sometimes i look at things i write and i go "huh. my mental illness is showing"

Hi! I suspect this question may sound sarcastic or asshole-ish, but I promise it's sincere. And I realize that you're not a doctor, so feel free to ignore or tell me to DMOR, but you seem to have looked into this pretty extensively, so I thought you might have some thoughts. If you take ADHD meds and they work (that is, you don't feel any different but you can actually Do Things, which maybe gives you really positive feelings, which is not how you usually feel about yourself), how do you know that it's actually ADHD and not that normally you're just lazy, but now you took meth and you're hyper and euphoric or whatever it is that it does to non-ADHD people? Asking for a friend.

I...hm, layers to this one. First, thank you for offering a tone note because on the one hand, without it I definitely would have felt a bit hostile, but on the other hand it's very difficult to ask a question like this without sounding like you're trying to get a rise, when you really are just trying to get information. I'd struggle with that too. So thank you! I believe you are in earnest :)

I'm going to try to dig through this by levels rather than go through the question chronologically, that might cause the least amount of confusion and crosstalk. This is going to get long and quite rough and I’m going to address a lot of tender subjects including drug use, addiction, and self-esteem issues, so please read with care for yourselves. 

(I’ve tried to add in bolded topic headers so if you have ADHD and get bored of reading about one thing you can skip to the next!) 

So to start with -- and this isn’t particularly satisfying as an answer, but well...I know I have ADHD because I’ve been evaluated for it, twice now, and the doctors said I did. 

I fit a lot of the classic symptoms on the usual checklists, and while I’m smart enough to game those checklists, I tried to answer as honestly as I could. I wasn’t especially interested in getting Adderall for its intoxicant properties, since I’ve got plenty of access to other, arguably much easier to obtain intoxicants. I also, because I know myself to be someone who enjoys gaming tests for the game’s sake, made sure that at least one of the evaluations had cognitive tests that were harder to fuck with, like tangrams and memory tests and such. On the very top level, I know I’m medicating my ADHD because the tests say I have ADHD. 

But say we don’t trust the tests, or say I’m not as honest as I claim. On the next level down, but still quite near the surface, let's talk about "how do you know you're medicated and not high?" 

I've been in several kinds of altered state -- concussed, runner's high, stoned on weed or opiates, drunk -- and very occasionally I’ve been around people on coke or meth, though I’ve never done those myself. It's usually not difficult to tell that you are not functional on a normal level. It's difficult to describe how to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but for me being in an altered state like that is very evident. The first time I got a runner's high I was absolutely terrified because I knew something was wrong with me cognitively, but not why it had happened. When I woke up concussed, I knew immediately that something was wrong, but it was all I could do to get dressed and go across the street to a clinic, I was so fucked up. If you’re in an altered state and suddenly need to do something complicated, you're aware you would very much like not to be in that state anymore.

I've described Adderall as being like the most functional high you've ever had, but there are differences. If I've had, say, a weed edible, I feel calmer and happier and I'm also aware I'm stupid. I'm impaired and I can tell that. If I've taken an Adderall, I feel calmer and happier but not nearly to the same level, and there's no impairment to my intellect. Part of the calm is that if I think of something I need to do, I can immediately get up and do it, competently -- or I can decide not to. I control my impulses and actions. With street meth -- which I should note is much, much more potent than a low-dose Adderall -- compulsive behavior and lack of control are much more evident. Even if you are getting a lot done while on meth, you’re not necessarily in control of what, or how many times you have to do it to get it right. I'm told this is also often how people who don't have ADHD react to Adderall -- they’re not efficient as much as they are manic, particularly at stronger doses, which is why a) a good test of “do I have ADHD” is “How do I react to Adderall” and b) they start you on a super low dose.

When my psychiatrist and I meet to discuss how the medication is going, he asks me stuff like, do you feel you're in control of yourself? Are you having hallucinations? Do you find yourself craving a dose even when you know it would be detrimental? Do you feel your performance at work has improved, remained the same, or fallen? Do you find yourself able to focus but not able to control what you focus on?

On Adderall I do feel like I'm in control of myself, I do better work, and while I'm still learning to aim that focus, I am capable of doing so. I don't take it after 1pm because I know that'll fuck up my sleep schedule, and truthfully I don't want to. The one time I’ve taken Adderall after 3pm was because I was going to an art museum and I wanted to see how that would alter my experience, being able to focus more fully on the art and the person I was going with. And while I did have a great time, I wouldn’t make a habit of either taking the drug late in the day or taking it purely so I could have An Experience while on it. It’s fine, it’s fun, but it’s not so much fun I’m willing to mess with my sleep over it. 

I also have zero desire to drink (for the best, given alcohol and stimulants are a no-no) and a much decreased desire to get high. I don't need to self-medicate because I am actually medicated. I wasn't doing a shitload of self-medication before, but I was undoubtedly doing some, and more during the pandemic, and I can see how it would have become unhealthy had I continued. Do I still occasionally take an edible in the evening to unwind? Yes. Do I do it at the level I was doing it earlier this year? Fuck no. And I take half the amount I used to when I do, making sure I’m doing it well after any Adderall has worn off.

The question of "medicated or high" can still be a little difficult. What I said above is also what a lot of addicts say. They believe they are in control, they are better when they're on their intoxicant of choice, etc etc. "I can stop anytime I want" is like, the number one way to quietly tell someone that you, in fact, can't. Addiction's simplest definition is "loss of control over behavior" and addicts will do a lot to convince you that they haven't lost control over their behavior. (For more on this, Caustic Soda has a great episode about addiction in which Dr. Rob discusses how addiction and physical dependence differ.) All I can really say in response to this is that Adderall improves my quality of life in ways external to my emotional state -- yes, it helps emotionally, but that’s small potatoes compared to say, weed or opioids (opioids -- now there’s a drug I could get into trouble over) and weed’s way easier to get these days than Adderall. Weed does not, however, help me cook healthful meals and clean the bathroom. Adderall does.

So let's talk about the deepest part of this -- "How do you know you're not just lazy?"

Increasingly we are coming to an understanding of human behavior that informs us that laziness doesn't exist. What we think of as laziness can be caused by a number of factors: failure of executive function, fear of failure, exhaustion, avoidance of the unpleasant. Humans want to experience pleasure, it's a fairly strong primal drive, and we do not experience pleasure purely through inaction. If you should be doing something but aren't, that's not pleasurable, it’s stressful and boring. Lots of people will tell you “I fucking love to sleep, sleep is the best thing” and I’m sure they truly feel that way, but it’s not because they’re lazy, it’s because they have a sleep debt they’re banking against or paying back. There’s a lot of debate about laziness right now, but even as I refer to myself as one of the laziest people on the planet, I know laziness doesn’t exist in the way we conceive of it. When I call myself lazy, I’m using it as shorthand to say “I will find the most low-energy way to achieve something.” Because I am tired, because I have ADHD. (And also because I’m not twenty anymore.)

With exquisite timing, @thebibliosphere has very recently written an essay on this situation called “But You’re So Successful Without It”. Joy can’t take any of the medications available for ADHD, and the essay talks about what it feels like to have ADHD and to burn out because of it, which is where I was about to hit earlier this year. There is no way to call Joy lazy and absolutely no way to hear what she has to say and think that she would choose to go through what she has if she had an alternative. Nobody with any compassion would force her to. 

And here’s how I know I am not actually lazy: like Joy, I want to be doing the thing. If I need to do dishes and laundry so I’m not eating with my hands and wearing smelly clothing, but I’m not doing them, that’s not laziness. I know that my life is less pleasurable, indeed very unpleasant, if I don’t do those things. If I’m still incapable of doing them, it’s not because I Don’t Wanna. It’s because I am too tired, because I don’t feel like I can deal with unpleasant sensations on top of forcing myself to do something, or because my executive function isn’t functioning. If you aren’t doing something you should be doing, there’s usually a reason beyond “I’m just lazy” and it’s helpful, in breaking out of the mindset of “I’m a lazy (and therefore bad) person”, to ask yourself why. 

If there’s a reason you’re not doing it, even if that reason is simply “I’m so tired”, then you’re not lazy. You’re tired. If it’s because it’s unpleasant, then you’re not lazy, you’re avoiding pain. If you want to and just simply can’t, you’re dealing with a loss of executive function. 

Sometimes there are nonmedical workarounds. I wear gloves to do the dishes, I bought a cordless stick vac so my back wouldn’t hurt because I was constantly holding the vacuum cord in one hand, I blast podcasts when I’m doing something boring so my mind is elsewhere. I used to run at 3am because at any other time I was too fucking tired and I hate being out in public around strangers.

But, well, the best workaround for wonky executive function for me is Adderall. It’s not for everyone, it’s not an option for some, but for me it is one more tool -- admittedly a pretty spectacular one -- to manage a difficult life. 

All that said, the idea of being a Bad Person for Not Doing A Thing is a knot that it takes a long time to unpick. It is very freeing, and certainly less stressful, to both acknowledge that some things are beyond us, and receive help that brings them back into the realm of our ability to do. But it’s a process, and nobody can hustle anyone down that path faster than they are capable of going. So, all I can do is offer my personal experience. 

Even if this shit does kill me eventually, I’d rather have thirty more years where I am the person I’ve been in the last two months, than have fifty more years where I am the person I was in 2021. And even if I eventually have to go off it, what I’ve learned will help me not to hurt myself for something beyond my control. 

Nagisa Ran - Former Kings

Writer: Akira

Season: Autumn

(Location: In front of the fountain)

Nagisa: Good afternoon.

…… We seem to keep running into each other. Um, Anzu-san, was it?

…… You and I, we seem to have some kind of connection.

…… Ah, one moment. We may need to start over– I forgot to act in-character.

…… Eh, I don’t need to act in-character? It just confuses you?

…… Is that so? I’m glad you said that, it gets tiresome to act as someone I’m not.

…… Anyways, I’m sorry but could you guide me to the student council room?

…… I forgot the directions once again. I apologize for the inconvenience.

…… The driver Ibara sent me only took me as far as the Yumenosaki front gate.

…… However, it’s a violation of the school’s rules to enter the campus in a vehicle.

…… Eh? It’s okay to bring in cars and motorbikes now?

…… Ah, I see– the rules were revised. I forgot.

…… I’m hopeless, I have to remember to renew my memory more often

Tsumugi: Huh? Uwah, could it be? Nagisa-kun?

Nagisa: …… Hm? Ah, it’s Tsumugi-kun.

…… It’s been quite some time. I’m glad, you look well.

Tsumugi: That should be my line! I’m glad you’re doing well, Nagisa-kun~♪

What are you doing here? Are you enrolling back into Yumenosaki Academy because you couldn’t bear being at Shuuetsu Academy anymore?

No, of course not. Adam, or rather Eden, seems to be very popular.

I’m a little anxious, it seems like all my old friends are getting out of reach.

Nagisa: …… I wonder? I don’t know much regarding social standing, I don’t really care about it.

…… More importantly, I have business in the student council room.

Tsumugi: Ah, did you get lost again?

That’s no good at all~, you need to learn to do these things properly! If you keep leaving things to other people then you’ll just be a difficult person to be around!

Nagisa: …… Yes. I know, but I can’t seem to care.

Tsumugi: Fufu. As expected of Nagisa-kun~. Well, if you’re okay with it, I’ll take you to the student council room. Come on, right this way~♪

Nagisa: …… Thank you. You’re as kind as ever, Tsumugi-kun.

……  So that’s how it is. Sorry, I’ll have Tsumugi-kun guide me to the student council room.

…… You can go now, Anzu-san. I apologize for taking up your time.

…… See you again? If fate brings us together again in a different place.

(Location: Student council room)

Tsumugi: Pardon me~

Eichi: Hm? Oh, Tsumugi…… Wh-What’s wrong? Do you need something from the student council?

Tsumugi: Why are you acting a little suspicious, Eichi-kun? I don’t need anything myself, I found Nagisa-kun wandering the campus so I led him here.

Hiyori: Nagisa-kun? Nagisa-kun is here? Uwah, what fine weather……☆

Tsumugi: Huh– Hiyori-kun?! What are you doing here? Is today maybe a former fine reunion or something?

I-I wasn’t told about this……!

Eichi: No, no. It’s merely a coincidence, maybe. At least I hadn’t planned things this way…… What kind of twist of fate is this, really?

Anyway, Nagisa-kun, you don’t have to keep standing there. Come in.

I’ve just prepared some tea, so how about we rekindle our old friendships over some drinks. Let’s have a fun chat and let the flowers of old memories bloom.

Hiyori: Eh~? Sounds like it’ll get too dark so count me out!

Instead, let’s talk about something way brighter and more lovely, like how I’m secretly raising a puppy Jun-kun found!

Nagisa: …… Does Hiyori-kun’s dorm allow pets?

Hiyori:  No, not really actually? But that puppy was just way too cute!

It was so pitifully weak, and it would be quite a shame to just abandon it, so I’ve been doing my best to raise it and hide it from the dorm mother!

Look look, I took a ton of pictures! Her name is Bloody Mary……☆

Nagisa: …… It’s not good to break the rules. Although I can’t really talk down to others about that.

…… That’s why you’re stuck in Reimei Academy forever.

…… I want Hiyori-kun to heed the rules better so you can be properly evaluated and enroll in Shuuetsu Academy with me.

Hiyori: I can’t do that. I don’t think Jun-kun fits the requirements to do the same quite yet?

Until that child is ready, I’ll be right by his side to care for him!

Nagisa: …… Who’s more important, me or Jun?

Hiyori: You’re both important to me so it’s a difficult question! Well, at least we can see each other whenever we work as Eden so I hope you’ll be patient and bear with the loneliness for a little♪

Eichi: Fufu. You both still seem so close.

Hiyori: Because we’re lifelong companions, of course! Eichi-kun and Tsumugi-kun are the opposite though, things have gotten pretty strained haven’t they? You two haven’t met eyes in a while, what foul weather……!

Eichi: You’re definitely touching a sore spot. It’s been a while since we’ve talked like this so it can’t be helped that things are awkward…… Right, Tsumugi?

Tsumugi: Well, I guess so. More importantly though, what are Hiyori-kun and Nagisa-kun doing here?

I can’t help but wonder if you’re up to your strange schemes again…… Eichi-kun?

Eichi: How untrusting of you. No, Hiyori-kun just stopped by since he happened to be nearby.

I was surprised by how sudden it was, I wish you’d give me some kind of notice in advance.

Hiyori: Well, I did this based merely on a whim! I heard that Trickstar will be holding a live today!

I came to see how much they’ve grown since that summer♪

Nagisa: …… That’s right, Trickstar. I also came to see those children perform.

…… Since we’ll be working together soon, I wished to see how much value they hold.

Hiyori: Ah, I think it’s difficult to know their value by just looking at them! Those kids have a bright future before them– they’ve become favorites of mine♪

Nagisa: …… Yes. Hiyori-kun has been praising them a lot so I got curious.

Eichi: Fufu. Well, let’s go watch it together then. I’ll prepare special seats for us.

Tsumugi: Um. By any chance would that “us” include me?

Eichi: Of course. The central characters of the former fine, who long ago reformed Yumenosaki Academy, will gather to watch the heroes of the present age……

It paints quite the fine image, doesn’t it?

As expected, it ties my stomach in knots, and with Trickstar performing on stage it may make things more difficult for them……

Well, how about we put pressure on them as their predecessors?

Nagisa: …… I’m good at exuding pressure. Or rather, I’ve been practicing that as Ibara told me to.

Hiyori: Ahaha☆ You’ve been working hard on things that don’t really make sense, Nagisa-kun!

What sets you apart is that you take it in as your own flesh and blood where others may get lost!

Nagisa: …… I don’t dislike putting in effort for work or studying. I find it fun to explore uncharted territories for a way forward.

…… I hope that I can continue doing that forever.

…… The former fine didn’t leave any room for that, so I left.

…… After the conquest of Yumenosaki Academy, there was nothing left to discover.

…… After judging as such, I ended it, however…

…… In this school where dreams bloom, it seems a fun story has once again begun.

The Return

Well. This is moderately embarrassing. First of all, hello! Yes, I still live, after a fashion. I realize that in this space, as I approach my latter 40s and not having made a post in over 2 years, I may as well be dead, but please be assured that the biological processes continue in more or less the same manner as they have, albeit perhaps with slowly diminishing efficiency. And how are you? [pause here to feign interaction, nod appreciatively as if hearing response] Very good! Or bad. Or some other thing that implies personal connection, for you see, I CARE.

What have I been doing? Oh, a bit of this, a bit of that. Please don’t think that I somehow lost my raging boner for The Defender: if anything, the rage has only blossomed into a boner I couldn’t have imagined when this blog began. Hm, that’s something of a strained metaphor, like a boner absolutely enraged.

But why has there been no second episode of Defended Be since I heralded its arrival? You might not remember, but this thing happened known as THE YEAR 2020. So beyond the existential crises on every level to which that gave rise, everything had to be re-evaluated. And re-evaluated. And re-evaluated. And… well, you get the picture. Every time I was mentally psyching myself up to move forward, where I was moving forward FROM and TO had changed dramatically. I can report that there is actual footage in the can for the next episode, and it’s mostly a matter of assembling what else I need to complete it. After that, I have some very specific plans for how to proceed, though that may require me to get others involved, be it out of charity or for pay, which is a depressingly difficult task for someone who needs others for exactly such administrative work.

So why return now? Again, this may have escaped your notice, but a couple of the pillars of social media as we’ve known it for the past ~15 years are in their death spirals, mostly due to just a few narcissists who cannot stand that we might not have their names on our lips, hearts and minds at all times, but lack the imagination about themselves and the world to make that so from true accomplishment, so instead they just wreck everything. Since I got enough of that shit growing up, I’m consciously withholding the coin of my attention by pulling up my shingle and either starting anew or returning to neglected outlets.

I get the impression that I’m hardly alone in this choice. It is, paradoxically, an incredible opportunity to escape from a rut, though I do mourn what will inevitably be lost. But I suspect that what will be gained by this permanent (?) boycott could prove far more valuable in the long run.

I don’t know how often or how much I’ll be posting here, since it’s still my intent to channel those thoughts and that energy into Defended Be, but maybe without diversions elsewhere the surplus will not be denied. Your feedback and engagement will help in that regard, because as I said, and I was not being facetious: I CARE.

The Defender would have no less of me.

I appreciate you being Dean concerned and not Dean critical. I’m sure you’ve already answered this before but what do you genuinely like about him? A lot of his good traits get twisted in your meta (and in the show) which is really interesting! But like. What about him do you just think is neat?

Also, you don’t talk about Sam a lot but I’m rewatching season 8 and it really feels like both a continuation of preseason one -> season one (Sam has a normal life, Dean is gone -> Sam wants to return to his normal life but Dean coming back gets him back in the game) which also gives it finale vibes :(

Besides the fact that the stuff with Amelia is really boring, it all just feels ooc and like a step back for Sam. Not to go on a rant but Sam seemed to finally make peace with his life back in season 7.

The stuff with Amelia also has both the same and the exact opposite energy as the stuff with Lisa. During his time with Lisa, it was always like Dean had one foot out the door back to hunting. During his time when he goes back to hunting with Dean in season 8, it feels like Sam always has one foot out the door back to Amelia.

That and I just can’t bring myself to give a shit about Amelia (maybe because she’s boring and inconsistent, maybe because info about her is drop fed instead of presented mostly all at once like with Lisa in season 6, maybe because she’s just shoved in for something for Sam to be up to and it feels ooc to me idk)

I thought I’d like season 8 (and I do really like a lot of Cas’ stuff but he’s always my favorite anyway so that was basically gaurenteed) but a lot of the stuff just makes my brain feel like a white noise machine. I’m only on episode 10 so I’m sure it’ll get better for me once the Sam stuff gets resolved but for now it’s very.... eh.

