*grabs you by the face* yes the world around us is often hostile and cruel but they doesn’t mean we have to be. Yes things are so hard and yes things are very bleak, yes changing the systems we have is a massive task that will be incredibly difficult, but before all that please in your everyday life remember to be kind.

Tell someone you love them , give a meal to someone in need, smile at a stranger, acknowledge someone’s hard work.

While these actions won’t save the world they can and often do make a difference to someone, and in a world that is often indifferent and cruel that can mean so much more then you know.

I promise you with all my soul kindness is not a weakness.

Nobody start anything on this post, I refuse to argue over my position on this particular subject I feel so strongly about.

It irks me when people say “the gods don’t love you” as a blanket statement. First off, it completely ignores the fact that many people have romantic relationships with them- but that’s not the main point I want to make cause that’s not the only kind of love I want to talk about.

After my cousin died I was grief stricken for an entire year. During this time I was having a very bad night, and my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing about how traumatic and physically painful his passing was for him. Without even reaching out in prayer, Apollo came to me in a moment to soothe me- I could feel him just holding my head in his lap as I cried. Apollo treated me with pure tenderness and care when he had no reason to in the first place. That was love.

When Hermes came to me, reminding me to please my boy without shame, it was love. Every time he made me laugh, every time a gift was left for me, a trick was pulled, or when he simply wants to be near me- it was and is surrounded with overwhelming love. When trouble hit me on my travels Hermes was there to wrap his arms around me to comfort and remind me that I’m safe.

Even when warning me of danger, or firmly telling me to give myself more credit, Odin does these things out of love. When he came into my life I was so afraid of him- I would shake, cry, fret over not being good enough- but Odin would have none of that and threw all of it aside in his own cryptic way. A while ago I saw a user discussing him on here and mentioned Odin being so tender it hurt- I’ve never been able to get that out of my head because of how true it rings for me. When my mind has completely broken, leaving me unraveled, the mad god has helped me string it back together because he understands what it means to be shattered and alone.

Humanity is intrinsically tied to the divine through storytelling, culture, ritual, through so much. To flat out say the gods don’t love you is such a shallow way to look at the world. If humanity was not loved they wouldn’t be here for us. Love is everything worth fighting for in this universe and I firmly believe it ties humanity to each other, as it ties the religious to the divine. I would not be here if it wasn’t for love. My practice would not have developed over the years if it wasn’t for love.

To say the gods do not love is pessimistic, it’s so shallow, it is blind to the fact that love is woven into every aspect of my religion.

Every day, it feels like I've lost them again

Synopsis: Sam shouts at Zemo for the things he has done. Though Zemo doesn’t show it the words hurt him deeply. Later on the reader finds Zemo and talks to him about his past.

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Bit of angst, Sad Zemo, mentions to his family’s death and his attempted suicide

Author note: I had plans for another Zemo one shot but then I watched a sad Zemo edit which made me cry and here we are

Cross posted on my Ao3 account under the same name

MASTER LIST

The streets seemed silent as you sadly walked home. The only sound was your footsteps dragging along the floor. The silence between all of you was piercing. Today had been an enormous failure, and you all were feeling it weighing down on you. Pushing down your hopes for things to improve. Zemo had somehow found out where the flag smashers would be, from a trusted source, he said, so you all went charging off to talk to them. It was a trap. Zemo didn’t know it was a trap either, though Sam still believed otherwise. You all had barely got out of there safely. It had been close, too close for your liking.

“There’s always tomorrow,” Zemo says, hating the stone cold silence coming from everyone.

“But there’s not,” Sam spits back angrily, “That was the one proper chance we could've had to talk to Kali, and we failed”

“You shouldn’t be so pessimistic,” Zemo argues back, rolling his eyes.

“Pessimistic. Are you for serious, pessimistic,” Sam says shaking his head at Zemo, “You hear this guy I’m the pessimistic one”

“Leave it Sam” Bucky mutters trying to push him along, but Sam refuses.

Sam steps towards Zemo, standing just a few centimeters away from his face, his eyes glaring daggers at him. Zemo stops walking, clenching his jaw and tilting his head to stare back at Sam, not breaking eye contact.

Both you and Bucky glance at each other, not really sure if you should stop this or let it happen.

“You could have led us to our deaths today, Zemo, which I am sure was your intention. You make it clear that you wouldn’t hesitate to see any of us off to our funerals. All because you got butt hurt about the avengers preventing Ultron from destroying the earth at the cost of your country.”

The breath leaves your mouth as the words slip out of Sam’s mouth. Your lips, slightly ajar, turn to look at Sam. He’s breathing heavily, glaring at Zemo. Zemo’s lips curled down into an angry frown and his eyebrows furrowed. You could see his fists curl up, something Bucky must have noticed as well, and he put a hand on Sam’s shoulder to pull him away from Zemo.

“Sam this isn’t the time”

Sam finally gives in and pulls back, but Zemo steps forward, grabbing onto his jacket. Bucky reaches for his gun, but Zemo waves his hand at him, motioning him not to.

“You don’t know the first thing about me, Sam.” is all he says, letting go of Sam’s jacket roughly and storming off.

It would be hours later till you saw him again. During that time your mind was often thinking back to Zemo. When you really thought about it, you realised you knew nothing about him. Heck, until recently you didn’t know he was a Baron. All you had been told was that he was a Sokovian who wanted to split the avengers up because of what they did to his country. Being a Baron, you supposed that made it more personal for him. Still, it felt like something was missing. Something didn’t add up.

You laid in one of the many guest rooms tossing and turning while all these thoughts flooded your mind. Eventually you gave up on the idea of ever getting sleep tonight and got up. If you weren’t sleeping, you might as well get some midnight snacks. Heading into the main room, you notice the door leading to the back was open, letting a chilly breeze float in.

Heading over to check it out, your eyes lie upon Zemo sitting on top of a fallen over tree trunk in the back patio, looking up at the night sky. His coat was wrapped around him to keep him warm, and his face was expressionless as he looked up to the night sky that was scattered with the stars. He hadn’t noticed you staring at him, his mind was far from where his body was.

After a few moments of just staring at him, you broke the silence, “Zemo?”

His head instantly snapped to you, surprised to have been caught unaware.

“Oh, hello y/n, can’t sleep?”

You shake your head, taking his question as an invitation to go over and sit next to him, “No, to many thoughts in my mind to go to sleep”

“Ah, a common problem for an insomniac”

“I assume you have similar reasons, since you are out hear”

He looks away from you, smiling weakly at the floor, “Yes something like that, sleep comes rarely to me”

Your eyes flutter down to the ground, not really sure what to say, “I’m sorry to hear that” you whisper

You both sit there in silence for a few minutes. It wasn’t an awkward silence like what you were used to. No. It was a comfortable silence. You were both thankful just to have someone beside you at that moment. You shudder slightly as the wind picks up, making the hairs on your arm stand up. Zemo notices and slowly shrugs off his coat, placing it around you. You smile politely up at him in thanks.

“May I ask what your thoughts were?” Zemo asks gently, glancing back over to you

“You probably think it was about our failure, right?” you say and Zemo nods his head slightly

“They weren’t, actually. I didn’t suspect us to accomplish anything. It seemed to good to be true. No, I was thinking about what happened after. Between you and Sam”

Zemo’s face instantly shifted, his mouth pulling into a frown and his eyebrows furrowing, “Ah” is all he says

“What Sam said was way out of line. I can’t understand the pain you must feel about losing Sokovia”

Zemo hums to let you know he heard but doesn’t say anymore, his gaze just returns to the sky.

You didn’t want to push him too far. Over this time you had gotten to know him and almost considered him a friend, but you couldn’t help but be curious. You wanted to know more about him.

“But there’s more isn’t there. Something we don’t know,” you say gently

You can see him swallow and his fingers dig into his palms as he tenses at your question.

After a moment he finally responds, “Yes, you’re right. I... I had a family who died that day. My father, wife and child. I told them to go out of the city to the countryside. That was where my father lived, you see. I had to stay behind as I was a part of this Sokovian kill squad. Even as royalty, I still had duties. I had faith in the avengers. They would sort everything out. But they didn’t. When the battle was one they just returned home, leaving us with the hard task of finding all the dead. I assumed my family would be safe, yet it took me two days after to find their bodies.”

Your body gets overwhelmed with coldness as you hear his story. The memories of the battle flooded your mind and you could feel a bitterness creep into your mouth. You could have stayed behind to help. Why didn’t you? Your eyes water slightly as you sympathise with him and feel the guilt lie on your soul.

“Oh god Zemo, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked,” you are quick to respond

“No...it’s okay. If I didn’t want to tell you, I wouldn’t have said anything”

You look up to the night sky and reflect over his words. All the pain that Zemo must feel, holding onto, and you did not know. None of you did. You were sure if Sam knew he wouldn’t have said the things he did. You knew what Zemo did was wrong, but damn you couldn’t help but empathise with him.

“If you want…” you start, hoping what you were choosing to ask wouldn’t be going too far, “would you like to tell me about them?”

Zemo finally looks away from the sky, his eyes looking to the ground. He swallows again, slightly sniffing before speaking.

“My Son, Carl, he was four when he... when he died. He always did this cute thing where if he didn’t like the food on his plate he would pretend he was gifting the food to you to show his love for you”

You chuckle slightly thinking about it, “That does sounds cute”

“He was the most precious thing in existence. He always wanted a sibling like his friends had. He loved the idea of being an older brother. Every morning when the mail arrived, he asked if he had a brother or sister delivered to him. Me and my wife… we were planning on having more kids. We knew he would've made the best big brother. We hoped for a girl, you know, to even things out”

“What was she like?”

“She was so beautiful. Like the goddess Venus. Many men tried to win her affection, but she settled for me. I had never felt like a luckier man. She was so kind, so generous, so loving. My perfect angel”

The tears that had been threatening to fall from Zemo’s eyes broke the dam and fell down his cheeks.

“If I could, I would give up everything I have, everything I own just to hold them in my arms again”

A sob breaks out of him and he holds his hand up to his mouth as his eyes crinkle up as more tears fall. He tries to wipe them away, but he can’t stop crying. You put your arm around him and pull him into a hug which he gladly accepts. He wraps his arms around you and buries his head into your shoulder as he sobs.

“I miss them so much”

You say nothing, just rub your hand on his back reassuringly. He takes a few minutes before he speaks again.

“I tried to end my life after I completed my revenge. So I didn’t have to live another day without them. But I failed. I spent the next seven years without them. And everyday it feels like I’ve lost them again,”

“What do you plan to do… after we have finished here?”

You can feel Zemo’s body tenses in your arms as you ask that question, “I think you know, y/n”

You pull back from him to look into his blood-shot eyes. “Zemo, I know this is so very hard for you, but please don’t. I know with your wit and cunning you can think of a way to escape all of this safely. I will not pretend to know your wife, but if she is anything like what you have told me about, I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to either. She would want you to find some happiness in life,”

Zemo finally moves away from you, standing up off the tree log and taking one last look at the sky before then looking back at you. He’d stopped crying by now but the tear stained cheek and dark under eyes were evidence of what had just occurred. The side of his lip tried to twitch up into a slight smile but it faltered,

“Thank you, y/n”

Taglist: @multiyfandomgirl40 @ineffablebean @freyjasamael @avgravy @jayxkelsi @huntheimpossible @checkurwindow @there-goes-thefighter @bunniwritesx @montypythonsholysnail @yallgotkik

Nancy Drew 2x9

Thoughts While Watching

Spoiler Alert!!

Aw no poor bess. AW PLATANCHOR ACE! Oh besties so cute. Poor bess oh no

Odette coming through with the pessimistic vibes about the day. Me. Always. “Nickolas” HAHAH Odette please. She’s so sassy. “No I’m not au-revoiring, you are.” Nick pls. GEORGES TATTOOS- George is gonna die omfg. Pls Nick is the only logical one here. OF COURSE IT WAS GONNA GET STOLEN YOU PUT IT IN YOUR DAMN LOCKER.

oh it’s probably Gil, not Grant. Sorry I thought you were a murderer grant. NOT THE PIE. why’d ace sound so sad about the pie. TELL ME STONER BOY DIDNT SNITCH.

AW ACE THE LIL FLOWER. “Aw Ace I’m so happy for you :) now I’m gonna die :)”. I think that Grant is an informant or something.

Sassy thief bad boy, I like. But I also don’t bc he’s tryna kill george. PROTECTIVE NICK! Detective Nick 😏. OH ACEMANDA, okay. Ohh

Okay wait I kinda feel bad for Gil. But mans is still going to end george. Oh Nick is v hot okay. Protective Nick. I love him. And Gil is kinda noble despite the whole killing george and theft thing ngl.

Carson coming thru. Of course, king Carson thanks babe. “Ok can GEORGE weigh in?” Pls george you’re funny.

BESS OMG WHAT R THOSE? TONGS? Carson and Bess moment funny. “Are you alright?” He sounds so fine with it but also so concerned. AW CARSON FATHERING BESS TOO PLS I LOVE HIM. The Drew Crew is now Carson’s Crew Of Baby Ducks.

Okay I mean at least Amanda didn’t spill. She’s so pretty too!!! Okay but I kinda like the bobseys ngl. Sorry guys. Gil is also very hot. I bet their mom either isn’t dead or is gonna show up as a ghost?? Okay but I feel bad for them no. Oh do I smell an Acemanda scavenger hunt?

NO NO NO NOT THE FANSON FIGHT. AW NO PLS I LOVE THEM. HES PROPOSING?! Oh no nvm. DO NOT BREAK UP. DO NOT. Fanson scavenger hunt?

Oh is that b dead? No nvm they’re still breathing. OH GIL JUST DIPPED. Patience impaired- MOOD. OH THAT WAS HOT “wasn’t this more fun than picking a lock” WOAH THERE BUCKO. YEAH BUT WOAH.

“Am I crying too loud” BESS IS A MOOD. Aww Carson is trying to distract her, please omg. Dad Carson is so cute. LAWYER BESS, LAWYER BESS.

Oh that’s creepy. NOT A BASEMENT- NANCY UR DUMB. OH THAT WAS SO FUCKING SCARY WHYD THIS PRINCE PHILLIP LOOKING MF JUMP LIKE THAT- NOT THE BASEMENT. fake wall? Yeah Gil break down that wall. OH GOD IS THAT HIS MOM?

HE STASHES THINGS BESIDE THE POLICE STATION- WHAT?! I love that. Acemanda could be cute though? Maybe? Idk I need to decide if I can share.

ODETTE IS BACK. Nick is so over it. WHY IS SHE SO SALTY ABT BEING STUCK IN GEORGE LMFAO. PLS “granite, limestone. Be done with it” ODETTE I CANT. She’s outta pocket. “Oh, well. Odette called me an idiot.” PLS NICK AND ODETTE ARE SO FUNNY.

Oh it’s just drawings, I thought it was a body. Poor Gil :( wait I actually feel bad. Ok I’m here for Gil but he’s pissing me off with this whole shroud thing. DONT KILL GEORGE, U HOE. Mommy’s ghost is boutta show up. NO WAIT WHAT IF SHE WAS KILLED BY A GHOST. she totally was. HAHA nancy got caught. I laugh but that was awkward.

KILLED BY GHOST, OBVIOUSLY. “We’ve heard great things about your restrooms.” PLS. Ace knowing nothing about art. NANCY ITS UNKOWN THEYRE OBVS NOT GONNA HAVE THE NAME.

Dad Carson aw. Pls besties Bess and Carson. AWWW THERE WASNT EVEN A HEARING. Carson should just adopt the entire Drew Crew. LAWYER BESS! LAWYER BESS! I WANT LAWYER BESS! Dad Carson please adopt me too. REASSURANCE. I LOVE.

“Technically they sold it to nick” “What?” PLS NICK/ACE IS SO FUNNY TO ME. besties are so funny. SHES NOT DEAD I TOLD YALL SHES NOT DEAD. IF GEORGE DIES I WILL RIOT.

GIL YOU NEED TO CHILL. SIR. PLEASE DO NOT DO IT. DONT DO IT. Oop Nancy is already there. SHES STILL ALIVE I TOLD YOU GUYS. please poor Gil. Aw, I feel so bad. She was definitely actually being haunted, but I digress. No please poor Amanda. “Why would she tell you but not me?” HIS VOICE GOT SO SMALL. TWIN MOMENT. okay but Amanda coming thru for the Drew Crew. WOOHOO GIL REDEMPTION!

“Cheer up Boss.” IF BESS DOESNT KEEP CALLING NICK BOSS ILL BE UPSET. “There’s still an old timey French lady living in my girlfriend.” AW OMG. ODETTE NO-

GEORGE NO. NONONO. oh thank god nick and Bess got there. Bess coming through with the lawyering. Nice. Bess crashing and burning here. “If you do this to george I wont have to imagine it. George deserves to live.” NICK- FANSON- CRYING. CRYING. OMFG HE LOVES HER. NICK I LOVE YOU. FANSON. HUG HUG HUG SWEET CUTE WOW. tag yourself, I’m bess crying in the background.

Nancy and Ace- “says the guy dating his twin sister” HE GAVE HER HIS HOODIE. I AM JEALOUS NGL. I’m very immersed in this, don’t Judge me. NOT THE BANANA CREAM PIE, NANCY PLS. oh they’re holding hands???

Acemanda on the boardwalk, the writers are stealing my ideas, smh. See: The Dumpster Fire I Call Life (linked below) OMG “I only need one” THAT WAS VERY CUTE AND I HATE IT. PLS STOP. JEALOUSY. CUE MR. BRIGHTSIDE- TPAIN SANS LE T- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. ITS HIS BROTHER?! DO I SMELL FRANK HARDY?

Sister’s Thoughts:

“Why is Ace dressed like a fifth grader?” (It was the blue jacket with the green zipper that made her think that lmao)

“I’m just me, without any secrets,” Carson said.

“Except for your secret boyfriend.” My sister is the number one Caryan shipper.

“Aw Nick is the ghost possessing your girlfriend bullying you? Poor muffin.”

