#If I cut out all of their first and middle names I'm sure I'd be fine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

barcaracing · 1 year

Text

you’re wearing his kit | pg8

summary: pedri and y/n go public with their relationship and it doesn't take long before the media digs up her past with another barcelona player whose name happens to be on the back of her kit in one photo

pairing: pedri x reader ft. platonic!gavi

warnings: angst, a bit of fluff first

a/n: what's uppppp!! i'm back from the dead to say that i've been obsessed with pedri lately, so here's me contributing to a better society. enjoy! and to anyone who's also in the middle of exams, good luck soldier <3

*******

"This is scary." Pedri shoots you a sideways glance. You nod, not daring to take your eyes off the phone in front of you even though the screen is still black. You sit in silence for another five minutes before footsteps come banging down the stairs. They halt abruptly at the doorway, then shuffle into the living room.

"Guys?" Fer stops behind the couch.

You hum at the same time that Pedri grunts. Like a caveman. You shoot him a funny look that goes unnoticed as his eyes remain glued to the coffee table.

Fer's head pops in between the two of you. "Not to interrupt...whatever you're doing, but why are you staring at my phone? It's not even turned on."

Pedri's head snaps to his brother. "What?"

You sit up and look at him as well. "What do you mean it's not turned on?"

Fer reaches over to grab his phone, clicking the side button several times. "It's dead. I need to charge it."

Feeling like someone just poked a hole into your chest, you deflate against the back of the couch, your head falling onto Pedri's shoulder with a breathy laughter. "So we've been staring at nothing the last 20 minutes?" You ask and Fer snorts, flinging himself into the single armchair on your left to look for a charger.

"Yes," he says, plucking the cable into his phone. "You weirdos."

Pedri's shoulder shakes with laughter. He runs a hand through his hair and lets his arm fall behind your back to pull you further into his side. "This is already getting over our heads."

"You think so?" You deadpan and let out a giggle when he nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck.

"Maybe we should just cut off all electronics for the next couple of days," Pedri mumbles into your skin and you have a feeling he's just thinking out loud. "It's only been half an hour and I'm so stressed, I thought I was going to lose all my hair."

Mortified, you look up and give his hair an experimental tug. You tug once more, but Pedri quickly wraps his hand your wrist and kisses your pulse, making you narrow your eyes at him. "Don't you dare go bald on me right after we announced to the world that we're dating. It'd look bad on me if I left you because of your shiny scalp."

Pedri moves back and raises his brows at you. "You would break up with me if I lost my hair?"

"Yes," you say without an ounce of shame. Fer lets out a snort.

"Why?" Pedri sputters. "I'd still look the same. My face wouldn't change. Honestly, I could look great bald."

You scoff although the corners of your mouth tug up. "Are you telling me you want to go bald?"

Pedri falters for a split second, but he nods. "To prove a point? Of course."

You regard him for a moment, searching his eyes for any signs that he will back down. You're not surprised to find none. He never backs down. Finally, you shrug. "Fine."

Fer perks up. "Wait, what?"

Pedri is still looking at you with absolute confidence, his gaze flickering between your eyes. A sly smirk slowly sweeps over his lips. "You sure about that, princesa?" He moves closer until you can feel his breath on your face and his voice drops. "I know how much you love holding onto it when you're—"

A pillow hits the side of his head.

"Okay!" says Fer loudly, flinging his arms around as if to swat away the rising tension. Pedri has the audacity to laugh after taking one glance at your flustered face. You smack his face with the pillow before tossing it back at his brother. He only laughs harder.

"Gross. Actually vile," Fer mumbles, glaring at the two of you before resuming to his phone. He freezes and his thumb hovers over his screen, mid-scroll.

"What's wrong?" Pedri asks, concern pushing off the laughter in his voice. "Fer?"

"I—" His brother looks up, gaze flickering to you before his fingers rapidly fly across the keyboard of his phone. Your spine straightens.

"Fer?" You can't help but sound alarmed as well. He keeps muttering to himself and the only thing you can make out are 'can't be' and 'she wouldn't.' You really need to know what's going on.

Pedri slides forward, hand settling on your knee before he kicks Fer lightly in the leg. "Hermano, what's wrong?"

You watch in high anticipation as his eyes scan the screen and it takes everything in you not to urge him to just say it. Are people saying horrible stuff online? Was it a bad idea to go public? If this is a mistake, there's no going back. You feel your heart pounding against your ribcage and Pedri notices because, of course, he does. He squeezes your leg and you send him a small smile.

His warm gaze calms you but there's wariness pulling at his eyes, so you press a gentle kiss to his shoulder. His smile grows and he pecks your cheek before looking back over to his brother, about to speak only to be cut off by the familiar ringtone slicing through the thick tension of the room. The volume makes you jump and you move to stand up, but Pedri swiftly kisses to the top of your head, telling you that he'll get it before hauling himself over the back of the couch to answer the call.

You know that both of you turned off all notifications before you made the post on Instagram, only allowing calls from close friends and family to come through.

"Gavi?" Pedri's voice drifts from the kitchen and Fer inhales sharply. You furrow your brows. His eyes find yours and you want to ask him what’s wrong, but his face is carefully devoid of emotions. His gaze feels accusatory and it honestly freaks you out.

"Fer?" You say cautiously, fingers fiddling in your lap. "What happened?"

Before he could reply, Pedri reenters the room. His voice rises as he responds to the person on the other end. He ignores your questioning look and stops in front of his brother, jabbing out his hand impatiently. Fer immediately drops his phone into his palm and your confusion multiplies as you watch your boyfriend's eyebrows draw together, chest rising. Gavi's voice can be heard faintly through the phone that is still pressed to his ear and you only realise now that it's yours. You forgot you have the same ringtone.

"Mhm," says Pedri absently while scrolling through Fer's phone, "okay, yeah." You get the impression that he's not paying attention to whatever Pablo is saying and now you're pissed because you're pretty sure you're going to die of curiosity or old age before anyone even bothers to tell you what's going on.

"I can see it—" Pedri snaps and instantly stops himself. He closes his eyes and bites his lip, his knuckles loosening around Fer's phone. "I know it's not…can you just—" He lets out a shaky breath and you can see him forcing the tension out of his shoulders.

"Look, I really don't want to hear your voice right now. So just- It's fine. No, it's fine. I know…yeah, bye," Pedri mumbles halfheartedly before tossing your phone onto your lap without sparing you much of a glance. You look down at your lock screen of Pedri and you sharing a cone of ice cream at the beach before the screen fades into black and your reflection stares back at you.

You look up at your boyfriend whose eyes are fixed on a spot on the armchair Fer is sitting on. Slowly, you stand up and step forward, hand reaching out to find Pedri's. Your fingertips grace his and that seems to shake him out of his thoughts. He moves his hand back and finally looks at you.

"Pedri?" Your voice is soft, mostly because you're afraid that speaking any louder might push him away. He looks so fragile right now. "Please tell me what's going on."

Without a word, he hands you Fer's phone. Letting your eyes linger on him a moment longer, you shift your gaze to the bold headline taking up half of the screen.

Scandal rocks FC Barcelona as New Girlfriend of Star Player Caught in Love Triangle! Shocking Photos Show Her Wearing Another Player's Kit at Games Before Going Public with Pedri!

"What?" Your eyes widen. The phone nearly slips out of your hands as you hastily scroll through the rest of the article, searching for the photos. You didn't, you thought. You would never! The photos are at the very bottom of the page and every second is absolute torture, but once the images load, your breath stutters. "What the hell?"

"Yeah," Fer scoffs and your head snaps up so fast, your neck twinges. "What the hell, Y/N?"

You make to speak but your gaze sweeps over your boyfriend who is simmering with resentment and sadness. You want to reach out, touch him, but you can tell it's gradually bleeding into anger. He's never been mad with you before. The only times you've seen him lose his temper was on the pitch. It doesn't take much to see that he's trying his absolute best to compose himself. You take a deep breath and muster a levelled gaze at his brother. "Fer, can you please give us a moment?"

"What?” He frowns. "No. Y/N, what were you thinking—"

"Out."

Fer’s mouth snaps shut as Pedri's voice cuts through the room.

"What?"

"Get out," Pedri grits through his teeth. Fer looks between you two before shaking his head with a sigh. He plucks his phone out of your hands and casts one last look at you. Once the door on the floor above clicks shut, you step in front of Pedri.

"I can explain."

He scoffs, eyes burning into yours for a brief second. Then, he's across the room as if he can't bear the thought of you near him. It stings. He keeps shaking his head and if you were in any other situation, you would've found it amusing how similar he was to his brother.

"Can you—" You watch him pace around, your patience dwindling. He keeps moving, looking anywhere but you, and it's driving you insane. Your chest tightens as you feel him work himself up, the situation slipping further and further from your fingers. "Pedro, can you just stop for one goddamn moment and let me explain."

Huffing, he finally comes to a halt on the other side of the coffee table and meets your eye. For an odd second, you feel thankful that the flimsy piece of furniture is separating you. As if it could do anything while the predator is flashing his bloody fangs. "Fine. Go on. What's the great explanation to this? Were you two dating and you just never thought to tell me?" Pedri bites out, speaking over you like you never even opened your mouth. "It's all too well then. I've found out with the rest of the world, didn't I? You know how much I love surprises. I'm flattered, really."

The sarcasm dripping off his words burn like acid and no matter how much you're shaking your head and trying to cut him off, he's not stopping until he draws blood. You know it's to match his own wound, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

"Gavi called you. Not me, his team mate and best friend. You. That's enough of an explanation, so I guess it's just all about the details now. Were you fucking Gavi before you got bored and decided I would have to do? Enlighten me, please."

Your mind is collapsing, failing to register the blunt ends of Pedri's words piercing through your skin. Tears burn in your eyes, but you are not going to cry. You won't. Not because of this.

"Where is this coming from?" You hate how hollow your voice sounds.

Pedri blinks at you. "You're not really asking me that. Do you think I don't know about the rumours? You and Gavi? How you liked him before we got together. Why it didn't work out between you, I have no idea because Gavi liked you too, you know. We used to listen to him talk about you in the dressing room before he finally introduced you to us as just his friend. And I made sure you were nothing else to him before I asked you out because he's my best friend and I didn't want to ruin anything."

"You didn't," you say, frowning. "We were never together. I've told you this before. Pablo was never my boyfriend. Nothing ever happened.”

Pedri shakes his head. "That doesn't change the fact that you had feelings for him and probably still do. You wanted to keep us a secret for months and now I see you having no problems wearing his name on your back, showing it off to the entire world before I even got to see you in my kit. My own girlfriend. Do you know how stupid I feel?"

You're not sure how it happened but Pedri is standing before you now, eyes shining bright with so much hurt. You know he won't back down. He never does. Struggling to breath, you take a step back. Your voice is thick when you speak. "This isn't fair."

"No," Pedri says, bitterly, stepping back as well. "It isn't." He exhales and looks to the side, eyebrows still drawn together. "I think you should go."

You stare at him. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you slowly nod. Fine. Sure. Whatever he wants. Who cares what you want. You feel so tired. Without a word, you grab your phone and head out the front door, letting it slam behind you.

Three days later, a girl slips Pedri her phone number and he tucks it into his pocket. The video goes viral and your phone doesn’t stop going off, so you turn it off completely. After all, the only person you actually wanted to talk to still hasn’t called.

A week later, Pedri is flying to Madrid to train with the national team and the only reason you know about it is the red circle glaring at you on your kitchen calendar. How did it all fall apart so fast?

************

i have no idea what happens next or if anyone’s interested in reading a second part but if u are, let me know how you’d want this to be resolved and end bc pedri said some mean stuff here and we don’t know what the reader did or didn’t do and i honestly just never plan these things lmao stay hydrated x

#pedri x you #pedri imagine #pedri gonzalez #pedri x reader #pedri x y/n #pedri #pedri angst #pedri fluff #pedri one shot #pedri fanfic #gavi #gavi imagine #gavi fanfic #pablo gavi #fc barca fanfic

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beelmons · 11 months

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Just want Luke Alvez to spell out his name with his tongue against me. I'm a simple woman, with simple needs. No hands, all mouth. my cunnilingus king

no cause this is what i call having taste !

i accidentally posted this without finishing and im going insane trying to speed write it skckwkckwkf DOMT LOOK UNDER READ MORE

Edit: Okay NOW you can look.

cw: oral sex fem receiving, fem!reader

Some people paid billions of dollars to reach space and experience the wonders of the universe, and yet, it only took a heavily underpaid FBI agent to get you to see stars.

Luke Alvez was not a man to eat women out, oh no, he was the one to straight up devour them. Like an avid critic ready to cater his next meal, he would time and again bury himself in between your legs; no further aid needed whatsoever, a dedicated mouth could take you to places you were sure mortals couldn't reach.

It made you suspicious, to be honest. How could a man be so good at pleasing a woman? The only way it made sense was if he had done it hundreds of times before, but taking his time while in deployment and current new schedule in consideration, he wouldn't only have to be dedicated to it, he would have had to straight up clone himself to take two women at a time on the little time he had to spare.

He could do it, to be fair, without the need of cloning himself, after all he had his charm. You don't just open your legs for anyone on the first date, let alone the first thirty minutes of meeting them. He was a witty gentleman, and not hard on the eye at all.

Soon you would find out that his sharp tongue wasn't only skillful on the streets. Something about the way he so passionately licked you thoroughly each time. Or how he moaned along everytime he hit a good spot. Or the weird combination of strokes he pulled at the end, the one that never failed to push you over the edge.

You had to find out what it was, because you were starting to think it was not human. And tonight, as your apartment was filled with lewd slurping sounds, you were set on finding it out.

One little problem, keeping your sanity as his tongue, somehow, reached your sweetest spots was no easy task. It took all of your energy and some holding back from straight up cumming into his mouth without warning. Your face was clenched in what seemed more like pain than pleasure. But your climax was reaching, you were so close, just as close as you were to figuring out what the hell he did at the end, so close, so close.

"Babe, are you alright?" he pulled away to ask.

"No!" you yelled in anger almost instinctively, and certainly without intention.

He was clearly taken aback by your reaction, and the second you noticed his clear confusion, you spoke up again.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." you said, reaching to have your hand land on his hair, not wanting him to be too far from your cunt "I was just so close."

"Sorry, you looked like you were in pain, so..." he tried to explain before you cut him off.

"I was focused." you clarified.

"Focused?" his brows furrowed "Listen, if you have to focus to cum... I'd rather you tell me what I'm doing wrong."

"No. What? Come on Luke, you can't be serious." you complained "I was focused on figuring out what the hell it is that you always do, that it makes my brain be reduced to a pulp!"

You certainly didn't mean it as a praise, but he still found a way to interpret it as such. He broke into a shy chuckle as he shook his head.

"I can tell you" he said "But you have to promise not to laugh."

"Why would I-" you were about to inquire, but he cut you off.

"I spell my name with my tongue." he finally admitted.

"You are kidding." your eyes opened in genuine surprise. It sounded so stupid right off the bat, even more so when you considered the possibility of being true.

Your free hand reached down to have your middle digit trail over your own clit, you were moist enough thanks to him, so nothing else was needed. You began making an experiment of your own.

L U K E A L-

Sure, it felt good, but nothing out of the ordinary.

"Not like that!" he quickly grabbed at your wrist to pull it away "It's not the same if you use fingers, and I'm afraid there is one more secret to it."

You were attentively looking at him talk, so you were able to see his face disappear between your legs. You thought after the break you wouldn't be so sensitive, but boy were you wrong. The second the tip of his tongue landed on your bundle of nerves again, your legs began to shake. Like no time had passed.

You tried your best to pay attention, you really did.

Luke Alvez

But you lost track after the 'K'.

Next thing you knew, you were dripping down in your own release, and he was doing his best to have nothing go to waste.

Your chest was raising up and down from the pants. Legs limb and tired against his shoulders. Once he was satisfied with the clean up, he raised his head yet again. His characteristic, slightly annoying, cheeky grin clear on his face.

"I do it in cursive."

#luke alvez #luke alvez x reader #luke alvez x reader smut #blurb: luke #blurb: smut #blurb: mine

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skelliko · 3 days

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Hello first time requesting

I was wondering if I can request reader x hanma were they have a toddler and hanma rough plays with him and overall hanma being a good father to the point that the reader is moved to tears as they see that since they never really saw how a loving father is supposed to look like so it’s like healing their inner child seeing their kid being genuinely loved by their father not just in name

(It’s to heal them daddy issues yes)

a/n: we're in this together cause me too. at first I didn't wanna write it since I've stated I wouldn't write about marriage or pregnancy but I'll let this dodge just cause I said so. (btw I did the kids gender as a boy cause you mentioned 'him' once, not sure if that was on purpose or not but i hope thats okay)

____

Hanma Shuji |-° a good father

it was scary getting married, afraid that it would turn south and become unhappy to the point where we'd turn down walls just to get our points across. afraid that cause of all our bickering he'd secretly go with another woman, become avoidant and distant but that hasn't happened, at all.

finding out I was pregnant was terrifying, afraid that I would fail as a mother of a sweet baby and id be the reason for his dreams and innocence being taken away. you don't need to be drastically smart to know that you eventually become your parents, everyone has some sort of element inside of them that resembles their care givers. so I was petrified that I'd turn out like my father, or maybe that I had married the wrong man to commit in having child with; just like my mother. generational trauma doesn't go easy on anyone, so my heart always shook and sank whenever i held my boy.

I try, I really do try a lot to make sure that what I went through won't ever happen to my- our kid and he'll grow up to be loved. but fear does still strike me since I'm yet to figure out how to be as a parent, Im aware that how I grew up wasn't right at all, but that doesn't mean that I know what good parenting looks like.

I've told hanma about my fear of parenting before we had agreed on having a kid, he didn't look at me weirdly, he didn't say anything negative, he didn't tell me that I shouldn't worry half assed as if it should be common sense to figure it out on the spot. instead, he told me not to worry sincerely, he meant every word he said, soothed me with warm words and some of his little jokes, and told me I have plenty of time to figure out if I want to be called 'mom' and that there was no reason to rush into things. so after a few days I've made up my mind and went on to discuss baby names as a hint that i want to keep it.

----

I hear small giggles in the other room, ones that belong to our child, a child that has the most gorgeous smile and has his father's eyes. his tiny baby hands have grown to be toddlers and he's still growing everyday.

I wiped my hands dry and clean on a towel in the kitchen from washing the vegetables that I was about to cut up and cook. I could have started right away with the cooking but I wanted to quickly see what's so amusing that got our boy all loud and humoured.

leaning against the door frame I saw our boy stood up on his little feet with his arms circling around in the air, Hanma was gently pinching his tummy with this thumb, pointer and middle finger making him ticklish and making 'pow' and 'wow' sounds. Hanma was smiling and laughing along as he'd change him movements to then annoy the kid by tapping him on his cheeks and nose, the boy would try and move hanma's hand away but despite his annoyance he was enjoying it and that just kept Hanma to keep playfuly annoy him.

is that something that fathers do? is that what they call rough play, or is this something else?

a main thing that also struck me in this moment was that hanma was smiling while playing with the boy. Im aware that parents can still smile but seeing his joyed expression instead of a bothered and annoyed look felt really refreshing.

for the past few years we've had our boy he's been nothing else than a good father, sure we've had a few off moments but there will always be short lasting moments where it feels like we're all sinking because of our own mistakes and flaws.

but over time Hanna has made me realize many things, about himself, myself, our boy and on an overall what it means to be a good parent. what considers to be good parenting is a very controversial topic for most but I'd say as long as the child is happy and isn't sat through abuse or neglect, that's more than enough.

my boy will have the childhood that I needed but couldn't have, Hanma is being the father that I needed but didn't have. our boy will be smiling all throughout. while im over here trying to keep in my angsty emotions, c'mon I'm better than this aren't I?

I put a hand over my mouth to stop my quivering lips but my teary eyes took that as a chance to spill over before I could wipe them away. looking away to avoid any attention but before I could go back to what I was doing before; Hanma called my name out and I felt his hands slide up my upper arm and turn me around. he saw me cry before I saw him notice.

