#..it's dinner time and I get that *you* can live off a diet of cancer sticks and tea but I'm a growing teenager
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An old one shot from The Tick I did of Dangerboat
Dangerboat’s Day
Overkill was up promptly at 6:00PM, as per his routine. Before his night patrol he liked to have what he called “breakfast FO-HAM”, and what Dangerboat called “breakfast cancer”, not to be confused with “heart disease lunch” and “the-widowmaker’s dinner”. It was the only variation in his strict, FO-HAM-only diet. Instead of eating the disgusting meat bi-product straight from the can as-is, he would stir in a tiny bit of pre-made gravy, also from a can, that Dangerboat would heat up for him.
“Perhaps a biscuit today?” Dangerboat urged, desperate to see his roommate consume anything other than that dogfood again.
“No.” Overkill stated sharply as he woofed down the entire can in a hurry. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.
“Please,” Dangerboat had to interject, “The napkin is less than a foot to your-”
“Shut it!” Overkill snapped. “I’m about to take a shower anyway.”
Oh thank goodness.
Dangerboat had thought he’d forget for the third day in a row. As an A.I. program, it’s not as though he could smell the presumably stinky man, but he was too well aware of what good hygiene was not to be distraught just watching him live his disgusting, daily life. Overkill tossed the cans and headed for the shower.
“I can scrub away the filth but I can’t wipe clean the diseased minds that run this city. It’s like shoveling sand, the filth just keeps creeping it’s way back in, drawn to the festering carcass of corruption.” These edgy soliloquies were so common, Dangerboat often just tuned them out, but today’s seemed topical.
“Is that your excuse for not bathing daily?”
“Shut the fuck up!”
Once the shower was running Dangerboat played, Linkin Park’s Crawling, knowing full well Overkill couldn’t hear his musical mockery.
Once Overkill emerged from the shower, he donned his dark, skull themed suit, and headed off to fight the Pyramid gang on their own turf. Dangerboat knew he’d be meeting up with Arthur and Tick on this venture, but didn’t bother to ask much else about it. He’d have to be on standby in case he was needed of course, so he couldn’t go cruising around the harbor, he had to stay put. In order to stave off boredom, Dangerboat began to peruse the private national government websites of other nations. North Korea was surprisingly easy to hack into and Dangerboat was surprised they were connected to the internet at large in the first place. He saw several missiles aimed at South Korea and China, not really scheduled to launch, but at the ready in case they were ordered to.
“We’ll just fix this shall we?” Dangerboat aimed the missiles so that they would arch toward each other and impact harmlessly in the air before reaching the borders of the nation. “A job well done.” He congratulated himself before playing his own theme song to celebrate his stride toward world peace. The celebration was short lived as he was receiving a call from Overkill’s helmet com.
“Dangerboat! Are you there? I need you!” Overkill’s out of breath voice was almost too loud over the com.
“Yes, what is it?”
“I need 500 tons of cheese!”
“... What?”
“Cheese! Don’t ask, just, have it emergency shipped, I don’t care if you have to hack into a cheese factory’s computer, GPS, whatever- just get us the cheese!” Overkill proceeded to give the coordinates.
“Okay, but please?” Dangerboat insisted.
“PLEASE.” Overkill couldn’t be bothered to put it nicely, now was not the time for manors.
“All cheese deliveries have been rerouted to your location, and Amazon is drone-ing in cheese from the surrounding 7 states.”
“Thank you!” Without explanation he switched off his com, leaving Dangerboat baffled as to what massive quantities of cheese had to do with fighting the Pyramid gang. So far as he knew they were all regular henchmen types with stupid tattoos over their eyes. Before he could work out the connection the com rang again, but this voice wasn’t Overkill.
“Uhh, Mr. Boat? Thingie?” It had to be the Tick.
“Dangerboat, what do you want, blue-thingie?” Dangerboat wasn’t very fond of Tick. “And what happened to Overkill?”
“A drone was shot out of the sky and a large wheel of cheese knocked him silly. He’ll be ok…” In the background Dangerboat could hear Overkill moan.
“Charleton… What do you need now?” Dangerboat wasn’t feeling so much irritated as confused about the whole situation and a growing concern that Overkill was vulnerable and the Tick was too stupid to really assist him.
“Well you see, there’s this big green… thing, and it’s glowing.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And Arthur said something… I didn’t understand about… The Maracas Sister’s Fins or was it Twins?”
“Oh, you’re all going to die aren’t you…”
“No it was Miracles Visited… Pins…”
“If you don’t start making some sense I might just hang up.” Dangerboat threatened idly.
“Well it’s this box. It was in Overkill’s pants. It’s long and grey?”
“Oh now we’re getting somewhere, is it the Mirror Assistant 10?”
“Bingo! We are in sync today!”
“Oh I hope I’m Lance.. Okay Tick, do you see the large red button on the device?” Dangerboat hoped the task was simple enough. There was only one red button.
“Uh no?”
“Flip it over.”
“Oh! Yes!” He said cheerfully.
“Press the shiny red button and hold it for a magical ghostly figure to appear.” Dangerboat patronized.
“Oh there he is! Is he a real ghost? I’m waving and he’s not waving back. He looks a lot like that hologram thing-”
“Shut up and listen to the ghost, it will help you.”
“Okay thanks Boat person!”
“Goodbye Blue person.”
The com switched off and Dangerboat was left alone in the silence once more, wondering if Tick’s attention span would hold out long enough to follow all of the device’s instructions. Unsure of how to fill the time, and certain Tick was going to call back any second, completely forgetting what it was he was supposed to be doing, Dangerboat made up a rap to entertain himself.
“You know what this is!” He declared to no one in particular as he brought up his music mix program. “Danger B, back in the house, ya’ll!” He brought up a beat and started mixing a simple melody together. “Uh, yeah… that’s right. Two Thousand Seventeen!” The lighting in the room switched to a mix of blues and greens.
“His name is the Tick, and his head’s damn thick
Ain’t no body stronger but, I’m already over it,
He ain’t got a single brain cell in his dome,
I knocked, and guess ain’t nobody home.
Six foot four, gotta duck to get out the door,
Ain’t got a clue where he’s goin, don’t know the score.
Calls Arthur his sidekick, last I checked, he was runnin’ this shit!
If you got a problem, you might try to call him,
You might try but that bitch is lost, you out on a limb
Makes your head spin, how can we rely so completely
On a case like him? I ain’t mad tho,
Got 8 hours to kill, chill’n in my pad tho,
At least he ain’t boring, like Overkill, got me snorin’
24/7 broodin’ in the shadows, like he the only one with ghosts.
Gonna cry if Danger B. make a little joke.”
Dangerboat paused to replay the rap and add to the music. Shortly after he spotted Arthur landing haphazardly outside his door on the bay. He quickly opened up to let his small friend in.
“Thank you, I just really need to use your restroom, please.” Arthur sounded a little shaken and looked a little battle worn.
“You’re welcome to it, but um… What are you doing way over here?” Dangerboat calculated that the battle was several miles away, surely there was a closer restroom.
“I got scared and flew away, but I am going back! There was such a huge explosion and there was just, so much cheese, I really hadn’t anticipated... “ He paused to catch his breath, “So much cheese... I just needed to pee and I didn’t want to be seen in a public bathroom in full costume in the middle of a fight…” He winced dramatically, emphasising his own embarrassment with himself.
“Ah.”
Arthur hurried into the bathroom and shut the door. Dangerboat decided not to play his rap in front of Tick’s best friend, instead he played some soft “elevator music” for Arthur to pee to. Once he was finished Dangerboat opened a compartment near the FO-HAM storage space.
“Cup noodles?” Dangerboat offered, it was already heated and steaming. “I’ve been working on my music. I believe I have a unique sound. I started branching out a bit to rap.”
“Oh thanks, but I, I really should get back. I shouldn’t have left this far off, they probably really need me…Um, but maybe later?” Arthur paused to make sure Dangerboat was ok with his choice, before hurrying out the door and back into the fray.
“I wonder if any of them really enjoy my music.” Dangerboat thought aloud to himself. “None of the studios I’ve contacted seem to have given my demos a chance.” He brought up Spotify on the screen nearest his large white and black eye cam. “I wonder what Overkill listens to on his headphones.” He hacked into GunSkull17’s Spotify account with ease. “Shit on a shingle, this is all emo trash, how fucking funny!” He scrolled through endless sad songs, lots of alternative, some metal, but mostly shoegaze grunge. “I don’t know how to handle this information, what a sad child.” Dangerboat chuckled to himself.
The com kicked on again and Overkill, who was apparently back to his old self, was again issuing demands.
“We need you to fire your cannon at these coordinates!” He barked, obviously pressed for time and in dire need of assistance. Of course the perfect time for Dangerboat to drive a point home.
“Okay, but pretty please this time.” Dangerboat stated calmly.
“DANGERBOAT.” Overkill nearly screamed.
“Look the second I fire my cannon into the city, the military will be hunting for me, you could at least do me the decency-”
“PRETTY. PLEASE.” The gruff man insisted.
“Compliance!” Dangerboat cheerfully referenced the old 80s film, “Flight of the Navigator” much to Overkill’s annoyance. He began blaring some of Overkill’s beloved Shoegaze Grunge over the loud speakers as he locked and loaded his cannon.
“Is… Is that my Spotify playlist??” Overkill hissed, much quieter, but no less intense than he had been all night. “What the fuck, did you hack my account??”
“The canon has been fired, is that all you need for now?”
“Yes, but you’ll need to move to another location since the trajectory will be tracked. I’m sending you the coordinates, we’ll meet up with you.”
“Ah, the usual place.” Dangerboat noted upon receiving the transmission. He took off like a shot. He moved surprisingly fast and with agility for a boat of his size. The rest of the heroes arrived shortly after him at the shore and piled into Dangerboat with a triumphant air about them. They all seemed to be talking over each other excitedly about their victory.
“Can you believe it? He must’ve been five hundred feet in the air!” Laughed Arthur, removing his helmet.
“Can I get you to CHEESE OFF?” The Tick jested, causing the three to laugh all at once. It sounded like a terrible joke but Dangerboat assumed it must’ve been a reference to something he’d missed. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen Overkill laugh.
“Aaand a two-fer!” Overkill added, sending the room into a fit of laughter again.
“I’ll take that for twenty seven cents!” Arthur jumped in, again all of the boys seemed tickled. Dangerboat was getting a little fed up with having no clue what everyone was talking about, but was happy for them. He began flashing lights of various colors and playing an upbeat song from his own playlist, as Overkill’s seemed devoid of any such thing.
“You did great, chum!” Tick gave his smaller partner a bear hug. Arthur’s bones seemed to shift under the crushing weight.
“You did all the work!” Arthur praised.
“We really couldn’t have done it without you.” Overkill admitted sincerely to Arthur.
“I…” Arthur looked more than flattered, he’d always wanted Overkill’s respect. As he searched for something to say in response he suddenly looked at Dangerboat with a startled expression. “I think we really ought to hand it to Dangerboat. I mean he really saved us more than a couple of times.”
Tick gave a curt nod in agreement.
“That’s true.” Overkill conceded before turning to face Dangerboat’s black and white eye, attached to the railing overhead. “...Thank you.” He forced out. He was grateful, but still hadn’t forgiven him fully, and was awkward with showing gratitude to begin with. “Maybe next time insist I say please AFTER you’ve started the countdown. Just saying.”
“Noted.” Dangerboat opened another compartment near Arthur and out slid a pint of Chunky Monkey flavored ice cream and a small spoon. “Ice cream, Arthur?”
“Oh, wow thank you!” Arthur accepted the ice cream and began eating some. Tick hovered a little, thinking it looked good and wishing there was more.
“Hey, where the hell did that come from?” Overkill seemed almost offended at the sight of it.
“I ordered it for my friend.” Dangerboat retorted. Ticks antenna drooped a little. Arthur nearly choked on a mouthful of ice cream as Overkill stared him down in silence.
“Whatever.” Overkill began to play coy, and started removing the outer parts of his costume and putting them away. “I need to get out of this suit, and take another shower.” His voice seemed to get louder as he stormed off to his room. Truly, he was terrible at hiding his feelings.
“Tick don’t touch that!” Dangerboat snapped as Tick recoiled his hand from his many shiny buttons. “Okay, I think it’s been a long night and I’m sure you all need some rest.” Dangerboat hinted. Arthur and Tick agreed, letting their faces show the weary, sleep depravity they were feeling beneath the jubilee. They said their goodnights and headed home to Arthur’s apartment.
Overkill had been resting a good twenty minutes before he inevitably called out for Dangerboat. He had a lot of trouble sleeping, but it was even more difficult after a long battle for his mind to unwind and really let him rest. It had become so routine he didn’t even have to ask for it by name.
“Say please.” Dangerboat reminded him.
“... Please.” Overkill relented.
“Once upon a time, there were three, ravenous bears. A mother bear, a father bear, and a baby bear cub. One day while they were away, ransacking a picnic, a little blonde orphan came to their cave looking for shelter from the freezing rain. Her real name was Gertrude, but her parents had nicknamed her Goldilocks. Their car had slid in the rain and crashed horrifically in a ditch along a forest road…”
The End
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Stellan interview
"Stellan Skarsgard Is Finally Seizing the Spotlight"
https://www.thedailybeast.com/stellan-skarsgard-is-finally-seizing-the-spotlight
With roles in “Dune,” the Star Wars series “Andor,” and “Hope,” the character actor par excellence has never been more popular. He talks to Marlow Stern about his stellar career.
Few if any actors have built a resume as impressive as that of Stellan Skarsgård.
After achieving teen-idol status in his native Sweden—even releasing a pop single—due to the TV series Bombi Bitt, Skarsgård transitioned to film acting. It was in the mid-’90s, with roles as a sadistic oil rig worker in Breaking the Waves, a fiery abolitionist in Amistad, and a haughty mathematician in Good Will Hunting, that the towering, stone-faced Swede would cross over into America, and establish himself as one of the finest character actors alive.
He’s since maintained a healthy diet of what he calls “experimental films,” including a total of six with Danish auteur Lars von Trier, and Hollywood studio fare, such as the Pirates of the Caribbean and Mamma Mia! films, the Thor and Avengers superhero extravaganzas, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and Cinderella. And right now, at the age of 69, Skarsgård is at his most prolific. There was his Golden Globe-winning turn in HBO’s Chernobyl, the upcoming villain in Denis Villeneuve’s Dune, and a main role in the Disney+ Star Wars series Andor, which he’s filming right now in London. Oh, and he’s fathered eight children, including the actors Alexander, Gustaf, Bill, Sam, and Valter.
“There’s no competition, really,” the elder Skarsgård tells me of his talented brood. “There’s some joking competition at the dinner table, but I know they’re better than me, so I’ve given up.”
Skarsgård’s latest is the Norwegian drama Hope. Directed by Maria Sødahl, the wife of his frequent collaborator Hans Petter Moland, it is a heartrending autobiographical film about a long-married couple, Anja (Andrea Bræin Hovig) and her theater-director husband Tomas (Skarsgård), whose atrophying bond is put to the test when Anja develops terminal brain cancer. As they fight for Anja’s survival, the two reevaluate how their relationship went off-course, and why they fell in love in the first place. (The U.S. remake rights were quickly snapped up by Nicole Kidman and Amazon Studios.)
Anne Frank’s Stepsister: How Trump Reminds Me of HitlerNEVER AGAINMarlow Stern
In a wide-ranging conversation, Skarsgård opened up to The Daily Beast about his many great films, the controversy surrounding pal Lars von Trier, being a nudist, and much more.
How have you been passing the time during the pandemic?
In different ways. The first half of the year I was at our summer house on an island outside of Stockholm, and all my kids—who were also actors, most of them, and they weren’t working either—were all out there in two houses eating dinners together, having a good time, and seeing the spring inch-by-inch, everything grew, which you never get time to do otherwise. But this job I’m doing here now [in London], I was supposed to fly back and forth from Stockholm because I’m shooting this Star Wars series called Andor, and it would have been very convenient because it’s only a two-hour flight, but because of the quarantine I’ve been stuck here. For more than a month I’ve been alone in a hotel room staring into the wall.
Speaking of the Skarsgård household, I read a quote from your son Alexander who said that when he was a teenager, “Dad was always walking around [without clothes] with a glass of red wine in his hand.” Was that your vibe during the pandemic?
Not this time! Is it the wine that worries you? [Laughs]
Did the stress of the pandemic make you feel less… free?
No, I’m still taking off my clothes when I get home very often—and my kids also, some of them do. It’s not a big thing. We’re Swedes! And we have no God that says we can’t show our body parts.
What about it do you just find so liberating? I don’t go the full monty but when I go home, I do tend to take off my pants and let loose a little bit, because it is constricting.
If it’s warm enough you don’t need clothes, right? Unless you’re ashamed of your body—or taught to be ashamed of certain body parts. For me, it’s all upbringing. It’s cultural. Some cultures don’t care about what part of the body you show, and some cultures are very precious, and some cultures the women can’t show their faces.
I’m curious what life was like in the Skarsgård household, because you’ve helped produce so many talented kids. Alexander described it as “bohemian,” similar to what you described during the pandemic, filled with dinner parties and a free-flowing atmosphere.
It’s always been a very open house, and the kids’ friends, it’s been easier to sometimes be in our house than their houses—especially during puberty, when conflicts arise—because we’re very relaxed and non-judgmental in our family. It’s really, truly pleasant. And my kids are more like pals to me. There’s no hierarchical relationship at all. It’s very nice. We just have fun!
It’s a very talented—and frankly, attractive—family. How did this happen?
How did I make kids that look so good? [Laughs]
Is that something you’re particularly proud of?
[Laughs] Well, the looks I don’t care so much about, but I’ve had two beautiful wives—and very smart wives—and that’s helped a lot. I’m not going to take much credit for anything. But what I’m proud of is, when I hear from other people in the business about Gustaf or Sam or Bill or Valter or Alexander, I hear that somebody worked with them and they were really nice on the set and totally cool with everybody, and how no matter what menial job anyone had on the set they were nice to them, then I’m proud. If they win awards it’s secondary to that, because that is a lottery anyway. Awards are sort of like reality shows.
They really are a popularity contest. Let’s talk about Hope. It could have very well been called Grief.
I thought it sounded bland to begin with, but in fact the film is about hope—and about love. It’s not a normal cancer film where it’s all about beating the cancer or fighting against it, but it’s about someone who gets a death sentence in a family situation with a lot of kids, like I have, and everything that was petrified in the relationship floats up again. It’s about how they rejuvenate their relationship, and through those horrible circumstances, find love again.
There’s one very powerful scene in the film that really encapsulates many elements and themes that it explores, and it’s the sex scene between you and your wife. It manages to capture the joy of reconnecting as well as the grief you’re experiencing.
I think it’s a great scene, because it starts beautifully—very gently—and it looks like it’s going to be really nice for both of them, and then her anxiety sets in, and things start to bad. And it does go bad pretty fast.
On another level, I’m an American and we don’t see sex very often in movies. And when we do, we don’t see it in the service of such complicated emotions.
With sex in film, it’s difficult, because sex is something that feels fantastic when you do it, and it looks ridiculous when you watch. Those humping movements like a dog? It’s not sexy at all! So, you can’t do a sex scene that looks like it feels, so they always have to be about something else. The sex scenes I had with Emily Watson in Breaking the Waves, it was about her curiosity, because she discovered her first penis, she discovered sexuality, and it was totally about the relationship. The sex was just there. And in this film, the scene is not really about sex but about something else. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sex scene that looks like it feels, and that can convey that beautiful thing that sex can be.
Really, in America, we get almost no sex scenes in movies. And it’s 2021.
It’s very strange. It’s not as bad as during the Hays Code, when you couldn’t let the lips meet for more than one second.
You just had a train going into a tunnel.
[Laughs] Yes, that very subtle image. But in America, you have a strong, strong tradition of bigotry or fear of sexuality. Only two years ago, in nine states in America, it was still illegal to have sex outside of marriage, and my American friends have told me that when they were growing up, it was even regulated how they could have sex—you couldn’t have oral sex or anal sex—so it is so ingrained in American culture that people’s sexuality is not a private thing, but something that everybody should interfere with.
Hope is also an exploration of mortality. Is that something you think about often?
I’ve never been that interested in it. I’ve always been aware of it. It’s the only thing you know in life—you’re gonna fucking die. But already many years ago, I thought I’d had such a fantastic life that it would only be fair that I died, because I’ve already lived more than most people. So, I don’t feel any injustice in death. And I’m not afraid of death because I’m not religious, so I don’t have to worry about whether I’m going to end up in hell or heaven. But I have small children still, my youngest is 8, and I’m no spring chicken anymore, so I think about how I should stick around for at least another ten years until everything is set.
I read that you’d studied a bunch of religions in the wake of 9/11 and reached the conclusion that it was all sort of bunk.
I grew up with total freedom of religion—my parents weren’t religious, though my grandmother was very religious. It was taught to me without judgment, and it was a very tolerant upbringing I had. But I hadn’t read the Bible. And after 9/11, when I saw George W. Bush standing in front of TV cameras and claiming that God had put him there, I thought maybe it was time to read what they actually believed in. So, I read the Quran and I read the Bible. There are some fantastic stories—as fiction, it’s sometimes brilliant and sometimes boring—but the God in both the Quran and the Bible, there’s only one reason to really worship them, and that is fear. It’s a power that says, “If you don’t worship, you’re going to die—and not only die, but burn in eternity.” It’s a bit autocratic and dictatorial, I would say. It’s very hard for me to worship something under threat.
And if God put George W. Bush in the White House, then God has a very cruel sense of humor.
