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un2-verse · 3 years

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BILLY — Kim Taehyung (1)

》 News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right? 《

pairings: john kramer!taehyung x female reader

warnings: dark themes, angst, yandere, murder, torture, self harm, suicide, stalking etc.... (will add more when i know lol) although it is rather innocent in the first couple chapters(?) so idk it could be slow burn but i guess we’ll find out as i write it >< ,, it’s my version of saw if saw was a fucked up love story lol. Please don’t read if any of the topics mentioned trigger you!! 18+

this fic is exactly that, fiction!!!! the au does not represent the characters mentioned irl......

synopsis: you end up lost on the other side of town, where you cross paths with a handsome stranger, kim taehyung, only.... are you a stranger to him?

[a/n: daffodils represent; love me, sympathy, desire and affection returned...]

word count: 3k

series masterlist

part two

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Hiding behind a mask was something you were accustomed to. Your friend group and family were clueless to the torment you endured from simply existing. You were confident your masking had convinced the world you were happy with yourself. Unbeknown to you, one other person saw straight through your façade.

You wanted to end your life.

He needed you to cherish your life.

Nothing looked familiar. The café you frequented was nowhere to be found. Your usual hangout was most definitely not on the side of town you found yourself in. You felt anxiety slowly curl its way around your body, you were frigid. You tried and tried but couldn’t find it in yourself to run.

You lived in the more friendly part of town (so to speak) – where houses were colourful, gardens pristine, warm-hearted neighbours who would treat you like family and white picket fences are what surrounded you. That was your norm, sure, you weren’t exactly loaded but you weren’t exactly poor either. It was a healthy balance in the middle. That’s not to say you hadn’t lived or seen this side of town before.

Your Mother and Father had grown up on this side of the fence. Two young people brought up in the rougher, more unfortunate areas. Your Mother was tough; she looked like a naïve, weak girl, albeit that was not the case. She was strong willed, used to life on the streets and doing anything she could to get money to make sure there was at least some food on the table. While your Mum was the leader, your Dad was more of a sheep. He was easily influenced and was dragged into the wrong crowd (had his fair share with drugs and street racing). That was their life for a few years till they crossed paths and your Mum helped your Dad get back on the right track.

They didn’t tell you much about their childhood and adolescence but they told you enough to make you appreciate what you have and to always work hard for it. To stick with the right people, be wise and conscious of your decisions. Be kind to those around you.

Your family owned a garage; your Dad was the head mechanic. This was the sole reason you were here. You knew it wouldn’t be simple when you agreed to go to this side of town to get a few bits for your Father’s shop. However, you didn’t expect it to be this difficult. How could you be so stupid? Why didn’t you just ask Hoseok and Yoongi to come with you like your father told you to? Or at least tell them where you were… yet you decided today of all days to be stubborn and venture on yourself, knowing full well how unsafe the area was. There were rundown businesses on either side of the road, beggars at every doorstep; drug dealings happening in broad daylight, no one even trying to hide it.

You felt your phone buzz in your pocket, you took it out and sighed a breath of relief once you’d read the texts.

14:37— From Papa: U ok munchkin ??? Did u get the stuff ?

14:39— From Papa: its ok if u didnt. Yoongs rang said hes got majority this morning lol so be safe n get home soon . Love u

14:40— To Papa: ohhh ok pops, i couldn’t find the shop anyway lol i’ll head back soon, love u too x

*LOW BATTERY*

“Fuck, trust me to forget to charge the bastard.” You rolled your eyes as you stuffed the phone back in your pocket.

Muffled shouting was heard around you. People ran across the street, bumping into you as they ran past. You gathered yourself and moved further down the path. “Great!” you exasperated, “honestly I’m so fucking stupid! Yoongi’s gonna kill me for this, I knew, I knew I should’ve told him I was coming over here but no,” your head was hung low as you dragged your feet across the pavement, “maybe I could tell Hobi, he wouldn’t be as angry right? I’m sure he’ll come,“ A sudden scream ripped you out of your chuntering. You whipped your head to the right, you could make out some figures bustling about in front of you, a group of men were quite clearly fighting… your anxiety struck you and you held your breath as you saw a man pull a knife from the waistband of his sweatpants. All thoughts and common sense seemed to leave all at once. Statue like, feet stuck to the ground. You watched on as the group rushed towards the brown haired man, you scanned his figure: tall, broad, confident… he exuded an intimidating aura even when you were this far away from him.

How could someone be so sure of themselves? It was one against five, surely the loner had no chance?

The glistening of the knife brought you back to your senses. Fucking hell. How do you always end up in these situations when you’re alone? Why me? Why? Good Lord, I need to run. Just as you were about to leave, the group who were arguing charged past you; one gripped his side as another supported his weight. Holy fuck, did he stab him? you stood frozen, yet again, your mind raced a mile a minute. Panic bubbled in your chest.

“You okay there Doll?” His voice was deep, velvet-like. It flowed so smoothly you doubted it was real, it was so soothing like it had wrapped itself around you, embracing your body. You heard his footsteps before he planted himself beside you. His shoulder reached the top of your head, his hand brushed yours. Swallowing your nerves you dared a glance up. He was fucking breath-taking, like a fallen angel. The stranger shot you a small smile that you would’ve easily missed had you not been staring at his features… a blush crept up your neck as you nodded. His smile slowly twisted into a smirk.

Cute, Taehyung thought to himself. Couldn’t help but adore the way you slightly trembled under his gaze, the way your hands gripped and twisted your sweater paws. Almost like a puppy. He cleared his throat and reached his hand to yours, “Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself. I’m Taehyung.” you took his hand into yours, apprehensively you greeted him, “I’m Y/N.”

“Ah, Y/N. I haven’t seen you round here before, you new or something?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side, his eyes seemed to stare right through you.

“Uhm, I don’t live here. I live over the other part of Town… I was just grabbing some stuff for my Dad but, my phones about to die. I have no idea where I am or how to get home, I’m sorry, I promise I didn’t see anything!” a deep chuckle cut you off, Taehyung smiled and beckoned you to follow him.

“Come on Y/N, you’re not suited for this side of Town, I’ll walk you back. A pretty little thing like you, you’re easy prey to these guys.” your feet fell into a cautious pace behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, “hurry up Buttercup, I don’t bite.” Taehyung flashed a boxy grin in your direction, which caused you to speed up ever so slightly.

You were unsure how you felt about letting a complete stranger walk you home, Yoongi would definitely kill you for this. Especially with the recent news of some serial killer named ‘Jigsaw’, Yoongi and Hoseok had been very stern and their usual, overprotective selves when the news had broken out. “It’s on every headline Y/Nie! No more leaving the house on yourself, you need to go anywhere you ring either of us. Got it? Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know either. There’s some dodgy fucks about recently.” Although, you loved them dearly, sometimes their protectiveness was a...little overbearing. You already felt suffocated from your parents (you didn’t need it from your best friends as well). They were happy and believed you to be too; but that was exhausting, faking happiness. You had a constant façade, acted like a happy normal teenager with a happy family; when that was far from the truth.

Drowning. That’s how you’d explain the way you felt. Breathing was difficult and brought you more pain than it was worth. Growing up was tedious, you had grown differently to your peers which only brought ridicule and embarrassment for you. You had struggled with your speech (sometimes you still do), you often stuttered, mispronounced words, the list was endless. That was one of the first reasons you were a castaway. As you grew, the ridicule worsened. Verbal abuse turned physical from your classmates. They made you feel like you were a waste of space. The names they called you, you soon started to believe them. Ugly. Weird. Freak. Stupid. They took root in your brain, slowly they grew and grew till your head was overgrown with twisted, rotten weeds.

Eventually, you sought comfort in blood. You didn’t care that it hurt you; you were almost happy to feel pain. Like you deserved to.

By age 14, you had started to skip school. Only ever there for exams and a couple of art classes you had with Jeongguk. He was what you would’ve called a best friend, he supported you and was by your side till you left school. He went away to college and like always with school friends, you drifted apart. Nevertheless, he still texts you now and then to check in.

Although you were (once) close with Jeongguk. He never knew of your inner demons, the same with Yoongi and Hoseok. You didn’t want to feel like a burden and worry your friends when they had shit to worry about themselves.

Why devastate flowers that flourish beautifully with weeds that manage to twist their way around every crack?

You had walked for a few minutes now, having chatted absentmindedly about anything and everything. The roads still didn’t look familiar to you and you just wished they did, you didn’t want to be away from your home any longer, your feet were starting to ache, your phone was on 10% battery and it was fucking cold. You just wanted to be back in bed tucked up watching Lady and the Tramp or 101 Dalmatians for the millionth time. You felt safe and content when you indulged in your comfort films. Far away from the real world and wrapped up in the false reality. They easily distracted you and that's when you truly felt at peace. Your mind was always too busy thinking about how cute it was when Tramp calls Lady, Pidge or how in love Pongo and Perdy were.

Majority of the time you fantasised about having a love similar, but then again, why would you wanna make yourself vulnerable like that? Is the risk of being hurt (more than you are now) any good? Of course it’s not. Fuck that, life isn’t nothing like those shitty romance films or novels… It’s real and painful.

As you and Taehyung rounded the corner, a little cafe caught your eye, a dainty blue and pink building. Fairy Lights strung up around the windows, you could see a handful of people inside, busy sipping their drinks and chatting away to one another. ‘Aroma Mocha’ hung above the doors. It looked so cute and simple. Your previous thoughts left your mind as quick as they had come. You wanted to go inside, it had an enticing atmosphere.

Taehyung hadn’t realised you’d stopped walking until he couldn’t hear the soft thud of your footsteps behind him, he turned as he called out to you, your eyes still fixed on the cafe. He chuckled to himself, “Fucking adorable, like a kid at christmas,” he walked back over to you. “Hey Doll, you wanna go in?” He felt his heart quicken when you looked at him with those pretty eyes, “We’ve plenty of time to get you back before it’s dark angel.” You answered him with a nod as you turned your head from Taehyung to look back at the alluring little cafe.

Not a second had passed before Taehyung grabbed your hand and pulled you across the road to the entrance; you ignored the warmth of his hand as it intertwined with yours; you ignored the way your tummy erupted with butterflies. Taehyung had stopped to hold the door for you, you murmured a small, “thank you,” looking up at him, the heat that crept up your cheeks making your face resemble that of a doll’s he thought to himself. Once he ushered you fully inside, he placed his hand to rest on the curve of your waist as he guided you to the back corner of the room, where a quaint table for two was unoccupied, a little pot of Daffodils sat atop. How fitting...

Taehyung was quick to pull the chair out for you to take a seat, you pulled it in as you sat down and sent a shy smile his way, “I’m sorry, I know we just met Taehyung but this place is so fucking precious! I hope I’m not bothering you, if I am we can just carry on walking or, I could ring a Taxi? Is this weird? Oh god, I can’t believe--”, Taehyung threw his head back as he laughed, a sound that seemed to wrap its way around your soul, twisting around your heart in the nicest of ways, it was almost like a killer to the weeds taking over your body. A temporary release. You felt like you could really breathe in those short seconds of his laughter.

“Angel, if you were bothering me, I’d have kept on walking. That, or I would’ve called you a Taxi myself, it’s no problem honestly.” You ducked your head as he sent a wink your way, fuck sake Y/N get it together! Why are you acting like a fucking schoolgirl?

“Well I uh, appreciate it so, yeah thank you?” You don’t know what to do, you’re here with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever laid your eyes on… yet you have no clue if what you saw was real, did Taehyung stab someone? Could someone have had the knife who wasn’t Taehyung? Was he even the person you saw in that altercation? Did you imagine everything that had gone off?

Before you had chance to overthink it, a light bubbly voice greeted your ears, “Hi! Welcome to Aroma Mocha, I’m Jimin and I’ll be your server today. Is there anything I can get you?” Jimin held his gaze on you as he flashed you a friendly smile, Taehyung turned around at the sound of his best friend, “Oh, Tae! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, what are you doing here? And who’s this pretty little lady?”

“This is Y/Nie, she was in the neighbourhood so we thought we’d nip in for something to drink before I take her back to hers.” you sent a warm smile to Jimin which he gladly returned, “I’ll have my usual and can you get Y/Nie a Strawberry Iced Tea? Thanks man.”

Once Jimin had disappeared to make your drinks, you shot your eyes to Taehyung, “Uhm, how’d you know I like Strawberry Iced Tea?” Taehyung didn’t even look in your direction as he scrolled through his phone, eyes glued to the screen. A minute passed by and he’d still not acknowledged your question so you let it slide, it wasn’t that big of a deal right? Your mind drifted. Your fingers rested atop of your lap, hidden from the sight of onlookers, picking around your nails as anxiety flooded your body. You felt like you were about to suffocate. You shouldn’t be talking to anyone, you shouldn’t let anyone close. You were only going to fuck everything up in a heartbeat. It’s only natural. Self deprecating thoughts devoured and made their way through your veins, poisoning yourself further; your whole body felt as though it was alight.

Jimin brought you your drinks, placed them carefully in front of the pair of you as you both said your thanks.

The click of Taehyung’s phone being locked and the clearing of his throat brought you back to your senses. “The drink I ordered for you is popular here so, I assumed you’d like to try it. You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” your eyes shot up to meet his, your head tilted a little to the left as your tongue wet your lip, so puppy like...

You stared incredulously, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Taehyung.” You leant forward slightly as you wrapped your lips around the straw and took a sip.

Taehyung saw the way you sucked your drink up through your straw, his eyes darkened. Thankful to have worn sweatpants that day, he shifted himself discreetly, “I’m not stupid Angel, I know what you’re doing under the table. I’m here, so talk to me. I’ll listen to whatever you gotta say.”

You stuttered as you wracked your brain for something to say, “I-I only met you like forty minutes ago, I don’t even tell my friends what’s wrong. Not that there is, everything’s fine.”

You met me just short of an hour ago, he thought to himself, “You don’t have to lie to me Y/Nie…” he grabbed your hands that were laid near the cup of your Iced Tea. His thumb rubbing circles onto the back of your hand. You looked small and fragile, like the Daffodils on the table; one little pluck and you’d be ruined. He wouldn’t admit it to you just yet but, Taehyung fucking loved how delicate you seemed as you sat across from him.

How easy it would be to take your life away. How easy it’d be to pull those weeds up that are poisoning you, torturing you every single day. He shook his head, as he cleared those thoughts. No, only Y/N can make that decision. I’m just going to help her choose.

Live or Die.

You visibly winced, “You don’t know me. Think whatever the fuck you want about me, it doesn’t matter.” your eyes flashed hurt as you went back to picking your skin. You knew it, this whole encounter was too good to be true. A complete stranger (well acquaintance technically) had just presumed shit about you, the fact he was right is what hurt more. You didn’t want anyone to know how you were feeling. Or how you were dealing with it.

You couldn’t exactly tell him to piss off, you still needed his help home and so you tried to distract yourself from the unsettling gaze that watched your every move. You let out a breath as Taehyung went back to his phone. Your eyes drifted as you picked up the local Newspaper, your eyes skimmed over the headline, ‘Jigsaw Traps Continue’. Taehyung noticed you staring at the front page, and chuckled, “you scared of Jigsaw Angel?”

You shook your head, why would you be scared of some nutjob who’s targeted criminals and drug dealers? You’re a nobody. “Of some psychopathic puppet?” if anyone did anything to you that would threaten your life, it would be you. Taehyung just laughed in return as you skipped the article and skim-read the other pointless stories.

You were fucking clueless as to who he was while he knew every little thing about you. He had watched you for months… His precious little Y/Nie… Oh how silly you were, taking your life for granted.

You hated yourself that much, you were willingly marking yourself up. Tainting your skin… oh your skin, how fucking beautiful and soft it looked, even with all the scars it still looked perfect… Taehyung wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and lock you inside with him. Forever. He didn’t want anyone touching what was his.

He knew you wore a mask when in public, too afraid to show your real self. Little did you know, he wore a mask himself...only he wore it to better other people.

He had a plan.

And you’d soon find out.

Let the games begin.

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cherri-cherri · 3 years

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Pairings - Yuuji Itadori x Reader x Ryomen Sukuna

Synopsis - Ever since Yuuji moved away to Tokyo, you've been noticing some odd changes from him, it's almost as if...he was becoming another person all together.

Theme - Monster by Imagine Dragons

A/N - An idea hit me in the head while I was working and I wanted to try this out so badly with both Yuuji and Sukuna! A concept of 'What if the vessel wasn't just the vessel?'. The vessel would eventually merged with the being to become something new altogether, and I thought...yes. why the heck not. This is gonna be a long one, So let's hop right it! Because I really like this idea, theres a good chance this is going to be either split up into parts or I'm gonna keep visiting this every now and then.

Warning - The characters in this story will be aged up due to NSFW content here. Dirty NSFW scenes sprinkled in, Gore Warning, Abuse, Etc.

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He didnt want this...

All he wanted was to keep those he cared about safe. Lying to you at the time seemed like a good idea, especially since you weren't tied into the mystical world he was now tied to, and he didn't want you too. But now, perhaps he should've told you everything.

About the finger, about the school, and...

About Sukuna.

You couldn't exactly remember why you originally said yes to the pink haired boy when he asked you to join his occult club activities that night. Maybe it was because of the fact you have nothing really better to do, or maybe because traveling through a forest of possible gruesome death seemed the most attractive thing to you at the time, yet you an Yuuji grew close together that night. Truth be told, walking through those woods during the dead of night was actually creepier than you thought but he was there by your side to comfort you the entire time, holding your hand while cracking a few jokes every now and then to calm your nerves.

"You're not scared? You seem so..well calm?" You asked, looking up at Yuuji with furrowed brows as he just smiled down at you. "Nah, not really. It's just darker and a few trees are around. Not really anything scary, right?" He said, rubbing the back of his neck while chuckling.

Maybe it was because of the warmth of his hands wrapped around your own or how comforting the presence he gave off was to you but it was probably then that your feelings for Yuuji began to grow.

"What you're going to Tokyo?" You questioned, watching Yuuji prepared a few boxes to pack his things. "Yeah, transferring schools. I'm, um .. I'm recieving a sports scholarship at a school there." Placing a few more of things away was when he finally turned to see you, clearly upset over just now being told this. Sure, you should've been happy to see your best friend be able to leave to accomplish more out of his life but it was the thought of him leaving you here that hurt the most. When he saw your face and the conflicted look on it, Yuuji stepped over towards you before wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you in your embrace.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I just—" before he could finish his sentence, you stood up on your toes and wrapped your arms around his neck and simply smiled to him. "You don't have to say a thing, Yuuji, I'm happy for you. Just promise me that you'll stay safe out there for me, 'kay?"

Your words alone reminded him why he had to leave, why he had to go and leave you here. It was to keep you safe, safe from curses and safe from the curse lying dormant inside of him now. "R-right...Thank you, Y/N"

The school days were quiet once when Yuuji transferred schools. Sadly enough, the occult club had to disband after he left due to them not having enough members with Iguchi still hospitalized. Now it just seemed..boring without him there but he still seemed to have brighten your day with the photos he would send you every day of the bright city lights and bustling streets. His little messages and calls always well timed to reassure you that just because you aren't blocks away from each other anymore doesn't mean you won't still be friends.

