#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hoe4sports · 1 month

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Ruesha Littlejohn | “Your love lifts me up like helium.”

A/N: Just wanted to do a little something with this song. Listen to it if you’d like, it was the inspo for this piece of art.

Trigger warning: Depression like feelings, mentions of feeling like there is no hope. Mentions of ending life. Panic attacks.

Two days prior to this moment, the Republic of Ireland had touched down in Australia. We had a week before the actual fifa program would start. It was great as it gave us time to explore as well as getting to know the humid climate down under. The practices were going great, and I was trying to fit in as much touristy things as I could. Ruesha on the other hand, had seen Katie and Caitlin Foord walk out of Katie’s hotelroom together at 5 in the morning leaving the gorgeous blonde once again crushed to pieces. And how was I doing you may wonder? Well, me and Ruesha was sharing a room. I weren’t getting much sleep, and for all the wrong reasons.

I was woken up just after midnight by Ruesha’s crying. “It was 6 years of my life” Ruesha sulked as I tried to comfort her again. She was leaning against me while we were both camping out on her bed. “6 years I’ll never get back..” she kept going. “Nobody is ever gonna love me like her, I’m too old now” she said as she sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeves. “Ruesh, you’ll find someone” I said as I yawned. “What if she also cheats? I’m pathetic. I’m never gonna be enough for a lifetime” she sulked as I rolled my eyes. “Okay, maybe little Rushie needs to go to sleep, yeh? Here, I’ll help you.” I mumbled as I forced her to lay down on the soft mattress. “Sometimes feelings get bigger at nighttime. That’s why you should be gettin’ some sleep” I said as a stroked her hair. I tried to stand up slowly as she closed her eyes and her muscles relaxed, only to make it to the end of my bed before she started crying again. She hadn’t slept alone for 6 years, and for the last week she had been sleeping next to me. “Okay, pretty girl, how about we sleep next to eachother eh?” I said as I scooted in and held her as her sobs quietly stopped. She was fast asleep, even snoring as I kissed the top of her head. “I’m gonna get you through this Rushie”

The next nights were followed by the same crying, only it was escalating every night. Sobbing turned into crying turned into hysterically crying. Tonight was night 7, and tomorrow we were playing against Australia and Katie’s new girlfriend. Ruesha had skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner today, and I was worried. Her normally bright eyes were tired and heavy. Her clothes fitting visibly looser now than just 7 days ago. “I’m never gonna be happy again” . That was the first sign of her nightly crying. “Nobody will ever love me again, I’m unloveable.” she continued. “I don’t have a house, a job or even a girlfriend anymore” I sighted as I could hear her starting to rumble. “Ruesh, I think you need to see a psychologist.” she looked at me with fear in her eyes and she snapped immediately. “I don’t need no psychiatrist or whatever!”. She crossed her arms, and looked like I had just offered her drugs. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” She shouted as she threw a pillow at me. I couldn’t stand it anymore seeing as I was getting 3-4 hours sleep every night because of McBastard and her new toy. I turned my back towards Ruesha as I fell asleep covering my ear with a pillow to dim her cries.

I was woken up violently two hours later by Ruesha being out of breath. She was hyperventilating,ugly crying and was hysterical. She was screaming and wheezing at the same time shaking as if her last day had arrived. I assessed her for a few seconds to figure out what the hell was going on. “Rushie?” I asked carefully as she looked desperately at me. Oh my, she was having a full blown panic attack. I hopped out of bed and sprinted across the room to get to her as quickly as I could. I sat myself behind her and held her tight trying to decompress her. “Breathe Rushie, take a deep breath.” I encouraged as she shook her head. I had panic attacks as a young teen, and I used to drink something to get it to stop. I desperately looked around me, and grabbed the closest bottle I could find as I took the top off it. “Here, drink Ruesha. It will help, I promise!” I said as she shook her head once again. “N-no!’ I’m n-not! I-I-I don’t deserv-“ she cried as the panic continued and took over her breathing. Jesus, Katie has ruined her making her believe that she didn’t deserve fucking oxygen. “Hey, hey, you, come here Rue rue” I said as I sat myself infront of her. “Touch my hands please” I said as I reached out my hands. She grabbed my hands quickly as she panicked. “Squeeze my hands, as hard as you can” i commanded and she squeezed. “Now, put your hands on your head” i said as I demonstrated the movement hoping it would open her lungs up. She moved her hands and placed them on her head while still desperately trying to catch her breath. I scooted closer to her, so we our noses touched. “Ruesha, it’s okay. It’s just a panic attack. We are gonna get through this.” I said as I stared into her stunning eyes. I couldn’t even imagine how her eyes were so beautiful even at her worst. I reached out and pulled her into my lap, as I squeezed her hard moving the attention away for the breathing. I stroke her back with decent pressure and kept forcing her to breath in a square. After a few mins of breathing together, she calmed down and flopped toward me. Her body starved of energy. We sat there in silence while I held her tight.

“Rue?”

“Mm?”

“We are gonna get through this together. I’m not leaving you, ever.” I said as I kissed the top of her head. “But tomorrow morning, we are going to talk to the coaches about this, okay?” I said as she nodded and laid down.

She turned herself towards me laying in my warm embrace her face close to mine as she fell asleep. I waited a good 30 minutes before I dared to fall asleep fearing that she might start panicking again. I spent the time admiring her features. I could tell if even one freckle had moved. She was just so beautiful. When she slept soundly, I allowed myself some rest. But before i fell asleep I touched her peaceful face. I leaned in towards her ear and whispered;

“When you hit the ground, I’ll be all you need Rue. I’ll love you everyday.”

*Ruesha pov*

I woke up at 7.30 confused. What had happened last night? I was confused as it hit me as a train. Panic attacks. Crying. Feeling like I didn’t deserve air. I turned around in the single bed finding Benedicte holding me as she slept soundly. She had been my bestfriend forever, even before I met Katie. I admired her before touching her face. It was first now that I noticed how beautiful her face was. Tan skin. Light pink full lips, all natural. Her light blue eyes shut as she slept. I decided to hold her as she turned around in her sleep as I realised that she had slept less than me as she was trying to fix what Katie had broken. I leaned in towards her ear and whispered; “Your love lifts me up like helium. I love you, B.»

Perhaps if I practiced while she slept, then I might work up the courage to tell her one day..

#woso imagine #ruesha littlejohn #katie mccabe imagine #Spotify

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sequinsmile-x · 1 year

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Emotional Motion Sickness

Emily takes the kids to the park, and things don't go to plan.

-x-

Look I don't know where this came from. I was in a car by myself for 8 hours today with nothing but my thoughts, and wrote this in a services station and then when I got home.

So...here we are haha

-x-

Words: 3.5k

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Emily yawns, rhythmically patting her daughter’s back as she slept against her chest, the newborn right in the middle of her morning nap. Sleep had become a rare commodity in the Hotchner household for everyone except Evie and Jack, the decision to make the young boy's bedroom the furthest away from theirs seeming smarter than ever now the baby cried throughout the night. Emily was the most tired she had ever been, but also the happiest. The most anxious. The most afraid she’d somehow get it all wrong. Her hormones made everything feel sharper, more intense than she thought was possible. Moved to tears over the tiniest thing that she would have once gotten mad at herself for.

“Emily,” Jack says, appearing out of seemingly nowhere next to her on the couch. She winces, wondering if it will wake Evie, and she briefly pauses patting the baby’s back only for nothing to happen, so she carries on, “Sorry.” He stage whispers, almost talking louder than he had done before.

“Nothing to apologise for sweetie,” she replies, smiling at him, “Are you ok?”

“I’m bored.”

She smiles sympathetically at him, immediate guilt that she was somehow letting him down flooding through her, “I’m sorry, what do you want to do?”

He looks like he’s really thinking about it as if he hadn’t walked into the room with a plan. A tactic that Aaron liked to claim he’d picked up from her, adamant that he’d never done it before she joined their family.

“Can we go to the park?”

She hesitates, immediately feeling absurd for the brief anxiety that floods through her at the mere thought of it. Evie was only three weeks old, a tiny dot of a thing who only slept in the arms of one of her parents, or secure against their chest. Aaron had only just gone back to work this week, and Emily found herself grateful that the team hadn’t caught a case yet, that she was still yet to spend a night alone with both kids.

“Jack…”

“Please, Emily,” he says, his eyes wide, almost cartoonish as he silently begs her “I’ll be good.”

“You’re always good, honey,” she replies, adjusting Evie against her so she can reach out for him with one hand, ruffling his hair in a way that never failed to make him laugh.

It wasn’t that she couldn’t manage taking Evie out without Aaron around, she knew she could. But everything felt new. Things she’d done countless times before were the same but different, new things to consider now she had a tiny person utterly reliant on her for absolutely everything. She thinks about saying no but then feels guilty as Jack looks so hopeful at the prospect of it, of getting out of the house for an afternoon. He’d been so good since they’d brought Evie home, understanding that she needed more attention than him at times. So she smiles at him as she adjusts her hold on the baby, and she nods.

“Of course sweetheart,” she replies, “Just as soon as your sister wakes up from her nap.”

The beaming smile that spreads over his face is worth all the anxiety that bubbles in her stomach.

___

She can’t help but smile at the sight of Jack running around with a few other kids, his laughter letting her know she’d made the right choice to come here despite her initial reservations. Jack kept running over to her every few minutes to check on her and Evie, clearly taking Aaron’s comment as he left for work to look after them to heart.

She hears a familiar cry coming from the stroller next to the bench she’s settled on, and she immediately looks at her daughter, standing up so she can lift Evie into her arms. She kisses the side of her head as she sits back down, holding her close.

“You’re ok, sweet girl,” she says, kissing her head again, “You’re probably hungry, huh? You’re always hungry.” She adjusts her shirt and bra, and smiles as Evie starts to eat, scrunching her nose up slightly at the still, at times, strange sensation.

Once she’s satisfied Evie is ok she looks back up to check on Jack, pleased to see him still having fun. He looks over and waves at her, and she makes sure Evie is secured to her with one arm before she waves back, silently letting him know they were ok.

“Excuse me, ma’am.”

She looks up at the sound of a stranger's voice, unconsciously holding her daughter a little closer as her eyes meet those of the man standing over her. His eyebrows furrowed together, his fury easy to read even if she wasn’t a profiler.

“Can I help you?” She asks, ensuring to keep her voice even.

“You shouldn’t be doing that in public,” he replies, his frown somehow deepening as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Doing what?” She asks, and he frowns pointing at Evie nursing, and Emily can’t stop the scoff that escapes as she realises what he’s talking about. Irritation bubbling under her skin at the absurdity of it. “Feeding my baby?”

“There are children in this park,” he says, pointing towards the group of kids that included Jack, and she nods slowly.

“I know, one of the ones over there is mine,” she replies, vulnerability spreading through her despite how she stands her ground with him, her cheeks close to burning with embarrassment she refused to feel, knowing she had nothing to be embarrassed about. “I need to feed her.”

“You should at least cover up,” he demands, pointing at Evie, who was still blissfully eating, the soft touch of her hand against Emily’s skin one of the only things keeping her grounded.

“Do you cover your face when you eat?” She asks, her anger briefly getting the better of her, “Maybe you should,” she mutters as she looks back down at Evie briefly before looking at him again, not allowing herself to be phased when he stands a little closer, his jaw clenched.

“What did you say to me, you bitch?”

“You need to back off,” she says, staring him down.

“Why?” He smirks, looking her up and down, “What are you going to do about it?”

“You’re lucky I’m holding a baby, or you’d already be on the floor wondering if you’ll ever be able to have any of your own,” she replies, her mouth working quicker than her brain, sounding much more sure of herself than she felt. She was highly aware that if she stood up too quickly she still winced, her body still recovering from giving birth less than a month ago.

He looks shocked by what she says and scoffs, “Some mother you are,” he practically spits at her, his disapproval clear as he shakes his head as he walks off muttering loud enough for her to hear, “Disgusting.”

It takes a moment for her to realise he’s gone, only snapping out of it when Evie pulls away from her, grunting as she does so, the noises quickly turning into a cry. All of the fight, the anger, drains out of Emily all at once, replaced by the familiar anxiety that she was doing this all wrong, sadness creeping up the back of her neck.

“Sorry, baby,” Emily says, adjusting her clothing as she rests Evie against her shoulder, gently rubbing circles on her back. She swallows thickly around the lump that has formed in her throat, and she turns her head to kiss the side of Evie’s, “Momma is sorry.”

She hears the familiar sound of Jack’s sneakers hitting the path and blows out a steady breath before she looks up at him, forcing a smile she’s sure even he can see through.

“Are you ok Emily?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing in a way that makes him look exactly like Aaron. “That man was shouting so loudly I could hear him all the way over there.”

“I’m fine sweetie, I promise,” she replies, feeling the shake to her smile as Evie burps against her, “We’ll go home soon though, ok?”

Jack nods slowly as if he doesn’t believe her, before he walks back towards his friends to say goodbye.

She cries the moment they get home, Jack distracted by a video game he usually wasn’t allowed to play in the middle of the day and Evie fast asleep in her arms.

___

Aaron can tell something is wrong as soon as he enters the house, a slight tension in the air that immediately makes him worry. Guilt that he was home later than he would like settling over him as he looks at the dishes from dinner in the sink and half a casserole that Jessica had made and put in the fridge on the counter.

Emily insists she’s fine, despite the obvious sadness shining in her eyes, and the tension in her jaw. She hands him Evie almost as soon as he puts his bag down, going for a shower and some much needed time alone.

He smiles down at his daughter, her wide dark eyes staring up at him, and is once again overwhelmed with the love he feels for her. He lifts her up so he can kiss the dark hair on top of her head, the scent of the baby shampoo that he’d watched Emily agonise over in the store in the weeks before Evie’s birth filling his senses.

“Come on princess,” he says, settling her into the crook of one of his arms, his hand underneath her as he makes sure her head is supported by his elbow, “Let's go see what your brother is up to.”

He heads upstairs to his son’s bedroom and knocks on his door before walking in, smiling at Jack sitting up in his bed, a book in his lap.

“Hi Dad!”

“Hi buddy,” he says, walking over and sitting on the edge of his bed, “Evie insisted on coming to say goodnight before your bedtime.”

Jack rolls his eyes at him, somehow looking exactly like Emily as he does so, “Evie is a baby, Dad. She can’t talk,” he hesitates for a moment before looking back up at Aaron, “Where’s Emily?”

“She’s just in the shower,” Aaron answers, not missing how nervous Jack looks, “Is everything ok?”

“She was sad earlier,” Jack replies, frowning at the memory of it, “We went to the park, and I was playing and I heard a man being mean to her.”

Aaron tenses as his suspicion about something being wrong is confirmed. He clenches his jaw as anger floods through him at the mere thought of it being down to a stranger.

“What did he say?”

Jack shrugs, “I don’t know, I just heard him yelling. And you and Emily always say we should never yell.”

Aaron chuckles slightly at that, “You’re right buddy, you shouldn’t. And you said she was sad?” He says, gently prodding for more information from his son, wanting to make sure he could talk to Emily about it with as much information as possible.

Jack sighs, looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, “She cried when we got home,” he explains, “I was extra good all evening though, I promise.”

Aaron shifts forward to pull his son into a hug, “I know, buddy,” he says, smiling at Jack when he pulls away, “Thank you for telling me.”

“We’ve got to look after Emily and Evie,” Jack says seriously and Aaron laughs, knowing his wife would kill him if she found out that's what he’d told their son.

“Exactly, buddy.”

___

She feels better after her shower, her muscles and her mood soothed by the hot water in equal measure.

She dresses into her pjyamas quickly, smiling as she hears Aaron speaking to Evie through the closed door of the ensuite. The deep timber of his voice had the same effect on their daughter as it did on her. Comforting and calming, a balm to anything that hurt her. She dumps her towels on the floor instead of hanging them up to dry, not caring that Aaron would surely comment it later, needing nothing more than to be with them.

Aaron turns to look at her as the door opens, a soft smile on his face and Evie in his arms.

“Look Evie, it’s Mommy.”

Emily smiles and walks over to them, leaning against Aaron as he wraps the arm he isn’t holding the baby with around her. He kisses her forehead as she puts her arm around her back, smiling down at Evie.

“Is she ok?” Emily asks, gently tracing a finger over her daughter’s cheek.

“She’s fine, hasn’t made a noise once.”

Emily chuckles humourlessly, “Good to know it’s just me she does it for,” she pulls back to look up at him, stamping a quick kiss to his lips before she pulls away, “How was work?”

“Boring without you there,” he replies honestly, watching as she sits on the edge of the bed, “How was your day?”

She freezes slightly, not missing the almost over the top curiosity to his voice, “It was fine. We went to the park.”

He waits for a moment, but he knows she won’t tell him. That if it wasn’t for Jack it was unlikely she’d ever tell him what happened at the park.

“Jack told me you were upset,” he says carefully, he looks down at Evie and sees she’s asleep, so he carefully walks over to the bassinet on Emily’s side of the bed and lays her down as he continues to talk, “Something about a man yelling at you?”

Emily sighs, her elbows dropping to her knees as she leans forward, “Jack told you?”

Aaron joins her on the edge of the bed, close enough that she can feel him, but he purposely doesn’t touch her.

“He was worried.”

“It was nothing really, it’s fine,” she says, smiling tightly at him in an attempt to brush it off that she knows won’t work as she’s saying it.

“Em.”

He doesn’t say anything else, simply waiting her out. He knew he had already pushed enough, that she needed to tell him the rest on her own terms.

“I was feeding Evie,” she says quietly, clearing her throat as she does so, frustrated at herself for the way it immediately feels tight, and for the tears she can feel pressing at the back of her eyes, “And this guy had a problem with that.”

“He what?” Aaron asks, his anger rising, the thought of someone daring to approach his wife and speak to her like that enough to make him want to hunt him down.

“He told me I should cover up,” she smiles at him, and it shakes a little, “So I told him he should cover his face.”

He chuckles at that, shaking his head at her, “Sweetheart.”

“I can assure you, I wasn’t wrong,” she quips, her smile genuine for a second before it fades again, her chin trembling as she prepares to tell him the rest of it, “And then he called me a bitch and said I’m a bad mother.”

He’s so angry it takes him a few seconds to realise she’s started crying, snapped out of his silent fury as she leans forward and presses the heels of her hands into her eyes as she tries to stay quiet, not wanting to wake up Evie.

“Oh sweetheart,” he says, pulling her into him and enveloping her in his embrace. She curls up into his side, her face pressed into his shoulder as she grabs a fistful of his shirt, anchoring herself to him, “I’ve got you, I’m right here.”

It takes a few minutes for her to calm down, and when she does she barely pulls away, moving just enough to wipe at her face.

“Fucking hormones,” she gripes, “I feel like I cry at everything,” she wipes at her face again, “I cried at how cute she looked in that outfit Penelope got her this morning.”

