the concert was over. Perhaps it was time for you to start finding some time to get more into this band.

“Okay, bitch! What the hell was that?” Minyoung asks excitedly as you walk back to the subway station.

“What was what?” You ask innocently, hoping she would buy your bs lie.

“Girl don’t play dumb with me, you know exactly what I’m talking about.” Minyoung was not having your faux innocence today.

“I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.” You try to play it off but it was no use. You knew she was not going to let you off the hook that easily.

“Come on, don’t be a jerk and tell me!!!!” She practically yelled, earning some glares from a few of the older people waiting for the subway.

“Okay fine.” You relent. “I honestly don’t know what that was all about, but it looked like Taehyung was looking at me. It could have just been a coincidence though.” You try to brush it off, but your heart was being fast at the memory, calling you a liar because it knew that it wasn’t just a coincidence.

“Yeah, okay, coincidence my ass. He was looking right at you and you know it.” She insists as you enter the subway, sitting down on the empty seats.

“Do you think he remembers you from the cafe?” She asks, eyes twinkling at the possibilities.

“I don’t think so. They see and meet a lot of new people all the time, I highly doubt he remembers me. Maybe it’s odd for him to see a foreigner at a show here in Korea.” You offer, not believing that you were special enough for such a successful man to remember.

“Whatever! There are tons of foreigners at their shows here. Trust me girl, I know what I saw. And if he comes by the coffee shop by himself again, then I know I’m right.” She insists as the both of you get off at your subway stops.

“Well if you insist, but I don’t think that’s true.” You say with finality.

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Minyoung waved you off, the both of you parting ways.

You arrive at your apartment and make a beeline to the shower, wanting to wash off the sweat and makeup from the night. Your mind was still buzzing from the encounter at the concert, your stomach fluttering with a mix of excitement and nervousness. Your mind told you that it meant nothing, that it was pure coincidence. But there was a small part of you that wondered if he really remembered you and the look you shared meant something more.

You fell asleep still thinking of those brown eyes, their warmth encompassing you into unconsciousness.

It was two days after the concert and you were exhausted from working two double shifts in a row. Dara had covered your shift so you could go to the concert and now you were paying her back. You also picked up an extra shift because you wanted to eat more than just ramen once your rent was paid. It was an hour before closing and Hana had just left since it was a slow night. You sat at a stool and rested your back for a second, your lower back killing you. The cafe was empty and you needed a small break before you started to clean all the tables. Hopefully you wouldn’t get many more customers at the end of the night.

“Hi, are you still open?” You hear a gruff voice say as they enter the cafe. You stood up at the speed of light and walked back to the counter, embarrassed that a customer walked in and you’re just sitting around.

“Yes, welcome.” You say, bowing slightly.

You look up to take the order of the customer and your breath hitches in your throat, your eyes not believing the sight before them. There stood Kim Taehuyng, his mask hanging from one of his ears.

“Hello, can I get a medium hot chocolate?” He orders, a small smile gracing his lips.

“Oh, of course. For here or to go?” You ask, suddenly wishing that he says to go.

“For here.” He answers.

After you collect payment, you quickly get to work on his hot chocolate. You notice that he sat at the bar and was watching you make his drink, which was extremely nerve wracking. You take a deep breath and turn around, meeting his curious brown eyes.

“Here you go.” You say and place the cup in front of him, averting your gaze.

“Thank you.” He says, his soft deep voice sending a shiver down your spine.

You get to work, hastily cleaning up the tables and hoping that he leaves soon. He makes you oddly nervous and you don’t know why. It could be the way his eyes seem to stare intently at you, but you can’t be sure. Maybe that’s the type of person that he is and it means nothing. But something in the depths of your stomach makes you feel like that’s not the case. You’re almost done cleaning up the cafe when you hear the stool scrape against the floor, indicating that he has gotten up. You look over, expecting him to be halfway to the door by now but were surprised to see him still standing by the bar.

“Can I get you anything else?” You ask, wondering why he is still here.

“No that’s all.” He says, still staring.

“Okay.” You answer, staring back at him.

The silence was very awkward and you didn’t know what to do so you stood in place. He was just looking at you and you could feel your face getting red, giving you away. Could you be blamed? He is such a gorgeous person, you really did not know how to react to him standing there and looking at you like he’s never seen such a monstrosity before.

By the grace of all things holy, he finally broke the silence.

“What’s your name?” He asks curiously, confusing you further.

You stared at him in awe, wondering why the hell Kim Taehyung wanted to know your name. After a few seconds of stupefied silence, you mumbled your name, hoping it was coherent enough.

“I’m Kim Taehyung.” He introduces himself, such a silly thing.

“I know.” You say without thinking, mentally slapping yourself for being so stupid.

He chuckles slightly and you can feel the redness coating your face once again. Great.

“Were you at our concert the other night?” He asks and you swear you have to be dreaming. None of this is real.

“Um, yeah?” You say uncertain, not understanding what’s going on at all.

“I remember you. I hope you enjoyed it.” He flashes a heart stopping smile and you swear you have died and gone to heaven. What the hell is going on?

“Yes, um, I had a great time.” You nod, the urge to pinch yourself very strong because you swear this is a lucid dream.

“Good, I’m glad. I have to get going now.” He tells you and you nod, not understanding what he wants you to do with that information. Of course he has to get going, he can’t stay at the cafe all night.

“I don’t normally do this but, I was wondering if I can get your number?” He asks and has the audacity to look shy and cute and hot all at the same time. Who is this man?

“Uh, ye-yes.” You mumble and write your Kakao id on a sticky note and hand it to him.

“Thanks.” He flashes you a bright smile and bows, waving goodbye.

You bow back and watch his frame walk out of the cafe and into the night. Slapping yourself across your face, the sting indicates that indeed, you did not dream all that up. It was reality and you had no idea why Kim Taehyung wanted your phone number.

You quickly finished cleaning up the last few things you needed before finally closing the cafe and heading home. It was a chilly night and your light sweater was not enough to stop the nippy air from hitting your skin. You power walked home and sigh in relief when the warm air thawed out your skin. After your shower, you had some leftover kimbap for dinner and settled on the couch to watch some late night tv. You were so concentrated on the show that you jumped at the sound of your KakaoTalk chime, indicating you got a message. Reaching for your phone, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you see the unknown sender’s message.

KTH: Hey this is Taehyung. Did you get home safely?

You jumped on your seat and blinked your eyes repeatedly, not believing what your eyes were seeing. Was he actually serious?

Me: Hey, yes I did. Thank you for checking in.

You sat on your couch in anxious excitement. Biting your thumb nail, you were staring down your phone to see if he would reply. When did you turn into this person?

KTH: Good, I’m glad. I was wondering that if you are available, would you like to get something to drink tomorrow night?

Oh crap. Is he serious?

Me: Sure, that sounds great.

Your knee was shaking in excitement, the disbelief coming and going in waves. Was this actually happening? What did you ever do to deserve this?

KTH: Great! I’ll text you the details tomorrow. Good night :)

Me: Good night

You screamed into your pillow, heart racing at the possibilities that tomorrow will bring. You? Getting drinks with THE Kim Taehyung? You don’t know what brought this on, but you will not question it, that’s for sure.

#taehyung #kim taehyung #taehyung scenario #taehyung fluff #bts scenarios #bts fluff #bts #taehyung and you #taehyungxyou #kpop

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turquoise-stones · 4 years

Text

Edge of Insanity Pt. 3: Closer

yandere!Todoroki x fem!reader

Previous Chapter

. . .

"Good morning everyone…" you yawned, slipping into your seat. It was early in the morning (earlier then you would have liked) and homeroom was about to begin.

Uraraka walked in a moment later, frowning at your slumped over form. "What happened to you (y/n)?"

You let out a groan of exhaustion which only caused the concern on Uraraka's face to grow.

"She had to stay late in the library yesterday because some children made a mess." Todoroki explained from a few seats over, remembering the chaotic events he had witnessed yesterday.

"Uh huh…" you sighed, running a hand through your messy hair and resting your cheek on your hand so that you could look at the two of them. "And then there was math homework and history notes and a science lab and English reading… urg."

It had been a couple of weeks since you had first transferred over, and you were starting to get comfortable with your new classes and classmates. And while the class was exponentially harder than your old one, you couldn't say that you missed General Studies. In Class 1-A, you felt welcomed. You didn't hate waking up in the mornings anymore. Even if your muscles were always in pain from training, your mood had improved so much because school wasn't so emotionally draining anymore.

"You could have texted me for help!" She admonished.

"I thought about it… but by the time I started you were probably asleep already…" you yawned out, causing Uraraka's mouth to drop open.

Even Inomata hadn't spoken to you since that first day. You briefly (very briefly) entertained the idea that Shinsou had spoken to her, but decided that he was probably too aloof to go out of his way to protect you like that. Maybe she had reformed her ways! But knowing her, probably not.

But the best part of it all was the people you were now surrounded with. They radiated positive, hardworking energy that was so infectious that you were more motivated than you had ever been. Your friends (and you were sure to call them your friends now) had adopted you into their group, and made sure you weren't ever alone. Iida mothered you and helped you with work, Uraraka kept you smiling and cheerful, Midoriya helped you train and pushed you to be stronger, and Tsuya grounded you with her down to earth vibe. Even Shinsou made an effort to talk to you. After being surrounded by negative people for so long, you had forgotten what it was like to be a happy student. It felt too good to be true.

And of course, you gravitated towards Todoroki. As Uraraka had said earlier, he really did go to the library after school each day to study. Every time you peeked out from the kid's section where you worked, he would be there, typing away at his laptop, doing worksheets, and you even caught him napping once or twice. It had taken a lot of nerve, but about a week in you finally pulled up a chair next to him after your shift ended. You weren't quite sure what compelled you to do it, maybe a mix of curiosity towards him and a slight crush.

