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magicalink · 1 year

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❥Perfect Night

Taglist: @butteerflyy @linn-a-a @divinechicha @etherisy

The taglist keeps growing! I'm so happy!🥺 If you wanna be added let me know!

When Kunikuzushi got out of his ratcave to set the table, it was late. You had already done it and were sitting at the table with a radiant smile that annoyed the shit out of him.

Yae was serving the food and his mother was sneering at him with a deadly glare.

"You couldn't do one simple task." she sentenced with a cold voice.

"Don't worry Ei, it was no problem," you said, quickly drawing another smile on your face to calm the waters, rising from your seat to extend your hand to Kuni to beg him to join the table and end the uncomfortable scene.

But when you stood up and he saw you in your beautiful, tight dress, his whole body went pale except for his face, which turned bright red. It was just too much. Too short, too tight, and your cleavage drained the blood of all his bidy to send it to another place.

"A-are you okay??" You asked, worried by his suddenly sick appearance, completely oblivious of the reason.

"My stomach hurts really bad…" he lied with a grunt, putting his hand over said part of his body. The other one stayed mysteriously in one of the pockets of his dark sweatpants "I'll skip dinner." he said and quickly fled back to his den.

He slammed the door shut behind him, fuming with anger.

He was so mad at you for being so beautiful and so fucking compliant. Always the golden girl.

But he was even madder at himself for having a fucking boner over you.

What a pathetic virgin. Simply disgusting! Getting hard at the mere sight of you, like you were finally getting inside his head, fooling him too!

He was grossed out at his reaction. So he threw himself on his desk chair and put on his headphones to discharge his rage onto some poor random on an online game. Yeah, that would relax him and make his boner disappear.

Ei mumbled under her breath, cursing his son, not believing a single word from him, tired of his childish and useless behavior. You and your mother backed him up to calm her down.

"Poor Kuni," you said. Like mother like daughter. Always protecting the peace of that poor home.

You finished eating in harmony and your mom offered to do the dishes since you were leaving for the party.

At 10 pm o' clock, Barbara's dad honked in front of your door with his white church van. And you shivered in anticipation. You were really nervous. But determined to ask Huffman out!

"Have fun sweetie!" Your mom yelled from the kitchen.

"Be careful," Ei said with a solemn voice.

"Bye!" You exclaimed with an excited smile, closing the door behind you.

Barbara and Keqing waved at you from the window.

You jumped into the car and said hi to them. Then you left for the party.

This night was super important. You could feel it in your gut. Something life-changing was going to occur. The party had to be perfect!

At around 2:30 am, you were coming back home with your makeup ruined and your heart broken.

"It's okay, Y/N, he's a total idiot, you'll feel better soon," Keqing said, patting your shoulders to comfort you.

Long story short, Huffman avoided you all night long and when you were determined to face him, you found him kissing another girl. All your hopes were crushed and you felt betrayed and humiliated.

Luckily, you had loyal friends by your side. Even if your friendship was recent, it was already strong. Keqing was especially present, always taking care of you and being the voice of reason. She was like an older sister to you.

After soothing your cries, she called her daddy to pick you up early.

Now he had stopped in front of your house.

"Are you sure you don't want us to stay with you?" She asked with a worried expression.

You shook your head, wiping away your last tears with your wrist, finishing to fully smudge your black mascara.

"It's okay," you sniffed, pulling yourself together. "I need some alone time," you whispered.

"That's healthy," she nodded approvingly with her usual serious look.

Before leaving, you pulled her into a warm hug.

"Thanks for being by my side," you sobbed in the crook of her neck.

At first, she was a bit shocked at your action but she quickly hugged you back, moved.

"That's what friends are for," she said, her firm hands giving you some sense of security.

You said thanks and goodbyes and you stepped off the car to walk to your doorstep.

You reached for your keys inside your purse and opened the door. You waved a last goodbye to Keqing and her daddy, before closing it behind you. You kinda didn't recognize him but you didn't care, you were too lost in your painful emotions.

The house was in complete silence when you entered. That gave you some peace. You didn't want your family to see you like that. To get worried over something so trivial.

Yeah, it was so trivial but it hurt like hell.

You went to the bathroom to take your makeup off. Then got taken aback by your battered reflection in the mirror. You looked like a dejected raccoon, with all your mascara smudged all over your reddened face.

You had been crying a lot.

Right then, you felt so lonely.

Despite having this little assembled family, you had to give your everything every day to keep it all together. And both Kuni and Ei were so distant and cold.

Your mom was an angel and you loved her deeply. But you felt you couldn't tell her about these feelings you had. That would only worry her.

Despite remaining friends, you felt really lonely when you broke up with Guy, because it felt like you weren't really a part of his family like you had thought. He never called you again.

So you were happy and thankful for having met such good friends at this school. They were so nice you couldn't believe it. Especially Keqing. Having her by your side, backing you up, and supporting you made you feel you weren't completely alone. Made you feel safe and loved by true friends.

That gave you strength. They would help you get over these nasty feelings, you were sure. But that would take time.

You went to your room to put on a night dress and then got inside your bed, still sobbing a little bit. You wanted to sleep it off.

You still felt down. It was like the little pieces of your broken heart were stinging the inside of your chest. It was so unfair. It made no sense! What was going on inside Huffman's mind??

You thought he was your friend! He was clearly flirting with you! He kissed you, he had sex with you for archon's sake!

Was that it?! Your sadness suddenly became anger. Was that why he stopped talking to you? Because he just wanted sex and now he had no interest in you?! If that was it, he was a complete jerk.

And you thought he was a nice guy! Damn him, you should have never given such a popular guy a chance!

You gritted your teeth. If he was that kind of guy, then he didn't deserve you shedding more tears for him.

Well, that was easy to say but not to do. You felt like shit for being treated so poorly. Luckily the anger took away your need to cry. But it also made you remember how needy and unsatisfied you were…

You rubbed your thighs together under the sheets, your clit begged to feel some friction.

It wouldn't hurt to touch yourself to alleviate that thirst you had been holding for such a long time. That would help you sleep. Yeah, you had been working so hard lately, you deserved some rest.

So you put on your headphones and started some boyfriend ASMR and moved one of your hands to one of your breasts and the other one down your body until slipping it inside your panties. You started to search for the spots that made you feel good.

Everything was marching right, except for the fact that you didn't quite know yet what to think about to further stimulate yourself. You would only think of Huffman again over your dead body! Guy? So boring! You kept browsing through your brain trying to find a handsome man, someone you would like his hands to be in the place of yours right then. It didn't need to be someone from the school, it could be an actor, an idol, someone you saw on tv…

Your finger suddenly stopped over your eager clit when you discovered yourself thinking about the guy next room again. You felt a sudden wave of heat take over your body. It was half dark in your room, but you were sure your whole body was fire red. You were ashamed, so ashamed of being thinking about Kuni. Again.

Your breath hitched. Did you really want his cold, scratchy hands all over your body, touching your sensitive spots and flicking your buds with the pads of his pale fingers?

Well, maybe? Because upon thinking about it your whole body trembled with a soft tickle. Your mind disagreed, but you gave it a chance. Fantasizing about it didn't mean you wanted it in real life, right? That's what you told yourself. Doing it with Kuni was impossible, not only because your mom was madly in love with his but also because he was really mean.

You had always been too benevolent with him, always the only one in the world who insisted that he was a nice person under that prickly exterior. And you really meant it. But that didn't mean you would go out with him if he kept being such an asshole. Of course not. You didn't let Huffman step all over you, you wouldn't let Kuni either. Or anyone, for that matter!

Yeah, that was it, masturbating to Kuni didn't mean you wanted him for real. He had a terrible attitude. But it was just his beautiful body you were feasting upon in your mind. His lean figure, his handsome face, his attractive voice…

You imagined his voice saying hot things that would never cross his virgin mind in real life, and his rough hands all worn down by playing videogames but never touching a woman’s body pushing all the right buttons to make your folds melt and clench around nothing, urging you to kick the panties away.

Dang, it worked like magic.

You started to lightly shake the bed as you approached your orgasm, moving your legs along to accompany the movements of your masturbation. You had to kick the covers away because the heat was insufferable. You even slid a finger inside your folds, then two, then you wondered how much Kuni would be packing down there and how it would feel if he put it inside of you, and then the release was right around the corner…

Meanwhile, the door at the end of the corridor opened and Kunikuzushi got out of his cave to go to the bathroom. When he arrived at said place, his face contorted and his eye twitched upon seeing your stunning short dress thrown onto the tiled floor.

"So she's back??" He thought, irritated.

And he became furious when he realized he had a boner because of you again. Because of your fucking tight dress. He cursed you under his breath and it took all of his self-control to refrain from picking up your dress and ripping it out of pure anger. He opened the running water and washed his face, trying to calm down. He contemplated his reflection in the mirror with disgust.

He looked at himself in the eyes, with hatred for being so weak, for almost falling for your dirty charms.

The truth was that when you had arrived, you were too sad to realize you had left the dress on the floor and the door to your bedroom a little bit open, but in his paranoid mind he was sure you had done it on purpose to provoke him.

So he decided it was time to put a stop to your disrespect and to say something. Out of anger, he finally decided. He would pick up your disgustingly sexy dress and throw it at your face and scold you for leaving your things all over the place.

But first, he had to calm down his blush and his boner or he would look utterly pathetic.

It took a lot of cold water down his face until he could calm down and get his dick soft enough to be able to pee and wash his hands and face all over again to prepare himself to confront you but he finally made it.

He took the dress harshly in one fist and stepped out of the bathroom courageously, ready to assert his dominance over you. It was the first time he would do it with you the same way he did with everyone else: aggressively. So he was excited, cocky, eager…

Until he entered your room and caught you masturbating. And not only that, but in a very heated way.

He got completely paralyzed, stiff from head to toe his cock especially. His already pale skin went almost transparent, except of course for his poor cheeks.

He couldn't believe his eyes. With the light that entered the room from the hallway, they witnessed, open wide, as your cute little nightdress was pulled over your waist, leaving your pussy on full display for him to see from where he was standing by the door.

