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piratewithvigor · 3 years

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My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station

ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band

Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along

Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady

Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof

Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY

Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to

Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name

Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares

Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy

Asia: Tuesdays

Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny

Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company

Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith

Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD

Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy

Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different

Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically

Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL

Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you

Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS

Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life

Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural

Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about

Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty

Bush: ditto

Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?

Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic

Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with

Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that

Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”

Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better

Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right

Collective Soul: who?

Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not

Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*

CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*

CSNY: David Crosby; meh

Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER

Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one

Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up

Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest

Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio

Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor

Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close

Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth

Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none

Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia

Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison

ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule

Essex, David: no prominent memories of him

Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell

Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?

Faith No More: I got nothing

Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop

Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential

Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself

Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip

Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill

Ford, Lita: deserved better

Foreigner: dramatically overplayed

Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box

Free: dramatically underplayed

Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot

Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter

Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass

Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does

Grand Funk Railroad: Funk

Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music

Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes

Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason

Green Day: the first of the emo revolution

Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen

Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that

Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?

Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool

Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names

Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!

Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references

Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration

Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time

Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself

INXS: Terminator vibes

Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison

James Gang: too many funks

Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative

Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*

Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*

Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute

Jett, Joan: icon

J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played

Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that

John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name

John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me

Joplin, Janis: Queen

Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire

Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic

Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole

Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically

Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject

Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes

Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)

Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons

Live: I got nothin

Living Colour: slap a decent amount

Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track

Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD

McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple

Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf

Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987

Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon

Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot

Modern English: who?

Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes

Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT

Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it

Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie

Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’

Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one

Nicks, Stevie: witch queen

Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill

Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed

Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least

Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*

Offspring: nothing here

Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy

Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard

Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money

Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*

Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good

Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?

Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled

Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’

Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say

Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig

Queensryche: neutral opinion

Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that

Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music

Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent

Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it

Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it

RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)

Red Rider: basically Golden Earring

Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull

REM: American Tragically Hip

REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title

Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie

Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit

Santana: The world needs more Santana

Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend

Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say

Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)

Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you

Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us

Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater

Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it

Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know

Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having

Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison

Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan

Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions

Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard

Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015

Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable

Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself

Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them

Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously.

Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt

Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to

Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’

Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth

Ten Years After: somehow still relevant

Tesla: not the car or the dude

The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them

The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her

The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul

The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names

The Kinks: kinky

The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile

The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours

The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have

The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it

The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s

Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?

Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern

Toto: the most memed song behind All Star

Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds

T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon

Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush

Tubes: like the yogurt

Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it

U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways

Van Halen: RIP Eddie

Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?

Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn

Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get

War: Foghat, but even groovier

Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis

Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene

Yes: To Be Continued

Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY

Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand

ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged.

3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever

38 Special: Why 38?

#I made this instead of doing homework #Classic Rock #Meme

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change-the-world-someday · 4 years

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Don’t You Go

@ogmilkis asks:

hey i love your writing b (your last one(all of them really) was *chefs kiss*)💕 would you be willing to do 10 from the John Mulaney promt list?? no specifics i just wanna see what you do with it 😂

A/N: You're very kind about my work, thank you :). Keep sending these requests in, guys, they really help my imagination run.

Prompt: 10. “I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

BAU x GN!Teen!Reader (Platonic)

Summary: Your parents are linked with four murders around town. However, things aren’t as rosey as they seem in your house...

⚠️TW⚠️ Child abuse mentioned, General Criminal Minds things, Murder mentioned

Masterlist

—•—

You shift in the uncomfortable seat, your wrists aching from the handcuffs. You play with your hands, fiddling with the ring on your right hand, twirling it and shifting it up and down your middle finger.

You weren't planning on being caught. Hell, you weren't planning on stealing in the first place, but life has a way of twisting things and somehow pulling the worst from every situation. You just needed something to eat and drink.

The door opens and your head snaps up and two people walk in. There's a younger, pale woman with blonde hair and an older man who's more tan with grey, swept-back hair. They take a seat opposite you and the man opens a file.

"So, Y/N L/N, the only child of Sandy and Darren L/N. Do you mind telling us why you were stealing from the store?"

You sit back and sigh. You don't say a word. The woman who asked the question huffs, making the older man place a hand on her shoulder.

"Okay, let's try something else," he starts. "JJ, do you mind leaving us for a few minutes?"

The blonde, JJ, nods and stands, leaving to presumably stand behind the one-way glass you’ve been staring at intently since you were forced into the interrogation room.

"My name's Dave Rossi. Now, why did your parents hide you from us? I mean, surely you know your parents are under investigation..."

Your attention is grabbed by this, and though you try not to show it, Rossi picks up on the subtle shift in body language. "Wait, you don't know?"

You speak up. "N-No. I b-barely see them."

Rossi raises an eyebrow. "Is that why you were in the store, trying to steal some food from the top shelf?" He bites back a smirk as he remembers how you were caught—you were trying to reach the top shelf and fell into it, crashing to the ground and your backpack opening, spilling out stolen food.

"Look, I'm very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under," you scoff out, still playing with your jewellery. Rossi leans forward a little, trying to close the gap between you.

"Don't your parents give you money for food?" Rossi asks. You shrug.

"They spend it...elsewhere," you reply and try to stop fidgeting. "I don't see them, and they don't tell me anything."

Rossi nods and pulls something out of his pocket; a key. "They must hurt." You nod and lean forward, letting Rossi unlock the cuffs. You smile a little, muttering a quiet 'thank you' before you rub your wrists, soothing them. That feels better.

"Are they ever around?" Dave asks. His tone of voice has shifted from slightly harsh to softer, almost fatherly. You shake your head and Rossi sighs. He leans back.

"Is there anywhere you can stay while we investigate your parents?" You shake your head again. "Okay. We can keep you here until the shopkeeper decides if she wants to press charges. We can make sure you're fed, too."

Rossi gets up and walks out, leaving you behind. He bumps into his team in the other room, who was watching through the one-way mirror.

"What are we going to do?" He asks Hotch. The unit chief sighs.

"The shopkeeper doesn't want to press charges. Y/N’s known for stealing small amounts of food from shops around town. They tend to just ignore it since they know what their parents are like. I say we keep them here, make sure they’re comfortable at least, and then we can see what Garcia's pulled up on the parents." Hotch gives the rundown and the team nod.

Suddenly, his phone rings. He picks up. "Garcia? What have you got?"

He puts her on speaker. "Sir, it turns out Y/N’s parents are related to the distribution of heroin around the country and guess what? Three of our four victims were involved in it too," she explains quickly, keyboard clacking in the background.

"And what about the fourth, baby girl?" Morgan asks.

"She knew the mother."

"It did seem that the fourth victim was a more personal attack. She was stabbed fifteen times more than the rest," Spencer pipes up. Hotch nods.

"Okay, thanks, Garcia," Hotch thanks and hangs up, turning back to his team.

"Morgan and Prentiss, I want you to go to the house with a warrant and search top to bottom. Check Y/N’s room, too. JJ, release a statement to the press that we want to find these two. Dave, you're with me. We'll search the town and go over the crime scenes, see if there's anything the police missed. Reid, I want you to stay with Y/N. You're the youngest and they'll probably be less standoffish with you. Try and ask them some questions about their parents and the fourth victim. JJ, join him after."

Everyone goes their separate ways and Reid goes back into the interrogation room. You look up and relax a little, seeing it isn't the local PD.

"Hi Y/N, I'm Spencer," the young man introduces himself. You nod.

"Hi," you mumble.

"Do you want anything to eat or drink? We can get you pretty much anything," Spencer asks. You think for a minute and nod.

"C-Can I have some...ramen, please?" You ask shyly. Spencer gives a bright smile and nods, quickly texting JJ to pick something up.

"Can I ask you some questions please?" The doctor asks. "You don't have to answer any if you don't want to, but it could help us."

You think before nodding, messing with your ring again. "C-Can you..." You trail off.

"Can I?" Spencer asks.

"Do you have...something I can mess with, p-please? The ring's hurting my finger." Spencer nods and digs into his pocket, pulling out a set of keys and handing them over.

"They okay?" You nod. "Okay. Do you know Caitlyn?"

Silence. You’ve stopped messing with the keys. You nod. "How?"

"She...She's my friend. She told me..." You pause. "She told me she'd help me get away."

Spencer nods. "Get away from where?"

"My...my parents," you finish, messing with Spencer's keys again.

"Did your parents ever...come home with blood on them?"

You look down and nod. "When did that start?"

"Erm..." you think, "a-about a month ago. I wasn't allowed t-to ask." Your hands start to shake. "They...they..."

"Hey, Y/N? You're okay. Everything's okay," Spencer starts to reassure you. "They can't get you. You're okay."

You let out a shuddering breath and nod. Suddenly, the door opens and you jump out of his skin. It's the blonde woman from before, and she's holding a cup of ramen, steaming, with a plastic fork sticking up in it.

"Spencer? Hotch wants to talk to you," she says. The young agent nods and leaves, letting JJ take his seat. She hands you the ramen and you give a grateful nod, slurping it.

"S-Sorry," you mutter. JJ gives a soft smile and shakes her head.

"It's alright. I don't mind," she replies. You nod and continue eating, only stopping to take a breath now and then. In five minutes, the food's gone.

"W-Where is everyone?" You ask after a little while. JJ looks up from her phone, pausing the video you’re watching together.

"Well, Spencer's with Hotch, and the other one you've met, Rossi, is talking with the police to see if we can get you a bed set up in here. It would mean you don't have to go to the cells and you don't have to sleep in that chair," she explains.

"Hotch?"

"He's our boss. His name's Aaron, but Hotch is his nickname. Do you have a nickname?"

You shake your head. "N-Not really. My parents call me names, but n-not a nickname."

"How about N/N?" JJ asks. You think about it for a moment, before a small smile breaks out on your face.

"I-I like that," you mutter. "Yeah."

