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aronarchy · 1 year

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[image ID: thread by butchanarchy

Maybe folks prioritize an abuser’s need to be “healed” from the abuse they inflicted because it is far more comfortable to think of an abuser as “broken” than it is to see them as someone who takes many of our society’s values about relationships and control to their logical conclusion.

I think many people’s real concern isn’t even how survivors handle abuse so much as the fact that we call actions they see as ultimately acceptable/justifiable abuse in the first place. Because even if they’re not outright abusers. many folks see control as integral to relationships.

Easier to see an abuser as the ultimate victim of circumstance that can be “fixed” from their “deviancy” rather than reckon with the fact that they don’t actually deviate that much from our dominant cultural norms and what that says about those who buy into those norms, too.

Many people believe that there is a level of control over a partner’s/child’s/friend’s/etc. autonomy that you have a right to once you have a close connection to them. People don’t want to have that belief challenged, as it is a significant player in many of their relationships.

So it’s easier to think of an abuser as a poor, broken deviant in need of fixing because they take those values “too far” rather than have to question why any of us have a right to claim ownership and control over the people in our lives.

My abuser very much knew exactly what she was doing, and told me so explicitly at more than one point. She saw her attempts to gain and maintain control as utterly justifiable. She had no illusions about her actions, she just didn’t want them labeled as abuse.

And neither did the community we both shared, and not even in denial of the specific actions I outlined when I outed her. Rather, they all saw actions of control, manipulation, sexual exploitation, as just natural and acceptable parts of relationships in general.

Deeply appreciative of this point @/ClarissaAdjoint made here a couple weeks ago. Abuse IS a learned behavior, but not learned from being abused as much as learned from being taught who is an acceptable target of control and the tactics of domination. https://twitter.com/ClarissaAdjoint/status/1559677090516967424

reply by greatplainspunk:

This is so true and why Batterer Intervention Programs are court ordered and you don’t see people voluntarily lining up at the door. Most abusers know what they’re doing and don’t want to voluntarily give up control because they know it serves them to meet their needs.

reply by salome_af:

It really fucked me up when I recently discovered my father was never a direct victim of violence, rather he witnessed his step sibs beaten. And decided that was the type of parent he wanted to be. The violence was about keeping him feeling powerful.

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[image ID: the nested thread by ClarissaAdjoint from the above thread

screenshot of a tweet by AbolitionBuns: “1. The core idea of TJ is to break the cycle of harm. It is understood that people only engage in abuse towards others because of prior experience of being abused. Abuse is a learned behavior. No one is born to abuse others.”

Okay look I’m screenshotting because I don’t feel like directly arguing since I don’t think it’s going to do any good

but here’s the deal: yes, no one is born to abuse yes, abuse is learned behavior

but that doesn’t imply “hurt-people hurt people” like op thinks

what I mean is that they’re operating under a false dilemma: there's more ways to learn to abuse than having it done to you

I argue that the primary way is by learning how/when you can hurt others to get what you want without consequence

learning to commit violence against your intimate partners, your children, your coworkers, your employees, to women you don’t even know, &c.

is about learning what kind of violence your society tolerates and more importantly who it tolerates that violence against

cops don’t learn to beat their wives because they were abused anymore than a karen learns to threaten black strangers because she was abused

it’s about navigating social rules of acceptable targets to get what you want

it is not just a choice it is ten thousand choices

the only real cycle of abuse is not the abused growing up to be abusers—a mere determinism by another name—but the abused growing up to think they deserve abuse, to habituate to it

again and again and again

til they’re more scar tissue than soft flesh

so, no, no one is born to abuse

and that is why they can be held accountable for their choices

/end image ID]

#repost of someone else’s content #twitter repost #butchanarchy #abuse #pathologization #ableism #saneism #antipsych #abolition #‘cycle of abuse’

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bananonbinary · 5 months

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also worth noting that "abusive" doesn't actually mean "irredeemable" either.

there's a lot of people that have done things in the past that were bad, because they weren't taught any better, or they were in an overall toxic situation where EVERYONE was shitty (like a cult), or they were just at an especially low point and hurt others for it.

you don't have to forgive them. you don't have to ever speak to them again. you can be angry with them until you die if you want.

but society cannot function if we don't allow them to move on. to change their behavior and fuck off somewhere else and build meaningful relationships without bothering you again. we need a path for people to change, or nothing ever will.