Thoughts?

okay so, what i like about dean. hm. that's hard! i love dean, for all sorts of reasons, and i know i'll miss stuff, but: - he charms me, on a sort of pure, animal level. he's very charming, that's true within the show but it's true for the audience, or at least me, as well. he's funny, he's affectionate, he's sweet, and he tries so hard. and it makes me love him - he's compellingly tragic. like dean is a fucked up guy, he hurts both himself and everyone around him because of patterns of trauma an neurosis he can't break out of. no one wants to be a bad guy, no one wants to hurt the ones they love, least of all dean, but he can't stop doing both those things. like his self-made cage of ideology, emotional repression, and control is killing him, and it's killing everyone who doesn't get away from him, and that's sad! it's awful! no one is winning except dean's self-image. he will sacrifice everyone and everything he loves on the altar of never having to re-evaluate himself. or, i hope he won't. but he might! and that's sad! it's the perfect tragedy! - second hand deangirlism due to cas kinnie disease. men will be the first person who was ever nice to castiel and then me and castiel will love them forever about it. - he is my little puzzle box and i will solve him - straightmarried gf i liked that sam ran off and tried to escape The Life in s8, that makes sense to me. i think sam really fundamentally doesn't want to be a hunter and the only reason he gives up on trying to leave post s8 is that it is impressed upon him that he's completely trapped. he can never be free. dean will always drag him back, kicking and screaming. i actually feel like sam's equivalent to lisa isn't amelia, it's jess. i talked some about that here but like. both jess and lisa were kind of synecdoches for a false ideal of the american dream, each in their own way. they're both images of suburban perfection, and what draws the winchesters to them is the desire to fit into that image.

but comparing lisa and amelia..... like, dean promises sam that he will go try to make a normal life with lisa, and then he does, because that obligation is all he has left to cling to. like dean is nothing but a miserable little pile of duties and tasks, he doesn't know who he is without a chore (see: demon!dean's total directionlessness) and lisa is the last promise he made to his brother, so he fulfills that. she's an idea to him, not a real woman. the thing he's clinging to, in sam's absence, is not lisa, but the idea of a normative suburban lifestyle. but then the moment sam shows up and voids his own last wishes, dean is like okay bye i don't need to fulfill this obligation anymore. like he was never all that interested in lisa. he didn't love her and his relationship with her was built on obligations, normative images, and anxiety over her safety, which finally resolves itself in dean horrifically violating her by asking cas to wipe her memories.

whereas sam is with amelia because he like, meets her and they form a connection. they hit it off. and sam has a pattern of like. when he wants to get away from something, especially if dean isn't around, he jumps into bed with the nearest girl who smiles at him and then forms a super intense with her. his early season one-off love interests, ruby, and now amelia. (amelia is actually kind of the last time he does that, because after season eight he gives up trying to escape for real). but what he's clinging to there isn't an image that he's trying to fit into. it's the girl herself. like he likes amelia and he wants to be around her and he dives into like. spending time with her and building a relationship with her. and like amelia is a real woman and sam sees her as a real woman. like she's a fucked up mess and so is he and they connect. like she's a bitch and she clogs her drain with limes. also #MyGirlfriendsHusbandFightsForYourFreedom. like samelia is a little boring but i don't begrudge sam that. it's almost compelling because it's boring.

i'm actually not a huge season eight guy myself but my issue with it isn't samelia.

actually, and this is a complete tangent, can i bitch about season ten for a second? like. okay. seasons eight and nine are about sam learning that dean will never let him go. that he's trapped forever in the hunting life and trapped forever with his brother, that dean will do horrific things to him in order to keep them together. and slowly just... giving up. deciding to relinquish his dreams of getting out once and for all.

and then season ten rolls around and suddenly sam makes a hypocrite of himself? suddenly sam is the one who will go to any lengths to save dean, even against dean's own wishes? NOT believable. like sam should be like. sad and fucked up about it, but letting dean go his own way. if anything, cas should be the one trying to save dean against his will, that's way more cas' move. like there's definitely a certain level of cas -> dean :: dean -> sam that exists in the show, at least in terms of protective fixation. cas is somewhat more respectful of dean's boundaries and autonomy, but he's the one with a pattern of blowing up at dean for being self-destructive etc etc.

like, sam should have been way different in s10. i don't know exactly what i would do with him, maybe give him his own distinct plot? or maybe have demon dean last somewhat longer and make "demon dean tries to kill sam" a whole multi-episode arc, i think that would slap. and then the relationship fallout from that can be many more episodes.

like imo this happened because jeremy carver got his start in season three, when sam legitimately was trying to save dean against dean's wishes, but in s3 that made sense. like, one, the brothers were much closer then, dean wasn't quite as much of a prison guard for sam, but two, much more importantly, dean's deal was sam's fault. he blamed himself. he wasn't just trying to save dean from dying, he was trying to save dean from going to hell because of him. like girl, it made sense in mystery spot. but this is not the energy you should be bringing to the table with sam in s10. ooc!

I Love You Either Way

Izuku Midoriya x GN! Reader

For @brandmeyelena : reader loves midoriya very much and confessed, midoriya was flustered and decided to accept it (reader was ecstatic), however he has no feelings for reader at all. He doesn’t know how to break up with reader so he just lets it be.

Warnings: Angst, One sided love, Heartbreak, Death.

Genre: Angst.

(Y/n) was sorted out to be an outcast in middle school because of their interest in the quirkless boy in class. Ridicule did nothing to prevent them from getting to know the boy, intrigued in his interest in heroes and longing to be enrolled in U.A.

They were quick to defend the freckled boy when Bakugou targeted him on certain days, gazing in affection when he would go on a muttering tangent, unaware of his thoughts being said out loud. (Y/n) fell in love with the way Midoriya would not be afraid to show his vulnerability and emotions, to show them his passions and drawings of analysis. Midoriya on the other hand was in awe of gaining such a friend. 

F r i e n d.

Oh how he wished he knew the inner feelings of the one he called friend. It was not until they confessed that left him in a stuttering, red-faced daze that he realized there was hidden meaning behind (Y/n)’s gestures. Being the most observant boy meant nothing when he was dense about feelings. 

The hand brushes while walking to and from school, the small gifts he would find in his backpack from them, the lingering hugs that seem to be longer than usual.

“Izuku, I’ve admired you for a long time. Please accept my feelings!” (Y/n) was not shy while confessing, they stared Midoriya in the eyes with such passion that the male could not refuse in the state of shock he was put in. 

It did not seem to be a bad idea at the time, a relationship was forged on the foundation of friendship and they were friends already with similar interests. Midoriya brushed it off and thought he harboured the same feelings, not aware of why and how a relationship actually begins. 

(Y/n) on the other hand couldn't be happier, they seemed to glow around Midoriya and felt that they were on cloud nine on the daily. Bakugou glowered at them in class, huffing at how disgusting their relationship was.

Midoriya had dedicated a book to (Y/n) filled with sketches of them, some pages for the purpose of analyzing their quirk, other pages filled with mundane sketches of them on their adventurous dates. (Y/n) found a second home with Inko Midoriya who adored them, happy that her son was finally himself without the fear of him being bullied. 

It was when they first shared a kiss that Midoriya had come to terms with his feelings. He did not carry the same emotions for (Y/n) as they did. He felt like he would disappoint them so he kept himself quiet, wondering if they would lose feelings for him if he carried on as friends instead.

The time for U.A. came around, (Y/n) was not aware of Midoriya training with All Might. They only knew he was physically training with a ‘personal’ trainer of his. During the training period, they would make sure to cater to Midoriya’s needs, keep him hydrated and help him with homework and studies as he would fall asleep in class muttering to himself most of the time. 

Betrayal was evident during the quirk evaluation test when Midoriya seemed to showcase his quirk. He looked nervous facing both Bakugou, who was voicing his anger, and (Y/n) who had a look of disappointment hidden in their eyes. They avoided Midoriya that day, watching from afar as he happily conversed with Iida and Uraraka. 

It wasn’t until Bakugou grabbed (Y/n) by the front of their uniform and yelled at them with one hand exploding with his quirk for an explanation that Midoriya came in-between and pulled (Y/n) away. They didn’t seem to want to put up a fight with either male and allowed themselves to be dragged around. 

Midoriya ‘explained’ that he was an apparent late bloomer and thats why he was training for months, to control his quirk. (Y/n) was apprehensive but accepted his apology after he stated he didn’t tell them because he wanted to surprise them.

-

“I love you.” 

The USJ attack had (Y/n) tremble with uncertainty of their future, they said those three words to Midoriya when he woke up from being taken care of by Recovery Girl.

Midoriya just nodded his head and looked away.

(Y/n) thought nothing of it until Ochako ran to him once they reentered the class, he seemed to brighten up at the sight of her and (Y/n)’s face soured.

This event kept replaying in their mind as the days progressed. The texts became dry, the reply time took hours, calls weren’t picked up as quick as they were before. (Y/n) could feel the distance between them but they didn’t want to give up, no, they held too much emotion for the boy. 

Bakugou took note of all the differences between the two from the sidelines, despite his dislike for the pair, he felt pity for (Y/n). Scoffing at them as (Y/n) still tried to hold their relationship together by a thread. He felt anger towards Midoriya for not manning up and revealing his true feelings, instead dragging (Y/n) along with him. 

“Hey dumbass.” Bakugou huffed and (Y/n) looked up at him from their position beside Midoriya. Uraraka, Iida, and Midoriya looked at Bakugou with wide eyes wondering why he sauntered his way to their lunch table. 

“Hm?”

Bakugou yanks (Y/n) from the table and drags them out of the cafeteria, ignoring the protests from Midoriya and (Y/n). 

“What the hell Bakugou!” 

“Shut up dumbass! I’m sick of you pining after the nerd when we all know he does not feel the same.” Bakugou crossed his arms across his chest and glowered at them.

(Y/n) was void of emotion, they knew he was right but they didn’t care. They would be together, they’ve been through so much together. They love him, they’ll make him love them.

“We love each other.” (Y/n) said before turning to walk back to the cafeteria. “You’re going to get yourself killed!” Bakugou yelled after them, “If I do then at least I’ll know I’ve loved!” (Y/n) yelled back.

Their grip on his hands became stronger, the kiss on cheek before a task was a must, they’d try to converse with him about their future, joking about how they’d be the coolest pro-hero couple.

(Y/n) was losing themselves as they saw Midoriya remove himself from their approach. (Y/n) knew it was only a matter of time before he would end up saving Uraraka before them. They held no bitterness towards the girl, they’re aware that she’s just as innocent as she looks. If Midoriya wanted them to back off then he would have said something by now, he hasn’t said anything so he must still have feelings for them, right?

Perhaps they did hold the same passion as the girl they came across during the attack in the training camp. Toga was it? Either way, Toga had realized (Y/n)’s feelings for Midoriya as she chattered on about a green haired boy she came across. Maybe they should have accepted the offer to join her in gaining his feelings back for her by following her into the warp gate, maybe he would have come after them. 

(Y/n) was aware that they were losing interest in becoming a hero after all the attacks from the league, they didn’t seem that bad. They were beings who were outcasted and betrayed themselves. (Y/n) did not know what was right or wrong anymore. Everyone in class had noticed their change in behaviour, the dead look in their eyes as they lost all the light in them that once glowed bright. 

Midoriya, they’d do it for Midoriya.

-

Blood.

There was so much blood. (Y/n) took the hit for him. The burning sensation where they got impaled from Chisaki’s quirk was beginning to numb. How stupid of them to act all heroic for a boy who didn’t even mutter those three words that (Y/n) seemed to tell him everyday. 

They were only fifteen. Fifteen and feeling the bittersweet embrace of death. Midoriya was hovering above them, tears spilling over and dripping onto (Y/n). He was finally giving them the attention they craved for the past year at U.A.

Midoriya pressed his hands against the wound, (Y/n) whimpering in pain at the pressure. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry (Y/n). We can fix this, keep your eyes open okay? I’ll go defeat Chisaki and it’ll all be okay.”

(Y/n) shakily grabbed his face with their bloody one, “tell me you love me and I’ll forgive you.” Tears gathered at their eyes as they begged in their mind for him to put them at ease.

Midoriya was frantic, he didn’t want to lie. He was aware of the rift between them, he should have been straightforward with his feelings from day one. Perhaps if he did, they wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. 

“Even if you don’t feel the same, please. Just this once.” Their voice cracked and sobs racked their body. Their hand slid from his face to grip onto his hero suit.

“I love you! I love you, please hold on for me!” Midoriya gripped them tightly in his embrace, his own sobs breaking through. “I should have been more honest with you, I’m sorry!”

“It was my fault for not giving up on you, I knew how you felt but I couldn’t let you go.” (Y/n) smiled a broken smile, relishing in his embrace during their final moments.

“Tell Bakugou he was right, I did get myself killed huh?” (Y/n) dryly laughed.

Midoriya felt a wave of cold through his veins. Bakugou knew? Did he really say that to them?

His anxiety grew worse as (Y/n) began to feel like dead weight, their eyes glazing over and breathing shallow. “(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” He screamed as he gripped them tightly. 

(Y/n) was there with him through his lowest time, watching him grow into a hero in training when he had lost all hope. They were there when he felt frustrated with himself during training and offered him a shoulder when he felt like he had nowhere to go. He didn’t feel like a hero as he held them in his arms. A hero would have been upfront about everything, he failed them. He failed (Y/n). Now he’s going to have to live with knowing he was the reason they spilt blood.

A train to Paris

Carmen Sandiego x Gray Calloway

Summary: Carmen is taking a break away from her work — helping out at the Orphanage and fighting crime — and decides to take a trip back to Paris, a location she quite enjoyed. During her journey she meets a familiar face she believed she would not see again.

A/N: This is set after season 4.

"So Carms, I hear you are off to Paris for the week huh?"

I smile into the phone, listening to Ivy's comment.

"You heard correct. Well, assuming nothing goes wrong, that is".

I had gotten a break from working at the Orphanage with my Madre, so I decided to take myself on a little trip. We had finally met about eleven months ago, and I had been helping around as much as I possibly could without a break. Well, I tell a lie, I had a couple days free from working with Madre, though I used those days to check for any crime around. I guess some habits die hard huh, this was meant to be my new start but I can't seem to leave fighting crime behind. It was my choice to work so much at the Orphanage though.

Madre had had enough and told me to take a week away and go someplace, so where better than Paris? The beauty of the city when the sun goes down and the lights come on again, the food, the art and architecture, the history, it's simply something I cannot forget. It's truly a once in a lifetime thing.

"Wow, I'm so jealous! I wish I could be there with you, it would be so much fun- Zack stop! Leave Julia alone. No- She probably does NOT appreciate that, so quit it... Yes, you, who else?!.......... Sorry Carms, it's Zach trying to flirt with Julia again".

Giggling at Ivy's scolding to her brother, I make a mental note to tease him about that when I next see him. He kept flirting with the poor woman, to which she would politely laugh and make an excuse to leave.

"No worries Ivy, it's alright. I must admit though, I do feel sorry for Julia in some respects".

"I know right! Gosh, he's so oblivious sometimes. I love him anyway though, no matter how much of a douche brain he is".

"It would be nice to be able to meet up with all of you again, it's been a while since I saw all of you properly. You'll have to let me know when you two both have some time off and I'll get hold of Shadowsan and Player, then we can all have a nice catch-up".

I hear Ivy sigh wistfully into the phone, light laughter leaving her lips.

"Honestly Carms, that seems like such a good idea right about now. I'm so tired with work, I got called out five times within the past two days, three of which were last night. I've not had a nice snooze in for ages and I could do with one right about now, haha."

"You do sound quite tired. When do you get off shift?"

"Uuuh, hold on....... Forty-five minutes, then I can go home".

"Well, you should treat yourself to a warm bubble bath and a long rest".

"I think I'll take that one and do just that. Ah- I've got to shoot, Cheif is calling for me. I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk more, yeah?"

"Yes, wouldn't miss it for the world. Tell the others I said hello for me? And I'll work on arranging a girls trip between you and me to somewhere, just let me know where you fancy going".

"Oh you're a star Carm, I'll be looking forward to that then. I'll decide tonight and let you know tomorrow, and I'll pass on your 'hellos' to the others. Talk soon Carm".

I smile into the phone, mildly disappointed that our conversation had to end so soon.

"Talk soon Ivy".

With that, I hear the beep of an ended call as Ivy hangs up the line. A sudden wave of exhaustion washes over me as I move my phone down to my lap, checking the time. It was 1:15 in the morning. Raising my eyebrows, I nod at my phone, surprised at how late it was. I should probably try to get some sleep as I'll be arriving at my stop in about seven hours from now and I would much prefer to not be falling asleep at every given moment.

Setting my phone down next to myself, I grab a blanket out of my carry bag and drape it over my lap, removing my jumper and folding it into four before placing it onto the seat to my left. Reaching up above myself, I pull a cord that turned off the lights in my little train booth, engulfing myself in darkness. The only form of light that I had at this stage was the gentle light from the moon, it would be full soon. Laying down, I place my head onto my jumper and pull my blanket up higher, closing my eyes and relaxing my body.

Right as I began to doze off, I felt a strange feeling of wariness make itself known in my gut, enticing me to sit up and evaluate my surroundings. Within a couple of seconds of having my eyes open, I heard a light tapping on my booth door. Someone was there. Averting my eyes to the glass section of the door, I keep my body motionless as I trace the figure with my eyes and their every possible movement.

If I stayed still then they would not see me and assume I was sleeping and most likely leave.

*tap, tap, tap*

"Excuse me, uh, I know you are awake.. can I come in? My booth has no heating and it's really cold out here".

Or maybe not.

Cautiously eyeing the door, I slowly raise myself from the seats and brace my hand into a fist, ready to fight off a possible threat. Standing tall, I cautiously step my way over to the door before grasping the cool metal handle with one hand and undoing a lock with the other. Twisting the handle, I edge the door open bit by bit.

"Hello... Um.. yes you may".

It was a man, not that much taller than me, and Australian. Or perhaps Kiwi. I couldn't see many of his facial features, other than the fact that he had a man bun and a couple bags with him. I wracked my brain for any vocal recognitions, however, nothing matched.

Standing aside, I made room for the strange man to come inside.

"Cheers mate, sorry 'bout how odd this is. I went to the train staff to ask about the heating and they told me that the booth I chose was meant to be closed, though the person on duty of closing it off didn't get around to it, hence me choosing the unlucky booth. They told me I would have to ask to share booths with somebody else seen as though all others are booked, and I saw your light go out, so I came here. Sorry and cheers again".

The man laughed, rubbing what I assumed was the back of his neck. His explanation seemed pretty truthful and his reasoning honest.

"That's no problem, sorry that you got a faulty booth, that must've sucked".

"Hah, tell me 'bout it" He joked.

Smiling, I close the door and return to my seat, watching as he put his bags in the overhead luggage area, leaving out a blanket of his own. Smart man.

"So, what's your name mate?"

"Carmen. And you?"

I see him whip his head around, before shaking it and laughing lightly.

"I had a friend called Carmen, though I've not seen her in a long time. My name is Grah-Grayson. Grayson".

I raise my eyebrow at his stutter, smirking lightly.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Grah-Grayson" I tease.

"Haha, as to you Carmen".

With that, we both fell silent, just basking in the pleasant atmosphere of the booth with the same idea of sleep on our minds.

Slipping back into my 'bed', I pull my blankets back over myself and close my eyes, listening carefully at everything around me. I hear some stuffing around, something dropping on the floor, followed by a second something, more shuffling, then a satisfied sigh. Peering over my shoulder, I see the outline of a body laying on the seat across from mine.

