shoutout to people who didn't always know actually. shoutout to those that didn't have dysphoria since childhood or know something was different about them or act different or be noticeably queer. i can't be the only one and i love you

i love you <3

Might be getting too into philosophy here but love, in Christianity, is generally regarded as being inherently pure and holy. Its the greatest virtue. Typically angels are made from love, and demons are angels who have lost God's love. Going off of Paradise Lost, (which was an influence for GO) angels CAN experience love, but not quite in the same way humans do, and demons can't experience it at all. Eros is essential for humans but angels don't need it, and for demons it's twisted and corrupted into lust, a sin. That's generally the agreement. I think when Crowley thinks of love his first thought is about God. Demons have lost God's love and are unforgivable, forgiveness is an act of love, he rejects love the way he refuses to be forgiven. Romantic love might be like imagination; something he unknowingly picked up from his time among humans.

nope youre good anon, i live for philosophy!!!✨ apologies for taking so long to answer, ive been a bit ask-ed out today, until now!!!

see, im a little conflicted on this - not at all to invalidate any of what you've said, not at all - but im firmly in the camp of not devoutly referring to any texts that inspired GO to actually analyse or parse out GO themes and narratives, if that makes sense. ie, for me personally, if it's not explicit or even implicit in the GO canon, it's up to interpretation... if at all interested, might be worth checking this out which talks about inspiration for GO but not necessarily following it as the blueprint; it was worded far better than i could put it.

but you're right, paradise lost is obviously a significant inspiration for GO. now, ive only read PL once (at like 15? for school) so bear with me on this, ive had to reacquaint myself with it slightly. my recollection of the theme of love in PL is exactly as you've said; that the wider concept of love is what is experienced by angels, that it's virtuous and divine, directly gifted by god, and is embodied in the angels specifically, but also represented through the eventuality of jesus' self-sacrifice. but the element of romantic love, or at least a more human love, is explored with adam and eve. whilst milton put forward a framing of their romantic love that wasn't considered sinful because it was borne of something pure, ultimately it led to their own respective original sins in disobeying god, and facing the repercussions of knowledge.

so i don't disagree with you that crowley possibly first thinks of love as being linked to god which, as far as we know, he isn't, and lost that when he fell. the last time he would have felt anything akin to that kind of love was when he was an angel. this is what i was getting at in my last ask; that he may have once felt it in the abstract and from god, but no longer does. but we know that he must feel something somewhat like love, if not love itself or love of a different kind, in how he views and treats humanity, and aziraphale - because whilst the latter specifically may not be identified as romantic love until ep5, he has certainly cared for him beyond mere fondness for at least a couple of centuries, give or take.

so unless otherwise countered by anything directly from GO (again, happy to be corrected but i don't recall this being directly discussed in the book), my personal thought is that crowley can evidently feel love and has on average always been able to - and possibly by extension so can other demons. but, a) he doesn't inherently experience it the same way angels do (demonstrated in s1 in the Bentley with aziraphale), and b) as you say, he's had the experience of being on earth, so that love has by all accounts been 'kept alive' through them, an experience unique only to him.

but my thought is also that other demons, however, whatever love they can feel, can't put it anywhere like crowley can, and so it dwindles down into being dormant. that's my interpretation anyway, because lest we forget - we have seen that beelzebub was able to feel (as we understand it anyway) love come the end of ep6, and they didn't have the same experience on earth as crowley... so in eventual conclusion to that thought, i think GO demons still can love, but it doesn't have anywhere to go - until it does - and so the ability has withered away over the millennia.

not sure if that answered you or clarified anything, but i love discussing this so hop back if not!!!✨

first day back in my dorm before school starts back up! winter break was so so ... its great to see the fam and the dog but, and im about to play the worlds tiniest violin, not having a room was helll! just not having a personalized, designated space for myself to decompress, to be alone, to have privacy to call boyfie (& not being able to smoke openly wah wah), was not fun at all and definitely started to wear on me and it was definitely obvious that that was happening! so i feel bad now that im back in my dorm because i got just what i wanted and i feel like a little girl who threw a tantrum. its not like i was walking around moping and complaining, i kept most of my discomfort and dissatisfaction to myself , but if im upset you're gonna know its just the way my face is. anywho its really not that big of a deal. but my aunt just came back from washington two days ago and my grandmas bday is tmrw so i feel bad for leaving but i cant really do much about that i have to go to school. its so weird being back in a way because ive been longing to be back for the past few weeks and now im here and its like okay now what ..? i feel like i really got tunnel vision i was just thinking "x days until i leave" instead of "x days until class starts". and my roomie isnt back yet and boyfies back in maryland so im like in limbo it feels like. im excited to see roomie but its also so heartbreaking because the "distance" between us is increasing and becoming visible for me, when i would just ignore it before. im manufacturing it i know at least somewhat but its so clear they love eachother so much more than either of them care for me. and that in itself is fine i mean what are you gonna do but why and how and when did three become two? a doesnt want me around ill say it here. the difference in our birthday posts was for some reason such an eye opener, i feel like it really shouldnt be but i cant help but magnify any perceived slight. im a private story and spam account bday post friend to everyone but i posted everyone on my main with a cute song and everything like its the thought and care behind the action. but its also literally like girl who even cares. but the way she is always posting about her "bestfriend" like hello im here too? or so i thought? like she doesnt tell me anything anymore ignores me in the groupchat. and now roomie is too so another one bites the dust i felt like she was my only grounding person but i just dont trust her the same. i dont trust anyone the same and its starting to scare me. i just work off the assumption everyones lying, no one has my best interest like i have theirs. i cant even turn to boyfie anymore i know im lying to myself and hes even said before his best friend comes first. and im not mad or upset about it. i just dont like when i share these insecurities with him hes so quick to "you have me" but i dont and i know it and he has to know it too. i just miss feeling loved. truly knowing that i have people in my corner. i tell myself i do when i need it but in the back of my mind i know im lying to myself. or at least i i tell myself i am. i have to invalidate every thought i have to doubt to second guess to "well xyz" but yeah its whatever but also not

What are your thoughts abot the recent news about mingyu being a school bully?

hi! so i wasn’t going to be commenting on this but i’ve spoken to a few friends about this and i figured id put my thoughts out there in case anyone is feeling anxious and hopefully it can ease their minds a little bit. 

ive looked into the situation and understand that there is still a lot that isn’t clear, a lot that was lost in translation, and some aspects that are highly circumstantial and based in perspective. i’m not about to comment or invalidate/validate any single direction/statement/thought process. what i will say is i think bullying is awful and no aspect of it, no matter when it occurred or the circumstances, should be excused. being an idol does not give anyone a free pass to not accept responsibility for their actions when called out. 