"hey hey, what happened? talk to me" he said worryingly

looking at him briefly, I wanted to speak up but even I was unsure on what I was crying about, but then i looked at our boy for a few seconds and it only then clicked in. I shook my head gently before replying "no it's just- you're a good father. and I'm glad our boy will have you to look up to"

hanma immediately brought me into a tight hug but then chuckled a little, I felt the vibration of his laugh against his chest. whats so amusing? "and he has an amazing mother to look up to as well. I know how stressed you've been and I'm really proud of you for how far you've gotten"

♡---

#i hate writing about a sappy family #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #hanma shuji #shuji hanma #hanma x reader #hanma shuuji x reader #hanma shuuji x you #hanma shuji fluff #tokyo revengers fluff #tokyo revengers hanma

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heartsfourdazai · 6 months

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Whenever I see someones requests are open all of my ideas disseaper and my mind is all blank :/

Maybe bsd characters caught reader in a situation where it made them think reader is cheating but later understand it is just their fear and totally explainable situations with reader doesnt understand how different the situation can look like. Please be creative about them 😉 (Of course if you are comfortable with writing a concept like this and if you havent already) with chuuya, tecchou, jouno and whoever you want.

when they wonder if your cheating on them

chuuya, tecchou, jouno & dazai<3

warnings: lowercase writing, mention of sex in dazai's, dazai is kinda possesiver, ooc jouno!! unedited writing!!

F/N means friends name!!

a/n: REQUESTS ARE OPEN !!what kind of dazai love blog will i be if i DIDN'T write for dazai as well ☠ I'D BE A FRAUD!! AUAGAHHSA why does jouno's part make me cringe-

chuuya nakahara 🍷

"where we're you all night?"

the first question he asked you the moment you stepped foot into the apartment.

you didn't have time to take off your coat.

"out with the girls?"

you replied, tilting your head.

"i thought i told you.."

"if you did i wouldn't be asking, would i?"

"okay! okay- i'm sorry!-"

"you could have texted me!"

"i forgot to-"

"is that really all you got?"

"okay- what has gotten into you!!"

he paused.

you realized through out the week he's been on your tail. 'where have you been' 'how long are you going to be' 'who's going with you?' 'can i come?'

chuuya didn't even realize he was worrying so much about you.

"i was out for 2 hours!"

"then another 30mins!

"i just lost track of the time!"

"you told me two hours!"

"i know i did- but again, i lost track of time-"

"AGAIN you could've called!!"

his voiced raised slightly.

you stared at him, a annoyed look on your face.

"awh- what's with that look? why are you annoyed?"

"because i let you go out without pestering questions every minute when i get home! your not my parent, your my boyfriend!"

"are you sure about that?!" he cuts in...

"you know if anything we're to happen i would cal-" you pause...looking up at him slowly...

"what?"

chuuya realized what he said and rubs his face.

"awh- n-nothing!"

you cock an eyebrow..

"chuuya- what do you mean? something's wrong with you...you can talk to me, you know?"

"uhm..yeah."

he didn't sound confident at all.

you looked at his feet before letting out a loud sigh..

"is this because of F/N?"

F/N is your middle school friend. you two were like peas in a pod, nothing could separate..

well, maybe execpt for chuuya now him and you are dating.

F/N was so happy for you. finally you were able to snatch someone- someone rich and hot for that matter...but that's not all that you saw in chuuya- not at all.

he cared deeply for you, and he knows how much you and F/N are together...he sometimes feels...out of place.

like he's boyfriend...but also just a boyfriend.

chuuya stood in silence, looking anywhere but your eyes.

you knew you were correct, you didn't need his confirmanation.

you slowly made your way toward him...reaching your hands out to hold his.

"you don't have to worry about me and F/N, babe!" you laughed softly, kissing the back of his hands.

he slowly looked up at you, "i just...i don't want to lose you, okay?"

you smiled softly, kissing his lips as he gently cupped his cheeks.

your ginger-haired boyfriend immediatly melted into the kiss, holding your hands, finger interlocked.

moments later, you both parted. touching foreheads and smiling softly to one another.

"i promise..."

tecchou suehiro ⚔

he didn't have to even think to wonder.

however, here he is.

he doesn't really get upset with you, your his lover why would he get upset?

it was around 10pm at night, both him and you were comfy in your PJ's and sat on the couch of your living room.

you both were facing each other backs, his legs were dangling off the arm on the couch, and your back leaned against his own, your legs curled to your chest and phone close to your face.

your boyfriend kept over hearing your giggles from behind him. he tilts his head toward you and asked, "what's so funny, babe?"

you shook your head, covering your mouth.

"n-nothing!"

and soon after, you were giggling once again.

now, tecchou knew you. if something was so funny, you would 100% show him and laugh along with him, although he barely laughs...he still feels loved when you engage with him.

now, showing that you are not showing him what you are laughing at- he felt uneasy.

"but your laughing?"

"ihi swear- it's nothing! uhm- what movie do you want to watch?"

"i want to know what your laughing at?"

you sighed, "i'm serious, babe! it's just-"

"another person?"

you paused.

"what?"

it was quiet now.

"uhm. i'm sorry. i jumped to conclusions...i'm sorry."

you were silent as you nodded slowly, looking back at your phone and smiled softly.

you turned on your side and rested your head on his shoulder. holding your phone up.

"i was watching puppy videos!"

you pressed play on the youtube video, and the sigh of of puppies flashed on screen.

he chuckled to himself before feeling your hand on his thigh and you smiled up at him,

"i would never leave you babe, you know that?"

he didn't respond for a while, until a silent nod caused you to cuddled into his side.

he kissed your head, and apologized again.

"i love you!!" you sang, making duck lips. he laughed and kissed your lips, "i love you, too."

jouno saigiku 🌱

why would you do that?

do you have the guts to cheat on him?

you've shown how much you love him just by being loyal towards him. so when you didn't come back home until late at night, this is where his protective side comes around.

lucky you.

you entered your aparment as exactly 4: 53am. so it wasn't late- but early.

you had no idea if your boyfriend would be home because he mentioned something about having a really important mission as a hunting dog.

he also mentioned you shoudn't be out alone at night, after hearing about the ADA being terrorists and all that.

he just wants you to be safe.

as you locked the door and placed the keys on the dresser, you felt a figure stare you down in the dark.

you reacted quickly and flashed open your camera flashlight as was about to throw your umbrella until you noticed it was just...

"jouno?" you called out, noticing the figures looks.

there he was,, standing just feet away from you with his hunting dog gear on, however his hat was in his hands as his arms were crossed.

"you told me you would be home by 11..."

he could feel your heartbeat beat fast against your chest.

"i-i just lost track of the time-"

"it's 4am, Y/N."

no nicknames.

he's serious.

you knew he could read you like a book, there was no denying it.

"look- i was just out with F/N and their other friends!"

"and you went to the bar?"

he could smell the stench of alchoal on you.

"i had two shot glasses- barely any alchoal!"

"doesn't matter; you should have told them you were on a curfew!"

"are you serious right now?"

"you know i don't like it when you're out on your own this late in yokohama!"

"i'm not 5, jouno, i can look after myself. besides, i wasn't alone!"

"right, i'm sorry, you were at a bar with three other people who were just a drunk as the next guy?"

"it's not that big of a deal-"

"it is when your dead!"

"this isn't jsut about the ADA, is it?"

he paused/

"what do you mean?"

you didn't respond, he only felt you walk past him, his cape flowing with the wind you created.

"last time i was out late, i told you i was left alone with F/N's boyfriend. and then you kept asking me questions about "him". and this none question stood out to him, "what did he do to you when you and him were alone."

jouno stayed quiet, letting you speak.

"did you think i was cheating on you?"

it was silent. the only sound was the sound of your heartbeat and breathing.

"i'm just...worried about you."

you sighed and he felt you ove closer to him.

your hands touched his shoulder and you leaned up to kiss his forehead.

"i would never cheat on you..."

he's heard that before.

"i find that hard to believe when you come home hours later."

"it was just a one-time thing, hun...i just fell asleep a F/N's place after the others left an forgot to text you, thats all!"

he gave you a sincere look with his facial features, and kissed your lips.

"i'm sorry if i overreacted.."

you laughed, "don't worry about it...i should have told you...i love you~"

he smiled, "love you more~"

dazai osamu 🩹

it's not like he doesn't care-

he just knows you love and him and will never cheat on you.

would you?

when his suspicions about this becomes more larger, he now gets extra clingly with you.

holding you close while sleeping.

walking to work with you.

holding your hand when crossing streets.

asking where your going with your friends so he knows your location-

okay, wait- what?

see, to him that's normal.

but to you-

you noticed this far to quickly but never had the courage to ask him about it to him because it would flash you the brightest smile, gaslighting you that everything's okay.

he has a smal secret.

he kissed you passionally on the lips a couple days ago, and as you melted into it he opened his eyes and noticed your phone on the bed facing upwards.

he saw a new message by someone that goes by the name, "cody."

now that's a name he's never heard you speak about to him, and he's met all your friends.

he closed his eyes and pushed you back down on the bed.. yadayadayada...oh yay sex...ANYWAY.

days later, he started to get closer and clingly with you.

you couldn't find the time to ask him this question because he would always change the subject until he's ready tp speak to you about it.

it was a calm evening in your and dazai's apartment home.

both him and you ate dinner, took a shower together and now your both on your shared and wore comfy PJ's.

"are you going to pull another all-nighter?" you asked him as dazai leanes against the bedframe.

he shoke his head, "unless you are."

you hummed softly and leaned against his chest.

couple minutes of silence passed and you could just feel his heartbeat.

until...

he spoke..

"who's cody?"

you sat up and looked up at him, "what?"

he looked at you...

"is he another man?"

"dazai.."

he looked at you dead in the eye; "cody?"

"how do you know-"

"about cody?"

"thats not important...who is cody?"

"cody is..."

"another?"

"dazai, dont talk mad!"

dazai sat up

"dazai- that's my boss!"

he blinked...and relaxed..

"is he?"

"yes!" your eyes widened as you rubbed your face.

"oh?"

you laughed, "your serious, osamu?"

"look- you can't blame me!"

"yes i can, YOU LOOKED THROUGH MY PHONE AS WELL!!?"

"it was on the couch, come on!"

you just laughed, your anger just gone...well- a little bit of it.

dazai begged for you to znot be upset with him, and aplogized left and right.

until you finally forgave him by going on a date and buying anything you wanted

201 notes · View notes

brbsoulnomming · 8 months

Text

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies Part 19

-----

This time, it's Steve that wakes them up in the middle of the night.

Eddie's disoriented for a moment, unsure what jolted him awake, until he looks over and sees Steve laying on his back in the low light, tense and straining.

"Scoops Ahoy, I work for Scoops Ahoy!" Steve's shouting, the words rough like they're being ripped from his throat. "I already told you!"

Fuck.

"Steve?" Eddie asks, voice raspy from sleep. "Hey, Steve, come on, wake up."

Steve shouts again, jerking like he's struggling against something - or maybe like he's getting hit - and Eddie bolts upright, hands hovering over him.

Should he touch him? What if it makes things worse, what if -

"Steve," he says again, a little louder, as he risks pressing his hand to Steve's chest to shake him a little.

Steve's eyes fly open, and Eddie watches him do the same thing he'd done in the hospital when Dustin jolted him awake - reach one hand down under his bed and reach the other hand out in search of a bed partner.

Only this time, Steve's first hand comes up gripping a baseball bat with fucking nails hammered into it, and his other hand comes into contact with Eddie. There's a quick stab of worry that he's not going to be familiar enough to shake Steve out of it the way Dustin had, especially since Steve's eyes are still unfocused and distant as they land on Eddie.

He must be familiar to something in Steve, though, because he doesn't move after that, watching Eddie and breathing harshly.

"Robin," Steve says a little desperately. "They got her, too, we have to - Erica, Dustin, fuck, I gave them Dustin's name, we have to make sure-"

"Dustin's okay," Eddie manages to get out, all in a rush. "Robin got out, Erica and Dustin are okay."

The vague familiarity shifts into a firm recognition after Eddie speaks, and Steve's eyes focus a little more clearly on him.

"Eddie?" he asks, and Eddie can see Steve trying to sort himself out, to put things back into place. "Vecna. Max, Lucas, are they-"

"Safe," Eddie cuts in. "They're safe, Stevie, everyone's safe."

Steve's quiet for a moment, breathing slowly starting to even out, and then he shifts, eyes roaming over Eddie before settling on his face.

"You too?"

Eddie swallows. "Yeah, me too. I'm here, and we're all safe."

Steve tilts his head, face a little scrunched like he does when he's considering something, then he nods. "Okay."

He sets the bat back down, tucking it under his bed once more, then pushes himself up so he's sitting back against his headboard. Eddie joins him, feeling his own heartbeat start to slow.

"Wasn't sure that was going to work," Eddie admits.

Steve quirks a little smile. "You're my soulmate. You can't lie to me. If you say everyone's safe, then they're safe."

Oh.

"I, uh. Good, that's good, then."

Fuck, Eddie's bad at this.

Except it seems to work for Steve, who just sits there with him.

"Hey, I never asked - are you okay with hiding out here?" Steve says after a while.

Eddie tips his head to stare at him. "Does it look like I've got any other options?"

Steve's shoulders droop a little. "No, yeah, I know that, but - are you okay with it?"

"This is a hell of a lot nicer than the last place I was holed up in." Eddie gives a careless shrug, a little pleased that he can actually manage the motion without pain, now. "Plus, you know, it's got my soulmate, and room service, so I'm pretty good here."

Steve seems to accept that, because he gives an amused little huff and knocks their shoulders together.

"You're the one we need to be worried about, not me. If they find me, you should say I forced you to let me stay here," Eddie says, even though he's pretty sure he knows what Steve's response to that is going to be. "We don't have to tell anyone."

Steve snorts. "If they find you, the first thing I'd do is tell them you're my soulmate and you have every right to be here."

Eddie's breath catches. All right, no, he hadn't known what his response would be. He'd assumed that Steve wouldn't go along with pretending Eddie'd forced him into this, but he hadn't imagined that Steve would want to publicly announce their soulbond like that. "Steve," he whispers, not able to get anything else out.

Steve waits for him, though, the two of them sitting up in bed, not quite touching each other but still so damn close.

"Claim your soulmate rights, then," Eddie says after a while. "So they can't question you too."

"No," Steve replies without hesitation. "They're not going to get you for this, Eds. If I need to be there to show them that you're not lying, I will."

His heart immediately lodges itself right in his throat. "You don't want to do that."

"If they bring you in? Damn right I do. They can handcuff me right next to you."

Before all this, the mention of him and Steve and handcuffs on one or both of them might have got him thinking something very, very different. It's a testament to how much they've been through that his mind doesn't even go there.

Or, really, it's a testament to the fact that he can still feel Steve's heart beating rabbit fast under his palm, can still hear him screaming Scoops Ahoy, I work for Scoops Ahoy! that makes him immediately and viscerally opposed to the idea.

"Maybe I don't want you to." It comes out snappier than he'd meant it to, and he winces.

Steve watches him, head tilted just a little like he's waiting for something.

To see if Eddie's lying, he thinks.

When nothing comes, Steve nods to himself. "Too far?" he asks quietly.

Eddie considers that for a moment. "No," he admits, because he doesn't want to deflect and any other answer would be a lie. He shifts, until he can find the spot on Steve's ribs where he'd seen you know all I care about is you and your safety earlier, and rubs his thumb over it. "I don't want you to go through anything like that ever again, especially not for me."

Steve sucks in a breath, though Eddie doesn't think he can feel anything with his shirt in between their touch.

"Not fair," Steve murmurs. "I don't know where my response to you is."

Eddie swallows roughly. "Inside of my left thigh."

For a moment, as Steve shifts a little, he thinks he might actually reach for it - doesn't know what the fuck he's going to do if he does, because there's no way Eddie's going to be able to hide his reaction - but Steve just sighs.

"It's just the Hawkins PD," he says softly. "It'll be different."

He guesses he can't really protest that, even though he kind of wants to. Steve was the one who went through it, and if Steve says it'll be different, he needs to accept it, just - he still doesn't like it, doesn't like the idea of Steve having to put himself in that position just for Eddie. He doesn't say anything, just sits there with their only point of contact the hand on Steve's ribs that he can't bring himself to move away.

"You talked to me again." Steve's voice is quiet - they both know he did, so it's not about the words. It's a prompt, the same way Eddie took to prompting Steve when they were planning for Vecna.

"I was worried I was going to lose you," Eddie admits. "Me being mad at you for high school shit felt overwhelmingly stupid, in the face of that. I didn't want to risk that no one else knew you were lying about not being hurt worse."

Something complicated flickers through Steve's expression, and he tips his head down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Eddie sucks in a breath and lets it out, thinks about asking what is it - but he doesn't want to put Steve in a position where he has to lie or deflect if he doesn't want to say it. So he settles for, "Will you tell me?"

He can see Steve's throat working for a moment before he answers.

"I tried not to lie, when they asked me things," Steve says, so quiet Eddie can barely hear him. "I knew I had two soulmates by then, but I didn't know one was Robin, and I didn't - I didn't want the first real thing you guys got from me after so long to be that. Half truths are easy for me, anyway. But some things-"

He cuts off, head thumping back against the wall.

"Steve," Eddie says, slow and gentle. "Can I touch you more?"

Steve nods, and Eddie scoots closer so he can carefully pull Steve into a hug. Steve sinks into him, wrapping his arms around him without hesitation, and Eddie thinks fuck it, clinging on as tight as he can.

"You don't have to look at them," Eddie mumbles. "You won't ever have to see them if you don't want to. But I'm proud of those words on my skin, Stevie. They mean you survived, they mean my soulmate is a fucking badass."

The breath that Steve pulls in sounds ragged. "Robin said that, too. That every time she felt something getting written on her, she knew it meant I was still there. She helped me talk to you, after. I just - I wasn't sure it was you, or anyone in Hawkins, but I couldn't risk it. I was afraid they'd come after you."

Eddie's not sure what to say to that. He settles for burying his face into Steve's neck, and just breathing him in. They stay like that for a long while, until finally Steve hisses softly and starts to pull away.

"Can't hold my stomach muscles like that for so long yet," he says, and Eddie doesn't think he's imagining that Steve sounds reluctant.

"You wanna lay down?" Eddie asks before he's really thought it through.

It takes a little bit of shifting around to find a position that's comfortable for both of them. They end up on their backs, sides pressed together, half turned so they can look at each other.

"Hi," Eddie says once they're settled, hearing the dopey grin in his voice and completely uncaring.

"Hi," Steve replies, his own smile soft and pleased and full of a silly affection. "Oh, hey, do you want to tell everyone tomorrow?"

"That we're soulmates?" Eddie asks.

"Yeah. I mean, you don't gotta let me hold your hand and stuff like I do with Robs, unless you want-"

"I want," Eddie cuts in, before Steve can say what else he does with Robin that he won't be doing with Eddie. "If you want, I mean. I don't know, I'm new at this soulmate stuff. I'm counting on you to be my Yoda here."

Steve wrinkles his nose. "That's the little green guy, right? Who talks in riddles?"

Eddie huffs out a little laugh, watches Steve's eyes crinkle in amusement for a moment before he responds. "You and Dustin had a secret handshake with a lightsaber battle and you're calling Yoda the little green guy who talks in riddles?"

Steve shrugs, the blankets shifting with the movement. "I call it like I see it. Little green riddle guy and the teddy bears."

Eddie groans, tipping his head away. "I can't look at you right now, man."

Steve bumps their shoulders together - and then does it again, and again, and again, until Eddie finally gives up the act and looks at him.

"How about we figure this out together?" Steve asks.

Oh.

"Yeah, I can do that," Eddie agrees. "Let's tell the hoard tomorrow."

—

They tell Robin first, the next morning.

Not that there's really much to tell. Once the rest of the party has absconded to the living room with breakfast and the three of them are alone in the kitchen, she immediately rounds on Steve and lifts up her shirt, pointing accusingly at I don't think you're clever written just below her belly button.

