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salti-thelatediagnosedautist · 1 year

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I am personally 100% for a shitty self diagnosis.

A shitty self diagnosis is usually the predecessor to a fairly accurate self diagnosis.

For me, I didn't think I could possibly have autism because of the stereotypical traits listed (I first started researching in 2013 when most sources were based on children, and not relatable at all to a teenager). So I actually thought I must be bipolar! That was a shitty self diagnosis, but it then later on led to a self diagnosis of autism, which has now become a professional diagnosis of autism.

I honestly hate that there is any dislike to self diagnosis at all... to me it doesn't make sense. Unless you suspect something is "wrong" with you, it's very unlikely you'll just happen to end up in front a psychiatrist or psychologist getting diagnosed. And even if you do it's much less likely that they'll diagnose you with autism unless you have already self diagnosed it.

Lets say someone self diagnoses autism without learning much about it. They just saw a few tiktoks that resonated with them and they went for it.

Here's my thought process.

They are going to continue learning about autism, great!

This means if they don't have autism, they will likely become a lot more empathetic to people with autism. That's awesome!

If they do have autism, that's great too! Another correct self diagnosis, yippee! (This is the more likely outcome BTW! It's fairly uncommon for people to think they are autistic for no reason...)

Or the third outcome is, self diagnosing with autism wasn't correct, but it lead to a correct self diagnosis of ADHD or something else. Great for them!

Here's a second scenario. Someone does a shitty autism self diagnosis. They then see a bunch of posts and comments about how you need to really deeply and responsibly research autism for your self diagnosis to be valid. Or even a bunch of people directly comment that to them.

Then here's my thought process with that scenario.

The person is actually autistic but gets scared out of self diagnosing because they worry they can never research enough. They become indecisive and it takes them much much longer to be able to self diagnose because of fear and gate-keeping.

The person isn't autistic and feels discouraged from doing research towards any self diagnosis. They feel isolated and misunderstood. They get upset that they have been rejected by yet another community.

Now, listen. I know that for us autistic people it can feel like we are being attacked on all sides and that bad self diagnosis is just another way we are being misunderstood. But the thing is, from my POV, professional diagnosis is honestly not much better. At all. Doctors have trouble correctly diagnosing physical conditions, let alone mental ones. Most doctors I've been too couldn't even diagnose a rash. It's honestly sad how useless they can be sometimes.

A self diagnosis is key to finding your correct diagnosis also. Without self diagnosis many people won't have ANY diagnosis ever.

A lot of people with a shitty self diagnosis are also often teens. Lost, confused, misunderstood teenagers. And people who self-diagnose mental conditions are often neurodivergent in one way or another. Whether it be autism, ADHD, depression, we should be accepting them all the same. We are all fighting very similar fights.

Now for my big POV - we can't actually truly determine whether someone has an accurate self diagnosis. We are autistic people, but we can't diagnose other autistics. Pretending that we can is a dangerous game to play. Autism can present extremely differently person-to-person. It's important that we don't forget that.

Basically, I understand that it feel frustrating seeing so many people self diagnosis with autism without much research. But please, even if you disagree with me, at least remember to be KIND.

#autism #actually autistic #asd #late diagnosed autistic #autism diagnosis #neurodivergent #autistic blog #oc #autism spectrum disorder #autistic life #self diagnosers #self diagnosed autism

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sophieinwonderland · 6 months

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Hi, I'm a system and have mutliple other disorders. All "cis" if you will. I'm not here to shame anyone but I would genuinely like to know how this makes sense to you? I want to know your persepctive because I don't understand and maybe I can get some more insight from someone else. I feel invalidated when people talk about endogenic and "transsystems" because my disorder is not an aesthetic and I had to go through so much trauma that turned me into who I am today and not in a good way. It's painful and it hurts when I see people making fun of my experience by saying they've acquired their system "naturally" even though that's not how the disorder works (By "making fun of" I mean that's how it feels). It also feels transphobic to hijack trans wording such as "cis" and "trans" even though disorders are different to gender. Gender is a social construct and disorders are just not. They can't go away, they can't change. I can never get my childhood back and I struggle to be able to be myself with my Autism and ADHD, I find it hard to keep relationships from the immense anxiety I've gotten from my CPTSD symptoms and the chronic mistrust I've had to develop to survive. I guess I just want to ask why? Why you believe in these things? It's not that I hate you, I don't, I genuinely want to understand because currently I feel hurt, and upset, and made fun of in a way I've never felt before and I just want to know the logic and reasoning behind this kind of stuff before I make a judgement.

This is an old post, so it's entirely possible you've already made up your mind on these issue now. But either way, I decided I might as well answer now

Personally, I feel these are different subjects.

First...

Disorders Are a Social Construct

Not in the same way as gender or race, mind you.

Rather, disorders are bureaucratic labels tacked onto symptoms. These symptoms may or may not actually be related.

We live in a universe with DID and OSDD-1 are considered separate disorders. But it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe in another universe, they would be the same disorder.

Or, maybe in one universe, DID wouldn't exist and OSDD-1a and 1b would be two separate disorders, with DID just being the comorbidity between these two things.

Maybe your ADHD would actually be branded as a type of autism, or autism could still be considered a classification of Schizophrenia. Many psychiatrists actually dislike the disorder model, and would prefer focusing on individual symptoms instead.

Also, some disorders can go away, and some disorders can change. Well, the diagnosis will still remain, but that's more another matter of the bureaucracy. If you're depressed for two weeks, you get a diagnosis. Then the symptoms can go away for 30 years, but you'll retain that diagnosis forever.

I Think You Can Experience Dysphoria For Anything

The reason I feel how I do on transX identities is because I've seen people in the plural community with memories of living completely different lives. People who feel uncomfortable with every aspect of the body they inhabit.

I've personally felt inadequate for lacking the intelligence and education of my source.

I know some who feel phantom limb-like experiences relating to parts they never had like wings and tails.

And psychologists have acknowledged and researched BIID, where people will feel like they should have a certain physical condition.

And so I totally believe it's possible to have dysphoria for anything, including mental conditions you don't have. It doesn't make rational sense why someone would want certain conditions, but the brain rarely makes rational sense and it would be a mistake to assume it needs to.

Endogenic Systems Are Different

I don't believe endogenic systems are a result of or related to dysphoria at all, outside of transplurals.

I believe endogenic plurality is a naturally occurring condition. We can see this in the ease of which people are able to divide themselves into parts in Internal Family Systems. The autonomy of imaginary friends as children. And the fact that many unrelated cultures around the world have reported nonpathological spiritual possession through history.

Most endogenic plurality isn't people who feel like they need to be plural or feel dysphoric for being a singlet. It's just a different experience that's been largely ignored by psychology until the past decade.

I've been collecting studies on these various phenomena here:

Personally, I find the imaginary friend studies most interesting. In the past, it was assumed that imaginary friends were purely controlled by the child hosts, but more evidence keeps stacking up showing that this isn't the case and that these are natural fully autonomous agents.

These experiences have been ignored by psychiatry for a long time because they just weren't pathological, and they were hidden enough that psychiatry could dismiss them as just pretend or fake.

