no more monster prom as comfort media, now every character is solidly fucked the hell up and have more than a few things to be very reasonably angry/frustrated about in a notably un-presentable way

ML Lies Episode Predictions:

There’s Two?? (don’t trust my math) more days before lies completely destroys me, so I’m going to make some predictions, and by predictions I mean wishlist. My walls are already up, so if none of these happen I won’t be disappointed, but also a girl can dream: (this is somehow 1700 entire words long because I have a lot of feelings, so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome)

—Adrien and Kagami’s are secretly dating: please I want it so bad, I’ve talked about this so much and emotionally I need it!! At the very least I want them to sneak out together so so bad I’d cry. But also, if they’re hiding it from their other friends for whatever reason, thats SUCH good angst potential.

—If we get to see some kinda montage of them sneaking out??? Id ride that high for months. Even just one actual example of them working together to sneak out would obliterate me. Like, how it shows Kagami sneaking out to go to the game in Ikari Gozen?? I’d cry

—The breakup happens as a direct result of it being a secret relationship: this would be SUCH a good parallel to lukanette. Lukanette broke up because Luka wanted Marinette to be more open with him and he hated being in the dark, so just, the parallels if Adrien wants to be more open about adrimi and Kagami is like “you dont understand, if your dad finds out about us he will end this immediately” but Adrien wants to believe that its going to be okay and no one will react badly? I’m probably explaining this badly and I’ll try to explain it better later I just,,, want parallels and opposites and truth v lies and hhhhh

—Fencing??? Friendly/ affectionate competition??? Them being idiot jocks in love??? Please??? I want to see them compete!!

—I’d love to see Kagami character growth + Adrimi relationship development!!! I want her to love herself more and be more comfortable around him!!!

—Specifically, if there was a parallel to Riposte,, and Adrien beat Kagami in a fencing match and Kagami was like “Oh nice!! :D good game!” I’d be so happy I’d cry!! And it’s kinda implied by Chat Blanc that they’re already there in there relationship?? But not confirmed?? So if I saw it or saw confirmation of it I’d cry!!

—in one of the released photos it looked like they were holding hands??? And at this point my expectations are so low I don’t even trust it yet but blease,,, let them hold hands,, i’d cry of joy

—If Adrien is also constantly leaving and disappearing due to akuma responsibilities, I want it to read SUPER differently from the Lukanette because I love parallels/foils!! Marinette disappears on her dates with Luka and its just “oh marinette is really distracted and busy and frazzled” but I dont think Adrimi but be loke that at all!!! Because as far as Kagami knows, she has the same backstory/current story as Adrien. She’s risking a lot by sneaking out to go on dates with him?? So Adrien seeing an akuma and being like “oh sorry father is calling” isnt even suspicious or anything??? Its 100% believable!!! If her mother called she’d immediately be like “oh fricking heck i Need To Leave this instant immediately.” So its less “Adrien doesnt care about her” and more of just twisting the knife and reminding her that life doesnt want them to be together and Adrien is never going to be free!!! Big ouch to her heart!!!

—also I want!!!! Them!!! To talk about their feelings!!! Because parallels to truth!!! Adrien is like “sorry I have to go” and Kagami is like “oh I hate that so much” and Adrien is like “big same.” (Also idk how realistic this is but I’d love it if ‘Kagami talking about her feelings’ wasn’t the cause of strife in their relationship!! Like, she talks about how she feels and when she’s upset and Adrien is like “yeah me too” and they’re just,, good bros)

—I need them to stay friends after the breakup, i need it i need it i need it!!! And the whole issue is!! I feel like the main reason they’d date is to try and hang out more?!?? So if the breakup was actually them talking to each other and being like “hey so this isnt working with sneaking out, we’re going to need to go back to the way it was before,” rather than them saying they were bad for each other???? Hoo boy i’d lose my mind

—Also!!! My favorite prediction, I’d die of joy if this happened (and also of angst). I want there to be so much drama with “secret relatinship” stuff that they try to fix it by going public with their relationship!! Very low chance of this actually happening but its okay if it doesnt, thats what the fanfiction I’m inevitably going to write immediately after watching the episode is for!!! But anyway,, multiple ways this could happen.

Maybe they’ve been secretly dating since Miracle Queen and they decide to go public at the beginning of this episode and that’s the primary source of plot/conflcit!!! I’d be thrilled!!!

BUT!!! if the episode ends with then Not Breaking Up, but instead deciding to go from dating secretly to dating publicly???? Holy Freaking Heck,,, I’d go feral with emotion!!!! I also need to expand on this so much more but basic rundown of how I imagine it could happen (again: Is it likely?? Probably not! but this is my last chance to dream):

Kagami is like “listen we have the same backstory and I KNOW in my soul that this relationship wouldn’t work if it was public”

Adrien is like “okay yeah I feel you, thats fair”

Kagami goes on dates with Adrien and its fun and nice and lovely and the honeymoon phase is so good and exciting

Adrien starts disappearing a lot, partly because of akuma attacks, but partly because of nathalie and gabe calling him constantly

Adrien starts to be like “well actually i think that my dad does care about me probably? And if he knew why I wanted to go he’d let me! Or at least Nathalie would because clearly she cares about me!”

Kagami is like “hhhnngg have you met them?? You think they’d want you to be happy and free??” Except she can’t just SAY that because if she did then she’d be crushing Adrien’s entire heart and possibly also making him get really defensive and he has to come to the conclusion that his parents are good on his own

Kagami also starts to get frustrated with how much more often Adrien has to leave than she does?? And its because of akuma attacks but she doesnt know that and he cant tell her

Adrien starts to get frustrated because he can take the “having to leave for akuma attacks” part but when he finally finishes an akuma battle and Natalie immediately calls him it is just aaaaaAAAAAAAA and he just wants to believe so badly that he could at least take control of that part??? He could at least get Nathalie to help him out??? Probably maybe right???

Because we all know he HATES having to keep secrets from Ladybug, but he’ll do it for her, and he’ll keep his life as Chat a secret, but Kagami??? He should at least be able to talk about that, right?? He’s not doing anything bad/dangerous/etc

Also there could very well be some angst with Adrien being so so worried about Nathalie because she’s bedridden and his dad is being sketchy and he’s SEEN this before and he doesn’t want to be avoiding Natalie or lying to her because what if he loses her too??? He’d feel so guilty! And he needs the support of a parent figure so much,,, so he HAS to tell her the truth

But he respects Kagami’s wishes and he’s not going to betray her trust

But unlike Lukanette, they DO talk about their feelings and they disagree and stuff, and even if he’s trying not to be confrontational, Kagami is like “i can tell youre uncomfortable about something, please just tell me what it is” so he tells her that he disagrees

Kagami gets akumatized?? idk if it’s even been confirmed that she’s the akuma “Lies” but I’d assume she is because parallels to Lukanette

Maybe it happens as a direct result of some moment where Kagami and Adrien are arguing and in the heat of the moment he says something hurtful??

Maybe they’re arguing and then Adrien has to leave before it can resolve and Kagami is mad about it even though shes trying not to be and she gets akumatized???

Maybe she does say something like “bc your dad sucks and nathalie sucks!” and he yells or something (i want to see Adrien yell and be flawed let me live, and this is one of the most likely scenerios for it to happen bc it would HURT for him)

Maybe Kagami shoots back with anger, maybe Adrien’s been calm but Kagami gets mean for a moment, but regardless, Kagami says something about her true feelings of anger at nathalie/gabe/ etc and before Adrien can respond he’s like “oh shoot sorry I need to get home NOW”

Then for one brief second Kagami’s TERRIFIED that he’s going to tell nathalie about this in his anger and then nathalie’s going to be like “oh kagami is clearly bad for you because she made u this upset” and Adrien will LISTEN because hes stupid and he still listens to his horrible adult figures and Kagami is so mad about the entire situation so then in her moment of weakness she gets akumatized

Look at that its a direct opposite of Lukanette because Luka was afraid of Marinette keeping secrets about why she’s always vanishing because he doesnt know and Kagami is afraid of Adrien telling secrets about why HEs always vanishing bc she thinks she does know,,

But anyway, after she gets de-akumatized, she’s so ashamed of it and she can see how far she took it and how many people it hurt,, and Adrien is really sad and apologetic and trying to support her,, and she’s like “no clearly I was actually wrong, keeping this a secret is hurting you and its hurting me and now its hurting random civilians”

So she tells Adrien that they should tell people about it and stop dating in secret

And then multiple possible ending:

Does he say “actually no, youre right, they wouldnt let this happen, so if we cant date in public and dating in secret is hurting us then we shouldnt date at all” and thats how the breakup goes??? That would literally obliterate me

Does the episode end on a false positive where Adrien hasnt told them yet and he is like “yeah this is gonna be great” and there isnt an actual breakup yet?? Because that would also kill me (even though i doubt theyre going to let adrimi take up that much time in the show but, let me dream)

Also if Adrien is like “we shouldnt tell my parents but we should tell someone” and then they tell Marinette and now shes got ANOTHER secret to keep and aaaaaaaAAAAA?? Id die on the spot

I’m still holding out hope that the episode will give me enough crumbs to at least be able to write this better, but regardless of what happens in the episode,,, the chances of me eventually writing fanfiction exploring this are SO HIGH, I’ve been thinking about this for ages

In conclusion:

—no matter what happens in lies, its going to destroy me

—please let them be in a secret relationship it makes so much sense for their characters and for the drama and aaaaAAAAA

—also please give me the parallels to lukanette where their issues are exactly the opposite and it still falls apart

Thank you for your time, I’ll be excitedly vibrating at the speed of sound for the next two days until we get answers!! Depending on how the episode goes, I’ll either be writing so much adrimi fluff to recover,, so much adrimi angst to vent,, or I’ll be staring at the ceiling screaming for a few days as I post nothing but keysmashes and try to sort through my emotions :)

what are your thoughts on sam as a man of color?

OKAY so i do sort of go into this in my fic but im not gonna make u sift thru it for my opinions cuz i like to hear myself talk :) also disclaimer im gonna be exclusively talking abt the early seasons cuz i dont know or understand whats going on post s4. also also disclaimer all the posts im making abt this r about john as a white man and maryam as an arab woman . OK lets get into it

so one of the big differences btwn sam and dean is a question of assimilation. and dont get me wrong both of them do it in different ways but the first information we get about sam is that he’s trying VERY hard to assimilate not into the hunter cowboy culture that dean is but into the PROTECTED lifestyle of middle/upper class normalcy and ivy leagues and a pretty blonde wife and a respectable job in tax law or whatever. like a lot of sam’s characterization in the early seasons is about striving not necessarily towards “Normalcy” (although thats an essential part of it) but, more broadly, towards the moral ideal that’s been set forth by the white supremacist christian hegemony of american culture. and this manifests in the way that he runs away to stanford and tries so so hard to fit in, and also in his self destructive devotion to the christian god. it’s almost entirely based in a feeling of being unclean or unholy, and he believes in god not as a comfort but as a desperation for salvation, or a purification of what he believes is dirty blood.

so sam is TRYING to assimilate into this mainstream moral ideal, we see that, and there are times where he actually almost succeeds! he got into stanford with a full ride on his own merit! he did really well all four years, and he ended up with friends and a white woman he wanted to marry and entrance into a career that would have marked him as a respectable and fairly well off man for the rest of his life. he is a faithful christian, he prays every day and he reads the bible and he genuinely believes. surface level, he might have been comfortable forgetting about his roots and assimilating successfully for the rest of his life. but, crucially, he DOESNT succeed. why?

there is something marking him as “different” the entire time, something inherent, something he can’t shake off no matter how hard he tries to repress it. at stanford, of course, its his childhood, the monster hunting, the fucked up family, the extreme poverty. with christianity, its the demon blood. he can pretend all his life to be a good christian middle class lawyer with a nice white wife and a nice picket fence, but at the end of the day that life was not built for somebody like sam, and to succeed in it he will have to repress parts of himself that will never go away.

put this into the context of race. i said that i think dean’s relationship with gender white supremacy americana etc becomes more interesting when he’s a brown skinned man of color. dean is unable to assimilate into the kind of life that sam aims for. he has a markedly more antagonistic relationship with cops, he couldn’t get through school even though he’s demonstrably very intelligent, and he just doesn’t make the kind of first impression that sam does; people see sam as sweeter, kinder, more trustworthy, somebody who can be reasoned with. dean, by contrast, is usually treated with more wariness, more distrust. it’s dean who’s the primary target of the manhunt (before they fucking dropped that plotline lmao). all of this evidence taken together, sam, i think, is noticeably lighter than dean, maybe even conditionally white passing.

and this is an important part of how he’s trying to assimilate. he can feel that he’s ALMOST there, that he can ALMOST be the american moral christian ideal he’s been taught is more important than anything, if he can just contort himself into something that closely resembles a middle class christian white man. but that’s all he can ever do, is RESEMBLE that, no matter how hard he works. so he might be a token diversity point at his workplace or his school: of course he earned his place there, but he’s still aware that his position doesn’t come with the same ease of the middle class christian white man sitting next to him. so sam tries to make himself smaller, keeps himself clean shaved, his hair neat, doesn’t let himself tan too much, speaks softly and eloquently, represses his anger, doesn’t talk about his family, dates white girls, has unthreatening career aspirations, tries so so so so so hard to be a good christian because maybe, he thinks, someday he’ll wake up and he won’t feel like he’s wrapped in cellophane, separated by something clear but strong from the culture he’s trying to earn a place in. maybe he’ll feel one day that he’s earned his place, that he’s just the same as everybody around him, that he won’t have this unspoken but obvious difference to him that follows him everywhere. he thinks maybe he’ll be able to separate himself entirely from monstrousness, that one day he’ll pray and it won’t feel like begging to be somebody else.

but when dean comes for him. slowly but surely, he starts to realize that there never has been and never will be a place for him in this american white supremacist christian culture, and the cracks start to appear. he realizes that he’s never really felt at home anywhere, that the roots he’d tried so hard to put down were all wrapped in cellophane too, and after jess’s death, its the easiest thing in the world to pull those roots up because he never belonged there anyway. he starts getting angrier, stops caring who hears him yell. he stops repressing the powers that he’s been hiding from himself for as long as he can remember. very slowly, he looks this fact straight in the face: he is a monstrous Other, and he will never be anything else. he’s always been more self aware than dean, but it doesn’t help him now. he becomes angrier and more desperate all at once, pushing dean away and pulling him closer at the same time, praying more vehemently and still using his powers more often, letting himself become scarier looking and still sweet talking cops. he’s in this permanent state of conflict, because it’s virtually impossible for him to realize that the value system he’s had such faith in his entire life is false and cruel, so when he finds that he’s permanently locked outside of it, it doesn’t help him, it only convinces him that he’s a monster.

Small Buff Girl Sightings Ch. 5

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ao3

3:00AM | CoffeeVamp: bb bat update us TheOG: ^^ more info on the situation in paris

3:28AM | Demonspawn: It is difficult to obtain information on Hawkmoth. The butterflies disperse after they are cleansed, and before they land their target, they don’t show up electronically.  Coffee Vamp: o how the mighty have fallen i thought u said u could best me bb boi

3:42AM | Demonspawn: I’d like to see you do better. Coffee Vamp: IS THAT A CHALLENGE Coffee Vamp: ill take u up on that gimme 24 hours and ur going down TheOG: he has had a whole month so dont be too sure of that LadyLady: would you guys SHUT UP its two and some of us have jobs to do Coffee Vamp: cmon babs u luv us dont deny it LadyLady: Don’t make me hunt you down, Tim. Coffee Vamp: oOooO proper punctuation im shaking TheOG: just shut off notifications Babs TheOG: Bruce does Jesus: i don’t think the man has checked this chat in years Coffee Vamp: wdym brucie checks the chat all the time hes just a silent lurker Coffee Vamp: he doesnt even set himself to invisible

3:57AM | Daddy is away. Coffee Vamp: im so glad i have admin privileges imagine if i didnt bruce would have a boring normal nickname like his actual name LadyLady: good lord, why am I even in this chat?? Daddy: You’re supposed to keep them under control. Coffee Vamp: SEE I TOLD U BRUCE IS A SILENT LURKER> THIS. IS. SOLID. PROOF. IN YOUR FACE TheOG: nobody said otherwise Coffee Vamp: also how are the people have you made friends Jesus: Demon spawn? Making friends? Id be less surprised if he told us he has a new fling Coffee Vamp: is j right? Got a winter fling? 

