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#a scoup of life 🔫🦆
scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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PART 2
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Out of all of Ian's songs, "So Beautiful" is one of my absolute favorites, especially the MV because of [again] the visuals and how accurately they convey what being Bipolar is like or what going through an episode is like.
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Often I have the hardest times knowing I'm in an episode (until it's escalated significantly) because I go from being "unable" or "meh" to being able, and --like the quote above;
I can't tell if I've entered into a mood episode, or if I'm generally just having a good day.
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You'll see this in a lot of my journal entries, but lack of control is major when (in my experience) it comes to being Bipolar.
Having no control over your own mental stability is "maddening"...for lack of a better term.
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Around three years ago, I watched SKAM France and began to wonder if I was Bipolar.
Seeing Eliot, all I could think was: "Yeah that's me."
But since I didn’t know if I actually had it — I started mood journaling — and eventually I went to a psychiatrist (don’t get it twisted, I went for depression LOL — and because I was seeking to find an ADHD evaluation), and yeah. I was diagnosed with both ADHD and Bipolar.
Now — you might ask: “How can you NOT know or realize you have bipolar disorder?” And ohooooo my friend, let me TELL you.
— Depressive Episodes—
In Bipolar (though no one experiences it the same way — it’s a spectrum, but there are some general commonalities), there tend to be more depressive episodes than manic or hypomanic episodes.
“Although mania and hypomania specifically identify bipolar illness, depression is of major concern in patients with bipolar disorder, because depressive symptoms are far more frequent than manic symptoms and most suicides occur during the depressive phase.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1324957/)
In this academic article about the burden of bipolar depression within bipolar disorder, it shares studies particularly on how Bipolar
Depression significantly impacts Bipolar patients.
People with Bipolar usually seek help when they’re in a depressive phase; and are therefore often misdiagnosed as MDD — Major Depressive Disorder. The problem with this is that MDD treatment, usually going onto antidepressants, can send the Bipolar patient into acute mania, mixed states, and/or rapid cycling states. (I will define these in a second.)
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...
“Bipolar disorder has a negative impact on virtually every facet of a patient's life, with depressive symptoms having a particularly strong effect on patient well-being. Depressive symptoms predominate over hypomanic/manic symptoms in the courses of both bipolar I and bipolar II disorders. In prospective studies of the natural history of bipolar disorder, bipolar I patients reported experiencing depression for 31.9% of weeks and hypomanic/manic symptoms for only 8.9%, whereas bipolar II patients reported depression for 50.3% of weeks and hypomanic/ manic symptoms for only 1.3%.”
“Similar findings on the prevalence of depressive symptoms were reported in a study of 258 outpatients admitted to the Stanley Foundation Bipolar Network. Approximately 25% of these patients reported being ill for more than three quarters of the year, with a mean of 214 days depressed, and 40% were intermittently ill, with a mean of 120 days depressed. An overview of findings from the Stanley Foundation Bipolar Network concluded that, despite treatment, bipolar outpatients remain significantly affected by their illness, with depressive symptoms posing a greater problem for effective treatment than mania.”
“Over 60% of patients in the Stanley Center Bipolar Disorder Registry were unemployed, despite the fact that 30% had completed college.”
“Termination of mood stabilizers may also have negative effects in patients with bipolar disorder. In published studies of patients with bipolar disorder who discontinued lithium treatment, suicide rates rose 20-fold and affective illness recurred in 67% of patients during the first year after discontinuation of lithium. Termination of treatment with other mood stabilizers, including the atypical antipsychotics, may be associated with negative outcomes.” 
These are quotes taken from the same source quoted above in red.
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[Right.]
So — for me, since my onset of Bipolar was around puberty (late middle school; early high school), added in with the emotional dysregulation of ADHD, my mood episodes were something I had gotten used to, and that I thought were normal. (LOL.)
Plus, I didn’t realize or know what hypomania and mania was; ergo—I only really recognized the major depressive episodes. “Ah, everyone gets depressed <33.” ←My bonkers thought process.
I didn’t realize my intensity of depression was something that people didn’t normally experience — in fact, I remember talking to my little sister, and she told me she barely ever got depressed, and when she did it was just for a short period of time. The ‘surprised pikachu’ meme would be apt here, LOL!
My wake-up call that it wasn’t normal was a tv show (SKAM — the french one; though I have watched the OG one.) that had an accurate portrayal of Bipolar Disorder in one of the main characters. The way they went from happy elation; that flirty feeling of being on-top of the world, to the fall into a major depressive episode.
That depression was all too familiar to me. Literally looked the EXACT fvcking same.
...
Three best portrayals of what my sudden depressive episodes look like: 
[1] Mr. Robot — Eliot bawling his eyes out in episode 1. (20:00 Minutes in Timestamp) 
(Link clip example here)
[2] Eliot Demury — Skam France (And Even — OG SKAM)  
[3] Ian Gallagher, Shameless (U.S)
— (Linked clip example here)
...
