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lostloveletters · 2 months

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Damn Yankees (Bucky Egan x OFC)

Summary: The Great American Pastime puts Sergeant Holly Dean and Major Bucky Egan’s friendship to the test when her struggling Nationals play yet another game against his beloved Yankees.

Note: I introduce you to Miss Thing herself. By the way, the Yankees and the Nationals (also interchangeably referred to as The Senators back then) played 8 or so games against each other in mid-to-late June 1943, which I don’t think is a point of accuracy anyone cares that much about. Anyway, do not interact if you’re under 18, terf or radfem, or post thinspo/ED content.

Word count: 2k

Warnings: Inevitable historical and technical inaccuracies. Internalized thoughts about death and loss. Holly and Bucky are extremely annoying about baseball so if that’s not your thing…

Holly didn’t flinch when the door to the Air Exec office abruptly opened, and she didn’t have to look up from her typewriter to see who pulled up a chair in front of her desk and made himself comfortable.

“Morning, Bucky,” she said.

“It’s a good morning to be a Yankees fan, Holly.”

The first time Major John Egan walked through the office door, restlessness radiated off of him. Holly didn’t understand why he was assigned to Air Exec in the first place. He didn’t seem to either, but he gravitated toward her, initially amazed at how quickly she could type. When the novelty of that wore off, her feverish devotion to the Washington Nationals made him hang around anyway.

“You’re not even from New York."

“Sure, but who doesn’t love a team that wins?”

She bristled at his gloating. “Being a Nats fan builds character.”

“You know what they say about Washington, first in war, first in peace, and last in the American League.”

“We’re second this year,” she reminded him.

Mostly because all of the good baseball players enlisted, including Bucky’s hero Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio, who had enlisted the USAAF earlier that spring. Bucky hoped he’d get assigned to Thorpe Abbotts at some point. Holly figured he’d stay stateside as a fitness instructor.

“Behind the Yankees,” he said.

“We’ll see after tonight’s game.”

“We’ve been wiping the floor with you.”

She scoffed. “Wiping the floor? It’s been pretty even wins.”

“You tell yourself that.”

“Well, we’re gonna win tonight.”

“Wanna bet?” he asked.

The incessant clicking from her typewriter stopped as she lifted her gaze to him. “When the Nationals win tonight, you have to do all of my filing tomorrow.”

“Alright.” He rapped his knuckles against the top of her desk as he considered his wager. “When the Yankees win tonight, you’ll do as much of my paperwork as I can get away with giving you tomorrow.”

Holly stuck out her hand. “Deal.”

Bucky gave it a firm shake. “Looking forward to my day off.”

“I’ll bring a radio to the hardstand tonight. Woody’s gonna be working late on Brady’s fort, so you can eat your words when no one else is around.”

“More like you’ll want Woody to tell you a joke to cheer you up when the Nationals lose again.”

Easy-going Woody was the perfect chaperone. Otherwise unnecessary, considering Holly and Bucky were both adults, but Holly quickly learned that just about everyone at Thorpe Abbotts had an opinion as to what constituted acceptable behavior between a man and a woman. She already had enough people talking about her, anyway.

Colonel Huglin approached, making a beeline for Bucky.

Holly resumed her typing without missing a beat, keys clicking along with the others in the room. “Good morning, Colonel,” Holly greeted.

“Good morning, Sergeant Dean,” he said, kindly enough. “Major Egan, I need to speak with you in my office.”

“‘Course, Colonel.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Major,” Holly said.

Bucky smiled, giving her a nod. “Sure will, Sarge.”

The game was technically at one in the afternoon on the East Coast, but the time difference made it a night game for those listening across the ocean. Unless Bucky got held up by Huglin, she knew he’d be there. He practically had the Yankees’ schedule memorized.

——

The summer sun wasn’t close to setting by the time the game crept up and Holly made her way to the hardstand. She kept the portable radio tucked securely under her arm while she walked. Silently prayed she wouldn’t somehow trip on the way and smash the radio to pieces just because she wanted to listen to a baseball game.

Woody waved at her in the distance, arm sweeping excitedly through the air.

“I haven’t seen you all day!” Holly shouted.

“Too long to go without seeing the likes of you!” Woody yelled back.

Woody, of course, being Private Kate Woodward, part of Ken Lemmons’ ground crew and her best friend on base, probably in general, the more she thought about it. Blonde hair in twin braids, green eyes that glistened with determination, grease smudged on her face, and a wrench in hand, Woody was practically the poster girl for the fearless wartime woman, in Holly’s biased opinion.

“What brings you to my humble hardstand?”

“Bucky and I are gonna listen to the Nationals-Yankees game. He has to do my filing tomorrow if the Nats win,” Holly said.

Woody laughed. “Good luck.” She scratched her forehead, marking her face with another streak of grease. “Just so you know, Brady might be coming out here later.”

“Checking on his fort?”

“I think he doesn’t trust me or something. He’s been coming around almost every day to see how the repairs are going,” Woody said. “I’m certainly not complaining about his company, though.”

“I’m sure.”

“Maybe one of these days he’ll give me a personal tour of his cockpit.”

Holly choked out a laugh, covering her mouth with her free hand. “Woody!”

“Get your head out of the gutter. I’m strictly talking planes here.” Woody grinned. “Your Yankee’s pulling up.”

Bucky parked the jeep next to the women, raising an eyebrow at Holly’s attempts to stifle her giggles. She handed him the radio as she climbed into the passenger seat.

“Hey Woody, how’s it going?” Bucky asked.

“It’s going, Major.”

He nodded toward the plane in question. “Everything coming along okay?”

“Just like Kenny said, it looks a lot worse than it is. It’ll be back in the air in no time.”

“Wouldn’t expect any less from you guys.”

She shook her head, an amused smile on her face. “I oughta get back to it. You have fun doing Holly’s filing tomorrow.”

“Hey, I thought we were friends!” Bucky shouted as Woody jogged away, leaving them to listen to the game.

Holly took the radio from Bucky, setting it on her lap. “I’ve used this one before,” she said. “It should pick up the station well enough.”

“How’d you get that out here?”

“Said it was your orders.” She smiled, tuning the radio until the boisterous announcer’s voice emerged from the speaker and nearly drowned out Bucky’s laughter.

“It’s a beautiful afternoon here in the nation’s capital folks! We’ve got the New York Yankees in DC up against the Nationals at Griffith Stadium. Now, the Nats have been down the past two games, but we’re hoping they’ll be able to rally this time around—”

“Is Early the starting catcher?”

“Yeah, pretty sure he is.”

“There’s a National I like.”

“‘Cause he’s the only person who might be chattier than you.”

“It’s one hell of a distraction strategy.”

“You’d know,” she joked, lightly elbowing him in the side.

Jake Early was one of Holly’s favorite players on the Nationals. Not a great hitter, but one hell of a catcher who took to imitating radio announcers and auctioneers or even singing to throw off opposing batters. It was one of the highlights of watching a Nats game in person, in her opinion.

“Have you ever been to a Yankees game?” she asked.

He nodded. “A couple. Listening on the radio is one thing, but seeing them in action? I felt like I got struck by lightning. How about you?”

“I went to a few Nats games every season growing up, but Stan and I went on a lot of dates to home games. One time he nearly broke his hand catching a ball that got hit into our section.”

Bucky shook his head. “What a souvenir, though.”

He knew about Stan. Everyone did. Bucky had the sense to not walk on eggshells if she brought him up. Holly had taken the news better than most people expected. She and Stan had a long discussion about it before he shipped out. Allowed herself to cry at night for a week or so afterward, but pulled herself together and pushed forward. At least, she tried to.

Every now and then, her sailor’s bloated corpse would inevitably be dredged up for curious newcomers to Thorpe Abbotts. Her ears rang with the whispers, always some variation of, ‘Her fiance—Navy, I think—yeah, at Midway—I know—poor girl.’ Stanley Conway’s ghost did little more than serve as an explanation to strangers as to why his former fiance could be…weird was the nicest way someone put it, though a plethora of less than complimentary adjectives had been applied to her and her odd behavior over the past year.

But Bucky liked her. Hung around her even when he wasn’t working in the office. Sometimes her melancholy made him do more of the heavy lifting conversationally. If he minded, he never told her. His friendship made it tough for her to remember to refer to him as Major Egan and not just Bucky, sometimes. Stan would be proud of this Holly, though, the one who made stupid bets on baseball games with an officer.

Bucky took out his flask, taking a swig before offering it to her. She regretted how quickly she accepted, her throat burning as she shoved it back in his hands.

“What is that?” she hissed.

“Whiskey.”

“That’s not whiskey.” She coughed. “You could put that in the gas tank and drive into town with it.”

“You’ve got the taste of a sailor, that’s what the issue here is. Should’ve joined the WAVES if you wanted rum.”

“I was going to. Stan said he didn’t think it’d be a good idea for us to be in the same branch and all that,” she said. “I kinda wish I had. The Service League is almost better than the Majors right now, especially the Navy league since they got Ted Williams.”

He balked. “You sound just like Crank! And DiMaggio’s in the Army league—he’s one of us!”