The first few times you sat with him were nothing more than studying and helping each other with homework. You had a pretty good background in English and helped him with that, and he helped you in the areas where you were struggling. But you didn't like studying as much as you liked it when he just talked with you, in those hushed library whispers, about anything and everything. It was it the depths of those conversations where you learned that the two of you got along surprisingly well. You enjoyed the same books as him, watched similar shows, had similar aspirations. Your personalities meshed together so well, and made talking with him was so incredibly freeing. Those quiet moments in the library were the only times when you (sparingly) saw him smile. He never brought up that moment in the cafe, and you were happy to keep it that way.

And your relationship with him transferred into the school day as well. Your friends had noticed how you chose to sit next to him during lunch, how you chose to spar with him, how the two of you left school to go to the library together. They didn't say anything, but sent each other knowing looks whenever they caught the two of you together. It was heartwarming, how fast you had adjusted to class.

. . .

Right before lunch, Shinsou stopped you as you exited the girl's locker room. He was slightly out of breath, and still damp looking from his after gym shower. You raised an eyebrow at him, a little freaked out.

"I need to talk to you." He hissed, grabbing onto your wrist and tugging you away from the stream of people. "Right now."

. . .

Todoroki's eyes suddenly stung like hell, which snapped him out of his daze. After washing out the soap furiously, he leaned back into the shower water and scrubbed out the shampoo with a heavy sigh. Like it had been for the past couple weeks, his mind was occupied with thoughts about you. Your words from that day in the cafe had kept him on edge. They were so… off-putting. Yet when the two of you talked, you seemed so happy and normal. Were you just exceptionally good at hiding your problems? Was he being dense? Or was he just reading too deep into things? He couldn't understand what was bothering you, and he felt that it was out of his place to ask outright after seeing how badly you reacted the first time he asked.

Either way, he could not deny the oddly protective way he felt about you. After all, you were sweet, very charming and even cute at times. He didn't quite know how to deal with the outpour of strange emotions he was feeling for the first time. Turning the water off, he stepped out and dried himself, before shrugging on his school uniform and making his way out of the boy's locker room. He wandered towards the cafeteria, thinking about the cold soba he was about to enjoy, before spotting your figure further down the hall. He watched as Shinsou flagged you down, pulling you around the corner and out of view.

He frowned at the sight, wondering why Shinsou of all people would need to talk to you. You shouldn't be going off with people alone, especially not Shinsou, who could manipulate you and make you do things you didn't want to... He had grabbed your hand… was it your hand? He couldn't tell from so far away. Either way, he shouldn't be touching you. Todoroki had half the mind to follow you and make sure you were okay, but stopped himself. Shaking his head in frustration, he tried to clear his mind of those thoughts. What was wrong with him? You could talk to whoever you wanted, and he had no right to follow you around. Plus Shinsou wasn't going to hurt you or anything… right? Someone bumped into him and Todoroki realized that he had stopped moving. He glanced at the spot where you had disappeared one last time, conflicted, before choosing to go to lunch.

. . .

Shinsou pulled you further and further into the school before choosing an empty classroom (there were quite a few since it was lunchtime) to enter.

He pushed you out of the window's line of sight before finally turning to you. You snatched your wrist out of his grip and rubbed the slight pain away.

"What the actual hell Shinsou?" You hissed, glaring up at him.

"Don't you know what people are saying about you?"

"What?"

"Well I'm glad I get to break the wonderful news to you." He said flatly. "Apparently somebody made a post hinting that a certain someone paid their way into class 1-A. They didn't name any names but… well let's just say that nobody thinks it's me."

You blinked at him, dread slowly creeping in as you processed his information.

"Are you… are you joking…?" You asked quietly. He wasn't smiling. "Are you actually serious? What the hell…"

"Yes, I'm serious. The post blew up and now literally everyone except you seems to know."

"How did you find out?"

"An old friend from General Studies told me."

You felt nauseous suddenly, and sank down into one of the chairs next to you. Did your friends know? They couldn't yet, since they behaved so normally this morning. You opened your mouth to speak but shut it again when you realized that you didn't have anything to say.

"It's not true is it?"

You glared icy daggers at him, furious that he even had the nerve to ask. Your expression was enough to make him step back a bit.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to make sure." He walked to the other side of the desk, sitting down opposite you. You took a calming breath.

"Who posted it? Was it Inomata?"

He shrugged. "I'm guessing. I don't follow her social media but I don't see who else it could be."

"And people… people believe her?"

"She's pretty popular and she didn't say your name explicitly so people are coming to their own conclusions." He stated, running a hand through his hair.

"Christ. Why… why why why. I thought this was over. Why can't she…" you groaned in frustration, pulling your knees to your chest and tucking your face into them. You wanted to cry. Your emotions were swirling and you felt like throwing up.

"I'm… I'm just so done with this. Why does she hate me so much? Why can't she just leave me alone?" You despaired. "I… I don't even have the money to pay rent every month. How can I even pay someone off…"

Shinsou shifted uncomfortably, feeling like he should comfort you but not knowing how. A quiet moment passed and you squeezed your knees tighter, not wanting to look up and see him judging you.

You heard him shift to the seat adjacent to you. "It's alright (y/n). When you work as hard as you have, people are bound to be jealous. This will pass because they're nothing but rumors. So stop crying."

You hadn't even realized you were crying until he told you to stop. Your eyes burned and your cheeks were flushed with anger and shame.

"(Y/n)? Are you listening? Look at me."

You took a large, shuddering breath, lifting your head up slightly to wipe at your eyes, briefly looking at him before turning away. "Sorry… I just…"

He said quietly that you shouldn't apologize.

"Thank you for telling me. I'd rather hear it from you than some stranger in the halls."

He nodded, and the two of you fell into silence for a bit as you calmed your breathing and slowed your tears.

"What should I do now?" You murmured.

"You should tell our class before they hear it from someone else." He said.

"O-okay. But not right now." You said quietly. "Can I be alone for a while?"

He nodded, giving you a hesitating pat on the shoulder before exiting the room.

Next Chapter

#yandere #yandere todoroki #yandere shoto todoroki #yandere todoroki shouto x reader #todoroki shōto #todoroki shouto #mha shouto #shouto x reader #bnha todoroki #bnha x reader #bnha #bnha fanfiction #mha x reader #mha #reader insert

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lucidpantone · 3 years

Note

Do you rent in New York or you have a mortgage? I wanna move to NYC so bad after covid

Also thanks everyone for congratulating me. I feel really adult now and its kinda of scary when I think about it but am also super excited.

This is super long but its for my anon. I love talking about NYC real estate so let me tell you everything I know. Also if you make it here hit me up and I’ll take you out for a beer.

I have rented for years in NYC at least a decade on/off. I have lived in queens, bk and manhattan. I have paid $600 for rent and up to $2100 for rent. Its all about location in the city and also living conditions and what job you have. When I paid $600 it was my very first apartment I didnt live their long it was more like i just got to the city i needed a place to live in for a couple of months that was cheap but it was literally a closet deep in queens like basically long island at that point. So it wasnt the kinda of place you would stay in long. This is what I suggest you do. Look for a place in crown heights BK for $700-800 a month maybe for 3 months just to have somewhere to sleep at night while you find a job and get to know the city. Try to move to nyc with 2k in savings. My next move was to Astoria which is a young neighborhood in queens and super close to the city. Lived in another closest for $800 but I was by the city at least. I was in my first year of grad school so I didnt really have time to work so my options were limited but in my 2nd year of grad school I got a job working in this super fancy restaurant in the meat packing district and made bank in tips and thats when I got a “real” apt. Also I have so many stories about serving the super wealthy and movie stars in the meat packing.It was wild. You want to get a job like this just to get on your feet. The fancier the better tips but honestly even shitty dive bars in the east village have good tips. New yorkers are very generous because most have been where you are. Anyways my new apt was about 1k but the roommate was hell so I bounced out of there after 3 months and got an apt where I would come to meet my best friend and soul sister in the city. I got the biggest room I have ever lived in for 1100k in prime astoria and it was such a good apt. We had a hellish roommate but eventually she left. All these apartments were in Astoria. Astoria is a very affordable hip area to live in. I saved up my money graduated grad school got a real job and then finally I made the move into the city. Manhattan living is expensive. NYC isnt like anywhere else the money upfront they want for a studio is insane. So if your moving here do not aim to get an apt go on one of the roommate sites and just sneak into a apt where someone is moving out. So I moved into a shoebox in the Upper west side. It was $1850 and you had to pay first, last and security and the brokers fee (Oh lets not get into brokers fees people they are wild) so that was basically 1850x4 just for a shoebox studio(FYI everything is tiny in NYC, all the living spaces are micro. get use to it). So almost 8k but finally i got to live on my own. Lived there for 2 years. Move to chelsea because the UWS is beautiful but very family centric lived in this dope asf triplex in chelsea and paid 1900. Then left NYC to replace a colleague in London for maternity leave for about 16months. London is sooooo cheap compared to NYC its like the kiddie pool for expensive ass real estate. Thats why I laugh when brits are like its so expensive like bish you dont know expensive okay. When I got back I took over my friends place for the summer because she left to her hamptons pad and so I basically house sat but also paid reduced rent it was 1400 in prime Williamsburg. My friend is rich asf so my hard earned rent was her play money. After the summer ended I finally signed another real lease and thats where am at now. I adore this apartment its in prime williamsburg semi-lux and I just treated myself when I got this place. I work in a super stressful job so for me am at this point I dont mind paying to feel comfortable and have perks. I work my fucking ass off I deserve it. Ok so details on my new pad. So am going back to chelsea..... covid is a bish but lets thank her for crashing the nyc real estate market because there is no way i would be buying this apt if covid hadnt happened. I had been considering buying for a few years so I ave been saving but with no real plan. I told my dad last year during covid april that if the market dropped maybe I should buy. My family is from LA so my dad gets paying 2k in rent he did it for years too and he has been wanting me to get out of the rental market. Metro city rental markets are a racket. Anyways this would not be possible without my father. He basically said you get half the deposit saved and I will lend you the other half. Well around feb I had the half and my dad was like ok cool you find something let me know.Do not get me wrong my apt needs a TON of work thats why its so well priced and when I mean well priced I mean stupid expensive but well priced for NYC. I am going to need to redo the floors, rip out the kitchen, rip out the bathroom. Install overhead lighting, rebrick the fireplace and paint everywhere but its mine also am gonna have two months where I carry rent and a mortgage so I have 60 days to basically renovate if I get desperate I will sleep on my besties couch in brooklyn so I have am options but yea. Mortgage is close to my current rent at 2150 but I live in a COOP (this is going to be super confusing for the europeans. They like WTF is a coop?!?!?!) and so my building maintenance is about $800 on top of my mortgage. Its been a long decade of nyc renting to get here but I did. Now for you anon just do it. Look I tell everyone. Live in NYC for one year of your life it will change you entirely as a person you will learn to become a survivor here. What do they say? If you can make it in NYC you can make it anywhere. Its sooo hard and the city is literally the concrete jungle but its also amazing and so alive and so rich and yes you may find yourself one late night coming home after working 12hrs on your feet sitting on a brownstone stoop balling your eyes out thinking “I am not cut out for this” but I promise you the rewards you will earn back are irreplaceable. There is a reason people from all over the world flock here. It really is like no other place so if you can keep your head down. Work a couple of shitty jobs and get $1500 under you then pull the trigger. Take the leap! I promise it will change your life forever.

