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clicheyettouche · 1 year

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THE SUICIDE NOTE I NEVER FINISHED WRITING.

What I actually wrote today is very sensitive. It's not for everyone. It's about my suicide attempts and my thoughts about it. So, if you're uncomfortable with this kind of topic then please don't bother reading it. I just want to voice out what I've been through.

So yup! If you're wondering about the title, it is 100% truth. There's no reason for me to joke about this. And the idea of opening up about this is actually just because of the sudden deaths. Like, ang dami nag su-suicide talaga. The funny thing is, sobrang timing.

So, I was checking out my old drafts on my old wattpad account the other day when I stumbled upon the suicide note I had written years ago when I was still in college, entitled "moonlight and butterfly". I debated for 10 minutes about opening it and reading it. Kasi it might trigger me or something. Eventually, I gave in. Well, akin naman 'yun so I don't think I can stop myself from opening it. My heart sank when I read every word so, again...tears fell down my face as I read the words I had written.

If you ask me now, I do remember everything and why I felt so desperate and tormented. I know I was dealing with severe anxiety, and that I had lost most of my friends because I never left the house, and I clearly remember how stupid, sad and alone I was. The letter didn't even explain my reasoning for wanting to end my life. All I know is there's a lot of days that I really did contemplate committing suicide on a daily basis, and I'm not sure what will put me over the edge and when. What I wrote was mostly apologetic, and called out some of my family and friends specifically to tell them how much I loved them. But it was still heartbreaking. The words were so sad.

I'll share you the half of my letter...

I have my free trial of life and I want to cancel it before I have to start paying for it. I don't like it very much and it's too expensive. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not.

If you are reading this, chances are that I've killed myself in some manner. As of the time I am writing this I have not decided on how. I am sorry for how this made you feel. It has been on my brain for a long time and obviously I succumbed. I was so tired and helpless.

Let me start off saying I do not want to be cremated. I don't want my ashes to be kept in an urn, it'll make me feel alone even more. I just want a private funeral, wake, memorial, orbituary or even a cross somewhere in remembrance. I want a lot of daisies around my casket because that's my favorite flower.

I would also really not like the news of this to travel far. I don't want people to feel sad for me or even pity me more. And there are a couple of things I would like to say to some people I cherish the most:

Mommy and Daddy: Please don't be sad. None of this was your fault. So,thank you for raising me with love. I never once doubted that the two of you loved me very much.

5K: This is just my choice. I thought long and hard on this, It is what I want. And I know you guys don't want this for me. I'm sorry but none of your existential quote or words of wisdom can cure this, It won't change anything. Believe me. I did everything to save myself but It just so happens that I am not that strong as you think I am. I sincerely hope that y'all will move on from this and just be happy without me. It's okay. I can say I'm finally free and you don't have to worry. Love you all! xx

You see...

I do not fear death. I fear life. I fear the tortures of my every day. I fear the noise and the vision. I fear what I can do. I fear what I will do. I'm sorry everyone but this world is just not my place. Maybe I was meant to be a ghost who watches people everyday and just wonder why am I here on earth or a lost butterfly in someone else's garden. I am leaving a world to which I never truly belonged or fit in. And I'm sorry if I'm not strong enough. Know that I'm gone because I chose to do so. There's no one to blame.

For once, I finished something I started. For once I was brave enough to go through with something risky and dangerous. I want my peace. I do hope that I can watch you all from the clouds above. And sending down the purest and beautiful butterflies to send you love and comfort.

The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. Grabe 'yung pag-iisip ko, sobra pa sa sobra. I'm an overthinker, it's either my thoughts can save me from actually doing it or it can be the cause of my death.

I tried to cancel the free trial, but sadly it didn't work. I attempted suicide three times and I failed thrice can you imagine that? Mas toxic ang thoughts ko noon. I have this situation where I was so numb from too much pain. It was a real madness inside me. No one knows about this story pero I think it's time to open this part of my life.

During my college I struggled with the whole "going no where" thing ever since I was out of high school. There's no one I can be transparent to about what I'm feeling. I feel like everyone is too busy with their own life and I was just a burden all this time. I hate college and I would rather be homeless, I would rather work a shi t job or I would rather lie in bed until I die. Honestly I don't know what is and what isn't for me anymore. Overall I'm so tired and completely lost all my motivation and my brain can't find dopamine to get me to care. It all feels pointless. So that time I have to go to school of course kasi it's weekdays. And I did. But before I go to school I'm thinking ways to do it. There's not a day I don't think about life if I didn't exist. There's not a day I don't stare at the taunting blade underneath our desk, making me wonder how deep do I have to cut until I fall asleep.

I remember meron pa nga akong rope sa kwarto ni lola and I'm the one who tie it into a knot. I'm not sure if they got weirded out or wonder why there's a rope there. What my plan was, I can just do it sa edge ng kama, 'yun bang sa sobrang higpit I will never grasp for air. It's actually how prisoner execute their suicide. Moving forward I had to go to school, and I did. I'm actually standing in front of the school entrance thinking if I should go inside or just end myself. But what I did was I turned around at sumakay ako ng jeep na wala sa sarili. I stare people blankly. And I almost forgot to pay for my own fare dahil nakatulala lang ako sa kawalan. What am I thinking? I'm actually deciding.

I have to decide that time.

'Kung lalagpas ako sa usual na binababaan ko pauwi. I'll probably gonna kill myself. I mean there's a lot of option for me. I can go to MRT, mag pasagasa or tumalon sa building. I mean I'm not really scared of doing it, the only thing na pumipigil sa'kin is 'yung mga taong maiiwan ko. As I was looking outside the jeep. What flashes right before my eyes was my own family grieving and blaming themselves when I'm gone. I truly believe my body would be nothing but dust before anyone would even notice I wasn't around pero I know how painful it would be for them. The awful sickness I feel inside of me is eating me alive from the inside out but I'm not selfish. I care about my family more than I care for myself.

I look cold as ice on the outside but the moment I got home. I did cry so hard. All I did was cry. Dun ako nag decide na hindi ko na kaya, na I don't want to go to college anymore. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong mag-aral, I mean theres more to that. I wanted to but how am I supposed to do that? It's really hard for me to explain. And the most heartbreaking part of that situation was, my own father told me na nag-iinarte lang ako. It hurts me more kasi I'm at my lowest and that's the time that I realised that no one really tried to understand me. I really wish na pag-iinarte nga lang ang lahat so it's a lot more easier for me to deal with. Pero hindi eh. No one bothers asking me why or what happened without giving me judgements and all. Maybe this is the reason why I prefer to just keep it all to myself.

I always tell myself that I am strong. I have always been strong, but until when? How long do I have to keep holding on? I can't see myself growing old or dying of natural causes. During those critical times the only way I can see myself go is if i do it myself. Some nights you feel the void in your heart growing and you wonder if It's going to be like that forever. You become exhausted trying to win against your loneliness, so you just sit in the corner, and passively let it eat you alive. I faced multiple problems everyday.

Money. Motivation. Rejection. Will to live. I also ate insults for lunch from myself. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm harsh. I'm insecure. I'm so fucking edgy and raw, that's why I scare myself sometimes. There were specific incident when I went further than I had intended to, or I broke a personal rule or boundary I'd previously set myself, and at those times I was really, immediately, very scared of myself and what I could do to myself. The recent incident was only last year. I cut myself, there's a lot of lines on my wrist. It's getting deeper and deeper every cuts. But my intention was not to cut my wrist anyway, I want to slit my throat or just stab myself. Because I want a sure kill. That's how my mind works.

As much as I try to be a decent, relatively normal person, there is just a dark cloud over me. I'm dissociated a lot of the time. I don't trust people. I love humanity, but I do hate people. There is just this darkness inside of me that is scary. They don't know or understand what it feels like to carry that the whole entire time. What it does to a person. I am not bad and I know that. I was always the sympathetic and empathetic one that saw the good in everyone. I still am. But I'm scared of myself. What's inside me, and what I am capable of. So, I'm hoping na people would understand me. I mean I don't think I'm suicidal. I'm not that person na araw-araw the only thought I have is to kill myself. Hindi pa ako umaabot sa ganon, those kind of idea will eventually come to me kapag hindi ko na alam 'kung sa paanong way ko i-hahandle 'yung situation. Like when something BIG happened to the point na I can't even handle my own thoughts and emotions or I can't control the situation I'm in doon ako nag-iisip ng masama.

Feeling like a contradiction. Wanting connection, but avoiding it. Wanting to friendly or decent, but knowing one could explode at any moment. It's a tough way to live, holding that at bay all the time. This is why I have a butterfly tattoo. It resembles my life kahit papaano. Like, I was in a cocoon that was dark, confusing, and incredibly sad. I was scared of people, and I still am, but not as much as before. I was told that I was troubled, that something was wrong with me, and that I was disturbed. No one took the time to understand me, but they took the time to judge and reject me. Butterfly is supposed to be held for a short time and then let go. It's beauty is not for anyone to possess and if someone tried to possess it, the butterfly ceases to exist. I flit through life and I enter people's lives for a short time, then I fly away. I learn from them, and they learn from me. I'm always sad at the end of my time with them, but I'm happy for the experience.

I don't want to be born as human again if I have a choice. Being a butterfly is not a bad idea. That seems like the good life. Short and Simple. Being a human is just...too complicated and miserable. So many limbs, and digits on this body to worry about. And what am I supposed to be doing this whole time? Walk around? Touch things? Cry everytime? Forget it... I'd rather just fly above everything and observe. It'd be worth drinking sweet nectar from flowers.

And before I die I wish I'm listening to Butterfly by BTS because that's also my favorite song from them and I don't want a cremation! I hate that. Anyway this is not a suicide note...I hope it's not tho. All I know is that the only reason why I'm still alive is I want to spare my family from pain and trauma. Because I felt that.

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sammysvanfeet · 2 years

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Boston Calling || Chapter Two

Jake x Reader - Enemies to Lovers

Word count: 5k+

*WARNINGS*: cursing, abandonment issues, overbearing mother, mentions of death, mentions of alcohol, Oliver Reed (yes that needs it's own warning)

Chapter 3

I stared at the boy in front of me in utter disbelief, my mouth hung agape ever so slightly and I closed it quickly before he caught on to my surprise. I slowly took his hand and gave him a polite handshake before speaking.

“You look exactly like this guy in my Sound Engineering class.” He chuckled at my words before responding to me like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I presume you’re talking about Jacob, in which case, yes, we do look very much alike, and that would be because we’re identical twins.” He finished, arms folded across his chest giving me a sly grin. He looked down towards my neck before meeting my eyes once again.

“Nice scarf.” he complimented.

I glanced at the article of clothing he commended, before slipping out a small thank you. There was this nervous energy that had accumulated in me throughout this entire interaction. Josh was so intimidating, what with his obvious charismatic nature and outgoing personality, I felt so mediocre compared to him. A feeling I wasn’t familiar with at all.

I dragged the chair away from the table before sitting on the cold seat, the wooden dowels in the backrest digging into my spine as I leaned against it. I pulled my computer out of my bag and I could hear Josh resume his typing. My goodness he was loud, he typed as though he had a personal vendetta against the keys, slapping away at the black plastic squares. He must have been writing something incredibly important, the look on his face was determined and he seemed so sure of himself. I couldn’t help but stare at his features once again, still in shock over the revelation that he and Jake are brothers, twins on account of his words.

“So are you a sound engineering major, too?” I blurted out.

He didn’t seem irritated by my interruption, instead he smirked at me.

“Philosophy and film, actually…”

“Wow! I suppose you and Jake really couldn’t be more different.” I huffed, incredulously.

“You’ve got that right, mama.” He winked. I was somewhat taken aback by his forwardness. It wasn’t a gesture that made me feel uncomfortable or like he was hitting on me, I just genuinely believe that assured demeanor was simply just a part of his disposition. Perhaps I would like this Kiszka.

“So, what do people do around here for fun? Besides skulking around the library at night?” I joked, suddenly feeling more confident around Josh.

“Well I can’t promise you a night of debauchery, but I am a regular at this little joint about 20 minutes or so off campus. They host open mic nights, karaoke, live bands… you name it. You should tag along tomorrow night, the inner performer in you will beg to be revealed!” He dramatically divulged while waving his around hands wildly, earning hushing whispers from students around us.

I smiled bigger than I had in weeks. Josh was magnetic, endearing and so over-the-top you couldn’t help but feel joyful around him. I agreed to his offer without hesitation, despite myself being a notoriously reserved person. Maybe this is just what my therapist ordered…

Josh and I exchanged phone numbers later that night, the library much quieter now and almost completely unoccupied, save for us and a few other students… one of whom had fallen asleep on her textbook. He kept cracking witty remarks about anything and everything. Not only was he humorous, but his love for philosophy and film was evident. Before long, I could barely suppress the impending yawn in my throat. When Josh noticed my drowsy state, he took that as our cue to head out. Bundling up in our winter weather wear and stashing the bricks of books into our backpacks, we silently made our way outside.

“I’ll text you the details regarding tomorrow night when I get back home, I’ll see you then Y/N.” He winked, sharing a genuine smile and walking the opposite way, in the direction I’m assuming was his apartment.

“Alright, bye Josh!” I called after him, my voice cheery. He tilted his head over his shoulder and threw a peace sign as he continued to stroll down the sidewalk.

I felt giddy, the prospect of finally not being alone was enthralling. People don’t emphasize just how exhausting the feeling of loneliness is, it eats at your thoughts and consumes your daily tasks, and more importantly, it severely fucks up your perception of human interactions.

I was unsure of myself, I’m only now learning how to pursue relationships with others without the shadow of my mother behind me. As self absorbed as it is to say, my entitlement was a difficult aspect in my life to give up. Not that I wanted to be that way, by no means was that true, it’s just hard to rid yourself of your unrealistic expectations when that’s all you’ve known. And God knows how impactful that’s been in my past friendships.

I could see my apartment building quickly approaching and made my way past the roses that lined the front garden gates and up the steps to the porch. Pulling the storm door open, I entered the poorly lit lobby of the building. The black and white tiled checkered floors were my favorite aspect of the whole place. It reminded me of my childhood home, the one we had before my dad passed away and my older sister started acting out. When I was younger we lived in an 1960’s home that had been refurbished by an old lesbian couple, and they decided it would be appropriate to leave the black and white chipping tiles that made up the kitchen floor. I remember my mother always joked about how much she hated it. She was different back then, when she had dad around. He always insisted the floors gave the home character. The pattern was so whimsical, something out of Alice in Wonderland. I stepped through the lobby, making sure to only plant my feet on the black tiles, hopping around. It was a little game I liked to play with myself, one that I’d frequently play as a child, jumping around the kitchen island while my older sister baked me cookies. It was such a futile yet fulfilling act. When I finally reached the bottom of the staircase that led to the upper apartments, I couldn’t help but feel deep sadness over the fact that my sister wasn’t here this time to bake me pastries and desserts. My boots fell heavily on the wooden steps as I made my way to my apartment door, fishing the keys to my residence out of my coat pocket before turning the lock and filing my way inside.

Thoughts of my sister suddenly devoured my sleep deprived brain. I suppose I thought about her because of Josh, in a way he reminded me a lot of her. Their shared flamboyant nature and distinct clothing choices. The vibration of a notification sent to my phone interrupted my deliberation. Walking over to my bedroom I read the message on the lock screen. Josh had texted me the address to the venue I was supposed to meet him at tomorrow night followed by a very simple ‘nice meeting you, mama’ and a ‘goodnight’. Of course, in what I was learning to be typical Josh fashion, he had to include his flair into absolutely everything and included a semicolon winky face. ‘Classic’, I thought, not a guy into the whole revitalized emoji scene.

I tossed my phone on one side of the bed before stripping myself of the day's clothes, immediately feeling a million times better as I peeled the sweaty socks off of my feet and rid myself of the unbelievably tight sweater vest that I’m convinced belonged to an infant at one point. I couldn’t help myself from digging into my closet in search of a suitable outfit for the following night. I wanted to make a good impression on Josh and his friends, I wanted them to see me as one of them. Already assuming Josh was going to wear something extravagant, I frantically went through my hangers of clothes before finding what I was looking for at the back of my wardrobe. Slightly concealed by a dejected collection of blazers, the pink slip dress was vaguely peeking out, it’s black lace trim barely visible. A rush of warmth filled my chest. This particular garment belonged to my sister. I remember her wearing it many times before, she always wore it with such conviction, and she looked gorgeous every time, undeniable happiness painting her face. In one particularly fond memory she was sneaking out of our shared bedroom as the moonlight reflected off of the silk of the dress, illuminating her. She glanced over her shoulder at me, beaming that infectious smile and said, “Our secret, right Bug?”

Wiping a stray tear that had traitorously escaped down my cheek, I held the slip over my form and pondered my reflection in the full size mirror adjacent to the closet. It was form-fitting and slinky, something I wouldn’t usually be comfortable wearing. If it wasn’t for the sentimental value it possessed, I wouldn’t even own it. I considered the addition of some tights, my heeled boots and my trusty black coat. I couldn’t forgo a matching pink silk hair bow to pull the outfit together. I hung the dress from the door of my closet and gathered the other items to complete the look. Taking a step back, I admired the garment and accessories all placed together. A small grin creeped across my cheeks, I was more than pleased with the choice of outfit. I moved forward to hold the lace detailing at the bottom of the dress, tracing the pattern with my fingers, I was going to look phenomenal.

✦✦✦

As usual, I rode the bus to class the following morning, listening to my favorite true crime podcast and people watching. The air felt different today. Maybe it was the unusually warm temperature, threatening to melt the snow and welcome Spring. Or maybe it was the fact that I was actually going to go out tonight! I barely paid any mind to Jake during the entirety of Sound Engineering, actually allowing him a chance to answer most of the questions for once.

After class was dismissed, I gathered my things and headed to the coffee shop to grab a well deserved hot beverage. Luckily only one employee was there today. He was tall with long dark hair, save for a few scattered highlights. He was incredibly handsome. He introduced himself as Danny.

“You came in a few days ago.” He commented. I was slightly confused as to how I didn’t remember this interaction he was referring to. Cocking my eyebrow, head tilted, I looked at him as an indicator to elaborate.

“We didn’t speak, but I just remember you walking in, my coworker, Jake, was the one who took your order.” He finished with a soft smile. I nodded and returned the same smile.

“Yeah we’re actually in the same class for sound engineering, I think we’ll be taking up an internship opportunity together.” I relayed all this information mindlessly to Danny while fishing for my wallet to pay for this new tea flavor that was brightly advertised on a wooden board by the front counter.

“Yeah, I know who you are, Jake’s told me a little about you.” he said nonchalantly as he swiped the credit card I handed him through the POS system. I blinked a few times before recomposing myself. Jake talked about me? This insatiable urge to ask about what he spoke of me was bubbling it's way out of my throat.

I chuckled a little and cooly responded, “I wouldn’t believe a word he says about me.” Throwing a wink his way for good measure.

Danny got to making my beverage before guffawing, “Ha! Trust me, of all people I know how much of a jerk Jake can be sometimes.” He hesitated, “but he has a good heart…”

“Is that so? Well in that case maybe Jake and Josh are more alike than I thought.” I pondered aloud.

“Ahh, so you have already met Josh. Lucky you.” He nudged me with his elbow.

I retrieved my tea from his hands and inhaled the steaming beverage before taking a sip. The flavors of passionfruit and hibiscus enveloped my senses.

“How is it?” He asked me, hands propping himself up on the counter.

“It’s brilliant, really, thank you.” I replied. It was true, the tea was amazing. I took another sip and a few drops of my drink slipped its way out of the lid and onto my chin.

“Careful there, you don’t want to get any on that pretty scarf of yours.” Danny said, as he handed me a napkin. I gingerly took it from his hands and wiped the liquid off of my face as I thanked him.

He was so gentle with his actions. Wiping his espresso stained hands with the rag in the pocket of his apron before tucking it back into its rightful place. Everything he did was so calculated. He was so poised. He looked up at me before speaking.

“Anything else I can do for you?” He asked. He was kindly insinuating to me that he had work to do and couldn’t dawdle with me for much longer. I shook my head no and turned to leave the establishment after thanking him once again.

The rest of the day consisted of me doing homework, working on my internship paperwork and checking in with my therapist before finally working up the nerve to return my mother’s calls. After two rings she abruptly answered.

“So you’re alive then.”

“Yes, mother. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner. I know I promised–”

She cut me off with a disapproving tut. “Y/N, making excuses is a terrible habit of yours and quite frankly it’s unbecoming for a woman of your status.”

“I’m sorry, mother.” I meekly replied.

“As you have already said.” She took a sip of something. I pictured her nursing a giant glass of Chardonnay at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.

“Well, one of my Professors told me about an internship at a recording studio in Albany! I am still finishing up the official application, however, he all but said the opportunity is mine if I want it.”

“Albany… New York?” I could practically hear the disapproval across the phone. “What kind of reputable music producer operates out of Albany of all places? You couldn’t find anything in Manhattan?”

“Mother, do you know how far Manhattan is from Boston? It’s almost twice as long of a drive than it is to Albany. All that time driving would take away from time studying, don’t you agree?” I was desperately hoping she would see my point.

“You know, I still don’t know why you had to transfer to that practically nanoscopic excuse of a university. Back home in Nashville you could have any opportunity you wanted, all at your fingertips.”

“That is the point. I desperately want to carry on your legacy and make you proud, but I think I will feel more of a sense of accomplishment if I do it myself. I don’t want to have to rely on the privileges being your daughter gives me. I want to work hard and earn things by my own merit.”

“Well you don’t seem to mind cashing the checks I send you every week.” She snidely responded.

I slowly inhaled, holding my breath and releasing before responding. I knew she wanted to get a rise out of me. “You know how much I appreciate your financial help. As I have said before, if you would prefer I get a job on top of my full time course load and potential internship, then that can be arranged.”

“Oh so is that what you want?” Her voice had increased by several octaves. She started yelling down the phone. “You want to be cut off?” She threatened. I felt the slow rage creeping up my neck.

“Maybe I do!” I fought back.

“You will regret ever speaking to me this way, Y/N.” And with that, the call disconnected.

✦✦✦

With one hand, I clutched the wool coat I was wearing closed across my chest. I was running late and I didn’t want to make a bad impression on Josh or his friends. The other hand held my phone with Josh’s message indicating the address I was supposed to show up at tonight. I rushed down the busy sidewalk, glancing up at the numbers on the buildings until I found the establishment. Nerves suddenly set in– whether that was lingering from the disastrous phone call with my mother or because I was about to hang out with a new group of people was yet to be determined.

I shot off a text to Josh, simply saying ‘Here! :)’, adding the emoticon knowing he would appreciate it.

I was shivering at this point, despite wearing a thick pair of tights and my favorite boots. The pink slip dress did little to warm me, but the silkiness of the fabric and memories it elicited felt like a comfort in this moment. Before I could contemplate if Josh had even seen my text, the heavy door to the building pushed open before a head popped out with a mess of curls and a big, beautiful smile.

“You made it!” His words came out louder than intended, and he slurred slightly. “This dress is amazing!” He held the soft fabric between his fingers. I noticed he was already slightly tipsy by how touchy-feely he was being, but then again, maybe that was another distinct characteristic to Josh’s exuberant persona.

“Hey, you started without me!” I teased.

“Don’t worry about it, you just need to catch up, come! Let’s get some drinks in you!” he replied, waving his hand around in a circle.

Josh led me through the crowd of people by the small of my back. It was a comforting motion, seeing as though I was essentially surrounded by strangers. We landed at the bar, where Josh gestured to the bartender and held up two fingers. Not even a minute later, two shots of clear liquid and two wedges of lime were placed in front of us.

“Bajabule! Drink up mama!” He bellowed.

I sniffed the liquid curiously, scrunching my face in distaste. “Josh, what on earth is this?”

“Tequila!” He clinked our shot glasses together before downing his in one sip. He slid the lime between his lips and sucked. It was as if he didn’t even feel the burn of the liquor.

“I don’t know about this, Josh. I don’t usually drink tequila…” The uncertainty was clearly depicted on my face.

He looked at me with the most heart melting expression, those big brown eyes like saucers as he pouted. “Just one, for me! To our newfound friendship!”

I relented, “Fine, just one!”

The liquor burned as I suppressed a gag. Josh handed me my lime wedge which didn’t do much to soothe the fire in my throat. After a few minutes, and, admittedly, another shot, my belly felt warm. A blush crept to my cheeks and a giddy smile took over my face. I was definitely a lightweight and I was starting to feel the effects.

“Are you ready to meet the whole gang?” He slung his arm over my shoulder and carefully led me to a booth at the back of this little bar. As we maneuvered our way around the throngs of tipsy college kids, I realized there was a little stage in the corner where a band had been playing. Bodies swayed to the music, everyone looked so carefree and lively.

“Y/N, this is the gang! Gang, this is Y/N!” Josh shouted over the music.

“Hi, gorgeous! I’m Sam, but my friends call me Sammy.” The tall, long haired boy stood up and offered his hand to shake. I shook his hand politely and nodded my head, offering him a wide smile in acknowledgment. He looked incredibly similar to Josh and Jake. “I’m the little brother.” He winked at me and motioned with his thumb to Josh.

Josh cleared his throat, “and this is…”

“Danny!!!” I squealed, recognizing the friendly face in front of me and hugging him tightly. The liquor was definitely getting the better of me.

“So I see you’ve already met Daniel?” Josh said, curiously.

“He makes the best hot beverages on the entire East coast!” I chuckled to myself. “At least ten times better than the ones Jake makes, anyways.” I finished, rolling my eyes in faux annoyance before the grin on my face returned.

A peachy color covered Danny’s cheeks and nose at the compliment. He opened his mouth to say something, before abruptly closing it, looking over my shoulder cautiously. I spun on my heel, maybe a little too fast and had to be steadied by a pair of arms behind me. I giggled as I went to look up and thank my saviour, but instead I was met with a murderous glare from none other than Jake.

“What is she doing here?” He spoke through gritted teeth, to everyone but me it seemed.

I cautiously slipped out of his grasp and took a seat next to Danny before fiddling with the ends of my bow behind my neck. I was wondering if anyone else clocked the malicious intent behind his voice or noticed how irritated he was by my presence.

“I met Y/N yesterday at the library, we got to talking, and I figured I’d invite her out with us.” Josh spoke, cheery as he retold the events from last night.

I looked up at Jake and gave him a very meek smile in an attempt to console his attitude and perhaps put up a nice veneer for the rest of the group at the table. He turned to me and muttered a brief ‘hey’, devoid of any emotion and the look in his eyes still evident. I said ‘hello’ in response before turning my attention to the table in front of me.

“I’m gonna go get another drink, I’ll be right back.” Jake spoke, addressing the whole group, and curtly turned towards the bar.

I couldn’t help but follow him with my eyes as he walked further away from us. He looked really good tonight, a dark blue collared long sleeve, slightly wrinkled and rolled up to his elbows, the top half buttons undone and a few scattered wooden necklaces peaking out. He donned a pair of black skinny jeans that I noticed to be his go to pair of pants, as I had seen him wear them multiple times before in class. His hair messily tied in a low bun and with a few strands fallen from his bangs tucked behind his ears. Oh and he clearly loved rings, he had a plethora of them on his hands, all a rusty silver, and one of them being a hair tie he had wrapped around his middle finger. In my slightly inebriated state I didn’t even realize how long I was staring at Jake until his twin snapped a finger in front of my face, bringing me out of my drunken daze.

