#trans childhood
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Preview of Sam Long’s story, drawn by the amazing Cynthia Yuan Cheng! (@cynthiaycheng, cynthiaycheng.com)
Becoming Who We Are Kickstarter ends Dec 14! Preorder now to help us fund the book!
bit.ly/becomingkickstarter
#becoming who we are#trans stories#trans kids#trans childhood#queer comics#trans comics#comics anthology#comics Kickstarter#Sam long#Cynthia yuan cheng#middle grade graphic novel#middle grade comics
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I've finally gathered the words to talk about my personal experience being a trans guy. I want to find other trans guys who can relate and have someone that will help them understand things better. I value sharing and relating experiences. Understanding others' experiences has helped me as a trans guy to put my experience and feelings into these words.
For starters, I've experienced gender dysphoria since I was 5-6. But due to my lack of thought regarding gender and my own identity, I didn't have any understanding on my gender dysphoria. There was a growing off feeling throughout my life that pushed me to realization at 12. Cisnormativie society made it easy to suppress who I am and make me partially go with what they want me to be.
Due to being in a cisnormative and suppressive society, it made it difficult for me to think for myself. So I just went by what people saw me as- a weird cishet girl with an obsession with cis men. The fat manly-looking bum. I was a target of mocking, and people would insult me for not being feminine and thin. People would call me a man- I only found this offensive because it was a jab at my lack of femininity. It was ill-intented to shame me, for people to express their disgust with me. I was only thankful for being ugly because that meant men wouldn't like me, and I wouldn't be expressing the femininity and showing off the very womanly features that make me so uncomfortable and out of place.
I didn't know who or what I wanted to be in life. Androgyny was my best bet and safe haven, since my maleness was suppressed but I didn't enjoy being a girl. Throughout my life I'd try expressing femininity and feeling good about it but it always turned bad for me- it made me so dysphoric, I felt like a clown expressing femininity. It got far more off-putting as I went on with life, yet I tried to suppress the feeling despite how embarrassed and uncomfortable I was.
I never wanted to be a mother, but I wanted to be a parent. Cisnormativity suppressed part of my gender dysphoria, but not all of it since I ended up using androgyny to escape some of this gender dysphoria. I was far too suppressed to identify my maleness yet. To the point of feeling like I was chained to the role of a girl, and I couldn't see a clear and passionate future for myself.
I didn't see girls as competition for me. I couldn't link well with their girlhood and competition, so I didn't value it. I didn't feel pressured too hard by societal expectations of women, and I always brushed it off. And so boys were my competition.
I felt uncomfortable doing certain things that were perceived as feminine/girly, but my excuse for it at the time was that people see me as a girl anyway, so I can let it slide, even though it makes me feel so weird.
I viewed feminine beauty and womanhood as something unlinked to me, it's something I admire from afar. My admiration for women isn't one of influence and idolism, but one of appreciation for their unique ways of expressing themselves as women. In ways I never could, because I could never find my place within femininity or womanhood.
I always hated being seen as attractive by boys. It always felt so repulsive and off-putting to me. I desired to be attractive, but not in a feminine or womanly way. I didn't want to appeal to men. That is where my envy for cis men comes in. Ever since I was 5, I've had this fascination with cis men. Their manhood and manliness, their ways of expressing androgyny, and them attracting women. It stirred up my dysphoria, which got me hooked to them.
Growing up with female puberty, I couldn't connect with it. I found periods and hair-growing interesting, but I couldn't connect with the femininity and womanhood involved in female puberty. It was just there. I never had appreciation for my growing chest, so there were only three options to pick from:
sexualize it
ignore it
hate it
Ignoring my chest is something I did well at- usually. It helped with somewhat alleviating my dysphoria, since I was distracted by other things. They never felt like another part of me, just something to either objectify or be repulsed by.
I didn't understand why girls enjoyed comparing chest size and having bigger boobs than each other. I could never truly enjoy it, and I always looked at flat-chested girls with secret envy.