DUMPSTER FIRE FIC LINK:

hello! i don't know anything about your OC's, but i saw your post. could you perhaps list all of them with a short summary? 🙏🏻💕

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry this took so long to answer. I moved house and it was A Lot. My OCs are legion so for the sake of everyone else’s dashes I’m putting this under a read more

These are just for the clone wars era I’m leaving the rebels out of it

Thanks for asking!! Feel free to ask about anyone if you want to know more.

fair warning this is long af

I’m splitting it into sections to make this easier

Heretics

Jedi

Bela Rant

Togruta Jedi Master and mother Master of four Padawans children. Not a favourite of the Council due to differences in interpretation of the Code. Had an ongoing feud with Qui Gon Jinn that lasted until he died. She died in the war ten years later and Col took over her command.

Alask Racor

Grumpy Twi’lek first Padawan of Bela, had two Padawans of his own but was killed by pirates before the second was knighted.

Reya Meraska

Alask’s first Padawan. A human from Jedha and compassion incarnate. Had an uneventful apprenticeship and grew up to be comparatively quiet compared to the rest.

Ben Edo

Reya’s first and so far only Padawan. The model of a perfect Jedi except for thinking their interpretation of the Code is bullshit. Would have made one hell of a politician if he could stand the Senate. From Dantooine.

Tol Koden

Alask’s second Padawan, a very polite Zabrak. Alask died when he was 17 and Jos took over his training. He and Ben are the same age and were raised basically together.

Jos Vel

Stubborn and opinionated Kiffar. Bela’s second Padawan. Had her own (equally stubborn and opinionated) Padawan and then took over Tol’s training when Alask died.

Harlan Konshi

Jos’s Padawan. Also a Kiffar. Would also make a fine politician because being raised by Jos taught him to argue. He’s a bit of a jackass but in a charming way. Like, he’s a prick but you still like him.

Azaana Tyl

Harlan’s sweet, quiet, shy Togruta Padawan. Jos laughed so hard when she heard about that. Harlan is trying to teach her self-confidence. The baby of the family.

Col Blackmoor

Bela’s third and most disastrous Padawan. The former Temple Problem Child (now Temple Problem Adult). Not that he spends much time in the Temple. Was so far out on the Outer Rim he didn’t find out there was a war on until he had to come back and take over Bela’s legion. The worst case of ADHD the Temple has ever seen.

Lena Sola

Col took her in after an incident with her former Master almost saw her kicked out of the Order. Col intervened. She’s still uncomfortable around most Jedi, but they’re working on it. Sweet kid. Kage.

Aden Jadus

Bela’s final Padawan, knighted just before Geonosis. Yes, she’s from Tatooine. No, that does not mean she knows Skywalker. Stop asking.

Not-Jedi

Vale

The oldest of the bunch, Reya’s Commander. Has enough Big Dad Energy to build a deck at 20 paces. Meat grills in his presence and the shinies all fear his disappointed frown.

Nill

Jos’s Commander. Deeply claustrophobic. A nice, likeable guy unless you piss him off. Caffeine demon.

Jax

Clone Commander and Col Wrangler in Chief, Col regards his Commander with barely disguised awe. He considers him his closest friend. For his part, Jax thinks similarly highly of Col. He likes to draw when he gets spare time (rarely). Grew up with Sonny and Cody. Very protective of Lena.

Crater

Professional Ray of Sunshine, the exact opposite of his twin. Crater and Crash grew up with Wolffe. Crater was assigned to Ben, and he likes his General, really, but the man never sleeps. It’s starting to stress him out.

Click

Professional Salt Mine assigned to the Galaxy’s Politest Jedi because apparently the GAR runs on irony. Makes Wolffe look like a ray of happy, happy sunshine.

Pip

The perpetual optimist to Aden’s incredible pessimist. Remains stubbornly cheerful by choice, because if he doesn’t laugh he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop crying.

Dexter

Professional Grouchy Bastard. Likes Harlan well enough but will absolutely tell him he’s full of shit. If Azaana likes you, Dexter will tolerate your existence. If you make Azaana sad they will never find your body. A training accident left him with scars and a deep growl in his voice that makes him sound angrier than he is.

Stitch

Col’s CMO and the only person Jax legitimately fears. Deeply wishes his siblings and General would get injured less and look after themselves more. Is willing to enforce this with sedatives.

Zip

The Right Hand of God (Stitch’s second in command). He who wields the big needles.

Layne

Cheerful but stressed Captain of a company of reckless idiots who really should know better but apparently don’t. He should be used to it. He grew up with Rex.

Trip and Tap

Two survivors of Krell reassigned to Col. Tap has a nervous habit of tapping his fingers. Trip can trip over thin air.

Jazz, Snap and Void

A trio. Jazz likes to wander off. Void likes to hide. Snap likes to complain they’re giving him grey hair from the stress of having them disappearing all the time.

Ray and Rico

The product of an embryo that split, Ray and Rico lived in fear of being culled as defects on Kamino. They’ve since left Kamino, but the fear hasn’t left them.

Lys

A tired medic who would like Dexter to drink something that isn’t caf please.

Tyke

The medic with the most agreeable Jedi (Tol). He barely has to bully him into seeking medical attention at all. Such a shame that his Commander seems determined to make up for it by being a complete bastard. If Click wants to get tackled in the hallway, that’s his lookout.

Rill

Has a particular interest in medical research. Or he would if he ever had the time. 

Corrie

The youngest CMO in the GAR. Just barely 18, only on the field for six months and never meant to be CMO at all. But she’s the only medic Pip’s got left after that clusterfuck, so they’re all doing their best. She might be young but she will absolutely yell at a commander you see if she doesn’t.

New Dawn Crew

Not-Clones

Mira Vin 

A female Kiffar former Jedi whose Master died on Geonosis. The Council were going to knight her and make her a General, so she told Windu to stick it up his ass and ran away to the Outer Rim to harass slavers and save “defective” clones.

Kell Vekarr

An Alderaanian former Jedi who was rescued from slavers as a child. Finally took the 20 remaining members of his command and ran when the rest were killed over Ando. Jaster’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Jaster Toran

True Mandalorian bounty hunter who was betrayed by a client and sold into slavery. Joined the crew upon his rescue four years later. Kell’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Riye Toran

Jaster’s older sister who joined the crew to look for him and then stuck around because she liked it there.

Volya’tar

Twi’lek former slave who freed herself and stole a ship. Pilot, mechanic and Mira’s best friend.

Pash Colton

Dyspraxic dyslexic Corellian with more brains than sense. An engineering genius who has wisdom as his dump stat. Also sometimes a smuggler.

Jaina Bell

Tiny and terrifying. Orphaned at a young age and grew up to be a smuggler, mechanic and pilot.

Ela

Nonbinary Lorrdian. Has a long horrendous Lorrdian name they never use. Joined the crew because slavers suck and anything that makes their lives difficult is a good thing. Stuck around for the people.

Black Company

Halcyon

An ARC Captain known for his green hair and endless patience. Considers Kell a close friend but calls him Commander regardless. Used to fight Rex a lot as a kid. Please let this man rest.

Bones

Halcyon’s batchmate and Black Company’s CMO. A cranky bugger, but that’s understandable considering what he deals with daily.

Pax

The peacemaker between his idiot brothers and everyone else for as long as they can remember. A chill guy, but even chill guys have limits.

Tracyn and Carud

Two of the Nightmare Children. Their names are fire and smoke and they cause a lot of both, raising Pax’s blood pressure and driving Bones into apoplectic rage.

Isa

Jaro’s long suffering sister. Usually has to track him down to make him go to sleep. Has a weekly commiseration session with Ari (alcohol optional but recommended).

Jaro

Named for the Mando’a word for reckless and boy howdy is it accurate. The ADHD doesn’t help.

Ari

Rio’s batchmate and she loves her brother dearly but she is so done with his shit.

Rio

The last of the original Nightmare Children, ADHD disaster and source of most of Bones’s workload.

Kee and Jam

Nonbinary comms officers who bicker very cheerfully. Usually with each other. Often at high volume through the halls of the ship.

Torin

Gay artist baby.

Kol

Gay artist bastard.

Charly

Honestly he’s just here for a laugh and his brothers respect him for it. You’ve got to find your joy where you can get it these days.

Dys

Takes great delight in moving Set’s things just a couple of centimetres. Just enough to annoy him. Will deck anyone else who tries the same thing.

Set

Also known as Corporal Square Corners. Everything has to be neat and tidy. He was a godsend before inspections. Now he’s just the reason people have somewhere to sit.

Slip

Known for giving his trainers the slip and disappearing into the bowels of Kamino when they were doing training exercises he didn’t like and then getting stuck and having to be retrieved by Chase.

Chase

More like chase-ing his brother through the halls of Kamino to keep him out of trouble. There’s a running joke that he should have ended up in search and rescue.

Bright

Was he named for his bright red hair or as an ironic comment on his general outlook on life? Who knows? Not him. A pessimist if there ever was one.

Impulse

Full name Have-You-Ever-Heard-Of-Impulse-Control and no, he hasn’t.

Cuyan Squad

Sonny

A naturally blond, autistic, Force-sensitive Commander who survived Kamino by the skin of his teeth. Grew up with Cody and Jax. Hyper efficient Can, will and has broken people’s faces for saying shit about the Coruscant Guard.

Zak

Force-sensitive Captain who despises soup and has incredible claustrophobia. Good with kids though. Autistic.

Ru

Force-sensitive autistic Lieutenant. Quieter than Zak, and fully supports his vendetta against soup. Has his own vendetta against food that stabs you in the mouth.

Bang

Force-sensitive bomb-tech. Partially deafened in an explosion which also gave him some pretty intense scarring. Gets nervous when he can’t see people behind him.

Bit

Force-sensitive techie with a penchant for weapons modification and data slicing. Gives the best hugs in the squad.

Tink

If it’s broken Tink can fix it. The resident ADHD Force-sensitive techie. Has a tendency to hyperfocus on projects to the exclusion of all else.

Flow

De facto squad medic because he’s the best at Force-healing of the lot of them. He does not appreciate this, this is not what he trained for, you’re voiding his warranty, vode please. Dyed his hair purple because he could.

Edge

Thrill seeker with electric blue hair and boundless energy. The ADHD doesn’t help with the fidgeting, but he likes to go fast so Force-augmented speed is pretty great.

Ry and Cas

True twins born from the same tube, they’re the Fred and George Weasley of clones. They’ve got the red hair and everything. Judicious use of the Force makes pranks far easier.

Other

Caj, Chess and Blade

The brothers in charge of the homebrew alcohol. The taste is a work in progress, but the last batch didn’t make anyone go blind.

Rictor and Sike

Survivors of Krell who deal with their trauma in very different ways. Rictor is terrified of authority in case they turn out like Krell. Sike figures if he survived that he can survive anything and mouths off constantly.

Kano and Oly

Batchmates who were reconditioned separately (for nightmares and injury, respectively) and reunited upon Kano’s rescue. Oly had been with the crew for months by then. They both cried.

Sitrep, Conn and Sig

Three more nonbinary comms officers. A cheerful bunch who like to argue. Usually with each other. The problems started when they started arguing with their General.

Aran, Orar and Tay

Three heavy gunners who fight TJ a lot because the little twerp is asking for it (literally). Tay is relentlessly cheerful, Aran the exact opposite, and you’re lucky to get three words out of Orar in a row.

Ani, Mirdir and Dajun

Techies and mechanics who prefer wires to people. Mirdir and Dajun have known each other since birth and bicker a lot. Ani mostly ignores them.

Dane

A captain who finally snapped and told his General where he could stick his suicidal orders.

Sprint

Full name Slow-Down-There’s-No-Need-To-Sprint, a six foot ball of energy and barely contained enthusiasm. Usually found hurtling around the place at ludicrous speeds.

Crash

An anxious, autistic pilot who has never crashed his ship. He has, however, crashed himself into doors, siblings, training sergeants.

Rainer

A really chill guy who got shipped off for being too violent after a misunderstanding about a sparring match. TJ’s favourite sparring partner.

TJ

Likes to fight, does not care if his opponent could physically snap him in half. Sometimes he just has to beat his brain into submission via getting the crap beaten out of his body. Usually succeeds in provoking the heavy gunners into fighting him.

Zero

TJ’s perpetually worried brother. Really wishes TJ would chill. Dyslexic and has a recurring leg injury that won’t heal. Gets bored easily.

Brook and Storm

A pair of total nerds who get so engrossed in arguing that they don’t realise they’re about to walk into a tree. Frequently wander off and have to be returned.

Jai, Tala, Teek, Niko and Galaar

Five ARCs who got sent back to Kamino for telling their General to go kriff himself. Jai is Force-sensitive. Galaar is just a prick with a terrible sense of humour.

Miasma

Setting: Renaissance Venice (1630-31)

Pairing: Namjoon x reader

TW: Graphic Descriptions, obsessive/ yandere behaviour

A/N: I’m so happy to have had to opportunity to work with the wonderful @jooniescupcakes​ on this fic in anticipation of our amazing leader Namjoon’s birthday! Please check out the version of this fic posted on her blog��which has an exciting alternate ending!

The humid air of the mid-evening provided a somewhat pleasant stroll. It would have been serene, if not for the desperate cries of people fighting against soldiers. Their screams of mercy at Namjoon were ill-received, as he instead chose to avert his gaze, to see how the Venetian water rippled. He couldn’t bear to face these people, to answer as to why they weren’t going to survive. Prayers, smoking, even infecting oneself with Syphilis. Every cure people had dreamt up were based on fallacious dreams. And Namjoon hated to associate himself with such disparity, hated to see those at the lowest in society doomed to a horrific fate.

No one had thought so many would be lost once again when the plague that had last reared its ugly head centuries returned once again to Italy, causing mass panic in Milan the previous year before reaching Venice and letting Namjoon bear witness to the curse.

Yet instead of facing the hopeless souls, Namjoon tried to distract himself with the more optimistic side of things. The patients that he was about to visit had reportedly not experienced any major symptoms of the plague. Yet as he reached the entrance of the quaint ‘house’ crammed into the rest of the neighbourhood and simply reeking of poverty, there was still a feeling of dread in his stomach, that he wouldn’t be able to cure them.

Brushing all pessimistic thoughts aside he reached out and rapped on the door twice, his greeting being met with a cough and the scurrying of feet.

“Oh! Dottore! Please, come in.” A worn-out voice accompanied the face of a woman that was anything but.

“Buona sera. What seems to be the problem?” Namjoon ducked under the entrance of the shabby accommodation as he spoke, surveying the surroundings with an ever-keen eye.

“It’s… papa was spitting blood today. I was worried something was wrong.” The woman explained, leading the doctor through the cramped room into an adjacent room, occupied by a middle-aged woman dabbing at the forehead of a bed-ridden man with a filthy towel. A sight of great pity, an illustration of suffering.

“Has he experienced any other symptoms?” Namjoon went to place his surgical bag on the floor but had second thoughts upon seeing the blood and spit dotted around, instead cautiously placing it on the stained sheets with a grimace. There was no doubt this family’s living conditions were integral to the patriarch’s illness, but alas Namjoon was a doctor, not a charity.

“He’s got an awful fever, dottore.” The woman sat by the bed replied, still stroking her husband’s face to no avail.

“I see. May you two please leave the room, I need to examine him.” Both women observing the scene left the room, not before glancing back at their sick patriarch and the masked stranger ready to decide their fate.

“Can you stand up? I need to examine for any other symptoms.” The wheezes and grunts of the pauper sitting up in his bed were not a good sign. But what was far worse was the sight of a buboe on his neck, previously hidden by the tattered blanket but now in plain sight for Namjoon to see. And it was not a pretty sight.

Even as Namjoon approached and used his gloved hands to tilt the chin up so he had a better view, the truth was clear. He’d caught the plague, and he was going to die in a matter of days.

“For now, rest and some herbal incense is the best road to recovery.” was all advice the doctor could give. He’d never seen such things curing the victims, but it was the most relief he could give. A placebo, blaming the bad air for the disease when there was most definitely something more to it.

He left the room with a horrible feeling in his stomach, the truth a heavyweight on his tongue.

As soon as he stepped into the kitchen, the older woman instantly standing up and letting her chair fall onto the floor as she rushed to attend to her husband.

Namjoon took the opportunity to seat himself at the table.

“I have some bad news about your father, Signorina...?” He trailed off, realising that in his drowsy arrival he’d never learnt his patient’s name.

“Y/N. What’s a wrong doctor? Please tell me it’s just the flu or-”

“I’m afraid it’s a lot worse.” Namjoon pulled the rubber mask away from his face, letting himself breathe for a second without such construction on his face. He hated the sick feeling in his stomach from having to break the news, of already knowing this young woman’s fate.

“Your father has… there’s no easy way to say this, but he has the plague, blue sickness, whatever you wish to call it.” The doctor couldn’t even look at her face in shame. “The best you can do is pray that God has a place for you in heaven.”

“Wait, What?” All at once, the barriers broke and tears started falling from (Y/N)’s eyes.

“I’m very sorry. I must be on my way.” Scraping back the chair, Namjoon stood up to take his leave, to report the case and to find some devil’s drink to cure his mind of guilt but was held back as Y/N desperately took ahold of one of his hands.

“I’ve heard the screams of the people, dottore. Being trapped like rats or burnt alive isn’t fair. Please, you can’t do this to us!” The young woman searched for sympathy in any inch of his exposed face, finding his deep expresso-coloured eyes and giving him a pleading stare.

Namjoon felt like at that moment, refusing to do something would kill him. With how Y/N hung onto him like a lifeline, as she begged for him to save her from death, he found himself opening his mouth once again.

“It would… I don’t know if I can do that. If I don’t report it, you could spread the plague through your entire neighbourhood. We have to quarantine, it’s only what’s right for the people.”

“Since when did you rich people ever give a damn about ‘the people’?” There was a strange sense of familiarity in seeing Y/N sniffing as she spoke and the emotion behind her words, something that the doctor couldn’t quite place his finger on. Regardless of his strange nostalgia, he felt some strong feeling stir in his chest for change. He truly felt that he couldn’t just sit back and let this poor girl die.

“I… I know this is unorthodox but I could get you out of here. I’ll pay for a carriage and you can go to a better place in the country.” There was still some gnawing part of his conscience begging him to do more, but he pushed it down.

“And my family? Will there be help for papa in another city?” It was as if a light had been lit inside Y/N’s eyes and the strange feeling of nostalgia crept up on Namjoon, almost like deja vu.

