#I don’t want to do it (anything except sleep)
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Blood Ties Chapter 29
Series Masterlist
Warnings: Slightly graphic depictions of labor and childbirth
A/N: Maybe a cliffhanger. Maybe not. You'll have to read to find out! ;) Daryl is definitely ooc in this. I'm sorry, I tried to get as close as I could to how he might react. Also, the saying he uses is one we use in the south that means "how is that relevant?" You'll know it when you read it, lol.
“About 4cm now. Progressing nicely.” Hershel informed, wiping his hands on a cloth that Carol had provided.
Rick and T-Dog were out doing yet another night run in the van. It was also low on fuel but the map showed another town close by. Fuel, gloves, and other necessities were on the list. Glenn was on watch with Daryl for backup if anything happened. It wasn’t an ideal situation but it couldn’t be helped.
Thumper was calling the shots at that point.
Before the men had left, Daryl had confiscated all the blankets except for those that were for Lori and Carl. When Glenn began to complain, one look from the anxiety-driven archer had brought the young man very close to hiding behind Rick. While some blankets were used for your comfort, others were fashioned into a tent-like structure over the bare branches of a decently sized bush. You needed some sense of privacy.
Carol and Lori had dug through the maternity clothes that hadn’t been lost on the road and found a button up dress. It was comfortable and made things much easier than leggings.
After your immediate needs had been met, Daryl then perched himself just beside your shoulder and hadn’t moved since.
“S’the number we’re aimin’ for?” He asked with frustration lacing his tone, making sure the blankets were back over you and tucked tight to keep you warm. He had been muttering to himself how he wished he had made time to read the rest of the books. Daryl was not a man that liked being in the dark on anything. It made him feel helpless, as you had learned over the last several months.
“She needs to be at 10cm and the baby needs to be in the correct position before she can push.” The old man positioned the ear tubes of the stethoscope before pressing it against several spots on your belly. “Heart beat is strong. Everything is looking good.”
You had remained quiet until that moment. “Do I just—I don’t know—lay here?”
“Walking encourages the cervix to dilate and soften. Once you dilate a little further, the contractions will likely be stronger, whether painful or not.” The calmness that man practiced really made you want to strangle him with that stethoscope. “Make sure you don’t go alone, and—”
“She ain’t.” Daryl snapped.
Hershel shot him an admonishing look. “As I was saying, take breaks. Sleep when you can. I’ll check you periodically. You’ll need to keep timing the contractions, son.” Daryl nodded. “Sip small amounts of water, no food. Keep me informed of any changes. And as unpleasant as it may sound, if you feel the pressure and urge as if you may need to have a bowel movement, call for me immediately.”
You, as well as Daryl, reared back, lips curling.
“The fuck that gotta do with the price’a fish?” The archer queried, not so nicely.
“Settle down. The pressure from the baby’s head moving into the birth canal can feel similar to that.” Shaking his head, Hershel shuffled his way out of your tiny tent.
Finally alone, you turned onto your side and scooted your upper body toward Daryl. He stretched out his legs so you could rest on his thigh.
“Get some rest.” His hand wiggled beneath the blanket and rubbed up and down the length of your upper arm, but moved to your belly when another contraction took over. Without prompting, he slid his warm palm around to your lower back and applied the least bit of pressure, rubbing small circles. You buried your face into his thigh to ride it out, but you had to admit the light massaging helped, if only a little.
“You’re supposed to be—” You were panting when you rolled your head to remind him, but found the watch already lifted to eye level, his gaze shifting from it to your stomach.
“Sleep if ya can. I got this.” His brow was furrowed in concentration, your heart swelling and warm. Any worry you had entertained of him running when things got real, just gone in an instant. He was there. He was there.
“I’ll try.” You whispered, the pain finally an afterthought. You felt him slide his hand back to the side of your stomach before you let yourself succumb to exhaustion.
“Sorry, Sunshine. Doc says up, so up ya get.”
You let Daryl take your dead weight and pull you up by a grip beneath your arms, making it as difficult as possible so you might get to stay in your warm little nest. You were still at 4cm. Hershel had said you had to start walking to help labor progress.
“This isn’t fair.” You whined, rubbing your back once you were upright. The pain that accompanied each contraction had lessened but was still ever present. “Can’t you walk and I dilate?”
Daryl snorted. “Don’t think that’s how it works.” He placed a careful hand on the small of your back and kept your pace, slow as it was.
“Okay, then how about if it gets worse, I kick you in the balls and punch you in the kidneys so you can participate properly?” You were only half joking.
“If it gets ya through this, I guess.” The archer shrugged. You regarded him with a skeptical brow arched.
“You’d really let me do that?”
“Hell nah, but s’the thought that counts or some shit like that, right?” He didn’t even try to dodge the smack you aimed at his shoulder.
“You’re hilarious.” You deadpanned, even as you leaned into him while you strolled in circles around the perimeter. The moonlight caught the watch in his right hand, his finger tapping against the casing. Bless him, he was taking his role of supportive partner very seriously. You gasped when the next contraction came, stopping to bend slightly and breathe through it while Daryl secured an arm around you and flipped open the watch.
When it was clear you weren’t falling, he slid his hand to the middle of your back and massaged the length of your spine using gentle pressure from the heel of his palm. He never said much—if anything—during the episodes themselves, but kept you informed of the timing of each one.
“Oh, goddamnit, this one sucks.” You managed through clenched teeth. You swayed slightly when it was over, grasping blindly for the man next to you.
“Thirteen minutes since the last’un. A minute, twelve.” He was slow and careful when turning you back toward camp. “Let’s getcha back to Hershel.”
You shook your head. “One last loop, then we can go back.” Daryl didn’t say anything but you felt him tense. “I’m sure. They’re just getting a little more painful in the stomach, less in the back.”
He still hesitated. “Alright. One more.”
Hershel stepped into your path before you started the second loop, allowing Daryl to fill him in on the last contraction.
“Do one more. Rest. And then again.” The old man ordered curtly.
Once he had vanished back toward the small fire, you mocked his words. “Rest and then again.” Daryl shook his head beside you. “I mean seriously, how much help can walking actually be?”
“Fuuuuuck!” You were digging your fingers into the blankets below you, swatting away Carol’s hand when she tried to dab your face with a piece of cloth. Daryl was sitting beside you, wide-eyed and lost, the watch forgotten by his leg. Hershel was between your knees, sporting his medical gloves that had been brought back by Rick and T-Dog.
The archer cleared his throat. “She alright?”
“Do I look alright, Daryl?!” You hissed, making an admirable attempt at breathing the way Carol was instructing. The contraction finally ended and you fell back onto the folded blankets. “I’m sorry.” You found his worried blue eyes easily and fumbled for his hand.
“S’okay.” He whispered, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb.
“She’s at 6cm. We can still time the contractions but I think she may need your attention more than that watch does now.” Hershel reached for the item and placed it in his pocket once Daryl handed it over. “Keep moving but stay closer, no more perimeter walks.”
Daryl nodded, you whimpered.
“I’ll be back soon to check again. If we’re lucky, things will move a little faster now that you’re in active labor.” Hershel left the tent while Carol fixed your dress.
“I know it hurts, but you two will have little Thumper in your arms in just a matter of hours.” She smoothed your hair and tucked it behind your ears. “You’re doing great.”
“I don’t feel like I’m doing great.” You murmured, ducking your head almost bashfully. “I’m really sorry I snapped at you, Daryl. It just—well, it hurts and it’s hard to think.”
“Ain’t mad.” He tried for a half smile but it was weak. “Better than gettin’ kicked in the balls, I reckon.” You laughed and squeezed his hand. “Guess we oughtta getcha up again.”
“I’ll help.” Carol offered. You could see that a refusal was on the tip of Daryl’s tongue but he never voiced it. With Carol under one arm and Daryl under the other, you were pulled upright.
Your body already felt wrung out and sore, and the epic finale hadn’t even begun. Still, you allowed Carol to pass you off to Daryl.
“We movin’ on? Be better to find a house or somethin’.” He looped an arm around your back, following as you shuffled your way around.
Carol shrugged, not touching you but keeping up with your small strides. “Both vehicles have fuel but Hershel isn’t sure we should move her. He thinks the baby will come soon and she needs to be kept in one place.”
You groaned, letting your head fall back in frustration. “She is right here. And if my opinion matters, I’d rather not—” The contraction came on strong, halting you suddenly with your hand fisting into the lower part of Daryl’s vest. The archer stepped around in front of you, rough but gentle hands grasping your wrists to guide your arms to his shoulders.
“Try to breathe. Sometimes humming or even moaning helps, like an outlet.” Carol advised while rubbing your back.
Your head fell forward against Daryl’s chest, a deep but quiet moan muffled against the firm muscle beyond his shirt. His hands had fallen to your hips, his body followed you as you swayed back and forth. The episodes were growing more intense, coming closer together and lasting longer. It wasn’t difficult to surmise that things would be growing more difficult to handle.
“Ain’t nothin’ we can do for ‘er?” Daryl asked quietly above you, each word blowing his warm breath over the top of your head. Carol must have answered in the negative because his fingers flexed against your hips.
The skin of your belly was pulled so tightly that you swore it would tear open, the muscles feeling as if they would pulse right out of the gaping hole your torn flesh would leave.
“Shit.” You whimpered, your voice finding its way back during the last dregs of pain. You almost didn’t register warm hands gliding up and down your sides, a smaller hand on your back. “I don’t want to have the baby here.” You argued weakly. “It’s too open. Things will be too chaotic, too loud.”
“I know, Sunshine, but the doc says—”
“I don’t want to risk Thumper here in the open, Daryl. With—with walkers or people.” With enough strength having returned after the pain, you lifted your head, eyes pleading. “Please.”
The archer was visibly upset. He was just as vulnerable as you were at that moment, torn between what he felt was right and what Hershel said was for the best. His tongue wet his bottom lip before he pulled it in between his teeth, looking to Carol for guidance.