I don’t know how to exactly describe it. Sometimes there’s just this overflow of emotion that makes me either cry or laugh or both. But mostly….it’s the apathy. Nothing matters. Nothing. The reason I don’t really care anymore about others’ opinions is because once I felt that apathy — that feeling of emptiness; of not caring — because life was nothing; I was nothing. So anyone’s negative opinions of me didn’t matter, I didn’t care about myself, so whatever they said ‘was probably right’ ←in my head; but it was as good as dust to me because nothing and no one could beat the hate I had for myself, OR the sh*t I was telling myself.
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It’s fvcked up, I know. Even more fvcked up — is that there would be days I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I would lay in bed. I wouldn't eat, it would be rare if I got up to use the bathroom— and any responsibility I had, I would not attend to — and you couldn’t make me. I would sleep 17-18 hours a day. Tired of everything, I would have no energy.
I ended up losing a lot of weight in college because of this LOL. I also fainted because of this (rip). When I could function enough to eat, go to class, I would still be empty and fatigued. I would go to class, eat, and then spend the rest of my time sleeping.
Even in high school, I would have an exorbitant amount of “sick days.” And when I did go to school, when I got home I would do my (1) chore and then sleep. School, chore, sleep. School, chore, sleep. It was to the point that my parents thought I was on drugs because all I would do was sleep. LOL.
And that depression would last for months. If it lasted two weeks or less that would be lucky. Anyways, there was a period of time (a few months after I graduated college) that I was normal. I felt normal, I acted normal, I had normal amounts of energy.
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I remember telling my friends that (because I made a psychiatrist appointment) I wouldn’t tell them (the psychiatrist) about my depression because “Bah, it’s not that bad. I can sleep it off 🤪.” Anyways — I suddenly (and for no reason) fell into a depressive episode, and when that hit I was like, “Yeah I need to go tell the psychiatrist and get this figured out.”
I actually started treatment for depression before ADHD. And my depression was so bad, the antidepressants just barely made me functionable. Literally could not tell if they were working and my depression was that bad, or if they genuinely didn’t work. Anyways; yes they WERE working, my depression was just that bad. LOL.
(TW: Suicidal Ideation)
When I get low like this, if I start spiraling (which often happens) I get to the point where I think, constantly: “I don’t want to wake up anymore.” Sometimes I would even pray not to wake up anymore. I had crippling fatigue — so there was no energy to hurt myself. Which is why most of my mixed episodes are so dangerous.
Mostly though, when I’m down / dipping, I sleep. I just let myself do nothing, and sleep. Until it leaves, however long that may take.
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I've talked about my experience being manic a few times.
Here I talked about being euphoric
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Mania Episodes
I have had both euphoric AND irritated mania. And I have got to say — I liked the euphoric one; but FVCK the other one. 
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Mixed Episodes
Ok. Mixed episodes — where one has energy (manic symptoms) but irritation or depression / fatigue (depressive symptoms); basically it's a mix of both mania and depression.
For me — this is when I get into the most dangerous states.
Most of the time I’m so tired it actually hurts. It feels like the fatigue is killing me; like I’ve sunken into the dark circles under my eyes. Except the moment I lay down? BOOM! Wide fvcking awake.
The fatigue doesn’t leave, nor does the pain, but there’s this energy buzzing through me and it quickly turns into irritation because all I want to do is SLEEP, but I can’t! I fvcking can’t; and it kills me.
Theses are the times where any passive suicidal ideation become more active thoughts. Mostly about prescription drugs and overdosing. (Or things like drinking windex.)
Anyways —
I don’t ever act on these thoughts because I do like living (thank you very much >:o ); but that doesn’t mean those kinds of thoughts don’t happen. In fact ---a whole spiraling intrusive thought chain decides to party in my head until I DO fall asleep, or find something to distract me. (Not a fun time.)
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First — let’s just get this out of the way; Bipolar — aka the episodes, whether depressive, manic, or mixed — , are not caused by purely external events. It’s literal chemicals in the brain playing limbo with your mental health.
Now, can external events trigger an episode? Absolutely.
In fact, sleep is one of the strongest triggers for people with Bipolar disorder.
And I quote:
“ — It is essential that people with bipolar disorder practice good sleep hygiene. Ideally, you should go to sleep and wake up in a regular, predictable pattern and avoid activities that interfere with this schedule, including staying up late, drinking alcohol, and consuming caffeine. In order to promote a restful and regular sleep, create a ritual for yourself to get your mind and body prepared for bed. If you struggle to sleep, be sure to talk to your doctor about it so you can identify whether these sleep disturbances are a symptom of a mood episode and gain control over your sleep cycle before it triggers mood switching.”
— bridgestorecovery.com ‘Understanding Bipolar Disorder Trigger And How to Prevent Them’
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I have stated this before here and here
But blackouts can happen when you're in a manic state; these last few months I've had at least three black outs, spanning from a day, to a couple of days.