"N/N suits you, kid," a voice says from the door. You look up to see Rossi. He's holding a folding camp bed in his arms. Behind him is a sterner-looking man with a blanket and pillow. "We've got you a bed. None of us want you to go to your parents' house, and CPS can't come until morning."

You nod and lean back, playing with something in your hands.

"What you got there?" The other man asks.

"K-Keys," you reply. His eyes narrow.

"They're mine," someone says; Spencer. "I gave them to them to play with."

"S-Sorry. You c-can have them b-back. I'm s-sorry," you stammer out. Spencer shakes his head and walks over.

"It's okay. I don't need them at the moment," he reassures you. You nod.

Suddenly, radios flare up and almost everyone bolts out the room, leaving behind you and Rossi. Your eyes widen.

"W-What g-going on? D-Did I-"

"No kiddo, you haven't done anything wrong," Dave cuts in as he makes up the bed. "We've just had a hit on your parents..."

—•—

Part two anyone? Let me know if you’d like to see it :). Also, let me know if you want to be on my taglist. Just drop an ask :)

TAGLIST:

@ogmilkis @spideygirl2003 @ssebstann@herecomesthewriterwitch @garcias-batcave

#platonic bau #bau #criminal minds #platonic bau x reader #bau x reader #gender netural reader #gender neutral!reader #male reader #male!reader #female reader #behavioural analysis unit #behavioral analysis unit #behavioural analysis unit x reader #behavioral analysis unit x reader

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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bamf-jaskier · 4 years

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I went to Oxenfurt Academy. But really what the fuck is University? We should stop going until we figure it out. Because I went to university, and I have no idea what it was. I went to Oxenfurt, I was 16 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Kikimore. I didn’t drink water the entire time. I lived on drugs and alcohol and depression. My time at Oxenfurt was like a two-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose years of your life. By the way, I agreed to give them these years when I was 16 years old.

My parents didn’t even care. They are nobles. They expected me to just do this sort of thing. They tricked me. They tricked me like a goddamn Doppler. The Oxenfurt headmaster comes up to me at my estate. I was covered in dirt, all confused. Two guys in pheasant feather hats are like, “Come on, son, do the right thing. Sign here and be and try to earn the mastery of the seven liberal arts, become a bard.” And I was like, “Okay.” Yes, you heard me, a bard. -I spent years of my life. [audience cheering] How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst decision I ever made in my life? I spent years of my life at Oxenfurt Academy where they would tell me play a song and then I wouldn’t.

That’s the worst use of 2 years I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, followed a Witcher around for 20 years. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the time, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when he tells you to fuck off and that you are the reason for all of his issues, it’s like you did this for what Geralt, for what. But at least you have got a few hit songs out of it. And maybe you one day get partial custody of a run away princess and the kid goes, “Oh, I want to listen to music,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little lioness.”

And you get out your lute and play an old song for the kid. You make it nice for her. She sings along with her chaos-voice magic and causes everyone in the vicinity to get yeeted across the room. At the end of everything, you get to watch that Witcher be thrown across the room. That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for listening to music I didn’t listen to.

Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, my noble-filled family watching as I sweat vodka and drugs, to receive a degree in singing better than most people.

Jaskier as John Mulaney Part 5/?

#mulaneyskier #he STRIKES AGAIN #hahaha #the witcher #jaskier #geraskier #the mountain #myposts #john mulaney

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heylabodega · 3 years

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I have a date tomorrow that I’m feeling optimistic about, through a combination of romance book reading, spring twitterpation, and the little hints of bits he’s already done, like telling me he sings the chorus of ‘Waterloo’ every time he opens a Waterloo-brand seltzer or telling me he has a Vespa and adding “scoot scoot!” (Liz and Lauren have never mentioned their scooter without me interrupting to say, pointlessly, “scoot scoot!”). We’re gonna play chess in the park. My main issue with dating these days is that it takes me a long time to be comfortable with someone, but that I am impatient for the part where we are comfortable together. In thinking about first dates, I try not to put together any schpiels, I try not to script conversations, or have expectations, really. But it’s hard--I want to be loose and fun and playful and I want--desperately--to have them turn out to be someone loose and fun and playful with me, someone I can feel tender towards who values me, but we almost never talk about it and only do jokes. Not, anymore, because I’m uncomfortable with real feelings, but because jokes are more fun. I want someone who will come and hang out in Liz and Lauren’s backyard with us and we’ll all be sweaty and giggly and talking a lot and drinking seltzers and wine.

At some point he’ll inevitably ask what I do and I think my schpiel will be this: I don’t know, really. I’m between careers. I might never find one. I write and paint, and sometimes people pay me for those things, and in between I still do them anyways. I have almost none of the superficial trappings of adulthood: my apartment is cramped and dirty, I make less money than I made when I was 25, and extremely John Mulaney voice I meant to get my drivers license and i forgot. I have nothing, externally, together. Internally, though, I have my shit together I think. I’m self-centered but self-aware, considerate, comfortable with my emotions, introspective and relaxed and with my own metrics for success. I take my 20 mg of Celexa and manage my Brain Issues. I own my own shit. I try to be a good citizen. I’m curious. I love my family and my friends and their families. I don’t care if strangers like me but I’m good to people in the service industry because I am people in the service industry. I want to teach the children in my life to love and like themselves and I want to make art that makes me and my friends happy and I want to run a marathon as fast as I can and know when I finish it that I couldn’t have run any faster and admit I was trying my best. I’m comfortable admitting I want things.

Anyways if this date doesn’t work out I have another one on Saturday and he’s gonna take me to meet his dog and he’s tall.

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sergeant-angels-trashcan · 3 years

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hawkeye squared for the otp meme please? 🥺

as usual, i feel i need to suggest the idea of Lin Manuel Miranda as Clint, though I just saw a gifset of Manny Jacinto, and he is ALSO a great option

What was their first impression of each other?

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”“

As awful as it is, I LOVE them having their meet ugly when Clint thinks it’s a gangbusters idea to attack a teenager on a date in a carriage in central park. like. what a dumbass. also, both of them being all “I’m Hawkeye!” “no you’re not, I’m Hawkeye!”

What is their ship name?

Hawkeye Squared. It’s just cute. At some point they get asked (by a drunk Tommy, probably) what the square root of Hawkeye is, if it can be squared. Obviously, the square root of Hawkeye is Lucky the Pizza Dog

Describe their relationship dynamic.

two wrongs don’t make a right, but two competent individuals make a team of idiots.

I don’t know--they’re just so human with each other. They run with superpowered super special people, and that affects how they see themselves. I think they forget how breakable they are, and at the same time they’re really aware that they’re normal. (and maybe, they’d never admit it, feeling inadequate sometimes). With each other they get to be human, and they get the ordinary human stuff they have to deal with.

They’re really competitive, but in a fun way. Their underlying competitiveness also makes them strive to be better.

In some ways, their relationship is a meeting in the middle--Clint coming up, Kate coming down. Clint wants to be more together, less reckless, less one night stand with mob molls. Kate wants to be less...rich bitch. More aware of how money has made her life easier, how her life experiences aren’t typical.

They each want to be more stable for the other, they just want to be there for each other. They’re both messes, but it’s better when they are messes together.

What was their relationship like before they got together?

Manatee and mento.

No no just kidding. Most of their friends and Avengers coworkers think they had a mentor/mentee relationship, but the only think Clint has mentored Kate in is how to get horribly injured.

That’s one of my favorite things about their relationship. Kate was Hawkeye completely independent of Clint. She was a team leader, she had her shit TOGETHER, but the instant she hung out with Clint for any length of time she transforms into a garbage can person.

Their relationship trajectory is definitely idiots to friends to lovers. Their relationship status has been “in cahoots with” for almost as long as they’ve known each other. They’re just....their relationship is like Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara’s. Like, that’s not the dynamic, but it’s the feeling, you know?

They joke about being in love with/married/non-sexual life partners forEVER before one day it’s like “ha ha oh SHIT am I joking??”

How would they describe each other?

they each think the other is one of the best people they know. And that being together makes them want to be better.

if Kate isn’t listening, Clint will absolutely admit she’s the better shot. NOT BY MUCH, but if he HAD to say, that would be his answer. She’s a total badass. He’s John Mulaney’s every monologue about Anna. “My partner is a bitch and i like her SO MUCH” “she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her” “i’ve never been supervised before” “she’s my HERO”. Seven drink Clint will just talk about everything about Kate that he likes. Many, many Avengers can attest that this is a very long list.

If Clint isn’t listening, Kate will say that Clint is one of the best men she’s ever met, and he looks BANGING in a skirt. He wants so much to do the right thing and even if he gets it wrong he just keeps trying and how can you not be inspired by that? He inspired her to be better and kinder and try harder, and keep trying, keep fighting. There’s always someone to help. Being a hero isn’t just about stopping dictators bent on world domination or fighting aliens. It’s not always about the world. Sometimes it’s about your neighborhood, or your building. Sometimes it’s just saving a dog. Clint’s always reminding her that being a hero isn’t about the size of the heroing. It’s just about doing the right thing.

What do they love about each other?

everything they tell people about each other, lol.

They love that they’re both superheroes, that they’re both Hawkeye. That they keep trying and keep trying.

What do they have in common?

Coffee, dogs, cars, purple, arrows

What are some differences between them?

I feel like they both have weird ideas of what’s normal as far as childhood experiences, but while Kate’s tend towards “what do you mean you didn’t have a nanny and a fencing instructor and a music tutor” and Clint’s are more along the lines of “eat all the food because you don’t know where your next meal might come from”

Kate also takes better care of cars than Clint does. She’s also a better chameleon than Clint--she can blend into different scenarios better than he does. It helps that Kate likes doing it more than Clint does.

