blog of a woman who cut the space between her pinky and ring finger deep enough on her dominant hand to warrant stitches—the same one whose urgent care said "we can't do that" (because the girl was afraid of stitching hands) & sent her to the ER to get a $500 bill?

whats up

I HATE that I am perceived as a functioning person/adult. I hate that everyone just assumes I am "normal" and able bodied and able minded. I don't mean strangers, I mean doctors and my parents and other people in my life.

I tried opening up to my therapist that I can't work. She said "it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to." And then went on a patronizing rant like "nobody WANTS to work" and then I dropped that therapist.

Like I tried to make it clear I couldn't. I can't because of shut down, trauma, physical issues. Nobody takes me seriously. For months after that, my mom pushed that we just needed to find the right therapist and get me help.

Even if this was something that could change, it would take such a long time to see any change. I can't even find a therapist that doesn't make me wanna cry or feel small or feel like I'm faking. I can't even find someone that actually listens to me and doesn't see me as someone not even trying to be better. My psychiatrist literally painted me as a self centered entitled brat that thought no one cared about me cause of one fight me and my parents had and then shamed me for not being like my peers and being in college or working a job. And even when I was crying, he pushed on then just said "bye (deadname)" as if he didn't just leave me sobbing and feeling awful. He also ignored my autistic traits because my mom said she didn't notice anything. My parents say to this day they didn't know I had sleeping problems even though at 10 I started having them and they knew, oh they fucking knew alright.

I have had maybe ONE good therapist. But the thing was she was much older and way too much energy. It was exhausting to talk to her and sometimes explaining gen z stuff was like teaching a grandparent about the internet. And my last therapist was the first one that I used my name and pronouns with. And immediately she wanted to dive into my gender identity. I don't go to therapy to explain how I identify, I go to get some actual help. And when I described a situation as "humiliating" she brought out the patronizing condescending tone of "use another word cause it wasn't REALLY humiliating, was it?"

Yes. It was. I'm a narcissist. That was humiliating. It doesn't matter the reality, that is MY reality. Denying the humiliation doesn't make it stop, it just guilts me about feeling humiliated.

Like the reason I am functional is from tools my one good therapist gave me for coping with my anxiety (and paranoia/night anxiety and my delusions of the shadow man I used to have) and then stuff I learned from people online and in mental health communities.

I fucking hate therapists and psychiatrists. Until there is some mental health service overhaul, I am not gonna seek help because all it did was give me stuff to cry about and make me feel weak and broken and wrong for existing. All it did was give me bad memories.

I could go on. I oddly enough have a lot to say about the four therapists and the one psychiatrist I had. But all they fucking did was traumatize me when it comes to mental health treatment. I hate the American mental health system, I hate how hard it is to find a good professional, I hate how hard it is to get diagnosed or believed. I hate appearing as functioning because nobody believes me. Everyone in my life, starting with my family, expects me to be normal and functional. I, for years, thought it could never happen to me cause I was the "normal" one. Any mention of a disorder I ticked off for and should ask about, I went "but that can't be me. That's for people who actually have problems." No. I am the one with problems. I am the one with pain. I am the one with trauma. I am the one that shuts down. I am the one with needs. I am the one that loses their speech. I am the one with these disorders. I am the narcissistic one. I am the histrionic one. I am the avoidant one. I am the antisocial one. I am the borderline one. I am the schizoid one. I am the one fatigued. I am the one that needs help. I am the one that needs walking aids. I am the one that needs these accommodations.

The disability community has helped me feel so fucking seen. I always believed I was able bodied, but no. I literally saw my friends and felt jealous they had knee braces and stuff to help their pain. Because I didn't get that. I lived walking with pain and dealing with pain and believing it was a fault with myself for not exercising enough. I am angry that I refused to even let myself think I could possibly be disabled because "that couldn't be me." Not in an impossible I'm invulnerable way, but because I believed I didn't deserve help. I literally still feel guilt over needing accommodations even though it literally hurts to walk. I hate how ingrained in me this is. I hate that I get overlooked because I appear like an able bodied neurotypical person that can function in this stupid world. I resent my parents for ignoring me and not actually helping me.

I have so much in me and I am ANGRY about it. I am angry about my mistreatment. I am angry that I had to feel "jealous" over people that got accommodations while I was forced to push through because I was made to believe I didn't need them. Yes I need them. Yes I'm disabled. Yes I'm disordered. Yes I am neurodivergent. I am mentally and physically disabled and I'm not gonna shut the fuck up about it cause I was neglected for years and believed I just had to be stronger.

I am furious about the way my family and professionals around me ignored anything. I am furious about the way every adult in my life fucking failed me. I am furious about the fact I was always under expectations that I could never meet.

So I'm gonna sit here and be disabled and care for myself and not shame myself cause fuck I am allowed to live and care for myself until I can get help from actual good professionals that will listen to me and believe me. I am so sick of it being chopped up to my weight. I don't give a shit if I lose weight or not, I just want help for the pain that has only gotten worse since I was fucking 5. I want help for my sleep problems. I want to be able to be cared for. I want people to actually help me when I need it instead of forcing me into a short lived survival mode because I'm expected to function. I'm unmasking and I'm not fucking looking back. I lived so long in misery and self hatred and self blame. When I move out, I'm getting my fucking accommodations. These compression socks I got already help me a lot. I can't wait to get more accessibility accommodations and actually get myself some fucking help so I don't want to wear myself out each day with just being fucking alive. Fuck. Ableism.

Jade: Actually, someone who I think is hot that's a monster is Ursula.

Tori nodding: Mmm.

Jade: I thought that she was like- I loved her voice, I loved like her business she was running, cause she was honestly really fair with Ariel.

Tori laughing:

Jade: Like, you know what I mean? Like, she was like if you- you give me your voice and I give you legs.

Tori smiling: The long arm of the law, Ursula.

Jade: You think of the American Health Care system as it is today, if someone's like "if you want legs, just give me your voice" that's actually like pretty affordable.

Tori: Hey, an eye for an eye, a tit for tat.

Jade: Yeah, and so- but I- I thought she was hot and cool.

Tori: Sure... Like in an aunt who used to beat you type of way.

Jade: My aunt used to beat me.

Tori laughing: Exactly!

Jade laughing: She actually wasn't cool. God- I fucking hated her.

Tori looking away while laughing:

Jade: Ohmygod, every time I see her- whatever.

Tori wiping away tears from laughing so hard: Oh, Jade.

Jade: Because she would always come watch us when my mom was on deployment, and she was just awful.

Tori: Yeah.

Jade: Yeah. I hate her...

Jade going back to the topic: But there's also the VIP experience of Magcon!

Tori losing it again:

Oh no, not bad healthcare for the rich people! I just feel soooo bad you know, its always such a tragedy when colonizers move here to exploit our island and puertorricans don't bend over backwards to make their lives easier! Its so waful when the sufferings of the mangey poor unwashed masses also happen to affect the wealthy and privileged!

It's already bad enough that they had to go through a power outage! I mean, they were fine, they weren't like those disgusting gross people that dared to not have enough resources to survive a sudden deadly freeze and the subsequent government mismanagement. But it was just so cold! How can their delicate rich people skin EVER survive being a bit chilly!

Of course, the solution is to move to an island with a better history with natural disasters and a much more functional power grid! Plus, its got such a storied history with piracy! I know it does, because its in the caribbean and I watched Pirates of the Caribbean once! I bet the island is perfect for my pirate adventure, just like Sir Francis Drake!

And you don't even have to interact with the locals! You get to hang out with other proper rich people, as the lord intended! God forbid you move somewhere and actually have to suffer living amongst the dregs of society, can you imagine how terrible it must be to interact with the people you're colonizing?

But like, when we moved to a poor country, we didn't think the poverty would affect US??? We're rich! It's so awful that we don't get special treatment just because we turn into a (very) expensive lobster once we're out in the sun for longer than five minutes! Its such a fucking hassle when the poors don't know their place serving us! If we have any healthcare problems, we have to waste time getting a flight somewhere with PROPER healthcare! Its so rude to treat such important guests like that, the island rabble should be ashamed of themselves for letting us be mildly inconvenienced!

Ok, sarcasm aside, I HATE these articles with a burning passion. Its always rich americans that have enough money that they can just drop everything and relocate somewhere on a whim, and they always get upset that the poor countries they're taking advantage of are, in fact, poor countries with structural issues. Its so clear they never do any research, ever, and they're always upset that they have to deal with the same issues the rest of us do. And the thing is, they're rich. They have a support system somewhere else in a better area. They can literally just move back at any time with minor worries. None of these issues are actually more than a mild inconvenience to them, because if they were, THEY WOULDN'T BE HERE. Meanwhile, us puertorricans? We actually have to live here. I have family members that have died due to the healthcare crisis on the island. So do most of my friends. We struggle to find doctors with the space to see us, and god forbid we actually need a specialist. It took my grandma with cancer weeks to be able to see a doctor that specialized in cancer treatment so she could start chemo. To recieve basic mental health care, I had to do an outpatient hospitalization because there just aren't enough therapists on the island. And that's for us, who are lucky enough to be able to afford it. Not everybody can. In fact, most people can't. I and my family are amongst the luckiest here, and even we couldn't even come close to reaching the level of americans like these. My uncle's son is severely disabled, and hes lucky that he lives in New York, so he has access to services for himself and his family. He can't even visit Puerto Rico with his family because there just aren't enough services for his son to be safe here. Him and his wife take turns visiting family every few years, usually for family emergencies. His son will probably never step foot on the island. And, again, we are the lucky ones, and we struggle a lot with the situation here.

