#I think part of my desire to be- and questioning of being aroace is in part a desire for independence.
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#tag talk#I lie a lot. to other people. to myself. I don't really lie here (usually) because I don't have an image to maintain but like...#I don't always even recognize the lies in telling myself. I retell stories to make myself seem clever and smart#retell interactions to make people take my side in the matter. and it even works on me sometimes.#I've always wanted to be the hardboiled loner. independent and happily isolated from others.#and to an extent I am. it helps when you despise most people you meet. when you find them inane and simple.#but I play it off like I'm somehow cool and aloof when in reality I'm alone because I hurt so much around others.#I have such a hard time identifying with others. I genuinely feel estranged and alien.#it makes me immune to caring about their pain. which can be useful I guess. but that's still not great.#I think part of my desire to be- and questioning of being aroace is in part a desire for independence.#because I have been wildly romantic before. I was head over heals for my first boyfriend (still my best friend).#I wrote them poetry. left love notes around their house. cooked him food and went on dates. and I did enjoy it. felt natural and good.#I just... that happens so rarely. this is the first time in almost ten years that it's happened again. I have the capacity. I have the want.#but I just... I don't click with others. I don't get along with them. I interact with to know them and then I start to loathe them.#I've gotten too many followers here and I go through their blogs and I get an idea of who they are and there's at least five of you I hate.#and I'm getting awfully close to reaching the annoyance threshold because I don't mind you existing but I need it to happen somewhere else.#I don't get paid to exist in the same space as you so we don't even have a functional relationship.#anyway. I dislike being lonely but I constantly feel a visceral disconnect between myself and others and it aches every single day.#adhd meds and hrt are doing huge things to help me be happy with myself. which means I need people less. I can exist alone.#but it doesn't remove the need. doesn't fill the void. it remedies one problem but emphasizes another.#and I'm not used to wanting someone. I want things From people but I don't want Them. except now I do. I want this person.#and I'm so out of my depth because my play is usually to keep distance. engage politely. get the company I need and then retreat.#and I want more than that here. I was about to say “I'm afraid of fucking it up” but I'm not. that's a cliche that my mind auto filled.#I know I won't fuck it up because I understand her and I know my own abilities. but I'm afraid of what this means for me.#will this work loose something in my own mind? Will I become more painfully aware of my own needs? Will loneliness hurt more?#I know I'm moving again in a few years. I'm staying with my brother for the foreseeable future so I know this won't be long term.#so if I can figure this out in the next year or so then maybe I'll be more prepared the next time we settle somewhere.#idk. my mind has been in overdrive processing this for the last three weeks. I feel noticeably more tired because of it.#I'm just so preoccupied with trying to figure out this new part of me that's only shown up once before.
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My perspective on shipping characters that are canonically aroace (romance and/or/xor sex repulsive) as someone who identifies as aroace is simple. It's totally OK, but it's glaringly obvious when you do it without any regard to a character's orientation.
Because to me, it's just infinitely more interesting to explore one's struggles and desires when it comes to relationships with respect to their position on the aroace spectrum, than if I were to read yet another story where someone is magically okay being in a relationship with that one person.
To me aspec characters are primed for some interesting introspection on what a relationship is, what attraction is, what it means to love someone (all the different kinds of love) and how you choose to express it because those are the things that aro/ace people often have to think about in this amatonormative world we live in. For clarity's sake, I do not mean to suggest that non-aspec stories can't have those questions and themes too. Just that in my experience, I could not live a day without having to debate these topics with allos.
And that's not even going into non-partnering and loveless aces that are just as important part of the community as those that may seek companionship.
I hope all of this makes sense because I totally understand if this may come off wrong somehow. In short, if you're aspec, then you probably already get it, and you're off the hook. But if you're not my advice would be to pay attention to aspec experiences and learn to incorporate that into your stories, headcanons, or whatever. It always helps to learn something new.
#aromantic#asexual#aroace#aspec#shipping#this post was sponsored by the Alastor shipping discource#in which both sides have good points but I can't completely agree with one or the other#amatonormativity#i really debated posting this
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Hii!! I agree with your points and your interpretation is valid. But just wanted to say that I think that using a guy character not acting like a pervert and borderline assaulty around women as a proof of them not being attracted is a very flawed and harmful logic (talking ab the scene of Komaeda falling under Mikan’s skirt you mentioned). I’m attracted to women but if I fall under girl’s skirt or witness an embarrassing situation I will be uncomfortable too. Komaeda’s reaction is how a normal respectful person would react and I’m very saddened that the amount of pervert anime characters has normalized such behaviour
That's super fair! I only realize now I am using it under the expectations of Danganronpa since there are so many perverted characters in the franchise, you're right and thank you for pointing that out. That actually is really upsetting now that you mention it, yeah I'm going to edit that out ew.
I've made posts on twitter of small, even if silly, praises about how Nagito seems to really value consent. He's always the loudest and most annoyed about teruteru's behavior, and within the franchise he's the one who's the most respectful and realistic when it comes to the problematic subjects. It's sad that not every character is as respectful as him. In fact almost all of the dr2 male cast is crushing on girls, some being gross about it, the only ones who don't are Nekomaru and Nagito. Crushing on girls is definitely not the issue, but half of them being gross about it is.
Just to redeem the example because I'm upset by it here's some instances of his weird somewhat lack of interest in women that we've seen or general vagueness
Chiaki saying this isn't as straightforward but it still implies her being sexy wouldn't work to get Nagito's attention which still says things about his possible disinterest or respectful nature maybe even both.
During fan service scenes in every manga adaptation he never blushes while every other character does
He avoids the question of sexuality every time it's asked, he either doesn't know it himself, doesn't think about it because he thinks he's unworthy, or has to beat around the bush because he's closeted. Although outside of characterization wise it may just be kodaka staying vague because that's the common pattern Lmao. The question is avoided during Q&as and during ultra despair girls he just ignores Kurokoma altogether lmao (would add more but image limit on mobile is my worst enemy)
i've seen multiple interpretations for this so just ???
Either way the status of canon is: Nagito shows interest in men and we see he has sexual desires, he's anything that isn't straight or aroace. He doesn't show evident interest in women and there's been no official word on his sexuality, it is up in the air when it comes to specifics. He is absolutely a queer coded character, whether he's gay, pan, bi, or something else there's no doubt about that. I believe Nagito is gay because there's a lot of evidence supporting this, I think it also makes his storyline more impactful. But at the end of the day there is no said canon and people are free to headcanon what they want to, whatever people say that isn't invalidating important parts of his character we actively see is preferred.