But her hope was not long-lasting.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that. He’d die on the journey, and there’s a high chance he’d die on the journey. The only way for you to guarantee your survival is leaving, and letting fate take its course.”

“But there must be something you can do! Some cure, some treatment you must have heard of, we’ll do anything. If you’re worried about the money...I’ll find a way to get it. Please, please help him.” Namjoon quietly watched the female plead, wondering how to appease her.

“I’ll see what I can do. There’s no guarantee for his life, I won’t promise you anything.” With a short and tense farewell, he slips on his mask and leaves the shaky house.

Namjoon looked up at the dark night sky, the twinkling stars laughing down at him at them, at all the people of Venice. Who else was looking at the same sky? How many were crying under the black blanket, which provided no warmth or comfort, as yet another loved one fell? The world saw this sight, but only Venice suffered so much under it.

If he kept staring at the warm glow of the full moon, maybe the cries would stop echoing. How long were they to suffer?

Then, his mind wandered to other things. The young woman, whose father he had just visited. It was understandable as to why she wanted him to keep quiet, but was it foolish of him to have surrendered? He had been hit with a wave of something, depressing but familiar, as he watched her pretty eyes. He struggled, even with all his knowledge, to put a name for it, and diagnose it.

He could, no, he should tell the authorities about her father, as it would prevent the spread of the plague. But this secret arrangement could also benefit him, it could be a way for him to experiment and possibly find some cure for this devastating problem.

He noticed his mansion on the horizon and picked up his pace, secretly eager to get home. The tiring job of trying to help people, only to watch them die, exhausted him and upset him. What was the point of being a doctor that could only give empty promises and bring news of death?

Unlike the streets he had just left, he lived in a cleaner and more quiet part of the city. Everyone here was swimming in money, but that didn’t make them any less of a target to the fatal and consuming plague. Many of the children stare from their windows, his large and strange mask attracting curious gazes and hushed whispers.

He had watched many people die, captured by the officials and burnt alive or, if they were too slow, the plague finished them off first. Namjoon had gotten used to the feeling of sadness, anger and disappointment, at this point, after all the deaths he had supervised, it was numb, part of a mundane routine. The thought of the young girl, looking at him like he owned the world like he could change fate, brought back these long-buried feelings in an unprecedented crashing wave, along with something else, unidentified.

———————————————————————

It was another messy evening, the blank sky ignorant to the screams and cries below. All the days blended together with the same sight, the same words, the same end. Namjoon was walking down the familiar path he took just a day ago, equipped with a new idea and a stronger determination. However, there was no certainty for success.

He walked up to the run-down house, glancing over the cracks he had missed in his rush during his last visit. He eyes the cracking paint and dirty windows, the tattered curtains not doing much to shield the inside. He slowly stepped up to the old, wooden door, sharply rapping at it thrice. He waited for a second, and the door swings open, the delicate female mumbling a small welcome with worry evident in her face.

“I...thought of something...to help with the buboes,” he glanced over to see her perked up, watching him intently, “it might not work, and it will surely hurt like hell, but its the best I have"

He curiously observed her changing emotions, happiness at first, hope glimmering in those twinkling eyes, mouth trembling, then disappointment, gravity tugging at the corners of her lush lips, eyes downcast. Finally, the last shine of determination, stronger than the soldiers lining up on the streets, brighter than the shine of the glaring sun.

It was that burning determination that made him remember.

Remember when he first fell in love with the sweet, pretty girl from his childhood.

The sharp jab of the nostalgia, the sudden waves of memories crashing against his confused mind, it was all confirmed when he caught sight of a small toy. It was old, blue and green patches on it, once bright, vibrant coats of fresh paint. It was a small dollhouse, although not in good condition, he noticed the shiny symbol, a logo of the best carpenter in the country. The door to the expensive creation was slightly open allowing little light and peeping eyes through, though it was not furnished. Maybe the fragile pieces had gotten lost over time, but the overall image was still obvious.

He bought that dollhouse, he gifted it to someone, his first love. It was a one-of-its-kind house, unique as every individual star. And it was expensive. Far too expensive for a family like this to even dream about. When he looked back at the female, lost in her own thoughts, he found himself observing her features; the familiar curve of her nose, the shape of her eyes, the plush lips.

Everything came back to him.

Those memories from years ago, when they were both ignorant, young and in bliss. Nothing mattered except themselves. He never knew how much her family struggled to put food on the table, and he never understood why she kept trying to return the gift. When he offered to get her a different house, she refused frustratedly, breaking into tears.

His parents had to explain to him what she was too embarrassed to say; that she wasn't as rich as them. She was poor, living at the bottom of the city's trash, and that was why she always wore the same dresses, and why she never had any toys.

Her family couldn't afford any luxuries. In short; they were completely and extremely different to everyone but themselves. He was born into a prestigious family, money raining down on him, and she had to crawl past scraps to survive.

Namjoon was appalled at the truth. He was angry that he couldn't figure it out by the subtle words and the obvious visuals. He didn't realize how much money, or the lack of it, affected them and their relationship. No matter what, society, with its cruel and cold hands, ripped them apart and forced them to stay away, each succumbing to their fate, only having the memories to hold on to.

"Y/N?" Namjoon forces out.

The female looks confused. Why did he suddenly call her name? And why did he look so shocked?

Inside, a cry of pain shatters the moment, and once again, Namjoon is forced to remember what he is here for. The patient, her father.

“I- maybe you should see my papa first,” she mumbles, gesturing towards the door, “thank you for coming again, dottore.”

Namjoon is once again escorted into the bleak, cramped room, a pungent odour drifting in the room. The closed window indicated that it came from within the room itself, though the doctor didn’t want to find its origin. The condition in which the patient, whose health was as fragile as a thin piece of thread, was terrible. He carefully navigated through the cluttered room, placing his bag with care onto the sheets, stained with yet another unknown symptom.

“I have come with a possible solution,” he spoke slowly, watching the way the older man coughed, scrambling to sit up, “but it will hurt, and it will not be a pleasant sight. If you wish to be cured, then sit quietly and bear the pain.”

“Y/N,” the man calls, waiting for the young woman to come running, “hold his legs tight, and do not let him go. I fear that in his painful struggle, he might strike me.”

She nods, holding onto her father’s scrawny limbs tightly. They watched silently as the doctor reached into his bag to pull out a needle, and a matchstick. He lit the small stick with a swift tug of his large hand. He carefully held the needle’s sharp point, letting the hot flames lick it hungrily. After a few moments had passed, he brought it towards the sick man, carefully aiming towards one of the large, nasty buboes, and shooting towards it with impeccable speed. His patient let out a silent cry in pain, tensing his arms more as hs daughter winced at the disgusting splatter of discoloured pus. This action was repeated again a few more times at all the bulging, taunting buboes on his thighs before moving on to the ones on his neck and groin.

The tiring and painful process took a couple of hours, and when it was done, Namjoon felt a sense of rushing relief. He left the room, reminding the patient to have a good rest. Back in the living room, he met Y/N, who was still curious about the earlier incident.

“You...don’t remember?” he asked.

The girl shook her head before offering him a drink in a cup, chipped away at the edges, “what am I supposed to remember?”

“I gave this to you...many years ago,” he carefully picked up the old toy, feeling the layer of dust that had settled on it.

“Namjoon?” Her eyes were wide open, gaping at him as he calmly smiled back, dimples showing.

“I admit, I didn’t think our reunion would be in such an uncanny situation, much less one so drastic. Have you been well?” He wonders what she was thinking about.

“I-things haven’t really changed much,” she says, eyes focused on stirring her drink, “but I see you’ve reached the stars.” her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.

Reached the stars. He knows what she was trying to imply by the line, but he also knew what he wanted to tell her. I reached the stars for you. The words are left unsaid, but the thought of it lingers. After finding out her distraught financial situation, Namjoon had pledged to earn a lot of money and save her from the horrible life she had grown up in, he worked hard to be able to provide for her, and spoil her. However, cruel circumstances had them torn apart.

“I suppose that’s one way to put it. Look, tesoro, I missed you, really, I didn’t think I would ever see you again after what my parents did.” He reached forward to grab her cold hands in his, enveloping the smaller fingers in warmth.

“But you understand why they did it,” she whispers, tugging her hands out of his grasp, “there’s no wa-”

“Who cares what everyone else thinks? There’s always a way. I haven’t forgiven them for what they did, but they certainly paid for it.” A gleam of something flashes in his eyes. Insanity, the female recalls. She remembered Namjoon’s streaks during their childhood. The same look would be in his eyes, and after, a moment of unfiltered feelings, terrifying, maddening actions. Although she couldn’t remember all of it, she did remember a time where he found sickening, sadistic satisfaction in dissecting a live animal. A small, pure creature, he had ripped apart.

“Can we just talk about something else? How long have you been a doctor?” She quickly changes the subject and they go on chatting for hours.

As night falls, the full moon peeks out playfully at the sombre city. Namjoon is walking down the streets, a giddy smile playing on his lips. He’s ecstatic after reconciling with his love. He’s even happier to know she hasn’t changed much, and still possess the same little quirks. The way her eyes light up when talking about something she enjoys, or her nose scrunching in disgust, her animated chatter had sent him to Cloud 9. He knew, that she was still so perfect, just for him. All that was left was to cure his father-in-law and impress him, winning his daughter’s hand in law.

Another joyous chuckle escaped his lips, slowly turning into maddening laughter. 

On the streets of Venice, there was not a more terrifying sound.

Namjoon worked tediously all night to make a cure for his newest patient. Although he had nothing to rely on, he had a theory that cleansing the buboes with a salve would help stop the plague spreading at the least. His salve was made of fresh honey and garlic, pounded and mixed well until it made a smooth paste. The smell was strong and sharp, but it was worth a try.

After packing the salve and putting it in his bag, he once again set off on the familiar path towards the house he had been visiting for the past few days. Seeing the girl greet him at the door made him more inspired to cure the man. He once again warned the man that the paste might sting or burn, before getting Y/N to hold him down again. Slowly, with steady hands, he applied the salve to where the buboes previously used to be.

It was a tiring process, the only sound coming from the whimpers escaping the older man’s mouth. A thin layer of sweat had formed on Namjoon’s forehead, as well as the two other occupants of the room, but with no proper ventilation, it was expected. At the end, he was more than happy to leave the congested room and into the less cluttered living room, where once again, a hot drink was waiting for him.

“Dottore, will he be alright?” the voice came from Y/N’s mother, anxious for his reply, “I can’t promise you anything. The results may take a day to fully show. I will see you then. Buona Sera,” he nodded to both ladies, his gaze lingering on the younger female.

———————————————————————

“Ciao, Namjoon.” The greeting from Y/N’s mother was a heartwarming one. She looked positively uplifted by his presence, hope shining in those starlit eyes that he loved in her daughter.

“Ciao, how are things?” The small abode had started to feel like home once again, as it had in those precious childhood years. Most would call the temperature stifling, made worse by derelict wooden walls, yet there was something comforting and cosy about the house. Maybe it was just knowing that Y/N was in the other room that made him feel so content even in such a bleak setting. Yet simply being there was not enough.

“My husband is well on the road to recovery thanks to you! I don’t know how we could possibly repay you, but rest assured we will find a way.” Namjoon hummed in response as he removed the protective rubber mask, the essential part of his uniform that he hated greatly, from the sickening scent of the herbs hidden in the ‘beak’ to the way it stifled him with heat.

“That’s what I actually came here to discuss. Is he awake?”

“Oh! Yes, yes, he should be.” The matriarch stuttered, feeling some intensity to his words that subconsciously brought shivers down her spine.

The doctor simply turned on his heel and entered the smaller room, immediately catching sight of Y/N by her father’s side. A smile worked itself onto his face seeing how everything was laid out perfectly for his plan to work.

“Signore L/N, I’ve been told you’re making a speedy recovery.” The two occupants of the room finally noticed their visitor, and with the way Y/N looked at him with a smile of joy plastered across her angelic features he was hook, line and sinker.

“Yes, yes.” The patriarch nodded to the best of his ability, giving Namjoon ample view of his neck to see the neatly dressed wounds were still in perfect condition.

“So, would it be possible for us to discuss the payment?” Seeing the discussion unfold, Y/N excused herself to assist her mother with the cooking of a hearty celebratory meal for the family.

Namjoon seated himself on the derelict stool previously occupied by Y/N, clasping his hands together nervously yet also in an intimidating move.

“I am in love with your daughter, signore. She is my everything, my anima gemella. I have loved her for the many years that we were apart, and I will love her for many more.”

“Well? Spit it out cucciollo, what is it you want?” His patient asked some gruffness to his voice.

“I want your daughter’s hand in marriage.” There was silence in the small room. “Living in this part of town is not right for her. If she’s my wife then I will be able to provide anything that she needs to live in luxury. Naturally, I can make sure you as her parents are-”

“No.”

Namjoon’s fist curled in anger as he persisted.

“I can give this family everything. I already have. Marriage is such a little thing to ask for when I’ve saved your life and asked for nothing else in return!”

“But I’m not going to sell my daughter off to be some noble’s plaything.” (Y/N)’s father snarled, using one weak arm to push his back straighter so he could be a more intimidating force against the doctor. “We have more pride than letting you run our lives like a puppet show, cucciollo.”

“You’ll regret this.” Namjoon left these last words hanging in the air as he stormed out, signing a death warrant for the family in his head.

As he snatched his mask up from the table, the two women in the kitchen exchanged nervous glances. The aura their doctor was exerting was simply deadly.

“Did you agree on the-”

“We’ll talk about this soon.” Namjoon’s deep voice almost sounded raspy, worn with emotion. “He isn’t able to cough up right now, but you’ll all pay soon enough.”

The slam of the door behind him was a signal of his rage. The doctor would certainly keep to his words, perhaps in a more literal sense that one would think.

———————————————————————

The loud banging on the door was a terrifying sound for the (L/N) family to hear, and soon the entrance to their fragile abode was burst open with a swarm of officers were in the home in a matter of seconds. The family of three sat up, confused and disoriented by the sudden intrusion, but this quickly morphed into horror as the patriarch was snatched up from his bed by two of the officers.

“What is happening? Unhand me, I haven’t done anything wrong!” He cried out, only to be interrupted by a deep chuckle.

“Yes you have.” The voice was familiar, and it didn’t take long for Kim Namjoon to emerge from the shadows. “You stole something from me.”

“If this is about-” The patriarch seethed, only to be stopped as the doctor held up his hand to signify silence.

“Right there officers. That dollhouse.” It was as if someone had set Y/N’s veins of fire. She couldn’t help but protest against the injustice.

“That was a present from him, from a long time ago! It isn’t stolen!” Namjoon cast his eyes on the young woman, and she once again felt the malicious power that this noble had as he smirked, shaking his head.

“You think I would gift a peasant family something so valuable? There’s no need to lie to protect your father, tesoro.”

As he spoke, his fingers traced over the faded design of the ornament, following every crack of paint until he withdrew his hand, instead beckoning another officer to take it away for him. And with that, Y/N’s father was dragged away simultaneously, his loud protests of innocence and begging of mercy becoming quieter yet still haunting the small Venetian streets.

“And what are you going to do now, tesoro?” With the emptiness of the house being quickly abandoned by the authorities, Namjoon’s voice cutting through the silence was an unwelcome shock.

“With your father in prison, there’s no way for you to earn any money to keep a roof over your head. Lest one of you get sick and you should need medicine.”

The women exchanged a look of fear. There was no doubt to the truth in his words, and knowing this only made the disparity of their situation worse. And seeing the revelation fall upon only made Namjoon prouder.

“It’s lucky I have a solution then.”

———————————————————————

Grime coated the walls of the jail cell, and rats scurried about the place as if they were the sole occupants. Yet their home was shared by a defeated older man leaning against the wall, eyes closed as if he could block out all other stimuli and just pray to god.

“See, this is no place for you tesoro.” Hearing a voice in the distance, the patriarch of the L/N family let out a moan of agony.

“Papa!” He opened his eyes to see his daughter clutching the bars of his cell, eyes wide with horror.

“Don’t touch those.” The presence of Y/N was marred by seeing the man who had put him in the awful cell in the first place. The man who, by the glimmering band on the young woman’s finger, was going to be his son-in-law.

“Papa, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. W-We’re going to see if we can get you in better living conditions, or maybe they’ll set you free. I swear, everything will be alright.” Y/N said, releasing her grip on the bars but not stepping away from the cage for a second.

“I can issue a pardon.” The L/N’s attention was diverted to the smug doctor standing behind Y/N. “But I’m not sure I’m quite ready to forgive you.”

Namjoon pulled Y/N away from her father, into his arms that trapped her in a paradoxically romantic gesture, as he pressed a kiss onto her pristine neck.

“Maybe your daughter will change my mind. But for now, we must be going.”

It was a bitter feeling to see his daughter be resigned as a mere object of the monstrous Doctor’s obsession, but the older man became distracted as his chest was captured in a wheezing fit, as when he drew his hand away from his mouth, he found spots of blood decorating it.

———————————————————————

Translations to Italian phrases used:

Buona Sera - Good evening

Ciao - Hi/Bye (a causal greeting)

Tesoro - Treasure 

Cucciollo  - Puppy (used usually by parents or to denote a rookie)

Signorina - Miss

Signore - Mister, Sir

dottore - Doctor

anima gemella - twin soul

It’s Been 17 Days

Since I’ve written anything on here..I’m sorry. I think I just got caught up in the monotony of quarantine (and also I did a lot of tanning/ subsequent falling asleep on my porch outside) that took up a lot of my time. However, the pessimistic side of me says that no one really reads this anyway, so maybe the timing isn’t as important as I thought, and this really is just for me. No matter, I find that I can’t force my writing. I really only do it when there is something pressing on my mind and there definitely is tonight. 

(idk why the only gifs on tumblr are anime girls, but honestly I’m not that surprised) 

Quarantine has tested me a lot in terms of how I deal with my view of myself. I’m sure that’s true for everyone. When I have absolutely nothing to do I’ll sit on my bed and think about what my values are. I know that first and foremost, knowing my worth is something I value a lot. Sometimes I have to peel myself off of tik tok because even though I feel the best I ever have, it’s still impossible to not be disheartened by the appearances of some of the girls on that app. It’s so sad too because you can clearly see the affects that that kind of content has on its audiences. 

