#YALL WITH THE PISS VISION I SWEAR-
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Saw this theory on twitter about Al’s possible colourblindness when he arrived in hell as a deer demon. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
#hazbin art#hazbin hotel#his whole outfit is red by accident#alastor prbly told vox ‘u r the only splash of colour in my life’ and vox took it as a love confession#except he meant it literally#YALL WITH THE PISS VISION I SWEAR-#hazbin alastor#hazbin vox#staticradio#radiostatic
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crying ; eddie brock.
track two of DEAR SCIENCE.
pairing ; eddie brock x vigilante!gn!reader ft. venom
synopsis ; society’s busted and we’re all wearing rose-colored glasses.
words ; 1.5k
themes ; comedy, mild action
warnings / includes ; profanity, lots of blood, violence, serious injuries, one mention of getting drunk, venom and reader are bffs, venom is an annoying little shit, 90 day fiance is mentioned twice LMAO, this fic is basically just the three of yall bickering constantly <3
main masterlist.
There were always those scenes in movies where the main character sat up somewhere high, staring out at the city below them, and made some sort of offhand comment about how beautiful the view was. The fact that you thought the city still looked like trash from all way up here probably meant you were a side character of some sorts. You didn’t quite mind that. The streets always stank of piss and puke and weed, but you supposed that was home for you.
You and Eddie were perched atop the scaffolding of a half-completed tower, observing the sun bleed out over the sky as it descended below the horizon. Having freshly slunken away from an alley fight, you were bleeding profusely from several orifices—dried blood caked the entirety of the bottom half of your face and you’d acquired a nifty new stab wound to your abdomen. It should’ve concerned you that it was slightly more laborious to breathe than usual, which led you to believe you had a fractured rib. Fuck. It’s not like you could go to the hospital—a vigilante with no name had no business in a place like that.
Eddie, on the other hand, looked perfectly fine (or, as fine as he usually did, which wasn’t very fine at all). He was unscathed due to the lovely fact that he had a literal goo parasite living inside him, but you supposed you couldn’t complain. He ate like trash and would barely sleep an hour a week, so you weren’t really sure who was worse off at the moment.
With a wheezing sigh, you took a bite out of the sandwich Eddie split with you.
“Why the fuck is there egg salad in this?” you snarled while shooting Eddie the dirtiest look you could muster, drawing your legs in towards your chest so you could rest your chin on your knees. “I’ve told you a million times by now—that shit is disgusting.”
Eddie grunted around a mouthful of his half of the egg salad sandwich. “It was all they had left. Just eat it, I don’t want you to starve.”
With a disconcerted groan, you ripped off another chunk and chewed angrily, ignoring the clicking sound in your sore jaw. God, you were so tired. Were your eyes slipping shut or was that your vision growing darker? You honestly couldn’t quite tell.
“Why don’t we go back to your place and watch a movie, hm? I’d invite you to mine, but Venom trashed the place. Punched me in the face with my own fist!” he chuckled dryly, but there was genuine irritation behind his words. Then he sucked at his own teeth with a scowl gracing his worn features. “I think I need to go see the dentist soon.”
“You were being rude! It was so uncalled for! I made waffles for you!” you heard Venom’s gravelly voice grumble. They really did bicker like an old married couple.
Eddie burst out into another squeaky tangent—now something about how Venom never respected his boundaries, god they were such a pain to work with—before you felt yourself slump forward and everything went pitch black for a moment.
“I swear to god, if you bring up Anne one more time—I… Y/N? Buddy, are you okay? Oh, there they go.”
You were, in fact, not okay. Taking a dozen blows to the head definitely wasn’t good for your physical health, was it? Not to mention the faceful of concrete, the stab wound, and that really annoying pain in your jaw. You began teetering dangerously from the railing of the tower, before you were slipping off to the side, and you were going down, down, down…
Until a slimy black tentacle arm wrapped around your midriff, and you were swiftly dragged back upwards. A gasp startled itself from your throat as you were ripped from the haze of unconsciousness, eyelids shooting open. Oh, your sandwich was falling off the edge of the tower. Whatever, it’s not like you’d miss it, anyways. You felt bad for whichever poor soul would inevitably smell like egg salad for the rest of the day.
“Ugh, fuck,” you groaned, slapping Venom away from you with a pinched frown. “Stop squeezing me so tight, I think I broke a rib.”
“A thank you would be nice,” the alien muttered lowly. Your scowl only deepened, and you flipped him off angrily. “You know I could drop you off this tower and have you killed easily, right?”
A sardonic leer stretched your bloody lips thin. “You like me too much to do that.”
“That’s true. You are my friend. Even though I tried to eat you when I first met you.”
A huff of a laugh bubbled from your lungs at his words. “Yeah, and I still have yet to hear an apology from you.” Venom remained blissfully quiet, and you hummed in satisfaction. “Yeah, that’s what I thought, big guy. You’re a shit friend, but you’re a friend nonetheless.”
The dark limb that had extended from Eddie’s back retracted back within his body and Eddie rolled his stiff shoulders with a grunt. “Anyways, as I was saying,” he said nonchalantly, as if you weren’t on the precipice of tumbling to your death just moments ago, “we could watch some crappy reality TV if you don’t have any movies you wanna see. 90 Day Fiance makes me feel better about how much of a mess my own life is.”
“Glad to see you’re being honest with yourself,” you snorted, elbowing him in the side. “But, sure, I’m down. It’ll try to keep me awake, anyway. If I pass out again, I might not wake up again.”
“Don’t say that,” Eddie hissed. “I can’t believe you sometimes. I specifically told you not to come with me this time, and what did you do? You came with me!”
Guffawing, you gruffed out, “That’s what she said.” When Eddie’s scowl only deepened, a shrug lifted one of your shoulders upwards, but you regretted the motion immediately when a jolt of pain coursed through your arm. Carefully, you set your limb back down and fixed your partner with a pointed stare. “You know what, Eddie, you’re not my therapist. Kindly shut the fuck up. It’s over now. Besides, you needed me. If I wasn’t there, you and Venom would’ve been fucked!”
“They’re right,” Venom’s gnarled voice admitted.
“Thank you.”
“Stop encouraging them!” Eddie shrieked indignantly.
“Might I remind you that you’re just as much of a vigilante as I am?” you asked. “We may be fucked up bastards, but society would be fucked without us. We’re all just wearing rose-colored glasses, blind to our own sins. Ugh, what am I even saying? I need to get drunk.” Your eyes slid shut again. “God, I’m so tired. Just… I’m just gonna lie down and go to sleep, okay? G’night guys.”
“No!” Eddie barked out, panic twinging his words. “No, no, no, you stay awake! Venom, slap them. Stay awake, Y/N!”
A cold fist slammed into your cheekbone and you half-groaned, half-sobbed as you crumpled into the scaffolding, cursing out a storm. Pain blossomed all over your face and you spat blood onto the wood, eyes barely pried open.
Eddie was all over you in an instant. “Oh, fuck, oh God, I’m so sorry! Are you okay? What the fuck, Venom? I said slap them! Lightly!”
“You didn’t say lightly,” Venom said, unsure why Eddie was making such a big deal out of this. You were just punched, like, a million times today, what was the issue with one more?
Faintly, you could feel Eddie’s arms haul you up to your limp legs.
“Jesus Christ. Okay, c’mon, you’re okay, let’s go back to your place. No hospitals, yeah? Are you sure?”
“No hospitals!” you hacked out, mouth tasting an awful lot like copper.
“Eddie, they’re getting blood all over your jacket.”
“Not the time, Venom!”
“I really like this jacket, Eddie.”
The sky was dark now, and it made it hard for you to see anything as you stumbled along with Eddie. “I like this jacket, too,” you slurred, despite not being able to see the article of clothing and not at all remembering what it looked like.
“You can have it, buddy,” Eddie said, patting your back lightly. “C’mon, I’ll take care of you.”
After a beat of struggling silence, you heard Venom choke out apprehensively, “I’m sorry I hit you.”
It hurt to smile, but you did so nonetheless. “Like I said,” you rasped, “you’re a shit friend, but you’re a friend nonetheless.”
“I like you better than Eddie,” Venom commented, which made you hoarsely cackle and Eddie balked angrily. “You’re not a pussy.”
“Thanks, Venom.” After a moment’s hesitation, you added on, “But if you hit me again, I’ll murder you in your sleep.”
“I don't need sleep, but fair enough, little human,” the alien easily said. Then, following a lengthy pause, he asked, “Eddie, what is 90 Day Fiance?”
#eddie brock x reader#marvel fanfiction#eddie brock fanfiction#eddie brock angst#eddie brock imagines#eddie brock drabbles#venom x reader#eddie brock scenarios#venom fanfiction#venom imagines#venom drabbles#venom scenarios#marvel x reader
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sk8 boys would reacting to you pulling them in by their belt
synopsis: you pulling the sk8 babes in by their belts for a kiss
pairings: joe x reader, cherry x reader, reki x reader, langa x reader
warnings: kissing, suggestive themes, swearing
notes: not me just seeing this tiktok trend ...but thoughts are being thunk...❤️ also, i apologize in advance for any grammatical/spelling errors
word count: 1,930
JOE
this flirty ass b*tch 😒
he thinks he’s so smooth...and he is!
i see y’all bar hopping in the early talking stages of your relationship
so you’re seated the bar and you’re kinda annoyed because maybe there are a couple girls who come up to him and offer to buy him a drink? (of course they would, have you seen how he’s built?)
BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE BAD PART
this mf get’s up from his stool and starts FLIRTING BACK?? AND YOU’RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE —🧍♀️
but then he turns back to you and see’s the displeased look on your face.
cue joe nervously laughing and gently shooing the other girls away
but you’re already pissed bc like? the nerve of him? and in front of you??
you stare straight past him, leaning your elbow up on the bar table as he stands in front of you. babbling out apologies(?)
if you can even call them that?
“babe, i’m sorry! you know it’s force of habit! i didn’t even get to see what they looked like! and they were being nice! what was I supposed to do? tell them to get gone? i was just being polite to them, i’m a feminist after all 😏—”
b*tch...what?
you feel like you’re getting dumber just listening to him
so you kinda tilt your head to look at him and let your hands settle on the front of his belt
his voice kinda tilts? like it slightly gets a just a bit higher ?
before he can even make a smart ass remark, you firmly tug him towards you and kiss him
he hums in surprise before chuckling into the kiss and bringing his warm, calloused hands up to your face
he pulls away and quickly pecks at your lips before playfully outing
“oof, so mean”
“but you like that” you reply before kissing him again
meanwhile, the bartender is watching yall like “😐😑😐”
REKI
like with joe, i imagine you pulling this stunt off in the beginning of your relationship
you and reki are in the little workshop behind his house doing normal relationship stuff
you know, reki working on a skateboard repair while you lovingly admire his side profile...yea ❤️
he’s so absorbed in his work, his eyebrows are furrowed every so slightly, and he’ll randomly clench his jaw and WOWOWOW HE LOOK SO GOOD!
you feel so blessed just being able to take this sight in
you’re watching him intently with your elbows propped up on the table and your face resting between your hands
reki’s in the middle of tightening the screws when he notices you looking out of his peripheral vision
he glances over to you and sees you staring at him
have y’all seen that meme of meghan markle at her wedding looking up at harry?
YEA, YEA you’re literally looking up at reki like that
and boy does reki get FLUSTERED
he tries to act cool about catching you staring but baby is blushing way too hard
“w-what?”, reki mentally kicks himself for stammering as he returns his focus to the skateboard
“you look really hot right now”
reki damn near chokes and his face gets even more red (if that’s even possible)
he turns his back to you to reach for a wrench on the wall adjacent to him
but he's trynna hide how hard he's blushing uwu
you're laughing now and the melodic sound makes the tension in reki’s shoulders dissipate
yea...y’all are whipped for each other
reki is pouting with his back to you, still “looking” for his wrench
when all of sudden, he feels your hands settle on his waist, urging him to turn around
"rekiiiiii", you playfully whine. "i can't admire my boyfriend?"
he's turning around to tell you that he's busy, but then your fingers hook onto his belt
and before his brain can compute what's happening, you're sharply tugging his belt and your mouth is on his, hot and heavy
and reki moans
and it's so high-pitched and so earnest and so loud, you almost want to giggle
but then his knees buckle and he kinda collapses forward into you
so y'all both kinda shuffle back, but reki manages to catch himself by wrapping his arms around you for support
you're about to pull away to ask if he's okay, but then he brings one hand up to your face and parts his mouth
and when you gasp against his mouth, he feels slightly relieved knowing his dignity has been saved somehow
reki pulls away first, panting, and rests his forehead against your collarbone, trying to hide his face again
"you suck" he murmurs into your chest, slightly dizzy
you hum contentedly, combing his hair back before kissing the top of his head
CHERRY
first of all, this mf is an aries (just when i thought he couldn’t get sexier)
and aries men...🥴
basically, you have to do a lot to actually fluster this man
so let’s say he takes you with him for a two-day work trip on a nearby island
while he works with his clients during the day, you busy yourself by wandering around the hotel or walking along the beach
basically, the only time the two of you have together is in the evening
it’s your last night before y’all have to return to okinawa
kaoru tells you to get dressed and takes you out to this expensive ass restaurant and he’s sooooo f*cking romantic
the love in his eyes,,,, his soft ass smile as he watches you ramble in between taking sips from your wine glass
he’s looking at you as you’re personally responsible for the sun rising each day
i mean, you could’ve been talking about how you saw a crab on the beach that was missing a leg, and kaoru would just be like “tell me more bby 🥰😍”
when y’all make it back to the hotel, you’re both a little tipsy (kaoru is more so buzzed)
you’re holding onto kaoru’s arm as you both take the elevator up to your hotel room
kaoru feels you slightly sway against him and he leans over to kiss the top of your head
“you alright, darling?” he murmurs into your hair
he takes your hand in his and runs the pad of his thumb over the back of your hand
and he does all of this while his lips are pressed against the top of your head— SIR PLS ✋😩
it’s an chaste act and you know he’s genuinely concerned but after two glasses of wine, your brain is just—🥴
hornknee thoughts only 😩💯
sloppily, you wiggle out of kaoru’s embrace before centering yourself in front of him with your hands placed on his chest
at your action, kaoru’s eyebrow raises ever so slightly but he keeps silent, slightly amused
“you’re so f*cking fine” you murmur, slightly smoothing your hands over kaoru’s chest, staring him right in eye
“oh?”
“yea, and you don’t even try. What’s that like?”
by now, kaoru’s softly smiling. “what’s what like, my love?”
“what’s it like to be so hot without even trying?”
and before ol boy can even reply to that, your hands find his belt before firmly pulling him in for a kiss
kaoru hums at the sudden jolt but then sighs appreciatively through his nose and wastes no time parting his mouth for you
b*tch, you’re the one who’s moaning skxhsnwje
still kissing you, he smooths your hair back with one hand before grabbing a fistful of your hair
he firmly yanks your hair back and deepens the kiss, and you just— 🤸♀️
the moan that elicits from you, is OTHERWORLDY
you feel the elevator roll to a stop
kaoru pulls back with a grin on his face and so much love in his eyes that you’re tempted to go in for round two
but then the elevator door slides open and he grabs your hand, tugging you into the hallways
as he leads you to the hotel room, kaoru slightly turns his head back to smile at you, with the same amount of love in his eyes
LANGA
i feel like langa may get flustered as easily as reki might, but he’s manages to be a lot more cool about it
which kinda drives you up the wall? you just wanna see your boyfriend embarrassed for once
all he does is slightly blush with a straight face and glance away
so let’s say he’s walking you home after you, him, and reki were hanging about at a skatepark
the sun had already set and langa is walking beside you with his skateboard under one arm.
the walk is pretty silent, but it’s a comfortable silence. langa finds that he and you can soak up each other’s presence without having to say a word
you see him jolt out of your peripheral vision and you’re like ???
before you can glance over and ask if he’s okay, he quickly grabs your hand
you glance up at him, confused, and he simply replies “i forgot to hold your hand, sorry”
langa wtf??
fighting back the urge to laugh, you squeeze his hand and tell him it’s fine
both of you share a soft smile, before the easy silence continues for the rest of the walk
when y’all arrive on your porch steps, you turn to him and thank him for walking you home
langa assures you it’s no problem before saying goodnight
he’s turns around and takes a couple steps away, when you clear your throat
he glances back at you, quizzically
you’re standing on the porch step, with your hands behind your back.
there’s a mischievous glint in your eyes
“aren’t you forgetting something?” you playfully chide him
langa: 😐😑😐
you can literally see the gears turning in langa’s head
“...did you want me to walk you to your bedroom?”
you can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of you, and langa feels his cheeks reddened slightly
“angel, no. I meant a goodnight kiss?”
“o-oh, right”
his brows furrowed slightly as he determinedly making his way over to you
he’s so—&:&72737
as he’s making his way over, an idea pops into your head and you kinda “>:3”
when langa is standing in front of you, your hands grip onto his belt and you yank him into a kiss
bby boy almost drops his skateboard
he quickly inhaled through his nose before giving a stuttered moan and you smile into the kiss
you’re standing on the first step to your porch so the added height is giving you more access
BITE HIS MFIN LIP! he will gasp so prettily into your mouth
entranced, he keeps leaning more and more forward, that is, until the back of your foot hits the step behind you
stumbling backwards, you fall back and pull langa along right with you
you fall right on your ass, yelping as you knock foreheads with langa as he falls into you
so now, you’re both left moaning, gripping your foreheads
“are you okay?” langa asks you, dropping his hand from his forehead revealing a red mark
you begin to laugh at the sight of it and langa just stares at you, confused but slightly defensive
“w-what?!”
“your forehead is red” you giggle
“well yea, you slammed your forehead into mine”
“you slammed your forehead into mine” you give him a quick peck on his lip before smoothing his hair hair back
“that looks like it’s gonna bruise,” you murmur and press a kiss to his forehead “I’ll get you some ice, come inside”
end notes: i wanted to get this out in time for cherry’s bday!
#sk8 the infinity x reader#joe x reader#reki x reader#cherry blossom x reader#langa x reader#sk8 the infinty
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i was reading your twins AU(WHICH IS AMZING BTW) and what if it was darker? Like their anger and rage and having to live inside the walls kind of overwhelms them and they go a tiny bit feral, like if canon camilo's description of bruno was accurate and it applied to all of them. Not to the point of like complete primal instincts but a tiny bit like, they'd actively try to show up in the casita at night when someone *might* see them and growls when someone does but then always get away before whoever it is actually identifies them and whisper-screech their resentments behind the walls when everyone's trying to sleep and it freaks everyone out. Idk i really like revenge stuff (˙◁˙)
Yall are absolutely deranged as hell... I'm here for it!
Okay but this is such a cool take on the au, I'm all for villain arcs. I'm legit a villain apologist on main because media make them so cool, so no surprise here that I am living for this!
At first they're the same, hiding behind the walls because they love this family and they can't bring themselves to leave or split up. The hunger they feel each night starts to get too much, and they don't know what to do. It only gets worse when Camilo and Mirabel get sick the third night in the walls. Bruno already feels a little bit of resentment after his fight with Alma, and how everyone reacted during Mirabel's ceremony, but it spirals into something deeper as he watches his mellizos get sick and go to sleep hungry.
Dolores is obviously there to help, she gives them Julieta's cooking and helps with their fevers. But she can't sneak food for them all the time, leaving Camilo to go get food for the family himself. I feel like his shifting would get a little warped here, he's a five-year-old stuck living in his family walls due to fear of what could happen to his sister. He's so angry all the time that anytime he shifts into anyone that isn't Bruno, Mirabel, or Dolores it always looks wrong. You can't tell at first, but if you look too closely a deeply unsettling feeling will worm into your gut and you feel like you need to run, right now. Everyone in the family learns to avoid the kitchen at night because you might run into a family member that gives you an off feeling and has the slightest glow to their eyes. He still steals things or rearranges things at night, so it becomes all the creepier of the years. (The family thinks Casita is cursed because Bruno and his children left, which does not help them since they can hear them.)
Mirabel is probably the angriest. You'd think it was Bruno, or Camilo but it's Mirabel. She's just such a caring and kind person, having to watch her Papa struggle with the thought of leaving for them or staying for the family, watching her Hermano grow thin because of his fast metabolism would piss her the hell off. She'd be mad on their behalf, and eventually on her own. Because she's in the walls, she can't get new glasses once she grows out of her old ones. Dolores can sneak them clothes, thread, and needles as much as she can but she can't explain why she'd go get glasses in town, everyone would know. So Mirabel has to grow up half-blind, parkouring the walls of her own damn home with her scorned family members. Isabela and Luisa swear up and down, something is glaring at them through the walls at night, catching squinting glowing eyes appearing one moment, gone the next.
If Bruno genuinely looked like Camilo's description, oh boy things are so worse for rat-man. A pale, 7ft seer, would scare the villagers so much more. He's obviously harmless, but once he got his growth spurt in his teens, they grew way warier. It only got worse when his visions "took a turn for the worse" (Bruno was kind of a 'gifted kid', and his vision were seen as a good thing for a while.) Luciana is still into him despite everything (bless my girl's heart) and of course here come the twins. Luciana's death is blamed directly on Bruno for being involved with her, which hurts. Luciana's parents don't believe that but the villager's words still hurt a lot. Most kids avoid the twins because their Bruno's kids and they don't understand why until their wall era. The villagers try to be nice to the twins but yeah they are still very wary of Bruno's kids, rumors will always be spreading.
When they end up disappearing after the gift ceremony they are in full support of never speaking of them again, not even for the Madrigal's sake, everyone in town was just creeped out by that branch. Villagers hear how the Madrigal Casita is haunted at night since their disappearance and the rumors only grow.
I don't know where else to go with this but damn did you give me horror ideas. I am a huge horror nerd, I will go crazy and write about them being horror icons if anyone wants me too tehee <3
I even drew about this the minute I got the ask, which is why it took me so long to reply.
(Camilo will always be a cursed menace in my heart. This is peak comedy.)
I gave them all animal familiars in the drawing, but they’d all probably have rats.
I initially just forgot to give Mirabel glasses but then I realized, she’d never have glasses if she went into the walls and damn that makes the good wall ending so sad </3
#encanto#encanto disney#disney encanto#disney#bruno madrigal#camilo madrigal#mirabel madrigal#alma madrigal#dolores madrigal#encanto au#papa of two au#papa with twins au#answered#evil bruno au#evil mirabel au#evil camilo au
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heartbreak avenue (3) || albedo x reader
heartbreak avenue (1)
heartbreak avenue (2)
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tell me how, do you do this thing called living? when theres nothing more to gain.
gn reader
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ignore the link below idk how tf to hyperlink on mobile but that’s ur part 4 ig
damn. imagine missing mond so much that you visit just for the vibes and accidentally become a one time vigilante for dominating over a couple abyss mages
how oddly specific!
you moment.