“So what? If it’s about who’s the best, Crank’s got a point, Williams can bat 400 no sweat.”

“DiMaggio did during his ‘41 streak.”

“Yeah, during his streak. Williams ended the whole ‘41 season with 406.”

“I was gonna be nice and drive you back after the Nats lose. You can walk, toots,” he half-joked.

“Woody can drive me,” she said, turning to glance behind her. Between the dusk and distance, she couldn’t tell if Brady had made his way out there yet. “I’m staying out here with her, anyway.”

“Want me to hang around?”

“If you want.”

“I’m asking what you want.”

She hummed, slouching back in her seat, a far away expression on her face. “I want the Nats to win.”

Bucky slouched against her, shoulder-to-shoulder. Glanced between her face and the radio a few times, hoping the Nationals would pull off something big for her.

He didn’t pry for details. Wasn’t quite sure how to ask her about it. Part of him was too afraid to know. He was afraid of a lot of things he’d never admit, but the place Holly drifted off to terrified him. So he took it upon himself to get her out of there. He talked about the game. And how he won the bicycles for Buck. And that he was just kidding when he said he wouldn’t drive her back to the womens’ barracks—couldn’t leave her and Woody out by themselves, after all.

Bucky didn't know how much time had passed before Holly finally spoke again.

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

He blinked. “For what?”

“You know.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I mean, the Yankees are down bad, and I’m having a ball,” he said. “So you’re apologizing for nothing, doll.”

He felt like someone poured club soda over his brain when she smiled, brown eyes glimmering gold. His gaze fell to her lips, his tongue darting out between his own for a moment. His shadow fell over her like a blanket as he leaned closer.

“And it’s strike three, you’re out for the Yankees in the top of the ninth!” The announcer’s voice blared through the radio, nearly making him jump in his seat. “That’s the game folks! The Washington Nationals win on their home turf against the New York Yankees—“

“We won! Oh my god, we won!” Holly sat up, nearly knocking the radio off of her lap in her excitement. She landed a few playful punches on his arm. “Take that, Egan!”

He rolled his eyes, smiling nevertheless. “It’s a good thing the Nats don’t win more often, because you’re the sorest winner I’ve ever met.”

“You can dish it out, but you can’t take it. That’s what I’m hearing.”

“Hey, I’m a man of my word. I’ll do your filing tomorrow,” he said, bringing his flask to his lips. “Damn Yankees.”

#bucky egan x oc #bucky egan x ofc #bucky egan #john egan #john egan x oc #john egan x ofc #masters of the air #masters of the air x oc #masters of the air x ofc #mota x oc #mota x ofc #mota fanfic #hbo war fanfic #hbo war #ch: holly

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prettyboysdontlookatexplosions · 4 months

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*gets you talking about education* so in what way is education Fucked Up that the public doesn't get right?

i’ve been thinking about this ask for months trying to come up with an answer that is not just me complaining incoherently for 3000000 words and while i could go a lot of places with this, the one i personally think the most about is that the public mostly thinks that teachers have received training on the best ways to teach things, and they haven’t. source: my bullshit ass master’s degree in general and special education, which taught me in particular so little about any actual disabilities that the fact that i could legally teach a special ed class after receiving it is like, horrifying to me. my degree was a lot of talking about feelings and diversity and naming ideas of things you could potentially do in the classroom, and no actual instruction in what we know about the best way to teach particular subjects or even about how to evaluate potentially relevant resources. one time we read an article that said kids with ADHD do best in traditional classroom set-ups with desks in rows and no “centers” where kids have to move around, and in my small group devoted to designing a classroom for kids with ADHD a classmate of mine was like, “i didn’t do the reading but what about [the opposite of what the reading said]?” and in ed school disagreeing with someone is basically akin to setting them on fire physically so i didn’t say anything and then the professor - you know, the one who assigned this reading - was just like, “great! :)” zero accountability for learning any content at basically any point in my degree. almost zero actual content taught. like it’s so bad. the public tends to view teachers as either highly trained professionals or lazy sociopaths who don’t care but my experience is that the vast majority of teachers in public and private schools alike are hard-working and caring people doing their best with a difficult task they have been given no meaningful high quality training for - but unfortunately since they do have master’s degrees they do tend to think they have a certain degree of expertise.

in particular the public assumes that elementary school teachers have been themselves taught how to teach kids how to read, and not only have they not been taught how to teach kids how to read, they have often been taught ideas about reading that stand in total contradiction to our best scientifically derived hypotheses about how children learn how to read. for the millionth time i recommend checking out the podcast (with high quality transcripts available) sold a story. emily hanford’s reporting has taught me more about reading than the degree i am still paying for ever did and i have considered seeking therapy to process how angry i am about that.

anyway, i’m posting this now because i saw another fucking post that was like “actually they do teach all the skills you want them to teach, it’s called high school english class” which makes me insane because test prep tutoring high school kids has really hammered home that teachers in rich private schools reliably fail to pick up on the fact that a lot of teenagers struggle with any degree of textual complexity to a degree that in any text from the nineteenth century even individual sentences pose problems. the most expensive high schools in the country are graduating kids who can’t independently parse five paragraphs of an abraham lincoln speech and their faculty members don’t even know it. but sure english teachers are routinely and successfully teaching critical thinking if only those damn 15 year olds weren’t too fucking lazy to pay attention. “lol.”

#askbox

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cmkren · 1 year

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“You say I want to be Your Girlfriend! It wasn’t really in my plans…”

— girlfriend; Hemlocke Springs

;Usagi Yuzuha x Fem + AFAB! Reader hcs

Usagi relationship headcanons where you two are both silly and goofy— that’s it, that’s the post. Basically how you two get together! Romance blossoming in the Borderlands, what a strange turn of events…

a/n; i am coping rn cause i have a maths chapter test in like 9 hours and i am not prepared im so bad at math. Anyways this is just gonna be some fluff. ♥️♥️♥️ very messy post because im super tired tho,,,

So… who’d be the first one to confess? 🤔

Read to find out !! 😋

Jk its kinda both of you but mainly Usagi

You two would probably meet early on, maybe in the tag game where the two of you catch each other’s eye and agree to travel together <3

You’d be there by Usagi’s side as you both live day by day, and when you find the sweaty lookin’ guy from the Tag game lying on the ground all depressed you two kind of take him in

You two mama birds just kinda adopt the guy

Usagi ends up taking care of most of the hunting while you do mostly everything else

You’re the one who tries to force feed Arisu even when he refused it

Usagi kept you from choking the poor guy.

Y’all are basically tied at the hip tho

Which also soon includes Arisu

(But you n Usagi are closer shh dont tell him that)

Things pretty much stay the same between you two until y’all arrive at The Beach (cue thunder strike)

With this whole sort of place that seems like it was capable of running actual electricity and shit you wanted to do smth special!!

“Do you think we can use their kitchen?!”

“Y/N we’re literally duct taped to chairs right now.”

“She’s got a point though Usagi— I’m kinda craving like… cookies.”

That was the small talk the three of you had before the whole dramatic intro of the Beach and its top goobers

After that whole shenanigan, you and Usagi insist on sharing the same room

It was just a lot more comfortable for the two of you

This place gave you the creeps ngl

That meant a lot of late night talks

Well, as many as y’all got before shit hit the fan again

You two always talked about what you’d do when you finally get to leave. Visit each other every day, maybe even get a place together? Usagi couldn’t bare to live in her old place ever since her father disappeared

You knew everything about that as well

Just from the few months you two shared together, you guys knew a lot about each other

You even promised her that you’d help her get back into climbing

Maybe indoor climbing first for you though

The more you two spent time with one another though, the more the two of you caught yourself… lingering

Whether it be longing looks or touches, it’d always be done subconsciously and end up with someone a little flustered

Arisu caught on though and asked wtf was going on

You, of course, blew him off

After the hearts game though, you two immediately ran for each other

Both battered and bruised, you clung to her as she scanned you over for anything that might have been fatal

Usagi cries out in relief to see that you’re okay

“Where were you? Where were you? What would I do with myself if I lost you too? What would I do? I can’t lose a person I love—”

That made you sit up.

“You— you love me?”

Usagi couldn’t help but let out a choked smile to see that incredulous expression on your face

Well she can’t really deny it, can she?

You could only hug her tighter with tears welling in your eyes, the pain of everyone that’d been slaughtered would only remain in all of you forever but maybe the seeds of healing had already been planted for you two as you pressed a kiss against her cheek

You two were peas in a pod.

You protected those you loved, worked together to achieve your goals

And when Usagi struggled to understand why going back to the real world would be any better than the world they were forced to fight to live in, you couldn’t understand

But you tried to

The strong woman you’d grown so used to seeing so level headed hid in your arms as she held back tears

Listening to every pained doubt, choked out words

You were there for her

And no doubt, she’d hold you taut against her whenever you needed it too.

You helped Usagi get over her doubts and fears of returning to the living world, ensuring her that she wouldn’t be alone in dealing with her troubles

And that— not if— but when you two return, you’ll celebrate like you’ve never before

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basuralindo · 8 months

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You'll Have Me Rise ch.16 is up!