“Could lay down the seats in the van. Use the back.” He suggested. “Plenty’a room an’ if we need to move fast—”
“I don’t think that’s unreasonable.” Carol agreed, rubbing your back in a few soft strokes before beginning to move away. “I’ll go talk to Hershel. You two keep walking.”
You watched her go, turning your gaze up to Daryl when he shifted back to your side to urge you along. “Gotta keep movin’.” You groaned, dragging your feet with your head falling back in frustration.
You were in the middle of a contraction, when you heard it. A snarl, a raspy growl much too close. You were already clinging to Daryl and breathing through the pain that was readying your body for Thumper’s arrival, but you’d have to let him go. He had to protect the baby. And to do that, he had to protect you.
But he didn’t move. He was nearly vibrating, rigid beneath your hands on his shoulders. He was just as scared as you were, even more so. He knew he could take the walker but that would mean letting you go. He needed to protect you but he wanted to support you. He had told you he'd never let you fall and you knew he had meant it.
“Go.” Your hands slid from his shoulders, down his chest before they released him completely to clutch your belly.
His boots disappeared from your view of the ground but you couldn’t focus after that. The pain was growing in intensity, immobilizing you with your lips tightly pressed to withhold the cries that vibrated behind your teeth for release. You couldn’t, you just couldn’t make a sound. You’d attract more, endanger everyone. You’d endanger Thumper. Daryl.
There were scuffles. More snarls. Tears were threatening your waterline. Pain was coursing through you like a serpent, slithering around each muscle and tendon and pulling them tight. You felt disappointment and guilt over all the agony when your mouth fell open with a guttural moan, your will to cut off the scream that begged to follow barely holding true.
“D—Daryl.” You cried out. And he was there, hands on your face, your biceps, your belly.
“M’here. M’here. Gotta move, though.” He swept you up with the slightest strained noise. “Gonna getcha to the van. Gonna find somewhere safe for ya.” The pain was fading. You could focus on the dark blood on his face, the dirt and grime.
“Herd?” You whispered.
“Ain’t your fault.” His expression emanated fear and stress. “The hatch.” Someone was with him. The small hands that opened the back of the van and spread out the blankets, those were Carol’s. She sat a pile of smaller blankets and squares of fabric toward the indents on the floor where the seats had been stowed.
“Get as many in the truck as you can! In the cab and the bed!” Rick was calling out at the same time that Hershel climbed into the van. Daryl was careful when he placed you inside, climbing over you before pulling you further in to make room for Hershel and Carol.
Through your haze of exhaustion, you saw Rick climb in the driver's seat and Maggie beside him. That meant that five others had to somehow fit into the truck.
“Is everyone okay?” You asked, eyes pleading with Daryl for an honest answer.
“Yeah, they’re all good.” He nodded, smoothing a hand over your hair.
The van was moving, though you didn’t realize when it had started. Hershel was between your knees when another contraction came. It felt like only moments had passed since the last one. In the safety of the van, though you couldn’t be bothered to consider that, you bowed forward with a scream. Daryl gingerly worked your fingers loose from the blanket to take your hand.
“She’s at 9cm. This baby is coming soon.” Hershel didn’t move this time, he and Carol began sorting things that you couldn’t see. Panting, you leaned to the side, knowing Daryl would be there. His arm wrapped around your shoulders and squeezed.
“What—” He swallowed audibly. “Tell me what I need to do.”
“Just be with her.” Carol poured some water from a bottle onto a piece of fabric and passed it across you for Daryl to take. “Wipe her face, put it behind her neck.”
The archer’s hand was trembling fiercely when you felt the blessed cool cloth touch your forehead. The moan that left you was not one of pain but utter relief. “Oh, that’s nice.” You breathed. Your skin was on fire, every cell of your being felt twisted and wrong. But that trembling cloth wiping at your face grounded you, centered you around what your body was preparing to do.
You were so close to being a mother.
But that didn’t stop the scream that ripped from your throat when the next contraction tore through you. You sat up, propped on your elbows with your eyes screwed shut. Tears leaked from the corners, the wailing cutting off into wretched sobs when you felt Daryl’s forehead fall against the crown of your head, his mantra of m’sorry m’sorry m’sorry shattering you into a million shards.
You couldn’t tell him it was okay. You couldn’t remind him why you hurt. You couldn’t reassure him that he was the one you wanted and you were more than happy to do this with him. For him. You didn’t have the breath.
“Don’t push, Y/N. Not yet.” Hershel’s tone was even but not cruel, his gloved hands on your knees.
“It fucking burns!” You shrieked, squeezing Daryl’s hand until you were certain you felt the bones shift. The contraction let up, the fiery sensation dulling but ever present.
“What’s happenin’?” Daryl sounded breathless. Terrified. You were still catching your breath when you looked up at him. His tan skin was white as a sheet, no color in his lips. His blue eyes were brighter than you’d ever seen them. From tears or fear, you couldn’t be sure.
“The baby’s in the right position. Y/N, it’ll be time to push soon. It’ll be very important for you to listen to everything I say. Can you do that?” Hershel wasn’t looking at you, between moving around things Carol was handing to him and keeping a constant eye on your progress. Distantly, you wondered why it was Carol at his side and not Maggie. Maybe because you were close with Carol? For your comfort?
“Yeah. Yeah, I can.” You turned your attention back to Daryl when his grip on your hand loosened slightly. He swayed, the pallor of his skin growing more concerning. “Daryl?”
The archer shook his head almost violently. “M’good.”
“Okay, I just—oh, fuck, already!?” You grit your teeth as your stomach tightened, a visible shift beneath the fabric of your dress.
“Maggie, can you climb back here?” Hershel requested calmly. His eldest said nothing but maneuvered her way into the back and on your opposite side. “I fear we may lose Daryl at any moment and Y/N will need support.”
“Ain’t goin’ nowhere.” Daryl snapped but it was a weak effort. He inhaled deeply and began squeezing your hand to keep you from dislocating his fingers.
“Here.” Carol passed him an opened bottle of water. “Drink a few sips. You’re white as a ghost.”
You were barely aware of everything happening around you, shaking almost violently to refrain from bearing down until Hershel told you to do so. It was bordering on excruciating.
“Jesus Christ, it feels like you’re holding a flamethrower to my fucking pussy!”
Hershel sighed while Maggie and Carol chuckled and Daryl snorted out a quiet nice, Y/N.
“It’s just the birth canal stretching to make room for the baby.” The veterinarian explained coolly.
“Just?” You mocked. “Just, he says while it’s my—oh Jesus fuck!” With all the presence of mind you could summon, you managed not to start screaming at Daryl for putting you in that position. You knew that beyond the pain and fear, you wanted Thumper in your arms more than anything in that fucked up world.
“Okay, Y/N,” Hershel patted your bare knees just at the tail end of the contraction to ensure he had your attention. You had fallen back against Maggie while Daryl held the cool cloth against the back of your neck. His hand was vibrating your skull to the point that you nearly asked him to move away. “You’re ready. On the next contraction, you need to push.”
“God, your calm voice makes me want to kick you in the teeth.” You didn’t mean it—mostly. Hershel must have known that because he chuckled. You could feel the next contraction already building when the van lurched to a stop, throwing everyone in it.
“We got a herd in front of us!” Rick called from the front.
“Go ‘round it! Turn ‘round! Just keep ‘em off us!” Daryl yelled as the pain peaked. “Fuck!” He bellowed when your hand began to shake with how hard you squeezed his own.
“Push!” Hershel shouted over the bumps and jerks of the van doing whatever Rick had deemed best. “Good, good!” He began to countdown from ten while you screamed.
You were being torn open. Thumper was going to rip you in half on their way out. Your throat was raw, surely bleeding from your wails. When the old man reached one, you fell back against Maggie but Daryl’s hand was there too.
“Maggie, Daryl, hold behind her knees. Help support her legs. It’ll keep her hips open.” Both moved forward, taking you with them to sit you up a little straighter. Daryl had to release your hand to hold you and your leg. The archer hissed with the pressure against his abused palm. “Perfect. Alright, Y/N. A nice, strong push this time.”
You almost snarled. “Last one wasn’t good enough?”
“Easy, Sunshine.” You felt Daryl's lips against your temple and yearned to keep them there.
“I’m sorry, Hershel.” Once again, the man simply smiled. Lori had told you that childbirth in the movies was often dramatized but so far, you weren’t seeing the truth in that statement. When the contraction reached a crescendo, you leaned forward while Maggie and Daryl held your legs steady. The pain was extraordinary. You almost wished you could see what was happening, but any train of thought was derailed with Hershel’s next words.
“The baby is crowning!”
Gasping, you swallowed hard, glancing at Daryl—who had a front row seat to what was happening—and then back to Hershel. “Crowning?”
“The head will be out soon.”
“All this and we don’t even have the head out?!” You screeched, just as your stomach rippled into a rigid mound and you were pushing again. This pain was different. Thumper was definitely ripping you apart. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! It burns!”
“S’that—” Daryl cleared his throat and swallowed, swaying on the spot. “S’that normal?”
“Perfectly normal.” Hershel glanced up at the archer, back down, and then up again. “Carol.” He needn’t say anything else. The other woman was moving to grab the back of your leg and let Daryl fall against her so he didn’t smack his head on the side of the van.
You were completely unaware, your entire focus centered on the inferno between your legs. There was no way any woman would willingly do this unmedicated. Never in your life had you wanted drugs more than you did in that moment. Thumper. Thumper, Thumper. You chanted internally, even as your vocal chords vibrated harshly with your screams. And just as you thought you would lose consciousness from the pain, it lessened. It hadn’t disappeared but comparatively, you would take that over the prior.
“The head is out!”
Panting, you smiled but then fell into confusion when you saw Carol beside your leg and Daryl slumped against her. “Daryl? Daryl?!” You shifted but Maggie held you still. “Is he okay?”
“He’s fine.” Hershel chuckled.