#nagito komaeda#danganronpa#danganronpa komaeda#sdr2 nagito#danganronpa nagito#sdr2 komaeda#komaeda nagito#sdr2#danganronpa goodbye despair#komahina#kamukoma#nagito sexuality#nagito#komaeda#nagito asks#anon ask#anon asks#danganronpa ask#danganronpa asks#danganronpa 3#sdr2 nagito komaeda#dr nagito
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I'm not aroace, so I don't want to be rude or anything, and I apologize if I end up being rude... But I am genuinely very curious...
If you're aroace and want neither a partner nor sex...
Why do you think of the dirtiest jokes?? How??
Is it boredom??? Curiousity??? A vivid imagination?????
I'm just absolutely puzzled by the fact the people who actively have said they do NOT want to fuck, are somehow the kinkiest???
Ooh! I appreciate this question! (Prepare for a long rant, lol.)
In my bio, I say I'm Aego/Ficto AroAce for context (so I generally only feel attraction to fictional characters and I can enjoy it in media, though I don't like being the object of sexualization). I'm also Apothi AroAce which is just repulsed AroAce (I'm repulsed by anything sexual or romantic in real life and cannot stand the thought).
I don't speak for all AroAces but this is just my explanation.
When in fiction you're okay with romantic pick-up lines, and dirty jokes, and all this content is shown all over the media, you tend to store it in your brain. And sometimes it's like bottling up your emotions so bad, but in this case dirty jokes and such, you can just unleash a whole load of things.
If it's the right setup and the right situation with the right backup, you can make something amazing. For example, I have an enemy of mine I call M for privacy. One day in class he exclaimed, "I'M A BICYCLE!" My immediate response? "So that means you want someone to ride you?"
It was the perfect setup, and I had so many jokes in my catalog that I can't miss out on using. Imagine having so many filing cabinets full of papers, just STUFFED (not intended...) to the brim, and whenever you get the chance? You can't help but use them.
And sometimes I tell dirty jokes by accident! For example, I was talking to a friend of mine (I don't exactly remember what it was about but it went something like this), "Blah blah blah, it was hard... Like me." And it was just out of nowhere, I didn't even intend it, it's like a muscle memory almost.
Boredom? Yes. You can spice up your life by doing the most dirty jokes ever. It's fun! It almost feels like you have no repercussions for doing so. You make fun of the fact that sex, relationships, and desires like that exist, and that's part of it.
It's also can be such a power move. M once said, "YOU'RE A MEANIE!" Making a sexualized pose, "No, I'M A BADDIE~"
Being AroAce just means you don't experience attraction in any way. Some AroAces do want romantic and/or sexual relationships, some like me don't, and some like me are okay with it in fiction/media but repulsed in real life, and so many examples I can't list because there are so many ways of being AroAce. Being AroAce is just not feeling sexual and romantic attraction and nothing more.
You can have a dirty mind, but it's not directed towards anyone, and that's being a dirty-minded AroAce. You can have a pure mind and be Allo, and that's being a pure-minded Allo. Saying your attraction is just that, attraction. Lesbians can make dirty jokes with men, are they attracted to them though? No. Gay men can make dirty jokes with women, does it mean they're attracted to them? No.
AroAces can make dirty jokes with Allo people, does it mean they experience attraction? No.
This experience is all subjective though. But this is how I feel about this topic (and I tried making it as objective as possible). I don't speak for all AroAce people though.
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Luffy is aroace! Just shut up
(catchy title without purpose because it's my post and I can do what I want and I'm really tired and irritated by this speech)
There's something that really irritates me about the One Piece community in general
"Luffy doesn't have sex because he's aroace!"
???? Aroace people have sex??
Like, people talk like aroace people can't have sex or have relationships
And I know there will be people who just like this hcs or like to say this because they are aroace and want to identify themselves and that's ok
But most people who say this are not Aroace and don't even have the slightest knowledge about Aroace people
You know, being an aroace doesn't make you a robot incapable of having sex and falling in love, that's not how it works???
And yes, you can say that he doesn't have sex AND he's an aroace, but you can't EVER say that he doesn't have sex JUST because he's an aroace
This is fucking prejudiced
Seriously, this type of thinking is why the aroace community is so invalid and treated like a joke
And a fact for those who don't know, you can NOT have sex and guess what, NOT be aroace or ace
Because one thing has NOTHING to do with the other???
If you don't think Luffy doesn't have sex or would have a relationship, this is your hcs and it's ok!! You are free to find whatever you want, and also it's ok to have Luffy with hcs aroace, nothing wrong about that!
But don't use aroace as a justification for saying "oh he doesn't have sex because he's an aroace" because like I said, aroace people can YES HAVE SEX
Just do a little research before you start talking shit, people may not want relationships and sex without being aroace
It's not like, oh I don't like sex therefore I'm ace, that's not how it works???
Regardless of what you feel, only YOU can say what you are, if you don't consider yourself any lgbt label, then you are not lgbt
It's just, frustrating, because I see, like, people saying that Luffy doesn't have sex because he's an aroace and here I am an aroace who has no problem having sex and does have a desire for it
Seriously, if you are going to talk about something that you have no place to talk about and is not part of your community, the least you can do is research it, don't be stupid
If you have any questions about aroace people, feel free to send me a message, I love talking about my community and everything it encompasses, because series, the aroace community is much more extensive than you can imagine
But anyway, you author, when you talk about a subject that you don't understand, just research it first, don't come off as homophobic or prejudiced for nothing, ok? :))
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cw: mentions of fatphobia, body image issues, gendered beauty standards
hey sex witch! love and appreciate your sex ed posts and the resources you've shared. i noticed that you've answered some asks about becoming more comfortable with expressing sexual attraction, and finding ways to see yourself as desirable -- i was wondering if you had any similar thoughts about becoming more comfortable with other people expressing attraction to you, especially verbally. it's something i'd really like to start enjoying in a casual way (i'm more okay with it within a long-term relationship or a kink dynamic, partly because it's something i can negotiate), but it's pretty consistently something that feels "off" for me and kills my interest. i don't want to react that way! i actively want to enjoy it, especially with people i otherwise like and connect with, and i feel like i might enjoy it a lot someday if the circumstances were right or if i changed my mindset/framing. plus, i know that i really like complimenting people i'm attracted to (if i know that they like it and i know what it means to them), and i'd like that to be a mutual thing.
to be clear, i haven't experienced sexual trauma, i'm nondysphoric (transmasc), and i'd say that i really like my appearance (in a nonsexual/aesthetic sense), so i think i can rule out a few of the common reasons that people feel this way. others have suggested that i might be aspec/demisexual when i've talked about my experiences, but i've gone through that particular questioning process before (and identified as aroace/"not interested" for most of my life), and i feel like it's probably something else.