And I finally got to properly include Cater! (he's kind of a crossover from @terrible-eel's Trey/Cater fic!)

This time it's also featuring editing by @kamikazequail, so, if you notice an overall improvement in the polish, you know who to thank!

Also, thank you to everyone for being so supportive and patient this past week. It's been hellish, but you've all been great, and I'm glad to be able to pull back and put some time into something nice for a bit.

Now, I know I'm missing a few chapter notes that I wanted to mention on this, but I've been trying and failing to remember them since last night so I'm giving up for now (just leave a comment if you wanna hear my thoughts on something specific). Anyway the rest, as always, is under the cut

-Soooo about my "Kalim grew up around brutal assassination attempts and his only friend was a trained killer and overall he's just completely desensitized to graphic or spooky shit" theory? Slasher films must be more chill than his last family reunion,

-Hey so did I mention I love Cater and Lilia? This was my first time trying to write them, and I feel like it was clumsy, but I really wanted to show an outside view of Kalim and Jamil's dynamic through someone who's more familiar with modern human society. I feel like anyone observing these guys interact is eventually gonna experience that skincrawling dread of "something is not okay at home"

-Also yeah I imagine Jamil having the most deeply uncomfortable vibes once he's in his own environment. Like, the housewarden chambers is where he doesn't usually have to perform and mask for other people the same way, so once he drops the act a bit there's gotta be some sinister, angry detached shit under it all. Not to mention all the hostile magic woven into the area to protect Kalim. Kalim, of course, is desensitized to all this because that's just what his lifelong friend feels like. It's probably cozy

-Oh? The scarabia duo starting to develop wildly different english dialects as they spend more time with people of their choosing instead of assigned company? Big time side agenda to show an immediately perceivable metric of them growing into themselves separate of each other as time goes on? Couldn't be

-Speaking of language: I think I've mentioned before that Jamil allows himself to admit ignorance and ask questions to Azul more, because Azul always takes him seriously and doesn't try to embarrass him for not knowing a word or phrase. There's trust and respect there. With Cater he's also asking more questions because he knows Cater has been helping to tutor Kalim with some decent success, and is willing to test the waters a bit. Partially because he can barely keep up with Cater's lingo and is treating it like learning a new dialect, which he knows he'll need some help figuring out.

-Notes on their speech: Jamil focuses a little obsessively on impeccable grammar, vocab, and pronunciation in the hopes of not giving anyone more material to criticize him. He struggles more with casual lingo and slangs because of this (and not socializing much in general), and is afraid to fuck up at contractions so he tends to drop them when stressed/flustered or over text (some are easier than others, like I'm and it's vs don't and won't). Since he mostly learns from Azul lately, his speech skews even more towards formal and anachronistic. Kalim isn't that concerned with accuracy. He likes to socialize and starts up casual conversation easily, so he picks up a lot more slangs and dialectical quirks but doesn't apply himself to learning "proper" english much. He's able to navigate casual conversation well, but often fucks up at unfamiliar vocab and grammar rules, and doesn't sweat correct use of things like conjunctions so long as he can get the general point across. Cater helps him out a lot, so he picks up a lot of Cater's terminology and cadence and ends up sounding much more modern than Jamil. So, their differences in speech aren't a matter of intellect, just a difference in learning style and social values.

-So, Cater's supposed to be from the shaftlands, and his Halloween vignette mentioned moving a lot and never really fitting in, so I'm choosing to believe that he moved to the queendom of roses as a kid and had to transfer around there a bunch growing up.

-Headcanon that, because there weren't a lot of mages around the palace, and even less who would spare time to teach a servant, Jamil is mostly self taught. The result of that being a lot of kinda juryrigged practical spells that, once mastered, ended up being modified in various ways for whatever needs they could apply to. The things that weren't so self taught were mostly curses and assassin techniques passed down through his family, which also got modified over time for practicality and protecting Kalim. So a lot of his magic just feels immensely uncomfortable, like protection wards that are actually modified curses and shit like that. The rest is just very noticeably different from standard teaching, and of course Jamil doesn't want anyone to know he's invented so many of his own spells, so he downplays and straight up lies about it if asked

-Writing from Cater's perspective was a lot harder than I expected, but I really like him and wanted more of him in the story. And again, an outside perspective on this whole situation is much needed imo. Just, let someone actually look at Jamil and see that he hasn't gotten to be young yet

-The whispers movie is a reference to the Suspiria remake. The way dance is used for spells in that partially inspired Jamil's sandstorm dance in the first chapter, and it seemed like something he'd like

-Anyone: "Don't worry about it." Jamil: *Worry intensifies*

-Cater is out here holding the emotional intelligence and basic social skills of the entire school together. There wasn't a lot to go around, but he's making it work.

-I love the idea of like, between the preferential treatment and Jamil's own warped standards, his description of the octatrio and their merits being completely unrecognizable to the rest of the school. I don't think Cater would have been so encouraging if he knew who he was encouraging Jamil to give the benefit of a doubt to.

-Headcanon slightly supported by actual canon: I think Floyd has a relatively photographic memory, and he shows affection by taking note of the things that make people light up, and supporting those hobbies/interests with little relevant gifts, or just encouraging them to explore and talk about it and listening to them infodump. If it's particularly important to them he'll learn up on it enough to hold a real conversation. Since Azul and especially Jade are the type to get really deeply invested in every little detail of an interest, and he sees that Jamil seems to happily talk to both of them about that kind of thing, he figures there's a good chance Jamil would enjoy being bombarded with informative material and the like too.

-Since I'm bringing up Floyd's love language, I might as well add that I think Azul would deeply investigate to determine what someone might want from him, then try to provide it at a level above and beyond all expectations (partially driven by an obsession with proving his worth. potentially disastrous results when he misjudges what was actually wanted). Jade would give little gifts of things that a) he thinks they'd like, b) he wants to see how they'll react to, and/or c) he wants them to have because he likes the idea or aesthetic of it for them. These almost never include things they actually ask for, because it's more fun to experiment than just do something with guaranteed results. And he'd gift an overwhelming amount of these little things constantly, half because he gets a thrill out of seeing the reactions, and half because he wants the recipient to always feel the presence of his affection.

-Jamil, meanwhile, would probably show care through acts of service because it's all he knows so far (this may change over time as he heals). His hate language would be malicious compliance.

-Okay so I think Cater is absolute drunk aunt friend? I think he compulsively adopts people and drags everyone else into it and makes a whole project of helping them, and then ditches out for several weeks to have his own secret crisis. Then he pulls himself together and comes back chipper and doubles down on the project to keep his mind off of his issues because if everyone else is happy then he can fake it till he makes it. …I also think Riddle's overblot was a little traumatic and the idea of another one happening is freaking him out.

#yhmr fic #twst you'll have me rise you'll have me fall #chapter update #chapter babble #twst #octaviper #ashenviper #floyd x jamil #jade x jamil #azul x jamil

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fandomfluffandfuck · 21 hours

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I have dyslexia as well so I listen to podfics a lot! Can I ask how you write so perfectly with dyslexia? No need to answer if you don't want to, jus curious about your process :-)

Hey, sweets, it's no problem, don't worry!

I'm gonna take this opportunity to do what I do best and... overexplain. (Which--the overexplaining, overwriting that I do--I'm convinced is due to dyslexia. It takes a lot of words, which I don't feel naturally attuned to, to communicate the thoughts I have in my head. I struggle with words and sentence structure, and it all comes out tangled, so I just keep trying until I have monster paragraphs, lmao.)

Yeah, I'm dyslexic! Very dyslexic, lmao. And I do a lot to work around it, trying my best to write (mostly) coherent words, but also, I don't really think about the process I use all the time because... it's just what I have to do, y'know? I've always had to have work arounds. Like, I've obviously been dyslexic my entire life, but I didn't get a diagnosis until late, late middle school, and at that point, the "accommodations" I got at school were entirely useless. Like, oh, wonderful, preferential seating. Sure. Yeah. That will definitely help with my dyslexia. Thanks.

I also remember, just as a side note, that it was during that time when I was refused accommodations like extra time for tests, reading aids, note-taking aids, etc. all which would've been EXTREMELY HELPFUL because I was doing "well enough" in school. So, clearly, I didn't "need" them, if anything, they would be "wasted" on me when they could go to someone else who was actually struggling (which, I get, public school funding is shitty and there aren't unlimited resources, but I'm still slightly salty, lol. Just because I didn't appear to be struggling on the outside didn't mean I wasn't struggling. It's similar to having "high functioning" depression, like, it doesn't matter if I can function if I still feel like fucking shit constantly). I was also so, so close to not being diagnosed in the first place because, according to the doctors I saw, I was smart enough that it wouldn't matter.

That's a reoccurring theme with my dyslexia, actually!

People never believe me!

Which, sure, is a compliment to other people. But it's a backhanded one. I don't want to be complimented by pushing everyone else down.

ANYWAY-

The process.