I think that something I’ve come to notice as well is that modeling was a really healthy thing in my life before the pandemic started. That seems really backwards, but I think that it boosted my spirits so much. I think it’s because I never went into it with the mindset of “I want everyone to feel like shit looking at a good picture of me,” but moreso, “I’m actually really happy with myself right now and I want to capture that feeling.” Working with Dom has been a highlight as well, because even though we’re promoting her business, it’s just fun for us. We put on Disney music and laugh and she makes me feel like I should be proud of myself. And, the beautiful thing about it is that everyone has something that makes them feel like that: whether it’s singing or dancing or acting or programming or mechanical engineering or drawing etc etc. 

Another thing I’ve noticed on tik tok: everyone..and I mean EVERYONE is obsessed with love. For obvious reasons, haha, but the level of toxicity is crazy. It’s almost like no one knows how they really should be treated and the bare minimum is a shock. The amount of tik toks that are about girls getting texts from their crush or being left on read or their body counts or makeup to impress him is exhausting. Honestly, I feel fatigued :) And it is nearly always followed by tik toks of girls crying and their makeup is running and they’re saying they hate men or they’re screaming about how their ex is a piece of shit and “look at me now.” 

I get it, I understand everything they’re saying. Getting left on read sucks, and it hurts, and you overthink it and think you did something wrong. But, at the end of the day, do you SEE yourself? You look ridiculous. One of my biggest lessons in quarantine is quite simply to let that shit go. Did I cry to my mom at 4am because I guy stopped talking to me for a day? Yes, but did I reflect on it and recognize that that was probably a waste of time (and sleep) also yes. 

In all of my blog posts the central message ends up being essentially the same, perspective. Recently I’ve chosen to see the world in as positive a light as I possibly can. It’s SO hard to do, especially in these times, but I’m holding out for good. Good attracts good. I like to think. If you sink yourself as low as you can, and believe the worst in people, then that’s what you’ll attract, and you’ll end up hurt. It happens everyone time. I know that a lot of stuff I write sounds so cringey, but it is truly stuff I have come to believe during quarantine. You almost feel lighter when you treat life like a gift instead of a curse. 

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Not in an unhealthy way, because I like to be as mindful to what is in front of me as possible, but as something to get excited about. I can’t wait to (possibly) go to grad school. I can’t wait to travel and do good for others. I can’t wait to learn as much as I can about as many people as I can. I can’t wait to meet my best friend and get married and blah blah I’m just excited. I just wish more people would embrace the uncertainty of the things to come instead of back away from it (disclaimer that I recognize that this is a privilege I have as I notice that there are many factors that lend to my opportunities in this weird world we live in) 

So, when things don’t go my way in the present, I’m not going to say it’s not hard. Being an empath, I get close and attached to people really quickly and when it’s not reciprocated in the same way it really really stings. The key is not taking that to heart though. I know what I’m worth and while I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I also need to recognize that it’s just a fact that not everything will work out in my favor. And if someone is not jumping at the chance to talk to you or be with you or make you feel like you’re not worth their time then you need to recognize that that’s not a reflection of your value. 

I always knew that :) That was nothing new. Putting it into practice is harder though, but every night I feel better. (I also say this every time) but the people you surround yourself with tend to be a reflection of how you feel about yourself and I’m happy to say that that is true for me. 

Of course, there are times when some things just make no sense and you take it out on yourself; but let me be the first to urge you not to do that. You never ever know what is going on in someone’s life or mind. We’re all innately, primally, selfish, so of course we would think that we did something to provoke someone or make them hate us. Chances are though, it doesn’t involve you. The more I grow up the more selective I am in the battles I choose. Most of the times, playing games with people is not the move. If you’re upset, please god be upfront about it. You don’t want to spend your time on someone or something that doesn’t make you better. 

The second, and more important part of that though: leave it alone. This is something I struggle with. If I’m upset with someone I’m usually not “mean,” I’ll just make a lot of passive aggressive jokes about them. Again, not my finest moments. It’s something I’m working on leaving in the past. There’s no use bringing someone else down. I’m not a hypocrite. 

Anyway, in conclusion, I know that quarantine can be pretty lonely. I think I’m more lonely now than I was before solely because people are starting to go out and hang out with friends now (which is something that my family has definitely been more cautious about). At the end of it all though, I think I made the best friend I’ve ever had during quarantine (it’s myself, if that wasn’t clear) 

It’s so difficult to sit with yourself and be content. I’m definitely not there, but I’m a lot closer than I was. And even though I most definitely fo not talk to my friends 24/7, I know they’re still there. That trust is something I really value. And, while I appreciate it, I’m excited to carry my own weight a little bit better when this is all over. 

You’re all Valuable (Yes I mean ALL of you) 

-Julia 

The Sick, The Sad, and the Shower

~The Sick, The Sad, and the Shower~Optional Bias Imagine

A/N so I know I literally just posted a few hours ago about how I might delete this blog and I’m gonna say right here and now I’m still seriously debating doing that, I just finally worked up the ability to post that because today’s been really crappy and no me waking up tomorrow feeling better will not change my thoughts on the subject I have been seriously debating this for months now I’m just not super in control of my emotions or impulses today so that message finally got posted. Second, as far as this goes it’s the one idea I’ve had recently that I actually really want to pursue mostly because this day has really sucked and I really need to write this and it’s something I think a lot of us can relate to and so I want to at least get it out there just in case someone out there needs it as much as I do. Third, this was written literally all today I started at 7:15 pm Thursday, May 16, 2019 HST and I will post the completion time at the end in short this is gonna suck real bad I’m sorry. Fourth, this also does mean whatever decision I come to regarding my blog it will be up for a while longer so y’all have a chance to try and convince me to do otherwise as one such person has already tried you know who you are you’re an angel and I love you. (Quick hint one really easy way to make sure this blog doesn’t get deleted comment on my stories and tell me you appreciate them or if you don’t want to do that for whatever reason you may or may not have message me/send me an ask I don’t bite I literally get a message scream and freak out for a bit because omg ahh and then I freak out cause I don’t know how to respond I’m just that freaking awkward and anxious you cannot be any more scared to talk to me than I am of talking to you jk that’s a lie we all have different issues and I’m not going to say mine are the worst out there cause that is the biggest falsehood to ever exist) That concludes my really dumb commentary, for now, enjoy this little piece of crap or don’t it’s up to you. Also apologies for this really long mess, it’s cause I’m a mess and don’t know when to shut up. You probably skipped all of this though so I don’t know why I’m apologizing no big deal I would’ve skipped it too, so yeah now I’m really done.

Description: In case you don’t want to read the crappy long story I’m about to put before you here’s a crappy really short summary of what goes down. You’re sick, you’re sad, and you’re in the shower. Then the love of your life your boyfriend/bias/literal angel from on high whom you adore comes home and finds you sick, sad, and in the shower. He shares with you some loving words of wisdom semi-equivalent to shut up, I love you, now let me hug you. In the end, you’re still sick, but now you’re out of the shower and a little less sad because you’ve got a really attractive really amazing boyfriend who supports you and loves you even when you feel absolutely terrible. Congrats now you don’t have to read the story, or if you’re really curious about how this all plays out you can read it anyway. It’ll be just as crappy but a little more heartwarming...I hope...

Genre: It’s a genre all on its own called crappy tales from this random fanfic author, alternatively its fluff with some angst which should be obvious since sad is in the title but none of its good

Warnings: Honestly feel like this category should move up because so far my biggest warning is I’m feeling really pessimistic so all of my commentaries are really salty and bitter and pessimistic I apologize for that it’s just how the day has gone and I can’t find the strength to not behave like a petty and misbehaving child. Otherwise, there shouldn’t be any warnings other than like you’re really down about stuff in the beginning really struggling so if that’s gonna make you feel really down or something don’t read. Otherwise, yeah you should be good but I am not all knowing so if there is something in here that triggers you I apologize right now please let me know so I can warn you in the future if there is one. 

Word Count: 2152 words; 11435 Characters

(Not my gif, I will be telling you this until the day this blog and/or I die whichever comes first, credit to whoever owns it don’t know who and if that upsets you fight me)

It had been a long day a really long day full of work and practice and so much other stuff. He was exhausted by the time he got back to the apartment he shared with you the love of his life and his partner. He wanted nothing more than to cuddle up with you on the couch and fall asleep wrapped together with you while you watched literally anything on the tv screen. 

He tossed down his keys and shrugged off his jacket and slid off his shoes putting on the comforting house slippers all the while wondering where in this apartment you could be. Usually, at this time of the evening, you were laying on the couch wrapped in a blanket reading a book or watching a tv show or a movie or doing something in the kitchen. Long story short you were usually in the main entrance of the apartment but then again you’d been sick for the past few days so you were probably holed up in the bedroom. He figured he was right when he heard the soft echo of what was undoubtedly a really loud cough. He sighed worried for you and set down the bag of groceries on the counter and then quickly put them away before going to find and check on you. He walked deeper into the apartment following your coughing and getting sadder with every cough he heard, they all sounded pretty miserable, and he’d be right they well and truly sucked. Then he heard the sound of running water and realized you must be taking a shower. He nodded softly to himself relaxing slightly since he knew you were at the very least taking care of yourself. Nonetheless, he walked up to the door to check on you anyway. 

“Hey, baby, just letting you know I’m home. Are you feeling any better today?” He asked after knocking lightly on the door to signal his presence. You heard him, faintly, but you still heard him and a small, very tiny, minuscule little smile grew on your face. Good god how you adored him. 

“I’m gonna be completely honest and say no if anything I feel worse,” You responded trying to get your strained voice heard over the water and through the door. For a second you almost laughed at the though over the water and through the door, it reminded you of the children’s song to Grandmother’s house we go, it was such a dumb thing to think of you almost laughed until another cough tore through you. 

He frowned after hearing your response and the dreadful cough and at how strained your voice sounded. “Baby, are you crying?” He asked as softly as he could while making sure he could still be heard by you.

“No,” You answered quickly. His silence in response let you know that he didn’t believe you. “Fine, yes, I’m crying, today just really sucked ya know,” You replied no longer hiding the sobs that were racing through you and mixing with the agonizing coughs. 

“It’s okay baby, I know,” He replied kindly, “Well, I don’t know exactly, but I’ve had my fair share of bad days so I can empathize, not perfectly mind you but I get the feeling,” He said stumbling over his words a little bit. He was smart and kind you’d give him that, but he wasn’t always the most eloquent speaker especially when he was worried. It was okay though you loved him and everyone struggles with speaking sometimes. There were some days when you just had to wonder if you could really consider yourself fluent in your native language because you just couldn’t seem to get it right all day. That’s off topic though. “Baby, I really want to help you and be there for you, but it’s really hard to talk to you through this door, can I come in? Only if you’re okay with it though,” He asked a moment later. You nodded softly before realizing he did not have x-ray vision and could not see the very small movement of your head which was currently resting up against the shower wall. 

“Yes, you can come in,” You answered after your little realization that as wonderful as he is your lover does not have superpowers. You heard the door open and then close again as he came into the bathroom. 

He stopped moving and leaned against a wall facing away from the shower so as to not make you uncomfortable. “Do you want to talk about what’s making you cry?” He asked gently. 

“I don’t really know, there’s so much, I mean I guess it’s mostly cause I’m sick and in pain...” You began slowly trying to work out your own emotions while you talked to him. “No, it’s more than that,” You realized as you thought back to why you’re really crying because as far as pain goes your throat didn’t hurt that bad and your head didn’t hurt that bad either it just sucked and was annoying and wasn’t great, but it wasn’t tear worthy either. Then it all fell into place and you realized what was making you so tear up and cry, for what was likely the fifth time today. “I’m just tired, so damn tired.”

“Of?” He prompted, knowing you weren’t just talking about not getting enough sleep. 

“Of everything, of responsibilities, of being sick, of hurting, of having to go to class, and work, and having to do homework, I just I need to rest like really rest but I can’t and it sucks and it hurts and it’s exhausting and I can’t take it anymore,” You explained the tears starting a new. 

“Why can’t you rest?” He questioned trying to figure out what was going on so he could help you.

“Because I have responsibilities, I can’t just drop everything and sail away no matter how much I want to,” You replied before breaking out into another coughing fit. 

“Can I give you a hug?” He asked suddenly perplexing you for a moment, “Don’t think too much about it just answer the question, can I give you a hug?” He added a moment later knowing you had just started overthinking all of that even though there wasn’t even much to think about. 

“Yes, I would love a hug, right now,” You replied and the next thing you knew he was standing in front of you still fully dressed and holding you in his arms. You hugged him back quickly and started crying into him. 

“Babe, stop thinking right now, just stop thinking about what you should or shouldn’t do, what you can or can’t do, who you want to be and who you should be, for now just focus on this moment and who you are right now. Focus on my voice and the feel of my clothes, focus on the sound of the water and the feel of it as it hits you, focus on the feel of your hair and your feet against the tile, just focus on the now. Think about who you are, you are amazing and wonderful and strong and hardworking. You have graduated from high school, last semester you had perfect attendance in all of your classes, you’ve been doing amazing work at your job, hell you got promoted. Focus on that for a bit,” He instructed gently as he whispered into your ear. You did as he said and fell into the moment fell into his grip. 

“Love, you’re trying so hard and you want so much to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect employee, perfect lover, hell the perfect person. You think you should be all of these and you want to be all of these and while that’s great and it’s wonderful and admirable, but darling it’s unrealistic. No one can or will be perfect and no one should expect you to be perfect if they do drop them like the biodegradable piece of trash they are and then kick them off into the sunset where you never have to think about them ever again.” He said getting slightly off topic. 

“Taking one day off to rest and recuperate so you can get healthy isn’t going to ruin everything. You won’t be disappointing your parents if you skip one day of classes, I know for a fact that your parents adore you and are so immensely proud of you and nothing will change that in fact they will only grow to love you more and be proud of you more because you’re going to do amazing things, but you have to be healthy and strong to do those things. Your grades will not plummet past the point of no return if you take one day and miss a few assignments so you can make sure you put your best work forward. Yes, you should at least attempt to do your homework because doing it poorly is better than not doing it at all even a 3% is better than a zero. Don’t argue you can’t math is always right 3 is greater than zero.” He continued still holding you close. 

“Finally, your job and employer and co-workers will understand, your health is more important than getting a paycheck and your health is just straight up more important. You cannot be perfect and one day of rest will not ruin everything.” He concluded giving you a tight squeeze. “You are amazing and I love you and you can take a day to take care of yourself the world will not end.” 

“Thank you babe,” You replied softly already feeling at least a little better if only evidenced by the halting of your tears. 

“Now come on let’s finish getting you cleaned up and out of this shower, then while you get changed I’ll cook us up some soup and set up the couch so we can lay down, cuddle, and binge watch anything you want. Then we’ll go to bed and tomorrow, we’ll spend the day resting and relaxing, and I will take the best care of you,” He said lifting your chin up with his finger so you’d look into his kind eyes which were staring at you with so much love you nearly started crying again.

“You’re an angel, you know that?” You asked gently. 

“I do now, now how clean did you actually get in this shower before you were incapacitated by the agony of responsibility and trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders?” He replied with a smile. 

“Oh shut up and get out of here, I can finish showering on my own,” You replied smacking his chest lightly. 

“Aww but I wanted to dote on you and treat you like royalty,” He replied with a little pout. You shoved him lightly and he smiled before leaving the shower and letting you finish up in the shower. As you did he threw your favorite pair of pajamas, a pair of fuzzy socks, and a blanket into the dryer to warm them up a bit for your enjoyment. 

Once you were out of the shower and had dried off he supplied you with the recently warmed items and then went to take his own shower since he was already wet anyway. 

You found the soup already heating on the stove and a mountain of blankets and pillows and treats set up in the living room after you got changed into your delightfully warm pajamas. You smiled gently and stirred the soup a little before going to sit on the couch. If he wanted to take care of you, you sure as hell weren’t going to stop him. Especially since you still felt like death itself had climbed in a semi-truck hit you, backed up over you, exited the vehicle stomped on your face, and then stuffed your ears full of random crap lying around.  

He was very glad to see you bundled up and relaxing on the couch when he finished with his shower and getting changed and then he quickly went over to dish up your soup and his own and then joined you on the couch with the two bowls and a couple of spoons. 

Hours later you were both peacefully passed out on the couch the tv still playing in the background and your dishes haphazardly discarded on the little table in front of the couch with gentle smiles resting on both of your faces. You were truly grateful to have someone in your life who loved you as much as he did, through all your ups and downs.

The next day he kept his word and stayed home all day with you, took care of you, and relaxed. That day you found that without a doubt, love and laughter truly are the best remedies, well that and of course your friendly neighborhood medicine. 

A/N Completed at 8:49 pm Thursday night on May 16, 2019 HST Hope this helps you as much as it helped me today. Lots of love guys and take care of yourselves, your health is so important and your responsibilities can wait as long as you need them to so that you can get better. 

Falling - (A)

Genre; angst

Length; not very long, mainly just a vent post

TW; Manipulation, verbal abuse, toxic relationships, etc.

Your mind was littered with thoughts of him.

The way he smiled. His sweet raspy giggles. His occasional lame joke. The way his eyes shined and his pupils dilated as he spoke so passionately about his career.

Everything. Just everything about him had you head over heels.

"Fuck..." You sighed the swear word as your body relaxed, sinking into your mattress while water filled the inner corners of your eyes. How could you be so stupid? Falling for someone who was so far out of your reach.

Though he was your best friend, your relationship was complicated.

One moment the two of your would be cuddled up against one another- completely entranced by each others presence as your hands explored your bodies and your mouthes preoccupied one another. Then after the lustful encounter, you'd continue laying there securely wrapped in his arms while you spilled your heart out to each other.

But, other moments were completely different. Sometimes it felt as if he refused to lay a hand on you, all while acting cold and distant as if he were there against his will. Though you wanted to bury the memory of his harshness, you recalled one specific sentence he spoke that you'd never be able to forget; "I feel so bad for you, y/n, you're just my little toy that I can do whatever I want to."

As you laid there, neck deep in pessimistic thoughts, the sound of the doorbell knocked you back into reality.

"Coming!" You shouted, practically leaping off your bed as you quickly remembered tonight was another one of you and Yoongi's little hangout sessions.

