A Whisp in The Wind | Anakin Skywalker x Reader
Major clone wars season 5 spoilers
Synopsis: With the loss of Ahsoka, you and Anakin are left in turmoil, and amidst the hurricane of your unnavigated emotions, Ahsoka's words take root in your mind, placing the seeds of doubt within the Jedi order.
Warnings: gender-neutral reader, angst, lots of angst, no fluff,
Word Count: 1757
Notes: i wrote this as i finished crying at the end of season 5. you're welcome :) (reposting this shit)
sorry for the low quality gif, i couldn't find the original one i used
You stared emptily at your bedside table while Anakin silently moved around the apartment. The tension was palpable, only growing with each passing minute. Finally, he emerged from the bathroom in a loose-fitting shirt, his hair messy from running his hands through it so many times before taking a seat on the bed next to you. His eyes flickered to your glazed stare before he joined you in gazing aimlessly at the floor. The tile was littered with footprints, a couple of garments lying around, nothing genuinely fascinating. However, it gave him room to think about the events that had transpired a couple of hours ago.
Ahsoka was gone.
Leaving the order was not only a massive blow to you but to Anakin. Ahsoka was your best friend. You two fought together, trained together, ate, explored, laughed– you shook your head, dispelling those thoughts to stop yourself from tumbling down that dark train of thought, but the one kept growing in volume and strength as if it was flooding every other thought.
She was right.
The order was far from what it used to be. You used to be able to say that what you did was for the sake of peace, helping others, and aiding the weak, but now you were regarded as an esteemed general who could make impossible choices for the sake of the Republic reaching their dream of winning the war, not as a Jedi who didn't need praise for helping others, offering a hand and protection to those who needed.
Why had the Jedi fallen so far? Most importantly, why had you allowed it to happen?
The Jedi, your family, had strayed from the ideals they once clung to, trading it for war and naming it a step closer to peace. And although you knew the Jedi weren't what they were, excuses for their behavior overwhelmed you. The Jedi are your family, your home. They wouldn't willingly engage in war. It was only due to the circumstances that they had to adapt and change in order to try to preserve the peace.
Amongst it all, you were conflicted.
You depended on the Jedi, clinging to a childish hope that, yes, they changed, but not for the worse because, in a way, you need them. You knew not of anything else besides the order and the Temple. You were nothing without the Jedi, simply drifting through the expansion of life without a purpose or a reason to go on. That dependence kept you from fully committing to the idea that the Jedi might not be the people you once thought they were and considering the possibility of leaving it behind. It was smart of them to make you rely on the Jedi to prevent you from ever abandoning them.
"Do you think she was right?" You broke the silence, raising the question that had been stirring around your thoughts since Ahsoka told you of her departure.
Anakin's head whips around to face you, and your expression makes his breath catch in his throat. It was too much like Ahsoka's when she told him she wasn't coming back. That memory, so raw and vulnerable, made his emotions bubble even closer to the surface.
"She had a point." Anakin found himself saying carefully as if considering his own words. Truth be told, he was lost. Without ahsoka, he was lost. He was the master, yet he found her guiding him, keeping him from trouble and saving him from it. In that moment, he couldn't help but be reminded of his relationship with his mother. It was such an odd comparison that he found himself slightly complexed by it. He was like the parent, his mother; in this situation, he had to let go of who he felt was his child. He had practically raised Ahsoka, and now he had to let go so she could begin her own life outside of him and away from him, just like when Master Qui-Gon had taken him from his mother to start his life away from her and the life he once clung to. And although he knew that she was trading her old life for a better one, he still grasped at the faintest hope that she would be back tomorrow, ready with Rex and the others on another assignment. Just like his mother most likely had been when he left Tatooine's sandy dunes for the sacred Temple's crisp marble.
And now it seemed as if you were considering the idea yourself, and truth be told, that scared him. Anakin knew that he couldn't bear it if he lost you, which was one of the many complicated emotions he had to navigate through in his life as a Jedi. However, being torn apart by different beliefs? Out of all things that never how Anakin thought you two would part.
