#(I miss my therapist I am going to hate my new one no matter what she says
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Every time I see fictional enactments of people having mental breakdowns I’m like. ‘Is it not normal to do that like three times a week’. I’m going to have. Such major heart problems. My whole life. I just know it.
The swinging between hysterical, sad and mad? The eyes wide rolling around in my damn skull? The struggle to breathe and not choke on your own spit? The sensation that you might just lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close? The existential hysteria questioning YOUR VERY EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF CAUSALITY AND WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AND COULD THEY NOT BE AND COULD SOMEONE JUST TAKE ME AWAY TAKE ME AWAY.
It’s that last part especially. When you start getting. So. In your god damn feels. YOURE BEGGING THE UNIVERSE FOR REPRIEVE ON REPEAT AS YOU SWAY BACK N FORTH LIKE YOURE HAVING THE WORST TRIP IMAGINABLE TRYING TO CONTACT GOD. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. KILL ME. RUN OVER MY HEAD. NEVER WAKE ME. SEND ME TO HELL ILL PAY FOR MY SINS NOW PLEASE PLEEAASSE ANYTHING BUT A MOMENTS MORE OF TORMENT. that kinda. Shit.
Every day people look at me and tell me I’m fine. I’m smart I’m practical I’m insightful I’m hanging on I’m resourceful I seem GREAT. Hell. My problems aren’t even that bad from their perspective (and maybe they’re right!)
I want to kill them every time and maybe one day I’ll smack someone across the face. Maybe break my knuckles smashing their nose into their brain. I think. I deserve it.
ANYWAY. had another lapse of mental angst because I cannot prioritize without a helper and that means I’m drowning in an infinitely vast array priorities, and should I spare one even a second of my attention, my anxiety comes running at me with a machete to ritually slaughter me for thinking for a second THAT was my highest priority.
I just want. To live. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t know what’s important. Except for. Being In a Domestic Cow Like State of UNTHINKING. and it makes me wanna explode my surroundings with my mind.
I’m getting a headache from being stuck in executive dysfunction too long and I donttt liikkeee iittttt.
LIKE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVIN A GOOD ONE. I was supposed to be feelin a GOOD EMOTION SPARKED. INSPIRATION. INSPIRATION FOR MY DESIRE TO WRITE A STORY. But instead. I was smacked with that reminder that. I don’t choose what’s important and what needs to be done and if I do it. I don’t get to choose. So why both having dreams? Why bother having wants? Wishes? Why bother? (It would matter more if I had a community that HELPS ME and maybe I have a community that PROTECTS me but that’s. Not the same. I feel so fuckin brainless. My thoughts bounce in every direction but go Nowhere. They loop back on themselves and fight each other like rabid animals. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with a brain like this. Forever. Happily. Not without reliable support. Which doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as reliable. Everything is temporary. So it’s always fINE THEN you have to FIND A WAY TO COPE. ALONE? FOREVER? It’s bullshit. I hate this shit. Ahhhhh.
I wanted to think Ooo Ahh inspiration for a story I want to write so bad.
But it just went ‘when. When will you write. How. Will you be afloat. Will it distract you. Distract you from friends from life from stability? You can’t even take care of yourself you don’t deserve to do anything until you can take care of yourself and function with others and *you have so many other higher priorities that will kill you if you do not attend to them first*’
Weeps
THERAPIST SAID I DIDNT HAVE OCD. NOT EVEN PURE O. AND MAYBE SHE RIGHT. I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IF PUSHED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WHICH IM NEVER. BECAUSE IM ALONE. AND THAT MEANS I END UP RUMINATING TIL I HAVE HEART AND STOMACH PAINS. AHHHHHHH.
Awoooo
Awoooo
I hate it
#me.#therapy.#mur has a moment.#suicidal ideation//#negative//#(I’m not feelin it now but boy#(I will lapse in and out for being. a fucking. mess.#(if I allow myself even a moment of non distraction#(sometimes I can see where the stereotypes for autism come from#(yeah. maybe I do wanna zone out unspeaking on one thing#(and if you interrupt me I will lose my shit so hard I may just hurt everyone around me and myself#(because I am. I. so much. mental anguish. on the regular.#(I miss my therapist I am going to hate my new one no matter what she says#(she went on medical leave the minute my old therapist left#(like yeahyeahyeah sure can’t control that#(you could’ve emailed anyone about my continuum of care but you DIDNT#(I HOPE U HAVE TEN THOUSAND ALLERGIC REACTIONS
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Hi there! I've had this idea stuck in my head for a while and I'd rather read it than write it lol -though I might write something myself eventually-
Reader strongly disliking physical touch from everyone but Steve, and him being completely oblivious to it. The rest of the friend group pointing it out and him refusing to believe them, so the whole lot decide to prove him wrong with some sort of masterplan. (Idiots in love am I right)
What do you think? Hope you have a great day xxx
The Only Exception || Steve Harrington x female!reader
Summary: Physical touch was something you despised, but as always, Steve’s touch was the only exception. When he refuses to believe that you actually hate the whole concept of it, the kids come up with a plan to prove him wrong.
Word Count: 2.3k
Warnings: fluff, a tiny bit of angst, reader dislikes physical touch
A/N: I’m sorry it took so long for me to write it. It was difficult because I’m the complete opposite (big fan of physical touch), but I tried my best to implement it in the story. I hope you like it! Also, this is not based on the Paramore song “The Only Exception”, I just thought that the title would fit this story lmao
The warm and bright rays of sunshine slip through the curtains, shining directly on your face and awakening you from your unconscious state. You squeeze your eyes shut and turn to face the other side. A hand comes up to your face, its thumb caressing your cheek slowly. You open your eyes and are met with Steve’s sleepy gaze.
“Hey,” he whispers as he gives you a small smile.
“G’morning,” you murmur as you put your arms around his waist and hug him close. “How long have you been up for?”
“Not long, I was just waiting for you to wake up,” he says nuzzling against your neck. He leaves a trail of soft kisses all the way from your jaw to your collarbone.
“I missed you last night,” he continues.
“I’m sorry, I had to stay later than planned because this customer would just not shut up,” you groan as you remember the encounter. He pulls back to meet his gaze with yours.
“I mean, he just kept going on and on about how his son was going off the rails with this so-called ‘satanic’ D&D game, saying that he was worried he would turn out to be a cult member,” rubbing the sleep from your eyes and then raising your arms above your head to stretch.
“All I did was ask how he was doing, which is obviously a question that is asked clearly out of courtesy. I’m just a retail worker working minimum wage, not a therapist,” you scoff and roll your eyes in frustration.
He looks at you with an amused expression. He loved that you felt comfortable enough to rant about your feelings, knowing full well that you had trouble doing so with most people. But he also found it entertaining because of the way you told your stories.
“Don’t worry about it, dove. I’m just glad to wake up next to you,” he says, voice still raspy from sleep. He pulls you back into a hug and you close your eyes, letting the warmth from his touch embrace you like the world’s most comfortable blanket.
In the two months you and Steve had been dating, neither of you had discussed your love languages. He assumed yours was physical touch since you always welcomed his touch eagerly. Because of this, he never had a reason to think otherwise. But in reality, you were never one to favor physical closeness. Your childhood lacked the expression of love through touch because your parents were never affectionate with you, or with each other for that matter.
Before Steve, any kind of physical closeness would make you uncomfortable. However, having him that close would not only make you happy but calm. His hugs and kisses were like a breath of fresh air. It was something new and exciting, yet calming when you were stressed or low-spirited. Despite loving having him that close, his touch was the only one you tolerated. You, of course, were certain that his love language was physical touch; it was as clear as day and everyone knew it.
“Come on, let’s go get some breakfast so we can help set up for Dustin’s birthday party,” you say as you let go of Steve and sit up into a cross-legged position. He throws his arm over his face and sighs.
“Alright, just give me five more minutes of sleep and then I’ll get up to shower,” he mumbles into his arm.
“Five minutes will turn into ten, ten will turn into twenty, and next thing you know we’ll be an hour late, Steve”
“Fine,” he groans, “I’m getting up now.”
