#i think its kinda funny that my internet friends always know more about me than my own parents... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

de4dlyniightshade · 3 months

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heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

#📬 maeve's mailbox!#screaming crying throwing up #genuinely will think abt this for a long time #everyone deserves messages like this

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ecoamerica · 23 days

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

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karisomk · 1 year

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Professor Tenoch AU

This is just humor.

"Bro, I don't know why you're bugging right now. Just ask for a extension. Professor Tenoch is really nice."

Your eyes flickered close while you rubbed your forehead and neck gently, trying to do anything to cease the hangover. Placing the cold bottle of gingerale to your forehead, you shook your head in response.

"Noooo...I just can't. I gotta take the loss on this assignment. I have to, I can't lie to him when he looks at me. Sometimes I just feel like he knows. Like last time, when I told him I was having internet issues but we ended up just binging a show on Netflix."

Your friend chuckles softly, "Hey thats on you. I told you to stop posting everything but you just had to show off your pajamas that day and rant about HER. You gotta change your view settings, girl."

You snorted in response and rolled your eyes, but you bite your bottom lip. "Besides I think this time... he might of saw our insta story from last night."

"That video of you with your mouth open drinking Sake from that squirt bottle with Chef?"

Your friend bursted out laughing and shook your shoulder, you grew even more embrassed.

"It's not funny-!"

This only made your friend laugh harder before she tried catching her breath.

"Listen, you're a adult. So what? I mean I guess I would be kinda mortified too, if my professor saw me open mouth chugging sake from a squirt bottle with a hibachi chef who was amazed you didn't spill any and dranked it all. You had the chef shook, more so when you licked your lips afterwards."

"Shush! Why are you so loud?!" You huffed at her.

"You're only overthinking about cause you think Professor Tenoch is fine. I wonder has he figured out some of your vague horny posting is about him." Your friend bluntly pointed out while she batted her eyes.

"You are still so loud right now! Friend, you gotta lie for me. Please tell him I got sick or something. Something!" You whined. Your friend simply side-eyed you while crossing her arms over her chest, sucking her teeth in response. "Oh please, like he'll listen to me anyway. All you gotta do is go in there and give him those sad eyes you do all the time when you're nervous about your grade. He'll listen." "I- I do not do that. But please don't leave me!" You watch your friend scurry away even while you huff, she only laughs some more in response.

"And that's why your laugh sounds like an empty spray bottle!" You yelled after her. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ You procrastinated about seeing Professor Tenoch after your classes, even avoiding his gaze while you were in his class. Those light brown eyes made your heart flutter, but always made you spill the truth to him. Those disappointed looks from him always hurt more than seeing him slightly annoyed. With a slow exhale, you knocked on his classroom door a hour before it was time for him to leave. "Yes, come in." You peak in with a sheepish grin, "Hey, Professor Tenoch. I.. wanted to speak to you." He flashed a small smile and beckoned you to come in, "Well we still have some time and I wanted to ask you if everything was okay? You looked very tired in class today."

You nodded at first, taking a seat across from his desk, "Everything is fine just wasn't feeling too well today. I-I wanted to ask you if I could talk about the assignment that was due today." "Mhm, what about it?" Your stomach fluttered and your chest burned from being nervous, willing yourself to lie on the spot. You didn't look him recognizing that tone, so you kept your gaze elsewhere. His hands or his hair while you spoke. "I-welll uh. See, I lost my hard drive stick yesterday with all my assignments and I tried looking to see if I had any other backups for it in my email drive on my computer. And it turns out that my cat somehow stole my harddrive stick." "So its very damaged. I was wondering if I could have a few days at least for an extension?" You blurted out. When you finally did look up at him, it was hard to keep a straight face at the way Tenoch held his chin. His slight raised brows and those brown eyes that just saw threw you. Your mouth was going dry and your heart was thumping wildly in your chest. You were a bad liar. A terrible liar. The long silence made things worst and for a second you were about to apologize and just blurt out the truth. But when Tenoch sighed and tapped his pen lightly on the desk, "Fine. Three days. Three. You can turn in your work then. " Your eyes lit up at him buying your terrible excuse and you shot up to your feet. "Thank you! I swear I have it done in three days maybe even two! You are the best!" you beamed. Only running around the desk to hug him lightly, "Alright, alright now go. " he chuckled. Moving to grab your bag and you moved to leave the classroom waving goodbye to him. "Oh and (insert name). " Tenoch said while raising to his feet, and grabbing his own bag. "I didn't know you liked Sake like that." Tenoch flashed a smile and laughed softly when you began to stammer loudly.

#short story #tenoch huerta #fanfic #black reader

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submalevolentgrace · 2 years

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can you explain your relationship with the word trap? i am into reclaiming slurs big time but that one always felt a step too far. I associate it with the tropes that trans people are deceptive, the trans panic defense, and reactionary trans ppl who i feel like kind of sell us out. But i also know that reclaiming can be really powerful, and that other slurs imply similarly horrible things. Would love to hear your thoughts!

gonna be honest, i don't have particularly strong feelings about the word 'trap' these days, i mostly just threw it on the list to round it out, and replace a few other words i didn't want to imply were slurs. i used to like it but i've grown up and kinda left it behind, i usually only ever call myself a trap if it makes for a funny joke among friends

you're right that it has pretty awful connotations, and i think it's perfectly understandable to find it particularly bad

for my personal context: in the era and corners of the internet where i spent my late teens and early 20's, around the time i came out for good, the words 'trap' and 'futa' were absolutely everywhere and had a mostly positive aura about them; politically incorrect yes, fetishistic yeah often, sometimes used derisively yeah ofc; but on the whole, used in the context of desire, approval, and goals. traps were cute and beautiful, but also usually overtly gender noncomforming and obviously trans; something that brought me great comfort as i struggled with passing and others' perceptions of myself. things have obviously changed since then, 'futa' seems to be universally understood as negative nowdays (unless it's being wilfully misrepresented to use a 90's nintendo power interview with a minor sprite artist to twist facts); while 'trap' has become impolite at best in mainstream, but seems to be relatively evenly split between alt right memers using it to couch hate, and being used with pride and love by that genre of hypersexual intentionally subversive 'fuck gender' femboy/tgirl crowd; and all the power to them for it!

the answer the broader question though, in general i think that the 'slur vs reclaimed' way of looking at words is.... bad and unhelpful at best, and a tool to disguise horizontal violence more often than not. it presumes that there's a monolithic "us" that can be defined in opposition to a "them", and that "we" can achieve consensus agreement on a single lexicon of words that are good and bad... which is basically false assumptions all the way down! but constructing a monolithic "us" and aggressively enforcing language use is a good tool for those that want to erase certain people/identities/cultures they don't like, by subsuming them into approved boxes withing the monolith.

i'm much more fond of the idea of 'words of power': that because of cultural use, certain words are particularly strong and sharp and impactful: faggot, dyke, cripple, crazy, whore, slut... a bunch of racial and ableist words i personally don't feel comfortable saying.... but you get the idea. words that, for no reason other than how they are and have been used, land in a sentence with the impact of a brick, no matter the context.

