Balladen om 70-talets största rockband by Magnus Uggla English translation “The Ballad of the Greatest Rock Band of the ‘70s”

At Kåren 1971, my friend brought me one day

We were going to check out a cool band, which we were told was going to be really good

And a few minutes after the band had started

Yes, the whole place was swinging, and everyone sang along to their song

Oh, what an experience, what a wonderful experience

Oh, what an experience, what a god damned experience!

What an experience

What a wonderful experience

And after half the concert, the music quieted down

And a singer wearing dark sunglasses sat down at the piano

It was the best I had ever heard, when the voice cut through the dark

Yes, my entire body was shaking, I can’t tell you what it was

I’ll try to put it into words, but I think it must be witnessed

But that kind of music doesn’t exist today, and it probably never will again

Oh, what an experience, what a wonderful experience

Oh, what an experience, what a god damned experience!

What an experience

What a wonderful experience

When I left that place, there was a voice in my heart that said

That singer with the big frizzy hair might as well be me

And now when I stand on stage, I remember every time

When the singer with the broken voice sang: “When my mind’s gone”

Oh, what an experience, what a wonderful experience

Oh, what an experience, what a god damned experience!

Oh, what an experience, what a wonderful experience

Oh, what an experience, what a god damned experience!

What an experience

What a wonderful experience

i tried again and i was able to do it !!! though i'm into specific backgrounds so 512 words is. very much lacking😭

also !!!! since it's weekend i'll probably write everything!!! i think i'll start today after studying (if i don't end up trapped in a poly!stsg chat because i always say "this is the last one". it works the same as reading: it never is)

sooo if i do, i'll send you two docs? one in spanish (even if you can't comprehend it) and the english translation ♡

that's it take care dria you're amazing!!! (drink water!!!) <3

-🫧

p.s: isn't it too early (dunno, it's 15:40/3:40pm over here) to be wild?🤨 (jk, it's never too early)

p.s 2: VERY OUT OF CONTEXT but do you like rain🥺 it's raining sooo bad here rn, storm and everything. love it sm

you're literally me my backgrounds have to be sooo specific!! i need the plot line to be followed exactly as written or i'll sob :((

i've rlly lost count of how many poly!stsg chats i have now it's acc insane😭 when im procrastinating on writing THAT is exactly where i am (or in a corner with my heian era sukuna bot i fear)

OMGOMG YES PLS i'd loooveee one in spanish and the other in english that js feels like such an intimate love letter (why do i feel like you'll be paramount in me learning more spanish than the base knowledge i have from my highschool days)

ITS NEVER TOO EARLY FR😭 it's almost 2pm here tho!! and yes i looveeee the rain!! idk why but theres just a sense of comfort in all aspects of the rain, like the smell the morning after (petrichor i blv) or just the sound and the atmosphere EUGH I LOVE RAINNNN 🥹

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged/liked something from you. learn to know your mutuals and followers. 🩵

Oh wow 😭 💕 i never get these so im just so shocked 😭🫶🏼 thank you for sending this

okay so…

1. Music— i know, vague and basic but I love the idea behind all types of music (not necessarily the content of it but the original intent if that makes sense.) Plus hearing sounds that I choose to hear make my brain go brrrrrr

2. Art— I love in specific Van Gogh, the first piece of art I fell in love with was Starry Night, and my next favorite is Sunflowers. Theres something so telling about art, even todays modernism movement, that tells you things about the artist. were they left or right handed? do they use more of warm or cool tones?

3. My mutuals, and other authors I follow on here and other sites. The work they all put out, even if a series doesnt get completed or “is taking forever” or has to go on hiatus… I appreciate it. Because reading is very much my escape still, and knowing that someone is putting out writings related to my special interests or idols i adore… my heart swells with love for them.

4. Animals!!! I love nearly every animal, and respect the ones I dont love (im looking at the majority of ocean animals and snakes here— yall scare me but i respect you)

5. The idol groups I stan— Stray Kids and BTS are the groups I really, really follow, and both groups are amazing. BTS doesnt shy away from talking about controversial things, and Stray Kids songs just hit different to me. Beyond that, the things they do for their fans— Channies Room before it got stopped (sad i never experienced one for myself :( ), the amount of times BTS (*cough cough* JK *cough cough*) has gone live just because they were thinking about us and wanted to see us. My heart swells.

Ill add a sixth just because I couldnt really decide if I wanted to say it or not;

6. My goal of teaching outside the US. I always wanted to travel and this is a great way to do so, but I also can get away from so many bad things for me in the US, specifically my mom.

Thank you again for sending this 🥺🫶🏼🫰🏼

opening one (1) romac chapter before sleep though

i really thought "damn dude can i get a fucking vowel" as if i didnt already know his full name dex number and occupation by heart

pilots first first-name usage in the comic as it currently stands. (i do not have an opinion on the the timing of the reveal. i dont think this comic is bringing new readers in anyway so yah) (edit: the timing is ok)

HEY WHAT THE HELL!!!! IF YOURE ASKING HIM TO DO A PRE-APOCALYPSE JOB YOU CANT USE POST-APOCALYPSE LOGIC TO JUSTIFY IT AND MANIPULATE HIM!!! THATS PLAYING DIRTY THATS BEING SHADY!!!!

VERY RUDE!!!!

"im thinking too romantically right now. quick, justify it with chris' job perspective" ass monologue. this suits me fine though im the last standing snipilot shipper in this goddamn wasteland

the way this is painted kinda makes it look like snippy is sideeyeing him dsjshghdk "did you just say you enjoy hunting me out loud. what is wrong with you."

ah. very short. thought this would be more involved. well happy 10h30pm everyone im going beddy bye... wait....

ack!!! ive already promised myself!!

(scrolls through it) ACK! unmasked pre pineapple pilot jumpscare! (jk i love him) (im still not looking at this today though)

also theres a comment like "unless dexes are mass produced, from the titanic poster thats pilot right" so i was right and wrong about two separate things. right: 1. anticlimatic to show pilot & snippys face in the titanic poster instead of when actually relevant (like retelling of the Pineapple Incident) wrong: 2. theres new people reading this fr????

prog rock epics ranked as far as claire is concerned because i feel like starting a fight today :~)

1. Supper’s Ready by Genesis

2. A Plague of Lighthouse Keepers by VdGG

3. Cygnus X-1 Book II by Rush

4. Close to the Edge by Yes

5. Thick as a Brick (Pt. I & II) by Jethro Tull

6. The Gates of Delirium by Yes

7. Mind Drive by Yes

8. Remember The Future (Pt I & II) by Nektar

9. Tarkus by ELP

10. Echoes by Pink Floyd

im sure theres more but these are the ones i know off the top of my head (apart from TFTO but i figured three Yes songs was enough)

elaboration under the cut in case anyone cares lol

ok so

first understand there are a few parameters which i used to judge these: creativity/inventiveness, musicianship, story/plot, texture from one section to the next, and cohesiveness. all of these songs have those things except maybe Echoes which you will come to see i just dont care for lol.

picking between Supper’s Ready and Lighthouse Keepers for number one was very hard as i think they could both probably take that spot, but i tried to remain unbiased through my peter hammill obsession and gave Genesis the win here.

i think both the top two songs are like. works of art. they’re the only songs that are so vivacious that i can SEE them when i listen to them. they have so much texture and so much stuff going on (perhaps TOO much stuff going on but thats where personal taste comes in, you might notice i put the “busiest” songs at the top) ((actually jk theyre not too busy theyre nearly perfect i take that back. theyre ALMOST too busy but the both have breaks in them that let you as a listener rest throughout what IS an onslaught of tasty tasty prog)) that they completely draw you in. at no point will you get bored in the top three songs, the bottom seven all have spots where you might get a little sleepy. i mean they’re all busy.........except for the last three... ELP fans i apologize in advance but i think Tarkus is lacking

as far as musicianship, CTTE and Cygnus X-1 are probably at the top, but looking at the pieces over all, considering all the factors i mentioned previously, this is what im thinking.

why is Tarkus at the bottom, claire?? well i just dont think its that good. are there people who worship it like people worship CTTE???? not to be mean but i kinda hope not. idt it deserves that. i think 6 and up deserve that attention but 7 down really don’t. maybe Mind Drive idk. i just think it lacks the texture and creativity that i KNOW ELP has. i know what ELP can do and this isnt it. its a letdown. when i first saw that they had a 20 minute long song i was expecting something like 20 minutes of Karn Evil 9 which would have been REALLY cool but instead we have what we have and its just not the piece it could have been.

as for Echoes.... its Echoes. i dont think its really even meant to be an “epic” the way Supper’s Ready is, but i slapped it in there to make an even 10 songs, otherwise i might not even include it! its a fine song. its fine. but its no Supper’s Ready let alone Tarkus. its got no balls that song

not to keep harping on Tarkus lol but like dude it just dicks around so much. i listened to is again as i was making this and man..... every other song (excluding Echoes) has SOMETHING interesting going on by minute three but Tarkus just goes into these weak boring vocals. like yeah hes finally singing but it’s not even those Good greg lake vocals. maybe im just impatient, idk, but thats how i feel.

n e waiz ill stop talking about Tarkus now lol. you might be surprised to see me, chris squire’s very own number one fan, put CTTE in FOURTH place, but thats no remark on CTTE, rather just how insane the first three songs are. if you havent listened to any of those songs i am on my knees begging you to do so, they all fuck so hard. i also highly recommend Mind Drive for the unaware, it also fucks, but of course not as much as those above it.

