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murfpersonalblog · 10 months

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Loumand's Timeskip - "Dubai Is A Child"

This thought literally just woke me up at 4 in the frikkin morning cuz who needs SLEEP, but WHEN did Loumand move to Dubai?

I had a dream that I was still responding to this Loumand bed death post @vividxp made, thinking about this show's altered timeline; how Loumand was obviously happy/happier from the 40s-70s; and how the show will handle not only Louis' increasing descent into depression, but Armand's depression as well--which culminated in Armand finally breaking up with Louis for good in the books, pre-QoTD, ToTBT, Memnoch & Merrick, etc.

"....When I looked into Louis's tortured face...I knew that this black-clad dark-haired gentleman...was the alluring embodiment of the misery I felt. He mourned the loss of grace of one human lifetime. I mourned the loss of the grace of centuries.... I fell in love with him hopelessly, and leaving the Theatre des Vampires in ruins (he burnt it to the ground in a rage for a very good reason), I wandered the world with him until very late in this modern age. Time eventually destroyed our love for one another. Time withered our gentle intimacy. Time devoured whatever conversation or pleasures we once agreeably shared. One other horrible inescapable and unforgettable ingredient went into our destruction. Ah, I don't want to speak of it, but who among us is going to let me be silent on the matter of Claudia, the child vampire whom I am accused for all time by all of having destroyed?" -- Armand, TVA

What went wrong between the time we see Louis in SanFran, and the time we see him in Dubai? WHY did they move to Dubai, and WHEN?

"Time eventually destroyed our love for one another. "

The Ep6 flashback to 1970s SanFran has always jarred me, cuz Louis looks so dang vibrant here--flirty and joking and talkative in ways we don't really EVER see--"I HAve An ACceNT!?" 🤪

(One of my FAVORITE Louis moments--Pyromaniac Du Lac is a frikkin DRAGON, y'all. 🐲🔥🐉😍)

Then we cut to 2022 Dubai, and it's Hello Darkness, My Old Friend?

Did Louis start spiraling the night of Daniel's OG 70's interview? Maybe? Louis was definitely angry, that he hadn't adequately convinced Daniel that vampirism was a horror, not something Daniel should be begging for like a simp--"You were disrespectful!"

Unlike in the film, Louis actually bit Daniel on the show, and woulda killed/drained him if Armand hadn't intervened; "this time I won't save your life." They (read: Armand) wiped his memory, took the tapes & ran--presumably to Dubai? But why THERE? Pretty drastic change of scenery--it's not like Dan would've remembered enough to call the cops on them, forcing Loumand to duck the CIA or something. Louis was killing humans alllll the way up to 2000--attacking Daniel didn't stop him--he kept going for 30 years! Then in 2000 he suddenly stops? So it wasn't SanFran or Daniel that triggered Louis after the 70s and made them flee to Dubai, it was something else.

Also, for all their claims of wanting "privacy/anonymity," they definitely weren't HIDING in Dubai, not with their ostentatious lifestyle--using the Prime Minister's own illustrious Dr Fareed just to give Daniel meds--"you've got your own hangar at the airport, privileges on the Royal Meydan Bridge, and zero presence online. I know the Emirates are big on privacy, and that's probably important to you, but I gotta ask, what does it cost?..."

But it's certainly interesting that RJ chose Dubai as their modern home, since it only started being developed into a modern super-city of the UAE in the 1970s--right when Armand & Louis might've fled SanFran to live there. It certainly tracks with the real estate investments Armand made on Night Island in the 80s. Like Armand said: "Dubai is a child," and it's a HUNGRY, VAMPIRIC child at that, cuz the economy & real estate markets in Dubai literally SUCK.

But it took TIME for Dubai to become that glitzy nighttime city so attractive to vampires. If we consider all the iconic skyscrapers and Palm Islands and structures shown off in the pilot episode, ALL of those landmarks weren't constructed until the late 1990s-early 2000s. And remember what else happened in the 2000s?

Then there's the penthouse. According to Daniel, they're in the Al Sharaf Towers in Dubai--but unless Google's lying to me, there are no Al Sharaf Towers in Dubai. (And @eosphoroz did some pretty nifty super sleuthing about Armand's prayer location, too.)

In the original pilot script, the penthouse was actually in the JLT's Al Seef Towers, which actually DOES exist in Dubai, built in 2008--infamous for the FIRES started in the 20teens that made the JLT's buildings uninhabitable for almost a decade of repairs. 👀🔥

I wanna know why RJ changed the location/name of the tower!! 😭(This post gives a strong argument for why the April 2020 to June 2022 date was changed.) But it makes a lot of sense if they want to remove the penthouse from the temporo-spatial realities of Dubai, this liminal zone cocooning the vampires from the outside world by living in a fanciful Tower From Nowhere. But that's boring, since this show's paid so much attention to detail, and many other places they name-dropped really exist, like Polynesian Mary's. So I'm gonna just go with the penthouse being in a REAL building. Meaning:

after 1973 IMO Loumand was probably not in Dubai yet, and were likely still city-hopping. Daniel said the SanFran apartment they lived in was "a dump;" which tracks with book!Armand not being rich yet--they were both living like bums after Paris. (IWTV OG 70s interview)

~1985-1990s book!Armand took up treasure hunting, art theft, & real estate. Built Night Island in Florida, but soon abandoned it. (QoTD Devil's Minion era)

~1995 book!Armand attempts suicide after seeing Veronica's Veil (Memnoch/TVA era, meets Benji & Sybelle, lives in NOLA while Lestat's comatose).

~1999 book!Louis attempts suicide after his ghost!Claudia seance (Merrick era, but I highly doubt AMC is post-Merrick, cuz Louis burnt too easily in the sunlight to have gotten his vamp upgrade yet).

in 2000 Louis stopped killing humans again (WHY? And how well did he adapt to that diet with Armand, rather than Lestat? We saw how much Louis struggled to keep his energy up in the 1910s: "I tried to adapt to my new diet. I barely had the energy to hold up a book. My libido was not what it had been.") How long was it till they started keeping blood bags, hiring Damek & co., keeping Louis' favorite AB- "fresh from The Farm"?

How would 9/11 in 2001 affect Muslim!Armand? In the PL trilogy he owned Trinity Gate in NYC during the 20teens (briefly reunited with Louis before Louis left him to marry Lestat in RoA/BC). Trinity Gate was in Manhattan, where the Twin Towers fell. What kind of depression/existential crises does AMC's Armand face with American Islamophobia? Is THAT why they moved to Dubai? Finding a home that was safe for them BOTH in a post-9/11 world?

after 2008 Loumand moved into the (Al Seef/Sharaf) penthouse, even if they stayed elsewhere (in Dubai?) since the 70s. Did they hire that team of staff specifically to maintain the penthouse, or to help keep up the Rashid illusion only when Daniel arrived? (This was also likely when they started keeping The Farm, somewhere in the penthouse/tower presumably for on-demand drinks.)

The 1990s SUCKED for both Armand AND Louis, both driven to suicide during the events surrounding Lestat's coma. So I actually doubt it was the 1970s that broke Louis, but rather 2000 when he stopped killing--the turn of the millennia/century, which probably heavily impacted Louis' psyche, as the existential dread of living to 100+ badly affected his outlook on vampiric "life."

So I wouldn't be surprised if AMC's Loumand lived in NYC (a la Trinity Gate) after SanFran, and left America AFTER 9/11. Thus contextualizing Muslim!Armand's race & religiosity with real world events, the same way they did with Louis and the IRL race riots in Storyville. I could ofc be dead wrong, and S2 could confirm that they've been living in Dubai since the 70s this whole time.

But regardless, Dubai was obviously NEVER a healthy environment for either of them, especially not Louis--that dead, cold, dry desert wasteland of concrete minimalism & hypocritical elite extravagance. When Daniel asked Louis where his coffin was, Louis said "you're standing in it."

"Why did he come away with me afterwards?.... He remained with me because he had to do it. It was the only way that he could go on existing, and for death he has never had the courage, and never will. And so he endured after the loss of Claudia, just as I had endured through...centuries...but in time he did learn to be alone. Louis, my companion, dried up of his own free will, rather like a beautiful rose skillfully dehydrated in sand so that it retains its proportions, nay, even its fragrance and even its tint. For all the blood he drank, he himself became dry, heartless, a stranger to himself and to me. Understanding all too well the limits of my warped spirit, he forgot me long before he dismissed me, but I too had learnt from him.... I too went on alone--perhaps for the first time really and truly alone. But how long can any of us endure without another?.... We can't stand it, to be alone." -- Armand, TVA

Loumand's entire time in Dubai was built up on artifice--their relationship was withering on the vine, as Louis AND Armand were already spiraling by the time Daniel showed up. That's why Louis was so desperate to do the interview in the first place--"truth and reconciliation;" "you are chronicling a suicide!" (This is leading up to Merrick ISTG y'all....)

"It was the love of Louis which had at times crippled Lestat, and enslaved Armand. Louis need have no consciousness of his own beauty, of his own obvious and natural charm." -- David, Merrick.

Eff you, David, but YES, actually.

Cuz JESUS, this was the performance of the century, the Theatre would be proud--what were they even DOING with "Rashid"? That whole Penthouse was their stage--it's all FAKE--which is why I'm not buying Armand's explanation for "The Groan," either.

-- Rolin Jones

Daniel just forced Loumand to face bitter reality, that neither one of them wanted to admit about their pasts, present, or future.

But please understand, y'all, I'm NOT tryna be a mean-spirited Loumand "Bed Death Truther," claiming Louis & Armand are just perpetually platonic & miserable roommates. I DO think they were happy briefly--(in the books moreso in NYC at the Trinity Gate reunion than anything that happened pre-Merrick, while they were BOTH on the verge of suicide). They're BOTH walking around with untreated trauma, and their relationship was built on a stack of lies (thanks to Armand's culpability in Claudia's death).

So I smh at Loumand same as I smh at Loustat, cuz BOTH relationships were a frikkin WRECK--Daniel's right that the only relationship Louis needs is with a therapist! U_U

"Loustat suffered 7yrs of bed death & they're a literal pack of horndogs for e/o. 😅 Louis' depression (& diet) directly effect his libido. In the books Armand walked away once he realized he couldn't help Louis anymore. AMC's timeline's likely going in that direction. No way are Loumand by Ep7 & the S2 trailer the picture of a healthy thriving couple--they could be humping like rabbits and still be unhappy together. :( Like, I fully expect to see Loumand have a bubble of happiness together in S2--turning to him for comfort in 40s Paris. And we already saw them in SanFran cruising for thirds quite comfortably in the 70s. But something bad obviously happened to Louis by the time they got to Dubai--he is UNWELL, and this interview is unlocking way too many doors Armand obviously wants Daniel/Louis to keep closed. So even if it's not bed death YET, it's GONNA die--hence: Merrick." --Me.

Like, I'm lukewarm towards Loumand (at worst apathetic), cuz I know it doesn't LAST; and I know Louis was only with Armand out of necessity, cuz the books said so. I'm waiting on S2 to convince me otherwise.

#loumand #the vampire armand #louis de pointe du lac #the vampire chronicles #i hate math #iwtv tvc metas

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queenofcats17 · 1 year

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Perhaps instead of torturing Sammy he gets to be happy for once! Like, idk he goes to a music convention or something and some of his co-workers come with cuz they wouldn’t stop begging to come along lol

Oh, that's a wonderful idea!! Sammy deserves some nice stuff

Also I don't know about any music conventions so I just straight up made one up. I hope that's okay.

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Sammy was in a good mood.

Today was the first day of the Annual Music Symposium and he had been asked to give a speech on music composition.

Now, he wasn't just happy about being asked to give a speech, but it certainly made him feel even better. Although Sammy didn't like having too much attention on him, it felt good to be recognized for his hard work.

He always looked forward to the music symposium. It was an opportunity to talk to others who shared his passion for music and could understand his thought processes regarding composition and music theory.

"You're looking surprisingly chipper this morning," Jack remarked as he got into Sammy's car. He'd suggested he, Susie, Allison, and Sammy go over to the symposium together, and Sammy was the only one of them with a big enough car.

"Am I not allowed to be in a good mood?" Sammy asked, pretending to be offended. "Am I just supposed to be angry all the time?"

If it had been anyone else saying that, Sammy's words might have been genuine. But he and Jack had known each other long enough that he didn't mean any of it.

"Hey, that's not what I meant!" Jack laughed, gently slapping at Sammy's arm. "It's just nice to see you so excited! Doesn't happen all that often."

"True." Sammy nodded, pulling away from Jack's house.

"Makes it all the more special." Jack smiled softly, patting Sammy's shoulder. "Still can't believe they asked you to make a speech."

"My greatness is finally being recognized, as it should be," Sammy declared.

"As it should be," Jack agreed with a chuckle.

Susie was the next one to be picked up. As it turned out, Allison had gone over to Susie's house earlier that morning, so they didn't have to go to her house to get her.

As soon as Sammy's car pulled up in front of Susie's house, Susie came charging out. Both Sammy and Jack were initially rather worried about what this might mean, until Susie came over to Sammy's car door and demanded that he open it so she could hug him. Sammy obliged.

Once the door was open, Susie threw herself onto Sammy in a big hug.

"I can't believe they asked you to make a speech!" She squealed, bouncing up and down while she hugged him.

"It is pretty great, huh?" Jack leaned back in his seat.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Susie demanded, pulling back.

Sammy blinked. "I didn't?"

"No! You didn't! I had to find out from Allison!"

"Oh. I'm sorry." Sammy grimaced. "I thought I told you."

Susie narrowed her eyes, staring at him with her hands on his shoulders. It didn't take long for her to smile again, though, and return to hugging him. "You're forgiven!"

Sammy couldn't help but laugh. "Thank you, Susie."

"You're welcome," Susie said, kissing the top of his head.

Allison came out of the house a moment or two later, closing the door behind her.

"Congratulations, Sammy!" She said, coming around to give him a hug as well.

"How did you hear about the speech?" Jack asked as the two women got into the backseat.

"Oh, I saw it on a flier for the convention," Allison replied. "It was very prominently displayed."

That did make sense. Sammy's name carried quite a lot of significance in the music community. Of course they would want to advertise the fact that they'd gotten him to speak at the convention.

"I wonder if there will be people asking for your autograph," Susie remarked with a big grin.

This immediately made Sammy go bright red and he began to sputter and grumble.

"You think people will ask for yours?" Jack turned the question back on Susie, who stuck out her tongue at him.

"This is about Sammy, not me!"

"And I'm sure he'll get mobbed by fans too," Jack replied.

"Can we please not talk about me getting..." Sammy sighed heavily. "'Mobbed by fans'? It's embarrassing."

"But you deserve it!" Allison insisted.

"You do!" Susie agreed.

Sammy grumbled a bit at the compliments, but as he pulled away from Susie's house he was smiling. It felt good to be appreciated.

#bendy and the ink machine #fanfiction #sammy lawrence #jack fain #allison pendle #susie campbell

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kithtaehyung · 1 year

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so its one in the morning here in brazil, and i finally just read "you're next" and... yeah. so that's what wamrth feel like? cuz i feel so, so, so... hugged? there's this portuguese word im thinking of, and its acolhimento, but i just couldn't think of a way to translate it properly, so i figured id describe it to you.

saturday i felt happy. i was bubbly, giggling the whole day remembering the show, the documentaries that i was able to see completely and overall just really happy i got to spend a whole morning with bts. of course, i had to go to work soon after, but fuck it, i was so calm.

then monday came and yeah, we know how we all felt.

today, i came to your blog, and saw the post that you said you have plans to post 3tan9 around this week so i decided to make time to read the drabble before. i come across a bunch of things im used to from you: good writing, amazing control and crescendo of tension and expectation, taehyung being the best possible friend, funny and realistic dialogue, that even without the text i could just hear and know who's speaking. but then there's something else here. there's the teasing that leads to nothing but domesticity, the natural banter that leads to two people enjoying and sharing their foods in a public place, so comfortable with each other that dialogue, the exchange, is the mere company. not that it didn’t happen before, but for it to be at fall, in public and them acting so harmoniously... idk, it reminded me of the chapter they go for a walk and he kisses her in the swing, but here's just so much more intimate, so much more comfortable and maybe its cuz of the moment but idk??????

thing is, it just made me feel like there's always this place where, regardless of where bts is, we can always find them and connect with them. and idk, just to picture the reader and yoongi sitting down together in silence, eating like they're in some long term relationship brought such comfort to my chest, a reassurance that 3 tangerines will always be here, and so will our stories that they help us tell, and the inspiration they spark in us, how their message goes beyong themselves and idk 😭

urgh IM SO CHEESY, im really really sorry, i know i drag this stuff way too much, but your writing provokes me to such degree you have no idea??? id love for 3tan to be a physical book so i could put it up my shelf

enough.

just wanna add that your smut is always super sexy and jimin and taehyung make me wanna scream into my pillow all the time???!!

also, love to picture jimin and yoongi's interaction before jimin left to leave them be lol

again, ill eventually learn to be concise 😭 hope you’re doing well!!

just realized i forgot my train of thought, so point is: i felt acolhida, in the sense that this drabble hugged me and let me breath, made me smile and tighten my chest in a good way. and i feel like i can revisit it at any time and find that comfortable again and again. that's acolhimento thanks for coming to my long ass ted talk

LUAAAA oh my gosh here i am finally responding to stuff that you sent in months ago :'))) i can't fall this far behind on feedback again my goodness, i am so so sorry!

already off to an emotional start!! i'm glad you got that feeling from these drabbles.. they gave me that same feeling, and i'm happy that i now have the word to describe it<3 thank you so much for that! these were meant to be lighthearted, feel good pieces so i'm glad they turned out that way.

ah, yes. i do remember that this was around the time we were all feeling calm before the big storm. :(

first, this all put a smile on my face. if you're used to all of that, that means consistency and all of those are things i strive for! especially the writing and dialogue comments. wow, thank you again :'))

but then there's something else here. there's the teasing that leads to nothing but domesticity, the natural banter that leads to two people enjoying and sharing their foods in a public place, so comfortable with each other that dialogue, the exchange, is the mere company. not that it didn’t happen before, but for it to be at fall, in public and them acting so harmoniously... idk, it reminded me of the chapter they go for a walk and he kisses her in the swing, but here's just so much more intimate, so much more comfortable and maybe its cuz of the moment but idk??????

oh my gosh, sidewalk talk!! one of the chapters that will stay with me just from the atmosphere alone.. i think that one and fireworks have their own feeling that i dunno if i can truly replicate. it's the nostalgia, the suspension of time, everything that makes those chapters separate from the rest. idk. but yeah.

it's definitely intimate without trying to be! like they're just hanging out in public. but that's what makes this special. it's far from what they've been given and used to<3

okay now i'm just emotional because you're putting bts and 3tan in the same type of commentary and i'm just SDFKSD i'm tearing up?? like what an honor to even be compared to them. in any capacity. because bangtan is my comfort place and people, so for something i'm writing to be the same to someone else? that's a responsibility i will always be aware of and will hold close.

and you're right. 3tan will always be here. yoongi, reader, the friends, and even me through asks like these and responses to lovely reviews that y'all send in. we'll be here even when things are said and done. at least, that's exactly what i plan on.

i love it all, lua. trust me, even if you think it's cheesy i adore it endlessly, and no need to apologize for sending stuff like this at all. i think i will look into making 3tan a physical book, along with all the extras that i can possibly add!

just wanna add that your smut is always super sexy and jimin and taehyung make me wanna scream into my pillow all the time???!! also, love to picture jimin and yoongi's interaction before jimin left to leave them be lol

YAAAY glad you liked the smut despite it being short! and vmin.. god i love them. so, so much lol. yoongi's and jimin's interaction before he left? ahhh, it was definitely a short convo lmfao

again, ill eventually learn to be concise 😭 hope you’re doing well!!