He gulped down unconsciously. He couldn't believe just how beautiful it was. All swollen from arousal, so incredibly wet! And you were giving him no rest, rubbing circles on the clit with one hand and sticking two fingers inside with the other, pulling them in and out but also stopping to shove them as deep as possible, insisting on that sweet perfect spot…

He couldn't even think about his raging boner, his heart was thumping so hard it felt like it was about to jump out of his chest. He just couldn't seem to decide what to stare at. If your beautiful face, contorted in an expression of pleasure, your plush breasts barely covered by the dress, your hard nipples pushing against the cloth, or then again your breath-taking pussy.

It was just too wet. Damn too wet. His heart was ringing in his ears wondering what on earth could have turned you on so hard as to get so damn wet and have so much fun with yourself.

Luckily or unluckily, by mere coincidence the most unexpected answer fell off your lips with the lewdest moan he had ever heard not that he had heard any in real life but anyway it was very lewd:

"K-kuni…" you panted as you finally reached your orgasm, your eyes pressed shut as you got lost in your feeling of pleasure. Yeah not only your body was feeling amazing by your knowledge of how to touch yourself, but your little fantasy about Kuni being all nice and hot with you, ramming his cock inside of you just the way you told him, made your heart race and your toes curl.

This was just too much. More than he could handle. Again, luckily or unluckily for him, his phone vibrated and he desperately tried to shut it, terrified that the sound would make you realize his presence.

There was no option, he had to escape.

And so he did, he ran faster than ever in his life, straight to his room for a feeling of safety. He locked himself in, covering his mouth with a trembling hand as he fell with his back against the door until he sat on the floor.

It took him several minutes to normalize his breath and process what just had happened. The outrageous situation he had just witnessed, of you shamelessly masturbating to him and even having the nerve to moan his name. He simply couldn’t believe it. That your pussy looking so drenched and delicious was inspired by him.

His heart was still thumping hard. Did you notice him? Did you see him? Did you hear the sound of his phone and his footsteps and opened your heavy eyes and saw him as he escaped like the coward he was?

He wanted to slam his face against the wall. This could have been the best chance of his life, knowing that his enemy had a thing for him. He could have exploited it. But what if you saw him? If you did you could accuse him of being a total pervert over what was an unfortunate misunderstanding.

That would be his ruin. There had to be something he could do.

Chasing his last hope, he gathered all his courage to open his door and peek to see if yours was still open. He gulped down. It was. Maybe you didn’t hear or see anything? He sighed, trying to calm down. He would have to wait until the following day and analyze your attitude to determine if you did. He looked at his hands, which were still trembling from the shock, still trying to figure out if all had been real.

When doing so, he realized that in his clenched fist, he was still holding your dress, the reason for all this fucking disaster.

And the first thing he reached out to do in his soporiferous state of craziness was to take it up to his nose and smell it.

He closed his eyes and gave it a deep sniff and all the subtleties of your fragrance reached the deepest of his being. That calmed him down a bit. He held the cloth tighter and his knees pressed together. The image of your precious pussy glistening in the gloomy room and your yearning face got back to his memory. Your lips looked so kissable. He let out all the air in his lungs abruptly, so hot it made a little cloud of vapor in the cold air of his ratcave.

He got up, dress still in his hand, locked himself in his room so as not to end up just like you, and hid in his bed.

He just couldn't think reasonably because the soothing feeling that your smell and the memories of your lewd display had made his other hand wander slowly to his boxers.

If you had realized or not, that had to wait until next morning. Right now, This should have been the most prideful night of his life.

He just couldn't believe it. He knew he had good looks and he had told himself that the girls at school probably got off thinking about him despite them saying they hated him for his awful personality. But he didn't believe it for one second! Actually witnessing a girl touch herself thinking about him, and making it unmistakable by moaning his name so sensually…and not any girl, it was you.

Even though he hated himself for feeling like that, he still thought you were the most beautiful. And after getting to witness just how angelic your voice sounded moaning his name, a life without hearing it again sounded like doom.

He couldn't help but imagine your voice moaning his name again and again, begging him to do the lewdest things to you. To imagine how it would feel to touch and lick your pussy in such an aroused and drenched state.

And he couldn't help but to put his hand around the base and stroke his cock, the one you were fantasizing was inside of you instead of those fingers you stuck inside your soaked pussy. The one you were wondering about its size, width, feeling against your skin.

It was there, at the other side of the wall. He was stroking it at an increasing speed as he inhaled your smell from the dress he kept close to his lips.

The same dress you had worn to impress another man. One who deserted you and broke your heart like you were nothing.

The same dress that had made him so mad, but also unable to keep hiding to himself that he desired you deeply. It made him want you and no other. Even if he hated you, he needed you crazily.

So he imagined he could have you as he masturbated, thinking a bit that you owed it to him. If you could shamelessly get your pussy that swollen and red and have such a good time at his expense, then he could jerk himself off to death fantasizing he could have you too.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Art by @miruko40393 on twitter.

This is truly the exact face Kuni had after doing what he did, feeling awful with himself.

Author's Note: OMG I can't believe I finally finished it 😭 I hope you like it cuz I put my all into this one 🥲 I'll start next chap when I finish a spin-off of this story that was requested to me, which is on the making 👀 So sad cuz I started uni again but that doesn't mean I'll stop writing! I'm working on finishing these projects!

#scaramouche smut #scaramouche x you #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin smut #genshin x you #fanfic #genshin fanfic #wanderer smut #wanderer x reader #kunikuzushi smut

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nescaveckwriter · 5 months

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Paintbrushes And Romance 🥰🐞 - Part 7

Dean x Reader

Part 7 🥰🐞

A/N: Can someone hand me a box of tissues please 🥹🥰🐞 Also side note, please comment down below and let me know what you think, if you wanna of course🥰🐞

Warnings: Violence, Swearing, Sexual Content, Heartbreak, Kidnapping, Trigger Warnings🙈

.....

Seeing him, listening to the sound of his voice, broke you, I thought I was stronger that this. He is ordering his usual, black coffee. Acting like his presence doesn't bother you, you go on typing away, not that a single damn word is making sense, the tears, threatening to spill over, and give away, "your strong woman" act.

You can feel his eyes burning on you, while he steals a quick glance, you don't want to meet his eyes, so you'll just pretend to be busy, even though the only thing your busy with, is trying not to break down and cry in front of everyone.

I can't, I can't do this shit, you say underneath your breath, you quickly pack everything up, put a few dollars down for the coffee, you notice, you didn't even touch the piece of chocolate mousse cake, Julie gave you! Eversince that day, you haven't had much of an appetite, not even for dessert.

Just waving, while running out the shop, unsure to where you want to go, honestly unsure of what to do with yourself, with your life without him , hell! tell me how did I turn into this person, to the woman who needs a man, not just any man but Dean Winchester! Tears streaming freely now, I've never in my life felt sadness that cuts this deep, leaving my damn heart in a thousand shreds. I should hate him, but oh how I love him.

.....

Showing up at your mom's house, she barely opened the door, when you knocked, you grab ahold of her in a heartbreaking way, sobs into her arms, mom tell me, please how do I let this pain go away, how do I forget about him, how do I move on when my heart is so torn apart, when all I want to do is run into his arms, searching for the comfort I always found there, tell me mom!, you say, tears making your mom's, brightly flowered shirt wet.

Oh honey, taking her fingers, trying to rub the tears away, only time will tell, my sweet girl. Mom, I don't want time to tell, I just want time to be turned back, back to when he loved me, when I was enough to make him happy, I just want him mom, with me, holding me, is that to much to ask for, your voice breaking now, is it mom?, I am not a bad person am I? Can't I just be really happy for once? Don't I deserve it mom?

Oh bug, you are breaking my heart, seeing you like this, I wish I could just bandage your heart together, make everything better, but I can't, not this time, but I'll tell you what, sweetie, let me make us some of that chamomile tea you like so much, then we can just sit and talk, or cry, or be in total silence, just what you need honey. Forming a little smile on your lips, that sounds nice thanks mom, we can talk, but not about this , anything else will do.

Sweet, soft smile coming from your moms lips, okay honey, did you hear about Mrs, Anderson, throwing lemonade, at Mrs Morgan, for stealing some of her flowers....

...

The two of you, spend the afternoon just talking about, light-hearted, topics, and also of course the surprise birthday party for the weekend for your dearest brother, oh how deeply you love him, the two of you are really close, but he is always away on business trips, so you kind of lost touch, but this weekend is all about catching up.

....

Giving your mom, one big heartfelt hug, I'll see you and daddy tonight, for dinner, you say while starting to walk towards the street, where you get into the cab, giving them your address, you need to freshen up for the free art classes you give for the kids at the church, you also need to try and cover up your swollen eyes. Your not much for makeup, you prefer just a little bit of mascara really, but you have a trick or two up your sleeve.

Arriving at your little house, which doesn't really feel the same anymore, it doesn't feel like a home without him, damnit escapes your lips, while throwing your keys on the kitchen countertop.

Just standing in the shower, while the hot water is running down your body, all you can think of, is the way he'd looked this morning, as if something is weighing, heavily on his shoulders, maybe he misses you, the thought enters your mind, you could've sworn your heart just skipped a beat, but you just suppress that little excitement of just maybe he feels the same. Getting out, the shower, grabbing the nearest towel, wrapping it tightly around your body.

Walking to your dresser, opting out for a pair of dark blue jeans, and a plain black t-shirt, with your favourite pair of flat black boots, before closing the dresser, is when you spot it, he's favourite red flannel shirt you stole, to wear whenever you'll just be lounging around the house, taking the shirt, holding it closely to your beating heart, breathing in, the woody musky scent coming, from the shirt holding too much memories.

A little tear escaping and rolling over your cheek. Throwing it back into the closet, like it's the shirt's fault, you turn around to your mirror so that you can put on some makeup and get your hair done, deciding that you'll be going for the loosely braided hair you like so much.

You were just about done, when you hear your phone receiving a message, its from Eileen, "Hey sweetie, how are you doing? Listen you and me, we are going out for a girls night tomorrow, Sam's working late again so it's you and me, painting this town red, okay no excuses.!" A little smile forming across your lips, honestly you don't feel much like going out, but maybe she needs it just as much as you do. Texting her back , yeah hun let's do it , sounds like fun. I'll bring the red paint, with a laughing emoji, and some hugs and kisses you send the message.