The process starts--background wise--with practice. The shit answer. I know. But, really, practice. I've been writing stories for a lot longer than I've been posting fics. I've written lots of fiction (short stories and nonshort stories), I used to write poetry, and I'm a life-long journal-er. I used to read a lot, lot of books, too, despite the challenges with my dyslexia. It'd just that now I write so much for fandom and with higher education challenging me, I find it hard to have the time or the energy to read and deal with more words than I already do.

So, I have lots of practice on my side, active and passive, but I also have other things...

I type all my fics, and I use fonts and font sizes extensively. I tend to use bigger font sizes overall, not like wildly huge fonts, but not 11 or 12, either. It depends on the font itself--some fonts have larger letters than others. Something about the letters being more visible and having smaller sentence chunks on each line helps me anchor the letters in place.

I also will plan my fics in one font (probably whatever the program is set to by default), then flesh out the plan more in a different font, after I'll actually go and write out my fic in a new font, and when I'm ready to make edits and add final touches I use a new font, again. I tend to bounce between Arial, Verdana, Open Dyslexic, and Comic Sans. Yes, I write smut I comic sans regularly 💀💀

I've seen research that says, yes, fonts can affect dyslexia and research that says it doesn't do shit so... 🤷🏻‍♂️ Either way, I feel like it helps me find mistakes because it tricks my eyes into thinking the words are new, lol. That, and I find it more comfortable to write in dark mode, I don't know why or if it's doing anything specifically to my dyslexia, but I get less lost in the words when in dark mode.

While I'm doing all that font changing, I'm also, as I mentioned, writing and re-writing, which means reading and re-reading. I go over my fics A FUCK TON. Pure repetition irons out a lot of shit by brute force, lol. I have friends who will write essays for school and look over it once, maybe twice if they're feeling spicy. I can not comprehent that. Not me. If I haven't re-read it, once I'm at the final editing and final touches stage, at least six times then... it's not going to be posted. I'll also change fonts between re-readings. And when I put the fucking thing into AO3, I re-read it again.

(I'm sure a beta reader would be very helpful, but I'm also very protective over my art--writing, drawing, sculpture, or otherwise, and so I haven't played with that, lol. You'd have to ask someone else about their experience there!)

While writing, reading, re-writing, and re-reading, I'm also reading out loud to myself.

Everything.

All 👏🏻of 👏🏻 it 👏🏻

I say all of it.

It helps me with flow and writing style, sure, but really, it forces me to realize mistakes and lessens my mistakes. You mentioned podfics and while I haven't gotten into podfics I am a fucking podcast, music, audio guy. I find audio so much easier to process than written words.

(You might find this poll of interest, I do, lol)

Aaaand, while all of this is going on, I also, of course, use a grammar program. I use Grammarly because it was most accessible (re: free and recommended to me by an English teacher) in high school. I keep in mind that it has batshit insane suggestions sometimes, and I have all their bullshit AI helping tools turned off, but... it does help a ton.

In conclusion, something that I am working on myself is that sometimes when I'm having a bad day with my dyslexia--maybe I'm tired and I can't focus, maybe I have a headache, maybe my eyes are fried from staring at a screen all day, maybe I've done too much reading for college, maybe my threshold for frustration has been exceeded and I just can't deal with the challenge that writing presents that day, or whatever--I can't write and I need to accept that. I'm not gonna be able to produce something good, maybe not even something presentable, every time I sit down to write.

That's fine!

That's how writing works for everyone! That's how writing works for me, someone who struggles with letters and numbers and writing and reading and the whole fucking thing. That's okay. Let it happen. Let it go. Try again tomorrow.

Uhhh, I hope some of that, any of that, was of interest? Helpful? Maybe?

#asks #dyslexia #personal #thoughts

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rakumel · 15 days

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Today in more Xenoverse 2 news no one asked for:

I finally, FINALLY got an Ultimate Finish on PQ 122. By myself. As in, not co-op. Been struggling with that one for weeks, if not months.

I won't bore everyone with what a parallel quest in this game is, a search engine can take care of that. But after that, if you're curious, type in "XV2 PQ 122" and you'll get things like "PQ 122 is impossible", "PQ 122 is absolutely crazy" - and they're right. (Though I was glad to see I wasn't the only one having trouble with it - automatically felt better.)

That's it, really. Though if you're curious, I do go into a little more detail under yon cut:

So this was one of the parallel quests that came with some other DLC I bought some time ago. But even the quests that come with the vanilla game get pretty brutal by this point. (At least they do for an amateur like yours truly.) Not only do they become more of a test on how well you know the controls, but also how long you can endure against multiple opponents, and how well you can keep you and your partners up and running.

If you can meet certain conditions - usually like finishing quickly, or defeating opponents in a particular order - the quest goes into a sort of bonus overtime, and you get a chance to take down a much stronger opponent (or sometimes more than one). If you can defeat these opponents, that's considered an Ultimate Finish.

It's actually not too hard to beat PQ 122 normally, once you know what to expect. What makes it hard to Ultimate Finish is both the number and difficulty of the bonus opponents. That, and it pulls a really nasty trick on you the first time you get to this point.

I can't tell you the feeling that came over me when I thought I'd finally beat PQ 122, only for Fu to waltz in with Jiren and Ultra Instinct Goku. Poor Aloe and her partners were more than half dead by this point, I'd used up all my healing items, and I made the stupid mistake of trying to fight UI Goku at close range. Never do this. He will tear. your. shit. UP. I don't know about other languages, but Fu's appropriately named in English, because I was thinking those letters the entire time I was fighting him.

Side note: I want to like Fu, I really do. He's a demon scientist who acts like a massive fanboy, which in theory sounds fucking amazing. And he does have his moments, to be fair. But some of the shit he pulls in game just makes me want to slap him even harder than that Batman and Robin meme.

Anyway, once I knew that lovely little surprise was coming, it was a matter of stretching out all the healing I could - I had to keep telling myself this quest was a marathon, not a sprint - focusing on one enemy at a time, taking advantage of every spare moment to charge up ki or heal my guys, spamming my favorite Supers (Bending Kamehameha, my beloved), some well-timed Super Ki Explosions, and honestly - probably some luck.

Even then, it still took many tries due to the massive health bars on each of them, and the longer the fight drags on, the worse it is for your side.

I don't expect anyone to ask me exactly how I beat PQ 122, like a game plan or anything. But on the off chance someone does, I don't mind sharing. Mostly though, I just wanted to brag a bit, haha. Because I finally beat the thing! Although I'm going to have to do it again someday, since the RNG completely stiffed me. Didn't get either of the new special moves that you can win from this.

But hey, at least I know now it can be done. And yeah, I guess I could give in and try completing the quest online in co-op, but...eh...I don't want to, really. It's a broad generalization, I admit it, and so it's not going to be accurate, but...fighting games tend to attract certain types of gamers. The type who would probably rather be set on fire than play alongside someone who sucks at the game. I'd rather have fun than worry about how I look to a couple of randos, thanks!

#xv2 #xenoverse 2 #dragon ball xenoverse 2 #raku plays her faves: xv2 #I know I'm the only person in my circle who still plays this #so apologies #but I don't have anyone else to brag to =p

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hot-take-tournament · 4 months

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Thank you so much for putting this together, it was really fun to do. These are the best answers I could come up with:

1. In ‘what the hair’ I believe it’s Gothel in the dream sequence right? Thats such a cool way to open a show I think, it really draws to you. But it is incredibly confusing if you didn’t watch ‘before ever after’ first

2. I think in the first opening it’s 3, I’m not sure about the other two. If I’m being honest the first season is my favourite.

3. A music box is laid out and when rapunzel plays it it activates the atomatons hidden in the gift boxes.

4. Okay that’s one’s really hard, I know for a fact Varian has blue eyes and I’m pretty sure Monty does, but I really can’t hunk of anyone else. Rapunzels are Green, Eugene and Lance’s are both brown. I don’t know, Faith? Maybe Frederick but I think his are green.

5. The one in the right I think

6. If I remember correctly, which is highly unlikely, Rapunzel starts the song so I’m going to guess Eugene finishes it as a part of the little back and forth they have. I’m more of a ‘nothing less to loose guy myself’, so I don’t actually remember that song much.

7. I think it’s in ‘Once a handmaiden’, but I could be wrong. That episode is really good for a number or reasons, but there’s something really funny about Varian canonically inventing a gun, good for him.

8. The left one?

9. Happily ever after, I know it’s a reprise of the first song in the ‘Before ever after& short movie but I’m not sure if it’s called something slightly different

I really struggled with most of these, clearly I’m a fake fan </3 it’s fine I tried my best, at least this makes good practice for when I do eventually have to go up against the devil to avoid eternal damnation.