I LOVE NOT CONCISE THINGS LOLOL i promise!! thank you so much again for everything you say. it makes my days brighter, for sure. i'm doing well and i hope the same for you!

#WHEWWW we're writing essays i love it!#lua!#lovely people #3tanfall:ab2 #asks:3tan #*ryenfictalk #mailbox💌#long post

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ruminate88 · 15 days

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TikTok keeps saying “Oh they’ll get justice it’s coming” 😢 but don’t you want to forgive them instead?

So okay… I’ve experienced “Betrayal Trauma”. I’ve been exploited by my “friend” Jake, he posted all my private photos on Twitter… he humiliated me and I was so ashamed of myself!! 😭😭😭 (I regret even sending Jake the photos but I trusted him and I had to accept what I had done but I also chose to let Jake go. I did not request punishment for him)

I’ve been ghosted by a guy named Cody, whom I believed was the most special person in my whole world!! I adored Cody but yet poof. He walked away without a goodbye. It was the biggest slap in the face for me. I did NOT understand how he could just walk away from me like that. However, I had to accept his choice and also walk away. I carried a burden of that for years. I felt cold and isolated after Cody but I could not change anything about the whole situation but rather understand Cody has internal issues and emotional barriers that prevents him from healthy relationships and it saddens me for him.

Finally, I was with a guy for over a year named Andrew and I believed I was falling so in love with him but then I caught him cheating with a friend of mine, he blamed me for it and couldn’t say he loved me. I broke up with him and he was a robot. NO EMOTIONS. Just blank. Then weeks after, tells me he “pretended all his feelings for me” basically telling me he lied about everything and nothing he said he felt for me originally was real. Sure… that was a gut punch!! A knife stabbed into my back 😭 That caused me to try to end my life 3 times. I was the worst version of myself and hated myself. I still couldn't stop loving Andrew though because love is sooo real. I didn’t want to hurt Andrew just because he was hurting me. 😔💔❤️‍🩹 (it’s possible Andrew also has emotional barriers)

DESPITE IT ALL… My feelings and love was genuine. I loved Andrew and wanted him to be okay; even while he’s inflicting pain on me. I don’t want evil done to him even if I believe he caused me great pain.

I believe in order to have forgiveness or mercy in your life, you have to be able to give it. I believe you reap what you sow or “get what you give”. I do believe unless you have forgiveness, you’ll get what’s coming to you. That’s super scary 😢😓 I am not perfect. I’ve made my share of mistakes and messes! I don’t want to reap my bad actions. I constantly ask for forgiveness from God, myself and others. I pray my exes want forgiveness and I want to give it to them ❤️‍🩹

Forgiving my exes doesn’t take away all the pain I feel from them and it does not change the past but it sets the path to a brighter future. I don’t trust my exes but I still love them. I do believe Andrew and Cody lied to me and were fake with me but my love was real. Andrew may have pretended to be sweet when we met so I would give him my nudes and I am sorry I gave him my nudes. I didn’t respect myself back then but I still care about his well-being. I think of both him and Cody all the time.

as for Jake, I hope good for him too. I don’t think of him as much cuz I long forgave him and decided I can’t ever trust his friendship but he’s totally free. Be out of my hair and just go enjoy yourself. Have a very happy and healthy life!!!

I wish the same for Andrew and Cody. Be safe, healthy and happy. I pray you fall in love and it’s real. I pray you have happy and healthy families. I miss you both every day and I’m sad to be without you both but it’s ok. I’m growing each day and I hope you are too ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 sure to get an apology sounds good in theory but only if you truly understand it and mean it. Don’t apologize just for my sake. I want it to be from your hearts cuz you both truly have made changes in your lives. I also apologize for anything I had done to you or by you. I’m sorry my love was not enough for either of you I really did try and give it my all ❤️‍🩹 (hope you realize how hard I tried for you both)

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stagemanagerssaygo · 4 years

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Heaven and Hell: or my experience being a person of color in Disney’s Hyperion Theater

by Cooper Howell

Heaven and Hell: or my experience being a person of color in Disney's Hyperion Theater. #holdingtheateraccountable Im just gonna go ahead and be straight up. This is pretty scary to share. HEAVEN: Once upon a time Liesl Tommy cast me as Prince Hans in Frozen: Live at the Hyperion. And I was gooped. GOOPED. There was nothing in my prior history that gave any indication this was possible. Up until then every role I played had to do with my race. Every. Single. One. And even ones where it didn’t (Shakespeare or classical pieces mostly) I was always made aware that the novelty of me being a poc in that role that gave me the part. So much did I not expect to get this part that when I got the callback I rolled my eyes and didn’t take the actual callback seriously. I mean, there was a zero percent chance that Disney would ever let me play a Prince, especially when the dude in the movie is a ginger. But then I got it. And immediately everything I thought was possible about my career changed. My whole life I’ve never inwardly felt black. I’ve never inwardly felt white. I’ve always felt like I was Cooper, you know, on the inside. But whether it was every single white human in Utah reminding me that I was “the whitest person they ever knew/saw” (which DIDNT mean how white my skin was. It was how white I ACTED) or Mr. Johnson, my 7th grade drama teacher, telling me that he “wanted to put Velcro on the ceiling to see if I’d stick” or Mr. Smith, my high school drama teacher, saying “finally we can do black shows” as soon as I entered high school and then not casting me in roles because of the "optics" of it, or even my best friend in high school Tanner Harmon who called me "blackie", I was always reminded that I was an other. So imagine getting paid good money to put on that $10,000 costume and waltzing out to 4000 people a day to play a really amazing part. A fantastic, evil, complicated, person who sings a killer duet and then grabs the show by the throat with a vicious about-face monologue... and not once was my race ever mentioned cuz it didnt matter. What was being prized was Cooper, my talent, not my skin color that I never asked for. Heaven. Liesl MADE SURE, almost overly sure, that the poc’s in the cast felt equal. The kingdom of Arendelle, after all, is a make believe place. It can be whatever. From having Disney executives come and tell us that they were happy to have us there, to side conversations with John Lasseter, we were made to feel overly welcome playing the parts we were playing. She encouraged us to dive deeper into the script of a cartoon that I didnt really think much of until I was in it. We were encouraged to ask why. We felt seen as talent and not commodities. There were, of course, detractors. Gosh, I remember people at a party of cast members from "Mickey and the Magical Map" another show at Disneyland which features a princess and the frog number and many of those casts mates angrily claiming that “if that black girl Tiana Okoye can play Elsa than I should be able to play Princess Tiana” and then looking at me to confirm that was okay to say, not realizing that a) she’s one of my best friends, b) that I’m in the show with her also playing a role that wasn't created to be a poc, c) how racist that sounded, and d) why there's a difference there and why that wouldn't make sense. On Liesls final night I came up to her and said “I don’t know why you did it but thank you so much for casting ME in this part” to which she replied “you mean why would I cast a handsome, talented person in this role?” And I stuttered something like “well, I mean, I’m black. You know...” to which she tilted her head to her side and said “no. I don’t know why. Tell me why that matters.” And I had no answer. Seeing that I had no answer she smiled. That was the answer. There was no reason. On the spot my outlook about myself changed. Windows into what I thought was possible for me opened. -------------------------------------- HELL: And then Liesl went back to NYC and she was replaced by a man named Roger Castellano as show director. Rogers task, he told us on the first day, was to "change the show". We were not told what needed to be changed or even why, but that changes were on the horizon. You've got to understand: to a full cast of actors who had just spent more than three months dissecting a 60 page Disney script with a Tony nominated director like it was Shakespeare, we were initially emotionally/mentally/spiritually resistant to changes. But then it became clear that the spirit of collaboration was over, and the show changes were to be given without the same care, consideration, and thematic explanation of why they were being made. Everyones initial reaction was to push back, but when people who questioned their notes or their changes started getting days removed their schedule or being replaced entirely by a new actor, the Hyperion theater became a place where no one was allowed to speak out. Injustices were happening left and right and no one felt they could do anything for fear of losing their livelihood. And that's when the Frozen: Live at the Hyperion became a living hell. In my first note session with Roger he pulled me into a room with Domonique Paton, my best friend and incredible costar who played princess Anna in the show I was in. She just so happens to also be black. Almost all of Prince Hans’s scenes in the show are with her character and so most of my notes would be primarily based on those interactions with her. Earlier in the day I performed with a different (white) actress but it was the show with Domonique that I had a note session about. Imagine my surprise and dismay when, with how Liesl set up the show experience, we were told this: “WHEN THE TWO OF YOU PERFORM THE SHOW TOGETHER ITS TOO… URBAN.” Urban. What else could that have meant, do you think? He could have said maybe “too contemporary” emphasizing that we were maybe too modern in our speech patterns or movements. We weren’t. He could have said “too lax” or “too loose” meaning that maybe we were being unprofessional and goofy up there because we’re really good friends. We were not. The best me and Ms. Paton could think of was a 8 count moment of improv dance that me and Domonique decided to use as a synchronized moment of unity. It happened to fall on the line “our mental synchronization can have but one explanation” and thought, with the freedom that Christopher (the original choreographer) had given us, was appropriate, especially considering everyone behind us was doing the robot. As in the 80s robot. But he didnt clarify. He just said “WHEN THE TWO OF YOU PERFORM THE SHOW TOGETHER IT’S TOO… URBAN” And when asked what he meant he smiled with a little shrug and said "you can figure that out. You're smart." And thats how I became Black Hans and Domonique became Black Anna. My every moment onstage afterwards became about the optics of being a poc in that show. It was if I was suddenly made aware that I was LUCKY enough to be there and under any normal circumstances, or this new directors circumstances, me getting this part would have never happened. But the message was clear. It was especially clear when me and Domonique Paton shows together durastically decreased and made even more clear when the vast majority of the new hires were not people of color. But no one said anything. And made even MORE clear when, over the next few weeks, both Domonique and I got COPIOUS notes, ten times that of our coworkers that played the same parts. It was almost a game. In fact we did turn it into a game, seeing who would get the least amount of notes from him in a day. Our costars would even joke about it onstage with us, during the ballroom scene, and jokingly whisper "The shows been up 15 minutes. How many do you think you got today?" But no one said anything. And the notes were about all kinds of things. How we held our hand. If our inflections went up or down on a word. Which side of a couch we leaned on… which was fine! When you're an actor, thats the gig... until we started comparing our notes with the actors that played our same parts and none of them, NONE, would get the same notes. Our notes would be outrageously longer, the note sessions sometimes lasting 10/15 minutes. Others would get the “Oh hey, try doing this or that next time, okay bye” walk-by notes. Sometimes I would sneak into the audience and watch as some of the other Han's, some of whom changed lines, changed entire intentions of scenes, some of whom adding in all types of vocalizations and cackles and dance moves and what have you, and would receive ZERO notes. But I was watching them to see what was wrong with me. What was my performance missing? What am I actually doing to feel this singled out. And then I realized that the thing that was wrong with me was that I was a different color than the 5 other white Hans's they cast. And then I started getting notes about my penis. Most of the time these “penis sessions”, as I called them, were given in private rooms without another stage manager present. It was incredibly unpleasant and unprofessional. In fairness, those Prince Hans pants are TIGHT! And yes, Mr. Howell is indeed a party in the front and a party in the back, but so were a lot of those fellas. And thats where I put my foot down. If Disney was going to provide me with a costume it is not my responsibility to fix their problem, especially when other of my (white) costars had been given a dance belt for the same thing. But they never got penis notes. Private session notes about what their penis looked like in that show. Over and over again I was told to fix it, to not make it (my dick) so apparent, and that “if my daughter were younger I wouldn’t want her to come to a show you were performing at" all the more insulting considering his daughter, a cast member in the show, was a friend of mine and the loveliest person. He started demanding that I buy a dance belt. It was “my fault”, “my responsibility” …and thats where I took my stand. And then it really became hell. Penis sessions were now done out in the open. Once, he screamed at me, in the green room in front of all of my costars during lunch, about how incredible unprofessional I was, about how he was tired of seeing my dick, and that if I didnt go buy myself one I didnt deserve to be there anymore. Followed by a huge litany of notes. That doesnt compare to some of what Domonique went through and I invite her to share them if she’s willing. During this time I went to every stage manager in the building and told them about being singling out and about my penis. They all told me to write a complaint report and it would go to some place called "HR". Which I did. Numerously. More months passed. Nothing from "HR". Multiple cast members who witnessed my note sessions encouraged me to go to the HR themselves. I didnt honestly know what an HR was. As soon as it was explained to me by my allies even what an HR was I went to the head of HR at Disneyland herself and waited outside of her door. I asked her if she got any of my HR reports and she told me that she had received no HR reports from the Hyperion. Ever. And then asked me to fill out a HR form. As we went over it, she asked me some questions, and then set up a second meeting. On the second meeting she said that in order for my report to be given credence I would need witnesses to give their testimony. The witnesses, in fact the very people that told me to go to HR in the first place, said no. They didnt want to lose their jobs. In retrospect that might be the thing that hurt the most but, whatever... anyway, I was told "“well… without testimonies we’ll do an investigation and we’ll call you when we’ve completed it.” I never received a phone call. With absolutely zero protection from the stage managers from both the sexual harassment or my obvious racial targeting I (and others) were experiencing, not to mention that HR reports were doing nothing, aka not being forwarded, I thought about quitting. And when a white stage manager made a show mistake and laughed it off to the cast by saying an entirely offensive lynching joke, I quit. I didnt matter to Disney. How I felt and what I was being put through didnt matter. I was a commodity. My departure was unceremonious. Bizarre. 100% un-magical. I hung up my costume one last time and it was given to a new Hans, one who looked very much like me oddly, and stepped out of the theater. The park was playing “every wish your heart desires will come to you” and I remember laughing at how dead that song felt. The director has since moved on but still works as a musical theater director in Southern California. This one time 4 years ago I got to feel something other than my color for the first and only time in my professional career. It lasted from about March 2016 to July 2016 and never again since. I will never forget in those early days looking at all the beautiful princesses I got to woo and thinking “wow. I’m a prince right now.” Im sure that sounds stupid. But it didn't feel stupid. And a Disney prince! Yeah, a shitty prince kinda... I mean, he's a sociopath... BUT still a Prince! Especially special was being able to look in Dominique’s eyes and I could see the same glimmer of “can you believe we get to do this right now” reflected back. We never knew it was in the cards for us. My race always has and will always be part of my career equation and a determining factor of its projection. It will always be a determining factor in how im treated, by creatives, by people, by the those in authority over me, including the government and the police. #wasitmyskin

Copied in its entirety here from Cooper Howell’s public Facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10163696376095054&set=a.10151302685610054&type=3&theater

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cherryatiny · 3 years

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𝐍𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬 - 𝐊.𝐇𝐉

⩥𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐞𝐫!𝐊𝐢𝐦 𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐣𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐠 (𝐀𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐳) 𝐱 𝐟!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⩥𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟, 𝐧𝐨𝐧-𝐢𝐝𝐨𝐥 𝐀𝐔

⩥𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟐,𝟏𝐤

⩥𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐜𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬, 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐬𝐡 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐲. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧?

⩥𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐩𝐬, 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩, 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬, 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐜𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐬, 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬, 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞-𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐩𝐬

⩥𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: 𝐍𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐲 𝐃𝐏𝐑 𝐈𝐚𝐧

⩥𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐜 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐲𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐢 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲. 𝐈'𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲, 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

08.09.2021

Opening the door to their shared flat with shaky hands, blood dripping down his knuckled, the blonde male almost collapsed on the floor, his weakened legs failing to support him any more.

With a loud bang, his body fell on the cold floor, alerting his [insert colour]-haired girlfriend, that ran to the hallway, being met with a sight of his bloody figure laying on the floor half-unconscious, she let out a sharp yelp.

The girl fell to the ground, shaking her partner's body, to get any reaction from him. „Ah Hongjoongie, who did you get into a fight with this time...“

Wrapping his arm around her shoulder, to help him lean on her so he could walk more easily, she directed her steps into the bathroom. Sitting him on its edge, she began to fill the bathtub with water, to wash off the blood and dirt of his body. „Y/N... I'm sorry“

Without words, she started unzipping his blood-soaked clothes, letting them fall to the ground, already used to having to deal with her boyfriend coming home almost beat-up to death.

Tears filled her eyes yet again as she thought about all those moments, where she was on the border of losing her lover. The aforementioned boy always just shrugging it off with cheap words of comfort.

And that's how their relationship went. He got into a fight, they argued, he felt guilty and made her a song, they made up, went through another short period of romance where they felt like those head over heels couples at the beginning of their relationship, and the endless cycle repeated itself once again.

Her partner undressed completely and sat in the bathtub, the water gaining a reddish tint from the blood that leaked from his wounds. Without a word, she got into the bathtub with him, not caring that her t-shirt or shorts would get soaked.

Grabbing a sponge that was laying near them, she rubbed the dirt off his body. Hongjoong inhaled, preparing himself to splash Y/N in apologies, but her voice cut him off.

„Please, don't make this harder than it already is, I don't need to hear your apologies, please just stay still until I clean you, so I can treat your wounds afterwards...“ Treating the fair skin of his hurt body, she sighed as she looked at her soaked clothes.

Does living like this even have a meaning? Does crying herself to sleep from how scared she is of losing her loved one when he doesn't even care, have meaning?

Sensing the broken expression in her deep eyes, his hand took her in his, playing with her fingers and kissing the top of her knuckles reassuringly.

„I'm sorry Y/N, I'm sorry for acting like a jerk and making you bawl your eyes out at nights. So many times I could've held on I still can't believe I left you alone. Left you alone to deal with all of this, when it's completely my fault. The fault of my inconsideration of your feelings. When you lie down tonight, please get a good sleep in which you forget of all those fights and stupid things I put you through. We'll start a new chapter, I promise.“

Liar.

These words of reassurance left his mouth every time he got into a fight and yet, it always happened again. Not being able to hold the tears in any longer, the clothed figure sitting next to him let out tears, pitiful whines leaving her lips.

„You say this every time, yet you always break the promise, so how can I believe you any longer?“

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

15.09.2021

Colourful leaves falling on the forest alley, the two jiggly walked down the path hand in hand, as they laughed and enjoyed each other's presence.

Approaching a small wooden bench, the two of them sat down on it, Hongjoong pulled his girlfriend into his lap, letting her back fall onto his chest, hugging her from behind.

The girl raised her legs and laid them on the bench, stretching them. Looking at her boots covered by the brownish mud, letting her head fall onto his shoulder. „Y/N?“ humming, she signalised him to continue with what he had to say.

„I made you a song. I realised how bad I was treating you, but I didn't know how to express my gratitude towards you and I'm sorry, I will sing this song to you. To tell you I really cared.“

His melodic voice audible for everyone passing them as he started singing, all the people just captured by those young lovers. Only if they knew, how heartsick their relationship was.

As his voice quietened, signalising the end of the song he composed for his girlfriend, he pulled her into a deep kiss, his hand holding her head in place, as his tongue explored all those forgotten places of her mouth.

„I hope you're not angry at me anymore.“ Shaking her head in disagreement, Hongjoong pulled the figure of his girlfriend into his embrace, hugging her tightly, to replace the warmness his heart couldn't give her, with his body.

„Let's go home, shall we?“ Taking her hand in his, the two of them got up from the bench, stretching their stiffened limbs for a bit. „Aren't you cold?“ looking at the shaking figure standing beside him, he pulled his brown trench coat off, laying it on his girlfriend's shaking figure.