TO BE FAIR, you didn't mean to and also ur just strong with that 245% crit damage ugh yeah yeah get it ig
it was night time, like, idk 1am and you were in this cloak because idk look swaggy and comfortable
abyss mage went ŏ̸̡̡̹̘͉̫̬̬̭̘̙̝͐͒̆̈́̒̿̄́͠͝ǒ̸̧̺͕̣̬̝̱͈̭̭̻̮̈̏̔͆̑̀̍ǫ̵̡̜̲̭̠̤̰̹͍̣͎̤̈́̓̍͠ḩ̴̡͍̣̹̯̭̩̮̣̩̭́̔̀̍͊̂͒́̆͘͜͝͝ȃ̷̧̡̢̡̨̛̪͓̤̜͕̳̦̼͊̏̃͆̓̈́̈́̽̈́͌͐̋̚ͅh̸̡̩͍̟͕̥͚̰̰̟̮̖̪̉̈́͛͂̍̾a̸̧̢͕̙̞̳̩͈̲͉͕̒̆̎̐̎̍̀͊͘̚͝h̸̡̼͓̝͕̫̤̰̱̬̣̗͚̙̀͜ and you were like "lmao shut up"
and like it did! because you made it shut up and also mans diluc was watching in his dark knight hero thingy
of course you noticed his presence from the beginning, you just wanted to piss him off and act like he wasn't there at all
you walked. straight past him like he was actually on the bridge in the middle and you just w al ked .
i mean ofc he gonna say something. and he did. dude said "who r u"
stared at him directly in the eye and said "the embryo made of chewed bubblegum."
he stared. sh o ck ed . what were you even saying
"jk im a resident of mondstadt, visiting from my liyue trip."
"and how do i know you arent lying?"
you sighed and grabbed your dendro vision, letting him look at the frame. "its incased in a mondstadt styled frame." after a few seconds, you put it back. "if that is all, i'll be going."
"k"
"literally fuck off" you responded and walked inside.
sometimes you forget how rude mondstadt people are lmao loser.
ok so like this donna girl really went up to you like "JFKLSJFLKSDJFL NUMBER ??? HELLO ?? UMM THE WAY YOU SAVED MONDSTADT RLKDFFC" and you resisted every urge to flip her off on the spot.
you just stayed and let her talk, smiling through all of it. your hood was still on but it was quite windy s ooo
its been ten minutes. girl please let us go. you were literally begging for anyone to cut in because ur too nice (or unbothered) to tell her to shut up even though you totally went off on diluc aadahahhshdf
and someone did! not the one you expected though.
"good evening donna, and... oh? who would you be?"
ALBEDO LMAO GET STICKBUGGED? ? ? ?? AH a hjfkahfjah . im so funny .
guys i meant that ironically please
anyway
you got even more uncomfortable lmao and you just looked at him and smiled. what do you respond? "no one of importance."
he heard your voice, saw your eyes and it registered. it was you...
or was that what he wanted to believe?
cause this whole time hes been waiting for you, only using experiments as a thing to pass time. it got... a little more lonelier, because nothing could replace you.
he decided to not believe it. because 1) you knew well they welcomed you with open arms, so there would be no need to hide yourself
(which is also proof of how much the whole situation fucked up your thinking)
a second of silence before he continues on the conversation with normal evening meeting stuff things idk
then ur like "ahhshaaajk i must be taking my leave now for matters i will not disclose ahaha skidoosh"
skidoosh
so you go to the big venti statue next to the cathedral and just stand. stare. yikes
no ones out right now and theres nothing to do. but you remember this place because its where the both of yall would eat together whenever he had free time (which wasnt that often, but he still made the effort)
you look up to the sky, counting all the stars like you used to.
no ones gonna know that you're here, you decided on that. you only visited because you simply missed it, but after this, you were going back to liyue.
no ones gonna know. because no one needs to know. no one needs to know that you were here. that would only cause more trouble to the situation you tried to avoid
albedo ends up catching up to you later, still having some spark of hope left that it really was you
i mean lowkey there isnt really anything saying it wasnt. he wanted to believe that he was just overthinking when he thought it really wasnt you
like you look the same. sound the same. its just the reasoning of you coming here, but he can push that aside
"(y/n)."
you flinch but didnt react with anything else. he doesnt need to know that its you.
"(y/n)?"
you turn around to meet his eyes as he was approaching you. slightly distancing yourself another inch away as you were not used to the proximity, you responded, "i'm afraid i'm not the one you're looking for."
albedo stops for a moment, and was about to apologize,, but then
yknow that wind i mentioned earlier? like right after donna started bothering you
yeah that same wind blew ur hood off! lmao L
okay time to get serious !
you stay composed and sighed, your breath visible in the cold air.
so your features are exposed, and its so obviously you, like theres literally no way it cannot be you
"it really is you..." he doesnt understand why youre not admitting to it. "(y/n), please.."
you shake your head and walk away but mans grabs your wrist gently
"(y/n), whats wr-" he starts, but youre quick to respond
"im not (y/n)." you flat out said it and looked right into his eyes. and you swear there were small tears even if he was deemed nonchalant.
he doesnt understand, its your physical features, and your same energy, there is no other person that completely matches it.
he pulls you closer to examine this black smudge on your hand, a small yelp of surprise coming from you.
"this is... ink," he studied the properties of the substance. "you responded to my letter a day ago. (y/n)... i know by now. there's no reason to hide it."
you step away, freeing your hand from his grasp. your voice broke, tears forming in the corners of your eyes. "i'm not... i'm not (y/n). i never will be. i'll never be so vulnerable again, i'll never be so naive again, i'll never be so lonely again, i will never ever be anything like they were again."
your vision blurred, but you werent oblivious to the tears streaming down his face as well. reaching to brush them away, you paused and let it drop to his shoulder instead.
"albedo. i... the (y/n) you knew... they're gone now. and if i could revert back to them any time, i would, i swear, but... i'm al-... they..." you buried your head in your hands. "i'm broken. to the point that i refuse to identify as the (y/n) you know me by."
doesnt know what to say, so he almost pulls you into a hug before you move out of the way. something you never did.
"don't... please. it never works out in the end." you shake your head, facing the other way. "for me at least."
"..we could work together, no?" he tried, still oblivious about your feelings towards him.
"only if you're willing to cross your moral boundaries," you looked back and tilted your head. taking a deep breath, you continued, "but you know that neither of us are willing to do that."
he couldn't say anything, because as much as he hated to admit something for once, you were right about that. at this point, he would've thought that literally any extent would've been fine to reach to bring you back.
yet in multiple situations where he's doubted himself before, theres always a line he will never cross.
"...i wish you the best. treat her well because i worked hard." you walked away without him stopping you this time. i worked hard. not we worked hard.
even if you had honestly felt that way, there was no chance the old you wouldve actually voiced that.
and so he watched you slip from his grasp again, only this time, he stopped himself from holding you back from his own will.
yet he swears- the next time he meets you again, he will bring you back.
#albedo x reader#genshin impact x reader#albedo#genshin albedo#genshin angst#albedo angst#sucrose#genshin impact fanfiction#genshin impact#genshin x reader#genshin headcanons
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Titans: Prodigal (3x12)
1. Garfield really turned into a bat… I mean if he was gonna change, I’m glad it had meaning behind in. I am kind of wondering how a bat will do in battle but I’ll take this win for now. The CGI was a1 too! Also it was great to get an insight on why Gar hasn’t changed in to other animals. The writers listen when they want to chile.
2. How are we getting Dick’s soul back when he comes back from the lazarus pit?? Do you lose your soul in this DCU’s version? lmao
3. They took pictures of Dick’s dead body 🥴
4. Why is Barbara arrested? This makes no sense.
5. Jason was annoying asf. Why are we pretending like Dick was jealous of Jason? This storyline is overused and inaccurate. Just like calling Bruce an abusive foster dad. Jason was impulsive as all get out and he never listened. he always got himself in to trouble but somehow we’re blaming it all on Dick? FOOLISH.
6. I love Komand’r saving Conner but she just automatically knows how to use her new fire powers? Among other things, I wonder why the writers just switched up everything with Starfire and Blackfire’s storylines. Blackfire is good? Y’all need to quit playing with me.
7. Dick and Kory’s child… that little girl is adorable as hell but why y’all bring her into this foolishness? Is this the writers way of saying dickkory is still endgame? This was the only dickkory thing about this season so far. This scene would feel/ be different if this season Dick was trying to wrestle with his feelings for both Barbara and Kory. The vision of mar’i would be his way of telling himself Kory is the one. Just a very big missed opportunity for development.
8. “Is it ok if I call you my girlfriend” aww.
9. Dick on some “Unite the Titans”. Let’s see how long this lasts.
10. Smh Komand’r leaving is Conner’s villan origin story 😭😭. He is gonna be on his Lex Luther shit next season. BELIEVE THAT!
11. HOLD THE FUCK UP!!! YALL HEAR THAT SCORE WHEN KOMANDR ASKS CONNER TO HELP HER??? THAT IS THE CLASSIC SUPERMAN SCORE BUT AT A DEEPER REGISTER!!! I swear I typically don’t notice things like this but wow how do you miss it??
12. At the end of this season, I need Jason to take a break like Dawn did. Just a trip to a DC city no one has ever heard of that has no cell service.
13. “You’ll never be a Titan again”
14. Conner done fucked shit up jesus. Evil Conner has arrived sooner than I thought🥴 The hold of a first love man. Punani be powerful!
15. Ok Barbara let’s reboot Ms. Oracle 👏🏾
16. I really hate everyone up down and through this batcave. I’m sorry but y’all got no choice but to blow that mansion up.
I have to say, this episode was better than the rest. There are still things that pissed me off but there are things I really enjoyed. Gar and Rachel working together and Gar opening up to Rachel. Conner turning on Kom was predictable in the moment. Not gonna lie, I thought Kom would turn on Conner lol. This is the perfect time to bring out Conner’s Luther side. It did break my little Konner heart. I feel like it is taking Donna and Tim forever to reunite with the Titans. Their story is dragging a bit for me. Dick… it’s always at the end of the season when he wants to work with his team. I’m over it. This should be a season thing.
#titans dcu#dcu titans#titans#dc titans#titans dc#brenton thwaites#dick grayson#nightwing#anna diop#mame anna diop#koriand'r#kory anders#starfire#teagan croft#rachel roth#raven#ryan potter#garfield logan#beast boy#curran walters#jason todd#red hood#conor leslie#donna troy#wonder girl#joshua orpin#conner kent#superboy#savannah welch#barbara gordon
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EDIT: Hey guys, I just posted this work on ao3! Check it out
I asked yall to send me some dinluke prompts, so @elionwriter sent me this one!
"Sure, how about a first kiss scene? Maybe both of them being shy, flushed messes?"
This was a really fun prompt to write! It took me a while longer to write it than I thought it would, but I like how it turned out. I hope you like it 💖
If you guys want me to write something for you, just send me a dinluke prompt on my ask!
(Since English is not my first language, this probably has a lot of errors. If you find any errors, please tell me!)
Prompt: Dinluke First Kiss
They were outside the Jedi Temple on Yavin IV, sitting on the grass, sharing stories and a bottle of corellian wine like they always did when Din came to visit Grogu every two weeks. But this time something was… different.
Maybe it was the way their touches lingered just a little longer while passing the bottle of wine back and forth. Maybe Din was a little more tipsy than he would like to admit, and his slightly blurry vision made his jedi friend look a little more ethereal than normal under the fading sunlight. He looked so beautiful, with his golden hair shining under Yavin's sunset and deep blue eyes brighter than the hottest stars, a small smile growing on his wine tinted lips. They were so close, shoulders brushing against each other, because Luke was as touch starved as Din, though he would never admit it.
It all happened too quickly. Overwhelmed by his feelings, in a moment of courage and passion, Din took Luke's lips on his own and kissed him. It was a shy touch of lips, innocent but still enough to shake Din's whole being. Slowly, Luke broke their kiss. He huffed a laugh, their foreheads still touching as Din regained his breath after their kiss.
For a second, everything seemed right. Then all hell broke loose inside Din's mind.
He kissed Luke kriffing Skywalker. His son's teacher, the last jedi. A jedi.
Din thought that his ancestors must be really pissed at him right now. A mandalorian and jedi, huh? They'll never see it coming. To be honest, Din didn't see it coming either.
Din kissed Luke. His best friend, his soulmate. His Luke. The man he cares for so deeply that being away from him feels like his heart was being ripped apart from his chest. The man he... loves?
Oh.
He loves him. It took Din so long to finally realize but that kiss made everything fall into place, there's no denying anymore: He loves Luke.
He fell in love with Luke so easily that it didn't even feel like falling. It felt like coming home after so many years not knowing what that four letter word truly meant.
I love him, I love him, I love him-
Luke, I-
“I’m in love with you.” Din whispered, words falling from his lips easily and faster than his mind could process.
“What?” Luke said in a high-pitched tone, his face suddenly becoming red as corellian wine.
“Shit! Did I say that out loud?” Din felt his own cheeks getting hot, his heart beating fast like it was ready to make a hyperspace jump “Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t- Kriff I don’t really mean it!”
“You… don’t?” Luke’s eyes lost their spark for a second, and Din mentally cursed himself for that.
“No! I mean, yes! I mean-“ Din groaned, hiding his face into his hands “I didn’t mean to tell you like that. But I am in love with you! And I mean it, Luke. I really, truly mean it.” He sighed “But you don’t need to reciprocate! It’s fine if you don’t-“
“Din”
“We can just forget that happened! I shouldn’t have kissed you and- “ Gods, he is a blabbering mess.
“Din.”
“I’ll never touch this subject again, I swear-“
“Din!” Luke… laughed? He laughed, he must think Din it’s the stupidest man alive “Force, I can’t believe that’s the most I ever heard you talk at once and I’ll have to shut you up”
Din frowned, confused
“Why would you-“ Then Luke kissed him. He kissed him, like he truly means it. Din doesn’t want to create any expectations about the jedi’s feelings about him, but the way he kisses him it’s so soft and passionate at the same time that it almost feels like Luke might-
“I’m in love with you, Din Djarin”
Might love him back. And he does.
//
Aaand that's it! If you liked this little prompt, please consider buying me a ko-fi!
#din is a little bit ooc here#bc i liked the idea of him being a complete mess over luke#send me prompts#dinluke#star wars#din djarin#luke skywalker#writing
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The "American propaganda" rhetoric from many kids on this site really has my eyebrows raising. Like... are we watching the same show??? Is that their takeaway from listening to Isaiah's story, watching Sam's experiences, or seeing the gov do an immediate aboutface with the Shield? Did they think that the scene of the band's was an endorsement of performative patriotism (admittedly... it was a cool rendition) as opposed to a critique??? Then again, seeing how many of them seem to stan the Flag Smashers, anything not endorsing their anarchic fantasies is probably "statist/military propaganda".
I think it’s a convienient line they give, and excuse to not look any deeper. They think they appear ‘woke’ and thus immune to any criticism to actually seeing what the show has actually been saying and where it’s been really obvious about going.
It’s a nice little bit they can say and feel like what they are saying is sympathetic (when really they are dismissing this black showrunner’s vision lol) and they can go on and focus on what they are really here for... their favorite fan-canon.
*sigh*
Like, I have been in fandom for a long time and I can tell you, the people I focus on and run w/ in fanworks *NEVER HAVE* their shit go canon and I don’t expect it to.
But I swear the entitlement...
They are really acting like they think this black man (Malcolm Spellman) who has told you from the jump that this is about Sam’s journey and Anthony Mackie(!) (who they keep giving lip-service to protecting) who has been candid about how proud and anxious he was about the reception to this storyline about his walk as a black man to being Captain America.... is purposely fucking w/ them because the storylines they play in, in fandom haven’t manifested exactly the way they imagine it to *in* this show THAT ISN’T ABOUT THAT.... I just.
They don’t like this show.
They DON’T LIKE THIS SHOW!!
And okay fine, not everybody is gonna feel a real connection to those horrific skeletons that impact to this day when it comes to institutional racism and day-to-day living in black skin.
But then keep your mouth shut about what’s going on in canon, then. Because it’s clear you do not have the empathetic capacity.
Don’t try to pretend you do care, if you don’t.
Just stay in your playground and *out* of any criticism of this show in the hands of this black man who has TOLD YOU *explicitly* that his main thrust is Sam’s journey...not your fucking ship(!) and didn’t even dismiss you when you asked(!!!).
It’s not baiting to tell you straight up... “THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.”
Enjoy the fantastic bonus that these two theatre nerds have AMAZING chemistry and aren’t immature when they approach their characters’ arcs, because true artists don’t really give af about whether you think it’s *gay* or not and honestly?? Yall really not gonna like this tea but yall’s lazer-focused obsession with that comes off low-key fetishistic/homophobic...
You are getting delicious subtext. Clap and use that in your fanworks! Because (HOLYSHIT!) that natural chemistry is a gift!
AND BECAUSE NOBODY IS BAITING YOU!!
CELEBRATE THAT! Celebrate these actors’ friendship and respect their artistic commitment to telling *THIS STORY*. They approach EVERY ROLE with the same love and commitment to the characters and telling the story as Chadwick and Heath did.
They aren’t thinking about a baiting anything.
They are thinking “How can I serve this story and character to the best of my abilities?”
So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop being entitled and either go about your business in fanon or *RESPECT CANON*.
STOP these fucking ~I’m calling out an actual thing that is wrong! and happening here QUEERBAIT!!!1!!!!!!11!~ games just because this show, director, actors, and crew have told *this* story of this black man’s journey and *not* the Sam and Bucky love story (w/ a heavy focus on Bucky! and Steve!) like in your fanworks.
And while yall are putting out screencaps of *that interview* w/ Spellman... how about focusing on the *rest* of what he and Mackie and even Seb have said in their interviews?!
About how they *ALL* really feel privileged about their part in the particular leanings of this show, in this day and time regarding race and SAM BEING CAPTAIN AMERICA WHILE BLACK!
P.S.
This show feels pro-vet NOT pro-military and if you don’t know the difference between shining a light on all of the shit and hoops vets have to jump through after doing so much.... and uplifting an instittution which Spellman has CLEARLY been taking the piss out of in the 100 or so minutes we’ve seen fo far???
*sigh*
I can’t handhold you. PAY. ATTENTION.
#meta#tfatws#malcolm spellman#anthony mackie#sebastian stan#randomnoteforfuturereference#we all saw sam get turned down for a loan despite serving in regular military AND the Avengers right?#we all see the goofy propaganda?#smh
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Wonderwall-part 2
Summary: Y/n find out something that changes the course of her relationship and life forever.
Pairing: tony stark x reader x bucky barnes
Warnings: angst and angst and angst, panic attack, swearing, some bitter sweet fluff,
note: I know its a weird change cause i went from she/her to you and stuff but i like writing you more than her so here we are pfft also i mention civil war but this story doesn't fit in the timeline it just fit for the scenario.
Wonderwall masterlist
You and tony sat on the ship with IVs being stuck into you. bucky sat next to you “hey... wanna talk about it? he ask softly. you shake your head. “not now not yet” you say with tears falling down your face. you had cheated on him. you cheated on the love of your life the person you'd been with for 3 years. Not only that but with someone who has tried to kill bucky on multiple occasions. Tony moved next to you. “Hey...” he said with a sigh. “Promise me we will never ever tell them about this” you say with a panic. he nods frantically. “that's exactly what i was going to say.” and with that you two spent the rest of the time in silence.
You sat in your room. It was 4 days after you got back. you felt weird and had been getting sick for the past few days. The others assumed it was due to your body still adjusting to being on land with consistent water and food. but you had other ideas as to why this could be happening.
Your hands shook as you paced the room. “fuck fuck fuck ok it'll be ok” you said to yourself. you walked into the bathroom and opened the pregnancy test box. panic was all you felt as you took it. you set a timer and walked back to your room. you continued to pace. what would you do if you were pregnant. what would you tell buck? what would you tell tony?! you two promised not to tell anyone. the timer went off. you put your head into your hands. “ok its probably negative i mean what are the chances” you say walking back to the bathroom. you heart was going at a pace that was scary. your whole body was shaking. you grab the test and flip it over.
positive.
you stared at the 2 lines. you felt tears fall down your face and your breathing become rapid. a panic attack that's what this was. you fell to the ground as your breathing became uneven. “no no no no no” you say getting louder. you curl up and feel your whole body shake. you try desperately to grab for every breath but its like inhaling nothing. you start to cough from lack of oxygen and tears. snot ran down your face. you grab onto your hair and scream into your legs. the door immediately opens and bucky rushes to your side.
“hey its ok im here” he says putting his hand on your shoulder. “count with me ok” he says. you barely hear him it's like being underwater but you nod with what strength you have. “ now 1″ he says. “1″ you reply dryly your throat is dry and your lungs feel empty.
you two count to 10 slowly. you gradually catch your breath. the shaking stops and you feel more exhausted than ever. he pulls you close. “wanna talk about it?” he ask kindly. you look down seeing the pregnancy test and bucky sees it too. he grabs it and turns it over. his breathing gets deeper and he stands up. he walks back and forth and nods. “tony?” he ask with an angered tone. you nod. his nodding and pacing gets faster.
he walks out the room. you stand up quickly and chase after him. “buck bucky don't” you say quickly seeing him walk towards the one door that would fuck up everything. he nods hard and fast. You feel the tears fall faster and faster. “bucky stop it!” you yell at him. Tony opens the door and immediately is met with a metal fist. “fuck!” tony says holding his nose. Bucky pushes him again which shoves tony down. bucky get on top and keeps hitting him. “bucky! stop!” you say going towards him you try to just pull him but that does nothing.ok next plan. you grab his shoulders “Stop!” you say using your powers.
you keep pulling him and he does stop. he falls back into your lap. “you promised me you'd never use your powers on me” he says looking up at you. “i'm sorry buck” you say tears falling still. his head falls back onto your stomach. tony looks up at you his face bloody and beat. the metal fist definitely did not help. he looks at you confused. “im pregnant” you say to him. you see his eyes widen. “wha-what” he says shaking his head.
“shes fucking pregnant with your damn child” bucky says trying to pull out of your arms. you panic and hold him with all your strength. “sleep” you say feeling him go limp in your arms. tony just blinks looking down at the floor. “your....” he says trailing off. his breathing gets deeper.
Doors open in the hall. natasha is the first to come out then steve. Bruce slowly emerges. Wanda and vision come out in a worry. Clint is the last to come out hes geared up ready for a fight. “what's going on?” nat asks. they see tony and bucky's bloody fist. “I thought we were past this?” steve ask in a panic. you look up at wanda and natasha.
Steve takes bucky away from your lap and takes him to the main room and lays him on the couch. You stand up with natasha and wanda's help. vision,clint, and bruce still look concerned but less worried. “anyone gonna tell us what happened?” clint ask.
Bruce hands tony a rag to put on his possibly broken nose. “uh let's go sit on the couch.” wanda says leading you to the main room. bruce helps tony to the couch. “I should...” you say nodding to bucky. They nod as you slowly go to him. you put your hands softly on his head. “wake” you say and immediately bucky shoots up angry and tears edging his eyes.
“buck buck hey calm” steve says grabbing bucky's shoulders. Buck stares at steve angrily. “sooo?” clint ask sitting on the couch. nat and wanda sat down too. you were in front of all of them. “tony and I spent a month and a half up there.” you start off. everyone sits up more. neither you or tony had spoken of your time up there sense yalls return.
