#like I felt like I was going insane bc the only person who said anything was a jayroy shipper
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I assume that Jason misconception poll was talking about how the New 52 obliterated Roy's characterization, but even still. Like yeah, that's not MY Roy, but it is a Roy and it's not a lie or misconception to say that one is friends with Jason. And even if it were, it'd be a Roy misconception, not a Jason one
No fr like that's not Jason's fault?? Like that's not on Jason at all, he genuinely is friends with Roy. Also I'm so sick of people saying that Lobdell ruined Roy and Kori "for Jason's sake" as if Jason's characterization isn't entirely fucked in that comic as well. All of them were badly written and guess fucking what they came out the other end and they're friends now it's not a misconception and it's certainly not fucking gaslighting??? It didn't belong on that poll and it definitely didn't need to use that kind of wording
#it's fucking infuriating is what it is#roy harper#like I felt like I was going insane bc the only person who said anything was a jayroy shipper#but you don't have to be a jayroy shipper to have read rhato or rh/a or even just the one scene in hic#where Bruce goes to tell Jason that Roy died and he's so clearly immediately affected#just like bsfbsgjdgkdy people started shipping it FOR A REASON and it's because they ARE genuinely friends#it's like pretending that spideypool didn't have their team up comic for years cause you don't ship it#those two things are entirely separate. you can't pretend they didn't become friends at some point cause you don't think it's well written#(and personally I don't even like the spideypool team up comic!! so it's a perfect analogue imo)#also don't use gaslighting to talk about dc insisting a friendship that is real does exists that's not fucking gaslighting holy shit#rhato#dc#gail speaks#ask#anonymous#jason todd my beloved#jt
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safe and sound
“you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now.”
pairing: finnick odair x reader
summary: in which finnick shows up at your doorstep and vents his heart out.
warnings/contains: fluff, idk tbh lmk if i should add more
requested
a/n: i combined this with another request bc they were quite similar but tysm for the requests anons 🫶🏼 btw i didn’t really know how to end it im so sorryyy it’s bad. actually this entire one shot is bad 😭
As the sun set, you watched it from behind glass, captivated by the colours adorning the sky. It was something you rarely did, mostly because you had an insanely busy schedule as a former victor who lived in the capitol.
A knock on your door, however, ruined the one moment you had on your own. With a sigh, you walked towards the door, wondering who was visiting you at this hour. When you opened, you were surprised when you were met with Finnick. Yes, the Finnick Odair. The victor from district four who you had grown a fond friendship with. And had on whom you had a secret little crush on. “Hi, finn?” You questioned, rather than said, wondering why he was at your doorstep out of the blue.
Your relationship with Finnick was… difficult. The two of you had shared a kiss and admitted your feelings to each other before, but nothing really came from it. Mostly because you were both scared what would happen when the friendship you shared would blossom into something more. Besides, you hadn’t talked to him for quite some time.
And yet here he was standing silently in front of you. There was something about him that just didn’t sit right with you. His usual cocky and confident attitude, was replaced with an entirely different one. “Well, come in.” The door creaked when you opened it further and you cringed at the sound of it. He walked towards your living space, as if he had already been here countless of times, which he had of course.
It was like his second home before it got complicated between the two of you.
You closed the door behind you, before following him, a million questions filling your head. He didn’t utter a word, staring at the same sunset you had been watching only a minute ago. “Finnick, is everything alright?”
And it was as if that was his tipping point, because he suddenly stumbled into your arms. You were taken aback, that’s for sure, but you hugged him tight nevertheless. You cooed sweet nothings as tears left his eyes like a waterfall. While soothingly rubbing his back, you let him cry his eyes out, not caring that your sweater was now soaking wet from his tears.
“Finn, whatever it is, just let it out.” You said softly, waiting for him to have cried it all out. The man holding onto you for dear life felt ashamed for breaking down like this. But after what he had been through that night, he just couldn’t bottle it up anymore like he usually did. And when he realised it, the only person who he would want by his side was you.
“Sorry.” Finnick mumbled with his head rested on your shoulder. And if you weren’t so close to him, you probably wouldn’t have heard it. He pulled away, one of his hands lingering on your waist, as he wiped the tears on his cheeks with the other. He had been looking down the entire time, but when he finally looked up at you, you could see the pain and fatigue in his eyes. “Oh, finnick.” You put your hand on his cheek and he leaned into the comforting touch.
After he had calmed down, the two of you sat down on your couch. The same couch you were sat at when you finally admitted your feelings. But none of that was important at the moment. Finnick told you about everything he had been going through since he became a victor at the age of fourteen. The man in front of you told things you could never imagine anyone to go through. Your heart broke for Finnick the more he explained and you wished you had noticed this all sooner.
You drew him in for another hug, telling him you would do anything for him. You assured him, “We will get through this together and make sure nothing happens to you anymore. I’m here for you, Finn. And whatever you need, you can ask me.” Finnick nodded knowingly, wiping away the tears that had fallen down your face because of his story, “I know, love. You always are.”
“I know it’s hard, but whatever happens, you’re safe and sound. With me.” You grabbed ahold of his hands and pecked his knuckles lovingly, his heart skipping a beat. A small grateful smile made its way onto his face as he drew you in closer, wrapping his arms around you while you rested your head on his chest. It was as if a weight had fallen off of his shoulder and he let out a contented sigh.
He indeed felt safe and sound. With you.
#finnick odair#fluff#finnick odair x reader#finnick x reader#the hunger games#thg fanfiction#thg finnick#finnick odair x you#finnick oneshot#finnick x y/n#finnick fluff#finnick imagine#hunger games finnick
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read a post about there being next to no record abt the historic edward little again (we dont even know what he looked like!!!) and now im thinking a lot about how he died in uniform again.
hes far from the only character to die in uniform (the marines die in uniform! franklin dies in uniform!) and he isn't even the only lieutenant to do so (gore, under his slops, was in uniform; fairholme, too presumably; irving famously wore his coat that hickey steals later; george wore something that used to be his uniform when he got eaten but imo atp he did not wear it as A Uniform anymore that were just the clothes that he had on if that makes sense) but at the end, he is the only one where i still felt that it was an active choice to wear it.
almost everyone else sheds their layers along the way or turns into something else, but ned starts in uniform and he stays in uniform and that's it.
fitzjames famously sheds his vanity and dies in his shirtsleeves, without any of the pomp and pizzazz of his uniform.
jopson, another character who is to me really connected with a certain mindset of holding up appearances, dies in his shirtsleeves, believing himself abandoned by the very person that was his reason to even wear a uniform at all.
goodsir as a doctor/assistant surgeon doesn't really have a uniform in quite the same sense as many others but when he dresses himself before his suicide it is not as an affirmation of his role, or at least not a positive one. he has sworn to do no harm, but he was forced to do it anyway and now he will add a final evil to his toll of sins in the hopes to balance the scales at least somewhat and for that to work, he must wear his outfit as always. he ends up with all pretenses stripped bare anyway.
tozer, a man so proud of his uniform in the beginning, again, dies in his shirtsleeves, no rank left, betrayed by someone who had convinced him to give up everything and yet! reduced to nothing but an ordinary man, he tries again where before he had given up. he cooperates, he coordinates, he even calls crozier captain again, he tries very hard to do the right thing in what looks like a no win scenario from the get go!! and he fails, of course, but he tried.
almost everyone else also ends up either dressed down (bridgens, armitage, dundy, des voeux etc) or somehow transformed (blanky, to some extend silna with her patched and bloody furs) or in hickeys case, both (iconic underwear & greatcoat combo). little never changes. he sometimes has a little scarf, theres the bandage for his headwound for a bit, he sometimes wears the full parade uniform with epaulettes and sometimes just the regular one, there are at least two different uniform hats and ofc you can tell that he loses weight by the way his shape chages under all that wool but he is always. in. uniform.
and maybe this is just my mind making up dots to connect but i think he might even be the last character that crozier ever gives an order to in his official function as a captain (in the tuunbaq seduction/boss fight scene he has been stripped of his rank, at least according to e.c.).
before his final scene, all we get is little arguing over the orders they are given, and how to interpret them. and he is still wearing his uniform!!! wait hold on im not gonna check but maybe he might only wear a jumper in the tent where dundy lauches his soft mutiny actually, so maybe this whole post is crumbling like a domino line but!!! ignoring this. moving on. (even if it is a jumper i remember him wearing sth dark blue aka Uniform Colour so im claiming it doesnt even matter bc spiritually that hypothetical jumper still is a uniform. im not going to let anything like "accuracy" and "real details" fuck up my post smh 🙄. im joking. however! Moving On as i said) (edit: i rewatched the scene and it IS his uniform actually, just v rumpled. going insane btw)
he doesnt even dress up for carnivale! the only other characters that are not in costume are jopson and crozier and they were literally too busy keeping crozier from dying to even begin thinking about joining the communal arts and crafts session! little is atp the acting no2 of the expedition so u might say he was busy but fitzjames has the overall command and still finds time to have a little gender moment in private and the imperialism-approved version of it for the Big Crowd!! (u could ofc argue that fitzy Always has time for a gender moment and who would i be to argue but my point is: i have no doubt that man was fucking busy preparing carnivale & beginning to prepare the walkout and there still was time to Express Some Character!! so how come ned didn't do anything?)
the one other scene we get where we can catch a small glimpse of characters out of their element before it all unravels (pre tuunbaq attack on the camp) is the scene at night when morfin gets shot. it shows lots of characters in various states of undress (silna big blanket burrito i love you) that allows us to see them differently, like their costumes at carnivale did, but in an entirely opposite direction. while carnivale was about putting on masks, this scene is about taking them off. and it drives me insane because i know that little must be there. he is somewhere in the crowd when morfin gets shot but so far i havent been able to make him out and i need to know what he is wearing so bad. it is actually for science (my own curiosity) ! i really need to know. and i cant help but feel that maybe it is intentional that he is just ~somewhere~ instead of In Front of the Fucking Camera because, well. that would be just ned little, wouldnt it? and we dont even know who that is.
#edward little#the terror#can u tell i got my brain fried by working on our research project paper all day until we finally turned it in at midnight#we met at 12 and didnt leave the library until it closed and then we went home to one of the members and continued working there#and now i am still sitting in the hallway from when i came in through the door even thought its past 3am bc im just so done#nothing left. no energy no braincells no filter. which is why u get this unstructured wordvomit#and i try to find the strength to get up from the floor so i dont fall asleep here. okay goodnight#cavetext
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aita for not inviting a friend of mine into my dnd campaign?
so i (18nb) have a friend (18nb, Martin) who i play in a main dnd campaign with with all our other friends (Ill name them Dan, Virgil, Mark, and Ray). Dan is our DM after we kicked out the old one bc she was horrible. We're a pretty close group of friends, but lately we've all been really busy with respective school & work, ect. so we didnt play dnd for a solid, like,, 4 months. I DMed a one shot for everyone besides Ray cause she was flaky anyway, and added in my boyfriend Zeke for it.