#like re: the last post #npd SHOULDNT mean 'youre an abusive person'#but also people who have abused people in the past can still become better people in the present #you know?#and as i metioned vaguely in that post. the way we currently treat people with NPD probably CAUSES THEM to lash out at and abuse others #if u abuse someone they lash back out at you and suddenly theres fun mutual abuse happening #so they need a way out of that cycle

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 7 months

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going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point #not a shitpost #cptsd #and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer #the truth is i know why i wasn't loved #i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings #i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing #i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance #the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it #i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer #and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!!#because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that!#it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs!#so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't.#when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to #you can look for answers and reasons and explanations #but that's not actually going to FIX your situation.#and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job)#because you don't need answers--you need a new situation #*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme*#and yes. walking out isn't always possible.#but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap.#stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air #new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust #like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be #when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole

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craycraybluejay · 7 months

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I also heavily resent the ever-present implication in mainstream media that at all touches on trauma that we cannot have any sympathy for Bad Victims. That it's evil to write a sympathetic Bad Victim. Hell, that it's bad to portray one at all at times. Writing a victim of trauma who's an addict or self-destructive is already an edge case-- writing trauma survivors who end up actually hurting someone else, being chronically "treatment"-resistant or having inconvenient ptsd, perpetuate the cycle, or are just kind of a total dick is considered an evil move. Instead of like. An actually complex and interesting artistic choice.

Idk. It pisses me off a lot how often Bad Victims[TM] are brushed under the rug and if you dare to speak of them/make art of them, let alone SYMPATHIZE with them you're an irredeemable monster. And that's just fictional characters. Don't even get me started on the way people treat actual people who have ptsd in a way that's at all inconvenient and problematic in their opinion.

#bad victims #trauma #purity culture #cultural christianity #cycle of abuse #the invisible victims #trauma survivor #ptsd #purity wank #freedom of expression #dark topics #media criticism #trauma in media #please can i get one traumatized blorbo that isnt purity poisoned #like you're not writing a moral guidebook for small children. you're allowed to write anything at all forever

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eznii · 1 month

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something something white sheep luo binghe

#svsss #scum villain's self saving system #scumbag villain #luo binghe #or uhhh ig #luo bingge #scum villain #mxtx #fanart #digital art #my art #svsss fanart #chirin no suzu #ringing bell #this has prolly been done before but look at him...chirin lookin ass #something something cycles of abuse idk #anyway svsss enjoyers do not follow me cause i literally never talk/draw about it lol

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mortysmith · 8 months

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try not to think too hard about the fact that your grandpa (the worst person you know) was literally exactly like you when he was 14 (pr/ship dni)

#rick and morty #rick sanchez #morty smith #im imagining a scenario in which morty meets young rick and hes like Ohhhhh i get it so its all over.#like idk. he already probably has some complex over not ending up like rick #but then seeing how similar they used to be hed probably start feeling like its inevitable #like obviously it isnt. but idk. could fuel some interesting character drama guys im just spitballin here!!!!#something about the cycle of abuse and seeing yourself in your abuser

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punkeropercyjackson · 1 month

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"We need to normalize kindness!"You guys can't even handle that making fun of eachother isn't a sign of love for everyone because some people can't handle it so it hurts their feelings and instead call them losers for it and prove their point that you're genuinely cruel

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sunlit-mess · 2 months

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I don't hold grudges, that anger feeds into self-loathing instead.