Your mouth quirks up at the corners with contentment. You love living with Steve. Moments of simple domestic bliss are your favorite, especially ones like these. Mornings with him are so soft. It is when you would let your guard down, allowing yourself to be who you really are, and it’s the same way for him. Uncrossing your legs, you give him a kiss on the forehead and get up from the bed. The two of you need to be at the Wheeler’s place soon to set up for the party, and if there’s one thing you dislike more than anything is being late.
“Stevie, you better be in the shower by the time I come back!” you shout as you head to the kitchen to make breakfast for the two of you. As much as you love Steve, mornings, when you had somewhere else to be, were not easy.
—
“Happy birthday, Henderson,” Steve smiles as he embraces Dustin in a tight hug. The setup for the party had been pretty easy. All of the kids had offered to help make their friend’s birthday a special one, especially after everything that happened with the Upside Down.
“Thanks, man,” Dustin responds.
“You know, it would’ve been a hell of a lot easier if you had told us what you wanted as a present instead of having us guess,” Steve says while rolling his eyes.
Although he loved the kid, he hated trying to find a present that would be perfect to Dustin’s liking. It was incredibly stressful to him because he wanted it to be perfect. He wanted him to have a present that he would actually enjoy, something that Steve hadn’t experienced in his childhood as a result of his parent’s emotional negligence. Sure, they always provided him with anything he needed, but they never bothered to give him the attention and affection all childrens need. Every year, his parents would always give him money to buy whatever he wanted, even as a child. The thought that goes into buying a loved one something they want is much better than an envelope with a hundred bucks and a half-hearted congratulations.
“I’m sure I’ll love whatever you got me. Plus, where’s the fun in just telling you?”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, dude. It better be something you like, otherwise I’m making you bike to return it for something you actually like. I’m not wasting gas on that,” he grumbles. You give him a knowing smile, after all, you know him well enough to know that he was all bark and no bite. At least not when it came to the people he loved. It seemed like Dustin knew it too because he just chuckles at his remark.
“Happy birthday, Dustin,” you smile as you hand the young teen a blue envelope that contains a birthday card.
“Thanks, y/n!” he says much more enthusiastically. Suddenly, he wraps his arms around you, with your own pinned against your side. You become still as a statue, not knowing how to respond to his touch. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, you bring your right hand up to his back and give him a quick pat. He seems to get the hint because he drops his arms and gives you a slight smile.
“Steve, could you help me carry one of my new inventions? It’s in the garage and it’s just too heavy for me to carry it,” Dustin says.
“Sure, sure,” Steve responds. “Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own?” he says as he turns to you.
“I’m sure. I’ll go ask Mrs. Henderson if she needs help with anything,” you smile reassuringly.
“Alright,” he says, giving you a small peck on the cheek before turning on his heel to follow Dustin.
Dustin opens the door to the garage, finding the rest of his friends sitting on the floor playing a boardgame.
“What are you guys doing here?” Steve questions.
“Dustin’s mom got mad at us for yelling while playing the game. She told us to either tone it down or come to the garage. So, we decided to come here instead,” Lucas shrugs. “What are you doing here? I thought you would be hanging out with the others,” he adds. Steve assumes that by the others he means Robin, Jonathan, Nancy, and you.
“I was, but Henderson over here wanted me to help him carry something that was apparently too heavy for him. Which is bullshit because I know for a fact he would rather struggle to carry something than ask for my help.”
With that, he turns to look at Dustin. “So what’s going on, dude?” he questions, brow arched in suspicion.
“When were you going to tell me that y/n hates hugs?” Dustin asks.
“What are you talking about? She loves hugs,” he says, surprise crossing his face.
“You know damn well what I’m talking about. It sure would’ve been better if you had told me before I hugged her today.”
Steve shoots him a quizzical look and asks, “I seriously have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“Everytime we hug her she either awkwardly stands very still with her arms pinned to her sides or just dodges the gesture altogether,” Max joins in, “I thought you knew that already.”
“You guys have no idea what you’re talking about,” Steve says.
“It’s true, last week when she helped me with my History homework, I tried to give her a hug but she just stook out her hand for a handshake instead,” Will reveals.
“And a few minutes ago she just stood very still and gave me a pat on the back while I gave her a hug,” Dustin adds.
“I think I would know if my girlfriend disliked physical touch,” Steve insists.
“You think we’re making it up? Fine, we’ll prove you wrong, Dingus,” Dustin fires back. He goes up to Mike and whispers something in his ear. Mike nods and turns to whisper the same thing in El’s ear.
“Let’s go,” Dustin says. The rest of the kids follow him, Steve trailing right behind them. They head to the living room, where you’re sitting on the couch reading your book.
“Hey, y/n,” Dustin greets you. You look from your novel, and smile at the kids.
“Hey,” you answer back.
“We just wanted to thank you for everything you have done for us. I mean, from helping us out with our English and History homework, to giving us rides to the arcade and helping decorate for my birthday party,” he continues.
“Yeah, and thanks for the relationship advice you gave us earlier this week,” Mike comments as he glances at El.
“There’s no need to thank me, I’m happy to help out however I can,” giving them a gentle smile.
“Can I give you a hug?” El asks shyly.
“Oh, uh, sure,” you mutter. You step forward in her direction and wrap your left arm around her shoulders for a brief second. When you step back, you give her a tight smile and put your hands in the pockets of your jacket.
“Are you okay, y/n?” Lucas asks.
“Of course,” you reply.
“Did I do something wrong? Was my hug that bad?” El asks you, a frown forming on her face.
“What? No, not at all. You’re a great hugger El” you quickly say.
“Or do you just don’t like us? Is that why you hate our hugs?” Dustin inquires, brows furrowed in worry.
“It’s not you guys, I promise. I’m just not that fond of physical touch,” you admit, an apologetic look on your face.
“What? All this time you’ve hated it and you couldn’t even tell me?” Steve asks, a hurtful look crossing his face.
“We’ll leave you two to talk,” Dustin says quietly. They all glance at each other in confusion, but Dustin nods towards the hallway that leads back to the garage. They exit the room, leaving the two of you in awkward silence.
“Does that mean that you’ve hated all of the kisses and hugs I’ve been giving you this entire time?” Steve asks, eyebrows lowered and pulled together.
You close the space that separates the two of you and bring your hands up to his face to softly cup his cheek.
“Baby, I’ve loved every single kiss and hug you have given me so far. Look, I know we’ve never discussed this, but physical touch doesn’t come easy to me. I mean, the kids just proved it,” you laugh humorlessly.
“My parents were never affectionate with me, so anything that involves touching other people makes me uncomfortable. I never thought that it would change, but then you came along and became my only exception,” you continue, “Trust me when I say that nothing makes me happier than feeling you close to me.”
“But why didn’t you say anything, dove?” he asks softly, tilting up your chin and cupping both of your cheeks. You take your hands off his face and hold his wrists instead, as if to keep his hands in place.
“It never came up. Plus, I didn’t want you to think that I hated your touch,” you answer in the same tone.
“I’m sorry for not saying anything,” you add.
“And I’m sorry for not noticing it sooner,” he responds.
“I guess we’re just two idiots in love, huh? Too blinded to see the obvious,” he chuckles.
“I guess we are,” you chuckle as well, standing on your toes to meet your lips with his.
—
Taglist: @shyawayfromme @untitledarea
For some reason I couldn’t tag most of the people that answered my google form taglist, just these two. Not sure why it’s happening but sorry!
#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington#steve harrington x you#steve harrington fluff#stranger things fanfiction#fanfic#eddie munson x reader#steve harrington angst#steve harrington x female reader#steve harrington imagine#steve harrington x reader fluff#steve harrington blurb#steve harrington one shot#steve harrington x reader fanfic#steve harrington x y/n#steve harrington fanfic
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"Sour" by Olivia Rodrigo Sentence Starters
BRUTAL
"I want it to be, like, messy."
"I think that I'll die before I drink."
"I'm so caught up in the news of who likes me and who hates you."
"They'd all be so disappointed."
"Cause who I am if not exploited?"
"Where's my fucking teenage dream?"
