generally i am not a very problematic queer person because i tend to live and let live when it comes to things (being on the receiving end of ace discourse + actually examining respectability politics + realizing that things don't fucking matter in real life really puts things into perspective lmao i'm not worried about kicking people out of the club for not like. idk. following absurd playground rules.) and therefore i do not talk about things much online HOWEVER. i think i could Become a very problematic queer person if i talked more about queer stuff online because letting people go about their lives is a VERY radical stance to take on the internet. wait until you hear how chill i am about gender and word use. i could be the controversy

Hi I’m a bit embarrassed to say this lol, that’s why I’m anonymous. Can you please write headcanons for Bi Han, Liu Lang, Geras, Tomas and Raiden with someone who uh, really really likes to suck their cockk 🫣

😳

i sure as hell can anon🫦

explicit content under the cut

Sub-Zero

knowing bi han stubborn ass he's gonna claim it gets in the way whenever you ask more often than not, but as soon as he picks up on your fixation...you can literally do no wrong

most times he takes control, other times the dome is so overwhelmingly good he grunts constantly and gets lightheaded, but don't tell nobody 🤫

you'd be surprised with the amount of praise he gives you. it would even go to point of him noticing differences and similarities between present and past with how skilled you were. leave it up to him to make everything into fighting terms (he doesn't know how to express his emotions give him a moment😹)

Liu Kang

at a loss for words tbh. he knew you loved getting intimate with him but specifically giving him oral caught him off guard. this is only bc he's used to being dominant and making sure your pleasure comes first that he's like woah, you're quite eager there 😲

he wouldn't be one to deny you though. in a way he's still prioritizing your pleasure since you are indeed receiving it from giving him head, and was not one to ever complain!

he's not one to have or show his ego, but damn, the lewd sounds that come from your mouth and the sight of you clearly enjoying yourself does make him feel like the luckiest god there is. to have you all to himself in this portion of his lifetime is the absolute highlight and he'll never forget it

Geras

ik geras isn't some giant monster man but he absolutely has a giant monster co-

you can barely even reach past the middle, and you want to keep doing that? okay, he thinks, by all means do what makes you both happy in the end

secretly worried for your jaws and sometimes your throat. he's gonna keep asking if you're okay and would prob be very confused/concerned if tears started falling from trying to take all of him. you gotta explain it's all part of the process and you enjoy it. he might not ever understand everything about mortals, but he sure loves the pleasure while he learns

Smoke

i 1000% believe that tomas is super sensitive around his dick. like, regular sex is already one thing. but...superb head from you? he MIGHT just die

theoretically speaking you wouldn't be able to pin him down while you suck him off but a girl can dream, let's throw logic out the window real quick. he'd lose his fucking mind and start muttering praises in czech

he does prefer to pleasure you BUT who would he be to say no to you?? he gets bomb head on a regular basis and a hot partner to do it. he wouldn't even have time to ask you for it because you keep telling him you will/you want to. if you really bout it, you'll discover he'd definitely be into getting oral in a secluded public space like the bathroom or training room

Raiden

like i always say, he may come off as a shy cutie (which he is) BUT when that dark side comes out it's over

i feel like he's a switch. so, whenever you ask if you can do a lil vacuum action it always starts the same way, but never ends the same way

it starts with him shyly agreeing letting you do your thing then bam, he either starts pushing your head down more and makes you go at the pace he wants OR you're just too good and make him squirm, buck, whine, and tremble. it's always a gamble but hey, i like these odds, don't you? you two equally go back and forth with pleasuring each other and he even worries he'd get selfish but like who cares mf im tryna hear you 😮‍💨

hi bia, I want to know your opinion re eddie cheating and latino culture/catholicism. I feel like in many ways a man cheating is something so normal in latin families (idk how this applies for latin people in the us but it's definitely a thing when living in latin america) and that's something that doesn't cause as much struggle with catholicism and "sin", as being queer does. I find it interesting how of course there's a loss that eddie thinks may happen if he cuts that last link to his religion connected to latino culture by coming out/coming to terms with his sexuality, that just doesn't seem to happen with other "sins"... idk if you've watched Brooklyn 99, but in there there's a Latina that comes out as bi to her parents and in the scene they basically tell her they'd rather she was dating someone married than admit that she was queer, and I feel like that's it, even tho I'm not sure eddie is aware of, he's falling into this (i believe) specific latino man stereotype where it's okay to do a lot of bad things, things maybe not accepted by the religion but unfortunately accepted by the culture, as long as you DON'T do the worst thing ever, which is being queer... idk if this makes sense lol, maybe it's not a thing lol, you dont have to post it I just dont have any other latino people i follow that may understand it, sorry

god, yeah, it's totally a thing. i grew up in texas but i was born and now live in latin america and this is so, so true. there are sins men are allowed to commit in latino communities because the sins are still "masculine". cheating on your girlfriend (they're not even married) is nothing. who cares. it still aligns with the misogyny that runs so rampant in latino culture. eddie sleeps with multiple women even though he has a girlfriend? oh, she wasn't enough him. she wasn't doing her job to keep him satisfied. it's a moral failing on her part, not his. and eddie's not that kind of guy, we know that, but this is all he learned growing up. it's very, very easy to fall back on the excuses you've heard a dozen times even when you know it's cruel. eddie dates two women at once and doesn't tell either of them? he's a firefighter, he's a single father, his life is stressful enough. let him have two women so when one gets high maintenance and irritating he can go to the other.

this is real! this is so real! it's so fucked up!

eddie breaks up with both marisol and not-shannon and gets with buck, though?

that'd be a problem. i have no doubt in mind eddie grew up hearing gay as an insult and faggot thrown around casually because homophobia is casual, not only in latino communities, but in the american south in general. he saw the way men who cheated would show up to mass with their wife against their side. her eyes were always so heartbroken, but that's something he's allowed. it's his right as a man. how can you fault his nature?

queerness is wrong, though. it's an abomination. you can't even confess to your sins because the church won't let you inside anymore. eddie can feel guilty for cheating on marisol all he wants, but guilt over something he's allowed is still better than bone deep shame over something he has not control over being.

and eddie's gonna hate himself for it! he's done so much to unlearn the worst parts of machismo, the parts that hurt him the most as a child, but god is it easy to fall back on when you need an excuse. his dad was absent most of his life growing up, but that's okay because he was providing. men don't sin for no reason. their wife isn't enough, they need to provide for their kids, their kids are a little too queer and need fixing. a heavy hand is better than an eternity in hell.

it's so complex. it's such a complicated relationship with himself, with religion, with being latino. god can judge him but how will he handle the judgment from his family. the church can hate him all they want but how is he supposed to handle the side eyes and whispers when he shows up to his high school friend's wedding and there's no plus one because it's either show up single or show up with a man.

men are allowed sin. men are allowed moral failing.

men are not allowed queerness.

and as much as eddie has been doing so much good work to unlearn that, the nasty, nails in your skin part of growing up latino are just as impossible to shed as the skin that covers your bones.

(also, yes, i did watch b99 and i remember that!)

Introjects, Sex, and Gender

I'm gonna preface this with the understanding that I'm not a really well spoken guy, and I don't typically talk about this sorta thing. I just wanna get it off my chest, and I know we've got this blog to help others figure shit out too, so.

Hey there -- I'm an introject of a character from a book series, and today, I wanna talk about sex and gender and how that's a goddamn minefield of emotions.

For starters: my source is... okay, so he's not homophobic, let's give him more credit than that. He's fine with gay guys. He's just got some daddy issues, y'know? His dad is gay, and it took him a real long time to come to terms with his dad abandoning his family and career cause of everything.

I came into this system with a lot of that baggage, but suddenly, none of it was true. I was able to start figuring myself out. And myself was now a dude with tits, a vagina, and a libido the size of Texas.

Now, I don't have as much issues with the body as you might think. I look in the mirror and I go, "What a hot chick." That's cause I don't really see this as my body yet -- it's her body, it's the body. Not my body. I've been working on that, but it's hard. Regardless, I've definitely had fun experimenting with my body, even if it don't feel like mine.

What's been less fun has been discovering I'm bisexual, and maybe even some weird gender fuckery?

My partner is AFAB. It's nice, cause that aligns to what I know and, Ill be real, when I first came around, I just kinda saw them as Girl-Lite. I don't anymore, I get their gender now, but I didn't have to confront shit immediately when I met them. But we also have the resident horn dog, Curtis, and his husband, Numb. And, well, Numb instantly fell hard for me. I remind him of Curt a lot.

Issue being, I kinda liked Numb back. And Curtis is a great guy, and I couldn't say I wasn't interested.

Which made me fucking spiral. Hard.

Book-me never felt that way. Book-me never wanted to fuck another dude. SO why did I want to? What was wrong with me?

Secret was, nothing was wrong with me. I ain't him. I ain't from a book. I'm from a traumatized mind who saw this guy, this fantastic guy who could tackle everything, who learned to manage his anger and use it, to stay angry and be angry, and who gives a shit what others say -- that mind saw that guy and said we need him. And so I showed up, an approximation of a character.

Took me a real long time to come to terms with that.

To some degree, this is where source separation comes in. I had to acknowledge that I ain't book-me, and he isn't me. There's a lot of differences between us. I'm autistic, bisexual, and today I've even been real fucked up about gender and stuff. He's strong, sexy, and confident -- things I ain't been feeling lately.

Look, I know there's a lot I gotta learn (and I apologize if any of this is offensive). But it's been hard just getting this far. This far being, today I got fucked outta my mind by Curt, Numb, and my IRL partner, and god was it incredible. And I look back at where I started -- trying to push the other parts away cause ew, no, disgusting, that's not me-- and I realize how much of this ability to be who I am now is because of what I've now pushed aside and grown from.

At some point, y'all introjects out there gotta branch out. Maybe you do align to your source pretty closely, and I wish y'all the best of luck on that one, sounds pretty nice. But you don't get to decide that, not fully, till you start living as yourself. If I didn't let Numb and Curt in (and no, not sexually, but that too), I never woulda grown up a bit and been the guy I am. And the guy I am is gay and shit. Well, Bi, I still like girls, but you get the picture.

Not really sure where I"m going with this now, lol. I think I'll just leave that at that. If anyone relates, hell yeah, but if not, just leave it be as a personal thing I'm dealing with today.

the idea of joe and taylor both being bi is so comforting for some reason

Honestly right!!!!!!!

Idk, I like to think that Joe is like very comfortable in his sexuality and so if he helped her process her queer trauma in the industry, especially since he is in the industry too, it makes me feel so soft inside for some reason.

Like, there's no confirmation for this headcanon but I just like to think about her music about their relationship in this way. I feel like Joe is like such a contrast to Karlie in just his personality and demeanor and probably his desire to be private with their romance is just idk.

I love how she writes music about their relationship, it's so soft and vulnerable and happy. Like, there really isn't any drama in their relationship probably because of the really hard lessons she had to learn with her previous relationships, but especially Karlie + the squad in general.