#lucidpantone anons #do it anon I promise you it will change you entire perspective on life #nyc is as brutal as it is beautiful

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halberdierminister · 4 years

Text

I have been here for an entire year.

Within one week straddling late March and early April 2019, I found out that I got passed over for the dream job I was certain I had in the bag, that the writing I submitted to Steam Ticket wasn't going to get published, and the job I had been doing for nearly two years and had seriously begun to loathe was firing me.

I did not recover from this smoothly.

Instead, I didn't find a new job, and months of being short on rent and bills caught up with me very quickly, and I was threatened with eviction. Luckily, a few of my friends were willing to help me with bills so that I did not get evicted, and another friend was willing to let me stay at her house once I had to leave the apartment until I had somewhere else to move to.

That move would be to my parents' new house outside of Sauk City, Wisconsin. They offered to let me stay with them on a few conditions. These conditions are here reproduced without any editing: You will daily look for a job Maintain a first shift sleep-wake schedule No video games No gaming equipment No anime or comics No occult books No hard rock music If friends come to visit, you will remain chaste in our home. We expect your help as we settle in, and that may vary as to tasks You will keep your room clean So over the course of the move, I sold my PS2 and my N64 and gave away my PS4 and my Xbox 360, though I kept the hard drive. I tried to sell my Gamecube, but it wasn't in good enough shape for anyone to buy. I kept my Nintendo Switch, my New 3DS XL, and my PS Vita, figuring I could keep those hidden enough as handhelds. My PSTV I had lent to a friend months previously. I also sold nearly all of my physical video games, my soundbar and my television set.

On June 19th, 2019, with the help of the friend who had housed me and now owned my old PS4, I moved from La Crosse, Wisconsin -- the city I had lived in on and off since 2008 and permanently since 2014 -- to my parents' house. On the way, we stopped in Madison, Wisconsin so I could rent a storage unit. In there I put a bunch of stuff I wouldn't need at my parents' house, including almost everything that they would have objected to. In went my Magic the Gathering cards. In went my anime wall scrolls. In went my comics and manga and Gamecube and remaining physical console games and books like "The Ethical Slut" and "Werewolf: The Apocalypse" and "Things Not Seen" which isn't even about magic or the paranormal but my mom still decided to steal it from my room once many years ago and hide it in the tool shed with my Harry Potter books and Bionicle trading cards. I also felt I should keep my Legos and stuffed animals in there too. But it wouldn't be long before I could find a full time job, get my own place, and get these things back where they belong. Except I have been here for an entire year. I was never supposed to be here this long! I really wasn't! I worked a hell of a lot. Daily looked for jobs. Even found a few. Overworked myself just about to the point of breaking. But just as I finally got a full time with benefits that would help me build a groundwork for the future… well, people realized that there was a global pandemic going on and shut down stores. My company laid off everyone who had been there 90 days or less. And I mean completely laid off with absolutely no promise of a return. My boss said that if they manage to get to a place where they could hire new people again, they would love to have me back. But she also said that she doubts that they will be in that position any time in the foreseeable future.

So.

I am still here. Which is not to say that it has been a complete wash. After all, as devastating as it was to lose my job, I cannot imagine how much more devastating it would have been if I had been living on my own and had to worry about rent or food. It really is too easy to dwell on the feeling of failure that comes from realizing I have been here for an entire year. I suppose I had better take stock of all the good things that have happened and that I have accomplished since I moved in. 1. I finished my writing portfolio, a project I started for a class in 2013 and had been absentmindedly poking at since then.

2. I rebuilt my entire resume from the ground up. 3. I read a total of 54 books in 2019. Not bad for only having read 2 the year before. 4. I started volunteering at the Sauk City Public Library, which has been fun and fulfilling. 5. I have been hired at Target, Madison College, PrePlayed and Half Price Books. I even managed to work several weeks between 40 hours and 65 hours, something I didn't think I was capable of. I may not have those jobs anymore, but being hired four times in a year is nothing to sneeze at. 6. Except I haven't been hired four times. I have been hired five times. The library was so impressed with my volunteering that when a position for Library Assistant opened up, they asked me specifically if I wanted it. Though I originally turned them down in order to work at Half Price Books, I was pleased to find that it was still open once I had lost my job and once libraries were re-opened for curbside checkout. So I asked and they hired me. It's only part time, but it is far better than nothing. 7. I have read a total of 66 books this year and we are not even at the halfway point. 8. I have finished writing two long-form fics: the poem fic The Revelation of Takaya According to Jin and the literal actual novel A Legitimate Businessman. In fact, at least 30,000 of the words for A Legitimate Businessman were written since I moved in here. That's some pretty hardcore proof that I can actually write an actual novel, something I assumed I just did not have in me. 9. I have paid off thousands of dollars in debt. All that remains is two friends and my student loans. I do not expect to pay off my student loans. 10. Through working at PrePlayed, I acquired for free two PS2s, an Xbox 360, one or two more Xbox 360 hard drives, and a Wii, which I gave to a friend. I have acquired at low cost two wireless guitar controllers for Rock Band, a PS3, and all the controllers and cables I needed to make these and my gamecube work again. I also got a bunch of games and a Gameboy Micro. On Black Friday, I purchased a steeply discounted new PS4 Slim. All of these now reside in my storage locker, except for the Gameboy Micro and the PS4, which are hidden in my room alongside my handheld systems. My hubris may be showing, but so far I have not been hit with a consequence. 11. I bought myself a new ukulele as an upgrade from the one I bought in 2011. It has a built in tuner, a neck strap, and a jack to plug into an amp. 12. I am now paying my own cell phone bill, which I have done reliably for an entire year alongside my storage locker bill. 13. I have gotten three works published this year so far and may still yet have a few on the way. 14. I've made more through Redbubble in the last year than I ever have before. In the process, I have learned a lot more about graphic design. 15. I may not be writing every day, but I am writing MOST days, something that was certainly unthinkable even last year, let alone two years ago. So. There still is lots of work to do. I still need a full time job. I will likely need to rebuild my entire resume from the ground up AGAIN. I still want out of this place. I still need a way to be authentically me. But my parents have been supportive and caring, even with their restrictive rules. And the environment has probably been less restrictive than I imagined it would be. But there's so much I still want to do and so many things I still want to be that I do not feel I can do or be here. In exactly three months, I will turn 30. I truly, truly, truly hope by that time I will have a concrete plan to get out of here. But I guess I have still done a lot.

#i guess i've made it work as best as i can i guess

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theinfamousdoctorf · 5 years

Text

So I’m finally back...

Those few who know me personally will be aware that me and @theoverworldqueen have purchased a small rural house together. <3 It’s taken the better part of a year to make it happen and several months apart while I negotiated a transfer with my job and she logged work history in the place we were moving too for the mortgage requirements. [So we were apart for several more months then we‘d planned on. ;_: ]

It took me almost two months to pack our household by myself, and several days to actually load the truck. The ‘friends’ who had promised to help us move faded away when they were actually needed, and I had to utilize some local kids who received cash and some friendly neighbors who were paid in furniture [that didn’t fit in the truck] and booze.

When the day came to actually leave, I still had no volunteers to drive the truck because none of my friends could get time off work. [I had to drive my car with our eight cats inside.] The only people available to help were my parents.

The exact people I was moving to get the fuck away from.