what i will say is that if you’re struggling with this recent news i hope it brings to light the flexibility we need to have when understanding/perceiving our idols. when i heard about this situation, and pretty much every single bullying scandal ever in kpop, i wasn’t shocked. people are capable of doing stupid, awful, and mean things -- especially when we are young. i always struggle to feel pressed whenever news like this comes out (and maybe this is a personal flaw of mine) but i personally do not have the energy to try and hold a third person account of something that happened 10+ years ago over a person who has performed a lot of good now in their adult life. i dont say that in an attempt to invalidate the victim’s experiences because no matter how incidental, unintentional, or minor such an act was on mingyu’s end in terms of bullying -- that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have long lasting effects on someone else’s self-esteem and mental health. with that being said, i try to be empathetic to all perspectives in this situation because the reality is everyone is capable of hurting others. there are people i know who have hurt me deeply that i wouldn’t fault now for their actions, and similarly there are a lot of things ive done that i deeply regret and i simply hope that if i were ever in mingyu’s position that those who ive intentionally/unintentionally hurt would offer me even just a small bit of human forgiveness and understanding as as we both reflect on the situation as adults. i honestly just see the victim’s own personal attempt at speaking about her situation as an attempt to process her own trauma with the situation, and i think stan/idol culture is skewing our ability to accept this reality while also understanding that our idols can still be redeemable years after doing those things. i don’t think it’s particularly fair that we’re using the victim’s attempt at airing out her grievances as a kind of fandom fuel. i feel this way whenever there is a serious issue in kpop. i feel like it should be a given that our idols could be capable of these things, and that we shouldn’t take these scandals with actual important issues to discuss as merely a “fandom” issue. like even tho i don’t hate mingyu now, nor do i feel like i need to choose whether or not i should unstan svt -- that doesn’t mean i can’t empathize or validate the victim’s experiences. tbh to me it just feels tone deaf. like “i see mingyu all the time and it hurts because no one knows what i’ve gone through and he’s being put on this pedestal as a perfect human being who can do no wrong meanwhile im still trying to process a lot of personal issues” and instead of being like “wow that must be difficult and seeing him must be super counterproductive to any progress you try to make. it must feel like for every two steps you take you take three back and simply by hearing him sing on the radio” -- fandom culture now pits these two people against each other, either paints her as solely a victim and now mingyu as the villain or vice versa where she’s attempting slander and mingyu still cant do no wrong. like tbh i think it’d be super validating to her if, adult mingyu now, addressed what he had done in the past and asked for forgiveness and promised her that the person she sees now succeeding isn’t the same person who hurt her all those years ago. maybe shed be able to hear svt songs and not have it set her progress back. i just don’t think the way fandom handles these things is fair if i am being honest, and i think it’s possible to wish for the best for both of them. 

i think the biggest thing people struggle in these situations is having to face the reality that maybe our idols aren’t good people. to that i have to say that the reality is more than likely far less exciting than that. mingyu, the rest of svt, and every idol out there are not extraordinarily good or bad people. they’re just people we’ve stumbled across that we’ve gotten attached to. they’re likable people but they’re also flawed. i don’t think a person needs to be perfect in order to be likable, and i think it’s possible to hold our idols accountable for their mistakes while also investing in their success. its just what humans do. 

Hello imane! Because of the pandemic, I still have all my uni classes online & idk ive been feeling v stuck in life like ik everyone has and im v privileged compared to alot of people but just submitting assignments in the same old home environment everyday. Ik we all have to get through this but life feels joyless and dull. Just endlessly depressing. So i wanted to ask u how u idk made life exciting while u were working from home? Like any rituals or a routine or hobbies?

hi angel! tbh i don’t know if i’ve suceeded in making my home life very exciting in the last year, but there are a few things that helped. my desk used to face a wall and it got really old after a couple of weeks of always staring at purple paint all day long so i turned my desk around to face the window, and surprisingly that helped a lot. having the cats around definitely do a lot of good things for my mind too. i decluttered my space, i burn a candle every day, got a lot of comfy clothes to wear around the house. i also take showers during my lunch break lol. i have a thing for fancy drinks so i got myself quite the selection of teas, coffees and various drinks to prepare at different points throughout the day. taking walks got real old bc living in the city means taking ugly street upon ugly street for little pay-off so i don’t really have that outlet akjkfjgld. one thing that really helped me was making my own food and be diligent with my meals by making sure i was treating myself to things i wanted to eat and by trying new meals and prepping my own pickles and fermented foods! i feel proud of myself even when i make a sandwich bc i can put in stuff i pickled myself etc, and it constitutes a highlight of my day even if it’s based on something i made many days ago. i make sure i talk to my friends every day, even if it’s just to share memes. i’d say just little things make a whole lot of difference when you add them up. starting tomorrow i’m going to do that 30 day yoga challenge thing by adrienne something something because to be honest i have a LONG way to go when it comes to my physical health and i really need to start generating happy hormones by working out and involving myself physically into activities. as far as food for thought is concerned i’ve been following a lot of webinars on decolonisation, anti-racism and stuff, it’s a topic i’ve always been interested in and i feel very lucky to be able to assist to so many online conferences where scholars and activists come together to share their expertise.

as far as hobbies are concerned, i’ve taken up playing electric guitar a few weeks ago and i’m getting back into drawing and painting a little, but i wouldn’t say it’s something i’m doing to alleviate the constraints of working from home if that makes any sense, it’s more part of a long-term plan to be more creative. and as usual i read a lot! reading is my favorite thing to do, especially now that life is so boring and monotonous. fiction is literally making me feel alive by proxy as pathetic as it sounds lmao. but i’m not berating myself for that, and neither should you. yes there is a mountain of privilege involved in being able to work or study from home when so many are at the end of their rope. however, it does not invalidate the fact that after nearly a year of repetitive lockdowns, isolation and general threat to mental and physical health, there is a lot of people who feel at the end of their rope and are still trying to find the silver lining somewhere. i think a lot of people have started journaling, which is cool, and jotting down stuff they feel grateful about, which works for some people but for me it’d be counterproductive. it all comes down to trial and error and see what makes you feel alive. lately even doing my laundry has been a highlight of my days bc i love the smell of cleanliness (it’s the virgo in me...).

last but not least u can join our book club~ the link is in the bio. to be honest it’s a book club but it’s not mandatory to read, there are plenty of channels and it’s a nice occasion to chat with people about common interests. if you feel like socialising that is <3 just being able to chat about this or that w/ cool people in a positive space does wonder for my feelings of depression and loneliness.

ok i typed a lot but idk if this has been of any help lol i’m a boring person and i don’t do any spiritual stuff or think about mindfulness at all and i’ve got a laundry list of issues to deal with so i don’t even feel qualified to share advice but at the end of the day i just wanted to tell u that i wish u the best and that u find ur cruising speed, and that if u do and lose it for a bit, it doesn’t mean that u can’t get back on track!! i wish the both of us and everybody else a better future

Hfhdj hello!! I just wanna say ur blog seems rly nice and it's rly helpful, which is why i'm sendign this wah,, my best friend just figured out that he probably has did !! Ive met some of the alters in their system and I love them all,,, Ive been as supportive as I can but I was wondering if u had any advice on how to make sure they feel rly accepted and loved! Again ur blog is super nice aaaa have a good day !!

Aww this warms my heart 💜 I will start this by saying each system (and alter for that matter) is different and will have their own view on what supportive looks like!

That being said, we CAN tell you our experience or at least what we think supported/supportive, as well as some red flags to look out for that you may need to take a step back/the system is being toxic to you(because that can be true)

1. No alter is purely evil, they may act out but it’s because they’ve been hurt before in the past

🟥 An alter’s abuse should never be okay, and every other alter should take charge of whatever consequences may come of another alter’s bad behavior, no “it wasn’t me it was my alter!” See system responsibility

🔴 (for systems) it is your responsibility as a system to not abuse anyone else, not taking responsibility for your or another alter’s actions is being just as bad as the person who abused you. And yes, it is that serious.

2. Don’t willfully try and trigger out alters, if they tell you their triggers, even if the triggers are “positive” it’s still not a great experience for any alters involved.

2 1/2. Don’t ask the person who is fronting if someone else can front instead, it’s like showing up to a gathering and someone going “uh can you leave I wanted to see your sister instead” like no I’m here wtf)

3. Treat them as separate people, even though they look to you like facets of the host they are in their own sense people

4. Generally it’s a respectful thing to ask “who’s fronting?” (Don’t ask “who are you right now?”because, “I’m always me?” Is almost guaranteed to be the answer)

4 1/2. You may not always get a straightforward answer, sometimes switches take a long time and we can be a bit blendy, this doesn’t make their DID invalid.

5. NEVER ASK ABOUT WHAT THEIR TRAUMA WAS unless they tell you willingly, it’s private information and because of the DID chances are whoever you’re talking to doesn’t know the full story because...that’s how it works..?