“Who knew a man that could gut a walker without batting an eye couldn’t watch his baby’s head come out?” Carol smiled but began to act, jerking her shoulder to jar the archer. “Daryl. Daryl, wake up. You don’t want to miss this.” He stirred and started to lean back. “Think you can take a look without losing it again?”
“Shuddup.” He shook his head hard, grunting. His hand was the first thing to move, sliding beneath Carol’s to take hold of your leg. Then he was looking at you. “M’sorry. That was—fuck, m’a pussy.” Maggie was moving your hand and pulling you forward as you watched your partner.
Then your fingers were touching a soft, albeit slimy, head.
You gasped. “Daryl.”
The man gulped, but then sat up on his knees a little. You watched the fear and apprehension melt away into awe, his jaw loosening, eyebrows rising, and eyes beginning to shine. “S’that—”
“That’s Thumper.” You were able to say before Hershel announced your miniscule break was over. He didn’t need to say a word, your body was already letting you know. Daryl’s hold felt stronger now and he was watching with an awestruck intensity that just made your heart want to explode even as you rode out the waves of agony. You were going to be a little family.
Then, out of the blue, you could feel something was different, wrong.
“Her—Hershel—Ow, fuck—” You fingers clawed at Daryl’s chest, his wet eyes going wide with concern. The contraction ended and you were gasping and swallowing convulsively, feeling nauseous regardless of your lack of food. Daryl’s eyes were darting back and forth between you and the old man. “Daryl, something—something’s wrong.” You could tell the baby had not moved an inch during the pushing, but not only that, it felt like they had actually pulled back toward your opening.
“I know.” Hershel’s voice had lost the calm and was taking on an emergent edge. “The baby is stuck.”
Panic flashed over Daryl’s face in the form of anger. “The fuck ya mean stuck?!”
Still trying to catch your breath, sweat dripping into your eyes, you thought for certain Daryl was going to jump across your leg and attack the old man. Thankfully, he remained at your side. Trembling and breath stuttering, but he wasn’t moving.
“Shoulder dystocia. The baby is turned in such a way that the shoulders can’t fit through the pelvis. Carol, I will need your help, please.” You were already on the edge of the next contraction when Hershel nearly barked “Y/N, don’t push.”
“What the fuck’re ya doin’?” Daryl snapped, leaning over your leg to investigate. So many emotions were battling for dominance in his expression that you couldn’t even begin to imagine how he was feeling.
“Daryl, please.” You pleaded, trying your hardest not to sob. For once, you cared nothing about being self-reliant or what the group thought of you and how much you needed Daryl. As you fought through the pain and against your body’s natural insistence to push, you just cried. Daryl kept a hand below your knee, too afraid to move unless Hershel gave the okay, but he leaned as far as he could to hold you without influencing your position.
“S’okay, Sunshine. S’gonna be okay.”
“Y/N, listen to me. I can feel the shoulder.” Now, the veterinarian’s tone was just downright frightening. “Maggie and Daryl are going to pull your legs back on the next contraction. I’m going to apply some pressure above your pubic bone. It’s not going to be pleasant, but if I’m correct, the head should come and then the baby. I need you to push with all you have, do you understand?”
You pressed your cheek further into Daryl’s chest and nodded, hiccuping through ragged, exhausted breaths. When the contraction began to tear through you, Maggie and Daryl reacted immediately, pulling your legs toward your belly while you curled inward with a guttural scream. Hershel pressed into the area just above your pubic bone, the pressure only compounding the whirlwind of pain you were already caught in. And then it was over and you let the two supporters take your weight.
The van rocked again, but was ignored. Hershel looked at Carol gravely and shook his head.
“S’that ‘bout?” Daryl hissed, trying hard for your sake not to lose his cool.
“It didn’t work.” Before Daryl could speak, the old man continued. “We’re going to try one more time. If it doesn’t work, there are a couple of other things we can try but time is of the essence. The baby isn’t getting the oxygen they need like this.”
“Whatever ya gotta do. Just take care’a both’a ‘em.”
Hershel nodded. “Alright, same thing, Y/N. A big, big push for me.”
You shook your head, exhausted. “I can’t.” You whispered, your eyelids heavy as hope attempted to flee and you accepted that once again, the world would take from you. It would take from Daryl. “I’m so tired.” You felt movement beneath your left leg and then Daryl’s hand was grasping your chin, firm but gentle.
“Hey. Cut that shit out.” He wasn’t angry. He was using the same tone you’d heard him use when he had told Thumper to cut you some slack. When he had started communicating with the baby. “Ya’ve gone through hell an’ back for this an’ I ain’t lettin’ ya quit at the goddamn finish line, ya hear me?”
“I’m tired, Daryl.” Your face screwed up in pain as the next contraction began to build.
“Nu uh. Ya ain’t gonna bust into my life an’ fuck up my world six ways from Sunday, make me love ya an’ this kid, an’ then just give up. S’you an’ me an’ Thumper. S’what ya said!”
You blinked at him, slowly starting to sit up.
“I’ve seen ya be a badass before, Sunshine.” Your breaths were coming faster, the contraction nearly on top of you, but you only had eyes for Daryl. “Be a fuckin’ badass now.” His hand left your face and went back to your leg, pulling it toward you at the same time Maggie moved the right one.
You screamed so loud that you were certain the rocks and bumps of the van were due to your wails alone. Something shifted, you felt it and it hurt. You were on fire and aching at the same time. When the contraction ended, you still felt painfully stretched and bruised and uncomfortable. “Did—did it work?” You panted, grasping desperately for Daryl’s shirt.
“The head is out, the shoulders are turned. One more big push, Y/N. Just one more.”
You breathed harshly through your nose, trying to amp yourself up. Maggie and Carol were throwing encouragement your way, but you didn’t hear them. You only felt Dary’s breath against your ear, his stubbled cheek rubbing against your skin.
He whispered, only for you to hear. “I love ya.” Kissing your temple, he moved back to his spot and when you looked at him, exhausted and crying, the corner of his mouth twitched and he nodded.
You could do this.
When the next contraction ripped through you, the world went silent. It was only you and the pain, white hot and all consuming. You were indeed being torn in half but if it meant Thumper would take that first breath, would open those little eyes to see the world—fucked up or not—then you would gladly be wrenched into pieces.
The moment the baby slipped free of you, you felt the emptiness. You still hurt, but the worst of the pain was suddenly absent. Sound and sight came back to you in an onslaught that had you sucking in a breath like your lungs had been starved.
“Is—Hershel, the baby?” You asked, trying to move as Daryl and Maggie lowered your legs. The archer was leaning across your knee. You couldn’t even tell if he was breathing, but his eyes were wide and darting.
“Doc—”
The ferocious first cries of the distraught newborn echoed throughout the van. Maggie had moved behind you to keep you sitting up while Daryl had staggered backward and fallen on his ass against the interior wall, eyes on the little thing that Hershel was looking over intently. Maggie reached over your shoulder and began unbuttoning your dress, whispering in your ear as she moved.
“The baby needs to nurse, bond with you on your skin and it’ll help when you have to push out the placenta, okay?” You blinked at her, concerned. “It’s okay. It’s nothing like what you just went through. One or two small pushes and it’s out.”’ You nodded robotically, watching Hershel maneuver some sort of tape around a slimy cord.
Thumper was not happy. They were probably cold and that thought made your heart ache. Your baby should never be uncomfortable. Daryl was slowly, clumsily making his way toward you, but wasn’t taking his eyes off the baby. When he was sitting beside you, Hershel finally leaned over you and placed the squirming, slippery baby on your chest.
“Congratulations. You have a daughter.”
#murda writes#blood ties#daryl dixon#daryl dixon x reader#the walking dead#daryl dixon fanfiction#daryl dixon fanfic#daryl dixon x y/n#daryl dixon x you#pregnant!reader#daryl x female reader#daryl dixon x female reader#daryl angst#daryl dixon angst#daryl dixon the walking dead#daryl dixon twd
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(crazy how) this love thing seems unfair~ m. sturniolo
short mini fic cause i lurve this song so bad. angsty asf w a semi-happy ending. enjoy my loves <3333
“mattttttt,” her voice is coated in sleep. “come back to bed.” matt is standing at his closet door, rubbing his own tired eyes. it’s about nine in the morning, much too early to be doing anything other than laying in bed with her.
“you know that i can’t, sweetheart. i have to go work with the guys.” he finally picks a top, a soft, white sweatshirt that’s semi-cropped.
“boooooooo.” she sits up, pushing the curls that escaped her bun away from her face. the look on her face almost makes matt want to say fuck it and stay right here.
after he puts on his shoes and cologne, he walks to the side of the bed and sits. she sinks into him, body melting into his touch. they sit there for a moment, no sound in the room except their breathing. it’s peaceful.
she leans up in his arm and places a kiss at the shell of matt’s ear, making the boy groan softly. “don’t do that. it makes me want to stay right here.”
another kiss, this time under his jaw. “that’s the idea.”
one of matt’s hands are kneading the flesh of her thigh, pausing momentarily to rub circles with his thumb. the other hand is planted gently on her waist. he grips a little tighter when she kisses the corner of his mouth.
“stop touching me like that if you’re leaving.” she whines, pulling away slightly. “so not fair.”
he pulls her back. “give me a real kiss.”
she shakes her head. “ew, no. morning breath, hello.”
matt gives her a flat look. “i put my literal tongue inside of you twenty four seven and you think i give a fuck about morning breath?”
she shoves his shoulder with an incredulous laugh. “it is nine in the morning, matthew!” her eyes are sparkling now. “tone it down.”
matt shrugs. “i’m just saying.”
there’s a brief moment where they lock eyes, and suddenly it’s like all the air in the room has been sucked out. matt moves his hand up, feeling the thrum of her heart beating rhythmically. it’s one of his favorite sounds.
she moves into his lap, his hands coming to the swell of her ass to steady her. her arms loop around his neck, face close.
she pulls him in, gently connecting their lips. the way the interlock is something out of matt’s wildest dreams, serenity coating him from head to toe. he’s tugging and grasping with all his might, always needing her closer.
he can feel her lashes on his cheek, can feel her nails on the nape of his neck, can feel her love through every swipe of her tongue. he never wants to be anywhere but here.
there’s a knock at the door. “matt, we gotta go!” it’s chris. “y’all are too quiet in there so i’m staying my ass out here.”
she breaks the kiss with a giggle. “duty calls.”
he groans, resting his head on her shoulder. “so not fair.”
though it’s a fight, from matt mostly, she untangles herself and stands. she extends a hand to pull matt up, giving him a chaste kiss. “it’s okay, matty, go. i’ll be right here when you get back. always.”