It was really fun though :D thank you for putting this together it was super cool. (Not to be that really annoying guy but I do highly recommend TTS it is a very fun watch)

Also slightly related fun face Zachary Levi plays Rocky in the the new chicken run movie and you can really tell. He uses the same line deliver as he does with Eugene it’s pretty funny to compare the two characters.

it's no problem at all, one of the best parts of this blog for me is being able to learn about everyone's special interests!

besides, considering how much experience i have in combing the internet to research fandoms i'm unfamiliar with (mostly so i can make bad puns), it was kinda fun for me to try and put that ridiculously niche skill to the test under time pressure

though... in retrospect i maaaay have accidentally made some of the questions completely impossible

(also, i know i answered your asks out of order, it sounds weird but the genuine reason is that because of the times you sent asks i was worried you were losing sleep over the stress of not knowing whether your asks were anonymous or not)

anyway, here are the answers:

1. you're totally right, it's Gothel who speaks first - no one else has a line until the 2-minute mark, they just kind of make noises at each other. i know they did it because it's a dream sequence, but it's still inexplicably funny if you pay attention to it, it reminds me of final fantasy

i did watch the first episode in full to get an idea of what this show was about, and i do have a lot of questions - tangled was one of the only two disney princess films i watched when i was a kid and i still don't really understand how her hair has grown back or who cassandra is (she seems nice though)

2. yeah in hindsight this one is basically impossible to get from memory, and when i wrote it i didn't even realise that there were different animations for the later seasons

the first one has 7, the second has 4 (i think?), and the third has 3, though it's really hard to tell

3. i actually got that wrong, i thought the music box turned into the robot, but you're right, it activates the parts hidden in the presents that then assemble themselves

4. people make fun of disney for their disdain for green eyes, rapunzel is the only disney princess who has them

excluding tangled, i can't even think of two human disney characters with green eyes period

well apparently they decided to overcompensate by making it so that almost no tangled characters have blue eyes, and honestly it's kind of hilarious

even characters who had blue eyes in the movie had their eye colour switched to green for the series

i was only able to pick out five because i noticed the trend and started actively looking for it - and even then, it was like finding a shiny pokemon anytime someone with blue eyes appeared on screen

so the fact that you were able to think of five off the top of your head is crazy impressive

he does - so do varian, frederic, faith and monty, so that's five

5. the mirror is the one on the left

the one on the right is actually based on the broken plate from breaking bad

6. eugene sings last, i have no idea what the context of the song is though

i actually was originally going to use 'nothing left to lose' but i changed it like five minutes before the timer ran out because i realised there were a lot of questions about cassandra, she's just in every clip

7. yeah, it's 'once a handmaiden', i think once her imaginary british friend pulls the cloak off it never comes back

i may have got this one from the wiki

8. the yellow eye is her(?) right eye

9. you're right, it is just a reprise of the first song from before ever after

(though i found out just now that disney's official songlist technically calls it 'life after happily ever after', which is dumb, so i'm going to ignore it)

so, overall i don't think anyone can accuse you of being a fake fan, you definitely got most of them

still, i'm glad you enjoyed it <3

#asks #not a poll

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whumpy-wyrms · 5 months

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mundane and rot for the ask game :3

(from this ask game)

34. MUNDANE - Would you survive in the shoes of your main character?

I THINK ABOUT THIS A NORMAL AMOUNT (all the time) SO. would i survive if i was Dew… short answer: yes i’d basically become best friends with Anton right away because i’m insane.

long answer:

it depends on whether i Knew Anton beforehand or not (about to say the most unhinged shit and expose myself but idc), but either way, if i got kidnapped by a mad scientist who used me as a test subject but actually tried to be Nice to me and GAVE ME FREE TOP SURGERY AND WINGS… I DON’T THINK I WOULD WANT TO LEAVE. THINK ABOUT IT. if there was an autistic trans mad scientist who was best friends with a talking mouse and could give me wings i think i would choose to stay in sci-fi world instead of living on my own working at mcdonald’s and struggling to pay rent (that’s metaphorical, i don’t do that stuff (yet unfortunately)).

and i wouldn’t even be trapped there against my will for long either. i would literally Not last long as Anton’s test subject because the second we become friends and trust each other, he’ll just feel bad about hurting me and literally let me do whatever i want. we’d team up and become unstoppable. i would be free to do my own thing but like, still hang out with him obviously and i’d show him the beauty in the world and change his mind about the whole,, torturing innocent people thing. basically i can fix him. that’s what im saying here.

also not to spoil but Anton’s the type of guy where like, the second he’d form a genuine human relationship with someone, he’d just abandon the whole “kidnapping and (unethical) experimenting on unwilling human test subjects” thing. because there’d be no real point anymore. yeah, science makes him happy but so does having a best friend! and he’d still be a silly mad scientist!! but ethical!! mostly!! we’d team up, abandon the whole immortality thing because it’s stupid, and go hunt down Pierce and kill him!! it would just be fun.

if i was Dew, i would literally scrap trying to escape and instead focus on becoming friends with Anton because that Would Be one of the best outcomes. so yea :3 i may be weird but at least im honest about it (honestly though, i daydream about being friends with all my ocs :( they’re just so cool and we would get along so well. im normal. ignore me). this got long and rambly oops

OH YEAH about if i Knew Anton beforehand or not, like if it was a situation where the Present Me right now, like the person who is typing this and Knows everything about Anton because i created him, then that’d def affect things because i’d have access to all my prior knowledge about his character and backstory. it’d def make things faster and easier because like, i’d know who he is and what he’s capable of, and he wouldn’t be a complete stranger. but if i DIDN’T know Anton and if he was literally a stranger to me and not my oc, then it’d be scary at first but it’d still turn out the same.

i mean you guys don’t understand how deep this goes. before Dew existed, the daydreams i had with the unnamed scientist whumper (Anton) were all just,, Me as his test subject whumpee. i was Dew before Dew was Dew. OBVIOUSLY HE’S NOT A SELF INSERT ANY! MORE! HE’S HIS OWN COMPLEX FLESHED OUT CHARACTER COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM ME! but that’s just how all my whump scenario daydreams started, and then i got attached and had to make characters and stuff.

i am rambling so much rn ANYWAY! yeah. this was a fun question that definitely won’t make people think i’m any more weirder than i already am (im not rereading all that so if there’s typos ignore them <3)

39. ROT - Which of your OCs is the best villain?

this is a hard one i think,, like out of the tllr ocs the actual villain of the story would be Pierce (not rlly a spoiler because it’s pretty obvious i think) but he’s not the BEST villain because i hate his guts (but he’s like Actually evil and terrifying and thinking about him makes me Afraid and filled with despair).

is Anton really a villain? yeah. but i guess i see his character differently than u guys because i know his character development later on in the story, and i know his entire backstory too. so that def chances my perception of him compared to how everyone else views him i think? maybe? idk

#ask #tllr ask #wyrms lore

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sillyrabbit81 · 1 year

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Hey there Bunny, how ya doin? Been a while since I stopped by to say Hi and check up on a fellow Aussie. Ive been lurking around but haven't seen you on my dash for a while. RUOK?? Always around to lend an ear, if you need one to hear. Big squishy hugs 💜💜💜

Hey!

Thank you for reaching out. Thats really kind of you.

I haven't been around as much lately. But I am doing okay. I have had a few people asking me similar things lately so, I might just let it all out here and tell people whats going on.

IRL things have been a lot for me lately and I just haven't had the time/headspace to be as active. Plus, if I have an hour or two to sit at my computer, I'm usually using that time to write (or stare at the doc and force out 50 words LOL).

The IRL stuff is mostly about my kids, but I also have had issues lately with my own mood regulation and other issues. Turns out I have Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which I tell people is basically like PMS but on Liver King levels of steroids. I think I've had symptoms of this for a couple of years, but its recently gotten much worse and I have seen an endocrinologist recently and started a treatment plan that will hopefully help, but it will take a couple of months before I will see any results.

I don't generally talk publicly about my family. Mainly because I feel like my blog and writing is my safe haven, a place for just me. But there has been a lot going on lately so maybe it will make me feel better to talk about it real quick. A lot of people who I talk to in chat/DMs already know most of this anyway.

Both my kids and my husband are on the Autism Spectrum.

My son is 13 and just started high school, so that has been a tough transition for him. He has been involved in a couple of incidents that has resulted in his suspension. Supporting him through that has been tricky and dealing with the school and trying to get the right supports in place for him has also been a slog.

My daughter is 8 and she requires a lot of support at school. She really struggles at school and so there is a lot of time spent ensuring she gets the supports she needs. On top of that, about 6 months ago she had a tonic-clonic seizure that was quite serious and lasted for over 10 minutes. After some testing was then diagnosed with epilepsy, probably as a result from a brain injury she suffered during her birth (she had a lack of blood flow and needed an emergency c-section). So its been trial and error with meds, (she also has absent seizures which we noticed a few times) but after a while we thought things were okay. A couple of weeks ago, she had another serious seizure and we were back in hospital.

So yeah, while I'm okay and my family are mostly okay, there has been a lot going on for me IRL over the past few months that has obviously taken precedence. But, I'm still around when I can be. I still want to be around and still love to write and make gifs and stuff, but its just been a matter of priorities and a significantly limited free time compared to what I previously had.

I hope you are doing well! I hope you're going to have a nice summer break (if we actually get a summer... I know in Sydney its bloody cold so far!) And thanks again for reaching out. That was really sweet of you.

❤️ Rabbit

#mis-lil-red #ask sillyrabbit81

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intersex-support · 2 years

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Hi! I know this might be kind of a weird ask, but I just needed a space to talk about this and your blog appears to be safe.