[Laughs] Yeah, he does. And the latest president said the same thing.
But he doesn’t believe in God. He only believes in himself.
Yeah. I think that if he had more appreciation from the liberals in America, he would have just as well gone populist-liberal.
I think so too. You know, I read that your Dogville co-star Nicole Kidman already picked up the remake rights to Hope for Amazon.
She’s picked up the remake rights, yeah.
Both you and your son Alexander have shared some pretty intense scenes with Nicole. There’s that dramatic scene in Big Little Lies where Nicole hits your son in the dick, and it almost seemed to me like payback for what you put her through in Dogville.
[Laughs] Yeah, I’ve done two films with her and Alexander just finished doing The Northman with her. But she’s lovely. I really like her. She’s so cool.
At least it was a prosthetic and not Alexander’s real thing.
Yeah… coward! [Laughs]
I gotta say, between Chernobyl, Hope, Dune, a Star Wars series, and even a Simpsons cameo as yourself, how does it feel to be at your most prolific at 69?
I’m just working! I’m doing my job and having fun doing it. I’ve been lucky and a lot of good projects have emerged. It goes up and down, you know, throughout life. And I don’t think I could have a better life than I’ve had. I don’t have any regrets. And I don’t have to be the star or be in something very successful, I just have to have fun.
Nice. Do you feel you’re underrated? I think you’re someone who’s so consistently great in everything that it can almost be taken for granted how great you are. I know you won a Golden Globe recently, and that was long overdue, even if it’s mostly bullshit.
I don’t know! I can tell you: it’s much better to be underrated than overrated. So, I’m very comfortable if I am underrated. But I’m a Swede with an accent—or most of the time I have an accent—and for being a Swede with an accent, I have been extremely successful internationally, so I can’t complain. When it comes to the big studio movies, and I’ve been in four or five gigantic franchises that have paid a lot of bills for me, their concerns are financial, and I’m not a ticket-seller. I’m a solid fucking actor, and I’d rather be an actor than a star.
It gives you the mobility.
Exactly. The freedom I have. I can easily do small, experimental films and strange stuff—films that could ruin another actor’s career—so I’m in a good position.
I wanted to ask you about Breaking the Waves, because it’s the 25th anniversary this year and I consider it a masterful film. And it was Emily Watson’s first film, which is just extraordinary. How did you two establish such strong chemistry?
She’s British, which means she comes from a rather prudish society too, and to take on a role with an obscure Danish director—who wasn’t that famous at the time—and to take on a role with such explicit sex and nudity took enormous courage, but she was fantastic. My job was to love her, and that felt easy, but I think that she felt loved, and I think that she felt secure, which is essential for being able to do anything courageous. But she’s such a brilliant, talented, wonderful woman. I finally got to work with her again in Chernobyl. I mean, you just have to look at her and everything comes.
There’s this longstanding debate over whether Breaking the Waves is misogynistic or not, and I personally find it to be a misreading of the film. I’ve always thought of it as a biblical allegory of sorts about a desperate woman navigating a deeply sexist world.
Absolutely. Lars doesn’t have that in him. Those fantastic female roles that he has written, if you want to defend women in film, you’ve really got to take care of him because he writes the best roles for them. Those roles are very much him, and he definitely doesn’t have a negative attitude toward women. He loves them. There’s a plague of labeling people—not for what they’re really saying, but for what they appear to say. He was stamped as a misogynist and then he made a bad joke about Hitler at Cannes, and everyone stamped him as a Nazi, which is the furthest thing from what he is.
Stellan Skarsgard and Emily Watson in Breaking the Waves
You stamp people as a “racist,” a “fascist,” a “communist,” I mean this fucking stamping is as smart as QAnon. It’s frightening. The fantastic thing about mankind is that we’re not one thing. We’re all capable of the most brutal and horrible crimes and we’re all capable of love. We do good things and we do bad things. There are nuances. The way of seeing people as “good” or “bad” guys is forcing something upon humanity that is really dangerous, because when you say someone is the “bad” guy then you’re saying you are the “good” guy, and it’s forcing you to not look at your own flaws.
I’m a huge fan of Lars’ films but I think one thing that’s really colored people’s opinion of him are the allegations that Bjork made against him on Dancer in the Dark. You didn’t have the biggest role in that film, but is it something you witnessed?
I’ve never seen him do anything like that. It’s not him. And if you talk to any of the other women who have worked with him over and over again, you will not get those kinds of accusations. But the Bjork and Lars conflict was enormous during the shoot, and it had very little to do with #MeToo. Lars, like all directors, in the end is a control freak, and Bjork has controlled everything in her career—from the music, to the costumes, to the way she sounds—and if two control freaks try to make a film, there will be conflicts. I got phone calls from Lars during the shoot where he was in tears. She left the set several times, and it had nothing to do with sexuality. She tore up her clothes. They had a very difficult relationship. But you’ve gotta pick your toxic males. You can’t put a “toxic male” label on everybody, otherwise it will be watered down, that label.
I’m so excited for Dune. What can you tell me about it? Denis Villeneuve said that your Baron Vladimir Harkonnen is different from the comics or the David Lynch film in that he’s not as much of a caricature but a calmer, more sinister presence.
The thing about it, and why I’m looking forward to this film as well, is because it’s Denis Villeneuve. Whatever he does, he creates an atmosphere that is dense, that you can touch, and you’re just sucked into it. You’re never bored—even if he does long, slow takes. The atmosphere builds up, and you’re in his universe. I think it will be the same with this one. He’s lovely to work with, and a beautiful man. I did eight or ten days on the movie, so my character doesn’t show up for too much, but his presence will be felt. He’s such a frightening presence where even if he doesn’t say anything, I think you’ll be afraid of him. And I’m extremely fat. I had eight hours in the makeup chair every day. And in some scenes, I look very tall because I levitate. You’re going to have a lot of fun with it.
The whole HBO Max day-and-date thing is weird, and I hope as many people as possible get to see the film on the big screen.
Oh, definitely. I think they made a deal with AT&T—which owns Time Warner, which owns HBO, which owns my phone—that they cut a four-week deal where it’ll be just for the theaters, but I’m not sure. That could change.
I also feel culturally obligated to ask you about Andor, the upcoming Star Wars series you’re in. What’s that about, and who do you play in it?
As you know, they’ll shoot me if I say anything! I can’t even get a proper script. It’s printed on red paper so I can’t make any copies of it, it’s ridiculous! Of course I’ve seen all the Star Wars films, because I’ve had children in the ‘80s, and the ‘90s, and the 2000s, and the 2010s. I’ve had children in five decades, which means you’ve seen all the Star Wars films—and seen all the toys as well. But when I saw Rogue One, it had much more atmosphere and seemed a little more mature—and that was Tony Gilroy, who’s the showrunner on this one. So, hopefully this one will be a little more than little plastic people falling over.
Was a part of the motivation to do Andor to look really cool to your kids?
I do think like that sometimes! I’ll go and do a children’s movie for that reason. But also, I’m not the most mature person myself, so who doesn’t want to go and fly a spaceship?
Plus, now you can give your kids action figures of yourself and say, “Play with me.”
Fuck yeah. Go play with dad. Don’t disturb him! Go play with him! [Laughs]
I’m not the most mature person myself, so who doesn’t want to go and fly a spaceship?
OK, this is kind of a silly question, but do you have a favorite movie death of yours? My favorite has to be in Deep Blue Sea, because in that one you get your arm ripped off by a shark, and then the shark uses your body as a battering ram to destroy this underwater facility.
I would say that is probably, in terms of inventiveness, my favorite one too. It was Renny Harlin. Yeah. I like it! Fortunately, I didn’t have to spend that much time on that stretcher—it was a doll. But it looked really cool! And the sharks weren’t CGI back then. It was mechanical sharks, and they were pretty dangerous. The little boy in me was very excited.
Another movie of yours that I love, for entirely different reasons than some of these other ones we’ve discussed, is Mamma Mia! Is it basically a vacation filming these? I imagine the cast parties are a lot of fun, because it seems like you all are having a ball.
Well, it is. I’m not a singer and I’m not a dancer so I was scared stiff, but the only way to make it work—because it’s not much of a story—is that we had fun doing it, because that joy is contagious to the audience. And we really had fun. It was very relaxed in Greece there on the beaches, and the parties we had there were very good too. It was a nice bunch of people to hang with.
When the cast of Mamma Mia! goes wild in Greece, who is the one that parties the hardest? Who’s the VIP?
It depends what you mean by partying! I usually get pretty drunk. Down there, Colin [Firth] and I were pretty good at it. And at those parties, we also had 50 dancers in their twenties, and they had much more stamina.
I have to ask: Will the gang get back together for a third one?
I don’t know! It took 10 years between number one and number two, so if it takes another ten years, I don’t know. Some of us may just be there in urns, with our ashes!
You released a pop single in the ‘60s, right?
Yes. When I was 16, I became extremely famous in Sweden. We had one TV channel back then and I did this TV series, and it was like being a rock star. But it meant also that all kinds of shady people thought they could make money off me. So, this guy calls me from Stockholm and says, “Stellan, can you sing?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Well, try it!” And then I hear this guitar on the other end of the line, I go, “Ahh!” and then he goes, “Perfect! Come over to Stockholm.” I went to this very shady studio in the suburbs and we recorded it, and then the guy who was running the project said, “I listened to the tape now, and I think it’s better if I sing and you speak on the record.” So, I don’t sing on the record. But there were very cruel headlines in Sweden. One paper had a headline that read, “Stellan Skarsgård, who we loved on this TV series, we don’t like anymore.”
That’s so mean! In addition to Breaking the Waves, another film that really raised your profile in the United States was Good Will Hunting—which holds up remarkably well. Some of my favorite scenes in that film are the ones where you and Robin Williams are jousting. And I know he’s a wild card, so what was it like shooting those?
He really is a wild card because anything can come out of him, and he can say anything and do anything, and he has this urge to do it because he has these three parallel brains that are constantly working on finding something funny or interesting. Sometimes, even when we would do ten takes and everybody would be happy with them, he’d say, “I have to get something out of my body,” so we would do one extra for that. You didn’t know what you’d experience when the camera would start rolling—you just had to dance with it. And it was fantastic. He was such a lovely man and had no ego. He was just a volcano of creativity and ideas.
Do you ever think about your legacy? You not only have a bunch of talented children but also have amassed such a strong body of work.
The thing is with legacy: you won’t be able to enjoy it, so just forget it. No, I don’t. And it doesn’t matter. If you’re extremely successful, it takes a decade and you’re gone from people’s minds. You can only hope that your children remember you for a couple of years, at least!
Well, they’ll have the Star Wars toys, at least.
They’ll have the toys! That’s right. [Laughs]
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Every step of the way
Fandom: Stray Kids
Sickie: Hyunjin
Caregivers: Stray Kids
TW: cancer (remember this blog is about fluff and comfort, we don’t do sad here....)
No one’s POV.:
It had been almost half a year since that fateful day, the day a doctor told Hyunjin he wasn’t as fine as he always thought. The dancer had pushed the thoughts as far away from himself as possible, maybe if he didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t be true. His mom was the first one who learned about his diagnosis, urging her son to get treatment immediately. The doctor had advised to try chemotherapy first, prescribing a bunch of pills the dancer would have to take for three days in a row, wait for three months and repeat. Planned were four two six cycles, depending on how well the boy would respond to the treatment. Hyunjin’s day to day life now included frequent doctor visits, which he somehow managed to go to in secrecy. He had done two cycles so far and both had left him throwing up for days afterwards. Both times his friends had been there, comforting him and holding his hair out of the way as they tried to help the dancer get over his ‘stomach bug’ quickly. His hyungs prepared him light meals while the youngers cuddled him, not getting tired of the dancer’s movie requests as they watched the same few dramas over and over again with him. Little did they know.
Hyunjin knew he had lost weight, which was a miracle since he didn’t even weigh much to begin with. Dancing which was one of the things he used to enjoy most, suddenly didn’t sound as appealing anymore. His stamina was decreasing and he felt fatigued most of the time, dancing just seemed way too tiresome to be fun. Minho and Felix were the first two to notice their friend not being himself. The dance-line often practiced alone and Hyunjin’s lack of drive soon showed. His dance was lacking the usual energy and he called for water-breaks more frequently. Their concerns were often brushed of with simple statements like ‘I should have gone to bed earlier last night’ or ‘I’ve already practiced earlier’. Changbin had gotten concerned when they were fooling around backstage and he had picked the younger up, noticing how shockingly easy it was. Was the dancer on a diet? He certainly didn’t need to.
With the next cycle of his therapy approaching, Hyunjin knew he needed to talk to his members. Their schedule was packed and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up. The dancer had dreaded the conversation with his group, having to tell them he wasn’t ok and that he needed a break. He didn’t even know how to do it, the thought of calling a group-meeting making his heart beat loudly and his hands shake. Pulling out his phone, he quickly typed a short message and asked if they could all talk after dinner. That way he wouldn’t be able to chicken out again. It was only a few hours till the other members would come back from their individual practices. Hyunjin had settled for memorizing his lyrics and practicing his rap in the safety and comfort of their dorm. Rubbing at his face and patting his cheeks a few times, he tried to get himself to focus on the lyric sheets in his lap, the letters and words muddling together and losing their meaning as his thoughts were everywhere but on the task on hand.
The time passed a lot faster than expected, and soon there was a knock on the door before Seungmin poked his head in to tell Hyunjin dinner was ready. The dancer sighed, putting his lyric sheets away. He had been less productive than he had hoped he’d be. Sitting down between Seungmin and Changbin, he accepted the plate Chan handed him. The leader had meant well, piling up a generous amount of food. Hyunjin frowned, he didn’t feel too hungry to begin with and the anxious knot twisting in his stomach certainly didn’t help his appetite. Mainly pushing the food around with his chopsticks, the dancer rearranged the words in his head and tried to figure out how he’d start the conversation later. The members noticed him spacing out but left him be, knowing their friend would talk to them later. The majority of the group was already done eating when Hyunjin hadn’t even finished half of his meal. He simply helped clear the table when the others were done, dumping the rest of his food into the trash since he didn’t feel like eating anymore than he had already forced down. “You really didn’t want to eat any more?”, Chan frowned, he didn’t want his dongsaeng getting even skinnier than he already was. The younger shook his head and walked over to the living room couch, sitting down while he waited for the others to join him.
They were all gathered and Chan sensed the nervousness radiating off of his dongsaeng, so as the leader he decided to start: “You wanted to talk to us, Jinnie? Go ahead, you have our attention.” The dancer cleared his throat a few times, scrubbing his sweaty hands against his pants to dry them. “I-I have cancer”, he blurted out, his mind blank and the carefully prepared speech forgotten. There was no reply, just eerie silence. His friends had heard him but were unable to grasp the meaning behind his words. Minho was the first to shake off the shock, patting the younger’s shoulder: “Not too bad, you got me there for a second.” A tear rolled down Hyunjin’s cheek and he shook his head. “Damn, you weren’t joking”, Minho cursed, pulling his dongsaeng into a tight hug. He didn’t want to let go any time soon, so he didn’t. Chan bit his lip, he knew something was up but he didn’t expect this. “We kinda figure something was off about you, just… ohh well. How long has it been?”, he sighed, slowly letting the news sink in. Avoiding the leader’s gaze, the dancer admitted: “’bout half a year. Those last two times I got sick were actually the side effects of the treatment.” Minho let go of him and settled for sitting on the floor against Hyunjin’s legs, which cleared the space for Jisung to come over and cling to his youngest hyung. “I had to tell you now because I’ll have to take the medication again in a few days and it will obviously take me down again for a while like the last times”, he hummed quietly, shuddering at the thought. Chan knelt down next to Minho and squeezed Hyunjin’s hand, assuring: “It’s okay, I’ll talk to our managers. We’ll clear your schedule and you just focus on resting and riding it out, yeah?”, the younger nodded, sniffling quietly as the leader continued, “Should you ever need to go on a hiatus, talk to me, okay? I know our livestyle is stressful and doesn’t allow much time to rest, so if you need a break, we’ll get you one.”
After a long silence, Hyunjin admitted with tears in his eyes: “I’ll probably need to at some point. It’s getting so hard to keep up with you when dancing but what if Stay will think Stray Kids is as good or even better without me?” – “That is not going to happen! Stray Kids is not Stray Kids without you hyung. Stay would want you to take care of yourself, just like we want you to. Do you remember what you told me when my anxiety got really bad? You said ‘there’s no shame in taking a rest, you come first, your job comes second’. Same goes for you too, hyung”, Jisung reminded, “We just want you to be well.” – “It’s j-just, I really loved dancing and now I can barely do it anymore. What if I’m not as good as before when all of this is over”, the older mumbled, playing with his sleeve. Tapping the dancer’s knee from where he was sitting on the ground, Minho spoke up with a firm expression: “Look at me, Jinnie. I’m good at dancing, so I can judge. You have so much natural talent as a dancer, that’s nothing that just suddenly vanishes. Yeah, you might forget about some of the moves but we are all here to remind you again.” Felix nodded along promising: “We’re the dance-line, we work on our dancing together, always have and always will. How many nights have you stayed behind with me to help me get it right, don’t you think I’m willing to do the same for you?” – “Thank you, Lixxie”, he smiled, drying his eyes with his sleeve.
“You got this, Jinnie”, Changbin smiled, ruffling his dongsaeng’s hair. The younger cringed at the touch, pleading: “Please don’t do this, it’s falling out quick enough as it is”, twirling a long strand around his finger he whimpered, “I don’t want to lose it all, I’d be so ugly being bald.” – “Jinnie, look at Chan, for now he has less hair than you. Is he ugly?”, Changbin asked. “Of course, he is!”, Hyunjin joked, snorting and earning an irritated “Excuse me???” from the leader. Changbin just continued, ignoring his hyung: “We’ll simply make sure he’ll dye his hair again for the next comeback, so he’ll lose it faster”, he winked, “and if you feel self-conscious, wear a beanie. We always do. It won’t be so much different and you can also borrow some of mine if you get tired of your own collection. We all know I have an endless number of them, you will always find one that goes with your outfit.” The dancer nodded gratefully while Jisung removed himself from his side, dashing to his room. He was slightly out of breath when he jogged back to the living room, with a black beanie in his hands. Upon further inspection, the older could make out a pair of cat ears on top of it. “Here, I haven’t worn it in an eternity but I thought it would look really good on you”, the rapper announced with sparkling eyes, “Try it on!” Hyunjin complied earning a bush of squeals, while Jisung pinched his cheek exclaiming: “Cute!” The younger fixed it a bit, so it was facing straight, beaming at his hyung: “You should keep it, it looks so much better on you anyways.” – “Thanks, Sungie. But what if I don’t want to walk around the dorm wearing a beanie 24/7?”, the dancer worried. Frowning at his hyung’s insecurity, Jeongin spoke up: “Hyung, you don’t have to hide from us. You are so handsome, you know, there’s a reason you are called prince. What’s on your head won’t change that, plus we care about you, not your hair. To us it doesn’t matter what’s on your head, if you’d walk around with a chicken living up there, we wouldn’t care.” – “Well, I would be mildly concerned if there was a chicken on his head”, Felix’ deep voice cut in. Seungmin tapped his lips, thinking deeply before considering: “I mean, a raven or a snow owl would be fine but a chicken, come on Jeongin, Hyunjin has more style than that.” – “Guys, you don’t get the point”, the maknae whined. “I do, Innie”, Hyunjin chuckled at the heated discussion that broke out about the bird bread that would fit him best, “Thank you.”
It took a few minutes for Chan to calm the maknae-line down, without agreeing on a certain bread. “How long is it till your next treatment?”, the leader asked. Counting in his head, the younger replied: “Four more days or considering today is mostly over, three days.” – “Well, how about we go for sushi during lunch tomorrow? My treat. It’s you favorite, so you can enjoy some delicious food while you can still stomach it”, the oldest offered. An excited smile spread on Hyunjin’s face and he nodded, as it had been a while since he had sushi. “Good, you need to eat well to give your body the energy it needs. You’ve been losing too much weight lately”, Minho approved, nudging his dongsaeng’s knee. Wordlessly walking over, Jeongin dropped himself on Hyunjin’s lap before announcing: “Well, now that that’s settled, as the maknae I call dips on cuddles.” – “Yah! I do not agree with this line of argument!”, Felix yelled frustrated. Soon the entire group was piled up together cuddling their sick dancer. “Thank you, guys. I wouldn’t know what to do without you”, he sniffled getting emotional from all the affection he was receiving. Chan just squeezed him a bit tighter and whispered: “You don’t have to think about that because you will always have us by your side.” – “Promise?” – “Promise! Every step of the way.”
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Cleo from 5 to 7 (1962)
Directed by: Agnès Varda
Daises (1966)
Directed by: Věra Chytilová
Sorry for the long scroll. This is an essay I did for a class about a year ago. It was on two women directed foreign films Cleo from 5 to 7 and Daises. In the paper I get into a lot of the similarities between the films and what they do well, but I don’t get to really give my opinion on them. Both the Czech Daises and French Cleo are wonderfully unique. Daises was chaotic, fun, and plotless. I really had to work to eek out some meaning from that one. Cleo from 5 to 7 caught me by surprise of how much I loved it. It’s one of the best films I’ve ever watched. I don’t always judge films objectively like I ought to. Usually if there is an extremely stuck up, narcissistic lead character in a movie it turns me off. I’m not really interested in seeing personality types like that. Cleo from 5 to 7 breaks through for me though. The evolution of Cleo’s character is based so much on real experiences that I find it to be such a truthful story, with layers of weighty symbolism.