What made them realize they were in love?

A million little things that added up to mean “I can’t imagine my life without you”. But probably when Kate bounced to LA after their Big Fight and they realized they did Not like being apart from each other. They didn’t call or text during that time and it was MISERABLE. They’re slightly codependent. They know it. It’s fine.

What are their love languages?

they’re actually really big on words of affirmation (i have to look up love languages every time i get to this question so i give actual love languages answers) it’s never big flowing speeches but they’re always telling each other “good shot” “good coffee” “you’re amazing hawkeye” “i know hawkeye” and physical affection of course. They’re very big on consent in all situations so Clint has taken to signing stuff like “wanna cuddle” “hey can i hold your hand” etc etc (steve and bucky see them do this and pick up the habit). physical affection also includes patching each other up when it’s not a hospital worthy injury

Do they get married? Who proposes and how?

eventually and on accident

they’re partners for YEARS and everyone thinks they’re banging, and then when they finally DO start banging nobody thinks they are. so they’re in this weird limbo of being in a healthy committed relationship that none of their peers know about despite seeing it all the time.

so they accidentally get married for a job, or one of them is like “Fuck! i field our taxes jointly this year, we gotta get married!” (i have no idea how this mistake happened. Is Jarvis in cahoots with Jonas and Viv to set them up? Probably)

You know how Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves were like “wait, did we get for real married on the set of Dracula years ago?” like that vibe is also good. That Clint and Kate TECHNICALLY got married when she was like. twenty for undercover reasons. And never realized it. so they’re going to file paperwork and some poor wage drone is like “uh, we already have paperwork filed on a ms. bishop...AND a mr. barton” *frantic clicking* “uh, it looks like you’re already married???”

they have a fake fight over missing anniversaries. every single one of their friends has a moment of “why did hawkeyes happen to me”

they have a wedding that’s mostly just a huge party. Kate gets kidnapped by von Doom (he promised he would! they have a weird friendship) Billy and Steve fight over who is going to officiate. somehow eli wins. all of clint’s exes dance with kate. all of kate’s exes dance with clint. wade declares himself both groomsman and bridesmaid, staving off the inevitable fight of who “got” Wade (that Kate would have won, no sense in hurting Clint’s feelings, that’s Wade’s opinion)

the proposal happens after the wedding. they want to get the most bang for their buck, and they’re both petty little shits, so Kate “surprises” Clint with a proposal at some big snooty gala Derek Bishop is hosting. during the gala and the flood of paparazzi, they “accidentally” “escape” for a makeout sesh and “inadvertently” lead the press to evidence of Derek’s criminal activities. they get engaged and he gets arrested in the same night. it’s a very productive proposal.

What would happen if they never met?

not an option. they always meet. even if a universe is missing one of them, the multiverse will find a way to make them meet, even for a short time. they represent something greater-than-self for each other, and they both need that. it’s easy for them to get tangled up in their depression, their ptsd, their mental health issues and feelings of inadequacy, but --

it’s like. “i’m not alone” there’s someone else out there. and some days it’s like, you know what, I bet he/she is fucking up my good name. I have to get up and do something. some days it’s like there’s someone else out there with my name. it’s okay for me to take a break and breathe. everything is going to be ok.

Who dies first? How does the other one react?

Kate, by thirty seconds TOPS. they die saving the universe, of course, and specifically an angry mama cat

they die sprawling next to each other, bleeding out, Clint internally, Kate externally. her blood haloes around her head and she’s talking to Clint, voice weak and it’s a miracle his hearing aids are still working, because as much as he doesn’t want to hear this he doesn’t want Kate to feel alone, and she’s saying how she’s scared and she can’t feel her legs and she flails an arm at him and he catches her hand, pressing kisses to her bloody knuckles

and then Kate stops talking, he can’t hear her breathing and she’s still, so still, and he drags himself closer to her carving in to what little time he has left on this earth and he doesn’t care, kisses her still-warm face, gently closes her glassy eyes. sobbing, he pulls her to him. “I’m right behind you, girly-girl.”

Are there any love rivals?

yes and no? I think Clint would consider Kate’s team as a whole a threat to his monopoly on Kate’s affections. But I also don’t see them being very monogamous all the time. I think they’d very easily and happily expand to a polyamorous relationship. they’re both such nerds about it, too. like, they KNOW the other is awesome, naturally everyone wants part of that awesomeness, and they deserve to have people in their lives who think they are awesome.

they are also weirdly possessive in a lot of ways. at least, Kate is. Clint likes people claiming ownership of him, of belonging. Clint can belong to other people, but Hawkeye is hers. Because hawkeye is her, and hers, and it’s a tangled mess of ownership and pronouns but they get it, and everyone else leaves the weird Hawkeye stuff alone for the most part.

Describe your favorite moment of that ship!

moments of realization. when they realize they’ve been platonically married for YEARS and maybe they want to be....carnally married as well??? and then just. UST for MILES. Staring. looking away. staring again. getting caught staring! oh no! the terrible, horrible, gut churning moment of being found out, of “this won’t hurt our friendship or our working relationship, i swear, do you want me to leave?” followed by the other party suddenly barreling into them, initiating a frantic makeout and grinding sesh, the RAGE that they could have been doing this for how long???

What do other characters think about this relationship?

“so are you guys together for real now, or what?” and “lmao no you’re not fooling me again! nice try though.”

there are so many people who don’t believe they’re a for real couple. and to be fair, there was that once time they pretended to be a couple and did a registry and everything. i’ve said it before, though, that someone could walk in on Kate and Clint banging and just be like “huh. weird Hawkeye thing” and never once think “oh my god clint and kate are an item”

Kate could literally be pregnant with Clint’s baby, they could be buying a house together, they could be on the Newlywed show, and most of their friends and teammates will be all “psh, codependent much? you gonna paint the outside of the house purple or what?”

Describe or write a really fluffy scene!

honestly anything goopily domestic. the sigh of relief when they both drop their go-bags in the entry way and realize they’re home. slow dancing in the living room. Kate telling Clint to start a load of laundry, only he pretends he can’t see her signing, so she throws an orange at him. Clint’s being honored at some pompous thing he hates or Stark has him on stage for some Avengery thing and Kate signs obscene or funny things to him and he has to keep a straight face.

Describe or write a really angsty scene!

all about the hurt/comfort here

so this is a post-Battleworld kind of thing. Everyone’s been flung to different universes and 616 doesn’t exist anymore and nobody knows if their friends are dead, if they’re ever going to see them again.

And Clint spots Kate (she’s bossing people around because she’s good at it, in every universe, he notes) but he’s not getting his hopes up. he’s seen a lot of Kates, and they’re all good, they’re all great, but they’re not his Katie-Kate, It’s not fair to compare every Kate in the multiverse to one single solitary Kate that he happens to like more than anything else, but screw fair, right?

Kate spots him. And she doesn’t really react, and Clint’s bracing himself to deal with Kate but not quite Kate, and they’re both making painfully polite small talk and he eventually says something about coming from 616 and it’s instantaneous, the change in her. “What the fuck did you just say, Clint? Clinton Francis Barton I swear to god if this is a joke--”

and it’s the Correct Kate, everything is good, great, wonderful, and then they get arrested for public indecency.

Talk about a headcanon you’ve never talked about before.

I don’t have a lot of headcanons for them, tbh? their braincells are repellent to one another. put them together and they’re just idiots trying to make their way in the universe.

oh! individually, they are so unlucky, but put them together and it kind of cancels out? their together jobs have the best outcomes. and their together jobs are how they acquire all sorts of random stuff. like an apartment building, a yacht, a Mars rover prototype, a child, a few extra spouses...

What does a typical date look like for them?

pizza, coffee, petting their dog and strangers’ dogs. takeout, stopping an armed robbery, cleaning up injuries, snuggling on the couch with popcorn or shave ice. they’re also working on a duo acrobatic routine in their spare time.

What’s a really significant moment in their relationship?

when Kate comes back. she leaves and it sucks, but she comes back and they don’t know where this is going, but they know their partnership is vital, and they’re going to make it work

(also when Clint let Kate drive the skycycle)

#clintkate #hawkeye squared #kate bishop #hawkeye #clint barton #ask meme answers #my stuff #Anonymous #NO ONE is drift compatible liek the hawkeyes

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script-nef · 4 years

Text

Dating headcanons (ii)

Characters: Hinata, Kuroo, Sakusa, Semi

Category: fluff

Hinata Shouyou

Did you ask for energy and sunshine? Because he’s right here!

Waits for you at the front gate of the school and runs to hugs you as soon as you're in his line of sight

“GOOD MORNING [NAME]!!” even if the weather is terrible

If you're shorter than him, he loves that you fit into his embrace

If you're taller than him, he loves that he fits into your embrace

Either way, Hinata will love you to the sun and back, no matter what

Can't kiss because you did that once after a match, on the cheek, and Hinata.exe stopped working

Blushes even with hand holding and gets teased by all his friends

But you can't feel any neglect or doubts of his affection towards you

Chatters your ear off while walking you back to your house

Gives you a call when he arrives at his, and calls again before going to sleep

Begs you to help him with his studies because he needs to pass in order to go to his matches

Tries to teach you volleyball (Kageyama screamed “You’re not even good at volleyball, how can you teach others?!”)