“We saw no end and I was about to have a meet and greet with death himself. Tony was giving up his food and water to keep me going” you say looking down messing with your hands. “I don't understand why this led to bucky beating she shit out of tony.” Clint ask. “let her finish” steve said. “We got closer than ever and had agreed that there was no chance at us returning. We were desperate to stop the pain to just be with someone be cared for before the end. We slept together.” you state. bucky's breathing gets more rapid and his hands form fist. everyone starts to yell at tony natasha tried to silence it which only made her a target.
“Shut up!” you say yelling at them. They look at you surprised. “shut up before we end up with another battle and let me fucking finish what the hell i'm saying before attacking tony which by the way it takes two to tango so shut up please.” you say looking at the floor hands making fist. everyone turns to you and shuts up even bucky and tony.
“Now I am pregnant with tony child. Now before you all start yelling and attacking tony just try to understand the situation.” you say. “Understand the situation?!” bucky yells. steve tries to calm him. “no no just no ok. He mmm he saw her vulnerability and used it!” bucky says standing up and pointing at tony.
“Buck no that's not it he didn't do that. I saw a world without you with no one except me and tony on that stupid ship dying slowly and mercilessly.” you say feeling tears falling again. natasha stood up and walked to you. “I know your pissed as hell at tony and at y/n but right now” she points at tony “you are going to be a father” and she points at bucky “and if you stay, which i think you should, are going to be a step father so let's just try to deal with that right now.”
Natasha held you by her side. Bruce stood up “I’ll help it whatever way I can.” he said. “me too” clint said standing. “I will too” vision said standing. Wanda stood “You always got me.” she said with a small smile. steve looked at bucky then tony and then you. He sighed and stood up “you got me too” he said with a nod.
you swallow “thank you all of you” you say softly then look to tony and bucky. “You definitely have me i'm not going to bail on my child just because its a complicated situation.” tony said standing up. bucky let a soft growl out. “buck?” you ask hesitantly. He looks up at you and shakes his head. He walks off and soon yall hear a door slam.
You dropped your head. “Give him time” nat whispered to you. you nod. she nods to steve and steve nods and walks after bucky. natasha takes you to your room nodding to tony who nods back and walks to the kitchen. sittin on your bed you look down at your stomach. there's a person in there well soon they'll be. nat sat next to you “how're you feeling?” she ask. “I don't know...Im going to have a child and it's not the child of who i always pictured it as. I broke the love of my life's heart and broke tony and I’s promise.”
“bucky just needs time is all steve is talking to him and i'm sure tony understands that you couldn't keep it a secret you two made that promise when you didn't know you were pregnant and don't worry you have all of us here to help and protect you.” nat said. “I’m an avenger...I had a father who used me as a testing subject and gave me powers i couldn't control till i was 17 how am i supposed to be a parent? Their father is a billionaire who is ready to die at any shot and their possible step father was born in 1917 and was brainwashed to be a murderer.” you spew out.
“you'll be ok we are all broken and a mess but together we can raise this child. I promise. We will figure it out” she says rubbing your arm. The door opens and in comes tony with a glass of water. “figured you could use this” he says walking towards you. nat looks at you and you nod. she stands up and walks out.
Tony sits next to you. “i'm sorry” you say immediately scared of tony being angry. “no no don't apologize you had to say something its not like you could just avoid questions when your stomach grows.” he says with a chuckle. “y/n i want you to know i am going to be the best damn father i can be and if you and bucky stay together...because you and bucky will stay together i know he will have a huge role in that child's life and i'm so glad they get 3 parents who love them more than anything in this world. I will protect the with my life I will not die for them. I will live for them.”
“Tony...” is all you can get out through choked sobs. you hug him holding him close. “thank you” you say pulling away “what about pepper?” you ask concerned. “I’ll tell her just need to let this” he moves his hand to the room “settle before any more people get mad” he says. the door slowly opens and an exhausted, messy haired, red eyed, wrapped hand, bucky opens the door. upon seeing tony he sighs.
“can I speak to her alone?” he says with no emotion. tony nods and walks past bucky out of the room. tony closes the door behind him and walks towards the bed.
he sits next to you and sighs. “buck-” you starts but he cuts you off “don't....let me speak” he says. “I am pissed as hell at you dont get me wrong...but i understand...you didn't see a possibility as being back here all you saw was death. I will be the best step father i can and the best boyfriend i can be. I am far from forgiving you but I still love you and I don't want us to end and this child is amazing news even if they aren't mine. I will be as much of a father to this kid as I can be and I will raise them as my own. I'm here for the long run.” he says looking at you. you smile and hug him. “I love you too bucky...thank you” you say.
This journey was far from over but for now the world felt damn good. This kid would have 3 parents who love them more than anything or anyone in this world.
#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky barnes x reader#tony stark x reader#tony stark fanfiction#tony stark#mcu#mcu x reader#mcu fanfiction#marvel#marvel cinematic universe
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loving and losing someone
character: mafia!beomgyu x female reader
type: angst <3
warnings: suicide, blood, violence
song reccomendation: everything i wanted - billie eilish
soo- this is my first mafia!au and my first beomgyu oneshot. i hope yall enjoy- i poured my heart and soul and i got kind of lazy at the end. i’m rlly sorry for not posting aswell- no inspo so this was just word vomit.
It was a cold day at your apartment. Beomgyu… still wasn’t home. He had said that he had a business meeting to attend- but it’s been over a day. He hasn’t replied to your texts, not even your calls, which he always answered. At first, you suspected him of cheating. He was always popular with the girls, getting looks and numbers. But he wouldn’t do that, right? But soon, after more than 5 hours of no info, you thought he was in danger. You slumped your head against the pillow, glancing at your phone on the coffee table. You were just hoping, he was just gonna call you right there and then. As you were about to call Beomgyu again, you heard a knock on the door. It was 10 PM- what were people doing here? You sit up and look through the peephole.
You paused. They were… Beomgyu’s workmates. One had bright pink hair and one had blonde hair. You recognized them from some pictures, and you smile excitedly. You open the door in a hurry, and they greet you with a soft smile. “H-hey.” You mutter. They barge into the room, surprising you a little. “Where’s Gyu? I know you guys work with him.” You say as one of them sprawl on the sofa and one wanders around for the kitchen. “He’s- busy. He’ll give you a call later, princess.” The blonde one says, lighting a cigarette. “Can you not smoke here?- The landlord’s gonna freak.” You say, chuckling. They were so vulgar- putting their feet on the table, smoking, cursing. “We have somethin’ to tell you, kid.” The pink-haired man walks out of the kitchen carrying 2 bottles of beer and a mug of coffee for you. “Ah- well alright.” You sit down awkwardly. Did he just make coffee for you? He hands you the mug aggressively, making some of it spill. He takes the bottle for himself and his yellow-headed friend.
“My name’s Taehyun, by the way. Kang Taehyun.” The blonde one starts and you shoot a small smile at him. He seemed charming. “That prick over there is Yeonjun. Jun for short.” Yeonjun nods his head towards you and you smile softly. “Why are you here?” You ask, sipping some of your coffee. “Gyu’s in trouble. And looks like you’re in trouble aswell, Missy.” Taehyun says, smiling. Your head feels heavy, you feel sleepy. “Gyu? Me? W-what happened?” Your words slur and Yeonjun only laughs. “Poor missy. Hey, boss is gonna like this.” Yeonjun laughs. “Boss?” You mutter, your eyes slowly closing. “G’night Missy.” Taehyun chuckles. Before you can even process what was happening, your eyes closed and you drifted into a deep sleep.
“Good job, Chip!” You shift awake, hearing a loud voice. It’s dark and… windy. You can barely see the figures in front of you and you instead focus behind them. You can see little sparks of light- buildings. Wait- you’re on a rooftop? You try to look to the right, but your neck strains painfully from the rope tied there. You’re tied to a chair, and you’re completely unable to move. You realize that you’ve been gagged aswell. “Aye, she’s awake! Hey Missy!” Your body is pushed forward by a large hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet ya- My name’s Changbin.” He shouts and you flinch. “Now missy- you might be wondering what ya doin’ here.” You roll your eyes. Obviously- you were tied to a chair and kidnapped. You were very very curious. “Jun! Take the kid out- c’mon.” Changbin screams behind you. You’re so desperate to look behind you, but the rope on your neck was pulling you down. You close your eyes. Please let this be over.
You hear a soft grunt behind you. “Let me out of here! Changbin- I swear to god- you’re dead!” A voice you recognize shouts. Beomgyu. What was he doing here? Was he kidnapped aswell? “Hey Gyu! Look what I got here!” Changbin shouts as he spins your chair, causing you to yelp from surprise. You look up- there he was. Blood was trickling from his cheek and forehead, bruises littered his shirtless body. Your eyes stared into his- he looked different. He looked deadly. His eyes softened as soon as he met yours- he could recognize those eyes anywhere. “Y/N.” He softly mutters. He wants nothing more than to wrap you in his embrace and tell you everything was okay. Unfortunately, his arms were being held behind his back and Yeonjun had a strong grip on his hair. “Why’d you bring her here? Please. Take her home- I’ll do whatever you want!” Beomgyu screams. You observe the desperate tone in his voice. “Ooh~ looks like Mister Pissy Pants is protective.” Changbin coos behind you. “What if… I held a knife up to her?” Changbin takes out a sharp pocket knife. “Like this?” Changbin holds the blade near your throat, causing you to nearly scream. You look up at Beomgyu, pleading with your eyes. “Should I kill the woman you love? Or you give me what I want?” The burn of the blade against your skin makes you clench your fist- blood started pouring slowly from your neck. “NO- FINE- I’LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT- PLEASE JUST LET HER GO!” Beomgyu screams. “Don’t hurt her. Please.” Tears pricked at Beomgyu’s eyes. “Alright alright~ Don’t get all emotional bro.” Changbin laughs as he pulls the blade away from your neck. “I’ll give you what I want. Let me- talk to her.” Beomgyu drops his head, trying to avoid the looks. “Ight. Boys, let the piss pant talk to the bitch.” Changbin could only roll his eyes as Beomgyu came crawling to you, cupping your face in his arms. “Don’t let her go. I have a gun at your head, piss pants.” Changbin warns as Taehyun and Yeonjun point guns at Beomgyu and you.
You tried to avoid eye contact, looking around steadily as Beomgyu slowly ungagged you. “Y/N. H-hey. You okay buns?” Beomgyu mutters. “Gyu.” You mutter with the voice you have. Your throat stung when you started speaking but you tried to talk the best you could. “What's this?” Beomgyu sighs. “So… I’m part of the mafia. One of the best gangs in the country. I’m the leader, buns? Can you believe that?” Beomgyu lets out a light chuckle. “M-mafia? I thought you- sung at cafes?” Changbin laughed behind you. “He came home late at night every fucking day- with blood on his hands- don’t tell me you’ve never noticed that, bubs.” Changbin teased behind you. “Shut the fuck up or I’ll stab your smug face right now.” Beomgyu warns, glaring at Changbin. “Woah- okay, Mister I love girlfriend.” Changbin rolls his eyes while Beomgyu’s eyes wander on yours. “Gyu. You’re not gonna die… right?” Beomgyu chuckled. “I might. I’m sorry.” He mutters. You feel frustrated, tired, angry. “Gyu. Why’d you- lie?” You mutter. “To protect you, love. I don’t want these men to ever hurt you- no- touch you anymore. I love you.” You didn’t even realize it, tears were spilling from your eyes. “Gyu. I don’t care that you’re in the damn mafia- just stay safe for me, yeah?” You say, looking down. Beomgyu lets out a small chuckle.
“I’m sorry.”
You look up at him, confused. “What do you mean? You’re not leaving me- are you?” Tears clouded your vision, and your breath was getting shorter every time. “I’m- so so, sorry, baby.” Beomgyu sighs. Before you could protest more, Beomgyu stands up and nods at Changbin. “Let her go. Take her home.” Beomgyu says, walking away. “And you give me what I want?” Changbin folds his arms. “Exactly the deal. 100 Million for each of you. Along with the files.” Beomgyu folds his arms. “Gyu. Gyu- Gyu wait.” You squeak with the best of your abilities but they don’t hear as they’re busy discussing things. “Good. Now. You know what to do.” Changbin says as the others start leaving one by one, carrying a large suitcase. “Wait. Wait what’s happening?” You try talking louder, shifting your wrists right and left. “Disappear. Never come back. Got ya.” Beomgyu says and you freeze.
Disappear?
Beomgyu walks to you and smiles. “I love you. So so much. Hm?” Beomgyu takes your face and kisses your forehead. “I’ll be gone now. I hope you have a good life okay bubs?” You start crying again- this time harder. “Wait- what do you mean by disappear? Take me with you. Please. Please.” You protest, but it’s too late. He’s walked away, and Changbin’s suddenly opening up your ropes. “Be careful Missy. Shut up or you’ll hurt yourself.” Changbin says as he forcefully pushes you back to the chair. “BEOMGYU!” You scream, trying to see him. You finally observe the peaceful sight of him, standing on the edge of the roof, looking down. “Beomgyu! Wait- wait- let me come with you- please-” You scream as the last of your restraints finally comes off. You run to him, but it’s too late. He looks at you one last time. His brown hair was flowing messily and dried blood trickled on his cheek. He puts on a small smile. It was almost as if he said… “Thank you for loving me.” You try to grasp at the fabric of his sweatshirt but it’s over for you. He falls backward, towards the ground, but he feels… free. As you cover your eyes to avoid the sight, it was as if you felt him. The warm presence of him, littering you with kisses and smiles. It finally… felt calm. That was the beauty of loving and then losing someone.
A/N: the end felt cringey- sorry- also send in requests!!
#beomgyu#beomgyu x reader#beomgyu imagines#txt imagines#txt#txt angst#mafia!au#mafia!beomgyu#beomgyu angst#kpop#kpop imagines#choi beomgyu#choi beomgyu imagines
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Forgive Me Sunflower
Bucky Barnes x Reader Soulmate AU
(Hello Sunflower Part 10) EDITED
Summary: What happens when Bucky wakes up to your bed empty and a strange note on your pillow
Warnings: refences to torture. Murder. cussing
Word Count: 4 k
A/N: Can you figure out what her secret message was? Let me know what you think and if you have any requests for future chapters! Thank yall for reading!’
Thoughts are in italics
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Life in the tower fell into a peaceful rhythm. Waking up before the sun, heading down to the training rooms. Beating the shit out of Bucky, occasionally you let him win, then breakfast with everyone. Steve and Bucky always made sure to go for a run together, while they were out you went upstairs and sat in the lab with Tony. You may not have had a normal childhood but you “father” hadn’t let your education suffer, we believed that knowledge was everything. So, you were able to help out occasionally with the problems that arose.
While he worked Tony enjoyed telling you stories, about himself and your parents. You quickly felt as though you got the chance to know them. As much as you loved these stories it broke your heart that you were the reason they were no longer here.
Tony was finishing one such story when he noticed the dejected look on your face, he quickly switched to telling you about how he became Iron Man. He explained the cave and the fear he felt while stuck there, although he would never admit that to anyone else. He told you of the man who helped him and saved his life, of his sacrifice and the change it caused in Tony’s life. He told you about being betrayed by the man he had trusted the most, you could relate to that.
Life was good, really good. You felt safe with the people around you, you felt loved and trusted. You felt like you had a family. But of course nothing lasts forever.
You lived in peace for two months. Two months of happiness and tranquility, or as much tranquility as a group of superheroes are able to have. The tranquility was shattered one morning about a week before the avengers were to go to trial.
Waking up that morning Bucky got ready as always, he headed down to the training rooms and was surprised to see that you had yet to arrive. Weird, you always arrived before him. He went back to the elevator and headed to your room, some nights you liked to sleep in a space that was your own. Opening the door his eyes fell on your empty bed, it was still made, as if you never made it to bed last night. Worried he hurried over to your bathroom and knocked,
“Hey sunflower, you in there?” the silence that answered him was overwhelming, you weren’t here.
Where on earth could you be? Upon closer inspection of your room his eyes fell upon a note laid purposefully on your pillow. He carefully made his way over, watching closely for any trip wires. Lifting the card from your pillow he cut open the top with one of the knives on his belt. His eyes scanned the note, he felt the breath leave his lungs, was this some kind of sick joke? He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down before rereading the paper in his hand.
Bucky,
Hello, I'm sorry that I must tell you this in a letter, sunflower. But the time has come I must leave before the sun is up. I can't follow your dreams for us anymore. I have my own and they don't involve you right now. We are done my sunflower. Don't try to find me
Your star,
Ps forgive me
There was something off about the way the note was written. It was worded strangely, it didn’t sound like you at all. Not to mention the fact that you would never leave your soulmate like this. He thought back to the night before, you had been just as cuddly as normal, you had fallen asleep on him during the movie that you were all watching. He had gently woken you and walked with you to your room, you had given him a quick kiss and a smile before walking through the door. Bucky shook his head, bringing himself back to the problem at hand. He examined the wording carefully, looking for anything that would explain where you were. There it was, oh you clever, beautiful woman. Of course that would be your message, there is only one explanation as to where you are. Fuck. His face paled as the meaning of your message sunk in. You had been forced to write this message and yet you had found a way to tell him who it was. Hydra.
Your day was going well, you had a great time training this morning, you had pinned Bucky no less than three times. Tony had been in a good mood while you sat with him, his newest project was going smoothly and he was excited to see it in action. The best part had been the movie night that the group decided to have. You fell asleep on Bucky, how could you not, he is just so warm. He had taken you back to your room and you had kissed him at the door before parting ways. That is when it all went to shit. A hand closed over your mouth and a gun pressed to your temple. Your brain was still fuzzy with sleep, putting you at a disadvantage, it was quickly clearing but not quite as quickly as you needed. As the fog began to clear you began debating the best way to incapacitate the guy who currently had his hand on your mouth. So focused on the man behind you, you almost didn’t notice when a shadow moved in the corner in front of you. Almost, the moment that the movement registered in your tired brain you froze.
“Please don’t try to escape, we need you to come with us.” The disembodied voice was eerily familiar although you couldn’t figure out why.
You struggled against the iron grip of the man behind you, at the prompting of the man in the corner, he slowly lowered his hand from your mouth allowing you to speak.
“And why the hell do you think I would do that?” you spat at him.
“Simple,” his calm demeanor was starting to give you the creeps, how could he be so calm right now? “If you don’t we will kill every single person in this building and maybe their families too while we are at it.” your eyebrows rose at his statement,
“Just the two of you?” disbelief evident in your voice.
He laughed, a humorous thing, it sent chills down your back.
“Of course not, stupid girl, there are more of us in this building right now. If you cooperate then they won’t need to be used, they will leave as soon as we do.”
How could you trust him to keep his word? But if you didn’t go with him then there was no way for you to protect everyone. You head swam, you knew he wouldn’t wait long for your answer.
“Fine, but you have to swear that you and your men will leave everyone else in this building alone.”
“You have my word, he only wants you right now anyway.”
“He?” your curiosity got the best of you
“Hydra, of course, now I need you to write a letter, one that explains your absence. One that explains that you don’t want anyone looking for you.” His voice was firm, and you knew that you had no choice.
You nodded your agreement, and the man behind you loosened his grip, but the gun stayed trained on you. You walked to your desk and brought out a pen and some paper, taking a second to figure out how to let Bucky know that you were in danger. The solution popped in your mind and you jotted down your note, hoping that he would understand. As soon as you were done they tied your hands together and pulled you to their escape route. With surprising speed and ease they got you out of the building and thrust you into a car. You fought against your bonds until a needle was shoved in your neck, blackness filled your vision and your eyelids felt like lead, the last thing you heard was a man barking directions before sleep took you.
Cold. All you can feel is overwhelming cold. Whatever you were laying on felt like ice. Fighting against the weight of your eyelids struggling against the darkness that held you. Voices, you could hear voices in the background. Trying to focus on their words but unable to understand what they meant. Wake up, you thought. Wake up! WAKE UP! Forcing your eyes open you flinched as a blinding light forced you to snap them shut. Breathe. Slowly opening your eyes, you take in your surroundings, it looks familiar. Fuck. You were back, they had you again, and you walked right into their arms. Tears welled up in your eyes causing your vision to waver. No, you would not cry, you refuse to cry. They don’t get to see you break. A voice brought you out of your thoughts, eyes shooting to the door. No, no no no no. Not him, anyone but him. But his voice was unmistakable, your heart dropped, your father. No you remind yourself, not your father, just an asshole that stole you from your family and forced you to become a monster. You would not let them break you. The door swung open and the face that has been haunting your nightmares since you escaped walked into view, a cold and calculating smile on his lips.
“Well, well. It is so good to have you back, my daughter. I so missed having you here.” fake sincerity that made your toes curl laced his voice. The gag in your mouth kept you from spitting on him, all you could do was glare. You felt so helpless. He always made you feel so fucking helpless.
“Now now, sweet girl, no need for anger, you must have forgotten that all I have ever wanted is the best for you. You lost yourself these past two years, but don’t worry we will soon remedy that.” He stepped towards you, a rope in his hand, you looked up at him, eyes widening in fear and anger, this was going to hurt.
Bucky ran into the common room, eyes scanning the room widely, gone was the cool calm and collected Bucky. This Bucky had just lost his soulmate to the very people that you had finally been able to escape. He will do anything to get her back. His eyes fell on Tony pouring himself some coffee into a mug you had recently bought for him. Bucky stalked over to him, trying to keep his overwhelming fear from showing on his face. Tony looked up at him as he walked closer, giving him a smirk,
“Hey there grizzly bear, someone steal your honey and piss in your cheerios?” His smile fell as he studied the soldier, Tony had never seen him like this, something terrible had happened.
“What is it? What happened?” Going from playful to serious in a split second. His eyes scanned the room and noticed the lack of his sister, “Where is Y/N?”
Bucky couldn’t seem to answer, he just held out the note. Quickly reading it Tony ended up even more confused,
“there has to be a mistake, she would never leave like this.” desperation coloring his tone and he looked back at Bucky. Bucky shook his head,
“She didn’t, she was forced to write it. She left a hidden message, she was taken by Hydra.”
“Fuck!” Tony had to stop himself from throwing his mug across the room, it was a gift from you and he would hate himself if anything happened to it.
“Ok what can we do, we need to find her.” He started to ramble about all of the things he could do and how they could get to her before Bucky held up a hand to quiet him.
“I think I know where she is. There is a Hydra base in upstate New York, they don’t know that I know about it. I was supposed to be under their control when they took me there but I was slipping, more of myself than the soldier at the time.” He spoke quickly, he wanted to get to her as soon as possible. Tony nodded and called for Jarvis to gather everyone in the mission room. They filed in confused as to what was going on, Steve was the last one to sit down.
“Y/N has been taken by Hydra and we are going to get her back.” Bucky was clear and concise as he explained the plan to them. If everything went according to plan they should have her back in the next two days.
Time meant nothing to you. You couldn’t tell how long you had been back in the clutches of the asshole you used to call father. Has it been a day? A week? A month? All you knew was pain. Your thoughts felt fragmented. Like dandelion fluff in the wind. Bucky would come. Keep Bucky safe. All that matters is keeping him safe. Don’t let them see you break. Your head lolled to the side when you heard the door open. He was back, couldn’t he just leave you alone? Freezing water was thrown over your battered body, you bit your tongue to keep from gasping. Cuts stinging from onslaught, the deeper gashes on your tattoos making the water run red.