#syscourse #pro endo #pro endogenic #transx #transid #transabled #sysblr #rad inclus #multiplicity

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cerastes · 2 years

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Man that autism post resonates so hard for me rn. Had a 'friend' of mine start randomly calling me an "egg" and "in denial" of being autistic because I... enjoy asmr and rock in my seat sometimes. Like straight up arguing with me over it in front of other people. It was so uncomfortable and really upset a few of our mutual autistic friends. Idk what this trend is but I hate it so much

No yeah that's outright disgusting, like it's one thing if someone autistic makes a gallow's humor post about it or not even necessarily something gallow's-ish, just, you know, talking about it, making a humorous spin on it, the works, that's totally fine, we all do it about our own life experiences. It's another thing entirely to make it into a trend or "fashion-nize" it as some sort of quirky personality trait that makes you a 'freaking awesome bean' or whatever and then do what this acquaintance of yours did, like, without even getting started with the use of 'egg' here and calling someone else an 'egg in denial', that's a whole other can of worms by itself, just going at someone with the whole "you're actually X you just don't know it yet" is incredibly irresponsible. One of my sincerely least favorite arcs of Tumblr is when this was happening to ADHD, and having to see a lot of friends reblog those posts like "oh no I identify to so many of these posts... Perhaps I Am One Of The Abnormals" like man, read the room, I'm The Abnormals, and I don't hold it against anybody, because I know for a fact that none of them meant anything negative by it nor did they mean to insult, and I know this because I know my friends, but it was a tough period of time to have a dashboard, and I can imagine anyone less secure about themselves, of their conditions, or of their online social group feeling upset or offended by it.

It's like (the most mainstream) mental health things all go through their own turn in the Trend Spotlight, and right now, it's autism, before that, it was ADHD, and many years ago, in a real Tumblr Classic, it was the whole anti-recovery stance ("um, drinking water isn't gonna help my depression, KAREN") that even some supposedly educated-ass people I personally know backed up for some reason that transmogrifies me into The Jonker for half a second before I calm down ("uhhh maybe some people had a bad time with their own therapy :(" shut the hell up and leave people making helpful little posts about stuff that's helped them alone). And even before that, it was the Wild West of people going ham self-diagnosis with absolutely everything they could, objectively the worst period, and it wasn't just self-diagnosis, it was sometimes diagnosis others, for instance, one person that shall remain politely unnamed one time responded to a vent post I made many years ago "hey those are signs of depression, you should get that checked out".

To me.

Not just an actual professional psychologist that literally does this shit for a living, but most importantly, someone they don't really know on the internet. That was one of the few times I've actually gotten so pissed I went off, because holy shit my man you can't just diagnose people like that, you may be unknowingly predisposing someone who otherwise was just having a bad day into actually developing depression, which is a thing that happens.

I'm not going to say "stop talking about my field reeee" on the contrary, mental health needs more discussion about it, but it needs to be given the proper respect a topic as weighty and sensitive as mental health deserves. Properly inform yourself and, to help with this, ask. Ask mental health professionals, ask autistic people, ask ADHD people, ask people with OCD, ask people with Schizophrenia, ask them what's up, and always keep in mind there's no universal experience. I wish these things were universal, it'd make my job much easier and life much easier for me and many more people, but it isn't the case, so tighten your pants and do your due diligence.

#And if you take an anti-recovery stance in any of my posts #that's an instant block.

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fishies-world · 1 year

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Vent: I am not autistic and that frustrates me?

Is it weird that I am so upset about the fact that I am not autistic? Because I clearly don't have any symptoms/most of my symptoms aren't severe enough. But they still bother me. And I just want to know where they are coming from. Is that asking too much?

I am socially awkward and a lot of the time people seem to misinterpret the things I say, but I am still much better with social interactions than my actual autistic friends.

I do have sensory issues, but only a few. I can usually deal with them as long as it's not too much. Like loud noises.

I don't have meltdowns, but I do get very irritable if there is too much sensory input/the wrong sensory input or if something doesn't go according to plan.

I don't have a problem with changing plans, but I do get upset when someone else changes my plans (but that's normal) and once I have a plan/routine I can't do things any other way, which means I often end up not doing them at all. I also cannot build routines.

Similarly, I love rules and labels. I want to put a label (or two or three) on everything. And I have a really hard time breaking rules. My friends and family make fun of me for waiting at a red light when there is clearly not a single car in sight. My own mother has told me that I'm too well-behaved and that I should break a few rules because that's what people my age do?

I don't have any special interests. But my hyperfixations tend to come back after a while. I basically just go through the same catalogue of hyperfixations (e.g. aquariums, Sims 4, science fiction, fantasy, communism?, medicine & psychology, productivity/self-improvement?), which is something I haven't heard other people with ADHD talk about.

I don't stimm/fidget a lot. In fact, I'm not sure if I do any stim at all. But once I start it's very hard to stop and I hate losing control of it.

When I asked my psychologist about it she told me I was "just a bit autistic", which I know is impossible and probably a sign that she doesn't know much about autism, but being told that all the symptoms I show have no explanation wasn't very helpful either.

I know it's stupid to cling to a condition I don't have, but I just want to know what's going on. What is wrong with me? Why do I struggle so much? I know I only want to be autistic because I want an explanation, I want a reason why I am the way I am. And I know that's not possible (and probably quite abelistic). There is no diagnosis that will tell me what I am. I will just have to learn to live with it. But I really don't know how. I just want to know that there are other people like me out there. I feel so lonely.

#neurodivergent #adhd #asd #I feel wrong tagging this with tags related to autism but I don't know what other tagges to use #autism #vent post #undiagnosed neurodivergent

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notabled-noodle · 2 years

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I asked my psychologist if it is possible that I might have autism around a year ago and she basically told me that I am "a little autistic"? And that I am only on the autism spectrum when I have a bad day? But the more I research the more I hear that that is impossible and that you can't just be a little autistic. And it really confuses me.

I do have ADHD but I feel like some of my symptoms don't fit with that diagnose but that might also be because of the fact that I can't seem to figure out what counts as a ADHD symptom and what dosen't. And the symptoms I have that I think might point to autism aren't that strong.

For example: is trouble understanding and partizipating in social interactions an autism symptom or could that just be my adhd? (trouble knowing when to speak, how to interpret tone and facial expressions, making and holding eye contact, what to talk about)

Or sensory issues. I only get sensory issues with two or three foods, and sometimes with certain materials (but not always?) and with my hair

And I don't really mind changing my plans as long as I am the one actually changing them but I get really upset when I can't do something i planned on doing because of someone/something else.