So I have what has been diagnosed previously as PCOS. I'm seeking genetic testing for various reasons, but the symptoms are relatively consistent. Anyway.

One thing I never see talked about is how people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse and "correction". I was put unwillingly onto puberty blockers - ones not even intended as such, it was a common off-label use that came with potential long term side effects. I'm also trans, but didn't know it at the time. Had I known, I may have chosen puberty blockers, but it was still very much a nonconsensual attempt to "correct" my "precocious puberty".

Then as an adult, due to, well long story, but abuse from my mom, I was convinced to take estrogen-based birth control that in all likelihood contributed to my worsening dysphoria, to "manage" the huperandrogenism I'm now actively encouraging with low dose testosterone. Without constantly being told it's ugly, I love being hyperandrogenous! It makes me euphoric!

Related to this, I also got told I was appropriating intersex experiences for wanting my (already intersex body) to more closely match my being intersex. I admittedly said it poorly, in a way that made it seem like I was generalizing all intersex bodies into a common misconception, but I was trying to say that me being altersex (or another word, I've heard that term can be intersexist but don't have an alternative, if it is I'm happy to change the term I use) is a direct result of me being intergender/intergender (again, don't know which terminology to use, sorry!). I was accused of fetishizing intersex conditions by someone who admitted that PCOS should be considered one.

I don't actually know whether I had any coercive surgery in infancy due to a lot of crap with birthfamily and being removed at nine months and adopted at 14 months. But every other experience I've had has been (mostly perisex and a few bad faith gatekeeping intersex) people coercing me into fitting more neatly into a binary sex, often medically, and often with transphobia on top. I've had people deny that I can experience transness in multiple ways (I use transfem, transmasc, and transneutral/transandrogenous, particularly because I also am plural which just further complicates things.

I just... I wish people understood that I have faced many of the struggles typical to the intersex community. I have never experienced gender like a perisex person. I have always been cautious about speaking to my own experiences because I've tried to be aware of privilege where I have it and to uplift the voices of others with different experiences than mine, even where there are no dynamics of privilege/oppression.

Having people like you say "yes, people with PCOS can use the intersex label, we have shared experiences, you belong" has also been incredibly healing. It's like... I feel like people can often innately recognize when they have shared community in regards to innate identity. I felt drawn to the queer community before my gender/sexuality eggs cracked, for example. I feel like exclusion only hurts people because it- well, essentially is a form of gaslighting. "No, your experiences in this specific aspect are fundamentally so alien to ours that we couldn't possibly talk about commonalities in any meaningful way, and will deny you a belonging that is already yours." Does that make any sense?

I'm not perfect in the way I say things, so I do wanna say that I'm absolutely willing to be corrected if something I have said is harmful.

Just uh,,, thank you for listening to this long vent.

(In case I interact via anon in the future, can I sign off with "starry anon"?)

Hey, anon 💜

I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with so much judgment, abuse, and coercion from so many people and places that you expected to be safe. You did not deserve any of that. You have PCOS and hyperandrogenism, and you are intersex. You belong in intersex spaces and anyone who says you doesn't is being a complete asshole. There's so many reasons like you've listed here, where you have so many commonalities of experiences with other intersex people, and deserve to be able to find compassion and solidarity. I'm so sorry that you've faced medical abuse, and I think you're brave for speaking up about it and talking about the fact that intersex people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse. You are not alone in that, and it absolutely wasn't your fault.

You are intersex, and there is no way that you can appropriate your own experiences. I sort of do think that altersex is a label that's used in an intersexist way a lot of times and I personally tend to be uncomfortable with it, and I tend to stay away from altersex because of my issues with it. I think altersex is really only being used by people who aren't intersex, so I could see why people might have thought you were fetishizing or appropriating intersex experiences, as if you say you are altersex people are going to think you are saying you are dyadic. You can just say that you're intersex and intergender if that's language that makes you feel comfortable, although I'm not going to tell you what language is and isn't right for you to use--that's a personal choice.

I don't know you and your story and I'm also not going to tell you what ways of experiencing your gender and what labels are okay for you to use--I know that it can get very complicated when we're intersex and we're sometimes reassigned gender or sex in childhood, or at puberty, or undergo certain types of transition that's unexpected for our AGAB. I don't think that it's a free-for-all that any intersex person ever can just claim to be transmasc or transfem or both or that every single intersex person has a claim to every label, but my policy is to trust intersex people when they tell me their labels and trust that they know what the most accurate and affirming language is to use based on their own lived experiences. I think this is something that individual intersex people have to really think through and decide what labels are appropriate for them to use, and be thoughtful about what times we need to stay in our lane and when we follow our instincts. It does get complicated and my approach is to just trust that people know what labels are actually accurate to their life, and I only bring things up if it is an issue. If people are appropriating labels, if they don't have a certain type of lived experience but they are claiming that they do, if they are perpetuating oppression, then I will call people out and deal with whatever they are actually doing. I'm not going to tell you that you can't use labels or not when I don't know your life and story, or say whether you should be doing things or not, and just trust that you have thought through what is appropriate and what is right for you and listened to what the communities you are a part of are telling you.

Even though you did use altersex language, or if you were confused and couldn't figure out the best way to phrase things, you still are intersex and have an intersex body. And I completely understand wanting intersex affirming and gender affirming things to feel more comfortable in your body. I think that a lot of intersex people do have dysphoria and I know a lot of us who really have strong feelings about wanting to return to our natural intersex bodies before medical abuse, or returning to a version of ourselves that we were never allowed to be. I think that's something that makes so much sense, and even though I can see why people would react badly if they thought you were dyadic and using confusing language, know that you are not doing anything wrong by being intersex and having these feelings, and you cannot appropriate your own experiences. You belong in intersex community and are allowed to share your own experiences.

This blog is a safe space for you, anon, and feel free to share your story or come and vent if you need it.

💜💜💜

-Mod E

#asks #actuallyintersex #intersex #to clarify bc we've been having a lot of discussions on and offline about this lately #i don't think that every intersex person ever. can claim to be transmasc or transfem #like for instance i think it would be entirely inappropriate for me to claim to be transfem. i was afab raised female #and even though I went through medical abuse and hormonal conversion therapy #I don't think i live in any meaningful way as a transfem person. because i am a trans man #so im like in my case it would be weird if i started claiming i was transfem u know. bc im not #but i do think that with intersex people. birth asssignment gets tricky #i have a friend who was amab. but then was raised as a girl from the age of 5. and than at puberty transitioned back. and he considers #himself a trans man #so im like okay i think there are times where people's birth assignment doesn't line up with the dyadic birth assignment for a trans experi #so it does get complicated when you are intersex. or when you're intersex and like #you're transitioning one way. in a way that isn't usually expected of your birth assignment #and i dont' think i get to make all the rules for who is what. i think that would be silly #i think that's something that we all just need to think about what labels are right for us to use and what our experiences are #and if we think we're overstepping then we totally might be! if we think we belong in a certain community or certain label #and the community accepts us! that can also be true #so basiaclly long story short: i dont think that being intersex means that now you can just say that you r whatever trans label you feel #like. if you don't have the lived experiences #and i think it's good for us to be aware of that. but i do think its complicated #and that if you do have the lived experiences. if a certain label you use is right for you. im going to trust you #bc i am not in charge and dont feel like you know. telling people what they can and can't do

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mdhwrites · 10 months

Text

First Series For Episode Reviews: Arcane

At this point the poll is at 30 votes which makes it about on par with some of my more reacted things and 29 of those votes are yes of some sort. I think by percentages it’s like an 18/11 split versus just every episode versus ones I have something to say so it’ll be surprising if it suddenly wins out for me not to do all of them.

To give this a test run though, I decided I wanted a series that had a lower episode count than a lot of other cartoons (like sweet christ if I was choosing something like Voltron or She-Ra), at least currently, and that people had wanted my thoughts on before. Since I got two asks in the past about Arcane specifically, I thought why not? It seems up my alley after all with Vi and Caitlyn, it has GORGEOUS animation and I actually have been spoiled on surprisingly little of the plot since I mostly follow artists on places.

It also is kind of fun to me to get into Arcane as I’m getting back into Legends of Runeterra. Speaking of: My history with League is that about a decade ago I tried it twice and thought it was neat but not for me. I’ve also played Ruined King and REALLY liked the writing for it, though I thought it struggled to stick its landing and its exp mechanics were... frustrating. Ruined King is Bilgewater though so I don’t really know too much about Piltover and Zaun in general, nor these characters, many of whom I know got more nuance and depth for the show. With all that said, a final note: Even if I binge something, don’t expect more than one review per day. I try not to flood people’s timelines with my blogs and keep my stuff mostly to twice a day. If I do binge something, I’ll likely still make the review right after I watch it but not post it until the next day or whenever it’s ready to be posted. I don’t know what I’ll do if a series I want to watch drops all at once, like Wednesday S2 likely will (though we’ll see if I end up watching that after the mess that was S1) but this is how I’m handling things I’m going back to watch.

Anyways, I think it’s time to get to work and not try to jinx this anymore than I already might have.