As you made the short journey to your front door, you attempted to shake yourself free of the bad.

"Hey, I nearly forgot you were coming." You hummed, feeling your heart race in your chest already as he enveloped you in one of his comforting embraces.

Yoongi chuckled, shaking it head as he released you; keeping hold of your hand as the two of you walked into the living room. "You would... Oh wait.."

Letting go of your hand, he reached into the plastic grocery bag that you hadn't even noticed- pulling out a couple bags of gummy worms, tossing them onto the couch before pulling out a bottle of Moscato.

"I got us a few more snacks, so it's not just gummies, don't worry." He added as he tossed the bag onto the couch. "And I got this-" Playing waving the bottle as he made his way to the kitchen. "-because alcohol makes everything better."

A soft sigh left you as you couldn't help but giggle at his alcoholic motto. "You know alcoholism is a serious matter." You teased, following close behind him, watching as he skillfully uncorked the drink. "Also Moscato tastes a thousand times better chilled, it's gonna taste like crap if we drink it just like that."

Yoongi scoffed, “You’re like an actual alcoholic, you know that right?” He teased back, lightly punching your bicep before watching you closely- his eyes staying on your lower half as your hips swayed while you walked.

He could hear your soft giggle followed by the clanking if the glass just as you shut your fridge. Part of him felt guilty about this- he knew what he was doing, leading you on, using your body and heart for his selfish needs when his ex wouldn't give him the time of day. Deep down, he knew he had to distance himself from you- but manipulating you, having you wrapped around his finger was too fun to give up; for now at least.

"Come here, little one." He purposely cooed, knowing very well how you'd always melt when it came to petnames, motioning you over to him before reaching out for you.

Instantly, your heart nearly leaped out of your chest- lurching you into his embrace despite your better judgment. You could feel the tears in your eyes gather along your waterline- you knew what was going to happen now; the two of you wouldn’t even begin the movie or crack open the wine, they were practically just pity gifts. Ya know, things you could have to soothe yourself after he used you and left. 

Lifting your chin up, turning your yearning gaze up towards him, Yoongi immediately pressed his lips against yours- gently grasping your face as the kiss deepened.  He could feel all the tension in your body melt away as he held you there. Your delicate form rested against his body as his hands began to trail lower and lower- gripping your hips while he moved with you back onto the couch. 

Laying you down, he crawled o top of you- making short eye contact with you before enveloping you in another needy kiss.  “Do you want me?” He purred just as he broke the kiss for a second time, trailing his lips down your jaw- planting vicious pecks against your neck while he began pushing up your shirt. 

Again, tears threatened to break free as his question pulled at your heartstrings. This was hell disgusted as heaven. 

“Y- Yes.~” You airily stuttered, your voice breaking as your mind was littered with a mix of pain and euphoria.  Your legs opened, welcoming him in before wrapping them around his waist. 

Sitting up on his knees, he began fumbling with his belt- undoing the buckle before swiftly pulling it free from the loops.  “How badly?” He added, cocking a brow as your hips instinctively buck up; grinding your heat against his hardening member. 

“So fucking badly..” You needily replied, whining as he returned the motion. Soft gasps escaped you as his clothed shaft pressed against your core. “I- I need you, Yoongi, pl- please..” 

Your words nearly made him stop- he knew there was a double meaning to your pleas, but you were nothing but his toy. And toys were meant to be broken after all.  “God, you’re so pretty when you beg, my pet.” 

Without wasting another breath his long digits hooked around the waistband of your shorts; pulling them off in one motion the moment you unraveled your legs from around him, exposing the sweet lace that hugged your body.  “Fuck, you always look so lovely in those, but-” He nearly snarled, trailing his fingers down your slit- teasing you as they wrapped around your panties, tugging them down and off your body within seconds. “-you look so much better with nothing on at all.” 

“Take me.~” You whimpered, your heart ached though your body and mind were lustful. Every part of you hurt knowing this was your only use to him, but you accepted that this was the only form of affection you were worthy of long ago. 

Soon, you were filled to the brim with him- overwhelmed by his touch, by his lips on you, by his rasped tone whispering sweet nothings to you as he pumped in and out of you. If this is what hell felt like, you weren’t sure if you ever wanted a taste of heaven. 

“Y- Yoongi..” You whimpered, your lip quivered as your body trembled. You were already inching near your end with each stroke, you swore he knew your body better than even you did. 

“Almost done already, huh?” He jeered, quickening his pace- elongated each powerful thrust. God did he adore how badly he could affect you. “Go one, little one. Cum. Cum for Daddy.” 

Your body immediately seemed to obey, bringing you all the way to the edge of that foggy, euphoric abyss then tossing you right in.  “A- Ah, Fu- Fuck, fuck!~” You repeatedly moaned out the curses, your lower back arching up off the couch as he wrapped his arm around you- lifting you up and onto his lap continuing his rhythm inside you. 

“Emily..” He sweetly purred his ex’s name name, lacing it with strings of neediness, as his hold around you tightened. “Yo-You feel so fucking amazing..” 

Resting your head on his shoulder, the ecstasy you felt seemed to help relieve you of the pain your spirit felt hearing her name instead of yours. Part of you wanted to push away and kick him right out, but the part that felt for him just felt too deeply that you allowed the temporary euphoria cloud the ache in your heart.  You gently kissed the crook of his neck, giving the sensitive area small kitten licks as you began rocking your hips to match his pace. 

“Cu-Cum for me, Daddy..” You mewled, your voice broken as you fought the urge to cry. 

“Oh fuck-” He crooned, resting his forehead on your shoulder- focusing on nothing but chasing his high. “Daddy’s so damn close, princess. Shit.. Shit..” He groaned, nipping at your collarbone as his hips sputtered. 

Quickening your movements, the room began to fill with the loud mixture of your’s and his sounds.  “Goddamn it, baby...” He snarled, digging his fingertips into your flesh. “I’m gonna fucking cum- I’m gonna cum.” 

With one last stroke, he thrust his member deep inside you, groaning a series of cuss words as his member twitched- coating your walls with his cum. 

As soon as it was over, the reality of everything hit you like a ton of bricks.  “Why would you do that?” You mousily asked, tears already welling up in your eyes as you stared down at the couch as you moved off of him. 

“Do what, exactly?” He chuckled, standing, regathering his composure- seemingly unaware of his lustful cruelty. “Make you cum so quickly?” He teased, “Don’t I always do that?” 

“You said her name...” 

Immediately, he stopped his teasing, chuckling at his own stupidity. “So what if I did?” 

Your tearful gaze broke away from the faux suede cushion as you looked up at him. “Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?” 

Yoongi coldly shrugged, sighing as he grabbed his belt- preparing to leave you alone after he got what he wanted like he always did.  “Because y/n. She’s always going to be the one I want.” He maliciously replied before making his way to the front door. “I’ve already told you- you’re nothing to me but a toy.”

All you could do was draw your knees into your chest and bury your face as you sobbed. Your heart ached, your body felt dirty, and your soul yearned for some sort of comfort as the echo of his footsteps then the door opening and slamming shut followed.  Looking up from your pathetic position, you reached over for your phone, which was thankfully sat on the opposite side, and dialed up the only person you knew would be there for you- the only person you had left. 

“Hello?” 

“J-Jin..Help..” 

“Y/n! Are you in trouble? What’s wrong??” 

“Wh- Why does this always happen?”  “Why is he so cruel to me?” 

A soft sigh escaped your friend, “It was that bastard again, hm?”  “You know what.. I’ll be right there.” 

To be continued, maybe?

I know I’ve made a lot of personal posts over the past few months about personal growth, dealing with medical problems, and being a more positive person and trying to find purpose in your life. And I def don’t wanna turn into a blog that just talks about that sort of thing, but from what I went through this past year, with relationships and my medical stress and learning about forgiveness and boundaries, I realize how hard it is for people to function through that stuff when they feel alone or have low self-worth. And I find it SUPER important to hit these personal milestones.

So I’ve been binge watching Dr Phil for months, day in and day out. I started using it as background noise for when I draw (because I’m tired of listening to the same playlist over and over). But after watching him so much, I’ve come to respect him a great deal. He hands out prolific life advice, and a lot of his quotes or ideas really helped me wake up and put my foot down. It made me see some things in life I hadn’t thought about.

And so I collected 30 of these quotes, and I want to share a few of them with you guys, in case you’re going through something or need that extra encouragement. Because they’ve helped me more than I could’ve ever imagined.

“One of the ten laws of life: teach people how to treat you.”  Put up your boundaries in a relationship from the get go. If they see you bending on them, they will continue to treat you poorly because you allow it.

“10-7-5. Why do you do the things you do and feel the way you feel. It’s defined by 10-7-5. Identify the 10 defining moments in your life, 7 critical choices you’ve made that affected who you became, and the 5 pivotal people in your life.” Once you sit down and think about these things, you have a better understanding of yourself.

“Big boys don’t cry, but men do.”

“People who are successful have a defined image in life. They know who they are.” This one was hard for me, because knowing who you are is tough. Figure it out along the way, but you can’t succeed in life if you don’t have an answer to this question. It’ll come to you.

“Don’t quit while the emotions are raw. Don’t quit while it’s really hurting inside. Work through it. Give your feelings a voice. You’re talking about a relationship that’s meant a lot to you. It’s worth the work. And if you get through that work you just can’t get past it, OK. But know that you’ve done the work.” This one is the most important to me. To be satisfied with an ending relationship, do yourself and them a favor and put the work in at first. Try and see if it’s worth fixing, because if they mean enough to you, you owe it to them to make the effort.

“When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences.”

"One of the big things about immaturity is that those people tend to lack empathy. So there’s no consideration on you.” 

“My dad used to tell me, ‘Boy, don’t ever miss a good chance to shut up.’“ If you think you’re going to put your foot in your mouth, stay silent.

“Eighty percent of choices are based on fear. Most people don’t choose what they want; they choose what they think is safe.”

“Don’t wait till you’re in a crisis to come up with a crisis plan.” This one is really important to me because people don’t consciously think about this. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

“At the end of the day, whether or not those people are comfortable with how you’re living your life doesn’t matter. What matters is whether you’re comfortable with it.” We base our lives too much on public opinion or the opinions of friends/family. You’re the only you you have. You’re the one who’s always gonna be there with you at the end of the day. You need to make sure that’s a priority. People come and go, but you need to just live your life how you are comfortable (as long as it’s not hurting anyone).

“Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give to you.”

“Awareness without action is worthless.” I let this dictate a lot of my relationships growing up. That’s why I’m so gung-ho about setting boundaries now. You can be aware there’s problems in a relationship, but if you don’t do anything about it then what’s the point of acknowledging that?

“Everyone faces the challenge of finding meaning to their suffering.” It’s there. If you can’t see it, it will reveal itself down the line. I was torn apart over my medical conditions with my tumor, but only now, over a year later, am I seeing why I had to go through that. I needed that to trigger some personal awareness in myself. To cut out negativity and love myself enough to forgive and set boundaries with people. I never would have reached that epiphany had I not gone through that, nor would I be as close with my family and my friends right now. The tumor was a fuckin’ eye opening blessing and I thank God every day that it happened now.

“It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.”

“Are you doing what you’re doing today because you want to do it, or because it’s what you were doing yesterday?”

“If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.” The thing I gather the most from Dr Phil’s shows is that you need to try and establish your own self worth to be happy. Because without it, I’m not sure it’s obtainable, let alone sustainable. Fuckin’ want more for yourself. Give it to yourself. Try.

“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” People can change, but it takes a hell of a wake up call most of the time.

“Winners simply formed the habit of doing things that losers don’t like to do.” Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. It always comes back to boundaries and looking out for yourself. If it’s a hard decision, it’s meant to be hard. If I’ve learned anything from my experiences, doing the right thing in making changes in your life is super tough, but you can’t avoid doing it forever. Provide the actions with the best outcomes for your success and happiness. Learn some coping tools if you have to along the way to make it easier.

“A lot of people do have tragic childhoods, but you know what? Get over it.” He didn’t say this in an insensitive way, his context was that you can’t justify current behavior based on your childhood experiences. If you need the help to learn how to surpass bad memories, that’s fine. You should seek that out. But from experience, no one wants to attend your pity party, as harsh as that sounds, if you’re excusing away your behavior with it. That is only hurting your relationships with people, and yourself.

“Instead of being ashamed of what you’ve been through, be proud of what you’ve overcome!”

“People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book, be transparent.”

“Change can come in either of two important ways: start behaving positively or stop behaving negatively.” This hit me the hardest. It’s super important to your mindset for what the quality of life you’re going to have. If you recognize you’re allowing negativity to fester, or you’re being too pessimistic all the time, make the decision to make that change. Choose to stop it and practice a better mindset. After a while, you do start to believe it. Fake it till you make it.

“When you allow a person’s words to upset you, you’re giving away your power.”

“You do not HAVE to be angry just because you have the right to be angry.”

“At this very moment, you may be saying to yourself that you have any number of admirable qualities. You are a loyal friend, a caring person, someone who is smart, dependable, fun to be around. That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you, but let me ask you this: are you being any of those things to yourself?”

“My dad used to say, 'You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.”

  “ Be your authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you have no fear of judgment, or before the world starts pushing you around and telling you who you're supposed to be. Your fictional self is who you are when you have a social mask on to please everyone else. Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.”

“It's so much easier to tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.” I think this goes hand in hand with the hard choices quote.

“If you need a miracle, be a miracle.”

I sometimes need to look at this list to remind myself of these profound things.  Sometimes I’ll sit there and really think about some of this and apply it to my life. I wanted to share some of the quotes that I enjoyed from him that have really helped me these past couple of months.

If any of you needed to hear any of this or take comfort in it, then I’m glad to share it with you guys UuU.

Hey, Fran! Have u ever consider headcanon abt Baku and Kiri met before they entered Yuuei? I mean, just think about it: Baku is a huge bully while Kiri stand up for them who get bullied. Like?? What if they got into fight?? How would they react when they meet again in Yuuei?? WHAT IF KIRI HATED HIM BEFORE

Aw anon, I’m so not gonna give you the answer you hoped you’d get to this haha I’ve talked briefly about something on these lines on my main blog not too long ago, but in general the way I feel about this is, there’s no way Kirishima could ever hate Bakugou. I’m positive their relationship would have been a friendship whatever moment in time they were to meet, tbh!

And this is in part about how Kirishima just doesn’t seem to know how to hate, like, anything so why would he hate Bakugou of all people, but it’s also about how I don’t feel like Bakugou changed all that much between middle school and the first day of high school? Kirishima didn’t meet a perfect version of Bakugou, he met a Bakugou that lauched himself at Deku and had to be restrained by Aizawa, a Bakugou that blew up half a building to beat Deku, a Bakugou that was more yelling and explosions than anything else - and Kirishima looked at him and saw him anyway, you know? He looked at Bakugou fighting against Deku and thought “he looks desperate”. He looked at Bakugou and didn’t stop at his yelling and violence, not even in the very beginning. This would have happened before their UA days too, in my opinion - Kirishima and Bakugou, they have personalities made to fit together. You don’t need to chip anything away for them to like each other, they see worth in each other, they understand each other. When they first became friends Bakugou wasn’t any less shouty and angry and Kirishima wasn’t any less righteous and earnest than how they were back in middle school, all in all!

Well, what you were talking about was a one-time meeting anyway, right? Considering Bakugou’s always been cocky and shouty but has never engaged in uncalled-for fights, and how all his bully-like behaviours have always been restricted only to interacting with Deku, I doubt he would have actually fought Kirishima. At best he could have told him to mind his own business before angrily stomping away, tbh. A meeting like that would have hardly left an impression on either of them, let’s be real haha

Anon said:i love ur art SO. MUCH. every time ur on my dash its a blessing ty for what u do

GOSH thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *O*

Anon said:Came here to compliment you ab your art but I'm just speechless..? Y'know that one scene in HQ!! Where Kiyoko is like "good luck" and the third years + Tanaka and Noya just start crying? That's me with ur art Fran.

Oh my god hahaha thank you???????? this is actually so sweet I’m smiling a lot aaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Hi! I like your work, I'm just confused why you left out noses in some of your drawings :0 not meaning to offend, I just was wondering why

Maybe I’m just a huge fan of Krillin, what do you know :O lmao nah, you might say it’s a laziness-driven stylistic choice to make my drawings faster to finish - there’s no deeper meaning behind it aside from “eehhhhh I can’t find a way to draw noses I like and find comfortable so I guess I’m just gonna stop drawing them when I can avoid it” haha

Anon said:have u read the kiribaku fic on ao3 called 'stamina' by razorwings? its pretty new so maybe not. its really good if u want 2 read it!!!

Ahhh boy, I’m.... so not good with first person fics........... orz

Anon said:I love when you draw them smiling in the kisses. It's so happy. Really the best.

OH BOY I’m sure happy you enjoy that cause honestly that’s my fav way of drawing kisses anyway!!! So it makes both of us happy, which is the best outcome a drawing can have, for me!!!!

Anon said:Evey time you post I get really happy and excited!!💓💓

;O; I’m so happy to hear that!!!! thank you!!!!

Anon said:I too have not been to tge beach

#sob we can be sad about our missed beach times together anon ;~;

Anon said:hey i wanted to say i convinced my friend to read bnha by showing her the drawing u did of tamaki smushing his face, she loves ur art and so do i

THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!!!!! And I’m super happy she decided to give the manga a go!!! I’m also even happier her reason was Tamaki to be honest, the awkward son deserves as many fans as he can get!!!

Anon said:If you could have a character from dgm and a character from bnha meet, which ones would you pick, why, and what would they talk about, do you think? Or, at least, what would you want them to talk about?