and if they're going to hit powerfully no matter what.... why not use them ourselves? some guy on the street shouting "fucken dyke!" at me and my girlfriend as he walks by has selected that word for its power, in his mind its power to hurt. i could cower from him and exhaust myself trying to 'educate' people that word is a 'slur' and fight an endless battle that said man won't ever care about, and constantly update the list of unspeakable words as he finds some new thing to shout hatefully instead... or i could snap around in an instant a shout back "fucken right i am!", sticking up two fingers and licking in a crude combination of "fuck you" and "i eat pussy" at the same time... and the power is mine again. he doesn't know how to react, he fumbles his words and his feet, and i'm gone by the time he gathers himself. it's not even that i've taken the word back from him; it wasn't his to begin with because i was already holding it. he tried to come at me with a sword, and not only does he find it doesn't hurt me, he suddenly sees that i'm fucking made out of swords! i'm not some self loathing, fearful target anymore. i'm a fucken dyke! a queerass ladyfaggot bitch! oh you wanna stab me? i'm a goddamned sword golem, motherfucker!

obviously there's a time and a place. the above not-hypothetical guy shouted at me on a busy melbourne street where i was confident enough i'd be defended and/or a sympathetic victim if he turned violent; and that's not always assured. but when it's safe, holding words of power, words meant to hurt me, definitely makes me feel safe powerful and and strong... especially compared to constantly running on a treadmill of ever changing "acceptable" terms mostly invented years after i came out.

i mean, i've had a crucifix-wearing psychiatrist say "LGBT person" at me with such dripping hatred that i knew she would lock me in the psych ward as punishment for my sin if she had the slightest chance... anything we call ourselves will become a word of hatred for people that hate us. and let me tell you, being able to turn it back around and say "actually i prefer to be called queer" at her, and seeing the shock in her face contrasted against the stifled smirk of her subordinate next to her.... it feels good! real good. a sharp word of power deployed tactically at the right time can teach a bigot that they can't control you, because you've got the courage and anger to fight back.

of course, words of power have to be wielded willingly. i'm proud to be queer, but i know that word doesn't sit right with everyone (the word gay doesn't sit right with me, i get it), so i try to keep mental tabs on my friends and keep words to myself depending on company. (people that insist i change my beloved identity because they don't like it get cut out of my life). and if some abled shithead is trying to force """help""" on me i'm happy joke about my "cripple skills", but i'd never call another disabled person that word unless i'd heard them self identify with it first, because it's up to each and every one of us what we're comfortable with.

anyway, i think i rambled away from the original point a bit... but yeah, hope that kinda answers.

TL;DR i think trap is a fine word if people want to use it, because despite its literal etymology being pretty awful as you describe, it also has some positive cultural use, and words always exist in some context; there's no such thing as a word without context. i wouldn't die on the hill of defending that specific word, but i do have a fortress on the hill of "let people use whatever words they want for themselves, even and especially 'slurs'" that i will defend to the death.

also. if i could psionically project a gif of admiral ackbar in midair every time a radiologists asks me if i there's a chance i'm pregnant, i 100% would.

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raisinchallah · 6 months

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I felt that book post so much as someone who doesnt really like reading classics or mainstream contemporary stuff its so hard to find other people who share my taste in books or who will have like any idea what I’m talking abt when I bring up the stuff I like reading :( I also always find it funny when people argue about classics vs. YA as if those are the only two types of book in existence

yeah i mean i do mean classics in like an extremely broad sense like more in the sense u will see say the same 5 books recommended within certain genres or subgenres like this book is a classic of sad haunted house fiction or pretentious sci fi read by specific types of nerds or whatever like the fact that even when u find really niche communities each little group has their 5-10 always recommended books that can often be quite good you know important interesting books for really specific genres or whatever but its like surely people know about more than those and then like of the moment contemporary releases which tbh are often things that get forgotten about once people sit around with it for a bit like ive always been the type of person to simply wait and see what sounds good after the hype dies down rather than jump to read or watch something when everyones talking about it i like to let stuff sit see if its good or not... yeah those conversations are sooo funny like literally there are things other than classics and ya there are literally endless amounts of books nobody is even talking about... it also really sucks cuz books that get kinda forgotten that are say 20+ years old also can often be out of print and simply not even in the consciousness idk i feel like im simply sitting around wondering about all the books out there people have simply forgotten like i went to this lgbt library with my bestie when i visited them and literally the kinds of books they had like stuff put out by niche gay presses that had very little circulation people writing like lesbian james bond parody romance novels in the 90s and insanely long self published gay vampire novels with weird photoshopped covers that their friends wrote blurbs about how it might be the next great american novel and like complex gay elf wizard relationship drama in a 5 book fantasy epic involving gay music festivals or whatever im like damn we have literally only scratched the surface of books u think exist... wait anon tell me an interesting book u have read recently or idk whats ur book taste :3 oh idk if u are interested in sci fi or not but i think this got a bit into my head also from reading a really cool passage from this book on someones blog they just posted it and then beign like damn whats this book i have to read it hmm my library doesnt have it oh hmm its been out of print for years but this looks super cool anyways the books the fortunate fall by raphael carter idk if i will like it or not but idk its really interesting so many people acting like idk they are inventing writing weird gay and trans sci fi now but people have been doing this for years its just often out of print or forgotten about and idk i feel like its cool discovering weird books like that anyways its on the internet archive apologies if u hate it or anything but idk ok anyways <3

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strawberryscorp · 1 year

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thanks for the tag @ace-aussie-asshole <33

hanks for tagging me @ace-aussie-asshole 🫶

Are you named after anyone?

no, but my full name is actually really pretty. its really uncommon as well, and i let a lot of compliments on it. i wish this wasnt the internet because if i could i would brag about my name all the time haha

When was the last time you cried?

just now, actually. i had my first therapy session ever and it was kinda scary, but my therapist was really kind and we didnt get into anything super triggering yet. she also had a squishmallow frog on her couch that i held the whole time, but there was a dino one on her desk and maybe next time i’ll ask if i can hold that one instead. i really like dinosaurs.

Do you have any kids?

nope, and i dont plan to. i dont think i could handle the pressure of raising a literal human being without fucking them up. i think i’ll just stick to babysitting instead

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

yes haha, but almost always in a joking setting. i try not to ever be sarcastic in a way that sounds rude, yk? i am very good at picking up sarcasm, however, and its really funny when i do. a lot of people seem mean and sarcastic when theyre actually just being funny and its a beautiful realization when that sinks in

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

their facial expressions. i notice the way their face moves, and how they react to stuff. its jsut interesting for me.

What’s your eye colour?

deeep deep brown (the best color). they look almost black. someone told me that when i look in the sun i get little sparkles and my eyes look like the night sky, and thats stuck with me for a while.

Scary movies or happy endings?

well, im weak and i physically cannot watch anything scary. i dont think ive watched a movie that doesnt have a happy ending, if im gonna be honest. as you mightve guessed, disney movies are my favorite.