#messyr #vent art #vent post #just confusing things I wanted to get out #as much as i want to 'hate' them- i cant #no matter how bad they get- i always forgive them and it hurts. But why does it feel wrong to feel hurt- that i'm not supposed to feel hurt #my mind has been altered so much idfk what to think and feel abt sometimes LMAO #one of those birds in a gilded cage AHAHA #learned helplessness #bpd #sometimes i wonder if i get out of this cycle of abuse

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strawlessandbraless · 3 months

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Live

Laugh

Lobotomy

#let him love #end the cycle of abuse #live laugh lobotomy #supernatural #spn #dean winchester #destiel #castiel #deancas #misha collins #jensen ackles #spn crack #live laugh love

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anotherdarkiboi · 8 months

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Is anyone going to talk about how Cazador was also both victim and abuser? How as Vellioth's spawn, he tried to reach out to a former friend (likely for help) and then Vellioth made Cazador watch as he drained his friend dry as punishment (and how Cazador locked Astarion up in a tomb for a year after being unwilling to kill a "darling boy" and trying to run)? How Cazador tried to rebel against his master and failed, being impaled for 11 years after (and how in Cazador's journals, he records all the actions of his spawn “with particular attention paid to Astarion”, and it's only in recent entries when Astarion disobeys him and goes missing that he “betrays any emotion” and is furious, writing about how he tortured Astarion's "siblings" for not finding him and wanting to torture Astarion himself)? How Cazador kills Vellioth during the Rite of Perfect Slaughter (just as Astarion kills Cazador during his Ascension ritual)?

How Astarion says that Cazador took particular pleasure in torturing him because his “screams sounded the sweetest”, but it's more likely that Cazador saw himself in Astarion from when he was Vellioth's spawn? How Cazador says "You are mine. Forever." in Astarion's nightmare, and how Ascended Astarion says "That's what you want, isn't it? To be mine, forever?" to Tav?

The parallels. The cycle. Augh.

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ladylightning · 11 months

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the way the absence of john winchester haunt sam and dean in ways that are more real than any ghost they have ever faced. the way john echoes so loudly in the narrative even in episodes he’s not mentioned, in seasons where he never appears. the way john possesses dean when he’s angry and sam when he’s grieving. the way john is the one true god of the narrative, the absent father who does not answer prayers or phone calls. the righteous man who does not break in hell but breaks down and hands his child a gun. john and the memory of his holy mary. john the prophet and his sacred text. john and his prodigal son that he knows has to die.

#john winchester #john as a character and narrative tool is so fascinating to me #the way the show utilizes both his presence and absence #the intergenerational trauma and cycle of abuse stuff is what elevates the show #even when the writers are fumbling the motw stuff or the season arcs #the impact of john is still so apparent and raw and visible #a lot of that is on the actors vs the writers tho #john winchester hate club #supernatural #sam winchester #dean winchester #SPN

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yardsards · 4 months

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there's such an interesting extra layer to amity and her relationships (especially w luz) that gets revealed when you learn that not only is she an abuse victim herself, but she is also the child of an abusive marriage

like not only was she personally abused/neglected and taught that she doesn't deserve to have her boundaries respected and won't get positive attention unless maybe she "earns it" by being useful and overachieving, but also her main example of a romantic partnership involved one partner exploiting the other and treating him as an expendable tool

in all of her relationships (platonic, romantic, familial), amity learns to give and receive kindness, learns to respect and set boundaries, learns that the value of herself and others aren't dictated by achievements or usefulness. she's breaking the toxic patterns that her parents taught her via their treatment of her.

but with her romantic relationship with luz, not only is she learning all of the above, but she's also breaking the toxic patterns of a romantic relationship that she would have learned from watching her parents.

when she shows kindness to luz, loves luz wholeheartedly even when she makes mistakes or causes problems, respects luz's privacy and boundaries, she is treating her girlfriend in a way that opposes the way her mother treated her own husband.

when she learns that she doesn't need to be useful or else risk abandonment/punishment, she's learning that she shouldn't accept or expect to be treated by her girlfriend the same way that her father was treated by his own wife.

i just. i love stories about characters breaking cycles. and i love luz and amity's relationship so much. it's very much not the kind of relationship i'm invested in the same way i am invested in with ships between adults. but rather like, it's a relationship between these two young people who are learning to healthily navigate this kind of relationship for the first time in their lives and it's really sweet.