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supernovasolace · 11 months

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Today feels rich with possibilities but also...bittersweet.

I came out to my brothers a few days ago. It's been a while since our last visit, and I'm seeing them for the youngest's birthday today. I'm still nervous about COVID but we are testing/masking, and I'm bringing my Aranet so I can make a case for opening some windows at least. It's so hard to go anywhere without worrying it'll be the place my luck runs out. But I am trying to balance my caution and make space for other important things too.

Anyways, my brothers aren't normally big texters (we mostly just share memes back and forth lol) but they both heart reacted to my message about my name/pronouns, so I'm taking that as a positive sign. They seem like they'll both be cool, but they're probably also concerned about what's going to happen with our parents. Which is fair.

We grew up in an abusive and controlling home, and it wasn't safe to show weakness or admit our struggles, let alone talk about them openly or without judgment. So while I was already being vulnerable in coming out, I took the opportunity to explicitly state this. I told them I was going to therapy, and invited them to talk to me if there's ever anything hard that they need to talk to someone about. I told them that unlike our parents, my love for them is unconditional and that nothing could change how I see them. I know they're probably not going to take me up on the offer anytime soon, but I hope they remember the seeds I've been planting when they need a confidant. It was a big step, but I am proud of myself for opening up. In order for things to change, someone always has to take the first leap of faith. This time it was just my turn, and I didn't flinch.

Sometimes I feel like I'm behind in life compared to my younger siblings. They both have careers, are in good health, have better relationships with our parents, and survived our upbringing more unscathed due to being AMAB. As the eldest, I always tried to protect them and take the brunt of things when our parents were at their worst, and for the most part I succeeded. My brothers got to have much more of a childhood than I ever did and I'm thankful for that. But they've still been through shit no one should go through. When they were little, I did what I could to draw attention off them. And they've seen me hide bruises that would have been theirs. We've been through shit together that would leave scars on anyone.

And then I think about all our extended family, most of whom also grew up in abusive environments. Many are so transparently haunted by their past and spend their whole lives avoiding uncomfortable conversations. Trauma has had a history in our family for generations, and I've watched so many of them hide it away, letting it fester until it whittled them away into hollow shells. And when I think of my extended family, I think maybe the best thing I can give my brothers is an example of what it looks like to fight your demons and win.

It's taken me 28 years to get myself into therapy, and I'm so fucking proud of myself for finally making it happen. I've been wanting to go for years, but I was scared I wouldn't be able to find a provider who would have broad enough competency to help me sort through everything I've been through. But the therapist I found is perfect for me in every way. They've been through many of the same struggles that I've been through, and we even have the same birthday. I feel safe with them, and weekly sessions have given me some structure and stability that I've really needed lately. It's hard for me to ask for help, and it's hard for me to trust that resources will remain available for me to depend on because I've lost them so many times. But I have been pushing against those fears because I know this will be good for me, and I told myself this time felt different.

That is, until I got an email last night that my therapist is suspending their services due to my insurer no longer approving them as a provider. They're appealing the decision, but there's no telling how long the process will take or if it'll be successful. And they can't see me in the meantime unless I can afford to self-pay (which I can't). There's a good chance I'll be losing my access to therapy through this provider permanently. And at this point, they're irreplaceable to me, so I don't know what to do.

I'm trying desperately to remain hopeful about it, but this sudden turn of events has given me whiplash and I'm feeling heartbroken over the possibility of losing my therapist. It's not their fault, and there's nothing anyone can do but wait for the appeal process. This has been very triggering for my medical trauma as well, as quite often I lose access to important treatments or providers due to bullshit, pointlessly cruel insurance bureaucracy. I really felt like this time was going to be different. I thought I was going to be able to depend on my therapist for support as I prepare to come out to my non-affirming parents. And if I'm honest with myself, I really really need to keep seeing them. I'm cautiously optimistic about seeing my brothers tonight, but I was excited to share about how it goes with my therapist on Thursday. Now I'm feeling more nervous because I know no matter how tonight goes, I won't be getting a session this week to process.

I'm having a hard time not feeling like the rug is being pulled out from under me yet again. Part of me feels silly for expecting any better, part of me is despondent and scared, and another part of me is absolutely furious about being trapped in a hell country with systems and policies like this. Above all else, it just feels deeply unfair. I've already survived so much, and even just a few weeks of sessions has been life-changing. I don't think that access to therapy is too much to ask for. And I shouldn't be spending my Saturday night crying because I might lose my best shot at healing when I've only just gotten started.

So I guess I'm putting all these messy feelings on here, because they have to go somewhere. And the one person I want to talk to about it can't see me. I hope this ends up being a speed bump rather than a road block, but only time will tell. I'll keep fighting regardless, but for now, I'm fucking bummed. And taking some time to hold space for that feels right. I think my therapist would agree, and I hope I get to talk with them about life again someday soon.

#musings #coming out #trauma recovery #therapy #at least since my appointment is canceled i will be able to accompany my partner to his vasectomy consultation this week #so that's something #trying to stay positive #medical trauma tw #inaccessibility tw #abuse tw

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max1461 · 2 years

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Have I talked about my primary/secondary school experience before? Well maybe I should because I think it's relevant to various things. So basically from kindergarten through 12th grade I went to a tiny progressive school in southern California. I should clarify what I mean by "progressive" here—I don't mean that in the sense of "woke", because largely it wasn't. Concerns like race and gender were mostly just not on the radar of the administration. I mean progressive in the sense of like, the educational philosophy, which I don't know that much about in general other than how it manifested in my own experience there.

There was a focus on learning through hands-on projects and very free-form classroom activities. Up through 8th grade there was basically no homework, and none of the work was graded at all. I had my first experience with letters grades in my freshman year of high school. There was also no standardized testing throughout, and indeed no tests at all prior to high school. There were no advanced or AP classes, as there was a desire to avoid institutionalized hierarchy.

The large majority of the students were there on some kind of scholarship, mostly from low-income families, and the whole thing was basically subsidized by a much smaller number of wealthy families who were dissatisfied with traditional education and wanted to send their kids somewhere radically different. My subjective impression is that the student body was about a 50/50 split between white and Latino, but I never looked at the numbers. There were around 200 students at maximum, though the number fluctuated year by year, and only about 40 in high school (most left for more traditional education after middle school). Altogether it was a very interesting social milieu to grow up in.

Oh, right—"circles"! How could I forget about circles?

Basically, there was a philosophy at the school which was against any kind of punishment for misbehavior or so on. If you were goofing off in class you'd be, like, asked not to, etc., but you wouldn't get any formal reprimanding. If any interpersonal issues between students arose, such as bullying, they were solved through the most hippy means imaginable: getting everyone involved to just sit down and talk it out. Specifically, while sitting in a circle. Thus—"circles". The school had a big emphasis on "social/emotional wellbeing", which basically meant that if anyone was upset about anything it was Time For A Circle. Frankly, I don't know how well this worked or didn't, because I was a social recluse who was never involved in drama. For me, "ok class, we have to have a circle about this" meant "Max you get to go hang out in the computer lab for an hour or two while we Resolve Our Issues". Fun times.

Anyway, there were many things I liked about my experience there. Given my anxiety, and the mental health struggles I had especially in high school, I think the unorthodox nature of the education there is one of the only reasons I was able to academically survive that period of my life. If I had gone to a traditional school, with tests and mandatory essay assignments and whatever, I think I would have crashed and burned and failed every class. As it is I was able to do well, and get into a good college, were I also did very well (side-note: I thought the transition to traditional schoolwork would be hard for me, but actually it wasn't!). Now I am going to fucking graduate school, which I think would absolutely not have been possible had I gone to a normal school during my Teenage Brain Owch Years.

On the other hand, I had various struggles there. The small size of the student body made it difficult for me to make friends, and in general I felt very socially isolated, which probably contributed to my bad mental health in HS. As soon as I got to college my ability to function improved dramatically, and I think this was in no small part due to the fact that I was actually making friends for the first time in my life. Also the lack of advanced classes meant that in the subjects where I did do well be traditional metrics (math) I was still stuck at a pretty rudimentary level academically. Of course this is half of what inspired me to intellectually strike out on my own in these areas and decide to just start teaching myself math, which is how I started learning topology and abstract algebra in high school and gave me a huge head start on math in college. Not sure if I would have done better or worse had my math abilities been focused down institutional pathways; I suppose I'll never know.

So that was my educational experience prior to college. Some good, some bad, but largely I am a fan of the general progressive education style that I was exposed to, especially for young kids. I have retained from that time of my life a strong impression that grading schoolwork is in some sense terribly evil, that it instills a kind of deference to authority that I think should never be trained into young kids, and that a system of education (at least on small scales) can absolutely function without it. I was largely spared from the bureaucracy of school until I went to college, and I'm very glad about this fact. Also the phrase "do we need to have a circle about this" is burned permanently into my vocabulary.

Probably relevant info for you all in terms of getting my deal.

#personal

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foggyparadisecandy · 1 year

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On Anxiety

[CW: descriptions of anxiety, this is my real-life - not some sneaky trance]

Sitting at the restaurant, the waiter comes over and asks my wife and me if we want sparkling or still water.