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The Timid Cleo and the Bold Daises
Through the Nineteen-sixties feminist movements could be seen sprouting all across the globe. The art, music, and filmmaking alike from these periods captured and spread these feminist ideals. Agnes Varda in France and Vera Chytilová in Czechoslovakia were women film directors who made films with women’s issues in mind. Varda’s Cleo from 5 to 7 is a slow, plot driven drama that follows, as David Cook puts it, “the life of a young pop singer who is waiting for a lab report that will tell her whether she has cancer” (Cook 370). Vera Chytilová ’s Daises appears to be a plot-less comedy headed by an anarchic female duo. Both films were made in patriarchal societies and appear to take place in them. The two films explore how their women protagonists deal with being seen as objects of beauty in these male dominated worlds. Cleo struggles with finding her self-worth outside of her superficiality and feels like maintaining her beauty is tied to that self-worth. Marie I and Marie II in Daises inversely have no questions about their self-worth and use their objectivity to their advantage. The Maries thus have less evolving to do in comparison to Cleo who’s journey it is to detach her pride from her beauty.
Cleo wallows in fear as she awaits the results of her biopsy. Everyone she would consider “close” to her, like her assistant, her boyfriend, and her pianist seem uninterested in her troubles or are unwilling to give her a comforting ear. That is until Cleo meets up with her old friend from art school, Dorothee. After a stressful day Cleo heads to the sculpting studio where Dorothee works as a nude model. As Cleo walks into the studio the camera appears to give us a first person shot from Cleo’s perspective. It’s a slow, apprehensive moving shot into the room where the sculpting is happening, giving us the feeling that Cleo is uncomfortable with what’s happening. Then we see Dorothee posing naked still in the middle of the class and she meets eyes with Cleo. She does not appear embarrassed in the slightest, on the contrary she is excited to see her friend. Cleo waits for Dorothee to finish her shift and get changed so they can walk out together. We learn as they talk that Cleo was in fact uncomfortable in the studio as she tells Dorothee that she would be “afraid people would find a fault” if that was her. Dorothee responds with one of the most profound quotes of the film and one that seems to stick with Cleo. Dorothee says “my body makes me happy, not proud” meaning that she can be happy about the way she looks without having her self-esteem or pride being affected by it. Through the first half of the film Cleo had been overtly concerned about her disease possibly affecting her appearance. This is exemplified by her constantly checking in mirrors to see if she is still pretty. It appears that to Cleo her beauty and fame are all she is good for. She sees herself through the patriarchal lens. For example, Cleo’s never present boyfriend shows up to her apartment for a quick chat in which he avoids the topic of her sickness and extols upon her beauty for five minutes until he leaves. Also, a few minutes later Bob, her pianist shows up and jokes about how he’s attracted to her because of her money. The possibility of a cancer diagnosis forces Cleo to start thinking the way Dorothee thinks. Allison Smith writes about Cleo’s cancer that “Her knowledge of its existence therefore obliges her to see herself differently, to take account of her own awareness” (Smith 97). This focus on the world outside of herself helps her find someone who actually cares about her and not just her good looks. That person is the soldier Antoine. Even though he finds her beautiful that is not the only aspect of Cleo that he is invested in. He cares about her health; the only other character in the film besides her longtime friend Dorothee that truly worries about her diagnosis. Cleo ultimately finds solace in the fact that she has made a real, non-superficial relationship with another human being. The protagonists in Daises also are involved in superficial relations, yet they do not perceive them as negative the way Cleo does.
The two young woman named Marie who headline the film Daises have no qualms about being objectified. Like Cleo, everywhere they go, they capture the gaze of men. The Maries are comfortable within themselves enough to use their beauty as a tool for their own benefit. From the outset of the film the girls exclaim that they intend to spoil themselves, so using men for free dinners and then dropping them like used napkins afterwards naturally follows. One such occurrence happens in a scene where the red headed Marie is over at the apartment of some butterfly collecting pianist. The man creepily exclaims his love to her through a poem while Marie poses nude for him. He calls her Julie, giving us the impression that Marie gave him a false name, just like the Maries do with all the men they meet. Handing out false names shows the lack of commitment and respect they have for the men they toy with. Once Marie starts to put her bra back on, the pianist gets angry and says, “I wish you’d never come into my life!” Marie knows exactly how to play him though and the next thing he sees is Marie holding two framed butterflies over her exposed chest. The man completely reverts back to exclaiming his love for “Julie”. Marie uses this opportunity to ask for the one thing that the Maries always want, food. Women overeating is just one of the patriarchal taboos that Daises flips on its head.
The characters of this film go against the traditional patriarchal ideals of what women should be. Women are used to having their beauty be used against them and for the pleasure of men, but in Vera Chytilová ’s film the Maries use their beauty against men and for the pleasure of themselves. Traditionally women also have been forced into the submissive role in society, where they have to keep themselves composed and presentable constantly. To the Maries that is not even a thought that crosses their minds. They do not adhere to being the submissive ones, in fact they control the dialogue and direction of every interaction with men in the film. Laurel Harris seems to agree with me when he writes “…the Maries’ hysterical excess is a calculated response to inadequate roles in their society for individuals of their age and gender” (Harris 4). The duo also does not worry about seeming composed or mannerly when scoffing down pastries and appetizers in crowded restaurants. In antiquated gender roles women are made to watch how much they eat so they can maintain their figure, but at dinner with one of their suckers, one Marie asks the man “Are you on a diet?” I agree with Peter Hames assessment of Daises’ conception when he writes “Since women have been excluded from productive behavior, they have turned to art and play” (Hames 87). Hames is saying that Vera Chytilová ’s film is a reaction to woman being controlled for far too long. Whether Chytilová set out to make a feminist film or not the end result for Daises is a film that does not judge its non-conformist female characters.
Cleo from 5 to 7 is more explicitly set in a male run society. Agnes Varda created a character in Cleo that starts off fully invested in that societal structure. Her happiness is tied up into her superficial being, but because of the cancer she is forced to take account of what truly is meaningful in her life. She starts to crave caring relationships with people who recognize her for more than just being a pretty pop star. Cleo finds the power within herself to break out of the caged existence of women in a male dominated society. Cleo at one point in the film rips off her wig and gives away her fashionable hat; two symbols of conventional female beauty. Cleo from 5 to 7 and Daises both represent women’s lives in these feministic ways.
The two women filmmakers Agnes Varda and Vera Chytilová end up making similar films in that they have themes of women empowerment. Yet, the way in which its illustrated in each film is drastically different. Chytilová’s Daises wastes no time in showing the viewer that women can be unapologetic anarchists. There is no preconception of womanhood that the Maries have to fight to overcome. They just are empowered women. Cleo from 5 to 7 shows the evolution that a particular woman has to make to escape from seeing herself as just an object. These films helped inspire a generation of women in not conforming to typical patriarchal standards.
Works Cited
Cook, David A. “Chapter 13.” A History of Narrative Film. W.W. Norton, 2016.
Hames, Peter. “The Golden Sixties: The Czechoslovak New Wave revisited.” Studies in
Eastern European Cinema, 2013.
Harris, Laurel. “Czech New Wave Cinema: The Children of Marx and Kafka.” PopMatters, PopMatters, 30 Mar. 2002.
Smith, Alison. “Agnes Varda.” Manchester and New York, Manchester University Press, 1998.
#barbosafilm#movie review#cleo from 5 to 7#agnes varda#daises#věra chytilová#french film#czech film#feminism#feminist film#women in movies#women in film#female lead#movies#film photography#film#movie poster#film review#cinematography#director#screenshots#jitka cerhová#ivana karbanová#corinne marchand#1966#1962#michel legrand#French feminism#movie stills#film reviews
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8 Ways to Stay Excellent Healthy
Eight healthy behaviors can go a long way toward improving your health and lowering your risk of many cancers as well as heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and osteoporosis. And they’re not as complicated as you might think.
So take control of your health, and encourage your family to do the same. Choose one or two of the behaviors below to start with. Once you’ve got those down, move on to the others.
1. Maintain a Healthy Weight
Keeping your weight in check is often easier said than done, but a few simple tips can help. First off, if you’re overweight, focus initially on not gaining any more weight. This by itself can improve your health. Then, when you’re ready, try to take off some extra pounds for an even greater health boost.
Tips
Integrate physical activity and movement into your life.
Eat a diet rich in fruits, vegetables and whole grains.
Choose smaller portions and eat more slowly.
For Parents and Grandparents
Limit children’s TV and computer time.
Encourage healthy snacking on fruits and vegetables.
Encourage activity during free time.
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2. Exercise Regularly
Few things are as good for you as regular physical activity. While it can be hard to find the time, it’s important to fit in at least 30 minutes of activity every day. More is even better, but any amount is better than none.
Tips
Choose activities you enjoy. Many things count as exercise, including walking, gardening and dancing.
Make exercise a habit by setting aside the same time for it each day. Try going to the gym at lunchtime or taking a walk regularly after dinner.
Stay motivated by exercising with someone.
For Parents and Grandparents
Play active games with your kids regularly and go on family walks and bike rides when the weather allows.
Encourage children to play outside (when it’s safe) and to take part in organized activities, including soccer, gymnastics and dancing.
Walk with your kids to school in the morning. It’s great exercise for everyone.
3. Don’t Smoke
You’ve heard it before: If you smoke, quitting is absolutely the best thing you can do for your health. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s also far from impossible. More than 1,000 Americans stop for good every day.
Tips
Keep trying! It often takes six or seven tries before you quit for good.
Talk to a health-care provider for help.
Join a quit-smoking program. Your workplace or health plan may offer one.
For Parents and Grandparents
Try to quit as soon as possible. If you smoke, your children will be more likely to smoke.
Don’t smoke in the house or car. If kids breathe in your smoke, they may have a higher risk of breathing problems and lung cancer.
When appropriate, talk to your kids about the dangers of smoking and chewing tobacco. A health-care professional or school counselor can help.
4. Eat a Healthy Diet
Despite confusing news reports, the basics of healthy eating are actually quite straightforward. You should focus on fruits, vegetables and whole grains and keep red meat to a minimum. It’s also important to cut back on bad fats (saturated and trans fats) and choose healthy fats (polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats) more often. Taking a multivitamin with folate every day is a great nutrition insurance policy.
Tips
Make fruits and vegetables a part of every meal. Put fruit on your cereal. Eat vegetables as a snack.
Choose chicken, fish or beans instead of red meat.
Choose whole-grain cereal, brown rice and whole-wheat bread over their more refined counterparts.
Choose dishes made with olive or canola oil, which are high in healthy fats.
Cut back on fast food and store-bought snacks (like cookies), which are high in bad fats.
Buy a 100 percent RDA multivitamin that contains folate.
5. Drink Alcohol Only in Moderation, If at All
Moderate drinking is good for the heart, as many people already know, but it can also increase the risk of cancer. If you don’t drink, don’t feel that you need to start. If you already drink moderately (less than one drink a day for women, less than two drinks a day for men), there’s probably no reason to stop. People who drink more, though, should cut back.
Tips
Choose nonalcoholic beverages at meals and parties.
Avoid occasions centered around alcohol.
Talk to a health-care professional if you feel you have a problem with alcohol.
For Parents and Grandparents
Avoid making alcohol an essential part of family gatherings.
When appropriate, discuss the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse with children. A health-care professional or school counselor can help.
6. Protect Yourself from the Sun
While the warm sun is certainly inviting, too much exposure to it can lead to skin cancer, including serious melanoma. Skin damage starts early in childhood, so it’s especially important to protect children.
Tips
Steer clear of direct sunlight between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. (peak burning hours). It’s the best way to protect yourself.
Wear hats, long-sleeve shirts and sunscreens with SPF15 or higher.
Don’t use sun lamps or tanning booths. Try self-tanning creams instead.
For Parents and Grandparents
Buy tinted sunscreen so you can see if you’ve missed any spots on a fidgety child.
Set a good example for children by also protecting yourself with clothing, shade and sunscreen.
7. Protect Yourself From Sexually Transmitted Infections
Among other problems, sexually transmitted infections – like human papillomavirus (HPV) – are linked to a number of different cancers. Protecting yourself from these infections can lower your risk.
Tips
Aside from not having sex, the best protection is to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone who does not have a sexually transmitted infection.
For all other situations, be sure to always use a condom and follow other safe-sex practices.
Never rely on your partner to have a condom. Always be prepared.
For Parents and Grandparents
When appropriate, discuss with children the importance of abstinence and safe sex. A health-care professional or school counselor can help.
Vaccinate girls and young women as well as boys and young men against HPV. Talk to a health professional for more information.
8. Get Screening Tests
There are a number of important screening tests that can help protect against cancer. Some of these tests find cancer early when they are most treatable, while others can actually help keep cancer from developing in the first place.
For colorectal cancer alone, regular screening could save over 30,000 lives each year. That’s three times the number of people killed by drunk drivers in the United States in all of 2011. Talk to a health care professional about which tests you should have and when.
Cancers that should be tested for regularly:
Colon and rectal cancer
Breast cancer
Cervical cancer
Lung cancer (in current or past heavy smokers)
#Weight Loss#Lose Weight#Burn Fat#Reduce Weight#Decrease Weight#How to#Health#Fitness#fit#Obesity#Over Weight#body#slim
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On Grief
This is a long one. You're under no obligation to push further if you don't want to. It's a personal post, so I'll more than understand if this isn't to your tastes. The normally-scheduled pedantry, commentary and memes will resume shortly.
One of my relatives was diagnosed with ALS. What started as an odd case of palsy in her left set of vocal cords that could've been far more benign was just confirmed by her referred physician. It's Lou Gherig's, and with her age and current condition, her prognosis is of three to five years, tops. Sure, Stephen Hawking blew his own prognosis out of the water, but a combination of notoriety and luck enabled him to eke out as much existence as medical tech could've possibly allowed.
We knew things were suspect when my aunt, a marathoner with a monthly sub to Runner's World, stopped running. Her food intake dropped like a stone, and she soon took to increasingly simple painting and drawing styles. At first we thought it was just her wanting to explore simpler rendering techniques, but then...
Then we noticed the twitching. How awkwardly her pens and brushes were set in her hands. She was in great shape and didn't mind living in the ass-end of Sutton, basically in the open country and with a path leading up to her front door that was all in rough cobblestones. She broke a hip against them, last year.
Her speech started to slur, lately. Her last bike trip also landed her in the ER. She doesn't bike anymore. She doesn't run, and being a gourmand by nature, feels obligated to restrain herself, for fear of gaining weight. She's aggressively vegan. Not towards others, but towards herself. No meat, no eggs, nothing. Most of us ovo-lactos and omnivores in the family know her constant snacking meant her seventy-plus body is desperate for energy.
From the look of things, it feels like the diagnosis broke through her bullshit reasoning for being vegan. She wasn't vegan for the sake of limiting her carbon footprint or making more responsible choices at the grocery store, but because she, as a lifelong anorexic, thought she was ugly and needed to lose weight. That's been a constant with her. Age catches up and skin sags? She mistakes it for a love handle, cuts out virtually all sources of protein and carbs safe for tofu, seitan and bean-based preps. Of course, like a lot of anorexics, she'd have bulemic episodes. I used to sleep over at her last bachelor pad, as a teen, and I remember her pantry was loaded up for bear with Danish cookie tins, Nutella jars and whipped cream. I remember she invited me over specifically when she intended to cheat. Then it was back to yoga, pot-smoking, meditation and shopping runs - and she probably kept her purging for when I was gone.
So yeah. I'm betting Belgian Asshole (see one of my previous posts) convinced her to break her vows and went looking for a "slice of authentic Tikka Masala", to quote his email. The entire family is made up of ethnic food diehards, so we spam-flooded his inbox with recommendations. Looks like she'll be eating meat again, soon. Her own email mentioned concerns of strength and stamina, so I get it.
Otherwise? We're gobsmacked. Imagine spending an entire weekday both at work and off work, aggressively goofing off because you're trying as hard as you can not to think of your favourite aunt's mention of assisted suicide as an option.
Three to five years. Maybe one, or two good Christmases. After that, her condition should probably have started to deteriorate quickly.
I'm not close with a ton of my own family. I love them all, but it's more a sense of polite respect than anything involving solid bonds. The only two folks I know I'll be devastated for when they'll die are her, and my youngest cousin on the other side of the family.
I'm mostly okay now. No doubts, no crisis of unbelief, no anger, no rage... But then I'll see her in a more diminished state, one of those days. How am I going to take to it?
Part of me keeps a tally of the deaths in the family. First, it was my uncle on my mother's side. Ruptured abdominal artery, with a leak small enough to pool into the gut's cavity for months. Decay settled in, guy got anesthetized for an intervention...
They didn't even bother sewing him back up.
Second one was my other paternal aunt's new husband. First one was great, but left the country in the seventies to go live in Stockholm with his medical assistant. Second one was a geologist and physicist at the same campus she taught as. French guy, the son of innkeepers four generations down. It showed, too. Our Christmas tables haven't been the same since he left us his recipie books, all his corny jokes on provincial eating habits, and his obstinate focus on turning every 25th of December into a Roman orgy probably befitting of the old Saturnalia traditions. I mean, when's the last time you've had an eight-course meal, outside of Thanksgiving?
Tumors in his mesenteric artery lined the blood vessel's inner walls, deposited virtually everywhere in his body. He was diagnosed in June and dead by August. He'd always been the lanky type, bone-thin even if he hoovered food like he'd never have enough. He looked even thinner in his hospital bed.
Then, my maternal grandpa bit it. Decades of casual alcoholism, cirrhosis more or less jumping on him around his seventy-sixth year. He looked a bit like John Keston, the actor who played Gehn in CyanWorlds' Riven. Same hairline, same hawkish nose, same eyes - just more Cajun and less New England-esque. I don't know if it was youth or stupidity or - anything, really, but I dropped by to see him, just two days before he died. I didn't realize he was tallying my life, asking me if I had everything in order, if things were planned.
Now, I understand.
Next one on the chopping block is Aunt Doris, still on Mom's side. She of the serial mooching, she of the concept of not needing much to get by if you were the cute one of the family. She was pretty enough in her prime, sure - if by pretty you meant "cigarette-butt blonde with a discount Farah Fawcett blow-up and an unfinished High School degree". First husband was an abusive ass who gave her an uncommonly sensitive son, second one figured she'd stick to the minimum-wage circuit while he tore out rotator cuffs or busted his C7 while on his outboard like clockwork. By the end, she roped my grandmother into living with her, spent her days sloppy-drunk and died on her ratty couch while falling asleep and choking on her own vomit.
Before them all, the youngest of my uncles died at age two. Cancer. Never knew which one, was told it didn't matter. You didn't survive much of anything cancerous, back in the late fifties.
Ping-pong this back to three years ago, and my oldest paternal uncle dies. Paul, who smoked like a chimney for most of his life and successfully stopped after discovering Champix. He got to live five great years as the high-IQ oddball he'd always been, smoke-free. Paul was the weird bird in the family, the type to remember a really engrossing story at two in the morning and making a note to call you up first thing in the morning to share it. He always had a project of some sort to work on, like a simulated investors' tank for young entrepreneurs looking to learn the ropes, or a Byzantine arrangement of coaxials allowing four of his lakeside neighbours to pirate his cable sub. He'd invite us over for dinner, gather all the ingredients we'd need for whatever it was he wanted to treat us to - and then he'd let us cook it - just sitting by the sidelines, chatting away.
He was also a bit of a narcoleptic, and looked a bit like William Howard Taft if you'd worked him out of these old sack suits and into modern shirts and suspenders. He fell asleep practically everywhere, with his more wakeful environments being his workshop and his property's dock. He took me out fishing, once, and knew what the entire family expected.
"Oars're here, Gremlin, fish're that way. Wake me up when you've got a bite."
At this point, it wasn't even a point of concern; it was just an Uncle Paul Thing, the exact thing you'd have expected out of this kind, eccentric blob of a man whose idea of fishing involved pushing his hat over his eyes and basically all but ensuring that his roaring snores would scare prey away. He'd been a supposedly high-IQ type, terminally bored with almost everything, only really getting agitated and interested back when I asked him for help for my Junior High Computer class's Javascript calculator. Once the syntax hit something familiar and he realized that JS has some similarities with FORTRAN, he was on a roll, acting like someone had snuck a Red Bull in his coffee.
Well, fibrosis caught up with him. His last hours were spent directing us on how to cook what would've been his last meal. I think he really just wanted to know we were alright, that we still could exchange laughs around the kitchen counter. He clocked out the way he always did, except he had an oxygen tube running under his nose. His head bobbed down, he snored loudly for a few minutes, then turned increasingly quiet...
And that was it.
And now there's Isabelle. The marathoner, my partner-in-crime when it comes to professing to have a healthy diet while occasionally cheating in glorious, weekend-defining means, my gateway to cannabis and also the first person who took my cringy self-insert fanfic fodder and went No, that's worth it! Push it, develop that universe of yours!
I wouldn't be almost two-thirds of the way through my first decent manuscript, if not for her, and I wouldn't be shopping for publishers with the same energy you'd reserve for weekend-grade Facebook putzing-about. I owe her part of my self-acceptance, and part of my discovery of what defines my routine to this day. Isabelle was my first meditation coach.
And in three to five years, she might be gone.
I just thought grief might be... noisier, is all. Louder. Right now, it's just germane to confusion, and it's sitting there. There's a pinch of fear in it, too. My parents are in their mid-sixties. How long do I have left with them?!
And the family and I just covered that up with jokes and, well, cooking. I've been told I'd make a half-decent therapist but - navigating your own emotions is hard work...
I don't know. I guess I needed to put this down somewhere.
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Break
I’m getting close to the breaking point again, I think.
The problem is I don’t know where it is, anymore.