ALMA AND KIRISHIMA!!!!!! I don’t even really care about what they’d talk about, I’m just thinking about them being pure and bright and soft hearted little shits together and it’s making me so happy it’d be like staring at two suns I can’t believe how good of a visual that is I’m crying

Incredibly interesting would be Kanda and Bakugou too, they would fight a lot and it would be amazingly entertaining - Lavi would get on Bakugou’s nerves SO MUCH too oh boy but maybe Sero would be the one I’d want Lavi to interact with the most?? Either him or Denki, they’re similar enough as far as whining and being pessimistic and wanting to sleep and being huge assholes in disguise go haha interestingly enough I feel like Allen might be the one out of the main group Bakugou would end up having a good relationship with, he’s strongwilled and powerful and a hero in all the right ways, after all - they might bicker cause who doesn’t Allen even bicker with, but after all they’re get along ... Bakugou would probably hate Neah with a passion, tho

Link and Iida would be amusing and entertaining too, wouldn’t they? lmao and I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to see Dabi and Tyki interact either, what a good - ahhhhhhhh but yeah after all if I gotta pick one it’s Alma and Kirishima. Possibly bringing Alma in the bnha universe. Let my son live, please ;-;

Anon said:Thank you for blessing us with smiling Bakugo.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you for liking him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I'll be honest I'm not a fan of kiribaku. BUT whenever you draw kiribaku, I always get so giddy and happy and can't stop smiling. So please keep drawing for a long time, it really and truly makes my day whenever I see you posted new art

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t get why you wouldn’t like the good ship, but I’m glad you enjoy my stuff either way!! Thank you!!!!!

Anon said:Hello! I hope it's alright to ask you this: I opened a Redbubble account like 2 days ago, and on my page, under my bio, I can only see thumbnails of my designs... how can I get it to show products and prices instead, just like on your page? Thanks in advance!!

You might not be in your actual shop page! See under your bio if there’s a “Shop” button and click on it, it should being you to the part of the shop your costumers are actually gonna see :D

For the question post: 1-92 please 👌🤗

1. I don’t know?

2. Nope nope!

3. If we’re talking lip virginity, yes.

4. Yes and no. S’complicated.

5. Like, like-like? I wish!!! We are so far apart!!!

6. I’m a little exhausted to be properly excited for anything right now.

7. Got that good dick. (Nah, I worked on my college essay, that’s all.)

8. I don’t really care one way or the other. I’ve been around plenty of drunk people to know that “wasted” varies wildly.

9. Confidence can be anything! It depends a lot on the person. When I see my friends are confident, it can be cute or cool as hell! Sometimes both! When my girlfriend is confident, it is hot. And intimidating. Point is, confidence varies!

10. Water!

11. Most of ‘em. Nearly all my best friends are women. Or, wait, no, this is sex not gender? So, are we talkin’ like best friends with a vagina? Cus I dunno, lots still? (I tend to bond easier with people who aren’t men because I’m not traditionally masculine, and I often find traditional masculinity very intimidating! So it’s hard for me to open up to men easily! I still trust very easily, but it’s much easier for me to trust women and nonbinary people than men.)

12. I own multiple, unfortunately. Not a fan, even if they do make me look thiccer than I already am.

13. Be in the spot. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

14. Who knows? Probably one of my friends.

15. I am not. I wish I could kiss the person I’m going out with! Fuck you, spacetime, for creating space.

16. Probably. Change happens every day!

17. Dunno. Probably Finn. But I kinda overshare constantly, soooooo…

18. Yesterday. Life’s hard sometimes! I’m not broken, though, or at least, if I am, I know I’ll get better. Just kinda going through a long rough patch with all this stress.

19. Hmmmmmm…lemme check my sex-tracker, where I log all of my numerous sexual encounters. Ah, still says .5 sexes, so I don’t think I have.

20. Please tell me this isn’t a prank. Or, wait, is this like an existential question? I guess I’m realizing that…like…things kinda suck? I have a hard time dealing with pessimism because I associate it with one of the lowest points of my life, and when I engage in pessimistic behaviors it’s really disheartening and I start to spiral. I’m almost an optimist by my very nature, but also, very much by choice! And it’s…kinda exhausting to be optimistic about everything and be nice and get my hopes up and honestly, the fact that I’ve started to realize that has kinda made me question my whole identity. Also slowly realizing I might be comfortable with they/them pronouns? Not to the point if I know if they’re for me or not, but, y’know, that’s a thing bumping around in my brain now.

21. Sure? Kinda. Yeah, you know what, fuck it, I am. I’m in a good mood.

22. Depends on the shark.

23. Yes!

24. I don’t know.

25. I…also don’t know. That’s genuinely really difficult for me to answer. I almost never know my actual reaction to something until after it’s happened, and my personal code of ethics kinda have this whole thing of like “forgive everyone unless they’ve hurt someone else (but still forgive them if they make up for it).” But the someone else…doesn’t include me. So. Eh. Don’t even know if that would hurt me. I guess I’m okay with whatever? Maybe? Not sure.

26. That it is.

27. I don’t know. I like my girlfriend and she makes me laugh! A lot! But I’m able to mesh with most people?

28. My girlfriend.

29. My. Girlfriend.

30. Y…well, n…fuck, that’s complicated. It’s a case-by-case thing.

31. Nah. Not a big hater of people. At most, I dislike.

32. I sure hope she does!!! I’ve made it very obvious, what with the “us dating” thing!

33. I drink soda.

34. John Mulaney.

35. Yes. I would avoid it if I could, but for the most part, I can’t.

36. Well, I know where she goes to school?

37. Not really, no. I have this one kinda “Nice Guy” friend who believes in “love at first conversation,” and I kinda get that, but also, love is…kinda gradual. I can absolutely understand falling for a person very quickly! I have before! But I also think you have to wait to verify those feelings and whether it’s full romantic attraction or just a passing “damn, you’re hot” thing. But that’s rooted in a deeply personal experience where I acted very promptly on “romantic” feelings, then kinda got abused for a long time over those feelings. It was infatuation turned into dependence, and every day, I worry that that might happen to someone else. I worried it happened to the person who abused me. Like…damn, this question hits a little close to home, maybe?

38. My dad.

39. A girl in theater. She’s my dancing partner for a scene. She feels super awkward about because she’s a freshman and I’m a senior, and A) I get it, believe me, awkward for me too, B) come on, if you wanna be a professional actor, step up your game and get in the moment, dude, and C) E X C U S E Y O U ? It’s way worse for me! I have to dance with a freshman.

40. Well, it started with us cuddling, then I kissed her neck, and it just sort of…escalated. I still don’t know how I feel about that.

41. I don’t remember.

42. Yes, both.

43. I’ve embarrassed myself in front of every crush I’ve ever had, just about. But current one? Oh god yeah! Every day! She flirts with me just a little and I die???

44. I don’t tan?

45. Again, don’t know. She liked kissing me. It was supposed to be a fun thing, but like…I regret it for some weird reason??? I guess I regret it because it didn’t mean anything. I’m stupid and I think…I think some part of me wants everything to mean something or be something grand and impactful. I don’t think I would because I have a policy about not having regrets and apologizing rather than trying to take something back.

46. Yep!

47. My dad.

48. You bet your ass I do!

49. YOU BET YOUR ASS I DO!

50. Once.

51. Sometime in August, I think?

52. I fucking hate most musicals. And that’s not in a cutesy, snarky, “ew, musicals” way. Honest to god, I think I might have some kind of trauma because of my abuser. I was never a fan of most musicals, but Theater Kids (and we are talking the kids who scream and rave about musicals every day or make headcanons and sing their asses off, and that’s great for them, but it is exhausting for me) have ruined that experience for me. People kept trying to make me a fan of them and that made it worse. And then I was in one and that’s how I met my abuser, and it got so much worse after that. And yet here I am, still doing musicals. Being in them is exhausting. Talking about them is exhausting. I don’t mind seeing them, I guess. But some part of me just can’t jive with them. I love Little Shop of Horrors, but that’s just about the only one, really. And I feel really sad when I think about that because my best friend hates it and that’s really distressing for me. Like, it’s the one musical I can really vibe with, totally get into and down to. And they hate it. So, like, cheesy? I guess, since the only one I actually do like is campy as hell.

53. No, not really.

54. Yes!

55. Don’t know.

56. Astronaut (which I can’t be); firefighter; archaeologist; scientist; guitarist in a band; and writer. Which is what I am now. And want to do as a career.

57. Yep.

58. Every fucking day of my life. It’s the worst, because I can’t tell if the thing actually did happen or if that feeling is because all my dreams are some kind of weird, mundane prophecies about my very normal existence.

59. No.

60. Sometimes.

61. Sometimes.

62. Mostly pajamas or just my underwear. I used to sleep in whatever I had on because I was too lazy to get undressed. I used to sleep in jeans a lot.

63. Weird Al.

64. T…Target?

65. I don’t know? Adidas?

66. Neither???

67. Peanuts.

68. I don’t think I have one.

69. I’d like to, but I haven’t.

70. Hm. No clue! I’m not marrying anyone at the moment, so, I don’t know who my future spouse is or what they’d do!

71. No.

72. I wish.

73. Fuck, man, all the time. Finn mentioned linguistics in a presentation once and I actually cried because someone mentioned the thing I love. Hell, I tear up a little now thinking about it. It wasn’t even the focus of the presentation. I just cry all the time.

74. King Dork, Stargirl, or American Gods.

75. Don’t know cus I barely study.

76. Nah. Most scents don’t do anything for me.

77. Yeah.

78. I don’t know.

79. …I think it was the Weird Al one? I dunno. I can’t remember. But I may have only been to one concert in my life so far. Unless we’re counting all the times I’ve seen my friend’s band, but that’s less of a concert more of a “We’re a rad as hell band playing in this basement tonight!’

80. I don’t drink tea.

81. Neither.

82. My dad’s. Literally any of the kinds he makes are good.

83. I used to be able to. I was a really good swimmer. Now I get scared if I have to jump in water. There was one day I actually couldn’t and I froze up on the edge of the pool. And I can’t put my head under because I just kinda…like…forgot how to do the breath thing with swimming. My body’s a fucking mess.

84. Not really.

85. I’d like to think so.

86. Why not both?

87. A couple.

88. No.

89. I have not eaten either.

90. Who gives a shit?

91. Have one in every room!

92. I don’t…I dunno, man. I look at the future a lot, and I just kinda see “single (or at least unmarried) dad and his 50 adopted kids.”

I cannot believe whoever this is asked for all 92.

Who's MC - Chapter 8: The real me

A/N: This chapter contains a lot of spoilers on Seven's route, just like the other chapters. But I just feel like alerting you again. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Besides, for many of you who might not know, accept for my readers on tumblr, MC's name is Aelianne. And her twin's Lillianne. I will post their info in the next chapter. Hope you don't feel uncomfortable when I give them names. ヾ(๑╹◡╹)ﾉ" And by the way, this chapter has way too many monologues but I hope you would bare with me. ---------------------------- It was a long day to both Seven and you. Even though he didn't show much, and solely focused on his work but you didn't even need to look at him to know that he was already drained. At this pace he will collapse sooner or later, not that you looked down upon his stamina and mental power but you had common senses. Anyhow, you also needed a blast of caffeine, despite the fact that it was already five past two A.M. It's not like you have never hit the wall of frustration before, but this time it was different. You were not only frustrated but also agitated to almost murder someone. It was tough to just barely keep yourself calm and composed, which was a rare sight, even to you. Have you ever gotten this irritated, for someone else before? The guy already had enough on his plate already. Risking his life going against the agency by rushing over to save you, found out his twin was the hacker, spent all day recovering the special security system which was a WHOLE lot of works, being bashed by the RFA members for being careless and agreed to let you live with a bomb etc. As if it wasn't enough already, V decided to came around and asked him to friggin' not touch THE LOVE LETTERS in the drawers?? Could he be anymore insensitive? Yeah, right. You could "totally see" the reason why he could earn such absolute trust from Seven. Since V was the most "responsible" leader, who has the "couldn't be any better" timing and who would definitely be rewarded with the title of the "most sensible man on Earth" for prioritising his and his dead's girlfriend's love letters (not trying to be offensive, just stating the truth) over two random beings whose lives were "totally not at stakes" right now. ヾ(๑╹◡╹)ﾉ" As if! He better had a valid explanation for what was going with Saeran. And if you found out he was also involved with the disappearance of your sister, man, you were messing with the wrong kind of person. If anyone dares to touch a single strain of her hair, you swear to God you will pay them back 10 times whatever they have done, or even thought of doing. Clang! You looked down onto your hand to find it dripping in blood and a big mess of the broken mug that you were holding onto earlier. It seemed that you lost control over your power in a moment that your temper took over you. The noise was loud enough to not only startle you but also Seven who was sitting in the living room. He rushed over as soon as he heard the clash. "What happened? Are you okay??" You could hear his worried voice long before his tall, slim figured emerged in front of the kitchen's arch doorway. Didn't even wait to recover his breath, as soon as he walked into the kitchen, his gaze was immediately fixed on the blood oozing out from the cut on your hand. Before you've gotten the chance to react, he rushed over to your side, "Stay still, don't move! You will step on the broken pieces. Just wait a sec!" Then he disappeared into the bathroom and quickly returned with the emergency kit. Seven carefully picked out the remaining broken pieces of the mug on your hand before cleaning the wounds, his face was all tensed up from concentration that even his brows were squeezed together as he frowned. Judging by how well he tended to your wounds, he was either very familiar with treating the wounded or... he himself gets injured quite often. Even though you secretly wished that it was not the second option but deep inside you knew, he must have gotten himself in danger so many times that he doesn't bother to count anymore. Just thinking of how he would return from a mission, all wounded and alone, sitting in his apartment and slowly treating his own wounds, you felt your eyes started swelling up and water dripped from your eyes. Seven seemed surprised when he felt your tears dropped on his hand, he immediately looked up and worriedly gazed into your teary eyes. His voice also softened, "...Was it hurt?" You shook your head as soon as you heard him said so. Of course your hand didn't hurt, what harm could this tiny cut possibly cause you? "Just stay still, I am almost done... Don't cry, really... I don't know what to do when you started crying. You can hit me, just don't cry okay?" Idiot. How could I hit you? After he was done with patching up your cuts, he also cleaned the mess on the floor. "...You shouldn't have touched the pieces with your bare hand like that. It was dangerous to do so..." "I didn't touch it. I... broke the mug with my hand." As soon as you said it, he looked as confused as ever... ".. You are joking?" ".... Yeah I was joking." ---------------------------- Seven was not a great liar, especially when it comes to sentimental affairs, he could barely keep up his role as the bad guy without slipping up on his true feelings when you got hurt. Probably that's why he managed to capture your attention out of all people. Working in your field, just by randomly going through the list of people you have met and worked with in the past few months you could definitely picked out a dozens of guys who could possibly "suit" you better. But what does "suit" even mean? What are the guidelines? Mr. Right was simply a subjective label that people place on their favourite human out there. So, shouldn't you be the one to choose the human that you favour? It must have been hard on him within the past few days, keeping up with all the works while also trying to cope with his irrational thoughts. You couldn't bring yourself to blame him for snapping at you earlier either. Especially after what he said to you when you pretended to sleep earlier. **** ""Aelianne..." His voice was as soft as a slice of butter melting in a cup of lukewarm milky coffee, as he called your name, with a tinge of disappointment mixed with relief. "You're asleep." Though you were not really sleeping. "You've been talking all day but you're so quiet when you're sleeping. You're so weird, you know that?" If he knew that the normal you's talking frequency wouldn't even come close to the half of the time you initiated a conversation with him, would he be surprised? You were not always the talkative type. Yeah, you won't deny the fact that you were always a jokester. You were making jokes here and there, dealing with every obstacle coming your way in the most chill attitude ever, nothing seems to be able to catch you by surprise. Everything was a perfect role play to cover up your true identity. When you first joined the RFA solely with the purpose of investigating your sister's disappearance, you also unconsciously putting on the mask as a form of defence. However, the more you've gotten to know Seven, the more the real you started to resurface - the you that you thought has long disappeared since that day... "I must have hurt you by saying all those things, but you still managed to be bright..." I am not... I just... understand what you were going through. So I don't blame you. You thought to yourself while trying to hold back from saying your thoughts out loud. "You can get angry at me... but seeing you reminds me of the 707 I am in the messenger. I suppose you're really like 707. But I suppose you and Saeyoung are nothing alike." He paused for a bit, as if he was trying to swallow the bitter truth before continuing. Saeyoung? "Saeyoung is so dark and pessimistic that he cannot be with you... I want you to know that." I see, his real name is Saeyoung... "I can no longer wear the mask of the happy-go-lucky 707. This complicated and icy person is me. I want you to realise that and be disappointed. So please don't waste your feelings on me. I am not a fun cool person... I can put you in danger." Please, don't say that... The tighten sensation in your chest made it difficult to breathe properly. "But you're a strange person, so you won't understand what I say. So I think I'll end up hurting you again tomorrow morning." Please, stop it... "No, you're not a strange person... The one who's strange is me. You're actually so warm and nice. So I sometimes dream about you some day accepting the real me." Stop it! That's not true... I am not like that at all. "Of course it's a ridiculous dream... but thank you for letting me dream at least." "Aelianne..." "Please remember in your dreams. Don't trust V... and even me. Don't give your feelings to anyone in the RFA." "Please be less nice to me... so that you won't be hurt when I disappear. Don't trust anyone and be safe. And forget about me and be happy." "Letting me protect you... is much more than I deserve. That is enough for Saeyoung." ****** There was a saying that you learned back in the day, when you were still a regular patient at the psychology clinic. "The dark days were there so you could appreciate the bright ones." The pain you felt, and the endless battles you fought, they weren't meaningless. When something is taken away from you, it was so that you could be gifted with something different. And in your case, it was a heart that is no longer fully intact that could recognise and empathise with those who are in pain. You knew what he's going through, how terrible he feels about himself, about what happened, how regretful he is when he trusted V and above all, the chaotic, awful ocean of thoughts that he was swimming in with disorientation while being interrogated by the demon inside his head. You know it all. Because you know it all, you felt terrible for lying to him all this time, about who you were. The actual you. If he be happy to know? Or will he end up pushing you away as well? Will he hate you? Will he be hurt? You don't know. But, well, it couldn't possibly be worse than lying to him any longer. The sooner you say it, the better. Even if he ends up hating you, at least you tried. For the first time in your whole life, you seriously thought about spending the rest of your life with someone. It started out as a spark of light, flickering in the world of darkness and void of yours. It wasn't a big deal at first, since most light disappeared from your world just as quick as it appeared. But regardless of what you've thought, it stayed and started growing. Before you knew, it has already lightened up the whole sky with its golden glowing light. As secretly and sneakily as it could, the spark of light has brought hope into your world. And at that point you realised, he was the human you were looking for. You didn't know what will be waiting ahead of them, and how much help you could be. But you know one thing, as long as you can make him happy it doesn't matter. Even if it means you need to risk your life. ----------------------------- It was already late, and he couldn't sleep. The work was almost done, but it was not the problem. It was the disturbance in his heart that kept him awake. He said it. He told you about the real him, the side of him that he abandoned in order to save his brother from their own mother. From that hell hole. That's what he thought. That he was able to save his brother. But he was wrong, he trusted V too much. Whatever happened to Saeran was not supposed to happen. And you was also not supposed to be tangled in their group's bamboo shavings. He loves both Saeran and you, but he hurt both of you. Why can't he do anything right? All he ever wished for was a normal and quiet life with his beloved people. Was it too much to ask for? Sitting outside in the hallway, he suddenly heard the sound of someone playing bamboo flute. Was it the neighbour? No, the sound came from your room. Were you awaken by the noises he made...? He didn't know you could play flute. Actually, he barely knew anything about you. Aside from the most random profile he found about you after doing the background check on you, he didn't know much. Not even your likes and dislikes. Let alone your talents. Instead of coming inside, he just sat still and wholeheartedly listened to your playing. He didn't know the name of the song, but he could feel a sense of sadness and loneliness in your playing. Were you sad? Probably, you were hurt by his words before.... Without a notice, the sound was disrupted. After a few seconds, you opened the door and came outside. To his surprise, you said. "Let's talk. I have something to tell you."