All that is without getting into other issues here. LUMA, our power company, is incompetent. We have constant power outages. A few days ago I spent a whole day without water because the water treatment plant didn't have electricity. We were prepared, because this occurs often enough that we have so many of containers of water stored away for when it happens. It was only for a few hours, so it didn't bother us. We're used to it. During summers, its common for there to be water rationing. Basically, the government shuts down water access for one to three days, and then you get a day of water. Repeat this for weeks if not months at a time. After Maria, I didn't have power from September 20th to January 11th. Luckily, the water was only gone for a week. Do you know what the Act 20's (americans who are here for tax benefits) do when this happens? They leave. They just pack their bags and head back to whatever layer of hell they came from, and they get to have a nice time visiting their family for a bit, and then they come back and can pretend it never happened because to them it didn't. They don't have to go through this. When our issues turn from a mild inconvenience into something they don't feel like dealing with, they get to take themselves out of the situation.

We can't do that. Do you know what happens when we cant take it anymore? We have to deal with it. Or, alternatively, we get to consider the posibility of leaving our whole lives behind, not because we want to, but because we need to. To leave our friends, our parents, our homes, our whole support systems, to venture into the unknown alone. When my uncle left for New York, he did not think he was going on a pirate adventure. He was thinking about how he was going to afford rent on his own. He was thinking about how New York was where the good jobs were, and if he and his wife wanted to live a stable life, they had to make that decision. He was thinking about how he didn't know how to dress for the New York winters, and there was no one there to teach him. He was thinking about how, for those first six months, he was completely alone amongst strangers that didn't want him there. The only reason he and his wife were able to make it was because of other hispanic immigrants that took them under their wing and taught them how to do what they needed to to survive this new, unfamiliar, unflinchingly hostile place. For them, moving away from home wasn't an adventure at all. It was a shared tragedy.

I think often about leaving. I love my island so much. I don't want to leave. I've spent a few years in New York for college, and it is so difficult. I love New York, I really do, but every second I spend there I can feel the wrongness resonating down to my bones. My home is etched there in the white stone inside me, and being away from it hurts. But I did it because I know an US degree is worth more than a PR one back home. I did it because there are resources there that I can't match in Puerto Rico. I did it because I thought that if I paid my dues now, there might not come the day that I have to pay penance there forever and be buried somewhere where there will be snow on my grave.

I'm looking for a job now in Puerto Rico. One of the jobs I applied to had 850 other applicants alone. Most others are also flooded with applications. I know I'm not going to find anything above minimum wage here. Im hoping that I'm smart enough, talented enough, lucky enough to be able to claw my way up and find a way to be able to stay. I'm terrified that I will have to leave anyways, that all my best efforts will not be enough, because hard work has never saved us from having to leave.

So no, Mrs. Sarah Lindsey and Mr. Sean Flynn, I don't feel bad for you. I don't feel bad that a couple of colonizers had enough privilege to be able to describe uprooting their entire lives as "wanting a change of scenery" or "looking for adventure of some sort, a pirate adventure." The struggles you can so easily just leave when cosplaying as poor island people no longer suits you are the ones we bear for the price of being able to live in our home. And, additionally, I would like you to know that Puerto Rico is quite the ironic place to live out your little fantasy. You want to be Sir Francis Drake?

Twice the forces of Sir Francis Drake and the full weight of the English crown sailed on our capital of San Juan with the intention of turning it into another colonial holsing for the British. Twice we held him at bay. Twice we forced him to retreat, once by cannon fire, and once by attacking until his entire fleet was sieged by an outbreak of dysintery. The English would never manage to find their footing in the Spanish Americas after this. Sir Francis Drake died shitting his guts out two months later off the coast of Panama after a string of defeats, his reputation in tatters.

So yes, go ahead and live out your pirate fantasy to its fullest extent! I'm sure you'll do great!

little rambly post thing. well. vent. prepare.

i hate making posts like this but i've been having a shit time recently with my own identity and dealing with personal shit so i gotta put this SOMEWHERE. who knows, maybe someone else can relate.

only reason i'm putting this here is because this is pretty much my alt account, i'm almost always on hbghq and not this account because of my public presence, but i don't particularly care if people who've followed this account (why are you guys here) see this.

i fucking hate being trans. genuinely. i see so many people going "be proud of yourself and who you are! you should love your trans body because it's done so much for you!" that mindset is great and all but for the love of all that's holy and unholy can we stop fucking romanticizing dysphoria. can we stop romanticizing being immensely uncomfortable in your own skin. can we stop romanticizing the thing that has led me to hold a knife to my own chest on the worst of nights and claw at my hips and stomach whenever i wear something my size or one size up. it's not fun, it's not cute, i'm not your little short king femboy or any of that bullshit, i'm fucking struggling to get through the day because i can't physically bind for more than a few hours. and i can't get hrt. i don't have a doctor or literally anything related. i'm trans, neurodivergent, and suicidal and despised by the american health system and government and you expect me to love myself? fuck no, get out of here.

i wish i could have been happy as a girl. i would have been a fuckin ugly girl but i wouldn't have had to deal with the shit that i do. i wouldn't cringe and want to tear my hair out every time i get referred to as "she". i would have been fine with having a noticeable chest. i would have probably been a lot happier with my life and made better decisions. i would have had higher standards for myself. but i'm trans, so i can't look at myself in the mirror. i'm trans, so i can't wear tight-fitting clothing even while binding because i have a large chest. i'm trans, so i hate myself and don't take care of myself like i should. it's a great experience.

oh yeah, and the icing on the fucking cake is that i'm fucking miserable. not regular miserable like i used to be, but some sort of new fucked up miserable that makes me feel about twenty times worse about myself when i see a trans person who's actually happy. good for them, sure, but for fuck's sake why can't i have that? why can't that be me? i should have gotten diagnosed with gender dysphoria in eighth fucking grade and now i'm in COLLEGE. why the fuck can't i have that? what am i doing wrong? why does everything cost SO FUCKING MUCH??? i physically can't even look at the price on the gas pump anymore. i don't have money. i doubt insurance will pay for it. and i can't do needles under any circumstances. i can't fucking do this. i genuinely don't know how i'm gonna live.

So it begins..

I decided for once I am going to have some humor about this.

So for some background: This is an online journal I wanted to start journaling my journey with a new weight loss drug that's currently sweeping the nation. You guessed it Ozempic or something in that drug class.

I was very resistant to even considering this drug in the beginning. I was worried about the side effects, the headlines, the people who were using it(celebrities). But recently I have noticed that I am stuck. I work out out like five times a week at least (mostly for my mental health) and for the most part I eat at home and don't tend to over eat a ton.

My weight doesn't reflect that at all. However I do have some issues with my diet and hormones working against me. I am on birth control and I have to be on it to address the other issues I have. It's also working against me. Something else that works against me is my family background. People on my father's sided of the family (Including my dad) have diabetes. Same issues on my mother's side of the family. Along with heart issues. My mother currently has five stents in her heart...

So I have a lot of shit against me and my health at my current weight. I do need help and it fucking sucks to say it. But I have tried hardcore working out along with a Keto diet can't get out of the 200's.

So that pretty much sums up the background.

This journal is a way for me to document my journey through our shitty health care system to possible get this drug covered..or not. To obtain a prescription which according to podcasts should be easy. I plan to be up front about wanting a prescription to this drug and with my weight I doubt I'll get any push back.

But here's a little story...

Went to my OBGYN office because I thought I start there. I didn't think they would prescribe me anything but get me a referral to move me in the right direction. That they did! Now the women I saw wasn't my normal dr. And she was the worst dr. I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Here's some highlights:

Me: So I came in today because I know a side effect of birth control is weight gain. I do not want to change my birth control because of this I am more interested in what options I have to meditate this side effect. *Then I explain my family history and my battle with weight gain my whole life*

Dr: ok...so what brings you in today?

Me: I have gained weight. I am having issues losing it. The weight is effecting my sleep and causing issues with knee pain when I work out.

Dr.: There are muscle dr in this very building!

Me:....

Dr.: Let me direct the questions to you.

Me: ok..

Dr.: Do you drink soda?

Me: no

Dr.: Do yo like carbs? Like bread, pasta, tortillas, oh help me out what's other carbs?

Me: Shrugs shoulders and stops answering

To sum it up she was the worst.

But she gave me what I wanted a referral to a dr who can prescribe me the drug.

Now I have to wait till tomorrow for them to call me to set up the appointment because I was not allowed to do it at the front desk while I was there...

ah....American Health care..

Stay tuned to see what fuckery happens next time!

I hate this!

CW:255

Currently listening to: Joji-Wanted You

My brain is going TO EXPLODE I hate my job and I hate the American health care system oh my god why is it so hard to get two fuckinh doctors notes why do I need a 3rd note and also a doctors confirming I had covid what the fuck

I hate the american medical system. The doctors don't give a shit about your well-being. YOU have to be the one to advocate for yourself because they. Don't. Care. They'd rather you fucking die than hurt their ego by being right about what's wrong with you. Or even saying there's something wrong with you when they "don't see anything wrong."

I can literally feel my joints deteriorating more and more every day but God forbid they actually use any of the resources I'm paying for to see if my levels are normal. Why can't there just be a clinic who says "what's wrong?" And when you tell them they ask "what tests do you want done?" Or "these are the tests we would need to do to check for that" and actually do them???

I'm sick of this shit. My body is deteriorating but god forbid I actually tell them what I think is wrong with me or else they'll treat me like I know nothing and am fishing for...a bloodtest? I'm literally just asking for a simple bloodtest because when I've tried to tell them directly what I think is wrong, they say "Oh ok I'll see if we can do that/set up an appointment and I'll call you back later" and never fucking call me back. Or just give me that look and say "it's probably nothing." Bitch. I have been in extreme pain and needed a mobility aid for years and no one even bothered to ask if maaaybe that wasn't normal?

I finally have a suspicion as to what's wrong with me but I can't even get basic medical care. I can't get a single doctor, nurse, or receptionist who will actually listen to me when I tell them what I think is wrong. I have to dumb down my questions because knowing "too much" could be a death sentence. I mean in this case I probably wouldn't die if I don't get medical care, but my quality of life would be severely impared and I would likely become even more permanently disabled.

