#coming up soon on a year since my top surgery <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

diminshee · 9 months

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" Let us give you the support you deserve. " : Zoro x Transmasc!Reader x Sanji, fluff to smut : threesome, degrading (Zoro), praising (Sanji), fighting over reader

Note — this is my longest one as it counted up to 6,013 words... I hope you lovelies enjoy this one, it's my first time to write a Trans!Reader and please know that i'm not trans so i have tried to put myself in a different POV than mine... i hope it's alright. <3

Sailing through the seas on a small boat was lonesome. It had been a few days and you're hoping to get back to your crew again.

It had been a month and a half after you left the crew for a mission. Of course, they all begged you to stay and even offered you to come with because nakama stays together and fights through everything as a family.

They were stubborn yet supportive—especially your two close friends, Roronoa Zoro and Sanji. You missed them alot and you're hoping to see them again later today.

Some may be wondering where you were on your mission. It wasn't anything dangerous like fighting the marines or whatnot, no, it was something personal about you that changed your identity to one were you're most comfortable with.

You went to Trafalgar Law for your top surgery, it was a success. Although, you had to stay with the doctor and his crew for a whole month and a half to help you with your identity. You voice was a bit different and your breasts were removed in a top surgery—you felt happy and content with yourself ever since then. You were so glad Law helped you and his crew.

However, doubts and thoughts still swirl around your mind like a whirlpool. Your crew didn't know and you're coming back as yourself now. With a shaky sigh, you try to replace your thoughts with postive scenarios.

You know Luffy and the crew well enough to know that they won't judge you, that's the last thing they'd do. They'll welcome you with open arms. You're their nakama. They'll always be there for you and protect you.

You were still a bit skeptical, thinking that Zoro and Sanji will react differently to your new appearance. You've been inseparable ever since you all got together as a crew two years ago. That and even after that on the present as we speak.

Another sigh left your lips. You hope for the best outcome. The sound of the waves took your attention, you look over as your eyes softened.

You thought about the times Sanji would comfort you by pampering you with his undivided attention and cooking you your favorite dishes. He knew what you like, what you dislike and all of that down to your usual cravings. It was as if he had listed down your food pattern and cravings. It was cute and thoughtful of him.

Your train of thoughts soon skimmed over to memories of the swordsman who you hold dear. Zoro was always the one to tease you whenever you two were together without Sanji around. Although he loves to do it with the curlybrow present just to make him jealous. It was a bit funny. Zoro was the one who would keep a close eye on you even during battles. Even with the scar over his eye which permanently closed his left eye, you'd feel both set of his eyes on you. Perhaps it was just a feeling but it was thoughtful of the swordsman to always be at your aid. He'd protect you from any kind of danger, both major to minor and simple situations such as stumbling and tripping over something.

You loved those moments from the cook and swordsman who would always bicker and banter towards eachother whenever they were in eachother's presence.

You're just scared to think of the possibility of losing them and your friendship with the two.

The fear and anxiety still lingers in your heart, however, you began to think of the torture you had dealt with being in a body you weren't comfortable with. It was exhausting but alas, you made it. You're in a body that you're starting to feel comfortable in being your true self.

All those internal battles with your mind was all worth it, you won over them and now you're a version of yourself that you're truly proud and comfortable of. You were happy.

You're free.

Pride and happiness took over in your emotions, it distracted you from your thoughts and insecurities. Although you couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt and slight regret in you.

Were you too selfish? You hid your true self from everyone ever since.

Stuck in a slight trance of doubts and thoughts, you haven't realized that the Thousand Sunny Go was in the distance.

It was until when the waved gently rocked your boat which brought you back to reality. It was successful to stop another battle with your mind considering that your emotions were tangled at the moment. You cranked your head up in the distance, eyes widening. You didn't know how to feel—you were happy yet so nervous.

The time was near.

Sooner or later, you'll be face to face with your crew. With the limited time you have left to yourself, you try to mentally prepare yourself. You're gonna show you to the people who you deeply trust and love.

The boat sailed closer and closer, you were now in a decent distance. You decided to try and sneak up to the ship to perhaps surprise them, however—

"Y/N's here!!" Your captain's voice exclaims ever so loudly. Your eyes widen as you didn't have time to react with Luffy's rubbery arms stretching over the sea and towards your direction. You heard loud voices of surprise and protest as Luffy's arms wrap around your figure and pulling you back to him.

A yelp left your throat as you were roughly pulled against Luffy's chest, the impact successfully causing the both of you to fall back with you ontop of him. A hearty laugh was heard from Luffy as he clinged to you tightly, all while cheering for your return to the crew. The Strawhats all gather around with expressions of excitement, shock, surprise. But they were all cheerful at your return.

Especially Zoro and Sanji. Zoro held a loop-sided grin, crossing his arms over his chest as Sanji happily swooned at your presence. "Y/n-swan! My love!" Spoke Sanji, eyes turning to hearts.

At their voices and reactions, a smile formed on your face. You were so happy to see them again. You missed them so, so much.

"Eh? Y/n? Is it just me or you look different?" Usopp's question nearly broke your cheery mood. Anxiety took over, you began to sweat a little.

Your palms felt a bit sweaty, your throat dried up as everyone's eyes were on you. They were waiting for your response.

It took you a few minutes but you finally mustered up some words to respond. A shaky smile went up to your lips. You were feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

Zoro and Sanji noticed that. They simultaneously gazed at eachother, nodding. It was a silent message.

"I'm... I am a bit different from before." You spoke in a small voice. Despite that anxiety and fear filled your heart, you had to tell them. Even if your mind was choking you with the possibilities of the crew abandoning you. Your lips felt like it was sealed shut but it was now or never.

"Everyone," You began, swallowing down all your fears. You felt their gaze on you, patiently waiting for your next words. You shifted away from Luffy's grasp and stood to your full height, facing the Strawhats.

"I'm not the same person you know before... I may have a different body but i'm a man at heart—i was never a woman." You finally revealed the truth. A few pairs of eyes widened at that (mainly Nami, Usopp, Sanji and Chopper).

"My name is Y/N, i'm a man who has a dream and i will do everything in my will power to achieve that dream!" You exclaimed, heart thumping loudly in your body, making your chest hurt. Some tears swelled up your eyes as you continued.

"I understand that if you don't accept me or think that i'm a freak. I'll leave the crew if you all want me to, i'm finally myself a-and i'm happy!" You bit your lower lip, seeing that you stunned the Strawhats. You turned your head away from their gaze, a tear escaping.

Parting your lips, you were about to speak once more but that was until Luffy's stern voice cut you off. "You're not leaving!" Your captain stated, crossing his arms firmly against his chest. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared at you, his lower lips poking out in a small pout.

Your eyes widened, you snapped your head towards Luffy. "B-But-" You stammered.

You were shocked, stunned and slightly in denial upon hearing Luffy's stern words. He continued to speak in the same tone, some of the Strawhats snickering and chuckling to themselves.

"You're my nakama! No one leaves eachother, we'll stay together until i become the King of the Pirates!" Luffy declared proudly yet sternly, stunning you more. Zoro chuckled and snickered, sending you a smirk.

"Once you're in, you never get out, Y/n." He spoke, a slight tinge of teasing in his tone. Sanji only ever sighed, chuckling softly as he lit up another stick of cigarette, putting it in between his lips before shoving his hands back to his pockets.

"Some of us learned it in the hard way, Y/n-swan." Sanji added to Zoro's words, making Zoro snicker more and elbow Sanji in the stomach which he earned a slight playful glare from the cook.

You were still stunned, your mind barely processing this after all the negativity you've thought. Luffy then placed his Strawhat ontop your head, keeping it there firmly.

"You're staying with us, Y/n! I can't become the pirate king without you!"

You felt a pang in your heart. Your heart swells up with so many emotions, tears now streaming down your cheeks as you gawked at them while they only laughed, some Strawhats cheering at Luffy's words. "Whoever or whatever you are, you're my nakama and you'll always be!"

Jinbei soon laughed cheerfully at the scene, it warmed his heart dearly. "We're happy for you, y/n!"

"AOOWWW, This is such a SUUUUPPEERRR heartwarming moment!" Franky exclaimed, laughing along joyfully as Brook nodded along.

"Brings tears to my eyes! Even if i don't have any eyes, Yohohoho!" He cracked up one of his skull jokes. The ship was filled with laughter and happiness.

They accepted you, they love you.

This caused you to finally break down, you sniffled as tears stream down your eyes. You bit your lip harshly, drawing blood as Luffy declared a feast and a celebration for you.

"Let's have a feast for Y/n!"

"Already on it, captain! Anything for my special y/n-swan's celebration!" Sanji grins cheekily, already rushing off to the kitchen.

You choked out another small sob, still not believing this. Your fears weren't true—it was all lies. A large grin soon reached up to your features, seeing the support from everyone you're receiving. Luffy's strawhat was still placed on your head as the rest of the Strawhats cheered.

They were so happy, They were proud of you.

As everyone talked about the feast after congratulating you, they slowly gathered up in the kitchen. Leaving you with the swordsman. He stayed behind with you for a reason.

Zoro's rough and calloused hand placed itself on your shoulder, giving you a grin. "Y/n.. I missed you, y'know? I could never say this shit with anyone else around." He chuckled, his eye softening as he gave your tearstained cheek a soft caress. It was a simple act but it was intimate.

"I'm proud of you, i'm happy you're comfortable in your own skin." He added, retracting his hand away from you even if he secretly didn't want to.

You smiled a heartfelt smile, looking at Zoro with a soft gaze. "Thank you, Zoro. I'm so glad i didn't lose you." Your words hit Zoro's heart, it gave him a slight flashback of his past. Of Kuina.

He was silent for a few seconds. Slowly, he pulled you in his strong hold, his arms wrapping around you tightly yet gently in a way of not hurting you. "I'm so glad i didn't lose you." You'd hear him whisper.

You gladly return his hug. Zoro smelled like steel and booze but oddly enough, his scent comforted you, knowing that he's there and he always will be. After a few minutes, Zoro pulls away with a small chuckle.

"Enough with the sappy shit, wanna get booze with me?" He offered, hoping to see the words he wanted to hear from you. You laughed softly and nodded at his request. You're used to Zoro and his antics.

"Of course," You agreed which made Zoro's smile widen.

Zoro pulled you to the kitchen of the ship where the other Strawhats were. They were all celebrating and cheering happily.

The day was filled with happiness and laughter. It was your day. This will be a memory you certainly won't forget. You love the crew, and they love you as much as you love them.

But it was a different case for Zoro and Sanji.

As the eventful day continued, the dawn of night was soon born. Everything was calm on the ship, it now currently night and the Strawhats grew tired from such an eventful day. You were happy, you were in content.

Some of the Strawhats already went to sleep as you prepare for your own. The boys already moved in your stuff in the Boys' cabin which made you feel more accepted by their thoughtful gesture. You stepped in the cabin, seeing the rest already asleep. A small smile crept your lips as you snuggled yourself in your own bunk bed.

Even if it was night, you couldn't sleep. Perhaps it was because of Luffy's loud snoring filling the room but it was different. You slowly let go, letting some thoughts flood your mind which drowned out the sound of Luffy's snores.

There it was again, the feeling of slight guilt and regret filling your heart. You're accepted by the crew and you genuinely feel happy, so why were these thoughts coming back?