"If someone tells me one more time, 'Enjoy your youth', I'm gonna cry."
"I wish I'd done this before."
"I wish people liked me more."
"All I did was try my best, this the kind of thanks I get?"
"They say these are the golden years, but I wish I could disappear."
"Ego crush is so severe."
"God, it's brutal out here."
"I feel like no one wants me."
"I hate the way I'm perceived."
"Lately, I'm a nervous wreck."
"I love people I don't like."
"Got a broken ego, broken heart."
"God, I don't even know where to start."
TRAITOR
"I played dumb, but I always knew."
"I kept quiet so I could keep you."
"Ain't it funny how you ran to her/him/them the second that we called it quits?"
"You betrayed me, and I know that you'll never feel sorry."
"Loved you at your worst, but that didn't matter."
"Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor."
"If you were true, there's no damn way that you could fall in love with somebody that quickly."
"Remember I brought her/him/them up and you told me I was paranoid?"
"I wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you."
DRIVERS LICENSE
"How could I ever love someone else?"
"I know we weren't perfect, but I've never felt this way for no one."
"I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone."
"You said forever, now I drive alone past your street."
"All my friends are tired of hearing how much I miss you."
"I kinda feel sorry for them, cause they'll never know you the way that I do."
"I can't drive past the places we used to go to."
"I still fucking love you, babe."
"You know I still love you, babe."
1 STEP FORWARD, 3 STEPS BACK
"You got me fucked up in the head."
"I hate that I give you power over that kinda stuff."
"It's always one step forward and three steps back."
"I'm the love of your life until I make you mad."
"Do you love me, want me, hate me?"
"Maybe in some masochistic way I kinda find it all exciting."
"Which lover will I get today?"
"Will you walk me to the door or send me home crying?"
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Maybe this is all your fault."
DEJA VU
"When you gonna tell her/him/them that we did that, too?"
"That was our place, I found it first."
"I made the jokes you tell to her/him/them."
"When she's/he's/they're with you, do you get déjà vu?"
"Do you call her/him/them, and almost say my name?"
"I hate to think that I was just your type."
"Don't act like we didn't do that shit, too."
"Everything is all reused."
GOOD 4 U
"Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily."
"Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?"
"I guess that you've been working on yourself."
"I bet that therapist I found for you, she really helped."
"You're doing great out there without me."
"God, I wish that I could do that."
"I've lost my mind, I've spent the night crying on the floor of my bathroom."
"You're so unaffected, I really don't get it."
"I guess you're getting everything you want."
"It's like we never even happened."
"What the fuck is up with that?"
"It's like you never even met me."
"Remember when you swore to God I was the only person who ever got you?"
"Well, screw that, and screw you."
"You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do."
"Maybe I'm too emotional."
"Your apathy is like a wound in salt."
"Maybe you never cared at all."
ENOUGH FOR YOU
"Tried so hard to be everything that you liked just for you to say you're not the compliment type."
"Stupid, emotional, obsessive little me."
"I knew from the start this is exactly how you'd leave."
"You found someone more exciting, the next second, you were gone."
"You left me there crying, wondering what I did wrong."
"You always say I'm never satisfied, but I don't think that's true."
"All I ever wanted was to be enough for you."
"You couldn't have cared less about someone who loved you more."
"I'd say you broke my heart, but you broke much more than that."
"I don't want your sympathy, I just want myself back."
"Don't you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded?"
"Don't tell me you're sorry, feel sorry for yourself."
"Someday, I'll be everything to somebody else."
"You always say I'm never satisfied, but that's not me, it's you."
"I don't think anything could ever be enough for you."
"Nothing's enough for you."
HAPPIER
"We broke up a month ago."
"Your friends are mine, you know I know."
"You moved on, found someone new."
"I thought my heart was detached from all the sunlight of our past."
"Does she/he/they mean you forgot about me?"
"I hope you're happy, but not like how you were with me."
"I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go."
"So find someone great, but don't find no one better."
"I hope you're happy, but don't be happier."
"An eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean."
JEALOUSY, JEALOUSY
"I kinda wanna throw my phone across the room."
"Comparison is killing me slowly."
"I'm so sick of myself."
"I'd rather be anyone else."
"My jealousy started following me."
"I see everyone getting everything I want."
"I'm happy for them, but then again, I'm not."
"Their win is not my loss."
"I can't help getting caught up in it all."
"I wanna be you so bad and I don't even know you."
"All I see is what I should be."
FAVORITE CRIME
"Know that I loved you so bad, I let you treat me like that."
"I was your willing accomplice, honey."
"The things I did just so I could call you mine."
"I hope I was your favorite crime."
"You used me as an alibi."
"I crossed my heart as you crossed the line."
"I defended you to all my friends."
"Every time a siren sounds, I wonder if you're around."
"You know that I'd do it all again."
"It's bittersweet to think about the damage that we'd do."
"I was going down, but I was doing it with you."
"I say that I hate you with a smile on my face."
"Look what we became."
"I hope I was your favorite crime, cause, baby, you were mine."
HOPE UR OK
"Somehow, we fell out of touch."
"Don't know if I'll see you again someday."
"If you're out there, I hope that you're okay."
"We don't talk much, but I just gotta say, I miss you and I hope that you're okay."
"Nothing's forever, nothing's as bad as it seems."
"I hope you know how proud I am you were created with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred."
"I hope that you're happier today."
"I love you, and I hope that you're okay."
#rp memes#rp starters#rp prompts#rp lyric meme#lyric prompts#lyric starters#sentence starters#roleplay prompts#roleplay starters#not the old me. 2.0 me. no it's all of meme combined (ask meme)#when there was me and queue (queue)
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So I have a question and I'd like to ask for advice. I am 23 and I absolutely hate my mother. She basically knew that my dad was deadbeat and she was telling me about it the other day yet she still managed to be with him. On my way to finishing my bachlors degree and I actually think of entirely dropping her out of my life. It's a tough decision but she has abused me a lot. Mostly mentally and there's no respect between us, only mild tolerance. I know my decision is radical, but any advice on how I can move on and not think about her once I'm out of this house? I'm fully aware its a tough decision, but I can't do it anymore.
Good for you! Personally, I believe it's more radical to perpetually keep someone toxic in your life purely because they made a decision to bring you into this world. It was her job to create a stable, loving, and healthy relationship with you from birth until now – not the other way around. Please read Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson if you haven't already. This book is incredibly validating <3
Honestly, you're going to think about her a lot in the beginning. The grieving process of mourning a living parent who just couldn't be there for you is real. However, the best advice I can give when dealing with this type of situation is:
Validate and allow yourself to feel your feelings. Understand that all the harm and emotional abuse done to you is real
Lean on your support system (trusted friends, loved ones, a therapist)
Acknowledge the potential relationship missed out on in life because of the abuse. While it is ultimately your mother's fault, you have the right to acknowledge a relationship that was unfairly stolen from you from the get-go
Geninuely consider what makes you happy and what you can pursue in life to make you happy without any fear of judgment from your family (or anyone else, really). Create a vision board and then a game plan. Take a small step. Repeat every day to help you step into this new chapter of your life
Find ways to nourish your inner child daily/weekly. Be the mother to yourself you never had. Make yourself a nice cup of tea every evening, draw a relaxing bath, brush your hair slowly, and/or cook a nice dinner most nights of the week. You deserve to feel taken care of – even if it's only you present
Once you pull away/cut or limit contact, don't fall into the trap when she starts to play nice and tries to make amends. She's still the same person she's been for 23 years, so, as difficult as it is to internalize, understand that she won't change no matter what you say or how you behave. If she hasn't taken accountability for over two decades, this pattern won't be broken and reconfigured due to your deciding to take a step back. The moment you let your guard down and allow her to re-enter your life, the cycle will repeat. Don't get sucked in
Best of luck! Hope this helps xx
#toxic parents#toxic family#family trauma#estrangement#no contact#emotional abuse#adult children of emotionally immature parents#inner child#inner child healing#healing journey#trauma healing#self care#self love#higher self#glow up era#femmefatalevibe#q/a
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His home
I guess this would also fall under the happier times AU, so I’m gonna tag it as that too. The happier times AU is basically like Shiggy getting out from under AfO’s influence before he ever attacked UA and living a somewhat normal life while being in intensive therapy and getting a lot of help in general. I decided to write this because I’ve been thinking about my own time in therapy and how I wished I’d gotten help before things got as bad for me as they did. Way different circumstance from Shiggy of course, but I wanted to write some comfort/fluff too and this is how it ended up
You were sitting on the couch with Tomura’s legs on your lap as he laid there, playing on his console. You weren’t sure how to bring up the topic you wanted to talk about. You knew it was probably best to just be straight with him and get right to the point.