4:12AM | Coffee Vamp: ur lack of a response tells us nothing  TheOG: im sure he’s just adopted his usual icy persona Coffee Vamp: haha hes the bb of so many things Coffee Vamp: bb vamp bb demon spawn ice ice bb Coffee Vamp: getitt im so funny

4:36AM | Coffee Vamp: guys?

“I told you I could get her to write her number on your cup,” Marinette grins with pride.

“And I told you I didn’t want her to.” Damian scowls and kicks a pebble in his path.

“You’re still wearing the clothes I picked out for you,” she points out.

“You told me to wear it. I wore it. I’m not interested in her.” 

Marinette squints at Damian, evaluates whether he’s telling the truth or not. “Huh, you really aren’t interested. I guess it’s a good thing you didn’t wear the other outfit I picked out for you-- that one would have gotten her to ask you out on the spot.”

Damian groans. “We’re going to have to find a new coffee place.”

“Or we could just come when she’s not on shift and run away like mice when we do see her?”

Damian gives her The Look.

“But they have good coffee here,” Marinette whines.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before dressing me up and sending me to my death.”

“It’s not my fault! You only have your parents to blame for your looks.”

It’s true; both of Damian’s parents are good-looking. His whole family is, actually, adopted or not. All of the good looking people he meets are talented and have a tragic life story. Which is the cause and which is the effect, Damian isn’t sure. But it holds true even in Paris. All he has to do is look at Marinette or Adrien, though he’s not a hundred percent sure where the tragedy kicks in for Marinette. Probably the time when she was at odds with Lila, but he hasn’t looked much into the situation. He can even use Lila Rossi as an example. She has even worse color coordination than Damian is, but her features are model worthy. Lila Rossi is also definitely fucked up in ways that Damian doesn’t care to explore.

The effects of Marinette’s well-placed compliments has Damian thinking about himself in a positive manner that he never has before. Bruce is always stingy with praise, and the other senior members of the Justice League of America see him as another Robin that doesn’t need praise because competency comes with the mantle. Dick and Barbara compliment him occasionally, but that’s rarer now that his place is more firmly cemented in the family. Damian doesn’t think he’s ever had someone so willing to genuinely compliment him. Marinette’s compliments extend to more than just his looks, as well. She praises his technological skills as he sets up her website and has complimented him as he helps her out with whatever altercations she inevitably comes across on the streets. If he reveals his skills as Robin, reveals himself as Damian Wayne, will he receive even more praise?

“But since we did buy you that absolute knockout of an outfit, you’re going to have to wear it eventually. So whose heart do you want to steal?”

“I don’t want a relationship,” Damian repeats. They seem like more effort than they’re worth, and he always sees couples fighting and complaining about each other. Plus, they have to make time for each other and his alter ego doesn’t allow for that, though he supposes that he isn't Robin. At least, not right now.

“You don’t need to want a relationship just to flirt with somebody. Who’s it going to be? The intern at the Louvre? My parent’s newest hire? Oooh, how about Nicolette?” Marinette’s voice takes on a more mischievous tone. 

Damian will give Marinette this much: her taste in the aesthetics of people is far from bad. The intern from the Louvre is two hundred pounds of lean muscle with a devil-may-care smile and a deep, belly laugh that makes people laugh with him, but Damian and he don’t have anything in common. Her parent’s new hire is knockout gorgeous, with warm brown eyes, and definitely the kind of girl Damian would have gone for as a one night stand back in Gotham. However, he’s also 98% sure that she has a very possessive boyfriend who stops by the bakery every time she has a shift. Nicolette is considered her college’s belle, and her intense gaze paired with her surprisingly friendly demeanor might have been appealing to Damian if she weren’t ten years older than him. 

“I’m not into any of them,” he says, simply.

“Then who are you into? Surely someone has caught your eye in the past month?” Marinette looks genuinely curious, but her expression shifts into horror. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I never asked your preferences, if I was being insensitive, I’m sorry, I mean I’m pan, but you absolutely don’t have to tell me, it’s your right if you’re not comfortable.”

Damian does look slightly uncomfortable now that she’s looking at him more closely. His arms are crossed over each other, across his chest, and his hair is tousled. Then, he lets out a small laugh, and Marinette melts. “It’s fine, Pigtails. All of the people you listed are attractive, but I’m not attracted to them. I’m more of a personality guy, though I can’t say that personality has stopped me from things more than dates before.”

He’s had his fair share of hook-ups and makeout sessions in the past when feeling particularly frustrated with something that wasn’t going his way, though his primary method of relief is through sparring. Short missions and one night stands go fairly well together; he doesn’t ever have to deal with people wanting long term relationships, and even if they do, he’s gone before they know it. So far, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone in Paris, but then again, he’s only been here for a month and this is a long term mission. Whatever time he’s not with Marinette or at school is dedicated to piecing together the mystery that is the Miraculous and trying to figure out Hawkmoth’s identity. 

“Oh,” Marinette continues to blush.

She’s clearly too embarrassed to bring up any other topic, so Damian decides that he’ll shoot the same conversation topic back at her. Marinette is attractive, and people she meets ask for her numbers and dates often enough. She’ll accept the former if they aren’t a total creep, but she always turns down requests for dates.

“And you? Why aren’t you out there questing for love? No crushes or significant others that I need to beat off with a stick?”

This does manage to lessen her flush. She frowns, turns something over in her mind. 

“No crushes right now, no. I used to have a huge crush on Adrien just a year ago. He’s such a sweet person, but we don’t see eye to eye on important matters.” And also not into sex, either. Even physical affection hits him the wrong way sometimes, which makes Marinette worry even further for his well being with Lila’s constant touches. Still, he hasn’t said anything, and Lila hasn’t done anything more than grasp his arm or shoulders every now and then, to reassure the class that yes, they are the golden couple. Marinette also suspects that he is very unwilling to talk about the whole situation in general, and it’s not as though they’re super close.

Of course she had a crush on Adrien. Damian can see it now, Marinette looking at Adrien with her big blue eyes, her lashes fluttering when she gets close to him. Stuttering when she gets embarrassed or when she gets close to him. It makes his lungs constrict, but he’s not sure why.

“As for past relationships, there’s only really Luka. We had a pretty good run, but he’s out of the country, touring. He wanted to try long distance, but I didn’t really want that. But he’s respectful-- there’s no need to beat him off with a stick or anything.”

“I’m surprised a pretty girl like you doesn’t have more suitors,” Damian says, stepping over a crack in the sidewalk as they walk towards the park.

Marinette gags. “There are some other people who have been interested, but I wouldn’t exactly consider them relationship material. If you’re going after a girl just because she looks exotic, that’s sort of nasty. I guess I’m just unlucky in love.”

“At least you’re not as bad off as Ladybug is,” Damian jokes.

She looks at him strangely. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, first there was that creepy sculptor who must have been twice her age, then there’s Chat Noir who keeps flirting with her despite her requests not to, plus all of the random love akumas. I’m not even going to talk about the hordes of guys who chase after her, trying to get a date just because she’s a superhero. It’s not even like she can kick them between the legs because she has an image to uphold and all that.” He smirks, nudges her with his arm. “I’m surprised you haven’t done that with some of your stalkers.”

“Oh. You’re right, huh. Though, I don’t think Chat Noir has actually flirted for a while now.”  Chat Noir has been very subdued as of late, and it makes Ladybug worry.

Marinette feels uncomfortable with the way the conversation has shifted. How does Damian know about all of these past akuma attacks? As far as Marinette is aware, most information about anything Miraculous related is difficult to get a hold of abroad, largely because the Miraculous try to hide their existence as best they can, and partially because Mayor Bourgeois doesn’t want word to get out that he hasn’t flushed a supervillain terrorist out even though he’s had three years to do it.

“Copycat happened three years ago.” It’s a question, almost.

“I figure I might as well keep up with the heroes of Paris. I’m here and they’re interesting.” Damian figures this is as good a time as any to bring up his interest in Hawkmoth. Marinette has been nothing but helpful and she’s definitely the kind of person whose heart is in the right place. Not to mention that she’s definitely smart and seems impartial; the one time he asked her about her thoughts on the heroes, he found out that she didn’t see them as perfect. She was able to critique Ladybug in full, which seemed pretty odd considering the rest of Paris seemed to have nothing but glowing praise for the heroine. “You’ve had some awful luck with akumas yourself. Weird how Ladybug didn’t show up when you got kidnapped by Evillustrator. One of the only times she didn’t show up for an akuma.”

“And what happened to the other heroes? It’s mostly Ladybug now. She must be in an awful state with her civilian life.” He looks off to the park, occasionally flicking his attention back Marinette’s face, evaluating her expression.

She catches his eyes and he swiftly looks away, looking almost nervous. Marinette stiffens. He knows, he knows, he knows, he can’t know. But how? How does he know that she’s Ladybug? She hasn’t let anything slip around him. She's been careful not to. Everything she’s ever said about Ladybug has been brief and curt, taking on an almost angry tone.

“If you’re so interested in Parisian heroes, I’m sure you saw the press conference Ladybug and Chat Noir gave last year about why the other heroes would be showing up less often.” Marinette keeps her voice carefully neutral. She needs to play this safe. She’s probably over reacting-- she’s been on edge with Hawkmoth sending out an akuma attack nearly every single day for the past few months.

Damian shakes his head. “It didn’t seem like good reasoning. Ladybug and Chat Noir are too untrained. They haven’t beat two villains in three years. They should let someone else take over.” 

Marinette has come across a good number of Ladybug and Chat Noir haters throughout her time. Those who dislike the Parisian heroes often make the exact same arguments Damian is now. That they’re not fast enough. That they should have taken down Hawkmoth and Mayura already. This is nothing new to her, though it does hurt hearing it from Damian, for some reason. She can’t even argue with most of the points he’s brought up. Going mostly solo was because of her own, selfish reasons. She really should have beaten Hawkmoth and Mayura by now. 

“The only thing they have going for them right now is that they’re keeping their Miraculous out of Hawkmoth’s hands.” She pretends that the reason why Chat Noir doesn’t show up to battle is to ensure that Hawkmoth can’t get both of the Miraculous in one fell swoop. It feels hopeless to fight villain after villain without any movement forwards. Her mind wanders to the increasing frequency of akumas and smiles, sardonically. “Some people think it’s only a matter of time until Ladybug and Chat Noir lose.”

“Hawkmoth almost seems to be the better strategist.” The two of them pass store front after store front. “Do you ever wonder what they look like, under the mask? Who they are?”

Marinette stares at the concrete underneath her feet. Hawkmoth, the better strategist? Laughable, and entirely incorrect. Even the people who hate Ladybug admit that her plans almost always work out, and that her plans are second to none. Really the only person who can possibly think that Hawkmoth is a better strategist is--

She can’t think like that. Damian is her friend. He’s just curious about Paris. Her lack of sleep and increase in paranoia re making her imagine things that are impossible. Besides, Damian isn’t on her list of suspects-- he told her he’s only been here for a short time, and Hawkmoth’s Miraculous definitely has a limited range. It’s a real pity that the world of Miraculous makes concrete evidence hard to come by, otherwise, Marinette likes to think Hawkmoth would have been behind bars already. 

“No,” she lies. Hawkmoth haunts her dreams and every waking hour. She spends hours and hours on theories and scouring out information and people who fit the clues she’s painstakingly pieced together. “Not really.”

Damian’s eyes are a piercing green, and for a moment, Marinette thinks she stops breathing. “Is that so? I’m really interested in who Ladybug is under the mask. I’d love the opportunity to talk to her in person, especially about her Miraculous. The powers she has are… very interesting.”

No. There’s no way that Damian can be Hawkmoth, right? This is all just her paranoia speaking. Damian is just a foreigner who is interested in super heroes. It’s no biggie. Still, she can’t shake off the idea that there’s more to Damian than meets the eye. The way he walks-- no, prowls-- commands respect. Marinette can tell that he knows how to fight, and knows how to fight well. He’s very good at finding information on people-- she sent a whole case file to her on Renee and his situation with his mother within twenty four hours of going into the precinct, complete with video evidence Marinette knows should have been impossible to procure without hacking-- and keeps up with her critiques on Ladybug and Chat Noir’s techniques like he’s watched their battles over and over again. He remembers akuma battles Marinette has half forgotten, because they happened so long ago.

She stares up at him, hands shoved in the pockets of the jacket she chose for him when they went on their wardrobe makeover. Damian is surprisingly wealthy; he purchased anything she even glanced at with passing approval. He looks straight forward, apparently waiting for some response from her. Just because Damian is her friend, doesn’t mean she can immediately expunge him from her list of suspects. So far, she has taken all of Damian’s words at face value. It didn’t matter to her that he rarely talks about his family or his life before Paris. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t brought her to his home during all of the weeks that they’ve been hanging out together. Really, Marinette just figured that he had a rocky relationship with his family, and that he may have been on the poorer side and was embarrassed to show her where he lived. But clearly. Damian is well off enough to afford brand name clothes without batting an eye. Things aren’t adding up. All of the red flags that she’s blatantly ignored start to crop up in her head.

The book on the species of butterflies that akumas are made of, tucked under his arm. The way he showed up after every single akuma attack when she rarely saw him in the area before or during it. His knowledge of the three languages that form the basis of the Miraculous Tome-- Mandarin, Arabic, and English.

If he is Hawkmoth, what sort of emotions would he be feeling right now? Some sort of euphoria, maybe, realizing that he could get infinitely closer to Ladybug when she is Marinette. Anticipation, too. Has Marinette been hanging out with a super villain for the past month? Has she really come to the point where she can call a supervillain her best friend?

Marinette takes another look at Damian’s outfit. Master Fu said that the Miraculous Hawkmoth owns is in the shape of a brooch. Marinette sees no such object on Damian, which could either mean that he’s not Hawkmoth or that he’s just been taking it off whenever he’s with her. She’s really hoping it’s not the second option.

She needs to gather her thoughts, make a plan on how to proceed. When she’s sure that Damian isn’t looking, Marinette sets off the ringtone that is saved for her Maman’s texts and calls. This catches Damian’s attention, and she waves looks up from her phone as though she’s responding. 

“Maman wants me to do a delivery. If you’re looking for more information on the whole superhero situation in Paris, I can get you Alya’s number. She runs the Ladyblog-- I’m sure she’d be glad to talk with you.” Alya also has some of the worst conspiracy theories that Marinette has ever seen. She doesn’t often keep abreast of what the Ladyblog’s portrayal of Ladybug is, but back when Marinette and Alya were friends, she was subjected to wild theories that made her stomach nauseous with how little logic there was. Which means that if-- if-- Damian is actually Hawkmoth, he might be thrown off by what she says.

“I’ll see you on Monday? Jagged texted me last night and wants me to change the embroidery on his commission.” This isn’t exactly a lie; Jagged wants one of the smaller details to be changed, but it certainly won’t take as long as she’s suggesting. Marinette hopes that it’s enough of an excuse to get Damian off her back for the rest of today and tomorrow while she reevaluates her game plans and life choices. 

Damian waves her off. “I don’t think that Ladyblogger girl knows anymore than I do. She’s of no help to me. I’ll see you on Monday.”

#

Marinette’s reaction to Damian’s questions are weird. There’s an underlying tension that she exuded before they parted ways, and he’s still thinking about it a day later.

Marinette, who he always finds near an akuma attack right after it occurs. Marinette, who is emotionally and physically superior to most other Parisians. Marinette, who hasn’t been akumatized in a class full of idiots and other victims. Marinette, who doesn’t like Ladybug even though she seems like a fairly competent and kind hero, despite the fact that she hasn’t caught Hawkmoth yet. Marinette, who rarely talks about akumas despite all of the time he spends with her, which is highly unusual because even people he only briefly meets manage to slip in something about akumas into the conversation. Damian feels like there must be some sort of connection between Marintte and the akuma situation that he’s not getting, but it’s eluding him.