i think a significant part of the problem is that when people have flirted with me/said that i'm physically attractive, they've usually referenced beauty standards that i'm both very opposed to and which are at odds with my sexuality and what i see as beautiful. i'm a guy who's always been viewed as thin and as having a "conventionally androgynous" (?) body type, and i've generally been attracted to people with body types and/or presentations that are noticeably different from mine -- that includes feminine-presenting people, fat and chubby people, and trans and gnc people who present in ways that combine masculinity and femininity. i've pretty much never been attracted to men who look like me. but when people compliment me on my appearance, they often compliment my body type or size directly or indirectly, and i feel like there's a certain undertone of "i'm labeling you as attractive because you don't look like Those People." i don't want to be around that attitude, and i don't find it flattering or "nice."
i generally wouldn't want to assume that a person who uses these compliments actually has extremely normative views on sex, is fatphobic, etc., and i believe that attraction is morally neutral no matter what your "type" is. it's not like i don't have specific preferences myself, though i probably have some biases that i'm not yet aware of. the whole idea of people being attracted to you because of aspects of your appearance that you didn't choose is...inherently messy, i think. i also know that in most cases, i can just leave, or ask people not to talk about me in these terms. but i still find the whole thing alienating and off-putting, to such an extent that i feel disconnected from most discussions and portrayals of sexuality, especially re: attraction to men. and that's on top of having to deal with the very common assumption that it's a universal experience for women and trans people to hate their bodies and want certain types of validation (but that's kind of a separate issue that i won't get into here).
do you have any thoughts on how to navigate this? i feel like i might be missing something important, but maybe i just need to understand and accept what doesn't work for me.
thanks!
hi anon,
I hate to be so brief when you've presented me with a veritable novella, but listen: you've already answered your own question here.
if I'm reading this right sounds like what you're experiencing isn't an issue of disliking compliments because you lack self esteem, but disliking compliments that are focusing on your body in ways that you don't enjoy. the problem in this scenario really isn't on your end. no matter how well-meaning people might be, you're not under any obligation to make yourself enjoy compliments that make you uneasy, and I'm certainly not going to be the person who tries to tell you how considering I operate my own life almost entirely around the notion that if it sucks, one must hit da bricks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
you already said it yourself: if you don't like the way someone talks to you, especially if they're someone you'd like to continue having a relationship and building rapport with, the best move is to ask them not to talk about you that way. (if they're someone you'll never see again and don't give a shit about, by all means just blow it off.) if they're not cool with that boundary, awesome! you've learned something very important about them and can terminate that potential relationship immediately.
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I think I'm aroallo?
CW: sex mentions, talk about aroallo stereotypes
I think I'm aroallo. I've been identifying as aroace for a while now, but I keep saying to my girlfriend, "I feel like I might not be asexual after all." I've been saying that again and again for months. Her response is always, "You're probably not."
I don't question my aromanticism at all. It's one aspect of my identity that I'm very sure about. But my asexuality, on the other hand... I don't think that I'm really ace. I feel like I've been clinging to the asexual label because of the assumptions people make about aroallos. Being aroace is one thing, but being aroallo is a lot harder for me to accept.
People tend to assume that aroallos are always hypersexual, or always loveless, or always prioritize sex above all else when it comes to their relationships with people. And all of those things are valid experiences, but they don't apply to me personally.
I've been trying to put it into words... People think that a lack of romantic attraction necessitates an amplified sexual attraction. Like just because I'm aro, I must be "more sexual" than other allosexual people. It seems like people think sexuality has to be "balanced out" with romance. But I'm not particularly sexual; I'm just not ace.
Tangentially related, this idea that "no romantic attraction = amplified sexual attraction" also seemed really prevalent in SAM discourse a while back. One of the big arguments people used against romantic orientation labels was that they were "oversexualizing" sexuality labels or "reducing everything to sex" by separating the romantic aspect from the sexual aspect.
I'm talking about the people who would say shit like, "Why would you call yourself biromantic instead of bisexual? Are you implying that bisexual people only care about sex?" when they saw a biromantic ace. That sort of "logic."
And the implication with that argument is, if the tables were turned (i.e. they were bisexual and aromantic), it would be appalling to them. And it was especially paired with the assumption that sex - romance = oversexualized, in whatever way "oversexualized" may be defined. Lots of sex negativity mixed in with the discourse.
On another note, I've voiced my disdain for the Attraction Layer Cake elsewhere before. There are a lot of problems with it, but I'm going to focus on the "Crimson" part specifically: the crimson layer is the only option if you're aromantic without being asexual. That and "Red" I suppose, but the red layer could describe any allosexual orientation, whether aromantic or not.
Crimson is labeled as aromantic sexuality, which is a problem in and of itself. It should say aromantic allosexuality. But that's not the part I take the most issue with. I hate the description.
"The purpose of relationships is primarily sexuality. Romance is not specifically desired."
Again, there's nothing wrong with prioritizing or emphasizing sexuality. But that's not an inherent aspect of being aroallo, and it doesn't describe me personally. The primary purpose of my relationships is emotional connection. Sex is just a cool thing that I may or may not do with people.
Also, "relationships" is vague. Does it mean relationships in general, regardless of whether they're romantic, platonic, etc? In that case, that's a huge generalization of the many types of relationships aroallos may have.
Or does it specifically refer to romantic relationships? In that case, that's also a huge generalization, because it assumes aroallos will have romantic partners, and it implies that it's only okay to have sex with people if you're also romantically involved.
Aromantic people also have to deal with a lot of explicitly negative stereotypes. Manipulative, abusive, cruel. I feel like these assumptions get amplified when you're aroallo specifically. A lot of people think that explicitly wanting sex, without explicitly wanting romance, automatically makes you a horrible person. I'm too exhausted to even delve into these stereotypes.
All I'll say is, there's nothing wrong with wanting sex, and there's nothing wrong with having no desire for romance. Sexual attraction doesn't need to be "justified" via romantic attraction, and sex doesn't need to be "justified" via romance. As long as everyone is consenting and upfront with their intentions, whose business is it anyways?
I'm not 100% sure if I'm allosexual. But after months of saying, "I don't think I'm asexual after all," I think it's safe to say that I'm not aroace. Maybe I'm greysexual at most, but eh. Whether I'm allosexual or ace-spec, there's one thing I'm certain of: I'm more aro than I am ace, if I'm even ace-spec at all.