“You missed your therapy session on Monday” you said, dreading his reaction just a little bit.
“So?” he sighed, trying to sound like he didn’t care, but you saw his hands freeze as he stopped playing his game.
“You’ve been so good about going, and I was just wondering why you missed it?”
“I was busy” he groaned. “I don’t wanna talk about it” he crossed his arms on his chest with his console in one hand, glancing in your direction.
“If you don’t want to talk to the therapist about something, could you at least talk to me?”
“Why? What’s the point anyway?” Tomura growled with an annoyed tone.
“The point is, that I love you and I don’t want you to be alone with the crap that’s undoubtedly going through your head now that AFO has made the news again” you said, trying not to argue with him while making your stance on the matter clear. “That’s the thing that’s bothering you, am I right?”
Tomura didn’t say anything, he just draped his arm over his eyes and sighed. You had felt him tense up the second you had mentioned AfO. You knew he hated talking about AfO, and that it stressed him out majorly. You didn’t want to bring it up, you didn’t want to force him to talk about someone that had caused him so much pain, but you also wanted to know how he was feeling. You wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to start spiraling.
“I know you don’t want to talk about him, or anything related to him, but I just want to make sure you’re not going to a dark place again” you continued.
Tomura exhaled deeply, but said: “I’m fine, don’t wanna talk about it”
You sighed. You couldn’t make him talk, no matter how much you tried and you didn’t want to force him.
“Just tell me if you start feeling upset or anything like that. I don’t want you to be alone with this” you said and squeezed his calf, before getting up from the couch. “I’m gonna go make us some food, I’ll give a shout when it’s ready”
“Okay” Tomura muttered, still laying on the couch with his arm draped over his face.
He didn’t know why he was feeling like this. He thought the effects of what AfO had done to him would have lessened over time, but he could still feel that familiar headache coming on, like it always did when his former master made the news. God, he hated that headache. He hated feeling like he had no control again. He hated feeling helpless and weak.
“Hey, are you okay? You’re breathing pretty heavily” your voice cut through the fog that was overcoming his mind, and suddenly it was all clear again. “Tomura?” you asked and put your hand on his shoulder, looking down at him.
“Yeah, I’m fine” he said, lifting his arm off his face and placing his hand on your cheek.
You were so warm, so soft, you felt like home. You were all the kind, warm things he had been denied for so many years. His headache was gone, and so was the anger. You’d just melted it all away with your touch and voice.
You just stayed there for a few minutes as Tomura held his hand on your cheek, studying your face with his ruby red eyes.
“Oh fuck the food is burning” you yelped as the burnt smell hit your nostrils.
You placed a quick kiss on his forehead before disappearing into the kitchen.
Tomura could hear you groaning something like “Shit, shit, shit” in the kitchen, which made him smile just a little. He should probably talk to you, that damn therapist had never understood him like you did. You were his home, you were who he belonged with and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to change that.
#bnha#mha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#shigaraki tomura#bnha scenarios#mha scenarios#bnha fluff#mha fluff#comfort#bnha x reader#mha x reader#bnha fanfiction#mha fanfiction#happier times au
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Honestly I cleaned all the shit up off my floor and I am palpably less suicidal so whatever. Literally big whoop. Its fucked up that we will all go crazy with age and that we are run by the crazy because nobody can escape it. That the insanity pervades every inch of life, human animal and plant. Like let's be real, we're literally all on a timer. For just, world shattering grief. And once you realize it, you feel like you're living thousands at once. Every little moment in time where you still have most your loved ones, most your friends, your family, a pet, a neighbor, every single micro instance you are getting closer to losing them. So you go crazy. You feel like youre losing everything pre-emptively. A little bit of a test drive. Of course you'll never truly know how it feels until it happens. We are all damned to this, everything that creates life may do so then die. Or not, who gives a shit. & I feel like I'm the only person I know whos been this deeply rocked by this news. Like. Uhm, why is nobody talking about this. This is something that forces its way to the front of my mind every chance it gets. I miss when I was free from it. I literally want it to stop so bad I've considered killing myself so I can stop thinking about it. But thats an idiotic move. I hate grief. I dont want to make more of it. Not to my friends, not to my mommy. I wish I could just grab a stranger off the street and give them whatever the fuck I got in my head so it leaves me alone. Maybe slip it in their pocket like a stone. I feel fucking insane the way I genuinely feel like I can't enjoy anything because I know it too will die. Like isnt it a bit fucked. And this knowlege, the fact that everything is temporary is supposed to like, increase the value of the like, literal miracle of life and shit. And believe me, it does. Now that I've repaired my relationship to my mother I realize now how fragile her life is. I take her to dinner more often, buy her flowers more often, help her more, hang out with her more. I am creating memories for myself, and for her. I just want her to be happy. I know for a fact that if I killed myself she would follow. I love her so fucking much. I don't want her to suffer any more than I've already made her. Lets be frank, I fucking suck. For so much of my life I felt like I was put on this earth just to curse her. She went through hell to have me, and I fucking hated her. For no reason. I grew up thinking she would kill me, I made her cry and shit. And we're cool now. I want her last years to be happy. But after that? What then? She had to deal with her mothers death. But she's like 50. What of me? When I lose her young? I could kill myself after she dies, and I will really really really want to, but that's literlly stupid. Its stupid. What animal in nature kills itself because mommy died. We just, we all have to deal with it eventually, we all have to move on. If anything I could shit out a kid in my late 20s so it can also go through with what every single thing on earth from the first fucking sunbeam to touch the dead rocks had to deal with. The kid can go crazy just like me. Like literally every conscious thing & it literally doesnt matter. I can't tell this shit to a therapist cause I'm afraid she'll hit the silent alarm on me and they'll make the ending of i have no mouth and I must scream happen to me
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also... i feel like writing it down and getting it out of my system but... i mean... i told my boyfriend and two best friends... and my new therapist. . .. (i'm finally getting help!!! and it turned out that i was right!! it is that i have been suffering from utmattningssyndrom [exhaustion disorder] for the past 2 years! and also! finally i accept the fact that i have been suffering from it and i feel less of an impostor and also!! for the past 3 months i have been recovering and feeling better and better with every week, i wanted to cry last week when i was able to cycle! every day!! it was impossible even a month ago, i felt so humiliated with how little energy i had all the time.. usch, don't wish that shit on anyone) said that we're gonna Look Into It.. TBC
ok but yes, the thing is that 3 months ago one thought struck me and that is that i may be autistic.. at first i did cry bc i felt overwhelmed and scared because i have this imagine in my head of prejudice and lack of understanding what autism really is and that people on SM are trying to be quirky or special or whatever, i don't even know! it just felt so overwhelming.. but after that i had conducted more research that has been ongoing and.. i think apart from the fact that i just feel like i'm an impostor and that if i would say it out loud - other people will think that i'm 'making it up' (hehe that hasn't happened and those 3 close ppl are supportive BUT!!!) ---- apart from that.. the more i read and think - it just becomes more apparent that i am on the spectrum! and once again it feels like a lot but on the other hand it would explain so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! some silly things like me having to ask people if they're joking bc i really can't tell lol, same with irony, to not getting if someone is flirting with me, to people believing i'm being flirty while i'm just interested and excited about the topic and want to be nice lol, me losing my fucking everything and exploding internally while having to go for e.g. on tour - no matter how much i like someone - to be in the same space [car/venue/sleeping place] and to not have enough 'alone time' is just! i just fucking cant! mental breakdowns every 2nd day! i hate spending too much time with people (that doesn't apply to my boyfriend though but till exempel to my family/friends) in the same space! ----- and i mean... i have been diagnosed with ocd and social phobia while being a teenager but there were some things that have been.. puzzling me and now! it feels like i found the missing puzzle! and it feels both good and weird
and other things like being naive, an open book, shitload of thoughts, feeling intense feelings towards stuff - loving/hating, having hard time with 'not exploding' and att hantera emotions, seeing 'patterns', these whole stemming thing- whenever i listen to music that i love it's just.. i just cant NOT move fingers or hands or legs, getting stuck with some sayings/catchphrases that change every now and then, i guess i also overshare stuff but hard to tell hehe, always trying to learn how to navigate small talks and talking and social things, being called blunt, believing that i lack empathy because i just.. i cant imagine how it is to 'put myself in someone's shoes', loving 'shitposting' or wordplay bc they're either absurd and therefore funny or just easy to understand hehe, planning things, not being able to summarize things, doing lots of lists, i just f-ing love to research, getting sucked into things and having a very hard time to get out but also having a hard time to start doing shit and more things bla bl albla lbllalalal.. . .. writing it down so i can have it for future purposes
but yes.. it's scary but good i guess to realise that?