Like, as a swiftie I viewed 1989 differently than the general public but to the public, it felt very like "mean" girl esque which led Taylor to kind of be friendlier to more people and just be like no everyone is in the squad !!!!!! And then like once 2016 happened, they were all Fairweather friends because it was about the clout for them more than anything as well.

But like then she goes out meets Joe and he doesn't care about the rumors and like it was such a contrast for her. And like what she has let us know about folklore, and August in particular, I feel like meeting Joe and dating him was so easy compared to Karlie. I feel like true, he's a man but also the unwillingness to be queer and/or being forced into the closet definitely played a role in it.

You have to keep in mind, Taylor came up before gays were acceptable in society. Like, the hiv crisis happened in the 80s and it was a fucking genocide. Do you think the 90s were progressive? Fuck no they weren't. Idk, yall, it's like I feel like she had to learn to be okay with her queerness in a way that many of us can't really understand or grasp, and it really shines through in her songs about closeting like dear reader or I know places or wonderland or false god especially.

So idk, if Joe is bisexual and he's a couple years younger than her so like idk I feel like he reads as a very confident in himself man and that might have given her the strength to come to terms with her queer related trauma especially.

And it's just really nice to think about their relationship in terms of that dynamic. And like, it adds depth to the songs, too, like sweet nothing or even the songs I mentioned earlier but long story short, labyrinth, etc etc.

When she speaks about Joe, she really lets it be known that his unwavering support of her has given her the ability to work through trauma. She says it in like "I'm just really happy now and so I write music" and the music is very sad because it's about her past trauma but like all the songs about him are like I understand why 12 is white on the midnight clock.

It's pure, their relationship. It's nice to have a friend as well. Anyways.

Like, she's happy and so like she wants to keep it that way and honestly I think she might be autistic as well so in that way, I totally get wanting to not share their more personal or unhappy moments. Like, it's different with a true love, you don't want to share your problems with other people because like they're not problems that make you unhappy you know? And she seems to be very number based as a human, to an insane level, and so like I feel like it's an easy experiment for her to draw a conclusion from. All her public relationships failed, her private one is lasting. So must make it last by being private.

When you find the person you're going to be with forever, fighting with them is different because there is a mutual understanding between the two of you that problems arise because of miscommunication. It's like your demons fighting each other when that happens and recognizing that, and having someone see the worst parts of you (not abuse, I am not talking about abuse here, I'm talking character flaws) and love you anyways that is so fucking life changing for someone who has never experienced that before.

That's really what she communicates to me about her relationship with Joe, that he loves her no matter what happens between the two of them and that's just so pure. Finding that type of friendship, of loyalty, that's so pure. That willingness to help each other be better, that is why I love lover so much because it was such a HAPPY album and it's clear that being with Joe has changed her for the better and it's made her be so fulfilled in life because she puts boundaries up now.

It makes me so soft, I love toe 🤧

The evolution of my pronouns/gender/sexuality

(I’m starting when I learned what the LGBTQ+ was so around 4th grade?)

She/Her - Female - Hetero

She/They - Demigirl - Bisexual

They/She - Demigirl - Pansexual

They/Them - GenderFluid - Omni

Any pronouns - GenderFluid- Pan

They/He - Transmasc - Bi

He/They - Transmasc - Asexual Neptunic

She/He/They - Pangender - Demisexual Omni

They/It/He/She - Pangender/Questioning - Demisexual

He/They/It - Transmasc - Demisexual MLM(?)

He/It - Transmasc - Abroromantic Ace-fluid

Any non-fem pronouns - Transmasc - Ace-spec Aro-spec abro(?)

Mirror Pronouns - Transmasc (?????) - Demisexual Omni(??)

CONTENT WARNING FOR THE REST OF THIS POST: OPEN DISCUSSION OF GENDER IDENTITY, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, AND SEXUAL ACTS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

I am now onto the reason for this post:

I’m having a crisisssss

Whoop de fucking do

Basically- I thought I preferred non-feminine pronouns??? Bc I would cringe when someone deadnamed me and called me a she, right???

But this kid at school called me my preferred name, referred to me as a she, and I didn’t even notice till she turned and asked if I used she/her pronouns—

AND THEN SOMEONE ELSE CAME UP AND REFERRED TO ME AS A HE AND SHE ASKED AGAIN BC SHE FELT BAD AND THE WORDS “Oh, I use all pronouns!” JUST ROLLED OUT OF MY MOUTH WITH NO THOUGHT BEHIND THEM???

And I was thinking about it and it’s like “well I mean he/him pronouns are cool but like idrc either way??”

WHICH SENT ME INTO A DIFFERENT HEADSPACE OF

“Does that mean I’m not transmasc bc I don’t really feel like a boy either??”

AND LIKE

I DONT EVEN KNOW

WHAT MY SEXUALITY IS AT THIS POINT

THE IDEA OF DATING ANYONE WHO IDENTIFIES AS FEMALE LEAVES ME FEELING SO UNCOMFY

I HAVE A NONBINARY PARTNER AND THEY MENTIONED AND I COULD CALL THEM MY GF AND I GOT THAT “I JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE GUT” FEELING.

Ok but real talk:

The idea of being called a female makes me dysphoric

The idea of having tits for the rest of my life and not getting top surgery makes me dysphoric

The idea of bottom surgery makes me dysphoric

Being called a male makes me dysphoric

But also the term nonbinary makes me feel uncomfortable?

Like am I just broken do I have a problem-

And on the sexuality aspect of things?

-I find men attractive physically and romantically

-I find nonbinary/genderqueer people attractive physically and romantically

-I find women attractive physically but I would never want to date one

But also I really don’t give a fuck about your assigned gender nor do I really care how you present yourself (men in skirts? Sign me the fuck up/hj), but the idea of dating someone who identifies as a female makes me so oddly uncomfortable?

And the idea of sex also makes me uncomfy in certain ways?

Like theoretical sex (smut, hentai, fanfics) are cool I suppose, but actual sex? God no. Please keep it at least 20 feet away from me at all times.

But also if I had partners who wanted to fuck each other while I was present? Go for it I guess?? Just don’t expect me to join, yknow?

The act itself doesn’t make me uncomfortable, the idea of being part of the act does.

Either way.

My best bet for my gender is either pangender, bigender, or genderfluid? (Open to more suggestions!!)

As for my sexuality?

I think I’ve established the point for myself that I’m asexual to a point, but the fictional retelling of it isn’t a problem? So greysexual? Recipro-asexual?

But the hard part is my romantic orientation-

Uranic is up there pretty close to the top of my possibilities list, but I feel I could still be abro possibly since femininity isn’t the thing I’m not attracted to, more whether or not the person is a female or not.

Im also not referring to whether or not someone has a pussy before you ask, more like “even if you have a dick, if you identify as a female, I want no part of that”

Anyways there’s my crisis, if you’ve read this far, go get a drink of water, you deserve it^^

god what the fuck

gods, ok, apparently i’m not done.

atla fandom? we need to have a chat.

(....ok that made me sound pretentious as fuck. and maybe i am, but this needs to be said, cause i’m getting....real, real tired of a Certain Corner of this fandom and as a result, this is gonna be a discourse-heavy post so feel free to scroll past if that’s not your bag. as always, my salt posts all carry the catch-all #salt for ts tag, which you’re free to blacklist/filter at your leisure. i’m Very Annoyed at the moment, which will probably come through in the following post, so just. yknow. be prepared for that. or ignore it, that’s perfectly valid too.)

under a cut bc i do care for my followers and their sanity i swear lmao

there’s a real serious issue in this fandom with not understanding what queer terminology actually means or implies, especially when applied to a fictional narrative.

i’m specifically talking about ‘coding’, here. (if i were in a more meme-y mood, i might have said ‘the atla fandom found out about the term “gay-coding” and haven’t shut up since’.)

to the people who say ‘zuko is gay-coded’, i have this to say: you keep using that word. i do not think it means what you think it means. because he isn’t. i’m sorry, but he’s not! and the fact that this is such a prevalent claim in this fandom is distressing, bc it says to me that none of y’all know what gay-coding is or when and how to apply it! please, i’m begging you, go and look up these terms and what they mean and when they should be used before actually trying to plug them into your critical analysis, because when you misuse them and then call other people delusional for disagreeing with you it casts a pall over the entire fandom and is, i think, the root of some of the worst toxicity this fandom has to offer.

and the thing is, there are cases where gay-coding would apply--for instance, a couple series that are famous for queerbaiting their audience by coding their main characters as being attracted to one another (sometimes even despite their openly stated sexualities) come to mind, but those shows bare no similarities at all to atla and how zuko was written and portrayed! (and it would be funny, if it weren’t so obnoxious and infuriatingly wide-spread throughout the fandom, because the only queer couple we actually seen on-screen in either show wasn’t even queer-coded in any respect, and they’re canonically bi! [yes, i’m shading korrasami, or more accurately i’m shading bryke for refusing to give ka the build-up and development they deserved].)

this absolutely isn’t to say that headcanoning zuko as gay is a bad thing or invalid in any respect. (although the tendency for zukka shippers to do this specifically to keep zuko away from katara and/or invalidate his canon relationship/attraction to girls is more than a little eyebrow raising. especially since sokka is usually allowed to be bi, bc fans have no problem letting sukka stay in the background bc it’s no real threat, while jetko shippers are happy to have both boys be bi. [possibly bc katara is less a threat to jetko bc jetkotara is every bit as valid as any single ship between the three, but zukka can’t exactly let katara join in, and if the potential exists for zuko to be attracted to her then canon giving them the far deeper emotional bond becomes a threat to zukka’s existence? idk for sure--you be the judge.]) i prefer to hc zuko as bi (and always have, long before the atla renaissance), bc i don’t think zuko being attracted to boys is outside the realm of possibility, and it isn’t a threat to my ship since zuko&katara had a deep and emotional bond in canon that is very easy to develop further into something that becomes explicitly romantic--but the headcanon itself isn’t really the problem (although what it’s often in service to can be).

it’s the strange insistence that this is the only way to read his character, bc he was coded that way and so anyone who doesn’t see it must be too straight to understand--and i really shouldn’t have to say why and how that is so incredibly fucking insulting. (the ‘hetero lenses’ comment wasn’t cute when it came from bryke six years ago, and the same sentiment being repackaged and delivered by zukka shippers ain’t cute now.)

calling zuko gay-coded not only demonstrates ignorance as to what the term actually means, and how to usefully apply it in critical analysis, but also validates the frankly bullshit insertion of institutionalized homophobia in the world of atla where it was neither needed, nor wanted, nor ever hinted at in canon. as a queer woman i’m still infuriated by one fucking comic panel shoving institutionalized and systemic homophobia into a world where it was entirely unnecessary (and doing this in the first installment of the franchise showcasing a queer relationship??? making korra and asami worried about ‘coming out’ when they could have just gone on to have cute adventures together and tell people ‘hey we’re dating’ and have everyone else be ‘that’s awesome =DDD’ [because it is, in fact, possible to just have a world without homophobia i promise!!!!!] double yikes, i’m still pissed at bryke about it), and i doubly hate that ‘zuko is gay coded’ has become so widespread that ‘ozai hates him bc he’s gay’ has become a staple in that part of the fandom.