I'm sitting here sort of feeling... Out of place. Like, everywhere. I'm a romance-indifferent aroallo, who isn't heavily sexual, but still enjoys sex. It's sort of isolating, I guess. It would be reassuring to see more people with similar experiences.
Slightly unrelated, but my primary special interest is Littlest Pet Shop, and I love putting these little guys on pride flags. So, here's the aroallo flag with a bunny on it. Makes me happy despite all the confusion and conflicted feelings
#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbtqia#aromantic#aro#aromanticism#aromanticity#aromantic spectrum#arospec#aroallo#alloaro#aromantic allosexual#allosexual aromantic#aromantic zedsexual#zedsexual aromantic#not sure if I articulated myself well but whatever#this took hours to type and the sun isn't even up yet#a healthy sleep schedule? what's that?
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Heya! Fellow AroAce here! I was wondering if I could ask how tickling fits into asexuality for you? I’m new and trying to learn more about this, so I’d love to get another ace’s perspective.
I think for me, outside of tumblr it feel like more of an aromantic thing rather than an asexual thing… it’s always felt very platonic in a way of like. All my friends know, but ONLY my friends know. And they understand the context of physical intimacy for me cuz if they didn’t we wouldn’t be friends
In terms of tumblr, for me personally it’s kinda been this idea that as something widely defined as a kink or a fetish, I really don’t regard it as such unless the other person sees it that ways, sometimes not even then. Sometimes it feels like more of a disconnect from certain parts of the community because for a lot of people their philosophy is “I can’t have sex without tickling” “my most ticklish spots are erogenous” “I couldn’t have a partner if they weren’t willing to do tickle stuff with me…” and for me it’s just like a “I like it and I trust you enough to tell you that”. That’s why I tell people. It’s a trust thing, or a comfort thing, and I guess that makes it akin to sex in a way, because I’ve heard people describe it as such. As an explicit form of trust, “I couldn’t have sex with someone I don’t love/trust”. But again to answer the question it’s always felt very platonic to me, and regardless of what side im on it kinda… relaxes me. And I don’t relax around people I don’t trust. Very very rarely I might desire it in an almost touch-starved way that still doesn’t quite feel parallel to being ‘horny’ or whatever.
I think one very unique take on this question was made a good while ago by @/achileean where they were talking about the concept of in terms of physical intimacy in relationships that often tickling almost takes the place of sex? As opposed to being foreplay, or an enhancement of sex
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Barely coherent spawn ramblings about his relationships from the eyes of an aroace person
My brain is oatmeal and I suuuck at expressing things but I desperately want to talk about Spawn because he’s my all time favourite character any media has ever produced. These are things I’ve observed solely from the show and sparse lore reading because I have not read any comics yet lol. I’m getting the first 5 soon though so yay yippie!
Note: I only included the fact I’m aroace because I feel that seeing his relationships unfold through that kind of perspective has made it far more interesting for me to think about. I’m a lot more analytical of relationships like this, and I find myself appreciating them in a way that’s different than most people. I guarantee this will be me mostly gushing :3c
Spawn is such a fascinating guy when it comes to developing friendships. I am partly aware that this is bc of the whole female love interest thing, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. The main message this show tries to get across is that Spawn is a creature who ruins the lives of those he wants to get close to, but he still tries nonetheless. It’s a deep, primal desire for closeness, even in his worst moments. It’s the most tragic part of him. He believes he needs to earn his humanity back, but in reality, his humanity was there the whole time. He just didn’t really know it, whether it be because he was being suffocated by nightmares or believing he was a monster for the things he was doing. Which is partially true. I’d love to touch more on his monstrous portrayal musically and visually sometime
The scene where Wanda saw him for the first time shattered my heart. Seriously. Her screams of fear were muffled, as he reached out to her and spoke her name. He couldn’t hear it. He didn’t want to hear it. Until finally we hear a loud, clear scream of sheer terror, followed by spawn crying out her name as she drives off. He finally realised she doesn’t recognise him, her husband, and that she’s horrified by him and his actions as a monster. He did whatever he possibly could to get close to her, even through very questionable actions, trying to escape the inexorable reality that he can’t be with her. Not with the way he is now. Any chance of a relationship with her is long gone, but he refuses to accept it.
He fears closeness, but he yearns for it you know? With his deteriorating mental state, it wouldn’t be hard to believe that he genuinely doesn’t know how to process his feelings to develop stable relationships. I sure wouldn’t if I was being haunted by intense nightmares and constant misery. He’s just drawn to anyone who shows him kindness, someone who can make him forget the pain. It’s a humanly desire. His sliver of humanity. A character like Jade is more than a love interest. To me, she wasn’t really one to begin with. It’s genuinely hard for me to describe. The kiss scene is one of my all time favourites. His nervous breathing and hesitation to let her hold him made me kind of teary eyed.
This isn’t me trying to woobify spawn I promise. There’s a difference in that and simply appreciating his more emotionally messy side. He’s genuinely a wreck and I enjoy it. So sorry if this is barely cohesive </3 I promise I’m not a total idiot I just have a hard time putting my thoughts into words. Spawn makes me emotional
#basically spawn is the poorest meow meow#i genuinely can’t stress enough how amazingly complex his character is#spawn#todd mcfarlane's spawn#spawn show#rambling#aroace#i promise I’m only partially incompetent#i hope someone sees my vision
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I've already thought about how labels are tools, and are still useful even if it doesn't 100% fit, but now I'm questioning the inverse. Do you continue using a label if it only feels like it fits on a technicality?
Gonna tread lightly with this one, as its the first time I'm writing with focus on questioning my asexuality, and will get close to things more personal than I'd like to talk about ESPECIALLY still being a year and a half away from being 18. So there's more thoughts I have on this than I'm going to put out onto the internet. Plus, alot of these posts I'm making are just me guessing how I feel about what my future could be like post transition, there's no real way of actually knowing how I will feel, I've been crawling in the dark. Anyway, on with what I'm actually trying to say.
I've already talked about Aromanticism in a different post, and how I can happily see myself in a relationship post transition, and I find it hard to tell what romantic attraction is, but it is very possible that I do/ will feel it. Knowing this, I concluded that no matter my thoughts on it, the label fits for now, I'll keep using it, even if I doubt how strictly true it is.
And the same goes for asexuality, but I hadn't really questioned it until now. So, if I picture myself in the future, as a woman, am I asexual?
Well yeah. I don't feel sexual attraction, thats very unlikely to change, I'm asexual by definition. But I do have desires. If I had a romantic partner as a girl, I would want to do things with them. So the proper terminology would be Sex favourable Ace, alloromantic? But at a certain point, if I feel romantic attraction, and want to have sex with someone Im in a romantic relationship with, why bother with the Ace label? It feels more like being Ace on a technicality.