“Hello, sweetheart, I think you’re ready to be our soldier again.” His eyes were filled with glee at the prospect of being back in control of you, he had so many ideas of what he would have you do, who he would have you kill. He paused, letting the news sink in before continuing.
“There is no way you can hold out this time.” Your eyes slid from his face, too tired to focus, too tired to fight. The scientist minions unstrapped your limp body from the table that had been your home since you arrived. They dragged you, feet scraping against the floor, to the machine that you had hoped to never see again, the blender. They threw you into the chair and strapped you down, removing the gag and shoving a rubber piece into your mouth. You wanted to fight but you couldn’t feel your arms. They placed the helmet on your head and turned the machine on.
Bucky, forced himself to calm down, they would have you back soon. It had taken them a day to confirm your location and get ready to leave. Now he sat impatiently in the quinjet with the rest of the Avengers, wondering what awaited him at the base. Praying that you were ok, that he wasn’t too late. A voice came over the intercom letting them know they were 5 minutes out. He stood keeping his hands busy with getting ready, pushing aside his worry and doubt. You needed him and he wasn’t going to let his fear get in the way of saving you.
The plane touched down and the soldier was on the move. Ruthless and concise the soldier cut through the guards and anyone who got in his way. The only person that matters to him is his soulmate, the one he is here to save. He made his way through the base quickly, his steps never faltering as he moved towards the room that he knew they would have you in. The room that was the scene of every one of his nightmares. He busted through the door and stepped into the room, the one with the blender, the one where they brainwashed him.
For the first time during the mission his steps faltered, the soldier was devastated by what he saw. You, alive yes, but battered and bruised, face pale and blood running from multiple cuts. A dark purple bruise obvious around your throat. Your face was full of bruises and cuts, your arms were the same. You were staring straight forward, eyes void and he knew he had failed you. He moved to step towards you but your fathers voice caused him to stop.
“Soldier, are you ready to comply?” Bucky wanted to punch the grin off of his face but all he could do was watch.
“Ready to comply.” your voice was ice, lacking any of its usual warmth and emotion.
“Kill the winter Soldier, I have no more need for him.” You snapped to attention, turning to your enemy, deciding the best way to attack. You charged. Bucky brought his arm up in time to block your attack, moving quickly to protect himself without hurting you. You quickly flipped him on his back, standing over him, he looked at you with defeat, he couldn’t hurt you, not this time. A twinkle came to your eyes that hadn’t been there a moment before, and you did the last thing he was expecting, you winked. Bucky moved quickly rolling out of your grasp, keeping up the ruse and noticed that your blows were softer than they would be in a normal fight, you were still there. You yanked his pistol out of his holster and pointed it at him, finger on the trigger.
“Well,” came your father's voice, impatience coloring his tone,
“what are you waiting for? Shoot him.” Bucky saw your trigger finger twitch before you moved, a shot ringing out in the otherwise quiet space.
Blinking Bucky turned to see the body of your father fall to the ground, bullet lodged between his eyes. Shaking off the sense of deja vu he looked back towards you. Although your actions showed that you were still at least sort of in control of your body, he could tell that the soldier was at the controller. He took a cautious step towards you. You spun, and pointed the gun at him, a glimmer of recognition in your eyes before you slowly lowered the gun. Bucky reached for the gun keeping his movements slow as he released your hold on it. Gently grasping your chin, he turned you to look at him.
“Hello, my star,” His voice was soft, “It’s your sunflower, it’s time for you to come back to me.” Your eyes seemed to focus for a moment before you spoke,
“I have to finish my mission.” your voice was firm
“What is your mission, my star?” he asked, keeping your eyes trained on him.
“To keep my soulmate safe, that has always been my mission.” you looked confused at his question as if the answer should have been obvious. He smiled, cupping your cheek in his hand.
“I am safe, my star, your sunflower is safe. Your mission is complete, you can let go.” At his words, your eyes rolled back and you collapsed. His arms wrapping around you before you could hit the floor. Bucky picked you up and began to carry you out of the godforsaken base.
You wake for a moment as he carries you towards the exit, seeing his face, you were able to relax for the first time in days.
“Bucky?”
“Hush, little one, I have you now, we are heading home.”
The next time you woke up you were in the tower hospital, feeling weak but better than you had when you passed out. Your eyes were drawn towards the hand that currently engulfed yours, it was connected to the sleeping form of your handsome soulmate. Reaching across yourself with your free hand you ran your fingers through his hair. The soft feeling, waking him up from his sleep. Raising his head Bucky looked at you. Tears forming in his eyes as he noticed you were awake.
“Hi,” your voice was rough from screaming. His eyes softened, his metal hand coming up to rest on your cheek.
“Hi yourself, little one, you scared the shit out of me.” you chuckled at him
“Wasn’t my intention love, they got me to go with them because they threatened you. I promised that I would take care of you. I didn’t mean to cause you pain.”
“No, sweetheart, you don’t need to apologize, I am just happy that you are back with me and that you are safe.” he rested his forehead against yours as he spoke, as if he could force the words into your head. You cleared your throat, a question at the forefront of your mind.
“What day is it? Did I miss the trials? Knowing them they took me when they did to keep me from testifying, they wanted me to forfeit my right to be heard.” you anxiously awaited his answer, worried that you had ruined everything.
“No, little one, we still have a couple of days before the trials start. You were gone a total of two days, and out of consciousness another. You will still be able to make it to the trial. I have a feeling that your injuries might just swing the jury in your favor.” His lip turned up, but there was pain in his eyes, he drew his hand from yours and gently rested it on your hip where the cuts were the deepest, they had cut you to figure out which tattoo was your soulmark.
“Well I’m glad something good came out of this.” sarcasm evident in your tone as you tried to make light of the situation.
“Well that and the death of the asshole that took you from your parents.” Bucky didn’t try to hind the venom in his voice as he spat out the words. Your eyes widened,
“Wait what? He’s dead?” Bucky looked confused at your question before understanding washed over him.
“Little one, he turned you into the soldier and told you to kill me. You pulled your punches and when you stole my gun he ordered you to shoot me, but you shot him instead.”
You could tell that he was a little worried about how you would react. As much as you hated the man you had still believed him to be your father for the majority of your life.
“Good, the bastard deserved it.” you looked away from Bucky’s face as you spoke, shame prickling behind your eyes because of the sadness you felt.
“I do have a question though, how were you able to fight his control? Why didn’t you shoot me?” You looked at him surprised by his question.
“They haven’t truly had control over me since I got my tattoo.” Your eyebrows furrowed as you thought back to it. “When they tried to activate the soldier after the mark showed up I was able to talk to her. We agreed that you were as much her soulmate as you are mine and that we would both do whatever it takes to protect you. You became our mission.” you took a deep breath before continuing, pulling your eyes from Bucky’s face.
“The soldier and I are one, as much as I hate a lot of the things she did, she had as little of a choice as I did. She takes control when they activate her, but I am no longer trapped in the backseat. I’m able to talk to her, and most of the time, she listens.”
Bucky looked down at his hands in confusion, wondering if he would ever be able to say the same about himself and the winter soldier. Could they ever work together? He let the thought go as he watched you yawn.
Picking you up, he took you back to his room, you were well enough to sleep in a real bed tonight. Heaven knows you needed it. He laid you down and pulled you close, smiling at the feeling of you nuzzling into his side. Those questions could wait till later, for now, he would enjoy sleeping next to his soulmate again.
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#winter solider fanfiction#winter solider x reader#james buchanan barnes#james buchanan bucky barnes#bucky x y/n#bucky imagine#bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes imagine#hello sunflower
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Between His Fingers, Ch. 5
A/N: hey guys sorry for late upload! life is coming at me fast recently i hope yall understand lmaoooo sorry if this chapter is a bit short
warnings: flirty polnareff, pining, teen boys being awkward, mentions of violence
You passed out in his arms. The last thing you heard was his soft chuckle.
You woke up in the hotel bed with Kakyoin spooning you. Someone was knocking at the door. You threw off Kakyoin, who grumbled before turning over and curling up. You got out of bed and straightened your clothes. Polnareff was at the door, fully dressed and looking impatient. You opened it and said in French, “Hey there.”
You yawned. His eyes went wide, looking you up and down, responding in kind. “Mm, mon cherie. You are a vision when you’re not trying to commit murder.”
You rolled your eyes. “Why are you here, Polnareff?”
He peeked past you. “To wake those big lugs up and to greet you. We’re getting breakfast.”
You nodded. “I’ll get them.”
You turned and went inside, leaving the door open. Polnareff came in and looked around. “Hm.”
He closed the door. You shook Kakyoin’s shoulder. “Hey. Polnareff wants you up.”
He nodded and yawned, sitting up. You moved to Jotaro’s bed and shook him. He shook you off. You sighed. “Jojo…I swear to God if you make me do this…”
You shook him again and he grumbled. “No.”
You nodded. “I can set your bed on fire.”
He groaned. “Fine. I’m up.”
You nodded and walked back to Polnareff. “They’re up.”
Polnareff nodded and said, “I see that.”
You smiled at him, and he blushed. You said sweetly, “Thank you for letting me know they had to be up.”
Polnareff nodded. “It’s nothing.”
He peered past you. “So how was your night? DId you get sleep?”
You nodded. “Jojo was rude to begin with, but he stayed quiet.”
Polnareff cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, he’s Jojo now?”
You sighed. “Yeah, he’s Jojo now.”
Polnareff chuckled. “So you slept in his bed?”
Kakyoin stood next to you. “She was with me, actually.”
Jotaro knocked Kakyoin’s shoulder on his way to the bathroom. Kakyoin blinked in surprise. “Well, he’s an asshole.”
You shook your head. You turned to Kakyoin and put your arms around his neck, kissing him on the lips. “Good morning, Nori.”
He smiled, gripping your waist and kissing you more deeply. “Good morning, Y/N.”
Polnareff clapped. “Beautiful.”
You laughed and pulled back from Kakyoin. “Now, Polnareff, if you don’t mind, I need to put on clothes.”
He nodded. “I’ll tell Mr Joestar and Avdol that you’ll be out shortly.”
He turned and left. You bent to pick up your bag, and Kakyoin smacked your ass gently. You stood up and turned to him, grinning. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Wanted to.”
You hugged him around his waist, and he smiled down at you. You kissed his chest as your hand crept down. Before he could react, you smacked his ass hard. He jumped, starting to laugh. “You’re amazing.”
You grinned a bit. “Thanks, I try.”
You pulled back and picked out clothes for the day, just denim shorts and a new bra, as you were already wearing the shirt for the day. You slid off your sleep shorts and felt Kakyoin’s eyes on you, but elected to ignore it. You slid your shorts on and slid the straps of your tank top off to put on your bra. You snapped it shut and pulled on the straps, pulling your shirt back up. You turned to face Kakyoin, who was once again in his school uniform. You smiled at him, and he smiled back. You walked up to him. “Hey handsome.”
He put his hands on your waist. “Handsome? Me? I don’t know, but I do know that you’re beautiful.”
You blushed and leaned up for a kiss. He kissed back, pulling you close to his chest. You stayed there, even after the kiss broke, just looking up at him. His eyes were soft, his hands were gentle, and you were safe.
Five minutes earlier, Jotaro had pushed into the bathroom and shut the door. He sat on the closed toilet seat and put his head in his hands. He knew it was too late. He’d hoped that maybe you’d come to him last night. But Kakyoin had asked you out, and you’d said yes.
He looked down at himself. He’d woken up about an hour after going to sleep to your low voice. He hadn’t moved, and kept breathing as if he was asleep. He’d heard you talking to Kakyoin, baring your soul, and despite himself, his heart had ached.
He couldn’t understand why. He got up and turned on the shower, stripping and stepping into the hot water. He was tense. He hadn’t slept much after you’d dropped off. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, how cute you looked, even when he said the wrong thing(every time!) and pissed you off. How sweet you’d sounded talking to Kakyoin. He wished you would talk to him like that, tell him you felt safe with him, smile at him.
He knew it couldn’t ever happen, but a little fantasy never hurt anyone…right?
Wrong. It was tearing him apart.
#jojo#my writing#jojos bizarre adventure#between his fingers#JoJo's Bizarre Adventure#series#jojo kimyou na bouken#i havent posted in so long its tearing apart my tagging system#kakyoin x reader#kakyoin#noriaki kakyoin#noriaki kakyoin x reader#kakyoin noriaki#kakyoin noriaki x reader#jotaro#jotaro x reader#jotaro kujo#jotaro kujo x reader#kujo jotaro#kujo jotaro x reader#Polnareff#jean pierre polnareff
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Tired Of Hiding: Part 2
Pairing: Henry Cavill/ Black! Reader
Rating: E
Chapter: 2/2
Warnings: Mild Anger, Slight manipulation (if you squint your eyes, reader is okay with this), Oral (Female Recieving), Fluff
Summary: You deal with the fallout of Henry’s Announcement...
Part 1:
A/n: Here’s a lil something for all those who have dirty minds like me... :)
You were pissed! To say you were anything less would be an understatement. You weren’t mad because Henry had told the world there was someone special. In fact you were low-key pleased, You were more pissed that he didn’t give you a heads up. The fact he didn’t even tell you after he did it.
You two were laying there in bed, you laying on his chest, not bothered by the thick, dark hair there, him playing with a lock of your hair with his finger, watching a movie.
You turned your phone off shortly after arriving to where Henry was filming. Kal had gone crazy upon seeing you, jumping on you, then Henry had set his sights on pleasantly distracting you. You never cut the phone back on, having left it on airplane mode, therefore you did not get your notification when Henry posted it.
You pulled away from him to get up so you could grab a bottle of water.You picked up your phone from the bedside table, cutting the setting off as you started drinking. The phone began dinging as various things came through.
Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat (that you rarely used, and last but not least instagram. Then multiple text messages came through
Mom: So you and Henry decided to go pub...
Best Fren: Bitch is this you singing in the bathroom???? Told you long ago to take the act on the road...
Auntie: I swear you song just like aunt fee when you sing
Friend 1: I knew y’all would make it...
Best Fren: Call me
Best Fren: Get off Cavill’s dick and call me!
You looked confused and went to Instagram.
Henry’s post was first due to your settings, you listened to his post, surprised to hear your voice coming through the phone.Henry didn’t move as you choked lightly on the water in your mouth. You felt your heart begin to race, and you kept scrolling.
Instagram was having a field day
Shaderoom’s headline read: Is Superman down with the swirl?
BallerAlert: Henry Cavill’s new gf shows off her pipes.
TMZ: Has Geralt found love?
Begrudgingly, you clicked on the comment sections and half of the women were crying, others were wishing him the best. Some comments were semi-hilarious.
“That’s definitely a black Queen”
“She broke out the Anita Baker. @HenryCavill keep her.”
“That voice 😍”
“If I had a woman to sing to me like that I would be making her hit the high note.”
“Yeah pipes after pipe down”
“Watch Henry show up with a Boosie fade and a beard. Hairline ‘bout to be boss af.”
There were various comments either praising or hating and honestly you could give two fucks about either.
“Henry what in the hell?” He paused the tv, looking at you, confused as to why you were mad.
“I was tired of lying to the world. I love you Y/N. I wanted everyone to know it.”
“So you couldn’t give me a heads up that you would post this?” you say putting one hand on your hip and look at him as he sat up in the bed, but not getting out of it.
“You always overthink anything you post. I didn’t want to stress you out.”
“No you didn’t want me to say no.” His eyebrows furrowed and he got out of the bed.
“ You honestly think that?”
“Henry we know each other too well to play like this. You knew I would have wanted to wait.”
“Are you ashamed of us?” He would ask you, clearly hurt.
“What??? No. I’m just pissed because I just wish I could have prepared.”
“Y/n it’s not like I showed your face or tagged you. This is just been weighing down on me. We deserve to show the world that love is possible.”
He had reached you by now, taking the phone out of your hands, then pulling you closer to him. You wanted to give in to the puppy dog eyes he was sporting, but honestly you were still pissed.
Henry knows you too well however. He chooses to kiss your forehead, then your cheekbones his hands long since cupping your face.
You felt soft ™️, but didn’t uncross your arms.
“Darling you know I hate it when you are mad at me.”
“Well you shouldn’t have pissed me off.”
He pulls you impossibly closer.
“I am sorry that I didn’t tell you, I promise not to share anything about us without talking to you first.”
“Honestly that’s all I want. I love you too, still a little pissy but I’ll forget it soon. Maybe in a day or so.”
Henry smirked.
“Let me make it up to you.”
You will look at him confused, but only for a moment because that’s all you had time for before being picked up and hoisted over his shoulder in a fireman carry. Surprised by the sudden move, you yelped and seeing you weren’t far Henry was over to the bed in seconds. He sat you down, before hovering over you, kissing your neck.
“Dick doesn’t fix everything Cavill.”
He chuckled, the deep sound of it, making you vibrate down to your toes and back up again before settling in-between your legs.
“Good thing I am not about to give you the dick.”
He said sliding his hand up your exposed thighs as you had only been in his shirt.You feel his fingers brushing against your exposed core. You trembled lightly in anticipation of his touch.
Henry dove in, feasting upon you like you were his only source of moisture, the only food he would receive. Your eyes start to roll back as the pleasure mounted.
“Fuck Henry”
Your thighs will try to close around his head, but of course he was stronger than you. He ended up just hoisting them over his shoulders which put you in a different angle slightly and unable to close them.
You were practically jumping off the bed, but he was holding you against his mouth. Despite the desperate cry’s and incoherent babbling, Henry did not let up. Adding his deliciously long fingers to hit that spot that made your toes curl and try to push his head away.
He merely chuckled again and kept going, swirling his tongue around your clit. Pulling away to say
“Come on y/n, cum for me.”
Then he went back in. You had no choice but to take it, he sucked and that was all it took for you to feel that rubber band of tension pop in your stomach, your vision goes white for a moment.You rode out your orgasm on his tongue. He drinking up the efforts of his hard work. Once your vision comes back. Henry is looking at you smug.He comes back up and you kiss him not shying away from your taste.
“Am I forgiven?” He asks you, pulling you into his chest again.
“Did my screams of pleasure give you any other impression?” you ask him still trying to catch your breath slightly.
“Just checking. Can’t have my boo mad at me.”
You will shudder at the slang being used with that accent and burst out laughing as he tried to use the term you always used on him. He was laughing with you knowing how it sounded coming from him.
All was good again...
A/n: Be gentle with me this was my first time writing Henry Cavill smut. You know I just feel like he knows what he’s doing in this department. Well actually the whole department, but yall know what I mean...
If you don’t ask me! my inbox is open for headcannons and imagines...
Thank You for reading!
#henry cavill x black ofc#Henry Cavill#reader#black! reader#henry cavill fanfic#henry cavill smut#fanfiction
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Surprise!
Au Short One Shot
A/N: This was a quick One Shot idea I had. Hope you guys liked it, sorry for any mistakes made.
Word count: 1,354
Warnings:Scussing
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University is a special word, it makes adults cringe from past memories and current students feel the need to go buy more ramen, in case their stash has lowered in quantity drastically. You were a normal student- leaving studying sometimes for 1 day or 6 hours before an exam. You lived in a dorm with 1 more girl, F/N and she was super cool but more of the party animal. You preferred usually to stay home and be lazy after the occasional study binge. Tonight was no exception.
“This one or this one?”F/N popped her head out of her room and swung two hangers in your field of vision. Without saying anything you pointed at the black dress. In a matter of seconds your friend went back in her room to finish getting ready.As she was sitting down and trying to do her makeup she yelled out from the open door “You sure you wanna stay behind?”
“Yeah, I am fucking tired from all the studying and I have an exam early tomorrow. If I get wasted I might forget the things I stuffed in my head.” you grabbed a blanket and sat on the couch with your laptop in front of you.
“So what are your plans for the night then?”
“Probably watch a movie, after that straight to bed with me.” you sighed, poking your head from inside the cocoon
“Ait, suite yourself.” she closed the door of her room and stood tall next to the TV “How do I look? Would or wouldn’t bang?”
“100% would bang if I was drunk and high enough.”
“You are awful I swear!”your friend threw her bag in your face, but thanks to the blanket armor you didn’t feel a thing
“HAHA! Lazy protection! You can’t hurt me.” tossing back the object you smiled at her “You look hot F/N, don’t worry about it.” she put on some heels and opened the door “Hey!”you stopped her
“Yeah?”
“Not taking a coat?”
“Nah.”with her thumb she pointed at the room next to yours “We are literally at Joanna’s.”
“Ughhh, I hope yall let me sleep at least.”
In a matter of minutes you already heard the music start and your friend was gone. Sighing, you tried to find a cool movie to watch but there weren’t many options catching your eye, so you just pulled out your phone and started messaging a bunch of friends you don’t meet face to face often.
To your surprise a lot of them answered you and after the video call suggestion you jumped on a skype group call.
“Yo guys!”you swing your arms under the blanket and Amy laughed out
“What are you doing at this hour?”
“My roommate went to party literally next door!” you explained with a obvious pissed expression
“Bruh, don’t you have a test tomorrow or something like that?” Brad asked and you simply nodded “So,you gonna break under the pressure and go drinking or just be a good kid and stay here?”
“As you can see that is why I called yall...wait.” you pulled out your phone immediately after noticing it lighting up “It’s my boyfriend, give me a sec.”
“OOOOOO” Jenny almost busted everyone’s eardrums “Is that the legendary boyfriend we were hearing so much about?? ?”
“Has to be, judging by the way she is smiling.”Amy pointed at you
“Yall stop! Yeah it’s him, I am just gonna tell him I am going to bed and all that stuff.” you tapped real quick and turned off the phone after he send a kissy emoji “So how have you all been?”
“I feel like shittttt.” James slammed his hands onto his desk, when his mom yelled at him and he had to say sorry, making everyone laugh hard. You wiped the tear forming in the corner of your eye and continued until everyone said how they were feeling.
“So, so far only James feels like the world is ending.” you smirked in his direction
“Wasn’t he always like that?” Jenny stated
“You know what?” James smacked his middle finger in his monitor “Fuck you all!”
“What a gentleman.” Amy continued when you heard a knock on the door.
“Wait guys.” you stepped out of the blanket and asked who it is when you heard Jooheon’s voice on the other side. Opening the door, he quickly walked inside the room.
“Babe?” he didn’t respond to you at all, but was looking around the room and gathering your clothes at random “Jooheon what are you doing?” you grabbed him by the shoulder while the whole scene was happening right in front of your friends’s view.
“Where is your stuff?” he asked without looking at you
“What are you doing ?!” you pointed at your room and he went in ,before walking out with your backpack and a sack filled with your stuff.
“Let’s go.” his arm was firm around your wrist when you stopped him
“Jooheon what for fucks sake are you doing right now?! You suddenly walk in my dorm and start doing strange things without talking to me or even looking at me.”
“I..” he finally made eye-contact with you and it was serious “I am not leaving you here alone when there is a frat party happening right next to your room.”
“What?” you were once more clueless after his words left his mouth “I am fine! Its’not like the party is happening in my room.”
“No, it’s not fine at all. I am not leaving you here alone. Your roommate will probably bring a guy back.”