"Really, Steve?" she demands. "What, were you and Eddie missing a few with the demobat bites, so you just had to create some more to make up for it?"

…fuck, despite them talking about Robin half the time, Eddie had completely forgotten she was going to get those lies written on her, too. He swallows, trying to ignore how loudly his heart is beating.

She looks between them, though, and her demeanor softens.

"Oh," she says quietly.

The next thing Eddie knows, he's getting folded up into a hug with her and Steve - both of them are holding onto him so tightly that he can't really tell who's grabbing what part of him, that it honestly hurts a little, and he never wants it to stop.

"They've always meant something different to me," Eddie says, somehow able to admit that now that he's completely wrapped up in the two of them, when he couldn't say it directly to Steve last night.

"They're the only reason I knew I hadn't lost my soulmate before I told him I knew who he was," Robin replies, and oh, that must be her chin hooked over his shoulder.

"I told him," Steve says softly, voice muffled from somewhere in Eddie's hair. "About them being a lifeline."

They stay like that for longer than Eddie can keep track of - for longer than they probably should, with his and Steve's injuries, and with the rest of the party out in the living room.

Eventually, Robin pulls back to look at him, her eyes narrowed a little.

"You're mine now, too," she tells him. "You know that, right?"

Part of him wants to brush it off and say something about how he'd known for a while that she and Steve were a package deal, or make a joke about how possessive this weird little party is, but - the words die on his lips as he looks back and forth between her and Steve, sees the almost identical solemn expressions on their face.

"I, uh. Yeah, I'm working on getting that."

He is. He's working on believing all of them when they say that he's one of them - and when they show it to him, over and over.

Steve reaches out to both of them, taking one of their hands in each of his and lacing their fingers together, giving a brief squeeze before he lets go. "Ready?"

"No," Eddie grumbles. "But let's do this anyway."

He takes a deep breath, like he's fortifying himself, then follows Steve and Robin out into the living room.

"Are you guys done having your soulmate cry session?" Erica asks without even looking up from the mountain of syrup drenched French toast she's working on.

"Erica!" Lucas hisses.

"What?" Erica demands, looking up to point her fork between Steve and Eddie. "Did you want to wait for those two idiots to bluster around figuring out how to tell us, like we didn't already know?"

Mike - kind of looks like a fish, gaping at them, and Eddie doesn't manage to hide his somewhat hysterical giggle. "We didn't already know!"

Erica switches her gaze over to Mike, raising a very judgmental eyebrow. "That sounds like a Mike Wheeler problem."

"We didn't know," Lucas says. "We just kind of suspected after the whole 'oh yeah, Eddie used to talk to his soulmate like Steve and Robin did' thing."

Shit.

Okay, yeah, in hindsight he guesses Robin admitting to talking to her soulmate as well wasn't a cover at all now that he knows everyone knew about her and Steve's soulmate situation.

"He's also living in your house and wearing your clothes, Steve," Nancy points out.

"For almost a week," Dustin adds. "The only other people who've stayed over that long are me and Robin."

Steve sputters. "Because he's on the lam!"

Eddie smacks a hand over his own mouth so that hysterical giggle doesn't become semi hysterical laughter.

"On the lam?" Max scoffs, rolling her eyes. "Okay, he's been on the lam in your house, in your clothes, for almost a week. We weren't supposed to wonder?"

Steve groans. "Okay, fine, but I'd do it even if he wasn't my soulmate. You guys know that, right? That I'd do the same for any of you?" There's a hint of uncertainty in his eyes, that Eddie thinks he can only pick up because they've been in each other's space so much - like Steve honestly thinks there's a chance the rest of them don't know how much he's willing to do for them.

Erica tilts her head at him, watching Steve closely as she considers that. "Okay, then, I'll take your teal sweater."

There's a beat of silence.

"What?" Erica asks. "He may be a nerd and a dumbass, but at least he has decent fashion sense."

"I want the red sweater," Dustin announces.

"The blue and yellow striped polo!" Lucas chimes in.

"The gray jacket!" Max calls.

Robin bursts into laughter, sounding like it's erupting out of her after too long of holding it back, and Eddie refuses to look at her because if he does he's going to -

His eyes make contact with hers as she bends over, cackling, and nope, that's it, he's laughing too.

Max is whispering something in El's ear when he looks back over at them, making El light up a little before she says, "I would like the green plaid button up."

Which prompts Will to perk up, bumping her shoulder with his and going, "No, El, that's not fair, come on."

El gives him a tiny smile, something almost mischievous in her eyes. "If you get the purple one we can share them."

"Done," Will agrees.

"This was not an invitation for you shitheads to raid my closet!" Steve bitches, looking between them all like he isn't sure if he should be flattered or irritated, and mostly just coming across as that fond exasperation that Eddie already knows so well.

"Kind of sounds like it was, man," Argyle informs him, with Jonathan nodding solemnly in agreement.

Eddie's pretty sure they're both a little stoned, which is kind of impressive considering it's just past 10am, but who is he to judge?

"…I wouldn't turn down the blue Henley," Jonathan says after a moment.

Eddie sputters. "Uh-uh, nope, that one's mine, Byers, I've already been wearing it and everything."

"Not the dark blue one, the light blue one," Nancy puts in.

"No one gets any of his khakis!" Robin manages to get out in between giggles. "I already have dibs on those."

Dustin makes a face at her. "You have dibs on everything."

"Soulmate privileges," she replies matter-of-factly.

Steve is suspiciously silent. It doesn't seem like his input is actually needed at this point, considering all of them have worked themselves all up and are gleefully letting themselves get distracted with something that isn't the open gates or Upside Down creatures or the police, but Eddie glances at him out of the corner of his eye anyway. He looks bemused - like he can't quite figure out what's going on here, but he doesn't want to interrupt it.

"Mike, do you want to claim something?" El asks - almost politely, like she's just worried Mike hadn't gotten his turn.

Eddie's pretty sure if it was someone else asking that question, they'd get a full on Mike Wheeler scowl, but she just gets a little huff.

"Why would I want anything of Steve's?" Mike retorts.

Nancy makes this little noise of disagreement. "Mike doesn't need to claim anything, he already has-"

"Nancy!" Mike hisses, sounding horrified.

Max immediately pounces on that. "Oh my God, what is it?"

Mike scrambles up from his spot by Will and El, like he thinks he can just tackle Nancy and solve the problem. "Nancy don't!"

"Christmas sweater!" Nancy announces from where she's ducked behind Jonathan and Argyle, who look somewhat confused but perfectly pleased to be there.

"Christmas sweater?" Lucas repeats. "Wait, the reindeer one? That's Steve's?"

"You kept it?" Steve asks. His face is doing this smug, cocky grin, but Eddie can hear the faint note of surprise in his voice.

"Kept it? He wore it the last two Christmas breaks," Dustin retorts, somehow looking even more smug than Steve. "When did you even get it?"

"New Years 84," Mike grumbles, apparently resigned to the fact that he's not going to get at Nancy as he settles back in between El and Will. "Mom and Dad made us go to this stupid midnight celebration as a stupid family and it was stupid cold and no one told me it was going to be outside half the stupid time. Steve still had the stupid reindeer sweater even though it wasn't Christmas anymore-"

"The Christmas season lasts until New Years, everyone knows that," Steve cuts in.

Mike rolls his eyes so hard that it looks painful.

"It's okay to like Steve," El informs Mike. "We all do."

Mike turns red, which is expected. Steve's ears go pink, which - is not expected, but is both really fucking adorable and a little sad. Does he really not get how much these people like him?

Eddie'll have to talk to Robin to see how she's working on that, he thinks.

"I don't - that's not -" Mike stammers.

"Friends don't lie," El says seriously.

Or at least, it seems serious, until he catches the glint in her eye, realizes it looks remarkably similar to the one in Will's as he adds, "Yeah, Mike. Friends don't lie."

If Eddie didn't know better, he'd believe those two really were twins.

"I like the reindeer sweater," El adds, graciously giving Mike an out.

"How about this," Steve says. "If we all stop plotting to steal my clothes, El gets a reindeer sweater for Christmas this year and everyone gets a pool party when Eddie's out of the woods."

Eddie doesn't want to ask if Steve means when he's healed up enough for a pool party or when his name has been cleared. Instead, he goes for, "What if I want a Christmas sweater?"

Steve gives him this bitchy little look.

Unfortunately for Steve, Eddie just thinks it's cute.

"Fine, everyone gets a pool party and Christmas sweaters," Steve says. "Deal?"

The younger members of the party all look at each other.

"Deal," Erica says, at the same time as Mike goes, "Ugh, fine."

Steve rolls his eyes. "All right, what's the plan for the day?"

—

It becomes a routine over the next few days. The Harrington house seems to fall into a kind of headquarters for the party, and from after breakfast to after dinner, there's always at least a handful of them over.

Robin and Eddie put their feet down in unison over Steve attempting to sign himself up for the first patrol, and get him to agree to wait until his stitches are out by the combined forces of their glares. Steve sulks a bit, but settles for the less physically intensive shit like manning walkies, restocking their first aid kits, volunteering at the high school, and making sure everyone is fed. It makes it easier on Eddie, too, means he can help Steve in the kitchen or take his turn manning the walkies, distract the kids by talking D&D, keeps him from feeling useless.

Eddie won't admit it, but part of him is nervous about Robin finally being able to come stay over at Steve's. He'd told her he'd stay in the same room as Steve until she was able to, after all, and if she tells him to get his ass back over to the guest room, he will. Most of him doesn't really think she would - not since both she and Steve know about his nightmares - but it's, you know, a possibility. Especially because the only other option is for all of them to share Steve's bed, or one of them to sleep on the floor, and he just.

Well.

He can't sleep on the floor, not yet. He's not healed all the way.

If he's really honest with himself, he's nervous because he wants all three of them to share Steve's bed. He wants both of them close by, wants to be able to wake up and have them right there, and he feels guilty about it. With him there, there's no way Steve and Robin could get up to any kind of celebratory thank fuck we're alive activities.

Granted, he's not sure Steve's up for much of those activities, but from what he hears on the rumor mill, Steve's a pretty resourceful guy. Eddie's sure they could get up to something. They've disappeared into the bathroom together a couple of times, and he doesn't think they've been in there long enough for anything too heavy - not that he's got enough experience in anything to know, but still, they could -

No, fuck, that isn't the kind of thing he needs to think about for so, so many reasons, and he does his best to push all of that right out of his head.

There's no reason to be nervous.

When the others go home for the night, and it's just the three of them left helping each other climb up the stairs - it turns out there really isn't.

Eddie's leaning half on Robin, and she doesn't even hesitate as she turns to guide them both to Steve's room. Robin's up first in the bathroom, then Eddie, and when he comes out and Steve goes in - the bed's already been turned down, the pile of pillows he and Steve have been using arranged to better suit three people.

Robin's sprawled on one end of the bed, the opposite side that Steve likes. Eddie hadn't really thought about sleeping arrangements. The obvious configuration is to put Steve in the middle, but he knows Steve needs to be on the end, closest to the door and to the nail studded bat he's got under the bed. Which must mean -

"Come on," she says, scooting over a little.

Eddie swallows, wordlessly shuffling into bed and settling in the middle.

"You better not kick," Robin tells him.

And he's got a great comeback for that, really, he does, something about her elbows and his wounded guts, but he must take too long, because her expression goes more sober.

"You almost died, Eddie," she says softly. "You're going to be the PB&J in this sandwich for a while, until we can both get that image out of our heads."

"I, uh. I didn't know," he says, which sounds so dumb he can hardly believe it, but she at least seems to get what he's saying.

"Well, you do now," she tells him matter-of-factly. "Better get used to it."

Steve's soft humming grows a little louder as he comes out of the bathroom, climbing into bed on Eddie's other side.

There's more than enough room for all of them, but they're still so close, the three of them, and Eddie isn't sure if it's everything he's ever wanted or if it makes him want to run again.

Both.

"Light off or on?" Steve asks them.

Eddie glances at Robin, but she's looking at him, so he pulls in a breath and thinks about it for a moment. "Off," he says eventually.

Steve clicks off the lamp on his nightstand, then settles back down. None of them are touching, but both Steve and Robin are so close that he can almost feel them, and he wants - fuck he wants them closer. He feels kind of pathetic about it, partly because it goes against the image he's worked so hard to maintain and partly because he knows he can't ask for it. He's too afraid to ask for it, to be told no, that's weird, you're a grown man and you shouldn't want to cuddle with your soulmate and your soulmate's soulmate.

But then Steve reaches across him and takes Robin's hand, lacing their fingers together. Their joined hands rest on Eddie's chest, careful of where his injuries are, and Eddie - tries not to move, tries not to tremble, tries not to even breathe hard. Slowly, he lifts his own hand and settles it over theirs, fingers curling to hold on. Steve gives a contented little hum, and Robin echoes it on his other side, and Eddie -

Eddie closes his eyes against the sting of tears, sudden and shocking, sandwiched between the two people who've made him feel the safest he's been since Uncle Wayne. There's a thought there, lurking in the back of his mind, but he's asleep long before he can sort it out.

—

The next day, he's sitting at the kitchen table with Robin, watching Steve fry up some eggs and bacon, when it comes back to him.

"Are Mrs. Byers and Hopper the only Hawkins adults who know about all of this?" he asks.

Robin and Steve look at each other, and Robin shrugs.

"Technically, you and Steve are adults now, but yeah. Why?" Robin asks.

Eddie frowns. "Something Mike said. How Joyce left you guys here, and Nancy told him she wouldn't have done that if they weren't all safe."

There's another, longer look exchanged between Steve and Robin.

"The Byers house was listed for sale for a while before they moved," Steve says, a little reluctantly. "Their family's been through a lot. After Hopper - I think she just wanted out."

Eddie's mouth opens, closes as he thinks better of blurting out his initial reaction, then opens again. "So, she just - moved across the country, leaving the only ones who knew anything about what's been going on here as a bunch of high schoolers and one who only just graduated? Even though every time you guys had thought it was over in the past, it came back?"

Robin's flat, steely look tells him exactly what she thinks of Joyce Byers moving to California and leaving them all behind without her needing to say a damn thing. Steve looks like he's physically repressing himself from saying something bitchy, and turns all his focus back onto carefully flipping the eggs without breaking the yolks.

"Shit," Eddie says absently. "Can we tell my uncle? He might take a little convincing, but he won't freak out, and I can guarantee he won't ever leave us."

"I'm not going to object to another actual adult being in the know," Robin says, but she's looking over at Steve.

His jaw has tightened, and he moves the pan over to an unused burner and turns off the heat. Eddie bristles, ready to leap to his uncle's defense, but when he looks closer at Steve, he realizes he seems - nervous.

"We haven't signed any NDAs yet, this time," Robin says, voice gentle.

"And Eddie hasn't signed one at all," Steve says, a little slowly, like he's thinking carefully.

"I'm not scared of any government types, anyway," Eddie adds with a teasing little laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

It makes Robin grimace, though, and Steve scowl.

"It's not funny, man, you don't know what these guys are capable of," Steve says.

Eddie holds up his hands placatingly. "You're right, I don't. I shouldn't have laughed."

Steve relaxes a little, digging for some plates and dishing out the eggs and bacon. "Sorry. Nancy and I used to argue about it. She wasn't scared of them either."

He looks at Robin, who makes an encouraging little noise.

"My grandpa Otis fought in World War Two. He used to tell me stories, when I was little, and sometimes he'd talk about the Germans disappearing people. One time I told him it was a good thing we lived in America and our government wouldn't do that, and he just kind of smiled at me and said, that's what they say, isn't it?"

Eddie feels a little chill go up his spine.

"Benny Hammond didn't kill himself, and Bob Newby didn't have a heart attack," Robin says quietly. "Nancy and Jonathan got abducted from the park one day just for talking about telling Barb's parents the truth. The more people know about this, the more likely they are to die."

His mouth goes dry. Eddie knew them. Uncle Wayne was friends with Benny Hammond - used to go to the diner after a shift, and on his days off he'd take Eddie, let him sit up at the counter and eat a mountain of hashbrowns cooked almost black, just the way he liked them. Bob Newby never minded Eddie hanging around the RadioShack, gave him a great deal on his amp and helped him pick out his speakers.

"What happened?" he asks.

"They killed Benny because he knew too much," Steve says bluntly. "I don't think people know we know that, but I overheard Hopper talking about it. Bob Newby - demodogs, at the lab."

Eddie breathes out, curling his hands around his coffee mug as he considers. "I don't think I can keep it from him," he says finally. "We've gotta - I have to tell him something."

Steve and Robin look at each other again.

"Okay," Steve says. "It's your call, Eds."

The trust in that statement hits Eddie so hard that he has to close his eyes for a moment, swallowing roughly to get himself under control.

"We gotta do it quick, before they get their shit sorted and we get government agents waving stacks of paper in our faces again," Steve adds.

Eddie nods, opening his eyes so he can look at Steve and Robin. "Okay. How do we get me to him? I can't exactly just waltz into the school gym."

"It'll be easier to get your uncle here," Robin says. "Dustin's been talking to him a little when we volunteer at the school."

"We've been working on a plan," Steve agrees. "Figured we could tell him I want to donate some stuff, but it's too big to fit in my trunk, ask if he'd come to pick it up in his truck."

"Yeah, that'll probably work. Guy's got a heart bigger than anything, he won't be able to resist helping," Eddie says.

Steve shoots him a little smirk. "I'll tell him I know where you get it from, then."

"Do not!" Eddie demands, hiding behind his hair so Steve can't see him smile. "If you try to charm my uncle I'll never forgive you."

"What's the thing the green riddle guy says? There's no trying, only doing?"

"That's it, we're watching The Empire Strikes Back tonight, you get no choice," Eddie says.

Robin groans. "I hate you, Steve, how many times have the munchkins already made us watch that?"

She doesn't say no, though, and Eddie grins for a moment before something occurs to him.

"Wait, is Family Video even still open?" he asks.

"Not yet," Robin says. "It got a little damaged in the fall out. Keith says the owners are planning on opening back up when it's fixed, though."

Steve snorts.

"What?" Eddie asks.

"The idea of the owners actually fixing anything," Robin answers for him.

"They're probably just going to slap new paint over the cracks and call it good," Steve agrees. "But it's fine, I've got it here. The way the kids like to watch them, it was easier just to have their favorites on hand."

Right, Dustin'd said Steve had a VHS collection. Eddie'd kind of assumed that meant, like, Rocky and Top Gun and Rambo, maybe some ones like Romancing the Stone or the Shining for his dates. Past Eddie's really killing him with the assumptions, here, it makes way more sense that Steve'd drop VHS money on the kids.

"Which probably means I have most of your favorites, too," Steve adds with a little smug grin.

He should probably protest that implication that Eddie has the same favorite movies as the kids, but - it's probably not wrong, and really, Eddie's the one winning here if it means Steve's collection is to his taste.

So instead he shoves a forkful of bacon and eggs into his mouth, just so he can talk with his mouth full as he says, "So you'll take Dustin to the high school today to talk to my uncle?"

Steve and Robin pull near identical faces of disgust at him, and he grins at them.

"If you swallow your food before you say anything else, then yes, we'll make plans with your uncle today and watch Star Wars tonight," Robin says.

Eddie considers that for a moment, then nods and finishes chewing. "Deal."

Up next: Steddie grappling with the blurry line between platonic and romantic, and a Munson family reunion!