Any special talents?

i can hoola-hoop really well. my record is four at a time

Where were you born?

the usa (WHAT THE 🦅 IS A KILOMETERR)

What are your hobbies?

reading, writing, listening to music, drawing. id like to get into crochet.

Do you have any pets?

no, but i want one so damn bad. i really love dogs, but the neighborhood where me and my family live doesnt allow them.

What sports do you play/have you played?

i used to play soccer. by play i mean i would pick flowers and stare at the clouds. but i had fun, and thats all that matters.

How tall are you?

not gonna lie i have no idea. im like, slightly less than medium height? lmao i dont really know

Favourite subject at school?

maths, i know i know im a nerd. im just really good at it right now, and a lot of my friends come to me instead of the teacher when they need something explained which brings me so much joy.

Dream job?

honestly? a youtuber or content creator. slightly more realistically, an artist. or someone that works with animals. im pretty open to a lot of careers

@caramelapplesauce

im not sure who else to tag so moots and followers feel free to do this too <33

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bunnypopgal · 2 months

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Hello. It's been a few years since i made this blog and made my first post. I now deleted my first post bc i found it to be cringe and honestly really painful. i have grown a lot in these past years and have seemingly beat my hallucinations for now. i know that will most likely come back prob once i become a mother one day but i feel more prepared to beat them again.

Other than that i dumped and got dump by two partners, made and lost almost all my friends besides one. dont judge by like im sure many of us are im a sucker for the friends turned lovers trope and well ive been dating my best friend for almost going 2 years now. he has been super accepting, a wonderful partner and my biggest support thru it all so far. hes my only support system honestly.

i am deeply scared to make friends again after what my last friend did to me.. for years and i just let her. i cant really blame it on having low self worth either since i honestly really like myself and who i am but more so i didnt know HOW to be treated by others. let me be clear NOT how I treat others, no-no but HOW others SHOULD treat ME. isnt that nuts? you think that would be something we just have inside of us as humans (or otherwise) that we would just KNOW that. i dont FEEL like a doormat either but maybe i am. not with everyone, mind you. just like people ive grown to have developed a trusting bond in with respect packed in there like a mozzie stick, yum, ya know? i love em like chosen family and youre gonna body shame me for not being short for a woman, like what? you think i wouldve picked it out asap that chick SCREAMED pick me but i also saw her good qualities too which is why i wanted to be friends with her... i trusted her a lot. Oh well tho.

As much as it still hurts sometimes the fear is still there. i, as a woman also fear other woman. i know, i know. there is so many other wonderful women out there who would never treat me so badly but my brain is gone broken from so many traumatizing events over and over again. it irrational, i know it. its also isolating. i dont go out much at all but honestly blame the economy for that. i plan to be getting a part time job soon which you can also blame the economy for haha but also i want to meet people and have some kinda structure in my life again. hoping for friends right now is something im maybe not ready for honestly i think ill just start with talking to people again and let that be that. i hope to get some kind of a cleaning job so it will be a little to no talking to people depending on where im set up.

im just kinda scared to open myself up again to other people. online of course is different mainly besides the usual explanation but also for me, the internet is a black hole where NO ONE see the crap i shit out which includes my art i make sadly. i dont really try all like hard to make people see it anyways. i am still scared of people after all.

anyways today i have plans to hang out with my partner before he has to go to work. im hoping we can play palworld together again hehe. Other than that its house chores and back to drawing for me today. i just came out of another depressive episode recently so i have a few great messes to clean up. its a good thing i like cleaning, ya know when i dont feel like i wanna disappear. what can i say, its genetic. thanks, dad haha.

im planning to get back into my old hobbies too like live streaming. ive been live streaming all over the internet off and on since i was maybe 14. im 23 now so 10 years!!! WOWIE!! when i was growing up my family would joke around saying i need my own reality show haha. i do have a huge personality, ig but thats something im very comfortable and like about myself. bold and funny, i think!! streaming is a super relaxing thing to me. i talk to myself anyways and i always have. you dont stay this "sane" without talking to yourself to fight off the loneliness haha.

that reminds me recently my partner told me he found me to be a "increaser of morale, an inspiring person, you're motivating and you make being emotionally positive SO EASY." im still so stunned and very very VERY flattered he told me that! even if its not true im glad he feels that way bc thats a nice way to be. hes very very sweet to me.

well i could write forever right now honestly but i should probably go drink enough water to take out a house fire so i dont die of dehydration.

oh, if only. (JOKING)

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schneizel · 7 months

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the story of how I became a fujoshi

a funny story but it's personal at the end of the day!

It all began in summer ... Kidding, I have no idea what season it was. But this person was but browsing the Internet innocently when she started seeing that word floating around her favorite forums, boards and general "otaku" communities on the web: "yaoi". Actually, "shounen ai" too.

(Thunder would strike now, totally.)

So at first obviously I had no idea what that was. I was very young - not even reached puberty yet - but I was a bit younger than my fandom friends at that time, so they were kinda "eeeerrm" about explaining that to me, but as I was a well-known conoisseur of yuri (because my nickname was Michiru Kaioh for quite some time and even though I liked her for other reasons, of course by then I knew ... way more than a 8yo should about yuri) they chose to explain anyway. But of course... well, yaoi in general was quite raunchy when compared to yuri so they had to tell me that too and I was kinda "ew" at first. I used to read yuri manga but that was basically, um, shoujo with two girls really (which made it LESS problematic than most popular 90s shoujo where the boy would almost always be a rapist or an asshole in some way...) so of course I was kinda "thanks but no" about yaoi in general also because yaoi fangirls were rabid and all that (remember yaoi paddles?!) so anyway for some time... I was like "yaoi? Oh yes, I know. No, I don't like. No I'm not homophobic I just don't like it lol" about it honestly. Even though my best friends at that time liked it I was quite "ew" and "that's ok man to each their own" .

That's how it all began. My first anime fandom (as in series I religiously followed weekly episode releases) was Ouran Host Club and even though it was well a shoujo parody anime (and I was into it for the parody as I was Haruhi To A T and didn't get along with rabid fangirls) it was a very smart one that made me rethink my irrational hatred of rabid fangirls a bit and also some other things. And among these, well... Basically my best boy (that was Kyouya Ootori yes) had great scenes with the protagonist just like everyone else in that reverse harem, and I shipped them loads, but he ... was 100% driven by his relationship with dumb best guy friend Tamaki I guess. It definitely seemed to me more like a love triangle. The more I saw into it, the more I got into the triangle and from there I also began reading "TamaKyo" (actually, KyoTama was my fav lol) fanfic and stuff because I couldn't get enough of my husbando lol. Anyway, from there I learned more about all of it - uke, seme, erodoujin, mpreg - wait but no really but I wasn't entirely sold on "liking BL" yet though my best friend reeeeeally wanted me to just indulge in BL too lol. At some point I watched Princess Princess which was similarly to Ouran a shoujo parody (but in this case of BL manga and its tropes) and was super into it, but the author was also a prolific BL author under another penname so there was a gay ship/couple between the main characters that of course was better than every other ship in that series. But I STILL wasn't entirely sold. Come on! Don't care for guys fucking (actually, I was so Haruhi To A T I didn't really care for anybody fucking - took me a while to realize I was Actually Asexual really ; ; ;) nor am I a guy so why should I actively seek M/M stuff?