6. Stay calm through switches. Sometimes they can take hours sometimes they can take minutes. Don’t try and rush them out of it because chances are you’ll make it worse. Don’t touch them unless you have gotten consent previously as it can be triggering, and don’t try to snap them out of their dissociation, just be patient with them.

6 1/2. When a new alter switches in depending on how good the system communication is (in your case if your friends is just finding out it’s probably not great as it takes a lot of work and time to get good communication) most likely the alter will be very disoriented and fearful. Best thing to do is pretend like a friend nervously just walked into the room, tell them that they’re in a safe place, introduce yourself, let them know what’s going on and where you are.

🟥 if they try to get you involved in innerworld/system drama, RUN. Taking sides with a persons different identities isn’t helpful, if they are asking for advice please direct them to a mental health professional. Anything else you do will result in worse communication between alter with the person and will put you on a bad side with a part of the system.

🔴(for systems) It’s toxic as someone with DID to try and rope someone into innerworld drama, it’s not their business and it’s going to hurt the relationship between you and them.

6 1/4. IF THEY TELL YOU SOME NEGATIVE TRIGGERS PLEASE TRY TO AVOID THEM AS BEST YOU CAN, pretty self explanatory, this is a disorder that has to be formed in trauma, and they can and probably will have a flashback which is a horrible situation for all parties involved. Just don’t do it.

7. Littles and teen alters are not adults pretending to be children and teenagers, they really have that mindset. Don’t expect them to act like an adult and treat them as though they are the age they present as

7 1/2. DO NOT EXPOSE TEEN ALTERS OR CHILD ALTERS TO ADULT CONTENT THEY ARE NOT ADULTS this should be a no brainer for most but it needs to be said just to be clear

8. I definitely recommend they seek professional treatment if they can, as close and supportive of a friend you may be, you cannot substitute the treatment of a trained professional. This will not only create a better foundation for system communication and healing and coping with living as a system. It can also create a concrete diagnosis and rule out any other potential factors and/or explain if there are any other comorbidities (BPD, MDD, Bipolar etc can be comorbid with DID but require different treatment than DID)

9. There is a lot of terminology out there for DID/OSDD. Check what the community uses but if they say they don’t like a certain word or phrase, don’t use it.

10. Finally BEING CLOSE TO SOMEONE WITH DID CAN BE EMOTIONALLY TAXING, BE AWARE OF HOW YOU YOURSELF ARE DOING. It’s okay that they are that way and it’s okay to step back and take a break. this is a person that’s been through a lot and is likely not in a stable place, it’s okay if you yourself need to take a step back and rejuvenate. As I love to say, “you cannot pour from an empty cup, fill your’s up first”

Take care of yourself first friend and you will be able to support so much better ❤️

This is all I can think of at the moment, I’m sure I’m missing a few things and other DID/OSDD systems feel free to add on if you guys have any other things you’d like this person to know

Hope it helps!

ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities.  A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

i decided to write logan angst :D

I have not been able to stop thinking about @ameliessanderssidesblog‘s Zoom Angst post and I decided to write a smol fic based off it because I want pain. (someone else is writing one too but I figured more Logan angst is good?? I won’t check for their fic until I finish this because I want any similarities to be unintentional)

ok i have finished and reread it. this fic is a mess and horribly self-indulgent but i hope you like it anyway

characters: Logan-centric, some C!Thomas, Janus, Virgil, and Patton. The twins have one line apiece. Orange makes an appearance.

length: 1.6k

warnings: crying, Remus says something nsfw (it’s in the original post), the Orange boy being vaguely threatening, no happy ending

“Are you sure you don’t want to show the viewers those sparkling glasses you have, Logan?” Patton’s cheerful voice pipes from the speakers beside Logan’s desktop, tinny and hollow. Logan huffs out a derisive laugh, digging his fingers more forcefully into his hair in a fruitless (“good one!”) attempt to ease the pain of his pounding headache. Patton, of course, has no idea that Logan’s glasses are lying haphazardly on his desk where he flung them twenty minutes ago, looking for all intent like an insect scrabbling helplessly on its back. Logan observes that that comparison is not an inaccurate depiction of his current situation.

“You’re pathetic,” Logan mutters, furious for letting himself wallow in self-pity when there is a dilemma to be resolved. He shouldn’t be reacting so strongly to these... incidents. Tears gather in the corners of his eyes and Logan turns the brightness down on his laptop, as reducing eye strain is an effective method of countering the excessive moisture currently being produced by his tear glands. Ignoring the mounting pressure behind his eyes, Logan clicks the smudge in the corner of his display that he knows will make his voice heard. 

---

Thomas and Virgil exchange a fleeting glance as they both pick up on the strain behind Patton’s false laughter and the worry lurking in his eyes like a small child peeking bashfully between their parent’s legs. Thomas tilts his head slightly, hesitant to voice his question lest Logan was still listening. He and the other Sides had learned the hard way that asking about Logan’s well-being when he was upset rarely ended well. Thomas has barely started typing a message to Patton when he notices one from Janus. Curious, he opens the chatbox. It’s a private message, and Thomas has to shake a residual feeling of dread (he trusts Janus now, it’s fine) before opening it.

Totally Elle Woods: Patton’s last few encounters with Logan have gone wonderfully, and he’s absolutely not concerned.  

Thomas furrows his eyebrows he scrutinizes Janus’s screen. The snake-faced Side displays no outward signs of concern, languidly swirling his wine glass and looking remarkably bored behind his mint skincare mask. Despite his blunders and over-the-top theatrics, Janus was a fantastically good actor when he wanted to be. Thomas always seemed to forget that, somehow. 

Thomas Sanders: How did you know?

Totally Elle Woods: Please, be more obvious next time.

Thomas Sanders: Janus... 

Totally Elle Woods: ...sorry. Do you think I didn’t notice that little look between you and Virgil? You’re definitely as subtle as you think you are. 

Thomas sighs, resisting the urge to put his head in his hands. He feels a small headache coming on- hopefully Janus will remind him to take some Advil later. He looks up again as Patton gasps, a huge, genuine grin spreading across the moral Side’s face.

“Hi Logan!” Patton chirps. “What do you have to say about this mask-ive issue we’re having here?”

Thomas glances down at Logan’s blank screen and confirms that Logan really did unmute, feeling his stomach churn as he accidentally glimpses the last participant in their call. (Maybe Thomas had been purposefully not looking.) “07334 :)” is silent and invisible, but Thomas can’t help but feel anxious at the thought of an unknown Side possibly listening in on their conversation. It just doesn’t feel right.

---

Logan sighs at Patton’s ridiculousness. His continued insistence on wordplay over productivity did nothing but halt their discussions and delay finding a solution. Logan cleared his throat and spoke, enunciating as clearly as possible. 

“It would probably be beneficial for Thomas to arrive early so he can be sure to claim a six-foot radius appropriate for proper social distancing. Preferably -” 

“But what if some asshat just plops right in Thomas’s space? And we risk getting the virus? And then we can’t film videos because we need to get tested and then that takes forever and then we’re losing income and the fans get mad and we go broke and-”

Logan knows that Virgil didn’t have malicious intent when he cut him off. He knows that. Virgil is his friend, and he is prone strong bouts of anxiety that manifest in rapid speech which mimics his spiraling thoughts. Nevertheless, Logan experiences an irrational urge to crumple up another notecard and throw it as hard as he can at Virgil’s pixelated face. Couldn’t he have waited for another thirty seconds and allowed Logan to finish explaining himself? Logan had actually planned for this scenario and many others besides that, because he’s Logic and that’s his damn job. The urge grows stronger as Logan makes out that Patton and Thomas are nodding in agreement with Virgil like his outburst somehow invalidated Logan’s proposal. Dully, Logan notices that his lungs are having difficulty performing gas exchange at their usual efficiency. His head pounds. They must think he’s a joke. They must think he’s stupid. 