Everyone had a really fun time w it and I loved everyones characters, especially Dan's. I watch a lot of dnd shows, so i just keep getting more ideas- but while the one shot was fun it was messy as hell. Ive been wanting to write a campaign for a smaller group for a while, (because when i tried making a campaign with the whole group the character creations were... disappointing to say the least. this sounds mean but i created a fairy world that was very magical & told everyone to go crazy on character creation in a world with few/no humans, and like 5/6 people opted to be a human with a fighting class :/ )
ive been writing a campaign that im really proud of and have a good vision for, and decided to include Mark (because we're best friends) Zeke (because he wants to play dnd more and has no opportunities) Dan (bc he never gets to be a player) and then another close friend of mine outside the group named Gabe (who i love but never get to see) I love their characters & we're all super excited.
Thing is. I was briefly talking with Dan, Zeke and Mark about it at school bc I'd sent everyone a little intro message for the world and they were all super excited and wanted to talk to me about their classes. Virgil had no problem with this and was excitedly asking abt the world + characters along with some other friends from school, but Martin got quiet and went and sat by himself. I could tell they were off, but Martin is generally a quiet person anyway and is often sad + doesnt want to talk for like a hundred different reasons, so i left her alone. Later that day in a different class I have with Virgil he showed me his phone where Martin had sent him a message saying she was really disappointed & felt left out that i hadnt invited them to my campaign.
i instantly felt bad and started to text him, but,,,, to be honest, i dont think im at all responsible for this.
i have reasons for leaving Martin out, the main one being that they just..... arent a very active player. Hes soft spoken and doesnt actually like rping their characters- her character in our main campaign is/was literally mute bc they said they didnt want to have to speak as him. (theyve since taken this back and went through with a curse breaking thing to be able to speak, but her character,,, still doesnt talk much.) he writes really good, sad backstories but doesnt actually play or do anything with them and gets uncomfortable acting. Their characters are not only emotional, but like. crazy. they play a bunch of cool tieflings with insane magic classes & features and then, again,,,, dont roleplay them. I didnt want the group to be big and had a good reason for including everyone that i did, and our other friends that arent in it (Virgil, Ray who is Martins sister btw, all our other d&d interested friends at school) literally dont mind at all. i just wrote a campaign that theyre not in. Martin also has their feelings hurt very easily, so to be honest i just find her being sad about not being in it just... stupid. id never say that to his face & i get that he feels bad, but like....cmon.
im aware im a very very incredibly low empathy person- to be honest i struggle with depression and bpd very heavily and am often mean to my friends & loved ones without really processing why or how much it affects them. i told Virgil that i thought Martins reaction was stupid, and he said that that wasnt fair bc Martin had always been in my campaigns before (which is, yknow, one. Martin and I were even in a campaign with a completely different group a while back and Martin willingly left it very early because the group was loud & their character wasnt doing anything (yeah)). Every time Martins expressed (or i guess not expressed) sorrow for not being invited to it ive just sort of ignored them. this again isnt that uncommon cuz when shes sad he doesnt like to talk about it, and also they havent directly confronted me with this at all.
ive been talking about the campaign a lot because it occupies frankly a lot of my brain because i have so much to write, and i especially talk to the people that arent in it bc theres no risk of slipping up and telling them something they arent supposed to know. The other friend, Gabe, is friends with Zeke and Mark and I, and Dan is good around new people,, but Martins really quiet around people he doesnt know well, so if i invited her anyway they'd probably play the game even less than they already do.
again, im really bad at having an actual perspecitve on this. Virgil said he feels bad for Martin but not for himself, as far as i know Dan doesnt know about the situation, and i literally just dont wanna involve Mark and Zeke (Zeke HATES conflict and when people fight so he really doesnt have to be involved.) Mark Martin and I have all been really close friends since literally 7th grade and I guess Martin especially feels left out that I involved Mark and not them but Marks both really good at character creation and also talking in character, and like, hes my best friend who i do everything with.
I dont wanna blow off Martins emotions but but i truly dont give a shit that they feel betrayed by my not inviting him. especially because they havent bothered actually telling me this. objectively i dont think its my fault even a little, and Martin is really horrible at handling their emotions anyway (this isnt an insult, just a fact. i am too). aita for not inviting him + not caring that shes upset by it and acting like they arent?
sorry this is so long i really like providing context
What are these acronyms?
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hey everyone, so ive had a lot of time at this point to ruminate and have had conversation after conversation about everything going on and i truly and genuinely mean this when i say i think so much of my thinking and immediate reactions were entirely based in fear, anxiety and grief that i didn't give myself the ability to view the situation as it is.
ill say from the beginning ive always chosen to view this in a worst case scenario perspective. not just for myself, but also i think dismissing the victim ESPECIALLY those using anything to dismiss her literally instantly is really icky and so ive always looked at this with the perspective of everything (more or less) being true. now with that in mind--i dont think this entire thing was nearly as black and white as i initially thought it was. im saying it straight to save everyone the time to try and figure out my perspective, but after talking with people and thinking about real life, how people irl would view this and DO view it and other instances of this exact scenario happening both online and in real life: this is truly just not the horrible morally bankrupt incident i thought it was.
i thought a lot about how i wanted to go about explaining my perspective or if i even wanted to bc i really didnt want this to he seen as "dream defense" or align myself with the people who have had that stance since the absolute beginning bc they are srsly insane, but this is more for myself and for anyone who felt like they didnt have a perspective they resonated with throughout all of this. this is one of the first instances where i felt a genuine dissonance between my thoughts and feelings and my friends in the community whose thoughts i have always always valued above anything else, often even my own, especially when i was struggling with feeling conflicted out of fear and grief. i always clung to the people whose opinions i trusted (and still do trust dont get me wrong) because it felt easier than having to sort my guilty and scared conscience into rationality that could possibly oppose the people ive always looked to for guidance in discourse. just that fear on being on the wrong side of history and such. but like i said, this long winded and horribly overserious essay is for me more than anyone else--if not for people who have struggled with the exact same shitty time.
ill say the absolute first thing: it was not grooming. i held this opinion literally the entire time and people calling it grooming are not only using the term wrong but genuinely causing harm to such a serious topic. we are talking about two adults in a relationship with an age difference of four years like holy shit. when the first girl dropped her story, almost everyone came to the conclusion that it just wasnt that serious because he thought she was 18. with the second girl, she was one month from 18 and the dms from before turning such were genuinely the driest conversations in the world that he never initiated or made any notion of pursuing. this isnt to say you cant be icked out--the point of me talking about this isnt to make you suddenly change your views on anything but to try and claim that it was grooming or a crime took place is just wrong and dishonest of everyone. this is such a large part of where my personal dissonance with everyone's takes came from bc the way people were trying to claim that liking an 18 year old as a 22 year old was something akin to literal pedophilia (<- bc people WERE genuinely saying this) made me feel confused but also deeply guilty because i really just did not understand. and now that im less miserable, i can recognize that that confusion wasnt just linked to parasocialism or whatever deep twisted thing i thought was in my soul, it was literally just not the big insane evil everyone made it out to be. again, this isnt to try and say you individually cant be like "i dont like this" or "this is icky to me" or "this was bad judgement on his part" (<- which is my personal view btw) but to pretend it is some strange insane act of an active predator genuinely boggles my mind. i dont want to chalk everything up to being covidbrained but i think its a huge part of where this dissonance to real life comes from because i really do think if most of you sit down with genuinely and utterly normal people, they will not give a fuck about this. ive SEEN people have conversations about this with noemal people irl and have them literally laugh in their face bc of how deeply unserious it is. and again, i want to reenforce that doesnt mean YOU dont have to care, but to act as if this isnt an objectively undeep incident between two people is odd, especially to the degree ive seen.
now i cant just say this and be done so lets talk about the next part that people had an issue with: fan and creator power dynamic. ill also say this very straight: when the stuff came out with both girls i had a much larger issue with the "age gaps" than i did this for so many reasons. ive always, even before all of this, had my own opinions and such about ccs and fans ever having relationships and it usually along the basis of "as long as there is consent and mutuality, i have no real issue." its not strange to me that people want to be with people they like and idealize and vice versa. to keep this as objective as i can with this perspective, i wont get into thoughts that for dream specifically it especially doesnt surprise me in the sense that his past relationship + facing vitriol from every corner of the internet but fans + overall paranoia could have absolutely reenforced the normalcy and reasoning in this judgement call but i digress. i mean just obvious examples of people wanting to get with celebrities, or groupies or even in platonic ways where fans become genuine and actual friends of creators--ccs having relationships with fans was never a big deal to me personally. and since its relevant to mention in this case, ESPECIALLY online ones. im not saying there cant be power imbalances among a fan and a cc/celebrity, but to get like theyre all inherently like that again just makes zero sense to me and never has even before dream. this applies especially online where power dynamics are significantly dampened from what they can be and just i mean logically, dream has been a full blown cc for like a little less than 3 years and only at this level for maybe 1 or 2 without experiencing it in real life too. the idea that he himself would not see an issue with this, especially because it was a mutual exchange of company, is so completely unsurprising. and at its core, there really is no real issue in it of itself. a bad judgement call from dream? yes and ill stand by that since he shouldve been better safe than sorry. morally bankrupt and manipulative? 😭 no, not after really assessing shit rationally. i also want to add that it was a mutual thing. i know people are really trying to tear everything amanda says apart (<- which is incredibly strange btw, especially if that was your instant reaction and you were doing it publicly too), but taking everything shes saying as true, we know that there was a MUTUAL exchange of things of a sexual nature and this wasnt some manipulative one-sided exchange where dream controlled everything and gave nothing in return. this isnt to say that amandas feelings are entirely invalid or anything along those lines, but those feelings stem from miscommunication and not morally bankrupt predatory behaviours. like seeing all of the info and looking at the situation as it is, its very clear dream saw and believed this to be a mutual relationship. i was so confused and scared and panicked seeing words like "groomer", "innocent", "guilty", "predator" and others being thrown around i didnt even want to try viewing it for myself. but now that i have and now that ive talked to others, this entire situation reads as a bad break up more than anything else, not a strange manipulative abuse of power where mutuality is nonexistent.
overall this entire situation was framed so horrifically and i was tearing myself apart so much about feeling confused, it genuinely did not hit me the extent of just how deeply unserious it was until a friend of mine told me how they went out with their normal, most unchronically online friend, told the situation in the most objective way possible, and they literally laughed in their fucking face 😭 i also started thinking about real life instances of this happening like if it was another cc, a random tiktoker, an actor and realizing i literally would not care--and significantly less people who are as up in arms as they are would care too. and that ignores the fact that it was ONLINE, compared to in-person where whatever power dynamic could exist would be amplified by a thousand.
this entire thing is just so entirely subjective and if your personal opinions and values find this all shitty, absolutely no one is going to try and say to feel otherwise, at least not me. but to completely ignore that its just that--personal--values and opinions that determine how you view this, and act as though it is objectively some morally bankrupt, impossible to understand, predatory situation just feels reactionary and disconnected from real life at best and just shitty and even virtue signalling at worst. and also dont get me started on what some of you twisted that charity event in technos memory into because fucking shame on you, but ill make a separate post on that later maybe.
this really isnt meant to be a form of "dream defense" because if i was taught anything this past week it was that the way i connected so much of my own conscience to my ability to defend dream and his pr was and is entirely unhealthy, and it was all a wake up call--just not towards dream. the level of miserable agony i experienced, not even mostly because of what dream did, but because i felt like i couldnt DEFEND it, was dangerously all consuming and i dont want that anymore. its just not a healthy way to engage with any media, the need to constantly justify it in every single instance, and especially not with a cc. i want to be able to just see drama and controversy ride out and not have it feel so utterly all consuming, even if i do choose to comment on it. im making this statement bc like i said, it really sucked to feel like there was no public voice i completely agreed with and i realized that i could do that role if i wanted. and honestly, its just been very cathartic for me to write all of this out after feeling like an echo chamber of other peoples thoughts and my own grief the last week.