“You alright, mama?” he giggled, clearly privy to my obvious distraction.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, that tequila really was something.” I replied in hopes of excusing my behavior.

“So, you and Jake seem to be real pals huh?” Josh questioned, a small smirk painting his cheeks. He looked at me expectantly, as if he knew what I was going to say.

“Well we haven’t really gotten off to a great start, I don’t think he’s very friendly, or he just doesn’t like me much, and I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.” I replied, sighing softly and looking at the art and posters on the wall next to us.

“Yea, well you're definitely on his mind to say the least.” Josh stated slyly before reaching over and taking a sip of Sammy’s beer. He wore a shit eating grin on his face. This fucker did know something. I turned to him and stared at him incredulously. ‘What did he say?’, I thought to myself. I cocked my head before asking him the blistering question on the back burner of my brain.

“What do you mean?” I scoffed, looking at him curiously.

“Oh you know, stuff about how you’re this rich girl, with a hot shot music producer mom, he thinks you’re a nepotism baby, ranted on and on about you and your music experience. That kind of stuff.”

I couldn’t help but look taken aback at his reply. Buying myself a few seconds to formulate a response, I grabbed the beer out of Josh’s hands and took a good few gulps.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Sammy whined.

“He doesn’t know anything about me, he listened to a segment our professor gave regarding me and my mother, that was it.” I said directed to Josh, a shocked and defensive tone on my tongue. He raised his hands up and gave me an nonchalant glance.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, that’s just what he said about you, and as your new friend, I’m just telling you about all the latest gossip.” He said, with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Oh and don’t get me started on your blue scarf, he hates it with a burning passion! He talks about how it makes you look like the most pretentious girl on Earth… and how it sits so perfectly on your shoulders and frames your face.” Josh continued, but this time his words were almost a mocking tone, like he was mimicking what Jake had said about the scarf, and me apparently.

Danny was giggling now too, the beer in his hands slightly sloshing in the glass as he gently shook with laughter. He added in his own piece to the conversation. “Oh I’m pretty sure his exact words were, ‘I hate the way she wears it, she thinks she’s such a princess.” he finished.

Even Sam joined in with the jesting, he snatched his beer back and giggled, his head tilting back to meet the leather booth seat. Clearly they thought this was hilarious, all laughing at my expense.

At this moment I felt so small. “Is that what you all think?” I muttered, nervously, biting at the edge of my thumbnail.

The laughing seemed to die down. Danny choked on a sip of his beer, “wh-what?” He sputtered.

“No, Y/N. I’m sorry if you thought we were making fun of you. You’re cool. This is about Jake.” Sammy offered a consoling smile.

“He has been acting like he’s had a stick up his ass for months now.” Josh snickered before adding, “...and he’s taking all that out on you.”

“I don’t understand.” I felt even more confused by Jake’s behavior than ever. His attitude started long before I transferred here, so why did he treat me the way he did?

Before the guys could offer an explanation, Jake strolled up to the table with a drink in each hand. He was swaying slightly and his eyes were glazed over. He was obviously much more intoxicated than before.

“Alright boys, I challenge you to a game of pool. Loser buys the next round.” Jake announced in a distinctly British accent.

Danny groaned but Sam jumped up excitedly. “I’ve been waiting for Oliver Reed to show up all night!” He guffawed, looping his arm around Jake’s shoulder. “You’re on!”

The three of them made their way to an open pool table, while Josh hung behind for a second. His eyes caught mine and we shared a look that I couldn’t quite place. He had an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face, he opened his mouth before deciding to close it again, thinking better about whatever he was going to say.

“So… Oliver Reed, huh?” I snorted, attempting to lighten the mood.

“Ugh, don’t get me started on his fucking drunken alter ego.”

The boys were animatedly discussing who would play who. I could hear Sammy challenge Danny, leaving Jake sulking. The game was absolutely riveting to watch. These grown men got so childishly competitive over a game and quite frankly, it was entertaining. I was really starting to warm up to these people. As the game came to a close, with Danny reigning victorious, he finally beckoned Jake to play him next.

“Alright pretty boy, let’s see what you’ve got.” Oliver, I mean Jake, drawled.

If I thought the last game was heated, this one was something else. Tensions were high, even the other patrons were eagerly awaiting the outcome of the game. Watching Jake methodically pace the length of the table, calculating his hits before taking them, all of it was strangely alluring. He was dedicated, I would give him that. He took the last hit to the 8 ball and sunk it, earning a round of cheers from the crowd of onlookers that had gathered around. Even I found myself cheering as he won.

“Who’s next?” He challenged.

“Y/N!” Josh offered without hesitation, leading to a collective turning of heads towards our location.

“I, I– No, I can’t, I mean I–” I felt like I was choking on my words.

“Ha what, are you scared? A little fraidy cat, are you, love?” Jake taunted in the cockney accent he had been using all night.

Josh physically pushed me forward. “She is a suitable challenger!” He announced in a distinguished voice.

I was sweating, with the heat of the stares from those around me and the shitty fluorescent lights. I had to win this game. Grabbing a pool cue and rubbing the chalk on the end, I broke and questioned “stripes or solids?” innocently.

Jake faltered for a second, clearly not expecting me to participate in the challenge.

“Well?” I cocked my head to the side and batted my eyelashes, enjoying seeing him at a loss for words.

“Solids.” He gulped.

We went for three rounds before the other guys drunkenly called it. “Jake, you lost, bro!”

“You got your ass beat!” A random patron called.

“She’s a cheater… sh-she cheated, she gets everything she w-wants” Jake hiccuped, dramatically flailing his arms around, almost knocking someone’s drink from their hand.

“Okay, bud, let’s get you home.” Josh grimaced at me before beckoning his brother out of the building.

I felt untouchable, the look on Jake’s face was enough to sustain me for a lifetime. I had finally checked HIS ego; the words of a sore loser could not hurt me.

Danny sidled up next to me. I had noticed he had nursed the one beer through the night.

“Want a ride home? The Kiszka’s are going to Uber.” He graciously offered.

“That would be great, actually!”

TAG LIST (let us know if you would like to be added <3)

@celestialfauna @streamsofstardustt

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americasass91 · 3 years

Text

The Shield and the Sweater

Hello lovelies! This little fic came to me when the lovely, beautiful, talented @stargazingfangirl18 asked a very important question on her blog. Would you rather be enemies to lovers with Steve Rogers or friends with benefits with Ransom Drysdale. Well my greedy ass wanted both. Thus the birth of this story. I also turned it around a little to make it fit into Siri’s 5k Soft Dark Challenge! I’ve never written anything dark before. Also not sure if this classifies as soft!dark or if it’s more dark. But it’s one of those! If that makes you uncomfortable, then please don’t read it. This is also my first time writing a threesome, so let me know if it sucks! I hope you enjoy it! 😘

General prompts:

8)The town golden boy isn’t as sweet as everyone thinks.

Dialogue prompts:

3)”Oh, honey, you weren’t supposed to see that.”

11)”I’ve waited a long time for this, sweetheart.”

Rating: Explicit(if you’re under 18, please leave)

Words: 6.2k(this one got away from me, sorry)

Warnings: soft!dark/dark themes, unprotected sex, anal sex, vaginal sex, threesome(M/M/F), manipulation, language, model!Ransom being an asshole, Steve not being who you think he is

“And I really think if everyone pitches in to make these changes, it’ll really make a difference in the long run.”

Wow, so this is how you were going to die. In your whole 20 something years of existence, you never thought boredom would be your cause of death.

Sure, you were the lead Accountant at Stark Tower and these monthly meetings were mandatory. But did you really have to be here to listen to Rogers go on and on about how we can ‘improve our working environment’? Why did he even care anyway? He was barely ever here as it is.

You must have been zoning out worse than you thought because next thing you know your coworker, Janet, is poking you in the side and pointing towards Steve.

With a quick glare sent her way, you move your gaze to the Captain. He is giving you the same look he always does. Like he’s disgusted with you. “I’m sorry Miss Y/L/N. Am I boring you?”

A scoff escapes your mouth. “No, not at all Captain Rogers. I just love when people who are never here seem to always have an opinion on how things are run and how they could be better.”

He narrows his eyes at you. “Do you have a problem with me, Y/N? Cause if you do, I’m sure there’s a way to solve that.”

You stand up and match his expression. You lean forward with your hands resting on the table. You can’t help but notice the Captain drops his gaze to your cleavage that’s now on more display than before. But just as quick as it was there, his gaze rises back up to meet your face. “Is that a threat, Captain Rogers?”

“Oh, it’s more than a-“

Tony quickly stands up and claps his hands together. “Okay! Meeting adjourned! You two, come here!”

You quickly straighten yourself up and make your way over to Tony. You always try to make sure you show him as much respect as you can. He’s your boss after all.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark. My emotions got the better of me. It won’t happen again.”

He nods to you. “Thank you, Y/N. I accept your apology. But what I’m not understanding is why Steve here wanted to fire you?”

You both turn to look at Steve who has a sheepish expression on his face. “Yeah, sorry about that, Tony. She just seems to bring out this ugly side of me. I’ll try to keep it more contained next time.” He then moves his gaze to you. “Sorry, Y/N. I promise to be more professional moving forward.”

He makes a quick exit, leaving you shocked that he apologized at all. Ever since you started here almost a year ago now, you’ve been at each other’s throats. It was your fault really.

It was your first week and you were in the break room grabbing some coffee when you overheard a few of your coworkers making fun of Steve for being a virgin. Now, you weren’t sure if it was true but you wanted to fit in so you made your way over to the group and asked if anyone calls him Captain Virgin. That earned you some big laughs. But the laughter died down quickly as Steve entered the room to grab some coffee. Judging by the glare he gave you, he heard what you had called him.

You went straight to Tony after that to apologize. You really didn’t want to get fired. But you wanted to make sure Tony heard the story from you before Steve got the chance to talk to him. To your utter surprise, Tony found the name hilarious and gave you a high five, saying you were going to fit right in.

Well long story short, it’s almost a year later and Steve is still getting called Captain Virgin. Oh but don’t worry, he has names of his own for you. His favorite is Tony’s Pet. For some reason, it really eats at you when he calls you that.

But the one thing you hate the most about Steve?

Is how utterly, hopelessly, and desperately attracted you are to the son of a bitch.

That happened in your second week when you went to use the complimentary gym and saw him beating the shit out of some poor punching bag. Your panties and your workout were definitely ruined after that.

The more you fought with Steve, the more you just wanted him to bend you over any surface and have his way with you.

It was despicable how horny you were for him. You were pretty sure all he’d have to do is snap his fingers and point to the floor in front of him and you’d happily drop to your knees and take him down your throat.

So that left you leaving work every day in a horny state. You started by taking care of it yourself when you got home. But after a while even that wasn’t cutting it. Then you started bringing home one night stands. But after the 4th disappointing non-orgasm, you gave up and just learned to live with it.

Sure, you could attempt to start being nice to Steve and maybe ask him out. But you were pretty sure he hated you. Plus you have way too much pride to actually do that.

So that leads to now. It’s Friday night and your workday is almost over. You’re inputting the last few numbers from the last expense report in your pile.

You get the last number put in when Janet approaches you. She sits on the corner of your desk. “So, you coming tonight?”

You take your glasses off and lean back in your chair, stretching your arms over your head. “Coming where?”

She rolls her eyes at you. “Oh, come on Y/N! You know we go out almost every Friday night. You never come and you always say you will!”

You start to clear off your desk and put things back in their place. “Yeah well I could. Or I could go home and sit on my ass and do nothing.”

“Well, that explains why it’s looking a bit bigger lately.”

Janet’s jaw drops as she directs her gaze at Steve, who is now standing in front of your desk.

You smirk and lean on your elbows towards him. “You like looking at my ass, Rogers?”

He scoffs. “Well when it takes up that much space, it’s hard not to notice. But here, I came to give you this.”

He hands you what looks to be a 10 page expense report. “Sorry it’s late, I’ve been busy, you know. Saving the world.”

You ungraciously take it from him and throw it in your to-do pile. “That can wait until Monday. I’ve got plans. We’re going to-” you look towards Janet for clarification. “Lavo.” You turn your gaze back to Steve. “Yeah, we’re going to Lavo. So this will wait til Monday if that’s okay with you, sir.”

Steve does his best to move his bag and jacket subtly towards the front of his pants so you won’t notice his growing hard-on. He hates how turned on he gets when you guys get into it. And then you call him sir? Jesus. He clears his throat. “Of course, I'm the one who turned it in at the last minute.”

Janet speaks up quickly. “You could always come with us! It’ll be fun!”

You grin widely at him. “Yeah! You could finally get your cherry popped, Captain Virgin.”

Steve can’t help the blush that covers his cheeks. “Uh, I can assure you my cherry has been popped since the 40’s. But thank you for your concern. And thank you for the invite, Janet. But i think I’ll stay in tonight.” He takes out his phone and sends a quick text before turning around and walking towards the elevators.

Wow. He didn’t even try to retaliate. You shrug your shoulders and grab your purse before standing up. “Alright, I’ll go! But on one condition!”

Janet claps her hands in excitement and starts walking with you towards the elevators. “Sure, anything!”

You press the button for the lobby. “You are going to be my wingwoman. Cause this girl definitely needs to get laid.”

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Lavo is super packed by the time you guys arrive. Of course you all had to go home and change.

You decided to go with a simple, yet effective, little black dress that showed off just enough to get men’s attention.

Thankfully you are able to score the last table. The waiter comes over and gets everyone’s drink order. You decide to stick with your favorite. You don’t want to get too drunk on the off chance you find someone to take home.

About a half hour into hot office gossip, Lucy, who is sitting across from you, taps your arm. You raise your eyebrows in question towards her.

She subtly nods her head towards the bar. “Okay I’m pretty sure the hottest guy I have ever seen is checking you out.”

You can’t help the smirk that crosses your face. “Yeah? Which one?”

“You can’t miss him. He’s fucking hot. Like no comparison to any of the other dudes sitting up there.”

You glance down at your drink and quickly finish the remainder. You stand up and adjust your dress, pushing up your breasts in the process. “Well, then I guess it’s time for a refill.” You wink and turn to make your way towards the bar.

It doesn’t take long for you to spot him. And boy was Lucy not kidding. He was fucking hot. Brown hair, blue eyes, and a smug smirk that would normally turn you off. But on him it worked. And who even looks that good in a fucking cream colored cable knit?

You go up to the bar, not too close to Mr. Hottie of course, and patiently wait for the bartender.

Hottie McHothot not so subtly moves his gaze up and down your body. He must like what he sees. “Hey honey, have you ever raised chickens?”

Uh. That’s definitely not the first thing you expected to come out of his mouth. You look over at him with confusion on your face. “Uh, no. Why do you ask?”

He just shrugs his shoulders. “Just kinda figured you might. Cause you sure can raise a cock.”

Okay, you’ve definitely never heard that line before. You crack up. You’re pretty sure you even snorted on accident. Once you collect yourself you ask, “Has that line ever worked for you?”

The bartender makes his way over to take your order. After reordering what you had before, you turn towards Hottie and wait for his answer.

“Not sure, my buddy told it to me yesterday so this is the first time I’m using it. Did it work?”

You shrug your shoulders. “I don’t know. It was pretty cheesy.”

“Yeah, maybe. But it got you to laugh. So I’d say mission accomplished. Name’s Ransom. What’s yours, pretty girl?” He holds out his hand for you to shake.

Ransom. Now where have you heard that name before? You accept his hand shake. You can’t help but notice how much bigger his hands are than yours. Jesus. You could already feel your panties getting wet.

“My name’s Y/N. Ransom, that sounds familiar. Do I know you?”

He releases your hand and goes to take a sip of his bourbon. “Well, I guess that depends. Do you read magazines or have you seen the side of the city bus lately?”

You quickly wrack your brain. You don’t read many magazines. But the bus drives by you everyday on your walk to work. Holy shit! That’s it! He’s in his underwear on the side of the bus. You’ve drooled over that picture plenty of times.

“Oh, yeah! I remember now! I’ve seen you on the bus! What’s it an ad for? I can never really get past the almost naked man. A bit distracting on my way to work.”

He smirks as he briefly glances down at your breasts. “I’m glad you know my work. It’s an ad for Calvin Klein. For their new line of men’s briefs. Sorry I’ve been a distraction.” He sends you a wink.

Fuck. He was a model. And a popular one at that if he’s in an ad for Calvin Klein.

“I didn’t say I minded. You can make it up to me you know.” You wink back. Holy shit. Were you really flirting with a model?

“Yeah? Well, how about we get out of here and I’ll show you a fully naked man.”

Okay. Cheesy line number 2. Was that really going to work on you?

Yes.

Yes it was.

“Let me just go grab my purse.”

Drink forgotten, you go back to your table as quickly as you can without looking desperate. “Sorry, girls. But this is where I leave you.”

Janet glances down at her phone. “We haven’t even been here an hour yet! Where are you going?”

You send her a wink. “I’m leaving with that guy! You guys know him! Remember that ad on the side of the bus?”

They all turn their gaze to him. And they all make it very obvious. He just waves and sends them a smirk.

“Holy fucking shit! That’s the new Calvin Klein guy! Oh my god you lucky bitch!”

“Wait! Listen. We’ll let you go on one condition.”

You furrow your brows in confusion. “Okay?”

Janet gives you a naughty smirk. “On Monday I’ll need a report on if they had to stuff his briefs to get that delicious looking bulge or not.”

You give her a naughty smirk of your own. “I can totally do that.”

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Monday morning you were all smiles as you stepped off the elevator and headed towards your desk. You give Janet a wink as you pass by her. She quickly makes her way over just as you sit down. “Um, excuse me hoe. But is that the same dress you were wearing Friday night?”

You quickly grab the cardigan you always keep in your desk out and put it on and button it up, attempting to look a little more professional. “Maybe.”

Janet opens her mouth in shock. “You stayed the whole weekend with him? You little slut! How was it?”

You turn on your computer and grab for the expense report of Steve’s you left in your to-do pile. Then you turn towards your nosy coworker. “Well, if you must know, yes. I did stay the whole weekend with him. And I’m pretty sure I was in an orgasm-induced coma the whole time. It’s all kind of a rough, sticky, mind-blowing blur.”

“Are you going to see him again?”

You shrug your shoulders as you put in your login information on the computer. “I haven’t decided yet. While the sex was the best I’ve ever had, he’s kind of an ass. Talked about himself and all the famous people he’s hooked up with since becoming a model. I honestly kept initiating sex just to make him shut up.”

She gives you a look like you’re stupid. “I’m not seeing the issue here. So what if he talks about himself a lot? The sex was amazing. You need to lock that down girl.”

You roll your eyes at her. “That’s the thing, Janet. He doesn’t do relationships. He told me so multiple times. Plus I’m pretty sure he was texting another chick in between our ‘sessions’. I suppose if I’m desperate, I’ll get a hold of him.”

“You know you could always just have him on backup for sex. Like a friends with benefits situation.”

“Janet, I’m in my late 20s. I’m too old for that kind of relationship.”

“Exactly, you’re in your late 20s! This is the perfect time for that kind of relationship before you settle down and get married! Have one last final hoorah!”

“I can’t have this conversation before caffeine. I’m going to get coffee. You act like I’m dying soon or something.” You turn to walk away but then remember you were supposed to tell her something. “Oh yeah and by the way. The bulge is definitely not stuffed.”

You give her a wink and then head to the break room for some much needed coffee. When you see who’s in there, you almost contemplate going downstairs to a different break room.

Steve is standing at the counter, preparing his coffee. He turns when he hears you come in and gives you a once over. “Well, look what the cat dragged in.”

You grab a mug out of the cabinet beside him. “Sorry my appearance isn’t up to your standards today, Rogers. I was a little...busy this weekend.”

He takes a sip of his coffee to make sure it’s right. Then he moves out of your way so you can get to the coffee, but still staying close. “Busy getting run over by a truck? Cause that’s kind of what you look like.”

You pour yourself a generous amount of coffee and take a long sip, letting the bitter liquid slowly make you human. “Yeah, well. I was busy getting fucked all weekend, Rogers. But I know your little innocent mind wouldn’t know what that’s like.”

That wipes the stupid little smirk right off his face. He almost looks pissed. He moves even closer to you. Almost pressing himself right up against you. So close that you can smell his coffee-scented breath. If you were wearing panties, they’d be ruined.

“Not all of us feel the need to sleep around. Some of us are looking for a real connection. Not just a one night stand of meaningless, mediocre sex.”

You press yourself just a little closer to him, his chest now touching yours. “Oh, it was anything but mediocre. Maybe if you actually got some, you’d know what that feels like.”

He leans his head down until his mouth is next to your ear, his left hand now resting on your hip. “You really need to stop insinuating that I’m a virgin sweetheart. If you were nicer to me, I’d show you that I know how to fuck.” With that he backs up and heads out of the break room.

You let out the breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding. Jesus Christ. You swear you almost came.

And if you were nicer to him? Fuck him. He’s not nice to you either. That’s okay. You have someone who can scratch this itch.

You pull out your phone and send a quick text.

To: Fuckboi

You busy tonight? I could really use a release.

The reply came almost immediately.

From: Fuckboi

Didn’t get enough of my cock this weekend huh? I suppose I could make myself available.

You roll your eyes and quickly reply with your address and what time to be over.

The rest of the day passes by slowly. It takes you half the day to enter Steve’s expense report. God he’s descriptive. At least it’s completed. You can’t really say that much for the other Avengers. They usually half assed them and made them barely acceptable.

You are shutting down for the day when Steve approaches your desk. You remove your glasses and look at him expectantly. “Is there something I can help you with, Steve?”

A blush creeps it’s way across his cheeks. “Um, I was actually just wondering if you had time to go over the new expense report forms? They should be a lot easier to fill out.”

You glance down at the clock on your computer. Ransom is going to be at your place in about 20 minutes.“Can we do it tomorrow? I have company that’ll be showing up at my apartment in like 20 minutes.”

His hopeful smile falls. His face is now unreadable. “Would your company happen to be whoever you spent the weekend with?”

Confused, you grab for your purse after getting your computer shut down. “Actually, yes. Should I have asked your permission first?” You attempt a joke to ease the sudden tension.

He pulls out his phone and starts typing furiously. Wow. You weren’t aware he knew how to text. You hear it ping with a reply before he angrily puts it back in his pocket. “Sure, we can do this tomorrow. Wouldn’t want to get in the way of your whoreing around.”

Your jaw drops in surprise. Sure you guys were always throwing jabs at each other. But he’d never said anything like this before. And in such a mean tone.

You round your desk and stand right in front of him. “Fuck you, Steve.”

You hurry towards the elevators before he can see the tears that have welled up. You couldn’t let him know he had that power over you. Asshole. Thank god Ransom was coming over. Hopefully he could fuck what Steve just said right out of your head.

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

You’ve lost count of how many orgasms Ransom has pulled from you with his mouth when there’s a knock on your door.

Ransom looks up at you from his kneeling position on your living room floor. “Did you invite someone else to join us, pretty girl?”

You scoff and push him away so you can stand up. You pull your dress down as you make your way towards the door. “Yeah. I can barely handle just you. I’m pretty sure if we added someone else, I’d actually die.”

You open the door and gasp in surprise. “Steve? What are you doing here?”

He rubs the back of his neck nervously. “Look, I know you probably already have company but I felt really bad about what I said to you earlier today and wanted to apologize.”

You have so many questions. “How did you know where I lived?”

That sheepish smile makes its appearance again. “I may or may not have looked in your employee file.”

You shake your head. “And you felt the need to come all the way here and apologize? Why not just text me?”

“It would only have felt right to me to do it in person. I really am sor-”

You feel a pair of arms wrap around you from behind. “Well, who do we have here? Why is Captain America at your door?”

You turn your head to address Ransom. “He just came by to apologize to me. I think he was just leaving.”

Steve has a disappointed look on his face. “Yeah, I suppose I was.”

“Awe, what a shame. I thought you were gonna ask him to join us, pretty girl.”

Steve’s eyes grow wide at the thought. You quickly speak up. “No, I don’t think he’d be comfortable with that. He’s a little old fashioned.” You give him a sincere smile. You didn't think that was a bad thing.

Steve looks back towards the elevators and then back to you. He clears his throat. “What if I wanted to join you?” Seeing your wide eyed look, he quickly adds, “Only if Y/N would be comfortable with that of course.”

You contemplate what the consequences could be in your head. But then you get distracted when Ransom starts grinding his hard on against your ass. “Come on, pretty girl. Make a decision.”

The next word comes out of your mouth faster than what your brain can process. “Okay.”

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Now you were standing awkwardly in your bedroom with Steve and Ransom looking at you expectantly.

You’ve never done this before so you’re not sure how this is supposed to go. “So, um. How do we start exactly?”

Ransom smirks and comes up behind you. “I think you should call the shots, pretty girl. If you’re okay with that, Steve?”

With the mention of his name, he walks towards you and places his hands on your hips. “I think that’s a great idea. Can I kiss you now?” He places his hand under your chin and raises your face up to meet his. “I’ve waited a long time for this, sweetheart.” With that, his lips meet yours. It’s explosive. You quickly wrap your hands around his neck and press yourself up against him.

You get so lost in the kiss, you forget that Ransom is there. That is until he presses his lips against your neck and presses himself against your ass. It presses you even further against Steve, making you feel his excitement against your lower belly.

You’re so overwhelmed already and you’d barely started. You may not survive this evening.

As you move your hands down to remove Steve’s shirt, Ransom is unzipping your dress, pressing kisses to every inch of exposed skin.

Without breaking the kiss, Steve moves his hands around to unhook your bra so he can get his hands on your breasts. He pinches your nipples, causing you to moan into his mouth. He moves his lips to your neck, sucking on your pulse point.

After successfully removing your dress, Ransom stands back up and turns your head to connect your lips. He starts rutting his clothed hard on against your naked ass. His left hand reaches around to bat one of Steve’s away so he can squeeze your breast.

Steve takes the hand that had been swatted away and moves it down to your soaking wet core. He starts lightly circling your clit. Just enough pressure to make you mewl.

You reach behind you with your left hand and tug at the waistband of Ransom’s briefs. “Off.” You moan out as you take your right hand and start attempting to take off Steve’s jeans. He smirks into your neck and helps you out. He barely gets them unbuttoned and unzipped before you’re reaching your hand into them and his boxers to grab his cock. It feels big.

Ransom grabs your left hand and places it on his now free cock. You wrap your hand around it and give it a squeeze before you start pumping your hand up and down. You do the same to Steve’s, making the both of them let out grunts against both sides of your neck. Steve increases the pressure on your clit a little. Still not enough.

“Nee-need, you. Please.” You weakly moan out. Ransom moves his mouth up to your ear. “How do you want us, pretty girl?”

You reluctantly pull away from both of them so you can think. You decide to be greedy. You point to Steve. “I want you to lay on the bed, please.”

He does as you ask. Putting his hands behind his head as he awaits further instructions.

You get on the bed and straddle him. You turn around and reach your arm out for Ransom. “Want you behind me.” You lean over and open your bedside drawer to grab the lube and toss it at Ransom. He smirks as he straddles Steve’s legs and gets behind you. He uncaps the lube and starts coating his cock with a generous amount. “Need my cock in that ass, pretty girl?”

You hold up your hand. “Wait.” You lean down towards Steve and give him a quick kiss. “Are you okay with this?”

He nods his head. “As long as you are.” You raise back up and smile at him. You turn your head and look at Ransom. “I’m assuming you're okay with this?”