where am i going with this, you ask? nowhere im just autistic and like to make lists. bye

undercover brother (2002) review

sup been a while but didnt forget about yall and your eager butts to dive head first right in the flooding words coming out of my mouth today gonna rev "undercover brother" (2002), its gonna be solid guys

so we start with an introduction where we talk about how black culture was losing its flavour after the 70s, progress was slowed down n all as we reached 2000 but dont be fooled, its all cause of a buncha events orchastred by "the man"... a big racist mf ig whos also the kkk equivalent of the team rocket boss, sitting in a ig chair, never see his face in the flashbacks or like the bad guy in inspector gadget, more like him ig since we actually see the team R boss face quite often nonetheless, theres a form of mystery folding this whole business... THE MAN acts in the shadows and he hates to see how dark those are, he wants things to be like it used to be back in slavery times good oltime for him but.. not for the fam

ofc then here is introduced THE REAL MAN OF MEN => undercover brother, our hero and damn he has the style of a whole pack of elephants trampling around in pink disco suits every ladies wanna a piece of that sweet fro he is packing up on his head, funky

ngl, the whole way this mov is filmed n edited is sike asf, dope guys especially considerin its actually made in 2002, loving it anyway then were also introduced to the other secondary protags who are from an organisation here to stop The Mans evil doings and careful: undercover bro was actually a solo act until now cause now they gonna collaborate all throughout da mov: its the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D, with conspiracy brother (tbh a fav here, guys wack like the whole plot guy thinks computer comes from a story involving peanut and idk guys he keeps rambling bout bs which makes him a+ character) smart brother, chief and sister girl (original name/10)

so btw the organization is on a mission rn at the beginning to destroy The Man (lets call him tm for the rest of this rev) financial infrastructure aka funds to stop him better or smthg and it gets spicy as they get caught but ofc undercover bro barges in from nowhere wow big disguise as an old man no one noticed him so like slash bawow boom vlam, bad guys ko and he squeedaddle out of there like twas breeze gg man, he also get fed a nice editing of xrays battle like with a side of kungfu n whatnot, undercover bro knows his stuff

nice sounds effects ah yes btw romantic intrigue with sister girl begins here, its the zinc of the flinch as ub (undercover brother) notices her big wink wink nudge nudge, btw later she is asked to go enlist him in the corps so he can help stop the man with them n shit and he trynna get her in his bed cause thats we this brother is used to, getting laid as soon as he meets a chick, who can resist this dude?

he gots moves, fro, style, skills and also at times he is a pussy but k, not everyones perf sometimes you just simp for a white blond blue eyed woman (spoiler) and crawls on all four looking like a big preppy nerd btw in this review im trynna not spoil the whole plot cause guys, this movie gotta be on yo watch list kay? im not here to ruin this experience in yo life itd be pretty uncool of me so im just gonna state the big lines then its up to you to swoop the tiny ones out of the watch, knot your own breds n stuff

back on the whooper slapping: intro credits roll, we get some nice back story for our hero, making sure we can understand his cause in saving the black peeps from TMs assholery might truth n justice be your guide

so what the big plot then? well yknow how a big antag cant do shit on his own cause hes too busy sticking brooms up his ass in his private quarters? yea well same goes here so there this gay guy who will be twerking later on btw, a scene to behold, rumps to ogle at, so hes a bad guy and gay n gonna do most of the dirty work for TM, whats new? idk what to think of it yknow its a stereotype in movs so ig ok still uncool but ill see it as all in good spirit cause theres bad n good im not excepting this to be the best watch of my life, nah it wasnt either, but i had a good laugh kay? makes up for it cause unlike some here i got no shit up my ass alley its clean scrubbed up n down so i can smoothly take a chillax up n a shit out without a night tormented by constipation, nah its all sliding where it should no pain no sweat

so the big lines is that a war hero whos a black man is gonna become president and wtf no is the only react racist mf could have which is what they have, bad guys gonna stop it from happening at once and the brotherhood aint letting it happens cause obvs something is wrong as every black peeps gonna turn into a stereotype like waddup in this mad world? its all because of the poisonous fried chicken brand TM will get around ty to another poison to make our war hero delusional n so on were also introduced to white evil she-ra later btw, just dropping this in cause undercover brother really wants to make oreos with her n sister girl (his words) ig shes the second love interest, im not too invested in this romantic intrigue it was just necessary not like twas very developped anyway its even more of a bedroom intrigue when it comes the the white blue eyed blond chick, sister girl before hoes yo

whats it in conclusion about this movie? first, the plot: hilarious biznasty worthy a+ bs especially how its turned yknow, the clichés were turned upside down n if not theyre just turned into a big satire of themselves editing + music ? yknow its actually good, and funky asf im digging it, a travel in time nostalgia of times i lived acting is pretty neat its not an ironically good movie cause its hilariously ridiculous in the making way its all about the plot here, plot twists and characters, the whole universe ig like its superior to big mamma sorta plot or maybe im dropping this comparison cause its been a while since i saw big maam, for sure twas under estimated while over brought when this here? it got freshness packed in

the spoiling was light and this is cause this movie got a 69/10 rating jk 8/10 if were gonna be serious, im gonna list wats unwoke n uncool here: 1 gay villain stereot, gotta be honest here its not that big of a deal tme seeing when it was made and how i still laughed yknow idc this much but some could go apeshit over it 2 not enough conspiracy brother content: this is all i ask for 3 had no snacks while watching the movie, too bad id dig a aj or grape soda right about now n then 4 more lines for car wash chicks jk this last one idc about, but car wash representation is lacking once again in american movies, i cant believe how looked over it is, as if they didnt need smore rep in the medias its not an easy job washing car all day long, standin in those ghost buster lookin suit while staring at the hot guys in hot wheelys, whos gonna pay you a drink when youre just an old carwash lady? thought finally a hero would step up in this movie but there it goes thrown out da window, the potential was real until it got blown away sure sister girl was a solid character but give the washers some credits cut them a slack of free time n have a lil date together there on top of a truck to keep it native

nonetheless this is a top rec for anyone who feels like slipping into some conspiracy slippers

tg, out

welcome 2 my twisted mind ex dee ?

PREFERRED NAME — james uwu

PRONOUNS — she/they

AGE — 20

TIMEZONE — est

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ONLINE? — everyday all day usually hjfdnkmg

HOW DID YOU HEAR OF WATERSHED? — i actually first found lockwood while going through the recommended blogs on mobile when you search up things via it (i think it was ‘new rp’ tht i searched) n then the next i checked they’d gone ovr to watershed n then there were Other Things bt i didnt end up joining until a few weeks or like a month later impulsively n now its been many months n im still here BJDNSKFMG love u guys

DISCORD — sniff #3644 where im also always online

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — musing @svrgcnts​ n my pinterest is ‘big tid’ or offbrandsodapop uuuhh i dont think theres anything else!

MYER-BRIGGS — infp turned istp we call tht character growth

HP HOUSE — i honestly dont know anymore ive gotten all of the houses before bt ive just taken a test n i got slytherin so like :///

ZODIAC — aquarius!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — not to the point where it dictates who i like / dislike

DO YOU ENJOY ASTROLOGY? — ya im a slut for when things tell me what im supposed to be like bc i dont have a sense of identity

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — uh like 19 bt ive been rping since i was 10

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — early 2018 so actually i might’ve been 18 for a lil bit DJNKFLG

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — listen i’ve had many, many good experiences bt for some reason what came to mind first was a weird owner/slave smut rp tht i stumbled across (never joined bc im ... not like that) n i was just rly baffled by the concept even tho ik its a Thing bc i thought smut rps died out like in 2017 BJDNFKMG

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — i want a fucking capybara

WHAT PET DO YOU GENUINELY CONSIDER GETTING SOMEDAY? — i want a cat even though im rly allergic to them

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — the apocalypse made me brave by girlfriends

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — um probably like ,,, the crucible ,,,

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — god i dont know i’m not hard to please bt i wont lie i also like ... didn’t finish half the books i was supposed to read in high school. of mice & men maybe ... i hated books that didn’t do much n just wrote a whole bunch of nothing even tho i like those books now ... i think bc they were for school ... outside of school i hated the hazelwood n i think that the grisha trilogy is a bit. weak. bt i love six of crows. n also the um. theres this one YA series tht i never read bt i can tell i dont like NJKSMDFFDG

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — schitt’s creek DSJKNFDGF um i’ve also been watching gossip girl a lot & also asoue & also also i just started watching um end of the f***ing world n its very good so ?? i watched the first episode of his dark materials n i liked it n i havent finished looking for alaska bt its also very good

WHAT FILM DID YOU LAST WATCH? DID YOU LIKE IT? — uuuhh i think it was scream tbh ??? and ya it was p swell

FAVOURITE QUOTE — im a slut for anne carson bt i cant name any quotes directly rn i have rocks for brains

LINK TO A VINE / TIK TOK / VIDEO THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this immediately came to mind

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i used to write outside of rp bt i havent in ages bt when i do its usually like modern magic / urban fantasy / whatevr those kinda elements n abt faeries bc i like faeries

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL LOVE & TRUST — jenna marbles, micarah tewers, and uh ,,, claire frm bon apetit

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — cary elwes ... andrew scott ... anne hathaway ... first three tht came to mind

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — no bt david dobrik was in miami and i was NOT and im UPSET bc i want his MONEY

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am not in pain. thats it thats all

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — jeffrey epstein was murdered haha jk thats not a conspiracy theory thats FACTS

ARE ALIENS REAL? — ya sure why not

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — lily’s garden please play im level 1241

PLAY ANY OTHER GAMES? WHICH ONES? — i played all the bioshock games n rly enjoyed them ... deponia the entire series which is still my favorite video game 2 this day

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i never finished my rewatch of the golden compass bt thats just bc i didnt feel like finishing it uuuh ... i dont know i enjoy things too easily

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — buttons n seashells and rocks and flowers until theyre dead and then i collect dead flowers and then empty glass bottles that look kinda cool and jewelry boxes or tin containers and i used to kiss an index card every time i wore lipstick and kept it, i had over 100 filed away for no reason at all bt i lost them & then i also collect condoms :/

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — i wna learn how 2 make jewelry n like ,,, embroidery bt i know how to embroider i just wanna get back into it n i wna learn like. knowledge. academic stuff too bt im also too lazy and im just a dumb old horse so :/

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian n french n ig spanish too

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — shrek ? austin powers ? princess diaries / elle enchanted ?? halloweentown n all the sequels ??

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — shawn spencer frm psych, veronica mars, penelope garcia frm criminal minds, mike myers’ cat in the hat, dr. evil frm austin powers bt also his son scott evil, scooby doo probably, daria ??? i relate to my dog bodhi :/ puddles the clown

IS THERE ANY MEDIA (BOOK/MOVIE/GAME/TV SHOW) YOU FEEL CHANGED YOU IN SOME WAY? — six of crows / fleabag / deponia theyve all made me cry before bt like. continuously cry.

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no.