this community disappointed me in many ways, both the freaks who jumped on any baseless thread disproving amandas claims, dissected her behaviour, was very strangely dream defensive and chose to do all that shit PUBLICLY too. but also the people who chose to use this as an opportunity to act in the most reactionary strange ways that felt so virtue signal-y it was nauseating. i know the people who held/hold the views i did also dealt with the guilt and fear i did too, and thus no one was willing to so deal with the mortifying ordeal of a) sorting through these thoughts and b) saying them in any kind of public space even with just close friends, but ESP on a public blog. i mean, that was literally me. but it really fucking sucked to have just these two extremely polarizing and extremely isolating opinions be the only available voices 😭 my thoughts are getting very rambley now and i apologize, but i hope my points are getting across.
this is already insanely long, but ill start wrapping up. if you disagree with me, obviously thats fine. like i said, this was never made with the objective to change peoples minds which arguably was what my usual dream discourse essays was meant for sometimes. this was made for me and for this specific perspective to have light for anyone who wants or needs it. all i hope is that if you do come out of this with anything, is some form of awareness. of either real life, your opinions or even just yourself i dont know.
i really did love my time on tumblr so so fucking much. and i loved the people here even more so. i think i owe it all to you guys and just my blog itself to say my thoughts on shit, no matter if any of you agree or not. plus i mean if this flops i surely never have to face the consequences if im leaving anyways so peepoClap. thank you all so much for everything, and if you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my bullshit. i dont know if after this ill still leave, but regardless, it feels wrong to not make some homage to such an impactful place in my life. impactful people too :)
thank u all for reading again, and good fucking night !
#this is maybe the longest tumblr post ive ever made but i think it needed to be#i bet lots of you are sick of reading about this too but this still felt important to post#i already said so much in the essay itself so i wont keep going in the tags too#just love u all very much. stay safe everyone ❤️#hope this brings some perspective to anyone if they want it :)#dream situation#discourse
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greatest fear (3)
series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.
chapter summary: bucky has to learn to deal with the fact that things don't always work out the way we want them to.
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: +5k i think
warnings: none? angst, that's for sure
note: hello!!! i think it's been almost a month? but better late than never. this didn't came out like i wanted at all, but i'm still gonna publish it bc i don't dislike it that much. i probably could've approach the subject way better. maybe i'll edit this someday. anyway, i do hope you all like this and give it some love 💜 i'll try to keep it up to get you guys pt 4 sooner, but i don't promise anything. feedback is always appreciate!! thank u all!!
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Everyone already knew Bucky's greatest fear. He had spent years being untouchable, seemingly the only person on the team who wasn't afraid of anything, not even living on the edge. They had spent years getting used to seeing the inscrutable face of an emotionless man. And they'd spent years thinking that was never going to change. To be honest, Bucky believed the same thing. As he resumed his “normal”, ordinary life, he felt that there was nothing he hadn't experienced before and that, because of that, there was nothing that could really hurt him. So why bother worrying about anything, why be afraid in the first place?
Bucky used to be an unflappable person. Even after meeting you, after confessing his feelings for you, after knowing that you might be a weak spot, Bucky still thought he wasn't afraid of anything. What's more, with you by his side he considered himself an invincible person. Unreachable. The people around him saw him as so sure of himself that they never once doubted that he could be the most fearless man in the world.
Until you had the accident.
Bucky began to see the world in dark colors. He had been afraid, yes, he had said so many times. But he was also struck by how close he had come to going insane. The people around him had ceased to view him with respect, but with concern. He had never allowed himself to be seen that way, because even if he had ever felt in a similar way, he had never been as strong as he was that time. He was at a point of vulnerability that was almost incomparable to anything that had happened in his life before.
The level of despair and stress he was dealing with from the moment he found out about your accident until months later when he knew how to manage his emotions, he couldn't quantify it in a rational way.
And the people around him were sympathetic, but he still hated that he had let himself be seen that way. The quivering mess he'd become since he found out about it haunted him like a symphony echoing in his head on the highest note. Sometimes it wouldn't let him think, wouldn't let him remember, wouldn't let him live. Even being there in a room with you, there was nothing but a din of incongruous notes crashing against each other, without any harmony, without any order.
At other times there was silence. A deafening silence sometimes accompanied by a beeping that increased as the minutes progressed. The voices were echoes and the images were blurred figures in the distance. There was nothing else in his head but space to process the silence.
Everyone knew Bucky's biggest fear, and it had caused him some long-term problems that he still didn't know how to handle. Since everyone knew that, he was no longer the fearless Bucky, the most daring person. Now he seemed to be perceived as a walking time bomb, even though he seemed to be the one who handled the situation the best… well, not from the beginning, but he learned to cope.
He hated that that stage of vulnerability had become so embedded in the memories of others that it was now the only thing they evoked when they thought of him. He hated that consideration. As much as he wanted and appreciated the support, he hated when it came from regret. From condescension. Of the wary glances. Like tiptoeing around him in fear that he would explode at any moment.
That was how Bucky felt at that moment. With everyone watching him around him, thinking that at any moment he would freak out and start screaming at each of them.
“She's okay now,” Bucky heard Natasha's voice flooding the room that had become the recipient of an imperturbably uncomfortable silence. Her voice was neutral, calm and patient, like the others', even though their faces showed incomparable chagrin.
Bucky let out a long sigh and let his gaze fall on any object in that room.
The rain was lashing hard against the city that day. The drops bounced off the large window and fell swiftly towards the end of their ephemeral life where gravity used to drag them down. The cold crept into the building through every crevice it could find, as if seeking any refuge from itself within the warmth of the human structure.
Bucky didn't plan to ever feel fear again.
He was constantly surrounded by worry, but tried to reassure himself that you were in a safe place surrounded by people who were willing to protect you. Until Steve appeared running down the hallway of the rooms shouting his name, and then yours, and then named Dr. Cho. A peculiar combination of words but they were enough to push him over the edge.
He had never run so fast from one end of the building to the other since that fateful day.
Memories slipped as fast in front of his eyes as raindrops did that day, swept away by the restlessness of his mind surrounding almost possible catastrophic scenario. Bucky knew he shouldn't do that, but telling him not to was like going against nature.
The worst part was that he couldn't see you as soon as he got to the medical wing of the Complex. He could barely make you out through the glass doors.
And so hours went by.
Bucky stayed in the next room waiting for some news, when one by one the others began to arrive.
Near midnight Natasha appeared and finally gave him good news.
“They stabilized her and are now waiting for the drugs to take effect.”
Bucky nodded at her words and the vibe in the room finally changed. Sighs of relief and comforting words leapt into full view, but Natasha didn't take her eyes off Bucky.
“What happened to her?” he finally dared to ask, though he knew the answer the moment the redhead entered the room.
“They still don't know. One moment they thought it was cardiac arrest, then a stroke, then she had seizures. But finally she was just… still. At some point she regained consciousness and said her whole body hurt. The doctor gave her some medication and now she sleeps. All her vitals are fine, like nothing ever happened.”
Bucky was not thinking clearly. He had understood every single word that came out of Natasha's mouth, but he couldn't pin his thoughts down to a single idea. His mind was conjecturing at an incomprehensible speed and it was causing him severe irritability that he couldn't come up with a solution.
“Did she say anything else?”
“No.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
--
It had been six hours when you woke up. Bucky had settled into a chair in the corner of the room, not too far or too close to where you were lying, and was trying to get some sleep, but worry wouldn't leave him. Steve accompanied him for a while before he had to leave on a mission, and Natasha stopped by at some point to drop off something to eat before leaving, just like Steve, on a mission. After that, he must have spent about two hours trying to fall asleep, but it seemed an impossible task. The constant sound of the machine monitoring your heart kept him unconsciously aware of his surroundings. And, even if there were no external stimuli to keep him awake, his mind would have done so. The fear, the panic, the hopelessness…. He almost feared that you would never even wake up again.
His body almost reacted to your movements because he opened his eyes just as you were beginning to move on the gurney.
“Y/N?”
Rising from the chair, he began to slowly approach you, even though his body was begging him to run to your side and wrap you in his arms. He watched you move one of your arms to cover your eyes for a moment, before focusing your gaze on his.
Your frown did not bring him good news.
“Where am I?”
Finally reaching where you were, Bucky pressed the button on the side of the gurney to call the doctor, his heart heavy and aching. That those were the first words out of your mouth should have made him understand what had happened, and in a matter of seconds the limbs of his body shook with a shudder. But it couldn't be like that, he couldn't go through that again. Bucky was not in the capacity to go through that again.
He was promptly convinced otherwise and focused on your confused expression.
“You're at the Avengers Complex in Washington.”
“What do I do…?”
“You were in an accident. You lost consciousness for several hours.”
The dazed expression on your face didn't change and Bucky's nerves ascended with each passing second. The words came out of his mouth as an automatic response and your face contracted taking in the reality, but you didn't seem to make peace with understanding. The few things Bucky had told you seemed to only worsen your state of confusion.
“Do you know what day it is?”
When you shook your head, Bucky felt a cold chill run through him as if he were standing in the middle of a heavy snowfall. The fear he had deprived himself of and had almost prayed he would never feel again was making its way through his mind and body, and if he didn't stay calm things were not going to go well.
“It's November fourth of the year 2023. Do you remember anything about this year?”
You shook your head again. Your expression was starting to change from confusion to fear and Bucky knew he had to do something soon to keep you from being consumed by the feeling.
“No… No, I don't understand… what's going on. It's like my head is totally black. There's no-I don't see…”
Your distressed gaze met Bucky's and your bewilderment bordering on concern caused a pang in his heart. He felt like he could die of a broken heart at that moment. He didn't know what the look on his face was, but he knew it must not be as neutral as he wanted it to be because somehow he had to let out the feeling that was choking him at that moment. It seemed like that look Bucky had on his face gave your tears permission to start bulging in your eyes.
“I can't remember anything. At all,” you sobbed. “I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't remember what happened. I don't remember who-”
Bucky watched your eyes move around the room and noticed how you clenched your hands on the sheet. Your breathing becoming ragged confirmed to him that you were about to have a panic attack. Of all the times he had done it before, he automatically reached out to you and took your hands in his. He swallowed the feeling that wanted to overpower him and the hopelessness in a second. He couldn't leave you in that situation at that moment. Your glassy, big eyes turned to his.
“You're okay right now, okay?” with your eyes locked on his, still breathing erratically and your heart about to burst, you nodded slightly. “Okay, then breathe with me and then we'll talk again.”
Bucky took a deep breath, lifting his shoulders and not taking his eyes off yours to urge you to mimic him. He stayed in that position until you did the same, taking a shaky breath and tightening your fingers around his hand. The tears wouldn't stop coming and the sight almost made him cower in the corner of his head to cry with you.
“Now let the air out of your mouth slowly.”
Exemplifying your words, Bucky let the air out and you mimicked him next, still not letting go of the trembling.