He just smirks and squeezes some lube out so that it slides down the crack of your ass. “More than okay, pretty girl. Need me to stretch you out first?”

You smirk and pull him in for a quick, filthy kiss. “I think it got plenty stretched out this weekend.”

He matches your smirk. “You little slut. Wanting both of our cocks stuffing you full.”

You whimper as he lands a smack on your ass. Leaning up on your knees, you grab a hold of Steve’s cock and start running his tip up and down your folds. He places his left hand on your right hip and his right hand on your left thigh. “Condom?”

You quickly shake your head and pause your actions. “On the pill. Unless of course you’d be more comfortable with one.”

He shakes his head. “No, just making sure.”

You turn back to Ransom. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready for you.”

He nods and places his hands on your shoulders, waiting somewhat patiently.

You slowly sink down on Steve’s cock. He’s stretching you out so deliciously. It burns in just the right way. Ransom may be longer, but Steve is definitely thicker.

After you get fully seated on him, you take a minute to adjust. It only takes a few seconds. You turn your head towards Ransom. “Okay, I’m ready.”

He removes his right hand from your shoulder and grabs the base of his cock and starts pressing against the tight ring of muscle. He’d been in there a lot over the weekend. But it was still a tight fit regardless. He doesn’t go as slow and sheaths himself to the hilt, causing you to moan out in slight pain and pleasure.

Holy fuck. You feel so full. You think you might die. That is until Ransom removes his cock until just the tip remains and then forcefully thrust back in, causing you to grind on Steve’s dick.

Steve grunts out from the movement and starts thrusting up into you the best he can from his position. Ransom wraps his left arm around you and continues his thrusts, not letting up his pace. You don’t even really have to move, the both of them doing it for you. They somehow find the perfect rhythm. Each of them pulling out and pushing in at the same time. One of your hands is behind you, resting on the back of Ransom’s head while the other is resting on Steve’s chest.

Steve sits up suddenly and pulls you in for a kiss. “Like being stuffed with both of our cocks, pretty girl?” You hear from behind you. “Yes. So good. So full. Gonna cum.”

Ransom removes his arm from around you and reaches down and starts circling your clit. “Do it. Cum all over us. Make a mess.”

Steve can feel you squeezing him. “Please, sweetheart. Need to feel you cum on my cock. You’re gripping me so good.”

You explode. You clamp your eyes shut, seeing stars behind your eyelids. You let the both of them fuck you through it.

Ransom’s hips stutter. The fluttering around his cock is too good. He cums with a shout of your name, filling up your ass to the brim. He gives you a few more thrusts before he pulls out and collapses beside you two.

Steve’s been patient while you come down from your high. He lays back down, pulling you with him so that your chest to chest. He bends his knees and grabs onto your hips. “You ready, sweetheart?” You raise up, both of your hands on each side of his head. You give him a nod.

That’s all he needs. He starts fucking you, hard and fast, chasing his release. He can feel it building. He just needs to feel you come undone around him again. He moves one of his hands and starts circling your clit with his thumb. “Need you to cum for me again, Y/N.”

You shake your head. “Can’t. Too much.”

Ransom sits up beside you. “I know what she needs.” He reaches over with his left hand and wraps it around your throat, squeezing gently.

It makes you clench down on Steve’s cock. “Yeah? That all you needed, sweetheart? A hand wrapped around your pretty throat? I know you like it. Can feel you squeezing me.” He picks up his pace. The only sounds that can be heard are his grunts, your breathy monas, and skin slapping against skin.

It doesn’t take long for your orgasm to hit you. This one is somehow even more intense than the last.

You must’ve blacked out for a few seconds because the next thing you know, you’re waking up in between Steve and Ransom.

Steve smiles down at you. “There she is. We lost you for a second, sweetheart.”

You feel drunk. You smile goofily up at him. “Did you cum?”

Just as you ask that, you can feel his release seeping out of your overused cunt. Then you feel cum leaking out of your ass. You hide your face behind your hands in embarrassment. “I can’t believe we just did that.”

Ransom removes one hand while Steve removes the other. “Nuh uh uh. No hiding allowed, pretty girl. I have no regrets.” He looks at Steve. “Do you?”

Steve smiles down at you and leans down to press a soft kiss against your lips. “None from me. You tired, sweetheart?”

You let out a big yawn and nod your head, slowly closing your eyes. “Get some rest, pretty girl.” That’s the last thing you hear before sleep takes you.

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

You wake up sometime in the early morning, stretching out your sore limbs. You know you have a dumb smile on your face. But you can’t help but notice your empty bed.

You sit up and hiss at the deliciously sore feeling between your legs. You grab your robe and slip it on. You can smell coffee coming from the kitchen. You giddily make your way out of the room and down the hallway. They both barely just come into view, still unaware you’re there, when you hear Steve speak.

“I thought you were going to be an asshole to her? Make her see I’m not that bad.”

You hear Ransom next. “I was an asshole to her. I’m sorry I dicked her down so good that she wanted more.”

Steve scoffs. “I never gave you the okay to fuck her!”

“You also didn’t tell me it was off limits. Look you got what you wanted right?”

“No, actually I didn’t. I didn’t pay you so we could have a threesome together.”

What the fuck? Steve paid Ransom to help him get in your pants?

“Ok, how about this? I’ll give you all of your money back if I can fuck her one more time before I go? Then we’ll be squared away.”

Steve seems to be conflicted. “Fine! But this is the last time Ransom. I have to get to work anyway. After this, she’s mine. And make sure she’s not late for work herself.”

Before you have time to react, Steve rounds the corner and sees you standing there. He has a deer caught in headlights look. Ransom comes up beside him and sees you. “Oh, honey, you weren’t supposed to see that.”

You slowly start backing up towards your bedroom. Steve moves towards you, stopping once you put your hands up. “Stay away from me! Both of you! I want nothing to do with either of you!”

Ransom moves past Steve and grabs onto your arms. “Oh, please. You’d fuck us again if we wanted. Wouldn’t you?”

You spit in his face. “Fuck you, Hugh.”

He gets a sinister look on his face. “Wrong move, pretty girl.” He looks toward Steve. “Don’t worry, I’ll fuck the brat out of her. You better tell her boss she won’t be in today.”

Your eyes go wide at his words. You start thrashing against him, trying your best to get away. Steve has had enough. He comes over and yanks you away from him and presses you against the wall. “You better calm down, sweetheart. I’ll treat you like a princess if you can be my good girl. Can you do that?”

You shake your head. “Why would you think I’d want anything to do with you after finding out you paid someone to help get into my pants?”

He gives you an evil smirk. “Because if you don’t, I’ll just have to release the tape of last night on the internet. Let everyone see how much of a slut you actually are.”

You narrow your eyes at him. “You’re bluffing.”

He smirks and turns his head towards Ransom. “Show her.”

Ransom gets his phone out of his pocket and swipes at the screen for a second before turning it in your direction.

Holy shit. They weren’t bluffing. There you were, getting fucked by the both of them. That would ruin you if it got out. Not only would you get fired, but your parents would probably disown you. You’d never have a normal relationship again. You’re fucked. Even more than you were last night. How had you not noticed they were recording it?

Ransom must have read your mind. “I set my phone up while you were busy with Steve’s fingers on your cunt and his tongue down your throat. I think you need to ask her again Steve.”

Steve grabs your chin and moves your gaze onto his face. “I’ll ask you again. Are you going to be my good girl? Let Ransom fuck you one more time and then it’ll just be me and you?”

You drop your gaze to the floor. You feel a tear run down your cheek as you whisper out, “I’ll be your good girl.”

Taglist: @stargazingfangirl18 @drabblewithfrannybarnes @harrysthiccthighss @lllols @patzammit @quxxnxfhxll

Steve Taglist: @donutloverxo

#captain america #dark!steve rogers/reader #dark!steve rogers smut #model!ransom drysdale #ransom drysdale smut #siris5ksoftdarkchallenge #this sweater wearing menace #shield throwing daddy #steve rogers smut #steve rogers #chris evans #chris evans smut #steve rogers x reader

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spectrumspace · 2 years

Text

If you thought Neopets NFTs were bad, check this out.

Since 2019, WildWorks (WW; they made Animal Jam) had been working on a fantasy MMO targeting older players called Fer.al (which I will refer to as just Feral for simplicity’s sake).

In 2020, Feral entered open beta (meaning it was made available as a playable demo) and was met with positivity for the most part, though gradually, development slowed as 2021 drew to a close, and players were getting ansty. The game is still in open beta right now in 2022, despite having monetization implemented.

In late November 2021, WildWorks announced Cinder, a “metaverse” where people could buy access through the sale of NFTs.

Understandably, the community of people raised on a game that told them to save the environment did not handle this well.

In an attempt to save some of their image, the CEO (Clark Stacey) hosted a Discord AMA during which he and an assistant assured that Cinder relied on Solana, allegedly less of a polluter than most other blockchain platforms. Allegedly.

They also argued that even if Solana was bad, you using Discord right now is just as bad (maybe even worse! you’re such hypocrites, kids). And even if it isn’t, well, you aren’t our target demographic anyway so just ignore it lol

What made it even worse was that all the content for Cinder was being recycled from Feral. Cinder’s procedurally-generated avatars are Fae, the newest avatar species to be added to Feral. In addition, the locations from Feral are the exact same ones as in Cinder. (CW: cartoon blood) A promo on Instagram shows off “Blood Tundra”, a location that exists in Feral.

(CW: cartoon blood again) However, you’ll notice that the actual post on Instagram has been edited ever since the Feral Discord (FD) pointed it out, though the image is very clearly still the same place.

Even though FD has been abandoned since the announcement of Cinder, there are several cases of things being changed/deleted on Cinder’s end as soon as they are mentioned and criticized on FD, implying that someone at WW is consistently lurking on FD and changing things to avoid criticism, but won’t actually address them in an announcement or something.

In fact, there have been no new announcements since December 2, 2021, not even when the game bugged out and automatically made available content some players paid for with IRL money before realizing it unplayable.

So FD is just festering with vengeful older teens spamming corn emojis, dissing on Cinder, and asking for other game recommendations. No action is being taken against these people.

The poor volunteer not-employed-by-WW mods are just as lost and confused as the users. They didn’t know this would happen and were left to fend for themselves with no guidance from the company they’d trusted, though all of them seem to be sympathetic with the Feral users overall. Some have resigned in protest of Cinder.

AMAs on the Cinder Discord (CD) were originally in text format, though they have since moved to audio livestreams. People using the Feral Discord assume this was done to make recording their answers and sharing them on FD/holding WW accountable more of a hassle.

A user named “CinderSpire” was presented as just some random WW employee on the Cinder Discord using an account separate from known admins like Stacey, but apparently after moving all their AMAs to livestreams, it became very apparent that CinderSpire has the exact same voice as Stacey. In fact, in a live AMA, he seemingly slips up and refers to himself as the CEO (“No, I’m-- Clark Stacey has been. . .”). (So this guy has a sockpuppet. There is no good reason to have a sockpuppet.)

Cinder has been spammed about on Reddit and its Twitter floats at about 5k followers, give or take, most of which appear to be bots (especially in the replies). As you can see, it isn’t getting much traction or engagement on any social media.

Those who join CD say engagement is low there, too, and the community is toxic/full of red flags (Pepe memes, jokes about people’s dead parents), and they refer to the teenagers playing Feral and getting mad as immature children, which doesn’t address their concerns. . . Anyone who brings up Feral or asks too many questions/criticizes the project is often banned. Mods are open in saying that all ban appeals are rejected.

WW apparently made an announcement on CD asking people to drop their wallet addresses for a giveaway, and people began posting exactly that out in the open until they set up a Google Form in a later post/edit. Which, in case you didn’t know, is extremely unsafe. Anyone can put anything they want in your wallet with or without your approval as long as they know your address, and this includes crypto with a smart contract (bit of code that can do things) that’s been written to run a malicious script if you interact with it, potentially stealing everything in your wallet.

Now is a good time to remember WW had a massive data breach a couple years back.

Someone sent Clark Stacey a picture of corn and got blocked, so now everyone sends him corn. Sending corn memes gets you banned from the Cinder Discord. 🌽

Today (2/16/22), the first NFTs are being minted. People who actually bought Fae are complaining that the graphics suck and there’s nothing to do, and are already demanding rarity charts/etc. so they can flip their tokens to an even bigger loser for more money. . . but they can’t just yet, because they haven’t sold out, which tells you a lot about the community and the way a project like this is run.

Instead of posting an update to the Feral Discord, or literally saying anything to address the existence of their community, the owners just bumped slow mode up from two minutes to ten, just before the mint, and now the server is a riot because clearly these idiots are lurking around and just really, really hope everyone playing Feral shuts up.

TL;DR: The guys who made Animal Jam tried to make an NFT game but they’re running it exactly like a scam.

#spectrum speaks #long post

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maddiwrites · 3 years

Text

Precious Life

Pairing: JJ x reader

REQUEST (From anon): could you write a jj maybank imagine where he and the reader are together, but she pushes him away due to her mental health. she has insecurity issues after her last boyfriend and her bestfriend passed a few months ago leaving her horribly depressed. finally, she opens up to him and its just super fluffy and he showers her in love and support.

Note: Thank you so much for the request and I’m so sorry it took me a while to write, but hopefully you like it. I kinda suck at fluff, so I’m sorry if it’s not enough fluff. Let me know what you think!

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: mentions of death of a friend, mental trauma from a past relationship, depression

You don’t know when it happened - whether it was overnight or throughout the past few weeks. Unlike everyone else who was excited about the summer finally beginning after what felt like the longest school year of your life, your days felt darker as you dreaded the upcoming season. You use to love summer - hell, you thrived during the hottest months of the year. You loved outdoor dining, surfing, beach parties, going out on the boat in the marsh with your friends. But now the thought of doing those activities made you want to vomit.

After your best friend passed away only a few months ago, you lost interest in all those activities. Because they all reminded you of her. She was the one who brought you out of you shell and pulled you out of your dark place when the world felt too unbearable to live in anymore. And now she was gone. Just like that. Life is so precious, you remember people telling you that at her funeral. They weren’t wrong. But you never thought your life could compare to the one of your beautifully made best friend.

Her birthday is next month in the early weeks of July. Her mother wants to hold a small party as if she was still there to celebrate. Of course she wants you there, but you don’t know if you’d be able to handle it. A birthday party for a dead girl? What an obvious reminder that she’s not there. It’s going to be the first birthday you spend without her. The tradition of getting smoothie bowls and going to the local zoo and finishing the night off with a bonfire and beer cans you stole out of your parents fridge is completely destroyed. Gone just like she is.

The only person making your miserable life a little more bearable is your wonderful boyfriend, JJ Maybank. Despite only being together for about two months, he became your closest friend. Your best friend would have loved him and would even be impressed that you went for such a bad boy. Your type usually consisted of stuck up boys with egos bigger than their daddy’s bank account. Sometimes you picture a life where your best friend and JJ knew each other. They’d probably be best of friends. Your friend would be weary of him at first, but JJ would work his usual charm and win her over in seconds. It’s what he did with you.

You met him after getting really close with Kiara when her dad hired you as another waitress at the Wreck. You remembered the day he first walked into the restaurant with his friends. You felt his eyes on you the entire time. Feeling bold, you walked over to his table and asked to borrow his phone. You opened his snap chat app and took a selfie with the two of you and said, “Here’s a picture if you want it to last longer.” And that was how the love story of JJ Maybank and Y/N Y/L/N started. JJ still has the picture saved as his Lock Screen. It makes you smile every time you see it.

Your life with JJ was nearly perfect. What started as a flirty banter became something serious. Kie knew JJ was in deep because he never complained about how slow you wanted to take the relationship. Aka sex. Usually JJ is the kind of guy who will go get what he wants. And if that’s a quick lay, that’s what he’ll go searching for. Someone that won’t make him work too hard for it. But with you? It was different. Sure he wanted to explore that part of the relationship with you, but only when you were ready. It was hard for him some days, especially when you wore his hoodies or kissed him so deeply that he swore his skin was on fire.

Although JJ has been nothing but a respectful KING about your decision to wait, you can’t help but feel guilty about keeping him waiting. It’s not that you didn’t want to - because god did you want to. But it was hard for you to give someone all of you like that. Part of you blames that on your own insecurities and the other part knows it’s trauma due to your past relationship. You never told anyone the kind of vile and disgusting things your ex boyfriend would say to your face. Well, you confessed to your best friend on the night he broke up with you. You physically had to hold her back by her hair to keep her from setting his house on fire. She tried to make you see that everything he said about you was wrong. Dumb, fat, whore, useless, poor, ugly. You wanted to believe her, but it was like your ex had physically tattooed the words onto your skin and it was hard to see anything else. When things were getting heated between you and JJ and you felt his hand dip under the thin material of your t shirt, you would pull away, afraid that he would feel the rolls on your stomach. You never let him see you without makeup on. And even wore baggy clothing so you wouldn’t have to worry about showing too much skin. You didn’t want him getting the wrong impression.

JJ tried asking Kie about it. JJ is smarter than people give him credit for. He had a feeling that your choosing to not have sex ran deeper than just not being ready. Which is totally fine but he wanted to be there for you if you needed help. Of course Kie had no idea. But just like JJ, she noticed you pulling away from the group slowly. She thought maybe it was the stress of finals as the end of the school year wrapped up, but then summer came around and the less you did.

“She’s been off, right?” JJ asks Kie. His legs bounces up and down anxiously and he chews on the nub of his thumb nail. “Do you notice it too?”

Kie doesn’t know how to answer. Of course she wants to be honest with her best friend, but she also doesn’t want to hurt him. “I mean, she’s been kind of distant with us. Maybe she’s been busy. I mean she’s gotten a few of her shifts covered in the last two weeks.”

JJ shakes his head. “I don’t know. I can’t shake off this feeling that it’s something more than that. Something I’m missing. I mean...” he sighs and takes his fingers through his hair. “Do you think it’s me? Did I do something? Maybe she feels pressured by this whole sex thing-“

“No. Of course not.” Kie says. She knows JJ would never make you do anything you don’t want to do, and he would never make you feel guilty about it. “You should talk to her about it next time you see her. I mean, I could bring it up too but I think it would be best coming from you.”

JJ nods and accepts this answer from Kie. It doesn’t make him feel any less anxious about the state of your relationship but at least he’s not crazy for thinking you’re pulling away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He doesn’t see you for another week. You claimed that you’ve been busy with work and college prep. JJ didn’t buy it but he also didn’t push it. He saw you when you showed up at his window at the Chateau.

You’d come after having one of your episodes - one where you can’t sleep or eat or even focus on one thought. You don’t know why you came to the Chateau. You knew JJ would be here but you didn’t think he’d be able to help you. No one ever can.

“Hey,” JJ flicks on the lamp from the bedside table as he watches your figure squeeze through the window. “What are you doing here?”

You shrug. “I - uh. I don’t know, exactly. Just wanted to see you, I guess.”

JJ tilts his head and narrows his eyes at you. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” You lie.

JJ nods, but he doesn’t believe you. “Then come here.” He opens up his arms for you to fall into. When you do, he pulls you in close with your head laying on his bare chest. You focus on his steady heartbeat and his warm arms around your body. You miss this. Being with JJ whole heartedly - mind and body. Recently it’s only been your body - your mind off somewhere else.

“Did I wake you?” You ask softy.

JJ kisses the top of your head. “No.”

When you close your eyes, you picture your friend again. Her smile and laugh. Things that should have made you happy. But they don’t. Not anymore.

You don’t remember when or how it happened - how you ended up being below a hovering JJ as his lips peppered your skin. You remember starting the heavy make out session, hoping to distract yourself from the depressing thoughts of your dead best friend.

However, the deeper you got into it, the deeper you got in your own thoughts. First about your friend and then about your ex. What he would say if he were the one above you - “I thought you were going to the gym?” “You didn’t shave?” “You could use some sun.” - His voice rang in your head like a screeching record and you couldn’t do it anymore.

“Stop,” you mumble softly enough that JJ doesn’t hear it until you physically push him off of you and say more loudly. “J, stop!”

As his back hits the mattress again, he holds his hands up in surrender. He didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong and his heart races with the thought that maybe he hurt you or had gone too far.

You quickly pick up your tossed shirt and bag while avoiding all kinds of eye contact with him. You felt embarrassed. It’s not his fault that you can physically feel every skin roll on your body or think you can smell every bad odor radiating off your skin. JJ has never been anything but a prince to you since you started dating. You felt bad that you couldn’t give him what he wanted. Sex should be a normal part of your relationship yet you couldn’t seem to give him your all just yet.

“I’m sorry. Did I-“ JJ starts to apologize but you cut him off.

“No. I’m sorry. I should go. I should have never come -“

“Hey,” JJ sits up and tries to reach for you, but you yank your hand closer to your body when his fingers graze your skin. JJ frowns. “You don’t have to go. We can just go to sleep. Or I can sleep on the couch.”

You pause at the bedroom door with your back to him. You squeeze your eyes tight to stop the tears from cascading down your cheeks. You hate this. Feeling like another burden to someone else. Not being able to give the one you love everything they want. It’s not fair. It feels like everyday your days just keeping getting darker and darker as if the sun never rises. And you don’t know how long you’ll be able to take it.

“Y/N...” JJ softly calls out for you. He can see the tension in your shoulders and your knuckles turning white as you clench around the door knob. He knows something isn’t right. That there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to what you’re going through. He’d never force you to tell him anything. But he wants you to feel comfortable enough that you know you have the option to talk if you wanted to.

“I’m sorry, J...” your voice cracks which makes JJ’s heart break a little more. Still with your back to him, you shake your head. “I can’t be what you want me to be.”

“Y/N -“

You finally turn to look at him. “You deserve someone who will give you everything you want. Someone who makes you happy - someone who is happy.” You sniffle back the tears. “I’m sorry. That’s just not me.”

Tears prick at JJ’s eyes. He wishes he can say he is surprised, but he honestly saw this coming. You’ve been distant and hard to read. He thought you were falling out of love with him for weeks. But that doesn’t make this any less hard to hear.

“Don’t do this,” JJ shakes his head. “We can work this out -“

“I can’t do it anymore,” you shake your head as one lone tear falls down your cheek. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

You rip the door open and stumble through John B’s house before JJ could say anything else. You throat feels on fire as you bite back a heart wrenching scream from what you’ve just done. You probably ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to you. No surprise there, you think. Nothing in your life seems to ever go as planned.

You run home until your legs feel like they’re literally on fire. By the time your back hits the mattress of your own bed, your muscles feel like jello, and you wonder if you’ll ever be able to walk again.

You cry into your pillow until the world around you fades to darkness.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Its been about two weeks since you last saw JJ and the Pogues. You didn’t think it was possible, but without them, your life somehow felt even emptier. Days feel like years. Your body feels so heavy, it’s hard to get out of bed most days. You can’t remember the last time you showered. Your skin on your face feels dry from all tears that have been shed. Some days you want to pick up the phone and call JJ or Kie, just to hear their voice. But you don’t. Because you don’t want to feel like a burden to either one of them. You broke up with JJ. You’re not their problem anymore.

With your head tucked deep into your pillow, you feel the corner of your bed dip as if someone had just sat down. You figured it was just your mom checking in on you again for the hundredth time. She doesn’t say anything and you don’t acknowledge her either.

Your phone beeps with another text message from JJ. You peek your eye open at your phone and slowly reach for it. You hesitate opening the message, afraid that whatever he has to say will only break your heart and make you feel like an even worse human being.

“You’re seriously not going to answer that?” The person sitting on your bed says, making you snap around to face the girl who is for sure not your mother, but your best friend. The same best friend who’s buried in a cemetery fifteen minutes away from your house.

She looks exactly how you remember her. Long beautiful hair that frames her perfect jawline. Tan almost glistening skin that radiates off the sunlight that shines through your window. Eyes sparkling with life and mischief.

You look at her with wide eyes and an open mouth. You were truly at a loss for words. Confused was an understatement. It didn’t make sense.

She laughs at your reaction and shakes her head. “Do you need a minute?”

“I don’t - how - am I - am I dreaming?” You stutter.

“No I’m just the prettiest zombie you’ve ever seen,” She says sarcastically and holds her grin. You blink at her. “Yes, you’re dreaming. Well, kinda.” She stands up and faces you. “You’re definitely dreaming but I’m in control of visiting you in your sleep. Kinda cool, right? It’s a ghost trick I recently learned.”

“I’m officially going crazy,” You say.

“You’re right. You are going crazy,” Your friend rounds to the other side of the bed to come face to face with you as you sit up and rub your eyes. “But not because you’re seeing me. Because you’re not seeing JJ.”

You drop your hands at your side and glare at her. “You don’t even know him.”

“I know of him,” She says. “He’s a Pogue. A hot one too. And he’s head over heels in love with you. What else do I need to know?”

You shake your head. “It’s complicated.”

“Why? He loves you and you love him.”

You flip your comforter off you body and walk past the girl who loves sticking her nose in other people’s business. You always told her it would get her in trouble one day. But you secretly loved that she was so nosy. Because she cared and always gave the best advice.

You walk towards your dresser and stare at yourself in the mirror above it. The bags under your eyes are dark and your skin pale. Your hair is greasy from your lack of washing it and you’re starting to realize you’re beginning to smell.

Your friend sighs and sits back on your bed. “He’s in your head,” She says glumly.

You scoff, “I think if anyone’s in my head, it’s you.”

She glares back at you. “You know what I mean. Y/Ex’s/N. He’s still tormenting you after almost a year of not seeing him.”

You shake your head. “No I’m -”

“Come on, Y/N. You can’t lie to me. You’re still hiding your laugh behind your hand because he called it obnoxious. You hide yourself under baggy clothing and you won’t have sex with JJ because Y/Ex’s/N said you were bad at it -”

“Stop.”

“Clearly you weren’t bad at it since he got to come every single time. If anyone was bad at it, it was him.”

“Y/BFF’s/N.”

“What? It’s true,” She shrugs. That’s what you always loved about her. She was unapologetic. She meant what she said every time no matter what. You wished you had her confidence. She sighs and moves over on the bed so she’s closer to you. “Y/N, you deserve to be happy,” she says more softly. “And JJ makes you happy. Why are you pushing him away? Why can’t you let yourself be happy?”

“Because you’re not here!” You finally kick down the wall that’s been building in your head since your friend’s death. You never talked about her with anyone. Not even with her own family. She was your person - the girl who was going to stand by your side at your wedding, be the god mother to your children, your shoulder to cry on, and your therapist when you needed to rant. And now she’s not here and it feels wrong living the life you were supposed to live together. “How can I be happy when you’re not here?”

“Y/N...”

“No,” You cry. “It’s not fair. You’re supposed to be here. I can’t pretend like everything’s normal when it’s not. This was supposed to be the best summer of our lives and then you just left.” You snap your fingers. “Just like that. Out of nowhere. And if that can happen to you then it can happen to -”

You cut yourself off, afraid to say what you really were thinking. You didn’t want to put that kind of energy into the atmosphere because the thought haunted you every night when you were alone with your thoughts. You never thought you could lose someone like you lost your best friend. You didn’t think that would ever happen to you. But it did. And it put life in perspective for you. You don’t think you’d be able to live through another loss like that so falling for JJ was scary to you. Because if something ever happened to him, you wouldn’t know what to do.