Understanding Elizabeth Midford

So. I don’t usually involve myself in petty fandom feuds but HOLY. SHIT. This is pissing me off. We’ve gone through 100+ chapters and people STILL don’t understand Lizzy’s character? They manage to rationalize Kuroshitsuji enough that they give Sebastian feelings even though he’s a hungry demon who made a pact with a 10 year old boy because he sensed his soul was broken, desperate, and malleable to more further corruption. They manage to do all this for a DEMON but can’t find it in their hearts to apply that analytical mindset to a darling 14 year old girl whose human emotions drive her every decision?

“She’s selfish! She only wants to make Ciel smile so things can go back to the way they were!”

“She doesn’t understand him! She’s always trying to change him, that bitch!”

“She’s so ANNOYING. Like, her voice!”

“Oh my god, did you see her standing there in the third panel? Like who does that! RUDE.”

So in an attempt to bring some basic level of cognition into these…“arguments” I’m going to go through them one by one and you can disagree if you like. But please refrain from using derogatory terms, unsubstantiated arguments, and referrals to “proofs” that are nothing more than blog posts made from those who wish to paint Kuroshitsuji in terms more favorable to them and whatever else they ship. 

1. “She’s selfish! She only wants to make Ciel smile so things can go back to the way they were!”

Elizabeth Midford is, by far, the LEAST selfish person in the whole damn manga. This girl spent most of her childhood loathing the physical strength she possessed because the person she loved didn’t like it. She chose to shoulder her anguish by HERSELF because she didn’t want to burden Ciel (or her brother or her mother or her father) with her personal worries.

Lizzy is also incredibly aware that things can NEVER go back to the way they were. She expresses this concern to Sebastian when she admits that she wishes Ciel would talk to her more and that the only reason she overdoes her cuteness is because she wants to see Ciel smile. Why are comedians so outlandish and over-the-top? Because they want to see their audience laugh. Lizzy took that mindset and applied it to her goal of cheering Ciel up. Furthermore, the Easter egg chapter proved ONCE AND FOR ALL that Lizzy is perfectly aware of the change that’s occurred within Ciel—that he’s no longer the happy, smiling boy of years past.

Lizzy KNEW Ciel didn’t remember why the egg was nostalgic and if she was really selfish, she would’ve thrown a fit—had a full on temper tantrum then and there but instead, what does she do? She outwits the game master himself. Lizzy sets up an Easter egg hunt that she made up completely off the cuff, wears a happy smile throughout the entire event, and when Ciel hands her the egg what does Lizzy do? She laughs and wishes that the egg would bring CIEL lots of happiness. HOW IS SHE SELFISH? HOW. Selfish would be throwing a tantrum because Ciel didn’t remember the way things used to be. Selfish would be bringing up the past EVERY FRIGGIN SECOND. Selfish would be forcing Ciel to comply to the shared etiquette of their past.

Instead, Lizzy is SELFLESS. Instead of throwing a tantrum, Lizzy wishes Ciel happiness. Instead of bringing up the past, Lizzy tries to ignore it because she knows it makes Ciel uncomfortable—that’s why she’s never asked him about “that month” even though she desperately wants to know what’s happened to the boy she loves. And instead of forcing Ciel to behave the way he used to (sweet, sympathetic, loving), Lizzy is learning to accept him for who he is now—how many times has Ciel ignored her? How many times has Ciel left the country without telling her? How many times has Ciel purposely hidden things from Lizzy and then disregarded her concern with a wave of his hand? Lizzy is learning to accept this new Ciel—this closed off, distant Ciel because she KNOWS something terrible must have happened to him. Because instead of crying and whining like she did at the beginning of Black Butler when Ciel refused to take off his ring, Lizzy has learned to ACCEPT. And that, my dears, is called character development—something Ciel hasn’t undergone since the beginning of this manga.

2. “She doesn’t understand him! She’s always trying to change him, that bitch!”

There is NOTHING about Ciel that Lizzy is trying to change. If anything, it’s Sebastian who’s always prodding and provoking Ciel to become darker—more cruel, less empathetic, and more focused on getting his revenge. She threw a party for Ciel at the beginning of the manga because she thought that might make him smile—fun colors, fine music, seeing Bard and Finny crossdressing…heck, even Ciel took a page from Lizzy’s book when he dressed the F5! It probably took Lizzy HOURS to choose Ciel’s outfit, decorate the mansion, coordinate the whole event and it probably hurt like hell to see Ciel dismiss all her hard work so casually.

As a reader, it’s easy for us to say “HELLO. Doesn’t she know? He was abused and tortured by the cultists! He made a deal with the devil to escape that wretched place, how could this dumb broad think a simple party would cheer him up?!”

And the answer is…Lizzy has NO IDEA what happened to Ciel. (Hindsight is a gift, ain’t it?) She has no idea that he became so desperate to escape the cult that he sold his soul to a starving demon. Lizzy is does not know what Ciel went through and this boy is doing his damnedest to make sure Lizzy never knows. Because he wants to keep her pure, ignorant, and encased in light.

People always point to the party chapter as Lizzy trying to “change” Ciel but all she wanted was to put a smile on his face. She even admits that she overdoes it at times but everything she’s done comes from a good place. Everyone wants to see their loved ones happy and Ciel is the boy Lizzy loves best of all—of course she’s going to try everything under the sun to try and put a little smile on his face.

And Lizzy DOES understand Ciel, to the best of her ability. She’s never once asked Ciel (or Sebastian) about his time in the cult. She uses games to figure out Ciel’s secrets. (Ex: Easter egg hunt—this is where Lizzy knew Ciel was only pretending to remember their Easter tradition and where Lizzy’s suspicions were confirmed—something life changing and drastic DID happen to Ciel during “that month.”) She doesn’t force Ciel to take her to public events because, let’s face it—as the only daughter to a high ranking marquess that serves directly under the queen, Lizzy’s bound to be invited to dozens of soirees a week. And as a gentlewoman of the aristocracy, Lizzy’s going to need an escort. In Victorian times, it was typical that the fiancé escort his bride-to-be but here is Lizzy—sweet, traditional Lizzy—ignoring precedent because she KNOWS Ciel dislikes social events. (Keep in mind, this is information being pieced together by a 14 year old girl who’s been taught to be an “unknowing angel.”)

Elizabeth understands the change that’s come over Ciel, knows that he won’t be interested in the same things he was interested in before. But in spite of Ciel shutting her out, in spite of Sebastian’s constant presence, Lizzy is still working her hardest to try and bring some happiness to Ciel’s life because she loves him. She loves him so much that Bravat was able to take Lizzy’s desperation and devotion and use it against her.

Let’s not forget—the reason Lizzy continued seeing Bravat was because she thought he could help her make Ciel happy.

3. “She’s so ANNOYING. Like, her voice!”

I think this is the most common excuse people use to not like Lizzy. They critique her high levels of energy (even though Finny and Soma are equally vivacious), her love for beautiful things (even though Ciel is probably the vainest little boy in the whole of London, England), and the fact that she “doesn’t understand” Ciel (counterargument already presented above).

You know, in a lot of ways I see Lizzy as a Scarlett O’Hara figure—strong, determined, unflinching in the face of danger. But also very, very misunderstood. Lizzy only behaves with an exorbitant amount of energy because she wants to make Ciel happy —to bring some sunlight into his gloomy, pessimistic world. The end results are not always successful but the intention behind Lizzy’s every action is pure—as pure as Soma’s decision to help Ciel simply because he saw him as a friend. Lizzy puts on a vaudeville for Ciel in a misguided attempt to help him heal and move on from whatever is tormenting him.

4. “Oh my god, did you see her standing there in the third panel? Like who doesn’t that! RUDE.”

Black Butler is told from the perspectives of Ciel and Sebastian. We only get brief glimpses into Lizzy’s psyche so it’s impossible for us to codify her completely. What I do know is that some people out there will always hate on Lizzy—whether it’s because they dislike her voice (well that’s her VA’s fault, not Lizzy’s) or because Lizzy “gets in the way” of someone’s ship. I’m not here to reason with those who refuse to be reasoned with. This is me expressing my adoration for a flawed, misguided, but pure of heart character whose unconditional love for a changed, callous boy makes me admire her all the more.

Oddly enough, people seem to relate “understanding” a person to “knowing exactly what happened to them to make them this way.” And to me, this is really giving Lizzy an unfair shake. By this definition, Lizzy could never understand Ciel because she doesn’t know what happened to him in that one month that’s made him the way he is (reason: he flat out didn’t tell her and uses every opportunity to prevent her from finding out. Ciel is so concerned about protecting Elizabeth’s goodness/light/purity that on the Campania, when Sebastian was slaughtering all those Bizarre Dolls, Ciel shielded Lizzy from seeing the carnage because he wants her to remain innocent and unaware). To quote Albert Einstein, “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”

I think Lizzy understands Ciel—she can sense the pain, the resignation, the drive towards something greater that Ciel is working towards. This is best exemplified in an early chapter (after Ciel’s fallen asleep and Sebastian is serving her tea) where Lizzy expresses sorrow that Ciel won’t tell her anything. Sebastian comforts Lizzy by telling her that while “It’s a difficult question for me as a butler…[I can tell you] one thing…He [Ciel] was able to spend a nice, free day with everyone.” To which Lizzy retorts that she wishes she could believe that. Elizabeth may not know what happened to Ciel during that month, but she understands.

This then brings me to my next and final point—people wanting Lizzy to “accept” the situation by stepping aside and leaving the manga. Well, to quote Michael J. Fox: “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” — And this is exactly what Lizzy’s doing. She’s fighting for a way to help Ciel, to help him move on, to do anything that might benefit it. Lizzy’s accepted the situation but she’s certainly not resigned for it—Lizzy’s a fighter, and she’ll continue fighting for the boy she loves until the very end.

Further discussion is encouraged. But, please remember: refrain from using derogatory terms, unsubstantiated arguments, and referrals to “proofs” that are nothing more than blog posts made from those who wish to paint Kuroshitsuji in terms more favorable to them and whatever else they ship. I am not disparaging other characters or ships—I merely ask that you don’t refer to those “did you know” blog posts that’s caused so much strife in the Black Butler fandom. Thank you.

I Won’t Say I’m In Love (Ch. 1)

I finally did it kids. I’m finally writing a multi-chapter Miraculous fic. I plan for this to be 15 chapters or so. Here’s Chapter 1. 

Words: 1.8k

Summary: Marinette Dupain-Cheng is madly in love with Adrien Agreste who is Chat Noir who is madly in love with Ladybug who is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. After a sudden burst of confidence, the two decide to confess to their individual crushes, and both get rejected. Now Marinette and Chat Noir turn to each other for comfort- but soon realize they may be getting a little TOO close for comfort, and just end up trying to deny it, like the ridiculous losers they are. 

This is based on an animatic by @pepper-bottom. This is the post, which you should DEFINITELY check out: http://pepper-bottom.tumblr.com/post/157630245482/this-whole-thing-started-after-i-rewatched#_=_ [AO3] [FFN]

Chapter 1

Adrien was determined.

Like. SERIOUSLY determined.

He’d made up his mind. What he felt for Ladybug had gone on long enough. It had been 3 years already for God’s sake. He’d loved her since he was 15 years old, and he was 10000% convinced he’d love her till the day he’d die.

Which could be any day now, considering his rotten luck.

Adrien had been thinking about doing this for a while. He’d contemplated every scenario in which he’d confess his love. Every possible outcome. He’d even practiced a couple times on the huge Ladybug poster on his bedroom wall (that no one was allowed to see, ever).

Well, a few times.

Maybe 5 or 6. Or 100.

Honestly, he’d lost count.

But that’s beside the point!

The point is that now, Adrien had finally, FINALLY- after months of research and contemplation- cooked up the perfect algorithm to determine what the best possible way to confess to his darling Ladybug was.

Tonight, while on their bi-weekly patrol, Adrien Agreste will finally confess his undying love for His Lady. 

Hopefully, some of her good luck’ll rub off on him.

Hopefully. --------- “Are you sure about this, kid?” Plagg asked, munching on a piece of Camembert while Adrien took his phone out of his pocket so he could take it with him after he transformed and slid on his shoes. “What if she rejects you?”

Adrien rolled his eyes and sighed. “A little faith in me would be appreciated.”

“I’m literally the god of bad luck. Forgive me for being a little pessimistic.” Plagg responded,  “Plus, I’m thousands of years old. I’ve seen some shit, kid. Just tryna be realistic here.”

Adrien furrowed his brow, slightly pouting, and opened the window. “I’ll deal with it. Now get in the ring.”

Plagg harumphed. “Fine.”

“Plagg! Transforme Moi!”

As soon as the transformation rolled down Adrien’s body, he leapt out the open window, kicking it shut as he bounded off to see his Lady at their rendezvous point. He was a big boy. He knew the risks of what he was about to do.

But...what if she does reject him?

What if-

It’ll be fine, he quickly reassured himself. Ladybug loves you- romantically or otherwise- and that’s all you really need anyways.

Besides, he reasoned. We’re destined for each other. 

Leaping over rooftops with practically lightning fast speed, he arrived at the their meeting spot on the roof of Notre Dam in no time. There, his Lady was waiting for him, eyes trained on the starry horizon, seemingly deep in thought.

She was beautiful. Like, stunningly so. Sky blue eyes, ebony hair. A lean and obviously muscular form- yet still soft and almost chubby in certain places. Her beauty was just...captivating. He could spend hours counting every freckle on every inch of her skin- though he was unfortunately restricted to just the skin on her face and neck by that spandex suit she always wore- starting with the spray of them across her cheeks.

He stood and stared for a moment.

No matter how sure he was this morning that he could do this, nothing could’ve possibly prepared him for the way his heart skipped a beat and leapt into his throat. The way his stomach sank. The way his legs seemed to get heavier with every step.

No. His brain screamed. You can do this. You made pie charts.

He forced his heart back down into his chest, and stuck that characteristic smirk back on his face.

I made pie charts. I have an algorithm.

Chat stepped forward, and steadied a shaky hand to place on her shoulder, breaking her concentration and making her whip her head around to look at him.

“My Lady.” He bowed, and kissed her hand.

“Chat!” Ladybug pouted, furrowing her brow. “Where have you been? You’re 30 minutes late.”

Cute. All these years, and she still made his cheeks warm. He praised God- or, err, Kwami?- for the mask on his face. He could’ve melted right there.

The pie charts! His brain nagged.

Right. Instead of melting, he stood straight back up and grinned that Chat-like grin.

“My a-paw-logies, My Lady.” Adrien leaned in closer and raised his eyebrows. “Did I make you miss me?”

Ladybug, in typical Ladybug fashion, simply rolled those baby blue eyes. “This may be fun, but this is also our job. Our responsibility. You know that.”

“‘M sorry. I won’t be late next time.” He told her, sincerely.

She pursed her lips. “It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again, please, Kitty.”

“Of course, My Lady.” Adrien extended a leather-clad hand, gesturing towards the Parisian skyline. “Shall we?”

She smiled. His heart skipped another beat. “We shall.”

---------

 The patrol went as the majority of them do- uneventfully.  There was no crime in Paris that night- unless you count a rowdy teenage party they had to crash. After a young woman with a crying baby had complained to the superhero duo about the noise, informing them that she had already knocked on the door three times to ask them to keep it down, they walked over and tried their own hand at the teens.

The look on that kid’s face when he opened the door and saw Ladybug standing there, with her hands on her hips, not amused- with Chat Noir and the young woman with the baby standing behind her- was priceless. Adrien almost wishes Alya had been here to film it.

The boy quickly apologized and lowered the music- much to the gratitude of the young mother.

Aside from that, Paris seemed to be having a chill Friday night- which Adrien was grateful for, because, had an akuma victim appeared, he wouldn’t have the chance to let his Lady know what was on his mind.

By midnight, their patrol was done. He and Ladybug were perched back onto the rooftop of the Notre Dam, just silently enjoying each other’s company, Ladybug leaning on his shoulder, eyes trained on the horizon again.

It should’ve been serene- but Adrien was restless. He’d been anxiously bouncing his legs for the better part of 15 minutes, waiting for the right moment to enact his plan into motion.

He was beginning to have some doubts.

How could he do this? How can he even go about doing this? He can’t just confess to her! She’s Ladybug! She’s smart and funny and brave and sweet and kind and determined and heroic and confident and powerful and-

But you’re Chat Noir! His brain chastised him. And you have those pie charts!

To hell with pie charts! Graphs are not how you win a girl’s affection! Especially not a girl as amazing as Ladybug.

Who was he kidding? What if Plagg was right? What if-

Ladybug sighed, and stood up straight.

“Alright, Chat. What’s up?”

“My Lady?” He turned to her, surprised.

“You’ve been bouncing your leg for leg for 20 minutes now. What has you so restless?” She seemed worried. “You’re usually so happy to spend time together after patrol.”