"Did you just take your shoes off?"

"Hm? Ah yeah mate, can't sleep with shoes on, that's just crazy".

Grah-Grayson laughs at his own statement, finding humour in my question.

I feel my lips draw into a thin line as I shuffle my feet around awkwardly, my shoes very much still on.

Am I crazy?

"G'd'night mate, thanks again for letting me in on such short notice".

"No, no, that's fine. Goodnight".

It felt strange saying goodnight to a stranger, though I had most definitely done stranger.

I feel my eyes shoot open rather rapidly, my heart pounding against my ribcage as I scramble to sit upright, taking in my surroundings eagerly before eyeing the strange man in the booth with me. I check the room once again for anything out of the ordinary, before removing the blanket from my body and standing, striding my way over the door and yanking it open silently and slipping out, closing it behind myself. I needed some fresh air.

Making my way to the end of the train, I open a door that leads to a small balcony attached to the carriage. Immediately the wind hits me, blowing my hair to the side.

Sucking in a deep breath of air, I relax my shoulders and close my eyes. I had a nightmare — rather a memory — that Coach Brunt had broken into my booth and tied me up, much like before, and decided that enough was enough and planned to end things then and there.

A pretty sad nightmare, huh.

I enjoy the breeze a little longer before turning around and opening the door, walking back into the train carriage and back to my booth. Opening the door, I am surprised to see Grah-Grayson awake and sat upright, watching out of the window at the scenery. It was early for him to be awake, it was about five in the morning and the sun had begun rising, casting a gentle glow in the booth.

"Ah, mate, there you are, are you alr-......."

The words leave his mouth as he stares at me in surprise, horror, happiness, sadness and recognition... a mix of everything. Exactly what I was feeling.

Tears fill my eyes as I gaze at the male before me. It couldn't be...

"G-Gray?"

"Black sheep..?."

Grah-Grayson stands up, tears in his own eyes as he stares at me intently.

Stepping forward, I feel my arms raising slightly and before I knew it I was lunging for him, sobs wreaking through my lips as tears flowed heavily from my eyes. Engulfing him in my arms, I feel him do the same with just as much ferocity. I hear sobs come from him too, his chest rising and falling quickly and sharply with each gasp of air.

Before anything could be said, I feel anger suddenly wash over me, leading me to remove my arms from around him and shove him away harshly, placing some distance between us.

A confused whimper leaves his mouth, clearly unintentionally, but before he could say anything I let months worth of hurt, confusion, upset and anger form into words and flow out freely.

"Gray where were you?! W-What did you mean 'don't tell her' that you woke up!! Do you know how long I waited for you to wake up in the hospital, unable to see you or hear from you, not knowing that you had long gone?! Do you- Do you know how long I WAITED fOR YOU? Three months Gray- three months that you were gone and I was waiting for you to wake up so that we could start over, so that I could know you were okay!" The words kept flowing out, no matter how much I tried to stop them. Although I didn't try. I couldn't bring myself to try. I started pacing back and forth as I rambled, making sure the emphasis on certain words came out.

"Carmen, let me explain, I-"

I cut him off, anger still clouding my better judgement.

"NO Gray, you don't get to explain until you hear me!! I searched EVERYWHERE for days, weeks, months for you, thinking that something had happened to you, only to be told by Chief that you had requested to not have your condition or whereabouts revealed to me! Why Gray, why..? If you were angry or upset at me and didn't want to see me, you could have just told me instead of making me worry like that! I spent so many nights awake trying to find out where you were with the help of Player, but nothing!! NOTHING!"

I heave out everything that has been resting on my shoulders, the feeling of relief evident on my shoulders as a weight had been lifted.

"Carmen I was never upset at you, more of I was upset at myself. It was my fault that you had been captured and lured in, I knew what was happening and I could have prevented it, but I didn't. I blamed myself for you being brainwashed and hurt, and for myself being hurt. I was such an idiot and I didn't want to do something that could hurt you again-"

"And yet you did.." I remark with a whisper, adverting my eyes as I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging myself and sniffling as I did so.

"I know and I'm sorry... I didn't want to interfere with your life, not after everything that had happened. VILE was caught and disbanded, you had information on your mother, everything was over and you had a fresh start ahead of you and I didn't want to get in the way of that. So, I changed my identity and lived away from the public eye, hidden away where you could not find me. It wasn't just a fresh start for you, it was one for me too... I asked for you to not be told of my departure, even though Cheif strongly suggested against it, the same with that Julia lady. I told them it was my only request, and they allowed it eventually. I now realise that wasn't a good idea and that it hurt you much more than I believed it could or would... I am so sorry Carmen.. I really am so, incredibly sorry.. I can't blame you if you are angry at me, I gue-"

"Of course I'm angry at you!! I finally realised after all of that time that I was in love with you, and I was prepared to tell you, only to find that you were gone! Those three months left in the dark were pure heaven compared to the.. the shitty, crappy, horrible feelings once I found out you were gone!"

I watch as Gray's eyes widen in surprise, as he stutters his next sentence, his face flushed from tears, much like my own.

"C-Carmen.. you- what did you just.. what did you just say?"

"That I realised after all of this time that I was in love with you, so very incredibly in love with you, and that I was prepared to tell you!" I growl.

We both stand there in silence, the cool feeling of my tears drying up on my face present. Sudden realisation dawns upon me at what I had just boldly announced. Smacking my hand over my mouth, I gasp, my eyes widening as the realisation finally sets in completely.

Nothing is said between us as we just stare one another in the eyes, waiting for the other to speak.

"Gray, I-"

I cut myself short as Gray abruptly strides towards me confidently, raising his hands to cup my cheeks as I step back, unsure of what was happening. Staring down into my eyes, Gray smiles gently.

"You always were a cheeky one, sneaking your way into my heart the way you did".

My stomach fills with butterflies at that, a small smile making its way onto my face, accompanied by little giggles. Soon enough, I was laughing uncontrollably into Gray's chest, him onto my shoulder.

The laughter died down soon after, we were just left with warm smiles on our faces.

Moving his hand across my face, his thumb stroking my cheek and his other hand caressed the back of my neck, he looks down at my lips before looking into my eyes.

"May I?"

That one sentence had my stomach doing flips as though I were a schoolgirl who just confessed her undying love to her crush and received the same feelings back, though I guess in some respects I was that schoolgirl, just a little older.

"You may".

With that, Gray leans down, pressing his lips gently against mine and pulling away. I did not feel those fireworks that people would describe a true-loves kiss as, rather I felt complete, safe, happy, joyous, excited, calm, at peace and so many more pleasant things, much better than those so described fireworks.

Leaning in for a second kiss, I met Gray halfway with just as much passion, more ferocity this time, however. Soon though, we had to depart for air, a gentle blush growing over both of our cheeks.

"Carmen, I-"

"Excuse me, are you two alright in there? I could faintly hear you arguing from next door".

Looking behind me, there was an older woman stood in the doorway, a concerned look on her face.

"Yes, we are alright madame, thank you for your concern. Sorry for the noise, everything is sorted now" I explain, turning to face the woman.

"Very well then, there is no need to apologise my dear, as long as you are both okay. Oh, and sorry for interrupting your moment"

The lady giggles cheekily, before making her way back to her booth while rambling on about young love, or something along the lines.

"We should probably close the door, no?"

"Yes, we should. You, mister, have a lot to explain to me, especially what you have been up to since we last saw one another".

I smile as I leave Grays embrace, walking to the door and closing it.

"As do you. We have a while till we reach my destination, so shall we?"

"Hmm... I say sleep and then explain at a later time, on a date perhaps?"

"Friday, 8PM at Au Vieux Paris d'Arcole?" Grey wiggles his eyebrows, a smile on his face as he does so.

Laughter bubbles in my throat as I sniffle, wiping away any tear streams on my face as I nod my head eagerly.

"Call it a date".

A/N: This is my first ever oneshot/story piece that I've done on here and I honestly do not know how good it is, or how bad it is. All I can hope is that it's decent. It was inspired by @wizardsoffthecoast who had mentioned something about this, so here we are. I hope you enjoy it!

(I do apologise for any spelling mistakes!)

THIS BITCH FUCKING DYING XD XD X'D

This is a lighthearted comedy fic, but I’m going to give a warning for mention/talks of suicide and death.

Now this may be a shocking sentiment to share; but being in a killing game fucking sucked, even if you were Momota Kaito. As ludicrous as that statement appears, heroes had a tough time in tragedy too. Kaito found himself feeling disappointed more often than he would like at the sight of his companions distrusting each other. How were they supposed to work together and escape if people were “scared” that they would be “murdered”?! Kaito believed in trust to the bitter end and he would see that philosophy through. To point the finger at others and accuse them of murder is simply what the mastermind wanted him to do, and if Kaito was anything he was not a loser.

But that’s part of what made his sidekick so incredible! No hero was complete without his supporting role! Of course, Shuichi was much more than a supporting role. In many ways he was the protagonist of his own world (Kaito is still the hero of this story, make no mistake). Even though Shuichi relied on the motivation of others to see himself through, he was probably one of the most capable men he’d ever met. His intinution and detective skills were essential to each trial when his thoughts weren’t fogged up by mental recoil. And despite his reclusive demeanor, he was a good friend to have that everyone wanted the best for. Shuichi was Kaito’s sidekick and it showed! For his sidekick had to stand on his own as one of the best!

...Well, maybe sometimes Shuichi didn’t have a leg to stand on because he didn’t look so dependable laying face-down on the ground. 

“Shuichi! Are you- what are you doing?” 

Shuichi was down on the ground in front of his Ultimate Lab with his foot stuck propping the door open. He didn’t lift his head up when Kaito called out his name, instead opting for a string of gibberish and raising one hand off the ground. 

“No, seriously. What are you doing?” Kaito propped the dizzy detective up against the wall, catching him as he nearly swayed back down to the floor in response. Kaito took note of his flushed face and unfocused demeanor. There wasn’t...booze in this killing game right? That would suck. A killing game and booze wouldn’t mix well. Although some may disagree and say a pint is just the pick me up after watching one of your friends be slaughtered.

“M-Momota-kun…” it seemed Shuichi was gathering his bearings again. He braced himself against Kaito by gripping his sleeves. 

“Alright, c’mon Shuichi. Let’s get you to the others. I’m sure they can help us out somehow!”

“Ah but...first things first…” Shuichi looked up at Kaito with a determined resolve in his eyes typically reserved for class trials. 

“If I die, it’s a suicide.”

Huh?

Huh?

HUH?!

WHAT?!

“Shuichi?!” Kaito shook Shuichi by the shoulders until he looked ready to pass out and keel over for good, “Why would you do that?! You have so much to live for!”

And Shuichi had the damn nerve to look exasperated by the panic, “Ack- Momota-kun please calm down it was an accident!”

“How do you accidentally kill yourself?!”

“Well it happens all the time really but-”

“That’s not reassuring coming from you! Just-” Kaito took a deep breath to steady his frustrations, “why the hell are you dying?”

“It’s- haha, well uhm, it’s a bit of a funny story you see-” Shuichi stopped his ramblings at Kaito’s unimpressed glare, Shuichi sighed and slumped over with a sense of shame and embarrassment, “I was in my lab familiarizing myself with the various poisons in case anyone tried to use one, but ended up dropping a bottle of powder on the floor and inhaling quite a bit.”

“T-that sounds pretty serious…” Kaito mumbled. “How do you treat a toxic inhalant?...How do I help you..? Just say the word and I’ll be there, sidekick!”

Shuichi closed his eyes and rested against the door. After a moment he said “At this rate, people will assume you killed me since you were with me all this time. So, to prove that it was a suicide-”

“Shuichi I asked how to save you not how to solve your murder.”

Shuichi tilted his head with a fog of puzzlement in his eyes, “...but solving murders is what I do?”

“Well don’t do it right now! I’m trying to prevent your death!”

“Hm.” Shuichi seemed to have to rethink his evaluation, but the situation hadn’t changed. “This is a killing game, Momota-kun. I don’t think surviving or saving is on par with the course of action the mastermind planned out.”

“W-well if there’s a poison, there’s an antidote right?”

Shuichi shook his head, “No, there’s probably enough materials to make one, but... I’m not a chemist.”

“Let’s ask Iruma to make one then!”

“She’s not a chemist either.” Not to mention Shuichi didn’t trust any sort of edible concoction Miu put together. He wasn’t sure what she would create, but he did know it would make him want to die even faster.

“Ok then, let’s ask Harumaki!”

“Wh- Momota-kun, Harukawa-san kills people!”

“Yeah, so maybe she knows how to unkill people too! I’m pretty sure she can do basically anything.”

Shuichi, with his head now in his hands, decided that it would be easier to simply go along with Kaito’s antics. His body felt weak and gross and his head was splitting, which was a shame because in all honesty that powder had smelt nice. If only it didn’t leave his lab in need of a quarantine. It could’ve been a good candle scent. Or perhaps Shuichi was just veering into delirium. Dying will do that to you. 

He was definitely veering into delirium because one moment he was staring down at his hands and the next he was being carried by Kaito. The worst part of it all was that it didn’t match his daydreams of being romantically carried bridal style by his crush. Instead he was a heavy sack of dead weight plopped against Kaito’s back trying to keep his nausea down as Kaito descended a set of stairs.

“Wh-what’re you doing?” Shuichi mumbled upon realizing that he couldn’t remember Kaito’s plan. If he had one.

“We’re going to get you help!” Shuichi thought it was a pretty bad idea. It would just make the trial even more confusing and he wouldn’t be able to clarify since corpses don’t make for good witnesses. Even if he wanted to voice that though, he ended up in a nasty coughing fit that left him gasping for air.

“Dammit!” Kaito hissed out, “If only Tojo was still here!”

That Shuichi agreed with. If Kirumi was here she would somehow manage to create a cure even though that was absolutely not in the job description of a maid. Her backstory concerned Shuichi quite a bit.

“There he is!” Kaito yelled out, picking up his pace from a light jog to a full run.

“We’re...w-w’re going to ask him for help...?” Shuichi mumbled, before letting out a loud groan, “no, that’s okay...j-just let me die then.”

“Oi Monokuma!” If it weren’t for the imminent danger that would result from it, Kaito would be throttling Monokuma until something broke. “You have to help Shuichi, dammit! Give him a cure or some shit!”

Monokuma tilted his head, looking up at Kaito with pseudo-innocence, “are you stupid or something?”

“Wh-” Kaito nearly lost his anger in confusion, only for it to come back tenfold, “you have to help him!”

“No I don’t, lol.” Monokuma shrugged, “I think the bastard dropping dead would be great! Honestly any of you mistakes would do, he’s not special or anything.”

“He’s our detective!”

“Yeah, you lot are screwed without him, huh?” Monokuma let out a cackle, curled in on his stomach like Shuichi dying was the highlight of his day. “Sounds so beary hopeless to be without a protag, huh! Man we’ve lost two protags in one show, that’s a new record! Someone write that down, I want a medal!”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about…” Kaito shifted Shuichi higher up on his back, ignoring the mumbles in his ear of what evidence to use in the trial, “but don’t start planning yet! Shuichi isn’t dying on my watch!”

Monokuma nodded, “yeah, you are stupid.”

“Fine then I’m going to Harumaki! She was my first plan anyway since you’re so useless!”

“Useless?” Monokuma’s voice wobbled, his head tilted down like a child being told to apologize for wrong doing, “and after all I’ve done for you too...I don’t have to provide you lot with food and shelter, you know.”

“Ahh shut up! We don’t have time for your weird feelings!” 

The world became another dizzying blur as Kaito ran off yet again. “Don’t worry Shuichi! I’m taking you to Harumaki! She’ll have everything figured out!”

---

“You inhaled a toxic powder from your lab?”

Shuichi nodded.

“And you’ve gotten no treatment this entire time?”

Shuichi nodded.

“How are you not dead already?”

Shuichi shrugged.

Maki sighed and pinched her nose, wondering how the hell these two idiots got themselves into such a mess, “Saihara, I always thought if you were going to die it would be from murder and not from some bullshit like this.”

Which was a fair assumption really. Being the detective among them, the group learned to rely on Shuichi’s deductions to solve the murders. Without him, there would be a lot of chaos that the killer could use to trick everyone. Wait. Why has no one tried to kill Shuichi again? Shuchi couldn’t tell if he was a lucky man or not, but considering he was currently dying on his crush’s back it’s safe to say he leaned towards unlucky.

Maki turned to Kaito, glaring at him in a way that said she wanted to help but the situation sucked to do anything, “what exactly do you want me to do about this?”

“Save him, of course!” “I’m not a doctor. I’m the opposite. I kill people.” 

Shuichi wished desperately that he could say “I told you so”

“Look Harumaki, we can’t just let him die like this! We’re his friends so we have to do whatever we can to help him! Not just for us, but for Akamatsu too! She wanted him to live!”

Harukawa’s steel glare seemed to melt a little at that.

“So we need a plan!” Kaito said, “and the plan is to save Shuichi!”

“That’s not a plan, that’s a goal. And it’s a stupidly impossible goal too.”

“Nothing is impossible!”

Shuichi wondered if he could just close his eyes and die to avoid all the yelling he’s had to endure today. 

Another voice joined the conversation with a loud cry of “what’s impossible!?” It was none other than Iruma Miu, confidently placing herself into the scene when no one asked her to. Kiibo was with her, following at a much slower pace with an expression that screamed second-hand embarrassment. With her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face, she ensured all parties had their eyes on her before speaking again.

“Because this hard-headed freak is right! Nothing is impossible with my beautiful plump brain around! What is it you’re looking for? A new way to pull off a fictional r18 move? I knew you three were depraved, but don’t worry Mama Miu has got it covered-”

“No, you idiot.” Maki cut her off without a drop of sympathy. Shuichi didn’t have any sympathy either though, so really it was just relatable. “Saihara is dying.”

“Eh? What?” Miu’s voice fell into a submissive whimper. She curled in on herself and fiddled her hands together. “That doesn’t sound good…”

“Yes dying is usually not good.”

Kiibo worriedly hovered near Kaito, trying to get a good look at Shuichi, “is he ok?”

“No. Because he is dying.”

Miu seemed to have panic in her eyes, “he can’t die! Not yet anyway! Who killed him huh?! Who’s trying to escape?!”

“Iruma!” Kaito ignored her questions, “you can save him, right?! He was poisoned, and you always say that you can do anything!”

“I-I mean yeah I can but… but I don’t know anything about biocompatibility... I honestly just put things in the body and hope it works…I would need more time...”

“Then what about you Kiibo?! Maybe you can...I don’t know- analyze the poison and come up with a cure!”

“My algorithm doesn’t do that...I could do a Google search if we were given WIFI access though...”

“Dammit does anyone have an idea to save Shuichi?!”

“Oh! Oh!” Miu raised her hand, “I’ve seen people induce vomiting in movies to stop poison! That’ll work, yeah?!”

Maki, realizing that this conversation was going to draw out far longer than to her liking, pulled out a chair and sat in it, “first of all: do not do that. Second of all it was an inhalant. I don’t think that will stop his lungs from shutting down any time soon.”

“I know!” Kiibo turned to Miu with a determined look, “Iruma-san! Repurpose my wiring so that my hands function as a defibrillator!”

“Did you not hear what I just said?” Maki asked.

“Well it might stop Saihara-kun from dying if his heart stopped!”

“There’s nothing we can do.” Maki stressed, “we just have to lay him down, monitor him,, and hope he lives” 

“Harumaki that’s the same as giving up!”