“GOOD GOD, VIRGIL!”

The ensuing silence stretches on for approximately 8.65 seconds before Thomas finally speaks. 

“Logan...”

Even through a speaker, the disappointment in Thomas’s voice is unmistakable. Logan is suddenly extremely grateful that his eyesight only allows him to vaguely identify the others without his glasses. He doesn’t want to see their faces. 

07334 :): :(

Virgil inhales slowly, holds, and exhales in the 4-7-8 pattern he taught them in his room. He’s doing that because of Logan. Virgil is anxious and distressed, and it’s his fault. Logan’s stomach figuratively flips over, and guilt “claws” its way up his throat. Such sensations were not literally experienced, of course, but Logan currently lacks the vocabulary to describe them more objectively. Clearly, participating in group discussions when he so easily lost his temper and upset the other Sides was unacceptable for theirs and Thomas’s mental health. 

“I... I apologize, Virgil. I did not mean to speak so harshly.” Logan struggles to speak. His tongue refuses to follow his command. “I- It seems that I was, uh, correct... a few months ago when I suggested to Patton that I leave the discussion after... after hurting Roman. I...” Logan trails off.

Virgil takes another deep breath, and something compels Logan to reach for his glasses. He cleans them on his shirt before sliding them on, blinking owlishly at his computer as it snaps back into focus. His breath stutters as he forces himself to look at Virgil, who is wearing the same indecipherable expression as when he said that Logan was “lost”. (Logan perceives every microexpression that makes its way across the others’ faces. He notices the minute differences in twitches of the lips and the positioning of the eyebrows. He doesn’t always know what those infinitesimal changes mean, but he’s trying to learn.) Logan still doesn’t understand what Virgil meant back then, but he knows that it was hardly positive. 

“I... we’re going to leave you alone until tomorrow, L.” Virgil’s eyes are boring into him. It’s not possible, Virgil can’t see him through a computer screen. Virgil’s eyes are boring into him, unearthing every regret and insecurity and laying them bare. “There’s something going on with you. We can all see it. Please don’t try to hide it.” Virgil’s words are stimulating a release of epinephrine, which is causing his heart rate to increase. Logan can no longer focus on anything but the fact that his headache and his heartbeat are throbbing in perfect unison. 

“We love you, Logan.” Patton’s voice trembles. Logan clicks mute, sprints to his bed, and screams into his pillow. 

07334 :): :’(

---

pattonsandersenter: I think we should go talk to Logan...

Totally Elle Woods: I understand your concern, but denial is a tricky thing. If we push Logan now, it could be disastrous.

xX21ChemicalPanic!Xx: so we’re just going to let logan delude himself forever?

Totally Elle Woods: Unless I was mistaken, it was you who suggested we leave him alone, dear Virgil.

xX21ChemicalPanic!Xx: fuck you. you know what i fucking meant, snake

Thomas Sanders: Guys don’t fight

pattonsandersenter: Virgil!!! Language!!!

Totally Elle Woods: We’ll talk to him tomorrow. For now, we finish this video as planned.

---

The rest of the call passes in a daze. Logan eventually makes his way back to his desk and listens with his head in his hands, trying to distract himself by identifying the others by the tone of their voices. Janus’s melodic lilt, Remus’s grating screech, Roman’s booming tenor, Virgil’s soft mutter, Patton’s friendly warmth, and Thomas, somewhere between it all. Eventually, they all sign out in perfect unison, having reached a solution almost identical to one Logan had already planned out. So much for efficiency, he thinks, but there’s no bitterness or bite, just exhaustion. 

“Take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals!”

“byeishouldn’thavejoinedthis”

“Toodle-oo, plebs!”

“Don’t take care. See you...”

“Ok!! I’ll see you kiddos later!!”

“SUCK COCK MOTHERFUCKERS!!! BYEEEE!”

---

Logan opens his eyes blearily. The world dissolves into smudges again- his glasses are still perched on top of his head from when he moved them to sulk earlier. Pathetic. 

It’s just him and “07334 :)” now. Resigned, Logan unmutes and shows himself for the first time. He refuses to look at his face in the computer screen, puffy and red with a single tear carving a hot, salty river down his cheek. Pathetic.

When Orange speaks, Logan’s speaker hisses and pops with static as if it was trying to resist broadcasting Orange’s voice. 

“I’ll be seeing you, Blue.” Logan knows that it is impossible to discern Orange’s expression, but in that moment, he could have sworn he heard the grin slicing across Orange’s face. Lethal. Deadly. Logan shudders. Pathetic. 

Logan manages to gather himself and look up for real, staring down the smiley face on Orange’s blank screen.

“Yeah, I know.”

Orange and Logan click out at the same time, and the call goes silent.

---

If anyone made it through that, thanks for reading! This is maybe my second fic ever so sorry if it’s messy and hard to follow. It was very stream of consciousness if you couldn’t tell. I wanted to include some Roman angst too but I honestly couldn’t think of a good way to do it and this thing was already taking a long time. Sorry Roman stans :( Also sorry Remus stans :(

Alrighty, Nonsters.  We currently have 290 Asks in our box!  As much as we might try, I know there is NO WAY we’re going to be able to get through all of them.  Everything exploded this weekend when MessyGate went down!   I don’t want to ignore any asks just because I already answered a similar one.  So, I’ve tried to gather as many similar Asks as possible to let your your voices be heard.  Y’all are definitely NOT alone in your feelings.  Get ready for a lot of opinions on Messy’s Twitter Drama.  

Also, if you sent in an Ask and we haven’t answered it yet, please feel free to resubmit it!  I do try to scroll through all of them but it is a daunting task and personal stuff and work make it difficult for me to get through everything in a timely manner!

********************************

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’m really disappointed in Luke and this band in general, the way they deal with things. “honest policy” with messy? So he knew all of this and it was okay? Or he confronted her on this and he is okay with what she has done? I’m not sure this whole thing would be a deal breaker for me, but it certainly would make me real mad at my SO and some whiny excuses wouldn’t be enough to make things alright. Radio silence would’ve been much better than that story he posted, made himself look like a fool.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls will sooner or later become their downfall if their management or them does not realise they should rely on other things than bringing relationship up front to sell their music. I find it extremely bad that they are behaving as if nothing happened, I hope there will be changes once touring will be possible again and we won’t see these girls tagging along everywhere or being brought up in interviews all the time but somehow I’m not counting too much on that.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder if Luke knows everything that Messy got exposed for or just the parts Messy wanted to show him. Bc Luke said in his Story that he wasn't online lately so maybe he wasn't on Twitter too and Messy just showed him the parts that make her look good and he still doesn't know that she spoke bad about Ashton or how she stalked the fans also after she knew that they didn't hack his email adress cause he wasn't on Twitter so he couldn't see the screenshots.🤷‍♀️

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm just waiting for the day one of them date someone who isn't a part of their circle. tired of them passing around the same toxic girls.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls are just digging a whole for these guys and they want be able to get out of it soon

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: It was a chicken move for Sierra to do it as a reply and no one has talked on twitter that she deleted it because they probably think her deleting it is saying it wasn’t true

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Am I the only one who thinks that guys really only heavily interact with us when they want to promote something or say something about the music? I do understand they have lives so being on Twitter isn't number one priority and with all the drama that surrounds this fandom its very easy to not want to be online a lot, I just can't help but feel that way

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm talking about this messy situation (no pun intended) with my friend and she said to me that Messy should consider changing her career if she can't handle that not all people are going to like her. (that ofc doesn't include any form of harassment bc that's not cool)