He sits down with his laptop in his apartment and looks up information about Marinette Dupain-Cheng. She’s definitely just as talented as he suspected; in her ninth year of schooling, she won a Gabriel competition, participated in a music video of Clara Nightingale’s, and collaborated with Jagged Stone on an album cover. So that was how she met him-- he wondered, but never asked. There are also a few instagram posts that have tagged her as a good samaritan and a few articles that detail a small, asian girl who’s going around Paris helping random people that are in need.

The weird things that Damian finds are contained in her school records. She’s apparently in very good company with her IQ, but what’s more interesting is all the dates that she is tardy or absent from school. They line up perfectly with all of the dates that akumas appear. He feels dread gather in his stomach. 

A few more searches seem to cement his growing suspicions. Around the same time that Marinette obtained a truce with Lila matched up with when theorists believed that the Italian girl started working with Hawkmoth. He reads the instagrams and tweets of her classmates from the first year that Hawkmoth arrived, which talk about how excellent Marinette is at calming them down and guiding them to a better place. He also reads the posts of Chloe Bourgeois and Alya Cesaire and the articles about Marinette and Evillustrator that tell a slightly different story-- that Marinette is capable of manipulating others into more unpleasant situations.

Damian jolts. There is an incoming call from his father. 

“Are updates on Paris, Damian?” 

Should he give them a clue to his growing suspicions that Marinette is Hawkmoth? No, he can’t tell them until he gathers more information. 

“No,” he says. “Information about Hawkmoth and the Miraculous are hard to come by.”

There’s a sigh and what sounds like the rustling of papers from the other side. “I figured. Tim and Barbara can’t find anything over here, either, but the Justice League is worried. They want results.”

“The Justice League and I agreed that having Robin make an appearance would be beneficial. Gain Ladybug and Chat Noir’s trust, or find Hawkmoth. Information might come easier with your alter ego.”

“All right.” 

Another pause. He and his father have always had an awkward relationship. Bruce didn’t know of his existence until he was ten, and by that time, the most formative years of Damian’s life had already passed. Bruce Wayne may be many things, but good at dealing with children, he is not. Even after adopting so many children, he doesn’t know how to raise a child. Damian and his brothers have all raised themselves, with Bruce only stepping in when one of them is really going off the rails.

“Is everything else going well in Paris? School is good?”

“School is fine.” Damian wonders whether he should tell his father about Marinette. About the girl who is kind and capable and scarily efficient at dispatching criminals for a citizen and-- he can’t think about her like that. He decides against telling his father about her. She might be Hawkmoth, after all, and confirming her existence to his father means that he’s denying that possibility. “Gotham?”

“Nothing out of the usual. A few run-ins with the Joker.”

Another silence. The lapses in conversation aren’t awkward, but Damian thinks of the playful banter Marinette has with her parents and frowns. 

“Goodbye, Father.”

“Goodnight, Damian.”

Damian looks around at his empty apartment. There is nothing in it, except for his suitcase and a few pieces of furniture. It’s nothing like the manor, where he knows that Tim is up at all hours slaving away on another project that Damian rarely gets to see, or that Jason is in the training room with Dick joining him occasionally. He can’t pick a fight with Tim or have Dick try to mediate the conflicts between himself and Jason. No nightly patrols with three or four people talking over the comms, or near instantaneous backup when he gets into a tight spot. There is no Alfred or Barbara or Cassandra or Bruce here. Only Damian. 

He looks down at his laptop, at the various information and images of Marinette that he has up on his screen. In good conscience, he can’t continue being friends with her. Not with the possibility that she is the person he’s trying to hunt down. 

He remembers her saying that being lonely is different than being alone. 

Damian is lonely.

#

Patrol is a necessary evil. 

Ladybug doesn’t hate patrol. She’s not very fond of it, though. It cuts into time that she could be spending sleeping or designing or anything else, really. In the beginning, it started as a way to figure out how everything worked under the guise of the dark and without the constant threat of an akuma hanging over head. Then, it progressed into disproving the theory about Ladybug’s age, because civilians aren’t inclined to believe that a teenage girl who has school the next day would patrol every day in the early morning. Now, it shows the Parisians how devoted Ladybug is-- that’s something that she’s struggled with ever since withdrawing the Miraculous from all of the part time heroes-- and lets Marinette blow off any steam that she has. 

Right now, Marinette needs to blow off a lot of steam. Still, even as Ladybug, as much as Marinette wants to scream to high hell and back about how she’s been friends-- very close friends, she’d dare to say-- with the same person who has been terrorizing Paris for years, she can’t. If she screams, there will be media coverage on it, and she doesn’t want to deal with what the press would write up some article about how Ladybug was overworked and needed to bring back the other heroes, or that Ladybug wasn’t mentally sound enough to take care of Paris, she should just give up the Miraculous, or that Ladybug’s scream was [insert some poetic nonsense that English teachers wax about for hours even though the author never intended the audience to read that deeply into it].

Marinette doesn’t want to admit it, but she’s gotten close to Damian. She’s as close to him as she is with Kagami, Luka, Jagged and Penny. Damian knows that she’s MDC. He knows her hopes and aspirations. He knows her family, knows the majority of her friends, and knows what’s important to her. It will be so easy for him to tear her apart now. Marinette isn’t sure what Hawkmoth is waiting for, but she almost hopes that he’ll get it over with sooner rather than later.

What will Hawkmoth do first? Go after the website that he helped her make, probably. Cut off the financial support that she could use to run away and create another identity. Then, he’ll go after her friends, few and far as they may be. Renee next. Her family, last. She wonders who Mayura is, if he is Hawkmoth. She hasn’t seen anyone that’s close to him. Then again, Damian reveals next to nothing about himself. She’s never even seen where he lives.

There’s a shadow on the rooftops. 

God, of course Hawkmoth would send out an akuma today. He knows how horrible her mental state must be. There’s no way he wouldn’t take advantage of that.

She yoyos over to the shadow, not close enough to strike or apprehend, but close enough to easily give chase without the akuma being able to give her the slip.

“Ladybug,” the akuma says.

“Cut the crap. We all know you want the Miraculous, Hawkmoth. Let’s get to it.” The shadow steps forward where a street lamp illuminates its costume, and once again, she is assaulted by the barrage of colors on her eyes. After seeing how awful Damian’s color coordination was, it’s easy to come to terms with the awful designs of all of his costumes. Still, she’s surprised that the boy who dresses in the same outfit every day creates such outlandish costumes for all of his minions. 

The akuma frowns, tenses. 

“I’m not Hawkmoth,” it insists. “I’m Robin, a vigilante from Gotham. I’ve come to learn more about the current situation and aid you in taking Hawkmoth down.”

 Ladybug scoffs. She’s not sure what this akuma’s tactic is, but none of the others have tried to lie to her so blatantly about their identity. And ripping off an identity? That is a new low, even for Hawkmoth. She’s sure that the real Robin didn’t agree to this, and if she were close with the vigilante, maybe she could get him to throw a lawsuit or two at Hawkmoth once he was in custody, just for kicks.

Robin the akuma scrambles, apparently looking for something that can verify his identity. 

Ladybug strikes. There’s no pride in striking an opponent when they are distracted, but it’s a means to an end. If Damian is dumb enough to send out an akuma confused about its identity tonight of all nights-- a night where Ladybug is distressed and it would be all too easy to take advantage of her-- then she’s going to take advantage of it.

It’s easy to bind the akuma. Startlingly easy. The akuma is different tonight, then. His powers have something to do with close contact, maybe? Ladybug looks on his person for things that could be the point of akumatization, eyes flitting from Robin’s waistband to his mask.

She comes to an unpleasant conclusion. The measurements and the coloring are a perfect match. Hawkmoth has come to meet her in person.

“Damian,” Ladybug hisses. 

Damian’s eyes widen, like he doesn’t know how she’s pieced together his identity. How stupid does he think she is? He’s been dropping hints constantly. Information a transfer to Paris shouldn’t know. Never telling Marinette anything personal. Always being near an akuma attack when it happens. It’s almost like he wanted her to figure out his identity.

“How did you know?” 

“Please, Hawkmoth, did you really think that Marinette couldn’t connect the dots? You must have thought awfully little of her if you thought that your constant appearances near all of the akuma and questions about the Miraculous didn’t lead me to your identity.”

“Hawkmoth? Ladybug, I’m not Hawkmoth, I’m Robin.”

“And I’m the queen of England. Renounce your Miraculous now, Hawkmoth. Or I’ll beat you until you detransform and take it from you.” 

Damian looks confused before his face contorts to an expression of resignation. He recognizes a cold fury in her eyes that is distinct to people who won’t give up until they get their way, and there’s really no other way around this right now. He should have brought his comm with him, but he wasn’t expecting to meet Ladybug tonight; he just wanted to assess the situation as Robin, to get out from his apartment for a second. Rookie mistake. 

True to her word, Ladybug beats Damian unconscious and also until he’s black and blue. She’ll be lying if she didn’t say she took out some of her fury from the past years on him.

But here’s the thing; Damian doesn’t detransform. He stays in his god-awful costume that has the same disgusting shade of mustard yellow as that one top Damian owns. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. When Miraculous users faint, they detransform because it takes a sort of mental awareness to handle the powers bestowed upon them. Is it different because Damian is an akuma? Is there some sort of Miraculous bylaw that if a Miraculous user gets akumatized, they get to stay in their alternate form? Oh wait, that’s right, he’s an akuma, not Hawkmoth right now.

Ladybug stumbles forward, breaking all of the weapons that are on his belt, taking off his mask and breaking that as well. No akuma comes out. She tries his gloves, then his boots. She pats him down, seeing if there’s anything she missed. She rips his suit, too. Nothing. There’s no brooch in his personal effects either.

What is she supposed to do now? 

Seeing no alternative, Ladybug picks Damian up and yoyos back to Tom and Sabine’s Boulangerie to safely detransform and figure out what the fuck is going on.

He’s not Hawkmoth, is the conclusion Marinette comes to after a side by side comparison of pictures of the vigilante and Damian. The horrifying conclusion: the person lying on the floor of her bedroom is actually Robin, the vigilante from Gotham. 

Marinette knows it’s better to err on the side of caution, but she still buries her head in her hands in embarrassment. How can she have gotten him so wrong? She really needs to get better at reading people, because deciding that random civilians are Hawkmoth clearly has not paid off. 

She also cannot believe that the Justice League has decided to step in now, and with a sidekick from America, of all things--Marinette is pretty sure that she sent the videos to the European branch. It must have been three years since her first notification to them. She contacted them immediately after Stoneheart, and again, after Syren when she was distraught at the death that surrounded her. With no response, there was nothing she could do. She has to start relying on herself and her own skills. 

Ladybug only contacted them once more, after Heroes’ Day. At that point, Ladybug had been thinking for a while that someone who was naturally superpowered or someone with a high grade of intelligence-- like the heroes affiliated with the Justice League-- would do more harm than good if they were allowed in the city. After the devastation of her teammates being akumatized, and the nearly week long battle that ensued, she was certain that she could barely fight her teammates, let alone trained professionals. So with shaky hands and red rimmed eyes, she said to please disregard her earlier messages; the situation in Paris wasn’t that bad, and Ladybug could handle it. 

Damian groans. Marinette jumps; he is waking up far earlier than she anticipated. She wants to transform back into Ladybug. Being in her spots gives her a pseudo sense of security. First, though, she has to restrain him. Even though he isn’t Hawkmoth, she’s not sure whether he’s a threat or not. She makes quick work of it, using the thickest zip ties that she has on hand and restraining his arms and legs.

She doesn’t get the chance to transform back into Ladybug, but that’s just as well, because at the end of the day, Marinette is the foundation of anything that makes Ladybug a hero to the public. Damian opens his eyes almost immediately after she has finished restraining him, taking in his surroundings and the person in front of him.

“Marinette? Where’s Ladybug?” No questions of how he got there; Ladybug can clearly carry her own weight and more. No questions as to why there are zip ties cutting into his wrists and ankles; he has seen too many of Marinette’s victims on the streets.

“What do you mean, where’s Ladybug?” Marinette is right in front of him. She might not have the suit on, but at the end of the day, she does have the Ladybug Miraculous, which means she’s Ladybug through and through, and Damian must know that. Otherwise, there’s no real reason for Robin to be spending so much time with Marinette. The fact that she feels more real and true to herself as Marinette than as Ladybug probably means nothing to him.

“She knocked me out on a rooftop. Didn’t know that you two knew each other personally. I’m not Hawkmoth, by the way.” He twitches, then realizes that he’s been tied up. “Why’d she leave me with you?”

So he doesn’t know that she’s also Ladybug? This whole thing keeps getting more confusing. Still, the less people that know about her alter ego, the better. Marinette will keep him in the dark. She attributes his blatant misunderstanding to the identity concealment magic of the Miraculous. It’s powerful stuff. If it didn’t exist, she’s sure she would have found concrete evidence as to who Hawkmoth is by now. 

“She asked me to assess whether you were a threat or not. Whether or not she casts the Miraculous Cure is contingent on my response.”

“Ladybug wants you to assess whether I’m a threat or not? Why’d she leave a possible super villain with a civilian?”

“I help Ladybug out with many things.” Her voice turns to clinical detachment. She uses this method to dissociate as Ladybug when things get overwhelming. Assess the situation. Get in, deakumatize, get out. Marinette needs to distance herself. It’s bad enough that the situation is this convoluted, but she doesn’t need Damian to doubt Ladybug’s capabilities as well. “Ladybug knows that you’re not Hawkmoth now, and she knows that I can handle myself with any run of the mill bad guy, even if they are a supposed vigilante.”

“Tell me, Robin,” Marinette spits the name like a curse, “Why should I tell Ladybug that you’re not a threat? That you are who you say you are?”

In all honesty, all Marinette wants to do is knock Damian out again so she can collect her thoughts. She’s not sure how she should address his presence as Robin in Paris and is still reeling from the whiplash of thinking he was Hawkmoth only for him to turn into a foreign vigilante. Next thing she knows, he’ll tell her that his name isn’t even Damian Grayson. Well, now that she thinks about it, he’s definitely not. After this encounter finishes, she’ll look up Damian and Gotham and see what she gets.

He looks flustered, like he never expected anybody to question his identity or presence. It’s laughable, really. Marinette doubts that the Justice League actually sent him; he’s probably here to explore on his own. That means he’ll only be a pain in the ass to deal with. Maybe she needs to get into contact with the Justice League again, if only just so she can deport Robin with more ease. 

“I can call Batman,” he says.

Marinette doesn’t think this is a very good solution. There’s no way for her to prove that the person on the other side actually is Batman and not some actor. But after racking her brain, she can’t come up with a much better solution. It’s not like Robin has any superpowers that she can request to see, and she doesn’t have a direct line to anybody from the Justice League.

“Fine. Call Batman.”

“It’s in the pocket near on my right side.” Marinette doesn’t bother going closer to him. She destroyed everything on him earlier, in case it was the akuma’s vessel. Ladybug thought she came across a phone, but now she’s glad she smashed it and left it on that random rooftop. He probably has some sort of tracker on his phone. In any case, Marinette thinks it’s weird for a vigilante to have a phone on them while on the rooftops. Shouldn’t he have an earpiece or something? 

“Your phone was destroyed by Ladybug. Tell me the number to call. I’ll put it on speaker.” Marinette isn’t sure if the number he’ll have her call will be some sort of secure connection or direct line that is only accessible through Damian’s phone, but she doesn’t particularly care because the Miraculous Communicators are exactly that. Miraculous. Master Fu assured her that all communications were private and impossible to crack unless they also had a Miraculous. Which is why she’s using the Miraculous Communicator to call Batman.

Damian winces, then speaks into the offered phone. 

“Batman, it’s Robin. I need to verify my identity in order to proceed.”

“Are you with Ladybug?”

So he is on a mission, then, and not just playing hooky. If Batman is involved, Marinette has no doubt the rest of the Justice League will follow soon. This will be a dreadfully unpleasant call.

“I’m making it a video call,” Marinette says. “And no, he’s not with Ladybug. I’m Ladybug’s point of contact, and she doesn’t take kindly to people encroaching on her territory without permission.”