Getting out the cab at church, grabbing your art supplies, walking towards the big welcoming doors, you breathe in, let's do this, you put on a big smile, hoping it'll take away the sadness in your eyes.

......

Okay kids that's it for tonight, I'll see you again on Friday, and remember, there is no right or wrong when it comes to art, just let your heart do the talking, each of the kids between the ages of seven and thirteen, comes to give you a hug, before heading out, oh you truly loved every one so much.

Last little girl, named Tiffany to give you a hug, come running up to you , she's 7 and has so much potential of being an artist one day, hugging you, looking you in the eyes with her big brown eyes, asking you when is uncle Dean coming to visit again. You just hug her tightly and say, not sure honey, he is very busy at work, oh okay, she says, I miss him, have to go now... Love you, bye, she goes running off!

Oh that little one, has no idea, what she's done, sitting down, with your hands covering your face trying, to be strong, trying to fight back the heartbreak, from damming up in your eyes, you feel a hand firmly, but softly resting on your shoulder, turning around to see Pastor Cas, hi, Pastor you said trying to hide the pain in your voice.

Are you okay, concern on his face, I will listen if you wanted to talk. Thank you Pastor, but is fine, I'll get better eventually, you say while getting up from your sitting position, gathering all the art supplies, you hear Pastor Cas say, I'm really here if you need to talk, and I know about you and Dean, I found him one night sitting in this same room, I think he came, here quite often when you weren't here, he told me the two of you broke up, I'm sorry to hear that he said empathy in his voice.

Damnit! You said underneath your breath, how can I tell Cas, how much I despise and love his best friend, strangely enough the two of them just connected, Dean started to show up at the art classes you gave, to see you, in your element he said, with that mischievous smile of his!

The kids quickly started to love him, as he would get on all fours and give them little horseback rides, one by one, while you were busy teaching the class, he and Cas would stand outside to talk and laugh. Dean would always tell you, that they're like brothers even though there so different.

I'm really fine you said quickly glancing at him, seeing the concern in his face. You're my friend too, he said. I know, but I'm fine, I really need to go, I have dinner with my parents tonight you said, with a smile barely tugging at your lips. Oh, okay, you should enjoy it he said smiling, coming closer and giving you a little hug.

Enjoy your evening Cas, you said while walking outside, waiting for a cab to pick you up. You could drive yourself, but preferred using the taxi services, one of the reasons being your not very good with directions and of course the other one is, its just much more fun sitting in the back taking in the view, of the places you've seen so many times before, but there's so many details and little miracle's that could be easily taken for granted! Oh very artsy of me, you say to yourself, a smile creeping on your lips!

You wave the taxi down, smiling while getting in, your eyes meeting his, he quickly looks away. Giving him the address, you just sit there in silence, admiring the stars and moon shining so brightly, a big dark cloud, hiding the stars all of the sudden.

You should be at your parents house by now! Looking at the street sign, seeing its he's going the wrong way.

Excuse me sir, you tap him on the shoulder, your going the wrong way, he turns to face you, his eyes as cold as breeze seeping through the window.

Sit back in your seat missy, I'm going the right way, his voice, sounding kind of raspy and mocking. So you adjust back in the seat, taking out your phone, knowing something is wrong you start typing away, the look he gives you in the mirror sends chills down your spine. It's him, the serial killer - Dean's been hunting.

Swallowing away the tightness in your chest, your fingers typing the words , "its the serial killer" before you could type, I love you mom, the car comes to a stop.

Breathing heavily you know its now or never, still holding you cell in your hand, you see him walking to the side of your door, turning slightly in your seat, your feet pointing at the door, he pulls it open, give me your damn phone he angrily says. That's when you gave it your all, you kicked him with both feet, and while he stuttering backwards, you turn around on your hands and feet, quickly crawling to the other side of the seat so that you can get away, your hand touching the door handle, almost there, biting your lip, ahhhhh! A scream escapes your lips, his pulling you out of the car by your ankles, trying to grab onto everything you can find, but there's nothing.

You feel the dirt and rocks underneath your arms, scraping the skin, trying to find a way of getting away from his tight grip, stil squirming he grabs your hair, that's when you feel it, a pinch, almost mosquito bite like, into your neck, night, night, you little shit, you hear his voice, sounding very pleased with himself.

You can feel it starting to take affect, did I send the text, you wondered, tears staining your face, the darkness came over you despite the moon shining so brightly.

#spotify #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #jared padalecki #jensen ackles x reader #sam and dean #benny lafitte #castiel spn #dean winchester imagine #eileen leahy

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aroaceconfessions · 9 months

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I have a best friend that I've known since we were three. We went to the same church for nine years until my family left, we went to the same high school, our moms had our siblings at the same time and then they went to school together too. We lived abt a mile away and would see each other every day. Now we're both in college and I don't see her anymore obviously. That's fine, both of us expected that, it's just part of growing up.

But the part that gets me is that both in high school and college, when things got hard, we would talk about living together. This happened a lot but it really increased once we both moved out. She had a really rough start to her freshman year of college, undergoing several major surgeries and having to go to the ER eight times in ten weeks, and we would call and talk about it a lot. We came up with a plan were we both dropped out, bought a house, and started a hair salon in it. It got really detailed to the point where we were actually doing the math. I don't think either of us really thought it was going to happen but it made me realize that I wouldn't mind living with her forever. I never told her this but I really was considering her a serious option in the event neither of us found anyone else to spend the rest of our lives with.

I've told her that I'm aroace and she was cool with that. I suspected that she might be too bc she never seemed to show any interest in anyone just like me and I was hoping she would realize she was aroace too. Today we called and she excitedly told me she got a boyfriend. I was shocked. I guess I figured it would probably happen eventually but even now, I can't imagine it. I said I was happy for her though and listened to her talk about him a little bit before changing the subject.

I don't feel like she's replacing me, she still ended the conversation with "Love you" and I know this boy has nothing on sixteen years of friendship, but I was still shocked. I realized that she might find someone to settle down with and there goes the plan that I've taken comfort in for years. I'm happy for her and I don't feel bad about it right now but I'm worried I'll feel upset later.

Submitted July 7, 2023

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #aspec #aro #ace #arospec #acespec #arose #friends #friendship

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moose-a-licious · 2 months

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Just found out my dad and brother are visiting Erin and I this spring, and my dad wants to give us his canoe.

My mom is too sick to come visit anymore, and this might be my dad’s last trip. He used to be a ranger and firefighter in the bwca on the west end when he was in high school/shortly after, before he moved away from home. When I was born he got the canoe because, to him, it was important that I experience nature and learn from the Earth instead of society. We were never able to visit the bwca together because of health complications, but we have many good memories in that canoe.

Instead of spiraling on what could have been, when we receive that red canoe I want to experience the world. This decision made me decide to start writing trip reports to reflect on.

I want to start with a trip Erin and I took to Ham lake in September 2023.

We didn’t know at the time, but our trip began over a decade ago. Back when our relationship first began, and we adopted baby Link together. I remember being overjoyed at the fact that the date the shelter estimated him to be born on was around the time Erin and I shared our first kiss.

It snowed the first night we brought Link home, he loved watching the flakes. It made me wonder if it was the first time he saw the snowfall.

After adopting Link, I started my physical transition. The day I came out to my mom is etched in my mind.

I was 19 when my mom came home from work one afternoon. Told her I had something to tell her and she should sit down. She stayed standing. I told her that I felt like a man inside (and had for as long as I can remember) not a woman. I had been on hormone replacement therapy for a few months.

My mom sat down.

The reaction she had was not what I was preparing for. I was expecting confusion, possible religious rejection, questions about how that could be possible, does my mom even know trans people can exist? We’ve never talked about it.

My mom never lets her guard down. She carries herself with grace, every move calculated with purpose.

When I looked up at her, her guard was down. The hair at the back of her neck was standing up, her hands were cradling her head, her eyes wide focusing on the carpet, she shook her head “no” with the smallest head shake. It’s fear for my safety.

“No, no, no, no, no.” She whispered, “they’re going to come for you now too.”

At the time, I didn’t fully understand what she meant, and it hasn’t been brought up between us since. At the back of my mind I felt an itch of what it could be though. It had something to do with her grandmother, who my mother told me stories about. My mom’s grandmother was native and went through a boarding school. It had to do with the church too. But, who were “they”.

As my parents dealt with confusion and it seemed like society didn’t want to deal with me, it was comforting to come home to Erin and Link every day. They loved and supported me regardless of how my body changed.

We experienced so much of the world for those 13 years. Then the time to say goodbye came.

On a Thursday evening Link greeted us when we came home from work. Him and I did our daily outside walk routine together, he loved greeting all the resort workers as they buzzed around. He didn’t need a leash, I was faster than him now. I noticed on this walk though, he was a little slower than usual, and he tried veering off towards the bushes near our building- he’s never done that before.

When we walked inside I carried him upstairs, and we looked outside the window together. At this time of day we would watch the birds a bit before I went to make dinner. Today there was another thing new- American goldfinches. They were singing us songs inches away from a tree. I’ve heard them very few times and never from our window, this was a special moment. Link was so happy. I held him closer and whispered to him that it was okay to let go now.

Friday morning I woke up around 330am. It’s hard to sleep through the night these days. I headed to the kitchen to make my first pot of coffee. When I came back, Link was there just like he had been every day since this new morning ritual began. Just like usual, he led me to the bedroom and sat in my lap when I got back in bed. His purrs on my chest were comforting for the next few hours until Erin woke up and we needed to get ready for work.

Erin went first, and after I got up I noticed something. Link wasn’t following me. He couldn’t stand up from where he was laying on the bed.

We made the hour journey to the vet clinic in town. The clinic’s dr moved here from India because he wanted to help a small community in need. Same with the gas station owners. I see them bring their younger family members over here. I think they’re running from the same thing Erin and I are.

Erin, Link, and I looked outside at the trees and birds one last time from the clinic window while the dr prepared things with the aides. Erin’s face was beautiful as they spoke to Link as he sat happily in my arms. I’ve never seen their face look like that in all our time together.

It was the perfect ending to this chapter. We’re so grateful to that little clinic.

