I’ll find you again my love. 💔

You deserve love with no trauma attached to it

I met my younger self last evening, in my old diaries. She and I have this wonderful habit of writing things down, we've written our worries, sadness, joy, and achievements. Last to last winter I got into the habit of maintaining a gratitude journal; I used to write my goals and one good thing that happened to me that day. The last entry was on the 5th of April 2021, right before my mom fell sick. I thought that would have been the last entry, but I flipped through the pages and saw the next one- 14th June. I paused. I didn't know I held that kind of courage to walk back into a life where everything kept falling apart. I didn't know I had it in me to find my way back within one month of losing her. And no, I'm not glorifying it- I always considered myself too weak, gave lame excuses on how I couldn't do something but that one entry held so much truth. At that moment, all I wanted to do was to hug my younger self, apologize to her and tell her how proud of her I was.

Year 28 ✨👑 Happy Birthday to me! Thanking God for allowing me to see another year of life. Year 27 almost took me out. It was the hardest year of my life. I had to fight every day to stay here and not let depression win. Losing my mother shattered my entire world and broke me into pieces. The old version of NiEsha died right along with her. Ever since then I’ve been trying to figure out who this version of NiEsha is. Although, year 27 was hard for me it also taught me a lot and made me turn more to God even though I was angry at him and didn’t understand why my life was going like it was. I am truly happy and blessed to still be here alive and glad I didn’t let the dark times win. I thank God for giving me another chance at life. Forever missing you mama and I’m going to continue making you proud. Love you! This journey isn’t easy, but I know I’m needed and loved. Cheers to another year of life and continuous healing and evol

“Nostalgia and grief are more alike than you realise. Nostalgia reminds you of a memory, something that could never be again. But it’s happy, hopeful. Grief, too, reminds you of something that could never be again. But it does so with melancholy. With longing, and mourning. With time, we all learn how to turn the grief to nostalgia. And no matter how impossible it seems, you'll be able to do it too.” Neither of us said anything after that. We walked in silence, but her words echoed through my mind. We all learn how to turn the grief to nostalgia. Someday, you'll be able to do it too.

and i will wait until i can

You left too soon. I am not done with the love I have had for you yet.

I haven’t been the same since you died

And in the quiet I feel it. Between the loudness of the day that drowns my grief are moments of unbearable silence. I remember that you are gone. I’m on my own now, nobody to protect me from this world anymore.

And the panic rises. The fear of facing life alone. So I submerge myself into the chaos once more, in hopes of eluding it. Time to cook dinner. One more patient to see. Take the kids to school. Not now, Grief. Not now.

eu odeio estar aqui sem você. pq você se foi sem mim? como eu devo viver sem você? já se passaram 2 anos e eu não consigo mais voltar a ser feliz, penso em você todos os dias e não consigo suportar essa dor e a falta que você faz.

I miss looking into your eyes and hearing all the things your mouth failed to speak out loud. I miss you something awful. 🥺

processing grief

I am time's victim

It escapes me similar to how water does when I reach for it

It quickly glides through my fingers as I desperately try to hold onto my memories of you

Attempting to preserve the memory of us

Attempting to keep you alive somewhere inside my mind

I am time’s victim, you see

Because I sense it slipping away from me, slowly and merciless

I can’t recall the warmth behind your dark yet comforting eyes

Or the tenderness of your lips when they grazed my skin

I can’t relive how it felt to lay in your hold

And oh how I detest that I can’t remember the sweet melody that was once your voice

Because time has deceived me

I therefore lie in bed fearful of what my future may hold

I'm terrified that your existence won’t live in my mind anymore

And yet again, I’ll find myself the victim of time and its heinous crime

When someone asks me what my biggest fear is, I’ll sigh and say forgetting you

I hope that eternity is kinder to you than time.