I started puberty at 8. I started learning about periods at 9 since I knew I'd get mine at 10. I was never excited to get my period, I was only curious- my body was always just an experiment to experience for knowledge, it isn't a connection to who I am and appreciate being. And therefore, my period never made me feel happy and prideful, and it didn't make me feel like I was becoming a woman. That felt like such an off term to use for how I felt and still feel.
When I was in 5th grade, females and males in my class were put in separate rooms to learn about puberty. The whole time during a video of female puberty, I felt my dysphoria stirring with bonding about female puberty and the differences and similarities me and other classmates had. I suppressed my hate for it. I wanted so badly to see what was going on in the other room, to see boys bonding and relating over puberty, to see their reactions and all. The male body fascinated me anyway, and I always enjoyed it. I couldn't bring myself to be really sexually attracted to male bodies as I was fascinated by them and curious. Even if it seemed like it was a sexual attraction to others, it wasn't.
And added onto this, my attraction towards cis men is usually envy towards them and their unique expressions of manhood and masculinity that I couldn't get to express. But my true self was suppressed so it was passed off as me having feelings for them.
I at some point had started to wonder if I was a lesbian but I realized how wrong the label felt for me, so I didn't go with it.
As I'm nearing 16, it's been 3-4 years since I've realized, so it's still somewhat unfamiliar to me to now know why I feel the way I do. I've been dysphoric for 10 years and I've only known of terms to use to understand my feelings for 3/4 of those years- my life is still the same in this regard but the difference is that I have terms to use to describe my feelings and experiences, and others who can relate.
I worry about my past, present, and future. I have somewhat of envy for people that knew their gender since 3-5, so it's no news for them. I spent most of my childhood feeling like I was destined to be a girl and suppress that off feeling growing inside of me.
I'm glad to have been given a second chance to think and feel for myself and finally understand myself and my experiences.
My past self is withered next to a blooming new me. The boy in him didn't get to grow and reveal itself, so he was deprived of life, and died for it. But I was given the chance to find him and finally be him. My younger self would've drowned searching for him, he was too young to dive deep.
And I'm thankful to finally understand myself.
#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbtq+#lgbtqia#aroace#aromantic#asexual#aspec#acespec#trans#transgender#transsexual#ftm#trans ftm#trans boy#trans man#black trans man#trans manhood#trans childhood#trans experience#trans trauma#gender dysphoria#gender envy#cisnormativity#heteronormativity#amatonormativity#vent post#ftm vent#ftm dysphoria
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I hear people talk about having an inner child. I don’t have one inner child, I have two. The little girl people tell me I was, and the little boy I swear I used to be.
I like to think that they’re friends.
The boy is wild and energetic. He has dirt in his hair and his cardboard sword is his most prized possession. The cardboard crown he wears makes him king of the field where he plays.
I’ve never been to this field, but he shows me around and points out a million thing I would never have seen.
The girl is so, so scared. She’s a shy little flower who stays behind him when they play. I want to wrap her up in my arms and let her know I still love her, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if she’d even believe me, anyways.
Sometimes I play with them. Laughing in the flower fields with not a care in the world. It’s all games here, and nothing bad could ever happen. I like those days, as few and far between as they are.
Sometimes, though, I sit between them and cry as I realize I was never truly either of them. They comfort me silently, leaning against me and patting my shoulders. All of us are grieving. Them, the person they should have grown into. And me, the child I should have been.