My mother refused to do any driving because the big truck was ‘too scary’. My pathetic excuse for a father, [from here on called jackass], would be doing all of the driving. Despite the fact that he’d just had several toes removed for diabetic reasons. My mother planned the route, later I realized she not only planned it with a paper atlas rather then choosing the fastest route via Google, [because she didn’t know how to use the app and wouldn’t ask for help] but also planned a very circuitous route in a vain attempt to avoid driving through any mountains. [Because they are also just too scary.] So we start driving. A 26 foot Budget rental truck with a small horse trailer on it, and my car with me and the cats. Before we even got out of Texas, the horse trailer hit a bump and lost a wheel. It was then dragged about a mile while throwing an ocean of sparks where the metal edge was grinding against the asphalt. This was because it happened on a narrow highway with no breakdown lane. I barely managed to avoid getting hit with the wheel that flew off as well. We sat in a parking lot all night waiting for a tow driver who basically told us the king nut flew off and it was totaled. I had a partial mental breakdown and had to abandon most of the things I’d packed into the trailer. The truck was already stuffed up to the door and what little I saved was jammed in my car and thrown on top of everything else in the truck. The cats were riding in a pair of pop-up zippered tents and were pretty mad by this point. My car stank of piss and fear pheromones.

And then we drove, and drove and drove. Keep in mind that my destination was Washington state and I was coming from Galveston TX. It should have been a 2 and a half day drive with a stop to sleep each night. Around the third day I demanded to see the map and realized she had sent us across the widest part of Texas and New Mexico before turning north. There was a lot of arguing. Especially because I realized jackass was a terrible driver. So I had no choice but to watch helplessly as this colossal asshole drove a truck rented in my name, with nearly all my worldly goods inside, over every fucking curb, bumping it up and down and weaving all over the road. He hit a call box outside a Jack in the Box, he scraped a parked truck, he hit signs at more then one gas station and skirted far too close to the pumps with the back end of the truck. I went beyond the reasonable limits of human stress.

The cats destroyed the zippers on the carriers and I was forced to just let them roam the car. First panting in the heat and then huddled freezing as we got further north. [I had them all in little safety vests and that kept them mostly calm, pro tip.] On the fourth night jackass drove into a truck stop and then behind it. Up an unlit dirt road that said ‘dangerous blasting area authorized access only’. He then turned around several times and went back down to the truck stop where I blocked him with my car. He and my mother were having a screaming match because he wouldn’t explain what he was doing or why and wouldn’t stop doing donuts in the restricted area when she told him too. I lost my shit. I screamed in his face and when he didn’t respond, I grabbed his horrible scraggy beard and then his throat and repeated myself. I took the keys and went to try and get some sleep in my car. [With so many animals in tow I couldn’t get a hotel room and really couldn’t leave the car unattended at all. So I hadn’t been able to properly shower in days. Plus I’d forgotten to bring a spare pair of shoes and my sandaled feet were red and freezing.] The bastard has always tried to make my mother choose between me and him. He’s a psychotic manic depressive on a whole rainbow of medications. He’s a misogynist who really wanted a son, plus a racist and generally stingy and awful person. A running argument revolved around his insistence on cutting my lawn three times a week with the mower blade on the lowest setting so he was just killing anything green and kicking up dust. [My mother is pure enabler, always apologizing for his terrible behavior and gaslighting me like I’m over reacting.] He’s literally alienated so many people where I was living that I’ve lost out on jobs because he insists that I’m the terrible one and trash-talks me to everyone he meets. So we finally get back on the road.

In Wyoming I tried to get some sleep at a rest stop and someone hit my car and busted out a tail light. Several times we almost run out of gas because her planned route avoided any cities in case there was traffic. At this point I have a massive rash under my bra and just take it off.

On the fifth night we arrive in a gas station in Idaho. I go to pee and come back outside to find jackass laying on the ground with three people hovering over him. I inform my mother that he fell and go back to my car. So emotionally dead at this point I don’t feel anything.

I am informed that jackass has broken his hip.

I’ve spent most of my life praying for him to die, so that part doesn’t touch me. The part that ripped my heart out was that my mother told me that I’m now ‘on my own’. She is going to the hospital with him. She left me in a freezing parking lot with eight cats in a car and a giant moving truck with all my things in it. Terrified and heartbroken I call my girlfriend Lie. She is eight hours away and leaving now to come rescue me. She’s bringing our friend Ashley as well. So I huddle in the car with the cats and try to sleep. After several hours I get a text from my mother telling me to bring her luggage and such to the hospital. At this point I’m furious. I tell her I will not do that. She says I will. I stop responding. In the morning my rescuers arrive and we begin the long final limp over the mountains. I get several more messages threatening me, trying to shame me for just ‘moving on without them’ and ‘not caring if your father dies’. I was instructed to deal with my own problems like an adult. So that’s what I did. At that point the rental truck needed to be returned and I hadn’t even arrived yet. My job was waiting on me to show up the next day for orientation, and she’d basically wasted all the time I’d budgeted for unloading the truck. There was no way in hell I was going anywhere to give either of them anything.

But we did finally get here. The Budget guy sent me his ex-wife who happily took some cash in exchange for unloading the truck with me, and we finally got rid of the thing. Unfortunately my car overheated from all the punishment it took and it’s currently non-functional. My job gave me a little extension so I’m using the time to get our household set up again. My Etsy shop [https://www.etsy.com/shop/PatchworkLaboratory ] is still on vacation for the moment because the previous tenant didn’t like mail and just didn’t have a mailbox, but it should be up and running again soon. My other site is still good though if you’d like some funky cloth and want to throw a few dollars towards me fixing my car. [ https://www.spoonflower.com/profiles/infamousdoctorf] I’ve got a paypal attached to [email protected] as well. It’s going to be hard financially to keep all the bills paid, but I just couldn’t stand being near my abusive family anymore.

In conclusion. Take your giant cockroaches, fire ants, heat waves, and hurricanes; and go fuck yourself Galveston. Have fun with my awful relatives.

WA is home.

#patchworklaboratory

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let-it-raines · 5 years

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Betting on the Bullseye (Part 15)

Summary: Emma Swan loses a bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush to be her date to her office’s annual fundraising gala. Killian Jones is that celebrity crush. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost. What she doesn’t expect is for him to say yes.

Rating: Mature

A/N: Remember when this was a one-shot? Ah, those were the days.

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tag list: @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91@branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious @thejollyroger-writer @superchocovian

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

It’s what she keeps repeating to herself over and over again as her feet hit against the stair climber. She’s tired, she’s sore, and honestly, she just wants to go home. But she’s also determined to get back into her routine, to get all of her pent-up energy out, and to actually break a sweat doing something other than blow drying her hair.

Someone should really figure out how to make blow drying hair a less hot, physical affair. Maybe she’ll do that and become rich.

If only she knew anything about science or physics or whatever would be required for that.

Doesn’t Dyson make a fancy blow dryer that’s supposed to be like that? She thinks they do, but she also knows that it costs half as much as her rent, which is insane. Also, what the hell are the people who make vacuum cleaners doing making blow dryers?

She’s kind of curious. Maybe she should look into that.

Or maybe she’s just been here for too long and her body is starting to fall apart. She’s pretty much soaked in sweat, and she knows that she’s going to have to take a shower here instead of waiting until she gets home. That would just be…unsanitary. So she finishes her workout, all of her limbs screaming at her that she should have stopped long ago, and takes a shower in the locker room, washing away absolutely everything from this hell of a week.

It's been a hell of a week. Or really a hell of a week and a half.

But that’s life. Sometimes work sucks. Sometimes she gets an unexpected or forgotten bill and has to pay it. And sometimes she misses her boyfriend.

But the work week is over tomorrow, she’s paid the bill (if not with some moaning and groaning and knowing that she has to be careful with how much she eats out until the next pay day), and she’s got a seven o’clock flight to Los Angeles tomorrow night. So sometimes life feels like it sucks, but at least there are upsides.

Mary Margaret is cooking her dinner tonight, so that’s at least one upside.

When she pulls up to the Nolan’s house, she gets out of her car and hurries inside while twisting her wet hair up into bun, not caring how bad that is for her hair. It’s weirdly quiet for their house, but she guesses that with Leo already in bed, most of the noise is gone.

“Hello,” she calls, peeking into the living and seeing no one. “Marg? David?” She wanders into the kitchen. The food is out on the counter. It looks like they’re having some kind of chicken. It smells good, but she really just wants to know where her friends are. But then she hears it, and she no longer wants to know where they are. “Oh God, that’s disgusting,” she groans, walking back into the living room and further away from the back sitting room where Mary Margaret and David are going pretty hot and heavy.

Chicken must really turn pregnant women on.

She shudders, a shiver running down her spine while she shakes that thought out of her head. While she knows pretty much everything about Ruby’s sex life, Mary Margaret is pretty quiet on that front, and Emma would like to keep it that way…especially since she now knows that Mary Margaret is not actually quiet.

If she hits her head against the wall three times, will she forget?

Emma: Do you have bleach at your house?

Killian: Um…yes?

Emma: Good.

Killian: Swan, I know I’m not always the best person, but I wouldn’t think you’re coming to my house to murder me.

Killian: And then to use my own cleaning products to cover it up. The betrayal.

Emma: You need to lay off your watching of true crime dramas. It’s putting ideas in your head.

Emma: Also, why the hell would using your own cleaning products be the betrayal? Wouldn’t the murder be the betrayal?

Killian: You know I am very particular about how I keep my house, so my products are all carefully chosen.

Emma: Because you’re weird.

Killian: Aye, now why do you need bleach if not to commit this crime of passion?

Emma: I’m at MM’s, just heard she and David having sex, and I don’t know what you do to make your hearing go away. I figured bleach worked like it would with sight.

Killian: I’ll do some research on that before you get here tomorrow.

Killian: Am I picking you up from the airport?

Emma: Nah, it’ll be late. I’ll Uber.

She hears a door close, hushed voices emanating from across the house, and she’s glad that David and Mary Margaret have finally finished their evening activities. She may never use her key again. At least she didn’t see anything. Then the bleach really would come in handy.

She might be the slightest bit dramatic.

She’s really tired.

“Hello,” she calls out, testing the waters the slightest bit.