That's when, well, It happened. By "it" I mean she set a trap for me. (... This is such a good story I tell people to this day, sorry @ friend. ) She sent me an episode of Gravitation on Messenger saying I had to watch it and I was like "yeah yeah ..." because I couldn't refuse it anymore or maybe it was a dare or something. I downloaded it so she'd be satisfied and had it on my PC thinking "well, let's just let it rot..." and then she asked to come over on the weekend and to put it plainly she robbed me of my mouse and keyboard and played it on my PC. Here I am screaming internally because I'm 12 and my parents are around and she's like "watch it. Just watch it." and I didn't want them to realize I was making a fuss over it so I just watched it. I was very annoyed at first really, but by the end of the episode I was... kind of glad Shuichi didn't really look like a guy anyway and thought it wasn't THAT bad just kinda lame. Anyway, nobody got hurt (maybe?) and then she went home and begged me on Messenger to watch more of it. I think I gave it a try for whatever reason and before I knew it I had fallen in love .......... with Ryuichi Sakuma ; ; ; ; ;

COME ON RYUICHI IS AMAZING. Easily on my top anime guys to this day. He is pretty, talented, famous, slightly batshit has a split personality and one is cool and the other is cute and funny I meannnnnndfbndn !!! Also I hated Yuki but I was RyuShu trash and that never really changed. Murakami Maki was dumb for not exploring the ship better. Anyway, this is the story of how my fandom bff and Kyouya Ootori and Taishi Zaou and Ryuichi Sakuma turned me into a BL fan. From there I watched other friends' recs like GetBackers (fell in love! ALSO, KAZUKI ..........) and it all went downhill from there. By 2007 I was like "but there are bishounen ... and we SHIP" and that's kinda how it goes to this day lol. So after that I lost all of my pride and went on Gaia to ask for recommendations of "anime with great slash ships", discovered Code Geass ... and that's where I'm now I guess.

Fun story.

#blogging

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hummelig · 9 months

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fandoms & growing up

Soo. I am not really sure if that will make a lot of sense, but I think I'm now kinda able to verbalize these thoughts and feelings I've been having for well over 2 years and it would mean the world to me if there's someone who can relate to that.

So, as a lot of tumblr users, I got into fandom culture pretty young (like 11 years old). And at that age, you get easily influenced by everything and your mind just fixates on stuff. Like Books, YouTubers, Bands, etc. And as a child, I spent all my free time either consuming content about that thing I was obsessed with, giving other people an hour long rant about that thing, or search the world wide web for people who also like it.

I am person whose most important thing is human connection. I strive for it, I change myself and lie just to receive it (I'm working on that part dw), but I still never was really popular and always felt like an outsider kinda.

But back then it didn't matter to me (I was even proud of it), because being in those fandom groups gave me such a strong feeling of belonging and security, that I didn't need outside validation, I was being appreciated just for liking the things I did. I didn't care that people found me cringe, that I was maybe a bit of a nuisance by screaming "(ship) is real" or singing along to pop songs with their respective tumblr parodies, because the people in my phone thought I was cool and funny and that's what mattered to me.

But then, creepingly, something changes. And you cant really put a finger to it until its too late. Its normal that certain group chats go silent, but you just go look for new ones. Its normal your interest in something starts to fade, but in a week you've got a new show that you're obsessed with and the circle repeats. But searching for new groups becomes less and less a priority in the mess that is your teenage life with new responsibilities and dreams, and you become less obsessed with stuff and over the years you become just a normal enjoyer. If you happen to join fan groups, you loose interest pretty quickly. Talking only about that one thing is boring, people now need more than the same interests to become a friend.

The less internet friends you have, the more you look around yourself in the real world. And while you were so caught up in the magical world of your laptop, others made solidified relationships, went to therapy and overcame their mental illneses, and assimilated to start a good life as an adult. And xou dont belong. You feel alienated, dont really know how to do it like them, and because you didnt care about how you presented yourself, your reputation is already tainted.

(Which is fair in my case, because if I met my previous self I would find her cringe and annoying and overbearing, too)

Now you kinda dont belong in either world. You'd love to go back to your previous stuff; completely loosing yourself in something is such a freeing experience- concentrating your energy on that one thing while also getting a strong sense of community. But somehow you're unable to now, you have so much stuff to concentrate on, so many worries, you're too self aware to run away from your mental problems now.

So you look for community in the real world, but everything there seems too boring for you, you hate talking 24/7 in a moderate way about relationships, school drama, jobs, health stuff. No excited rambling, no ones eyes lighting up when the get to talk about their obsession. But you are also too boring now to be in fan groups or the be friends with people who are unapologetically themselves, because suddenly you care about how people perceive you.

And now it just feels like somethings missing. You always swore you would never be like those adults, who didn't have any strong feelings anymore, just moderance, but you get just like them. You don't get mad anymore if someone disses your favorite show or ship. When people ask you about it, you don't give them a 2 hour rant (powerpoint presentation included), but a short, 2 minute summary, because you know now it might not be interesting to them.

And suddenly you binge cringe compilations, which often consist of fandom people making questionable posts or those who think theyre half animal (not furries, I think they call themselves therians?) and you're like "damn cringe", but really you're super jealous because those people, have something they're super passionate about and put themselves out there. And you feel sorry for being such a hater bc ultimately it doesn't matter if someone runs around on their fours and hisses at people, as long as they're nice.

I mean I still try to seem like my old self, I wear a backpack with anime and meme pins, I start rants, I wear merchandise. But my hearts not in it. I feel self conscious. But I don't know if that's because that identity doesn't fit me anymore, or because Im too insecure and want the rl people to find me.

If I lived in a big city, stuff would be different. There would be rl fandom meetups and I could just look for community easier. But I live in an extremely rural area, I never really fit in here, the internet was my save haven. My school is an hour away, but still really really rural. No fan stuff. Maybe a few people who also were in fandoms, but also kinda grew out ig. I tell myself, when I move away, I will finally find people I belong to. But maybe I've became too boring, too judgy for those people.

For example, Ive always felt drawn to people who dressed really alternative like goths, but I think they could see how insecure I was, how my desire to be liked by everyone often became toxic, and stayed away. Maybe its the same way when I finally get away from here. Will I be able to commit to being with people out of the stupid norm again even though people will find me cringe, and not include me in their social circles? Idk.

And I long for the community I felt back then, made a tumblr, started reading Homestuck bc it was such an internet phenomenon. But I'm only a bystander, I dint have any rants to post about my favorite shows, and while Homestuck is an ok read, I cant nearly get into it as all the others did that read it.

