#some people are straight up fucking bigots and you let them get away with too much by saying:
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WolfWren featuring real comments from the fandom. It's okay to have different opinions on fiction, but maybe let's all remember there are actual real life people having to read this shit daily
#sabine wren#shin hati#ahsoka#star wars#wolfwren#this is why i am so fucking tired of the “both sides are annoying!!!!” talking point#some people are straight up fucking bigots and you let them get away with too much by saying:#“oh all shippers are the same and you're all annoying”#yes we're all annoying 100% agreed#but some are ALSO fucking homophobic + biphobic + lesbophobic + transphobic#mayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyybe lets not say “everyone be nice :((((” and act like EVERYONE is the same#because it's fucking not#star wars wlw#tw homophobia#tw queerphobia#tw lesbophobia#sapphic star wars#star wars lesbians#mine#my edits
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You know, I'm still fucking angry with the so-called friends who saw homosexual women and girls being demonized and just pretended not to know. There was this one person who nearly drove me to kermit, it is so absolutely mortifying now in hindsight, but she was someone I knew and cared about in real life - and I didn't want to meet her friend's newly "hatched" friend who she herself reported had said some dumb misogynistic shit. What was important to note was my state of mind at the time - I had spent a few years (about 6 years ago now) watching lesbians (and mainly lesbians) get bullied off their online safe spaces for being specific about their attractions or for making innocuous "no pregnancy" jokes. Obviously their intent was to dissuade the usual "cishet" but we all know which camp decided to hunt these women and girls down and harrass them with anything from "r u a torf" to literal rape and death threats. I watched it happen to some of my younger lesbian ex mutuals who eventually deactivated (I hope they're all safe and happy now). Some of these blogs I'd spoken to only a few times but I know they had a strong following - and noone intervened. Again... These girls had zero intention to hurt other lgbt people. And noone cared.
I've seen, in fact, people pile on - straight people, bisexual people, women even. Just jumping on the bandwagon because "the lesbians are having it too good". Sickening. I wholeheartedly curse these bigots (as well as the main perpetrators) to a life of suffering.
And there was noone to talk to about it. Everyone was pretending it wasn't happening, or too scared to say anything, or straight up telling you that you were making it up. Now I imagine lesbians in "first world countries" still often need some place for connection to what they are - if they were from a small homophobic hometown or even a large city where they lived in as a loner. Girls from religions that demonizes same sex attraction and ones from families that openly tell you being the opposite gender was preferable to being homosexual.
Let alone lesbians from countries like mine.
So when I opened up to someone from my personal life about what I was seeing in what I previously considered a safe space, I expected some balanced neutral stance where they would acknowledge it at the very least. But we all know that's not what anyone wanted to do, let alone 5 years ago when suddenly c1s lesbians were villains of the highest order - never mind that they had homophobia, sexism, AND most of them had racism to contend with. No, my friend quite literally made me feel like I was "focusing on the wrong things" and that I was the bad person for not turning away like everyone else.
Nothing could have worked faster to inform me that my observations didn't matter, that lesbians didn't matter, and that this world wanted us nonexistent.
Hell, nothing could have told me faster that this person wasn't even a fucking lesbian - or that she was, now I suspect after 5 years on, filled with internalized misogyny and homophobia.
It wasn't even mainly her fault, to be honest - it was a collective effort by everyone involved and those who very conspicuously did not get involved. The whole witch-hunt for things that lesbians quickly interpreted as a full-out attack against what they naturally are. "Nobody believed you weren't making those choices, as opposed to being that way. So why don't you just stop? Hey if you decide to off yourself instead, well it's still a choice!"
The flimsiness of it all is so telling. Never mind that women of multi-sex sexual orientations existed, no it was the homosexual women they had to target for their ideal dating pool - the women that CLEARLY would not be able to reciprocate. And everyone else just jumped onboard with "yeah that sounds like a good way to fix homosexual women" "yeah lesbians shouldn't make assumptions about people's genitals"
This alongside the fact that self ID was extremely popular, meaning anyone could identify in and out of anything - while a lot of these peoplr were ALSO saying that sex either didn't exist or wasn't as important as gender. Obviously, the cishet men who had an obsession with raping lesbians saw a chance and the other cishet men AND EVERYONE ELSE decided not to notice that, that wasn't happening actually. Imagine the fucking evil of it all - editing in here that many bystanders, without questioning what was really happening, often took to piling on the lesbian and driving her to ostracization OR breaking down and agreeing to abuse.
The only thing that keeps me from turning against ALL of them are the tr4ns people I've met who wholeheartedly reject this crap. They're depressed by it and understandably so. Tr4nsness used to be a coping mechanism for homosexual and ssa bisexual people in the past for the most part - the culture that has festered around genders today follows the most heterosexual logic anyone's ever seen. Which of course means that everyone is encouraged to be raging sexists, rigid homophobes, and even get in some racism while they're at it. And of course, the lesbophobia is through the fucking depths of space itself.
I've spent years wrangling with the sense of betrayal from people I know and people I don't (the fallout of relying on online spaces) and facing the truth of hatred, bigotry and plain old narrow-minded thinking. I've been on the other side of the tracks but I had my eyes opened real fast, and unfortunately stayed on the other side for a long time, tentatively trying to talk about what had been happening and being ignored. So I took a trip, I crossed the tracks, and honestly now I've boarded the train that doesn't head in either direction.
But I know which side is at least telling the bare-faced truth.
#text#fucking the d n i lmao but don't fucking try to start something in bad faith because I will just block you
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物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)
Alpha Jungkook x Omega Oc!
Genre : Angst , Hurt/ Comfort.
Chapter 1 ⋆ Chapter 2 ⋆ Chapter 3 Chapter 4 ⋆ Chapter 5 ⋆
Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8
Summary : Nine months after her marriage ends, Kim Heejin is a reclusive artist, who works out of a renovated warehouse in Busan, her days and nights spent with canvas and paint. Its exactly what she’s ever wanted, to be left alone. And yet, that nagging feeling of incompletion keeps her on her toes. And perhaps, it is that longing for something substantial, something real that pushes her to give her flawed but lovable ex-husband another chance.
Chapter 9
“I… No. Just… please tell him I’ll be down…I’ll come down to the lobby to meet him.” I said quickly, panicking at the idea of having him here. I’d barely been here a day but this was still my space. And if I had him here then his scent would just seep into every nook and corner.
The room would smell like him then… And what would I do after he left?
God, what was I even thinking? Head swimming, I crawled to the edge of the bed and breathed shakily.
It felt surreal, climbing out of the bed and moving to the vanity . I stared at myself in the mirror as I grabbed the makeup bag I kept with me all the time. Wide eyes and parted lips, creamy gold skin turning lily white because of how the blood had just drained after that phone call.
I looked petrified .
Jungkook… I thought numbly. Jungkook’s waiting downstairs and I’m going to see him.
What is he thinking.... What is he feeling... why is he even here?
You’re not responsible for his emotions, Taehyung’s soothing voice in my head helped a bit but not a whole lot. What about my emotions, I though desperately, grabbing the tube of gloss and slowly uncapping it. I ran the end of it over my lips and felt my fingers tremble because I didn’t know why I felt this need …to look beautiful.
I didn’t need to, I though miserably. Everyone knew omegas were beautiful. Beta supermodels were beautiful yes but they couldn’t hold a candle to me, at least for someone like Jungkook. He was an alpha, his brain was built to find me attractive. I had evolutionary genetics on my side, which mean that if I ever actually wanted to seduce Jungkook , he wouldn’t really stand a chance .
But I didn’t want that.
I had had enough of that. Enough of seeing handsome, rich alphas being reluctantly attracted to me. They made it obvious too. Most of the hate mail I got stemmed from angry wives or girlfriends accusing me of seducing their men , even though I’d never so much as laid my eyes on them. It was so unfair.
I didn’t enjoy watching them lose their minds at the sight and scent of me, because i knew that deep down, they thought that all omegas were scum.
Manipulative, sex driven , greedy and selfish . Those were the labels I got plastered with , on the media and on the streets.
And Jungkook wasn’t different, I reminded myself firmly, pulling away from the mirror and grabbing the loose powder and dusting down some of it on the apple of my cheeks and down the length of my nose.
He didn’t think any different than the others. Jungkook’s views on omegas were just as archaic and bigoted as everyone else’s .
He just didn’t act on them .
Sighing, I dropped the lipgloss back in the back and brushed my hair off my face. On a whim , I pulled off the hair tie holding the thick strands together, letting the wavy tresses fall over my shoulder. I hadn’t cut my hair in a long time and it felt to my hips now. My stylist was adamant that it added to my aesthetic.
A primal siren, she had said staring at me in awe, like something eternal and beautifully dangerous. We’re lucky you seem incapable of hate, Heejin ...because I think you could bring grown men to their knees with that body and that face.
I felt nauseous at the thought of it.
Walking to the elevator felt like walking the plank and I had stop a couple of times, just to breathe deeply. I had to be smart about this. I was in therapy. Taehyung had taught me how to handle situations like this and while my heart was pounding too hard and my brain was too scrambled to use any of his therapy techniques, I still had some of my cognitive abilities intact.
He came here, i thought desperately.
He came looking for you and that means he isn’t nervous or worried or overthinking this because he doesn’t have feelings for you. If you want to come out of this unscathed, you need to get your head on straight. You need to pretend that you didn’t just have a minor mental breakdown at the thought of him dating someone else.
I took a deep breath, exhaling sharply before stepping into the elevator. The ride down to the lobby was barely a few seconds and when I stepped out, I realized the place was way too crowded for such an exclusive Hotel. And then I remembered that people were here for the Art Festival. I glanced at the reception desk, covertly, noting a conspicuous lack of Jeon Jungkook. The lady behind the desk held her hand up when she spotted me .
“Ms. Kim? Mr. Jeon just went to get you a drink...He’s over by the breakfast counter over there.” She pointed out the dining space where people were walking about getting breakfast and I swallowed, feeling hot and cold as I cautiously stepped into the crowd, trying to find a that familiar head of thick dark hair.
I felt the apprehension build as I tugged on my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to reign in the chaos in my mind but it was impossible, everything too loud and too messy. I looked around and then, it hit me.
His scent.
I felt my lips part in surprise, and it felt like someone had turned the volume down , noises fading into a dull hum at the back of my mind as I stared at him. He hadn’t spotted me yet and I took a second to just....look.
He looked incredible.
There was really no other word for it. Incredibly handsome, Incredibly beautiful and so incredibly perfect as the late morning sun lit up the room, picking out the shine on his white silk shirt. I breathed in deep, my mindeasily picking out the musky pine scent of him and I stepped closer, moving straight towards him and I caught the exact moment my scent his senses.
He jerked a bit, nostrils flaring and eyes going wide before he turned, lips parted and gaze a bit unfocused as he looked around.
When he caught sight of me, he just blinked.
I smiled weakly, body going limp with relief because.... because this was Jungkook. Not some monster I had to run from. This was Jungkook....even at his worst he had been better than some of the other people I’d met in life.
I looked down at the drink in his hand and smiled a bit as he made his way over.
“ This isn’t the same as buying me a coffee.” I said shakily as he finally stepped upto me.
His eyes danced with warmth.
“What makes you think I can afford one? Besides, aren’t you the hotshot artist? Shouldn’t you be the one buying me stuff?” He said softly.
“Just saw you on the front cover of a magazine. We both know you’re far from destitute..” Even through the smile, I felt the tug of emotion as I stared at him, felt the difference in him like night and day, the light and joy and ...contentment that seemed to radiate off him .
He smiled and held the drink out to me gently.
“ Heejin-ah.” He whispered.
And somehow it was the sound of his voice, wrapping around the syllables of my name that finally did it.
I felt the tears brim over, my lips parting in choked laughter as I stepped close and wrapped both my arms around him, burying my face in his neck and breathing him in. I felt him hold me, infinitely gentle and I exhaled sharply.
“I didn’t miss you, at all.” I said shakily. He laughed lightly.
“I missed you , too.” He stroked the back of my head gently and I sighed, fingers curling on the silk of his shirt. The fabric felt like liquid in my fingers and I played with it for a second, intensely aware that people were starting to stare. That this embrace had gone on for longer than social norms dictated but I couldn’t bring myself to care, letting my chin rest against his shoulder blades.
And it was almost frightening.....how easy it was to pretend we weren’t broken at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“She was so small when I last held her... I can’t believe she’s running around.” I said, awed, listening to Jungkook tell me about how Mina liked to climb everywhere. He laughed, shaking his head.
"She’s growing bigger everyday. I can barely keep up.” Jungkook smiled, holding a hand out for me to step over the wooden slats that lined the tiny archway that led to the door to his building. I hesitated before lightly gripping his hand in mine, the gesture somehow feeling more intimate that it was.
“You’re not staying at the Firenze?” I asked curiously, resisting the urge to reach for his hand again when he let go.
it was such a ridiculous thing but I’d never held hands with him. And It felt ridiculously nice, to slot my fingers with his, feel them in between mine. His palm against mine, calloused but somehow so comforting.
I’d forgotten how warm he was.
Don’t. Don’t fall down this rabbit hole again, Heejin. We talked about this. He doesn’t think of you that way. He doesn’t. And neither should you. its unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve that.
“No... As you can see my apartment is barely ten minutes away and Soeun has her exams so its easier for her to watch over Mina here at the apartment.
“Soeun?” I asked curiously.
“Park Soeun? She’s a University student who lives with me. She’s doing a correspondence course in fashion . So she’s home all the time and she helps out with Mina. And she speaks Italian so that’s a huge plus... ” He smiled. “ you’ll like her. She’s a good kid.”
Don’t make that face. Don’t fucking make that face, Heejin.
I struggled to keep my face straight , like I wasn’t feeling the weight of a dozen bricks at the base of my stomach.
“A roommate...then..?” I asked quietly and he shrugged.
“Something like that. But mostly she helps take care of Mina when I’m out on an assignment.” He smiled and led me past two flight of stairs up to the studio apartment.
I wrapped my arms around myself as he stopped in front of a wrought iron grill, gripping one end and sliding it open with ease. And then he rang the small bell n the side. I shuffled back and forth on my foot, heart racing.
The door opened and I blinked because of how young the girl who opened the door was. A second later she was beaming, moving forward and wrapping both her arms around me.
“Unnie!” She squealed, hugging me so close that I almost choked. Completely thrown I could only gape at Jungkook who was laughing .
“Oh, I forgot to mention..she’s a bit of a fan. “ He teased lightly and I smiled awkwardly, watching as she pulled back to stare at me, her gaze trained on my face unblinkingly.
“Whoa...” She reached out and lightly touched my cheek with her forefinger making me jump. She flinched as well, flushing red.
“Shit..sorry...I just... I’ve never... I’ve never met an omega before.” She said softly. “ You’re absolutely breathtaking.”
I felt my heart pound, steeping back instinctively, an overwhelming urge to hide , anxiety pooling in my stomach as she continued to stare at me. I hated the attention and I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Soeun, enough. Don’t make it weird.” Jungkook said sternly, voice hard and the girl immediately flushed, bowing apologetically.
“Sorry...I.. sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable ... You’re pretty.” She said again before turning to Jungkook.
“I have to get some stuff for my exhibit, Jungkook oppa... Mina’s asleep. i’ll be staying over at Vince’s place for the night though. Is that okay?”
“Sure..have fun.” Jungkook smiled, “ Vince is her boyfriend.” He explained and Soeun nodded happily.
“Italian men are absolutely amazing unnie...you should try some.” She winked and I laughed despite myself.
“I just might...” I said with a grin, watching as she walked over to slip on a pair of sneakers from the small shoe closet near the door. She waved enthusiastically all but bouncing away and I blinked at him , shaking my head.
“I feel a hundred years old right now.” I said softly, still stunned by the girl’s exorbitant energy. Jungkook laughed at that
“She definitely has that effect on people... Come on, I’ll show you around.” He held his hand out and I smiled , taking his fingers mine and letting him tug me further into the studio apartment.
I looked around, taking in the full blown prints of Mina and Jungkook , caught in adorable poses in front of different tourist spots in Florence. I saw how much she looked like Jungkook now, and how openly affectionate they looked together, the love evident even in the still photos.
And then my eyes fell on a familiar painting , my stomach lurching.
“You... “ i turned to him in a rush and he was staring at me with a small smile.
“I had to bring that. It pretty much saved me, that painting.” He said casually, stepping close and running his fingers all over the print.
“When you told me this is how Sooah saw me...” He traced the picture carefully before glancing at me,” it made me realize that Sooah didn’t just want a baby.....she wanted a baby with me. She saw me as a father. As someone who could raise and nurture a tiny human and that... that’s amazing isn’t it?” He sighed, staring at me.
He looked beautiful, I thought with an ache deep inside me. The most beautiful man I’d ever seen in my life and it seemed almost too good to be true. That he was here, at reach. So close. I wondered if this was it. This had to be a sign. A sign that we’d come full circle. That it was over. That we could finally break free from all that we’d been through, and look back at Jungkook’s past with fondness instead of pain.
And perhaps, just perhaps I could reach out and touch him with something more than just the love you have for a friend. . Perhaps I could reach out and touch him, without feeling guilt and foreboding.
I exhaled shakily stepping up and running my fingers over the canvas. It was nothing fancy... Just a painting a painting of Jungkook holding Mina up by her waist, high over his head, staring up into her face with all the love and adoration in the world, The child in the painting doesn’t look exactly like Mina, of course, but I’d had no idea , seeing as Sooah had commissioned the painting when she was pregnant. But Jungkook.... Jungkook looked exactly like he did now : Happy and at peace.
“You’re alright, then?” I asked quietly , a wealth of meaning behind the words and he smiled , nodding gently.
“I’m fine…” He whispered , “ And I’m so glad I can tell you that, like this. Thank you for coming , Heejin-ah . I know you owe me nothing but.. I wanted to show you that… it wasn’t all bad you know. What we went through… Something good did come out of it.” He whispered.
I choked out a sob.
“I lied.” I whispered. “ I did miss you. Even when I knew I shouldn’t.”
Jungkook’s gaze softened.
“I have a lot to be sorry for. But I don’t want to remind you of those things. I just want you to know that… I understand what you went through…those six months. I understand that it was difficult and painful and i… I’m grateful that you didn’t give up on me. And I’m grateful that you stayed in my life. Because I know I didn’t deserve that.”
“You deserve to be loved Jungkook.” I said quietly. “ Its not wrong to move on. You deserve to… find happiness again.”
He stared at me, his gaze soft and gentle.
“I can almost believe it, when you say it that way.” He laughed. “ And… you know… I’m not sure if its love. But there’s someone I’ve been…. Well, I can sort of see myself with her. .” He grinned a little, smile boyish as he ran his fingers through his hair. He glanced at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.
Wait… was he going to?....
“ I met her at Taehyung’s practice, a year ago. Her name is Lee Hyorin.” Jungkook looked at me, doe eyes shining with excitement.
And just like that the world ended.
Or so it felt.
It was like being dipped in icy cold water, the shock of it rendering me speechless, lips parted and breath catching in lungs.
Blood rushed through my ears, so fast that I felt lightheaded, my legs nearly giving out. White noise filled my skull, pain lancing sharp through my heart like a thousand paper cuts, and I couldn’t really breathe. It took a few seconds…. For my heart to catch up with what my mind had just processed. And when it finally did, the pain was so excruciating, I had to clench my fists, nails digging into the flesh of my palm to ground myself.
“She’s an alpha…and she lost her husband around the same time Sooah passed..” Jungkook gave me a soft smile. “ She’s actually a curator at one of the museums here. She’s the one who made all the arrangements for me to move here to Florence. ”
“Wow… That’s…” devastating,. “ That’s good news. Jungkook.. I.. How long…” My voice cracked, and I had to swallow. “ How long have you guys been dating?”
“About three months now. We’re taking it very slow, because we aren’t really ready. She has a son too. He’s three years old. Mina loves him so that’s a plus.” He laughed.
My lungs constricted, breathing difficult and my head swam because ….. what. Realization set in so quickly, I was left reeling. I was in love with this bastard, I thought miserably. So in love with him that it felt like he was shredding my heart into ribbons. Every word of his mouth felt like a sharp deep stab, straight through the center of my heart and the pulsing, beating organ was on the verge of giving out.
“She’s going to be there at the dinner tonight at the Festival. She’s one of the organizers by the way. She’s kind of the reason I got in, I think.” He laughed , looking abashed and what a load of bull that was. Jungkook was successful and well known. Superbly talented at his chosen field. She was lucky to have him.
How can she have him when I’m the one who fixed him? How is that fucking fair?
“She really understands the things I’ve been going through, the past few months and because we both still attend therapy with Taehyung, we’re able to talk about a lot of stuff. Stuff I can’t share with others…” Jungkook was saying and I tuned him out, not wanting to hear another word.
I swallowed, choking on bile. I could feel sweat gathering on my scalp, my skin clammy and damp , the air between us shifting into something poisonous and filled with so much dismay, it was a miracle he hadn’t picked up on it.
Couldn’t he sense how distressed I was? Couldn’t he see how his words were hurting? Couldn’t he fucking see that I couldn’t live without him? Why on earth couldn’t he see me the way he apparently saw every other woman on the damn planet…..
Because he’s a shitty Alpha, I thought miserably, willing myself not to burst into tears. He was a shitty excuse for an alpha back then and he’s the same now.
A low, distressed cry began somewhere behind him and he jumped.
“Oh, shit she’s up… come on, Heejin.” He said with a bright smile, turning around and rushing down a small hallway and I willed myself to breathe in deeply, reminding myself that this wasn’t the end of the world. I could get through this. Besides, it was Mina.
Beautiful, perfect Mina who had been there for me. She would see me and she would give me that sweet gummy smile of hers, does eyes twinkling and I would get through this. Because her smile was what was important. Her smile and her joy and her happiness.
The sobbing had slowed down to small hiccups and I stepped past the threshold cautiously, watching as Jungkook bent over the large crib, carefully lifting her out and into his arms. She looked breathtaking, an absolutely gorgeous little girl . I stared, mesmerized as I stepped closer. My arms ached, and my chest tightened. Lips wobbling, I exhaled sharply, moving to reach for her.
She turned to glance at me and just as my fingers brushed her cheek, she recoiled.
Hard.
A loud wail tore through her tiny body and I felt my eyes go wide. Her casual little cry had turned into a sobbing , loud wail and I could smell the distress in her , the fear and distrust as she curled away from me. Jungkook looked stunned as well, instinctively drawing her close and embracing her, moving away from me because….
Because I was the reason, she was distressed.
My skin went ice cold at the revelation and I stumbled back, stunned.
“I… I’m sorry.” I choked out, confused and disoriented. Jungkook looked stricken, gently rocking her back and forth and she clung to him, gripping his shirt and I bit my lips, moving further back and I glanced at him, my heart shattering.
“She’s …She’s still sleepy… She doesn’t do well with strangers…” He said softly, looking upset, “ Maybe you could…wait outside…”
Stranger…. Was that what I was?