not only does making zuko gay and implying (or outright stating) that ozai hated and abused him because of it completely undermine zuko’s character arc by making his abuse about his sexuality rather than ozai’s toxic pride and anger at seeing himself reflected in his ‘weak’ son, but it comes very close to outright stating that abuse and trauma are inherently gay experiences, and they aren’t!!! they really aren’t, i promise!!!

abuse and trauma narratives exist outside of ‘my dad hates me because i’m gay’. and, quite frankly, there are MORE THAN ENOUGH queer trauma narratives out in the world. we do not need to start trying to retroactively make them canon in a series where they didn’t exist! if you’re gay and see yourself in zuko and project your own experiences on him, that’s understandable and valid. that does not make zuko gay-coded. and honestly, the insistence that he is makes very little sense to me, because you’re essentially trying to give the show credit for work you put into interpreting the characters! why would you want to do that? why not own your own headcanons and take credit for them, rather than insisting they are canon and everyone else is wrong for not seeing them??? like, i’ve said before that i’ve always headcanoned zuko (and katara) as bi, and even support it with my interpretations of evidence from the show, but the difference between ‘i think zuko is bi’ and ‘zuko is definitely gay-coded’ is that i know that bi zuko is my interpretation of canon, and that it is work i’m putting into the show that wasn’t actually intended by the creators/writers, no matter how much sexual tension i read into the jetko swordfight.

and like, zuko’s character arc doesn’t actually parallel a queer one all that well to begin with. it’s easy enough to do the work and twist it sideways just enough to make the general points fit, but the fact is, zuko’s arc is not one of self-discovery. it’s not one of coming to understand something fundamental about himself that he can’t change, that he was hated for, and coming out to his father in a dramatic confrontation where he shows that he understands himself and doesn’t need his father’s acceptance to be fulfilled.

zuko’s arc is actually one of trauma and healing. and those can (and often are--like i said, there are more than enough queer trauma narratives in the world, atla really doesn’t need to be one of them) be part of queer narratives, for sure! but they aren’t uniquely queer. and zuko’s confrontation with ozai during the eclipse doesn’t read like a ‘coming out’ at all. (yes, i’ve seen that post. yes, i rolled my eyes and moved on, bc unlike some people, i’m capable of not clowning on correctly tagged posts i disagree with.) zuko is specifically confronting ozai over his abuse, because his arc wasn’t about discovering anything fundamental about himself (and therefore realizing that ozai was hating him for something he couldn’t change)--it was about realizing that he was not at fault for the way his father treated him. it was also about realizing that the fire nation was broken and corrupt at its core, and that his father was an aspect of that he needed to break away from so that he could help the world begin to heal.

he says it himself:

Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I've had to learn it on my own! Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.

making this about zuko being gay and rejecting ozai’s homophobia, rather than zuko learning fundamental truths about the world and about his home and about how there was something deeply wrong with his nation that needed to be fixed in order for the world to heal (and, no, ‘homophobia’ is not the answer to ‘what is wrong with the fire nation’, i’m still fucking pissed at bryke about that), misses the entire point of his character arc. this is the culmination of zuko realizing that he should never have had to earn his father’s love, because that should have been unconditional from the start. this is zuko realizing that he was not at fault for his father’s abuse--that speaking out of turn in a war meeting in no way justified fighting a duel with a child.

is that first realization (that a parent’s love should be unconditional, and if it isn’t, then that is the parent’s fault and not the child’s) something that queer kids in homophobic households/families can relate to? of course it is. but it’s also something that every other abused kid, straight kids and even queer kids who were abused for other reasons before they even knew they were anything other than cishet, can relate to as well. in that respect, it is not a uniquely queer experience, nor is it a uniquely queer story, and zuko not being attracted to girls (which is what a lot of it seems to boil down to, at the end of the day--cutting down zuko’s potential ships so that only zukka and a few far more niche ships are left standing) is not necessary to his character arc. nor does it particularly make sense.

(and before anyone brings up his date with jin--a) he enjoyed it when she kissed him, and b) he was a traumatized, abused child going out on a first date. of course he was fucking awkward. have you ever met a teenage boy????)

anyway, uh, that was a lot of words, so have a tl;dr: zuko is not gay-coded. there is nothing uniquely gay (or even uniquely queer) about his character arc or characterization, and he was certainly not coded gay in an attempt to sneak a queer character past the censors. if anyone involved with atla was gonna try that, it would’ve been in lok, and as established, they didn’t even manage to queer-code the actual queer relationship before the last few minutes of the final episode. headcanoning zuko as gay is absolutely fine (though if it’s only done to keep him away from female characters he may otherwise be attracted to, that smells more like misogyny than anything else), but insisting that this reading is the only one that makes sense, and anyone who doesn’t agree must be straight (hello, queer woman here making this insanely long thinkpiece) is very much not.

ship what you like, but stop trying to invalidate other ships and other interpretations of characters just to make your ship seem more plausible. it’s really not a good look.

The Package - Harry Holland

Harry || Main || Taglist

Requested? Nah 1,583 words Heavily inspired by Key and Peele.

* * * *

Harry was in his office bored out of his mind. He was sipping around in his office chair while throwing his stress ball up in the air and catching it repeatedly. The young CEO hated his job despite the multiple and grand benefits that came along with the job. He hated that his brothers Tom and Sam were allowed to decline the offer when their father asked them if they could take over the family business. Tom declined it because he wanted to focus more on the carpentry side of the business. Sam declined because it wasn’t his passion; he wanted to be a chef. But Harry was never asked about what he wanted. His father told him that he’s the heir of the company. With that being said, Harry hated it and he resented his brothers and father for it.

He loved them dearly, though. He knew that no one else would take over and Paddy was far too young to be a CEO. Harry just unwillingly took his fate as his father retired. Now that he’s seated on ‘the throne’, as everyone in the office called it, he felt powerful but at the same time he felt judged by the people who work for him because they were all older than him and most of them saw him and his brothers grow up. It was awkward.

Harry stopped spinning around his chair and heavily sighed before grabbing his phone to play games on it. There was nothing better to do and it was a slow day. All the shipments were done yesterday, all the forms were signed before lunch, no meetings until next month, and no new applicants to take up the job of being his assistant. His last assistant, Margaret, was his dad’s assistant. Harry loved Margaret like a family member, but she was too old, so he allowed her to retire.

The game on his phone started to become boring and with a sigh, he exited the game and went on Facebook to see anything new about the people he went to school with. He loved, for lack of better term, tea. He loved spilling tea and he loved being told tea. He and Sam bonded over it.

Just as Harry was reading a post about his former schoolmate being involved in a scandal with one of his former teachers, his office telephone rang. Without an assistant, Harry was forced to answer calls without knowing who it was on lines 1, 2, and 3.

“Hello, this is Harry Holland of Holland Industries. Who am I speaking to?” Harry asked. At this point, it was engraved in his mind now. He knew what to say and what not to say.

“Hi, Harry! This is Y/N Y/L/N. I’m calling from Master Travel Incorporated to tell you about an exciting limited-time offer, exclusive getaway to the Philippines. Can I have a few moments of your time to tell you about this new package?” Your tone of voice matched the exciting offer you asked, but it wasn’t enough to entice Harry. He didn’t even know where that pine place was.

“You know, Y/N, I would love to, but I just don’t have the time-”

Upon hearing that, you immediately hung up the phone. Harry stopped talking and looked at the phone with furrowed eyebrows.

“Huh, rude.” Harry muttered under his breath as he put the phone in its place. He grabbed his phone and continued reading about his schoolmate, but he couldn’t shake off the rude thing you just did. He sighed to himself and grabbed the phone, somehow directing the call to you, and waited for you to pick up.

Your telephone rang and you answered on the first ring, “This is Y/N Y/L/N, Master Travel Incorporated. How may I be of service?”

“Hi, Y/N Y/L/N. My name is Harry. I think we just spoke not too long ago.” Harry said as he fiddled with a pen that was on his desk. “Did we just get disconnected?”

“Um, yeah. I hung up on you.” You said blatantly.

Harry raised his eyebrows upon hearing your answer and asked, “Why? Like, why would you do that? Are you allowed to do that? Because that was rude, Y/N. I’ll tell you that.”

You sat back in your chair and twirled the cord of your headset around your finger with a smug look on your face. “Were you going to buy the Philippines package?”

“What? No! Don’t be daft. That’s not the point I was trying to make. What I’m saying is-”

You hung up on him again and Harry’s jaw dropped. He has never encountered someone so rude such as yourself. “What the fuck.” Harry said before calling you again.

“This is Y/N-”

“Yeah, Y/L/N. Listen. I don’t know why you’re being rude to me, but you don’t get to hang up-” Harry gasped as soon as you hung up again. “Oh my fucking god!” Harry shouted in annoyance. He knew it wasn’t worth it, but he was never disrespected like that in his life. So, he called again.

You answered the call immediately, “What the fuck do you want?”

“What’s your deal, huh?” Harry asked as his eyebrows knit in confusion and slight anger.

“Um, you don’t want the Philippines package,” You started. “So I don’t want to talk. I did us a favor instead of wasting our time.” You were about to end the call and somehow, Harry sensed that.

“Stop, stop! Don’t you dare end this call!” Harry raised his voice, not noticing the attention he drew to himself. Everyone looked at his office and as if it wasn’t enough, Tom and Sam went to visit him just to see how he was doing.

“What’s going on?” Tom asked Edith, the accountant,

“Harry is throwing a fit.” Edith answered before returning to do her job. Edith was a 50 year old woman and she’s so over the stage of being the one to calm a kid down when throwing a fit. Those years were behind her and she didn’t want to calm Harry down. If Harry wanted to throw a fit, she doesn’t care. She just wanted to get paid and get through the day like everyone else.

“He’s… too old for that.” Sam chuckled as he and Tom walked closer to his twin’s office.

Harry never noticed them standing by the doorframe, though.

“Why shouldn’t I?” You asked him.

“Why shouldn’t you?!” Harry shrieked. “What if I wanted the Philippines package?! You know what? I want the Philippines package!”

Tom furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he looked at Sam and Sam just shrugged. He didn’t know what was happening either.

There was silence between your line and Harry’s. After a few seconds, you broke the silence and said, “Sure, you do.” You hung up the phone once more before Harry could say anything else. This made Harry scream and throw the pen in frustration.

He stood up from his seat and yelled at the telephone, “You motherfucking bitch! I will give you a piece of my mind and you will feel my wrath!”

