I just want y’all to know that one time during lockdown I played a lot of Minecraft because I had nothing better to do and then later I was going to go into my room after a shower so I could go back to being a hermit but it was dark so I just thought “oop, can’t go in there, there’ll be skeletons spawning there and they’ll shoot at me”
And for LIKE FIVE WHOLE SECONDS I didn’t question it and I just turned on the lights and walked out into the living room to wait it out, just thankful I had my pajamas on already so I didn’t have to fight off the shooty skeletons in my dark closet where there might be some creepers too
And then all of a sudden I was like “Wait what the frig skeletons aren’t real” and then just went back into my room
And I think about that a lot. So if ANY OF YOU dare to think that I have any more than three and a half braincells on a really good day, just please remember this and know that you are sorely mistaken
They took in some people from a clothing store next door too. The employees could have gone home but couldn’t bring themselves to kick the customers out into the snow because some of them had an impossible three hours drive home and would have gotten stuck on the road in their cars so the employees and their boss opted to stay.
The woman who reported on the incident trekked alone through piles of snow on foot. She couldn’t bring a cameraman so everything was filmed with a small handheld camera.
They ate food from the cafeteria (meatballs of course), watched a Christmas show and football before getting to pick any bed they wanted in the store. In the morning they were served cinnamon buns and coffee/tea.
Just a cute little story to brighten your day.
In middle school biology, we did an experiment. We were given yams, which we would sprout in cups of water. We then had to make hypotheses about how the yams would grow, based on descriptions of yam plants in our books, and make notes of our observations as they grew.
Here’s what was supposed to happen: we were supposed to see that the actual growth of the plant did not resemble our hypotheses. We were then supposed to figure out that these were, in fact, sweet potatoes.
What actually happened was that every single student in every single class lied in their notes so that their observations perfectly matched their hypotheses. See, everyone assumed the mismatch meant they had done something wrong in the process of growing the plant or that they had misunderstood the dichotomous key or the plant identification terminology. And, thanks to the wonders of a public school education, everyone assumed the wrong results would get us a failing grade. We were trying to pass. We didn’t want to get bitched out by the teacher. Curiosity, learning, science - that had nothing to do with why we were sitting in that classroom. So we all lied.
The teacher was furious. She tried to fail every student, but the administration stepped in and told her she wasn’t allowed to because a 100% fail rate is recognized as a failure of the teacher, not the class. It wasn’t even her fault, really, though her being a notorious hard-ass didn’t help. It was a failure of the entire educational system.
So whenever I see crap like Elizabeth Holmes’s blood test scam or pharmaceutical trials which are unable to be replicated or industry-funded research that reaches wildly unscientific conclusions, I just remember those fucking sweet potatoes. I remember that curiosity dies when people are just trying to give their superiors the “right” answers, so they can get the grade, get the job, get the paycheck. It’s not about truth when it’s about paying rent. There’s no scientific integrity if you can’t control for human desperation.
There was this kid that used to be my neighbor (let’s call him Ivan) and he was a typical cishet white boy gamer kid, and he was kind of an asshole sometimes. But let me tell you, Ivan was also one of the best lgbtq allies ive ever met? Like he was kind of a dick but he was the kind of person to be in a group of people when someone makes a shitty joke and look that person straight in the eyes and say “that’s transphobic, Kevin. Stop being a dick” without missing a beat.
It was just nice to see. Like I told him I was bisexual and he was like “that’s dope. Tell me if I need to beat anyone up for being a dick to you. Anyway, let’s go set things on fire in Minecraft”
He’d be mean to someone and then someone else would call the kid they were bullying a homo and he’d stop what he was doing and be like “there’s nothing wrong with being gay, don’t be homophobic, Billy” and then go back to trashing this poor kid. It was so fucking surreal. I miss him. I’m kinda sad we fell out of touch. Stay strong, Ivan. You… woke middle school bully?
Did you all have a moment as a kid where you realize you forget things? Like, the concept of memory and impermanence fully sank in and rattled your tiny neon socks.
Anyway, I have a vivid memory of a fence post from when I was tiny because I was lying in the grass and had the sudden thought, “I’m never going to remember this moment. People forget things. I am going to forget this fence post.”
Now I have never forgotten how that fence post looks due to the fact it was the moment I realized things can be forgotten.
When I was about 9-10 years old, I had learned the word ￼￼￼’horny’ from somewhere (probably that song literally called Horny which was on the radio a lot in the 90s) but had no idea what it meant, and I also didn’t really have a great understanding of sex, so I’m not sure I would have properly understood what it meant even if someone had told me. But at some point my child brain had decided that horny meant ‘cool’ - but specifically the kind of ‘cool’ associated with the 90s, ie wearing baseball caps back to front, sunglasses, riding skateboards and doing thumbs up poses, or all of those things at once.