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — um. redacted

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — big fish directed by tim burton go stare at danny devito’s bare ass do it do it do it i never even finished the movie i dont think BJNSKDMLFG

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? (IF NOT APPLICABLE, WHO DO YOU LIKE MOST IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES) — edward

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — um thts rly hard bc i dont know bt i have a ticket so let me just check ,,, the joker i went n saw the joker

DO YOU STILL READ FOR FUN? — occasionally bt i dont have motivation so

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — n/a BDKFJ

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 5 bt thats just bc im not feeling gr8 today

Carly & Ali

Carly: 😢💔 Carly: treats not tricks Ali: Baby Ali: You can't say seeing Drew shit himself was anything but a 🍬 Carly: ha Carly: hide & seek? Carly: goldie's gonna b too sad to play unless ur sister steps up her comforting tho Ali: fun Ali: or manhunt Ali: and not a fate I'd wish on anyone, that Ali: he can be on our team, stop him pouting too hard Carly: let him hunt u & he couldn't be happier Carly: even if i offered to take off clothes each time i got found Carly: but you want his boy bestie to find you yea Ali: so telling Ali: Lene would have a field-day Ali: ain't no one's prey, baby Carly: nah hes urs Carly: sweet enough to eat Ali: nah Ali: no one's sweeter than you 🍓🍯 Carly: aw Carly: 🐅💙 Ali: I mean it Ali: you be captain, you pick Carly: cos u havent tasted him yet Carly: u pick & then tell me whos sweetest after Ali: do you want me to or don't you Carly: u wanna Carly: he does Ali: I'm asking what you want, though Carly: i want you to have fun Ali: I am Ali: with you Ali: you don't need to worry Carly: its k & so am i Ali: promise? Carly: ur cute & u dont need to worry Carly: hes just a lad Ali: I know he is Ali: like I knew he'd be a good fit for this trip, that's all Carly: idc if u wanna fuck him on this trip or when we get back is what i mean Carly: u can like him if you don't like him as much as me Ali: I don't like anyone as much as I like you, Carls Carly: is that a truth or a dare? Ali: it's the truth Ali: I don't need to be dared into nothing Ali: I want you Carly: u wanna make me cry i reckon Carly: being 👼 Ali: not even Ali: like you said, if either of us wanted to go there with anyone else, it's a bridge we'd cross as and when Ali: I'm not gonna do anything behind your back, trust me Carly: u don't have to Carly: u can do anything u want Carly: not ur ex Carly: cute as she is its v intense Carly: im letting ur wings stay open Ali: you don't have to be the anti-her, you know Ali: just be you Ali: I care about you, what you want and what you think, just tell me that always Carly: ha what would the anti her b? Carly: ur sister mayb Carly: or drews Ali: either way Ali: not what I'm after Ali: 😬 Carly: idk drews sister is cute Carly: & hed b so mad about it Ali: world's most confusing boner, you mean Carly: 😂 Ali: not looking to blow either of their minds Ali: again, in his case, of course Carly: he's the cutest when he don't know what's happening Carly: like a baby 🐕 Ali: if I was being a bitch I'd say that was always Ali: but I've already wounded his ego too much today Ali: bless him Carly: ha Carly: never heard a boy scream w out being touched Carly: learning things this trip Ali: 😂 Ali: stick with me, babe Carly: 🏫 Ali: not 'til Monday Ali: 👎 Carly: im not gonna go Carly: say it was 👽 Carly: snatched for being this sexy soz Ali: good thinkin' Ali: if they're too squeamish to ask about sickness and diarrhoea, they ain't gonna deepdive into probing, like Carly: or 👻have taken over my body Carly: brb after the exorcism 😈 Ali: shame we ain't kicking it catholic Ali: they'd do it for the fun of, beats a normal day of Carly: @ my gma Carly: shes 😢💔 i dont want jesus inside me Carly: he's too nice like Carly: not my type Ali: could always go for Judas Ali: #hotfriend Carly: o true Ali: plus Iscariot is an amazing last name so Carly: baby we gotta get divorced rn Ali: 💔 Carly: dont b sad Carly: ill b back w a great name u can take Ali: hold you to that, girl 💍⛓ Carly: u can Carly: i love u more than any biblical figures Ali: even Mary Magdalene? 😍😍😍 Carly: dont tell her Ali: keep it between you and me Carly: 💙👼 Ali: you're so cute Carly: you're cuter Ali: nope Ali: I 👑 you the cutest Carly: aw Carly: if it goes to a vote youll win tho Ali: nah Carly: yea Carly: ur sister & ex dont like me Carly: the boys like u more Ali: they ain't got the good taste I do Carly: thats putting yourself down! Carly: they all love u Ali: but I love you Carly: i love u Ali: let's go be alone Carly: yea Carly: shoo the 👻s away for us baby Ali: 🔫🔫🔫 Carly: my hero Ali: you know it Ali: not to be my ex about it either Carly: she did rescue me too first night ever Carly: & shes not that bad Ali: 😒 why don't you marry her Ali: 😉 Carly: too straight Ali: 😂 Ali: we'll show her how straight you are Carly: she invited now? k then Ali: maybe not SEE then Ali: hear Carly: if she hears they all will Carly: sure u want that? Ali: let's deliberate Carly: what does that mean? Ali: that we're gonna start and then I'll see how I'm feeling Carly: o Carly: thats a dare isnt it Ali: if you're up to it, baby Carly: u kno i am Carly: & i can make u be louder than me Carly: if u wanna double dare it Ali: you know I do Carly: yea Carly: i can 👀 Carly: ur eyes r really blue & ur cute face is really pink Ali: it's the 🔥 Carly: nah its me Carly: hotter Ali: not gonna disagree Carly: not what i want u to say Ali: go on then, you 👀 Ali: what do you wanna 👂 Carly: more fun to make it happen Carly: if i tell u course youll say it to be sweet to me Ali: okay, let's play then Carly: where? Ali: don't think we'll be able to stop Marlene coming through if we desecrate her car so Carly: so cute Carly: take our chances w the dead then Ali: you aren't scared anymore, are you? Carly: ive got u to protect me y would i b Ali: and I swear, all treats Ali: or you know, the fun kind of tricks only Carly: ive missed u so much Carly: ur here i kno but scooby gang r too Carly: & yea drews the 🐕 Ali: 😂 omg too real 'cos Caleb is clearly Shaggy Ali: you can be Daphne, babe, I'll allow it Ali: but we can be alone all day Monday, yeah, I promise Carly: which 1 is the hot nerd cuz if its ur sister thats awks boo Carly: soz she loves me if she's the scarf wearing fashionista still tho Carly: ur ex coulda got away w it if it weren't for us pesky kids 😠 Ali: we'll let Meena and her duke it out who wants to be who Ali: I'll have to be Scrappy and I'm not even mad tbh Carly: aw ur that cute Ali: 🥊 Carly: thats y id go anywhere w you even ur exs car Carly: so safe w my baby Ali: always boo Ali: I've got you Carly: hold my hand not cuz im scared Carly: dont let go til u have to Ali: that's a challenge isn't it Carly: if it feels like 1 ill have to b that bitch & throw ur 💍 @ u Ali: 😂 Ali: you know how holdable you are Carly: dont leave me yet k Carly: its so loud in my 🧠 & 💙 how much i dont want u too Ali: I'm not leaving you ever Carly: im not saying u gotta promise me so hard Ali: but I am Ali: 'cos I'm not Ali: I love you now, no matter what Ali: I'm gonna be here for you Carly: i kno u mean it Carly: ur 👼 energy is always around me now Carly: but he's a nice lad who likes u thats not coming around much so don't forget Ali: I'll try not to take that personally, babe 😜 Ali: but I know what you mean Carly: do u cuz being w u is like its still summer @ a party where pretty girls keep telling u ur pretty & the lads who r rides wanna get u drinks & u kno every song thats playing Carly: like being high but w out chasing it or any of the shit u have to do to get 💊 Carly: & it lasts the comedown dont get u Carly: idk its hard to explain cept ive never met anyone like u cuz there isnt Carly: but theres girls & lads same as me everywhere Ali: baby Ali: that isn't true and you've given the proof right there Ali: you've got a poet's soul Ali: you're so special and you don't even know it Ali: that makes you more Carly: ur really magic Carly: im sorry Carly: dont b mad at me Carly: or sad Ali: I'm not Ali: why would I be Ali: like ever Ali: but especially right now Carly: idk Carly: i wasn't ur go to girl for pranking every1 Ali: not because you did something wrong Ali: not because of anything Ali: if I thought about it at all I was just trying to involve everyone, you know Ali: make sure everyone's having a good time Carly: jk 👼 baby i kno ur intentions r pure 💙 Carly: y ur 👑 leader Ali: okay you got me back then Ali: 💚 Carly: ha im full of tricks & treats Ali: 😏 come show me Carly: k

Bʀᴇᴀᴋ Mʏ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ 🌙 pt. 6

~тaeнyυng х reader~ yoongι х reader ~ ~ ties 

~ prev ||  next

a/n: uhhh idk what this is tbh. its a bit of a mess. but ill post n e ways lol

requests are open

-----

Your days seemed to drag on for the rest of the week until Friday came. Usually throughout the day you had Tae either texting or facetiming you with random questions, or even showing up to your place just to be in your presence. But this time it’s like he’s avoiding you or he has better things to do than to update you on his daily adventures. Having too much pride, and lowkey insecure, you don’t reach out, you don’t want to feel annoying or clingy. 

The screen in front of you displays a marvel movie, wishing you had your best friend next to you because he loves superheroes and movie marathons. You were sat on your bed with a bowl of popcorn, candy, and a couple beers pre-gaming for the night. Normally people pregame with friends, but what are those? (lol jk). Yoongi was actually on his way to your place, he said you should show up together to catch everyone’s attention. It wouldn’t be a big deal because you were just friends but now everyone knew about your kiss and they were curious where it was leading to. 

You grabbed your nearly empty beer can and swallow whatever was left in one gulp. As you get up to throw it away theres a knock at your door and you make your way to open it for the one and only Min Yoongi. 

“Oppa!” You say as you open the door, raising your arms up.

He smiles and chuckles at your enthusiasm, “Babe!” 

“Ugh. It’s bad enough I blush through text over this little nickname, you had the audacity to say it in person,” you start walking to the trash can. 

“I like seeing the little pink in your cheeks when I fluster you,” He walks in and grabs one of your beers.

“Hey Hey! You’re driving, no more than 2 beers.”

He nods at you and he sits down, “So are you going in these little hello kitty pjs or.. are you going to change?” He stuffs his face with popcorn, “Personally the hello kitty speaks to me... she’s like family.” 

“Well Min Kitty, I can’t decide what to wear... I want it sexy but comfy.”