“Hey,” She stands up to embrace you in a hug. You sob into her shoulder and squeeze her tightly against you. You don’t want to let her go. She feels so real. You’re actually touching her. “Look at me.” She eventually pulls away to look at you. She offers a sad grin and pushes your hair out of your eyes. “I’m sorry I died. But you get to live! You know how jealous I am that you have the ability to eat smoothie bowls every day and go surfing and date cute boys and go on road trips with your friends and family? You don’t even know how good you have it. And on top of that, you have the hottest guy on the island fawning over you and you’re too sad about me to even realize it. I don’t want you to live this way -” she motions to your messy room. “I want you to take advantage of the life you have. If I can’t live it, then you have to live it for me.”

“I don’t want to do it without you,” You cry.

She shakes her head. “You’ll never be without me, chick. I’m always going to be with you. Besides, I like JJ. You’d be stupid to let him go.”

You bite your bottom lip and feel a rush of heat climb up your neck to your cheeks. “He is really good to me.” You knew your friend was right. She was always right. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” She says. You both turn when you hear someone knock on your door. She looks back at you and smirks. “That’s my cue.”

“Wait -”

“Don’t worry, chick. Remember what I said. I’m not far away.”

You gasp awake wrapped in your sheets with dried drool stuck to your chin. You sit up and look around frantically for any sign of your best friend. But she’s gone. So is any sign that she might have been here. You rub the dried saliva off your chin with your fingers and sigh up at the ceiling. It felt so real.

Your mom lets herself into your room and smiles at you. “Oh, good. You’re awake.”

“Yeah...” You say slowly. You think back to everything your best friend said to you in your dream. How lucky you are to live a life that she can’t. For the first time ever, she was jealous of you. For a life you’re taking for granted. Although it was hard to be happy without her by your side, you knew she didn’t want you sulking around for her. Some days are going to be hard. That’s just the inevitable. But you have the ability to make it easier. It all starts with you. “I think I’m going to take a shower.”

“Really?” Your mom says, surprised by the effort you’re making so early in the morning.

“Yeah,” You grin and walk past her to get to your bathroom. Today is going to be a new day, you say to yourself as you let the warm water rain over you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two days later was your best friend’s birthday. A day you’ve been dreading for weeks. Your heart felt heavy and your mind clouded as you moved around your room getting ready for the day. As much as you wanted to stay in bed, you knew it wouldn’t be what she wanted. You haven’t spoken to her since that night, but you knew she was quietly watching over you.

You throw on a pair of sports shorts and a long sleeve t shirt. The day is cold and foggy so you knew the cemetery would be cold. Your parents offer you a small smile as you walk out the door with a bouquet of flowers and a blanket.

You slowly come to a stop as you’re walking to your car parked on the street in front of your house when you recognize a familiar truck parked behind it. JJ steps out of the driver’s seat and approaches you with his hands tucked in his short pockets. He smiles sheepishly at you and glances down at the flowers.

“Hey,” He says.

“Hey,” You shuffle awkwardly on your feet. Why did he have to look so good? He’s dressed in a Coors Light tank and cargo shorts. His golden hair is perfectly quaffed and his skin perfectly sun kissed. “How are you?”

“Good, good,” He nods. He hates that your relationship has resulted to this. Awkward small talk. “I’m sorry. Am I catching you at a bad time?” He motions to the flowers.

“Um,” You glance between the flowers and him and shrug. “No. I was actually just going to see a friend. Would you like to come?” You remember all the things your friend had to say about JJ. How he loves you, you love him, and he makes you happy. You messed up by breaking up with him, but maybe you can make it right by explaining everything to him.

“Oh,” JJ looks surprised that you’re offering time to hang out. He was afraid you were going to push him away and shut your front door in his face. He didn’t know what was going to happen. He just wanted to see you. “Yeah. Definitely.”

You smile. “Great. But we have to stop for smoothie bowls on the way.”

JJ laughs. “No problem.”

Surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward being alone with JJ after all this time. The two of you spent the car ride talking about the other Pogues and what they’ve been up to in the past couple of weeks. It was bittersweet talking about them because of how much you missed them, but you hoped that they would accept you back into their friend group after you explained to JJ why you’ve been so distant.

“Uh, Y/N.” JJ says when he parks the car.

“Yeah?”

“This is a cemetery.”

You can’t help but giggle at his apprehension. “I know. Come on.”

JJ carries the flowers and you carry the brown paper bag that holds your three smoothie bowls and a blanket. You lead him through the wet grass, past dozens of tomb stones until you find where your best friend peacefully lays.

JJ stays silent as he looks between you and the tombstone. The years etched onto the tombstone indicate that someone your age is buried here. He quickly puts the puzzle pieces together and tries to read your facial expression. Your sadly grinning at the tomb stone when you feel JJ’s eyes on the side of your face.

You lay the blanket down and offer half of it for him to sit next to you. He does but stays quiet, waiting for you to explain whenever you’re ready.

“This is Y/BFF’s/N,” You introduce her. “She was my best friend.” JJ nods and lets you continue as you stare at the tombstone. “She died a few weeks before we met.” You pull out the smoothie bowls and pass one to JJ and place the other one in front of the flowers placed by the grave. “Today’s her birthday and we had this tradition that we would get smoothie bowls every morning of our birthday.” You pop open the lid of your bowl and push around the berries laying on top with your spoon. “I know I owe you an explanation.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to...”

“Trust me,” You smile at him, “I do. She would kill me if I didn’t.”

You told JJ about the mental toll her death had on your life. Even with JJ by your side, you felt her missing presence heavily all day every day. It wasn’t that you weren’t happy in your relationship with JJ, it was just that something was missing and it was something you couldn’t bring back to your life. Because of her loss, you fell back into a depression you once experienced towards the end of your last relationship. You told JJ about the mental anguish your ex left you with and why you don’t feel comfortable opening yourself up to him, both physically and mentally. You promised it wasn’t because of JJ but because of your ex and the things he said to you. With your friend’s birthday coming up, everything was weighing you down mentally and you didn’t want to hinder JJ’s life any longer. You told him you thought breaking up with him was best for him so he didn’t have to deal with your problems and he can find a girl that makes him happy. You regret ever walking away from him that night. Your friend was your person, but now so is JJ. You want him to know everything about you. Good and bad. He deserves to know the truth.

“She would’ve liked you,” You brush your fallen tears away with the back of your hand. “You guys are alike in a lot of ways.”

“Yeah?” JJ smiles at you. “How?”

“She made me laugh and always pushed me past my comfort zone. She challenged me to do more with my life. And she never gave up on me,” You grin up at him. “I’m sorry for pushing you away.”

“You don’t have to be,” JJ says. “I get it. No one deserve to lose a friend like this. I don’t know what I would do if this happened to John B or Pope or even Kie.”

“I still love you, J. And I want to give you every part of me. I just...need some help opening up.”

JJ sets down his smoothie bowl and turns to face you. His hand caresses the side of your face and pushes your hair back behind your ear. “Hey....we can take it as slow as you want. I’m not going anywhere.”

You smile at him. “So, you wanna try this again?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

JJ leans in to kiss you on your lips. Butterflies erupt from your stomach and fireworks shoot across every nerve in your body. When you eventually pull away, you’re smiling because even when your best friend isn’t here to physically push you, she has her own way of getting into your head and making sure you don’t take the life you have in front of you for granted. And you couldn’t be more grateful for that.

Unbeknownst to you, your friend watches from a far with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face. Slightly shaking her head, she says to you, “You’re gonna be just fine, chick.”

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thedamageofherdays · 3 years

Text

This week's reading log is here and there is a lot. Stucky Week provided me with lots of incredible fics to read and it was honestly a delight! There are a couple of things I didn't get around to reading just yet but I'm hoping I can get to them very soon <3 Make sure to check out the @stucky-week tumblr to see some incredible non-fic creations too.

Favourites are marked with a 🌻

🌻 Move Before We Lose It by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 59k words, Mature]

“The two of you are ridiculous.” Okoye grabs a bag of M&Ms and starts picking out all the greens. “If I knew that hiring you would turn Steve into an unbearable goof, I would’ve voted for the guy who claimed he came up with Got Milk?”

“I thought that asshole hit on Wanda as soon as he came out of his interview.” Bucky makes an unpleasant face.

Okoye raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, so imagine how obnoxious the Steve and Bucky show’s been for the last five years.”

With the help of his brother T’Challa, Bucky Barnes lands a job at Danvers Advertising right out of college. He never would have seen the family and life he’d build with his team coming, or the lifelong friendship with one Steve Rogers.

Couch is Synonymous with Matchmaker by oh_i_swear @oh-i-swear-writes [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain American is living a good, if lonely, life.

However, a new tenant with an awful couch moves into the Brooklyn Brownstone that houses Steve's apartment and kind of turns everything upside down - but in the best possible way.

A shrunkyclunks meet-ugly-turned-meet-cute in which the awful couch accidentally becomes a matchmaker (of sorts, anyway).

How to Make a Million Dollars by Getting Fired by isolatedwriter [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Bucky never liked SHIELD, but he didn't think he'd ever been on the run from them. However, clearly his past self didn't account for finding Steve Rogers being strapped to a bed against his will. Something like that seems to turn your whole life around.

In which Bucky frees Steve from SHIELD and they end up on the run together.

The Importance of Being Stevie by alexcat @alexcat45 [Stucky, 711 words, Teen]

Steve heads to Wakanda and meets Bucky's other sweetheart - his goat.

The Artbook by luna_rainbow @luna-rainbow [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Steve notices Bucky doesn't like using the new arm, so he brings something with him on his next visit to Wakanda to explain why it was okay.

🌻 Running Out Of Time by The_Glacian @steve-x-bucky [Stucky, 1k words, General]

When Bucky returned home from work, they popped open a bottle of cheap red wine that burned all the way down when Steve took a cautious sip.

to hoping by christywantspizza @christywantspizza [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]

"If I can still be useful here, maybe I can find a purpose."

"More than a purpose, Steve. You can find a life."

If I could tell you I was yours by christywantspizza [Stucky, 2k words, General]

Steve meets a scared Bucky in the streets of Brooklyn one day and helps him find his way home.

🌻 The Weight of Gold by dreamsinthewitchouse @dreamsinthewitchouse [Stucky, 860 words, General]

”Your arm,” Steve says, his voice still weak from the cold. ”What happened to it?”

OR:

Steve is trapped under ice in the Arctic Ocean. Merman!Bucky finds and saves him.

The Sweet Escape by The_Glacian [Stucky, 823 words, General]

In a few strides, Steve covered the distance between them and wrapped him in his arms.

I Can See That This Love Was Meant For Me by HNJ [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]

“What’s this?” Nat says. She hands him a page and Steve touches it with careful hands. The paper is faded and brittle, but the drawing it carries is still the same.

As he stares at the image, lost years curl around his heart. They tangle around him like vines until they’re all he can feel. He puts the paper down.

“Just a portrait.” He says.

It's A Beautiful Arm by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 100 words, General]

Steve reunites with Bucky in Wakanda.

Cradled in Love by The_Glacian [Stucky, 879 words, General]

It was no secret that Steve was a delicate creature.

Wrap Your Hands Around Me (Show Me I Belong) by whenwordsmakesense @whenwordsmakesense [Stucky, 963 words, Teen]

Post Mission, Bucky can't sleep, and Steve's super-hearing picks up on it. Cue late-night cuddles and some of Steve's inner-thoughts.

🌻 En Pointe by Oh_i_swear [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Bucky Barnes is an ex-professional ballet dancer now running his own dance school. He's kind, compassionate and clearly cares about the kids in his class and their dreams and goals - most of which involve getting to the stage where they can dance en pointe.

Steve Rogers is a perfectionist and owns En Pointe, the dance wear store nearest to Bucky's dance studio. It's almost light a right of passage when the kids in Bucky's class get to visit the store, not only because they finally get their pointe shoes, but because they get to see the infamous squabbling between Mr Barnes and Mr Rogers who clearly rub each other up the wrong way.... but is everything as it seems?

Listen Close by fandomfluffandfuck @fandomfluffandfuck [Stucky, 9k words, Explicit]

The Barnes And Noble podcast is run by two best friends - life long friends - Steve and Bucky. They talk about a multitude of topics but when the topic at hand turns to the quite often laughable quality, or lack thereof, of the pornography industry and things like fake moans come up... with examples (at least, examples on Bucky's part) it's pretty damn hard (pun not intended) for Steve not take, uh, interest with that sound. Or with other sounds Bucky may or may not make.

...and, well, that conversation isn't one they're ever going to publish as it turns out.

The Office Romance by isolatedwriter [Stucky, 4k words, Teen]

It had become a joke around the office, the fact that Barnes and Rogers acted like an old married couple.

In which Steve and Bucky are already dating, but their co-workers haven't exactly caught on yet.

🌻 Pyxis by The_Glacian [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

Pyxis, ‘the compass’ – a constellation in the southern hemisphere.

(Being single didn’t directly translate to having a prime deficiency. Yet a break-in was what Bucky needed to realise that his life could use a little variety.)

Moonlight Kissed by The_Glacian [Stucky, 782 words, General]

The problem was, Steve had very little experience in the physical aspects of dating.

A Wish Upon the Fireworks by jesm @jesmme [Stucky, 676 words, Teen]

Steve & Bucky watch the 4th of July fireworks and Steve gets a birthday wish

🌻 Lips That Touch Liquor by millesable @marvelousescapism [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

“I can’t lose you, Buck… you’re the only… you’re all I got in this whole world, Buck, I can’t…”

“Lose me? Where you think I’m goin’, huh, pal? I’m right here.”

“You’re gonna leave me. When you find out.”

“Find out what, Stevie?”

🌻 A Good Cause by apkidd @deletexforever [Stucky, 8k words, General]

When Steve reluctantly covers the charity kissing booth, he catches the eye of a handsome stranger with a wallet full of cash.

Dreaming Wide Awake by The_Glacian [Stucky, 928 words, General]

It was a fine summer evening that found him at the kitchen counter, experimenting with rye bread, when Bucky let himself in through the front door.

A couple of kids from Brooklyn by unremarkable @otp-holic [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Bucky comes back home after a few days out on a mission and finds Steve in the middle of a research of its own.

🌻 evening glow by PurpleStarship @inthelapofthewhiteqwen [Stucky, 1k words, General]

They're watching the cars pass by down on the street, the children playing ball in a dead-end, the way they used to all these decades ago. Bucky wonders if some eighty-odd years down the line two of those kids will be sitting by the window in their own little place and say: "We used to play ball in that alley. Look how far we made it, sweetheart."

***

Bucky and Steve spend a quiet evening at home:3

#stucky #stevebucky #r's reading log #fic rec #stucky fic rec

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ateezmakemeweep · 4 years

Photo

you’re the one that i want (part 18)

word count: 5k

angst (tw: abuse)

(part 17) (series masterlist)

tag list: @chogiout ; @psshwa ; @yeocult ; @seongghwaa ; @cherryeonii ; @chaoticbanqtan ; @8teenee ; @nczenniez ; @atinyarmyx1 ; @mingtopiaa ; @chubsluda ; @joongiebug ; @mochibabycakes ; @jisungity ; @skz-on-my-mind ; @nlost21 ; @myonlyaurora ; @closer-stars ; @kuaenam3g ; @byungaji ; @floweryjh ; @joeycheungg ; @lostscenarios ; @atinyxtopia ; @sanisms ; @kpopnightingale ; @simpforhyunjin ; @89staytinyzen21 ; @lokicaramel ; @hwaxbum ; @sakura-uji ; @songsoomin ; @toffee-hwa ; @deobitiful ; @hyunjeansuniverse ; @clown-teez ; @i-know-you-know-lee-know ; @tiny-whatsername ; @fairieofeternity ; @yixing-jaehyun ; @sleepyseonghwa ; @revehosh ; @atletino ;

if you thought your hangover was gonna be the worst part of your saturday, you were sadly mistaken. because you hadn’t accounted for the emotional turmoil you’d be in over seonghwa, remembering how you could barely rip yourself away from him when you saw san run outside looking for you.

the blonde had all but snatched you away from the boy and gave him a nasty look, his ex friend looking at him with a defeated look in his eye before leaving you two alone.

“what happened?” he asked quietly, his small hands on your face wiping at your tears. you shake your head as the salty wetness leaks from your eyes, shaking your head before collapsing against him.

“can we please just leave? i can’t be here anymore.”

san takes your hands in his, looking over at the squeak of the door and stiffening when he sees wooyoung; their eyes meet and san can’t help but think back to the conversation he ran from, the black haired boy pulling him into a spare room so he could talk to him in private.

but it was always in private and san was getting sick of it. he knew he didn’t want his friends knowing about how...in depth their relationship was and he was okay with that; if he wasn’t ready for them to know, that was fine, he understood. but to hide their friendship? something completely pure that everyone knew was a thing since they were kids?

he listened to the excuse that they would know, that they would see their lingering gazes or subtle touches and find out what changed in both of them that summer. but san pushed the boy away and cursed at him, being grabbed back roughly which led to a screaming match that ended very similarly to yours.

“me either,” he says to you, pressing a kiss to your head before walking you guys down the block to wait for your uber.

you slept at san’s house and you both now attempted to get down a stack of pancakes as you regretfully filled each other in on what the hell happened last night.

“well, so much for not taking their shit,” san whined, a tiny snort leaving your mouth before your eyes widen in realization.

“oh, my god, hyunjin! i feel so bad, i didn’t say goodbye to him.”

“he asked me for your number but i...didn’t know if you’d want that so i told him i’d talk to you first.”

you let out a sigh, feeling a tugging at your heart because you liked him. he was sweet and funny and it was just a bonus that he was so fucking handsome. but you weren’t good for him right now and he definitely deserved better. someone more attentive and not so hung up their stupid summer love.

“thank you,” you tell san softly, smiling as you lean against him on the couch. “but i don’t think that’d be a good idea right now.” the blonde nods his head knowingly, stretching out on the couch before patting his lap.

“let’s spend your first day hungover right,” he said, making you giggle as you settled your head on him. he laid the blanket out over you and played with your hair as you watched a movie marathon, his gentle touches lulling you to sleep before you woke a few hours later.

you felt a bit better but still had a lingering headache, the walk home from san’s house making the pounding in your temples resurface.

and then, as if today couldn’t make you feel any worse, your parents car in the driveway made your heart sink and stomach twist anxiously; what were they doing home? they weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow afternoon.

and the second they see you stumble in with your clothes from last night in hand and san’s sweatpants and sweatshirt, it begins. their questioning and shaming and harsh words, asking you where the fuck you were last night and if you were whoring around while living under their roof.

“i was with san, my coworker.”

you mentioned him once or twice at dinner but are sure they don’t remember; your mom had been in unusually good spirits that night, talking your ear off and smiling at you.

but today’s reaction is very different, a snide laugh as she asks if he’s your new boyfriend now; “moved on from your beach boy it seems,” she says snidely.

your eyebrows pull together, swallowing the need to defend yourself because it won’t even matter and you’re tired. you’re just so tired of everyone and everything today, wanting nothing more than to lay in your bed and fall asleep again.

you shrug your shoulders and bow your head, attempting to walk past them. but your dad has other ideas, grabbing your arm roughly and pushing you against the wall. your head bounces off the white paint and you wince at the pain, a quiet “ow,” causing him to scoff.

“your mother was talking to you, don’t be disrespectful.” don’t be disrespectful, he says, after bashing your head into the wall.

“i don’t know what she wants me to say.”

“how ‘bout telling us about what you did last night,” she hums lowly, standing next to your dad in a way that makes you feel completely ganged up on.

because even though you always are, it’s really bad right now. the obvious irritation between them about to be taken out on you, something about the look in their eyes making you very unsettled.

“i told you i was with my friend,” you say quietly, completely submissive and exhausted at the idea of conflict.

but her eyebrow raises at the same time your dad rolls his eyes, watching you carefully as he looks down at your clothes in your hand. “why are you in his clothes? did you sleep there?”

you bite the inside of your cheek, looking down at the floor and hearing your mom throw her head back in laughter. “oh, y/n...” she says mockingly, your body flinching away when she reaches out to stroke your hair. “what has happened to you? sneaking out with boys when your parents are out.”

and then suddenly, you fall to your knees as she tugs the strand harshly. you let out a cry and wonder why the fuck they’re doing this to you. why they always feel the need to hurt you and make you feel horrible.

why did they have a child? did they just wanna feel powerful, see how much they could disrespect and neglect another human being?

“i- i didn’t do anything bad.”

and even though you were just yanked down to the floor, you dad grabs your arm roughly and pulls you up. your wrist nearly snaps as he yells in your face, asking if that’s the case, why do you seem hungover right now?

your skin turns even more pale and he shakes his head, his hold on your wrist tightening to the point where tears prick your eyes.

“you’re hurting me,” you whimper out.

you feel like you say that a lot these days but no one ever seems to care. they just keep hurting you, his hand yanking you away from your mom before a prompt slap across your face.

“we didn’t think you’d do this if we went away but here you go, proving us wrong and betraying our trust.”

a tear rolls down your cheek and it only appears to infuriate him more. he goes to slap you again but you quickly move away, cracking your head into the corner of the wall and letting out a loud yelp.

your hand flies to your head where you know is gonna bruise, but your dad rips it away again. his hand gets tighter and tighter around your wrist to the point where you think he’s about to fracture it, whimpering out for him to please please stop.

“we won’t warn you again, y/n,” he growls lowly, something painfully shifting in your wrist and making you cry out again. “don’t give us fucking trouble and we won’t have to do this.”

you meet his gaze and see nothing but anger and rage and disgust looking back at you, getting shoved away from him and falling onto your butt in the dark hallway. your parents loom over you in a way that makes you think they’re gonna continue their assault on you, kick or slap you some more and really make you regret doing this.

but they only look at you before walking into the kitchen unbothered, panic stirring in your chest before you scurry backward into your room. you close and lock your door before resting your head against it, silencing your cries into your knees.

you drown out the sound of your parents screaming and yelling at each other, jumping when harsh banging and insults are shouted through your door. calling you all sorts of names and cursing at you like you can even hear them through your pounding ears.

you feel a bump forming on your head, making the throbbing ache in your temples ten times worse. you try to move your wrist but wince at the sharp pain that rushes through it, trying to breathe through your ragged cries and sobs.

you can’t do this anymore.

you can’t keep walking on eggshells and dealing with these outbursts that leave you battered and bruised and hurting. can’t keep making excuses for them that you were in the wrong and deserved some sort of punishment. that because this happened, they might not hit or yell at you for the next few days.

your phone buzzing in your pocket causes you to jump, your heart soaring at the idea of seonghwa’s name popping up right now; he saved you last time from them so maybe he’ll do it again.

but it’s san asking if you got home okay attached with a selfie of him on his couch with a pout. you can only send him a heart back before moving to seonghwa’s name, your shaky fingers typing out a message to him.

but then as you stare at the three pathetic words, you can’t find it in yourself to send it. instead, you throw your phone across the room and bury your face in your arms. because if you told him clear as day in words that you needed him and he ignored it, you don’t think you’d ever recover.

it’d make your desperate attempts to calm your breathing even more difficult.

but it feels as if you can’t breathe even into the next day, not once leaving your room to eat or get a drink of water; you only pee once and that’s when you take a drink from the faucet, splashing cold water on your face and wincing at the bruise on your head and deep, red markings on your swollen wrist.

and even though you spend most of that sunday sleeping, you can’t find it in yourself to go to school on monday.

you woke up and couldn’t imagine dealing with anything, schoolwork or teachers or avoiding seonghwa. you text san that you won’t be in school but will be there for your shift at 3:30, knowing you’ll have to be out of the house to not tip off your parents.

because you think if they catch you in another lie, they’ll make your throbbing head and wrist feels ten times worse.

“jesus christ, y/n, were you running like 20 miles an hour when you hit into the cabinet?”

you knew it was cliche but you had to think of something.

because the egg on your head looked as bad as it felt and you knew san was gonna question it. so a breathy little laugh left your mouth as you shrugged, redness creeping on your face as you easily lie to san about being clumsy.

“there’s clumsy and then there’s reckless, y/n, let me get you a-”

“san,” you hear a familiar voice growl. and it’s at that moment your head snaps up and you see seonghwa’s face fall, looking over you before his eyes widen when he sees your head.

“where were you?” he demands as he walks toward you, not even noticing san’s hands on you as panic sets in on his body. what happened to your head? that bump hadn’t been there when he saw you two days ago.

he knew something was wrong when he didn’t see you in homeroom. he felt it in the pit of his stomach and his mind hadn’t stopped racing since then, becoming even more frantic when he saw san sitting alone at lunch.

he couldn’t explain why but the memory of seeing you with your parents swarmed his mind, the look of fear in your eyes and the way your dad was so quick to jump up and tower over you in your aunt’s backyard.

"i know she's your sister so i'm not implying anything," he said bluntly over the table, the cup of chamomile tea she always offers him but he rarely drinks next to him. "but she's so scared to go back to them and i...do they hit her?"

"they're assholes, seonghwa, i'll be the first to tell you...but i don't think they would physically harm her."

he held on to your aunt’s words all day but right now, they’re no longer comforting him. not with that way you’re practically shaking under his gaze and how that bump appears to just grow bigger and bigger.

“i...i wasn’t feeling good this morning.”

his eyebrows pull together and he moves closer, reaching out to take your face in his hand. you hold your breath as he turns your head to the side, assesing your face carefully as tears prick your eyes because this is too much. he can’t find out, he can’t see you break down and finally admit what’s been haunting you since the day you were born.

“does this have something to do with it?”

your eyes apprehensively meet his and you swallow nervously at the look in them, blazing with hot determination and it’s then you realize there’s no getting out of this. that he feels something is wrong, the same way he was always so in tune with how you felt and read you so well.

you’re saved by the ding of an oven in the back room, the cookies san put in twenty minutes ago needing to be taken out to cool. it’s the perfect excuse to rip your face away from seonghwa and shake your head, mumbling to san that you’ll get them before leaving the boys.

seonghwa waits until the door closes to look at his old friend, the blonde looking at him with an unreadable expression.

“what did she say happened?”

san purses his lips to the side, biting the inside of his cheek before reluctantly speaking; he can tell the boy is frantic and plagued with worry. he’d been like that at lunch too, he noticed, bouncing his leg or rocking anxiously in a way he knows he does when he’s unsettled.

“she walked into a cabinet.”

seonghwa rolls his eyes as he lets out a groan, his hand falling into a fist so he doesn’t punch the counter and make san angry; but holy fuck, is he serious? is he really buying that?

“do you actually fucking believe that?” he snaps, san’s face immediately pulling into confusion; why wouldn’t he?

“why the hell wouldn’t i?” he questions, looking at seonghwa who’s gotten considerably more anger and agitated.

but it’s then the boy realizes you probably didn’t tell him about your parents.

about how they treat you and how many problems you have with them. he hasn’t seen the way they look at you or act around you, doesn’t have this overwhelming inclination that they did that to you, something that’s about to make him lose his shit if it’s true.

“seonghwa? why wouldn’t i? why would she...why would she lie?”

seonghwa bites the inside of his cheek before the door swings open, your eyes meeting his before you place the plate of cookies down. you can feel the tension in the air, san’s eyes on seonghwa while his are on you.