It's all very confusing and I'm sorry that this ask is such a mess but I really don't understand what's going on.

yeah, first things first — you cannot be a little bit autistic, and you can’t just be autistic on your bad days. your traits can become harder to manage or more obvious when you’re stressed, anxious, tired, etc… but the autism is either always there or it never is.

this is going to be a long post, so I’m going to break it up into headings with the hope that makes it easier to read

trouble understanding social things

TLDR; when it comes to ADHD, it’s often about not being able to obey social rules. when it comes to autism, it’s often about not understanding the rules to begin with.

not knowing when it’s your turn to speak could be ADHD. people with ADHD often struggle with turn-taking in conversations, due to impulsivity, impatience, and a difficulty paying attention to surroundings. this can lead to them interrupting others, forgetting to respond when someone talks to them, or straight up walking away in the middle of a conversation.

the difference with autism is that there is a difficulty with understanding social rules. I don’t know when it’s my turn to speak because I have trouble detecting and interpreting shifts in tone. this means I don’t know when someone is about to finish talking.

if you can’t pick up on social cues because your brain cannot figure out what the cues are trying to tell you, that’s more likely to be autism.

sensory issues

TLDR; sensory issues are common in both autism and ADHD, but you’re not wrong to consider this as an autistic trait.

sensory issues can be present in both autism and ADHD. sensory processing issues are part of the diagnostic criteria for autism — most autistic people are either hyper or hypo sensitive to a range of sensory stimulus.

these issues are not in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, but Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is incredibly common in people with ADHD. most people I’ve met with ADHD either also have SPD or also have autism.

this means that ADHD + sensory issues does not necessarily mean autism (but it is something you might want to take into account when thinking about an autism diagnosis)

changing plans

TLDR; if you have an extreme reaction to change due to feeling overwhelmed, that’s definitely something to put on the autism list

very few people like to feel out of control. it’s common for all people of all neurotypes to want to know ahead of time what’s happening. this is just more extreme when you have something like autism.

it’s possible for someone who just has ADHD to enjoy spontaneity whilst also not wanting other people to be in charge of the plans. some people with ADHD end up becoming really strict with a day’s plans as a coping mechanism, because they know they’ll get derailed if they don’t plan ahead. so the reason someone might hate change is slightly different than in autism.

with autism, a change in plans is incredibly overwhelming. our brains need structure, because structures and plans and rules make the world a lot less confusing than it would be otherwise. knowing what is going to happen before it happens helps us to know how to emotionally prepare for that thing (even if it seems like a really minor event).

conclusion

it might be a good idea for you to investigate autism further. the key thing to remember is that the differences are found in the “why”. consider why you feel a certain way, and what is fuelling certain behaviours.

I wish you all the best on your journey to figuring everything out!

#adhd vs autism #adhd #autism #asks

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greatqueenanna · 7 months

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Hello! I’m the anon that sent you that message a week or so ago questioning if talking about his sociopathic tendencies was responsible. I know you accidentally deleted my initial ask (totally fine!! shit happens!), but I just wanted to check back in and say I deeply appreciate the thought and care you are showing towards this topic.

The post about your discussion with BG about Hans’ sociopathy is very eye-opening. It was interesting to read these things from the perspective of a psychologist/someone diagnosed with ASPD. I’ve been in this fandom since practically day one in 2013 and have ALWAYS been a Hans fan. I feel I am a fan that knows this franchise’s world and characters very intimately and it seriously brought some answers to my own analysis of Hans’ character. It helped me finally connect Jennifer Lee’s comments with the character we see on screen. Thank you so much for having that conversation and thank you to BG for answering and giving you permission to post their responses.

I’m glad you were able to see that my intent was never to “call you out” and I merely just had a few concerns. Your patience and understanding is deeply appreciated. You’ve addressed my concerns and criticisms succinctly and earnestly. I can ask nothing more of someone doing such a task.

It means the world to see someone so passionate about Frozen (Hans, specifically). It means even more to know you have the awareness and compassion to listen to outside input on sensitive subjects. It’s exciting!

Thank you for continuing to offer care and respect to such a delicate topic and I look forward to the complete analysis :)

Thank you so much for your words!

I'm glad you came forward with your criticism and concerns because I would've honestly never thought to ask my friend for his input to begin with if not for your ask. I kind of had an arrogance that because I knew someone who had the diagnosis, I could just talk about whatever I wanted. I'm glad you pushed me to get a better understanding.

I always strive for the Frozen fandom, whatever topic it may be, to try and listen to each other and have discussions without throwing insults or getting upset. People have unique opinions and experiences - it is good to hear one another and not jump to conclusions about someone based on what character they like or what ship they prefer. It's sad to see some fans resort to threats and insults over fictional characters.

#greatqueenanna/responses

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finding-hope · 2 years

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Had my obstetrician appt this week, am now 27 weeks pregnant. From last ultrasound 4 weeks ago baby has grown however she is still measuring small at the lower edge of normal and according to the doctor measuring about 2 weeks behind. Because of this the obstetrician said it’s likely I will have to deliver early at around 37 weeks, which may or may not change depending on how baby tracks in growth as we go along. Next obstetrician appt is in 2 weeks. Feeling a bit stressed and worried. I again questioned what could be the cause, she again mentioned nutrition as a factor. Which upsets me because I feel like I am eating, and with what I am eating I’m already struggling with the weight gain, feeling full and my body image.

Also when the Dr was looking at the Edinburg Depression Scale I had filled out she noted that I had circled “Hardly ever” for “I have had thoughts of harming myself.” She said “that’s a red flag” and questioned whether I was seeing my GP, whether I needed to go back on the Pristiq and whether I need to bring my psychologist appt forward. I was like “Um that’s normal for me?” I mean, I have a diagnosis of BPD and having chronic thoughts of harming self is part and parcel of that, I have no intention of acting on any thoughts to seriously harm myself, especially harm myself in a way that could harm baby. I thought “hardly ever” having thoughts to harm myself is pretty good! Having dealt with my own mental health issues for almost 20 years and also being a mental health clinician who works with people who have chronic self harm and suicidal thoughts I guess I’m somewhat desensitised to it so forget that maybe others are not so much? Should have just answered “never” so that everyone can just chill.

#mental health #pregnancy #eatingdisorder #edrecovery #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #BPD #BPD recovery

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sp00ky-scary · 7 days

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OCD thought stuff except I don't have OCD however the idea that I do is frequently brought up and I routinely spiral about it and am currently spiralling so this is basically a vent.

Somehow I frequently encounter the problem of reading a fic focusing on the Riddler's OCD and then spiralling because I am confronted with similarities between the writing and my behaviours. Which is such a weird and easily avoidable situation, however I am cursed with the Riddler canonical OCD haver being one of my favourite characters, the spiralling means I also have to avoid him as a whole sometimes because it's upsetting. And like the spiralling about maybe having OCD isn't just a "oh this character with a thing is just like me fr" but also researching OCD for an assignment in a psych class and reading descriptions of exact behaviours I've had and have, and also a friend with diagnosed OCD talking genuinely about how it sounds like I have it and me having an actual breakdown like tears and all over the concept of having OCD because I just can't. I can't do it. Because like if I do then I have to acknowledge and talk about the intrusive thoughts I have that make me nauseous and the things I have to do because not doing them is so deeply uncomfortable and upsetting, and also how stupid some of those things are. And like really I don't think I'm that bad but then if I do have OCD then that means I am bad and not doing well and I'm trying so hard to do well. Not to mention I already have autism and ADHD minus the official diagnosis bit because I ain't got the money to do that part but trust psychologists and psychiatrists say I do have it, and anxiety, and depression, so really if I've got OCD then it's all a bit ridiculous. And like what I'm doing is working so like it's fine if I just ignore it and never bring up the topic or my thoughts or behaviours to a professional because really it's no big deal and I'm fine. Honestly being paranoid about having OCD probably means I don't have it.

Anyway I'm totally fine everything is cool honestly it's probably just anxiety and autism and I keep spiralling over nothing yk.

