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heylinfanclub · 6 hours
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heylinfanclub · 8 hours
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Equestrian therapist was trying to get me into the Window of Tolerance visual analogy.
Had to send her a text like. ‘So what’s the visual for SHUTTING THE WINDOW WHEN ITS ALREADY AS SHUT AS IT GETS? Cause if the visual is: if you try to shut a shut window, you’re going to break it. I can indeed see. That window being slammed shut over and over and over and cracks spiderwebbing through it deeper every time. Very easy.’
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heylinfanclub · 10 hours
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Embrace the silliness. Embrace the meaningfulness.
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heylinfanclub · 11 hours
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lets be awesome. together✌️😁
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heylinfanclub · 11 hours
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heylinfanclub · 11 hours
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I think the game mechanic of the thing inspiring me might’ve triggered me a lil. (Genuinely the concept of forgetting leaves me. Nauseous).
It’s such a good metaphor for how I feel and how scared I get about it.
Imagine you have to build a deck for a game that you don’t know what challenges you’ll have to face. The cards are ALSO YOUR MEMORIES. you need to have the RIGHT MEMORIES to WIN CHALLENGES. but since you don’t know what’s COMING and you can only have A LIMITED NUMBER OF CARDS, you can be quick to start NOT KNOWING WHAT YOURE WILLING TO GIVE UP.
but you’re also. Not allowed to stop the game. Not allowed to say ‘oh I’m comfortable with my deck now’. It keeps. Going. And demanding you forget things to replace other things.
SO WHEN I FEEL INSPIRED BY A NEW THING ITS LIKE WOW: I want to buy a card pack! It might help me with a challenge I want to face! But if I buy the pack, I’ll have to get rid of a bunch of memories cards I already HAVE. Many of which overtime become INCREASINGLY RARE, SENTIMENTAL AND IMPORTANT TO ME. I might have to forget my best friends birthday! My old hobbies! My address! I could forget something so important it could lead me into DANGER! It could lead to me losing a MILLION challenges just so I could do ONE thing! I hate!!! That this is so!!!
Perfectly metaphorical it hurts.
I can’t even get excited by new experiences because. I will lose my old ones. And that’s fucked up. When u get offered a really nice card and then u look at your deck like ‘it might not be optimized but I just can’t risk losing what I have right now’ (familiar, safe, functional enough to get me this far). But then I sit here sobbing cause I’m NOT GETTING ANYWHERE. THE CHALLENGE RATING IS TOO HIGH FOR WHAT I HAVE NOW. BUT IF I LEAVE I WILL LOSE SO MUCH THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.
I cannot handle Losses man. I cannotttt.
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heylinfanclub · 12 hours
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"i would kill for you" "i would die for you" okay but would you forgive me if i forgot something important for the 51204th time in a row even though i tried my best to remember
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heylinfanclub · 12 hours
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So sleepy tired of my own brains shit. Awoogh. Maybe I take tomorrow off.
**shakes roomie down for weed money**
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heylinfanclub · 12 hours
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Every time I see fictional enactments of people having mental breakdowns I’m like. ‘Is it not normal to do that like three times a week’. I’m going to have. Such major heart problems. My whole life. I just know it.
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The swinging between hysterical, sad and mad? The eyes wide rolling around in my damn skull? The struggle to breathe and not choke on your own spit? The sensation that you might just lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close? The existential hysteria questioning YOUR VERY EXISTENCE AND THE EXISTENCE OF CAUSALITY AND WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AND COULD THEY NOT BE AND COULD SOMEONE JUST TAKE ME AWAY TAKE ME AWAY.