So far, you've became pretty happy with Yuuji and how he's able to come so far in Tokyo. He speaks greatly about his sensei and his new classmates known as Fushiguro and Kugasaki, who from the sound of it, are a bit of a handle but great friends who still treat him well. Every week when he had his day off, he would spend time on video call to talk to you and even show you cool things that he either found around the city or around the school's campus.

Tonight however..he was late. Sure, it didn't bother you really if he was punctual or on time since this was Yuuji we were talking about here but there was a tad bit of worry lingering in your head. Soon enough, as soon as that ugly feeling of worry and doubt began to surface, Yuuji's icon appeared on the screen on the laptop as it began to ring to which you quickly opened.

"Yuuji, hey— oh my god, your face." You said right away, gasping a little at the cuts and bruises littered not only on his face but from the looks of it, his arms and shoulders too. Has he been fighting? "What? Oh, oh! These! Yeah, Fushiguro and Gojou-Sensei kinda roughen me up a little today during training but it's no sweat, really! Barely feel a thing," Yuuji tried to give you a reassuring smile while patting his right shoulder only to wince a little in pain from the impact of the pat.

"First the weird scars on your face, now bruises? Dude, I get that this is a sports thing but don't you think it's a little extreme?"

Hearing the worry in your voice, Yuuji rubbed the back of his neck with his left hand nervously as he tried to think of a way to reassure you until a deep voice came from that same hand, chuckling softly.

"What's this? A woman talking to the brat...? How amusing." Sukuna.

Hearing the voice, Yuuji instantly flinched and lowered his arms out of the camera's view. Panic shot through his body as you stared at the screen with a raised brow. "Oh, is someone there with you now? Didn't know you had a roommate."

Oh good, you didn't see him. It wasn't as if he was afraid of you meeting Sukuna, he was afraid of telling you the truth about everything. About how he was now a vessel for ancient being, how he was studying cursed energy and jujutsu, how he died yet came back to life..dumping so much on you with the chance that you might never speak to him again out of fear, out of disgust. That you stop being his friend, and that he would never..he would never—

"Yuuji?" Tapping the screen a little on your laptop as it shook the camera, he soon stared back at you and laughed nervously. "O-oh right, he's only here for a little bit of time, so I figured what's really the point in telling you"

"Really now? Could've swore I was here to stay with you forever. You could at least introduce me to your friend here." Sukuna felt a great amusement watching Yuuji squirm just to keep you in the dark. Yuuji quickly began stammering on his words, throwing you off as he made a quick excuse to leave the call early. Before you could even say a single word, he clicked ended the facetime before sighing to himself and leaning back against his chair.

"...What is the point in keeping me hidden? We are practically one now, me as you and you as me, Brat." Sukuna said, his mouth now appearing on the left side of his cheek with the eyelid opening to stare up at the boy. "Are you scared of me paying your little toy a visit? Young and no doubt a virgin, I could have some fun with her—" Yuuji quickly slapped a hand against the mouth in attempt to hush the curse only for Sukuna to migrate to the hand.

"I won't let that happen, Sukuna." Yuuji said, frowning as he heard the curse chuckle. He didn't like the sound of how he described his bond to the soul sleeping inside of him, how they were one in the same. Shaking his head, the boy tried to reassure himself that he was nothing like Sukuna and simply went to turn off the lights and sleep on it. The last thing he heard before slumber took him were the ominous words of Sukuna,

"You'll see I was right soon enough, brat..."

A week later, Yuuji came back home to visit you. It was one of the days where the school allowed their students a break from their studies and classes and so he wanted to spend it with you as a surprise. And indeed you were surprised. When you had rushed downstairs, you did so wearing only a red sleeved t-shirt that the pink haired male might have left behind with a pair of gray shorts, and so when you opened the door to see the cheery face of your best friend well...it may have left you a bit flustered.

"Hey, Y/—" you quickly shut the door in his face, collapsing on your knees as you felt your cheeks beginning to burn. 'Why of all days, Itadori?!' You thought to yourself as she slowly stood back up and cracked the door open to see Yuuji's baffled face. He looked like a puppy..a sad puppy who was just kicked off his owner's bed and it broke you. Before long, he was now in your house and sitting in the living room couch while you were in the kitchen preparing tea. Your father was currently away on business while god knows what your mother was..it was just the two of you.

And it was awkward.

As you prepared tea on the kettle, Yuuji couldn't help but look at the shirt you were wearing as a small pink blush was lightly spreading on his cheeks. In a way, it filled him with a strange feeling seeing you walking around in something of his, seeing you wearing his shirt made him..prideful. didn't help with how short your shorts were either, it was practically hugging onto your as—

"So, it's just you? Dude, you should've told me you were coming! I would've been more prepared..I barely have any snacks or anything here right now." You grumbled, snapping his attention away to listen to what you were saying. "Hey, no worries, Y/N. Honestly, I'm just hungry for something else..." that last part through him off as he covered his mouth. That wasn't his voice. No, it was but that wasn't him speaking.

As he turned his head to the side to the balcony door, there the boy saw it in his reflection. The eye of Sukuna staring right back at him, causing him to quickly cover the eye.

"Huh? Alright, well what are you hungry for? Theres probably some ramen around here someone or we could just go out to a place to eat if you want.." you questioned, back turned away from him as you began to take the now whistling kettle off the stove. No, he couldn't deal with this now, not while you were only feet away from him. Yet the more he watched you in the reflection, the more he saw your curves in those pretty little shorts or your braless breasts bounce with ease under his stolen shirt...

Shaking his head, Yuuji soon stood up from the couch and placed on his jacket. "I'm sorry, N/N, But I have to go—"

"Wait what but–"

"Sorry, u-um, Gojou-Sensei said something came up and I have to go back! I'm sorry but I'll make it up to you— I promise!" Before you could even protest, he was already out of the door and gone. As he left, you could've swore you saw an eye on his cheek where one of his scars were but that was impossible, right?

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He honestly had no idea where he was going to run off to but the boy knew that if Sukuna had a chance to take over and you were in front of him, would've hurt you or worse. Seeing your disappointed face yet again almost shattered his heart completely and when Yuuji finally came to a halt, he found himself beside a small stream and sighed. This was all for the best. It was to keep you safe, or so he kept telling himself.

"Damn, to think you would actually run away when she was begging for you to take her there. What a wimp.." Sukuka said, mouth manifesting on Yuuji's neck as his eye looks up at frowning boy. "Its not often you get an open invitation from a woman. If I was in control, I would've taken her then and there and ram my co‐" Yuuji quickly slapped a hand over the mouth as a faint blush appeared on his cheeks, him now thinking back to you and how pretty you looked wearing his shirt. "S-shut up. Don't go saying such gross crap."

"You know you feel the same. I can see that she affects you even now judging by the sight of your pants. You wanted to stuff her with your seed just as much as I did." Sukuna said, the mouth now on his hand. Much to Yuuji's surprise, his dark brown eyes quickly shot down to his pants and just as Sukuna said, there was a raging boner standing up at attention. Swallowing his guilt, he tried to cover it only for his pinky finger to slowly graze the fabric and giving his cock a small jolt. The boy hissed a little and quickly placed his hands to his side.

"I-i..I just.." "No need to be embarrassed. That girl isn't anything typically special but just seeing her, seeing her ass in such revealing clothing. Women of this era must be extremely dirty~" Sukuna chuckled "and hearing your thoughts, you certainly surprised me, Brat..." the more Sukuna spoke, the more Yuuji thought back to you. Seeing your breasts and ass was truthfully hot, even if you weren't exactly his type, he still found you beautiful. Slowly without him even noticing, his hand slowly motioned for his cock once more and in the silence of the forest, Yuuji Itadori thought only of you during his time in pleasure.

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It wasn't until later on into the night that Yuuji had finally texted you back, saying he would back tomorrow to make things up with you. Sure, it did cheer you up that he would be back but the way he was acting lately made you feel like something was wrong. If you ever asked, he would change the subject or just smile at you awkwardly as if admitting to hiding something but you won't force him tell you what was wrong. When He was ready, he would tell you for sure and you'll wait for however long he wanted.

"N/N, Everything alright?" Yuuji asked, gaining your attention as you snapped back to the present and out of your thoughts. Looking around, you found yourself staring ahead at a bag of popcorn and the large bright ights of a ferris wheel constantly in motion. That's right, the local fairgrounds, Yuuji had wanted to go one more time before he returned back to Tokyo and since you always liked the food here, you of course said yes. "O-oh, yeah! I'm fine. Just looking ahead at the wheel. Remember last time we were here some kid ended up puking on Sasaki from a cart above us?"

"Haha! Yeah, she smelled of salty tuna for weeks afterwards and it left a stain on her uniform" He laughed, staring at the wheel as he thought about the memory. As you stared at him and watch his smile, it had then reassured you that this was still your best friend and you smiled back. For a moment, the two of you were having a blast at the small fair, playing some of the games set up by the booths (and being turned away after Yuuji broke a few with his strength..) it felt like old times all over again. "Wanna play another game or play at bumper carts? We still have some time to kill before you gotta go back?" You asked, carrying some of the plushie prizes the two of you (mainly Yuuji) earned, you looked over to your side and saw a cotton candy display before your attention turns back to Yuuji, The two of you decided just for a moment to sit down at a small metal bench to rest your feet for a moment

Seeing the display, an idea popped up in his head and the words of Gojou appeared in his mind. 'You want advice on how to swoon a girl? Well take small hints when she gives them to you, if her eyes are lingering on something then that's probably a sign she wants it—'. Seeing as how you kept looking up at the cotton candy, he thought this might have been his chance and sat down his own plushies. Without saying a word, Yuuji got up and walked over to the stand, leaving you there by the table alone with your horde of plush creatures.

Seeing you seating there at the bench by yourself, a group of punks who looked to be close to your age strolled up to you, two of them taking a seat on each side of you while the third one was standing right behind you. "Fine evening, isn't it, love. What's a sweet little thing like you doing here by yourself, you looking for some fun?" The purple haired male said on your left side, lowering his shades as he stared noticeably at your chest. "Actually, I'm here with a friend and this seat is for him so if you could jus—" "oh a 'friend'? But I don't see this friend now, so maybe you could tag along with us back to our place and we'll show you a fun time." The punk behind you said, his hands now pressed firmly on both of your shoulders as he leaned in a bit closer to you, causing you to flinch at his touch. "I, um.."

"N/N?"

Turning your head back to in front of you, you saw Yuuji there holding a blue and pink cotton candy stick and face emotionles. "N/N, huh? That's a cute name. This your friend, N/N?" The purple haired punk said, chuckling while rising from his seat "....." Yuuji remained silent for a bit as he stared off at the hands touching you, gripping onto your shoulder and clearly making you uncomfortable. He was typically known for being a calm guy but see this angered him beyond words.

'You see what they're doing to your woman, brat? You're just going to let it happen..?' Yuuji heard the inner words of Sukuna in his head, his eyes dart away from you to the guy standing in front of him, smirking as he touch the cotton candy from the pink haired boy's hand and taking a large bite of the webby treat. "This doesnt have to get rough, all you need to do is walk away and we'll show N/N-chan here a good time she'll never forget." He said, licking his tongue over his lips.

As Yuuji's lips parted, he heard a groan coming from you as you squirmed in the other guys hold with the second punk was now leaning into your neck. Seeing your frown of discomfort, they way they were touching what was rightful his , All he needed to hear were those small words from Sukuna.

'They're touching your woman, they're hurting her. Finish.. them.. off.'

Yuuji stood there for a moment, remaining silent as he lowered his hand, a shadow now cast over his face. Opening one of your eyes as you squirm in the punk's hold, you saw something that made your heart almost stop beating altogether. That smile on his face, that malevolent smile and empty eyes as he held onto the purple haired Male's now broken arm.

The next thing was a blur. The screams of your harassers echoed around you and you heard a wet sound looping over and over again as well as hard thuds. Opening your eyes, you saw it. Two of the thugs bloodied and bruised as their limbs were bent in ways you couldn't imagine, one of them dangling up above you on a tree branch while the other one was limp inside of the cotton candy stand. Looking around for the third one, you saw him behind held against one of the food stands while Yuuji was there gripping his hand over the punk's neck. You couldn't exactly show him any mercy and yet Yuuji was clearly taking things too far, even when the guy tried to beg for mercy and claw his way out of your friend's hold, all Yuuji did was stand there with a grin you've never seen before. It wasnt one of his innocent smiles or mischievous grins, no, it was one of pure sadism. "P-please stop, I'm sorry..I'm sorry.." "you didn't stop when she wanted you too, So why should I?" Yuuji tilted his head to the side a little, chuckling a little as his grip tightened and the man gasped out for air "you'll pay for what you did. You'll all fucking pay..."

The air in your chest almost stopped filling your lungs completely as you watch this. That wasn't the Yuuji you knew, he would've never went this far just to prove a point! Slowly taking a step forward and then another and then slowly speeding up, you reached out and held onto the arm Yuuji was holding the punk up with. "Yuuji, stop it! You'll kill him if you keep this up!" You yelled only to feel a blow strike your face and send you tumbling back a few feet, causing you to scream out in pain. "Stay out of this." Was all he said until freezing and slowly turning back to see what he had done.

Crimson was spilling from your nose onto your shirt and it was gushing out by the bucket to which you quickly covered as you stared up at Yuuji with teary eyes. Regret instantly overwhelmed him as he dropped the thug and slowly reached over to you, his senses coming back to him. "N/N?" He questioned, almost checking to see if you were alright but you backed away as he stepped over to you. What has he done..? Why did he..? He watched you slowly back away with each step, fear in your bright (E/C) eyes and it broke him. "Hey, w-what's wrong? I was only trying to protect them from you, you don't have to be scared."

As people began to crowd in, brought in by the noise of fighting and your scream, Yuuji hand ghosted over the skin of yourself shoulder and you flinched. You flinched at his touch..So many feelings began to overwhelm him that he didn't notice the look of horror in your eyes as you watched what thought were scars slowly twitch and open up, revealing bright red eyes staring directly at you.

"They were going to hurt you," 'She's scared of you now after all you've done' "I saved you! They won't touch you like that again!" 'She sees you for what you are, brat.' "I just wanted to keep you safe!" With each yell, Yuuji watched as you grew more and more scared, the people around all of you terrified as they watched and some even grabbing whatever they could that could be a weapon. Gripping his head as he felt an intense pain through his skull, it was then he noticed..how small you looked as he towered over you. When did you get so small? He thought to himself, bending down to grab you when he saw his arm.

His nails were a dark purple shade, sharper and three black markings were on his wrist. Turning his head a little to one of the booth's and staring into the window was when the truth hit Yuuji hard. His body was different and taller now for some reason and Sukuna's markings were slowly appearing over his face. He was..slipping?

"Y-yuuji, what the hell is happening to you.." he heard you whisper yet before he could respond, there was the sharp pain of something blunt hitting his shoulder. Looking to his feet, he saw a medium sized rock and there another and another. The people were launching what they could at him, yelling at him to leave the girl alone and to leave. Yelling for his death, calling him a monster, calling him a curse. He stared at you for a moment, seeing how now tears leaking from your eyes and Yuuji stepped away before fleeing.

"Yuuji, wait!!" He heard your frantic yell from behind him but it didn't slow him down as he kept running further into the distance and leaving you behind. Your yells becoming drowned out by the mad laughter of Sukuna echoing in his mind.

-----------------------

No, he didn't want this at all. The day was meant to go differently, it was meant to be just the two of you having fun together and end with the ferris wheel and him finally telling you that he...

Thunder crackled outside of the decrepit shrine the boy had taken shelter in, rain pouring outside by the gallons. As he watched the raindrops in silence, Yuuji saw how the scenery slowly began to shift around him as the sky became more malevolent and the cold concrete he was sitting on now a pool of crimson water with piles on top of piles of bones surrounded him. The memories of the fairground echoed in his mind over and over again on loop of him hitting you and your look of fear haunting him, causing his eyes to water.

"Aw, are you going to cry, brat..?"

Yuuji remained silent as he waited for Sukuna to appear at any moment, yet he never came, only his voice lingered around him. "This is all of your fault.." Yuuji whispered, staring off into the rain. "My fault? I don't understand. If I recall, you were to one who eat my finger. You were the one who signed up for being my vessel, everything that has been done was all you..I merely watched from here."

"Bullshit! You made me hurt her..you made me like this!" Yuuji screamed out, flashes of who he did to those thugs showing through his mind, "You made me hurt them!"

"...No, that was all you. You can blame me all you want but I felt what you felt, saw what you saw and you loved every second of that fight. Whipping those who displease you in place, kicking the asses of the men who touched what was yours. Gotta say, made me tear up watching everything unfold" Hear the curse's chuckle echo around in the shrine, Yuuji quickly stood up and yelled out for Sukuna to show himself, only for him to collapse on his knees when feeling an sharp pain in his torso.

"No need to show myself, I'm already with you as close as I can."

Gritting his teeth in pain it was then that Yuuji saw his reflection staring back at him in the water, grinning ear to ear with malice in those sharp fangs.

"You see , Brat, becoming my vessel didn't just mean I was trapped inside of you..no no..You would slowly become me. Your small soul means shit compared to mine and it will be swallowed whole by me. I just needed us to be bound for some time and you would be mine..."

As the reflection spoke to him, Yuuji screamed out in pain as he felt his bones inside of him crack and twist as if they were rearranging themselves. His stomach felt as if it was being cut open entirely as the flesh began to slowly pull apart while tearing open the yellow hoodie in the process, the meat of his torso was forced open as a tongue lulled out and licked his abs like they were lips. The sides of his waist felt as if someone was taking a pair of axes and were merely swinging it down as flesh began to bubble through and bones formed one by one until two new pair of arms were fully shaped. Taking a deep breath, Yuuji slowly chuckled as one of his hands reached up to his head and gripped it and the others wrapped around his waist.

"N-no..no..i.."

"You should be honoured, Yuuji. You get the privilege of becoming one with me, my power is now yours and yours mine." His lips, against his will, began to speak the words of Sukuna as they formed into a forced grin. "N-no..I haven't told her yet. I haven't told N/N that I love—"

"Yuuji?"

Once when he blinked, Yuuji found himself no longer in the shrine but sitting inside of his desk in his old desk with you standing beside him. Seeing you before him, safe and smiling at him, the boy quickly stood up and wrapped his arms around you which took you for surprise in the process but you simply allowed him to let it all out when you hugged him back. "Well hello to you too, welcome back to earth, how was your trip to space..?" You said, chuckling before feeling something wet on your shoulders. His tears.

"Y/N..I..I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, I should've told you everything. I should'nt have hit you. I just wanted to protect you because...because...I love you!" His words surprised you but you simply smile. "I love you too, Yuuji."