#trans#transgender#trans ftm#inner child#healing#healing your inner child#writing#writeblr#poemsbyme#prosebyme#symbolic#symbolism#trans children#trans childhood#childhood memories#childhood#childhood nostalgia
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Poem time - Untitled Gender
I wasnt a boy back then
I wasnt a girl, either
A boy denied boyhood
A girl misplaced
A child left ashamed
I wasnt a girl back then
I wasnt a boy, either
A ghost of a boy
A girl misshapen
A child left uncomfortable
I wasnt a boy back then
I wasn’t a girl either
Boyhood is meant to be swinging, laughing, running
Girlhood is meant to be climbing, joking, dancing
Childhood is not meant to be solitude
My boyhood vacated
My girlhood mangled
I have grown into myself
I am the man I always have been
And was meant to be
#art#poetry#transgender#trans#enby#nonbinary#childhood#trans childhood#trans pride#enby pride#lgbt#lgbtqia#trans poetry#poem#poems#literature#litblr#writing
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thinking about these panels again today
from the comic Boy Island by Leo Fox, read it at @leo_fox on Instagram
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The Princess and the Seven Smurfs kids story buy now for 1 $.
#becoming who we are#trans stories#trans kids#trans childhood#queer comics#trans comics#comics anthology#comics Kickstarter#Sam long#Cynthia yuan cheng#middle grade graphic novel#middle grade comics
#becoming who we are#trans stories#trans kids#trans childhood#queer comics#trans comics#comics anthology#comics Kickstarter#Sam long#Cynthia yuan cheng#middle grade graphic novel#middle grade comics
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So my sister used to watch The Parent Trap (1998) on VHS like maybe weekly for several years when we were little. At first I avoided being in the room for it, especially during the Camp Walden sequence at the beginning of the film. The whole thing filled me with this strange combination of want and dread that I, as like an 8-year-old, had 0 ability to deal with.
First, I had a little kid crush on Annie, the English twin, and to a lesser extent Hallie (both played by Lindsay Lohan), but like all my crushes it didn’t manifest quite the way I was told it would. I kind of wanted to…be her. She was poised and proper, and was a Girl with a Sword, aka the pinnacle of the human experience. And Hallie learning all her mannerisms and graces to “become” Annie when they switch triggered overwhelming envy for something I couldn’t quite place. When I went to camp at 10 and we had a fencing unit, as I put on the one-piece-esque jacket I had a quick moment of elation because I was dressed like Annie in the movie, maybe with the helmet on I even kind of *looked* like Annie.
But more directly, it bothered me that there was a boy at the girls’ camp. He’s played by Lohan’s brother, and gets dropped off by accident and spends the whole summer at camp with all the girls. I physically cringed I was so jealous. I was so mad it wasn’t me it made me nauseous.
And yes, no one, least of all me, wants to be the odd one out, but here’s the kicker: by the end of summer he is totally and fully accepted as one of them and has a great time. We lose track of him as we follow the twins into the isolating get-along cabin, but on the last day of camp, he is seen hugged tightly by the rest of his bunk, crying that of course he’ll be back next summer.
Me at 9 in our living room being like “Lord, I have seen what you have done for others…”
But looking back, I’m glad for that kid. I’m so happy it happened to someone, even if it wasn’t me. I’ve drawn here some stuff I personally think happened off screen lol. She just looked so naturalized 🥲. God, what I would have done to trade just one day in my disgusting, high-animosity boy bunk for like one day at Camp Walden—stay strong and stay soft, you poor little faggot, you’ll be a girl one day, I’m making it happen.
Far-reaching headcanons aside i think it can be agreed that was clearly a very important summer for this unnamed 4-line character and also I carry them with me always.
Senior Camper portrait?
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Complex feelings, hidden delusions
...
I wish I was a boy, I wish I was your man
#web weaving#web weave#webweaving#on grief#on love#childhood grief#oc story: pathdog#Pathdog!CreatureBoris#trans grief#transgender poetry#in a sense#it makes sense in context#oc webweave
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so I'm on this app, Marco Polo, where you stay in touch with people by means of sending video messages. (there are probably other features, but I'm a free user, so I remain blissfully ignorant of them.) mostly I use it to annoy my sister. ("BITCH WHAT IF I GOT A PHALLOPLASTY AND HAD A BABY SHOWER FOR MY DICK. WE COULD HAVE ZUCCHINI FRITTERS. DICK-SHAPED PASTA. BANANAS FOSTER. DO U SEE MY VISION")
anyway, during the Hell Year of 2020, I saw my childhood best friend (let's call her Lee) was on this app. and like.