“I… I’ll go. I’ll just go.” I turned on my heel, rushing out of the door and struggling to breathe in air, my heart clenching so hard I was sure I was going to pass out. I felt my knees give out when I reached the couch, dropping down and drawing my knees up , wrapping my arms around my legs . I didn’t know how long I sat there, fighting sobs and choking on air…and when I finally came to myself, the sobs from the room had died out.
“She’s fallen asleep again.” Jungkook’s voice cut through the silence and I couldn’t bring myself to look up. I felt him move closer, felt his scent hit me as he stepped right up to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me.
I looked up at him, lips wobbling as I took in his handsome face. A face that was so deeply carved into my heart and my soul, I couldn’t imagine living without it. Without him. The tears came then, helpless and endless and so painful.
He pressed in closer, cupping my face in his palms, thumb brushing the tears that spilled over so relentlessly.
“Heejin…” He whispered and I let my fingers curl around his wrist as his thumb kept brushing the curve of my cheeks. I took a deep , shaky breath .
“She doesn’t remember me…. “ I whispered, “ She doesn’t recognize me at all…She hates me……” I choked out , despair filling every last crevice of my insides, gut twisting as I remembered how Mina had twisted away from me, how her scent had soured in distress at the sight of me, at the touch of my fingers.
And I wondered if it was different with this other woman..Hyorin, wasn’t it? Did Mina climb into her arms with ease? Did she curl into her chest and sleep? The way she used to with me, when she was a month old and missing the warmth of a mother.. ….
All those nights spent in that tiny nursery, lying on the cold unforgiving floor, watching the rise and fall of Mina’s chest through the dark room…telling myself it was worth it… it was worth being touched against my will, worth being treated like filth by a man driven mad with grief and anger….all because of this baby…this tiny little baby who had needed me….
And now…she didn’t even know who I was…..worse…she was repulsed by the very sight of me… I couldn’t cope.
“Look at me…” Jungkook rasped, voice raw and cracking. “she doesn’t hate you, Heejin… she just … you feel new to her… different…”
I shook my head, unable to think about anything beyond the sheer devastation that filled me, the way his daughter had pulled away and run, had refused to come anywhere near me. I realized with lancing pain that I’d wanted to see her, way more than I’d wanted to see Jungkook .
Because she was the reason I’d hung on for so long in that marriage which had been the biggest fucking mistake of my life…. the only reason I’d stuck around . Mina …Having her in my arms, her scent against my face, that had been the only genuine happiness I’d experienced in a marriage filled with sheer , unending misery.
“I… she… Why doesn’t she remember? “ I breathed, sagging into his arms, tears soaking his shoulders and his palm ran up and down my back.
“Because she was a baby. Heejin…. I left when she was a baby…”
“Why did you?” I snapped. “ Did it hurt you so much? The thought of living under the same sky as me ? Why you did you go?” I demanded.
Jungkook pulled back, hands coming up to grip my shoulder, holding me at arms length.
“Look at me.” He whispered. “ I had to … You know I had to go….I was hurting you. I was… I was draining you of life. Destroying you… “
Jungkook’s words reminded me of who he was. Of who I was… Of who I was to him.
I choked out, sobbing.
“I hate you. You treated me like scum. Like a crutch….. Like some sort of tool to get better and you just left… you…”
You found someone better. You broke me down and now you’ve gone and found someone better….because I was never good enough for you… I was never someone you could love….
“I had to let you go. I had to end that relationship because it was tainted with so much grief and anger and selfishness and greed. I knew that anything I did afterwards would be tainted by my actions… I… I had to make amends, Heejin. And do you think for a second, that it wasn’t the hardest thing I ever did? That walking out on you wasn’t one of the most devastating things I’ve ever experienced? But I did it for us… for this…”
I stared at him.
“And what is this?” I asked brokenly.
“This is me, being able to touch you like this.” Jungkook pressed a palm to my cheek, “ And not feeling guilt or sadness or grief or loss. I did it so we could have this…this… This thing where I can look at you and hold you and see that you’re healing. That you’re doing better… That you’re living the life you want…. That you’re happy. This is me standing here , in front of you and smiling because I’m happy too. Happy that you’re here. ” He exhaled, “ I’m happy that despite all the hurt we’ve been through for and because of each other, I can look at you now and tell you, honestly, that I’m glad to see you.”
What a joke.. What a fucking joke.
I smiled shakily.
“Well… “ I said softly, my stomach churning because I was done. Done with him and mostly with myself. “ Isn’t that absolutely wonderful.”
His gaze softened and he smiled.
“I want us to be friends, Heejinah. Even though we don’t see or talk to each other, I think of you often. And when Mina’s old enough to understand , I’ll tell her all about you… I want you in our lives. You’re a friend. ”
I stared at him , feeling the words echo in my skull . It left an acrid taste on my senses, the way he put me into this neat little box, friend. So ….insignificant. Everyone had hundreds of friends. There was nothing even remotely special about being someone’s friend.
Friend just meant replaceable and forgettable. And just like Mina didn’t remember me…. Someday Jungkook wouldn’t either. The knowledge filled my veins spreading all over my body and leaving a fierce, heavy ache in my chest.
It was my fault, I thought despondently. My fault because I had been an idiot.
Jungkook was the sane one here , I thought miserably. These nine months, while I’d been dwelling on him and worrying for him…he had done the healthy thing , by moving on with someone he could actually envision a future with….
What had I done, these past nine months? Dreamt up a fantasy world where somehow we found our way back to each other and built a life together… It seemed so foolish now, in the light of Jungkook’s words and his confession….
Jungkook had done all of this, not for me…but for himself. For his daughter whom he loved and for his wife , whose memory he wanted to honor. And perhaps it was my own delusion that made me think that I’d played some stellar role in his healing…. Maybe if I hadn’t been there, he would have gotten better just the same…. Maybe I hadn’t been a tool …as much as a hindrance …to his healing.
I shook my head, bitterness coating my tongue.
“I should get going.” I whispered , voice shaking.
This is it, I told myself. This is the last time you look at him with that heaviness in your heart. You deserve better. You deserve… a lot of things. And just because people don’t give it to you doesn’t mean you have to settle for less……
“So soon? Hyorin will be back in a couple of hours… I could show you some of my work, and we could get lunch ….”
I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to meet her in his home. Didn’t want to see him being domestic and affectionate and …normal with her when all I’d ever seen was Jungkook in his anger and grief, either yelling abuses or gripping me with a lust that was tainted with violence and rage. I stared at his hands, the ones I’d liked holding….
How did I forget? That those were the same hands that had held me down and done things that should, rightfully have landed him in prison?
I shook my head, to clear the images out of my head. Looking at him now, Jungkook looked eager, happy and healed. And I realized that he’d just pushed all of his own actions out of his mind. Forgotten all about it. And that was fair. He probably didn’t even remember any of it. He had been drunk out of his mind, lost in his head and surely, forgetting must’ve been easy… A relief.
I didn’t begrudge him that.
But…
I hadn’t been drunk. I’d been stone cold sober under him on that bed and so, maybe forgetting didn’t come that easily for me. And I was glad that Jungkook could move on and be happy but….
But I couldn’t stay here and pretend that it was the same for me. I wasn’t happy or healed, I thought miserably. And maybe , maybe the sight of him moving on was a sign that I had to stop thinking that healing meant going back to him and his daughter.
“Heejin… What’s wrong? Is it because of Mina.. she’s just not used to…” He began but I quickly pressed a palm to his chest, smiling.
“Strangers.” I said softly. “ I know. That’s not it… You know I have to introduce my exhibit at dinner tonight. I don’t know what the itinerary is or what I’m supposed to say…. None of it.. I need to meet my agent and prep myself a bit. Its alright…I’ll see you tonight.” I said softly.
“I’m sorry… I can’t walk you back because Mina-“
“Of course. Don’t worry about it…. I’ll just…”
The doorbell rang, startling me.
“Jungkook!” A strong voice called out and I went still.
“Hyorin?” Jungkook’s face lit up and I felt my stomach churn. God, the universe really was against me wasn’t it? Sighing in defeat, I wrapped my arms around myself, sitting back down on the couch and waiting.
Behind me , I could hear hushed whispers, soft laughter and shuffling feet. My mouth went dry.
“Ms. Kim….”
I turned around, greeted by the sight of a tall, strapping young woman, pretty by any standards. She was dressed in a pant suit , her hair long and straight, hitting the top of her shoulders. She looked smart… Important.
“Ms. Lee… Its nice to meet you.”
She held her hand out and I shook it gently. Jungkook smiled at her fondly and his phone rang from somewhere inside the studio.
“Hang on that’s probably Soeun…” He smiled at me and moved away and I watched him leave before shifting my gaze to Hyorin, who was staring down at me with a small smile.
“Are you here in Italy by yourself? Or with one of your many …uh… patrons ?” She smirked.
I blinked.
“Patrons?” I asked softly. “ Excuse me?”
“Jungkook and I’ve been following all the stories about you, back in Korea. You get around quite a lot… don’t you? Every alpha within a 100 mile radius wants a piece of the lovely Kim Heejin… And honestly, could anyone blame them? You look exquisite.”
I stared at her, stunned. The implication was so obvious that I would be an idiot not to realize what she was hinting at. So this was the woman , Jungkook chose? Yet another prejudiced bigot?
I laughed a bit, feeling my heart sink.
“I’m not seeing anyone. If that’s what you’re asking.” I said quietly.
Hyorin smirked at that.
“Of course you aren’t… We all know that isn’t really something your kind does… monogamy, right?”
“Do you have a problem with me Hyorin ssi?” I asked roughly and she laughed.
“Oh come on.. we’re all adults, here. And Heejin, you agreed to be a part of this festival, knowing full well, that’s what we think . Its because deep down you know I’m right….. Omegas can’t stay with one alpha. They need sex to survive and they are usually open to it with anyone. Not that I’m blaming you or judging you for it. It’s just how you’re built.”
I smiled wide, ignoring the urge to claw at her face. .
“Well, you’ve definitely got me all figured out haven’t you? “ I shook my head, glancing at Jungkook who was making his way over.
“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously and I smiled, glancing at her.
“ Hyorin ssi was just telling me how my sub gender makes it impossible for me to not go around whoring with every alpha I see…….” I glanced at him and Jungkook straightened, looking stunned, “ Well, I hope you two enjoy your beautiful monogamous relationship with each other something an omega like me can only fantasize about…. Right Jungkook?” I smiled and he looked completely lost.
“Wait…What? Hyorin what did you say?” He demanded and she was glaring at me now.
“Please don’t take it personally, I was only talking about omegas in general. “ Hyorin frowned, before bowing and moving away to stalk off in the direction of the bedrooms and I watched her, feeling dirty and terrible.
“Heejin, ignore her.. she’s just old fashioned and-“
“Is that what you’re going to call it?” I snapped and Jungkook froze.
“Heejin…”
I shook my head in disbelief.
“I’m not upset about what she said. I’m upset that she feels comfortable enough, spouting that bullshit to me , in your house. Makes me wonder what else she’s told you about omegas, and how much of it you probably agreed with.”
Jungkook stared at me , lips parted.
“I… I don’t feel that way. You know that.” He said stiltedly.
“Do I? All I know is that she knows about me, about who I am and apparently, she can call me a slut…. In front of you, without worrying about it upsetting you. And that tells me you’re as much of a bigot as she is.”
“Heejin… You know that’s not it. We all grow up being fed certain things and –“
“But you did grow up right?” I snapped. “ you grew up and you can think and act for yourself. As can she. Once you’re an adult, you don’t have a single fucking excuse for being racist or homophobic or bigoted because being an adult means having the ability to unlearn the toxic things you’ve been taught and relearn how to be a decent fucking human.”
I shook my head as he stared at me.
“And you know what…please just… just don’t call me or consider me as a friend.” I laughed. “ Because I don’t think I can consider you one. Not anymore. You can’t…...You can’t just love certain parts of me and be disgusted by others you know? I don’t need a friend who can care about me and love me and help me as long as he can forget that I’m an omega….. I need a friend who can love every jagged, broken , part of me. Who can call out people who talk bullshit at me , who can look someone in the eye and tell them they’re wrong when they’re calling me names and that’s not who you are……. You’re not it.” I snapped.
Jungkook looked stricken, reaching out to hold me and I stepped away, annoyed.
“I’m sorry, Heejin, you’re right … I’ll talk to her… I’ll…” He began but I shook my head.
“Whatever. Just don’t call me a friend. We can’t be friends. Let’s just be what we always were , yeah? A big fucking mistake that never should have happened.”
I stormed out of the door, shaking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What do you mean, there are no flights available for today?” I snapped. “Tell them money isn’t an issue. I need to get out of this place right now.”
Minho looked incredibly stricken, hair messy from how often he’d run his fingers through.
“ We just arrived seven hours ago, Hee. Of course there’s no flight yet…. We can stay another day…attend the dinner and-“
“No.” I snapped. “ Absolutely not. I’m not here because they find my art good or worth putting up. I’m here because they know the alphas around here will want to pay more , to pour in more cash for a chance with me.” I held the embossed booklet up, waving it in his face.
“Heejin…” He protested but I shook my head.
“ Did you see the cost to get into my pane ?. Extra ….for alphas? And yet…apparently they had to pre book it and its filled? You think any of the lecherous bastards who paid money to see me , gives a shit about my art? And apparently, there’s a meet and greet, for alphas only if they purchase seven or more paintings worth over 10000 Euros. Do you think, that’s what I’m worth?”
Minho looked down at his shoes, ashamed.
“I .. I’m sorry, Hee. You’re right. Its offensive . And an insult to your art and talent. We shouldn’t have come here, you’re right. And I regret it… But just… give me a few hours, yeah? I’ll find a way to get us out of here….”
I exhaled sharply, exhaustion weighing heavy on my head. I felt like I’d taken a pounding, physically and mentally and I wondered how a day that had started so well, could go so wrong, so fast…
Shaking my head, I trudged wearily to the elevator, knocking on the buttons before sagging against the wall, letting my eyes flutter shut.
Jungkook was dating.
Jungkook was dating. His girlfriend thought I was a slut and here I was about to prove her right.
I wanted to slit someone’s throat.
Sighing, I watched the door slide open, grabbing my keys out of my bag, and moving to the suite. I opened the door before making a beeline for the bed. I collapsed on the soft duvet, groaning. I was torn between wanting to call Taehyung to yell at him about Jungkook and calling Minho to demand an update on the flights.
I was spared the dilemma when the phone in the room rang. Groaning, I moved to swat at the phone, turning on the speaker.
“Ms. Kim? There’s a Mr. Jeon here to see you?”
I blinked, feeling disbelief swell inside me. Did he not get the hint?
Annoyed, I sat up.
“Send him up.” I said, in no mood to go all the way down to see him.
“Up?” She sounded surprised, “ To your room?”
“Yes. To my room. Is that a fucking problem?” I growled, annoyed.
“Not at all Ms. Kim. He’ll be right up.”
I got out of bed, shrugging off my jacket and taking off my dress as well. It was a little damp because I’d sweated through the fabric. I grabbed one of my oversized t shirts , slipping it on and moving to open the door before retreating back to the inner room. Feeling annoyed, I walked up to the vanity and grabbed the hair brush, running the bristles through my locks. I heard his footsteps outside and stiffened.
“If you’re here to defend your shitty girlfriend, you can just leave Jungkook. I swear to God, I’ve had enough of this.” I shouted. He didn’t reply and my hackles rose.
“Listen, I’m sorry if I said something harsh-“ I froze when I reached the doorway, staring at the man in front of me. He had a large , almost humongous bouquet of wild orchids and roses in his hand and I stared at his face.
This was definitely not Jungkook.
“Umm… hi.” The man bowed awkwardly, his gaze going straight to my legs, where my t shirt ended, just a couple of inches past my waist. I felt the blood rush to my face.
“Who are you…Get out !!!” I shouted, horrified, diving for my jacket and holding it up against my bare thighs. The man held both his hands up, eyes wide..
“I’m sorry… I… you said I could come up to your room….” He protested and I scowled, confused.
“What? “ I stared, stunned… “ Who…what?”
“I’m Wonwoo. Jeon Wonwoo. I’m uh….one of the sponsors for this festival. And a fan. Huge fan.” He was staring at me beseechingly and I felt my head begin to throb.
The sheer relentlessness of this day…..
“I… Mr. Jeon…” So weird, God, “ There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not…. I thought you were someone else.”
“Jungkook yes…your ex husband, right? You were married to him for six months after he lost his wife….. He’s also one of the artists exhibiting their work here.” He nodded quickly, running long fingers through thick glossy hair, lips parting in a hesitant smile and I stared at him.
“How do you know all that? ” I demanded, heart pounding. He immediately held his hands up again.
“I’m sorry… I sound like a stalker, shit. But Trust me I’m not. I just am a huge fan.. I looked up some stuff about you….before.” He shuffled a bit awkwardly, finally looking up at me.
I tried to catch his scent. No scent to speak of. A beta then. Relaxing just a bit, I swallowed. At least I wasn’t in any immediate danger. But still, I had no intention of letting him see me in nothing but a t shirt. Embarrassed, I gripped the jacket tighter.
“Why are you here?” I demanded angrily, taking in his appearance. He didn’t look like a hoodlum or someone dangerous. He was good looking, dressed in a white t shirt and black Jacket over plain black slacks. His shoes looked expensive and I didn’t miss the shiny Rolex on his wrist either,.
“Well, for one thing I own the Hotel.” He chuckled and that made my stomach turn. “And also like I said, I’m one of the main sponsors for the Festival itself.”
“Right.” I was too disoriented to process this, head throbbing. “Of course. Is there a reason why you wanted to see me?”
“I was downstairs…just now… I couldn’t help but overhear you with your agent. You wanted to leave as soon as possible. To pull out of the event and I’m just here to try and change your mind, Ms. Kim.” He smiled earnestly and I realized he was really quite young.
I sighed.
“Could you… Could you wait outside? I want to put some clothes on before we talk any further.” I said tiredly and he bowed quickly.
“Uh… These…I’ll just leave these here.” He placed the large bunch of flowers on the table before quickly leaving the room and I swore, racing to the suitcase in the corner. I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans, slipping them on hastily and zipping myself up before glancing at the mirror again. This would have to do.
I moved to the door and opened it, finding him right there, looking lost.
“I… come in, please.” I said hesitantly and he bowed again, moving in and waiting for me to close the door and take a seat on the couch, before sinking into an arm chair across from me.
“Did you see the itinerary? It doesn’t get more sexualized than this.” I waved the booklet and he flushed.
“I understand you’re upset about … certain things. I’m sorry that you feel objectified , in the festival. It wasn’t the intention I had when I first told Hyorin and the others that I wanted them to invite you. But , I’ve been busy the past month, and I didn’t go over the complete agenda. If I did, I definitely would have made sure that you were treated with just as much respect as the others. Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do now, but I’ve had a word with all of the panelists and also the hosts. We won’t entertain any question or comments of a sexual nature and if anyone tries to insinuate anything , I’ll have them removed from the panel myself. “ He said firmly.
“I’m only here because you told me you would exhibit my mother’s works too.” I said sharply and he bowed.
“ Your mother’s works are just as exquisite and I’ve arranged for them to be displayed right at the center of the arena, with a running slide show of her childhood , her art technique and the great love she had for her daughter.” He said firmly.
I could only stare. He sounded incredibly sincere and there was no mistaking the earnestness in his tone.
“I’m….” I bit my lips, “ Listen, Mr. Jeon, I’m flattered but honestly, I never wanted to be here. I… there was … something else that made me want to come and well, that turned out to be a huge mistake. To be honest, I’m not sure if I have it in me to suffer through days of people treating me like I’m some kind of sex crazed bimbo.” I shook my head.
“how about this.? You let me be your date for tonight and you let me display your work, today at the dinner itself. I’ll be right by your side. And then, I’ll have my private jet on standby and we can fly back to Korea. You deserve the spotlight, Heejin and I want people to see how good you are at what you do. I don’t care if I lose money over this… As long as you’re comfortable. ”
I gawked at him, stunned.
“Private Jet?” I choked out. “ Okay, now I’m genuinely concerned.”
He laughed.
“I’m a Hotelier, and I have properties all over the world and I like to inspect them personally most of the time. Its more practical to have a private jet than to try and align my schedules with everyone else.” He smiled.
“Right. Convenient.” I shook my head. “ I’m no stranger to excessive wealth, Mr. Jeon and trust me, it’s always left a sour taste in my mouth.”
“I don’t flaunt my wealth, Ms. Kim. These clothes? Got them on the streets of Florence. I drive a Mazda. Wealth has no meaning to me. People do. People like you, who bring beauty into the world with their craft. You’ve made my world beautiful and I just want to repay , in some way.” He smiled, “ Also, You’re very beautiful.” He added and then immediately looked away. “ I’m sorry. That was… dumb . I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”
Endeared against my own wishes, I found myself fighting a small smile.
“Just tonight’s dinner?” I asked quietly.
“Just the dinner party.” He assured me quickly.
“Alright. But I’m not getting into any private Jet. My agent will book me tickets and I’ll find my way back to Korea.”
“As you wish. I’ll pick you up at seven. What color is your dress?” He asked casually and I blinked.
“Uh… Wine red? I guess? Why?”
He grinned, looking boyishly handsome.
“I’ll see you at seven, Ms. Kim.”
He bowed, before pausing by the bouquet. He grabbed a couple of flowers, holding them up for me to see.
“Daffodils and Lilacs.” He grinned, “ To finding something new to love. And to new beginnings.”
Wow.
Subtle.
I shook my head, momentarily forgetting all about Jungkook as I grinned all the way back to the bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I told you… coming with me will earn you major points.” Wonwoo smirked as he pulled me in by my waist , holding my dress up for me as I stared at the sleek black limousine at the Hotel entrance. I watched as he held my wrist gently, latching a string of sterling silver and red rubies around the delicate curve of it.
“This is too lavish…I don’t want this…Who are you?” I demanded, flushing because of the way the flashes went off in every direction, reporters scrambling when they caught sight of him. He was clearly popular, if the number of photos being clicked were any indication. I regretted everything.
Wonwoo pressed a kiss to my wrists, right near the bracelet and gently placed my palm on the curve of his elbow, leading me over to the car and I watched the chauffeur open the door for us.
“ Someone who can get anyone here fired. Be careful , sweetheart.” I watched in mute horror as he bent low, picking up the hem of my skirt so I wouldn’t trip, while climbing into the limousine. The reporters began whispering excitedly and more flashes went off . My face completely red, I hastened to climb in.
“These people look at you like you’re some kind of King.” I stared out of the tinted windows seeing the sheer multitude of people and Wonwoo chuckled.
“ That’s because I am. At least for tonight. And that’s why I’m the perfect guy to protect you Heejin. They’re all terrified of me.” He winked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jungkook found me, fifteen minutes into the event. I hung by the large archway, near an alcove, sipping champagne and nibbling on some hors d’oeuvre as people threw glances at me. I noticed the conspicuous lack of a date on his arm and straightened, sighing and bracing myself for more unpleasantness as he picked his way through the crowd, eyes trained on me.