He smiles softly, kissing the top of her head before he grabs her chin, tilting her head so she’s looking up at him.

“If I was there I’d have killed that guy.”

“Good thing you weren’t really,” she replies, cupping his cheek and running her thumb over his skin, “I don’t fancy being a single mother whilst you’re in prison.”

“I’d have got away with it,” he grumbles, and she chuckles at him, her eyes still shining.

“If it makes you feel better, I did threaten him and his ability to procreate.”

He smiles, shaking his head at her, “That actually does make me feel better,” he pauses, simply staring at her for a moment before he carries on, “You know he’s wrong don’t you? You’re an excellent mother. The best.”

Her smile shakes again as she shrugs slightly, “I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I’m just making it all up as I go. When Jack asked to go to the park earlier I almost said no, because I was unsure about getting them out of the house by myself. I used to be a fucking spy, I worked undercover for years, but all of a sudden I can’t get a baby and a kid out of the house without doubting myself. It’s ridiculous.”

“Em, sweetheart, you were still pregnant a month ago. You’re adjusting, and we’ve barely slept in three weeks,” he tucks some of her hair behind her ear, “You need to stop being so hard on yourself.”

She nods, smiling as he leans forward to kiss her forehead, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replies, kissing her forehead a second time, hoping that pressing his love directly into her skin would go some way to making her believe she deserved it, “And so do the kids. They’re both lucky to have you as a mother.”

She groans as she pulls back, sniffing as she lightly slaps his shoulder, “For fuck sake Aaron, I’d only just stopped crying.”

___

He is still furious the following morning. Righteous anger thrumming under his skin, the need to protect his wife, his family, fuelling the fire. He immediately goes to Penelope’s office, his briefcase still in hand as he knocks and pushes the door open.

She turns around, her eyes wide as she takes in the sight of her boss, his expression somehow sterner than usual.

“Hotch? What’s wrong?” She asks, rolling slightly closer to him on her chair. “Is this about the background check I did on Henry’s new karate teacher? Because I-”

“No it’s…” he drifts off, briefly distracted by her words registering in his head, “Should it be about that?”

Penelope stares at him for a moment before shaking her head. “No. Definitely not.”

There’s a beat of silence before he carries on, choosing to ignore what she’d said. “There’s a park near our house, can you check to see if you can get CCTV from there? At about midday yesterday.”

“Of course,” she turns back to her computer, a curious look on her face and typescript furiously, “what am I looking for?”

“Emily took the kids yesterday.”

“Oh, how is my adorable little niece doing?” Penelope asks, flicking through CCTV cameras until she lands on one that’s positioned over a bench, Emily and Evie in full view. “There they are,” she says, cutting off any opportunity for him to answer her previous question, “They are so cute.”

“Can you fast forward a little?” Aaron asks, a smile flicking across his face at the blurry footage of his wife and their newborn daughter. Emily’s care and love for Evie clear even in the slightly distorted images.

“Of course,” Penelope says, her curiosity deepening as they watch Jack run back and forth a couple of times before a man neither of them recognises walks up to Emily as she holds Evie to her chest, obviously feeding her.

“That’s it,” Aaron says, grateful when Penelope pauses the footage, “Any chance you can get his info?”

Penelope nods, “I can do anything,” her eyes flick back and forth between Aaron and the screen, “What did this guy do?”

He sighs as he stands up, clenching his fist at his side as his anger flares up again.

“He upset her,” he says, playing it down a little, knowing his wife wouldn’t thank him for telling anyone that she’d cried, twice, over the incident, “He shouted at her for feeding Evie in public.”

Penelope’s mouth hangs open, her outrage clear.

“That jerk,” she exclaims, her eyes narrowed as she turns back to the screen as if her disdain would be felt by the man. “Want me to destroy his life?”

Aaron smiles at that, “Not quite that extreme, but…” he leans in, as if he could be overheard, like allowing himself this definite abuse of power would get found out, “maybe make things really inconvenient for him for a couple of days.”

“Consider his credit cards blocked and his phone out of service,” she says, turning back to her computer as she types with purpose.

“Thanks, Garcia,” he turns to leave, before stopping to look back at her, “And-”

“It’s just between us, Sir,” she says, winking at him before she goes back to the job at hand. He nods gratefully at her before turning and leaving her office, feeling much better than he had when he arrived.

It’s the only secret Penelope Garcia ever keeps.

-x-

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fungiac1d · 1 year

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The House of Lamentation.

Mammon x gender neutral mc.

TW: trypophobia (mentions of holes in the skin), cannibalism? Demons eating humans. Mc is dead but not really (free interpretation), religious themes.

Summer mornings always work the same for me; the sheets stick to my body and I slowly get away from them, meanwhile the streets are completely silent. In summer people left the neighborhood because they had holidays, the birds don't sing since s long time, cars rest... I get up and I lay on the couch, closing my eyes, my mom hums while she cleans. I know all her songs.

This morning is quite different, after liberating myself of the sheets a cold sweat ran down my back. I got out of my room bare footed, my mom's eyes smiled at me more than usual. There wasn't music, just an intense noise coming from my inside; it has been years since I heard such a strong buzzing, it stifles my skin, it sings.

I looked at my mother and I went to the bathroom, my flesh burnt and I couldn't breath: singing, right in my stomach, all my body vibrates with it.

Then I went to the empty street, with the sleeping cars; I thought about the day before and hands, that like the sheets, stick to my tights. In summer everything remains dead, the grannies won't go to talk in the street because there is too much sun. Maybe the hands were a had dream, the asphalt amplifies how hot it is and it envelopes everything, the street is narrowing.

I think about the birds singing, I think about a world with noise which wouldn't be empty like the broken melodies of my mother's humming.

I walked until I found a small river, one I haven't seen ever. I wasn't afraid so I sat in the humid earth to get my foot in the green water, down to my knees. Then I looked at my hands, waiting for them to grow big, emaciated holes, but nothing happened.

I thought that because I saw a hive, big and overflowing, bleeding on the river where my foot rested. For a moment I wanted to open it a go inside, since I can't become a hive; I think someone opened me too and something came inside, now it's making noise so I'm never lonely again, it overflows my mother's songs.

If I'm dreaming where will I wake up? In my bed? In my father's bed? Will I be twelve again? I think there has never been a river here, I think something bad has happened.

What if I open the hive? Will all the stingers break my skin? When I was younger my parents took me to lakes so I bathed and had fun, showing the world my sun kissed belly, I look down at the river. How would it feel? To drown in honey? My organs suffocate under the noise, my skin cries and I think: there has never been a river here, or a hive, something bad has happened.

I kept walking until I reached a home, there was a man outside, his skin is rich and sun bathed, with shining eyes, he looks at me, flooded with curiosity.

—What are you doing around here?

—I'm lost.

—Then you are in the right place.

—Am I dead?

The question makes him burst out laughing, his laugh is the first thing to sounds real since I got up.

—Don't worry your pretty head over that—he gets up and walks over to me—here is all you need.

I look over to the huge victorian house.

—You want my soul?

His eyes shines.

—Your soul? Aren't you a little dumb?—he flickles my forehead, smiling—you need some rest, don't you?

When we get inside, he shows me a room. My own, he says.

—This is not only my house, but the guests too. It has a life of it own.

The walls get colder.

—What's is name, then?

He throws be a mischievous smile before answering:

—I like to call her—he caress a wall, smiling, his teeth are precious like small drops of milk—the Hose of Lamentation. It will give you anything you want.

I slowly lay down on the bed.

—Now sleep, there is so much waiting for you.

Before falling asleep I think about going back home, or to the river.

He closes the door.

The next time I open my eyes I'm still here. He is already waiting for me.

—So what do you want to do, little boring thing?

—Is there a garden?

—Let's find out.

There was a garden. He holds my hand softly, all the flowers are unborn yet, I caress the prick.

—Will you stay?

I only nod, afraid of saying the truth: I don't think I can go back.

—Good, you'll get used. The house is amazing, there is a casino in the basement just for me! It gives you anything—he gets closer to me, I can smell him—and you will be ok.

And I believe him, just like that, his name sounds weird and heavy on my tongue but when he says mine is like a soft eater flow running down.

—Are you sure I'm not dead?

For the first time, he looks at me with a more serious expression. He has a little smile dancing on his lips, I think he is very beautiful, I like his eyes, does he like mine too?

—Does it matter? If you are dead?

—I guess it doesn't.

As days passed I found myself growing more and more comfortable, the food was unique: my grandma's cookies, that cake which made me so happy in my birthday... For me, we are the only ones in the house, I don't see any guests.

He is soft with me, he watches me sleep sometimes and when I wake up he is still there, as if his day started when mine did.

He might be a little rough or hot headed sometimes but when he looks at me in the morning, with a mix of awe, affection and need, my bones move and ache in all my body.

[Then let me eat your heart, Ophelia, which shed my tears.]

The story goes like this: it's one of many nights, he looks at you. A fresh wound, pink and shining, water falling, needles.

The only meaning of pain and love is that they are endless, and the only comfort to this is their own eternity.

He looks at you knowing that time is running up, what is a body? A broken plate, a shattered shell. He gets closer but he only smells his own hunger, feeling his heavy tongue: hunger emanates from it own self, like pain.

But he has been wonderful for you, you got all you wanted and needed. Slowly getting to your soul and desires.

This night is different, because you wake up noticing how close he is. His eyes are shining, liquid gold.

You think about his teeth, small, pointy, there are so many, they are precious like milk drops. The loneliness in your house also comes to your mind.

The house BUZZES and you know that it will devour you. Is the payment for the company, for the cookies, for a cake of your eleven birthday.

Once again you look at him, and the necessity bleeds inside of you, you want more. Is not enough with the walks you wake, or with the way he looks at you sleeping, you need more.

He reeks like hunger, but not the one that makes your tummy ache and your mouth salivates, he craves your necessity, your avarice, the happiness you hold because you have everything thanks TO HIM, to the HOUSE, you feel like a fish, with your soft belly exposed to a fork and a knife, exposed to his teeth.

So you bring your hand up, closely followed by the volcanoes of gold that are his eyes, your insides scream. But you touch his lips softly, waiting for his mouth to be opened and you think: Jesus body is the bread, his blood is the wine.

When the mouth opens you pass your fingertips through the teeth, pearls, it's a humid mouth, warm, the tongue gets closer to your phalanges and you think: the bacchae kills a small mouse, to eat it's raw skin, cleaning it's little bones. That mouse is God, we eat God.

The house keeps buzzing, exactly the same way your insides did that morning when you got up.

His jaws close up around your hand and you scream, this is all you have ever wanted.

#obey me fanfic #obey me shall we date #mammon x gender neutral reader #obey me x mc #mammon avatar of greed #om! mammon #mammon angst #mammon x mc #shall we date mammon #obey me #house of lamentation #obey me house of lamentation

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allthewriteplaces · 5 months

Text

Magnolia in May ~ Chapter Seven

Chapter Summary: After returning home from the picnic, Thomas invites Jessie to dinner while the children are spending time with some friends.

Chapter Warning(s): Mentions of the war, nightmares, PTSD

Word Count: 3227

Chapter Seven

As soon as we got home, and while the children were with Miss Milligan, I retired to my room, and sat down on the mattress with my pad and pen. I’d written a letter to my family back home, telling them everything that had happened. Long paragraphs about the kids, the things we did, the games we played and the picnic; I told them about the house, how it looked like a fairytale mansion, and about Thomas — I didn’t write much about him, because for some reason I thought they would start teasing me about him like they did whenever I talked about Django.

I saved those thoughts for my diary, where I kept all of my most private and special thoughts. I flipped through it, reading the last few entries I wrote. This one in particular was quite colourful. I was surprised how harsh and scribbly my handwriting was and how hard the pen pressed into the paper.

Friday, May 16th 1930

Miss Carleton came to visit today to check up on the horses. I was looking forward to meeting her because I’d heard things about her. Good things.. But when I introduced myself to her, I got the sense that she didn’t like me very much, even though she never said so. And for some reason, when I heard she was staying the night, my throat tightened and my cheeks burned, almost like I was angry. Great, now I know what they’re up to in there.! It shouldn’t be a surprise to me, and I don’t mind Miss Carleton, maybe I’ll go to sleep and maybe I’ll tear out this entry in the morning.

I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me that day, but I was completely over it now. I thought about tearing the page from the journal, then decided against it, because it would be a challenge since all of the pages were hand-sewn into the leather. I didn’t want to ruin the other pages. This next one, I noted, was more light-hearted.

Saturday May 17th 1930

Mrs. Shelby (Lizzie) dropped by for a few minutes and announced that she was taking Ruby and Charlie to the pictures.. I was surprised when she invited me, too and she explained that because I was the governess, I was now a part of this family. We all loaded into the car and headed to the theatre. Tonight, they were showing a Chaplin film that was made ten years ago, The Kid. I think I cried a few times. Because when it was over, Ruby told me my eyes looked puffy. It was a nice experience and I want to do it again sometime.

Sunday, May 18th 1930

It doesn’t feel real yet. I keep thinking I will wake up back in my bedroom at the cottage. Ruby and Charlie Shelby are perhaps some of the sweetest children I’ve ever met, they even took my coat the day I arrived. I am thinking about taking them on a picnic tomorrow. I don’t think they’ll say no to skipping school for one day. I haven’t told them yet, though. I need to check with their father first. I am sure he won’t mind, but still, I don’t want to sneak them out and cause him to worry.

Then, opening to the next empty page, I wrote:

Monday, May 19th 1930

The picnic was a success, just like I thought it would be. Earlier, Mister Shelby invited me to have dinner with him tonight. I don’t know how I should do my hair, what I should wear — why am I so nervous? My stomach hurts, like I am about to expel all of my lunch. It’s not as if we’re going to be doing anything other than eating, or so he says. I will probably let you know how it goes later.

As I wrote, I could sense something blooming between Thomas and I. A friendship, maybe more, and tension building between Miss Carleton and I, because she didn’t like me. Was there a good reason? Had I said something or done something to offend her? Or had she gotten it in her mind that I was one of Mister Shelby’s mistresses and was jealous? When I thought about those subtle glances he threw at me during mealtimes, or when he stood in the doorway and watched me play with the kids, I wondered if there was something else there, or just my imagination running wild again like it always did.

Capping my pen, and after putting my diary away, I heard a soft knock at the door. Thomas looked over at me with a smile, leaning against the doorframe of my room. The sight of him standing there with such a warm, gentle expression on his face once again made my heart flutter softly. “Will you still be joining me?”

“Give me an hour,” I said. “I need to find something nice to wear.”

“Everything looks nice on you, love,” he replied, his tone playful and fun as he flashed me a cheeky grin. I could tell he was already beginning his flirting, his playfulness and charm on full display, and I couldn’t help but find myself swept up in it all. His sense of humour and cheeky nature were incredibly lovely, and I felt so happy to be around him. Without another word, he shut the door tightly and I was once again left alone with my thoughts.

I had done a pretty darn good job convincing myself that it was nothing more than friendship because that was all we really could be. The selfish part of me wanted to tell her not to get her hopes up too high because I had an inkling that he and Lizzie could get back together — and I was hoping they would because I liked Lizzie — I don’t think Miss Carleton was in love with him anyhow, so I don’t think it would have affected her anyway.

At last I was ready; the two of us made our way down the hall feeling the anticipation building up inside me, and some worry, too. My throat tightened a bit and my stomach felt tingly and nauseated as it did my first day of school, or my first day sitting in the Church with Albert and Eliza. I had spent time with a boy before, but for some reason, this was different. My heart pounded against my ribcage. I was nervous, excited, and a little bit scared.

We reached the downstairs hallway as the sun was going down, a violently red and purple sky behind the hills and treetops, and then stopped when we made it into the dining room. It was dark, save for a few candles that had been lit on the table. I found it beautiful and incredibly romantic. I wondered if he’d done the same for every girl who stayed over at his place, but immediately shoved it away while we sat together, and ate the meal the cooks had prepared. I didn’t want anything to ruin this night.

“That was nice,” I said and his soft blue eyes met mine as he smiled. It was now nine o’clock. The time seemed to fly by; the hours felt like minutes and the minutes felt like seconds. The sun had completely set now, and darkness had begun to cover the inky black sky, and I could almost see the stars in the distance. Looking downwards, I tried my best to stifle a yawn.

“All the fresh air must have tired you out. Fair warning, if you ever head into the city, just know that the air is always polluted with chimney and cigarette smoke and smells like rot and alcohol more than eighty percent of the time. A lot of unsavoury things happen there.” He laughed softly, and changed the subject slightly, “I wish we could do this more often.”

“Have dinner together? All you have to do is say the word, Mister Shelby.”

“I wish I could, and I wish I could spend more time with my children.”

“You’re doing your best,” I said, trying to provide some comfort.

“Lizzie was a good woman, didn’t deserve —” His voice caught. He cleared his throat and ran a hand across his face. I saw that same, deep sadness that I saw when he talked about being in France, but this was a little bit different. “She didn’t deserve what I put her through. The lies, the secrets. I tried to keep them safe, to ensure that they would have everything they needed if something were to happen to me, but it turns out it was me they needed, not the money, not the house. And I failed them.”

There were tears in his eyes now, real tears. Thomas Shelby wasn’t a man who showed his real emotions in front of anyone and for as long as I’d known him, he always seemed to have everything under control. He was the one person that everyone else in the family looked up to for answers — besides his aunt, Polly — all of the solutions to the problems and strategies on how to win at each game their enemies threw at them. He’d always planned everything in advance, and if one plan failed, he always had a backup. Emotions were to be set aside and logic was supposed to guide him in every decision he made, but sometimes, no matter how deep below those emotions were, they always broke through the surface, gasping for air.

Just as he was. He was a fish trapped on land, trying to breathe.

“John, Grace, Danny, Freddy, Ben, Bonnie, even the horses. Everyone I touch either ends up dead or hurt.” Thomas shook his head, trying to stay composed. Then he stood up from the table, the legs of the chair grading harshly against the wooden floors. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pinned this all on you.”

“It’s alright. I’m always here to listen if you need someone to talk to.” I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay and that maybe Lizzie would come around once the dust settled and she was given time to sort through her own feelings, but at the same time, I knew those words wouldn’t ease the tremendous amount of guilt he carried with him wherever he went.

“Run,” he muttered, so softly I barely heard the words he was saying, “while there’s still time, before you end up getting hurt, too.”

I walked over to him, tentative, yet determined. I stood in front of him, seeing the stains on his cheeks and his puffy eyes. “Listen to me. If I wanted to run, believe me, I would go right up those stairs, hair flying, heart pounding and I would be out the door before you could even utter my name. But whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me, come hell or high water.”

A sad smile came onto his face. His hand reached up to brush against my cheek, his thumb wiping away my own tears. I’d started to cry, too, but I didn’t know it. He pressed his forehead against mine. “Thank you. For today, and for helping me forget.”

