but my efforts are always crushed under your waves

Today was another ruzzian missile attack on Kyiv. I was sitting in the shelter and suddenly realised I'm afraid - not of dying, but of being completely forgotten.

If next time I'll die, would anyone here remember me? Or at least say something like "Oh, I knew that one guy on tumblr from Ukraine, he had interesting takes on Rusty Lake and made nice art"? I just wanna someone knew I was real. That this war is real.

I don't want to be forgotten

tw: long-ish vent

What the fuck is wrong with my mom? Seriously though, what the fuck is her issue?

She has a video of me on her phone of me in a bathtub with marker scribbles on my face. When I was 6. I was ass-naked, by the way, & she was purposefully making me cry by mocking me. "Look at you! You look so stupid!" & to add to that, she forced 6-year-old me to look into the phone camera & say what an idiot I was. At the age of fucking 6. & she shows it to people. She shows people a video of her daughter sobbing hysterically in the bath. & she sees nothing wrong with this. "It'll be funny when you're older!" No. No, it won't be, you absolute fucker.

She let my stepfather starve me, scream at me, purposefully make me cry for his own sadistic amusement, & she says nothing. She copies the behavior he does & expects me to take it & say nothing like a child. She starves me & screams at me & purposefully makes me cry & she thinks it's okay because she's "an adult." Just because you're an adult doesn't give you the right to be a sadistic, cruel, nasty bitch.

She has so many videos & pictures of me crying. Because she thinks that it's funny. It's funny to see your kid bawl their eyes out because you're mocking their one mistake?

She's laughed at me whenever my anxiety takes over. When I can't order food, when I can't ask for things, when I physically cannot speak because I don't want to have a panic attack, she thinks it's funny.

She gaslights the living hell out of me, & when I call her out for it, she screams. Just to make me cry. Because it's entertainment to see my cry & not fight back & take it like the fucking wimp I am. It's funny.

When I can't eat because I hate the texture, or it gives me sensory issues, or because I feel like I'll vomit, she'll yell. & I cry. or I shout through my tears. & then she laughs.

ALL OF THAT IS FUCKING FUNNY?!

IS IT REALLY THAT HYSTERICAL THAT YOU JUST HAVE TO LAUGH EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME FALL APART?!

OK I NEED TO VENT

Spoilers for the ending of Manner of Death

So… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL

I’m literally dead

Well, not literally but

So poor Bun literally (literally!) fought for his life for like almost all episodes

Goons and pistols and all that stuff

And now it’s finally over. I’m safe, the man I love is safe.

But THEN

AGAIN

Some armed goons chasing them, instant war flashbacks and stuff

Are we gonna die?

We gonna die

NOPE

Tan is just a tad bit TOO CREATIVE

Also I had like two thoughts all this scene:

Are the goons like ‘awww say yes doctor!’ standing in all that balaclavas and stuff

And second one that I know what Tan used to create this masterpiece of a love letter

And then INSPECTOR M

You big softie

Helping your now friends tying their trauma induced knot

Ok, to sum everything up

I LOVE Manner of Death

It was a good ride all 14 episodes

Big thanks to everyone who recommended this to me

But SRSLY, a gun chase through the forest

I wanna bleed out onto the floor. I’m so confused

I gotta get drunk this is bullshit

I just attended my first class which was online. It's a great psychology class and it's titled Abnormal Psychology. It's really interesting and I can't wait to get further into it.

Thing is, there's a TA there and she's a part of this organization that fully supports and uses ABA therapy on autistic people and kids.

I'm well aware of the horrors that autistic people have faced from it, and to see not only the TA in it, but also to actively promote it towards the students just leaves a sour taste in my mouth you know?

I just feel very icky about that small part of an otherwise fascinating class.

Sufficiently freaked out enough I turned on the alarm & locked the doors & put a chair under the door handle. Yesterday we rescued a cat that we had seen around the neighborhood the last week or so. She was on our porch staring in at Sis, so Sis went out & the cat jumped in her arms & started loving on Sis.

So we started our rescue routine: put her in basement guest room separate from our animals, posted on my FB & 2 local missing pet groups, called the shelter (waiting for call back) & intended to take her in to get scanned for a chip, if needed by tomorrow.