Neither Sam nor Tom wanted to stop. They wanted to see how it would go down.

Harry called again and this time, he put you on speaker. The phone rang and you answered on the first ring, “Come on, man. Let it go.”

“Fuck you! I WANT SIX FUCKING PACKAGES RIGHT NOW!! You know what- where’s my wallet?” Harry walked around the room to find his wallet as you sat back with a victorious smile on your face.

Harry found his wallet and pulled out his credit card. He quickly walked to where the telephone was and said, “I found my fucking credit card! Now put the details there, Y/L/N! My credit card number is 1185-6514-1109. The fucking expiration date is 12-22! And then the security number is 195! Run the fucking card right fucking now! Run it now, asshole!”

You held back your laughter as you punched in his details and when you were done, you simply said, “Thank you for your business.”

Harry took a deep breath and said, “I hope you learned your le-”

You hung up once more and that made Harry scream in anger. Sam walked further into the room and tapped Harry’s shoulder. Harry turned around and saw Sam, “Mate, stop it! Just stop calling or you’ll get even more pissed!”

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. He took a few calming breaths before looking up at Sam and finally noticing Tom who gave Harry a small wave which Harry returned.

“What was that, H?” Tom asked softly as he walked further into the office.

Harry looked at his brothers and calmly said, “Pack your things. We’re going to the Philippines for a family vacation. I just bought six packages for it.”

Bonus +

Your boss, Colin, went to your desk with a huge grin on his face. “Y/N, I don’t know how you do it, but you’ve made a ton of sales recently! I’m really proud of you for coming this far! Because of that-”

Colin turned to everyone and shouted, “Y/N is employee of the month! Let’s all leave an hour early and celebrate! It’s on me!”

Everyone cheered and congratulated you. Colin went back to his office and you smirked before calling your new ‘victim’.

* * * *

𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @thatforgottenangel @turtoix @givebuckyhisplumsnow @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @yourstrulyamour @euphorichxlland @thevelvetseries @buckymylove @more-like-reyna

𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐆𝐄��𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @holland-styles @trustfundparker @calltothewild @felicityparkers @hufflepuffprincess24 @tommysparker @justasmisunderstoodasloki @quaksonhehe @call-me-baby-gir1 @itstaskeen @theonly1outof-a-billion @lost-in-the-stars03 @justafangirlduh @piscesparker @speedymaximoff @miraclesoflove @lexirv @blairscott @getbywithasmile @pqrkerr @lavender-writer @blackbat2020 @hoodpankow @bi-lmg

If one more person says simon snow should lose his wings i’m gonna lose my goddamn mind: a meta

Alright you guys, I’ve had ENOUGH. Simon cannot lose his wings unless you want him to break up with Baz, and this is why.

Let’s start with Baz.

This analysis is obviously Simon-based, and yes i’ll get there, but first we need to look at the biggest key we’ve been given to what Simon’s wings could possibly mean subtextually and metaphorically for the story at large. That key is: Baz’s vampirism. 

Baz being a vampire is constantly compared to/mentioned in tandem with his queerness in Carry On. In his first chapters, what are the three most important traits that we learn about him? 

he’s a drama queen

he’s a vampire

he’s hopelessly in love with simon snow

If you boil his character down until he’s basically just a stick figure, that’s what he is: an over dramatic vampire in love with Simon Snow.

We’ve all read the books, we all know this, and we all know he’s much more than that. What of it?

What’s important is that Baz’s vampirism is treated almost the exact same as his homosexuality. 

Hiding it from everyone, being ashamed of it, knowing what you are but being terrified of it. His dad being “definitely more disappointed in my queerness than my undeadness.” 

I mean, holy shit, let’s look at this bit in Carry on from Chapter 51:

“I think if I got married, to a girl from a good family, my father wouldn’t even care that I’m queer. “

This scene really hits, because how many times have you wondered “What if I was straight? Maybe this thing wouldn’t be as bad?” “What if i was just a straight poc?” “What if I was only gay and not trans?” “What if I was only disabled and not gay on top of it?” What if, what if, what if. Would my life be easier? you wonder. Would I get hurt less? Would people treat me better?

If Carry On is about self-realization, then Wayward Son is about the struggle of self-acceptance. 

Baz going to Las Vegas and meeting Lamb probably seemed familiar for some of you people that are LGBT+. It’s how you feel when you’re from a small town and you go to a big city like New York or Orlando or LA for the first time and you see gay people all around you. Flamboyantly gay! Gay people holding hands! Gay people kissing! Trans people that don’t fit the gender norms! Older trans ladies just walking down the street!

It’s exciting, it’s exhilarating. Your baby-gay brain is so confused because no one’s giving them dirty looks. They don’t look nervous or ashamed. Is this allowed?

The party in the penthouse is glamorous and beautiful and alluring and none of the humans there are scared or look like they’re in real danger. It’s because they aren’t. None of those vampires are there to kill people. 

This is where Baz’s fear of his own nature comes in. Let’s hear it for all you homosexuals in the crowd that are/have been terrified of being predatory. Of turning the gender you’ve been told all of your life you’re not supposed to want into pieces of meat. You feel ashamed for wanting physical intimacy. You feel wrong for wanting emotional intimacy. 

Lamb is the older gay that you meet/learn about/watch on youtube or whatever that makes you learn that no, you’re not inherently evil. Lamb is the queer history, the queer movies, the queer people that you discover that make you learn that “no, i’m not bad. I’m not broken. I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful.” 

Baz thinking the sight of Lamb drinking that guy’s blood being alluring and beautiful is crucial to his arc. Baz needs to see that all of him is beautiful. 

So homosexuality = Baz being a vampire? How in the flying fuck does this have anything to do with Simon?

Remember, Baz is our key. His struggles have been happening since book one. Simon just gained his “creature” status at the end of Carry On. He’s new to this. Which means we’re new to the subtext. Which means: let’s dive on into the next big point.

Our Big Bisexual Boy

Whatever label you choose to use for Simon is up to you. As long as we all agree he likes more than one gender then it’s whatevs. I’m going to be using the word bisexual for this meta, though. 

We’re all well aware that Simon is Struggling with his bisexuality in this book. 

“I still haven’t sorted out whether I’m still attracted to women or whether I ever was, or whether I’m some kind of Baz-only-sexual. But the cleavage at this place is abundant, and I’m not mad about it.”

(taken from chapter 21) 

Like....... y’know. We know. It’s... we get it. 

The important part of that quote is that it’s at the Ren Faire. The Ren Faire is the first time Simon’s had his wings out in public since god-knows-when, if ever. This is also the first time he really considers kissing Baz in the book. Kissing Baz in Public.

Any of you that have been to Pride probably got a little bit of the warm fuzzies during this scene. The faire brought back such deep memories of my first pride it was a little bit emotional. I talked to random people, people ran around in rainbow outfits. There was body paint! Stupid hats! Weird dye jobs! The classic pride-flag-as-a-cape look! I talked to so many people and 

“Everyone here is so friendly.”

(also taken from chapter 21)

Everyone was so nice to me.

Baz feels right at home; Simon is all smiles. The only one not having a blast is Penny and she’s (I’m sorry, Penny) the token straight friend in these books. 

I don’t know how Rainbow did it, but she made me relive my first pride through Simon, and I’ll never not be grateful for that. 

“Today I’m someone else entirely. Today I’m just a bloke with fake red wings.”

The Pride/Ren Faire parallels were pretty obvious, but I wanna get a little further into the whole “wings = being bisexual” thing. 

We’ve established with Baz that being a magical creature or whatnot is Gay, but while Baz is fully magical, Simon’s “half-normal.” Kind of. It’s a weird situation there but half-normal works for the argument. 

“’Smells like dragon... but also smells like iron. Another abomination!’” 

(chapter 35)

Now the word “abomination” is really fucking unfortunate in this context, but biphobia exists so idk man. I’m gonna start talking in gay/straight terms and I absolutely know bisexuality isn’t half-gay half-straight but we’re talking in metaphors and i’ll tie it together at the end so just stick with me, okay?

He’s part dragon, part Normal (kind of). Simon’s not like Baz where he’s absolutely, 100% a vampire. He has traits of dragons and humans. This is why it’s so bad that he hates his wings half the time. They are part of him. They may not be “normal” and he may have to hide them, but he can’t just cut off the gay part. Our queerness doesn’t define us, but it’s a defining feature. 

Penny says she wouldn’t be her if she wasn’t a mage. Simon wouldn’t be Simon if he wasn’t bi. 

The mistake Simon and almost everyone else makes during this book is that they think of his wings as these separate entities. There is no gay part and straight part of Simon Snow. All of him is Simon. From the tips of his toes to the tops of his wings, all of him is Simon. He might’ve discovered this part of himself during a tragic point in his life, but that doesn’t mean it has to be something bad. It doesn’t have to be something tainted. 

Sometimes you discover things about yourself during the hardest moments of your life. When you’re already down in the dirt, beaten and bruised, sometimes a mirror is put in front of you and you realize something. You realize you’re trans. You realize you’re gay. And sometimes you resent those realizations because they came to you at the worst possible time. “This is just one more thing on my plate,” you think. 

This series is about reclaiming the things that where taken from you by the ones that hurt you. 

Simon’s going to have to learn to love his wings, because even though they remind him of something that hurts-- hurts more than anything-- they’re part of him. They are him, as much as the rest of his body is. Simon’s going to have to forgive himself, and learn to love himself for all that he is. 

Because all that he is is beautiful. 

We all know it; it’s time for him to understand that.

All right, bitches. Let’s get to the bit we all REALLY care about. this is the one that really fucks me up my dudes. Because it’s Brutal. But anyways here we go.

His wings are the Big Baz Love 

What are the two things that Simon’s  considering cutting off in this book?

“That’s what I’m going to say when I break up with Baz.”

“Dr. Wellbelove said he could remove the wings. And the tail. Whenever I’m ready.”

(Chapter 2, Epilogue)

Yikes!

My guys..... Simon and Baz don’t kiss unless Simon’s wings are out.

I truly do not understand how some of you are out here saying Simon’s gonna lose his wings I really don’t. It’s stressful. I’m stressed. Ms. Rainbow Rowell, you have me stressed. 

His Wings! Are! His Love!

On Love’s Light Wings!

Goatman dances his nasty little fingers all over the bridge that is Baz’s ass? Wings out, uses his tail to help kill the guy. Lamb is hitting on Baz too much? 

“’Spell my wings off.’”

(Chapter 45)

In the airport, when a lady is giving them the “don’t be gay” stink eye he immediately checks to make sure his tail is hidden. 

Baz can’t spell his wings off, guys. 

Baz can’t spell his wings away.

“’Snow needs you to cast your angel spell on him. I hid his wings for breakfast, but they’re still there.’“

(Chapter 19)

In Chapter 41, the biggest kiss scene we get, Simon wraps his wings around Baz to hold him. He’s embracing him in his love guys. Guys. 