“Emma?” Mary Margaret asks, stepping into the living room with a smile on her face and her hair still perfectly in place. How? How is her hair still perfectly in place? Actually, she doesn’t want to know. “Oh good, you’re here. Dinner is all ready. One of my student’s moms gave me a new recipe, and I think you’ll like it a lot. Why is your hair wet?” She shrugs. “I went to the gym. I pretty much ate an entire cake by myself last week, so I’m trying to work all of that off.” She gets up from the couch and wraps her arms around Mary Margaret, feeling Marg’s ever growing baby bump pressing up against her stomach. “Let’s eat.”

-/-

She punches in the code to get in Killian’s gate. If she wasn’t so excited, she’d be dead on her feet. It was a long flight, felt like longer than the last time she took it, and despite the late hour, getting out here took forever. And it was expensive. She probably should have had Killian pick her up, but it’s nearly midnight. He’s usually asleep, especially since just like she’s been trying to get back into exercising, he’s trying to get a normal sleep schedule after basically being all over the places for five months.

Yeah, she’s definitely about to wake him up too.

Sure enough, once she finally gets inside the house, everything is dark, the only light coming from the living room where Killian is passed out on the couch, his forearm thrown over his eyes while half of his body hangs off and threatens to fall to the floor. The television is still on, something about tornados playing, and she laughs a bit to herself thinking about how he fell asleep watching the weather channel.

Weirdo.

Quietly, she puts her bag on the ground and takes the few steps over to him, squatting down next to him and running her hand through his hair, brushing it off of his forehead until his eyes slowly flutter open, lashes moving from his cheeks to his brows and back and forth while he blinks the sleep away.

“Hey, KJ,” she whispers, continuing to gently run her hands through his hair.

“Swan,” he murmurs, his lips forming a small smile while he sits up on his elbows. “Shit, did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah, yeah you did.”

“I didn’t mean to. I meant to wait up and let you in, but obviously I screwed that up. Sorry, I just…I usually fall asleep far too early, normally right after we get off the phone, and I – ”

“Killian?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and kiss me.” “Well, I do so love when you’re demanding. It really – ”

She cuts him up, knowing exactly what he’s going to say and really not needing to hear his cockiness right now when all she wants to do is kiss him, so she moves closer to him and slides her lips over his. It shocks him a bit. She can tell by the way that he doesn’t immediately kiss her back, but it doesn’t take long before his hand is cupping the back of her head and pulling her closer. She missed him, missed this, and she wonders if being reunited will ever not feel this good. It’s like butterflies in her stomach and cloud nine beneath her feet, and if she wasn’t so damn happy, she’d make fun of herself for having thoughts like that.

When Killian runs his tongue along the seam of her lips, she opens her mouth for him while she gets off the floor and moves on top of him on the couch, trying to keep their lips from parting the entire time. He’s warm, always so warm, and this is one of her favorite things in the world.

Absolutely.

“Hi,” she smiles when she pulls back, her lips hovering so close to his that they brush them when she talks.

Killian reaches up and tucks her hair behind her ears, keeping it from falling in her face and over his. “Hi, love. I’m sorry that I fell asleep.”

“Stop apologizing. That’s ridiculous. But if you want to go upstairs and go to bed, I’d be all for that.”

“Darling, I know I’m irresistible, but I’m not sure if either of us are up for the reunion celebration.” “Well, I know that you’re definitely not up,” she giggles, gently rolling her hips into his while she brushes her lips over his cheek, “but don’t be so conceited. I literally want to go to bed to sleep. Everything else can wait for the morning.” “By everything else you mean breakfast, right?”

“Obviously,” she laughs, rolling off of him with about as much grace as someone on crutches doing ballet before standing up and holding out her hands for him to take so she can tug him up. He makes his weight go dead so that she can’t move him at all, and if he’s going to do that, she’s just going to leave him be, dropping his hands and moving to pick up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder and making her way upstairs.

She’s already washing her face in an attempt to make the smell and feel of airplane vanish by the time she hears Killian make it into his bedroom, flopping down on the bed in a dull thud. She didn’t really get a chance to talk to him today, but whatever he did must have made him absolutely exhausted. Usually he can suffer through it, but he’s down for the count tonight.

How she isn’t, she has no idea.

When she finishes washing her face and brushing her teeth, she walks back into the bedroom, crawling under the covers while Killian twists and turns until he finally ends up on his back. She doesn’t know why he takes so long to get comfortable when he always ends up in one of the same three positions. But she can’t say much. She takes forever to fall asleep, and she knows that she has to twist and turn all night long from the way that her covers look every single morning.

As she settles down in bed, scooting closer to Killian than she really needs to right now, he moves even closer, wrapping his arm around her waist and snaking his hand up her back underneath the hem of her shirt. “Did I tell you that I love you yet? That’s another thing I was going to do when you got here. I was going to tell you that I love you without one of us having to leave. That was number one on my list of things to do.”

“You had a list?”

“That is not the point right now, Swan. The point is that I love you.”

There are those stupid butterflies again, making her stomach twist and flutter and her heart beat a quick, steady rhythm within her chest. Yeah, she’s been waiting to tell him that she loves him in person again too. And not when they’re getting yelled at by airport attendants. It’s not exactly the most romantic setting, but sometimes all of those cheesy romantic declarations of love are overrated. She doesn’t need to be in a room full of flowers and candlelight to feel that way. That’s not real. That’s a rare thing.

She doesn’t want this to be a rare thing.

She absolutely is still in disbelief that she’s in love again. And that it’s this good. She didn’t know it could be like this.

“I like this point,” she tells him, tracing his collarbone with her finger before she caresses his cheek. “I love you too.”

“Good,” he sighs, briefly kissing her, “now that we have that settled, let’s go to sleep like the elderly couple we are.”

“Well, at least you. You’re an entire year older since the last time I saw you.”

“Bloody hell, love, just go to sleep.”

-/-

“We need to go soon.”

She groans, rolling over in bed and pulling the comforter up over her shoulders. His fan is rotating ridiculously fast, and while that was nice earlier when her entire body felt like a furnace, it’s not so nice now as sweat dries on her skin and her body cools down. She doesn’t even know how Killian is even thinking about getting up and going right now. He should be exhausted. She’s exhausted.

They need coffee.

She’d get out of bed for coffee.

She’s not really feeling like getting out of bed and getting ready to go over to Liam and Elsa’s house because Killian told them she was coming in this weekend and Elsa insisted that they meet her. Or that Elsa meets her. She’s met Liam in a spectacular fashion. Actually, when she thinks about it, she’s not sure which Jones brother she had a more interesting first meeting with. In totally different ways but still.

Elsa is great from what Emma can tell from the few times they’ve exchanged a few words over the phone and from the sweet comments she leaves on any pictures Emma posts online (yeah, Elsa followed her on Instagram, and Emma may have done some light stalking when she followed her back. There are some dang cute baby pictures on there.), and as much as she wants to meet her and Aiden, she’s a bit hesitant to see Liam again. She knows there’s going to be a conversation about how he treated her when they met, and she’s a little bit terrified that it won’t go well, that she and Liam won’t get along after all.

She’s over it, has moved on, but she doesn’t want there to be something between them. Liam is the most important person in the world to Killian, and even if he won’t say it, she knows it’s important that she and Liam get along.

So they have to clear the air. That’s all.

Staying in bed seems like a better option right now, though. She only really gets today with Killian, and staying in bed or in his house is something she’d much rather do. But he met her friends, was absolutely terrified to do it, so the very least she can do is go to lunch at his brother’s house.

Besides, she’s heard that Liam is a fantastic cook. Elsa too, but Killian has warned her that she often makes some interesting dishes that they all have to suffer through. That’s pretty much how people most feel about her cooking.

Maybe she and Elsa will be kindred cooking spirits.

Is that a thing? If not, she’s going to make it a thing.

“What is your definition of soon? Like, thirty minutes? An hour? Two hours? Can I take a shower? Do I have to wear makeup? Dry my hair? Because I think I’ve decided I’m not drying my hair anymore until I invent a blow dryer that lets me do it without the room getting all hot.”

Killian chuckles besides her, running his hand over his face before leaning over and tapping his fingers against her shoulder. “What the hell are you on about, Swan?”

“Nothing,” she promises, stretching out her limbs and feeling the pleasant ache everywhere. “Just something I was thinking about the other day. But seriously, when are we eating lunch?”

“One.”

“And what time is it now?”

“Eleven.”

She sighs, her head hitting back against the pillows. She really likes his pillows. And his comforter. And his bed. Maybe she should look into getting something similar for her apartment even if she really can’t be redecorating right now. And her stuff isn’t bad. It’s just not quite this soft. She’s got to give it to Killian. He really knows how to pick out a bed set.

“Okay, I’m going to go shower and get ready. Will you go make me some coffee?”

“It would be my only mission in life, milady.”

She playfully rolls her eyes, getting out of bed and heading toward the shower, turning on the water as she strips out of her clothes. His shower doesn’t take long to heat, and she appreciates that as she steps in. When she turns to the side and sees her preferred shampoo and conditioner on his shelf, she laughs a bit to herself. Did he really go out and buy her stuff? That’s either incredibly thoughtful or he’s just really into how her shampoo smells.

She’s thinking it might be both, especially since Killian did not smell like vanilla when she got here yesterday. The bottle also isn’t open, so she’s leaning more toward him simply being thoughtful.

He probably bought her favorite brand of coffee too. And the creamer. It’s only going to get a little weird if she finds her preferred tampons in the cabinets under the sink.

After she showers, she gets dressed, pulling on some jean shorts and a thin sweater. She can already feel how much hotter it is here than at home, and she’s a little scared to think about how hot it’s going to be when June and July roll around. At least he doesn’t live a little further south because the desert weather is not for her.