I nodded. His breath fanned against my lips. I knew he was going to kiss me, but suddenly, he stepped back, reached a hand into his pocket and then he seemed to cheer up a little bit. “What is it?” I asked.

“The kids are back.” He excused himself from the room. When I followed him down the hall towards the front entrance of the house, out the window, I saw Johnny’s vardo and Thomas carrying a sleeping Ruby in his arms as he came back in with Charlie, who looked just as worn out from their day of fun.

“Jessie, guess what?” he asked, his eyes were bright and his cheeks were flushed. “We had a big campfire! And we raced sticks in the river. Except for Ruby, she didn’t race sticks with us, but she sat and played with dolls with the other girls.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but she almost fell in,” he said, “I told her not to play too close, but she didn’t listen. Luckily it wasn’t too deep, so she didn’t drown, and me and the other boys managed to help her out.”

“Goodness!” I exclaimed, still keeping my voice down so I wouldn’t wake her up. Thomas was worried for a moment, too, and looked over at his daughter. Her pretty black dress was a bit wet, he noted, and so was her hair, but all of that worry faded away when he saw that she was safe and sound.

“Well, you’re a good big brother, looking after your little sister,” he whispered, rubbing her back. Groggy, she opened her eyes and looked around, but he quickly stroked her hair, easing her head back down on his shoulder. “Shh, you’re home sweetheart, Daddy’s got you. Charles, you go with Jessie, get ready for bed, yeah?”

Charlie nodded and reached for my hand. I took it and he eagerly followed me up the stairs into his room to get ready for bed. He fell asleep by the time his head hit the pillows, and when I softly closed the door behind me, and made it down the hall, even though it was only half-past nine, I was getting tired, too. I made it to my room and wrote a short update in my diary before I crawled into bed and buried my head into my pillow, and descended into the realm of dreams.

I was woken up by shouting coming from out in the hallway. I wanted to convince myself that it was nothing I needed to worry about, but my curiosity and my natural instincts to protect people kicked in. Without hesitating, I stood up and raced down the hallway until I found the door to the primary bedroom. It was wide open, perhaps in case Ruby or Charlie needed Thomas in the night. When I peeked inside, I saw him thrashing around and kicking at the bedsheets. He let out a series of frantic and fearful cries, a pained look on his face as his eyes remained shut and he continued to breathe very heavily until they snapped open and he sat upright. His breathing was erratic and he was shaking.

This wasn’t a nightmare, this was more like a night terror. My uncle used to have them when he came back from the war. Being on the frontlines or deep in the trenches changed a man and he was almost never the same when he came home. He looked around the room and his eyes landed on me, on the candle in my hands. His own hands gripped the mattress until his knuckles turned white and panic swirled in his eyes. I set the candle on the bedside table and sat on the edge, close to his head. I placed a hand on his brow and felt a cold sweat.

“Where am I?” he asked, gasping for breath.

“It’s alright, Thomas,” said and placed one of my hands on his chest, feeling his heart pounding underneath my palm. I realised I had just addressed him by his first name, but either he was in too much of a state to notice my slip up, or he genuinely didn’t care. His chest heaved up and down and the more panicked he looked, the more worried I became. I brought him into my arms, rubbing his back as he continued to shake. “Shh, it’s alright.”

I tried to remember the things Eliza would say to calm Albert down, but my mind was scrambled, so for a moment, I just sat on the end of his bed, gently rocking my body left and right, rubbing his back and running my fingers softly though his hair, anything I knew would help. He held onto me for dear life, his tears and sweat soaking through my chemise and his hair tickling my exposed skin.

“You’re home now, Mister Shelby. You’re home. You’re in England.”

“Home,” he echoed, still struggling to catch his breath. “Home?”

“Yes, home. Remember we went on a picnic and saw the ducks? The kids were so excited to have their daddy come with them.”

“My children. Where are my children? Where are Ruby and Charlie?” The fearful look in his eyes was still there. A look of pure terror. I could only imagine how terrified he must have been, and what sort of twisted things his mind conjured up.

“Charlie’s asleep in his bed, and Ruby is asleep in hers,” I assured him. I knew there were no words that could ever erase the pain completely, but I continued to hold onto him, saying whatever random nonsense came to my head to try to bring his mind back home. Slowly, but surely, his breathing slowed down, as did his heart rate. His grip on me loosened and he lifted his eyes to look at me. He looked exhausted.

Walking across the floor, I went to the cupboard and opened it. On a high shelf were some various bottles of alcohol, small ones, and some glasses. Normally, I didn’t recommend drinking, smoking, opium, or what people were calling ‘snow’ as a remedy for any sort of illness, especially one that ailed the mind, but this was definitely one of those nights and he needed something to calm his nerves and ease his mind. I took one of the bottles, read the label and then poured a small amount into the glass.

“Here, take this. It will help you relax a bit.”

Wordlessly, he took the glass from me and in one breath, managed to drink the whole thing. Then I encouraged him to lay back down against the pillow as I dabbed a cold cloth against his forehead.

After a while, he was quiet again. He laid still, his chest rising and falling slowly and his eyes becoming heavy. He wasn’t sweating anymore, which was a good thing, and when I asked him if he felt dizzy or nauseous, he shook his head, meaning the storm was coming to an end. I started to stand and go out the door, but his hand reached for my wrist and clutched it gently. “Stay.”

I paused where I was and then looked at the bed. What would happen if the kids needed me? Would they know where I was? Surely Frances wouldn’t approve, even though she didn’t seem like the type of person who voiced her real opinions out loud, but then I remembered when she mentioned Miss Carleton and her obvious distaste for her. I didn’t want any sort of tension between us, so maybe I would just keep this between Thomas and I.

There was plenty of room for me on the other side to sleep. There was also a comfortable-looking chair near the window with a blanket on the back of it. In the end, I chose the bed. I slid into it. His eyelids drooped just a little bit as he looked at me. I laid down, feeling the soft satin material of the pillow beneath my cheek. I watched him for a moment until mine began to close and I fell asleep again.

TO BE CONTINUED

TAGLIST: @zablife @runnning-outof-time @izabesworld @sherbitdibdab (Comment if you wish to be added!)

#peaky blinders #thomas shelby #peaky blinders fanfic #thomas shelby x oc #tommy shelby #cillian murphy #tommy shelby x oc

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facelesspassport · 1 year

Text

on Older Women

I am just thinking about all of the old women I have met who are coupled with men. Absolutely none of them are happy. I wonder how many times I have sat at a family dinner table to see the woman of the house not eat a single bite off her plate? How many times have I stayed over someone's house to see that their wife is having trouble sleeping and no one cares? I cant even count. Older women put up a front to their acquaintances, put on a smile for their friends, and put on a brave face for their children. But when they know they have nothing to prove to me they will vent about how they are lonely and hurting. During the day they will put on the show of a happy housewife and come nightfall they will admit to me that they feel that they have wasted their lives. What bothers me most is not that these women are struggling but that their husbands will never show even an ounce of concern for them. Never. When I spend weeks or months around older couples who dont know me well I always hear subtle cries for help from the woman. A woman will casually mention that her husband doesn't value her, that he's "just a man" and that she cant expect much from him, that he looks at younger women, that she hates her body. . It's almost as if she is hoping I will finally be the person to say "Come on, lets go somewhere safe". I wish that I could but I dont have the resources to take care of anyone besides myself. Whenever I suggest that perhaps she leave her prison alone, she panics. "What will my husband do without me? Somebody must take care of him. What will become of me if I leave? I don't know a life outside of this". She will talk herself out of it, and the next morning she will pretend the conversation never happened in an attempt to distance herself from it. I think that when we are younger we have this strength in us that lets us have standards, but when we get older- after all the abuse- we end up having to convince ourselves that life is okay. Something breaks in us, I don't know what. I hope I never find out for myself.

#feminism #feminist #ramblings of a lunatic #womanist #womanism #old women #female hysteria

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arishah97 · 7 months

Text

Blog

Xe begged me to stay, and with tears in my eyes, I left anyways.

Its been a while since I wrote one of these. Things have been going okay. My work hours have massively expanded and I now work a fulltime job. 9-5. Every weekday. Goddamnit, but humans were never meant to do this shit. five days a week? 40 hours a week? insane.

Never thought the shift from 6 hours to 8 hours would be that much, but it feels like the life is being squeezed out of my fucking soul. fuck capitalism. not that my job sucks that much. I mean, I work at a fucking desk. I dont have to do hard labor or something like that. Its just work.

Things got strained between me and her. I had less time. she was more stressed. and nothing was official.

My friend turned 30. we've been planning a trip to vegas for a while now. I went. and then my dating profile went crazy.

Yeah, I was still on the dating apps. fuck me i guess. is this cheating? i dunno. It feels like emotional cheating. But she was the one who wasn't ready for me. I can't possibly be expected to stay faithful and wait for her. Is that fair to me? i dunno. fuck.

I got a lot of matches in vegas, but 2 significant ones. one night i nearly went over to the first one's. just straight up went over to someone's house who i had never met. It was probably a bad idea, and I'm infinitely grateful for the people who stopped me that night.

The second one... ah. We made plans to meet up for a date. We flirted. We bantered. God, xe was beautiful. Xe was amazing too. We met up. I showed xe my std paperwork, xe showed me xyrs. We went out for Thai. Xe bounced around happily as xe sat. Adorably cute.

We ordered an ride to pick up protection and then go back to xyrs place. goddamit. xe said that xe was mine. xe gasped and moaned and panted beneath me. xe said xe was my good girl over and over and over again.

I said that xe was mine. I couldn't stop talking about xyr toned legs, xyr amazing ass, xyr beautiful waist, xyr beautiful tits, xyr cute face. Xe had a body like a succubus and xe tempted me. I was smart enough not to promise anything to xyr.

Before we even started xe asked if we could still keep in contact after this was all over. I had to say no. It broke my heart but I had to say no. I had to stop myself from saying xe was mine forever. I said xe was mine, but never forever. I had to stop myself from saying I was xe's.

While we were taking a break and cuddling, xe mentioned that if I wanted to stay over, xe would have to go to the couch, as xe punched and kicked in xyr sleep. I told her I didn't care over and over, but xe said that xe felt bad if xe hurt other people, so I relented. I'll never forget xyr face as xe loomed over me, grinding into me as I cupped xyr chest and pulled.

At the end of it all, I admitted to xyr that of all the people in the world to be my first, I'm glad it was xyr. Apparently, xe was under the impression that I was experienced, which was super funny.

I began to say my goodbyes. I put on my clothes. I kissed xyr one last time. As I went over to put on my shoes, xe offered to keep to the edge of the bed. Xe asked me to stay. I grimaced.

I knew that if I would stay, I would surely never emotionally recover. I was waiting on someone. I couldn't make someone else wait on me while I wait on someone, and it was cruel to confess to someone and then say "lol, nevermind". I continued to put my shoes on.

Xe begged me to to stay, and with tears in my eyes, I left anyways.

Its now 2 days later. Xe haunts my every waking thought. We had a short text exchange the next morning, but I knew that we had to stop this. I haven't reached out to xyr since.

I've cried so much, I can barely function. love, sex, feelings, emotions. theyre all tied up. I feel like an asshole. Maybe I am an asshole. On one hand, I confessed that I had feelings for a girl and she asked me to wait. On the other hand, I made someone want me so bad xey called xemself mine, but I walked away like a player.

I need time to process. Thats why i wrote this. Hopefully I will have answers for myself soon.

xoxo,

Ari

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privateonlinediary · 2 years

Text

Feeling worthless

So I had been talking with you for 2 weeks straight, everyday. We would snap each other pictures of everything we did, we talked about almost everything, and said goodnight and good morning to each other.

You were in Italy for 3 weeks because of your job. And we decided to meet up in real life when you got back since your mom, dad and sister were out of town. Plan was to just hang out, sleep there, and then go to the gym together for a nice workout.

I really started to grow on you but was really nervous to meet you in real life because I was afraid you wouldn’t like me. But we had the best time, we just talked, laughed, watched a movie, cuddled, and then ended up having sex as well since we already kind of had this tension building up over the 2 weeks that we spoke daily through text.

The next day we went to the gym, which was also very nice. The plan was for me take the train before you had to pick up your sister from the train, so you wouldn’t have to introduce me to your sister, since it was our first time meeting up etc. which I understand.

But during the car ride you told me that even though you had an amazing time with me, you weren’t looking for anything serious, because of your job/housing situation, and because of past relationships where you got fucked over. I was under the impression that you actually was open to the idea of something serious so this kind of upset me because those two days we spend together really got my hopes up. I ended up crying a little bit and you noticed even though I tried to hide it. I could tell you were having a hard time seeing me like that and you felt really bad about it. You’re too much of a good guy not to care.

When we got to the train station you also broke down. You started tearing up because you hated seeing me like this. You said you hadn’t cried like that in 2-3 years. I then too started crying again because I really didn’t want to see you like that. We hugged/cried for a long time.

That’s when your sister approached the car, who was way earlier than she mentioned. This made everything just super awkward. Nobody wants to get caught crying.. right? I got out of the car while the both of us were still crying, awkwardly introduced myself to your sister who was putting her bags in the back of the car, and then I said goodbye and walked off. As I turned away to walk towards the train station I just lost it but I had to keep walking.

When I got on the train we texted about the situation, and it turned out that the reason you don’t see anything happening between us is also because of our 4 year age difference, and because of my unstable job/housing/mental situation. You were being honest about everything which I appreciate A LOT... but it still hurts. You’re basically everything I look for in a guy, personality wise, appearance wise, hobby wise, everything.. so it hurts to know that it will never work out because of my age and because of my unstable situation right now.

I cried the whole 3 hour train ride back home. You later on said you sat in your car not being able to speak to your sister, and crying for about 15 minutes before being able to drive home. I felt so sorry about making you feel that sad, but I cannot hide my true feelings. I had to be honest about them.

You said you would still very much like to have me in your life, and you enjoy my company. You still want to talk with me, play video games, and go to the gym with me. and I would love that too.. but I am so afraid of developing more feelings towards you if we continue our contact.

I feel so broken right now. I just don’t feel like I will ever be good enough for someone. I’ve been hurt so many times and whenever I do meet a genuine guy, I am not good enough. Makes me feel so worthless. What’s the point of living if this is how I’ll be feeling for the rest of my life? I just can’t see the positive side of life anymore. I just feel so stuck. I don’t even have the balls to just end it.

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yespleasetommyshelby · 3 years

Text

Temporary - Oscar Diaz imagine Part 6

Previously...

"De nada princesa." He winked before stepping out into the yard, a chorus of 'spooky!' coming from the Santos as he closed the door behind him.

A cough from beside me brought me back to earth, turning to see three sets of eyes on me, Ruby and Jamal looking as though I'd killed somebody right then and there and Cesar with a knowing smirk on his face.

"What?" I asked innocently.

------------------

"What did you do?" Jamal asked, still stood staring at me with wide eyes.

"I have never, ever, seen an actual smile on that guys face." Ruby muttered, watching the front door as though Oscar would magically walk through it any second.

"He's got a point." Cesar added making my eyes move to him. "He's my brother and I've never heard him call anyone 'princesa' before, let alone offer to let a girl stay over with no repayment, if you get what I mean." He smirked as he looked at me, his eyes holding a knowing glint.

"Maybe I just have that effect on people." I shrugged with a slight laugh. "Anyway, what's this about a school dance?" I asked in attempt to change the subject.

"It's on Friday and we're gunna get freaky with it." Jamal sung as he moved his hips in what I think was supposed to be a 'sexy' way.

"Okay, that's gross." I stated pointing at the younger boy as he slowly stopped dancing, crossing his arms before flopping down on the couch besides me.

"What is with you people and throwing water on my flame?" He groaned to himself.

"Jamal, baby, you need to have a flame for someone to put it out." I spoke with false sympathy, laughing as he rolled his eyes and mimicked me.

"How were the school dances in Cali?" Ruby asked leaning against the kitchen counter as he watched me.

"Uh, I didn't actually go to any." I shrugged thinking back to how me and Jess would just take a couple bites down to the beach and drink the night away.

"You didn't go? Like, to any?" Cesar asked with a surprised look on his face.

"Not that I remember no, I used to just go down to the beach and get drunk." I shrugged with a small smile.

"You should come." He continued making me look up to him in slight confusion. "To our dance." He clarified with a smirk.

"Oh, well in case you haven't realised I finished school a couple years ago, and I didn't even go to yours." I smiled at his offer.

"So? We can bring dates from other schools, or not from school at all, this is freeridge, it's a pretty relaxed deal." He shrugged, the smirk still on his face.

"I'm not sure that's going to a school dance with a fourteen year old is such a great idea." I muttered unsurely.

"You're overthinking things here Lia." Jamal said loudly as he pushed himself up and stood next to Cesar and Ruby. "God, you're definitely related." He spoke to himself as he looked up to the ceiling.

"Hey!" Me and Ruby yelled at the same time making Jamal raise his eyebrows in an 'I told you so' style. "But he's right." Ruby shrugged. "It's nothing serious just a dance, besides, I thought you'd be up for some fun after whatever just happened." He continued.

"Ruby's right." Cesar nodded, all three boys stood watching me and waiting for an answer.

"Fine." I sighed in defeat. "You're on." I smiled.

--------------

"Thank you again." I smiled as Oscar grabbed what he needed from his room before spending the night on the couch.

"Ain't nothin'." He shrugged as he headed towards the door, fresh shirt and shorts in hand.

"I'm going to the school dance with your brother." I blurted out stopping him with his hand on the doorknob. "Oh my god that sounded so much stranger out loud." I groaned as I flopped back onto his bed staring at the ceiling.

"Why?" He snorted as he turned round, dumping his stuff on a set of drawers before he stood at the side of the bed looking down at me in a mix of confusion and amusement.

"They was talking about the dance and I mentioned I'd never been to one, then Cesar offered to take me." I shrugged before sitting up and looking up at him. "It's not that strange right?"

"You're 19 and going to a school dance with my brother." He said matter-of-factly as he looked down at me with a raised eyebrow.

"I know it's so weird." I half groaned, half laughed as I thought about what I had agreed to. "You know you don't have to sleep out there right? I'm more than happy to, this is your bed after all." I mentioned, running my fingers through my tangled hair.

"A princesa should sleep on a bed, not a couch." He gave me a small smile and a shrug.

"And what about a caballero?" I asked making him look at me in confusion. "Well, you were my night in shinning armour." I teased with a smirk, and I'm sure, I saw a hint of pink lining his cheeks before he cleared his throat and it was gone. "Oscar Diaz get your culo into the bed before I tell all your little home boys that you cried at Marley and me." I smirked knowing that seeing Spooky Diaz crying earlier was going to come in handy, not that he'd admit he was.