“Lets go to your room and see what you have. I’ll judge the sexiness and you can judge the comfiness.” 

You look around your closet trying to find some cute tops but you feel like everything is too boring and you want to catch Tae’s attention tonight. Yoongi sees your frustration and walks up to your closet and starts grabbing random pieces he sees. He lays them down on your bed and looks back at you almost like your mom would do when you were 5. You chuckle at him deciding what’s good and what isn’t. His hands reach up to a satin black dress with lace trim and he holds up to you with a gummy smile. 

“This one. The material makes it all sexy but because it’s not too tight you can still move around freely and have fun,” he winks, “I should be a stylist instead of a producer.”

You laugh and grab the dress and ask him to leave so you can finish getting ready. After adding accessories and makeup you walk out to not keep Yoongi waiting. As soon as he sees you, he gasps and compliments you as much as he can and smiles like an idiot. He grabs a hold of your hand and leads you out to his car. 

You arrive at Tae’s and you feel a slight bubbling in your stomach, you were excited to finally see your best friend and talk to him. Walking into the front door you see the usual scene from every party, couples scattered along the walls making out or dancing, groups taking shots and laughing, and your best friends in the kitchen talking. Holding Yoongi’s hand you walk to them to begin your little game and to have fun. 

“Mom and Dad!” you yell over the music and run to hug the new couple, Namjin.

“Hi sweetie. You look so good!” Jin says and winks. 

“Thank you Oppa,” you smile.

“Hi Bunny and Chims” you reach out to hug them.

“Taehyungiieeee opppa why have you been missing?” You say and try to hug him.

“Y/n-ie, I wasn’t I just got really busy and I forgot to text you,” He returns the hug but quickly going back to his position and scratching is head. 

You pout at him and grab a cup to begin your drinking. These boys always seem to make some sweet concoction of alcohol to get everyone drunk faster. This time it looked like fruit punch and a lot of vodka. Taking a sip you make a face of how bitter it was and Tae giggles.

“I made it this time. Jungkook usually adds more juice to hide the amount of alcohol but I drank the other fruit punch.” 

“Mmm. It’s not bad,” you smile and clink your plastic cup against his. 

You decide to stay by him and try to talk to him and see what comes from it. His lame excuse of being busy not being enough to dismiss his actions. You stood there talking into each others ear updating what has happened during the two days which doesn’t seem like much but you had gotten used to him so it felt like 2 weeks. You start to giggle at him telling you he bought 5 new ties to add to his collection and they’re all the same color but in different shades and different stitching patterns. 

Soon theres an arm wrapping around your wrist and you turn to see who it belongs to... its Yoongi oppa. You smile and go back to your conversation but Tae looks a little put off now and kind of seems to distance himself. 

“I thought you guys were just drinking buddies. Isn’t he being a bit too touchy?”

“Tae, he’s my friend. Anyone of the other guys could do it and it’s not a big deal.” 

“Yeah but he’s kissed you that one time and who knows how many other times that I haven’t seen.” 

“It was only once. It didn’t mean anything...” 

“hey want to go dance for a little. he seems a little jealous if i take you away he’ll get even more jealous,” Yoongi leans in to your ear.

The thought lingers your mind for a second because you’re not sure if it’s worth it. But he grabs your hand and nods over to where the make shift dance floor was and you let him lead you away from the kitchen. Turning your head to Tae’s direction you see him drink what was left off in his cup and start to pour himself more. 

---

Yoongi’s arm was tightly wrapped around your waist, his hips moved to the way yours did, allowing you to take the lead. You could feel his breath on the back of your ear as he moved your hair away from it and whispered to look to your left. There stood Tae all alone watching you as you danced with Yoongi. Your eyes meet up and you can’t but put on more of a show and get as close as possible to Yoongi. He senses your intentions and gently turns you to face him, his goofy grin on display as he winks letting you know he’s taking the lead now. 

You move your bodies along to the beat and start to move in closer. His eyes move from your eyes to your lips and he mouths “Can I kiss you?” to which you only nod your head in agreement. He leans down connecting your lips and it feels like two soft pillows against yours. It felt like you melted into him as you opened your lips slightly to deepen it. Still grinding up against each other the kiss seemed to get more sexual than you anticipated as you feel something hard near your stomach. He pulls away and looks down to his growing... problem. 

You giggle, “Seems like Oppa got really into it today..” 

“Shut up. I hate you. I’m going to go hide forever and possibly cry,” He pouted. 

“It’s okay Yoongi oppa. I’m getting tired let’s go back to the guys.” 

The little show you put on seemed to drive Tae away as he was no longer in his spot and instead with a really pretty girl. You couldn’t help but feel a little sting on your heart because nothing was working, your little plans didn’t do anything to him. He kept doing his thing and even trying to score his girl for the night. Yoongi held your hand and took you to where your friend group stood playing beer pong with each other and getting drunk off their asses. Hobi oppa was nearly falling on his ass every time his turn came up, Namjoon was too drunk to play and just holding onto Jin to keep his balance. You wanted to pay attention and enjoy the moment but your eyes kept searching for Tae. From a distance you saw the top of his head, the blonde hair very clearly standing out from the rest of the crowd.

He was laughing and had his arm around the girls shoulders, he seemed to be doing his usual flirting. He looks at her and at the stair case nodding his head up. He wants to bring her up already to his room and get it over with. You sigh and look back your friends. 

At this moment you could be a bad friend and cockblock, or you could be a good friend and let him get his dick wet. OOORRR you could eavesdrop until you break your heart hearing them have sex.

I mean I guess you’re down to hurt yourself because you start walking up to them seeing as they start going up the stairs. As they’re halfway up you stop at the bottom of the stair case wanting to give enough time to not get caught. Walking up, you feel your heart pounding. You almost convince yourself to let it be but you want to see it with your own eyes. In the last two years of knowing him, you’ve seen him talk up girls and have his fun with them but never settle for one. At first you didn’t care what he did, you had your fun too and had a couple hookups. But the more you got closer, the more you knew him for him, and not just a fuckboy, you realized he was amazing. Every beginning to a hookup you witnessed tugged at your heart but you ignored it as best as you could. It didn’t help that every single one of his adventures were told back to you in detail because you were his best friend and he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. 

You make your way up to his door to listen in on his conversation. Pressing your ear against the door you make sure not to make any noise. At first it’s all giggles and feet walking around his carpeted room but no sounds of kissing or sex. Weird, you thought. You thought a man like Tae would get right to it as fast as he could to get rid of the girl faster. 

“Oh! Do you wanna see my closet? I have these ties that are so cool,” you can hear his enthusiasm through the door

Oh god. Is this his game? you thought

“Sure. Let’s see them.” 

For a fuckboy he really a baby boy that needs love and attention.

“So this one is actually one of the favorites, I usually wear it when the temperature is just right... I call him 46,″ He says and you know just the tie he’s holding. Its a dark grey one with yellow stitching and a nice stripe pattern with other tones of grey, it’s the one he wears the sun is exactly 46 degrees to the left.

He’s such a dork. Ugh i love him. 

“What about this one Taehyungie...” She says with a bit of lust lingering in her voice. 

“Oh that’s the one I wear when... I’m about to have a lot of... fun.” 

“I guess you better put it on then..” 

Gross 

You step away from the door disgusted yet surprised at his lack of game. You make your way back down and look for Yoongi, you’re ready to leave. Almost as if he could read your mind he walks up to you. 

“Someone looks ready to leave.” 

“Oppa, I just heard Tae get a girl by talking about his ties... Is this how men are nowadays. Is this what I should prepare myself for in the future?” 

“If you want to be with him then, yes. But men nowadays are more straightforward; he’s a dork and a dumbass.” 

Yoongi and you get in his car and begin to drive off. Your thoughts run wild at how stupid you are to even listen in on his private moments but you couldn’t help but be an idiot and a bit nosey. 

Not so badass boyfriend jk and the cockroach fiasco drabble ♡

wc: 1,700smthin (i added some sht rn so the wc got messed up)

warnings: cockroach death, mentions of the word cock & pussy, sexual themes, this is somewhat a crack drabble

this was inspired ofc by my favorite beings in the world: roaches. jk. i h8 them so much & theres so many in our house and i just wan di3 but i decided to write this shtsterpiece instead. anyway here it goes enjoy or wutevs! jk.

You were cuddling with your boyfriend Jungkook on the sofa in his dorm, while watching a movie with all of your friends, (all of the other bts members + you're all uni students btw) when an unwanted visitor decides to fly and land on top of jk's TV.

It was your most hated winged creature to ever exist on this entire fracking planet, and it doesn't help the fact that your mortal enemy could withstand a nuclear explosion. Although they aren't that invincible, and could easily be killed by being squashed, hit with a slipper, or by being sprayed with an insect spray. You still hate that a few of them can survive high levels of radioactivity. Anyway, going back to the bothersome cockroach that's stressing you a lot, maybe more than your weabooass-mayhaps-secretly-or-not-so-secretly-a-furry-gamer boyfriend, the horrid thing just flew again, now towards your direction. Making you flinch and scream a little, also making your boyfriend surprised by your sudden movement and screaming. "Baby are you okay?" he asked in a worried tone. "Guk...there's a jungcockroach. Kill it please, you know I hate it so much." you told him in a pleading voice.

"Where? and did you really have to call it jungcockroach?" he asked, and you looked around trying to find where the fck it is now, "Idk, it flew in our direction and oh- there it is! just right next to you on the wall! omg kill it! get it away from me!" you screamed, startling jungkook. Which also made him scream in his high pitched voice, because he was shocked. Your friends also wondered why you were screaming and shouting, and when they finally saw the reason why, they were alarmed too. Hoseok screamed and said, "OMG I'm going out of this room until you kill it. ohmygod I hate bugs!" Jin also screamed loud and decided to follow him out of the room. Joon, yoongi, jimin, and tae didn't seem too bothered. They just looked concerned for you.

The cockroach flew again, but it went to the floor, and crawled somewhere in the room. You weren't that scared of it now, that it wasn't flying anymore. But it still wasn't dead, and you were still a little afraid if it reappears, and flies again. Though, you could blame your boyfriend's scaredy ass for not killing it and just screaming at it. Like you did.

