Tumgik
#i want to use all the insults i know on myself
mechaknight-98 · 1 day
Text
Beastmaster's Bond II (NSFW) FT Chaehyun
Tumblr media
Author's Note: I just really like Chaehyun. Make sure to wish my happy marshmallow a happy birthday.
I winced as I watched Chaehyun leave. “You are in charge until I get back,” Chaeyun responded I faked a smile knowing this week was going to be Hell. She had awakened something inside of me and I was not keen on being caged again. When we lock eyes she smiles gently.
“Hey it will be okay big guy I'll be right back, and we can figure out everything then.” I nod and Chaeybyun leans into my ear.
“Then we can fuck all day and all night,” she says with sadistic smile.
“As enticing as that sounds. I kinda just want to cuddle when you get back,” I respond conflicted. She was a joy to be around when the hormones in my brain weren't telling me to fuck her endlessly. Which I could already feel building up. we raced to get her ready so there was no time to “meet either of our needs” We could see it in the other's eyes. We kissed to scratch that itch but ultimately it left us unsatisfied, but we held strong as I saw her off. I drove back home then back to the zoo to drown myself in work. The first week was easy enough without Marshmallow. Running the zoo was difficult at first and took up most of my time, but I adjusted quickly. By the second week, the possessive and restless anger began to set in. The time difference made chatting together harder for the two of us, but any time she mentioned another guy besides her father I'd feel this violent urge to say “You know who you belong to right,” and it wasn't from a toxic place but this weird place of matter of fact. Needless to say, I missed her, and it was taking a toll on me.
By the fourth week, it hit me and I was out of it. Marshmallow had gone radio silent because the area she was in had no cell service, but on a positive note, I had everything ready for her to move her Magnamalo in, along with having “restructured” the zoo to be firing on all cylinders. I balanced schedules and helped Xiaotang (Chaehyun’s assistant) learn about the zoo because I was going to be helping Chaehyun with hatching Elder dragons moving forward. I also got my passport. Which made me feel worse as now Marshmallow was just a flight and a few grand away. I considered booking it just to see her, to hold her, but I had responsibilities.
On the 45th day of Marshmallow being gone(and the 45th consecutive day of work), I take the day off. I took the time to do a different passion of mine Photography. I drove over the the Aquarium of the Pacific and took pictures within the area. Due to it being a random weekday aquarium was quiet. So I got to have time to think. The possessiveness still raged within me but it was a dull pain by this point and not the throbbing ache as before. While I spent the morning contemplating and putting myself at ease I was interrupted by a call. I took out my phone and answered it
“Ahoy,” I answer
“Hey, Daddy it's your favorite marshmallow can you pick me up,”
“That depends are you asking as a friend or as an employee,”
“I'm asking my Daddy to take care of me,” Marshmallow teased in a tone that sent a shiver through my spine.
“I'll be there in a bit,”
I arrived at Marshmallow’s apartment 35 minutes later where she was lounging on her couch only her bra and panties. As I walked closer to her I smiled at her cute expression. When I was close enough to touch I sat her up got on the couch with her and just draped my arms around her. Chaehyun smiled as she nestled herself in my arms.
“I missed you, Daddy,” she said content. I chuckled and replied
“As funny as this has been can I ask why you insist on calling me daddy?”
“Well at first it was to get under your skin but now it's kinda stuck like how you call me Marshmallow,”
“That was never to get under your skin. you're soft and pale like marshmallows. So my brain made the connecting the fire time we… connected, but you're also sweet like one so it made sense to me,”
“Wait so it's not an insult to my weight,” Chaehyun asked
“Heavens no I love Marshmallows they're great and you're great like one,” I answer. Chaehyun looks at me and smiles before kissing me. I could feel myself losing to lust but I wanted to enjoy our time together a bit more so I broke the kiss and ran my hands through her hair as we lay together.
After another half hour of this, Chaehyun began to grind her ass on my crotch. She did this at an agonizingly slow pace before I lost control and the lust I'd been holding back took over I unclasped her bra and pushed her panties down. Chaehyun mewls as I begin to squeeze and paw her pliant and soft body. I squeeze her thigh and Chaehyun moans aggressively.