Maybe Im too grown for some stuff now and that makes me sad. I never really tried to be like my fav anime character or roleplayed as them, all things that would make me feel cringe and also kinda bored now, but I wish I had experienced them. I wish, even in my fandom times, I wouldn't have been so insecure to express myself. And now its kinda too late? I am so envious of everyone with cringey phases they can laugh about now, I don't have many because I was too afraid. And Im still too afraid even though I act like I am not and idk. I just wish I was like 13 again.

tldr: I wanna be cringe gain without fearing others opinion but I'm too self conscious and adulting this that I wanna be a child again cry cry

#fandom #growing up #i hate adulting #mystuff

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rrxnjun · 1 year

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HECK YEAHHH!! 03 best line😌🥳i was so happy to find out he was born in 2003 cuz i swear it's so rare to find anyone born in 2003 in any band (or tbh even just content creators)!! we are superior for being older than him /j😌😌 WAIT LMAO THATS KIND OF COOL THAT ITS ON THE SAME DAY:o doyoung is my guy after jihoon he is just so great so i understand him hitting differently lmao

yeahhh iguess i love doing things that take a lot of patience although i'm a very impatient person😶 and i'm still on the start of my embroidery career but it's so fun!!! we are the coolest grandmas out there😎😎😎 dude i love plants but i always end up killing them so🤡 (ofc sending one immediately!!)

i'm so happy about it as well;-; I WILL BUT MY PICS ARE PROBABLY GOING TO BE LIKE PIXELS CUZ WE ARE KIND OF FAR BACK SO I WILL SEND U MAKE SURE TO SEND U PIXEL CALUM!!! will tell u all about it🫡

SORRY!! IT WASNT FOR COMFORT🥲 tbh as u should treasure is fun so ur phase is completely understandable!!! jihoon is the definition of perfect tbh just love the guy!! ooo i've never seen that i will go and watch that later👀 but losing ur shit is probs very much understandable🤣

WAIT ACTUALLY OH MY🤭💞but actually only write it if u want to!!! i don't want to force u!!! IT WILL BE!! MANIFESTING FOR IT TO BE AMAZING!!!!🥳🥳🥳(awww thank u so much🥹lmao that would be kind of funny ngl but maybe hopefully i will be comfortable enough to not be anon by then cuz i'm starting become more comfortable to post on the internet so i might save u from having to do that🤣)

i'm very glad it cheered u up!! i always love reading ur replies to me and they just cheer me up always tbh hihi🥹💗💕 (liebestraum anon💕)

TRULY !!! 03 line is so rare to see i think and thats why i automatically adopt every 03 liner i see 😭😭 also our bias taste is....the same. i am NOT surprised 😭😭

how can u be an impatient person then 😭😭 i get impatient w art and then i rush the details and it ends up looking like shit 😔 the only thing i dont feel like i rush is writing but even that sometimes gets hard to do LMAO 😭 i got so many plants for my bday also!!! im surprised they're not dead bc sometimes i forget to water them and im lowkey freestyling the care but i love all of them to death💓 wishing u good luck w your embroidery career and waiting for that bracelet !!

CANT WAIT FOR PIXEL CALUM!!!!!!! better than nothing 😔🤞

losing my shit is understanable but also it makes me feel silly like girlie that man doesnt know you and here u are in a parasocial relationship with him💔 watching ygtb made me so proud of him tho he grew so much as a person and a performer and so did all of them!!!

i woULD but see it occured to me that i have exams next week so i kinda lost my shit and now im spiraling instead of writing but. it wILL happen after !!!

omg i am glad to hear you are more comfy!!! i would never pressure u into anything bc i want u to be 100% comfortable but if u ever decide to come off anon i am welcoming you w open arms my friend 💓

to finish off this reply i want to apologize for being so late with it but i had a rough week full of stress and hangover 🤠 also i hope you are doing well and that you are taking care of yourself!!

#💌ask #liebestraum anon

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comingofagediaries · 1 year

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time passes and i still feel the same.

it's been almost 4 years that i feel this way. of course sometimes i feel like i've been getting older, mainly when i see a group of dumb teenagers on the street. the catch is that i still feel like i'm 16 or 17 (kinda).

i see the people i love getting older and i'm afraid to lose them. i saw the birth of both of my brothers and it's been more than a decade. it doesn't feel like yesterday, but to me it still feels like my 10 year old brother is a baby learning how to speak.

the people i thought were wise when i was a child, aren't so wise to me in these days. now i can see that it was maybe just my sweet innocence. it still hurts though.

the people i love age and i can do nothing about it.

the people i love get sick and i can do nothing about it.

the people i love die and i can do nothing about it.

i still haven't loved someone and i still have to be loved. i don't know how long it will take or if it'll ever happen or how long do i have.

i'm almost one year away from finishing uni. i don't know what happens after that when the world's been so crazy lately. it feels like everything i do is in vain.

working 12 or more hours is exhausting, but so does it exhausts my parents and i feel guilty to complain about it. i am exhausted.

i feel sad most of the time and everything's always a whirlwind of emotions. or maybe it's just pms, whatever u say.

your god is not my answer.

internet and games are a relief valve from the actual world, from my problems.

no one reads my CV and no one hires me. my parents say i shouldn't worry since i'm only 20, but i still worry about it.

i saw a classmate from highschool on the bus today. we talked for about half an hour. nothing has changed. she still feels the same, even though she admits she doesn't like it that much. i still feel the same. i feel dumb and a lot less intelligent than i used to feel, ever since i moved here. the bus ride felt like when we used to catch the same bus back home from school. the bus has changed though, it's a lot more fancier. well, the fancier a bus gets, i guess.

isn't it funny? a lot has changed since i last saw her. i have made new friends and i'm not in touch with old friends from school anymore. i think she's dating another guy, but i'm not sure. we both still look the same. actually... kinda, i think i look more tired than usual. the dark circles under my eyes can tell you that. her vibe shifted a little, but maybe she was just tired. we both have lived and worked in different places since we started uni. but we still catch the same bus home, sometimes.

i didn't feel like this last year. everything was way simpler with my scholarship. i miss living with my friends rent free and having money from my old job. i miss last year. i miss the way i was, i miss how carefree i was (even though i know i wasn't, because i'm always so anxious).

i don't feel pretty and i only feel like eating and sleeping. days don't have enough hours, i don't feel like an adult. i'm scared and excited about adulthood. i want independence but i'm also scared of its consequences.

i need money and i hate it. i hate money. i hate the concept of money. but it still feels so relieving to receive my wage.

my friendships don't feel like before. i don't remember the last time i went out just me and my best friend. i've been distant and my memory's shitty.

my friends lives feel easier and better than mine. how do you afford all that without working? how do you always have time to go out or to do something you like? how can people be so ungrateful? how can people be so out of touch with reality? my life is not the worst, but it has definitely been better.

nothing has changed, yet, everything has changed.

sorry for word vomiting, but that's just how i feel. actually i'm not sorry, you're the one who decided to read this.

what i'm actually sorry is if you relate to this, because i'm okay but i'm also in a really dark place.