Walking home hand-in-hand, the two of them lived through yet another episode of the cycle.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

21.09.2021

„You're unbelievable Kim Hongjoong! Oh god, I'm so stupid! I always put my faith in you, believing that your aims are sincere, yet you always disappoint me. You're never gonna change! I should just pack my things and leave, cuz it looks like my presence is annoying you. If it weren't for me, you could live your poor life peacefully, right? Getting into fights on daily basis, fucking whores you find on the streets and flushing it all away with nicotine and alcohol while dreaming of accomplishing something in your life, you would like that, right? You know what? I should do that right away!“

Dramatically spatting those words into his face, she turned on her heel with anger in her eyes ignoring the glasses Hongjoong threw against the wall near her to make her look at him. His hand gripping her wrist harshly, turning her back to face him.

„What the fuck do you think you're doing? You're not going anywhere!“ Disbelief filled Y/N's veins. Who was he to tell her what she can or can't do?

„What do I think I am doing? Leaving you, Kim Hongjoong. I can't express how much I hate you, I feel so stupid for letting you use me, I don't want to have anything to do with you!“

Hongjoong couldn't control his emotions any longer, letting his hand come in contact with his girlfriend's cheek, that will for sure leave a reddish mark on the spot.

Y/N yelped at the stinging pain of her boyfriend's hand slapping her cheek. Her hands caressing the hurt place as tears filled her eyes. Realising what he did, Hongjoong's eyes immediately softened, ready to comfort and apologize to his girlfriend. But it was too late...

„Leave the fuck out of my flat! I never want to see you again, we're done. Did you hear me well? We're done, there's not any us anymore, and I'll never be your girlfriend again Kim Hongjoong, actually..., I hope I never see you again!“

Motioning with her finger to the door, she signalised for him to leave, not wanting to look at him any longer, she left the room and locked herself in the bedroom, falling on the bed and bringing her knees to her face, nuzzling her face into the created space, bawling her eyes out.

Absorbing the said words, Hongjoong finally understood the weight of his actions, this time it was really the end. Smashing the front door loudly enough for the crying woman to hear, he dived into the darkness on the streets.

As he walked down the empty streets, recalling all the things that happened, he couldn't help but start crying himself. Sitting down in the middle of the road, not caring if any car drove him over anymore. Life without his lover was meaningless for him...

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

18.11.2021

Sitting down on the metallic fence near the train station, he pulled the lighter out of his denim jacket, lighting the addictive stick in his shaking hands. Inhaling the relieving substance, he sighed, trying to pour the stress of his mind.

The first weeks after the break up with his past lover Y/N were hard, he lost faith in everything, barely living through, he then met a couple of boys that helped him get back on track. They put a roof over his head and helped him pursue his dream of becoming successful in music, he was truly thankful towards them.

Taking another inhale, he looked around, observing the people that were approaching the train station. Thinking about how all of them were hiding a different story, his eyes fell on an oddly familiar figure.

The figure he thought he would never see again. As the girl turned around, trying to figure out where to go, her eyes fell on him, locking eye contact.

He heard that Y/N was leaving town in a few days, pursuing her happy ending in a new place. A place that didn't wound her as much as this one did. Hongjoong smiled at her, his eyes motioning for her to come over.

With a hesitantly uncomfortable look in her eyes, she approached his figure that was still sitting on the fence, scared as to what might happen. „Y/N, long time no see.“ smiling at him lightly, she looked down rather than to look to those eyes she once loved.

„Hey girl, I heard you seem to be happy now,... how you doin'? I heard you're leaving town,... it might not matter now, but maybe it worked somehow, but I really changed this time. I know you have no intention of coming back to me and I can't blame you for that, but I couldn't live peacefully if I didn't say my sincere apology to you for the last time. I lived horribly before, but I found people who helped me and now I'm living a life that I enjoy. That's what I tell myself: she'll never know how much I wished I never let you go. Thinking of this, it tore me down to pieces.“

Looking at him with glistening eyes, she could hear the sincerity in his words for the first time in a long time.

„Ah yes Joong, you're right, I'm leaving town soon, starting a new life somewhere else. I may seem happy now, but it's not like that all the time, some wounds take time to be healed, but I'm better, how about you? I'm pleased to hear that you decided to change your life and I'm sorry for letting you go without giving you space to explain yourself, but you must understand it had to be done. Our relationship was hatred and it was destined to break sooner or later.“

Nodding in agreement to her aching but truthful words, he took an inhale from his cigarette for the last time, throwing the cigarette stub onto the ground and stepping on it to smoosh it.

„Don't worry 'bout me 'cause I'm doing fine. Although the first weeks afterwards, I came to the street you live in every day, just standing there in front of your flat and looking into the room we once shared. But I'm doing fine, girl, I swear it's not a lie.“

„I saw you a few times, the smoke coming from your cigarettes always reached my window, that's when I immediately knew you were there...so you came around my house, and you left your marks with your fingertips, I was always thinking: I'm sitting where you sat down and now he's looking for something meaningless... I'm getting a little nervous talking to you... it feels like I'm getting to the surface“

Absorbing each other's words, the two of them stood opposite of each other, their heads tilted down, as they regretted their past manoeuvres. He's getting a little nervous and she's finally getting to the surface.

„I got a little nervous of running back to you when you weren't there Y/N.. and I'm sorry, I was hurting too much to know, that you were standing right there. And I'm sorry, when I left you all alone, girl. It's time I should probably let you go and forget about a jerk who hurt you as much as I did. I know that wasn't fair 'cause I loved you. He loved you, the man who you hate sincerely loved you, even though he didn't express it in time...“

„Bye Kim Hongjoong. Stand tall and pursue your dreams.“ Bidding goodbye to her for the last time, he watched as his lover disappeared in the span that was separating them.

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kalimagik · 4 years

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Not A Movie...Right?

Harry Potter x Reader

Word Count: ~7,400

Warnings: Some cursing, mentions of sex, but that’s the only time the word is used....

A/N: Soooo, here’s a fic I wrote that isn’t based on a song! (Look at me trying to expand!) It’s got angst, tears, strong women standing by each other, oblivious Harry, and then fluff at the end cuz I love me a good happy ending... If you enjoy it, like, reblog, comment, or follow! You can also send me a message if there is something you’d like to see me post! still new on here, so I’m open to pretty much everything! Happy reading <3<3

*not my GIF - credit to owner

The corridors were empty, the classrooms were quiet, and the students were busying themselves outside, well most of the students. Y/N dragged her feet down the hallways, avoiding the windows, she didn’t want to be seen by the other students. Why be lost in conversation when she was lost in the thoughts that had been consuming her brain?

Had she made a mistake? Was it stupid to get everything off of her chest? It had been four years after all, right? It was okay to feel these things. She’d hid them for as long as possible, she tried to at least. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him, but maybe he shouldn’t have kissed her after the quidditch match. Didn’t he know that would completely scramble her brain? He knew her! At least, she thought he knew her.

“Y/N? What are you doing?” Hermione called from a little bit ahead.

Y/N looked up for her eyes to meet her best friends’ right away. The brunette knew something was wrong, she’d barely seen Y/N in the last week.

“We’ve been outside all day. It’s so nice and you told Ron that you were going to meet us out there. I didn’t even see you this morning. What’s going on?” she prodded, knowing that there was something more happening with her friend.

Y/N couldn’t look at her. She knew that tears would start rolling down her face the moment she did. Yes, Y/N normally told Hermione everything, but she hadn’t told her about this yet and she’d been dealing with it all herself. So, maybe she should tell her?

“Y/N/N…Please talk to me!” Hermione’s voice begged. Y/N finally looked up to see the concern in her friend’s face. “Oh common!” Hermione rushed to Y/N and pulled her hand until they were at the Gryffindor Common Room and climbing the stairs to their shared dorm room. Of course it was empty, everyone was enjoying one of the few nice days that Hogwarts saw.

Once in the comfort of her own room, Y/N started to sob. How did she start to explain what had happened? Before she had to, Hermione spoke up.

“Y/N/N. I know this has something to do with Harry. You never act like this. You’ve been up early for breakfast every morning and leave by the time I get down there with the boys. Sometimes Ron gets there early enough to see you, but then you leave before he can have a full conversation. You don’t speak during lessons and you’ve been sitting in different seats. Y/N/N, you sat with the SLYTHERINS the other day! You’re obviously avoiding him!”

Y/N just looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap.

“What happened? Please? You normally tell me this stuff. We’ve talked about all of your other boys before. I know that you like him. You may have not told me, but I am observant. I did notice. Just talk to me!”

Taking a deep breath before she started talking, Y/N began the story.

“It has been going on all year, ‘Mione. Remember when we first got back to school and we had that huge party after quidditch tryouts? Well, Harry and I just went and got some air. We were talking like we always do. You guys became my best friends in our second year, so it was easy. And it was probably the fire whiskey, but Harry started talking about how great I was. He was all of course I’ve had a crush on you before! You’re exactly my type and fun and cute. And I just sat there listening and thinking. And it was just nice to hear, but then I realized something. I could have always fallen for Harry so easily, but I always kept myself from doing it. I didn’t want to because I knew it would be too big for me. But, he, he opened the gates. It’s his fault, ‘Mione!” Y/N could feel her voice raising as she thought of how stupid she had been.

Hermione looked at the 6th year girl, whose eyes were puffy and red, whose lips quivered as she thought about everything. Hermione didn’t want to push her anymore, but she knew that Y/N needed to get it all out. She’d been holding it in for too long and it was affecting how she was in school and with her friends and as a person.

After giving Y/N a few moments of silence, Hermione spoke up. “So, what happened then?”

“Well, I started letting myself fall. I was such a git! And I wanted to spend so much time with him and be around him. I mean, I always was, but it just felt different now. I wanted to be close to him and touch him and it just felt different. And he was different too! He was attentive and seeking me out and yeah…” Y/N paused as she thought. Thinking about what happened.

“‘Mione,” Y/N whispered, “we snogged. A lot. And it went further than that. And – and I thought we were on the same page, but then he said he just wanted to stay friends because he didn’t want to ruin what we had…”

“HE DID WHAT?!” Hermione howled. Y/N could see the rage building up on her face. She knew maybe she shouldn’t have said that.

“ ‘Mione, please don’t get mad. Don’t yell. Don’t get mad at him. It’s already happened. I made the same decision he did. Plus, I told him it was okay. I told him I was fine, so I messed up. I didn’t check and make sure we were on the same page…” Y/N tried to explain.

“This is not your fault! Why is he so daft! Why would he do that! He did that AND THEN said he didn’t want to mess up the dynamic?”

“Well yeah, but he’s a boy, it's fine. Seriously.”

“Fine. I won’t yell at him yet. When did this all happen?”

Y/N bit her lip, thinking. Everything seemed to always blend together. “Two months ago, maybe…”

“Y/N! It’s April now…What happened next?” Hermione asked, knowing the story wasn’t over.

“Well, you know the quidditch match two weeks ago? When they beat Hufflepuff?” Y/N asked, wiping her eyes.

“yeah….”

“Well, I thought I had come to terms with everything by then. I went on that date to Hogsmeade and even though Zacharias Smith was an ass after, it was still nice when we went.”

“Okay? I knew that. He was an ass…”

“Yeah, exactly. Well, then the match came and they won and I didn’t get to see Harry because the people were just crowding and I couldn’t get to him. So, I waited for everyone to come out of the changing tents so I could congratulate our friends.. Well, Harry was the last one to come out and he was so excited that he kissed me. And I pretended I was fine because I couldn’t go through the ‘we’re just friends’ talk again. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about it after that. All the feelings that I gated off flooded right back in because it just felt right! He held me in a way that no one ever has and his lips just felt right. I couldn’t stop it!” Y/N was gasping, reliving what she had been avoiding.

“But, you’ve only been acting strange for a week. What changed between then and now?” Hermione asked. She’d been nodding along since Y/N started. She was thinking a lot and felt pretty angry, but she was keeping her anger at Harry hidden for Y/N’s sake.

“Well, I became overwhelmed. It’s all I could think about. It didn’t feel fair because I didn’t get to say what I really felt. I just took everything in. So, I worked up a little bit of courage and I told him how I felt last week. I said everything. I wrote it down and I just told him! But, but, but he didn’t say anything back. And when I saw him the next day, he just acted normal and as if nothing happened and I couldn’t do that! I couldn’t, ‘Mione…” Y/N felt the tears begin to swell up along the edges of eyes.

“Wow…he hasn’t said anything?”

Y/N shook her head.

“And you’ve just been dealing with it and acting as normal as possible?”

Y/N nodded.

“But, you’ve still been avoiding him and he hasn’t said anything.”

“I don’t think that he noticed,” Y/N said. “Of course, I haven’t seen him to know whether or not he has.”

Hermione thought for a second. She knew that Harry hadn’t said anything to her about Y/N not being around, so either it wasn’t bothering him or he didn’t notice. Ron was always slightly oblivious, so he didn’t completely understand what was going on, but he knew Y/N hadn’t been around as much. Hermione could tell Y/N this, but she didn’t want to be the one to break her friend’s heart, no matter how honest she wanted to be with her. She couldn’t do it.

“Do you want me to ask him what he’s thinking?” Hermione asked timidly.

“NO!” Y/N spoke louder than she had in a while. “I don’t want him to know I told you. ‘Mione, I’ve been thinking a lot. Harry not saying anything to me is an answer. He doesn’t want me… I can’t keep walking around here thinking that he’s just going to run up to me and tell me that he loves me. That only happens in the movies and this isn’t a movie. I need to just move on, but I needed a little bit of time before that. I needed to come to that decision myself.” Y/N tried to explain, with pleading in her eyes.

“I get that, but it isn’t fair to you…You deserve to be so happy!” Hermione argued.

“But, it doesn’t look like I’m going to get that from him…”

Hermione couldn’t hear it. This whole situation was ridiculous! Harry couldn’t just not say anything. If she had been in that situation, she wouldn’t have taken it! But what could she do? Y/N didn’t want her to get involved.

Y/N spoke up, breaking Hermione from her internal thought process. “I told you ‘Mione, I just need to give myself some time to move on and I can’t do that when I’m seeing him every day.”

“That makes sense, but I miss you! Can you please just be around more. I can stay away from him. Plus, we have to start studying for exams soon anyways. I just want to spend time with you!”

“I’m sorry you got caught up in all of this. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’m always going to worry about you!” Hermione assured her friend, fighting the internal struggle about what to do. She could do what Y/N asked and just leave it be, but that didn’t feel right. Boys this year were just messing everything up.

“I know. But we only have like two months of school anyways. It’ll be fine.” Y/N waved off whatever she was feeling, wiping away the few stray tears.

Hermione nodded, knowing there was nothing else she could do in that moment. So, she spent the rest of the day with Y/N. She convinced her to walk around and go out to the courtyard for a bit. Everyone else was on the grounds, so it was clear. They did run into a few Hufflepuff girls, but it was fine interacting with them.

Being a Sunday evening, the girls knew that they had a busy week, so they headed to the Common Room after a short dinner. A Harry free dinner of course.

“You go up, I need to gather some books from the Common Room,” Hermione said as Y/N went to the steps for the dormitory.

“Okay!” Y/N waved as she went up to their room.

Hermione looked around. She knew it wouldn’t be long before the boys got back from dinner. Hermione noticed on her way out that Ron and Harry ate with the other boys in their dorm tonight. She waved, but only Ron saw her. Y/N was walking out of the Great Hall so quickly that she didn’t have time to stop and say hi.

She dawdled picking up what she could, taking her time. She’d just tell Y/N that she realized she had to finish an essay if they took much longer. But, as if on cue, the portrait door swung open and in walked 5 boys. Seamus, Neville, and Dean stumbled up the dormitory stairs while Harry and Ron walked towards where Hermione was standing over her books.

“Where have you been?” Harry asked casually.

Hermione felt the fire inside of her flare, but she responded as calmly as possible. “I’ve been with Y/N for most of the afternoon and evening.”

“Blimey! So that’s where you went! We sat by the lake forever and figured you just went to do an assignment,” Ron shrugged as he turned.

“No, I went to find our other best friend. I haven’t seen her nearly at all this week and Ron said she was coming to the lake, but when she didn’t, I went to find her unlike you two blathering gits!” Hermione raised her voice.

Ron and Harry looked at her confused. “What are you talking about, ‘Mione?” Ron questioned.

“Have you two noticed nothing?! She’s never at breakfast with us, she skips meals, she hasn’t sat with us in lessons all week! We haven’t had our best friend! Ron, you’ve been so caught up with your break up and you, Harry, with that stupid book! We’re losing her!”

Now, the boys looked concerned. Hermione did raise her voice at them quite often, but something about this was different.

“What is wrong with you, Hermione?” Harry spoked up.

“You of all people should know!” Hermione spat before picking up her books and heading towards the stairs.

Ron looked at Harry with so much confusion in his eyes. “What’s she talking about?” he asked.

Harry stood there for a moment before he called after Hermione. “Wait! Come back here!”

Hermione stopped at the bottom of the stairs, taking in a deep breath before turning around. “What?” she responded sternly.

“Can you just tell us why you’re so angry?” Harry asked, trying to get a little more information out of her.

“It’s not my place,” Hermione barked. “Besides, it could be more efficient for me to just not say anything at all. Then I’ll just act like everything is normal!” With that small jab, she stomped up the stairs to her bedroom. She promised Y/N she wouldn’t say anything and she didn’t really. Not out right.

Hearing the door slam, Ron turned to Harry aghast. “What was she blithering on about? Bloody hell!” He ran his fingers through his hair.

“Fuck!” Harry cursed, when it dawned on him why she was so angry.

“I mean, I know Y/N’s been out of sorts this week, but she gets like that sometimes. I figured it was just that thing that happens to girls every month.” Ron rambled on, not hearing Harry. “Sure, she seemed a little more rushed and like she just wanted to be alone. I didn’t think it had anything to do with us.”

“It didn’t have anything to do with us, Ron. It had everything to do with me,” Harry flopped onto the couch as he slapped his hand over his face.

“What are you talking about?” Ron asked stupidly.

“I was an idiot! How couldn’t I have noticed that she was avoiding me?”

“What?” Ron asked again.

“Whenever you were at breakfast early this week, did you see Y/N?”

“Yes? But..”

“And did she always leave right before Hermione and I got there?” Harry cut him off.

Ron sat on a chair near Harry, thinking about the past week for a moment. “Now that you mention it, I guess she did. I thought she just had assignments to get ahead on. You know how her and Hermione can be…What are you thinking about, Harry? Come off it!”

“I’m an idiot!” Harry stood up quickly and rushed towards the stairs.

“Harry, you know that’s not going to work…” Ron called as he heard the stairs turn into the slide to keep the boys out of the girls’ dormitory.

“But, I’ve got to get up there! I’ve messed up Ron!”

“You could send her a note. It's only 7:15. I bet you could make it up to the owlery before curfew,” Ron suggested, getting comfortable.

“Ron! That’s brilliant!”

Before Ron could continue, Harry was out of the portrait hole again.

“OR!” Ron tried to call after him, “or you could wait until one of the other girls comes back and give them a note for Y/N…” Ron finished. “What the hell is going on with everyone?” Ron wondered as he placed his hands behind his head and relaxed in front of the fireplace.

______________________________________________________________________________

“What took you so long, ‘Mione?” Y/N asked when she came out of the bathroom to see Hermione just putting her books down.

“The boys came in while I was gathering my things,” Hermione responded truthfully, not knowing how her friend would respond.

“Oh…” Y/N faded off. “Did they have a good time at dinner?” Y/N asked, trying to be as normal as possible.

“Yeah, they did. We didn’t say much about dinner though.”

“Oh? What did you all talk about?” Y/N questioned as she moved around the room, pulling on her pajamas and hanging up her towel.

“Well, they asked where I went and then I kind of got angry with them…” Hermione tried to look innocent.

“Mione?” Y/N was now getting worried. “Why would you get angry?”

“I just, they asked where I went and I said to find you and then I got mad that they hadn’t noticed how you had been acting all week and…and _ I –” Hermione cut herself off to look up at Y/N just in time to see a horrified face. “Don’t worry! I didn’t say anything about what you told me! I can hold my tongue at least that much. But, I may have made a slight comment just to get him thinking…”

“YOU DID WHAT?” Y/N yelled, dropping everything in her hands.