Bucky took another deep breath and you followed suit, expelling the air once he did.
Like that, again and again.
And again.
And again.
Until you could only stare into his blue eyes without a single thought in your head.
“Feeling better?”
You nodded without a word.
Bucky could notice your lowered shoulders and the few tears on your red cheeks, so he ventured to let go of your hands. He didn't let it go unnoticed the way your eyes parted from his, after so long, to observe the place where your hands were joined. You intertwined your own hands and let out a sigh. Bucky had to swallow again the feeling and the urge to move closer. It made him angry inside because he thought he had already learned how to handle the distance and because he didn't think he would have to go through such a scenario again, but life is full of surprises.
“I understand that you're scared and worried, okay? But I want you to try to stay calm for a while while Dr. Cho asks you some questions and runs some tests, are you okay with that?”
Bucky watched as you shook your head as he pointed behind him to where there were two women standing in the door frame who he had heard enter a few minutes ago, but didn't acknowledge their arrival until you were calm and willing. He was dying to know what had been going through your head as you cocked it and frowned slightly watching the women.
“Yes,” you barely mumbled, but Bucky could hear you perfectly. He could hear you even in any kind of crowd.
With a heaviness in his soul, Bucky got up from the gurney and gave Dr. Cho and the nurse, Christina, room to pass.
He took a few more steps away, until he was near the door, and it weighed on him to see how your eyes did not leave his figure. He didn't know whether to leave or to stay there waiting for them to finish. He didn't want to leave you alone, that was clear, but the pressure in his chest grew stronger with each passing second, and he wasn't sure he could stay any longer if you kept looking at him like that. Like he was the only person in the room, like he was the only person who mattered, like he was someone you remembered… but you don't. You don't remember him. Not anymore.
--
Bucky found himself wandering around the Complex until he decided to settle on the rooftop. He thought that spending that time alone wouldn't do him much good because his mind would replay over and over again the moment when you had that frightened expression on your face again, and then he wouldn't have time to try to calm down and regain his composure. And he did. For a few minutes.
Bucky let his mind snap. The tension building up on his shoulders was too much, and if he didn't let it out, he feared it would explode inside him. He was thankful to be alone at that moment because he didn't like to cry around people. Not just crying, but expressing too much in general.
At that moment he was crying not only for his suffering, but for yours. Because more than not wanting to go through it himself, he had to think about what you must be feeling and thinking, being in a completely foreign environment and with strangers proclaiming to know you more than you know yourself. Bucky hated the thought of you having to go through that again, even if you didn't remember the first time. Bucky was crying on that rooftop because once again life had robbed you of the well-being you deserved, because you could no longer spend a moment fully aware of yourself.
More than his pain, Bucky ached to think of yours.
And what could he do about it? Nothing. Just like last time.
He didn't know how long he'd been there, arms resting on the edge of the rooftop overlooking the green field around Complex. He only knew it was around noon when Tony Stark opened the door behind him.
“You must be hungry,” was the first thing the man behind him said, trying to lighten the tense mood that must have been surrounding Bucky at that moment. But no, he didn't have time to think about mundane things.
“Not really.”
A silence settled and he knew Tony must be weighing whether or not it had been a good idea to show up there knowing he was alone. Bucky really didn't mean to be hostile, he just felt too much anger and rage against life and the universe inside his body that he wanted to get out somehow. It wasn't the right thing to do, of course, and he was trying to control himself, but he didn't deny that it would be difficult.
“I'll leave it here, anyway. Just in case.”
Bucky caught the sound of the bag and then the sound of Tony's shoes that weren't moving away but coming closer.
“Thanks.”
“It's the least I could do.”
“And you didn't have to. I was almost going down anyway.”
Tony snorted, moving closer to the wall where Bucky was leaning.
“Surely you don't even know what time it is.”
“Surely,” Bucky agreed, nodding.
Both men took a detailed look at the trees stretching a long distance away in an oddly comfortable silence.
“Did Dr. Cho say anything?”
Tony turned to watch him, and stood for a moment pondering what to say.
“Everything's fine. She ran several tests, but everything came back fine.”
“Everything's fine except her memories are gone again.”
“She thinks it may be some kind of condition left in her brain after the accident.”
“It's been over a year now, Tony.”
“I know. They're exploring every alternative.”
Bucky nodded, getting a bitter feeling in his mouth. He knew he should be grateful you were alive, but damn, did you have to go through all that?
“How's she doing?”
“She's looking good. She hit it off real quick with Christina and was eating with Clint when I came out.”
“And she's eating well?”
“Yeah, the usual.”
Bucky nodded again. Maybe he should come back, stay with you for a while and talk about some things; anything. But every time he thought about going back he felt that tug in his chest that made him recoil from any progress. He didn't want the situation to overcome him, but he was losing the battle.
“Barnes, I wanted to tell you-”
“Tony, it's not necessary.”
“It is, especially at this time.”
“No, it's not,” Bucky spat, shifting his body to stare at the mechanic. “Especially right now, it's not.”
The man pursed his lips and Bucky turned away to look at the lunch that should have been inside the white bag on the table.
“I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. That was it.”
Bucky turned to look at the man who had settled in the same way, both of them with their backs to the green field. Bucky sighed, and knowing Tony he knew he couldn't leave without having his conversation. But maybe that would do him good. It had been months since he'd last talked to anyone about that situation.
“There was no way to foresee it, you know that.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky watched the man shake his head as he did every time someone gave him a similar comment. He just wouldn't accept it.
“I could have been more vigilant, you know? I've spent my life trying to learn from my mistakes, trying to take care of the people in my charge, trying to do my best to keep everyone safe. I still don't understand how… How I could have made that mistake.”
“We were dealing with something bigger than ourselves. I think, even if you had gone all out, there couldn't have been any other ending. And believe me when I tell you I'm the person who would have wanted another ending.”
Bucky crossed his arms over his chest with his eyes on the rooftop floor. His mind roamed over those memories he tried not to return to under any circumstances, and he allowed it only because he couldn't deal with that situation any other way.
“I had to have tried.”
“Tony, I know you did your best. And I also know that after everything that happened you asked FRIDAY a thousand times if there would have been another chance to have avoided what happened. Did you have an answer?”
Tony didn't answer.
“Then it doesn't make sense for you to blame yourself for something you simply couldn't have controlled. I guess that's the way things were supposed to be.”
“It's unfair.”
“Life isn't fair to anyone.”
Bucky stepped away from the wall and reached over to take the bag Tony had brought him. “Thanks for this.”
And without further ado, he walked into the building once more.
--
From outside, Bucky watched you talking animatedly with Clint and Carol. Dr. Cho had told him that, although she had not yet been able to find the reason why you had lost your memories again, you were in perfect health. Bucky wanted to punch a wall, but settled for thanking her for looking out for you.
The day had gotten extremely long and he had only spent a quarter of it with you. It was already dusk and he had barely mustered the strength to come see you. And seeing you there, so giggly and happy, made him question whether he should come in and ruin all the fun. He knew his face was a jumble of a hundred emotions that he still couldn't quite control, because even seeing you caused him a sharp pain in his heart that he couldn't tolerate. So he didn't know if going in looking like that was the best choice.
But before he could weigh it further, your gaze met his through the masses of air, and his breath hitched for a few seconds.
The look of recognition you gave him brought a sense of warmth to his body. It was like wiping a damp cloth over his bruised heart. Bucky knew you didn't remember him, but that in such a short time you could give him that kind of look meant too much to him. Your face looked much more serene than the last time you had seen each other, and you no longer had so many wires around your body embedded in your skin, from what he could see from a distance.
Maybe it was indeed safe for him to enter.
Act normal, act normal…
“Hi, Bucky!” you greeted him effusively.
Bucky felt his body faint. Halfway through he planted his feet on the ground and watched the other two with you hold back smiles. Well, Clint wasn't so sneaky.
“How's it goig Bucky? Did you enjoy lunch? It was courtesy of Tony for everyone.”
“Yeah,” he replied dryly. He knew Clint was trying to keep his spirits up, but he didn't feel moodily ready to keep talking to other people, just to share a pleasant silence with you.
“Y/N ordered ravioli,” Carol added to the conversation, turning to look at your red face. “And she also ordered your lunch.”
Bucky frowned.
“I'm glad you liked it,” you mumbled in his direction, barely audible but crystal clear to him. His heart flipped, and he hated that his mind was trying to remind him of where he stood. He wanted a small moment of ignorance.
He didn't know what to say other than thank you, so he just stood there in front of them in a very awkward position.
“All right, Y/N, our fun is over.”
“You're leaving already?”
Bucky detailed you looking at Clint as he and Carol stretched to leave. He mentally wondered if it bothered you to be left alone with his presence, if you didn't want them to leave and leave you with him. If you saw him as an annoying, grumpy figure. He wondered if the others had said something to you about him that suddenly made you see him in a less sympathetic or friendly light. He wondered if-
“We have a mission to attend, and we're very punctual,” Carol's voice broke in on Bucky's train of thought.
“As soon as we get back we'll be here. We have a lot of other things to talk about.”
“Okay, have a good one!”
Bucky watched you shake your hand in farewell to the two people who were leaving the room and was surprised at how much your attitude had changed since he saw you after you woke up. But hey, it had been a while since then. Maybe you had been able to make peace with what had happened by now, and they must have told you everything?
“How are you?” Bucky found himself suddenly asking.
“I'm feeling fine. Besides the obvious, I'm not in any more pain. Dr. Cho told me I'll probably be discharged tomorrow.”
“That's good,” the man mused. “And you want to talk? About what happened.”
You made a thoughtful grimace that Bucky found quite tender, but his mind conjured up the times when you'd made similar grimaces in the past and he'd planted a kiss on your mouth. It wasn't a good time to reminisce about things like that, and the twinge in his heart proved him right.
“Not really,” you replied. “Why don't we talk about you?”
“About me?”
“Yes.”
“And what things do you want to talk about me?”
“Well, I was told that our relationship was different from the friendship I had with everyone else, so we can start there.”
“You want to know what kind of relationship we had?”
“Mm-hm.”
“We were married.”
Your eyes expanded in surprise, as if you expected any answer but that one. Which was strange for Bucky because he couldn't conceive of what other kind of relationship you could have besides a friendship.
“Married?”
“Yes.”
“But I don't have any rings,” you mumbled as you held up both hands to look at your fingers, then held them out to him, as if to let him see you weren't lying.
“You don't use it anymore.”
“Why?”
“Well…” Bucky didn't know how far to go with his historical account because he didn't know how much Dr. Cho or the others had told you and he didn't want to saturate you with information either. “What do you know about what happened?”
You took a deep breath and brought your hands to your lap as if you had been waiting for that question. It probably was.
“Dr. Cho told me that I had an accident over a year ago due to which I was in a coma and lost my memory. That a couple of months after being in the hospital I was discharged and came to live here. And that almost two days ago I had some kind of incident that caused me to lose my memory again.”
Bucky was taken aback by the matter-of-fact way you told him all that. The only thing that was going around in his mind was how before you didn't like to mention the subject at all and used to avoid it any way you could unless it was strictly necessary. At that moment it was as if you were telling someone else's story and not your own, because not a hint of emotion could be seen on your face.
“Then why don't I wear the ring?”
Bucky held his frown. This was definitely almost that much of a sharp change to the last few times he interacted with you.