“Can we talk?” He said, the minute he was at hearing distance and I exhaled.
“No.” I said casually and he made a noise of impatience.
“Fucking, hell Heejin..just…” He swore again, looking upset. “ Why are you doing this to me? What do you want from me huh?”
I stared at him in disbelief.
“What do I want from you? Oh, fuck off Jungkook. I want nothing from you.” I snapped, turning on my heel, ready to leave but his hand shot out, gripping me right above my elbow, fingers curling in hard.
“Fuck.. listen. I don’t know what she said to you. I .. I’m sorry if she offended you…. Alright? She’s an alpha… I can’t change the way she thinks…”
“I didn’t ask you to. I merely said that if you associate yourself with people who think I’m scum, I won’t let you into my life. Because I respect myself too much for that.” I said firmly.
“She doesn’t think you’re scum, Heejin come on. She just has some misconceptions about certain things.”
“God, Jungkook…just stop. Alright? Stop. Because I’m not asking you do anything. I’m leaving on a flight tomorrow morning and you’ll never see me again. That’s all there is to it.”
He froze at that, fingers curling harder around my arm and it hurt, the skin turning red. Stupid fucker, never knew his own strength.
“Ow, Jungkook let go.” I whispered, and he did, albeit reluctantly.
I rubbed at the bruised skin, furious. I watched as the redness healed over, the pain fading to a throb and then into a pleasant heat and I hated it. Hated that being an omega meant that Jungkook’s rough touch turned to pleasure on my skin.
“What do you mean you’re leaving tomorrow? The Festival is for two weeks.”
I sighed.
“I didn’t come here for the festival. I came here to see you. To see if you were as hung up on me as I was on you…but apparently not.” I snapped.
Jungkook went perfectly still at that.
“What the fuck does that mean?” He said softly and I laughed, shaking my head.
“Wow. You really never even considered it huh? Us? Together.?” It wasn’t funny at all, but I could only laugh. Probably because I’d been so sure.. So certain that there was something there.
He opened his mouth to answer but I felt a warm solidness behind me, an arm wrapping around my waist and a second later, Wonwoo was there pressing up against me.
“Jungkook-ssi… Such a pleasure to meet you.” He held his hand out, and Jungkook frowned, his eyes trained on where wonwoo’s fingers curled around my waist.
“Get your hands off her.” He said shortly and Wonwoo blinked, pulling away from me and stepping back .
“What the-? No. Fuck you.” I snapped, glaring at Jungkook before grabbing Wonwoo’s hand and bringing it back around me. “Don’t you fucking dare take your hands off.” I held my finger up at his face and Wonwoo looked momentarily stunned.
“Really, Heejin? You’re doing this?” Jungkook glared at me. “ We need to talk.”
“So talk.” I snapped. “ Tell me why you think a bigoted bitch is the best you can do in terms of dating. Tell me why she’s the only one who can ‘ understand’ “ I made air quotes, shaking my head, “ You think you and your shitty have monopoly on grief Jungkook? I’ve lost people too. Just because I haven’t screwed other people over because of it, doesn’t make my grief invalid….yeah.”
Ringing silence followed and I regretted everything.
“Fuck.” I whispered, shaking my head. “ I .. Shit. I need to get out of here.”
I pulled away from Wonwoo, moving out of the huge ballroom and Jungkook was right behind me, of course he was.
“Heejin…fuck. Wait. You’re right. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t understand me. Of course you did. Its why you stuck around… I know that. And you’re right, she had no business talking about you like that. I’ll have a word with her… But…”
I sped up, wanting to get away but he grabbed me again, tugging me closer out of the hall way and into a darkened alcove and I flinched when he pushed me up against the wall, caging me in, as he pressed in closer.
“What did you mean by that?” He demanded, hands coming up to grip my waist, curling gently and my chest heaved at the touch of him, the enclosed space making his scent turn potent, strong and impossible to avoid. My nostril flared as I breathed him in, familiar and yet so foreign, comforting and yet so fucking dangerous.
“By what?” I snapped and his hands moved up, shaping the curves of my body , thumb grazing the tip of my breast and making me jump, before moving up, gripping my face, gently. He pressed his thumb into my lower lip, rubbing back and forth, face impossibly close and I swallowed, throat sandpaper dry.
“About us? Together….” He breathed and I exhaled shakily.
“You know what I meant.” I whispered. “ If you don’t then I can’t explain it.” I whispered and he swore, head dropping against mine, forehead resting against mine, and lips less than a hairsbreadth away.
We’ve never kissed, I thought suddenly. I licked my lips, turning my face away but his fingers gripped my chin at once, yanking me around to stare at him again.
“Look at me, baby. Tell me… You thought about us together?” He whispered .
I breathed shakily.
“Of course I did…. “ I snapped.
“Then clearly therapy isn’t working for you.” He snapped right back and I flinched.
“What-“
Jungkook pulled away staring at me.
“ Do you even remember all the shit I did to you?” He asked quietly. My stomach dropped.
“Jungkook.”
“I broke your ribs.” He said calmly. I swallowed.
“That.. That was an accident. You didn’t mean to.” I protested. “ And we’re past all that… I don’t… I don’t blame you for it.” I said, which was honest enough.
“And what about the nights I got drunk, Heejin….” He said softly and my skin went cold.
“That… That was just… It was just an outlet for your grief… “ I looked away and he scoffed.
“You’re calling it an outlet for grief. I believe the world calls it rape.”
I felt my entire body shiver at the word , moving up to wrap my arms around his neck, trying to pull him close but he was stiff as a board.
“ Don’t” I snapped. “ Don’t …. Its over…it’s in the past.”
“It was still me. I was the one who did it and I can’t… I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
I pulled away to glare at him.
“So , what? You won’t give us a chance because of something I’ve already forgiven you for?”
“Yes.” He said shortly. “ Because you may have forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself.”
I felt my body sag in disbelief.
“Jungkook that’s-“
“You deserve better. You always have. I’m not… I don’t deserve someone like you Heejin. You’re kind and breathtaking and I’m just… a broken mess of a man who’s barely getting by.”
“Oh, right… So broken.” I scoffed. “ You’re on the front page of magazines, you have a successful career and a beautiful girlfriend,,,,forgive me if I’m not breaking my heart over your failures.”
Jungkook exhaled shakily before looking up at me.
“ You wanna know the truth about me, Heejin-ah?” He swallowed. “ I just got out of rehab last week.”
I went still.
“What?” I was sure I’d misheard.
“I… I came here and about a month or so in…I started drinking again…” He glanced away and my heart turned over inside me.
“Jungkook, what?” I demanded, horrified.
“I got drunk and got into an argument with a cop. I hit him. They found out I was a single father and-“ He shook his head, “ I got arrested for disorderly conduct , Public intoxication and assault.”
I stared at him in disbelief, unable to keep the disappointment out of my tone.
“ Arrested for assault... Jungkook why?” I breathed and he flushed.
“I know…. It was stupid.. I… I was stupid.” He said softly. “Soeun isn’t a baby sitter. She’s a social worker. She’s here to keep an eye on me because they want to make sure I’m not a threat to Mina. If I slip up, they’ll deport me back home and then the state will likely take her away from me. Soeun likes me….so she agreed to lie to you ……And as for the girlfriend…” He laughed, shaking his head, “ Hyorin broke up with me after I got arrested. We’re not… We’re not dating. She was only there to get some prints for the panel tomorrow.” He finished shakily.
I stared at him.
“Why?” I demanded . “ Why would you lie to me… Jungkook ….”
“Because I didn’t want you to think I was a screw up.” He said shakily. “ I know I’m supposed to be getting better and I have but… But sometimes I just…I miss…. I miss home. “ He shuddered. “ And you.” He looked up at me. “ I miss you a lot, Heejin and it hurts and I feel like the only way I can forget about you…about us together is if I drink. And I’m sorry. I know I don’t have the right to miss you, not after everything I put you through but I… it’s how I feel. ” He glanced away, trembling a little.
I wrapped my arms around myself, stepping away, feeling myself go cold.
We stayed quiet for a few seconds, both of us staring at the floor lost in our own thoughts. I felt drained. Miserably so. Like someone had sucked all the strength out of me. I realized how badly I had wanted Jungkook to be okay. To heal and be himself again. And I’d spent the last nine months, fully convinced that he was. That he was doing what he loved, bonding with his daughter building a life for himself.
But apparently, he was also spiraling back into addiction as well.
It was like we were back in that apartment, both of us miserable but desperate to be something we clearly were not : Okay.
“Does Taehyung know?” I asked finally and Jungkook hesitated before nodding.
“He was at my court hearing three weeks ago. He’s the reason I haven’t already lost her.” Jungkook whispered.
“What did he say?”
“He thinks I should come back to Korea.” Jungkook said quietly. “ He wants me to start therapy again with him. Every week. “
I nodded.
“Fair enough. And what do you think?”
“I think I will. My probation ends in three days. I’ll… I’ll start making arrangements afterwards. I’ll probably be back in a few weeks time. ”
I stared at him, finally seeing the things I hadn’t noticed this morning. The shadows beneath his eyes, the worry lines on his brow. I wondered if he would have ever told me the truth, if not for this little confrontation between us.
Silence descended again and I bit my lips, a million thoughts running through my head. I felt the pull of his scent through it all, an instinctive urge to reach out and touch and draw him close and I wondered if this was it. That for the rest of our lives we would just be drawn to each other, reluctant and hurt but unable to stay away.
“You’re leaving tomorrow then?” He asked quietly breaking through the fog in my head.
“Well obviously not.” I snapped. “ I’m not leaving you. I’ll tell Minho, we’ll be staying here for a few weeks. Do you actually have a possible job back home? If you don’t I can ask my agent to find one for you….”
Jungkook was staring at me like I’d grown an extra head.
“ What?” I asked roughly.
He swallowed.
“No.. I .. I don’t have a job there.”
“We’ll get you one. And my apartment is big enough so you can stay with me till we find you a place of your own. And I think it’ll actually be good for you, because there’s a Fine Art photographer, pretty well know guy who stays just a few blocks away and e can probably- “
“You haven’t really changed have you?” Jungkook cut me off in the middle of my rambling .
I flushed, looking away.
“What do you mean?”
“Back when we were married… it was just like this.. I’d fuck up and do something awful and you’d just take it all in stride, get ready to help me out of it….”
“I don’t know what you mean…” I said quickly, “ Let’s go back to the party we’ll talk later-“
He grabbed both my arms, pulling me back to face him when I tried to get past him and I yelped, staring up at him in surprise.
“What?” I demanded. “ What is it now?”
“How do you do this thing, Heejin ?” He asked roughly. “ How do you just get ready to clean up every fucking mess I make like it doesn’t hurt you? Like I don’t hurt you?”
“What are you talking about?” I tried to wriggle out of his hold but he tugged me closer.
“How do you just…” He shook his head, “ accept me so unconditionally? Like… Its like no matter what I do, you’re just willing to look past it and I don’t fucking understand Heejin… why do you put up with me, damn it?”
I stared right at him. Caught his gaze and held it, refusing to look away.
“You know why.” I whispered, licking my lips, throat dry, “ And if you don’t…. I’m not going to tell you.”
His eyes widened , lips parting and he exhaled sharply, before letting me go and stepping away.
He looked away, shaking a little and I sighed.
“Let’s just get this night over with, yeah?” I said quietly. “ and then we’ll talk.”
He didn’t reply, merely standing aside and motioning for me to leave first.
I shook my head, moving to grip his arm instead.
“Together.” I said firmly. “ We’ll get this night over with, together.”
Author’s Note : i love these two. i’ve never wanted two people to be together so much.
@taeshuworld .@girlinthemikrokosmos @xius-exos @sugainfireslex @yunkichiee@kpopstudybee @ephyraaaa @peachoney9795 @ggukkieland @veronawrites @blr1004 @tinyhoagiepartylover @btsis7okay @squishyjk @itsdingdong @emmmui @honeeybunneey @yeonkiminnie @just-me-and-myselfs @delicate-snow-flake @kpop-lore @beautifulvirgobutterfly @sumzysworld @btsmylife21 @teresaisla .@melrosaeparker @taestannie @dchimminie @ meraki–life @somewhereinthestates @mawwnsterr @kookiesbreaky @chimchoom
@namjooningelsewhere @itsdingdong @ungodlyjoon @caratarmy131
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Okay fuck all the fake activists on Twitter
This is actual bullshit. Go fight ACTUAL racists and ACTUAL homophobes. NOT SOME GUY WHO JUST MADE SOME JOKES YOU DIDN'T LIKE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
I'm actually so mad right now. Because you realise that all those jokes that I've seen people yelling about that he made actually even somewhat recently are making fun of racists, right? And you know his audience is full of edgy gamer boys, right? People who are just straight up allergic to genuine appeals. Edgy jokes making fun of racism is literally exactly what those kind of people need. It gives them a way in without feeling immediately alienated. It makes it easier for them to accept that racism is bad actually, and that people who hate racism aren't all humourless assholes who cancel you at the drop of a hat.
So yeah what you guys are doing right now? This is only driving people away. This is making people defensive. And I don't care if you think perfect political correctness is more important than convincing people to not be racist, because you are fucking wrong. Yes it's fine to criticise him and point out when the jokes feel wrong to you or upset you but don't act like everyone has to agree with you or else they're bigots too. (Also stop yelling about years old shit he said as a teenager, nobody CARES. Let people put their past behind them.)
If you don't like his humour, feel free to just not watch Techno, it's fine. But this kind of humour DOES actually serve a purpose. You can't reach out to people if you expect perfect purity from everyone at all times. Sometimes people need space to adapt into new ideas, and humour is actually one of the best ways to do that because of how psychology works.
And yeah the Asian joke was kind of shit but it was literally making fun of racists who thought every Asian person had covid, back when the pandemic was only just becoming a pandemic. It wasn't making fun of Asians. He even prefaced it with acknowledging the horrific racism (his actual words).
Slavery jokes? Like literally the point of those was to address the unfortunate implications of the video game. It's basically just media criticism. It's not endorsing slavery or making light of the real world history. It's pointing out the elephant in the room. It's dark humour, yes, but like is it really better to just NOT acknowledge how weird the whole minion thing is? I feel like it's actually better to acknowledge it. I'm the kind of person who actually feels kinda uncomfortable about game mechanics like that and it helps me when people point out the implications. And dark humour is actually probably the best way to acknowledge it without making the whole thing sound goofy, because it is kinda goofy, but it's still subtly fucked up.
And the "murder is bad"... I literally do not understand why people are mad about that one. I genuinely don't get it. That's literally the kind of joke I could see like any of the popular liberal late night show hosts making to underline the point that murder doesn't magically become okay when it's the police doing it. Like "I shouldn't have to say this but murder is bad". You know? Because a bunch of people out there are ACTUALLY acting like it's okay for the police to murder people (especially black people). This is the most effective response to that bullshit, honestly. It cuts straight to the point. Murder IS bad.
And apparently nobody is acknowledging that the point of that tweet was to share the petition. He wasn't just like randomly joking about a horrible event, he was trying to help. He's a comedy Minecraft YouTuber, do you seriously expect him to make some sort of solemn plea? No, that would just make him sound sarcastic if anything because he never does that. Humour is how he addresses everything, get used to it or just stop following him.
Also people are just way more likely to respond positively to a joke than to something preachy or depressing, because as it turns out, depression makes people apathetic. I'd be willing to bet more people signed the petition because the tweet was funny than would have if it wasn't. Especially people in Techno's audience.
But these twitter warriors don't care about actions, they apparently don't even care that much about words because there's no way "murder is bad" is a harmful message in this context. So they just care about tone I guess.
Anyway, even of you think he's genuinely problematic, is he SERIOUSLY the enemy that's worth all this attention? All this energy? Fuck off. You know there are bigger fish out there and you didn't go for them, you went for someone you thought you could bully easily because he already has quite a progressive audience.
This isn't activism, this is just harassment. And it was just harassment long before the doxxing bullshit too. Don't pretend like everything up to this point was fine. It was not fine. And it's NOT actually helpful to dig up months or years old shit and plaster it all over twitter and then pretend to care about how these things hurt people's feelings when people wouldn't even have seen them if you didn't dig them up in the first place. If anyone is hurting them right now it's you.
Learn to do some actual fucking work for the cause you fucking shitheads. If that's even what you ever wanted to do, which I kinda doubt actually.
Like I don't pretend like I'm the greatest activist out there but at least I fucking try to do something productive instead of bullying minor celebrities online.
#technoblade#discourse#racism cw#people might get mad at me for this but fuck it#this is bullshit and im tired of pretending it's not#like is it okay to criticise those jokes? sure go for it#feel free to disagree with my takes#but STOP HARASSING TECHNO AND HIS FRIENDS#ESPECIALLY SOPHIE AND CALVIN WHO HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TALK#AND JUST RANDOM PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH YOU
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The level of performance you demand from bi people as a whole, but especially of bi women, is motherfucking insane. I really don't get why you all demand bi women virtue signal their sexuality by "rejecting" men in order to not deem them gross lesbophobes by virtue of existing. "Even" if they prefer men that's not necessarily out of some internalized homo/biphobia. They just like men. That’s kind of part of (most bi people’s) bisexuality. Shocker, I know.
A lot of the behaviors you all accuse bi women of (not taking other women seriously as partners, for example) are behaviors a lot of lesbians in denial exhibit too but in us you see victims of our own pain and misogyny who need help and understanding, while in bi women you see vile irredeemable perpetrators who must be ostracized and punished.
You blame them of their own abuse at the hands of cis straight men in ways that if you remove the "bi" from "bi women" you would recognize as disgusting victim-blaming, WHILE rejecting them & pushing them out of LGBT spaces, which, guess what you fucking geniuses; leaves them to have cis straight men as their only viable option. Funny how that works. You're all "women should stay away from dating bi women" or "bi women fetishize lesbianism by wanting to be with women" but shame bi women for being with men IN THE SAME BREATH. What the fuck do you want them to do? Be celibate for your own biphobic comfort?
I legit saw idiots on Twitter say "normalize lesbians only dating other lesbians" as if that's not what's normalized already. Bi women are already seen as gross sluts that kiss women at parties to turn men on and only seriously date men. What the fuck isn’t normalized about lesbians dating lesbians only?
You think that I, a literal fucking dyke, didn't see women at some point as hot for sex and men as the only viable partners for serious relationships? Would you see me as a disgusting dangerous misogynist for having been there, or as struggling with internalized homophobia? If it’s the later, why don't you extend that same compassion to bi women? Only difference there is that I'm a lesbian and they're bisexual.
Sure, they like men so being with men isn't INHERENTLY torture for them like it is for me, but you don't think that thinking/behaving that way is traumatizing for them too? They love women and are depriving themselves of that experience out of internalized biphobia, misogyny and homophobia. You think that doesn’t fuck them up too? They're hurting too, but you think that, unlike a lesbian who does the same, THEY deserve that suffering.
And no one is telling you to date them or to suffer for them through it just because they're suffering too. What you're being told is to see them as the non-straight women they are who're suffering too and understand the complexity of their situation the same way you would someone like me.
You think too that the “solution” to the horrendous rates of IPV they face with cis straight men is swearing off men. Would you tell straight women to do the same if they don’t want to be abused by male partners? You wouldn't. Because you see straight women as not having "an option" but think bi women do and thus they MUST be asking to be abused. Literal “asking for it” shit. It's all victim blaming + Boys Will Be Boys, but add a "bi" to it and it's progressive somehow.
This points to you seeing women's attraction to men as only ok when it's not "chosen", just a passive reception of misogynistic violence (which, way to take away the agency of women’s sexualities, you dumb bitches), but when they IN THEORY have a "choice" because they also like women, their attraction to men is active instead of passive, and thus they're cock-sucking sluts who’re choosing to endanger themselves. You see women whose desire for men is active, as deserving of whatever results from their involvement with men. You can't be a biphobe without being a misogynist.
You see bisexuality as a fractured amalgam of homosexuality + heterosexuality instead of its own standalone identity, and thus they can and MUST choose one or the other, because their “heterosexual” attraction and their gay attraction are in active competition within them like the fucking two wolves shit. You can’t be a biphobe without being a homophobe.
Bi women's attraction to men is NOT normalized and biphobes are living proof of it. It's not normalized; they're bisexual, not straight. Their attraction to men coexists with, interlinks with and isn't independent of their attraction to women. Bi women ARE shamed and punished for liking men because they don't like men alone, they simultaneously like women and those are inseparable for them.
If it was normalized, it wouldn't be widespread to blame them for the abuse they receive when involved with men, like they should pick a side for their abuse to count or matter. They wouldn't be pushed out of LGBT spaces for being with men, it wouldn't be seen by other LGBT people (even many bi women themselves) as a flaw in their sexuality that makes them a gay-straight chimera. They wouldn't feel ashamed of their attraction to men. They wouldn't be seen with suspicion for liking men if it was normalized.
Them simultaneously liking men is seen as not loving men "correctly" AND as not loving women “correctly”. No LGBT women (including cis bi women and straight trans women) are seen as doing love and sex "correctly".
You can only claim bi women's attraction to men is normalized if you see bisexuality as a Lego combo of straight + gay and thus their attraction to men is separable from their attraction to women. It's not. They're not cherry-picked bits and pieces of heterosexuality and homosexuality. They're 100% bisexual, always, no matter in what way their bisexuality expresses itself. Be it bisexual with no preference, bisexual with a preference for women, or bisexual with a preference for men.
It's not 50-50% straight-gay, 25-75% straight-gay, or 80-20% straight-gay respectively. ALL are 100% bisexual-bisexual. If you can't respect that, you're a homophobe and a misogynist.
And yes, it is HOMOphobic to see bi women with suspicion for liking men. You see "homosexual" attraction as inherently in jeopardy if there's a coexisting "heterosexual" attraction because the gay one will be lesser and you see the "straight" one as a threat that'll take precedent. That’s your gay insecurity from internalized homophobia speaking.
Then too, there's a reason biphobes think bi men are secretly gay, and bi women are secretly straight. You see men as the superior and inevitable choice for both. That's misogyny. If you're a biphobe, you ARE undoubtedly a misogynist and a homophobe, even if you're gay and/or a woman yourself.
Every time people make armchair judgements of bisexual women as man-worshipers all I can think of is my sister who cried rivers of tears to me about how painful and stressing it is to over-perform her attraction to men who're not even her type (she likes gnc men!) just to stay closeted, and when I think of that, I wish so badly I could slap each and every person doing that.
And yeah! You read right, GNC MEN. Bisexuality is "gay enough", "even" in their different-gender attraction, that plenty of bi women prefer gnc men, and plenty of bi men prefer gnc women. In fact, plenty of bi people, including the cis ones, are gnc themselves (with a specific tendency towards androgyny but there's many who're distinctly masculine/feminine at it) and thus much more visible as gay than someone like me; a fucking lesbian, but I'm fem-presenting.
"Bi people can stay closeted while in relationships." So can gay men and lesbians who have beards, who hide our partners, whose partners are trans and closeted, if we're trans and closeted ourselves, or if we’re single and not visibly gnc.