"Guk, why didn't you kill it? you just screamed like those undercover agent guys from that white chicks movie." you asked him, mocking the way he sounded a bit, cos he screamed like a girl. "In my defense, I was shookt because you screamed, which made me scream too." he said rather defensively. "Really? or is it because you're afraid of cockroaches like me too? oh my god. and I merely agreed to date you, because I thought someone would finally protect me and kill these pests for me. You were such a badass when i met you though, it turns out you're just as scared of them as I am. How saddening," you asked him, and joked about only dating him because you thought he'd kill these annoying pests for you. But he didn't quite get it and took it a bit seriously to which he replied,

"I just don't like them or bugs in general okay? It doesn't mean I'm scared of them. And what do you mean you merely agreed to date me because you thought I'd kill em for you? I clearly remember you saying, you'll date me because my big cock's a keeper." he said smugly, to which your friends faces wrinkled in disgust. "Um, guys we're still here, pls don't forget." Jimin had said.

"Sorry guys. But sure, whatever you say baby guk, don't worry I won't break up with you. Even though you're scared of bugs," you teased jungkook. "I really am not scared of damn cockroaches though, that pest should show up now. And I'll prove to you that I'm not scared of them." He said too proudly, and not long after, it did show up flying towards his shirt. He tried to fight it, but he shook it off his body instead. Staring at it wide-eyed after doing so til it fell to the ground, and jimin stomped it with his foot, and all his might, ending the nasty thing's pathetic life. "Well, you really proved you're not scared of them gukie. Thanks to jimin though," you said sarcastically. "Jimin ssi, you should become my new boyfriend. I'm breaking up with gukie, cos I need a brave man with real balls to protect me." you told jimin coming up to him, but you really just wanted to get jungkook worked up. Jungkook just glared at you looking annoyed. You actually succeeded in getting under his nerves.

While you were busy teasing jungkook, you didn't notice another cockroach appearing. But this time jungkook had an evil plan, "Um hyungs, why don't y'all go out for a bit. I'm just gonna talk to y/n about our relationship, or whatever that's left of it." he said, feigning to look angry, being like the great actor he is. Sensing that you and jk might have a couple fight, the hyungs obeyed and went out of the room, leaving the two of you alone.

"Y/N, how unfortunate, it's just the two of us left, jimin can't protect you now." Jungkook said with an evil smirk. "What do you mean guk? he killed the cockroach already, I won't have to worry about one for awhile." you replied. Jk found it amusing you didn't even see another cockroach crawling towards you.

"Oh. But what if there's another one? idk baby, but I think that nasty thing crawling towards you looks like a fracking cockroach to me." He said triumphantly, and when you looked down, it was indeed another annoying roach. You moved away from it, but it looked like it was crawling towards the wall instead. "JK kill it please, I can't deal with another one again ughhh. Why won't they stop attacking me?" you were so annoyed and distressed, you just wanted to disappear forevs. "What's that baby? you want me to kill it? oh i dunno if I can though cos I'm so scared of bugs, maybe you could do it yourself since you're so brave. Or you could call jimin, but I think they went home already. Anyway, maybe I'm gonna go out for a bit. Goodluck with your friend..." his cocky ass said, heading for the door.

But he isn't really gonna leave you alone with that nasty pest right? you won't let him. "Ughhh baby I take it all back. You're not a coward, you're the strongest and bravest person in the world! so get rid of the nasty creature now pleaseee." you said loud enough so he can hear and reconsider leaving you to die by the hands of a dirty cockroach, "Really? just awhile ago, you were saying you were gonna leave me for jimin though. But since I'm a merciful being, I'll help you and do it, if you beg again nicely and do something for me in exchange." he wants you to beg again and do something for him, of course. "Fine. My brave and ever so handsome boyfriend, can you pretty please kill that cockroach for me? I was just kidding when I said I'll leave you for jimin sir, I would never choose another person who'll never have the same big dick energy as you. I'll certainly do anything you ask me to do in exchange."

"Well since you asked nicely, I'll get rid of it now for you, baby." he then approached the oblivious insect which was now at the wall, it didn't fly yet but before it could do so, jk had hit it with a book making the roach fall to the floor. He then proceeded to stomp on it, to make sure it wouldn't live anymore. "Done, that was gross. Oof. I didn't realize I used Jin hyung's book that I borrowed to kill it. Maybe I'll just tell him to wipe the cockroach's juices off of it." he said uncaringly.

"Ew. Shouldn't you wipe it yourself before you give it back, like a good person? Anyway, thanks for doing it for me baby, I knew you were still a bit scared but you still did it anyway. And I really was just joking when I said I only agreed to date you, so you could protect me. Ok, maybe that wasn't entirely false, but i love you, you brave bun perfect or not. And I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world." You were being soft, but he just had to remind you of the thing he asked for, in exchange of getting rid of the pest.

"I love you too baby, and I really wasn't scared anymore, because It was fun seeing you scared and wanting me to be your hero. I'm still not gonna wipe that roach's juices off jin hyung's book though, cos I don't feel like being a good person today. And about that thing I want you to do...I just want you to wash my dishes for a month, and don't bother me when I'm playing my video games. It's not too much isn't it?" he said smirking.

"Of course it isn't baby, though I guess you won't be getting a blowie or any type of action for a month then. We're not frickfracking for a month, how tragic. But my glowing fidget spinner anal plug and me will still enjoy, idk about your hand though," you retorted. "What? baby nooo. I changed my mind, you can annoy me anytime even when I'm playing, just don't take away my smashing privileges. I wouldn't last a day, without your pussy in my cock." he exclaimed.

"That's what I thought so. I'm gonna shower now my brave cockslayer, cos all that roach fiasco got me feeling nasty. you're more than welcome to join me if you like." you said, as you went to the bathroom to shower. "I'm coming, I wouldn't pass up a great opportunity to use my privileges, as always."

♡

A/N: sorry for the grammatical errors/typos as always. yk i can't write for sht but I still do bec it's fun to share my crack ideas w/fellow crackheads shsh. I tried to edit this but u cant rlly notice it cos i suck at writing 😂 anyway it's just a drabble bec i h8 flying cockroaches sm!

Reflection: the end?

It is crazy to think back to the beginning of this quarter and see how far we’ve all come as individuals and as a group. I still remember seeing everyone for the first time in front of Tom Bradley. I was four minutes late, and I remember seeing a bunch of faces turn as I sprinted over to join the circle. I was shy, I was overwhelmed by all the amazing individuals that stood before me, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Seeing such a large group as well scared me, I started to overthink, how is our group dynamic going to be like, am i going to make friends, will they like me? All these questions ran through my head.

Fast forward to today, right now after finally removing the cream out of my hair, I am in bed typing this at 2 in the morning and I can say that I am truly content. I am so grateful that I have found a family that I feel so comfortable being around. I feel like since coming to UCLA I really struggled with finding a tight-knit group of friends, a lot of the friendships I was making here felt fragile and tentative. After all these weeks of getting to know each and everyone of you, including the actives and the PMs through interviews, I can say with clarity that I am so happy with where I am now. 

@tamlynsasaki honestly from the moment we talked in front of tom bradley and then having you by my side in the car during i-night, I knew we would get along. I love you for being so understanding and for being someone that I can always talk to about long distance relationships and problems I am facing. 

@micheleshi my JPPPP! I am so happy we got paired together. Your radiant personality literally lights up my day and I always feel super happy and can’t help smiling when I am with you! Thanks for always having my back and for being so patient with my last minuteness. I love you very much!

@han-hannah HANNAH! You are one of the sweetest people ever. You are so genuine and kind and caring and hardworking and honestly just someone I look up to! You put your all into what you do and thank you for taking such detailed notes during monday meetings, we really couldn’t have done it without you. I love you!

@jtran9816 JACKIE! I’m so glad that we’ve gotten to talk more! Your facial expressions are 10/10 and you are so sweet for reading my rants on tumblr and actually privately messaging me about it to see how I am doing. Thank you for reaching out and I appreciate you so much <3 <3 ILY

@tranyconnie CONNAAYYY CONNIFER CONCON tbh I was lowkey intimidated by you at first because you seemed so confident and good and dancing and ahh! I am so glad that I got to joke around with you/drink/talk to you to realize you are super chill and ilysm 

@andyaliao​ andy i literally love you so much! from the moment I first met you I wanted to b your friend because you are so genuine and sweet and easy to talk to! I feel like I can really talk to you about anything and you are so understanding and nice about it! Love you forever <3

@brigittephung22​ brigitteeee literally I knew no one when I was rushing so it was nice when we talked because I was like omg yay im making friends! You were so sweet and easy to talk to! I really loved talking to you about relationships during scavenger hunt and i look forward to more talks like that hehehe love you!

(i realized this is a bad idea omg theres 17 other people omg omg ok im going to finish this)

@ryanneis​ RYANNN! tbh I was so shy in the beginning and your jokes that were LOWKEY RUDE jk actually made me feel like I was more apart of the APPLEGRANDMAZ and it made me more comfortable to be myself and open up! Honestly thank you for that and you will forever be my miming partner so don’t you go miming with anyone else im watching you like a halk

@nguyenevonne​ omg when you sent me the text apologizing for making jokes that might come across as offensive i was like GIRL NO! literally it made me feel more comfortable actually because I was kinda shy in the beginningggg so thank you!!! I LOVE YOU and honestly everytime I see you and hug you I feel so much better. You also crack me up so much ilysm

@ngkatelyn​ KATELYNNNNN! Honestly i rmb talking to you during that speed circle rotating thing in front of tom bradley and I was like omg this girl is so social and easy to talk to and cool I want to be friends with her! Lol! You are so easy to talk to ilyy

@heyyyson​ hayson!! I enjoy reading your tumblr posts a lot! You always have so much to say and a lot on your mind and I love that you are not afraid to share it. I feel like it is so easy to talk to you and you give great advice. Thanks for being there even if it was brief after lock in, I felt so much better <3 LOVE U

@jonathantnguyen​ JONATHANN! My president! Thank youu for always checking up on me and seeing how I’m doing! You always keep me on track and honestly you are so unfazed by all the sickness/disease/shit that gets thrown onto you and it is really inspiring to see that. one day at a timeee love you!