Staring back down at the reflection before him of the boy hugging onto you tightly as he weeped, dark brown eyes shift to that of a bright velvet shade. Sukuna chuckled while stretching out his newly formed body. How good it felt to be back in control, to have actual flesh again and to see this brand new world all to himself. Sure, his power was not what it used to be but he would regain all of his fingers soon enough. As his domain faded away and he found himself back in the decrepit old shrine, he smirked to himself while debating his next order of business.

"Y/N L/N...Maybe I should do this body a favor and seize you for my own."

-----------------------

He wouldn't answer any of your calls or texts. No one has heard or seen of him but now there was a witch hunt for your best friend. As you laid in your dimly lit bedroom with bandages over your nose, you stared down at your phone anxiously awaiting something from Yuuji.

Ring~~~

Hearing the sound of your phone vibrating, you quickly shot up from the covers an grabbed the phone, unlocking it right away and placing it to your ear.

"Hello?" There was nothing but silence on the other end, the soft howling of the wind being the other thing you could really make out. "Hello..?"

"N/N.." your heart practically stopped for a moment but you felt almost a wave of relief hearing his voice on the other line. "Oh thank god, Yuuji..Are you ok—" "N/N, open the window." Was all he said before then line went dead and you were left sitting there baffled. Did he make it back to your house? Slowly crawling out of the bed and slipping on your bedroom slippers, you walked over towards the window and moved the blinds down only a little to peep outside. Standing there in your backyard, shirtless and with his hands in his pockets was Yuuji, seemingly back to normal and everything. There were not increased height, no weird markings, he looked fine and apart of you wondered if it was just the force of his punch that made you see him change. No..because everyone else saw his appearance too.

Taking a deep breath, you lifted up the blinds and unlatched the window. The second that it was free and opened up, Yuuji had jumped above onto the roof and crawled inside to your room. "Y-yuuji, you have a lot of explaining to do— Whoa, whoa!" You took a step back cautiously but he soon grabbed ahold of your wrist and pulled you close to his chest, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head in the crook of your neck. "I know I do, but first I just want to say I'm sorry to you, Y/N. I never meant to hurt you.." he said, whispering in a soft tone as his hold on you tighten a bit.

"I'm leaving here after tonight but I just had to see you to tell you that I..I love you. I love you, Y/N" Taken back by his words, you felt yourself being pushed onto your bed and watched as the boy loomed over you before crawling onto the mattress.

He loved you. Those words practically made your heart skipped over so many times that you were positive that you had stopped breathing. "Let me come with you, Yuuji." You said, reaching up to his face and caressing his cheeks, "I don't know what's happening but you can trust me. I won't let you go through this alone and I'll always be here with you."

He didn't say much after that. All he did was lower his head a little until your lips were merely inches away from each other before he pressed them together. The sensation you felt was one like fireworks. Those butterflies in your stomach exploding and multiplying over and over again as you felt his tongue licking your bottom lip but you pulled away before he could fully explore your mouth.

"Always..? So you will always stay with me, N/N?" He whispered, head dipping down to your neck as he left a trail of kisses down your warm skin until he kissed the base of your throat. "Yeah..I will." "Do you swear..?" His hands began to grip your hips, running the tips of his fingers against your clothed thighs while he began to press his own hips to your own.

"I-I swear.." you said, staring up at Yuuji with a small smile. He stared at you for a moment, smiling down at you before sitting up, his large hand covering the upper half of his face.

"That's all I need to make you mine." Sliding his hand upwards was when you saw it. Those spare eyes once again on Yuuji's cheeks, staring at you as if it you were nothing but glass. That sincere smile that calmed your soul became a mischievous grin, showing the sharpened fangs he now had. You watched as those pitch blackp markings began to spread over his skin and yet the moment you sat up, two fully grown arms pinned you down onto the mattress. "Almost as naive as the brat himself but I suppose there is some charm to the naivete of a woman. Makes it easier to influence, to change.." 'Yuuji' said, dipping his head down to your ear before biting down on the lobe of it. You gasped out, squirming in his hold.

"Let me go, Yuuji! I don't know what's going on but I want to help! Just let me help you!" You yelled out to him but soon silenced yourself as you noticed the scenery of your bedroom changing. All of your furniture began to disappear one by one as a red hue began to spread around the two of you

In the blink of an eye, you were taken to Sukuna's innate domain. The water that replaced the softness of your bed now causing your back to soaked and your hair now spread out and floating in the depths. "Yell all you want but that brat can't hear you anymore. Gone forever in a dream that will never come true, but I promise I will keep you company in his stead. By the time I am done with you, will forget all about him. All you'll want is me, all you'll ever need is me. The name Ryomen Sukuna will burned into your soul and you'll learn to worship me, N/N..."

With a single swing, the soft yet wet cotton fabric of your shirt and shorts was torn off of you with ease and revealed your now exposed flesh to the cold. Sukuna stared down at them, his tongue licked over his long and sharp fangs as his eyes motioned down to your folds. His hand traveled down your thighs before his finger swiped against the outer circle of your lips yet he looked displeased from what he felt. "Dry as a drought but that's fine. I'll be fucking you regardless" he said, his index finger slowly pushing inside of your virgin cunt causing you to gasp out for air and arch your back. "You tighten just now, dirty whore...Did you often fantasise Yuuji stuffing his cock inside of you...?" he whispered into your ear intimately, he kissed the bottom of your ear and moved onto your neck, sucking until he found the soft spot that made you inhale deeply.

Sukuna sucked on your neck while constantly kept inserting his finger in you, pumping in and out, eventually adding a second digit. He curled his fingers and caused you let out a faint moan as his finger crept closer to your sweet spot over and over. It was too much, you thought as he bit down onto your soft skin, and you were feeling so good from it so far and it made you ashamed. this demon, this thing was in your best friend's body and now he was using it to currently assault your body but the feeling of it all was too good. You had to keep your eyes shut for looking up at Sukuna tugged at your heart as all you saw was Yuuji.

"Oh you are loving this..." parting from your neck,he looked pleased seeing the angry red hickey left behind.

"I-im not...I'm not..." A moan escaped your lips, feeling something wet replace his fingers. Lifting your head, you saw a mouth on the palm of his hand and its tongue gently licking the nub of your clit almost like a lollipop. "Feels good, doesn't it, N/N..?" His tone was nothing less than mocking, the mouth taking ahold of one of your lips with its teeth causing you to scream out. "I said, it feels good doesnt it? Speak when your master is speaking to you. "

"Y-yes! It feels amazing!" You tasted so sweet on his tongue, circling your clit, lapping at your clenching entrance, kissing your folds. "A-Ah~" You whimper when he folds your legs to your chest, He takes another nip at your clit, as he listened to your hushed whines. Your moans were music to his ears, yet what he wanted from you was his name. The thought of his former vessel's love screaming his name turned him on, the thought of keeping you only fueling the flames. It was harder and harder for him to contain hisself when you're drowning in the pleasure of his mouth licking and sucking at your sloppy pussy.

"I'll take you as mine. You'd like that wouldn't you? Being the woman of the king of curses, waiting for me to return to fill you to the brim." sweat felt like it was pooling out of your body from the attention he was giving to on your clit. Your bucking hips were a clear sign that you were close and so, he pulled his hand away.

"You don't get to come yet. You're only allowed to when you're milking my cock."

The things he did to were things no man has ever done before. Scratches and cuts littered your flesh and bruises were on your sore ass and stomach. There a few times to where you had even blacked out from the amount of pleasure he had given you..

Now you found yourself with you riding his swollen cock as he stared up at you with satisfied eyes, grunting while large hands were pressed against your abused breasts as his hips pumped up into your leaking cunt. Your head felt like it was spinning as you screamed out, orgasm crashing hard as your cunt tightened around his shaft.

As you felt his throbbing cock inside of you, his hand grabbed ahold of your chin and your lips made contact. Sukuna only pulled away when he silently cursed, his seed releasing inside of you for what felt like the billionth time. Taking a deep breath, he stayed inside of your warm hole, not wanting a single drop to spill and kissed your cheek.

Fucking you only assured his choice of keeping you as he own. Sukuna was going to original kill you while taking Yuuji's appearance after taking you but holding you close like this as you soon became limp (no doubt exhausted), your warmth against his own and staring down at your cum stained face..it made something inside him feel strange.

A weakness no doubt, but one at the moment that could keep him entertained. Combing a loose strand of hair behind your ears, Sukuna chuckled.

"From this day forth, you will be my bride. Consider yourself lucky..."

#sukuna x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #jjk angst #jjk #jjk yuuji #yuuji itadori x reader #yuuji itadori #jjk smut

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baecvlt · 3 years

Note

hi um.. this might be an odd request and ofc you dont have to do it but uh can i get a byakuya togami x reader (smut oneshot) in which the reader has a degradation kink and well, its byakuya, you can decided on the rest

The Same Deep Water as You

in which the reader is degraded by Byakuya Togami

Byakuya Togami x Reader

smut

(as stated in follow up dm) fem reader

requested by anon: first tike working with this kind of thing

warnings: degradation and slightly masochist actions to be aware of (not too severe). good ending tho so..

enjoy !

She was a quiet girl, never really spoke to anyone but Makoto and Kyoko. They weren’t so awful. While others weren’t awful, she didn’t think of them as approachable. She could talk to them, but she couldn’t be too trusting. Especially of—

“What did I tell you about looking in my direction, you cretin”

Byakuya Togami.

Makoto and Kyoko looked back at Byakuya, staring. “I wasn’t staring,” she argued,“Honestly, I wasn’t”. He approached her,“So, I’m a liar now?”. She shook her head frantically, hoping he’d go away. “Give it up, Togami,” Kyoko said,“Leave the poor girl alone. She’s having a rough day”. She looked away and put her head down on the table. “Whatever,” he said,“I’m not even half interested to know why. Just keep your distance”.

She had no idea what was wrong with him, why his cruelty shone on her and no one else. He was a dick to everyone, but most of all towards her. It was kind of starting to hurt, but mostly because being in this situation of a killing game was rather stressful. Byakuya’s unnecessary cruelty didn’t help. Still, she tried to keep a smile, if not, at least a friendly face.

“Well, Makoto and I have business to attend to with that whole next blackened bullshit. See you later. By the way, just stay out of Togami’s way. He’s a prick, it won’t do u any good to be near him. Okay?”

She nodded, taking his advice a little too literal.

She did exactly as Kyoko told her as she tried keeping a routine. She went to her room, grabbing her very little laundry. She walked to the laundry room, pusbing open the door. When she got a view of the room, she immediately turned back, for Byakuya was sitting there doing his laundry. She went to her room, set her clothes down, and waited for Byakuya to leave.

Finally, he was gone. This allowed for her to wash her clothes. After drying and folding, she decided it’d be a good idea to relax and enjoy what the school had to offer, such as the sauna. What? Who cares if this is a killing game? It was far more luxurious than anything she had in her day to day life. She has the right enjoy things. Wearing her bathing suit underneath, she walked her way to the sauna, but before that, she stripped down and put her normal clothes in a locker. Then, she was off.

As she sat in the heat, she thought to herself. All these thoughts were regarding Byakuya. It was things like “Why is he such a dick?” and “Why me? What did I do?”. They were all valid thoughts. At this point, he was treating her worse than he treats Toko. It’s got to he something he has against her. Then again, she couldn’t act like she didn’t like it. The sheer degradation of it all gave her a thrill, but Byakuya wasn’t fucking her so really he had no reason to act that way. Just as she wrapped up her thoughts, she decided it was a good time to leave before the sauna burned her skin right off. She walked right out of there. When alone, she was pretty confident about herself, her body. Its when she’s around others that she gets quiet. Judgement is a fear of hers, so she’s learned that the more you say/do, the more susceptible to judgement you are.

...but she was alone, she didnt worry.

Confidently, she walked out of the sauna. Despite the heat, it was refreshing. She opened her locker, getting her clothes out. She began to get dressed, realizing no one was around, then straight up stopped giving a fuck. She got her normal underwear on without interruptions, sliding on her pantyhose then skirt. Now it was time for her top. She took off her bikini top and replaced it with her bra. That was when she heard footsteps approaching, but they faded, so she ignored it. Putting on her long sleeve button up, her torso faced the entrance as her eyes focused on her buttons.

“Christ, screw me”

Without thinking, she replied,“Give me a time and place?”. She very slowly realized who the voice belonged to as she stopped buttoning up her shirt. Byakuya stared, she covered her mouth. “Eager, aren’t you?,” he scoffed. She finished her buttons as she walked right past him, ignoring his snide remark. That perv. Surely, he could’ve said something. He was there for a while. Was he judging her or did he like what he saw? Who knows?

What we know now is that the Togami’s raised a weirdo.

This only gave her a better reason to avoid him. Everytime she went somewhere, if she saw him there, regardless if he had seen her or not she’d walk out. Like when she wanted a snack, he was there. “Hey,” he said to her, but she was gone. This also happened in the Rec Room, where she was playing with Celeste. He walked in, looking for Makoto. Even still, and mid-game, she dismissed herself. If only there was one place where she wouldn’t have to see him. Then, she remembers she overheard Byakuya say he was in no need of the library.

She figured it’d be a good opportunity for her to go there and read something, be in solitude. She’d been there once and it was so quiet. She walked her way there, peeking first to make sure the coast was clear. She picked up a random book of poetry. It didn’t matter what book it was really, she just wanted to read. She was glad the library was unoccupied. It was quite peaceful. Unlike the sauna, it took her mind off Byakuya. God, he’d be perfect if he wasn’t a prick. Why was he so cute? So attractive? If given the chance, she would show him how she cares, but what’s it worth if he despises her for no reason? Oh, well. She had read enough pages, deciding to leave an hour later. Suddenly, she got the feeling that she wasn’t alone. She had a pretty good instinct when it came to these things.

She didn’t want to be the next victim of anything, so she ran out and hurried to her room.

Bing-bong, Bing-Bong!

Nighttime, how great. Well at least that night ended on a rather okay note, despite everything else. Just as she was headed to her bed, there was a note slipped underneath her door. It startled her, picking it up.

“Come to my room at once. Togami”

Great.

So not only did she have to endure his verbal abuse during the day, it seems it could also branch out at night. She knew she didn’t have to go, but maybe if she did as he said, he’d back off. She walked to his room, only a few doors down the hall. She knew, this was disobidience of the bed time rule, but in that moment, it was the least of her concern. She put on her clothes from earlier today, heading out. She knocked on the door, waiting for him to open the door, and it did after a few seconds. Her heart was pounding as the door opened, his blue eyes shining in the dim light. “Y/N,” he greeted casually. She noticed he still wore his suit and in no way looked like he was at all getting ready for bed. “Good evening, Mr. Togami”. She wanted to be as respectful as possible. “Come in”. She cautiously stepped in. He closed his door, going to sit on his bed afterward.

“Sit”

She sat down on his chair, still nervous. “You look so tense,” he said in a softer tone, much softer than his usual demanding tone,“Relax”. She nodded. He looked at her and got up. Walking behind her, he ran his fingers through her soft hair. “How does it feel to be the object of my lust?,” he whispered. A chill ran down her spine as she muttered,“What?”. “Do you want it?,” he asked,“Me, treating you like a stray dog, I see how it excites you. I’d be more than willing to give it to you”. Her breath hitched and her face was hot. “Y-Yes”. He raised a brow. “Use you words, Y/N,” he said, placing a hand on her throat. “Fuck me, please,” she groaned, craving him. That was enough for him to start putting her on edge. He wanted her to beg, he loved to hear it. “How long has it been since you’ve been touched this way”.

“Too long”

His hands reached for her breasts, teasing them as he kissed her neck. “Oh my god!,” she cried. Her legs spread and he took note of this. “Go to bed,” he ordered,“I want you on your back”. She didn’t hesitate. She leapt to his bed and lay down. He immediately followed, hovering over her. He pinned her wrists down and began kissing her skillfully. She couldn’t help, but bite him and him flinching further increased her excitement. “What the hell?,” he cursed, she smirked. It angered him that she was having fun with this. He pulled off her skirt and ripped open her pantyhose, spreading her legs. “From now on, you are to call me master and nothing else,” he told her, moving her panties aside and licking her pussy. His tongue focused on her clit, but god, it felt good. She whined, reaching for his hair. While she was able to pull it a little, he grabbed her by the wrists and pinned her down again. His tongue began focusing on all other parts of her, rolling his thumb on her clit, softly. All she could do was squirm, but even that was hard to do. “Who’s pussy is this?,” he asked.

“Yours, master”

“That’s my girl”

She was cumming, practically dripping the more he touched her. He let go of her wrists, allowing her to finally tease her breasts and play with his hair as he ate her out. He loved her taste; she was sweet. Without moving his mouth away, he carefully worked two fingers into her, allowing him to taste her even more. “How’s that making my little slut feel?,” he asked. “Really, really good. Please, m-master,” she whined, but other than that, it was all incoherent babbling. She was frantic at that point.

“Look at you,” he whispered as his mouth was really going into it,“You’re making quite the mess, you know?”. “I know, master”. Her apologetic tone begged a question. “Come here,” he ordered. She sat on the balls of her feet, waiting for his next words. His hand was soft as he put it on her cheek, caressing her.

“Has my little slut had enough?”

She shook her head, muttering,“I want more”. Her lust-filled eyes stared into his as she went for his belt buckle. “Not like this,” he said, sitting down properly. “Okay,” he assured,“Come here, doll”. She went for his belt buckle and undid it. Carefully, she took his cock out, spitting. “Master, you’re aching”. He twitched as she stroked his sex with those words falling from her mouth. His stomach sank as feeling of her hands touching him this way dawned on him. He needed her, so bad.

“Bend over for me”

Her stomach lay flag on the bed as her ass was in the air, waiting for him to fuck her. “Shit,” he exclaimed, that was the first time she’d hear him cuss. “What’s wrong?”. He sighed.

“I don’t have any protection on me”

Thats when she reached into her shirt and bra, handing him a condom. “What the hell? How long did you have that in there?”. “No more questions,” she said softly,“Come on, baby”. Slowly, he teased her entrance, rubbing his cock slowly and making her shiver before grabbing her hips, slamming into her. Upon impact, her pussy spasmed around his cock as she reached for the pillow in front of her. He gasped, his fingers digging into her soft skin. “I’m gonna stretch you out”. She whined into the pillow as he repeated that, slowly at first. As much as he wanted to pound into her, he knew knew if he did that, he wouldn’t last long. “Ah! master, that feels really good,” she cried,“I need more.. please!”. He could barely speak. “I go at whatever pace I want, slut!,” he managed.

“M-Master, is it because you know you’ll cum fast if you do? Even thinking about pounding me makes you go slower than you already are, doesn’t it?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

His hand slammed onto her ass. She winced, gripping the sheets as he picked up the pace. Her eyes then rolled back. “Is this what you wanted?,” he said with gritted teeth. She let out a shaky cry and said,“Master, it’s what I needed”. A mirror was in front of them, Byakuya using it to check how she reacted to certain things. Letting him hit all around her walls drove her insane, but he still wasn’t going so hard. She also used the mirror to her advantage. She saw how he was struggling to fuck her hard without cumming. She wanted to mess around too. She smiled with lustful eyes, putting two fingers in her mouth and drooling over them. “What the hell”. Her playfulness left him flustered. He grabbed and held her up by her hair and slammed into her repeatedly.