“can i talk to you outside for a second?” seonghwa asks you quietly, your eyes widening as a lump forms in your throat. you get unnerved when instead of butting in, san only looks between you and him with curious eyes.

you look at seonghwa and shake your head, feeling tears burn the back of your eyes. “i don’t think that’s a good idea, i have to do this-”

“i’ll do it,” san says, something about seonghwa’s words and intensity making him, surprisingly, side with the boy who’s hurt you so much. because he can see clear as day the concern and desperation in his gaze. you snap your head to look at the blonde and his gaze softens, attempting to give you courage through his eyes.

you let out a sigh of defeat before walking out from behind the counter, you and seonghwa’s arms bumping as he opens the door for you. you lean your shoulder against the glass window with your head casted down, your eyes focusing on the scuffs in seonghwa’s shoes.

he allows the silence for a few seconds before softly calling your name, a shaky exhale leaving your mouth before you look at him.

“what happened?”

you press your lips together so you don’t cry out, begging the tears not to fall as you shake your head. “nothing, i walked into a cabinet.”

seonghwa’s jaw tightens as he looks away from you, air blowing from his nose as he lets out a scoff.

“what did i say about lying to me?”

you can’t even find it in you to say something snarky or roll your eyes, looking up at him with glossy eyes. “i’m not lying,” you say quietly, your lower lip wobbling and eyes becoming wet.

his eyes soften as his eyes roam your face, taking a step closer as he takes your face in his hands. “then why are you about to cry?”

“i’m not,” you snap, moving your face out of his hold before you step back. “always seems to happen when you’re around though.” his eyes narrow at the way you turn defensive, knowing while there’s truth to your words, that’s not what this is about.

there’s something more tugging behind your eyes, backing away from him and dropping your gaze because he knows the power you both hold over each other is too much.

“i won’t deny that, baby, and i’m sorry but that’s not it,” he says, reaching out to tug you closer to him. a breathy sigh leaves your mouth as you feel your resolve breaking, his eyes on you too much because you just want to melt into his soft touch.

but if you do that, you’ll break completely today. and it’s already all too much for you.

“please tell me what happened,” he says quietly against your head. “remember what i said? whenever you needed me, i’d be there?”

you can’t help but laugh as you pull yourself away from him because that’s not fucking fair in the slightest.

“did you just remember that? where was that memory months ago, seonghwa?”

he licks at his lips anxiously, knowing that you have a point. but this is completely different. this is a matter of you being harmed and that’s something he cannot stand.

“this is different and we both know that, y/n,” he says quietly, his hand raising to touch the bump on your head again; but you move away before he can make contact with you.

“can you only be the one that hurts me?” you suddenly snap, not even realizing the words as his hypocrisy irks your broken spirit. but that sounds like an admission of some kind to him, his dark eyes flaring as he walks closer to you.

“so someone did hurt you,” his deep voice, your teary eyes rolling as you move away from him.

“of course that’s what you got out of that,” you laugh out humorlessly, shaking your head before your eyebrows pull together. “yes, seonghwa. someone did hurt me. a cabinet.”

he lets out a huff as he tries to reign in his anger, his jaw clenching at the way you snap at him.

“baby, i know you’re mad and i get that. but you need to fucking stop-”

“you need to fucking stop,” you yelp, your voice breaking as the tears behind your eyes surface and voice wobbles. “you...can’t keep doing this. why can’t you just leave me alone? i...we said we were done and it was going well so why all the sudden are you-”

“who. hurt you,” he asks, stepping forward and taking your face in his hands. his thumbs rub over your wet skin before he reaches up to the bump on your head, wincing as a quiet whimper leaves your mouth.

“tell me. talk to me, baby.”

your lower lip wobbles at the softly spoken tone of his voice, setting off every memory in your brain from when he’d sound like that in your bed. with the sun streaming through your open balcony doors as his breath tickled your neck. or quietly spoken into your salty skin on the moonlit beach.

when it seemed as if you two would never have to face anything that bad and could just kiss and laugh in the sun or behind closed doors.

“please stop,” you whisper quietly, shaking your head as you’re smacked back and forth with anger and sadness and defeat. “it doesn’t matter.”

“how can you say that?” he growls lowly in your ear, anger ripping through him.

how could you really think it doesn’t matter when he’s here ready to kill the person who did that (even though he already has a good idea of who it was). he holds your wavering gaze before letting out a sigh, his thumb caressing your face softly in a way that makes your chest feel heavier.

“tell me, y/n. don’t lie to me. you know it never fucking worked.”

except it did, you think. it did work and you need it to keep working. but you feel yourself breaking down because of him too and you’re not sure how much longer you can put it off.

your tongue peeks out to lick over your lips anxiously, shaking your head at him.

“i can’t,” you say quietly, voice barely above a whisper.

he tightens his hold on your face, desperate and pleading as he breaths out your name. you can’t tear your gaze away from him no matter how much you want too, feeling your eyes grow more and more wet.

“seonghwa, it’s not-”

“hey, you creep! why do you keep following her?”

both your heads snap back, your eyebrows pulling together when you see two girls standing outside the cafe. and it’s not until she stalks forward and her friend grabs her hand that you recognize the both of them from the party.

“jojo, you can’t just-”

“she was cornered by him and crying last time,” the girl says, looking over you with concern in her eyes. “we just wanted croissants and now we have to-”

“i’m not cornering her, i’m trying to talk to her,” seonghwa snaps, this abrasive girl’s timing absolutely fucking terrible. “so why don’t you mind your business?”

“why don’t i mind my business when i see an asshole like you constantly in this girl’s face?” she snaps back, her friend’s desperate pleas telling her to stop. you even try to tell her it’s okay before seonghwa growls again, his hands dropping from your face as he asks who she is to say that shit.

“seonghwa, it’s fine, she’s just trying to-”

“what’s going on?”

the four of you look at san whose blonde head is poking outside the door, the tension in the air thick. he’d been watching you both closely through the window before he noticed you two snap your heads away from one another, a dark and irritated look crossing seonghwa’s face he knew was not a good sign.

“this asshole is harassing her again!”

“this asshole knows her, unlike you,” seonghwa argues back, “so seems like you’re the fucking creep.”

your hand grabs his arm to pull him closer to you, his head snapping back and face immediately softening when he sees the tears in your eyes, knowing the last thing you want right now is more conflict .

“oh really? because it seems like-”

“it’s fine, she’s okay,” san softly assures the girl. “he was just leaving anyway. y/n has to get back to work.” seonghwa looks at the blonde who immediately shakes his head, a stern look in his eye that actually causes him to sigh.

seonghwa looks down at you again, frowning at the sad look on your face. he wipes at your face with his thumb before lifting your chin. “we’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?” and because you know you probably don’t have a choice, you let out a sigh and nod your head.

it takes him a few seconds to pull himself away from you, the bump on your head and sadness in your eyes making his stomach knot. he gives the mouthy girl a dirty look before thanking san quietly, the two girls not saying a word until seonghwa’s a few feet away.

“jojo! you have to stop doing this,” the smaller girl says, smacking her friend in the arm before turning her gaze to you. “i am so so sorry. she knows no boundaries and she’s only trying to help but-”

“it’s okay,” you laugh out humorlessly, shaking your head as you wipe at your face in embarrassment. “he really was just talking to me. but i...i do tend to cry in his presence.”

“well thats sucky of him,” jojo says. a small smile coveing your face as you nod, moving your gaze to the san. “i’m sorry,” you say softly. but the blonde only shakes his head and opens the door wider, ushering you three in with dimply smile on display.

“did you guys say you wanted croissants?” you ask the girls, both of them nodding guiltily. you smile softly as you prepare them and san rings them up, the three of them talking quietly.

“so they just told me they saw you and seonghwa at the party too?”

“yeah,” you say, plopping down the two plates with a sigh. “when he had me pinned against the wall insisting he loves me.”

“now that,” jojo says, croissant raised to her mouth with her eyebrows raised, “sounds interesting.”

“oh jesus christ, jo, please learn to respect boundaries,” the other girl says, smiling dismissively as she’s about pull them away. but then something in you causes you to speak again, maybe because you’ve never had girls to ask their opinions on and they seem like the best option you could get.

“i know you barely know me and this might be weird,” you find yourself saying, “but it’d be nice to get another perspective from someone who isn’t....him,” you say, turning around to see san stealing his 4th cookie from the jar.

“please!” jojo squeals, pulling up two chairs to the counter as her friend politely nods; she’s more shy and reserved but open nonetheless, introducing herself as bo-ra and insisting you don’t have to delve into your personal information despite the way her friend has inserted herself into it twice now.

you giggle softly, your sad spirit oddly lifting in the presence of these two strangers. but there’s something comforting about them, interested in the perspective of two girls who you also know will have two very different thoughts.

“so let’s hear it!” jojo says excitedly, plopping down in her seat not at all prepared for the story she was about to get.

a story of summer love and a budding relationship, where you two truly opened up and let each other in. where it seemed as if maybe two months was enough time to fall in love, if the look in your eye or smile on your face as you retold it wasn’t a good enough indication.

san watched with a frown as you recounted the memories, your voice twinged with amusement as you told them about surfing before your eyes turned teary, explaining how the days counting down till the time you had to leave were miserable. how sad and heartbroken and upset you were that you’d no longer be together.

“so you could only imagine my surprise when i saw him in my homeroom,” you tell them, jojo and bo-ra clutching onto one another, two more croissants gone.

“shut up!” jojo squeals, “that’s crazy!”

“there are so many other places you could’ve moved!”

“i know,” you say with a small smile before it quickly falls off your face. “but you would’ve thought he never saw me in his life. he just...completely avoided me.” and getting through the past few months with him was a whole lot harder and sadder to hear, hurt laced in your tone that makes san rub your back gently.

“and i get it, i do, i came out of nowhere and probably shocked him. but...for him to act like that? why...it makes me feel like he lied the whole summer.”

“exactly!” jojo says. “and like what’s the big deal? he has to keep up some stupid fake image? that’s literally sick of him. what the fuck?”

“there could be more to it, jo, only they really-”

“SICK!”

you smile sadly as you shrug your shoulders, looking at bo-ra who’s biting down on her lip. “be honest,” you tell her quietly, seeing the hesitation on her face. “i blurted all of this out after knowing you for five minutes because i wanted girl’s opinions.”

“well we’re friends now, that’s for sure,” she giggles. “but i don’t know. it’s definitely not right what’s he’s doing obviously and he doesn’t deserve for you to forgive him so easily. but i will say that he probably prepared himself for leaving you more than you know. he probably came home and had already checked out of his emotions and seeing you again caught you him off guard.”

you bite the inside of your cheek as you nod your head.

“even so, though, he shouldn’t treat her like this. he knows she’s upset and he’s so easily avoiding her,” jojo says. but san only lets out a snort and shakes his head.

“definitely not easily. if he’s not watching her, he’s begging her to talk and listen to him. it’s obvious to everyone he likes her but when it comes time to admit it, he’s a-”

“stupid teenage boy. and admitting it is what matters so he’s really dropping the ball,” jojo says. and all three of you can agree with that, nodding your head with a sigh.

“yeah. i don’t know,” you sigh out. “because i really do...care about him. and i know he cares about me too. he was just so... good, you know, and i miss him even though i see him everyday.”

it’s a sentiment that you’ve thought about all too much these past few weeks, how you see the same face and hear the same voice and have your body react to him the same way but still miss him. miss his smile and soft touch and sweet words that without fail made you feel better.

“maybe tomorrow, without interruption, you can get it all out in the open. for good,” bo-ra suggests. “no more back and forth. really get everything out and tell him you guys have to come to a decision. either forget about everything for good, for real this time, or be with each other again.”

(part 19)

#any drama girlies know who the other friend is? <3 #i will be SO impressed #seonghwa #seonghwa angst #ateez #ateez angst #seonghwa scenarios #ateez scenarios #seonghwa imagines #ateez imagines #seonghwa series #ateez series

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taeyohonic · 4 years

Text

Zero Percent

Summary: There is a zero percent chance the Park Jimin likes you, right?

Pairing: Jimin x fem!Reader

Genre: College AU, Golden Boy!Jimin, Actor!Jimin, Group Project Hell

Warnings: swearwords, one scene where the reader gets groped without consent (obviously not by Jimin)

Words: 5k

Monday – 9:47 am – PoliSci lecture

Everybody likes Park Jimin. Not only is he the star of the drama department – making the Dean cry with his performance as Hamlet during freshmen year. No, he is also the head of the Environmental Club and part of the most elusive fraternities on campus.

Park Jimin is kind, smart and handsome. The guy is constantly surrounded by fellow frat brothers, drooling girls and you even heard a story about a stray kitten following Jimin around, resulting in him adopting the little cat.

So, you aren’t really surprised when he doesn’t remember you – you only share two classes and one lecture with him. It does sting a bit, though.

“And you are?”, the golden star asks, looking at you with friendly distance in his eyes.

“_______”, you answer.

It follows an awkward silence – all four of you staring at each other with unease. There is no greater hell than group projects. You’ve got no friends, or even acquaintances, in this course. It isn’t like you are a recluse. You just have a very small circle of friends. And you don’t have any desire to change that.

“Well”, Jimin begins and unlocks his iPhone, “let’s start with a shared google docs.” Now he hands his device over to the girl with thick rimmed glasses. She looks like murder and you are woman enough to admit you’re a bit afraid of her. She does start your 8 am lecture with an energy drink and cold pizza. every. single. week.

“We could meet up before class next week to divide the parts among us?”, the guy to your right offers and you haven’t ever heard him speak before. He usually just sits in class and doodles in his sketchbooks. The red one he is resting on right now is the third book you’ve seen him use in the last month.

Your eyes widen as his words reach your tired brain. Meeting up before class? Before 8 am?

The girl gives you Jimin’s phone and you add your contacts half-minded. There is not even a single crack on his screen. Is this guy even real?

“How about after class?”, Jimin suggests instead and winks at you. You nearly drop his phone when you see his left eye closing in mischief. Did Jimin really just wink at you?

“Nah, I’m packed till practice”, the guy answers and takes the iPhone out of your hands.

“What about this weekend?”, the girl asks and opens her calendar.

“I could manage Sunday afternoon”, Jimin says and stores his phone back in his jeans. His way too tight jeans. The jeans you’ve been staring at all through lunch today. He was wrestling for … uhm… fun with one of his brothers – Jungkook you think – and his ass was just… very present pressed against the denim.

“Sounds good”, the sketch guy says and the girl nods in agreement. Now all of them look at you; the person that did in fact have plans for Sunday. But you doubt they’d be very understanding of your self-care day off from the week.

“Yeah, sure”, you agree reluctantly and fish out your own smartphone, an old grandfather of Jimin’s model with many cracks littering the screen. Without looking up, you delete the do not disturb block in your calendar and create a new appointment: group project politics.

“We can meet up at the PoliSci library; I’ll get us a study room”, Jimin says and stands up – his tights directly in your eyesight. There is a hint of blush on your cheeks as you pack your things together yourself.

“Great”, the other guy cheers – way too enthusiastic – and departs from your group. His sketchbook is raised as he waves at you. You turn around to the others and they are both gone too. Well, what did you expect from a group assignment worth 15% of your grade with random people? Did you see Jimin’s back as he exited the lecture room? Maybe. And did your eyes lay a bit longer on his butt? It’d be a crime if they didn’t.

Wednesday – 10:03 pm – dorm room

“No way!”, your roommate shouts, her voice a shrill pain in your head. “Not the Park” You just nod, your late-night ramen hot on your tongue.

“How did you manage that?”, she asks and nibs on some seaweed crackers.

“Random assignment”, you mutter as you swallow down your food.

“You lucky, lucky bitch!” She throws one half-eaten cracker in your face.

“It’s a group project, not a blind date, Jisoo.”

There is a zero percent chance that the Park Jimin is even slightly interested in you. But then you remember his wink and you up your chances to three percent.

“Let’s get some beer to celebrate!”, your roommate suggests and totally ignores your unenthusiastic posture. The day was long – after working a shift at the kiosk on campus.

“I’m tired”, you whine, but your body moves as you get dragged to your feet by Jisoo. “My noodles”, you cry. She just rolls her eyes and pushes the warm cup into your hands. “Eat them on the way.”

You grumble the whole walk to the kiosk you worked just a few hours ago. There are so much more options to get two cans of beer at 10 pm on a Wednesday, but you do get a 5% employee discount – plus the 20% for being a student.

“Do you think he’ll invite you to the fancy parties?”, Jisoo wonders and swings your entwined hands between you. Your other hand holds your food – you want to save the rest up for drinking.

“Before or after I bear his heir?” Jimin’s fraternity is legendary for its exclusive parties. In contrast to most frats, theirs is known for the tight circle of invites. These events had a hand-picked guestlist, no cheap alcohol in sight. There were even rumors that Jimin makes all partygoers use reusable cups to reduce plastic trash. You do remember reading about this in one of the columns of your university paper.

“You’ll be fat after birth, so preferably before”, she reasons. You nod – true.

“I ain’t see any fat”, a male voice slurs and then you feel hands on your butt. You turn around, recognizing a squeeze before the hand leaves your body. As you see the guy who touched you, you feel fear setting in your bones. There are three of them and they do look very drunk. The darkened ally is not the most favorable spot to meet jerks. You can see the light from your store coming up ahead, but it’s late and deserted and they touched you.

“HEY”, Jisoo shouts and moves in front of your body. “NO TOUCHING WITHOUT CONCENT!”

His two friends are shocked by her loud outbreak and take a step back, but the toucher is still standing his ground. “Yo, be chill, bitch”, he says. Oh, he did not. Before you can even think about it, your arm moves on its own account. The lukewarm soup and the noodles splash in his face, coating his shirt and dripping on the cement. The guy’s eyes widen in surprise, but then they light up with anger. Shit. “Shit”, Jisoo whispers out loud.

And then Park Jimin is there, pushing in front of you. He creates a human wall between you and the three guys. His body heaves as he breathes in fast intervals. He must have run after he heard Jisoo’s shouting.

“Back off”, the golden boy says with a calm voice. His blond hair is so close, you are sure you can smell his eucalyptus shampoo.

“Hey man, this is between me and these two bitches”, the other guy answers, insulting you again.

“You’ve got a minute till my brothers catch up”, Jimin states. “Go. Now.”

Maybe the guy was too far gone, alcohol clouding his judgment, but he needs his two buddies nearly dragging him away from you. They whisper in his ears, half bowing to Jimin. “So sorry, man”, one of them says, clearly having recognized the star student even in the dark.

Jimin doesn’t react. Instead, he turns around to you and you get to look at his angered face. “Why are you two out here? Alone? In the middle of the night? Where is your rape whistle? Hm?”, he asks. You just watch him with surprised eyes.

“Hmm?”, he questions again, stepping closer to you. Jisoo stares silently at Jimin. She has never spoken to him but has always been a strong advocate for watching his ass during lunch.

“Uhm”, you try to answer and swallow the fear from moments ago down. “We… we-were getting to the part?”

Jimin just scoffs in your face, clearly not impressed with your fumbled words. “What are you even doing out here at this time?”

You are slightly intimidated by his presence, so your finger shakes a bit as you point to the kiosk behind you. “We wanted beer.”

You have no idea how this happened. One second you were assaulted, then saved by Jimin. Now you’re sitting in front of the store, waiting for the guy to come back out. Jisoo is sitting next to you on the steps, her elbows on her knees. Then you hear the bell at the door and turn around to see Jimin juggling three beers under his right arm and a steaming cup of noodles in his left hand. He comes to a still before you and pushes the ramen in your hands. After that he places two bottles in front of your feet and crouches down facing you. Jimin’s face has cleared and he looks friendly enough.

“Thanks”, you whisper into your cup. Jisoo hums in agreement.

“I called one of my brothers. He’ll get the footage from one of the security cameras tomorrow”, he explains and twists his own beer open, taking a big swing.

“Why?”, you ask confused and blow at your noodles. Jimin’s eyebrows furrow.

“What do you mean why? So, we can write these bastards up”, he says, and you gasp in surprise, the noodles falling back into the cup.

“You’d… do that for us? Even though you haven’t even seen him… uhm… grabbing me?”, you question in wonder. Why would he go out on a limb for you?

Jimin just rolls his eyes at you. “Of course, I’d do that.”

He is halfway through his beer when Jisoo decides to participate in this semi silent semi one-sided conversation.

“What … were you – you know – doing out this late?”, she wants to know in the softest tone you’ve ever heard her speak in.

Jimin’s hand combs through his hair, the thick strands parted by his fingertips. “I was on a date”, he answers casually.

“On a Wednesday?” Maybe not your smartest contribution because both let out a chuckle.

“Some people date during the week”, Jisoo snorts.

“Some people do meth, Jisoo. Doesn’t mean these are good life choices. Wait – Jimin… did you leave your date to…”

“To rescue two girls from danger? Yeah.”, he finishes for you and dusts invisible dirt from his shoulders. You roll your eyes at his puffed chest and eat another bite of your food.

“Nah, I’m just messing with you”, he laughs, “I was just on my way back from dropping her off at thes dorms.”

After that, there is an awkward silence. The three of you aren’t friends – there is no connection, common interest or shared anecdotes between you. Well, apart from your group project and his unborn son. Before you can start to ramble about the specifics of the – still empty – google docs he linked you in two days ago, his cell starts vibrating.

“Yeah?”, Jimin answers absently and collects your empty bottles to dispose them into the recycling bin. His conversation is muffled at best and you look at your roommate. Again, you hear the bell ring as your coworker Jaehyung closes the door and locks the store.

He smiles down at you. “Why didn’t you come inside, ______?”, he asks in greetings and gives you a quick hug. You hold your ramen in a vice grip – you’ll not lose your second midnight snack again.

“Jimin insisted he didn’t need the 5% extra discount”, you shrug and Jaehyung looks at you funny.

“Jimin?”, he wonders and steals a bite of your noodles. Is there even a god?

“That’ll be me”, the man in question responds and locks his iPhone as he joins the extended group.

“Ah, man… I loved how you absolutely killed it last week on stage”, Jaehyung praises and pats the lead actor on the back. You couldn’t agree more. You’d been there with all the student employees from the kiosk. Jaehyung made it his mission to justify the outing as a bonding experience and teamwork task to your boss.

“This one even had tears in her eyes”, he whispers in mock secrecy and points in your face. Jimin looks at you with an unspoken question on his lips. The actor stops studying you and moves his eyes to look at your coworker, who stands very closed to your sitting figure.

“Glad you enjoyed it”, Jimin mumbles and spares a small smile. “I… really have to get to the frat soon”, he starts, “so, … I’ll better get you two to your room now.”

Jisoo stands up in a heartbeat, dragging you up as well. He’s going to walk you home?

“Nah, don’t worry, man. I’ve got this!”, Jaehyung answers. Jimin’s face is blank as he musters the scene in front of him.

“I’d really like to know that you got back okay”, he reasons and looks pointedly at your coworker.

“Their dorm is waaay out of your way, man. Just let me handle this… It’s the same direction for me anyway”, Jaehyung tries to reason and you see Jimin’s eyes flash in frustration.

Jisoo is just looking between both men, not really sure how to react. Has Jimin an ulterior motive to walk you back? Does he even want to walk you back? Is it more than just soothing his conscious?

Maybe your chances of the Park Jimin being interested in you just upped from three to fifteen percent.

“Sure”, Jimin reluctantly agrees to Jaehyung’s plan and faces you, his stare zeroing in on you.

“Write me when you get home?”, he demands more than asks and you can only nod dumbfounded.

“Just,… let me give you my number so you’ll be able to text me”, Jimin reasons and stretches his hand out to get your phone. You look at him in confusion – you exchanged numbers two days ago during class. He was the one messaging all of you.

“I… uhm… have your number”, you tell him. His eyes widen in surprise.

“Since when?”, the campus star asks and musters you in suspicion. Your face colors instantly, a deep red tone on your cheeks, as you realize that Jimin doesn’t remember you’re in his group assignment. He… doesn’t even recognize you. You feel so embarrassed, more so when Jisoo, too, sucks in her breathe.

“Uhm”, this is… very humiliating, “we’re i- in the same.. group for our PoliSci class.”

There is a beat of silence as you see even Jimin’s cheeks dusted with a hint of red.

“Ah, right, sorry”, he says and massages his neck uncomfortably. “I didn’t recognize you without your glasses.” Kill me now.

You just laugh and swallow down the bitter taste in your mouth while moving closer to your friend. Now, he thinks you’re the murderer? There is no mercy for your pride here.

“Let’s get going, ______”, Jisoo says, way too chipper and links your arms as she pulls you away from this disaster. “Thanks again, Jimin-ssi.”

“Yeah”, you agree and bow in front of him to cover the humiliation painted across your face.

Jimin bites on his bottom lip, all too tempted to reply, but settles for a swift nod.

Then the three of you walk away and ss soon as he is out earshot, Jaehyung looks at you.

“I have never seen you wearing glasses, ______”

Well, maybe your predictions were a bit off, maybe your chances with Jimin were no more than two percent.

Sunday – 4:32 pm – PoliSci library

“Should we… just start?”, you ask as Jimin fiddles with his tablet. You’re both seated in one of the small study rooms of your library. There is a half-empty box of chocolates between you. Jimin presented them with a shrug – they were a present he got after his last performance, the sweets a gift from one of his fanclubs… yeah… plural.

Other than that, there is your old laptop in the desk, some of the books from your professor’s reading list spread around the table, and an empty water bottle. What is not here, is the rest of the group.

You don’t have their numbers, Jimin being the organizer out of the four of you. His is the only number that is saved in your phone and was used last Wednesday. There was a small part of you – hell, who are you kidding? – a big part of you, that didn’t want to text Jimin. After the embarrassment died down that night, you were really angry. How could he? He winked at you one day and then forgot he even knows you the next day?

You wanted him to be ashamed; having him franticly messaging the wrong girl in his group would have served him right. And judging by the sheer joy this girl is, he’d have gotten an earful calling her at midnight.

But then you didn’t want to imagine him realizing he had the wrong girl. No, you wanted to be present. So, you texted him briefly and rescheduled the reveal for this Sunday, when he’d see both of you. And now you two are alone. Perfect planning, ______.

“You texted them, right?”, you ask for the tenth time and Jimin nods, picking one more praline from the box.

“Yeah, and I also called while you were peeing”, Jimin answers and pops the dark chocolate in his mouth.

“Don’t say that word”, you say.

“What? Pee?”, he laughs, “Be happy I didn’t say piss.”

“Now you said it too”, you whine.

“What else am I supposed to say, _______?” Oh, the right name; nice.

“Going to the toilette? Stepping out for a second? Leaving the room?”, you list and grab a sweet. The air between you both isn’t exactly uncomfortable. You’ve licked your wounds over the rest of the week and can see your partner for what he is, an overachiever.

He has much on his plate, so many appointments and engagements, it’s no wonder he doesn’t remember one of the hundred of faces on campus. So, you decided to forgive him… to a certain degree. The degree being, that a.) he doesn’t even know there is an issue and b.) your big revenge fell down the drain with your female partner being a non-show.

For the last half hour, the two of you talked, mainly about organisatory stuff like due-dates and presentation formats. But then you pointed to the box of chocolates and you both strayed into more private matters. You complimented him – again – for his performance and Jimin expressed his relief that he received all-around glowing reviews. He even shared that there was a casting coach at one of the stage nights. The golden boy’s eyes lit up, as he talked about the offer to sign a contract with this coach, who was one of the most in-demands in his profession.

“We could just divide the parts evenly among us and pick the ones most to our liking”, your partner offers and shares his tablet with you.

“I doodled with a few topics last night… what do you think, _____?”, he asks, and you look at his notes. Of course, his doodles look like your versions of an exposé.

Why does he have so much resources to prep for this meeting when he can’t even filter your face?