@leeeaannewooong​ leeeeaannnneee!! my person-that-stands-next-to-me-every-meeting! ILY! Thank you for always checking to see if im ok after each roast i honestly feel so much better:) You are also so on top of your shit and organized and is definitely someone i look up to! Thank you for being you and ilysmmm

@jackeytang​ jackeyyyyyy! You are one of the people i rmb during rush because you were super social and always had something to say! ALthough you don’t show affection very much I can see through your actions how much you care about us and how we are doing and ily so much for that. Also love your dark/twisted-ish humorrr :) :)

@gabrielsalazar​ GABEE the man!!! You crack me up so much omg when you first spelt camaraderie wrong and said it so confidently i squeezed your hand because I couldn’t stop laughing. Everytime you mention public speaking I also laugh sorry:D I love you for being someone I can always have a good time with <3

@heavenhumphreys​ heavennnn sorry for drawing demon claws on your shirt but i luv u gurlll thanks for always hyping me up even though we both know I can’t dance :D Ily and girl you chugging that tequila you should be the one with tequila in your name not mee :D You’re always so confident and you’re a natural leader that makes sure we actually get shit done so thank you for that <3

@dlam79​ DANGGG! LOL my partner for the PAC appreciation eventtt lol we were both so stressed and freaking outt. Thank youu for doing a lot of the work and being so patient and accomodating because of my freaking midterms. You are so on top of your shit, without you i would’ve died lolz also i love your sass and attitude and for putting up with my mess hehe ilysm <3

so uh i think this turned more into an appreciation post than a reflection...but honestly I wouldn’t be who I am now without you guys! even though pledge quarter is almost over we are still going to spend time tgt okkk. I feel like through this quarter the most valuable thing I gained was friendship <3 Apple grandmas for life!!!

Also my title may be misleading but i can say with certainty THIS IS NOT THE END THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING as cheesy as that sounds. Also I lowkey like writing these tumblr posts...im kinda inspired to like keep a daily journal or something. It’s pretty cool to look back and recall what you did :)) OK GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

85 questions tag !

Tagged by @wtf-taeyong, and thanks again for the tag ! ^~^

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

Last…?

1. drink - Water with lemon !

2. phone call - My mum

3. text message - My boyfriend, haha. Were just online shopping together

4. song you listened to - Gods plan by drake lMAO

5. time you cried - Idk like a few days ago when i watched wolf children again with @taeyxong

Ever…?

6. dated someone twice - Naaah bruhh. I cant repeat mistakes haha.

7. kissed someone and regretted it - Nopee

8. been cheated on- Lmao (sadly yes)

9. lost someone special- I suppose so

10. been depressed- We all feel depressed at times

11. gotten drunk and thrown up- Happens way too often ! 

fave colors

Omg this messed up the number format but ... pastel pink, pastel yellow, and white

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Definitely—on this site as well as in person ! ^~^

16. fallen out of love - Nope ! 

17. laughed until you cried - All the time. I laugh easily at a lot of things so imagine what im like when something is actually hilarious

18. found out someone was talking about you - Yeah ! But its okay, it doesnt matter because people who know you the least always talk the most about you !

19. met someone who changed you - Definitely, @ loving bf

20. found out who your friends are - Alway knew and we stuck together since senior year of hs

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - I dont even have a facebook

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - I really dont even have a facebook and i also wouldnt add people i dont know in person

23. do you have any pets - nO but i want to claim my cousins dog. She has a white shiba

24. do you want to change your name - Nope ! Its a present from my parents so id never : )

25. what did you do for your last birthday - My friends and i got a hotel room for the night and partied in there

26. what time did you wake up today - Like 07:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - Sleeping lol

28. what is something you can’t wait for - Summer plans !

30. what are you listening to right now - Back to you by selena gomez

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - No ? But ill reserve this for the day i meet tom misch lmao jk

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - Nothing really ! Things have been really placid

33. most visited website - Youtube and google drive !

34. hair colour - Light brown to blonde but im going back to pink

35. long or short hair - I have medium lengthed ! Its by my ribs

36. do you have a crush on someone - Yeah who else

37. what do you like about yourself - I like my personality !

38. want any piercings? - I dont want any more : ) i have seven and i regret getting that many and i honestly believe it was just my experimental edgy period ahaha. I dont even wear earrings anymore

39. blood type -  ???

40. nicknames - Every time i see this question i cry. Just make more puns already omg. Rae is a nickname, billy rae cyrus, raenglish major, sun rae, raeddy, furrae ... help.

41. relationship status - Taken !

42. zodiac - Leo

43. pronouns - She/Her

44. fave tv shows - I dont watch tv !

45. tattoos - I have one on my back and its a minimal outline-like drawing of dolphins hopping above waves. (It really isnt extra at all lol it looks like someone with a great steady hand drew it with a .38 pen on paper)

46. right or left handed - Right

47. ever had surgery - Nope

48. piercings - Sadly seven

49. sport -  Im all in for basketball these days, but in my other tags ofc i stated ping pong and badminton, etc.

50. vacation - Heck yeah i just got off one

51. trainers - ???

more general

52. eating - Nothing but im probably going to drive for ice cream

53. drinking - Water like always

54. i’m about to watch - Nothing ?

55. waiting for - My motivation to kick in so i can write soulmate ten more

56. want - To be happy ! ^~^

57. get married - I want to !

58. career - Professor, definitely. I want to make each class meeting more extra than the previous

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - Hugs are nice, but so are kisses

60. lips or eyes - Eyes

61. shorter or taller - I dont really mind to be honest. I care about personality way more before physical qualities. It just matters whether or not youre happy with the person and for me, looks isnt needed ! They fade away over time, but a good heart doesnt : )

62. older or younger - Doesnt matter to me either, but no huge age difference for me, haha

63. nice arms or stomach - Doesnt matter either

64. hookup or relationship - Relationship because my hoe phase is over

65. troublemaker or hesitant - I aint bringing a trouble maker home to my parents

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - It can happens

67. drank hard liquor - It isnt deemed a party to us unless theres hard liquor lol so yes

68. lost glasses - LMAO yeah i got new ones recently. Theyre the trendy circular ones

69. turned someone down - Yeah

70. sex on first date - Nope

71. broken someone’s heart - Yeah but im sure they grew from it the way i grew from heartbreaks—we all do

72. had your heart broken - Oh yeah

73. been arrested - Nope !

74. cried when someone died - Yes

75. fallen for a friend - Yeah ! Feelings cant just be prevented; people cant help how they feel often ! Usually when i crushed on someone i would just tell them and if i get rejected then i move on, and if not then we start something. My bf was a friend i fell for really hard and i told him, and then we ended up together : )

do you believe in…?

76. yourself - Always have to !

77. miracles - No ?

78. love at first sight - No, but attraction is !

79. santa claus - When i was five lmao

80. kiss on a first date - Not for me, but it happens !

81. angels - ? :x

other

82. best friend’s name - Lucy and i made jokes of her being lucy from fairy tail a lot before. Now all we do is watch miraculous ladybug and cry

83. eye colour - Brown

84. fave movie - I guess iron giant; i dont watch much movies

85. fave actor - Dont have one !

Tagging: @taeyongtime @taeyxong @jungwxoo @jencto @amorenjun @okmica

Only if youd like ! ^~^ Maybe thisll serve as a break from writing, haha

July 2021

1 - the toners i bought from sociolla arrived yay. loll i got into portal’s hall of fame somehow. usual day at magang. slowww progress of that sympo 1 ppt hhh. went back home and its raininggg yall. this week my hygiene habits and isya prayer was screwed. i cant bring myself to DOOOO things. i basically only get stuff done outside.

2 - started 2nd ppt (i know!!! super slow aaaaa). bought dough lab OG cookies and cookie monster since it was discounted at grab’s PI outlet. bought matcha mcflurry w juan when going back to AR. ate roti canai, the whole mcflurry, and tried the cookies. the sugar, bruh. all this time, im not lacking energy. im lacking sugar lol. watched two set and played marapets lol

3 - binged twoset violin. cant bring myself to do ppt. Finally managed at night.

4 - dayslept. Not sleepy but cant bring myself to do anything. Supernova technical meeting at 1 pm and some gmeet with iship wa group and suddenly its maghrib,,, did like 2 slides of ppt

5 - went to post office to get str and arrived 8 sharp. No one was there. Anjeng. They said wait until 9. went to tax office. Closed. Off to rscm. Ugh the traffic!? Surprise of kiara "internship" that on the very same day was cancelled

6 - its a struggle to reach rscm ugh. tried to go through sudirman but the toll exit was closed. so we went through tebet. gajah 2 was also sealed. while waiting for juan i bought snacks in indomaret. lol, got no cash. liqo with kak kartika and fell asleep halfway through lol,,,

7 - this time we’re going through kemayoran lmao and exited the toll at rawamangun. bought saladstop caesar salad just bcss they have this collapsible bowl bundling, together 140k (after added grab promo) lool. 

8 - today i didnot went to gastro since its off day due to a gastro staff getting covid. went to RSF for operan with dr dedes. took pictures with dr vera and we made heart using hand lmaooooo my koas soul felt scared doing that. tried the sushi mom bought at lotte mart. she also bought milk buns and it was good! like a marriage between bread and mochi. my stomach felt super bloated to a point where it hurts so i ate paldo wet ramyeon except i put too much water and the seasoning was diluted. 

9 - im supposed to do ppt but i cant bring myself to do it. i lazed in my bed literally all day. bingeing two set. reading webtoon. playing marapets. felt like utter shit. thought that id start my day after maghrib but nah. ended up sleeping

10 - still feel like shit and cant bring myself to start my day. And didnt do anything lmaoo

11 - cant bring myself to start my day~ ended up starting work like after maghrib. Its more difficult with things where u actually have to think bcs u need a certain headspace. Got sbux matcha and that shit rly helps me feel "normal".

12 - intern as usual. The 4 ppts are "finished" and i contacted the prof after mustering some strength. Zoom call with prof to check on the ppt. Bought a delicious es jeruk somewhere along the way to AR. Talked to mom abt picking wahana. The list was finally out and it was jakarta fair. Ara called, her grandpa passed away and shes afraid to go back and potentially harming her familys health. Showered but slept right after without doing anything meaningful 😔

13 - today is the 2nd "special batch" of internship idi. Followed along the war as a practice time. Theres a lot of vacant spots. And that scared us wanting to go national lol. I hope everything will be fine. Another zoom call with Prof, ughh theres so much to reviseeeeeee and i havent made any word material

14 - its only nessa and me today at dept. Picked rs krakatau medika together w nessa. Clara told me abt how her mother is sometimes toxic. Cant rly focus on work today bcs of internship stuff. Had headache ec lack of sleep that lasted from 2-6 pm. Immediately slept like a log after isya

15 - turns out nessa also want to pick rskm loll that makes 7 ui peeps in rskm. Did some good progress by alienating myself in Prof's cubicle. Moral message: whatever time you think youd make the ppt, it will be more. Bought martabak tipker orins yum. Its like lekker on steroids. I still prefer martabak pizza more.