This is where our canoe trip begins.

When Link’s ashes arrived, we packed. Our other two little beans were grieving too, and knew we would be leaving them. We had some coworkers watch them and give them love while we were gone.

Our plan was to drive to the boat landing a few miles away and canoe to Ham lake. If we were lucky, we could get the prime campsite on the peninsula. Worst case we’d make a day trip out of it and head home after a picnic.

Pt 1 for photo limit.

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lesbiansgoal · 11 months

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I (19F) Was Outed by the Priest's Daughter (18F) to My Whole Church

This is a very long story with a lot of relevant backstory, so please bare with me.

I(19F) was outed by the priest's daughter (18F) at my church, and I'm still not over it.

It has been a year since my parents found out and 2 years since the rest of the church found out. I know I should be over it, at least a little bit, but I feel constantly anxious and angry about the whole situation.

Before I get into a deep dive of what happened, here's the backstory:

The Priest's daughter at my church, we'll call her L, and I became best friends when I was around 6 or 7. We were inseparable and found any way possible to see each other. We got to hang out every Sunday at church, but we were like sisters so that obviously wasn't enough for us. This whole situation hurts even more thinking of all the fond and happy memories we had. Of course, as most friendships, it became rocky. I admit, I wasn't the best friend in the world to have. I often had severe mood swings as a child and it affected my friendship with L a lot, as well as the other relationships around me. I was deemed as the "weird kid" pretty often because of the culture I was raised in (my mother is an immigrant) as well as the religion I was brought up in. With this, things became worse when a bully (we'll call him X) started coming to our church.

X was very close friends with L's older brother, and soon after became friends with L. X, however, didn't like me all that much. I remember when he'd make fun of me for eating, saying things about how overweight I was (which was completely untrue, I was severely underweight for my age), and telling me to take my "mental pills". My self esteem was crushed week after week, and it seemed the longer this kept going on, the more I noticed L taking his side rather than defending me. However, because I was a pushover, I didn't say much about it and continued being close to her. When X finally moved away after a few years of torment, I felt extreme euphoria. I was so unbelievably happy. But this is where the problems had started.

One day, about a year after X had left, I came to church a bit late and saw L by the doorway with another girl as they whispered to each other. When they saw me approaching them, they quickly ditched their conversation. However, I noticed that something seemed off and asked what was going on. The other girl kept her mouth shut while L told me nothing was happening. I was sceptical, but didn't press much further and waited for Communion. But first, I needed to go to confession. As I stood in the line, I saw X emerge from the altar. I remember how scared I was. I was frozen in place as he made a passing glance at me. After I had a very nervous confession, I ran downstairs and cried.

L's mother saw me and tried comforting me, asking what was wrong and the other usual questions and remarks when comforting a child that could barely breathe between sobs. That's when I told her that L had lied to me and that X was back. She brought L down and she explained to me that she didn't tell me because she knew I would "act this way". L didn't even apologize. I told her I wasn't forgiving her for lying to me, and to leave me alone. This event marked a long period in which L would constantly ignore me, attempt to single me out of every conversation and event, and borderline bully me.

After my mom and the priest found out about the feud, they decided to sit down and talk about it. This, unfortunately, led to a screaming match between them. While my mother tried addressing what was going on between me and L, the priest started blaming me for being tainted (being taught in a public school while his daughter was home schooled) and for introducing the idea of "crushes". I was, apparently, sinful for making his daughter jealous of the pretty dresses I wore and the friends I got to have outside of the church. At this point, our families were at an impasse. The next Sunday, the priest took me into his office and asked if L and I could rebuild our relationship. I remember being hesitant, but eventually saying that I'd make an effort.

I was now in high school and making progress in my friendship with L. Although it was a bit awkward at times, it seemed like we were making progress. Then COVID happened, and we were confined to our devices for interaction. At this point in time, I was in the closet about being bisexual. However, after texting L and getting deep with our emotions, L confessed to me that she had been having "gay thoughts". In an effort to comfort her, I said that I knew what she was going through, that I was bisexual, and that I was there for her with whatever I needed. We then both decided to delete the messages to make sure our parents wouldn't see them. When COVID restrictions were lessened in 2021, L and her family came over to bless our house. When we were alone, I confided in her that I defined myself as pansexual instead of bisexual, to which she nodded and told me she was glad I told her. This happened around February or March.

Then, one Sunday during the Summer of 2021 while my mother was out of the country, the priest asked me to go into his office. He laid everything out about how L had told him I was bisexual. I cried a lot. I had a minor panic attack. I begged and pleaded for him not to tell anyone, especially my parents, but he said "people will learn, OP". I didn't know what to make of this as I was in fight or flight mode, so I didn't question most of what he said to me that meeting too much. I just remember him humiliating me and calling me a sinner. At the end, we treated the meeting like a confession and did the closing prayer.

Fast forward to March of 2022. I was about to graduate from high school and I was extremely anxious about various different things that were going on in my life. It was Good Friday and I was at an evening service when suddenly I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I could barely breathe, think, talk, or control my body. I remember how my hands and mouth were going numb. My dad took me into the car to while my mom stayed behind. She was inside for a very long time, even after most of the other people had left. By that point, I had fallen asleep (or maybe passed out???) in the car. When I woke up, we were at a gas station near our home and my mom asked me if I had ever talked to L about being gay.

We had a very long conversation that night, and I had found out that soon after the service ended, my mom and the priest got into a heated argument about why I had such an awful panic attack. With this, L joined in and yelled at my mother about how I was bisexual and was a sinner.

In the following days, we learned many things:

1. The whole church knew before my parents knew.

2. L had screenshoted my messages, so she had them as proof.

3. I was discussed as if I were a predator.

4. Both the priest and L talked the all of the families about it.

5. They started telling people at the funeral of a very notable church member in the summer of 2021.

I was shocked and heartbroken. I felt truly betrayed, and my family and I decided to leave the church and go elsewhere.

Since the events that took place in 2022, I am no longer religious (though not entirely because of this reason), but I still go to church with my family to support them. I know they adore their religion, and I still find beauty in it, so I don't really mind. I am currently going to college and I have an amazing partner who I absolutely adore with all of my heart. In many areas, I'm thriving. But in some, I still find myself very resentful.

I still see L from time to time, whether it's at school or at work. At first it really bothered me, but I've come to accept that she'll just have to deal with me and vice versa. We live on the same planet, so what's the point in bothering so much?

I was starting to get over this event until recently. I have contact with some friends at my old church, and one of them confided in me saying that L was telling everyone I had "started it". She said that I was the one to blame for all that had happened because I had apparently pushed her to do what she did. Up until recently, I really tried to forgive L. I genuinely thought about reaching out and telling her this. But now there's no way I could ever lower my self worth in order to give her an ounce of pity. She's using this whole situation to put me down and lift herself up.

So, dear readers, thank you for baring with me, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to write out my feelings and version of events. I've kept my mouth shut after all these years, and defending myself feels almost liberating in a way. Thank you.

TLDR: After a long, heated history with my ex best friend (the priest's daughter), she outed me as bisexual behind my back to my whole church.

#wlw #glg #comingout #outing

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gently-decaying-flowers · 3 months

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i wasn’t gonna post this- it’s been in my drafts since like….. early november? i guess i was worried about getting hate, or being seen as rude? i dunno i overthink a lot

alas, multiple people have told me that this is actually really interesting! so i think it’s good to share now

so here we are

i have a strange outlook on personal religion. my grandparents were pretty religious, we said grace before dinner, we’d go to church (but only for easter and christmas) but i guess i never really believed in it because my parents don’t.

i definitely believe there is some sort of god or other force outside of us, whatever it may be. when i was younger, i would “pray” asking for guidance or just for things to get better (this was mostly when i started to get very depressed during 2020, i was also only about 12 at that time)

to be honest, it really helps believing there is something looking out for me. i found comfort in knowing i wasn’t thrown into this to deal with it myself. even now, things get shitty but i know everything happens for a reason. i know im not just shoved out in the universe-

actually, i don’t really see it quite like this anymore…. but when i was younger i used to think about how there could be a specific being assigned to each person. not a god, nor an angel- except i guess that would be the closest comparison. but- it’s like- there’s something here. watching over just you and focusing on you and looking toward your future.

there’s so many bad things that have happened to me that ended up leading me to the most amazing things, things i could only begin to dream of. there’s no way that’s just- chance. i’m not that lucky.

i never told anyone about this. which is why i’m so hesitant to put it out here, but i find it really interesting…

especially now. my grandpa died in 2020. since then- we stopped going to church. honestly the memories tied to it are too much to bear without him.

but every holiday season i start hearing christmas music, silent night especially, since my church used to give everyone their own candles to hold as we sang it together, and i miss it. i would never admit this to my mom- i’m not sure she’d understand.

there’s just a certain atmosphere about it, something about being there. it’s weird too- i don’t really want to participate in organized religion (although i would NEVER reflect that on someone else. if you are involved that’s amazing, and i’m happy as long as you are. my general outlook on everything is: that’s cool for you and i don’t have a problem until you try to make me do something i don’t want to do)

i guess i just like being inside a church. it’s so calming, tranquil. maybe it’s the actual nostalgia tied to it, maybe it’s a connection with how i view a higher power… either way- it’s a non-traditional approach to religion. i hardly think of it as religion anyway… but it’s something that’s brewed in my mind for years and i’ve never really processed it- or spelled it all out before.

#char rambles #tw religious themes #this has literally been in my drafts for SO long

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lacrimosathedark · 2 years

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I don’t think I ever actually put this out into the world, So Imma do it now.

I love that so many JayRoy stories focus on Lian. I love Lian so freaking much. But no one seems to recognize the potential hurt-comfort angst that her current status as Shoes of the Alleytown Strays holds.

So, I have an idea. I hope to write one myself, but if anyone else wants to run with this idea, please let me know. I’d love to read it.

So, I’m not fully up to date on Catwoman, but after defending Alleytown in Fear State, she decided to leave the Strays and move uptown. But she cares about these kids, and just ditching them feels wrong to me.

But there’s another local vigilante who knows what living on the street is like.

He also just happens to be her would-be son-in-law.