Have you people noticed how i’m suddenly less articulate? It’s because i’m in crisis. Set me on fire I wouldn’t notice. I’ve been living with this terrible knowledge.

The first scene we finally see them kiss is after the scene at the Ren Faire when Simon’s wings are finally out and he finally got to fly.

“Simon catches up with me and traps me against the car. He’s kissing me before I see it coming.” 

Simon is so dtf in this scene Penny throws a water bottle at them, and it hits him in the wing. 

“’So hot,’ Simon Says. ‘Got to see you fight without picking a fight with you myself.’

Bunce throws a plastic bottle over my shoulder, and it smacks Simon in the wing.”

(Chapter 22)

She had to smack him right in the love for him to calm down, my dudes, my guys. Do you realize how hard it was for me to annotate this goddamn book with this knowledge? Every. Single. Time. Simon stretches a wing or flaps them around it’s about Baz. It gets to the point where you have to put the book down or you’re gonna explode. 

Simon’s wings are always out around Lamb. He’s jealous as hell and he hates that motherfucker’s guts. The only real injuries Simon sustains in this book are to his wings and they’re almost always when Baz gets hurt too. 

When did Simon get his wings? Only a day after he first kissed Baz.

Simon’s love for Baz is so big and so obnoxious he can’t hide it. His wings and tail have spikes, because that’s all Simon knows. He’s rough around the edges, he’s been hurt, he’s been used.

He’s never been in love before.

His love is spiky; it’s loud. It’s hotrod red and you can’t miss it when it’s out. Baz can’t see it, because Simon’s tucked it away. He hasn’t flown with it. He hasn’t wrapped it around Baz in so long. He doesn’t know how to handle a love this big, where to put it, when to unfurl it. 

Simon gets jealous. He gets scared. He’s insecure. He wants so dearly to finally give to someone instead of feeling like he’s just giving in. Like he’s still just taking from Baz.

What do you do with wings? 

How do you find somewhere safe to fly?

The Resolution.

I said earlier that if Carry On is a story of self-discovery, Wayward Son is a story of self-acceptance.

Simon has to love himself, and learn that his love for Baz is a good thing. As he accepts himself (and his dragon powers evolve go read my dragon simon meta it’s good.) he’s going to start to shine. 

This is a story being told to us with nothing but love. This is a story about a boy that’s his own worst enemy-- as all of us often are. It’s so scary to accept our wings. It’s so scary to accept our fangs. Especially when they’ve come out of such a hideous occurrence. 

We need to accept these dark times and acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, we were made more beautiful because of them. Maybe the light we give after we’ve been in darkness is more vibrant, because we know how scary the dark is. The things that happened to us were horrible, and hideous, and terrifying, but we aren’t. We’re different from how we were before, but we’re still beautiful. 

Simon Snow is going to accept himself.

Simon Snow is going to accept his past.

Simon Snow is going to finally, finally tell Baz he loves him.

And for the first time, Simon Snow is going to see that he’s beautiful.

If you’ve liked this meta you should also check out this one where i explain how they’re finally gonna get their relationship together. Also the one about the scarf

Special thank you to @singerofsimplesongs for listening to me howl and screech about this damn thing. 

Tagging some people that might be interested!

@neck-mole @watfordwallflower @carrybits @theflyingpeach @fight-surrender @shitty-posty-times @wisest-girl @slaying-fictional-dragons @gucciglitzy

I think i saw someone once conflate bear/twink with butch/femme respectively as the gay male alternative and... dont think that's how that works, i've known many a femme bear

Lmaooo god

I try to not be too flippant about the butch/femme discourse because I know it comes from a hurt space where communities have been violated and infiltrated. Where no LGBT group can have their own shit because there’s morons saying you can be an aroace gay man or a bisexual lesbian or you can be queer because your dick only works on thursdays and fridays or whatever

Like... I get it.

“This is mine, I don’t want you to take it from me” is a valid thing, especially when we know that when those things are taken, they lose/change meaning to the point of creating tangible harm.

This is not one of those cases. This is like a group of people baking cookies together, going “Oh, this is gonna be our thing we do every week together,” and then some people leaving the baking party upset that the other people are eating the cookies... that you all baked together. They aren’t “yours,” they’re OURS and have been since cookie mix was invented.

The only one trying to take away the cookies are the ones insisting they’re only for them.

And then trying to point to gay men and bi men and... yes, bisexual women, and go “Actually, you use BROWNIES for your sweets, THESE terms are your equivalent, like, no, bear/twink aren’t butch/femme alternatives... neither are stag/doe lmao

I think one of the easiest indicators of “Has this person ever actually talked to LGBT people over the age of 30 or like... done even basic skimming of LGBT history” is how exclusive they think the terms butch/femme are... NOT even getting in the fact that cishets use the term butch and like... femme is just a french word (does anyone remember when some like... forever 21 shirt had the word woman/women in multiple languages and it had the word femme on it because... france and people called it appropriation??)

I really think there’s an issue in online LGBT culture where issues are being conflated with each other. Like cishets casually using the word queer is not comparable to butch/femme being “stolen” by people who have been using the terms since their conception. A bi man calling his bi bf butch isn’t the same as a cishet girl calling herself her man’s femme. Femme bisexual is not comparable to someone using the term bisexual lesbian.

This is just a lot of pissing on the ground to mark territory and it all fucking reeks.

And, just like any other case of pissing in public, it’s majorly embarrassing to be witnessing the pissing. Like it does not belong here. Lmao.

Like please just read a book... talk to a LGBT person who didn’t learn everything from twitter threads and tumblr rants... touch a blade of grass and maybe think long and hard about why THIS is the hill you want to die on

A/N: Requests from @bi-readytobakepie-cry-and-die, @walkinoxymoron,  @mysticalflowerroadprune, @thenocturnalsyren  and two anons. I have an order here, chips with extra fluff? Anyone? You asked for fluff, you’re getting fluff—and the chips, too. 🍟

Words: 2975 Warnings: pure fluff, sleep paralysis

You spun around when your attacker lunged, acting surprised. He had you cornered, with no way to run—or so he thought. It was a devilish smirk that curled your lips upwards when he aimed to stab the thin air surrounding your illusion as it disappeared right before his eyes. He screamed, anger and frustration getting the better of him. It was his last mistake before you pierced his head with an arrow. You used a small crossbow attached to your right wrist to shoot your enemies, usually refrained from fighting up close. You were simply not the type. Besides, you hated the feeling of blood that was not your own on your skin.

You had been hunting these people all the way to New York now. Cleopatra would be truly proud of you. But those artefacts were not only of personal value for you and your heritage but also extremely dangerous which in the wrong hands could cause a lot of damage—and the most selfish part of you, so you knew, wanted to keep them all to yourself.

There was only one of them left now and quite apparently, you had received some unknown help. You were not the only one hunting the man who was quite likely aiming to have Assassin’s Creed come to life as he climbed over every rock and piece of debris he could find to get away. Although you were grateful for their aid, you couldn’t help but wonder what it was they wanted from him.

Stopping dead in your tracks when he came to a sudden halt, you moved behind a metal barrel and observed how a woman with ginger hair and a black suit fired three shots. Not a single one missed its target. Dead. The spook was finally over. Now all you still needed was that contract hidden in one of his pockets.

“Hey, there’s another one!” The mechanical voice was coming from above you when you emerged from your hiding spot and attempted to approach the corpse. Looking up to find a man wearing a red and gold suit, you barely had the time to spin back around when another man on their team—short hair, with a bow and arrow as his weapon of choice—unceremoniously aimed at you.

“No, stop!” Your eyes widened, reflexes kicking in. You felt the familiar tingling in your body whenever you teleported, leaving an illusion behind and letting the archer’s arrow hurtling through the empty spot you had stood in less than a second ago. Rude… “I believe we are on the same side.” They jumped when you reappeared behind them.

-

You struggled to remember their names, purpose and story. The woman with the red hair was called Natasha Romanoff, Black Widow for short. Former assassin, she now worked with this secret organisation called SHIELD. There was Tony Stark—billionaire and Iron Man and Steve Rogers aka Captain America who spent seventy years frozen in the sea. The man who had almost killed you had you not been supernaturally gifted was called Clint Barton and sometimes Hawkeye. You were familiar with Thor of course. How could you not be? You had grown up reading about gods and goddesses… being one yourself.

“The question is… who are you?” Tony Stark had removed his suit by now and revealed an average-sized man.

“My name is (Y/N)—not a fancy superhero name, I know.”

“And you practice magic,” Thor tossed in with crossed arms.

“Magic? No. I cast illusions. My father was human, like most of you. My mother on the other end… are you familiar with the tale of Persephone and Hades?”

Tony Stark raised an eyebrow. “You’re telling me you’re a Greek goddess?”

“Half-goddess. I prefer the term hybrid.” You usually wore contacts to hide your true eye colour. It was much more saturated than others.

Alarmed, you turned when someone else entered the room. They had taken your crossbow from you just to be sure but to be fair, you could bring it back into your possession in the twinkling of an eye.

“Where have you been, Reindeer Games? We could have needed you out there.”

“Urgent matters.” A smooth, mysterious and dark voice stated simply—mockingly almost. While you sincerely doubted that his name really was Reindeer Games, for some peculiar reason you were dying to learn who he was. Raven hair, blue eyes and those sharp cheekbones… his clothing looked Asgardian, too. He was definitely not human. Neither were you, depending on how you looked at it.

Electricity rippled through you when your eyes met. The strange Asgardian made no move, whatsoever though, to introduce himself.

“You will be…?” You asked with a polite smile.

Natasha frowned suspiciously. “He is…”

“Loki,” he interrupted her hurriedly, dashing you a smile as he did. “Thor’s brother, I am afraid to say.” You laughed when the God of Thunder shot him a playfully hurt glance.

“Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Loki.”

“She lived on the moon, didn’t she?” Clint murmured.

Tony pursed his lips. “Where did you come from?”

“Egypt. I spent the last six years in Egypt.”

“Right… and what is a Greek goddess doing in Egypt?”

“Half-goddess—and I told I don’t like being called that. I was working with archaeologists and securing sacred artefacts. You know… objects like the box of Pandora.” You winked at him.

The Avengers, so they called themselves, exchanged puzzled looks—almost as if they were in on a secret you were yet to learn about.

“I see. You best stay away from… well. (Y/N), Loki is…” Clint started.

“…determined to show you around.” The God of Mischief interrupted him sharply, directing all of his attention to you. “What is it you can do then?”

“I cast illusions.”

You smirked when his eyebrows rose in an impressed manner and he offered you his arm to make you decide in that moment that you liked him.

-

By now, around three months had passed since you more or less joined the Avengers. They had helped you return the artefacts to Egypt and Loki… Loki and you had found yourselves spending a lot of time together and getting to know one another. He was wonderful. Intelligent, witty, mischievous and thoughtful and even quite introverted when it came to talking about his inner thoughts and feelings. There was something he was not telling you though—something that Thor too was making the Avengers keep silent about.