***
turns out that always didn’t mean forever.
there’s a low static sound coming from the t.v, but matt pays it no mind. he’s been sat there for what feels like hours, staring into the distance. he has no idea where his brothers are, something about a friends house or something.
it’s been a couple months since the two split. since matt’s entire world shifted off its axis. he hasn’t seen you since you came to drop off the box of stuff that was filling your apartment. still hurts like the first day though.
matt fights with the same urge he gets every night at about this time. during the day is easier. he’s either asleep or so busy with work that he doesn’t really think about the you-shaped hole in his life. doesn’t really think about the absence of your toothbrush in his bathroom, or the lack of your perfume on his sheets. yeah, the day is infinitely easier.
it’s at night, when he cracks. when he turns in bed and there’s no one there. when he can’t hear the sink running because you’re doing your ridiculous sixteen-step skincare routine. when he walks to his bed just fine because there’s no ill placed bag in the middle of the floor to trip over. it feels like walking into a room and immediately forgetting what you were meant to be doing. he knows something is missing, but he doesn’t know how to get it back.
he wants to call you. wants to talk. to sort through all the communication that wasn’t handled well. it wasn’t a messy breakup, or even a hostile one. and somehow, matt thinks that’s worse. he’d prefer yelling and arguing and just knowing you weren’t right for each other anymore.
but it wasn’t that. instead it was distance and tears and feeling like right now there just wasn’t enough space in each others lives for one another.
he didn’t want this. at all. he wondered if you felt the same. he’d stared at the phone countless night willing himself to dial the number. to draft a text. he’d spent just as many willing you to do the same. it never came though.
matt knows tonight is different. the hum of the ac is lulling the anxious feelings in his stomach. he knows by the way his shaky hands grab his phone that this time is going to be the one.
he doesn’t know what to say, nor how to get it out. he wants to pour his heart out, but he also can’t do that without looking at you. without seeing you and feeling the rush of unwavering love he always got whenever his eyes met yours. it wouldn’t be fair.
so he starts off light and hopes for the best. you always did used to say that he had a way of knowing you better than anyone else.
he hopes to god that’s still true.
a/n: i’m tewwwwww good to y’all fr. jus sumn lite bc i love that damn song soooo bad and it came on this morning and a giant ass cartoon lightbulb went off in my head. anyway number neighbor part five & six later today cause ik that’s what u guys really want 😭 i hope u guys like this okie bye i love you all sooooo bad!!!
TAGLIST:
@sturnioloco @peachmels @sugrhigh @tastesousweet @rootbeerworshiper @hollandsangel @sturnolio-luvs @mattsobvimyfav @misscocodiorsblog @ilovechrisssturniolo @pepsiboyy @braindead4l @mxqdii @fawnchives @hearts4chriss @certifiednatelover @nmegamett20 @imaslut4kehlani @dominicfikue @wovenribbons @streamermattsgf @pr1ncessmatt @pinksturniolo @yourfavoritefangirl @nickmillersn1gf @freshxsturniolo @sturniolobltch @mattspolitank @lookingformyromeo @alorsxsturn @imwetforyourmom @kiarastromboli @sleepysturnss @mattscoquette @sturncakez @inkyray @simply-a-simper @lanas-doll @wh0resstuff @giannasturn @iluvmattsbeard @mattsmad @bambi-slxt
(also if i add tags based on requests and on comments so if u ever want to be taken off let me know!!!! jus send me an ask or a message and it’s no problem <3333)
#matt sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#christopher sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#matt sturniolo imagine#matt sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x reader#matthew sturniolo#chris sturniolo#nick sturniolo#sturniolo edit#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo imagine#sturniolo x reader#matt stuniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo texts#chris sturniolo headcanon#matt sturniolo headcanon#Spotify
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Bruce's Bathtime - Batfamily Sitcom
Bruce's mistake was thinking he could have a peaceful night in the bath on his day off when his manor is full of kids who share one brain.
A/N: HELLO EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND IM SORRY I DISAPPEARED BUT I WANTED TO WRITE SOMETHING SWEET FOR YOU TO ENJOY. THIS IS HEAVILY INSPIRED BY "BATH" BY SAM AND MICKEY ON YOUTUBE.
WORDS: 1.7K
WARNINGS: NONE. IT'S WHOLESOME AND SWEET.
MASTERLIST
——-
Crime rates were always at an all-time low in time for the Superbowl.
Which meant Batman gets a day off. Duke was the only one on patrol that night. Alfred spent half an hour convincing him not to spend the night at the cave.
“Master Bruce, the bath has been drawn and I’ve taken the liberty of using the expensive lavender bath salts so you would not like to waste it.”
“You’re right, Alfred. I’m a billionaire and I find the fifty-dollar lavender salts a waste to not use.”
“Just get in the bath, Master Wayne. Just thirty minutes of quiet shall do you good. I’ve set an alarm.”
Since when did Bruce start working for him?
He did as told anyway. Bruce closed the bathroom door and stripped off his clothes to get in the tub. There were so many callouses in his body, he barely felt just how burning the temperature was.
It was just a minute in there when the first knock woke him from drifting off.
“Bruce?”
What the hell is Dick doing out of Bludhaven? “What?”
“Is the music room haunted?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“I heard something inside.”
“Instruments tend to do that.”
“I did a headcount of everyone in the manor and everyone is accounted for except Duke who you sent out for patrol so I doubt it’s anyone but a ghost,” Dick said.
“Get out.”
“But I’m not even inside the bathroom.”
“Go away.”
“What if it’s not a ghost? What if it’s a spy?”
“The manor has more advanced security systems than the Pentagon, Dick.”
“That’s not a good point of comparison.”
Bruce closed his eyes and let the steam slow his rising blood pleasure.
“Just check the room. Could have been the wind.”
“I’m too scared.”
This man was almost thirty and was still giving Bruce the same amount of aneurysms as when he was eight.
“Ask Alfred to check for you.”
“Okay.”
He heard fading footsteps and let them lull him into sleep. He set his large arms onto the sides of the tub, sinking his mouth under the water.
“Father,” a voice said from out the door followed by three soft knocks by a small hand.
“What, Damian?”
“I need you to sign this letter from the school headmaster.”
“What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
He doubted that.
“It’s for a parent-teacher conference.”
Bruce let the silence answer for him until Damian gave in.
“Someone attacked me in class.”
“Damian-“
“Okay, I threw the first punch but he taunted me first about how I was small for my age but I said that I’m of perfect size for my age and that I’m simply too smart to be crowded into elementary school children when my intellect belongs to that of a senior and then he asked what I was doing here and not in 5th grade and I said what was he doing here and not in 5th grade and he spat at me and now his nose is broken and they want you to cover the medical bills.”
Christ.
“Maybe you don’t have to pay it. You can call them yourself. You’re Bruce Wayne. You can get away with anything.”
“I can, but you’re not Bruce Wayne, so you have to deal with it.”
“Can you just sign this, Father?”
“Fine.”
Damian walked in, fanning the steam off his face and covering his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see his own father naked, then handed him the letter to sign it.
“Make sure your handwriting is the same as when I forged it.”
His eyes could not have rolled further back into his skull.
The boy walked out, just two seconds before the next set of voices made him wish the gunman shot him in the head four decades ago and not just his parents.
“Bruce, could you tell Jason he’s not the only one who died and come back to life and that his robin costume doesn’t deserve to have to top display in the Batcave anymore especially since he’s here?” Tim said.
Jason’s voice was even more obnoxious. “I died first, asshole and no one else would have died if it weren’t for me so clearly, you should thank me. And my rebranding was better. You’re still technically a robin since, you know, it’s the other half of your name, so you don’t deserve to be memorialized.”
“You don’t deserve to be memorialized at all when you’re alive and not a memory. You’re not even the first robin.”
“You’re not the first anything.”
“I’m the first at a lot of things.”
“Replacement.”
“Glorified zombie.”
Bruce grabbed the cucumbers Alfred had laid out on the table next to him just so his eyes wouldn’t burst out in blood at how much he wanted to scream.
“Ask Alfred what to do,” Bruce said.
“Alfred is with Dick in the music room to look for ghosts. We need an answer now.”
“What do you even want me to do?”
“Tim threw my robin costume piled up with all their robin costumes when clearly, it should be in the display case,” Jason said. “And Tim wants to move my motorbike out of the cave.”
“You have so many motorbikes, would it hurt you to move just one?”
“No.”
“Bruce!”
Bruce counted to ten. “No.”
“No to what?”
“Everything.”
“You don’t even know what you’re saying no to.”
“I could not care any less.”
“Can we please come in?”
“No, I’m naked.”
“We’ve seen you naked.”
“Not on purpose.”
Jesus fucking Christ. “Fine. Fine. We’ll get glass cases for both of you and we’ll pretend it’s a shrine as if you’re still dead. Happy?”
“Not from dying but sure,” said Tim.
“What about the motorbikes?”
“Put it outside,” said Bruce.
“Are you sure? What if someone sees?”
“Do whatever. Throw out the T-Rex in the cave for all I care.”
“Also, I need access to the batcomputers,” Jason said.
“For what?”
“Everyone else has access except me.”
“That’s for a reason, Jason.”
“Pretty please.”
“Get out.”
It took another five minutes of the two yapping at the other side of the door before it finally quieted down.