“Robin, what happened?” Batman isn’t accepting her video request.

Marinette cuts off whatever Damian is about to say. “Damian was suspicious; I reported his activities to Ladybug and she believed that he could be Hawkmoth. Then, she caught him on the roofs and took him back to my place after verifying that he wasn’t Hawkmoth. Video call, Batman. I’d like to see that you are who you say you are, before I send Robin back to the states.”

“She knows your civilian identity? Two people know that you’re Robin?”

“Turn your video on. If you can’t prove that you are who Damian says you are, Ladybug and I will do everything in our powers to deport him and make sure that the Justice League is not allowed in Paris again. Ladybug said that she doesn’t need any unknowns in her city, and I’ve been hoping Robin came here of his own volition. It sounds like that isn’t the case.”

Marinette thinks that Batman curses in English, but she’s not sure. Fluent though Marinette may be, she is not well versed in curses, colloquialisms, or American memes. The camera turns on. It’s Batman, or at the very least, an actor wearing a very good knock off costume.

It’s annoying that Marinette can’t see his eyes. There’s some white film where his eyes should be, and the fact that his cowl covers more than half of his face isn’t doing her any favors in letting her read his facial expression. She moves herself so that Batman can see both her and Robin.

“Why is Robin restrained?”

“Like I said: he was suspicious. I’m not taking any chances.”

A moment of silence.

“How do you want me to prove my identity?” 

That’s good. He’s not asking who she is, though she’s sure that there are cameras pointing at the screen on Batman’s end, running facial analysis and background checks on her. The Miraculous magic will ensure that any connections between her and Ladybug will not come to light. Other than her identity as Ladybug, Marinette has nothing to hide.

“If you’re Batman, then you should have access to the League’s calls, European and otherwise. Play me the last video that Ladybug sent you. I know what she said.” She spares a glance at Damian. His jaw is tight, but when he looks at her, she finds what looks like regret. It’s not entirely Damian’s fault. A mission is a responsibility, and Marinette understands that in order to be a hero or vigilante, one must be willing to do anything to accomplish the mission. Really, she’s only Ladybug because she feels that heavy weight of the words duty and responsibility on her shoulders. Fu’s fault.

“Behave. If you try something, I’ll knock you out.” Marinette sets the communicator on her desk and eyes him. The zipties are so tight around his arms and legs that he is bleeding. Marinette feels a flash of sympathy, then pushes it away. It was his fault for-- why was he at fault, again? 

“I have the video.” Batman sounds even peakier than when they started the call. He plays the video.

“Justice League. This is Ladybug. I rescind my requests for help; I can take care of Paris with my own team. Any help from you at this point would be a detriment and could potentially harm the citizens of Paris. Hawkmoth manipulates strong emotions, and I don’t need to handle a metahuman or tactical genius to gain more power to wreak havoc on my city. I will not contact you with any further requests for assistance.”

It’s an awful video. Marinette had to wait a day after the Heroes’ week fiasco just so her eyes wouldn’t be red. At least her voice doesn’t waver in it. There’s a conviction in the whole video that was unique to that moment. 

Marinette looks at Batman, then at Robin. 

“Clearly the Justice League refused to listen. Ladybug doesn’t want or need your help at this point in time. Why are you here?”

“The Justice League is at fault for not paying attention to Ladybug’s other videos. But Mayor Bourgeois and President Macron can only cover such alarming incidents for so long. Ladybug and her… team clearly need help in order to find and take down Hawkmoth, so once the American branch of the Justice League found out half a year ago, we started to investigate.” Batman speaks in lieu of Damian. Marinette briefly wonders if Damian knows who Batman is under the mask. She bets he does. They’re probably close, what with how worried Batman sounds. 

“What makes you think that the Justice League is any better equipped to handle this situation? Ladybug and her team have been fighting for the past three years and resolved every akuma with no help from you. She needed your help in earlier years. Now she doesn’t.”

“Exactly; it’s been three years and she still hasn’t caught Hawkmoth.”

“You say that like the Justice League doesn’t have a team with more wealth and manpower than Ladybug does that’s been looking into Hawkmoth and the Miraculous for the past half year and clearly has not found any reasonable leads. Ladybug has only been actively looking for Hawkmoth for the past two years, not three. The police handled the first year, not that you’ve done any homework on the situation. Thought that a field agent would help your chances?” 

There is fire in Marinette’s stomach. Batman sounds so dismissive of all of the work that she’s been doing. It’s been hard on her; she doesn’t have the support that she needs and doesn’t have the experience or expertise to hunt down Hawkmoth on her own. She trained briefly under Master Fu to learn spells and ways to expand her powers as Ladybug, but that was an equivalent exchange: she no longer trusts that other holders won’t be akumatized. Her growing cynicism and physical training from Maman came at the expense of Chat Noir; after the whole Lila incident in her first year as Ladybug, she found out that Chat Noir and Adrien were one and the same. And Gabriel Agreste is not afraid to use his son until Adrien is stretched far too thin, which forced Marinette to nearly bench her partner.

“Three years,” Batman says again.

“If the Justice League can’t figure it out nearly unlimited resources and funding in half a year-- both ordinary and super human-- then clearly it isn’t a question of time. It’s a question of capability. Get off your high horse, Batman. You haven’t given me any reasons why Ladybug and I shouldn’t deport Robin here, and you’re definitely not making a good case as to why she shouldn’t go to Mayor Bourgeois and France’s president to ensure that the Justice League and its affiliates and ban hero travel into Paris. Bourgeois already doesn’t want information on it’s supervillain situation to get out.” 

“Marinette,” Damian pleads.

As Robin and as Damian, he doesn’t pose a threat. He hasn’t been helpful, but he certainly hasn’t messed with the status quo for the month that he’s been here. Still, he is a liability. If he stays in Paris, he is the gateway for the other members of the Justice League to fly in and try to commandeer the fragile balance that she has found. She can’t afford for something like that to happen.  

“You’re not any better, Robin. Why did you even hang around me? Thought I was a threat?” Her eyes narrow in realization. It makes sense why he decided to hang out with her, despite his initial cold front. He was playing a role.“You thought I was Hawkmoth.”

His silence is an agreement.

“We just want to help,” Damian says, and against her better judgement, Marinette believes him. 

Her shoulders round, and Marinette sighs. She can’t truly begrudge Damian for that train of thought, not when she believed the same about him. She’s been a little harsh on them so far, in part due to old resentment that they never responded to her in that first, awful year when she needed the help. 

There’s a dull tiredness that comes with knowing someone who she considered one of her closest friends suspected her of being a supervillain, though she did believe the same of him, so maybe they’re even. It still hurts, though. It hurts like when Alya decided that Marinette was mean-hearted enough to stop the members of their class from reaching their full potential. It hurts like when Marinette finally realized that she couldn’t repair their friendship, not to what it used to be. It hurts like when she looked around the classroom and realized that she couldn’t talk to anyone there. It hurts like when Marinette decided that she couldn’t risk helping her friends the way she wanted to. 

“What kind of help can you offer us? We don’t need any more of you to come out here.” Resources are nice. More money to fund therapy programs around town won’t hurt. Master Fu doesn’t help on that part. Really, he doesn’t help at all. Even though she has Chat Noir and had a team, she often feels like it’s herself against the world. Some days, she reaches up to her earrings and feels an aching emptiness, like there’s something more to the Miraculous that’s been sealed away.

“We can give you resources. Money, connections, experience. Robin is good with technology. He can help you track down where Hawkmoth is.”

Marinette’s laugh is bitter. “Sure, he can try, but the butterflies Hawkmoth sends out aren’t visible by the normal human eye or electronically until they’ve found their mark. Once they’re purified, they’re just normal butterflies, and they go off in random directions.”

“Normal human eye? It sounds like there are exceptions.” Damian readjusts himself. He has fidgeted his way into an uncomfortable looking seiza position, where his ankles are bleeding. 

“A true holder can see the butterflies at all times.”

Marinette also decides to throw them a bone so there’s no questions as to why a mere civilian is working with Ladybug. “That’s why Ladybug recruited me. I was Multimouse.”

Multimouse was in the file that Damian sent his father, but he asks, just to make sure. “The one that can split itself?”

“That’s correct. I guess now is as good a time as any for the two of you to get your questions answered.”

“Why are you the point of civilian contact instead of any of the other more frequently used heroes? Didn’t you appear only once?” Damian avoids looking Marinette in the eyes, and that makes her feel slightly better. He’s ashamed of his actions. Good. 

“Ladybug said that the other hero’s civilian forms were either compromised or not in a good position.”

“Ladybug knows who all the holders are.” Batman speculates. He looks less tense now that Damian is no longer tied up, but his voice remains gravelly and distrubed. Maybe that’s what he sounds like all the time.  “Who else knows? Do you?” 

“Only Ladybug knows.” Marinette lives in half truths. She’s not sure that they’re much better than lies, but they’re all she has. Secrecy is the only thing Master Fu has sincerely taught her.

“Why have all the other heroes disappeared?” 

“Ladybug said that it was too dangerous for someone who could be akumatized to hold a Miraculous. Rena Rage, Shell Shock, Queen Wasp-- they were all frighteningly powerful akumas. It’s also why Chat Noir has been showing up less and less; his home life is not the best, and she’s trying her best to ensure that he doesn’t get akumatized.”

“She’s not worried for herself or,” Damian’s eyes flick to Marinette, away from Batman. “For you?” 

“She knows that both of us are good at dealing with stress. We have our own methods of coping.” She looks at Damian, her mouth tightening into a frown. “If you want to stay in Paris, I’ll cut you a deal. We can work together for two weeks, and if we don’t get any results, you have to leave and the Justice League must promise that they won’t interfere again.”

“Two weeks isn’t enough time,” Damian objects.

“If you don’t think it’s enough time, just leave now. I’ll say now that I’m only willing to work with you during the night. That’s the time I work on Miraculous related stuff now, anyways. And stay out of the akuma battles.” She doesn’t actually think that working together will help anyways, and she wants Damian gone sooner rather than later. He’s been making her feel too much and emotions that are far more explosive and easy to take advantage of than Marinette has in a long time. She doesn’t want to be targeted by an akuma because of her inner conflict. 

“Two weeks, then,” Batman agrees. “Robin can contact me if you need any extra resources.”

Marinette hangs up and assesses Damian. He looks almost pitiful, with bruising around his eyes, tousled hair, a ripped suit, and cuts where his skin is exposed. She opens her trap door in a clear gesture for him to depart. Downstairs is dark; her Maman and Papa have long since gone to sleep, and it’s only a few more hours until they wake up to start baking. “We start tomorrow. If you need Ladybug for anything, tell me.”

He’s half way down the ladder when he looks back up at Marinette, into her eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he says.

Marinette can’t breath. She feels like vomiting. His eyes are so green in comparison to the purple bruising on his face. She did that to him. She made him look that way. All she’s ever wanted to do as Ladybug is protect the people she cared for. But Damian-- Marinette doesn’t know. She doesn't know whether what Damian has done can actually be described as bad. He was just trying to do what Batman told him to do. Keeping an eye on a threat. Marinette wonders how long he thought she was Hawkmoth. She wonders if he ever thought they were friends. 

“I’m sorry too,” Marinette says, and shuts the trap door.

They’re both sorry for very different things.

Final round-up of fan fic asks

I've gotten a few more interesting responses to the fan fic discussion so I'm going to round them all up here. This will be my final post on the topic until/unless there's a dramatic new development, or a particularly notable response I want to highlight. Thanks to everyone who brought their thoughts and experiences to the topic. I hope everyone at least feels heard.

The biggest piece of advice that I would like to offer is for everyone to focus on what they love rather than what they hate. If we all did that, the world would be a better place. Alongside that, I'd like to remind everyone to please support authors whose work you like. It's so important. Give them a kudos, give them a nice comment, recommend their work to others. You never know what kind of grief and harassment they are dealing with to bring you these great stories, and our support means a lot.

This is in reference to previous posts here and here.

Anonymous asked:

With regard to fandom and fan fic issue, my years of experience being part of very large fandoms has led me to believe that big accounts are v important in facilitating and enforcing the general consensus of the whole fandom. Unless there will be big accs who'll remind everyone of being respectful & just not being a dick over other's preferences, nothing will change.

This is also the reason why I think certain solo fandoms have adapted weird and twisted narratives as their general fandom story because no big acc has tried to police them & and say hey pls be rational. Whether we like it or not, in a place where how far voices, ideas, tweets, posts get heard is based on the number of followers you have, big accs will have the power and influence in creating/curating/shifting the narratives.

So, if you want to know why your/our fandom thinks like this in general, look at what big accs are tweeting/posting, look at what ideas & values they follow, look at their preferences or how strongly they react to certain situations. it's taxing and toxic for big accs given the nature of social media these days, but it's also the reality of system, the more followers/audience you have, the more influence you will have.

So to anyone reading this I hope we all practice more restraint and reflection before we post anything. Remember that words, no matter what medium you write it in, will always carry weight.

So true. It is easy - even for myself who spends a fair chunk of time answering people's asks - to forget that people can sometimes be impressionable and what we say can influence people whether that's our intent or not. I get used to thinking of myself as a regular guy just doing my own thing when sometimes my thoughts and words go well beyond where I initially posted them.

I think it's important for us to be careful what we say, and it's equally important to be careful what we take from what other people say. Especially when it comes to big claims. Always get a second, third, fourth opinion and don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something doesn't sit right or sounds confusing.

It's also important to reflect on how our words and actions might affect other people's experience of fandom, and err on the side of 'live and let live' wherever possible. It's great to have our own preferences and to champion them, but we should try to do so in a way that leaves space for other people and perspectives.

The more unique perspectives and the more friendly, open dialog there is, the healthier the community will be as a whole.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging and guiding growth in the particular areas we are interested in, as long as it doesn't step on, oppress or attack those who are peacefully enjoying something different.

Anonymous 2 asked: bjyx fans attacking gdgdbaby for including zsww/lsfy dynamics in an event named bjyx then turning right around and attacking the zsww/lsfy event organizer for excluding bjyx? god, can you hear my facepalm and sigh of resignation and incredulity from over there? im genuinely not surprised that they're trying to drive an entire part of the fandom out by disgusting them (and me) with these immature tactics. i believe what im about to say next will sound quite bait-y and i respect your decision 1/?

should you choose not to post this. but i do know that it is not only me, in fact there are many out there, that is of this opinion. we just dont talk about it on twitter to avoid the potential mess it will bring lol. okay, here goes nothing. (do note that im talking about the majority here, not every single person is like this) so bjyx fans tend to be cishet females whereas zsww/lsfy fans are more diverse in terms of age and gender, and most of them are part of the queer community too 2/?

i would like to clarify that most of these zsww/lsfy fans are not dynamic exclusive (in the sense that they are friendly and interact with all ggdd fans) they just prefer to "identify" themselves as zsww/lsfy fans (on twitter specifically) just to form a distinction from bjyx fans who mostly are dynamic exclusive (as in; they do not consume non-bjyx content, and straightup refuse to interact with non-bjyx fans, often blocking them). as a result, id say that the zsww/lsfy communiy is way more 3/?

mature and respectful (after all, they're mostly queer people talking about a queer ship) whereas many problems in this fandom, such as the homophobia, adamantly insisting on "drawing lines" between dynamics, stem from the bjyx exclusive fans, comprised of cishet females who "may not know better". so, it is of no surprise to me that they're resorting to these immature tactics of calling gg unsavory names, and organizing retaliatory events with controversial topics in an attempt to "purify". 4/4

I trust that you have arrived at that theory through your own experience and observation. I haven't personally spent much time immersed in this stuff so I can't claim to have any real insight or expertise. If you say that's your experience of it, then at the very least that's how you've seen things up to this point.

I just want to say that I think we should always be careful about making assumptions about people's age, gender/gender identity, etc.

There are plenty of good reasons to avoid doing that; because those assumptions could be very wrong, because those assumptions are often laced with ageism, sexism, etc., because those assumptions - even when correct - might not be an accurate basis for the conclusions we draw.