Whatever it was… perhaps one day, he would be ready to tell you. You were not going to pressure him into anything. You had your own skeletons in your closet—which was why you were beginning to fall in love with him—and the reason your heart almost leaped out of your chest when Steve and Thor returned without him from one of their latest missions which had entailed the words venom, dwarves and drinking water.

You had been against them wandering off on their own and without any backup, especially if something otherworldly was involved. Thor was quite megalomaniac, so you had figured. His ‘that’s what heroes do’ attitude made you want to slap him every now and then. Loki never considered himself as a hero and for some peculiar reason the Avengers never bothered to treat him as such either.

“Where is Loki?!”

They were bruised, injured and covered in blood. You did not even want to imagine what they must have dealt with. The book you had been reading flew over the sofa as you hurried to confront them.

Thor shook his head. He was still out of breath.

“We don’t know,” Steve answered you instead. “He disappeared shortly before the explosion. He might still have been in the building.”

“The explosion?!” You shrieked. “Well, why didn’t you look for him?”

“The dwarves were still there.” Dwarves. If only they were harmless. They certainly looked the part—right until they tried to scratch your eyes out with their tiny and venomous claws.

“Okay, you two, into my lab. Bruce just got back from England concerning the venom, (Y/N), you calm down. Loki goes to ground all the time.”

“Why are you all acting like he does not matter? What is wrong with you, Stark?”

“What’s wrong? He is a fucking crim—“

“Stark!” Thor roared. Indignantly, you shook your head as they hurried out of the room. “Don’t worry too much about him, (Y/N)!” You heard him yell to you. “You don’t know Loki like I do!”

This was starting to get ridiculous. But you had no time to ponder over this—you were way too worried for him, right until something crashed into the living room and broke the glass table in front of the sofa. No, not something. Someone.

“Loki!” Thank the stars. He must have teleported himself out of there. He was covered in dirt and dust, a laceration on his forehead. His blue eyes met yours for only a brief second before the adrenaline in his body died down and he fell unconscious.

The venom. Loki was an Asgardian god. If the dwarves’ venom affected him so strongly… he was sweating, too. With all your strength, you heaved him on the sofa and slid a cushion under his head. None of the other Avengers would be back anytime soon anyway.

You left for only a brief moment, returning with a wet cloth to cool his skin and clean his wound. There was nothing else you could do for him except for watching over him to make sure he healed.

“Loki… get well soon, my king.” He had told you about his desire to claim the throne, to be the first choice for once. He certainly was your king. “Get well soon so I can kiss you.”

Smiling, you gripped his hand tighter, leaning against the sofa. You had always slept like this back in Egypt. You had worked with a young archaeologist only a few years younger than yourself. Your sleep paralysis—something you had not even told Loki about just yet made it hard to restfully slumber at night. She on the other hand had had nyctophobia—fear of the dark. It had been hard to leave her behind, knowing she had become something like a sister. Since then, sleep had rarely come to you… until you had met Loki and now knew you could always spend the entire night talking to him instead.

Holding his hand now and feeling his warmth and his presence filled you with joy. Before you even knew it, you had fallen asleep next to him, kneeling on the ground. Unbeknownst to you, however, the God of Mischief had still been awake the entire time and heard every single word you had said. Kiss me? He thought—the last one before he slid back into unconsciousness.

When he woke again, you were still there, holding his hand. He smiled. It was nice, knowing that somebody cared for him. It made the pain the venom caused as it cursed through his veins a lot more bearable. Tomorrow, he figured, he would be over the worst. And then his smile suddenly disappeared. She only cares for you because she doesn’t know what you’ve done, a scornful voice in his mind whispered.

Loki clenched his fists. He rolled his eyes when he discovered Thor sneakily peeking into the room.

“What happened?” He croaked. It was an unnecessary question, really. He knew what had happened. He was just too weak to nag ‘What do you want’.

“She fell asleep over three hours ago, Loki. I tried to wake her but she refuses to leave your side.”

Loki looked him directly in the eye, his heart skipping a beat. She refuses to leave your side. “Why have you been so keen on keeping a secret from her what I did in New York?” He asked, taking his chance now that they were alone. For once, there was honest curiosity in his voice.

Thor hesitated. Then, he shrugged. “Because you were.” It was all he replied. He understood then. Just this one time, his brainless brother understood why it was so important to him to keep from you what had made him, in the Avengers’ eyes, a villain. He just wondered for how much longer he could keep up the act.

With a gentle smile, Thor turned to leave the room. “I knew you would make it out.” He added before he disappeared. Loki rolled his eyes yet again, albeit amused.

Perhaps it was wrong. He would never find peace living in constant fear that you would find out on your own and hate him like all the other Avengers did. He took a deep breath when you opened your eyes—and for the first time in a long while, he was at loss for words. What should he first say to you? Should he thank you? Ask if you had had pleasant dreams?

“Good morning, my dear.” He eventually opted; to his utter shock, however, your eyes widened. You did not move, not a single inch and yet, your eyes proved you were awake. Did you already know? Had he scared you somehow, or done something in his half-unconscious state?

-

Anytime now they would appear—those pitch black monsters with the long claws and the terrifying red glowing eyes. You had seen them in a film as a child and ever since then, they had become the personification of your fear. Rejection, repulsion, hatred, loneliness… they all meant to grab you. Falling asleep, you had been holding Loki’s hand, so why had your sleep paralysis returned?

The sorrow, you answered yourself. You were worrying for Loki when you fell asleep. Was he still here with you, on the sofa? You could not see him. Instead, over the backrest, crawled the first monster. It stared at you darkly, making your eyes widen in fear and then, out of the blue, another one reached for you from behind, beginning to shake you. Shake you? That was new. They usually never managed to actually touch you, you always brought yourself to wake up in time.

“(Y/N)! (Y/N), are you alright?” Loki. Blinking frantically, you fought hard to move your limbs, to tense and relax your muscles repeatedly to fully wake up. When you finally did, you were met with a very concerned Loki. “What is happening to you? You started screaming at me.”

“I did? I’m sorry…” One deep breath, then two, then three. “I was… nightmare. Never mind. Are you feeling better?”

“A nightmare? That did not look like a simple nightmare.” Loki knew what nightmares looked like. He had them all the time, after all.

“Maybe not. But I don’t want to burden you with that. You seem to be having your own problems.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He spat, sitting up and putting his feet on the ground fast.

“Loki, there is obviously something you are trying to keep a secret from me.”

“So you mistrust me?” He responded with a quiet voice.

“I don’t mistrust you,” you insisted, cupping his cheek. “I just feel like there is something you are not ready to tell me about yet and until then… it would be unfair to rant about my problems instead.”

Loki looked up. Regret was sparkling in his blue eyes—regret along with remorse. You do not even deserve her, the voice whispered.

“I am a criminal.” He suddenly said, the word murderer not quite leaving his lips.

“What? What are you saying?”

“A little over five years ago, I invaded this planet in an attempt to rule it. I was blinded by a promise which could never be held and betrayed not only Thor but also myself.”

“You did… what?” Your lips parted. I invaded this planet.

“It matters not. Thanos is dead now.”

“Thanos? Thanos made you do this?”

“No,” he snapped. “The sceptre, it… I killed many innocent people, (Y/N). It was only a small price to pay for the recognition I sought.” He looked you dead in the eye. “I regret making these sacrifices but at the same time… I do not.” He was torn. You could feel it burning in his stunning eyes.

“Why did you never tell me that?”

Loki scoffed scornfully. “I assumed you would despise me like everyone else if you knew. I took lives, (Y/N). I took lives for my own gain. I am not a hero, I never will be.” And he did not want to be, so you figured. You did not despise him. Quite on the contrary… you were only falling for him more and more. The pain that Thanos had inflicted on him still sat deep. He blamed himself, assuming it was no one else but him who deserved to be called evil and a villain.

Actions might comfort him more than your words could now. So you leaned in, placing your palms on his thighs for balance and tenderly pressed your lips against his. If anything, the God of Mischief was taken aback, still, the moment you joined for a hesitant kiss, his eyes fell shut. With a sigh, he cupped your face and pulled you closer, his tongue asking for entrance almost timidly. For now, explaining to him what sleep paralysis was and how it tormented you at night could wait.

“I don’t hate you,” you breathed out once you parted again, desperate for oxygen. Your lips were swollen—his were too, a little. “I think I am falling for you, Loki Odinson.”

His expression was hopeful, vulnerable even—so unlike his usual cool and confident demeanour. His smile, honest and raw, was contagious.

“I heard you,” he admitted. “I heard you promising to kiss me once I woke up.”

Biting back a joyful laugh, you kissed him once more.

-

A/N: If you enjoyed this story I would appreciate it so much if you supported me on Kofi! ko-fi.com/sserpente ♥

the system tag on this hellsite is horrible dear fucking god. can i exist with my fictive (singular) in peace please.

legit, how do they have NO empathy for mentally ill people. tearing down systems will not make the singlets like you.

it will not make the doctors kinder.

it will not make the systemic oppressions go away.

attacking mentally ill people like rabid dogs does not make anything better.

it does not make your community loving and safe, like it should be.

we are tired. we are traumatized. we shouldn't have to face this kind of treatment from our own fucking community.

\/ more under cut \/

because even if they are faking. there is still something wrong. no one wakes up and decides to do something like that for clout, unless there is something wrong.

having empathy, even for people you might consider "evil" or "bad" lets us understand others in a way i think is helpful. and i don't mean murderers.

when someone gives a long paragraph explaining multiplicity and being plural, and you respond with something snarky (ex: "oh, someone's mad i don't like their tommyinnit alter" -actual thing i have seen happen), it shows that you don't want to change. it shows that you are immature. and, there isn't anything wrong with being immature! i am very immature and that's ok :) but when you harm people, that's... not okay.

it's just like when bi people had to convince everyone they were real. and the same with pan people, and ace people, and aro people and-

exclusion does not help anyone. it only makes our community (both the plural and lgbt) more oppressive and upsetting to be in. and while i do advocate for inclusion, some people really don't need to be included. in the instance of the lgbt community, it would be MAPS (literal pedophiles) trying to act like they belong.

in the plural community, it's endogenic systems acting as though they are on the same level as traumagenic system.

endogenic systems do not have did or osdd. they can't have these disorders without trauma. did and osdd are formed by trauma, this is just how they work.

but that doesn't mean we can be rude or exclude them from the mentally ill community. they are still mentally ill. they still deserve support. and while they appropriate terms and act like they are the same as traumagenic systems, maybe they just need better terms, better coping mechanisms, support.

i am not saying actual systems need to provide that, instead that it's up to the people that are clearly in need of something- a community, a support network, therapy- to better themselves.

empathy is a powerful tool. it would benefit some of you to learn to use it.