#vent post #also I'm like 90% sure I've been experiencing auditory hallucinations because I keep hearing things #and sometimes I'll try and record the sound but my phone doesn't pick up shit #but that's a different problem and I'm used to it by now nothing can be as bad as the non existent animals inside the brick walls

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theropoda · 1 year

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the more research i do the more i feel i have adhd, ive been looking into adhd and autism more after learning that what i was diagnose with as a child, spd, is not universally recognized as its own Disorder, that theres a lot of debate if it really deserves recognition as its own seperate thing, because if it isnt, it is recognied as just another manifestation of adhd and/or autism (my mom told me once that one of many child psychologists she took me to as a wee lad said i had "Asperger's" because of my behavior but she dismissed it....okayyy. thats a lot)

you know what though? i did get an adhd assessment a while ago, late last year, and the psychiatrist who did this said i didnt have it. but i feel a bit iffy about it. aand idk what to do: is my hesitation about this outcome valid because i do have a not so good experience with that particular psych + my parents were really weird about the whole thing? (it seems like they just did their part of the assessment just to make me happy) or am i just upset i didnt get diagnosed because no diagnosis means no help...no matter how many times a doctor tells me that i am fine, it won't make my problems disappear. that kinda thing.

#setting this post to self destruct after like. an hour or smthn idk lol #that would be a genuinely neat feature on tumblr LOL

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adultingautistic · 4 years

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i'm sorry if this was asked/talked about before on you blog but i was wondering.. i saw quite a few youtube videos and just info in general on how to know whether you have c-ptsd or you're autistic. but what about an autistic who has c-ptsd? how could experiencing trauma present itself alongside autism? if there's any difference at all to how NDs and NTs brains deal with trauma?

First, it’s absolutely okay to ask a question that someone else might have asked before. I’m never going to get upset at similar questions! It’s good for us to talk about the same thing many times, because each time we all learn something we didn’t know before.

There is a difference in how ND brains process trauma verses NT brains, because ND brains process everything differently. I am not knowledgeable enough to be able to list what those differences are, but I’m going to guess that every ND brain processes trauma in its own way, which is different from NT brains in some ways, but probably same in some ways as well.

I’d actually never heard of C-PTSD before, and so I looked it up, and I think that’s exactly the form of PTSD that I have myself, even though my diagnosis just says “PTSD”. Apparently the difference is that PTSD stems from one traumatic event, while C-PTSD stems from many traumatic events and/or an ongoing trauma that lasts years vs. just one event.

So, you’re in luck, because I have PTSD (and probably C-PTSD), and am autistic! So, what differences have my therapist and I run into?

The answer is, many. I find that she often says to me “Snazzy, I find that what works for my other patients rarely works for you, and I have to tailor a new approach for you.” It usually comes down to the fact that I take things so literally. For example, she’ll ask me “How was your Thanksgiving?” and so I’ll tell her, “Well, we had ham instead of turkey because my aunt wanted to mix it up this year. My mom made the sweet potatos and my cousin tried to make the chocolate pudding pie, but it didn’t really solidify quite right, so we sort of...drank it? And the stuffing was kinda burnt, it was sort of crunchy in a bad way...”

And then she’ll stop me and say “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I meant to ask you, ‘I’d like to hear about your relationship with your family.’” And then I’ll tell her about my relatives and how I get along with each of them.

So she has learned through working with me that if she wants information from me, she has to ask me directly. This is related to my autism and the way my brain processes conversations, though it may not be related to PTSD per se.

I am doing EMDR with her, for the PTSD, and I find that it is helping! But again, I need much more direct, clear instructions from her than she does usually with her other patients. We learned that it’s best if I think my thoughts out loud while doing the EMDR, so she can guide me in a way that is more useful (otherwise I might, again, start talking about mundane details that have little emotional value).

But, once we overcome those communication roadblocks, a lot of the therapies that work for NT brains have been helping me. So I would suggest that you find a therapist or psychologist that is willing to work with you, and alter their “usual treatment” in a form that works for you, as a good doctor should be doing anyway, because all brains are unique, even NT brains.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #PTSD #C-PTSD #trauma #ask

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scripttorture · 3 years

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I have a weird scenario and i want to ask about its implications, mostly focusing on soliditary confinement aspects. So I am writing about this all powerful being who is immortal+eternally youthful (with a human like mind) who gets trapped in basically a big snowglobe created by his powers. Its a big mostly open space set inside a forest with a magic mansion to occupy him and provide him basic needs and the limits of the globe are very defined. {1/4}

{Weird anon} After some time alone he comes to create a friend to accompany him and make sure everything goes well during his absence using his powers. This friend can and does leave for periods of time to fullfill his duties but comes back. The being also realises during his imprisonment his powers dwindle with time and the globe starts to get smaller as he starts to age, meaning he will either die from old age or the globe shrinking. {2/4} {WA}After what he thinks must be a long time, his graying hair biggest indication, kids who knew about his legend come to discover him. They then bring him their older sibling, then their parents to talk and after some plot he gets to get some of his powers back and be free. (Posting my questions in the last part) {3/4} {WA} I was wondering if the confinement area being comfy and big, him having this friend would help during confinement? How could he react to aging/idea of dying? Although this isnt very possible in RL, could the fact he had to create this friend ,but mostly the fact he would have no one else if he didnt, get to him? How could he interract with kids/people who found him, i know people tend to have difficulty with interractions after time. Ty for your help! {4/4} {WA EXTRA} Forgot to mention these but 3 kids are 10 to 12, older sibling is 14-15, parents are mid thirties . Again, thank you for your time.

That’s an interesting fantasy scenario (and not even close to the weirdest thing I’ve been asked) thank you for sharing it :)

I think the first thing to grasp is that this character isn’t constantly in solitary confinement here and that’s a smart writing choice. You’ve got the character creating at least one companion and even though that companion isn’t always present that means it’s likely they’re both getting at least 1-2 hours of contact most of the time.

That doesn’t mean this isn’t a stressful situation and it doesn’t mean there are no periods of solitary confinement.

But it gives you leeway to make the effects of this fairly realistic even with the fantasy concept.

Having a big, comfortable space doesn’t really make a difference to how well people deal with isolation. Socialising is a physical need for social species like humans. But the presence of a companion makes the world of difference.

I think the first thing to decide is exactly how long it takes him to make his companion. A lot of people really overestimate the time we can withstand isolation.

For reference the safe period is about a week. After that most people will start to show symptoms and the symptoms are a lot more likely to persist after release. A month is more then enough time for the character to be seriously effected. A year is a really extreme amount of time. And by the time you start getting to multiple years the chances of suicide attempts are… significant.

With the kind of story you’re describing I get the impression you want long term effects but don’t want symptoms etc to take over the story. I think 1-3 months is a perfect time frame for that. The character would develop long term symptoms but it’s still in the realm where it’s survivable. Which means it’s less likely to take over the whole narrative.

You’ve probably seen my masterpost on solitary confinement but here it is again just in case :) I really recommend Shalev’s Sourcebook on Solitary Confinement which is linked as one of the sources on the post.

As with the symptoms of torture more generally you’ve got some scope to choose symptoms because not everyone will experience every single symptom. There’s still some debate about how common individual symptoms are. However broadly depression and anxiety seem to be very common and hallucinations are less common (though they seem to become more likely the longer someone is confined). It’s a good idea to pick a mix of physical and psychological symptoms.

If you choose insomnia as a symptom remember that sleep deprivation also causes problems which you can read about in the masterpost here.

If this is your first time writing something like this then picking out symptoms can be daunting. I try to think of it in terms of what adds to the story. I try to consider the characters, plot and overall themes. Symptoms that give you opportunities to show aspects of the character’s personality, change their relationship with other characters, highlight themes in the story and/or create interesting problems in the plot later on are all good picks.