But the primary reason I recommend avoiding those type of assumptions is because anything that enables us to clump a group of people together in our minds like that will tend to make them easier to demonize and dehumanize. They are no longer individuals who are each responsible for their own unique perspectives, they are now 'the X group' who is known for 'A B C series of easily attackable ideas or behaviors'.

If we attribute undesirable traits and behaviors to a group of people we feel opposed to in some way, that makes us feel more righteous and justified in behaving unfairly toward them, dismissing their humanity and warring with them. It's just risky behavior to engage in, even when it's well-intentioned.

There might actually be some truth to what you're saying. It could very well be that most of these people are young, inexperienced, heteronormative, etc. but if that's the case then we should try to use those traits to better understand and empathize rather than to better dismiss and discredit.

Just my two cents on that.

It can be really frustrating dealing with what feels like other people attacking us, trying to oppress us, etc. - especially when there are more of them than there are of us. In my experience the best solutions to that sort of problem are generally the ones that focus on what we are doing and want to do rather than what they are doing that we don't want them to do.

As I am always preaching, we can't control what other people say, do or think. The only thing we have any control over is what we say, do and think (and how we respond to what they say, do and think).

I have found in my experience that the moment I step out of a conflict mindset and instead step into a problem-solving mindset, everything starts to come together. I feel better, my outlook is more positive, I can begin to see solutions and allies rather than problems and enemies, and most of all, I become more focused on what I am doing than what others are doing.

So I would recommend everyone who is invested in resolving these conflicts focus on that. "How can we best showcase and encourage the types of stories we enjoy?" instead of "How can we stop these other people from doing things we dislike?"

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello again! It’s anon #3 from the fanfic post. I really do appreciate reading your thoughts on various issues like this, so thank you for always taking time to write in depth. As for supporting without going to war, the simplest way has always been to just show appreciation for the creators, hype them up. Kudos are the easiest way on ao3 but comments in addition are great. This goes for all content—art, fics, vids..etc. Creators love to see and read how people react to their content. Sharing is also great, fic recs are very helpful, just be cautious with art and reposting though. Hope this helps a bit!

Thanks so much, Anon. I think this is excellent advice. And it's true that appreciation is great, but helping to expand the audience is also great. Recommending stories, pointing people to the pages/websites of artists we like (as opposed to reposting), sharing our own ideas and approaches, encouraging people to try new things... all of this helps build healthier communities.

And here's another one: WRITE! DRAW! CREATE!

I urge anyone with creative interests or talents to bring their voices to the community because we all can benefit from hearing from you.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts on this issue. I hope that over time we can all work in positive ways to improve the situation.

I think this subject has been well-covered now so I'm going to retire it for the time being. If anyone still feels they want to discuss it further please feel free to message me privately. Thanks.

Well then.

December 15, 2021 | 12:40 AM

It’s been about a week and a half since we decided to officially cut things off. We spoke since then but just little bits here and there.

I think early on I was still clinging on, constantly looking for signs of her and seeing if I could make excuses to talk to her. We texted for the first time today, she asked me briefly about if I had bday plans to which I told her I didnt.

That was all, the whole exchange. Even though it doesn’t really mean anything, I can’t help but feel that she must be pretty moved on already. Who knows, maybe not and she’s just being self disciplined in the whole cutting off thing. And that’s a very real possibility, but I can’t help but feel like that’s not the case. All the little interactions we had since then give me the sense that she seems fairly moved on. And you know what, I need to start accepting that this is it.

Not that before I thought we’d get back together or something. But it’s hard to accept it immediately you know? I need to stop trying to hold on and let go. I need to stop checking to see if she maybe posted a new story, see how she is, and try to see what she’s up too. Because it’s none of my business anymore.

Man it sucks. It really does. And honestly I feel like a huge idiot for trying to hold on to it. She seems fine, besides not like she doesn’t have a bf to be there for her lmao. I’m tired of it. I’ve had such low energy lately and no motivation for things. I honestly sort of want to do a line or something on my bday night again. Just to clear my head and reset or something.

I had a thought come to me earlier tonight. Bit of a sad one really, but it’s the fact that I don’t think I have the energy to date and really care for someone how I used to. When I first dated A or X I always wanted to go above and beyond. Whether it’s write cute little letters, give flowers to them, whatever it is. I was always so eager and willing to do little cute shit for the person I was with. But idk if I have that kind of energy anymore. I’m just so tired.

I’m sure that if I find someone I really love I’ll want to, and I really hope I do. But man…I can’t help but feel like I won’t be able to. Like, how long do I have to keep trying like this only for things to end? Man I prob sound so pathetic and all, but honestly i don’t really care at this point.

Why am I trying to love someone who can’t give me that same love back? Man and that was such a big point for me that I never mentioned to her, and maybe I should have, but realistically what would it have changed? I definitely thought about bringing it up with her on our last night together, but I chose to just be happy with her for a little longer while I could.

That shit doesn’t work, there’s a flaw. Dont get me wrong I can see situations where it could work. But regardless the flaw exists that at the end of the day, I wasn’t and I was never going to be her primary partner. I know she loved me, and I fully believe that. But I also recognize that while she may have been my #1 to me, I wasn’t necessarily hers. It wasn’t something that I let bother me too much during our relationship, but it definitely had its moments where it would pop up. Moments where she’d prioritize him over me, and honestly that shit bothered me a little. Man I feel stupid even complaining about it, but like it was what it was. At the end of the day she could have been my all, but I was never going to be hers.

Idk if I’ll share this with her. I remember that she said she wants to read everything I write after we break up but like what’s even the point LOL. Does she even care all that much? It seems to me like the longer we’re apart the more fine she is without me, it’s only when we see eachother or what not that she seems to actually miss me.

This wasn’t even supposed to be this long but I got real ranty I guess.

Change of topics a little bit. Actually nevermind. I’ll wait to recap this year when I inevitably make a drunk/high post on or around my bday.

I wonder if she’ll even try to still do anything for christmas w me lol. I think I’ll just expect or assume that nothings happening. That way I won’t have to be disappointed if nothing happens. Maybe I’ll just go watch the movie on my own. That way maybe I won’t associate it with her, who knows.

I might go to the AGO alone this Saturday. We’ll see if I’m actually not lazy enough to go, but I do want to sort of just walk around and take pictures at the picasso exhibit. Listen to some music while I’m there. We’ll see.

Still need to decide if I want to buzz my hair. It’s not even bc of her tbh, just mainly bc my hair keeps being unruly LOL

Hope I’m able to land a co-op placement for the summer soon. Adulting is coming near in the future and that shit scared me lol. Think I may start going harder at the gym, just so that I’ll be too tired to think that way.

That’s it, I can probably keep going but I’m going to stop myself. Oh yeah, I think I might be a lil depressed but honestly prob not lmao. Just seasonal sadness I bet. Been listening to To Be Loved by Adele this whole time while writing. I want to cry a little bit. If it was a friday I’d definitely be drinking rn.

Future me, I hope you’re happier then I am now.

Sorry but to the anon, it's very clear ure very white or grew up in west... for you kind information very few asians first cdrama was untamed. As for me pointing out the difference between western way of making things emotionally and asian things of emotional is very different. For most asian cultures parents are the most important thing ever and this is why the leads with no or one parent is very indicative of what kind of life they will have. In most western dramas it's not as important to keep in contact with parents and in most they dont even introduce them at all. Emotions are felt and shown different in different cultures. I'm south asian, and to me the recarination and second life of main leads doesnt really make it fantasy and sometimes it's what the belief system of the culture is so its accepted. While I've seen ppl being annoyed abt rebirth or soulmate culture in western fandoms of different things I love (j/k/c entertainment or bollywood)

Hi anon,

I have said before that I am white and grew up in the West--I haven’t made that a secret. I didn’t suggest that Asians’ first cdrama was CQL. I only said : “I don’t like speculating too much about anons, where they are coming from and what they’ve consumed as media” which simply meant, I do not not them (or you?) so I can’t tell where they (or you) are coming from. It was an admission that while I’m a little stumped by the argument, I cannot derive a life experience from it alone and do not wish to pretend that I can.

I think where we seem to disagree is that you’ve taken my off-the-cuff point about the rain machine as a wholesale condemnation of a trope. My point is more about how the execution of these tropes, which I know are emotional, fail in actually moving me because of the technical aspects or the care put into the scenes. It’s a commentary about the directing, editing, sound design, soundtrack, the finesse of the storytelling. I can see why this could be read as a White person being dismissive and saying Wow they’re dumb for thinking rain is Sad, and perhaps I should be more careful of my wording even with my shitposting. But what I meant to say is that tropes are basically a function of semiotics and repetition: and how a particular iteration of the trope is done can be successful or fail when it comes to the goal towards which it was used. And it’s not even talking about how signs (ie “rain” in this context) have multiple significations attached to them, the same way colours have different associations within the same culture: again, it requires work to fully navigate these elements and know how to use them to full effect. It’s part of the craft of a creative.

Some of the fault can lie solely on the audience member for failing to grasp the association but some of it has to do with how the creatives wielded the trope. The trope is tool, a framework, it has to be interpreted and integrated into the work. And my point about shows like SHL and CQL is that sometimes their use of tropes feels very much like a crutch: like you can simply add rain to a scene and immediately it will be sad and moving. I think the point of the other anon concerning this is that if people defend the technical aspects/storytelling of shows like SHL/CQL where the primary concern was clearly never about telling the most intricate or well-executed story in the first place, is that it sort of lumps together all Chinese content regardless of their quality or the goals of their creative teams into the argument of “you’re not getting that it’s actually well done because you’re not Chinese/Asian”. 

Again, I’m not disagreeing with you that there are differences in cultural works and cultural knowledge. In my other post I was pointing out that crying in the rain is a trope that exists very predominantly in western works as well--although yes, the common iterations of the trope in the West might differ and its effects as well, I’ll concede that--because I think sometimes we get a little too hung up on being different that we might miss where things can be similar or that there are a lot more nuances. With the examples I wasn’t trying to argue that these works are better than Chinese works, I just used the first two that came up to mind (and that I knew would be on youtube) to show how much more care it is possible to read into the directing and technical execution of these scenes, and how much the execution has been tailored to the specific narrative or character moment, to the point where even the sound design is used to pull you as an audience into the pov of the character and heighten the emotional connection--as opposed to the autopsy of the crying in the rain scene in SHL for example, where it’d harder to take a specific camera movement for instance and associate it with an effect or see how they’ve thought about how to specifically film this specific emotional moment instead of just a general emotional moment. I’m sure if I go back and rewatch some cdramas or cmovies I’ve watched in the past I could remember a scenes of people crying in the rain that were better executed and do a similar autopsy than I did for those two examples.

All in all, while I can be wrong and misguided, my point is simply that I don’t think in this case that the wholesale argument of “you weren’t moved because you do not get the cultural context” fully works because it assumes that any crying-in-the-rain scene regardless of how well filmed and directed it is would be inherently emotional for a Chinese audience. It’s an argument that is mostly about film-making techniques, and how it can lead people to be lazy in how they wield tropes, not about the trope itself.

Happier (3) | T.H.

Summary: Harrison is looking for answers. More unknown text messages and blackmail. A phone conversation takes place. Wait...who’s the new guy?

A/N: Don’t be shy let me know all your theories! Again, thank you for the support on Happier! The story continues!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Puzzle

This whole thing was just a giant puzzle that needed to be solved, but the closer one got to solving it, another complication comes around. The story wasn’t clear for anyone, but for Harrison it was a mess. He had so many questions that needed to be answered, so many clues he wish could have been solved at the snap of a finger.

Tom was too lost in himself to even comprehend the puzzling reality, Y/N while also lost in heartbreak had been awefully quiet since she left London, Kate was lying to Harrison, and Natalie had been too friendly with Tom.

Harrison replayed the conversation with Kate over and over again in his mind, trying to remember every little thing she said that night. He knew Kate was aware of something. Her tone said it all.

“Listen I dont know who you are, but if its the same person that sent my best friend a threatening message that she’s better off breaking up with her boyfriend”

“She received a few messages...from Tom.”

“Oh my god.” Harrison said to himself in realization. How could he have been so dim to not recognize what Kate had said in the first place? He paced around as he continued to think it through. But a threat message? Who would send a threat to Y/N? And what did they threaten her with? Tom and Y/N’s relationship has been secretly hidden from the public for as long as they’d been together. No one knew she even existed...right?

For a moment, Harrison stopped in his tracks, thinking of Natalie. Though he quickly shook the idea off. Natalie may have wanted Tom, but she wouldnt go as far as threatening Y/N. He had been friends with her since they went to primary school, and knew she wouldn’t go that far. “Maybe a stalker fan?” He questioned himself. Though he also quickly ruled it out, but something about it just didnt feel right.

In the kitchen, Harrison took out his laptop and started googling Y/N’s name. If her name didn’t show on the News or one of those Tom Holland fan accounts, it would at least answer one theory. As he scrolled through pages and pages, nothing showed up until...he found on account. He logged into the site and browsed the history, realizing it was all about Y/N and Toms life. Not as a couple but seperately. It all seemed too strange. Only very few accounts followed it and yet no other accounts in the world had mentioned Y/N. Harrison quickly shut his laptop when he saw Natalie enter the room.

“Oh don’t mind me just...grabbing a water.” She giggled, making her way to the fridge.

“Hey mate...uh..I guess everyone got hungry at the same time?” Harry asked, a bit surprised to see Harrison and Natalie in the kitchen.

“Yeah. I guess.” Harrison muttered.

“Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine. If i didn’t know I’d say you were the one more affected by the break up then Tom and Y/N themselves.” Natalie commented.

“No. It’s just that I dont think Y/N broke up with Tom just because of some rumors about you and him.” He explained rubbing his face from exhaustion. Natalie’s smile dropped, when she heard Harrison mention his potential theory.

“Well...did you talk to Y/N about it?” Harry asked him, also intrigued by the theory. “Now that I think about it she —“

“Oh come on. Just leave the poor girl alone. Im sure she knew what was best for the both of them. You’ll only make it worse.” Natalie interrupted, taking a sip from her water. “Well since you boys are all talk, Im gonna go find something more worth my while.”

Out of sight and out of mind, Natalie made a quick call about what she heard. “Harrison’s getting suspicious, and so is Harry.”

“Time to clean up then.” The unknown number spoke out before hanging up on Natalie completely.

Meanwhile, Kate had managed to get Y/N out of the apartment and walk the streets of the city. Her heart and spirits were still low, but she appreciated the efforts. Kate and Y/N went around stuffing their faces with crepes and ice cream. It was the cure to any bad days, but it wouldnt have been a Kate and Y/N date if they didn’t hang around the New York Aquarium. It was also the perfect time to crack out what Y/N really knew about the unknown text message, and who was harrassing the both of them. “Look, I know I promised you a stress free outing, but I saw a text from your phone the night you came back home.” Kate confessed.

Y/N’s face became pale almost as if she’d seen a ghost. She knew, and now there was no point in going back. “So you know then.” She says quietly looking at the fishes.

“I only know they threatened you.” Kate states, leaving out that she, herself, was also threatened. Y/N had enough on her plate to worry about, and it wouldn’t be the best time to being up how her message also threatened their friendship. “How long?” She continues.

“Weeks maybe. They started around the time I was fighting with Tom.” Y/N vents, she takes a deep breath before she continues. “Each message was worse than the last. They threatened that if I didnt leave, Tom would lose career, and I...I couldnt do that to him.” Tears were falling slowly, but Y/N was quick to pick them.

“Why didnt you tell him?”

“Yeah, Kate let me just tell him the truth of why I left him because the messages weren’t offensive nor threatening enough. And let’s just assume that the person texting wouldn’t blackmail either of us if they knew I said something. Anyways, maybe it was for the best...I could never fit in his world and those past few months just proved that.” Y/N’s words continue to spill out every fear and thought she had bottled up within her. It felt good..for a moment, but nothing can really erase a heartbreak of losing the one you loved.

As the pair walked through the shark tunnel, Y/N bumped into a tall figure. “Oh my god, Im so sorry...Matt?” she asked in confusion. The moment Y/N looked up into those familiar brown eyes hidden behind the thin glasses, she knew. How could she forget? 