You blankly stared up at the ceiling, a small frown dawning your lips as you took in the negativity once more. You shook your head, cussing at yourself under your breath for ruining your own mood with your carelessness. It wasn't long until you shifted up, hopping off your bed and exiting the room.

Your exit didn't go unnoticed, however.

Zoro woke up before and was resting in his bed before you came in earlier on. He stayed silent when you entered the room and exited a few minutes later. He felt your mood sour and so, he sat up and planned on following you.

"Fuck-" Zoro suddenly cussed, accidentally bumping his head on the bottom of the wooden bunk bed that he was under.

"What the hell...?" Sanji was on the bed bunk ontop of Zoro, the small bump successfully waking up the cook. Sanji looked down on Zoro, scowling. "Marimo, let me get some damn rest, will ya?"

At that, Zoro scoffed and rolled his eye. He didn't care for Sanji, however, his main priority is you. "Yea yea, quit nagging like a old hag, curly." Zoro spat back, hopping off his own bed as Sanji irked an eyebrow at the swordsman.

"where are you going?"

Zoro only then glared at Sanji.

"None your damn business."

"Oi... If you two are gonna fight, do it outside. Some of us are trying to sleep." Usopp groggily complained which shut Zoro and Sanji up. They glared at eachother momentarily before scurrying off and exciting the cabin.

While this was happening, You were currently in the kitchen to get yourself a glass of water with those thoughts in your head.

It was haunting you, the thoughts and the feeling of regret and guilt still linger. You unconsciously gulped down on the water, even after that your throat still felt dry. You couldn't help but feel like something was missing in your life. With the thoughts still overwhelming you, it made you curl up in a ball on the kitchen floor.

You tucked your legs to yourself, heart feeling heavy as your mind suffocated you with more thoughts. The feeling of selfishness and guilt still taking a hold of you. It was all so overwhelming that it was making you hard to breath in and out. Your mind began to spin, your eyes slowly went wide.

You were about to have a panic attack.

A whine left your throat, your vision getting blurry. You wanted to call for help but you couldn't move or say anything—you were stuck. It felt like you were gonna pass out. Your head ached, it hurts.

Closing your eyes tightly, you were just about to pass out until you heard two voice call out in surprise and slight panic.

"Y/n!" Zoro and Sanji calls out as they walk in on you in the midst of your breakdown.

Snapping your eyes open, you look at the two with slight dread and desperation. You couldn't speak, it was getting too hard to breath and think of anything else.

Sanji furrowed his eyebrows worriedly, pulling you in a hug. His touch was gentle and soft, it was comforting—it was just what you needed. He leaned down and began to whisper sweet nothings near your ear, his hand caressing your back in a loving and comforting manner to show that they were there for you, always. They won't leave, they'll stay.

"Y/n, listen to me. Focus on what i say, okay?" Sanji spoke, still holding you. It took all of you to listen to his words carefully, nodding. Your attention was now fixated on him. "It's gonna be okay, i'm- we are here for you. Don't focus on anything else but me for now, okay?" He cooed softly, still holding you as Zoro watched the scene with a worried yet concerned expression.

Seeing that you were trying your best and that you had your attention on every word he had to say, he held you tighter. "Good, good boy." Sanji mutters softly, smiling slightly as your breathing slowly steadied its pace with the help of his words.

"S-Sanji-" You finally found your voice. You looked up at Sanji, clinging onto him as if he'll disappear. "Take it easy, my love. Find your pace." Sanji reassures softly, still holding you in a comforting embrace.

Zoro spoke up, scooting closer to your curled up form in Sanji's arms. "Calm down, y/n. It's gonna be okay, we're still here. We ain't leaving no matter what, okay?" He whispered, audible enough for you and Sanji to hear as your gasps filled the kitchen, echoing slightly as it bounced off the walls.

Zoro and Sanji listened to you, words of reassurance and comfort putting you to ease.

"I-I'm sorry, i was being too selfish- I've hid myself from you guys for so long, i didn't tell you- I'm so, so sorry." You confess, afraid that they hate you for not telling them something so important. You felt like you betrayed them.

"You're not selfish, y/n." Sanji stated, him and the swordsman sharing a knowing look as he did so.

"The cook's right. You aren't selfish for finding out who you are and taking your time on coming out with it." Zoro nodded as he voiced out the truth. "If anything, you should be damn proud of it. You're never too selfish, y/n. You're a strong man and i'm glad that you're still here."

Sanji soon smiled, still holding you lovingly as he caressed your hair. "we're proud of you for who you are."

You let out a choked gasp. "B-But i'm not a woman. Don't you think that i'm a freak?" Desperation filled your voice, looking up at the men with tears in your eyes.

"Man or woman, we don't care. We still love you because you're y/n. You're yourself and we're so happy to have you." Sanji smiled. "We appreciate you, darling. I... I still love you."

"Took the words out of my mouth, shit cook." Zoro chuckled a bit with a slight smirk. He then turned to you, taking his turn. "Y/n, you could be anyone and anything you want and we'd still love you. Why? we don't know ourselves but we still want to keep you around, that's for sure." At his choice of words, Sanji kicked him a bit with a scoff.

"What the damn mosshead is trying to say is... No matter what or who you are, we'd still love you no matter what the cost is. Because we love you, y/n. We fell for you."

You slowly took in their words little by little, processing them. After you took your time, you sniffled softly, your breathing now steady and calm but you were still a bit shaken up. "You... You guys really mean it? You love me?"

"My love, we mean it. Every single word of it."

"We love you, y/n. We're always here for you."

Their words brought tears to your eyes, you let a smile break out and display on your features. Sanji then cupped your cheek with his hand, his touch warm and comforting. You unconsciously leaned towards his touch as he caressed your cheek.

It was a subtle action but it showed his undying love and affection for you. You'd hear him whisper, slowly leaning towards you.

"Sweetheart, let us give the support you deserve." He then paused, his hand moving to cup your chin. "May i...?"

It took you a moment to process his words. Without much word, you nodded as Sanji didn't waste his time to press his lips against yours. His kiss was soft and gentle, it was loving. It was a small action that showed his love to you. He held you firmly, his eye slowly fluttering shut as he continued to kiss you.

He had been dreaming about this for so, so long. He still longed more of your touch and attention ever since you came from earkier today after for a whole month and a half. Sanji didn't put up with it well ever since your absence of the crew, he kept getting into banters with Zoro more often ever since. Between him and Zoro, it was always a competition for your love and affection and he was so glad he's taking the first step with you.

Oh, But he was aware that Zoro will follow up. He's making it last while he can.

Sanji gently squeezed your hip, causing you to gasp and part your lips, giving him an advantage and he took it. He slipped his tounge and began to explore the spots his tounge could reach and caress. It wasn't long until his tounge danced with yours, his breath getting shaky and hot as it fans over your face softly as the kiss intensifies.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, cook." A deep voice in a slight growl called out. The swordsman glared at the cook before tugging you to his hard chest and away from Sanji's grasp. "You're not the only one who misses him." Zoro stated before pressing his own lips on yours, his tounge darting in and taking what he could. Sanji was annoyed, he frowned and furrowed his eyebrow.

"Don't be too greedy, shit marimo." He huffed as Zoro only ever continued to make out with you infront of Sanji just like he just did seconds ago.

Your lips quivered as both of the men practically fought over you. You didn't things to turn out in this way but you weren't complaining.

You'd had to admit, you feel a bit flattered being fought over. You were lost in a small trance as Zoro began to slip off the top of his robe, exposing his hard body which is eye candy to you. Zoro soon pulls away with a small string of saliva connecting your lips to his. He licked his lips as he smirked cheekily, having caught of your gaze on his body.

"Looks like i got the pretty boy's eye." His words of tease sent shivers down your spine. His rough hands sliding down to your sides in a up and down motion. It was sensual and it made a few shaky breaths leave your lips.

As you faced Zoro, you were unaware as Sanji leaned over and began to prep kisses on your neck, enlighting a moan from you which made him smirk against your skin.

Blood rushed to your face as you shivered and trembled. Sanji pressed his body against yours from behind, his hips grinding into you with the feeling of his growing erection obvious against your skin. A low moan left Sanji's lips as he continued this action. "Oh, Y/n... you're so tempting like this." He'd whisper with another low moan as the cook grinded against you in a desperate mannerism.

"curlybrow is that desperate?" Zoro teased, grinning mischievously as his hands moved under your shirt. You were turning like putty in their hands. Sanji scoffed softly, nibbling on the skin of your neck before licking the bruise that formed on the spot. "You're just as desperate as i am, shitty swordsman."

"Heh, you're not wrong. Who wouldn't get desperate to see a pretty boy be so shy? Bet he's ready to take both of us." Zoro licked his lips, leaning down to nibble on your ear.

You were now squished in between both men, helpless and now under their mercy. You were slowly turning into a mess and they haven't gotten that far yet.

You were just too irresistible to them.

"Say, curly." Zoro calls out, eyeing Sanji with both of them hands still on you. The cook irked an eyebrow as looked at the swordsman with a slight look of annoyance. "What?"

"What if we call it a truce...? Just this once, for him." Zoro offered, making Sanji think in thought. A sigh left Sanji as he nodded reluctantly. "Mh.. Only for my love. I'd do anything and everything to see him in such ecstasy and pleasure, even if it meant having you around." Sanji spoke, lips latching back to the neck of your skin which made you whimper. You're getting sensitive just from their actions.

"Enough with the competing... *for now*. Let's make him feel so fucking good." Zoro smirked and chuckled, stripping you out of your shirt which showed your transition scars. He admired them, his hands slowly reaching to trace your scars before teasing your nipples as they harden at his touch.

"You're so damn hot." The swordsman would mutter, claiming your lips once more. Without hesitation, you kissed back with small moans and whimpers leaving your lips and into the kiss, making Zoro growl slightly at the pleasurable vibration.

As the two of you made out, Sanji took the advantage to strip the remaining of your clothes, your pants soon pooling down around your feet on the kitchen floor as he undid them.

You felt his breath hitch at the sight of your nude body. It was so tempting, so hot. Sanji soon began to unbutton his dress shirt, his belt unbuckling next after he did so. "Oh, my darling y/n." He began, nibbling on your neck more as you made out with the swordsman. You felt a surge of desperation and desire to be in such a situation, being all nude and needy for both men.

"I can't wait to feel you..." Sanji's words made you tremble. Your kind felt dizzy and light headed. You cut the kiss short, panting heavily as Zoro drank in the sight of you in such a state.

"Look at you," Zoro groaned. "You want us both, don't you? Such a manwhore." Those words made you weak to the knees.

"I-I need it... Please." You pleaded lightly, whimpering softly. This reaction gave Zoro a surge of arousal and desire, he smirked as he took in your desperate, pleading words.

"Need what?" Zoro teased.

"You need to speak up for us, mon amour. What do you need? Use that attractive voice of yours.." Sanji's tone was teasing aswell but his was more softer, more tender and sensual.

"I-Inside.. I need you t-to fuck me, please." You pleaded once more, using your voice as asked.

"Now that's a good boy." Zoro hummed in satisfaction, dropping down his robe and his pants. He gave you a knowing wink, smirking lightly. You were now in between two nearly naked men, their erections hard and pulsing. You gulped a bit, preparing to what was about to come.