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/End of part 2 <333 /
[Prev] [Next]
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
And of course the MV:
youtube
Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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This'll be one of the last things I post about Bipolar Disorder for awhile. I recorded this because I don't think people understand just how quick a mood shift can be and also how meaningless it is -- happening for no reason whatsoever, and I really appreciate the way he explains his experiences.
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
Visual Clips (Depressive Episodes): (1), (2)
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Bipolar Essay PART 5
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Ian's short movie (part one) open with a voice over and then the first song that plays, aka the introductory song, is SERAPH.
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For me, "It's his last conversation with his God as he sets his wings on fire. In those moments when my world starts splitting, it's a question from me as to why it always has to be like this."
This line really **HIT**.
I have literally (in my online journal entries) written, "[God] Why have you forsaken me?" During one of my more debilitating episodes.
Because, ey yo? WHY does it always have to be like this?
Literally feels like we're a shattered teacup tossed to the floor, and now we can't be put back together ever again and we just have to constantly live with that knowledge that our own glass shards are what's killing us.
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And yet...."So hold me this one last time" is the last words Ian chooses to end the conversation he has with his God on, and that KILLS me even MORE.
Because, same.
(Lmao. If y'all aren't religious in any sense of the word, you might just be reading this like 'PSHsht' but bare with me.)
God to me is all that is beautiful in the world. He is
hope.
And so what do you think it feels like to be abandoned by hope itself?
:/
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Icarus is a very apt metaphor for someone with BD.
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Not a lot of people discuss the Hypersexuality aspect of Bipolar disorder.
To the point that even I -- someone WITH bipolar disorder -- had misconceptions about it.
One thing that I never knew was that the excessive sexual behavior, thoughts (and what not) were compulsive and unwanted. "Seemingly uncontrollable."
I learned this about hypersexuality in a podcast, actually -- where the host (who has BD), and a psychiatrist, discuss bipolar things -- hypersexuality being one of the things they discussed.
The host even stated that he once called / texted his family that he was sick instead of going to a get together because he was so horny that he spent that entire day m@$terbAiTing. Like 20 times in the span of a few hours.
(Which isn't healthy, and def. something the psychiatrist said she would hear and go, "yeah. That's not normal.")
The host stated that sometimes he wasn't even turned on at all. But he still felt the compulsion to follow through on the act. (Y'kno, because its a compulsion.)
I don't think these aspects of hypersexuality get discussed enough. I was fr sitting there listening to that podcast like:
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Not that anyone needed or wanted to know this, but I am basically aroace (more ace, less aro, LOL) through and through.
Unfortunately for me, I would suddenly have bouts of hypersexuality during hypomanic and manic episodes which caused me a lot of confusion and self-loathing.
Going from absolutely no sexual thoughts, interests, or desires, to suddenly a plethora of all of those things combined with a compulsion to complete such an act ---made me think of myself as someone disgusting and morally wrong on every account.
It was painful too because it's not like I **wanted** to do any compulsive behavior, or to think, or act on any of that nonsense, because I wasn't INTERESTED in those things. I never was! !!!!
Literally the only way to distract myself from that nonsense was hyperfixating on a tv show, book, music, youtube --anything to distract me.
Now -- you see why, "Hypersexuality" is so much more than, "wants to have a lot of sex" or "being overly promiscuous" 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 🦆
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I feel like the statement "Entering an episode isn't easy" is rather redundant, LOL.
But well and truly.
It isn't easy.
What gets me the most is the uncertainty.
I don't know when a new mood cycle is going to hit. For me -- I'm a rapid cycler. Mood switching happens more frequently than I'd like.
My mood journaling makes this fear and uncertainty obvious. I never know if I'll go to sleep and wake up normal, or more "able", or if I'll wake up zapped from all of my humanity.
When I'm hypomanic I can feel on top of the world -- like I've finally fixed my life and from now on I'll do everything right. I'll work out and eat right, and sleep when I'm supposed to, and read regularly, and engage socially --- blah blah blah blah bLAH.
(You get the point.)
Because that energy never stays. I'll "dip" and soon all I'll be able to think about is the agonizing question of how anyone can stay awake longer than 2 hours without needing a nap.
Literally me after 2 hours of being awake:
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When I'm in a depressive episode, I go from being someone like "SENKUU" from Dr.Stone, to straight up being Sleepy Ash/Kuro from Servamp. (My friends have also compared me to Shikamaru.) ....Not that this is anything important 🤪.
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For this one, let me expand on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
OCD can be defined as:
"a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing/cleaning, checking on things, and mental acts like (counting) or other activities, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions."
Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder
I bring this up because intrusive thoughts come hand-in-hand with OCD. For Bipolar you can have auditory hallucinations -- like hearing voices, and / or you can have intrusive thought trains that are debilitating.