Then his phone started ringing. Duke.
That was when his blood pressure really started to spike.
“Duke? Is everything alright? What’s wrong?” he said to the phone.
“Me?” said Duke. “Oh yeah everything’s great! Not much crime when everyone’s watching the halftime show.”
“Then why’d you call?”
“Can I use the batmobile?”
Fuck a duck. “For what?”
“The streets are empty and you said I could drive it when there isn’t traffic.”
He hung up and threw the phone into the water before Duke could say anything else.
He had five minutes of quiet this time. Then Steph was at the door. “Bruce!”
An aneurysm. One of these days, he might actually have one.
“What now?”
“Can I change rooms?”
“Why?”
“Dick said there’s a ghost in the music room and my room is like five feet away and I don’t think I can sleep there anymore.”
“You slept there last night and everything is fine.”
“Ghosts can be quiet, Bruce, it doesn’t mean they’re not there. And you’ve made a lot of enemies, so I won’t be surprised if anyone’s settled in to haunt you.”
You’d think he wasn’t in a house full of vigilantes who fight the city’s most dangerous criminals.
“I haven’t killed anyone, Stephanie. I keep all my enemies alive.”
“What if it’s not your enemy? They don’t have to hate you to haunt you. Can I please just change rooms?”
“Move wherever you want. I don’t care.”
“Can I move to the bedroom at the west wing?”
“That’s mine,” Bruce said.
“You have a bedroom? I thought you never slept.”
“Fine. Take it. Just get out.”
“Really?” Steph squealed. “The master bedroom. Sweet!”
It took less than five seconds before the next reason for his headache started pounding at the door.
“Bruce! Jason is trying to hack into the batcomputer!”
“I did not!”
“He did!”
“The World’s Greatest Detective is just mad I guessed his password on the second try.”
Bruce sank into the water, drowning their yapping until it had blurred out. He held his breath for seven minutes straight. He could die. That wouldn’t be the worst thing. Just when it was finally quiet, again, Bruce rose up and found Damian sitting on the toilet.
He continued to look unbothered even when he looked at Bruce straight in the eye.
“Do you mind?”
“I’d like to use this toilet.”
“There’s fifteen bathrooms in the manor, Damian.”
“I like this one.”
“I understand I have not spent as much time with you, but this is not what your tutors mean by father-son bonding.”
“Oh no, don’t worry. I don’t mean to bond with you. I just like this toilet.”
“Fine. Please. Take your time.”
He did take his time. Damian sat there for a whole five minutes and pulled out a book.
“I wasn’t being serious. Get out of here.”
“Relax, father. It’s your day off.”
Bruce eyelids fluttered closed and he refused to open them until his son left the bathroom.
The next knock made a blood vessel pop. “Bruce. It’s me Barb. So sorry to bother you but I found another group of conspiracy theorists on the TikTok who made a list of billionaires who have never been seen in the same room as Batman and you’re the front liner of that list. I know you told me to never engage with these things but it’s at fifty million views right now and they’re making edits of you as Batman.”
“Make more bot accounts and pin it on Elon.”
“On it,” said Barbara. “So sorry to have disturbed you!”
He’s going to have a talk with Alfred to block off the whole floor the next time he draws these baths.
“Bruce?” It was Cass. “I hope it’s alright if I take Steph’s room. I took the liberty of putting a speaker in the music room so Dick would tell everyone there was a ghost in the manor and Steph would move out.”
The alarm went off. His thirty minutes were up.
One of these days, Bruce might finally break his no-kill rule, and it won’t be for the Joker.
---
A/N: I MISSED ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES AND I HOPE THIS WON'T BE THE LAST
TAGLIST
@karurururu @trixie-bb @childofposeidonforlife @fantasticwizardnerd @iibonniee @queenoftodd @foenixphire @omgtheywereroommates98 @spooklies @nyja-ls @jason-todd-is-my-husband @pieanq @spookyfrances @tacticaldivine @bathroom-sand @vicomtess @willieoo @consultingkilljoywinchester @elsenthal @willowoo @massiveathletefanauthor @chemicalpapercuts @the-abyss-of-fandoms @pparkeramorr @pricetagofficial @traceymoyashi @seutarose @littleredwing89 @astrids-pandora @nomalu1 @knightfall05x @lovelyartemisa @fourteengemstones @acookiesnmilkuniverse @24-7-multifandomsimp @xemiefx @cherry-glade @ @lilith1717 @yujikuna @dwboutit17 @ouflater @satan-s-ass @indigowcrds @little-prying-pandora @butwhyduh @killersandmonkeys @kierdlt @illzarr @ramdomtails @probsjosh @angel-lover-alice @evalynanne @adazzlingsakura @offendedfishnoises @lupinslibraries @comic-cat83 @jason-todd-is-my-husband @estrela-rogers @jadesublime @tedii-bear00 @andieperrie18 @willieoo @insanebatty @queennightsetz @mkknrd22robinlover @she-sees-fire @quintessences0posts @spideypoolfeelz @batgalsblog @mello-d @https-101iamtheredhood101 @offendedfishnoises
#BATMAN#bruce wayne#batfamily#wayne family#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#duke thomas#barbara gordon#cassandra cain#stephanie brown
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Common Ground
Act One!Astarion x Gender Neutral!Reader
Masterlist
Word Count: 650+
A/N: This fic is sort of a combination of a few of the (comparatively) similar requests I received, along with one particular scene that’s been running wild and ping ponging around in my brain for far too long. I somehow convinced my partner (who could not care less about fanfiction, but adores me) to proofread this for me. So any complaints should definitely be addressed to them—as I was, unfortunately, far too sleep deprived to read over this anymore than I already have. As always, I hope you enjoy—feel free to leave any feedback you have in the comments, and happy reading! :)
Warnings: Angst, intentional allusions to past SA (the circumstances are left purposefully vague), concerning both Astarion and the Reader, writer will often suddenly break off into unexpected poetic tangents, a smidge of fluff—if you squint, & perhaps a bittersweet ending (depending on how you interpret it?)
“Darling”, Astarion carefully poses his words, “Are you certain that you’re quite alright?”
You’re terrified. He can see it. Your pulse is visibly thumping beneath your skin, and there’s a tremor to your hands he’s certain wasn’t there before.
But why now?
You’ve told him you trust him, demanded the others leave if they weren’t willing to accept the gift that is his company, and mere seconds ago offered yourself to him as a meal—to what you, with both intimate knowledge and first hand experience, know is a hungry vampire.
He would be questioning your sense of self preservation, or alternatively, your sanity. If he wasn’t awed by just how quickly you’ve managed to sway your companions' loyalty.
It takes a moment for you to notice he’s asked you a question. But once you have, you nod.
He sighs, clicking his tongue at you. That vacancy behind your eyes, it’s unnerving, too familiar. “Don’t lie, it doesn’t suit you. What is it?”
Your gaze shifts, opting to search for what must be a rather interesting spot somewhere behind him.
Two breaths in.
Two breaths out.
Astarion falters. That may have been harsh—if your continued silence is anything to go by. Perhaps, he should have left the lie to rest.
“Dearest”, he works to intentionally soften his tone, shoving past the honeyed lump that rises in his throat, thickly coated with syrup. This little manipulation won’t be ending in a hand naively held between his as he leads you down unassuming crypt steps.
He knows that.
“If you’ve suddenly changed your mind about”, he gestures vaguely between himself and your neck, “I’m sure I can make do with whatever animals find themselves unluckily situated in this part of the forest.”
Humble or selfless certainly isn’t his favorite role to play, but if he wants you to be his personal guard, it seems he may have to make an exception.
“No!” You blurt out, swallowing thickly at the raised brow he sends in your direction, mouth suddenly very dry, “I—It’s not that. I swear to you.”
He tuts, “Ah, but it is something. Hmm?”
You nod again, frustrated tears building in your eyes as each attempt at an explanation falls flat.
“No, it couldn’t—it”, Astarion makes a rather exaggerated motion with both of his hands, clutching his chest in theatrical shock, “Was it Gale?”
You huff, but it’s more exasperated than annoyed.
The left side of his lips lifts.
You drag your own roughly between your teeth.
“Earlier, you made a comment about being quiet, not wanting to disturb my rest”, unsteady hands bury themselves in the fabric of your pants, “Those words, the sudden realization that someone…anyone could have access to my body like that while I slept”, your head slumps forward, “The last time—I can’t.”
Two breaths in.
Two breaths out.
Astarion’s fingers slot into place beneath your chin, tilting it upwards to look at him.
And suddenly all you can see are the differences.
Everything he is appears less forced. No longer are you merely an audience and he an actor, but equals. Those that have found a common ground built upon the cruelty of others.
Far too accustomed to it.
There’s a raw familiarity held within your expression Astarion can’t quite discern.
Perhaps, in another life, someone cared for him. Once. To look at him with such fondness.
He wonders if he deserved it, then.
He allows the hold he has on you to become lighter and lighter, until his arm returns to hang at his side.
You hear a weary sigh, then, gently, “For what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry.”
A small smile flutters across your lips, light and without expectation. It’s a kindness he hasn’t yet learned how to navigate—and certainly has not earned, but he yearns for it all the same.
“Thank you, Astarion.”
BG3 Taglist: None yet!
#bg3#Astarion x unnamed reader#astarion x reader#astarion ancunin x reader#astarion x tav#astarion x durge#baldur's gate 3#vampire spawn astarion#gender neutral reader#astarion x you#astarion angst#trigger warning: sa#fluff and angst#bg3 fanfiction
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It’s not that he never thought about his own ass but since he kissed Tommy that first time, and that second, and third, and now they’re probably approaching the low 200 after a few weeks, he’s starting to think about it
And yeah, in all these years he mostly thought about how to make it hot, how to get girls to look at it and like it.
And well, his confidence isn’t always all that great but he knows he has a good body ok? That’s one of the things he’s confident in.
Except, well, he’s a little hairy, and what if Tommy doesn’t like it ?