“Hum… You've had it removed since the accident and I gave it to you after some time in the hospital, but I told you that you didn't have to wear it if you didn't want to.”
“Oh, I understand. So I decided not to wear it. And where is it?”
“I don't know. You kept it. Maybe it's somewhere in your room.”
“Right. I'll go look for it when I get back.”
Bucky nodded at your words not really knowing what to say. He didn't know how to act in reason to your behavior. Well, it should be good that it didn't seem to affect you as hard as it did before, but he found it hard to believe that it didn't affect you at all. Could it be that it really was?
He couldn't know for sure, but the calm expression on your face was about to convince him completely. The way you looked like you didn't have a care in the world made him feel much better, and he would definitely battle to make it last much longer.
“Besides that, is there anything else you want to tell me?”
Too many things.
“No.”
You let out a short laugh that bloomed in Bucky's chest.
“Then our relationship boils down to: we were married, and that's it.”
The man shrugged, not really having a clue what else to say about it.
At his gesture, you exhaled with a determined look.
“We were close?”
“Yes.”
“Did we make jokes?”
“Yes. You mostly.”
“It definitely had to be that way. Did we go out on dates often?”
“Yes.”
“Did we argue?”
“Not a lot.”
“Okay. Did we buy each other gifts?”
“Yeah.”
“Aw. Did we live together?”
“Sure.”
“Did we sleep in the same bed?”
“Of course.”
Bucky frowned as you stood for a few seconds in silence, just watching his face.
“We had children?”
The man went blank for a few seconds, only looking into your eyes. He definitely wasn't expecting that question, but it was something that had been on his mind a lot before.
“No.”
“Ah. So, did we travel a lot?”
“Yes, we traveled quite a bit.”
“Excellent!” you smiled genuinely at him, with that kind of smile he loved and that since the accident he had almost never seen. If he had seen it, it hadn't been directed at him. “Then we were a good match.”
Bucky smiled. It was almost an instinct. His mind flashed back to the one memory that at the time didn't cause him sadness: sometime, someday, you had told him that some questions had to be answered in a positive way to know if they had fulfilled their purpose of being a perfect couple. He didn't remember if it was those same questions, but he could make the connection to that memory he had of you at the time. Then, for a second, he allowed himself to enjoy the present. No worries, no sadness. You were alive right there in front of him, in an excellent state of health and, it seemed, a good state of mind. Beyond that, what could he ask for? All that was left for him to do was to make the most of every moment he had.
“Yes, we were a good couple.”
--------
A/N
😶😶😶😶😶
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Ok ok ok. You mentioned how you wanted to snort coke off of lalos dick…. Can you write a Drabble about that cuz omg- 🫣🫣
yes bc i am insane 🖤 disclaimer: coke dick is not a myth but i refuse to believe lalo gets it (i also have never done cocaine lul)
warning: intox (cocaine)
“Are you serious? How have you not tried it before?”
Lalo asked that with the same incredulity as if you had just said you’d never eaten an apple before. To him, cocaine and other Schedule II narcotics were normal, boring even. That makes sense. You’d imagine that handling literal bricks of it day in and day out would desensitize you. But he had to know that you were far from the only person that had never tried coke. Most people hadn't.
"I don't know, man! I'd never even seen coke before I met you! Isn't it dangerous?" You asked.
Lalo shrugged. "It can be, yeah, but you just gotta know what you're doing." He walked over to his dresser and cracked open a drawer, rifling through it as he talked to you. "You gotta know how to dose it, how to handle it, and how to stop doing it once you start. That last one's important." He pulled out a locked box and set it on the dresser.
"Right, yeah. I guess that makes sense." You rationalized. Lalo seemed to know what he was doing. This was his career, no, his whole life. He must know how to handle it. You thought of his younger cousin, Tuco, who seemed to snort anything he could get his hands on. Lalo certainly had better self-control than that.
"Most importantly though," Lalo unlocked the box and pulled something out. He turned around to show you what it was: a tiny bag of white powder. Unsurprising. “You gotta know your stuff’s legit. A lot of shitty dealers will cut it or try to sell you something else entirely. I don’t sell anything I wouldn’t snort, and I don’t snort anything I don’t sell. It's a matter of integrity.” He tossed you the 8-ball so you could examine it.
You squished the tiny bag, pressing the powder between your fingertips, the texture obfuscated through the plastic. The way it moved reminded you of powdered sugar. It's funny how something so insidious can seem so benign up close. "Question," you asked, your eyes glued to the baggie.
"Shoot." Lalo replied.
"It's a stupid question."
"I bet it is," Lalo chuckled, enamored by your relative innocence, "Go for it, chiquito."
You led the bag away from your face so you could see your boyfriend. "Is coke dick real? Like you can't get hard when you do it?"
Lalo was stunned. "I've... never had that problem. Where did you hear about that?"
Good question. Where the hell did you hear about that? A junkie friend? The internet? It felt like multiple sources had contributed to this theory. "I dunno, actually. Guess it's just a myth."
"Oh, it definitely is." Lalo strode towards you until you were close enough for him to pull your body against his. Keeping one hand on your waist, he used your momentary distraction to pluck the 8-ball from your fingers. "Want me to prove it to y-?"
"Yes." You said with literally no hesitation, not even letting him finish his sentence. You may have been naïve, but you weren't stupid. Any chance for your man to whip it out was a chance you were going to take.
"Oh, wow, someone's eager, huh? Good boy." He cracked open the tiny bag and stuck his pinky in, scooping the product up with his fingernail. "So, I'm guessing you know what a line is, right? Well, this is called a bump." He held it up to his nostril and snorted it, the powder disappearing into his sinuses. Once he did, his head flew back and he groaned. "Mierda, está bien... (Shit, that's good.)" When he looked at you again, you could see that his brown eyes were almost entirely black, irises being swallowed by his pupils. He nudged you off him so he could unbuckle his belt.
You watched him like a research scientist trying to document the effects of the substance. His hands were trembling as he pulled his belt off. He held the baggie in his teeth to keep his hands free while he undressed. He kept sniffling like he was trying to suck up every molecule left behind. His brow was furrowed. His teeth were clenched. You'd never seen him like this. He looked unhinged. You couldn't tell if your body's growing arousal was from fear or desire. Plus, you weren't sure if you were supposed to talk, but you couldn't bear the silence. "It looks... intense..."
"It is, it is." Lalo laughed as he tugged his boxer briefs down. Now that he had a hand to spare, he took the bag out of his mouth and stroked himself. His cock was already at half-mast before he even touched it, and it didn't take long for him to get the rest up. "You want some? You're gonna love it."
You knew he meant the coke, but your eyes were somewhere else. Your gaze was locked on the bulging veins in both his hand and his cock. Coke dick really was just a myth. You'd have what he was having. "Yeah... yeah, gimme some..."
Lalo sneered and put his hand on your shoulder. "Then get on your fucking knees." He growled and pushed you down before you could do it yourself.
You dropped to your knees on the plush bedroom carpet. You went to grab onto him, but he swatted your hand away as he continued to pump himself.
“No, no. Watch me. I’m gonna give you a line, okay?” Lalo’s voice was eerily nurturing. It usually was when he talked to you, but you expected the coke to change that somehow. He took his hand off himself to open the bag, scooped some out, and placed a pretty sizable bump on his shaft. He hastily poked it into a line. “You know how to snort something, right? Just hold one nostril and sniff. It's not hard. It'll hit you hard, though, so just be ready."
As Lalo held himself steady, you leaned in, poking one nostril shut, and snorted the whole line as quickly as you could. He wasn't kidding. It did hit you hard. It hit you upside the head like a heavyweight champion, and you recoiled just so. You pulled off dry-heaving as it hit you, still holding his dick like a lifeline. When you remembered where you were and what you were doing, one thing, one solitary goal became your purpose, and all your other worries melted away.
Cock.
Cooooock...
Ever the desperate slut, you latched your mouth onto him, slurping up whatever trace of the drug that was stuck to his skin. Though honestly, he was a drug in and of himself. And you were a junkie. You were a junkie who'd do anything to get a hit.
Lalo knew that. He knew how easy you were. He knew you'd do anything for him, so he gladly took advantage of that. He laughed and clenched your hair in his fist as you serviced him.
"Good boy."
#anon#ask#better call saul#bcs#better call saul x reader#bcs x reader#better call saul smut#better call saul imagine#better call saul headcanons#better call saul hcs#lalo salamanca#lalo salamanca smut#lalo salamanca headcanons#lalo salamanca x reader#lalo salamanca imagine#lalo salamanca hcs#intox kink#intox tw
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for me personally the biggest reason why i believe they're going somewhere with macdennis is gang tends bar but more specifically how the episode has such a serious tone. no jokes or anything like that they were dead serious. and if i may, kinda like mac finds his pride. the whole ep felt like it was leading up to smth bigger and it was dennis having a genuine breakdown the entire episode was about him. its like years of burying so many feelings finally came out that is a man who's tired of pretending. and what triggered this was having his friends and his sister misunderstanding him. and then they literally connected an episode 100% about dennis with mac and only him. mac being the one to give him what he actually wanted but not only materially the rpg represents so much more than that. he could've made a joke he could've just said thanks but instead they made him hold back tears to the point where even his voice changed and make him say word by word that mac gave him what he wanted the most in the entire world. bc mac is the only one who ever could. it was dennis' awakening like oh shit he actually loves me he doesn't just wants to fuck me. when mac told charlie in the bathroom that dennis doesn't have any feelings he might even believe that bc its what dennis fights so hard to make him believe and there are stuff mac isn't able to realize about dennis (like dennis being in love with him) but he thinks hes the only who can change that, he knows exactly what dennis wants and he thinks the rpg is gonna make him happy which is what he wants the most for dennis. just to see him happy. and dennis picks that up, he realizes mac can see through everything dennis wants to be perceived as. dennis isn't emotionally available for me vs i'm emotionally involved with mac they were insane for this WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY ALL THIS I HAVE TO KNOW
#i spend days without showing up and when i do its a whole bible i'm sorry 😭#i unironically believe macdennis is the best ship to ever exist bc no ship ever made me feel the way i felt when i watched gang tends bar#and on every rewatch there are more things that i pick up#they make me insane i need to be locked up#macdennis#iasip
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Did you ever mention how you got into kyman? Personally speaking, I got into it (again) around 2020 when I rewatched sp, and I basically fell down the rabbit hole. I’ve been into it on and off since then.
I probably did somewhere, but I'll say it again!
I wanted to see what SP was all about so I decided to just watch the most recent episode/special at the time-- post covid. But I realized, it was a story that wasn't forgiving for newcomers, and I had NO idea who was who. I have vivid memories of being weirded out by the redhead guy being upset about the rabbi dude's wife and kids. Then when he said "did you know that he once snuck into my room and gave me fucking aids?!" I GASPED bc one, it was super out of nowhere, super crude, and two, I falsely assumed like, OHHHHH they're gay exes... that explains this weird behavior. I'm sorry what else was my dumb ass supposed to assume! And I watched the rest of the special viewing them in that context hgkd
But when I started to properly watch the show from the beginning/ hop between episodes, I felt embarrassed for myself, I was like HOW on earth could I have made that false assumption.