For me I have mental compulsions.
Often my intrusive thoughts will either be (1) Unwanted sexual thoughts that are disturbing or (2) Blasphemy aka a spiral of intrusive thoughts cursing out God as if its in my own voice
--> These force me to spend hours of my time constantly saying "Shut up" and "Stop" in my head. Doing my best to disrupt or distract myself away from the thoughts. As you can imagine -- that kind of makes it hard to focus on things in everyday life.
I stated this before but sometimes I have to imagine myself fighting my own intrusive thoughts. Though like 0.2 seconds later they start back up and the cycle continues.
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This one shouldn't be all that surprising.
Depression can / is one of the constant fears of someone with BP. As it always looms ominously on the horizon like some sh*tty tax collector.
Like tbh -- I'm on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and blah blah blah--- I don't care if the antidepressants are making me hypomanic. I prefer that insanity compared to the depression.
Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS to have absolutely ZERO energy? To constantly have to nap, but it never makes a difference because like 15 minutes later you'll be just as tired as you were before, if not more?
FR I'm legitimately afraid of who I'll become or what will happen if I get off my antidepressants. Like....when I say "I don't think I could live" (like that) I mean it. And that terrifies me.
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Closing up on this part of the PPT, here's (of course) the link to the short movie that these slides reference:
youtube
[Prev] [Next]
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Since I finally finished making my powerpoint I decided it was time to share it -- and my way of doing that (of course) is by analyzing my hyperfixation for the last four-ish months
DPR IAN.
Some things to know:
DPR Ian was born Christian Yu on September 6th, 1990. (So rn he's 32.)
He was born and raised in Australia
He has Bipolar Type 1
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My Experience With Bipolar Disorder 
I think that since I am trying to spread awareness about Bipolar and what it’s like — I believe that I should share my own experience. (Hence my eventual inclusion of personal journal entries.)
What’s hard about Bipolar Disorder or BD / BP -- is that there isn’t a lot of  awareness about it. I honestly thought my wacky-a$$ behavior was normal, up until I saw an accurately-represented person going through a Bipolar episode — with the aftermath — in a tv show. Which equated to:
“ö!!” response.
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Starting with facts
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......
Now, on towards Ian's music.
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I’ll only lightly touch on this for now because I know I’ll be going more thoroughly in-depth later about these metaphors/motifs; but some of the big things recurrent in DPR Ian’s music videos, song lyrics — etc., are that of Oceans/Lakes (drowning); Moon cycles and Werewolves; Storms. Other things that frequently pop up: Eyes, colors — aka their distinct and purposeful use of displaying something, isolation, religion, medication, fire/burning, guns / shooting, and finally — Suicidal Ideation. 
(Yes, that last one is especially important for the topic we’ll be discussing.)
These metaphors — motifs — images / lyricism — are representative of BP. I think the best of all of them involve the moon and werewolves. But oceans / lakes and storms are also just as good. This is because these things are: 
Natural — out of control of human hands 
Cyclical — for oceans / lakes it’s the tides; storms — obviously by seasons. 
Can leave a decent amount of destruction, no matter how beautiful it is. 
[Moving on....]
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N E R V E S
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above are screenshots from Ian's song "Nerves" -- these shots in particular showcased religious imagery, which I found fascinating, based on how deeply entwined religious themes are in his videos / songs.
Ian often likens himself in the position of the devil, the one banished from heaven. There's a dichotomy in his songs, music, imagery, (etc) ; where he's an "angel" and cherished by the creator, and then (when a mood episode comes on) there's this bitterness of abandonment....though I'll expand on that later.
TLDR; Ian is always questioning "WHY" he must live in a looped cycle of intense a$$ emotional highs and lows- of having that burden of being bipolar.
This is why "And you left" -> the shot cuts away from the cross on the road.
Ian is showing (literally, through imagery / his creative vision &lt;3), that he is at a "crossroads" 🤪.
"I still can't believe I left you alone"
Here, the cross is blurred out. So although Ian is saying this about himself, he's also mirroring it to God. "I still can't believe you left me alone." This is why the cross is blurred. Because his God's image or visage isn't "visible" or fully "clear" to him.
"It tore me down to pieces"
Here, Ian looks (visually) like he's kneeling / praying. This accompanied with the lyrics, "It tore me down to pieces" is another way he subtly shows how when God has blurred himself away, when Ian feels most abandoned in his darkness -- that which was hard, only hurts ten times more.
"Don't worry about me, cause I'm doing fine"
Interestingly, the cross is red, which represents love, but can also represent anger.
Here Ian says he's doing "fine" and now we see a cross that isn't blurred out, it's fully visible and outlined in red. Ian's not alone anymore, hence why you don't need to worry about him.
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(I'll expand on the list above more as we go on)
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Dude, Ian's interview quote fvcking SLAPS.
Especially because he perfectly described what **I** felt / what it feels like when you enter into a major depressive episode. Often there would be days where that was all I could feel --nothing. Blank. Empty.