Smiley Emoji
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2023 wrap up ( thanks @spaceoperetta for the idea, hasn't even considered doing one!)
-very long, been a big year for me-
tw: d/ru/g usage discussed positively
- also worst depression since college, but at least it's not the manic-depressive mixed state I was in for most of those 4 years
- BUT I also found the first ever antidepressant that works for me a couple months ago! I've been on a mood stabilizer that's "worked" for me for years in terms of controlling the hypomania, but I would still sink into low, low depressions. Now I just feel capable of happiness, but I need to rebuild those neural pathways since they haven't been used in so long
- my husband and I's relationship is much, much better. Once we moved things got really not great, and he is a lovely and great person but I think he'd never had to /actually/ deal with anything or question himself before and being in a new place, with someone holding him accountable, who wouldn't just ignore any of the ineffective things he was doing or any of the negative things occurring freaked him out a bunch, especially because he had no distress tolerance skills. I have my own stuff to work on too, but his refusal to accept what he doesn't understand really exacerbated my emotional reactivity and now I have to unlearn all of those habits.
- I found a therapist who works with my brain!
- my best friend moved to my city, and it was only supposed to be for like 10 months but she met her boyfriend and is blossoming and getting opportunities in her field like crazy so she's staying longer which means we can hang out more!
- knees got worse, but I finally went to physical therapy (because I maxed out my insurance OOP with the name other medical things I had to do this year) and it helped a bunch!
- a ton of drama with my husband's family. His youngest sister randomly decided that I am abusive (not even during like any interaction or anything, she just randomly started having an attitude with me 2 weeks before their annual (white, well-off people) family vacation), and then was cold to me during the vacation, and went on a walk with my husband where she essentially tried to convince him that I AM abusive. (Husband also handled it poorly - he's the "everyone is right in some way" type and didn't tell her she was completely out of line, but that has also gotten better thanks to couple's therapy). Then over Thanksgiving she decided to create drama with the older sister over her own poor behavior when older sister was doing absolutely nothing mean or wrong. It's been really stressful, we didn't even do a zoom call for Christmas this year which they normally try to make happen no matter what.
- I lost my job at a startup (blessing in disguise) and got a new job. The company is great, but I hate the work. It's not what I applied to do, it's way more technical and I would like that if ANYONE had the time to train me. But they lost a ton of people going from fully remote to hybrid, so everyone I work with has less experience than I do actually. I'm also struggling to do it because of how lost and flustered I feel.
- I picked up journaling and that's been so great and helpful.
- I went to Portland! I adored it very much. Though towards the end something about it felt vaguely threatening/heavy/scary. But I definitely want to visit again.
- I reconnected with my childhood best friend! We definitely grew in different ways but the foundation is still very much clicking. I'm going to stay with her and her husband in Seattle and visit again in May. She's so, so wonderful and I missed her so so much I'm tearing up writing this. We've continued to message frequently since, and once Baldur's Gate's cross play feature is out (fingers crossed) we're going to play together.
- I learned that stimulants don't work for my brain. ADHD stims caused anhedonia, coffee just triggers migraines, and Modafinil semi kinda maybe works but not well. I've managed to quit coffee for a week or so now. It's definitely an addiction. But chai tea lattes are filling the void. And the void also means that I'm getting back into tea! A childhood Internet friend is the one who got me into tea, and it feels very heartwarming to remember them through it.
- I lost my first cat together with my husband. You will be missed dearly forever, little man.
- I found my favorite d/ru/g! Technically I think it's 2-fdck that's my favorite favorite if my testing was correct, but basically ke/tam/ine and its analogues in general. It's so amazing and it checks all my boxes. I haven't personally experienced any negatives from it, though if you ever try it please read up on appropriate doseage, periods between use, and all that. It's helped me a ton with figuring stuff out, feeling motivated, and rewiring my brain. I'm weird and drugs have never worked the same for me as other people now have I ever had it impact my life negatively so please don't take my experience as advice or normal.
- I tripped for real for the first time in forever over Christmas break! My meds make it really, really difficult. Most people can't trip at all no matter how much they take on these meds. But I just kept raising my dose and bam, finally! I also had my first ever LSD epiphany and I feel like I can really move forward with my life. Tripping has also always helped my brain reset - like turning a computer off and on instead of just locking it or hibernating. I always feel so refreshed.
- I generally just feel more compassion for myself and more capable of being the person I want to be. Sometimes it hurts because it feels like I was on such a good trajectory, and then a ton of negative things happened to me with no support system and everything in my life just stopped. And then I was getting better and then COVID really broke me - at least when the bad stuff was happening I had stimulation, but COVID liked my brain. I think I still have it in me to be happy in the ways I want.
I hope we live in unprecedented times where history is made! Precedented times and the continuation of the normal just means the rich get richer and people die at the hands of oppressors. I hope things change for the better, greatly and permanently.
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sorry to keep complaining on main but I need to vent about this
I’m just. So Upset. about this whole leak situation.
I’ve tried blocking tags. I’ve tried blocking people. I haven’t opened pinterest or youtube in two days. And it’s still not enough. I still have seen spoilers. Maybe not as many as I would have had I not taken those precautions, but still enough.
And I feel like I’m (and as I’m sure everyone else is) at such a crossroads because like. Now I have to make the decision of watching the leaked episode and not say a word about it or not watching it and risk getting even more spoiled? It’s only been two days how are any of us supposed to last two weeks? Am I just supposed to not go online for two entire weeks? What am I? A cavewoman? As much respect as I have for people who are capable of that I’m too weak-willed for that.
I saw a screenshot of a moment I know would have squealed at in delight had I seen it live, and instead it just made me way to throw up. One thing about me is I hate knowing other people are watching and enjoying something while I am missing out. You know, when Hollow Mind aired I had to work that day, so I set my alarm for 5:30 AM just so I could watch it and react to it before going to work and I was freaking happy to do so.
On the flip-side, when DOAFP season 2 aired I only got through an episode and a half before our internet completely shit the bed. I was so upset that I cried. It took 2 days to fix and when I finally got to see the episodes and got back online to talk about it, it felt like the hype on tumblr had completely died down already and I had missed it. That was 2 days, how is 2 weeks going to effect this fandom?
I was so excited to see this episode, and now my excitement has been completely ruined. I was literally talking to my therapist on Tuesday how I feel I have been so much better mentally recently than I was a year ago, largely in part due to having toh to focus on and the new episode to look forward to. And I know, I know. I knew from the beginning that staking so much of my mental health on one show was a bad idea but frick I couldn’t help it. I haven’t cried yet but man I’m getting close. I already laid face down on the floor a while. Is this a healthy reaction? No. But what else am I supposed to do. I’m trying so hard to remain optimistic, to tell myself that I don’t know the whole story and there will still be surprises, but the truth of the matter is I’m not excited for this episode now and that’s fucking sad.