It’s also important to consider what you’re comfortable writing and what you feel able to write. If you don’t want to write self harm for example that’s a perfectly good reason for ruling out that symptom.

I have a post that outlines my process for picking symptoms that might be helpful for you. :)

I think that brings us round to the more fantasy side of the questions.

I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know how people generally deal with the idea that they’re going to die soon. I suspect that there’d be a lot of individual variation. I think you’ll get the best answers by looking up charities that support people with terminal illnesses.

I found a couple of links at Marie Curie that might serve as a starting point. There’s this page on palliative care. This general page (with lots of links and first hand accounts) of living with a terminal illness. You might find this page about emotionally processing a terminal diagnosis helpful.

I would treat the emotional issues around the created companion the same as a character who is reliant on only one person for their social needs. Which can put a lot of weird strains on a relationship.

I’m not a psychologist and what I say here is based on impressions I gained from interviews with people who are very isolated. If you see a mental health professional or someone who studies isolation more seriously saying something different take their word over mine. Because my reading and knowledge is broad rather then deep.

Relying on one person for all your social needs isn’t healthy. We all have different needs and it’s a lot easier for those needs to be met when we’re interacting with more then one person. Being entirely reliant on one person puts a lot of pressure on that person. It can make it seem like any problems or issues the more isolated person has are the other person’s fault.

Because they’re not magically meeting all of someone’s needs. And I say ‘magically’ because it’s almost impossible for one person to do the ‘job’ of a dozen people.

There can be a lot of guilt, resentment and anger floating around in this sort of dependant relationship. Even when both parties are genuinely trying their best and trying to be healthy.

Any depressive period or severe mood swing on the part of the reliant character might be interpreted as failure by the companion. As if it’s their job to ‘fix’ the mental health problems he has. And that can lead to a lot of internalised guilt and shame.

Conversely being aware of how dependant he is could make the confined character resent the comparative freedom of his companion. They get to leave. They’ll survive the end of this snow-globe. They’ve never had to be alone as he was.

The companion has a lot of power in this scenario because the confined character is entirely reliant on them. They also have the power to leave. Knowing that can breed resentment, whether it’s rational or not. And if it’s irrational and ‘undeserved’ that can lead to a degree of self hatred and guilt.

For both parties anger at each other and the situation seems likely. Not necessarily all the time but I think it’s likely to come up over and over again.

The companion has their own desires and wants. But the confined character is entirely dependant on them and may well expect them to drop everything to help him/meet his socialisation needs. And the thing is that’s unfair on both of them, because the situation is unfair.

That’s not a critique of the story. It’s unfair for the confined character to expect the companion to be able to meet all his needs and to drop everything to help him. But it’s also not unreasonable for the confined character to grasp at his only option for fulfilling a fundamental need.

I think that if you wanted to treat this ‘realistically’ then it would lead to a pretty unhealthy co-dependant relationship however much both characters tried to avoid that.

But you do have the ability to reduce or avoid that in your story. Because you choose the rules for how this companion feels, acts and behaves.

The confined character may be human-like but in a lot of ways the companion does not have to be. A realistic human-like person would not be able to support all the social needs of another person. But there’s no reason the companion has to be that human.

If you do choose to deviate from a more human-like character I think my advice would be to think through any changes you make logically. And be consistent. If for instance the character can’t feel angry or resentful towards their creator think through what that might mean.

Which leaves the final question about interacting with others and how difficult that can be after periods of isolation.

The exact way this effects interactions depends chiefly on the symptoms you pick out and the character’s personality.

Generally mentally ill people do not want to be assholes or upset other people. But we do tend to have greater difficulties interacting with people and our social interactions can go badly in ways that healthy people don’t tend to experience.

For instance say we have a character who has a severe anxiety disorder and this disorder is often set off by noises they don’t expect. That’s a fairly common symptom and a fairly common trigger for it.

That means that kids running around, shouting or just talking loudly about something that excites them, could set off an anxiety attack.

Some people would get angry in that situation. Because they’re in pain and, even though they did not mean to, those kids ‘caused’ that pain.

Some people would abruptly remove themselves from the situation. Which could leave the kids wondering why/how they upset their new friend so much.

Some people would stick around and not blame the kids. But they might have visible signs of their anxiety attack that could be very frightening for a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on. If an adult they care about suddenly starts shaking and breathing hard and needs to sit down and looks pale- Well worry is natural. And it’s difficult to explain triggers/mental health problems while you’re in the middle of an anxiety attack.

So there’s a set of issues that are symptom driven and around the extra difficulties interacting while mentally ill. There’s also a set of issues around… basically forgetting how to socialise.

This doesn’t necessarily mean being age in-appropriate.

I think the best way to think about it is a combination of finding it harder to interpret other people’s emotional cues and being less aware of the cues they’re sending out themselves. It might take longer for the character to realise they’ve upset someone or they might misidentify the other person’s emotional response.

They might also think less before they speak. Which can mean things like- I guess not moderating what they say to account for other people’s feelings? They might come across as blunt or thoughtless or scatter brained as they jump from one topic to another. They might also have less of a grasp of when to give the other person space and let them speak.

The biggest thing I see survivors of solitary report is that normal social interaction makes them much more anxious/nervous then it did before they were confined. Socialising has a bigger ‘cost’ then before, in terms of energy and emotional impact.

And this often means they withdraw from it more quickly. They need to take breaks. Or they start getting more stressed and frustrated.

I think the main thing to navigate here would be how to explain these conditions and needs to children in a way that doesn’t seem like it’s blaming the kids. Which is certainly possible, but can take some time and care to get right.

I think I’ll leave it there and if you’ve got any further questions drop them in when the ask box reopens. I hope that helps :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

#writing advice #tw torture #tw suicide #tw self harm #tw cancer #fantasy ask #solitary confinement #effects of solitary confinement #isolation #writing survivors #torture survivors and relationships #unhealthy relationships #terminal illness #writing symptoms

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octonaut-belle · 3 years

Text

This is another serious post, but to me is just a bit more silly then upsetting. But I feel it’s worth an explanation, most of this is just me talking about why I’m so stuck on ADHD Kwazii and Autistic/ADHD Shellington. You’re free to ignore it. The person who sent this ask was again, in anonymous mode (probably the same person.) But I felt a stand-alone post was best.

Uuuh,

Someone

Kinda rudely (I guess?? Maybe it was pure curiosity but I dunno.) asked “are you a psychologist/therapist?” Referring to my headcanons on Kwazii and Shellington being autistic or having ADHD (or both! Depends on who ya ask!)

And the answer is... no! I’m not!

But I..

I have both of these conditions. I’m on medication for ADHD. And while considered teetering on the edge/extremely mild, I do have autism!

Of course I can’t speak very well for the whole autistic community, I only recently learned about my own diagnosis and I’m still learning!Not only that but my own diagnosis is mild, very mild, it’s called a spectrum for a reason! I only know my diagnosis and when my friends have told me about their own.

However, this is why you’ll see me using /j (joking) /s (sarcastic) /srs (serious), and more! I find it hard to tell what people mean, and I know it can be more difficult for others, I try to use them as often as possible (but only found out about them recently so if I miss one let me know) it’s why I reblog stims and tag them as visual and auditory!