Fucking hell.

I shouldn't have to avoid directly telling medical professionals what I think because they might just straight up refuse me care. And this applies to the mental health field too. I have to avoid talking too much about my internal experience or about my trauma without potentially getting dropped as a client or having the therapist suddenly no longer respect or trust me to be telling the truth or whatever. I had a therapist tell me she was surprised I knew what "comorbidity" meant. Fucking comorbidity. I have been in therapy for 10+ years and I can't even say the word comorbid without risking the therapeutic relationship.

This is insanity

I am going insane

Do you really hate this county? Or were you just ranting?

Sigh. I debated whether or not to answer this, since I usually keep the real-life/politics/depressing current events to a relative minimum on this blog, except when I really can't avoid ranting about it. But I have some things to get off my chest, it seems, and you did ask. So.

The thing is, any American with a single modicum of genuine historical consciousness knows that despite all the triumphalist mythology about Pulling Up By Our Bootstraps and the American Dream and etc, this country was founded and built on the massive and systematic exploitation and extermination of Black and Indigenous people. And now, when we are barely (400 years later!!!) getting to a point of acknowledging that in a widespread way, oh my god the screaming. I'm so sick of the American right wing I could spit for so many reasons, not least of which is the increasingly reductive and reactive attempts to put the genie back in the bottle and set up hysterical boogeymen about how Teaching Your Children Critical Race Theory is the end of all things. They have forfeited all pretense of being a real governing party; remember how their only platform at the 2020 RNC was "support whatever Trump says?" They have devolved to the point where the cruelty IS the point, to everyone who doesn't fit the nakedly white supremacist mold. They don't have anything to do aside from attempt to usher in actual, literal, dictionary-definition-of-fascism and sponsor armed revolts against the peaceful transfer of power.

That is fucking exhausting to be aware of all the time, especially with the knowledge that if we miss a single election cycle -- which is exceptionally easy to do with the way the Democratic electorate needs to be wooed and courted and herded like cats every single time, rather than just getting their asses to the polls and voting to keep Nazis out of office -- they will be right back in power again. If Manchin and Sinema don't get over their poseur pearl-clutching and either nuke the filibuster or carve out an exception for voting rights, the John Lewis Voting Rights Act is never going to get passed, no matter how many boilerplate appeals the Democratic leadership makes on Twitter. In which case, the 2022 midterms are going to give us Kevin McCarthy, Speaker of the House (I threw up in my mouth a little typing that) and right back to the Mitch McConnell Obstruction Power Hour in the Senate. The Online Left (TM) will then blame the Democrats for not doing more to stop them. These are, of course, the same people who refused to vote for Hillary Clinton out of precious moral purity reasons in 2016, handed the election to Trump, and now like to complain when the Trump-stacked Supreme Court reliably churns out terrible decisions. Gee, it's almost like elections have consequences!!

Aside from my exasperation with the death-cult right-wing fascists and the Online Left (TM), I am sick and tired of how forty years of "trickle-down" Reaganomics has created a world where billionaires can just fly to space for the fun of it, while the rest of America (and the world) is even more sick, poor, overheated, economically deprived, and unable to survive the biggest public health crisis in a century, even if half the elected leadership wasn't actively trying to sabotage it. Did you know that half of American workers can't even afford a one-bedroom apartment? Plus the obvious scandal that is race relations, health care, paid leave, the education system (or lack thereof), etc etc. I'm so tired of this America Is The Greatest Country in the World mindless jingoistic catchphrasing. We are an empire in the late stages of collapse and it's not going to be pretty for anyone. We have been poisoned on sociopathic-libertarian-selfishness-disguised-as-Freedom ideology for so long that that's all there is left. We have become a country of idiots who believe everything their idiot friends post on social media, but in a very real sense, it's not directly those individuals' fault. How could they, when they have been very deliberately cultivated into that mindset and stripped of critical thinking skills, to serve a noxious combination of money, power, and ideology?

I am tired of the fact that I have become so drained of empathy that when I see news about more people who refused to get the vaccine predictably dying of COVID, my reaction is "eh, whatever, they kind of deserved it." I KNOW that is not a good mindset to have, and I am doing my best to maintain my personal attempts to be kind to those I meet and to do my small part to make the world better. I know these are human beings who believed what they were told by people that they (for whatever reason) thought knew better than them, and that they are part of someone's family, they had loved ones, etc. But I just can't summon up the will to give a single damn about them (I'm keeping a bingo card of right-wing anti-vax radio hosts who die of COVID and every time it's like, "Alexa, play Another One Bites The Dust.") The course that the pandemic took in 21st-century America was not preordained or inevitable. It was (and continues to be) drastically mismanaged for cynical political reasons, and the legacy of the Former Guy continues to poison any attempts to bring it under control or convince people to get a goddamn vaccine. We now have over 100,000 patients hospitalized with COVID across the country -- more than last summer, when the vaccines weren't available.

I have been open about my fury about the devaluation of the humanities and other critical thinking skills, about the fact that as an academic in this field, my chances of getting a full-time job for which I have trained extensively and acquired a specialist PhD are... very low. I am tired of the fact that Americans have been encouraged to believe whatever bullshit they fucking please, regardless of whether it is remotely true, and told that any attempt to correct them is "anti-freedom." I am tired of how little the education system functions in a useful way at all -- not necessarily due to the fault of teachers, who have to work with what they're given, and who are basically heroes struggling stubbornly along in a profession that actively hates them, but because of relentless under-funding, political interference, and furious attempts, as discussed above, to keep white America safely in the dark about its actual history. I am tired of the fact that grade school education basically relies on passing the right standardized tests, the end. I am tired of the implication that the truth is too scary or "un-American" to handle. I am tired. Tired.

I know as well that "America" is not synonymous in all cases with "capitalist imperialist white-supremacist corporate death cult." This is still the most diverse country in the world. "America" is not just rich white middle-aged Republicans. "America" involves a ton of people of color, women, LGBTQ people, Muslims, Jews, Christians of good will (I have a whole other rant on how American Christianity as a whole has yielded all pretense of being any sort of a principled moral opposition), white allies, etc etc. all trying to make a better world. The blue, highly vaccinated, Biden-winning states and counties are leading the economic recovery and enacting all kinds of progressive-wishlist dream policies. We DID get rid of the Orange One via the electoral process and avert fascism at the ballot box, which is almost unheard-of, historically speaking. But because, as also discussed above, certain elements of the Democratic electorate need to fall in love with a candidate every single time or threaten to withhold their vote to punish the rest of the country for not being Progressive Enough, these gains are constantly fragile and at risk of being undone in the next electoral cycle. Yes, the existing system is a crock of shit. But it's what we've got right now, and the other alternative is open fascism, which we all got a terrifying taste of over the last four years. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to go back.

So... I don't know. I don't know if that stacks up to hate. I do hate almost everything about what this country currently is, structurally speaking, but I recognize that is not identical with the many people who still live here and are trying to do their best, including my friends, family, and myself. I am exhausted by the fact that as an older millennial, I am expected to survive multiple cataclysmic economic crashes, a planet that is literally boiling alive, a barely functional political system run on black cash, lies, and xenophobia, a total lack of critical thinking skills, renewed assaults on women/queer people/POC/etc, and somehow feel like I'm confident or prepared for the future. Not all these problems are only America's fault alone. The West as a whole bears huge responsibility for the current clusterfuck that the world is in, for many reasons, and so do some non-Western countries. But there is no denying that many of these problems have ultimate American roots. See how the ongoing fad for right-wing authoritarian strongmen around the world has them modeling themselves openly on Trump (like Brazil's lunatic president, Jair Bolsonaro, who talks all the time about how Trump is his political role model). See what's going on in Afghanistan right now. Etc. etc.

Anyway. I am very, very tired. There you have it.

I've always wondered this, but what do you think the Cullen's political viewpoints would be, given their individual backgrounds? if vampires don't change after they turn, then surely they would all be extremely racist (especially Jasper). would this not come up at some point? they aren't like the Volturi because the Volturi are too old to care, but the Cullens are young enough that they have been brought up with opinions on stuff like sexism, racism, homophobia and the like.

Oh fuck.

You get an early answer because otherwise I'll just chicken out and delete this one, pretend I never saw it.

UMMM.

Since I'm guessing you meant American political viewpoints, we need a disclaimer. I am not American, and not too knowledgeable about your politics. Not just in the sense that I don't follow the day-to-day drama, but as I am not an American citizen there are several things I don't know, can't know because I've never lived in your country and therefore can't know what the effects of living in a country ruled by American policies is like. What I do know is based off of the news in the foreign section, social media (by which I mean tumblr posts), and Trevor Noah's Daily Show.

I am an outsider looking in.

Which is really rather appropriate, since the Cullens are too.

The Cullens go to high school and college, Carlisle works, they pay taxes, they own real estate, and submerge themselves in American culture. Esme, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, and Bella are young enough that this is in many ways their world, and apart from timeouts they've more or less spent their entire lives, human and vampire, integrated into American society.

Not fully integrated, mind you, they do what they need to to fit in and get to school or, in Carlisle’s case, to work. They go no further. No extra-curriculars for the kids, no book clubs for Esme, no game nights for Carlisle. They walk parallel to humans, not among us.

In addition to this they're obscenely rich, which puts them another thousand miles from the experiences of your average American. They won't deal with the health system, which means healthcare is a non-issue, they're not going to need welfare or other social programs, unemployment is another non-issue. Name your issue, and the Cullens don't have personal stake in it. Even the climate crisis won't be a problem for them the way it will for us.

What I'm trying to say is, American political issues are a concept to them, not a lived reality. Just like they are for me. So hey, you made a great choice of blog to ask.