“I don’t know if he got it. Ron was blabbering like an idiot when I came up the stairs. I just think that he owes you something! You are friends, at least! Maybe he just didn’t realize how he felt about you…” Hermione tried to explain.

“Mione! Now he knows that I’ve been sulking over him all week! He may be daft, but he’s not THAT daft!”

“But, you deserve to get something!” Hermione yelled out.

Luckily, it was early enough that the other girls weren’t back to the room just yet, so Y/N had a moment to compose herself. She really despised whenever Lavender tried to act like her best friend and comfort her. It was really the worst and just awkward. That all started when Ron and Lavender dated and Y/N wound up around her more often than she would have liked. Whenever she was with Harry and Ron and Lavender always popped up to be with Ron. It was the worst.

“What am I going to do now? I was so close to moving on, Hermione! Common!”

“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry, Y/N/N! But, someone needed to do something. He needs to talk back so that you can actually get some closure!”

“What did I tell you earlier! This isn’t a fucking movie! Merlin! I just wanted to move on before being around him all the time again, okay? Now I’m going to need to keep doing what I’ve been doing for a week!” Y/N ranted as she paced back and forth across the floor.

Hermione sat there silently, realizing how what she did may have been stupid, but she was going to continue to defend her actions. “Y/N/N, I’m going to tell you this again. He needs to say something. You can’t just let him off the hook. He’s being an idiot! And –”

Hermione was cut off by a light tapping at the window. The two girls turned to see a white snow owl.

“Hedwig?” Y/N was startled as Hermione went to open the window to let the owl in.

“She has a note tied to her leg…” Hermione noticed. “It’s for you.”

“He wrote me a note?” Y/N questioned.

“Maybe he realized that he was being an idiot. What’s it say?” Hermione asked as she handed Y/N the note and sat down next to her.

Hedwig flew over and hooted happily as Y/N unconsciously petted her, holding open the letter to look at Harry’s tiny, scribbled handwriting.

“What’s it say?”

“Give me a second! I need to decipher his writing,” Y/N trembled.

Y/N looked down at the note. It wasn’t long, it was straight forward.

“He wants to talk to me…” Y/N sat the note down and stood up suddenly, pacing around again. Hermione picked up the note and quickly scanned it.

“Y/N/N, he’s pretty much pleading for you to come downstairs right now. I bet he just ran all the way to the owlery to send this and get back in time.”

Y/N stood there thinking, not sure what to do, but before she could speak anymore, the dorm door flew open.

“Why was Harry so out of breath?” Parvati wondered out loud as her and Lavender discarded their things onto their beds. The two were giggling.

“What’s going on up here?” Lavender asked, trying to read the room.

“Nothing!” Y/N blurted quickly, knowing that Lavender wouldn’t ask Hermione for any details. The two hadn’t spoken in weeks. Before she knew what she was doing, she swept to the still open door. She didn’t know why she was going so quickly, but she forced herself to slow down when she was about halfway down the steps. She couldn’t seem too desperate. She had “moved on,” remember.

As she went to take the last turn, she practically stopped. She could hear the soft voices of the boys that she knew so well.

“Do you think Hedwig got her attention?”

“Mate, you haven’t even told me what’s going on,” Ron pointed out.

Y/N inched a little further down, trying to hear better.

“I’ll tell you once I know what’s going on!” Harry practically exploded. He’d gotten better at that from last year, but his temper still spouted from time to time.

Y/N felt her heart constrict. Was that good or bad? She moved forward just a little bit more as Harry had lowered his voice again. But, she must’ve gone a little too far and her foot slipped off the edge of the step. She felt her torso follow quickly after, tumbling down the last stairs and onto the Common Room floor.

“uhhh, hey guys…” Y/N felt her cheeks heat up. Thinking quickly, she added, “I just left something down here…” Maybe she couldn’t do this. She’d already poured her heart out over a week earlier. She couldn’t go through the pain again.

When she finally stood up, she realized that her fall must’ve caused both boys to jump out of their seats.

“What are you guys doing?” she tried to ask as normally as possible.

“Ummmmmm…well, look at the time! I’m going to go to bed!” Ron spit out quickly, lifting his arms and pretending to yawn. “Goodnight!”

Y/N watched helplessly as the only buffer in the room left. Now what was she going to do?

“Y/N?” Harry spoke up, Y/N still looking at the stairs Ron had just ascended.

“Uhhhh, hi? I’ll just grab that thing that I forgot and get out of your way.” Y/N looked around, trying to find something in the Common Room that she could claim as hers.

“I can help you look. What did you forget?”

Shit! Y/N thought to herself. Why was he so helpful?

“I didn’t forget anything, Harry.” Y/N sighed. “I – I got your note. Hedwig popped in upstairs…”

“Oh? You did? Good. That’s good because I wanted to talk to you about the other weekend and this week.”

“You really don’t have to, Harry. I know Hermione put you up to this. It’s fine. I told you that last week. There’s nothing to talk –”

“Y/N, will you just let me say something?” Harry interrupted. Y/N closed her mouth and nodded.

“Hermione didn’t put me up to this. I should have realized that something was wrong all week. I’m just blind and an idiot and I’ve been busy and…” Harry looked up to see Y/N looking at the ground. “That’s beside the point and not an excuse. I should have said something last week when you opened up to me.”

Y/N lifted her eyes from the floor for a moment, waiting to hear what else he had to say because as of that moment, she did not have any words that would fit in quite yet.

“I did the worst thing possible for that situation. I’m sorry, but I thought everything was normal between us, at least, I let myself think that.”

Y/N couldn’t handle the rambling anymore. “What do you want to tell me, Harry? I should really get back upstairs. I can’t go through this again. Stop dragging it out!” Well that was courage that she didn’t know she had.

“Right, I’m sorry. I guess what I want to say is that I really didn’t know what to say then. You caught me by surprise…” Y/N stared at him. She obviously already knew this and at this point, the situation was just getting irritating. Was he going to break her heart or not?

“In reality, I’m just scared. We’ve been friends for so long. How do you stop being friends and begin being more than that? I don’t know. No one I know seems to be figuring it out,” he added in, rolling his eyes. Y/N couldn’t help but giggle. She knew he was talking about the undiscussed feelings between Ron and Hermione.

“And you’re just amazing at everything you do. I’m not. You deserve so much more.”

Y/N’s heart panged at his words. Of course he was going to break her heart. Why did she bother getting her hopes up even slightly?

Harry must’ve noticed the sudden change in demeanor of the girl standing a few meters away from her. He knew he needed to change his tactic. “You care so much about everyone that you love. I don’t know if I could be enough for you.”

“HARRY!” Y/N just couldn’t take it anymore. “These all sound like excuses and ways for you to soften the blow. Just tell me that you don’t want to be with me so that I can go back to moving on like I was trying to do for the past week, for the past two months really!!” Her heart raced and she could hear the blood pounding in her ears. Couldn’t she just go back upstairs and flop on her welcoming bed?

Harry stood, speechless for a moment too long. Y/N huffed and turned to go upstairs. This really wasn’t a great way to start her week, so why prolong it? But, before she could reach the steps, a hand wrapped around her wrist, pulling her back. Y/N closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was not going to cry.

“That’s not what I want though!” Harry blurted once Y/N turned to face him. “Y/N, I care about you so much. And I told you! I’m scared! These feelings scare me. What if something happens to you? It will all be my fault! I could never forgive myself.”

Y/N instinctively bit her lip, taking in his words. What could she say to that? She still wasn’t sure about any of this. Why had he waited a whole week?

“Say something?” he asked, eyes wide and looking at her hopefully.

“Oh? Say something? Maybe I should just nod and walk away. It seems to be really effective in avoiding situations,” Y/N scoffed. She could feel her walls going up. She knew she had avoided these feelings for so long and this was why.

“I was an idiot, Y/N! How was I supposed to tell you that? It would’ve just been easier to pretend that there was nothing between us. Then I wouldn’t have to think about what I’m feeling, let alone how I could potentially hurt you.”

Y/N could hear the sincerity in his voice.

“I don’t know what you want me to say now, Harry. You hurt me. You played with my heart all year. You had me thinking there was something when we were ‘just friends’ according to you. That hurts!” Y/N felt her voice waiver, but she was still set on not crying. She’d done more than enough of that.

Harry looked shocked. This was not what he was expecting obviously. Just a week ago, the girl of his dreams told him that she had feelings for him and he was too daft to say anything back. He screwed up, badly.

“My thoughts exactly,” Y/N spit as she began to pull away from him.

“No, wait. Don’t go.”

“What else is there to say?” Y/N asked, throwing her hands out to the side.

“Say, say that you still love me like I know you do. You may not have used those words, but I know you do. So that I can tell you that I love you and didn’t mean to play with your heart. It wasn’t fair of me because I didn’t know what to do with my own heart. And then I could pull you in and kiss your lips like I’ve wanted to again since two weeks ago, but didn’t.”

Y/N looked right into Harry’s green eyes. They looked as desperate as she had felt coming down the stairs earlier.

“Please, Y/N/N?” Harry asked again. “Please, because I love you…”

Y/N felt every time her chest rose and fell. She wanted this. She had wanted this for so long and now, here he was, fighting for her. It was literally like something she would see in one of those muggle movies, but why couldn’t she do it?

“Harry, I want to say it. I want to be in this moment with you. I haven’t wanted anyone like I’ve wanted you in so long, but you broke me. How can I trust that you aren’t going to want to be ‘just friends’ again next week?”

“You can trust me. I’m your best friend. You’ve always trusted me. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you went out with Smith. I did. And it made me so mad that it wasn’t me!” Harry continued to argue and explain. He realized that he should have said this all to you months ago.

Y/N sucked in a large amount of air, pulling her mouth muscles into her usual thinking face. What should she listen to? Her heart or her head. One telling her that this would be great and that they would be great together. The one telling her that this was what she had been wanting all year. Then there was the other side warning her that this could end in her hurt in just a few days. He didn’t seem so sure a week ago, why was he so sure now when he didn’t even realize how she was acting throughout the week?

Y/N looked down to where he was still holding her wrist. This wasn’t right. He should have found her days ago and said this. Or he should have said this when she poured herself out to him. He had every moment to do that!

Y/N shook her head. She had been right to tell Hermione earlier that this wasn’t a movie. It just wasn’t. He broke her trust and he broke her heart. But, she wasn’t going to do to him what he had done to her. She was going to tell him. She was going to break her own heart. And most importantly, she was going to give herself the chance and the opportunity to finally move on. Only she was going to be able to make that decision for herself.

“Harry, I just can’t do it. I dreamed about you coming to me, but it just doesn’t feel genuine. If this is how you actually felt, you would have said it last week. You aren’t that oblivious. You knew that was your chance if you wanted it too. I can’t just take you and pretend that you haven’t hurt me. Our chance is over. I’m sorry.”

At the end of her words, she looked up to meet Harry’s watering eyes. She’d seen so much joy in them in the past, but now all the pain in them was because of her. She couldn’t do it anymore. She needed to get out of the Common Room, but go where? All of her roommates were upstairs and it was well after curfew. Honestly, leaving and facing the possibility of detention sounded a lot better than a room full of girls.

“I– I have to go.” She pulled her wrist out of Harry’s grip and darted sideways towards the portrait hole. She flew out, not even stopping to see if the Fat Lady saw her, and climbed the stairs. She found herself in a 7th floor corridor before she even stopped to look around.

With eyes threatening to spill tears at any moment, Y/N fell to the floor. I just need somewhere to cry – she thought to herself as she began to sob. That’s when she felt the wall behind her start to shift. A small door appeared and without looking Y/N crawled inside. Once the door closed, she let her head rest against it and the tears fell in steady streams.

Rushing out of the Common Room so quickly, Y/N hadn’t seen Hermione and Ron emerge from their hiding places on the stairs. They found a stunned Harry, who was already beating himself up for how that went.

“Do I go after her?” he asked, tears starting to stream down his cheeks.

Hermione shook her head. “It’s after curfew and you have no idea where she went…”

“She’ll have to come back eventually mate,” Ron encouraged. “You could always just wait here.”

Harry nodded as he let Ron and Hermione direct him to the couch. Why had he been so impulsive? Why had he waited to begin with?

He sat there, staring as Ron and Hermione attempted to cheer him up. He knew that wouldn’t work. The only person who could make him happy ran from him. He blew it. He’d have to find a way to accept that, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to for a while. Not until she was at least his friend again because he couldn’t lose her all together.

______________________________________________________________________________

Y/N cried until she didn’t have any tears left. Once they ran dry, she only felt numb. She couldn’t go back to the Common Room now. Knowing how stubborn Harry is, he would still be sitting there, wanting to try all over again. Y/N couldn’t take another round of that tonight. I wish that this room had a bed – She thought to herself, finally looking around. Then, there in the corner, she saw a folded up cot. That would do. On one of the shelves, next to some tissues, she found a blanket and pillow. Okay. Now I just have to wake up early enough to sneak back in and get my books in the morning.

Feeling completely drained from the day, Y/N fell asleep quickly. She dreamed of nothing, which was a relief and in the morning, she decided that today was the day to start moving on. She would do it no matter how hard it was because this wasn’t a movie and she wasn’t going to wait around for someone who didn’t truly want her.

With that attitude in mind, Y/N quietly left the small room of requirement and tip toed back towards the Gryffindor Common Room. It was maybe 4:30 in the morning, so she hoped no one would be up for any reason. Giving the Fat Lady the password and receiving a slight scolding for waking her up so early, Y/N shut it silently behind her. Once in the Common Room, she could see that the coals of the fire were nearly burnt out, but there were three forms resting in the chairs in front of it – asleep.

Y/N couldn’t help but smile to herself? Had her friends been there all night? Did they really try to wait up for her? Okay…maybe seeing Harry sleeping there tensed and cold would make it a lot harder for her to move on. It was really sweet. She could only guess that Hermione was the one that kept the three from going to look for her. Y/N tip toed over to the three lumps as she summoned some blankets from the other side of the Common Room. She placed a blanket on both of them and took Harry’s glasses off his face. Then she saw the old piece of parchment open and clenched tightly in his fist.

Of course he’d pulled out the Marauder’s Map. She could now see where she was standing next to the three of them, but his finger was stationed at the entrance of where the room of requirement usually popped up. How did he know she would wind up there?

Y/N carefully pried the map out of Harry’s hands, so that she wouldn’t wake him up and mumbled “mischief managed” in order to make the parchment erase the lines of the castle and appear blank. Folding it and setting it next to his glasses, Y/N left the three and headed towards the stairs. But before she could get there, she heard movement. Not wanting to be noticed, she froze in her spot, hoping whoever it was had just been moving in their sleep.

“Y/N?” a soft voice rang out.

Y/N closed her eyes and scrunched up her face. So much for not being seen. Why had she gone over to her friends? Why hadn’t she just gone right upstairs?

Not knowing what else to do, Y/N turned back towards the fireplace to lock eyes with Harry’s, albeit sleepy, green eyes. He looked concerned and worried, but also happy and relieved at the same time. He picked up the glasses she had just taken off of his face and put them back on.

“Where did you go? Are you okay? We were worried when you didn’t come back,” he whispered, being mindful of the other two in the room.

“Uhhh, yeah. I just had to get away for a while and didn’t want to face a room full of girls…” she drew out, matching his soft voice.

“I understand. I wanted to come find you, but Hermione wouldn’t let us. I was going to sneak out after she went to bed, but then she stayed. Plus, she thought you may have gone to the room of requirement and said we wouldn’t be able to get to you if you didn’t want anyone bothering you…” Harry explained, recounting his night as quickly as possible.

“She sure does know me well,” Y/N replied, brushing one arm with her hand. When had it gotten so cold in here?

Harry must’ve noticed instantly because he immediately took off his jumper and tried to hand it to her.

“No, Harry, it’s okay. I’ll just go up to bed.”

Harry lowered the jumper, looking defeated. Now Y/N felt bad.

“Harry,” Y/N sighed. She had really wanted to avoid this.

“No, you don’t have to say it again. I heard you the first time. But, just let me say something?” Harry asked.

Y/N nodded in response.

“I don’t want to lose you. If you don’t want to be more than friends anymore, I understand. I was a complete prat, but I can’t lose you in my life. I still want you to be my friend. Of course, I won’t stop trying to prove myself to you, but that’s besides the point. I just need you with me in some way.” Harry’s eyes widened, begging her to understand. Of course she understood, that’s why she didn’t want to tell him how she felt to begin with. Why had she done that again?

“Of course I want to be in your life, Harry. I can’t imagine mine without you, but you might have to give me some space.” There she goes, continuing to put distance between them. Harry hated it.

“Well, how much space? Because we could keep that space to just the meter in between us across at the dinner table or…” Harry moved a little bit closer. Y/N was frozen in her spot. “Or, I could drop out of school and pretend not to go here for a month. I’ll go back to the Dursley’s if you need that much space.”

He moved towards her again. Y/N felt her heart thump in her chest. It was too early for this. She wasn’t in her right mind because it would just be so easy to give in to him right now. Why did his eyes have to melt her insides every time?

“Or, the only space could be the short distance when we sit next to each other in potions. Please, don’t go sit with the Slytherins again. Draco looked way too smug.” Y/N couldn’t help but smirk at that comment. He moved a few steps closer to her again. “Or, we could just forget the space…” Why oh why did he do this to her? By this point, Harry was towering over Y/N, pretty much daring her to look up at him and meet his eyes.

Y/N could feel his breath near her skin. It was warm and slow. She knew that he was waiting for her to do something. Common Y/N, just do something! – she thought. Shit! She gave in, she looked up to meet his eyes. There was a determination she had never seen in them before. It bared into her soul. She instinctively bit her lip, she couldn’t help it. She always did it when she was nervous.

She watched as Harry’s eyes wandered down her face and to her lips, then back up to her eyes. Damnit, she was going to give in.

Softer than she had ever spoke, she whispered, “Maybe, space is a little overrated…”

That was all he needed to crash his lips onto hers. His hands found their way to the nook between her face and neck and he pulled her closer to deepen the kiss. It felt like so much more than any kiss they had shared before.

Y/N was the first to pull away, breath heavy. “This is not what I had in mind when I told myself I was going to move on,” she whispered.

Harry chuckled, shaking his head. “No, probably not, but this way is definitely better for me,” he smirked.

Y/N let her hand move up to hold one of his, both of which were still holding her face. No, things that happen in movies don’t usually happen in real life, but maybe this was the exception. Maybe, this was her movie.

#harry potter x reader #harry potter #harry potter fic #angst #fluff #harry potter x gryffindor!reader #ron weasley x reader #hermione grander x platonic!reader #fred weasley x reader #goldentrio #golden trio #new fic #draco malfoy x reader #hp fanfic #hp #kalimagik

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iidaemii03 · 3 years

Text

Shoto Todoroki x Fem!Reader - Need You Now - Songfic based on the song by Lady A

This is my first full on story/oneshot here so I hope the people of Tumblr like it! I always knew I wanted to do something angst-based as soon as I heard this song a while ago, but I had to make it angst to happy ending cuz I often feel so sad when I read stories that is just left after the angst. I need comfort!! I also wanted to do a reader story since that’s bascially all I read nowadays! I also decided to do female reader since that is what I am most comfortable with, so sorry if that is not your thing. Anyways, I hope this is good enough, I really tried with this one, so hope you all enjoy! <3

Info to know beforehand!! (Although you all already know this most likely!)