My relationship would be seen as straight by outsiders because my fiancé is a closeted trans lesbian. Unless you’re a transphobe you would NOT call that a fucking privilege. It’s not a fucking privilege that she’s forced to hide herself and hide that the nature of her exclusive love for women is gay. That shit fucking kills her inside. It’s not a privilege that to keep the love of my life safe and myself too I have to pretend that our love is straight when it was so fucking hard for me to just detect, let alone ACCEPT and take pride in that I don’t like men.
All of that keeps us safe, but at great emotional cost. Being closeted is safety for all LGBT people, but it’s not a privilege, it’s PAINFUL. You understand this when it comes to gay men and lesbians, and can feel compassion for us. Why not for bi people? Why are you so angry at bi people? Why do you hold so much contempt for bi people?
I'll tell you why: BECAUSE YOU'RE BIGOTS.
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I Scream a Truth, You Hear a Lie - part 1/ 5
This is a gift for the most amazing @ban-aard <3
pairing: Geraskier
summary: When some bigoted man insists that Geralt can’t feel love, Jaskier blurts out that they are married - which they very much aren’t. So naturally, Geralt and Jaskier have to pretend to be husbands to convince people that Geralt is lovable, though no one doubts that more than Geralt himself.
word count:~3k
content warning: some self-deprication
read on AO3
next
Alright, so it hadn’t been Jaskier’s most brilliant idea. One might even go so far as to say it was one of his worst ones, but in his defence, he had been tired, a teeny tiny bit drunk and majorly pissed off.
All throughout the evening Jaskier had to listen to stupid comments about witchers. No matter how many tales of Geralt’s heroic deeds he sang, Erik, the man who had given Geralt the contract he was currently risking his life on, kept insulting witchers, the fucking hypocrite.
Throughout it all Jaskier was forced to clench his teeth and continue singing. The most he could do was through death glares at the man and hope he choked on his ale. It wouldn’t do to disrupt his performance, not when they still needed the money to rent a room once Geralt came back, even though it made Jaskier’s blood boil to know people still spread lies about his friend. He came far too close to just stopping his performance and call the contractor out on his lies in front of the entire tavern.
As luck would have it, he didn’t need to.
Just as Jaskier’s last song came to a close the doors opened and Geralt came in, heading straight to the bearded man whose eyes grew wide as he took in Geralt’s black eyes and blood-splattered skin.
He must have been too scared to protest or swindle Geralt into giving him less coin.
Jaskier watched on in smug satisfaction, though he couldn’t pretend not to feel a pang when Geralt didn’t even spare him a single glance before leaving the tavern. As the doors fell close behind him Jaskier hurried to follow him, but he stopped dead in his tracks when the hated voice chimed up once again, louder now that Geralt had left the room.
“Thank the gods we’re rid of him now. Gives me the creeps.”
Jaskier whirled around and fixed him with a raging snarl. “Maybe next time, he should just stay out of this town and not help you when your people are dying then?”
The man scoffed. “You know that’s not what I mean. I don’t mind his kind, but I don’t want them here for Marijan’s Day. No one does.”
“He just risked his life for you. If anything, you should be throwing a feast in his honour. The least you can do is not be arseholes and let him stay for your festival.”
“Listen, bard, this is a celebration of love. What does someone like him even want there? Everyone knows those mutants don’t –
“Finish that sentence, I dare you.” Jaskier’s eyes narrowed and he prayed Geralt was already far enough away to not hear any of what the man was saying.
“It’s true though isn’t it? Witchers don’t feel and no one would love them anyway so what would be the point?”
“Excuse me.” Jaskier’s voice became deadly cold. “Geralt is living proof that that’s a load of bullshit.”
Erik took a swig of his pint and fixed Jaskier with an almost pitying look. “Sorry to tell you, lad, but just because it’s painfully obvious that you adore the mutant like a loyal puppy doesn’t mean he feels anything for you.”
Jaskier could barely stop himself from flinching back. Those words hit too close. They were too true. How many nights has he lied awake wishing it were different? Maybe it would have been easier if it were true and witchers really didn’t feel. Then at least it wouldn’t have been Jaskier’s fault that Geralt couldn’t love him.
The thought hurt and it set his blood on fire and it made him lose all control over what his mouth was saying.
“Are you telling me my husband doesn’t love me? Is that what you’re saying?”
A wheezing sound left the man as he choked on his drink, but the small amount of satisfaction Jaskier got from it was short lived. “Your what?”
“My husband,” Jaskier said, firmer this time, consequences be damned. It’s not like sticking with what he had said would make this mess any worse. “And I will take him with me to your oh so wonderful festival and you can all see just how loving and brilliant and lovable he is!”
As soon as the words had left him, he regretted them. This could only end in disaster.
Convincing Geralt to accompany him to a celebration was hard enough, but with what Jaskier had just said? Geralt would rip his head right off when he found out. But like hell would Jaskier let these people continue slandering Geralt. He would do what he could to make them take back their poisonous words and if it tore his heart out in the process, so be it.
--
Geralt kept his head down as best he could as he entered the tavern. He had heard the whispers as he had approached and he felt his chest tighten as they all came to a suspicious halt once he entered the room. He didn’t need to smell the fear to know he wasn’t wanted here. Bitter guilt rose up in him. Only moments before, Jaskier had put on a performance and captivated the audience and now all eyes were on Geralt, no one caring about Jaskier the way they should.
He hurried to get his money and leave. It took all of his will power not to look at Jaskier. The thought of him waiting for Geralt’s return had gotten him through the fight and coming back to him was the best part of any contract.
And yet, despite all the times Jaskier had seen him dirty, with torn clothes and the toxins pumping through his blood, he couldn’t look him in the eyes now. Not in front of all these people. It was different when it was just the two of them in a room far away from prying eyes, but with everyone looking at Geralt … Jaskier wouldn’t want to be associated with the sight of him like this. It would expose any lies he told about Geralt’s valiant character.
So he left without chancing a glance at him, though he felt Jaskier’s eyes burning into his back.
Leaving the crowded tavern and the disgusted stares behind was freeing, though there was an insistent part of him that told him to go back. He didn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself from lingering just outside the door. Maybe, if he was lucky, he would get to hear Jaskier strike up a new song, would hear the excitement in his voice as the rush of a performance overtook him.
What he heard instead made his heart sink like a stone.
“Thank the gods we’re rid of him now. Gives me the creeps.”
Of course. What else could he have expected? Geralt was used to hearing such things, but it didn’t make them sting any less. For years he had been able to just lock those comments away and pretend they didn’t bother them, but ever since travelling with Jaskier this seemed impossible. Because one could only hear so many times that the man they travelled with was a monster before starting to believe it themselves. One day, Jaskier would begin to doubt. He would realise that if so many people agreed on what Geralt was, maybe he was in the wrong saying that Geralt was anything better.
With a bitter taste in his mouth and a painfully tight chest he listened to Jaskier defend him. It eased something inside him, dislodged a strangling heaviness in his lungs that made it hard to breathe.
Until –
“It’s true though isn’t it? Witchers don’t feel and no one would love them anyway so what would be the point?”
Geralt staggered backwards. He couldn’t think, he just left -fled – those words ringing in his ears. He couldn’t stay to listen what Jaskier would say, if there even was something he could say.
For while the first part couldn’t be more untrue – the pangs shooting through Geralt’s heart all the proof needed that witchers could feel – no one, not even Jaskier who stood up for witchers where he could, could argue with the second part. Not when merely a minute ago Geralt had stood before him, his black eyes and unnaturally pale skin an unmistakable reminder of what he was. Not even Jaskier who was so full of love to give every one – everyone but him - would ever be able to love him.
For a sick second Geralt was almost grateful for hearing those words that had been said with such condescension and conviction. He had needed to hear them, needed the reminder. Too close had he gotten to letting himself forget. Too close to letting himself hope that Jaskier could –
He shook the thought off before thinking it fully and entered the inn, storming off into their room and shutting the door much louder than he would have if Jaskier had been there.
The loud bang of the door snapping shut did nothing to disrupt the thoughts still swirling in his mind. Even now with distance and walls between him and the venomous words he couldn’t shake them off.
What would be the point?
He scoffed into the silence of his lonely room. Yes, what was the point of all of it? Of letting Jaskier travel with him, of relishing every laugh shared and every moment spend together as if he could keep Jaskier in his life, when he knew that he didn’t even have him – would never have him. Not in the selfish and impossible way that he wanted.
His mind still hadn’t quieted down when the door opened again and Jaskier peeked into the room. Geralt’s heart skipped a beat at how carefully quiet Jaskier was.
“The potion’s still making everything too loud?” he asked softly.
Geralt grunted in denial.
Jaskier let out a relieved sigh and went over to him, sitting down on the bed. Geralt’s chest grew tight when he saw how much space Jaskier had left between them, how he avoided Geralt’s eyes and how his hands never stayed still. Geralt wanted to reach out and lay a hand on Jaskier’s to calm his fidgeting. Instead he balled his hand into a fist at his side.
All he had hoped for was some peace and quiet. Some rest, with Jaskier talking about his day while Geralt let his voice lull him off into sleep.
Now though it seemed he would get none of it. Jaskier was obviously nervous and uncomfortable with Geralt around. The words of hate and bigotry had finally seeped into Jaskier’s mind now that he hadn’t been able to find any plausible reply to the claim that witchers were unlovable.
“So,” Jaskier said after a long stretch of uncomfortable silence. “there’s a festival in a couple of days.”
Geralt grunted. Of course he knew about that. As if the bustling preparations hadn’t been enough to tip him off, Jaskier’s unceasing rambling about the festival and its renown that had people travel from neighbouring countries just to see the festivities made sure that Geralt knew about it. The knowledge that the festival was threatened by the presence of the monsters Geralt had been told to get rid of had only made him more determined to finish the contrast as fast as possible. There was nothing as motivating as the excited way Jaskier was grinning when he spoke of something he was looking forward to and Geralt hadn’t been able to risk the festival falling through.
“And – as I’m sure you can imagine – I would very much like to go.”
“Then go,” Geralt said, though his heart clenched painfully. “I won’t bother you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I- what? Of course you won’t bother me. You never do. I was just… you see the thing is…” Jaskier’s voice trailed off uncertainly and his eyes flickered over to Geralt for a brief moment. It was enough to see the hints of anxiety in them.
He had never been afraid of him. Not until now apparently.
“You don’t have to explain. It’s all quite clear,” Geralt said and turned his face into the impassive mask that he had hoped he wouldn’t need around Jaskier anymore. “You want to have a good time at the festival and me being there would make that impossible.” When Jaskier opened his mouth to protest, Geralt added, “I heard what that man said. I’m not wanted there. Or in this town at all. So I’ll leave.” I won’t ruin this for you, he didn’t say.
Jaskier’s brows pinched together and he turned to face Geralt completely, suddenly sickly pale. “Geralt….how much exactly did you hear?”
Geralt shrugged, though his throat had gotten tight. Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me say out loud that you can’t love me.
When he didn’t receive a satisfactory reply, Jaskier huffed. “Because I think you missed a crucial part of that conversation. Yes, I want to go to the festival – one might even say I need to – but I can’t go alone.”
Geralt huffed. “Because it’s a ‘celebration of love’? I didn’t think finding a partner would be a problem for you.” The words came out more bitter than he had intended and he risked a look at Jaskier, praying that he hadn’t noticed.
Jaskier rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Very funny. If you need to know, there were in fact at least three lovely people in that tavern who I’m sure would love my company for the feast.”
“Go ask them then.” Geralt forced the words out from between his teeth. There went all hope of having a restful sleep that night. How could he sleep when he knew that other people needed to do no more than look at Jaskier to gain his heart?
“I’m afraid I need you specifically to come with me.”
No matter how much his heart ached or how much Geralt fought against it, he couldn’t keep the smirk from tugging at his lips. “Have you somehow managed to piss off someone already? Jaskier, we’ve been here for two days.” The smirk grew wider when offended noises left Jaskier’s lips. “And I told you I’m done playing your bodyguard. That was a one-time thing.”
Jaskier perked up. “Well, then it’s a good thing it’s not me we’d be protecting.”
Something sharp and ugly reared its head inside Geralt. “No,” he said, voice hard. “I am not going to protect one of your dalliances. Who you decide to bed is your business, as is what happens to them.”
Don’t ask this of me. Don’t make me watch you flirt and kiss and be happy with someone else, even if only for this one day.
And yet, even as Geralt said it, he knew he would do it if Jaskier asked again, if he shifted closer and his eyes took on that pleading look that Geralt wasn’t strong enough to withstand. If Jaskier looked like he really needed this of him, he would give it to him like the fool that he was, even as it would tear into his heart like the claws of a beast.
Jaskier let out a frustrated sigh and shut his eyes tightly.
“I need you to be my husband.” The words were rushed and quiet, as if speaking them like this would make Geralt miss them.
Geralt’s thoughts came to a screeching halt and his mouth went dry. He couldn’t have heard correctly. All of those stupid wishes and hopeless dreams must have made him mishear.
“Jaskier?” He couldn’t say more than that. Anything but that one name might show the whirlwind of emotions inside him. He feared the name alone could have been too much already.
“Not really, of course,” Jaskier added hastily and rubbed his fingers together. “I… please don’t be mad at me, Geralt.”
Geralt’s brows knitted together and his heart sank. “What did you do?”
“I – I might have said that we were married.”
“Us married?” Geralt let out a sharp laugh that held no mirth. “Us married. I thought you were a master of words, how can you come up with such an obvious lie?”
The words stung as he spoke them and the dagger they plunged into his chest twisted when Jaskier winced. How else could Jaskier react, having thrown his stupid lie back in his face, probably only just now realising how horrible being married to Geralt truly would be.
“You said you wouldn’t be mad.” Jaskier’s voice was barely above a whisper.
Geralt raked a hand through his hair, frustration eating at him. “I never said that. But I’m not. I just don’t understand why you would do such a thing.”
Jaskier’s eyes blazed. “Because they were being arseholes!” His voice got louder with each word. “No matter what I did, no matter how often I told them about how good you are, they just kept saying things and I – I’m sorry, but I panicked and the words just slipped out.”
Just slipped out. As if the sole idea of them being anything more than friends wasn’t enough to drive Geralt mad. But saying it out loud, letting the words just slip out, as if it wasn’t something earthshattering…
“That won’t change anything,” Geralt said as evenly as he could. “Just because you said that doesn’t mean you’ll have to take me to the festival. I’m sure you’ll come up with some excuse as to why your husband isn’t with you and you can still have your fun.”
“That’s not what –“ Jaskier bit his lip and a hint of red tinted his cheeks. “It’s not about me having fun. It’s about proving to them that you are not what they say you are.”
Geralt was almost tempted to ask him what exactly that was, to hear Jaskier say the words that dug into Geralt’s chest out loud, but Jaskier looked so crestfallen, as if the thought of what people said physically pained him.
And why wouldn’t it? The wonderful idiot had made it his life’s work to improve Geralt’s reputation, and out of all the things that could be said about Jaskier, he was stubborn beyond compare – likely the main reason why he was still suffering Geralt’s company after all these years. Of course Jaskier wouldn’t like hearing people slander the thing he had dedicated his life to. Though those insults and scoffs were aimed at Geralt, they too hit Jaskier, told him he wasn’t good enough at what he was doing.
Geralt sighed. “Jaskier, you don’t need to do something that would make you uncomfortable just to proof something to them. They – it’s not worth it.”
“It is.” Jaskier’s eyes were determined. “Geralt please. Just for the festival. Please pretend you’re in love with me.”
Geralt’s breath hitched. There were reasons why this was a horrible idea. There were consequences that would surely come off this.
But the thought of being allowed to show even just a fraction of what he felt for Jaskier, even if just for one day, overshadowed all rational thought. It would hurt, it would break him, but just for that one day it would be worth it if it meant knowing what it would be like to feel that look that Jaskier gifted everyone else on him.
Afraid of the emotion that he wouldn’t be able to hide if he opened his mouth, Geralt only nodded.
Jaskier beamed at him and Geralt’s stomach clenched uncomfortably. He was not going to make it thought this with his heart in one piece.
But he could do it even if it was torture. It was just one day.
#geraskier#fake dating#fake marriage#witcher#witcher fanfiction#fic#my writing#I scream a truth you hear a lie#gift for a friend#geraltxjaskier#mutual pining#geralt#jaskier
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My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station
ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band
Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along
Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady
Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof
Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY
Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to
Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name
Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares
Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy
Asia: Tuesdays
Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist
Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny
Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company
Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith
Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD
Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy
Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different
Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically
Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL
Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you
Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS
Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life
Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural
Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about
Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty
Bush: ditto
Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?
Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic
Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with
Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that
Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”
Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better
Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right
Collective Soul: who?
Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not
Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*
CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*
CSNY: David Crosby; meh
Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER
Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one
Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up
Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest
Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio
Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor
Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close
Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth
Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none
Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia
Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison
ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule
Essex, David: no prominent memories of him
Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell
Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?
Faith No More: I got nothing
Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop
Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential
Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself
Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip
Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill
Ford, Lita: deserved better
Foreigner: dramatically overplayed
Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box
Free: dramatically underplayed
Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot
Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter
Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass
Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does
Grand Funk Railroad: Funk
Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music
Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes
Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason
Green Day: the first of the emo revolution
Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen
Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that
Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?
Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool
Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names
Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!
Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references
Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration
Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time
Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself
INXS: Terminator vibes
Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison
James Gang: too many funks
Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative
Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*
Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*
Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute
Jett, Joan: icon
J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played
Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that
John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name
John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me
Joplin, Janis: Queen
Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire
Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic
Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole
Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically
Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject
Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes
Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)
Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons
Live: I got nothin
Living Colour: slap a decent amount
Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??
Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track
Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD
McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple
Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf
Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987
Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon
Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot
Modern English: who?
Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes
Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT
Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it
Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie
Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’
Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one
Nicks, Stevie: witch queen
Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill
Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed
Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least
Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*
Offspring: nothing here
Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy
Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard
Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money
Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*
Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good
Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?
Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled
Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’
Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say
Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig
Queensryche: neutral opinion
Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that
Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music
Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent
Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it
Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it
RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)
Red Rider: basically Golden Earring
Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull
REM: American Tragically Hip
REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title
Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie
Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit
Santana: The world needs more Santana
Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend
Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say
Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)
Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you
Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us
Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater
Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it
Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know
Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having
Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison
Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan
Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions
Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard
Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015
Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable
Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself
Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them
Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously.
Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt
Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to
Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’
Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth
Ten Years After: somehow still relevant
Tesla: not the car or the dude
The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them
The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her
The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul
The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names
The Kinks: kinky
The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile
The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours
The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have
The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it
The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s
Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?
Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern
Toto: the most memed song behind All Star
Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds
T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon
Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush
Tubes: like the yogurt
Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it
U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways
Van Halen: RIP Eddie
Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?
Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn
Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get
War: Foghat, but even groovier
Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis
Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene
Yes: To Be Continued
Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY
Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand
ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged.
3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever
38 Special: Why 38?
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The Naruto/Frozen Crossover
So I was planning on just doing an image ID thing for this post, but apparently the formatting on desktop is such a mess that it’s easier to just make a new post that’s text only. I can also like. Bulletpoint it so that it can be a little neater. All ideas were made with @firebirdeternal‘s help, because they are the most efficient enabler I have.
Also I added some bits at the end.
Under a cut, because it’s Long As Heck.
I originally had two options: either Mid-teens Elsa and Anna being transported to ninja land sometime pre-canon and running into Haku and Zabuza... or just like. Born as a Daimyou's daughters.
Spoiler alert, we’ve got nukenin and I’m a sucker for an intrusive crossover, so transported to ninja land it is.
Suggestion from Birdie:
Mechanism for crossover: Elsa ices over a Wishing Well by accident after having Wished for someone else who understood her, Anna and her fall in and get Ice Mirror Portaled to Ninjaland, falling out of an iced over pond near a shrine that Haku recently prayed at for similar lonely child reasons?
Which I like! They don’t end up there soon enough to run into Haku, because I want a dramatic chase first, but I like it.
Obviously, Anna is forced to learn about Elsa's powers because it's the only thing keeping them safe
Or at least alive
(Elsa will do ANYTHING to keep Anna safe, and if that means she has to get her hands dirty...)
...neither of them knows Japanese, so, you know. There’s that.
I'm thinking that they end up in/near Kiri at first
And they aren't FAST ENOUGH to get away so Elsa panic-enchants a giant reindeer made of snow to run away across the suddenly-frozen ocean.
She and Anna have to ride and Elsa is probably crying the whole time.
Oh shit this is like. RIGHT after their parents die, I forgot. So that’s a thing! They are in mourning and all that fun stuff.
Point is, they use the powers for a Self Defense thing and BBY Haku is just !!! "Master can we rescue them for Ice Cousin reasons?"
Zabuza: Yes, and only for those practical reasons and not because I collect endangered children like people collect pokemon cards.
I imagine that maybe they track rumors of a Yuki-onna down, or the Giant Snow Reindeer rides by and Haku’s just like Wat
The girls just tag along with Zabuza because. Like.
Do they like him? No. Do they trust him? No. Do they enjoy the fact that he considers them pathetic civilians? No.
However, Haku is Baby.
Zabuza is REALLY annoyed at them being Useless Civilian Royals “but Haku likes them so I guess they can stay.”
Age at meeting, three years pre-canon:
Zabuza - 23
Elsa - 18
Anna - 15
Haku - 12
Elsa is 90% anxiety/depression master combo BUT if Zabzua protects her then she's WILDLY dangerous so like. Whatever
Elsa's bingo book nickname options, uninspired:
Winter Witch
Winter Queen
Ice Queen
Snow Queen
Something about a Yuki-Onna maybe
She's Very Stately and kinda breakable but Winter is her Bitch
I mean like, the fact that, if protected, she can shut down the agriculture of a fucking country? That's an S-rank even if she's not that useful in a fight.
She's like. Jinchuuriki-level destruction.
Generally speaking she wouldn’t.
But she could.
Elsa: What the fuck is a chakra?
Elsa: my snow monsters are self-sustaining.
Elsa: I'm gonna build us a house.
Zabuza has NO idea how her powers work and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating but “there’s no chakra cost to keep these things going and we have shelters on demand” is too convenient to question after a while.
Haku: Delicate, deadly, incredibly fast ninja work.
Elsa: I can't dodge a kunai but watch me wreck your entire country's ecosystem in under a day.
Elsa is a siege weapon.
Meanwhile, Anna is really, really into the physicality of ninja practice.
She's clumsy and she's not very good at ninja stuff, but she sure is determined!
Anna also gets on Zabuza's nerves because she keeps insisting that Haku get to be a kid.
Anna: Let's make flower crowns!
Zabuza: No, he needs to train, not-
Anna: FLOWER CROWNS
Consider: Haku saying Elsa-nee-sama and Anna-hime.
Or just calling Elsa “onee-sama.”
Anna is also younger than Elsa and way more Fun so she probably gets adjusted to Anna-chan or Nee-chan.
If Zabuza calls Elsa “Hime-chan” or “Elsa-hime” or, Sage forbid, “Elsa-sama/dono” then he’s VERY MUCH making fun of her and he’s probably getting his soup frozen that night.