"On all fours, now." Zoro commanded. With a submissive nod along with a shiver of pleasure ran down your spine, you went on your hands and knees. Sanji licked his lips, moving to get on his knees infront of you. His hand reached down to part your lips open with his thumb. He let out a soft groan at he saw the way you look up at him.

"Y/n..." He muttered softly, letting his pulsing cock free from his boxers. It throbbed with need for attention as the tip gently poked your lips. Without much word, your tounge slip out, running up to Sanji's length to the very tip. His breath hitches as you licked the slit with some pre-cum already leaking.

"Yes, yes, my love.. Just like that." Sanji moaned softly, praising and encouraging you as you took your time before you took him in your mouth. He threw his head back, his lips parting ever so slightly. His hand went to place itself on your head, gently caressing your hair.

"So warm..." Sanji moaned out as you slowly bobbed your head on his hardened cock, it throbbing inside your mouth. He covered his mouth, looking back down at you with some blood dripping down his chin from his nose. "You're doing so good, y/n-swan..~" He praised softly in a small moan, moving his hips slightly.

"Dartbrow is already having his fun, don't mind if i do." Zoro muses, grinning as he took the position from your behind. He got to his knees, freeing his throbbing length from his boxers.

His hands went to your ass, spreading them to take a better look at your tempting and needy entrance. He grinned, teasing you by rubbing his hard tip to your hole, making you flinch slightly and trembled as you move your hips in an attempt to pull him in.

You couldn't move you head to look at the swordsman, you were busy with Sanji using your mouth. You couldn't see as Zoro spat on your entrance. He teasingly rubbed his length on you, groaning lowly as he watched your ass engulfed his thick length. With his saliva acting as a poor excuse of lube, he pushed in, slowly but surely.

"Fuck, now this is the good stuff." He groaned out, moving his grip to your hips to keep you steady as he sheathes himself inside you. Moans left your throat and onto Sanji's dick, the vibrations sent addictive sensations to Sanji as he moaned and gripped on your hair, tugging on it gently.

Both of the men were now inside you. Sanji thrusted his hips lightly, his breathing shaky and hot. He looked down at you with flushed cheeks, nose still dripping with blood as he engraved the view of you taking in his needy cock into your warm, heavenly mouth. He bit his lips, loving the feeling of your lips wrapped around him as you suck him off, your moans giving him pleasureable vibrations.

Zoro took his sweet time with you, he was mesmerized at the sight of you taking in his cock, he felt your tightness around him stretch to his size. Another groan leaft his throat as he slowly thrusted in and out, finding his slow but rough pace. "Such a good whore for taking me all in." Zoro grinned, giving your ass a squeeze.

Doesn't it feel good to be in between two men who want you? It's even more flattering to now realize that they're fighting over you. You were loved by the cook and the swordsman and it showed.

Tears of pleasure gathered in your eyes as Sanji pushed himself deeper, his tip slowly reaching down to your throat. That and Zoro's rough pace was all too much to bear. Your body couldn't take it well but oh it did.

"Fuck, y/n... you're so good, my love." Sanji praised, a string of praises mixed with moans leaving his lips as he guided your head to his cock, successfully deep throating him. "You're so attractive, keep looking at me like that, please." He choked out, his breath going faster as he took in every single if your sweet expressions as you took him in your mouth all while sending pleasureable vibrations to his pulsing cock.

Zoro growled as his thrusts picked up the speed, his tip hitting your g-spot each time to which made you arch your back.

Fuck, it was all too good.

The sounds of skin slapping, grunts and moans bounced off the kitchen's walls. Both Zoro and Sanji's thrusts getting sloppy and desperate.

"You're mine, y/n." Zoro groaned out possesively, his grip on your hips tightening as he gave your ass a smack, his eye watching intently as your skin rippled against each impact he did on you. Sanji couldn't even glare at the swordsman properly, his hips still thrusting into your warm mouth.

"He's ours." Sanji corrected with a shaky huff, his eye focusing on you and only you. Zoro couldn't even care less at Sanji's words, he was too focused on his own pace.

It wasn't long until the both of them were reaching their peak, seeing how their thrusts were getting so sloppy and desperate. You even felt them twitch inside you.

With Sanji's cock stuffed inside your mouth along with Zoro fucking the hell out of you from behind, it was clear that you were theirs.

"Shit, it's too good." Zoro cussed out, groaning as he threw his head back, his thrusts still steady and rough as it penetrated you.

You were too busy taking all the pleasure in. Saliva slowly leaked out from your lips and it dribbled down yo your chin, adding more arousal for Sanji.

"Y/n! I-I'm-!" Sanji couldn't even finish his words, he gave in a few last, sloppy thrusts as he stuffed your mouth with his warm semen. The liquid forced itself down into your throat as you took it all in.

The swordsman himself wasn't far behind, he gave one last powerful thrust before filling you up to the brim with his seed. A loud groan echoed though the kitchen as it came from the cook and the swordsman's throats. Zoro panted heavily, his voice raspy as he rode out his high.

You yourself didn't even realize that you already reached your peak multiple times, the pleasure was all too much for you but fuck it felt so, so good. Both Zoro and Sanji pulled out of you, causing your body to collapse on the kitchen floor tiles, the cold tiles caressing your skin. You coughed a bit, panting heavily as the both of then admired their work on you.

You were stuffed, filled to the brim with their cum. Some already leaking from your asshole and your lips. Zoro chuckled slightly, his cock still throbbing.

"What a sight." The swordsman muses lightly. "So... Y/n, will you let us have our way with you again? There's more to come." Zoro added with a mischievous smirk. Sanji groaned softly and quietly, wanting more.

"Let us take care of you."

#one piece #one piece smut #one piece x reader #x reader #sanji smut #one piece fluff #vinsmoke sanji #one piece fanfiction #zoro roronoa x reader #roronoa zoro #zoro x reader x sanji

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k-s-morgan · 1 year

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How are you?

Since you sent this ask today and it's the last day of the month, I decided to use it for my monthly post! I hope you don't mind <3

I'm doing more or less okay, though February marked one year anniversary since the start of the senseless war. There were repeated bombings through February; more apartment complexes and residential buildings were hit, more people died - all because of the outdated ambitions of one government and the stupidity, greed, and bloodthirstiness of a half of the nation it rules. Ruzzian soldiers keep invading Ukraine to kill Ukrainian people, bomb Ukrainian territories, burn Ukrainian ecology, including wild life, pets, and birds, destroy Ukrainian crops, buildings, and culture, and condemn millions of people to the loss of their loved ones and the homes they spent a lifetime saving up on. Why? None of them can give even a semi-believable answer. This is a unique phenomenon that psychiatrists should study for decades to come.

Here's a photo of the building situated across of mine. Second day of war, February 25, 2022 - the first results of a new reality Russia decided to bring to its neighbours. The explosions, the terror, the separations; endless queues in the stores; air raid sirens; deadly silence in the huge building that used to be full of voices, laughter, and arguments.

But February 25, 2023 was different. My building was full of chattering again. A neighbor was singing in the shower as he always does; my pigeons were arguing; two annoying children downstairs were yelling and arguing. Life has returned, and this year made all of us stronger.

Last year, I was sure that Russia was about to win. I had no faith in Ukraine, only bitterness because my country was never perfect and it made its share of huge mistakes. But now, things have changed. Russia humiliated itself on a global level. It will forever be remembered as a hotbed of fascism and mindless greed, and there is every chance that Ukraine will win. I have faith now, though I understand that many scenarios are possible. Either way, I'm extremely proud of my country, and I have Russia to thank for turning me into a passionate patriot of Ukraine.

I did a lot of writing this year, and everyone who supported me through comments, Patreon and messages largely contributed to it. I don't have many friends in real life, I'm not a very communicative person and I'm a hopeless introvert, so you all played a huge role in inspiring me and giving me strength. Thank you, I will never forget this.

On a personal front, my three wonderful idiot cats are doing fine; I'm still fighting for the health of 4 of my pigeons, though. One pigeon in particular is in danger now. Here she is: her name is Aristrokratka.

She's always been a wild pigeon - I was feeding her from my window for over a decade; one day, I noticed that someone broke her wing. She struggled to fly: once she reached the top of a streetlight (this was as far as she could go in her state), she stayed there for over 24 hours to regain her strength. I was despondent, so I, my brother and my mother tried to catch her. The entire neighbourhood watched how we chased her under the cars and on the mini-roofs. Finally, I managed to trap and get her.

She's been living with me for over 2 years now. Sadly, she has an egg stuck inside her. It's old, it got entwined with her insides by now, and she needs surgery. It's risky, so we decided to do it only if she starts feeling poorly. Her condition isn't perfect, but she's well enough, so I don't want to possibly steal whatever time she has left.

While I'm sad that she might leave me soon, her story is not sad. She has had a long and fulfilling life, and she has everything I can give her.

Here's the recent video with my two cats: Tom, my clumsy boy, couldn't climb up from the hole he hid himself in, and Laoriy tried to help him. Though I suspect he wanted him out just because he wanted to hide there himself :D

Thank you all again for staying here and supporting me. I hope 2023 will be happier in every respect for my country, as much as it's possible. But we'll see.

#personal #ukraine #kyiv #kiev #russia is a terrorist state

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little-creature-business · 1 month

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TRANS SANJI RAMBLE!!

I am an enjoyer of headcanons and WILL and HAVE headcanoned the straw hats and other characters with different/conflicting headcanons bc you wanna know why?? I can make different universes and versions of them bc DAMN a lot of these headcanons are hella good

Though I will say, as an enjoyer of headcanons, I am in a drought of transmasc Sanji stuff <\3 I DUNNO IF IM LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACES OR NOT qwq

+before anyone says, I adore transfem Sanji w all my heart and I am glad she gets the representation bc WOW a lot of people are clever w the stuff they come up will, I really do love it and a lot of you even think of things I would’ve never thought about !! ^o^ jus a little bummed out there’s not as much transmasc Sanji content bc as soon as I saw him on screen I was like “the radar is going off”

ps if you read this far, transmasc Sanji headcanons (hear me out, most likely ooc) (also zosan)

I have been thinking about them SOOO MUCH tbh.. Sanji doesn’t feel 100% while cooking because of cramps?? You bet Zoro will notice and try and help out best he can in the kitchen despite how many times he would get kicked and/or yelled at..

sparring?? Sanji feel miserable and always thinks Zoro is going easy on him so he accidentally blurts it out one time while they are going at it and Zoro is just like “No lmao??” And might reveal smth about Kuina.. and then Sanji cries about it because even in smth like sparring he’s seen as equal to him

I think during WCI (I have not.. watched it yet teehee) while Sanji sees his brothers + sister again they’re all like “what the fuck happened to you” and Sanji is all high guarded about it but says he’s trans and he’s a guy now and they’re all like “oh ok, anyway-“ and it goes on like normal but they respect him (please pleaseeee)

Sanji while he’s with Zeff,, ofc Zeff is like “well now I got an 8-9 year old daughter to take care of” and Sanji doesn’t mind at first because he doesn’t exactly know what he’s feeling but he knows that being called “daughter” doesn’t feel right. I feel like he would discover later on what being trans meant from a frequent customer and he’s all happy because!! Wow he found out!! What best describes him!! And the next time he talks to Zeff he’s all like “so you know that regular we get through the door?” And then tells Zeff and Zeff is all like “well then, I’m happy either way for you, do you want your hair cut or different clothes?”

