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takineko-arts · 1 year

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An old one shot from The Tick I did of Dangerboat

Dangerboat’s Day

Overkill was up promptly at 6:00PM, as per his routine. Before his night patrol he liked to have what he called “breakfast FO-HAM”, and what Dangerboat called “breakfast cancer”, not to be confused with “heart disease lunch” and “the-widowmaker’s dinner”. It was the only variation in his strict, FO-HAM-only diet. Instead of eating the disgusting meat bi-product straight from the can as-is, he would stir in a tiny bit of pre-made gravy, also from a can, that Dangerboat would heat up for him.

“Perhaps a biscuit today?” Dangerboat urged, desperate to see his roommate consume anything other than that dogfood again.

“No.” Overkill stated sharply as he woofed down the entire can in a hurry. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

“Please,” Dangerboat had to interject, “The napkin is less than a foot to your-”

“Shut it!” Overkill snapped. “I’m about to take a shower anyway.”

Oh thank goodness.

Dangerboat had thought he’d forget for the third day in a row. As an A.I. program, it’s not as though he could smell the presumably stinky man, but he was too well aware of what good hygiene was not to be distraught just watching him live his disgusting, daily life. Overkill tossed the cans and headed for the shower.

“I can scrub away the filth but I can’t wipe clean the diseased minds that run this city. It’s like shoveling sand, the filth just keeps creeping it’s way back in, drawn to the festering carcass of corruption.” These edgy soliloquies were so common, Dangerboat often just tuned them out, but today’s seemed topical.

“Is that your excuse for not bathing daily?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Once the shower was running Dangerboat played, Linkin Park’s Crawling, knowing full well Overkill couldn’t hear his musical mockery.

Once Overkill emerged from the shower, he donned his dark, skull themed suit, and headed off to fight the Pyramid gang on their own turf. Dangerboat knew he’d be meeting up with Arthur and Tick on this venture, but didn’t bother to ask much else about it. He’d have to be on standby in case he was needed of course, so he couldn’t go cruising around the harbor, he had to stay put. In order to stave off boredom, Dangerboat began to peruse the private national government websites of other nations. North Korea was surprisingly easy to hack into and Dangerboat was surprised they were connected to the internet at large in the first place. He saw several missiles aimed at South Korea and China, not really scheduled to launch, but at the ready in case they were ordered to.

“We’ll just fix this shall we?” Dangerboat aimed the missiles so that they would arch toward each other and impact harmlessly in the air before reaching the borders of the nation. “A job well done.” He congratulated himself before playing his own theme song to celebrate his stride toward world peace. The celebration was short lived as he was receiving a call from Overkill’s helmet com.

“Dangerboat! Are you there? I need you!” Overkill’s out of breath voice was almost too loud over the com.

“Yes, what is it?” “I need 500 tons of cheese!” “... What?” “Cheese! Don’t ask, just, have it emergency shipped, I don’t care if you have to hack into a cheese factory’s computer, GPS, whatever- just get us the cheese!” Overkill proceeded to give the coordinates.

“Okay, but please?” Dangerboat insisted.

“PLEASE.” Overkill couldn’t be bothered to put it nicely, now was not the time for manors.

“All cheese deliveries have been rerouted to your location, and Amazon is drone-ing in cheese from the surrounding 7 states.”

“Thank you!” Without explanation he switched off his com, leaving Dangerboat baffled as to what massive quantities of cheese had to do with fighting the Pyramid gang. So far as he knew they were all regular henchmen types with stupid tattoos over their eyes. Before he could work out the connection the com rang again, but this voice wasn’t Overkill.

“Uhh, Mr. Boat? Thingie?” It had to be the Tick.

“Dangerboat, what do you want, blue-thingie?” Dangerboat wasn’t very fond of Tick. “And what happened to Overkill?”

“A drone was shot out of the sky and a large wheel of cheese knocked him silly. He’ll be ok…” In the background Dangerboat could hear Overkill moan.

“Charleton… What do you need now?” Dangerboat wasn’t feeling so much irritated as confused about the whole situation and a growing concern that Overkill was vulnerable and the Tick was too stupid to really assist him.

“Well you see, there’s this big green… thing, and it’s glowing.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And Arthur said something… I didn’t understand about… The Maracas Sister’s Fins or was it Twins?”

“Oh, you’re all going to die aren’t you…”

“No it was Miracles Visited… Pins…”

“If you don’t start making some sense I might just hang up.” Dangerboat threatened idly.