(tl:dr guys stop being mean to everyone that doesn't act like you. endos get therapy /gen)

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

a discovery

chapter 14 of Just Another Liability

pairing: mason/f!oc (Serena Willis)

warnings: some angst and cursing. mention of childhood neglect/abandonment issues

words: 3k (I know! this is the longest installment I’ve written by far) 

read on ao3

             I wasn’t given a choice in the matter. Agent Greene needed me to meet her at the Warehouse, and by the tone of her voice I knew better than to argue. I could refuse to go, but part of me is nervous. I can’t think what would be so important.

               The drive back to Wayhaven is stressful. It’s my first time returning, and I don’t know the roads very well. At least it gives me something to focus on. Something besides the gnawing worry about seeing Mason. It took me too long to decide what to wear and I’m sure Agent Greene will be pissed when I show up. I probably shouldn’t have taken the time to apply a little eyeliner and mascara, but I had to.

               I need some sort of armor.

               I waste even more time at the front door. Everything looks the same. It’s strange to think it’s been almost a month since I was here last.

               They’re probably all in the living room; I move through the labyrinthian hallway on autopilot trying to focus more on what could be so important to have me come out here rather than seeing Mason. I mean really, I need to get it together and get my priorities straight.

               Besides I should be used to people not loving me. My mom made it clear how much I ruined her life. My dad didn’t even care that I was born. On the scale of things, my fuck buddy not catching feels isn’t that big a deal.

               Except it feels like a huge fucking deal when I turn the corner and find him walking towards me.

               “Shit.” I feel my heart drop to my stomach. I think this is the first time we’ve been alone together since that night. I feel his eyes sweep over me and I’m glad I took the extra time to get ready.

               “Took you long enough, swe—” he stumbles over the word. We both know what he was going to say. “Everyone’s waiting on you.”

               “Yeah, well it’s not like I was given much of a heads up. Just a cryptic fucking call. I do have my own life you know.” That’s not exactly true. I worked a few days a week at an agency dispensary for supernaturals in the area, and while I was on friendly terms with the coworkers there, I didn’t have any social life to speak off. The most exciting thing on my calendar would be my bi-weekly visits to the facility to use their training room.

               He shrugs, “that’s the agency for you.”

               “Let’s just get this over with,” I won’t let myself meet his eyes as I move to walk past him.

               He falls into step alongside me. Once or twice our arms brush, and I my skin itches with the proximity. I don’t know if he’s trying to put me at ease, to show me that everything can be normal, but it’s having the opposite effect. Which he probably knows because of his stupid vampire super senses. With any luck he’ll think I’m just nervous about his meeting. Sure, let’s go with that.  

               I enter the room first, and walk towards what used to be my usual chair.

               “How nice of you to make sure Serena didn’t get lost in her old home,” Farah quips and I hear a low growl from Mason in response.

               Please don’t let her be like that through this whole meeting.

               Everyone is in their familiar places spread out across the room, but there’s a tension in the room I don’t recognize. It’s then that I notice the vaguely familiar looking man standing off to the side. He looks uncomfortable, always shifting his weight from side to side.

                “So, what’s so important that I needed to come down here,” I ask as I settle into the chair. Out of the corner of my eye I can see where Mason has perched himself against one of the side tables. I’m torn between my desire to ignore him, to put a brave face on it, and my need to drink in the sight of him. To memorize the placement of every freckle on his face for my lonely days back in the city, but I won’t do that because that would be pathetic.

               Dinah speaks first, “it’s my fault, Serena. I told Agent Greene we couldn’t continue without you here. This concerns you too.”

               “As you know we took samples and did extensive testing when you first arrived here,” Agent Greene interjects and I stiffen in anticipation for what will come next. Is there something wrong with me?

               “Well, that’s ominous. What do I have cancer or something?”

               “No, no I can assure you that you are in perfect health,” the man speaks up. “You may not remember me, but I assisted with some of the testing when you first arrived at the facility.

               “Dr. Franks also did extensive testing on me,” Dinah says from where she is seated next to Nate. She’s on the edge of her seat. Elbows resting on her knees and staring at me so intently I almost wonder if I have something on my face.

               “I thank you both for your cooperation,” the man says before turning to face me. “It’s specially exciting to get to meet the first arrival from a new portal.”

               A scoff from Dinah interrupts him and I see Agent Greene stiffen.

               “Okay so I’m not about to drop dead, good to know, but that still doesn’t explain what’s going on.”

               “Dr. Franks, noticed a pattern between yourself and Detective Greene.” I raise my eyebrow to hear her address her daughter so formally. “As of yet, no one outside of this room has been informed. We already know there are moles within the agency, and for her safety I would like to keep it that way.

               “Right, it’s my safety your worried about,” Agent Greene pretends not to hear the outburst from Dinah.

               “I was hesitant to include you, given your current status.”

               “But Dinah insisted.” I finish the thought.

               “Yes,” Agent Greene says as she clasps her hands in front of her and if I didn’t know any better, I would say they shaking. the look she gives me is not a kind one. I’ve never found myself comfortable with Agent Greene, but the effect is worse than usual today.

               “So, what do I have crazy super blood as well?”

               “No. Your blood doesn’t appear to have any amplifying effect.” Dr. Franks answers.

               “Then what the fuck is it?”

               “They think we’re related.” Dinah’s voice is soft and it takes me a second to process the words. “We are about a 25% match; it would be consistent with half siblings.”

               “Okay, sure, and I’m also long-lost royalty.” I say with a roll of my eyes, but no one laughs. If anything, the tension in the room amplifies. Half siblings. One parent in common. God knows it isn’t my bitch of a mother, Dinah has her own one of those.

               “This has to be some sort of mistake. I know who my father is. There’s no way. I’m not ever from this world.”

               “Apparently you weren’t the first to come through that portal,” Dinah says her voice like ice and her eyes never leaving Rebecca.

               Rebecca won’t meet her gaze. Dinah shakes her head and shakes off the reassuring hand Nate tries to place on her arm, “and I thought we were done with secrets.” She says with a bitter laugh.

               “So, what, your dad was actually from my world? But I thought the agency didn’t have any records of other portals?” I ask trying to get all the pieces to fit together in my head. It feels like too much.

               “Yes. You are the first person that the agency knows of,” Rebecca says her eyes sliding over to where Dr. Franks stands, “we are all shocked to learn about it. My late husband didn’t talk a lot about his past, and I respected his wish for privacy.”

               I don’t believe her for a second. She knew. She knew all this time that I wasn’t the first. I run my hands over my face and try to wrap my head around it all. It’s bad enough trying to consider the fact that there might be other trapped here like me. I don’t know if I can even begin to grabble with the dad stuff. It’s not much of a loss discovering my father is not actually my father. He decided he didn’t want a daughter anymore when I was about four and I hadn’t seen or heard from him.

               I remember seeing photos of Dinah’s dad in her office. He had an open face, always smiling holding her tight. Not just Dinah’s dad that could have been my dad.

               “I will need to do further testing, but I believe that Detective’s Greene’s mutation may be caused by her unique heritage. If that is the case, there is a good chance that any children you might have would exhibit that same mutation.”

               “Any what now?” I ask surprised.

               “I would have to do further testing, but there’s a good chance that this is the source of the mutation. We couldn’t understand it before because we believed that Detective Greene had human parentage, but now knowing it is more complicated opens up other avenues of possibilities.”

               He’s talking more to himself than us at this point and I tune it out. I run my hands over my face and try and keep above the swirling maelstrom that my thoughts have turned into. Knowing he wasn’t my father isn’t much of a loss. He stopped being a dad to me when I was four, but what did that leave me? Just the mistaken product of a one-night stand? I always knew I wasn’t planned, wasn’t wanted, the only reason for my mom’s first marriage. Was that why they got divorced, did he figure out he wasn’t my father? Maybe I really did ruin her life. It’s getting harder to breath and I think I might throw up.

               A banging sound brings me back to the present and I look up to see Mason half way between the side table and my chair. Our eyes meet for a moment and against all reason I feel a little calmer. I lose myself a little in his grey depths and my racing thoughts begin to settle. There will be time to deal with my feelings about this. I say deal as if I won’t just bury it down like I do with everything else. What matters right now is what this means for us now.

               “Okay, so say this is really true, what does it change?”  I ask looking around the room.

               Adam speaks up from the window, “I don’t think you should return to your apartment. I think for the time being you should return to the warehouse.”

               I tense up at the thought, “I don’t really think that’s necessary. It’s not like my blood is super powered.”

               “Perhaps not, but supernaturals have long lives. They may be willing to wait a generation to have access to the boost the mutation supplies.” Adam says with a grimace.

               “Fine.” I concede and the tension in the room eases up a bit. “I’ll need a change of clothes and my stuff though.”

               Adam nods, “make us a list and we will go grab them for you.”

               “I will accompany Dr. Franks back to the facility and see if there is anything else, we missed in the test.” Agent Greene says signaling the end of the meeting.

               Farah nearly knocks me over in her excitement to hug me. “You must be so excited! I told you Unit Bravo was a family, and now look it really is.”

               I try and match her excitement. I really do, but it’s not easy.

               Now that Agent Greene has left, Dinah is closer to her usual warm self. She hugs me for a long time, talking about how she always wanted a sister, that she had already thought of me as almost a sister.

               It’s overwhelming. I think I say the right things. I think I look like I’m fine.

               Dinah begins to tell me everything she can remember about her father, our father. How he was such a great dad, how much he cared, how much she misses him, how much she wished she had been able to know he better.

               I feel like I can’t breathe. How different would my life had been if he never fell through the portal? What I wouldn’t have given to have a father like him, to feel loved and cherished even all these years later. What I wouldn’t give to remember a parent with love rather than bitterness, to have just one person in my life who looked out for me. But I didn’t get that. He fell through a hole in the world and Dinah got that instead. I feel so bitter I think I might chock on it.

               I lie and say I need to go to the bathroom.

               I don’t have a plan besides getting away from all the attention. I let me feet guide me and end up at the training room. Hitting something matches my mood exactly.

               I fall into a rhythm. The sound of my fists hitting the dummy echoing in the empty space of the training room.

               How did I ever get by without this before? Maybe my life wouldn’t have been so messy if I’d just let myself hit things.

               I don’t notice him at first. Not until I stop to grab some water and I see him leaning against the door frame. If I wasn’t already winded from my excursions the intensity of his gaze would probably take my breath away.

               I let myself look at him really look at him. Is it possible that I forgot how beautiful he is? I thought I could recall him well, the way the light catches in his eyes, the delicate spray of freckles across his golden skin, but my memories pale in comparison to the reality.  

               “Mason,” I say with a nod raising the water bottle to my lips.

               He pushes off the wall and I watch his movements with rapt attention. He turns to face me in the center of the training mats before tying his hair back and sinking into a familiar position.

               It’s an invitation.