"A) I wasn't crying, and b) even if I was you wouldn't dare." He muttered narrowing his eyes at me although the small smirk on his face let me know that he wasn't quite 100% serious.

"Try me." I smirked.

I let out a laugh as he sighed loudly throwing his head back before huffing his way over to the opposite side of the bed, pulling his top over his head before throwing himself down dramatically.

"You're such a drama queen, you know that?" I laughed as I lifted the cover and settled down on the pillow.

"Let's remember who's bed this is yeah." He muttered, both of us laid on our backs and watching the plain white roof.

"Was you close to them? Your parents I mean." I whispered remembering Ruby saying that the Diaz brothers had been alone for the majority of Cesar's childhood.

"My mum died when I was younger, couple years after Cesar was born, I don't remember much about her other than she was a jumped up crackhead." He muttered, my eyes widening slightly at how blunt and open he was being about it. "Me and my dad were kinda close when it came to gang business, I guess, but other than that I barely knew the man personally." I felt him shrug from his place besides me. "What about you?" He asked making me scoff quietly.

"Well, I don't know if you've noticed or not but me and my mum don't exactly have the greatest relationship. She's constantly on my ass trying to put me down, she tried her hardest to make me into the housewife that she's always been, and that's just not me." I shrugged laughing slightly. "But my dad." I trailled of with a sigh, a small smile on my face. "He's the greatest man I've ever met, I mean sure, he's had some troubles in the past but he's always put me and mum above it all. Even when it costs him more than he has, he always finds a way to make sure we're alright." I smiled at the thought of the hero that was my dad.

"He sounds like a good man." Oscar whispered making me turn to face him only to realise that he was already watching me.

"He is." I whispered with a small smile, my eyes captured by his as the familiar butterflies from earlier suddenly reappeared, his eyes moving between my own and my lips.

Not risking another interruption he quickly leant forwards and captured my lips with his own, moving our lips against each other's slowly, the cliché of butterflies and fireworks never really making much sense to me until this moment, when I felt it all.

I kept my eyes closed as we slowly pulled away, his forehead resting against mine as he released my bottom lip with a slight pop. Taking a deep breath I opened my mouth to speak before I was interrupted by a quick kiss on my lips before he pulled back completely.

"Sorry, I uh, I shouldn't have done that." He said quietly, looking into my eyes briefly before reaching over and playing with the small 'D' pendant that hung around my neck. "I know you got a boyfriend." He muttered scowling, dropping the necklace as though it had burned him.

"It's alright Oscar." I smiled slightly, bringing my hands up to the sides of his face my thumb rubbing his jawline gently. "I'm done with him, enough is enough, right." I shrugged making him chuckle slightly.

"It's okay." I smiled bringing my hands to the sides of his face, my thumb rubbing over his jawline gently. "I'm not with him anymore." I shrugged making him chuckle slightly.

"Good." He smirked, placing his hands on he sides of my face forcing me to let go of his and hold onto his wrists instead. Giving me one more smirk he leaned in placing his lips against mine as his hands disappeared from my face, reaching behind my neck as I felt the weight of the necklace disappear.

Pulling away I couldn't help but laugh as Oscar threw the necklace towards the drawers opposite his bed, the small chain sliding across the surface before dropping down the back. Letting out a chuckle of his own he laid himself down pulling me towards him do that my head was resting on his chest, his arm wrapping around me waist from behind while his other was folded under his head.

"Night Lia." He mumbled, placing a small kiss on my forehead.

"Goodnight Oscar." I whispered into the otherwise silent room, placing a brief kiss to his bare chest before drifting off into the darkness.

——————

"Aye Spooky! Where you at?" Accompanied by a know at the door make me jump the next morning as I was getting myself a glass of water in Oscars kitchen the next morning.

Since I'd always been an early bird, as my mother would put it, it was no surprise that I had woken up before Oscar and Cesar, my head resting on Oscars chest with his arms wrapped around me tightly.

"Spooky man, open up!" A different voice called from outside again accompanied by a know that was more like banging.

Sighing to myself I debated whether to go and wake Oscar or to just answer the door myself, yet another knock on the door answering my question for me.

"Can I help you?" I asked as I opened the door to be met with the same Santo that had stepped up to Diego yesterday along with another one that I recognised from the Monse and Cesar fight, the one who tried to step up to me, bitch.

"Where's Spooky?" The bitch asked as he looked me up and down with smirk, only then did I remember that I was in the same clothes I'd slept in, a pair of Oscar's boxers and my tank top, luckily I had remembered to put my bra back on when I'd gotten up this morning.

"How 'bout you show me a little respect before I slam this door in your culo feo." I smiled sarcastically crossing my arms over my chest before the other guy got my attention.

"Hey, uh, Lia right?" He asked with furrowed brows like he was trying to remember. "I was there when your boy came for you." He smiled slightly.

"Right." I nodded. "Thank you for that." I smiled sincerely, genuinely thankful that he had stepped in.

"I'm sad eyes by the way." He smiled as he stuck his hand out for me to shake. "And that's Johnny." He nodded over to his companion.

"Lia." I smiled putting my hand in his and shaking it lightly. "But you already knew that." I laughed.

"Is spooky here or what?" Johnny huffed against the door frame, once again letting his eyes roam my half naked body.

"Spooky's gunna kick the shit outta you if you don't stop looking at her like that." Cesar's voice made me jump as he came to the door with a glass of juice in one hand. "Here." He smiled as he handed me the juice while taking the water from my other hand.

"Oh, thank you C." I smiled as I took a sip. "Oh shit yeah, you guys wanna come in?" I asked quickly remembering the two Santos stood waiting in the doorway.

"Thanks." Sad eyes laughed as he made his way in, fist bumping Cesar on his way.

"Apologise." I said, putting my arm across the doorway before Johnny could walk in, looking up at him with a smirk as he glared down at me. "Apologise for acting like a jackass or you can wait for Spooky out in the yard." I shrugged as he looked at me in disbelief. "Oh, and it rained last night so the couch is slightly damp." I shrugged again as I went to close the door before his hand stopped me.

"Alright, I'm sorry." He smiled sarcastically as he tried to take a step inside.

"You're sorry for what exactly?" I smirked as I stepped in his way again, getting a kick of amusement at the scowl on his face. "Well, I'm waiting." I sighed tapping my invisible watch on my wrist.

"I'm sorry for being a jackass." He groaned rolling his eyes. "Happy?" He sighed as he looked down at the smirk on my face.

"Very." I smiled as I moved out of his way to let him in, closing the door behind him.

"Aye spooky! Where you been man? Damn hyna trying to make me wait inside." Johnny cheered as Oscar appeared from the hallway in nothing but the pair of shorts that he'd slept in last night.

Sure, Oscar Diaz wasn't exactly rocking an eight pack and abs of steal, but my god was he something to look at first thing in the morning. I couldn't help but blush as his eyes landed on me, scanning me up and down quickly before he looked back to Johnny, giving him an uninterested look before shaking his head and heading into the kitchen.

"Lia." He called looking over his shoulder at me. "Come here a second." He added, motioning for me to go over to him.

"What's up?" I asked standing next to him as he opened the fridge only to from when it came up empty.

"I was gunna ask if you wanted anything but I gotta go to the store." He groaned rubbing a hand over his tanned head.

"I can take a walk to that cafe down the street, mama coco's is it?" I asked recalling seeing the small cafe a few times since I'd been back in town.

"Nah." He muttered shaking his head, closing the fridge and heading back into the living room. "Johnny, go down to mamma coco's and grab me a coffee and one of those roll things I like." He told him before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a twenty and throwing it onto the Santos lap.

"Do you normally sleep with cash on you?" I asked amused knowing that he had slept in those very shorts. "My bad." I giggled as he turned to look at me with an eyebrow raised and an amused smirk playing on his lips.

"Nah, the girl just offered man." Johnny shrugged as he picked up the cash and held it out for me to take.

"I don't care." Oscar muttered as he pushed his outstretched hand away. "What do you want?" He asked looking over his shoulder at me.

"I'll have a tea with two sugars please." I smiled at him. "Oh! And a blueberry muffin!" I added excitedly, smirking when Johnny rolled his eyes.

I laughed as Johnny stood up with a huff before making his way out of the house, with one last laugh I made my way back to Oscars room to put on my clothes from yesterday since the rest of my stuff was back at Ruby's.

"Weren't you wearing that yesterday?" Monse's voice made me jump as I made my way back into the living room that was now occupied by Oscar, Sad eyes and the core 4, plus Olivia. The core 4 was dotted around the room, Sad eyes was laid back on the recliner in the corner while Oscar and Olivia was on the couch, their thighs brushing slightly, a wave of jealousy washing over me before I shook it off, he wasn't mine, I had no right to be jealous over silly little things like that.

"Uh yeah, I haven't been back to Ruby's because, well, ya know." I shrugged slightyl before turning to the blonde girl. "You must be Olivia." I smiled over at the young girl, I'd never met her before, or even heard of her before mum and Geny told me about he staying.

"That's me." She smiled. "You're Lia right?" She said, crossing one leg over the other subconsciously pushing hers and Oscars legs closer together.

"And my date to the dance on Friday." Cesar grinned as he came over to where I was stood and out his arm over my shoulders.

"Strictly friends only, got it." I raised my eyebrows as I looked to him, making him chuckle and nod in agreement.

"Since when are you taking her?" Monse asked confused, ignoring the looks that the rest of the crew was giving her instead opting to keep her attention on me and Cesar.

"Since last night when she told me that she'd never been to her own school dances." He shrugged casually, to him it was no big deal but I could see I'm Monse's eyes that she was hurting.

"You know I don't have to go, not if you two were planning on going together." I said quickly, not looking to be in the middle of a teenage love triangle or whatever this shit was.

"Nah, we're just friends, right monse?" Cesar shrugged as he pulled me close to his side, Monse not missing the gesture.

"Right." She mumbled looking at the ground just as Johnny stormed in and threw a paper bag down onto the ktichen counter before putting the drinks down considerably gentler.

"Oh food!" I grinned as I pulled away from Cesar's hold, jumping up on the counter and opening up the bag, immediately pulling out my blueberry muffin and digging in, sending a muffin filled smile in Johnny's direction. "Gracias." I smirked as he shook his head and leant against the wall.

"Aye where's mine foo'?" Oscar piped up, leaning forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees as he watched me finish my muffin, throwing the wrapper to the side before taking a sip of my tea.

"I'm the bag." I shrugged with a smirk, watching as his eyes lit up with amusement while Ruby and Jamal watched with horror on their faces.

"Is that right?" He asked smirking at me with an eyebrow raised.

"That's right." I nodded as I blew into the lid of my tea before taking another sip.

"You not gunna bring it here?" He asked tilting his head to the side slightly like a confused puppy.

"I'm sorry, remind me how much you're paying me to be your waitress again?" I asked sarcastically, laughing as Ruby and Jamal's eyes widened that little bit more.

"I'll get it for you Mr Spooky Sir." Jamal said quickly getting up from his seat and rushing towards the bag only for me to grab the bad and hold it behind my back.

"Nu-Uh." I muttered shaking my head with a chuckle. "I'm gunna need the owner of the bag to come and collect it thank you." I smirked looking from Jamal to Oscar who was watching me with an amused smile on his face before he pushed himself to his feet and walked over.

"I'm right here." He smirked making Jamal jump as he appeared behind him. "Can I get my food now?" He asked as Jamal scurried back to his spot making me laugh.

"Of course." I grinned handing the bag over. "What do I get for keeping it safe for you?" I asked quietly, knowing that the other people in the room were watching the interaction.

"I could think of something." He muttered, a smirk on his face as he stepped closer.

"Oh yeah?" I smirked back as he took another step so that we were basically chest to chest only having to look up at him slightly from where I was sitting on the counter.

"Yeah." He mumbled before taking my head in his hands and bringing his lips down on mine in a slow but butterfly filled kiss.

The joint "Oh my god." From Ruby and Jamal making us pull apart slowly with small smiles on both our faces.

#on my block imagines #cesar diaz #on my block #on my block imagine #ruby martinez #monse #spooky diaz #Oscar diaz imagine #oscar diaz imagines #Oscar diaz series #on my block series #temporary part six #temporary #temporary series #spooky diaz imagine #spooky diaz imagines

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hunnybunnypr1ncess · 3 years

Text

Loves me not | FP Jones x Reader

Songfic to the song "Loves me not" by t.a.t.u.

Summary: Y/N runs away from her crazy mother and lives now with FP and Jughead. Jughead is like her brother, but she sees more in FP than a father figure.

Warnings: age gap (Reader is over 18!), angst, mention of alcohol- and drugsábuse (underage), some smut elements

Y/N's POV

I never thought that it would come like this. I never imagined that my life goes down like that. I always was a strange kid, maybe that's why I was best friends with Jughead. He was something like my big brother, even if I was older than him. I always hung around his trailer, maybe I shouldn't have done that so often.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was really late at night and I had another fight with my crazy mother. I had enough of this stupid woman, so I decided to run away. I pushed some clothes in a large backpack and rushed outside. My mother screamed something but I didn't turned around. She was drunk like every night, so I knew I should better go, before something happened.

As I stood there, knocking on the door in this freezing cold night I started to regret that I went there. What if the will send me back home? But before I could think about it too much, the door opened. "Y/N? What happened? Is everything-" Jughead saw my big backpack, stuffed with my most important stuff and he didn't need to finish his question. He knew what happened. He stepped aside, letting me step inside the trailer. His dad was sitting on the table, a beer bottle into his hand. I always had a sweet spot for FP. Maybe I also had a little crush on him, but it never was something serious, at least I thought that. He looked at me with his dark brown eyes. I think he knew that I was holding back my tears. He walked over to the fridge and handed me a beer. He didn't say a word, he just pulled he chair next to him aside and I let myself drop onto the chair.

My mother didn't called the next day. I wasn't surprised, if I was honest. Maybe she was sleeping because of her hangover. I was kind of glad that she didn't cared about me. She didn't cared when I was 13 and drunk. She didn't cared when I was 14 and stoned. She will never care and maybe it was the best for both of us.

You have to know that my mum was a northsider, with much money. She always had lived a great life. She never had to work for anything. If you saw her you would think "What a nice and beautiful lady" but she isn't. Behind closed doors she was the devil. Her newest man, I don't even know his name, buys her everything that she wants. She never said a word about me, most men don't even know she has a daughter. I was a mistake and she always reminded me of that. And as a good northsider that she was, she hated the southsiders. I never understood what her problem was. She especially hated the Jones family. She hated it that I found a friend in Jughead. As we two grew older and kept getting closer and closer friends, the relationship between me and my mom got even worse. She got me another room in the basement, so she didn't has to see me. It was okay for me. I never knew something different. My mother never showed me love. So I tried to fill this hole in my heart with different people.

FP and Jughead let me stay with them. After some time, I was there for many weeks now, we grew more and more together. We had a great time until...

I complicated our lives by falling in love with him

I complicated our lives, now I'm losing my only friend

I don't know why, I had to try, living my life on the other side

Now I'm so confused

I don't know what to do

I was standing in the kitchen, only wearing some of FP's flannels. It was early in the morning so I tried my best not to wake them up. FP was sleeping on the couch, being the gentleman that he is, he let me and Jughead sleep in his bed. It was nice to have something like a real family. I opened the fridge and took the milk out. I reached out for a bowl to get myself some cereals, but I couldn't reached it. I tried climbing on the kitchen corner, but the clumsy girl I am, I fell off - Nearly.

"Y/N!" FP jumped up and before I reached the hard ground he catched me midway. I was laying in his arms. We never were that close to each other. My heart was racing and I felt the blood boil under my skin. What was happening here? Is this real?

FP looked into my eyes, licking over his lips. The sexual tension was as sharp as a knife. FP and I always shared some crackling fire that burned when we met each other. It just felt right, but both of us never did anything, too scared of the reactions of the other people.

My head was cloudy, not one thought could stay in my mind. Without any more thoughts I pulled him down to me by his collar and kissed him. FP didn't pulled away. First he was surprised, but he leaned in, returning the kiss. His hands get lost into my hair, pulling me closer onto his lap.

His tongue glided over my lips and I opened my mouth for him. He tasted like beer and peppermint gums. His kiss was exactly how I imagined it - heated, posessive, hard and passionate. He knew what he was doing. My legs started to shake. FP's hands reached under the flannel that I was wearing, inching forward to my breasts.

"We can't do that here! When Jughead sees us like that..." I complained between hot kisses. FP looked up and sighed: "You are right Y/N. But...I can't stop thinking about you." He leaned in for another kiss.

With this incident our realationship started. It wasn't really difficult to keep our affair a secret. I lived with him, so no one would expect that something is between us. We wanted to tell at least Jughead about us, but there never was a good moment to do that. He was my best friend and I was in love with his father. How should we tell him that?

"This is a joke right?!" As FP and me heared the familiar voice behind us, we let go of each other. I was sitting on his lap, heavily kissing him and my hands in his pants as Jughead came into the bedroom. Jughead stood there his face red out of anger. "My best friend and my dad? You know that you could be her father right?!"

Jughead was shaking, he couldn't say anymore words. He was furious. I stood up from FP's lap. FP looked at me, trying to close his zipper. He stood up, hands still fumbeling with his pants. "Jug. We wanted to tell you, but we never knew how we should say it."

"Since when is this thing going on between you two?" "Since 3 months." Jughead laughed out, but it wasn't a happy laugh. He was pissed!

"And you didn't managed to tell me in 3 months? And I thought we were friends.." With this words he left. I wanted to follow him, but FP hold onto my hand. "It's better to let him calm down first.." I just nodded. FP was right.

This night Jughead didn't come back home. I sat on the couch next to FP, but we didn't said a word. We both knew that this was wrong. FP was much older then me and I was Jughead's best friend since god knows when. And I was stupid enough to fall in love with my best friend's dad.

I started blurring the lines because I didn't care

I started crossing the line, cause you were never there

No where to turn,

No one to help,

It's almost like I don't even know myself

Now I have to choose

I don't know what to do

It was the next morning. I felt asleep on the couch. FP wasn't there anymore. The sun was shining through the window directly in my face and burning in my eyes. My eyes stung from the tears I tried to hold back. I sat up, trying to get my thoughts together. As I tried to calm myself down I started rocking back and forth. I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. The tears started to fall and I couldn't stop myself anymore. I cried so much and cupped my face in my hands, trying to let the sniveling out as quiet as possible.

What should I do?

He loves me, he loves me not

She loves me, she loves me not

Okay, I can't believe it. After more than 3 years I finished this fanfiction. Do you guys even remember me haha? If you want another part, let me know. I just wanted to write a angsty story (I guess - I mean I started this story 3 years ago lol). xoxo Belle

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thighs-of-betrayal-blog · 3 years

Note

Hey there! Could I send a request? I’ve asked a few different writers for one and no one has taken it on. I haven’t seen a fic yet that has Bucky comforting an anxious Reader during an attack where he gently takes their face in his hands and says, “Look at me”. I just feel like he would know how they feel. Thanks!