So, before fully moving, Catwoman goes to Red Hood and asks him a favor: just check in on these kids every now and then, make sure they’re doing okay. Oh, and there’s also this teenage girl trying to be a vigilante who could do with some more training.

And Jason, bleeding heart that he is, reluctantly accepts. And he meets these kids and they all like him and he becomes their unofficial protector.

He meets Shoes and starts actually training her. He’s impressed by her hacker skills, as well as how agile and fast she is, and just how clever she is. She’s brilliant. He does not like that he is reminded of Roy, who recently came back to life and has not reached out to Jason. (she also sometimes wears a red baseball hat backwards which, y’know, doesn’t help in that regard) When she shows him her mask, he brushes the niggling feeling of “that looks a bit too much like Cheshire, literal assassin” off at first, until she opens up and tells him about her first memory/recurring dream, where she’s saved from a woman in a similar mask before being left on the steps of a Gotham church. And Jason starts connecting dots he’s not happy with.

Maybe he tricks her into giving him a DNA sample, or maybe he asks her as an offer to help her figure out who she is. And, as it turns out, Jason has found Lian Harper! What the fuck does he do with that?

Jason tells her he knows her parents and maybe he gives her the choice to know. Maybe she decides she doesn’t want to know; her family is Selina and Jason and the Strays now, and she still has no memories of her old family. They sort of settle on Jason telling her her first name and telling her vaguely about her family. He doesn’t talk about them much because talking about Roy, even without naming him, still hurts, and he doesn’t want to tell Lian that her mom is, like, evil.

Jason basically just tells her that her name is Lian, both of her parents loved her more than anything in the world, and her dad has probably been looking for her (he may not know for sure because who would tell him? Roy’s not talking to him yet, on page anyway. Would Kory call him? Would Dick tell him in passing? Would Babs tell him because she knows everything?).

Then Task Force Z shit starts and Jason is basically MIA and Cheshire Cat is left to her own devices.

Maybe Jason has to duck out of his Task Force shit for a bit to try to save Lian who tried to do a case by herself and got in over her head and Jason gets to be the overprotective big brother/father he was always meant to be and beats the shit out of anyone who touched her and patches her up while scolding her for not having a backup (and she snarks that he was the back-up plan, and it worked, didn’t it? and he’s fuckin fuming because she’s a smartass and I love her) and just--caretaker Jason is my jam.

Maybe Lian finds out that “her new friend Jade”, also known as Cheshire, who she met in the wake of Fear State, tried to kill Jason and has apparently wanted him dead for a while. And she is angry. Imagine when she finds out/remembers that that’s her mom.

Maybe Roy hears about Cheshire being in Gotham, or maybe he hears that Jason’s been basically off the grid, or maybe Babs gives him a heads-up that Lian might be in Gotham, so he decides to swing by Gotham to look for any or all of them. And what do you know, turns out Cheshire knew where Lian was this whole time and never said a word to Roy. And Roy is pissed.

This could lead to a whole-ass drama. The complicated relationship between Roy and Cheshire is decidedly sour now, but it’s still complicated. What could happen between Jason and Roy after they’ve been out of contact for so long (and Roy basically chose Dick over Jason like everyone else in his life seems to)? What about Lian and her amnesia and her complicated feelings for her parents? What about Lian’s new family with the Strays? How can her new world meld with the one she initially grew up and supposedly died in with numerous superhero “uncles and aunties”? How can Dick fit into all of this to make things better and/or worse (because if I remember right, he was Lian’s godfather, and he absolutely adored that little girl)?

(How can I shoehorn all the other Batkids into this story?)

Bonus points if you bring up Bao Phan, Duela Dent, or Tyler. Especially if they meet Lian. Because give Jason all the kids! Make him worse than Bruce about adopting stray orphans.

More bonus points if you bring in other hero’s kids like Jai and Irey West!

Just, someone please use Stray Lian more. I honestly really love her and would love for her to be used more and actually know her family again.

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anxious-witch · 9 months

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for the fun questions: 9, 19, 21, 35 ^3^

9. tell a story about your childhood

Oh man 😂 I don't have many happy stories but here is a funny one:

When I was 13, I went to a summer camp and one day found a girl I knew from workshops crying there. I didn't know her personally at that time, bc she was a year younger and we were sorted by ages. Long story short, I ended up comforting her and she told me a boy from her year slapped her for being annoying.

Me, being a rage fulled teenager that I was, I marched up to a group of boys and ask which one was so and so and if he slapped her. And when he said he did, I slapped him in front of everyone and said not to pick on ppl weaker than him.

...it definitely spread and I am quite certain my mom had to pull some strings so they don't kick me out bc I was so dramatic I slapped him so publicly 💀 worth it tho.

(I also gained a friend, which is always a bonus)

19. favourite thing about the day?

Except morning coffee? I like when I wake up early enough I don't have to rush anywhere and just combine that kinda hazy feeling of just waking up with knowing a new day is ahead of me

21. are you a spiritual person?

Yes, absolutely! I don'ttalk about it that much on here, but my mom has always been a very spiritual person. I used to go to church when I was younger too, but eventually figured I don't like what they are preaching. These days I believe in more...unconventional things

(I may or may not have dragged several friends into witchcraft and trying to start with tarot)

35. do you trust easily?

Ufff. First instinct is to say no, but it really depends? Funnily enough, I trust ppl I met on the internet much more easily than those I met irl, lmao

#asks #this was so fun thank you!

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disneyanddisneyships · 11 months

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@gyubby99 so I had an idea

Kelly Clarkson made a new song after her divorce and it gave me vibes-

Alastor x OC

This is fluff! No angst! (Kinda) just domestic stuff in heaven with Alaponi/Lillystor and Judy in heaven.

Fair warning,, My version of heaven is where everyone can "live their lives" with happiness and none of the struggles it takes to actually live. And kids that died already who ended up in heaven are able to grow up until a certain point so they too can have some sort of life.

In my opinion, heaven is about happiness and living up to it by being with loved ones again.

It's impossible to know what death is like until it happens, so if this isn't your perception of it, then note that I'm not trying to make you believe what I do, I promise, lol.

Lilly woke up on a Saturday morning in heaven, opening her eyes to see her husband Sleeping beside her.

She smiled and sighed as she looked at him, remembering her new afterlife.

Slowly, she got out of bed and walked through the little house they had bought.

She opened the door to her toddler daughter's room, checking on her.

She smiled before walking over and kissing Judith on the forehead.

In the kitchen she began to hum a tune as she began to make coffee.

Even though she wasn't able to live her life, she fought her way to better herself to make it to heaven. And she did it gracefully.

And now she was in heaven, with the daughter shs couldn't have, and a husband who used to be an overlord of hell.

She got out 3 plates and set the table before beginning to cook breakfast for her little family.

She hummed a tune a bit before she felt arms wrap around her waist.

"Good morning, darling," Alastor muttered as he hugged his wife.

"Good morning my love. I'm making Judy's favorite if you wanna help," Lilly stated with a smile as she turned to her husband.

"Of course! It smells just wonderful, my butterfly," Alastor complimented before helping her with the food.

The phone rang and Aponi walked over to answer it.

"Hello, who is this?" Lilly asked in a friendly tone.

"Hello honey! It's mom. Your father found a sweet little church if you like to come. No pressure, but that's usually where the angels up here go," Deborah spoke on the line.

"Uhhh I don't see why not! I haven't been to church in a while, it would be fun. Is it like the churches from that we used to go to?" Lilly asked.

"Not that I've heard! Your brother and his husband will be there so I'm assuming its okay," Deborah replied.

"Hm... okay! I'll talk to Alastor about it, but there shouldn't be a reason for us not to go," Lilly stated.

"Sounds good! Your brother has a suprise for you in that case!" Deborah chuckled.

"Oh joy. I wonder what it could be," Lilly said, sarcastically.

"Alright well, I'll let you get back to your family. I love you!" Deborah stated.

"Love you too, mom," Lilly replied before hanging up the phone.

"Who was that, my dear?" Alastor asked from the kitchen as he put food on the plates that were on the table.

"My mom. She and my dad found a small church and asked if we wanted to go," Lilly explained as she turned on the water in the sink to soak the dirty pans.

"Ah.... would you wanna go?" He asked as he placed the pan in the sink.

"I'd like to. But if you aren't comfortable with it we don't need to," Lilly answered as she leaned against the counter.

"Oh my dear, I grew up in New Orleans in the 20s! I'll happily go with you and Judith," Alastor replied.

Aponi smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Okay. Well then after breakfast we need to go get Judy a church dress... and maybe me. But I know you have suits, so you'll be alright," Lilly thought out loud.

"Sounds wonderful my dear. Come, let's go wake Judy for breakfast," Alastor stated as the two walked to Judith's room to wake her up.

..........

The next morning Lilly woke up early to get dressed, alastor following close behind before moving to get Judith ready.

Aponi sighed as she put on a purple sun dress.

She smiled as she looked at herself without her demon markings. She was glad she was able to wear her favorite color again without clashing with her own skin.

Aponi got the baby bag ready, and placed it in the car before Alastor walked out with Judith and placed her in her carseat.

"You ready?" Lilly asked as she moved to open the driver's side door, only to be stopped by her husband.

"I will drive today my dear," he stated with a genuine smile as he walked Lilly over to the other side and opened her door for her.

.........

As Alastor parked the car in front of the church, Lilly spotted her family.

"I've got Judith, my dear, go say hello to your family," Alastor stated as he got out of the car and began to get Judith out.

Aponi walked over to her family, giving her father and mother a big hug before moving onto her brother.

"Thanks for inviting us! It's been a while. I'm actually very excited to be here!" Lilly exclaimed with a smile as Alastor walked up next to her, Judith in his arms taking a nap with a little red sundress on.

"Of course! We never spend as much time together as I'd like and.... I regret it deeply...." Deborah stated with a sad smile as she took Lilly's hand.

"I know, mom.... I'm glad both of us are better," Lilly smiled before turning to her brother. "Gabe, where's Rob?" She asked.

"Already inside, saving us some seats," Gabriel replied before reaching out to Alastor to shake his hand. "Good to see you again! I take it you're being kind to my sister?" Gabriel asked.