Y/N means Your Name (L/N means Last Name)

(e/c) means eye color

(h/c) means hair color

(s/c) means skin color

Texts is in italics

The room was dark. Lights were off except for in the connected kitchen and living room area. Y/N sat on the couch, dressed in sweatpants and a long-sleeved sweater belonging to her boyfriend, a bottle of wine standing on the table together with a half-full glass. Picture perfect memories were scattered all around the floor from the fight that happened a few hours earlier. Fight… was that the right word for it? Maybe argument was a more correct word? She didn’t care. Her mind was filled with thoughts and questions. Was it her fault? Or his? What did they argue about again? She didn’t quite remember, nor did she care. She just wanted to see her boyfriend again.

Teary (e/c) eyes all red from crying, looked up and scouted, seeing the empty room before her, the quiet feeling so foreign to her. She reached for her phone lying on the table, immediately opening it and opening the gallery app. Y/N looked through the pictures of them together: One from an amusement park date from three weeks ago, the pair eating churros while looking at the camera. Another picture from last year when they went on a cruise to celebrate their two year anniversary as a couple, the sun setting behind them while they held each other close. The tears were starting again, she couldn’t fight it anymore. She bailed her feelings out, screaming and crying, not caring who heard her. Y/N lifted her eyes after a while, tears continuing to stream down her face. She switched to the contacts app to see that he left a few messages that made her heart light.

Hi, how are you doing? I don’t know if you’ll see this message or if you want to, but if you do then please… call me. Please <3

Me again. Just wondering if you’re still angry with me, and if you are then I can’t blame you… I was a jerk for getting mad at you, no not a jerk... an asshole. I miss you… :(

Can we please forget this? I really miss you.... </3 Can I come back to the apartment? Or do you wanna come here? There aren't that many people here now… although I would love to be in your arms again </3 Please…? <3

The clock showed a quarter after one, and Y/N looked out the window of the apartment after reading the messages over and over, her (h/c) hair tousled with some strands hanging in front of her face. He wanted to apologize, so did she. He cared for her, and she knew that. It was just a stupid little argument that happened between, an argument that ended with him storming out of the door of their shared apartment going who knows where. He was most likely in the city. That didn’t matter right now though, because all she wanted was to see her lovely boyfriend again. She was all alone and she needed him now. That was it! She wiped her tears and texted him back:

Yes please… Come back! I need you now, here, in my arms again! <3 I don’t know how I can do this without you, I just… need you now <3

In the dark of the city, at a local bar sat Shoto Todoroki. In his hand was a shot glass with whiskey. He gripped it tight and poured it down in one go, the strong alcohol flowing down his throat. It was probably his third, maybe fourth glass of it, but that wasn’t the most important thought he had at the moment. His eyes were glued to the bar-table he sat by, the bartender cleaning some glasses on the other side by the corner. “Another shot of whiskey please.” Shoto’s voice came out as bland and emotionless. The bartender lifted his gaze from the glass he was cleaning to the boy across from him. “Of course sir. It will be your fifth shot this evening though, are you alright?” The bartender spoke in concern as he took the bottle and poured the amount in the glass Shoto still held in his hand. Shoto’s eyes narrowed in question: Was he alright? Is this really what he should be doing now, drinking his thoughts away? He let go of the glass and shoved it away from him, the liquid still in the glass. No, he should return to Y/N soon, this was ridiculous! Him drinking? That was so unlike him! He remembered though that his father used to drink after a difficult job at the agency, after a task that didn’t seem to reach a conclusion, or just after a general hard day. The thought angered Shoto. He was turning like his old man... great.

Shoto reached for his phone in his pocket and decided to check if she had responded to his messages. Maybe the three messages he sent was making him seem desperate? That was the last thing he wanted to do. He switched his gaze from the phone in his hand to the door of the establishment. Maybe she would walk through that door soon and surprise him, hug him and tell him that everything was ok. Sweep in the way like he remembered she did before. But no, she didn’t. It wouldn’t be that easy anyways. He returned to look at the phone when the message sound reached his ears. His eyes widened… she answered!

Yes please… Come back! I need you now, here, in my arms again! <3 I don’t know how I can do without you, I just… need you now <3

The simple message brought him so much joy and relief. He stood up from the bar-chair and handed the bartender some money plus tip. “Keep the change and I didn’t need the fifth shot anyways. Excuse me.” He grabbed his jacket and put it on in a hurry, scrambling out the door to get back to his girlfriend. “Ok then, have nice… night.” The bartender grabbed the money and watched as the two-toned hair boy went out the door, a smile on his face as he continued to clean the glasses.

Shoto ran as fast as he could back to the apartment where he knew you were. Luckily, the bar wasn’t that far away from the apartment complex you both lived in. He didn’t even think of calling a taxi, probably because he was a little drunk from the few whiskey shots he took. All he knew was that he needed to get back and reconcile with his lovely girlfriend and apologize for that stupid argument that caused this. What was it about again? He shook his head of the thought, the matter not being important anymore. He ran and ran, his lungs burning and his body begging for a little break, something that Shoto did not have the time for right now.

He reached the complex and decided to take the stairs rather than the elevator, the adrenaline in him kicking. The elevator would have been faster, but he didn’t think of anything other than seeing you again. Your beautiful (h/c) hair that he loved to brush his fingers through, your glowing (e/c) eyes he could stare at hours after hours, your magnificent (s/c) skin he loved to touch with his hands. After many flights of stairs his eyes started to tear up from the thought of seeing you again. Everyone who knew him knew that Shoto Todoroki didn’t cry. He always wore a calm expression, almost looking bored sometimes, but he never cried. He did now though, letting his eyes water. He blinked trying to push the tears back, but he couldn’t deny it any longer.

He now stood in front of the door to the apartment, trying to catch his breath. He lifted his hand and knocked three times. After a painfully long moment (at least to Shoto), the door opened wide and Shoto’s eyes widened when seeing you standing there looking up at him with red eyes. Oh no. He made you cry. That… he didn’t even think of that possibility. “I-eh…” Shoto couldn’t find the proper words. He had something planned out on the way to the apartment, but now he wasn’t able to say any of it! “Oh I…” Y/N was exactly the same. The words just didn’t want to come out. They both stared at each other, no one uttering a single word. Until Shoto decided to take a step forward and then another. Y/N in response took a step back and then another, as they both moved further into the apartment. When Shoto finally entered the apartment fully, he immediately closed the door behind him without looking away from Y/N. She waited for her boyfriend to make a move, and to her surprise and shock, he did just that.

Shoto’s hands took hold of Y/N’s face and she didn’t get the time to react in any way as he locked their lips together in a loving kiss, finally letting the tears he had in his eyes fall down his cheeks. Y/N’s eyes widened briefly before closing and letting her own tears cascade down her cheeks as well. The kiss felt warm and for Y/N it felt like all the sadness and anger from before faded away in an instant. It was almost like the kiss made light return into the room. And that light felt amazing for both of them!

They separated and looked each other in the eyes, (e/c) eyes staring lovingly at grey and cyan blue orbs. Both were left panting due to the intense kiss they just shared. “I am so sorry that I yelled at you, Y/N. I- I immediately regretted what I said. I love you so much, and I really appreciate you being in my life! I want you to know that!” Shoto’s voice came out so… broken, and Y/N immediately knew that he had been trying not to cry but eventually succumbed to the tears anyway. Y/N gave him a smile, eyes still teary from earlier. “I’m also very sorry. I love you so so much too! I love being with you every day, and I want you to know that you can come to me with your problems so that we can try to solve them together! Let’s do that next time, m‘kay, so that we can avoid fighting like we did now.?” Y/N moved her hands from her sides to grasp Shoto’s hands. His was so warm, ironically though since you would think his quirk would make one of them cold. But nevertheless it was such a comfortable feeling. Being here, with him, together again.

“It’s like you said: I literally don’t know how I can do without you. I need you… now and always.” Shoto declared with a soft smile playing on his lips. Y/N smiled back at him. “I feel the same, Sho!” She lunged at him and hugged him tight, with him immediately wrapping his arms around her returning the hug. “Want to chill on the couch, maybe watch a movie and cuddle?” Y/N asked, looking up at Shoto with still blank eyes. He looked down at her, smiled lovingly and gave a simple answer: “Yes.”

And that’s how you two ended up on the couch, a random movie playing in the background, while you and Shoto were lying together on the couch cuddling close. Your head was placed in his lap and he played with your hair with one hand while the other was holding yours, fingers intertwined. The movie was becoming the least important thing happening at the moment. You were busy showing your love and giving comfort to each other. “Are you even watching the movie, Sho?” You suddenly asked looking up at him. He answered with a shrug of his shoulders accompanied by “No not really. Are you though?” He looked down at the girl with a knowing grin. She smiled sheepishly and hid her face in his sweater before giving a very muffled answer “No.” He just chuckled at her action and continued to play with her hair. Y/N removed her face from his sweater and continued to lay comfortable in his hold. The comfortable silence took over again.

The hours passed and before you knew it, the movie was finished and was currently playing the end credits. On the couch was a passed out Shoto and Y/N, comfortably bundled together, their soft breaths being the only sound in the room. They were both fast asleep, but still they were holding hands, looking like neither wanted to let go. This was their comfort: Each other. Even fights like the one they had many hours ago wasn’t enough to seperate them for long. They knew they would apologize afterwards, because they knew their shared love was stronger than any harsh words thrown at each other previously. It was clear as day, that the love between Shoto Todoroki and Y/N L/N was a strong bond that was gonna last long into the future, even into future fights their love would bring them back again. Because they also knew that they needed each other, always.

#bnha shoto #shoto todoroki #shoto todoroki x reader #bnha angst #shoto todoroki angst #todoroki shoto x reader #x reader fanfiction #angst to comfort #my hero academia fanfiction #my hero academia #mha todoroki #songfic #sad songfic #need you now #bnha oneshots #mha oneshot

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witteksaga · 3 years

Text

Can’t pretend

in which you break your promise of being friends with benefits and leave jeff alone with his (rather angry) feelings

The idea of friends with benefits is simple. You’re friends, you hang out, you have the occasional hook up. This “occasional” hook up has happened way to many times between Jeff and Y/n. They were friends; really good friends even. But the sexual tension was always present, always heavy in the air around them. The drunken kisses turned into full on making out, which later turned into sex. Neither of them was complaining, even though they both were a bit confused as to what was actually happening between them and the situation they got themselves into. They didn’t want to date - everyone was busy with their own little world that revolved around their work. They had such big dreams and even bigger ambition to achieve them, and a relationship was not planned by either of them. It would be a distaction - they both shared the same point of view. It wouldn’t be a good idea for them to date - so the agreement was to remain friends with benefits, or in other words - fuck whenever they got the chance.

it really was working for some time. Until it of course, stopped working. They were both focused on their own schedules. However, that soon changed. Y/n met Jack through mutual friends. What followed was a crush with the size of a mountain. He liked her too - they had good chemistry together, lots of things in common, they partied together quite a bit, flirted a lot, and later on went of a few dates. It was the beginning of summer and that meant even more work for Jeff. As more time passed, Y/n decided to call of their little arrangement. She was positive Jack and her would soon start dating, and of course, that meant that Jeff was in the way. His reaction surprised him - as if they had dated and she just blew him off for another guy (and a pretty lame one too), which was not far from the truth. He was constantly feeling down after that, he even thought he was heartbroken - and he kinda was. But that wasn’t even the worst part - the jelousy that followed after was definately way worse. It was eating him alive, seeing them happy and constantly together, always touching, his beautiful girl and this complete jackass.

It didn’t take long for him to realise that he was completely in love with her. He would ignore it before and wouldn’t dare to admit it to himself earlier, but now it was a fact. They had been friends for a long time and now things have changed a lot. Jeff refused to accept the current situation. He wanted her, and he would try anything possible to win her back. There was no doubt in his mind that Jack was an asshole - the smug look on his face whenever he knew Jeff was looking. He would purposely grab Y/n ass, or kiss her neck, or whisper something in her ear that would make her giggle. He hated him.

Things kind of got out of control on one party where Jeff (luckily) walked in on Jack making out with another girl. This was it, he thought. It was the perfect timing. He was extremely mad that Jack was wasting her time and that he had the nerve to hurt her in such a way. He quickly got out of the room without them even noticining someone had walked in on them, and tried to find Y/n and get her out before she had the chance to see for herself. He noticed her on the end of the room, chatting and laughing with Zane, Erin and David.

“Y/n, I need some fresh air, can you come outside with me for a bit?“

“But I was talking to-“ he cut her off by grabbing her hand and dragging her to the front door.

“Jeff, what’s the hurry, you nearly made me spill my drink.“ She complained once they got out of the house.

He just stood before her and looked at her, confused wether he should tell her about her shitty boyfriend or not. She would get hurt - that was inevitable. It would hurt him as well, he didn’t want to be the one that forcefully breaks them apart. But again, it was better to know now than when it would be too late.

“Jeff? Is something wrong?“ Y/n asked, looking at him with a concerned look on her face, not helping him at all.

“Nothing, I just wanted to get out of the house, it was too crowded in there.“

“Liar. You look like you’ve seen a ghost, just tell me what’s up. Why did you drag me outside?” She was getting worried now.

“Y/n, you are one of my closest friends and I know we have history but I really don’t know what the fuck I am supposed to do, I don’t want to be the asshole in this situation but-”

“Hey, hey, you’re rambling. Please calm down and tell me what it’s about. I promise I won’t get mad.“ This seemed to calm him down a bit, even though the storm was only just approaching.

Jeff took a deep breath, carefully choosing his next words. Usually he couldn’t be bothered by something like that, but whenever it came down to her, he felt the nervousness rise inside him.

“At the party, I was looking for my phone in my jacket, so I went in one of the bedrooms. Jack was there, and some blonde, I don’t know her name, and they were all over each other. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you or not, but I don’t know, I thought I should be honest. If it was me I would want to know.“ He paused as he awaited her reaction.

She just stood and looked at him, still processing what she had just heard. “Okay.”

“Okay? Is that it?“ Jeff was confused as fuck now.

“How am I supposed to react? I don’t know what to say. I guess I kinda expected it, we did get in a fight before we came here, plus he got super wasted, I would expect such a thing, right?“

She seemed way too calm and this scared Jeff. “I should break up with him, right? Of course I should. I’m an idiot, I should have seen this coming.” Anger was quick to take over her, and she quickly turned around and head back to the house. Jeff was closely behind her, grabbing her hand the second time that night.

“Y/n, are you sure you want to make a scene? Maybe wait to cool off a bit and you’ll talk it through when you’re both sober.“ She just looked at him and pulled her hand out of his grip, now even more furious. Just as she was entering back inside a rather drunken Jack appeared right before her.

“Hey babe.“ He slurred as he bent down to kiss her.

“Don’t fucking touch me, you son of a bitch. What were doing just now?“ Of course she was making a scene. but she didn’t care one bit, she was that angry. She spotted a blonde girl making her way out of one of the bedrooms. “Is that her? You decided to go for her?“

Jack was getting frustrated as well, his smug smile was nowhere to be seen. “Babe, I’m drunk, I’m not even sure what you’re even talking about.” It all sounded too pathetic.

“You don’t know what I’m talking about? I know I don’t want to see you anymore, I don’t want you to touch me, don’t even fucking look at me. I’m done.“

He was beyound humiliated at this point, he couldn’t stand it. “You fucking did this. Fucking asshole.” He looked directly at Jeff with a sick expression on his face.

“Don’t do this man, I don’t want to hurt you.“ Jeff was fighting every instinct in his body that was telling him to fucking destroy him.

“How convenient for you, making up a fake story to get my girl. Being a lame ass barber with a criminal records is not enough to get the ladies, huh?“

“He didn’t make up anything, you did it all to yourself.“ Y/n said, already getting tired of it all. She turned around and tried to get out of there, but soon felt Jack’s hands wrapping around her middle and pulling her towards him. An “ow“ slipped from her lips as she tried to get out of his grip.

This was it; that was the final blow. Jeff reached and freed her from Jack’s firm grip, and once he made sure she was behind him, he punched him straight in the face, blood spilling from Jack’s nose. This wasn’t all of it though - Jack was shocked at first but quick to respond. It all happened so fast, Y/n had little to no time to react. Jeff was on top of her now ex boyfriend and fists were flying everywhere. David and Scott were both grabbing Jeff by his hands and dragging him as far as possible. Y/n was in complete shock - she never thought her night would go this way.

An hour later Jeff and Y/n were in his appartment, with Y/n insisting of going back with him. He was sat on the couch while she was trying to clean the wound near his eye.

“I really hope you didn’t broke any bones.“ She said as she put an ice packet on his right hand.

“Which ones, mine or his? Cuz mine are fine, I know how to throw punches.” He said as he looked at her, now feeling like nothing ever happened.

“You know, I still can’t believe what you did back there.”

“I actually wanted to do that for a long time. He deserved it.“

“Thanks for that. I know I can count on you whenever I get into trouble.” She said as she laughed, thinking how stupid she must have been to fall for such a douche.

Jeff smiled as he watched her, he missed their alone time, he missed her laugh, he missed her.

“It was kinda hot, I must admit.“ She looked at him now. “I think you’ll live, but I’m pretty much sure you’ll have a little scar here.“ She said as she touched right under the little cut near his eye.��

“Another one to the collection. I don’t mind.“ His mind was only focused on her now; he didn’t care how his face would look like tomorrow. It was worth it.

Her hand came up to the side of his face as she slightly caressed his beard. There it was again - the inevitable tension between them, always creeping up on them. But it felt a little different this time - their hearts were full, too. As old feelings came crushing into them, Jeff leaned a bit more and pressed his lips ever so slightly against hers. He didn’t want to pressure her into anything. However, her lips soon came crushing into his, deepening the kiss and climbing on top of hip lap. As his hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her even closer, she backed her head to look at him. “Why, why can’t I avoid you, no matter what happens and what I do I always end up here.” His hands found their way to her cheeks, cupping her face and pressing her forehead against his. Ït must be faith, baby.” Jeff said as he kissed her again, only breaking the kiss when his lips turned into a smile. “It really is faith.”

#jeff wittek #jeff wittek imagine #jeff wittek fanfiction #Jeff wittek one shot #this was something i've written long time ago but changed it a bit #hope you like it

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weaselbeaselpants · 3 years

Text

Weird week behind me weird week ahead of me but I’ve done a lot of self reflection and came to the weirdest epiphany. The older I get the more I realize all my ‘problems’ with VivziePop - her thoughts on criticism; the choices she makes in story telling; some of the people she’s worked with (not that any of that’s my business; I’m not her mom) really aren’t about Viv, but more about her fandom.

I’m speaking of the preHazbin era Viv here and as someone who’s only watch horny fish jump at the surface rather than jump straight into the Hazbin-fandom, but given my ‘noncritical’ fellow fans have told me that the Vivziefandom now is also terrible - I guess I’ll go over my experience and make the most out of what I do know.

I followed Viv in 2009 and fell off in 2013 cause I kinda just lost interest and found myself wrapped up in other fandoms. I’ve always felt amicable about her content; I could give or take designs or the way in which she wrote characters -- ((Zech represent!!!)) but it’s honestly surreal and really fun seeing this person I recognize make it big and improve so much. Like I’ve said before I am very happy and very impressed with Viv doing all she’s done in the span of TWO YEARS. wow gurl.

Trouble is, there was the particular breed of fan who really made me...uncomfortable. They felt almost possessive of Viv’s attention. They sang praises about her work in a way that just made me want nothing to do with it because I was worried if I drew those characters these people would be like ‘hey, I’M Viv’s fav artist, not you!”. They would unironically write Viv messages like:

“you are a GOD” -- “I’m so not worthy compared to you” --“I wish I was as talented as you” -- “YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND CAN’T DO WRONG VIV”.