Running with ideas,, Sanji would probably be scared of taking testosterone/one piece equivalent because of the needles if they didn’t have a gel form. Which is why awhile after chopper joins he asks the little reindeer about it..

I also have a feeling Sanji would be afraid of surgery?? He wants to get top surgery but the idea is SO scary to him,, so he ops for binding,,

Mainly Zoro but also the crew has to remind him to not bind for too long since he can get caught up in cooking, Zoro will ALWAYS ask him to take whatever he binds with off before they spar/fight not wanting to let the cook hurt himself

this is it this is the post (I’m so mentally I’ll)

#trans sanji #ramble #dare I put the main tags #I do #one piece #vinsmoke sanji #transgender #headcanon

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strawbs-screaming · 7 months

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☆ punch out sexuality headcanons ☆

im running out of funny things to say help me, also tw for mentions of homophobia & transphobia

Glass Joe

- aromantic asexual (sex neutral, romance positive) + trans, he/him

- Just because hes ace doesnt mean he doesnt make inappropriate jokes on a daily basis, if there was a ranking of who made the most sexual jokes he'd be at the top

- when he came out as trans to his parents they were suprisingly supportive even though they didnt understand much, it just went like: "mom, dad, im a boy and if you dont like that too bad" "we dont care as long as you dont murder anyone" And they were generally chill with him

- when he first binded he used bandages & cloth instead of a actual binder (before he came out) and due to that he almost wasnt able to get top surgery

- has faked a lot of crushes to fit in during his childhood, ended up dating 3-5 people he didnt even like

- thought his gender envy was attraction until he just asked himself "do i wanna be them or be with them" And boom, gender confusion

- fell down the "im not like other girls!" to "im not a girl." pipeline

Von Kaiser

- demiromantic, demisexual + bi with a preference for men, he/they

- when he didnt know the demi labels he just saw himself as a picky dater, when he saw the demi labels he was like "Wait thats me" And pretty much ascended on the spot

- thought everyone just liked both men & women until he said it out loud and got met with pure shock

- his first crush was a famous model he saw in a fashion magazine, also slipping down the "do i wanna be them or be with them" pipeline

- his dad wasnt really supportive but became a bit more open minded once he realized that his hatred distanced himself from his son even more

Disco Kid

- nonbinary,gay, he/she

- okay with both feminine & masculine terms

- somebody tried to call him "princess" to insult him when he was little, instead he took it as a compliment and saw them as a friend, still in contact with said person & theyre besties now, the princess thing has become a nickname for him

- when he first came out his parents were like "the closet was wide open" and were not suprised at all, they saw it coming 1000 miles away as soon as he started it out with the "i have to say something important"

- started doing make up & playing around with dresses thanks to a close friend of his (the childhood friend) , when he first put on a dress he was like "i think i realized something"

King Hippo

- #1 label hater + all pronouns

- if he were to use labels, he would count as gender apathetic and pan oriented aroace

- labels are for losers to him

- not out but his parents know that he doesnt give a shit about labels, they first found out when he didnt care about being called "queen" and liked it, they have no problem with it

Piston Hondo

- pan, cis (?) + he/him but likes to refer to himself with feminine pronouns in japanese

- not out to his parents but dropping hints, theyre struggling to pick up on it and hes going mad over it

- going through some major gender questioning™

- playing around with dresses & femininity and enjoying it

Great Tiger

- polysexual (prefs are enbies, men & genderqueer ppl), genderqueer + all pronouns

- closeted it but trying to make it clear hes not straight,its just flying over his parents head like "oh me oh my our son is sure close with his friends!! Such close bros"

- likes dresses not only for spinning skirts but also how comfy they are

Bear Hugger

- gay, bear (ITS IN THE NAME. COME ON THE CLOSET IS GLASS), trans + he/him but ok with they/them

- when he first came out there was a lot of crying, not in the "i wont accept this wahh" way but more in the "i cant believe you trusted me enough to tell me this" way

- didnt know he was trans until he said "yeah i like being called son, yeah i like being called manly, im a girl though" out loud and he was like "wait a minute"

- has had 2-3 boyfriends during his teen years and is still in touch with them since the break ups were done without any harsh feelings & grudges, hes the only person that can see his exes all chatting together and not die of a heart attack on the spot

Don Flamenco

- gay, trans + he/they

- got called gay way before he knew it since he kept calling his male friends handsome often, always passed it off like "cant a man call his friend handsome?"

- the only feminine terms he will accept is queen and aunt, refer to him as anything other than that and he will punch you to orbit

- cut off contact with his parents since they didnt accept him & kicked him out, the only person who took him in was his aunt, she helped him get t & bind safely before he got top surgery

Aran Ryan

- genderfluid, pomosexual + all pronouns

- label hater but still uses them because why not

- came out in the most casual way possible, was just chilling on the couch with his dad and he just said "i kinda like being called miss sometimes" from boredom just to see dad go "huh??"

- sometimes does drag when he feels fem

Soda Popinski

- gay, cis + he/him

- Rocky dating history, most break-ups of his were really sad since it was either forced by family members or over arguments

- exes with bald bull but they still get along & dont care about their past, they just had better platonic connection and decided together

- out but not, making it clear hes a bit fruity but not too much for it to snowball into "the rumour come out: does soda popinski is gay?"

Bald Bull

- Boyflux, gay + he/they

- flamboyantly gay and cannot hide it no matter how much he tries, the closet is not even present, show him someone he has a crush on and you'll hear the gayest squeal in your life before he evaporates into thin air and holds you at gunpoint

- has the Don Flamenco issue going for him, compliments his male friends and calls them handsome wayyy too often, this time its 99% more obvious

- either really bitter with his exes or close friends, no inbetween, if you tell him "yeah your exes asked about you, theyre there" theres a 50% chance its gonna have his soul physically exit him and another 50% chance hes gonna walk right over to them and say hi

- not out publicly since it would cause a shitstorm, only out to a few people he trusts, has issues trusting people to not say his secrets since a close friend of his outed him during his teen years

Super Macho Man

- bi (slight pref for women), cis + he/she

- didnt really come out, he just showed up to his parents door with his (now ex) bf and was like "heyy say hi to my boyfriend" and everyone just kinda accepted it

- thought the attraction to men was envy for a long time until he learned the fact that wanting to be lifted into the arms of a man and making out with said man is not really straight

Mr Sandman

- gendervoid, demiromantic, acespec, pan + all pronouns

- feels like he should be more masculine but cant bring himself to it,he cant force his behavior to act in a way that doesnt fit him

- out and about, hes not repressing himself for anyone

#tw homophobia #Tw transphobia #punch out #headcanon #punch out wii #punch out headcanons #don flamenco #bald bull #glass joe #piston hondo #aran ryan #great tiger #von kaiser #disco kid #king hippo #i had fun doing this #i like researching about identities a lot so this was very enjoyable #“Why is most of the minor circuit ace & arospec-” FIREBALL ATTACK #if u disagree: nuh uh

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ajxrn · 2 months

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mmmmmm (tw for transphobia, surgery/medical stuff, genitalia and body parts, and gender dysphoria mentions)

Feeling dysphoric. So here’s a rant. </3

I’ve been questioning my gender since I was 13. I don’t relate to how I see other trans people state how they were born in the wrong body. More so a “I used to be a girl” feeling. I wasn’t always a boy. I just had awakenings and realized I would be more comfortable in my body if I presented masculine.

When I first questioned, I thought I was genderfluid. It felt alright at first. I fucked around with pronouns and titles, and realized that like hey! I can be whoever I want! Soon those “girl days” and “boy days” I had turned into a different feeling. I started liking more masculine shit, but that made me very afraid of feminine things. I feel dysphoric when I wear “highly feminine” things ig, but I know it’s because I have a weird shame inside me about how I “used to be a girl” and now I’m trying to be one again or something.

Cut to nowadays, I’ve figured some shit out and I’m feeling more comfortable. I’ve got a name that feels right, a few even, and my pronouns are good.

But even after years, I’m still not there yet.

I know I’m young so I shouldn’t worry, but on top of my transphobic family it gets..tiring. Living in a household where you feel like you need to live up to what everyone else sees you as can be so exhausting. I look in the mirror and I can’t even fucking recognize myself anymore sometimes. Sure, that face is mine. But it doesn’t look like how I want it to. But that’s the big problem.

I don’t KNOW what I want to look like.

surgery is scary. T is scary. Thinking of transitioning makes me sick. I genuinely don’t know. I know I don’t want bottom surgery, I’m pretty fine with having afab parts down there. Having a vagina doesn’t make me feel bad. But top surgery and hormones are what scare me. Some days I think I would like to, and other days it freaks me out. I know I have a lot of internalized transphobia (or just general queerphobia) at myself because of my upbringing, and honestly I have had a coming out experience that traumatized me. Bad. Like it’s just the fact that I know my family will never accept nor support me. I’m conflicted. I want to be comfortable in my body. I want to love myself. I want to wake up and see myself in the mirror and be filled with confidence. I want to feel good about my body. But I can’t. I have a big chest and my body shape is very feminine. I have longish hair and my features are pretty feminine and shit. It’s a bit tiring flipping back and forth between liking yourself and not liking yourself at all.

And looking just like my mom doesn’t help. Looking just like someone who has hurt me and would hate me for my identity is painful. I don’t want to look anything like her. My whole life I’ve heard that “you look like your mother” and “you’re basically twins” nonstop. Even before knowing I was trans it was upsetting. It takes away my sense of self, leaving me empty and blank like a white canvas.

A perfect, white canvas. But I took that canvas, and I changed it. I colored that canvas throughout the pain, the joy, the rage, the everything. I let myself take the broken glass and glue it back together. Sure, it’s not perfect, but there is beauty in all art, isn’t there?

And yknow what? At the end of the day, all I need to know might just be that:

I’m me.

#rant #Feel free to read this lol it’s a bit long #Delete later

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mi-rae07 · 1 year

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Kim Hongjoong : Tear Me Apart

Pairing : Kim Hong-Joong (Ateez) and named character (Yoon He-Ran)

___________________

A/n : Okay so basically this has high levels of angst, and one of the characters tries to kill themselves as well, so please be aware of that.

Tons of medical inaccuracy in here (literally written by a surgeon’s daughter, ironic), but once again, the setting was necessary. Let’s just say I got inspired by the drama “The Glory”

Song recc : The Whisper Of Forest by Suran

____________________

He-ran bowed to her colleagues as she walked towards her office, adjusting her doctor's coat properly. She took a sip of her coffee and was about to enter her room when she heard a voice behind her

??? : doctor yoon?

Heran turned around, coming face to face with Kim Hongjoong, the only son of the owner of the hospital she worked in, and her bestfriend since 10.

Heran : aigoo, hongjoong-ah, why do you keep calling me that.

Hongjoong chuckled and said

Hongjoong : because I like it, why else. I saw you try your hardest to become a doctor and now you are, I'd prefer to call you this sometimes.

Heran smiled and asked

Heran : no surgeries for you today?

Hongjoong : I do have one, within 15 minutes. You?

Heran : none, I'm just going to visit my mother soon.