"I try! It's a lot easier when i dotn have anymore hate residing in my soul, that's for sure. All I have is a family with the butterfly I love, and that's all I could want, nowadays!" Alastor stated with a smile.

"Cmon, we should head inside," Lilly's father spoke with a small smile as Deborah hooked her arm with his.

.............

As the service went on, Judith slowly woke up, and seemed to listen intently to it.

Aponi sat, her legs crossed as she sighed contentedly.

The sermon spoke up.

"And now to finish off our lovely service, we jave a special guest! She came from hell but redeemed herself and made a new death for herself up here, and her family has vouched that she is a fantastic singer! Everyone be kind as we introduce the angel, Lillian!" The sermon exclaimed as he gestured for Lilly to walk up.

Lilly turned to her brother as she glared at him playfully.

She made her way on stage and up to the mic.

"Uh... I would like to say, my sly little brother did not inform me of this," Lilly stated with an awkward smile.

The churchgoers laughed and chuckled.

"I know to some people.... the fact that my husband and I came up from hell is a bit startling.... it was certainly startling to us, but we worked ourselves so hard.. and we fought our inner demons so hard.. and here we are.... I have a family...." Lilly spoked.

She took a breath. "In life, I made theistake of taking my own.... while I knew I had a life inside of me.... and because of that neither of us made it out alive because she was so small that she looked like a bean on the ultrasounds..... and because of that mistake, I ended up in the worst place.... but even though the demons in my head were dancing around, there was one demon there who helped... even though he was dancing with his own demons, he was able to let me go enough so I could become who I wanted to be... and then he did the same for himself so he could be with me up here.... and the life that I held inside of me just happened to be up here too.... and so there she is.... my miracle... with the man who silenced my demons," Lilly spoke with tears in her eyes as she looked at her family.

She chuckled and wiped her tears.

"I apologize. Though all of that was true, I must admit I was also attempting to stall so I can think of a song to sing," Lilly laughed, earning a. Few chuckles from the audience. "Oh i know!" She muttered as she walked over to the pianist and whispered q song into his ear.

The music began to play as Lilly walked back to the microphone.

Buried myself into somebody else Shut out some parts of me Did it so casually

As Lilly sang, Alastor stared at her with a genuine smile, his dark brown hair falling over his face.

I guess I needed that To be able to step back I lived my life without me I never allowed me to

Lilly closed her eyes as she sang. Getting into the music as the happiness she felt expanded in an aura of blue.

Too much I've had to live for Put my life on hold for I'm always pleasin' someone Honestly, now I'm done

She sang as her eyes filled with tears, remembering her past sorrow.

I don't need somebody to hold me Don't need somebody to love me Don't need somebody to pick these pieces up I put together my broken Let go of the pain I've been holdin' Don't need to need somebody When I got me

She sang as she remembered how the key to getting out of hell was forgiveness, not just to forgive other people, but herself as well.

Loved you so much Took an army to pull me up But now on the other side I remembered I could fly

She sang as she felt the area of her wings light up.

Hey were usually invisible, but in that moment, with the love she was feeling, her wings were visible to everyone.

I told you I wanted you But you needed me to need you Your insecurity Was the death of you and me

She sang, a tear rolling down her face as she remembered the relationship she was in prior to her death.

Too many times you questioned What were my intentions I never gave you reasons You're the one with secrets

The church could feel her emotions as they all stood up, some singing along to the song if they knew the words.

As Lilly sang, the room got brighter as everyone let go of their worries.

Judith giggled and danced to the music as Alastor held her, looking at his butterfly with such joy and admiration.

I bet you feel the absence of my love every night There's no one else, you are the reason I said goodbye

As the room got as joyful as it could, it was clear to tell that some of the people here were elwtying go of past hate and sorrow that they held in their selves.

'Cause I don't need somebody to scold me Don't need somebody that hurts me Don't need somebody who feels weak standing next to me I put together my broken Let go of your hand I've been holdin' Don't need to need somebody When I got me When I got me, yeah

As Lilly finished the song, the church clapped for her.

The environment was so full of happiness that it wouldn't be a stretch to say that God was looking down on them himself with such joy.

...........

As everyone walked out of the church, Alastor went to put Judith in her carseat.

Gabriel hugged his sister tightly.

"Thanks for coming today," he whispered.

"Any excuse to see you again, dumbass," Lilly chuckled.

"I know! I'm just so great!" He exclaimed before getting serious again. "Dont be an asshole," he muttered.

Lilly rolled her eyes and smiled before mussing his hair.

"See you later!" Gabriel called as he jogged back to his car.

Lilly turned to her dad, hugging him tightly.

"I missed you, peanut," He stated as he kissed the top of his daughter's head.

"Missed you too dad.... we should all start having family game nights!" Lilly suggested as she pulled away from her dad.

"I'll see what we can do," he smiled before wlaking over to his car.

"I've missed you," Deborah stated.

"I know.... don't worry. We'll see each other more often, I swear," Lilly stated before giving her mom a short hug.

"Hey, bean?" Deborah called out to her daughter using her old nickname.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," Deborah stated.

"I love you too mom," Lilly replied with a smile before hopping into the car with her husband.

#Spotify

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abbacuuss · 6 months

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1. selfie: I'll post one after this.

2. what would you name your future kids? Genevieve and Canderous Scott or Scott.

3. do you miss anyone? I miss my brother, Drew.

4. what are you looking forward to? Just being happy.

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? My mom.

6. is it hard for you to get over someone? Absolutely.

7. what was your life like last year? Full of sickness.

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Yes

9. who did you last see in person? My mom.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings? Yes. I'm a Capricorn.

11. are you listening to music right now? No just a fan.

12. what is something you want right now? Tacos.

13. how do you feel right now? My body hurts.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Its been a while

15. personality description: Sarcastic nerd

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? Yeah.

17. opinion on insecurities. I am insecurities personified.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago? Not at all.

19. have you ever been to New York? I've never been out of the Tristate area.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment? Word up by Cameo

21. age and birthday? 32 and Jan 15th

22. description of crush.

23. fear(s): Death.

24. height: 6'

25. role model: My brother.

26. idol(s): Billie

27. things i hate: myself

28. i’ll love you if… you accept me as I am.

29. favourite film(s): Donnie Darko, original Ghostbusters, and 10 things I hate about you

30. favourite tv show(s): too many to name

31. 3 random facts: I can't roll my tongue, I can't blow bubbles in gum, and penguins have a gland above their eyes that convert salt water to fresh water to see when diving.

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? Girls?

33. something you want to learn: more languages

34. most embarrassing moment: peed myself at a church sleepover. I didn't even go to that church.

35. favourite subject: pottery

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? Be happy, be comfortable financially, treat my mom right.

37. favourite actor/actress: Paul Rudd

38. favourite comedian(s): Gabriel Iglesias

39. favourite sport(s): curling

40. favourite memory: Coming home from the hospital after my blood clot.

41. relationship status: single

42. favourite book(s): World War Z

43. favourite song ever: Pearl of the Stars by Coheed and Cambria

44. age you get mistaken for: 20s

45. how you found out about your idol: He is my sibling.

46. what my last text message says: "nope. Not hurt."

47. turn ons: ask me privately.

48. turn offs: Dishonesty

49. where i want to be right now: Im in bed so...

50. favourite picture of your idol: nope

51. starsign: Capricorn

52. something i’m talented at: making people laugh

53. 5 things that make me happy: my cats, tacos, video games, giving love, and learning new things.

54. something thats worrying me at the moment: my heart.

55. tumblr friends: all of them.

56. favourite food(s): Mexican food, Italian food, American Chinese food

57. favourite animal(s): otters and cats

58. description of my best friend: n/a

59. why i joined tumblr: was reporting e3 back in 2009

60. ask me anything you want: you didn't ask me anything.

#answered #asked #anon #about me

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milkissblog · 8 months

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hey everybody!!

thats a weird ass way to start a diary entry. i can't have a diary because my mom is a little invasive and will for sure read it. theres also this weird little clown pop up on my screen? anyway.

id love love loveee love lvoe more than anything to have a diary. i could paste my little doodles in it like flower petals. and put all of my stickers and pretty slices of papers inside. theres a dog squeaking outside. i don't think dogs should be making that noise. i hope the little guy is ok.

anyway, that was so very off topic. what i was trying to say is that this little blag of mine is sposed to be my surrogate diary. i have this issue online (and even in writing) where i over-perceive myself ("perceive" is a pretty-sounding word. so is sieve.) and my online presence bc its so customizable and because im so disconnected from my sense of self. im a people pleaser even when im writing in a private little diary cause im always thinking, my mom is going to read it, how will this sound to my mom when she reads it, oh god my mom, my mom, my mom (and, to a lesser extent, other people). i hate it. i feel prickled and trapped and smothered sometimes, but dear god i love my mom more than anything. but still, sometimes i feel like im in 1984 and shes reading my thoughts as well as my texts before i can delete them. but also, she pays for me to exist -its a mixed bag with high highs and low lows.

im really hoping that the self-perception thing doesn't happen this time. i hope i can have a better self-concept and be a better person. ive wasted maybe 2 years (i don't want to say that ☹︎) on being rock bottom unhappy, on being filled with hatred for myself, on dreading my own body and face, on corroding and ruminating for too long, until i found myself incapable of loving and v isolated feeling. its an awful way to exist because you deny yourself and other people so much beauty, and because it hampers your ability to really love and be there for other people. i wanna talk about that more (and i spose i can here)

-partially my sadness was/is cause im lesbian and m being raised catholic. ive got a lot of issues to work thorugh hahahaha. or, should i say, teeheeheehee. (LEGALIZE SAYING TEEHEEHEE!!! PEOPLE R SO MEAN AND THEY SPIT ON ME WHEN I WRITE "TEEHEEHEE" INSTEAD OF HAHAHA)

dear god this is very stream of consciousness. well, anyway. i'm not writing it to be read (or at least trying NOT to write it to be read). im writing it to communicate with myself. thats not working very well, i just read through the whole thing again.

i hope this gives me a sense of purity (not like weird sex/virginity stuff, but mental purity, like pure love or pure salt or pure vinegar, with no issues, just clear and soft and good) and of self, like prayer. id probably believe in god without the church and them being mean to lesbians and girls and non catholics and so many other ppl and whatnot bc i love to think that love inhabits everything and i sincerely deeply in my little heart of hearts think it does. i think i might believe in god??? i don't know. i am trying my best pookies.