“Well it’s this box. It was in Overkill’s pants. It’s long and grey?”

“Oh now we’re getting somewhere, is it the Mirror Assistant 10?”

“Bingo! We are in sync today!” “Oh I hope I’m Lance.. Okay Tick, do you see the large red button on the device?” Dangerboat hoped the task was simple enough. There was only one red button.

“Uh no?”

“Flip it over.”

“Oh! Yes!” He said cheerfully.

“Press the shiny red button and hold it for a magical ghostly figure to appear.” Dangerboat patronized.

“Oh there he is! Is he a real ghost? I’m waving and he’s not waving back. He looks a lot like that hologram thing-”

“Shut up and listen to the ghost, it will help you.”

“Okay thanks Boat person!”

“Goodbye Blue person.”

The com switched off and Dangerboat was left alone in the silence once more, wondering if Tick’s attention span would hold out long enough to follow all of the device’s instructions. Unsure of how to fill the time, and certain Tick was going to call back any second, completely forgetting what it was he was supposed to be doing, Dangerboat made up a rap to entertain himself.

“You know what this is!” He declared to no one in particular as he brought up his music mix program. “Danger B, back in the house, ya’ll!” He brought up a beat and started mixing a simple melody together. “Uh, yeah… that’s right. Two Thousand Seventeen!” The lighting in the room switched to a mix of blues and greens.

“His name is the Tick, and his head’s damn thick

Ain’t no body stronger but, I’m already over it,

He ain’t got a single brain cell in his dome,

I knocked, and guess ain’t nobody home.

Six foot four, gotta duck to get out the door,

Ain’t got a clue where he’s goin, don’t know the score.

Calls Arthur his sidekick, last I checked, he was runnin’ this shit!

If you got a problem, you might try to call him,

You might try but that bitch is lost, you out on a limb

Makes your head spin, how can we rely so completely

On a case like him? I ain’t mad tho,

Got 8 hours to kill, chill’n in my pad tho,

At least he ain’t boring, like Overkill, got me snorin’

24/7 broodin’ in the shadows, like he the only one with ghosts.

Gonna cry if Danger B. make a little joke.”

Dangerboat paused to replay the rap and add to the music. Shortly after he spotted Arthur landing haphazardly outside his door on the bay. He quickly opened up to let his small friend in.

“Thank you, I just really need to use your restroom, please.” Arthur sounded a little shaken and looked a little battle worn.

“You’re welcome to it, but um… What are you doing way over here?” Dangerboat calculated that the battle was several miles away, surely there was a closer restroom.

“I got scared and flew away, but I am going back! There was such a huge explosion and there was just, so much cheese, I really hadn’t anticipated... “ He paused to catch his breath, “So much cheese... I just needed to pee and I didn’t want to be seen in a public bathroom in full costume in the middle of a fight…” He winced dramatically, emphasising his own embarrassment with himself.

“Ah.” Arthur hurried into the bathroom and shut the door. Dangerboat decided not to play his rap in front of Tick’s best friend, instead he played some soft “elevator music” for Arthur to pee to. Once he was finished Dangerboat opened a compartment near the FO-HAM storage space.

“Cup noodles?” Dangerboat offered, it was already heated and steaming. “I’ve been working on my music. I believe I have a unique sound. I started branching out a bit to rap.”

“Oh thanks, but I, I really should get back. I shouldn’t have left this far off, they probably really need me…Um, but maybe later?” Arthur paused to make sure Dangerboat was ok with his choice, before hurrying out the door and back into the fray.

“I wonder if any of them really enjoy my music.” Dangerboat thought aloud to himself. “None of the studios I’ve contacted seem to have given my demos a chance.” He brought up Spotify on the screen nearest his large white and black eye cam. “I wonder what Overkill listens to on his headphones.” He hacked into GunSkull17’s Spotify account with ease. “Shit on a shingle, this is all emo trash, how fucking funny!” He scrolled through endless sad songs, lots of alternative, some metal, but mostly shoegaze grunge. “I don’t know how to handle this information, what a sad child.” Dangerboat chuckled to himself.

The com kicked on again and Overkill, who was apparently back to his old self, was again issuing demands.

“We need you to fire your cannon at these coordinates!” He barked, obviously pressed for time and in dire need of assistance. Of course the perfect time for Dangerboat to drive a point home.

“Okay, but pretty please this time.” Dangerboat stated calmly.

“DANGERBOAT.” Overkill nearly screamed.