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Last slide of part (1) .
So I'll go ahead and link the MV here:
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I know I have used a screen recording clip of "Nerves" within these past four months when I was rapid-cycling through manic and depressive episodes like a clown juggling barrels of oil lit on fire.
So YEAH. I think it perfectly (visually) portrays what it feels and looks like when you're going through these episodes.
[Next]
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
Visual Clips (Depressive Episodes): (1), (2)
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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man guys,,, having adhd sucks so bad sometimes
literally trying to do anything rn is like the equivalent of eating sandpaper
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Oh, so you're not that much older than me, cuz I graduated high school in 2017 and college in 2021...so I'd say you're like 24-25? As for college major...idk, creative writing? Or something in film? Since you tend to analyze revice and donbrothers with that sort of critical eye...but also maybe business?
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I'm a 98-liner lmao so you are spot on, my friend. :D
Major wise,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
None of those, but CLOSE.
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Welcome to the Show -BD PPT Part 10
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Again, I have ADHD and BD and can agree that yes, My ADHD symptoms sucked extra hard when added to the early BD onset.
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The below entry shows (1) binge-eating and (2) OCD intrusive-esque thoughts.
[Journal entry]
October 1st, 2022
Sabbath, 3:24 PM
Last night I went to bed at about 6:00 AM. Today I woke at 2:30-ish. 
The first thing I noticed when I got out of bed was (1) I was very tired, (2) my neck hurt just a bit, so I slept on it wrong—not badly enough though—because it doesn’t hurt at all now, praise the lord; (3) hungry. 
There was a hunger about me. 
I remembered how last night like a desperate man I scavenged through our kitchen. I think it’s the mania making me hungry, because I just felt this overwhelming need to eat something. 
The caramel was gone, as was the jam, so I had taken an apple we got on wednesday that we bought from a farmer lol, and now it was all I had. So I ate about half of it. 
These honey crisp apples taste really good. I kind of chided myself for indulging in one though, because my stomach was burning pain—like scabs inside my gut, or internal bleeding—and I had trouble with even the idea of consuming any kind of solid food. My dad brought home instant mashed potatoes because of this. So, what in the world was I doing at 4:00 in the morning??? Eating an apple when I know solid food isn't going to go down well? (Doesn’t matter cause I ate it anyway, lmao.) 
But I was still hungry—so I ate old taco bell beef-corn tortilla hard shell—tacos that sat on the stove. (That can’t be a healthy dietary choice LOL.) After I finished one of them, I went back to my room, I don’t know to do what, probably waste time on youtube or with editing screenshots from Donbrothers episode 19, and man my stomach took to that taco like gasoline to fire. 
Almost immediately I regretted making that choice. 
But then an hour later I went back to the leftover taco bell, and had some of the dorito taco (not all of it), just maybe ⅓ or half. [Then I fvcked around and went to bed maybe a few hours later.] 
Today is sabbath—so y’know—I’m supposed to be resting. And I AM. 
Comma, space, however—
Well. There are just things that I want to do. I’ve gathered my sketchbook, [insert a bunch of writing journals and reference books] and also my pencil case. 
(LMAO.) 
Ngl though, the fact that it’s 4:00 PM had the burning—lightning-ous—feeling, back inside my stomach. I had it before I even started this journal entry, and I still have it now. Like my mind—or more aptly, my fvcking stupid-a$$ intrusive thoughts (Kyle <3) —  just kept repeating:
 “ah, the day is over, you didn’t do anything, the day is over, you didn’t do anything, the day is basically already finished and what are you doing? Sitting here on the couch knowing that you will never be able to do any of the things that you want to do, because the day is over and you’ve already done nothing. You’ve done it again. The only thing it seems you **are** able to do—  nothing. Isn’t that funny? Now you’ll have to try again on Sunday, and inevitably fail again. The day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over  the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over
 the day is over—” 
ENOUGH! 
And whenever I look at the clock, or think about the time, or even just see the shadows in the curtains, my thoughts do it all over again—and again—and again. 
Then I can feel the breath in my throat, and all the energy inside my stomach just is everywhere. Anxiety. 
(Not a great feeling lmao.) 
So yeah—I’ll try and come back here before I go to bed ( I mean, don’t count on it LOL), and so ….yeah. I got nothing else to really say rn other than, uh, see you later? (Lordt.) 
[entry end]
The above entry I think does a good job at showing binge-eating. It’s super easy for people with BD to end up with an eating disorder.
I fvcking fainted in college because I slept during the cafeteria hours so I was surviving on like…vending machine m&ms. Not to mention when I get in those depressive periods I can go full days without eating because I either can’t get out of bed or the idea of eating makes me nauseous.
And then there will be days where I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, and almost like sleep-walk in a daze to the kitchen and eat whatever I can get my hands on no matter how sh*tty and unappetizing it is.