We should be making theories right now. We should be writing fics and drawing art. We should be rewatching the previous episodes in preparation. And instead we’re fucking dodging leaks left and right.
I wanted so badly to finish my Gus x Matty reunion comic before ftf aired and that’s just been ruined for me. I was even hoping I might have time to do a Hunter x Willow comic too and it just feels pointless now. I am trying so hard to focus on drawing my comic and writing my Steve x Katya fic and I’m just struggling to focus on any of it because I’m too upset. And it sucks because I know if I’m not careful I could easily slip into a creative block again like I was exactly a year ago before toh altered my brain chemistry. I don’t want to go back to being depressed and uninspired like that again.
I don’t know what to do really. I know everyone in the fandom is going through the same thing, I just had to get my thoughts out, even though they are very self-centered. I just don’t know.
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got here early this morning, like i do every morning, and the doors - all 4 of the double doors - to our hallway were locked. i went back downstairs, through the downstairs hallway and up the back stairwell which (thankfully) was not. sat down in my chair and started eating my breakfast while sending a ranty text about it to the group chat (4 other teachers here who are also tired of this damn place, bc they’re all in my department and hate what they did to ELA at this school)
my neighbor gets here with kids for tutoring, peeks her head in my door, and says, “thank you for getting here first!” lmao i needed that.
and that, dear friends, is what i am going to miss about this place. these are good people that i am leaving behind. (mind you, most of them are also leaving.) but we’ll all be scattered. they took a good thing - a strong, cohesive department who all respect and support each other, who all share ideas and solutions, who stand up for each other - and ruined it.
every one of us started this year with the intention to be returning next year. we spent time outside of school celebrating birthdays and milestones, helped one of us through a breakup, another through a death. we all showed up for people - when that former student died from a car accident, we all went to the vigil. when our school psych’s husband died, we all went to the funeral. we’ve had late-night conversations about injustices at the school and early morning pep-talks just to fucking show up. (and sometimes “sorry ladies, i can not be there today”)
in the 7 years i’ve been here, this team is the strongest it’s ever been. and admin even complimented us on that! we are a unit! we would speak to admin as a group, not individually. we would do our evaluations in pairs, not separately, and team teach our classes. we worked together. we are a unit, and admin claimed to love that.
and then they ruined it, by giving us a shit plan that we all knew was shit and we all said was shit and they ignored us, started babysitting us and criticizing our every move, and took away all our autonomy.
and they think we want to stay?
i want nothing more than the five of us to stay next year. i love these people. i’m sure i’ll find My People at my new school eventually, but i have My People now. i don’t want to lose them! (and i’m sure we’ll still chat, but it’s not the same ofc.)
but how can we stay when admin will just do the most to us, and expect us to lie down and take it? to violate contract and expect us to be okay with it? to change our teaching assignments around and think we won’t be upset? to take away everything that makes language arts great to teach and think we’ll just go along happily like nothing is the matter? fuck dude, even my students know i’m unhappy as shit with this and a lot of them are oblivious as a box of shit lol. many have told me “this is bullshit” and “i haven’t learned anything since december” and i’m like i KNOOOOOOOOW i tooooooold them. but all i can do is apologize and say “it wasn’t my decision, i’m sorry, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.” like. no one feels worse about it than i do.
admin thinks this is all fine, we’re all perfectly happy and can’t wait to start next year with their boots on our necks. admin has already learned that 3 of us are leaving, and once i get an offer 3 makes 4. half of the reading department is dipping too. want to know how to nuke an entire english/reading department? dm me for my admin’s emails.
anyway. idk where i’m going with this, just a lot of emotion. anger, frustration, SADNESS. i wouldn’t be here right now without the support of these amazing teachers (and, well, my therapist lbr). it shouldn’t have been this way. they could have listened to us. they could have taken our concerns. they didn’t. they didn’t. and now they don’t have an ELA/reading department next year.
i hope they’re pleased with themselves, though. actions have consequences. you fucked around, and you’re about to find out.
ok i’m done. i should get some of this grading done or something lol idk.
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I posted 12,921 times in 2022
That's 7,439 more posts than 2021!
608 posts created (5%)
12,313 posts reblogged (95%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@wizardpotions
@clumpofglitter
@niceferatu
@lake-lady
@officialbogwitch
I tagged 975 of my posts in 2022
#community nbc - 41 posts
#save - 37 posts
#nonbinary - 33 posts
#mlp - 22 posts
#dont rb - 22 posts
#arfid - 21 posts
#lgbt - 20 posts
#art - 19 posts
#nephs art - 19 posts
#nephs ocs - 18 posts
Longest Tag: 139 characters
#this is so presumptuous about the reader like yeah i am working towards a better life and a better self. establish that this isnt universal
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
PSA on second hand shopping
more people need to shop at thrift stores, rummage sales, estate sales, consignment, flea markets, and the like. I don't care if you can afford new stuff, if you think it's dirty, if you don't feel like spending the time sifting through things you don't want. fast fashion and other quick moving industries are killing us.
so many thrift shops are begging people to buy more, and they have to stop taking donations for a while. a lot of rummage sale sellers will throw out what they don't sell by the end of the weekend, and they can negotiate and give you deals..
even if you don't want clothes, chances are you will find something you needed anyways, or find something you didn't know you needed. I promise you can find time in your hurried schedule to make a weekend out of rummage saling, and it's so much more fun then taking a minute to add a new shirt to your cart on amazon.
and while you're at it, set up a rummage sale of your own if you can, even in favor of listing it online. there's people in your community who will take a weekend to check it out, and those people are often in need of cheaper options for things like clothes, shoes, kitchenware, etc.
and please for the love of god if am item is still in working condition, use it as long as possible, or give it/sell it away if you must. do not throw away perfectly good items.
buying second hand saves the earth
134 notes - Posted May 2, 2022
#4
See the full post
135 notes - Posted April 4, 2022
#3
the greendale 7 deadly sins
I did these based on the characters' weak points if u know what I mean?
britta- pride
- she is confident in herself without reason. at the beginning of the show, she seems confident and smart. Later, we find out about her failed activism, her inability to back up her statements, and her shaky relationship with her parents. Not to mention the whole therapist situation.
troy- envy
- it's discussed in the show that troy and abed spend too much time together. they've mentioned how much his identity was tied to abed. he wanted to be like abed, spend a lot of time with him, live with him. he wanted abed to know he was out there somewhere and look for him! he had envy knowing that if he met abed, he would have been so much different in his high school years.
abed- gluttony
- not in the sense that most media portrays gluttony, but it's also depicted as lack of self restraint. Abed often has to learn when he's going too far such as hiring celebrity lookalikes. Frankie ends up teaching him to rely on things other than TV, like he did in the past.
jeff- sloth
- this one is self explanatory I think. Jeff does everything he can to do less work both as a student and as a teacher, even as a friend. he would only break into a light jog!
annie- lust
- as much as I hate to say it, annie did spend a lot of the time wanting a relationship with Jeff. though even even admitted it wasn't even jeff that she wanted, I was just the idea of love. but even at times when she isn't going after Jeff, she's thinking about romance in the future, like her missing lover tapes. she's very anxious about her future in this sense.
shirley- wrath
- shirley has an entire backstorys worth of anger issues. she started as stabbing kids with Foosball sticks, to trashing slaters office in the name of Jeff. now, she takes out her anger on more organized matters such as any of the schoolwide games, or various heists the group does. she definelty expresses her wrath healthier than she did in the past, but it's still very intense compared to her usual self
pierce- greed
- he wants everything. he wanted the handshake, he wanted Shirley's sandwiches, and most of all he wanted constant inclusion. But none of it was things he deserved, given how he treated his friends. And if he didn't get it, he forced his way into it (with money usually)
feel free to add on your opinions :)
159 notes - Posted March 31, 2022
#2
active member of the adhd symptom fandom
227 notes - Posted February 12, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
hc that every human character matt berry has played is just lazlo pretending to be human. the grifting professor in community? that's just lazlo having a grand old time!