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I really don't know how to feel about the Luke situation. At first I was upset and disappointed of Luke but now I almost pity him bc real or not either the management would want Luke to defend her or Messy. And I think Luke isn't the kind of person who would stand up against the management or Messy (even though it would probably be better for him if he would). And most people don't realise when they're in a toxic relationship so I can't really blame him. I just hope this ends asap.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I literally was so angry and frustrated with Luke and this whole situation yesterday that I couldn’t even look at him on my home screen, I had to change it. It’s really a disappointing thing to witness. Whether management put him up to this or he genuinely believes this toxicity is okay, I’m just very grumpy with him at the moment. He deserves better and WE (the fans) deserve better.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I think Luke really needs to be in a relationship with sb who either isn't famous and doesn't want to be or with someone who is famous bc they have a successful career too and who doesn't need Like to be famous.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’ve only seen a few accounts on Twitter who are attacking Messy and Crusty to the core and exposing every bad thing they’ve done with receipts for the sossies defending them! I’m happy that karma is finally getting to those con artist who think they can get away with anything

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: that recent lierra picture is photoshoped lmao. if you look at Sierra's hand you can see color coming off from it and her arm looks hella weird.her forehead looks hella weird and look couldn't have taken the picture because I doubt that he could stretch his arm that far and make a perfect picture. also we haven't even seen Sierra's face so I still don't believe they're together

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The Lemon pic was like a punch in the face (even though Petunia and Luke are looking cute there). But I've been asking myself lately if Luke has seen the whole drama going around on Twitter or just the posts Messy wanted him to know so the ones who make her look like the victim (and not the ones where she insulted Ashton or she made it clear that she stalked his fans). Cause Luke said he hasn't been online lately.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I mean we dont know how much of the story he truly is aware of and how much s changed to fit her narrative and get L to feel bad for her. Plus he was under pressure from management to do damage control and not standing up for his gf is a very bad look for outsiders who dont understand why she's at fault. It was a pretty neutral statement and he was obviously told to make the post so I dont blame him and just blame her more for putting him in the situation in the 1st place

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder how much toxicity happens behind the scenes, we know S is very manipulative and L is very much a people pleaser so.. and with how much they have to sell their "love" and "happiness" in the relationship. Minipulation is a powerful thing and it could explain why hes out of touch with reality, especially lately since he's isolated with her and doesnt have the voices of the band to raise any concerns and he's been getting skinny again and seems very "meh" rather than happy, idk

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel so disconnected with this fandom rn. I feel like no one is streaming CALM and that makes me sad bc it's such an amazing album. The boys aren't even online anymore, everyone is mad at each other and now Luke comes up with this shit... tbh I wish I would wake up tomorrow and see him tweeting something like yeah I'm sorry about my ig story I still love y'all lmao

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Wait wait wait wait ive been gone from the fandom for a little while now and what the fuck is going on with Luke and S? What did S do that she made a fake ass apology for?? I’m so lost please help me! 😂

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm seeing a lot of my mutuals unstanning and I'm just so mad bc Sierra started this drama and got Luke into it and I'm sad that people are leaving bc of this, it's just too much toxicity and it shouldn't affect the band and their connection with the fans but with Luke saying this he makes it seem like he supports the ugly things she does

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I am a Luke stan and I've always loved him bc he has inspired me so much through the years but when he does this things it's like...damn. I feel like he's invalidating the fans' feelings by being like "if you don't like my girlfriend, ur fake" like he has never noticed me on Twitter or anything but my biggest fear is to be blocked by him or just ignored bc I don't like her (although I never expressed it publicly) n yeah anyways :// It feels weird

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Going back and re-reading the DM’s messy literally confirms that she accesses Luke’s account by saying “we couldn’t get in” or some shit like that

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate being a luke stan, sometimes it just seems like he doesn't care? he always puts these toxic gfs before the ones who adore him and pay his bills. might just move into Cashton's lane. unproblematic kings.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: He literally posted a picture of him cuddling her and petunia within the hour

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The saddest part of this situation is it’s like a repeat of Arzaylea. Luke has no idea what a respectful, mature relationship is. We saw it with Arz and were seeing it again it’s just a little bit different. He stays being controlled and manipulated by toxic partners. I really think homeboy needs to be single for a WHILE and focus on himself. He needs to unlearn the things his past and current relationships have taught him about love because if I know anything, it’s that this ain’t real love.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Is it bad that I just want the larzaylea drama back?? Like everyone could at least agree on their feelings then...

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Just checked messy’s insta and of course, everyone that still supports her filled her tagged with just the single picture

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel like the reason Sierra is getting away with what she’s done is because she isn’t that known. Like yeah she’s associated with 5sos, but they’re also like not that big which is probably why it’s getting swept under the rug. I’ve only seen the 5SOS fandom calling her out for her actions. If this had happened with a well known celebrity, they probably would’ve been dragged and been trending on Twitter. I might be wrong but I feel like this is what’s happening which is just unfair.

ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)

also tw for body image issues

for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.

well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).

These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.

But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.

The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.

So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)

ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.

And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.

ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.

also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌

TDOE, Day 3

Here we go! 

Rating: K+

Alarik, Dag and Jenny belong to @patricia-von-arundel.

Leisel belongs to @couragedontdesertme. This is set in her “Fight for Something” verse- go check it out!

Breaking the Dam

The constant beeps and chirps emanating from Dag’s monitoring station had, thankfully, settled into little more than background noise, and Alarik was grateful the sounds were less bothersome. The tubes and wires, however- those never ceased to cause him a sense of unease. He knew their purpose- he was a doctor, after all- they ensured his son’s health and safety, as Dag had been born a month early. Knowing did nothing to change the wrongness of seeing them snake about Dag’s tiny form.

Alarik shook his head, forcing the bleak thoughts away as he reached down to scoop Dag into his arms. Settling into the nearby rocker, he cuddled Dag close.

“Good morning, min lilla gubben. We got some good news today- it looks like your Mama will be able to come down to visit you. How does that sound?” Alarik ran a finger over the downy cap of hair atop Dag’s head. “I’m so sorry you haven’t been able to see her yet.”

My fault. The dark thought wormed into Alarik’s mind, and he grit his teeth, struggling to drive it away. Ever since that awful night four days previous, his inner cowardness and self-degradation had dug their claws into his very being, further exacerbated by his lack of sleep and the harrowing memories surrounding Dag’s birth.

Anna’s scream echoed throughout the entirety of the house, startling Alarik from where he’d been sitting at his computer, drafting an email to the head of the pediatric department.

“Alarik! Alarik!”

He’d run down the stairs faster than he’d ever known he could, coming to the living room to find Anna kneeling next to Elsa. She lay curled on the floor, her eyes shut tight and face contorted with pain.

The floor surrounding Elsa’s legs was covered in blood.

Dag’s quiet whimper pulled Alarik from his thoughts, and he made himself smile.

“Hungry again? Just a minute, little man. Let me get things set up here.”

Alarik maneuvered Dag back into the incubator, then went to retrieve a bottle of milk from the in-room refrigerator. Another part of the situation that felt wrong- Elsa had found such joy in nursing Jenny, but with the number of medications she’d been on since Dag’s delivery, they’d had no choice but to feed him with formula. 

As he settled Dag back into his arms and coaxed him to latch onto the bottle, more memories flooded Alarik’s mind.

Kristoff drove like a man possessed, tailing the ambulance as it screamed its way to way to the hospital. Alarik sat in the passenger seat- Anna had remained at the house to look after Jenny- staring at the flashing lights in front of him. The paramedics wouldn’t let him ride with Elsa- they needed the space, they explained- and Alarik couldn’t stop thinking about the sight of her, lying on the stretcher, the oxygen mask doing little to muffle her moans while her body arched and spasmed. She hadn’t even had the capability to respond when he’d kissed her forehead and promised to be right behind her. He hoped, prayed that wouldn’t be the last time he saw her.