“Hey hey!” No. God dammit. Sure, let’s keep complicating the dialogue. Shuichi was having a very bad day. Could this poison just finish him off already instead of leaving him on death’s doorstep? Fucking rude. Ouma Kokichi, hearing the glorious sounds of frantic arguing, skipped over to the group with a peachy look on his face.

 “What’s wrong with you all? You’re acting like somebody died.” Kokichi did a dramatic gasp, covering his mouth with his hands, “did someone die?! Did someone finally kill Keeboy?!” 

Kiibo stopped debating with Miu to give Kokichi an unimpressed look, “seriously?”

“Nishishi- yeah, I guess that would be too lucky.”

“Can you take something seriously for once in your life?” Maki glared, “because somebody will die if we can’t figure this out. Saihara inhaled a toxic powder and we aren’t sure how much time we have left to save him.”

“Ehh?” Kokichi’s face turned from confusion to worry. He’d clearly thought Maki was messing with him until he saw Shuichi’s half conscious body draped over Kaito looking very much like a victim of poison. Just as quickly as his expression changed it turned into an over exaggerated ploy they’d all seen a million times. His eyes filled with tears, his lip quivered, his nose started to sniffle. With a hiccup in his voice he began to whimper, “one of you guys is trying to kill my Saihara-chan?! I thought you all were preaching about friendship and trust and ending the killing game!”

Kokichi tilted his head back as he fell into a full on sob. A loud childish ear-breaking wail resounded as tears poured from his eyes with practiced ease. “You guys are so awful!” he yelled in between his sobs, “how could you do this?! Saihara-chan can’t die!”

“Would you shut the fuck up, flat ass!’ Miu yelled. 

And just like that Kokichi’s sobs had turned off. A complete 180 from his previous demeanor. It was like he hadn’t cried at all. His eyes weren’t red and puffy, his nose was dry, and his body was relaxed and poised. He stared camly down at his fingernails, examining them as though this situation was nothing more than a slight inconvenience to his day. “I’m serious, you know. I would never joke or lie. Saihara-chan can’t die, this game wouldn’t be the same without him.”

Kaito nearly asked Kokichi what he meant. Did he care about Shuichi? Did he care about their survival? Was he finally coming around? 

“Oi Monokuma!” Kokichi yelled. Monokuma bounced into the scene as though he was on Kokichi’s beck and call. “Hey did you know that Saihara-chan is dying? Like right now? And we’re all just watching that?”

Okay. Maybe he wasn’t starting his redemption arc then. Maybe he’s still the same piece of shit Kokichi.

“Ouma, what are-”

“Of course I know! It’s pretty funny, huh Ouma-kun?”

Kokichi laughed along with Monokuma, as though they were cut from the same tree. But then suddenly he was back to that semi-disappointed demeanor. “Yeah. Saihara-chan is dying. And doesn’t that really suck? This game is going to sooo be terrible without him. In his trial I bet we’re all going to die because these morons can’t think without him. You know that too, don’t you, Monokuma? WIthout Saihara-chan your show is going to be cut off in this most annoying and unentertaining way. Ahhh I can’t believe this is how the game ends. After all that build up too. I don’t think I even want to be a part of this any more honestly. I’d much rather pig breath die.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

 Monokuma seemed taken aback by Kokichi’s analysis. He pondered it for a moment, nervously looking around and imagining all the lovely executions that would go to waste if Shuichi died right now. With a sigh he pulled out a very suspicious bottle from-...actually where did he pull that bottle from? Not important. What was important was that there was finally a cure in front of them, the one they’d been asking for all this time.

“Give him this and the brat should be good as new!” and with that Monokuma popped away.

Kokichi, holding the vial, smiled brightly at the others, “Here you go! Don’t let Saihara-chan die again okay! I don’t care if any of you others do but Saihara-chan is very special m’kay?”

…

…

...

“So you mean…I really could have asked Monokuma for a cure?! The bastard was just lying to me!?”

Em, I'm here to request my favourite trope, and that is the ✨stress stomach ache✨ Maybe two of your boys are out on a date, but one of them is extremely anxious about something that's been happening at work; he tries his best to not let it ruin the evening, but racing thoughts and an upset stomach eventually overwhelm him and he admits to his partner that he's not doing so well (I'm imagining sick/stressed Naoko, but please choose whoever you think it'd work for!)

Flick, you are an angel, thanks for the request. This was my first time writing this trope and I'm not really satisfied with how it turned out but I hope you can still enjoy it somehow!

For reference: Marissa is Naoko's superior/boss

Stress

characters: Sevan and Naoko warnings: implied emeto, mention of food, slight angst (I think?)

“Babe? Babe! Are you listening?”

“Hm?” Naoko questioned as he finally looked up from his hands.

“So you weren’t listening.” Sevan sighed. “What’s going on with you today?”

Naoko jumped a little at the question. He thought he’d been subtle. The couple was currently out on their first date night in forever and both men had been looking forward to this evening. Unfortunately, Naoko was not enjoying himself as much as he’d liked.

“Nothing baby, really. Work was hard, that’s all.” Naoko tried to reason, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.

Sevan raised his eyebrows at that. His boyfriend was obviously keeping something from him. He also hadn’t missed the hand Naoko protectively kept on his stomach. “Work is always hard for you, babe but you never get like this.”

“Like what?”

“You’re fidgety, distracted and you seem uncomfortable. Is it me? Did I do something wrong?” Sevan asked nervously.

“No! Baby, no. I just had a really hard day. I’m fine though, I promise.” Naoko was trying to sound reassuring, but Sevan could see right through his act. He also knew however, that his boyfriend was stubborn. Too stubborn to admit something was bothering him, so Sevan decided to drop the matter.

While Sevan went back to digging into his delicious meal, Naoko was barely picking at his. His stomach was in knots and it was starting to get really painful.

Due to Covid life at the hospital was upside down and today had been especially bad. Naoko had double as many patients to tend to and double as many shifts to cover. It was only a matter of time until a mistake was going to be made, and today might have been the day.

Nao winced as a cramp shot through his abdomen. What if he really had messed up today? What if he was going to lose his job? What was he supposed to do then? What if-

Naoko hadn’t even realized he’d spaced out again until Sevan gently nudged his arm.

“Baby, talk to me please. You look like you’re about to have a panic attack.” Sevan was getting really worried. His boyfriend was pale and sweating, his breathing was quick and shallow, and his hand was now clenching at his stomach.

“Today-“ Naoko trailed off, taking a deep breath, trying his best to collect himself. “I messed up today.”

“What do you mean you messed up?” Sevan asked, gently encouraging his boyfriend to keep talking.

“A guy came into the ER for stomach pain. He looked okay, so I told him to sit down and wait. It was full as always, so it took a while until we could get to him. He repeatedly asked me to speed things up and I was getting agitated at that because I was obviously busy as hell and he looked fine! I just figured he was being whiny. So I let him wait. Then suddenly the guy starts screaming out of nowhere. Turns out he had acute appendicitis and his appendix burst in the waiting room.” Naoko stopped talking, once again closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath.

“Okay and how is the guy now?” Sevan asked, not quite understanding the problem.

“He is fine. He’ll be discharged in a couple of days.”

“Alright but then what are you so worked up about?” Sevan wondered aloud.

Naoko’s eyes widened at the question. “What am I worked up about? The guy’s appendix burst because of me! I’m supposed to see stuff like that coming! It’s my job to evaluate the severity of a patient’s condition and to make sure they get the help they need! And today I failed! The guy could sue the hospital for that! I could lose my job and-“

“Okay baby, breathe. It’ll be okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. And I’m sure Marissa agrees with me on that. You’re a good and competent nurse. Very, very overworked but nonetheless competent.”

“Marissa said the same thing.” Nao mumbled. Taking a couple of deep breaths, he finally started to calm down after his little rant. Apparently getting this off his chest was much more helpful than he had anticipated.

“She also told me to stop worrying.” Now that he was calming down all his focus shifted to his stomach. It was hurting so much he was getting nauseous and the steak in front of him made an offending sight.

“Then what the hell are you still worried about? Jesus Christ, I thought you killed someone or something like that.” Sevan laughed, gently rubbing up and down Naoko’s shoulder.

Nao joined the laughter, suddenly feeling ridiculous about his outbreak. He didn’t know either what was bothering him so much. Maybe he really was simply overworked.

Then another wave of pain made it’s way through his stomach, so intense Naoko doubled over, panting slightly.

Sevan stopped laughing immediately. “Does it hurt bad?” He asked, noting the obvious pain his boyfriend was in. Naoko has always been prone to stress-induced stomach aches, but they rarely got this bad.

Nao nodded, straightening up slightly. “Yeah, it’s kinda bad. Guess I got myself pretty worked up.” He chuckled dryly.

Sevan bit his lip. “Do you feel like you’re gonna throw up?”

Naoko didn’t really want to think about that right now but the both of them knew there was a very real chance of exactly that happening.

“Maybe, I’m not quite sure.” He stopped, considering the way he was feeling at the moment. “I do feel pretty sick.”

“Alright.” Sevan stated, rubbing his hands together. “We’re leaving.”

“No! No, I’ll be fine! We are supposed to be enjoying tonight!”

“Baby, I won’t be enjoying myself knowing you are anxious and in pain. And judging by everything that happened tonight you desperately need some sleep. Let’s go home, I’ll rub your stomach for you and hopefully put you to sleep.” Sevan said, already getting up to leave.

“That actually sounds kind of nice.” Naoko sighed a little. He’d tried to keep up a façade all evening to make sure Sevan had a great night but going to bed honestly sounded like heaven right now.

And that is how they found themselves in their car on their way home.

“I’m sorry for ruining date night. It’s gonna be a while until we’ll be able to do this again.”

Sevan looked over at his boyfriend, who fortunately seemed to be doing slightly better already. He still had a careful hand on his stomach, but he luckily had some color back to his face.

“It’s alright, I just want you to feel better. You’ve been working way too much lately so a relaxing night at home is probably good for you. Besides, every night I spent with you is date night. I don’t need fancy restaurants and expensive food to enjoy your company.”

“Aw, that was the sweetest thing you ever said to me. Turns out you do love me after all.” Naoko joked, earning himself a half-hearted slap on the shoulder.

Yes, his boyfriend really did love him.

Yeah today is one of those “I have no motivation to do anything ever again.” type days. Everything is stressing me out again and I honestly just want to fucking disappear for a few weeks. I swear there’s actually something wrong with me. Like mentally. Maybe I need to check my mom up on the offer to check myself in to ASPIRE.

Nothing is fucking helping anymore. A friend texted me about their homecoming experience and it just threw me back into the same spiral. And I’ve got tests and writing tomorrow too. It’s just too much. And I can’t do anything about it. I just want to feel better but I don’t know if I want to be happy enough to do that.

And I could go talk to my therapist but she’s probably busy. And journaling means I have to deal with everything again. I feel like it’s too late in the day to nap. Shows will just make me think more, and so will movies.

But maybe I deserve all of this. I’ve been doing fine for too long anyways. And nothing lasts forever. It seems like I can’t be okay for too long without overreacting and making everything worse again. I just want my head to stop for a second. Because I know happiness is too far away. So is going outside again. So I might as well rot in my house. Maybe when i finally rot to my bones, I’ll feel better. Then nobody’ll want to visit. That could be for the best though.

And a new revelation has taught me that I’m much more insecure, and ugly than I originally thought. Wonderful. Or at least I think I am. Anyways. I’m tired of everything. And I’m tired of thinking about the future. And the past. And now.

I’ll never be normal at this point. If anyone new ever sees this, they’ll be horrified, I’m sure. Or even someone now. Nothing’s talked anymore so I don’t know what to expect. I probably need to get some sort of psychological evaluation. But if they find nothing, maybe I’m just deranged then. At least that’s a clear answer.

She was right, I am mentally exhausted. Hm. That’s just gonna have to do then.

✨ and 🍄 for the ask game!! The dialogue format sounds so adorable T_T♡ !!

Aahhh thank you so much! I thought it was a nice idea since I haven’t had a post where they just talk to each other for a while <33 I hope you’re doing well, Flake!!

All under the cut :)

[DNI if you ship and post about Nae//gami. Block me immediately and leave.]

—————

✨: what is a wish you'd like to make for me? or about our love?

/// it’s very hard to fully write Byakuya asking these questions naturally at times, but I think it’s fun!!

(Flowers brush up against S/I’s legs as she politely seats herself in the flower beds of the Togami private garden. She starts to pull at the flowers beneath her and intertwine them together, creating a chain of sorts. Nearby, Byakuya sits up in a lawn chair, preoccupied with a book. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect.)

F (excited): “Hey, Byakuya! Look at the new little friend I made. Your garden is absolutely blossoming with ladybugs!”

(Byakuya’s gaze lingers on her for a few moments.)

B: “Hm? Oh, I see...”

F: “Well, you’ve heard of the stories, right? Farmers used to pray to the Virgin Mary in order to protect their crops for a fruitful harvest. Ladybugs are considered to be symbols of good among farmers and a symbol of their prayers bearing fruit.”

(A breathy sigh escapes Byakuya’s lips accompanied by a dismissive roll of the eyes.)

B: “I do not indulge in simple farmers’ tales.”

F (sparky eyed): “But they also say if they land on you, it is believed that you will be granted a wish~”

B (slowly): “So... what will you wish for then?”

F: “Something for you.”

(Byakuya sits in bemusement, attempting to process what she has said. A few moments after, he snaps out of his thoughts and recomposes himself.)

B: “For... me? Darling, you are mistaken. Your naïvety never fails to surprise me. A Togami doesn’t need ‘wishes’ nor ‘luck’, we don’t believe in such things. All a Togami needs for success is himself.”

F: “...”

B: “...”

F: “You... only need yourself?”

B: “I — didn’t mean it like that. I suppose... I could indulge you. Go on. Tell me. What wish would you like to make for me?”

(S/I’s hands fidget with one and other, bending themselves in all sorts of contortions in hopes to relieve some of the anxiety bestowed upon her).

F (solemn): “... I wished that you’d always love me.”

B: “Well, you’ve wasted your wish away.”

(The speed of S/I’s fidgeting accelerates.)

F: “...”

B: “You already know.”

F (her tone, strained and her voice quickening): “You say it all the time, and you act like it too. But please, Byakuya, know that sometimes I still can’t comprehend that someone as successful and intelligent as you would even consider —“

B: “Loving you dearly? Stop with this idiotic prattle. You know how much I value you, don’t make me repeat myself.”

F: “I can’t help the bad thoughts sometimes, Byakuya. I just... haven’t felt myself recently. Maybe that’s it.”

(Byakuya picks himself off the lawn chair and kneels behind S/I. Hands lay gently on her shoulders in an almost-embrace type of fashion.)

B: “... I’ll always love you, darling. You know I would never let anyone get in the way of that.”

F: “...”

(S/I’s pained silence was rather deafening on its own.)

B: “How about an ultimatum? Make a second wish for me. This time, make it a good one.”

(There were a few abrupt moments of silence for S/I to evaluate her next words very carefully.)

F: “... I wish you got to see the Christmas lights at home, back where I grew up.”

B: “Surely nothing could be as astounding as the displays here.”

F: “It’s not about that, it’s just really special to me. And I want to share it with you, as obviously, you’re very special to me...”

(Byakuya pulls her back into him from the shoulders, resting his head atop hers. Even with such a cold heart, it shatters from merely feeling her shivers against his body.)

B (in a low whisper): “Oh, my darling... Perhaps, your wish will come true then.”

—————

🍄: what is the thing you are most proud of about me?

(S/I and Byakuya lay on the bed with S/I seemingly getting more tired and loopy by the minute. Byakuya’s grip around her periodically tightens every time she adjusts herself to snuggle into him more.)

F (lethargic, tripping over her words): I love you so, so, so much! No measurement comprehensible could describe the extent of my love for you. No matter the size of the planet, solar system, Uni—“

B: “Hush now.”

F (embarrassed): “... sorry...”

B: “You need to get some rest.”

F (disappointed): “I know. I know you’re just looking out for me.”

(Byakuya’s tone subtly warms in accordance to her hurt expression.)

B (softly): “Don’t look at me like that...”

F: “..?”

B: “It makes me... feel guilty.”

F (playfully pouting, mostly in an attempt to cheer herself up): “Then maybe you should let me finish telling you how proud I am to be your girlfriend!”

B: “Fine, fine. You win. You may tell me. But keep this short, I want you asleep very soon after. Just tell me the singular thing you are the most proud of about me.”

F: “... Gosh there’s so many things.”

B: “You’re under a time limit, don’t forget.”

F: “I’m really proud of the person you’ve become. You’re so much more tolerant; I’ve seen first hand how caring you can be, ahaha. I’m so proud of how much better you’re coping with vulnerability.”

B: “I really do not think I have changed.”

F: “There’s still a long way to go, but you’ve definitely become better.”

B: “This ‘change’ is only applicable to you, I can’t stand being among the unwashed masses.”

F: “Perhaps. But progress is progress nevertheless.”

B: “I hope you do realise I will never change for the scum beneath me.”

F (almost dismissively): “That’s a very ‘Byakuya’ approach.”

(S/I let s out a small giggle as she further nuzzles against his chest. Byakuya sighs, he attempts not to immediately succumb to his fatigue he’s hidden under his usual irritated demeanour.)

B (a tad raspy from exhaustion): “It’s time for rest, I will not tolerate any more nonsense.”

F (content): “Mhhmm. No more nonsense it is — until tomorrow of course.”

(S/I’s remark earns an eye roll from Byakuya, who then gently presses his lips against her forehead in a rather chaste fashion.)

B: “Goodnight.”

F: “Hey! Is that all I get?”

B (sighing): “Goodnight sweetheart, I love you.”

(Byakuya shifts cautiously to place a tender kiss on her lips before returning to his previous state).

F: “Night night! Don’t let the bed bugs bite...”

—————

[kuro yoshiwara melancholia] vol. 2: tenshou tatsuki - track two

2; a desire for tears

listen along・masterpost

                                                                                       ✿

The rain is quite horrible.

You’re finally here.

This place is rather sluggish, isn’t it?

Maybe it’s just cultural differences.

I’m not exactly pleased about being made to wait for a harlot.

I assume the fact you’ve brought this girl with you means she’s the one we spoke of.

Hm. That’s you, huh?

Then take me to your establishment right away.

                                                                                      ✿

What is this place?

It’s like a cage.

You want me to evaluate this prostitute here?

And what on earth is that?

Why are you wearing a blindfold? 

What bad taste!

Do the staff here really believe that will incite lust in their customers?

How foolish.

I, at least, now want nothing more than to finish our talk and leave immediately.

But… Hmm… I see…

I could indeed say you look quite attractive like this.

Not that I’m surprised; most high-ranking courtesan​ at least look good.

Oh, I apologise.

I’m Tatsuki Tenshou.

I’m a Commander in the Imperial Navy.

You said your name was Nanami, did you not?

Hm.

But I didn’t come all the way to Kirarou to ask that.

I’ll be direct.

Is it true you have mermaid blood?

So you deflect my question?

But there’s no need to hide it.

For your own sake.

Yes, that’s right.

If it is indeed true, I plan to pay off the rest of your debts immediately.

How does that sound?

I’m the eldest son of the Tenshou family.

You have no objections, of course? 

But I do hope you don’t misunderstand.

I’m not interested in you at all.

Not your face.

Not your body.

Not even that infamous unforgettably beautiful voice of yours.

All of those things you use to seduce and deceive customers have not even a drop of value for me.

I don’t have such dirty hobbies as taking harlots as concubines or wives.

I only want one thing.

The power of immortality hidden in your tears.

I have... personal reasons.

I need it immediately, no matter what.