Why does this idea bother me so much? I am what I am, that's all there is to it, I shouldn't be getting attatched to a preference like this when any preference is okay. why am I so attatched to asexuality as a part of my identity?
Another aspect most people would consider is bottom dysphoria, which I very much have, but for reasons I understand that I'm not sharing, I dont think bottom dysphoria is a factor in this.
Well, going back to the first point, Don't fight the name if the name fits. For the time being, Aroace absolutely fits me, and I will only truly know if """Samantha""" (subject to change) is Aro or ace when I get to know who I am behind that door.
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El WooWoo! Thank you @quizasvivamos (how the tables have turned) and @cutestkilla for the tags.
I am still working on [REDACTED]. It's a-going, nothing else to say. So instead I am back with a philosophy talk! The last time I did this, I mentioned Cartesian Dualism and the epilogue of my Snowbaz fic Time After Time.
We're going to Klaine fic now! We're talking about consciousness, mind, cognition etc. in class. Who has a mind? Who can think? Who has consciousness? These are all broader questions, but last week and today we applied these questions to machines and AI and we had a lot of amazing discussions about it.
But one moment stood out to me.
I'm going to put it under the tags and a cut, but if you're interested, feel free to read on. It's going to be about Myosotis sylvatica, and it's spoiler-free!
And now, the weather: @jinglejavey @coffeegleek @otherworldsivelivedin @caramelcoffeeaddict @sillyunicorn @dragoneggos @raenestee @tectonicduck @nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @thnxforknowingme @captain-aralias @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @justgleekout @cerriddwenluna @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @1908jmd @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @larkral @wellbelesbian @artsyunderstudy @martsonmars @facewithoutheart @shrekgogurt @rockitmans @bitbybitwrites @blackberrysummer @whatevertheweather @theotherhufflepuff
Someone argued that the fact that we might not be able to fully communicate with machines doesn't rule out that machines can think. Think of animals. We understand that animal minds work vastly different from human minds and yet we do not discredit them as cognitive beings. In fact, we even attempt to communicate with them. We all know Mimi is a good girl, after al #MimiFanclub!
And someone argued back that we do not have the same emotional bonds with AI as we do with our pets, which made me laugh, because it made me think of the original Mimi: Blaine's personal AI in Myosotis sylvatica. The whole point of Mimi is that Kurt is weirded out by how Blaine's phone seems to have replaced a pet.
(For the ones who don't know the context: the story takes place in 2027 and in this year, there is a market for personal AIs, since the AIs from big companies aren't privacy-safe. With your personal AI, that you can install on all your smart tech, you own your own data. This is why many people like this.)
Yes, Kurt has his own AI as well, but again, Kurt's from 2012, not 2027 where personal AIs have become a standard. You know, I always say that I wrote this technological world that would be slightly weird but also highly realistic for a near future. I wrote it in 2019, way before ChatGPT and crap.
There was also a mini discussion on ethics, because I also talked about how everything is done from our phones now and all I could think of was "ah yes, like the Springo". Apparently some want to get rid of public transport tickets and replace them with "checking in with our phones", which is fun, because Kurt bemoans the loss of physical MetroCards in this fic.
But yeah, back to Mimi (and Lizzie, Kurt's AI). It was just really interesting, because if we believe in Dennett's intentionality theory of cognition, then we can argue that Mimi and Lizzie do have a mind of sorts. Dennett's 'intentional stance' basically says we, human beings, ascribe intention and all other cognitive processes to other people. I assume that you, the person reading this, have the cognitive capabilities to read it and process what you're reading. I assume that people in the Netherlands made a conscious decision to vote (or not) today. I assume that my teacher know how to check the time while lecturing.
And so on. Dennett says that this is how we interact with each other as conscious beings. But you can make this broader: you can ascribe these cognitive things to objects as well. You can assume that a machine or AI (like Mimi or Lizzie, or ChatGPT) has intentions, thoughts, feelings, desires, etc. If you can do that with ease, then it's probably right.
Of course, there is a lot of criticism on this intentional stance as well. When it comes to ascribing these things to objects, then which objects do count? People can imagine a conscious machine, robot or AI (hi, Mimi!), but if I were to say "Your fork has a conscious mind", you might wonder something is up with my mind. In this line of thinking, you can already wonder if you can even ascribe these things to a machine or AI in the first place.
(To be clear, I wrote Mimi and Lizzie as unconscious objects. I am of the belief that AI, robots and machines aren't conscious, we just program them to resemble consciousness.)
But even if you don't believe that machines have a consciousness, like I do, it is undeniable that people can form a bond with objects. Heck, I even wrote a whole paper on that. We antropomorfise the shit out of objects and we did that even before we had ChatGPT. I know someone who has named her bike and how many of us have felt genuinely saddened when, for example, our favourite mug broke?
Anyway, that's all for this philosophy talk. Now I will return to fighting ableism in philosophy! Bye, bye.
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I love the aroace!Reigen headcanon so much.
Here's a guy whose main talents are being charismatic and suave, but he never falls into that "womanizer" trope. In fact he never once expresses any interest in anyone, whether that be specific people or a general gender or anything.
He gives Tsubomi and her friend advice on whether or not someone likes them (the part of courtship an outsider who is good at reading people can observe) but has to google advice to give Mob on how to ask someone out (the part of courtship that's usually private) which is the only time in the entire show that he has to use google to give Mob advice.
When Dimple says Spirits don't tend to have sexual desires, Reigen asks "But does love always have to come with sexual desires?" which is a very ace question to ask.
But much more important than overanalysing single moments like those, is his life situation in general, which probably feels quite relatable to a lot of aro and/or ace people
Living alone in his late twenties, not dating, no plans to settle down with anyone, seemingly completely uninterested in even trying to meet potential partners...
Even his storyline of being kinda lonely resonates.
Even though it is more about having friends rather than romance, this theme of loneliness and "Oh shit I'm almost thirty" kind of energy really gets to me. "Should I not have more friends by now? Should I not have a datemate by now? What am I doing with my life?"
I think as a character arc this does work really well with an aro or ace headcanon.
And, you know, I just really love this charming extroverted persuasive guy, who just... doesn't seem interested. He's such a cool guy!!
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My boi Jughead and how I discovered I was aspec (long post)
(Reposted from my defunct blog)
So, to start off, I'm cishet. But all my life, I've felt different. Even as a teenager I never had the desire to have a boyfriend, or so much as date anybody. I never even crushed on anybody. I've never kissed anyone in my life. And... yeah, I'm a- yeah, you get the idea. I've never been turned on by anyone or anything in my life.