I was actually grossed out by the thought of kyman at the start! I knew that Cartman was obsessed with Kyle, and that they did care for each other as friends, but I couldn't fathom Cartman's obsession being anything genuine or Kyle reciprocating. I even made a post abt it on my main as I was watching the show, it might still be in there somewhere lol. I was happy just watching the show as is and I was like, dang! This might be the first thing I get into without shipping anyone!
Then, my buddy @shpadoinkle-day texted me what was practically the kyman manifesto and urged me to "wait till seasons 20/21, it'll change everything"
at the same time, an irl buddy watched THAT moment in Manbearpig w/ me for the first time and went "that's... kinda fruity" and I was also like?? yeah?? damn...
Then I saw seasons 20/21 and it opened up my eyes. I think it was the only seasons I was so enthralled with to completely binge in one night ghfksd and I. was. floored.
Kyle crying over cartman? during a montage of couples breaking up? Kyle being speechless when he saw cartman get a gf? Kyle questioning if he liked heidi, Kyle's stupid ass "we're all going out with Cartman right now", how he inserted himself in the relationship so hard, yet when taking heidi from cartman, talks as if he wasn't doing it for Heidi. His frustration at Heiman was at the very top in list of justification at bombing a country (yes, Kyle says he's upset a girl he liked turned into cartman... but there's layers in that statement, esp. compared to kyle's actions). Kyle memorizing the day they got together, confronting Heidi and asking how Cartman is doing as a boyfriend, what specifically she finds about him that's redeemable (and we all know how Kyle is about finding the good in people), batshit insane things a normal person (like stan) wouldn't ask his friend's girlfriend. And then of course, Kyle dropping all that effort when they break up. Insanity.
I realized the obsession was mutual, and rewatching the show in that context completely rerouted my watching experience with the show. It kinda made it funnier for me too lolol. I started picking up on all the evidence I saw shippers point at, and I got what they meant fr. Kyle and Cartman are assholes and poke at each other's insecurities, have hurt each other, yet will not let the other die, Kyle is usually the first one to call for cartman if something happens to him, he saves him when he doesn't deserve it, and Cartman, as stated by Stan, cannot live without him. And it's subtly shown he wouldn't keep kyle just to rag on, bc if that were the case, he would not hesitate to hold it over Kyle's head.
Their feelings for each other are very complex, and--if you really pay attention to the show--mutual.
#kyman#this is all a word dump i'm sorry if it doesn't make sense#asks#the weird Thing happening between these two characters is damn chaotic and mutual. I ain't sayin u gotta ship them cos you dont gotta#but to say it's one sided or not there at all is a misread of the show. I'll die on that hill.#Like they're so. fucking weird that it's a reoccurring joke that they get mistaken for a couple. or people easily believe they're together#The shock of them being together is. kinda the joke. as seasons go by#matt and trey love making them fruity or putting them into fruity situations and the sooner u accept 'hey that's gay af' the funnier the#show is i promise y'all#believing kyman is one sided or not there does little for the 'he gave me aids when we were young' joke. if u accept they fruity? bursting#out laughing i guarantee
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My Very Soul (Chapter 18)
Anakin Skywalker x Jedi!Reader
Link to Chapter 17
Warnings: teeny bit o angst, lot of lover's nerves honestly
Summary: You and Anakin depart for Levangé
Word Count: 2.8k (a bit shorter than usual bc I have been very busy but I love you so here's a bridge chapter that will get us where we need to go)
"This is insane," you said, holding up a dress with only the tips of your fingers, like it might be poisonous. You looked around at the outfits strewn about the briefing room.
"Part of the job," Master Yuma said bracingly, looking around the room as if she too were overwhelmed by the colors. Senator Voure had sent what she had called "a few things" for you to wear while you impersonated her on Levangé. The outfits you saw around you were more intense, in number and in quality, than you could have imagined of clothes. You looked down at your own beige tunic, touching it helplessly. You'd never worn anything different than Jedi attire, ever. You supposed you must have worn something else as a child, on Batuu, but you couldn't remember that.
You walked across the room, trying to think clearly in spite of the dissonance of pattern and texture around you. Your ribs twinged in pain, and you grimaced—you'd just been let out of the medical bay this morning, and already, you were set to leave for your mission. Usually, you wouldn't have batted an eye at this pace—Jedi were often called into duty at inopportune times, at the last minute, or while recovering from injuries. Today, though, you felt differently. Maybe it was because this would be your first real mission without Master Yuma. Or, maybe it was the thought of the person who would be accompanying you in her stead that made you nervous.
"Don't senators ever dress practically?" you asked desperately, pulling some of the garments back into their suitcases.
"There are pants in here," Master Yuma said, a smile in her voice. She was teasing, you knew, in part to mask her worry and frustration at having to send you on a mission without her—your first mission without her.
"I don't know if I'd call these pants," you uttered to Yuma in an exasperated tone, holding up a clothing item with room for two legs, but that had colorful strands of fabric hanging off the sides. You assumed anyone wearing these might look a bit like a rathtar.
"You know, you might actually enjoy wearing something new for a change," Master Yuma said, taking the pants from your hands and folding them into the last of the suitcases. "You probably won't be away that long, anyway." You felt her Force presence pang with sadness, and saw her turn her face away from you.
"I'm going to be just fine," you reassured her, leaning your head against her upper arm.
"I know you are," Master Yuma said, turning to pull you into a tight hug. "You'll be back here before you know it." You let yourself melt into the hug, closing your eyes and breathing deeply.
"I sure hope so," you said quietly, dwelling on the mission at hand, and the Padawan who would be joining you. Master Yuma sighed.
"You know," Master Yuma said, pulling away from you, keeping her hands around the sides of your shoulders, "I've been pretending for some time now that you still need me...that you aren't ready for the trials. I'm sorry if I've been holding you back. If anything, it's been my own inability to let you go." Master Yuma's eyes filled with tears.
"Master," you said, shaking your head, "I will always need you. Now, and after the trials, and forever." You had rarely seen your Master cry, but today, of all days, it was too much for you. You threw yourself back into the hug, hiding your face in your Master's arms.
"It's time to go," Master Yuma said gently, dragging both of your minds back to your sense of duty. "This looks suitable," Master Yuma said, pulling a sheer gray flowing garment out of the last suitcase. You couldn't help your displeased expression. Master Yuma laughed, handing you the flowy dress and helping you to button it after you'd thrust it over your head. It was extravagant, and pointless, that much was certain. However, it only showed part of your neck and shoulders, and the material was actually quite soft. You couldn't help but blush in embarrassment, wearing this.
"One last thing," Master Yuma said, sighing and reaching for your Padawan braid. You knew that Master Yuma would re-braid it when you returned, knew that you were simply committing to the mission, but still—leaving the Temple in someone else's clothes, without your braid, felt like a bad omen.
Master Yuma piled the suitcases onto the hovercart and pressed the button to make it follow you—out of the briefing room, through the halls of the Temple, to the hangar on the northeastern side. You walked slowly beside your Master, reflecting on the fact that she wouldn't be coming with you. It didn't feel right, somehow, but you knew by now that this was the way of the world—change came swiftly, and was almost always too quick.
"I see our friends are waiting for us," Master Yuma said quietly as you stepped out onto the hangar, squinting in the Coruscanti sunlight and putting a hand up to cover your eyes. Anakin's pout was visible even from this great distance. He stood, his hands clasped together in front of him, next to Master Obi-Wan, who immediately walked forward to greet you both.
"Everything is set with the coordinates," Master Obi-Wan said as he reached you. You felt his nervous energy, his unhappiness at not being assigned to accompany you. "The ship will take you directly to the safehouse, which is situated at the edge of a very remote village in Levangé's southern hemisphere.
"Right," you said flatly, watching Anakin's unmoving stare as he stood next to...hold on—
"You are to imitate the senator's behavior as best you can, as if it were she who were vacationing in the south," Obi-Wan continued, "and keep both us and the council abreast of any disturbances that you notice in the village. The quicker we can take someone into custody, the quicker we can bring you both home." You were listening to him, you were—but you were more distracted by the ship behind Anakin. It was a BTL series Y-Wing Starfighter. You gawked at it.
"We're going all the way to Levangé...," you pointed, your face feeling hot, "in that?" The Y-Wing was a small, two-seater ship with no hull, and Levangé was many parsecs away, positioned as it was in the Outer Rim. All of this meant that you and Anakin would be sitting, back to back, in a confined cockpit, for a long, long time.
"We don't want another attack while in-transit," Obi-Wan explained, giving Yuma a knowing look. "Our enemies will expect Senator Voure to be traveling in style. Thus, to get you there safely, a smaller ship is our best bet."
You nodded, resigned to your fate. Obi-Wan pushed the hover cart in the direction of the ship, loading Senator Voure's suitcases—or, your suitcases, you supposed—into the small cargo hold. Master Yuma stepped in front of you, gripping your arm.
"You look miserable," Master Yuma whispered to you, stroking your hair. You said nothing, making sure your Force presence was pulled fully into yourself. This was a habit you'd been unable to shake, lately. Master Yuma sighed. "The Jedi Order, the Republic, the ideals on which you stake your life," Master Yuma said quietly, "mean nothing if you don't first embrace your own place within the galaxy." You gave Master Yuma an inquisitive look.
"How can you say that?" you whispered, glancing over her shoulder to make sure neither Obi-Wan nor Anakin would overhear.
"It's the truth," Master Yuma said simply. "Sacrificing your life for a cause means nothing if you do so only because of the influence of others."
"I'm not sacrificing anything," you told Master Yuma, looking her in the eye. "I'm going to be fine."
"I know you're going to be fine," Master Yuma said impatiently, letting go of your arm. "What I mean to say is this: you have only one life. Make sure you live it for yourself." She took a step back from you as Obi-Wan returned to escort you to the ship. You looked around and saw Anakin climbing into the pilot's seat. Whirling back to face Master Yuma, you gave her a confused stare, which she returned with a small smile. What did she mean, and why was she telling you this now? You allowed yourself to be led toward the ship.
And so it begins, you thought, climbing into the gunner's seat without so much of a glance at the back of Anakin's head.
The silence felt heavier than space itself. Anakin was surprised the ship didn't descend into the ether, or whatever lay beyond the flashing blue of hyperspace that illuminated his view out of the tiny cockpit. There he had sat, with you sitting behind him, facing the opposite direction, for almost four hours now—and nothing. No conversation, no sound at all. You could be asleep, for all he knew. It felt as if he were alone in this ship—you had pulled your own Force presence back so thoroughly that he couldn’t sense you at all, even though his mind knew that you were sitting behind him.
While Jedi often took ships of varying sizes out on missions, Anakin had been assigned with you and Master Yuma, as well as his own Master, so often that with you he'd always taken a ship of moderate size, with at least a cockpit and a main hull. If the two of you had been in one of those ships, you could have at least closed a door between you. Anakin would rather be truly alone than be sitting here, in your presence, feeling more alone than he had ever felt in his life.