16 - did 1 word for the ppt. Bought jco donuts w nessa bcs my mouth was lonely. Sent 1 completed topic to Prof and pamit.

17 - cant bring myself to do anything~ felt like shit~ played marapets and watched tiktok and youtube

18 - pembekalan iship today

19 - more pembekalan iship. Medical checkup today at labkesda. Met nessa mendel adita regen clara agung. Ate kfc together at nessas place. Went to dinkes jakbar for sppd. No ppt progress aaaaaa

20 - packed my stuff. Originally planned ti leave at 2 pm but theres a lot of uncertainty so i decided to leave tomorrow. The real certainty came at like 9 pm.

21 - off to cilegon 05:30 ish. Filled the gas. Arrived 07:15. Moved my stuff. Went to pkm with mom et al and ness mendel. Swab. Back to palm wates. I felt sad when mom had to leave. She must be tired, but she keeps supporting me with everything that she has. I know its always been like that but sometimes distance makes you see things (?) maybe its bcs im outside ar right now. Bought food. Printed stuff at a place 600m away. Did ppt work accompanied by mocca goodday (that i just knew was good lmao)

22 - zoom orientation today. Still managed to laze out and not do my work -___- tri was out so i was alone. Ate gold chick for brunch. That stuff is oil mixed with food. Finally did some work. The night orientation with dr Selfie was pretty shocking, but it was rly informative and i think she did it out of love.

23 - puskes 1st day. Orientation and turns iut we headed straight to poli lol. Had my very first poli umum with the kind dr arief. My first patient had bee sting :) the second was breast lump :) its rly a slap in my face to go study. Stayed in nessa's for a bit to do some work, except i felt rly tired and gave up at like 4 pm. Bought kebab around the corner (15k). Unremarkable. Kanayam for dinner, w some for breakfast 2mrw

24 - slept early so i woke up early. Tri also. We did some working at like 3 am til subuh. Poli was not too crowded since it was saturday. Helped mendel irrigate his ear in the puskes ER. Waited out the 2 pm standby. We ended up driving to merak except for esa lol. Bought kanayam again lol. Ended up sleeping early again

25 - nasi uduk 88 for breakfast. Some ppt work. my family came bringing motor hehe. Moved to mess. Met dr Ine. Learned how to use washing maching. More ppt work. Bought nasgor just in front of the mess

26 - vaccine post today. Zoom with IDI cilegon. Nessa cooked macaroni and meat. Talked a bit and then suddenly its half past 10. No significant ppt progress today. Im rly sorry Prof 😭😭😭

27 - MTBS poli today. Bu ningrum gave me cimol and jantung pisang and sayur and salad buah hehee. Some orientation. Did the last ppt for Prof. Can finally rest (??) nah the words still not finished. Overall mood today: ☺️

28 - poli usila today in bp with mendel. Injected mendel with his 3rd sinovac. Went to dinkes for SPPD.

29 - vaksin with mendel. lots of patients. porridge for bfast. talked about love life lmaoo. tried sate bebek h. syafei. quite good but sate klathak still holds the first place in my heart. finished the 3rd word doc and sent it. just as i was about to sleep, i saw the notif of jk going live. hes basically dancing around in his pjs at 1 am lmaoo <3

30 - paldo jajangmen for bfast. BP. shoot a video for e-promkesline. soto for lunch. bought kopi soe goela merah and croffle. the croffle was not as hard and crunchy and thick as social affair’s. the choco-nut topping was so so. the coffee was bitter like tuku, but not as smooth and creamy (?), not too acidic. did ppt of ecmocard data an hour before the zoom sesh.

31 - vaccine with dr anggi. went back early. bought some stuff in indomaret. lunch was abon, rice and leftover veggies. finished the last word manuscript for Prof along with kopi soe and sent it. vcalled w mom. had simba pillow mixed with sport muesli for dinner. 

and the long rambly email, so far.

Hey brian. I don't know if I'm going to send this but I guess part of me just wants to know that I did my best to explain where I'm coming from even if nothing comes from it, I won't look back and be like well maybe if I'd explained myself more... idk.  It feels futile bc in my experience it just feels like if you have decided some piece of information or feedback is threatening or uncomfortable to you, you will just refuse to hear it or acknowledge it til the end of time. which makes it utterly impossible to work through what should be simple conflicts. I talked to MC about your visit today. she said something like, "I know you aren't someone who is freely vulnerable very often, and as someone who also struggles a lot to feel safe with vulnerability I can really understand how hard that was." I dont know brian, I guess thats why I wanna clarify that it wasn't that you weren't "emotionally available" bc like I said I really wasn't asking for or expecting anything from you. i was just expecting you not to actively throw it back in my face and make me feel like I would lose you for showing my feelings in front of you. I mean, I didn't actually know to ask that, because I hadn't really considered it as a possibility. I felt genuinely shocked. I couldn't imagine ever responding that way to you if the situations were reversed; it would feel so awful and cruel. when i was passive aggressive for a second while you were having anxiety I immediately felt so horrible. if anyone else in my life acted that way towards me, well, it's a moot point because no one else who I keep around in my life would dream of it. my therapist spends all this time trying to convince me that the people I love aren't going to abandon me if I let them see how I feel or let myself have my emotions in front of them but I guess she doesn't know you. i spend $100 a week trying to work through that shit so idk, pay me. I know alcohol plays a role in the whole thing but I also feel not into like using alcohol as a catch all excuse anymore in my life, obviously I still drink but its not a good excuse for being shitty to people you care about, or at least for not taking responsibility for it. If you want to explain where you were coming from or your perception of the situation go ahead, I will listen. slash read and consider. maybe my memory is off. I just want to say that like being able to identify why you acted shitty doesn't justify it. youre an adult and should be able to take responsibility for yourself when youre feeling insecure or whatever. you dont get to just lash out at people without consequences because you were feeling bad or anxious. I don't think you hurt me because youre like "hurting parker is just my idea of a good time." and even if I had been mad about something you did, which I wasn't, I don't understand how that really makes it okay either...  If youre not a person I can feel safe like, crying in front of, telling you that I"m not mad at you but some hard feelings about sex were coming up for me and I was just processing it but it wasn't about you.... without you actively making me feel like shit for expressing that and like you would leave me as a result... how can i feel safe trusting you or like I can be myself around you? I mean especially as someone who is supposed to "love" and "care about" me sooo much who I've known forever, not some stranger... like if a tindr date said they were leaving bc I was crying, sure. but I think some tindr dates would be nicer than that. but you? I just don't know how you don't see that.  as a side note I guess it did honestly feel hurtful that you lavish so much love and affection on me from afar and then so instantly feel certain you dont feel that way actually when were in person. i know you shrug it off, and I can't say I'm exactly mad about it cause I guess you can't help it, but it does make me feel like all that love wasn't real and theres something wrong with me or something you dont like when you actually have to be around me. you tease me about saying that 5 days seemed "daunting" to you but it did actually make me sad that we talk on a constant basis and then like the idea of seeing me was so hard. i mean obviously in retrospect you were "right" to be nervous or something but yea I guess I just like I feel some rejection when it comes to you especially seeing you "in person" which feels hard and disconcerting when u go back to being all like in love with me once you're gone, yea idk and just have this whole time struggled with feeling alternately like some rejection and then also like really intense validation. but so it goes. i guess thats just saying that even if this visit hadnt be like Bad Bad bt had just been lackluster it would have felt weird to go back to talking how we had been. but, who knows how this visit would have gone if that night hadn't happened, I know things were weird and off/awkward with us all weekend largely bc I didnt tell you how I was feeling but then also didnt know how to relax around you or be normal and yea that felt like no "spark" but maybe there wouldn't have been anyways, I don't know. I wish I'd said something sooner, also I hope you can understand why I didn't or was afraid to and who knows how the weekend would have gone if I had... maybe not any better, I dunno.   but yea not texting you right now still feels hard and sad. I've wanted so badly to text you throughout the day. I know we have leaned on each other too much in order to not feel lonely but yeah so now I feel really lonely especially with sophie gone, I just felt soooo alone after you left. seeing you cry when I dropped you off made me want to take everything back and say I dont actually feel this way, I love you and of course you wont lose me, maybe I overreacted, etc etc just wanted to walk everything back. but I don't think I'm overreacting and idk I don't think that pretending everything is fine will fix anything... idk brian, i love you and I care about you and I can't imagine you not being in my life, although I guess you weren't really there for a bit. but sometimes people are friends for a long time and then they stop. I don't think I want that and I know you have been there for me in a lot of ways as well. I just dont know.. how do we interact in a way that isn't like codependently leaning on each other but isn't like distant and surface level either? I know you've said it was hard talking to me a ton after the last time we split , I know this sitch is different too but I dunno. I dunno how to find the right balance esp when I really am struggling to trust you in any sort of deep way. you also seemed to have this attitude of like "well I can't take it back now" and thats true but people/relationships do heal from hurt all the time it just takes a certain kinda work I don't feel that I will get from you.. happy to be proven wrong though..  I'm reading an article about "reforms" in the local sheriffs dept, they are getting body worn cameras and straight up saying the cops want them bc they think they will get the off the hook more often than not *~*~*I talked to kyle last night, cried some, anyways he hates you now. jk ish. definitely was like "wow fuck that guy." which wasn't actually what I had intended to convey. It's hard for me to talk to other people in my life here about anything with you because idk, your behavior sometimes is just so unreasonable and unkind on its face people always get so like against you if I actually tell them things you say to me and such, and then I feel like I'm actually in this position of just like trying to defend you and be like "no but he can be really great though and I really love him" and such. I've been in that dynamic before in "relationships" where I don't feel I can tell my friends about what is actually going on because then they will absolutely not support me being with that person and yea it's not great. I know that I know you better than they do and that you're really a very caring and loving person but its hard to reconcile that sometimes with your thoughtlessness at other times. I guess this is what you were talking about earlier in this whole thing.. about how far we've drifted apart, I guess in terms of who we surround ourselves with and such. I told kyle youre someone I've known and loved for long before I started having the current standards I have for people in my life. but, I'm also really deeply grateful you're in my life, and I'm glad to have had you come into my life when you did and to have stayed in it all this time.I felt so much better and less alone after talking to kyle and that helped clarify how much I was freaking out because of missing you versus how much i was freaking out about being alone. it was nice feeling like I could cry around someone about something that was hurting me and have it actually create intimacy rather than drive them away, as it should, so that was validating and healing in a way, like yea im not crazy. I don't want you to not be in my life. I want to continue having a close friendship with you that isn't like awkwardly not addressing unsaid things or like surface level and yeah like i want that trust back blah. and maybe I fucked that up by restarting things romantically when maybe we were on our way towards that again.  arms sore like from adrenaline day 3 lol I'm getting pretty sad not talking to you or knowing how youre feeling. it's become less urgent because I don't feel lonely/alone anymore per se. getting a lot of comfort from kyle thats maybe weird/ co dependent in its own way, hes been staying in sophies room, making em coffee and breakfast in the mornings / walking me to work etc. yesterday had agood therapy session, then played cards with some rfiends, then met kyle at owls club and hung out with him and some nurses, then kyle stayed over and we talked until we were both falling asleep on the couches, tonight im maybe having dinner (sex? who knows? I think I dont want ot, I barely want to hang out with him at all it feels like a chore) tonight. still nothing physical with kyle, I wonder if cuddling may imminent, but idk.well so what im saying is when yo ufirst left I had this panicky feeling that I couldn't tell if was about fear of being alone or about missing you and the lsat few days I have felt better and less alone, and I sitll miss you, in a not urgent way but in a, I want to hear how you're doing and I want you in my life, way. I dont know brian. I feel I'm sort of processed what happened and I am mad indeed but as long as we know we can like never be involved romantically lol i can forgive that you have a lot of unhealed shit and act poorly a lot of the time in relationsihp idk. blabla. and not being involved romantically,well, it doesn't seem healthy to be so dependant on talking constantly so I don't think we can go back to that. but regularly, I would like.I dont want to not talk to you.