I'll also add here that you say the Volturi are too old to care, and I agree- from an ancient's point of view, racism is a matter of "which ethnicity are we hating today?", and it all looks rather arbitrary after a while. Same with every other issue - after a while it all just blends together into "what are the humans fighting over today? Which Christian denomination is the correct one? Huh. Good for them, I guess."

I can't put it any better than this post did, really. The Volturi are real people, humans are nerds and tumblr having Loki discourse. Aro thinks it's delightful and knows entirely too much about Watergate (and let's be real, Loki discourse as well), but the point I wanted to get at is that politics really don't matter to vampires.

And I don't think they matter to the Cullens either.

So, moving on to the next point while regretting I didn't put headlines in this post, I'll just state that I don't think vampires' minds are frozen. Their brains are unable to develop further, and they can never forget anything, but... well, this isn't the post for that, but in order for this to be true of vampires they would barely be sentient. They would not be able to process new impressions, to learn new things, nor to have an independent thought process. Yes, we see vampires in-universe (namely, Edward, who romanticizes himself and vampires) believe they're frozen and can never change, but there is no indication that this is a widespread belief, or even true. Quite the contrary - Carlisle went from a preacher's son who wanted to burn all the demons to living in Demon Capital for decades and then becoming a doctor and making a whole family of demons. Clearly, the guy has had a change in attitude over the years. Jasper, in his years as a newborn army general, slowly grew disenchanted with his life and developed depression. James initially meant to kill Victoria and hunted her across the earth, then became fascinated and changed his mind about it.

Had these people been incapable of change, Carlisle would still be hating demons, Jasper would be in Maria's army, and James would still be hunting Victoria.

It goes to follow, then, that they are able to adapt to new things.

The question is, would they?

Here I finally answer your question.

So, we have these people who don't really have any kind of stake in politics, who keep up to date all the same (or are forcibly kept up to date because high school) and are generally opinionated people.

Where do they then fall, politically?

(And this is where you might want to stop reading, anon, because I'm about to eviscerate these people.)

Alice votes for whoever's gonna win. She also makes a fortune off of betting each election. Trump's 1 to 10 victory in 2016 was a great day to be Alice. MAGA!

The actual policies involved are completely irrelevant, she does this because it's fun. Election means she gets to throw parties. Color coded parties for the Republican and Democratic primaries, and US-themed parties for Election Night! (Foreigner moment right here: I at first wrote "Election wake" before realizing that's not what y'all murricans call it.)

Alice loves politics. Doesn't know the issues, but she sure loves politics.

Bella votes Democrat. She actually knows about the issues, and cares about them. This girl is a Democrat through and through.

Carlisle doesn't vote. I can't imagine it feels right. Outside of faked papers he's not a US citizen, this is meddling in human affairs that he knows don't concern him.

More, this guy has never lived in a democracy.

In life, Carlisle lived under an absolute monarchy that, upon civil war, became an absolute theocracy. From there he learned that vampires live under a total dictatorship.

For the first 150 years of his life, democracy was that funky thing the Athenians did in history books thousands of years ago, no more relevant to him than the Ancient Egyptian monarchy is to me. Then the Americans, and later other European countries started doing this.

Good for them.

There's this mistake often made by those who view history from a... for lack of a better term, a solipsistic standpoint. A belief that the present day is the culmination of all of history. “My society is the best society, the most reasonable society; all the others had it backwards. Thank god we’re living in this enlightened age!”

The faith in our current system of government is one such belief. We (pardon me if this doesn’t apply to everybody reading this post) have grown up in democracies, being told this is the ultimate form of rule, and perhaps that is true - but remember the kings who have told their subjects they had were divine and the best possible ruler based on that. Remember also that most modern democracies haven’t actually been democracies for very long at all, America is the longest standing at some 230 years (not long at all in the grand scope of things) and they have a fracturing two-party system to show for it.

Every society, ever, has been told they’re the greatest, and their system of government the most just. Democracy is only the latest hit.

This is relevant to Carlisle because he’s immortal and decidedly not modern. Democracy has not been installed in him the way it was the rest of the Cullens, Jasper included. To him- well, it’s just not his world. He has no stakes in our human politics, and as he is older than every current democracy and has seen quite a few of them fall, he’s not going to internalize the democratic form of rule the way a modern human has.

I think the concept of voting is foreign to him.

It requires a level of participation in human society that he’s simply not at. He does the bare minimum to appear human so he do the work he loves, but nothing more, and I find that telling.

As it is I think he'd be iffy about his family doing it. He won’t stop them, but in voting they’re... well it’s kind of cheating. They’re not really citizens, none of this will affect them, and by voting they’re drowning out the votes of real human voters. He does not approve.

Edward votes Democrat. He's... well he’s the kind of guy who will oil a girl’s bedroom window so he can more easily watch her sleep without being discovered, justifying it to himself as being okay because if she were to tell him to get lost he’d stop immediately. Same guy is so sure that he’d leave and never return again if she wanted him to, except this is the man who returned to Forks to hang around his singer, knowing there was a significant chance he might kill her. To say nothing of his Madonna/Whore complex, or of the fact that he tried to pimp out his wife twice, and was willing to forcibly abort her child.

This guy is very much in love with chivalry, with being an enlightened and feminist man who supports and respects women, while not understanding the entire point of feminism, which is female liberation.

He votes Democrat because he’s such an enlightened feminist who cares about women’s rights.

Emmett doesn’t care to vote, but if he has to he votes Republican. The guy is from the 1930′s, and has major would-be-the-uncle-who-cracks-racist-jokes-if-he-was-older vibes.

Esme doesn’t vote, that would require getting out of the house.

More, I just... can’t see it. I can’t see her being one to read up on politics and The Issues, period, but if she has to then I doubt she’d be able to decide.

Jasper doesn’t vote. Alice can have her fun, he does not care.

There’s also the whole can of worms regarding the last time he went to bat for American politics.

I imagine he stays out of this.

Renesmée doesn't vote. She has no stock in the human affairs. Who would she vote for, on what grounds? When Bella tries to pull her to the urns, she points out that she's three years old.

Rosalie, guys, I’m sorry, but that girl is definitely gonna vote Republican. Perhaps not right now as it’s become the Trump party of insanity, but the Mitt Romney type of Republicans? Oh yes.

And for the record, yes I imagine she does vote. To step back from politics would be another way she was relinquishing her humanity, and that’s not allowed to happen. So, yes, she goes to the urns, less for the sake of the politics involved and more because like this, she’s still a part of society in some way.

Now, onto why I think she’s Republican, I think it’s both fiscal and social.

This girl was the daughter of a banker who somehow profited off of the Depression, and who then became part of a family with no material needs that would soon become billionaires thanks to Alice. Poverty to Rosalie is a non-issue, as it is I imagine she views it as a much lesser issue than what she’s had to deal with. The humans can pull themselves up by their bootstraps, Rosalie’s infertility is forever.

Rosalie’s empathy is strongest when she’s able to project onto others, and she won’t be able to project onto the less fortunate at all.

Then there’s the fact that the Republican party is all about traditional family values, and pro-life.

Rosalie, a woman from the 1930′s who idolizes her human life and who‘d love nothing more than to get to live out this fantasy, is down for that. And as of Breaking Dawn she’s vocally pro-life, so there’s that.

This all being said I don’t think Rosalie cares to sit down and fully understand these politics she’s voting for, the possible impact they’ll have- that’s not important. What’s important is what voting does for her.

TL;DR: I bet anon regrets asking.

Reactions: 11x03 Frances Francis Franny Frank

While I feel like I’ve said a million words about this episode already I still have a lot more to say, so... 

* To start: I think there’s a lot about this episode to recommend it. I think it plants seeds I fully expect to see grow over the rest of the season. I think it might have the first real hint of the ending. And I think it did things with two characters I often do not enjoy that made me enjoy them. So full credit on that front. 

* Father Lip and his extremely tricked out baby room is delightful to me. I have come full circle on Lip. I was pretty exhausted by him in the later seasons, but this season I’m just like... You’re doing ok, Lip. Keep figuring it out. 

* And look. I live in a country with universal health care so a huge portion of this episode is like watching a horror movie to me -- but a horror movie that takes place on Mars, where you’re just like “This is TERRIBLE. You guys should get off of Mars.” Give up everything to save your baby because that’s the only choice afforded you. I really want someone to tell me that isn’t actually a thing that can happen to people. I fear no one will. 

* Gallavich: Enter fucking. In an entirely new way! I don’t think I paid this enough mind my first trip through the episode because I was too focused on things like “Did he just call him a dirty convict?” -- but there is so much going on here in terms of what we’ve ever seen of their sex life. Overt dirty talk, choking, Mickey on his back... And while it goes off the rails FAST, I do like the energy of Mickey’s move to switch positions because it reminds me of their play-wrestling in season five, a dynamic I think is very real and very indicative of a loving relationship between two teenaged boys. Ex-teens now, but it still works. 

* Ok, but... Like Ian looks honestly freaked out and that is... um... interesting. I reblogged @gallavictorious ‘s post earlier on this scene which I recommend. In general Ian’s reluctance makes sense to me, but I still get a level of unease that surprises me. They may never comment further (I don’t expect them to), but. It’s notable to me. 

* I still like the intimacy here. The rolling around together on their tiny bed and everything. I dunno. Even with all the conflict, they still seem in sync with each other. 

* watching from my app with captions is helpful. Debbie isn’t that crazy. She asks someone to take Franny to school and then Ian and Mickey say yes to taking Carl to work which is reasonable for her to assume means they’re taking Franny. But... Liam quickly points out that this has happened to him before. 

* For the second week in a row there is something happen on this show I am more interested in than the Gallavich story. And it’s Frank. WTF. 

* Kevin REALLY needs to watch Better Call Saul. 