“Oh, master, don’t ever stop! Please, don’t stop!”

He held her up with his hands on her breasts, kissing her neck. Her stomach went crazy, finding new ways to make her sick every time he hit her sweet spots. He had no problem finding them, he must have them memorized by now. There was about her, something so fucking intoxicating. She was like a drug and he was addicted. At first, he despised her for it, but soon enough, he started love her for it and that was scary. It all hit him when he saw how this woman devoted herself to him, even before fucking. She always respected him and saw him for other than money or looks. Immediately, guilt struck him.

That’s when he wanted to take things slower and actually look at her as they fucked. He sat up as she straddled his lap, riding his cock slowly, rhythmically almost as they kissed. Their kisses were much more passionate. His lips let her win, allowing her to kiss him sweetly. His hands held her back, hers wrapped around his neck while one played with his hair and it all felt right. Melting onto one another, he admired her eyes and how satisfied she appeared to be and how angelic her face was when he hit just the right spots. They spoke in between kisses. “Master-”. He shushed her, softly, rather than abruptly. “You don’t need to call me that now,” he whispered as he caressed her cheek.

“Byakuya, fuck, I love you”

“I love you too; all of you,” he muttered, maneuvering her hips in a way that made her groan. She rolled her hips down and tightened around him. That was when he realized that he could no longer continue. “I think I’m-”, he grunted and gasped, digging his head into her chest. “Did you cum?,” she asked, Byakuya nodding. His head suddenly peeked up. He was flustered and asked,“Did you really mean all that? You love me?”. He spat the word as if it sickened him. She nodded and played with his hair.

“I knew you’d mock me for it. Falling in love during the killing game? Pathetic”

“So... am I also pathetic?”

“No, what?”

“I said it too. Does that make me pathetic?”

She shook her head. “No,” she whispered,“Of course not”. There was a moment of silence between the two, where they just lay there and waited till someone said something. “I’m gonna head to my room,” she said. He nodded, although deep down, he protested and wanted to ask her to stay. He couldn’t do that, though. So there, he watched her get dress and leave the room with a funny walk.

The next morning, she got dressed and on her way to meet with the others. Upon opening her door, she was greeted by Byakuya. “Oh, good morning, Togami,” she said,“I didn’t expect to see you-”. He suddenly kissed her, taking her by surprise. “I love you and I want you to be mine,” he blurted. It shocked her even more since this was extremely out of character for him. “What?”. He held her hands. “Ever since we made love the other night, it’s been impossible for me to stop thinking of you”. People stopped at the door, staring because for some reason he heavily emphasized that fact. “You what?,” Kyoko asked. Byakuya stood in front of her to block her.

“Come on, Y/N”

There was a twinkle in his eyes as he asked for your hand (in a way). He loves you? It was hard to believe, but the more you thought about it, the more it felt right. What are you to say?

#danganronpa #trigger happy havoc #byakuya togami #byakuya togami smut #byakuya togami x reader #dr byakuya #x reader #smut

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heyitsyn · 4 years

Text

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 5

a/n: ong this is going to be a bit of a crack episode w a tiny dash of flirty manager

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon:

-Watch the boys be all dramatic when yn misses a few days of school and suddenly show up with a broken arm😭✊🏻😔

- Dunno if this is a dream or not but i think you mentioned that yn is clumsy. Just imagine her carrying those cute band aids around for when she gets hurt. But what if she uses them on the boys when they get hurt

tumblr moot:

- She is looking down at the boy who is checking her scrap on her knee, when she smiles all cutely and shit "I fell for you" And cue the boy having a heart attack because she is way to cute

im totally not running out of seijoh gifs or anything

anyways!!

lets start!!

okay as mentioned before and as read above,,

you are quite clumsy

like there is a normal level of clumsy

but you are just on another level

like in manager part 2, your mom ltr was not shocked when you said you fell up the stairs like ‘oh okay. the weathers nice today’

lmao what

and youre also the type to not even know you got hurt like youd just be scratching your arm and youd find a bruise

‘how did that get there?’

so it was common to find you with band-aids on you and bruises all over

like you entered the gym for practice and you were just doing your normal manager tingz when our meme bois saw you and zoomed towards you

‘y/n-chan!!! we missed you!!!!

makki screeched which scared you so you dropped the crate of bottles onto your feet

‘owie’

you mumbled, the pain settling in at an overwhelmingly quick pace so there were tiny tears in your eyes

the duo gasped and quickly kicked the crate to the side like they were angry at it for hurting you

uwu omg thats so cute

or the one time you were wiping the sweat from kyo’s forehead

he had a small soft smile that could only be seen by you as you got rid of the sweat

but that smile turned into a frown when he got a glimpse at the discoloration on certain parts of your arms

‘y/n’

he whispered

you blinked up and he gently grabbed your arm, fingertips ghosting over the bruises

‘how could you do this to your beautiful skin’

he mumbles and you shrugged

‘hmm,,, i didnt even know they were there’

kyo shook his head with an amused chuckle and iwa, who was drinking water at the side, noticed you two

then he noticed more at your other arm and baby boi hurriedly ran over to you

next thing you know, you got best bois fussing over you always hurting yourself and kyo gently headbutts you to tell you off while iwa flicks your nose

‘honestly, we cant trust you by yourself’

you just giggled at them which caused them to stumble and fluster

THESE BOYS ARE SO SOFT LIKE PLEASE

its quite normal for you to look like you just fell down the stairs and be so surprised whenever the boys point it out

like youd have this confused pout and tilt your head ‘hm? hello. how did you get here’

its kinda cute

and ofc you would naturally have your ointments for bruises or a first aid kit at all times bc you never really know when it happens and you need to treat it quickly

the boys always count on you for medical tape when their fingers bleed or whenever watari gets bruises all over his legs bc of too many flying dives

the bench was a common place for you to treat the others and our libero babie was sitting there at one practice

you were kneeled on the floor and gently applying ointment on the growing colors on his skin

‘hmm,,, wata-san, be careful next time, okay? your skin is really soft and pretty. its a shame to ruin it’

he wanted to scoff at the irony and the hypocritical comment but your worried and concerned eyes made him softly smile and nod

‘mhm. i will’

even though it was uneeded on reddened places, you would dig in your bag and fish out a gudetama bandaid on it

it was like a doctor’s signature for you and it makes the boys ltr fall in love with you all over again

ororororor that one time where kindaichi accidentally got a papercut during your study sessions and he was tearing up slightly at the pain

LMAO YALL REALLY OUT HERE TOUGHING OUT PAPERCUTS LIKE ITS NOTHING BUT I ACT LIKE I GOT STABBED 10 TIMES

you grinned at him to show that it was going to be okay and he let you sit on his lap so you could treat it

he still had a pout and you were giving him forehead kisses to calm him down

‘see? its going to be okay. nurse y/n-chan is the best out there and she’ll take care of you!’

he laughed slightly and you victoriously smiled

once it was all wrapped up, you placed a kiss on it

‘ya gotta kiss it to make it better’

not saying im doing a kindaichi route or anything but he may or may not tackled you with kisses with that comment

but sometimes, they would have to be the one to put that bandaid on you

like one day, you were walking down the stairs to go to the changing rooms for practice and humming softly when you caught sight of the tall volleyball player mattsun at the bottom of the stairs

he was just passing by and you noticed him, waving your hand and shouting his name

‘mattsun-san!’

you greeted and he turned and he smiled brightly at you

you excitedly increased your pace going down the stairs, not noticing that you stepped on the edge of the step and caused your foot to slip

unfortunately, mattsun was too far away for him to catch you so you tripped and scraped your knee

he flashnyoomed over to you and kneeled in front of you to examine it

ofc it hurt like hell but you put up a brave front

‘its okay, mattsun-san’

his adorable eyebrows scrunched in concern and he quickly shook his head and gently picked you up to sit 2 steps up

you watched silently as he grabbed ahold of the familiar blue first aid kit from your bag and he opened it to take out alcohol and other treatment things

his fingers worked to open the bottle and pour a little bit of alcohol before he gently reached out to grab your leg

but before that, our babie mattsun is a gentleman and looked up for a permission to help you

‘its okay, mattsun-san’

you giggled and you booped his nose

he was slowly cleaning the wound and you could still tell he was worried with how his brows were still furrowed

‘mattsun-san’

you called out and he looked up

you smiled cutely and looked down, flustered, then met his eyes again

‘i fell for you’

mattsun.exe stopped working

like deadass he blanked for a second then his brain processed what you said and when he did, he dropped the cotton ball and his face blew up red

this babie grimaced, eyes shutting tightly and head leaning on your thigh

you giggled at him and ran your hands through his hair

‘i swear, y/n, i swear’

he kept mumbling and his heartbeat quickened to the point he felt faint and he felt light-headed

you were just too cute

too damn cute for his heart

too damn cute for this world

just too cute

and thats not good

mattsun quickly regained his senses and hurriedly placed the ointment and the bandaid on to finish the job

you reached out with your hands for a hug and mattsun gladly leaned in and you clung to him like a koala which made him hold you tightly against his chest

‘hmm~~~~ thank you, mattsun-san’

you appreciated and gave him a kiss on his cheek in gratitude which made him hide his face in your neck

‘im going to get a heart attack, y/n. take responsibility’

he mumbled, nipping your neck

you chuckled and played with the hair on his neck

‘hm~ okay~ i take responsibility~’

I SWEAR MY MATTSUN SIMP IS NOW PEAKING THROUGH

that was only one of the accidents the seijoh boys went through with you and i swear those boys have superior intelligence in medical care just because you get hurt so much

until that one faithful day

you werent there

you werent at school or at practice

ofc you texted the coaches and the team that you werent going to be at school for a while and they spammed you asking what happened or if you were okay

but you didnt want to worry them so you just said that you were okay and it was just something that happened

ONG OIKAWA ACTUALLY CAME TO YOUR HOUSE BUT YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS AND NATSU TO TELL HIM TO GO AWAY BC IF HE FINDS OUT WHAT HAPPENED, THE CHILE WILL STORM INTO YOUR ROOM AND LECTURE YOU

HE ONLY WENT AWAY WHEN YOUR DAD CAME OUT WITH A BROOM AND THREATENED TO HIT HIM IF HE CONTINUES TO BOTHER YOU

UKAI VIBES HONESTLY

IS UKAI YOUR FATHER?

CONSPIRACY THEORY?

BUZZFEED UNSOLVED COME SOLVE THIS

then you finally appeared

dear god

kunimi saw you enter the classroom and he almost shot up to saturn when he saw your cast

‘y/n!’

he shouted and kindaichi heard it from his classroom beside yours and he also usain bolted towards your classroom to your desk

the boi texted the team you were here and they all raced to your classroom

EVERYONE WAS HAVING A FIELD DAY WITH THE APPEARANCE OF THE BEAUTIFUL VOLLEYBALL TEAM LIKE THE BOYS + YOU?! GODSEND

oikawa screeched at the sight of your arm and everyone was firing questions at you but you couldnt focus on one so you just sat there sheepishly smiling

‘Y/N! WHAT DID-’

‘I SWEAR ITS LIKE WE HAVE TO-’

‘MY HEART ALMOST DIED!! I THOUGHT YOU DIED-’

thank god your professor entered the shooed them out with a large textbook but your teacher smiled at you

‘l/n, good to have you back’

at lunch, dear god there was a riot

kunimi strong man kunimi hoisted you in his arms and walked over to the hidden team stairwell where everyone was waiting

they all had narrowed eyes and crossed arms, with iwakyo tapping their foot

you did the 🥺👉👈 and their eyes softened at that sight alone

‘you see,,,, i had a,,, concert,,, in the shower,,, and slipped’

they blinked, confusion swirling over everyone’s head

‘excuse me? you said you slipped in the bath?’

‘for a concert?’

‘you sing?’

the team facepalmed at the reason you came in with a broken arm and you pouted at them

‘sorry, captain, everyone. i didnt mean to’

you mumbled but the others couldnt blame you so they pulled you to a group hug

‘i swear, y/n-chan, you will get yourself killed one day’

‘sorry’

you apologized again but oikawa flicked your nose

‘no dont apologize. we’ll just have to be there for you constantly to look out for you’

and he stuck to that word

like oikawa came over to your house early in the morning to pick you up from school and your dad thought it was just him bothering again

so he sighed, placed his newspaper down, took a sip of tea, then stood up to go to the closet for his broom

this mans took a deep breath before opening his door and shouting and waving his broom around maniacally

‘SHUT UP!!! YOURE DISTURBING THE NEIGHBORS!! I WILL BEAT YOUR LOUD CRUSTY DUSTY-’

that woke up everyone in the house and you bolted down the stairs, terrified yet chuckling at the sight

then something happened for everyone in the neighborhood-or Japan- to wake up

yanno the drill ladies and gents

oikawa screamed

a/n: sorry i disappeared for a HOT SEC but im back!! and we finally going back to the groove!!! and uwu thanks for sticking by and waiting for another update and the next one might be my first not-seijoh work in a LONG WHILE so look forward to that!!!

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creacherkeeper · 3 years

Text

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

#fantasy high #dimension 20 #aelwyn abernant #WHO LET ME WRITE ALL THIS #does this even. fucking. make sense. who knows.#THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT

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tobesensation-9 · 3 years

Text

‘When You Fall’ Pt. 1 (Youngbin x Reader)

Genre: Angst, Romance (Mentions of breaking up, heartbreak, grief, fluff)

Synopsis: Inspired by Sam Kim’s song, You and Youngbin recollect memories of your past relationship after running into each other one year later.

December 1st

You thought you had set your alarm for 9:15am today. But when you rolled over and picked up your ringing phone from your nightstand and swiped to answer the call without thinking, you realised it was way passed 9:15am.

“Y/N! Where are you!” Your mother yells over the phone.

You snap out of your grogginess and sit up in bed. You were supposed to meet with your mom to help her shop for Christmas gifts for your family at 9:45. You remove your phone from your face to look at the time and it’s 10:30. Oops.

“I’m sorry mom. I had a tiring day at work yesterday so I overslept. Go ahead and start without me, I’ll catch up with you. Just tell me what store you’re in when I get there.”

“Okay sweetie. Don’t have me waiting too long okay? I’ll treat you to some lunch when you get here too.”

“Okay. Thanks mom. See you soon.”

You’ve been feeling stagnant lately, like all your hard work hasn’t been recognized. You’ve been working super hard at work, work on a new PR project for a clothing store and it was eating you up. You also had to worry about all the gifts to get you family and try to make your siblings and nieces especially feel batter about the holidays this year with everything happening.

But there was something else that had you feeling a little down. Your phone buzzes at a news article notification your received and as you look to see you notice the date.

December 1st. It’s been a year already? Was it just ironic? A coincidence? No it couldn’t be.

You look up and talk to nothing in particular, referring to the universe, “You did that to remind to let go right?”

You give a small smile and shrug standing at your sink counter. You look at yourself in your mirror holding eye contact. Yeah, it’s definitely because of that. Because of him.

November 28th

You and your best friend are over your place for drinks after a hard week at work.

“And then he said, ‘Liv, can you go replace the paper in the copier for once. It doesn’t seem like you ever do that. It’s nice to try something new.’ How could be assume I never replace the printer with paper! He never asked hey, ‘Hey Liv did you leave the printer empty?”

Your friend crushes her third canned beer and reaches for another can. “Oh, we only have one more.”

You look up at the coffee table from the floor. “Oh yeah.” You were kinda tipsy yourself having crushed three beers yourself. “I’ll go and grab some more from the convienece store. I’ll be back.”

Your friend nods and grabs another piece of fried chicken to eat with her new can of beer. You threw on an over-sized sweatshirt not caring to change your pajama pants and some sneakers on with your hills hanging out. You didn’t even bother to but the shoes on all the way. Two minutes you walk into the store go straight back to grab two boxes of beer and look for any ramen and chips your could add to tonight’s menu. As you walk to turn into the aisle with ramen you bump into someone’s arm.

“Oh sorry.” You nod quickly without any regard to looking at their eyes and keep it moving.

“Um.... y/n?”

You stop in place, frozen. You turn around at the familiar voice.

“It’s you isn’t it?”

You look up at the figure talking to you. As you looked up and scanned the body, something about it was strangely familiar. Once you reached the half-covered face you knew exactly who it was. You didn’t even need to see the whole face, you knew who it was just by his eyes.

“Oh. Hey Youngbin.” Your greeting, you didn’t know if it sounded too excited or if it was too forced. You definitely didn’t want to sound unhappy, although happy wouldn’t be the word to use to describe how you felt seeing him after all this time. Your stomach performed somersaults as he giggled a bit and greeted you back. You could tell he was smiling, his eyes were crinkled in the corners, even with him wearing a face mask.

A genuine smile, you didn’t know how he could show you such a thing, after so long. Part of it still pained you, another part of you missed it. A lot.

“Have company?” He asks eyeing the boxes of beer you were holding.

“Yeah just me and Liv.” You try to ease yourself away to scan the ramen options. Then you remembered that your had sirloin at the house, so you decided to get the instant noodles packs for Chapaghetti.

“If you’re getting more things I’ll take this.” Before you can object, Youngbin already holds the two boxes of beer and motions you to go ahead and pick the ramens you were eyeing.

Once you pickup the packs of ramen and some bags of potato chips, you sit your items on the counter. When you do Youngbin sits his two items on the counter as well and tells the cashier that all of the items were his. “No you don’t have to I’m-”

“I know how you can get when you drink a little after working. You didn't bring cash did you?”

You check your sweatshirt pocket and realise that you did leave the apartment without any cash. You looked down and felt your face getting hot.

After he paid for everything he hands you the with your ramen and his two drinks as he holds the beers. “What are you doing?”

He looks at, raising his eyebrows, “C’mon I’ll take this for you. You still live a couple minutes away right?”

Your face was starting to feel hotter and hotter by the minute. “Y-yeah.”

He starts walking in the direction of your apartment and you trail behind him, hesitantly. Why was he doing all this? You guys ended on such a sour note, well at least that’s how it felt. Did he not feel that way?

Your thoughts questioned his actions more and more. You over-analysed so much to the point where you didn’t even realize you were at your apartment building until Youngbin said something. “Ahh..could you grab the door me?” You shake your head and realize that you were about to pass your own apartment building. You walk back mutter a “sorry” and pushed the door open for him. He giggles behind you to himself as you pressed your floor number not the elevator.

The whole time the two of you walked, you hadn't uttered a word to each other. That was until he asked you a question the minute the two of you walked into the elevator and the doors shut.

“That voicemail I sent you that one time,” your stomach immediately dropped at the subject. “Did you ever listen to it?”

Maybe about a few months or so after the two of you separated he called you randomly one day and left a voicemail. You’ve always wanted to listen to it, but you were too scarred. You’d always hover your finger over the play button, a curious part of you wanting to listen to the two minute voicemail, the part that missed you. But the hurt part of you, the part of you that wanted to hold a grudge, wouldn't allow you to.