The kind of messages which were meant to sound flattering but, intentional or not, came off as gaslighting, like they were guilt tripping Viv about being better than them. This behavior, treating your favorite artist/internet personality like your superior and groveling like Starscream, it strikes a nerve with me; partly because I was this way with my favorite artists and influences back in the day, but also because once I got a taste of that treatment myself I realized just how bad it could be:

There was once a girl on dA who was jealous of me because of the attention I got on my art instead of her. I told her that I wasn’t gonna stop drawing but also that there was nothing wrong with her art and she’d find her place. It was weird being put in that position where someone is very clearly upset at you but also looking for your approval.

The second was some scumball who I blocked in 2016. He wouldn’t speak to me, only write condescending, backhanded comments on my art; check on my profile daily; call me a bootlicker (cuz I took commissions) behind my back; redrew my art and would talk about me in his personal artist notes about how I ‘probably wouldn’t see this’ - oh yeah all the while he did fan art of my characters but again never spoke to me when I replied. When I finally messaged him about his behavior he said he thought I was “really overrated” and “bad for the fandom” cuz I took money and kept him from getting the love he deserved. It took messaging another person within our fandom, one I had been in spats with online before, to finally realize I shouldn't put up with that bs....

That guy who was stalking me btw did so while I was well under 1.K watchers and am still pretty obscure. Anyway, I had one guy unhealthily watching me for the wrong reasons. Just one. This is why when Viv says she “hates creeps” I 150% believe this woman and am not about to call her a liar who just can’t take criticism. Like, if you really think that, I’m sorry but you don’t know what Viv’s gone through from both her critics AND fans.

Of course, a lot of people will be like “I bet you’re just jealous and really just want that kind of attention yourself so you’re preaching to the choir”, but like...no. I am envious of just about any creator who’s the social butterfly I’m not, but, like, if I'm jealous of an artist none of that is that artists’ fault. Ever. It’s my own issues with being comfortable with myself are at stake. If I criticize Viv’s work it’s not because I see her as competition or my Squilliam Fancyson; it’s because I’m a critical fan of animation and cartoons and have my own thoughts to share on the cartoons of an artist I’m familiar with. Jealousy/envy/mixed-admiration/godIwishthatwereme.jpeg feels are totally natural and valid emotions when you’re a creator. Envy becomes a problem when you internalize, weaponize, and scrutinize people on the basis of them being what you aren’t which -yes - some people do in the name of criticism. ((Although, I would hardly say some of the nastiest AntiViv folk are jealous as much as they are angry that this project they think is harmful is getting attention and using that as justification for some really shitty behavior of their own, which no, this post is not a part of by virtue of coming from a critical fan.))

Critique can come from either a good place or bad place; good critique can be used to bad ends and bad critique can come from a well-meaning place, and vice versa. It’s the difference between many a criticalfan having a sour taste in their mouth regarding the Viv’s base but persisting in a critique+admiration separate of that, and this asswipemonster trying to weasel his way into Spindlehorse while also bashing Viv on a public forum for clearly vitriolic reasons. He was a creep.

So yeah um please stop insisting that every Hazbin critic is just jealous’ because a) there are people who have a past with Viv’s base and that clouds their judgement, but in a lot of cases that doesn’t invalidate their feelings or thoughts on her work separate from that, and b) I’ve seen what clingy gaslighting jealous fans are. Spoiler: they’re not so much Annie Wilkes as much as they are Tommy Wiseaus. You don’t want Tommy Wiseau following you.

Another bad vibe I really picked up on that I can kinda confirm is still probably the case now: people think that they know Viv and the Spindlehorse crew and have the right to send them shit they don’t need or WANT to be seeing.

Like, I talked with Viv once ages ago. I don’t remember what I said other than we were talking about Frankenweenie, I think. She was nice. Outside of that she said “thank you” to my comments on her deviations but that’s it. I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN AND unless you’ve worked with or are a legit friend/mutual of hers, NEITHER DO YOU. But I don’t think every Vivzie stan/critic knows this. Whether it be people assuming she MUST think they’re headcanon is now canon-canon cuz she liked a comment they made; or some critic thinking they must have seriously hurt her pride because they’ve been blocked by her on twitter (or you know, maybe she and the rest of Spindlehorse is tired of getting @s and don’t have to time to read through your analysis so they’re gonna just block and move on cuz they’re busy).

Just because the creators talk with fans doesn’t mean fans are literally their best friends and have a part in the show’s direction. And yes, critics and reviewers fit that bill as well. Know your damn boundaries people.

If you find/make some kind of contribution as a viewer that’s awesome but you should never expect nor DEMAND the creator see it. The most obvious horror stories involving this and Helluva/Hazbin have been the Instagrams made by the crew being harassed by incestpedo enthusiasts, but it applies even to just @ing creators as well.

I’ve seriously had someone tell me to just take my criticisms directly to Viv and like...no. Why would I do that?

I respect Viv and the artists working with her enough to know that they’re working their asses off on an animated series and should not be bothered. I don’t want them to stop all they’re doing and reply to me. I want them to keep working. Also, that kind of logic makes me wonder how many critics Viv’s found because she found it on her own or if some obsessed fan told her about it - which is really messed up cuz if it IS just good critique you’re, again, just pestering her, and if it wasn’t critique but full on harassment WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MESSAGE HER ABOUT THAT ANYWAY? I’m sure she doesn’t need to be reminded that people drew and said really awful shit about her on Tapatalk. My point being I’m sure what people think they’re doing is

“OOOoh Viv lookitwut this person is doing in our fandom we need to ban together against this toxic behavior”

but what they’re actually doing, and sounding like, is -

“Hey Viv I know you are working so hard on the show and you’re trying to figure out where to go from here but LOOKITWHUTTHISHATERSAID. LOOKATIT! VALIDATE ME VIV AND PUT’EM IN THEIR PLAAAAAACE!”

TL;DR Viv’s fanbase back in the day consisted of everyman artists and interests but there was this one breed of fan -who I hope was just a vocal minority- that ruined it for everything else.

Call it stanning or ‘simping’ or as it’s classically known, ‘white knighting’, whatever it was it really soured a lot of people on her because of those fans.

That’s why the DollCreep drama got so bad from what I can tell. Doll and Viv had a falling out and then called out eachother online where people who took it upon themselves to speak for them starting throwing mud.

Back in the day I remember Viv used to get mad at artists for ‘stealing’ her style. I think this attitude from Viv directly has vanished but I remember it happening because one of the people she thought was stealing her style did art for me at some point and they were basically shamed/chased off deviantART by a gaggle of these really nasty Vivfans.

inb4> “VIV WAS AWARE AND STILL WEAPONIZES HER FANS THO”

I don’t know that. And honestly, where I’m inclined to believe she’d do something like that then I think Viv is really different and has improved her business and public image from her college days. I’d be very disappointed in her if she was pulling a Butch Hartman or Derek Savage, but I just don’t think she is one, k?

Viv is more self critical and aware than any of these uber protective-gatekeeping fans give her credit for. She said on the Pizzapartypodcast that she knows the Hazbin pilot wasn’t perfect; she’s been able to identify the problems with old Zoophobia; this woman knows that criticism of all kinds need to exist and from what I see she sounds like she’s trying to get used to that. It’s just, you know, when you have nasty antis badgering you, stalkers, obsessive yes-mam’ fans, opinionated shit posters, r34 artists, entitled shippers and the NDAs of a company alongside your own branded image - all that negativity, even the constructive bits, tend to clump together and you just want to scream at it so you can finish the damn cartoon already!!!!

TL;DR: PART TWO

VivziePop/mind is basically indie Tim Burton. Her work is fun, shallow and made with love but is marketed as being for everyone when it’s really not. Parts of it I love to watch; parts of it drives me crazy cuz of reasonswhatev this isn’t a review.

BUT any fanbase where people tell me I should just “expect what’s coming to me” when I’m trying to argue against dragging creators into fandrama is troubling. People have a parasocial bond with fandoms and their creators and they need to learn when to back off.

#vivziepop critical #hazbin hotel critical #helluva boss critical #critical fandom #I'm sorry to all the people I messaged n bothered over the past year bout my stupid thoughts #tw: stalker

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indulgenthoax · 3 years

Text

Wallflower

Sir Stranger x F!Reader

Content - Mystery, Nobility AU

WC - 1.5k

Warnings - None!

Summary - You finally have a chance to debut in society at the Princess's ball, but a masked stranger catches your interest.

Ax's Note - I have read so many like nobility mangas i am obsessed so heres one for ya

“Stay still! This debut ball may be for the Princess, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shine just as bright.”

“This dress is impossible! How do I even dance in this? I might just become a wallflower.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! This is one of the best chances to find yourself a good partner. Who knows, maybe you might be able to fulfill your dream of becoming the Prince’s bride.”

While being chided by your personal handmaid wasn’t the most pleasant experience, you were secretly excited to finally debut. Your parents, the Count and Countess Silver, were fortunately wealthy enough to allow you to travel to the capital to attend the Princess’s debut ball and debut on your own. You may be the daughter of a count, but you’ve read the commoner’s stories about loving princes and terrifying dragons. Though you’ve grown up, you were still thrilled to be in high society, even if only for a day.

Your dress and matching mask was chosen months ago for this occasion. Your father called a skilled tailor to ensure quality for his daughter. It was a beautiful deep blue, with small jewels dotted around the skirt and bodice. Black tulle with woven silver thread lined the neckline and the hem of the dress. Small silver flowers were scattered across the dress, with some spots holding three or four of them. The mask was a beautiful piece of workmanship. Silver braids along the edge of the blue mask shone in any light, and decorative feathers and lace added elegance. Your hairstyle was perfectly suited to match the rest of your outfit, and the jewelry you wore only added to your beauty. Soon, it was time to finally attend the ball.

Arriving at the ballroom, you allowed a servant to announce your presence before you entered. The room was dazzling. The chandelier reflected light so much it sparkled like the ocean at sunrise. The floor was polished to perfection, and the walls were decorated with brilliant ribbons and flowers. You would have loved to stop in the middle of the stairs and take in your surroundings, but people were coming in behind you. You moved to one of the less occupied walls so you could stare at the décor for as long as you wished.

Soon, everyone was present, and the King and Queen Ojiro announced the Princess to the room. They declared the start of the ball and cued the musicians to start playing. Everyone found a partner and began to dance on the floor. You also wanted to dance, but you didn’t have an escort to dance with. Standing against the wall, you fulfilled the ‘wall’ part of your previous statement of being a wallflower.

Another person seemed to think you fulfilled the ‘flower’ part of the word exquisitely.

④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④

Fed up with just watching everyone dance, you made your way to the balcony. It was beautiful outside. The palace gardens were wonderfully maintained, and the night sky shone as brilliantly as your dress. However, your feet were tired from standing all night. Luckily, there was a bench outside. You sat down and began massaging your feet.

“These shoes truly are a menace,” you sighed.

“With you saying so, I’m glad I don’t have to wear them.”

You jumped with a squeak. Looking around quickly, you spot a man standing across the balcony. “Who are you? When did you get here?!”

The man approached you. He was wearing a tailored black suit with white accents. White ribbons and string decorated the seams and buttons. White leather gloves fit his hands well enough to the point that you might think they were his real hands. A thick, black and white striped ribbon connected his belt to his shoulder. A stunning brooch with dozens of gems hung from his chest pocket. Upon his face was an amazingly sculpted fox head. The muted orange head even had tufts of white fur in the ears! You knew this was a masquerade ball, but did his mask truly have to cover his whole head?

His chuckle snapped you out of your thoughts. “Did I say that out loud? Please forgive me.” You bowed your head. You may not know who he is, but you know your manners.

“You may raise your head. I realize most masks at balls only cover the eyes, but I would like to remain anonymous for now.”

“I see.. I won’t ask for your name, but may I ask why you are here?”

“I wanted some time away from the crowd.”

You nodded along. “I felt the same way when I came outside.” A few moments of comfortable silence passes as you both look up at the stars.

“I noticed you lining the walls earlier.” You looked at him, shocked. “Please don’t think I’ve been following you. It’s my hobby to watch people, and you passed under my eyes as I scanned the room.”

“Why have you followed me then, Sir?”

He chuckled. “When you left your wallflower position, you dropped this.” He handed you your handkerchief. You must have dropped it without realizing.

“Thank you for returning this to me. How could I return the favor?”

The man thought for a moment before speaking up, “Will you keep me company and chat with me? I won’t tell you who I am just yet, but I promise I can be a good conversationalist.”

You giggled. “I can certainly do that, Sir Stranger. What would you like to talk about?”

④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④④

It seemed like a couple hours passed by in an instant. He was indeed a good conversationalist. You even shared some childhood memories with each other. His memory of his sister’s antics made you laugh; your dreams of being a prince’s bride made him hum in amusement.

“What would you do if you could marry the Prince?”

“I’m merely the daughter of a count. I would not have the necessary training to become the Prince’s bride. Even if I were to receive lessons now, the Prince should already have a fiancée considering his position as the first heir to the throne.”

“And if he doesn’t love his fiancée? Or if his fiancée already loves another man?”

“As much as I would love to take over the position if that were to happen, it simply won’t. My marriage to someone as authoritative as the Prince could only happen in fiction, especially because our marriage wouldn’t be beneficial. I am glad that I can dream about what I like, however. I may have romanticized it, but I do believe I could help the Prince run the kingdom at least a little should fantasy play out.”

Sir Stranger looked at you for a bit. Unfortunately, you couldn’t see his expression, so you didn’t know how to react.

He huffed a laugh under his breath. Somehow you can hear the smirk in his voice. “Lady Silver, the statements you are making seem almost treasonous. Should I report this to the guards?”

You could feel heat rush to your face. “Please do not tell them! These- these words are simply the delusions of a young lady! I would never do such a thing as to take away the fiancé of another lady! Please ignore all that I have said this evening! I-”

You pause for a moment after hearing a few giggles coming from the fox mask. You looked at him incredulously for a minute. He looked back at you and quickly straightened himself out. He started to speak, but you just huffed and stood up.

As you began to walk back to the ballroom, he panicked and spoke out, “Please wait! Come back! I apologize for laughing at you. Let me make it up to you?”

You turned his way and asked, “Why should I give you the chance?”

“... Because I can make your dreams come true?” he said thoughtfully.

You immediately spun around again, but you were stopped by a hand on your wrist this time.

“I apologize again. I’ll stop teasing you if you would only dance with me once, my Lady?” He seemed genuine in his apology this time, so you decided to agree to the dance. Relieved, he held out his arm for you to hold. You accepted his invitation to be escorted back to the ballroom.

As you both made your way back inside, the music for the current dance ended. He led you to the middle of the floor as the music began. You thought that he might have not been good at dancing, but he was doing well as your partner. You felt like the only two in the world whilst he held you close. With every step, you felt weightless in his arms. The music swayed your bodies to the rhythm, and your feet gilded together perfectly along the floor. This all felt like a dream. Though your dreams usually featured a man whose face you could see.

You looked at his mask. “May I finally know who you are, Sir Stranger?”

He leaned down to your ear as the dance ended. He lifted the mask enough to reveal his mouth to everyone but you, and whispered:

“Your dreams.”

BONUS ROUND

WC - 200

Warnings - you have a child

You couldn’t believe it. He seemed to be crazy. What was he thinking? How could he do this? Why was this happening? What stars and planets aligned for this to happen to you?

How could your husband and child make such a mess together??

“Aran. How in the world did this happen?”

He looked up sheepishly. “Sorry, my love. We wanted to surprise you with flowers, but we got carried away…”

“Don’t lie to her, Papa! You made this mess cuz you got scared of a little buggie!”

Laughing, you scooped up your child in your arms. “Now, now, Aran. Is it befitting of a king to be scared of little buggies?”

“I was not! I simply wanted these flowers to look presentable! I can’t give my lovely wallflower bug-infested plants!” He pouted up at you.

You leaned down and kissed his cute face. “Thank you very much, love. I know you tried your best to get me the prettiest flowers.”

“Mama! Me too! I want a kissie!” Your child wailed.

“I want another one first!” Your childish husband also wailed.

Soon the room was filled with the giggles and happiness of the King and Queen and their child.

Ax's Xtra Notes - Hope you liked it! and i also hope you liked who it was about ;)

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #fanfic #haikyuu fanfic #anime fanfic #hq #hq fanfic #haikyuu x female reader #hq x reader #aran ojiro #ojiro aran #aran ojiro x reader #ojiro aran x reader #hq aran #ax's fics #hoax’s fics

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monaownsmyass · 4 years

Text

New Perspective

If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!

Book: My Two First Loves, Chapter 51

Pairing: Ava Lawrence x MC (Emma Price)

Genre : Fluff

Rating: PG13

Word Count: 4,511

A/N: What would’ve happened if MC went college touring with Ava in Ava’s PoV. A certain couple also makes an appearance and gives Ava some advice 😉

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics.)

I stopped outside Emma's house by her driveway and honked. I knew she saw me 'cuz she was sitting on her porch steps but I still did it anyway.

"Get in, loser! We're going college hunting!"

She looked down and shook her head as she made her way to my car but I saw that smile on her lips.

She opened the passenger's side door and got in. She closed it before she looked at me and said, "For the record, that was highly unnecessary."

"For the record, where's the fun in not doing it?"

She rolled her eyes but I knew she was the complete opposite of annoyed.

When I first asked her if she wanted to go college touring with me, I was hesitant. It took me the whole day to decide whether or not I should've sent that message. Eventually, I thought 'Screw it!' and hit the send button. Instant regret flooded me as soon as I did and I left my phone unattended for the next few hours, dreading to see what her reply was.

It normally wouldn't have been such a big deal. She was my best friend after all. However, after that day when Mackenzie asked us to model for her, things became... awkward. It wasn't a bad awkward but we became kinda nervous around each other. I thought back to the day where I figured out that maybe, the girl I was crushing on, my best friend, had a crush on me too.

"I wanna capture the real you," I remember Mack saying vividly. You two have been friends forever! You gotta be able to come up with something!"

"Well, in that case..." Emma glanced at Mack and then at me. Just being under her gaze was enough to make me lose my train of thought. "Ava, come sit on my lap!"

My eyes widened but I caught myself, not wanting to be obvious. I cleared my throat and decided to tease her back. I smirked and placed my hand on my hip.

"Should I give you a lap dance while I'm at it?"

I did not expect the next words to come out of Emma's mouth.

"I mean, if you think it'll look good for the cameras..." she flirted back, speaking low in an enticing voice.

My breath hitched. It's not as if we haven't flirted before, we definitely have. Platonically flirting with each other was something we've always done. But this wasn't it. It felt more than that, it wasn't friendly at all. I could feel the tension between us as she looked me straight in the eye. Her eyes burnt into mine and I could see the want in them.

Any longer and I would've passed out.

I shook myself out of my daze and I sauntered up to her. The show must go on anyway. I wrapped my arms around her neck and painstakingly slowly slid myself down onto her lap, my entire body brushing against hers. The friction between us felt electric on my skin.

I was breathless at the close contact but I managed to ask, "How's this?"

"Great!" Emma squeaked out in a high-pitched voice.

Oh?

Just a few seconds ago she was making come-hither eyes at me and was acting all confident. Now she was a blushing, stuttering mess. This wasn't just two friends playing around, was it? The excitement I felt and the way she squirmed in her seat told me otherwise.

"So feisty, I dig it!" Mackenzie called from behind the camera. I almost totally forgot that Emma's little sister was photographing us. But I wasn't done yet.

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest but I had to know if I made Emma nervous the same way she did me, butterflies in stomach and all that.

I brushed my fingers lightly against the side of her face, stroking her soft skin before placing a gentle kiss. I brushed my lips against her cheek and saw her eyes widen and mouth opened, agape.

I felt her tense under me and hesitantly let her hand rest around my waist.

I could feel the heat radiating off her body and I was sure she could feel the same coming from me.

I leaned in close to her ear, my breath skimming her earlobe and whispered, "Relax." I felt her shudder and saw goosebumps appear on her skin.