* Oh my GOD does it feel like classic early-season Shameless, having Mickey and Kev in a scene together. I approve. I am in for more of this on every level. Actually, at The Alibi in general, Mickey feels so deeply familiar. But also, does Kev REMEMBER he’s had his keg robbed before? They taped him to a chair, for God’s sake. 

* It is flat out magical realism to tell us Mickey doesn’t work out.

* So on second viewing I think the emasculation of Ian at the hands of the retail giant is more clear. I still find a lot of the misogynist language tough to listen to in that context. Honestly, there’s something about the whole concept of emasculating that bugs me because of what it suggests about gender. Doesn’t mean that it’s not a very loaded thing for Ian to be experiencing, though. 

* I really don’t have much to say about Carl the Cop. I think they are taking the position that the cops are the worst, but this is also one of those things I don’t find entertaining. 

* You know who I DO find entertaining? Sandy. And she’s a pretty great girlfriend. 

* I cannot even tell you how low my tolerance for Frank generally is. This is may be the only episode where I’ve enjoyed him. 

* I like the fact that Debbie keeps entering rooms yelling “FRANK GALLLLLLAGHER” a la Mickey in season one with Ian. 

* Ok, so... Yeah. I just don’t like how mean Mickey and Ian are to each other in this episode. I don’t like the rubbing the salt in the would when Ian quits his job. I don’t like the fighting. @fiona-fififi wrote a comprehensive post about their physical fighting and it’s well written and I do not disagree... but I hate it when they hurt each other like this. I’m just not here for it. 

* V is the voice of the show here. Like, this is what they want to hammer home. And her speech is a good one. But I’m still just not enjoying how dark this one got. I DO get why Ian is not rushing to forgiveness because man did Mickey go in on him at a vulnerable moment. 

* Ok -- I said this before but I’ll repeat it. There is something in the scene with Frank and Franny makes me feel like we’re getting foreshadowed hard. They really hold on his confusion and he seems unnerved. Disorientation is normal for Frank. But he seems to be signalling in the moment that what he’s experiencing isn’t normal. Hmm. 

* Seriously. The American health care system is a nightmare. It should be the title of a Ryan Murphy series. 

* I honestly think Presley Schrader is doing a great job in this episode. Ditto Christian, who doesn’t have a lot to do, but nails Liam’s long-suffering resignation. 

* Second viewing, I found Debbie more sympathetic, but I feel like we don’t get nearly the sense of her “running everything” the way we did with Fiona, so her frustration with her siblings seems extreme. Also, Sandy clearly disapproves and I think they intend for us to see Sandy as a voice of reason. 

* I have a lot more understanding of Lip yelling at Debbie than I ever had of him yelling at Fiona, which is maybe indicative of not feeling like her load is as heavy. 

* Milton continues the proud tradition of random Gallagher acquaintances who are fundamentally decent and helpful. He goes into the Parthenon along with Ryan and Barb. Because YES, Lip is pouring a lot of time and money into a house he doesn’t own, and apparently he didn’t make ANY arrangement about that. Milton doesn’t have to do what he does. But apparently he’s just a good guy. 

* This is very random but I’ve read so much from people complaining about mask use on TV right now -- how people take them off when they should most be on -- and I enjoy the fact that Shameless is at least nodding to why someone isn’t wearing a mask.... But Tami had the absolutely best and most convincing reason.  * So we close on Gallavich as we found them (RIP anyone who is home at that particular moment) -- fucking and fighting about the Jonas brothers. I really like what @pathoftheranger had to say about that scene so I think that’s going to be the bulk of my comment. Just... well. They seem to have moved through some stuff. I guess we’ll see where they’re at come January. 

Dark Side Of The Rising Sun Part 1

Yo what’s up!

After the success of my previous post, I’ve decided to bring a follow up where I talk about the many dysfunctions and issues facing Japan that I’ve learned in my research. Detective Conan often shows the criminal justice system of Japan in a positive light while in reality it has many issues due to the culture.

Now let me make this clear: Japan has many great things about itself that should never be ignored. However, these are real flaws that have or need to be addressed with many Japanese also recognizing them as problems.

Now I had to split this into parts as this is rather ungainly to put it all at once. If you have any questions please ask and I’ll do my best to answer them.

 Suicide

Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world with about 15.2 deaths per 100,000 people.

This is due to many factors such as Suicide not being considered a sin as well as historical connotations of it being a honorable way to go.

It is also considered a act of revenge, apology, and protest.

It is mostly caused today by factors such as unemployment, alienation and intense social pressure.

Japanese society is overall tolerant of Suicide but this is changing in recent times.

Another factor is the need for acceptance over individuality.

People with mental illness are often discriminated against, stopping potential help.

Internet Suicide Clubs where anonymous people make/plan suicide pacts and commit group suicide are a major issue.

If you kill yourself via Shinkansen, your family will be fined heavily. It is also the cause of half of the train delays and referred to as a human incident.

Tall buildings have mandatory suicide fences to prevent people from jumping off. When they succeed, they take off their shoes before hand.

It is common for suicidal people to take insurance policies and wait a year or two to go through with it so their families would be okay.

Ikka Shinju or family suicides are when the entire family kills themselves together due to Asian views of the family. When the parents kill their children before themselves, this is called Muri-Shinju or murder suicides.

Oyaku Shinju or parent-child suicide are where a single parent kill their children along with themselves.

Drownings, overdoses, hangings, and jumping off places are the most common form of suicide.

Judiciary

Traditionally, the judge is hated more then the lawyer is in the west as the Judge is often viewed as a symbol of the Japanese nobility judging the common man.

If you are sent to trial, you are certain to be convicted regardless of innocence due to the countries 99% conviction rate. (Really makes Eri’s work more awesome and badass doesn’t it?)

The Japanese supreme court is one of the most conservative in the world, rarely ruling against issues that are blatantly unconstitutional and anti human rights. As a result, one of the more positive proposals for amendments of the Constitution is the creation of a separate Constitutional Court.

If you are sent to death row, you will never be told in advance when you are going to die.

Culturally, once arrested the person is automatically considered guilty.

Police are often reluctant to overturn convictions as they insist that only guilty are arrested and convicted.

The law when a child is considered criminally responsible is 14.

Judges are often pressured into making convictions as their careers are negatively affected by a not guilty verdict.

Prosecutors are given the choice not to pursue a case regardless of sufficient evidence.

Prisoners in Japan, while somewhat treated better then much of the world due to it’s focus on rehabilitation instead of punishment, have to follow strict military style regulations from minor things such as being forced to fold the bed, or to wash your face to more draconian measures such being beaten if you don’t march or sit the wrong way.

In turn, many have inadequate access to medical care as they don’t have many options for their healthcare.

It can take months or years before you are tried, meaning that a right to a speedy trial is completely nonexistent.

“Periods of reflection” where inmates are forced to be handcuffed, gagged and placed in solitary, are often not recorded by the warden.

Foreigners are forced to speak and write in Japanese.

Drug Use

It is considered vastly socially unacceptable to do narcotics in Japan.

Most drug addicts are even considered to be not human.

If a celebrity is caught doing drugs, his career is automatically fucked and he is blacklisted from the industry, as well as erased from current projects.

The most commonly sold drug is methamphetamine. This started after World War II due to Meth being legal for soldiers to consume in order to stay up late on petrol as well as from occupying Americans. After the was, it became a huge epidemic for 12 years.

Marijuana use has risen among youth. Despite it having little danger as well as medicinal uses, it is widely considered evil, with the law having no tolerance.

Overall, Japan has little drug use compared to the rest of the world due to the cultural taboo and strict laws. However, there are signs that it is being vastly under counted,

Most illicit drugs are imported from Taiwan and South Korea due to it being near impossible to grow it natively but it is becoming increasingly hard to do so.

Drugs overdoses are criminally under diagnosed.

Epidemics often occur due to low periods of economic growth and recessions. (Examples include the postwar period, the 70′s, and the Lost Decade after the Bubble Economy burst in 1989)

It is common for your family or doctor to call the police once you admit there is a problem. Then you are forced to take a urine sample and if it tests positive you are immediately arrested.

A lot of doctors open pharmacies to add to their income. As a result, many oversubscribe prescription drugs.

Hypocritically, Alcoholism is completely tolerated and not treated as a addiction due to alcohol being considering purifying in Shinto, a cure, and Japan having a intense drinking culture.

Child Abuse

For the most part, physical child abuse is considered a private issue and often ignored. While things are slowly getting better, Japan still has a long way to go. (Imagine if Kogoro did what he did to Conan in the west. Child services would be on him like a fly swatter.)

Child services often return the children to their parents even if they say their abusing them as the counseling centers need the parents to admit to their abuse.

It is a complete myth that Japan’s age of consent is 13. That is only the lowest one could set it. Most prefectures are set at 16 or higher. In turn, child molestation of those under 12 is heavily punished. However while vaginal rape of children is illegal, basically just about everything else as long as it’s statutory is basically alright.

Enjo Kosai or compensated dating is the practice of Teenage Girls to go on dates with older men in exchange for money and gifts. While not necessarily always leading to prostitution is treated as such and the girls are often blamed if they are hurt in the process.

Child sex trafficking of migrants is a serious issue and they are often treated as criminals and sent home without counseling.

Adoption of children is rare and frowned upon so many of them have to gro up in centers.

Children of unmarried couples are discriminated against due to the violation of the traditional Ie system and do not have the same protections or privileges of married couples because of its Koseki system.

Men are not obligated to pay child support and it’s near impossible to get them to legally as they can simply hide their finances by not telling them. Plus only one person can be named on the custody sheet.

Child Pornography was effectively decriminalized until 2014. No seriously.

Sexual Harassment/Assault

Domestic violence victims are disabused from coming forward due to the idea of bringing shame to their family.

Stalking cases are rarely taken seriously by the police

OH THERE”S WAY MORE BUT THIS LIST IS DARK ENOUGH SO LET”S SAVE THIS FOR A LATER DATE.

Working Conditions

Idols are heavily exploited and forced to follow strict rules such as having no social life, banned from having a boyfriend, etc. This is because they are supposed to sell a image of innocence and be there exclusively for their fans.

Anime creators are often forced to work long hours with little pay. This has resulted in a slump in the industry with very few new hires so they are forced to rely on the older animators whose health may fail sooner rather then later.

Funds are rarely given to films with artistic intent or that are political in nature, resulting the film industry suffering compared to the more internationally regarded South Korea.

Police Corruption

Until recently, Japanese police would work with organized crime to lower crime. The only reason they stopped was not out of concern for the everyday citizen but because they were embarrassed by the Yakuza when they began to show up more publically.

The media is often laughably compliant to the police, with they rarely offering a critical lens.

Police have undue influence on the Pachiko industry, with many retired officers being hired as muscle and for advice.

It is quite common for officers to embezzle from their slush funds.

In a effort to cover up crime, police often refuse to investigate mysterious or suspicious deaths, preferring to label them as accidents or suicide.

Police are often anti migrant and sexist to a fault.

It is neigh impossible to get a wiretap going due to rigid privacy laws.

Even the police can’t fire weapons as you need approval to even loose your gun so many officers have never fired a bullet.

Government Incompetence/Corruption

Voter Apathy is super high, with many elections having hilariously low turnout.

Many politicians have Yakuza connections, with the gang members serving as bodyguards and canvassing for votes.

Votes in the countryside are worth two compared to urban ones.

A lot of politicians are completely out of touch and constantly have to resign for gaffes (racism, sexism, historical revisionism, etc.)

Political acts are based on group consensus so it can take a long time to get meaningful reform done.

Criticism and debate is ironically frowned upon, with open criticism within a party being effectively banned.

Cronyism is common. While for the most part Japanese politics is based on expertise, many politicians are awarded ministries based on their support for the leader.

The NHK (Japanese version of the BBC) is largely neutral and free but the current Japanese government can dictate what it is to focus on temporarily.

Press Clubs are often given exclusive access to interviews and information from the government, so they get biased preferential treatment.

Okay I guess the point of this list is to bring attention to these issues and expand the opportunities of where to go when it comes to dark DC fanfiction. Don’t worry, here’s a cute Conan to make you smile!

How about a top 5 (or 10 if you prefer) best and worst bosses in video games? :D

I’m not very well versed in videogames, but anyway...

WORST

10) Chaos 4 (Sonic Adventure): Not a big fan of bosses who waste so much time - ooh, look at that, trying to hit me with very slow, very telegraphed attacks, and taking more and more time to becomes vulnerable the more the fight progresses. Also not a big fan of Tactical Suicide Bosses (excuse me Chaos, why is your strategy “stay in the water for increasingly amounts of time and then decide to raise my head to breathe”? In this form you’re a fish!). Even less of a fan of bosses that you have to fight three times to complete the game.

9) Sonic and Diablon (Shadow the Hedgehog): They couldn’t have come up with a more boring boss if they tried. Shoot the shield, shoot the cannon, avoid the hand, run away when you hear the word “anti-matter”, kick Sonic in the head, slowly chip at the large energy bar, rinse and repeat. The G.U.N. Fortress version is particularly painful, too, as the arena only offers those piss poor pistols with 10 bullets and minimal damage. And much like Chaos 4, you have to fight this lovely boss three times to get to the Last Story, except you don’t even get a different character with different abilities. Also, poor Sonic, from protagonist of the series reduced to nothing more than a footstep.

8) Collision Chaos boss (Sonic CD): Try to play a boss that relies on wonky pinball physics, that shoots projectiles with the only purpose of changing your already precarious trajectory, in the Bad Future that adds slightly more bumpers to destroy, with the American music (I linked the extended version to properly depict the experience). Pain is real.

7) Egg Pinball (Sonic Advance 3): Surprise! I find this boss worse than the more famous Egg Chaser. Yes, the Egg Chaser is very anxiety-inducing with its bottomless pit and the ball chain sending you into it, but once you learn the pattern of the platforms and that Amy as a partner makes it a joke it’s not that bad. This one, though? Even with Amy/Sonic, which is the only team where your partner is useless but you aren’t, this boss relies too much on luck, expecially by the end when way too many balls are flying across the screen. It’s almost funny, in a “screw you” way, that this is one of the two bosses in the game that can’t be hit by Cheese, in the stage where you finally unlock Cream. Pinball and Sonic don’t mix as well as Sonic Team thinks, apparently.

6) Boost Guardian (Metroid Prime 2, Gamecube): This boss’ strategy isn’t even that bad, it’s just that it hits you like a truck in an environment that is already sipping you of health. If being hit was less punishing, guessing the correct timing to jump over it would be fun. Too overkill for its placement in the game.

5) Mother Brain (Metroid Zero Mission): MB in the original Metroid 1 was... there, with the difficulty of the final boss coming from those stupid Rinkas pushing you into the lava below. In the remake, which otherwise is much easier than the original game, you have to think about the Rinkas, the lava, and MB who shots you fireballs! And if you fall into the lava (and you will spend half of the time in the lava)? She closes her eye and protects her only weak spot, forcing you to wait at the mercy of the Rinkas hitting you all over again. Asshole.

4) Dark Gaia (Sonic Unleashed): Dark Gaia, as a whole, is a stain on an otherwise beautiful game. Setting aside his “character” for a while: this boss is way, WAY too long (the first time I clocked at 11 minutes, like hell I’m trying again), the Gaia Colossus phase is frustrating for how slow it is and for having a nigh-unavoidable attack, the running phase requires pitch-perfect timing otherwise say bye bye to your life, and the Super Sonic phase is essentially “slipping down the shield to run over a bunch of snakes, then QTE up your ass”. Riveting. At least it has some banging music...

3) Egg Saucer (Sonic Advance 2): The bosses in SAd2 are already questionable with their “wind pushing you backwards” physics, but this one flings you enough bullshit to make you ragequit. Whoisthisgit made an excellent video explaining everything that makes this boss such a miserable experience. I am so sorry, Knuckles, that you had to be associated with this tragedy.

2) Antlion Mecha (Sonic 2, Game Gear): So let me get this straight devs, you take a boss that is already a little too had as the first boss in the game, you put it in a console with a much smaller screen, you screw up the slope physics making it just a little too easy to slide into the antlion’s jaws (and of course you don’t have any Rings), and on top of that you make the trajectory of the projectiles random when in the Master System they were consistent? Great game design there, guys :V

1) Spider Guardian (Metroid Prime 2, Gamecube): I was never as close as bestemmiare ogni santo e pure il padre eterno as I was when I was trying to beat this abomination. I love the Ing theme, but FUCK if I wasn’t hating every single sound of it while playing, OH MY GOD I envy the people who played it on the Wii so damn much

BEST

10) Robot Carnival/Storm (Sonic Heroes): Yes! Yes, I do like this boss! I’m probably the only one, I don’t care, I find these fights cathartic, especially with Team Chaotix <3

9) Jet Drill (Sonic 3 & Knuckles): The strategy may be simple, but I love the setup of Eggman destroying an ancient garden just to kill Sonic and I love how it emphasizes how much of a reliable bro Tails is. (let’s just ignore the fact that with Tails alone this boss is a pain...)

8) Doomsday Zone (Sonic 3 & Knuckles): The series had its fair share of Super Sonic bosses, but so far no one has beaten the original. It has excellent music, you can feel the tension as you smartly redirect Eggman’s missiles to him and as you chase him down through space, and Eggman in this game is really ready to do anything to win, I love it

7) Beta mk. II (Sonic Adventure): This is probably the best part of Gamma’s campaign. 90% of it is kindergarten-easy, and then Hot Shelter and the final boss are a sudden, but welcome spike in difficulty. Beta mk. II is a far cry from any other E-series robot you’ve faced, being almost completely invulnerable, hitting you with straight up nukes, and the time is still ticking in the corner. Then you add the context of having to kill your brother, and the deceptively upbeat theme, and it becomes a memorable experience.

6) Cykka (Metroid Prime 2): The first phase is fairly boring, but Adult Cykka is really fun to fight for some reason. Not only it has a cool design, but it’s a fast-paced battle (due to having to use the Grapple Beam to swing from platform to platform) where you have to go ham on the boss at certain points (when it becomes Dark Cykka), my two favorite styles for a boss.

5) Nightmare (Metroid Fusion): A name, a certainty. This boss looks, sounds and attacks in a way that makes you feel confused and powerless. Even at it becomes a game of “climb the stairs, shoot at its ungodly face, jump around to avoid it”, it’s still tense.

4) Ridley (Super Metroid): SM isn’t famous for having great bosses, but they put all of their effort into Ridley and it shows. There’s no strategy here, it’s simply “kill him before he kills you”. At this point you’re pretty much at the peak of your strength, you went through literal Hell to get The Baby back, you’re not going to be stopped by the asshole who killed your parents.

3) Shibusawa Keiji (Yakuza 0): What a beast of a final boss. The first Dragon of Dojima is the perfect foil to Kiryu, having all of his strength and style but none of his compassion, and beating him up to a bloody pulp, especially as you see him become sloppier and sloppier, is so, so cathartic. Also, Two Dragons, what more can I say?

2) Egg Dragoon (Sonic Unleashed): Best boss in the series? I don’t know but it’s surely in the top 10, and it’s ironic that you play as the hated Werehog. Not only it has some delicious music (that generations ruined), but it’s such a fun climax after the hell and a half that is Eggmanland! On one hand, Eggman sounds seriously angry and he is ready to kill Sonic (and if you take too much time, which admittedly is hard if you’re not doing it on purpose, he is positively gleeful while he sends you into a fiery death); on the other, Sonic just rips this giant robot apart like tissue paper, and even if it’s done through QTEs, it looks awesome.

1) Kuze Daisaku (Yakuza 0): I’ll let this say it all. If I had to pick a favorite version, the fifth one was my favorite to fight (by that point you have likely upgraded Kiryu’s abilities to the point of making him a juggernaut), but the second one is iconic for a reason... multiple, in fact. “DIE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!”

Special mention to Majima in Y1, YK and YK2 because he looks really fun, but I have never faced him myself so yeah.

Author Spotlight: Honeysucklepink Day 1

Author : @honeysucklepink​ 

How did you get into Glee and Glee fandom?

I was actually an American Idol fan, and I had seen the previews for the show, but I had already been burned on Eli Stone and honestly didn't want to get into a show that would get cancelled after a few episodes. Plus I was watching Lost and it conflicted (I to this day have not invested in a DVR). But the same site that was recapping Idol started recapping Glee, and more annoyingly my sister was watching it (and yet hated Idol). So anyway, fast forward to the end of Lost, and suddenly my Tuesdays were free again, so I decided to tune in to the "Home" episode. This goes to show how influential fandom can be to how a show is perceived. I loved Will, I was charmed by April, I felt bad for Kurt but rolled my eyes at his pursuit of Finn. I think the only thing that has stayed consistent was being WOWED by Mercedes. I watched the rest of the season, and then I'm pretty sure they re-ran it over the summer (I swear I'm sure they did, though even by 2010 most networks had stopped doing summer reruns).

Even through the second season, I kept up with Glee and other shows via sites like MJs Big Blog and Entertainment Weekly.  But I never was in FANDOM...not until, honestly, Blaine and Darren. I knew he was coming thanks to an EW news item. I was also watching Californication at the time, and they were using his original music to promote the show (Mia's doing, I later discovered). So my joke for a while was that I kept getting hooked on these singer-songwriters from Fox TV shows (David Cook and Kris Allen from Idol, and now Darren). But also by this time I was liking Kurt more...yes I had thought his pursuit of Finn was inappropriate, but then Laryngitis and Theatricality happened and by the time Never Been Kissed was about to air I was like 'THIS BOY NEEDS SOMETHING HAPPY IN HIS LIFE.' And then Blaine sang, and Kurt smiled, and I was a goner.

But I still wasn't there-there. Not until the following summer. The tour was happening, and of course it was happening NOWHERE NEAR ME, so I followed it on social media. I had a Tumblr, but wasn't using it that much. There was a Glee Forum that I frequented much more (don't even ask what my username was, it's long-forgotten). Also, I was in Seattle for a continuing education thing, and I spent a lot of time on my computer...doing work but also taking a lot of breaks by hanging on the forums. I got sucked in...soon I was doing more fan stuff on Tumblr, drifted from Glee Forum, and well, the rest is history.

In general, what drew you into writing (and/or creating)?

I think like a lot of people it was having stories in my head that I wanted to read and, not seeing anyone else writing them, realizing I had to write them myself. Writing fic for me usually goes much more stream-of-consciousness (thank goodness for betas). Very different from the academic writing that I have to do for my career, which involves a lot of research, structure, deadlines, etc. Being Southern and coming from a storytelling tradition helps. And a little morbid, but I think a little fatalism? Knowing we all die in the end, and the idea of leaving a little something behind, something that's not a kid, but a little part of me, that someone comes across and it means something to them. Even if my actual name isn't attached to it, it's still there.

What was it about Glee that made you decide to write fanfic for it?

It wasn't like my little reader prompts were always going to get the attention of a writer, so sometimes a scene would get stuck in my head and I'd just have to write it to get it out, or a song would get stuck in my head that I wished the show would do. Sometimes it was speculation, or wish-fulfillment...I'd read a spoiler and wonder how it COULD go, or see a song done and go "pfft, not how I would have done it, I'm rewriting this." And um, let's be real, I was at the peak of my sexual health, heck I'm pretty sure the show helped me accept that yep I'm really fucking queer, and there are just some Klaine scenes that the ol' Fox Network ain't gonna show you...

Have you been a part of other fandoms before? Have you written fanfiction pre-glee?

I posted in fan communities... I was on an E! board for The Girls Next Door for a while, I was a frequent poster on college football message boards, and of course I was on some boards for Idol (and regrettably, Vote For the Worst). But those communities didn't always stick to the fandom object...like half the time on the GND boards we didn't talk about GND at all! And re: fanfiction, I never read it until season seven of Idol... there was a David Cook saga I really got into (because there was intrigue and stalking and drama), that in retrospect was very much a self-insert Mary Sue (I know that term is fraught but in this case it was SO deserved), there were quite a few "Mavid" one-shots that were pretty juicy, and oh lord there was a D/s with Clay Aiken that, if you try not to actually picture CLAY FUCKING AIKEN, was hot. I really wasn't reading a lot of LGBTQ fic. My one hand at writing fic was as a joke...there was an off-shoot of the VFTW blog, and I wrote an RPF hetero scene of Kris Allen and his wife. To this day I cringe at that. I didn't touch writing fic again until Glee and Klaine.

Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

I haven't really done a true "enemies to lovers" fic, but I'd like to try it sometime. Or fake dating, that's one I'd need to get inspired by the right set-up.

Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

I can't do incest, not even in a "well technically they're stepbrothers so it's not REALLY..." Yes really it's still a NOPE. And while there have been slave fics I've really liked, like the "Def" verse? Um, I'm from the American South, my ancestors go far back enough, fuck no I'm not writing a slave AU.

How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

Oh lord, there's maybe two or three...there's one that has the premise written, that I don't know if or when I'll finish it, that has Kurt as a quarterback and Blaine as a center (the guy who is bent over right in front of the QB that passes him the ball), and it's solely inspired by a college football player that waxed poetic at a press conference about what kind of butt a good center should have, and I'll let you fill in the blanks.

***

Check out Honeysucklepink’s Fics

A Place That's Safe and Warm -  Writer and blogger Blaine Anderson just wanted to have a few drinks, hook up with his friend Kurt, and pretend for a little while that his adopted city of Boston hadn’t been attacked. He meant to make a quiet exit the morning after, but overbearing parents, a cranky roommate, and the justice system had other plans.

Later On, We'll Conspire -  My "naughty" fic for Klaine Advent 2015: Kurt and Blaine get snowed in, with an empty loft and an extra-special gift basket from Santana (takes place in Season Five, pre-5.14).

Somebody Loves You -  My "nice" Klaine Advent 2015 fic: missing scenes from Glee Season Six. Chapter titles are the prompts.

Survey #475

(from two days ago, oops)

What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I really like a steady rain tapping on the windows. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No, because I'm ugly. It's annoying because I've been wanting to take pics with Girt considering even as just friends literally none exist of us, but yeah. I fucking hate taking pictures of myself and it takes a billion and two tries to get a picture I deem "acceptable" anyway. Were you named after anyone? No. What was the last comic book you read? I don't and never have read comic books. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. All things considered, somehow my former best friend was the worst. She was homophobic, racist, extremely self-centered, drama-driven, excessively bossy, ungrateful... I will never be able to explain how our friendship ever worked. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn it. With certainty. We just aren't meant to live forever. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? 99% of my life has been Cringe. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Be distracted/not pay attention to the other, like by constantly using their phone. It's so rude. That would immediately make me lose interest in you. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dunno. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? I was absolutely going to college as a kid. Fast-forward to the future, I've dropped out three times and am going nowhere. Little me saw me as so, so much more successful. Do you actually iron your clothes? No. Unless it's a formal occasion. Do you rent or own your current home? We rent. Have you ever used cursive after school, aside from your signature? My handwriting is naturally mostly cursive. Do you have your groceries delivered or do you buy them yourself? We order our groceries for pick-up, so we have to go to the store, but not in. Do you have a gym membership? Sigh. I do, but Mom and I have really been neglecting going since my time with my personal trainer ran out... What’s your favorite computer game genre? Horror, of course. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you ever been severely mentally ill? I am. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? EW no, that shit grosses me out so much. If someone’s laughing, do you instantly think they’re laughing at you? Suuuure do. How would you react if your parents told you they were having another baby? Well, they're divorced, Mom cannot stand my dad, and she also had a complete hysterectomy when she had ovarian cancer, so like... Have you ever had a garage or yard sale before? How much did you make? Over the course of my life, we've had a few yard sales. I don't remember how much we made at any. Have you ever had to evacuate your home for any reason? No. Which mythological creature is your favorite? DRAGONS. I love dragons. Have you ever been to a butterfly garden before? No, but that sounds amazing. What's the biggest bird you've ever seen up close? Oh my god y'all, when I volunteered once at a wildlife rehab center, I was FEET away from some sort of falcon. Guys, you would not believe JUST how big birds of prey are. I was shocked and in total awe. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? More than once. Were you ever afraid of the dark as a child? I don't THINK I was? What is the strangest thing you’ve been asked? Something inappropriate that really pissed me off. What was your favorite game as a child? I was obsessed with the original Spryo trilogy and would play all three obsessively. What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? I don't know, dark shit. Do you crack your knuckles, neck or toes constantly? No, but ugh Girt does that with his neck and it drives me insane alsdkjfaljdlfkwe. Are you constantly catching colds or other sicknesses? No, my immune system is a legend. Are you afraid of mice? No, they're precious. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I go on vacations so irregularly that I can't really answer this. I've been on a vacation maybe twice in my entire life. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? God no. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? No. I don't like soup. Who can never fail to make you laugh? Absolutely my boyfriend. He's the funniest person I know. Have you ever been on a tour bus? No. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Earplugs. Are you listening to music right now? No; I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within. Have you ever unbuttoned your ex’s pants? Just one of them, but we were together at the time. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? Mom made pizza. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? Girt's mother has Covid. He's vaccinated, but nevertheless, he's still getting a test done just to be safe, and also because if he's contracted it, I might have it. And that means my mother could get it, which just cannot happen, even if she's vaccinated, too. The poor guy is really freaking out about it, but ASTONISHINGLY, I'm not panicking yet. Girt's health has seemed fine, I'm fine, so... We'll just have to wait to see what his test says. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? No; yes. I hate living in the suburbs, it sucks here. Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats?' No. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Do you have freckles? Do you like/dislike them? Not on my face, no. I have a few randomly on my body though. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No. Have you downloaded extra fonts for your computer? Oh, plenty. Who is the latest great YouTuber you’ve discovered? The latest, uhhhh. I'd probably say John Wolfe as a truly "great" one considering I watch him regularly now. Do you read the Bible regularly? Yeah, no. All the Bible does is piss me off, frankly. Name three patriotic songs you like. I don't know about three, but I do shockingly like this one country song with a name I can't remember. All I know is it has "red, white, and blue" in the title. ... I think. Oh! There's "Deutschland" by Rammstein, even though it's not about my own country. Has it ever snowed on your birthday? Maybe at some point as a kid? Idr. Do you like the way your name is spelled? No, actually. I wish it was "Brittney." It's more true to the pronunciation. Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest, and while I really shouldn't care, like believe what you want, it's a genuine pet peeve of mine when others base their fucking lives around what positions some goddamn stars are in in an infinite universe. They make decisions based on bullshit being spat at them that might not be suitable. I know, it's stupid to care, but I can never seem to NOT roll my eyes when I see/hear people blaming their flaws and shit on this stuff. Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? No; I have very few. What’s the band that you love even though you know they’re awful? I can't help but love some Blood on the Dance Floor songs. :x Do you coo over other people’s babies? No, not really. Like I can acknowledge a cute picture and be like "awww," but it's nothing I lose my mind over at all. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? The only high school friend of mine I'm still actively friends with/is still in my life is Girt, obviously. Like I have HS friends on Facebook that I still very much love and will react to what they post and sometimes comment, but we don't really talk-talk. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ That's not something I can afford to do. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? I do, and I love them both. Do you store a lot of pictures you’ve taken that no one else has seen? I'm a wanna-be photographer, of course I do. If you had to name your kid after an American state, which would you choose? Probably "Dakota" for either gender. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have your normal dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. Do/did you doodle on your books at school? My notebooks and binders, ohhhh yes. Actual school textbooks, absolutely not. Who’d you last see in a tux? The groom and groomsmen of the last wedding I shot. Who’s the bravest person you know? Sara. Have you ever dated someone who was real sportsy? No.

Fuck, I'm not sure I'll ever get over how much CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service, it's the under-18s mental health service in Scotland) let me down as a kid.

It's like this. You're 11 and you're traumatised but you're scared of using that word, you don't know if you're allowed it, but you are traumatised. And you're so anxious you can't breathe most of the time, you can't sit down and speak to any of your friends, you can do your school work but you keep falling apart and everything feels like it's getting worse all the time. You don't fit in, you're weird and awkward but your schoolwork is good so you aren't worrying about your grades, you're not even sure why you feel this way (it's unprocessed trauma, but again, you don't feel like you're allowed that word). You're s/hing and struggling with suicidal ideation, and you're lucky enough to still trust authority figures, so you do what everyone says you should. You trust an adult. And she calls your GP, who is another adult you choose to trust, who you bare your heart to with all of these symptoms that make your feel sick to even acknowledge, and then they make you an appointment with CAMHS. You came in asking for treatment. They referred you to CAMHS. They did not explain what CAMHS was other than what the letters stood for. That's okay - it's treatment, right? They're gonna help. You can talk this through and they'll help- just gotta be careful you don't get institutionalised. You don't want that, yet.

You talk to a CAMHS worker. She's a psychologist. She says it's very likely you have autism to your mother after your first session. Your mother broaches the topic gently. You are overjoyed: there's an answer! oh fuck, this explains so much! but it's not treatment. It's a word. The psychologist puts you on a waiting list and you have 22 sessions of CBT with her, trying to unpack your trauma and trying to build up coping skills. So many of them feel like just denying the truth, so many of them feed into your magical thinking ("the one thing you can control is your thoughts, you must always control your thoughts, good things will happen when you control your thoughts and stop thinking the bad thoughts"), but it's treatment, mostly. You stop seeing her twice- once because you are trying to develop an eating disorder and having a mental health professional who wants to hear how you're doing is totally cramping your style (I wasn't actually trying to develop an ED really, I was trying to cope in ways other than s/h, in ways that felt honest to the situation and real and gave me a sense of control that "controling my thoughts" just wasn't doing). You come back for recovery. You tell her you want an eating plan. By the time she even considers an appointment with a nutritionist, you've moved past that stage in your recovery on your own. You stop seeing her again because you get into an abusive relationship who doesn't really like you having contact with people who aren't him, and he super super doesn't like you not being able to talk to him for a whole hour every week. That part isn't their fault: no one could be gotten me out of that until I decided to; believe me, everyone around me tried, and it didn't work until I wanted I to, the third time.

But I left, again, I was without support for 6 months, and when I came back it was after my father (the earliest source of my trauma) had died. They take 4 sessions compiling evidence as to what treatment i needed going forward, without telling me that was what they were doing (I was trying to build trust with an adult again after 6 months of constant reinforcing that I couldn't trust anyone but my abuser), and then an appointment with a psychiatrist and your mother and a new psychologist. They dismiss and justify the symptoms that most worry me, they have at this point turned down my request to be institutionalised multiple times (including after an aborted suicide attempt, I presume they thought that was fine because made it clear that I did want to live), and they say at the end of the meeting that they are going to give me an official diagnosis of autism and that after that CAMHS has nothing more to offer me.

They say that if after 22 sessions with a psychologist I am still struggling so much (bear in mind that probably close to half of those sessions I was concealing factors that were actively making my mental health worse and which were traumatising me) I clearly can't gain anything more from their service, and anyway, autism isn't a mental illness and CAMHS as a service can only help while waiting for/trying to get a diagnosis, or if you have a diagnosis or a disorder for which they could provide specialist treatment. My very obvious PTSD? nah, no big-T Traumas, and c-ptsd is way too hard to diagnose. I receive a hilarious letter detailing all of the evidence (I mean genuinely insightful but also fucking hilarious and I do want to note down funniest bits and post them hear at some point, stuff like "unusual speech was noted, (exclamations of 'wacky!' while describing his symptoms)") and then they refer me to a charity which, at time of writing, I have had 1 assessment phone call with, and am waiting for a call back for my next and first proper appointment.

They did not inform me when I was first referred that CAMHS is a diagnostic and specialist treatment service and if they did (this was well over two years ago now, I don't remember word-for-word what my GP told me), they did not tell me that meant that they would kick me out to a charity once they figured they couldn't label me with anything requiring specialist treatment. During our last sessions they were unyeildingly focussed on the trauma of my father dying and of the "shock" of my diagnosis (that I had been waiting for for 2 years. yes, very shocking/s) when those were not my biggest problems. My relationship with my father is complex and I won't get into it here, but suffice it to say that his death was the last step on a very, very long journey, and honestly one of the least traumatising.

I let them keep the focus there because I desperately hate talking about the actual, recent, debilitating trauma of being in lockdown with an abusive partner for 6 months. That shit hurts, I can't even say his name, but that is the thing that I need to unpack if I'm ever going to be able to go outside in the sun again.

Repeatedly ignoring the requests I made for specific treatment until past the point where I needed it anymore, not informing me how the service I was going to be working with for 2 years even worked in something so basic as "what is this for? what will happen to me if I get a diagnosis they can't give me specialised care for?", telling an 11 year old child that suicidal ideation is "not that serious", a fundamental misunderstanding of what I needed and wanted to hear ('normal' is not a helpful word. 'normal' tells me 'suck it up, everyone experiences this and they're all fine, you're normal, just think better' why are they all so adamant that I am normal? Not even considering my mental health I am an autistic bisexual gnc trans guy, we went past whatever 'normal' means a long time ago, fucking listen to me), at every single step of the way this system has left me in the same state I was before, the only improvement being through support from my friends, fucking Childline (gd fucking bless Childline volunteers, but still, I shouldn't have been getting so little support that that felt like my only option), mental health masterposts on Tumblr, chats with my (luckily) very nice guidance counselor (they're called pastoral teachers here but I know most folks reading this are American or are most familiar with the American school system) and what amounts to gritting my teeth and getting through it.

It was worth it, of course my life was worth it, of course I say the same thing every person who's attempted suicide says, I'm more grateful than words could possibly express that I survived, that I get to go home in a few minutes and feed my kitten and write and message my friends, but for fucks sake it didn't need to be this hard. And it doesn't need to be this hard. I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still waiting on that second appointment with this charity, I'm still 3+ months behind at school, and I'm one of the lucky ones. My boyfriend has been hurt worse by CAMHS, left even more isolated than I was, even more traumatised by the way he was treated, and every single person I know who's been in this system agrees that it's deeply, deeply flawed.

I don't want people to have competitions over who's medical experiences are worse, who's country has the worst mental health system, who's been the most traumatised by their psychiatrists or lack thereof, please. Please don't make this the suffering Olympics. I'm just making this post cause I know, I know that other people have had similar experiences, whether with CAMHS or whatever their equivalent is. Mental health services need serious reform that puts patients first, listens to their needs and requests, that is well funded and well staffed by people who care about their patients wellbeing more than they care about controling other people's lives.

Austerity in the UK is a huge reason why this happened the way it did- my first psychologist left the service to go work somewhere that pays better, leaving just one newly-graduated psychologist that clearly had no idea what she was doing and didn't care to sympathise or show compassion for me.

This shit needs to change, because kids need help, and this is not good enough.