-----

Part 20

Tag list (always happy to add more!): @vampireinthesun @koibug @estrellami-1 @mentalcyborg @allbimyself26 @questionablequeeries @the-s-is-silent @whimsicalwitchm @a-gae-af-racoon @tinyplanet95 @n0-1-important @velocitytimes2 @swimmingbirdrunningrock @newtstabber @jcmadgirl @roblingoblin285 @lexyvey @paperbackribs @goodolefashionedloverboi @evix-syne666 @raisedbylibrarians @stxrcrossed186 @nightmareglitter @greekgeek24 @starman-jpg @crazyhatlady86 @imfinereallyy @manda-panda-monium @deleataecount @prideandsensibility @chaoticvictorianspirit @maydillydally @disrespectedgoatman @scarlet-malfoy @i-less-than-three-you @hbyrde36 @hallucinatedjosten @dragonsandgayships @arepaconchocolate @g4ys0n @novelnovella @bisexualdisastersworld @ghostofyourvampiregf @scarletyeager @pettrichore @nerd-and-nervous @hiimlevi @queenie-ofthe-void @cinnamon-mushroomabomination

#steddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #robin buckley #steddie fic #platonic soulmates stobin #steve and robin and eddie #steddie soulmate au #soulmates au #stranger things

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claudemblems · 1 year

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Patching Your Wounds | Kaveh

"You're injured."

Kaveh's face fell as he gazed upon your hand, the skin littered with dozens of bloody cuts and scratches. How you got them, he didn’t know. All he did know was that the sight broke his heart.

"Kaveh, I'm–"

"Don't 'I'm fine' me," he said sternly, his voice coming out sharper than he meant it to. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath before trying again. "You're not going anywhere until this is taken care of. Sit here. I'll be back with medicine and bandages."

You didn’t have the heart to refuse him, not when he looked at you with such sorrow in his eyes, so you opted to make yourself comfortable while you waited.

Less than a minute later, Kaveh returned from the bathroom with all the necessary supplies in hand. He crouched down on the wooden floor beside you, motioning for you to give him your hand. You did, and he gently took it into his own, assessing the extent of your injuries. He frowned slightly, and a twinge of guilt pricked at your heart.

But Kaveh didn't speak a word, probably because he knew his concerns would come off as a harsh scolding instead. So he silently began his work, first disinfecting the cuts and scratches before treating them with antibiotics.

"Some pesky treasure hoarders decided it would be a good idea to try to jump me," you began, choosing your words carefully. It wouldn't be wise to mention any details that might make Kaveh even more anxious. "It would have worked on any average civilian, but I'm a seasoned adventurer. Their plan was doomed the moment they underestimated me."

"And what were you doing that led you to be in an area filled with Treasure Hoarders?"

"Uh…just some adventuring stuff. Look, Kaveh, I wasn't in any real danger, okay? I only left with some scratches."

"Scratches that armed strangers left on you!" Kaveh closed his eyes, biting back all the emotions threatening to burst. "I'm just…worried about you, okay? Whether your injuries are miniscule scrapes or cuts, they’re a visible reminder that I wasn't there to protect you. I let someone else hurt you. I let someone mar your skin with wounds that have to heal. I should have been there to whisk you away to safety, but I wasn't. And for that, I'm incredibly angry at myself, and I'm sorry to you that I wasn't there when you needed me."

The sadness pooling in Kaveh's eyes made yours sting with tears. With your free hand, you pulled his head against your chest, fingers gliding through his silky strands of hair. "Even if I had far worse injuries, I would never blame you, Kaveh, and you shouldn't blame yourself either. Unexpected circumstances are bound to happen, and we should be glad that I only left with a few scratches on my hand."

"...I know you're right, but in a perfect world, I'd never let anyone with ill intentions lay a finger on you."

"And the world we live in will never be perfect, so we should be prepared for whatever may lie ahead. We'll both end up with our own bumps and bruises, but they're a testament that we made it out alive. We can always patch each other up afterwards."

You felt him relax against you, his quick heartbeat finally beginning to slow. "I just don't ever want to see you hurt..." he whispered, wrapping an arm around your middle. "You are the best gift I've ever received, and if anything were to happen to you, my life would lose all its meaning. I could never continue on without you by my side, so please, look out for yourself, My Treasure."

Your heart skipped a beat at the pet name, one that Kaveh reserved only for the most intimate of occasions.

"I promise you, Kaveh, that I'll never leave before it's my time." You held him tighter, placing a kiss atop his hair. "I'll make sure you will never have anything precious torn from you ever again. And I'll do everything in my power to replace all the grief of your past with a future of never-ending happiness."

Kaveh pulled away to meet your eyes, one of his signature bright smiles gracing his lips. “My Love, you’ve already made me the happiest man in all of Teyvat just by being mine.”

Heat rushed to your face as you buried your head in the crook of his neck. “You sure know how to say such pleasing words.”

Kaveh chuckled, lips pressing against the crown of your head. “What can I say? You’ve made me quite the hopeless romantic, Darling.”

“All these pet names at once are going to make my heart burst.”

“Oh, that just won’t do. We still haven’t finished patching up your other wounds. How would I patch up your heart as well?”

You thought for a moment before giving Kaveh a cheeky smile. “Maybe a few kisses would suffice.”

“Oh? Well, that I can do. Let’s get you bandaged up right away so I can administer the rest of the medicine. Don’t worry, the healing properties of the kisses can be felt immediately. So the sooner I can kiss your symptoms away, the better!"

And you received many kisses that night, even long after your heart returned to normal.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #kaveh #kaveh x reader #:3

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citrusy-lemons · 11 months

Text

pancake-cakes

tasm!peter x reader

summary: late night cravings bring out some deeper feelings.

author's note: HOLY SHIT, count on me to go MIA for a month after posting. honestly tho i'm so sorry, i've got school and extracurriculars and projects and shit and i haven't really gotten time to write and my schedule is still super hectic, hopefully i'll be able to get other stuff out soon but no promises :/

let me know what you think? constructive criticism is welcome and please be nice :)

see, the middle of the night wasn't meant for this. it's to sleep and dream and pee.

not for baking a cake without having most ingredients of the cake. but you'd gotten a sudden craving and it was a weekend tomorrow, so bad decisions were inevitable.

did you have a million assignments to do? maybe. but peter also had a million assignments to do and he was still here, so technically, he's also making bad decisions. he was aware of that fact.

mind you he did try to convince you to go back to sleep at first but you wore him down. he didn't put up a big fight, he never did, against you.

he's convinced himself that he was only there to watch over you and make sure you didn't slice a finger or spill the flour, not to help you out with your late night shenanigans. but he was cutting up the strawberries so, really, he didn't have a strong resolve.

"you know, i think that when the box says 'pancake mix' you're supposed to make pancakes," he said, turning to you, who was reading the back of said box.

were you trying to bake a cake in the middle of the night with pancake batter cuz you didn't have the stuff for the cake and didn't want to go to the grocery store to get it? kinda. would peter have gone and got the stuff himself if you'd asked? yes.

"i didn't listen to you the last 17 times, i'm not gonna listen to you now, and besides," you said, pouring the mix into a bowl, "a pancake is just a cake but made on a pan instead of an oven. we're just changing the recipe a bit," you shrugged, like it was obvious and he was the stupid one.

"there are so many things wrong with that sentence, i dont even know where to begin,"

"here's a hint, don't."

you were being mean, you knew that. you didn't mean it. peter knew that. and you knew that peter knew that but you would apologize later. he knew that. he sighed dramatically.

"you wound me,"

you rolled your eyes at that. pretending to be annoyed at him was easy. wiping the smile away from your face when you were around him wasn't.

"if i had a dollar for every time you're wounded, i'd be filthy rich."

he glanced up at you. he knew that that wasn't completely a joke, it had a bittersweet tone to it. was that the reason why you were up at this ungodly hour? peter knew that you'd been stressed lately, he didn't know he had a hand in that.

"hey, you wanna tell me what's up?"

you didn't meet his eye, but you did stop fiddling with the bowl. almost immediately, you grabbed the knife out of his hand, mumbling, "you're cutting them all wrong,"

you both knew that wasn't true. one of the perks of having grown up with may was that peter was a fantastic cook. he'd been doing this sort of stuff forever. you needed to get better at excuses.

he gently laid his hand over yours to stop you and said your name softly, pleadingly. a long pause. you complied.

"it's just that," you started with a sigh, and dropped the knife, "you're my best friend peter, and i know that being spiderman means a lot to you," hesitation creeps up as you get to the actual issue. peter senses a 'but' coming. you look at him.

"but you come home every night with bruises everywhere, in pain, and i know you say that they'll go away in the morning and they do but," you're rambling now, he doesn't stop you.

"you have to see it from my perspective, i-" another sigh, you look away, "i get scared, peter."

oh. you were worried for him. he wonders how he didn't realise that before. that time he came home with a stab wound and you looked like you were going to cry he thought you were nauseous at the sight of blood. peter was an idiot.

"i know i shouldn't but i dont like the thought of you getting beat up every night." you were talking with your hands now, "imagine how you would feel if i came home with bruises all over my body and told you not to worry and that i'll be fine in a couple hours." you looked at him again. there was a sort of pain in your eyes. peter wishes it weren't there.

"it doesn't feel good peter. and you assume that i'm supposed to be okay with it?" you took a deep breath and closed your eyes, turning back to the strawberries. your hands were shaking.

peter thought about it. about what you'd said. you were scared for him and he understood that. it couldn't have been easy to be with someone like him. but he couldn't very well abandon spiderman. it was a part of him now. he knew that you knew that, but at the same time, he understood your point.

he thought about how he'd feel if the roles were reversed. if you came home with the type of wounds he did every night, he would be terrified. he couldn't blame you, of course he couldn't.

but he was spiderman, he had a responsibility, an unspoken vow to this city. he had opportunities and powers that no one else did, and he wanted to do good with it.

he hadn't asked for it, but he still had it. if he gave up being spiderman, he didn't think his conscience would let him live with it.

"i'm not asking you not to be spiderman," you spoke, finding your voice, "of course i won't do that. i'm just saying..." you trailed off, unsure of what you wanted and whether you were allowed to have it.

peter took both your hands into his, silently begging you to look at him. you did.

"i know what you're saying, and i understand. i don't blame you, i get where you're coming from and i promise, i'll be fine," he said, softly. he knew you were anxious about his safety.

"i can't give up being spiderman, and i know that's not what you're saying, but you have to understand, i can't not do it, it's a part of me, and i swear i will be more careful," his brown eyes bore into yours, willing you to understand. you blinked and unconsciously looked to the floor.

"but what if, being careful isn't enough one day? what if it isn't just some robbers or burglars but some other things? what if it's one of those aliens or mutants or something and you can't defend yourself? what am i supposed to do then, pete?"

you closed your eyes again, trying to stop the tears. peter's heart was tearing itself knowing that he was the reason for them. how could he tell you that him being the cause for your tears hurt more than any knife in the world?

"hey, look at me," he said, searching for your eyes. you shook your head but looked up at him anyway, the tears in your lashes resolutely not giving in to gravity.

"nothing is going to happen to me. i've handled stuff like that, you know. i know you're worried and upset but i promise, nothing will happen. you need to trust me, okay? we're going to be fine. please, I need you to trust me."

he said your name like it's the last time he'll ever get to, not in a way a friend is supposed to.

you sniffed, "i trust you, i do. it's this city that i don't trust," you steeled yourself, "but if you're sure, and you believe we'll be fine, then i do too."

he cracked a smile then, and pulled you in for a hug. a tight one. neither of you let go for quite a few minutes. you relished in it.

"god, okay i know i'm being silly, i'm sorry," you said after you'd pulled away, rubbing at your eyes.

"you're not being silly, don't be sorry. it's completely okay and valid. don't ridicule your thoughts, you're allowed to feel," peter said, in a scold-ish manner that he'd no doubt learnt from may.

"and please step away from the strawberries, and go back to butchering your so-called 'cake'," he said with a teasing smile, bumping his hips into yours to move you back to the bowl of pancake mix.

you scoffed incredulously, back into your playful demeanor, "excuse you, i would have perfected this pancake-cake if i weren't feeling sleepy right now, so, unfortunately for you, you won't get to taste this deliciousness, whenever i do get to make it,"

"oh, what a tragedy, i won't get to torture my tastebuds with whatever concoction you manage to brew up,"

you shoved at him, not that he moved an inch, and grabbed the plate of cut strawberries.

"just for that, i'm gonna eat these strawberries in bed using your pillow as a table, and you know i can be a very messy eater," you laughed like an evil sorcerer and ran towards the bedroom.

peter, horrified at the thought of sleeping on a sticky pillow, ran after you, forgetting that he had sticky hands himself. (pun intended, i'm sorry i couldn't not do it)

"come back here you!"

the pancake mix in the bowl, the half pack of strawberries waiting to be cut, and the anxiety were all left forgotten back in the kitchen.

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bettsfic · 11 months

Text

i can't stay quiet about this anymore. for weeks now i've thought, noo i won't write about knights of the zodiac on my blog. nobody cares. BUT it is the weirdest fucking movie i've ever seen and i need to tell you about it.

knights of the zodiac is an american made live action adaptation of the anime/manga saint seiya. before this film, i'd never even heard of it, but that doesn't matter, because i watched an interview with mackenyu (who plays seiya) who said that the director told him not to bother watching the anime or reading the manga, because he wanted this movie to be its own thing. you know, which is always a great way to bring in your core audience.

with that said, i'm viewing this film entirely on its own merit, with no context of the source material. so saint seiya fans may not want to read this.

the movie came out this past may. i was excited about it for no other reason than mackenyu starring in an american action movie. i'm honestly a little surprised people weren't more jazzed about that. there aren't a lot of japanese actors starring in big budget american action movies.

other cast members include sean bean (who, spoiler alert, dies), famke janssen, and mark dacascos. in case you don't recognize those names, they are, respectively, boromir/ned stark, jean grey from x-men, and the iron chef. if nothing else, i think it's worth watching for the utterly bizarre casting.

the premise, sort of: mackenyu, who appears to be contractually obligated to play angsty younger brother characters (i think this is the 7th thing i've seen him in where he is an angsty younger brother), has an older sister who is missing. he's a poor orphan boy who gets by on winning cage fights. or something. so boromir finds him and tells him he's destined to be athena's bodyguard, and he gets on board with this alarmingly fast, but not after antagonizing athena (who is not yet athena) and throwing out some snarky one-liners. he trains in the middle of nowhere with a masked lady who repeatedly kicks his ass, and he never changes clothes the entire time. there's other stuff too but it's secondary to the absolute batshittery of this movie.

i saw it on premiere night, which was also the premiere night of the new guardians of the galaxy movie. again, A+ move by the promotional team. so there i was on a saturday at 7pm. prime movie going time. and my best friend and i were the only ones in the theater.

although i had no real expectations for this movie beyond Mackenyu Hits Things And Is Sad, i believed one of two things would happen: it would be as terrible as it sounded, or it would actually be phenomenal. but no, it was neither bad, nor good, but a secret third thing: it scratched a deep and rabid part of my id.

and by that i mean, it appeared to be a very high budget love letter to glaringly submissive men.

here's my letterboxd review that i wrote in the brief hypomanic episode succeeding my initial viewing:

okay so first and most importantly, this scene made me actually scream:

it's a joke line, sure, but 1) he definitely means it, and 2) he immediately calls her "princess," which if you've ever read my fic, you'll know that that's a one-hit KO for me.

(putting this under a cut because it's already long)

you see how athena is framed above seiya? that is one of approximately 1000 shots where this occurs. to every male character. at one point, mackenyu perches gingerly on the back of athena's motorcycle. in fact the only male character who attempts to be dominant aggressive and toxically masculine becomes the punching bag of the film.

in the beginning, seiya is in a cage match where people are getting angry at him for "dancing," which means he doesn't fight so much as avoids getting hit and looks pretty doing it. a solid third of the movie involves a very large lady beating the crap out of him. the premise of the film is getting him to devote his entire life to a goddess and obey protect her at all costs.

i'm probably the only one who watched this movie and was like, hmm is this kink coded? am i insane for seeing this? usually when i think of kink coding i think of quentin tarantino's foot fetish, these long gaudy shots of women's feet hanging out of car windows. it's in the imagery and shot composition and power dynamics.

here, the imagery is a lot of kneeling men, the shot compositions repeatedly place the men lower than the women, and the power dynamics are simply that the women have all the power, and the men have a little, as a treat. jean grey is a straight-up femdom, leather and all.

by the end of the climax, seiya is naked, having been stripped of his (magical and very powerful) armor as pre-athena becomes athena and uh, blasts his clothes off in the process. there's probably something to be said there about, you know, literally stripping him of his power.

i think what i find particularly remarkable about this is that the repeated feminization of the male lead is treated as a good thing. a self-actualizing thing. it's the process through which he accepts himself and his destiny. that's the reason i say it's a love letter--i've known a lot of submissive men and many of them really struggle to accept that part of themselves. i had a friend once who was so ashamed of himself--not just that he was submissive, but that submission was an integral part of his identity--that he had a breakdown in my car over it. so i think it's nice seeing a vaguely positive portrayal of finding oneself through (textually) devotion and (subtextually) submission.

god help me, seiya spends the entire film being irritating and bratty. this movie is my personal kryptonite.

don't get me wrong, it's a terrible movie. the writing is awful, the direction is awful, and if it gets a second film, i'll be shocked. it received a 1.9 (out of 5) on letterboxd and a 4.4 (out of 10) on imdb.

but i've also always been a lover of the star wars prequels (and oh boy there's a lot to be said there about submissive men) and so my patience for bad writing is infinite in the face of interesting things happening on a character level. in a world of disneyfied stock plots and bloated marvel franchises, i appreciate when a movie tries to do something different, even if it doesn't do it very well.

anyway, i can't in good conscience recommend it, but i for one plan to watch it at least a hundred more times.

#i would love to tag this so i can find it later but i really don't want it to show up in the official tag #so uhh #film meta

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heartateasee · 2 months

Text

“Chapter One”

Word Count: 6.7k

(Chapter one to “Cherry Bomb” - please make sure to read the TW on the “Cherry Bomb” masterlist before proceeding.)

●・○・●・○・●

Sitting in my makeup chair, I stare at myself in the vanity mirror. The bright bulbs surrounding it are causing me to squint a bit. My usual hair stylist wasn't able to make it out to LA for this show, and I wasn't upset about that. She had a family emergency, and for me, friends and family came before anything for those around me. The woman behind me, whose name I learned was Lisa, was just finishing up the curls she was putting into my hair. She was middle aged from what I could see, and she could style the hell out of some hair. I had just gotten my wolf cut shaped for this specific show since it was the last one of my current tour, and she couldn't stop complimenting me on how much it suited me.

After this, I will be taking a break to work on a new album here in LA. I've purchased a house and had a recording installed so that I'll be able to work there instead of traveling around. Although my parents didn't live here anymore, this was still the place I considered home. I left almost two years ago when I got signed to my record label, and it's been almost three years since I've actually been back.

As much as I had tried to deny it, there was a part of me that had avoided LA on the two other tours I've gone on before this one. I wasn't ready to face the people here who knew me, and most of all, I don't know how I would act if I were to see him.

I went through a few years of therapy to get over the emotional turmoil I went through after Harry and I's friendship ended. It was necessary. I avoided human contact with anyone but my parents for almost a whole year because of it, and I finally took the step at finding a therapist - forcing myself to make the appointments for a few months until I actually started to look forward to it.

It's been almost a year since the last appointment with my therapist, the both of us deciding that I no longer needed to be seen on a monthly basis as I had been. We agreed that I could reach out to her when needed, and she assured me that she would be available any day and any time.

"Alright, since I'm finished with your hair, I'm gonna go grab your girl to finish up your makeup, okay?" Lisa asks, and I give her a nod.

"Yes, thank you so much for doing this last minute. I really appreciate you."

"Of course, sweetheart."

She gives me a squeeze to my shoulder as she exits the room, and I sigh as I grab my pack of cigarettes off the vanity. I slip one between my lips, lighting it up as I stare at myself in the mirror once again. It looks like the only things I have left for my makeup is eyeshadow, lashes and lips, and I know those won't take too long since the base of everything is already set.

I take a drag of my cigarette, flicking the ash into the tray in front of me. Pulling my bottom lip through my teeth, I keep the stick between my fingers as I rub the tip of my thumb over one of my brows out of stress.

There were going to be people here tonight that I haven't seen in years. I knew that by keeping my real name instead of choosing a stage name that as soon as I decided to come home that it would bring attention. I wasn't famous on a large scale by any means, but I did have a decent following, and this current tour has opened a lot of new doors for me.