Wrong Time, Right Place

A/N: Hey, love! Thank you for sending in this request! I completely agree- Bucky would 100% know how they feel. He’d be so patient and kind when it comes to helping others. We all deserve to have a Bucky in our life!

I hope you all enjoy and as always, feedback is appreciated!

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: panic attack (proceed with caution- may be triggering), fluff, mentions of violence/weapons

You’ve never been late before, but there’s always a first for everything. Maybe if you didn’t hit snooze on your alarm clock this morning. Maybe if you put a little extra pip in your step while getting dressed. Maybe if you didn’t convince yourself that getting a coffee and being a few more minutes late would be fine. Maybe-

There’s no more time for what ifs.

Hiding under the nearest table, you slap your hands over your ears, trying to block out the explosive noise around you.

There’s screams coming from everywhere. In the streets. In the coffee shop you’re currently hiding in. Right next to you.

The woman that’s huddling under a table across from you is desperately attempting to calm down her daughter who’s screaming hysterically.

She gives you a pleading glance and immediately, you start to hum a lullaby your parents used to get you to sleep.

It seems to work because the child’s screams turn into endless cries and you stop, giving the mother a small smile before focusing your gaze onto the floor.

The screams outside die down. Peeking out from under the table, you quickly notice why. In the street are countless alien-like beings, killing everyone they see with their weapons. There’s not as many screams because bodies are falling. Fast.

Scrambling back to the floor, you place your head in between your knees, your breathing becoming out of control.

You’ll be okay, Y/N. Just breathe. In and out. In. Out. In. Out. In-

Your heart rate increases as it gets even harder to breathe, your mind betraying your lungs as a panic attack settles in.

Those aliens outside are going to get me. They’re going to find me under this table and kill me. I still have so much I want to do. It can’t end like this. It just can’t, but it’s going to and I can’t stop it.

Tears are streaming down your face at this point and you choke on your cries. Your fingernails are deep in your legs, blood seeping out as your skin breaks open.

“Are you okay?”

A deep voice breaks you out of your tunnel vision and you look up into crystal blue eyes.

He notices your heavy breathing and in an instant, his hands are on your shoulders, helping to ground you back to a calm state.

As your eyes get bigger, your body starts to shake, your anxiety winning over your body.

Bucky drags his hands slowly from your shoulders to your face, softly resting them against your cheeks. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. Look at me.”

Your eyes focus back onto him and you watch as he takes a deep breath in and then out.

“Your turn.”

In. Out.

A small smile forms on his face. “That’s it, doll. You’re doing great.”

He continues to breathe with you, not stopping until your heart settles down and your breathing returns to normal.

“Thank you,” you manage to shakily say once you feel like you’re functioning again.

“You don’t have to thank me.” He looks almost embarrassed now, face looking down as a slight blush runs along his cheeks.

“I think I do. You just literally saved me from myself.”

When he looks back up at you, he’s smiling. “Well, I’m glad I did.” His hand reaches out for yours. “Names Bucky.”

You place your hand in his. “Y/N.”

As the two of you shake hands, your eyes wander back towards the windows. “What’s happening-”

“Outside? Aliens are attacking, but don’t worry, we’re handling them.”

You’re surprised to find yourself laughing, especially in a situation like this. “You’re doing a great job of handling them.”

Bucky goes red again at your sarcasm and for a second, you feel bad, until he laughs himself. “You’re right, I should probably be out there. I just, I was coming this way and happened to see you and wanted to help.”

You place your hand on his arm, squeezing lightly. “I appreciate it, Bucky. Really. But, you should probably go back to saving the world now.”

Nodding his head, he stands up. “It was nice to meet you, Y/N.”

Smiling, you watch as he starts to walk backwards, still staring at you. “You too, Bucky.”

When he reaches the door, he stops. “I love the way you say my name.” His hand curls around the handle. “Wanna get a coffee together after this?”

The irony of it all hits you and you start to laugh once again. At the start of all this, all you wanted was a coffee and now, you were going to get it, just with a person you thought you’d never meet.

“I’d like that.”

Bucky smiles back at you. “I’ll meet you here tonight.”

As he slips away, you turn to look at the mother from earlier. Now, her and her daughter seem better. More hopeful.

Everything is going to be okay.

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prttydolls · 3 years

Note

Hi lovely! Ik you just released selfish, and I am soooo heart broken disbdjsjdb I mean is it too hard to break up with her instead of cheating on her? Or if it’s okay for other girls to finish, why can’t his own girl do so? Disbdjsjs Draco ur an ass on that one.

Okay ik not everyone deserves a redemption/second chance. But could we get a pt.2, on Draco’s POV?

Like maybe he tries to act tough and unaffected. Even admitting that he really did use her and just showed affection to keep her around. But deep down, he’s hurting. Bc he realized after all that, she was his home. An unappreciated one. He realized that he took advantage of her, someone who loved him unconditionally. So when he finally breaks down, he desperately tries to win her back? Literally becomes a simp (and/or possessive) and would do anything and everything for her ( bc he is, after all, selfish) 😩✋🏻 only if you want to tho! I’d understand and respect if you don’t. I hope you are safe, happy, and healthy! (Pls do let me know if you won’t do this!) Thank youuuu so so much!!

𝐢𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲.༄ 𝐃.𝐦

Requested : yes, omg finally a request:') thanks anon u too<3

Warning(s) : Cussing, try hard draco, Mentions of food, drinking. Hedric<3

A/n : This is probably my first draco pov (that's probably full on), and please pretend cedric is gay and alive cuz why not 💓

Y/i= your initials.

Dracoʼs pov:

Fuck, fuck fuck.

She knew? All this time. How could I let her go?

Summer of 6th year, the dark Lord chose me to do tasks, now I'm a death eater. I can't believe I've been so blind with the death eater shit, that I completely forgot about her. Was I that a terrible of a boyfriend.

Well the answer to that question yes, fucking yes.

I sat back down and began throwing girls panties away, I completely forgot about my body count now, probably 40? I don't know. As I opened my closet I saw the sweater, the sweater that y/n wore every quidditch game, every night I cried to her. It usually looked like a dress to her, but now I think she won't even wear it anymore.

I sobbed harder hugging the sweater, her scent lingered onto it, i sniffed it and brought it onto the bed with me.

I couldn't even sleep that night.

Next morning:

I woke up, and I realized it was a Saturday. Probably hung over students were gonna be all over the place, I got changed, and I saw my face for the first time after the fight. My cheeks were stained with tears, really red eyes. I felt sick.

I quickly changed myself and mentally putting up a strong front. I can't be seen as weak, no. Not even for y/n..

I went out to the Great Hall and I saw her with fucking Diggory. She looked like she was hit by a truck, I took a little glance to her, making sure no one saw me. I sat down onto the slytherin table and I saw it.

(your favorite fruit), y/ns favorite. I looked at it blankly, just staring onto it for a few seconds. “oi! Mate you alright?” goyle nudged draco lightly. “yes I am goyle, now shut the fuck up.” i sneered. “someone's angsty today” blaise teased.

I glared at him, blaise looked down back into his plate and slowly eating it. Suddenly a girl sat next, it was pansy., “hi drakey, I really enjoyed last night...” pansy greeted while her fingers traced circles onto my bicep. I decided, to pretend i didn't care, my reputation is important. “oh yeah?” i smirks. “mhm..im so glad you broke things off with her!” pansy giggled obnoxiously, placing her arm and clinging onto mine. And that's when I saw you looked hurt, you looked down onto your plate and ate slowly, god I feel terrible.

Readers pov:

Guess he already moved on, that was quick. “are you alright y/n?” Harty, cedrics boyfriend rubbed my shoulder. “mʼalright, just never thought he moved on so quickly.” I mutter, tears were welling my eyes. “I'm sorry y/n/n, you can find someone else better.” Cedric hugged me. “thanks ceddie” I muffled while clinging onto his chest, staining it with salty tears.

——

Back to dracos pov:

It's been a month since our breakup, I didn't know what to do, but all I saw was diggoryand her hanging out all the time. I took my mind off by just drinking, fucking and.. Have fail attempts on doing the dark lords task.

A owl came to my dorm, dropping off a black and sharp letter, I grabbed the letter and I winced in pain, it was really sharp. It was from the dark lord.

Hello young malfoy, I suppose you still haven't done the cabinet? You better finish the cabinet sooner or later, you know the consequences is that right?

-Voldemort.

I wish I could talk back to that bastard, but I can't unfortunately. Every time I start to work onto the cabinet it fails, as if it needs something else, I don't know what works. Ice tried all the Wizarding tacks, nothing works. Even spells can't make it.

I stared at my room blankly, it's messy. I started picking up trash, condoms, and other things pnasy left. Until I saw something, the promise ring I gave y/n.

I remember clearly giving it to you

“Draco oh my this is amazing!” you twirled. The ring onto your finger, I smiled proudly. “and that's not all, it's matching!” I showed my ring with your initials in it y/i, “baby this is so pretty thank you!” you hugged my chest and smiled. “anything for my Mrs. malfoy.” I smirk.

You blushed at my reply and kissed me on the lips, and merlin it was like heaven touched me.

But now, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to feel your touch ever again.

——

It had been months, I'm not doing okay, I think I'm cracking. Every thing I see reminds me of you. It's like a curse, and I hate seeing you being happy with Diggory. It should be me!

Suddenly a knock came from the door, I groaned and opened the door. “hey mate, you comin to the party later?” it was blaise. “Whoʼs coming?” I shurrged an eyebrow. “all 6th year students in the room of requirement.” he looked excited. “yeah sure.” I mindlessly reply. “alright see you there then!” blaise patted my back and left. Probably to buy extra spiked juices.

Hours came by, and it was dark now. The party of course was starting. I went and wore my slytherin jumper, with black trousers, And went off.

I knocked onto the room of requirement, and suddenly the sand faded and reaveling a colorful room with students dancing, and drinking.

I went inside and sat next to blaise. “Hey mate so glad you could come!” blaise shouted over the loud muggle music. I nodded and I took some shots with him for a few minutes. Then my eye caught someone.

It was y/n dancing with, some ravenclaw. Her body grinding with his. I could tell that you were half drunk. The ravenclaw leaned in and I stood up.

“Oi! Hands off!” I yelled at the curly haired boy. “hey, last time I checked she wasn't yours.” he poked a finger onto my chest. “Malfoy wtf?!” you yelled at me, I turned my attention to you, you looked angry. Adorably angry, I mentally smirked. “Excuse me, for a moment Hugo, I'd like a talk with malfoy.” Hugo huh, as he nodded in agreement. You dragged me into a more private place.

“Malfoy what were you doing?!” you yelled. “he can't touch you like that y/n! Only I can!” I said desperately. Tears were welling up my eyes once again. You scoffed in disbelief, “Tch, draco it's been 6 months move on! Can't you see what we used to have was toxic for me?!” now you were crying. “yes.. I know but I want you back! I miss you” You stopped for a second and looked at me

“you missing me?!”

I nod, “Draco! You fucking idiot! Can't you see we arent good for eachother?! Your absolutely destroying me malfoy! You fuck girls, drink, and— and... You completely ignore me as if I'm just not your girlfriend.” your voiced cracked at the end, my heart clenched that you still remember my past mistakes.

“i know but..” I held your hand but you quickly snatched it away. “that's not all draco! I try so hard for you, just to get a mhm y/n, whatever y/n!” you yelled into the top of your lungs. “okay y/n please let me talk!”

“Then fucking talk!” you barked.

I sighed and began. “okay, the start of this year I got sucked in to Voldemorts plan.” I slowly roll up my sleeve reaveling a deep dark black mark on my wrist. “... What?” you took a look at my wrist, and it looked sore. “I completely forgot about our relationship, and I myself ashamed of it. I really wish I wasn't an ass hole, before we fought I realize I was a bad boyfriend, that's why i had hookups with girls. To make me forget my mistakes and being ashamed of you.”

“obviously that didn't work, cause we broke up. It hurts seeing my Mrs malfoy being with someone else.” my voice croaked.

“so please let me make it up to you y/n”

You sigh and hugged me, “i missed you so much draco” you sobbed. “i missed you too darling.” I kiss your crown. “but i think it's best if we, just be friends first. Just set some boundaries.” you let go of me, and I nodded.

——

Years passed, we ran away some where around the other side of UK, where no one could find us.

Now we have 3 beautiful babies, scorpius malfoy 10, Celestia malfoy 8, and our newly horned baby. Leon malfoy, I'm so glad that I could hold you, in my arms everyday. I'm so grateful, thank you y/n malfoy.

None pov:

“Draco are you done writing? We have to go now!” y/ns voiced came from downstairs, “yeah give me a minute darling!” draco yells back and hid the diary, he went downstairs to find his children and wife dressed up for the family photo.

“alright say cheese!” the photographer gives a heads up. “cheese!!” the three children gritted their teeth.

A photo came out and a beautiful family of five was shown.

#draco malfoy #draco lucius malfoy #draco malfoy imagine #draco x reader #draco imagine #draco fanfiction #draco fic #draco fluff #Draco x reader #draco x slytherin!reader #draco x hufflepuff!reader #draco x gryffindor!reader #draco x ravenclaw!reader #— {🐚} her work's !

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strawberry-lemonade-kisses · 3 years

Text

Family Ties

Recovery was a long and tiring process. Kyojuro always struggled with it, having to rest and take the time to heal properly instead of helping with anything and everything he could. Shinobu had scolded him endlessly on why he couldn’t be messing around and trying to sneak out with his injuries, they were too severe for him to be acting like a child. He couldn’t help it though, his family was at home waiting for him. His beautiful baby girl and her adorable face, those tiny fingers and hands, the small tufts of blonde hair that she had. He only got to hold her once before Shinobu had him taken to the butterfly estate. He felt restless, knowing he couldn’t see his wife in her motherly glow, a glow that he only got to hold onto for a few minutes. It had been a full week since he was brought to the butterfly estate, confined to one of the rooms designated for the hashira, away from the chaos and yelling the rest of the estate contained.

“Rengoku, time for painkillers!” Shinobu fluttered into the room, a small packet of pills in one hand and a letter in the other. “Another love letter, I may have to start charging delivery between you two!” she flashed a smile, setting down the pills and handing Rengoku the letter. He tore it open quickly, not trying to save the envelope as he read over the letter his wife had penned.

My flame,

Hinata and I both miss you very much, her big eyes are always looking for something, I think it’s you. Shinobu says tomorrow if you keep behaving we can start visiting you. For the first time ever my flame, please relax. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out not seeing you. It’s cold at night, I find myself missing your company, your warm hands that are always wandering, holding onto me. Your chest, so warm and firm, I miss laying on it, listening to your heart. I miss hearing your voice, always so loud but so quiet when you only want me to hear what you are saying. It makes me feel so special. Hinata is the only one keeping me sane. She looks so much like you it's almost scary, but I won't lie. Nothing compares to you. I miss you. It's harder knowing you are so close but I can't see you or hear you, I can't even hold you. Please relax so I can come to see you, my love.

I love you to the sun and back,

Your flower

“Let me check your bandages and then I will let you know if they can come tomorrow” Kyojuro jumped at the sudden closeness of the insect Hashira, not quite used to the lack of peripherals on his left side. Setting the letter on the nightstand he scooted towards the edge of the large four-poster bed he had been resting in. Sitting as straight as he could without feeling pain, he raised his arms slightly, letting Shinobu unravel the bandages around his stomach. The wound had hindered most of his movements for the first few days in the estate but he had been getting better, small walks and even sitting in a chair had helped him regain some of that feeling of normal, even through the haze of the painkillers. He had decided not to bother struggling with a shirt, knowing it was too painful to go through the hassle when Shinobu came in every few hours to check the bandages. She mumbled small apologies as she unraveled the tape and gauze directly on the wound, trying to drown out the hisses of pain from Kyojuro.

"The staples are holding well, no tearing, no bleeding or abnormal discharge. You are healing as well as you could Kyojuro. I think it's safe to say you can see Y/N and Hinata tomorrow. But I will warn you now and later, Kyojuro. Do. Not. Exert. Yourself. I know you are excited and restless to spend time with your family and your new baby but if you hold her for too long and strain yourself I don't know if I have the knowledge to save you. You are lucky to be here now" Kyojuro understood her warning. He was beyond grateful to work alongside such a skilled and intelligent woman. The people she had trained to deal with life-threatening and fatal wounds like the one on his stomach have led to many lives saved that should have been lost, including his. He owed his life to her. He made a noise of agreement, trying not to move much while she laid a fresh bandage on the fist-sized wound his stomach sported. She was careful as she wrapped the gauze on his stomach, holding his bandage in place and stabilizing his torso so the quilts he was rolling around in didn't scratch him or remove his bandage.

"Tanjiro, inosuke, and Zenitsu have been asking about you. Do you think you feel well enough to see them?" Kyojuro perked up at the mention of the young slayers, their intervention of his fight with the upper 3 was another reason he was alive. He went straight to his estate after the battle, asking the Kakushi to assist him home once they stabilized him, not taking no for an answer. They only agreed once he tried crawling away from them, not bothering to listen. He didn't even explain his eagerness to get home so they deserve answers.

"Yes, is that their names? I would very much like to speak with them. Could they visit?" Shinobu chuckled at the excitement Kyojuro radiated as she threw the dirty bandages into the waste bin before turning back to the flame hashira.

"I'll have aoi bring them. She'll be coming soon with your tea and sweet potatoes. I don't know how you talked her into making your favorite snacks all the time but I think you may be her new favorite." With a smile she bowed, fluttering back out of the room as quick as she arrived.

Morning couldn’t come soon enough, having spent the rest of the afternoon focusing on what he wanted to do while he had the time with his wife and daughter, Kyojuro was distracted. The anticipation had made it hard for him to sleep, thoughts hounded by the idea of finally being able to hold the two most important people in his life. He was feeling strong enough to hold his daughter for more than a few minutes, he had willed his muscles to get better, trying to lift more and hold them for longer amounts of time. Just enough so Shinobu wouldn't yell at him and he could hold his baby girl. He couldn't hold back from the fact he missed his wife as well though, He had been away for a whole month, missing the final month of her pregnancy. When he received the letter from Shinobu, urgently written to tell of his wife giving birth, his heart sank, knowing he wasn’t any closer to going home. Now home had been within reach, and he couldn’t wait to close his fist around it and never let it go.