Her mother had been admitted to the hospital 3 years ago, due to a car accident that had killed her father and put her mother into a coma. She still hadn't woken up.

Hongjoong : alright then, I'll talk to you later, hmm?

Heran nodded as hongjoong gave her a small hug before walking away, making heran smile as she entered her office and shut the door behind her.

___________________________

Heran smiled at the patient as he got up and left after a consultation with Heran. She sighed and leaned against her chair, her eyes falling to the picture of hongjoong and her that was kept in a frame on top of her desk. It was her favorite picture of the both of them, and it had been the only thing keeping her sane all this while. She had always wondered whether hongjoong only saw her as a bestfriend, because she had seen him as something more than that ever since she was 13. but she had never told that to hongjoong, because one day he would learn who she really is and he'd hate her. She wouldn't be able to handle that if she had told him she loved him as well, and hence she just lived with her feelings.

Heran looked up as the door opened, revealing hongjoong with two banana milk containers in his hand. Heran chuckled as hongjoong smiled and said, skipping towards her desk

Hongjoong : doctor yoon, your bestfriend has bought you your favourite banana milk.

Heran took the bottle from hongjoong and took a sip before saying

Heran : doesn't my bestfriend have a surgery?

Hongjoong let out a breath and plopped down on the chair before saying

Hongjoong : I'm on a break, the other doctors are doing some work right now. It'd take 10 more minutes so I can rest for a while.

Heran : hmm.

Hongjoong looked at the photo frame on heran's desk, a small smile playing on his lips as he asked

Hongjoong : seriously? You still haven't taken this off?

Heran : why would I? It means quite a lot to me.

Hongjoong : it was just another day at the amusement park, heran-ah.

Heran smiled and nodded as she said

Heran : for you, that was it. But for me? It was the only day I was truly ever happy.

_______________________

Hongjoong bowed at the doctors and nurses as the surgery finished, them bowing back as well with a smile. Hongjoong motioned to one of the doctors, his friend, to follow him outside as he walked towards the washing area. Hongjoong removed the gloves and opened the tap, washing his hand as he said to Hwan

Hongjoong : Hwan-ah, that patient there, make sure he's monitored 24/7, properly.

Hwan : you don't think the surgery was successful, hongjoong-shi?

Hongjoong shook his head, applying soap into his hands. Hwan sighed and said

Hwan : you're always like this, the statistics-

Hongjoong : the statistics can be wrong, Hwan. This is a person's life we're dealing with, it's important.

Hwan nodded as hongjoong sighed and rubbed his palms together, trying to remove all the blood that had gotten on him. Hwan leaned against the wall with a folded arms and asked sheepishly

Hwan : so, doctor yoon and you?

Hongjoong rolled his eyes and said

Hongjoong : you still haven't let it go, have you?

Hwan : come on, the only son of a Chaebol family and a neurosurgeon working in their owned hospital? It's a total k-drama.

Hongjoong chuckled and wiped his hands before saying

Hongjoong : except she doesn't love me.

Hwan : you haven't asked.

Hongjoong : yeah no, I already know the answer. Take care of yourself, hwan-ah.

Hongjoong tapped his friend's shoulder and walked away, wishing to find heran. Hwan sighed and whispered under his breath

Hwan : aish, how stupid is that man.

__________________

Heran walked towards her mother's room as the sound of her heels clicking resonated around the empty hallway, her hands tucked in the pockets of her coat. She had rented this entire hospital floor for her mother, paying the bills on a monthly basis. It was expensive, but then again, she was a neurosurgeon.

Heran's face was blank as she opened the door to her mother's room and stepped inside, the sound of machines beeping reaching her ears. Heran walked towards her mother and smiled, asking in the most pitiful voice as she could, knowing her mother could hear her

Heran : have you been well, eomma? It must hurt a lot, right?

Heran chuckled, leaning closer to her mom as she whispered against her ears

Heran : I'm going to make it hurt a thousand times worse for you.

Heran giggled and walked towards the screen next to her mom's bed, checking the stats with glowing eyes

Kidneys : 20%

Heart : 90%

Lungs : 40%

Stomach : 35%

Brain : 85%

Liver : 50%

All of these vital organs except the brain and heart, had been above 90%. But that was three years ago, not anymore. Not when heran had been slowly injecting fluids into her mother's body on a monthly basis, slowly and painfully killing her. She was a surgeon, after all, and she had access to all sorts of medicines and she was rich enough to afford all of them, even pay for her mother's bills while also being the reason of her slow death.

She had wanted to make it painful for her mother, hence why she hadn't touched the brain and heart. The doctors hadn't realized someone was slowly poisoning her either, the degradation was that slow and careful. After all, heran had dedicated her whole life into this.

Heran smiled and walked up to her mother, taking out a syringe with the fluid already in it and brought it to the IV, injecting the fluid into it. Heran looked back at the screen, seeing the lung capacity slowly lower. Heran chuckled and turned to face her mother once again, running her hand along her mother's gray hair as she whispered

Heran : suffer like I did, eomma. I'll visit you soon, love you.

Heran threw the syringe away and turned to face the door, coming to a pause as she realized that someone had seen everything that she done.

Heran : h-hongjoong.

Hongjoong was staring at her mother, his eyes teary and red as his hands trembled. Heran felt fear grip her body for the first time since years, she wasn't ready to face this. Hongjoong was the only person she had. Heran shook her head, stepping closer as she whispered

Heran : joong.

Hongjoong looked at heran with eyes that tore her hear apart, a shaky breath falling from his lips as he whispered shakily

Hongjoong : tell me I'm…te-tell me I'm seeing things.

Heran pressed her lips together as she said

Heran : please just…just listen to me. Hongjoong, I swear-

Hongjoong : no, stop.

Heran was about to hold hongjoong's hand when he shook his head and ran away, betrayal and pain gripping his body. Heran cursed under her breath and ran after hongjoong, following him until he stopped in the hospital garden, panting breathlessly. He felt like his body was going to collapse, and he was sure it would if he ran any further.

Heran stopped right in front of hongjoong, desperation lacing her tone as she said breathlessly

Heran : hongjoong! Hongjoong, please, just let me…let me explain-

Hongjoong : explain why you were trying to kill your own mother?

Heran paused, her breathing heavy. Hongjoong's teary eyes stared right at hers as he asked

Hongjoong : is this…is this why she's been in a coma for 3 whole years? Because her own daughter was slowly poisoning her?

Heran : hongjoong.

Hongjoong : TELL ME!

Heran let out a breath, knowing there was no way out of this. Hongjoong deserved to know the truth, and although he was going to hate her for it, she couldn't avoid it any longer.

Heran : I became a doctor, in order for this to happen. I worked all those years in a foreign country, studying until I couldn't see straight anymore, in order to work in the same hospital my mother would get admitted into, and slowly kill her as she felt every single ounce of the pain she had once inflicted on me.

Hongjoong stared at heran with wide eyes, tears streaming down his face at her words. Heran smiled blankly and whispered

Heran : and yes, I caused that car accident too. I hired someone to do it, and now that someone is gone from this country so there's nothing you can do to her. And I have no links with the accident whatsoever.

Hongjoong : you're…you're a murderer.

Heran : no, I am a victim. A victim of parental abuse, rape and abandonment.

Hongjoong flinched, a small gasp leaving his lips as realization dawned upon him. The reason she always covered her body, the reason she never let anyone inside her house or even see it…

Heran : do you know why I always wear long clothes that cover my entire body?

Heran harshly pulled up her shirt cuffs, causing it to tear as her skin became visible to hongjoong. A sob tore off his chest as he stared at the burn marks in her skin, the sign of someone crushing a cigarette against her skin and the signs of someone having whipped her in the same spot multiples times.

Heran : these marks, they were left there by the same people who gave birth to me. The same people who were supposed to love me, the same people who were supposed to protect me!

Hongjoong : h-heran.

Heran : that's why I'm killing her, that's why she's been in pain for the past 3 years, not being able to live, not being able to die. It's for those 17 years of pain she inflicted on me, FOR BEING THE REASON I NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD!

Hongjoong sobbed, covering his face with his hands as heran chuckled and said

Heran : aren't you going to report me to the police? Do it. Stop crying and do it, right now.

He wouldn't dare, even if he wanted to, he couldn't. all hongjoong wanted to do now was fall at her feet and cry his heart out for everything that he had never been able to protect her from. He was her childhood friend and he never, not once, ever thought of this.

Hongjoong walked up to heran, wrapping his arms around her as he cried into her shoulders

Hongjoong : I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm so sorry heran-ah.

Heran : why are you sorry?

Hongjoong : I'M SORRY FOR NEVER KNOWING. FOR…for…for not being there for you when I should have. And I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this alone, I'm so sorry.

Heran pressed her lips together, trying not to cry as she whispered

Heran : let go of me, hongjoong.

She hated pity, she despised it. And she didn't deserve to be with him anymore. Hongjoong shook his head, still crying as he whispered through his sobs

Hongjoong : no.

Heran : hongjoong-

Hongjoong : no no no NO, please. Please let me help, please.

Heran : there's nothing to help anymore, hongjoong, it's all already done and gone.

Hongjoong : no it's not, you can still live again.

Heran : these scars-

Hongjoong : I don’t care! All I know is you…you can't leave, not when you've gone through so much.

Heran just stood still, not moving and not knowing what to say. Hongjoong cried and said

Hongjoong : don't abandon me, heran-ah. Don't leave me, I love you.

Heran froze, her heart stopping at those words. Those three words that she had never wanted to hear from him, the three words that healed her broken heart and then shattered it apart into pieces again. She felt physical pain run through her body as she said

Heran : stop.

Hongjoong : I love you.

Heran : stop saying that!

Hongjoong : I love you.

Heran screamed and pushed hongjoong away from her harshly, making him lose balance and stumble as he fell on the ground. Hongjoong looked up at heran with teary eyes as she let out a breath and ran away, tears running down her face. All she wanted to do now, was die.

_____________________________________

Heran ran to the wash basin in her kitchen, throwing up as soon as she bent her head. She felt tears drip down her cheeks as she sobbed, feeling everything she had eaten before get thrown out of her body harshly. Her hands clutched her stomach, her head spinning and light. She finally gagged one last time before washing her mouth with trembling hands. Of course she did, her mother had always hit her when she didn't wash her hands after doing every little thing, it was why her hands were still so torn and rough. Because she kept aggressively rubbing it until blood dripped down along with the water.

Heran sobbed and slid down the wall next to the wash basin, her wet hands coming up to grasp her hair as she screamed in pain and sorrow. What had the world done to her? She was only a little girl who wanted love from her parents, but instead she was abused and thrown away like trash. And then she had gotten hongjoong, the only shining star in her life and now…now she could never go back to him.

Why? Because he was gold and glory, he was too good to be true, he had a heart of diamonds and there wasn't anything about him that wasn't pure. He grew up in richness and warmth, and love. He grew up with everything and grew up to have everything. While her? She was black and filth, she was anything but pure. Hell, she couldn't even smile without having to practice it in front of the mirror every day. She would destroy hongjoong's life, and she couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of his pain. If she…if she left now, he'd live to be happy and have a good life. Let her rot from here, let her die, let her starve, she didn't care. But she couldn't let anything happen to hongjoong.

But…she loved him, she loved hongjoong. Why was it that she could never have anything she wanted, why was it that she never…she never got anything she wanted? Was her life that cursed?