If you really do have such a power, of course.

Are you really a mermaid?

Or is that a lie to make the game more fun?

Can you tell me?

Unfortunately, I don’t have much time.

If you continue to feign ignorance…

I may have to change my methods.

Of course, I would usually never talk to a person like you.

I’m making a special exception.

Women like you enjoy being humiliated like this, no?

Then it can’t be helped.

I’ll do as you wish.

Cry for me in return.

I’m resigning myself to the disgrace of being with you.

As reluctant as I am, I have to do this to achieve my goal.

That’s why I came to Kirarou.

As a player in this foul Kuroyoshiwara Game.

Now, come closer to me.

This is a trade.

There’s no need to hold back.

You want me to stop?

You say such odd things.

Are you saying you find my courting unpleasant?

Then there’s nothing for it.

The fastest way to verify these rumours is to make you cry.

Then maybe I should just threaten you like this.

It’ll be much easier to cry if you’re terrified.

Ah, just so you know, any sudden movements and you’ll get hurt.

You’ll be lucky if you just get hurt.

You look scared.

Then hurry up and cry like I told you!

I haven’t got time for this!

Not a single tear.

Not a word either.

You have more guts than I assumed.

You merely look weak.

Just as I thought.

Women in places like this always end up having grit.

You’re just like them.

I expected as much of someone who leads men around by the nose for a living.

In other words, I need a better plan if I want your tears.

I’ll leave it here for tonight.

Even if I was just threatening you, I don’t want to be seen waving a blade around.

I might lose my place in the game if I’m seen hurting you.

But I will make you cry soon.

Those odd tears of immortality.

I’ll tell you this now:

Don’t misunderstand me.

I won’t hurt you as long as you work with me.

The higher you decide, the larger your reward will be.

Listen to the rain and think hard tonight.

Then.

Goodbye.

That’s right.

I have no time.

                                                                                      ✿

Why is she going to the bathhouse at such a time as this?

That woman…

Huh? That’s…

Speak of the devil, as they say.

Oi, stop.

It won’t take long.

Oi, Nanami.

What great timing.

I just arrived at Kirarou now.

To talk to you, of course.

I came all this way and you weren’t even there.

You almost greatly wasted my time.

There’s no need to be so clearly on guard.

Your attitude really is something.

Did you forget what I said already?

So, are you going to work with me?

Tell me.

Silence, again.

Well, I thought that might be the case.

Then…

I’ll give you this.

It’s an invitation.

The papers haven’t stopped talking about it.

There’ll be a ceremony celebrating the launching of a new battleship soon.

A party, one might say.

Finally, Japan has made a ship which won’t lose to that of the Great Powers.

You’re not against celebrating the improvement of your country, are you?

Well, telling an uncultured woman such as you about such things is meaningless.

However, after the ceremony by the harbour, there’ll be a party at a nearby hotel.

Of course, it’s not just any party.

It’s a celebration of this country’s progress.

The prime minister and other elite bureaucrats will be in attendance.

My father will be leading the toast, as a fleet admiral in the Imperial Navy.

You understand what this means, of course?

You really are clueless.

There is no greater honour than leading such a toast.

My father’s honour is connected to the whole Tenshou family’s honour.

There won’t be many prouder days for me.

I’m going out of my way to invite you to witness such a moment.

What a privilege!

I know you’re confused.

It’s simple.

This is my new plan.

To obtain your tears, of course.

If threatening you does not work, then I’ll simply charm you into doing as I wish.

But that doesn’t change that I have no time.

And so, I decided the fastest way would be for you to have fun.

How is that?

It’s not an awful affair, right?

And it follows the rules of the game.

There are 5 other competitors in this game.

I don’t know who they are but I’ll lose everything if they sweep you off your feet before I can.

So I merely have to charm you to the point they don’t stand a chance.

I told you, did I not?

I’ve resolved myself to obtain your tears.

I’ll do anything to achieve my goal.

I’ll bear any pain and use any method I can.

If you attend this party, you’ll understand just how much of an honour it is to be under my care.

Even if what I want is not you, but your tears.

There is only one problem.

Usually, it would be impossible for a harlot to sneak into such a splendid affair.

I assume even you understand this?

But I have a plan.

I am going to introduce you as the person I have promised my future to.

Of course, to my father too.

Oi. Don’t misunderstand.

This is simply a means to an end.

I’d never choose someone such as you as my fiancée.

But introducing you as such will give you the rank you need to attend.

You’d be the fiancée of the eldest son of the Tenshou family.

Nobody would be able to disrespect you.

Do you understand?

I’m willing to go this far to allow you to live a fairy-tale-like moment.

Only I am able to do this. 

Even if the other contenders in this game were my family, they would be unable to.

You’re too surprised to talk?

If you choose me now, I’ll give you even more marvellous experiences.

If you cry now and hand over your tears, I wouldn’t even mind marrying you.

People will eventually accept you as some young woman I found and proposed to.

I don’t long for love.

So I don’t care who my partner is.

As long as I am compensated, of course.

Oh? You have no interest in becoming my wife?

So you don’t mind being swept away by some doubtful stranger?

Or would you like to spend your entire life here?

You really are a foolish woman.

Why don’t you stop this stubbornness?

I don’t know if it’s some technique used by prostitutes but it won’t work on me.

Whatever.

I gave you the invitation.

I’ll come to Kirarou to collect you on Friday evening.

Prepare yourself and wait.

I arranged for some trunks to be carried to your room.

They contain dresses and shoes; try them on as you wish when you return.

Yes, I knew you wouldn’t have an opulent dress to wear to a party.

I chose them all.

They’re all first-class goods, fitting for my fiancée.

I’ll be the one to suffer if you turn up in rags at the greatest moment the Tenshou family has faced so far.

And so I decided.

Make sure you dress so you don’t embarrass me or my father.

I bid you adieu.

My mermaid princess.

season three of she-ra rated by catradora content

the price of power: adora talks about how she thinks the others at the horde can change too and when u think about it in the “at this point in the story, she still hoped catra would change” way it’s like wow :’) we knew that but wow :’) it sucks tho that in this scenario she’s actually wondering specifically if shadow weaver can change, which :/ hm :/ bc shadow weaver sucks. adora really fucking called her out on her abuse tho which is so sexy, and yes that has nothing to do with catradora i just felt like i really wanted to mention it at least <3 shadow weaver is a loserrrr <3 but.... she does mention “catra betrayed me” which makes adora do her “oh, catra?👀” eyebrow raise. i swear she cannot keep a straight fucking face whenever someone mentions catra. it’s like. are you lgbt or something? :/ 2/10

huntara: no catra this episode, but adora’s reaction to huntara will forever go down as one of her stupidest gay moments. u think catra knew super huge buff ladies were adora’s type? how fucking funny would it be if catra thought she never stood a chance with adora not because of the internalized homophobia shadow weaver instilled in them but simply because she thought she was not tall and buff enough for adora’s taste. “adora doesn’t want me!!!!! not like i want her..... because i’m not swole😔” 0/10

once upon a time in the waste: very funny and sexy of catra 2 be like. hm. i was sent here to die. i have completely given up on my hopes and dreams. oh wait what did you say? she-ra?😏 and she was blonde?👀 she’s got a sword?😩 she was angry?😽 her name is adora?👅 and all of a sudden catra is like nope existential crisis over. i’m gay again. and also evil again. that mix culminates in her giving a sexy monologue. did you know that if you’re gay and evil you will give very sexy monologues? and also sword lesbians will fall in love with you despite your questionable morals? anyway, catra takes over the whole of the crimson waste. i won’t discuss how since technically it doesn’t involve catradora but it was really hot okay😔 also adora was being really hot and powerful and fearless (she did not even flinch as bats flew in her face. hello?) and Angery this ep but i will also not get into it😩 i will however remark upon how both catra and adora low key had meltdown monologues this ep, and it is :( but also hot and cool of them. now, i will move onto when they meet <3 catra starts slow clapping as her goons creep onto mara’s ship and poison dart the best friend squad. they only send three darts flying and the last one is blocked by huntara. we have to assume that catra only ordered her team to send three darts for huntara, bow, and glimmer, leaving adora for last because catra has to greet her with, and let’s say it all together—“hey, adora😼”. adora tries to make a run for her sword but catra uses her new sexy cool whip to take it away. “i think this might be the quickest i ever won a fight. always so dramatic with you, isn’t it, adora?” adora tells huntara to save bow and glimmer first, leaving adora as catra’s only prisoner. 👀👀👀👀 soon after, everyone is celebrating, and catra sits in the big chair on mara’s ship like it’s a throne, casually draped over with adora’s sword in her hand, the long blade just resting between her legs. and. hooooooooooooooo boooooooooooooiiiiii. let me just. let me just have a second over here okay folks? this is all very hard for my sexuality to take. i don’t think u all realize how hard it is to make these evaluations. every day i have a breakdown over how hot one of them is. it’s one thing to just watch the show but every time something gay happens (so like, every five seconds) i gotta pause it and take notes (by take notes i really mean start ranting about it like this) and then i gotta like rewind it and shit to double check and i have to force myself to just be repeatedly subjected to the gayness. starting to get a little homophobic tbh! okay back to the show. catra is so fucking sweet and makes everyone cheer scorpia on too. she breaks out into this beautiful giggle. oh my god her laugh. bitches falling for this catgirl left and right smh. catra grabs scorpia’s claw and drags her away from the party. we also find out this is when catra learns about what a party is. remember how adora didn’t know what a party was either? :( damn. they deserve to have absolute ragers ok. catra starts talking about how valued and cool she will be when they go back and show hordak the sword, etc, and scorpia is like. but what if we didn’t do that. what if we just stayed here and had a gay life. a good honest gay life filled with sick parties and gang leading. and catra is like oh right.... u have a point..... i do hate the horde...... wonder why that is.... and then scorpia makes a fatal mistake. she says “forget adora!” which is about the dumbest thing you can tell a self destructive catgirl who’s been in love with adora her whole life but also kinda resents her atm. and catra is like perhaps i don’t want to forget adora. did u consider that scorpia? did you not think about how i crave her lips upon my mouth every night? fuck u im gonna go uh... find adora n maybe tie her up even more idk >:( catra goes to “check on the prisoner”, according to her own words. what does that mean, catra. like what. ur gonna go see if adora wants some tea? something 2 eat?👅 someone to kiss? Fkskdjdjdj adora is obviously struggling against her restraints and trying to break free, and the second she sees her she goes “catra, you can’t do this! >:(“ and catra is like “well, hello to you, too.” because MANNERS, adora, like god damn it catra always puts in the tender loving care and effort to greet you and you can’t even say hello? :( catra dismisses the goon who was previously guarding adora, because when you.... talk to your..... best friend turned enemy who’s now your prisoner. ur gonna want some privacy ya know😌😩👀😔 anyway catra is like ok.... once again.... y can’t i do this. and adora is like more horde army might come in!!! which. adora baby i love you but maybe don’t make that the thesis statement of your sales pitch? to the person who was second in command at the horde?? not to nitpick but if i were u i would’ve just said “noooooo don’t open a portal that might destroy reality ur so sexy ahaha” OR “if u give me back my sword and decide NOT to rip apart the fabric of this dimension i’ll kiss you on the mouth❤️” i know that u think ur feelings are one sided and that catra isn’t in love with you and that you can’t seduce her to the bright side💔 but u actually could have 💔 fkdkdjdjdj moving on.... catra says “never a dull moment with you❤️” which is weirdly so romantic. like yeah they’re enemies but catra gets bored when adora isn’t around. life is always exciting when adora is there, in catra’s eyes :’( like damn bitch if you like her so much why don’t you just marry her haha. please? <3 adora continues to explain that we will ALL lose if hordak opens a portal, light hope and mara said that opening a portal will endanger everyone!! and catra says the funniest thing. “you’ll listen to anything weird old holograms tell you, won’t you? you should really try to get over that. :/“ LFKDKFKDKFKFKFJ GIRL YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING THIS FUNNY. but then adora says the wrong thing :( she brought up you know who and said “shadow weaver told me” and catra.... :( she’s like. how did. she tell you. and adora’s voice goes soft and it’s like “you didn’t know?” because from what she knows catra is allegedly the one who betrayed shadow weaver, not the other way around. and catra grabs adora by the collar and pulls her in and adora gets this gasp and. let me just scream for five minutes. okay. i’m back. so. catra pulls her in and she’s like HOW. and adora just very slowly and cautiously tells her the truth. that shadow weaver is in bright moon. and :( catra :( she lets go of adora and comes to this. very destructive realization that shadow weaver “left her” for adora and that all the pain she’s felt is all Because Of Adora. that, just by being adora, everything, all the happiness that catra could have had, has been taken away. which she is wrong about but that’s what she thinks :( and adora realizes that this is. not good. and she gently goes “catra?” because the look on her face must be worrying to adora, and catra starts to walk away and adora desperately calls out to her. “catra, please, you have to listen!” but...... it’s too late :( and catra is enveloped by the darkness. 9/10 for the collar grabbing shit and just the inherent gayness of their connection and interactions but also this is all so sad bros :( my bros are all devastated

moment of truth: catra walks back into the horde with her arm around adora’s shoulder. hm! Hm! HM! really doesn’t feel like she needs to do that! but she’s doing it anyway! later on, entrapta and adora are alone and talking. “catra would say anything to get whatever she wants.” true, but also not true, adora. she wants to be your gf, but has she said anything about it? no :/ that’s in like 2 seasons. and you were literally about to die so she low key had nothing to gain. so :/ think carefully next time. fjsjfjsjdjdjd entrapta pulls out the funniest cutest bar graphs of data, and there’s like four categories and for some reason catra has low scores for the first three but a really high score for the last one? i desperately want to know what that is. adora says “look, i understand. catra was my friend, too.” and she casts her eyes to the side when she says this. as if.... that statement is a lot more loaded than it seems. because yes catra was adora’s friend. but also wasn’t she, at the same time, so much more than that? yes <3 it was because they were best friends <3 gal pals <3 “but she makes bad decisions. this is one of them.” :( yeah i mean what am i supposed to do. disagree with that? it’s so wild to think about how even through all of this adora never hated catra. arguably, she never stopped loving her either. which. sigh😔 pour one out boys we are yearning tonight! entrapta leaves the room, asking adora if she’ll try to escape. and adora is like “no?👀” which is irrelevant but also really funny. another irrelevant thing i want to bring up is catra when she’s losing in a fight against shadow weaver. “so, what? you’re on the side of good now? you made me this way, and you get to be the good guy?” bro. fucking.... bro. catra’s lines istg.... also her being able to take on gang leaders and princesses and take those people down easily but to lose so quickly to shadow weaver... y’all know what that is right :( sigh. wait. i’m not done let’s sit very sadly on this next line for a bit. “do you know what happened to me after you escaped? do you even care?” i’m gonna cry okay. right. back to catradora. catra is. really unhinged and devastated and destructive right now :( and so she marches into entrapta’s lab and demands that they fire up the portal machine. entrapta says they can’t, because “adora was right” and immediately that sets catra off. she gives this barely restrained chuckle and is like “adora is right.....” and she’s just. having a full on breakdown. she’s just filled with so much anger and resentment.... i can’t even joke and call it a hate boner man, and that sucks because i would love to call it a hate boner :( “adora gets EVERYTHING she wants” no catra, you are wrong. she wants you. she does not have you. case closed. adora has literally only truly wanted one thing in her life, and she does not have it because you won’t give it to her 😔 in conclusion, adora p much never gets what she wants :( why don’t you go over and hug her and then maybe you’ll calm down. i know it’s more complicated than that but still😔 anyway, catra is very determined to not let adora win, so in order to beat adora, she decides they have to open the portal no matter what, because that’s the one thing adora seems to not want right now. some very not chill stuff happens, and catra runs into hordak’s lab and demands that he opens the portal. she lies to hordak and says “oh you can’t trust anyone, especially a PRINCESS” and she turns over to glare pointedly at adora. which is. SUCH a bitter ex thing to do. “they’ll just use you to get what they want” CATRA SHE LOVES YOU :( SHES IN LOVE WITH YOU SHE ONLY EVER WANTED TO BE WITH YOU :( and also she was raised to think she only had worth if she did what others expected of her and that everyone’s happiness and safety was somehow her responsibility. and that it would be better for her to die than for others to get hurt. she was never trying to use you :( you were the only thing that ever made her selfish :( bow, glimmer, and shadow weaver run in and fight with hordak and catra, and catra realizes she has to pull the lever now or it’ll be too late. adora desperately yells “catra, please, don’t!” and catra looks at her for a last time, evil smirking before she does it. roll credits. 8.5/10