974 notes - Posted September 5, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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I’m having emotions so here’s a thing
Really irritated that I’m conflicted about buying that under desk bike because I know for a fact that I haven’t been moving enough and having an at home job will make it a billion times worse. I already have issues with my knees popping out and severe leg pain. Moving them more would help a lot and going on walks is something I seriously hate unless there’s a purpose (like walking a dog but I do not have money or space for one)
I also hate that I have no idea if I’ll have enough money to pay for daycare if they charge for the first month right away. Tbh I doubt I will. My fiancé’s car battery died yesterday so we had no choice but to buy a new one. Well, I did, and gave him $300 because he was short on rent because he fucked up his ankle and had to miss some work.
I cannot cry anymore. I’ve built up this wall that feels impenetrable and no matter how hard I try I just can’t. I want too, I want to have those gross sobbing tears where my nose won’t stop running and my eyes get swollen (I’m allergic to my tears this has nothing to do with why I can’t cry) and just… the trauma of the years before I moved out here have completely ruined my ability to show the sadness or anger I feel. It’s all just stuck
I keep having ptsd dreams. The med they tried to put me on fucked with my heart so badly that my Apple Watch asked if I wanted to call emergency services. I didn’t know it could do that. So I’m back to square one with it. And idk what could help with it. I’ve tried cbd, but it doesn’t work, I took the strongest I could find and it didn’t work and gods is it expensive. I’m running out of med options that will help.
I’m going to have to miss 3 weeks of therapy, and because of my new schedule I’m going to have to go every two weeks instead of every week. My therapist is really worried about it because of the amount of trauma that’s been coming up
I’m finally in a safe space but I feel so detached because I’m terrified of ruining it
I spent money on things for myself and I feel horrendously guilty about it. I got stuff to do my nails and some clothes and a special coffee and realized I’m way more tight on money way too late
I’m pissed at my brain because I’m constantly on the edge of saying fuck everything and spending all I have because this world has made it so there’s no way to enjoy anything without going into debt
I’m also pissed off because my ex didn’t help with putting me in debt. I had to use my credit card to escape him and started with no money, in a new state, and it made all my debt so much worse
I am glad I did it tho. No matter how much I vent and complain I’m in a much better place. I’m safe now. Idk the last time I was truly safe. I just wish my brain didn’t feel like there’s so much danger lurking around every corner
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What happened to you?
TW: trauma, self-harm, abuse
The sound of rustling notebook paper. The off-white tinge and contrasting lines. The thinness of the sheet between my pinched pointer finger and thumb. The scratching of the pencil point. These are just some of the things I miss about writing.
I have defined myself as a writer for as long as I can remember. It is one of my go-to words when I am asked to describe myself. And no matter how long I goo without writing a word it will always be true. I am a writer. But I think my past trauma and relying on pen and paper to process has impacted my relationship with writing. I have spent so much time pushing down everything I went through… pretending everything was okay over and over again. Now bringing it back up feels impossible.
I have recently returned to therapy and have started seeing a psychiatrist again. I am so tired of anxiety and depression. I am so tired of hating myself. I am tired of the shame and guilt and hyper vigilance. I am tired of being broken. I am constantly haunted by the question: What is wrong with me?
I have been trying to answer that question for 19 years, more or less. I have spent more than half of my life trying to figure out why I am the way I am.
On the outside I look fine. Successful, even. My mom and dad were high school sweethearts. I have supportive family members and friends. I have a wonderful husband and we have built an adorable little family of dogs and cats and horses. I got good grades in high school and continued my academic excellence through college and graduate school. I passed my speech pathology licensing exams with flying colors. I got work right out of school and have established a good career.
Write me down on paper and I seem like perfection. So that is what I have always tried to emulate. If I looked perfect on the outside no one would know how broken I was on them inside. I thrust myself into activities and hobbies just so that I could excel at them for as long as I can remember. In middle school it was Girl Scouts and Horseback Riding. In High School it was music, theater, art, track, and writing. I consistently made honor roll. I made National Honors society. But you don’t need my resume. I did everything I could to be the best at everything I did.
I have worked so hard on being perfect that I shoved down the negative. I have shoved it so far down that I don’t remember a lot of it. The harsh reality is that even through I tried to bury the negative, my body remembers. My body remembers fear and pain. My body keeps holding on to what my brain is trying to forget.
Being perfect on the outside is not helping the pain on the inside anymore. So I went back to therapy and back to hunting for answers to the question: What is wrong with me? I thought the neuropsychological evaluation I took in graduate school would give me some answers. Their testing confirmed my anxiety and depression diagnosis. It confirmed I have fantastic language skills, but my working memory and executive function are “below average.” It talks about my distress and dissatisfaction with my life, lack of coping skills, avoiding new one challenging situations, and so much more. It says in clear black ink that I restrict my emotions and have difficulty with relationships.
“It appears Caitlyn finds many of her relationships to be confusing or complicated. Results indicate that Caitlyn has conflicting feelings about her family, finding them to be supportive and loving… yet also invalidating and unhelpful when she needs them.”
That girl is not perfect. But she is also me. That neuropsychological was from 2015. That was 8 years ago, and I am still looking for answers. I have been looking for answers longer than that.
I have talked to my therapist and psychologist yet about the possibility of ADHD. A lot of my symptoms seem to align: Attention and memory issues, executive dysfunction, motivation paralysis… This constant need to be doing something productive but unable to do anything so spiraling in my mind instead. My mental health team agrees that ADHD is a possibility, but I have not started on any ADHD medication at this time.
In therapy we started to approach my grief. I have experienced a lot of loss in some very traumatic ways. My first memory of loss is my Bubby. I was so young when she died and I felt the loss greatly. I remember watching her get sick and then fade away. My next memories involve my grandma having a stroke and moving in with us. The grandma that used to make us eggs-in-a-basket and always smiled was gone. She was a ghost of her former self. My uncle moved in to help with her care. We watched her fade away as well… and then she was gone and my Uncle moved away. I don’t know why he left, just that him and my dad had some sort of argument and that was the end of it.
For a while there weren’t any more loses. Then when I was in my 20s they all seemed to come at once. My cousin overdosed and passed away, leaving behind two children. Not too long after that my dad passed away. Losing my father has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced, but my mom was an absolute wreck. I had to put on my brave face for her. I was perfect, after all. My grandfather passed a few years after. My mom had just started to be herself again and then she lost her father. Her brother died by suicide not long after… she was the one who found his body. Just a few days ago my Uncle passed away. I am dealing with his loss now. Which is part of why I am writing now.
So yes, I have experienced my fair share of grief and loss. I thought I had been dealing with my grief, but after all these feelings with my uncle passing, I am not so sure.
My therapist asked if I felt like I have come to terms with my grief and I said I had. So she mentioned that there had to be a reason I felt so much hate for myself. She asked if anyone ever made me feel like I wasn’t enough. But I had parents that loved me. I was a good student. I was supposed to be perfect. But I still had anxiety and depression. I was still broken. She said she was glad to be on my journey with me and asked me what I was looking for from therapy.
Once again I had been so good at looking perfect on the outside that the brokenness inside was shoved so far down that I was able to hide it from myself and my therapist. But she could see there was work to be done.
So I started looking harder… thinking about why I went back to therapy and what I wanted from it. I started looking back at old notebooks and journals and videos. I found entries as far back as 2004 talking about my anxiety and depression.
Anxiety and depression did not seem like enough of an answer to what was wrong with me. ADHD didn’t seem to be the right diagnosis either. Nothing I did seemed to be helping.
I don’t entirely remember how, but some how I came across looking at Complex PTSD online, but that didn’t make sense either. I didn’t survive a natural disaster or torture. I wasn’t in a war. I wasn’t abused. Yeah, I had been through some hard stuff, but nothing compared to that.
But the symptoms… the symptoms were like looking at all my deepest shames in bold black ink.
- Difficulty with emotions
- Distrust in the world
- Constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
- Feeling damaged or worthless
- Feeling different from others
- Difficulty with relationships
- Dissociative symptoms
- Headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches
- Regular suicidal feelings
I have experience all of these things. I thought they were all just my anxiety and depression… maybe they are. I really don’t know. But I didn’t have flashbacks to anything that that was a major component of PTSD. Then I read about emotional flashbacks: intense emotions that seems to come from no where. I feel like I live in this state. Constant fight or flight. Constant anxiety. Constant spiraling. Constant emotional flashbacks. But emotional flashbacks to what?