Kyojuro had adjusted the collar of his shirt for what seemed like the hundredth time, even though the shirt laid almost fully open, tucked into his hakama pants. He felt anxious at the arrival of his wife and daughter, ready to see them and spend all the time he could with them, but also, what if he messed up? This was only the second time he got to see his daughter, what if she didn’t like him or didn’t want to be held by him. His lack of full strength and the pain in his abdomen may be a hindrance to his quality time with his family. His thoughts were everywhere as he fiddled with his shirt and his hair, constantly adjusting everything, it had to be perfect for them. The door opening behind him pulled him from his downward spiral. Looking towards the door Kyojuro met the eyes of the person he had been missing, her reflection staring back at him through the mirror. Her yellow Kimono had been covered with one of his spare Haori, wrapped tightly over the sling on her chest, a gurgling baby nestled into her.

“Hi Handsome” She walked up to him, moving to stand in front of him as he turned to her. She stopped, eyes running over his face, the eyepatch he had been gifted from Shinobu, to cover his injury while it finished healing. The bruises on his temple had almost healed fully, and he was moving. It felt like she could breathe again, finally seeing with her own eyes that he was doing better. She trusted Shinobu with her life, but she felt so anxious not knowing exactly how Kyojuro was doing. He smiled down at her, His hands immediately finding their way to her hips, pulling her into his embrace. Tucking his head into her neck he breathed in, eliciting a giggle from the woman as she wiggled in his grasp. “You're tickling me, Kyo.” He chuckled, the rumble in his chest shaking their daughter who had begun to fuss, the squeals of joy quickly turning to sorrow. Kyojuro jumped away from his wife, her attention turning to their daughter as he looked on. Pulling her from the sling she had she cooed at her baby, softly bouncing her as she sobbed into her shoulder.

“Kyo” She looked at him as she moved to the edge of the bed, sitting down as she patted Hinata’s back. Kyojuro followed her, slowly seating himself next to his wife. He moved as carefully as he could, looking at his crying daughter's face as she wailed into her mother’s shoulder.

“Can I?” He hesitantly reached for Hinata, eyes looking at his wife for permission. With a smile on her face, she lifted Hinata, Allowing Kyokjuro to wrap his hands around her small body, cradling her in his arms so she was on her back.

“Hinata, My beautiful sun child. I’m sorry I shook you like that, Your mommy is so ticklish around her neck, I'm surprised she lets you lay there” He cooed, leaning closer to her face. “Sweet girl, daddies sorry” He rocked her, swaying back and forth, moving Y/N in the process. As they swayed he hummed a tune his mother would often hum. It had no words, but it always reminded him of the early morning, before the sun was fully in the sky, just poking itself over the horizon. He would be in bed, just waking for the day when his mother walked by, humming to herself as she went to the kitchen, getting ready to start breakfast. Her loud humming followed her to the kitchen, where the notes were accented with her chopping the fruits and vegetables to the beat. The cries quickly turned to hiccups. Hinata's round yellow eyes were still glossy with tears as she stared at her father, his tender gaze as he looked down at her, singing softly. Y/N stared at the two of them in awe, the child's enamored look as she listened to her father's melody, the soft song she had heard him humming as he sat in the gardens early in the morning. Motherhood was such a blessing and being able to witness a moment like this was even better. Chubby hands reached up, grabbing at the air as the song came to an end. Her fingers wrapped around nothing before they dropped back onto the blanket she was swaddled in, gripping onto the fabric.

“She’s so beautiful. I could look at her all day” He looked up at his wife briefly before he looked back at his daughter, a smile gracing his lips as he held her closer to him, snuggling into her.

“She really is something special, huh? From her cute little toes all the way to that golden hair. Kyojuro, I think we made the perfect child. Hinata, my sunshine.” Her mother cooed, running her fingers over the small tufts of blonde hair, smoothing it against her head.

“You know” He started, looking back up to Y/N. “I was scared for you to come today. As much as I wanted to see the two of you, What if it didn’t work? What if I wasn't strong enough to get her to stop crying, I would have left you to do it when you’ve been doing it for so long without help. What if I had no-”

“I’m going to stop you there Kyojuro. Shinobu was telling me how you’ve been healing, how you’ve been working. I wouldn’t let you take Hinata from me if I didn’t think that you could handle it. Also, my flame; look at her, look at you. Take a deep breath before you completely lose it.” She stopped, watching as he inhaled and released it, slowly letting out the breath. “Now. Kyojuro, it's scary, I know. I’ve been trying to figure this out almost entirely on my own, but luckily I had some really good advice and a bit of help. my love, I’m right here, we are going to figure this out together and I promise you right now, we aren’t going to be perfect. But look at her, she’s happy, and that’s all I can ask for. She knows you and she loves you, I love you, so incredibly much. Kyo, I was scared you wouldn’t make it, that once Shinobu took you away from me I wouldn’t be seeing you after that. I need you to be patient with this. You are doing so well already, you quieted her faster than I've been able to since she was born. Hinata and I will spend so much time with you once you are home, none of us will leave that bed until you are healed, I mean it.” She leaned forward, pressing her forehead against his as he let out another long breath. “Everything will be fine my flame, don’t worry one bit. You are doing just fine with her.” Pulling away from her husband to sit on her heels she reached for Hinata, scooping her out of Kyojuro's arms. A small whine left Hinata's lips, her drooping eyes shooting open as she laid against her mother's shoulder. “Lay back against the pillow, I want to show you something” Kyojuro gave Y/N a puzzled look but did as he was told, moving to the head of the bed and laying flat on his back, head propped up on a pillow. Moving around the bed she stood next to Kyojuros still figure she smiled, moving Hinata so she was laying on his chest, her head instantly cuddling into the warmth his chest always radiated, a spot Y/N also liked to lay on. The lack of a shirt or a kimono on most of his chest created room for direct heat, Hinata own personal heated pillow. Kyojuro burst into giggles as his daughter quickly fell asleep against his chest, her quiet breaths becoming less frequent as she drifted to dreamland.

“She just fell asleep like that!?” it was Y/N’s turn to laugh as she climbed over her husband, laying down next to him.

“You are so warm, and she loves the warmth. When I light a fire at night, she always falls asleep so fast when I sit close to it, or when I bundle her in blankets. You are always so warm my flame, she obviously loves it” He chuckled again, running his fingers over the blanket that covered Hinata.

“Two women that like the heat, huh”

#kyojuro rengoku #kyojuro x reader #kyojuro headcanons #slice of life #demon slayer hashira #demon slayer scenarios #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer x you #demon slayer #demon slayer rengoku #rengoku x y/n #rengoku x reader #kny rengoku #kimetsu no yaiba rengoku #rengoku kyojuro #rengoku kyoujurou #rengoku

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the-witty-pen-name · 3 years

Text

The Nanny Pt. 1

Lee Bodecker x Nanny!F!Reader

18+

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, implied age gap (reader is in her 20s), cursing, Sandy and Carl being bad parents, 18+ content in later chapters

Summary:

Based on this Request: The reader moves to Meade/Knockemstiff while answering an advertisement for a nanny in the paper. We learn that the ad was posted by Sandy, who has the reader watch her child whenever she and Carl leave to do their secret thing. After one of these trips, Sandy and her husband never return, so the reader is left caring for their baby. With the new investigation into these events, she meets Sandy’s brother Lee, the older, out of shape, alcoholic bachelor, and they are suddenly thrown into each others lives as he begins looking into his sister’s disappearance. Through it all, Lee starts to fall for her, and they slowly become a family.

A/N: Here is the first part of my newest series and I want to thank the anon who reached out to me with this idea!

If I missed anything I should include as a warning that I missed please let me know!

Taglist Form is in my bio and should be updated to now to include this fic! (If for some reason it isn’t working send me a message and I’ll make sure you’re added!!)

“Damn it, Sandy, can’t you handle that?” Carl yells from his dark room as the baby starts crying again.

“Fuck you, Carl,” Sandy shouts back, hurrying to put out her cigarette before heading to the nursery.

Their little girl was just about a year old, and neither one of them knew what they were doing. Carl was incredibly indifferent and despite her honest attempts at motherhood, Sandy’s maternal instincts never kicked in like she thought it would happen. Carl was annoyed that it cut into their time they would be on trips. They weren’t able to photograph models with the baby on the road, so he’d been itching to get back on the road.

“Is she hungry?” he shouts back, not even bothering to take his eyes off of the most recent photographs he had been developing.

“I just fed her!”

“Then why is she crying?”

“Fuck if I know,” Sandy shouts back exasperated. She scooped up the baby from her crib and started to rock her back and forth in her arms. Sandy also tried burping her, humming a little lullaby she made up on the fly… no luck. She walks around the house with the baby on her hip, trying to rock her back to sleep.

“We haven’t able to get back on the road in a year,” Carl says, clearly frustrated.

“That ain’t purely my fault,” she spits back, “Takes two to make a baby, Carl.”

“Fuck I know,” he groans, “But I need new inspiration. If I take one more picture of nature…”

“If she’s such a hindrance, pay for a damn sitter like I suggested months ago,” she counters.

“We can’t have no stranger walking around the house Sandy,” he points out.

“Just keep your damn room locked, it’s not a huge deal,” Sandy sighs. “Besides, no one is gonna snoop around if you pay ‘em enough. You damn well produce your own incriminating evidence; you should always have that room locked anyways.”

“We only have to worry about your damn brother,” Carl points out, “We hire a fucking sitter that’s two people we need to worry about.”

“You’re just to goddamn cheap to hire somebody,” Sandy states, moving back towards the nursery, the baby now snoring softly.

“You know what? Fine,” Carl says defeated. “But you’re in charge of putting the ad out and hiring somebody.”

“Thank you,” she says in a sing song tone, happy she got her way. But the moment of quiet that follows is short lived as they baby starts crying again.

“Please for the love of God can you just take care of that?” Carl yells, and the argument circles back to the beginning.

You had sat in the small dinner in the corner booth hunched over the newspaper and nursing your now cold cup of coffee. You had just arrived in Knockemstiff and were looking for work. “Any leads?” Julie asked as she topped off your coffee. Julie was your roommate. You had found her the same way you were currently looking for a job. You must have answered at least ten terrible Roommate Wanted ads until you had found Julie. The two of you now share an apartment- the top floor of a three-family owned by a sweet older couple.

“Thank you,” you say without looking up from scanning the ads. “Maybe this one?” You say pointing to one of the ads. She looks to see her manager stepped out for his smoke break before sliding in the booth across from you. You slide the paper over to her and she reads the ad out loud.

NANNY NEEDED Knockemstiff, Ohio

Couple that travels for work in need of a nanny for one-year-old daughter.

Temporary live-in position for several weeks at a time. Pay negotiable.

Call Sandy Henderson at the below number.

“I can sublet the room temporarily while you stay there,” Julie offers. “It’s a pretty vague offer,” she continues. “I wouldn’t commit until you call and speak to that Sandy woman.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll need to be interviewed,” you agree. “What kind of people are comfortable just leaving their baby for weeks at a time with a perfect stranger?”

“Paul is still out back I think,” she chuckles, “I’ll let you use the wall phone.”

You take a seat at one of the stools at the counter, and she dials the number for you and then passes you the receiver. You mouth a thank you and she waves her hand in dismissal as she heads over to take someone’s order.

“Whaddya want?” the woman on the other end answers abruptly.

“Oh, I’m calling about the ad in the paper regarding the nanny position. Is it still available?”

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry, hun,” the woman says, now in a much nicer tone. “Thought it was my brother calling. Yes, it is, and we need it filled as soon as possible. When are you available?”

“For an interview?” You ask.

“Yeah,” she says mumbled, like she is dangling a cigarette from her mouth. “Can you come today?”

“Oh, wow. Yes, I can,” you reply.

“Great, um, you got a pen? Take down this address.”

About two hours, a change of clothes and a cab ride later, you were standing outside a house towards the end of town. It was a little run down, but what building in this town wasn’t? You were a little nervous of course, but it was also the most unconventional way you have gotten an interview. Part of you was relieved, because the woman on the phone sounded real, not phony, but the circumstances still made you uneasy. Julie had the address and said you’d call when you got back to the taxi dispatch.

“Welcome, welcome,” Sandy smiled, opening up the door for you. She had one hand on the doorknob and one of the cutest babies you’d ever seen in the other. “Come on in, make yourself comfortable.”

“Who is this?” you coo, leaning down to the baby’s eye level. “She’s darling.”

“This little sweetheart is Valerie,” Sandy smiles, passing the baby to you. “She’s so well-behaved. Hardly ever cries.”

“She’s adorable,” you smile, as the baby cuddles up close, resting her head on your shoulder. “I didn’t properly introduce myself on the phone. (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

“I’m Sandy,” she introduces herself. “Please take a seat on the couch, get comfortable. I hate things that are so formal. Bleh.”

You take a seat on the couch, and readjust the little girl in your arms so she’s sitting on your lap and her back is resting against you so she is supported.

“So, my husband and I are on the road a lot, usually,” she begins, “We took some time off when we had Valerie, but we really need to start working again, you understand.”

“Of course, what do you both do?” you ask politely.

“We’re photographers,” she beams, “Mostly nature and landmarks- which reminds me! We have a darkroom in the house, but that door will be locked when you’re staying here. We don’t want any damage to any of the negatives we have stored in there you understand. Everywhere else in the house is yours to explore! And of course we gotta spare bedroom you can call your own.”

“Fair enough,” you joke.

“So, tell me about yourself, honey,” she smiles, crossing her legs in the armchair where she sat.

“Well, I just moved here a few weeks ago actually,” you begin, “I just recently finished school, and now I’m looking for work. I just got my degree in early childcare from the state college.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” she says with a clap of her hands. “So, you’re local?”

“Yes, I live in town.”

“Excellent! We’d also love for this to be like an on-call thing as well, you know for date nights and things like that for times when we’re home. Like for a few hours here and there. And of course, we’ll always live money for groceries or whatever you need on top of your pay for emergencies incase Valerie needs formula or diapers or anything.”

“Perfect,” you smile, surprised how well the conversation was going. Sandy was easy-going and nice to talk to. The two of you sat and talked for a little under an hour, her asking all the standard questions you anticipated. You also were able to ask her some more of your own questions as well. It was the most effortless interview you had been on easily.

“I’m sorry you weren’t able to meet Carl today,” she says when she is showing you out. “But hun, I feel confident to offer you the job. We haven’t had many applicants and you’re the most qualified one I’ve spoken to. The job is yours if you want it?”

“When can I start?” you smile, making her laugh.

“Your number is on the resume, right?” she says, scooping up the baby. You nod, waving goodbye to the baby and then saying goodbye to Sandy.

“I’ll call you when I speak to Carl, but I think once he knows he’ll want to head out as soon as we can. Plan for Sunday,” she says as you get into the cab.

Just like she had promised, you get a call from Sandy on Saturday afternoon asking you to show up the next morning at 9. You spend the day packing up your clothes and anything else you’d need for a few weeks. Sandy said they’d be back in two weeks but you pack for three just in case. Julie was also nice enough to help you. You didn’t need to do much. Ever since you had settled in Knockemstiff, you had been pretty lazy with unpacking and for once procrastination played out in your favor.

Julie insisted on taking you out to celebrate that night before starting your job tomorrow. There was a small little bar, a little shack of a place just on the outside of town you went to. Julie had a car and you drove, anticipating she’d have a lot more to drink than you. It was a hotter summer night, so you drove with the windows down and the radio playing a little louder than you normally would.

The outside was decorated with string lights of primary colors and the wooden awning looked like it was one more storm away from collapsing. But the atmosphere inside was to die for. The jukebox was playing loud dance music, and the place was crowded. Empty recycled glasses lined the walls on a high shelf as decoration along with weathered posters of anything Americana. A row of motorcycles and trucks were parked outside the little place and it looked like a pileup from how crowded the lot was. People lingered outside as well, and you both hoped you’d find seats inside.

The two of you found a high-top table and Julie made her way up to the bar, skillfully maneuvering through the crowd to grab you both some drinks. You let your eyes wandering, surveying the room and just people watching. Couples were dancing closely to the music that was rattling the jukebox, and a group of people were sitting at the bar huddles in to watch the little black and white portable television. You also noticed a group of men in uniform several tables down, local police. They weren’t paying any attention to anyone but their own conversation, except one.

He just so happened to have looked up just as your eyes landed on their table. Steel blue eyes cutting across everything and just staring right back into yours. It was a fraction of a second and his gaze was broken by Julie taking her seat across from you. You cleared your throat, and finally allowed yourself to exhale. You felt her raise an eyebrow at you but she didn’t press, just gave you a knowing smirk you brushed off. You still felt his gaze on you even if your view was now obstructed.

Sandy and Carl were in a rush when you arrived in the morning. Sandy ran you through the details of where everything was kept and told you that she would call to check in when she could when they made stopped. She helped you carry your bags in from the trunk of the taxi while Carl packed their bags in their car. He was polite enough, but you felt in your gut to just keep your distance. Sandy led you upstairs to the guest room she told you she worked to clean out for you. It was simple, a bed and a dresser with a small closet. She said it mostly had been storage and her weekend project had been clearing it out for you. It was simple, but good enough for you for sure. You thanked her and she dismissed it saying you were the one doing her a favor, making you laugh.

The whole ordeal was very hurried. Carl was rushing to get on the road as soon as possible and you could tell he was clearly irritated at how long Sandy was taking showing you around and explaining things about Valerie. Carrying the baby in your arms, you finally were settled in to your new role and Sandy gave one more big hug and a kiss on Valerie’s head before rushing down to the car. You waved to the pair of them from the small front porch, Sandy looking back and waving to the baby from the passenger seat until they were out of your line of vision.

The first day was a little daunting. New space, living in a house that isn’t yours and a baby babbling in your arms. She was a sweet thing, and she already had taken a liking to you. Heading over to her nursery, you saw that she had a little play pen folded up in the corner of the nursery and you quickly set it up in your room so you could unpack while keeping an eye on her. She babbled just happy utter nonsense to you while you navigated around the space and her big eyes just followed you, just watching you was entertaining for her for now. You were a new face and she was entertained just by that for now.

A few hours later, Valerie had settled down for a nap in the early afternoon. She was sleeping soundly in her crib and you were getting formula ready for when she woke up. It was quiet, the only noise in the house was the small sounds of your own rustling in the kitchen. You wondered when you would hear from Sandy, if it would be later tonight or in a couple of days. You just were lost in your own thoughts when you were startled by a loud knocking on the door. Instantly, Valerie began to cry. You wiped your hands quickly on the skirt of your dress before grabbing her. You rested her on your hip and rocked her gently, shushing her to calm down while you went to grab the door.

The first thing your eyes saw were the same blue eyes who was looking at you at the bar last night. The man’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked really confused. He had one hand rested on his hip and the other against the doorframe, but he stood up straight when he saw it wasn’t who he expected. Your eyes then went down to the shiny Sheriff’s Badge fixed in place on his uniform.

“Who are you?” he asks abruptly. “Where’s Sandy?”

“Sandy and Carl left this morning,” you explain, not sure if he recognizes you. “I’m their nanny.”