I had invited Mikey and Kailey considering I'd kept up with them pretty regularly over the years, but they both were busy tonight with their jobs. I've actually flown the both of them out to a few shows, and at first I was worried that the both of them would be offended that I got a whole new band to back me up instead of them, but they understood why I didn't. That would feel too much like having the band without him, and that was just something I couldn't ever bring myself to do.

I've only ever brought him up once, and it was to Kailey after the third show I flew her out to. She said she wanted to talk to me about it as well, but she didn't know how to bring it up. He was still in the area, that was for sure from things that Kailey had heard, but she had only ever seen him twice since everything happened.

The first time was at a gas station and he was grabbing a pack of cigarettes, however, he didn't see her. The second time was at a house party she was invited to, and Harry was just showing up as she was leaving. She told me that he was already pretty drunk from what she could tell, and they made eye contact, but he immediately looked away and kept making his way into the party. She told me that Mikey hasn't heard or seen him at all.

"Sorry, sorry, I was finishing my dinner."

I'm brought out of my thoughts as I see Christy, my makeup artist, come rounding in front of me. "Okay, so just a few things left, Marls," she says, eyes scanning over my face before giving herself a nod.

I take a few more quick drags of my cigarette before snuffing it out.

Christy begins to apply some primer to my lids before shuffling through some of the palettes she brought with her. "Since your outfit is a dark creme and black color scheme, I think I'm going to go with a darker lid, what do you think?"

"Yeah, yeah," I nod, clearing my throat before looking back at myself in the mirror. "That sounds good to me. I trust you, you always take care of me."

Christy stands back in front of me and sends me a smile as I close my eyes, allowing her to work her magic. My hands were slightly clutching to the arms of the makeup chair as I felt the bristles of the makeup brush on my lids.

It's quiet between the two of us for a while before Christy speaks up. "You're a little more nervous than I'm used to seeing," she comments. "Are you nervous about potentially seeing..."

Christy has been my makeup artist for the last two and half years, and within that time, I've opened up to her a lot about things in my personal life. Other than my manager, she's probably the person I confide in the most while on the road, and sometimes even off of it. I try my best not to bother either of them when we're taking a break from touring, and they're back at home with their families, but both of them have assured me time and time again that I'm not doing that when I reach out.

"A little bit, yeah," I confess, licking over my bottom lip. "But I also don't think that he'll come. He probably doesn't even remember at this point."

I can hear Christy sigh, and I feel the brush fall from my skin for a moment. My eyes flutter open to see her staring down at me - head tilted to the side.

"Now you and I both know that you don't actually believe that for a second."

Scowling slightly, I cross my arms and slouch in my chair. "No, I don't. You have to understand that it's easier for me to think that way though than to think he does remember me, and that he hasn't reached out at all."

"Trust me, I definitely get that," Christy says with a nod, and I close my eyes again to let her continue. "But I also don't think it's completely fair to yourself to just say he's forgotten you. I highly doubt that he has."

"Who knows at this point though? Literally no one I still speak to has actually talked to him. I have nothing to go on."

Christy remains silent as she finishes my eye makeup, and she continues to not speak as she applies my lashes. I'm sure she's stopped speaking on the subject to keep me from getting even more nervous than I already am.

As she starts to work on my red lips, I see the door open in the mirror.

"You have fifteen minutes before you're on, Marlowe," Lys, my manager, says as she pokes her head into my dressing room. "Do you need any help getting into your dress?"

I shake my head once Christy pulls the lip product she was using away for a moment to give me a chance to respond. "No, I've got it. Thank you though."

Lys nods, but instead of stepping out, she makes her way into the room, standing behind me as Christy finishes up on my lips. She places her hands on my shoulders, massaging them softly as we make eye contact through the mirror.

"You've got this. I know this is your first hometown show, and that it probably feels extremely stressful for you right now, but just remember what you always say before each and every show - you won't be able to see past at least the fourth row because of the lights, these people are here to see you because they already love your music, and you wouldn't be up on that stage to begin with if you weren't immensely talented."

Christy moves away for a moment, before she stands back in front of me with some setting spray. I close my eyes and feel the product misting my skin, and then I feel air fanning against it as Christy dries it by waving her hands in front of my face.

"All done, and looking as beautiful as ever," she says, reaching down to grab my hands.

With the both of them making contact with me, it does help me ground myself a little bit. I shut my eyes and take in a deep breath as I give Christy's hands a squeeze.

"Thank you guys so much, seriously," I tell them, blinking my eyes back open. I shift in my chair a bit so I can look at the both of them, Lys moving both of her hands to drape over one of my shoulders. "I don't know what I would do without the both of you."

"Crash and burn, probably is what I'd say, " Lys says with a shrug, looking over to Christy. "What do you think?"

"Oh absolutely," Christy agrees with a nod.

I roll my eyes before popping up out of my chair, walking over to my dressing room door. Gripping the doorknob on my hand, I gesture my other hand through the door frame.

"Now, if you lovely ladies would be so kind, I have to get changed," I tell them.

Lys sticks her tongue out at me playfully as Christy gathers her makeup supplies, and they both file out of the room. I strip off the robe I had been wearing, leaving me in just my bra and underwear underneath.

Making my way over to the hanger on the rack, I pull off the fishnets that were hanging through the middle of it and pull them onto my legs with a pair of black cheeky shorts over them - just in case my dress flies up for any reason on stage. I slip on my dress after that, thankful that the zipper was on the side so I could actually manage this myself.

It wasn't that I didn't want the help, but I just needed some silence before going out on that stage. Things never end well for me if it tends to get too loud, and I had a fear of that happening if I didn't give myself some alone time tonight.

After I sit down on the couch, I pull on the shoes that have multiple buckles that go up my legs - which stop right underneath my knees. I shove my hands into my half pleather gloves, clenching and unclenching my fingers to get a good feel of how much mobility I had in them. I stand up and walk over to the full length mirror in my room - giving myself a good once over.

I slip my eyes shut after a moment, rolling my head from side to side on my shoulders while shaking out my arms a bit.

Beginning to pace around my room, I start my vocal exercises - tapping my fingers slightly to the beat that I was pacing myself at. My eyes meet the clock on the wall, and I know that it's time.

I make my way over the door, and I open it before making my way towards the stage.

"Oh! I was just coming to get you," Lys says cheerfully as she begins to walk beside me, taking my hand and lacing our fingers together. "I'm so proud of you, Marlowe, you have no idea."

We make our way to the steps that lead to where I'm needed next, and she stops us. I look down at her, and I can see tears glazing over her eyes.

"I mean that," she says, speaking over the cheers that are flooding through from the crowd. "I know how much it took for you to get here to be able to play this show, and I hope you're just as proud of yourself as I am of you. You're remarkable, and now you get to show the city where you came from just how remarkable you are as well."

Pursing my lips to the side, I do my best not to cry as I quickly wrap my arms around Lys, pulling her in for a hug. "Fuck you for almost making me cry before I go out there," I joke with a laugh, and I hear her give one back to me as her hands run up and down my back.

We pull away after a moment, and she begins to wipe under her eyes.

"Go, go! I'll be right off to the side if you need me, but I know you won't. You're going to be so wonderful."

Smiling, I give her a nod before making my way to the steps, encasing one of the rails in my hand. I watch as my band enters in from the steps on the other side of the stage, and they take their positions. They begin to play my intro song, and I nod my head to beat to try and get myself into the zone.

On stage, I'm more than just Marlowe Finch. On stage, I'm Marlowe Finch, the singer.

Once a certain beat hits, I race up the steps and onto the stage, the volume from the crowd increasing entirely as I walk the front of the surface. This was a smaller venue, so it was easy for the sound to fill the place, but I was honestly surprised at just how many people were here. I could tell there were people lined up from wall to wall, and the crowd extended all the way into the back towards the front door.

I can feel the large smile taking over my features as I make my way back into the middle of the stage towards my mic stand.

"LA, how are we feeling?" I call out, and the crowd begins to go wild again after just starting to calm down. "Well, you beautiful fucking people, I hope you came here to have a good time because that's what I intend on giving you. Did you guys come here to have a good time?"

I can hear the crowd yell back 'yeah' to me, and I laugh outside of the microphone before letting it meet my lips again. "I said, did you guys come here to have a good time?"

They yell back again even louder than before, and I nod. "Well let's start this damn party, shall we?"

●・○・●・○・●

My chest heaves as I finish my second to the last song. I turn to face my band, sending them all a huge smile, and they're sending me one right back. I turn back to the crowd, and I can feel a lump growing in my throat.

"You guys have been so incredible. I can't thank you enough," I tell them genuinely as I rest my hand against my chest. "I haven't played a hometown show in my time as an artist for various reasons, but I've finally found the strength within myself to do it, and you guys have given me a show even greater than I ever hoped. So thank you, to each and every one of you for making this night so special."

"I'm going to be taking a bit of a break to work on my first full album - not just an EP. Can you all believe that?" I ask, and the crowd cheers. "And it wouldn't be possible without all of you, truly. For this last song I'm going to sing, it's the only completed song I have so far for the new album. It's extremely personal to me, and I didn't know if I was going to play it tonight, but you guys have been so great to me. This is my gift to you. Thank you guys again."

Once more I turn to my band, and my guitarist, Garrett, lifts his eyebrows at me. I know that they all have to be surprised that I'm choosing to sing this song, but it feels right tonight. I give him a nod, and he begins to strum the chords for the introduction of the song.

After a while, the drums start as well, and I close my eyes tight as I keep my back to the audience. I listen to the music surrounding me and I tell myself that this is the moment for me to finally sing this - the most personal song I've written so far. I can hear that it's almost time for me to start singing, and I turn back to the crowd as I cup the microphone on the stand in both of my hands.

"Down to you. You're pushin' and pullin' me down to you, But I don't know what I-"

The song immediately goes into the chorus, and I find myself shutting my eyes again - shying away from the crowd for the first time tonight.

"Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought. Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought of you."

I hesitantly open my eyes, and I can see the crowd nodding their heads and swaying to the sound of the beat. That gives me a little more reassurance, and I feel a small smile twitch onto my lips as I watch them.

"Of you - you're pushin' and pullin' me down to you. But I don't know what I want. No, I don't know what I want."

Taking the microphone off the stand, I walk towards the front of the crowd and lean down, making eye contact with a few people as I sing the next verse.

"You got it, you got it - some kind of magic. Hypnotic, hypnotic - you're leaving me breathless I hate this. I hate this. You're not the one I believe in - with God as my witness."

The band leads me into the next chorus which then fades into the slower bridge, and I stop in the middle of the stage. I extend one of my hands over my head as I feel the music, and I begin to snake my body around while I sing out the next words.

"Don't know what I want, but I know it's not you. Keep pushin' and pullin' me down - when I know, in my heart, it's not you."

The song remains slower until the band kicks in heavy once again for the last chorus, and I quickly grab the microphone out of the middle of the stage, tossing it to the side, as myself, Garrett, and my bassist, Alice, begin to head bang.

"Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that I should've never thought. Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself from saying something that-"

I slam down onto my knees on the stage, my dress long enough to cover me as it sit back slightly on my heels, and I press the palm of my hand not holding the microphone down onto the stage between my thighs as I belt out the last few lines of the song.

"I should've never thought of you. I knew. I know, in my heart, it's not you. I knew. But now, I know what I want, I want, I want. Oh, no, I should've never thought!"

Sucking in air to catch my breath, I keep myself in the position for a while. I didn't even realize that I had tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes now burning from the sensation as my bottom lip trembles. I know my hair is covering me from the audience so they're not able to see how emotional I've become.

In order to distract the crowd a bit, the band begins to play the beginning of the song again, and I know they're doing it to stall - to help me recuperate, and give a proper end to my set.

Only a few more seconds go by before I push myself off the ground, and I lift my other hand to move my curls out of my face as I hold the microphone to my lips.

"You've been truly magical, LA," I compliment them, and I know that my tears are gone from my cheeks. I just hope that it hasn't been obvious that I've been crying. "Hopefully I'll be seeing you again really soon. Thank you again, get home safely, and have a good night!"

I begin to blow kisses to them and wave as I start towards the steps I had entered on, and I quickly feel an arm wrap around mine.

"Believe me when I say that was your best performance yet!" Lys squeals, leaning over to press her lips against my cheek, her hold tightening on my right arm as she does so. "I can't believe you played the song. They loved it, Marlowe."

Lys has set it up for me to sign a few things against a side barricade before heading back tonight, and I was more than okay with that. They start leading me towards backstage again, and the way the stage was set up, I have to walk a bit onto the main floor before entering the backstage door. There's a railing blocking me from everyone, and I move a bit closer to Lys as fans start screaming my name - extending copies of my EP for me to sign.

My eyes widen, and I stop to greet them. I sign the items and give them back, all while thanking each person for coming tonight, and for supporting me. Once I reach the end of the line, the main floor is practically cleared out, and we start towards the door.

"Marlowe," I hear my name, and I feel a hand brush against the top of my left arm.

I immediately flinch away and look over at the individual as the security behind us begins to block me from them. Looking away, I start towards the door again before I freeze - realizing the set of ivy colored eyes my blue ones had just been met with.

"Honey, come on," I know Lys is speaking to me, but her voice sounds far away as I turn to look at the person who is calling my name once again.

All the air gets pushed from my lungs when I see who it is, and my knees just about give out on me. He's dressed in a pair of tight black jeans with a pastel floral button-up. The top few buttons are undone to reveal the swallows I knew so well in addition to the antennas of the butterfly that adorns the top of his stomach.

"Harry," I breathe, and he gives me a nod.

It's then that I realize his hair is longer - much longer than the last time I've seen him. He lifts a hand to run through the front of it, pushing it out of his face, but he never averts his gaze from mine.

"No fucking way," I hear Lys whisper behind me, and she quickly gives my arm another squeeze. "Let's go, Marlowe. I'll have security see him out."

Shaking my head, I pull my arm away from her, and now I'm completely turning to face him.

"What do you want?" I ask him - my tone coming out more aggressive than I thought, and I've even surprised myself with that.

"Can we talk?"

Every fiber of my being tells me that I should tell him no. That I should just send him away, and that I don't owe him a thing for the years of turmoil he's put me through. But now that he's here in front of me, and I know he hasn't actually forgotten who I am, I want nothing more than to hear his voice for more than just a few seconds.

"You want to talk?" My eyebrows narrow, and I can feel one of my hands clenching into a fist by my side.

"That's what I asked, isn't it?"

"Alright, that's enough," Lys' voice cuts in, and I feel her wrap her arm around my chest as she starts to steer me towards the backstage area again. "Come on, let's get you changed and home."

"No," I tell her, and we stop again as I tilt my head towards the door - eyes still on Harry. "If you wanna talk, let's talk."

Harry peers at the security guard that just slightly towers over him as he makes his way around the barricade that was completely separating him from us. I swallow harshly as we start towards my dressing room, and Lys opens the door - following me inside.

"Marlowe, I don't know if this is such a good-"

"Look, Lys, I appreciate it, I do, and I understand why you would be hesitant to let me do this, but with the progress I've made - I feel like I need to," I explain, and I watch her nibble on the inside of her cheek before looking over her shoulder at Harry who was now also entering the room. "I have my phone on me, okay? If I need you, I'll call."

"Okay," she sighs, shaking her head in defeat when she knows that I'm going through with this. "Do you want me to leave one of the security guys outside of the door?"

I can't help but smirk softly at her proposition. "I'm okay, but thank you for offering."

Nodding, she starts out of the room, but she stops and looks at Harry. "I swear to god, if I get a phone call from her in the next five minutes and she's crying, I'll find out where you live, and I'll make sure that-"

"Lys!" I say, and she quickly makes eye contact with me as I raise my eyebrows.

"Right, sorry," she mumbles before heading out of the room.

Silence takes over, and I keep my eyes off of Harry as I walk over to my vanity. I grab the ashtray off the surface, as well as my pack of cigarettes, before I head over to the couch - plopping myself down on it. I stick a cigarette between my teeth to hold it stable as I lean down and begin to undo the buckles of my shoes. Once I have them undone, I toss both of them to the side, and I pluck the lighter out of my pack.

I quickly light the cigarette before leaning back into the couch a bit, one leg crossed over the other. In the time that I had taken my shoes off, I didn't notice that Harry had grabbed one of the fold up metal chairs that had been leaning up against the wall. He set it up right across from me, only the coffee table really separating the two of us.

Unfortunately, I find myself in a bit of a trance as I see him fish his own pack of cigarettes from the front pocket of his jeans. He flips the lid and brings it up to his mouth, pulling one of the sticks out with his teeth. His eyes flip up to meet mine as he grabs his lighter and sparks it - heart shaped lips immediately closing down around the filter, and I watch the end glow orange.

We both pull the cigarettes from our mouths at the same time, and I tilt my head up to blow the smoke towards the ceiling, but his head remains level with his sight still set on me.

It only takes a few more seconds before we let our eyes journey down each other's bodies, and although I had taken him in out on the main floor, it was like I was doing it for the first time all over again. My head could hardly wrap around the fact that he no longer had some sort of bandana trapped inside his curls, and I could tell with the way his sleeves were rolled up to the creases of his elbows that he had gotten more tattoos over the years.

I'm sure I looked different to him too. My hair was now dark brown, almost black, instead of blonde. My body had truly formed into a woman, causing me to have thicker thighs and a fuller bust. Although my dress covered all of my chest, I knew he could still see the curve to my breasts. He cleared his throat once his eyes made it down to my legs that were still crossed, and he leaned forward to ash his cigarette into the tray.

"So you made it, huh?" He asks, licking over his bottom lip before taking another drag. "You did the whole music thing?"

I scoff slightly, and I can't help but roll my eyes at his statement. "Well, yeah, it was always my dream - my end goal. Just wish that..."

Trailing off, I decide not to finish my sentence as I shake my head. "Doesn't matter," I mumble softly. "What about you? Do you play anymore?

"Well, it would be hard to play considering your parents sold my drumset when they moved out of their home, but even then I wouldn't have wanted it. I still listen to music, but I could never see myself playing again like I did."

Frowning, I ash my own cigarette, leaning forward a bit to rest my wrist on top of my knee - tilting my head to the side. "That's a shame, Harry, you were talented," I tell him honestly, and for the first time I feel my stomach knot up from my nerves. "And my parents assured me that they put the check for the set in your mailbox."

"Oh they did," Harry laughs, running his tongue along the inside of his cheek. "Just another act of charity from them, just like all those years before."

I try to swallow down my anger with his comment, but I can feel my jaw tense. "They never saw you that way, and you know that I never did either. You bought that set with the money you earned from working at the record store. It was yours."

"Yeah, whatever," he shrugs me off with a wave of his hand as he takes an especially long drag.

It grows quiet again, and I finish off my cigarette - putting the butt out in the tray. Leaning back on the couch, I drape my arms across the top of it, and I watch as Harry pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Why are you here, Harry?" I ask, needing him to be straight up with me. I need to know why he chose me coming home to finally acknowledge my existence again.

"Saw your name on the marquee," he said, bringing his hand up to toy with his bottom lip instead, rolling it between the pad of his thumb and his index finger. "Had to make sure that it was you."

"Okay, I guess I'm just a little confused? It's been almost five years. I'm just not understanding how me coming home all of a sudden-"

"What? Do you think there's more to this than me just wanting to confirm that it's you? I'm not here from some type of emotional reunion, Marlowe. Jesus Christ," Harry shakes his head, snuffing his own cigarette out before reaching to grab his pack again.

"Oh, because there's just so many Marlowe Finch's in the world, right?" I ask him, feeling my hands begin to tremble as I drop them down onto the cushions beside me to cup the edge of the couch. "You just had to confirm it was me?"

"I don't know what kind of answer you're looking for here, but whatever it is, you're not getting it from me," Harry laughs darkly, his eyes completely avoiding me now.

Gritting my teeth, I stand from the couch and reach out to snatch his pack of cigarettes from his hand. "You owe me a fucking explanation," I seethe, tears beginning to burn in my eyes from how furious I'm feeling. "Do you understand what you've put me through?"