“Fuck stop teasing me,” she growls as she gets on top and pins me down. Her eyes are hazy with lust.
“I tried so hard to stay focused but I needed you. I needed this cock in me,” she growled. I gave her a shit-eating grin as she began to stroke me, “So here is how it's going to go. You are going to fuck me until I'm satisfied then we're going go over to the logistics moving into together because I need you and this cock to put me to bed every night,” I smirked at her and replied
“What if I say no?” her vision goes red as she takes me. I groan at the softness of her pussy as it envelopes my dick. She starts grinding figure eight into my crotch.
“You couldn't deny me even if you wanted to. I see it in your eyes. You want me as much as I want you,” she says powerfully. Her voice and atmosphere resonate with a deep part of my soul. Something primal. I look deep into her eyes and I see that primal possessiveness mirrored In her. I flip our positions as I wrap her right thigh around my waist. I massage her tummy with my left hand and her right thigh with my right hand as I forcefully thrust into her.
“God how could I ever say something mean about your body it's just so soft and velvety smooth.” I moan. Chaehyun mewls as I continue thrusting. Chaehyun’s moans are music to my ears as we continue fucking. I alternate my arms and I grip her other thigh and breast.
“Oh God, you're so deep,” Chaehyun moans as I lift her hips slightly to get a better angle. Her pussy tightens around me as I continue thrusting. We lock eyes and I see hers clouded with an intense lust that terrorizes her. She can't stop herself from nearing her peak. “God breed meme fill my fertile pussy with your seed. Let's have kids together,” she screams. My body takes over thrusting into her harder and harder as I chase my peak. Hers hits her on the way there. “Oh my god. I'm cumming she moans as a wave of her juice crashes into me.” Her pussy tightens as I fuck her through her high, and she moans the filthiest encouragement to breed her.
“God fill me with your cum. Make my pussy spill it. Please give me your cum I need it. I need to feel full and make my belly swell. Make me a mommy. Making us official fills me up so much that I can't help but get pregnant. Make my tits swell and my stomach bulge with life, please. Make me a mommy make me pregnant,” Chaehyun moaned, and hearing her say all those things gave me the push I needed to climax. Five weeks of a needed release hit me all at once. I groaned as I flooded her insides white as I gave into her incessant breeding demands, but I couldn't stop thrusting. I needed to breed her more. I felt my body kick into a second gear and I flipped her over and began taking her from the back. Her pussy tightened delightfully as I yanked her prone body up.
“Oh yes,” she groaned as we
“Don't ever leave me again,” I growl at her.
“I won't ever again. I need this cock. I want this cock to fuck Me every day,” Marshmallow replied.
I nod as I grab her wide hips to thrust in her deeper. The possessive feeling reaches a new high, “I'll make sure of it. I'll breed you every day and night. You will begin and end your days full of my cum. Even when you're pregnant I'll fuck you. You're mine marshmallow and no one else.” Chaehyun moans excitedly at that before succumbing to another orgasm. When her body goes limp I realize I may have overdone it a tad. I pick her up and carry her to her bedroom. Well, mission accomplished I guess I think to myself as I wait for her to recover. She sleeps soundly on her bed as I lay next to her. She snores lightly so I adjust her so she can sleep on her side. Feeling her body naked body all over as I try to get her comfortable causes me to stiffen again, and I almost give in right there but I remember the time and place. She's probably tired from all the stuff she did. While she sleeps I field some emails for her about the zoo and play with my switch for a bit (I always keep it and my camera with me.) I let her sleep for a few more hours until I grew hungry. I put some pants on and walked into her kitchen to see if there was anything I could cook. Funny enough she had all the stuff from French toast and omelets. So despite it being almost 7:45 pm, I began work on “breakfast” When I was finishing up I heard the shuffling of her little feet. She yawned as she walked in now draped in the same panties and bra from earlier. Marshmallow looks at me and squints.