Gives you his first kiss (on the lips) when he's leaving for Brazil, promising to call you every day and update you on his well-being

Always searches for you in his matches and swears he can hear your cheering over everyone else's

Loves pre and post-match hugs/kisses, delighted when you ruffle his hair

Mentions you constantly in everything; from interviews to SNS posts to chat groups

His comment section is filled with “Relationship goals” and “EVERYONE NEEDS A HINATA WHERE CAN I BUY ONE”

Everyone's waiting for him to announce his engagement to you

Kuroo Tetsurou

Was so anxious when asking you out

His face would be cool and relaxed but he’s sweating on his back

Makes tons of lame jokes and tries to be suave but isn’t

You laugh whenever someone describes him as a sex god

When in reality he’s the dorkiest nerd with the biggest heart

Constant physical contact and messages: back hugs, hand holding, cheek kisses

*John Mulaney’s voice* You want hugs? Go get ‘em!

Clings onto your back, despite being taller, after matches and practises

Moans about how his arms are aching and can’t move, forcing you to feed him honey-soaked lemons and snacks

All his teammates boo at the PDA but he makes it clear he’s ignoring them

Sends photos of cats and weird facts he learnt in class

Offers to tutor you (college/uni prep class flex) and asks for kisses in payment

Tickle fights are common and you know each other’s weak points

Refuses to leave you alone in the house and waits until a family member is home

Make him bentos and little snacks to eat after practise

Always sends messages about how tasty it was

Once got drunk and cried while calling you, saying how much of a blessing you are

It went on for 20 minutes and you recorded all of it (he smirked and said “well, it just proves that you have an incredibly loving boyfriend!” and yeah, you do)

Went to a cultural festival together and he tried to win everything you asked for

Didn't get all of it but it was really sweet how hard he tried

Kissed when the fireworks went off and promised to cherish and love you forever

Sakusa Kiyoomi

You try to understand his cleaning habits

He once gave you a lecture on the importance of masks and sanitisers. For 2 hours

He stated before you started dating that he’ll only hold your hand if you wash/sanitise it first

So he keeps buying cleaning products for you

And every Sunday is reserved for a full house cleaning

But besides that, he’s a very doting and loving boyfriend

Secretly has you as his phone background and keeps every present you give him

Is willing to buy anything you want, even if you mention it in passing

He has a lot of money to spare (*cough* div. 1 pro athlete *cough*)

Constantly messaging and video-calling during breaks and transport

Has once thought about recording your calls so he can listen to your voice when sleeping while he’s away for matches

Snaps at his teammates when they try to talk to you

Insists on cooking at home because he can’t trust restaurant hygiene

Is amazing at cooking/baking and will constantly spoil you

Makes sure it’s nutritionally balanced so that you’ll be healthy

Washes your hair when you come back home wiped out

You come to cheer him on in his matches, from high school to his pro career

He gets energised if he hears your voice, even if it’s nearly drowned out by other people’s

Hugs after showering and changing

Little penguin waddles as you fit into his embrace (wow damn he’s 189-192)

He sometimes comes to pick you up from work looking like a model

Holds your hand while driving

Gets furious if tabloids or reporters takes photos of you

His anger can only be settled by soft kisses and cuddles

He especially likes it when you kiss the moles on his forehead

Semi Eita

He spends a lot of his time in recording studios and practices

You sometimes come over with food and drinks

He lets you listen to demo tapes and beats in progress

Makes songs and MVs as surprise presents (Serenades are also common)

One of his most popular unofficial songs is the one for your 3rd anniversary with him

Teaches you instruments and rewards you with kisses and hugs

Once asked if you could sing for him and he treasures the memory immensely (regrets how he didn’t take a video)

You guide him through his slumps and dark moments

He loves how supportive and positive you are

You cook breakfast since he always wakes up late and he cooks dinner just in time for your arrival from work

You cry when his band gets labelled as the most promising rookie group of the year

Always mentions you in concerts and online, just as "my other half"

Has tons of nicknames: my muse, love, heart, sweetheart, the light of my life (it’s getting cringey)

A certified SapTM, one of the very best

Loves lap pillows and melts when you comb through his hair with your fingers

Lets you cut his nails and paint them, always showing them off saying “My love is so good at everything, I adore them so much!”

Tells you about his high school years and his friends

Take a break from everyone and everything by going on camps and hikes

You inspire him so much, from his music to his life

He prayed for this relationship to last forever in his New Year’s shrine visit

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leverage-ot3 · 4 years

Text

notable moments from The Miracle Job

leverage 1.04

Eliot: That was the worst night of my life.

Parker: Come on, man, you've been in worse situations.

[Flashback]

(money is thrown on the table while a man loads one bullet in a gun and spins the barrel. He points it at Eliot’s head and pulls the trigger. Eliot flinches, but the gun does not go off)

[Leverage Kitchen]

Eliot: No. no, that was the worst.

what a dramatic little bitch

,,, also I’m always down for wacky eliot flashbacks

- - - - -

Parker: That’s St. Nicholas?

Hardison: Yes.

Parker: Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot: He’s not Santa Claus.

and the saga of parker loving christmas beGINS

- - - - -

Hardison: You think that we just gonna walk into some random tunnel and find some cholos just all yoked up? You know?

Eliot: Hardison—

(gang bangers follow Eliot and Hardison into the tunnel)

Hardison: "Yo, holmes, let me fix my do rag..."

Eliot: Dude, quiet. Listen. (turns around) Boys. We don't want any trouble. All right? We just want some answers.

Gang Leader: How's this answer?

(the Gang Leader holds his shirt aside to show the gun tucked in his waistband. Eliot reaches out and puts his hand on the gun, cocking it)

eliot’s bde move? how the fuck do you even RECOVER from that???

(another gang member pulls a gun and points it in Eliot’s face)

Eliot: You seeing this, Hardison?

Hardison: Yeah, the--the situation has my attention, yes.

Eliot: You see that's why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. See, most guys make one mistake. They get too close.

(Eliot grabs the gun and head butts the gang member, emptying the gun and dropping it on the ground)

eliot hates guns and I love him for that

Eliot: Who rolled... a priest?

Gang Leader: We didn't beat up no priest. We are not monsters.

(Hardison notices a third gang member moving restlessly. He hits the man in the shoulder, and the man goes down in pain. Eliot grabs the gun from the Gang Leader’s waistband)

Hardison: Dislocated shoulder's a biatch. Priest gave him that.

Gang Leader: You beat up a priest? (looks at Eliot) Do you mind?

Eliot (hands him the gun): Be my guest.

Gang Leader: (points gun at gang member) You got a long penance ahead of you. Start by answering the man's questions. Now!

Eliot: Who hired you?

Gang Member: I don't know. I got a call on my cell with an offer, and I called him back after the job was done. He paid me. That's all I know. I swear.

Hardison: You got a number?

(Gang Member pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Hardison)

Eliot: Can you do something with that?

Hardison: Seven digits. I could find you on Mars.

Eliot: Gentlemen, we'll leave you to your internal affairs. Come on.

(they walk away, out of the tunnel)

Hardison: How 'bout that? Man, you-you see me?

Eliot: He was injured.

Hardison: Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche

me too hardison

also LMFAO eliot is so done with you you’re lucky he already has imprinted in you

- - - - -

Sophie: What is that you just took?

Grant: Xanax.

[Construction Site]

Grant: For my nerves.

Parker: Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.

(Hardison looks at Parker in surprise)

Eliot: You gave him speed?

Hardison: He beat up a priest.

hardison and eliot went from scandalized to mmm, seems fair REAL QUICK

- - - - -

Eliot: How do you know all this stuff?

Nate: I went to school with father Paul. to, uh...seminary school.

(they enter Nate’s office. Eliot hands Sophie a cup of coffee)

Eliot: So you dropped out of priest school to become a -- an insurance cop? And now you're the leader of a band of thieves. Nice.

I love eliot

- - - - -

Hardison: Y-you-you’re a catholic who wants to fake a miracle. I’m pretty sure that puts us in moral-sin territory.

Eliot: So now you're religious, too?

Hardison: No, no, I’m not denominational. It’s just, I never do anything my nana said "don't do." This, what we doin', it just don't seem right.

additionally, the hardison loving his nana saga begins

- - - - -

Nate: Give Hardison anything he needs.

Hardison: As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.

Nate: Ah, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out, you know, how to fake a miracle.

(Eliot laughs)

Hardison: We all going to hell

eliot being a little shit to hardison? always iconic

- - - - -

Grant (entering room): Yes, ma’am, thank you for your opinion. (hangs up) Ok, I just received a threatening phone call -- from a nun!

G O O D

- - - - -

I love the shots where the ot3 walks together they cute as hell

- - - - -

Hardison: Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? I’m gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

Parker: Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?

hardison having a freak out meanwhile parker’s just trying her best

+ bonus: another hidden talent of parker’s is that she knows obscure things like greek gods

- - - - -

BIBLETOPIA

tomas is so fucking done with andy

- - - - -

Hardison: Bibletopia?

Sophie: The man cannot be stopped!

Parker: It’s like everything we throw at him just makes him stronger.

Eliot: Kind of admire him, though. My nephew would like Bibletopia.

Hardison: Oh, no, see? This is what happens when you mess with god. He raises up your enemies with his right hand, and he smites you with his left.

ELIOT META: he has at least one sibling and a nephew fic writers take n o t e

poor hardison is having a Time™ in this episode

- - - - -

Hardison: I hope this is the part where you suggest prayer.

Nate: No, the weeping statue of St. Nicholas is not gonna be stolen. It's gonna miraculously disappear in the middle of tomorrow's mass.

Sophie: I’m sorry?

Nate: In front of the priest, the Vatican, the entire congregation.

Sophie: Have you learned nothing, Nate?

Nate: How much does the statue weigh?

Hardison: About 900 pounds.

Nate: Good.

Hardison: I am so sorry, nana.

let hardison REST

- - - - -

both the boys clipping the gear on parker? thievery hijinks ot3 domesticity

- - - - -

HARDISON AND ELIOT DID THEIR FIRST HANDSHAKE

- - - - -

the little girl calling parker an angel? same

- - - - -

eliot hyping up the crowd lmfao

- - - - -

Grant (to Sophie): Kristi, save me, huh? You can spin this, right? instead of, uh, "felony," maybe soften it to, uh, “controversy" or something.