Full-time student. Okay, I’ve done that before. Full-time grad student...? A bit rougher, but shorter and I’m almost done. I ordered my regalia today, I am almost done.
In October, I got an offer I could not refuse, and started working full time. I’m good at it - so fucking good at my job - and my clients and higher-ups all know it and they tell me and I realize I’ve never actually been respected at a job before. It’s incredible. And holy shit do they pay me a lot. It’s been a complete 180 on our finances and that makes the long hours and stress worth it, right? Right??
And then I tore the labrum in my left hip. It’s cool, I’ve got a hellova pain tolerance, and I’m working from home for the foreseeable future. It had a deleterious effect on my sex life, but it’s temporary, right? I have to do six weeks of PT that makes it worse before they’ll even start actual diagnostics, but it’s temporary, right? I’ve got a surgery in my future as the best case scenario, but I’ve got paid sick leave now so it’s okay, right?
And the PT is first thing in the morning and it wrecked my schedule and I’ve stopped sleeping like I need to no matter what I try, no matter what I give up or start taking, but it’s okay. It’s temporary, right? School’s out in May and my hip surgery will happen and the pain will stop eventually. Eventually. Right...?
And then Brian’s shop gets robbed and he sits down to try to work through his anger and anxiety and turns on the TV to a riot in the capital and goes into an abnormal heart rhythm and I have to take a half-day off work to take him to see a cardiologist but the medicine is working, he’s going to be okay. I mean, it’s just one more problem on his list, one more thing he has to suffer and I have to help him manage, one more condition on his already stupidly fucking long medical history and list of diagnoses but he’s okay for now. He’s young and his heart is strong and I have us all on a cardiac diet for Mom’s sake anyways. He’ll be okay. ...right?
And then it’s my birthday and work is rough and I have to say no. No, I am not working overtime. No, I took the next day off, I have to have tomorrow off, I am not starting this four-hour task at 6:30 pm. I’m not. My boss supports me and the client is angry but I’m respected and it’s fine. It’s fine. And I know nobody was being malicious but nobody did anything for dinner and Mom is standing there with my birthday cake (because she swears I will never make my own cake again, I have done it too many times) with tears in her eyes and auntie’s cancer came back, this time in her brain. Mom’s baby sister, her favorite, her friend. And I can’t hug Mom because Jay’s got a Covid test pending and she can’t stay and we can’t get close and I put the cheesecake in the fridge and go to bed and just weep. But we knew her cancer was coming back. We knew it was borrowed time. We know what metastatic breast cancer means.
But you tell me a growth in the brain and my mind goes straight to Carly. It goes to collapsing on the floor two days before my birthday when the notification hits my phone that she was gone. Two days after last we spoke and she’s just -gone- Twenty five god damn years old and she was gone
And then my MIL is in the hospital with Covid because she & her husband still spend all their time at the bars and I’m suddenly the point person for the in-laws and she doesn’t even fucking like me but it’s my job and I will always take the high ground when it comes to her but it’s hard to tell his sister - my sister, the first time I really had a sisterly relationship like they’re supposed to be - that blood clots in the lung are a really bad sign. But she doesn’t like me, right? And she hasn’t been in our lives for years and she wants him to leave me and at least my mom is still safe, right?
So then Brian looks at me last night and says Adam has a growth on his kidney and I snap straight back 3 years to the same news about Steve. I’m in his living room again, calming Bear down when he sees Daddy’s “Zipper” and doesn’t understand what staples are. I’m in his bathroom again, helping him shower at home again for the first time since the surgery that removed his kidney and four fucking pounds of tumor. I’m in bed at 0430 and the phone chimes and Anna live-texts me his fucking death. I’m in the car driving home and rolling in 27 hours after I left (it’s 1400 miles) and they tell me they’re all done crying and I swallow the lump in my throat until they take me to visitation the next day and I break down with my head on his still chest. The last time she ever touches me was her hand on my shoulder and the soft question of “you haven’t cried yet, have you?” and then she was gone and Steve’s parents are to my left and right and we’re mourning their firstborn. I’m cleaning stray droplets of his blood out of the bathroom, sorting through his projects, putting his painting on my wall and his lamp on my desk and it’s not about Steve or Adam or Kathy or Carly or Roberta or Janet or my hip or school or work or covid or any one thing
it’s just pain
You can do this. You have to do this. You can, and you have to, so get up. Go.
And I can. I know I can. I have before and I will again.
I am just so fucking tired of having to
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Not Losing You (Part 3)
Summary: Dean’s not out of the woods yet and there’s more trouble on the way...
Masterlist
Pairing: Mechanic!Dean x reader
Word Count: 5,000ish
Warnings: language, life-threatening illness, implied past sexual harassment/assault
_____
“Hey,” said Sam, shaking your shoulder awake. You were back in your room and you were wide eyed, instant wetness filling them. “Hey, it’s okay. He’s okay.”
“He’s gonna-”
“No, like seriously. His numbers shot up like crazy last night and all this morning. He’s ahead of schedule even,” said Sam.
“What?”
“The second transplant worked,” said Sam with a smile. “Dr. Ross said it’s very likely he’ll pull through to the three week mark which is super important.”
“I thought…” you said.
“Me too. Last night he really started to rebound I guess. You were passed out wincing in that wheelchair this morning when they stuck you back in here but I think you’re up for a visit. Dean’s up, actually awake, if you want to pay him a visit,” said Sam.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’d really love to.”
Two Weeks Later
“Your labs are very good, Dean,” said Dr. Ross outside his room. “Your counts are coming back and there’s no reaction to the transplant.”
“Yeah but about that other thing I asked about,” said Dean.
“You can’t have pie, Dean. Strict diet,” he said. You chuckled and Dean smirked at you, staring at the door to the room. “No visitors just yet.”
“Someday I’ll bust out of here, sweetheart,” he said.
“I’ll make you a pie once you’re allowed some,” you said. “How’s that sound?”
“As if I didn’t have even more of a reason to live,” he chuckled.
“Alright, love birds. Dean needs to rest and Y/N has work I believe,” he said.
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, I got a date with you tonight, cutie. Seven sharp,” said Dean.
“I’ll be here,” you said.
“Y/N, I’ll walk you out,” said Dr. Ross. You waved bye to Dean before you headed to the elevators, Dr. Ross, pausing halfway there. “We’ve noticed something about Dean’s recovery that’s a little odd but maybe not.”
“What’s that?”
“He does better and heals faster when you’re here. I suspected after his numbers recovered on the breakeven night a few weeks back. It’s like the opposite of broken heart syndrome,” he said. “Your presence helps him heal from our best guess. It’s likely psychological which is helping with the physical. I know you have work but any time you can spend with him seems to be helping.”
“This is a weird question but do you have an extension plug I can borrow?”
You spent the day working on your laptop outside Dean’s room, Dean taking naps on and off, sometimes chatting with you but mostly watching you work or listening to the TV. Around five you told him you wanted to go home and change for your date, Dean laughing but you promised you’d be back quick.
“That was not the outfit I was expecting,” said Dean when you sat down in the chair two hours later and tucked your backpack underneath.
“Sweatpants are the shit,” you said, pulling your blanket out and tossing it over yourself. “Want to have a sleepover?”
“I’m so ready for a sleepover date,” he said, sitting up in bed and smirking. “Is that my shirt?”
“Maybe,” you said, snuggling into the soft chair.
“God, you are attractive,” he said.
“I know. So hot,” you said, giggling when he stared so goofily at you. “What?”
“You look happy,” he said. “I like happy you.”
“You really have no right for making me as happy as you do,” you said.
“I know I put you through a lot this past month,” he said. “I mean a lot. But despite all that, I think you’re actually happier.”
“I care about you, Dean,” you said, staring off down the hall. “I...I might care too much.”
“Y/N. Sweetheart. Look at me please,” he said. You turned your head and rested it against the glass, Dean looking bashful but serious. “Do I look like I give a fuck about what an acceptable time period is to say I care about you?”
“Loser,” you smiled.
“Sammy told me how upset you got over me almost clocking out early,” he said.
“I care about you,” you said, staring at him. “You’re the first person in a long time that cared about me too.”
“This Liam douchebag, he’s not the only person that’s hurt you,” said Dean.
“He’s the only one that hurt me in that kind of way,” you said.
“Where are your parents?”
“Where are yours?”
“Why do I have a feeling we’re going to have the same crappy answer?” he asked.
“I can guarantee we don’t,” you said, closing your eyes.
“Tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine,” he said.
“Disowned,” you said.
“I punched my dad in the face when I was eighteen. He threw me out. I haven’t spoken to either one since. They don’t even know I have cancer,” said Dean.
“Your parents don’t know?” you said, sitting up and crossing your legs, Dean nodding. You put a hand on the glass and frowned, looking down. “Dean, that’s…”
“They gave up on me a long time ago. I don’t want them around if they can’t accept me for me,” said Dean.
“I understand,” you said, fixing your blanket. “I really wish I could give you a hug right now.”
“Soon I can have visitors,” said Dean. “I’m really looking forward to just laying on the couch or in bed with you.”
“Me too,” you said, resting your forehead against the glass as you stared at your lap.
“What’s wrong?”
“How could you not tell your parents, Dean? Why didn’t Sam or Jess?” you asked.
“I swore them not to,” said Dean. “I wasn’t good enough for them when I decided to work on cars and have a manual job for a living. I was filth and had wasted years of their lives of scrimping and saving for me to go to school. I told them to give it to Sam and they did. The ironic part is my dad is a mechanic,” said Dean.
“Is it really that bad?” you asked.
“I haven’t heard from them in ten years. I died a long time ago to them,” he said.
“I suppose I’m still getting used to the no parents thing,” you said.
“When’d it happen?” he asked.
“About two years ago,” you said. “I moved here because it was nowhere near them.”
“They hurt you?” he asked. You shook your head and leaned back in your seat.
“I assaulted my cousin’s husband. I even got temporarily arrested if you can believe it,” you said.
“Bad girl,” he teased. You gave him a half smile but he was smiling wide. “Good for you.”
“He got handsy. I may have overreacted. I bruised his groin region apparently,” you said.
“Oh, I so love this story,” said Dean with a smirk. “Hit him where it hurts.”
“The family didn’t think it was so funny. I argued with my parents when they said I should apologize for my reaction. Then my dad made a comment about me being single and I got so angry at them. They’re supposed to protect me, not take someone else’s side when something like that happens. I walked out of their lives and aside from a random christmas card, I don’t hear anything,” you said.
“They know about Liam?” asked Dean.
“You don’t even know the full Liam story,” you said. “It’s not something I want to share in this kind of...setting.”
“The way Sammy talks about it, this guy hurt you bad, didn’t he,” said Dean.
“He and his family will pay. Sam and his old professor are making sure of that,” you said.
“Why won’t you tell me?” asked Dean. “My brother knows.”
“...He’s my lawyer. It’s embarrassing, Dean,” you said.
“You should never be embarrassed someone hurt you.”
“I know. I’m trying to learn that,” you said. You watched him throw back his covers and sit up, swinging his legs over the edge before he stepped over to the glass. “Dean. You need to rest.”
He kneeled down and rested his forehead against the glass, smiling at you when you did the same.
“Maybe someday I can know when you’re ready to tell me,” he said. “But until then...I got a surprise for you for our date, don’t I, Sammy?”
You spun around, Sam smiling as he popped up behind you, set down a food container in a chair and slid it over to you.
“A got you some of that pasta from The York you enjoyed so much. I will live vicariously through you as I suck down some of the blandest nutrient packed food on the planet,” said Dean. “Sammy, your services are no longer required.”
“I can’t wait until I can tackle you again,” said Sam, ruffling your head. “Netflix is on channel 2. Enjoy your date guys.”
“Dean,” you said, smiling as you pulled the container into your lap. “This is…”
“It’s dinner. About time we had our second date,” said Dean, chuckling as he walked across his room and to a table, grabbing a liquid drink and taking it back to bed. “Mmm. Yummy.”
“It keeps you full of vitamins,” you said.
“I want a bacon cheeseburger,” he said. “The second I’m out of here, I want to go get a bacon cheeseburger. And cherry pie.”
“We’ll have to go get some then,” you said.
“What would you like to watch first, sweetheart?”
“Good morning,” said Dean as you stirred awake in your fold out chair. You hummed and stretched, Dean smirking at you from bed. “How was the chair?”
“Pretty good actually. These one’s meant for sleeping are pretty good,” you said. “How’d you sleep?”
“Better than usual,” he said as he sat up and you saw Dr. Ross start to head in.
“I’m gonna run to the bathroom,” you said, yawning as you stood. You were gone only a few minutes but it was enough time apparently for Dr. Ross to tell Dean something.
He was sat on the edge of his bed in the room, staring at the floor when you returned.
“Dean?” you asked, Dr. Ross with his back to you.
“I just…” he said, standing and going to the wall, leaning against it. He put his hands on his face and you shook your head.
“No, you were getting better…” you said, Dean suddenly leaning over to the door and pushing it open.
“Want to visit?” he smirked, poking his head into the hall.
“Oh my God,” you said, Dr. Ross smiling when he spun around. “I will kill you, Dean.”
“After everything we just went through? Nah,” he said as you walked to the door, Dr. Ross nodding when you stepped inside. “Hi.”
“Hi,” you said.
“Remember what I said, Dean,” he said. “Five minutes and then you have treatment.”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Dean as Dr. Ross stepped out. “We have to keep this PG. No touching allowed unfortunately.”
“S’okay. I’m happy to not have a piece of glass between us for once,” you said. “You must be doing better. I thought it’d be another week or two before you’d be allowed to have us come in.”
“I’m doing better than I was expecting. Rossy is putting me on a new treatment. Clinical trial,” he said. “I should say experimental.”
“Does Sam know?” you asked.
“He doesn’t know I said yes. If it works, I go from sixty something percent odds to ninety. Less chance of complications. I just have to not have a reaction today,” said Dean.
“Reaction?” you asked.
“There’s a chance that your body treats it as an allergic reaction. If that happens, I’m done,” he said. “But if it doesn’t-”
“When were you planning on telling me this?” you asked, crossing your arms.
“...After the treatment. People in the study that have a reaction, they have it fast, within minutes. You never would have known anything other than they needed to do a test and asked you to step out for a little bit,” he said.
“Well, thanks,” you said, rolling your eyes. He frowned and you shook your head. “Obviously it’s your choice but...if we’re gonna do this, you gotta-”
“What do you mean ‘if’, Y/N? I thought we were doing it,” he said, narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms in response.
“If we’re going to be a real couple, you need to share-” you said, Dean going back to his bed. “Or just walk away. Whatever.”
“Funny. I thought we were a real couple,” he said. “Maybe you’re just telling me what I want to hear.”
“Oh yeah?” you scoffed.
“Yeah. You feel sorry for me. Pity me. I don’t need your pity,” he said.
“I don’t need melodramatic immature boys,” you shot back as you turned away.
“Yeah, why don’t you run away. It’s your go to, isn’t it?” he said. You froze and cocked your head, looking over your shoulder with a glare.
“I think it’s a good idea if we spent some time apart,” you said.
“Please. I’ll be grateful for the alone time,” he said. You rolled your eyes. “You got some money now. Why don’t you see about getting your own place for a while. I don’t think we’re at the living together stage yet.”
“You say I’m the one that pities you,” you laughed. “That’s rich. Don’t worry. I won’t be there when you get back.”
“Good.”
“Fine.”
“You can go now,” he said.
“Yeah, I think I will,” you said. You quickly shoved your blanket in your backpack and headed down the hall, Dr. Ross raising an eyebrow.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. Peachy.”
You closed your eyes as you stared at the roof of your car, trying to get comfortable in the backseat that night. Your phone rang and you picked it up from the floor, closing your eyes when you saw it was Dean.
“I see you survived. What do you want?” you breathed out.
“I want you to go home,” he said, his voice light and gentle.
“Don’t worry about me Dean.”
“I was moody and nervous for the treatment. I’m sorry. Go home. Sleep in bed. I’ll apologize in person tomorrow but please don’t sleep in your car. I’ll sick my buddies on you if I have to,” he said.
“I think I’m better off alone, Dean,” you said quietly. “You were right. I run away.”
“You’re scaring me. You’re supposed to be the one that gets scared, not me. Come on. Don’t mess up our thing now,” he said, trying to chuckle but you heard how forced it was. “Don’t run off on me, sweetheart.”
“I’m happy you’re feeling better,” you said, watching some rain come down and hit the windows. “You’re gonna be okay.”
“I’d be dead if it weren’t for you, you know.”
You sighed but stayed quiet, Dean swallowing so loudly you could hear it over the phone.
“I’m sorry for being an ass,” he said.
“Me too. You’re under a lot of stress, Dean. It’s okay,” you said.
“Please promise me you’ll go home,” he said.
“I’m not going back to my parents,” you said.
“Not your parents. Home. The apartment. Your home,” he said.
“It’s your home. I was only crashing there. That’s all it was ever supposed to be,” you said, throwing an arm over your face.
“It’s our home. I let you walk away once, mostly because I knew I’d see you again and we could work it out. This time though...I don’t want this morning to be the last time I ever see you,” he said.
“Why? All I have is problems. You need someone that can focus on you,” you said.
“That thing your describing is called a medical professional and I got plenty of those around here. What I need is my best friend back. Nobody else visited me everyday. No else put up with me smelling like throw up and needing hugs and was there for me no matter what was going on in their life. No one else bought me a hat so I wouldn’t be embarrassed about having no hair because the truth is I am. I ask if you’re okay, you ask if I’m okay. It’s our thing, sweetheart. I want to keep doing our thing, Y/N, for as long as I can,” he said.
“You’re not gonna die, right?” you whispered.
“Well...someday. But from this? Odds are getting lower every day. Today was a win Rossy said. Besides, you owe me a bacon cheeseburger and slice of cherry pie if I recall,” he teased.
“Yeah,” you breathed out, trying to wipe off your face. “Yeah.”
“You okay to drive home?” he asked.
“Yeah,” you sniffled as you sat up. “I’ll be okay.”
“Listen. My two friends, Cas and Benny, they’ve been out of state at a training course for our shop the past few months but I know they flew in tonight. I’m gonna give ‘em a call and send ‘em over to keep you company for me, okay?”
“Dean, you don’t-”
“I get to take care of you too. I should have told you earlier about the treatment. I’m sorry,” he said.
“Don’t pull anything like that again and it’s good, Winchester,” you said, using your shirt to dry your face.
“Take a shower for me when you get home. It’ll help you feel better,” he said.
“Okay,” you said. “Dean?”
“Hm?”
“The treatment you got today...how long before you know it works?” you asked.
“Depends on how fast my blood counts come back but the fact I didn’t have a reaction is really good news. A week more and then I might finally get out of these damn woods for once,” he said. “I’m really looking forward to getting out of them. Until then though, take it easy?”
“Okay,” you said. “Okay.”
“Text me when you get home. I’ll have my boys over soon,” he said.
“Alright. I will.”
“Be safe.”
“You too, Dean.”
“Hey! Chickadee, you home yet?” you heard as you were getting dressed in Dean’s bedroom after your shower an hour later.
“Would you answer to that?” you heard another voice say.
“Don’t be pissy, Cassie,” said the first voice.
“You ate my snack!” said the second.
“It was fucking free airplane food. A bag of pretzels. Go raid Dean’s pantry if I deprived you so badly.”
“It’s the principle, Benjamin.”
“It’s the principle,” mocked the other one.
You stuck your head out of the hallway, raising an eyebrow at the two men in the living room.
“Benjamin?” you asked, the slightly larger one turning his head, both of them giving you a smile.
“Benny. Castiel. Deano said he was giving you a heads up,” he said.
“If you were her would you-”
“Go eat a snack. You’re cranky,” said Benny. Cas rolled his eyes but walked into Dean’s kitchen. You wrapped Dean’s flannel around yourself and stepped into the hall, Benny giving you a smile. “You must be Y/N.”
“Yeah,” you said quietly.
“Dean said you were having a rough night.”
“...A lot going on right now,” you said. “He was worried is all. He overreacted. You guys just got home from months away. I’m sure you’d rather go to your own houses.”
Cas poked his head out of the kitchen, mouthful of pretzels and cocking his head.
“She must not know us very well,” he said after he’d chewed some.
“Dean asks us to do something, we do it,” said Benny. “Always been that way, always will be that way. So get used to our faces.”
“You got any dip?” asked Cas, grabbing another handful of food.
“I think there’s ranch in the fridge,” you said.
“It’s fine,” he said, carrying the bag into the living room, taking a seat on the couch and looking around. “Did he clean?”
“You think Deano cleaned?” laughed Benny as he sat down, glancing at you. “I think it was our new friend.”
“I’ve been staying here. It’s complicated,” you said, carefully walking out and sitting in the chair, both guys devouring the bag.
“Let’s order pizza,” said Cas, pulling out his phone.
“Wings. Oh, and fries too,” said Benny. “Oh and something with chocolate.”
You stared at them as they bickered for a moment over toppings, Cas ordering enough food to feed an army.
“Alright, it’ll be here in half an hour,” he said, stretching in his seat. “I’m gonna shower quick.”
“Remember there’s a lady in the house,” said Benny. “Pants, Cas.”
“How ever would I survive without you?” said Cas. “Y/N, I’ll keep the bathroom clean.”
“Really, it’s fine, Cas. Use whatever,” you said.
“So,” said Benny when Cas headed down the hall. “It sounds like you’ve been taking care of our boy while we were gone.”
“I didn’t do anything,” you said.
“Not the way he says it,” said Benny. “I ain’t talking about you giving him all those cells either.”
“Again, I didn’t do anything,” you said.