“Yeah, the second theme looks… uhm quite promising”, you say and move to enlarge his mind map. You’re sure the first proposal is just as good, but there were a few words that you don’t even know how to pronounce.

The two of you work productively for the next half hour, separating some key elements of the theory and choosing your own parts. Jimin – being the one coming up with the whole topic – let’s you pick first. You try to decline but he is very adamant.

After you added all your points into the shared document, the both of you pack away your things and Jimin throws away the empty box of chocolates. So much for a healthy afternoon snack.

Jimin is just happily telling you he’ll sleep in tomorrow because your professor canceled your shared lecture. You can’t agree more – having moved your self-care day to tomorrow instead. You’ll skip your tutoring session in the evening, so the whole day is yours. A smile stretches across your face and you hear Jimin stumble on his words as he looks at you.

“There is a party at my frat today, if you wanne come?”, he offers and slings his backpack over his shoulders. Wait… what?

“A Bangtan Party?”, you whisper-shout and look at him – the smile frozen on your lips.

Jimin looks a bit embarrassed as he sees your excitement.

“Yeah… I could set you on the guestlist?”, he say, a bit unsure. Your brain is working overtime. The Park Jimin wants you at his party? The girl he couldn’t even remember a few days ago? A mere group project fail?

“Really?”, you ask as you feel anticipation cursing through your veins.

“Really.” Jimin’s eyes are nearly closed, a bright smile pushing his cheeks up.

Maybe… Maybe your chances of the Park Jimin being interested in you are higher than you thought, now that he knows who you are. You’ll give yourself solid 20 percent. This party is one of the most exclusive affairs on campus, why else invite you if there isn’t some interest at his end?

“Cool”, you say, “can I bring my roommate?”

Jimin nods and holds open the door, closing and locking it behind him.

“I’ll see you tonight then?”, he asks instead of saying goodbye and moves away from you. You see Jungkook… and is that Namjoon?... waiting two aisles behind you, talking to each other in hushed voices. You wave at Jimin in affirmation and turn around.

“Don’t you think this is way too short?”, you ask – your insecurity slipping right out as you brush over the fabric of your dark red metallic skirt. Jisoo and you have been getting ready for the last few hours, which entailed not only some very hairspray-intense styling but also a tree diagram being constructed on the back of your pre-game nachos. Your roommate collected and rated every clue you gave her regarding the Park Jimin mystery – of course only after she squealed for a good minute.

“No touching my stuff”, Jisoo scolds and knocks away your fidgeting hands. She added ten percent to your prediction because she upvoted him rescuing you – and staring at Jaehyung in frustration – way higher than his misjudgment of forgetting your name and face. Even thought you pointed out that Jimin was on a date clearly indicating he maybe isn’t even emotional available.

“Your stuff is on my body, though”, you argue as both of you walk to the frat house. Their house isn’t that far off campus but it still is a 20 minute walk. You’ve got your pepper spray with you this time even if you left your rape whistle at home. There are few students out this evening, tomorrow being Monday making most of them stay in tonight. Before you can take the last turn do that their house comes into view, there is a person calling your name from behind.

You look and see the sketchbook guy from your group project jogging towards you. Jisoo looks at you questionably, not recognizing him. There is suppressed anger on your face and you try really hard not to be too mean to the person who left you and Jimin waiting today.

“Yeah?”, you ask and look at the slightly out of breath guy now in front of you. He’s got a gym bag over his shoulders, his running shoes still on his feet.

“Good workout today?”, you add with slight sarcasm in your voice. There seems to be a slight issue in translation because he just smiles wider at you as he gives you a small bow.

“Thanks to you, of course”, he answers, and you are this close to hitting a person today.

“What?”, you hiss and try to control your anger. This useless excuse of a PoliSci major will not lower your standards. Now the guy looks at you with a puzzled expression on his face – clearly not expecting you to me so hostile.

“You know? Yo- you and Jimin offering to do the selecting and dividing by yourselves really helped me out today.” Come again?

“What?”, you repeat this time without venom in your voice. His face moves to the side as he musters you carefully.

“Uhm… Jimin called on Thursday… telling us not to bother coming on Sunday”, he explains slowly as if you’re the dumb one. Jimin did what?

“What?”, you ask for a third time and now he and Jisoo look at you with worry.

“He.. he.. I mean Jimin – he mentioned that you two were totally fine with doing it alone… Mina and I offered to finalize and proofread the presentation in return”, he continues and you are just confused. So, so confused.

Why would Jimin lie to them – and to you?

“Ehm.. I’m sorry…”, you look at him sheepishly. He seems to understand and adds “Wobin”.

“Yeah, right… Wobin… this is a huge misunderstanding … let me – uhm talk to Jimin”, you say, the confusion slowing down your word flow.

Wobin looks at Jisoo in question and she just shrugs. “You’re staying with her?”, he asks her and she nods. “We haven’t had that much to drink… I think she just needs a minute. Thanks tough, Wobin”, Jisoo calmly states and your partner leaves with an uncertain wave.

“_______?”, another voice joins – because why not make it a whole convention here on the sidewalk literarily five minutes away from your destination. You turn to the male voice and see non other than Jungkook walking towards you with hurried steps.

“Hmm?”, you answer, still reeling from the confession mere minutes ago.

“What are you doing out here alone by yourselves?”, he questions as he catches up. Jisoo is frozen next to you – even tough Jimin is without question the hottest guy at your university, Jungkook is by far the most dangerous. Combined, they are lethal.

“We were just on our way to your house”, you offer and point in the direction of the frat.

“Yeah, I get that”, he says, “but why are you out here alone?”

“You can see Jisoo, right?”, you ask, not sure of anything tonight and look at your roommate.

Jungkook scoffs and shakes his head – clearly not impressed.

“After last Wednesday you’re still walking around alone at night?”, he wants to know. Last Wednesday? Wait how does he know about that?

“Who told you?”

Now Jungkook looks as worried as Wobin before. “Jiminie told me? Hadn’t I stayed longer at practice I would have been with him when he found you.”

“Practice?”, you ask.

“Yeah,… we’re preparing a inprov show to celebrate the anniversary of the drama department, you know?”, he explains and adds after he sees your expression: “Hasn’t Jimin mentioned anything?”

No, Jimin did in fact not mention he wasn’t actually leaving from a date but a late-night practice that day.

“He has been wreaking havoc since that night”, Jungkook shares. “Every brother had to sign up to cover a shift patrolling common paths during school nights.”

Now, he points at himself. “Today is my night so I’ll escort you to our mansion.”

Jisoo just looks at him like he grew a second head.

“You’re pepping for an improvisation show?”, she asks slowly as the three of you begin to walk.

This is the thing Jisoo has a problem with? Really? You feel your head spin while you try to make sense of the last two encounters.

Jimin didn’t go on a date last Wednesday. Jimin himself uninvited your partners from todays meeting. You shared chocolates with a liar.

“Wait… Jungkook?”, you ask not even looking at him. “Do you guys get a lot of gifts after your performances?” The student just laughs and shakes his head.

“Nah, we’re not allowed to anymore. The presents were getting out of hands. I mean… Seokjin-hyung even got a gold bar once, a fucking gold bar.”

You speed up your steps as you see the frat house in front of you, few people mingling around the entrance. There is a guy standing at the door and you’re trying to get your student ID out of the bag – your thoughts making your hands shake.

Jungkook comes up behind you and just shoves you inside, saluting the other guy with a cheeky grin. You don’t have much time taking in the décor, but you do notice how small the group of students are mingling around the living room. There is soft R&B playing from a stereo and you see the infamous reusable cups full of alcoholic mixtures.

And then you see Jimin, how ridged he is standing in front of the fireplace, bottled water in hand. His eyes zero in on you and the blooming smile quickly freezes when he notices your disheveled state. You step around some guys on the couch, making your way towards him. He places his water on the mantlepiece.

“______”, he greets you and you hear the tension in his voice. He knows, you know – maybe not how much, but Jungkook trailing behind you with a guilty look tells him that you know enough.

“Jimin”, you start, completely unsure which lie you should focus on, your brain jumping around in circles.

“______”, he whispers and takes a step closer to you.

“Jimin”, you try again to form a coherent sentence.

Before his lips meet yours in a shy confession, you think to yourself:

Maybe there is a 99 percent chance of Park Jimin being interested in you.

________

there is... no logical explanation for this story, other than me having war flashbacks while thinking about group projects at university. did you enjoy this oneshot? Please tell me if you find this Jimin as "perfect" as I did (apart from manipulating the OC). did/do you have similar experiences with group work? I always hated it. with a passion. thanks for reading and feel yourself hugged (if you want to) from, dana

#jimin x reader #jimin x you #jimin fanfic #park jimin #bts x reader #bts fanfic #college jimin #jimin oneshot #jimin fluff #park jimin x reader #bts fluff #jimin imagines #bts college au

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lixiepeach · 4 years

Text

Roses

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Stark!reader

Warnings: Pining, a bit of angst, light fluff, probably a lot of cliches.

Summary: Y/N Stark has a huge crush on Steve Rogers, but she’s scared to tell him.

A/N: This is for @kellyn1604’s 5K writing challenge. I chose the prompt: “I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” This is also my first time doing a reader insert instead of an OC so I’m checking off a lot of firsts with this one.

You had a serious problem. Of course, you only realized this at the most inconvenient time. This time you were sparring with Natasha and of course, Steve had to be right in your line of sight squatting the weight of a small car. You can’t help but watch the sweat slide between the ridges of the muscles in his back, the way his perky butt stood out as he squatted low. You almost bite straight through your lip as Natasha lands a solid kick right to your abdomen, flattening you on the floor. You lay there, staring up at the ceiling, wheezing for breath as she stands over you, smirking. You have no shame. None at all.

Natasha kneels on the floor next to you, leaning in close. “You let your guard down again, Y/N.”

You lift your head up, glancing at where Steve was now stretching before looking up at her. “Can you blame me?”

“Why don’t you just tell him?”

“I’m definitely not his type, for starters.”

Natasha tilts her head. “And what is his type?”

You motion up and down at her. “You. Strong, brave, heroic.” You poke at your stomach. “I’m all soft and cowardly. He wants someone who will run into the face of danger, not from it.”

“You’re sure that’s what he wants and that’s not just what you think he wants?”

You shrug. “Look at his dating history. It’s short but concise. He has a type, and it’s not me.”

********

You try to convince yourself that he would never go for someone like you, shoving your feelings to the side. You were a scientist. An engineer, keeping with the family tradition. You would build machinery that could bring down a building, but that was where your heroics ended. You hadn’t gotten your father’s selflessness to put yourself in danger to help others. Maybe you were selfish but you’d seen enough of it to last you more than a lifetime. You were more than happy to stay behind the lines, making sure everyone’s gadgets worked perfectly. So that’s where you buried yourself to avoid facing your feelings for the Star-Spangled Man.

Of course, that was hard when you were currently doing updates on his suit and you needed him to try it out. It had taken you nearly a half an hour to build up the courage to message him to meet you in your lab and bring his shield. The prospect of being alone with him scared you beyond belief. What if you said something stupid? What if you just malfunctioned and melted into a pile of goo? Perhaps the latter would be a less embarrassing end than other situations you could come up with.

Like forgetting to breathe when he walks in. Yeah, suffocating yourself was definitely more embarrassing than turning into goo. It’s not your fault though since he insists on walking around like a male model with his slicked-back hair and too tight t-shirts and perfectly fitting jeans, just tight enough to show off his lower body. Yeah, you had it bad. Real bad.

“Hey.” He says, nearly stopping your heart with an award-winning smile.

“H-Hi.” You smile back, but you’re sure it looks more like a wince from your inability to not stutter. You had gone through years of therapy to fix that. And this man in front of you had the ability to undo that with one word.

“You said you needed me to test something?”

You nod, swallowing your nerves, praying your hands don’t shake as they pick up his glove off your work table. “I fixed the magnet in your glove. It should work all the time now, instead of just being finicky. No offense of course to my dad but he’s got so much going on sometimes and he’s so sleep-deprived pretty much all the time, sometimes he forgets to put the right wire in the right place and I’ve seen what happens when he connects the wrong ones and I don’t want you to have to go through that recovery process so...I’ll stop talking and let you try it out.” You give him a nervous smile, inwardly berating yourself for your nervous banter as you hand his glove back to him.

He smiles, his fingers brushing yours as he takes the glove from you, your heart nearly stopping in his chest. His hands aren’t as calloused as you thought they would be. You’d felt your dad’s hands and there was no expensive moisturizer that was going to save him. Steve’s hands though are surprisingly smooth, probably having something to do with the serum and his healing abilities. He only had callouses where he needed them.

Steve slips his glove on, setting his shield on the floor before activating the magnet. You jump slightly as the shield snaps up onto his arm again, holding in place.

He turns to you, smiling. “Looks good right now.”

You nod, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Good! If it starts to act up again, just let me know. I’m happy to take another look at it.”

Steve nods, fiddling with the shield as he hesitates for a moment. Your heart starts to pound in your chest as adrenaline rushes through you. Now’s your moment. You want to blurt out all of your inner thoughts, confess your feelings, tell him you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him.

“Hey, Steve?” You step closer, but your confidence fades as he looks at you.

His blue eyes freeze you in place, stealing the words from your lips. “Yes, Y/N?”

You gulp a little. “I-If you ever need anything else fixed...you can come straight to me. I know my dad likes to try and fix everything and he tends to just send the small stuff to me but I know he can get a little backed up and distracted and with your guys’ unpredictable schedules it can be kinda hard if you need something right away, so I’m here if you need anything. Anything fixed, that is.”

Steve nods and you can’t help but notice a flash of disappointment in his eyes. Maybe you had just imagined it from your own disappointment in your cowardice. “Thanks, Y/N. I’ll keep that in mind.”

You let out a breath as you watch him leave, hitting your work table in frustration at your own lack of bravery. One day. One day you would tell him.

*********

You’re one day too late. Steve comes down to the rec room dressed to the nines and you can feel your heart breaking a little. He has flowers in his hands, daisies in a nice bouquet. You feel your hands shake as they hold your book, Steve looking like a dream. A dream you had envisioned many nights alone, but this one wasn’t for you.

“How do I look?” Steve asks Sam who’s sitting at the opposite end of the couch from you.

“Man, when you clean up, you do it nicely,” Sam says. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

“One of the girls from accounting. Natasha set me up.”

You can feel your heart breaking even more. Not only from disappointment but also from betrayal. You had thought of Nat as a friend, but maybe you had been wrong. Your breath catches as Steve turns to you, and you try to hide the disappointed look on your face.

“Y/N? What do you think?”

You nod, swallowing the lump in your throat. “You look great.”

He smiles at you and your heart breaks all over again. “Thanks. I’ll be home late so no one wait up for me.”

“We won’t,” Sam says jokingly as Steve makes his way out of the rec room.

You try to go back to your book but you can’t concentrate on it, fighting the tears threatening to spill. You had wasted your moment and Steve had already found someone else. You get up from the couch, heading to the only person you know you can trust in the tower.

He’s right where you expect him to be, hunched over his work table messing with something. You can’t really see through the tears, leading yourself blindly to his side.

“Dad?”

He glances up from his work, doing a double-take as he sees the tears running down your cheeks. He sets his tools down, reaching out for you. “Hey pumpkin, what’s going on?”

You fall against his chest, clinging to his shirt. He smells like aftershave and metal but you don’t care, burying your face in his chest. “Why can’t I be brave like you?”

He wraps his arms around you, and you can tell he’s staring at you. “What do you mean?”

“Steve’s out on a date. I wasn’t brave enough to ask him and I missed my chance.”

“It’s not your fault.” He rubs your back.

“Why can’t I just talk to him? Be smooth like you?”

He sits you down on a stool, holding you at arm’s length. “I’m not always smooth. I almost missed my shot with your mom.”

You tilt your head. You hadn’t ever heard this story before. “What do you mean?”

“You know I met your mom while we were in school and she was literally the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I swear I thought I would die any time she even looked at me. It was like all the experience I had talking to women just went out the window. I couldn’t work up the courage to ask her out and the one time I finally did she already had plans with another guy. Two months went by before they broke up and I finally got the chance to shoot my shot and, well, you know how the story ends. So don’t give up hope. It’s just one date. You’ll get there.”

You want to believe him. You really do.

*****

It’s later that night and you can’t sleep. It was pushing eleven and the tower and quieted down as everyone either left for the night, went to bed, or to their respective workspaces to avoid sleeping. You had taken a page out of your dad’s book and buried yourself in your lab, working on a couple of things you had decided to put together out of boredom. Mostly it was a need for a distraction. You weren’t sure if Steve had come back yet and you were too scared to ask FRIDAY if he had or not. You weren’t really sure you wanted to know the answer to that question.

Turns out you didn’t need to.

The sly AI let you know that Steve had returned, and was currently in the kitchen. You push all your fear and doubt aside, your legs shaking as you get up and make your way there as well. You nearly turn and run as you walk in, Steve having taken his jacket off and was just in a pair of slacks and a button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up. You push the small shred of bravery forward, making your way further into the kitchen. Steve looks up where he’s sipping a cup of water next to the fridge.

“You’re up late.”

You nod, coming to a stop a few feet from him. “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep. Decided to work on some stuff.” He nods, taking another drink. “Steve, there’s something I need to say.”

He looks back to you, swallowing the water he had just drank. You don’t give him a chance to respond, knowing if you wait any longer, you’re not going to get it out.

“Steve, I’ve been trying to say this for a long time and I keep talking myself out of it and convincing myself that I’m not good enough and I’m tired of being hurt and heartbroken so I’m just going to come out and say it. I’m a simple girl. I know that’s kind of surprising given my childhood and my dad and the fact that I could basically have anything I really wanted, but there’s only one thing I really want. I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” You take a breath, Steve not even blinking as he takes in your words. “I know you’re already seeing someone and by the looks of it the date went really well and I’m really late letting you know this and no matter how much it hurts I hope you two are happy together. I just needed to say it-” You’re cut off by Steve’s finger on your lips. You hadn’t even noticed him approach you in your ramblings.

“I’m glad you did.” He moves his finger from your lips, staring down at you. He smells good, like spice and Italian food. “The date…didn’t really go well. I realized the gal wasn’t really my type and I also realized while I was sitting at the restaurant that I liked someone else. I kept imagining her sitting across from me instead of the girl from accounting.” You stare up at him, unsure of what he’s going to say. “You. I was imagining you.”

It takes a moment for his words to hit you, but when it does you feel like your feet are going to float off the ground and you’ll lift right to the ceiling. You get the same feeling you do when you’re on a roller coaster heading down the big drop at the beginning like your stomach is still sitting at the top of the hill and all circulation has ceased except between your heart and your brain. You know you’re shaking but you’re not entirely sure you had stopped since you left your lab.

“Steve...I...don’t know what to say...I’ve spent so much time...dreaming about this...I…”

He wraps an arm around you, holding you close. “Then don’t say anything.”

He leans down, pressing his lips to yours. They’re soft against yours, and you have to question Natasha’s opinion that he hadn’t done much kissing since the ’40s. Not that you had much experience to go off of.

“God I wish I had confessed earlier.” You breathe for a moment, Steve smiling before pressing his lips back to yours.

You’re not sure how long you stand there, lost in each other. Months of pent up emotions and feelings leaving you both. Steve leans his forehead against yours, breath fanning over your face. You didn’t want to move, but the exertion from all of the emotions that had just come to the surface has your body realizing how late it really is.

“So, I know you just went on a date, but maybe next weekend we could go see a movie or something?” You ask as you pull away from Steve.

He nods. “Sure. I’d love to take you out.”

You smile at him. “Great. I’ll be sure to clear my schedule.” You turn, heading towards the door, but you stop, turning around to face him again. “Oh, and Steve? I like roses.”

#writing challenge #marvel #mcu #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x stark!reader #reader insert #5k writing challenge #fluff #pining #angst #americas ass

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signalsandsoundwaves · 4 years

Text

Hello! New chapter is very close to finished! Only 1/4 left to go, probably around 5k words! I’ll also try to finish up the shading on the SDG sketch so I can at least put that one up on the prologue chapter! Down below the cut is a snippet from Sora’s POV to help tide you over, so please enjoy!

Her jaw was still dropped as Donald and Goofy ran on in—The sight of Traverse Town’s First District loomed in the room beyond.

Every building was accounted for, right down to their particular style of white mortar with dark wooden framing. The same twin streetlamps beamed down onto the cobblestones, and the same gas lamps lit up the tables of the outdoor café on the square. But over them all the neon signs of the Accessory Shop and the moogles’ workshop glowed with a pleasantly colorful light.

There was no ceiling in the room beyond as there had been in the entry hall; instead, a starry night sky appeared to extend far beyond what should have been the limits of Castle Oblivion.

“This can’t be right,” Sora gasped. This obviously had to be some kind of illusion from all the magic in this place. Though it was a very convincing one. “Traverse Town? How did you—?”

She had moved the door to talk to the man again, but he was gone. He must have left when they were distracted. And so, with one last glance towards the entrance door on the opposite end, its barrier of vines still in place, Sora walked into the illusion of Traverse Town and closed the door behind her.

It was a very convincing imitation. Even the sound of her and her friends’ footsteps changed to match how she remembered them sounding on the cobblestones. Or, at least it sounded quite like how she’d imagine them to sound.

“It’s exactly how I remember it,” Jiminy said from Goofy’s pocket. “Even the café’s sign is the same,” He pointed towards the folding chalkboard sign out front, still advertising the day’s special in looped script.

“But the lamps are lit,” Donald noticed. “Who would be here to light them?”

“Or to make sure they don’t catch fire,” Goofy agreed.

The blinking of the Accessory Shop sign caught her eye. “That’s easy,” Sora said as she moved towards the shop’s doors. “Leon and the gang manage all that.”

A part of her wondered if her friends would still be here. Nobody else was in sight of what little they’d seen of this imitation of Traverse Town so far, for some reason. What had it been that the man said about this place? Something about this place making the past weird? Or mimicking it? Sora supposed that Castle Oblivion decided on starting at the beginning of her journey last month, then. When she’d woken up here alone and knowing nobody. Maybe that was why all the people were missing?

“You’re right,” Goofy chimed in as he followed her up the First District’s stairs. “It sure would be good to see ‘em again.”

“Wait you guys, d’you really think they’ll be here in this Traverse Town?” Jiminy asked. “It’s all empty.”

“Why wouldn’t they be here, Jiminy? It’s right where we left ‘em,” Goofy replied.

“I, well, uh,” Jiminy paused. “Now that you say it, I’m not so sure.”

“That’s not right!” Donald said, “We’re barely into this place and you’re forgetting what that guy said already?”

“Gawrsh, what did he say, Donald?”

“Something about imitating the past, which means,” Sora answered instead as she grabbed onto the door handle and threw it open with an excited shout, “CID!”

And just as she’d hoped he’d be, there he was.

“Hi?” Cid chewed on his toothpick as he looked at her askance. The look only intensified as Donald, Goofy, and Jiminy made their way in. “Y’all are way too excited about some old knick-knacks. How’d you know my name? One of the guys on patrol out there send you?”

Did he get his memory messed up by this place too? Wait, he was supposed to be one of the memories, right? That only made it more confusing. Sora turned to her friends and found that they appeared just as lost as she was.

Or this had to be a joke. Yeah, that sounded like Cid.

“C’mon Cid, don’t you remember us?” She teased back, and her laughter faded somewhat when she saw him look just as blank as before. “We met here! I came in all lost because I’d just landed here from my homeworld?”

“Whole lotta people come here from their homeworlds, kid, that’s kinda how interspace travel works. Can ya get a little more specific?”

“Well, uh,” She brightened as she got an idea. “’Kid’, that’s it! You kept calling me a kid and I kept calling you ‘gramps’!”

“I bet I sure didn’t appreciate you calling me that!” He grated.

“You didn’t! But I didn’t like you calling me a kid, either! But for some reason we kept calling each other that!”

“Why would we,” He pinched the bridge of his nose in a well-known gesture of frustration. Just like how the real Cid would. Sora snorted. “Alright, whatever. You guys all clearly know each other well, how about you tell me how you met up here and maybe we can piece together how I factor into this little equation.”

Wait, they hadn’t said they’d met up here at all. Not in front of Cid. Did that mean…?

But before she could think on it more, Goofy answered. “I think she was helpin’ me and Donald search for Pluto, right Donald?”

“Now who the heck is Pluto?” Cid shook his head.

“That’s King Mickey’s dog!” Goofy replied cheerfully, “He sent us on a quest to find Pluto so he could save the worlds!”

“A normal dog saving the worlds?”

Donald stamped his foot. “We weren’t sent to go looking for Pluto! We were sent to find the keyblade!”

“And then what, was Sora helping you search or someth—” Cid cut himself off as he turned visibly perplexed.

Sora started bouncing on her toes.

“That’s my name, you said my name!” She whooped, “I knew you remembered me, Cid!”

“I do,” Cid replied finally. His confusion remained, however. “But uh, how?”

“Maybe I can help,” Jiminy announced as he ducked down to rifle through Goofy’s pocket, and emerged moments later with his journal in one hand and his umbrella in the other. Goofy picked him up and held him aloft as a takeoff point before Jiminy jumped down onto the counter, using his umbrella to slow his descent. “I’ve got it all written down right here in my journal.”

But then a new voice was heard in the shop, coming from the front door.

“Woah, Cid, you didn’t tell me you were throwing a party in here! I don’t think your old mug has ever had these many customers.”

“Yuffie!” Now Sora’s bouncing around was threatening to launch herself into the ceiling.

“Oy!” Cid barked, “For the fifth and sixth time, damn it, I’m not old!”

Donald stomped his foot. “No cursing!”

And Cid scowled right back at him. “Don’t tell me what to do in my shop!”

“Guys,” Jiminy was nearly forgotten on the counter as he nervously called out to them. Sora glanced over to see him rifling through the pages of his journal again and again. Something was wrong. “Guys!”

“What’s the matter, Jiminy?” Goofy asked.

The room went quiet as Jiminy held out his open journal for them to see for themselves.

Every page was completely blank.

“All of my notes are gone!”

#YABITDON #Your Adventure Begins in the Dead of Night #Your Adventure Begins at Midday #YABAM #my writing #ALTCUH #A Light That Calls Us Home #instead of the bell heartless fight again you'll get a bit of a twist with riku vs maleficent! because I thought it'd be pointless for me #to rehash the bell heartless fight since there's no real importance to the story for it #or character development or anything #:P

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rainbowdashisthebest1 · 4 years

Text

Winteriron fic recs

This is a fic rec list of some of my favorite Bucky/Tony fanfiction!

They are organized and numbered in order from shortest to longest (1k-167k). There is a collective total of 36 fics on this list.

All are located on ao3 (Archive of our Own).

The word count is listed underneath the title. (for example, 14k is the same as fourteen thousand words).

I have tried my best to avoid any stories with Major Character Death or an Unhappy Ending. So you don't need to worry about those here!

If they have a little star (*) that means they are some of the more memorable ones that I have read.

ENJOY!

1~killer love

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/20646356

“Nice to finally meet you in person," Bucky said. "If you’re anything like you were over text, I think we’ll get along just fine.”

“More or less,” Tony shrugged playfully. “Just with a little more murder.”

Something dark passed over Bucky’s face, there and gone in an instant. “Murder?” he asked.

“I’m a mystery writer,” Tony explained, hands waving. “That’s why my search history was so bizarre, you know? Gotta do my research and all that. What do you do?”