“I...uh. I honestly count bring myself to listen to it.”

You see him look over at you through your peripheral and he stars at you. You never look back over at him. He then gives a “hmm” and nods. You finally reach your floor and the two of you walk out to your door. As you pull out you enter your code on your door security system you here quietly say behind you , “Whenever you’re ready, just let me know.” At that you quickly push the door open, hand him his bag, take the beer and rush into the apartment.

“Y/nnnnnn! What took you soooo longggg,” Liv whines as you put everything down and try to hurry up and hand her a beer before she notices Youngbin hovering in your doorway. “Yeah I know I'm sorry. Here.” But as you try to han her the can of beer from the box she turns around makes instant eye contact with Youngbin.

“Oh, wait y/n is that Youngbin? Youngbin?”

She stumbles to get up and waves happily at Youngbin. He waves back and asks her how she’s been.

“So are you guys back together? Why didn't you tell me? I would've understood, but you didnt have to keep it from me.”

Before Youngbin could say anteing you immediately deny with a sharp “no” hand her, her beer and try to dismiss Youngbin. “Well he has to go now, I'm just gone send him off, say bye Liv.”

“Byeeee come back soon. Y/n still misses you by the way, you still have a chance. I’ve always rooted for you!”

You slam the door behind you, but he could already what she said. You see him smiling under his mask, just by looking at his eyes again.

“I see Liv is still, Liv.” “Yeah..” The two of you stand in front of your door for the longest time not saying anything, before he says “Well, I should get back.”

“Oh yeah, um.... thanks for the help.”

His eyes smile at you. He nods and turns around toward the elevator. A part of you wanted to ask what he meant by “let me know when you’re ready.” Before you could stop yourself you yelled his name and walked over to him.

“Yeah?”

You stop and stare at him studying what you could see of his face. “What did you mean?”

“By what?”

“When you mumbled let me know when you’re ready?”

He looks into your eyes and holds eye contact for a few seconds. By the time the elevator dings and the doors open he just says, “The voicemail will tell you.”

He steps into the elevator and turns to you and says, “Just let me know when you’re ready.” Then the doors close.

December 1st

You take a quick shower before getting ready and you jump in the car to finally meet your mom.

When you arrive at the shopping center, you call your mom to see what store she’s in. Not so ironically it was a store that you and Youngbin would go to all the time. One of his favorites.

You walked into the store and found yourself mom in the men’s clothing section of the store looking for clothes for your dad.

“Hey sweetie are you okay?”

“Yeah like I said just tired from work. Did dad want new clothes?”

She turns around to you with a jacket in hand to get your approval.

“Do you know your father asked me to get him a jacket. I looked up pictures of jackets from different stores to show and he didn’t like any of them. Not long after that, I see him looking up jackets to bye. I had to scold him right then and there. It already hard to buy gifts for him and he just has to make it harder on me.”

You just look at your mom, smile and shake your head, it sounds like something your father would do.

“So what do you think about this one?”

She holds a black windbreaker jacket, it seemed like it was perfect for your dad. “I thin he’d love it. It’s perfectly his style.”

Walking around and shopping with you mom was a good escape from your memories of a few days ago. Along with all the memories of your passed relationship from almost two years ago now.

You soon arrive at a cafe, find an area away from large groups of people and talk to your mom for a little bit. You order a latte and and a bacon grilled cheese sandwich. Your mom orders cranberry juice and a Caesar salad. She asks work, friends, and other things. Along with those things she mentions Youngbin, you guess she too realised its been a year since you broke up.

“I um....actually saw him the other day.” The minute you say this your mother stars at you, her eyes glazed with sorrow. She knew how much the break up affected you, its not that she pitied you because she knew you were strong. But she looked to make sure you were okay.

“Really? How?”

“I was drinking one night with Liv. Went to the convenience to get us some more beers and ran into him there. He helped me with my things and walked me home.”

“He was always sweet. Thats one thing that will never change.”

You nod. “You know that voicemail he left me, he asked me about it.”

Her eyes get wide and she raises her eyebrows, “Really? You still haven't listened to it right?”

“Yeah I haven't. When I told him that he just nodded and told me to let me know when I’m ready.”

“What does that mean?” Your mom expressed the frustration that you felt inside, stabbing her fork into her salad and eating some lettuce and cucumber.

“He just told me to listen to the voicemail and I’ll find out.”

You hug your mom and kiss her on the cheek once you helped her take all the gifts to your parents house. You see your father in passing to and give him. hug and a kiss. You wanted to stay to talk to your dad but you weren't really in the mood. Talking about Youngbin again, made you feel a lot of things you couldn't explain. Sad, frustrated, angry, insecure. All the feelings you felt when you first broke up came rushing back to you.

You came home and stripped yourself of your clothes immediately, walking to your bathroom and running water in the bath tub. You submerged yourself into the filling tub, and laid your head back against the cool tile. Suddenly a tear rolled down your cheek as you laid there, in the warmth of the tub. Normal crying was easy to let out, with sudden emotions, but pent up emotions, resulted in strained crying. Strained crying always had you slightly hyperventilating, with those repetitive gasps and a strained and pained throat. This was the type of cry you were going to have because of him, you knew it.

Pt. 2 Coming Soon!

#sf9 #sf9 fancfic #sf9 fantasy #sf9 reactions #sf9 imagines #sf9 scenarios #youngbin #youngbin fanfic #youngbin x reader #inseong #jaeyoon #dawon #zuho #rowoon #taeyang #hwiyoung #chani

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agentsoftie · 4 years

Text

Chasing Cars ( C.M )

summary: you have a full on mental breakdown and penelope is there when you have it. her being the expressive person she is tells everyone leading for emily to get mad, and you to understand some feelings

a/n: this is a whole thing. so prepare yourself. also thanks elle and @anepiphany for helping out with this one!

warnings: mental breakdown, swearing (a lot of it), angry emily, heartbreak, basically angst

pairing: hotch x (fem) reader : emily x (fem) reader : rossi (platonic) x reader

song: chasing cars

tagging: @thestrawberrygirl, @marshmallowtraver, @ghostly-angelic, @criminalmindsmoodrn, @yesimaunicorn

Remember to like and reblog!! And leave feedback!!

Today was not the day. Not the day to have fun, not the day to mess around, not the day to do anything, and yet here we were. Walking into the FBI, a place filled with bad things. And in that sense, enough horrible, terrible, and mortifying things to make an angel frown. This whole week was not going well for you. In fact, it was like your life just decided to turn on you when everything was going just your way. First, your dog died, then it was the 5th year anniversary of your brother’s tragic death. And not to mention your anxiety had been getting worse and worse ever since your best friends Emily’s death, and then resurrection. Oh and the fact that you’re 99% sure that the guy you love, hates you. Yeah, that doesn’t help your case either.

“You’re late.” You hear someone say in a very demeaning stern voice while you rush through the 2 glass doors that protect the outside world from all of the horrors. “Oh shit, sorry Hotch,” You murmur while quickly stumbling to your desk as if you were late for class. You spilt all your files on your desk and then plopped down in the chair as if it were nothing. You put down and debated on falling asleep, but then remembering that your boss would scold you more than he already has, and who would like that.

Penelope happened to be walking by your desk at this time. Everyone else was to busy to notice you, but she did. “Hey Y/N! Can you come with me real quick.” She said while tapping your desk. “What, I- yeah.” You say after jolting your head up and getting up. You followed her into her so-called “bat cave” until you asked why she called you in here. “So, why did you call me in here?” All she did was point to an extra chair and say sit, which you gladly did.

“You’ve been acting strange lately, almost like a different person. So spill.”

“Spill what?”

“Your feelings Y/N. Tell me everything. Because clearly no one cares enough to ask, except me of course. And it’s good to get your feeling out, no matter what they are. And that means I want you to lay everything on me. Make me your free therapist. Tell me all of your problems, all of them.”

You were trying to hold back your tears, you really were. “Penelope”' You said trying to catch your breath. “I just cant anymore. Everything is getting, so hard, and I just. I don’t know what to do. I can’t think straight anymore. And it’s like every day I’m failing, miserably. No matter how hard I try, or will ever try, Hotch will always resent me. I mean, he HATES me Penelope, HATES!! And you know what, I love him. I love it so much and he hates me and I just don’t know what to do. I try to be good enough for him, but everything I do is just, it’s not enough!”

At this point, you were balling. It was like a waterfall. “And did you know that my dog Honey dies 2 days ago? You didn’t do you. No one did! No one does! No pays and fucking attention to me, and I know that that’s pathetic but I am a human being too, I need attention and affection! And I understand that I shouldn’t get my personal life mixed up in work, but literally everyone fucking does it!! In some goddamn way, in some goddamn time, we’ve all fucking done it! But if I do it, I’m being a bad person, an attention seeker, a brat! I’m not a fucking brat Penelope! And you know what, I’m done with people treating me like a fucking doormat! Just because I smile people assume they can treat me like absolute garbage! LIke trash! And you know what! I don’t even know why I smile! I’m not fucking happy! I haven’t been happy for a while! You see this smile, ha, yeah its fucking fake. It’s all fucking fake! Ive gotten at a point where this stupid fucking smile is a reflex, I don’t want it to be a fucking reflex, Penelope!”

At this point, you didn’t even have full control over what you were saying. It was all just coming out, and you just couldn’t stop. “God and my best fucking friend died! Haha, and then she came fucking back like it was nothing! And of course, I didn’t say anything, but oh my fucking god! People just leave, and when they come back, they act like it's nothing. Did you know that today is the 5th year anniversary of my brother’s death? Yeah, this is why I’m late. BUt did Hotch give me a second to explain that I was at his grave, no, he fucking did-”

You were cut off by the door opening. “Hey! We heard some yelling here, is everything okay?” JJ says while looking at the mess that is you.

“Uh, yeah,” You say while wiping all the tears off your face. “We were, just um watching The Notebook, and well you know,”

“Oh okay,” She says in a sense of relief, “Also Y/N, everyone is asking for you to bring some coffee since we ran out of it here.”

“Uh, yeah okay.” You get up and leave like nothing just happened. Penelope was still processing everything you said so she was not paying attention to the fact that you were gone. You quickly grab your coat, purse, and keys and head out.

Penelope was still in shock due to everything that just happened. “Penelope, are you okay?” JJ asks.

“Yes, but no! But yes, ahh, okay. You know what, just get everyone in the briefing room.”

“We have a case? Shouldn’t we wait for Y/N to come back?”

“Yes, well no. God! Just get everyone in there, I have some very important news.”

“Babygirl, why are we here?” Derek says after everyone’s in the briefing room.

“Yeah Garcia, if this isn’t a case, you guys need to get back to work,” Hotch says.

“Oh but this is a case. A very severe one. How much time do we have?” she says while looking at the clock, “Okay 12 minutes should be enough.”

“Enough for what?” Spencer asked, trying to understand what was going on.

“Hush my sweet child let me talk. Uh, okay how does one do this?”

“Do what?” Emily yells.

“Let me think Emily! Okay, our dear friend and teammate Y/N, has been going through some shit and you guys, we, us, are not helping. The poor girl goes through shit every day and we don’t see a thing. Some profilers you all are. And I mean Emily, you’re her best friend! You should have known this!”

“Babygirl calm down. Why are you getting so mad?” Derek asks.

“I’m not mad! Well, I am, but you guys are not seeing the main point here! We’ve all been treating this poor helpless innocent girl like crap! And she can’t even go to her boss because he hates her!”

“I don’t hate Y/N!” Hotch yells trying to defend himself.

“You kinda do Hotch,” Spencer says, causing Hotch to give him a death wish.

“You guys!! I’m scared of her! She needs us! Her dog died yesterday and her brother's death anniversary is today! She’s hurting and we’re making her get coffee for god sakes!! And speaking of coffee, she’s most likely getting out of her car right now, so everyone acts normal, but not. Now scatter!” Penelope says while urging her hands. And with that everyone was out.

Everyone went back to their offices except for Rossi, he went into Hotch’s office. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Hotch yells at him. “Because that’s something for you to tell everyone. That’s something you tell her Aaron! You’re gonna have to accept the fact that you feel this was sooner or later, and I’m hoping sooner. And when you do, you’re going to have to tell her. And then apologize for all the shit you’ve done to her, and then if she wants, comfort her. And with that, she’s here. So for god sakes tell her.”

“But what if she says the opposite?” Hotch asks while Rossi is halfway out the door.

“You deal with it, and move on,”

“Here you all go!” You say while walking up to them. “One hot chocolate for Spencer. An iced coffee for miss Garcia and Jareau. One pumpkin spice latte for Mr. Clean, and a-” You were cut off by a very mad Emily. “Y/N we need to talk. Privately.” You couldn't tell why she was mad, but she was definitely pissed about something. Honestly everyone was off but you just couldn't tell why.

You both walked into the briefing room and before you could say anything she yelled at you, well not yell, but expressed loudly. “Why!” She asked. You were confused, as anyone would be. “What?” You answered not understanding anything. “Why did you tell everything to Garcia! Am I not good enough for you! Am I not your friend anymore? Because I swear Y/N if that's the case then I don't know why I even came back.Because you what, when i\I came back I thought that you out of everyone would trust me.”

“Oh really! Emily, you left! You were gone! And didn’t even bother to tell me, your best fucking friend!!”

“Okay, you know what Y/N, yes I was gone! But I did for my safety! I did it four all of our safety!”

“Emily, we could have helped you! You didnt have to go halfway around the fucking world!”

“No Y/N you don't understand, and never will!! But you what, all that time that I was in France I couldn't stop thinking about you! About what you were doing! About how you were! And you know what I still feel that way! I want to be with you! You’re my best fucking friend! But you don't tell me SHIT!! WHY!! You're gonna tell Penelope but no me!! Me!! And Penelope out of all people!! Y/N if you’re hurting you should have come to me!! I've been through this!! I am going through this!!”

“Why cant you realize that you can fucking come to me!!! I mean did do something fuking wrong?! Y/N, I'm asking you. “ You didn’t answer, how were you supposed to. You were still taking everything in and honestly none of it made sense. Was she mad, was she concerned. All you could tell was that there were tears running down your face and you didn't know how to stop it. You tried to breathe but you just couldn’t. “Y/N! God, whatever. Just know that you probably hate me right now, but I'll always be there for you.”

And with that she was out. She walked out of the room without looking back, or maybe she did, you just didn't see. This was too complicated for you to understand. Ha, and you were a profiler for god sakes. You wanted to run out but before you could you heard the door open. You didn’t look up because you were too ashamed to face Emily with all the tears running down your face. But suddenly you felt an arm on your shoulder. You turned around to see that shadow of a tall man that glared over you.

“Hotch?” You asked quietly. “Y/N,” he said looking down at you. You still hadn’t faced him in the eye. You couldn't, you were a mess and you couldn't let him of all people see you like this. Although when you think about it, if you like him, shouldn't he see you like this. You being the real, true, authentic Y/N. “Hotch, I, can explain.” You say while snifiling, his hands still on you. “No, let me explain.”

“Ever since the day you came here, I’ve been a terrible friend, boss, and all around human being. I’ve treated you like a child, and you're not one. You’re an exceptional agent and I'm so proud and grateful to have you on my team. And the fact that i keep making your life probably miserable, yeah, ha, im so fucking sorry Y/N. It’s just that, I'm scared. Scared of truly accepting my feelings of you. After Haley, I just can’t risk it. And that means I cant have feelings for you.”

“So, I thought that if I treated you worse then I wouldn't feel for you, but I was wrong. You are an amazing, brilliant, gorgeous woman who I just can't not not. The way you act with Jack just, it just makes me wanna marry you! But I was too scared to tell you. And I regret that everyday. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you and that I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

Did your boss, Hotch, just say that he loves you. Were you dreaming, was this real? Did you love him back? Of course, I mean you've been pining over him since you came to the BAU, right. He stopped talking for a few seconds, but then he did something unspeakable. He kissed you. And it was in this moment, when you truly realized. You didn’t love Aaron Hotchner. You loved someone else. Have you ever even loved him? You didn’t know. Maybe, the only reason you liked him was because he, well, there was something about him. But we will never know, or at least for now that is.

You pulled away after realizing that you weren’t kissing back. He didn’t seem to notice that small detail. “Hotch, no I can't.” You mutter while looking at him. “What do you mean?” He says confused. “I mean, you can't waltz in here saying that you love me and you’re sorry for the way you treated me and expect everything to be fine. Everything you did, everything you said, all those time and days, yeah they hurt. And you just can't say those 3 words and expect everything to be okay!” You hadn't realized it, but his hands weren't on you anymore, instead they were slowly retracting from you.

“That’s not how this works okay, you really hurt me. And I loved you. If you told me that you had any interest in me in a non-planonical way. I would have said yes. But instead you chose to hurt me and I can’t really forgive you for that.”

“Y/N I… I understand, I'm sorry. I truly am, I hope you can forgive me.” He says while in shock.

“I hope I can too Hotch.” And then suddenly you were out the door. Running down the stairs as if your life depended on it. “Where are you going!” Hotch yelled from the door of the briefing room. “Somewhere over the rainbow!” You said while quickly grabbing your coat from your desk. You realized that she would most likely be getting in her car right now since she wasn't at her desk. So with that knowledge, you sprinted down the stairs since you thought it would be faster, it wasn't.

And look, there she was. Right by her car trying to find the key to unlock it. “Emily!” You yelled while running over to her as fast as your now jelly legs could carry you. “Emily, wait up!!” She heard you this time and looked up to see you running over to her. “Y/N, is everything okay?” She was cut off with a kiss. A soft, tender, sweet kiss, right on the lips. It wasn't too big, but it was big enough. You pulled apart when you realized she wasn't kissing back.

“Y/N I-”

“No, wait, let me. Emily it took me so long to finally understand. Understand that it was you along. You were always there for me when I needed you the most, and I was stupid for not telling you, or realizing. You’re the one who’s opinion I care about the most, not Hotch! You’re the one i wanna see first when i get hurt, not Hotch! You’re the one I wanna see every morning I wake up, not Hotch!! I wanna be with you Em. Because you make me happy like that. You make me wanna be a better person everyday and I need that in my life! I need you in my fucking life Emily! And so I love you! I love you! I fucking love you Emily!”

“Y/N I- what are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I love you! I love you so much! I love you the way Romeo loved Juliet and the way the sun loves the moon!”

“Y/N, I love you too. But not in that way. Um, I'm dating JJ.”

Your heart dropped. You couldn't breathe. All the air was still there, but you couldn't take any of it in without dying. Was this real. For how long? Was it really too late? Why would this happen? Was everything not enough? After everything you had been through, did you really need this. And why did it have to be this? Why couldn't you just be happy for once? Just once!

“Oh,” You say not sure what to say. “That’s um, that's great Em. I’m really happy for you.” And with that, you started heading to the building. “Y/N wait!” She yelled. You just turned around and smiled a half assed smile, but she didn't have to know that. She probably did. How could you have not known. I mean you were a profile for god sakes! That was your job! This is what you do and you can’t even figure shit like this out!