“Y/N? Wow, it’s been so long how are you?” Matt greeted as he wrapped her into a hug. “Kate, it’s good to see you again too.” 

“Yeah, we’re great, just you know...navigating life.” Kate responded to him. “We haven’t seen you since what?  High school?”

Matt smiled and nodded at Kate’s response, his focus remaining on Y/N. He didn’t remember much with Kate back in high school, but Y/N was a different story. They were good friends at the time, always competing in classes, but as junior year rolled by things got awkward. Y/N was falling for Matt while he didn’t return the favor at the time. Though he’d be lying if he didn’t say he may have felt the same at one point, but just never committed. Now all grown up, he didn’t realize how pretty she turned out, but her personality wasn't there. He must have figured something was wrong. After all, a girl with that kind of spunk back in the day, didn't seem like the one to lose hers so easily. “Yeah, look. I know it’s kind of a spur in the moment, but maybe we can all hang out sometime? I’d love to catch up.” 

Kate was all for it, but Y/N felt a tension she wasn’t sure if she wanted to act upon. After all, breaking up with your boyfriend after 2 weeks, because of threatening messages and still loving him deeply, it wasn’t an easy thing to move on from. Then again it’s not like Matt was asking for a date, it was just to catch up after not seeing each other for 6 years. “Uh, maybe. I have to check my schedule, and see when Im free, but I can let you know” Y/N answers him. 

“Great, well..here’s my number, and hopefully I hear from you guys. I gotta get back to my brother, so hope to see you around.” he quickly says as he walks away. 

“Wow. Matt Brynne, who would have guessed?” Kate says, breaking the silence. 

“I know...Funny I used to be so head over heels with him at the time, and now I barely feel a thing.” 

“Well yeah, cause you still love...you-know-who.” she teases, though it probably wasn't the best time to be making that type of joke with everything going on.

“And I don't think I’ll ever stop.” Y/N mutters to herself. As Y/N and Kate make their way forward, Kate’s phone began to vibrate. 

Unknown

Set up a date and take a picture of Y/N and that boy you posted on your insta story. Or Y/N finds out the truth about what you did. XOXO

Kate looked up as she cursed herself, realizing she forgot to keep her story private. It was supposed to be a harmless post of old friends reuniting and now the unknown number has used it as blackmail. It would have been easy to find the culprit, but her view count was up in the thousands with unfamiliar faces. It’s what she gets after gaining a decent following on TikTok. Kate couldn’t let Y/N know what she did, and she’d make sure she would hide that truth from her for as long as she can. “Hey, Y/N...I think we should hit up Matt.” she says, running after her best friend. 

At the same time, another texted popped from Y/N’s phone. She picked up thinking it might have been a group chat with her close friends, but it was from the only person who could make her heart flutter and break simultaneously. 

Tom

I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. I still love you. 

Y/N almost called him..almost, but she knew better. She couldn’t...not unless she wanted to continue to hurt each other. 

Meanwhile, back in London, Harrison was ready to come clean to Tom about what he’d found out. He watched as Tom finished typing on his phone, and throwing it on the side of the bed, rubbing his face. This was the new normal. Tom being alone in the dark, reflecting on his sadness and exhaustion. Only stepping out when needed and keeping up smiles for appearances. 

It was then Harrison was ready to knock on the door, when his phone received a notification.

Unknown

Don’t even think about it. Or I’ll make sure you and your lads careers are over for good.

Harrison sighed deeply, as he put his phone down, and walked away. Until he came to a most probable conclusion. “Natalie.” he says anger. “I should have fucking known.” At this point he no longer cared, about who she was before and how they were friends. The timing of it all seemed too perfect. Her arrival, the eavesdropping, the flirting. It had to be her but with what proof other than unknown numbers and good timing? Another part of him feared...what if it wasn't her?

Meanwhile, Tom was still unaware of what was really happening behind his door, but he did know, he had to take a chance now and try to contact her instead of sending these useless messages. In the moment, he showed no signs of regret, only praying Y/N would pick up so he could hear her voice. 

“Tom?” Y/N answers hesitantly.

Tom closes his eyes, as he takes in her soft and gently voice. “Y/N.” he speaks softly into the phone. 

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings

You’re bored? How about you answer the rest of the questions for Climbing Crash? 😂😂 (pretty please 🥺)

Oh lordy, let’s do this I guess! Also this is posted like super late, sorry about that I didn’t see this until just before I left for work asdljasldj. Also, most of these will be answered in respect to my outlast au obvs, cause that’s the type of climbing chrash I’ve got on the brain!

GENERAL

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go? Without spoiling too much, cause this is a scene I’m super looking forward to write someday, Josh finally brings it up after Chris and Ashley confront him about why he’s been so cagey and irritated lately. Once it’s out in the open though, the two of them just go ‘oh’ and its answers a lot of their questions on why they’d been feeling so awkward recently.

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like? Seeing as they’re trying to keep the fact that they’re dating a secret from literally everyone, their first ‘date’ was them watching a movie and crashing on the couch when they stayed up too late. They absolutely woke up stiff and sore and tangled, and they happiest they had been in a while.

What was their first kiss like? Hesitant, unsure, and awkward, (just like them <3) but it felt like a piece they had always been missing just slotted right into place. But oh man the ones following were anything but. 

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)? Look at these dorks. You expect me to believe that Chris and Ash, who were so hung up on each other, and Josh, who was so busy trying to get his best friends together that he ignored his own feelings, had interest in dating other people? I mean, even if Josh did date occasionally in high school, I can’t see it lasting long cause it just felt wrong to NOT have Chris and Ash there with him, so he either ends it pretty quickly or the other person realized that Josh really wasn’t into it a whole lot and shut it down themselves. They were absolutely 100% each other’s first everything.  

What’s their height difference? Age difference? Do I even need to explain this one? I mean it’s right there in canon lol. Josh and Chris are the same height, with Ash going up to about their chin. That being said, age difference wise, I totally headcanon that Josh is not quite 2 years older then Ash, and Chris is about 1 1/2 years older then her.

What’s their relationship with each other’s families? Once upon a time, before the events that lead into my outlast au? Things were great, they were constantly at the others house to hang out and shit since they were kids so their parents tended to think of them like extra kids. Now? Oh the Washington’s hate Ashley.

Who takes the lead in social situations? Josh obviously. The dude is a rich, charismatic asshole who is used to shmoozing and rubbing elbows with other rich, charismatic assholes. Guy’s got a silver tongue what can I say 😏

Who gets jealous easier? Honestly? I think there was absolutely a period of time when they first started dating where they weren’t jealous of other people hanging out with them, but jealous of each other. Like there was some major insecurities that had to be worked out. 

Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear? Oh Josh 100%. Def def def just pops behind one of the others to whisper the dirtiest shit into their ears just to watch them turn into a fucking tomato and squeak in embarrassment. The others hope he’ll get over it eventually, he never does.

LOVE

Who said “I love you” first? Either Josh or Ashley I think. Kind of waffling back and forth on them, but I’m leaning more Ash right now. Don’t wanna go too much further into this cause I’m still sorting through how this scene is gonna happen myself. I’ve got ideas, but very very loose ones.

What are their primary love languages? Had to look up what these were lol. Ummmmm, physical touch and quality time definitely, but words of affirmation are a big one too, just less so.

Who uses cheesy pick-up lines? Chris. Just, just Chris. Nothing makes him happier then using the worst pick up line ever and watching Ash and Josh groan and/or laugh in response. Josh will use them too, his just tends to come hand in hand with the whole inappropriate whispering thing lol.

How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA? PDA? They’re trying to keep everything on the down low, so very little. But once things are out in the open, they almost always squished together and hands stuck into another’s pockets. In private though? Oh boy, good luck separating these assholes. They were absolutely those friends that were just super relaxed and willing to hang off the others or sit on them at the drop of a hat. Now that they’re dating they are even worse.

Who initiates kisses? Oh man, so I’ve been thinking about this for like an entire day now, and I STILL DONT KNOW. I mean, Chris and Ashley seem to me the type of people who absolutely adore the more ‘innocent’ and ‘sweetly romantic’ kisses; like cheek, knuckles, forehead type jazz. Makes them feel all bubbly and giggly and warm. But Josh is the one who goes for the more sensual/sexual I think; base of the neck, corner of the mouth, nip of the ear. He takes a frankly scary amount of joy in watching the other two just get all flustered and turn into stammering messes. So Chris and Ash are more likely initiate the everyday and sweet ones, whereas Josh loves initiating the ones that lead into something more. Does that make sense? 

Who’s the big and little spoon? I think that they’re less spoons and more sandwiches honestly lol. But when spooning does happen, Josh absolutely refuses to be the little spoon. Ever. Chris is more then happy to be either the holder or the hold-ee, he doesn’t care which as long as he’s there. Meaning that Ash tends to get regulated to little spoon, but she’ll glady hold on when the chance arises. When they’re feeling particularly clingy though? Well, that’s my little secret ;)

What are their favorite things to do together? Is everything an answer? Cause it’s everything. 

Who’s better at comforting the other? Chris is definitely more skilled at the whole comforting thing no question. But the other two aren’t too bad at it themselves.

Who’s more protective? If you’re expecting me to say Chris, well then you’re wrong. It’s absolutely Josh and Ashley. They’ve been through some shit before and after they got together in this au. If you even think of hurting her boys, Ashley will not hesitate to rip your head off and tear you to shreds, physically or verbally. Josh is less obvious about his anger, and that almost makes him more dangerous. 

Do they prefer verbal or physical affection? Physical affection all the way. They’re just so used to being able to just touch each other whenever they wanted that the blow of having it taken away just about breaks them.

What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise? Oh jesus. Okay, so I don’t know how many people have listened to my really messy outlast au playlist, but a decent chunk of it is just climbing chrash songs. So the few I’m about to share are ones that I think apply to them in general, but I have a veritable laundry list of songs that work specifically to this particular au. You’re Mine - Disturbed Wind Me Up - Strange Kids Cemetery Weather - Isles & Glaciers Blindfold - Sleeping Wolf (i can feel it in my bones that this is a climbing chrash song, i just can’t tell you why)

Whispers in the Dark - Skillet

What kind of nicknames do they call each other? They really don’t. I mean we got Cochise, but that’s about it. Other than that it’s just the shortened form of their names. (I had Josh call Ashley ‘Red’ in another fic, but that was before they even knew each others names, I don’t think he ever really uses it again. Maybe if he’s feeling a little competitive? Maybe?)

Who remembers the little things? Oh definitely Ashley, for good or for worse. She will remember the time you promised her half a chocolate bar and only gave her the last bite as easily as the time you picked up the book she had been looking at for ages on the way home one day and gave her a kiss on the head when she started to read it immediately after.

Ship questions over here!

dunno if i’ll be able to finish this. but so like dabihawks au where like. dabi does his research aka when he was touya he was with his dad once during the whole takami thief thing and met keigo. flash forward he doesnt believe a thing about this hero hawks. sees him for the fabricated person he has become. and eventually hawks sees dabi for who he really is and was and like vigilante-ish dabihawks. bits about the au and the snippet i wrote under the cut.

cause this shit gets LONG af

hawks feels fake. doesnt rlly know who he has even become

the commission kinda forced a lotta habits out of him and completely molded him into who they want him to be

he barely even finds his name to be anything more than a stranger’s name at this point. 

anyway so dabi p much knows who he is. does his own digging. and kinda puts some pieces together and sees how fake hawks is

hawks barely even knows if he shows any genuine emotions at this point. he’s kinda at a breaking point where he cant recognize himself and separate keigo from hawks. feeling like hawks has just swallowed him whole

he does show genuine things though. sometimes says or does shit out of line but he tends to have obedience beat into him even if he sometimes has a bit of a mouth on him. it’s mild tho

at the start of dabi working w hawks, hawks was very careful

it kinda progressed into keigo coming out more around dabi even though it was in bits and pieces

anyway dabi puts two and two together and realizes him and hawks are pretty similar and instead of seeing him as a traitor (though he’s sure that he’s not 100% on their side) he sees him as someone who can fit in with the misfits and he can p much fully convince hawks to ditch the bs

so the confrontation happens (see ending snippet) and hawks is like wtf just happened

and p much eventually there’s some tender moments between dabi and hawks and hawks ends up explaining how used he’s felt

he has been molded into the perfect obedient soldier; maybe sorta kinda explains that the commission is having him do double agent duties and instead of reacting badly dabi is p receptive and doesnt just try to kill him. instead he can see how badly hawks wants to break out of his cage and fly free and he deeply feels for that and knows how that can feel and is like aight well fuck them

so hawks kinda double agents on the commission?? 

and he does end up meeting the LoV and like sees how human they are

but also he’s like damn son but okay i dont agree w everything

and dabi is like yeahhh same ??? idk they are a means to an ends for me but also not lmao 

and then there’s some dabi spilling his guts as they get closer and get more intimate and very much boyfriends

and hawks is so livid and he cant help but fuck around with endeavor the next time he sees him. and like he’s just so much more distant to him. he can’t begin to wrap his head around it. and he’s so broken that like.. the one person that he saw as his true hero. that “saved him” is a horrible person behind closed doors

the one person who he was inspired by and agreed to join the commission’s forces for is just horrible

there’s just a lotta solidarity between hawks and dabi and a lotta shared anger and hurt

and they’re boyfriends and it’s great but also like hawks isn’t a horrible person

neither is dabi ??? i mean listen they’ve both killed ppl. they probs will continue to kinda do it. but it’s always just horrible ppl

like listen killing ?? not great folks??? but also like idk man.. 

they also def leave kids outta this 10000% 

anyway p much they end up ditching the LoV too. try to get some of them outta that shit. like toga who has become like a sorta lil sister for dabi in a way

they both just feel so horrible and gross seeing kids get into that shit

also like the girl needs some HELP. some therapy and rehabilitation idk

idk i love the morality shit with the LoV but might not play with it too much here

anyway they end up doing their own thing and the commission is quick to denounce him and just ruin his image

and try to kill him lmao they made him a perfect hero which could be a perfect villain and if he isn’t working for them he’s working against them (i mean he is) and needs to be Stopped Permanently

anyway here’s the snippet. my single brain cell that helped write this has left my body:

At this point, Hawks wasn’t so sure he was even real. His existence felt fabricated. Each smile or joke carefully placed. Each movement was calculated. He didn’t act out of line. His interviews were carefully thought out months in advance if not lies that he himself began to believe after years of telling them. His penthouse had just enough “personal” touches that when he had a spare moment to invite someone over it actually seemed like it could be a home. Hawks’ original motivations were squashed and were pushed aside unless they created an interesting story. His natural mannerisms that came with his mutation quirk were learned to be suppressed. Hell his own name sounded like a stranger’s to his ears. That is if anyone even knew it. 

“Is there anything real about you, hero,” Dabi spoke. His back wasn’t fully to Hawks, left side presented to him as he set a framed graduation photo down and fully faced the winged hero. Dabi stuffed his hands in his pockets and tilted his head to the side some, waiting for an answer. Hawks snorted and gave him an unamused look.

“I’m as real as they get, hot stuff.” He kept a casual air about his words, hands spreading out in surrender. “Not sure what else you expect.”

Hawks was on edge, but he wouldn’t let the villain know it. They were supposed to be meeting soon, but once again the villain pulled something unexpected and had been waiting for Hawks in his own apartment. Hawks’ feathers twitched slightly, sharpened edges ready for the command if it came. Dabi leveled him with an unimpressed stare. There was a moment where their gazes met in an intense battle, though Dabi’s look softened as he broke out in a lazy grin.

“Y’know... You might be just as much of a mystery as I am, Pretty Bird.”

“I think I’m a pretty open book myself.”

“I think you like to let people think that.”

“And I think you’re just trying to fuck with me. Can we just get to what you came here for? I had a looong day and kinda wanna get some food and some sleep.” Hawks punctuated his words by stretching his arms up high before shedding off his coat, goggles, and headphones. He tossed the coat over the back of his couch and dropped the gear onto the end table. He hoped Dabi would just drop this whole line of thought, take this as some sort of submission, and be satisfied enough to leave. 

Wrong.