“I work in forensics,” Bucky replied after a beat.

Tony breathed out a sigh of relief. “Oh, good,” he said. “For a second there, I thought you were a serial killer or something.”

2~Like me better

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17636204

For almost a fraction of a second, Tony thinks this is it – Barnes isn’t attractive anymore, he’s not some badass bad boy; he’s a giant squishy nerd – he isn’t hot. I don’t want to take his pants off with my teeth, I don’t want to lick my way down his body and I don’t want him hoisting me up and fucking me against a wall – no, sir, I – am a giant fucking liar.

3~suicidal stolen art

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/20134036

Tony was going to kill Bucky Barnes. Tony was going to cut the other thief’s flesh arm off and beat him with it. It was bad enough that they were both running jobs in the same building, but they had to be going for the same necklace, too.

Really, the universe hated Tony. He stared at the ceiling, sending up a very nasty prayer in case someone was listening, then turned back to the job at hand.

4~Bad Days

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/11971314

Bucky likes Tony, but is too scared to tell him. What he doesn't know is that every time he has a "winter soldier" moment, he is constantly protecting tony and not letting anyone near him, so tony already knows that Bucky likes him ("genius, remember?"). Bucky finally gets up the courage to talk to Tony, only for Tony to tell him what's been going on and he's been waiting for Bucky to be comfortable enough to actually tell him.

5~Bad Scoping Mechanisms

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20607554

Like, the general public hates Tony Stark for having been a weapons manufacturer but actually he was pretty popular while he was still in the weapons industry so one wonders, who would have been a fan of Stark Industries before Afghanistan? Military, alphabet agencies, private security, hitmen and assassins? ...Hydra assassins?

-In which the Winter Soldier, aka Bucky Barnes, is an avid fan of Tony Stark for reasons.-

6~Sometimes Life Happens

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/4376774 Prompt: Imagine Tony and Bucky where Bucky works for the Russian mob and he hijacks Tony's car with Tony still in it to run from the cops. Tony wants to be mad, but really, he was sort of bored anyways and hang on, this guy's deadly, hot, and he has an awesome f*cking arm. Maybe this hostage thing isn't so bad after all.

Tony hadn’t necessarily been looking for further proof of his maladjusted—one might even argue self-destructive—approach to problems, but sometimes life happened, and you didn’t have any choice but to take a long, hard look at yourself. Sometimes, you’re sitting in your car, staring into your recently emptied coffee cup, contemplating whether or not you really want to do this whole “leading a responsible life” thing anymore, and a guy with a gun slides into your passenger seat. Sometimes, that’s just the way your Monday goes.

7~Tell Me Your Name, I Need To Know

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19907770

Tony is overworked and underappreciated, always pushing his limits and not taking care of himself well; but someone decides to take care of Tony for a change.

Tony just wishes he knew who it was.

8~Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream

3k https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322914 Bucky accidentally crashes a blind date and he's not all that sorry about it.

9~Arm(s) Dealer

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/20869010

Just Tony being totally oblivious of Bucky being his fanboy and Bucky trying to 'play it cool' and kind of failing at it and coming across as kind of a weirdo.

-In which Tony slowly but surely realizes Bucky is his biggest fan. Slowly though.-

10~Warmth

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10543758 The day Bucky realizes that the Winter Soldier is in love with Tony Stark, he nearly brains himself on the doorway between his room and the rest of Stevie’s floor.

Because that’s the thing, he’s somehow not noticed, despite sharing a headspace with him. It’s been a team-wide question since Bucky came in from the cold as to why the Soldier spends so much time with Stark, and even Bucky’s been unable to answer, though now he’s just unwilling. The Soldier is in love with Stark. He’s the sun, the Soldier thinks. How the hell is this Bucky’s life?

11~How to Survive a Haunted House

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19070833

“Lord save me from crazy white boys,” were probably going to be Rhodey’s last words. He didn’t care what his friend said; this place was haunted, and they were both gonna end up dead because Tony was too taken in by the ample closet space.

A fanfiction based on a popular twitter thread.

12~How to get away with (murder) Tony*

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/13516308 All Bucky wants is five minutes alone with Tony - is that really too much to ask? Yes, it is, at least according to the rest of the Avengers that made it their mission to never leave him alone with the engineer for whatever reason. So if he ever wants to make his moves, he's going to have to employ every single one of his assassin training techniques and more. And he better do it fast, before the annoyed Winter Soldier takes over and just kills the meddling fools. Naturally, Tony is completely oblivious to the entire situation until a mysterious note leads him to the most unlikely of places - McDonald's.

13~forgiveness (can you imagine)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17585558

bucky gets called back to the states so the man whose parents he killed can help him fix what has been unmade

he never expected tony stark's massive capacity for forgiveness to remake him

14~Not a Competition

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/16951419

Steve Rogers has been trying to force himself back into Tony's life, despite the fact that Tony no longer wants him there. Bucky makes some mistakes but tries his best to keep Tony safe and away from Steve's unwanted advances.

Features clear communication between Bucky and Tony, Tony learning about healthy relationships, a realistic approach to jealousy, and a potential bash down of Captain America.

15~These Sleepless Nights of Ours

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/19971652

It's another sleepless night and no one is around to keep Tony company. That is until he wanders into the Compound gardens and finds an insomniac Winter Soldier in desperate need of a hug.

16~Today's Forecast*

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/6830737

Loneliness had followed Tony Stark his entire life, so they were on pretty good terms. Ignoring those empty places inside of himself was easier once the day was in full swing, but the mornings had a way of slipping a knife between his ribs and getting him right in the heart.

The last place Tony expected to find the cure for his condition was on TV, but now watching the morning weather report has become the highlight of his day. Well, it was less the weather, and more the weatherman. One look at Bucky Barnes making some adorably lame joke about umbrellas, all lopsided smile and sparkling eyes, and Tony was in love.

17~This Ship (Ain't Never Ginna Sink)*

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7939663/chapters/18149251

HYDRA kidnaps Tony Stark. What happens next should be obvious—the torture, the snark, the dramatic rescue. You know, the usual. Except.

Except Bix—the newest self-proclaimed faceless HYDRA goon—really ships WinterIron.

Or: Why faceless HYDRA goons aren’t allowed to have a Tumblr account.

18~The Gift Of Care

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/19908034

Freshly back to the States, James Barnes has a lot to learn about his new world, so he watches and learns and finds himself slowly falling for one Tony Stark, who always appears miserable when he has to spend time at the Compound with his former teammates, but who still takes the time to treat James with kindness.

James sets out on a mission to take care of Tony, make Tony’s life easier in whatever small ways he can. An unfortunate misunderstanding nearly ruins that, but in the end, James still reaps the rewards of his secret good deeds.

19~The Art of Petty Theft

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15943550

All Tony needs right now is a good night’s sleep, but with nightmares nipping at his heels, he can’t do it without his sweatshirt— Rhodey’s sweatshirt, technically, that had become Tony’s long ago, back in their MIT days. The sweatshirt had kept him warm, cozy, and safe through many bad nights, but now it’s missing and when Tony finds out which one of his teammates is a no-good clothes thief, oh, they were going to have words.

20~Merry Kissmas

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/5368094

In which all Bucky wants for Christmas is a certain genius superhero, and for the rest of their teammates to stop hanging mistletoe and kissing said genius, thank you very much.

21~The Voice Inside My Head

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12253551/chapters/27844158

The Soldier is overly protective of Tony after the rogue Avengers come back, forcing his way out when the slightest thing happens to him, so it's a problem when Steve doesn't know when to stop.

22~Whatever you say darling

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/6942853

Tony has been trying to woo Bucky for about a year now. He flirts, he builds him things, he kisses him on the cheek after movie nights and does almost everything he can think of to convince the guy that he really wants to date him. Bucky is strangely steadfast in his answer though: No, they can't date. After an explosive argument about the issue, Tony leaves the Tower for Malibu, making the team wary of a moody Bucky. When he comes back after two weeks, things are a bit...different.

Tony is actually doing exactly what Bucky asks. And it is creeping the team out while making Bucky go crazy.

23~Phase Change

10k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336445/chapters/38220197

The man who used to be both Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier but now neither has to figure out who he is and what he wants, with a little prodding from Tony along the way.

24~by any other name

10k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944860/chapters/34627725

He hates 'Bucky', hates the man, hates the way it makes his skin crawl and his chest ache.

Hates hearing that name thrown around so cavalier. Hates the image it evokes.

But he can't do anything about it. His tongue is leaden, his tongue sour with disgust, and he's unable to push out the words.

Until Tony Stark rages a one-man war against 'Bucky Barnes'.

Or, the 5 times Tony rejected 'Bucky’ and the 1 time James did.

25~Let It Grow

10k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15711483

When Tony steps inside a random flower shop on pure impulse, he doesn't expect to find himself face to face with the hottest florist he has ever seen. Sure, the guy is also the snarkiest florist he has ever seen, but Tony wouldn't consider that a bad thing. Bucky is clever, funny, and can keep up with Tony's banter better than most, and maybe Tony becomes a little bit infatuated with the man, right then and there.

And maybe Tony ends up going back to that same flower shop, time and time again, just to talk to Bucky. That's not weird at all.

He can always pretend it's for the flowers.

26~Speed Dating (Isn't Supposed to Happen in Cars)*

11k https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/19388686 Tony's temporarily broke due to a scandal at Stark Industries, and with no one willing to hire him, he's got to get creative in how to get by. When he reads about a solar-powered car race that pays out in the millions, he knows he can win it. He just needs a car, all the parts, a racing team, a sponsor, a driver, and like a gajillion other things he does not have. What he does have is: one whole month, an Air Force pilot, an heiress, two enthusiastic teenagers, a discredited science teacher, three ex-cons, a high-tech robot disguised as a Roomba, and a wicked crush on the guy from YouTube. Seriously, how can he lose?

27~And Time Again

11k

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/21033113

When Bucky starts acting strange — well, stranger than usual — Tony notices right away. Their friendship might still be new, but he likes to think that he's gotten to know Bucky pretty well by then. The problem is that Bucky doesn't want to tell Tony what's wrong, even when he asks. He dodges Tony's questions, saying everything is fine.

But the way Bucky keeps looking at Tony — as if he expects him to disappear the moment he turns his back — says otherwise.

And Tony is determined to get to the bottom of what's really going on.

28~Spring is Coming

12k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17709014/chapters/41776952

When Tony returns to Earth, he finds out that Bucky Barnes died in the Decimation.

The Winter Soldier, however, did not.

29~Weekly love

12k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11095257/chapters/24754530

Steve flicks him off and Bucky shuts his mouth. “Anyway, so what about Monday?”

Sam leans his hip on the table. “It’s about Stark.”

Bucky almost snorts at that. At MIT almost everything comes back to Tony Stark one way or the other.

Sam stares at him and Bucky clears his throat only then Sam continues.

“Every Monday Stark agrees to go out with the first person who asks him out.” Then he adds, “for a week.”

Bucky makes a face at that, mumbling ‘damn playboy’ under his nose.

Steve shakes his head at his antics. “Unless they have no chance to ask him out then they have to wait another week to try.”

“Mondays are exclusive, any other day and Stark will turn them down harshly.”

“Yep.” Steve nods then stretches, his eyes become a bit distant. “And at the end of the week, he will break up with that person saying: I couldn’t fall in love with you. Let’s break up.”

30~Misremembered

14k

https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/11046240

When Loki smirked at Rogers in the middle of a battle and told him he would give Rogers what he wanted most in the world, the mind of his old friend back, Tony had a very bad feeling.

31~Scars

26k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/4799096/chapters/10983695

When Tony tried to urge the homeless guy sleeping on the steps of the Tower’s loading dock to move, he never expected that he'd found Hydra’s pet assassin—James "Bucky" Barnes.

Now, after months of keeping his presence a secret from the Avengers and helping Barnes learn to cope with both his returning memories and the modern world, Hydra is back for their favorite toy and Tony must call in old friends to save the life of the man he just might have come to care for a little too much.

32~Hate Me

45k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17054348/chapters/40099106

There were moments where Bucky wondered what could have made Iron Man, possibly his best friend here in the future, sarcastic and gentle and funny and caring, hate Tony Stark so much. Moments where he wondered what Tony Stark, who could manage to be kind and generous to the assassin who had murdered his parents, could have done to Iron Man. But he never dared to ask, afraid of the answer.

33~Fractures (Filled With Liquid Gold)

63k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10913913/chapters/24268908

Ultron happened. The Avengers left.

Tony is fine with being alone again. He always worked better as a Lone Wolf than a team player anyway. He's not sleeping or eating or resting or... living, but it's fine. It's good. It's okay.

And then there's James.

34~Far from Heaven*

67k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13808031/chapters/31748817

Bucky Barnes falls asleep with the man he loves in his arms. In their bed, in their home, safe and sound.

He wakes up in the cold room of the cryostasis chamber in Wakanda to the worried faces of his former best friend and King T'Challa.

Everything that happened in the past six months— his pardon, his recovery, Tony's forgiveness, falling in love— he's told it was nothing more than a fevered dream, conjured up by a broken mind in cryostasis sleep.

The second chance at life he worked so hard to embrace. A newfound family and a place to call home. Tony, the love of his life and his whole world. All gone in a blink.

Bucky Barnes breaks.

35~Dig No Graves

142k WIP

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11633517/chapters/26163312

"I'm here to kill you, Terminator," Tony said slowly, "does that compute?"

The soldier looked up at him with wide blue eyes and no expression. "Okay."

Tony froze. "Okay," he echoed. "I tell you I came here to kill you and your response is 'okay'?"

"I am being decommissioned," the soldier said, and for one horrible moment, Tony thought he actually seemed relieved. "I understand. I will comply."

(Or; Tony learns the Winter Soldier killed his parents and goes on a search for revenge, but ends up learning how to heal instead)

36~Such Sweet Revenge*

167k

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15146219/chapters/35123417

When the Rogues are back in the States after being pardoned, the New Avengers want nothing to do with them and as far as Tony is concerned, if he never speaks to them again, it'll be too soon. After all, he didn't spend the last year putting himself (and his family) back together only for his former co-workers to ruin all of his hard work.

But then he gets a hand-written letter from the Winter Soldier himself, apologizing for the events that transpired and an off-handed comment from Rhodey about Rogers failing to take care of an obviously miserable Bucky Barnes sets in motion Tony's new, oh-so-evil plan to get some payback.

After all, what better revenge than to steal the Winter Soldier away from his best friend?

The only problem: Tony sucks at being vengeful, but apparently he's an expert at inadvertently falling in love.

24 notes · View notes

themaskedwriter · 5 years

Text

Three Jerks

Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary – After the Battle of New York, you decide to get away from the city for a vacation in the Caribbean. But one week away from the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple quickly turns into a few years as you find you enjoy the simplicity of island life. As it turns out, you’re not the only native New Yorker who finds solace on the white sandy beaches of Jamaica.

Warnings – Angst, Fluff, Sexy Times, Cursing, and Drinking

Word Count – 5K

Notes: This is a Canon Divergent fic based on Anthony Mackie’s response to a question at the ACE Comic Con in Seattle. If you’d like to watch the video, the entire panel discussion with Mackie, Sebastian, and Tom Holland is on YouTube. Fast forward to 1:03:50.

Clues:

1. This author prefers writing angst more than anything.

2. This author is notorious for her cruel cliffhangers.

3. This author loves adding a good plot twist.

YN had noticed the three new additions to the lonely stretch of beach she’d called home for God only knew how many years. When she’d gotten off the clunky little prop plane at Sangster International Airport, she’d told the taxi driver to take her to the nearest beach bar. A half a mile later, he’d pulled up to the Dead End and she’d known right then that she was exactly where she’d needed to be.

The Battle of New York had completely demolished the office building she’d worked in since she’d graduated from college, and her tiny apartment hadn’t faired much better. With only the clothes on her back and a fairly decent savings account, she’d booked the first flight out of New York to Jamaica.

She’d only intended to stay for a week, but once she’d learned that the owner of the Dead End was ready to retire, she’d drained her savings account and bought the tiny beach bar. What had started out as a whim had quickly turned into the best decision of her life. Island life was nothing like New York and she actually enjoyed waking up each morning and going to work, which wasn’t something she could have ever said about her job in the city.

The locals had taken their time warming up to her, but once they realized that she was there to stay—and that she had no intentions of turning the dive bar into some hipster joint—they had welcomed her with open arms. Her clientele included a few regulars that lived on the island full time, as well as tourists—like she’d been that first week—who were looking for the first bar they could find once they landed on the island.

There was a hotel right next door, so most people ended up getting a room and wasting their entire vacation sitting on one of her barstools and spending all of their money. YN didn’t mind, though. Middle class working men and women tipped better than the snooty rich folks down the beach at the Sandals resort. A few of them came ‘slumming’ every so often, and they always annoyed the shit out of her and her regulars.

She’d pegged the three new guys as entitled rich men on a business retreat at first, but after a few days—and some sizable tips—she’d had to rethink her initial assessment of them. They were a peculiar group of men, and something about them struck her as odd from the very first time they’d parked their cute little tushes on her barstools. Within the first few minutes she’d realized that they were all former military. It wasn’t so much the way they looked—every one of them had full beards and their hair definitely wasn’t 'high and tight’ like she’d seen in the movies. The way they moved, and the way they spoke gave away their military training, but she hadn’t said a word to them about it. They seemed like they wanted to get away from their former lives, and as someone who’d done the same, she couldn’t hold it against them.

The three of them—Thomas, James, and Grant—weren’t a group of guys you would’ve expected to be joined at the hip like they were. Thomas was a true extrovert, and was always quick with a smile and a flirty comment. James was sullen and taciturn, but YN figured it had something to do with the fact that he only had one arm. Grant, on the other hand, was a dream come true. As with all groups of men, one stood out as the leader, and in this particular group, it was definitely Grant. Tall and muscular with a mop of dark blond hair that was a few shades lighter than the beard he sported, he was an imposing man that was obviously used to giving orders. Thomas and James always seemed to defer to him when it came to making decisions, so YN assumed he must have been their commanding officer while they’d served together.

The three of them had set up shop a little ways down the shore. Their establishment, Three Jerks, was unlike anything she’d ever seen on the island. They’d bought a few jet skis and rented them out by the half hour, but they’d also purchased a dilapidated food truck and sold jerk chicken, red beans, and rice while the tourists waited for the jet skis to come back in.

As much as she hated to admit it, it was a great idea. She’d been as skeptical as the rest of the locals, but curiosity had gotten the better of her—not to mention the smell of jerk chicken wafting down on the breeze—and she’d ventured over to give their culinary skills a taste. She hadn’t been disappointed. Whoever had taught Thomas to make jerk chicken had known what they were doing. Within a week, Thomas had been forced to leave the jet ski rentals to James and Grant so he could focus on the food truck.

The three of them came by her bar most evenings, and she truly enjoyed their company, but there was a part of her that wanted to spend some one on one time with Grant. Listening in on James and Thomas’ constantly bickering like an old married couple was entertaining, but she felt a pull toward Grant that she hadn’t felt since she’d moved to the island. There had been a few flings with vacationing tourists, but that had mostly been due to the need to scratch an itch.

With Grant, it was different. He had these old, soulful eyes that spoke volumes about his mysterious history. He may have put on a carefree attitude for everyone else, but YN had learned over the years to see beneath the surface of a carefully constructed façade.

For some reason she got the impression that Grant wasn’t like most of the men that had come across her path in the past few years. There was something almost old-fashioned about the way he spoke to not only her, but everyone he conversed with. His politeness wasn’t something put on for the sake of his business—it seemed to be as genuine as the heart-stopping smile he gave her every time he sat perched on a barstool before her.

“The usual, please,” Grant told YN as he slid onto his favorite stool.

YN didn’t even need to turn around to know who’d dropped by. “What about you boys—the usual as well?”

“They’re not here,” Grant said, causing YN to turn around in surprise.

She poured three fingers of whisky into a glass and placed it neatly on a paper napkin embossed with the name of the bar. “And how exactly did you manage to get away from those two?”

“Thomas met a dame.”

YN smiled at his use of the antiquated term. It was little things like that that had her wondering where in the world he’d come from.

“And James?”

Grant laughed as he took a swig of his whisky. “The dame had a friend who took a liking to James. Thomas paid him a hundred bucks to double with him so he could get lucky.”

Shaking her head, she began to laugh. “Oh, to be a fly on that wall.”

“I know, right?”

Another customer flagged her down, so she left Grant alone with his drink. She knew this was probably her only opportunity to get him alone, so if she was going to make a move, it had to be tonight. It was the off season, so the bar wasn’t busy—it would just be a matter of getting the few customers that remained to go home so she could close up shop and try to get lucky herself.

Fate seemed to be on her side as one by one, her regulars called it an early night and left her alone with Grant. She’d been scared that he would leave before she got her chance, but he’d seemed content to drink his whisky and watch the sun set over the horizon.

“I think I’m going to close up early tonight,” she told him as she wiped the bar down with a damp rag.

“Oh,” he said, surprised at her announcement. “I can go, if you want.”

“Actually,” she began as butterflies began fluttering in her stomach. “I was hoping you’d join me for a drink…somewhere a little more private.”

She watched the confusion on his face turn to understanding and she held her breath as she waited to see what he would say. A part of her feared that she’d just ruined one of the only friendships she’d made on the island, but another part knew that she’d never forgive herself for not at least trying.

He tore his gaze away from hers and stared at the empty glass before him. He’d known how she felt about him for a while now, but he’d never acted on it. It wasn’t as if he were free to pursue a relationship, but then again, his duties and obligations had kept him from having a life for the better part of a century. Maybe it was time to be a little bit selfish.

“I’d like that,” he finally said, chancing a glance to see how she’d take his answer. He saw the relief wash across her face as a huge smile lit up her eyes in a way he’d never seen before.

“Okay, just give me a few minutes to close up shop.”

“I’ll help,” he offered as he began to help her secure the bar for the night.

The pretense of the drink was forgotten the moment they crossed the threshold of her tiny bungalow beside the bar. Before she’d known what was happening, she was pressed up against the back of the door as Grant’s lips began to softly caress hers. His hands weren’t as gentle as his mouth as he slid them beneath the hem of her shirt. The contrast between his rough hands and tender kisses had her mind reeling.

“Tell me to stop,” he whispered as his mouth left hers to explore the exposed flesh above the collar of her t-shirt.

“Don’t you dare,” she warned as she hooked one of her legs around his waist to draw him closer to her.

Regaining some of her senses, she finally let herself indulge in the one fantasy she’d had since she’d first laid eyes on him—burying her hands in his hair. The thick strands were just as soft as they appeared and as she ran her fingers over his scalp, she could feel the moan rise up in his chest before she heard it.

She’d expected him to be rough with her, and although she wouldn’t have complained in the least, he’d turned out to be a slow and patient lover. It was almost as though he was worshiping her body with his hands and lips. She lost count of how many times he sent her careening over the edge before he finally joined her.

Lying spent in his arms, she wondered if this would only be a one time thing, or if they’d finally crossed the line between friends and lovers for good. If this turned out to be the only opportunity she’d get to be loved by him, she’d be sorely disappointed. He’d completely ruined her for any other man, and she knew she’d never be able to go back to the cheap one-night stands she’d thought she’d enjoyed with the tourists.

Forcing her mind to leave her worries for tomorrow, she willed herself to relax and enjoy the afterglow of the most amazing sex she’d ever had. As she felt her minds softening toward sleep, his fingers began to lightly trail over her skin.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked softly, not sure if she’d already fallen asleep or not.

His question had her senses reawakening as she lifted her head to meet his gaze. “I’d really like it if you stayed.”

She knew she was putting herself out there even more than she already had, but she was desperate to keep him for as long as he was willing to stay.

He leaned over and gently kissed her. “I’d like that, too.” He paused for a moment. “I should probably grab a shower, though. Care to join me?”

The prospect of shower sex had her wide awake in an instant. Sliding out of the bed, she grabbed his hand and led him toward the bathroom. As she turned on the water, she saw his eyes begin to darken with desire and she realized she was going to be in for a long night.

___________________

“That’s him,” Peter whispered to Ned as they hid behind a tuft of grass on the beach a few yards from the bar.

“Are you sure, Peter?” Ned asked as he squinted his eyes. “That doesn’t look like Captain America at all.”

Peter rolled his eyes and let out a huff. “He’s undercover—of course he doesn’t look like himself. It’s just like Falcon and the Winter Soldier—they’re trying to blend in so no one knows who they are.”

“I don’t know,” Ned said, still not convinced. “Why would Captain America be renting jet skis with the Falcon and the Winter Soldier in Jamaica? That doesn’t seem like something superheroes do.”

Peter was starting to get frustrated. “Mr. Stark told me he’d gotten really good intel that these three were down here.” He turned to his friends and began to plead. “C'mon, man. This is the first real mission Mr. Stark has given me since we went to Germany. I can’t screw this up—not like the ferry.”

Ned nodded and pulled out his phone. Zooming in as much as he could, he snapped a picture of the long-haired, bearded guy Peter was convinced was Captain America. “I guess this guy could be Cap.”

“Send me that picture,” Peter said as he pulled out his phone. “I need to text this to Mr. Stark.”

“So, if he’s Captain America, then that means your mom is on a date with the Falcon,” Ned surmised with a nod. “Way to go, Aunt May.”

Peter slapped his friend. “Ew, gross, man. That’s my aunt you’re talking about.”

“What about her friend, Debbie?” Ned asked as his eyes grew large. “She’s going to hook up with the Winter Soldier.”

“No one is hooking up,” Peter said with a huff. “May isn’t like that.” He paused for a moment. “Debbie? Yeah, probably, but not May.”

“Ooh,” Ned said as he began to chuckle. “It looks like Cap is getting lucky tonight, too.”

“What?”

Ned pointed to where the man and the bartender were closing up and heading toward a small bungalow beside the bar.

Peter looked back down at his phone. “Do you think Mr. Stark needs to know about that?”

Ned shrugged. “I don’t know? Is it important who he’s banging?”

“What if she’s a Russian spy?” Peter asked as his mind started reeling with possibilities.

“Good point,” Ned agreed. “Better let him know just in case.”

Peter’s lips formed a thin line as he nodded in agreement. Typing out a quick update, he hit send and motioned for Ned to follow him back down the beach to the Sandals resort where Mr. Stark had booked their “vacation.”

___________________

The next few days were like a dream for YN. Not only had Grant stayed the entire night, but he’d spent the next few nights at her place as well. Thomas and James had brought their new lady friends to the bar, and she’d immediately hit it off with the native New Yorkers. It had been nice to find out what was going on back home, and to hear that the city was finally starting to recover from the infamous battle that had torn it to shreds. YN had thought it was odd that the three men seemed uncomfortable talking about the Battle of New York, but she brushed it off and continued chatting with the ladies.

Thomas’ friend, May, had brought her nephew and his friend along with her, but the two boys opted to stay at the beach while the adults enjoyed drinks at the bar. YN had offered them sodas or virgin mixed drinks, but they seemed content to hang out by themselves.

James had given Grant a knowing look the first time he’d reached out to graze his fingers over her knuckles. YN wasn’t sure what to make of it, but she hoped that both James and Thomas approved of her new relationship with their friend. She didn’t want it to change the dynamic between the four of them, although, as long as they were distracted with their new lady friends, it didn’t seem to matter what Grant did with his spare time.

“Who’s that down there with Peter and Ned?” Debbie asked as she gestured toward the beach with her daiquiri.