Harry rolls his eyes and I see a smirk take over his expression as he looks at the wall over my shoulder instead of looking at me. His lips roll, and I can tell that he's slightly sucking his teeth.

"Is something funny?" I lean down to block his view of the wall, and for the first time ever, I see a darkness in his green eyes.

It almost knocks the wind out of me as he's never looked at me with such a gaze, and he sits up from his slightly slouched position in his chair.

"Yeah, there is," he states, standing up, and he takes the pack back from me. "The fact that you think that I owe you anything. Whatever you went through after I told you I didn't want to be friends with you anymore is on you. I should've done it years prior, but you were clinging to me so hard and-"

"Don't you dare fucking finish that sentence," I grit at him, tugging the pleather gloves off my hands as they were growing too clammy for my liking. I toss them onto the couch behind me, and I walk forward so my chest is flush with his. "I was clinging to you? Harry, we only had each other until we found Kailey and Mikey, and then after that you found Sierra. But Sierra didn't really matter either, right? You were sick of her too from what you said. I just don't understand why you completely erased me from your life like you did. I tried to go to your house a month after you left and-"

"You know I never liked you going to my house," Harry's voice lowers, and I feel him buck his chest up against mine a little more. "My mum told me that you stopped by like you did, and that was stupid."

"I didn't have any other choice! You made me feel like I was losing my mind! Fuck - I feel like I'm losing it again right now. Even after five years, you still find a way to mess with my fucking head just by being in my presence for ten minutes," I gasp, moving away from him as my hands tangle into my hair. I begin to pace my dressing room, heart thumping in its cavity.

"I told you I wanted to see if it was you, and that's that. There's nothing more to it, and once I leave here tonight it'll be just like it has been. We won't see each other, we still won't be friends. Eventually you'll forget that you ever saw me again."

Tears wet my cheeks as I look back over to him, and I shake my head. "That's the thing, Harry, I won't. There's hardly been any time that I haven't thought of you over these years, and there's no way that this isn't going to stick just like all the other memories."

Harry steps towards me again, and I look up as his eyes bounce all over my face. "Then wake the fuck up, Marlowe, and learn to properly forget about me."

I open my mouth to speak again, but Harry's already turned around - making his way out of the dressing room. He slams the door behind him, and I quickly clamp a hand over my mouth to keep myself from sobbing out. I don't want anyone to hear me like this. I don't know if Lys is still here, but if she is, I know she'll find some way to have Harry's head if she hears me. I'm also really not in the mood to have someone comforting me.

Maybe I really had been fooling myself after all these years, thinking that he was missing me just as much as I was missing him. I couldn't blame him for coming tonight if his true reason was just to confirm that it was me - I'd probably do the same if the situations were reversed.

But what I didn't expect from Harry was the darkness that was surrounding him. That definitely wasn't the same person I knew, and at this point he was truly unrecognizable to me. The moment those green eyes turned into nothing but flourishing ivy I once held so dear - I knew he was never going to come back to me as the same old Harry. He doesn't want to come back at all.

Part of me thinks this is what I needed. I needed to see him as a stranger in order to completely move on from the past, and to actually let him go. But I know that as much as I try to convince myself of that, there is always going to be a small sliver inside that still wishes to hold him close, and to be able to call him my friend.

My therapist told me that your mind and your emotions work closely together in the most mysterious ways, and even though you may not even notice, they fight each other for dominance more than you think. I was told that my emotions usually end up winning, and that's what can cause me to go days without leaving my bed, or what can have me shutting myself away in the studio for weeks on end. She provided me with proper exercises to try and help clear things up when these struggles start to happen, and I know that when I get home tonight I'm going to have to dive into several of them to help overcome the way I'm currently feeling.

Once I collect myself, I slip out of my dress and accessories before pulling on a pair of leggings and some Doc Martens with an oversized black hoodie. I gathered everything that was mine in the dressing room, and walked out to my car, piling it all into the trunk. I've been in LA for a few days now, and yesterday I went ahead and purchased a car since I knew I was going to be here for several months at the very least.

I slide into the driver's seat, and I grasp the wheel as I start towards my new home.

During the car ride, it's like I've resorted back to those days right after Harry left. I don't play any music as I drive, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions until I can curl up under the covers of my bed and try to block out the thoughts bouncing back and forth in my mind.

If my mind was making one thing extremely clear though, it was that LA was going to be even more different than I thought when I left those years ago, and I'm not entirely sure if i'm prepared for that.

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sweetcarrotsandroses97 · 1 year

Text

Summer | JJK

Hello Darlings!!!

Pairing: royal guard!Jungkook x princess!Reader, prince!Jimin x princess!Reader (ft. Yoongi & Hoseok)

Summary: In which you, princess of the Gyeongdong Dynasty, were in the middle of wedding plans. An arranged marriage that would guarantee your father's bloodline to stay on the throne.

Or in which you are assigned a new royal guard that swore to protect you with his life. Jeon Jungkook. That's his name. A name you could never forget. A name that, slowly but surely got engraved not only on your memories but also in your heart.

Love, politics, betrayal and desire. All in ancient history. A love that never should have happened, two souls that wouldn't be allowed to be together.

Warnings: angst, fluff, talks of arranged marriage, eating, love, historical au, forbidden love, betrayal, royal au, more angst (prepare yourself for it), ancient traditions. (I think that's all, if I forgot to mention something and you consider I should put it here, please let me know!)

Word Count: 9.4k

*A/N Hello everyone, thank you for giving this story a chance. This is my first time posting for Jungkook in here so I really hope you'll like this first chapter of my four-chaptered series. If you liked this, please let me know in the comments!! I'd also like to know your thoughts for the next part :)

*Banner made by me.

The sun was shining outside the big halls of the palace, the golden rays kissed the freshly cut grass and illuminated the place beautifully. How you wished you could go out there and sit under a tree, enjoy the warmth of the season and live without a care in the world.

However, you found yourself only wishing to do those things as your eyes stared out of one of the many opened windows of the palace, watching how the guards paced from place to place while the maids carried important things.

"Your highness, which silk would you like for your wedding dress?"

That brought you out of your thoughts, turning your gaze down to where one of the maids was presenting you with different kinds of silk but to you, they all looked the same. It was getting tiring having to decide so many things for a wedding that would be celebrated up until winter.

There was so much to do in such little time. And it was stressing you out not only because of the time but you weren't enjoying the preparations at all. This wasn't what you wanted, you didn't even know who your husband was going to be and that just wasn't right. If your father arranged your marriage the least he could offer was to know who your soon-to-be husband was going to be and get to know him as best as possible.

"I can't decide. I'll leave it to your professional opinion."

You said to the royal seamstress, she bowed at you and said, her eyes glued on the floor as you stood up from where you were sitting.

"I'm honoured, your highness."

A small smile graced your lips before you made your way out of the room, your dress trailing behind you as you left the place without another word.

A sigh escaped your lips once you were outside of your room, the sun kissed your skin delicately as you kept your gaze forward, admiring the beautiful gardens of the palace.

You still couldn't grasp the fact that you were going to get married in a couple of months. It was just way too sudden that your brain hadn't processed the information yet.

Every week, you were allowed to leave the palace for a day followed by guards and only able to walk around certain parts of the city. The people welcomed you with smiles and open arms each and every time you visited the city. You, the princess of Gyeongdong, were loved by the people and they couldn't wait for you to be their queen.

But since your engagement was announced, you leaving the palace was out of the map now. Your father couldn't risk something happening to you when the wedding was so close, furthermore, you were his only daughter after your mother passed away after giving birth to you, your father's princess as well as the kingdom's next ruler.

"Princess!"

You turned around at the sound of the voice of one of your closest people in the palace. The royal counsellor's son and a dear friend of yours, Jung Hoseok.

When he arrived next to you a smile was painted over his lips, he bowed down at you making you frown a bit.

"Stop it, I've told you many times before that you don't have to bow in front of me."

He chuckled, his hands behind his back as he straightened back up.

"Yes, I have. There are so many guards and court ladies that could see and that wouldn't be good for me, princess."

You sighed at his answer. He had said it time and time again but you just wanted to have a normal friendship, was that too much to ask? Maybe it was. At least for now.

"I'm sorry, you are right. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble because me."

Hoseok smiled and that made a small smile paint over your own lips. That was a power only he had, he would smile and it would make you smile too.

"It's alright, I can be sneaky when I want. Especially to the kitchen. They never know when I was there."

That made you let out a snort before laughing completely. Forgetting about proper manners or who could be watching you at the moment, you just lived that fragment of time. Enjoy it how it should be enjoyed.

"Speaking of..."

He continued, bringing his hands in front of him only for you to notice the small package covered with white fabric. You smiled widely at him.

"...I managed to sneak out some fish-shaped pastries."

You let out a squeal while Hoseok unwrapped the package and opened the lid for you to see he had bought your favourite dessert.

"Thank you, Hobi! I've been craving this since last week!"

With that, you took one and immediately began eating it, savouring the sweet flavour inside your mouth as you closed your eyes for a moment.

"Why didn't you just order for the maids to bring some pastries to your room, your highness?"

You sighed, swallowing the sweet treat only for then to say, your joyous face turning slightly sombre when the bubble of happiness was suddenly popped with reality.

"I am not allowed to eat anything like this, at least not until my wedding day. King's orders."

Hoseok's eyes widened in surprise at your words. Panic flared through his features as he came to the sudden realisation that he was disobeying the king's direct order. He looked around frantically, searching for people nearby that had witnessed him giving you the pastries while you continued to munch on another bite of the sweet treat.

The next thing he did, however, made your eyes widen as the remainder of the fish-shaped sweet was taken from your hand rather abruptly only for Hoseok to throw it in his mouth at the end. It all happened too fast you were left staring at your best with a dumbfounded face.

"Yah! Why did you d-"

You cut your sentence when you spotted one of the court ladies followed by a group of maids appearing in your peripheral vision. You quickly straightened your back while Hoseok hid the package he was holding behind his back, swallowing the remains of the pastry he took from your hands.

The court lady bowed when she stood in front of you, the other maids mirroring her actions. When she stood back up, she said, her voice cold and her attitude as strict as always.

"My Lady, His Majesty; The King, has requested your presence at the main hall."

You curtsided softly, a soft smile on your face.

"Thank you, I shall go there immediately."

And with that, you turned around and began walking along the large gardens with Hobi following you at a proper distance. When you rounded a corner and were out of the court lady's sight, you sighed. Hoseok caught up to you and you smiled at him.

"Thanks, Hobi."

Those whispered words made him smile, he looked back before saying.

"I should probably go back, I'll see you later, princess."

You nodded at him with a soft smile over your beautiful features and he bowed slightly at you only for then to fast-walk to the opposite direction from where you stood. You were left alone again and took a deep breath before you continued on your way to the throne room where your presence was requested.

"Her highness, princess Lee (y/n), has entered the main hall!"

The eunuch announced, you walked towards the throne with your hands clasped in front of you, your head low as you made your way across the place.

"You wished to see me, Your Majesty?"

You said, you gaze glued to the floor after you bowed at your father. He chuckled a bit, before saying.

"Princess (y/n), your fiancé, Prince of the Park family will be visiting us this autumn, the wedding will be held here, in the royal palace. I expect you to behave accordingly, dearest."

You bowed to him, not surprised at all with the news as you were already aware that the man you were going to marry was coming to stay at the palace, thanks to one of the maids who eavesdropped a conversation between two of the court ladies.

"I will do as you wish, Your Majesty."

He nodded, allowing you to retreat back to your room. The moment you were out of the main hall you let out a deep sigh. This was it. You were really getting married by the end of the year. You just hoped that the Prince of the Park family would be a nice person and would treat you right. Perhaps there would be no love in that marriage, you didn't expect it at all but the least you could get was the rightful place as his wife and Queen of Gyeongdong.

It was unfair, yes. Had you hoped to meet your only true love while being a child, of course but that wasn't your story anymore. You weren't a princess that needed to be rescued by a charming man only for then to fall in love. You had a duty with the kingdom, with your father and with yourself.

This marriage had to happen, even if you didn't totally approve of it. It was something that had to be done and there was no turning back.

"The Princess is getting married this winter."

The announcement made the royal guards look towards their superior as he stood at the doorway of the place they were having dinner.

"Her Highness is so lucky."

"She is marrying a Prince."

"Obviously, she is really beautiful."

"I wish I could get someone as beautiful as the Princess."

These and more murmurs could be heard in the room where all the guards enjoyed their warm food. But then, their superior, Captain Min Yoongi said, his voice back to its commanding tone.

"Yah! I didn't tell you all this for you to fantasise about your non-existent love life. This is important, the Princess needs to be guarded with more attention now that the wedding is close to the agreed date. Now, finish all your dinner and we will begin with the night's patrol in a couple of minutes."

With that, the captain left the place. Going back to his own personal quarters until it was time for the patrolling.

Meanwhile, at the guard's dinner table, the murmurs and comments didn't stop.

"They say Her Highness is marrying the Prince of the Park family."

"No, no, no, you heard it wrong. She is marrying the Kim's family first born. I heard they are the wealthiest family after the royal family in all of Gyeongdong."

You paced back and forth in your room. Tomorrow was the day that you usually went down to the city and left the confinement of the palace. But now, you were prohibited from leaving the royal grounds. The hot summer air entered through the opened windows and you stopped pacing. It would be of no use if you tried to convince the head court lady to let you go out.

She would immediately tell your father and that wouldn't do any good. Right now, you don't need any more prohibitions, what you needed was to get out of the place, just for a day. Clear your head from all the wedding plans and stuff that was forced into you.

You sat down with a huff, your skirts puffing out with your action. There was no-one that would take you out of the place tomorrow as they'd all fear the consequences if they got caught.

Perhaps I can beg father one last time. I'll beg on my knees if I have to.

With that thought in mind, you stood up from your crouching position and grabbed one of the lanterns in your room before you left the comfortable place and walked along the gardens, the lantern illuminating your path as you made your way to the King's palace.

"Your Majesty, Princess (y/n) has requested an audience with you. She said it was urgent."

Said the king's personal royal guard. He then told him after taking a sip from his cup of tea.

"Let her in."

The guard bowed and walked towards the closed doors, he opened the entrance way and you entered your father's room. Your head hung low. When you found yourself standing in front of him with the table with his dinner being the only thing between you both, you commented in a soft voice.

"Your Majesty, forgive me for coming here late at night but I have a request to make you."

The king sighed, putting his small cup on the table and giving you his complete attention.

"Go on."

You gulped, preparing the words you were about to say. It was now or never.

"I... I wish to go down to the city tomorrow."

You heard him take a deep breath and you screwed your eyes shut. Had you been, perhaps, too direct with your petition?

"We have already discussed this. I will not let you leave this place until you are married. Go back to your room."

His words made you feel hopeless, trapped in a cage. A golden cage. A lump began forming in your throat due to his harsh tone but you wouldn't back away that easily. Your father's eyes widened when you sank down on your knees, your eyes leaving the ground only to lock them with the man who raised you.

"Please. I beg you. I'm not asking you this as the Princess and future Queen of Gyeongdong but as your daughter. I feel trapped here, it's suffocating. I promise I'll behave completely when the Prince and his family come to the palace but I plead to you to let me enjoy the little time I have as an unmarried woman.

I promise I won't disappoint you, father. Please, don't keep me here like a trophy. Please just let me go out once a week. That's all I'm asking."

There was silence after you finished, a silence that was beginning to feel asphyxiating. There was no noise that could be heard, not even the rustling of the wind outside and you could swear that you'd be able to hear a drop of ink landing on the ground with how silent the atmosphere had suddenly gone.

"Go back to your room, (y/n). I don't want to discuss this any further."

You let out a defeated sigh, blinking back the tears that had gathered in your (e/c) eyes. Standing up, you bowed at your father and said before leaving the room.

"Goodnight, Your Majesty."

When you found yourself back in your room was when you finally let your tears go. The lantern you were carrying was left abandoned near the entrance way as you made your way to your bed setting. You didn't even bother to change from your dress and laid down over the soft covers.

You already knew that once you got married you wouldn't be able to leave the palace unless it was some kind of political matter that would require your presence otherwise you'd stay in the palace grounds forever.

And now, when you had the chance of enjoying the last remains of your time alone, your father prohibited it. The tears rolled down your cheeks as you curled yourself under the blankets, the tears were a reflection of your anger and sadness but mostly a feeling of hopelessness that had settled in your heart since the news of your engagement was announced.

You didn't know when exactly you fell asleep but when you opened your eyes again, you were met with your room illuminated by the early sun rays. You sat up and rubbed the sleep from your eyes, when you stood up you heard one of your personal damsels say from the outside of your room.

"Your Highness, your new clothes are ready."

Walking towards the entrance way, you opened the door and let the maid as well as two more women who always assisted her in dressing you inside the place you had slept last night.

One of the three women inside began arranging your bed setting while another one displayed your clothes for the day. You had to admit it was a beautiful dress with a deep blue purple and puffy skirt and a white top which had details in light blue. The silk of the dress seemed soft at the touch and you could swear it was as all your dresses were made with the best fabrics of Gyeongdong.

"My Lady, can we assist you in getting ready for today?"

The maid who had spoken not even five minutes ago outside of your room asked, her voice was gentle and she kept her gaze lowered. Her words triggered something inside you. What was the point in getting ready if no-one was going to see such fine clothes? No-one, other than the people at the palace saw you walk around the gardens so, was it really worth it using these clothes when all you did was stay inside all day?

No.

That was what you answered to yourself. It wasn't fair, it wasn't needed. It wasn't worth it. You were deep in thought as you let the three maids dress you up with the beautiful dress that was, indeed, very soft to the touch.

When you came out of your thoughts, you were sitting on the floor as delicate fingers ran through your hair, combining it and styling it properly. Just as the maid was about to put a couple of pins in your hair, another one of the damsels suddenly said, making you look up from your lap.

"Princess, His Majesty is coming here!"

You stood up, dusting off your skirts only for then to go to the door. The three maids followed you. When you opened the entrance way and found yourself in the doorway of your own palace you saw how your father stood in the garden in front of your door. Captain Min stood at his right as four other guards stayed behind the King.

You bowed, your damsels mirroring your action until you spoke in a clear yet emotionless voice.

"Good morning, Your Majesty. What can I do for you this early in the morning?"

The king let out a deep breath, you lifted your head and looked at your father, your hands clasped together in front of you.

"I am assigning you a personal royal guard,"

That instantly caught your attention, the look in your eyes changing to one of hope upon hearing that sentence.

"only with him by your side are you allowed to leave the palace grounds."

You had to bite down on your bottom lip to suppress the smile that threatened to grow on your face.

"First Officer Jeon,"

Your father named out and one of the four guards stepped at the front, kneeling in front of his king. From your perspective, you could tell he was tall and well built, you stood in the doorway without moving, expecting your father's next words.

"you are to keep the princess safe until the day you die. Her safety is in your hands. You must accompany her to wherever she wishes to go and never let her out of your sight. That is your duty as the princess' personal royal guard."

The man you came to know his name was Officer Jeon then said, his voice low and certain of his next words.

"I swear no harm will ever fall upon Her Highness as long as my heart is beating. I'll protect her with my life."

You swallowed at his words, the severity of his vow downing on you.

"Very well, stand up Officer Jeon. Princess (y/n), you are now free to leave the palace just remember the rules, I don't want you going out everyday or staying out until late at night."

You bowed once more, a wide smile over your lips.

"I appreciate your generosity, Your Majesty. I promise to follow the rules to the fullest."

The king chuckled and you straightened up, a gleam of happiness in your eyes.

"Very well then, I shall take my leave."

You all bowed as the king left, Captain Min Yoongi and the other three guard following him as they began discussing some plans of safety for Gyeongdong but your mind couldn't care about their strategies at the moment as the happiness of going out once more clouded any other thought that could cross your mind.

First Officer Jeon turned around, facing you. You smiled at him before looking at one of the maids that were smiling among themselves.