“Alarik.”

He jumped, cringing when Dag whined in protest. Leisel, Elsa’s obstetrician, friend, and his one-time intern, stood before him, her face drawn. Alarik sucked in a breath, and half-rose, tucking Dag more security to his chest as if to protect his son from whatever news Leisel brought. 

“Elsa… has something…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“No, nothing… physical. However, she just told both the nurses and myself that she couldn’t let herself come down to see Dag today.”

“But you said that she would be healthy enough to come down, right? Why wouldn’t… oh. Oh no.” Alarik freed an arm from around Dag to wipe his hand across his face. “She’s blaming herself for the birth again, isn’t she?”

Leisel nodded.

Alarik sighed, feeling a new heaviness weigh on him. He knew how much Elsa struggled with her blame- he’d seen it on her face the moment she’d come awake after her C-section. He’d hoped that seeing Dag- perhaps not healthy, but growing stronger- might work to assuage her blame, but it was not to be. Seeing that Dag had finished his meal, Alarik wiped his son’s mouth with a cloth and reluctantly set him back into the incubator before walking to the door.

“I’ll talk to her. Thank you Leisel.” Alarik paused when Leisel placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Alarik, it may be time to look into contacting a professional to help Elsa. She’s… she’s not in a good place right now. Please know, it’s nothing against you…”

“No, I know, I know. I’ll… I’ll see what I can do.” Alarik pulled away from Leisel’s hand, his heart heavy.

…….

When Alarik arrived at Elsa’s room, she was facing away from the door, curled into a tight ball. Alarik bit back another sigh, knocking on the door frame. 

“Elsa?”

She didn’t turn, but he did see the tension in her body release somewhat. He stepped into the room, pulling a chair next to her bed. He didn’t touch- not yet, not when she was suffering. He was pleased to see that she was free from restraint- save for an IV port taped to her nearest arm, she was no longer tethered with tubes and wires. Perhaps a sign of improvement.

“I can’t see him, Alarik.” Elsa’s voice was quiet and hoarse. “It’s my fault he was early. I can’t be near him.” 

Alarik’s shoulders slumped, and he dropped his face into his hands. What could he say? What words could he offer that he hadn’t spoken the minute she’d come around? “I’m sorry”? “It’s not your fault”? As if he wasn’t just as much to blame… and then a thought struck.

“I… I blame myself every day for what happened, Elsa.” He heard her shift, and he raised his head to look at her. Her back was still facing him, but he knew she was listening. Alarik ran a hand through his hair, letting the words spill out. “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be in this situation. If I had just controlled myself, showed any kind of control, you wouldn’t be here.” At that, Elsa rolled over, her eyes wide.

“Alarik… no…”

He shook his head. “Sure, the rational part of my mind knows none of it is true. But that doesn’t change the fact that every time I look at you and Dag all I can think about is that if I had just taken better care of you, of my urges, then neither of you would be in this situation. And I know that those thoughts aren’t going to go away on their own.” A breath, praying that what he was about to say would make sense, that it would help. “Look, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I have all the answers. That’s ridiculous. But what I do know is this. I can’t be the best I can be anymore, not without help. And if I refuse that help, then I’m not the husband you deserve nor the father our children deserve. All I’m asking from you is to consider doing the same. I understand you might not be ready. But know that I am here, and I will do everything in my power to support you.”

While Elsa still remained turned towards Alarik, her eyes would not meet his. For several moments, Alarik feared that he had gone too far. That was, until she lifted her eyes once more and reached out to grasp his hand. 

“Okay. I’ll talk to Leisel, she said that she knew some people.” 

Alarik gave Elsa’s hand a squeeze, blinking away the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. “Thank you, darling,” he whispered. He lifted her hand to his lips, pressing them to the ring circling her finger. Elsa sighed, then reached over to press the call button. After a moment, a voice came over the device’s tiny speaker.

“Can I help you?”

“I would like to try to go down and see my son, please.”

Hope blossomed in Alarik’s chest.

………

For the second time that day, Alarik opened the door to Dag’s room, but this time, Elsa accompanied him, sitting in a wheelchair that he pushed. From his vantage point, Alarik could see that Elsa was leaning forward, straining to get her first glimpse. When she caught sight of him, Alarik could hear her gasp, and he couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face. 

“Oh, Alarik, look at him!” He could see her hands tighten on the arm rests, and he picked up his pace.

“Hold on, darling, let’s get you to the chair first.” He maneuvered the chair into position, and then helped Elsa into it, despite her protests that she was not an invalid. He ignored her objections, turning instead to retrieve Dag.

“Hello there, lilla gubben. Ready to meet your Mama?” Dag’s eyes opened at Alarik’s voice, and he let out a small sound, question-like in nature. As careful as always, Alarik took Dag out of the incubator and brought him to Elsa. Her eyes were wet and wide, and her body shook, but when he offered Dag, she reached out immediately and tucked her arms about his tiny body with practiced ease. Elsa brought him close, a tentative finger moving to stroke his downy cheek. 

“Hi.” Her voice was little more than a whisper, watery with unshed tears. Alarik took the opportunity to drag a chair over and sat down, wrapping an arm around Elsa’s shoulders. She didn’t so much as glance at him, enraptured as she was by their son. When Dag began to squirm, Elsa started to rock, humming a soft lullaby Alarik had heard her sing to Jenny four years previously. Dag settled, his eyes fluttering closed as Elsa continued to hum, and beneath his arm, Alarik could feel her relax, and she even leaned back to rest her head on his shoulder. 

They would be alright. It would take time, but they would be alright.

THOUGHTS ON D3

(some of these may be points about stuff we already knew going into it but like now that weve gotten to see it all together its easier to discuss)

- i like what they did with audrey’s plot. her and mal’s relationship did feel pretty unresolved after d1 so im glad they went this route. not to mention being able to bring her back after her being absent in the second. also i like the message that it gave off about being able to be good or bad regardless of where you come from

- i loved hades! he was so fun and i loved how things ended up with him. and DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO WAS AWESOME probably my fav song. but i cant say im a huge fan of him being mal’s dad. like i loved the way their relationship played out but while the descendants fan in me is happy the disney stickler thinks its a bit too much creative license for them to make a kid the child of two disney characters from two different movies. it also kinda like...almost invalidates her character of “maleficent’s daughter” now shes the daughter of two villains and it?? feels different?? if that makes sense?? could the other VKs possibly have another villain as their other parent?? who knows. also i wish they hadn’t made it so obvious so early like people guessed this A YEAR AND A HALF AGO WHEN THE TEASER CAME OUT. maybe had it just been a few months it wouldnt have been as bad but yeesh. it made the shock factor...well, almost non-existant.

- continuing on their relationship, i thought tackling the idea of an absentee dad was a bold move for a movie like this and i applaud it. not to mention with an upbeat musical number? they really did that

- i loved celia too!! i was afraid she was gonna be more bad news than she was but she was super cute and sweet. loved her friendship with dizzy. and loved getting to see more of dizzy! and even though dr facilier wasnt in it much he was fun. i thought it was sweet that he and celia seemed to have a good relationship. im also glad we got to see lady tremaine! but wheres drizella lol

- also in regards to hades and celia, i liked that they brought in two more movies into the universe that hadnt yet been acknowledged (not counting wicked world or the books). i love both hercules and princess and the frog and while i wouldnt call them underrated theyre not quite as mainstream as some of the other movies in the descendants universe so im happy with that.

- on the other hand, i dont really like it when they get more kids from movies that they already have kids from. in this case, squeaky and squirmy. gil seemed out of place to me when i first watched d2, especially cuz like why would gastons son be a pirate, but since he had some funny lines with ben (in this movie too!) it was worth it. but squeaky and squirmy had no lines with harry? THEY ALMOST DIDNT HAVE ANY LINES AT ALL??? so why couldnt they have had them be kids from a movie they hadnt used yet? the more the merrier imo. idk.