“It’s nothing.” He assured her.

She didn’t look convinced. “I’m your best friend. You know you can tell me.”

He sighed, standing up before her and taking her hands, pulling her a bit closer. “Ladybug....I…”

“Chat?” She pouted and blinked, batting those long eyelashes at him.

“I...I’ll race you to the Eiffel Tower!” He shouted, grabbing his baton and extending it, already bounding towards the landmark.

Adrien heard her groan and call for him, clearly annoyed, but he just laughed, and kept going. She tried to keep up, swinging across lampposts, but couldn’t beat him after that head start.

He quickly perched on the top of the Tower, standing triumphantly, awaiting Ladybug’s arrival.

“Chat!” She panted. “Why’d you run? Can you please just tell me what’s wrong?”

 He sighed, his stomach dropping again. No turning back now.

 “My Lady,” Adrien stepped forward and took her hands in his again. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

She looked up at him expectantly, those soft, pink lips parted ever-so-slightly. God, she was NOT helping to still his beating heart right now.

“...Becoming Chat Noir was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Adrien started. “I’m freer, now. You don’t know much about it, but you know I don’t exactly have the...easiest home situation-”

Ladybug gently squeezed his hands, comfortingly.

“But being Chat Noir allows me to do so many of the things that I’d never be allowed to do as Ad- as my civilian self. I fight bad guys. I do good things. I get to run and jump and make friends and...be myself. For the first time in forever.

“But...the best thing about being Chat Noir isn’t the freedom. Or the glory. Or all the food that civilians give me for free. Or all the endless cat puns.”

 He chuckled at that. She rolled her eyes, but retained that small smile. He carressed her cheek.

“The best thing about being Chat Noir...is being able to be your partner, Ladybug. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t stop thinking about you. And lately...I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t do...anything. Because…”

“Chat…”

“Because I need you to know. I love you, Ladybug. Like. Really love you.”

Ladybug gasped, softly, and stepped back a bit, releasing her hands from his. She, instead, placed them on herself- one over her open mouth, the other on her chest. 

There was a pregnant pause while he let her take it all in.

“All this time...all that flirting…?” She asked, after a moment.

He nodded, earnestly.

She sighed, shakily, tears swelling in her eyes. “Oh, Chat...I...I’m sorry-”

His stomach sank. He stepped back. 

“But…my heart already belongs to someone else.”

“Someone...else?”

Oh.

“Yeah…I’m really sorry. If- if things were different. If there wasn’t another guy-”

“No.” Chat responded, shakily. “I get it.”

She placed a gloved hand on his cheek, a tear running down her own. “I’m sorry.”

He pressed himself into her hand, clutching it, but gently returned it to her.

“You can’t help how you feel, I guess.” He laughed, emptily.

“But I’m-”

“Don’t be.” He reassured her, gripping her hand again, and wiping the tear from her soft, freckled cheek. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

She looked devastated for him. He felt a twinge of guilt.

“I shouldn’t have...done this.”

“No. It’s okay.”

He turned away, readying his baton. “I should go.”

“...Are we still friends?”

He didn’t look at her. He couldn’t meet her eyes. Not right now.

“Best friends. Always.”

Before she could formulate a response, he was already gone.

And a total idiot.

And once Adrien was sure he was out her eyeshot, he ran. He ran home. He opened his window and, once he was inside, de-transformed, removed his shoes and coat, and dropped himself on his bed.

“Kid…” Plagg started, actually feeling pity for him, for once.

“Don’t.” Adrien responded, numbly.

Plagg placed a tiny, velvet paw on Adrien’s cheek, sympathetically- comforting him the best he knew how. 

Adrien sobbed himself to sleep that night.

Yeah. Very angsty right now, but I promise it does get fluffier very soon. I have a whole plan for this fic. I’ll most likely post chapter two within a few days because I’m feeling a very strong urge to write right now.  I think maybe it’ll be done within like?? a month or two, give or take.

As always, if you wanna request a one-shot or something, go ahead and shoot a request in my inbox/messages and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. If you have a question of some sort, the same applies!

I hope you liked it :-)

This is what it looks like when the #spnfamily is dead set on fulfilling your one and only dream.

On Sept. 21st 2016 I was once again hit with sadness. I cried again and needed to vent. I wrote a post about my feelings and how upset I was that I would never be able to attend a convention with J2 attending. [see post]

A couple hours later my tumblr messenger alerted me of a new message. A message that changed my life.

@ladyroche: “Melanie, I want to help you. Every fan should have the experience and you have many supporters already...” Our conversation(s) went on for hours and, over and over again I explained to her that, if I can’t afford it myself, I have no business going to a convention. Thousands of other fans can’t go because they can’t afford it either, so why should I be given that chance? Why should anyone, but myself, worry about bringing happiness into my life and making sure my dream can come true? Those were just a few of the questions I sent Juli. But no matter how often I said I don’t deserve this and I have zero rights to be granted this one wish, Juli told me... “we [@ladyroche, @lipglosskaz, @electricmonk333] think that, if anyone deserves this, then it’s you. You deserve this and we will get you and your daughter to HousCon.”

I wasn’t convinced... neither of me being deserving of this, nor that anyone would actually be generous enough to support this massive quest. And yet, these three girls proved me wrong. After the first negative reply to Juli’s post, I suggested to call it quits and take the post down. Her answer was short and demanding: “Hells no, we are not taking the post down ever! We are taking you to Houston and placing you in the arms of J2 <3.”

I stayed pessimistic and made sure every donated cent would remain in my PayPal account so I could return it - in case the hate would become too much for me to handle.

Once it all started, Juli kept saying: “It’s happening, baby!” [gleefully quoting Danneel Ackles] - the second my daughter and I were on our way to the airport the quote rang in my ears and I found myself crying tears of utter joy, excitement and anxiety.

By now, most of you have seen the panels on YouTube and gif’ed the hell out of every scene that took place. So, there is not much left to say about that part.

What I do have to say is, that I have never felt so loved as I did during the con-weekend. I was given the opportunity to meet all these amazingly kind and lovely people I’ve only ever seen/talked to on tumblr. Of course, the first person I saw was Kaz ( @lipglosskaz ) - her beautiful smile woke me from a needed nap after arriving at the hotel. After I hugged her silly and spotted Sim ( @electricmonk333 ) at the front desk and patiently waited for her to finish her conversation with the lady there until I could finally throw my arms around her, hugged her long and proper, kissed her head (she’s tiny!) and felt the need to never let go. I’d like to mention again (since some people already did), that the wonderful and very talented Sim won the video contest at HousCon. When they announced the winner, and her name was heard through the speakers I couldn’t believe my ears. I mean, we all crossed our fingers and hoped she would win... but when she actually did I cried so hard I couldn’t calm down for a very long time. Sim walked up the stage to answer a couple of questions about the video and in her speech she mentioned things that just made so happy. I’m very proud of her and happy for her and I... yeah... she was the one who had to calm me down because I was just so damn happy for her winning the contest. I have no idea how, but I managed to record the whole thing - I need to upload it. Or send it to her. It was beautiful. Just like her face. xD

These two cuties, Maja and I got to share a room... best time ever! Because that way I was able to hug them whenever I felt like it. I bet Sim was annoyed with me though. I constantly worried about her... don’t hate me, please. I just love you, Ms. Frosty. Letting Sim go, on Sunday evening, however, was a sad moment. Simply because I’m not sure if it was the last time I’d ever get to see her. Saying goodbye to Kaz was just as sad... even though we didn’t mean to wake her (we had to leave Monday 5am), Maja and I couldn’t help ourselves to give her one last hug and smooches. Let me tell you all a secret: that woman is just as beautiful in the morning w/o make-up as she is all prettied up. Not fair. :P

I love you two with all my heart and I hope that we will meet again. I miss you!

Then Michael (@itsokaysammy) happened and the weekend turned into an emotional hug-fest. I’ve hugged him so many times I lost count. But that’s just what happens with cuties like him. You see ‘em, you hug ‘em, you get addicted. Whenever we saw each other I all but attack-hugged him, there was no escaping each other. I always loved him, but now, where I had the chance to actually see him face to face and talk to him, witness his honest smiles and bubbling with nerves of excitement... I just love him so much. ^-^ *kisses* (I’ll never forget how surprised Sim was when she realized how tall Michael is... xD So cute.) I miss you!

Another victim of my many hugs was the most adorable Kylie ( @sammyhale ). We never really talked on tumblr before. But, once we got to talk for the first time I fell in love with her. She’s so kind and loving and gives amazing hugs. I am beyond happy to have met her and got to spend time with her. She is a perfect mix of cool and shy and sweet. If you don’t love her, well.. you’re just wrong. xD I miss you!

There is one special person, without her I would have not even made it to the airport. This, of course, is not the reason why I love her so much. I love her because she has a heart of gold. She is smart, cute and cares so much it should be illegal. You know what all you’ve done to get Maja and me to HousCon - without you, especially without you, my dream would still be a dream. For that, I’m grateful. But I love you for being a wonderful friend. Thank you, Ally. ( @greatwallofsam ) No, I’m not crying right now. You’re crying. You’re perfect and precious and I miss you!

After one of the panels, Kaz introduced me to Destini ( @crabackles ). That was, by far, the most precious moment of all the introductions I’ve been through during HousCon. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t place a name to her adorable face - so I kept quiet. I treated careful with everyone after all. Because, let’s be honest, many folks would’ve rather not seen me at the con or at least knowing I’d not be able to go. She, obviously, was not one of them. I figured that the second Kaz introduced me with my tumblr URL. Immediately, Destini’s face morphed into a shock-surprise-squee-like-cuteness. “Oh my god. That’s you? That’s you! I LOVE YOU!!!! You are so amazing.” At first, I turned around, checking if she was talking to/about someone else. She’s a pure delight and I’m so happy I got to meet her. *kisses* I miss you!

The last person I got to meet, on Sunday, was the absolutely funny Sarah ( @jensenscomedyelbows ). She all but tackled me into a crushing hug and we fell on the bed in our room. “We made sweet love”, was her explanation of how we finally met! No bodily fluids have been exchanged. I promise. Though, it was a close call. The two of us got along perfectly and I had many interesting and joyful conversations with her. She might have fallen in love with me. The feeling is definitely mututal. I miss you!

Now, let’s get to the part where my dream became reality. ;)

With thanks to all the amazing people I got to spend the weekend with, I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be when the time came to see J2 in person for the first time. While the fundraiser for Maja and me was still running, and we weren’t sure if we could reach the goal, I was set on getting a Sunday ticket only, just so all the expenses could be covered. But someone (don’t worry Ainhoa & Juli, I won’t tell anyone it’s you) made damn sure that Maja and I would get the full weekend experience in form of copper tickets. However, do to a mistake by Creation regarding Sim’s seat, her whole group (which included us) was upgraded to Gold tickets (w/o autographs) before the whole shebang even started. I was crying in happiness for Sim, when they told her she would be upgraded. Though, once the lady said Sim’s group would be upgraded I couldn’t control my emotions any longer. I was shaking and crying and close to passing out. Never in a million years would I have expected this. Not ever. Not me. But it did and with this ‘luck’ we were able to access the famous Gold Panel. My heart was racing and my belly flip flopped so hard I wasn’t sure if I’d die, faint or get sick... or all of the above. Then, when Jared & Jensen were announced my knees felt weak, my hands were shaking and I mentally prepared myself for a face-dive to the floor. That didn’t happen though. Quite the opposite. The second these two dorks entered the stage, a wave of calmness washed over me, followed by an everlasting rush of happiness, with a sidedish of “OH MY GOD... IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?! AM I HERE? IS THIS STILL ONE OF MY DREAMS?!” It wasn’t a dream, it was as real as it could possibly be. Once this realization kicked in, my hand shot up and I was ready to ask a question. Which wouldn’t have been a question. I wanted to give a shout-out to the people who made it happen, who made it possible for Maja and me to be there. Unfortunately, I wasn’t picked.

However, at the J2-photo-op I had the opportunity to talk to Jared for a short moment. I hereby apologize to the people in line, I really couldn’t help myself. I told him that the #spnfamily donated, so my daughter and I could fly in from Germany. As soon as the words were out of my mouth he pulled Maja into a giant hug and squished her long and proper and said “Dankeschön for being here.” I might have been a tiny bit jealous. Not out of jealousy, but because I know my kid, I revealed to him that Maja really doesn’t like being hugged. He said he was sorry and hugged her again. xD She let it happen and smiled at him. It was too cute. Another thing Maja doesn’t like, at all, is having her picture taken. That’s why it was a huge surprise to me when she decided to be in the photo op after all. Two minutes before it was our turn. ;) If she doesn’t initiate it, she will be grumpy and pull a face during every picture. Which was, why she decided to purposely pull a grumpy/annoyed face in the pictures. For the time of my short conversation and the Jared-Maja-hugs, Jensen was mostly blocked by Jared’s large frame. Like, seriously. The guy is so tall. And pretty. I had to force myself to take my eyes off of him and greet Jensen. He, too, was too pretty for his own good and all smiles and kind and thenI explained to them what Maja wanted to do for the photo. They seemed excited and comfortable with it. Thank god. Only when we got to pick up the photo did I see that Jared pointed at the grumpy German kid. ;)) And... why the right side of my neck was tingling and felt so warm. *blush*

In our Jared-Op, Maja wanted to be annoyed again. But before I had a chance to tell Jared, Maja walked up to him and handed him a gift. Gummy Bears, duh, of course. Again, he thanked her in German and I was a little surprised at that, because our J2 op was a few hours prior. For a short moment I had forgotten how smart Jared is and that, apparently, he has the memory of an elephant. “Of course I remember. You were here earlier. Dankeschön again.” Jared said. Well, that definitely made my day. If it was possible to love him any more, then this would have been the moment for it.

I will remember and cherish these moments forever. They were both so kind and sweet to my daughter it was magical.

Saying goodbye to all the wonderful people I met, all the great friends I made, was heartbreaking and I’m still crying because I’m not sure I’ll ever see any of them again. But amazing memories have been made and I will carry them in my heart forever.

When I first began looking for flights, checking air fares for every German airport and making sure I’d get the best deal I also compared regular roundtrip flights to jaw flights. To my surprise, the jaw flights came up with the same price as the regular round-trips. Which was, why we didn’t have to return to Germany on January 30th. Instead, we took a plane to NY - for a 6 days layover.

Why NY? Why 6 days? Because there is a person in NY who I love more than anything and with everything I’ve got. My wifey. Some of you might know her. The fic-reading yous know her... or, you have seen the posts I’ve mentioned her in. I’ve known her for about 4 years. We read each other’s stories without knowing who the person behind the many words was. At some point she was looking for a beta and I offered to help. And so our friendship began. I have never trusted anyone with my writing, other than her. We beta for each other, we brain storm together. But other than our mutual love for writing we simply get each other. A wonderful and deep friendship has been built over the years and, even though some days are so busy that we don’t get to talk, our thoughts are always with the other one. We never met before, and yet, it always felt like we have known each other for decades. We share personal things that neither of us would mention to anyone else. Early on I told her about the possibility of a jaw flight and the second I had messaged her about it she started making plans. Spoil us rotten, was one of them. And boy, did she spoil us. Maja and I had the greatest of times with her and her hubby... and their cute cats. They took us out for lunch, dinner, to the arcade, Statue of Liberty, Times Square, meet family members and the highlight of it all: she invited us to Disney’s Aladdin on Broadway. I have never seen anything like it and Maja’s jaw dropped left and right. The musical was absolutely amazing and getting to experience this wonderful show side by side with my favorite person on planet earth... well, let’s just say I’m slowly dehydrating because I’ve been crying so many happy tears within the past two weeks.

My beautiful wifey is an avid reader and one of the most talented writers (she writes more than those fanties we share in the fandom) I know. For weeks my daughter and I tried to come up with a gift to bring her. I know she would have liked something to remember us by, something to keep forever, something from our hometown. Unfortunately, our hometown is kind of sucky and we didn’t find anything worth bringing. I had to think it over and then, at HousCon, Megan Padalecki happened. Megan, as well as her parents were at HousCon promoting/selling her latest book. And I knew right away: What better gift to give a reader/writer than a signed book? As I greeted all three of them, Sharon Padalecki noticed that I wasn’t from Texas - or the US for that matter. So, I told her that I’m from Germany and that’s when Gerald’s interest spiked up and I talked to him about their vacations in Germany and the Autobahn... and how we both love the no speed limit. “The next time you’ll go 170 on the Autobahn you’ll remember me”, he said with a bright smile. I did, on our way home. I promised Megan to wear two seatbealts... but, since my car only has one for each seat I couldn’t keep that promise. Don’t tell on me. Fun fact: Three times I almost bumped into Gerald Padalecki at the hotel, because my legs were a little too fast. Not to mention when Sarah and I were in the elevator, it dinged open and he stood outside.. asking which way we’re going. He needed to go down - we up, so the doors closed. I said to Sarah: “So, that was Gerald Padalecki.” She looked at me like I have two heads...she had no idea who didn’t want to ride in the elevator with us until I pointed it out. ;)

Anyway... Megan signed the book for my wifey and my day was made. A few hours later Maja grabbed her pocket money and got herself a book as well... and, it shouldn’t be surprising - the elephant memory runs in their family - Megan remembered me... even remembered my wifey’s name.

None of this would have been possible without the genorosity of: [in order of incoming donations]

Juli, Alain St., Kathleen v.W., Tony K., Sim, Anna B., Kathie M., Nancy R., Kristina B., Yvonne Ch., Brett T., Kaz, Steph C., Catherine R., Andrea B., Charlene F., Samantha M., Mia P., Paula Ch., Ann-Chrstine P., Sally B., Ainhoa, Ally, Emily R., Taresa K., Mirijam M., Katherine H., Dorota W., Sarah J., Kenedy A., Laurie St., Kerry D., Melissa B., Stephanie G., Beatrice B., Bronwyn D., Catherine M., Erica M., Sally B. Jessica G., Sandra K.

Without Juli’s determination and optimismn I would have nothing to write about and nobody to thank for. All of this, is because of her love.

Thank you. Each and every one of you. Thank you for letting me live my dream, for giving me happiness... thank you for the millions of tears I’m still shedding.

Thank you #spnfamily.

I miss and love all of you!