angst--unhinged - Tumblr blog

angst--unhinged · 7 days

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HAUNTED HEARTS

I dreamt that I died in my sleep last night, And I swore that you walked away from me. In the dim flicker of the moon's own light, Your shadow cried holding on to my heart's key. I questioned if it really did hurt as it seemed to be, Since I stood in a darkness that blinded me. But I knew for a fact that I was not in your mind, The same way you used to be in mine. Even so, when I was lying in my shroud, Inside the ice-cold box, I felt it all start again. The hot breaths, soft pecks and fluttering eyes, The dream song, slow dance with our secret smiles. My hand clutched in yours to calm us down, While we both worked on to break those walls. The whispers, train rides and billets-doux, The smart jokes, golden hours with our starry skies. I could feel the warmth in your tight embrace, Then I woke up to the reminder- it was all but a race. Against time and space and the clouding phase, The false hope of endings that only left us in a daze.

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angst--unhinged · 1 month

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FRENZIED FURY

This unsorted rage that I feel within is taking a toll on me, I try my best to move on but something refuses to set me free, Nothing was left unanswered except the part of "What were we?" Yet you the audacity to ask if I had someone to rant at three.

I loathe the way I seek out love, as if I'm not clinging on to ungiven hopes, And wonder if I will ever see the sunset, without glimpsing you in its scope, Screamed my love for my friends to distract me, they lead me with a rope, My heart shrinks in this silence and I write these mundane poems to cope.

Do you ever think about those times when we talked for hours endlessly? Or is it only me, trying to bring them all back oh-so desperately? I hear your laughter ringing in my ears, Gods- this is such a felony, To what do I bow to keep you away from my mind which screams helplessly?

So now don't pretend to dismiss it and ask if all this is about you, You know exactly who everything always comes back to, It wasn't your fault, partly maybe, because I was ready to take the blow, The expectations of my own prevented me from seeing things through.

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angst--unhinged · 3 months

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Sometimes I wish my life was directed by Aof noppharnach..so that I can still believe in humanity, the safety of a community, a found family where I don't lose myself for who I am and whatever that is limiting me. He will take me as a whole and fill the voids that are hidden from outside. He will give me some kind hearted people who will encourage me to be better, to do better, to believe in the world. He might make it angsty, but never dark. He will make sure I know that I'm in the middle of a tunnel and is walking towards the light along with others. He will make sure I know that even if I stumble, or fall I have hands that support me. People that I can fall back into, pour my heart out and move forward. A group of people who make mistakes, address it, apologise for it and correct themselves. They will show me that I'm not alone, they are my co-passengers. We are in it together.

He may make me walk through the cold to reach uphill but I won't complain because my heart will be warm to see the anticipated light he promised me. Knowing he won't break the promise. Even if he does, I will be fine.

I want that optimism. That care. The love. The strength.

A space where I'm not judged for my mistakes and limited because of my past. A space that I can call mine. A Home.

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angst--unhinged · 3 months

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Blame The Stars (Sun's version)

I will be honest, I really did try my best for a while, To stay oblivious when you pulled away from me, Your eyes avoided mine under the moonlight, As though withholding secrets you were afraid to reveal. Coincidentally, the moon happened to be pretty that night, And coincidentally, You and I were left alone again, Both the starlight and the wind seemed to be teasing us, As though compelling me to address it. There was no way to run when I finally did, And there was nowhere for the truth to hide anymore, "I love you, I have loved you for a long time now", you said, As though you were afraid of me finding out. You thought I would be annoyed, it wasn't your fault, And blamed the stars for the beautiful night, Yelled at the moon that ordered you to confess, As if everything that night urged you to tell me. "I love you, I have loved you for a long time too."

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angst--unhinged · 4 months

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Aof Noppharnach, carelessness & living with yourself after the worst has happened

I'm doing a late-to-the-party catchup on Aof Noppharnach's work after falling in love with Moonlight Chicken, and this isn't a unique observation or anything, but I'm really in love with his preoccupation with how people pick up the pieces and move forward after the worst thing happens.

The conversation between Day and his dad about Night's guilt over putting Day in the position to get into his accident is in the same territory of what Tian is going through in A Tale of 1000 Stars. Neither Tian nor Night were directly responsible for what happened -- Aof doesn't seem to go in for cut-and-dried villians -- but they both feel culpable. And, most interestingly, both were simply careless. Neither meant for harm to come to anyone. If they'd been a little luckier, none would have. But they weren't and now they have to grapple with how to come back from that moment. For Jim, it's a little different. Jim wasn't careless, but he let Beam get on that ferry in the midst of a fight. Later, he regrets that choice, because if he'd insisted Beam stay and fight it out, Beam wouldn't have died -- another unfixable choice that, with better luck and more time, might have been fixed. (And another choice that lives in a gray area, because it wasn't fully Jim's choice. But in Beam's absence, who else can he blame?) Even Bad Buddy is about this in some ways - what Ming did to Pran's mom is the original wound that echoes down the generations. In that case, Ming doesn't make any attempt at amends, Dissaya can't let go, and the two families get stuck in a permanent feud. It takes a new generation to untwist that particular snarl.