The fact anyone would do this to someone.. running a blog about.. a kids show???? After the first incident about Belle I do just laugh. It’s silly to me. I’ve stated more than once I’m neurodivergent, I’ve never gotten into it passed an off handed: “I’m this!” Because it shouldn’t matter, I just am!

Let people have their headcanons, let’s them enjoy their representation, even if it’s just an idea. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: That’s why I cling to Shellington, I act like him- I share the same career, speaking patterns (though I say goodness not jumping jellyfish.) and even the same allergy. I like him because he’s me; and I doubt I’m the only person who is excited to have a character like them in popular media!

Let people be happy, these aren’t hurting you, but sending mean messages (even if this one didn’t bug me nearly as much as the first.) is just silly.

#serious post #ooc

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notabled-noodle · 2 years

Note

In response to your personal post about dissociation.. I'm a little unsure if you basically decided to leave the subject alone for now, and I'm not unwantingly butting in.. if I am, you can ofc ignore this :)

I am personally and professionally of the opinion that the dissociative disorders are some of the most under-researched, poorly understood and random designations in the diagnostic system. By no means, does this mean that I don't believe in the experiences associated with dissociation, hell, I'm a dissociative bitch myself, but I do think that it's very hard to say anything about dissociative experiences that has any solid scientific basis.

Therefore I am taking off my psychologist hat, and I'm going to share some personal first hand and second hand anecdotes that may or may not be helpful somehow.

First off about the 70% of the time feeling dissociated/disconnected from your body. With what little I know of you, I tend to contribute this at least partially to your sensory sensitivities - it sounds like "your body in the world" is not a very nice place to be, so it makes sense that you spent a lot of time out of touch with it. But in terms of anecdotes, I have a friend, a trans girl. For her a similar constant dissociation was at least partially related to gender questions, and the further she got in her transition, the more in touch she felt with her body (and emotions). I have a partner with DID, who thought they were always dissociated. When they started adhd meds some of the fog lifted, and they learned that for them there was a difference between adhd fog and dissociation that they didn't quite see previously. Another partner who is autistic and has ptsd feels disconnected from reality as a whole, and while they have a vivid rich inner life, they struggle to connect emotionally with the "real world". They are questioning schizoid pd. Personally I used to feel similarly, still do sometimes, and I think for me it was in large part due to a life-long experience of being an "outsider"/not quite human, an observer of not just the world but also "myself", and it was very meta in a distinctly prodromal psychosis way I guess ^^"

As for spicy dissociation and feeling "just not present", I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean, or rather that could mean different things to me. It could be that you experience amnesia for these episodes (thus feeling like you weren't there), it could be an experience of being on autopilot without actually decision making power, or it could be the feeling of another presence taking over temporarily (or some mix). For example I personally experience both of the latter, but not the first (blackout amnesia). But since I'm not sure what you mean by it, I won't comment much more.

In terms of the flashback triggering dissociation triggering an emotional flashback! THAT I know what you mean, like yes, that is a thing.

The way I conceptualise it, something triggers a flashback. Which is upsetting, so the brain reacts by trying to shut down via dissociation, much like it might have done at the actual traumatic event in question. And then the dissociation sticks around, not allowing you to access your emotions etc. So when the dissociation lifts, you are hit by the emotions related to the flashback.

In terms of what trauma counts for what disorder etc, sure, that can matter for an official diagnosis, but in terms of personal experience, it's honestly rather simple: Anything that you personally experienced as traumatic has the potential to cause you to have trauma reactions later - such as flashbacks, dissociation and more. (Also might wanna throw in there that it's well-established that autistic (and other differently nd) people often interpret and experience stressful events in a more traumatizing way than neurotypical counterparts.)

Losing control of your body while still having full awareness would be interpreted as a delusion of control by most psychiatrists, a symptom of psychosis. There's a lot to be said about the differences and similarities between dissociative and psychotic experiences, and once again, it's not a subject where I feel confident saying anything in a professional capacity. That said, there's a few things to look out for in understanding the nature of what's going on.

In delusions of control, the sufferer often (but not always) have an accompanying delusion about who/what is controlling them. Whether this is the case of not, delusions of control are usually (but not always) experienced as forceful and uncomfortable/scary.

When speaking of personal and secondhand experiences of both identity dissociation, compartmentalization and delusions of control, I tend to think that it's "open to personal interpretation of the experience".

If the experience is more in the realm of "someone else takes over for a while but it's cool" I'm not super worried. Whereas if the experience is that of losing control of your body, being unable to influence what you do/say, potentially accompanied by a sense of external control, I would be worried, both because that's not a nice feeling and also because I associate that with delusions of control (psychosis).

Personally I feel that the fact that psychiatry only ever offered me one explanation for my identity/control fuckery (as part of psychosis, something to exterminate), while I also felt alienated by the language/discourse surrounding dissociative disorders, lead me down some dark paths in the past..

These days I/we are pretty ok on the whole thing, but yeah...

Dunno if any of that was helpful at all?

I have kind of decided just to leave it be, as in… I’m not actively seeking out answers. but I am still mulling it over and trying to think of the best way to describe my symptoms. so no active discovery, just passive thought.

it does make a lot of sense that both my gender and my sensory issues would contribute to dissociation. and, you know, my chronic pain might have something to do with it too, if my brain has decided that dissociation is a coping mechanism. in terms of all that, I think the best I can do is try to look after my sensory needs and my pain needs and see if that helps reduce the dissociation? we’ll see

I haven’t experienced amnesia for several years, and the spicy dissociation is what seems to have replaced the episodes of amnesia. it’s like I’m half here and half on a different planet. the half that’s here is on autopilot, and the half on a different planet is thinking through fog. it’s hard to explain, but yeah that’s the situation

thanks for explaining about the emotional flashbacks being triggered by the lifting of dissociation! that explanation makes a lot of sense to me, and seems to be accurate to my experiences

it also makes sense that autism would make me more susceptible to ending up traumatised. I’ve read a bit about that before, but I’ve never really applied it to myself, because my trauma has been really unusual (in that it’s happened in bits and pieces). I’ve only started questioning it all now because my mum thinks that I can’t possibly be traumatised compared to what caused her trauma and… yeah. I don’t know.

hmm and about the delusion of control… it doesn’t feel great at all. it feels like I’m on the inside of a robot, and some supervillain in the distance has decided to manipulate what the robot does. I’m screaming internally, but the robot doesn’t listen to me, it just does other shit. nothing dangerous — usually it just makes me say things or eat something I wouldn’t normally eat. it is very uncomfortable though and I wish it wouldn’t happen!

I do have some psychosis associated with my OCD, so I don’t know if this is possibly a part of that or if it’s unrelated. my OCD psychosis wasn’t considered bad enough for me to be on anti-psychotics or anything, so it generally freaks me out but is mild. it’s usually just that I can feel ghosts touching my body, and then I have a compulsion to get rid of the ghosts

yeah, anyway — thanks for the input! from what little research I’ve done, it does seem like a very messy area in terms of distinguishing what’s going on

#dissociation #tw psychosis #asks #tw ocd

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greatqueenanna · 7 months

Note

Hey, sorry about that Anon that sent you hate about the "Hans is a sociopath" thing, that's not a cool look for the Hans/Helsa fandom and not at all acceptable (and kinda accidentally reinforces the take they hate--that sociopath is just a label assigned to villains arbitrarily). I do want to talk about this though, because your post did make me uncomfortable even though it was well-researched and thought out.

tw: abuse mentions

Personally, I am hesitant to assign that label to Hans because he is a villain/antagonist (that's literally his role in Frozen, I say that as a Hans stan who believes he could be more in the future) and 1) sociopathy is a real behavioral disorder that the narrative will misuse to continue to justify why Hans deserves to be a punching bag, and 2) a lot of the 'sociopathic' behaviors he displays are also behaviors displayed by abuse/neglect victims, and additional content supports that he was abused. "Hans is a sociopath" and "Hans was abused" are equally canon takes that the narrative does not treat respectfully. Which take people "prefer" likely depends on whether and HOW they relate to Hans (or Anna/Elsa).