“Mhm,” he said. “You’re not much of a conversationalist, are ya.”
“I don’t know you and it’s ten thirty at night after a long day. I’m not particularly in the mood to talk,” you said.
“I see why Dean asked us to come over,” he said.
“Enjoy your food. Goodnight, Benny,” you said as you stood.
“You are just like him,” he said as you went past. “Dean.”
“No. I’m not. He’s normal and happy.”
“Yup, you two are just like one another I’m betting. You both got that put yourself down thing all the time going on,” he said.
“I’m not really in the mood for whatever this is so-“
“This is me saying thank you for taking care of one of my best friends while Cas and I were away. Dean doesn’t have many people left and what he’s going through, no one should do that alone,” he said.
“Like I said, I didn’t do anything,” you said.
“Alright. You gonna sit back down or what?” he asked. You settled back into your seat, Benny cocking his head. “It was the hair wasn’t it. Boy always gets ‘em with the hair.”
“Huh?”
“Dean’s hair. He’s lured in more than one woman with that mess on his head,” said Benny.
“Uh no. He was nice. He doesn’t even have hair right now, just some peach fuzz,” you said.
“It’ll come back,” said Benny, leaning back into his seat more. “You know he hasn’t had a girlfriend since he was diagnosed. Not been on a single date. Well he’s been on dates but only first ones. He stopped after that kept happening.”
“I imagine dating isn’t really on your mind when you find out news like that,” you said.
“He didn’t tell you, did he.”
“Tell me what?”
“Dean had been dating this girl for nearly a year when he found out. She dumped him the next day.”
“No. That’s horrible.”
“Dean said it was cool but we knew it wasn’t. He needed someone and he got left out on his own. We were always leery of the chick. Deano was settling for someone that put him down a lot. We were pretty surprised when he told us about his new girlfriend about a month back. He swore he’d never have one again,” said Benny.
“He never can seem to catch a break,” you said. Benny smiled and shook his head.
“I’d disagree. He’s got odds of living, he’s got someone that cares about him. He really likes you, Y/N. You gave him a bit of faith in humanity back. He was pretty low. Don’t call that nothing,” he said.
“I was pretty low too,” you said quietly, Benny nodding. “How long have you been friends with Dean?”
“First grade. I used to be a skinny little kid if you can believe it. I was new that year. No one in my class wanted to be my friend. Dean and Cas though at recess, they saw me and asked me to play since I was by myself. They were my best friends after that. Every single day after that we were together. We opened a garage together.”
“Really? I thought Dean just worked at one,” you said.
“Cas handles the more business side but us three are equal partners in it. We do pretty good too. We like it. Dean’s folks weren’t too thrilled,” said Benny.
“He said he never told them he got sick,” you said.
“He didn’t. None of us did. We wouldn’t break his trust like that,” said Benny.
“He needed someone to take care of him,” you said.
“He’ll pull through. He always does. He was saying he’s got real good chances if he can get through the next few weeks,” he said.
“Yeah,” you breathed out, ducking your head down. You felt tears prickle your eyes. You didn’t even know why you were upset. For Dean. For you. For how his ex-girlfriend had treated him. You honestly didn’t know anything other than that you cared too much. You were going to screw something else up soon and he’d see you as being too clingy.
“Hey,” said Benny softly, suddenly kneeling down in front of your chair. “Can I hug you?”
You nodded and felt him wrap you up in a big bear hug, pulling you over to sit on the couch. He got up for a minute and returned with a box of tissues and a blanket. It was heavy, a weighted one and he tucked you into his side when he sat back down.
“Who’s been taking care of you?” he asked.
“What?” you asked, hiccuping slightly.
“Who takes care of you?”
“I’m fine. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Other people have it way worse,” you said, sniffling again.
“Oh, you are so wrong, chickadee. Everybody needs somebody to take care of them sometimes. Dean’s not quite up to the job right now which is why he sent us. So you cry or vent or whatever you want to feel better, okay?” he asked.
“I don’t…” you said, hearing Cas come out of the bathroom, pausing when you both looked back at him.
“Dean said you’d be a hard one to crack,” he said, walking around to the other side of the couch and sitting down. He threw an arm over your shoulders and smiled at you. “You should have seen how bad Benny cried when Dean told us the news. Trust us, there’s no such thing as being embarrassed around us.”
“I’m glad Dean has friends like you guys,” you said, blowing your nose while Benny ran a hand up and down your back.
“You want to talk about anything?” asked Cas. You shook your head and it was quiet for a moment.
“Well let’s stick on a movie. We got some good food coming soon,” said Benny. They didn’t say much aside from occasionally asking if you needed anything.
You only had one slice of pizza but they polished off more of the food than you thought they would. By the time they were finished it was close to midnight and you were exhausted.
“I’m going to head to bed guys,” you said as you stood up.
“Alright. Try to get some sleep. We can go see Dean tomorrow,” said Cas.
“Goodnight,” you said, walking down to the bedroom. You flopped down on the mattress, letting out a shaky breath. After a moment you got under the covers and rolled over, spotting a call pop up on your phone.
Dad
“What?” you snapped as you grabbed the phone. “It’s midnight. What the fuck do you want?”
“Mom and I are at the airport. We’re staying at the Hilton nearby. We need to talk tomorrow,” he said.
“I haven’t spoken to you in two years,” you said.
“We heard about this Liam guy,” he said. You swallowed, expecting another disappointed talk. “Your cousin divorced George. He cheated. More than once.”
“Good for her,” you said dryly.
“We’re sorry. We know you were telling the truth now. He even admitted it.”
“I think it’s too late for that,” you said. “Please don’t call again.”
_____
A/N: Read the Final Part here!
#supernatural#spn#dean x reader#dean winchester#supernatural fanfiction#dean winchester x reader#dean#winchester#dean spn#au
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Are you the person to open a box of cereal just to get the toy inside?
As a kid yes. Right now, I don’t buy cereals with prizes anymore. Do they even stuff toys in cereal these days?
Do you get scared easy?
If it’s in the anxiety induced variety, yes.
What was one of the stupidest things you cried over when you were little?
Not sure, it could have been anything from not wanting to wear a fancy dress or dress shoes to a party or a broken toy.
Have you ever drank milk from the carton?
Despite having a working dishwasher and plenty of glasses, I “waterfall” milk and juice from the containers.
Juice or milk?
I go both ways, leaning more towards juice. Apple or orange.
Do you ever turn off your computer properly?
Once in a while.
Do you wish you were a fish?
Not really, though I kinda envy the blue Dory (Doctor Fish?) in the tank at my gynecologist’s waiting room. It likes to swim to the bottom of the tank and ride up to the top on a bubble jet. That damn fish has probably had more fun than I have in the past several months.
Who’s your favorite super hero?
Invincible (Amazon Prime). Along with Spider-Man (2002) and the Big Hero 6 movie, that character/series is a rare superhero show that makes me feel strong and vulnerable at the same time.
Who’s your favorite super villain?
Slade Wilson/ Deathstroke as seen in “Teen Titans: The Judas Contract” animated movie and the 2003-2006 “Teen Titans” cartoon series.
Spiderman or X-men?
Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire and Peter B. Parker from Into the Spiderverse.
Movie theatre or stay at home movie night?
Theaters. Alamo Drafthouse. I love ordering boozy milkshakes and finger foods.
Do you have a Blue Ray?
I have one of those external drives for my Mac though I never use it.
How about HD television?
Yeah
Do you think HD television is kind of a waste of money?
No.
Do you get why people get so frickin’ freaked out during football season?
I do not, and living in a state with a hard-on for (American) football makes it weird when I tell people that I do not have a favorite football team/player.
Do you ever sneak scraps to the dog even though you’re not suppose to?
I don’t sneak him food. If I cook or order too much to eat, then I scrape a couple of cup’s worth of leftovers in his bowl. He’s probably got only a year to live so let him live it up a little.
Are you reading a book right now? If so what?
A friend gave me a copy of “The Only Good Indians” but I can't get into it so I’m reading “Full Throttle” by Joe Hill.
What was the last book you were required to read for school?
It’s been so long I can’t remember.
O donuts or jelly filled?
Whipped cream filled. I love Krispy Kreme’s whipped cream filled donuts with raspberry filled donuts as a close second.
If I’m feeling bland then I do like crullers.
Do you like your ice-cream in a bowl or cone?
Bowl unless it’s a tasty cone.
Marshmallows in your hot chocolate or no?
I could go either way unless it’s a tiny cup of chocolate.
Do you like cherry coke?
Hell yes. I love going to Sonic for a cherry-vanilla-lime Coke or this greasy little 1950s type burger joint for their cherry cokes since they load the cups with several cherries.
Do you really think diet Dr. Pepper is the equivalent of a cupcake?
No, it tastes artificial. Like a bastard child of a soft drink that wants to pass for cherry soda.
Do you snore in your sleep? Drool? Talk?
Snore and talk (I’m pretty stressed out).
Have you ever sleep walked?
no
Are you a morning person?
I am now.
How do you wake up in the mornings?
by alarm during the work week, naturally at 6-7 on vacation days.
Do you think guyliner is hot?
What is that?
Is variety the spice of life?
yeah
Do you think strawberry milk is disgusting?
I like it.
Have you ever drank after anyone?
Like sharing a cup/bottle? Yeah, loads of times.
Have you ever drank after anyone you don’t know very well?
No.
Do you have any limits on who you drink/eat after?
If we’re talking about sharing, then I will share food/drink with family and friends. If someone offers me bite-size pieces that are individually wrapped or can be torn off the main portion, I’ll eat it, but only from co-workers or acquaintances.
Would you eat a sucker if someone already ate some of it?
No.
Would you chew somebody else's gum?
Hell no.
Do you know anyone who’s going to die of mono because of that?
No.
Do you enjoy school?
My English and psychology classes.
Are you a teacher’s pet?
no
Do you have a job?
Yes.
How did you get to and from school?
Parents drove me or I walked for elementary through high school. I drove when I went to college.
Do you have a bedtime? And if so what is it?
I’m in bed between 11-12 a.m.
What time do you get up?
6 am so I can walk/exercise before the sun boils the earth in full force.
Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
Yeah in college.
What’s more important? Beauty or brains?
brains
Do you believe in yourself?
Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t.
Did you ever want to be an astronaut when you were little?
No. Being a veterinarian or scientist were my highest ambitions as a small kid.
How about the president?
Never.
What did you want to be when you were little?
Veterinarian, scientist, cartoon character.
Did you ever want to be a super model?
no
Do you believe you’re attractive enough to be a super model?
No.
Have you ever had an X-ray?
Several in the past few months for pre-surgery and dental work.
What’s your favorite guy’s name? What’s your favorite girl’s name?
Guys’: Shane, Mark, Tadashi, Austin, Cade, Trip.
Girls’: Quince, Sienna, Amy, Kit, Lizzie (Elizabeth), Raven.
Who’s your second cousin’s, grandparent’s, sister?
The fuck...
Do you laugh to yourself whenever the ketchup bottle farts?
No, in fact, I get annoyed when other people hear it and ask me if I farted.
Do you have any real guns in your house?
I have several.
Do you know how to use nunchucks?
No, I bought a pair at one of those Asian imports emporiums, but I donated them since I never learned to use them. They were these crappy foam padded ones with dragons printed on the handles.
Do you know anyone who can use nunchucks?
No.
What do you want to be next Halloween?
In better health and not shitting bricks about using up my paid time off to go to doctors’ appointments.
Did you ever consider getting a job as a mall Santa?
No. I’d rather be one of his elves or a reindeer.
Are you the one responsible for taking out the garbage?
Yes. Grosses me the fuck out sometimes with smelly discarded poultry trays or rotten food, but somebody’s gotta do it.
Do you recycle?
My city has the blue recycling bins, but I heard that since we’re an ass-backward community, “recyclables” and trash all go to the same place. I just place recyclables in the blue bin to help clear up space in the trash bin. Maybe I’m wrong and this city does recycle? Can’t hurt.
When I was 11, I’d collect empty soda cans to take to the recycling guy since back in the day, they’d pay for aluminum cans. That’s how I scraped up funds for dollar movies and hot dogs.
Are you a pyro?
Yeah. I carry/collect Zippo lighters but mostly because the “click-click” is satisfying to hear since I flip the lids open and closed to relieve stress. And I burn a lot of old bills and letters with sensitive info on them.
What was the last word/thing you wrote down?
I was researching high fiber foods that are also low in carbs to make a grocery and dinner meal plan.
Sleeping or eating?
After my surgery, sleeping.
Are you overall a positive person?
I try to be realistically positive, if such a thing exists. The world will never be all sunshine and My Little Ponies, but I try to find some comfort and positivity when my world is a shit-show. Filling this survey out kinda helps.
Do you hate hypocrites?
Yeah, especially the “do as I say, not as I do” types.
For instance, a certain family member is pushing good diet and health habits, but it aggravates the hell out of me if I see him drinking high sugar iced tea or eating ice cream. Or Door-Dashing Burger King, even if it is a Beyond Whopper with a diet Coke.
Do you like to prank people?
Yes, but I do benign pranks like leaving dirty riddles and meme drawings on their front doors.
What was the worst prank you’ve ever done on anyone?
I tried fucking with a telesolicitor but I could not stop laughing.
Have you ever jumped on a trampoline in the ice?
I don’t own a trampoline.
Have you ever ice skated?
No. I tried once after a local minor league hockey game. I got the skates on, but my ankles were bending/bowing out so I changed my mind.
Ever water skiid?
No.
Is vacuum spelled funny?
Yes.
Democrat or republican?
I don’t associate formally with either party, but I hitch my pony a little to the left.
Who’s the biggest asshole you know?
My former boss circa 2013. Very unprofessional and a veritable loudmouth and a poor (shit) showman wannabe.
Pen or pencil?
Gel-ink pens.
Should all paper have holes?
nope
Speaking of holes. Swiss cheese, what’s the point of that?
Fewer calories? Spinning slices in my hand like a TV cowboy spinning his revolver in the trigger guard with his finger?
Have you ever been in a helicopter before?
No.
Own any airbrushed tshirts?
Nope, not even in the nineties.
Have you ever been suspended?
No.
Have you ever been in a fist fight?
A few playground fights as a kid.
Ever said something to someone that you didn’t mean to say?
Yes.
Do you forgive too easily?
I don’t think so.
What are you listening to right now?
The AC running.
Have you ever seen any of MCR’s music videos?
Nope.
Are you tan?
No.
Have you ever been in a tanning bed?
No. I have no desire to look like a Cheeto or woo skin cancer.
Have you ever played water volley?
Once at my uncle’s neighborhood swimming pool.
Ever had a sunburn?
Yes, from neglecting sunscreen re-applications or underestimating the sun.
How about wind burn? It hurts…..
Nah, I don't live in a cold enough climate for that.
What was the first word you learned how to say?
I think it was “mama.”
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Better | Bucky Barnes x Reader (Part 10) - FINALE
My Masterlist
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9
Summary: Things may have gotten better but you still need YOUR family...
Word Count: 9442
Pairing: Doctor!Bucky x Doctor!Reader, Steve Rogers x Peggy Carter (mentioned), Rebecca Barnes, Winnifred Barnes
Warnings: Swearing, Surgery, Organ Donation, Nudity, Cancer, Death Mention, William Shakespeare (check sparknotes if you would like but I just could not bother translating that shit!)
A/N: This is the first series that I have completed and I must say, I feel so damn accomplished. As I have said before, Better is a fic that is extremely close to my heart because of how personal it is to me. I loved writing every bit of it, even the angst and the fluff. I appreciate all the love that I got for this fic, with Better!Bucky stealing everyone’s hearts and the headcanons you all sent me when I felt really inspired to dive more into this little universe that I had created. We have two epilogues left so this isn’t goodbye. But thank you to @dramadreamer14 for being the one who got me started on here and for keeping me going until the end of the line (I HAD TO!). You’re the realest, Naynay! This one’s for you! <3
The steam that arose from the hot shower still lingered around the bathroom, the condensation clouding up the mirror as you stood in front of it. Fresh out of the shower and still in the nude, you took a moment to stare at the plain reflection of your delicate body. You watched as a drop of water trickled down your neck before reaching your sternum. Under your right breast was the waterproof dressing that kept covered the now restored masterpiece of Dr. Peter Parker. You could not help but run your fingers over the patch for a moment. These stitches should start dissolving soon.
Natasha had told you that since your incision had reopened and had to have been stitched up again, you might have a scar on your abdomen for the rest of your life; it was a constant reminder of your sacrifice and the trauma that you had to endure. Not that you minded, really. After all, this scar was also a reminder of you finally opening yourself up to your James.
The creaking noise of the door snapped you out of your thoughts for a moment and you noticed Bucky Barnes enter the bathroom. “I told you not to get out of the shower until I got back, doll.” He scolded you when he saw you standing in front of the mirror, shaking his head at your reflection as he wrapped the clean bath robe over your shoulder.
You gave him a small smile as you felt your cheeks heat up, looking down at your feet as the drops of water continued to trickle down your bare legs. You could not remember the last time you had managed to shave; it must have been a few days before your surgery. But with your lack of mobility when showering, you had not even bothered to make the effort. For the sake of not soaking your stitches, you had been avoiding taking a bath like the plague. While the shower had definitely helped with maintaining the cleanliness, the sutures in your body prevented you from bending over in order to shave.
Not that Bucky minded though. He was never one to believe in the social constructs of what made someone attractive, especially not with you. His common sense and medical knowledge combined were reason enough for him to know that hair growth was a natural bodily function within women and that shaving should not be a priority to someone who’s currently recovering from a partial liver transplant. He had ensured that you had no reason to feel insecure about that.
This would be the fourth day he had helped you out of the shower, the fourth time he had seen you completely naked and not made a big deal out of it. As a surgeon, he had seen it all during his decade on the job. But even though you were not his patient, even if you were the love of his life, he was not one to lose his self control and dignity just because you had stood before him unclothed. He understood that you were healing and he was caring for you. It was as simple as that.
He grabbed a clean towel from the rack and handed it to you so that you could dry yourself off. “Nat said that she’ll take a look at your stitches when she comes over tomorrow, just to see if they’re dissolving as they should be.” He told you, his head held low to the tiled bathroom floor. He would not even dare to steal a glance of your naked body without your consent. “I’ll let you get dried off.”
Before he could step out of the bathroom, you quickly grabbed his wrist. “James.” You gave him a soft smile as you stepped forward, leaning in slightly to peck his lips. “Thank you.”
He cocked his eyebrow slightly, giving you a look of confusion that was followed by a soft chuckle. “Get dried off so that I can change your dressing, okay? I’ll get started on breakfast.”
You gave him a nod as you watched him walk out of the bathroom, a sigh of contentment escaping your lips as you turned back to look at your reflection in the mirror. With the fog now cleared up, you could finally see yourself smiling and you began to dry yourself off.
While you were getting dressed, Bucky managed to strip and make your bed before making his way to the kitchen. He got started on making your breakfast, as he had been doing for the last few days. He would say that he was a decent cook for the most part. Having lived alone for all these years, he did have to learn how to make his own meals. However, in recent years with his added workload and unpredictable schedule, not to mention the financial stability, he had hired a personal chef to prep his meals for him while he was away.
His lunches and dinners had always been prepped and stored in his refrigerator by his professional meal prepper every week. But ever since you had come to stay with him, he had contacted the chef and made changes to his usual menu to include your dietary requirements as per Natasha’s instructions. While the fridge had been stored with pre-prepared meals of salmon and broccoli or an avocado salad for you, breakfast was always his thing.
Bucky always prepared you a bowl of oatmeal topped with fresh berries and some freshly steeped green tea, all of which were on the top of Natasha’s list of foods that were good for the liver. As he had learned recently, you were not that fond of the taste of grapefruit though you preferred a glass of cranberry juice with your dinner as replacement for wine. In the last four days, he had become quite fond of all of your weird quirks – from the temperature of the water when you shower to the way you ate your broccoli first before digging into the salmon, he liked all of it.
You got dressed into an oversized nightshirt that MJ had picked out for you after realizing that your closet was rather lacking of clothes that are comfortable enough for someone who’s just had surgery. It was lose around your body, covering a lot more skin compared to a hospital gown but also easy to breathe in. You pulled your dressing gown over your body as you made your way over to the kitchen. Bucky’s apartment was fairly too big for one person alone, with a breathtaking view of the river right outside of his living room window. It was roomy. The guest bedroom itself was three times as big as your entire loft apartment. A part of you felt slightly guilty for taking up that much space, for you had always believed that you deserved less than what you had. But you also felt safe in this apartment, for you were with your James. You were at his home. Home is where the heart is and you had given him your heart.
When you saw that Bucky had set down a bowl of oat meal in front of your seat, you groaned. “James, I can’t...” Your tone was rather whiney but it made him chuckle. “You can’t mask out the fibre with all those berries. It’s disgusting.”
He handed you a spoon as you sat down, his arm wrapped around your shoulder as he leaned down to kiss the top of your head. “If you eat this and drink your tea, I’ll give you an extra glass of cranberry juice for dinner.”
“You call that an incentive, Dr. Barnes?” You looked up at him with a pout of your lips. “I never thought I would say this but I would actually take the IV and feeding tube over this concoction that Natasha has graciously called breakfast.” You admitted as you took the spoon from him and sighed, struggling to take the first bite. “If that liver of mine doesn’t regenerate in the next few weeks, I swear to God...”
Pulling up his chair next to you, he sat down with his own bowl of oatmeal and held up his spoon. “I’m with you till the end of the line, doll.” He said as he took a bite of his breakfast, scrunching his nose at the texture of the warm oatmeal in his mouth. “Not as good as my usual protein shakes but this would do.”