“You taller,” she says annoyed
“There's no way,” I reply. Marshmallow groans and goes back into her room before coming out with a tape measure. She walks over to me and uses a step stool to be closer to my head.
“Yep when we first met you were five-ten now you're six-one and three-quarters.,” Marshmallow teased. I looked at her confused. “I know every inch of your body dear and when we started today I had trouble hitting the spots I could normally get to now I know why,” she said with a smile. She looked behind me to see the food prepared. She swipes a piece of French toast and bites into it. She hums in elation at the taste,
“Ah mashta,” she mumbles as she chews. When she finishes she laughs, “Is there anything you can't do?” Marshmallow teased, I replied, “Talk to women normally,” Marshmallow replied with laughter as I fixed her a plate. After that, I fix myself a plate and we eat standing next to each other. I feel content and happy here with her. I never want this feeling to stop.
“Hey Chaeyhun,” I start
Chaehyun looks at me surprised,” using my real name you must be serious,” she says with a serious gaze. I nod and lock eyes with her.
“All that stuff about being together did you mean that,” I ask shakily.
Chaehyun smirks, “is that nervousness I hear? How unlike you.” Chaehyun teases in a dulcet tone that drives me wild. Feeling a little feral and done with teasing I lightly smack her ass and reply,
“Yeah now can you be serious before I fuck you stupid,” Chaehyun smiles as she takes a break from eating to stare at me
“What If I want you to fuck Me stupid, what if I want you to fuck Me stupid for the next week straight,” she asks I try to stay focused I try to fight my urges to pounce on her again and I hang on barely. Her body and voice are just so enticing that I always struggle to resist fucking her every second I am around her.
“Please Chaehyun I want to know where we stand. I…” Before I could finish laying out my worries Chaehyun kissed me with such a deep and passionate fervor that reduced all my worries into sad whimpers.
“You are mine Dinovaldo Bear, and no one else’s,” Chaehyun says with a lustful and possessive fire. She kisses me again with a ravenous hunger that she transfers over to Me. I join her in ravenous lust.
“And you are mine Kim Chaehyun,” I say before kissing her again. I rip her bra off and grope her breast before moving her panties to the side and plunging into her again. Chaehyun smiles seductively as I thrust in and out of her.
“That's it fill me again make sure my hungry pussy is always full of your cum for the next week,” Chaehyun moaned causing me to cum in her again. Chaehyun smiles.
“Oh someone liked that,” she smirks reveling in the power she held over me.
“Can you go again,” I nod then she does the sexiest and grossest thing I have ever witnessed. She put my last two pieces of French toast on her tits and said “Come Finish your dinner.” part of my brain was repulsed but damn was it hot. I got down to her right tit first and lapped up the soggy bread and sucked on her syrupy nipple. Chaehyun moaned as I feasted on her body. I have never experimented with food play (or many kinks for that manner but Chaehyun brought out this ferocity in me that thrilled and frightened me. The passion and desire were there but what if in my zeal I hurt her was something that plagued my mind. As multiple people had mentioned multiple times at this point; I was stronger and taller than I had been before. this meant that I had to readjust to my new strength which would make things awkward. as if sensing my hesitation while I devour her other tit and remaining French toast she said, "Come on Tiger be rough with me I can take it. I'm not delicate. I'm as tough as you are." Rex did it for me. I grabbed her waist and laid her flat on the ground as I thrust into her. we rut in syncopating rhythms clawing and marking each other as our own as we chase another mutual high. Chaehyun (with the help of some groping here and there) reached her release first and came violently. I was so caught up in her body that I hadn't realized she was also milking another orgasm out of me as well. As we basked in the afterglow I smiled at her. She smiled back. "You liked that Rex thing huh?"
"you bet Tiger," I say in the spur of the moment as her hair falls over her face making it look like tiger stripes. I was unprepared for her pussy to tighten at that.