#vent post #word vomit #nostalgia

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ecoamerica · 23 days

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

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sk3tch404 · 2 years

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You're definitely right about me being absolutely unsupervised as kid on the internet 💀 bro I was THERE when wretched Scary maze and 2girls1cup thing was making it's rounds oof, 'twas a wild childhood. I vividly remember getting a JTK jumpscare thrown at me in the YT comment section at some point :,) but honestly... the Proxies man,,, core memory unlocked, I read so many creepypasta mansion x reader's on quotev it ain't even funny. THE QUIZZES TOO OMFG.

On another note, it's interesting how nowadays the JTK origin story creepypasta is universally agreed upon to be rlly bad and they talk about how it had bad grammar. The thing is, when I was at the very beginning of my CP phase, I didn't know shit about English, the only thing I had at hand were the translations of the most famous Pasta's and the translators rlly didn't fuck around when it came to grammar and localisation. I honestly think that if the translations hadn't been THAT good, I wouldn't have liked Jeff or the Pastas as much as I did, like these damned translations dragged me into the creepypasta fandom with no mercy. What also didn't help was the Yassification of every pasta in the form of fanart 😔 although some of them were still scary (I once saw a fanart of JTK, with the OG scary image face, smacked on top of an unreasonably well drawn feminine body in a skimpy bikini 💀💀). Honestly though, think I had crush on most Human-leaning creepypastas at some point. Not LJ though, lil me had a Clownphobia and this guy used to scare me shitless 🥲 good times, good times. The funniest thing about crushing on Hoodie and Masky for me though, was that I did not watch Marble Hornets until recently. My view on their personality was solely shaped by the fanfics I read on them agh :,)

Holy shit the edgy AMVs though- I was OBSESSED with them. They really shaped my music taste (linkin park & Melanie Marrinez my beloved <3) I still have some of them (the videos) in a playlist actually. Want a taste of what I was hyperfixating on when I was younger? lol

Also kinda funny how I'm stumped when I have to write essays at school but I can casually drop 200+ words whenever I send an ask too you, like I'm writing a long letter to a friend in ye olden times (Victor would be proud 😔✊)

-Ren'py anon

RENPY ANON ITS BECAUSE UR HAVING FUN!!!

I'm soooo glad I've found someone else who also played quotev quizzes and read those fics 😭 the quizzes were always fun, but it was always one of four. The seven minutes in heaven ;) , Which creepypasta is ur bf?, 24 hours with this character, and what does this character think about you?

WHOOO RENPY NONNIE the seven minutes in heaven quizzes I was taking when I was 10 were NO DAMN JOKE 😭

For most of these quizzes, they were also made my pre teens/teenagers, so the answers were always hella obvious and the characters were hella fanon 💀

I think I was on the internet when the scary maze thing was still a thing, but not as popular? Idk I didn't really care about it. But omg I didn't know what 2 girls and one cup was, and EVERYBODY was freaking out about it.

I looked all over YouTube until I could get a video more than 10 seconds long, and omfg I couldn't believe what my 11 year old eyes saw 💀💀💀 I didn't think it was real because NO WAY THEY WERE DOING THAT NASTY SHIT FR RIGHT???

Unfortunately it probably is real 😰

AND YES THOSE HOT AMVS AND FANART SOLD MEEEEEE

I really hated when people drew the original JTK's face onto normal or attractive stuff. It just killed the vibe for me fam :/

You know, there was always this one song and this one 'JTK tribute' video that I loved watching. It was just those picture slideshow videos, but it had the Super Crazy Psycho Love by Simon Curtis or something.

There was this one specific photo of Jeff with no shirt on. He had abs and was in a pool of blood.

... I was obessed with it. I loved it. I NEEDED IT.

I wasn't even into Jeff though? Like, my mans were LJ and Toby! Maybe Eyeless Jack or the painter guy every now and then, but those two were my favorites.

I vividly remmeber not wanting to be like those crazy Jeff stans and stuck to my own space. Idk why younger me wanted to be different so bad, but yk what good for me for not wanting to be into ultra toxic men.

Not me now though 😎

Idk why its it's such an iconic staple to my childhood and it's honestly a little embarrassing to talk about irl 😭

And yeah, the Jeff story is super flawed. I always thought it was stupid. I watched John Wolf buy and read a bad fanfiction book about Jeff and an OC. My personal taste and John's hatred for him was probably was why I didn't like Jeff in that way 😭

If you dont know who John Wolf is, he's a gaming youtuber :)

I too need to watch marble Hornets. In my pasta phase, I didnt really know them, but I just went along with it. Fanon hoodie was shy and nice, while fanon Masky was mature and calm.

Out of the two, I liked Hoodie more than Masky.

Toby is still my #1

I think it's because I used to tick most of the time when I was younger because my anxiety was so severe, and he was really friendly and loud about everything (I still tick, but not nearly as much thank god. That shit hurt fr)

I also heard they're still uploading? Just little snippets and short videos. It still sounds cool though.

AND OMG YES DROP THAT MF LINK. I didnt listen to Linkin Park, but I did listen to Melanie a whole lot!

#renpy anon #ur so amazing #I LOVE PEOPLE WHO ALSO HAD A PASTA PHASE #The internet kicked our asses #and this was our prize #doing more inernet nonsense #but in a good way this time #Say that u want me #everyday want u want me #every way that u want #me #got me trippping #SUPER PSYCHO LOVE

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petitelepus · 2 years

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hii may i request a twst matchup pls?

i’m an INTJ 5w6 who desperately needs therapy. i’m quiet, withdrawn, have a rather cynical demeanor, and super snarky. so uh not the most approachable or open person out there. also anxious with strangers. but i’m extremely chaotic with my friends and i won’t hesitate to pull a deez nuts or ur mom on you. i’m a nerd at heart and i’ll tell you fun facts that can range from useful to questionable. my friends tell me i’m smart and insightful tho so it’s working

i’m patient af so i rarely get angry but even if i do i’ve also mastered the art of stoicism so you’ll never know. but i am rather passive aggressive. whenever i do smth (e.g study, draw, playing video games) i just. forget to exist. like i’m so immersed that i lose track of time and someone needs snap me out of it. but i’ll get pissed about losing focus bcs i’m a perfectionist who’s way too hard on herself

i do pre-med so my interests mainly revolve around science but i love history, arts, and literature too. i draw a lot (of fanart that i post anonymously so nobody will know i draw anime characters). i enjoy gaming and frequently indulge in my weeb hobbies. i play piano too so that’s cool

i hope you have a great day/night!

I match you with Cater Diamond!

You may have trouble finding people who are similar to you, but aren't the small opposites that fulfill each others' needs and wants? You and Cater might at first seem like sun and moon, but you have more in common than you both at first let on.

Cater finds your quiet and withdrawn exterior cute and isn't one bit put off by your snarky or cynical attitude. He doesn't judge the book by its covers and he has seen your brighter personality when you were out there being happy and outspoken with your close friends. So he knows you can be more like the sun rather than the moon.