He laughs and shakes his head as he looks down, almost like he doesn’t believe you, or he just doesn’t believe the situation. “Carl? Carl Henderson hired a nanny?” he scoffs and you nod, holding Valerie a little closer. The little girl rubs her eyes and yawns, when her eyes flutter open, she looks at the stranger in the doorway and immediately reaches out to signal she wants to be held by him. You ignore her resistance to wanting to be in your arms until you get more information about why the Sheriff is at their doorstep, though she obviously knows him.

“I’m Sandy’s brother,” he explains, “Did she say when they were coming back?” He doesn’t try to hold the baby yet, just holds out one of his fingers and her little hand holds onto it tightly.

“Two weeks.”

“They hire a complete stranger to watch my niece and live in their house unsupervised while they drive around?” he scoffs, shaking his head again in disbelief.

“I’m more than qualified…”

“It’s not a jab at you, sweetheart,” the man tries to explain, “More so a reflection on my sister and her husband is all. They are… fairly selfish people and I wished this situation surprises me more than it does.”

“Should I tell her you came by when she calls?” you ask.

“If she calls,” the man chuckles, “Sure, let her know Lee stopped by to visit.”

“You don’t think she will?” you ask, tilting your head.

“We’ll see,” Lee shrugs, “Do I know you from somewhere?” He rests his arm back up on the doorframe and looks down to the baby again, extending out his free hand to her again and scrunching her cheeks.

“I don’t know,” you shrug, not wanting to admit you remembered seeing him last night. He purses his lips together and nods, not pressing further. He pushes off from the doorframe and puts his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

“Must’ve been in a dream then,” he smirks, and you feel your cheeks flush. He walks down the steps and back towards his cop car. “What did you say your name was?” he asks, turning back around.

“I didn’t,” you chuckle.

“Hmm,” he nods, and raises his eyebrows, waiting for you to fill in the blank. You tell him your name and he repeats it back to you like he’s thinking about it, trying it out to see how it sounds.

“Well,” he says, standing behind the open driver’s door, “Good luck, and I hope Sandy proves me wrong. Let me know if she calls.”

Taglist:

@adelaide-walker @thedepressolit @samanthadegaro

#lee bodecker #lee bodecker imagine #lee bodecker x reader #lee bodecker x you #lee bodecker x y/n #the devil all the time #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan characters #lee bodecker smut #lee bodecker fluff #sebastian stan one shot #sebastian stan imagine #x reader #fluff #smut #nanny!reader #x f!reader #found family

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3desiderium3 · 3 years

Text

For your love

chapter six - Spring day

[ series masterlist ]

previous chapter | next chapter

pairings : reader x damiano david

story summary : damiano and reader are in very loving relationship that sometimes almost too quickly becomes too toxic for anyone likings

chapter warning (s) : this is sad af i made myself sad once again , some strong language and violent behavior , mentions of alcoholism , suicide and depression

They say healing takes time .

For Y/N time felt cruel . It was cold and slow .

It felt like winter . Y/N hated winter . That cold cruel and monstrous time of the year always left deep cuts on her brain and her soul . Every year for her was separated in 2 parts .

One was surviving the winter and having to deal mentally with all the problems and abnormally painful experiences . Constantly drowning .

The other part was trying to swim out of that freezing lake of trauma before she suffocated .

She hated the winter cause that was the time Damiano and her met .

She was never going to erase that day from her head and she was never going to forget each individual pain she felt in that period .

The pain he caused .

She always felt so melancholic and dizzy in that time of the year . Lost . Alone . Fragile .

One and half month has passed since she left Damiano and that month felt exactly like winter.

' I miss you

Saying this only makes me miss all you more

Even though I'm looking at your photo

Time's so cruel , I hate us

It's all winter here , Even in August '

She didn't hear a word from him . From almost no one actually . She disconnected from the real world fully . Only keeping the contact with Thomas , her parents and Vic of course .

Ethan had a hard time figuring out on his own what was happening . But he remained silent .

He didn't wanted to pick up the bleeding wound .

Y/N spent that month in her room . Crying . Trying not to focus on the sharp pains in her chest each night as she would listen over and over again Damiano's voice messages and Måneskins songs . She restored all the deleted pictures . She stopped eating and drinking water . She was just smoking in her bed and sleeping next to an overfill ashtray . Her hair always greasy and tied up . Her eyelashes always soaked up in tears . She avoided human touch the best she could .

Thomas was trying so hard to get her out of that depressive state along with Victoria .

They failed each time . And every other .

So they stopped forcing what the couldn't get .

Måneskin wasn't having rehearsals yet . Well I mean they did sometimes . But without Damiano .. Not because they weren't in touch but because every time they schedule one he cancels it .

He never showed actually up . Always having some lame excuses behind him .

Y/N was constantly playing their shared memories in her head like a dusty retro movie .

It was all she was thinking about . Nothing else . Everything was black and non existing beside him .

Just him .

How is he ? Did he ate today ? Is he sleeping well ? Is he having fun without her ? Is he with someone else ?

She often found herself lost in thoughts filled with suspicion , such as was he ever cheating on her etc etc .

The more time she spent with Victoria the more she became obsessed with an idea that Damiano and her used to have thing .

Some of Damiano's stuff appearing in her apartment such as jewelry and clothes .

An idea of going through Victoria's messages with him was also on her mind all day .

Y/N was always one click away from sending him that ' Hey I miss you , how you've been ? ' message . But always deleting it and putting her phone away .

When she was not thinking of him she was dreaming him . She was dreaming of his apologizes . All the things she wanted him to say to her he only spoke in a dream .

' I miss you

How long do I have to wait

How many nights do I have to pass

To see you ? '

Every day passed so slow because every day was the same .

She would woke up , trying to memorize and analyze all the dreams she had about Damiano , cry because she misses him and his sweet praises , maybe eat something , go back to bed and cry , smoke and drink , vomit if she feels like it , shake from all that stress until her stomach aches , cry and sleep for the rest of the day and at the end she goes back to sleep while thinking of him and later on dreaming of him .

Very often she questioned if this was the best option . Was it a good thing that she just went ? Was it a good thing that she broke up ? Maybe she should've given him second chance .. Maybe she should've at least tell him she planned on leaving , or leave a not whatever .

But he gave up so easily ..

He gave up ...

He never bothered finding her or searching for her ..

' I try to exhale you

Like white smoke

I say that I'll erase you

But I can't let you go yet . '

Y/N felt confused and like her tongue was cut off . She craved for some answers and explanations feeling like she was left unfinished with her words .

Would her even consider responding to her call ?

It was easy for her to explain how she felt but it was hard to understand .

She felt like she had her lungs overfilled with air , like someone kept pouring hot gelatin water on her head , like her bones where heavy , she was exhausted , paranoid , lonely , scared ...

But healing takes time ..

Already two full months passed . Y/N felt like the winter inside of her slowly started to turn into spring .

She gathered some hope for her , she felt like she was able to bloom and breath again .

The final day came . The day she left the house . Well the day she left her room . She washed her hair , she dressed nicely and cleaned up her disgusting room .

Victoria was proud . She almost shaded tears of joy . Her friend started the healing process and she was there by her side .

Y/N went in town to buy some simple groceries .

The day was hot and sunny , people had smiles on their faces . She hasn't landed a thought on Damiano for the past 2 or more days .

She was almost done with shopping when she entered one larger store to buy one single thing she couldn't find anywhere .

And oh boy ... She had what to see ...

She saw him . For the first time she saw him . How didn't she manage to spot his car outside ? Why today ? ?

She felt overwhelmed . Lump in her throat as her clothes became tight on her . She tried pretending she didn't saw him .

But she did . And she memorized every detail from his head to toe .

He looked flawless . No sight of fatigue on his face , no sight of suffer or regret . No nothing . He looked fine . Like he hadn't spent a night without sleep or day without shower . He looked fresh , rested and glamorous .

It awoke rage in Y/N . She was so sure he was feeling at least a bit of the pain she felt . But she saw that he was wrong .

That one fucking ingredient she needed was in a row in front of him , there was no way that he didn't saw her ..

She kept walking , gaze straight ahead pretending she didn't spotted him . But with the edge of her eye she saw him looking at her and making his direction towards her .

Y/N panicked . She practically ran towards the cashier and out of the store felling like all the air she felt overfilling her lungs disappeared .

" Do you need a drive ? " That voice . That velvety sweet voice sent chills to her spine , she was mad . So god damn mad that he was fine doing just fine . Who knows ? Maybe he even moved one with someone else by his side .

' Is it you who changed?

Or is it me?

I hate even this moment that is passing by

I guess we are changed

Just like everyone you know '

" I gotta go to another store it is really close . " Y/N tried lying . " Oh no problem I can drop you off . " He sounded so normal and casual .

Like they where fucking acquaintances not ex lovers .

At this point she didn't felt like resisting . So she just simply went in his car praying that there indeed was some store near .

" How've you've been Y/N ? " " Good. " There was a certain moment of silence . " And you ? " "Just the casual you know . I went to see Ethan this morning and I stopped by to buy bear there is a game tonight . "

" It's here . Thanks for the drop out . "

Y/N said and almost ran out of the car slamming it hardly behind her.

She entered that store and pretended to search for something until she saw him leaving behind the block .

She sighed , tears running gently down her cheeks . She felt so ashamed and so betrayed . How dumb was she actually ? Thinking that he cared for her . ' If he wanted to call he would do it . If he wanted to see how I was he would do it . '

Somehow she dragged herself back to Victoria's . She didn't shared a word with her as she was making her way back to her bed .

Back to that cold room . The room that smelled like winter .

* meanwhile damiano's p.o.v *

Damiano was not doing well . He was sleeping in his stuff that still barely had any of Y/N's fragrance left . In 2 months since their break up nothing good happened to him . He moved back in in his and Y/N's house . Keeping it clean and in peace . He pretended as if they never broke up . He started talking to himself pretending like Y/N was listening . He had no one to yell at .

He slept on her side of the bed , ate on the same spot at the table she used to sit . Read her books on her chair in living room . Sleep in her t-shirts , walk around the house in socks and her hoodies . He cried every damn night . It was eating him alive .

How he let her slip through his fingers . How he made her run away .

When he wasn't sad he was mad . He was cursing her he was yelling and shouting in an empty room . Because he was simply broken and sad . Disappointed and unsatisfied . Mad at himself .

At first he was so determined to find her . There was not a person he asked where she lived , with who she was staying , did she changed her number . He searched for her everywhere . The other band members didn't wanted to tell him however . They knew but they pretended like they had no idea even if they where in touch with her every day . He was slowly losing hope for her .

Even in those toughest moments he tried not to come out as too soft or caring . He never dared to let anyone know how he truly felt . He always pretended like he was doing okay and like he was fine like he didn't care . He put extra effort in his personal looks so it appeared like he was glowing .

But it was eating him out alive every night .

Where is she , how is she , is she alive , is someone taking care of her and her needs ?

' Yeah, I hate you

You left me

But I never stopped thinking about you

Not even a day

Honestly, I miss you

But now I’ll erase you

Because it hurts less than to blame you '

He prayed he could just see her one more time .

And his prayers have been granted . He saw her . He finally did .

She seemed tinier than he remembered , dark circles under her eyes and her posture bended . He offered to give her ride just so he could see where she lives . He wanted to know if she was safe .

After she rejected him coldly he turned around the corner and waited in his car until she was back in his sight walking towards the very familiar path .

He was trying his best to remember how he knew this path .

And once he saw her entering Victoria's house he bit his tongue . He was gripping the wheel with such force his knuckles went white .

' So she was the one hiding you from me . '

Then it clicked inside of his brain .

Thomas knew , Victoria knew and Ethan knew .

They all knew where she was . And no one wanted to help him reach her . They made a fool our of him that day , letting him go in their house while knowing she wouldn't be there .. They made a fool out of him every day when they told him that they had no clue where she was .

He sat there and smoked at least 3 cigarettes before driving off to Thomas's place .

He was going to make a scene .

Måneskin gathered at Thomas's house for the game night .

Damiano silently went in . Prepared for the cold war . Three of them sat on a couch in living room across the huge TV , laughing . " Ay man did you bought the bear ? " Thomas asked still smiling .

Damiano huffed . He was so annoyed , he walked closer to Thomas almost towering him .

" I will fucking kill you . " Those words where followed by Damiano slapping his friend and Victoria letting out loud scream . Ethan gasped and tried separating them .

These two where on the floor wrestling with each others hands around their necks .

" Daminao stop what is wrong with you for fucks sake ! " Victoria yelled . Once they separated , she was rubbing Thomas's back , the golden boy was all red in his face and his eyes teary .

" YOU FUCKING KNEW ! ! ! ALL OF YOU FUCKING KNEW ! " The other members watched their friend in shock as he was exploding from rage . This type of behavior he didn't surfaced in months .

" ALL OF YOU ! FUCKING KNEW ! WHERE SHE WAS , HOW SHE'S BEEN AND YOU HELPED HER GET AWAY FROM ME ! ! ! "

Not only Damiano was shouting but he was also crying .

He was crying and sobbing with his lips visibly shaking , his hands in his hair . This was the first time he cried in front of them in 2 months .

" I WAS THE WORST ! I STILL AM ! SHE DESERVED BETTER ! BUT NONE OF YOU WANTED TO TELL ME IF SHE IS EVEN ALIVE ! "

" Dami - " " SHUT UP ! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS IS ! "

He was breathing very hard now . Not only his lips but his whole body was shaking now . " I need her .. I need Y/N ... I will rather die than not be in her arms again .. I - I want her back .. "

The only sound in the room was the background TV sound . Thomas , Victoria and Ethan watching Damiano cry in front of them and scream his pain out . They felt guilty .

" I need to call her .. "

A/N i used BTS song spring day in few references . Hope you like it and leave a heart on if you do <33

taglist : @ella-nordstrm3 , @urskaa , @lovelysaltyland , @littleachaos , @whoreforhenrycavill , @13journals , @onceuponparrilla , @21nell , @davedace101 , @vainbimbo , @aliyeaz , @vandafabryova , @miriampraez , @foggyhottubcandy , @daringovangel , @inr89 , @fanfictioncafe , @mrsllshhb , @ over-themoon , @theclavvofaraven , @annika0-o , @thxtsclxssified , @goddessofthem0on , @ellabeth , @vandafabryova , @olivera-gajic

#damiano david #ethan torchio #eurovision italy #fanfic #relationship #thomas raggi #damiano maneskin #eurosong #eurovision #maneskin #victoria de an #victoria de angelis #love #breakup

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boldlyvoid · 3 years

Text

New Romantics | Part Four

18+

Summary: She needs help studying for her Case Exercises at the Academy, He needs a date for the annual Banquet... they just so happen to be neighbours who aren't afraid to lend a helping hand, or in this case, a helping kiss.

Categories: Fake dating, neighbours, strangers to lovers, mutual pining, Angst with a happy ending, Smut *as selected by my poll on what you wanted to read*

Warnings: Season 9 Spencer (no Maeve arc), Angst, kissing, drinking, police training mentions, case details, canon typical violence, self-doubt, autistic!spencer, age gaps (24/33), FWB relationships, anxiety attacks, crying, misunderstandings, oral sex (both), penetrative sex, Perv!Spencer low-key, public sex, quickies, multiple orgasms,

Word Count: 5k

a/n: what could possibly go wrong next?

She’s been asleep barely 2 hours when he shakes her awake, “Hey, when did you need to get ready today?”

“Uh?” She sits up and rubs her eyes, “we don’t have to leave until 1 so, like 11?”

“It’s 8:30, did you want to stay and sleep more?”

She looks at him and sighs, “are we okay?”

He nods, “can we just call it even?”

“Sure,” she agrees without knowing what she did wrong. It was more than just snapping on Tuesday, which is what she was still hurt over. “But I’m going to go, I need to change and stuff.”

“Yeah,” he nods but his smile is sad and she knows she’s fucking it up more.

She gets out of his bed, once it was the warmest bed she’s ever known. Any bed she shared with him was, but now it felt cold and uninviting and there was an unspoken knowingness that they were both genuinely upset.

“I’m still your fake girlfriend for the next 24 hours… can we make them count?” She asks, avoiding eye contact so he can't see her cry if he says no.

“Come here?”

She gets back into the bed and she cuddles into his chest. He holds her for a moment, “you’ve been the best girlfriend in the whole world. Do you really still want to be friends after this? Have I fucked up that bad?”

“Oh honey,” she places a hand on his cheek and looks at him softly, “I will be your neighbour, your best friend, your co-worker, carpool buddy, coffee friend, girlfriend, whatever you need as long as you’d like to have me around.”

He remembers the first time she said that and she knows because his smile is the same. “I love you.”

It hurts, “I love you, too.”

She kisses him quickly, attempting to pull back when his fingers grip her hair and his tongue is on her lips and she’s following his lead again.

“No,” she whispers, “I can’t.”

“Oh,” he stops and his hands drop to his sides so she can get back up.

“I’m going to go get ready, but I’ll come back when I’m done?”

“Yeah,” he nods again.

It breaks her heart to get up and go, she grabs her shoes and she sneaks out of his room, finding her keys in her pocket, she opens her own door and cries the second the door closes.

She cries in the shower, she cries while fixes her hair, she cries while she has lunch. Every song reminds her of the situation, every section of her apartment reminds her of him, the stupid door where they first kissed is closed and she wishes he was stable enough to bang on it and demand an answer.

Whatever was going on between them was reaching a bubbling over point, she can only store so much emotion before she explodes on him.

As soon as she is in her dress, makeup on and ready to go, she walks into his apartment to find him struggling with his bowtie, it makes her smile for the first time since she left his room this morning, “need help?”

“Yes, please.”

She walks over to him and repeats the same movements he attempted, making the bow look pretty before smoothing her hands over his dress shirt and looking up at him. “Handsome as ever.”

“You’re always beautiful,” he compliments her right back but his voice is still as sad as the night before.

“Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on in there?” She pries, tapping his temple with her index finger, “you’re my best friend and I don’t like seeing you sad.”

“I heard what you said yesterday,” he whispers, “about how if you were just using someone you would have picked Derek.”

“And?” She doesn’t get why it’s a big deal because it makes perfect sense to her in her mind.

“And it hurt me,” he snaps, “quite a lot!?”

And the dam breaks.

“Because I proved to them that I’m not using you? Spencer do you know what I meant by that?” She snaps right back.

“What else could it mean?! Clearly I’m not hot enough for you to just fuck and toss aside—”

“I meant that I love you and that’s why I’m with you! If I was just using someone for a job then I’d fuck Derek cause he’s a one and done, toss them to the side and never see them again, kind of guy!”

“And?” He repeats her word choice in a snippy tone that makes her furious but she knows he’s just trying his best to understand her.

She sighs loudly and obnoxiously, “and you’re a take him to meet your mom, marry and have his babies, love him for the rest of your life and one day scatter his ashes, kind of lover.” Crying by the end, she wipes her tears and tries to stay somewhat presentable-looking.