- mal and uma repairing their relationship was like the highlight for me ugh it was so good. i think we all had a feeling that would happen (not just from speculation but from set pics and whatnot) but it felt satisfying regardless. uma saying “im right here mal you got this”? love that

- WE LOVE MORE DRAGON MAL. EVEN MORE THAN IN D2. WE LOVE THAT A LOT.

- WE ALSO LOVE MORE DUDE. OK SO MAYBE THATS JUST ME BUT SCREW IT I LOVE TALKING DOGS SO IM GLAD HE STILL TALKED. DOVE CAMERON AND A TALKING DOG IN THE SAME MOVIE IS BASICALLY PANDERING TO ME OK

- WE ALSO LOVE MALVIE CONTENT!!! love that evie was the only one who knew hades was her dad AND LOVE THAT THEY SAID I LOVE YOU TO EACH OTHER LIKE DAMN. AND DURING MY ONCE UPON A TIME WHEN MAL LIKE CARESSES HER FACE??? LIKE HER INTERACTION WITH HER WAS MORE INTENSE THAN WITH ANYONE ELSE EVEN BEN??? GOOD SHIT

- OK I KNEW ABOUT THE DID I MENTION REPRISE AS OF A FEW DAYS AGO BUT IM A SLUT FOR PARALLELS SO THAT STILL KILLED ME

- any parallels killed me. especially, ofc, ending with “cuz were rotten...to the core” (tho i was hoping the rotten remix thats on the soundtrack would be in the movie)

- loved getting more harry and gil content. gil is so blissfully stupid and precious and i love him and harry is so chaotic and i love him too

- and just...love the sea three bonding with the core four. also it felt well paced. wasnt rushed, had its moments to slowly get us there (mal+uma, jay+gil+harry) it felt like it went just the way it was supposed to.

- the whole series of events felt well paced and well ordered

- tbh i think its hilarious how chad’s douche baggery never dies down. i mean points for consistency i guess

- (did anyone catch the sign on the isle that mentioned monstro? good easter egg)

- (im really going out of order ik)

- one kiss was fun and cute, but i never felt like doug and evie were like...behind in their relationship? if anything i thought as of d2 their relationship was more stable than that of mal and ben

- night falls was a little silly and felt a little too similar to its goin down to me but it served a purpose and it was still fun

- and ofc it was so bittersweet to watch cam. the dedications were heart-wrenching but beautiful.

overall it really could not have been better! great new characters, great development on the characters we love, great soundtrack, and, most importantly, a story that perfectly wraps up the franchise. its hard to get a trilogy right. i love a lot of trilogies but a lot of them have some major flaws. with like say the kung fu panda movies, the 2nd and 3rd feel like theyre about very different things than the first. it doesnt feel like its telling one cohesive story. some have a second that feels unimportant to be between the 1st and 3rd. this just felt like perfectly coming full circle. everything from the beginning of the first movie to the end of the third felt necessary to tell the story. no useless filler, all essential to the plot, adding more as we go and resolving more, but having a hell of a lot of fun the entire time. i remember d2 being one of the most, if not the most, satisfying sequels ive ever seen. maybe part of that has to do with descendants being such a main fandom of mine when it came out, but sometimes, even new additions to my main fandoms can disappoint. these sequels really haven’t. part of that may just have to do with my love for the franchise regardless of the direction it goes in, but i know that it also has to do with just a great job in storytelling. continuing the story and wrapping it up just right. when the first one came out, we didn’t know it would be a trilogy. it works great as a standalone movie, but when you see the third one, you would think it was intended this way from the beginning, which honestly gives it even more power.

it breaks my heart to let this franchise go, but ofc in mal’s words “this is not the end.” with it just coming out, that means its just the beginning of discussions, gifs, memes, fanart, and all that fun stuff. so lets jump right in!

and, as always, every bit of love in my heart goes to cam tonight. we still miss you endlessly and we always will.

idk if its ok to ask things but u can ignore my friend is a rlly aggressive transmed like he has an entire character dedicated to making fun of tucutes/ppl he deems trenders. ive been questioning being trans for awhile an last year i went through a time where i played with labels. later i decided i was cis but now i realized i rlly do like being called a guy. im scared my friend will ditch me or not take me serious. ive known him for years and i dont wanna lose him hes one of my only friends

First things first: Always feel comfortable to send me asks like this. You can even PM me with stuff like this. I’ll always answer. For that matter, you should also feel free to give me any updates.

Second of all: You should know, no matter what, you are always valid. You are 1000% valid no matter what your friend says, and no matter what anyone says. You are always welcome here, and welcome in the community, no matter how much euphoria and how little dysphoria you have.

And your situation sucks. It’s not a position any LGBT person should be put into. We, more than anybody else, rely on our friends so much to act as our families, so when we can’t rely on them to be there, that’s awful. Especially when your friend, is actively making you feel uncomfortable and scared to come out. Let me know if there’s anything else you want to say, and if I can help you in any other way.

If you just wanted to vent, that’s my answer. If you wanted advice advice though:

This ask has been really difficult for me to answer, not only because safari reloaded it after I had nearly completed an entire thesis paper on it but also because I used to be a transmed/truscum (someone should make a meme of every time I’ve ever said this). Like I’ve said before, what turned me around was:

a) the realization that real life LGBTQ spaces are very very inclusive, of everyone regardless of dysphoria or not. 

b) the realization that I was actively hurting my best friend/partner with my rhetoric.

It’s very possible that your friend could turn around with the latter. The realization that you have a friend who is hurt by what you say, and your belief system can definitely be powerful enough to make someone re-evaluate their position. Even the most outspoken people can be easily turned around with the fact that someone they love is scared to tell them something because of the things they’ve said. 

I won’t play around though. There is a chance your friend could decide to ditch or abandon you. You should probably set yourself up with some sort of real life LGBT space (like a support group, GSA, or the NCTE) before you come out. Even a therapist or community mental health place can help. Just make sure you have someone. Not only can these places give you advice, but they’ll also hear you out and give you a network in case things go wrong. 

If that’s not possible though, try and create a small support network of your own. Perhaps it’s online, like in a discord server. Perhaps it’s just another single friend. Maybe it’s a sibling. I know you said this person is one of your only friends, so let’s try and make sure you have somewhere else to go in case things go wrong. That’s what’s really important. We can’t let your world feel like it’s crumbling, first and foremost. Please though, try and seek real-life support first though. Online is great, but those real-life spaces can help you get more of a feeling of connection when you really need it.

Second of all, once you have some sort of network, try and remember that the reason your friend is a transmed is probably less to do with other transpeople and probably more to do with cis acceptance. If they do try and invalidate you, it’s okay to try and be patient with them. There’s a chance that they’re a transmed because someone made some sort of transphobic joke which hinged on ‘trenders’ or the assertion of fake gender identities. It’s possible that they’re a transmed because they’ve been convinced of rhetoric regarding how trans people need to ‘help’ cis people accept them. Your friend probably isn’t a transmed because they’ve actually ever met a tucute, or been on that side of the conversation. They’re probably, if anything, a transmed because they’re scared of not being accepted.

If anything, just try and remind them that you’re there for them. Or before you even come out, maybe try and explain that you dislike the things that they say or that you dislike the rhetoric.

I think it’s most important that you know that you are afraid of losing them, and that they’re probably afraid of losing you. More often than not, it’s the case where if we’re afraid of not having someone around, that they’re equally afraid of not having us around. It’s more likely, especially since you’ve known them for so long, and are so close to them, that this won’t be the end of the relationship. It’s more likely that they’ll put in the work to at least accept you and validate you.

If it doesn’t happen though, we need to make sure you have a support network, so make sure you get that first. 