"Bring me my outer robe and small handbag, please."

"Right away, Your Highness."

The damsel quickly went inside your room to fetch the items you just requested, in the meantime you turned towards the man whose duty was to protect you at all costs. He was looking across the garden, perhaps he hadn't been this much in this part of the palace. You thought to yourself.

The summer outer robe in white silk was placed over your shoulders and you grabbed the bag from the maid's hand. You thanked her before skipping along the small steps until your feet landed on the green grass that covered the outside territory of your palace.

"Shall we go, Officer Jeon?"

You walked down the first steps of the palace, the main gate opened and you felt like you could suddenly breathe again. A sigh escaped your lips as you ventured through the gate and out of the palace, a golden prison.

Your personal guard was trailing behind you, keeping a proper distance between you both. You watched him from the corner of your eyes, approaching the city as you two walked towards it.

"You can walk next to me, you know?"

First Officer Jeon looked at the back of your head upon hearing those words.

"That wouldn't be proper of me, Princess."

You pouted slightly before you turned to face him while still walking backwards to the city. His eyes widened a bit at your action and took in how care-free you looked.

"But what if someone attacks me and you are standing behind me? You should always walk by my side."

A soft smile was plastered over your features while still facing him. However, he ignored what you said and commented, his voice a bit more distant than before.

"You will trip if you walk like that."

It was a statement rather than a possibility and that had you frowning up at him. If he was going to be like this then your little trips to the city and nearby villages were going to be a bit dull, at least until you got to your desired destination.

"I won't! I don't lik-"

But your sentence got cut off when, just as he predicted, you tripped with a small rock. You gasped when you felt your body being pulled down to the ground by gravity, the heavy skirts of your dress not allowing you to gain back your footing.

It was only when you felt a firm hand grasping yours and a pull over your body when you were back on your feet.

"I told you you would trip over."

Officer Jeon said, his voice cold and distant but you were able to catch a tinge of humour behind his words. A soft blush painted your cheeks when you realised he was still holding your hand in his surprisingly warm one.

Out of a sudden you felt shy, retrieving your hand from his grasp and taking a couple of steps away from him as you hadn't noticed just how close the two of you were a mere second ago.

"That... that was- it wouldn't... aish. I don't like for people to walk behind me, I feel like I'm being followed. Just... just do me the favour, could you? Just walk next to me, I promise you won't get in trouble."

He sighed, looking around before agreeing with a silent nod.

"And, thanks by the way. For not letting me fall down."

He bowed slightly, the both of you continuing your path down to the city.

"I was just doing my work, Princess."

You had to bite down on your lip to keep the smile from shining all over your face. He indeed took that vow to heart. You thought. Looking up at him, you noticed just how handsome your personal guard was and a warm sensation spread all over your body.

"So... tell me. What's your name? How would you like me to call you?"

Your question made him look down at you for a split second but you continued to watch him with curiosity. If he was going to always be with you, at least you could be friends?

"I am the First Officer of the Royal Guards, Jeon Jungkook. You can call me as you please, My Lady."

Jeon Jungkook.

You had to admit the name suited him. You blinked at him and said with a smile, more of asked him though.

"Is it okay if I call you just by your first name?"

Jungkook kept his gaze straight forward as he answered your question.

"As I told you, Princess, you may call me as you please."

You smiled at him, some silence falling between you both. It was a comfortable one and you just knew that you and Jungkook would get along pretty well. You could feel it.

"It's the Princess!"

A villager exclaimed when he caught sight of you with your royal guard walking by your side.

"She's back!"

"Her Highness has arrived!"

This and more exclamations were heard among the people that were suddenly surrounding you and Jungkook. You gave a sweet smile to all the people who greeted you and bowed respectfully at you, their Princess.

Jungkook was alert, keeping an eye on you while checking the place. The crowd began getting bigger and bigger and to him, that only meant the risk of something happening that could put your safety on the line was increasing.

He had never seen the people from the city so enthusiastic about someone, however he could tell you were really loved by Gyeongdong's citizens.

With a smile, you received the little gifts from the people all while Jungkookk never left your side. You could feel how tense he was when there were too many people around you but, even if you had only met him that same morning, you felt safe with him.

You knew that as long as he was next to you, no harm would come over you. It was strange but for some reason, he radiated that sense of protection.

Later that day, you sat under a wide tree located in the middle of the village, Jungkook was standing at your left side, his eyes scanning the area like a hawk. You opened one of the bags you were gifted that a kind, older woman had given you. A smile was painted over your face when your eyes landed on the fish-shaped pastries you loved so much.

Jungkook looked down at you as you giggled softly and began eating the sweet treat.

"You can sit down, you know?"

You voiced out after having swallowed the pastry. When you looked up you found him already looking at you.

"And don't say "it's not proper" you can sit down and still keep me safe."

Jungkook sighed, of course it was not proper for him to sit next to you however, your care-free spirit slowly but surely got to him and he was about to crouch down on the floor next to you. But how could he? He was just your royal guard, people could misunderstand his actions for wanting something from you which wasn't true. He had one duty and that was to protect you at all costs but it seemed you were making it difficult with your soft aura and kind spirit and it was just the first day with this new job.

"No, Princess. I must stay here, I have a place next to you and that is as your royal guard."

Now it was your time to sigh, you knew he was right but was it really that harmful to just try to be friends with him? Perhaps he viewed it that way but you couldn't help it, you had been so alone your entire life that it was only natural for you to try and establish some kind of relationship in terms of friendship.

"I'm sorry. You are right."

With that, you stood up, not feeling in the mood to stay there any longer.

"You don't have to apologise, Princess. It is, after all, my job."

Another sigh escaped your lips as you began walking along the path that led to the palace. Jungkook following you from behind and he couldn't help but think how his action ruined the enthusiastic mood you were in some hours ago however, he knew it was necessary to set the boundaries since the very beginning otherwise something harmful could happen between him and you, the lonely princess who was destined to be queen and possessed a big heart.

When you were back at the palace, Jungkook made sure to escort you to your room but as you were about to enter the place, you turned to him and said, a soft smile over your lips though not as wide as when the both of you had parted from the royal grounds.

"Thank you for coming with me to the city."

He bowed down at you, not saying a word. When he straightened back up he was met with the sight of you holding a small bag towards him.

"You can have them, you looked like you wanted some of them. I won't be able to finish them all anyway."

Jungkook took the bag from your hand hesitantly, his fingers brushing yours for a split second before the contact was broken.

"I appreciate your generosity, Princess. Rest well."

You smiled a little wider at him, your hands clasping in front of you.

"You rest as well, Jungkook."

With that being said you entered your room, sliding the door shut. Only when Jungkook saw that you had closed the door did he begin walking back to his own room.

He let out a deep breath as he sat on the floor, the little bag you had given him before going back to your room was still in his hand and he couldn't help but open the small package. Surprised struck Jungkook when he saw the fish-shaped pastries inside. Had he been too obvious when he looked at you while you ate them? Maybe he was.

A soft smile adorned his handsome face as he took one out and began eating it. He had never before met you in person, he had never before been in your presence and certainly not that close as today but he couldn't deny that the Princess of Gyeongdong was a kind-hearted woman, blessed with her mother's beauty and her father's intelligence.

As he finished the pastry, he couldn't help but think that his words were a little harsh to you. You were only being friendly with him but he was afraid he could get you in trouble for such indecencies. But if you didn't mind him being that close to you, was it really a problem?

He recalled all the times he had seen you. From afar. And you always looked to be quite lonely for the future queen of Gyeongdong. You were always immersed in yourself and, even in those countable memories he had of you before he became your personal guard, your eyes seemed to sparkle when someone talked to you, when someone, anyone, brought you out of your little bubble of loneliness.

You had been extremely happy that morning when you got to know he was going to be accompanying you to the city and Jungkook couldn't describe the way your eyes had lit up when you found out he was going to be around you until you got married, maybe even after that.

Perhaps there was still time to change your perspective of him, maybe he could get you to open a bit to him. Yes, he was supposed to protect you but that didn't mean only physical harm but emotional pain too. If what you needed was some company afterall, he was more than capable of giving you that.

He would try, he had to. Jungkook couldn't picture you, the sweet Princess, not smiling at all. It was one of your many beautiful qualities. And maybe, he could be the person you needed to bring you out of your self-absorbed world.

Besides, he didn't intend to be involved with you, not even in friendship. So, was there a problem at all?

One Month Later

It was early in the morning when Jungkook found himself walking towards your room. His own bedroom was close to yours in case anything happened. Well, as close as it was proper for it to be. He made his way through a path he now knew by memory as every day, for the past month, he had waited for you outside of your room only to never leave your side throughout the day up until it was nighttime and the both of you had to part ways.

Jungkook could tell that you were now more relaxed in his presence than the beginning, even if you had seemed okay at first when he practically was glued to you, now it was so normal to you that you even felt strange in those rare moments when he wasn’t with you.

He also kept his own promise, he set the boundaries with you and the pair of you existed as just that, employer and employee. He was meant to protect, you were the one he needed to protect. That was it. Or at least that was what Jungkook told himself every night before going to sleep.

When he stopped by your room, he got surprised, nearly alarmed as you weren’t there and the door was opened. He cursed under his breath and turned around, already with some places in mind to search for you until he spotted one of the maids.

As he approached her, he noticed it was the woman who always helped you get dressed in the mornings, she also did your hair and makeup for the day.

"Excuse me, is Her Highness in the royal grounds? I just came here but she isn't in her room."

The damsel put down her basket that had in it clean, white sheets and replayed almost immediately as she could sense Jungkook's panic laced voice.

"She is in the practice grounds. Or at least that's what she commented this morning."

Jungkook thanked the kind maid before jogging off to the practice grounds of the palace.

The moment he arrived, he was met with a swishing sound across the air followed by a muttered curse. Peaking over through some bushes, Jungkook sighted you standing in the middle of the place, a bow in your left hand while the other held an arrow.

You were wearing a fine and beautiful dress with a white skirt and light pink top all made in expensive silk. Jungkook watched you shoot another arrow to the target mark, your eyes focused and you breathing even. Your posture could be improved but you had gotten the hang of it. He watched as you took a deep breath before letting go of the arrow and he couldn't help but watch not your actions but you.

He admired how beautiful you looked dressed in such fine clothes, with your hair styled to perfection and how you carried yourself. He watched how your left hand gripped the bow tightly up until your knuckles turned white, such delicate hands that he had seen holding unharmful items like a paintbrush or a book, were now holding a dangerous and powerful weapon, if used correctly.

As the arrow travelled through the air, time seemed to go in slow motion as he watched a couple of rebellious strands of hair fly slightly with the movement. But his trance was broken when the arrow landed a couple of feet away from the target mark, on the ground.

A frustrated sigh escaped your lips as you walked towards where other arrows rested. Ignoring the quantity of how many arrows you had already fired and now rested on the floor, you positioned the arrow in your bow and prepared yourself to fire it.

"You need to relax, Princess."

The sudden voice said from behind you startled you causing the arrow to fall on the ground before you even had the chance to fire it. A gasp escaped your lips as you turned around only to be met with Jungkook who approached your figure with calculated steps.

He was wearing his usual uniform in a deep shade of blue, a sword attached to a belt that hugged his waist but something about his presence that morning intrigued you.

"You scared me."

Was your statement once he stood at arms length. He looked down at you and you held his strong gaze.

"I apologise, Your Highness. I didn't mean to."

You relaxed and let out a defeated sigh.

"You have good skills but your posture can be improved."

At Jungkook's words you lifted your gaze, meeting his dark brown eyes with your own once more. He gestured towards your bow with his chin and asked, his voice gentle like a summer breeze.

"May I?"

You nodded, handing him your bow. The warmth of his fingers brushed yours and you had to bite back a smile. He crouched down and picked up the arrow that had fallen from your grasp a moment ago.

Jungkook positioned himself and you watched his every move.

"You are too tense while holding the bow, if your hold is firm but at the same time gentle it will give you stability."

You listened carefully to his explanations as your eyes were glued to him and for the first time since he became your personal guard were you able to admire him. Properly admire him.

Your gaze landed on his focused face, on how his eyes were put on the target mark and nothing else. Then, you travelled to his lips and marvelled on the way he was pulling back the arrow until it touched the corner of his lips softly. His jawline was defined as if it had been sculpted by the gods.

His broad shoulders carried years of training and you could see how his muscles could be traced even with more than one layer of clothing. His veiny hands held the bow and the arrow with expertise and you found yourself trapped in a trance in which only Jungkook existed.

He fired the arrow, hitting the target in its centre. You looked amazed at the clean shot he did and he commented, giving you back your bow.

"Would you like to try again, Princess?"

You nodded and took the bow. Jungkook walked where the rest of the arrows were and picked one up. He handed it to you and you took it softly from his grasp. You positioned the arrow and prepared yourself to shoot.

You silently gasped when you felt a large hand over your left one, the one holding the bow and it took you less than a second to realise it was Jungkook who was guiding you. You smelled his scent from behind you and felt the light pressure of his body at your back but it wasn't uncomfortable, on the contrary, you felt safe being this close to him. It was... Soothing, to say the least.

"You need to relax your hand a bit more."

Following his instructions, he smiled.

"Good, now take a deep breath. Straighten up a bit more and concentrate."

You did as you were told, closing your eyes and relishing in the comfort Jungkook provided. The warm feeling of his hand over yours was nearly overwhelming. The moment you opened your eyes again, the only thing you could focus on was on the target. Letting go of the arrow, it travelled through the air with a mute noise and landed directly on the mark.

A gasp left your lips and Jungkook let go of your hand just as you turned around and looked up at him. Your smile showed pure happiness, a happiness he was responsible for and for some reason, that settled a spark of proudness in his chest.

"I wasn't aware that you knew archery."

He lifted an eyebrow, almost in a teasing way.

"I am a royal guard, Princess. Of course I know how to shoot an arrow."

You laughed at his words. Stupid, of course he would know that. You scolded yourself inwardly, thoughts masked by a soft smile.

"Do you have any plans for today, My Lady?"

His question brought you out of your embarrassing state and you let out a sigh upon remembering what you had to do today.

"Not much really. I don't think I'll be able to visit the city today. The King ordered a seamstress to make a new dress for me, for my birthday ceremony."

Jungkook nodded, walking to a nearby bench only for then to sit down, all while keeping an eye on you as you practised your archery skills for a little more time.

"Isn't your birthday in autumn, Princess?"

You looked up at Jungkook while he kept his gaze glued to the front.

"Yes but the King prepares everything with so much anticipation as you may already know, the day I was born was when other events occurred at the same time like the Queen's passing and Gyeongdong's victory against the Jejin kingdom in the north."

He looked down at you only to lock his eyes with you and he was able to read the sadness behind your explanation. Jungkook couldn't imagine just how lonely your life had been, with your mother dying in childbirth and formally meeting your father when you were three when he returned from the war.

He knew you suffered as a child even when you were the Princess and had access to whatever you wanted at any time of the day. A lonely girl with a planned future. He knew you were to become Queen in winter, the ceremony occurring the same day as your wedding day was scheduled.

"Have you ever met him?"

His question made you blink, parting your gaze from his penetrating brown orbs.

"No. I've never met the Prince I was promised in marriage. But I guess that's how arranged marriages work, don't they?"

A humourless chuckle followed your words and Jungkook could easily tell that you didn't want to get married, at least not in this way.

When the both of you arrived to where the seamstress was waiting for you, Jungkook stood in the farthest corner of the room making himself invisible as the kind lady began taking your measurements and explained to you what kind of fabrics you were allowed to wear for your wedding day.

You picked everything with a dull expression, already tired of all the wedding preparations. Your eyes drifted here and there toward Jungkook, secretly hoping that he would also look at you but his gaze was lost in the place. He kept his head low and never did he make it for you both to lock eyes, even when he felt your gaze over him from time to time.

-ambience-

"Hobi, are you alright? I haven't seen you for nearly two weeks!"

You whispered-shouted at your best friend. It was early in the morning, so early that the sun wasn't out yet, the sky was still dark and silence drowned the palace. You stood outside of your room still wearing your sleeping clothes, your bare feet touching the fresh grass as Hoseok had woken you at such an hour saying that there was something important he needed to tell you.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me, Princess. There's something you need to know,"

Even in the darkness, with the only source of light being a small paper lantern he carried in his left hand, you could see the seriousness behind Hoseok's words, whatever he was about to tell you was, indeed, important.

You signalled him to continue and he said, his tone low, words carried with the hot summer breeze of the early hours.

"I've been away for sometime because I travelled with my father to the North. As you may know, the news of your wedding with the Prince of the Park family had reached every town of the country but suspicious activity was reported to His Majesty a month ago."

Now that was definitely urgent for you to know. There was someone that was organising something. Something bad.

"That's where Jejin was situated before my father conquered it, isn't it?"

Hobi nodded, his usually cheerful eyes now filled with worry. Worry for you, his best friend. For Gyeongdong and for his family. The possibility of war had increased and if the problem didn't get solved not only the royal family would be in danger but all the innocent citizens of Gyeongdong.

"His Majesty suspects that a rebellious group is taking Jejin's place, trying to take the throne which also means stopping your wedding, Princess. The King also believes that the group is being controlled by one of the Ministers."

Your eyes went wide when you heard the last sentence. Was truly a traitor sitting in front of the King in his own palace? You looked around you, suddenly feeling insecure about being in your own room. You realised then that Hobi had spoken of such secret information outside of your room, in the gardens. What if someone heard?

"Let's go inside, it's dangerous for you to be telling me this in the gardens."

Hoseok shook his head, his worried eyes never leaving your figure.

"No, Princess. That would look suspicious if anyone had their eyes on us right now. I only came here tonight to give you fish-shaped pastries."

His words were whispered, even when in the silence you feared they could be heard. The next thing you knew was that he was giving you a package covered by soft fabric, just like every other time he had given you sweets. A forced smile was latched onto his face, trying to make this look as normal as possible.

You eyes the package and slowly took it from his grasp.

"Smile, Princess. I just gave you your favourite treat. Smile and go back to your room and keep smiling until you close the door."

His instructions were said between clenched teeth and airy words, all while keeping the gentle look on his face. You did as instructed though Hobi could tell you were scared, it was reflected in your eyes.

"Thank you for the pastries, you know how much I like them."

With that said, you turned around and walked to your room, your smile never leaving your face. Once in the privacy of your quarters, you sat down on the floor while processing everything Hoseok just said to you.

A traitor.

A traitor in the court.

Marriage.

Jejin.

Traitor.

Danger.

Possibility of war

A traitor.

Your mind kept swirling around those words, not grasping the fact that there was someone who didn't want you to become Queen, who didn't want your father's bloodline to stay on the throne.

You looked at the package Hobi gave you, something inside you telling you that what was inside it were not fish-shaped pastries. You untied the fabric and pulled out the box only to find a letter there. Without giving it much thought, you unfolded it and quickly recognised Hoseok's handwriting.

Princess, there wasn't enough time for me to tell you this but you need to be careful. Captain Yoongi informed me that you now have a personal royal guard to keep you safe, that's good. You can trust him, he is a good man.

You need to stay alert, don't trust anyone other than His Majesty, Captain Yoongi, my father, me and of course Jungkook. He'll keep you safe.

I wish I could tell you everything's going to be alright but I can't be sure, at least not now. You cannot be alone now, please. Stay close to Jungkook, it's for your own safety.

Hobi.

That letter was the last piece of information you needed for realisation to fall upon you. Whatever was happening was dangerous and it threatened your safety.

You felt a sudden urge to go to Jungkook, be near him. He made you feel safe and now, when things could get difficult, for some reason he grounded you from your own thoughts and fears. You could trust him, you knew that since day one. He was going to protect you and that night, you slept with the vow he made to your father about keeping you safe. You were aware that no harm would ever fall over you as long as he was with you.

However, little did you know someone had seen your entire interaction with Hoseok in the gardens. Someone hiding behind the bushes in the darkness of the early morning.

Jungkook rowed the small boat to cross the lake. You sat opposite him, your expression bored as you leaned over one of the edges, your arm supporting your head while your eyes were glued to the crystalline water.