Anyways—all this to say that BD comes with extra baggage of mental illness 😵‍💫🤤🥴🤕👻👾👾👾👾👽🙀😮‍💨🫠.
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Still cannot stop laughing at the youtube comment LOL.
"Wow! Bipolar people are human too!" Like yeah, who would've thought
🤪
Just goes to show how powerful and prevalent stigma is for mental illness -- but esp. for BD.
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Hopefully this info helps get rid of that stigma >:/
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....༼ง’̀-‘́༽ง
༼ง’̀-‘́༽ง mfer
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If someone tells you they’re Bipolar, that can be a very real and very big thing. That means they trust you. So writing it off as, “that doesn’t matter to me” comes off as insensitive because it matters to US, bro. It fvcking matters to us.
I was watching a podcast where the speaker (who had Bipolar) was talking about their experience where they met this guy that seriously did not believe Bipolar was a real actual thing and thought those people needed to “get over themselves.” Which infuriates me to the SEVENTH degree. It’s also wild asf, but again.
Y’all don’t know SHXT when it comes to Bipolar
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For those still asking this question:
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tldr; y'all don't know SHXT about Bipolar. x2
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"Y'all" including mental health professionals and doctors 🤪
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naw fr though.
Normally I would be like "yeah, whatever" but using that as an adj can get tricky ESPECIALLY if you start using it to describe a person because then you might spread unintentional bias and misinformation onto others.
"Oh --Vegas is bipolar?" No. He is NOT bipolar.
Don't. fvcking. Use. That. ADJECTIVE!!!
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So, Werewolves = Bipolar in a nutshell
(Let me explain lmao.) 
Werewolves have 2 sides to themselves — the human side, which is mainly present and in control, and the beast — which comes out every moon cycle or so, raises all sorts of hell, and then disappears. Always leaving the human counterpoint to deal with the aftermath. 
Humans that turn into werewolves prepare for full moons — often going into isolation so as to not hurt their loved ones, or irreparably damage their life, and the lives of those around them. 
With a good support system, a werewolf can live a normal life (mostly), where their other-self isn’t always wrecking havoc. For people with Bipolar, it’s the same. We are not always werewolves. We are often human. Our illness is cyclical — it will always have a new cycle, and it cannot be cured. When we have an “episode” — though no two bipolar people are the same; how we act, think, feel, and what we do can change. We are not separate from “the beast,” however. Both sides are very much the same person. Though they can be drastically — drastically —  different.  
In his interview with Rolling Stone, Ian stated (about one of the songs on his album): 
“— On “Miss Understood,” it’s a character’s diary entry where she fell in love with Ian but she kinda fell in love with MITO, too. It comes from personal experience; I want to date when I’m Ian, but there was one moment where she liked the darkness in me, which was weird because it’s like, “You don’t really know what this brings.” But she stuck around, and it was hard to be me in front of her. There was a sense of inferiority, for sure, because I know how different I am between my states, but also I was very cautious not to give my all in that [down] state because I’m not wanting to hurt someone mentally. So I’d just seclude myself. A lot of the songs in this album hit on this note.”
For the moon, Bipolar episodes are (as previously stated, perhaps multiple times) cyclical. They run in cycles — over and over and over again. The days come and go, but then there will always be that transition into a full moon, just as how the entire moon will also eventually completely disappear from sight during a New Moon. (Plus the connection / belief popular culture has with the superstition that a Full Moon brings madness with it / lunacy.) 
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So we’ve finally come to the end of this PPT series…genuinely hoped this was enlightening to anyone it happened to come across.
If you have any other questions feel free to comment or dm me. 🥳
PREV
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
Visual Clips (Depressive Episodes): (1), (2)
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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I think the funniest L I've ever taken is finding out me and Vash the Stampede have the same exact personality type 🤪
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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This
is why I didn’t liveblog yesterday night 🤡
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[No one asked; but in real life my personality and style is the same as Bangchan’s— esp in the ABCDEFG part ]
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Bipolar Essay Extra #5
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I don't have anything to add here --but I can feel a depressive episode coming on as well, so I think he explains it correctly LOL.
PREV
NEXT
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]
Visual Clips (Depressive Episodes): (1), (2)
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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aight y'all.
I'll finish the movie tonight but I gotta get around for work
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Bipolar Essay Extra #4
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A solid a$$ explanation of BD from Ian:
So, to add in some of my own experience here, I'll put in some of my journal entries, and then go a little in-depth:
[Friday, June 3rd 2022]
(20:54 — 8:54 PM) 
Oh, great. The insanity is back. 
Now, this type of insanity is hard to describe. Just…wired energy. Like anxious energy spazzing through me like I just took 9 shots of caffeine.” 
(End of entry.)