Heran cried harder as thoughts filled her mind, thoughts, memories, her dreams, everything crashed into her mind all at once, making her feel like she was exploding. Heran wailed in pain, her screams falling into nothingness as flashbacks of her mom hitting her, her dad pushing her onto the bed and them beating her up played through her mind.

Heran clenched her hands, the tip of her nails digging into her skin as blood pooled in the area. But it didn't help, even the physical pain didn't help. All she could do now? Was die.

______________________________________

Hongjoong looked at the woman lying on the bed in front of him, her grey hair spread out in the pillow as the machines beeped continuously, monitoring her heart beat. Hongjoong scoffed at the thought of that. Heart beat? Heart? What heart did this woman have, the same woman who hurt her daughter, the same woman who let her child get raped and abused?

Hongjoong clenched his hands, the pain in the cut that was caused by heran pushing him away, not bothering him because what was this small cut, when compared to whatever she had gone through?

Hongjoong looked at the mother of the woman he loved, feeling the utmost desire to just take that oxygen mask off of her, to let her die for whatever she had done to heran.

But he couldn't, because it wasn't his job to do. This was heran's mother, and whatever that happened to her, had to be done by heran, not him.

Hongjoong let out a shaky breath and wiped his tears, not wanting to look at the monster in front of him for a second longer. He walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. He turned to face his mother, who looked at him and exclaimed

Mrs kim : hongjoong-ah! Where have you been, I've been trying to find you.

Hongjoong : oh uh, why? What's wrong?

His mother paused, looking at hongjoong's state as worry filled her eyes.

Mrs kim : hongjoong, have you been crying?

Hongjoong looked at his mother, feeling thankful for having gotten someone like her, someone who he could always run to, someone who would always love him and take care of him, constantly worried about him. The love she had given him when he was young was, after all, what made him into who he was today. Hongjoong hugged his mom tight, making her smile and wrap her arms around him as he whispered

Hongjoong : no, I haven't been crying.

Mrs kim : is this because doctor yoon left?

Hongjoong froze, his eyes widening as he pulled back and asked his mother

Hongjoong : what?

Mrs kim : it's what I came to tell you, son, Yoon He-ran has resigned, effective today morning.

__________________________________

Hongjoong drove his car towards heran's house, cursing at how far away it was from him. He had always wondered why she lived inside a whole forest, but now, now he knew. The one thing he didn't know was her door lock, but he would find out, somehow. Whatever it took to hold her in his arms. Hongjoong drove faster, breaking past a thousand traffic rules and regulations as fear slowly gripped him.

What if she did something to herself? He had seen the look in her eyes before, and if anything happened to her…

Hongjoong : fucking hell.

___________________________________

Heran closed her eyes as she rested her head against the wall of her living room, the floor-to-ceiling window being transparent allowing her to see the snow patter against it's surface. She had been in this position since yesterday night, not even bothering to turn on the lights or change her clothes.

She had been contemplating everything since this morning when she sent in her resignation letter. She knew what she had done, ruined her revenge, ruined her relationship with hongjoong and his parents, and thrown away her job, leaving her with no income. Not that it mattered to her anyway. She wouldn't be able to see her mother any longer, but then again, her mother was almost close enough to death. 2 more months, max, and then she'd be gone whether or not heran did anything to her system.

So now that that was done, what was her point in this world? She knew she couldn't lead a normal life any longer and she didn't want to live a life that wasn't normal. So there was only one thing left, die.

It was almost 3pm now, the time she was born. It would be nice if she died at the same time too, wouldn't it?

Heran walked up to her kitchen counter, picking up her sleeping pills. She would usually just have one pills or so before she went to sleep at night, but now? She'd need a minimum of ten pills to guarantee her eternal sleep. Heran opened the container with shaky hands and dropped 12 pills onto her hands, filling a glass with water. She was about to put the pills into her mouth when she heard the sound of a car engine, her brows furrowing. She looked through the one way glass window as she saw a Porsche pull right in front of her door. Hongjoong stepped out of it, his breathing heavy as he ran towards the front door.

Heran let out a shaky breath and kept her glass aside, moving closer towards her living room in order to see what hongjoong was doing. She looked at the pills in her hand, knowing it was now or never.

Hongjoong didn't know her password, and he would never guess the lock either. It would take him time and if she ate these now, she'd surely be able to do what she had intended to do. But she didn't know why, but the small sobs that hongjoong let out as he tried different number combinations, each of it failing, made heran pause as she realized…

What if…what if she was hurting him as well by all this.

_________________________________

Hongjoong tried entering a different number combination to open the door to heran's house, tears falling down his eyes as he desperately tried knocking on the door as well. He knew heran was on the other side, he didn't know how, but he knew she was there. He banged on the door harder than before, pathetically crying out as he said

Hongjoong : open the door for me, please heran-ah, please.

Heran just shut her eyes tight, the grip on her pills tightening as her mind ran through everything that would happen once she was gone. Hongjoong hit his fists against the wooden door, his knuckles now turning red from the amount of times he had tried doing so. The scratches in his palm from last night didn't help with the pain either but hongjoong could care less about anything except heran.

Hongjoong : pl-please I swear, I'll do anything. Please just open the door for me, please let me in. please, god!

Hongjoong sobbed harder as he felt no movement from the inside of the house, his entire body freezing from the cold. He let out a shaky breath and brought his hands to the lock, typing in the last thing he could think of, 1998.

Hongjoong let out a gasp as the door opened, making heran flinch as her eyes widened. She hadn't expected hongjoong to guess the lock so quickly, and now it was too late to eat the pills without him seeing it.

Hongjoong swung open the wooden door and entered her house hastily, his eyes widening at the sight of heran in front of him.

Hongjoong : heran-ah. What…what are you doing?

Heran pressed her lips together, her hand with the pills in it held tight behind her back now. Hongjoong's wide eyes stared at her as he whispered, now knowing what she was trying to do

Hongjoong : are those…were you-heran. Were you going to…kill yourself?

Tears fell from heran's eyes as she whispered shakily

Heran : I am going to.

Hongjoong's face fell, his heart breaking apart as fear gripped his body. Hongjoong stepped forward while saying

Hongjoong : no-

Heran stepped back and said, her voice stern

Heran : step closer and I will swallow these.

Hongjoong sobbed in fear and pain, lowering himself to the ground as he practically begged her

Hongjoong : please, please no. don’t do this.

Heran : go away, hongjoong.

Hongjoong cried harder, his tears now staining the marble floor as he said

Hongjoong : come back to me. Please just come back to me, I can't see you gone.

Heran still wasn't convinced, her eyes looking at hongjoong who was kneeling on the floor, looking up at her with desperate eyes. He shook his head, his entire face red and covered in tears and sweat

Hongjoong : why can't you understand, heran! I can't see you dead, I don't want to live in a world without you in it, it's… please.

Heran paused, realizing that her thought was right after all. Hongjoong wanted her alive, he wanted her with him.

Heran : hongjoong.

Hongjoong : you're tearing me apart, yoon he-ran.

Tears fell from her eyes, her hand dropping the pills onto the floor as it clattered against the surface. Hongjoong sobbed in relief, his arms covering his head as he tried to stop his body from shaking. And only then, did she see the cuts and scratches on hongjoong's palm, his knees seeming to be bruised. That was because of her, because she hurt him the night before. And even then he came back for her, as he always had. Heran sniffed, her face contorting in pain as she tried not to break down

Heran : I'm sorry.

Hongjoong stood up from where he was sitting, mumbling a no as he crashed into heran's arms, his hand placing heran's head against his chest as he wrapped the other arm around her. Heran felt her walls slowly shattering as she said

Heran : I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for being this way, I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble-

Hongjoong : don't you fucking dare, heran. None of this, is your fault. You're perfect to me just the way you are and I only need you by my side.

Heran cried into his chest, her shaky arms wrapping itself around hongjoong's waist. Hongjoong kissed the side of heran's head with teary eyes and whispered softly

Hongjoong : you're going to be fine, I won't let anything happen to you from now.

_____________________________

5 years later :

Heran was sitting in the sofa in her living room, going through the files of one of her patients as the sound of rain pattering against her glass walls brought her a sense of comfort. Her other sense of comfort, was probably in their room, sleeping his off day away. She should have too, but then again, she had always been a sort of workaholic.

She was wearing a sleeveless shirt now, her scars completely visible to her. But she was in peace with them, and she almost even found them beautiful. Because hongjoong had, because he had always told her she looked prettier with those scars on and it only showed how much of a strong woman she was.

And with time and loads of love, heran had finally come to peace with her past, and her mother who had died 4 years ago.

Heran looked up as she smiled at hongjoong skipping down the stairs to reach the living room, a small pout playing on his lips. There he was, sulky again. Hongjoong came up to her and snatched the file away from her before throwing it to the coffee table, placing his head on her lap instead as he snuggled closer towards her. Heran giggled and brought her hands to his hair, playing with it as hongjoong said

Hongjoong : focus on me now.

Heran : mhmm, and what were we doing last night?

Hongjoong : focusing on me.

Heran : and today morning?

Hongjoong : focusing on me.

Heran : and-

Hongjoong : focusing on me.

Heran giggled and leaned towards hongjoong, kissing his nose as it scrunched automatically. Heran smiled and whispered

Heran : such a baby, joong.

Hongjoong : come on! It's raining, raining means cuddling, not working.

Heran : I am a neurosurgeon, joong.

Hongjoong : and I am too, along with basically owning an entire hospital chain. But I'm still here anyway.

Heran smiled and leaned back against the sofa, looking out into the forest that surrounded her house

Heran : you are.

Hongjoong : sweetheart?

Heran looked at hongjoong and asked with a smile

Heran : yes, joongie?

Hongjoong stared at his girlfriend, thinking how on earth someone could look so beautiful and perfect. How someone could face so much, and still give so much to the people she loved.

Hongjoong : I love you.

Heran chuckled and said

Heran : I love you most.

Hongjoong sat up from her lap, placing his hand on her cheek as he kissed her, deep and passionate. Heran wrapped her arm around hongjoong's neck as he stood up and picked her up without breaking the kiss, making heran pull back with a yelp and laugh. Hongjoong walked up to their room with heran in his arms as he said

Hongjoong : let's focus on you now.

_________________________________

#kim hongjoong #hongjoong #ateez hongjoong #hongjoong angst #hongjoong fluff #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez ff #hongjoong ff #kpop ff #kpop angst #kpop fluff #angst

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aintgonnatakethis · 1 year

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4 months post top surgery

Am happy with the scars and flatness but not happy with the lump under my right arm, the pain I am in on that side, or the dismissal I have received from both the surgeon and the gender clinic over this issue. Further discussion below picture.

10 weeks after surgery I begin to develop the lump under my right arm. I have a scheduled phone app with a Senior Name Professional at the GC, who encourages me to get in contact with my surgeon right away. I do so, and am asked to come in for an app.

The surgeon was rude and dismissive about the problem. I had (on his instruction) been wearing compression tape on the scars 24/7 since the post-op, but still he demanded to know why I hadn't been stretching, specifically telling me I should be raising my arms straight over my head and stretching, which is the 101 of Do Not Do after top surgery. When I said this, he asked me who told me that. I replied with the name of my doctor at the GC and he snapped "She's not a surgeon. Who are you going to listen to?" At the post-op he also said that any of the dissolvable stitches that hung around a further week could just be pulled out. This seemed like a fucking stupid thing to do so I didn't and it was a further 6 weeks before they went away on their own.