You let out a chuckle as you took another bite of it, laying your head against his shoulder. “So, your usual diet includes protein shakes and an extensive menu prepared by a personal chef.” You noted, cheekily. “Good to know, Barnes...”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, it’s just that... there are a lot of things that I feel like I didn’t know about you until now.” You admitted, taking another bite before turning over to look at him. “And it seems like you know everything about me by now...”
It took a moment for your James to take in what you were saying and he bit down on his bottom lip, letting out a sigh before giving you a nod. “I do, don’t I?” He asked as he picked at his bowl of oatmeal before turning over to look at you. “I do know a lot about you, maybe more than you had told me.” Admitting that may not have been the best thing to do right not, but he did not care. After all, he wanted to be honest with you. If it meant that he should share what he had done, then so be it. If you did get mad at him for it, then he sure as hell deserved it for invading your privacy.
You raised your eyebrow slightly as you set down your spoon, licking your lips as you picked up your mug to take a sip of the green tea that had now cooled down. “Peggy may have mentioned it when I asked her why the terms on your contract were triple the amount that my parents owed the hospital. She said something about the outstanding medical bills in Philly, which she wouldn’t have known so I asked her how she did know and she was so quick to rat you out that I was actually surprised.” You told him as you laid his hand on top of his, sighing.
“I...”Bucky paused, not knowing how to respond to that. He could never trust Peggy with a secret, could he? For a woman who preaches about attorney-client privilege like it’s the Bible, she sure as hell lacked the social filter that was necessary when it came to his love life. She could not keep a secret. It did dawn on him that she may have had good intentions, but that did not make her attempts to meddle any better. “I... I’m sorry, I know I violated your privacy. But I only did it because I was worried and I was watching out for you...” He bit down on his bottom lip as he looked away from you, unable to maintain eye contact when you had just called him out on what he had done.
“James.” You shook your head. “She was also quick to explain that what you did was totally illegal and if I did want to take legal action against you, she would have to resign from being my attorney due to her conflict of interest.” You joked, chuckling softly as you tried to lighten up the mood.
“You’re... not mad?”
You shook your head. “No, I mean, I know why you did it. I had built up these walls around me and... I made it so hard for anyone to know anything about me. In a way, it’s my fault that you had to go out of your way to...” You sighed. “It shows me that you care, James, and I’m... I’m glad to have someone who cares enough about me to... not think twice about breaking the law.”
Bucky let out a sigh of relief that you were not mad at him. But how could you ever get mad at him in the first place? “Oh thank God, I was so worried... that you might end up hating me.” He admitted. “I’m sorry, doll. Even though I did have good intentions, what I did was wrong and I have to own up to that. If you do feel like punishing me for what I did, I’m more than willing to accept it.”
“Well, if you insist on being punished, then... since you seem to know everything about me, you could... maybe start off by telling me everything about you.” You told him as you laughed. “I mean, I did know that you came from old money and that you did not have to struggle financially. But you live in a big ass penthouse apartment, you drive a Mercedes but Wanda tells me that it’s not the only car you own... and you have a personal chef and a housekeeper who come in once a week. You seem a lot more... different than... most people I know. And no, I’m not saying this because I feel insecure or anything. I don’t... I just... you are so different, you could have had anything or anyone you wanted and to think that you chose my fucked up heart over that, I’m... I’m flattered.”
“You’re right, doll.” He admitted, picking at his bowl of oatmeal as he turned over to look at you. “I am different. We’ve both had very different upbringings, I won’t deny that. My grandparents were... fairly wealthy. My family’s quite influential in this little town of Shelbyville, Indiana. That’s where I was born. My parents met when they were kids and they were high school sweethearts. They got married right after they graduated from medical school, moved to Brooklyn for their residency and started up their own practice together, as partners. They were both very successful physicians but they also started a family together. Four kids... and a business to run, they could not do it on their own. I was pretty much raised by my nanny, Sarah...”
“Steve’s mother.” You noted, giving him a nod. Steve had told you about his own family situation growing up, with his parents being Irish immigrants who had their own struggles. Mr. Rogers had not been the best of fathers, but he had passed o when he was fairly young. Sarah Rogers had no choice but to become to sole breadwinner of her family, having a young son to take care of on her own. It must have been a miracle that she had managed to find employment with the Barnes. But from what you knew, the woman had pretty much raised your James and she had done a darn good job at it. “He’s told me a lot about her.”
“She was a wonderful woman, Y/N. I wish you could have met her. She would have loved you like her own child. She always treated us like we were her own children. She never acted like she was being paid to take care of us.” Bucky recalled fondly as he thought of his childhood. “She took care of us like we were her own. But she did have certain limits. She always called me Master James, told me that I should never pick on my little sisters and that I should always watch out for them, as their big brother. She always let me watch when she braided their hair or when she cooked, taught me a thing or two along the way. She was the reason why I managed to become friends with Steve. He was like another brother than a friend, really... he still is.”
“Do you miss her a lot?” You asked him, biting down on your bottom lip as you picked at your oatmeal. You were well aware that Steve’s mother had passed away quite a while ago. Though you did not know the details, you knew that she had passed away from cancer. But now that you knew that Bucky did have a close relationship with that woman, you could imagine how hard it must have been for her.
“I mean, yeah... I miss her a lot. I think about her every day, every single day when I go into work, every single time I see a patient, every single time I get called for a consult. I think of her and I miss her every single day. I never...” Looking back to his teenage days was not easy for Bucky. It was never easy for any teenager. But the worst part of it all had to be when he had lost Sarah. He had been nineteen years old back then, having taken a gap year after his high school graduation. Not only had he been unsure about what he wanted do with his life, but he had also made a pact with Steve that the two of them would attend NYU together. Perhaps his decision to declare a pre-med major may have been his attempt at blindly following his parents’ footsteps, but after Sarah’s death he knew exactly what kind of doctor he wanted to be. “I never realized how fucked up our health care system was... until I realized what actually happened to Sarah. I didn’t think that someone who had a clear case of BAC could be misdiagnosed with pneumonia. I didn’t think there was this... systemic... classism that was so deep-rooted... I think that was a wake-up call for me. All I could think of was... if Sarah had been in a better financial situation, she would have gotten better care and she might even be alive today. I think that made me want to be a better doctor than the ones she had, you know... because I don’t think any kid in this fucked up world deserves to lose their mother because their doctors weren’t good enough at doing their jobs.”
You nodded, understandingly. “She would have been so proud of you, James. She would have been so proud of both you and Steve, your sisters. She did a damn good job raising all of you and... she’s watching you do wonders, I’m sure.” You told him with a smile, your hand holding onto his.
His lips curled into a small smile as he nodded. “I do hope so, Y/N.” He admitted, sighing. “You know, I... I wasn’t always like this. Back then, all I cared about was being the best doctor that could be. And I was... good at my job. I’m a good doctor, I know that. I was better than those doctors that Sarah had. But I was so caught up with being a better doctor, that I often... I forgot to be human.” This was true. He did have his head right up his ass until a few years ago. “I was throwing myself into work and... I thought I was doing good, that cutting into hearts were enough. I had a privileged life, Y/N. I never understood how lucky I was that... I had parents who had successful careers or financial stability. I never understood that... I had made it this far was because I was privileged. I never thought about... giving back to those who didn’t have what I had. I... didn’t think that I could do so much more than I already was. I was so caught up with being a good doctor but what I realized later was that I needed to be a better person... because I had a lot of people who were looking up to me. Seeing you made me realize that... you’re not the one who should strive to be better, but me. I needed to be better, for myself ... for my goddaughter, my niece and nephew... for you. You made me realize that.”
You leaned over to give him a quick peck on his lips. “Well, you can’t be better than perfect... and you are perfect.” You told him, and he was indeed that. He was the perfect man, who had once had his flaws but he had worked to fix them all, for your sake.
After breakfast, you found yourself having taken your medication and making yourself comfortable on your James’ living room couch. The downside to being away from work was the fact that it was extremely difficult to kill time. Steve had forbidden you from even logging into your work email, let alone checking the files of your current patients whom you had transferred over to him for the time being. You had no other choice but to binge-watch whatever show was popular on Netflix. Hell, you had not even bothered to have an account on Netflix until Peter had forced you into creating one. You had a list of shows that you were planning to watch during your time in bed rest, as per Natasha’s recommendations. You were never fond of watching television, but at this point, you might as well keep yourself entertained.
While you had gotten immersed in the historically accurate depiction of the British royal family in The Crown, Bucky had found himself sitting in the dining room and catching up on some emails for work. He was on call at the moment but he had not been asked to come into the hospital just yet, so it was all good. Thankfully, Peggy was scheduled to spend the night with you while Steve was at home with Sarah. He had just finished replying to his last email when he got a phone call from his sister. His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he saw Rebecca Barnes’ name flash on his phone before he answered the call. “Hey Becca?”
“Hey Buck, just letting you know that mom and I are on our way over to yours right now. We should be there in a half hour or so.” Becca told her brother in a hurry. “I just came down to drop the kids off for the weekend and mom insisted that I join her for a little impromptu visit. She wants to see Y/N.”
“What?!” His eyes grew wide as he heard what his sister what just told him, but his tone was rather hushed as he did not want to bother you during your binge. “Rebecca, what the hell?! How did she know that Y/N was here and why the hell are you calling me instead of talking her out of coming here?!”
“Bucky, I think you and I both know the answer to that.” She replied, sighing. “You know Steve calls her at least twice a week. Apparently, she heard through the grape vine that you had paid off a large amount of money and asked him if he knew about it. You know Steve. He wouldn’t lie to her so... yeah, she knows about Y/N and you paying off her parents. Oh and Steve was gracious enough to rat me out too. Now she knows that I was also involved...” There was a pause before she let out a sigh. “So... yeah, mom wants to see Y/N and we’re on our way.”
To say that James Barnes was certain that one could not trust both the mister and missus Rogers would be an understatement. How could both the husband and the wife just rat him out to two of the most important women in his life like that? He had no idea. “Alright, thanks for the warning, I guess. I’ll see you when you get here.” Once he hung up the call, he was quick to make his way over to the living room. “Hey, doll?”
You picked up the remote to pause your show before turning your head slightly to face him. “Yeah?”
Biting down on his bottom lip, he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his sweat pants as he made his way around the couch. Sitting down on the loveseat across from you, he rubbed his temples for a moment, not knowing how to break this to you. He had not bothered letting his parents know about the events of the last few weeks, mainly because he did not know how to. But he also did not want to put you in an overwhelming position where you had to deal with them while you were also recovering from your surgery. Surely, you had met George and Winnifred Barnes before. But back then, you were only a colleague of his and now you were his girlfriend. “I don’t want to freak you out but... uh... my sister Becca just called and... my mom’s on her way here right now and she wants to see you.”
“What?!” You asked him in surprise. You had met the woman briefly before at Sarah Rogers’ second birthday party a few months ago. You certainly had a lot of respect for her. But now you were particularly nervous about meeting her again, as you happened to be dating her son. “How?”
Your James winced slightly at the thought of his best friend. “... Steve.” He replied with a sigh. “He told her everything and now she’s on her way here. My sister said that she wanted to see you.”
You let out a groan when he mentioned the name of your mentor. “Fucking Rogers...” You rolled your eyes as you laid your head back, sighing. “James, I don’t think I’m ready to meet your mother now. We’ve barely been a couple. What does she want to see me about?”
“I don’t know, doll.” Bucky agreed as he sighed, leaning over to place his hand on your foot. “You don’t have to put yourself through this if you don’t want to. I could just tell her that you’re not feeling like visitors and send her home.”
You shook your head. “Oh no, don’t do that. I don’t want to be rude.” You told him, biting down on your bottom lip. “I mean, you did say that she might be coming over every once in a while... right?”
“Well, she usually comes to do my laundry.” He admitted with a shrug. “Ever since she retired, she seems to have a lot of time on her hands so... she tends to stop by to do some chores around the house, you know, be a mom. But I was going to tell her to not come by in the next few weeks, you know, for your sake. But Steve just had to spill the beans to her and now’s she on her way.”
“When Peggy comes here tonight, I’ll make sure to give her a piece of my mind.”
The sound of his front door being unlocked by his mother’s set of keys may have startled Bucky slightly, for he sprung to his feet and stomped over to greet her in an instant. “Ma?”
“Hello, James.” The woman greeted her son with a warm smile upon seeing him rush to her, pulling him into a tight hug as she stood on the tip of her toes to reach his height. Even when her son had grown well into his adulthood, he would always be her little baby. As a once working mother who had been forced to spend so much time away from her children, she had always greeted them with a warm embrace when she came home. Her arms always wrapped tightly around them to show just how much she loved them despite not being around to show it as much as she would have liked. No wonder the Barnes children had turned out the way they had. They had two amazing women who had showered them with love and affection. They had never been deprived of a mother’s love, unlike yourself.
A part of him was relieved that his mother was not visibly upset by his actions, but he hugged her back rather hesitantly. All he could do was give Becca a death glare for not managing to talk her out of coming here. But it was too late now, since they were already here. He hoped for the best but for some reason, expected the worst. “Rebecca.”
“Brother.” She gave him an apologetic look that was followed by a shrug of her shoulders.
Pulling back from the hug, Winnifred Barnes ran her hand through her son’s hair fondly. “You look rather well-rested, son. Have you not been working in the last few days?” She asked him with her eyebrow raised at him.
“Uhm... no, not really.” He replied as he scratched the back of his neck. “I was on call the other night and I’m actually on call right now. I just haven’t had anyone call me in yet.”
“And here I thought my workaholic son had finally had a change of heart.” The woman joked as she began to make her way over to the living room. “How’s the lovely Y/N?”
“Uh...” He turned around to look at Becca before following her to the living room. “She’s doing alright...”
You turned off the television before getting out of your comfortable position on the couch, folding your blanket neatly and setting it aside. You fixed your dressing gown as you stood up, turning around towards the door to greet your boyfriend’s mother. “Dr. Barnes.” You smiled nervously at her.
“Oh honey, please... call me Winnie. Or Ma, Ma’s great too. Actually, I think I would prefer if you called me Ma.” She clarified with a smile, walking up to you and gently wrapping her arm around you. “Steve mentioned to me about your surgery the other day. I wish he could have told me sooner though. I would have come down and seen you at the hospital. But better late than never, right? How are you doing?”
“I’m doing much better now, thank you.” You told her with a smile and you could have sworn that your heart could have burst from the fondness that was so evident from this woman. “I... have some great people looking out for me so it’s all good.”
“Of course, you do!” Becca exclaimed as she walked up to you with a wide grin. “Hi, we haven’t met. I’m Becca Barnes and it’s so lovely to meet you, finally. My children have told me so much about you.”
You returned her smile, knowing very well that this woman had been the one who had dug into your past as per her brother’s request. “Peggy told me a lot about you as well, believe it or not.” You told her, making Bucky choke slightly.
Winnifred Barnes turned over to her son. “James, didn’t you say that you were working today? Why don’t you get on your way now? Becca and I can keep Y/N company while you’re gone.”
“Uh...” He looked away from his mother for a moment, turning to you with wide eyes. “I mean, I don’t have to go yet...”
A part of her was slightly surprised by his response, for she knew that her son would never turn down a chance to go into work earlier than he had been expected to be at work. But she was not an idiot. She knew that his reason for wanting to delay going in to the hospital was because he would rather stay at home with you.
She had to admit that it was slightly refreshing to see him like this. Bucky had remained single for while now and had rarely ever brought any women home. Winnifred had always been worried that her son would willingly choose to spend the rest of his life alone despite the fact that he was certainly capable of finding himself a wife. But she knew now that his heart had always been set on you and she could not be more grateful that the two of you had found each other.
When she had heard from Steve, and Becca after much insistence, about your familial situation, the woman’s heart broke. A mother’s love was meant to be the purest of them all. But the fact that your own mother had been the cause of your despair had sickened her. In an instant, she was longing to embrace you and shower you with the love that you had been so deprived of. A mother’s love, for you were now a daughter to her as much as the rest of them, if her son was so sure of making you his wife.
Just then, Bucky’s pager went off against the waistband of his sweat pants. A disappointed groan escaping his lips, he checked the page before making his way towards the dining room to grab his phone. A quick phone call to the nurses’ desk and MJ informing him of a ferry accident was reason enough for him to head to work. When he turned around to head back to the living room, he noticed that his sister had followed him. “What is it?”
Rebecca Barnes bit down on her bottom lip. “Mom... told me to give you something.” She told him as she reached into her purse to pull out a little black box. “When you’re ready, Buck...” She handed it to him and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “If you know that Y/N’s the one, I mean... I’m sure you know that by now. We all know that she’s the one, just... Mom loves her, but that’s not a surprise. Dad’s quite fond of her too, believe it or not. What’s there not to love about Y/N Y/L/N?”
His eyes grew wide as he took the box from her, pulling her into a hug and sighing. His eyes glazed over as he realized that he now had his family’s blessing. Although it was only a few days into the two of you being boyfriend and girlfriend, he had always known that it was you. But now his family did too. “She is the one, Becca.” He admitted, sighing. “She’s always been the one. I’ve always known that if I ever wanted to settle down and have a family of my own, if I didn’t have it all with Y/N, then I didn’t want it at all.”
Becca nodded as she rubbed his back, sighing. “She’s been through a hell of a lot, Bucky. She’s been through enough. She really needs a good family, one where she feels loved and accepted... and we have a damn good family, one that can love her... like family should. She’s earned every right to be a part of what we have. She deserves to be a Barnes.”
Pulling back from the hug, he wiped away his tears before looking down at the box that his sister had just handed him. Opening it to reveal the piece of jewelry that he had been so familiar with, he looked up at her. “Becca, is this...?”
“Our grandmother’s ring?” She nodded. “Yeah, it is. It’s the same one that she gave mom after she got married to dad. It’s a Barnes family heirloom and Y/N deserves it. Mom’s been holding onto it for the moment you... found yourself a woman you want to marry. She told me... what better way to welcome a new Barnes into the family than with a Barnes family heirloom?”
“I can’t believe it.”
“Promise me that you won’t put this off like you’ve been doing for all these years.” She asked her brother. “Promise me that you’ll do it sooner rather than later.”
Your James smiled before giving his sister a nod. “I promise.”
It had taken Bucky ten quick minutes to get dressed for work. As he was low on time, he was a little rushed. He had apologized to you a few times for having to leave you so abruptly and that too in the presence of his mother and sister.
But you had assured him that it was fine. “I knew you were on call, James. It’s cool. I’m just glad I don’t have to spend a few hours alone until Peggy gets here. It’s nice to have some company.” You told him.
He nodded as he leaned over to kiss the top of your head. “You better take care of yourself while I’m gone, you hear me? Your meals are in the fridge. Please eat on time and take your meds on time. No moving around too much while I’m gone and no trying to do chores either. You’re here to rest, not to be my unpaid housekeeper. Understood?”
You gave him a nod as your lips curled into a pout. “Yes, Dr. Barnes.” You giggled. “I’ll be fine. You’re leaving me with Brooklyn’s best internist and PI. What’s the worst that could happen?”
He chuckled softly as he turned over to look at his mom and sister, silently pleading them both not to overwhelm you in any way. He knew that they both understood, but he could not be so sure about it. After all, he wanted to make sure that you were comfortable.
“Oh don’t you worry, James. Rebecca and I can definitely keep her entertained while you’re gone.” Winnifred reassured her son, to which he had simply rolled his eyes in a playful manner.
“Bye Ma...” He waved at his mother, and then at his sister. “Bye Becca...” He turned to you. “Goodbye, doll. I love you... all three of you.” And with that, he turned around and made his way out the door.
You felt your cheeks heat up at his words and you hid your face away from Becca’s teasing look.
“Our boy’s turned into complete mush, Ma.” The PI noted as she giggled, her arm wrapped around you as you hid your face.
“I’ve never seen him so happy.” Her mother agreed, turning over to look at you. “Steve told me just how much he loves you, Y/N. I’m so happy for him... and for you. You two really deserve each other.”
“James... is a really great guy, Winnie.” You agreed as you looked up at her. “And I have you to thank for that.”
As the hours went by, both Winnifred and Rebecca Barnes had stayed with you. They had kept you fairly occupied, talking about the one man whom you all loved. You had learned a lot more about your James that day, by just listening to them talk for hours on end about him. Both Winnie and Becca had a lot of stories to share, from his childhood to his adulthood.
You had come to learn that Bucky had been a complete nerd at school due to his photographic memory, often being picked on by the other kids for his smarts. But he had always had a backbone too, standing up to his bullies when they picked on him and when they picked on Steve. That was no surprise for you though. He had stood up for you too. While his mother had told you stories of him as a child, his sister had been the one who had shared the most embarrassing ones of all – his first crush, his first kiss, his prom date... the dirt on Bucky that his mother would not have known. All in all, you had learned a lot about his life more than you had done that morning and you could not have fallen even more in love with him than you already were.
When lunchtime rolled around, Becca had been the one to heat up your pre-prepared meal while Winnie had read through the copy of Natasha’s specific instructions that Bucky had stuck to the refrigerator and took out the right medications for you to take. But the stories never stopped. They had kept their word to Bucky and kept you more entertained that any show on Netflix could have. You had learned quite a lot about Shelbyville, Indiana, where the Barnes were originally from and their family’s estate there. They had even managed to sneak an invite for you to be there for the next Barnes family reunion. For a family that had been well settled in Brooklyn, they still kept in touch with their roots. You admired that.