"Ooh someone likes that," I tease. Chaehyun growls and flips me over as she begins to ride me. her pussy demanding I get hard once again. Unable to resist any of her demands my body complies and I let her ride another orgasm. She lifts her head in ecstasy as she says, "Call me that again. I'm your tiger. You're white tiger," she says losing herself further to pleasure,
"Does my tiger-like her new nickname," I ask as she rides me. Chaehyun tightens again and moans as she comes again. I push her off of me and she growls at me. Her eyes are full of hungry lust. as she rubs her body seductively. she crawls to me and corners me in her kitchen,
"More," rolls seductively off her lips. Something in our body chemistry feels like it's changed because her scent is this intoxicating and arousing mix of cinnamon and her natural musk and I am hard again.
"What the fuck are you doing to me," I growl as I pick her up to fuck her again? her walls as usual provide no resistance as I slide into her. she moans in ecstasy. her velvety walls accept me with no effort as I thrust in and out. His body is perfect for me. the perfect softness the perfect taste the perfect smell. the perfect woman. I gaze deep into her eyes before kissing her again. her mouth relents to my force as I explore the caver myself before she moans and cums again.
"Rex give it to me. I need it. Make me your mate forever breed me. breed me again and again,” she says and I moan as I paint her insides white again. I watch as she rides out my orgasm trying to steal as much of my cum as possible. When we relax Chaehyun gets up and has me follow her to the bathroom. She showed me all of her contraceptives. She promptly throws them out.
That signal move changed something in me. A part of me I never knew was there awoken. I walked up to Chaehyun. I run my hands over her every curve and get lost in her eyes. I see many emotions reflecting in her eyes but the one that to me the most is vulnerability. She knows this is a risk but is willing to choose to submit to me as hers. My response is simple,
“You are Mine, and I am yours,” Chaehyun nodded desperately before she replied
“Yes, yes, yes. Please don't leave me.”
“Not a chance, but do be aware once we go down this road please know I'm a greedy and selfish lover there will be no sharing,” I reply. In my attempt to be seductive, it came out sounding abusive so I quickly tried to remedy that.
“WAIT that came out wrong. What I meant to say is that if we are doing this it's all in there's no open relationship no side pieces. We are together,” I reply. Chaehyun smiles and then says,
“I wouldn't have it any other way.”
117 notes · View notes
amateur-scribbler · 8 hours
Text
Tumblr media
Fat.
It’s a word that’s sitting in my stomach with weights tied to its feet. It’s floating down past the food I binged on and then it’s watching the purge; making the toxic cycle complete.
It’s eating up space in my mind, this obsessive outlook about the size of my thighs.
I think I’d be happier, more loveable, and more confident if I was skinnier. I lie to everyone and myself about wanting to lose weight to be healthy when it’s all about the exteriors.
I know it’s not true, just my brain trying to make me want it more, by using a twisted methodology it has always used before. My beautiful brain tries so hard to be helpful but, the whispered insults about my body to spur on change are only making me miserable.
I remind myself that the clawing voices in my mind won’t go away because I’m thinner, and I won’t magically love what’s in the mirror even if I weighed nothing more than a feather.
But, I like the grass.
No, not the bits of green in the salad, but the blades that reside on the other side of the mirror, where I assume the stars all shine clearer and of course my body is the type of unachievable perfection I’ve forever been dreaming of.
body dysmorphia is my best friend - t.k.o.
28 notes · View notes
insignificantfailure · 7 months
Text
Why the fuck am I the way I am
2K notes · View notes
furiousgoldfish · 2 years
Text
seeking advice about a persecutor alter: I want them to stop hating me
116 notes · View notes
persephonaae · 10 months
Text
I’m still dumbfounded that over the weekend someone was dead set convinced I copied the work of and stole techniques from another cosplayer on my Ranni cosplay and like when I tried to direct them to where they could see my progress they ignored me and still called me a liar despite there being clear proof that I came up with all of my designs on my own and used my own techniques for everything like. Girlie help. Why are you trying to gotcha me when I’m being polite and showing you exactly what my work was, literally what’s going on here is I’m simply cosplaying the same character as someone else, there’s no rules against that and I’m sorry I guess apparently you’ve never picked up a sewing machine enough to tell the difference between two different skilled craftspeople’s work attempts at cosplaying the same character
10 notes · View notes
androideql · 1 year
Text
.