#eliot posts #toh #the owl house #amity blight #abuse mention #toh meta #ive probably talked abt this a bit before but. god. i love it so much.#i LOVE stories about characters breaking cycles they drive me buckwild #lumity #if there's any good character study fics abt amity being the child of abuse and breaking that cycle... send em my way

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ffb6c1lover · 1 year

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kendall wanting to isolate sophie from the world to protect her but still not offering her any emotional support whatsoever

#something something cycle of abuse #kendall roy #sophie roy #logan roy #succession

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mxfrodo · 1 month

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y'all for fucking real. don't fucking write slave fics or x reader fics of aventurine's slavery??? are you guys out of your goddamn minds???

#i swear half of you don't fucking think.#what makes you think it's okay or “angsty” to write fics about suffering like that #especially without nuance?? or any understanding of the ramifications #its one thing to write about it being integrated into his past #but it's another thing to write it as an *in the moment* thing #especially if you're writing it to portray him being bought again -- who gives a shit if the reader “saves” him or “treats him nicely”#that's still a perpetuation of the cycle of abuses #like it's still already brain dead of hoyoverse to write about the suffering of POC by using a fair skinned blonde man #but come on #i thought we were better than this??#like yeahh #dont get me wrong - i love aventurine and his development. the writing is amazing despite how bad form using very white features #to portray a real race of color and it's suffering (the romani)#but you guys. come the fuck on #hsr aventurine #aventurine honkai star rail #aventurine x reader #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr x reader #i know it's “NOT THAT SEROUS” because it's a fictional game but im still putting tags for racism and slavery bro. wtf y'all #tw racism #tw slavery #random talk

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l-just-want-to-see · 5 months

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Let’s talk again about how Hermes tells Percy in TLO that immortals can’t change and then Rick hits us with Bob and Damasen. And then after we’ve cried over “say hello to the sun and stars for me” he hits us with an entire series about people breaking out of the narrative where the protagonist is the god of prophecy.

#:(#from Frank and Hazel breaking out of their own curses #Harpocrates and the Sybil falling in love and making their own choices #Lu giving up her immortality #The only person who falls to the narrative is Jason and Apollo promises to remember him. Jason is the exception that’s why it matters. 😭#Jo and Emmie leaving the Huntresses for each other #lityerses #the pandai #I could go on and on but it’s just so.#pjo hoo toa #trials of apollo #jason grace #bob the titan #hazel levesque #frank zhang #ALSO THE NARRATIVE IS HEAVILY IMPLIED TO EQUATE THE CYCLE OF ABUSE #it’s about breaking out of cycles like head in hands #lester papadopoulos #lester (apollo)

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nashvillethotchicken · 2 months

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The fact I haven't seen that many people talk about how lestat did the exact same thing his father did to him to Claudia by forcibly removing her from the train in ep 6 is a real disservice to both Claudia and Lestat

#interview with the vampire #iwtv #familial violence is cyclical and you get these really interesting parallels in ep 1 and ep 5/6 between lestat and his own parents with how #he and louis treat claudia in ep 5 and 6 #cruel and arrogant father drags his child back to their stifling household as a way to 'appease' their mother hm where did we see this b4?#theyre all trapped not only in this house but in this generational cycle of abuse and cruelty #and while lestat tries to break out he fails bc hes not willing to kill his dad and thats where he and claudia differ #both in the metaphoric and literal sense #claudia does not have that problem. lestat has a dog in him but claudia has a wolf in her #iwtv claudia #lestat #lestat de lioncourt #claudia du pointe du lac #claudia de lioncourt

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