He’s silent, eyes wide as he takes in all her words, “I have always loved you,” she adds, “and no matter how fucking angry I am or how stressed or upset, I am never going to stop loving you, Spencer.”

“Me either,” his tone is still just as upset, “and that's the part that sucks.”

“What do you mean?” She just poured her heart out to him and he still doesn’t get it.

“I LOVE YOU!” He screams it at her with his hands thrown in the air, “I love you more than I’ve loved anyone in my entire fucking life and it’s driving me crazy!”

“It’s driving you crazy?” She can’t help but laugh like she’s losing her mind, “I have been doing everything in my power to make you understand that I love you and you keep thinking I just want to be friends!”

“Because you said you loved me like a friend the first time?!”

“No, I fucking didn’t!” She is so frustrated she’s turning the same colour as her dress, steaming from her ears like a cartoon character.

“I asked if best friends can be in love because I wanted to see if you would say you loved me more than that, and then you fucking said “yeah cause that’s how I love you” which means you love me as a friend?!”

“Because I thought that’s what you wanted?!”

She can’t rub her eyes cause she’ll ruin her makeup but she is so mad she just wants to scream. Pressing her fingers to her own temples, she turns away from him and sighs, she loves him so much and yet this is the most frustrating thing that’s ever happened.

“You are so lucky,” she just laughs, shaking her head back and forth as she turns back to him, “you are so fuckin’ lucky.”

“Why?”

She wraps her arms around his middle and looks up into his eyes with one last sigh, “we have to go or we’ll be late, so I can’t explain all of my feelings right now, so let’s bench this conversation and I can show you just how much I love you when we get back?”

“Okay,” he nods. He rests his hands on her arms and he looks down with the softest glance, he’s still trying so hard to not cry. “I’m really sorry.”

“So am I, I should have listened to you better and explained myself more,” she whispers, “do you believe me now?”

He nods, “I told you, it’s hard for me.”

“I tried my best to be subtle so I didn’t scare you off, but I guess you really don’t do subtle?” She can’t help but laugh, “but I really do love you.”

His hands are on her cheeks, pulling her into a kiss, she melts against him. He breathes her in, it’s the longest and deepest kiss she’s ever had and she honestly feels like he’s taking her soul and making her his. She belongs to him and she knows it, now he does too.

“I love you, too.”

—

All eyes are on her and it makes him smile, she’s the only one in a red dress in a room full of black and white, she stands out like a sore thumb. She looks the most beautiful, she stands beside Spencer with her arm wrapped around his and a huge smile on her face, it makes him even happier to see her smile again.

The hardest part of fighting with her was knowing she was upset and that he was only making it worse. Seeing her smile return is everything to him, he loves her more than words can express and she loves him right back, he can tell by the way she smiles at him; because it’s exactly the same way he’s smiling at her.

“I see that you’ve made up,” Derek interrupts their current dance to say hello.

The BAU team was always so busy on nights like this, they had all the best stories and everyone wanted to hear them, which meant they typically didn’t see each other a lot for the whole night.

“We did,” Spencer smiles. “Thank’s Derek.”

She looks up at them both, confused, “how many of them know?”

“Huh?” He plays dumb but she can see right through him.

“Do they all know I’m not really your girlfriend or is it just Aaron, Derek and whoever else you told?”

“Elle,” he says her name. “I told the first girl I slept with that I was falling in love with you because I needed advice from someone who has already been with me and knows how I get.”

“Sick, cool, love that for you,” she smiles and walks away.

He grabs her and she stops, “I told you how much it hurt that I had no one to talk to and you told all of them? And you couldn’t even tell me you really loved me this whole time? I thought we were best friends Spencer?” She shakes her head, disappointed more than anything, swatting his hand off her as he reaches to stop her.

“Let her go, she’s right to be a little mad,” Derek holds him back. “let her be mad.”

“Why?” Spencer is so new to relationships he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“She wants to be your girlfriend for real, let her calm down and then go apologize and ask her,” Derek's smile is sweet as he pulls Spencer into a hug.

It slowly becomes a dance, everyone is used to Derek being touchy with his friends, he has danced with everyone so far tonight so it’s only fair Spencer has a turn. Spencer holds him tight, eyes closed so he doesn’t have to think about all the attention he’s been getting since they arrived.

“Thank you for always being here for me,” he whispers, “but I have to go see her.”

“Fights like this just make your relationship stronger, it teaches you how she wants you to communicate, she just wants you to be honest with her, always,” he whispers with his cheek pressed to Spencer's, “and angry make-up sex is really fun.”

It makes him laugh, “thanks, but she won’t be sleeping with me for a few days, if my memory is correct then she’s mad for more than one reason.”

“Ah,” Derek gets it, “good luck my friend. Good luck.”

When Spencer pulls away, he heads in the direction Y/N left and follows the hallway as far as it goes. She’s sitting on a bench by a window, staring off at the night sky as she takes some deep breaths. She looks a little more peaceful, she’s had a really rough few weeks and he’s not making it any easier on her.

“I know two things for sure,” he speaks softly but she still jumps a little as she turns to him.

“What would they be?”

“That you’re the love of my life,” he’s confident as he sits on the bench beside her and takes her hand in his. “And I’m an idiot when it comes to love.”

“That is quite the dilemma,” she smirks, her eyes gleam as she looks at him and he knows she was trying not to cry by how glossy they are, but it makes her more beautiful, somehow.

“I’m really sorry.”

“All you have to do is tell me the truth, Spencer,” she places her hand on his leg and leans in with a whisper, “it’s really simple.”

“Truth is,” he whispers right back, lips close enough to kiss, “I’m never going to stop loving you, which means more stupid moments are in my future. Just so you know.”

She giggles and kisses him quickly, “I don’t mind being the smart one in the relationship, but you still have to ask.”

“Will you be my girlfriend and let me love you for the rest of my life, no matter how much I fuck up and drive you crazy?” He teases her, knowing she’ll say yes regardless.

“On one condition,” she can’t hide the smirk on her face and he’s nervous at what she’s thinking.

“Anything?”

“You let me love you for just as long? If not longer.”

He nods, “forever?”

She nods back before kissing him just as deeply as they did that morning, her hands in his hair as she presses his face into her’s with force. She holds him there and breathes him in, pulling back with a classic smooch sound, she smiles again, “you’re my boyfriend now.”

He nods with a small smile, “what should we do first as boyfriend and girlfriend?”

She bites her lip and pretends to think about it for a moment, “fuck in the linen closet down the hall?”

“I don’t have any condoms on me?” Is his only worry, not getting caught, not that all their bosses and superiors were there, just that he didn’t have a condom.

She pulls one out of her bra with a smile, “Savannah gave this to me about 3 minutes before you came over here.”

“How much make-up sex do they have?” He asks as he takes her hand and leads her down the hallway.

She’s giddy and smiling, her heels click on the floor as they rush to the other end of the hall and open the little door. There are shelves with towels and rolls upon rolls of silverware in cloth napkins. A vacuum in the corner, some brooms and just enough room for them.

She pulls him in closer and shuts the door, reconnecting their lips as she pushes him up against it. Hands reaching for his belt she kisses down his neck and he’s like putty in her hands as soon as she strokes him, he moans by accident and she covers his mouth with her free hand.

“Do you have any idea how turned on you make me? I have wanted to fuck you since I first saw you, 6 years ago…”

“Really?” His muffled voice behind her hand makes her laugh. She removes her hand and instead runs her fingers through his hair while taking a moment to look at him and really take it all in.

“Yeah,” she nods, “which is why I asked to sleep with you on the way home from the bar, I didn’t know if I could handle it either it, but I’ve always wanted Doctor Reid from the BAU to rail me. I just didn’t think we’d end up falling in love?”

“No one has ever admitted to having a crush on me and meant it,” he whispers.

“I’m glad I get to be one of your firsts,” she smiles again before he pulls her into another kiss.

She kisses the side of his mouth and then his jaw, down his neck and then she’s dropping to her knees in front of him. He’s hard in her hands but he twitches as he sees her like this, looking up at him with lust-blown eyes as she strokes him, she flattens her tongue and taps the tip of his cock to it.

He has to cover his own mouth or else he’s going to get them caught, he moans at the feeling, closing his eyes and that's when she takes him in her mouth. His free hand is in her hair, careful not to mess it up but enough grip to steady himself.

He tilts his head back against the door with a knock and a sign, “fuck,” he can’t help but talk into his hand which only makes it sound louder in the tight space.

She feels so good every single time and yet this one feels different, he looks down at her and she pulls off, “what’s wrong?”

“I love you,” he shrugs.

He helps her back up to her feet and she backs up against the shelves, “come here?”

He helps her hike her dress up, holding all the material up as he slips her underwear off and takes that condom back out of her bra with a single kiss to her chest. He rolls it over himself and lines up with her, her arms wrap around his shoulders as she looks at him, “show me how much you love me?”

He slides in and they don’t break eye contact as she takes him, her mouth opens in a silent gasp at the feeling, her hands grip his shoulders tighter as she steadies her ass on a shelf and wraps her legs around him while he bottoms out.

With a hand on her cheek and one on her lower back, he pulls out and thrusts back in with a smile as she bites back a moan, she pulls his face in close to hers to kiss him while he fucks her. The hand on his cheek slides down her neck, applying a small amount of pressure that makes her breathing hitch. She swallows sharply before his hand starts to trail over her breasts and then between them.

With a thumb on her clit, he fucks her a little harder while rubbing his thumb in a circle. She’s breathing heavily into his mouth, placing sloppy kisses against each other as they enjoyed each other.

She’s so close and he knows it, and then there is a knock on the door.

“Spence, we have a case when you’re done?” He hears Derek's voice behind the door and he can’t believe it.

“Okay!” He calls back without stopping, instead, he fucks into her a little faster.

“Oh!” She moans by accident before covering her mouth with a slap and wide eyes, moaning behind her hand as she bounces on his cock.

He kisses her hand, making her move it so he can press his lips back to hers and absorb all the noises she was going to make, her hands both reach for his back, gripping his suit jacket so tight he’s afraid she might rip it.

She cums with a shocked gasp, it’s as quiet as possible but it still echos around them as he gets closer and closer. He buries his face in her neck and accidentally moans as well as he cums, stilling his hips as he holds her there, sputtering his hips against hers as they catch their breath.

“I love you,” he manages to say between breaths, “that much.”

“You need to go,” she smiles.

He kisses her one last time before he pulls out, he loves the way she gasps every time he does so. She smiles after, their teeth clashing as they laugh, “I’m going to get in so much trouble.”

“I’m never going to get a job,” she shakes her head as she gets off the shelf and fixes her dress.

He takes off the condom and wraps it in some paper towel on the shelf, he’ll get rid of it later. She picks up her underwear, he thinks she puts them back on, but she really slides them into his pocket for him to find in the middle of the case when he reaches for something important...

—

She rides back to headquarters with Penelope and JJ, both of them want to ask and she knows it. Mainly because she looks like she’s had sex, and also because she asks to stop at the academy so she can get another pair of underwear from her locker.

It’s not until they’re in Penelope’s office that they ask, “what’s it like?”

“What’s what like?” She plays dumb.

“Dating Spencer?” Penelope says, “more specifically, having sex with him?” She mumbles and it makes Y/N laugh.

“In total, we’ve been having sex for 3 weeks now and I’ve had 21 orgasms, and we only really fuck on the weekends cause that’s when we’re not busy…” she grinds her teeth slightly with a raised brow, taking a deep breath, “yeah. It’s really great.”

“Holy shit?” They both look more shocked than she’s ever seen them. “How many has he had?” Penelope asks with a quiet voice, pretending she didn’t.

She laughs slightly, “like maybe 14? He’s really generous.”

“What the fuck?” JJ turns to Penelope and shakes her head and there’s something more there that Y/N can sense.

“Who’s Elle?” She asks and they both turn to her with the biggest eyes.

“How do you know about Elle?”

“She’s the first person he slept with?”

“When?” They both shout.

“So he wasn’t kidding. You guys really thought he was a virgin this whole time?” She looks at them like they’re crazy. “How?”

They both just shake their heads and sigh, stuttering and looking for words they don’t have. “We just never thought he could?”

“Snooze ya loose, I guess?” She shrugs, “so what is the case and how can I help?”

“Right! We have a case,” Penelope snaps back into it, “but seriously Elle? Are you sure you have your names right?”

“Penelope,” she looks at her seriously.

“Right, they’re headed to Roanoke.”

There was a child abduction of a 6-year-old girl, CARD and the BAU were both called out and that meant everyone was mingling on the two floors and they would use as much help as possible.

It also turns out that Anderson’s surrogate went into labour a little earlier than anyone expected; so he and his husband have left for paternity leave early. Leaving JJ without an assistant and she really needs help in the office for this one.

She catches on rather quickly, knowing the protocols from her training and she’s not afraid to ask questions. She’s still in her dress, her heels click on the tiles as she rushes around with files, making phone calls and running from the briefing room to Penelope’s office.

When they finally crack the case and apprehend the suspect, she sits down finally. It’s been 11 hours since the banquet, and she was exhausted beyond belief. She never slept the night before, Spencer was uncomfortable and she was in her jeans and when she did fall asleep, he was waking her up moments later to get ready.

It's Sunday morning at 9 am when Spencer finally returns back at headquarters. She’s sitting at his desk when he comes up and wraps his arms around her, “we’re going home, come on.”

“Don’t you have to debrief?”

“Did that on the way back,” he turns her around in the role chair and tilts her head up to look at him, she’s so tired and he can tell. “You have a big day tomorrow.”

“Ugh,” she stands up with his help, “I did enough profiling today and now I have a whole week to get through.”

“Just to come back and work here,” he smiles, “if you still want to?”

She wraps him up in a real hug and nods against him, “it’s so fun, even with all the murder.”

“Coming home to this is really nice,” he whispers before kissing her cheek quickly, “I’m glad you like it here.”

“Well, well, well,” Derek's voice is behind them. They pull away to see him smiling, arms wide as he saunters over, “if it isn’t the new romantics.”

“Did you have any suspicions?” Y/N asks, he was a profiler after all.

“I knew something was up,” he’s honest. “I knew you guys were actually doing stuff together, I just didn’t think there was so much angst behind closed doors?”

“You have no idea,” Y/N laughs, holding Spencer closer, “it took too long.”

“I thought you were fighting about the job, cause he wasn’t really upset until you were in Penelope’s office, and I heard the rumours even before he heard what you said,” Derek smiles again, “but I also knew you loved him and he loves you.”

“Correct,” she can’t help but smile. “But we really should head home.”

“Home we go,” Spencer agrees.

—

She asks him to unzip her dress the second they’re back in her apartment. She drops the dress to the floor and heads to the bathroom and he’s left alone in her room. It feels different now. He remembers kissing her in the living room for the first time like it was yesterday, he remembers the first time they had sex, the first time he said I love you, and now he’s here and she’s his girlfriend and he’s going to get to make more memories with her.

He’s so embarrassed by how much he’s been crying lately, something about being in his mid-30s was making him feel like he was about to go through menopause— he has never been very openly emotional, but it’s about time he lets himself feel. He wipes the tears and turns to face the wall while he takes his suit off.

He’s been through too much, a lot of which she doesn’t know of. She has promised him forever, whether she means it or not, and he’s worried he’s going to fuck it up before he gets there.

When she comes back, she lays a towel down on her side of the bed and gets in, “guess who got her period on her first day of work?”

“No?” He gasps, playing along with her playful mood. “At least you’re not pregnant.”

“Thank god,” she sighs, “please for the love of God, don’t get me pregnant for at least 5 years? I want a decent career first so that I don't miss much on maternity leave. I really don't want to be benched for having kids.”

He cries again and she looks so concerned as she gets out of bed and wraps her arms around him, “what did I say wrong, Spencer?”

Still facing the wall, he just lets it all out, “I’m sorry.”

“For what, sweetheart?” She attempts to soothe him by running her hands down his arms, “for crying or something else?”

“Crying,” he whispers and she turns him around then.

“Hey,” she looks up at him with the softest expression he’s ever seen, “you are allowed to have emotions, you are allowed to show them and ask for help and tell me when you need something. I’m not going to think you’re too much, or I can’t handle you or think of you as a burden. I know that’s how you feel because it’s how I fell, and we don’t need to go through that together.”

“I love you,” it’s the only thing that feels right to say.

“I love you,” she repeats it, “what made you cry?”

“Can we get in bed first?”

“Yeah, finish getting ready and then come tell me,” she whispers before reaching up and pressing a kiss to his lips.

He slips away to go to the bathroom, brushing his teeth and washing his face. He’s exhausted but he doesn’t want to miss any time with her. He hurries back to her side, getting into bed in his underwear and making sure both his phones are on the night table, charged and ready if they need him.

But until then, he belonged to her.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep?” It’s the first thing he asks because he knows she has a big day tomorrow. “It can wait.”

“What’s that thing you say about intermittent sleep is actually better?”

“Don’t use my words against me, I do that so people don’t stop me from doing what I think I deserve,” he’s truthful. “I’m not going to ever lie or fib to you again. I hate myself, and if I don’t feel like I’ve done enough I won't sleep or eat sometimes.”

“I do that too,” she’s not proud, “are you trying to tell me you cried cause you’re hungry or tired?”

“No,” he smiles, “but thank you for asking for clarification, I like this new system.”

“Me too.”

“I cried because I really love you and I’m realizing this is all real and I’m going to get to make good memories with you, and when you said kids, even in a hypothetical sense, it made it feel real for me,” he whispers the words before pressing his lips together awkwardly.

She glows in the lap light like she did that first night, “it’s a weird concept, isn’t it? The future. At some point I’m going to have known you longer than anyone, one day we’ll have lived with each other longer than we’ve lived apart. We might be grandparents together one day? It’s all weird to think about.”

“Do you seriously want all that with me?” He’s asking because he has another question to ask right after.

“Yes, Spencer,” she laughs. “I really do.”

“Would you like to Marry me?”

“Seriously?” Her eyes widen and her jaw drops and he’s never seen her look this stunned before.

He nods, “my mom isn’t going to able to appreciate my wedding the longer I wait, and if you really mean it; I’d like to have a wedding with my mom there while she remembers me.”

“I know her birthday is coming up, but can we bring her here instead?”

“Why?”

“My parents decided to drive from Salam to here for my graduation and use the flight money on a nice Airbnb for the week. We should do it while they’re all here because I don’t know when they’d be able to come back,” she has had the same worries about her parents missing her life.

“I’ll ask my mom,” he smiles. “So we’re getting married?”

“in like a week,” she laughs, “oh fuck, how are we going to do that in a week?”

He rolls over and grabs his personal phone, he dials a number and she looks even more confused now.

“Hey Penelope, how fast can you plan a wedding?”

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