when I say "my childhood best friend", I mean the Weird Girl next door, who saw the Weird Girl that I was. I mean the girl I played with from age five until just shy of eleven, when my family moved away. I mean the girl I played with every day, for hours and hours, making up all kinds of elaborate scenarios involving our menagerie of stuffed animals. there were multiple overlapping, soap opera-style plotlines that lasted for years. there was drama. heartbreak. glory. she was the first friend I remember having. she was the first girl I ever loved, in my five-year-old way.
well, I hadn't seen Lee in at least 20 years and I was like, "holy shit! Lee!!!" so I sent her a "hey, nice to see you here, how you been" message.
again, this was late 2020.
now, I had been on T for a scant three months when I sent the first message, so I was a mere baby child, relative to the gruff manly man I am now. no beard, my voice had only started to wobble, still had tits... you get it. keep this in mind, it'll be important later.
I never heard back from her, but we're both Old, so I was like "eh, she probably forgot she installed the app" and forgot about it. we'd exchanged text messages at some point during the Hell Year, but like many people my age she doesn't really text, and I'm not calling anyone if I don't have to, so our communication had been sporadic, at best.
well. today I got a notification that she sent me a reply on Marco Polo.
I figured, well, she's replying to me 3.5 years late, but better late than never. I have ADHD and no friendship degradation mechanic, so I'm excited! yay! friend! :D
and then I remember. "...oh shit. she doesn't know I'm trans."
so. the thing is. I'm from Mississippi, which is. very very fucking conservative. I know Lee grew up Southern Baptist. I also know she's still living in the same town where we grew up and where she eventually graduated from high school and college. last I checked she was still attending the same Southern Baptist church where she grew up and her remaining living parent is still living in Lee's childhood home.
so this is either going to be Fine or it's going to be a disaster. lol.
in thinking it through, I figure either she's seen my updated profile pic, where I have the beard etc., or she hasn't. so either she's going to acknowledge this change or she isn't. okay. these are the possibilities. so I watch the message.
...the secret third option is... she seems to not realize when I sent the message? "sorry, I missed this when I was at work!" girl. what? I mean, you probably did miss it while you were at work... three and a half years ago. possibly she meant to reply to someone else and got me instead?
whatever. who knows. doesn't matter.
because I have the opportunity to do the funniest fucking thing in the world now
#covington-shenanigans gets personal#story time#marco polo#trans stuff#childhood friends#trans man#transmasc#trans men
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Here's the latest strip of my webcomic, TransLucid! You can read more of it on DeviantArt or ComicFury.
#trans#transgender#webcomic#comic#comic strip#lucid dreams#tresenella#translucid#artpost#ranma#childhood#90s#flashback
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“Add her to the list of women we won’t publicly castigate because she wears the correct colors and says the correct things! She’s a good’un because she does what’s popular right now, so we’ve decided she should remain free from harassment.” 🙄
Like yeah, of course she’s going to want to protect trans kids, she has one. Keeping the machine going is probably very important to her.
#radical feminism#terfs do touch#radblr#protect trans kids#from those who seek to sterilize them give them osteoporosis and otherwise rob them of a childhood#ka applegate
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shoutout to people who didn't always know actually. shoutout to those that didn't have dysphoria since childhood or know something was different about them or act different or be noticeably queer. i can't be the only one and i love you
i love you <3
#i only found out being something other than cishet was a thing about three years ago! of my own volition! reading fanfic and being a kid!#that being said i dont remember a lot of my childhood [probably due to trauma]#but even now...i feel a little invalid for not being able to say ive always felt different#so hi hello i love you lets hold hands and watch the sun rise#transgender#queer#trans positivity#queer positivity#pansexual#< because i am and this is about that#i hope these are the right tags i am so aa...