When she’s brushing through her hair, Killian comes into the bathroom with her coffee, placing it on the counter before wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing his lips against her neck. He hums, and she feels the vibrations all the way throughout her body, gooseflesh rising across her skin. “Hmm, you smell good.”

Okay, so maybe he’s a bit into how her shampoo and conditioner smell. She can’t say she really minds. She likes his body wash.

You like weird things when in a relationship. Things that seem really creepy if you think about them too much.

“Well, it seems that someone went out and bought me shampoo and conditioner when I brought little travel bottles of it myself.”

He chuckles against her neck while his hands dip underneath her shirt and run up her stomach. His hands are warm and a bit rough, and she wishes this is how every morning started. Well, no, how they started it earlier was good too, but that would be physically...impossible.

“Aye, I may have done some shopping.” His lips move up and down the cords of her neck again, desire pooling in her belly. “Can’t have you walking around here with unwashed hair. That would just be unsanitary, love.”

He bites her earlobe, and she gasps, jumping the slightest bit. She can see the mischief in his eyes from the mirror, and she’s just about to let him keep going before she remembers that they have to go somewhere. “Hey, stop,” she whines, twisting around so that her ass rests against the counter and her hands press up against his chest. When he raises an eyebrow, she explains, “You’re the one who said we had to go. We don’t have time. You have to shower, I have to finish getting ready, and I really want that coffee before it gets cold.” “So this is about the coffee then?”

“Absolutely.” She pushes him back, making him move a few steps away. “Now go get ready. We’ve got things to do, and you’re taking forever.”

Once Killian is ready, they load up into his car and drive the few minutes to Liam and Elsa’s. She doesn’t know what exactly she was expecting, but she wasn’t really expecting something so…modern, especially with the way that Killian’s house feels a bit old school. But they pull into a driveway of house that’s pretty much in the shape of a bunch of odd boxes with large windows and clean lines. It’s weird, but it’s actually pretty cool.

And now she wants to know what the inside looks like. Maybe this is just how houses are in Norway, and maybe she should ask how Elsa and Anna got here from Norway. Or why. Somehow that’s never come up. The Joneses are very international, and she’s lived in Massachusetts for her entire life.

She likes it though. She likes the stability of it.

Plus, Boston is awesome.

England and Norway are probably pretty awesome too.

Killian turns off the engine and undoes his seatbelt while she does the same. “Are you ready, Swan?”

“Yep, let’s go feed me to the wolves.” “So morbid.”

Killian lets them into the house without knocking, and really, with all of the awkward situations that have happened with just walking into someone else’s house, she thinks that maybe they would learn better. But when you have a key, you have a key. Might as well use it. At least Elsa and Liam know they’re coming at this time.

“Els,” Killian calls out, guiding her through the house with his hand on her back. From what she can tell, all of the furniture is surprisingly warm, not at all matching the outside of the house. So maybe Elsa and Liam just compromised with their living situation.

“In the kitchen,” Elsa calls out. She has no idea where the kitchen is, but she follows Killian down the hall and through double doors until she’s in a kitchen where Elsa is sitting on a barstool feeding Aiden in what seems to be a very messy affair. “Come on, we like peas, baby. We do.”

“No one likes peas, Els.”

Elsa turns to look at them, her braid whipping around on her shoulder and a bright smile forming on her face. “Oh hi guys.”

She gets up from her stool, placing the spoon on the high chair’s table, and comes to quickly hug Killian before absolutely smothering her in an embrace. She had no idea someone with such a small frame could give such a powerful hug. It takes her back a bit before she lightly wraps her arms around Elsa’s back and gently pats.

She’s definitely the most awkward person in the world.

“It’s nice to meet you,” she says when she pulls back, finally breathing again now that Elsa isn’t crushing her lungs. “You can keep feeding Aiden. We didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“Oh, no, he’s fine. He’s just going to throw them everywhere. He liked them when they were all smushed up, but he refuses to eat them now. It’s weird. But I’m excited to meet you. I feel like I’m meeting someone famous or something.”

“That’s kind of an ironic statement when you think about it.” “True,” Elsa laughs, moving away from Emma and going back to sit with Aiden who is very animatedly trying to convey something to Killian as he babbles. “But seriously, you are Killian’s number one topic, and it’s nice to be able to put a real person to the stories.” “Elsa,” Killian grits, blush rising on his cheeks and reaching the tips of his ears. He’s embarrassed, and honestly all she wants to do is laugh at him. It’s cute. He talks about her, and he’s embarrassed about it. “Do you not have a filter?”

“Oh, well, no, I guess. I didn’t think that would be embarrassing. You’re a grown man. You should feel confident in talking about your girlfriend.”

“Oh my God,” he groans, running his hand through his hair before reaching down and popping one of Aiden’s peas in his mouth, even though she knows that he doesn’t actually like peas. He wasn’t lying earlier when he said that, but Aiden imitates him, taking a pea and popping it in his mouth too, smiling with each one. “I’m not talking to you about things ever again.” “Please,” Elsa laughs, “I didn’t even say anything really embarrassing. It’s not like I told her about the goofy grin you get on your face when she texts you or how you’ll walk out of the room in the middle of the conversation to answer her calls sometimes and come back in the room looking like a teenager who just made it to second base for the first time.”

A laugh rumbles through Emma’s stomach until she can’t contain it anymore, loudly chuckling at the proud look on Elsa’s face and the mortified one on Killian’s. He’s so rarely embarrassed, usually full of more confidence than any one human being should possess, but this is a rare treat.

She really likes Elsa. Any woman who can knock Killian down a peg is someone who she can be a fan of.

“Please Elsa,” Emma laughs, taking a few steps over to Killian and placing her hand on his back, rubbing it in soothing circles, “continue to tell me all of these things about Killian. I’m going to hoard them away and save them for later when he’s making fun of me for something stupid.” “Oh, I have a lot to tell you. I promise.” A door slams from somewhere, and Elsa’s eyes go wide. “But that sounds like Liam is finished with the steaks out on the grill. Do you guys want to eat in here or are you good outside?”

“Outside. They’ve got a beautiful garden, love. You should see it.”

Killian leads her outside while Elsa finishes feeding Aiden, and he’s right. They do have a beautiful garden, flowers blooming all across the backyard and around the pool, which is just stunning. She has about a million questions about how they can afford this place, but that would definitely not be something she can just ask. It would kind of take away her whole idea of this going better than when Liam met her.

“Liam, what does one have to do to get one of those steaks?”

She turns to see Liam standing on the other side of the deck, setting out food on a table. Her heart starts beating a bit quicker, her nerves coming back into play after she’d calmed down, and she has to remind herself that it’s okay. This is all okay. It’s just Killian’s brother. It’s just another person. And really, if anyone should be nervous, it should be Liam.

Right?

“For me, cook it. For you, just showing up apparently.” Liam lifts his hand and waves. “Hi, Emma. It’s nice to see you again.” She waves back, though she’s not exactly sure what it is she just did with her fingers. This is obviously some kind of alternate universe. Killian is embarrassed. She has forgotten how to fake it until she makes it, but it’s fine. It’s all fine. She’s got to stop thinking the word fine. “Hey, nice to see you too. The food smells good.” “I hope it tastes good too. Why don’t you two grab a seat, and I’ll go get the drinks. Water, lemonade, beer? Any preferences?” “Water.”

“Water is fine for me too.”

Liam nods before walking off, and she and Killian settle down into chairs at the table. The sun is shining directly in her eyes, so she pulls her sunglasses out of her hair, having to tug a bit when they get caught in the front few strands.

“So you’ve survived the initial meeting. How does it feel?”

“I don’t know. Do you think I’ll get a better grade than satisfactory?” He winks. “We’ll just have to wait and see.”

If her first meeting with Liam is a certified national disaster, this is basically like a trip to Disney World. But it’s not one where it’s one hundred degrees out, all of the kids are crying, and you stepped in puke while waiting in line for Space Mountain. No, it’s the cute trip where you wear the mouse ears, it’s a nice seventy five degrees and overcast, and you have a fast pass for all of the lines.

It’s good, basically. It’s all good. The food is fantastic, and Liam and Elsa make her comfortable with their conversations, keeping things light and airy with the right sense of humor mixed in. She doesn’t have to talk about her job, there’s no weird conversation about what her intentions are with Killian (she still can’t believe David almost did that), and mostly she just gets to spend the afternoon getting to know Killian’s family.

It’s the first time she’s ever really gotten to meet someone’s family. Neal, well, he obviously wasn’t going to let her meet his family. She didn’t even know he had a family until it was over. Walsh pretty much ruined things after meeting her friends, and, well, none of the others were ever really the “meet the family” type of guys or relationships. So this is okay. She’s doing okay. She also feels like an asshole for making fun of Killian for being nervous to meet her friends.

This can be absolutely terrifying.

“Where’s the restroom?” she asks after she finishes her second glass of water.

“There’s one just inside, lass. The second door on the left.” “Thank you.” She nods her head before scooting her chair back, making her way inside and finding the bathroom right where Liam told her it would be. She’s only gone for a minute, keeping herself away from idly examining how they have the room decorated while she’s washing her hands, and then she’s walking out of the room and running into a solid body, grabbing onto forearms.

“Oh, shit,” Liam mumbles, nearly dropping the bottles he’s holding from where she opened the door on him. “Sorry, love. Did not mean to bowl you over.” “It’s fine,” she promises, letting go of where her nails were digging into Liam’s forearms to steady herself. “It’s the hazard of doors, you know?” “Bloody awful inventions.” “I mean, I wouldn’t say that, but sometimes they do suck.”