At one point, Elsa... tries to like. Convince herself to have a crush on Zabuza or Kakashi or something until Zabuza just puts a hand on her shoulder and asks "do you even like men?"
"...that's an OPTION?"
Zabuza urging her to try and ask out a Cute Kunoichi and Elsa's like.... I can't decide if she's bright red and a useless lesbian or uncomfortable and ace.
I am SO invested in the siege weapon thing.
SHE IS THE SQUISHIEST WIZARD.
It's not her fault that every single other combatant on the continent is Massively Dangerous in melee! She took a very traditional back-line build!
Enemy: Doesn't it GRATE to protect someone so pathetic, Zabuza?
Zabuza: She literally froze an entire castle of enemies to death because they harmed her sister, so. No.
Most Ninjas: Sharp Knife.
S-Rank Mega Ninjas: Gun.
Elsa: High Yield Explosive Rocket Launcher.
Literally loses fights to the Knife People, because she can't bring her power to bear on that scale. But if you can give her Time and Prep? No contest.
Long distance AoE
Like you know how Nagato is literally dying of starvation due to illness and can't walk, but he's also capable of leveling powerful villages more or less on his own?
Elsa is the same Vibe.
It’s like sealing a bijuu in a civilian.
She's honestly both more and less powerful? Like it'd be hard for her to kill everyone in Konoha in the snap of a finger? But also, she could starve out the Country of Fire in a summer.
She WOULDN'T, but she could.
I always read Elsa as gay or ace but my brain keeps trying to ship her with dude ninjas and I have to yank it back on a child leash.
People insinuate that Zabuza is interested in Elsa and he's just "What? Ew she's like five."
"I'm eighteen."
"Five."
BUT
Elsa! Might mistake trust and companionship for a crush!
I can see THAT happening despite gay/ace.
Also like. I don’t think Zabuza is straight.
So mlm/wlw solidarity?
And Haku is probs genderqueer.
So Anna is THE TOKEN STRAIGHT.
Anna is like, the Straight Friend who will go to the mat for her queer friends. Like vicious. In-your-face barking like a mean dog at people who were being bigots.
You know how Elsa in the second movie uses her powers to make toys for kids out of ice?
Okay, so her practicing by making things with Haku.
But yeah, Elsa can't really do "throws ice senbon," but she can do Delicate Geometry Things since she apparently, canonically studies math for fun and loves fractals.
Haku: I can trap you in a prison of ice mirrors, and you are at my mercy.
Elsa: LOOK AT THIS CASTLE I MADE???
Haku wants to do Pretty Things like Elsa
OH.
Elsa makes... snow bunnies..
For the ninja distraction reasons but also because it's a Soft Thing that makes her feel better about, uh, everything. And Haku likes bunnies.
Zabuza still takes The Dirty Missions but Elsa gets upset when he does something that hurts innocents and Nobody wants Elsa upset. Even Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset.
When Elsa gets upset, overnight accommodations are suddenly Very Uncomfortable for everyone except her and Haku.
And then Anna gets upset, which makes Elsa even MORE upset.
And then things just keep getting colder.
Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset for many reasons, not limited to: "Is actually capable of killing me from outside of Sword Range if she's mad enough, even if it’s not that easy" and "the Small Children would be unbearably sad if she died and honestly so might I."
She's more of a friend than a ward and he's not entirely sure he's okay with that.
Zabuza: "Ew, friendship."
He has absolutely no idea how to have a social interaction with people he isn't Bullying, Raising, or Threatening to Kill.
Elsa and Anna have no trouble convincing people they're related, at least. Different coloration with almost identical bone structure.
A tendency to burst into song when they feel emotions.
Identical weird accent that nobody can place.
FOOD
The girls are royalty, they don't know how to COOK.
But they also want food from HOME.
It's a lot of trial and error.
More error than not, since they have both no knowledge and also a language barrier to overcome. It probably takes YEARS before they can describe things like Unfamiliar Flavors well enough for people to say "OH that sounds like spearmint."
When they run into something they know that’s familiar, it’s life-changing.
Chocolate is more common in the elemental nations than in Arandelle and Anna may or may not cry about it.
Anna is loudly bossy, even at Zabuza.
Zabuza is gruffly commanding, to everyone.
Elsa doesn't actually like being in charge, but when she talks, people LISTEN.
(Haku is just happy to be here.)
Elsa radiates two things: Anxiety, and Natural Command, and she basically just fluctuates between those.
"I don't want to be in charge but also I'm vetoing this."
So, obviously, the main reasons that Zabuza keeps the girls around is that Elsa is a living siege weapon and he thinks she could be convinced to help him run a revolution in Kiri, and also that the Ice Queen schtick is like. Really good for Haku and Zabuza can’t really say no to the kid.
HOWEVER, Anna is clumsy and messy and all that, so Zabuza starts training her in Ninja stuff. Elsa joins in on the “I need to know how to Run Fast to get away from fights I don’t want to have in the first place,” but Anna’s the one that’s like “TEACH ME HOW TO SWORD.”
It’s honestly not that hard to teach her, she’s just really, really, REALLY enthusiastic.
Once or twice someone asks why she’s so bad at this yet running around with an A-rank nukenin and Zabuza’s just like “I’ve only had her for a year and a half, shut up!” because it’s not that he’s a bad teacher, it’s that she was a very pampered civilian until like a week before he met her.
He should get a MEDAL for even getting her to low Chuunin.
Zabuza: I'm taking a job from Gato
Elsa, who has Training in economics and politics and bureaucracy: I have a better idea.
This is actually not entirely what I’d do but I wanted to make the joke first ANYWAY here’s an actual plot or something.
Oh, also by this point everyone is Canon Ages so Elsa’s 21 and Anna’s 18 and Zabuza’s 26 and Haku’s 15.
Elsa is getting paid to keep the water from interfering with construction, by way of....
ICE COFFERDAM
Elsa with Haku as her Guard while Zabuza is off running his own mission? Which Anna begged to go on because Cool.
Elsa also kind of keeps her involvement on the ice front semi-secret by claiming she’s there as an engineering consultant.
LISTEN canon made her like geometry, I can ENTIRELY believe she’d be excited about the bridge-building.
Gato has hired someone else on the danger level of Zabuza, who is Threatening to Team 7 + Haku? But then when things look bleak Anna and Zabuza arrive and then Scary Sword Man is on our side and oh dear that's a lot of blood.
Which, you know, fun!
Birdie suggested Raiga which I’m not feeling but I do feel the need to bring up as an option.
It’s also not Kisame BUT
Kisame: [giant lake dome filled with sharks]
Elsa: uhhhhhhhhhhh...
Giant lake dome: [is now a giant ice dome]
Anyway
Gato: I'm hiring an army.
Elsa: [giant ice wall around his compound]
Gato: ... these guys can walk up walls!
Elsa: [adds snowman guards]
Elsa: ...
Elsa: [adds a ceiling]
Just puts Gato's entire mob in a fucking snow globe.
Zabuza shows up twenty minutes late with (Throwing) Star(buck)s just like
"Oh, they dead? No? Want 'em to be? Okay cool I'm gonna go pick up Haku, I'll be back in like an hour."
Anna would... LOVE Naruto
ENERGETIC
FRIENDLY
GOOFBALL
"I found us a baby brother!"
"No, we already have Haku."
"BUT LOOK AT HIM."
Anna is only a year or two older than Itachi.
OH RIGHT
I wanted to make a joke about how Naruto also vibes with her because he's less judgmental that she can't really... talk properly.
Sasuke is Judgy and Kakashi is Paranoid and Sakura is Uncomfortable.
Meanwhile Naruto is just like "And I Shall Scream."
Anna, who learned Japanese from Zabuza (rude) and Haku (uber polite): WELL FUCK YOU, GOOD SIR
Naruto: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU TOO, LADY
Elsa, overly formal: I am... so very sorry.
Anyway, generic missing nin fights and all that.
Elsa gets injured in the process and after a variety of arguments, Naruto manages to convince them to take her to Konoha for medical attention.
Elsa is... usually the one getting injured.
Zabuza and Haku are FAST and Anna is at least learning (even if she’s only been doing it for three years), but Elsa is The Squishy Wizard.
If someone throws a kunai... she can’t... really dodge...
So yeah, gut wound.
Normally they find a nukenin medic to patch them up but Konoha is reasonably close and has some of the more skilled medics on the continent and they DID technically help the Konoha nin so like. Gah.
That’s Zabuza’s final thought. Gah.
Just “Fuck it, let’s save the ice queen.”
Elsa ends up in a half-literal-ice stasis state on the way there and it’s happened before (it is not the first time she’s been stabbed), but it’s always terrifying.
Especially to the Konoha genin who are just like WHAT THE HECK IS THAT.
So they get to Konoha, there’s a whole bunch of stuff about extradition treaties and “you are bringing a literal WMD of a woman into our town” and “we can’t just let MOMOCHI ZABUZA in.”
Anyway, it ends up being that Zabuza has to wait outside the village while Elsa is treated inside, and one of the Teenagers goes in. Obviously, it’s Anna, because Zabuza is INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE with letting Haku enter a village that’s known for having lots of bloodlines, and anyway, Anna’s the sister.
Bunch of stuff, she’s healing, etc, and then one day Anna comes in and is told “your sister had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, we couldn’t save her, I’m sorry, she’s gone.”
She flips out, gets shown the corpse, flips out MORE, gets escorted out to the village walls where Zabuza and Haku are waiting.
Horrified reactions
Zabuza doesn’t want to admit that it’s EMOTIONS because this is his FRIEND, he is clearly just upset about losing the living siege weapon.
Haku is just super confused and goes “But she’s not dead.”
“What.”
“She’s not dead, I can feel her, I can always feel her, it’s like sensing but just her, because we’re both ice. She’s alive, somewhere over... there?”
And points right in the direction of the Hokage Mountain, which for the purposes of this fic and also Drama is where ROOT headquarters is.
YEP we absolutely have that plot point.
Is Danzo overused as a plot device? Probably. Am I going to diabolus ex machina him anyway? Ye.
They kick up enough of a fuss that the Hokage gets called down.
He wouldn’t, normally, he’d leave it to a couple of skilled jounin and call it a day, except Naruto got involved so like. You can’t. Ignore that.
There’s lots of shouting.
Just like. A lot.
And then part of the mountain explodes!
AS ONE DOES
Elsa comes flying backwards out of the hole, catches herself on a spontaneous ice slide, gets to her feet.
Girl is swaying like MAD.
There are absolutely ANBU (both fake and real) coming after her.
At least one of them gets speared through by an ice spike.
Anna runs up to her, tries to hug her, gets batted away.
Elsa’s staring at her in sheer TERROR and starts muttering something about how Anna died years ago, this isn’t real, etc.
Nobody except Anna understands most of it, but Haku picks up enough to translate when Anna’s freaking out.
Elsa starts doing her Ice Castle thing in the middle of Konoha as a coping mechanism, mostly so she can get Up and Away and Shielded By Ice.
This is not a good look.
Especially because she’s singing, which Zabuza always thinks is a bad omen because it means shit is getting real and one or both of the girls are about to get a powerup or be beaten even harder than otherwise. When they start singing, things get More Dramatic And Extreme).
(Zabuza does not like Disney Musical Rules)
Danzo shows up.
There’s a bunch of arguing.
All the medics insist that nothing she was given at the hospital should have caused amnesia, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, etc.
It’s. Not hard for Hiruzen to guess what happened.
Namely that Danzo, upon finding out that chakra dampeners didn’t do shit since none of Elsa’s powers come from chakra, decided to keep her drugged up and start using genjutsu to make her more malleable.
Because like. An injured WMD just showed up in your village. What are you supposed to do, not try to kidnap her and turn her to your side? Like, come on. What was he supposed to do?
Not that, Danzo. Literally Not That.
IDK how it gets resolved, probably Anna getting to her with the power of love, because Elsa is ultimately Super Disney.
I also don’t really know where to go from there other than “Maybe Jiraiya can get you home, but also I’m pretty sure Zabuza wants you all to get the hell out of here and take over Kiri” but who knows.
Also
IMAGINE ELSA MEETING GAI.
Imagine Ino getting a puppy crush on Elsa.
IDK that’s it for now.
#Frozen#Naruto#Momochi Zabuza#Yuki Haku#Zabuza#Haku#mini fic#Phoenix Babbles#Crossovers#Phoenix Posts
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Okay so. I watched Q-force. And I have no idea what I think about it.
Imma just be rambling so I'll break down the characters and my likes/dislikes about them before giving my plot breakdown at the end. Only the main/prominent ones because I don't have time.
Steve Maryweather-Easily the best character out of them, with Deb being a close second. He could've very easily fallen into the trope of being someone who was incompetent but expected the world anyway, but he doesn't. He graduated top of his class, and despite his quirks is a genuinely competent team leader, and wants the best for his team. He wants to prove that he and his team are competent enough to get recognition, and has a genuine faith in the people around him. It was refreshing to see him hold his team in a genuine high regard, where a lot of times it's like "We're shit but lets do this thing now" He's a genuinely well-rounded character, and (and forgive me if this isn't the best way to frame this) it feels like being gay is an important part of his character, without encompassing the whole thing. I thought Benji and his relationship was super cute and I was sad when they broke up. I was afraid he was going to be, like a second but worse Twink with the stereotyping but gladly fell away from that.
Deb-I thought her and her wife were super cute (though I hate how the wife is designed ngl adjafkldajfd). I liked Debs character, but I feel like she had a lot of racial stereotyping that wouldn't be inherently obvious unless you were looking for them, her being the strong one, and also the "mama" type at the same time. No one treated her with disrespect, and her lesbianism seemed to be more authentic but I feel like there wasn't a lot of thought put into what these tropes were and why they were bad. Her being black and making her the mama type, as well as the big strong type could be read as tasteless. Again, I really liked her character but these were some things I noticed while watching.
Twink- You know, I didn't really like him at first, I thought he was the epitome of all the bad stereotyping (though I'm just glad him and Mary didn't get put into the same category). His humor isn't my taste, and it just kinda seemed like someone for half of his lines went "what twitter stan language can we put in here?" And sometimes it was a bit too random for my tastes. However! I do like that his drag was considered important and was an integral part to a lot of missions they went on, and not just "Ah look at that dumb gay trying to find reasons to dress in drag." His talents and expertise were both respected and, save for Buck (which his whole point was supposed to be offensive anyway) no one undermined Twink for his femininity. His back story is also kinda random but did play a role in the missions as well. Still, personally think he's the worst character. Plus, he's French so minus four-twenties amount of points.
Stat-You know, in a show where everyone was stating what letter they were every few seconds I was surprised that I had to look up that Stat was trans. I...liked her character for the most part, except the part where she was fucking a robot. Kinda weird ngl, outta left field, and with her being trans I wonder if her having that sort of relationship is problematic for her. Love her design tho, love me a hacker girl. She's also listed as "ambiguously gay" tho showed to have mostly girl love interests but, okay.
Buck-He's the straight guy, emotionally repressed haha and he's bigoted. Did think it was funny later on when he was more "accepting" but managed to be even more infuriating about it. Tied with Twink as worse character but you know they tried to do stuff with him.
Vee-Really liked me a boss lady, but kinda weird how they bait-and-switched us with her actually being a lesbian, then go "no she's straight tho" in regards to Karen. I thought her and Mary's relationship was cute, wish I saw more of it. But she did feel like a random plot device in later seasons, what with her disappearing and reappearing when it was plot relevant. (Tho she HOTOHOTHOTHOT bikini episode WOOOWEEEE)
....
Okay, so now the plot....which. it had one?
It felt like it was flip flopping back n forth about whether it wanted to take itself seriously or not, and it seemed to decide on serious more towards the end, but then it would have this random plot element that would be so out of left field it would pull me out of my suspension of disbelief. See the whole "Back cracking to unlock memories" plot point. This back and forth on whether it would be a comedy or not I think weakened both categories it tried to play into.
If I had to compare the show to anything it would probably be Futurama, but the thing with Futurma is, its set in the future, so you're suspension of disbelief is allowed to stretch a bit more because all the wacky quirky stuff can be attributed to future shenanigans. Q-force, to my knowledge, is set in the modern day, which makes the wacky stuff that much wacker, because it's set in our modern times, which you apply the rules of everyday life to.
A lot of the problems that I had with Q-Force is, in the attempt to write specifically about the "gay experience" revealed that the writers have really only had a very specific experience of interacting with gay ppl, what I call the "Urban Gay" experience.
The fact they're in West Hollywood, and all the things that were listed as "universal gay experiences" but were only things that you'd be exposed to if you were in the city. I think a flavor of "white gay" can be implemented here too, which Q force has exactly one black woman, who manages to be the only lesbian.
That coupled with the fact that, there's a difference between having Twink naturally being a drag queen, the whole team being gay to some degree, and the fact they interact with the gay community often without Drawing Attention to all of those things and self-congratulating itself on concluding it. Funnily enough, Q-Force had examples of doing this right and doing this right. Right way: In the second or third episode where Mary found that guy with the flash drive to the uranium in it and seduced him in the gay bar. Relevant that it was gay without overtly drawing attention to it. Wrong-Way: Having Pride go on while Girl Boss was trying to take over the world.
And, for the show that promoted itself as representing the gay experience, there were...two gay men, one lesbian, one trans person, one straight guy and...no bisexual people. Also no nonbinary people. Like of course it's unrealistic to include every single identity but you're one bisexual person who appeared for one episode and was promptly blown up. And also showed to be...more off than the other characters, what with the stealing of silverware and all. Just, bisexual people are already forgotten enough as it is and not including them in the show, but you include two gay men just kinda reads as tasteless to me (as a bisexual person, obviously).
Which makes it so weird that Stat was left "ambiguously gay" when she could've easily been bisexual (which still would be problematic because of the robot-fucking but at least you got the B in there somewhere in the main group)
Overall, it tried to market itself as the "be all end all" of what it was like to be gay, but ended up excluding the exact people that get excluded in real-life lgbt spaces. This combined with the indecision with what kind of show it wanted to be managed to make it fall short. If you arent the very specific type of gay person who lives in a city environment and doesn't fit the stereotypes showed you're not going to feel "seen" by the show.
Weirdly though, I didn't hate watching it, and I would probably watch another season if they managed to make one. The parts that did work, I think worked really well, and even the bad parts just read as tasteless, and not actively terrible. If they focused less on making "hey I'm gay" jokes every three seconds and just let each character be what they are I think the show would be stronger for it. And I think they'd find less problems overall if they did that too. In the mean time I'll just be here side-eyeing the whole thing.
Edit: I forgot to mention, and this is a problem a lot of adult TV shows fall into, that because they got the clear to show nudity/sex they felt like they *had* to show nudity and to a lesser extent sex every episode. So just that whole "Haha adult=sex obviously."
Oh! And this generally goes for the whole "shove it in your face" part, but a lot of the characters who are bigoted were shown to be. Very blatantly so. And not to say there isn't blatantly bigoted ppl of course they are but I don't think that's where you see a lot of bigotry nowadays. This was sort of touched on during the show but more of a jokey manner, but I think it would've been more realistic if we had more "girl with a gay best friend" kinda bigotry as opposed to the "I'm literally hurling slurs at you" bigotry, especially since they're in Cali.
#like its a C+ I think#q-force#criticism#like there's a lot wrong with it but I thought it was kinda charming overall#like. you could have all those things that gays like in these characters but to every three seconds go#'i like this thing because I'm a lesbian'#just kinda got old after a while#juicy takes
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Ewww getting big privileged homophobe vibes from you. Blocking now.
Thank God.
I doubt you'll ever read this, but just in case hate-reading is your thing - I don't know why you bothered with anon. You're obviously not a follower because I talk about how queer I am here ALL THE TIME. I saw many queerphobes on that queer post, and even visited a few of their blogs. (Most of them were TERFs, except one - you, who claimed to be a trans dude. Maybe you are! Maybe you're not a TERF posing as a trans dude and you really are okay with being part of a movement absolutely dominated by TERFs!)
But there was only one that I left a comment on. You'd posted about how queer people are so horrible to call ourselves queer. Like the anthropomorphic personification of class and tact that I am, I trolled you by asking if my queer presence made you uncomfortable.
Clearly, it did. :)
So go ahead. Call me the first mean name that comes to your head, as if it bothered me what a random totally-not-anon thinks I am. I'm totally fine with queerphobes thinking my existence is homophobic, because the only way they'd understand otherwise is if I pretended I wasn't queer. My alleged homophobia is latched on to my identity as a queer person. The only way you would not accuse me of being homophobic is if I stopped calling myself queer.
So you use my very identity as a weapon against me. I am queer, and I am attached to not being a homophobe. You know that queer people do not want to be perceived as something they hate completely by anyone, strangers included, especially on a website where people harass first and listen later (if at all). So you hold us hostage - deny our queerness, and you'll drop your weapon. You'll drop the word "homophobic" and stop pointing it at me.
I'm not gonna cave to this.
Nor am I going to write an outraged essay about how I'm not homophobic. You know perfectly fucking well that not a SINGLE queer person is straight. You know perfectly fucking well that most queer people are same sex attracted or attracted to enbies. You know perfectly fucking well that queer people have accepted that part of us and aren't dealing with internalised homophobia or inflicting it on other people because we ACKNOWLEDGE our queerness and you can see this, otherwise you wouldn't be getting mad about it. In a homophobic society everyone has a degree of it, but by being what we are we have less of it than the great majority.
You know this perfectly well. Don't fucking pretend otherwise, I would have to believe that you are well and truly and sincerely STUPID to think for one second that you think I'm a straight person or a closeted gay person who's lashing out with malicious homophobia. Real homophobia, not "this person is part of a minority I am bigoted against, so I will claim they are inherently homophobic unless they get back in the closet or categorise themself in a way that allows me to fine tune my bigotry appropriately."
Because let's be real. Queer hasn't been used as a slur in decades and was reclaimed before I was even born. "Gay" was the slur of the time when I was growing up, but people like you never had a problem with that. Why? Because gay is clear cut and well defined. The problem people like you have with queers like me - the REAL problem, not the faux outraged you have made up about my label - is that queer means I have declined your insistence to more accurately categorise myself.
I mean, how else would you know specifically how to treat me? I could be bi and you might hate bi people, but if I'm a gay queer you don't want to aim the wrong type of bigotry at me by mistake - not because you care about gay people (you don't, because many gay people are also queer), but because you don't want to make yourself look silly by aiming the wrong type of bigotry at me. I could be queer because I'm an enby, and maybe you're truescum that would despise me for it, but you don't KNOW whether or not I'm an enby and that drives you mad! You don't want to risk alienating people who care about you by shitting on someone they might not agree is an acceptable target, so you target every queer and claim it's about a word when really, many queer people seek refugee under that term to hide from people like you, and you don't like that we can hide from you, so you try to strip our shelter away from us.
(And let's be honest. You probably don't even actually hate us. You're probably just afraid. Afraid of some identity you don't really understand because you've never taken the time to get to know us, or afraid that society will accept you less if we're "competing" for acceptance and so take some of the spotlight... I won't shit on you for fear, anon. We are all afraid of something. But I absolutely have a problem with how you're choosing to knowingly hurt people to cope with it. You called me "homophobe" to hurt me. There was no other way to possibly interpret the context of what you were saying. You meant to do this.)