And then there's the other theme that's pretty prominant in what I've seen of Aof's work so far, which is "I thought I had more time." Last Twilight's been deep into that theme, between Rung's suicide and Day's progressive loss of vision. It shows up in ATOTS with Tian granted new life after he stopped planning for the future, and it shows up in Moonlight Chicken's multiple stories of loss. In many ways, they're the same theme in different flavors. How do you move forward when something's unfixable? When the worst has happened and you can't erase it? When time is up? Ming and Dissaya dig in. Tian tries to live someone else's life. Jim walls himself off, becoming the person everyone leans on, but never becoming vulnerable to someone else. Day locks himself in his room. Night tries to be the big brother he should have been.

But life and Aof Nopparnach have a way of challenging those coping mechanisms. Tian has to make his own choices and find his own way forward. Jim has to open himself up to the possibility of happiness again because he can't actually be there for everyone without intimacy (see how Wen helps him understand Li Ming). Day has to come to terms with his new reality. As for Night, we'll see. Day is interpreting his efforts in the worst possible light, but that conversation with their Dad may have put a crack in the armor. Would getting Day's forgiveness help Night forgive himself? Can he forgive himself if Day never does?

It's never clear-cut and the struggle is always in both repairing connections to the community and reparing your own self-perception. In Aof's works, you've got to do the work to change, yes, but self-sacrifice isn't ever enough, nor is it effective: You've got to see yourself as forgivable, too.

#last twilight #aof noppharnach #a tale of 1000 stars #moonlight chicken the series #bad buddy

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angst--unhinged · 4 months

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Forever And More

Your breath lingers at the crook of my neck, As I ponder over how it causes a wreck.

You are mine.

The snowflake amidst the scorching heat, Melts as I do when you follow me.

I am yours.

You observe me with those menacing eyes, Every second, every minute as I slit me free.

We will be together.

Time halts, the world stops, and you rise up, Once more, offering your all to this wretched me.

For all of eternity.

How do I touch you, when you set me ablaze? How do I love you, when you cause me pain?

They can't take me away from you.

Maybe, Maybe its the tragedy that pulls me in, closer, to your deadly smile. And maybe, Maybe its all I need, for Death to be my company.

I am home.

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angst--unhinged · 5 months

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A STORMY EVENING

The window casts a shadow on my pen, As my hand moves on to fill this page. The rain chatters away when it hits the pane, As the wind howls in a gigantic way. I count on my scarfs for a warm embrace, And these woolen socks on this rainy day. I worry about those who are at stake, And those doggos outside all the same. The lights get dim and the waters raise high, As minutes pass by in a quickened pace. The kids laugh on, and their parents pray, As fear takes over their shivering frames. I sit in this room in a bluish haze, And watch the window crying away. I thank my pen for keeping me sane, And sink back in silence as my vision fades.

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angst--unhinged · 7 months

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MODERN QUANDARIES

Chilling in my zone, with music on my phone, I look around, then I close my eyes, Breathe in deep, to feel me drown, In the thoughts of the world outside. Rain clouds loom in the summer skies, Flowers start to grow in the polar ice, Cut ourselves with a rusted knife, Then photograph when the waters rise. Girls too scared to step outside, While troops of law patrol all night, "First world need no women's rights", In the third world, "Yay, my man doesn't bite!" Frowning at a man when he starts to cry, Cheering a machine as it starts to smile, Hyping a guy who rhymes with Hate, Pushing away the one who swears to stay. Ignoring a war while its not a trend, What are rules for, if not to bend? Impose laws for saving the unborn, Turning blind when a pedo strikes. There is economic crisis and global warming, But we are too good at this game of escaping, With cancel culture and fantasy novels, Quirky obsessions and 2D shows. I lose my mind when I think of the world, Breathe out slow to feel me rise, Open my eyes while I look around, And the music stops as I step outside.