And bam. Just like that.

I’m frozen.

Unable to speak. Unable to look up. Terrified. Feeling the world collapsing in on me.

How does this happen?

How does one get to this place in life where they are debilitated by such a simple thing?

I’m not exactly sure but I sure as hell think about it a lot.

I’ve spent 40+ years on this planet being a type A+ perfectionist.

I’m always the responsible one.

I’m always the caring one.

I feel the weight and burden of every choice, every decision, every mistake.

True story:

I used to nearly pass out when reading my work emails. I thought I had a neurological problem, but after many check-ups and tests, doctors convinced me I was “perfectly healthy … physically.”

I started to track what was happening and realized … I was holding my breath while reading emails because I became so stressed out, so anxious, so overwhelmed.

So. Much. Stupid in that situation. I started to watch myself from then when I read emails to make sure I was breathing.

Can you imagine? Having to make sure you breathe just to read your emails?

I’ve suffered from other phantom ailments over the years. Imagined illnesses that ultimately came down to doctors telling me I was “perfectly healthy … physically.”

And still.

I know from hypnosis that your mind can make your body feel certain things, certain ways.

My mind is riddled with anxiety and insecurities.

My body is happy to play along and report back that it's falling apart even when it's not.

Side note:

I say it often, but it's true. I sincerely appreciate when people like and reblog my posts because it puts some of those insecurities on hold. For a moment, anyway. At least a bit. I know it’s a false metric. My insecurities are not really solved by a like here and there. But it does help me feel good, so thank you all for your kindness.

So I’ve always had stress-related problems.

I’ve suffered from depression, which may or may not be related. Severe depression.

No need to worry about me on that front – my depression faded (mostly) when I left my 20s and developed better worldviews, and refocused my internal monologue through the consistent application of good coping strategies.

Enter: COVID

Since COVID, I have started having panic attacks.

It’s not consistent. It’s not every situation. It’s not persistent or constant.

It’s … random.

I evaluate. I watch. I try to find the patterns.

I know it has to do with feeling overwhelmed and out-of-control and in a fraught situation. But still … it’s not EVERY time, so that gives me hope.

But it’s frustrating.

I can be at my dinner table with my wife of 20 years and suddenly feel frozen and unable to speak or move. Feeling that impending sense of doom. While discussing dinner plans. Or what to watch on TV.

It’s completely fucked up.

I’ve been working on it.

I’ve even gotten some nice little pills from a doctor, even though I DETEST using nice little pills to solve my problems. But they calm me and let me move through life, simulating my old self, who was footloose and fancy-free.

I use meditation and forms of self-hypnosis. I talk with others. I'm more open about my struggles. I hear from others.

I had gotten to a place where I had gone for over 5 weeks without an attack.

It was lovely.

But then last week, in that restaurant, it hit me out of the blue.

There was stress involved. The restaurant was loud. We had been trying to find a place that could seat us over an hour. Every other place was packed.

My wife told me she didn’t think there was anything she would want to eat. She had us get seated anyway. And instead of looking over the menu, she proceeded to focus on taking off her jacket and getting situated.

I felt anxious.

Were we going to stay? Were we going to go? Why was she fucking about with her jacket if she wasn’t sure we would stay?

And then the waiter came over and my world folded in on me and I was done for.

Later I told my wife what happened and she said she wasn’t aware (she knows I’ve been struggling so it wasn't a surprise - but she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary) so I guess that’s good.

I guess I didn’t look like a complete weirdo.

But still.

And I don’t blame my wife for this.

I’m just describing *my* feelings. The problem is the way *I* felt. That's *me* and no one else.

My internal machinery took this simple and inconsequential situation and made it into this giant ball of anxiety.

Since that incident a week ago, I’ve frozen up three separate times on video calls and had to shut off my camera to be able to operate.

I guess my brain is ok with functioning if no one can see me? Good times.

So why am I sharing this?

For any of you who are struggling, you are not alone.

By most measurements, I’m successful in life. I have a good family life. I have a good job. I’ve spoken in front of large audiences before.

“Oh what do you have to worry about?” “Oh, you’ll be fine.” “Just get over it. You’ve done this before.” “Yeah, like you have anything to worry about.”

Anxiety and panic can happen to anyone.

You are not alone if you feel it.

I’m not sure that helps you but … I hope so.

Luckily my wife is a rock.

And I have friends I have spoken to who understand and support without the judgment of “that doesn’t make sense, you are so successful.”

I know they are trying to be supportive but fuck the people who try to wave away mental conditions. You make me feel even worse, like I'm completely defective.

Side note:

Special thanks to a wonderful friend I met here on Tumblr who has been a real treasure to me and shared her coping strategies. Thank you, sweetie.

Feel free to share if you think this will help anyone you know.

And, if you will excuse the indulgence, I will try my hand at a bit of poetry to express this bullshit.

I shake and reel, From phantom fears that feel so real.

I shut my eyes, Hide away and wait for them to pass me by.

I lock my doors, Curled in a ball, lying, waiting on my floor.

It isn’t me. This frozen thing that wants to flee.

And be free.

And I want to Be free.

And I keep working, working, Working on me.

And I can see, Someday I will find the key.

And be free. To be me.

Until that day, I’ll fight to keep it all at bay.

And find a way. To be okay.

And I keep working, working, Working on me.

Someday, the sun will rise, And I will greet it with Open arms and open eyes.

Shadows fade, and fall away, Leaving me free to seize the day And be okay. Free to be okay.

#stress #mental wellbeing #mental health #catharsis #self care #on topic #poetry

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corgibardballads · 1 year

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I’ve been sitting on this post for… two weeks? Three? The truth is that I struggled to articulate the points I wanted to get across and have written and deleted this draft over and over. Then of course I let WoW distract me with dragons because…. Dragons. I act like I have something important to say, I don’t, but if I don’t overthink everything I do then who will?

Anyway, I have previously espoused my convictions on the Ifrit questline and how it represents some of the very best in A Realm Reborn. So it may come as no surprise that I share a lot of people’s distaste towards the Titan questline involving the Company of Heroes. I think it’s perfectly valid for people to simply feel the questline was boring and wholly uneventful after bathing in Ifrit’s fire. Sometimes it’s difficult to pinpoint the exacts of why you don’t enjoy something when it’s a weird sum of multiple little tiny things.

For me, I actually enjoyed the start of the questline. The struggles between Ul’dah and the Amal’ja were basically two aggressors clashing where there could seemingly be no peace. Titan’s questline was the total opposite. The kobolds were mostly passive, happy with their territory and in some places we even see that they had relatively peaceful interactions and trade with Limsans. Barring any catastrophic events, there was seemingly no reason for the kobolds to summon Titan. Until Limsa got greedy. Now Merlwyb’s reasoning was admittingly a bit obtuse but we know from Y’shtola’s rebuttals and Merlwyb’s own admission that Limsa is completely at fault for violating their territorial treaty with the kobolds. Thus the kobolds felt no choice but to summon Titan to stop their aggressors. It was a great start! All the drama. It’s honestly a shame that almost the entire rest of the storyline just flounders along afterwards.

Ugh. I had rewrote this part over and over but it got so long and wordy. I’ll just sum it up and say, “they gave me no reason to care about these people and every reason to resent them.” The quests are boring. We learn nothing about how they killed Titan and the bare minimum about Titan in general. “Brayflox is quirky and unique” does nothing to further the narrative and endear us to characters that are thrown away in an hour. We didn’t fight Titan with them in the end so they all gathered back together for no decent reason whatsoever. I think the most infuriating thing, for me at least, is that they wasted my time. Everything they did was to “test” you. Which makes absolutely ZERO SENSE. This was an average band of mercenaries whose sole claim to fame was killing Titan where they suffered massive casualties. At this point you killed Ifrit completely alone and are a member of the Scions, a well renowned (albeit diminished) group of heroes. There was no “test” required. I wasted my time running all around Eorzea to gather random ingredients for a feast I didn’t ask for, for a group of people who oversell their heroism. All while a primal is unleashed on innocent people.

To be honest, I didn’t actually get mad about it until the chapter wrapped up. We get home to find all our friends and Scions dead. I was devastated, until it dawned on me that the only reason we weren’t there is because some band of idiots was so busy pickle dicking us around for no reason that our friends bodies were already in rigor and we could just stack them like plates and haul them to the Bring Out Yer Dead carriage. Like nothing about this story ark felt good. I couldn’t help but feel the story would be more impactful if we were there and lost to the imperials and left for dead rather than just being farted around.

But to play devil’s advocate here, I get it. I know what it’s like, especially with game design, when you have a narrative that is good but when you put it together you realize it’s just not long enough to justify gameplay and suddenly you have to scramble and pump in quest bits you don’t feel strongly about. It seemed to me they either had intended to do more the company and ran out of time, or had to add them to generate quest content but struggled to make them meaningful. Anyway, it was just disappointing. More so the second time around.

Also I’m totally aware the content of this post isn’t good enough to justify how long it is or how long it took me to write it. But I’m to deep to delete it now.

#ff14 #ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #A Realm Reborn

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