Jen Lee herself has also said that Hans is a product of being 'raised without love' so in full context, there is uncomfortable territory of "if Hans is a sociopath... does that mean he deserved to be abused and unloved?". Narrative seems to support this as we continually see gag takes of him being hit or purposefully excluded in ways that other villains aren't. I very disagree that Jen Lee "likes" that Hans is a sociopath or is "excited" about it. It reads heavily like justification to keep him Disney's punching bag to me.

I think people need to learn to better articulate what makes them upset/uncomfortable about some takes, instead of jumping to becoming abusive themselves. You can step back, take a breath, analyze and THEN respond in a healthy constructive way, guys. And if you can't, then don't engage at all, it is not worth hurting yourself AND someone else.

I understand your concerns here. This is one of the reasons I reached out to my friend, BG (who is actually diagnosed with ASPD, the DSM-5 name for sociopathy), to ask for his opinion before actually writing my analysis of Hans' character and sociopathy. The comments here and here are from him and are not my own opinions or thoughts. BG is also a psychologist, who works with others who have ASPD. He's knowledgeable on this subject, from personal experience and the experience of others. I also want to say that I myself have worked in Special Education for 6 years, and I am neurodivergent - thus, I want to reassure you that I am not coming at this subject completely new.

I also understand where you're coming from in terms of using the diagnosis as a way to 'misuse to continue to justify why Hans deserves to be a punching bag.' As soon as the label is used, most people become repulsed - including Hans fans. BG and I also both agree that Jennifer Lee obviously romanticized the label when she was writing Hans. She saw it as a way to make Hans more 'interesting' than the usual Disney villains, rather than respecting it as an actual diagnosis. That is what BG meant when he said that Jennifer Lee loves the label - that she finds it cool and takes pride that she was able to include the behavioral elements and have it relate to the overall themes.

You are also correct that Hans is both an abuse victim and a sociopath. Sociopathy is typically the result of abuse, after all, thus it makes sense that he is both. Jennifer Lee also makes this very clear, in the quote you also mentioned. Thus, I do not believe that it was her intention to say that sociopaths deserve to be treated poorly - she just chose to use it as a way to make Hans 'more interesting'. Which is also very problematic, just in a very different way.

However, I'm not trying to be obtuse here - I do realize that Hans was only even considered to be written as a sociopath because he was a villain. Sociopathic behaviors are always associated with villainy, after all. Most of society has an overall lack of understanding from both sides, empaths, and sociopaths. BG explained it well here -

Empaths always make us out to be villains or funny anti-heroes because they can’t fathom our behaviors being used for good. It’s a reality we face, especially in this day and age when feelings and being empathetic dominate the social world. There is no easy way to showcase a sociopath being a hero within empath standards.

I agree that Hans is treated differently. However, I wrote here what the reason for that is, and its not because he is a sociopath (since most casual fans do not even know this aspect of Hans' personality), its because of the realistic implications and emotions of his character, which we still have to acknowledge -

I think the reason for this treatment is because of the uniqueness of Hans’ overall character. Not only was he a twist villain, but he was a romantic interest for Anna - making him a little too realistic for many people. Yes, characters like Frollo and Gaston also share the qualities of men trying to take advantage of women, and Mother Gothel does indeed show signs of a realistic abusive parent. But they’re shown since the beginning that they are villainous, which helps the audience know to emotionally disconnect from them. This is the same for most villains. Hans was shown to be desirable and then changed, which is what realistically happens when people are trapped in abusive relationships. We form attachments to these types of people and it’s hard to just disconnect. It’s difficult to just place him as a 'deliciously fun’ Disney villain with the others when he hits too close to home. This is why we see less of a fun side to him, and why we are often just shown him being a punching bag. Hans didn’t just betray Anna, he betrayed the audience as well.

Hans is overall a very difficult and nuanced character to discuss, not only because of the villainization of ASPD and the lack of acknowledgment of his abuse, but also because of real-life abuse victims who have dealt with people who acted like Hans (with or without ASPD). Thus, it creates this strange limbo with him because both sides are valid here. People who display toxic behaviors (again, with or without ASPD) deserve to have their stories validated, but the people they abused also have the right to be validated as well, and even more so because they didn't do anything wrong to deserve the toxic treatment in the first place. It's a very difficult subject no matter how you choose to approach it.

With all this being said, I understand that it is a very nuanced topic that can be uncomfortable, however, ignoring a canon aspect of Hans' personality and not acknowledging it is just as problematic as treating it as a villainous trait. It shows that we are not willing to actually discuss it, and would rather ignore it because it's easier to.

#long post #greatqueenanna/responses #hans #prince hans

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lixiefe · 4 years

Text

Can’t Touch - k.sm

Chapter Eleven: Dr.Chan

Words: 1.3k

Disclaimer: I’ve been treated at home and probably in a different way since I was an uncommon case. Furthermore, I’ve tried making Seungmin’s character a little more severe than mine, so there could be many differences (also I wasn’t much among the ‘touch’ case). I don’t really know what happens in clinics, so I’ve wrote this depending on whatever I remember from when I was questioned- and a little alteration of course.

Warning: none

After that, you didn’t have much communication with your husband who’d engrossed himself into working even more than before. You spent the next few days without any trace of him. Seungmin only came at midnight and left earlier than you’d wake up. Of course, you felt as if it was your fault. Only if you hadn’t held his hand, he wouldn’t be avoiding you like that.

But you didn’t know he wasn’t upset at you in the slightest.

He was upset at himself and at his weak attempt of controlling himself. The feeling of your warm hand tangled with his was scripted into his mind. Not the negative effects of it, but the heavenly feeling of warmth and comfort that he found in you. Your hands had been so warm, so soft and reassuring that he craved the feel of it; again and again. But that’s such a wishful desire.

And he’d decided to ditch half of his work and dump it onto his oh-so-helpful friend. So that he could spare time for the scheduled appointment with the psychologist. And he proceeded to ignore Jisung’s pretentious whines (Jisung was more than happy that he accepted his suggestion) and slipped a sanitizer bottle in his pocket.

----

“Mr. Kim Seungmin!”

Seungmin’s eyes snapped up as the receptionist hollered his name. He got up from his seat and made his way to the door labeled ‘Mr. Bahng’. He took a shaky breath, mentally readying himself as the nurse opened the door for him. As he turned inside, he was instantly faced with an extremely pale man who’d looked not much older than himself. Seeing him, the man offered a dimpled smile that stretched gracefully into a bow-like shape. Seungmin smiled in return.

“Kim Seungmin-ssi, Jisung has told me much about you,” He said, standing up as he gestured the latter to take a seat with his hand. Seungmin timidly made his way to the seat, bending down as he made himself comfortable.

“Please call me Chan,” the doctor stated with a friendly posture.