He mentioned liposuction in passing and then told me "I think you're exaggerating your symptoms due to your anxiety".

I went to my GP soon after who immediately diagnosed me with muscle splinting, which is where the muscle around a wound locks up to protect the wound and then has trouble relaxing again; apparently very common for invasive surgery of the torso but something the surgeon never mentioned to me. My GP gave me muscles relaxants (2mg Diazepam 3 times a day for 2 weeks).

During my second follow appointment with the surgeon he didn't bother to check my range of movement and said my pain was caused by a damaged tendon that could take up to a year to heal. When I showed him that the pain was only present when the fatty tissue put pressure on the tendon he said he "didn't know why that was".

I speak to my SNP again and they agree I shouldn't be in pain and share my concerns on how I've been treated. They say they'll get me an app with my GC doctor and a 2nd opinion from another top surgeon.

A week later they email to say I'm going to get neither, as the GC doctor has already made up their mind based solely on the surgeon's recommendation. They attach the letter the surgeon sent.

"he is fixed on the appearance" "He seems to claim that this is causing pain" "he appears to be still concerned and dissatisfied with the appearance"

I have made it very clear to all parties involved that I am very happy with how everything looks, and the dismissal (and let's be real, accusation of making my pain up) smacks of misogyny - oh the dumb women couldn't possibly know when she's actually in pain. I feel this is backed up by him telling me "you need to learn to appreciate your new body" and rolling his eyes when I asked if I should change in my diet post-op to ensure the best recovery. Discussed previously here.

"I think he needs to glean support to help his cognitive adjustment to his outcome"

Anyone who can tell me what this means gets a gold star. Also who the fuck talks like this?

After this I make an app with my GP, who also agrees I shouldn't be in pain. They emailed my surgeon before my 2nd follow up but haven't received a response. They said they will email both my surgeon and GC in an attempt to get things sorted.

In the meantime they've prescribed me a second round of muscle relaxants, this time at a stronger dose (5mg Diazepam 3 times a day for 2 weeks) to see if it will fix the problem.

My GP should not have to be providing post-op care and they're the only person involved I don't feel let down by.

#tried to make this concise but failed #tbf it's been a while since i've updated so there's a lot to get through #basically fuck everyone except my gp #i'd die for them #trans #top surgery #trans men #trans masc #transmasc #transgender #transphobia #transandrophobia #misogyny #transmisandry #mine #ftm #antony fitton

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lord-of-fidgets · 11 months

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Life update: PLEASE READ.

Those who remember my coworker harassing me - I've been unemployed now for a while and medical bills are piling up.

I was "fired" due to chicken that I didn't even touch. The day it happened it was me and one other person until the new hire arrived. I was the second newest. The person who was working with me, K, had been there for years. K left and before she did she had taken out chicken and told me and R (the new hire hired just after mee) that it was there.b

We both acknowledged that. I was working on my three pages of chores which included taking temperatures. The readings were coming in wrong so I had to fix it (which mind you - only I knew how to fix it - not even the 3+ year assistant manager knew how to do it) or we would have to throw EVERYTHING away. (So said my boss).

And R was starting prep and was right beside the chicken and also acknowledged K saying that it was there and needed to be done. I assumed R was going to do it since she was doing prep and was going to be there after I left which was soon. And by law the temperatures had to be done. So i did the immediate tasks first until I had to go.

Then I came back next morning and K ran out to my car, and she was crying because R had told our boss that we didn't say anything about the chicken. Which made me really mad. And that we were being blamed for the chicken needing to be thrown out.

I go in to talk to our boss who is trying to force me to sign this write up. And it's saying things like I didn't take responsibility and I ruined the chicken and I tried to explain what happened and that I didn't pull nor even touch the chicken. I called my mom for advice and she told me not to sign anything. I go back to my boss and tell him I won't sign it since I didn't do what it said. He then called his boss and they said if I didn't sign it, I'd be fired.

I said I wouldn't sign something that isn't true. And asked for a copy of the write up. He crumpled it and said "well since it doesn't matter now- no. If you just signed it you'd still have a job." Thankfully I had taken a picture of it when he had his back turned because I had a bad feeling in my stomach. I also asked for a copy of the fire paper and got that.

I don't understand how I got fired for something that wasn't my fault and because K and I's story collaborated- which our boss denied. R got to keep her job "because she's new" but the thing is one of the first things you do is learn prep. So she KNEW not only the chicken was there, and needed to be done, and had started prep - but she knew HOW to do it, too. My boss tried to say she's new but I told him that I've barely been there 3 months at most and there were still gaps in my own training. He didn't care.

On top of this I had gallbladder removal surgery less than ornabout a month ago now- it was an emergency from an on going issue I couldn't afford to have fixed even when I had a job. But it went on for about 3 years and the urgent care made me go to the ER. They did a bunch of tests and the walls around my gallbladder were thickening, it was filling with fluid, enlarged and ducks were blocked. So I went in for emergency surgery. They removed it. They also said it had been close to becoming septic.

Then I still had a blockage that required me to go out of state to have it removed. It was taken care of and they said it also looked like I was born with dilated ducts. No one there could believe I delt with the pain for these years. But honestly no one listened to me when I did risk going to urgent cares for advice and help or went to see the free doctor at the college when I went to college. So I learned to deal with excruciating pain.

So now I'm just getting cleared to lift things again. I have an appointment today to my normal doctor for something else. I'm jobless and in so much medical debt over something I needed to live.

Any advice? Please?

#actuallyautistic #actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #actuallyadhd #autistic #neurodivergent #autistic adult #autistic advice

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acornhatsandcats · 1 year

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Hey my name is Kaiden. I’ll share a little about my story, and why I’ve made this.

I’ve been out for 8 years now, and on the waiting list for 5 on the NHS. Due to cuts, COVID, ever increasing living costs, laws, and already a very long wait time increasing by 3+ years than it was with no signs of anyone in the year I signed up being seen anytime soon, it’s come to a point where I must take the next step as soon as possible. I’ve tried and tried again to save for it, but, the reason I’m on the NHS in the first place is because I can’t afford to save for this all on my own. My plans where to begin this month/next, but saving isn’t that simple.

This would change my entire life, and I simultaneously am saving up for top surgery and that takes a lot out of my budget as that’s the one that is a deal breaker as not having it prevents me from even getting dressed or going outside or wanting to be seen by people at this point due to dysphoria it’s gotten so severe, especially since I stopped being able to bind a few years ago, due to over binding for 4 years with cheap binders, random items to chest flatten, and I can’t exercise as well anymore so I feel like I never pass to a degree I’m okay with. When I could bind and exercise more, I felt amazing, I felt like I was living life, I did so much during that time and since then I’ve been miserable most of the time and isolated myself so much I have seen maybe 2 friends in a year. I feel awful being seen.

I’ve resorted to using T in circumstances which are self medicated numerous times in unofficial ways, and I don’t want to do that anymore as it’s so risky. I want a safe transition, I want a secure transition. I am not a medical professional no matter how much I research how much T to take. I just want the security of that and no longer have to play by eye, run out, start again, wonder if I’m doing it wrong, and play around with my health and experience my hormones destabilising when I can’t get anymore T whereas on prescription that won’t happen (so much, I know some people withheld it in the pandemic but that’s not usually what happens).

I’m 25 now and wanted to start at 18, technically before then, but 18 was when I could try. I signed up at 20 finally. Doctors so far have been ultimately terrible with listening, and only in the last 3 months have referred to me as my gender after 5 years of knowing otherwise.

My mental health has rapidly deteriorated over the years due to living like this as I’ve touched on previously in the post, and I want to move onto the next step. Finally. I hate asking for this, but I’m at a loss of probably nothing happening for years to come and I can’t wait anymore, I really can’t. 5 years on a waiting list for your first appointment for anything is no joke.

I would not ask if I wasn’t desperate, if there’s anything I can do in return I will try my best.

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sadtransboy999666 · 1 year

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How did you get your craving for sugar to go away?! I just binged 800 calories and I hate myself so much I can't get it to come back up either!

first of all-

babes i promise 800 calories is NOT a big deal. please don’t beat yourself up over this.

my binges used to be AT LEAST 1500 cal, 800 was a snack. you are doing FINE

second-

at least for me, change motivated by self hate doesn’t work. i had to try to approach this with love and compassion. instead of hating myself for food, i tried to focus only on how happy i’ll be when i see results.

so maybe see if that works for you

third-

to actually answer

i’m ftm trans. (if you don’t know, that means female to male). i’m getting my top surgery soon (getting my tits chopped off) (😆😆😆) and all i’ve wanted is to be able to go shirtless in public. my main issue with my body is my stomach.

ever since going on testosterone, one of the places i’ve gained weight is stomach. which is fucking devastating because i can’t stop t (testosterone).

and if i wanna be shirtless in public, that means people seeing my stomach. and i’m not going through a five-hour-long, thousands-of-dollars, weeks-of-recovery, (which is gonna cost me my job because i can’t lift things) just to hate my body too much to show it off.

so i have to make a change.

have my cravings gone away? fuck no.

what do i do? think about all the years i’ve spent daydreaming about this and think-

which matters more, the chocolate or what i’ve been dreaming of for 3 years?

hope this helps

#ana stuff #tw ana shit

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bonellzz · 1 year

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My first blog : a bit of history of a big challenge I was presented 18 months ago to define who I am today : Christopher J Bonelli 2.0

I came down with a very serious case of COVID-19 Delta Variant. I was placed in a medically induced coma for 55 days FROM July – Sept 2021, in the ICU. I had to be intubated and put on a ventilator, and eventually they had to do a tracheotomy, because they couldn't extubate me otherwise. While there they did a number of surgeries on me, on top of the tracheotomy, included a feeding tube, three chest tubes and multiple central lines.

On the 55th day I woke up with tubes coming out of all parts of my body. I was there for another week and a half, after being released from the ICU. When I was discharged, couldn’t walk or talk, and quickly realized the enormous feat I would have in front of me in order to recover. I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat, breath, and perform daily activities of living, all over again. I’m still on the big oxygen machine and my lung capacity is on 53% , doctors say I should make a recovery between 16-24 months. It currently has been 15 months since being discharged.

I’ve been a loyal tenant for three years now and this is the first time I am late on rent due to a financial hardship from getting sick and having over a year of rehabilitation? This complex has tried to evict due to a few weeks late on rent smh . Why Should I need to be penalized, the government did not help with ANY COVID RELIEF PROGRAMS …the state of FLORIDA did not find me temporary disabled granting me with SSDI although I met all the criteria. ERAP and SNAP declined me probably because my taxes showed I was making more than the threshold but what was I supposed to the in the following months with a 14 month no work order should help because I was making 6 figures and I will again when im fully healthy.

The leasing office knew everything that was going on and put me into another apartment 1406 at the same address 405 ne 2nd st apt 1406 fort Lauderdale fl 33301. There was no exchange a move in fee they handed me a key and I signed a lease. During the move I passed out twice and had to be hospitalized again because my lungs arent capable of that much endurance yet. So I have received an eviction notice and 3day notice to vacate on my door. I’m trying to keep a positive mindset that I will get better soon but I was the only survivor with delta variant from imperial hospital and have not received any funding from government. Im at the point where I need assistance from the government . I really need help.