So I kept doing research… in to myself and in to CPTSD. And I continues to see myself in each blog post, video, article, research paper, and book. I started to read the book “What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.” By Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey. They wanted me to shift my perspective from “What’s Wrong with You?” To “What Happened to You?” Sure, I was used to reframing my thinking. Years of therapy have taught me that it is often necessary.
So what happened to me? When I was only 12 years old I began to self-harm. Looking at pictures of myself at that age now as a 31 year old… I look so young. I look like a baby. I don’t remember why I started cutting myself. There was no event I can remember that caused it… I just got so tired of feeling sad and anxious that I wanted to feel anything else. So I decided to feel pain instead. But this didn’t feel traumatic enough to warrant complex PTSD. Considering it took me 7 pages of lead up to get here… I guess I am carrying some trauma.
My earliest writing mimicked my current thoughts over and over. Not good enough. Not worthy of love. Feeling alone and like no one could ever understand. I self-harmed all through middle school, high school, and college. I had stopped cutting myself by graduate school and have not self-harmed in that capacity since then. I thought that since I had stilled doing it, I was over it.
I lived in constant cycles of anxiety and found relief in cutting and then felt deep guilt and shame and fell in to deep depressions for most of my formative years. Growing up like this changes a persons brain. So far reading about CPTSD has made me really grateful I took neuroscience in grad school. There is a lot of talk about the brain.
What happened to me? I cut myself for many of my childhood years, teenage years, and my young adolescence. Why? I don’t know. I don’t remember. I have spent so long trying to forget. But my body didn’t forget. My body holds all that fear and anxiety and shame and deep seated guilt.
Here is what I do know. My oldest journals and notebooks do not say anything about why I started cutting myself and I may never remember. That has to be okay. There might note be a clear answer. The defining moment part of me longs for. The thing that I can point at say say “That! That is why I am the way that I am.”
I know that somewhere along the line my emotional needs were not met. Which is the definition of emotional neglect. But the very idea of that makes me fiercely defensive. My mom and dad loved me and I had a good childhood. I know my parents had many flaws. They both had anxiety and depression. My dad was an alcoholic. But I have so many memories of them full of love.
I still hid my self-harm from my parents. I don’t know why I felt I could not go to them, except for my need to be perfect on the outside. I don’t know what I feel the need to be perfect. I have no memories of being told I needed to be. I have always put that burden on myself.
I threw away a lot of the journals I kept from ages 12 to 17. Those were my worst years and I was absolutely ashamed of them. I was past that phase and didn’t need them anymore. Ii don’t remember exactly when I threw them away, but I remember that it happened. I wish that I didn’t now. I feel like they may have had some answers.
My diagnosis is probably not the take away here. My therapist says I give my mental illness too much power. It’s hard not to when it has been there since I was 12 years old. I have grown comfortable with new labels. Anxiety, depression, panic disorder, ADHD, CPTSD… whatever it is, I’m working on it.
But I still feel like my “trauma” wasn’t “traumatic” enough. I think that is my need to be perfect, though.
My therapist said she thought I should continue therapy. She said she was happy to continue with me on my journey. I am not sure what I want from this journey, but I figured this would be a good place to start.
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Squatter
9/1/22
I don’t feel like I’m at home anymore. When I moved out of my mom’s house, I didn’t feel at home in my new environment. Now that I’m back home, I don’t feel at home. It’s just a house. Reminds me of that Replacements lyric.
“Used to live at home,
Now I just stay in a house.”
What’s that song? Oh right.
“Here Comes A Regular.”
How fitting. Another one of those signs that whatever god is up there must have a sense of humor. I don’t like to, but I dwell on this feeling from time to time. I think it stems from, or is related to, how I don’t feel at home in my own body. I try to love myself. I try to accept myself for who I am. I don’t dislike the way I look. I mean, I hate my body hair. But that’s it. I just don’t feel right.
I feel like a squatter in my body sometimes.
I don’t feel like I’m right. Like something is missing. I don’t think I’m transgender. I don’t think I’m transexual. I dwell on that thought a lot. I feel mixed about it. I mean, I don’t care that I am a man. But that’s also never really mattered to me. But when I hear songs about not feeling at one with yourself, it makes me want to cry because they remind me of that feeling.
I think I first noticed it when I started getting sober. My first therapist told me I was going through the stages of grief because I had quit drinking and didn’t have anything to cope with my emotions. If that’s the case, this is the longest grieving period I've ever gone through.
Because some days I still feel it, and I feel it hard.
#Spotify#The Replacements#Here Comes A Regular#public diary#public journal#depression#dissociation#anxiety#dysphoria#Paul Westerberg#Tim#mental health awareness
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How do I cope with my boyfriend walking out of my life and treating me like I'm nothing?It's just so weird.We've been together a while and he stopped hitting me up so I asked him about it after he went missing for two weeks.All I got was excuses.Now he's acting like I don't exist.I don't understand at all.From planning our lives together, picking out wedding rings and being with his family every week and his family being so accepting of me because apparently I'm the only woman who's had her life together that he's been with.I feel like shit because it blindsided me completely.We were just at the park and he told me how much he loves me,we talked about what we need to correct in our relationship and all was well.Went back to the family ranch for dinner and we also had sex.The weirdness came days after.Smh I am honestly disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed.I was single for so long and he was going above and beyond everyday for a long ass time to make me change my mind about relationships.I told him I felt like he used me and he apologized.Wtf? Everything about what he did is 100% manipulative and now he just acts like my family and I don't exist.He was the first man I ever let come to my home and the first I've ever introduced to my family.Now he just sit on Facebook posting stupid shit about vaginas and other dumb shit.Smh I let myself down with this one.It's going to take a miracle for me to ever get with another man.I let my guard down and told him all of deepest secrets,even had sex with him.I was on the way to get married so I didn't see the big deal.Smh.I need to let God work on my heart because at the moment,I hate him.Love his family but hate him with a passion.
Bring it innnnn 😭😭😭😭😭
When you say youve been together for a while how long is that?
Please forgive yourself. Being disgusted and ashamed and embarrassed do not come from the Holy Spirit.
Do not judge yourself for these - but realize all emotions have information.
Theyre telling you that you need to find your way back to peace and happiness internally but "this" is in the way.
What I notice about those words is that they are judgmental and create an internal sense of isolation. Shame like some part of you is exposed that should be hidden. Embarrassment as if others may look at you with pity.
And youre worth so much more than this. If anything - these are emotions that man should be feeling.
One of the first things I believe that you need to accept as you cope is that you played a role in hurting someone you love - yourself. And although the situation is done and behind you, it lays out a new path in front of you.
One that affirms no matter what or who will ever happen to your body you are invaluable. You are indescribably irreplaceable. And just by you missing this obvious truth within these feelings listed, I encourage you to viciously attack any thought that comes to bring down your self worth.
Fully persuade yourself that you are an excellent and divine technology. And if anyone else cannot see this, regardless of time and closeness spent, it does not make you blind.
If you were struggling in your relationship w God, nows the time to lean in. Admit all of your thoughts/actions. Tell God what the appeal was. Seal the work by valuing every lesson this taught you and turning ur back on that man.
Im def standing with you. Gods restored a lot of my toxic and cyclical ways. And helped me to understand that all of my actions are tied to my belief.
Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for looking into ugly emotions and realizing that it doesnt make you ugly. Thank you for valuing yourself enough to speak up and advocate for yourself. Thank you for knowing that youre in a hard place and reaching out for help.
And I have to say that Im not a professional and licensed therapist. But these people are divinely gifted.
And if you feel the weight of this challenge becomes too much and you need that one on one with someone continue and get that kind of help.
One of the only reasons I can speak to yall like this today is because Ive engaged in that process. And it gave me everyday tools to help my beliefs more fully match my actions.
Praying for you 🙏🏾✨
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