6 notes · View notes
lupismaris · 1 year
Text
No one gets under your skin and makes you feel sick quite like your siblings, and there's no numbness quite like the feeling of having to put a boundary firmly in place with a wide open door for them to walk through should they see it for one
#ive not always been a good older sibling to my brother and i know that. ive owned up for it and apologized and made myself open.#so that we can mend what fractured relationship we have should he choose.#but he fixates on my refusal to play nicely with family that has not done right by me for the whole of my life and bases#the entirety of our potential relationship and the memory of out mother on that on the fact i wont play nice with her kin#because they have not ever fully accepted me save for my uncles which is a new thing. and ive made my boundaries about this clear#and he pushes and pushes and says if we come together as a family it'll ease his grieving and we'll all heal together#but thats just disregarding my own boundaries and trauma in exchange for catering to the comforts of himself and the family#ive given up fighting him on that#but i asked him simply that if he needs me or wants to tell me something to just call me pr text me directly it can be short n sweet#but not to go to our parents. its insulting. ive always answered his calls. even when we fight pr have a failed mediation i always answer#and he immediately made it about how my boundaries are unacceptable so why should he bother#i give up. i know i was arrogant at 26. i know i was. i was probably cruel too. but i had made myself a doormat at the same time.#all i told him was he never bothered to talk to me as my brother or ask my about our mother without the lens of her kin#it was always about them never just about her. it was never about us as siblings just about our aunts and uncles and grandparents#he never crossed the road and came to me and said can we talk about ma and I reminded him of that. never a conversation just#him playing court jester/therapist and ignoring boundaries over and over. and even then i always answered the phone#so i told him he can pivot and change the subject all he wants. but the point of this was that if he needs me i answer.#and should he need me i will answer. but if he continues this behavior of backhanded communication#ill know he doesnt respect me and doesnt see me as his sibling because ive asked him plainly to speak to me#im fuckin tired. you try with people and they just... bait you.#the fact he looked at me and said our relatives are all he has left of ma and im his sibling will never not feel like a salted wound tbh
18 notes · View notes
gawayne · 1 year
Text
ughh SORRY BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT the people you meet in engineering are just by and large so unpleasant I hate it here
#DONT get me wrong there are at least three very cool eng students here#but fuckign. come on we have to admit it. the structure of the program makes you worse and more annoying#out of stress out of competitiveness whatever#yknow what I’ve never heard in english class or art club? earnest discussions of crypto#elon musk fangirling#clique-forming based on whether you have a fucking pilot’s license#using gay as an insult like it’s 2014#physical assault#etc#christ be normal for a bit!! talk about something that doesn’t make me wanna kill myself!#tbh think the issue might be that smart mean rich kids either go into mech/elec or medicine#and there’s nowhere else in the country for aero freaks to go so they all end up here. revving their audis at 10pm and cutting off busses#no joke every few months I’m like huh I should try to make friends in this program. and I go to a social event or talk to someone or w/e#and then I remember that they are not fun to hang out with because I don’t invest or like cars or want a plane or drink#and I am not willing to sit thru that discussion until someone brings up something more interesting. usually there isn’t anything#see our capstone group works bc it’s full of adhd bitches. today we talked about eggs for an hour#ughhhhh. genuinely I think it’s weird how many ppl don’t have hobbies beyond gaming drinking and investing and I fundamentally can’t get#along with them and that’s why all the cool engineers are found in art club#or maybe I’m just insane and annoying who knows
14 notes · View notes
callilouv · 11 months
Text
i’m in spain
4 notes · View notes
nickywhoisi · 2 years
Text
WOW TUMBLR ARE YOU AGAINST ME TOO
BUILD TRUST WITH A PROFESSIONAL SYSTEM ADVERTISEMENT
AS IF THIS ISN'T THE EXACT FUCKING THING I AM TRIGGERED AND THE MOST DAMAGED BY EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY I'M AWAKE
DO YOU WANT ME TO DELETE MY ACCOUNT AND STOP USING TUMBLR? IS THAT WHAT WE'VE COME TO? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN WANT ANYMORE I CAN'T BE HERE I CAN'T FUCKING BE ANYWHERE
that's it