Buck has never looked at his ass as often as he is now, each morning after his shower, and when getting ready to sleep
And he doesn’t know how to ask
He knows realistically that Tommy would answer and not mock him but he feels so awkward, he can’t even imagine opening his mouth to ask “so, my ass is a little hairy, is it a turn off for you?” And if yes, then what ? Would he have to shave? To wax? Would he want to ?
They’ve been cuddling on his bed now, getting up to probably around 250/280 kisses now and Tommy’s hands are everywhere, roaming his back, his shoulders, his chest, his arms
And they’re going back to his back, sneaking under his shirt and resting so very low on his back he can feel Tommy’s pinky grazing his jeans and the top of his boxer and he can’t anymore
He pulls back and just blurt “I’m hairy” and he can feel the heat on his face, and he knows he’s turning so red, he’s grateful for the low lights of his room
“Uh?” Tommy is still dazed by all the kisses, he had Buck sucking on his tongue less than 0.2seconds ago and his brain isn’t functioning fully yet
“I mean my ass. I’m hairy…”
“Babe… is it why you were so tense anytime my hand was down on your back?”
“I just… I just don’t want you to be disgusted or anything”
“Baby…” Tommy says before kissing his lips softly, “I’ve seen your legs, and the little bits on your chest you call hair, I figured you’d have some there too and I don’t mind at all. Full disclosure, I’m not a twink either and sure I’d shave if you want me to but it’s not something I do often or ask of my partners”
“Oh … oh ok”
“Were you that worried?”
Buck just shrugs but he can feel his lungs finally able to fully breath, to let go of that anxiety that took over him in the past few weeks.
“It’s ok baby,” says Tommy kissing down his jaw, “I’m sure your ass look amazing, with or without hair”
Buck just snorts and let himself be consumed by Tommy’s mouth, and when Tommy’s hand is back just above his ass, he doesn’t tense when his boyfriend pinkie just teases the top of his ass.
#this is dedicated to Taylor Zakhar Perez and his ‘look babe’ to Matthew#bucktommy#your ass will always be famous TZP#evan buckley#evan buck buckely#tommy kinard#buck x tommy#tommy x buck#911 abc#tevan#evan buck buckley#buck and tommy#evan x tommy#tommybuck#kinley#kinkley
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< about time >
pairing:: bang chan x older male reader
genre:: smut // fluff - - minors dni!!
word count:: 2.9k
summary:: you’re an overworked college student and your best friend, bang chan, is a famous kpop idol. he’s constantly busy and you haven’t seen him in months. he surprises you with a visit late one night, and scenes in the movie you watch sparks a flame you didn’t know existed between you two.
warnings:: smut !!! unprotected sex, oral (m receiving), slight d / s dynamic, dirty talk, praise, slight pet play if you squint, swearing, petnames, age dynamic & honorifics, crying
notes:: my first work on here :fingers-crossed: not entirely proofread either srry ;; i’ve actually never seen ‘about time,’ but i know vaguely what happens in it- bare with me if i get anything wrong ,,</3 i don’t know how to end stories i’m so sorry
it’s been a long day. you’ve been working on your homework all day- reading textbooks and taking notes, replying to insufferable classmates on discussion posts, studying for an upcoming test. all you want is someone to hold you, and nobody comes to mind.
that is, except for your best friend, chan.
he’s always there when you need him, but he's beyond busy. he’ll pick up every call within a ring or two, but never has time to talk more than five minutes. but he never forgets to text you good night, sleep well, to dream happy thoughts.
you groan, leaning back in your chair. would he come over if you asked? does he even have the time? is he even still in korea? you spiral and spiral until you eventually pick up your phone, deciding to find out for yourself.
he picks up before the first ring, a coarse voice filling your ear. “y/n? you okay? it’s 2am, sweetheart.” your heart aches at the petname.
“i- sorry. i’ve been up working on homework, i didn't mean to wake you up.” you whisper into the phone. chan laughs gently.
“i’ve been up. don't worry about me, it's just good to hear your voice.” a silence falls over you, registering his compliment. “you there?”
“yeah- yeah, sorry. just…” you bite your tongue. “i miss you, chan.” he sighs on the other end of the phone.
“i miss you too. look, how about… i wrap things up here, and come over?” your eyes widen.
“wait, really? can you even do that?” chan laughs again.
“of course i can, y/n. i don't have a schedule tomorrow, so i can do whatever i want tonight. would you like that?” chan teases.
“yes, please. i need you.” you bite your lip at your neediness. chan chuckles, and you hear a rustling on his end of the phone.
“you need me, baby boy? did i hear that right?” you groan, squeezing your eyes shut.
“that’s hyung to you, sir.” you correct.
“you're barely older than me! don't make me call you that.” chan whines.
“yeah, yeah. hurry up over there and come over, okay?” chan huffs playfully.
“okay. give me like thirty minutes, i'll head out right as i finish.” you smile, pursing your lips together at the thought of seeing him again.
“see you soon, channie.”
“see you soon, y/n-ie.”
---
it's almost exactly thirty minutes before you hear a knock at your door. you jump up, running to unlock it, greeted with your best friend dressed in all black.
“hi, channie.” you say softly, playing with the hem of your shirt. chan smiles, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around your waist.
“hi, hyung. i missed you.” chan whispers as you sigh, wrapping your arms around him, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. chan chuckles, squeezing you tighter. “you okay?” you shake your head.
“just… long day. needed to be around someone.” chan nods, caressing your back, holding you tight.
“i know, sweetheart. i’m here now, okay?” you bury your face deeper into his neck.
“okay.”
it feels like eternity, standing there in the atrium, hugging chan. but you wouldn't have it any other way. chan breaks the silence, clearing his throat.
“hyung, let's go to your room. you need to get some rest.” you groan, holding chan tighter.
“i'm not tired. i still have work i need to do, i’m so behind and-”
“hey, hey.” chan pulls away, holding your shoulders at an arm’s distance. “don't worry about all that. just get some rest, with me, yeah?” chan cups your face in his hand, caressing your cheek. you lean into his touch, your eyes fluttering shut.
“okay.. fine.” you give up, melting into chan’s touch. chan giggles, moving a hand from your shoulder down to your hand.
“that’s my hyungie.” chan praises, leading you up to your bedroom.
once you get there, you sit against the headboard of the bed, pulling a blanket over your lower half. “let me help you.” chan offers, sitting beside you and gently pulling the blanket over both of you. “we can watch a movie or something if you want?” chan suggests, snuggling closer to you, wrapping an arm around your waist and laying his head on your shoulder.
“we can watch something, i'm okay with that.” you lay your head against chan's head, closing your eyes and sighing softly. chan moves a hand to your thigh, caressing it softly.
“alright, anything in particular you want to watch?” chan asks, rubbing small circles on your thigh, feeling your breathing slow down. “or should we pick something together?” chan hums, enjoying the warmth of your body against his.
“what was that movie you watched with stay the other day?” you ask. “i was busy when you watched it, so i never got to see it.”
“oh- about time?” chan blushes. “that’s like my favorite movie. i’d so be okay with watching that again.” you smile, reaching for the remote and turning on the tv. you pull up the movie and press play, chan’s thigh against yours, his hand caressing your skin.
the two of you enjoy the movie, cuddling and leaning against each other. about halfway through, a sex scene pops up on the screen, shocking you. you purse your lips, trying to focus on the screen, instead of the hand on your bare thigh. chan continues caressing your skin, seemingly unbothered by the scene on the tv.
“hyung.” chan whispers, moving his hand closer to your inner thigh. “i’ll stop if you tell me to.” you shake your head, eyes falling down to the blankets, covering chan’s hand.
“it’s.. it’s okay.” chan hums, continuing to stroke your thigh, matching the rhythm of the movie's steamy scene. he keeps his gaze on the screen, as you bite your lip and refuse to look up. chan slowly snakes his hand up your inner thigh, dangerously close to your crotch. chan nuzzles his face against your shoulder, as you bite back a whimper.
“hyung...” chan murmurs, turning to you, stopping his hand right above your growing bulge. “do you want me to stop?” his voice trembles, his breath warm against your neck.
you shake your head. “no, i… please keep going.” the movie forgotten, you purse your lips together, turning away from chan from embarrassment.
“good boy.” chan praises, his heart pounding out of his chest. he slides his hand up to your clothed erection, palming it gently through your shorts. chan presses a soft kiss to the side of your neck, slipping a hand under your shorts and cupping your length over your underwear. you whimper, squeezing your eyes closed.
“channie…”
“shh, it’s okay, hyung. i’ve got you.” chan reassures, stroking your erection through your underwear. he presses soft kisses down your neck, nibbling gentle marks into your skin. “so fucking hot for me, yeah?” chan teases, increasing the pressure slightly.
“shit…” you bite back a moan, looking down at where chan is touching you.
“i know, baby.” chan coos, feeling you twitch beneath his touch. “i want to make you feel good, okay?” chan whispers, sliding his hand inside your underwear and gripping you gently. “is this okay?” he asks, his own erection straining against his pants.
“yes, yes, please, channie.” you beg, your dick twitching in chan’s hold. you shift the blanket, moving it off your crotch so you can watch him touch you. the cold air is a welcome feeling, as chan’s hand is so warm against you.
“fuck, hyung.” chan gasps, his eyes widening at the sight of your hardened length. he takes a deep breath, leaning down and taking you into his mouth.
“chris! oh, fuck.” you buck up into his mouth at the sudden feeling, his mouth warm and tight around your cock. chan chuckles around you at the use of his real name, as he moves a hand down to play with your balls gently.
chan hums around you, sucking harder, his tongue dancing along your shaft. chan caresses your balls gently, eliciting another whimper from you. “you taste so good.” he lifts off your cock to breathe, then dives back in, swallowing your length fully and bobbing his head rhythmically.
“channie, oh my god.” you bury a hand in his hair, just petting it, not trying to force him to stay down on your cock. you throw your head back, whimpering as chan swallows around you.