Yes, he is a stranger to you at first, and possibly extremely annoying with his happy attitude, but he talks to you calmly and his compliments to you are genuine so you can't stay too mean and start warming up to him.

When you finally think of him as your friend, Cater gets to see how funny and exciting you can be. Your facts are super interesting and random, like, you really know all that stuff and didn't look them up with your phone just now? You also seem to always have answers to everyone's questions, no matter how trivial they might be. Wow! You're really smart!

Your patience is your virtue. It can be hectic around Nigth Raven College so for there to be someone that can see things clearly in the middle of chaos feels like a blessing.

Cater knows he has a way with words so if you get passive-aggressive he knows how to defuse the situation so no one's feelings or such are hurt.

This doesn't occur often though thanks to your great patience, but you are a force to be feared if you get interrupted when you have something in your hands that is important to you.

Yes, the first years interrupted your game, did you have it saved? No? Then would you mind showing Cater how to play it? He has heard and read reviews about it on the internet and so far it had gotten at least 4 stars out of 5!

The young man also knows and understands how you can be hard and critical of yourself and he tries to help you ease up and relax. Kinda like what Riddle, his friend went through.

He also can't help but admire your dedication to getting to medical school. It's a huge amount of work to get there and to be there, but what you do then is important work.

Cater doesn't like studying things that he won't probably use at any point in his life, but you make science seem a little more interesting than it actually is. The same goes for history and other stuff like that.

Cater is well aware of your passion for anime and such, but when he learns that you play piano, he IMMEDIATELY insisted that you apply and join his, Lilia's, and Kalim's Light Music Club, aka Pop Music Club. They are running low on members and they could use a piano player.

Since it would be just you guys, you could also probably play some cool anime openings or game music. But more than that, the two of you could spend more time with each other if you were in the same club! You know, like couples do?

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland matchup #matchup #cater diamond #anon #Sorry for long wait!#I love Cater #He would be so cool friend #ENJOY!

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my-simp-land · 3 years

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You Cheeky Slink

Bucky comes to you in the night to tell you about his latest google dive and maybe something more. Bucky x reader fluff. 1508 words. This is highkey self indulgent so get ready to read the fantasy thats been living in my head lately. Thanks :))

“Doll?”

Bucky stands at my door with just his head stuck into my room.

“Bucky, what are you doing? Where’s your shirt? You’re going to catch a cold wandering around with no clothes on,” I mumble from my pillow and plushie covered bed.

He smirks. He always does that smirk when he’s about to give some smartass response. That stupid lopsided smirk with he petal pink lips surrounded by the beard he’s been growing out. It’s kinda gangly but in a good way.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to come in then, so I don’t catch a cold in this freezing hallway. You know, you don't actually catch colds from being co-”

You had to stop the groan from falling past your lips. “Buck, love you and all, but now isn't the time to drop some of your newly found knowledge on me. It's...what time is it? Bucky, it is past midnight. Please tell me why you’re in my room at 12:38 a.m. talking about colds.”

Peter and I have been teaching Bucky how to use the internet and his phone, and We introduced him to Google a few days ago. Ever since then, he’s been catching himself up on most of what has happened in the last 70s years. It’s really heartwarming to see his interest in aerial technology and space exploration. We’re all glad that Bucky is adjusting well, but he’s been bombarding us all with random knowledge he’s found on the internet.

“Well, in all fairness, you were the one that invited me in, angel. I’m just doing what you said.” The smirk again. It’s too dark now that he's standing in my dark room, but I know the smirk. It bleeds into his voice. It makes him sound more...confident. Or cocky. “But dollface, we’ve explored more of space than we have the ocean. We don’t know what all is living in the deep parts of our ocean, but we know that you’ll get spaghettified if you go into a black hole. Some people think black holes are portals and some think they’re dying stars.”

“Wait, what? Buck, where are you getting your info?”

“Google, of course. Can I sit?”

“Sure.” The heavy weight of a giant man and his absurdly heavy metal arm rests on the corner of my bed. He almost seems hesitant to sit. I can immediately feel his warmth through the blanket. Despite me keeping my area freezing, Bucky always stays warm. “But Bucky, you went to a site to read these things. You used google but from there, what did you do?”

I can hear the wheels turning in his head. “Uh...the interesting looking ones?”

“You can’t believe everything you read on the internet, Buck. Anyone can put whatever they want out there. When you’re doing this research you’ve got to use reliable sources.”

“Reliable sources? Can I lean against the wall and stretch my legs?”

“Sure. Friday will help you with that, but Peter and I, and even Dr. Banner could help explain that to you in more detail tomorrow at a reasonable hour.”

Bucky shuffles his way across my bed to rest against the wall. He’s cautious of my legs as he makes his journey. It’s almost like he goes into assassin mode. Even though I know he’s moving, he tries his best not to disturb me.

“Well, did you know the footstep on the moon will likely stay there for at least 100 million years? There’s no wind on the moon, so it can’t be blown away. And did you know space is completely silent? There’s no air, so the sound waves have nothing to travel through so no sound.”

Bucky carries on with his space talk. Not long after we became friends, he shared that as a child he was interested in planes. He wanted to be a pilot growing up. That quickly became an awkward conversation. Now, Bucky is learning to fly with Sam, but once he learned our travels expanded into space, his dreams were out of this world. Bucky would start his google dives asking about some random thing, but without a doubt, he would end up on space exploration. Peter and I want to see how he’d do in a Wikipedia race. Peter thinks he would be amazing at it, but I know he’d get carried away and go down his own rabbit hole.

“Doll, Neptune has storms big enough to swallow the entire Earth! Can I get under the blankets?”

I hummed my approval and rolled over. Bucky’s voice is deep and raspy, and something about it can lull me to sleep. Usually I can’t sleep with any noise but Bucky is different. He could probably do audiobooks. Steve’s school videos and Bucky’s audiobooks. That’s quite a pair.

Bucky carries on with his space dump until I ask him. “Bucky, Russia got a satellite in space first. Sputnik. Would you have had anything to do about it? Idk. That might be a rough question but…”

He thinks, and he thinks hard. I can imagine his brows would come together, and he would bite at the right side of his lower lip. His Neptune blue eyes would move like he’s reading words off an invisible piece of paper laid before him. He would usually run his fingers through his hair, but Sam mentioned hair loss and that made Buck a little self conscious. I told him not to worry, but I’ll catch him catching himself.

“I’m not sure, angel. I don’t remember anything being about space, but maybe i just didn’t know it was about the space race. That is bizarre though. I was around when we made it to the moon, but I wasn’t. Can I get under the blankets?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Buck starts to talk again as he pulls the blankets over himself. He worms his legs undermine. “Bucky, get your popsicle legs off me. Go put those things on Steve.”

He lets out a small laugh before he continues his ted talk of everything. Bucky has been taken with space, but he’s interested in cooking too. He loves to sit and watch The Great British Bake-Off or MasterChef or Top Chef. It was quite sweet and funny when he tried to recreate one of the meat pies from season two of TGBBO. He was so confident, and his bottom was so soggy.