Anakin's sure that you two wouldn't stop loving each other over your different views, but the distance would be unbearable. He knew that as time passed, you would see less and less of each other. Anakin being constantly ordered across the galaxy would leave you little time to keep the relationship thriving and healthy. You would have to find your own life outside of him to provide for yourself as well. Conflicting schedules, busyness, and exhaustion all spelled disaster for the two of you. Holocalls only can do so much before the distance would inevitably tear you two apart.
It was a terrifying idea, but as much as he hated it, Anakin had no control over your life or actions. He only wished for you to be happy, and if that was outside of the Temple, outside of him, he would be useless to stop it.
"She does," you finally reply, and Anakin realizes how long you two have been trapped in your own thoughts.
"Are you thinking about leaving the order?" The question sucks the air out of your lungs as your eyes find his. Liquid pools of shimmering blue that were his irises were glazed with a type of despair that slowly began to crack your careful facade of the unwavering general.
"I don't know." It was true, you didn't know. There was so much to consider, so many factors that added to this equation you couldn't seem to solve. It all made your head hurt.
"I see." A Lie. Anakin couldn't see how you could even consider leaving the order, the very thing you had been raised upon. Yes, it had its flaws, but so did everything else. He was better off here in the hopes of making lasting changes than abandoning his kin and meticulously constructed life. If he could be a part of ending this war sooner, preventing more lives than necessary from being stolen from it, then he would. Anakin couldn't do anything about the war, but he could try his damn hardest to help those affected by it. Leaving the order would do nothing besides allowing more people to be affected by it.
You leaned your head on Anakin's shoulder, finding the floor once more as Anakin's arms encircled your waist, pulling you closer. Would you really leave the order? Leave Anakin? What good would it do if you left? It's not like the Jedi would miraculously stop behind soldiers, but if you didn't go, you could try to make changes and do something about it.
Anakin. The word trailed softly through your force bond, and Anakin heard your voice cracking, the fear spilling endlessly into your bond. He felt your fear as if it was his own while his grip tensed, emotion building behind his eyes.
Tears sprang into your eyes at his force signature's gentleness and unspoken words adding to your festering grief. You felt lost for the first time in your life, and you were swamped by the force of it.
Oh, maker. You knew how Ahsoka's departure tore Anakin apart, but how would he be if you left him? What about Obi-Wan? Your friends?
A tear rolled down your cheek, and you nestled your head into the crook of his neck. At first, Anakin tensed his arms stilling around you before he relaxed.
"I'm sorry." You choked on your sob as Anakin's hand came to pull you tighter. You grasped the fabric of his shirt, each sob tearing viciously from your throat as fat tears streaked down your cheeks.
"I'm sorry," you heard him through your sobs, and his utterly defeated voice twisted your heart strings into knots. You listened to his broken cries as he gripped you tighter. You both sobbed in earnest. For ahsoka, for the order, for your love, and all things you couldn't control. Today was a day of recognition, and as heartbreaking as it was, it was a necessary truth followed by an even more critical choice you were now forced to make.
"I can't lose you," he hissed through his tears. "Please don't leave me."
It was selfish of him to make your decision based upon him. He knew it, yet his heart cried for you, his mind twisting around your possible absence from his life.
"I won't," you promised, and you two cried in tandem, your feelings muddled together through your bond.
Today was a day of recognition followed by a vital choice the force faced you with.
On this day of recognition, you realize that you could not live without Anakin's love, devotion, and passion that he embedded into your heart. It was vital to your existence, and as difficult of a truth it might be, you couldn't leave the order. Not while so many counted and depended on you. It was a faraway dream for another time when the war would cease. Then you could run away from the life the council had built for you, make one of your own designs with Anakin, and be eternally free from the shackles of the Jedi order.
The fantasy of being liberated vanished like a whisp in the wind, leaving you with nothing but him, your only grasp at the unattainable freedom you so desperately longed for.