“i’m not stopping, hyung.” chan promises, leaning back down, his cheeks hollowing as he sucks you deep. chan releases your balls, gripping your thighs tightly, hard enough to leave marks. “cum in my mouth, hyung.” he begs. chan increases his pace, sucking harder and bobbing quicker, his saliva dripping down your shaft. he takes you fully in his mouth, his nose brushing against your pubic bone. you hold back a loud moan and bite your bottom lip.
“close, channie. so close.” chan nods, swallowing around you, humming gently. a hot flash runs through your body, your hips bucking involuntarily into chan’s mouth. you come with a loud groan, filling chan’s mouth with your warm seed. you shake through your orgasm, your body going weak and your head falling back against the headboard. you pant, petting chan’s hair as he gently sucks you clean.
“there you go, baby.” chan praises, swallowing your cum and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. he presses a kiss to the side of your cock, humming happily. “are you alright?” chan asks, looking up, concern in his voice. you nod, visibly exhausted, opening your eyes slowly to see a red-faced chan with a crooked smile, his mouth slightly open.
“i- thank you, chan. that was…” chan giggles, leaning in to kiss your cheek.
“anytime, hyungie.” chan smiles, his heart racing. he sits closer to you, pulling you into a hug. “how do you feel?” he asks, his erection hard against your hip. you blush, leaning into his hug, shifting so your hip brushes against his bulge. chan whimpers, burying his face into your neck.
“i’m okay… what about you, channie? can i help you?” you whisper, caressing his inner thigh. chan whines, breathing heavily against your neck.
“hyung...” chan stammers, his erection pulsating against your hip. “i want to fuck you.” he confesses, his voice barely audible. “but only if you're okay with that.” he adds, his heart pounding wildly in his chest.
“oh, god.” you throw your head back in shock. “i want nothing more than that. please?” you plead and chan lets go of you, throwing the blankets off you both, sitting in front of you. he carefully guides you to lay on your back, your head against the pillow. chan giggles, slipping your shorts and underwear off your legs, leaving you alone in your shirt. chan slips off his shirt, revealing his perfectly toned body. you purse your lips together, admiring his body. “you’re so beautiful, chris.” chan blushes, looking away, covering his face with his hands.
“stoppp… i’m not.. i’m not beautiful.” you pull chan down, his legs kneeling on either side of your torso. you cup chan’s face with one of your hands, the other placed on his chest.
“you’re perfect, in every way. you’re so, so, pretty, christopher.” chan whines, burying his face in the crook of your neck, his face flushed red. “i mean it, baby. you’re so beautiful.” chan groans, pulling himself up.
“okay, okay, i get it, you’re in love with me.” chan teases, kneeling on his shins, slipping out of his shorts and underwear. you tilt your head to the side, admiring chan’s body.
“you’re not wrong. i’ve kinda always been in love with you, chris.” chan stops in his tracks, making eye contact with you.
“i… i love you too, hyung.” chan mumbles, his heart overflowing with emotion. he looks down, pumping his cock twice, his tip wet with precum.
you melt, reaching your hand out to hold chan’s. “so pretty, channie.” chan shakes his head, shy, taking your hand into his.
“hyung…” chan whimpers, his eyes locked on yours. he positions himself between your legs, his tip pressing against your entrance. “are you sure?” he asks, his voice shaking. you nod.
“i’m sure, channie. i’m good, go ahead.” you squeeze chan’s hand. chan takes a deep breath, pushing in slowly, hissing as he feels the tightness of your entrance. he stops, waiting for you to adjust.
“you okay?” he asks, his face flushed. you squeeze your eyes shut, gripping chan’s hand tightly.
“so- so big, channie.”
“sorry, hyungie.” chan apologizes, pulling out slightly and slowly pushes in again, a little further this time. “i’ll be gentle, i promise.” he whispers, his eyes locked on your face. you purse your lips together, gripping chan’s hand as tight as you can.
“it’s okay- ah,” you whimper. “you can go deeper. i can take it.” chan nods, thrusting slightly deeper, eyes blown wide at the sensation.
“fuck, you’re so tight, hyung.” he groans, starting a gentle pace, rocking back and forth out of you. you throw your head back at the burn, squeezing chan’s hand at every thrust. he squeezes back gently.
“puppy, feels so good.”
you can feel chan twitch inside of you, and he collapses onto your chest. he breathes heavily, holding your hand tight, stalling the movement of his hips.
“call me that again.” you chuckle, slipping your free hand into his hair.
“what..? puppy?” chan whines, burying his face into your shirt. he ruts up into you involuntarily, groaning as he pushes deeper into you.
“you’re driving me crazy, hyung.” his thrusts pick up again, going deeper every time. you softly pull his hair, groaning at the wonderful mix of pleasure and pain.
“just like that, puppy, you’re doing so well.” chan gasps into your shirt, his pace growing frantic. he fucks you harder, his free hand gripping your hip tightly. you moan loudly, eyes blown wide, watching chan fall apart on top of you.
“i’m- fuck, i’ll cum if you keep calling me that.” he bites the fabric of your shirt, his dick twitching inside of you as he ruts deeper into you. you squeeze his hand, pulling his hair so he lifts his head. chan looks up at you with teary eyes, a pout on his lips. you pull him closer, kissing him gently, your tongue running over his bottom lip. chan whimpers into the kiss, his dick throbbing inside of you. he slips his tongue inside your mouth, matching the frantic movement of his hips. he bites gently at your bottom lip, licking into you hungrily.
“good boy,” you whisper between kisses. “just like that, puppy.” you suck on chan’s tongue, squeezing his hand. chan moans into your mouth, his thrusts becoming sloppy. he fucks you harder, feeling his orgasm building up.
“hyung!” chan cries out, holding your waist tightly. he gasps between kisses.
“come on, puppy, you’ve got it.” you praise, kissing his nose. “come for me, pretty boy.”
chan chokes out a sob, arching his back, releasing into you. he kisses you hungrily, riding out his high. “i love you, hyung.” he whimpers, spilling his seed into you, pumping it deeper. you pet his hair gently, letting go of his hand. you cup his face, caressing his cheek, wiping a stray tear off his face.
“you did so well for me, puppy. i love you so much.” chan nuzzles his face into your hand, quietly letting the tears fall. “hey, hey, are you okay..?” you panic, frantically wiping his tears with both hands. chan nods in your hands, taking a deep breath.
“yeah, i’m sorry, just…” chan wipes his own tears away, embarrassed. he buries his face into your chest, murmuring. “just overwhelmed.” his voice cracks. your heart aches.
“i know, baby. i’ve got you.” you hold him closer, petting his hair and kissing his scalp. chan whimpers, holding onto you tightly. he lays on top of you, panting heavily, trying to catch his breath.
“you made me feel so good, hyung. thank you.” he mumbles into your shirt. you chuckle, tilting his head up by his chin to meet your eyes.
“anytime, channie. that was perfect.” you kiss chan’s nose. he giggles, kissing your lips tenderly. he smiles into the kiss, burying his face into your neck.
“thank you, hyung.” he whispers, nuzzling his face against your skin. you squeeze chan in your arms, sighing contentedly.
“i’ll hold you as long as you need, but we need to clean up soon, baby.” you caress his back, skating your fingertips along his muscles. chan shivers, snuggling into your embrace. he nods slightly, then slowly sits up, slipping out of you with a groan.
“we- we should clean up now, i think.” you nod, sitting up, wincing as globs of chan’s cum spill out of you onto the bedsheets. you chuckle, looking down at the blankets.
“we’re gonna have to do laundry, too.” chan giggles, helping you up to your feet, kissing your shoulder.
“let’s do that tomorrow, yeah? for now…” chan pulls you in for a passionate kiss. “let’s take a shower, okay?” he whispers against your lips. you nod, rubbing your nose against his.
“good idea, pup.” chan blushes, covering his face with his hand.
“stoppp it, hyung.” he whines, turning away and heading towards the bathroom as you follow closely behind, knowing that tonight is nowhere near over.
#bang chan smut#bang chan x reader#bang chan x male reader#bangchan smut#bangchan x reader#bang chan x you#bangchan x you#stray kids smut#skz smut#stray kids x reader#skz x reader#skz x you#m!reader
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opening random encanto yt videos’ comments section is like staring at the waking storm you’re about to plunge into and knowing it’s not gonna be pretty and you’re probably not getting out of it unscathed (aka calm/happy fine—also sorry pepa oof—)
god the amount of misinterpretations people have with the movie, with so many scenes is insane, i’m about to go even more insane myself than usual
it’s so frustrating and i want to throw my phone every time AAAAAAA
but anyway yes, i wrote this ask in the first place to ask about your thoughts on different details and plot points and just general stuff of the movie that you noticed and really love, with any/all of this helping you appreciate the movie more? just anything, really, your choice on whatever you wanna ramble :3 (also to make up for how my last question had stopped you from rambling AHAHAH)
because i know you have so many good ideas and thoughts, so i’d love to hear it hehe :>
hope i made sense with the question, just a bit sleep deprived rn haha, but yes, ty!! <33
I totally relate to this feeling😭 except instead of YouTube comments it’s like almost every platform💀 and thank you for the ask!!
I could rant forever about all the details in this movie honestly!!!
The foreshadowing is SO good in this movie!! waiting on a miracle and the family madrigal being obvious ones but did you guys know the order mirabel sees the doors flicker when she sees the cracks is the order they lose their powers in? Isa + Luisa first because that’s who’s powers act up first dolores + camilo + antonio at the dinner scene and alma last because she was the last one willing to admit the problems!!
I love the character design!! I’ve rambled about it many times but it’s just !!!
I love how despite mirabel being our protagonist they show when she’s wrong and other characters call her out! She’s not a perfect protagonist she’s a flawed teenage girl and that just makes her more endearing
I love that they didn’t make Mariano a mean character just because isabela didn’t want to marry him. The problem isn’t Mariano it’s isabela feeling trapped!! Mariano is also shown to be considerate!