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Did anyone pick up on a lil’ headcanon I may or may not have shoved into this comic? 👀
Masterpost | Prev | Next
#kendratello childhood au#rottmnt kendra#rottmnt leonardo#rottmnt fan comic#rottmnt comic#trans leonardo
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Some people have kids because they want a slave...
....Think for a second
The obsession with punishment and discipline and "teaching them a lesson" often in brutal, unforgiving ways that don't teach them to follow their internal guide, but to fear your wrath if they do something you might perceive as wrong
The lack of respect for their bodily autonomy, their feelings, and their personhood
Treating everything they do or say like it's beneath consideration or without any value or significance if it does not serve you in some immediate gratifying way
The overemphasis on obedience being a central factor to how much moral worth they have as a human being
Using the provision of basic necessities(food housing, clothing) to justify mistreating them, treating the provision as something that can be withheld if they misbehave or "step out of line"
Believing their child is somehow always up to no good for no certifiable reason, to justify invading their privacy, denying them access to their social circles and means of communication
Publicly shaming or humiliating their child on camera and posting it on the internet in order to get them to behave in the ways you want them to
Soliciting their child's opinion, then yelling at them for disagreeing with you or "talking back". Also ranting at length about things they know their kids disagree with them about until their kid finally reaches a breaking point and says something, at which point, they're horrible combative children for constantly arguing with you
Treating their emotions as frivolous and pointless, or a sign of weakness not to be expressed freely and openly, forcing them to walk on eggshells around you for fear that anything could potentially set you off
Frequently telling them how lucky they are to not be physically abused. also not telling you what made them angry, leaving you not knowing what it was that upset them and them deliberately not telling you when you inquire about it
Using the excuse "I am your parent, so I know what's best for you" in order to force children to do something that is only meant to make the parent feel in control, and not for their child's well-being.
alluding that you are the sole reason why they can’t do whatever the hell they want and wished you didn’t even exist so they can have more freedom. (This one hits close to home for me)
These types of parents get off on this, literally...in an almost pornographic way it would seem, by pushing around, harming, and denigrating someone who's smaller and weaker than them, by exerting power and control over a little human being who is unable or unwilling to fight back against them, all so they can flex their big boy muscles, all so they can prove they have dominion over you and show you that you have no power to do anything about it, and then deluding themselves about how it's all about "discipline" or "teaching" so they don't feel bad about it
Does it make you feel so fucking powerful??
Does it make you feel so in control??
Does it make you feel so badass??
abusing and traumatizing a vulnerable little person half your fucking size and feasibly being able to get away with it under the guise of "discipline" with no reproach or recourse because you can't or refuse to deal with your own emotional damage??
Demon behavior.
#parenting#parenting discourse#lgbt#gay#lgbtqia#queer#trans#discourse#tw child abuse#txt post#cycle breaker#neurodivergent#adhd tag#adhd stuff#autism#actually autistic#tw abuse#authoritarianism#childhood trauma#lgbtq community#tw parents#tw childhood trauma#tw childhood abuse#tw childhood neglect
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I think a lot of homophobes and transphobes don't just feel hatred toward queer people, but they genuinely fear us in an almost literal sense, and so they assume the inverse is true for gay and trans people.
I think that's why you have so many cishet people who smugly say that they're going to make queer people angry, afraid, "triggered" by displays of heterosexuality and/or displays of traditional gender - they think we aren't used to living in a cishet world, that we fear cishet people for their identities as much as they fear us for ours.
#gay#queer#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#homophobia#homophobia tw#transphobia#transphobia tw#queerphobia#queerphobia tw#just saw somebody brag that they're going to trigger the queers by... making straight art????#buddy i grew up indulging in straight media like...? how is that going to offend people?#the idea seems to be that queer people fear straightness because the queerphobe can genuinely fear queerness#does this make sense.#bro one of my favourite childhood movies was about a heterosexual couple and i ate that shit up (imagining 'what if i was the man...')#obviously this isn't going to apply across the board but i've noticed it A Lot
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