Well into my adulthood, I stopped thinking I was a late bloomer and that something was seriously fucking wrong with me. I felt like a robot or an alien. I felt like a freak. I always hated myself for it, but at the same time, I could never force myself to fall in love or feel attraction or even try hooking up with anybody (as tempted as I've been, just to feel like a normal human being), let alone get married. I always knew, as abnormal as it was, I was happier single and free. I just never cared about it or wanted it, period. But I still hated myself, and felt like a total abnormal weirdo.
On the other hand, it's not that I fail to appreciate that somebody's good-looking. I can sometimes appreciate somebody's looks, but without having any desire to get to know them, let alone sleep with them. But it's not like I even always notice a person's looks; sometimes it stands out to me, sometimes not. And my eyes or thoughts never gravitate to their ass at all.
And here's the interesting thing, and this is important for later. I actually enjoy scenes in media (even fanfiction) where a couple is dating or snuggling or talking cute to one another- I'm a total sucker for fluff in fiction, I admit! It's sweet, it's adorable, it gives me all the feels! And even though it's never been a priority at all in my life, I admit that if I got to know somebody well enough- very well- maybe I could see myself dating them and experiencing those sweet, special, fuzzy moments too (which is why I identity as demiromantic).
...But for the most part, I draw the line at sex (including foreplay), whether in fiction or my own life. ESPECIALLY pure smut or anything hardcore.
I've always related very strongly to Jughead Jones from the Archie comics. Even as a kid, he was my favorite character. He never cared about romance or dating; in fact, it totally repelled him. He literally ran from girls! Hormone-driven the boy was not, unlike his friends! And... unlike me, he totally didn't question it. He was comfortable in his 'weirdness', he embraced it, he totally accepted himself. I always envied how he was so cool with being so out-of-place in society and not caring what others thought of him. Like me, ol' Juggy was much happier enjoying food or a good nap. I used to wonder if Jughead was gay, except he never wanted to be involved with anybody.
Then in 2015, Archie Comics rebooted their flagship title. And Jughead- who'd been around since the 40s like the rest of the Archie gang, LONG before being ace or aro was even a thing- was officially established as ace in the rebooted comic (but nothing was mentioned about him being aro too/aroace, oddly enough, but it was still strongly implied he is).
That was the very first time I'd heard of the term 'asexual.' I was intrigued, as well as curious. So, I looked it up... and suddenly, EVERYTHING. MADE. SENSE. About Jughead, and more importantly, myself. Around the same time, I also discovered the term 'aromantic', which equally applies to Jughead. Jughead is, and always has been... aroace.
On the aspectrum, I'm demiromantic and sex-repulsed. I'm more tolerant with sex scenes in media- and maybe the idea of sex for me personally- if it's deep and meaningful in a long-time relationship already built on love, trust, and respect. And tbh, I think I'm a little demisexual too (although mostly ace) because of those strong values of mine. I don't ever want to have sex with anybody, but if I did, I would only want it to be with somebody I've established a real bond with and have known/trusted for a long time.
To this day, even after learning that I'm aspec and that I'm NOT alone, I still struggle with accepting myself. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. But it's still something I go through.
Oh. And here's a perfect example of how they could've totally brought in more ace/aroace representation in Hollywood, but fucked up... on the worst level imaginable. CW's Riverdale, which came out in 2017. You'd think they would've stuck to the decades-long source material with Jughead, right? Especially after he'd been officially established as aroace in recent years, right? WRONG. They put him in a relationship with Betty. And a few other women on the show, but mostly Betty.
FRIGGING WHAT? JUGHEAD'S ALWAYS BEEN A LONE WOLF, HE DOESN'T DO RELATIONSHIPS- THAT'S HIS BIGGEST TRAIT (aside from eating). To break decades worth of canon is just inexcusable, but especially after they FINALLY establish him as aroace and give some much needed representation... I can't fucking even. Just. WHAT. And Archie Comics was actually behind the show, so they REALLY have no excuse. Even Cole Sprouse, Jughead's actor, was pissed.
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Bipolar Essay PART 5
Ian's short movie (part one) open with a voice over and then the first song that plays, aka the introductory song, is SERAPH.
For me, "It's his last conversation with his God as he sets his wings on fire. In those moments when my world starts splitting, it's a question from me as to why it always has to be like this."
This line really **HIT**.
I have literally (in my online journal entries) written, "[God] Why have you forsaken me?" During one of my more debilitating episodes.
Because, ey yo? WHY does it always have to be like this?
Literally feels like we're a shattered teacup tossed to the floor, and now we can't be put back together ever again and we just have to constantly live with that knowledge that our own glass shards are what's killing us.
And yet...."So hold me this one last time" is the last words Ian chooses to end the conversation he has with his God on, and that KILLS me even MORE.
Because, same.
(Lmao. If y'all aren't religious in any sense of the word, you might just be reading this like 'PSHsht' but bare with me.)
God to me is all that is beautiful in the world. He is
hope.
And so what do you think it feels like to be abandoned by hope itself?
:/
Icarus is a very apt metaphor for someone with BD.
Not a lot of people discuss the Hypersexuality aspect of Bipolar disorder.
To the point that even I -- someone WITH bipolar disorder -- had misconceptions about it.
One thing that I never knew was that the excessive sexual behavior, thoughts (and what not) were compulsive and unwanted. "Seemingly uncontrollable."
I learned this about hypersexuality in a podcast, actually -- where the host (who has BD), and a psychiatrist, discuss bipolar things -- hypersexuality being one of the things they discussed.
The host even stated that he once called / texted his family that he was sick instead of going to a get together because he was so horny that he spent that entire day m@$terbAiTing. Like 20 times in the span of a few hours.
(Which isn't healthy, and def. something the psychiatrist said she would hear and go, "yeah. That's not normal.")
The host stated that sometimes he wasn't even turned on at all. But he still felt the compulsion to follow through on the act. (Y'kno, because its a compulsion.)
I don't think these aspects of hypersexuality get discussed enough. I was fr sitting there listening to that podcast like:
Not that anyone needed or wanted to know this, but I am basically aroace (more ace, less aro, LOL) through and through.
Unfortunately for me, I would suddenly have bouts of hypersexuality during hypomanic and manic episodes which caused me a lot of confusion and self-loathing.
Going from absolutely no sexual thoughts, interests, or desires, to suddenly a plethora of all of those things combined with a compulsion to complete such an act ---made me think of myself as someone disgusting and morally wrong on every account.
