sometimes it makes me wonder how I've faked it so well and for so long that people think I'm really actually functioning

when I talk to doctors about my head, I get asked when the last time I was hospitalized was, not if, or instead of "you should look into therapy" it's "here's a flyer for an intensive outpatient program, or they have inpatient if you'd prefer, would you like me to call ahead for you?"

during my first appt with my newest psych, she asked me point blank if I was on disability, and I had to explain how I have a full-time job in a professional field, and have been employed without pause since I was 16. she was genuinely surprised.

I'm writing this at my desk right now, because I needed a distraction so I don't go break down in the storage room. I'd love the IOP, thanks, or a grippy sock vacation, but I'm the sole breadwinner and I have bills to pay and don't have the PTO or good insurance.

my coworkers tell me I'm the most positive, cheerful person they know, and they wish they could think more positively like me. that I always brighten the room with my smile.

I'm a husk, withering away behind the mask. an empty cicada shell, discarded in a parking lot.

god, I need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

Qhy did someone rb my vent don't rb my vents??????

finally diving into IFS books and god. fucking. fuck. really makes you question everything and realize how many things about yourself arent really you? and the stuff on objectification by others is the first time ive had that concept explained in a way that actually makes sense. i feel like nobody i know and love really listens to me, tbh im considering a lot of things rn. i started writing here because i felt like it was wrong of me to not have somewhere, anywhere i could express thoughts and feelings that arent tailored to someone elses needs in a public manner. even if its screaming into the void theres a chance the void might scream back. and might actally have something to say other than immediately changing the topic and not engaging at all with me. it feels like i either fully cater to the other people in my life or i am just talking to walls it makes me feel insane. why do i torture myself making projects? because it felt and still feels like the one spiders thread out of this horrible disconnected place and into somewhere where someone would really have some understanding of me? i tried so hard and the life saw trap still got me.

Why the fuck am I the way I am

"You're unlovable." WOW CRAZY I DIDNT KNOW.

my depression brain was right I AM a terrible person I AM a monster and I keep tricking people into caring for me and I don't deserve it and I take take take from people and don't give them anything back because I am not actually a person I am something evil and I only care about myself

am i the abusive one?

am i the reason so many people leave?

i am arent i?

i’m the problem

i always have been the problem

i’ll always be the problem

downfall cuddles for anyone who needs them right now

i'm writhing inside and i cannot stop shaking and my fingers aren't working with me and i keep blinking really hard but it isn't clearing my vision and i keep fumbling my words and what does come out is so so fucking stupid

but nah i'm fine actually i don't need any crisis care, who, me? no we're all good here no sorry i cannot afford any of that i'm sure i'll settle soon enough don't even worry about it i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine

what if i gave rise leo BPD...

his anger manifests in the form of self-sabotage and self harm. he asks donnie to sound proof his room when they get to the new lair so he can wreck it without concerning everyone else. before that he'd sneak to the surface and wreck an already messy alleyway

his self harm is recklessness. he gets hurt in fights as much as he can and still get away with just a "please be more careful" lecture from raph

speaking of raph, his oldest brother is his favorite person. so when raph starts to brush him to the side and distrust him, he doesnt take it well. when he does something to impress raph and all he gets is "finally..." thats when he disappears for hours and comes back home with sore arms and usually some scrapes and many bruises

he becomes a medic because they can't ignore him if he helps them. plus he can get better at hiding his breakdowns if he can take care of his own injuries

he wants to be in the spotlight so bad until the spotlight shines on him and suddenly his skin fits wrong

splinter and raph brush it off as teenage hormones. donnie shuts it out. mikey is the first person to realize leo's moods aren't normal, but he doesnt want to confront the fact the bpd comes from trauma, so he tries to support leo as best he can

april doesnt realize how much leo's mood shifts until she spends a night in the lair and realizes that leo isn't as hyper as he presents himself. he tries to mask, but he's too tired and the sudden silence from leo throws april off. it creates a rift between them. even when leo is happier around april, she knows somethings wrong- knows its not quite as genuine as she thought.

she spends more time around donnie than leo and leo thinks its for the best. eventually all his brothers- all his family prefer spending time with someone thats not him. he tells himself its for the better- the less time they spend around him, the less likely he'll be upset around them and end up making them upset

leo convinces himself he's meant to be alone and puts his all into being the team medic and spends the rest of his time alone and dissociating. he hates being the leader- having everyones eyes on him all the time. watching him. waiting for him to mess up- to act out- to prove they were right not to trust him

.... idk.. just a thought

i can't wait.

i can't wait to be tomorrow and c0unt my c@ls.

i can't wait to be tomorrow and drink water to f1ll my stomach.

i can't wait to be tomorrow and listen to my stomach gr0wl.

i can't wait to be tomorrow and go through 3dtumblr to ease my hung3r.

i can't wait to be tomorrow and be consistent.

i can't wait to be tomorrow.

i can't wait to feel changements.

i can't wait to see changements.

i can't wait.

Pretty girls ⭐️ve themselves !

Noticing a pattern

I never want to stop talking to you but I don't want to bother you...