“Seungmin,” he said with a pursued smile.

Mr.bahng- no, Chan- seemed to be quite cordial, much like the eminent social-butterfly Han. He was glad that it wasn’t an old man with conspicuous amount of degrees and a not-friendly attitude. Seungmin observed that the man had dirty blonde hair, and other than the latter himself, the room itself was dark; almost everything was themed around black. He thought Chan’s outfit choice of all-black under the white coat was also influenced by color, and not style.

‘He must really like black.’

“I already know a bit about you, but I’d like to ask you myself.” Chan said, the smile on his face never-withering. Seungmin felt his hands sweating for unknown reasons. Maybe he was antsy about someone else knowing about him and his inability, or maybe, it’s been so long since he first socialized. ‘No, I need to trust him.’ Seungmin assured himself.

“You need to answer me truthfully, yeah? I’d like to have a better bond with you so that you could trust me, but you said you had limited time,” Chan stated, a little down. Seungmin doesn’t answer, only nodding his head as a signal for him to continue. Chan put aside the file in front of him, trying to look for any trace of unexpected emotions in Seungmin’s face. As his mind dinged with a positive green ‘go’ light, he continued.

“You feel fear when being in touch with someone, right? Can you tell me more about that?”

Seungmin chews the inside of his mouth, trying to recall the dismal memories. He mentally grimaced at himself.

“It’s hard to describe. I feel very- well, irrational. And there’s this constant cycle of same thoughts. I feel like, if this goes on, I might faint. It makes me feel crazy. I can’t breathe properly, it feels like my heart is going to get burnt.” Seungmin elaborates. He sees the clinician ponder with a serious expression.

“Do you feel afraid of any kind of contact that includes bare skin?” Chan questioned to which Seungmin mildly nodded. He couldn’t remember any fatal disquiets when there was a barrier of fabric between him and the others. “And you do realize that this is your mind speaking and that the thoughts are unnatural?”

“Yes,” Seungmin positively replied. “I am aware how silly my thoughts and behavior is. But being aware does not help my impulses like it is supposed to.”

Seungmin watched as Chan scribbled something on a stray piece of paper. But he was not able to read the slightest of it. He speculated that Chan was keeping a record of his answers and symptoms. I think that’s how it works.

“Behind this fear lie many thoughts such as the danger that germs may be spread or that another person may be dirty or that you may infect another person with your germs of dirt. It is important to realize that none of these thoughts are realistic but are based on fear, which you do and it is great.” Chan stated as a matter of fact. He set his pen down. Seungmin guessed that he will be questioned more. But he was proved wrong when Chan went straight to the point. “According to what Jisung has told me and what I’m hearing, you are suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder.” Seungmin squinted his eyes at him as his head tilted with confusion. Chan offered a prim smile as he continued.

“An obsession is defined as a repetitive kind of thinking that is driven by anxiety. Repetitive thoughts may include the fear that there are germs and other people could spread infections. A compulsion is a repetitive activity such as wanting to avoid touching, kissing or hugging other people based on the fear of germs. Obsessions and compulsions can take many forms. OCD works both ways so that a person may fear being touched or touching other people.” Chan demonstrated. Seungmin intently listened to the latter, not uttering a word. As Chan was finished with his explanation, Seungmin nodded.

“Have you ever tried to resist this feeling?”

“I have tried, but that didn’t work out long. I- I tried to block out my mind and try being physical but-” Seungmin looked down, he couldn’t find words to continue speaking. He wanted to say more, recalling his incident with you. He still remembered the distress radiating off of you when he rushed away and the guilt of pushing you away. But should he say that?

“You are a person who wants to touch and be touched. It is just that this OCD gets in your way of enjoying normal social interaction.” The older says. Seungmin was stunned that Chan could guess the feelings that lay underneath him. Chan meekly smiled, triumphant; as he saw the amazed state of the other.

It was an effective sign that he has tried resisting himself, and his mind. It only expressed his dislike towards the side effects and dire want of riddance. And it was an advantage on both sides.

“What exactly encouraged you to come here?”

That question had Seungmin taken aback. He knew why he felt the need to fix himself, but was there only one reason? He couldn’t pinpoint. He didn’t know exactly how many people were bothered by him, but never objected. People such as Jisung, his high school friends, his mother. Or you.

“Everything. Family, friends and,” he paused, mind transferring back to your reaction. Chan raised a brow, an indicative smirk evident on his face as he asked, “And?”

Seungmin looked down as he replied, “Han Jisung.”

Chan’s face dropped as soon as the words escaped Seungmin’s lips. His expectations stooped down low; he was in for the real deal, but what was Seungmin doing. Without a second thought, he mindlessly blurted out his thoughts. “That is not what Jisung told me.”

Seungmin stared at him blankly, one eyebrow raised as he contemplated what his sly friend had revealed about him. His trust towards Jisung seemed to be irritated that they were not given proper privacy. “For real?”

Chan awkwardly faked a cough as he shook his head sideways. “No, I mean, don’t you have a significant someone?”

Seungmin could guess where this was heading and what exactly the other wanted to squeeze out of him. But, oh well. “What about it?” Seungmin said with monotone.

Chan felt intimidated at his indifferent expression. He put on an untroubled façade as he suddenly forced a laugh, trying to ease the growing tension that emitted from Seungmin. “Nothing, nothing. Haha.” He said.

Seungmin cleared his throat, deciding upon revealing what Chan probably already knew. “I do get these occasional urges to touch her. As in, holding her hand, or maybe sensing how her cheeks felt. It’s confusing really.”

Chan didn’t expect him to expose himself like that. But he was glad for the minimal amount of trust the other had for him. This wasn’t exactly related to the diagnosis, but it was an important factor for the treatment.

“Thank you very much for telling me. You should know that factors like this are pretty advantageous for you.” Chan smiled warmly. “I should let you know about your treatment. First, there is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in which you are taught methods to stop engaging in these thoughts and activities. Second, there are anti- depressant medications that provide huge help in relieving depression, anxiety and the OCD symptoms.”

Chan paused, scribbling something on that same paper again. Seungmin tried to peek at what he was writing, but couldn’t get a better view. “The best combination of treatment is medication and psychotherapy.” Seungmin jumped in surprise when Chan suddenly spoke, which integrated an amused chuckled from the latter.

“Thank you very much,” Seungmin thanked him with sincerity. He felt a strange emerge of hope as Chan ensured that it was very much treatable. Maybe, he could finally give in to his wishes. Maybe, he could feel normal again.

Chan held up his hands in surrender, his lips forming a wide grin as he chuckled again. “Oh my god. No need to thanks me. When are you free for the next meet up?”

Seungmin pondered for a while. When was he free? It wouldn’t be wise to schedule an appointment when there was scarcely available time for himself. He recollected that the ending date of the project was not far away. It would be best to start on his recovering journey after the bustle ends.

“Approximately two weeks later. I would give you a call.”

Chan nods with agreement, taking out a card from his drawer before sliding it towards Seungmin.

“Jisung has a whole deck of them,” Seungmin laughed at the all-too-familiar card, still taking it as he stored it inside his coat pocket. Seungmin looked at the other curiously, not blinking. Chan leaned back in fright even though Seungmin was nowhere near him. Seungmin hesitantly opened his mouth, hands folding on his lap.

“How did you meet that clumsy excuse of a man?”

I don’t like this chapter.

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