“She has a different room than me.” you were trying to pull away, but Jooheon was getting pissed off since he wasn’t making any progress. His arm let go of your wrist with a strong pull in his direction. You lost your balance for a second and found yourself flush against him as his free arm wrapped around your hips and pulled you even closer. Jooheon’s gaze was intense and looking at you with a pinch of anger.
“Listen here baby girl, I am not gonna leave your innocent self here alone. You are coming to my place and that is final. I will deal with your annoyance later ok kitten? Now go get dressed and lets go.” it felt like waking up from a trance when he let go of your body. You nodded and jumped in front of your laptop.
“Hey guys call you in a bit.” and hung up
It didn’t take long before you found yourself in the passenger seat of Jooheon’s car. Pulling your phone out you tried to call your friends again. When they picked up everyone went crazy with questions.You tried to answer them as best as you could.
“Well technically I am being kidnapped by my boyfriend in the name of my safety. I am literally wearing his coat and my pajamas under that.”
“Damn girl you found a wild one.”Jenny laughed out
“Shhhhh he can probably hear you!”Amy panicked
“Wait don’t you have an exam tomorrow.Early?” James interrupted the girl-talk
“I will drive her you don’t have to worry about that.” his voice was low like a silent growl
“I- I will catch yall later.” your eyes were stuck on him as you hung up the phone and placed it back in your bag.
The ride was silent but his hand didn’t move from your thigh. “I have popcorn and a movie waiting upstairs. I thought at lest we can have a date night after I kinda broke in your place and kidnapped you.”
“That is sweet actually, I was planning to do that but I couldn’t find a nice movie.”
“Well I did, not as nice as you tho.” he flashed you that oh so familiar sunshine smile
“Oh you are soooo cheessyyyy!”
And it didn’t stop here. You two had a very nice night together and he drove you in time for the exam, even picked you up and went on a ride around town. You thought that in the end of the day things didn’t go as planned but were actually better this way.
#Monsta X#monsta x fics#monsta x fanfic#monsta x fanfics#monsta x fanfiction#monsta x fanfictions#monsta x scenarios#monsta x scenario#monsta x oneshot#monsta x au#monsta x aus#monsta x jooheon au#monsta x jooheon x reader#monsta x reader#monsta x you#monsta x x you#monsta x x reader#monsta x jooheon scenario#jooheon x reader#jooheon x you#jooheon scenarios#jooheon scenario#jooheon fanfic#jooheon fanfiction#jooheon oneshot#jooheon au
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First Date My ASS
Person: Yoon Byeongho
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 795
Requested by Anon(Im sorry anon)
Masterlist(updated)
Caution: Many profanity(cause y’all should know I swear a lot)
*BAAM*
You woke up to a loud bang on your window. You rushed out of bed not because of who or what did it, more of if your window is actually shattered into pieces. Moving the blind aside, you sighed in relief to see your window being fine but you saw a glimpse of a particular someone.
“Y/N DID YOU FORGET?!” the boy yelled. Since you rushed the fuck out of bed like your life depended on it, your vision was still somewhat blurry. You rubbed you eye and squinted to get a better view.
“AH BABE IM SO SORRY!!! I FOR-”
“CAN Y’ALL SHUT UP??? I”M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!” Your neighbor yelled into a megaphone, a weird neighbor you had.
“Hey I’ll-”Byeongho got interrupted.
“DO Y’ALL THINK YOUR ROMEO AND JULIET OR WHAT?!?!?” Your weird neighbor yelled once again into the megaphone. You always thought it was weird that your neighbor had a megaphone, like who uses that nowadays?
You gave some hand signal pointing at at yourself, Byeongho, and your bedroom and hoped he understood that before your weird neighbor takes action. You literally rushed everything. Brushed teeth while pissing, putting mascara on while dressing, and doing your hair while you let your body rest because that was a whole workout.
**An eternity later and Byeongho drools becoming an ocean**
“So how do I look?” Giving a confident spin, you tripped on your own step a bit, but life did you good so you end up with a nice posture. You gave him a wink and an awkward lip bite to impress him.
“Babe you always look fucking hot.”(I highkey know this is what he’d say, quote on quote) He brushed your hair to the back of your ear to see more of your face. Byengho brought himself close to you, which was hard since he is a giant, “Let’s go!”
----
“Are you fucking kidding me?” You can’t believe it at all. Well, you did when both of you turned the block.
“I mean, why not?” Byeongho seems to be pretty proud of what he chose as a first date. What could you have possibly expected? A cafe. NO
“I dressed nicely for you and you wanna bring me to a gym?” You looked at his face and he just shrugged his shoulders.
“I thought it’d be a nice first date,” He really is clueless with your anger, you’re almost questioning if he’s trying to test you.
“First date my ass, I’m out of here.” Your turned to step out of the place but Byeongho was quick to grab your hand. He looked at you dead in the eye, he really wasn’t testing you. He just really had no clue of what a girl would like as a first date.
“Hey, I’m sorry if you don’t like it.” He said poutingly,” I just thought that since your my girl now that I should teach you some moves to protect yourself from bad guys” He looked like a sad puppy, it melted your icey heart. It was really considerate of him to think of such a first date. You didn’t even consider what he’d liked, instead you wanted what you liked while he was just lookin gout for you.
“Ah geez baby, “ You cupped your hands around chin and jaw, and shook his head a bit,”I’m so sorry”
“If you don’t want to, we can go somewhere else,”Byeongho was more worried about your state since you basically insulted his whole interest. You did know that he worked out a lot, he does have very chizzled abs and nice toned biceps.
“No, let’s do this!”
**A beating later**
“Y/N let’s go eat” Byeongho held out his hand, in which you grabbed, and he pulled you up. Byeongho pulled you up with too much strength that you slammed onto his chest. He was playing games with you, he wrapped his strong arms around your waist tightly so you couldn’t move in any way. He whispered into your ear, “Or do you want to do some more?”
“What? No, I’m hungry!!”
“Okay then!”
*Smooch*
Byeonho kissed your lips. That three seconds felt like an eternity. His lips were soft and plump. You were in such shock, you didn’t know what to do or say. You just froze there until that eternity ended. There was a moment of awkward silent and the only thing that came out of your mouth was” What the fuck?”
“You don’t like it? I thought you were hungry?” Byeongho acted all innocent like he didn’t just pull the most cliche thing.
“Are you an idiot or what?” you rolled your eyes at him. You weren’t quite upset but you really couldn’t deny you wanted more of his kiss>
“I’m your idiot.”
Note: This is a weak ass comeback but I was writing this while writing a research paper. My mind a tweeking. Lemme tell yall, anon wanted a cute fluff hand holding and kissing, but like lets do my mix. I also updated the masterlist!
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survival will not be the hardest part
hi. i know y’all are very anxious to read this. i know how long i’ve kept you waiting, but i’d really appreciate if you’d read this lil thing first.
so, this story, known more commonly as ‘the cancer fic’ is an idea my friend rachel gave me back in april. she’s pretty known on twitter, but not on tumblr, so for those of you who aren’t aware: rachel’s spent a really long time in the hospital over the years. she’s been having a hard time lately, and i...it breaks my heart. i wanted to do something for her.
this is that something.
in this story, rachel is awsten (she doesn’t have cancer. let’s be clear about that. aside from the medical conditions, she is awsten). there are seven main OCs. every single one of them is an actual human being. their names are the same. conditions are not. the main point of this story was the kids, to focus on the struggle rachel’s faced alongside being the person awsten is in the story, to the kids.
a while ago, rachel came to me pissed about something she saw online, of people making hospitals out to be these “pretty” and “aesthetic” places, essentially glamorizing them. that made me want to do this even more. this is her life. this is what she deals with on a daily basis. this is the reality of being in the hospital. it’s not pretty or glamorous or idealistic. this is real. it’s raw and real and painful because i wanted to highlight that.
when i started writing this, i knew it wouldn’t be received the same as my other stuff. this is very OC heavy. it’s very personal. this is the longest and hardest and heaviest thing i have ever done. it’s so personal to me and to rachel and i would really appreciate yall keeping that in mind while you read.
trigger warnings for suicide and depression, also a ton of medical stuff including vomiting...this is a hospital fic, after all.
and finally, this is dedicated to lily. fly high, love. thank you for looking down on us. rest in peace.
September 3rd, 2017 – 10:53 AM
"Aws, we need your help."
He pulls out his other earbud and lifts his head, places a hand over the page in his journal as he looks over to the doorway. He doesn't wait for something else to be said, flips the book closed and loops the band around, pulls out his remaining earbud and wraps the cord around his phone.
"Who is it?" He falls into place beside Geoff as they walk down the hallway. An arm snakes its way around his waist and squeezes his torso. He moves a hand to Geoff's back, closes his eyes and breathes in. "What happened?"
"Nia doesn't wanna take her meds. And she needs a Vitamin B shot too," Geoff says. His voice is low. He runs his other hand through his hair with a sigh. "She's crying. It's bad."
"Fuck," he swears. He picks up the pace, so fast he almost breaks out into a run by the time they reach the end of the hallway. He breaks out of Geoff's hold and jogs past the nurses' desk and a bunch of hospital carts, ignores the multiple cries of 'Awsten, don't run!'. He needs to get there. He needs to be there. He forgot this was happening today he completely forgot fuckfuckfuck-
And when he does, he doesn't stop. He runs through the double doors, into the pediatric ward, and veers off to the left. "Nia..." He breathes. He stops at the foot of her bed, places a hand on the railing and moves to stand next to her head. "I'm so sorry I forgot, sweetheart. I'm here now."
"Awsie!" Nia cries. She stretches her arms out for him. Tears are drying on her cheeks and her lip is quivering. "Don't want it Awsie, don't want it."
He swallows. It feels like his heart is attached to strings and the puppet master is tugging, harder and harder, about to rip the muscle from its suspension in his chest. He takes one of Nia's hands and climbs into the bed next to her, pulls her into his chest and squeezes tightly, presses a kiss to the top of her head. When he looks up, it's straight into Geoff's eyes. He's tapping the end of the syringe with his nail, lip pulled between his teeth, sympathetic smile on his face.
"Tell me when she's ready," Geoff says softly. He nods and looks back down at Nia. Her head is completely hidden from view. Her arms are squeezing around his waist. He can feel the damp spot on his shirt.
He sighs. "Nia, love, hey, don't cry... It's gonna be okay, I promise." He tangles his fingers into her hair and pulls them through, tilts his head down and places another kiss against her scalp.
"Don't like it..." Nia whines. He exhales heavily and tightens his arm around her back.
She doesn't deserve this. She's so young. She should be worried about not having enough time play on the swings and whether the mean boy in her class will steal her toys again, not on the verge of a panic attack over a fluid-filled syringe that comes with its own cocktail of side effects. This is a mountain and it's too big for her tiny shoulders to carry.
"It's gonna make you feel better. Don't you wanna feel better?" Her sobs are starting to quiet. He keeps rubbing her back, pressing the circles in, firm and soft and tight against the warmth of her skin.
"And Nia, hey," Geoff says. "Awsten can stay with you after, if you take it."
He lifts his head to meet Geoff's eyes and sends him a smile. Geoff nods a bit and smiles back, motions to the door and mouths, 'I'll get them to let you. You can't leave her right now. She needs you'.
'Thank you. I love you,' he mouths back.
'I love you too'.
"You'll really stay?" Nia looks up at him, quivering lip and teary eyes. She's blinking rapidly against the sheen.
He leans forward and kisses her forehead. "Of course I will, love. But you gotta take your meds, okay?"
She gives a sigh that is much too long for a seven year old, before eventually nodding and sticking her arm in Geoff's direction. He pulls her head back down into his chest as Geoff cleans an area on her bicep, feels her grip around his waist get tighter and tighter.
And then the needle goes in and she squeezes him so hard he starts to see spots, but they go as quickly as they come. Geoff presses down on the tube to insert the medicine in, and ever so slowly, Nia's grip starts to loosen. She doesn't look back up until Geoff is pressing gauze against her skin and moving his hand to her shoulder.
"Which one this time?" Geoff shows her a handful of band-aids, all various colors with character designs and tiny patterns decorating the tops. Awsten smiles as she settles back against his chest and points to one on the end that displays a smiling princess from some movie he barely recognize. He remembers seeing her on the screen a few weeks ago in the playroom, feeling Nia tap his shoulder excitedly and squeal over how beautiful she looked when she came on the screen. And then black overtook his vision and he didn't wake until the credits were rolling and Nia was snoring in his arms, making little snuffles every couple seconds.
Geoff grins and affixes it to her skin. Nia takes her arm back and turns over fully, moves her head to his shoulder and breathes out warmly into his neck. He moves his arm up to wrap around her and pulls his fingers through her hair again.
"What song?"
"The Pink one!"
He smiles. "Alright love, close your eyes..."
...
September 3rd, 2017 – 12:22 PM
"Aws?"
"Sunshine, hey, wake up."
He blinks rapidly. His head feels heavy, like it's stuffed with cotton and full of rocks that make it so impossibly hard to lift. "Huh?"
"You fell asleep." A pair of lips brushes his cheek. He hums, keeps his eyes squinted and snakes an arm around Geoff's neck. "Let's go back to your room, 'kay?"
"Mmph...carry me..." Everything feels so weighted. He's warm and the position he's in is comfortable. He doesn't want to move and turn cold again.
"Sorry love." He can hear the smile in Geoff's voice. "I'm carrying something I think you'll like a lot more."
"Hm?"
Geoff holds up a large bag. He waves it around for a few seconds, just enough time for Awsten to detect the beginnings of a green logo...
Could it be-
"Holy shit, did you get me Whole Foods?" He tries to keep his voice level as not to wake Nia.
"Maybe." Geoff smirks at him. He reaches out for the bag but Geoff hefts it higher than he can stretch, swings it back and forth while keeping it up in the air. "Back to your room love, then we can eat."
He follows Geoff out of the pediatric ward and down multiple hallways. Geoff uses his shoulder to push open one of the doors to the adult ward, holds it open for him and then walks behind him until they finally reach his room.
"I don't think I've ever loved you more." He says the words through a mouthful of food, five minutes later. He smiles, as Geoff reaches out to wipe at the side of his mouth with a finger. Geoff licks his finger and he rolls his eyes, leans in for a kiss that ends up being a quick peck. He takes another bite and closes his eyes. "Oh my god..."
"It's been a while, hasn't it?" Geoff asks. "Since you've had outside food?"
"Oh hell yeah," he mutters. "The crap they have here is so disgusting, jesus christ..."
He's been back in the hospital for almost a month now. They let him out a couple months ago, let him go home and go back to school and try to become a normal seventeen year old, one whose home isn't a hospital ward and whose reality isn't the rarity of his disease.
And then it happened and now he's back here. It feels like he never left. He knows more of the white walls and antiseptic smell and nurses coming in ever few hours to check his blood pressure and change his IV fluid, of constantly being asked if he's okay, the pokes and prods and needles shoved in his skin, the cannula they forced into his arm and chemotherapy treatments that inject so much chemical into his bloodstream that everything in his body is rushing to get out, like it's the relative no one wants to see at a family gathering and everyone is doing their best to get away.
There's a point, when you live in a hospital, where everything starts to blur together. It all mashes into one, one large ball of prods and pokes and people everywhere, grabbing and pushing and turn over here, no not like that, I need to take some blood, come on Awsten, jut cooperate, okay? Why do you always have to be so difficult?
Some days it doesn't feel like anything anymore. He exists on a separate plane from everyone else, watching his physical form stare at the wall limply. Nurses come and go, lift his arms and shove things into his skin, wrap blood pressure cuffs around his biceps and change his IV fluid, and all he can do is lay there, force his eyes open and try not to retreat back into himself.
You're never alone in a hospital.
"Aws?" He shakes his head and blinks rapidly, lets his eyes come back into focus. Geoff's smile is gone. He's leaning toward him, brow furrowed, sandwich abandoned in its container. "You okay?"
He forces the corners of his lips upward. "Yeah."
"You can't lie to me, sunshine."
"I'm fine," he insists. He puts his own sandwich down and tilts his head to brush his lips against Geoff's. "I love you. Thank you for this."
Geoff uses one arm to shove the food boxes off to the side and scoots forward in the same motion. Awsten jumps, as he takes him into his arms and presses a long kiss against the top of his shoulder. "I love you so much. Please don't shut me out, okay? I want to help you. I'm here to help you."
"You are," he murmurs. "Trust me, you are."
...
September 5th, 2017 – 9:46 AM
"What's this for?"
"I'm not too sure, sunshine." He tightens the wrap around Awsten's bicep and walks his hand down his arm. When he gets to his elbow, he digs his fingers into Awsten's skin, feels around for the vein that should hurt him the least. The most prominent veins are the easiest to stick. "They didn't tell me that."
There are so many needle scars on his arm already. He's spent his entire life being poked and prodded like a science experiment, so much so that he doesn't even have to turn away now. Geoff remembers those days, years before he started training to become a nurse, when he would sit in the chair and hold Awsten on his lap and try to distract him to keep his gaze away from his arm.
It's a pang, a sort of sting that embeds itself into his chest and stabs at his heart. He swallows.
He's wanted to be a nurse for most of his life. Awsten being sick only fueled it. He remembers growing up, spending all his teen years in the hospital by Awsten's side, holding his hand during the chemo treatments and promising through tears that everything would be alright for surgery after surgery.
He's lived this alongside Awsten, but Awsten's been the one going through it all, dealing with the tests and surgeries and chemotherapy treatments, he's the one who was forced to give up a childhood and a normal life to be stuck with white walls and sterilized tubes and overwhelming antiseptic, he's the one whose life will never be any semblance of ordinary. This is his life. He had to give everything up.
He had to give everything up.
There's a lump in his throat. His vision is starting to blur. His eyes are getting misty.
He's wanted to be a nurse for most of his life.
This is one patient he never thought he'd have to treat.
This is one patient he never thought he'd have to treat.
"How much do you need this time?" Awsten's voice isn't high. He doesn't sound shaky or scared. His tone is level. He's not meeting his gaze. His eyes are on his lap, where he's picking at a loose thread on his sweatpants with his other hand.
Geoff shakes his head to clear it. The ache behind his eyes is a balloon that's about to pop. It's pressing against his skull, full of tears, about to rip and tear and spill. It's about to spill. Everything's about to spill. "Not much." He forces his voice to stay steady as he presses the needle into Awsten's skin.
Awsten doesn't even flinch.
He watches the needle go in and keeps his eyes there until Geoff pulls it out and presses gauze against the wound. Geoff drags in a breath, hiccups and tries not to let a sob slip with it.
But sure enough, "Gee? You okay?"
He swallows again. The lump in his throat throbs. His head aches as he lifts it. He looks at Awsten, at his wide eyes and skinny frame, at the thin hair that's just barely started to grow back and look how it used to before the chemicals ripped it all out. He looks down at the gauze he's still holding to Awsten's arm and then at the two tubes of his blood now placed in the sterilized box.
"Yeah, love. I'm fine."
...
"Awsie!"
"Why's Nurse W here?"
"What's the guitar for?"
He exchanges a look with Geoff and smiles, surveys the room and lets his gaze stop on Lily, whose eyes are fixated on him. "Geoff was telling me about a certain someone – or someones – being naughty?" He glances over at Geoff. "Right?"
Geoff's eyes are wide when he answers, "They just don't wanna eat their lunches, Aws. I didn't know what else to do."
"That's not fair!"
"I don't like it."
"It's gross..."
He nods. "I know, guys. The food sucks." He shouldn't even be preaching right now, shouldn't be telling them to eat what's on their plates, because more often than not he throws his own plates out and makes Jawn bring him Whole Foods. "But the nurses get all annoying and yell-y about it 'cause you're all on meds, okay? If you don't eat you'll get sick."
"He's right," Geoff says from behind. "But I'm glad you think I'm annoying, babe. Nice to know."
Jacob starts to 'oooooh' and Nia and Matty quickly follow. They're grinning widely at them, wide eyes and red cheeks paired with large smiles.
He rolls his eyes and leans back to peck Geoff's check. "Oh shut up. You know what I meant."
"Do I?"
"Yeah." His cheeks are growing hot. He drops his head and leans in to whisper into Geoff's ear, "and you are distracting them."
"Well," Geoff murmurs, breath warm against his ear. "You're distracting me." He closes his eyes as their lips slide together, feels Geoff's arm move down to his waist. Just as he reaches up to wrap his own arm around Geoff's neck, Geoff breaks the kiss and takes a step back.
"Uh..." Everything is so hot. His fingers are brushing Geoff's shoulder. He stretches his hand out more, grips onto him and takes a step back so they're standing next to each other. His lips are still tingling.
"But anyway, as Awsten was saying," Geoff continues. "You guys finish your lunches, and he's gonna sing you a song." He glances over. "Right, Aws?"
"R-right," he says faintly.
...
"Alright, what song are we doing?"
"You should sing one of yours," Geoff says. He unzips the guitar case and kneels in front of it to pull the instrument out. "Maybe not something...too sad, if you can? They've cried enough today."
He rolls his eyes and starts to flip through his journal. It may as well be called a songbook by now. At first it was messy feelings, but now they all come out in pretty metaphors that are inadvertently lyrical. "I live in a hospital, the fuck did you expect?"
"You gotta have something happy," Geoff insists. "It's not all white walls and hospital floors, is it?"
"And antiseptic smell," he mutters with a grin. "But no, yeah, I got something."
"You gonna give me the chords, or?"
"It's that one," he says. He forces himself to smile and reaches for one of Geoff's hands briefly. "The one I came up with that right? You helped me write some of it?"
"Aws..."
He swallows and looks down at the floor. "You got it?"
"Yeah."
"Awsie!"
"What song are you playing?"
"Do the pink one!"
"I like the silver one!"
"Does it have to be a color one?"
He takes a breath and keeps the smile plastered on his face, steps back to stand next to the stool Geoff's sitting on and leans his hip against it. He has to inhale again, looking out to all of their smiling faces. Nia's talking excitedly to Lily, nudging her shoulder and whispering loudly in her ear. Lily is smiling and nodding, but her gaze is focused on him. Jacob is pressed against Toby's side, saying something to him, to which Toby smiles and brushes a hand through his hair. Georgia has Rosie on her lap, and she's smiling and nodding as the two year old grabs a lock of her hair and starts to babble nonsense. He has to smile at Matty, who's trying very hard to have a silent conversation with Geoff, making an obvious effort to mouth words. You can do this. Breathe. You can do this. They're probably not gonna get it anyway.
Georgia and Toby will.
But the others won't.
They're counting on you.
You can do this.
"This is a new one," he says, tries to keep his voice level. "I wrote it a few months ago, with Geoff, actually. It's the first time I've sung it since, so...yeah, I guess. This is, I'll Always Be Around."
...
September 8th, 2017 – 3:37 PM
"Awsten? Kiddo, hey, can you come here a sec?"
Geoff stops.
It feels like the words jump-started his heart, shocked it backs into continuation of the never-ending marathon it's been running. The world stops for a second, pauses where it is and tilts slightly, goes fuzzy at the ends and allows the black to creep in.
Awsten's head doctor usually leaves everything up to the rest of his team. He doesn't join in unless things are particularly bad, unless he has a piece of news to give that is anything but standard. He isn't called in unless it's big, unless whatever's going on requires a more drastic treatment or everything needs to be changed. Calling Awsten to his office...