Interesting.

"Perfect! I got it!" Mackenzie announced, causing me to spring apart from Emma.

"Oh!" Emma said, flustered. "Good, good."

After that situation, we kinda avoided each other a little. Don't get me wrong, we didn't go out of our way to not talk or see each other, but we didn't make the effort to do reach out either which is very unlike us.

A week later was when I decided to invite her to join me in college touring. I missed her and I knew ignoring whatever that was going on between us wasn't gonna help the situation either. I admit that part of me had asked her to follow me in the hopes that we could finally talk about it. Which explains why I was so nervous went I sent her that text.

To my great relief, she responded with a very enthusiastic, 'I'd love to!' when I checked my phone much later that day.

And here we are now, me in the driver's seat and her in the passenger's of my sedan, blasting music and on the way to some college. I glanced at her to find her already looking at me. Instinctively, she averted her gaze but just as quickly, she looked back at me. I guess she figured there was no point hiding.

"What?" I questioned with a smile, eyes back on the road.

"Nothing," she paused. "I just feel like I haven't seen you in a while."

"We see each other everyday."

"I know, smartass," she responded, laughing. "I mean, I feel like I haven't actually seen you for a while. How are you?"

The statement brought heat to my cheeks and I didn't need to look at her to know her eyes were piercing through my soul, wanting to know if there was truth behind the words that would pass my lips.

"I'm good." And it was true. Now that she was here, I've never felt better.

We made it to the first place on our list, Hartfeld University, which was also the school Emma was aiming for. We looked around together and I noticed that she was particularly interested in a cinematography course that was definitely perfect for her.

As we explore the campus, I could see her eyes light up and I knew she was exactly where she was suppose to be. I was happy for her but I couldn't help but feel a little jealous and insecure about my own future. I was so unsure and uncertain about what I wanted to do it made me anxious.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Emma asked me quietly as we walked through the courtyard.

"Hm?"

"You seem kinda spaced out. What's up?"

"Ugh," I sighed. "It's gonna sound stupid but I just realised how in over my head I am about this whole college thing!"

"It's not stupid, it's normal."

"Maybe, but god, I'm already uncertain about the present, how am I suppose to know what I wanna do in the future?"

Opening up to Emma had always been easy. She was a calming presence and whenever she was around me, I felt at ease.

She slowed down beside me and gazed at me. Once again, I felt nervous. "Uncertain about the present?" My palms sweated up as she spoke her next words. "What do you mean?" she asked even though I knew she knew exactly what I meant.

This was the moment I was waiting for, right? To finally confront my feelings about her and confirm hers. To finally have a talk about us. But I didn't. It was the main reason I asked her to tag along but yet, I wasn't ready. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I ever was gonna be ready.

"It's okay," I said. "If you're done here let's head on to the next uni."

"Okay," she uttered. I could sense the disappointment, as if she wanted me to share more. As if she was hoping I was gonna bring it up.

I ignored it and drove to the next place on out list.

After a few more stops, we finally made it the uni of my top pick; Belvoire University.

We made our way around the campus and looking at all the students there made me feel intimidated but having Emma by my side grounded me. I found myself wondering how on earth I could've ever felt awkward around her over the past week. She was my calm in the storm and I definitely would've been having a panic attack without her.

But then I felt her hand graze against mine as we walked and I suddenly remembered why. As much as she calmed my thoughts, she was also the cause of it to go into overdrive.

My initial instinct was to move away and brush it off as an accident but with everything that had happened between us lately, could it have been intentional? My mind raced. I may not have been ready to talk about it but that didn't mean I couldn’t act on it and test the waters.

Steeling myself, I decided to take the leap of faith. I sucked in a breath and let my hand brush against hers, as light as a feather. I felt her hand stiffen and for a moment, I thought I misread the entire situation and made a mistake. Our friendship has been put through the wringer and I don't think I could take it if anything else happened.

But something did happen. Something that would change our relationship as we knew.

She reached out and held my hand.

This action may seem small but it was the hugest thing to me. We've never held hands before and it felt strangely intimate. Maybe it was because I've never held hands with a girl, let alone a girl I liked, but the contact sent a jolt up my arm and through the rest of my body.

I turned my head to Emma's direction to find a small grin playing on her lips. I glanced down at our intertwined hands. My heart fluttered and I felt myself smiling at the sight.

So this is what it feels like.

We continued to walk down the pathway in comfortable silence, arms swinging slightly by our sides with our hands still in each other's. The soft hand in mine felt nothing like the rough ones I was used to. It was different. A good different. A better different.

Eventually, we came to a point where we decided to part ways to explore on our own since we wanted to check out different things. Emma's hand slipped out of mine and I ached to grab it and never let her go. But I stopped myself and watched her leave my side, waving me a goodbye.

"We'll meet back here when we're done, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded, trying to mask the disappointment and anxiety I felt without her by my side in a foreign place despite finally feeling like I could be myself here.

Gripping the pamphlet in my hand, I strode to one of the buildings but almost immediately realised I had no clue where I was going. I looked around, trying to decide who I should ask for help. I saw a bunch of rowdy frats boys and snobbish sorority girls and made the subconscious decision to steer clear of them.

I peered around more and my eyes landed on two girls sitting by a picnic table by themselves. They were giggling with their arms around each other. They looked like they were in a world of their own even though there were plenty of people around them. Something about them drew me towards them. Before I could think about it, my feet led me to their direction.

"Uh, hi!" I interrupted, announcing my presence to the,. Both heads turned to look at me. "Sorry to intrude, but I was wondering if you could help me?"

"Sure thing! What can we do for ya?" replied one of the girls with a slight country twang.

"Well, I'm touring the university and I think I'm a little lost," I chuckled nervously.

"Oh, babe," the other girl in a pineapple jacket said to me sympathetically.

'Babe?' I thought, feeling myself blush. I knew it was friendly but being called that by someone pretty was bound to have that effect on anyone.

"Forget the touring, if you want to survive Belvoire, you gotta know how things are run here."

That piqued my interest.

"What do you mean?"

Both girls just looked at each other.

"You might want to take a seat for this one."

I did and they explained all the essentials I needed to know. By the time they were done, I was pretty sure I was staring at them in disbelief.

"Oh," was all I could say in response.

"Yeah, Belvoire isn't for the faint of heart," explained the girl with the accent. "I swear the only reason I'm still here is 'cuz of this amazing woman right here." She nudged the girl beside her and smiled.

"You give me too much credit, darling."

They leaned in and kissed each other. When they pulled back, they stared into each other's eyes, smiling softly at the other. They looked so in love. I wondered if I could ever have that. Not only being crazy in love with someone who felt the same way towards me but being comfortable and confident enough to show that love off to the world.

I may have been staring too long and hard at them even though I was lost in my thoughts 'cuz one of them asked, "what's wrong?", breaking my reverie.

"Nothing," I shook my head. "You guys are just cute together."

"Tell us something we don't know," joked the girl in pineapples and I laughed along but then she added, "So who's the girl?"

I froze. "Wh-what?"

"I was once where you are at one point in time. I know that look. And I know that you're dying to talk to someone about it so c'mon, you can tell us."

I sighed. There was no point denying it.

"My best friend," I muttered and hid my face behind my hands. "Who also likes these two other guys."

"Oh, babe," she said again.

"I know. I know, but I can't help it, she just feels... right. Like we were made for each other." I slapped my palm against my forehead at my words. "That sounded pretty cheesy, huh?"

"A little," the other girl giggled. "But trust me, if it's true, it's true." She took her girlfriend's hand and kissed it.

"Okay, cheeseballs, let's get back on topic." Pineapple Girl said but she was grinning. "Do you know if she likes you back?"

I scrunched my brows. "I think so? I mean, I can’t say for sure but I do have a strong feeling she might."

"Here's my advice. Just go for it. Even if ya think you have the slimmest chance, just go ahead and try your luck," said Country Girl. "And that goes for anything in life."

"But we've been friends for years, and I don't want to screw it up if things go south."

"But could you live with yourself if you never tried?" asked Pineapple Girl. "Could you settle for good if you knew you had the chance to make it better? Every stroke a painter does could risk their masterpiece but it's also another step closer to creating something beautiful, so go create something beautiful.

"Okay, Plato, when did you become so philosophical and wise," her girlfriend teased.

"You still have a lot to learn about me, love."

"Looking forward to it."

They continued their flirty banter but their words stuck with me and struck something within me, which made me ponder. Would I risk our friendship for something greater? Could I?

"I may have another problem," I interrupted. "I'm not exactly out. To anyone."

"Not the most progressive place you live in?" asked Country Girl.

I snorted. "You could say that."

"All I have to say is people will surprise ya."

"I'm just scared people will start treating me differently and stop talking to me."

"They aren't worth your time anyway, then. But I grew up in the Midwest and maybe I was lucky, but I definitely didn't have it as bad as I thought I would. I'm not saying you should come out if ya don't want to, but if you're ready, I suggest giving people a chance."

"Hey, worse come to worst, you're leaving for college soon anyway, so it would be the perfect place to start over," Pineapple Girl joked. "Belvoire might be a hellhole at times but our sexuality isn't a grievance here."

Listening to them made me see things in a new light. Maybe I was ready to deal with the feelings between Emma and I. I looked around and saw all the college students minding their own business and realised I had no reason to be intimidated. They didn't bother that I was some high school kid. They just didn't care.

And usually, I'd be extremely cautious about my every action, not wanting to give away the fact that I was not as straight as everyone back home thought. That I was gay, a lesbian. But being here, with Emma, when I was holding her hand, that wariness faded and I felt like I could finally breathe easy again.

Just then, I spotted a familiar figure making her way towards us. Even in a place full of eccentric people with unique personalities like Belvoire, she still shined the brightest. Like a diamond in the rough, a rose among thorns. And I was proud that I got to call her my best friend. My first love.

"Hi!" she greeted me with a smile. "I was wondering where you went."

"Hey, how was touring?" I asked, gesturing her to sit beside me.

"So boring without you." She pouted and grabbed onto my arm. My skin under her palm tingled. "But the people here are definitely... interesting though."

"You can say that again," Country Girl said with a laugh.

"Oh, right," I said, forgetting that we were in company. "Emma, these are-" I paused and turned my attention towards them. "Sorry, I don't think I caught your names."

They laughed and Pineapple Girl introduced her and her girlfriend.

"I'm Zoey and this lovely woman right here, is Bea."

"I'm Ava, by the way."

Emma also gave them a little wave and a smile to be polite.

"Well it's nice to meet you, Ava, Emma." She checked her phone and looked up to address me again. "As much fun as it was talking to you, Bea and I have somewhere we need to be soon."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to take up that much of your time."

"It's fine, babe." At the mention of the pet name, I felt Emma beside me tighten her grip that was on my arm. I raised a brow. Was she jealous? "It was nice talking to you."

Emma and I moved to get up and Emma was a few paces in front of me when Zoey called out to me.

"Ava, hold on just a moment."

I turned to look at her. "Yeah?"

"She likes you too, I can tell."

Bea butted in, teasing. "Zoey would know, right, bestie?"

Zoey rolled her eyes but pulled her girlfriend in closer to her to give her a side hug.

I caught up to Emma and we made our way back to my sedan.

So I wasn't just imagining thing.

It was gonna be sundown soon but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Emma just yet. It's been hours but I still have yet to do the thing I mainly invited her for. And as if she read my mind, she spoke up.

"Where to next?"

I looked at her, confused. "Um, home?"

"Oh," she said softly.

"Unless," I quickly interjected. "You want to do something else? Before I send you back?"

From the corner of my eye, I saw her bite her lip and give a tiny nod. "I don't want to say good bye to you yet."

My heart did a flip at her words and at the tone of her shy voice.

"Me too," I admitted and saw smile. "Alright, I know exactly where to take you."

I drove us to an open field that was seemingly in the middle of nowhere. I parked alongside a few other cars and Emma glanced around. She took in the sight of the other cars and then noticed the big screen in front of us.

"We're at a drive-in theatre?!" She asked, shouting.

"Yeah, I've been meaning to check this place out ever since I heard about it. And since it's on the way and I know you've always wanted to go to one so I thought why not."

She stared at me, speechless.

"Unless this was a complete mistake and you want to go somewhere else then it's-"

"No! No, nothing like that!" She cut me of as she lunged towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Thank you!"

"Oh!" I returned her hug, resting my arms around her waist while chuckling. "You're welcome."

She squeezed me tighter before pulling back to her side again. I could feel myself blush furiously even minutes later. We talked for a bit before the movie started playing.

It was hard to focus on the film playing on the giant screen in front of us when beside me was the most gorgeous girl I knew. Her hand rested beside mine in between us.

My eyes may have been directed straight ahead but I was hyperaware of the tiny gap separating our fingers. Any closer and it would touch.

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long to see what would happen next. Emma's pinky brushed against mine and I averted my gaze down towards our hands. That simple gesture was a dare, a taunt. 'Come on, do it'. Ironically, it was also all the encouragement I needed.

I hooked my pinky around hers, waiting for her to pull back but she didn't. Slowly, I placed my hand on top of hers and gently squeezed. She took the next initiative to finally turn her hand so her palm met mine as our fingers interlaced.

I sighed, letting out a shaky breath which caught her attention. Her eyes shot in my direction and that action caused me to do the same to her. Her gaze glanced down at our interlocked hands and immediately back up to my eyes. She stared at me as I stared at her, the movie long forgotten. I could see the flame in her eyes as they bore into mine.

And in that moment, there was nothing in the entire universe I wanted more than to just kiss her.

I found myself leaning forward and maybe it was too dark to tell, but I was certain I saw her do the same.

I stopped myself before moving any further. My brows furrowed even as my eyes searched her pretty brown ones. Was I willing to risk our friendship? What we had was good. I thought back to Zoey's words. It was good. But it could be better. And I sure as hell would rather try than remain wondering what could've been.

"Ava," she drew out just above a whisper.

Maybe I wasn't ready to talk about it, I don't know when I'll ever be. But action speaks louder than words and I wanted to be as loud as possible. I was tired of pretending and hiding and I didn't want to wait any longer.

I held the back of her neck and crashed our lips together. The instant our lips met, I melted into a sigh. If I thought feeling her body pressed against mine was electric, the way her lips felt on mine was explosive.

I was invigorated from the way her lips moved on mine, exhilarated from the way her hands grasped onto my shirt, intoxicated from the way the scent of her perfume fogged my sense. Energy surged through my body and chills ran up my spine.

If this is what kissing was supposed to feel like I never wanted it to end.

Her hands left my shirt to travel down my arms and then to the small of my back. Her touch even through my clothes was making me heady. She bit my lip and that's when I lost it.

"Oh, Em!" I moaned into the kiss, unable to help myself.

The sound seemed to push her further. Never breaking the kiss, she got up from her seat to cross over to mine. She straddled my lap and locked her arms around my neck. My hands gripped her hips in response.

My body burnt as we kept kissing. She was driving me crazy.

"God, Ava," she groaned softly which ignited a fire within me. "You're amazing."

"Mm," I hummed in acknowledgement as my hands trailed to her thighs, giving them a squeeze.

The kiss was slow and intense. It was emotional and personal. I could sense that she was as eager as I was but we kept our pace, taking our time and enjoying the feel of the other against our own until we finally broke apart.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for that," I panted, my arms encircling her waist to pull her closer into me.

She giggled and gave me a kiss on the forehead. She still had her arms around my neck as she brought my head to her chest and rested hers on top of mine. I could feel her heart beat going a mile a minute. "I have some idea."

She pulled away to look at me.

"What?" I questioned, laughing.

"Earlier I told you I feel like I haven't actually seen you in a while. What I meant to say was that you are absolutely breathtaking and beautiful and awe-inspiring and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be here with you."

I let out a huge grin at her confession.

"I feel the same way about you," I whispered before pulling her back into another kiss.

As we kissed, the only space that existed was us in my car. The movie playing, the other people, everything outside, it was all distant. It was all in the background. The only thing that mattered then was Emma and I in that moment and with every brush of our lips, we were creating something beautiful.

Together.

(More fics!)

~*~*~

Bonus scene!

“Zo!” I felt my girlfriend nudge me.

“Yeah, babe?” My eyes that were trained on the screen averted to look at her.

“Is that Ava over there?”

“The girl we met earlier?” I squinted in the direction she was pointing at. Despite it being dark, I could still recognise the face and figure shifting in the car parked a few spaces away from ours. “Oh! It is!”

“And she’s with Emma?”

We watched as they leaned in towards each other. After a short while, Ava grabbed the back of Emma’s neck and their lips connected!

“And now they’re kissing?”

I laughed and said, “She wasted no time with that. I’m proud of her.”

“They’re so cute,” Bea said with a smile, looking back to me.

“They are,” I agreed. “But so are we!”

She giggle and nodded. “Of course we are.”

I gave her a peck on the cheek before resting my head on her shoulder and enjoying the rest of the movie.

148 notes · View notes

papers4me · 3 years

Note

Hi, thanks for reply me and don't worry about the long answer I really appreciate it. I'm also happy that writing about FB is something good to you, because reading your thoughts, much different than my own opinions, on something I love is so entertaining and enriching, with that in mind, I'm looking forward for your review for chapter 114, one of my personal favorites chapters. As far as I concerned about Shigure, I love him as plot device, hate him as person, so don't worry.

Hi lovely friend!

Thank you for the reading my response & enjoying my posts. Kindly don't shy away from asking me anything or sharing your thoughts<3!

Reading different thoughts is hella fun! you get to enjoy your fave story but from different perspectives or even experience shock at how ppl interpreted things you considered so differently.

I've read & posted abt ch 114 & I love it so much, it ignited my passion abt furuba that was diminishing with my disappointment abt anime-tohru! Now I'm all excited again for the rest! not just tohru! I can't wait for the following:

How much Akito cut-content is there? Will I finally see a content enough to get her out of the basic 3 steps in the anime? step 1: abusive villain, step 2: not listening to to tohru's very long inner monologue cuz it's.. well inner monologue! lol, but still, being touched by the few words tohru said when the sun rose behind her as the rain stopped!. Step: 3, good repenting akito that is fine with being a dolled up woman with makeups & flowery hairdo. All in shorts super quick parts of different eps that when you combine them, barely make one ep & a half. Anime Akito is as quickly explored as tohru. Both female characters were explored in the anime in their most basic shallow surface: the mother/ helping angel vs the villain/new woman. With ch114, which most of it was ironically in the anime but messed up, I got to discover tohru's depth. You see, not much new content was there in ch 114, only few panels here & there but these panels carried all tohru's depth, progressive growth, & most importantly will lead to the same conclusion we saw in the anime but make it believable, relatable & with such a lasting impression. Simply, ch 114 made tohru a real character not one denominational protagonist existing to carry themes. Will the same be done to Akito?

What abt shigure?

You guys alluded that kyo/yuki fight was better in the manga in regards to yuki character? can't wait to read that! Manga yuki is slowly starting to depart from anime yuki & I'm celebrating the glimpses of yuki's refreshing real character~~~

Obviously, kyo didnt forget kyoko/the accident in the manga seeing as ch 90-91 was his own nightmare & expressive visit to Kyoko's past. I cant express how excited I am to see kyo's plot handled by someone who respects the audience's intelligence & doesn't dismiss solid plot that was explored in canon in favor of cheap drama & exaggeration. Seriously, directors can play with the plot & change it as much as they like, I'm okay with that, but don't dare laugh at us, viewers & pretend that certain plotlines didnt happen or was never mentioned!!!! Don't you go D&D on us & use " daneryes/kyo forgot!"..... shame! Kyo's theme of crippling psychological guilt, running away, & repeated mistakes is one my top faves by far & is so well-written even in its most basic form, even with how very little he was explored in the anime & I cant wait to see how much manga kyo will be explored. Doesn't have to be whole chapters, just the tiniest panels or smallest thoughts can make a huge difference as we saw with tohru's ch114.

yeah~ these are 4 things in my mind after ch114. Basically, I'm excited! There were some plot-moments & character explorations that I felt so excited abt while watching furuba anime, Among them/My top two are: (1) se02, ep 9, man~ that was such a good ep!!!!! Both kyo & akito were my top fave characters that day!!!!, but later akito fell as her exploration sucked in the anime, XD. (2) when kyo refused tohru's love in the climax!! I jumped from my seat that day! such brilliant writing choices coupled with deep understanding of the characters' psyche & emotions! Breaking tropes, writing romance as only one sentiment in the characters' heart which is crowded with other stronger sentiments such as fear, trauma, bad habits, miscommunication, guilt & grief. The climax is Takaya-san telling us, hey~ ppl are multilayered creatures. When we make a choice, it's a mixture of lots of things, it's never the magical power of luv!...