Anakin's anger toward you had slowly evaporated over these past few weeks into a confused sadness. He regretted the way he had handled the situation with you, your last true conversation having gone so badly. If only he'd been able to stay calm; if only he'd been able to ask you, gently, why you didn't want to talk about your relationship, why you felt as if everything needed to remain unsaid. He had roved his own mind for weeks now, weeks of silence between the two of you, and he still couldn't puzzle out your feelings, still couldn't find any clues as to why you'd reacted the way you did. But instead of asking you to clarify your meaning, he'd flown off the handle, as always, and then iced you out. He'd wanted, in those days you'd been in the medical bay, to apologize for his behavior, to take your hand and sit by your bedside day and night. But he'd held himself back, primarily out of fear for how you'd react. You'd been as cold to him as he'd been to you, at least since he had refused to train with you after you'd both returned from Serenno. And now here you were, sitting so close together, but remaining emotionally so far apart. This wasn't what Anakin wanted. He had to fix this, but he didn't know how.
The silence was absolutely deafening. Anakin didn’t know what to say, after four long hours of travel, four long hours of sitting at your side but not being able to look at you. Getting his own lips to move took an enormous act of internal momentum.
"Y/N?" Anakin asked. He knew you were sitting there, even though he couldn't feel you or see you. He knew you were likely deep in thought yourself, possibly even taking in his own emotional landscape as you regarded your own. It wasn't fair. Why did you get to know everything he was feeling, and he couldn't even get two honest words out of you?
"What?" you asked, your voice sounding flat and unemotional. Anakin took a deep breath.
"Are you nervous?" he asked, his own nerves spilling out into his voice.
"About what?" you asked, your flat tone giving way to something else, an urgency you hadn't meant to convey. Anakin couldn't help a small smile. Here you were, impersonating the target of an assassination attempt, wanted for murder, and yet you still didn't understand what you had to be nervous about.
"About...our first mission, on our own," Anakin responded mildly.
"No," you said, the flat tone back in your speech.
"Me neither," Anakin lied, sighing, looking out at the blue of hyperspace and wishing you couldn't read his emotional impressions just now. The truth was, Anakin wasn't nervous about any potential threat you might face—he knew he could protect you from any and all attackers. What was causing Anakin's nerves had nothing to do with the mission at hand, and everything to do with the fact that the two of you were embarking on it alone, and in such a precarious relational state.
"Good," Anakin heard you remark bitterly, "seeing as you didn't want to be here in the first place."
"That's not true," Anakin said quietly, crossing his arms.
"Oh please," you said, and Anakin felt your Force presence slip a bit, a bit of yourself coming out into the atmosphere. "I was there. Obi-Wan had to all but drag you to the ship."
"It isn't because I didn't want to come," Anakin countered, his own voice coming out sounding angry. He took a deep breath, trying to control his impulses, trying to make sure he didn't lose his cool with you yet again.
"Then why?" Anakin paused, wondering if you wanted a real answer.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Anakin uttered. The words hung in the quiet of the ship, the quiet of hyperspace, the two of you zooming across the universe facing in opposite directions.
"You're sorry?" Anakin heard you ask, and he couldn't determine the tone of your voice, couldn't tell whether or not you were receptive to this turn in the conversation.
"Yes. I'm sorry I...I'm sorry I got so angry with you. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I don't want the whole mission to be like this, I can't take it." Anakin was losing his cool again, but at least this time what poured out of him was earnest, rather than angry. You seemed to prefer it when Anakin was vulnerable and sincere. He was learning. "I want to go back to being friends."
The following silence was excruciating. How dare you leave these words hanging in the air, without so much as an acknowledgment that you had heard them? Anakin felt himself growing frustrated again. He wanted to shake you, to tell you to spit it out already, to beg you to say something, anything. Instead, he sat quietly, forcing himself to breathe, forcing himself to wait for your response.
"Okay," you said quietly.
"Okay?" Anakin asked, holding his breath.
"Okay," you responded. Anakin heard you sigh.
"So you...accept my apology?" Anakin waited. This silence felt complicated. Anakin couldn't tell what you were thinking.
"Yes," you breathed, and Anakin heard the bump of you leaning your head back against the seat. You were infuriating, with how little you were giving him.
"So will you stop hiding your presence now?" Anakin asked, trying to joke with you, to get you to loosen up, to act like yourself again.
"When I feel like it," you responded sardonically, and Anakin couldn't help but smile.
"I wonder what Levangé will be like," Anakin continued. He wanted to keep you talking, wanted to keep the communication open, at least, for the rest of the many hours you two would be spending in this small ship, facing away from each other.
"I wonder how long we'll be there," you said, your voice pensive.
"I'm sure Obi-Wan and Yuma will find the source of the pursuer dart," Anakin said, reassuringly, "and then we'll be able to put a stop to these separatist attacks altogether. Everything will go back to normal."
"Don't you feel it though?" Anakin heard you ask, and as you let out a bit more of your Force presence, Anakin felt the fear behind your words. "The change. The way things seem to be turning...cold. Falling apart."
"Don't talk like that, flea," Anakin said quickly, wanting nothing more than to make the fear in your voice go away, wanting to replace it with other emotions. "This is just another problem, one that the Jedi will solve, in time." There was a period of silence that followed this utterance.
"I hope so," you said, finally, and Anakin felt your uncertainty. He wished he could comfort you, wished so much that he could only turn around and look at you—but you and him were stuck, in your seats in this small ship, facing opposite directions, like two spires pointing forever away from one another. Anakin faced forward, looking ahead; you faced backward, looking at where you'd been.
************************************************************************
Chapter 19 is out, it's lovely, and it's long--GO READ
i've been getting a wee bit busy but don't worry, Levangé is going to be juicy as hell! love you all
here's a funny for you
divider credit to @racingairplanes
taglist: @iyoogi @cluelessgurl @layazul @annadastra @graciexmarvel @galaxiasy @organasith @indigoblues1207 @outoftheregular @katsukiswrld @prettyboyrryy @jellydodger @wildflower57 @padmeamidalaslover @em-asian @heavenseraph @iloveinej @leapofblank @sahverah @elsyyie @usuallyunlikelyfox @jadeonce @papadragun @dopejellyfishfury @stxrrielle @lilianashomaresparza @prettylittlecarstairs @deadunicorn159 @atoelicker @arelisskywalker @maythefloorbewithyouanakin @your-local-crzy-lady @dontmindme262 @xenochuguardian @cassiopeiashift @allihavenegativethoughts @hamiltonwc @1-800-nostalgiaaa @heyitsaloy @haydenchristensenluvbot @muthafuckingstargirl @window-to-nothing @shadowhuntyi @jedi-archives @inmourningforanakin @vivsmcdo @betrund @ahqkas @aquaamethyst96 @escapepoet @randomstuff2040 @kenjikishimotosupremecy @nycweb-slinger @anxlaufeyson @magic-magnoliaa @theezlife @unipugrose22-blog @anhsoka @lucyysthings @hopefulpursepeanutdeputy @captainson-of-coul @sweetcheesecakesblog
#anakin skywalker#star wars#star wars fanfiction#anakin skywalker x reader#anakin x reader#anakin skywalker fanfiction#anakin fanfic#anakin skywalker fanfic#star wars fanfic#sw fanfic#star wars fluff#my very soul#star wars angst#anakin fluff#anakin angst#fluff#angst#slow burn#reader insert#hayden christensen#star wars prequels#fanfiction#sw fanfiction#anakin skywalker imagine#anakin skywalker fluff#anakin skywalker angst#anakin skywalker x jedi reader#anakin skywalker x female reader#anakin skywalker x you#sw cast
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allow me to dive into the haley gets lonely and eventually cheats discourse (she cheated to me bc you’re right, anyone else wouldn’t have hung up the home phone the instant Aaron picks up)
haley knew before they had Jack what Aaron was like. She knew he loved his job and he felt a sense of responsibility to every victim and every case and that he CHANGED CAREERS FROM LAW TO CRIMINOLOGY because he so deeply wanted to be making a real difference. Both of those careers have equally insane hours and she knew that. Like admittedly my own jealousy of Haley bleeds into this conversation A LOT.
But I almost think she had the baby as an attempt to get Aaron to change, but she knew he wouldn’t. I think Jack was Haley’s attempt to get Aaron to change jobs and be there for her more, and for their son more, and it failed. Because Aaron is still the noble, chivalrous, never-give-up, determined man she met and married all those years ago. He was never going to change to be anybody but himself. Obviously he did at times in his career try to change courses for Jack but the reality is Haley knew her husband. She knew he loves his job and that it gives him all his sense of purpose and accomplishment in the world.
I also think that they both knew it was over when Haley started giving him ultimatums, before she moved out I really think Aaron knew that no amount of early nights or homestay cases would bring Haley back to him, she was already walking away. The phone ringing scene is just the straw that broke that camels back in my opinion. That was the nail in the coffin of their marriage for me, that was when Aaron knew that no matter how hard he would try to be home and be present in Haley and Jack’s lives, nothing could fix what she had already decided to do. She was walking away. whether that was another man or a divorce attorney or a girlfriend wanting to dish about haleys husband, she was hiding things from him.
hiii rome!! 🫶🏻
the theory that they had jack to save their marriage honestly makes a lot of sense to me. aaron was fully dedicated to his job since day one and without jack i feel like it would be even harder for haley to get him to be around more. but in the end the result was the same.
when i blame haley it’s mostly bc like you said i’m jealous of her, and also bc i love aaron sooo so much, so i’m always on his side :( but if i want to be real, i get her. i watched that episode the other day where she was sick, while being pregnant and was talking with aaron on the phone. she was super sweet, not blaming him for not being with her. imagine being pregnant and feeling sick and your husband isn’t there to comfort you bc he’s working. i would be crying.
or when he was supposed to take a few days off when the team went on vacation in season 1, but then he had to leave way too soon. i just try to put myself in her shoes and i know i would be so excited, making plans about all the things we would do together. excited that we’d get to cuddle and sleep together and wake up in each other’s arms. and then he left. i’d be so sad and disappointed. or when he literally forgot about jack being sick and at the hospital?
i love aaron more than anything but the truth is he made mistakes too. he loved them - i know he did! but i understand that it hurt not having around the person you’re supposed to do life with.
but the thing is i wouldn’t cheat. cheating is just the worst form of betrayal :/ she should have just ended things. even if she didn’t cheat the whole secrets/weird phone calls thing just shows there wasn’t trust between them. like that’s your husband. it felt like something was broken between them after this and it would never be the way it was before again.
oh also. not letting him see jack? that’s just a no. the only scenario this would make sense would be if he was abusive. but aaron loves jack so much and that was just a terrible punishment.
aaron loving his job as much as he does really is who he is. and she knew this man since they were teenagers. she knew him. so even if he switched careers, she still should have known. but i think she expected him to change. which would never happen. not even their kid changed that.
i could keep going but the truth is haley is not my favourite but it’s mostly because i simply don’t like seeing aaron in love with someone else 💀 (same reason i feel unwell when i see him with beth). but i would be lying if i said i don’t understand her. if aaron was real i’d wanna be around him all the time. i’d want all his love and attention. and if he left me all alone at home running back to his team every time i thought i’f have him all to myself, i would be heartbroken.