(cops continue to pull Grant away as press follows)

Sophie: You know, when you say "controversy," I always hear "attention”.

*john mulaney voice* sophie is a bitch and I L O V E H E R

- - - - -

(Nate looks at the candles along one wall and walks over to them. He lights a candle as the rest of the team waits. After a moment he rejoins them and they walk toward the door)

Hardison: Look at that. Saved a church.

Parker: It’s like Christmas. See? I told you St. Nicholas is Santa Claus.

Sophie: No, he's not, Parker.

Parker: Well, who is he, then?

Sophie: St. Nicholas… is the patron saint of thieves.

the team is always there to support each other pass it on

patron saint of thieves? ICONIQUE

#leverage #leverage 1.04 #leverage 1x04 #notable moments #mine #the miracle job #leverage season 1 #season 1

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blacksurvivalnostalgichanges · 3 years

Text

immortal soul:black survival characters as john mulaney

dunno how i didn’t think of that before but

Adela: Hmm, we’re not so different, you and I. You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fuckin’ markers.

Adriana: Well here goes nothing. You ever seen a ghost?

Alex: A lot of people think that you like bulls, and if you just buh- They assume it! When you search your name, the third thing to come up is like “John Mulaney bull?”

Arda: Or if it’s one of those true or false questions, you should be able to add a third option which is “who’s to say?”.

Aya: “So you saw what happened and you did nothing?” “Yeah, ‘cause I was sitting over on the bench.” “Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany....”

Barbara:It’s just dads, singing so loud, thinking that’ll somehow get their kids to sing.

Bernice: Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope, or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world!

Bianca: Remember the Psalms? They’re not songs, ‘cause they don’t rhyme and they’re not good. They’re perfectly named.

Camilo:He’s played for stadiums of 20000 people cheering to him like he’s a god, for fifty years. That must change you as a person. If you do that for fifty years you’re never again going to be like “Uhmmm, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow...?”

Cathy:That guy will get up there and sing into the microphone. He’s not a singer, ‘cause he’s not good at it, but he tries.

Chiara: Now I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me.

Chloe: Every room she walked into, she’d be like, “So this could be an office. (shakes shoulders) Or maybe a nursery.”

Daniel: I think he was just doing that dad thing of like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II”. But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl!

Echion:Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

Eleven:Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird, your suspicions are correct.

Eva:Marty McFly is a 17-year-old student, whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist. And, I shit you not, they never explain how they became friends. They never explain it. Not even in a lazy way like, “Hey, remember when we met in that science building?”. They don’t even do that.

Emma:My dad was so weird, I’d love to meet him someday.

Fiora:I didn’t mean to make it sound like we don’t want children. We don’t, but I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.

Hart: I love to play venues where if the guy that built the venue could see me on the stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it.

Hyejin: “All right, Petunia, wish me luck.” “(french chainsmoker voice) You will die on August 7th, 2037.” “(shrugs) That’s pretty good.”

Hyunwoo:No one cared about my opinion when I was a little kid. No one cared what I thought. Sometimes, people would say “What do you think you’re doing?”. But that just meant “stop”.

Isol: In high school people were like, “What are your top three colleges?” I was like “top three colleges? I thought I’d be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

Jackie: He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin.

If you left your baby with your mother tonight, you’re not gonna race home and check the nanny cam. But if you left your baby with Gary Busey....!

Jan:My wife and I walk around New York city, pushing Petunia the french bulldog in a stroller, and it’s a big stroller, and it has a big black hood. And people lean in to see the baby.

Jenny:Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic.

Johann: “Wait, so they forced you to go?” Yeah, I was five. I was forced to go everywhere. No kid is just going to church, like, riding by on his Huffy, like “Woah! What’s this place! Weird byzantine temple with green carpeting where everyone has bad breath and I wear clothes that I hate on one of my mornings of my two days off? Let’s do this!”

JP: “Okay, I think I see where you’re going here. They go back in time, and they stop the Kennedy assassination!” “Oooaaoh. That’s a really good idea. We didn’t even think of that.” “All right, well what do they do with the time machine?” “Well now I’m embarassed to say.”

Laura: My friends were all like, “Is he nice?” No! Or maybe he is, for his version of life! ‘Cause he has a very different life!

Lenox: You just showed up at 8 AM, and they were like, “Put down your stuff. Go to the gym.” And you’re like, “god, I guess they’re finally gonna kill us all, alright. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.”

Leon:I was like twelve years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello... (chuckes) Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney, I’m your father.” And then he said the following. “You know, Leonard Bernstein. Was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.”

Li Dailin: I asked my mom if she’d ever seen a ghost. That’s where we’re at conversation-wise in our relationship as a mother and son, because I’m 35 and I don’t have any children to talk about, and she doesn’t understand my career.

Luke: None of us really know our fathers. Anyway...

Magnus: She came in and she picked up the baby, and she was like “It’s okay, she’s just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot”. Aren’t we all.

Mai: Why don’t you give me a candle for looking in the mirror? And a floppy hat, and I’ll tremble off to bed in my Victorian nightgown!

Nadine: Every time I go to the zoo I’m like “Hey, where’s the jaguar?”, and the zoo guy is like “oh, he must be in the inside part”. The inside part? Tell him we’re here.

Nathapon: You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don’t know. And you are told this by an adult that you don’t know.

Nicky:That’s right- there was always assembly, and then, like, that second assembly to yell at you for how you behaved at the first assembly.

Rio:I”ll be at a wedding reception and someone’ll be like, “Heyy, you coming to the hotel bar after? We’re all gonna get drinks and keep the party going”, and I’m like “Nah nah nah sister, you’re not getting me to no secondary location!”

Rosalio: People walk around on the phone now like, “Hello hello? You still there- ugh, lost him”. And that’s it! No follow-through with that guy!

Rozzi:Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like “brush your teeth. Now boom! Orange juice! That’s life.”

Shoichi: By the way, Detective J. J. Bittenbinder wore three-piece suits. He also wore a pocket watch. Two years in a row, he wore a cowboy hat. He also had a huge handlebar mustache. None of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that.

Silvia: Children, rather than continuing to teach you how to read, we have cleared the entire day for this random guy!

Sissela: You should be able to write in, “I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

Sua: Some people give off a vibe of, like, right away they’re like “Do not fuck with me”. My vibe is more like “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you!”

William: There are those guys who, they buy the cow, and then on the side, total matador, but...

Xiukai: “And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” Now that’s debatable.

Yuki: And I have friends I went to college with, and they’re like “oh, you should donate and be a good alumnus”. And they wear shirts that say ‘school’ and it’s like, look....

Zahir: She said, “Okay, I know I don’t get this shit because I wasn’t raised Catholic, and I’m fucking glad I wasn’t because it’s a fucked up organization”, I said “nonononoo, we all know that.”

#immortal soul incorrect quotes #incorrect quotes #eternal return incorrect quotes #from the series 'i'm not tagging like fifty characters'

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mimzy-writing-online · 3 years

Note

*John Mulaney voice* "Where's the money? Where's my money?"

I don’t have it! Look, I don’t have it! But I know where you can get it. It’s in a P.O. Box at the Postal Office at 3000 Chestnut Ave. To get the key you got to go to the deli on 4th street. Ask for a sandwich that is just salami, spicy mustard, and pickles. You gotta take that to The Book Trader on 2nd street. Give it to the clerk, ask for Delaney Lemons, and tell them Mimzy sent ya. She’s gonna give you a 1991 edition of Good Omens signed by Neil Gaiman. Take that to Anastacia’s Antiques on Bainbridge. Ask for Agatha. In exchange for the book she’ll give you a tin snuff box, inside which is the key to the P.O. box. Take that to the Post Office. Inside is a map to where I buried it.

It’s all there, enough to pay for both our student loan debt. I promise.

For April Fools Day, send me a personal question and 9 times out of 10 I will answer with ridiculous lies.

#mimzy does april fools #food mention #Anonymous

12 notes · View notes

lipstickbisous · 4 years

Text

the lion and her sun. (4)

LOST LANNISTER PRINCESS

notes: so far, every chapter has ended with aurane rejecting oberyn sooo. and yeah some facts abt this might wrong but hey..

we gon pretend like dahlia’s exist in this universe.

and the dress she wears during her walk is très similar to the pink one shae wears in ‘the lion and the rose’. this is for lack of a better picture. (except the dress is orange)

i wrote this while watching the prisoner of azkaban.

none of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that.

- john mulaney.

ALSO updates might be a little slower now, we’re having HUGE wifi problems at our house but i will definitely keep writing!

pairing: oberyn x oc!reader

summary: on her last day before the married life, aurane’s emotions start to change.

word count: 6.5k

masterlist

the week was coming to an end, much to aurane’s dismay. for the past three days, she had much to think about and do. her walk with oberyn had thoughts racing around in her head when she had gone to sleep that night. even resting naked against the silk sheets, her pillow pressed to her face with her sprawled out behind her head and her eyes gently shut, memories of the gardens and the prince were floating about, refusing aurane’s begs to go so she could ease into unconsciousness.

when her father had spoken of the sudden and upsetting news to aurane, cersei had spoken of how the dornish would be obligated to use the youngers lannister anyway they wanted.