I love that most of the focus is on the female characters (if only the fandom would do that) I love seeing a multigenerational cast of women all flashed out with their own unique traits
about the misinterpretations i completely agree. I feel like this fandom has a “fanon” problem. especially with the most developed characters! surprisingly the ones with the most screen are the most common mischaracterised. I really dislike how encanto as a movie went to such an effort to give every character such a variety of traits and nuance only for the fandom to continuously reduce them down to one singular trait. It almost feels like reinforcing those stereotypes the movie was so set on breaking. As well as this continuously ignoring some of the best canon traits each character has. They feel so far from the original you might as well consider them ocs at that point.
I love the animation on Bruno’s vision shards (they look edible), I love the little details in mirabels room like her outfit sketches being hung up on the walls! THE BUTTERFLIES!! this movie has so many hidden butterflies it’s so fun to spot them!!
the soundtrack obviously but also the score!! only recently discovered that “the house knows” is a reprise of “the cracks emerge” it blew my mind!!!
One thing I really love about encanto is the expressions! they can convey so much with so little and the little subtleties it adds to each character is just incredible to me!!
SKIRT ANIMATION. it’s like hypnotizing to see how the skirts flow in this movie I am glued to the screen every time.
the dos oruguitas scene is gorgeous and so incredibly important to the core message of this story! As well as this scene the fall of casita is another incredible one!!
the songs feel like full blown fantasy musical numbers and I don’t know why people consider that a criticism of the movie is about MAGIC I want to feel that magic in the visuals of the song. So each musical number was like the most incredible experience!!
I love how waiting on a miracle starts off as a reprise of the family madrigal before changing to 3/4 time to show how mirabels out of place
the line “how far do these roots go down” hits so hard and I cant explain why
Felix and pepas love is so real and pure
julieta and agustín are incredible parents
dolores entire design
the fact luisa wasn’t reduced to a stereotype and was allowed to be flawed
mirabels voice!! it’s so unique and recognizable like I love it sm
the way felix sings “no clouds allowed in the skyyy”
I love that the characters actually look their age!
almas room being a replica of her old home showing how metaphorically and physically she’s stuck in the past
“I was thinking of my daughter!!”
I love that with isas transformation it’s not her hating femininity but changing what her femininity means to her
I love how mirabels worst enemy is her own mind. the madrigals aren’t aware of how she feels because she never opens up and it’s just slowly eating her up inside. in the end mirabel needed to acknowledge herself in order to grow (I say acknowledge because I refuse to believe it’s acceptance and I think she would still struggle with her self perception post movie)
I love how the Madrigals use their gifts to help their community and not for self gain. It’s such an interesting twist on the classic superpowers story
I love that the Madrigals are just normal people who randomly got a miracle, nothing of status just normal people in a normal town who got gifted.
the way pepa kisses antonio and hugs him after he gets his gift !!!
the way isabela is the one to initiate the hug but mirabel is the one who snuggles into it
julietas smile
the entire animation is so gorgeous!!
antonio. just antonio if u hate antonio I hate u
I love how realistically written alma is and how her story is treated with respect and nuance.
how all the madrigals problems aren’t solved instantly but it’s shown in a montage that happens over large period of time
#encanto#encanto disney#disneys encanto#mirabel madrigal#mirabel encanto#isabela madrigal#disney’s encanto#bruno madrigal#luisa madrigal#dolores madrigal#camilo madrigal#felix madrigal#pepa madrigal#julieta madrigal#agustin madrigal#abuela alma madrigal#ok I’m done rambling#thank u for the ask!!#this was so fun!!#I love this movie so much
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Why are showers so many steps I want to be unconscious
#this is partially bc of the ongoing saga of me vs the mostly nonfunctional drain in my shower#but also just the physical act of showering bc my housemate said I could use her shower so like I don’t have to worry about the evil drain#the physical act of showering is requiring an illegal amount of mental and physical energy#but I have to do it bc I have work study in the morning#and I went outside today so#contamination anxiety says I can’t touch my bed until I shower#spoons#no spoons#im so tired#chronic health#chronic pain#I fucked up my legs again fml#or like I never unfucked up my legs but they are worse rn#contamination anxiety#I don’t want to do it (anything except sleep)#fever’s vibe check#feverdreamsandlucidnightmares
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Finally watching The Suicide Squad. Wish me luck
#why am I watching it?#it’s late but I don’t want to sleep#and I still haven’t seen it#right now all I want this movie to be is anything except boring#I will love it if it’s bad#(also Margot Robbie is an amazing Harley Quinn#she and Will Smith were my favorite parts of the original suicide squad movie)#but if it’s boring I don’t know what I’d do
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#i could’t sleep properly for two days it’s stuffy in the room and I can’t even open the window for another two hours#my head hurts I don’t want to do anything except watch stupid videos for hours#waaaaaahhh
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having one of those Times where on one hand everything is completely fine but, on the other hand, i am drowning and there’s so much to do and i’m at my wit’s end and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#like. h.#i have been having a low grade anxiety attack for two days now and i don’t know how to stop it#so i’m just trying to be kind to myself and get done as much as i can#even though my brain just wants to scream and bang pots together and sleep#it’s in times like these that i REALLY have to fight myself#to accomplish anything#but also i’m getting everything done and ahead of schedule so it’s FINE#but also i’m dying from the stress of everything and i want to curl up in a ball and die#and i DON’T want to die#but that’s where my brain goes when i’m stressed bc saying that is easier than actually figuring out what the problem is and dealing with i#unfortunately right now i think the problem is just that there’s a lot happening at the moment#so there’s nothing i can really do except keep pushing through it#but :((#i just want to stop feeling like this#based on past experience - i should come down soon#Panic (emotion) generally only lasts a few days#so we shall see
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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this sucks
#i have a whole saturday to do whatever i want#but i don’t want to do anything except sleep and stare at the walls.#i’m so fucking tired of being this tired.#izzy.txt
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going from being ashton all week to being my legal name again is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world
#ashtonstfu#also i either have to quit my job and move to illinois with my parents in like less than four months or uh hope i can find a job that can#support me AND a place to live based off that salary before they move and honestly#i’d rather fucking die than have to move with my parents but i have zero job prospects so#idk i guess i’ll just hope i die in my fucking sleep#and like i can’t blame my parents like i know it’s a good paying job my dad has and like he likes the area but like#CAN YOU FUCKING GIVE ME TIME#i won’t even offically have my degree til like may even tho i’ll be done in march#i’ve applied to literal hundreds of jobs but since my skills aren’t the best cause i don’t have any real world experience no one wants to#even interview me or train me or ANYTHING and the only way to get better is my practicing but i need more structure or something and if#someone would just be willing to train me at a fucking job i could do it!! but no one wants to do that except fucking sales jobs and i cant#do that shit again it is soul crushing#anyways i’m gonna have a full on mental breakdown cause uh#i’m too fucking overwhelmed i don’t have anything and i can’t move with them it’ll be a nightmare#if they would just slow the fuck down i might have a chance but we have a fucking realator coming thursday and i have so much shit to clean#i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do#even if by some miracle i get a job i have no credit and no money so fuck finding a place to live#it’s impossible#i’m gonna go throw up probably
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most frustrating thing is when people perceive you incorrectly and you can’t correct them at all
#I feel horrible + headache + stomachache + dizzy + tired#and my mom thinks these are symptoms of depression. I cried when she said that because it upset me which didn’t help my case at all#but like!! omg these are more likely symptoms of um. being sick??? I didn’t sleep well and there’s an illness going around!#I’ve been so kind to myself and happier than ever and yet!! as soon as I’m sick!! people think I want to die?!??#I’m mostly frustrated because she’s totally blind to how well I’m doing mentally and how bad I feel physically#like whenever I express how I feel… both physical and emotional… I’m disregarded#and that’s on her but I understand that she’s just doing her best to understand#and there’s some situations where people just won’t get you#because nobody’s a mind reader#but I wish there was a way for me to be understood regardless#I also feel bad that she assumes the worst case scenario :( like I don’t wanna stress her out like that#but I’m not really doing anything except feeling sick#whimsical.txt
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How the fuck do I act in an interview lmfao 🥴
#text#personal#i have to start applying to jobs soon 😭#and my mom suggested a hostess job since our acquaintance works there but i would rather Die than work a public-facing job again#like you don’t understand. I DO NOT WANT TO WORK. i have never had a dream job except for being an author but i don’t have the energy#or creativity for that anymore#but yeah i have to find a ~real job~ since i’ve graduated college and i have ‘skills’ (not actually though)#but anyways if i even make it to an interview round after applying how the actual fuck do i act#I’ve never had a ‘real’ interview bc I’ve only ever worked in fast food#am i supposed to kiss their ass? am i supposed to be honest? how honest? how much do i lie? do i even lie?#how do i explain the 8 month ‘gap’ in my resume lmfao. bc I can’t just say that I was moving for eight fucking months#ugh I really want to die like I would rather die than have to work 40-50 hours per week every week#like that sounds like absolute torture and i never lasted more than 2 months at my old jobs bc it got too overwhelming and hard to handle#i think there might be genuinely something wrong/off with me but idk what LMAO#i don’t think I can get disqualified from working or whatever bc I can technically work but I’ll burn through all of my energy#and literally be extremely depressed and miserable and have no time to do anything other than sleep and eat#i don’t even remember what I wrote at this point and I don’t care#the main point is that I hate working more than anything. i hate burning through all of my energy and having none left#I’m tired as fuck just writing this shit out. how the fuck am i supposed to get a real job and work it every day for the rest of my life#like there is NOTHING I enjoy laboring for. i wish I got paid to stream video games or post videos for a living but I’m not funny enough#or creative enough for that to work. plus idk how to stream or edit. and I know I’d get cancelled lmfao since my social skills are so poor#and I’d say something wrong. not even anything remotely bad but just word something wrong or use the ‘wrong’ word#ugh anyways. idk if I should tell my doctor all of this or if she’d even care (probably not)
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