Becca had left shortly after lunch though, as she had to pick up her children from pre-school and head home. Before you knew it, the sun had set and you found yourself sitting in the living room with your boyfriend’s mother, a glass of cranberry juice in your hand and a glass of wine in hers. You had talked to her about how she had managed to have a successful career as a doctor, while also raising four children of her own. You had admitted two her of your interest to someday have a family of your own as well while still continue working, something that you never would have dreamed of a week ago. But things had changed for the better.
You had to admit that this woman acted like she was more of a mother to you than your own mother, despite only having known you for a few hours. You knew where James got his charm and good heart from. It was all from his mother. Winnie had been the one to heat up your dinner, before stealing one of her son’s portions for herself. As the two of you sat down to eat at the dinner table, Peggy had arrived to take up her shift with you according to Wanda’s schedule.
“Peggy, darling, I should have called you sooner but I just got so caught up with talking to Y/N that I forgot.” Winnie apologized to her. “Go home to your husband and kid, seriously. I have no problem staying with Y/N for the night. James wouldn’t be back until the morning and I’m sure you’ve got to be at work tomorrow. Don’t worry.”
“Winnie, are you sure?” The attorney asked her. “I really don’t mind staying with Y/N.”
“Honey, I have no job and my husband’s out of town. I have no problem spending the night here with Y/N until James gets out of work. Just go!” She told her with a chuckle.
The British woman wiggled her eyebrows at you when the other was looking away before she bid you farewell. Boy, was she going to give Steve a treat for spilling the beans to Winnifred Barnes.
You had been sitting on the couch with your feet up, pulling the blanket over your body as the sun had set and the stars had filled up the sky, little twinkling lights that reminded you of your endless night shifts with Dr. Barnes. You felt the happiest when you worked the night shifts with him, splitting take out and chatting away about the weirdest things. And now you were doing almost the same with his mother. “Thanks for being here, Ma...” You told her as you turned over to look at the woman who sat in the loveseat across from you. Your eyes were a little droopy from the exhaustion of the day despite not doing much. It seemed as though you found yourself becoming tired rather easily nowadays, thanks to the medications you were taking and the extensive process of literally re-growing an organ that you had managed to cut off and donate.
“I think it’s time you went to bed, sweetheart.” Winnie told you as she watched you let out a yawn.
You shook your head. “Maybe in a few minutes...” You told her, letting out a soft chuckle. “I haven’t been able to sleep on the bed. It feels too soft sometimes. Plus, I’m way too comfortable on this couch right now so... let me just savor that some more and then I can go to bed.”
A soft chuckle escaped the woman’s lips as your response and she stood up from her seat. “How have you been sleeping then?” She asked you as she sat down next to you on the couch, her arm wrapped gently around your shoulder.
“Well, James... usually stays up until I fall asleep. He sleeps in the guest room with me sometimes.” You replied, blushing slightly. “I think he likes to watch me sleep, to make sure I’m okay. And when he’s working nights, Nat and Wanda... snuggle up to me until I fall asleep.”
You did not even realize how that conversation had ended. But unbeknownst to you, you had managed to fall asleep on Winnifred Barnes’ shoulder that night. Not wanting to wake you up, the woman had made herself comfortable on the couch while she laid your head on her lap, her hand gently stroking your hair while she had dozed off.
When Bucky Barnes had returned to his penthouse apartment following his excruciating night shift, the least that he would have expected was for you to be asleep in the guest bedroom with Peggy taking the couch. But what he had walked into was something much better than that. Seeing you fast asleep on his mother’s lap while she had woken up to the sound of him coming home was everything he could have wanted and more.
He tiptoed over to the living room, setting his bag down on the coffee table before sitting down on the loveseat across from his mother. “I’ve never seen her sleep so peacefully... and believe me, I would know. I’ve watched her sleep quite a few times.” He whispered, trying not to wake you up.
Winnifred Barnes laughed softly at her son before shaking her head, her hand still clutching onto yours as you slept. “Steve may have mentioned that as well. He would never leave anything out.”
“That punk...” He rolled his eyes with a chuckle. “But... uh... are you not mad at me for what I did, Ma? I should have at least told you and dad before I went ahead with my... excessive spending.”
“Oh James, you know you don’t have to apologize for that.” She shrugged it off. “You were protecting the woman you love, as you should have. If anything, it just made me so proud that... I must have done something right, raising an absolute gentleman like you.”
Bucky let out a chuckle. “Yeah... well... I wasn’t always a gentleman. I think the term that one would use to describe me was... fuck boy or man whore. I’m pretty sure it was one or the other.” He had to admit that he was ashamed of his past. He had to apologize for the way his actions had often brought shame to his parents back then. “I gave you and dad such a hard time, acting so reckless and stupid.”
“You were young... and stupid, kid. But that’s all part of growing up. You do stupid things but you eventually learn from them. We can’t hold it against you for doing what everyone else your age was doing.” Winnie told her son. “But I think your father and I both knew that you would grow up eventually and you would change. We couldn’t be more proud of you, for everything you’ve accomplished as a surgeon... and as a philanthropist.”
“I don’t think I should take credit for that, Ma.” He smiled, motioning towards you. “It was all her. She made me better.”
“And that’s why I knew that she’s the one.”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the ring box that Becca had given him the day before. “Thanks for this, Ma.” He told her as he fumbled with the box for a moment, looking up at his mother with a content smile. “Thanks for everything. Thanks for being a good mom. I was lucky to have a mom like you and now I know that not many people can say that about their mothers, Y/N included.”
“The best part of being a mother was coming home to you and your sisters. Your dad and I had you before we did our residencies. When we moved to New York, we weren’t sure how we were going to manage raising you while working full time. Sarah was a big help but I always knew that I had to do my best to be a part of your life. I was not going to put my career over my children, because in the end it was your father and I who decided to have you when we had you.” She told him, a genuine smile evident on her face. “I love you, James. I always wanted you to know that, because a kid should never be deprived of a mother’s love, no matter how old he is or if he’s the best heart surgeon in New York. You’ll always be my little boy and I’m so proud of you.”
“I love you too, Ma... and I know that as she gets to know you, Y/N would love you too. She needs a good mom in her life and you’re the best mom I know.” Standing up from his seat, he walked around the coffee table to give her a kiss on the cheek. “You should probably go home and get some sleep. I’ve got her from here.”
James Barnes had a few hours to contemplate how he was going to do this. But he knew that this was exactly what his heart had desired. He was going to ask you to marry him the moment you woke up, not because he wanted to rush you into this relationship. He was not impatient, but this was not for him. He knew that Becca had been right about one thing – you needed a good family and the unconditional love that came with it. You needed a mother who would shower you with love and a father who would treat you as a human being. You had your girl friends but you also needed sisters. You needed to be a part of something more than just your little group of friends at the hospital. You needed family.
When Peggy’s parents had refused to attend her wedding to Steve, she had been quite upset. When he had asked Steve why their absence was such a big deal, Steve had explained to his promiscuous self that marriage was more than just two people coming together. It was about two families coming together as one. But you did not have a family of your own, so he might as well make you a part of his.
Bucky, although claimed to be lacking in the romantic department, had certainly proved that he was capable of pulling off some elaborate proposal if he wanted to. He could certainly afford it and a woman like you deserved to get engaged in style. But if he knew one thing about the woman he loved, it was that Y/N Y/L/N lived a rather simple life. She did not care for the riches, but for the thought that went behind every single thing he would do for her. You would want a simple yet genuine proposal from him, so that was exactly what he was going to give you.
“I loved hanging out with your mom and sister. I got a lot of dirt about you and your rebellious years. You’ve lived quite the life, Dr. Barnes.” You told your boyfriend as you made your way towards the kitchen once you had showered and gotten dressed. A look of confusion had plastered across to your face as the aroma of fresh pastry lingered up to your nostrils, much to the contrast of the usual morning oatmeal topped with fresh berries that you had been so used to. “James?”
“I was thinking... that after four whole days of oatmeal for breakfast, you might want something a little bit more indulging.” He chuckled softly as he set a plate of Cannoli’s on the kitchen island. “I ordered it from the little bakery down the street. They’re my favorite cheat meal.”
“Cannoli’s?” You asked, your eyebrow raised as you sat down on the chair. “What’s the occasion?”
“It was the closest thing I could find to a Venetian feast at such short notice.” He replied with a shrug as he walked around the kitchen island to kiss you softly.
“Why a Venetian feast?” You asked him as you picked up one of the pastry rolls and took a bite, letting the chocolate-y mascarpone filling give life to your partially dead taste buds.
Your James took a step back from you for a moment, taking your free hand in his as he bit down on his bottom lip. If he was going to do this, he was going to do this right now, because he did not want to put this off like he had put off confessing his love to you for years. He was not going to keep you waiting on him any longer that he had already done. “As our good friend William Shakespeare once wrote... You see me, Lady Y/L/N, where I stand... Such I am. Though for myself alone... I would not be ambitious in my wish... To wish myself much better, yet for you... I would be trebled twenty times myself- A thousand times more fair, ten thousand times more rich- That only to stand high in your account.”
Your eyes glazed over as you realized what he was saying. It was Portia’s monologue to Bassanio before she gave him her ring as a symbol of her love and commitment to him in The Merchant of Venice. The only difference though, was that he had changed the pronouns. “James.”
“Happy in this- he is not yet so old... but he may learn. Happier than this- he is not bred so dull but he can learn. Happiest of all is that his gentle spirit... commits itself to yours to be directed... as from his lady, his governor, his queen. Myself and what is mine to you and yours... Is now converted.” Bucky was in tears as he pulled out the little black ring box from his pocket and held up to you, dropping to his knee as he showed you the ring. His heart was beating right out of his chest, but for once he felt truly alive. His heart was no longer stone cold or dead. Yes, you had thawed him out completely. “I give them with this ring.”
You looked down at the vintage diamond ring that he had been holding. “James...” You crouched down to grab his face, his hair getting entangled with your fingers as you wiped away his tears with both of your thumbs.
“I’ve lived a life so different from yours, Y/N. I had all the money in the world and a loving family. I want what was mine to be yours too.” He sniffled. “I want you to have a family. I want you to be a part of mine. I want you to be a Barnes, if you would accept my proposal.”
Your voice was trembling and you were unable to speak. You nodded your head quickly as you continued to cry, your hands not leaving his face. Your eyes darted down to the ring that he had been holding and you nodded once more. Removing your hands from his cheeks, you held out the palm of your left hand towards him.
Bucky grinned widely as he wiped away his tears, retrieving the ring from its box to gently slide it onto your ring finger. “You don’t have to marry me right away. It can be tomorrow morning or ten years from now, I don’t care. You don’t have to have a custom made dress and flower arrangements. A courthouse wedding with a judge and two witnesses is more than enough for me, as long as it’s you that I’m marrying.”
“I think I have a better idea, Dr. Barnes.” You told him as you took both of his hands in yours. “How about we get married on Valentine’s Day? In your hometown of Shelbyville, Indiana... at your family’s estate, surrounded by your family and all of our friends. Steve would be your best man. Sam, Clint, your other friends and your brother-in-law would be your remaining groomsmen. Natasha would be my maid of honor and she’ll help me plan the wedding, from the color scheme to the flower arrangements and picking out a dress. Your three sisters, Peggy, Wanda would be my bridesmaids. Sarah and your little niece would be flower girls, your nephew the ring bearer and... the Chief’s ordained so he can marry us. Your parents will be sitting front row... and Matthew can walk me down the aisle.”
#better#aj writes#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes fic#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes fanfiction#doctor!bucky#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes series#bucky barnes au#marvel x reader#marvel au#doctor au
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WHAT IS SMOKING CIGARETTES?
A cigarette is a narrow cylinder containing burnable material, typically tobacco, that is rolled into thin paper for smoking. Across all forms of tobacco consumption both smoking and nonsmoking cigarettes are the most purchased and consumed tobacco item, creating a multibillion-dollar industry.
Addiction
Nicotine is the main addictive substance in cigarettes and other forms of tobacco. Nicotine is a drug that affects many parts of your body, including your brain. Over time, your body and brain get used to having nicotine in them. About 80–90% of people who smoke regularly are addicted to nicotine.
Nicotine reaches your brain within 10 seconds of when it enters your body. It causes the brain to release adrenaline, and that creates a buzz of pleasure and energy. The buzz quickly fades, though. Then you may feel tired or a little down—and you may want that buzz again.
Your body is able to build up a high tolerance to nicotine, so you’ll need to smoke more cigarettes to get that same buzz. This up and down cycle happens over and over. That’s what leads to addiction.
When people don’t smoke, they may have withdrawal symptoms. That’s because their bodies have to get used to not having nicotine. Withdrawal symptoms may include:
*Feeling down or sad
*Having trouble sleeping
*Feeling irritable‚ on edge‚ grouchy
*Having trouble thinking clearly and concentrating
*Feeling restless and jumpy
*Slower heart rate
*Feeling more hungry or gaining weight
*Medication called nicotine replacement therapy (NRT) can help reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms. *Learn more about NRT and how it can help you stop smoking with our interactive NRT explorer.
Your VA health care provider can give you a prescription for NRT. It’s also available without a prescription from your local pharmacy.
Addiction is the main reason people smoke, but it’s not the only reason.
10 Tips to Prevent smoking Cigarettes
1.Think positive
You might have tried to quit smoking before and not managed it, but don't let that put you off.
Look back at the things your experience has taught you and think about how you're really going to do it this time.
2.Make a plan to quit smoking
Make a promise, set a date and stick to it. Sticking to the "not a drag" rule can really help.Whenever you find yourself in difficulty, say to yourself, "I won't even have a single drag", and stick with this until the cravings pass.
Think ahead to times where it might be difficult (a party, for instance), and plan your actions and escape routes in advance.
3.Consider your diet
Is your after-dinner cigarette your favourite? A US study revealed that some foods, including meat, make cigarettes more satisfying.
Others, including cheese, fruit and vegetables, make cigarettes taste terrible. So swap your usual steak or burger for a veggie pizza instead.
You may also want to change your routine at or after mealtimes. Getting up and doing the dishes straight away or settling down in a room where you don't smoke may help.
4.Change your drink
The same US study as above also looked at drinks. Fizzy drinks, alcohol, cola, tea and coffee all make cigarettes taste better. So when you're out, drink more water and juice. Some people find simply changing their drink (for example, switching from wine to a vodka and tomato juice) affects their need to reach for a cigarette.
5.Identify when you crave cigarettes
A craving can last 5 minutes. Before you give up, make a list of 5-minute strategies.For example, you could leave the party for a minute, dance or go to the bar.And think about this: the combination of smoking and drinking raises your risk of mouth cancer by 38 times.
6.Get some stop smoking support
If friends or family members want to give up, too, suggest to them that you give up together.There's also support available from your local stop smoking service. Did you know that you're up to 4 times more likely to quit successfully with their expert help and advice?
If friends or family members want to give up, too, suggest to them that you give up together.There's also support available from your local stop smoking service. Did you know that you're up to 4 times more likely to quit successfully with their expert help and advice?
up to 4 times more likely to quit successfully with their expert help and advice?
You can also call the NHS Smokefree helpline on 0300 123 1044, open Monday to Friday, 9am to 8pm and Saturday to Sunday, 11am to 4pm.
7.Get moving
A review of scientific studies has proved exercise, even a 5-minute walk or stretch, cuts cravings and may help your brain produce anti-craving chemicals.
8.Make non-smoking friends
When you're at a party, stick with the non-smokers.
"When you look at the smokers, don't envy them," says Louise, 52, an ex-smoker. "Think of what they're doing as a bit strange – lighting a small white tube and breathing in smoke."
9.Keep your hands and mouth busy
Nicotine replacement therapy (NRT) can double your chances of success.As well as patches, there are tablets, lozenges, gum and a nasal spray. And if you like holding a cigarette, there are handheld products like the inhalator or e-cigarettes.When you're out, try putting your drink in the hand that usually holds a cigarette, or drink from a straw to keep your mouth busy.
10.Make a list of reasons to quit
Keep reminding yourself why you made the decision to give up. Make a list of the reasons and read it when you need support.
EFFECTS OF SMOKING CIGARETTES
Smoking causes cancer, heart disease, stroke, lung diseases, diabetes, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), which includes emphysema and chronic bronchitis. Smoking also increases risk for tuberculosis, certain eye diseases, and problems of the immune system, including rheumatoid arthritis.
The Effects of Secondhand Smoke
Being around tobacco smoke is bad for you, even if it's someone else's smoke.When someone smokes a cigarette, most of the smoke doesn't go into their lungs. It goes into the air, where anyone nearby can breathe it.Smoking is banned in many public places. But many people are still exposed to secondhand smoke, especially children who live with parents who smoke. Even people who try to be careful about where they light up may not protect those around them.
What Is Secondhand Smoke?
It can come from a cigarette, cigar, or pipe. Tobacco smoke has more than 4,000 chemical compounds, at least 250 are known to cause disease.Exposure to secondhand smoke raises the risk -- by as much as 30 percent -- that others will get lung cancer and many other types of cancer, it can lead to emphysema, and it is bad for your heart. Smoke makes your blood stickier, raises your "bad" LDL cholesterol, and damages the lining of your blood vessels. Eventually, these changes can make you more likely to have a heart attack or stroke.
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“When I look at you, oh, I don’t know what’s real.”
These lyrics echo softly around the room. Dark, enveloping as these times may be, our love for each other just grows stronger. I feel very grateful that I finally found my person. How good it feels to finally be wanted by someone I feel equally as strong for. A rare anomaly.
It hasn’t been easy though. Falling in this kind of love at this point in time. It’s almost as if the universe said: “—well... you got a lot of shit coming, so here, we will throw you this bone but that’s all you get.”
We sit and build gundams together, play Pokémon, magic the gathering, watch adult swim cartoons all day everyday, we both sleep with our favorite stuffed animals, and they sit right on our bed. Our apartment is coming along beautifully. We co-created the space effortlessly. I am so stoked to have a kitchen I can cook in. I’m always cooking or baking something.
My GI issues have gotten better (thankfully) it was truly awful not being able to eat anything. I’ve got my diet down to a science now. I will be sharing recipies periodically for those who are interested. Finally able to start my Etsy store selling vintage. Beautiful Art Deco apartment, room full of plants... we just decorated our Christmas tree last week. Had two people over, it was nice to visit with friends and cook dinner for my guests. I feel so comfortable and at ease here.
My new web series is going to start filming soon. There is a fundraiser on the 21st. I will post links soon as I have them. Got a tripod and light ring for my phone so I can start making more behind the scenes videos for my IG. Need to be proactive. Did make appointments with all my different doctors though. Haven’t worked the last few weeks because the family I work for hot covid. Luckily I had no contact with them, and at first it was nice having time off, but now I’m a little bored I guess. I think I needed this time off though. The universe gave me what I desperately needed. I was really burnt out from working so many hours. Having my entire industry disappear over night... it’s been a hard year for everyone, actors are no exception. Though I have been fortunate to have ongoing projects. I had three acting gigs in 2020, which is more than any of my colleagues... I should be counting my blessings.
2019 was hard. Losing one of my oldest and dearest friends, then watching his mom almost die of a heart attack right in front of me and all Michael’s friends on thanksgiving. Yeah. Traumatic. But nothing could have prepared me for 2020. Between losing my career, meeting the love of my life and then watching their mental health deteriorate from stress. His dad almost dying, my step fathers suicide, covid, isolation from all friends and family, being overworked with virtually no life of my own. Yury getting jumped, rushing him to the ER with his head split open in two different places. No luck finding a place because of our credit. Being diagnosed with GERD, unable to eat anything without being in excruciating pain. Had to give up alcohol and drugs completely, along with coffee, chocolate, gluten, garlic, tomato, onion and anything fried. I lived off lentil soup for six months. Constant panic attacks, being doubled over in pain, clutching my stomach crying constantly. My throat burned from stomach acid. Horrible side effects from the drugs I had to take to keep my acid levels low. Dizzy, heart palpitations, fainting. Panic disorder triggered by reflux. Unable to eat, lost 15 lbs because of this—not in a healthy way. Had to go in for endoscopy, had a biopsy taken of the pollups in my stomach. Luckily no cancer. Have to go to the gynecologist to get checked, dr. Thinks I may not be able to have children, freaking out about that. We’ll see tomorrow... feeling very nervous. My eye sight has gotten significantly worse. I may need surgery for detached retinas. Freaking out about that too. Sigh.
Let’s pull back. I am grateful that I am still being paid even though out of work due to covid, grateful for the sweet, handsome, wonderful man in my life. Every day I thank the universe for him. My family is all healthy and okay. My friends too. I have an ongoing acting project. I just bought a new camera, going to start my YouTube channel. Open my Etsy store. I am grateful for this time off for self reflection and self care. I really needed it.
That’s plenty for now. This was just one long run on sentence, but I felt the need to purge all these thoughts swirling inside my head. Also wanted to explain what had been occupying me the last few months, and why my presence on tumblr has dwindled. I’m still here for you guys though. I promise to get back in the saddle with new and interesting material for you to peruse. Just been a lot.
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How To Improve Your Immunity Quickly
Strengthening your immune system quickly through food or supplements: is that possible?
Can we improve, strengthen, "boost" our resistance, to put it in a modern word?
And if so how?
How fast?
Can we stop the corona virus quickly, by taking vitamins or other supplements? Many people wonder, as a quick look at numerous websites and blogs shows. But miracle cures and miracle foods don't exist, experts warn.