im a girlblogger cause im a girl!! also im sincerely really trying to be okay and happy. and maybe be buddhist? i got this lovely slim little book by a buddhist monk thich nhat hanh called "true love" and i want that. i want to be a good kind person to myself and everybody else. as karissa love (she is my comfort youtuber and i adore her v much) puts it, i want to radiate love. that sounds a little crazy but perchance i am a little crazy.

perchance.

also, darn it, i cursed. ive decided im sposed to not curse, so that when i do people are very shocked like "wow omg she said f*ck??? she never says f*ck!!!" and think its a big deal and everything. i could also swear tons so ppl think im tough, but i don't want to scare anynody and i curse like a toddler bc im so out of practice. oh well.

anyway thats the first entry! hello world!! i hope im ok and that this helps me.

mwah

#first post #girlblogging #blogger #diary entry

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infinitelytheheartexpands · 1 year

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no because one of the assumption asks i got recently is still on my mind so i wanted to make a longer post about it.

i was raised in nondenominational (btw: that’s really just “evangelical” but with a fancier label) churches from 0 to 17. (my bio mom, with whom i have not had a relationship [by my choice] since i was 13, and her family are catholic, so i got the most basic catholic things drilled in my head early too, but that’s neither here nor there.)

i learned all the basics and i quickly became very legalistic about religion, to the point that when my first grade teacher said that cherries were tempting or something like that, i refused to eat cherries for several years because i thought that satan would get inside me if i did. (i also thought for a long time that if you committed crimes/got put in jail, you wouldn’t go to heaven, which was a separate issue.)

for a while in 2012, i was even in talks for baptism.

but starting around late 2012/early 2013, i started questioning whether god even existed at all. and i was terrified out of my mind. i didn’t tell anyone about it, but i did tell people that i didn’t want to get baptized right away anymore.

i went back and forth on the issue for a while. i searched for the divine connection that everyone around me in church and at christian summer camp seemed to have except me, and i didn’t find it. not there.

because i could no longer believe in that church, this evangelical way of living that perpetuated so much hatred and that made people feel horrible for who they were and who they loved and that supported hateful people and ideas.

and then a bunch of personal and worldwide shit that i’d honesty rather not get into happened between 2018 and 2020 and i was left asking “why??? god, why???”

so i left it altogether. or rather, i deconstructed it.

and at the same time, i missed the divine. in spite of everything, there was a part of me deep inside that still believed there was a god who was in everything, a god of supreme goodness and love who loved everyone and someday would make everything make sense and make everyone happy forever. i believed the whole world had a divine current running through it, and i—fucked-up as i was—was somehow a part of it. i still prayed under my breath and never abandoned the most core tenets of the faith in which i was raised.

i’ve been struggling to find my way back, to find my place, a place that would take me as i was: fucked-up, questioning, unconventional, wanting to go deep, living on simple love and scraps of faith and wanting to do something good for my fellow travelers of all kinds on this earth.

to love with the greatest love and to realize that everything is a miracle, that everything has a spark of god in it.

i recently found a church community very different from what i knew growing up, an episcopal community, and i instantly fell absolutely in love with it. for the first time i’ve felt truly welcomed and loved and connected in a religious community. i’ve been encouraged to ask all the questions i could ask, and been comforted that questioning and not knowing all the answers doesn’t mean i’m a bad person or bad at faith. i’ve felt close to god here. it feels like a family and i look forward to being there.

it’s incredibly inclusive: the church has a rainbow-colored sign in the lobby that has a list like “all colors, all genders, all sexualities, all abilities, all ages” and on and on are welcome there. i’ve watched them not just talk the talk but walk the walk. i went to a meeting recently where outreach efforts were being discussed, and several minutes were spent discussing details about how to plan and schedule a fundraising dinner for supporting afghan refugees so a muslim speaker wouldn’t miss their prayers. some of my best friends to this day are muslim, and even something seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things like that means a lot of me. and that’s one example, and not even the only one from that meeting.

i’m still unpacking my trauma and questions, and that will take a long LONG time, and i know there are some questions i have that i probably will never have answers for. but i’m slowly piecing together faith again. i’m healing. and i’m excited about what’s to come.

#about me #personal time i guess #deconstruction #reconstruction #religion #religious trauma #listen there’s a lot fucked up in modern day christianity #i just want to love. i want to love everything and everyone. i want to be a better person. i want to have faith and live it out.#because i’m pretty sure that that’s what we’re supposed to do and this is my way of doing it i guess

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 10 months

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hi! uhm, this is my first ask in here, so i'm sorry if i say something too bad!!

i'm gonna sign as 🎀 so i can find this later if thats okay..? also english is not my first language! :/

tw: guilty tripping, religion trauma, mother issues, domestic violence

for context: i'm 19 and i live with my mom and my brother. my whole life my mom was all about guilty tripping me and my brother to do everything she wanted, to obey her, and she basically did everything she could to control us. also, i'm agnostic. I don't believe in god and i grew up in an evangelical house, and my mom is pretty radical about it. she's not a homophobe or anything, but still, she wants me to convert. i've gone through a lot of churches trying to find myself, but I've never felt comfortable in any of them. i felt like it was a duty, and i don't believe in all that stuff about humiliating yourself to serve a god that is going to take everything from you if you're not on his side.

now for what happened yesterday: my mom found somehow found out that i'm agnostic, but she doesn't believe in it and said that i'm an atheist. she called me in her room to say that i shouldn't doubt on god's benevolence and that i'm going to regret it. that i belong to him, that he owns me and that he's going to put me through hell and back so i can crawl back to him when i'm miserable, and that she's going to laugh in my face when that happens. she said that she's always praying for oir family but she can't do it when i'm the one bringing all the bad stuff inside our house. when she said that i just couldn't believe it. i feel like i really am harming my family by not believing in god, and now my mom is treating me like shit because i didn't fold to her wishes. I don't want that hostile environment between us, but I also don't want to leave my beliefs aside just to make her happy. I don't know what to do, i just needed to vent.

i'm sorry if that's too long, but thank you for your time. ):

Hi 🎀,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's been going on.

Please know that your mom shouldn't force or pressure you into being a certain religion and should respect any religion you choose to follow. Pressuring someone into a religion isn't going to make them want to practice it, if anything it can make them even less inclined to believe in it. If Christianity isn't clicking for you that's okay and your mom shouldn't be trying to make it work anyways. She should respect your difference in belief despite how passionate she may be about hers.

The hostile environment between you two is not your fault so it is not your job to fix. Continue being yourself and believing in whatever makes sense to you. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw religious abuse #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #🎀

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an-angel-in-the-garden · 10 months

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Not All Lost. Hifumi Togo x Male Reader

Notes will be at the bottom. TW: Reader gains a shadow, mild violence, mention of assault, self doubt and loathing, harsh language and somewhat dark content. This is hurt with comfort so nothing major but if you're in a bad headspace it might not be great to read, Comfort is in part two. Other than that please enjoy. PS more under the cut because this got long. It is in fact two parts but don't worry I already have it written up~ The under the cut part is in Hifumi's pov.

Falling in love had never been expected. It was easy to go on with life without needing to think about anything like that but meeting Hifumi changed everything. Smart, pretty, kind and quick witted. Hifumi was many amazing things wrapped into one amazing person and somehow she'd become my friend. We couldn't meet up often at first, she was often very busy with shogi practice and her competitions but she still made time for me. Maybe that's when it all started. The warmth she brought with her was always welcoming and talking with her was easy, we found a few common interests and could talk for hours about what we loved but I never wanted to say anything.

By the second year of us knowing each other things started to change a little. We grew closer and hung out more, talked more and Hifumi seemed to grow even happier upon meeting new friends as well. A rag tag group of people from Shujin and another student from Kosei. After it was revealed that her mom had been staging her matches it seems she become friends with them all, it was nice seeing her so free and happy but I couldn't help but notice a sting that followed anytime I saw her with one of them. It was a feeling better left ignored.

Maybe I should have seen it coming, maybe I should have realized that holding in my feelings would only hurt but I didn't. There were many times that I wanted to tell Hifumi how much I cared about her. To be able to say at least once " I like you." Instead I would back out. My mind wandered from one scenario to another about why it just wouldn't work. From not being smart enough or not having anything that would stand out when next to her it was only thoughts about why I would never be enough for someone as good as Hifumi Togo. As the doubt grew so did the uncomfortable feeling I got whenever I would see her friends, even Yuskue who was a classmate. By the time I noticed it was a problem I had already started pushing people away, hiding away from my own feelings for the sake of just keeping her close but that wouldn't work forever.

Hifumi Pov

Things had begun to change recently. It started off with a classmate of mine. We'd hardly spoken at this point but he seemed nice enough it was pure coincidence that we met at the church that day. He talked to me first, asking if shogi was fun and from there we began to hang out. He became someone I looked forward to meeting even if my day had gone badly he was someone I called a friend. Matches between us started to become common and eventually we would meet up on weekends or go out after school simply because we could. It was fun.

That kind of joy only grew when I met Akira and the Phantom Thieves. Like Y/n I met Akira at the church, he wanted to know if I could teach him shogi. So we began to hang out at least twice a week and eventually I learned of the Phantom Thieves. It's not like he hid it very well but until he helped me I struggled to believe it. However, being freed of my mothers control and being able to take control of what I loved again was nothing short of amazing. So I wanted to help.

At first it was just continuing my lessons with Akira and then the other thieves. Soon I was joining them for meetings when we learned I to could go into the strange world of Mementos. With everything happening me and Y/N hadn't seen each other as often but I thought nothing of it. Until he began pushing me away. It started small, I would ask if we could meet up and he'd be busy. That's normal but soon he couldn't meet up at all. I'd see him sometimes near the church but it was like he couldn't bring himself to approach me anymore. I tried once but he left with some excuse that I knew right away was a lie. He started acting more nervous, like he was always stuck in his own thoughts and I just wanted to help so I checked the metanav. I hoped, more than I thought I would, that nothing would show up. At most maybe he'd just have a shadow but no....it was a full blown palace. The phantom thieves should know, I should tell them but I couldn't bring myself to. Before I realized it I was already standing outside his palace. Walking a few steps in the door slams behind me and I decided there's no turning back.