It was painful too because it's not like I **wanted** to do any compulsive behavior, or to think, or act on any of that nonsense, because I wasn't INTERESTED in those things. I never was! !!!!
Literally the only way to distract myself from that nonsense was hyperfixating on a tv show, book, music, youtube --anything to distract me.
Now -- you see why, "Hypersexuality" is so much more than, "wants to have a lot of sex" or "being overly promiscuous" 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 🦆
I feel like the statement "Entering an episode isn't easy" is rather redundant, LOL.
But well and truly.
It isn't easy.
What gets me the most is the uncertainty.
I don't know when a new mood cycle is going to hit. For me -- I'm a rapid cycler. Mood switching happens more frequently than I'd like.
My mood journaling makes this fear and uncertainty obvious. I never know if I'll go to sleep and wake up normal, or more "able", or if I'll wake up zapped from all of my humanity.
When I'm hypomanic I can feel on top of the world -- like I've finally fixed my life and from now on I'll do everything right. I'll work out and eat right, and sleep when I'm supposed to, and read regularly, and engage socially --- blah blah blah blah bLAH.
(You get the point.)
Because that energy never stays. I'll "dip" and soon all I'll be able to think about is the agonizing question of how anyone can stay awake longer than 2 hours without needing a nap.
Literally me after 2 hours of being awake:
When I'm in a depressive episode, I go from being someone like "SENKUU" from Dr.Stone, to straight up being Sleepy Ash/Kuro from Servamp.
(My friends have also compared me to Shikamaru.) ....Not that this is anything important 🤪.
For this one, let me expand on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
OCD can be defined as:
"a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing/cleaning, checking on things, and mental acts like (counting) or other activities, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions."
Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder
I bring this up because intrusive thoughts come hand-in-hand with OCD. For Bipolar you can have auditory hallucinations -- like hearing voices, and / or you can have intrusive thought trains that are debilitating.
For me I have mental compulsions.
Often my intrusive thoughts will either be (1) Unwanted sexual thoughts that are disturbing or (2) Blasphemy aka a spiral of intrusive thoughts cursing out God as if its in my own voice
--> These force me to spend hours of my time constantly saying "Shut up" and "Stop" in my head. Doing my best to disrupt or distract myself away from the thoughts. As you can imagine -- that kind of makes it hard to focus on things in everyday life.
I stated this before but sometimes I have to imagine myself fighting my own intrusive thoughts. Though like 0.2 seconds later they start back up and the cycle continues.
This one shouldn't be all that surprising.
Depression can / is one of the constant fears of someone with BP. As it always looms ominously on the horizon like some sh*tty tax collector.
Like tbh -- I'm on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and blah blah blah--- I don't care if the antidepressants are making me hypomanic. I prefer that insanity compared to the depression.
Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS to have absolutely ZERO energy? To constantly have to nap, but it never makes a difference because like 15 minutes later you'll be just as tired as you were before, if not more?
FR I'm legitimately afraid of who I'll become or what will happen if I get off my antidepressants.
Like....when I say "I don't think I could live" (like that) I mean it. And that terrifies me.
Closing up on this part of the PPT, here's (of course) the link to the short movie that these slides reference:
youtube
[Prev] [Next]
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
#was originally going to add a video in this post#but again with tumblr nerfing me LOL#I'll be posting it next as an essay extra#my thougts#manic depression#dpr ian#dpr we gang gang#bipolaire#actually bipolar#fvcking moodswings ⚡️✌️#a scoup of life 🔫🦆#neurodiversity#neurodivergent#neurodiverse stuff#mental health#tw: mental illness#christian yu
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My headcanons about Desire of The Endless and aro/ace people
I have seen quite a lot of questions and headcanons about how does Desire of The Endless perceive aro and/or ace people, and how do they perceive Desire. So now I want to make a post with my own headcanons about this topic.
Today is The Valentine's Day, by the way, so maybe this topic is fitting for this day. I never liked to dedicate The Valentine''s Day only to the romantic kind of love, so today I wish people who read this any kind of love you need (if you need some) - either romantic, friendly, related, love to a pets, love to a homeland, love to the world or life at all, love to a favourite hobby, or anything else.
I'm also sorry for possible mistakes, my English is not very good.
So...
Firstly, I'm sure Desire is not surprised by aroace people at all. Desire lives for billions years already, they met a lot of living beings of very different species throughout the universe, they constantly feels all desires of all beings.
As I know, there is about 1 % of asexuals in humanity, and those are tens of millions of people. I suppose, there must be about the same persent of aromantics. And such people have always existed, most likely. So Desire must be very well aware of them.
I also think, among the different species inhabiting the universe there must be species which are fully aro and/or ace, all of their members. And there must be species whose sexuality/romanticity is not like human.
After all, aromanticity and asexuality are far not the most surprising peculiarities which living beings can have. Desire have seen much stranger things for all their life. So I think, for Desire those are just another usual characteristics humans and other beings can have.
And I think more than that.
Well, firstly, romanticity and sexuality are really just a smal parts of Desire, of all their sphere. There are so much more of desires, there are so much more importent and interesting desires. And not only for aroaces.
As I know, in the canon it is supposed that everyone sees in Desire something they want. And it seems, some fans think that means everyone sees Desire as someone who they could want in romantic and/or sexual way, that everyone who meets Desire becomes romantically and/or sexually attracted to them. But I think, it works in much more complex way.
Even for people who are not aroace their romantic and sexual desires are often far not the most strong and important desires. So I think, even not aroace person can see in Desire something not romantic/sexual, they can see something else they want.
For example, let's imagine a person whose the biggest desire is to be understood. If they meet Desire of The Endless, they might think (for some reason they could not even realise) Desire is the one who could understand them perfectly. Or let's imagine a person whose the biggest desire is to have a friend. They might see in Desire someone who could become a friend for them. Someone else might think Desire could be a perfect parent for them. Someone who feels defenceless might see Desire as a perfect protector for them. Someone who seeks the answer for some question might expect Desire to be the one who knows the answer. And so on. There could be an endless (pun intended) list of examples. And it doesn't matter whether a person who meets Desire is aroace or not. Hasn't it been said: "Desire is EVERITHING you have ever wanted"?
I'm not sure how exactly it must work. Does it depend more on a being who sees Desire, or does it depend more on how Desire wants to be perceived. I think, both, but I don't know what is more important. And I don't know does it always work. Maybe if a being already knows who Desire actually is, Desire's "aura" affects them less. Maybe sometimes it works in some unexpected way. For example, maybe sometimes a being can feel quite opposite emotions towards Desire instead of any kind of attraction. For example, fear. Or dislike. I assume this because, as I know, everyone of The Endless personifies also their opposite to some extent. And because the main emotion I feel towards Desire is fear. But maybe I'm fully wrong.