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angst--unhinged · 9 months

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WHISPERED HOPE

Last night you told me you were fine But, lately you've been acting distant, I told you that, 'You'd be mine', And your smile was gone that instant. You said that you don't trust love, It's all pain, not much gain, We took ten months to remove that Thought from your else wise brain. One day you saw the disaster, When a heartbreak set to work, That love just needed a plaster, While the shadows started to lurk. You'll realise this one later, It only hurts when unrequited, Being content for the other, Love hurts less when reciprocated. No need to word it out If, things start to get hard, I know you are full of doubt When it comes down to your guard. Will be here right by your side Till, you feel like it's worth it, Your problems, they dont have to hide, Just please don't think to quit.

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angst--unhinged · 10 months

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BROKEN TRUST

I broke your trust, I checked your phone.

I wish I had found nothing.

Pictures proved you broke us first.

Who'd thought you'd be so cunning?

I broke your trust, our bed feels cold.

I wish I had not done it.

I wish for blissful ignorance,

I wish I had not seen a thing.

I broke your trust, what happens next?

I know I won't confront you.

I feel at fault for your mistakes,

Like its my fault you strayed away.

You broke my trust, you could have left

Only one, basic rule, we stressed.

If we thought that we would cheat,

We'd respect each other enough to leave.

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angst--unhinged · 11 months

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VAMPIRE'S LOVER

Ice-cold shivering, Quickening heartbeats. Soundless, Wordless, Screams, Running, Running, Running Shadows slink across the walls, Jagged claws on bare thighs, Sharp teeth on exposed neck, Beads of blood trickling fast. Soundless, Wordless, Screams, Running, Running, Running Darling, oh, Love of mine, Let me take you in my arms, Let me rock you gently to sleep, Let me kiss your wounds free. Soundless, Wordless, Screams, Soothing, Soothing, Soothing As you die here in my grasp, Eyelashes brushing your tear-stained cheeks, Bony elbows, ribs and knees, You bear red stripes, my brave tiger. Soundful, Wordful, Screams, Staying, Staying, Staying, Gone

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angst--unhinged · 1 year

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FADE AWAY

I fade away,

Like paint on a car,

I fade away,

Like day turning to night;

I fade away,

Like a person's mind in the end,

I fade away,

Before you can say goodbye.

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angst--unhinged · 1 year

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LOST MOMENTS

When did we change,

From throwing paper planes,

And driving wooden trains,

To this?

And when did we grow,

From angels in the snow,

Lots of things we didn't know,

To this?

Can you put your finger on the day,

When we never again did play,

Our childhood wasted away,

To this?

And when we did get taller,

Our dreams got smaller,

So now the only thing that's left in life,

Is this.

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angst--unhinged · 1 year

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The Final Show

Perhaps you did it for the thrill

My voice came out in a shrill

I watched as you took the pill

Drained out of your last will.

Looking lost and standing still

Those were your daily drill

Smiling from your window sill

Your hands went in for a kill.

The heart that I tried to fill

Now bleeding red in crimson spill

Followed by a deadly chill

As things went quite downhill.

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angst--unhinged · 1 year

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25 posts!

#25 posts #tumblr milestone

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angst--unhinged · 1 year

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FUTILE SOUL

A girl lies on their bedroom floor.

She bleeds through her eyes

And cries through her veins.

I watch her helplessly

And let them fall apart.

Everyday she fights long lost battles

And dies gruesome deaths.

Their life is nothing but

A grave full of dead hopes.

I watch her and do nothing.

Perhaps because there isn't much

Left of her to be saved.

They are covered in bruises

I don't recognize her anymore.

I watch them with curiosity.

Their eyes dark and cold like the night itself,

She reeks of misery.

A home full of ghosts,

None of them remotedly as dead as their soul.

I watch her mercilessly.

After all that's what monsters like them deserve.

I say, and I stop watching her.

No part of her deserves to be loved.

I say, and I step away from the mirror.

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angst--unhinged · 1 year

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CLOSURE

The last time I saw you, you made sure to hide

'Cause what I did last year, flashed through your mind

I was a mistake, you couldn't brush aside

You thought we would make it, your love made you blind.

⋆

𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘢𝘺,

𝘙𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘵, 𝘐 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺.

⋆

Made you think for months, that we could get back to us

I truly apologize for it wasn't my intention

We didn't say goodbye, I will never make a fuss

Glad you're better now, this is just my confession.

⋆

The first time I met you, you were surprised

'Cause I made you happy, and you felt I was kind

I wasn't in my senses, so I felt complied

Made you call me 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 and I left you behind.

⋆

𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘢𝘺,

𝘙𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘵, 𝘐 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺.

⋆

You were so nice, sweetest of all I've met

Brought me back to life, sorry for the hindrance

I know I used you, the memories, I won't forget

Glad you're happier, this is for my clearance.

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