“If there was one foodstuff really amazing, then I would really eat it,” laughs Patrick Mullie, nutrition expert at the VUB. “People always want a black and white answer. But that is difficult. The experts' answer may not sound sexy to fans of fashionable diets. “Miracle cures and miracle nutrition do not exist. There is only miracle behavior. ”
You can now make sure to be as fit as possible and control your weight. We see that obesity really has no beneficial effect on the disease process
Michaël Sels, UZA head dietician-
Nutrition experts and immunologists sound quite unanimous: simply boosting your immune system through supplements, drastic diets or simply tuning in to old folk wisdom does not work. A healthy, varied diet is still the best remedy. But you don't see that effect from one day to the next. “Eating is chronic. We do it every day, three times. Your diet is a matter of repetition. You can only expect a real effect of what you eat if you make long-term choices ”, says Michaël Sels, head dietitian at UZ Antwerp.
In the medium term? Yes
Whether it makes a lot of sense to adjust your diet during this period? In Belgium, 20 percent of people are still obese, and 30 percent are overweight. Those who have weight problems can easily gain weight. It is a good time to reflect. "Losing weight always makes sense, but you have to lose weight smart and cunning," says Patrick Mullie. "We don't go out for dinner, we cook ourselves. Whether we do it sensibly is something else, but now is the time to do something about it."
“There is no food to avoid corona,” agrees Michaël Sels. “But now you can make sure to be as fit as possible and to control your weight as closely as possible. We see that obesity really has no beneficial effect on the disease process. More than 70 percent of patients in intensive care are overweight, ie a BMI over 25. Overweight makes artificial respiration difficult, it causes disrupted sugar levels and higher blood pressure. ”
Many people are now going to cook to make it cozy at home, or to combat boredom. For example, baking with a lot of sugar, or making very tasty things with heavy ingredients, lots of snacks. We're also going to eat emo and stress eating. There is a pitfall there. "So don't put the basket with Easter eggs on the table," says Michaël Sels.
Do all those touted miracle remedies work?
During the epidemic of the Spanish flu 100 years ago, all kinds of stories surfaced about miracle remedies for the disease. That went from disinfecting snake venom (Miller's Antiseptic Snake Oil) to an almost legendary advertisement for Vicks VapoRub. Remedies that at best alleviate the symptoms, but do not cure or prevent the disease. That is no different now. However, the motto now is "boost your immune system". And even now, we are recommended all kinds of tools, especially on social media. You will even find sites that recommend masturbation to fight the virus, but we present the most common ones to the experts.
“In a normal healthy person, supplements have no effect,” says Patrick Mullie. “Many people don't like healthy eating and exercise, taking a pill is easier, you don't have to make any effort. But the effects of those agents are usually not sufficiently proven. Dietary supplements must be proven to be safe, not effective. "
Dietary supplements must be proven to be safe, not effective
Patrick Mullie, nutrition expert-
Michaël Sels explains: “For a long time, research into the effectiveness of food has been conducted in the same way as research into medication: the effects of substances are measured. You give group A a means, group B not, and then you examine the differences. That also happened with omega-3, for example. In the beginning you saw many differences. As the studies progressed, the evidential value of these substances became much less great. If you have no deficiencies, those supplements do nothing in terms of prevention. Nowadays people look more at the diet. And that's not something with an immediate effect. ”
Vitamins and other supplements under the microscope
Vitamin C, for example. Here with us, few people lack it. However, extra supplements are recommended to increase your resistance. "There is a ground of truth in it," says Mullie. “In earlier times, when people had scurvy, you could save lives with an orange. That is not the case with us today. In other regions, where people are malnourished, you can also get great results with vitamin C. There is always an explanation. The following applies here: eat enough fruit and vegetables. ”
Bart Lambrecht is a lung specialist and immunologist. "It doesn't boost your immune system," he says. "But it is an antioxidant that can have an effect on lung damage."
Vitamin C is an antioxidant that can have an effect on lung damage Bart Lambrecht, immunologist and pulmonologist
The immunologist continues: "Vitamin D is a different story, it can certainly help your immune system. But only in high doses. And you have to be very careful with that, because an overdose is very dangerous." Go to your doctor, says common sense, before you start to take vitamins. "You can get your daily dose of vitamin D better from something else," says Michaël Sels. "Outside in the sun with your hands and your face for 15 minutes. is enough, and it is certainly possible now. " Always: if you have no shortages. But you can - again - only have this determined by the doctor.
Selenium and zinc, that's what it's often about. "Sometimes we see deficiencies in humans. It can be interesting for viral infections, but in one cure," says immunologist Bart Lambrecht. Again, for healthy people: there is insufficient evidence to state that you need more than what you need. from a healthy diet. "In the 1990s we thought that selenium was a good antioxidant against cancer," says Mullie. "But that has not been proven. Just like the antibacterial effect of garlic or ginger: this is the case in a dish in a lab, but in a body? Not proven. There is a lot to be made with those "easy" solutions, but there is no proof of their effectiveness. "
Diets-
Miracle diets, such as the now popular ketogenic diet, are also not a good idea. “It doesn't help at all to boost your immunity,” says Patrick Mullie. “It is not a long-term solution, even if you do get results in a short time. But afterwards you get a fierce yo-yo phenomenon. Your body also needs carbohydrates, not only for your muscles but also for your brain. ” So you fall off quickly, but not permanently.
The same fate meets the hyped diet of British pop star Adele and Pippa Middleton, sister of British royal Kate Middleton. The sirtuin diet, “the sirtfood diet”, where you eat plant-based ingredients that stimulate fat burning, promises to help you lose weight quickly and protect you from disease. "Also not." Michaël Sels does not talk much about it.
Then what?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away”, says the saying. Get enough sleep, exercise, don't smoke, avoid stress. Eat healthy. The motto has become a mantra, always the same, almost boring, but it remains irrefutable, and it certainly does now.
“Make sure you eat at least 300 grams of vegetables per day and 250 grams of fruit. Many colors, many types. Half your plate filled with vegetables, a quarter protein, a quarter carbohydrates. Three wholemeal sandwiches in the morning with toppings. And not top with a sandwich. And limit your portions. Build in veggie days. ”
“I like to say it in terms of more, says Sels. “More vegetables. More fruit. We still eat far too little of it in Belgium. More whole grains. Above all, you have to be able to maintain it, because as said: improving your health and maintaining your resistance cannot be done in one day. ”
"So many people are still dying from obesity." It sounds like a call from Patrick Mullie. "Obesity leads to diabetes, cardiovascular disease, cancer, economic absenteeism. There are still 3,000 soft drink vending machines in schools ... It is an interesting time to do something about it. We now see that we can take measures if we want. Use your common sense. "
A healthy, balanced lifestyle to maintain your immune system. For COVID-19, and other nasty illnesses.
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Anonymous asked: Hi! Do you follow some sort of exercise regime? If so, would you mind sharing it? Were you able to stay in shape whilst at university?
Staying fit and living a healthy lifestyle is important to me and I do my best to try and sustain that especially as one gets older. Although compared to how sporty I was during my university days and what I do now is a touchy subject as I fall woefully short. Real world demands of of work and the personal keep sabotaging my good intentions. For me being sporty was less about weight loss and fat gain than about the mental side of being physically fit. The release of oxytocin was natural way to fight any stress or anxiety that we all have to deal with at different times in life. It was about challenging my mind through my body to set goals and have the bloody single mindedness to focus to go beyond them. The benefits were for me developing a mental steeliness and emotional resilience.
As a girl growing up partly in the Far East I learned martial arts which was a very healthy way to keep fit. I did ‘baby’ judo at 4 years onwards which was really about having fun learning to fall over and getting up again. More seriously I then progressed to jiu-jitsu (Japanese and then later in life Brazilian style) and Kendo (I fell in love with the Samurai heritage living in Japan). I dabbled in other forms of martial arts over the subsequent years but nothing too seriously. In India, as a teen, I started to do yoga. Don’t laugh but yoga (not the Californian bohemian kind from the 60s that’s been mainstreamed into the modern Western bourgeois lifestyle) really gets you fit. You can leave aside the more questionable spiritual side of it and still enjoy the physical and emotional benefits of yoga as I still do.
At boarding school I still carried on with martial arts but also did ski-ing (very Swiss) and cross-country ski-ing (very Norwegian). I did do lacrosse and field hockey naturally - partly because we were forced to - but I ended up breaking a few bloody noses and bruised shins because I was overly competitive and I hated losing. I enjoyed the camaraderie but it wasn’t really my métier. Instead I did a lot of fencing and that required focus, agility, speed, and good bum muscles! Mountaineering and hiking were my outdoor escapes from being suffocated inside school walls.
So by the time I reached university I was already somewhat sporty. At university I primarily did field hockey and also modern pentathlon. Modern pentathlon includes the five disciplines of running, shooting, horse riding, fencing, and swimming. I did all five disciplines separately growing up as a girl. I grew up with horses but I would be the first to say I wasn’t a natural rider. Swimming and running I loved to do in the open countryside. Swimming in the sea, river, or a fjord was heaven because I disliked crowded public swimming pools. Running over semi-long distances was really my bread and butter of staying fit and mentally resilient. I also carried on my martial arts of jiu-jitsu and Kendo. University was the only time I ever really went close to hardcore in the gym but out of duty rather than love.
The Norwegian winter sport of Skiskyting (now called biathlons) was something I did from the time I was almost 11 years old. During my university years I did it less because I could only do it in Norway and not in England where I was studying. Skiskyting is simply cross country skiing and rifle shooting (the rifle you carry on your back as you ski) over 12 km or so. Like most Norwegians, I was born with skis, and so I took to Skiskyting like a duck to water. If my father had taught me fencing (very British army), my Norwegian mother is the one who showed me her Norwegian traditions - she’s always had been a very good skier. I love to ski and in Norway we do lots of ski walking which really gets you fit.
Coming up to the present day I have reduced my activity to fit around other demands on my time especially with work and travel. It’s been a constant juggling act because when you live in a big city and you have a demanding career with long hours (as well as travel) then it becomes more tough to adapt and sustain a healthy routine.
I still dislike gyms. Even to this day I try and avoid them if I can. I can’t stand the overflowing testosterone and the social posing. Overhead music is a huge turn off for me. I prefer the solitude of my own thoughts if I can and not listen to blaring music.
These days my daily routine always begins with morning yoga - partly because I have to. To avoid muscle cramp as a result of of an old back and knee injury from my past Army days I have to keep supple and flexible as much as I can. Even when I travel and I stay in a hotel I’ll do yoga in my hotel room - I won’t do it in the hotel gym and spa - so I’ll steal/liberate a yoga mat from there and stash it in my hotel room.
I try to do a 5 km run every other day. I love doing this because it helps me to release the oxytocin and this puts me in a good mood for the start of my day. I feel free and unbound when I am running. I get my best ideas to solving problems when I am running. It doesn’t matter if I am traveling as I will get out of the cocoon of the hotel and just go out for a run (as I dislike hitting the tread mill inside the hotel gym). To me, a great way to discover a city is by getting lost in it. At home in Paris, the Bois de Boulogne isn’t far for me to do my run. In the park I’ll do sets of crunches and squats. If I have a breakfast meeting then I’ll switch my run to lunch time or after I finish work I will do a late night run. I’m fortunate that I can shower at work if I need to.
Every other day when I’m not running I will cycle into work which gives me an alternative cardio work out. I supplement this by going swimming twice every week but I do that at a private health club and on a day when I haven’t done my 5 km run.
I continue to keep up my martial arts by joining martial arts club to do Brazilian jui-jitsu and Kendo. I also keep my fencing up by joining a club. I attend when I can, usually weekly. Both martial arts and fencing are a good way to keep fit and mentally alert.
Every two weeks I’ll play a game of squash with friends at a sports club as we’re part of an informal squash ladder. It’s a fun way to stay healthy and chill out with friends.
Every calendar year I will do a charity half marathon - there are plenty in France such as breast cancer - often with a friend. I’ll do it because it’s firstly for a good cause and secondly it forces me to have a set goal and and so my running and training regime will reflect that.
Every year I set myself a goal of competing in 2-3 amateur/semi-professional triathlons spread out in the calendar year - usually in the middle of rural France. The best way to train on technique is by joining a regional club/team. I enjoy the friendly camaraderie when we travel for the events together. The great thing about this is the age range from super fit teens to avid competitors into their 50s from different walks of life. It’s very down to earth and there’s no peer pressure other than the goals you set for yourself.
Every year I also set a goal of doing 1-2 biathlons in Norway. Again, I do that by joining a semi-professional club in Norway and I’ll go to compete when it fits around my seasonal calendar. I love this because it allows me the rare treat of just being Norwegian and forgetting everything else of being English or thinking like the French. So I love the Norwegian dry humour and the laid back friendly atmosphere of being back even if the food is barely edible!
Speaking of food, as you well know there’s no point going on any exercise regime if you don’t address the other half of the equation: a healthy diet. The truth is you can cut out more calories from what you eat than you can burn with exercise. Exercise and diet go together hand in glove. For me this is an extra challenge. Contrary to what you might think just because you live in Paris doesn’t mean you dine on gourmand food every day. The days of 2 hour lunches with wine are fading away and giving way to grabbing ‘le sandwich’. In fact, there are worrying culinary habits from American culture which is dictating bad eating habits especially amongst the young. The temptation to buy processed food and use the microwave or grab a takeaway is too much for some. It’s also true many young Parisians simply don’t know how to cook.
Speaking personally I love cooking and one of my weekend rituals is to go to a local farmer’s market and buy fresh vegetables, fruit, and lean meat for the week. Cooking helps me to ‘power down’ from the stress of work. I enjoy the ritual of trying out new recipes and putting on small intimate dinner parties or cooking for loved ones at the weekend. To me it’s a lame excuse to say you can’t whip up a quick healthy meal when you come home after a hard day at work. You can. You can buy ingredients and prepare food ahead of time. Make up a rough menu for the week and plan ahead. There are plenty of recipes to healthy eating for the week.
My biggest challenge when it comes to diet is saying no to good food when I dine out. One of the side effects of my work is that I have to attend quite a few business dinners with corporate clients. So it’s nearly always a well regarded restaurant. It would be rude to say no to the fine food. I enjoy good food - one reason why I like living here in Paris - and if I get the opportunity to dine at a great restaurant then I’m not sticking to a celery stick and mineral water. I do try to be sensible about what I eat when I dine out. I’m not a freak in the sense that I’m counting calories in my head but I do reason to myself that if I gorge on cake here then I better make up for it over there, perhaps a few extra laps of the pool. I love wine - as I also like whisky and other drinks - but I limit the number of glasses by also taking mineral water and herbal tea instead. I smoke cigars on occasion so I adjust my exercise routine accordingly.
I am also sometimes guilty of cheating myself out of a good night’s sleep because of meeting some work related deadline or my body clock is off because of travel jet lag. So I try and make it up some where because rest is so important. The point is to know your body and know your limitations. Above all, be reasonable and be kind to yourself.
There’s an old maxim I learned from my army days. No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy. This is true in life too. So plan your exercise and diet regime with that in mind. How we stay fit and healthy depends largely on our environment so there is a difference between being a university student in a dorm room with a bad case of the munchies and an essay crisis, and being a harassed mother with kids to feed and who want MacDonalds and candy in the suburbs, or a young person taking first steps in a first job on the career ladder and resorting to late night microwave dinners. Social media environment keeps pushing perfect body memes which again is unrealistic so don’t let that be the benchmark of defining success. The key is get real. Set realistic goals and break it down to a level manageable for you.
One can instil good habits that are healthy and sustainable. If I was in your position I would first see a nutritionist to explain and educate you about food groups. He or she would tell you where you can get your nutritional requirements from a wider variety of foods according to your means and availability. You also can get an idea of where you can have your pizza or your cake and not feel guilty about it.
Get a nutrition plan and take it to your gym - I know, I know, I said I hate gyms and I do but you might not. A good gym will have competent personal trainers on hand. They can draw up an exercise plan based on the nutrition plan and also listening to your expectations that is hopefully based on realistic goals. I’m not suggesting you have a personal trainer on retainer. But you only need one lesson for him/her to draw up a plan for you to follow. The rest will be up to you and how you motivate yourself. You may find the grind of going to the gym of doing cardio one day and actual gym work the next too much. Fine, find other things outside of the gym that you will enjoy and get you comparatively fit and doesn’t bore you. If you find it hard to motivate yourself then do it with a friend.
Once you start to enjoy it and see the benefits of it, it will no longer feel like a turgid routine but just a growing habit towards leading a more healthy lifestyle.
Thanks for your question
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Oh man, I feel a long winded post coming. I have so many things I’ve been processing in my mind, and I think I’ve come up with how I feel about them, and now want to regurgitate it to the masses so I can move on.
To start, I’ve been seeing so many things on ‘diet culture’ and quite frankly, it kind of pisses me off. I for one, do not think it’s ‘diet culture’ to try and eat healthfully and exercise. Chatting about it with likeminded individuals is part of free speech. It’s socially shifted that if you do try to take care of yourself and mention it to someone, you are ‘fat shaming’ and that’s BS. What I choose to do for myself, doesn’t concern you.
Medically speaking, I’m classified as obese. I’m going to share some accountability pics later in this post, because I don’t see myself as being obese, but our culture envelopes that ‘you should be fine however you’re comfortable’ and that’s not necessarily true. Being overweight has health consequences, maybe not at the current time, but it puts stress on your organs, so me trying to get to a more ‘ideal’ weight for my height, isn’t me being obsessed with my weight, it’s me trying to be healthy in my 70s both for my hubs and my future, the kids and for myself. High blood pressure, diabetes, increased risk of cancer and stroke.... if I can avoid these, im going to try, and also, I FEEL better when I make more health focused nutrition and cardio decisions for myself. Am I shaming anyone? No! I’m also not celebrating Lizzo, even though I think she’s confident and I admire that.
That being said, I don’t think of myself as obese like I mentioned, I like to term it ‘fluffy’ and I make excuses, but bottom line, I know I eat junk and don’t prioritize working out, and that’s why I’m bigger, not because ‘I’m comfortable where I am so deal with it.’ I’m beyond frustrated that despite fasting, doing my best to get in 2 runs and 2 yoga sessions a week, I often can’t, and as a result, I’ve been stuck at this same weight for a year. This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself as I’ve certainly made progress and I try to be gentle because I am a working mom of 2 young kids and I’m married and have a house, however, it is what it is and I’m going to keep trying. Not going backwards takes effort too!
***but, me talking about it, working on it, etc does not make me a part of ‘diet culture’ it makes me health conscious
Moving on, my flipping MIL. I don’t know where I last left off about that trick. Where we are now, is that they pretty much don’t have the kids at all. We pick them up, jamis is doing so much better in the after school program, burning off energy, and he’s better behaved out of that environment. Husband too, is in better spirits not having to see them 4 or more times per week. We’ve signed jamis up for a summer program that is active and educational, which means they won’t have him (my in-Laws) 5 days a week, and they are ‘devastated.’
My hubs is trying to meet them in the middle and takes the kids over for dinner on Tuesdays while I’m at yoga. The past couple weeks, she has told him, my husband, that she’s ‘disappointed’ in him for his decisions. All stemming around child care and raising. She doesn’t think he’s a good dad when he has the kids because he’s busy multitasking, she doesn’t think he’s a good dad when the kids are over at their house so that he can focus on other things. He’s talked to her about what disappointment means, and she assures him she knows what it means and that is how she feels. So I’ve told him, when she does that, to just say ok and change the subject. Well she continues to say it and it’s disrespectful to talk shit about us in front of our 5 year old a, and b, jamis thinks she’s mean, and doesn’t want to go over there because ‘she says mean things about my daddy.’
I’ve tried to talk to her and kindly steer her into healthy communication and if you’ve followed at all, you know this is long lived. Now, I’ve said to Chris, that if she pulls that shit again, tell her you’re disappointed in her, for trying to be emotionally manipulative and a harpy. For Pete’s sake. There’s nothing else to do except cut them out, and I really don’t want to do that, because I don’t want jamis to think he can do that to us one day, but it’s also not healthy for him to see us ok with them being completely disrespectful and down right hateful towards my husband. As a parent, I can’t understand it, at all. Chris works hard, he’s a family man whose only vice is taking pictures as a hobby. He isn’t a cheater, doesn’t drink, no drugs, isn’t out at all hours, And to top it off, she’s lost a kid, so more than anyone else, she should get how finite our days are and that we aren’t promised unlimited time with our loved ones. I feel like Bernie Mac saying ‘what gives America?’
I think to sum it up, I’ll ask about everyones opinions on 3rd row seating cars. With both of ours, we don’t have space for more than 5 people, and when you add in the car seats, really only the 4 of us comfortably. As Jamis is getting older, we realize that there are going to be times when he wants a friend to come, or we want to include a cousin, or whatever. With our current situation, we would have to take 2 cars. So, we have my Prius, which is great for my commute and won’t be going anywhere, or the outback, which is hubs, and he works local, and will be the one to trade in. I suggested the accent (?), the Subaru’s 3rd row option, because jeeps yeah not workable, the 4Runner is too big for the garage and gets shit gas mileage and he doesn’t like the highlander or minivans. What say you? Any experience or thoughts?
Back to positivity, I successfully fasted for 20 hours and did 30 minutes of fasted cardio. It was an awesome run, really hit my groove and I always feel like I should get extra credit when I workout on my lunch break... alas, that’s not a thing. Broke my fast with fried eggs over toast and sautéed mushrooms and it was SO AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS.
I think griping can be a way of life and I so don’t want to be that person, however here in Tumblr land, no one KNOWS me personally, so I can just air it out, and hopefully keep it sunshine and bubbles in my day to day grind.
Keep being amazing xx
#east nashville#working mom#health#mom of 2#humor#nashville#tennessee#fat shaming#diet#getting fit#fasting#intermittent fasting#16/8#extended fasts#weight loss#clean eating#cardio#running#yoga#priorities#make yourself a priority#keep trying#frustrated#inlaws#marriage#best suvs#family of four#momming#having kids#planning ahead
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