remember: oh, we’re really in it now huh :( we hear the last lines from catra and adora from the last episode, and i think this is a part of adora’s dream. she is woken up by catra gently saying her name <3 then by catra a little bit angrily saying her name fjsjdjdjd adora wakes up with a shock and catra is sitting on top of her. HHHHHH. okay. adora shoves catra off and catra is like ???? damn what usually u pull me closer and hug me when i wake u up😔😔 wtf. but catra grabs adora’s wrists to calm her down anyway and gives her this pretty reassuring look, and she jokes “heh, since when do you sleep in? u usually wake up early to flirt with me!” as we all know adora gets nightmares even from her days in the horde so catra just treats this as normal and tries to make adora feel better as usual. ground her and say lighthearted things to make adora remember that she is safe. i mean technically the universe is collapsing in on itself rn so making adora feel safe isn’t the Best thing to do but catra also thinks the fake reality IS reality atm so that’s not her fault <3 adora is confused about how she got “here” and catra finds this strange because adora is in her room! she has her own room now, because she’s force captain! which makes u wonder whether catra and adora would sleep in the same bed if adora was force captain. would catra creep in and sleep in her bed still? would they lock the door and cuddle? oh well! guess we’ll never know! they... are so soft here, just smiling at each other, catra worried about adora, adora smiling back and deciding to just dismiss what happened as a weird dream. “there was something i needed to fix...” “of course you dream about work. there’s nothing to fix adora. everything’s perfect.” hhhh i know everyone in the fake reality thinks Everything’s Perfect too but can we just be gay for a second and think about how a perfect life for catra is just... to be with adora. can we just chomp down on that meaty thought for a sec? :( ok anyway, catra puts her hand on adora’s shoulder and adora smiles and is like wow ur right :) this does feel pretty perfect i mean catra and i are in bed together what could be so wrong💞😜😘👅😎😩 catra pulls adora up to her feet and says “come on, get up” and adora is perfectly happy to just chase after catra. it’s so fucking unfortunate tho that she decides at the last second to pick her ugly ass jacket up. like baby, no. u look perfectly hot as is in that white top. but she needs the jacket to see her force captain badge so she can get Visions or whatever. like goddamn i know the world was collapsing in on itself but imagine if shadow weaver had never been like abusive and the horde was just some chill ass ugly hangout spot instead of a fascist regime. catra and adora really could’ve just been happy huh? :( anyway catra gets kinda annoyed that her gf is not chasing after her any more and instead putting on her ugly ass jacket and looking at it in the mirror. so she’s like “adora! :(“ and adora goes running. she always comes when catra calls for her😌😌😌😌 and then the opening credits play, giving me whiplash. wow that was such a gay fucking cold open. adora walks side by side with catra and is a little weirded out by all the people saluting her and shit. and she’s like lmao wtf what are they all looking at and catra is like u u beautiful idiot. ur hot, and also the invasion of thaymor that u led went perfectly❤️ ur the hero of the hour i’m so proud of you babe❤️ catra is just a proud happy gf who smiles so beautifully and adora is getting more Visions and Flashbacks. but catra is so hot when she’s proud of her that adora decides that she’s gonna be like YEAH OMG I DID THAT WAR CRIME RIGHTS <3 and salutes people like a fucking idiot. and catra does the whole flirty “oh please, you couldn’t have done it without me ;)” bit and wraps her gay arm around gay adora who looks like she’s in heaven, hilariously pushing adora down a bit because catra is SHORT FJSJDJDJD and adora is like “rightttt ;) what would i ever do without you ;)” and man to be a horde soldier witnessing their flirting. i would start yelling slurs at them immediately. adora elbows catra with her arm and they both laugh, but the force causes catra to bump into a horde soldier. and the soldier makes the fatal mistake of reacting normally and being like HEY WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING TWERP and catra is not amused. adora puts her hands on her hips, glaring at the soldier, and he immediately gets so fucking scared. and the soldier is like UHUHUH FORCE CAPTAIN I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE— I’M SO SORRY. didn’t know she was what? DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS WHAT???? gay????? banging this angry catgirl????? in the middle of flirting with her??????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN. what does it ALL mean?????? and adora is just like YEAH U BETTER BE >:( disMISSED >:( like fucking WHAT?????? yeah how dare u get mad at my gf for bumping into you. it is YOUR fault for existing while we were roughhousing as part of a very intricate ritual. u ruined the FLOW of our flirting u jackass. u fucking bitch. now we gotta start all over again :( and then like the soldier leaves while v terrified and keeps bowing at them and catra and adora just bursts out laughing at each other. they’re that lesbian couple who will bully u in school and feel zero remorse for it. that is so fucking sexy. i wish that were me. catra proceeds to make fun of the soldier she bumped into and didn’t even apologize to all “oh, force captain, don’t hurt me! UHAHASHUAH” and adora plays along with the re-enactment by posing and acting tough. catra really do be flexing her privilege as gf of everyone’s boss huh. she’s that secretary who WILL spit in your coffee and kick you in the shin all because the CEO is in love with her and they’re like slamming ass. catra is like. just straight up rubbing it in everyone’s faces that she’s untouchable because adora is in love with her. that’s just. that’s just greaaat. they both start laughing again at their own jokes. and yeah they’re both pretty funny people but like ok lesbians. have fun being happy or whatever. catra is like “too good” and adora is like hehehe baby!!!! where are we going again and catra is like to the locker room!! there’s something i wanna show you😘😘😘 because you know they’re in love. them just walking down a corridor together feels like a straight up date. adora thinks they’re taking The Long Way instead of this shortcut she knows with a side door but that door is gone and suddenly this throws Doubt again. and i guess that door got swallowed up by the reality-collapsing portal but damn adora :/ what’s wrong with taking the long way? :/ too good to spend some quality time w ur gf? :/ JFJSJDJ anyway catra is like what? no this way is the right way :) the scene can be read as cute gfs who argue about directions even tho it’s just a walk to the locker room ❤️ i wouldn’t say it’s the right way to read the scene bc the point is that parts of reality as adora knows it is disappearing but shhh. i am gay <3 catra immediately starts worrying about adora again and she’s like DO U HAVE A CONCUSSION :( and like grabs adora’s face which is so cute. she also accidentally shoves adora towards her chest so adora has No Choice but to stare :) good for you adora “i know you get hit on the head a lot” JFKSKDKSJDJD man but catra gf goals tho :( get u a girl who will check if u have a concussion because you get hit on the head a lot, most of it accidents 😩😩😩 “but i figured your dumb little hair poof would cushion the blow” HDHJSSHAHSHSHSH GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN THO UR HAIR POOF IS DUMB😳😳😳 adora is a tiny bit >:( about being roasted for her hair choices and also a bit >:) because catra touched her and she’s like LMAOOO IM ALL CHILL M8 😩👌🏻💅🏻😎 “don’t make me kick your butt” as she shoves catra. wow adora! watch where you’re putting your hands! jk i know i know :) you simply have no choice because the only place to shove someone is to push their tiddies :) i understand and approve :) catra responds to adora’s threats with “pft ;) as if you could” which is just yet another invitation for them to “fight” :). u know how i feel about catradora and their roughhousing? it’s like. u know how people talk about men fighting each other as an excuse to touch? i feel like catradora said yeah that’s ours now. and they’re right. it’s theirs. they literally. they fucking giggle and shit as they start shoving and hitting each other all the way to the locker room. and lonnie is like SURPRISE and adora’s reaction is so funny she legit looks like she got mad p*ssy blocked and she’s like the FUCK. and catra isn’t as mad bc she kind of like planned this cute like i love you adora❤️ surprise party. because it’s a surprise party! for adora! adora is like damn whats this?? grey ration bar cake w my face drawn on it? also from the looks of the drawing i feel like catra definitely drew it. isn’t that so fucking cute. adora hugs lonnie (yay) and kyle (what the fuck gross???) and she’s like u guys 😩😩😩u got the gray kind.... that’s way better than the brown kind.... lonnie is like “hey, it was catra’s idea!” implying that catra definitely specifically told them to make the cake out of the gray ration bars, not the brown ones. and adora. let’s all take a deep breath. she goes. “oh yeah? ;)” in the most. insufferably flirty way ever. like in that Wow This Was All You Huh ;) way, with her stupid hands on her stupid hips giving catra this 😏😏😏😏😏😏 look. and catra is like ;) casually leaning against the wall, her arms all crossed. it is interesting to note that adora keeps putting her hands on her hips and catra keeps crossing her arms. i think that’s really cute. catra says “eh, whatever, don’t make a big deal about it” but it is a big deal catra. u don’t just plan cute surprise parties for anyone. and the fact that this is YOU we’re talking about? for catra planning a thoughtful surprise party catered to adora’s tastes all because she’s proud of her accomplishments..... is on par with proposing marriage. adora won’t let catra live this down tho. “wow, i can’t believe you like me ;) that is so embarrassing for you!” and she grabs catra for head scratches. catra giggles and pushes against adora saying “stop it😳😳(no don’t stop bro don’t stop😩😩) get off 🙄🙄 (wait actually don’t get off😩😩) this is not 😡 because i like you😳😳(it’s because i love you💞)” and she shoves adora off only to IMMEDIATELY pounce on adora, making adora laugh so fucking happily. kyle is secretly a lesbophobe tho so when he sees this gay display he’s like WUUUUOHOH I DROP CAKE :( and we get this VERY quick frame of catra and adora with their fingers interlocked before they pull apart at the crash and look at kyle. that is so fucking rude of u kyle. we could’ve gotten a few more seconds of catra and adora interlacing their fingers but NO. fuck u. thankfully, the euphoria of being gay is still burning strong for catra and adora, so they laugh happily instead of beating the shit out of kyle. how sweet <3 adora sees the word MARA in one of the cake pieces, and she’s very thrown off right before catra holds her shoulder and is like “hang on, you got something right... THERE!” and she like throws grey bar sludge into adora’s face ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 u know? how you pal around with your gals? adora rubs the grey cake stuff off her face, and then.... ugh i don’t even wanna say her name. we were all having such a good gay time :( [redacted] walks in and tells adora to get off the floor, and tells catra to get herself cleaned up. and [redacted] tells adora to come with her. adora gazes gayly upon catra’s face who gives her a reassuring smile that tells adora she’s okay, so adora runs along. catra looks lovingly at adora while she walks away. shadow weaver praises adora’s successful war crime and adora is like i couldn’t have done it without the others aka catra <3 and in this fake reality she succeeded in persuading shadow weaver to let catra come with her! adora goes to the force captain briefing and gets roasted by scorpia because scorpia is still like. jealous of adora because you know..... you know how you hate the person your crush is in love with? yeah <3 adora freaks out because the universe is falling apart and she keeps getting visions from her real life. and then catra appears, and all the weirdness stops for a moment. i think it is so interesting how the world starts falling apart faster when catra isn’t there, but when catra is there things in the fake reality start to look and feel a little more normal. it’s like.... catra and adora’s connection is so strong that when they’re together... they can stabilize the collapse of a reality. just for a little while. just to have a little more time together. their gay levels are THAT strong. they’re like level 5000 lesbians. and they just keep leveling up as the show goes on which is why by s5 they can defeat an intergalactic conquerer just by making out LMAOOOOO anyway. catra is very worried about her wife. she’s all “adora, what is wrong?” yeah she’s so worried she doesn’t even use a contraction. adora takes out the slip of paper and shows it to catra. “did you write this?????” and catra looks at it and is like “did i write a blank piece of paper? i’m gonna go with no.” which. KFKDKFKDKFKDKFFJ BROOOO WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY. it’s like not supposed to be funny because adora is having a meltdown but it’s so fucking funny i—moving on. adora starts properly freaking out and catra is like hey :( u ok omg :( calm down :( and she puts her hand on adora’s shoulder but adora swats it away like I CAN’T CALM DOWN :( and she starts rambling and referencing stuff that happened and this vision of catra betraying adora in promise shows up (i think it’s catra’s memory?????) and catra slaps adora. which. HEY :( but also it’s like very funny. and adora is like ow :( what was that? :( and catra is like sowwy!!!! :( u were freaking out!!!! and it was freaking me out!!!!! :( and adora is like well u didn’t have to Slap Me :(((((( and is like why would my evil catgirl gf do this. have i not loved her enough :( is this the thanks i get for loving her with my entire heart :( and catra grabs her arm and is like come on!!!! let’s get you outside!!!! you need some air :) and oh. oh man. oh to have my hand/arm lovingly held by a girl as she giggles and excitedly drags me somewhere. the fucking dream. adora protests against getting air which (??????) u don’t want air? but u need air? to breathe? i know adora is just trying to say she doesn’t need to like go to her and catra’s secret place at the highest edge of the horde but then oh guess what? she’s there with catra. and adora is like how did we get here.... and catra looks depressed because her gf is losing it and that’s so sad 😔 she’s like how did we get here? we climbed up :( like we always do :( or am i the only one who remembers that :( and adora is like idk what’s happening to me :( it’s like i’m losing my mind..... and catra is like you just need to relax <3 by hanging out with me <3 and adora is like ur probs right :( am fine :( everything fine :( and she gets this glimpse of catra and catra smiling evilly at her but catra gets up and is like huh! ofc im right! Everything’s Perfect! soon, the two of us are gonna be ruling etheria together, just like we always planned 😺😸😹😻😼😽😾🙀 and quietly, adora goes “is that what you really want? to rule the world?” and catra gets this UHHHHH look akin to when someone asks u “hey, do you like apples? or are you just gay for me?” and you gotta awkwardly answer “what.... nooooo..... i’m not gay i fucking love apples” and so catra gets the exact face that expresses this sentiment and she’s like “i mean, yeah, obviously. isn’t that what you want too?” and it’s like UGHHHH because clearly neither of them want to rule the world! ruling the world was just an excuse for catra to be with adora, and when adora inevitably says “hey maybe we shouldn’t rule the world” catra will take it to mean “i don’t want to be with you” instead of “ruling the world is bad” and it’s just. it really tears me the fuck up bros! when catra says don’t you want to rule the world too? she really means don’t you want to be with me? and it’s just. HHHHHHHHH. i can NOT. i have had it up to HERE. adora says “i don’t know (re ruling the world lmao i went on a tangent earlier)” and catra is like “don’t flake out on me now!” like ruling the world is meeting up for lunch and suddenly adora texted at 11:30 am that she’s not really feeling up to it today :/ “this is what we always wanted”, catra continues to say, and we all know that “this” is..... the freedom to be with each other, without everything else getting in the way. “everything will be perfect as long as we stay together”. and she is right about that. but also catra’s current definition of them “staying together” isn’t right. adora and catra were always supposed to meet halfway. they will both have to grow to do that. but let’s not get 2 deep😩 i am here to have meltdowns and make gay jokes only😌 and then adora says “what if we don’t stay together? what if it all goes wrong?” which is like. damn that’s the show right there KFKSJDJSJDJ and adora sees lightning again and she gets upset because why can’t catra see the reality-cracking lightning too!!!! why can’t catra see the light!!!!! why can’t she see that she should be doing good things and not evil things!!!!! why can’t she see that she should be coming with me, running away with me, being with me in a place that’s safe!!!!! and catra grabs her hand and is like “adora!!! stay with me, okay? :( you’re just seeing things. it’s all in your head” and it is all so terribly tragic and sad. ah, the age old argument. come with me, stay with me. i will be whispering this in decades’ time, spreading gay tales to my loved ones. after this, lonnie is calling for adora and catra. “thought we’d find you up there” FJSJDJSJDJD the way it’s just like an open secret that catra and adora are gay and have a gay hangout spot where they do gay things. incredible. adora finds out an entire week has passed all of a sudden and she grips her head in frustration and catra is like adora? :( and holds her in concern. and adora is like ranting about how there’s something wrong with space and time!! and catra is just freaked out and begging her to stop because adora please! please stop finding the destruction of reality weird and hold my hand! i haven’t been happy since the day you left! and.... hoo okay sadness. catra’s holding her arm and adora’s like we’re not supposed to be here!!! catra holds her upper arms and goes “adora, everything’s okay!” and adora snaps and tells her to stop saying that! because this isn’t right! because she will lose everything, including catra, if she does not fix this. “everyone keeps telling me everything is perfect but it’s not! everyone except... scorpia” so she runs away to find her and catra is like adora!!! adora, where are you going? please don’t go. don’t go where i can’t follow😔😔 but adora is gone. we get this whole thing with scorpia and adora and adora is straight up just so petty. about scorpia hating her. which mood because i want everyone to like me. all the time. but also adora in scorpia’s defense she has a crush on a certain catgirl who will Not Shut Up about you :/ adora gets flashbacks about catra and realizes that the girl she’s been inappropriately touching for the past.... day? is the one who did the thing that is destroying reality❤️ LMAOOOOO this would be like... hm actually not many situations available to describe this. except. have you been flirting with the thing that’s been trying to kill us? have you been in love with the thing that’s been trying to kill us? yeah stuff like that <3 “catra did this. she captured me, she took... the sword. she activated the portal!” LFKSKDKSKDKDK you know what? this would be 58384848484 times funnier if they had canonically banged during the fake reality before adora realized the world as they all knew it was about to end <3 and you know what? they did bone. but it was cut for time <3 KFKDKDKDK JKJK god i need to like shut up for once in my life. but if i did that, these evaluations which no one asked for would not exist❤️ adora loses scorpia and razz (temporarily) and lonnie and she finds catra again! even tho she now remembers that catra kidnapped her and took her sword and used it for the portal and activated her portal.... she immediately grabs catra and pulls her along with her. despite knowing all that..... for the moment she is acting on instinct and doesn’t care. she just wants to keep catra with her and keep catra safe because the portal is swallowing up so many people and she cannot lose catra. adora drags her to this weapons closet that closes behind them and catra, instead of kissing her in this enclosed space (WIMP), shakes her and is like hey! you’ve officially lost it, haven’t you? and adora is like listen, we have to go. now! scorpia, lonnie, kyle, rogelio, they’re all gone! but catra is like what are you talking about? who’s gone? and adora’s all they’re gone. there’s nothing left. and we’ll be next if we don’t get out of here right now. and she’s so firm about it putting her entire foot down because No. not catra. she Cannot lose her. but catra is so stuck in wanting some part of all this to be real that she’s arguing with adora that she’s not making sense and Everything Is Fine. and adora goes “don’t say it’s Perfect. i know it’s not perfect and so do you!” because... she just knows catra that well. and she knows catra is smart enough to see what’s going on if scorpia did that too. catra’s choosing to repress it all, but adora’s words snap catra into memory for a moment, and she remembers it, maybe even remembers it all, and i think.... it all just hurts too much and she’d rather not be in that reality so she acts like she doesn’t know a thing and tells adora she’s not going anywhere. frustrated because she can’t convince catra, adora picks up one of the stun barons and... tases catra KFKSKDKDKDKSKDK and i can’t help but think of when catra tased adora back in sword part 2 (1x02) and man that is not good but also so funny that they’ve both tased each other. there’s this desperation there in both instances that we should definitely not romanticize at all but they just. deep down they will just do close to anything to keep the other with them. and it is messed up! and i’m glad that a little ways down the road they unlearn this but also.... wow. adora catches catra tenderly in her arms as she slumps against her, literally fucking BRIDAL CARRYING catra out and running away from the crumbling horde. literally IMAGINE IF LIKE. catra did not wake up and fight with adora. imagine if catra had stayed passed out longer and adora had fixed the portal without anyone getting left behind. and catra was still unconscious and she like walks out of the portal back into where they all were with catra in her arms like that. just like hey i fixed the portal :) all of us nearly died and it was kind of partially this catgirl’s fault but i’m like low key desperately in love with her so can we keep her? lmao :-) anyway. adora steals a skiff again (lmao first ep throw back! remember their date) and flies her and catra out of the crumbling world. catra wakes up, watching adora’s determined face as she flies them out and catra’s like WAIT WTF DIDN’T U TASE ME and is like hypocritically fighting adora trying to grab the stun baton. bad idea! adora’s DRIVING you don’t attack the driver!! but catra does not often make good decisions </3 the skiff crashes and they both fall off. they get up, look at each other angrily and run after the stun baton. catra grabs it first but adora hits it out of her hand and grapples catra who continues to keep reaching for the weapon. “catra, you can’t. we need to get as far from the fright zone as possible or we’ll be completely erased along with everything else.” “you think you can convince me by kidnapping me?” well no but goddamn the world is COLLAPSING catra PLEASE :( also is the power of love not enough? catra she loves you she’s in love with you she would pull you from the depths of hell even if you threw everyone in there in the first place!!!!!! that’s how deep this runs because that’s not even a metaphor adora has identified you as the main party who brought upon this reality ripping portal and still!!! she wants you saved. is that not fucking hot? :/ is that not sexy enough for you? :/ KFKSKDKSKDK jkjk okay catra continues with “what is wrong with you?!” and throws adora over her shoulder. not to like. ruin a very heated and serious moment in the show. but catra throwing adora like it’s nothing is like... very strong..... and when you remember how adora likes strong girls........ KFKDKDKDKDKDKDJ adora b like ow that hurts 😔 u free next friday? 😳 catra goes up to the stun baton again and adora kicks it away. “i won’t leave you behind again.” “why can’t you just stay? we have everything we ever wanted.” BITCH THE WORLD IS COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF. THERE’S A PORTAL EATING UP REALITY. STAY WHERE? “it’s not real, catra.” YES. save the world first, and then after this you can play rock paper scissors and the loser will go with the winner❤️ wouldn’t it be so funny if they did that. if they decided to leave it up to chance. if adora was like well the horde is evil but if you beat me in rock paper scissors i guess i will follow you wherever you go. and then they like fix the portal and everyone is like yay hey adora lets go back to bright moon! and she’s like yeah uh i gotta hash out this situation with my gf real quick uh just a little heads up i might be bringing the horde’s best strategist and leader over to our side OR i might be fighting for the bad people again :/ so wish me luck and everyone just had to stand there and watch as adora and catra held their hands out and went ROCK PAPER SCISSORS SHOOT anyway. “as much as i wish that things could be simple the way they used to be, there’s no going back.” and she holds catra gently and in many ways i think she’s sort of acknowledging that she really, really just wants that light hearted playful dynamic with catra back. they both just experienced it again. they both just threw themselves back into it again. and adora really wants to be happy with catra, she would stay with catra if she could, but she has overwhelming responsibilities and an overwhelming sense of responsibility that was instilled in her from a young age. and she thinks she shouldn’t get to choose her happiness, to put herself first. also like. THE HORDE IS EVIL DJSJDJSNDNSJS like. that’s a really important part too. it’s kind of hard for catra to distinguish that though because she’s had very. evil things done to her all her life. and she held on for so long because she thought adora would always be there with her but then adora walks away and makes it seem like. it could have been that easy. but it can’t have been that easy because if it was so easy why did catra have to suffer so much for? also adora didn’t run away to save catra. she had this destiny thrust upon her, and she chose to leave the horde before inviting catra along, which is not wrong of her at all, but it inevitably made catra feel like an afterthought. and now... things are kind of damaged. and catra just wants to run if adora won’t stay, so she shoves adora and takes off and adora lunges after her, tackling her, and adora decides to confront catra about the big elephant in the room, the thing she’s not said a thing about to catra until now when they’re fighting because she was so desperate to save catra before. “why did you do it?” “i don’t know what you’re talking about!” which is a lie but now that she really gets to see the consequences of her rage and anguish filled actions, i don’t think catra can properly explain it either. she was just so angry and she had built this narrative in her head that it was adora’s fault, and so she just wanted to do everything that adora didn’t want her to do. except u failed catra😔 adora wants you to love her and you do, you do love her😔 oopsie😔 you just don’t show it in healthy ways most of the time because your relationship is fraught with tragedy and abusive upbringings💔 adora gives up questioning catra for the moment because “there’s no time. we have to go.” catra grunts as adora’s childhood promise plays in her mind and it is overlaid with the adora of the present telling her “i promise, everything will be okay if we just stay together.” and goddamn adora really means it. she’s literally willing to patch everything up together even after everything if catra will just Decide right here, right now, to go with her. right then, the memory of adora first asking catra to come with her plays and adora is asking her, “help me fix this, please, this can’t be what you wanted” because adora knows! she knows how caught up catra was, in her pain and anger and desperation to win, to overcome all the times she lost growing up. she believed that catra, with her loving heart that saved adora everyday they knew each other growing up, could not have wanted to erase all of reality. to erase what they had. but just because adora knows that doesn’t mean catra does. all the rage and pain and resentment that led to her opening the portal, it is still there, and it is still affecting her judgement in a bad way, and by reminding her that she cannot just repress it all, that she cannot just play pretend with adora until their time is up,,,, this leads her to lash out again :( :( :( “don’t you get it? i am never going to go with you.” i wanna be like sad but also this bitch straight up LYING remember that other time she said “don’t you get it?” remember what came after that? so maybe catra in this moment is too angry and consumed by self hatred, too proud to admit she wants adora when she thinks adora doesn’t want her the way she wants her.... but “never”? lmaooooo ok :/ catra evil gay laughs and goes “you always have to go and ruin it, don’t you?” ruin what???? the illusion????? the pretenses you work so hard to keep to cover up how deep the feelings you both have run??? catra lunges for adora and fights with her, scratching and missing because adora is dodging and catra’s heart is too.... sigh..... she’s too fucking gay to really bring it ok? no matter how angry she is she still loves adora too much to give it her best. adora doesn’t fight back, mostly defending and pushing catra away. “catra, look what’s happening. you’re going to destroy everything!” catra stomped on her heart and she still wants to Convince her, which is really sad, for now, for both of them. and catra goes feral and is like “i don’t care! i won’t let you win. i’d rather see the whole world end than let that happen.” :( bro? this song is so sad. can we change it? sigh. catra is too far gone at the moment. everything, even the slightest concession to adora, even at the expense of existence, is like admitting defeat to catra. and when catra says she’d rather see the whole world end than let adora win, she’s also saying she’d let herself... die. and that is just so sad. bro who gave season three the right. like... i am so exhausted. i am just trying to call some bitches out for being gay, i did not sign up for all this pain. i am so exhausted. this episode is twenty odd minutes or so. you know how many hours i’ve spent writing this? it’s not anyone’s fault but mine for being extra, but man i am so tired. i love seeing catradora interact, but god, at what cost? the portal rips up the ground between them, and catra grabs at adora, clutching onto her badge. i cannot tell if she was just trying to take it off or she wanted to grab adora and pull her close too. “catra, no!” adora grabs catra’s wrist but the badge falls off and catra falls too. “catra!” catra is on some rock in the falling heap, and adora reaches for her but she’s too far away. still, she keeps her hand outstretched. but catra, who’s hanging on by a rock at this point, gives her this look of... almost helplessness. that then hardens into resentment and anger and she just. lets go. and adora, who has tears in her eyes, is just. she absolutely crumbles here. and she runs a good distance away and falls to her knees and just starts SOBBING. she is just crying so hard over losing catra AGAIN and it’s just. That’s Too Much, Man! thankfully, razz shows up and is like stop crying bitch u can still save her ❤️ so adora decides to stop crying for all time and gets to work❤️ 10/10 but also did i ask? :/ yes i did and i am in so much pain right now. my god what an episode