You walked with a moping look and the personality of a dead person. You kept your head down as you dragged your legs up into the BAU. Keeping your head down fearing from someone who might accidentally see your waterfall of tears. You made your way up into the only place where you knew you could go for a hug and comfort. Well, besides the batcave. Rossi’s office. The door was open so you made your way in and immediately shut it causing him to look up in fright.

“Y/N you scared me. Are you okay?” He said while getting up as a reaction of seeing your crying face.

“No Rossi, I'm not.” You say while snifiling. He sat you down on his couch and placed a blanket over you. “What happened my dolce colomba?” The tears started spilling again when you told him everything. You couldn't help but not to. It was impossible. “My sweet sweet child, this looks hard. This is hard. But I want you to always know that I am always gonna be here for you. No matter what. I love you. We all love you.”

“Rossi, what do I do?”

“You just live. Try and see the good in every moment. For instance right now, youre talking with me instead of working on some boring paperwork so think about that. Think about your brother and all the memories you shared. But for now, just live because before you know it all of this will be over and you'll wonder where everything went. So no matter how just live in the moment. Even if it's hard, do it.”

“Living is hard.”

“I know mia dolce colomba, I know. But we do it anyway, It is not like we have a choice. But just alway rember that I will always be here for you. So if you ever wanna go chasing cars, make sure to call me.”

#criminal minds #emily prentiss #spencer reid #jennifer jareau #reader insert #aaron hotchner #david rossi #mira writes #penelope garcia

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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I was hit in the head with a brick today.

Its Monday, October 18th, 11:30. Jacob didnt show, he had a busy day, so I invited my bestie Elle over and she came at around 6pm and we hung out and baked brownies. It was fun, but our brownies didn't rise cos we neglected to add baking powder. I walked them to their bus stop in the dark... I was tbh worried they would die or soemthing... in the area I live recently theres been a murder and a few rapes of young kids happening when it got dark. But in the end I left them there and headed home, and they got home safe so it turned out good. I got monster for us at around 5pm but she didnt drink hers, so I have an extra for tommorow >:D they're the strawberry lemonade rehab kind, so they're 25cals each, which isnt bad at all. I had a lot of anxiety while I was waiting for Jacob to come over... I guess because I was uncertain about how the day was going to pan out. But it improved significantly after I confirmed Elle was coming over... proabably becos I knew for certain that SOMEONE was gonna hang out w me.

See? Even days that start off depressing, with you smoking alone in the cold, can end up happy. I think the therapy session at 4pm improved my mood quite a bit though... it felt like I was hit in the head with a brick... but in a positive sense of the phrase. I I soemthing important.

You see, for as long as I've felt pain about my past, I've had this self doubt. This feeling that I was making up my pain, that I was delusional, that I was insane, that nothing bad ever happened, that if it did, I should just get over it and let the past be the past.

The thing is, obviously stuff MUST'VE happened, if even today I cry to mention it. So my feelings were validated in a sense. I realized that how I feel is valid, and REAL, and it's okay to feel this way even if everyone else has moved on. Even if those events are in the past, they still hurt me, so it DOES matter!!!

It doesnt even matter who's fault it was. I can stop worrying about that. No matter who caused it, it's my responsiblity to do work to fix it. And really,,, my parents didnt do that on purpose.

So now I just need to let go of my emotional pain!!! And stop mourning!!! And I feel like I can do that, now that I KNOW how i feel is okay!!! Sorry for the excitement. I'm just optimistic. I'm happy and i could cry from happiness to have the life I have right now. I have such a happy life on a beautiful earth with lovely music and good kind friends who care about me and like... I have a therapist??? My parents got me a therapist??? It's like people are FINALLY listening to me,,, and I dont really feel as much need to cover up my obvious illness/issues.

It was very validating to me. The therapist asked questions, which I answered as honestly and clearly as I possible could... I even mentioned my past shoplifting and current nicotine addiction, because she said the stuff there stays there.

But the most validating part is... well, I've ALWAYS felt that the way I felt emotion was not... right. Too strong, too wild, too... inappropriate. This, added on to my anger issues as a child and later, my constant grief over my past... compared to others, I mean. I always felt SOMETHING was wrong with me. I could never really quite put a finger on it. But then the therapist,,, listened to what I had to say regarding that... and after the whole session, decided that she wanted to assess me for 1 thing (ofc she didnt tell me and I didnt ask, probably because i didnt want to go into the assessment with bias of any kind) but she wants to assess me for something, discuss the results of the test, and then send me to a PHYSICIAN, like a DOCTOR, like a DOCTOR like who usually deals with PHYSICAL illness??? The word she used was "pediatrician"... but I'm a teenager LOL, not a child (the prefix pedo,pedia, means "child", for example, a PEDOphile is a child-lover... so a pediatrician is a doctor who treats children... I get what she means, but I really dont see myself as a child anymore 😅)

Anwyays, she said she wanted to send me over to like a DOCTOR to discuss this... this feeling that something was wrong with me.

This means... THIS MEANS IM BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!!! finally, someone who doesnt dismiss my ABNORMAL emotions and grief as "teenage hormones" or something of the like. I just. I'm happy that finally, people are listening to me! And taking me seriously! And caring about what I have to say regarding my feelings! And I can talk a bit more freely about this shit :) it's nice. I mean, I obviously havent reached the level of 100 PERCENT HONESTY with my parents, but I can at least still say more than I used to...

It's all falling into place yknow? I'm happy I didnt kill myself. I'm happy I pushed through to get to this moment.

I'm listening to my old vocaloid faves, and I think that's also helping boost my mood.

this, combined with the fact that I didnt grossly overeat today, makes for a pretty good day!

My therapist also said

1. Write about my grief... a letter to my parents. What I wish they would've done. And then tear up the paper and throw it out, or burn it up. I said that I'd done that already, but i felt like I could never say everything I needed to say, or even AGREE on the FACTS of the shit I was saying! But like... now I can sorta agree on the facts, since I know how I feel is valid and not fake. It's real! And I know now that if I need, I can write it out more than once!!! If I forget something, I can just write it out in addition, separately. And even if it helps me feel a LITTLE bit better, its better than nothing.

It's so easy to hold onto negative feelings. It's very hard to view things positively, or with happiness... like, okay. Happiness is clear, potable water. Sadness is dirty, gross water. Even a little bit of dirty, gross water mixed in with the clear, potable water, will spoil it all.

When you have clear water, it's easier to make it dirty than it is to make dirty water clean.

It's easier to ruin a good mood than it is to lift a bad mood, basically. So when discussing SAD things, it's hard to frame them positively, and once you start crying from sadness, it's very hard to stop crying and feeling that sadness and that PHYSICAL pain in you.

A good thing I can do is think of things I like about myself (I am adaptable and can adapt to almost any given situation, I am stylish and dress cool, I am able to face my fears (social interaction, Allioli our gecko, birds, heights) and things I'm grateful for (I live in a safe place with no war and clean water and I have food in my house and I have clothes in my closet and I have a computer and a phone and two dogs and a best friend and a few good friends actually) see? It forces your mind to, instead of looking for more bad, look for some good. Idk tho. I'm trying. I'm trying everything, because this is mostly up to me. If I really wanted to, I could ignore the therapists advice and keep being sad... but that wouldnt help me heal. Healing is hard. Healing is as much (if not more) my responsibly than anyone else's.

If I want to get better, I have to at least TRY.

One more thing... one thing that I found most helpful, more than just listing positive things, was breathing in, holding it... and then when you breathe out, making a sound to let your frustration out. And after doing this quite a bit, it feels silly, like, it feels stupid, right? So you kinda start laughing.

The best remedy to sadness is laughter, and not that sick kind of laughter you get when you realize how absurdly sad and pathetic you are... I mean REAL laughter, when something is genuinely, not ironically or post ironically but GENUINELY funny.

Maybe that should inspire my next MTG card (for art class I am painting MTG cards).

Anwyays, after that, you just, wave your arms around, wave your head around, jump even, just AAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAA GO STUPID. let it out.

That reminded me of back when I used to have more energy more often, I would put on music and DANCE in the dark at night like a crazy person and put on musicals and shit. It is a good thing to get energy into you and get it out.

I sound. so fucking stupid right now. I'm sorry guys... I dont really feel normal right now. I'm happy for the first time in maybe a whole week, like really happy in a way that I know won't end until at least morning. And I'm not used to it. And it's making me act stupid and optimistic and dumb and like a little kid. I just feel good about this whole thing. The idea of talking to a DOCTOR, getting my dad to take me to a DOCTOR, is FUCKING SCARY but... it's a sign that I'm being taken seriously.

Soemtimes I say the wrong thing, or dont oxmmhnicate accurately. But overall it was chill, even though I couldnt really accurately communicate my level of suicidality, I'm pretty sure saying "soemtimes I want to do it but I never will and I know that feelings are temporary" is kinda the same as saying "I dont want to do it", right? Either way, I'm not about to risk having my parents told that I'm suicidal over some little communication like that. We get the IDEA. Lol.

I did sort of attempt suicide once, but I didnt go through all the way with it. I downed maybe 4-6 pills? I did take over the amount I should've, and I got a horrible stomachache (probably my liver since it was advil) but I didnt die, go to hospital, or get any sort of damage. So I think i stopped just in time to prevent real damage. I think if I had even take one more advil, I wouldve been in hospital, just because of the pain I was in. And I read online that the way you die from it is extremely painful, can take weeks, doesnt work half the time and leave you alive, but with permanent liver failure/damage and like... it just didnt seem like a good method, so I stopped.

I honestly cant even fucking believe I even considered suicide over an argument with my mom. Jesus.

See, I can't handle adults angry at me. Even in the slightest.

The mourning and grief is insane, dude.

.... maybe I WILL get that stupid doll.

No... my parents cant afford it. But if they could, maybe I'd get it. Because that stupid BOY doll is very much a partial embodiment of the things that made me upset as a child.

Shit, now I'm remembering my teacher was mad at me for wearing headphones in class and listening to music and said to take em off kinda sternly and i legit broke down crying. Wow. See? The GRIEF... I downplay it because it feels stupid to me. I was never beat or anything. So why be upset? But it's there, the pain is there. That pain is... this whole blog. "Jude" and "Jesse" and "Owen" and "Father" and all that shit.... the drawing of a child being eaten by Jesus... the deer in the forest, that's all that pain... me trying to deal with it.

I just dont get why it hurt me so bad if it was, realistically, such a small slight. I think that its some intersection of the reaosn I'm going to the doctors, and my parents shortcoming... which I DONT blame them for! I was their first child, and I came out fucked up. What were they suppsoed to do? they didnt know better.

Soemtimes it feels like it wasnt fair. Like, maybe I DESERVED parents and teachers who DID know better. I was just a child. It hurt me really badly. I ditched classes to cry in junior high.

But that's me being mean. Sure, every kid deserves the best they can get... but this is the best I could get. Simple. It's still good! I have lots of things I'm thankful for. Life cant be perfect. And I have to be thankful for my pain. It makes me a man. Ariel said that pain and discomfort makes you stronger, shapes you. Any kind of discomfort is good for the person to grow strong. I think this is especially applicable, as a boy becoming a man. You need pain, discomfort, anxiety... to become strong man. So in a sense, I am thankful for my pain, because really, what would I be without it? Another annoying blond hockey boy named Hayden or Brody or Reid... no thank you.

Man this is so cringe. I really just pulled the "not like other boys" card huh.

I'm just trying to cope, okay? It's a crazy amount of pain. I might go to the doctors!!! Soemthing is wrong. I think that's the best news I've heard all week. Soemone else believes me that somethings wrong. An adult!!!

It's really something else to be able to cry in front of adults without being guilt tripped or yelled at or getting in trouble of some sort.

I'm gonna cry for my past self now. All this talk of him, I cant help myself but cry. He was ripped apart. That child, he was destroyed.

....

I feel guilty saying that knowing that I read an article where this kid was SEVERELY abused... I saw the pictures of this kid... in the cold, shackled, beaten, starved, held in stress positions, verbally abused, made to do horrible things, splinters in his lips... I feel bad saying that I had it bad when there are kids who are actually beaten and shit. Man. I'm so cringe. Im so terrible I should kill myself. Im a fucking faggot. Jesus.

.... but I wouldnt say that to my friend.

............ idk. Idk anything.

Well... I FELT destroyed, let's just say that. I FELT defeated.

But I wasn't >:)

Idk where I'm going with this... peace out yall. I love yall, I'm bout to sleep and cry.

#Spotify #SoundCloud

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adramaticbeauty · 3 years

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Dragons and Fireflies

Waitttt! If you havent read the previous chapters I wouldnt advise reading this. Here's the link for the rest of the chapters if you need to go back. https://my.w.tt/gYNayRx9rcb

Since the ones on my tumblr...are forever lost now😔 Anyway those who read it please enjoy!

Chapter 7: Buried Memories

"Juvia is so sorry, Anna~sama. She never thought things would turn out so...complicated."

All Anna could do was carress her temples in order to calm herself down. After all she was getting older, and she couldn't let such things stress her out anymore. Unless she wanted an early grave dug of course.

" It's quite alright Juvia. It isnt as big of a deal as it seems."

Juvia couldnt help but breathe a sigh of relief at her reassuring comment. She would never forgive herself if she ever endangered the bands success with her selfishness.

"Oh thank goodness-"

"If you clean up the mess you made."

Juvia's heart stopped as she held her breath. As she took in her words silently, a million questions popped into her head. That she was too afraid to hear the answer to. What on earth did she mean by that? And the bigger question was how could she possibly even fix this mess? Anna's eyes softened as she met Juvia's worried ones.

"We need to figure out how the public would take this whole misunderstanding first and then address the situation publicly. Thats the smartest thing to do at this moment. Until then I will discuss the predicament with the Dragonflies manager."

As Juvia listened for the click of her door, she could finally breathe a sigh of relief. She had known when she had seen the photo in the paper, things would get bad. But she never thought this bad. And now the world was convinced Gray Fullbuster from the popular band 'Dragonflies' was her secret lover.

It was even worse they were competitors, both fighting for the top spot of best band. Why did she do it? Get involved with Gray Fullbuster? Her reasons were something personal to her, close to her heart that was from the past that she so desired to forget. It wasnt his looks or anything, although she couldnt deny his attractiveness.

She knew the rumors were true, after all she had seen for her own eyes the damage he could do to a woman. And she wouldnt be one of those who was affected by his charms. She refused to. She was the one who was going to teach him how women were to be treated, and not as playthings.

She was going to do it...for her. But she messed things up because of her anger, and now look at what happened. Her head was pounding with past emotions steadily creeping back from their place pushed deep down in her heart. It made her clench her fists in irritation and helplessness. Maybe she hadnt changed from all those years ago. The nightmares also flooded back to her, making her freeze in her own body. She shook in frustration with herself.

Did she even change at all? No, she wasnt that naive girl from years ago anymore, and she would never be again. Too much had happened for that. She never thought this would go so far, and affect her friends though. Her bandmates meant the world to her, and she would never hurt them purposely. After all, they saved her from her wretched life, after she had fallen so deep into despair. Gajeel...

She felt tears well up in her eyes before she couldnt help but scowl at her emotions getting the best of her once again. She chuckled dryly. She never was one for hiding her emotions, and her faces always told the world how she felt. She despised that with her entire being.

Although with Gray, it was easy to hide them, and she doubted he cared about them anyway. Thats why he was so easy to manipulate at the time. Its not like Juvia wasnt worried about her image at all. In fact it was probably tainted just by even being seen with that womanizer.

Her image in the band was supposed to be the innocent but sexy one, and men went crazy over it. Her merchandise being the most bought out in stores. She remembered when Lucy made a fuss about it, chastising Anna of giving her the wrong image for the band

And Juvia couldn't help but muffle her laughs with her hand in the background.

Her heart warmed at the memory and it made her clutch at her heart thinking of losing that small happiness. They were just taking off and already making merchandise, because Anna was sure that they would become a success fast. Juvia couldnt help but wonder that maybe Anna had made the wrong choice letting her into Fireflies.

"Juvia? Juvia! I have been calling your name for 5 minutes now!" She jumped at the sudden noise and swung her head up. She thought she had locked the door.

"Ahh Levy-san. What do you need?" Juvia asked exasperated.

She tried to wipe her stray tears quickly, turning her face in embarrassment. She hadn't even noticed she had cried. Levy did nothing but stare at her for a minute, before walking over and plopping down on the couch right beside her.

" You know, the girls are really not upset or anything. If thats what...you're crying about?"

Juvia looked into her cocoa irises and Levy met hers. They were full of worry.

"Honestly Juvia is fine. She just...regrets causing you guys so much trouble." Juvia tried to put on a smile but it came out as an obvious grimace.

"You really didnt. After all anyone who doesnt know that females have sexual needs too, know now."

"Huh???"

"Sexual needs? I read it in a reproduction book too. Apparently women have the most urge for it during pregnancy. Wait could this be-"

"Oh nooo Levy-san, this incident has nothing to do with...that."

"Oh. So not at all? You didnt...do anything?"

"Heavens no. Im not that kind of girl." Juvia gave her a reassuring smile, while Levy wiped her brow in relief.

"Cana lost 50 bucks today." She smiled staring a little too hard at her lap.

" What do you mean Levy-san?" She was beginning to feel suspicious.

"Well umm..."

"Levy..."

" Alright, alright! The girls made a bet about if you slept with Gray or not. Of course I bet that you didnt, but Cana got into my head and made me think things...something about girls needing devouring too. So I read up on it and..."

Juvia stared in disbelief as Levy squirmed under her gaze. A giggled echoed throughout the room, making Levy jump in surprise.

" Of course she did! Cana-san is always talking about things like that."

When Levy saw the laughter wasnt of anger or irritation, she laughed along too.

" Yeah, and Lucy chastised her for even thinking of you being so careless. She said' Juvia would only do dirty things like that when she's married.' "Levy took a breath before she continued.

" And then Cana said 'Listen hunny, if you have a good sex life, all the worries go away. Thats why I have no gray hair yet and ole Lucy does.' "Levy couldnt help but chuckle at her own impersonation of Cana.

Juvia laughed at her words. She wished she would have been there to hear the rest but she had been stuck in her room, hiding for at least two days. Levy placed a small pale hand on hers.

" Dont hide from us, ok Juvia? We miss you." She then gave her a tight squeeze, wrapping her arms around Juvia's whole body.

Juvia sat there, stiff as a board but she hugged her back silently. She allowed some tears to slip down now. After all this was a special moment. She had forgotten her friends were such kind souls, and they would be accepting of just about everyone. That didnt mean Juvia could just accept herself whole-heartedly though.

She would always be dirty in her own eyes. As she waved goodbye to Levy and she heard the click of her door, she laid back and stared at the white of her ceiling. What did Anna mean 'clean up her mess'? And what would that entail?