#I am going to cry#maybe this is a sign that my life doesn't even want me here#what other explanation is there#like this isn't sending me further down into a spiral#where online is even safe anymore? I thought tumblr was supposed to be that#...but if even it has succumbed to sociopathic levels of throwing personally provoking ads in my face which I'm not used to coming from#an older tumblr where this didn't even happen#and impulsive chomping at the bit for revenue and not giving me the option to shut them off without paying like every other hellsite#then I just don't know where to go or be anymore where I will be assured 100% safety and 0% triggers#I am already under so much trauma stress and headache#this was an insult that will not go unnoticed#tumblr I ought to sue you in civil court#for directly or indirectly causing personal harm and loss of personal enjoyment of the platform#I'm sorry everyone I have to go#apparently I'm not wanted here all of a sudden...#I feel suicidal again and I want to be with friends to talk about it but you're all on tumblr which has broken its trust and assaulting me#I can't be in this age of the internet anymore it's...unbelievably dangerous and toxic and I cannot keep putting myself on the line#like this#I can't be welcomed anywhere...#all I wanted was to be welcomed I hate you tumblr#everyone here though...my friends...I love you all I hope to see you again one day#but everything here is garbage and unhealthy for me so I have to be away from it for a long while#I will still be alive I think and I will still make that pizza...just need to find somewhere online that's safer#an old 90s website that has no modern traps or signs of anything#wish me luck everyone...I want to see you all again soon but for now take care
9 notes · View notes
insignificantfailure · 4 months
Text
No one cares no one cares NO one cares NO. ONE. CARES. why don't I FUCKING GET IT
22 notes · View notes
metamelonisle · 2 years
Text
i think it's funny how i hang around people who are openly sweet and have all these very cool and cozy aesthetics and are so fucking cool and awesome and nice and then i'm just like. their straight up antithesis
3 notes · View notes
Text
.
#why does my mother have to be so terribly difficult? the divorce affected her too ofc (it was her idea and her divorce. not mine.)#but she acts like i'm personally attacking her every time i even so much as mention my home state or talk about my dad#in a positive manner for too long. like? she acts like i'm okay with everything that turned out and that i'd just get used to all the#changes and immediately disregard my life before. when that is not the case at all.#nobody's a mind reader but just because i'm not saying anything doesn't mean i don't have feelings about it. it's on her for#expecting something of me she didn't even care to ask how i really feel about it.#she talks a lot about how harmful assumptions about others are but then turns around and assumes i'm peachy keen because i'm not#actively protesting. she takes everything i say and do personally. it's note even fucking funny.#and she says i'm sensitive. i've been a fucking champ about it for the most part bc she's a#pussy ass cheating lying skank who thinks she can gaslight and manipulate me into submitting to her.#i can't believe she fucking gets mad at me for wanting to cook my own separate meal but also expects me to want to know how to drive and#have my whole next 5 to 10 years all planned out. and heaven forbid i move out or even want to live with my dad (/s)#she says i'm so smart and above everyone else my age intellectually but then she treats me like a child!! she regularly insults my#emotional intelligence. i guess because i had to teach myself all that nitty-gritty that she doesn't know better. maybe. but it could be#presumed that when she says i'm soooo smart she's including my emotional maturity. she literally says i'm Smarter Than Her (!!!!) and#and i'll 'do amazing things' but also expects me to want to live with her until i'm thirty!!!#there's nothing wrong with living with your parents but there's no way in hell i'm staying any longer than i have to living with her.#if push comes to shove i have a couple friends i can go live with closer to home.#i literally fucking hate it here. help me.#personal#don't rb ig lol#parents tw#divorce tw#emotional abuse tw#/vent
3 notes · View notes
woofety · 1 month
Text
Aaaaaaand once again I am neglecting this place, it's not a big thing if not for the fact that I need to catch up with some messages that are dated months ago st this point, for that I feel awful 😣 I'm really sorry, the year didn't start in the best of ways (it would have been enough to be goodish, but not even that), problems keep accumulating and my mental health has been... that's just bad, like it hadn't been for quite some time, I mean I had worse times but I feel it has reached quite a low peak recently, and I'm not sure given the circumstances how soon it will be able to improve a bit...