It’s that last part especially. When you start getting. So. In your god damn feels. YOURE BEGGING THE UNIVERSE FOR REPRIEVE ON REPEAT AS YOU SWAY BACK N FORTH LIKE YOURE HAVING THE WORST TRIP IMAGINABLE TRYING TO CONTACT GOD. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. KILL ME. RUN OVER MY HEAD. NEVER WAKE ME. SEND ME TO HELL ILL PAY FOR MY SINS NOW PLEASE PLEEAASSE ANYTHING BUT A MOMENTS MORE OF TORMENT. that kinda. Shit.
Every day people look at me and tell me I’m fine. I’m smart I’m practical I’m insightful I’m hanging on I’m resourceful I seem GREAT. Hell. My problems aren’t even that bad from their perspective (and maybe they’re right!)
I want to kill them every time and maybe one day I’ll smack someone across the face. Maybe break my knuckles smashing their nose into their brain. I think. I deserve it.
ANYWAY. had another lapse of mental angst because I cannot prioritize without a helper and that means I’m drowning in an infinitely vast array priorities, and should I spare one even a second of my attention, my anxiety comes running at me with a machete to ritually slaughter me for thinking for a second THAT was my highest priority.
I just want. To live. But I cannot. Because my brain doesn’t know what’s important. Except for. Being In a Domestic Cow Like State of UNTHINKING. and it makes me wanna explode my surroundings with my mind.
I’m getting a headache from being stuck in executive dysfunction too long and I donttt liikkeee iittttt.
LIKE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAVIN A GOOD ONE. I was supposed to be feelin a GOOD EMOTION SPARKED. INSPIRATION. INSPIRATION FOR MY DESIRE TO WRITE A STORY. But instead. I was smacked with that reminder that. I don’t choose what’s important and what needs to be done and if I do it. I don’t get to choose. So why both having dreams? Why bother having wants? Wishes? Why bother? (It would matter more if I had a community that HELPS ME and maybe I have a community that PROTECTS me but that’s. Not the same. I feel so fuckin brainless. My thoughts bounce in every direction but go Nowhere. They loop back on themselves and fight each other like rabid animals. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with a brain like this. Forever. Happily. Not without reliable support. Which doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as reliable. Everything is temporary. So it’s always fINE THEN you have to FIND A WAY TO COPE. ALONE? FOREVER? It’s bullshit. I hate this shit. Ahhhhh.
I wanted to think Ooo Ahh inspiration for a story I want to write so bad.
But it just went ‘when. When will you write. How. Will you be afloat. Will it distract you. Distract you from friends from life from stability? You can’t even take care of yourself you don’t deserve to do anything until you can take care of yourself and function with others and *you have so many other higher priorities that will kill you if you do not attend to them first*’
Weeps
THERAPIST SAID I DIDNT HAVE OCD. NOT EVEN PURE O. AND MAYBE SHE RIGHT. I CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IF PUSHED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. WHICH IM NEVER. BECAUSE IM ALONE. AND THAT MEANS I END UP RUMINATING TIL I HAVE HEART AND STOMACH PAINS. AHHHHHHH.
Awoooo
Awoooo
I hate it
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heylinfanclub · 14 hours
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heylinfanclub · 16 hours
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i hate when the teacher’s like “write about a bad time in your life” like i ain’t tryna get a social worker up my ass, thanks tho fam
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heylinfanclub · 18 hours
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Sacred Geometries and Scientific Diagrams Merge in the Metaphysical World of Daniel Martin Diaz
#q.
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heylinfanclub · 1 day
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gertrude
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[ID: a picture of an old, grumpy-looking brown tabby cat gazing dead-eyed into the camera.]
#q.
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heylinfanclub · 1 day
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[ID: a very simply drawn three panel comic. the first panel shows a person approaching a cat that's laying on the floor and reaching down to hug her, saying "gertie." the second panel shows two coins falling from the person's shirt pocket. the third panel shows the coins bouncing off the cat, who doesn't care.]
#q.
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heylinfanclub · 2 days
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heylinfanclub · 2 days
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it just so hard scaremongering to the modern peasant class 💀
#q.
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heylinfanclub · 2 days
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