#gruvia #gray fullbuster #fairytail #levy mcgarden #juvia loxar #fanfics

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is-that-another-soulmate-au · 4 years

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Zukka Soulmate AU part 9

@mypureessence

@chaoticidiott

@ari-shipping-stuff

@knightedbot

@idkhowbutimgayer

@swampy-beans

@angrylittleintrovert

Kurt was only out for about 15 minutes but that was long enough for Tarren and Fin to get him to the back on one of the spare cots. The gaang besides Iroh and Jee stayed to see how things went down, all gathered in the room reading maps and planning their trip while Lily paced back and forth muttering to herself before she threw her hands in the air

"Why wouldnt he tell us!?" She shouted

"I dont know Lily" Tarren said while he dabbed a cold towel on Kurt's forhead

"I mean, he could see the scars the three of us share! Why... why wouldnt he say anything!?"

"I'm sure he had a good reason Lily, I mean, how did you guys even know you had a third soulmate?" Katara asked with a small tilt to her head.

The duo both placed their hands to their chests instinctively. "Well, we didn't always know, but one day we both collapsed in the middle of a shift,"

[Flashback when? Flashback now!]

"Of course Miss Jin, Grey with honey and two sugars at 3 pm sharp just like every other Friday" Lily smiled while handing the girl her cup of tea she made for her at the exact same time every single friday evening. Jin was a favorite.

"How are you and Tarren?" Jin asked with a smile which made Lily blush

"Hah. We're doing alr-" suddenly Lily lost her breath from a blunt pain in her chest. "Tarren" she wheeled out just before letting out a yelp and clutching her chest "Tarren!"

"Lily!" Tarren's voice called out from the other sid of the Library followed by the sound of scrolls falling to the ground

The two scrambled to eachother with Jin following Lily and Fin rushing out from the back with paperwork to see what was happening. The pair crashed into eachother and held onto the others arms "what happened?" Lily cried out "whats going on. It burns, oh Gods it burns Tarren"

"I- I dont know" Tarren when to unclip his uniform, shucking off the top shirt before ripping the underdress to reveal painful bubbling skin in the shape of a hand and spreading across his chest and up to his neck down past where he managed to rip down to.

"There's a third" Jin said with a gasp

"Whoever they are theyre in trouble" Fin said bluntly while turning to Jin "Jin do you mind running to get the medic? I have to stay with them and they can't move" he gestured to their shivering crying forms.

"Are they dying?" Lily managed to wheeze out between sobs of pain

"No, this isnt direct, its just an- oh right" he nearly forgot that Lily watched her parents killed in a similar way "Lily, trust me, the third in the trio is not dying, they're being hurt, but they aren't dying"

Lily nodded, the pain lasted for a good 20 minutes before slowly dying down and feeling like it was being treated on all ends.

[Flashback over]

Katara gave a small frown "I wonder what happened to him"

"Ill tell you if you help me sit up" Kurt said with a small cough. Sokka who had been sitting near him but was lost in a map with Zuko looked up

"Oh, the munchkin awakens!"

"The... what?" Kurt laughed out

"Ignore him, he's stupid sometimes" Katara said as she helped Kurt sit up and put a pillow behind his back. "How did you get burned if you dont mind me asking?

Kurt gave a sigh and looked to Sokka and Zuko "well, honestly its probably a similar story to mr princey over there"

Zuko tensed "how do you know who I am... and you don't know how I got this"

"I do" Aang said with his hand raised "well, kinda, I think it was your da- mphf!" Zuko shut Aang up with his hands on his mouth

"Shut up, now is not about me or how I got my scar, its about short stack over there"

"Shortstack!? Okay, now that was just rude. But I got this burn from my dad, he wasn't great and had no position to even justify his abuse against me and my mom." He brought his hand to his necklace with a small frown

"He caught me hanging out by a small pond with an earth boy named Haru and was convinced I was a traitor for doing so. He lectured be when he got me home by slamming me against the door and burning me"

he looked up to Tarren and Lily "I didn't tell you, and I always hid my scar because I'm scared hes going to find me again, after he left for the war my mom fell ill and died, so I ran away to my Pappy and he's sick right now so I don't know how long I have with his protection." He gave a sigh "I dont want him to find me and know that you two are my soulmates because he'll hurt you to get to me. And I cant let you get hurt..."

Lily put her hand on her chest with a frown "I'm sorry Kurt, I had no idea. But now that we know I hope you understand we won't let anyone hurt you or us."

"And that includes me" Fin said from the doorway "you've got two master earthbenders and a vigilante assassin on your side now"

"Woah, woah, vigilante assassin?" Toph piped up "Lily is an assassin!? That's so cool!" She marched right up to her and jabbed her finger in her direction "I dont know you too much but I do know that I like you!"

Lily flushed a bright red and rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly "hah, thanks? Wait are you a beifong?"

"Sure am!"

"I didnt know the beifongs had a daughter, let alone a daughter teaching the avatar earthbending" Lily said with a smile

"Yeah, well they didn't think I was strong enough because I cant read" Toph gave a shrug

"I could teach you sometime" Lily offered

"Im blind missy" Toph said with a cackle

"I know" Lily giggled "We have Braille books, I can teach you to read braille if you want to"

"Braille?"

"Instead of ink on the pages there are raised dots in patterns to make the letters, numbers and words, Fin and his wife managed to invent it ten years ago because Fin's best friend is blind and he wanted to send him letters, but it isn't too popular yet sadly"

Toph stood there for a moment before saying anything "wait... are you telling me there's a way I can read?"

"Yeah! Its more commonly on paper but Tarren and Fin use earthbending to write it out much faster on stone tablets, its much less wasteful. But for nonbenders like myself thats not really an option, so I write with the paper and the pressing tools."

Sokka piped into the conversation with a quick jump to his feet "can you teach me too? I want to know how to write in a way that she can read" he had a determined look on his face and sound in his voice that caught everyone off guard

"I... didnt realize you cared?" Katara said with a confused look

"Of course I care Katara! I probably care too much sometimes, I care about every single one of you," he looked around "did... did you really think I didnt care?"

Aang looked at Katara and then at Sokka "she probably only thought that because you show care differently than her, I know you care, I mean you've managed to keep us all together and solve our problems, youre a uh... solve it kinda care... if thats a type"

Everyone looked at Aang befote Lily gave a small laugh "you sound like Fin, he's really caring for sure but you have to understand him to notice his love language." Lily paused "but teaching you both will take a while, even just teaching Toph here, who I assume has never been taught anything about letters and words on pages. I'm guessing you lot are traveling to stop the war?"

"You bet!" Aang said with a cheeky grin

"Well you could easily travel with them and teach them all, you and Tarren both" Kurt suggested

"Im not going anywhere without you" Lily said whil jabbing a finger towards him and leaning down close to him "I promised to protect you, and I will"

"Then how about you all come with us! We can all learn braille! I mean I'm already teaching Aang waterbending, Toph is teaching Aang earthbending. And hopefully Zuko and Iroh will teach him firebending so a new writing language should be good for all of us!" Katara said with excitement clear in her voice

It only took a bit of convincing to have Kurt join but it took a good 20 minutes worth of convincing Fin to let Tarren and Lily travel around while Fin ran the library with the help of Jin who stepped up to take over the pairs roles in the library.

But before leaving Lily showed Sokka the braille pressing tools so he could get a quick idea of the way they worked before packing up a good amount of paper and tools so she could teach them. On the road. Tarren would help Toph with hers for stone given they're both earthbenders.

Once they started packing up their own belongings Toph walked into Lily's room with a small knock "hey, you almost ready petty steps?"

"Pretty steps? Uh, yeah I just have to find a good place to put this" she moved her hand a bit with a wooden mask facing up

"What is that?"

"Its my assassin mask, its got a white base, think warm wind. Two black marks, think of cold night ponds stretching from the side tips of her nose, above the brow bone and getting much thicker before going up and becoming two horns. The eye holes and the lips are both dark red, think of the warmth of a summer evening sunset."

Toph stood in the doorway "I didnt need the description but that kind of makes colors interesting"

"Really?"

"No"

The two laughed at the bluntness but then Lily shrugged "I guess your right, I didnt need to describe it, but I wanted to anyways" she held the mask for a second before packing it away "it's from my sisters favorite spirit fable. 'Lady of the sunset pond' she had my mama read it to us every night" Lily reached to her necklace and held the roght ash stone.

"Sounds like they hold a special place to you"

"Yeah, they do"

"What happened to them?" Toph asked while leaning against the wall

"We don't have the time to unwrap another story today" Lily gave a small laugh while she set her bag down "besides I need to change before we go, can't leave in a work uniform you know, not really meant for traveling" she moved towards Toph and gave a small bow "thank you for accepting to learn braille from me"

Toph smiled shortly but then punched Lily's arm earning a confused 'ow' to which she responded "thats how I show affection"

"Ah, thats an interesting way to show it" Lily laughed "now I best be getting changed, mind stepping out? I know you see with earthbending, I've seen Tarren train without sight before so I can recognize it"

Toph laughed and stepped out "whatever Pretty steps"

Once everyone was changed and packed they all let on loading up Appa and preparing to fly to the next place. The ragtag group of 4 traumatized kids was suddenly a ragtag group of 8 traumatized kids and 2 wise old men traveling on a flying bison with a small mischievous lemur. What a busy two days huh?

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delicatestarfishzombie · 3 years

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Entry one....

Dearest diary,

Today I worked a 8 hour shift depressed,

I wanted to cry and release the giant knot in my throat all day. One of my closest friends told me they dont want me in there life anymore, that I make them question their self worth. Honestly it's hard to believe that I would even have that much influence on anyone. She was really uncaring and unkind with how she needed things and I reacted poorly since she has been not including me in the friend circle, avoiding me and ignoring me for almost an entire year. She brought up the fact that I didnt come to her son's baby shower four years ago and somehow is still hurt over it. I had gone through a sexual assult a few months prior and was experiencing sever effects of the trauma so I didnt attend. I dont know how she can hold onto this for four year and not say a word about it, in the beginning of our friendship I had lost my mom to an overdose and was having a hard time coping with grief and struggling in my relationship at the time, she completely ghosted me when I needed her the most... I forgave her after it got brought up years later when we finally reconnected.

I was still sending her messages every three weeks to her and our group that I was thinking of them and I loved them in Hope's that everything would smooth over after she intentionally didnt invite me to things and was ignoring or to busy.. all I did was restrict the post I could see from her and the group because they were out doing fun things every weekend without inviting me.. somehow she found out and threw it in my face during the paragraph she sent when telling me she didnt want to be friends... I've helped her through moving after her recent break up with her baby dad, I listened for hours while she cried and never expected anything in return, when I helped her move she asked if there was anything I wanted in return and I just said "I want quality time with you" that's when she started flaking and ignoring and not inviting me to things...

I've bought her son 40$ worth of birthday presents always been there when she needed me but when I asked for quality time... I was "being inconsiderate of her busy schedule" I probably only asked to hang maybe once every month and a half...

Then I noticed her changes in behavior and asked if she was mad at me, she ignored me again so I went off and told her she cant treat people this way, that ignoring someone and throwing them away like a piece of trash can really hurt their mental health.. that's when she gave me the paragraph telling me that I'm bad for her mentally and "I question my self worth because of you" bs honestly I said some hurtful things after that because this isnt the first time she has blamed me for her shitty behavior... I told her not to come to my wedding, unless she apologized, I didnt want to see or hear from her again...

She read the messages and didnt respond

So now I'm grieving 3 friendships and writing this entry to try and process it...

Did I just prove to her why I'm not worth having as a friend, I apologized later on and said "I am truly sorry for how nasty I was with you, I usually lash out when I get hurt and I was just hurt you dont want to be my friend anymore I am sorry and I wish you all the happiness, take care"

Regardless the other girls have obviously chosen sides and after I blocked everyone because one of them posted pics of them all hanging out together and I was not able to be happy for them I just reacted in my best interest and felt with it. After I cooled off I unblocked them and noticed they unfriended me... now I've lost 3 friends and its probably my fault now I am stuck in grief and when I'm hurting this bad I think of my mom and grieve her too..

Why am I like this

I mis spoke at work today too.. when I get in this sad state I tend to say things unnecessary and feel like a horrible person for it...

I hope I can get through this soon, i have someone who depends on me and I cant get too down and end up letting them down...

What can I do to stop letting this run my life..

Why do I even care so much when they didnt hesitate to throw me away...

I can only try and be better tomorrow...

If anyone reads this, do you have any tips on self care and trauma that you could share..

I know all this sounds petty but I've been friends with this girl for 8 years.. she would tell me all the time she loved me until she didnt... and I'm just heartbroken....

#journal

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foolishlovebugbaby · 4 years

Text

ten-thousand miles gone

prologue

summary: they say time heals all wounds, but the one left by han jisung on your heart is one that you still treat tenderly. alternatively; han jisung reappears into your life like a whirlwind, knocking you off of your feet, after leaving you without a goodbye.

genre: angst

warnings: nothing triggering or rated

word count: 6k

note: in my head, the mind map of the way this particular fic ended went in so many directions, but this was very draining to write so i settled on the one that wouldn’t leave you hanging.

been travelling these wide roads for so long my heart’s been far from you ten-thousand miles gone

In your younger years, life had always seemed to move gradually. Time seemed to be muffled by all the firsts and seconds that came and went like waves, distracting everyone from the reality of growing pains. But college certainly ripped off that bandaid, a cushion no longer supporting your fall into the harsh realities of life.

Second semester of sophomore year had just ended, so now every college student across the country was making a beeline for the airports and bus stations, with tickets home clasped tightly between hands that were potentially developing carpal tunnel syndrome. Luckily for you, home was two train rides and a taxicab away. But like all your independent adventures of navigating life unhinged, no journey would be complete without twenty-something voicemails from your mother telling you to padlock your luggage and some vague, superstitious advice she read on Facebook.

[To ma: yes, i didnt forget to pack your scarf and no, im not going to drink ginger and ginseng to ward off bad train spirits.]

[From ma: thank you. suit yourself , you will be bad spirit magnet !]

You chuckle and shove your phone into your pocket, hailing a cab with one hand while the other slings an abnormally large duffle bag over your shoulder. “North-Hill train station please.” You say to the cab driver and shove your luggage into the seat next to you.

You let out a tired sigh and slump into the pleather seats. Butterflies swarmed your stomach- you always seemed to get them whenever you went back home. Back to the place of some of your greatest and worst memories. Somehow, through the years, the fear of seeing him again in that godforsaken town died down, because the thought of ever being able to see him again at all proved itself to be almost impossible.

Even a fool knows this, you’re the best thing I’ve got…

You almost choke on your spit when that song comes on the radio. Of course that song had to come on so conveniently in the middle of your trip down melancholy lane. You have half a mind to reach over and turn the radio off, but decide against it when you see the cute old man bobbing his head to it.

So instead your mind traces its steps back a few moments until all you’re reminded of is him.

In your head you remember all these great experiences- graduation day, senior prom, camp nights during wintertime and summer carnivals down at the boardwalk. But then your mind tortures you and conjures up these images of what it would’ve been like to have experienced it all with him next to you and suddenly the memories become less fond. It’s treacherous, really, being your own worst enemy. But you learnt the hard way that time slows down for no one.

When you get to the train station, you move in a daze. The muscle memory of validating your ticket and walking to the platform does all the work for you. And usually that would be a good thing, except now it only allowed you to stay in your head a lot more. It’s funny, really, how everytime you see posters and billboards of his group around you don’t flinch. Not anymore at least. Because you don’t know him anymore, and he’s probably forgotten about you.

Sometimes, you’re convinced he was just a character that your very active imagination conjured up to fill gaps in your life with meaning. But every time you open a picture of the pair of you way back when, you’re met with the reality that he was real. Even if it was just for a short amount of time, he was visible to you. Tangible. And meant galaxies to you.

[From mama han: cant wait 2 see u back again ! have dinner with us soon xoxo]

You smile fondly down at your phone once you’re situated in your seat, typing out a reply to the woman you consider a second mom.

You thanked the universe for still keeping her in your life. Sure, her son would probably be known to you as the biggest jackass to exist for eternity, but she would remain sweet and tender in your heart for longer than that.

[To mama han: can’t wait to see you too:)]

You don’t confirm your spot at their dinner table, because frankly speaking, the last time you stepped foot in their house was the summer before university when you went to drop off a box of jisung’s things that you found in your room- sweatshirts, t-shirt’s, notes and other miscellaneous items that demanded you remember every miniscule moment spent with him. And since then you’ve found every excuse not to go near that place. You knew it probably hurt the woman whenever you conjured up some arbitrary excuse to not dig in to her incredible cooking, but the finger is to be pointed at Han Jisung and Han Jisung only. Screw him.

She sometimes tries to address the elephant in the room whenever you do get to talk during her visits at your childhood home. Like It would be great to have you both visit at the same time or Would you like me to call him? I’m sure he’s not busy right now. Yeah, subtle as a gun, but you love her still.

You’re not one to believe in luck, and if you did you’d actually quite fancy yourself as the most unluckiest person of them all, but you thank the heavens that he’s never been back home the same time as you have. Either that, or you’re just way too good at being further than a 10-mile radius from him. Like last semester break, when you got word from one of your childhood friends that he would be in town so you decided to cancel all your plans of going back home under the guise of going on a group excursion somewhere up north. Obviously, all you did was stay in your dorm and binge watch Gossip Girl for three weeks, but you concluded that anything would be better than having to confront your demons- or demon. Singular.

What would you even say if you saw him? Realistically, not that much. Ideally, you’d destroy him with words. All that pent up anger for him leaving you behind and all the unresolved feelings left to concentrate in an urn you buried deep in yourself exploding like Pandora's box right before him. 5 years passed, and yet you still found it difficult to imagine what a conversation would be like with him again.

Honestly, you’d tell him to stay a while longer, just so that he’d remain vivid in your memories once he decided to leave again.

When the taxi cab pulled up in front of your childhood home, you were half asleep and in desperate need of a solid meal. “Thanks, keep the change,” you say groggily as you pass the money to the driver.

You take a deep breath once you’re out of the car, your duffle bag slung around your frame. It’s been a very long time since you were last here. The months seemed to pile up without you noticing, and now that you think about it, it had been a good whole year that passed. You don’t know where the time went, but you were definitely here now.

You trudge up to the door, ringing the bell once. “Hey ma,” You say as she squeals and pulls you in for a hug. “I’m glad you’re back in one piece, especially since you ignored my advice.” She says pointedly and ushers you in. “Yeah, well, I guess the train spirits didn’t feel like victimising me today.” She looks at you with her mouth hung open and slaps your arm.

“Don’t say that!” She’s about to scold you more when your dad enters the living room in his pajama pants. “My daughter finally decides to show her face around here! Send in the doves!” You always knew that you got your flare for drama from your dad.

“How are you doing sweetie, we missed you.” He gives you a big bear hug and you sigh. “I know, it’s been too long.”

“There is not enough time in this world to mope around! Now, darling, it’s very late so your father and I are off to bed. There’s some leftovers for you in the toaster oven in case you get hungry,” They both smother you in a hug and you almost suffocate. “We’d love to hear all about your university in the morning. Sleep tight honey.”