#I wonder#I don't even know why I'm writing but I don't really have no one to talk to rn#and it's taking quite a toll on me#my friends (well more like one atm) have their lives and tbh I don't think they will ever understand me#my parents... well they're one of the reasons of me being a mess rn#today it's Father's day and I may have exchanged 10 words with my father in the last week#because I called him out for using an inappropriate tone with me during a discussion#almost yelling at me to speak up when I was trying to figure out what to say#after I had received news about yet another problem we have to face#not something I did btw - and apparently he cmgot offended because I accused him of having an authoritarian tone#which is not really new and I remarked it to him other times even if more gently#but he took an issue with that and apparently I'm the one who has to apologize for speaking out of term#for having said just that? I might as well have insulted him#and my mother sided with him - once more I'm being reminded that I'm alone for now and if I want support#I can only count on myself because nobody in my life is going to give it to me#I'm alone and until I hopefully find at least better friends I have to take care of myself on my own#I'll get used to it like I've been trying ro do in the past years but it's taking such a toll on me lately#among the stupid things I've been considering with all these situations piling#I might have just to pay someone to speak with me at some point to have some sort of release from all this#family is not an option to talk and true friends are a mirage so there's that#I'm ranting rn and I'm going to delete this eventually because what's the point but whatever
0 notes
candyskiez · 6 months
Text
so do you spiral into rage whenever you realize the person who got you seconds away from killing yourself is moving on with their life when somedays you still feel like you're stuck in that moment that fucking traumatized you and how unfair it is that they get to move on when you almost ended it all over them or do you not have a deep seated fear that you jave no effect on the people aroujd you
#suicide tw#cw suicide#tw suicide#suicide cw#candyskiez vent#i know its irrational. i know#but fuck its. a part of me is almost mad at them for moving on. even though earlier i was fucked up because whst if i hurt them what if im#terrible person. i keep fucking flipflopping. ive never once wanted them back but ive missed them so bad and ive hated them and i still#fucking love them and god. i almost killed myself. i almost KILLED myself and they get to just??? be upset that i didnt want them in my lif#they can just go on about how it was so hard for THEM to lose all their friends when they were the one who cut us out. and everyone feels#bad for them. but fuck. i almost fucking killed myself. i almost killed myself because of this situation. i thought id never be happy again#i was wrong. im finally healing from it. but sometimes i can't help but hate them. because how DARE you ever act like the two things are#even remoteoy equivalent. you lost SOME of your friends because you made a stupid ass life decision you had EVERY way of knowing would blow#up. we were in hell. we were in fucking hell. the friend group almost fucking fell apart becase of your stupid ass. i almost killed myself.#i thought id never be happy again. i almost killed myself without leaving a note so i wouldbt have to feel yhe pain YOU caused me. YOU. and#you think you have the RIGHT to be sad? you arent the fucking victim. you have NEVER been the victim of this situation. you will never be.#and logically i know i know they can feel however they feel and thats valid and yeah they cared. but it feels insulting fucking INSULTING#because how dare you be sorry when i could never forgive you for what you did. how dare you do something so STUPID and get surprised when#people got hurt. you are a fucking awful friend. you dont deserve forgiveness. i dont give a shit youre sorry. why should i care. why is it#MY job to care that youre a fucking idiot. you hurt me. why is it my job to understand why? i almost killed myself.#later on im probably going to feel bad for them again. i know they aren't a monster but god it is so fucking hard to care. ive never gotten#that close to suicide. and they very nearly pushed me over that edge. i was so fucking close to writing a note. i was debating if i should#send the note to my online friends. i was on the fucking brink. i will never fucking forgive them. i almost killed myself.#and their name wouldve been on the note.
1 note · View note