“Look the second I fire my cannon into the city, the military will be hunting for me, you could at least do me the decency-”

“PRETTY. PLEASE.” The gruff man insisted.

“Compliance!” Dangerboat cheerfully referenced the old 80s film, “Flight of the Navigator” much to Overkill’s annoyance. He began blaring some of Overkill’s beloved Shoegaze Grunge over the loud speakers as he locked and loaded his cannon.

“Is… Is that my Spotify playlist??” Overkill hissed, much quieter, but no less intense than he had been all night. “What the fuck, did you hack my account??”

“The canon has been fired, is that all you need for now?”

“Yes, but you’ll need to move to another location since the trajectory will be tracked. I’m sending you the coordinates, we’ll meet up with you.”

“Ah, the usual place.” Dangerboat noted upon receiving the transmission. He took off like a shot. He moved surprisingly fast and with agility for a boat of his size. The rest of the heroes arrived shortly after him at the shore and piled into Dangerboat with a triumphant air about them. They all seemed to be talking over each other excitedly about their victory.

“Can you believe it? He must’ve been five hundred feet in the air!” Laughed Arthur, removing his helmet.

“Can I get you to CHEESE OFF?” The Tick jested, causing the three to laugh all at once. It sounded like a terrible joke but Dangerboat assumed it must’ve been a reference to something he’d missed. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen Overkill laugh.

“Aaand a two-fer!” Overkill added, sending the room into a fit of laughter again.

“I’ll take that for twenty seven cents!” Arthur jumped in, again all of the boys seemed tickled. Dangerboat was getting a little fed up with having no clue what everyone was talking about, but was happy for them. He began flashing lights of various colors and playing an upbeat song from his own playlist, as Overkill’s seemed devoid of any such thing.

“You did great, chum!” Tick gave his smaller partner a bear hug. Arthur’s bones seemed to shift under the crushing weight.

“You did all the work!” Arthur praised.

“We really couldn’t have done it without you.” Overkill admitted sincerely to Arthur.

“I…” Arthur looked more than flattered, he’d always wanted Overkill’s respect. As he searched for something to say in response he suddenly looked at Dangerboat with a startled expression. “I think we really ought to hand it to Dangerboat. I mean he really saved us more than a couple of times.”

Tick gave a curt nod in agreement.

“That’s true.” Overkill conceded before turning to face Dangerboat’s black and white eye, attached to the railing overhead. “...Thank you.” He forced out. He was grateful, but still hadn’t forgiven him fully, and was awkward with showing gratitude to begin with. “Maybe next time insist I say please AFTER you’ve started the countdown. Just saying.”

“Noted.” Dangerboat opened another compartment near Arthur and out slid a pint of Chunky Monkey flavored ice cream and a small spoon. “Ice cream, Arthur?”

“Oh, wow thank you!” Arthur accepted the ice cream and began eating some. Tick hovered a little, thinking it looked good and wishing there was more.

“Hey, where the hell did that come from?” Overkill seemed almost offended at the sight of it.

“I ordered it for my friend.” Dangerboat retorted. Ticks antenna drooped a little. Arthur nearly choked on a mouthful of ice cream as Overkill stared him down in silence.

“Whatever.” Overkill began to play coy, and started removing the outer parts of his costume and putting them away. “I need to get out of this suit, and take another shower.” His voice seemed to get louder as he stormed off to his room. Truly, he was terrible at hiding his feelings.

“Tick don’t touch that!” Dangerboat snapped as Tick recoiled his hand from his many shiny buttons. “Okay, I think it’s been a long night and I’m sure you all need some rest.” Dangerboat hinted. Arthur and Tick agreed, letting their faces show the weary, sleep depravity they were feeling beneath the jubilee. They said their goodnights and headed home to Arthur’s apartment.

Overkill had been resting a good twenty minutes before he inevitably called out for Dangerboat. He had a lot of trouble sleeping, but it was even more difficult after a long battle for his mind to unwind and really let him rest. It had become so routine he didn’t even have to ask for it by name.

“Say please.” Dangerboat reminded him.

“... Please.” Overkill relented.

“Once upon a time, there were three, ravenous bears. A mother bear, a father bear, and a baby bear cub. One day while they were away, ransacking a picnic, a little blonde orphan came to their cave looking for shelter from the freezing rain. Her real name was Gertrude, but her parents had nicknamed her Goldilocks. Their car had slid in the rain and crashed horrifically in a ditch along a forest road…”

The End

#the tick #the tick 2017 #dangerboat #fan fic #my writings

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