I don’t know why. Its very possible that at some point I asked someone what horny meant, specifically because of that song, and they had told me it meant ‘cool’ to deflect an awkward question. Or maybe I saw someone say a character was horny, and they had sunglasses on. I don’t know. All I knew was that the word was apparently kind of funny and maybe you weren’t allowed to say it, but I thought that was because the characters that were ‘horny’ were TOO cool, the kind of cool that parents disapproved of, like Bart Simpson.
Anyway! Because of all this when I was 8-9 I used to frequently draw pictures of random characters with sunglasses or riding skateboards or doing other Cool 90s things with speech bubbles saying “I’m horny!’ At some point I decided that the idea of a nun wearing sunglasses was the FUNNIEST thing ever, and so that’s why this picture I just discovered again exists, and I’m going to share it with all of you so you can understand why it needed three paragraphs of context.
My coworker: im not gonna get the vaccine. How’d they make it so quickly?? Not a good sign
Me: it’s because we’ve known about coronaviruses for a while
My coworker: you literally said earlier that we couldnt have caught corona when we were kids because it didnt exist yet
Me: i said we couldnt have caught it when we were kids because it hadnt made the jump to humans yet, for one, and for two, there’s more than one coronavirus.
My coworker: what
Me: there’s more than one coronavirus. SARS and MERS have been studied for years, and vaccines for them have been studied for years. The COVID vaccine wasnt built from the ground up, we just already had a lot of the starting work done already.
Me: Like. Is anybody surprised when Toyota comes out with new cars every year? No. They don’t cry witchcraft and say shit like “oh they made that car too fast, it must not be safe,” because they didnt reinvent the car, they just added some new bells and whistles. Same with the vaccine. They didn’t reinvent the wheel here, they just looked at an existing wheel and altered it to make it work better.
My coworker: oh. *turns to other coworker* i cant believe you were afraid of the vaccine!! You just gotta do your research, man
Me: YOU DIDNT DO YOUR RESEARCH EITHER
new poem called "OTZI AWAKE". it's right here so you don't have to subscribe to my substack but i'd love it if you did
my least favorite thing is when an art reposter claims they are reposting your art to do you a favor. cus who are they helping exactly? not me lmao
last time someone reposted my art, it was on facebook, a platform i’m not on for a reason. it was one of my LGBT+ drawings, something i felt very vulnerable about. it was for a charity zine too, so i didn't make any money from it. plus i’m not out irl, so reposting it out of its original context is so uncomfortable. its already kinda scary for me to share this kind of stuff online.
my friends kindly asked the reposter to take down the art, or at least ask me for permission, but the reposter of course refused. saying they were doing me a favor cus “they’re promoting black art”, giving me more exposure, it got thousands of likes now, etc etc. oh okay!
so naturally my friends got blocked. i chimed in, saying i would really prefer it if they took it down, and that they weren’t doing me any favors (my family is on fb and i don't wanna be outed). they didn’t like that i didn’t appreciate their efforts and value their free promotion (actual words they used), and wanted to make sure i knew. so they harassed me for a week straight, removed any mention of me or credit off the art they reposted but kept the art up, sent me anon hate, edited my art to bypass my DMCA claims, and kept editing new art i shared out of spite. but i was the ungrateful bully...
like what, is this middle school? its so obviously them
but yeah, thank you! i should have been grateful. you have now defiled my art, harassed me, my followers and friends... but i should just believe art reposters want to “support me”.
this is the kinda stuff that makes artists not wanna share their work anymore. it def made me rethink my relationship wrt sharing my art online. if i wanted my art to be on fb, i'd post it on fb. it's my art, i’m the one that worked for hours on these pieces you can "consume" within seconds - but i'm a real person, not a content farm. it's not your art to post. so all i ask for is please no reposts or edits.
just respect the artists’ wishes, gah damn.
Fun story about me that nobody asked.
Once when i was in high school. I got super pissed off at the British after reading some history lesson and then i wrote a long Lett (3-4 pages) to the Queen asking (more like demanding) her to return the Kohinoor,Peacock throne and Tipu Sultan 's ring to India.
I chickened out from sending it because that night i had a dream that night.
So in the dream i wrote the letter anonymously. Later Britain waged a war on India. And everyone were trying to find out who sent that letter to the Queen.
Somehow the Indian government found out it is me and they sent me to some secret hiding place with super high security.