And so you’re left to your own devices. Again. Sighing, you reluctantly head up the stairs and make your way into your old room. A smile finds its place on your lips.

The room is oddly clean- you figured your mother must have emotionally cleaned in here (more than once) during your time away from home. But the walls are still the same ugly navy blue, and your star-print curtains remained planted in front of your windows with planet decorations all over the ceiling to match. Funny. He helped you decorate. Said it made your room feel like the universe was just the two of you.

You didn’t know that what he really meant was that you were his safe place.

You spend a good thirty-minutes unpacking, tinkering around your old room and texting your friends about your trip home. It feels like an eternity passed when you finally decide to listen to your growling stomach and go get something to eat. But you’re picky and nothing in your kitchen seems to entice you enough to devour it, so you swipe your house keys off the kitchen countertop and head to your door. 7-Eleven it is. You’re dressed in a pair of leggings and a pink sweater with fluffy slides to match, but you could care less.

As you walk out of your driveway and head down your street, you pass by his house. The lights are off (of course, since it’s an ungodly 1AM) and it practically looked like a dollhouse.

You turn your gaze away.

The walk to the local 7-Eleven is only 5 Hozier tracks away, so you reach there in no time. Your tummy growls when you enter, and you immediately head to the instant section. Hmm, ramen, tteokbokki or pasta, choices choices choices…

You’re too busy pondering to notice the figure clad in sweats and a baseball cap standing frozen at the end of the aisle, gaping like a fish your way. He practically isn’t breathing, but your presence had knocked the wind right out of his chest.

“Y-Y/n?” He manages to breathe out, and you look around, confused. Did someone just say my name?

Your eyes slowly turn to his figure, and you can barely see who it is from afar. Tan skin can be seen from the collar under his hoodie, and dirty-blonde hair peeks out at the ends of his baseball cap. You feel like you’re seeing things, because you know that baseball cap. You bought it.

Slowly, your eyes trail over his face, and you feel the air leave your lungs.

Jisung still remembers the last time he saw you. Well, the last time he saw you before he didn’t say goodbye.

It was a Thursday afternoon, History class had just ended. On the way out, he caught a glimpse of you. He hadn’t seen much of you the entire week, but that was because he was actively trying to avoid you. But there you were, at your locker putting away your books with that puppy-dog expression you always wore whenever you were tired and in need of a good nap. He stood for a few moments, taking you in. Even if your hair was messily up in a bun with a hoodie two sizes too big drowning your frame, he still thought you looked like an absolute dream. He wanted to go up to you and ask you how was calculus? And when you pout and say boring, he would suggest you come over for some hot chocolate and a movie. And you would say yes, with a sleepy, lopsided smile, and his body would feel all warm and fuzzy at the sight of you.

But he doesn’t do any of that. Instead, he leaves his heart by the lockers, and with one last look, he walks away. His jacket does nothing to warm the cold that creeps its way up.

Had he known he wouldn’t get to see you one last time after that, he would’ve watched you for a few seconds longer. Had he known that you would fall sick and stay home from school the day before his flight, he would have told you to take better care of yourself. And had he known that the last time he’d see you would be when you’re drained and tired and down, he would have gone up to you to make you smile, one last time.

He never stopped recreating pictures of you in his head, fearing the outlines of you would fade.

Except now, as you stand a mere six feet away, he feels as though you stepped out of his mind and into his world once again. He can see you. You’re there.

None of the pictures of you that he drew up in his head would ever compare to the way you looked right then. Beautiful, just as he remembered you.

Your name feels like a foreign language when it leaves his lips.

The air is so thick between the pair of you that it makes everything around him slow down. He sees your eyes move from confusion, to shock, to utter fear and bewilderment, and then to pain. It feels as though a knife impaled his heart when he sees your eyes quiver.

He always loved your eyes. Dark brown, like freshly turned over earth, warmed by the sun. They look at him with sorrow now.

Your arms drop to your sides and your lips quake, “J-Jisung?” God, he forgot what it was like to hear his name in your voice. He hates that it’s said with so much heartache.

You run out without thinking twice.

“Stop, slow down! W-wait!” You hear his voice call out for you, but you continue to run- where? You don’t know. You just wanted to get away. Your feet take you far down the sidewalk, lamp-posts your only source of light at this time of night.

But you’re not fast enough, and for the first time in a long time, you feel his grip on your arm.

“Let go of me,” You say, your voice already breaking. He breaks with it.

“Y/N listen-” He pants out.

“No, let go of me!” You snatch your arm away from his grip. God, you’re furious. And hurt. And every other emotion there is to feel when you see the person who left you with nothing.

Your raised voice startles the two of you, and you both stand there for a moment, breathless. From running, from shock.

He doesn’t say anything and just gapes at you, “Well?” You provoke pointedly. “What? Cat got your tongue?”

“No ‘Hey y/n! How’ve you been? Long time no see since, you know, I abandoned you’.” You say harshly and the knife in his heart twists.

“I know you’re hurt-” You cut him off.

“Hurt? Hurt? Hurt doesn’t even come close to what I feel, Jisung.” All the words you want to spew get caught in the back of your throat and you fight yourself to keep it together because you don’t want him to see you cry. You don’t want him to catch you vulnerable and raw, because you don’t know if you can trust him with that part of you again.

“Can we please just- can we please just talk?” He begs, and you scoff. “Please?” His eyes plead with you, and you frustratedly run a hand through your hair.

“So talk.” You cross your arms over your chest and look at anywhere but him. He doesn’t say anything, and each time he tries to, all he does is end up biting his tongue. Where does he even begin?

“I’m sorry,” He croaks out, even though it’s the worst thing to say.

“Great. All is forgiven.” You’re ruthless, but that’s only because he didn’t show any mercy when he left.

He searches your eyes, not knowing what he could say to make things right. Or if that was even a possibility anymore. You both stand in silence for a while, and slowly your resolve breaks away.

“Why?” You say, your voice coarse and exhausted. “Why’d you do it? I tortured myself for months- no, years asking myself what I did wrong that caused you to leave me like that. What- was it something I said? Something I did? Please- tell me, I’m begging you,” You’re full-on sobbing now, tears flowing down your face like waves. They twinkle in the warm streetlights and he feels the ground beneath him crumble. The wound he left on your heart was ripped open again, and you couldn’t help but bleed in front of him. “P-please, Jisung. It’s been killing me for so long.”

Tears leave his eyes, “It wasn’t your fault,” He says softly.

“Then what was it? Because for all this time I broke myself down, questioning why you left like that. For so long I thought you were mad at me- I thought you became tired of me, bored of having me around. Do you know what that’s like? Tearing yourself apart to find answers you know you can’t answer by yourself?” “Shit, I thought you didn’t need me anymore. Which sucked, because I needed you.” You whisper through ragged breaths and he takes careful steps closer to you.

“Of course I still needed you- I haven’t stopped needing you, y/n.” His voice is as broken as yours.

“Then why?” Your voice is barely above a whisper and you struggle so hard to not fall to the ground.

“Do you know what it felt like to wake up one morning, clueless and thinking everything was fine, and then finding out that it was, in fact, not? Do you know what it was like to find out the person you cared for the most up and left you alone and with no explanation- not even a single goodbye? To be desperate to hear his voice again, and wonder to yourself why it was so easy for him to cut you off like that?” He stood right in front of you, so close that he could touch you.

“I searched for you. I still looked for you in the hallways at school, hoping it was just one of your stupid pranks. I waited in my room for you to climb up to my window again and whisk me away to the park for one of our late-night walks. I called your phone for days, just in case you’d finally get annoyed and pick up. You never did. You never did,” You didn’t notice that your face was in his hands and that he tried so desperately to wipe your tears away, his own streaming down his face.

He sucked in a breath, “I left like that because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get on that plane with you watching. That I would drop everything, all my stupid dreams, to stay in this stupid town for god knows how long with you. Leaving you was the most painful part,”

“That day I found out I passed the audition- do you remember? You were so happy for me, more happy than I was. The only thing on my mind was the fact that I had to leave everything behind to chase after this dream- to chase after a dream that came true because of you. I wasn’t sure anymore. But you were so sure of me, so ready to see me attain everything we talked about, that the thought of all of that being in vain because of my cowardice ate me up inside. I thought that maybe if I could keep you at a distance- make you mad at me for ignoring you, have you hate me- that it would make it a little easier to let you go of me,” Your lips quiver.

“It wasn’t easy-”

“I know, I know that.” He rests his forehead against yours and squeezes his eyes shut as he hears your soft sobs. “It was so that I wouldn’t have a memory of leaving you behind in an airport. I wasn’t ready to have that image in my mind haunt me. I’ve regretted it everyday. You have to believe me when I say that.”

“Then why didn’t you call back? Or even send a message?” Your eyes search his for answers as you pull your forehead away from his to get a clearer look.

“I thought you hated me. That you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

“Bullshit. You thought wrong.” Angrily, you push at his chest with closed fists and shut eyes, “You thought wrong,” You push him away until you’re no longer in his grip. “Let me go,” You whimper when he tries to reach for you again. “That doesn’t justify why you left me like that. I felt like I meant nothing to you for so long. You threw me away like I didn’t mean anything- made me feel like I was insignificant.”

“You meant everything to me!” He shouts out, shocking you into silence. “Don’t you see it?” When you only stare at him in confusion, he sucks in a breath.

“The mere thought of leaving you was enough for me to think twice. Sitting with you in French class and giggling because we didn’t understand a word, spending so many nights with you in your ridiculous dinosaur onesie, getting to walk around aimlessly until 4am in this godforsaken town as if time wasn’t fleeting- I-,” He runs a hand over his face, frustratedly wiping his tears away. “I wasn’t ready for it to be over. I didn’t want to miss graduation, the day we looked forward to since grade school. I didn’t want to facetime you on prom night while you look so goddamn beautiful, knowing that someone else would be getting to slow dance with you. Knowing that I wouldn’t be there, that I would be missing out- that I would be missing you every goddamn day made me realise I wouldn’t be able to last without you.”

“Selfishly ripping you apart from me felt like the only option. And it was so cruel, I know that. I’m the selfish asshole,” He takes exactly five steps to stand in front of you, and places a hand tenderly on your cheek.

“I was selfish because I knew I couldn’t have you. I was in love with you, y/n. So fucking in love and you didn’t even know. And after all this time, I still am.” He says that last sentence in a whisper, and before you know it, his lips are on yours.

His mouth is so warm against yours, so tender, and yet they set your skin on fire.

You pull away and take two steps back.

“Y-you don’t get to kiss m-me like that, not again,” You say breathless. You’re reminded of sophomore year, and the kiss in his living room that made you feel weightless and lightheaded.

“Y/n-”

“I think we’ve talked enough for tonight,” Your heart hammers in your chest and the blood rushes to your face so fast that you swear you’re shivering. His eyes are illuminated by the streetlamps and you see them break right before you, defeated. Yours are no different.

You walk away, choking back sobs.

He doesn’t try to stop you.

It’s 4PM when you decide to get out of bed.

Your eyes are practically closed shut from your lack of sleep and you don’t bother to brush your hair, or undrape the blanket around your shoulders when you head downstairs. Your parents are sitting in the living room, oblivious and unassuming, but when they see you they almost go into cardiac arrest.

“What’s wrong?” Your mother asks tentatively, extremely unsure as to why her daughter looked so abnormally disheveled. “Did you know he was going to be back in town?” You croak out, and she sighs.

“So you saw him.” She states, and your dad pretends to read the newspaper.

“Why didn’t you tell me ma, you know what happened-”

“Exactly; everyone knows what happened, and everyone knows how ruined you’ve both been because of it. But nothing’s going to change if you keep sweeping it under the rug. Honey, I know you’re hurting,” She rests a hand on your cheek and you close your eyes at the feeling. “But this is your chance to get closure.”

“What if I don’t want it anymore?”

“Oh that’s a load of cow dung. Look at you; you’re a mess.” Gee, thanks mom.

She bites her lip and pauses for a second, “What if I told you that during your first year in college, the very first semester you were away, he came back? It was the autumn before things took off for him, and he showed up in town looking for you everywhere, not knowing you had left. I felt so bad, but you’re my daughter, and my first instinct was to protect you because I knew that for the first time in a long time, you were enjoying yourself. So I didn’t give him your new number, said your phone was broken, and he was absolutely heartbroken. I regret it slightly, but maybe this time you both can stop being constantly out of step.”

Your mouth hung agape and your head spun. He looked for me?

“Don’t leave things like this, you need each other.” She gives you a squeeze, and you sigh.

She was right. Years passed with so many things left unsaid, so much time gone. And as much as you hated to admit it, you were never going to get that time back. It would kill you knowing that you didn’t take the chance to fix things. You were already broken down to your bones, what’s left to chip away?

You uncoil yourself from your blanket and fling it onto the couch, groaning when you realise you’re going to have to face him again. The events that had elapsed last night were still hard to wrap your mind around, and you found yourself wondering if it ever did happen. You could already feel your heart pound at the thought of it. His words float in your mind ceaselessly; so much so that when you step out of your house, you almost miss the slumped figure on your sidewalk.

He gets up at the sound of your door closing.

His hair was messy, pointing every which way, and the same clothes from earlier were now wrinkled and crimped. His eyes devastated you. They looked worn down and exhausted, much like yours did.

“Walk with me?” He breathes out, and you nod.

Seeing him in daylight is different. As you two walk, you become increasingly aware of exactly how much he’s grown. He used to be only a few centimeters taller than you, but now you only reach his chin. Barely. But his skin is the same golden tan and his cheeks remained full. You’re close enough that you can smell his scent- a scent you didn’t know you missed until now. But in retrospect, you just missed him.

You both reach the small park in the middle of your neighborhood, and you find yourselves under the big oak tree that he had deemed our spot all those years ago. You look up into his eyes, and for a moment you remember what it’s like to feel home again.

“Do you remember the first time we found this place? You were always so terrible at hide and seek.”

You find yourself smiling at the memory. He hid from you, behind this very tree, for so long that it had felt like you spent hours searching for him. When you finally did find him, you were angry and upset with him with red cheeks to match.

“That’s only because you were always so good at hiding from me,” There’s ambiguity that you didn’t intend in that statement, which brings you both back to silence.

After a while, you gather the courage to speak again. “So about that kiss-” He winces and scratches the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry for catching you off-guard like that last night-”

“I’m talking about the one on your birthday, sophomore year.” His lips squeeze into a tight line and his round eyes stare at you dumbfoundedly.

“I-I always thought you never remembered that. You never brought it up, so I thought that it was just a mistake.” You fiddle with your fingers and gnaw at your bottom lip, feeling the heat creep to the back of your neck.

“Y/n, it was never a mistake. I wanted to kiss you- and I did- because I was sick of being confused about my feelings for you.” You look back up at him, “I didn’t bring it up because I was too scared of scaring you away with it all.”

“Well you should’ve, so that I wouldn’t be so confused either.” His expression changes, and you didn’t think it was possible, but it becomes even more defeated than it was a few moments ago. He rubs his face with his face with his hands, leaning against the tree.

He’s about to speak again, but your lips reach his before he gets the chance.

His soft cheeks rest in your hands as you taste him, soaking in the feeling of his warm lips against yours. This time, for the first time, the kiss lasts longer than a few seconds.

The sensation sends shivers up your arms and down your spine. When he kisses you back, he kisses you with so much fervour that you’re worried you’ll pass out at the feeling. But his arms grip you tightly around your waist to keep you there, with him, firmly in place. Your mind is fuzzy and your heart beats erratically in your chest when he squeezes your waist. Craving him like this is new to you, and yet you can’t help but yearn for more.

Where words failed you before, you make up for it in slow dances across his lips.

“It was worth it, right?” Your question comes as a surprise to him.

Earlier, when the sun had begun to set, the two of you decided that public parks were not exactly the most ideal place to have a heart-to-heart. So you walked back to his place, hands shoved in to the depths of your pockets, but your shoulders brushing against his with every step.

The two of you laid face to face on his bed, pillow-width apart.

“Leaving, yes. Hurting you, not at all.” He answers quietly, his hand drawing circles on the small of your back.

Under his bedroom lights, you take his breath away. His eyes trace over your features, over every dip and bump of the outlines of your face and he hopes that this vision of you never leaves him. He takes in every mole and freckle on your face like it’s the first time he’s seen them, when the reality is that he always used to map out constellations on your cheeks while you slept. He’s afraid that if he blinks, you’ll vanish again, so he tries to keep his gaze steady on yours, unwavering and certain. The way he looks at you sends the butterflies in your stomach into a frenzy.

“I miss you,” You say, your voice meek and he feels his heart break all over again. “I miss you too.” You both speak in present-tense because even though he could touch you, see you, he knew it would take an indefinite amount of time for the pain of losing so many moments to heal.

He pulls you into him, savouring the feeling of your embrace. Holding you makes him feel at home, and god knows he’s been away for so long. You nestle into the crook of his neck, and his hands rest under your sweater and on supple skin, willing your pain to go away.

There are an infinite amount of things he wants to tell you, but he figures “I love you.” would suffice for now.

Life never slowed down. As much as it felt like it had when you spent your days with him again, the days piled up one by one. And soon enough, time caught up.

Soon enough, you would need to book your train ticket back to the city, because your three-week long semester break would draw to a close. He would have to book a plane ticket back to glitz and glamour, and the pair of you would wind up in the same dilemma that you were in five years ago.

Only this time, he never leaves your side during your fleeting time together. This time, he tries to make up for all the lost moments within the span of three weeks. He doesn’t let go of any chance to be with you- to hold you, to touch you, to kiss you. He imprints the feeling of his skin on yours so that you never forget. So that he never forgets. Your eyes are cosmic in the moments that you share intimately, and he soaks up every inch of you so that he never forgets what it feels like to share the same breath.

He listens to all your stories and all your bizarre adventures with a fond smile, because you tell them with such wonder that it makes him feel like he was there. Your voice is the only one he wants in his head.

When he drops you off at the station, he doesn’t say goodbye. But not like last time; he doesn’t say goodbye because instead he says I’ll see you soon and Get there safely. When he watches the train pull away from the platform, he prays he sees it soon again because it carries his heart with him.

He likes to imagine that you send him voice notes of your day and how frustrated you are with you OChem professor. That you send him pictures of yourself, and all the cute little cats you come across during your walks to class. That you send him long letters in the mail like the hopeless romantic that you are. In return, he would introduce you to his members- he knows you’d get along with Hyunjin the best, because you both would like to bitch about him while he’s still in the room. He likes the idea of facetiming you whenever you have the time, and getting to say he misses you, even if it’s only through a screen. He likes to imagine that in every lyric he writes, an essence of you treads in his words, because you’re his only muse. And he envisions the day when he’s finally back in the town where time slows, up in your room where the rest of the world crumbles away and your slates are clean once again.

But for now he watches as the train becomes nothing but a speck in the distance, waiting for it all to play out.

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jackalopefreckles · 3 years

Text

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

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