Having a fiancé cheat on me during my recovery , losing my finances , job , relearning to become a human again of course I’m going to deal with mental issues that I have been overcoming through therapy

Im constantly getting my organs checked and my immune system is at the lowest. I lost everything in a snap of a figure but instead of sitting there an sulking I’ve been pushing myself to be strong and get passed this I went in the hospital at 195lbs came out at 120, I’m finally putting the weight back on, but there seems to be an obstacle in my way every time. I have major PTSD, Major Depression and anxiety disorder all diagnosed by a psychiatrist as well as permanent fibrosis in both my lungs. I went into AFIB 3 times as well. I’m only 32 and it’s a mission for me to bend over and put the dishes away or to walk just one block, I was a bodybuilder before my life was turned upside down.

It’s been 17 months and I have made a 90% recovery I believe it’s time Now its time for me to get back on my feet and others in need of my support and share my story to help overcome obstacles such as mine.

#covid19 #covidawareness #longcovid #covid #coviddelta #coma #survivor #covidreovery #recovery #covidisnotover #covidhelp #covidrelief #coronavirus #covid #corona #stayhome #quarantine #lockdown #staysafe #love #pandemic #share #shareyourstory

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ms-hells-bells · 2 years

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thank you! it's been so terribly painful that i'm thinking of surgery (but i'm scared af lol). btw that's a weird question but were you able to get vegan food at the hospital? because i guess you had to stay a couple days?

nah, for the diagnostic laparoscopy, you're out as soon as you can pee. because it's a laparoscopy, aka a keyhole surgery, the surgery sites are actually just 2-3 small cuts. i didn't even have stitches, i had butterfly stitches, which is small surgical bandaids that act as stitches. so, you'll be home within a couple hours at most of that surgery. they asked me what i wanted to eat, the nurse assured me that they could make a proper meal, but i just asked for peanut butter sandwiches since i'd be home soon. the worst part wasn't the pain, they give you hella tramadol, it's the carbon dioxide that remains in your abdominal cavity that slowly dissipates over like three days. because carbon dioxide is lighter than air, when you sit or stand, it floats to the top of your abdomen and crushes against your diaphragm, makes you feel like you can't fully breathe, and any time you move, you can feel the gas moving around. no drugs can remove that off, uncomfortable feeling. but it's not dangerous at all.

but it depends on the country and hospital. most western hospitals can scrounge up something, they legally have to meet one's dietary requirements, but the quality can vary wildly. i can give a better answer after my surgery this week, since i'll be staying for one night (yep, even with the major excision surgery, as long as there's no complications, it's just one night).

you don't need to worry too much about the diagnostic surgery, the risks are extremely low, but you do need to understand them and read the information they give you. as for the actual endo removal surgery, make sure what they're offering is EXCISION, not LASER. you can ask them the type of surgery they do. if they use words like ablation, fulguration, etc. that's using a laser/some type of burning tool and most endo orgs and specialists think that that method should literally be banned from practice. luckily in much of new zealand, laser methods are no longer practiced, only excision is, but most other countries are not so lucky, and many surgeons will even scoff and scorn you for having opinions against laser (when in reality, they KNOW it does nothing long term, the symptoms almost always come back after 6 months, and it can actually cause further damage. they just don't want to learn/do excision, because it takes far longer to perform). it is literally better to be on a waiting list for a specialist that does excision for years than risk having further internal scarring/organs nicked by burning lasers.

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songbirds-of-halcyon · 4 months

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Surprise, we’re alive. Life update time because I have nothing better to do with my time.

We’re learning Japanese because why not. Wanted to do it since we were a kid so now’s a good time to start or whatever.

We’ve moved up from having 2 surgeries this year to 3. We get to be knocked out 3 times!! Yay!!

Speaking of surgery, we’re having top surgery on the 7th of Feb and one of our pre-ops is tomorrow.

Our cat nearly died a few months back but she’s fine. She got poisoned by some lilies so maybe don’t ever come into contact with a lily if you’re going to be near a cat ever.

We got a wheelchair. We have yet to use it, because we honestly haven’t left the house in months (this is normal dw), but we will find somewhere to go that’s worth the effort.

We had several realisations about our mental health and there’s a lot wrong. We won’t go into detail because it’s super inappropriate for social media, but we will be seeing a doctor about it. All we’ll state is we definitely have a skin-picking disorder. Just know that this is part of the reason we’re offline most of the time as of recent.

Our birthday is soon (in a few days). We’re turning 18. We’ve never been less excited for a birthday tbh. Thankfully, we’re going to a restaurant we’ve wanted to go to for a while and hopefully it won’t be terrible like the last one.

We may be more active after surgery, if all goes well. Then we might disappear again before the second one.

Preparing for surgery when we’ve never had one before is very stressful. It doesn’t help that the doctors don’t know about most of our disabilities, including the DID. Tbh, we didn’t tell them because we were scared they’d deny us for it. We went in fully intending not to tell them that we’re trans either for the same reason, but they weren’t transphobic, so we could probably (and should probably) tell them about the DID too because we don’t really know how we’re going to react to amnesia. 🎆’s been planning to be the one to handle the whole thing for like 2 years now but I personally haven’t heard from them in a while (they’re not gone they just don’t front or talk too often anymore).

Unrelated, we keep splitting introjects from a game we don’t even play and it’s starting to get concerning. There are literally over 10 of them now. At least they’re somewhat functional people, I guess, unlike me.

Sorry this post was a mess, I haven’t existed in public for a while.

-🌸

#🌸#the songbirds sing #system stuff #I’ve forgotten how we tag our posts lol

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azeler · 7 months

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idk if you have any ocs but. free space if you do tell us about them go

Okay so I have a lot of OCs mainly because one of my prime hobbies is making D&D character sheets for characters I'm never gonna play + I used to (sometimes still do but not as often) imagine stories in my head to get myself to sleep. But I'm gonna stay on the most recent characters and universes so I can stay coherent. Anyway :

First D&D characters :

Hawthorn - Half-elf, Light Cleric 11/Revenge Paladin 3, he's a vampire hunter who's been cursed by a vampire who bit his tongue when he was young, which made it black and sickly. For this reason, a nickname he got is 'Black Tongue'. He's absolutely, brutally angry towards any vampire he crosses, and will try to kill them at any cost. Terrifyingly powerful, he can do like, 130 damage per turn in optimal conditions (without using spell slots every turn).

His personal arc would be to go against a Dark Lord vampire, Strahd-style, only to be revealed that the lord is a Scourge, a lich type from Pointy Hat that resurrects into the body of their most hated enemy whenever they die. After killing it once, it'd come back to life by using their mentor/friend/etc., and would have to try to kill the vampire once and for all, knowing he's the next on the list if he fails.

Phull - Half-orc/Hexblood, Archfey Warlock 3. He's an orc who was kidnapped by a hag in his early childhood, and raised to become a hag, but he escaped eventually and found his way to the Court of Summer, where a kind fey found him and kept him under their wing, and where he lived for most of his teenage years. He then entered a contract with Titania, archfey of the Court of Summer, in exchange for service (and also top surgery). He then went on to travel the world. He's not really accepted by either orcs or hags, because he's visibly too much hag or not enough, and people don't like either of those too much in general, so even if he tries to be nice and agreeable, he often gets the blame if something goes badly. He tries to stay optimistic, though. (Huge trans vibes, yeah)

Raphael d'Argazzo - Human, Swashbuckler Rogue 3. Your stereotypical prettyboy mercenary/duelist, he comes from a relatively minor noble family, so he's a baronet, but that's one of those titles you can just buy if you're well-off, like his grandparents were. He's one of many siblings and cousins, and while things are going well with his family, it's clear he's not the one they brag about or stuff, just... a good kid, who spreads their name sometimes when does cool stuff, but nothing more.

His arc would involve him in the underworld to find a too-soon dead lover of his (and he had many, so that's saying something). To gain access and stay in the underworld, however, he'd need to pay a price, a price made of his memories. He'd be given a deck of cards, and each card would be a part of his memories (friends, lovers, family, glories, losses, etc.). A twist would be that he already had given up the memory of his love's death, but that also removed all his memories of her. The whole theme would be "you have to remember your mistakes. It will hurt, it won't be worth it, it will feel horrible, for the rest of your life, but that's the only way you'll be able to go forward".

Next is Kasneon the Great (Kas for short), statistically Brass Dragonborn, Draconic sorcerer 5, but in reality, he's a very young (120) Brass dragon (he kinda looks like tiny Rak from Tower of God, if you got the ref). He's very full of himself, as most dragons are, but it's very funny cause his physique does not match that heightened view at all. He also curses a lot (except when his mom's listening), so when someone finds him cute, he answers "I'm 120, motherfucker!"

Achleïs, human, Shadow Sorcerer 3. One of, if not the most wet cat sad backstory characters I've made. He comes from a bloodline cursed by an evil goddess who has to give up their firstborn to her, and it happened to be him :D Since he was like 7, he was forced out of his home and left to fend for himself, under the ever watchful eye of the goddess. He's extremely frail and weak, with dark eyebags, because of constant malnourishment and sleeping in the cold (literally 8 in both Strength and Constitution). He's a very good spellcaster, however, and can scare the shit out of most normal people (a good example would be using shadow sorcerer Darkness (which he can see through), Deafness then Inflict Wounds from a distance with Distant spell).

I also have something that is more a persistent idea than finished OCs, but I have a cast of characters that are all black activist figures :

It would consist of a Bard of Eloquence (for the obvious MLK parallel), an Oath of Justice (custom subclass) paladin (for the people in frontlines in protest and direct action), an Celestial Warlock grandma, who uses her faith to conjure miracles (because I fucking love gospel music and a singing grandma conjuring an angel is fucking dope), and finally, the only one that has a name and an arc is Aaron, a Rogue-or-Fighter/Sorcerer, with fire magic, who beats up cops and brings his friends out of jail, and over the course of the story learns to be more 'heroic' (he helps out, protect people he doesn't know, and learn that beating up cops is cool but also community building and communal action is necessary).

That's all my recent D&D characters, the next characters are from a comic I wanna make called Harpy Story, a fantasy coming-of-age story at the edge between a magical forest and a village. I want the supernatural elements in there to be a bit about queerness but mainly about disability-

Evne, the protagonist, is a half-harpy, cast off from his people at a young age and left to die in the forest. He's rescued and adopted by a hag (the hag mother), and he lives under her wing all of his childhood. He has big wings (like, they go down to his feet) that he uses to fly- He's very nimble, energetic and gets attached quickly, but also prone to be judgemental or hold grudges.

Isaac, a human in the village nearby, is his love interest, and is the son of a priest that deals with the forest's supernatural inhabitants. Most people think that means chasing or banishing, but he simply talks with them and makes deals to keep his village safe. When Isaac gets older however, something happens (that I don't wanna get into detail because maybe some time I'll pull myself together and draw this).

I also have a custom D&D setting and a realistic world that I'm worldbuilding currently, but they're still pretty new and disparate, so I won't post them in there (maybe in another post, who knows).

#az talks #worldbuilding #d&d #az answers

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