The palace was cold and dark like no light could seep in no matter where you where. A chill had settled within the building and nothing seemed to warm the place up, every step made the cold more unbearable and impossible to shake off. Long corridors seemed never ending and rooms changed at will. It was almost like the palace owner didn't want to be found. Weirdest of all was the lack of shadows. Sure there had been a few at the start, so easily dealt with using her rifle and persona but after that it was nearly empty. Normally places like these are swarming with shadow but here they only appear at dead ends. A hallway suddenly stopping or a staircase that leads to nothing, there's only one path. It's hard to say how long She'd been walking around but she finally found a long spiral staircase to take. No shadows in sight and the only sounds coming from whatever was waiting at the top, Hifumi began her walk.

So that's it for part one! The next part is the Comfort and good feels after a bit of sadness. I haven't really written anything in a while but I do hope this was enjoyable. Look forward to the next part, thank you for reading. ~ Lilly

#male reader #reader x #x reader #reader insert #reader imagine #persona 5 imagines #persona 5 x reader #persona imagines #persona x reader #hifumi togo x reader #hifumi togo x male reader

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 1 year

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Scared of Leaving?

HWDYKYM got this in our ask box about seven years ago:

“I’m a second gen from Australia, and I’m currently questioning the beliefs and customs of the unification church. I just wanted to ask, when you left the church, did you feel scared at all? Did the thought of ‘what if all they taught was right’ ever cross your mind? I’m currently stuck between leaving the church or staying, and am currently exploring other more ‘normal’ religions. Many thanks.”

I decided to share this with some other second generation who left the church and here are some of their responses:

I legitimately wondered if I was going to get struck by lightening or run over by a car for the first year or so. My mom had had a spiritual child that left and then drowned a few months later, so as a kid she drilled into me that that’s what happens when you leave. Plus I was terrified to tell people about where I “came from” because I thought I would be judged or thrown out (like in so many establishments on STF) so it took me a long time to develop my family of choice.

When I was younger I had told my parents that I wanted to explore other religions, and they all but forbid me from doing it. They explained that since they knew that following the church was the right path, there was no point in me exploring others. My response was, “Well if it’s right, then there’s no harm in looking elsewhere, because I’ll obviously find my way back,” but they wouldn’t have it. Whether out of fear or just plain stubbornness I still don’t know. To me that is evidence of the total control the church exerts over its members. It forbids them to have empathy or open-mindedness, and it prevents them from experiencing all the goodness this world has to offer. The Divine Principle teaches that the purpose of life is to attain happiness, and I was anything but happy in the church. Yes I terrified for months before and after I “left,” although I can’t pinpoint an exact event or time. It was more of a series of lifestyle changes that gradually brought me away, but also made me happier and improved my quality of life. As things got better, my fear eventually subsided. My advice? Go explore! Committing to a life of faith is a big decision and should be taken seriously. Land in a place where you are comfortable to be free, express yourself, and explore your unique potential.

I always come back to this answer to the original question: ‘If your parents got to choose their own faith that their parents probably didn’t agree with, why can’t you?’ Isn’t that part of growing? Would they have discovered the UC if they didn’t explore other religions, different from their own parents’? Also the “pure blood lineage” scenario runs through some sects of the Jewish, Muslim, and basically Judeo-Christian teachings, so the UC is not special in that sense. That’s how the church kept me in fear of disbanding. It’s a false-privileged old way of controlling someone, and it’s the very definition of conditional love. I would let this person know that practically all of 2nd gens I know have left the church, because we found that the world is bigger than the narrow confines of the UC. It’s okay to question things just like Martin Luther did with starting the Protestant Church, and Rev. Moon did with the UC, and what the Pope is doing right now.

Something I find comfort in is the idea that good people are good people, that goodness is goodness, regardless of affiliation or belief. It’s your character and your actions that matter, that determine the quality of your life and the impact you can have on the world, much more than your creed. Even the DP teaches that people with good hearts are the ones actually closest to God, rather than “whitewashed tombs” of people who claim the truth. Even if it turns out that you’re “wrong” in what side of the fence you decide to jump down on, it doesn’t really matter as long as you live your life well. It’s hard to know or sure what’s true. We just have to do our best with whatever knowledge and certainty we do have. If there is a Heaven, I think all the people who are truly loving, generous, and courageous are the ones who will end up there – be they atheists, Hindus, Mormons, or even Unificationists.

From a young age, I knew the cost of being a Unificationist was big, especially if you really believed in it. I’m not one to half-ass anything, and if Moon was the messiah, I wanted to get matched by him, do at least two years of STF, convert all my friends, make the Principle known, create a perfect heteronormative family under the reign of Cheon Il Guk, and pay indemnity for my Japanese sins. But for some reason, I was always suspicious of it all. I felt like I didn’t have enough reasons to believe. I would do conditions of 210 bows for 40 days, cold showers, fasting, etc., to receive an undeniable confirmation that Moon was truly the Lord of the Second Advent, like the myths we heard from early UC history. Nothing ever came. What kept me in for so long was the fact that I never experienced a love like I did among church members. That was my testimony and the reason I put my faith in Moon. Eventually, when I discovered the atrocities done in the name of Moon and by Moon, especially after I read Nansook Hong’s book “In the Shadow of the Moons” I knew I couldn’t stay much longer. I was scared of leaving because of my parents, of course, but also because I thought I’d never have friends like I did in the UC. We constantly heard that rhetoric that friendships outside the Church are pointless and what BCs share is unique, etc. After I left, though, I developed deeper friendships than I had in the church. I had friends who loved me no matter what my views on spirituality were and loved me when I fucked up and I found out what true love—that unconditional love we were told about at camp—was really about. I somehow ending up forming convictions in God, Jesus, etc., that I couldn’t ignore, and despite my cynicism and fear of organized religion, I ended up in a progressive Christian community that could support me in my faith (and me with theirs) and live out these convictions presented by Jesus together. All that to say, it may be really hard leaving, but it will be worth it. Explore your convictions, your ideas, and be the best you. It fucks with Moonies’ heads when they see somebody so clearly living out true love and not buying into their crap—and outright rejecting it.

First I would tell he or she that “religion” should not be perceived as a social group that one just joins. Even though, that’s basically what it is on the surface. You should look deeper inside yourself. Find something you truly believe in. For me it’s God. I’m not religious. I’m spiritual. Which is something all religions can help you discover within your self. But you should not have to need/depend on a religious group to find/keep your spirituality. I mean that’s just my perspective. Just be an open person. Be infinite. Take everything in. And live your life. I was horrified at the beginning. But then you’re just free. And that’s awesome.

I was afraid whenever I’d go against the church’s rules, but I found that more often than not I wouldn’t feel the repercussions of sin that were promised. The more I went against the church, ultimately the less afraid I became. There was a lot of questioning and doubt, I certainly wondered what would happen to me, and what if they were right. I think it’s good to seek out truth for yourself. Ultimately if you find the church is your answer then you can go back. They’re desperate for more members anyway.

While I was questioning my beliefs, I felt a lot of shame and guilt about being ungrateful for TP, and doubting them so much. I feared God would be disappointed in my lack of faith. But the more evidence I found that the faith itself was inconsistent and false, the more boldly I was able to think for myself and discover who I am. It’s terrifying at first to think that everyone you know and all the adults you’ve looked up to are wrong. But it also gives you freedom, when you can ascertain your own beliefs instead of just checking in with what “Father says”.

There are a million and one religions that purport that they are “right” and “the one”. I don’t think God (if you believe in God) would screw the rest of the groups based on what religion they belong to or what specific traditions they encourage, but rather the love we offer to others. Isn’t that unconditional love?

For me leaving the church was a very big deal. I would say that the fear was more to do with losing something I had invested my time, energy and person into. Eventually the cognitive dissonance becomes too strong and the overwhelming conclusion that what the UC teaches is not true just becomes your new normal. The process is real, it takes time though. Joining other religions can help as a kind of a ‘step down’. I’ve explored a few Christian churches and found that in some circles, having been part of another religion that I believed in and left, has made me far more skeptical than most of the congregation. In others I’ve met people who have had a similar journey from conservative faith into something more complex (and liberal).

Not so much fear for me. Maybe little fleeting twinges of it early on. But it was a slower transition and more gradual over time which I’m sure made it easier. Two points to remember: 1) I’ve never seriously considered that I could permanently lose my relationship with my mother. We’re related by blood. We disagree at times, but if anything threatened my life. She’d only be closer to me, no matter what had divided us. She’s my mother. She loves me. How much more would that apply to my father in heaven. Who not only gave me physical life, but a spiritual nature as well. 2) Would it make sense, if you invested in my business, that I would tell you… "Don’t trust information from anyone else but me. Because only my information will help you understand my stock and make the right choice about investing in it. The more you trust my information, and ignore all other information, the better financial decisions you will make!” That doesn’t work for ANYTHING you can name in life! The more diverse information you receive, the more thoroughly you will understand something, and the better decisions you will then make. So why is it that the ones who claim to have the highest, most important truth want to prohibit you from getting information from anyone but them? What are they afraid of? People that have FACTS on their side, never fear any information that would seem to contradict them, because if they have enough facts on their side, they can easily handle any challenge offered. But the UC fears such challenges, and wants you to believe that being fully informed is even “evil” and can undermine the supposed greatest truth there is! But that is ridiculous of course, seeing as how, in ANY question in life—finances, house purchasing, medical issues, intimate relationships, science… ANYTHING… the more informed I am, the more thoroughly I understand something, the more I can make the best informed decision! Hope this helped. God bless!

Fear is not a good reason to stay in the UC

Indemnity is a Moon Trap

conformity

Bending Truth – Cognitive Dissonance

Sun Myung Moon’s theology used to control members

Fear and Loathing at Cheongpyeong

Where Sun Myung Moon got his theology

The Korean background of Sun Myung Moon’s church

The Moon church is unequivocally not Christian

#2nd gen #Unification Church #leaving the UC #Sun Myung Moon #Hak Ja Han #Family Federation for World Peace

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