Liam chuckles a little bit, but after he stops, they’re standing together in awkward silence. Like, really awkward silence. Like, she wishes she could get hit over her head with the door awkward silence.

“Well, I’m just gonna,” she begins, her sentence trailing off as she moves away only for Liam to put his arm out in front of her.

“Wait, Emma. Can we talk?”

She gulps, but she knew this was coming at some point. She wanted this to happen. She wants the air to be cleared because she’s not sure how much longer she can take this looming over her head.

“Yeah, sure.” Liam readjusts the beer bottles he’s holding, fidgeting with them until she takes two out of his hands and holds them herself, the glass cool to the touch. “I want to start with the fact that I’m sorry. Genuinely very sorry. I…there aren’t any excuses. I was an arsehole who overreacted in a lot of ways, and while I wish I could take it all back, I know that I can’t. It still happened no matter how much time has passed.”

“Look, I totally get where you were coming from,” she starts, having rehearsed this conversation several times over while in the shower or on the treadmill but knowing that nothing she thought is going to come out of her mouth now. “You’re Killian’s brother, but you’re also like his dad, whether he owns up to it or not. You two have been through some shit together, and I get you wanting to protect him.”

Liam nods, smiling a bit. “Thank you, lass.”

“But I also think you need to trust him some more and maybe not chomp the head off of anyone you see him becoming close to. I get the situation was messed up and confusing. There were a lot of things wrong there, but I didn’t deserve to be treated like that no matter what you thought when you saw me.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just his – ”

“His past, I know,” she finishes for him while her finger wipes off some of the condensation of the bottle. “Liam, I’ve got a fucked up past too, and I know that probably worries you almost as much as me being some weird psycho fan. I’m not. I like Killian’s movies, and I thought he was attractive from, you know, the way normal people think a celebrity is attractive. You see them on TV and just notice it. I lost a bet. That’s why I asked him out. It was for a bet, not some kind of weird obsession, and I knew it could help the shelter and all of the kids. It’s stupid and embarrassing, but it’s true. I never could have imagined any of this. I honestly thought I was just going to embarrass myself and have that video haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“I didn’t…I didn’t realize. I guess I shouldn’t have just assumed things.” He runs his free hand through his hair, making the curls stick up and straighten. “God, love, I’m a bit of a wanker, aren’t I?”

She takes a step forward and places her hands on his shoulders, smiling up at him. “You are, but you’re a wanker from the heart.” Liam snorts at her joke, and she feels a bit better about things. “And you love your brother. You just want the best for him. I get that because I love him too.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely, totally, completely. All of the cheesy ways you can think about it.”

“Good because I have never seen him so enamored with someone. I’m pretty sure he thinks you hung the stars in the sky.” “Well, he obviously needs to go back to school because I did not do that. Though I appreciate the sentiment.” She squeezes Liam’s shoulder, a lightness taking over her that she hasn’t felt since she stepped through the front door here. “I’m pretty sure they’re going to send a search party out here for us if we don’t go back outside soon.” Liam nods and follows her outside, and the moment she steps out on the deck, she sees Killian throwing his head back with laughter and stretching his arms up over his head. He’s happy, truly in his element, and while she knew how much he loves his family, it was hard to really understand until she saw him with them. It’s like a one of a kind thing, she thinks. And she gets it now. This is one of the places he feels most at home.

“Love, how the hell did Liam get you into carrying out the drinks for him?”

She shrugs, setting her bottles down onto the table and sliding back into her seat. Killian grabs her hand and brings her wrist to his lips, his scruff pleasantly scratching her skin. “He couldn’t handle it all on his own. I think it was too much responsibility for him.”

“That’s true,” Elsa laughs, taking another sip of her water. “We tend to only let him do the little things. He’s just a liability otherwise.”

“He always has been a little rough around the edges and never quite as bright as he thinks he is.” Liam huffs, popping off the top of his drink and taking a long sip. “I did not invite you two over to be ganged up on in my own home.” Elsa pats his shoulder, a falsely sweet smile on her face. “No, babe, that’s why I invited them over.”

Yeah, so she really likes Killian’s family.

-/-

That night she and Killian are sitting on his back porch, the song of the ocean loud as it crashes up onto the sand and the crackling of the firepit at his neighbor’s house popping in her ears. It’s surprisingly cold for the coast at the end of May, not that she’d actually know from experience, and since she didn’t pack much for the short time that she’s here, she had to borrow a pair of Killian’s sweatpants, rolling them up at the waist so they don’t trip her up as she walks around. They’re warm, and she already knows that she’s probably going to borrow them…for an undetermined amount of time.

They stayed at Liam and Elsa’s for a few more hours this afternoon, really until the sun began to set and Elsa was one yawn away from falling asleep sitting up all the while Aiden napped in his nursery. She apparently usually naps with him, and as much of a good time as Emma was having, she felt awful keeping Elsa awake. So she and Killian came back to his house and have spent most of their time sitting out here or wandering along the sand.

He really does live in a beautiful place, and she wishes that she wasn’t leaving tomorrow. This has been like a tease, like a sip of wine when you want the entire bottle, but it’s leaving her feeling just as hungover as she would have been had she downed the entire bottle and then some all by herself.

Sighing, she moves her head to rest against Killian’s shoulder and wraps her arms around his middle while he spreads the blanket out over them a little more, making sure that their feet are covered from where they’re propped up on a table. It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world, but she likes the swing he has out here and could gladly spend an entire day back here feeling it gently rock back and forth. She feels Killian’s lips press against her forehead, and it only makes her nuzzle further into him, moving her legs and curling them up underneath her for more warmth.

“Liam and a made up.” “Yeah?” he asks, rubbing his hand up and down her side, fingers snaking underneath her shirt and spreading out across her stomach.

“Yeah. It was…easy. I always imagined it to be more intense, to be harder, but I guess so much time has passed, so much as changed, that I had already forgiven him. I’d already decided that we could get along for you as long as he didn’t do something dumb like that again.”

“He’d have at least six people after his head, so I imagine Liam won’t be mucking things up any time soon.” “Any time soon? So what? He’s just going to wait even longer and strike when we’re least expecting it?” “That is not at all what I meant.” “I know. You just mean he’ll be on his best big brother behavior from now on.” “Older brother behavior,” Killian corrects her, squeezing her side and making her giggle. “He is older and not necessarily wiser, just to make that clear.” “You guys have a weird relationship.” “I think I have a weird relationship with everyone. It’s just my nature.”

“True,” she sighs, tilting her head and kissing the bare skin at his collarbone, “you are a weird, guy.”

“Who you have fallen head over heels in love with.” “True, even if I don’t understand that saying. Isn’t your head always over your heels?”

“Huh,” he laughs while she does the same, “that’s true. I’m sure there’s some kind of explanation. We could google it.”

“I don’t care that much.”

“See, but now you’ve brought up a good question, Swan. How many phrases are out there that we say but that make no sense? How many phrases have gotten all mixed up over the years? Who even comes up with these phrases? I feel like we need to spend all night discussing this and researching this because – ”

She shuts him up by cupping his cheeks and bringing his lips to hers. She loves him in a head over heels kind of way, but she also knows him. If she lets him, he really will spend the entire night researching this, and she doesn’t want time to slip away from them, not like that. She can’t let it, so she continues to move her mouth against his, tilting her head and opening her mouth as he does the same. His breath is hot, and he still tastes like lunch, and even though she didn’t mean for this to be any more than a simple kiss to make him be quiet, she really does like taking advantage of having his lips on hers in person while his hand moves up and cups her breast underneath her shirt. There’s no replicating any of this when they’re apart.

There’s no chance.

“I cannot believe you just kissed me to get me to shut up. Again. I’m starting to think you don’t like listening to me talk.”

“You talk a lot,” she pants, her lips still tingling while she catches her breath, “and as much as I really do like listening to you, I had a feeling we were about to go down the rabbit hole.” “I fully plan on doing research on this at some point, you know? It’s nice to get to learn new things about the world.”

“If that’s how you spend your free time, I think you might need to work more.”

“Speaking of that,” Killian begins, pulling back from her and reaching down to pull the blanket back over them from where it had fallen, “I have some work stuff I need to talk to you about.” “Why do you need to talk to me about them?”

“Because they’re time commitments, and that’s something I want to talk about with you.” “Okay,” she sighs, wishing that she could dip her head in the ocean to calm herself down. Why is she freaking out? She should not at all be freaking out. Is she actually freaking out or is she just nervous because Killian basically just gave her a version of ‘we need to talk’ and who the hell wants to hear that? “Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

He reaches up with his free hand and tucks her hair behind her ears, and instead of having it calm her, it just makes her nervous. “I’ve been getting some of my next few months mapped out, professionally, and since I turned down Yours Truly – ”

“Wait. You turned that down? Why? I thought you liked that script?” “I did, love. I didn’t like the entire last half of the year in Switzerland for where I’m at personally right now. It was too far away from home, from my family, from you.”

She gulps, the implication behind his words obvious. Yeah, okay, so she’s nervous. “You gave up the role for me?” “Aye,” he admits, the corners of his lips ticking up the slightest bit. “I know it was a bit presumptuous despite where we are now, knew that it might freak you out a little. It freaks me out a bit, Swan, but with us already not being near each other, this is something we have to think about.”

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

He really didn’t have to do that. She knows that it wasn’t just for her. It was for him, and Killian would never make a decision that he doesn’t think is smart. He just wouldn’t. So if he’s happy with it, she’s happy with it. “I wanted to. I’ll find other projects closer to here for now or maybe far away sometime later, but I probably won’t film again until spring or next summer depending on if I find anything and production times. I do have the promotions for Highland Waters. I believe that’s going to be in July, and it’s going to premiere around Labor Day. I was kind of hoping you’d like to come to that with me.”