So take away queer. Take away the shelter of queer. Force every queer person to divulge, upfront, who they are that makes them friends with queer. Force them out of the closet and pretend THAT'S not homophobic.
Send the gay queers back to the L and G of LGBT, let the TERFs flush out the trans people who are queer because they're trans* and shoo them away from LGBTQ spaces. Or maybe you really are trans, but you want to kick out straight trans people, or enbies, or pan people, or bi people, or ace people, or, one of the many populations that make up the true queer community.
* Not all trans people are queer, but many are BECAUSE they're trans. I would say "many are queer because they identify as queer" because that makes it sound like queerness isn't an inherent part of who we are and gives people like you ammo I have no interest in supplying you with. "Aha! So you CHOOSE to be a slur!" I just know you'd completely ignore everything I said to the contrary and say that.
Yes. The true queer community.
We've told you again and again that we're not calling you queer. We've told you again and again, if you're not queer, you're not part of the queer community. You're LGBT+, not queer. I'm not part of the LGBT+ community, I'm part of the queer community.
The queer community is not the true community of people who aren't straight and cis, that's not what I'm saying. We're not any more or less LGBT+ than you. I'm not invalidating the identities of people who aren't straight and/or cis, because they are who they are, and you don't need to be queer to be LGBT+. But we are the true queer community in that we are queer, and people who are LGBT+ but are not queer are not queer. Only queer people are queer.
("But people use queer community as an umbrella term to mean people who aren't queer, but are still LGBT+!" Buddy, if I have to deal with being called LGBT all the time even though it's not true, while having the people who use LGBT obviously mean me too because I'm not straight, then you can live with it too. That's mostly straights doing that, in which case you have no reason to get mad at US, or people who are are making something for a straight audience or a questioning audience, in which case they're making it accessible because not everyone knows the nuance of queer and LGBTALPHABETSOUP discourse. Or even - and I know this thought is incomprehensible to you, as the centre of the universe - it's actually referring to queer people and queer people only, not LGBT+ who aren't queer. Actually, I love that idea! Queer history is now history of queer people, no non-queer LGBT+ allowed :D)
I've never felt LGBT+ even when I thought I was one of the main four letters. But I've always felt queer, even as my understanding of my specific brand of queerness changed. Queer is an umbrella term that is opt in, that covers any and all LGBT+ people who know they are queer too, who know they're one of us, or who simply choose to call themselves queer for whatever fucking reason they want. Some of us are intrinsically queer, some choose to be queer because of the inclusiveness or relative opacity of the term, and you don't know which one a queer person is unless you have earned our trust enough for us to tell you.
And people like you fucking hate that.
So you know what?
I'm totally fine with you calling me a homophobe because the people who actually know more about me than the few sentences I've given you know that that's a joke, and their good opinion matters more to me than yours.
I'm totally fine with you calling me a homophobe because because it means I've won. I've gotten under your skin, just as your bigotry got right under mine. You're furious you can't categorise me. You're pissed off that I could be one of the LGBT+ people you actively dislike and want out of the LGBT+ community, but are finding a hell of a lot harder to flush out of the queer community because we all look the same at first glance and refuse to give you information you feel entitled to. Because it's easy to force people out of the closet in the LGBT+ community, but much fucking harder in a meritocracy like the queer community. To get into the LGBT+ community, you have to tell them which one you are. Queer? No questions asked, cause you already told us all we needed to know! Welcome home!
But let's say this is all a strawman.
That you really are some well meaning person who has nothing against the more obscure queer identities and that you really do just have a problem with the word. That you truly do think that queer people, the great majority of which experience same sex attraction, are... somehow... homophobic just for using the word despite their advocacy against homophobia and total acceptance of that aspect of themselves and others. That our fight for marriage equality and employment and housing protections and human rights is rendered COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IRRELEVANT because we used a word that Boomers and even some of gen X hurled at each other because a guy was a little bit girly, or a girl refused to grow her hair long, or because men were scared that a man would treat them the way they treated women. (Because queer as an archaic slur, ultimately, comes from misogyny as much as homophobia.)
Let's say you really do mean well and really do know people who were called queers instead of fags, or you really did grow up hearing "that is so queer" to describe things people didn't like, or you really did have "queer" hurled at you by straight people as if there was something wrong with you for not being cis and straight.
(Notice something, there? You probably haven't actually experienced any of that, nor anyone you know. This wank about who I am as a queer person - it's always aimed at us. Never the straights that used it against us. Nobody uses the word queer except queer people any more, I am 99% certain that you don't know ANYBODY who has had it thrown at them AS a slur, so that means that the only people you can target on your crusade are... gender and sexual minorities. Not cis/straight people. Because they're not calling us queers and haven't in decades.
That means you are knowingly targeting minorities over this EXCLUSIVELY, I am completely fucking certain..
... but I'M the homophobe?)
In which case all I can say is: I hope that the well-meaningness that's made you put this hateful thing into my inbox, that's made you say such hateful things to a minority because of their identity (there's a word for treating people differently because they're a minority, especially hostile treatment..), will outshine the hatefulness of what you're saying and lead you to a better way to express your desire to protect people.
If you truly are coming from a misplaced belief that we're somehow deprecating ourselves by being queer, and not a desire to force us out of the closet or to run off any gender or sexual minority, then I apologise for my hostility, acknowledge that learning takes time (and patience that I am unable to give, for I am tired of bad actors pretending they're not and cannot do it), and wish you the best in learning to be inclusive and loving so we can count you one day, at least, as a friend of us queer folk. Maybe one day we'll even welcome you as one of us. I'd love to do that more than I'd like to deal with THIS crap. I can't imagine me going off on you will have helped at all, but from in my experience people who want to protect gender and sexual minorities protect them. They don't target them. That's why I am writing this post under the assumption that you wrote this because you have bad intentions towards me as a queer person, and not out of a well meaning desire to protect anyone you think I've somehow hurt by being me.
In which case? Get fucked.
#long post#queer#queer queer queer#you know how I just said that I often come across as aggressive without intending to?#Disregard that this post is 100% aggressively intended#do not pick on my fellow queer folk or I will Go Off on you#also I don't get using privileged as an insult#that's like insulting me by calling me white#it's a descriptor#some people are privileged#I am privileged in some ways and not so in others#my queerness tho? definitely not
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The Dream
Painting by: Henri Rousseau
Photo (2021) and Story By Tyler D. Ortiz
Rating: T
Word Count: 2k~
Warnings: bad language, panic attacks
A/N: So this story is inspired by the Pedro Pascal episode of the podcast Talk Art (31:14-34:15). Go check that out if you want to hear some fun stories by the hosts and pp.
Summary: Matias, after losing his chance to act in a popular TV show, is taken to the Museum of Modern Art by his sister where he realizes he has nothing to lose.
~~~
Today, I’m supposed to meet my sister Lyanna here at East Village Pizza. She said it was a special treat for getting my first “big” role on Law & Order. When I told her the news, she had jumped up for joy, squealing my ear off. It wasn’t a big deal, just another job for the bills, but she was adamant that this job was a life changer. She’s says that about every job.
I came to the pizza parlor early, grabbing my favorite seat in front of the window. We normally sat here when we came because it gave us the perfect view of cold, angry New Yorkers. I had ordered our pizza, waiting for her to arrive when my phone starts to buzz.
I open it up and put it against my ear, holding it with my shoulder, “This is Matias.”
“Matias, I'm sorry to tell you…” Fuck, “…but we’ve decided to go in a different direction...” It’s the fucking casting director, droning on, saying those same fucking words, “You have wonderful talent.,” “You didn’t fit the director's vision.,” etcetera. Etcetera. ETCETERA. It's all movie-talk for “You weren't good enough.”
Grabbing the scruff behind my neck, I slammed my phone shut and stuffing it into my jacket pocket. What the hell was I going to do now? Three hundred bucks – gone in an instant.
“Here’s your order, Sir,” A waiter places the small pizza in front of me, and you know, today was one of the rare days I was able to scrounge enough money to afford the luxury of a decent slice of pizza, and now I can’t even enjoy it.
“God dammit,” It’s moments like these when memories of my father came hit me like a freight train. He used to berate me about goals and aspirations, telling me, “It’s never going to happen, Matias,” and “It’s not a job. You won’t get anywhere with that.” In high school, I used to constantly fight with him, telling him my dreams were achievable. That I would succeed as an actor. He would laugh in my face; tell me they were unobtainable. I mean... Maybe he was right.
Now, I’m living in one of the most expensive cities with over 300,000 dollars in debt, 40 bucks to my name, and a dead-beat waiter job at Planet Hollywood that barely pays for food let alone the bills. I have no back-up plan, no emergency fund. I just had my bachelor's degree in acting, which won't pay for shit.
I shake my head. My neck and back start to ache, an oncoming migraine sitting on my temples.
Matias, the fuck do you want to do that for?
Matias, you’re not good enough.
Matias, you will always be alone.
I stand to leave, throwing the untouched pizza in the trash on my way out the door. The cold winter air bites at my nose when I step outside. I pull my scarf up closer to my neck and make my way down East 9th Street.
Leaving the restaurant doesn’t help. Hopelessness rushes over me like a tsunami. The texture of the wool sweater underneath my jacket scratched annoyingly at the exposed skin on my wrists. It’s a cold wintery day but I feel incredibly hot underneath the layers. A nervous sweat builds underneath my beanie. Everyone’s staring, I know it. They know I've failed yet again. They know I’m just a naïve child.
His voice repeats in my head like a tornado siren, yelling, screaming at me, “You will not survive.”
You will not make an income.
You will not have healthcare.
You are setting yourself up for failure.
…You will die- My phone starts to buzz again. I really want to fucking ignore it but if it’s Lyanna, she’d have every cop in the city on my ass within the hour.
“Hey.” I cough, trying to clear my throat. Act normal.
“Mat! I’m sorry I’m late, I’m-” She sounds like she’s running.
“Actually, Sis, I left…” I stop in the middle of the pavement, getting shoved and cursed at by the impetuous crowd around me.
“What? Why?” Her concerned voice seeps through the phone. Suddenly, heat shoots up my back. She’s going to be upset.
I move off to the side, leaning up against a wall of graffiti, “I didn’t get the job after all.”
I hear her let out a breath, “Different direction?” She asks, knowingly.
I nod, “Yea... said I could act the part, but I didn’t fit the type of Latino they were going for... whatever the hell that means.” I spit out, bitterly.
“Means they’re bigoted.” I can hear the annoyed twinge in her voice.
“Yea... probably...” Lyanna stays quiet. “Hey... So, I’m not really up for doing anything... Can we just go home?”
“Umm...” She hums, clicking her tongue, “No.”
“Lyanna...” Please.
“No, no, I’m serious, I know you. Once you get home you're going to sulk in your room for days. Let's bypass the self-pity and go have fun. Take your mind off it.”
I’m silent for a moment, feeling my anxiety subside as I focus on her words, “What do I get if your wrong?”
“A fresh slice of cheese pizza to replace the one you probably threw away...” She laughs, “Now, how ‘bout MoMA?”
“Sure… MoMA sounds good.”
I’ve always found it difficult to find the Museum of Modern Art. The only way anyone would be able to tell where this museum was is with the three bright red banners hanging off the side of the building holding their acronym in an even darker shade of red. This was basically every building in New York so, of course, I pass right by it. Lyanna managed to catch me before I got too far. She runs up to me and immediately linked her arm into mine.
“Hey stranger, took you long enough.” She greats, warmly.
“You know how it is.”
“Oh common, where’s that smile? We are celebrating!” She starts to pull me into the museum, warm air painting my face when she opens one of the doors.
“Celebrating a failure.”
“Celebrating life.”
We walk in and are bombarded with hordes of people packed in front of every corner of the room. It's as if every single person visiting New York had decided that they would all collectively visit the museum on this specific day. Maybe they were having an event. People of all shapes and sizes were packed in front of each art piece, creating a thick barrier preventing outsiders from looking in on their beauty. In the corner of the room is a balloon man handing out replicas of Jeff Koon’s Balloon Dog to children. I clench my teeth at the disgusting sound of rubber and latex rubbing together. I feel a hot prickling in my neck at the sight of a child squeezing the neck of their bright metallic green Balloon Dog, another child on the edge of crying as she violently hit her blue Balloon Dog onto her stroller seat.
Someone bumps into me. I feel myself tense up. Don’t touch me. I take my arms away from Lyanna, hiding them in my pockets. Lyanna looks up at me, “Hey, are you okay?”
Fuck no,“Yes.”
“You sure? You seem tense,” she raises her eyebrow.
“No. No... I'm good... There’s just.” Act normal, “A lot of people.”
“Well, if you’re sure...” Everyone is breathing my air - of course I’m not sure. “You wanna start off this way then make our way around?” she asks pointing to her left. I nod.
She guides me to the fifth floor, to our first painting. Shes pushing through the crowds so we could get a closer look. It’s a dark painting with a black, shadowy silhouette of an elephant trudging on an upwards incline. The air around him grey, as if he was pushing through a sandstorm. He is struggling to get to wherever he was headed. I’m suddenly pushed closer to the struggling elephant. Lyanna snaps at someone behind me. A balloon pop’s. A child's scream echo around the room. The dark clouds surrounding the elephant fill my edge of my vision as my eyes zoom into the lonely elephant. My throat begins to close. My heart hurts. A voice in my head whispers “You’re dying. You’re dying.” in a joyous chant. I try to breathe but nothing can get through. My hands prickle. My chest stutters. The elephant fades. Only the shadowing and silhouettes of people fill my vision. I still feel the pain in my throat, as I try to breath in air.
Lyanna speaks but her voice is muffled. The darkness that had overtaken my vision slowly fades away. I sit up straight, feeling the soft leather beneath me, becoming aware of my surroundings. We are in different exhibit. It's completely empty. I shift, feeling the leather bench beneath my finger tips. The silence is soothing.
“You feeling better?” Lyanna sits next to me with a cup of water in her hands, causing the leather beneath creaked.
I close my eyes. God. She grabs at my hand but I pull away. Please go away. I can feel her eyes burning into my soul. It’s unbearable. I turn away from her. Please go away. She grips at the cup tightly. The crunch of the cup is excruciating.
“Matias.” She attempts to grab my hand again. I see it coming from a mile away. Like in slow motion. The closer she got, the more I dreaded the contact.
“Fuck! Stop! Can you please just give me a God damn minute?” I stand up trying to get away.
“What is happening?” She’s mad. You’ve ruined everything.
“I don’t want to be fucking touched, Lyanna. Just stop. Stop everything. Leave me alone.” I’m staring at the floor. If I look at her, I’m going to lose it. Shameful. Embarrassing.
“I’m only trying to help.” You’re an embarrassment.
“You’re not!” She’s going to never going to forgive you.
“Okay…” She stands slowly, “Let’s relax for a moment… I’ll be back in a few minutes… Just text me if you need anything.” I don’t say anything while she walks away, the sound of her shoes fading. I sit back down onto the chair, head in my hands.
I take a few deep breaths, focusing on the ground beneath me. The floor is smooth, my hair is soft and messy, the pressure of my elbows on my knees grow. My eyes leave the floor only to be met with a flood of green. A naked woman waking up on a large red couch in the middle of a jungle. Light green paints the leaves towards the bottom of the canvas and becomes darker going up towards the sky. The bright flowers burst up in different directions as the moon peaks through the canopy. The woman is surrounded by hidden animals. I spot a few hidden tigers, a white bird on the top left, a person hidden in the shadows playing an instrument, a few monkeys in the trees and an elephant beyond the trees staring back at me. It was a paradise. So sure of herself, she sits there facing away from me as if she has nothing to lose. She sits unafraid of the world around her.
I can’t relate. I’ll never get my chance. I’ll never not be afraid. I continue to stare at her, trying to understand what she may have done differently. Maybe she kept going. Maybe she stopped caring. Or maybe someone gave her a chance. Whatever she did must’ve worked because she continues to sit as if she has nothing left to lose –
“Henri Rousseau’s The Dream,” I jump. Lyanna stands on my right, staring at the painting with a hand on her hip, “Most people hate this painting.”
“I don’t see why…”
“Eh… Everybody has their own opinions…” She approaches cautiously, “Do you feel any better?”
I nod. “S-sorry,” I look back to the painting, “I just needed a moment to myself.”
“Don’t apologize… I should’ve… I don’t know, been more mindful, I guess.” She sits down next to me. I can see her hesitate before she puts a hand on my shoulder, “Are you going to be okay?”
I don’t answer at first. I look back at the painting. The Dream she called it. Maybe, this was the woman’s dream. Maybe she is like me. Our chances will arise. She strives towards her peace with nature around her as I strive for success in the asphalt jungle. Just as she has nothing left to lose, I, too, have nothing to lose. We are the same.
“Yea… I think I will be.”
~~~
Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think! Let me know if I missed a tag or a warning.
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Till Next Time!
-Dey
#my writing#short story#short fiction#inspiration#talk art#henri rousseau#The Dream#Pedro Pascal#tw panic attack#Museum of Modern Art#I could taste the pizza#new york#original writing#original story#original fiction
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The Cancer King's Court ~ The Holy Prince
Eridan Ampora/The Holy Prince
This Eridan is, in fact, the Eridan from our timeline.
After his death at the hands of Kanaya, Eridan mopes around the dreambubbles in a self loathing haze. Without Feferi or Karkat around to try and keep him afloat, Eridan is left to wallow in his own pathetic self pity. He takes every excuse to dive deeper into his own self loathing. Alternate versions of himself who have it better than him just go to show what a fuck-up he is, and those that don’t just reinforce his image of how miserable his life is.
He eventually runs into the Cancer King, who is absolutely pissed to see him. Karkat verbally tears Eridan to shreads, lambasting him for continually burying himself in his own self pity.
“you’re right, kar. god, you’re alwways right. i really am just a-”
“DON’T YOU FINISH THAT FUCKING SENTENCE, ERIDAN AMPORA. WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY, YES, THAT IS IN FACT, WHAT YOU ARE. AN ASSHOLE, A DOUCH CANOE, A RAGING BIGOTED VOLCANO OF BULLSHIT. THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU CAN’T BE ASSED TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT.”
“I’M WILLING TO BET THAT YOU’VE SPENT YOUR ENTIRE AFTERLIFE WALLOWING IN SELF LOATHING, HAVEN’T YOU? IT’S ALL YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE. IF YOU CAN’T MAKE YOURSELF SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM, THEN YOU’LL JUST SINK INTO A HOLE UNTIL YOU CAN THROW YOUR PROBLEMS ON SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOULDERS. YOU’RE A PARASITE. YOU FED OFF FEFERI, YOU FED OFF ME, AND NOW YOU’RE STARVING BECAUSE NO ONE’S LEFT TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT.”
“YOU COULD’VE MADE AN EFFORT, EVEN A SINGLE ATTEMPT, TO FIX YOURSELF UP AT ANY TIME YOU WANTED. I’VE MET PEOPLE WHO WERE ASSBAGS, WHO WERE JUST AS BIG OF SHIT STAINS AS YOU WERE AT ONE POINT, WHO HAVE BECOME BETTER PEOPLE. I’VE MET A VERSION OF VRISKA WHO TRIED TO CLEAN UP HER LIFE. FUCKING. VRISKA.”
“YOU’RE RIGHT, ERIDAN. YOU’RE A TERRIBLE PERSON. YOU’VE NEVER EVEN TRIED TO BE ANYTHING ELSE.”
Eridan stares silently. Karkat sighs and leaves.
Eridan wanders the Dreambubbles some more, Karkat’s lines repeating in his head. At first, it’s just another ember in his smouldering fire of self-loathing, but he can’t keep himself from chewing on it a bit more. Eridan’s conflicted thoughts come to a head when he meets himself from the New Timeline.
The Eridan from this timeline sold out his friends to The Condescension. He’s the reason she rose to power. And everything she’s done is on his shoulders.
When Eridan confronts his alternate self, he starts spewing all the same excuses that Eridan himself has used before. He didn’t have a choice, it’s his duty as royal blood, what did you expect him to do? When pressed, his alternate self admits to regretting what he did.
So, Eridan asks why he hasn’t tried to fix it yet? He’s a Grand Admiral in the Condescension’s navy. He has plenty of resources. He could easily fund the rebellion, work as a spy, plot some assassinations. He could try to fix this. Alternate Eridan refuses.
He’s always been the bad guy. Why pretend he could be anything else?
Eridan leaves in disgust. Karkat’s words finally sink in.
Even when given every reason in the world to change, Eridan couldn’t be bothered. Well, that ends today.
So, Eridan sets out to make amends. He visits the dreams of players still doing their sessions and gives them advice. He gives them hope, listens to their problems, helps them reach God-Tier and guides them away from the mistakes he made. He isn’t very good at it. Not initially. He finds himself listening to them as much as they listen to him. But, still, he grows. And, in doing so, he saves several sessions from the brink of disaster.
Eventually, Eridan meets Feferi. His Feferi.
The two awkwardly catch up, dancing around the obvious. They compare notes on the Dreambubbles and Eridan explains what he’s been up too.
Eridan bursts the bubble first. He asks her if she can forgive him.
…Feferi looks forlorn, devistated even, as she confesses that she doesn’t think she can.
Eridan quietly accepts this as he leaves.
He’s moping to himself in a memory of his old hive when the Pirate Queen knocks on his door. She comforts him and they try to make light of what terrible people they were. Again, they dance around the issue a bit, even humoring a bit of roleplay for old times sake, before they finally talk about the main issue.
Eridan laments how much it hurts to not be forgiven. Vriska can relate, but only to an extent. “I can live with Tavros not forgiving me, 8ut I don’t know where I’d 8e without Terezi. That sounds a 8it closer to what you’re going through.”
Vriska offers that, sense he’s making amends, maybe he could join the King’s Court.
Eridan turns her down. He wants to make amends on his own terms first.
So, Eridan gathers all the Players he’s helped and unties them against his alternate self. Playing on the flaws he knows his alternate self has, Eridan orchestrates his downfall, proving to himself that he’s outgrown the pathetic leech he once was. Eridan sees his new friends off with pride, inspiring them to join the Rebellion and fight fir the freedom of the Multiverse.
With that done, Eridan tracks down the Cancer King.
“i'vve wwon back my honor. noww i wwant to wwin back my friend.”
Eridan is the King’s commander in chief against the forces of Her Imperious Condescension. He intends to undo the damage done by his alternate self and win back Karkat’s friendship in one foul swoop. Like Vriska, his opponents tend to underestimate him. They expect the same arrogant manchild he used to be, which he uses to catch them off guard. In fact, his effectiveness was so great, that it took Karkat awhile to realize that he wasn’t God-Tier and was, in fact, still dead. Karkat rectified the issue soon after, but it’s a testament to how far he’s come.
Eridan spends most of his time with Vriska. The two of them forming something of a support group about being “the reformed bad guys” of the group. It never quite reaches the outright moirail levels that she has with Terezi though.