“they’ll humiliate her, torture her,” aurane’s dear sister spoke. “you’re going to send her off to her death. a lamb for slaughter.”

now, as aurane watched the sun rise with the silk sheets pulled up to cover her bare breasts, she wondered if her sister, cersei lannister, who had never been wrong about anything, had seriously misjudged the martell family. the princess hadn’t been in the city to meet the common people yet and she hoped that they would be exactly like the royals of sunspear.

she could hear the bustling of early-rising maidens attending to their chores outside of her door. the child inside of aurane couldn’t wait to see what breakfast she would be brought this morning.

it must’ve been hours since she had risen from her sleep because the sun now sat in its throne in the sky and there was a knock on the door. “i have your breakfast, your grace.” a sweet voice spoke but the unfamiliar accent made it hard to decipher.

“come in,” aurane spoke, pulling up two of her pillows against the headboard of her bed and leaning her back towards them. it might’ve been the way she had slept but there was ache throughout her spine. the girl who walked in could’ve been no older than aurane. her hair was curly and frizzy and her skin a light brown. her lips were perfectly shaped and her nose curved into a more rounded one. the girl set down the tray of food at the table near aurane’s window, but before she could set out the plate, cutlery, and goblet, aurane spoke. “forgive me, but i don’t think you’ve ever served me before.”

the girl nodded and curtsied. “my name is dyanna,” she said.

“and where are you from,” aurane questioned before sitting back up and pushing herself off of the bed she’d found more comfortable than any other. along with her she took the silk sheets and held them against her chest so they covered her breasts, stomach, and ass. she sat at her table and smiled when seeing that breakfast that morning consisted of fresh bread, butter and jam, berries, and more orange juice. “dyanna.”

aurane’s interest in a someone of lower-class was unusual for any maiden to experience, even in dorne. “i’m from meereen, your grace.” before aurane could pop a grape into her mouth or slice off a thin piece of bread, she grinned.

“meereen?” she questioned, to which dyanna nodded. aurane set the grape down on her plate and sighed, the smile still lingering. “i’ve never met someone from essos.”

dyanna smiled with her hands held together. “no?” aurane shook her head before finishing half of her orange juice. in the past few days, it the only thing other than wine that aurane could drink. new flavors were being brought to her with every meal and the lannister princess couldn’t get enough.

“no. my father always kept me in the red keep,” she divulged, smearing butter onto a slice of bread and jam on half of it. “tell me, dyanna of meereen,” aurane inquired before biting down on a small piece of bread. the crust was crunchy in her mouth and the jam, the sweetness of strawberries and sugar, contrasted the tecture. “if my knowledge of geography is correct, meereen is just on slaver’s bay.”

it was hesitant, but dyanna nodded silently in response. when aurane kept eating, popping a berry in her mouth between every other bite, she confessed, “i was born a slave and raised into it, your grace,” the princess sat back, leaving her loaf of bread on the plate along with the few berries left. her gaze softened, showing that she was listening, as her eyes focused on the sea. “i was sold to sunspear and sent to work for prince doran but he freed me.”

slavery had never been something that aurane had first-hand witnessed but her beliefs on it remained negative, unlike her sister and father, who couldn’t have cared less about those born lower than them. it was always a flaw that aurane had seen. “so, you’re a free woman,” aurane looked to the coffered ceiling and clutched her goblet of juice in her hand. “but you choose to work as a maiden?”

dyanna only shrugged, her posture remaining ideal. “what could i do?”

aurane laughed before sipping the rest of her drink and setting it down next to her half-full plate. “you could own a stand in the market. or work at one at least,” aurane sat back in her seat, mindlessly letting the sheets slip a bit, revealing the top of her breast. “collect enough money to buy your own place, or...” dyanna looked up in interest and aurane smirked. “purchase your own land.”

the maiden laughed and shook her head. aurane had then finished her breakfast and felt the breeze of the dornish mornings through the strands of her hair. “i’m fine here, your grace.” aurane kindly nodded as dyanna took the tray in her arms and sighed. before leaving the bedroom and closing the door, she piped up, “oh, your grace, forgive me. i forgot to mention it, but prince oberyn has told me to inform you that he would like another walk...before the wedding.”

dyanna then shut the door behind her before aurane could smile in silence. for the short time she’d been awake that morning, the princess hadn’t once thought anything about her marriage. dorne had entranced aurane and fabricated an entire sort of bliss in her mind.

there wasn’t much to do that day anyway. the wedding was already planned and she’d already worn the wedding dress to have it sized perfectly--during which aurane had been poked with needles twice but brush it off when the maiden apologized mercifully.

another stroll around the gardens, even if it was with the prince, didn’t sound so bad.

this time, aurane had worn an outfit less revealing than her last one. she’d spent an afternoon one day diving through her dresser and wardrobes to see what exactly oberyn had given her. most were two-piece outfits that aurane didn’t see herself comfortable with wearing just yet, but others were fine dresses made of soft and translucent linens. in the bottom drawers of her dresser were at least nine different pairs of...pants? aurane had never worn pants before. in casterly rock and king’s landing, women were always required to be clothed in robes down to their feet. the princess supposed that along with a new home came new opportunities.

well, that inner voice in her head spoke at she bit her bottom lip while holding a pair of trousers that were a dark shade of brown. there’s no point in not trying.

aurane stood with the pants in her hands, naked in her room--in all of her glory--and sighed before slipping her feet through the corresponding holes of the clothing. she pulled the pants up to her waist where it had felt comfortable and tied the two loose strings along the sides together the pants tightened around her stomach.

there was nothing much for aurane to say about them except for the fact that she entirely did not enjoy them. she looked to the mirror and noticed how they bagged around her thighs as she pinched the areas that left gaps between her skin and the material of the pants. aurane pulled them off as quickly as possible and pitched them into the woven basket she’d been given on her third day for dirty laundry.

she began to dive into the wardrobe again before noticing the pale orange dress that had been hung directly in the center of her closet. the silk had nearly been invisible because when aurane slipped it onto her frame, she could see her legs and breasts through the fabric. it was then she remembered the prince’s sudden mention of undergarments and wraps that had been placed inside the dressers as well. the entire process of wearing a simple dress that fit perfectly took far too long for aurane then removed the clothing from her body, wrapped a cloth around her bust and backside, then placing the dress back on her frame. it hadn’t been too entirely hot that day, so the simple sheer fabric of the robe had been perfect against aurane’s skin.

by then, with the sun’s position in the sky, it had already been an hour before lunch and aurane’s stomach began to rumble with a yearning for the dornish food she’d grown so attached to over the past week. the princess placed a hand over her torso and sighed. she supposed it would be best to wait for oberyn to arrive just as he had the other day.

almost half an hour flew, and aurane was still waiting. as of now, she sat in a chair by her window, quill, ink, and paper in her lap as she drew the outline of the great palm tree in front of her room. she hadn’t once looked down to see what her drawing would turn out to be; it was an art technique she had been taught in king’s landing. aurane had already finished several other drawings of whatever the view from her window brought and they sat by her feet on the floor. finally, after an illusion of hours, there was a knock on her door.

aurane hated to admit that she immediately jumped off of her chair and onto her feet, running to the door to see the prince. but when she opened the door, it was a large man, taller than any other she’d seen, with rich dark skin and a bald head. “captain?” she cocked an eyebrow.

the guard nodded. “prince oberyn waits for you outside of the west wing of the castle,” areo hotah was one of the most intimidating men that aurane had ever seen and she had been trained by ser gregor in her teenages years--of course, it was never something to mention to the martells.

aurane chewed the inside of her cheek nervously and blushed. “right, um,” she said, looking back to her room and shaking her head before letting out a small laugh that didn’t change the guards’ expressions at all. “well, i guess i’m going.” areo let her leave the room before closing her doors behind her. they then walked down the hallways of the dornish castle, aurane in front with several of her guards behind her. the seven then turned a corner and was brought to another door at the end of the hallway. aurane laughed sheepishly and turned to the captain.

“the west wing is that way, your grace,” he pointed behind the group, in the opposite direction of how they had been walking. as much as aurane wanted to roll her eyes--because why hadn’t he mentioned it before?--she smiled politely and turned on her heel to the west wing.

they trailed down staircases, strolled down through hallways that all began to look the same, and took sharp turns and corners. “if you don’t mind my asking,” aurane spoke with her eyes focused on any sign of where she was in the castle. “why is the prince not at the front entrance? or the gardens?”

areo laughed deeply, a sound that came straight from the depths of his chest. “the prince has special plans today, your grace.” over the last few days, aurane had been reassured that she would remain safe in dorne. but with the captain’s sudden statement, a fear washed over aurane again.

the princess truly had no idea what was in the west wing. the east held all of the royal’s bedrooms, the north had the guest rooms, and the south was for the maidens, chefs, and laborers of the castle. but the remaining had always remained a mystery until now.

“elia martell’s room used to be here, your grace,” the captain spoke again. aurane’s straightforward footsteps began to slow in pace as the realization sunk in. “it’s been abandoned since her death.” without stopping in her walk, aurane sighed. it was quiet again, with only the marching steps of the guards, the wooden ends of the spears against the floor, and loud thoughts in aurane’s head for her to hear. “prince oberyn is just this way, your grace.” areo pointed down a staircase to where there was a little wooden door with a lining of light around it.

sickness began to overtake aurane’s body as she thought about the one specific princess who once habited this part of the castle. how aurane’s family had brutally slaughtered this princess and her children; how they sent her off as a peace treaty. aurane hadn’t noticed it, but she then stood directly in front of the door, staring at the knob. areo, from behind her, cleared his throat for it was a tight staircase and not all six of the guards, including him, could fit inside. she was knocked out of her thoughts and pushed the door open, the sudden sunlight burning her eyes from becoming used to the dim lighting of the castle. she mentally hissed and slapped a hand over her eyes before they met other brown ones.