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I don’t want to overstep or anything but, as someone who was once in a relationship where I was really obsessive over how they felt about me and how I looked when we hung out and felt panic at the thought that they didn’t feel the same way, it turned out that it was a really unhealthy relationship and I felt like that because their affection was conditional. They ended up breaking up with me after six months but still wanted to be friends and said there was a possibility of getting back together in the future basically as their backup plan. I eventually had to go no contact. With my current partner I never once felt that same fear or was that obsessive over them. I know they love me and they’ve made it very clear they want to commit to me. Your situation with this girl reminds me of how I felt with my ex. It’s really hard to see things clearly while you’re in it because that kind of attraction feels like the romance you hear about in books and movies but I’ve realized that you should feel safe with your partner and they should be clear about their feelings and intentions.
hi !!! yeah i definitely agree ! in this case the appearance thing is bc of a cut on my lip that i was insecure abt anyone seeing last night (not just her) but i agree - safe and kind and loving relationships often lend themselves to feeling secure enough in yourself to not obsess over the other person and trusting that they will like you no matter what
i am def cautious of this esp right now since i'm at a vulnerable time in my life w exams and stuff, so thank you for the feedback ! that said we have only met up a few times so i think i'm ok w reserving my judgement until a bit later (i can't expect love and commitment from her when we've basically just met, nor can she from me), but i promise i am definitely cautious and keeping it in mind ! i think i should maybe not post solely abt my insane thought processes and actually maybe give u guys the nicer side of things that actually happen irl too perhaps 😭 i'm glad ur current partner makes you feel so secure and safe, it's a lovely thing to have truly ! ♡
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pls pls pls i need some flashspruce headcanons, idc what they're abt i just NEED
i've been on the verge of insanity lately
this is so real and honestly your insanity brought back mine so thank you
i feel like part of the reason i've kinda fell off my eqg soapbox is bc i felt like i've said all i've ever wanted to say abt them, but i don't think i have actually! if you do not mind me repeating myself occasionally:
between flashspruce, flash has the most experience with boys despite having realised his attraction to them later than timber did. this is mainly because flash is surrounded by more boys because high school, the maths is pretty simple
timber, on the other hand, had a more complicated relationship with sexuality because his gender was doing all sorts of funny things. he had an idea that he was pan (of course, he didn't have the words for it yet) but he was never sure if he was romantically interested in boys or just admired them so obsessively he wanted to be one. as timber grew into his teen years he realised it was both lol
timber hides this with his confidence but flash can see right through it because he's dealt with boys like this before when they've hit on him previously (though they're never quite as cute as timber is. pretty privilege i tell ya)
when they're friends, they have this specific dynamic that idk how to explain (the closest i can think of is hyung-dongsaeng in korean culture), but essentially it's this feeling of wanting to dote on your friends that are younger than you (even if it's just by months). that's how flash treats timber in the early stages – flash finds out he's older than timber by a few months and now he cannot think outside of timber = baby
timber loves the mane 7 but if flash is tagging along with their hangouts (which is usually the case, timber only rarely hangs out with them as a group by himself), he's very clingy and has his arm hooked with flash's. flash finds it adorable, especially when timber refuses to let go in public
i see 2 ways in which they can go from friends to lovers; either it's very natural and it doesn't feel like anything's changed, OR they've reached a breaking point where they're just seconds away from devouring each other. sunset says that sometimes flash looks at timber like he will leave bite marks on the guy if he doesn't stop whatever he's doing (existing). both are good i'd say
timber has always filmed little candids of flash when they start being friends, mainly on his phone but whenever they're out by themselves, he brings his fancy camera out. flash doesn't know this, mainly because timber doesn't show him out of embarrassment, but you can really tell the person who filmed the videos loves their muse
flash sends over lyric docs whenever he feels like it and usually these are without any context, literally no "hello" or "how are you", just [text].doc and timber's like ???. but then timber reads them and is like sad™. timber's never admitted to this, and it'll take him a while to do so, but there have been certain lines in flash's lyrics that had him crying. how many chances do you get in life where your muse considers you their muse too?
flash sometimes buys timber books that he's read just so timber can also read them and then freak out the same way he did. most of the time timber's reaction is "why would you make me read this i am now clinically insane" which was exactly flash's goal
i would try to debate who would be the pathetic lover between flashspruce but there is no answer to that bc they are both equally pathetic in their own ways sorry loverboys
flash actively joins timber when he goes to get more wood just so he can see timber in a tanktop and an axe but flash will deny this every step of the way
timber can't say anything though bc man does this as well during the summer months when the flash drive are performing at bars; flash is Not about to wear leather in this weather and timber's gonna enjoy every moment of it
and yeah flash teaches timber the guitar bc what is he if not a lover of music and queer rockstars (he thinks timber could make a really cool queer rockstar if not for the fact he would steal a million of girls' hearts in one second and a smile)
these two make me want to chew a wall. dead serious
(i see your ask about flash, i will get to that soon i promise 🫡)
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liam and jackie's relationship is so important 2 me because you have to understand. liam hates himself. he does. he's insanely self conscious and feels unlovable and unimpressive and annoying and ugly. he HATES himself. and when he met jackie (which happened years before 2077 in my canon bc i do what i want; they were both like 19-21) he was at one of his lowest points. he'd just moved out for the first time because he felt like he was unwanted at home, he was a nervous wreck half the time and a shadow of a person the other half. he didn't have any friends. they'd all drifted apart after high school or moved on to other people and places.
so you can imagine how insane it was for him to be invited over for dinner by a guy who'd held a gun to his head only 20 minutes prior. he was exhausted and depressed and beaten black and blue. nothing had gone well for him in months. years, probably. he half expected jackie to follow through and kill him once they were isolated. but he didn't!!! liam was sat down and given more food than he'd had all week by someone who barely even knew him. he was spoken to like a real human being instead of a rat in the gutter. they sent him home with a plastic container of leftovers and a jacket from the closet because it was raining out. and then jackie just never went away! liam expected jackie to get sick of him eventually but it just wouldn't happen. jackie actively liked being around him and would talk him up and help him out and treat him with actual respect.
liam had literally never had a real friend before jackie. he'd always been bullied and put aside and ignored. and suddenly here comes the coolest mf he's ever met going "yeah we're best friends!" like that shit blew his mind. he literally was allowed to come out of his shell for the first time in YEARS. there are so many things he would've never had the confidence to do without jackie. he loved him! he really did.
without jackie he would've never met misty and viktor, never would've started really connecting with heywood's community after a lifetime of being wary of his own neighbors. he feels like he owes so much to jackie but every time he's said that jackie insisted that he didn't owe him anything because they were friends. jackie met liam's family! he would come over for dinner and stuff! liam never had friends who did that past early childhood. jackie was a person who showed up uninvited to his life and threw him a lifesaver.
so yknow. you can imagine how liam felt in that car after the heist.
#kris.txt#wakes up covered in blood#idk what happened here i just started typing. um#oc: liam valentine#also liam jerked him off once#in case you were wondering.#just guy things yk#also important note. i hc jackie as transmasc#so they also heavily related over that
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yesterday in my weekly meeting with my boss, I told him how overwhelmed I feel right now, and how much work I have, and how I wish all these projects hadn't coincided the way they had. He has this metaphor he loves about how fast the car is moving, does it feel like we're moving too fast, and I was like, absolutely yes, but I am working to balance everything, etc. And he told me I seemed really calm and on top of things and he admired that. It was nice!
And then in our managers meeting in the afternoon, he asked everyone else the same question about the car, and basicallly everyone else said they thought things were great and could honestly go faster and now isn't stressful at all. and I was like, What things are insane I cannot keep up with all of your projects! and THEN I felt crazy and not calm and like I was going to cry! Because it's one thing to talk about it one on one under the assumption that things are unfortunately overly hectic right now (which he agreed with), and another to go to a meeting and be the only one who will admit they feel that way (I do not believe everyone was telling the truth.)
And I was like, you have 1 major project in this department, and one in that deparment, and 1 in this other department, and that's one project for each of you, but ALL of those projects need new collateral and promotions and branding, and that ALL bottlenecks to ME, and no one asked about MY capacity when you decided independently to do this.
And someone was like, well ok next year we'll plan better and make sure that you can balance it. And like, the fuck you will! because I had a meeting in JUNE with all these people where I had printed off a calendar of the year showing how all of their planned projects would bottleneck into my department at the same time and no one cared! Not one thing changed! So I do not believe that anything will be different in the future!
and their other excuse was that all of these projects were in the strategic plan so they have to do them, but you know what else was in the strategic plan? My fucking style and branding guide, which I NEVER GET TO WORK ON bc I have ot keep doing everyone else's projects! I also have projects that need work!! But bc I am clearly not allowed to say no, MY projects are the ones that look like I can't do it.
It is ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING. Not to mention that I have a coworker who fucked a project up so badly that I spent weeks fixing it and my boss gave me a 4 figure bonus to make up for that and this person has started giving 10 minute lectures about project management at all of our meetings. SHUT THE FUCK UP you can't even realize that the first step in a project to replace our phone system is getting a list of all of our current phone numbers!! AHH FUCK!
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So it’s gotten to that point. i’ve been receiving IOP from a mental health clinic, and my group trauma therapist is transphobic. Even more so, she’s been taking advantage of that fact that we unpack serious things in group settings, and I have a habit of dissociating to perpetuate her transphobic ideas in which it is my fault if i feel bad when someone misgender means. I have severe trauma from emotional abuse and neglect which only ended 6 months ago, at least in terms of my family having enough power and ignorance to believe that they were justified in the way they treated me, but i am still very much healing. I’m trying so hard to survive and get away from my abusive environment, but i’m realistic. i plan to move next year in jan, and in the midst of trying to pay all my bills and not go insane from the lack of financial freedom i have beyond necessities and bills, i’m trying to save as much as i can while also being nice to myself.
but today someone in my group was expressing distress over using a feminine term to refer to me when i’ve explained that i identify as transmasculine, and i was too busy doing something else, so my therapist took it upon herself to explain that it was my fault for feeling bad when people misgender me and that it is my responsible to correct people. which like, she’s a white cisgender woman who has trauma and is likely autistic so i’ve been giving her the benefit of the doubt, but no, she’s completely wrong. as a mental health professional currently in charge of my safety, she is directly endangering my health. i sent her an email after i processed what the fuck happened, and basically said this is your one warning to stop being transphobic and read up on all the ways your behavior threatens my physical and mental well-being, and if so necessary, i will seek legal action for discrimination. i have been gaslight a fuck ton so i have no confidence in myself, but my gut has been seeing all the news that more and more confirms the worst, and my c-PTSD symptoms are getting worse. history repeats itself, and i feel like i’m the one who recognizes the pattern except, you know, i’m part of the group that people currently want to see dead. and people praise me and treat me nicely bc they see an intelligent woman (which trauma-reinforced but also i fucking had top surgery last year????) but i think they view me as an “acceptable” queer person. which nooo, i did not spend so many years facing abuse literally just because i felt intense fucking pain that no one thought they could understand only for people in power to continue treating me like shit and then getting angry when i don’t roll over and die. i identify as a threat and a thing you do not want to cross. my years of sickness and illness mean that i don’t respect anything unless it has blood, sweat, tears, and defiance written all over it. you HAVE to feel pain to feel human, and all fucking pain is valid. i am so sick of watching a whole community of people being looked over and forgotten about, for even the “acceptable” ones of us having to beg for crumbs of decency. it’s inexcusable, and i legit do not give a shit for why we have to wait around for a bunch of people to decide that others get to live. i’m living NOW. DEAL WITH IT
#wedding speaks#tw vent#tw transphobia#tw medical trauma#IM SO SICK OF NICE PEOPLE ABUSING ME#FUCK OFFFFFF
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