And I have another headcanon. I think, at the beginning of the universe, when Desire was born, the first living beings could have been something like aroace. Because I think, maybe those beings haven't had yet any physical and emotional features which are related to sexuality and romanticity as we understand those things nowadays. I think, Desire existed before such things came to existence.
And I have one more headcanon. I think, the very first desire in the universe, from which Desire of The Endless was born, was not romantic or sexual in any way. I think, that was curiocity. Not a curiocity to something particular, but a curiocity to the world, to the life at all. I imagine, soon after the first living being able to want was born, it looked around (or felt its surroundings in some other way) and it wanted to learn the world, to feel it in every possible way, to explore it. And that was the moment when Desire was born.
And I think, maybe since then every time someone meets Desire, the very first thing they feel towards them is always (or usually) a curiocity. And after that, when a being takes a closer look, they can feel some another kind of desire.
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hi! first of all, thank you for your blog! i'm a questioning aroace but i don't know much about it. i used to consider myself ace when i was 16, then i thought i was too little to know and now, when i'm almost 21, i found out more about aroace experiences and it just... feels right? i've dated twice. never kissed though. first time my girlfriend used to complain we were "just friends" and not "real" partners but i would always tell her i truly love her and that i see real love as best friendship. my second girfriend just accepted my way of love but a new problem occured. when we were friends and i was crushing on her, i could be affectionate and e.g. hug her, but when we got into a relationship i freaked out and was no longer touchy or flirty. she was fine with it though, but i broke up with her about a year later because this whole dating thing didn't feel right. i haven't been in a relationship for what seems like ages and i want one so bad!! but recently i've realized that many people don't see love the way i do. the first time i thought i might be aro was a year ago when i wrote a fanfic and showed it to my best friend. she texted me "it's nice and all but you described friendship. it's not love". and i was like???? but that's how i feel love? and she started sending me some charts about how passion is an important part of "real" love and that my description wasn't right. it made me want to cry. i thought... was there something wrong with me? around that time i tried to find out more about aro community but it was a bit scary. i thought these people were heartless because how can you NOT love someone romantically? then, when i had another crush, i told about it to that best friend i've already mentioned. she asked me to describe my feelings and when i explained them she said "it's not love, you wanna be friends". but i don't feel that way towards friends! i know it was a different feeling. still, i came to a realization that i might be aroace after all. although, a bit later i met an aroace guy online. we weren't that close, just chatted in a gc, but i messaged him asking for advice. and when i shared i might be aroace and told him about my way of seeing it he said "you're not aroace, you just don't like lovey dovey stuff". and now i'm so confused... but your blog really comforts me. i want to find myself in this world. and i think i really am aroace. but i have no one to talk to about it... i'm too scared i won't "fit in" again. so thank you for reading my message!!!! have a nice day!
Do you think it's possible you might be experiencing a type of tertiary attraction, Anon? Tertiary attraction is any type of attraction that isn't romantic or sexual, some common types are
Platonic attraction/squishes: This can feel very similar to romantic attraction and have a lot of the same symptoms, but doesn't feel romantic at all. Instead you want to be close to the other person, or be important them.
Alterous attraction: This can have romantic or platonic elements, but won't be fully either. If you think of platonic and romantic as being binaries, this would be a non-binary option. Very useful for people who feel like neither platonic nor romantic feels quite right when describing their attraction.
Aesthetic attraction: Basically being drawn to someone on an aesthetic level, and strong desire to look at or study the other person. Sometimes this attraction is described as being similar to a particularly moving piece of art or looking at something particularly beautiful.
Sensual attraction: a desire to connect in a tactile way with other people. Especially in a way that feels sensual like touching, cuddling, smelling, etc.
There's other types of tertiary but these are some of the more common ones (if you want to explore attraction in more detail, the LGBTIA Wiki has a great page on it.)
But yeah, it definitely sounds from this ask like you are experiencing some kind of attraction, so looking into attraction and different types of attraction may be helpful. One of the most helpful tricks for telling attraction apart is asking yourself what is the attraction making you want? Or what kind of pull are you feeling? Imagine different scenarios and see which one holds the most appeal to you.
Romance in general is tricky because it's not very well defined and it's very often described as 'you know it when you feel it'. Unlike sex where, while there may be some gray areas, people generally do agree on what sex is or isn't, there aren't really an actions that are always romance. Holding hands, giving people flowers, etc can all be romantic actions, but also can be platonic depending on the scenario.
So how do you know if your feelings are romantic or not? Romantic feelings feel romantic (which is so useless, right?). But there is an actual romantic feeling that makes people want to be in a relationship labeled as romantic or do actions or be in scenarios they view as romantic. Romantic people will often have scenarios that just feel romantic to them too that they'll want to play out with the people they're attracted to.
So if the idea of something feeling romantic, or having romantic scenarios in your head feels foreign to you, that could be a sign what you're experiencing isn't romantic. Similarly if you're attracted to someone, but would be happy in a relationship not defined as romantic, that could be another strong sign.
It's not always clear cut what is romantic feelings or not either, there are gray areas. Since you mention a few times that romance and friendship feel the same to you internally, I'd also suggest looking into these two labels:
Idemromantic: Someone who categorizes relationships as romantic or platonic but experiences no internal differences.
Platoniromantic: When someone experiences no difference between romantic and platonic attraction.
One last thing, based on how you describe relationships, have you looked into or heard about QPRs, Anon? QPR stands for queerplatonic relationship (sometimes also called quasiplatonic relationships or quirklyplatonic relationships). And that just means a realtionship that isn't easily categorized by romance or friendship. And they can be tailored to the people in the relationship and include the things they want but not what they don't want. If you really want a relationship but romantic relationships aren't working out for you or feeling right, this may be worth looking into. And you can have committed long term relationships in QPRs too.
So this is a lot of information, and it may take you a bit of time to go through it and process it. You don't have to figure everything out right away. But hopefully it gives you some direction to go in and some things to look into.
I wouldn't put too much stock in what other people have told you up until now, other people can't interpret your internal feelings, only you can do that. And both the aromantic and romantic spectrum are quite broad, and people can experience both in a lot of different ways.
Try and trust your own internal feelings and interpretations and go with what makes sense to you or what way of looking at things is useful for you. And frankly sometimes these things are a bit subjective anyways.
If you have more questions or want anything clarified, feel free to send in another ask.
All the best, Anon! Good luck!
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