“Oh, we can get to that later… You, on the other hand, are much more interesting.” He moved closer, hands coming out of his pockets as he crossed the room to stand a few feet from Hawks. 

“I’d love to be a great host and entertain you, but unfortunately I wasn’t expecting any guests today.” Hawks crossed his arms and watched Dabi carefully, eyes narrowing some in challenge. 

“That’s too bad. You know, I’ve been doing some research on you. I don’t quite think you are who you say you are, Hawks.” The winged-hero tensed just ever so slightly before forcing his muscles to relax some. He didn’t like the way things were going. While Dabi’s fire was his ultimate weakness, he’s sure that he’s fast enough to put a sharpened feather to his throat and end this all here and now than Dabi would be if he wanted to put the spy to an end.

“And who do you think I am then, Dabi?” He raised an unruly eyebrow. His primaries ached to shoot out and end this, poised at the ready.

Dabi blinked slowly, bright turquoise eyes disappearing for a moment before shining under heavily lidded eyes. His grin stretched a bit wider, tugging on where healthy skin met the grafts. 

“I think you aren’t the hero you put out there… Or the person you say you are. You like to say a lotta nothin’ don’t you?” Dabi stepped closer and Hawks’ fingers twitched but his arms remained crossed.

“I think you like to pretend to be this airhead bird. Like to use that name. Like to look like you’re the perfect little hero... You’re good at it, too. You aren’t though, are you… Takami Keigo.” 

Hawks had a primary feather in each hand, on pressed to Dabi’s throat. It pressed in just enough to draw some blood from the marred skin grafts. He could feel the heat radiating from Dabi’s skin and particularly from the small flames in each of his palms, but the villain made no move to use it against him. He just continued to grin. 

“What’s the look of surprise there, Birdie?” Dabi purred. 

“How do you know that name?” He demanded, crowding further into Dabi’s space. 

“Like I said, I did my research. Now unless you want to end up on the crispy side of cooked, I’d ease the fuck up,” Dabi’s voice took on a slight bite towards the end and his grin lessened. “And here I was going to tell you that you can meet the boss finally. Thought you might be real League material.”

Hawks instincts and mind screamed to press the sharp feather further or at least hold his position, demand answers. His judgment told him to ease off and soften the feathers once more. Hawks didn’t move too far from Dabi, though the primary feathers in his hands softened and returned to his wings. The heat radiating off Dabi died down along with the flames in his hands. Steam left his skin as he killed the flames. 

“Much better… We don’t want any incidents like that when you get to meet the boss, right? You’re lucky I’m a lot more patient.” Hawks wasn’t sure what this was all about but didn’t argue with him on that point.

“Glad to see your fake little hero persona is starting to crack.”

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

lasagna evening

request: Could you write some domestic fluff with adult stan uris

A/N: (2020 edit: this was my first ever stanley writing :>) Man oh man do i love this concept. ajsndfjsdf i love, i just love. I apologise for the title lmao i dont have any other ideas alsdfsdjn. This is so fluffy and cliché that you're going to die :D Btw, gifs of Andy Bean are very hard to find and I'm mad about it. Hope this is what you were looking for. Happy reading!

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“Honey, I'm home!” Stan says in a louder voice so his loved one could hear him. For she's known to often leave music playing loudly through their apartment and go into another room to do something. He hears the smooth voice of Billie Holiday singing about autumn in New York and he smiles to himself, kicking off his shoes. The music is loud enough for her not to hear him at all. 

He walks into the kitchen, both hands holding a grocery bag tightly until he puts them both on the center counter. Her music is playing right in front of him, just a few feet between him and the sound system. 

“Baby!” He calls again. Stan leaves the bags be and they crinkle a bit, the products falling on top of one another. He walks over to the sound system and turns the song's volume down. And he hears her humming. It's coming from her study.

Stan jogs a little down the hallway to get to her and reaches the door frame of her study. He peaks his head in. “Babylove,” he says and smiles immediately upon seeing his girl sitting on her carpet, her back turned to him, still humming and obviously hunched over something. 

She whips her head around and smiles wide. There's a wicked glimmer in her eyes. “Honey!” She squeals and hurriedly gets up from her position, almost falling over her own legs, and tip-toes over to her one and only. 

He leans in to steal a kiss from her soft angel lips and she still has to stand on her tip-toes for him to succeed. She embraces him then, her arms around his neck, and smiles wide. Stan recieves a loving kiss on the cheek and smiles, too. His eyes are full of love for the woman in front of him. 

“What are you doing in here?” He asks, his hand going in slow circles over her back. 

“Before you turned my music down,” she says, pouting and pointing her index finger into the middle of his chest, “I was listening to Billie and making another small sculpture.” She smiles, proud of herself.

“You're getting inspired again?” Stan raises his eyebrows in happy surprise and his love nods, biting her bottom lip. “So, who's the muse?”

“You, silly.” She says and they both laugh. She notices Stan already glancing behind her shoulder to see what she's making. To not spoil the surprise, she brings his eyes back to her, holding his chin softly. “It's not finished yet. When it will be, you'll be the first to see. And you know that.”

“Of course. You know I'm impatient about seeing your art.” He tells her and tickles her sides a little, making her giggle in the most beautiful way. 

“So,” she claps her hands, “what are we making tonight?”

“Hmm, let's see...” Stan pretends to think, “seeing as I bought the ingredients for lasagna, I guess we're making... lasagna?” He squints, teasing his girl. She laughs and kisses him on the cheek again. And then all over his face, which makes Stanley laugh instead. 

When he's about to plead for breath, she stops and grabs his hand, closing her study door with the other. She drags them both back down the hallway and lets go of Stan's hand to turn the volume higher. Stan gives her a mock-annoyed look, but they both laugh.

One of the billion, trillion things he loves so much about his girl is her energy and youthfulness. They're only two years apart, but Stanley has always felt older than he actually is. And he wanted to enjoy his youth when it was happening, but a lot of things kept him from it. 

Her youthfulness and eagerness and sort-of hyperactivity brings joy in his life. Makes him happy about still being here, having a life. She's brighter than the sun to him in many ways. 

“Do you have the recipe?” Stan asks her as they're unpacking the groceries.

“Uh-huh, I printed it out. It should be next to the sink.” She replies, pulling tomato after tomato out of the bag.

“Terrible place for a paper to be, if you ask me.” He tells her, but she only laughs. Stan walks over to the sink and sure enough, there is a page with a recipe printed on it. And it's not wet. He quickly goes over the ingredients and steps. “So how was work today?”

She works as a museum manager/administrator in a pottery museum in town. Taking that she's an artist herself, she needs to be in an artistic place and area at all times. An administrator might not seem like the job to you, but to her it's the perfect one that pays the bills and takes her on holidays with her loved one. Many artists to meet, artworks to see and inspiration to suck in.

“Quite amazing. You know I met that one artist I've always wanted to host at my museum—”

“Emily Lacey?” Stan finishes instead of her. She nods.

“Yup. And she's even more lovely than I thought she'd be. She's got great sense of humor, a great sense of style, of course, and turns out we have a lot in common.” She tells him. Stan smiles, watching her rush around the kitchen and talk. “She likes to read books, go to the cinema, travelling, hiking.”

“Wow, you two are basically twins.” He states.

“I know, right?” She looks at him with wide eyes, clearly excited. Stanley chuckles. “How was your day?” She asks him. 

“It was good.” He says. “Better now that I'm home.” Stan states and they share a look of love and knowing. “The book is coming along well, there's not much left. And I had to teach a new class today! All the kids were sweethearts.”

“How old were they?” She asks and, while doing so, gives Stan a piece of dough to flatten out. They both start working on a piece.

“Uh, they're... I think second or third grade, so eight to nine.” Stan says in between grunts of pushing the wooden roll on the dough. “Why such a question?”

She shrugs. “Just wondering. Thought they'd put you in a college now.” She admits, and huffs.

“Huh.” He turns to her, puts the roll down and crosses his arms over his chest. “Don't you think I'm good enough for primary school?”

She laughs and huffs again. “No, I think you're more than good enough for primary school, and better than perfect for teaching college kids ornithology.” She tells him, honestly.

“Listen, it's nothing wrong with me.” Stan insists, pointing at his chest and raising his eyebrows. “Ornithology is not the most desired class in college, even for biology majors. So they have one professor in each college that isn't exactly an ornithologyst, but knows enough and can memorise texts from books. And they put that guy to teach ornithology if it's at all necessary.” He explains in detail.

“But that is so unfair! I bet you're not the only ornithologyst without a chance to teach in college, and they put some knock-offs in your place.” She justifies.

“You have a fair point.” Stanley agrees. She smiles wide. 

“I know. You gotta fight for your rights, hon.” She tells him. “We both know that your passion is ornithology and that you're an actual ornithologyst. They should let, whoever's in charge of it, the people who really know what they're talking about teach ornithology. It makes a huge difference for the kids.”

“Listen, if your artist carrier ever flakes, you should become an education politican.” Stan says upon restarting to flatten the dough. His love laughs out loud, holding her tummy. Stanley only smiles wide to himself.

“Can you even imagine me dressed in formal clothes everyday, having that politician-lady haircut, wearing glasses and talking in a very serious voice about the issues of today?” She asks him, mimicking the way politicians speak in the last part. She even makes a funny face. “I could never. I mean, yeah, they pay you like, crazy money, but I'd never do that.” She shakes her head, still quietly laughing to herself. Stanley keeps smiling.

Merely two hours later, the couple have finished their lasagna. They had put on their food-making playlist, which is basically a playlist full of songs that they know all the lyrics to and sing together to at the top of their lungs. Includes ABBA, Queen, David Bowie, Journey, Elton John and many, many others. 

They're happily setting the coffee table in the living room, and they're almost finished. Stan is already turning on the TV, wrapped in a blanket and waiting for his one and only to join him. 

She's still getting them forks and spoons, and when she has, she turns off all the lights in the apartment. Except for the little light in the kitchen above the stove, that one always stays on.

She tip-toes—a habit of hers that is not entirely healthy for her feet—into the living room and puts the instruments down on the table. She collapses into Stan's open, waiting arms with a happy sigh. He wraps the blanket around her and keeps his arm around her, too. 

Her fingers push between his and they lock together. As if their hands were crafted just to be interlocked with the other's, no one else's. They feel like they're made for each other. 

Stanley presses a kiss into her hair. “What are we watching tonight?” He asks, his cheek now pressed where his lips just were.

“Hmm,” she thinks and watches Stan browsing through movies and tv-shows on the screen, “something funny. Don't you think?”

“Yeah, we always watch dramas.” He agrees. “I'm kinda sick of you making me cry every other evening.” Stan admits then, and they both laugh. Stan yawns.

“Do you have a favorite?” She questions, looking up at him. He looks down at her and almost gets hypnotised. Looking at her makes him go a bit weak, every and anytime. The years spent together either don't do anything to help it or even give more to the effect.

“I don't watch that many comedies, not my favorite genre.” He tells her as his hand caresses the side of her face. She closes her eyes to that. “You can choose. Show me your favorite!” He suggests and she smiles. “Just not anything dumb, okay? I know you like those a lot, but, please, spare me.”

She looks at him and rolls her eyes playfully. “Alright, alright.” She agrees and turns to lay on her stomach, over Stan's lap and takes the remote from his hand. “I'll spare your soul from the doom of dumb comedy movies, my prince.” She teases and Stan smiles. “Aha!” She exclaims upon finally finding the movie she was looking for. 

She pushes the 'play' button and reaches for their two plates of lasagna while the intro plays. She straightens her back, sitting normally just like Stan and giving him his lasagna piece.

“Hear ye, hear ye. Feast your eyes and ears with the wonder that is Bruce Almighty!” She theatrically introduces the movie. She likes Shakespeare and Old English, despite that she may not be the best at using it right. Stan smiles at her. 

They lean in to steal a few kisses from each other before indulging in their home-made (hopefully, well-made) lasagna and the world of Jim Carrey's comedy. 

Permanent taglist: @v0idbella @inlovewithmiddleagedcelebs @works-of-fanfiction @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @stfxlou @ur-gunna-h8-ths@empressdreams @betweenloveandfire @but-legendsneverdie@deardeacy @thewinchesterchronicles @mavieesttriste16@mrsmazzello@benhardyseyes @langdonzvoid @intrrverted @the-freak-cassie-131

A/N: Tell me why everytime I look at a picture of Stanley Uris, I immediately want to cry. Oh my God. heurehuherufshfsdh. 

7th Stage Set List Speculation 

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I put way too much time and effort into thinking up a possible set list for 7th stage, and I’m sure it’ll be way off, but I’m curious how close I can get. Some clarifications, other ideas, and explanations below the read more. Be warned, it’s very long.

*This is not an official set Utapri 7th Stage list, just speculation.

Basic Layout:

1. This is all assuming they want something similar-ish to Maji Love Kingdom, plus solos and other recent songs. I didnt want to just copy the Maji Love Kingdom set list and whack some solos in there

2. Another order I considered was similar to the 5th stage layout where they did ‘character 1 solo, character 2 solo, character 3 solo, song they did together.’ I do think this is definitely possible for 7th stage, and if they do do this, it could be, for example, Tokiya solo, Cecil solo, Yamato solo, Colourfully Spark. I mainly didnt use this for my primary example because I figured it might be odd if they arent doing Quartet Night Solos. 

3. Not very notable, but I also placed the solos in the order the boys are usually in (Otoya, Masato, Natsuki, Tokiya, Ren, Syo, Cecil) with the matching Heavens order. 

4. I did my best to not have too much focus on one group to the point where you dont see another at all until the second half or later. This happened with 6th stage with Heavens not even being introduced until an hour and 45 minutes in. There is a bit of a gap without Quartet Night as Heavens and Starish do their solos, but I feel like this is a bit unnavoidable, and tried to counterbalance it by having the shining masterpiece songs (no heavens) before the solos. 

5. Of this speculative set list, I consider Setsugetsuka-Michibiki Hikari to be the first half, and Up Down Up-Welcome to Utapri Kingdom (just realised I wrote welcome to utapri world in the graphic but you get me) to be the second half. This doesnt matter too much, but it could be split this way across discs or have an interlude inbetween. There are less songs in the ‘second half’ but it does end up being around the same length when you consider we usually get about 2 20 minute talks at the end.

Explanations:

1. I didnt include Quartet Night songs for a few reasons. Mainly because they dont have any new ones released lately and there have already been two QN only lives with qnlf being the most recent main live since 6th stage. It’s certainly possible that they might include some repeats of older QN solos, but this set list is already at the same length and amount of songs as 6th stage, so it would add enough extra time to make 7th stage too long. 

2. Obviously I didnt include a Nagi solo because Wingu isn’t able to attend 7th stage. I assumed this would not affect other song selections and that they will likely have other members fill in for his parts in group songs.

3. I was unable to figure out which new set of solos for Heavens and Starish they would use. I didn’t decide the ones used for any particular reason, so I wouldn’t at all be surprised if different solos than I wrote are used. 

4. I used Setsugetsuka as the opener song, because I thought it would not only allow for special outfits to be worn by Starish and Quartet Night that could be chanegd after their introductions, but it also saved time (instead of having one starish song and one QN song, theyre combined). It’s not quite an exciting booming start to the live, but it is a very well loved song by the fandom that hasnt been performed yet, and the first few notes are very recognisable. I can also imagine it fading nicely into a Heavens group song  I’m not sure about this choice, but I couldnt quite shake the idea, so I kept it. Wouldn’t be surprised if they started with the same three group songs as Maji Love Kingdom though. 

5. In general, I tried to consider things like outfit changes, the time of each song, having a first and second half that can be split onto two discs for dvd/bluray release, and most importantly perhaps, not having the same seiyuu perform too many times in a row to avoid them getting too exhausted.

6.  I found it very hard to place Encore. Unlike a lot of the other Mamo songs, it isnt exactly a hype, exciting song to start off a live (after the initial group songs) but it also doesnt really work in the middle after the solos, or towards the end. Having the song be called ‘encore’ and being played during the credits of Maji Love Kingdom really give that vibe that it should be an encore song.