The blood test.
The results.
The results are in.
"I promised Georgia..." Awsten trails off. His words start to get softer by the end. He knows. He's been in here long enough to know what this means. He knows what this means. He knows exactly what this is. He knows. Geoff's heart is racing. It's hotcoldhotcoldhotcold fuckfuckfuck- "Y-Yeah. What's up?"
Geoff wrenches his head up to meet the man's eyes. They exchange a glance. He needs to be in the room Awsten can't be doing this alone he needs to be with him he needs to be with him he needs to be in that room with him- and fortunately, he receives a nod and a small hand gesture. He sets his binder on the nurses' station, ignores her calling after him irritably who's chart is this, Geoff? You can't just leave it wherever you want and expect us to...
He jogs to catch up and falls into place beside Awsten, reaches for his hand and squeezes tightly. It's already clammy, slick with sweat. Awsten is shaking. He swallows. Nonononopleasenonononono-
They sit down in the office. He keeps a tight hold on Awsten's hand and tries to take some deep breaths for himself. You are not allowed to panic right now. You cannot panic. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.
Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.
"What's going on?" Awsten's voice is so shaky. He tries to push his chair closer, gives his hand another tight squeeze. Awsten doesn't even acknowledge it. His gaze stays fixated on the doctor.
The man sighs. "We've been running tests for a couple weeks now, kid. That's what taking bone marrow and doing scans and drawing blood all those times was for. We wanted to make sure we were completely right before saying anything."
"W-What do you mean?"
Geoff swallows. His breath catches in his throat and he clenches his teeth in attempt not to cough. Please no please it can't be that please don't let it be that please he can't deal with this he doesn't need this please don't let it be that pleasepleaseplease-
"When we got your bone marrow sample back," he says. "We found some abnormalities in your white blood cells. That didn't necessarily mean – we had to do a lot more tests and imaging before we were able to confirm anything."
"Just say it." Awsten's voice is so soft. "Please. I need you to say it."
"Awsten-"
"Just tell me!"
"We did so many tests, did the same ones over again, tried to explain this any other way we possibly could...but everything came back the same. The results all point to one thing." He takes a heavy breath and shakes his head.
"Your cancer's back. I'm so sorry, kiddo."
There's a moment. Everything stops. The world is still. Someone hit the pause button.
And then it plays.
And Awsten runs.
...
"Aws- Awsten, hey, stop."
"Let go of me, Geoff!"
He struggles against Geoff's grip, pushes at his arms and fights against the tightening around his abdomen. "I mean it, let me go!"
"No." Geoff's voice is right next to his ear. He feels his breath warming his skin, feels the arms move up to his chest and wrap around him even tighter. "Just breathe, sunshine. I promise it'll be okay."
"No it won't!" The words end in a sob. He shoves at Geoff's chest again, keeps pushing and resisting. Gotta get out gotta go I can't be here it'sbackit'sbackit'sback-
I can't be here I can't do this let me go please let me go I need to be alone I can't do this anymore I don't want it why is this my life why does this keep happening why is it happening to me I don't want this anymore pleasepleaseplease- it'sbackit'sbackit'sback-
It's back.
The scream starts low, at the back of his throat. It feels like his vocal chords are tearing as it comes up. Everything hurts. His chest is open and the poison is flooding in and everything is burning the world is on fire he can't see can't move can't breathe what's going on why won't it stop it'sbackit'sbackit'sback-
"C'mon love," Geoff is saying. "Deep breaths. With me, okay? I'm right here. It's all gonna be okay, I promise."
"D-Don't," he gasps it out and then drops his head. Everything is blurry. He's squinting at the ground. His vision is squid-inked, black spots dancing and moving all around, combining together to obstruct everything. Can't see can't see can't see– it'sbackit'sbackit'sback-
Everything is on fire. The world is white-hot. It's burning it's all burning it's hot everything's hot it's moving it's hot it's too hot it won't stop nothing will stop why won't it stop it won't stop-
He can't see. He needs more air.
There's no more air.
He needs more air there's no more air he needs more air there's no more air he needs more air there's no more air he needs more air-
It's back it's here it's happening all over again I don't want it please nonono take it away I can't do this take it away I don't want it please I'm sorry please I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it-
There's pressure against his arms. The hands clasp his biceps and push him back. He feels the hard surface digging into his spine. His stomach is churning. Everything is spinning. Can't see can't move can't breathe redwhitehotredwhitehotredwhitehot-
"...breathe, Awsten..."
"...sunshine..."
"...doing...well..."
He hears bits and pieces. They all sound far away, like Geoff's voice is being transmitted through a vocoder from another room. It's distant. Everything's distant. He's floating. The world is getting smaller and smaller. He's going higher; ascending into a separate plane of existence where his body is not a battlefield the latest fight just broke out on.
The next breath barely feels like one. It fuels the burn in his chest, the smoldering of his lungs and hiss of everything charring to a crisp and floating down to dig into his chest cavity. It hurts. Everything hurts. It won't stop. It hurts.
It's back it's back it's back it's back it's back it's back it's back it'sbackit'sbackit'sback-
It's back.
...
September 8th, 2017 – 8:32 PM
"It's gonna be okay, sunshine."
He tousles his fingers through Awsten's hair and kisses the back of his head. Awsten sniffles, scoots up slightly and then lets his head flop back. "S-Sorry, I just..."
"Don't start," he mutters.
Awsten does this all the time. When they're alone, in private, it's like he turns into an infinite thank you note, exploding with 'I'm sorrys' and 'thanks for putting up with mes', overflowing and letting them pour out of him like he's a cup that needs to be emptied periodically. "You have nothing to be sorry for, love-"
"Geoff, thank god, there you are." He jumps, hears the door banging open and one of the on-duty night nurses call for him. "I know you're off today, but Jacob's crying and we're short on staff 'cause of the storm, can you help?"
"I-" He starts to say. Movement cuts him off. Awsten pushes out of his hold and slides to the floor, wipes a hand down his face and makes his way out of the room without a word.
He takes a breath and climbs off the bed too, exchanges a glance with the nurse as he makes his way out of the room and picks up into a slight jog in the direction of the pediatric ward. Awsten's long gone from the halls. He moves through quickly, comes to a stop in front of the double doors and pushes through, straight over to Jacob's bed.
"...thunder, okay? Wanna tell me why?" Awsten is curled up on the mattress next to Jacob. He's lying on his side with Jacob's head against his chest and his arm wrapped around Jacob's shoulders.
"I-It's just noise." Jacob's voice is barely audible, especially from Geoff's position at the foot of the bed. Awsten is louder, but not by much. Neither of them notices – or if they have, they aren't paying any attention to – his presence. He tugs his stethoscope to sit properly around his neck and takes a tiny step backward. "J-Just noise..."
Outside, the sky rumbles with another loud crack. The lights flicker briefly. They're gone for less than a second, but it's still enough to make Jacob jump and whimper, turn onto his side and tighten his arms around Awsten's waist.
"It's gonna be okay, love," Awsten murmurs. He presses a kiss against the crown of Jacob's head and hugs him closer. "It's just noise. It'll pass like it always does. You'll go to sleep and have nice, happy dreams, and when you wake up it'll be all gone, I promise."
"I'm scared..."
Geoff swallows. The words feel like a stab to his heart, a Jacob-sized missile that's large enough to burn a hole through the muscle. It starts a fire that stokes and sparks and burns, an ache in his chest that spreads quickly, smolders everything in its path and turns the entire cavity to flame.
"You wanna know what I do when I get scared?" Awsten hums.
"What?"
"I do something to get my mind off it." Awsten removes one arm from his body and stretches to the other side of the bed, pulls a book from the stack on top of Jacob's nightstand. "When I stop thinking so much about what's scaring me, it gets easier."
"R-Really?"
"Really." Geoff inhales, stares at the large smile on Awsten's face; he's grinning with his teeth, crinkling at the corners of his eyes and stretching so wide his cheeks look like they hurt. "Now where were we?"
"Harry's just about ta be sorted!"
"Oh!" Awsten's eyes go wide. "That's a really good part! What house do you think he'll be put in?"
"Slytherin!"
"What? Why?"
Jacob is giggling by now. The tears on his face are starting to dry up. His cheeks are pink and his smile is bright. He was sobbing ten minutes ago, and now he can't stop smiling.
Just noise.
...
September 12th, 2017 – 2:26 PM
They have a name for these days.
Amongst the nurses, they're called 'sudden death'.
The days when someone's kid is sick and someone else went on vacation and forgot to alert everyone else, when circumstances have piled in and formed a bullet that shoots the entire hospital in its foot. They have too many patients and not enough staff and that means they have to overcompensate and a job meant for six nurses has to now be done by three.
Having practically grown up in this hospital, he's been around for more than he can count.
You can tell by a nurse's tone of voice, the manner in which they handle things, their pace; the tells of 'sudden death' are hardly difficult to spot. People are grumpy and annoyed when they're stressed. It takes a special kind of person to shove that all back in and lock it far enough that it doesn't come oozing and seeping out into their personality.
And sure, Geoff is a really special person, but he's not that special.
The kids have all needed something today. Everyone's been fussy and grumpy and tired; they're spiking fevers and running around all over the place, tired of being cooped up inside but too unwell to be taken out for a walk. The cabin fever is setting in with Geoff's resolve headed closer and closer to the bin.
He can see it on Geoff's face. His eyebrows are furrowed and his lip is pulled between his teeth as he scribbles something into a chart. His hair is a mess, his scrubs are stained with something – some kid probably threw up on him and he hasn't had time to change – and his eyes are red.
He wants to say something, wants to slip behind him and wrap his arms around his waist, wants to breathe you're doing great, love. I know you're stressed and everything's a lot, but you're handling it really well against his ear, but he knows it wouldn't help. He knows Geoff has a lot of work to do, and distracting him – even if it is to try and help him relax a little – will only stress him out even more.
The news has felt like a hurricane. A natural disaster that's eclipsed their worlds and turned them on the side. It feels like that. The world's been turned 90 degrees, flipped onto its side, but everything hasn't moved with it. The world has changed but everything else hasn't and the limbo is lingering.
It's too much. It's all too much.
"Nurse W?"
"Nurse W..."
"Nurse W!"
Geoff jumps. The binder wobbles on the tray he was leaning on, and crashes to the ground. He blows out a heavy sigh and leans down to pick it up. "Give me a second, Matthew."
Awsten winces. He looks over at Matty, barely catches a glimpse of his wide eyes and quivering lip, before tiny footsteps pound against the tile floor and the four-year-old runs out of the room.
He sighs.
Matty's had a rough day. He spiked a fever overnight, so the nurses have been all over him, checking his vitals every hour to make sure he hasn't caught an infection. He's been bound to his bed in case there actually is something wrong, which doesn't bode well for a hyperactive four year old that loves to run around and play. He doesn't do well without his daily playroom time.
"Aws, fuck, I didn't mean to, could you..." Geoff trails off. He shakes his head and looks down at the chart in his hands.
"I got him," he replies. He knows exactly where Matty'll be. His favorite place in the hospital is that damn playroom. It's not much compared to a child's playroom at home, but the hospital has manage to accumulate a ton of board games, along with a foosball table, a pool table, and multiple video game systems. The room is massive, with tons of windows and brightly colored walls. And the kids spend every minute they can spare inside; a reminder of the future to tide them over. "Hey love, everything's okay. Geoff's just grumpy today. He has a lot of work to do because some of the other nurses didn't come in."
"He's mad at me," comes the tiny voice. He follows it to the edge of the foosball table, kneels down and presses his ear to the ground, sees Matty curled up underneath. "I made him mad."
Awsten sighs. His heart feels like it's being pulled, like Matty's piece is trying to break away from the others and descend into the bottom of his stomach. It's this ache that funnels out from deep in his chest, awakens every time one of the kids is upset and coats everything with a light layer of pain. "I promise he's not, Mats. He knows you've had a hard day and you didn't mean to bother him."
"I hate staying in bed."
He smiles. "I know you do, kid. The doctors were just worried today, hm." He scoots closer to the edge of the table and stretches a hand out. "When you guys randomly get fevers in the middle of the night, it means something bad could be happening. They just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"But Awsie, I feel fine," Matty insists. "I don't feel sick 'nymore."
"That's great, dude!" He exclaims. He drops his voice down for the next few words, "how about we go on a little adventure to celebrate, hm?"
"An adventure?" Matty's eyes seem to light up. He pushes up on his hands and stretches to connect his back with the bottom of the table. "Cool!"
"For sure, kiddo," Awsten replies. "Come on out, let's go do something cool!"
Getting Matty to sit in a wheelchair is a bit more of a struggle. He insists he's fine, pushes at Awsten's hands and whines when he rolls the chair up behind him, I don't wanna sit in thaaaat, why can't I just walk like a normal person? It takes a good five minutes to convince him, it's a special kind of adventure, okay? It'll be so much cooler in the chair, I promise.
But soon enough, they're off. He grips the handlebars tightly, gives the chair a hard push, and starts to sprint after it. Matty's giggles can be heard all the way down the hall. He catches up to the chair and grabs the handlebars again, keeps his stride and runs straight ahead, into the elevator that's just opened.
"Press a button," he instructs Matty, once the doors have closed.
"Which one?"
"Any one you want."
The elevator surges upward. The doors open with a ding.
He's not even sure what floor this is.
He grips the handlebars and shoves the wheelchair forward.
And then he's running all over again.
...
September 14th, 2017 – 5:48 PM
Something shoves at his shoulder.
It's gone before he has a chance to see what it is. He stops, clutches his clipboard against his chest and turns around.
Awsten's footsteps are loud, smacking against the tile floor. He has his head down and his arms drawn into his body. He speedwalks past Geoff and disappears down the hall, turns a corner out of view and vanishes completely.
"Dammit..." He looks up, makes eye contact with Awsten's head doctor, and grits his teeth.
"What the hell happened?" He mutters. He drops his clipboard off at the nurses' station, Parker, room 302, he's all set for the night, and walks right up to where the other man is standing. "What did you say to him?"
"Geoff," the man sighs. "We just scheduled his chemo treatments. He's starting tomorrow."
"He's...what?"
Everything goes cold. He feels the ice, feels it travel up his veins and seep into his bones like he was just dunked in a vat of frigid liquid.
"Yeah," Awsten's doctor replies. "First thing tomorrow, we've got a chair all ready for him. We're doing it in cycles this time, so he's gonna have the first infusion tomorrow, and then a couple weeks of rest. That'll give his body some time to make new, healthy cells."
"Fuck," he whispers. "He, I- fuck..."
"Go," the man murmurs. "I'll take care of your other patients. He needs someone with him right now."
He nods. His hands are shaking. He feels it in his legs too, like they're the consistency of jello and won't carry him any further if he tries to walk. He forces down a swallow and turns around.
And he runs.
...
His chest hurts.
It's a thorn in his side, a stabbing pain that keeps shooting and getting worse the faster he goes. It's the kind of pain he knows will get worse if he stops. He can't stop running. He needs to find Awsten. Can't stop running need to find Awsten can't stop where is he where is he where is it-
Not in his room. Not in the pediatric ward. Not in the playroom. None of the kids seem like they've seen him. Geoff doesn't want to say anything, doesn't want to ask Georgia or Toby whether he's passed by, they don't need to know. You don't need to scare the. They don't need to know.
"Fucking hell, where is he?" He grunts. "Aws? Awsten!"
He finds himself in Awsten's room once again, surveying the nightstand – his journal is still sitting there, like always – and the bed – his phone isn't there, so he must have it with him. He rakes a hand through his hair with a shaky gasp. "Fuck, Aws, where are you?"
That's when he hears it.
It's tiny. The sound is smaller than he's heard from Awsten in a long time. If he didn't know any better, he'd think it was one of the kids. It almost sounds like Matty or Nia on a bad day. They're the most vocal about it. Lily never says anything and Jacob is starting to follow in Toby's footsteps, not expressing unless he's asked.
"Oh, sunshine..." he sighs. He steps around in front of the bathroom – the door is open, why the fuck didn't he bother looking the first time he was here – and bites his lip. He moves further into the bathroom, a few feet behind Awsten, and looks over him, into the mirror.
There are tears rolling down his cheeks. His eyes are red. He's perched on the bathroom counter, fiddling with an electric razor, trying to plug it into the outlet next to the sink. It keeps slipping out of his hands because they're shaking so much.
"Aws..."
"Please don't shave your head too." The words are punctuated by a sob. He slides off the counter and takes a couple steps to meet Geoff in the middle of the bathroom. He reaches up and tangles a hand in Geoff's hair, swallows heavily. "You're just starting to look like yourself again. And it- it reminds me of what I lost."
He shaved his head. He remembers the day, remembers feeling the realization, the start against his chest as Awsten sat up in a flurry and burst into tears. He remembers the grip, how tightly he held him, lips pressed against his head and fingers running rapidly through his hair, it's just hair, sunshine. It doesn't define you. You'll still be beautiful. He remembers the lasting kiss, leaving his lips against Awsten's head for a while, and hey, it'll grow back, y'know? It's a reminder of what you're going through. How strong you are. It'll grow back when all of this is over and you can dye it whatever color you want and you'll always remember what it took to get you there. It's just hair, love. Okay? Just hair.
He remembers waiting until Awsten had finally drifted into sleep, going straight to the bathroom and turning on the razor without a second thought.
The lump in his throat is throbbing. His vision is starting to blur, slightly misty and foggy at the edges. He reaches out and pulls Awsten into his arms. Awsten snakes his own arms around his back and they stay there. He tightens his grip and Awsten grabs fistfuls of his shirt and no one moves. Nothing moves. They stay.
When he pulls back, it's just a tad, only enough to keep Awsten at arm's length, "what if neither of us shave our heads?"
"Geoff, I can't," Awsten says quietly. He drops his head down. "I can't watch it gradually-" His breath hitches. "Just...fall out."
"Hey, whoa, breathe." Geoff tightens his arm around Awsten's back and presses another kiss to his head.
What's a color you've always wanted your hair to be?"
...
September 15th, 2017 – 9:56 AM
"Alright kiddo, just attaching this last bag, and...you're all set, okay? It's gonna be a while, though, so make yourself comfy."
"Can...can he stay?"
Geoff swallows. The words feel like a bullet sent spiraling into the bottom of his heart. Awsten owns it, climbed into his chest and claimed it so long ago, sits on top with the most beautiful smile on his face and both hands under his chin, faced turned up to the sky. Awsten has the largest part of his heart, the same part that's been stitched over and glued together and hangs, from the thinnest thread. Awsten has it and he keeps breaking it.
"I took today off," he says, before the nurse has a chance to speak. "Tomorrow too. And I can take Wednesday if you need me to. I'm here, sunshine. You've got me."
They knew. Awsten's doctor was ready to fight if he had to, make sure, if anyone says anything to you, you send them to me, okay? The kid has no one and I'll be damned if they don't let you stay with him. The hospital didn't give him any trouble, and up until this point, he's been allowed to be in the room for everything. They needed to do a blood test and even let him be the one to do it, let him practice medicine on his day off because Awsten was getting panicky and this could not be the first blood draw in years that ended in tragedy.
"Of course he can stay," the nurse says. "I'll be back in a little while to check on you, okay? You know to press the button if you need anything, so just...good luck, sweetheart. Let's hope you don't react too badly."
Geoff drops to his knees in front of Awsten once she's out of the room, grabs both his hands and squeezes. "You doing okay, love? Still feel sick?"
Awsten shrugs and turns his head away. "I dunno."
"Your hair looks pretty." He leans up to brush his fingers through the newly dyed blue strands. They put a ton of conditioner in after the bleach and the result is so soft. He can't stop playing with it.
"Shut up."
"Hey," he murmurs. He squeezes Awsten's hands again, swings them back and forth. "It's gonna be okay, sunshine. We'll get through this."
"I just-" Awsten's face seems to crumple. He bites his lip and lets out a dry sob. "I thought it was over. I thought I was finally getting my life back. I thought- I thought I was done with this..."
Geoff stops there. He has to.
The ache is giant. It feels too big. It's right behind his eyes, a malleable balloon that's seconds away from popping. It lodges itself in, presses against the rut in his skull, and keeps going. The pocket of tears feels too full. It all feels too full. Everything is too full.
He doesn't know what to say.
He doesn't know what words to string together, what message to send, how to breathe reassurances into a body that's already beyond fallen apart. He doesn't know how to keep saying it'll be okay, you'll beat it, you've got this, I promise it'll all be okay, because he doesn't.
He doesn't know if it'll be okay.
Awsten's cheeks are red. His eyes are glassy. His lip is quivering. His hands are clammy in Geoff's, damp and slick with sweat. He looks so small in the chair, with his skinny shoulders and tiny frame, a child in a near adult's body living a life he never wanted.
He swallows and stands up on his knees, surges forward and takes Awsten into his arms – as best he can without disturbing the IV – and kisses the side of his head. He holds him for a while, keeps his lips against his skin and his eyes closed. Sunshine.
"What can I do?" The words feel hollow. It's like someone punched a hole through his chest and the pieces are dangling, bone fragments hanging from tiny threads, teetering over falling to their deaths and embedding themselves deep into the bottom of his chest cavity.
"The kids," Awsten whispers. His voice is thick. "Don't say anything to them, okay? They don't need to know."
...
"Easy, love, there you go, you're okay. Deep breaths, you're doing so well."
The aftereffects of the chemo don't waste any time. He rubs Awsten's back as he gags again, winces and tries to keep hold of the basin while still supporting Awsten's body. Awsten lets out a sob in between heaves. Tears are pouring down his cheeks. His hair is plastered to his forehead, sticky with sweat.
"Geoff..." Awsten whimpers. The spell seems to be over (for now, at the very least), but he doesn't lift his head. "It hurts."
"I know, sunshine. I'm sorry." He winds his arm tighter around Awsten's back and moves the basin off to the side. "You think you're done for now?"
"I dunno."
"Sunshine..."
"They probably think I left them." Awsten's voice is hoarse, raspy from all the vomit. "They're gonna be so mad at me, I- fuck." He scrambles against Geoff's arm and grabs for the basin, moves his head over it just in time to gag once more.
Geoff sighs and rubs his back, reaches over to hold the container on Awsten's lap. "Careful, sweetheart. You're gonna really hurt yourself if you keep doin' this."
"Already did," come the words, soft with a hint of rasp. "You- you should go ta them. They need you-" He pauses and shifts with a grimace. "M-more than I do. M'used to this."
"Stop." He tightens his grip around Awsten's waist. Awsten turns to look at him, and he exhales, shakes his head and runs a finger across Awsten's sweaty cheek. "I took the week off. You know that. You're my priority right now. The kids are fine, love. The other nurses have them." He sighs and leans in to kiss Awsten's hair. "You take care of everyone, sunshine. Now it's my turn to take care of you."
He's never reacted well to chemo. Geoff remembers the first time, remembers when he learned what it meant to 'feel your heart sink into your stomach'. He remembers standing at the edge of Awsten's bed with tears in his eyes, feeling bugs stinging his skin and the blood rushing in his ears, like Awsten was on fire and he'd turned into gasoline.
The vomiting doesn't start until afterward, until the chemicals have had a chance to seep into his bloodstreams and settle in amongst the cells. It takes them a while to adjust, but once they do, the damage begins.