Today on 1 of the FB groups there was a comment “that’s my cat”. Something about it felt weird. When my dog went missing & ppl posted they saw him here or there, trying to help us catch him, I would reply “omg thank you, yes thats my dog!” Or whatevs. She just posts, “thats my cat.” So I went to her FB & it looked legit enough, just tons of other ppl’s missing animals & motorcycles. *But* there was no post about her missing a cat. Scrolled back 3 months, nothing. I was going to message her & ask for a photo of the cat, just to verify, since ppl do use cats as bait for dog fights around here. I understand when you are missing an animal, you can be beside yourself, so I shoulda messaged her immediately, but I was tending to things with my own pets & around the house & didnt respond immediately (ie within the hour). Thats on me.

But then I get a phone call, “you found a cat, thats our cat,” from some dude. I said “howd you get this number?” He says, “From the internet, you can search anybody nowadays.” GUYS, my FB profile name is my nickname, not my legal name! You cant search me & find me bc all searchable stuff is either from voter registration or state ID. How did he connect my nickname to my legal name? WTF. Then he says, “my gf is out looking for him - it’s a him - right now. I just gave her your address - *says my address* - that���s you, right?” Im shaking now. “How do you have my address? Someone is just coming to my house?!” I tell him I will NOT be answering the door until my sister is also here. He says, “she’s a 65 year old lady, its fine.” I said, “no, its not & my dog is super protective of me & he doesn’t let me open the door for strangers.” He says, “just bring the cat out to her then .” I stupidly, giving away that I’m disabled or whatevs, said, “cat is downstairs & I can’t do the stairs, you’ll have to wait until my sister comes home. Tell your gf to come back at 5.”

I ask if the number he has called from is his & he says yes & gives me his name. I say I’ll have my sister call to arrange a pick up. Im outside, so I go in, lock all the door, cant get the 1 door to lock properly so I put the chair there. I also turned on alarm & have my dog here, but Im freaked.

I inform Sis & she calls him. He tells her he got my number from 1 of those online Find A People sites. Thats a creepy thing to do. & then to just send someone to your house. What if a stranger just showed up at your front door asking about SM post you had made, without you having given out your info? How would you feel? Sis told him to send her a photo to prove is their cat. So then I go back to the missing animal site & there are a few more comments from the same lady, 1 saying his name is Cletus & the other saying, “We live on *street around the corner*. Please is a outdoor cat. Let him out & he will come back home”.

Ya’ll we live in the city limits! Yeah it’s only a 35k population but we have busy streets & a huge drug problem, have been labeled in the top 10 worst cities in our state, just a bad place to let your animals roam free if you want them to stay safe. Not to mention we aren’t far from the city edges, where we have coyotes. I know I had indoor/outdoor cats in my early 20s in town, but I was young & stupid & raised with barn cats so didn’t know any better. This lady is 65 years old! Yes I’m judging!

My friend is coming to stay this weekend & wanted to adopt the cat. If is theirs, obvs we hafta return it, but Id rather my friend adopt it. Rather my friend than ppl who let it roam in the city & then stalk you online & call you outta the blue & try to roll up on your house unannounced. Fuuuuuck. Also yeah he went missing, bc he begged us to let him in our house, we thought we were helping!

(Anyways, by the time I typed all this, it has been confirmed he is their cat, so we will return it to them later. In a public meet up spot.). But ya’ll, I’m wigging. WTF?

//Vent//

I just lost my loved family...my grandfather This happened has ruined my heart…

I might stop using social media for a while…I’ll come back again when I feel better

Wanna make a Laura-centric playlist with a little bit of Bob themed songs.

Pros: all Laura-centric songs in one place, nicely organised 😌

Cons: like a half of them are in my native language, and there's 2 people in the fandom who will get it 😔

omfg i need to RANT about this song gives me the fucking FEELS

tw: mentions of SH & depressive episodes

when i was going through a really bad depressive episode, I couldn't find a *single* song or artist that actually wrote songs about what it actually feels like to have depression. It was all "i'M sO eMo BlAaH i HaTe PeOpLe RaAa 💀😖🖤" & it was so obvious that they thought being depressed was a quirky little personality trait. It never felt *real*. & then I saw this song & I cried from the joy who hearing a song that was quite literally somebody recording what goes on in my mind during a depressive episode & turning it into a song.

"I look so much better, so I guess I'm alright" = Before I first heard this song, I was flooded with people telling me how much happier I seemed compared to last year, & how I looked more upbeat & less tired & dead. & I was a bit better, but I wasn't completely happy. & I was convinced that I had to be happy because everybody thought I was happy. This all applies to "I don't know if I can get better for you" because I was also plagued by this idea that I *had* to get better, I *needed* to get better because I needed to be the comic relief & the happy one in the friend groups, or everybody would leave me.