In that place i had one tv and food and water for a few months.
My only company was a dog that somehow sneaked inside and the security guards.
The war was really high level war. I mean some African countries , and some other colonised counties and even Russia, China, were on India's side and US didn't want anything to do with the war so they went into isolation and away from any communication with any other country.
I woke up before the dream ended. But i wish i could've known how it ended.
That dream scared me that my letter would do so much destruction so i didn't send that letter( oF cOUrsE! )
And that's how I still might have that letter somewhere hidden in my cupboard
[out of context] Things I said today as a high school teacher:
"Why is there a naked anime girl on my desk?"
"Please get down from there, if you die in my classroom I'll probably have to do a lot of paperwork."
"I'm sorry to hear about your small penis, but that doesn't affect your ability to finish your essay, right?"
"You can only have a granola bar if you promise not to skip sixth period. Do you promise? Pinky promise?"
"I'm very happy with your grade too, but shouting that you're better than everyone else is not very kind so you need to stop. Yes, even if it's true."
"Why is there another naked anime girl on my desk? Where are these stickers coming from? No, I don't feel lucky because I got them for free. Who's selling them?"
"You're not even a freshman, what are you doing in my class? No, you cannot 'reclaim your youth' today, go to your class."
"No, even if you show me pictures of your dog I will not give you a second granola bar."
"Yes, I can pick up your Grubhub order at the front office but only if you tell no one else and it remains a secret until your death. Do you solemnly swear? Excellent."
"Yes, I will microwave your lunch in the teacher's work room but only if you tell no one else and it remains a secret until your death. Do you solemnly swear? Excellent."
"Yes, I did know some pirates were gay. But would you like to tell me more about it? Wonderful. We've got 10 minutes until lunch ends, tell me everything you know."
"No, you cannot spend sixth period doing English Class Round 2. You shouldn't deny your other teachers the joy of your company."
"You can gently caress each other's faces when you're done with your worksheets but for now you need to stop."
"You can keep slapping each other when you're done with your worksheets but for now you need to stop."
"You can go back to comparing your anime girl stickers when you're done with your worksheets but for now you need to stop."
[to two nonbinary students] "Gentlethem, please put your phones in the sin bin. Yes, I am very witty. Yes, you may steal 'gentlethem.' Yes, you still have to put up your phones."
"Does [Other Teacher] know you're in here? No, I won't write you a pass. No, you can't have a granola bar to bribe [Other Teacher]. Go to class."
"Yes, thank you. I know my eyes are very unique and beautiful but you still have to put your phone in the Sin Bin until you're done with your work. Compliments won't help you, here."
when growing up me and my dad and my brother played a game at Home Depot called “Don’t let me see you while I shop.” The rules were that I had to follow my dad around the huge Home Depot but be out of sight the whole time. This game was extremely fun for me for some reason (we also called it the “Super Spy game”) and extremely useful for my dad.
Anyway, later on I realized I could just wonder off and not necessarily follow him around and still win. This is the story of how I used to go directly into the Home Depot lights section and just immediately dissociate like I entered a fairy wonder land for hours on end.
childhood truly is a special time.
That Time I FORCIBLY Made Myself the Main Character
when i was 11, i was in a theater troupe. one time, we had a contest to write a script for “the three little pigs”. i was super pumped and spent all night writing my perfect little screenplay.
the next day, i turned it in, and by the end of the day, it was announced that my screenplay won! i was so happy and i was told it was going to be performed by my troupe!
the following days, we had auditions. i knew exactly what character i wanted, and i knew it was perfect for me. i did the best audition i could, and by the end of the day, we got the cast list.
i was not the main character i wanted to be. in fact, i was a character that appeared one time and had one line. my friends were outraged for me and demanded i get to have a bigger role, but director said no.
in my held-back tears, an idea popped into my head. this was MY play, therefore, i could rewrite it. my director initially said no, but i assured him i was only gonna tweak it a bit. and tweak it i did. i kept all the main characters the same, but i added some new characters: little side characters that had few lines, but were hilarious.
the problem was, everyone else would be on stage when these characters came in! everyone… except me. i was the only one who wouldn’t already be on stage, and everyone agreed these new characters added a lot of humor to the scenes.
instead of being cast as a 1 line, 1 scene character, i became a different character in every single scene. i didn’t take away from the story, but i made sure i was there. i ultimately had the most stage time, most lines, all while still letting my friends in the main roles be the stars.
Because when life makes you feel like an extra side character, you grab it by the balls and say “We’re going in for rewrites, motherfucker”.