“We should grow a fruit salad tree. We’ve got to do something to a fruit tree, but we’d be able to make it grow up to 6 fruits! You could have peaches, Steve gets apples, Sam gets...I don’t know, and I get plums. We’d have to think of something for Pete. But imagine it, a huge fruit salad tree orchard behind the compound!”

“If it’s an orchard, why don’t we just plant a whole bunch of different trees?”

“Bragging rights. Can I lean on these pillows? I’m just gonna lean here.”

“Sure Buckbeak.”

“Hmph. Us having a fruit salad tree would be like the animals in Harry Potter.”

“Yeah?”

Bucky carries on, but his closeness and warmth are enough to lull me to sleep.

I woke up not too much later. Bucky has slowly made his way to fully laying between me and my pillow mountain. He’s pulled me in close to him and nuzzles his face into my neck. He somehow got his arms fully around me with my noticing. Our legs are intertwined, and thankfully, Bucky’s feet have warmed up. I can hear his heart beat in this position. Despite the torture and darkness he’s witness, his heart still beats like a young bird’s wings. His body and mind is old, but his heart is young. A young man from the 40s thrust into the 21st century. It is a cruel fate, but I know Bucky is strong enough to carry this burden. A heart is a heavy burden to carry.

I wake with the sun; a curious beam has made its way directly into my eyes. I go to grab a pillow to cover my face, but I seem to be in the death grip of a certain super soldier. I’m able to shimmy my way around to look at him. He looks at peace. Bucky always carries his anxieties and burdens, but in this moment, he looks youthful. He isn’t a super soldier who lost himself for 70 years. He isn’t a man who is widely hated and has to redeem himself. He isn’t a man with blood on his hands. He’s just Bucky; a great guy that will hold you when you cry or share a big bellied laugh with you.

“See something you like, dollface?”

“You slithered your slinky way into my bed.”

“No, no, no. You invited me in, so I wouldn't catch a cold. I just made myself not cold.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. You were obviously the best solution, cuddle bug. Your heart is so full of love and compassion that it’s gone hot.”

“You’re a big sap.”

“Only for my best girl.”

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #fatws bucky #bucky fic #bucky x you #bucky imagine #marvel #sebastian stan #fluff #fanfic #bucky barns fanfiction

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youuuimeanmee · 3 years

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My SNK 139 Thoughts: Mikasa and Eren

This is my 2nd post about it. The first one is here.

First off, I wanna say something. What Mikasa sees in ch 138 is not her delusion/hallucination. It is not an alternate timeline either

It's Eren's planted memory. Or Eren's message, whatever you call it. Just like Armin's.

I mean, if Eren could talk to Armin while showing him lava, glacier and sea, why not a peaceful house in the forest with Mikasa? It answers how she was able to figure out Eren's location; because he told her so.

Funny how I used to not ship Eremika because Eren's gestures have always been too subtle, but now I'm kinda shipping it? Kinda amazes me how some of Eremika's analyses are actually right. I feel like I did him dirty when I said his decision to live with her is similar to Armin's wish to sleep 2 days straight; it's not that shallow at all. I remember a post where it says Eren will fucking elope with her if she just said so, and I just laughed at that. Now that his feeling is confirmed, I laugh at how unironic it was.

But, my God. Did Eren really use the last minutes of his life playing house with her, while trying not to hint anything that he loves her back??? I mean, look.

He's desperate to act like a good husband ffs, it's just sad. He also begs Mikasa to forget about him and live a happy life, yet, he still doesn't have the heart to tell her she should move on with another man.

Ahhh tragedy at its finest. I love it so much.

People tend to bring out their true nature when they're close to their death. Eren is no exception when he's with Armin. But with Mikasa, he loves her too much that he keeps pretending. Until the end, Eren did not apologize for saying that he hated her. Until the end, he's trying to make it easier for Mikasa to let him go. I'm kinda salty about that (girl deserves to know how much he loves her), but hey, at least Mikasa seemed to understand him anyway.

I'm not too mad when Mikasa decided to separate herself from the others? I agree it seems like she's not being able to let go of Eren, but in the first place, her decision to join the SC was only to protect him?

And her decision to stop Eren is because she wanted him to not add any more sins than he already has; she wants to be there with him.

To put it nicely, she is consistent. To put it badly, she's undeveloped. But I think she is developed enough for being able to separate from Eren and chose Armin's side to protect the world; she's developed enough to choose her future path for herself. I remember Isayama's interview from 2016; it's what makes me able to let go of my disappointment over her character.

"Mikasa’s growth probably involves separation from Eren. By separation, I mean she might be able to return to that ordinary girl that she used to be in childhood. I read some interesting thoughts from readers on the internet. People would say male mangaka have a tendency to reject the notion of “fate.“ On the contrary, female mangaka draw works that approve “fate.” You meet your Mr./Ms. Right, you say “This is fate!”, and you accept that the trajectory of your life is already predestined. People who interfere with that and seem to affect your serene life are portrayed as villains. Of course, I am not speaking of all mangaka, but with my mentality as a male mangaka, I think it is pitiful if Mikasa’s life is only about staying together with Eren. However to Mikasa, it is a wonderful thing to be with Eren forever. Combining what I’ve said, if I were to draw the separation of Eren and Mikasa, I feel like my portrayal likely won’t be satisfactory for readers, because Mikasa would have to endure the strain of being stuck between Eren and Armin. Even though she can sympathize with Armin, who considers things from a “globalism” perspective, it’s possible that she can’t just let the more self-focused Eren go."

So, this is what Isayama came up with: the middle ground. Mikasa is able to break free from the strain of choosing between Eren and Armin's side; by protecting the world, stopping Eren, while also staying close by his side. She couldn't join Historia and the Jeagerist because their ideal doesn't match with her. She couldn't become Paradis' ambassador like Armin and the rest either, because they're supposed to be the faction that doesn't condone Eren's action. So this is what she chose: Retire, and live in peace.

I would like to think that Mikasa does return to her little girl self. I want to believe that she's not living in complete solitude. She's moving on with her life, she just happens to be in that grave because she wants to inform Eren that his friends will be back from overseas soon.

But for real, BirdEren wrapping the scarf around Mikasa's neck is borderline beautiful and hilarious. I don't know how I feel about this 😂

I know it's meant to be a symbol of Eren fulfilling his promise, but I hope Mikasa's future love interest doesn't get attacked by hordes of birds lmao. I hope this is Eren's final message that it's okay for her to move on with another man, because now he knows she will always love him no matter what.

Aside from that last 2 pages, I'm satisfied with Mikasa's journey.

#shingeki no kyojin #snk #attack on titan #aot #snk spoilers #aot spoilers #snk manga #snk manga spoilers #aot manga #aot manga spoilers #snk 139 #aot 139 #eremika #mikasa ackerman #eren yeager #might write part 3 for armin and the rest of the gang later

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mandareeboo · 3 years

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SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not.

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me.

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky.

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster.

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs!

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly.

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong.

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

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