And I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. This is an awful situation, and I hope it goes alright. It sounds like you feel like you really need to come out, and you should be able to do that without fear, and I’m so so sorry that’s not the case. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do or say to help you, or if there are any other questions you have. 

You know. I know I'm fucked up. And annoying. And its nice to know that shift of a light switch from peak happy to all together done and crying like a little bitch is just a side step not a 180. But I have every fucking right to be mad.

And ive always hated. The idea that seems... Prevalent. You cant blame your parents for what you are.

You 100% have to take ownership for your actions and as much as it sucks youre responsible for your own moods and what you take in but

I AM the way I am because of him.

And im trying to be better really. And ive got a lot of my own shit going on. Caused by other things. Other people. Other actions Ive done and all.

But. I AM the way I am because of him on some levels. Levels that he hates.

And I dont know why i think things can be different. Why I keep trying when all it ever does is set me the fuck off.

The answer shouldnt be cut your family out of your life.

But honestly when something so small and simple can hurt so much and happens every god damn time.

Im loud because no one listens otherwise.

Aint that what you said to me?

Well here i am. Loud as fuck. And you still dont listen even when you say you want to.

And its petty and little and in the grand scheme doesnt matter.

I should be grateful. But yeah. Im not.

He made me watch this stupid video... Last year? and i was so pissed.

I thought he was trying to demean or... Ruin and take away something - the people who had come into my life. Invalidate one of the reasons i was even remotely fuctioning and okay.

And the video pointed out that we're all addicted to instant gratification and how the formula to real relationships hasnt changed any - there's no instant gratification in building up a relationship. Takes. Time. Asking after people and remebering shit and caring and reciprocity and a whole lot of shit that takes real and emotional labor.

The guy in the vid talked about it in the same way buisness people act like you can hack into people caring about you to get ahead and make work easier but the point was still there.

Relationships are what you put into them.

There's another post that floats around about... How. Love languages are different. People say they care... Differently. And some of it you need to understand and learn.

It matters to my dad that i have... Curtains for example. Or the bedroom furniture I've got now that i didnt have before.

I hate it. I hate it so much because like his smartass comment last night he's paying for me.

But thats one of the ways he shows he cares. He takes care of you and other shit.

To me... I need to be listened to. And being trusted as the person someone tells shit to is so important even though I'm CRAP at acting like it.

SO many people i know are like that.

If youre not listened to... Yeah maybe what I'm saying doesn't matter. But saying youll listen and then not, or brushing it aside because it doesnt matter

Its not that what im saying doesnt matter. Its me. Thats how it feels.

And yeah thats on me. No ones saying that but you don't tell someone that youll let them say their bit and then tell them to shut up.

Just tell them in the first place youre not feeling up to it or you dont give a fuck.

Thats on you.

Im just. So upset and done.

And this happens every time i bother trying which is why i stopped.

The answer shouldnt be just give tf up but. Honestly thats all the answer ive ever been able to figure out about anything.

But yeah. That makes me a petty jerk.

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

pt 1(tag maddycatty) for a while now, ive had confusing thoughts, i imagine myself in these awful situations where i'm seriously hurt. Ill fully wish for these things to happen to me, car accidents, assault, you name it. these thoughts will be super prominent for a while, and then they'll fade, but eventually come back full force. What freaks me out the most is how appealing these thoughts can be, even tho it's something horrible like being shot. I'm not suicidal, but i'm worried that if i tell

part 2 (tag maddycatty) anyone about how i've been feeling, they'll think i'm crazy or attention seeking. i'm not currently doing anything that could be self destructive, but it still worries me. if you have any advice for managing these thoughts or maybe how to open up to someone, that would be more than amazing. and if Pauline could answer if possible? you've answered my asks in the past and you've really helped me through some hard times.

Hi darling,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing these thoughts! It’s definitely confusing and I can imagine you’re worried about this. First of all, I want you to know that you aren’t alone in this! I deal with thoughts like this regularly and I know that more people do as well, as we’ve gotten asks from other followers about this too. So really, you aren’t alone!

It’s really good to hear that you currently aren’t doing anything that could be self destructive! I’m so proud of you for staying in control like that, I know that isn’t easy so it truly is amazing that you’ve managed that so far! Please try to keep it up and know that you have my full support no matter what.

I think a big part of being able to open up to someone about these thoughts is figuring out why you’re experiencing these thoughts, so you can explain to the people you’re opening up to why you aren’t crazy or attention seeking (because you aren’t!). I’m going to try and explain why I think I experience these thoughts and maybe you’ll recognise some of it. If not, then we can always try to figure out other possible reasons! I think I experience these thoughts as an outlet for the self-hate that I have. I have a very low self-image, so a standard thought I get is that I don’t deserve good things, and that I only deserve bad things to happen to me. This can go as far as actually wishing for those bad things to happen, because it so strongly feels like I deserve them. Another reason for me to experience these thoughts I think is to do with feeling invalid in my struggles. I never felt like I had a good reason for struggling so much, even though I rationally know that mental illness doesn’t need to have such a reason and that sometimes it just happens. If someone else had dealt with some of the things I dealt with, I’d also tell them that their struggles would be more than understandable and valid! I just have very different standards when it comes to myself. But these different standards caused me to feel like I was overreacting. So I think then my brain came up with the thought that if something truly bad were to happen to me, I wouldn’t be overreacting anymore and I’d have a valid reason for struggling so much. The difficulty is that I can definitely see the flaws in thinking this way! I know my thoughts are irrational and that my struggles are valid, yet it doesn’t feel that way, so this is something I need to keep working on.

I don’t know if you recognised (part of) what I said, but please let me know so that I know if I need to explore other possible reasons with you more! Of course I hope that you don’t experience things the way I do because it definitely isn’t a nice feeling, but I do hope that you find out what’s the reason behind those thoughts as it can be really helpful to know. Especially when it comes to opening up to people! If you’re able to explain to them what beliefs led you to experiencing these thoughts, they will hopefully understand a little better that you aren’t talking about this due to wanting attention or anything like that.

When it comes to managing these thoughts, I think a big part is in respecting yourself for who you are as a person and building up your self-esteem. Something that can help with building that up is a ‘whitebook’. This is a Dutch word literally translated to English, but I haven’t yet found an (actual) English word that describes it, so I’ll stick to whitebook. What you do is you pick a notebook (a pretty one!) and in this notebook you start to write down positive things in each day. At first these positive things are very general, so that the sun is shining. You do this to get used to the general idea of writing down positive things, as this can feel very uncomfortable at first. Then you try to increase the amount of positive things you write down, say to ten a day. Once you’ve gotten more used to that, you try to write down at least one or two positive things about yourself or something you did. So for example, you write down that you cooked a nice meal, or spent some time relaxing while watching a Disney film. Once you’ve gotten more used to that, you try to increase the amount of positive things about yourself, until your list of positive things only includes positive things about yourself. In the back of your notebook you make a list with positive characteristics of yourself. You derive these positive characteristics from the lists you make every day. So if you wrote down that you cooked a nice meal, you write on your list with positive characteristics that you can cook well. Often you might get thoughts creeping up that want to prevent you from putting something on that list. What can help with fighting those thoughts is to change the wording a little. So instead of saying that you can cook well, say that you are able to make a nice meal. Being able to do something isn’t as definite as saying you can do something. With being able to do something it doesn’t specify that you always can. It can mean that you can sometimes make a nice meal. You’re already able to make a nice meal if you’ve made one nice meal in your entire lifetime. Therefore it can make it a little easier to put it on the list if you word it that way. And creating this list gives you visual proof that you have many positive characteristics, which is definitely good to see!

I’m so glad to hear that I was able to help you in the past, and I definitely hope this answer was just as helpful, if not more. Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you and feel free to get back to me if you want to talk more!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline