louise glück, the white series // claude monet, houses in the snow // fyodor dostoyevsky, the gentle spirit // jane o. wayne, with solitude //reddit user artsykate, winter nocturne with lonely road // joseph brodsky, to m.b. // fyodor dostoevsky, poor folk // caspar david friedrich, winter landscape // audre lorde, the cancer journals // mahmoud darwish, memory for forgetfulness

Living with avoidant behaviours means that for you to see me and be able to judge me, good or bad, inherently it means I am trying. Maybe not by yours, but by my standards I am succeeding too.

I don't think people understand how earth shatteringly terrifying it is to look for new jobs or meet new people with a panic disorder or social phobia. It puts me in a mindset where I have to actively remind myself that ending my life to escape the perceived danger is counterproductive, I am that out of my mind with panic. I know it doesn't make sense but knowing that doesn't stop the visceral fear from being so real. I wish people knew I don't want to be this way and I am actively fighting against it at all times even when it looks to others like I'm hiding away. The fact that I am still here, the fact that I answer messages sometimes and visit my family, the fact that I apply for jobs and leave the house to run errands at all is testament to how hard I'm trying.

If I stopped trying and gave in to my default state I would be shrivelled and pasty, dehydrated and sick from being too numb to feed myself, curled half-conscious and unshowered in grimy bed sheets, covered in nervous-picking sores, popping pills or drinking myself into slumber. I would not speak to a soul, not even immediate family. I wouldn't post at all. You would not know I exist.

For you to see me and be able to judge me, inherently means I am trying. Because I'm here and I'm not just awake. I'm the scariest thing I can be - perceivable.

me: i know they’re you’re friends and they’re really nice but that just makes them even scarier because i really want them to like me and would be genuinely devastated if they didn’t so it’s just easier to never engage with them and endlessly wish i was friends with them without ever risking being rejected by them even if that means i never actually get to be their friend. like sure, strangers are scary too, but they’re easier because i’m not super invested in whether they like me or not. the people i already like? those are the most terrifying people ever. you know what i mean?

my boyfriend, who doesn’t have avpd: no. no i do not know what you mean. that is literally the exact opposite of how my social anxiety works. i can’t even imagine how that would feel.

Having AvPD is like: I’m so open, everyone knows everything about me. That’s terrifying, everyone must hate how much I share. God I feel so exposed I feel sick. And the last time you opened up to someone was October of 2021 when you told your mom you were a little stressed.

gang, am i onto something?

[Note: the definitions are simplified, I wouldn't be able to fit the full criteria into each circle and that's not the full point anyway-- the point is to show key differences and similarities. I am not a professional and my observations may be incorrect.]

the way people talk about and treat avoidants and schizoids and any other outcast is disgusting. we are not bad people for not fitting in with everyone else or for being different than everyone else. we did not choose this lifestyle, it was forced on us by you, the rest of society. you forced us into a life of isolation and then blame us for being alone.

reaching peak avoidant by avoiding the account i made to vent about my avoidant personality disorder because i think other avoidant people looking in the avoidant personality disorder tag will think that i’m weird. this is great. i’m going to get a good grade in avpd, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

if i was ever vulnerable with you… no tf i wasn’t

really this is what my previous 2-panel vent comics boil down to. that and emotional manipulation trauma

avoidance is so weird because it’s so temptingly easy to pretend it’s not there when it’s not at its absolute worst.

when i’m at my lowest, my avoidance becomes volatile and dangerous — it means almost daily mental breakdowns, it means probably wanting to hurt myself or worse, it’s means things are bad bad. but times like now? where i’m in a better place and i don’t have to interact with people often enough to trigger it too badly? it’s easy to pretend i’m fine.

and that’s not because i don’t have symptoms — there’s a big glaring reason i don’t have a job yet, that i stay in the house pretty much every day and (aside from the family i live with) only ever see my safe person, that there’s a million important doctor calls i haven’t made yet, that i have my name change papers all ready to go but haven’t changed any of my documents yet. the avoidance is obviously still there and still causing problems, and i know my life doesn’t look how it should.

but because it’s not destroying my default mental state right now, it feels like i’m lying to myself and i’m totally mentally healthy and i have nothing to worry about. and when i see my therapist, the way i describe things sounds like there’s nothing going wrong in my life because there’s no active bad shit, just a lot of things that aren’t happening. and how do you quantify the absence of something?

how do i explain that the problem isn’t that i’m unhappy, it’s not that there’s bad things to fix, it’s just that most of the time, there’s nothing at all? that i’m mostly happy because i don’t have much of a life right now, and if i were to get my life to a better place from a practical standpoint i would almost definitely be thrown back into a worse mental state?

i’m trying to find a balance that allows me to have a decent life and decent mental health, but god, it’s hard to do when it would be so much easier and less exhausting to just stay stagnant forever and hold onto the relative peace that comes with that.

Remember that not everyone with AvPD is conventionally quiet.

We all avoid things differently, and some people may talk a lot in some or all situations because it makes them feel less vulnerable. That doesn’t mean they don’t have AvPD or that their AvPD is less “severe.”

AvPD isn’t social anxiety plus. Because of that, the type of interaction often plays a major role in our fear. For some, the only situations that bring them fear are ones that involve personal connection. For most, all situations are terrifying, but we’ve had to learn to hide it or overcompensate in most. If we can’t hide it, it means we are completely unable to cope.

The impact a disorder has on a person can’t be determined by its visibility.

being avoidant is constantly feeling ashamed and humiliated being avoidant is being embarrassed to exist being avoidant is not being able to hold close friends being avoidant is ghosting even the people closest to you being avoidant is not being able to take compliments because you never think you deserve them being avoidant is being uncomfortable when you're happy because you just don't know how to do it being avoidant is seeing yourself pushing people away but not being able to stop yourself

avpd culture is being ashamed of your interests for absolutely no reason, especially when there’s literally nothing wrong with them, so you just lie about liking the same things the person ur talking too does

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