What I'm saying is ch114, had brought this excitement back to me! =D

Thank you<3

#fruits basket #manga reviwes #manga spoilers #asks #responding paper #lovely anon #excited paper!

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thisdreamplace · 3 years

Note

Im sad nd m feeling hopeless byond woeds. i feel directionless , alone nd..... very upset about everything in my life

Like yesterday i tried to talk to my mum abt somethng that was bothering me nd instead, she gets so much madder like she has high bp and her bp went up from yelling the crud outa me, like the only explanation other than eiyoo is she got defensive nd felt i was being ungrateful, i mean everyone else in the family stays silent and dont step forward i feel abandoned sometimes like maybe they're secretly glad shes not mad at them? Im sick of feeling this way. Idk if u know this feeling? Im not talking abt her my mum but i mean abt life in general? One real reason my mum is harsh is cuz im not doing well in life, like im not going places i want to (not literal places like metaphoricaly) bcuz of fear and social anxiety that no one ariynd me has a teeny idea of what its like. So im aware that she wants the best for me cuz i understand the everyone is u cincepf a bit. Even then its been years of same things nd issues repeating with me. For example m feeling like im gonna crack one day and when i break forever i don't even want to pick up my pieces!

Im so happy to hear ur doing wonderfully. Nd a part of me felt angry at it for a short while lol honestly like how come things are effortlesly going for u as u say, why cant i how can i experience it too, even tho my inner place is a nightmare place 😆 not a dreamplace like urs. I actually lov ur blog nd you lol dont mind me im just throwing out my thoughts, nd I fully understand how things weren't easy for u in the beginning nd everything u say on ur blog. Wish i could be brave nd not in my mind only

💀 nightmare place

i feel sad that you feel so down because life seems like its against you and you're feeling hopeless. its truly the worst to be in that sort of mindset, and i truly know you can find your way out of it. i'm glad you felt safe throwing out your thoughts here.

the truth of the matter is... the law can be difficult in the way that you really have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself. you really have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself. you really have to be the one to pick yourself up and say, "enough is enough, i cant live like this anymore — i have to do better for myself." the truth is you have to want it more than you want to stay in your comfort zone. because if you dont, your comfort zone will always be waiting to invite you back in. and you will always answer the call. i would know, i lived like that most of my life. because the old way of life is comforting, its what youve always known so it makes more sense to you. you rationalize it, "this is the way things have always been." well guess what. it doesnt have to be that way. but i cant make you change your mind. only you can take that leap of faith.

you have to be willing to change before anyone and anything else does. no more waiting for life to treat you better so that you can finally feel good, you have to feel better with or without the help of the 3D.

when you say it made you angry to see how i'm doing well, i understand. i used to be similar. success stories were bittersweet. i felt happy for the person, but upset that i couldnt relate. why was everyone else able to make the law work in weeks and yet it had been months for me, and things just didnt seem to work ? why me ? that's the way i used to think.

well one day you'll look back at this type of moment and it'll all make sense. you seriously cannot keep being the same person, thinking the same thoughts and same feelings you have for years, thinking you'll get a new result. it's the opposite of what the law teaches us to be true. you've got to change and i mean really change. you must let the old story die and let the new story become your life, entirely.

you can brush off my struggle easily, but realize this. everyday i wake up and make the conscious decision to wake up and have a beautiful experience. a month ago i literally hit rock bottom; everything in the 3D i cared about so much seemed to fall apart. and i had to face that and still find the strength to say, "you know what, fuck this — i can't keep living this way." without the help of the 3D i had to pick myself up everyday, even when i felt like crumbling. i had more than my fair share of crying all day, of feeling like my heart would literally come out because of how hard i cried. considering that maybe life isnt for me after all, and perhaps i would be better off ending it there. i didnt have anything in the external world to give me hope. i had to find hope within myself. i had to look at a world that made me feel so ugly and decide its actually a beautiful world, despite the illusion. i had to take the law seriously, i had to surrender to the teachings, i had to make the art of imagining a daily practice because i decided i deserve better. and only i can give that to myself. the world cannot provide me with anything i refuse to provide myself with — this is the basics of the law. and through persistence, through not giving up on myself on the hard days, i am now singing a much more beautiful song.

when you fully accept that 1) imagining creates reality and 2) you are the only cause for all you experience... it becomes difficult to not take this more seriously. because you know how whatever you are/have within, is your experience. but you have to surrender to those truths, its up to you. i'd recommend listening to the podcast 'feeling twisty' if you're interested in what i'm saying here. mike is really the one who's explanation of the law helped me learn the importance of taking responsibility for my inner world.

im rooting for you sweet, dream place. behind the illusion of the nightmare, a dream awaits. 💖

#i am

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contrabandhothead · 4 years

Note

Hi! I saw your post about requests! :) could I get some BOB head cannons of what it’s like to date them while also being is easy company? :)

I’m so so SO sorry this took so long, and I hope you like it 🤞🏻also, I couldn’t do all of them because school has been keeping me very busy. If you want to send another request, and i’ll do more for you when I have time 💕 Enjoy!

Dick Winters

generally very private about his relationship

mom and dad™ of easy co.

i want to say that he puts you on his team during missions, but i feel like he thinks it’s unprofessional

so he probably puts you on a team with someone he trusts and that he knows won’t take unnecessary risks *cough cough* Speirs *cough cough*

doesn’t mean he doesn’t get worried though

give this man a massage please, he’s stressed af

you’d never want to jeopardize his position though, so you’re generally okay with it

however, sometimes you get a little lonely

Dick notices this and tries to clear out a slot in his schedule in order to spend some quality time with you

treats you like any of the other men, except when you’re alone

king of stolen kisses behind crumbling walls before a battle

very healthy relationship overall 12/10 would be an amazing father

secretly wants to get married when the war is over

i’m not saying he definitely proposed on V-E Day but he definitely did it

cries at the wedding, especially since it’s been so long since he’s seen you all dolled up because of the war

also cries because he’s finally getting to marry the love of his life

drunkenly told Nix at his bachelor party about how amazing you would look at your wedding and then went on and on about the specific shade of your eyes

S I M P

Nix never lets him forget it

Lewis Nixon

this man

let’s be for real here

he has NO idea how to display affection at all, especially because of his past

so he does what any rich boy would do

showers you in gifts that you don’t need

it’s not that you’re ungrateful for them, you just wish he would understand that you don’t love him for his money

i feel like everyone forgets that he’s lowkey rich

can’t relate Nix

he will buy you anything he sees you look at for more than a second

always has them delivered by some random Private

the men tease you RELENTLESSLY for it

“hey Y/N, what did that overflowing wallet buy you this week?”

“Shut up Tab”

is always worried about you

especially since he usually isn’t on the battlefield since he moved to staff

you’re fine

you can definitely handle yourself after Sobel’s training what a fucking dick

takes you out on small simple dates when you guys actually have weekend passes

the guys always help you get ready for your dates (they see you as a little sister it’s really cute)

Ron Speirs

this man

oh wow

the flavor

never really got to see you until Dog Co. was basically absorbed by Easy Co.

definitely thinks he’s not good enough for you

when you first introduced the Easy Co. men to him, they thought the exact same thing (they changed their minds after a while though)

REASSURE THIS MAN. EVERY. STINKIN. DAY. THAT HE IS GOOD ENOUGH.

P L E A S E

secretly is a cuddle monster

will 100% sneak into your foxhole to cuddle and will slit anyone’s throat that mentions it

this man has arms and legs like an octopus when it comes to cuddling

will pull you back into his arms even if you need to use the bathroom and will not be letting go

steals you pretty things for absolutely no reason (Ron, no)

the man is like a freakin magpie

the men of Easy Co. grow to like him more when they realize how happy he makes you and how he doesn’t hurt you

he actually values their opinion on your relationship a lot

he knows Easy is like family and you’re like the younger sister

doesn’t show it though

pushes you away when he feels insecure

jealous™

surprisingly domestic

Carwood Lipton

wholesome but to the max™

you’re both so in love i feel like i’m going to throw up rainbows

signed up for the paratroopers together

i feel like Carwood is the type of person to marry his high school sweetheart

so yeah, you guys are that™ couple

best aunt and uncle of easy co.

Lip worries about you just a littleee more than the other men

he’s just a worry wart in general

almost threw hands with Sobel once when Sobel insulted you

he will not stand for anyone insulting his gal

isn’t as private as Dick is with his relationship, but is known to hide it from superior officers other than Nix and Winters

aka Sobel

was 100% willing to get kicked out of the infantry to defend you from Sobel

thinks a lot about how good of a mom you’d be, especially when he sees you caring for the men

is also a cuddler, though not nearly as clingy as Ron

just a loose arm to tuck you into his side, especially during Bastogne

prefers having you on his team, not only because he cares about you, but also because he admires your skill and accuracy

you’re a damn good shot, and he’d scream it from a mountain for all to hear

so proud of his gal

George Luz

you’re either the jokester and the stoic couple, the shy kid and the jokester couple, or the jokester and the jokester couple

there’s no in between

cracks terrible jokes just to see you smile

still tries pick up lines even AFTER you two are dating (even the guys shake their heads)

you two are the entertainment for easy co. let me tell you

you’re also the only person that can get George to shut up

you must thank him in kisses he takes no other currency

clingy baby™

it’s like dating a 12 year old boy sometimes

he can be so immature but it’s kind of endearing at times

everyone is immediately accepting of your relationship because it just makes sense and you’re both good for each other

wants a hug and a kiss even if you’re just leaving the dining hall to go to the bathroom

just give the man what he wants or he’ll pout all day until you kiss his cheek

you guys once had a match of how long you could ignore each other once

he was surprisingly dedicated

but he broke

he snapped like a twig after everyone went to sleep

he dived into your foxhole and begged you to talk to him

he kept snuggling closer to you until you talked to him again

Joe Toye

rough on the outside, soft on the inside

brings you flowers when he asks you out (surprisingly very traditional and respectful when he asks you out)

everyone has a good time when Toye is with you, he loosens up a lot more

loves when you pet his hair and he can just stare up at the stars while laying in your lap

he’s just as bad as Speirs when it comes to cuddling

a cuddle bug but won’t admit it

actually might be worse than Speirs when it comes to cuddling because he can actually sneak into your bunk while you’re sleeping

also wants to fight Sobel when Sobel insults you and actually almost threw hands

he almost got court martialed and was 2 steps away from getting up in Sobel’s face before Guarnere and Luz stopped him

hands down the dumbest thing he has ever done

you were so mad at him for it

you didn’t talk to him for a week

you felt bad because he was always giving you those puppy dog eyes from across the dining hall

Joe gets teased by the guys for being sweet on you

“at least I got a broad! the rest of ya’ can’t really say that much.”

will not hesitate to let you win during arm wrestling

he’s not allowed to arm wrestle with you anymore because the guys know he’s just letting you win

you’re his #1 fan during arm wrestling

look at those arms tho

Joe Liebgott

y’all thought Toye was soft

OH BOY

the way Joe acts around you is definitely bullying material for the other guys

Lieb drinks respect women juice

thinks you’re so cool

would probably walk up to random people and be like “that’s her. she’s my girlfriend. can you believe how lucky i am?”

thinks it’s so cute when you show off your brand new jump wings to him

you just looked so excited

he wasn’t even staring at the wings when you started rambling about how happy you were, he was just making this stupid in love face

definitely grabbed your face and kissed you hard after that

he wants SO many kids????

ya know those lists that lots of girls have on their phones and it’s just a bunch of future baby names??? that’s Joe

this man has 8 names

4 girls names and 4 boy names

he plans to use every name

just wants to live the domestic life with you after the war

will freeze his ass off and take your watch just so you can get some extra sleep

another cuddle monster (they’re multiplying)

whispers really cute things in german to you until you fall asleep

has also almost fought Sobel for shit he said to you

David Webster

you help him fit in more with the other guys

please teach him the art of socializing

yes, the men have stolen his journal to read all his terrible poetry about you

still gets shit for it to this day

shares his chocolate bar with you

longing stares but from across the room

doesn’t actually take you out until the war is over because he wants to do it right dammit

has little to absolutely no relationship experience

please teach him

or better yet, struggle with him and get made fun of by all the guys

they actually accept Web more now that he’s with you

cuz Easy Co. loves you

sends letters all the time when he’s sent to the hospital

everyone teases him that he acts like he’s more likely married to Liebgott than to you

you’re the only reason the men will stop teasing him

definitely more badass then him

you radiate boss energy and that’s what easy co. likes about you

especially Web

everyone’s like “that’s my girl!”

and he just smiles in the corner with the rest of them

Bill Guarnere

DID I SAY SOFT???

S O F T

weak for his girl

arm wrestles just to get your attention (flexes all the time for pete’s sake)

also wants like a gazillion children and talks about it constantly with Liebgott

this man wants an army of little Italian kids

no one makes fun of you or Guarnere for his actions to get your attention because they don’t want his fist in their face

people who have almost punched Sobel for making fun of their girl: let’s add Guarnere to the list

you didn’t ignore him, you just told him off for being an idiot

if i could describe it, he sulked like a puppy that got told no more treats

so proud of you when you get your jump wings

probably makes a toast about it at the celebration

he was so drunk but it was so cute

literally will do anything for your attention

chugging three bottles of whiskey so Y/N will pay attention to me??? pass the bottle bitch

not a massive cuddle monster but enjoys PDA and the occassional ass slap

probably has slapped your ass in front of company before

this boy has no morals smh

don’t worry, you get him back though

Frank Perconte

worry wart but multiply it by 1000x

is always bothering you to brush your teeth

not because he’s scared your breath stinks, but because he cares about you and your oral hygiene

now gets bullied about oral hygiene and his relationship with you

ft Skip. “oh Y/N, take me away my princess. did you brush your little pearly teeth??? i would never want your perfect smile to be ruined.”

Skip has been chased multiple times around Toccoa for this behavior

will fight anyone that thinks you’re not a good shot

is amazed how good you are at darts (knows you’re better than Buck)

does share a foxhole with you

is NOT part of the monster cuddler club because he knows when to stop

has not arm wrestled for your attention but will if so needed

always needs attention

whiny 12 year old boy P.2

sometimes it’s like you’re dating Luz as well

Luz has purposefully third wheeled before

yes, you heard me

ON PURPOSE

likes spontaneous dates

would fight Sobel for you but isn’t stupid enough to almost do it

Buck Compton

realized he had heart eyes for you before his old girl broke it off with him

WAS RELIEVED WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS DONE WITH HIM IN BASTOGNE

the other Easy men were like “dude, what the hell are you waiting for. GO GET YOUR GIRL!”

let’s you win at darts

is also stupid and needy enough to arm wrestle for your attention

actually wins though

wants you to kiss his guns (absolutely not sir)

jealous and protective

jealous af around Winters

gets teased a lot about it by the other men

but they can see why he’s insecure about it, Winter’s could sweep any girl he wanted to off her feet

indeed a cuddle monster

will only share a foxhole with you in Bastogne

no one else

radiator of heat and thus a good cuddler though

will only let you make fun of him without repercussions

wants you to move in as soon as the war is over

always demands to be in your unit during an attack

will keep you safe at all costs (and one of the reasons why he got shot in the ass again)

Floyd Talbert

THE ABSOLUTE SWEETEST BABY

people use to bully Tab for his condom shipments

now they bully him for the way he acts around you

tough guy??? no. absolute stick of melted butter when around you

thinks you’re a saint

so does the rest of Easy though, so I guess it doesn’t matter

they had everyone from Easy give him a pep talk just to ask you out (Trigger even barked at him)

he was actually worried you would reject him

no one will ever reject that man lol it doesn’t make sense

not necessarily a cuddle monster

DEFINITELY A PDA MONSTER THOUGH

likes when you sit on his lap

can’t explain it, it just makes sense

will also arm wrestle for your attention

will honestly do anything for you

you need me to bring you Jupiter in a jar???

sure babe I’ll be right back

has specific pet names for you

his favorites are buttercup, angel, and beautiful

Babe Heffron

P U R E

does not get bullied for being in a relationship with you because everyone loves him

not a single person in this company, including you, would hesitate to sacrifice their life for that replacement

whines a lot to you when you don’t give him attention

will arm wrestle for your attention and loses

has not had the chance to fight Sobel before but I feel like he could if he wanted to

will tear Dike to shreads if he even mutter one hateful word against you

cuddle monster #2323293

enjoys being the little spoon and the big spoon while in the foxhole

shares his food with you during meals

will not hesitate to get shot in the ass for you

also will not hesitate to get shot for you in general

is like an angry 6 year old baby when you don’t pay attention to him

is known to give the silent treatment when you’re too busy to talk to him for days

MAKE TIME FOR HIM DO IT NOW

wants you to meet his Ma in Philly after the war

has many hopeful dreams that include you after the war

will only share chocolate with you and Gene

give him a hug, even when he says he doesn’t need it

Eugene Roe

HOLY SWEET JESUS

FIRST OFF

NO ONE IN THEIR GODDAMN RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER MAKE FUN OF YOU, ESPECIALLY AROUND DOC

this man has so many pet names

he is not afraid to use them on the battlefield, especially if you’re bleeding out because he’ll know you’ll answer to them

“darlin’, mon amour, ma mie, ma belle, ma chérie”

please stop Gene, it’s embarassing but also like don’t stop

get us a defibrillator his heart stopped while he was looking at you and we need to do CPR NOW-

thinks you’re the most beautiful girl ever

is not dumb enough to arm wrestle for your attention

he just makes this grumpy or upset face and you catch on quickly

he’s also not dumb enough to fight Sobel

BUT HE WILL FIGHT ANY SOLDIER WITH THE AUDACITY TO INSULT YOU

is always worrying about you

especially in Bastogne

always jumping into your foxhole to check for any wounds

probably lost his sizzuhs that way

always has extra bandages just for you

treats you with tender care

Donald Malarkey

THE CUTEST COUPLE EVER

NOT EVEN SKIP HAS THE HEART TO MAKE FUN OF YOU

is not dumb enough to fight Sobel for you

doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to punch him though

is dumb enough to arm wrestle for your attention

it lowkey depends on the day though

i mean

he doesn’t need to arm wrestle for you to admire his arms

like, have you seen that gif of him taking of his shirt???

loves cuddles in your foxhole but is not a cuddle monster

he’s a big baby when he gets tired

loves it when you take care of him

has definitely fallen asleep once on your shoulder during watch

would run up Currahee with full gear 3 times just to see you smile

he needs a hug. give him one now.

likes to rest his chin on your head

also wants you to move in (and maybe get married) after the war

treats you kindly, but he’s still a sarcastic little shit

kiss his muscles

that was literally so long i can’t believe i finished

#dick winters #lewis nixon #ronald speirs #ron speirs #carwood lipton #george luz #frank perconte #joe toye #joe liebgott #david webster #bill guarnere #buck compton #floyd talbert #babe heffron #eugene roe #donald malarkey #band of brothers #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers headcanon

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