May shielded her eyes against the setting sun as she squinted toward the beach. “It looks like Tony Stark.”

YN had been asking Grant a question, so she saw the minute his demeanor morphed from fun and lighthearted to lethal. The instant change in him—as well as Thomas and James—had her taking a step back.

Grant turned toward his friends. “Go. Now.”

Thomas shook his head as James stood up from his stool and let out a resigned sigh. “Not without you.”

All three of the ladies were confused at the sudden turn of events, but it was May that finally spoke first. “He’s not that bad, honestly. A little pompous and full of himself, maybe.”

“Rogers,” Tony called out as he stepped under the awning of the bar and removed his sunglasses.

When Grant turned around to face him, YN felt as though the ground beneath her was crumbling. She’d known that the three men had been hiding from something, but now she was slowly coming to realize that she had no idea who she’d been sharing her bed with the past few nights.

“Tony,” Grant said warily as he moved to stand in front of Thomas and James. “You should have called first.”

Tony took an outdated flip phone from his pocket and turned it over in his hands. “I would’ve, but I didn’t think this thing got good reception this far south.” Turning serious, he gave Grant a hard look. “What are you doing down here, Steve?”

It was as though someone had poured ice water down her back. Steve Rogers? The Steve Rogers? She turned to stare at Grant, but she had a hard time resigning the bearded man she’d come to love with America’s favorite son. It all made sense, though—the chivalry, the odd references, even the antiquated language he was so fond of using. She’d been sleeping with Captain America.

“We’re not doing anything wrong, Tony,” Thomas said as he stepped forward to stand beside Steve.

YN’s attention was now on the other two men she’d come to think of as friends. Thomas and James obviously weren’t their names, but she honestly had no idea who they were. Since she’d come to the island, she’d tried to stay away from the goings-on in the world.

“I know,” Tony said, holding up his hands to show he meant no harm. “The kid’s been filling me in on your little enterprise.” He looked over toward the jet skis and food truck down the beach. “Gotta say, I love the name.”

“What do you want, Stark?” James asked as he gave Tony a hardened look.

Tony gave James a wink. “I’m not here for you, stubby.”

“Wait just one damn minute,” May said as she finally realized what was going on. Turning on Tony, she stalked over to him and began poking him in the chest with her finger. “Did you send Peter down here to spy on fugitives for you? What in the hell were you thinking?”

“May, May, no,” Peter said frantically as he rushed past Tony to grab his aunt’s arm. “It’s okay, really. Cap wouldn’t hurt me—he wouldn’t hurt anyone.” He looked up at Steve. “Right?”

Steve had been confused for a moment, but once he heard Peter’s voice, he realized who he was. “You’re the spider-kid from Queens. The one from Germany?”

May’s eyes grew large and she was about to tear into someone, but who would’ve gotten the tongue-lashing was left up in the air as Tony quickly interceded. “Happy. Take the kid and his family back to the resort. I’ll be along shortly.”

YN stood slack-jawed as a burly man in a suit began ushering a cussing May, a dumbstruck Debbie, a stuttering Peter, and his starry-eyed friend toward the road where a sleek black car sat idling at the curb. So much was happening so quickly, she was having a hard time keeping track of it all.

Once it was just the men, Tony turned to Steve with a pleading look in his eye. “Something big is coming. I don’t know what, but it’s bad. We need all hands on deck.” He paused and gave Steve a hopeful look. “Whaddya say? Want to get the band back together?”

Steve let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “What about Ross?”

“I’ll take care of Ross,” Tony assured him.

“What about me?” James asked.

Tony let out a huff. “I still hate you, Barnes. But Rogers won’t come back with out you two numbnuts, so that doesn’t leave me much choice.”

“You goin’ to send me back to the Raft?” Thomas asked as he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Tony.

“No one’s going to the Raft,” Tony assured them. “I told you I’d deal with Ross, and I will. Rhodey will keep him occupied while we deal with this threat. After that, we’ll have some leverage to get your names cleared with the UN.”

Steve turned to look at Thomas and his gaze landed on YN. With a heavy heart, he realized that in a matter of minutes, he’d completely lost her trust. The look she was giving him was a mix of hurt and anger and he couldn’t very well blame her.

With a sigh, he looked away and focused on his friends. “Whaddya say, guys? It’s your call.”

“I say we stay,” James began, but before Thomas or Steve could reply, he held up a hand. “But I know your dumbass. You’ll never sleep knowing the world is in danger and you didn’t go help.”

Thomas shook his head. “I hate to admit it, but I agree with Buck.”

Steve shook his head. “You two go get what we’ll need while I talk to Tony.”

Thomas and James nodded and turned to go. They both stopped and gave YN a sorrowful look. Muttering apologies, they shuffled off toward the apartment they shared over the rental shop.

“Can I get a drink?” Tony asked YN once the other two were gone.

“Make that two?” Steve asked with a grimace.

YN didn’t say anything as she turned to pour the drinks. He hadn’t specified, but she assumed Tony Stark was a whisky man, so that’s what she gave him. Feeling as though she’d be intruding, she started to walk toward the other end of the bar, but Steve stopped her.

“YN,” he said softly as he reached out to touch her arm. “Please let me explain.”

Tony narrowed his eyes as he took in the scene. Pointing back and forth between the two, he slowly began to nod as if he’d just figured it out. “Something’s going on here, isn’t it?” He focused his attention on her. “YN, right? I’m taking it you didn’t know?”

She looked to Steve to see if he’d answer, but when he simply hung his head and took a sip of his whisky, she turned back to Tony. “I knew he had a past—we all do—but I didn’t know he was Steve Rogers. He told me his name was Grant.”

“It is,” Steve said looking up at her with pleading eyes. “It’s my middle name.”

She shrugged. “So, it was a half-lie, but still a lie.” She shook her head as all the anger she’d been feeling over the past few minutes finally came to a head. “Was it all a lie? Did I ever mean anything to you?”

Tony started to make a snarky remark, but Steve held out a hand to stop him. “Not now, Tony.” Looking back at YN, his shoulders slumped. “It wasn’t a lie—I swear. I never meant to get involved, but…”

“I made the first move,” she finished for him as she shook her head. “You tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen. I guess it’s my own fault.” She grabbed a rag and started toward the other end of the bar. “Don’t worry about saying goodbye—you’ve got more important things to do.”

This time Steve let her go.

“Damn, Rogers,” Tony said with a low whistle. “You sure know how to pick 'em.”

“Shut up, Tony,” Steve said as he downed the rest of his drink.

Tony laid a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Look, take it from someone who’s been there—go fix things with the lady before you go. If you don’t, it’ll just weigh on your mind and I need you on your game for this one, buddy.”

Tony pulled out his wallet and left a crisp hundred dollar bill on the bar before patting Steve on the back and heading toward the car that had just pulled back up to the curb. Steve let out a deep breath and thought about Tony’s advice. Maybe he was right. Leaving things like this would be something he’d regret for a long time to come.

He walked around the bar and came up behind YN. Reaching out, he laid a hand on her arm. “YN.”

She turned to look at him, and he could see the redness in her eyes where she was trying not to cry. He hated that he’d hurt her. He should have told her the truth that first night, but would it have made this any easier?

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth,” he said as he reached to cup her face. “I was an idiot not to trust you.”

“Would you have ever told me?” she asked as she stared into his eyes looking for answers she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I want to say yes because you mean a lot to me.”

“I mean a lot to you?” she asked with a huff of indignation as she pulled away from him.

Knowing he was going to have to lay it all on the line, he ran a hand down his face and resigned himself to the inevitable. This wasn’t how he’d thought this conversation would go, but she deserved the truth—the whole truth.

“I love you, YN.”

Her back was to him, but his whispered words were just loud enough to have her stopping in her tracks. “Don’t lie to me. Not again.”

He walked over to her and turned her around to face him. “Look at me. I wouldn’t lie about that. I love you, and I’m pretty sure you love me, too.”

She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. “So what if I do? That doesn’t change the fact that you’re leaving.”

“Maybe not,” he said. “But it gives me a reason to come back.”

She opened her eyes and found him looking at her with hope-filled eyes. She’d fallen in love with those eyes, and she’d never thought she’d see the day where those feelings would be returned—but here they were.

“You can’t promise that.”

“I can promise to do my best,” he said as he pulled her into his embrace. “Knowing that you’ll be here waiting for me will give me that much more reason to win this fight.”

“I came here to get away from superheroes and their fights,” she said with a laugh as she lay her head on his shoulder. “It’s just my luck that I’d go and fall in love with one.”

Steve’s heart swelled at her admission. “Yeah, life’s funny like that.”

She looked up and met his eye. “You’ll be careful?”

“I can’t let down my best girl, now can I?”

She framed his face with her hands as they met one another halfway. The kiss was full of sadness and regret, but she’d take what she could get at that point.

“I’ve gotta go,” he said as he pulled away.

“Until we meet again.”

He gave her a sad smile. “Until we meet again.”

___________________

YN thought about Steve’s promise to come back to her as she watched one of her regulars turn to dust before her eyes. She had no idea what was happening, but she knew it wasn’t good. Whatever battle he’d been fighting must not have gone well. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw her hand start to dematerialize in front of her. It seemed as though she wouldn’t be keeping her promise to be there waiting for him after all. As she began to fade away, she closed her eyes and whispered, “I love you, Steve.”

#fic

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randomgirlkensy · 5 years

Text

Not My Fault

James “Bucky” Barnes x Female! Reader (Sorry!)

Word Count - 2001 (wow)

Prompt - Because of you, I know what love feels like

Warnings - pretty much just cuss words

Hello! Thank you so much for reading! This is my first time ever posting an actually full story on the internet. This is for the 5k writing challenge by @my-emotional-self! Congrats to her! It took me a while to write this (as I took a 3-week break from it). This story was inspired when my mom went to the hospital. She’s fine now! ENJOY!

REPLIES ARE VERY WELCOME! CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM OR NICE ARE PREFERRED!

Beep. Beep. Beep.

You don’t deserve this.

All Bucky can focus on is that machine, Informing him that it’s his fault.

His fault on why you’re here.

As the minutes passed, it becomes progressively harder to keep the tears in. His long hair hiding his face from all the eyes that peer in to check on you.

It’s your fault.

This is the first mission he went on without Steve, and he messed it up royally.

She wouldn't be here.

Nobody could get him out of the chair next to you, not even Steve. The guilt gets heavier as time ticks on.

This is my fault.

My fault.

Slouch in the hard plastic chair. Memories kept playing in his head, the same moment over and over. The moment when it happened.

I’m why she's here.

-_-_-_-_-

It should've been a simple undercover mission. In and out. Easy. Then the target, a HYDRA sponsor, a rich CEO Ben Drekins, was tipped off on your presence. He was having a gala at his home the night when it happened. The goal was to attain all his files in his study. Your job was to distract him any way you can so Bucky can get the information.

In a fancy dress and in unbearable heels, you subtly make your way to the target. Ben Drekins was sitting on a barstool that’s at least half your bank account, drinking too expensive whiskey. Just like Tony, you thought, them and their rich men whiskey. He was too distracted talking to another rich man, with his rich men whiskey mind you, to notice your stride towards him, with a little extra shake in the hips. Even when he was facing out. When you reach them, you took the spot on the sponsor's right and asked the bartender for a margarita, and sat down on a barstool.

Drekins was the one who started the conversation with you, probably because I look like an easy lay. Jokes on him. “Hey gorgeous, why do you look so lonely tonight? You need someone to keep you company.”

Men like him are a huge turn off for you. If Bucky doesn’t get to him first, I’m gonna kill if he keeps this up. “Sure handsome, I will love to have your company. What do you have in mind,” just as you finish, the bartender sets your margarita in front of you. The man he was talking to left by now.

“I have a few ideas in mind,” he smirks. Barf.

Ok, Buck, the faster you get this done, you can finally get the girl. If I can ask her out. Bucky manages to sneak out the ballroom, which wasn’t that hard in the first place. The mansion is more like an old Victorian manor then most fancy mansions rich people own.

One left turn, then a right, another left, then the third door on the left to Drekins office. It should be easy, Bucky thought. Just after the right turn, he notices a guard coming towards him. Bucky was quick to turn back that corner, but not quick enough to not be caught. “Hey, you! Get out of here! There’s someone here guys!” Damnit.

“Oh, yea.” Nods.

“Yes, she was gorgeous, not as much as you babe”

“Thank you.” Nods.

“But yes, she was nasty, in a good way of course. You know.”

“Mhm.” Nods.

“She was all kinds of kinky. Full-on BDSM and daddy name calling. Best night of my life, but you must be much better. Right baby?”

“Of course.” Nods

Bleach my eyes and ears. Drekins has been telling you stories about the pass fucks he had, with pictures, you shuddered at that thought. “You’re cold,” he shrugged off his black suit jacket to put around you, but before he could do that, a big man approached us and leans toward the rich man and whispers to him. Drekins face grows tighter, full of tension. “Eli,” fake name,” who are you really?” Oh shit.

“Who are YOU?” Punch. Silence. “I,” kick, “who,” jab, “are,” punch,” YOU!” Kick. Blood starts to gush out of his mouth. Stomach bruised at this point. Bones might be broken. Jaw dislocated.

The darkroom finally lights up when the door gets open, and a HYDRA agent’s head peeks in. “Jerry, the boss thinks a girl with him.” Bucky’s face paled and his body stiffens up. Y/N.

“I told you, my name is Eli. Always been since birth. I mean I had been called Emily and Emma before.” SLAM! Drekins slams his hands on the metal table. For some reason, he has an interrogation room in his house. Probably for situations like this. “Oh my god, what the hell!”

His glare hardens. You just keep up the stupid act, just like you practice for. Just don’t die Y/N. I can do that. Right? “I seriously doubt that your name is really Eli,” he growls out, clearly pissed off. Hurry up Bucky.

Ok Buck, you just murdered to hydra agents just on the info that they suspect a girl to be on your team. They didn't even describe her before you reacted. God, you’re in love. Bucky rushes through the mansion trying to find the girl that the agent claims to have. Slamming randoms doors open. Almost there.

“I SAID MY NAME IS ELI YOU SICK FUCK!”

Bucky slows, almost stoping, recognizing that voice. Y/N, he sighs in relief, a little too early.

BAM!

Nevermind. He runs again, towards the screaming, so far nothing deadly. He hopes so at least.

“WHO. ARE. YOU. WORKING. FOR.”

“I TOLD YOU ALREADY!”

SLAMS!

Bucky slams the heavy door open, which was stupidly unlocked. Drekins pulls a gun out, pointing it directly at Y/N. Before Bucky could get to him, the man shots. Hitting her straight through. Moments seems to slow down for Bucky. After he knocks the man unconscious, he rushes to his love. He applies pressure to her wound, calling for back up into his earpiece.

5 minutes and 43 seconds.

That’s how long it took for backup to show up. 5 minutes and 43 seconds. Too long. Way too long. He had to be forcibly pulled back from you. They hurried you out. “Bucky.” All he could focus on was the spot you were at. “Bucky.” He curls himself up in the corner, staring at the blood on the metal chair you sat on. “BUCKY!” He wakes up, time moving normally again. He looks up at the voice, noticing his best friend since the 40s, Steve.

“I failed her.” He whispers out, as he looks down again.

Steve crouches down to meet his face. “You didn’t though. She’ll get through this, you know she’s a tough gal.” Bucky smiles a little at that thought.

The beeping grew faster, snapping him out of his thoughts. The beeping can mean only one thing. Y/N. He looks at her. Her breathing seems to be faster than the last time he checked.

“Y/N? Doll, can you hear me?” A large groan came out of her. “Yes doll, it’s time to wake up.” Her eyes start to open.

Brightness wakes you, and a quiet voice. Another groan comes out. Your eyes slowly meet Bucky’s. You try to talk, only to be stopped a hard plastic tube in your mouth. “Yea, I know. Let me go and get you a doctor.” He stumbles over an extra chair next to the door before leaving. You want to laugh, but that would cause too much pain. It took him about 3 minutes to return back with a doctor like he said he would.

“Just hurry up and get it out,” Bucky told the doctor to do as they enter. The doctor nods and came forward to get it out.

“Hello miss L/N, I’m Dr. Johnson. I need to get this tube out, ok? To make it easier for both of us, you’re going to have to cough while I do this.” You cough, as he starts to pull the tube out. The process was painful, and by the time it was out, you were actually coughing hard and crying a bit. The doctor looks to bucky, “I’m going to go and get her some water,” and with that, he leaves.

Bucky pulls a chair towards the uncomfortable bed. He pats your back, trying to be helpful. Once you caught your breath, he leans back. Then the thought came right back to his head.

It’s your fault.

You notice the shift in Bucky’s attitude, not that it was that hard to notice in the first place. Spy or not. He was quite obvious about it. He moves his chair all the way back to the wall, back where it was, and slouch again. He sighs heavily, “Y/N.” It’s your fault.

“Don’t you even dare to think that this is your fault, because it’s not. Not even in the slightest. You got that Bucky?” Voice rasped because of the tude just getting removed.

“But-”

“Don’t ‘but’ me, Barnes, you are not the one at fault. You tried to save me for this.”

“And failed.” He looks up, only to meet a hard cold glare, you will not let him feel guilty because of this. Bucky looks away instantly, not able to keep your eyes.

“I’m still alive you idiot. I’m going to recover from this. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, hell, maybe not even in a month, but I will be better.”

His head falls, full of guilt. It’s still a shock to you to this day that you manage to hear his next sentence, as he said very quietly. “It missed your heart by just an inch. An inch. You could’ve died, and it would’ve been my fault!” You reach your arm out, hand towards him to take. ” As I said before, it is not your fault. Yes, the plan failed.” “Becua-” “Hush!” You snap, done with his angsty bullshit. “It is not your fault! Plans fail all of the time! That part of the job! Plans fail, and people get hurt.” He opens his mouth to protest, but you cut him off before he could say anything. “And none of that is your fault you ding dong! I love you for christ's sake! Why would I even think about blaming you for this!” That catches his attention, he raises his head to look at you. He hesitates a little before saying anything. “You… Love me?” She loves me?

You blush, rethinking your words. I do love you, you idiot. “Yes, why wouldn’t I. You are thoughtful, thinking about everyone. Even when you feel terrible, Like when I woke up, you still cared for me, even when you feel guilty. You always looked out for me. You make me coffee when I’m worn out from training with Natasha. You make me dinner, even if it’s roman noodles because you’re a shit cook, after a stressful day. You’re always there when I need to talk things out. You’re right next to me during movie night, letting me cuddle you once I fall asleep. You’re always there, and because of you, I know what love feels like, and I never regretted a day since when I meet you.”

Throughout your speech, tears come back to Bucky’s eyes. Never had he thought someone would say that to him, especially after HYDRA, no matter how much he hoped for. But here you are, pouring your heart out to him, he doesn’t know how to react. He grabs your open hand, leans forward to kiss you. Warm lips meet yours, and your eyes flutter shut. His lips are kind of chapped, I going to need to get him some nice chapstick once I leave here if we continue to do this.

He pulls away, cheeks flushed like yours. He rests his head on yours, full of love. “I love you, too.”

Maybe, just maybe, it’s not my fault after all.

LIKE IT? REPLY AND LIKE! I really hope you enjoy this!

#emily's5kwritingchallenge #bucky x reader #james barnes #james barnes x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #fluff #bucky fluff #bucky fic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barrnes imagine

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jessiewre · 4 years

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Day 22

Sun 26th Jan 💜

It’s been a year to the day since we lost Nanny. That’s mad isn’t it. Miss that legend.

Woke up at about 5am because we’d gone to bed too early, but managed to power through and stay in bed till 7am. Phil got up and continued researching his new obsession - a half marathon near Kilimanjaro - and I joined him at 8:30am for Spanish omelette breakfast included in our 25$ a night room. Good deal that init. People say that in London you’re never further than like 5 meters away from a rat. Well thats like me and good deals, there’s always one close by for me to sniff out. Maybe I’m more like one of those pigs and the deals are truffles.

I digress...

The hostel manager was now wearing a chefs coat and I realised he was now the chef. What a multi-talented chap he was. I threw him into a frenzy by asking for salt, pepper, ketchup and chilli sauce, and eventually went into the kitchen myself to assist.

The ketchup was in a huge bucket bottle in the fridge and he gracefully glugged it out into a plastic squeezey bottle that he couldn’t find the lid for. Yum.

Shout out to Stella and Helen who will surely boke at that description of keptchup.

We got bodas to the Woman’s Centre for the recommended walking tour starting at 10am - but there was a big bike race on believe it or not, and so road blocks meant we had to walk the last kilometre. Phil was loving the bike race, I could see his legs twitching like he was imagining himself on a bike that moment, but I soon snapped him back to reality by power-walking ahead to avoid us being super late to the walk.

The sky was rapidly turning a dark shade of grey but Phil assured me that the weather report he’d checked stated that there would be no rain until midday or later.

You may be able to sense where this is going.

We arrived at the Centre and sat in the sofa area for the introduction, and the exact moment the woman began to talk and tell us about the community, the rain began to thunder on the metal roof and no one could hear a word she said. After 10 minutes, the intro finished and the rain actually calmed down a little, but then it went totally crazy again and me and Phil looked at each other like...hmm should we just not do this walking tour.

Another English girl there was thinking the same thing and the 3 of us decided to ditch the tour and head back the next day, while the 3 older people and a young American woman went off in the torrential rain with umbrellas. Umbrella’s are all good and well but I couldn’t see another soul on the streets so I seriously doubted how good a community walking tour would be in this weather. We chatted to the English girl, Esther, and she was ending a weeks work doing research for the Princes Trust who she works for. In a nutshell, she creates programmes for local groups in different countries to integrate technology into their lives to improve their prospects and quality of life. Really interesting! Phil mentioned that she should hang at our hostel later if she wanted as we were planning on trying out the bowling alley on site, and she was really up for that, especially considering she was in Kigali on her own and it was her last night.

The rain eventually calmed down enough for us to jump on a boda and we decided that considering the rain, it would be appropriate to visit the Genocide Museum at this point. We knew we were going to visit it at some point so made sense to be inside during the rain.

We were really hungry though and didn’t want to rush through the museum, so thankfully there was a cafe on site where we had a vege burger and vege panini, both with chips. We decided we’d try and lay off the chips for a while after that meal, it was the chip that broke the camels back.

The Rwandan Genocide museum was a harrowing and necessary visit.

The below information is upsetting, I’ll warn you now.

genocide

noun

noun: genocide; plural noun: genocides

1. the deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular nation or ethnic group.

To briefly summarise, the problems began when the country was ‘colonised’ - or should we say if we’re being honest, when the country was invaded against its will. The Germans were first in 1899 then the Belgians in 1916 and then the Belgian’s decided to split the country into three different groups. Ultimately this created a sort of competition between the groups of people that had never existed before and this was what they say sparked the issues in the country. Fast forward to 1994, and the genocide officially began, over a period of 100 days - neighbours were murdering neighbours, friends were murdering friends. Relatives even betrayed each other. By turning people against each other, the ringleaders were able to sit back and watch the killings happen for them.

Being in the country now, its very difficult to imagine it happening, as it feels vibrant, friendly and safe. But the images in the museum leave you under no illusions. People were mindlessly slaughtered, no one was spared - children, pregnant women and men. It was absolutely mind-blowingly horrendous.

The museum talks a lot about how the international community sat back and let it happen, like Rwanda was on another planet that no one cared about. There is obviously a lot of pain from that which was difficult to read about.

But there were also a number of people who put themselves on the line by hiding people in their houses and gardens, saving many lives. Unfortunately, there were not enough of those people and over a million people were killed. They are still uncovering mass graves today.

There were videos playing with interviews from survivors talking about the guilt they feel from being the only member of their family who survived. But incredibly, they spoke about forgiveness and said they would like to forgive the perpetrators if they were willing to ask for forgiveness. They spoke about moving forward with only peace in mind, as this was what would move Rwanda forward in a peaceful way. By seeking revenge, the violence and pain would continue, they said. It’s unbelievable to hear that from someone who watched their innocent young siblings and mother murdered by machete in front of their very eyes. You can’t even imagine what this person has gone through.

One of the most difficult parts of the museum was The Children’s Room. This section had beautiful photos of child victims printed in large portraits displayed around the room, with a small plaque underneath each one with bullet points of information about the child, like:

Name

Age

Favourite Snack

Best Friend

 Then the final point for every child was

Cause of death

The descriptions here were detailed and distressing.

Obviously there is a huge amount of detail missing from this account of the genocide and I urge you to have a read about it if you have time and are interested.

We left there after a few hours taking it all in and went to find the Inema Art gallery, as we’d read about it being a really cool artists space that has had a lot of international interest.

It was different to what I expected, as there wasn’t actually a lot of pieces in there - more like a few extremely large pieces, each priced around $5000. So obviously, we bought two and headed off.

Well anyway, some of the artists were there stood near their art in smart clothes and were hoping for a super rich muzungu coming in and buying everything. That was not going to be us, so we thanked them and headed to the cafe for a little coffee.

Not before I asked them if there were any female artists there.

One guy said No, the women in Rwanda seem to stick to the craft-making and THEN he said that even though many are good at art, he thinks they are lacking in passion.

I said Hmm perhaps you means Confidence, not passion.

He was like Oh yeah, maybe that.

Yeah MAYBE THAT mate.

We boda’d back to the hostel and Phil donned up in his gear for a run. Just before heading off, he finally booked himself a spot onto the Kilimanjaro half marathon in Moshi, Tanzania on 1st March. FFS. Better get practicing on my excited supportive girlfriend look then.

Meanwhile I sat in the hostel garden watching videos on how to use Procreate on the iPad. Suddenly realised Phil had been gone AGES and then he rocked up having run like 10 MILES and then said Oh also, I may have tripped over and potentially broken my toe.

He’d taken out his phone to check the map and ended up kicking a bit of metal sticking out of the group, and then he’d fallen over and made a few new cracks on his phone screen (to join the 5 that were already there).

Wicked.

Phil had a quick shower and change while hobbling around on his bad foot (I hear broken toes are brilliant for half marathons), and Esther arrived at the hostel, so we went searching for a restaurant open on a Sunday. After a few fails, we eventually stumbled across a place called Afrika Bite and negotiated the 10k per person meaty Rwandan platter down to 5k each for a vegetarian version for all of us. It was so good! Garlic potatoes, peanut sauce, rice, vegetables, fried banana, salad, plus some ‘fish fingers’ ordered as an extra. Such a welcome relief to eat something local and delicious. Shout out to those who are reading this blog mainly for the food descriptions.

We went back to the hostel to play in East Africa’s 2nd bowling alley (the only other one is in Nairobi!) and Esther made sure she mentioned she had a ‘bad neck’. That would explain her unbelievably bad scoring thats for sure. Ok now to be fair, Phil the physio also advised that she use the heaviest ball available which turned out to be truly awful advise and after a stagnant run of about 2 points in 6 goes, she tried a really light ball - and actually hit some pins! Go Esther.

Can I also mention that this bowling alley had a system where a bloke hidden at the end would organise the pins and reset them for us manually using a kind of lever system. He always managed to move his hands out of the way before the ball struck the pins of course.

Esther headed back to her hotel and we ended up playing basketball on the two hoops game with Desire the manager. Our quick game of ‘How many can you score in 1 minute’ managed to take over our lives for over an hour. My record was 23, Phil’s 24 (he’s taller init) and Desire managed 33 (well, he works there so ya know). Was addictive and super fun and I got the impression Desire will spend the next year working on his pb.

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