He throws up everything in his system and cries, burns up with a fever that fries, all whilst the chemo wreaks havoc on his body. Geoff watches and winces and feels more pieces of his heart chip off, feels them drop and press into the bottom of his chest and sting, bleed, you're fucking useless why can't you do anything fucking do something you useless piece of shit. He doesn't deserve to suffer like this.
He doesn't deserve to suffer like this.
"G-Gee?" He blinks and refocuses on Awsten, pulls his teeth in with his lip and presses down. "I'm c-cold..." He's shivering. His teeth are chattering loudly. "M-make it stop..."
Geoff swallows and moves his hand up to Awsten's forehead. He has to pull it away almost instantly, lean back and shake his hand out before he wraps it around Awsten's waist again. "You're burning up, sweetheart. Lemme just go get a cloth..." He squirms, tries to push Awsten's arms away and detach himself. "Love, you gotta let go."
"No." Awsten's voice is so small. "Warm."
"Yeah, you are, sunshine. Your fever is high." Geoff sighs. His heart feels like it's bleeding, like every word is a separate slash and every piece is sailing away on a raft of its own. "This'll help, I promise."
"I got it."
He inhales sharply as he lifts his head; watches Otto take a couple steps up to the edge of the bed and place a folded washcloth in the middle of Awsten's forehead. His own hair is shoved into a beanie and his eyes are downcast. He straightens the fabric on Awsten's head and leans in to brush his lips against his hair.
"I didn't- they didn't say you were-"
"You haven't picked up your phone in days," Otto murmurs. "Jawn and I were worried. He wanted ta come with, but he got called into work. I didn't..." He trails off and shakes his head. "Why didn't you tell me, Geoff? He's your boyfriend, but he's...he's important to me too. You know that."
"I..." He looks down at Awsten, whose eyes are closed. His breathing is starting to deepen. "I didn't know what to say. How to say it, I guess? I don't know anything anymore. M'just..." He swallows. "I can't feel. Not right now. Not while he's feeling everything."
"You can." Otto glances behind himself and reaches for one of the chairs that are been backed against the wall. He slides it over and turns it around, sits backward and grips onto the bars at the back. "With me."
...
"I can't do this. Not when he's like this, I just-"
Geoff cuts himself off, tightens his grip around Awsten and keeps his eyes trained there. He waits for him to continue, to pick up where he left off and finish the thought, but the words don't seem to come.
"He's asleep," he says. "And he has a fever so it's a pretty fuckin' deep sleep. You're okay, Geoff. Let it all out."
"I can't," Geoff grounds out. His voice sounds choked. It's like there's gravel in his throat, a new piece tangling with every word. "He needs me not to. I can't have my feelings right now. They're not important."
He sighs and stands, walks back over to the side of the bed and reaches for one of Geoff's hands. "They're always important."
Geoff does this. He always has. He represses and pulls in, absorbs every last ounce of what he's feeling to put it in this tiny bottle and lodge that in the hollows of his chest. He squeezes out whatever he can, has a breakdown in the staff room or bursts into tears while he's getting ready, turns on the waterworks for a minute and then forces them off, forces it down, forces everything away.
"His cancer's back," Geoff says the words to Awsten's head. He won't look up. "It's back and it might be worse than before we don't know and he's back on chemo and everything's happening all at once and I don't have time for this." He finally lifts his head. His eyes are glassy and red-rimmed. "I have him and the kids and all the fucking work I have to do here I just can't-" A dry sob. "I just can't."
"You don't have to," Otto replies. He leans forward to wrap his arms around Geoff's shoulders, careful to avoid disturbing Awsten. He can feel the sleeve of his shirt starting to dampen. He winces. "Not right now. Right now is yours, okay? You don't have to be anything for anyone. It's okay. Just breathe, alright? I gotcha."
It's silent for a few minutes. Geoff cries quietly against him, silent tears that are soaking into the fabric of his shirt. "I'm so scared. All the time. I'm so fucking scared this might be it. That I might-" A breath that ends in a sob. "I'm so fucking scared I might lose him."
The ache behind his eyes is big. He wants to cry too. Everything hurts.
He swallows and tightens his grip, starts to rub Geoff's upper back. "You won't. He's gonna be okay. I know he is. He's survived the worst and he'll survive this too. You know him. You know how much he's been through. He's so strong. He's not going down without a fight."
"I don't know how much fight he has left."
...
September 21st, 2017 – 2:38 PM
"Awsie!"
"Whoa!"
"It's blue!"
"Your hair's so pretty!"
He swallows against the lump in his throat and forces the smile to say on his face. Nothing is wrong. They don't need to know. Nothing is wrong. You can't tell them. They don't need to know. They don't need to worry. Nothing is wrong.
The last six days have been the worst he's had in a very long time. He doesn't remember the last time it was this bad, can't recall a time previously when pulling himself out of bed didn't feel like his body weighed a thousand tons and merely opening his eyes formed a very large lump in his throat that fortified itself with steel.
He's been staying away. The chemo is hard. It hurts. His body feels like a battlefield but the war's barely started. Every side effect is a new battle, a new tiff that breaks out and wreaks havoc. It feels like he's bleeding, all the time. Every day he's being sliced open a different way, and the pieces that are left don't fit together anymore.
"You like it?"
"Yeah!" The vigorous nod comes from Nia. "It's awesome!"
"Thanks, love," he says. He steps over to her bed and shifts Rosie against his hip to ruffle her hair. "How've you been today?"
"Missed you." Nia ignores the question and holds her arms out. "Where'd you go?"
He exhales and swallows again, feels the saliva travel downward and settle in his stomach heavily. Nothing is wrong. They don't need to know. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. "I just got really busy with my family and stuff." He pauses, tries to keep his voice steady. "But I really missed you guys."
A silence falls over the room. He bites his lip. Toby and Georgia are looking at him. He can see the confusion on their faces. Their gazes are burning into his back. They don't believe you they don't believe you they don't-
He feels an arm snake around his back and exhales a shaky breath, leans into Geoff's grip and closes his eyes for a briefly. Geoff rubs his back for a few seconds and then takes a step over to Nia's bed. "And they really missed you too, so how would y'all feel about a movie night to catch up?"
"Yeah!"
"Yes!"
"Please, Awsie?"
He smiles, presses a kiss against the top of Rosie's head with a swallow. "Geoff was just telling me that he got some new movies for you guys. I think he got Moana and that other new Disney one..."
Lily is leaning so far off her bed that she looks like she's going to fall out. Her eyes are wide. She's reaching for him, making grabby hands and opening and closing her fingers. He takes a step closer, shifts Rosie on his hip and reaches for one of her hands with his free one. He tightens his hold on Rosie so he can lean down and press a kiss to her hair.
"Movie night it is." He hears Geoff say from behind. "Let's go into the playroom guys, alright?"
"Yeah!"
None of the kids have IVs in at the moment. He knows Jacob is scheduled for a vitals check in a couple hours – Lily just got back from hers, Geoff is doing Nia's right now, Matty's was done, and Rosie just finished – and Georgia and Toby know when they have to get up and come back into the ward for their checks. This is – ironically – the perfect time.
Matty jumps onto Geoff's back. He watches Jacob tap Toby's shoulder until he gives a very heavy mock sigh and crouches down too. Nia grabs Georgia's hand and starts to giggle, race you to the playroom! Boys vs. girls! Their footsteps are loud as they run out of the room and stomp down the hall.
"Ow, sweetheart." He unclasps Rosie's chubby fingers from his hair and kisses her cheek. "Careful, okay?" She babbles something he doesn't quite catch and flops against his shoulder.
"Awsie?" He feels a tug at the hem of his shirt and smiles down at Lily.
"Yeah, love?"
"Your hair's really pretty," she says softly. She moves her gaze down to stare at her lap as soon as she finishes talking.
"Thank you, Lil," he murmurs. He lifts her chin and brushes his fingers through her hair. "Come on, let's go watch the movie, hm?" He turns around and bends his knees slightly. "Climb on."
"You've got Rosie." Lily's voice is barely audible at this point. "It's okay."
"I can carry you both," he replies. His heart feels like it's being pulled, like her piece is trying to tear itself from the whole. He shifts Rosie with one arm, and uses the other to squeeze Lily's hand. "C'mere, love. We'll go watch Moana and I'll braid your hair, how's that sound?"
Lily smiles.
...
A crab is singing.
An evil crab is singing a song about something being shiny. He isn't sure what or what happened or how they got to this point, but a crab is clawing at whatever character The Rock is playing and singing about seafood and shiny things.
The younger kids are enthralled. Lily, Nia, and Matty haven't looked up since the movie began. Toby, Jacob, and Georgia seem a little less captured and Rosie probably couldn't care less, but the little kids are enjoying it.
He hasn't really been following the story. The songs are catchy and the dialogue is funny at some parts, but he hasn't been able to pull his mind out of the hole it's been sucked into.
It's all so much. It's so much and it feels so heavy and he can't move out from underneath. He can't move or breathe or escape any of it. These white walls are his reality, a physical representation of the life that feels like catastrophe.
It was starting to get better. Things were starting to go back to normal. He was starting to unstick himself from the passive as he passed into a more active role in his life. The world was starting to come back into orbit, like he'd finally come back to Earth and reentered his body again, given life to a body that had been disguised as a corpse for so long.
He was alive but never living.
The world was different too. He remembers that, when a tiny stream of light cracked through the weight on his shoulders, split it in half and started to break off pieces. He remembers feeling lighter, feeling like he was floating in the best way, overlooking cotton candy skies through newfound rollercoaster highs.
He remembers how sparkly everything started to look. The world was clearer and brighter and prettier, with glitter and shine everywhere. It felt like a dream. Like his nightmare was morphing into an existence he could get used to living in. A conclusion that was no longer confusing. The world wasn't blurry anymore. Nothing was blurry anymore.
It was a new canvas and he'd been given paints for the first time.
And then it hit. A wrecking ball that was on fire, sparking with every reminder of the existence that-
He swallows. The lump in his throat is throbbing. Everything feels far away, like he's managed to float out of his body and onto a separate layer of pain in the last twenty minutes. He blinks, refocuses his vision, and forces in a deep breath. Not now. You'll have time for this later. Not now. Not now. Not now.
He rakes a hand through his hair.
He stops.
Someone hit pause on the world. The breath has been sucked dry from his body, leeched from his bones and tugged away from his throat. It feels like sandpaper. The last thread holding his heart together has snapped and it's falling down, further and further, sinking into his stomach and rolling back on the switch that sends nausea surging up into his veins.
No. No. No.
He forces himself to look downward, moves his entire head to stare at his hands, stare at the lock of hair that has just fallen out and into his palm.
He tries to stifle it, keep it back, lodge it in his chest for later when he's back in his room and Geoff is with him- wait for Geoff wait for Geoff not now please not right now I can't do this- so it's not nearly as loud as if he'd chosen not to, but a tiny sound, a whimper leaves his throat.
He hears the gasp.
He whips his head up, locks eyes with Georgia, whose gaze is flittering from the lock of hair to him so fast he can't follow it. Her lip is already starting to quiver. Her eyes are getting glassy.
"Fuck," he curses in a whisper. He closes his fingers around the lock of hair and slips his hand into his pocket, slides out from under Lily, "I'll be right back, alright love? Just gonna go to the bathroom real quick."
He meets Georgia's eyes once again and then looks pointedly at the hallway, bites his lip, what the hell am I supposed to say to her how do I do this she wasn't supposed to find out she wasn't fuckfuckfuck-
Georgia makes her way out of the playroom and steps no further, plants her feet and crosses her arms over her chest. Her lip is wobbling dangerously and there are already tears on her cheeks.
"Georgia, love..." he sighs, shakes his head and presses harder into his lip. "I didn't, you weren't supposed to-"
"You're sick again," Georgia chokes out. Her voice is thick with tears. "Aren't you? It's back. You're getting chemo again. That's why your hair is falling out."
"Sweetheart..." His heart is constricting. It feels like she just took a sledgehammer to it, slammed into it at full force and smashed it to smithereens. Nausea is swimming up his throat. The ache behind his eyes is pulsating.
"Answer me!"
"Yeah," he says. His voice cracks. He knows he's crying too. "They found some abnormalities in my white blood cells, and-
Georgia sobs. She covers her face with her hands and cries loudly, a kind of sound that bottles itself up and comes flying toward him, bypasses every layer of skin to crash into what's left of his heart.
He surges forward and pulls her into his arms, presses nose to head, wraps arms around waist. She throws her arms around his abdomen and buries her head in his chest, lets out another sob that muffles slightly into his shirt but still sounds as guttural as the first one.
"It's gonna be okay, love," he whispers. His voice is shaking. His hands are, too. He tries to keep them steady as he rubs her back, kisses the top of her head and hugs her even closer. "I'm gonna be okay. You don't have to worry about me. I'll beat this, you'll see."
"You don't know that!" Georgia wails. "You don't know anything! What happens if you don't? What are we gonna do? Awsie," She hiccups, chokes on tears and starts to cough. He winces and presses firmer into her back, rubs in small, tight circles. "What am I gonna do without you?"
"Nothing." He closes his eyes and presses his cheek against the top of her head, lets the tears stream freely down his face. "Because I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm staying right here. I'm gonna beat this and be around to play Monopoly with you and help you with lyrics and tease you about Toby and teach you- teach you how to play guitar. I'm gonna be around. I'm gonna beat this. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
...
September 22nd, 2017 – 11:21 AM
"N-no."
Lily starts shaking her head, slow at first, and then faster and faster, eventually so fast that she's probably making herself dizzy. He sighs and takes a step forward, reaches for her shoulders. She tenses underneath him, but doesn't start to move away. Just as he's about to speak, he hears the tiniest, "No, Awsie."
Lily is peering up at him with wide, glassy eyes. Her lip is quivering. His grip on her shoulders has allowed her to wrap her hands around his forearms. She squeezes. Her little nails are digging into his skin, sharp enough to prick, but not nearly enough to hurt. "Please. No."
"Lil." He bends his knees and crouches so he's at her eye level. "I promise it'll be okay, love. It's not going to hurt. You'll be fine."
"Scary," she mumbles. Her voice is so small. She moves her gaze to her lap and pulls her knees up and into her chest. "Don't wanna."
"How about I come with you?" He offers. He scoots his hands down and around her back, slides onto the bed and pulls her to his chest in one motion. She curls in and buries her face in his shirt, lets out the tiniest whimper that slowly transitions into a sigh.
He swallows. He looks down at her and watches his hand come up to rub her back, keeps his eyes there and pulls his lip in with his teeth.
It's like his heart's been split, like each of the kids has crawled inside and claimed their own piece, perched on top of them and turned each one into their own arts and crafts project. They're both different and vital, like slashing through one or feeling it pull away from the hole turns everything upside down. If one of them falls, they all fall. They all fall and nothing's okay. These kids inadvertently have so much power, positions that weren't necessarily given to them but happened on their own; he got attached and they made their homes in his heart and he's not getting any of it back.
The universe seems to be on his side. Lily contemplates things for a few seconds longer before peeking up at him long enough to nod. She clenches her fingers around the fabric of his shirt and scoots even closer, close enough that he eventually pulls her onto his lap and moves to properly sit on the bed, shoots an apologetic look at the orderlies that have to transport a much heavier bed than they were originally planning to.
"It's an ultrasound," one of them says. "So you're good, kiddo. We're just bringing this in." They roll in the ultrasound machine, right up to the edge of the bed, and set to work connecting everything.
"Do you know what it's for?" Geoff wouldn't tell him. He's asked multiple nurses – maybe they didn't tell him 'cause he's a student – but they've been silent too. No one will tell him what's going on. They're hiding and he's trying, trying to find their needle in the haystack of 'I don't knows', trying to keep his breaths at ease when it feels like everything is starting to freeze.
"They didn't tell us anything, kid, sorry. We just gotta get all this hooked up before the doctor comes in, alright?"
He swallows and forces out a nod. His heart is racing. He doesn't know what's going on. His breath is coming shorter, shallower and shallower as he grips Lily's body tighter and buries his nose in her hair. He doesn't know what's wrong doesn't know what's wrong what'swrongwhat'swrongwhat'swrong-
It's just a routine ultrasound.
She's going to be fine.
It's just a routine ultrasound.
She's going to be fine.
She's going to be fine.
She's going to be fine.
The saliva feels heavy in his stomach.
She's going to be fine.
She has to be fine.
...
September 22nd, 4:45 PM
"Yeah, and just put your middle finger there...yep, there you go, that's G major."
Toby shifts his finger into place and strums the chord, smiles widely at the sound. Awsten looks down at the neck of his own instrument and follows up with another G chord, one Toby's sounds almost exactly like. He's getting it.
"Good!" He exclaims. "You're a fast learner."
"I have a good teacher." Toby looks back up at him and bites his lip. "But he's really stupid sometimes, too."
"W-what?" He swallows. His heart picks up almost immediately, like someone flipped a switch to turn from peace to panic. Toby is the oldest. He's not like Nia or Lily or Jacob; he can't be placated with a white lie wrapped in lullabies. He knows what's up and he sees through everything.
Toby moves his gaze to the ground. "Georgia told me," he says quietly. "Y'know, what you guys talked about a couple days ago. Don't be mad at her!" He holds his hands up in surrender. "I kinda forced it out. She was crying and kept crawling in my bed with me and I needed to know what was goin' on."
"So you..." he trails off. The words die in his throat, like the lump lodged in the back has grown to a full-on barrier keeping them back. The bugs are starting to awaken under his skin, press their stingers down further and gnaw and absorb. "You know..."
"...yeah."
"Fuck." He squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fingers around the neck of the guitar, and feels the strings dig into his skin. It hurts. It stings. But it's a good pain, a good sting. He presses further.
"You're not on your own, y'know."
"Toby, I-" Everything stings. The world is on fire and it's starting to burn deep, char everything that's left of his chest and turn it all to ruble. He knows. He knows. The one thing he wasn't supposed to find out and he knows and Georgia knows and the kids Nia Lily, Jacob Matty fuckfuckfuck-
"You're always there for us," Toby continues. "You hold Jacob when he has nightmares and go with Lily to her scans and make sure Nia doesn't rip her cannulas out. You're the one that knows what Matty needs when he's having a bad day and makes sure Rosie's getting the love she needs. You make sure all of us, are getting the love we need." His voice catches in his throat. He pauses and shakes his head. "But it goes both ways, y'know? You don't have to be the hero all the time. It's okay to need us sometimes too."
He swallows. The ache behind his eyes is starting to burst. It's leaking everywhere, paint layers of pain coating the room in anguish. Everything feels too big. It's too much. This is too much. It's all too much.
"I just..." is all he can force out. Everything hurts. It's too much. It hurts. "I'm so scared. All the time. And I didn't- I didn't want you guys to be scared. I'm always the one tellin' you it'll be okay but this I just- I don't know. I don't know if it'll be okay and I didn't wanna scare you guys and I just- I didn't want anyone to worry about me." A sob tears from his throat, dry and scratchy. It feels like there's an open wound left in its wake, raw and blistering. It feels like razors cutting through everything.
Toby's eyes are glassy and his voice is thick when he speaks next, "you're our big brother, Aws. We love you. We don't know if it'll end up okay but we can be there for you while it happens. Like you are for us all the time. We wanna be there for you. Let us be there for you. You've done enough for us." His breath hitches.
"And hey, even heroes need saving sometimes, right?"
...
September 23rd, 2017 – 1:30 PM
"NO! PLEASE! AWSIE!"
He hears the cries from across the hospital. They're distinct, punctuated by guttural sobs and loud, raspy coughs. He pulls the other earbud out of his ear and flips his journal shut, slides off the bed and wobbles onto his feet in one motion.
His heart is racing.
He can feel it in his ears as he takes off, runs out of his room and into the hallway, past the nurses' desk, Awsten, don't run! You're gonna hurt yourself or someone- and straight to the pediatric ward. He bursts through the double doors at full speed, squeezes his eyes shut and swallows against the nausea already rising.
His stomach is in his throat. It's the kind of feeling you get running the mile in PE, that overwhelming stickiness and heaviness in your chest, like it's nausea rather than blood being pumped into your veins, knowing that you have to keep going, because if you stop you're going to puke. It's a blanket that drapes over him stickily, coats everything in a mush and blurs it all together.
Lily.
Lily's crying.
He stumbles over to her bed – wobbles dangerously and almost trips and collapses on himself multiple times – and straightens against the rails. A weight hits his chest. A pair of arms winds around his neck.
"Lil," he chokes out. His breath is coming in pants. The room is tilting and shifting. He reaches his arms up to wrap around her, pulls her into his chest and turns to the man standing at the foot of her bed. There's a nurse on the other side, holding a needle attached to a tube, with two more tubes lined up in the tray in front of her. "What the hell is going on?"
"Awsten-"
"Was this planned?" He continues. He knows Lily's doctor. The man is the main guy in charge of all the kids; he's a fifth year resident who oversees all of their care after the specialists give instructions. He's been doing this for a while now, spent most of his residency in this ward – Awsten'd like to think they know each other pretty well.
He would've said something, if Lily had a planned blood test. The entire ward knows how terrified she is of needles. It's a process; they tell him the day before and he goes to her that night, slips into bed next to her and strokes her hair as he tells her what's going to happen. He stays with her – the nurses are all used to this by now; they know that if it doesn't happen, then, well, this, will happen – and coaxes her into things slowly, and it works. It works every time.
"Awsie they're tryna stick me I don't want it please don't let them it'll hurt I don't want it please-" The words come out as more of a gasp. She heaves at the end, coughs so harshly that she's dry gagging against his shoulder.
"Whoa, hey, it's okay," he murmurs. He rests his chin on top of her head and starts to rub her back, presses a kiss against her hair. "Awsie's here, love, I'm here. I'm not gonna let them do anything to you that you're not ready for, alright?"
"Awsten, can I talk to you in the hall?"
"I'll be right back, okay?" He starts the flood of sweet nothings against Lily's body as soon as her doctor finishes speaking. She's shaking her head and saying no over and over, squeezing her eyes shut and crying loudly. "I promise, they're not going to do anything-" He pauses to look pointedly up at the nurse, who nods and sets the syringe down. "Until I get back. No one's going to touch you love, I promise. I'm gonna go talk to the doctor. I'll be right back."
"What the hell are you doing?" The words come out as a growl. His chest aches. He can still hear Lily crying in the other room. Every sound feels like another slice at the fragments of his chest cavity, another hole poked into Lily's piece of his heart. The world was just set on the fire, but he doesn't know where the source is. He doesn't know where it's coming from and he doesn't know how to stop it. "I haven't seen her that upset in years. She's fuckin' terrified."
"Awsten."
He stops.
The anger, the white-hot walls building themselves up in his chest, stop. Everything feels like it's falling, like he's plummeting back to Earth with that single word. "H-her- the ultrasound," he whispers. "What did it say?"
"There's something wrong with her kidneys. We need to do some more tests to confirm – that's what we're taking her blood for – but it's very possible she might be in kidney failure, kiddo."
"I'll do it." He doesn't register the words until he's saying them. His heart is racing. The world is spinning away, a tiny dot, a blip on his radar. He's somewhere else, in a different existence, and everything is screeching to a halt. "I'm a match."