My thoughts:
Okay--so I still vividly remember the energy. Ian said there's so much energy, so much ideas, and that it gets to a point where you start losing sanity, and that's the point I was at. I just had all this energy inside of me, my mind was going 200 miles a minute but with 3 different voices, my hands were trembling, and I couldn't do anything because the energy was too my mortal coil to handle 🤪.
...
[September 15th 2022 — Thursday, 2:24 AM. ]
Currently fvcking tripping right now. I don’t think my mood stabilizers are doing the thing that they should be doing. Like I am out of my mind right now. I feel inSANE. Not bad-insane yet, but I know I’m going to have trouble sleeping. I….want to write and draw and watch Donbrothers but all this energy doesn’t want to do any of this. Like for some reason I want to go out running and screaming maybe, like I could jog five miles— but? This energy does not want to write or draw or watch sh*t or liveblog. It’s frustrating, but I can’t even be frustrated? Because my mood is just elevated lol. I feel fvcking crazy right now. 
The Moodswings movie (part 1) for this album [DPR Ian’s] is…something I greatly relate to. I see myself in that video. That’s me. Dude, it’s like looking through a mirror. Damn, it just reminded me of how shaky I was like a month ago when my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing and I felt like I was spiraling out of control at work. Dude that sh*t was hard. Right now I feel good, but I know this high isn’t….normal lol. These last few days have been somewhat like this, but this is the most energized and elated  I feel. To the point that I can’t even get upset. Like, yoINks. 
[End of entry]
Bro I hit that euphoric mania and got lost in the sauce And --warning ahead, the next entry I'm putting under this one was when I was deep into that euphoric mania. You can tell too cause my thoughts are all over the place.
[October 3rd, 2022]
Monday, 5:35 PM 
Too Much, Too Much, All at Once, ah FvCK
Everything is glowing. Like all the light sources are especially bright and so it’s hard to focus on any one thing because all this light is shining at me and my eyes are going in and out of focus. Right now I can’t stare at the computer screen. I can’t focus on it, it’s like my eyes start seeing everything in this room at once, and it’s all so bright, and I can’t think when it’s like this. Tomorrow is trash pick up day, so I finally got the garbage out of my room and …now there is a lot more space— fvck. I feel like I’m trembling but it’s not my body—maybe just my eyes. 
Man trying to gesture draw like this is going to be real sh*tty I can already tell. 
Uh, I hope this entry is coherent, I don’t feel very coherent right now. Just zazzed.  
I got a tab up, “Guide to Mental Health Acronyms,” because I want to finally know and remember what the fvckin acronym for “bipolar disorder” is. BitJazz borderline personality making everything all complicated. (Damn, mfer I am TRIPPING.) 
[6:12 PM]  WhOOPS—sorry, y’all. Got distracted texting J (and then this other acquaintance). Though all I’m inclined to text rn is just nonsense gibberish, occasionally in a nonsense rhyme scheme, and featuring a few thrown in completely-made-up words that just feel right. Man, on tumblr today — I was on the manic depression tag — I saw a post talking about grandeur delusions, but their delusions were “the belief that I could finally change for the better, start eating healthy everyday, working out everyday, cooking and cleaning everyday” and I was like—
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Damn, holmes! I guess I was more fvcked outta my mind then I thought. (I remember, idk how many weekends ago, having that same exact thought process and feeling because DAMN was I capable in that moment—ah. )
[6:28 PM] 
Sorry—was texting an acquaintance again. Wanted to share the above meme, and so I sent it once, and then a few texts later I sent it again. (Because it makes me laugh, LOL!!!!) Anyways, when I read tha— I need to get myself some more multivitamins lest I evaporate and die. 
FVCK
[6:40 PM] 
Damn I wish I could read. Right, right—that tab with the Mental Health Acronyms thing. Riiiiight. The Mental Health Acronyms tab ,,, the tab involving mental Health Acro— 
(lol) 
[8:28 PM] 
I’ve done some gesture drawing. Decided to move the 30 second timer (since I’ve done 70 drawings with it) to 2 minutes. My mind is fireworks. AAhhHHHHLHH;hhHH. Just read a tumblr post that said, “Being manic is feeling stuck in a perpetual loop of vertigo” and yah. I’ll drink to that bro. (LOL). 
I just found the perfect description. (Found, in my own thoughts, that is.) Right now, what I’m experiencing is like if I put on those red+blue 3-D glasses at the movie theater, except it's not red or blue, just light and so now I’m tripping tf outta my mind. 
(Unrelated) But a solid description of how I’ve been with my money these last like 5 months, literally the equivalent of: “Wow! I spent $50 on buttons in a variety of colors because I saw them and thought, ‘aw those are such cute little fkin buttons! I can place them all over my house and every time I see one I’ll be filled with immense joy because they’re just so fkin cuteeeeeeeeeee.’ And then when the buttons arrive being like, “What the fvck???/ What tHE FVCK?????” But then buying $50 more like 2 weeks later. 
Absolutely, 3 billion percent embarrassing behavior.