Gamzee holds him in considerably high regard for doing such a 180. It’s the reason he gave him and Vriska such lofty titles. Rose speculates if that has something to do with Gamzee’s unwillingness to face his own issues, but that’s for another day.
Like Aradia, Eridan never forgets the weight of what they’re doing. In fact, he refuses to associate with the ‘sacrifice’ side of the Court’s buisness. He understands the necessity of it, but he’s a reformed man. He can’t bring himself to sink back down there.
For a similar reason, he tries to let anyone know that he's The Holy Prince. He can’t stand to think about what the Players might say if they knew what their mentor was a part of.
Still, Eridan makes a point of befriending those he dismissed. He shares hunting stories with the Purrdator, he relates to the Bard’s loneliness. He even buries the hatchet with Sollux.
Eridan trusts in Terezi to keep Karkat on the straight and narrow, but he still worries about him. Eridan knows exactly what it’s like to bury yourself in your flaws. Luckily, he tends to inspire Karkat to be more merciful just by his example. The King even took the time to learn some of Eridan’s favorite board games.
In the end, The Holy Prince is a loyal man who holds himself to a high moral standard. A competent commander and a friend to all his students. Eridan Ampora is someone Karkat is proud to call his friend.
god I love that you just submitted this because I SCREAMED when I saw it.
also????? eridan being a source of advice for KARKAT????? YES PLEASE
anyways you said figure and I went OF ANGELS??? because hell yeah I'm gonna incorporate more aspect stuff. also eridan being a voice of reason is concerning and funny at the same time. i respect that you had vriska relate to him but even then like she has terezi which is SUCH a valid point!!!! eridan has to get there for a LONNNNNNNGGGG while but I'm actually glad that he’s working towards being better seeing he always had that potential but never took it.
#homestuck#eridan ampora#the holy prince#karkat vantas#sollux captor#aradia medigo#vriska serket#feferi peixes#the red death#the pirate queen#cancer king karkat#au#doodleart#submission#anon#evil john anon#jjhfjrjrhjrbrbrnjrrm
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Yungblud Fan Fiction - Protego
Prompt: Wizard (meaning it’s the Hogwarts AU nobody asked for)
Word-count: 1625 words
Warnings: none
Description: It's hard being a muggle-born wizard at Hogwarts at the moment, since the school's been taken over by pureblood-supremicists, but Dom's determined to do his best to carry on as normal. Thankfully, he has help.
Dom looked both ways before exiting the Hufflepuff common room.
Hogwarts wasn’t as safe as it used to be. Inside his house’s common room, he wasn’t in any danger; Hufflepuffs were inclusive by nature, but the rest of the school? Not so much. The place was being run by bloody Death Eaters, and even if Snape had ‘officially’ ordered that no students were to be targeted for unnecessary punishment, the Carrows had decided that people muggle-born - or a mud-blood, as they constantly spat at people who weren’t from wizarding families - was enough reason for a punishment to be ‘necessary’.
And Dom was muggle-born.
Muggle-born, and rapidly becoming aware that nowhere other than the Hufflepuff common room and dorms were safe. If it wasn’t the Carrows, it was the children of the Dark Lord’s Death Eaters, and if it wasn’t either of those two, then it was whichever student was looking to get on the Carrows’ good sides by throwing a bit of abuse at students who couldn’t (or weren’t allowed to) fight back. Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, it didn’t matter - generally it was only Hufflepuffs that could be trusted, and even with some of them, Dom wouldn’t want to be around without his other housemates, just in case. There were exceptions to every rule, after all.
Including the idea that most Gryffindors held that all Slytherins were on the side of the Carrows and the Dark Lord.
“Good morning, Harrison.”
Turning round, Dom smiled when he saw who’d spoken out to him.
He was always happy to see Delphine Prewett. She was Slytherin’s star student, the embodiment of everything they wanted a witch to be. Powerful, smart and sly, beautiful and elegant, and - perhaps most importantly to the people who decided what the embodiment of a Slytherin witch was - a Pureblood. She was popular, got top marks in all her classes, was an immediate choice to be made a Prefect in her fifth year, and had been Slytherin’s Quidditch Captain until she stepped down to be Hogwarts Head Girl at the beginning of this year.
When Delphine walked through the halls, the crowd parted like the Red Sea. When she spoke, rooms went quiet. When she made up her mind, no-one tried to change it.
And she’d decided that she liked him.
She was the best the school had to offer, and she had decided that she liked him.
Dom had gotten so fucking lucky.
With Delphine around, no-one challenged him over his blood status
“Hi, Delphie.”
Delphine didn’t smile at the nickname, but she allowed it, and that alone told Dom she liked it - because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t hesitate to let him know: “I thought we could walk to breakfast together.”
“That’d be great - maybe we could talk about the charms homework? I think I’ve got a good idea but I wanted to see what you thought…”
As always, Delphine was more than happy to listen to Dom ramble about his potions essay. He was no slouch when it came to any of his classes, but he had a tendency to go on tangents. Talking about what he was going to write down - and letting someone tell him when he was getting off topic - was really helpful. Delphine listened patiently as they sat at the Hufflepuff table, buttering slices of toast for both of them while Dom went through how he thought he was going to lay his essay out, writing notes on a scrap of paper about what was he was keeping, what he wasn’t keeping, and any additions Delphine thought might get him some extra marks.
Of course, because of what Hogwarts was like this year, the peace and quiet didn’t last long.
Helena Rookwood, a Ravenclaw student with a Death Eater father, appeared right behind Dom, sneering at him when he turned to look at her, and glaring at Delphine in a mixture of confusion and derision.
“Why are you sitting over here, Prewett? And more importantly, why are you sitting with that?”
Delphine looked up at Helena with a cold expression: “I beg your pardon?”
Most people would’ve recognised the icy tone Delphine was using as one of warning and backed down, but although she had the thirst for knowledge that seemed to characterise Ravenclaws, Helena seemed to struggle with retaining important knowledge like what happened when witches like Delphine lost their temper: “Harrison’s a mudblood - and a Hufflepuff mudblood at that. Why on earth would you waste your time sitting with him.”
“I don’t define a person’s worth on things like their house or incidental traits like blood status. After all, you are Ravenclaw and a pureblood,” Delphine sneered: “yet you are completely worthless.”
Helena seemed taken aback, her mouth hanging open like a fish. Dom was struck with the urge to tell her she was not a codfish, but he knew better than to antagonise her right now. Delphine was basically untouchable - so if Helena was going to lash out, she was going to lash out at Dom. And given her quick temper, it was pretty likely she was going to end up trying to get back at him for what Delphine had said. Dom didn’t need to upset her any more than she already had been.
As it was, Helena spluttered and glared, slowly went red in the face, but Delphine didn’t take mercy on her by dismissing her. She remained in her seat, looking at Helena with a raised eyebrow, waiting for either to respond or slink away in defeat. But Helena did neither.
Dom grew increasingly nervous as the silence dragged on. With Amycus Carrow watching on with narrowed eyes from his position at the teacher’s table, Dom didn’t dare draw his wand. He was lucky that it hadn’t been taken away by the Ministry yet - if it got confiscated by Amycus, he’d never get it back. Even if Helena drew hers first, Dom would be punished for dueling if he fought back…meaning he’d be relying on Delphine to defend him.
He had no doubt that she could - probably better than he could defend himself - but that didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous. He waited for something to happen, but the two girls just watched each other over the top of his head, waiting for the other to make their move. The stand-off seemed to drag out forever…
…but then Helena drew her wand.
“Confri- ”
“Protgeo!”
Delphine rose to her feet - but didn’t draw her wand. She didn’t need to.
I didn’t know she was so good with wandless magic.
The shield charm was so strong it sent Helena stumbling backwards before she fell onto her arse.
Delphine stood, leaning forwards to brace her hands on the table so she could look down her nose at where the other girl was sprawled inelegantly on the floor, her eyes watering as she looked back up at Delphine and tried not cry.
“Are you finished?” Delphine sneered, not taking it easy on Helena - despite having already beaten her.
“Why are you standing up for him? He’s a mudblood!” Helena wailed.
“And you’re a bigoted cu- ”
“Is everything okay here?”
All three of them turned to look at Alecto Carrow. The short, stocky woman was glaring down at Helena, her face wearing its usual pinched expression.
Helena didn’t wait to be told to get to her feet; all the students knew better than to let either of the Carrows see you down, in case they decided to kick you while they were…literally or figuratively. Even the students who believed in the same rhetoric as they did weren’t safe, especially from Alecto. She liked hurting people, and she didn’t care who her victims were as long as she was infliction pain.
Dom and Helena ducked their heads, but Delphine looked the other woman straight in the eye as she spoke.
“Yes, thank you Professor Carrow.”
“Make sure that it is, Prewett. As Head Girl, there are eyes on you.” Alecto warned: “Make sure you do not disappoint them.”
With that, she strode away, shooing Helena away as she went.
Everyone who had been trying to subtly watch without being caught went back to eating their breakfast. Delphine returned to her seat, but for the first time since they’d become friends in their third year, Dom saw her look shaken. Understandable; the ‘eyes’ on Delphine were the eyes of the Death Eaters interested in recruiting her…but Dom didn’t like it. There wasn’t a lot he could do (to speak out against the Death Eaters, even where they thought they couldn’t hear you, was a sure way to end up in trouble…or worse) but he reached out to take her hand and squeeze it reassuringly.
She returned his comforting smile with a strained one of her own, before taking a deep breath to center herself, and the confident expression of Delphine Prewett was back in place. If he hadn’t been looking just a second ago, he wouldn’t have known it was a mask…as it was, he went along with it. She was just doing what all of them were doing it: faking it until they could make it a reality.
“Well, we’d better get to class. The Head Girl can’t be late, after all.” she smirked.
Dom followed her out, waiting until they were halfway up the stairs to Transfiguration: “I’ve got your back, Delphie. They can’t have you if you don’t want them to.”
It might seem nonsensical to some…but Delphine understood, she always did: “Thanks, Dom. I’ve got yours too.”
“I know.” Dom grinned: “And you look fuckin’ amazin’ doin’ it.”
Delphine smiled: “I know.”
This time, her smile was a lot more genuine.
#The Trees Writes#The Trees' October 2020 Writing Challenge#Yungblud#Yungblud imagine#Yungblud fan fic#Yungblud fan fiction#Dominic Harrison imagine#Dominic Harrison fan fic#Dominic Harrison fan fiction#Dom Harrison imagine#Dom Harrison fan fic#Dom Harrison fan fiction
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Mako’s Journey in Learning to Love Theater Kids
chapter 1
Chapter 3/?
In which Mako doesn’t cry, and that’s not necessarily a good thing
-
Mako did not like Wu one bit. He did not like how Wu would blow his curls up when they got in his face, in fact, he despised Wu’s curls and how soft they looked. He hated that Wu’s smile was almost blinding, and that his laugh was big and jovial and nothing like what he’d expect from someone who was clearly very wealthy and well-raised. Nope. Wu was obnoxious and loud and way too...touchy. There was not a single flutter in his stomach when Wu grabbed his bicep to show him something. And he did not feel suspiciously similar around Wu to how he’d felt when he first met Korra.
“You and Wu seemed to hit it off.”
Mako whipped his head around in horror to face a smirking Bolin. “What?! We didn’t- he just- he wouldn’t leave me alone!”
Bolin’s face softened and he lay a hand on Mako’s shoulder. “Hey. You know I’ll love you no matter what, right?”
“Bolin-”
“Seriously. If you like Wu, it’s fine Mako. There’s nothing wrong with-”
“I don’t!” Mako cried, trying to ignore his heart sitting at the bottom of his stomach. “Like Wu. I don’t like him. I’m…” No, he was not going to cry. Mako did not cry, or get confused, or falter on anything. Mako was composed and strong. “I’m straight.” He’d made an attempt to sound content and unwavering, but his voice cracked on the last word and his eyes burned. Stop it Mako, this is stupid.
Bolin dropped it and the car ride home was silent.
---
Mako had been to the Earth Kingdom once. A little over a year before his parents were killed, his family had taken a trip to Ba Sing Se. Apparently his father had to do some work there, but Mako didn’t really remember that part. He wished he did. Anyway, Mako kinda hated the city. Everything was so rigid and divided and there was something unsettling in the very air, something he couldn’t quite pinpoint. He was only 7, but he knew it was wrong, separating people like this. He hated it and he wanted to go home.
About a week into the vacation, he’d gotten lost while out in the busy shopping center of the middle ring (his family wasn’t rich, but they were well off enough to afford a hotel room in the middle ring.) Practical even at 7 years old, Mako had planted himself at the front of a little tea shop and held his head high to try and seem intimidating. He’d tugged on the sleeve of the shop owner and asked in his most mature voice if the man could use the loudspeaker to report Mako’s location so his family could find him. And he waited.
He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but it wasn’t his fault that they people at the table near him were talking so loudly.
“...hear what happened in the fire nation last month?”
“Yes! It’s revolting.”
Mako strained his ears, he wanted to know what was revolting!
“The fire nation citizens are practically rejoicing, the poor souls can’t even recognize how unnatural it is.”
“Legalizing same sex marriage.” The person had scoffed very loudly. “Next thing we know they’ll be letting us marry furniture.”
Mako’s parents, and Bolin had walked in after that, hugging Mako in relief and scolding him for wandering off. Mako took it all in stride, like any 7 year old would, and went right back to his trip. But that overheard conversation stuck with him, whether he entirely realized it or not. It stuck with him at 8 when he found himself thinking that boy in his class was pretty, and at 13 when he found himself wanting to run his hands through the hair of a boy that he and Bolin hung around for a brief time. Even after those old-fashioned, bigoted notions had been set right, and after he saw Korra and Asami so happy together, it stuck with him. Maybe not in the way that made him actively hate gay people, but certainly in the way that made him sub-consciously hate himself.
---
Bolin’s selfless act of dropping the subject didn’t last very long, nor did it stay very private, as he announced over breakfast the next morning: “So, Mako, I’ve decided to invite Wu over today. To, y’know hang out.”
Mako promptly choked on his moon peach and turned to his brother in dismay, still coughing violently. “You- why???” He cried.
“Well, he’s my friend!” Bolin replied grinning horrifyingly large.
“No he’s- Bolin you hate him!”
Lin, who had been sitting at the end of the table quietly, raised an eyebrow and Mako was sure that she was once again, wondering what possessed her to take them in 3 years ago. “Isn’t Wu that annoying little shit that paid his way into the advanced theater class?”
“He didn’t-”
“That’s the one,” Bolin replied, shoving the remainder of his food in his mouth.
Lin groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fine, but keep Mako’s little boyfriend out of my way.”
“Lin!” Mako shouted. “He’s not- I just met him- I’m-”
“You’re straight, yup, I said the same thing when I was your age.” She clapped Mako on the shoulder and smiled in the same strange way she did when she was about to try and fail to give him advice. Like someone had pinned boulders to each of her feet and was threatening to kill her if she didn’t smile.
---
Mako didn’t give a fuck what he was wearing that day. He had not picked out that one shirt that he’d accidentally crashed into a perfume barrel while wearing that one time because it still smelled like jasmine. Well, not on purpose anyway. In his defense, it was a nice shirt; a soft, black button up with red stitching and buttons that he’d been given as a gift last year. He adjusted the collar, which had a habit of sticking out in all the wrong ways, and debated on whether or not to tuck it into his loose, grey jeans. The ones he’d bought right after receiving his first ever paycheck working at Narook’s. They weren’t much, but they were durable and- what? Why is he thinking about his clothes? He’s not trying to impress anyone, spirits! Mako groaned and buried his face in his hands. Stupid, Mako, you have no reason to dress up… Maybe do slip on that nice red coat though- no! He stopped himself before kicking a hole in the wall, deciding on a simple sigh of defeat and sinking to the ground fighting back tears that were pricking threateningly at the corners of his eyes. This was absurd. He didn’t like Wu, hell he could hardly tolerate him. That was a lie, that was a lie and he knew it. But hey, internalized homophobia will do that to you, won’t it?
Mako wiped furiously at his eyes, gritting his teeth, because this was ridiculous! I’m straight, I’m straight, I’m straight, I’m straight, I’m… He shut his eyes as tight as he could manage, locking his thoughts away neatly in a box, like he did with all significant emotions. If it wasn’t about school or survival it was unimportant, trivial. He locked it away with his anxieties about Lin getting tired of him and kicking him out, his memories from before it all went to shit, and everything else. He was not having a sexuality crisis, nope!
“Mako?” Bolin knocked gently on the door, but as was customary with them, it was more of a warning than a question. He walked in and upon seeing Mako curled up in the corner, sat beside him. “Mako-”
“I don’t wanna talk.”
“Mako that’s what you always say when you really need to talk but don’t know how,”
“No it’s not.”
“Yea, it is, dude. C’mon, you know I’ve just been messing with you.”
“Yea.”
“Mako!” Bolin’s face was crunched up exactly how it always was when Mako got like this. “I don’t see why you can’t just talk to me! Do you think I’m gonna judge you for whatever emotions you’re failing at hiding?”
“Bolin…” Mako’s mouth hung open, but he couldn’t make the words come out. “It’s just.” He hardened his jaw and breathed in slowly, steadily. “It’s…”
“I know. Well actually, technically I don’t, but uh… I can try, I guess.” He sighed as if searching for the right words. “Look Mako, I have no idea what you’re going through right now, but we’re brothers. You can talk to me. I understand not telling Lin, cause she’s not exactly Ms. Advice, but you can tell me things.”
“I know,” Mako whispered, but his tone was stiff. He wasn’t gonna talk about it, not yet at least. But it was nice, knowing for sure that no one was gonna hate him when he finally was ready to talk. Not that he didn’t know that before, but…
“I’m gonna go, and… uh, Wu couldn’t make it, by the way. He’s busy. But I didn’t think you’d wanna have anyone over right now… anyway.”
Mako watched as the door shut behind Bolin and he leaned back until his head rested on the cold wall. He wondered if he might get stuck there if he stayed still for long enough. He also wondered how long it would take for his brain to sort things out. Lastly, he wondered if it was possible to go to Ba Sing Se to find those people that had single-handedly ignited a flame in his mind that over the years, had grown into a fire large enough to seep into all his thoughts and emotions and burn them to ash. He wanted to hit those people. He wanted to cry full on, big, ugly tears and not feel guilty about it. He wanted to stop feeling guilty about everything, blaming it all on himself because it was easier to carry the burden of everyone’s mistakes than to face his own demons that couldn’t seem to shut the fuck up.
---
“You heard from that Lee girl recently?”
“Nope. Not since she started running numbers for the Agni Kais.”
“The Agni Kais? But isn’t she…”
A soft, almost mournful chuckle rang through the alley. Mako pressed himself further against the crates. He’d just come to get some food for Bolin, he hadn’t meant to run straight into Triple Threat Triad territory. But this conversation didn’t seem threatening at all. It seemed sad.
“Yea, she was. I heard they didn’t take too kindly to it. Don’t know why she joined to begin with. ‘S no secret the Agni Kais won’t hesitate to strike down anyone like her.”
“Desperate for money, the girl was almost starved.”
“Probably. I would’ve given her somethin’.”
“You…”
“Don’t go ‘round telling people, but I got a soft spot for the kid. She was smart, that little girlfriend of hers too.”
Mako’s heart was spiraling in his chest. Strike down people like her, little girlfriend… he felt like he was gonna be sick. He knew Lee. She was just a couple years older than him, had only been on the streets for two months after he parents had kicked her out. She was the only homeless kid he knew that had a phone, and she’d let him play games on it when he got overwhelmed. And she was gone. They’d done what? Killed her just cause she liked girls. They hurt people like her. They hurt people like that. They… he curled in on himself, biting his lip to stop the tears. They hurt people like him.
---
Mako hadn’t smoked since he was 15. He’d picked up the habit when he was young and stupid and so so scared. It’d helped with the emotions that were too big and too complicated. But a couple years ago, Lin had found his cigarette stash and fake ID. She confiscated it all, saying that she may have no clue what she was doing, but she sure as hell knew that 15 year olds weren’t supposed to be smoking. That was the end of it. It was easier anyway, to not smoke. It was easier when he had a roof over his head and a guaranteed meal every night.
It wasn’t hard to get more, he knew that Lin kept some stashed away for when her sister came to visit and she needed an excuse to go outside, away from everyone. Su said it was a disgusting habit, and Lin would point out that Su hadn’t thought that when she was 16. Mako always tuned out the argument right about then.
The smoke plumed around him and he began to remember how he got addicted to this stuff. There was ash, sparks in his throat and he wondered if he would breathe fire when he exhaled. Wondered if a flame licking at his throat would make him feel alive in the way that didn’t terrify him.
He had planted himself on the roof of the apartment building, knowing that he could easily lean back the wrong way and go tumbling off. He considered it for a moment, then took another drag on his cigarette. It was cold and he’d left his coat inside. He brought the withering cigarette up to his hand, almost leaving a burn mark on his palm, desperate for warmth. Maybe if he stayed out here long enough, the smoke would consume him until he was ash in the wind. Maybe that would be easier.
---
chapter 4
#mako's journey in learning to love theater kids#wuko#mako#tlok mako#wu#prince wu#tlok prince wu#lin#lin beifong#tlok lin#bolin#tlok bolin#tlok#lok#legend of korra#the legend of korra#mako x prince wu#wuko fic#wuko fanfic#wuko fanfiction#tlok fic#tlok fanfic#korra#asami#suyin beifong#willow writes
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Because how can a group of cis straight men who "is a good people too" deep down make up those manosphere Red Pill threads calling women all kinds of super dehumanizing terms, advocating for things like no age of consent, fantasizing about locking women into breeding pens, wanting to abolish rights and gleefully wishing for Gilead to be reality, wanting to shoot and rape them or championing the men that do, and think “yeah this sounds pretty reasonable”…there's something seriously wrong with that. It's so cute how women think that men think and act just like women deep down, men not different is one of the biggest lies a girl can ever fib up. Women seriously have very little inkling of how much men hate them. Men and women; cishet or not; who are pro abuse, rape, want to trick women, use Red Pill/PUA flirt or Play With Emotion Highs and Lows/Act Amused and Cocky with a hint of playful like talking to your little girl, etc don’t seem to change. They don’t suddenly lose their entitled, dishonest and hateful ways.
Also, who’s to say they won’t change back later on? Say if he gets in a relationship and his partner is vulnerable and more trapped. For example after marriage or a baby. If they could genuinely change it would of course be great, but I’m suspicious of their motives if they are proclaiming they have. It's like they didn't even see women as human or "not inferior" or "not a tool to use" in the 1st place!
The PUA Manosphere isn't just an incel hovel, most regular men you'd consider average and you're familiar with (even with girlfriends) use platform to blare their unfiltered thoughts too. You do know how many men and ex-incel Nazi women have been part of the manosphere before, even the ones you're dating hooking up?
But would anyone ever encourage a woman to enter a relationship with a “reformed” incel or MRA? Not bloody likely. Which hurts her even more because we men don't think of women as people and don't respect them tbh. Men don't think of women as unique either, just replaceable and disposable if over 27.