"We haven't confirmed she needs a kidney yet," the man says. "And kid, I hate to break it to you, but...if she does, you can't donate. You're getting chemo, remember? Your immune system's already compromised beyond belief. No one in their right mind would let you do a transplant right now."
He stops.
...
September 25th, 2017 – 8:28 PM
"How're you holdin' up?"
He swallows at the voice, doesn't move to lift his head or turn toward the door. "What're you doin' here?"
"I heard." There's rustling. He hears a jacket unzip, and then hears it fall to the ground. "About everything. I talked to Geoff. Aws, I'm so-"
"Save it." He bites the words, but it feels like the pocket of tears is pressing harder against his skull. His throat is closed. Speaking feels like razor blades cutting up his vocal chords, like there's a wheel of knives shredding them to pieces. The ache lodged between skin and skull stays, pounds and presses in until keeping his eyes open starts to hurt. "I don't wanna do this right now."
"You can't keep it locked up. You suck at that. We both know it."
"I can't do this." He grounds the last two words out and lifts his head to glare at Jawn. "Don't you get it? I can't talk about it. I can't think about it. I can't do it."
"Not talking about it isn't gonna make it hurt any less," Jawn says. "But at least lemme give you a hug first. You scared me, you fuckin' asshole."
"It wasn't a damn picnic for me either, thanks," he mutters. Jawn moves toward him and he lets it happen, feels the arms around him and leans up and into the hold. He buries his face in Jawn's chest and exhales, feels the lump in his throat start to throb and tries to bite back the sob.
"It's gonna be okay." Jawn rubs his back and he leans into it. The ache feels too big. Too much. It's forcing itself against his skull in a pocket of pain that feels too heavy. It all feels too heavy.
He wants to sleep. He doesn't want to do this anymore.
He wants to sleep.
He doesn't want to be here anymore.
...
"You're not gonna talk to Geoff about this. So it's either me, or I'm going to your doctor and telling him you need a damn therapist."
"You wouldn't."
"I fucking would," he shoots back. The words feel hot, leaving his chest. His hands are shaking. Everything is tooredtoohottoored- "I can't just sit here and watch you destroy yourself."
Awsten laughs. It's a different kinda of laugh. It sounds choked. His voice is slightly raspy. It sounds like poison, like the sound has injected it into the air and it's starting to diffuse across the whole room. "Destroy myself? You think I'm doing this?"
"Awsten..." The marks beneath his eyes have deepened. They're a darker shade of purple, deep enough to reach the tops of his cheeks. He looks paler. Jawn knows he's already had a chemo infusion – they fuck with him really bad, remember? He doesn't look very good. But it's helping. It's supposed to help – but he didn't think it would happen this fast.
He's pale. He looks sick. It's like the cancer patients you see in the movies, sunken in eyes and sallow skin, pale and weak and sickly.
"How the fuck am I supposed ta get better when my life won't?"
A silence falls over the room. It's sticky. It feels like a blanket that has stingers attached to it, pressing into his skin and burning. He doesn't know what to say. There's nothing left to say.
He's never known what to say. He remembers being ten years old, watching Geoff hold a cloth to Awsten's forehead while trying to figure out what words yelled into his mom's answering machine would make her pick up. He remembers getting into bed with Awsten and curling around him, please, J, I'm so cold please hold me it hurts so bad, trying to keep the liquid out of his eyes so Awsten could spill freely. But most of all, he remembers the late nights, staying up till 3am even though exhaustion tugged at his bones because Awsten couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep and I'm so tired, Jawn. I'm so fucking tired of pretending it'll be okay because bad things keep happening and I don't want to do this anymore.
He remembers going home, laying awake for hours into the night and staring at his ceiling, please, anyone, if you're up there, please just...turn his luck around. Give him some good. He doesn't need anymore bad things to happen. Make his life good, please, give me all the bad stuff if you want, but he's been through enough.
I don't know if he'll survive another bad thing.
(I think he'll actually do it.)
Awsten has depression.
He was diagnosed when he was 14; right after they got the news that his cancer had gotten worse. Right after weeks of lying in bed that progressed to months of wishing he was dead. It was like life had sucked the color out of him. He was a wrung-out rag of empty promises and false hope.
He tried to kill himself when he was fifteen, stole one of the scalpels from a tray in the ER and went to town – nothing is getting better and it's too hard. I'm sorry. He ended up in therapy for six months, on a slew of medication to combat the cocktail of emotion wreaking havoc on his brain.
Awsten has depression and it's gotten a lot better in the past few years, calmed the tides as the trials in his life started to diminish. Things have been getting better. His promises were holding true – I told you it'd happen, didn't I? I don't break promises; he was finally starting to look like less of a dick as the universe clicked into place for the first time.
"Did they tell you anything else?"
"She needs a kidney." Awsten's voice is flat. "I can't donate. I'm a match. But I can't donate."
"How do you-"
"I know her damn blood type." It's a snap now. He bites the words. There's a hint of rasp; a hint of a sob that's poking its way through the surface, about to escape. "Geoff can't keep a fucking secret to save his life."
"She'll be okay," he says. His heart is racing. Not another bad thing he doesn't need this he can't do this right now why the fuck are you doing this why are you doing this to him what the hell did he do to deserve it- "They'll put her on a list, or something, right?"
"So she can die waiting?" Awsten is quiet for a few moments. He squeezes his eyes shut, shakes his head and bites his lip. "I just- I thought this was over. I thought I was done with it. I thought it was- I thought I was finally getting better..."
"Awsten..." He sighs out the word, feels the tug and burn in his chest. It's like that single utterance set everything on fire and now it's smoldering.
"Some days I still wish I was dead," Awsten mutters. "And it's not fair that obligation is the only thing holding me back from that."
"You're not doing that again." He stands, takes the couple steps over to Awsten's bedside and reaches for one of his hands. "Okay? I need you to promise me. You are not trying again."
"I don't want Geoff to have to explain it to them," Awsten mumbles. "They...I can't do that to them."
"You can't do that to yourself, either," he says. "You deserve to want that. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live." His chest feels like it's being torn open. Slashed apart. The words are taking a knife through the structure he's been trying to rebuild for months. Everything is on fire and everything is broken and it's all so bad why is it so bad why does his life have to suck this much why do bad things keep happening to him-
"Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it anymore." Awsten's voice sounds different. He doesn't sound sad or angry or frustrated. The words are out there but they're different.
It's the voice of someone who's been sad too many times.
"I'll let you get some sleep, okay?" The words tumble out in a rush. His hands are shaking. His lip is quivering. The world looks blurry. Everything is starting to fog over. He reaches out and rubs his fingers down the side of Awsten's face, cups his cheek and leans down to kiss his forehead. "And I promise I'll come back tomorrow, 'cause we're not done talking about this. But it's late. You need your rest. You'll feel better in the morning, I promise."
"I'll still be dying."
...
September 25th, 2017 – 10:06 PM
"Sunshine? Hey love, you awake?"
Check on him. He's not in a good place. I don't think he should be alone right now. I...you gotta get him talking, Geoff. He's locking too much up and we- Jawn's voice caught there. The sob tore its way out without warning. I'm scared he might try again.
His shift just ended. It's not uncommon for him to stay, change out of his scrubs and make his way back to Awsten's room to check on him one last time. He spends a lot of time in this hospital outside what he's meant to; you're not okay and I'm not leaving you like this. If they let me stay, I'm here.
Awsten's parents don't. They fund his private room and make sure he has the best of the best, write a check every time someone calls their house in place of actually coming to the hospital to spend time with their son. Geoff knows the nights, curling around Awsten and trying to get his mom on the phone, why don't they care about me? What did I do wrong? He knows his heart breaking, feeling the bomb detonate and the pieces fly everywhere, a reminder of the life he couldn't fix. He couldn't fix it he couldn't do it he couldn't-
"Hey." He forces his voice to stay steady and drops to his knees to get on Awsten's eye level, reaches forward to brush his hands through Awsten's hair. "How're you feeling?"
"Didn't Jawn tell you?" He bites his lip at Awsten's voice. It's not loud or soft or happy or sad or scared or confident or anything. It's one level, one tone, one emotion. It's nothing.
"He's just worried, angel," he sighs. "I am too. We all are. You've had better days."
"Don't."
"Aws-"
"You don't have to be here," Awsten mutters. "You can go. I don't need another person to disappoint."
It feels like a bullet. It probably would've hut less, had Awsten pulled out a gun and shot him straight in the heart. It's a pain that encompasses, stretches out over everything and throws a blanket over it all. It's entrenching. Capturing. It feels white-hot at first, and then dies to a low buzz that's prominent enough to hurt, all the time.
"Listen to me." He stops himself, has to rein everything back in to keep from word vomiting everywhere. Breathe. It's gonna be okay. Breathe. "I'm your boyfriend, not your dad. I don't have some bullshit expectations you're letting down. I love you. I just want you to be happy, okay? I want you to feel better and be happy because you deserve it. I hate seeing you like this, sunshine."
"Why do you keep calling me that?"
"What, sunshine?" He swallows. He isn't sure how they got here. He doesn't know how they ended on this. Sunshine is- Awsten is sunshine. When he looks up at the blinding light, feels it rouse him every morning and blinks up at the rays through his window, when he feels the warmth against his back and the soft breeze against his chest...Awsten is sunshine.
"M'the furthest fuckin' thing from sunshine." Awsten bites his lip. He's staring at a spot on the wall, not really even looking at it. It's almost like he's staring right through it, like the x-rays have moved to his eyes.
"My love," he murmurs. He grabs one of Awsten's hands and brings it up to his lips. "You light up every room you walk into. You smile and laugh and tell stories, you expose your heart to the world even after it's been broken. You read to Jacob when he has nightmares and go with Nia to her scans and hold Lil all night if it makes her feel better about blood tests. You take Matty on adventures so he doesn't get bored – and so the other nurses and I don't rip our hair out – and you're so good with Rosie. She loves you. She attaches herself to you for a reason, y'know? You're teaching Toby guitar. And Georgia...what you've done with her and songwriting and helping her to become more confident in talking about her feelings...the other nurses and I talk about it all the time." He pauses. The lump in his throat is throbbing. "She may not be here if you hadn't done that. And after I've had a hard day-" He leans down and kisses Awsten's forehead. "You are where I want to go. You make them easier. You hold me and let me vent and make me feel like my problems are real, even when you're dealing with so much worse." He stares at Awsten through glassy eyes, takes his other hand and smiles. "You are the embodiment of sunshine."
He tilts his head forward and pecks Awsten's lips. Awsten wraps an arm around his neck as he kisses back. They stay there. His knees are bent in a very uncomfortable position and everything is burning, but they stay there. It's silent for a long time.
"I'm so scared she's gonna die."
The words hang in the air for a moment. He opens his mouth, knows he has to say something even though he doesn't know what to say; he needs to hear something, you idiot. Say something. Awsten beats him to it, "and if she goes, I go."
"Whoa, no," He breathes. He braces one hand against the mattress and pushes up, hooks his leg around Awsten and slides in behind him to straddle his body. He winds his arms around Awsten's waist and pulls him in, presses his lips against the top of his head and leaves them there. "We are so far from that, okay? I talked to Briars today. She is so far from that. And you are never doing that again. No matter what."
"I can't do it," Awsten says faintly. "I don't know how to live in a world she isn't."
"For her," he replies. He looks down at the mattress and reaches for Awsten's hand, laces their fingers together and squeezes. "You live, for her. Live the life she wouldn't be able to. You smile and you laugh and you love and you live. You beat this stupid fuck up of cells and get outta here and we go find a nice apartment in the city where you can look out over the buildings and we can go to art galleries on the weekends and walk around downtown and have people over for brunch." He moves his lips to the shell of Awsten's ear and starts to stroke his hair as he continues, "and you can find an amazing producer to sign you so you can sing your songs everywhere. Live for that, my love. If, god forbid, anything happened to her, she would want this. For you to live and love and laugh and let things get better. She'll be watching and she'll be so proud."
...
September 27th, 2017 – 3:31 PM
"Nurse W?"
He feels a tug at the hem of his scrub shirt and pauses to look down. "Yeah, love? What's up?"
"Why'd Awsie leave again?" The seven year old's voice is slightly higher than usual, lacking the hint of whine she usually has in favor of what sounds like genuine curiosity.
He sighs. Awsten hasn't gotten out of bed since that night. The kids haven't seen him in a couple days. Jawn came back, sat with him for a few hours and tried to coax some words out, he didn't say like, anything, dude. One word or a fuckin' head nod. I'm really worried about him.
He's okay most days. He deals with things as they come, processes the pain as it permeates, lets it seep in steadily rather than absorbing everything all at once. It's a tidal wave of false hope and empty promises that encompass him on the worst days. Geoff knows those.
He knows check-ups turned to suicide watches, curling around Awsten while still in his scrubs – don't you have work to do? scans to run? Patients that don't wanna off themselves to check on?
You're all I care about right now, love. I can't function if I don't know you're okay.
You've been functioning fine until now.
"Is Awsie okay?" He blinks rapidly to refocus his vision, and swallows against the newly formed lump in his throat as he takes a breath. The ache is back. Everything feels thicker in a way that makes the room start to blur. It's going fuzzy at its edges. He swallows.
"Yeah, sweetheart." He holds out a hand for her to put hers in. "Do you remember what we talked about a while ago?"
"Sometimes he has sad days," Nia says quietly. She's staring down his lap. "Where he doesn't want to get of bed."
"Right," he replies. The word feels thick. It's like the room has been filled with molasses, like they're swimming and wading and trying to break through the sticky mess that just keeps on coming. It feels too thick. Too heavy. Too much. "He'll feel better soon love, I promise."
"I wanna go."
"Hm?"
"I wanna go see Awsie," Nia repeats. "I wanna make him happy."
"Nia, love..." He bites his lip. It's a good idea. It bottles itself up and shoves into his heart, presses into one of the holes Awsten's created and starts to close it. It's warm. It might work.
Or, Awsten might say something so morbidly dark and give her permanent anxiety of whether each new day might be the day he actually does it.
"I wanna go," Nia insists, louder this time. "He needs me."
"Are you-"
"Please, Nurse W." Nia pokes out her bottom lip and widens her eyes.
"I wanna go."
...
He doesn't have the best track record with Septembers.
Maybe it's because that's when everyone from school goes back or the world starts to turn chilly and windy, maybe it's the reminder that you're never gonna be normal. This? This is your life. You're never gonna have something different. You'll never be like them. You'll never be like them.
You'll never be like them.
Maybe it's the reality that these four white walls are all he'll ever be.
He can't cry anymore. It feels like he's used up everything in his tear ducts, like they're scraping against the insides of themselves and scrambling for more water to let out. It hurts. All of it hurts. It's a pain that stays, sets the tendrils making up his chest ablaze; burns through the short phrase of this will pass. It's not forever. You'll get better, and sparks all over again.
September isn't good to him. It never has been.
This year hasn't been good to him. There was a spike and now it's falling all over again and Lily could die and he could die and everything's falling apart it's all gone to shit so quickly he was so happy what the fuck happened how the fuck did this become his life he was so happy he was going back to school he was supposed to be a normal one with everyone else how did this happen how did this happen how-
How the fuck did this happen-
He doesn't think because he can't breathe. He doesn't let himself. He ruminates and cultivates more anxiety, more dampness down his back and slickness on his hands and churning in his stomach, more hotcoldhotcan'tmovecan'tspeakcan'tbreathe, more tooheavytoohardtoomuch, until everything comes out all at once and he's left an empty shell of the promises he once was.
September isn't good to him.
"Awsie?"
He freezes.
Everything seems to stop. It's like someone hit pause on the world and play right after. It jars. Whatever he has in his stomach – bile and stomach acid grossgrossgross – is about to eject upward. He can feel it. It's too much. It's all too much.
This can't be happening.
Please no not her please why is this happening please I can't do this I can't deal with this pleasepleaseplease-
He feels the arm thrown across his side and the weight against his back. The arm span is tiny, but a tiny limb still snakes between his body and the mattress, wraps around him and squeezes tight. "I'm sorry you're sad."
"Nia," he chokes out. He didn't realize he was crying until the sob slipped, until that one word broke the barrier and sent the floodgates rushing. "Wha- I- you-"
"I wanna make you happy," Nia says softly. "But Nurse W said sometimes that doesn't happen. So I wanna be here. I hate being sad alone. I think everyone does. I don't want you to be sad alone."
He forces himself to swallow, twists around and flops onto his other side so he can meet her eyes. She's smiling at him, hair pinned back, eyes shiny. He knows his are red. Everything's red. Redwhitehotredwhitehotredwhite-
"Your hair is really pretty," Nia continues. "It looks like the smurfs! When you're better we'll watch the movies, okay? I have my own smurf, I'm so lucky..." She reaches up and starts to tangle her fingers through his- no.
Please no not now please nononononono-
"I thought- I thought something was wrong." He can hear the tears in her voice. She's holding a blue strand in her hands. They're shaking. Everything is shaking. Nothing feels real. He wants to go away why is this happening fuckfuckfuck- "B-but," she whispers. "It's gonna be okay, y'know? You're gonna fight. Beat this again. I know you will. 'Cause heroes always win, right? You're gonna win."
"Yeah," he chokes out. Reaching forward, he pulls her into his chest and squeezes, buries his nose in her hair and closes his eyes. "I'm gonna win. I'm gonna beat this, I promise. I'm gonna be here with you and we'll watch all the Smurf movies and eat all the blue ice cream and it'll be so good, okay? It'll be so good."
He sobs into her hair and clutches her even tighter against him. This is about the time she'd be whining, giggling, Awsie, you're holding me too tight!
She doesn't.
She stays.
He stays.
It'll be so good.
...
October 15th, 2017 – 10:56 AM
"Shhh, Lil. It's gonna be okay, love. Just keep breathing for me, that's it, you're doing so good."
"H-hurts, Awsie." The words come out in a gasp. She hiccups against his chest and chokes out another sob, one that seems to bubble up her throat and spurt out messily. "Hurts s-so bad..."
He sighs, squeezes her tighter and presses his hand firmer into her back. "I know, sweetheart. I know. It'll get better soon, I promise."
Kidney failure isn't the prettiest. She's at the top of the donor list, but her condition is deteriorating in front of their very eyes. She's been put on dialysis and a bunch of new medications to combat the symptoms and make her more comfortable, but the only thing that will actually help her pain is a new kidney. She needs one. She needs a transplant in the next couple weeks or she won't survive.
The past (almost) three weeks have been the worst of his life. He knows that for a fact, knows that nights spent staring at the ceiling, red eyes and aches in his chest, feeling like everything had been torn through and smashed with a wrecking ball, like the precious tendrils making up his ribcage had been broken down too many times and the strength to rebuild was too much.
This feels worse than that, like someone's gone in and torn through his chest like it was made of paper, torn the pieces into fragments that are scattering everywhere and falling, crashing, down to the bottom of his chest cavity. Every piece is a new sting, a new dig that sparks and burns and turns the whole world white-hot while he tries to catch his breath.
He's drowning, all of the time. It's too hard and too heavy and too much he's choking on mouthfuls of water every time he tries to swim he has no strength left to pull from within it's all such a mess of chemo and dialysis and tears is Lily okay she has to be okay what's going on with her no fuck I have to be there you don't understand she's scared she needs me-
You're having chemotherapy she needs me these are chemicals attacking your cells she needs me you need to take care of yourself she needs me-
He's had one more chemo infusion in the time, one that wasn't any better than the first. He puked and cried and pulled Geoff off the nurses' schedule for another three days, hid face in chest and forced himself not to come out until he could be an actual human being and not a saggy lump of flesh that couldn't stop complaining.
His feelings were like a painting and the canvas was already full.
And now everything is grey and the world is dull.
He doesn't know what to do anymore. He doesn't know where to go from here. It's just make it to tomorrow get through today live to see tomorrow it's not a life. It's nothing. It's an existence without a purpose. He's a presence with a ghost of a personality. Reality is heartbreaking when fantasy rips off the cloak.
"Awsie..."
He doesn't know what to do anymore.
He doesn't know how to help. He can't fix this. He'd rather die than sit here and watch her cry for another second. It's too heavy. It's a weight that slams down on his shoulders, like her prognosis has placed another thousand tons on his back and he's flailing under the unexpected attack. He doesn't know what to do he can't do anything he doesn't know what to do he can't do anything he doesn't know what to do he can't do anything-
He can't do anything-
"Whoa, Lil, don't touch that." He blinks back into focus just in time to catch Lily reaching for her cannula. He takes both her hands in his and brings his other hand around to cover them. "That's gotta stay in, alright love? I know it's annoying, but you need it."
"Hurts," she fusses. She's teary and frustrated; it's been a long day and it's about to be an even longer night. It's hard to sleep when you're in pain all the time and he knows it won't be letting up any soon. None of it will be letting up any soon. He has cancer and one of her kidneys is failing and there's nothing either of them can do about it.
These are their lives.
This is his life.
He'll live and die here, thrive and cry in the place that was never supposed to be home but now is. His cancer's back and one of her kidneys is failing and nothing ever goes right for him why the fuck does everyone get to tell me to have hope when everything is bad all the time why don't they realize that having hope makes it worse when things go bad why doesn't anyone get it why are they all so stupid-
It's too much. It's too much for him to handle, too much for any human being to handle. There's too much pain and too much heartbreak and too much loss it was getting better it was supposed to get better what the fuck happened how did he end up back here how did this become his life again-
He can't stay and he can't leave. They need him but he doesn't need the world anymore. It's hurt him too many times. He's given second, third, fourth, fifth chances and been disappointed by every single one of the answers.
He's not living but he can't die and the limbo is frying. He's rotting here. He's rotting inside. It's too much. It's all too much.
"Aws?"
He blinks a few times and looks up, then closes his eyes and shakes his head, tightens his arms around Lily and lets his head tilt back a bit.
It's not just Geoff.
Lily's doctor is standing behind him.
He can't do this again.
No more bad news.
Not one more thing.
He can't.
"Don't," he forces out. "Please, whatever it is, I don't wanna hear it. I can't take 'nymore of this, please."
"Aws-"
"Everything hurts," he says. "All the time. Everything is so bad and it's all so much and I can't do anything I can never do anything and I'm so fucking sick of feeling useless so please-" He pauses, clenches his teeth to keep the sob back in. "Nothing else. I can't do it."
"Awsten-"
"I can't," he insists. "Please."
"Sunshine, will you just shut up and listen?"
"Why don't you get it?" He snaps. "I don't wanna hear about how she needs more dialysis or that you moved my chemo up or someone else has something wrong with them. I don't wanna hear more about this damn hospital because I know I'm gonna be stuck here until the end of time. I don't wanna-"
Geoff takes a step forward. He's smiling. Briars is smiling. They're both smiling why are they smiling what the fuck- "Our sister hospital called ten minutes ago. They had an MVC. Brain dead on arrival. And-"
"You..."
"We have a donor."
...
Reality will break your heart.
Survival will not be the hardest part.
#waterparks#waterparks fanfiction#awsten knight#geoff wigington#gawsten#gawsten fanfiction#im#i can't believe it's over#im crying so hard#please be nice about this this has been my entire life for the past two months#neha writes#cancer fic
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