[End of entry excerpt ....it goes on for much longer LOL]
Anyways, I think these do a good job of showing what the mind of someone going through a manic episode is like--constantly switching thoughts, getting distracted, not all coherent, yada yada yada.
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4)
Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
[Prev]. [Next]
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Merry Christmas Scoups 🥳
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Merry Christmas 🎄🎁
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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I mentioned in part 6 of my BD PPT Essay ([6]) about how "the blues" or bipolar depression was something known as a rather big fear for those with bipolar disorder.
This is because BD is Cyclical.
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A series of events that happen again and again and again.
The episodes may come on at any point, any where, randomly, and or for no reason whatsoever. But they **WILL** come.
Even if you're medicated it doesn't 100% guarantee you won't still end up having episodes here and there. That's just how it is, and all you can do is your best to hunker-down and weather the storm.
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(This is also why I really like THIS video.)
I think it does a magnificent job of showing bipolar as it is --
Ups and downs.
The moments (like in the picture above) where Ian looks so joyous and happy, I bet anyone would think:
"**This** guy can get so depressed he doesn't get out of bed? He isn't able to shower or function? He gets suicidal?"
And the answer is: YES.
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One moment you can be happy and normal but (like a light switch, a SUPER sh*tty light switch) it clicks from "balanced" to either "manic / hypomanic" or "depressed"
And when it hits depressed or, literally mania / hypomania?
Everything is out the fvcking window.
There doesn't have to be a reason. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't. That's why I think a "light switch" is the perfect metaphor for such switches / mood changes.
Anyways.
My point here --- is that Bipolar is cyclical --- it's a never-ending cycle, and those with it just have to live with it. :/
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)
Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
[PREV] [NEXT]
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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Bipolar Essay Extra #2
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The Video below is a clip from one of Ian's INSTA lives where he talks about his fear of manic episodes taking over, and how it effects or can effect his life.
...
...
[Prev] [Next]
PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]
PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)
Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)
Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
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scoups4lyfe · 1 year
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YOU ARE BACK!!!! YAYYY!!
What's up? How's your health now?
HEYYYYYY
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Well, I’ve finished my treatment for the kidney infection :D.
I have another doc appointment this Thursday and psychiatrist appointment on Friday LOL!!!
For now I’m also taking acid blockers to help with my digestion / internal inflammation.
Mostly my biggest L has been nutrition—
I’m doing my best to be healthy and what not but my body nerfs me in some type of way — appetite, digestion, blah blah blah
Tldr;
I lost an unhealthy amount of weight because I can’t digest anything and I could barely eat anything for like a week;
My sis told my mom she thinks I should be institutionalized because she’s afraid I’m going to die from malnutrition 🦆.
Anyways, things are starting to … hopefully, get better ❤️‍🩹.
I’m actually ABLE to eat so >:].
Go stupid go crazy 😛
I feel the need to state here— I don’t have an eating disorder (in the traditional sense). About a year and a half ago I was suddenly unable to eat: wheat, peanuts, egg whites, milk/anything with lactose 🤪
That’s like. Almost every food ever. LOL.
Most things are made with wheat flour, or eggs or blah blah blah.
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So completely changing my diet had me fked up for 6 months; I adjusted — but then my health continued to worsen, and in July we finally learned I had an intestinal infection called H. Pylori—all of July I was treated for that.
The first week of august was okay….and then I slowly started to worsen, more and more and more, until the Nov 1st ER trip <33. Where they told me I had a kidney infection. (And as stated before, I just finished treatment for that.)
Anyways; I LOVE food I LOVE eating; but bro. Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS when it genuinely hurts to eat? When I am constantly fighting against having no appetite, and the constant nausea after like 3 spoonfuls of food—do y’all know how desolate and desperate that can make a person? Blah >:O
Right.
Half the problems I’ve had with productivity in November can be directly correlated with low blood sugar making it so I can’t think worth of shxt 🫥👻
Mentally —
I think I’ve been okay? I mean whew. Literally last Monday to Wednesday I went through the WORST fvcking paranoia. Y’all would not even BELIEVE— 😩
This Friday I’ll be reconvening with my psychiatrist on what we should do (med wise 🤪).
So yeah — those are the basics of my situation.
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(Lmao just now realizing idek if I even told y’all the extent of my intestinal and digestion issues 🥸.)
While I wasn’t on tumblr, I was going stupid and crazy on PPT. The bipolar ppt got like
80 fvcking slides
I’m not quiteeee finished with it yet; but I’m close. I (of course <33) plan on pasting the PowerPoint here—as well as my essay and research and sh*t
And with that
I plan on posting a compilation of my journal entries relating to bipolar / to further show (literally) what the mind / thoughts of a bipolar person is like; etc etc etc
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And — of course <3; I made sure to edit all the important / private info out, so fr it’s just reading basically “anon” diary / journaling entries LOL!
Yeehaw y’all
❤️‍🩹✌️
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