               Sparring with Mason isn’t a graceful dance. It is brutal, and it suits my mood just fine. Oh, sure he’s pulling his punches back, but even then, it still stings when he lands a hit. It still takes me a moment to recover when I land flat on my ass.

               I manage to land a few hits, and I don’t know if it’s a testament to my skill improving, or if he’s letting me, but I don’t care. It’s still satisfying. It’s still distracting. It’s still what I need.

               The next time he knocks me down I stay on the ground. I’m too tired to keep going, and the tangled knot of emotions in my chest feels less overwhelming.

               “Better?” Mason asks.

               “Yes, thank you.” I mean it. After all my stupidity, he should be the last person I want to be around, but I don’t know if I could stand being around anyone else right now. Between Farah and her excitement and questions, and Nate’s whole idolization of family ties, I’d felt like screaming.

               “Dinah seems happy.”

               “Yeah,” I say as I rise to a sitting position.

               “but you’re not.”

               I pull my legs in close and rest my head on my knees, “I’m too many things right now.”

               If this was a few months ago, this would be the part where he offers to distract me. This is where he would say something crass like he’d be happy to make me cum too many times. But he can’t say that now, so he just shifts his weight from side to side looking uncomfortable.

               “Thank you for the sparring, it helped, but you don’t need to do this.” I say with a sigh.

               “Do what?”

               “Stick around, check on me. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.” Except my voice cracks a little on that last syllable. Once I start crying it hits hard. I can’t even figure out what exactly I’m crying about, there’s just this needy little part of me that’s angry and sad and normally I can keep her under control, but today was too much. Today was too many memories and reminders.

               I don’t expect the tentative touch to my back, the weight of his hand, the quiet reassurance that he is there. I don’t know why he is here, or what it means, but right now I don’t care. I just want. I lean against him and let his arms wrap around me.

               We stay that way for several minutes, until my tears slow down, until I feel calmer. When he pulls away, he does so quickly. All too soon he is standing several feet away.

               “I’m sorry about that.”

               “Don’t be. Will you be okay?”

               “I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.” I say with a wave of my hand.

               His brow furrows before he answers, “I do though.”

               Oh, my traitorous heart thrills at that. How little does that fool need to threaten to come bursting out of my chest and follow him as he walks towards the door.

tag list for the au (let me know if you would like to be added or removed): @lord-king-saint, @lilyoffandoms, @tracing-freckled-constellations, @vienocalledmebuddy, @freckles-spangledvampire, @utterlyinevitable, @whippedforethanfreakingramsey

Children of Blood and Bone review

4.5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: magic, fantasy, non-Western fantasy, multiple POVs, A Song of Wraiths and Ruins I really liked the worldbuilding and thought the world was very vibrant. I liked that the story took us to multiple different places so we got to see a wide range of Orïsha's environments and people. Adeyemi did a good job of incorporating maji/diviners-kosidan relationships into each location so that they felt realistic. One town might have a mix of both where the maji/diviners get shaken down by the guards in a 'normal' way while the next might be brutal for the maji/diviners, and yet another might treat them as relative equals. The way the guards treated the maji/diviners was also realistic, unfortunately, and you can definitely see the influences of real-world laws and actions in the ones present in Orïsha. The magic system overall makes sense and I don't think it needs a ton of explaining: diviners as baby!maji who will get their powers from one of the gods/esses at age 13, the magic is usually passed through the maternal line so kids tend to have the same kind of magic as the mom's, and there are chants/prayers/incantations to the gods that allow the magic to flow. Simple enough. However, the incantations end up getting a bit tricky later on in the book. For one, we pretty much always see Zelie using incantations when she calls her magic, but some of the other magic-using characters are never mentioned as using incantations. While some of them, like Zélie, probably remember a few from before the Raid, that can't be true for all of them, especially ones who are too young or who get a power that doesn't correspond with one their parent had. So that bit felt a little rushed, but overall I liked the magic system in the book and Zélie's way of describing magic was interesting. As for Zélie herself: she's got a fire in her and she's determined to get things done, even if she sometimes doubts her abilities to lead. She balances herself quite well between being afraid of the guards and retaliation and rebellion, and generally seems to keep a good balance, though I do have to agree with Tzain that sometimes she does stuff without thinking. I particularly liked how much joy she took from her diviner/maji heritage and her awareness that simply living her heritage was rebellion within itself. There was a bit toward the end where she was getting doubtful about magic which was kind of confusing since she'd also used magic to fight and for more debatable reasons, but whatever. Overall I liked her character. With Amari I was kind of lost at first as to how people could call her a badass, but I definitely get it now. I'll will admit that I didn't and still don't see how she and Zelie are such great friends. Friends, definitely. But best friends? I don't think they're there yet. Something I definitely appreciate about Amari was how willing she was to learn. Some of the things she came into contact with once outside the palace scared her, but she was open to explanations and other perspectives, which was great considering her upbringing (and considering Inan's chapters). I feel like Amari really came into herself in the second half of the book. She finally gets a chance to fight for something she believes in and I think it helped transform her character from someone who shied away from the blade she knew how to use to someone who would wield a sword to defend herself and others. I could definitely see her becoming a commander of some kind in the future, though I'm not entirely sure if 'queen' suits her (I am not entirely certain the title 'ruler' suits anyone in this book). Inan is the last POV character and he was...he was a lot. Amari and Zelie are definitely my favorites, but Inan is someone I could probably do with having less page time. This boy has zero convictions of his own and is completely unable to look past his nose. Unlike Amari, he continues to believe his father's words even traveling around and doesn't really spare a second thought to how reality might actually be. The one thing I'll say in his defense is that Amari did have Binta growing up and was able to see that at least one diviner wasn't bad, which I do think helped for her to generalize this idea to other diviners/maji, whereas Inan didn't have a figure like that in his life. But enough of that. Inan is wishy-washy and swings one way then the other (though never completely all the way), and he is far too willing to return to his old ideals when things get challenging or scary. I mean, for fuck's sake he isn't even really the one suffering most of these times and is still all too ready to give up. Like, please grow a spine, buddy. I do think Adeyemi actually did a really good job of writing Inan in the sense that she manages to capture the effects abuse and gaslighting and show just how much of an effect those things can have on your psyche. So in that sense Inan was a 'good' character, but I don't think he's a good person nor do I like him. Tzain was someone whom I felt was in the background for a lot of the book. He supports Zelie and is willing to go off with her to do all these things and protects her and stands by her even when she fucks up. He is also able to be nice to Amari despite her being the princess and the daughter of the man who caused a lot of his problems. From what we do see of him Tzain seems to have a good sense of humor and is funny at times. He's also clearly holding in a lot of pain, trauma, and responsibility, though he rarely shows it. I definitely think he feels responsible for his father and Zelie and that whenever something bad happens to either of them he feels guilty, even if there was nothing he could've done. While he blames Zélie for a lot of things, which I don't like AT ALL but at the same time understand needing to direct your anger somewhere, I get the feeling he's mostly blaming himself. In terms of relationships. Someone please explain to me why there needed to be any in this book in the first place? Inan and Zélie are the main pairing, which is just dumb af since he wants to kill her for almost the entirety of the book then, after like two whole days of being together, they decide everything's fine and dandy and start kissing. I side with Tzain on this one, even if his phrasing wasn't great. I'll be honest, the Zélie and Inan's whole relationship just confuses me. I don't understand why they like each other other than 'insta-love' and I don't understand 1) why Zélie's willing to Risk It All after Inan being nice for two days, and 2) why she's willing to continue the relationship after what happens with Saran. Perhaps my biggest issue with them is Inan's so-called love wherein he thinks taking away magic will protect Zélie...completely ignoring the fact that part of Zélie is magic. *SPOILER, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH TO AVOID* That complete and utter dumbass doesn't seem to connect the fact that he stopped feeling Zélie's soul when Zélie stopped feeling magic. Like? Brains? No brains here. *SPOILER END* Okay, moving on. Tzain and Amari have better prospects for romance. Adeyemi set them up from the very beginning, even if Tzain might've initially seen her as a pretty face. They grow to like and respect for one another and I feel like their relationship could actually go somewhere. But why, why oh why does Adeyemi make Amari mention the L-word? Like, honey, you are not in love with this boy after only knowing him a week. Crush, sure. Love, no. But that matters not, since there is at least the potential. Actually, something re: relationships that I felt Adeyemi kind of brushed over (and it seems like other reviews also had this same thought) has to do with Amari. She is very much coded to be bi and it's written as if she and Binta had a romantic relationship, but Adeyemi never follows through with this. I honestly thought that Amari and Zelie were going to be the main pairing of the book at first, or failing that that Amari would have feelings for Zélie, Zélie wouldn't reciprocate, then Amari would move on to another female character. But nope. Nada. I mean, Tzain's good too, but it's just weird the way the whole thing with Amari's romantic interest(s) was/were written. Now onto something else: the throne. While becoming the next ruler isn't an outright object for either Inan or Amari (or anyone else), being heir definitely sits on Inan's shoulders and drives a lot of what he does. Likewise, Amari comes to the realization that if she were the next on the throne she could help the diviners/maji and overturn the laws and the system that her father created. The current king, Saran, sucks all around and definitely doesn't deserve his head being attached to his body. But we already knew that. The point is, Inan is clearly not good for Orïsha because he can't form his own convictions and leans solely on what he's been taught to think is right. He does, however, think he is the only person who can keep Orïsha safe and protected. Amari, on the other hand, knows she won't be queen and doesn't seem to really want to be queen until she realized what that could mean for what she believes in. However, and there's always a 'however,' she also kind of has Mad Queen Energy about her at times after she makes this decision. She is, in my opinion, also not a great contender for the throne. As mentioned, I think she'd make a great general, but there's something about her that makes me hesitate before supporting her bid for the throne. Do I think she'd be better than Saran or Inan? Absolutely. But probably so would Yemi, that doesn't mean she should get the throne. Perhaps I am merely feeling particularly democratic today, but I don't believe an absolute monarch will help Orïsha. If we are being realistic, I don't even know if a democratic one would either, but power in the hands of a diverse many would probably be better than power in the hands of one. Overall I enjoyed the story. I thought the plot was good and I enjoyed going with the characters as they (mostly) struggled to get magic back. Inan served to be a good character for demonstrating how our childhood can influence the kind of people we become and also serves as a nice foil to Amari, who has decided to be the opposite of her brother. Zélie is a good character to follow since she's so alive. She's got so much rage and love and fear and fire that pushes her every step of the way and helps her overcome so many things. I knocked off half a star for the frivolous reason that I don't like Inan and Zélie's romance and don't think it was necessary for the book. I'll be honest, the book was great, it was tough for me to put down even when I needed to, but for some reason I just don't have any desire to find out what happens in the next one. It's a bit like A Song of Wraiths and Ruin like that for me. I just...don't feel it. I don't think it has anything to do with either book since I couldn't make myself finish reading a new book by one of my favorite authors even though I was enjoying it so...just that kind of year, I suppose.