“good morning, lion,” oberyn smiled. behind him were several more guards holding spears taller than them. the brightness of the sun didn’t seem to affect him at all as aurane gently squinted. “come, we’ll find shade.”

when aurane was by his side, he placed a gentle hand on her back, just as he did nights ago when she had silently rejected him. “and where exactly are we going this time?”

the prince chuckled. “well, you are to be a princess of dorne by tomorrow,” he smiled as they began to walk. it was then, when aurane could finally see in the light, that she noticed they were in a similar space as the docks. behind a large wall, extremely close to the ocean that aurane could almost feel it on her skin. “i figured you would want to meet the city.”

two of his guards stood by an alike door to that of what was located in the castle. it was old and smelled moldy like it hadn’t been used in a long time. aurane laughed. “a secret entrace?” she looked up to the prince with an arched eyebrow. “you really think dorne won’t like me that you had to take me to a secret entrance?”

oberyn shrugged. “i didn’t think you would want the attention.” the two guards swung the door open and aurane could instantly hear the bustling and yelling of the city of sunspear. she looked to oberyn, who stood only two inches taller than her, and sighed before ducking to fit inside the small door frame and entered the city.

it had almost been like magic because the wall had been so thick and strong it kept out all sound of a well-growing economy. as far as aurane could see, there were large structures and houses built all over the land. on the second floors of those buildings must’ve been the homes to thousands of dornish citizens because below them on the first floor were market and small shops and trading centers. it had been so similar to king’s landing yet sunspear reminded aurane nothing of home.

the prince was quiet for a few seconds because not one common person had noticed their presence. “do you like it?” he asked.

aurane smiled but oberyn hadn’t seen it. she slowly nodded as she whispered a, “yeah,” but soon caught herself in such a vulnerable state. “it’s not like i have much of a say whether i like it or not, do i?”

her sarcastic and audacious remarks had no effect on the prince anymore or, really, anyone of dorne. she hadn’t seen ellaria since she’d brought her lunch but even her maidens and servants didn’t seem bothered. it was like their pride could never be tainted. without saying anything in response, oberyn simply cocked his head and they began to walk again.

the soldiers followed a foot behind them but yet maintained a distance for a discussion or even a simple conversation to take place. at least three ladies had recognized the prince and gently curtsied before returning to their daily duties. oberyn must’ve noticed aurane’s confused state because he answered with, “everyone in dorne is treated equal. farmers and marketers are treated just how i am treated.”

even aurane had to admit that the system the people of sunspear followed was fair and nice. “they just...” she shook her head, her eyes trailing over anything to look at by the second. “they don’t look so surprised.”

oberyn shrugged. “i come for walks often,” his hands were holding each together behind his back but every part of him wanted to place just a soft, caring hold on aurane. “the guards are a requirement of my brother.”

why was he so kind? why, even after the slaughtering his family had gone through, the pain he’d felt in his life, was he so kind? even better, how could he be so sweet and patient and loving to those below him? it made a regurgitative feeling arise in aurane’s stomach and she could feel the contents of her breakfast reaching her throat before sighing and swallowing it back down, cringing in disgust.

“you’re distressed, my sun,” the pet name, which aurane had secretly grown found of but would never admit, made her slightly cower. “what’s wrong?”

the prince’s eyes trailed over the variety of fruits and vegetables being sold by one vender as aurane chose her words carefully. “i fear i’ve been...disrespectful,” it was long overdue but oberyn was patient. “from the moment we arrived in dorne, you’ve been nothing but- but hospitable and welcoming. and i’ve been...vile. and rude,” he only nodded for her to continue, sensing she had a whole loads of words to speak. “perhaps it was my sister who drove this fear into me that i wouldn’t be accepted here.”

a kind smile between a vendor and oberyn was exchanged from his viewing of the products, but he listened intently to every word. “growing up, you were taught we were animals.”

aurane nodded and laughed incredulously. “savages,” she corrected him. such biased opinions had been written in the books she’d read as a child when learning about westeros. “and during the past week, i’ve found you’re nothing like the sort.”

the prince chuckled and smiled so that butterflies flew down aurane’s throat and into her stomach, where they would remain. “oh, really?”

her eyes watched as he turned to look at every sort of item being sold that day. suddenly, his kindness was a likable attribute to aurane and she blushed with a sly smirk. “if i’m telling the truth here,” he nodded. “you might even be better than those in king’s landing.”

“well, it’s not hard to be better than a lannister.” his remark wasn’t hateful or vengeful as oberyn smirked back and for a second, aurane had forgotten that there were guards behind her or merchants and traders and farmers all around. it felt like it was just the two of them enjoying them a quiet afternoon and a simple conversation. she quite liked it. “perhaps we should find lunch somewhere.”

aurane furrowed her eyebrows with a crooked smile before hesitantly laughing. “you mean,” she found no falter in the prince’s expression. “dining in a- a what, a restaurant?”

this seemed to take oberyn by surprise because, and it was the only time aurane could find him doing this that day, he laughed unsurely. the red viper was never unsure and even he himself couldn’t say what was happening. “well, yes,” his eyes began to scan over the many shops and restaurants in search of a meal. “that is what restaurants tend to do.”

such comment was not meant to be sarcastic or snarky or rude. it was a mindless thought that oberyn had just happened speak out. “i’ve never been in a restaurant,” aurane whispered and looked to the ground. would the owners of whatever eating house oberyn picked be peaceful with a lannister princess dining in their business.

oberyn had heard her mumble but said nothing of it. there was a pit at the bottom of his stomach, it’d been there since his sister was murdered, and he hadn’t felt such sympathy in that pit from elia’s death until now, when aurane muscles grew tense because people were starting to look.

there were whispers. the worst kind of whispers; the kind where it seemed as if every person had something to say but it was impossible to make out. eyes were glued to the couple yet hands remained at their jobs. oberyn had never seen his city spark in such controversy. had aurane been right? would they treat her differently? he looked to the girl beside him and found that she was hearing the whispers too yet there was no stall in her walk. if someone had quickly glanced at her, she would glare back at them. her chin was raised high and oberyn, such as he had done with ellaria, felt compassion and admiration.

he gulped silently at the sudden change of heart in his city. as they began to walk further and further, growing deeper in sunspear, the whispers began to fade in and out. the rumored lannister princess was finally showing her face. “here, my sun,” he pointed to a small tavern with trays of produce and potted flowers in front of the windows. “i’ve been told you can handle the dornish spices.”

aurane blushed and nodded as the sudden mention of such topic caused her mind to flash to ellaria. she wanted to see the older lady again desperately and she wasn’t sure why. the entrace of the restaurant was not grand or heavenly or designed with a golden intricate design. it was a simple tavern with at least sixty plants hung and placed on the perimeter. it had been one large room and, for the time of day, strangely empty. aurane suspected that the prince had reserved it in secret but she wouldn’t comment on it.

before either of them stepped foot into the tavern, oberyn placed a gentle hand on her forearm and pointed to one of the potted plants that held six white flowers with layers of small triangular petals. a few of the flowers had a pink hue to them but the white ones took aurane by interest.

“a dahlia,” the prince smiled, gently dragging his fingers over the petals. his eyes seemed entranced over the small plant. “you don’t see them very much.”

aurane smiled and turned to oberyn. “they grow rarely in king’s landing,” her words were sweet but there was something in oberyn’s gaze that seemed so reminiscent. he was longing for something. “what is it?”

he chewed the inside of his cheek and aurane turned to the guards standing protectively behind them. even they seemed aware of whatever oberyn had been feeling. “elia’s favorite flower,” his lips curled with a raspy voice before picking the flower from it’s stem and holding it between his two fingers. oberyn then looked to aurane, who was more understanding now, and wove the flower through her hair until it sat behind her ear. aurane could only smile.

―

the day was ending and the sun was starting to set. a large lunch had filled aurane’s stomach so there was no room for dinner. oberyn must’ve been the same because on their walk back to the castle, he, too, walked with heavy feet. the guard’s behind them didn’t stumble in their steps as the sunlight was fading.

“i hoped you enjoy our walk today,” oberyn spoke, his hands behind his back as they strolled along the secret pathway. while exiting the city through the small door just as they had done earlier that day, aurane had been careful to crouch down so that her flower would stay woven in her hair.

she nodded and listened to the waves because there wasn’t much else to here. the bustling of the city was muffled by the wall but aurane didn’t mind a little of bit of silence as the day ended. “i think i did,” the dahlia, which had at first felt strange when touching her temple was now softly brushing against her skin. “and i did enjoy lunch.” she turned to the prince.