7. I don’t think they would want 4 Quartet Night+Starish joint songs without Heavens (as it would cause a bit of an imbalance) so I figure they might do either the Shining CD 2 songs or the upcoming Black/White songs that are released shortly before the live. For now I’ve gone with Wonder Rondo and Dancing Over Night because we dont know the length of the Black/White songs.

 “Things that would be cool but probably won’t happen”:

1. I placed Encore towards the start of my set list, but theres something that I would love to see, no matter where its placed. If the song starts with Mamo singing, as expected, until about 30 seconds in when slowly all other seiyuu would walk on stage and join in. This would allow the song to be used as an encore with all seiyuu, or just help build variety and excitement to an otherwise (albeit intense) but slower more emotional song. It also lines up well with the songs build itself as well as the MV that slowly includes more and more people. 

2. More special outfits for Setsugetsuka and the Shining Masterpiece songs and more special outfits/performances in general. I think this is the reason why previous performances like Koizakura and other Shining Theatre songs are so memorable.

3. Pretty sure this one is almost 100% not happening, but, I want Sawashiro Miyuki as a guest to sing Maigo no Kokoro, Haru’s solo song from the first season of the anime. It’s so often forgotten, but its a beautiful song. This would also serve as a nice interlude for the boys to have an outfit change or change staging etc. 

4. I feel like there should maybe be a third encore song, but I couldnt choose a good one. It feels odd to not have 1000% or 2000%, so a version of them with all three groups is possible. If they are going to have a new version of an older song, I feel like a Mirai Chizu would be a great choice. Not only does it suit an encore (emotionally and lyrically speaking), but they haven’t performed it since 1st stage, and I feel like it could work really well with all groups together. Or it could be some kind of new medley or song entirely. 

5. Of course, there are 3 big things we’d all like to see announced at 7th stage. These being: a 5th season of the anime or some kind of sequel, Dolce Vita news, and a large scale update to shining live (eg, adding Heavens.)

Stats of my set list:

1. The total song time of my set list is 2 hours and 20 minutes with an hour and a half of extra time including a shining dancers or other interlude, introduction video, talks, about 5-10 seconds inbetween songs, audience encore call, and goodbyes. 

2. The final time of this set list would be about 3 hours and 48 minutes. 

3. For the performance on the 18th for example, doors open at 2pm, and 7th stage begins at 4:30. With this set list, it seems like it would end at about 8:15-8:30pm which allows for enough time to exit the dome before 9:00pm.

4. There are 33 songs in this set list (one talk is incorrectly labeled as an extra song in the graphic) which is the same as 6th stage.

For anyone who’s gotten this far, thank you. This is literally essay length and I wrote it in 50 minutes. It was a lot of fun thinking up this set list, so I’m excited to see if im at all accurate, or 100% wrong. Either way I’m so excited to see the actual set list. 

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

Magic AU

Chapter 2

Marinette was buzzing. The freedom she was allowed by being Lucky Charm was euphoric. Finally, she was allowed to use her ability her way!

She didn’t have to do the silly routines her instructors made her do or hide her abilities “for her own safety.”

Being Lucky Charm was all she wanted to do!

And Cataclysm? He was so smart and supportive of her. Truly the only leader she could want.

“Hey girl!” It was Alya, her seatmate. “Check it out, the Lucky Charmed, primary source of info on our hero Lucky Charm and her sidekick.”

“Are you sure Lucky Charm’s not Cataclysm’s sidekick?”

“Nah, check it, LC is clearly heavily Blessed. She has creation of all things! Do you know how rare that is? Cataclysm just has destruction, he’s obviously just some poor Cursed she took pity on.”

She felt a surge of rage at the offensive term. All abilities can be positive! It just takes the right training, which isn’t provided for ‘negative abilities!’

“Also, did you see the news? People are turning into stone left and right! No one knows why.”

“That’s awful, what’s gonna happen to them and their families?”

“Who and who’s families?” Felix!

“Hey Felix, we were just talking about the people who turned into stone after Ivan.”

“What? People turning to stone? That butterfly that I… Cataclysm let loose must have done something to them.”

“How do you know about the butterfly, Mr, Felix?” Alya leaned forward and narrowed her eyes.

“I saw your footage Miss…”

“Alya.” Marinette supplied.

“Alya. I must commend you, it was impressive for amateur footage.”

She preened. “Thanks! By the way, what class are you in, I haven’t seen you around.”

Marinette noticed Felix stiffen. “I am not in any classes around here.”

“You mean you’re…” Alya took a step back.

“Relax, Alya. Felix isn’t dangerous. It’s just a bad luck thing, not anything really bad. Besides, he has a nullifier, see?” She held up his hand, only to see the ring finger empty. “Felix…”

“I do have bad luck, you know. Loosing my nullifier just comes with the territory.”

“It’s fine, I have an extra.” She fished through her pocket, pulling out another ring. “There. Try not to lose it this time, ‘kay?”

“Of course. I will see you at lunch, then? I need to be off soon.”

“Sure, see you then.”

As she waved Felix goodbye, Alya gave her an odd look.

“What?”

“Are you two dating?”

“No, Alya, Felix is just a good friend. Bad luck and good luck do go well together.”

She humed. “You know what they say,” she leaned in and whispered in her ear, “opposites attract.”

Before she could blush, Chloe’s voice rang in her ears. “Well, you know, it makes sense. You were in a Cursed class, once a monster, always a monster.”

She dashed over putting her hand on Ivan’s shoulder. “You would know all about being a monster, huh Chloe? He was just having a hard time, give him a break, all of you!” She pulled Ivan aside, into the locker room. “You wanna Tell me what happened yesterday, Ivan? Maybe I could help.”

“Kim was being a jerk.” He mumbled.

“About what?” She prompted. “Your crush on Mylene, right?”

“He told you?” He glared at her, and she could see his eyes begin to glow the same green as when he was Stoneheart.

“No, no. Stay postive! It was just a lucky guess, I see the way you look at her. You should tell her.”

“How? I’m not that good with words, you know.”

“Ummm, you could…” her eye caught the MP3 player next to him. “Write her a song! It would be so romantic,” she swooned, “Mylene would be sure to fall for you then.”

“O-okay, I’ll write her a song!” Ivan looked at her with a new determination. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure, Ivan. And remember, stay positive.” She gave him a bracing side hug before dashing off to class.

————————

“What. Are. You. Doing.” Each word was cold, a skill learned from spending so much time with Felix. Some blond boy was sticking gum on her seat. Seemed more like a Chloe, well Sabrina, thing to do.

“I was just, just…” as he turned around, she recognized his face from one of the pictures Chloe flung around daily.

“Save it. You’re one of Chloe’s friends, right?” She pulled out a handkerchief and draped it over the gum. She could deal with Blondie later.

“Girl, dont you know who that is?” Alya whispered to her, eyes bright with excitement.

“Uh, a world class jerk?”

“No, look!” She pulled out her phone. “It’s Adrien Agreste! Son of world class fashion designer Gabriel Agreste.”

“Oh my goodness! He’s my all time favorite fashion designer!” She stared at the phone. “Sucks that he’s one of Chloe’s cronies, though.”

“Yeah.”

As Ms. Bustier began roll call, Mylene dashed in and Marinette began to have an odd feeling in her stomach, like something was wrong.

Adrien shouted “Present!” And Marinette giggled, serves him right.

“Ivan Bruel?”

“PRESENT!” Stoneheart barreled through the doorway for the second time that week, and Marinette’s mind went straight to Lucky Charm and the two masks laying in her room.

She had to get out of there before anything happened.

She started inching to the door as Mylene and Chloe shrieked.

“Don’t worry Mylene, this way they can never keep us apart.”

“How dare you! I’m calling Daddy!”

“Don’t worry, little monster, I have a plan for you too.”

Correction; she had to get out of her before anything else happened.

“Girl! Stonehearts back and roaming the streets!” Alya yelled, looking through a very Stoneheart shaped hole in the wall. “I’m so getting more footage for my blog.” And she dashed out the door.

Double correction; she had to get out of there before Chloe or Mylene died or her new friend got hit by a car or something.

……………

The rest

@drama-queen-supreme

ALL MY OTHER POSTS AND A BIG UPDATE.

My ex got residency three years ago and I got contact supervised by my family, or a few named agreed friends.

This was due to ongoing concerns from.my ex and members of his family, concerns they echoed for months, but never shared them with me, or my doctor, just with the nursery my cub was at.

These allegations, I still don't know what they were, but they were serious enough for social services to visit, once and decided that I had made mistakes because I was unwell, and that whatever those were they were completely unintentional (absent minded human errors, nothing serious, but got reported as safeguarding concerns)

Supervision lasted for 18 months, because it was up to him to decide when my time increased and my supervision decreased. That meant my mum had to sleep on my sofa almost every weekend for a year, my mum who has diabetes type 2, fibromyalgia and asthma which he knew about and when she didn’t my sister did. My sister who has two children of her own, both with additional needs, which he also knew about but we weren't allowed there..we weren't allowed to stay out anywhere besides my dads unless he gave permission, said so on the order. Wasn't allowed to take him on a playdate without it either, because there was four people named additionally on our order that were allowed to "supervise" me. It wasn't fun but I didn’t have a choice because his barrister had worded the court order so beautifully for the resident parent. I reapplied to court after 13 months of that order being in place, requesting supervision is gone and we have shared care and that the judge will give me permission to take him abroad and give me access to his passport that I applied and paid for..but they could only send to resident parent unless they had something from them in writing it could he sent to another address. He initially said he was too young, he may panic, he may get lost, someone may knock me over/out and snatch him, he may get sick, it might hurt his ears. He remembered and put in his statements that on our last holiday abroad that my nieces and little cousins got up to dance and no adult followed.I was 30 weeks pregnant.. so our child wasn't even born yet. I offered once he confirmed i could be unsupervised and finally have him over midweek sometimes meaning I could finally take him to school on my own that I would be happy to have him all three late shifts he worked each week but he had it covered almost always because of the fact he moved back to the family home and his mums a childminder so he had childcare sorted when he was working and it wasn’t my time. I originally got him one afternoon a week until 6, three weekends out of four Friday from 3 til sunday at 6 and half of all hols. That one afternoon was up to him because I wasn't working and he worked shifts on a rota so flexibility was key.   But meant it wasn’t often the same afternoon each week to begin with..then it mostly became thursdays which meant football training 6 til 7, so again I offered and asked if he could just stay here after and instead I was to drop him off after training (usually about half 7) After he confirmed I could be unsupervised and have alternate contact on his weekends he also allowed 6 to be extended to 7. Before he confirmed I could have him alternate time, every month for over a year it meant I had no contact with him for up to 9 days at a time Last year due to the way his annual leave went I didn't see him from last week of summer hols until his first morning back at school. That was 12 days of no contact. It took another 13 months to get a first hearing. In that time I chose to do three parenting courses, a first aid refresher, two Surrey adult learning courses and a second round of CBT. In that time I also volunteered as a parent helper at his school and joined the PTA and was heavily involved. I began training (studying/volunteering in another primary school as a teaching assistant) and I qualified last year. I am not back volunteering at either school because no non  paid members of staff can be on the premises. I fought back.I will always fight back I will always fight for what I think is right..and fair..and i will fight to be that boys mum. My mh was no concern to any medical professionals. Never had been but never got to exhibit that to the judge the first time. This time I did,plus added all my course certificates etc. In March I was given 50/50 joint residency, so every week since (bar the last four weeks of summer) I have had him from thursday to sunday. Some weeks I will have him weds to saturday. It’s his dad’s weekend off, normally he is working because the weekend he books off is our sons birthday, for the first time since he moved out he has also had his own birthday off work Our son is now 8. Despite all our clashes etc we have spent every birthday with him, just us three, the previous two years we even managed to throw birthday parties together..and we have spent every Christmas morning together too, because it makes the kid happy and both of us don't want to miss out, so we choose to share..he then gets family time still..we're not a family anymore but we're his. He pointed that out to me when he was 5 and it's always stuck in my mind All I want is the kid to be happy so if spending time with my ex makes him happy then crack on. Our son hero worships him and he is a brilliant attentive loving dad. They adore each other. Just like our son loves me loads as well. He's such a great kid Smart. Kind. Funny. Sassy. Very loving. His happiness will always come first..when he's older no doubt his wishes and feelings will change..but for now if the kid wants us both birthday and Christmas morning he's got us both. Here. I have to just deal with the current situation by letting him "win"  But the reason I am doing the Freedom Programme again is because I need to learn how to have boundaries, set them and stick to them. I am very much the fawn response.   I need help with the boundary thing.  As I mentioned above we have always shared our son’s birthday, plus christmas eve and morning, this time he didnt even ask if he could stay at mine He’s just invited himself round. It was the status quo before because the first year I still had to be supervised and that night it could only have been by him. I have 0 issue with him coming here first thing nor coming over christmas morning til half12 if that's what our son wants to keep happening. I would rather we share than either of us miss out but he didn’t even ask me if he was okay to stay, I'm more than happy for our son to see us both on his birthday and to have him here for a while but I don't want him staying here anymore. It sets my anxiety rocketing but I'm never going to let either of them know that or you know it's going to go against me My family don't think he should set foot in here at night time ever saying I can't trust him not to go through my stuff, to start taking pics, to take or hide other stuff, or to try and pull something else to mess with my head.  I'm well aware he doesn't love me. I'm not in love with him any more. I'm not ready to meet anyone or hook up with anyone else yet it’s having a boundary knowing it can backfire I dont want to miss any of his birthday either. But if he had his own place I'd have happily gone over in the morning, hell I'd have even bought bloody bacon sandwiches over ykno I've done fp twice prior to the 50/50 I want it because I need to figure out how to set those boundaries. Grey rock isn’t an option for me. Because my respectful amicable texts are what the solicitor said are like my trump card when I applied to vary. Done three parenting courses. My problem is I will fake it for our son’s sake, there has been nothing I haven't agreed to if it makes him happy. I can have my own life and make my own choices when he is bigger but now that smile is worth all the discomfort and to be honest with you when its just the three of us it's so easy going and it feels real. I see a genuine smile when our son and I are playing.. or a genuine one from me when they are. Like true co-parenting. There isn't a former. I met him when he was 21. I am the only person he ever bought home. The first and only girlfriend. I just feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I will do anything for that boy regardless of other people's opinions, including my own So do I just need to suck it up? Am I wrong? People say to me you meet someone they won't tolerate you spending time with your ex..well I'm sorry but if our son wants to spend some time with his mum and dad then I will do it for him and if the person I meet doesn’t understand that then they don’t understand me, or how much I love my child. I feel awful sometimes for complaining because he has never raised his hand to me.   I feel like I am not worthy. But I totally know emotional and psychological abuse is just as horrendous and that my experience is as valid as everyone else's if you get what I mean.   I actually have a few good friends now and a few weekends ago my son was invited to a friends to play out, their mums were all having a laugh and including me and even shared some Prosecco with me. I still feel like I'm being spied on. And I actually don't think I am any more. I need to stop panicking and just enjoy being a mum without second guessing myself. I have voiced my concerns about the status quo remaining and as per all of my feelings are invalidated by him I am trying to put a boundary in and set it down but he is refusing to acknowledge my opinion. Same thing, different day. Will it ever end? I have fought to be the best mum I can be, the best role model to my cub. I have a more structured schedule to establish a real routine with him and it means I can now make plans, try and have a life. I spent all that time grieving a living loss, all my time and energy were on fighting this, now I have I want to grieve my relationship that ended almost four years ago, by granny. I want to move on with my life, I want to like myself and eventually love myself again, I want to establish an identity again as opposed to a label. I want to move on, to try and be happy in myself, in my life. I want to be me again. I want to heal, I want to stop feeling like a sufferer and realise I am a survivor. I want to be confident, I want to go out, trust people again, I want to stop feeling like I am under a microscope and I always will be. I have made some wonderful new friends, reconnected with old ones. I want to stop being controlled. I am not a remote. I am a person. I am a mother and a bloody brilliant one. I am a great auntie, friend, daughter, granddaughter and sister and I just want to be acknowledged as a good person.  I don't want him in trouble I want to give a clean slate and draw a line in the sand. I don't want any of the bad anymore. I just want to focus purely on the good now. Why am I still not allowed to do that? Why is it not okay for me to just be me?