“What kind of premiere?”

“A small one,” Killian promises, squeezing her arm to reassure her while she feels like she suddenly can’t breathe. She’s fine. She is. Really. This is just a lot all at once. But she’s good. They’re good. This may possibly be the first time anyone has ever put this much consideration into how she feels about their life. “I believe it’s just at the studio or a theater or something, but it’s pretty much a party with the cast and crew. Lots of good food and drinks. It’ll be fun, and you only have to come if you want to.” “No, no, I want to,” she reassures him. “I already get that Monday off, and I can probably use up some of my days if I haven’t already. I want to see this show you spent forever on, and, you know, support you or whatever.” She moves out of his arms and stands up from the swing, stretching her legs out the slightest bit. “But we can figure out all of this stuff on the phone. I’ve got to leave in the morning, so I really don’t want to spend the rest of the night working out our schedules.”

-/-

She was right to think that a weekend is just a little tease, and she’s not entirely sure if leaving after two days or two weeks is worse. But she’s got work in the morning and a flight scheduled in an hour and a half, so as she hugs Killian goodbye in the hourly parking lot of LAX she doesn’t have any choice but to leave.

It’s a transition, something they’re working out, and the leaving will get easier. It has to. Or it might not. Honestly, she has no idea if the ache in her chest is ever going to stop, but unlike the rest of her life where all she’s done is freak out about the future, she’s trying to take this one day at a time. Some looks ahead at the future but one day at a time.

“I love you, KJ,” she whispers into his neck before brushing her lips there.

“I love you too. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yep,” she sighs, pulling back from his hug and picking her bag up from the ground. “I’ll see you soon.”

#betting on the bullseye #cs fic #cs ff

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nicosroom · 5 years

Text

My Money Snapshot

[Inspired by Corporette]

Location: Ohio, small college town

Age: 29

Occupation: PhD candidate (English)/half-time instructor

Income: $16,000 before deductions

Net worth: $588 (I’m crying)

Current Debt: $12,844

Living situation: Renting with a roommate

Money Philosophy:

I grew up in the “working poor” category. My parents are divorced and my father never contributed much financially. Mom made around $21,000 per year at work and she cleaned houses “under the table” to supplement that. Somehow, we never went hungry, what we ate was relatively fresh and healthy, and she managed to put two of us through Catholic schools for a total of 14 years. I know now that mom is still paying some of those loans and credit card debts and that part of her strategy included not contributing more than the 3% that her employer matched in her 401k. Every time I complain about the financial stress I feel at my salary level, I have to remind myself how comparatively unstressful my financial life is.

I’ve always been poor and I always knew that graduate school/academia is not a lucrative career. I tell myself that if I can make things work at this pay grade, then I’m ready for just about anything. My main strategy is to have a budget, stay in the budget, and save every bit that I can.

Monthly budget

$1000-1100 for the necessities each month. Monthly spending on eating out, entertainment, shopping and other categories varies widely. I also won’t lie... dating someone who makes 4x more money than me helps... I’m fairly frugal on all of these fronts: I buy most of my clothes second hand and I tend to shop seasonally. Spikes in spending occur around the winter holidays when I’m buying gifts and when I am doing traveling. And I also have totally weak, impulsive moments - like the $3 soap sales at Bath & Body works, or that time I spent $110 on bras and underwear on a whim. Anyway:

Rent: $272.50/month

Other living expenses: $130-170/month (electric, internet, phone, renter’s insurance - lower in summer, higher in winter)

Transportation: $332/month (gas, insurance, car payment)

Healthcare: $162/month (health+dental insurance, no vision coverage)

Groceries: $120-150/month ($30/week)

Debt Picture

Student loan: $2000

Car loan: $10,488

I’m a career student & my motto for all the years I’ve been in school has been “follow the money.” I went to college on very hefty scholarships and I only had to take out the $2000 loan to cover housing costs during my first year. For the subsequent three years, I was an RA, so I never had to take loans again. I applied to graduate programs based on the research fit, and when I got my offers, money weighed heavily in the decision. I would have loved to live in Boston as a wee 22-year old, but I wasn’t about to take out loans for a year’s worth of tuition and the living expenses. And to get a PhD while living in Minneapolis, my very favorite city in the US? It would have been such a dream, but for the quite steep difference in stipends and the significant disparity in cost of living compared with Ohio. My only regret on this front is that I haven’t started paying back my tiny student loan. I’ve been able to defer it since I’m in graduate school, which was a great idea when I was a master’s student who didn’t know the first thing about budgeting. But if I had just paid $25/month from the start of grad school the balance would be $0 about the same time I graduate from this PhD program this August. Instead, I’ll be scrambling to pay off the whole balance before my 6 month grace period ends.

The car loan is less than a year old. I finally broke down and bought a new (by which I mean used) car last summer after really pushing it with the car my parents had bought me in high school. Repairing that car put me into credit card debt more than once and I was getting so stressed about it. It was time. I have a very good credit score, so I qualified for a nice loan rate with my credit union, and to get a better rate I got my mom to co-sign my loan. It’s a popular rental fleet model so there were tons of them on the market, but average miles were high - so when I saw one that was two years old with only a years worth of miles on it at $1000 less than the average price for that make, model, and year, I jumped on it. My payments are $231/month on the 5-year plan. Currently, I’m paying that minimum, but I plan to escalate my payments as my income goes up (I’m on the academic job market now, pray for me). I folded this car payment into my existing budget by giving up solo-living and finding a roommate. When I had my own apartment, very spacious with a huge kitchen and tons of windows/natural light, I was paying about $585 for monthly rent. I hate living with people, but I hated the idea of being trapped in this college town without a car even more - one of my other mantras is “you can do anything for a year.”

A note on credit cards: I love them. I’m one of those responsible people that charges everything and pays the balance like clockwork every month. This is the only way to make sure you’re actually taking advantage of the cash back/reward perks! Currently, I’m using Capital One’s Venture card and stockpiling airline miles for travel (it has a 40,000 mile sign-on bonus). If you’re good for it, I also recommend one card with a great balance transfer program. For me, when I get into an emergency situation, it makes me feel like I have options. It’s been about 4 years since I’ve had to use my balance transfer card to cover costs ($1400 in car repairs, summer 2015), but at my level, I can’t afford to not have back up plans.

Savings and Investments

$5,517 Cash

$7,861 Roth IRA + employer mandated retirement account

Retirement: The biggest financial mistake I've made in grad school is that I did not opt into the retirement account offered by the university when I started my M.A. in 2012. When they ask me that “what I wish I had known before I went to grad school” question, this is near the top of the list. I did, eventually, open a Roth IRA and slowly I started to build something. This year, when my graduate funding dried up and they made me a “half-time instructor” the retirement account for public school teachers was mandatory and the contributions are high: 14% of every pay check (annoying, yes, but on the flipside, there is an equally high employer match). While I’m contributing to this, I’ve paused my contributions to the IRA. I’ll roll this money over, either into the IRA or into another state/employer retirement fund when I move on from here.

Personal savings: I strive for a minimum of $100 per month and frequently do a little more, but each month is different and I consider it a win if I break even. Through most of grad school, I’ve taken on “second jobs” to bolster what I can save (and boost my resume). Both jobs have been through the university, so they limit me to five hours a week. When I max them out, this can be an extra $200-250 each month.

I took up a new savings challenge this academic year to build on my “play money” savings account (a high yield savings account which my bank labels a “goal setter” account). The challenge involves tallying the “total savings” printed on my receipts each month (i.e. when the grocery store is like “you saved $6″ because of sales and coupons). So, At the end of the month, I put that running total into my goal setter account. Sometimes the total savings are like $26, but others its as much as $171. It’s an interesting challenge because it encourages me to do tedious things, like scroll through all the digital coupons on the grocery store app; but at the same time, I know that the higher that number is usually coincides with a lot of shopping which encourages some self-regulation.

I initially set my goal at $2500 when I opened the goal setter account in 2014. When I had to dip into the account in April 2018 to pay $930 in car repairs, I finally set plans in motion to buy my car. Since I bought used, I only put 10% down on the car (just over $1200). When I sold my old car for $1000, I put that money right back into the account to start saving for new things...

What I’m saving for now:

travel: to celebrate finally finishing this PhD, I’m hoping to pull off a trip to Europe. Later this year, I’m also turning 30 around the same time that one of my regular professional conferences is meeting in Hawaii. If I can do one or both in the next year, that’d be grand. (As I mentioned, I'm saving up airline miles with my credit card program, too!)

a multicooker: think InstantPot...but more expensive because my dreams all revolve around small appliances that match my stand mixer.

What I do to be frugal...

I’ve been frugal my whole life, but a couple of major habits I’ve formed include:

Meal planning and home cooking (read my guide to meal prep here). The money part of that means planning what I eat around maximizing the ingredients I have to buy. I plan meals that use the same ingredients so I’m not spending on an entire bunch of celery and then throwing out 75% of it. Routinization also helps, so my grocery lists stay about the same week to week and the bill relatively predictable - for example, I eat avocado egg salad almost every day for lunch. I know, avocados are not cheap, but I also believe in spending on the things that nourish you––literally and “spiritually.” Roxane Gay once said that she never bought avocados or blueberries when she was a “poor grad student.” Once she started making money, she realized she would buy them because she could afford them, but she also threw them out all the time because she didn’t plan her meals right to actually eat them. The point is, buy the foods that you like/feel good about and build habits around them. It’s not wasted money. That said, I won’t pay more than $1.25 for an avocado!

Second hand clothes shopping, especially for my business casual (it’s amazing what people donate to the Goodwill, barely worn!)

#money #money snapshot #avocados #debt #savings #gradblr #gradschool #personal finance

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