“i don’t suppose you still want dinner?” he asked politely, looking down only two inches to her height. most of the woman oberyn had been with, apart from ellaria, could only reach his shoulder but the top of aurane’s head touched just below his nose.

it was peaceful for him to watch her laugh so effortlessly and genuinely as the shore threatened to crash above the pathaway. they’d been inches away from the water but yet no sign of fear arose. “no, i think i’ve had my fill for the day.”

a nod in response before oberyn sighed, “join me in my chambers.” just as his voice normally did toward the end of the day, he sounded raspy and tired yet every part of him was awake while he looked at aurane.

was it an offer for a night of pleasure? the rumors of oberyn and his countless lovers had been spread all throughout westeros and he didn’t seem ashamed by them. aurane had no problem with bedding someone before she was married, she’d done it before, but she hadn’t thought that the prince would draw her close just for a fuck. the prince laughed and shook his head, noticing aurane’s train of thought. “i can promise you, lion, it’s not like that,” he chuckled out. aurane’s cheeks burned in embarrassment. “when was the last time you had a bath?”

they were now in the abandoned west wing that remained darker than the rest of the castle, but aurane didn’t find it unpleasant or frightening. oberyn could barely find the courage to walk around these quarters of the castle himself but aurane, who had lived with the family responsible of the death of the former inhabitant of sunspear, strolled so unbothered down those halls. it wasn’t because she had no care for elia martell’s death, if anything it was the opposite, but no--this was because aurane could swallow the lannister pride and respect the fact that her father slaughtered oberyn’s sister.

once they had arrived in the east wing, oberyn turned to his soldiers and cocked his head for them to leave him and aurane. because they had been under prince doran’s command, they each shared a glance of hesitation but one simple stern eye and a whispered “have my maidens fetch warm water for my room” and they continued to walk down the hallway, leaving the oncoming couple alone. “you wouldn’t oppose a bath, would you?”

aurane’s first experience of a bath in dorne had been lovely, mainly due to the spices and scents of the salts and soaps she combed through her hair. she sighed heavily, her chest rising with her breath before smiling, “no, i don’t think i would.” the rest of their walk was in sweet silence. the castle seemed to be asleep--the gardens were empty and the hallways barren of the normal maidens hurrying down to each room. aurane noticed that they walked past her room and she wondered just how close her and oberyn had been to each other this entire time. the floors, still a pristine polished marble, seemed to glimmer as the last of the sun could be seen in the sky. finally, they had arrived at oberyn’s door, which were exactly the same as aurane’s.

she chuckled and looked back down the hallway to where her doors stood and then back at the prince. “all this time and you’ve been down the hallway?” oberyn shrugged and opened the door for the princess. she bit on her tongue when she was instantly greeted with the overpowering aroma of citrus sugar.

“don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts now?” the prince smirked and aurane showed no hesitation as she sauntered confidently into the room, soon slowing her steps.

his room had been much bigger than hers, yet held the same amount of furniture and looked still so full. the bed was placed next to the equivalent wall that aurane’s bed was in her room. the windows were so close to the bed that it seemed to her morning’s must’ve been perfect because the sun could just simply leak in through the windows and darken the skin of whoever lied upon the bed. next to the opening of the room was a desk that held what looked like to be hundreds of crumpled papers and a quill and its ink. on the opposite side of his room was a large wooden tub that could hold multiple bodies and the simple thought of who had been in there before almost sickened aurane. the tub had been filled to the brim with warm water and on a small table beside it were various soaps and salts.

it was sudden but the door had been closed and oberyn’s hands landed on aurane bare shoulders. she shuddered gently and he immediately removed his touch. “lion,” he spoke steadily and turned aurane to him.

they both turned so their backs faced each other and she could hear him unbuttoning his top. her fingers did their best to trail over the clip in the rear of her dress but fumbled over the soft fabric. she sighed and turned to the prince but found he’d already reversed back to her. his chest was completely bare as he was only dressed in his pants. he must’ve silently slipped his boots off because his feet were also bare against the marble. he cocked his head and pushed on her shoulder so she turned once again. his index and thumb found the clip so simply and undid it so the fabric feel loose against her body, but her hands flew to her chest to catch it from falling completely off. there a crumpling noise of leather dropping into a heap on the floor. water splashed apart and together until it was silent again. while keeping her back facing oberyn, aurane turned her head and met his eyes.

he sat against the side of the tub with his arms held up along the edge of the wood. “are you scared, lion?” he asked so sweetly yet remained so stern.

the only thing that stood in the way of aurane standing as naked as the day she was born in front of the prince was her hands clutching onto the dress. “close your eyes.” she whispered. oberyn only sighed and rose a hand over his eyes, gently squeezing them shut for reassurance. the dress cascaded down to the floor with an inaudible sound. she stepped one foot in the water and the warmth instantly felt calming. once aurane stood completely in the tub, she began to sink to the bottom, where she sat with the surface of her bath reaching just above her breasts.

“can i open?” the prince asked.

aurane brought her knees to her chest and spoke aloud a, “yes.” her arms wrapped around her legs as oberyn rested his hand again and smiled. somehow, despite her cowering position, aurane felt more confident than ever with all of her body exposed.

that sly smile spread over oberyn’s face again as twirled his finger for aurane to turn around. she did so and sat closer to him in between his legs. her breath almost hitched when she felt his length against her back but he didn’t act upon it. instead, he lathered his hands with a lemon-scented shampoo and combed it throughout the strands of aurane’s hair. it was a soothing feeling as his fingertips gently massaged her scalp and aurane could’ve fallen asleep right there. once her hair was completely covered in the suds, oberyn then cupped his hands into the water and poured it over her head, watching as the soap washed out fairly easily.

she chuckled. “how many girls have you given baths too?” she noted his expertise. it wasn’t every man who knew who to treat a woman’s hair--not in westeros.

once her hair was completely cleaned and dripping and pushed it to the side of her neck so her back was bare. he placed a soft kiss against the top of her spine, “do you want to know?” and began to caress her arms with the bar of soap. aurane gently shook her head and smiled. for a month, she’d be tense and anxious for what her fate awaited for her. for the past week, while remaining in her room she’d grown closer and closer to that fate and could not see perfectly clear what it was. and if it really was this, she didn’t mind. a finger was suddenly brushed over a raw piece of skin on her arm and she shivered under the touch.

oberyn’s eyebrows furrowed in concern before sitting up and looking over the top of aurane’s arm. “lion,” he cooed, gazing at the ruined skin--a scar. “how did you acquire such a wound?”

the question was one that aurane didn’t have to answer often because it was only her family who had seen it and she’d never left the castle for anyone else to glimpse her scar.

“fire,” she spoke as he continued to gently rub over the healed wound with one hand, and the other poured water over the soap on her body. the sun had now completely set and the stars were glimmering over the surface of the water. the moonlight had such an effect on aurane’s frame--there was a silver lining against her curves and edges and oberyn wanted nothing more than to cherish it. “casterly rock didn’t like how the last lannister child was a bastard, furthermore with a rumored dornishwoman. i had never seen the city until i was four namedays,” the prince remained quiet as another kiss was placed on her shoulder. “my father had been hesitant about letting me into the festivals. but my brother had begged. he said ‘she’ll never learn to be a good ruler if she can’t know her people’, so papa had my sister escort me along with four other guards.”

a kiss on her knuckles as he held her hand. “and?”

“i’d gotten lost along the way. i didn’t think it was possible for a city to hate a child so much but i’d been proven wrong.” underneath the water, aurane moved her hands in such delicate motions. “i was in alley or- something like that, i can’t remember. but there were two men there and a woman. they were sneering and laughing at the little lost lannister princess,” a kiss on her wrist. “one was holding a candle since the sun was setting for the festivities to begin, and as i was trying to walk away, they pressed the fire against my arm,” the memories were still there in aurane’s mind but they didn’t spark anger or vengeance in her. she had accepted it. “my sister then found me and my father had them hanged.”

oberyn chuckled and planted a firm kiss on her neck. the loving and affectionate actions hadn’t taken aurane by surprise. she knew of the prince’s ways and respects. “lannisters are dangerous people.”

he talked of her family as if she wasn’t a part of it. maybe she wasn’t--maybe aurane wasn’t a lannister like her father or siblings because her mother had been a dornishwoman and aurane had been born a bastard. “yes, they are.”

―

suddenly, all the peace and comfort aurane had felt during her first week in sunspear dissolved into dust and blown away in the cool evening breeze she loved to feel after the hot days of dorne. the last time she’d been pampered was her last day in king’s landing. her maidens had braided her hair and her sister had applied the sheer cover of make-up to her skin that wasn’t needed very much. during her week, aurane had dressed herself and brushed her own hair and washed her own body, but now, she sat in a chair in front of her mirror with several maidens surrounding her. one was twirling and brushing and braiding her hair, another was powdering her face, and the last was tying the loose strings in the back of aurane’s dress.

why was she so nervous? the night before had been so simple--oberyn showed love and they’d bathed and because he was so understanding, she returned to her chambers where she slept for only two hours.

a maiden giggled. “it’s a wonder, your grace,” she admired. “i sleep only four hours through the night and i always wake up with darkness under my eyes.”

aurane smiled in response and nodded quietly. her dress was the usual white, but behind it was a golden tint in honor of the lannister house, although she knew that dorne wanted nothing to do with their enemies. she looked at her reflection and her mirror and liked what she saw, but despite her beauty and fairness, her fingers absentmindedly began to fiddle with each other.

she sighed fairly and the maidens looked to each other on what to say. the oldest one, who looked about aurane’s sister’s age, stumbled on her words before noting, “i hope you know you look heavenly, your grace,” she leaned down and tucked a strand of hair behind aurane’s ear.

the princess smiled in response before the second maiden spoke, “very heavenly, indeed,” aurane looked back to her reflection and attempted to smile with pride but it came out slightly unhinged. “the prince is a good man. you’re marrying a very good man.”

a knock echoed through aurane’s room as she inhaled deeply, sticking out her chest. the first maiden went to the door and the two other followed suite. aurane did not turn to see who was at the door because she knew, by tradition, it could not be oberyn.

“my lady,” a maiden curtsied before ellaria sand could brush her off.

the older woman bowed her head back and looked to aurane. the sound of her voice, so peaceful and loving and...maternal, piqued interest in the princess and she smiled at the sight of oberyn’s lover. ellaria wore a bright yellow linen dress with golden plating on her shoulders that were attached to more honey-colored pieces of fabric that cascaded down her arms and to the floor. she looked heavenly. “are you ready, lion?”

aurane’s gaze softened and her lips parted.

tags: @ohpedromypedro @zeldasayer @pascalpapi @absurdthirst @cyarikaaa @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa @pedropascalonline @pedropascalito @pedropascalitofics @honeychicanawrites @otherthingsinhead @wakalas @pedropascalispapi @heavenbarnes @qveenbvtch @foreverlostindreams @forever-rogue @arianawills @liadamerondjarin @pascalisthepunkest

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