You had barely talked since he went to your room that morning, the usual spark in your eyes was gone, leaving empty yet still beautiful (e/c) orbs behind. You didn't smile as brightly as before, your smile carried a sadness with it, a sorrow.

He wanted to ask you what was wrong, he wanted to know. A part of him needed to know. Jungkook didn't know why he was having such strong needs, such emotions. He was only meant to protect you, to keep you away from harm and that included any type of harm.

Suddenly, he stopped rowing but that didn't make you look up from your lost gaze in the waters.

"Princess,"

You hummed when you heard Jungkook speak to you though you didn't look at him, your eyes continuing to gaze down at the waters below.

"may I ask you a question?"

"You already did."

Was your response. It was dull, something in it ached in between the words. It wasn't normal of you, for as long as Jungkook himself could tell. He sighed, before speaking again.

"Are you alright?"

You blinked when he asked that as you rose yourself from your leaning position over the edge to finally look at your personal guard. Your eyes carried something he had never seen before.

Worry.

It was crystal clear, at least to Jungkook. You were worried about something and, for some strange reason, a reason he didn't know, it worried him too to see you like this. It physically pained him to see you, the care-free and sweet Princess in such a sour mood. Carrying such heavy weights over your shoulders.

You didn't say anything, you couldn't. You were scared, you were worried for the kingdom, for your father, for Hobi, for yourself, for your life. It was too much. Too much to process in a single morning. Too much information that it overwhelmed you to the point of tears watering your eyes.

"Is it something about what the counsellor's son told you this morning?"

You gasped at his statement. Jungkook wasn't going to deny it. Yes, he had seen your interaction with Hoseok that very morning, he had seen the way you smiled when he gave you a small package, even when the gardens were drowning in the darkness of the early hours of the day, he could tell you were smiling thanks to the small source of light that was Hoseok's lantern.

"You didn't have the right to do that. You are my royal guard but you can't invade my privacy like that!"

The way you raised your voice at the end made him mentally curse himself. Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned that.

"I'm sorry, Princess. It was an accident. I didn't mean to spy on you."

You narrowed your eyes at him, somehow deep within you, you knew he was telling the truth but you didn't want to believe him, you didn't want to slide it off. He had invaded your privacy and that was out of the line.

"He went there to give me my pastries. You know I'm not allowed to eat them until my wedding day. Hoseok is my best friend but of course I don't have to give you any explanation of my decisions. You are meant to do a job so just... just do it. Stop trying to always make me happy, life is not like that! Stop it, just... stop it. Please."

Your words crushed his heart, not because of what you said to him but because they only proved his beliefs, something had happened, something that was hurting you.

"You only have to do what you were told to do. You don´t have to care for me, not in this way. You are asking if I'm alright and as you can see, I'm not physically hurt so stop caring so much, you don't have to do it."

The look he gave you the next second was enough for you to know that your words, even though they were cruel, had gotten to him. Tears brimmed at the corner of your eyes and you did your utmost to blink them back. Jungkook stared at you, his jaw clenched and you felt like he wanted to say so many things to you but he was refraining himself.

His eyes bored themselves into yours and in that moment you wished the water would swallow you completely so that you wouldn't face him.

That's good. You have to stay away. You have to stay away from me so that you can't get hurt. Please, Jungkook. Just back off.

You thought to yourself as you continued to watch each other. The atmosphere tensing.

"But... what if I care?"

A tear rolled down your cheek slowly. No, please don't say that. Please... He ran a hand through his hair and looked back at you.

"I care for you, Princess."

You closed your eyes, letting the tears freely fall down your cheeks.

"You can't."

Whispered words reached his ears. Making his heart shake with the need to hold you, promise you that it was going to be alright.

"But I do."

You opened your eyes, looking at Jungkook through blurry vision. His eyes were filled with tears and you felt an ache in your heart at the sight of his tears.

"You weren't supposed to. You were only meant to protect me, Jungkook. That's it, nothing else."

He sighed, his eyes lowering to your trembling hands resting on your lap. He had a sudden urge to hold them. To hold you. To comfort you.

"I know. Love is blind, Princess. No-one gets to choose."

You took a shaky breath, calming yourself a bit only for him to continue.

"I'm sorry, this is all my fault. I'll... I'll accept the punishment for my actions, Your Highness."

He lowered his head, ready to accept whatever consequences there were for his actions. In that moment, Jungkook realised you were untouchable, the forbidden fruit he had come to desire, an expensive and beautiful jewel he could never have.

"No."

At that, he lifted his gaze and looked at you who gazed at him with such hurt in your eyes it forced him to swallow the lump in his throat.

"You are not getting punished for this. No-one should. It... It just happened and I couldn't... I wouldn't be able to see you go."

A tear left his eye, rolling down his cheek while leaving a wet trail over his honey skin.

"I care for you too, Jungkook."

That was the moment the seasons changed. The warm days were over and both you and Jungkook knew that. It was forbidden, it was socially unacceptable, a disgrace.

You were engaged, the Princess who was going to become Queen while he was only your personal guard. Meant to protect you of any harm. But he was just that, a royal guard. A handsome middle-class man caring way more than needed for you, King Lee's only daughter.

He, as well as you, were aware that colder days were to come soon. And just like that, with simple words that revealed each other's heart, the summer days were over.

Four Seasons Taglist: @seokout

May 28/2023

Likes, Reblogs & Comments are really appreciated!!!

~Masterpost

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theredtours · 1 year

Note

Pls spill the tea this is my new niche rabbit hole of knowledge

Anonymous: GIVE ME THE DETAILS BESTIE

Okay, so here's how it all went down, below the cut, because it's a lot:

A couple weeks ago, someone (assuming hiloy, as they're like the main character for the rest of this stuff) had played both All of the Girls and Need over a discord call. A sneaky second person then recorded said discord call and leaked bits of the songs to Twitter.

Cue the insanity. The leaks sent some people into a blind fury trying to find the rest of the song, while also simultaneously upsetting those who had been vaulting it. One such vaulter was, as previously mentioned, hiloy. They then took to a site for leaks and started trying to get a sale going.

Initially, they were trying to get an individual person to buy, but when the price was too astronomical, and after several days of back and forth, hiloy finally settled on allowing a group buy to happen. Now, I've never been part of a group buy before, so naturally, when I was sent a link to the discord server where it was all happening, I was intrigued. Here was my first glimpse at how the trading/selling world works. To stay in the server, everyone had to donate at least $5. The set goal was $2600, and that was going to purchase both "All of the Girls" and "Drama Queen."

Easy peasy, I thought. Man, I was wrong. The server blew up almost immediately, with people threatening the seller, demanding they leak other songs or get reported. Within a matter of hours, people had donated over $1k, and with that, hiloy leaked a small snippet of "Forever Winter," as a treat. Then, the server got nuked.

Thankfully, they had a backup. As soon as the back up was, well, back up, everyone was re-invited and the madness continued. In the middle of it all, "Forever Winter" leaked. While it wasn't true that it was hiloy who had leaked it, the person who did so did it under that name, so HUNDREDS of people flocked to the server to donate. The rest of us just ran with it, saying things like, "Yeah, they leaked it to prove that they have the goods." Was it dishonest? Yeah. But did it work?

Well, we hit the goal within I think like, 10-ish hours? So I'd say so. Everyone was cheering and partying it up in the group chat and then... right afterward, the server was nuked again. And so was the backup. And the backup backup. I then took to the leak site, and tried to get re-entry. I even messaged hiloy on twitter. Everyone just told me to wait for the leak. So overall, I was not impressed and felt pretty scammed. In all honesty though, I felt worse for the big donators. Someone had dropped almost $300 and then lost all access.

Fast forward to today, after a few days' silence (which I am told is pretty normal; transactions apparently usually get converted from funds to crypto), they just... Showed up on the leaks site. But the problem was, "All of the Girls" was not HQ, like it was promised. The backlash was almost immediate, with people calling out hiloy left and right for misinforming the server and trying to scam everyone out of their money. Hiloy then had the nerve to turn around and tell some of the donators that they should be grateful to have even received what they did.

And then all hell broke loose, again. See, the part I didn't tell you was that, provided all went well with this first group buy, hiloy was going to be selling off "Need" and "This is What You Came For (Demo)" to another group buy next. I guess this really unnerved someone else who had them, because basically right afterward, we got the second leak out of nowhere. My best guess was that they leaked "Need" and "TIWYCF" to keep hiloy from being able to make any more profit off those who just want the songs.

I'm sure I missed some of the drama, but that's honestly like the shortest summary I could give of it. It was absolute chaos. Wouldn't have missed it for the world, though.

#basically it's been the most insane weekend/week ever #or at least since 2014 #swiftiemere #ask #text

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secretgamergirl · 6 months

Text

How a Computer Works - Part 3 (Miniaturization and Standardization)

For anyone just joining in, I'm writing a series of posts explaining perhaps haphazardly all there is to know about how a computer works, from the most basic fundamental circuitry components to whatever level of higher functionality I eventually get to. As explained in the first post on this subject, I am doing this just in pure text, so that if you are inclined you can straight up print these posts out or narrate them onto some audio tape or whatever and have full access to them should every computer in the world suddenly collapse into a pile of dust or something. Part 1 mainly covered the basic mechanical principles of circuitry and how to physically construct a logic gate. Part 2 covered logic gates in detail and how to use them to create a basic working architecture for a general purpose computer. Today we're going to be talking more about what you're looking at when you crack a machine open so you can make sense of all the important fiddly bits and have maybe a starting point on how to troubleshoot things with a multimeter or something.

Before getting into it though, I do have to shake my little donation can again and remind you that I do not know how I am going to get through the winter without becoming homeless, so if this is valuable to you, I'd appreciate some help.

Boards of Bread and Printed Circuits

With the things I've explained so far, you could totally build a computer right now, but it'd be a bit messy. You can totally buy resistors, transistors, capacitors, and diodes by the bagful for basically nothing, and cheap rolls of insulated wire, but there's all these long exposed pins to cut short and soldering things in mid-air is a messy nightmare and you'd just have this big tangle of wires in a bag or something that would almost certainly short out on you. So let's look into ways to organize stuff a little.

If you start playing around with electronics on your own, one of the first things you want to hook yourself up with besides raw components and wires is a breadboard or 12. And if you're watching people explain these things with visual aids, you'll also see a lot of them, so it's good to know exactly what they are and how they work. Your standard breadboard is a brick of plastic with a bunch of little holes in it. Incidentally, the name comes from how the first ones were literally just named after the wooden cutting boards for slicing bread people recycled to make them. Inside these holes there's some pinching bits of conductive metal which connect to each other in a particular way (pretty sure you can just see the strips that connect one if you pry the bottom off), so you can just jam a thing wire or prong into a hole, have it held in place, and make a connection to every other hole its connected to on the other side.

There is a ton of standardization to all of this. The holes should always be 0.1 inches apart () and split into two big grids. Everyone I've ever seen has 63 rows, each with 5 holes labeled A-E, a shallow channel through the middle of the board, and then another 5, F-J, and we generally have numbers printed every 5 rows. Down underneath, for any given row, the set of 5 pins on each side of the channel are connected. So, holes 1A, 1B, 1C, 1D, and 1E are all connected to each other, and nothing else. Holes 1F, 1G, 1H, 1I, and 1J are also connected to each other. There's no connection though between 1E and 1F, or 1A and 2A.

Most breadboards will also have a couple of "power rails" along the sides. These are just going to be labeled with a long red line and +, and a long blue or black line and -, and have holes in 2x5 blocks staggered out. With these, all 25 or 50 or whatever holes near the red + line connect with each other, and all the ones near the black line connect with each other. The gaps every 5 holes don't serve any purpose beyond looking different enough from the big grid so you hopefully don't mix it up and forget that these ones all connect down the length, and not in in little clumps across the width like everything else. The idea, for the sake of convention, is you plug a wire connected directly to the positive side of your battery or DC adapter or whatever into any red line hole, the negative side to any blue/black hole, and then tada, you can make a circuit just by plugging a wire in from red to a normal grid line, whatever bits you want span from that grid line to another, and eventually you connect the far end back anywhere on the black/blue line.

With a nice circuit board, there's also little snap-together pegs along the sides, and the power rails are just snapped on with those. So you can just kinda cut through the backing with a knife or some scissors, snap those off, connect multiple boards together without redundant power rails in the middle, and then just have these nice spare long lines of linked sockets. In the computer I'm building on these, I'm just using spare power rails for the bus. Oh and the big grooved channel down the middle also has a purpose. Bigger electronic components, like our good good friend the integrated circuit, are generally designed to be exactly wide enough (or more, but by a multiple of 0.1 inches) to straddle that groove as you plug their legs into the wires on either side, so they nicely fit into a breadboard, and there's a handy gap to slide something under and pry them off later on.

Typically though, you don't see breadboards inside a computer, or anything else. They're super handy for tinkering around and designing stuff, but for final builds, you want something more permanent. Usually, that's a printed circuit board, or PCB. This is pretty much what everyone's going to picture when they think about the guts of a computer. A big hard (usually) green board with a bunch of intricate lines, or "traces" running all over made of (usually) copper. And maybe with some metal ringed holes punched all the way through (they call those vias). These tend to look really complicated and maybe even a little magical, but they're honestly they're just pre-placed wires with a sense of style.

Most of the material of the board is insulated. The copper traces conduct real well, and manufacturers have done the math on just how close together they can be run without connecting to each other in places you don't want. The holes that go all the way through are for either plugging other bits in that tend to come with long legs you maybe want to keep intact, or just ways to run a trace through to the other side, where we often have traces on the back too to maximize our space. Most of what makes them look all cool and magical is how the traces run as close packed as possible to conserve space, and tend to only turn at 45 degree angles, which is just an artifact of how the machinery used to etch them out sued to be iffy about anything else.

So tada, you have all your wires pre-stuck to a nice sturdy board, and maybe even have labels printed right on there for where you solder all the various components to finish the thing. Oh and when you hear people talk about like, motherboards and daughterboards? The big main board you have for everything is a motherboard. Sometimes you need more than that, so you make smaller ones, and connect them up ether with some soldering or cartridge style with end-pins sliding snugly into sockets, and those we call daughterboards.

Integrated Circuits, or as they're also known, "chips"

The last thing you're likely to find if you crack open a computer, or just about any other electronic device that isn't super old or super super simple, are integrated circuits. Generally these are think black plastic bars that look like you'd maybe try to awkardly use them to spread cheese or peanutbutter on crackers in a prepacked snack or something, with rows of tiny little legs that running along either side. Kinda makes them look like little toy bugs or something. Sometimes they're square with pins along every edge, because sometimes you need a lot of pins. These are integrated circuits, or microchips, or just chips, and wow are they handy.

Sometime back in the 60s when people were really getting their heads around just how ridiculously small they could make electronic components and still have them work, we started to quite rapidly move towards a point where the big concern was no longer "can we shrink all this stuff down to a manageable size" and more "we are shrinking everything down to such an absurdly tiny size that we need to pack it all up in some kind of basically indestructible package, while still being able to interact with it."

So, yeah, we worked out a really solid standard there. I kinda wish I could find more on how it was set or what sort of plastic was used, but you take your absurdly shrunken down complex circuit for doing whatever. You run the teensiest tiniest wires you can out from it that thicken up at the ends into standard toothy prongs you can sink into a breadboard or a PCB with that standardized pin spacing, and you coat it all in this black plastic so firmly enveloping it that nothing can move around inside or get broken, hopefully.

And honestly, in my opinion, this is all TOO standardized. The only real visible difference between any two given integrated circuits is how many legs they have, and even those tend to come to some pretty standard numbers. They're always the same size shape and color, they all have the same convention of having a little indented notch on one side so you know which end is which, and they all seem to use just the worst ink in the world to print a block of numbers on the back with their manufacturer, date of assembly, a catalog number, and some other random stuff.

For real if there's any real comprehensive standard for what's printing on these, I can't for the life of me find it. All I know is, SOMEWHERE, you've got a 2 or 3 letter code for every manufacturer, a number for the chip, and a 4 digit date code with the last 2 digits of the year, and which week of that year it was. These three things can be in any order, other things can also be on there, probably with zero spacing, and usually printed in ink that wipes away like immediately or at least is only readable under really direct light, it sucks.

Once you know what a chip is though and look up the datasheet for it, you should have all sorts of handy info on what's inside, and just need to know what every leg is for. For that, you find which end has a notch in it, that's the left side, sometimes there's also a little dot in the lower left corner, and hopefully the label is printed in alignment with that. From there, the bottom left leg is pin 1, and then you count counterclockwise around the whole chip. You're basically always going to have positive and negative power pins, past that anything goes. You can cram a whole computer into a single chip, yo can have someone just put like 4 NAND gates on a chip for convenience, whatever.

OK, but how do they make them so small?

OK, so, mostly a circuit we're going to want to shrink down and put on a chip is just gonna be a big pile of logic gates, we can make our logic gates just using transistors, and we can make transistors just by chemically treating some silicon. So we just need SUPER flat sheets of treated silicon, along with some little strands of capacitive/resistive/insulating material here and there, and a few vertically oriented bits of conductive metal to pass signals up and down as we layer these together. Then we just need to etch them out, real real small and tight.

And we can do that etching at like, basically infinite resolution it turns out. It just so happens we have access to special acids that eat through the materials we need them to eat through, but that only work when they're being directly hit with fairly intense UV light. And a thing about light is when you have say, a big cut out pattern that you hold between a light and a surface, it casts a shadow on it... and the scaling of that shadow depends entirely on the distances between the light, the pattern, and the surface. So if you're super careful calibrating everything, you can etch a pattern into something at a scale where the main limiting factors become stuff like how many molecules thick things have to be to hold their shape. Seriously, they use electron microscopes to inspect builds because that's the level of tininess we have achieved.

So yeah, you etch your layers of various materials out with shadow masks and UV acid, you stack them up, you somehow align microscopic pins to hold them together and then you coat the whole mess in plastic forever. Tada. Anything you want in a little chip.

ROMs, maybe with various letters in front

So there's a bunch of standard generally useful things people put into ICs, but also with a computer you generally want some real bespoke stored values with a lookup table where you'll keep, say, a program to be run by feeding whatever's inside out to the bus line by line. For that we use a chip we call Read Only Memory, or ROM. Nothing super special there, just... hard wire in the values you need when you manufacture it. Manufacturing these chips though is kind of a lot, with the exacting calibrations and the acid and the clean rooms and all. Can't we have some sort of Programmable ROM? Well sure, just like build it so that all the values are 1, and build a special little thing that feeds more voltage through than it can handle and physically destroy the fuse for everything you don't want to be a 1.

OK that's still kind of a serious commitment. What if I want to reuse this later? Oh, so you want some sort of Erasable PROM? OK someone came up with a funky setting where you overload and blow out the fuses but then if you expose the guts of the chip to direct UV light through this little window, everything should reform back to 1. Just like, throw a sticker on there when you don't want to erase it. Well great, but can we maybe not have me desolder it and take it out to put under a lamp? Oh la de da! You need Electronically Erasable PROMs? EEPROMs? I guess we can make THAT work, somehow. They're still gonna be slow to write to though, can't have anything. I mean, not unless we invented like, flash memory. Which somehow does all this at speeds where you can use it for long term storage without it being a pain. So that's just kinda the thing we have now. Sorry I don't quite get the principles behind it enough to summarize. Something about floating components and needing less voltage or whatever. Apparently you sacrifice some read speed next to older options but hey, usable rewritable long term storage you just plug in, no jumping through extra hoops.

So OK. I think that's everything I can explain without biting the bullet and explaining ALUs and such. Well, there's keyboards (they're just buttons connecting input lines), monitors (these days, LEDs wired up in big grids), and mice (there's spokes in wheels that click X times or cameras checking the offset values of dust on your desk or whatnot).

Maybe throw me some money before we move on ?

CONTINUED IN PART 4

#computers #computer science #pcb #printed circuit board #integrated circuits #microchip #breadboards #education #electronics

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