"My head is burning like a machine, tryna cool it down I figured I'd have gotten used to this by now" = One of the many factors that led me to a depressive episode was being really overworked & overwhelmed. I was working as a junior counselor at a BGC for zero pay, & the staff treated us like we weren't there, & the kids were either too touchy, or they were awful. Kids in the group that I worked in were either clinging onto me at all times & not letting me get a second of personal space, or they were screaming & being rude to me. & when I would discipline them, I turned into the "mean counselor" that none of the kids liked. I would've gotten a cash reward for "Best Jr. Counselor" if it wasn't for a few kids who thought I was a monster for telling them to act. & I thought, at the time, that this was really weird because back in 5th grade, I was also a Jr. Counselor, & I loved it! I was never stressed when doing it & I could handle it. & I had dealt with similar situations. &, call me cringe or cliche, but that's when I realized I was a burnt-out "gifted kid," the one who went from all the parents thinking I was responsible & a great counselor to being told off by my boss for being "rude" to the kids.

"I've gotten nearly everything I ever hoped I'd have So why am I still sad?" = At the time before the depressive episode, I was convinced my life was perfect. I had decent grades, a friend group, good art skills, teachers who loved me, & creative ideas 24/7. & when these started to slip away, I was in severe denial & I had convinced myself that I still was the perfect gifted child, so there was no reason for me to be sad over all of this.

"I tear myself in half" = I really *was* tearing myself up during this time. I was screaming at myself in the mirror & hurting myself whenever I messed up or didn't do something correctly.

"I didn't think that it would ever get this bad" = When I was younger & I first learned about self-harm & depression, I thought that would *never* happen to me. After all, why would you voluntarily hurt yourself? I would *never* be that sad. & then when it finally happened, I was shocked because I didn't think it would ever get that bad.

@zuuriell @somebody-v @vibestillaxxx @crows-death @r0ckstardr3amgal @ogelizasoot @lexx-the-gay-rubber-ducky @mochamuff1n im now torturing you all with my insanity :)

anyway sorry bout that lil rant :)

Going to help a friend with Long Covid apply for disability SS and state benefits. Wanna give her some tips. Told Sis one tip is I’m worried about friend and her live in boyfriend and how that’ll affect her eligibility. They definitely need to have their money separate, but I know with my situation, I live with my sister but I rent from her/pay her room & board $ so that I am a Household of 1 and her income doesn’t count against me. My sister told me that I shouldn’t tell my friend to be worried about that. That for all we know, those are not the rules anymore. That heck, maybe them getting married is the best option. That pandemic changed everything. I said that yes pandemic loosened rules a wee bit, but people still have strict income limits to be eligible for disability. I know disabled people still don’t have marriage equality. Then my sister said, “but you don’t know that for sure.” So I bit my tongue. It’s just easier. But guys, while I’m more lurking these days, I’m still *in* the disability advocacy community. We still don’t have marriage equality, do we? And income limits didn’t suddenly go up by a few dozen grand, did they? My friend is still gonna have trouble if her man makes any amount of $, yeah? Her boyfriends tend to come and go in her life and I’m worried if she relies on him, he’ll be gone in a month and she & the kids will be screwed. Anyways, she gotta have healthcare and, at least for a lil while, a home care provider. So imma go tomorrow and help her apply for stuff. I am taking my sister’s recommendation that my friend consult a local free legal services lawyer about the best way to divide their household. But if it comes back that the lawyer says getting married is her best bet at getting benefits? I’ll eat a goddamn sock. We do not have marriage equality in this country, periodt. And I *know* dat.

I just got called preachy and annoying by my sister cause I didn't want to see the new Millie Bobby Brown netflix movie together with her because millie supports Israel, I stand by my principles and it hurts to see my family call me names just because of it, like people are dying and I said I could pirate the movie for us to watch, but they just seem to not care that people are dying right now just because it's a continent away, I didn't say to my sister she should not watch just said I wouldn't because I don't want to support zionistic douchebags is that so bad?

SERIOUS!!!!

If I’m a bit slow with the posts, I’m still trying to recover from my midnight sleepover panic attack I had a couple days ago. There’s more info on THIS POST. I don’t usually want to link my vent account so GO THERE AT YOUR OWN RISK but I need to get this out. My brain feels physically clogged.

Thanks,

The kiddo.