the portal: it’s so fucking refreshing not seeing catradora for a bit <3 i spent hours watching remember ok. here i am now starting the last ep at least a full week later because of how much it was. sometimes this show is too gay <3 i love it tho! i do <3 it’s just hard having to pause and replay every five seconds and write an essay about the tiniest thing <3 and i know what you’re thinking <3 no one asked me to do this <3 no one asked me to be so extra <3 and yet <3 anyway, more than half of the ep passes with adora losing bow and glimmer in the end, but as she’s crying on her knees again she lifts her head up and corrupted!catra touches her forehead with one finger. oh <3 that’s gay <3 anyway, catra’s here because she died but she’s got like nine lives so she’s back now and infected by the collapsing portal. oh great! we get what is probably the most cursed ḩ̵͕̺̯͚̞͈̰̤͎̥̗̳͂̽̃̄͌̎̅̈́̏̎͘͝͝ẻ̷͇͚͈̤̪̖̜̥̥̱̼̅̒͌͗͝y̴̥̺̓͌͊͌̊͒͌̏̔̕͝ ̶̧̟̤̠̯̱̳͕̙̯̔ͅá̶̤͉͕̱̰̮̺̮̝̗̱̲͓̺̯̒͐͐d̵̨̟̖̦̈̑̄̌̍̆̀̾̊̑̽͗͝͠ȏ̷̧̢̨̞̮͇̟̘̘̠̼̊͆̐̉̉̀̌̿̚ͅŗ̴̢̬͚͉̦̘̪̜̥̑̔̈́̀̒͂͗͜͠ͅą̸̡̡͕͈͚͕̼͔̳͔̖̙̯̱̓͗̊́. the look on adora’s face when she’s greeted with this is very interesting. she gives catra this little once over. on one hand, catra isn’t gone like adora thought when she had lost her into the collapsing portal, but also something about this catra definitely doesn’t look right. catra then proceeds to slam adora into another dimension. flat against the bar table in the crimson waste... and ngl it looks like. catra slammed her on the table for :/ stuff :/ that’s like :/ you know :/ banging :/ and adora even looks around for a moment because catra isn’t there and adora’s thinking damn where u at catra? :/ so you didn’t slam me against this table for... no? :( we aren’t gonna slam ass? :( but then surprise surprise! catra straddles her at the last moment! adora gasps and catra is like oh... where are your friends? in that unsettling corrupted tone. notice how adora has been silent this entire time. so horny you couldn’t speak bitch? :/ sadly, catra lunges for adora and adora realizes that catra is still evil and that she isn’t going to kiss her gently on the lips after all 😔 adora grabs catra by the arm and pulls her close. she puts her other hand on catra’s shoulder. adora baby.... you don’t need to touch her with both hands. are you that gay? yes. why am i even asking that question. “catra, stop. you have to–“ catra pushes her face aside. “it’s always the same with you, adora. i have to do this, oh we have to do that!” and then they’re like gay struggling against each other? and catra pulls adora up and holds her tight against her, adora’s arm bent over catra’s shoulder to keep her there. then with her other arm she wraps her elbow around adora’s other arm to further restrain her? and then she puts her face right against adora’s cheek. i don’t know how to explain this. it’s just. homoerotic. damn the gays fight like this? catra then tosses adora aside and they land somewhere else. catra says like things to adora that are about her insecurities and stuff. but i’m not gonna get into those <3 isn’t that so sexy of me? instead i will say this. catra kind of like fights one sidedly with adora a lot in this segment where they go through various locations we’ve seen in the show, and she like talks a lot of shit. but let’s focus on how adora’s feeling <3 she goes through it like this. 1) not horny anymore! i’m scared/insecure/angry with catra now 2) catra throws adora into the big chair on mara’s ship and catra slams her hand against it next to adora’s face like how someone might do before you kiss them in movies 3) horny again 4) catra doesn’t say sorry for the mean things corrupted her said and she didn’t kiss her gently on the lips so adora gets her shit together and realizes all the things evil corrupted catra is saying is not her fault! she pushes catra away and is like “i didn’t make you pull the switch. i didn’t make you do anything! i didn’t break the world, but i am gonna fix it. and you? you made your choice. now live with it!” and in between all that she fights back against catra and at the end she does you know that punch we all know about. but after the punch she calms down from that emotional breakthrough high and gets this :( face. at the end of the day... no matter how far gone catra went, no matter how right she was in setting those boundaries and making it clear catra has to be responsible for her actions, adora cares. adora loves her, it’s the one thing she can’t help. and to see catra sink so deep into the darkness... it hurts her. adora watches catra disintegrate when they fall into the wormhole thing that the portal caused, and she has this like. >:( :( look because adora’s planning to fix everything anyway, the upsetting thing here for her is that she failed to make catra see sense. catra’s likely going back to the horde when all of this is over and there’s nothing adora can do about it. and at the moment i don’t think adora wants to try anymore after failing so many times... which is good for her! but also they are both going to be so sad after this </3 after the whole angella scene (miss that milf) adora gets the sword back and becomes she ra again. we go back to the scene in the horde and catra clutches the side of her face, so we know that was her but it also wasn’t Her, you know? like part of her face got corrupted by the portal and she just had to make sure she was real and whole again. adora comes back as she-ra and destroys the portal, prompting catra to escape. but she looks back at the last moment, looks back angrily, and adora gives her an equally hard stare. she’s done with catra, for the moment, and catra realizes this, and it kind of hits her that this adora is different now. and for a moment she is sad and afraid, but she pulls it together to make a mean face again, before running away. 9/10

Part 51. Christmas with five people sure is calm. 

In short: Nico gets therapy from Dionysus. In this chapter, Nico tries to have a nice Christmas with Will, but a bad memory overshadows it. The rest of the story can be found on AO3 and Fanfiction.net! And in Tumblr tags like Dionysus, Nico di Angelo, percy jackson fanfiction etc. 

This Might Be Crazy: Chapter 51: Glühwein ‘Nico! So glad to see you!’ Naomi Solace chirped while Will and I walked in. 

‘Yes, thanks, mrs. Solace, good to see you too,’ I answered. She shook her head with a little smile.  

‘You can just…’

‘Just say Naomi. Got it.’ 

She looked at Will for a second. He rolled his eyes. ‘Is anybody else here yet?’

‘Your uncle Jacob.’ Naomi Solace turned her eyes to the heavens. ‘And my poor sister-in-law Marian, of course.’

‘Figures.’

They sighed, before lightly laughing. I looked up at Will, a little panicked. He saw it and grabbed my hand. ‘We’ll just drop off some stuff upstairs!’ he said, before pulling me and our backpacks along to the second floor. 

‘Uncle jacob and aunt Marian are pretty okay.’

‘Yeah, yeah, sure.’ I dropped my suitcase on the floor. ‘Do I get a mattress, or do we make it obvious?’

‘He was here last year as well,’ Will went on, without answering me. ‘He tried to stop, eh, my other aunt from talking a few times.’

‘Yes. I remember him, he was nice.’ I think. I realised I did not really remember uncle Jacob. It was eclipsed by the memory of aunt Natalia.

‘Aunt Natalia is not coming back, Nico, thank goodness. She won’t try to slam the door in your face again or throw a cross at you.’ It sounded as if he was trying to reassure himself of that too. 

‘Not?’ I had almost forgotten about the cross.

‘No. Also, the cross might have been for me,’ he sighed.

‘Ah. I guess it wasn’t a lot of fun for you either.’ Just stating the obvious here. 

He chuckled. ‘No, not really. But Uncle Jacob is nice, really. Let’s go, shall we?’

I gave him a hug. ‘Yeah, we’ll go.’

Wills’ aunt and uncle were sitting in the living room. ‘William! Is he back again?’ Jacob waved at me. 

I took a step back. Will put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Yes.’

‘Eh, yeah, good afternoon, I am Nico…’ I rattled. 

‘We know that, we saw you last year as well!’ uncle Jacob laughed. I looked at the floor. 

‘Eh, right, I just thought…’ I shrugged. I heard Marian sigh.

‘Jacob, cut the kid some slack,’ she whispered. 

Will pushed me further into the room. ‘Come, sit down, there are probably cookies,’ he mumbeld into my ear. 

There were, indeed, cookies. I took two and shoved one into my mouth.

Uncle Jacob looked back at his wife and sister and went on with the story he had been telling, that went on for quite long. 

I had to give it to them, I had been in the room for a good seven minutes and there had been no comment about our relationship. When uncle Jacobs’ speech went on for slightly too long, aunt Marian turned to me: ‘It is very nice that you decided to spend Christmas with us.’

I shot up. ‘I am glad I was allowed to come.’

She smiled at her sister-in-law. ‘I am sure Naomi wouldn’t have it any other way!’ Naomi shrugged, with a little smile. ‘Are you two going to Nico’s family tomorrow?’

Will looked like he found that idea, to spend Christmas with Hades and Persephone, both hilarious and horrifying. I shook my head. ‘I’m afraid my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but they don’t want to stop my fun, so I went with Will.’

‘No Christmas?’

‘No. Eh, of course, that was weird for me as a young child,’ I lied, ‘but I am glad I have someone to celebrate it with now.’

‘Well, I hope we can make it better than, eh, last year.’

‘Oh, well…’ 

A small silence fell, before Marian quickly broke it ‘So, William, how's school?’

School was fine, if you're curious. The talking went slightly better after that, they even laughed when I joked we could try to invite Santa Claus today (You probably had to be there). Still I was glad when we could flee to the kitchen. Will had to make his, apparently famous, mushroom soup.

‘I didn’t know you could make soup. Did you do that last year?’

Will rolled his eyes. ‘No. Natalia brought her tomato soup.’

‘I remember the tomato soup. It had been quite good, but I hate it now.’

Will solemnly stirred his soup. ‘How do you feel, Nico?’

I shrugged. ‘Your aunt and uncle are nice, so okay I guess?’

Will sighed while he cut up a few mushrooms. ‘Yes. That’s good. I am glad.’

‘Will, how did you feel about aunt Natalia?’ 

It might have been a little too abrupt to ask. He was silent for a moment. I looked at my feet.‘Sorry, that is…’

‘She called me non-stop for three days afterwards, trying to convince me I was sinning. Eventually I had to block her from every medium of communication I got. I never talked about it again, not a lot at least, because I just wanted to forget it.’ He lowered the knife for a second. ‘Perhaps I, too, have more troubles with it than I thought.’

‘Well…’ I shrugged. ‘Of course, I mean…’ Will stayed silent. 

I felt a little cold. ‘I’ll go to the living room for a bit,’ I muttered, before I chickened out of the kitchen. 

In the hallway, I ran into aunt Marian. When she saw me, her look got concerned. ‘Hello, Nico.

‘Eh, hello.’

She pushed a hairclip straight. ‘I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to be nervous. I understand you are still a little shaken up about last year, but…’ She shrugged.

I nodded. ‘Thanks. Eh… You know, I thought I had taken everything quite well. It is only now that I have thought about it for a few days that I realise that it got deeper than I thought.’

Marian nodded. ‘I understand. I hope you can still enjoy some of it, at least. Did you like the cookies?’

I nodded. ‘Oh, yes, the cookies were good.’

She smiled. ‘Thanks. I made them myself.’

‘Fancy.’ 

‘Yes. I spend a lot of time on them!’

I snickered. ‘Cool.’

‘Quite.’ She looked up, at the stairs. ‘Eh, I’ll see you in a second.’

‘Of course.’ I stayed where I was.

Would my Italian relatives be celebrating Christmas right now? The thought came to me without warning. I mean, obviously, I must still have Italian family. Unless my mother was an only child of an only child, maybe.

But I had had an aunt, it dawned on me. Which probably meant that somewhere, there was an Italian branch of the family, celebrating Christmas. Hm. Weird, considering they would not be thinking about me at all...

‘Nico?’ Will yelled from the kitchen. ‘Can you help for a second? If you are still there?’

‘Eh, of course.’ I hadn’t moved a foot. 

‘Sorry,’ I muttered when I walked back in. 

‘It’s okay,’ Will mumbeld back. He threw a few mushrooms into the soup. ‘Is it a true witch stew I already?’ I looked into the pan. It looked too good to be witch stew. 

‘A little.’

‘No, Will, not at all. Okay, maybe a little.’ 

Will smiled again. ‘Just a little, as it should.’ He handed me the spatula. ‘Can you stir for me? I have to throw in these spices in the meantime.’

‘Yes.’

It was calming to cook soup together and to think about how we would be eating soup together soon. Yet, just as I stirred some weird herb through the stew, Will scraped his throat. ‘If you are getting sick, you should not be cooking.’

He chuckled, before pulling himself together again. ‘Nico, how about we just enjoy the here and now, and then talk about how we are affected by last year some other time? Maybe we could ask Dionysus to evaluate it with us. Because it feels as if we are both still hurt by it.’

‘Yes. I’ll ask him as soon as I see him again.’ 

Will nodded. ‘Good. In that case, you just need to stir slightly lighter, while I call over uncle Jacob so he can heat up his self made glühwein, which I doubt he actually makes himself.’

‘Does it contain alcohol?’

‘My mother always lets me have a small glass.’

‘And you say you aren’t rebellious!’

‘It is not rebellious if your mother lets you do it!’

‘I mean… point taken.’

‘Well then! Now, I am going to call Jacob over. Be prepared.’ 

I winked, while he went out to fetch his uncle.

While he was away, I sighed. Okay, maybe it hadn’t gone perfect. Yet, we could still make something of it. Anyway, who was aunt Natalia to not just ruin one, but multiple Christmases?

A/N: Secretly, uncle David gives Will and Nico alcohol-free glühwein because he is a responsible adult. 

On tuesday the twenty-seventh my adult responsibilities will catch up to me, AKA I will be eightteen, or otherwise said it’s my birthday :D. Also, by next chapter, I will be an adult (help).

Anyway Nico and Will having Christmas. Did you see the part where Nico thought about this Italian family? Yes ;). 

I know this chapter dragged a little. It is mostly meant to cement some things for future chapters.

Billboard #1s 1984

Under the cut.

Yes -- "Owner of a Lonely Heart" -- January 21, 1984

The full version of this song is way too long. Not surprising from a former prog rock band. The music is good and interesting, but it loses me before the end even in the shorter single version. There's too much stuff. As for the lyrics, maybe that prog rock gloss made people think they were profound, but they look like self-help. Some incredibly 80s Reagan-era individualism, better to be alone than to be hurt, you're the only one you can count on, blah blah blah. Not for me. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Culture Club -- "Karma Chameleon" -- February 4, 1984

The video to this song has nothing to do with it, unless there's supposed to be a connection between the con artist on the fantasy world 19th century steamboat and the guy who keeps coming and going whom Boy George is singing to. And I didn't fully realize the "you come and go" double entendre until just now. I like the video, anyway. And I like the song quite a bit. It's a very cheerful-sounding song about being strung along by some asshole.

Van Halen -- "Jump" -- February 25, 1984

Van Halen was something boys were into. It's weird how we delineate these things. At least back in 1984, if it got coded as a boy thing, then if you were a girl and also found it interesting, you'd damn well better hide it or certain other more socially powerful kids would tear you to shreds. That was my experience, anyway. (And if other girls were into it and you were not, you were also in serious trouble.) So though when I heard Van Halen songs I thought, "hm, I'm intrigued," I did not dare pursue that interest. Except for this song. This one was allowed. It's fun.

Kenny Loggins -- "Footloose" -- March 31, 1984

Footloose is a pretty good movie. At least I remember it being so when I eventually saw it in college in the 90s. Anything that stands against censorship, and for art and people having fun, already has an in with me. Also Kevin Bacon's great. The song isn't about the movie particularly; it's just about how dancing is wonderful. Though there is a hint at the movie: "You're playing so cool/ Obeying every rule/ Deep way down in your heart/ You're burning yearning for some/ Somebody to tell you/ That life ain't passing you by/ I'm trying to tell you/ It will if you don't even try." Yeah. Agatha Christie at one point lamented that young people in the 1950s were far too serious and self-righteous, and really needed to go dance in fountains. I feel the same now as she did then. Though wait until after the covid vaccine's been widely taken. Anyway, this is a good dance song.

Phil Collins -- "Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)" -- April 21, 1984

It's a lament about being dumped. Apparently, Collins wrote it about his wife leaving him out of the blue, taking the kids and the dog with her. Ouch. There's a great drum part, which keeps the song from being too boring, but I still don't like it. Phil Collins' serious love/heartbreak songs don't do it for me. I find this one depressing without being cathartic.

Lionel Richie -- "Hello" -- May 12, 1984

I remember this video from when it was on the air. Mostly because of the Lionel Richie clay head. But also because I was like... is she his student? Isn't that a bad thing? Even though she's an adult in college, I still thought you weren't supposed to do that? I've had a major squick against teacher/student relationships, even in fiction, since I was a kid. Possibly this is because I come from a family of professors. (I didn't get a PhD and am therefore the black sheep.) Without reference to the video, the song is terrible. The lyrics are just repetitive cheese, whatever, but the song is so slow and blah and I don't like Lionel Richie's singing.

Deniece Williams -- "Let's Hear It For the Boy" -- May 26, 1984

I keep being surprised that there are people who think someone is worthless if they don't have a lot of money and don't dress fashionably. In this song, the titular boy also can't dance, but is that a thing that people get dinged for in reality? I don't know, maybe. This song was in Footloose, and it's the same sentiment as "My Guy"; her boy isn't some smooth-talking rich brat, but "he's my lovin' one-man show." He's like Edward Ferrars, not Willoughby. It's a fun song.

Cyndi Lauper -- "Time After Time" -- June 9, 1984

This is one of the greatest songs ever. Not just pop songs. Any song, of any type.

Duran Duran -- "The Reflex" -- June 23, 1984

These lyrics make no sense. That doesn't matter for this song much, which is all about the music. Which is not the best of Duran Duran's music. For all the many, many, MANY different musical ideas in it, it's actually kinda boring. They'd have done better to simplify. I imagine this sounds something like cocaine feels, though drinking way too many Mountain Dews to pull an all-nighter's my only comparison. Duran Duran were never my favorite, but I do enjoy many of their songs. This one, meh.

Prince -- "When Doves Cry" -- July 7, 1984

Prince only two songs after Cyndi Lauper? Is it my birthday? The song's lyrics start out being about the amazing chemistry between the narrator and "you." That establishes why they're together. Then Prince moves on to how they "scream at each other," and it's what it sounds like "when doves cry." He's accusatory -- "How could you just leave me standing/ Alone in a world so cold?" But then he goes right into thinking maybe it's his fault: "Maybe I'm just too demanding" etc. It's a sexy, thoughtful, and anguished song about a relationship in trouble. I like to think they'll overcome their problems and stop screaming at each other. Trust me, it's very possible. Also the music is great.

Ray Parker Jr. -- "Ghostbusters" -- August 11, 1984

Um. I have no idea how to evaluate this one. I heard it first in the theatre when I saw the movie, but I heard it years after every week when I watched the cartoon. It just... is.

Tina Turner -- "What's Love Got To Do With It" -- September 1, 1984

I have an overwhelming memory of hearing this song when I was alone in the grocery store as a teenager. I have no idea why the memory's so strong. Maybe it was the first time I went to the grocery store by myself? Maybe I ran into a guy I had a huge crush on, though I don't remember that? (If I was 16, that could have been one of any three guys... Romance is my secondary aspiration, after all.) In any case, it's a good song. The attempt to pretend love is a bunch of chemicals and doesn't truly matter is a pretty common one for the broken-hearted. And Tina Turner's great as always.

John Waite -- "Missing You" -- September 22, 1984

Two songs in a row about being in denial over matters of love. Interesting. This isn't the most fascinating song ever, but it's a good solid song about heartbreak that isn't gloopy at all. In the main vocals, Waite keeps insisting "I ain't missing you," but in the background is a soft voice that sings "missing you" over and over. That's a smart artistic move.

Prince and the Revolution -- "Let's Go Crazy" -- September 29, 1984

I liked a lot of pop music when I was 7, but I didn't get Prince. His songs sort of slid out of my brain as a "thing for grownups," and who could understand grownups? He was short and wore fancy outfits, and that's about all that registered. When I hit puberty, though... yeah. This song is more adult than that, though, and I don't mean sexually, though there is plenty of sex in this song. "You better live now/ Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door." The song is about sex, partying, and death. Also Prince was an astonishing guitarist, along with everything else. It's not one of my favorite Prince songs, because the lyrics are pretty depressing and it's super loud, but it's still great.

Stevie Wonder -- "I Just Called To Say I Love You" -- October 13, 1984

I never really listened to the background beep-de-boops in this song before. I've wondered before why this song, with its simple lyrics and melody, didn't bore me. It's the beep-de-boops. They, along with Stevie Wonder's perfect delivery, make this song musically complex. And the simple lyrics, with the more complex musical counterpoints, absolutely work. It helps that this is the kind of thing people really do.

Billy Ocean -- "Caribbean Queen" -- November 3, 1984

That heavy breathing after the line "I get so excited just from her perfume" is unfortunate. Otherwise, it's a song about how he met this "Caribbean Queen" on vacation and she "tamed" him so he's no longer looking for "love on the run." Sure, why not. I'd like a little more story to it, but that's me. It's got a good beat though, and is enjoyable enough as-is.

Wham! -- "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" -- November 17, 1984

I just realized I don't like this song. The beat and hook are sort of irresistible, and as a dance song the music absolutely works. But there's too much nostalgia about stuff that George Michael actually wasn't old enough to be nostalgic about. He was only 21 at the time, born in 1963, and yet he was singing about Doris Day. You can homage anything at any age, but... meh. And speaking of age, it's kind of a childish song and George Michael's voice was always more on the mature end, even if he was young at the time. For me, it hits a jarring note.

Daryl Hall & John Oates -- "Out of Touch" -- December 8, 1984

The beginning makes it sound like this is gonna be a relatively hard rock song, but that ends after a pretty short time. It's still really loud, with huge drums, and Hall pretty much shouts the song. Hall & Oates were great when they stripped stuff down. All this noise doesn't work for them. There are neat parts when all the noise suddenly stops and there's total silence, but then it goes right back to the rather uninteresting loudness. Not for me.

Madonna -- "Like A Virgin" -- December 22, 1984

And so it begins. Backstory: Madonna went to the same high school as my mother. She was friends (maybe more? he won't talk) with one of my uncles. When my grandmother saw the Like A Virgin album on the rack at the store, she said, "I'm so glad [he] didn't marry that girl." When my mother told me that, my reaction was "Are you kidding? We'd be rich!" But my family cares about PhDs and not money. My uncle ran wild in high school, but eventually became a successful career diplomat (and stopped being a jackass) after the woman he was in love with told him he'd better shape up or else. Also he looks a lot like Guy Ritchie, so that was weird for a while. I'd be in the grocery store and for a second think, "Why's my uncle on The Enquirer with Madonna?"

So anyway, the song. The way Madonna sang it in later iterations, I like it. I can't stand the version that became a #1 hit. The Betty Boop voice is just ugh. I love a lot of Madonna's music, and she would be something of an inspiration to me in later days, with her unapologetic persona as a woman who liked and wanted sex -- and enjoyed shocking the censorious -- but I was 8 at the time. I didn't get any of it, I just knew she sounded squeaky in this song and it bugged me.

BEST OF 1984: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper. WORST OF 1984: "Hello" by Lionel Richie

Friend with the enemy - Chapter 1: The pretty boy

Masterlist     | Chapter 2 - next

Chapter: 1/4 | Oikawa x reader

Words: 2.816

Warning: none

(y/n) = your name | (l/n) = last name | (e/c) = eye colour | (h/c) = hair colour

“Do you want me to help you carry all those bottles?" you hear Tendou’s voice next to you. “No. They’re not that heavy. You better go warm up with the others. The game against Aobajohsai won’t be easy." You answer him seriously, but keep looking forward to the gym.

“Don't worry about it. We will break their little helpless heart in two.” Tendou suddenly starts singing and goes to his remaining teammates. Sighing, you shake your head. You’d love to know what’s going on in his head every day. No... actually not.

You put the bottles all on a small table next to the bench on which your trainers sit and put together a bench and a table for the opponents. After all, their trainers must be able to sit somewhere. Just when you want to lift the bench alone, Semi comes up to you and helps you carry it. “Eita, I want you to warm up. Please...I can do this on my own, all right?" you smile kindly. “Yes, I know (y/n). But you shouldn’t wear that heavy stuff on your own. I'm going already.” a narrow grin can be seen on his face before he joins his team to warm up.

From a distance you can hear a bus that stops at your school grounds and you look out. The school logo of Aobajohsai can be seen on it and for the last time before the game starts you get the boys together.

“Everybody, listen to me! The bus has just arrived and the game will start in a few minutes. It’s just a friendly game, but I want you to take a good look at your opponents. Analyze them. Get to know them. Remember their weaknesses and look at their strengths. Even if you are one of the best players in Japan, you can also learn from the others. So give your best and win!" determined, you call them.

“Thank you!” they all respond to you energetically and even the tears flow at one or the other. Some of them are really... built very close to the water when you say something. After a short moment they look at their coach. “I have nothing to add to her words. Be glad to have such a good manager. If you lose, you’ll all run a hundred rounds around school." The grim announcement of your coach was the exact opposite of your motivational speech, but the team also thanked him energetically and put themselves up for the greeting.

You step out of the gym to welcome the team of Aobajohsai and accompany them to the gym when some girls from your school start screaming like crazy. Leaning against the windows, they look at a certain person. The setter of Aobajohsai Tooru Oikawa. Enthusiastic about the girls, he waves to them.

Tooru Oikawa... He is known as a very intelligent player with an insanely good jumping stroke and as a setter he can put himself perfectly in his team members' shoes... But he is also known as a pretty boy who wants to wrap everything around his finger with two legs and a short skirt.

When they arrive, Oikawa turns the eyes off of the screaming girls and looks at you. Shortly you have the feeling that he looks at you and does not know what to say but this feeling lasts only briefly.

“Hello beauty. I am Tooru Oikawa, an incredibly good setter and incredibly good-looking." He grins stupidly. “Hello. (y/n) (l/n).” you answer barely with a nod. But inside, you roll your eyes. “Oikawa, you idiot! Stop flirting with the women here and concentrate on the upcoming game!" A dark-haired young man yells at him.

If you are right, the man in front of you would have to be Hajime Iwaizumi, the outside hitter, better said their ace and vice captain. “Hello, I’m Hajime Iwaizumi. I’m really sorry he’s so intrusive. You can't teach that idiot any manners. Sometimes Shittykawa doesn't know his limits.” Iwaizumi responds and strikes Oikawa with much force against the back of his head.

“Owie Iwa-chan! That hurt.” pounds the until now still happy Oikawa. “You don’t have to apologize for your friend. Please come to the hall, so we can start the game." You answer quietly, and maybe a little too cold. Even before the young men can say anything, you have already turned around and wave to them with a hand movement so that they follow you.

In the gym, the two teams welcome each other and you sit down next to your coach on the bench. You pick up your notepad and pen and start analyzing the opponents with the starting whistle and at the same time evaluating your team’s performance. You can win the first set with ease, just like you expected from your team. The second set seems to be more difficult. The score is 18:18.

Oikawa is now on with his serve. Completely concentrated, he takes a deep breath before he throws the ball into the air and makes a jump strike. “He lands in the left corner." You mumble to yourself and your coach looks at you skeptically. With full force it lands in the left corner of your playing field. “hm!” It escapes you and a small grin makes itself visible in your face. As if Oikawa had heard your low voice and your previous words, he looks in your direction and slightly opens his mouth.

Now you roll your eyes and look at your team. “Put some effort into it! This is a tragedy!" you call them energetically, and they apologize to you. Next to you, you hear your coach laughing. “I don’t know why I’m still sitting here. They seem to listen better to you anyway, (l/n)." sighs your coach. You do not consider it necessary to give him an answer and continue to follow the game. Much more serious and concentrated your team looks at the opposing team and as expected they win after only ten minutes the set and thus also the game.

While both teams are still stretching and changing after the game, you go to the canteen to prepare the vegetables and meat for the joint grilling. The trainers had thought about this idea since the members should exchange with each other about strengths and weaknesses.

You prepare the meat and vegetables on the plates and place a plate on your right forearm, take two plates in your hand and just want to take two more plates in your left hand when you hear a voice from the entrance door to the canteen. “(l/n), right? Do you need help with anything?" Iwaizumi looks at you with a questioning look and walks towards you.

“No, thank you. I can do it myself.” you answer him in a calm tone and set yourself in motion. You don’t want to cause him any more trouble. After all, he is one of the players invited by your school. “What a gentleman I would be if I didn’t help you with all these plates.” he laughs and takes two of your plates from you to take the last remaining plate. “All you have to do now is show me where we have to go with all the food." He then notes. “But you really didn’t have to help me." You answer him and go ahead, behind the sports hall where a table has already been set up to put down the plates with the food.

You put the plates down and you just want to go back to the canteen to pick up the drinks for everyone as you see Semi, Tendou and Ushijima already coming towards you with the drinks and some coal for the grill as well as paper plates and cups. In tow are both teams with their coaches. “You didn’t really think I’d let you carry all those heavy bottles, did you?" Ushijima asks you while he places the water bottles on the table. “Yes, you could have said something, you know that we always help you little (y/n)." Tendou continues and Semi nods in agreement. “Thank you. But you know that my job as a manager is to prepare such things alone?" you sigh. Just when Semi wants to answer you, you hear another voice where you only have to roll with your eyes.

“Iwa-chan! What are you doing?” Oikawa meddles and Iwaizumi rolls his eyes irritated. “Everybody, listen to me! We’ll start grilling now. You are responsible for putting the things you want to eat on the grill. Drinks are also available. So enjoy the rest of the evening." Your coach calls out to the crowd and everyone says thank you to him and goes to dinner.

You actually want to wait until the boys have packed their portions on the grill and then on their plates, but Ushijima apparently has something against it.

“Here. Lots of vegetables, little meat. Just the way you like it best." with a narrow smile, he offers you a plate of already grilled vegetables and a small portion of grilled turkey breast. About Ushijima, it is said that he laughs little... strangely enough he laughs a lot with you. “Thank you Wakatoshi." you also answer with a narrow grin and sit a little away from the whole people on the meadow.

“Can I sit next to you?" Oikawa grins at you, but before you can answer him, he is already sitting next to you. Briefly you look at him, but then turn to your plate with the food. “This really looks pretty yummy what you have chosen." Still grinning he tries to keep up the conversation. "Wakatoshi did this for me." you answer coolly and take another bite of your vegetables. “Wakatoshi? Are you guys together or why is he doing this?" surprised he puts his head upside down.

“Wakatoshi is a pretty nice young man. Do you want something in particular from me Oikawa?" You answer him and you finally want your peace. “Tell me... how did you know where my jump strike was going to end up?" in a serious voice, he moves a little closer to you and looks at you. “Oh? Did you hear that?" you ask him in wonder and place your now empty plate next to you.

“Yes. And I just wonder how you knew. You must have played volleyball yourself, right? Or are you really so good at analyzing your opponent?" His eyes are pinched as he tries to see through you. “I was introduced to playing volleyball at a young age. I also played for a long time, but I can’t play any more because of a knee injury." Sighing, you look at your legs. You’re not telling him that Ushijima was the one who got you to play volleyball. You’ve known each other for a long time what you can’t say about Oikawa.

“Oh... I’m really sorry. I don’t know what I’d do if I stopped playing volleyball. Volleyball is everything to me." With a serious look, he looks at your legs first and then up into the sky. For being so popular with women, he seems to be a brute. Volleyball was also important to you, but you are always looking forward to seeing your team play and supporting them with your analyses and tips.

From the corner of your eye you look at Oikawa and notice how he suddenly gets big eyes and looks at you hastily. “I am so sorry! That was really tactless of me." Oikawa tries to apologize. “It's all right." you answer coolly. “No, it is not. You know, I always have my day off on Mondays. I don’t train there. I’ll pick out a nice place to invite you and you’ll be served by me all day. What do you think of it?" Flirtatiously he smiles at you and tilts his head.

Sighing, you try to figure out how best to refuse, but before you can even bring out a sensible sentence, Oikawa holds your hands in his. “You can’t refuse now. Really. I want to apologize to you. That was really rude of me and I would really like to see a smile on your lips. If I manage to make you laugh, I have already reached my goal." He laughs kindly and a bit embarrassed. "All right..." you say with a grin. You see how he’s trying to ask you something as you hear another voice.

“Hey, (y/n), you should have a drink." Ushijima stands before you and hands you a cup of water. “Oh, thank you, Wakatoshi." you thank him and take the cup from him and drink the water completely. “Am I disturbing you?" he asks thoughtfully and looks back and forth between you and Oikawa.

“No. I was just leaving anyway." You answer and just want to take the cup and your plate in your hand, but Oikawa interrupts you in your movement. “Wait! How should I contact you?" he calls to you questioning. Giggling, you take a pen out of the pocket of your blouse and pull the hand with which Oikawa holds you and write a few numbers on his forearm. “This is my cell number. You should write it down before you take a shower and the number’s gone. See you Oikawa." Grinning, you and Ushijima go back to the others.

“Did Oikawa want something from you?" Ushijima asks you on the way back. “He wanted to apologize to me and invited me on a date. It’s a long story, I guess." You laugh and hook up with him. “Oh? A date? Mh... You can tell me about it when we are back home." he answers you curiously before you arrive at the others. Having arrived at the others, you hear Iwaizumi calling his crew together.

They seem to want to leave. You all say goodbye to each other and you start cleaning up the barbecue area. Semi, Tendou and Ushijima help you even though you told them you didn’t need help. Together with the boys it doesn’t take long until you make your way home with Ushijima. Once there, you both put your bags down and sit down on the sofa to watch your favorite show like every night.

**Beep-Beep** Suddenly you hear your phone vibrating in your chest pocket. Ushijima looks at you questioning as you are about to take out your phone and read a message from an unknown number.

You’re still answering grinning and putting your phone away as you hear a laugh from your right side. “So, so a friend... Just finish the message. The commercial is over soon and the show continues. Let’s see it through and then you can keep writing with your friend." Ushijima answers you and draws quotes into the air with his index and ring fingers. You give him a friendly punch in the arm and stick out your tongue.

After the show, you both get ready for bed and each of you goes to your own bedroom. In your bed, you and Oikawa write texts until night. Shortly before three o'clock at night you notice how your eyes get heavier and you are about to fall asleep when your phone vibrates again in your hand.

Pretty tired you read his message but fall asleep right away.

Chapter 2 - Smile for me

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