My bitch have a very dim view of men who have been steeped in that kind of hate. She been through some pretty angry phases of abuse and breakups in her life, but never once thought of killing men, taking away their rights, raping them, tricking and abusing them, etc. At her most angry she just wanted not much to do with them outside of family circle.
Exactly. Unfortunately I‘m not so sure that these types of supposedly reformed, toxic men are very capable of change at all. Its more likely they just say they are, because they’ve discovered their behaviors weren’t getting them what they wanted. They want to keep doing the same things, but without any of the stigma attached to it. Seriously, how could a man who gets off to suffering ever have love?
Women must be hormonally very dumb, sadomasochistic and so self-destrucktive to want cis straight men even when he uses and destroys her before 30. The sad times of a SuperStraight woman. Being born a man better.
Hi first of all I just want to ask: are you okay?
I don’t mean that in a joking, sarcastic way. I admit I’m having some trouble following everything you sent, but you seem angry about the differences between men and women and/or how women perceive bigoted men?
I will address the bizarre last paragraph though: if a woman wants to be with a cis straight man, let her! It’s 2021 and it’s no one’s business who they’re dating/fucking. People of every sexuality and gender have the right to be in a healthy and happy relationship, and that includes whatever group of people you’re beefing with in my ask.
Three things bother me about what you sent me: you’re making stand up for cis straight men in the first place (I have plenty of issues with them but this rant is a little much. even for cis straight dudes), it’s not fucking cool to shit on women dating non-incel cis men like that, and super straight isn’t a real thing.
Idk I’m not straight and I’m not super sober so this makes my brain hurt
#long post#I don’t know what I did to deserve this#ask#wait omg is this my first anon hate#I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long 🥺
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She Sets the City on Fire - Father Knows Best
She Sets the City on Fire: A Bruce Banner Fanfic
MASTERLIST
PREVIOUS //
Buy me a ☕
Square: @brucebannerbingo - U3 Free Space
Rating: E
Warning: Age Gap, asshole parents, anxiety, smut (MF, light ds, oral sex, throat fucking, rough sex, a small amount of spanking, vaginal sex, gags)
Word Count: 4380
Pairing: Bruce Banner x OFC (Summer)
Summary: Bruce is drawn to Summer. She’s everything he wished he could be. Carefree, exciting, and she knows exactly who she is. There are so many reasons a relationship with her wouldn’t work. So why can’t he stop thinking about her?
A/N: On the first chapter
6. Father Knows Best
Bruce and Summer walked up West 88th hand in hand. They were driving out to Westchester so Bruce could meet Summer’s parents. He was nervous. Neither Summer nor Aiden talked about their parents much - at least not with Bruce - but after Tony had hinted it was someone famous, he had looked it up.
Summer’s father was media mogul Chester Martin. The man who’s media empire included every single right-wing and anti-superhero outlet from New York’s Daily Bugle to the Globe-News. It was his publications that helped the government cover up the Hulk and had Bruce listed as public enemy number one and pushed as some kind of global terrorist. With that and what he had heard about him buying affection and ignoring Aidan’s existence for most of his life, Bruce was not foreseeing a warm reception. Bruce was just thankful that he was actually younger than Chester. He could only imagine how much worse it would be if they were from the same generation. Even though the age-gap between Chester and Summer’s mother was over 30 years, Bruce didn’t think that hypocrisy would be enough of a reason to not use the age thing as a reason that Bruce wasn’t good enough for his daughter.
Summer had assured him that there wouldn’t be a problem. That at worse he probably wouldn’t even notice that Bruce was there and that her mother liked everyone and she’d be welcoming to him. Aidan had confirmed that Summer wasn’t lying about her mother, but that there was no way their father would like him. He would pretend for Summer but in Chester’s eyes, no one was good enough for Summer, let alone some middle-aged, liberal, with an anger issue. Aidan had left him one piece of advice, don’t let Chester get him on his own.
“Summer, are you sure what I’m wearing is fine?” He asked for the eighth time that day. He had not been able to decide if he should go formal or casual and ended up landing on a strange mix of both, with navy khakis, a dark purple button-up shirt that he left loose at the collar, a dark brown suit jacket, and because it was cooling off a long black coat. Summer, on the other hand, looked like she stepped off the silver screen in a vintage skirt suit in pale pink wool with black trim.
“You look just like you. And I love you. So he’ll love you.” Summer said, lifting his hand up into the air and spinning under it. “Just relax, Brucie. I’ll protect you.”
They reached the garage where Summer kept her car. A valet came out and she handed him a card. It wasn’t long before he re-emerged driving a vintage MG Roadster in dark burgundy.
“Wow,” Bruce said, as Summer exchanged her keys for a tip. He ran his hand over the hood of the car. “Tony would love this.”
“I’m sure he could afford to buy one if he wanted.” Summer joked.
“Do you think…” He paused and fidgeted with his hands. Tony never let him drive one of his cars and he always wanted to. Tony wasn’t Summer though. Maybe she wouldn’t have that little hang-up about needing to be behind the wheel. “Could I please drive?”
“Can you drive stick?” She asked.
He nodded. “I learned on the run.”
Summer threw him the keys and got into the passenger seat, digging in the glove compartment and pulling out a silk scarf that she wrapped around her hair while Bruce got into the driver's side and started the car.
“This is such a beautiful car,” Bruce said. He wasn’t exactly what you’d call a ‘car person’. Not the way Tony was. He wasn’t into the engines or horsepower except for the basic way he was into that kind of science in general. He could appreciate aesthetics though, and the rumble of an engine and the way he just felt like maybe the cool factor might rub off on him just a little. Oh god… was he going through a midlife crisis after all?
“Thanks,” Summer said, hanging her arm over the door. “My dad got it for my 21st.”
“He bought you a car that’s older than you.” Bruce mused.
“It’s older than you too, Grandpa. She’s a ‘63.” Summer teased.
“You got a thing for the elderly?” Bruce teased.
Summer laughed and leaned over, kissing his cheek. “You know it. I’m a grave robber.”
As they drove the 45 minutes to Westchester, Bruce kept stealing glances at Summer. Something about the vintage suit, the scarf around her hair to protect it from the wind and the large round sunglasses she’d put on made her look like a 50s starlet. She was in particularly high spirits today too, which was saying something for the ever carefree Summer. She didn’t stop smiling the entire trip up. Her hand was usually somewhere on Bruce, often sliding it’s way up his inner seam, sometimes on his hand, or playing with his hair.
Summer provided the directions and as they made their way into Westchester the houses just kept getting bigger and bigger and the space between each one became more vast until they became more like compounds than simply mansions. When they reached what was the biggest one yet he turned, entered the code at the gate and drove up the winding drive to the enormous mansion.
They got out of the car and Summer came around and took Bruce’s hand. “He’s nice. I protect you anyway, but he’ll love you.”
Bruce sighed. He wasn’t so sure that they’d think much of each other, to be honest. Chester Martin was a hateful bigot who had no concept of what it was like to struggle at all. How Summer and Aidan had come out of that family even half the decent people they were was impressive, but Bruce was no stranger to good coming out of such bad.
As they made their way up the steps Chester and Abigail came out the front to meet them. Summer let Bruce’s hand go and ran to them, hugging them both tightly. Bruce continued his way up alone and when he finally reached them, Summer pulled back and introduced him.
Abigail greeted Bruce warmly, hugging him and kissing his cheek. She was still quite young, in fact, the thought slipped into his head that Abigail was actually 2 years younger than Bruce was. The thought freaked him out a little bit and he pushed it away and smothered it. Abigale was slender and wore her long red hair in a bun. She had the same clear blue eyes as Summer. In fact, Summer had taken after Abigail to the point it looked like she’d been cloned. Which was good for her really, because as beautiful as her mother was, Chester Martin looked like a bloated, wrinkly toad.
He greeted Bruce with a firm handshake and a patronizing tone. The followed him inside where Bruce met Summer’s sister Dakota. Dakota looked a lot like Summer, though she had the dark hair and eyes of her father. She barely even looked up from her phone when Summer walked in but when Summer said Bruce’s name her eyes snapped up.
“You’re Bruce Banner!” She said, putting her phone away.
“That’s right.” He said, feeling a little awkward. Summer took a seat on a large leather couch and patted the spot beside her.
Dakota immediately moved from where she was sitting and sat down next to Bruce, pressing herself against him. “I didn’t know you were dating an Avenger, Sum. Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I told you his name was Bruce,” Summer said.
Dakota leaned towards her sister, her breast pressing against Bruce’s arm. “You know what I mean.”
“I really don’t, Dakota,” Summer said.
Dakota sighed and her knuckles brushed up the side of Bruce’s thigh.
Chester took a seat in one of the wing-backed chairs opposite them while Abigail took a more comfortable looking sofa seat next to him.
“How exactly did the two of you meet?” Chester asked.
Thus started the grilling. Most questions seemed to try and pry out how long they’d been dating, what they did when they were together, and how serious they actually were. The amount the Martins seemed to know about their daughter could fit in a thimble. Chester’s questioning seemed to imply that Summer was an innocent young girl and Bruce was just there to corrupt her.
At some point, a staff member came in and poured everyone drinks before disappearing again. After what felt like they’d been questioning forever, Chester looked at his watch. “Girls, can you check and see what’s taking the kitchen so long with lunch?”
Summer jumped to her feet and practically skipped from the room after kissing Bruce on the forehead. Dakota slouched after her. When they were out of earshot, Chester turned to Bruce.
“I am not having my daughter being dragged into your Avengers lifestyle. I know the kind of things Stark gets up to and I don’t want her life to be put in danger for associating with the likes of you,” Chester seethed. “When you leave here today, you will break up with her. You’ll let her down easy, but I don’t want to see you here again.”
Bruce’s heart started hammering in his chest, and he could feel the pulse in his ear and a shove from the Hulk in the back of his head. “E- excuse me?”
“You heard me. How dare you put my daughter in danger of being hurt by that thing inside you?” Chester snapped. “What is she doing with you anyway? She’s a straight-A student, she is above being corrupted by some lecherous middle-aged man. I won’t allow it.”
The hypocrisy was so thick that Bruce could almost taste it. Anger started bubbling up inside him and he couldn’t seem to get it under control. “Don’t you think Summer should get a say in this?”
“No. I don’t.” Chester said. “You will be breaking up with her. If you don’t there will be consequences. And if you think for a second I can’t make your life a living hell, you’re sadly mistaken.”
Bruce’s mind raced. Memories of how the press had treated him when he was on the run mixed with headlines about him hurting Summer. He couldn’t hear anything above the thud of his pulse in his ears. There was a shove from Hulk and he was sucked into the dark.
Hulk roared and swung his fist, shattering the coffee table in front of him. He wasn’t sure where he was exactly or what was wrong. There was no gunfire or explosions to point him at his target. All he knew was that Banner had been angry and scared and it was time for him to step in.
The couple in front of him was backing up against the wall, but the woman who looked so much like pretty Summer hand her hands up in placation. “Please don’t hurt us.”
Hulk huffed. Usually, when they were begging not to be hurt it was a pretty good sign they needed to be. The door crashed open behind him and he spun around and growled. In front of him was pretty Summer and he felt something in him relax a little. Behind her stood a younger girl with dark hair who looked both surprised and scared. He took two steps towards Summer, hoping she might have an answer to why Hulk was here.
“Big guy?” She said, a little confused. She put her hand on his arm and stepped around him, standing in front of him like she wanted to shield him. “What did you do to him?” She yelled.
“Us?” The old man argued. “Your boyfriend just turned into a monster and somehow that’s our fault.”
“Daddy!” Summer snapped. “I know you think I don’t know what you say to the people I bring home. But I do. I hoped you might not be stupid though. What did you say that upset him so much?”
“I told him to break up with you! You’re too good for him Summer! He’s older than your mother!” The man argued.
Summer took a deep breath and balled her hands into tiny fists. Hulk squared up behind her, breathing heavily. “Daddy, I love you, but you can be a huge asshole sometimes.” She turned to Hulk and touched his wrist. “Hey, you want to come outside with me. We have horses. I want to show you.”
Hulk smiled and wrapped his large hand around Summer’s tiny waist. As she led him out of the room, Summer stopped at the girl who was still looking at Hulk stunned. “Can you get some of Daddy’s clothes and bring them out to the stable?” She said quietly.
The girl nodded. “Yeah… yeah okay.”
“Thanks, Dakota,” Summer said and led Hulk outside.
He lumbered after beautiful Summer through the grounds. “I’m sorry about my dad. He can be a bit much.” She said.
“Hulk not mind. Hulk used to it.” He rumbled.
“You shouldn’t be used to it though. It’s mean. Did Bruce get really upset?” She asked.
Hulk nodded. “Puny Banner. Not like being questioned. Hulk here now.”
She led him into a stable and Hulk began to look at the horses. He always liked being around animals. Animals never judged him. The horses all let him pat them and feed them hay. Summer introduced him to each one and gradually Hulk calmed completely and was just enjoying that he got to spend some time with her.
The brown-haired girl showed up with her arms full of clothes. “You think this stuff will be okay?” She asked as she handed them over to Summer.
“Yeah, it’ll be fine. Thanks, Dee,” Summer said and put it on a bench. “Hey Big Guy, this is my sister Dakota. Dakota, this is the Hulk.”
Dakota raised her hand in a wave. “Nice to meet you.”
Hulk huffed and nodded his head.
“You’re not scared of him?” Dakota asked her sister.
Summer shook her head and patted Hulk’s hand. “He’s my friend. It’s nice getting to see him. I just wish it wasn’t because of something dad said.”
Dakota shrugged. “You should have seen him with the last guy I bought home. Didn’t even try and chase him off in private.”
Summer giggled. “I get he’s trying to protect us… I just…”
“Yeah…” Dakota agreed and looked up at Hulk. “Can you introduce me to Cap?”
Hulk furrowed his brow. “Don’t know.”
“Dakota, you’re 17! He’s over 100!” Summer yelped.
“Yeah, yeah. And he’s hot as fuck,” Dakota said.
Hulk could feel Bruce niggling at the back of his head and he huffed and put his hand on Summer’s back. “Banner want back. Hulk go.”
Summer leaned up and kissed Hulk’s cheek. “It was nice to see you.”
He nodded and stepped back and sunk back into the dark.
Bruce groaned and blinked around. “Summer?” He said, covering himself with his hands.
Summer grabbed the pile of clothes and gave them to him. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“Where are we?” Bruce asked.
“The stables. I thought it would be a good way to calm Hulk down,” she explained and looked at Dakota. “You think we can have some alone time?”
“Yeah, whatever,” Dakota said, looking Bruce up and down before spinning and heading back to the house.
“Did I hurt anyone?” Bruce asked as he started getting dressed.
“No, Brucie,” Summer said rubbing his back. “Just smashed a coffee table. But he can afford to replace it.”
“I’m sorry,” Bruce said with a sigh. He was starting to think maybe Chester was right after all. Anything could have happened and it would have been his fault.
“No, Bruce. I’m sorry for letting him talk to you like that. I shouldn’t have left you alone,” she said.
He paused as he buttoned up his pants. “Summer, this isn’t your fault.”
Summer wrapped her arms around his shoulders and nuzzled into his back. “I’m not stupid, Bruce. I know who my dad is. I try and keep him accountable, but he sees me as this… perfect little flower and he doesn’t really listen to anything I actually say. He’s still my dad though. I knew he probably wouldn’t like you. I knew I shouldn’t let him be alone with you. But … it seemed to be going okay. I slipped.”
Bruce turned and pulled her close. “You don’t have to protect me from that. I should be able to keep the anger under control.”
She leaned her forehead against his. “Hulk didn’t hurt anyone. I promise,” she said. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to go home to bed and start thinking of ways to pretend none of this ever happened,” Bruce said. “But we should probably go back inside. I can’t just run from people like that. Especially not when they’re your family. Because… I love you, Summer. I want you to be my family.”
Summer smiled. “What if… we go to my room first. We can do some of those things first,” she teased. “Besides. I wanted to show you my poster.”
Bruce smiled and kissed her nose. “That sounds really good.”
Summer led him back inside through the back door and upstairs to her bedroom. It was everything he’d hoped it would be. Everything was pink and floral. Shelves were littered with snow globes and ceramic unicorns. There was a twin bed with a white metal frame in the middle of the room with a garish pink, floral bedspread that looked like it came right out of the 1970s. Around the edge of the room acting as a kind of wallpaper-border, were pictures of various scientists, including, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Ada Lovelace, Alan Turing, and above her bed, a photograph of him.
“Look at that, you weren’t kidding, were you?” He said, looking around at the photos. “If you were so into science, why are you studying classics?”
Summer shrugged. “I liked the history about how the discoveries were made more. The lives of the people who made the grand discoveries. How Évariste Galois died in a duel. And the way Tesla was treated by Eddison. I still cry when I think about how Turing was treated,” she stepped over to Bruce and put her hands on his chest. “How Bruce Banner fell in love with some crazy redhead.”
Bruce chuckled. “I thought you were going to say something about the accident. Or being hunted. Or becoming an Avenger.”
Summer shook her head. “This bit is much more interesting.” She brought her lips to his and they kissed deeply. His arms circled around her and he pulled her tight against him and she began to unbutton his shirt. “Bruce,” she whispered. “I want you to fuck me so hard. Use me like he thinks you must be.”
Bruce choked on air. “You’re sure?”
“Yes, please,” she hummed, kissing just under his ear and pulled his shirt open.
He pulled back and looked at her, “I’ll do my best. With the Hulk out I might have to pull back though.” He said seriously.
“I understand, honey,” she said, smiling sweetly at him.
“Now, for me to feel okay about it, you need to be as quiet as you can. Okay, sweet one?”
“Yes, sir,” she whispered.
“Then take off those clothes and get on your knees.”
Summer pulled back and took off her jacket and blouse. She folded them in half and laid them over her desk. She slipped her shoes off and shimmied out of her pencil skirt. She was wearing a white lace bra with matching thong, a white garter belt and shimmering white stockings Bruce hummed as he looked her up and down and pulled out his cock.
“Look at you,” he growled softly as he pumped his cock. She bit her bottom lip and sunk to her knees in front of him, looking up at him with those clear blue eyes.
She ghosted her lips up his shaft and kitten licked along the slit. Bruce hardened fully and wrapped her hair in his hand. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, centering himself. When he let it out he looked down at her and pulled her hair. “Open wide, honey.”
Summer opened her mouth and stuck her tongue out. Bruce pushed his cock in past her lips and she closed them around him, engulfing his shaft in the warm, wet of her mouth. She sucked up and down his length with that perfect amount of pressure to send a shiver running up his spine. For a moment he just watched her and enjoyed the way that a dull tingle coiled up through him from his cock.
He pulled her hair back and looked down into her eyes. “Hold still, honey.”
Summer opened her mouth and Bruce began to thrust down her throat. “That’s it,” he purred. “Take it.”
She moaned and gripped his thighs, breathing through the assault on her throat but never gagging or choking. He brought himself right to the edge of orgasm with her mouth. His cock throbbed and his balls tightened, ready to release Just when he thought he’d gone too far, he let her go and pulled back. Summer fell to her hands and knees panting.
“Fuck,” she gasped. “That was so hot, Bruce.”
Bruce helped her to her feet and kissed the side of her neck. “You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen. If it was hot, it was all you.”
She hummed, carding her fingers through his hair and making him purr softly as she unhooked his bra, tossing it aside. “Fuck me hard, Bruce,” she whispered against his ear.
“You be good and stay quiet,” he said and spanked her ass. He spun her around and bent her over the bed. He yanked her thong down, snapping the clasps of her garters as he pulled them down. He crouched as he dragged them down, kissing the insides of her thighs and nuzzling at her pussy. When he stood again he ground against her and palmed her cunt, massaging it and slipping his fingers between her folds. She mewled and wriggled against him, and he grabbed her thighs, tearing her stockings as he pulled her back flush against him.
“Please, Bruce,” Summer whined through clenched teeth. “I want your dick so bad.”
Bruce reached into his pants for his wallet and then remembered that these weren’t his clothes. “Damnit. Summer. I don’t have any protection.”
Summer gripped the sheets and groaned. “Have you been sleeping around?”
Bruce shook his head. “No. Just you.”
“You know you can if you want to,” she said.
“Are we really having this conversation right now?”
Summer started laughing. “Sorry. My last test came back clean and I’ve only been with you since. Cassie went down on me one time and I gave this guy I met at school a handjob, but I used a latex glove So if you want to...”
Bruce blinked and shook his head. “You’re on birth control?”
“Yes, sir,” she purred grinding her dripping cunt back against his cock.
Bruce took a few deep breaths, massaging her ass as he pictured how her cunt would feel as he fucked her raw. His chest rose and fell as he pushed Hulk back, the deep rumble of his primal need pushing against him. He gripped her hips and sunk deep into her.
She groaned and bit the quilt cover as she squeezed her pelvic floor around him, the warmth and wetness of her encompassing his shaft as it pressed down from every side. It was the first time he’d even attempted sex without protection since Betty before the accident and he’d forgotten how different it felt.
“God, Summer. You feel so good,” he groaned.
“Fuck me with that huge cock, Bruce,” she moaned in response.
He leaned over and started to rail into her. She cried out and gripped the sheets as he pounded into her, each thrust, pushed her twin bed across the room a little more. “Summer, quiet,” he growled, spanking her ass.
“Feels so good,” she mewled. “You’re gonna have to gag me.”
He grabbed her panties and shoved them in her mouth to muffle her cries, and she groaned and clenched around him. He picked up his pace, slamming into her and groaning as her cunt massaged his cock. She reached between her legs and rubbed her clit. It made her lose control completely. Her whole body clenched up and she cried out loudly as her cunt spasmed around Bruce’s cock.
“I’m close, Summer,” Bruce moaned. “Where do you want it.”
“Come on my tits, Bruce,” she begged. “Paint me with it.”
Bruce groaned, gritting his teeth as he pulled out. Summer slid off the bed, onto her knees and turned to face him, looking up at him as she squeezed her tits together. He pumped his cock quickly as he looked down at her, completely overcome by lust.
He grunted and released, painting her breasts with hot ropes of come. Summer hummed and ran her fingers through the mess. As he helped her back to her feet she stuck her fingers in her mouth and sucked them clean.
“I can’t believe we just did that,” Bruce said, pulling her into his arms. “With your parents downstairs and right after a Hulk out.”
“I’m a bad girl, Brucie,” she hummed, nuzzling at his neck. “You should punish me next time.”
“Maybe I will, you dirty thing,” Bruce said.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Did you want to get cleaned up and try having lunch with them?”
Bruce nodded. “Yeah. If they’re okay with me being here.”
She looked up at him and frowned a little. “I’m sorry he was like that. You don’t have to see them again if you don’t want to.”
He held her close to him. “No, Summer. I love you so much. I would spend every day with them if it meant I could be with you.”
// NEXT
#brucebannerbingo2019#bruce banner#bruce banner x oc#hulk#hulk fanfic#fanfic#fanfiction#smut#she sets the city on fire#father knows best
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