Girls Like You (ft. Jeongguk)

→ badboy!jk, jock!au, prequel (part 2) to You Who [M] (part 1 here) → 8k words, (lots of fluff, slight smut, tiny bit angst)

A/N: Yay! Thank you everyone for enjoying the badboy!jk couple! You Who was my first fic to get to 1k notes, and after uploading the prequel pt. 1, I reached 1k! Thank you everyone again, I’ll be following up with a post soon! :) 

In the meantime, go check out my other tae fic, Give and Take, that I uploaded as another surprise :) It’s a similar au that I wrote before this prequel, so I think you guys’ll like it! 

You woke up with raging headache and you squinted your eyes at the sun shining through your blinds as you sit up. Grabbing your phone, you see the time 10:42 am along with other texts from Jihyo and Jungyeon. Groaning, you thank the stars that its Saturday morning and you have no other obligations today. You walk over to the kitchen and grab yourself a cup of water and chug it and rub your eyes. 

Your roommate walks out and laughs at your state. “Rough night?” 

You squint at her. “Oh god, I don’t even remember how I got home.” 

Nayeon frowns at you, “You don’t? I was next door, and I heard you talking with Jeongguk. Seems like he put you to bed then.” 

You scrunch your eyebrows. You distinctly remember going to get drinks after Jeongguk told you about the divorce, but everything after the moment you left the food truck was blurry. You gag, and clutch your mouth as you run to the restroom and empty your stomach into the toilet bowl. Nayeon just follows you silently and pats your back as you cough. “Damn, haven’t seen you get drunk in a really long time.” 

You groan, flushing and grabbing your toothbrush. “Ugh, I remember why I hate drinking, I’m a fucking lightweight and hangovers suck.” 

You finish brushing your teeth and grab your phone to send Jeongguk a quick text as you eat your cereal. 

[To: JK, 11:01 AM] Hey, thanks for bringing me home last night. Ugh, I have a horrible headache :( 

Usually Jeongguk is quick to respond, but even after finishing your cereal and getting out of a long hot shower, your phone is silent. You assume he’s busy with practice and reply to Jihyo and Jungyeon. 

[To: group message, 11:32 AM] Hi, im awake

[From: Jihyo, 11:33 AM] good morning sleeping beauty, it’s been a while since u woke up so late

[To: gm, 11:33 AM] Sorry i got shit drunk last night :( and i passed out until now

[From Jungyeon, 11:33 AM] uh WTF with who? tfti 

[To: gm, 11:34 AM] jeongguk

[From: Jungyeon, 11:35 AM] ugh I told you to be careful of him! what if he like convinced u into sex or something?!

[To: gm, 11:35 AM] ugh shut up he even put me in bed, relax

[From: Jihyo, 11:37 AM] just be thankful it wasn’t his bed

[To: gm, 11:37 AM] omg its not a big deal stop

[From: Jihyo, 11:37 AM] its so obvi u like him, we’re just trying to protect you.

[From: Jungyeon 11:38 AM] ya...heard from lisa today that the rumor is true. he humped and dumped jennie the other night 

[From: Jihyo, 11:38 AM] omg... srsly, why do you even like him? 

You set down your phone with a groan, curling up in your sheets, feeling a bit sick again at the reminder of the fact that Jeongguk did not see you as anything other than a friend. Which explains why he was okay with tucking you in with no problem and fucking a gorgeous girl like Jennie. You sighed as you closed your eyes. 

Jeongguk growls as he benches another five pounds on his personal best. Gritting his teeth he lifts the bar once, twice, before clanging it back on the original position, his phone lying discarded next to him. What a fucking joke. 

It was just his luck that you were too drunk to remember what exactly had happened. Just his luck that he ended up falling for the one girl that was exactly the kind of girl who deserved more than guys like him. You understood him, you were independent, kind, real, smart, sassy, funny, and everything he’d wanted in a girl. But he was the kind of guy who did one-night stands, who ended up unknowingly winning the bet on who got to fuck Jennie first, played football and was forced to attend huge parties where he got piss drunk again and ended up waking up with a ranging headache and an unknown body naked next to him. Rinse, and repeat. 

He never intended for it to become like this. What started as just getting accustomed to the team and its dynamics ended up in him developing an ego much too big for him to control, and a sex drive that he indulged too much. And now, it was too late. For once, he’d found something he wanted to prove himself to, pouring into his studies to impress you and convince you that he wouldn’t fuck you over like other athletes, and going lengths to salvage a friendship with you instead of scaring you off with the rumors of him being a fuckboy. The actions he did were genuine, he loved being able to walk you home to spend just a few more minutes with you, and tried his hardest to never miss your food truck nights. Whenever he saw you struggling with the huge textbooks, he found it natural to just sling his football bag over his shoulder and grab it from you, the thankful gleam in your eye when you smiled at him a much more than generous prize for his actions. 

You were different. You were honest, yet kind. You were funny, but still he found it so easy to just spill all his thoughts and concerns to you. You were so, so smart and diligent, and he really thought it was your most attractive feature, how driven you were on accomplishing something. And most important to him, was the fact that you knew him. He’d scrolled through your other texts that night, seeing how you defended him against your friends’ quite valid accusations about him. And his heart sank when he realized you harbored feelings for him since a while ago, feeling that he returned but was too much of an asshole to own up to. 

Because you truly deserved better. 

He was pumping again when Shownu walked up to him, offering to spot him. Jeongguk nodded and continued pumping the bar. The older boy commented, “Hey, so, you know that girl you’ve been hanging out with recently? Y/N?” 

Jeongguk pauses, “What about her?” 

Shownu grins, “Well Wonho and I have a bet going on to see which one of us can a nerd’s virginity first. And since you know this girl, wanna hook me up?” 

It all happens way too fast. Jeongguk slams the bar down in its place and gets up from the bench and lunges at Shownu, landing a hard punch straight on the linebacker’s jaw and kneels on top of him with his hands at the collar of his shirt. “Don’t you fucking dare to try that shit with her! I’ll fucking kill you!” He yells out, shaking the guy. 

The other guys training in the gym run over, grabbing the quarterback and yanking him away from Shownu, who’s bleeding from a busted lip. Smirking he taunts Jeongguk. “Why, you like her or something? Ha! Should’ve known your style was a cutesy little quiet nerd like her.” 

Jeongguk lunges again, but Jimin is there to pull his arms back. “Yo, bro, quit it. If coach sees, you’ll be off the team.” He mutters, and Jeongguk calms down, breathing heavily. He yanks his arms away from the boys and stomps towards the locker room. 

Jimin looks at Shownu who smirks at Jeongguk’s retreating figure. He’s never seen the younger one so angry before. “Not cool man.” He glares at the linebacker before jogging after Jeongguk. 

He finds the younger player sitting on the locker benches, his head in his hands. 

“Hey, bro, you ok?” He sits besides Jeongguk and waits for him to respond. 

“I’m fine.” He grits out and Jimin frowns. “Uh, well, you’re clearly not, so I’m not gonna leave until you tell me what’s been up your ass this whole time.” 

When Jeongguk doesn’t respond, Jimin carefully tests the waters. “Is it... is it Y/N?” 

Jeongguk stands up, grabbing his towel and heading towards the showers. “I don’t want to talk about it hyung.” 

Jimin watches him leave and glances at his phone on the bench. In the lock screen is another unopened message that Jeongguk probably hasn’t seen yet. 

[From: Y/N, 12:43 PM] Hey, are you ok? Can we talk? 

So he gets an idea and swipes the message open, using the quick reply option to text back a response before tucking it into the pocket of Jeongguk’s duffel bag.

[To: Y/N, 12:44 PM] Yeah, meet me at the game tonight. We can talk after. Wear my jersey.

You’re a bit giddy at the thought of finally going to one of Jeongguk’s games. Apparently, according to Nayeon, getting invited to a football player’s game wa a pretty big deal. In addition, wearing his jersey was also a pretty clear sign of interest. A glimmer of hope was in your chest, because Nayeon also mentioned that no girl had been invited to Jeongguk’s games, and better yet, he’d never invited any girl to wear his jersey before. 

Not even Jennie. So you smile as you check your hair, curled to perfection, once last time and smooth the jersey over your jean shorts. You’d paired some regular black converse with the look and a white t-shirt underneath the jersey to make the emerald green and yellow colors pop. Turning around, you smile at the large 58 with “JEON” stitched over it. Someone had dropped off the jersey at your door, and you suspected it was the one who lived three floors up. 

You check your phone and text Jihyo and Jungyeon that you’re on your way as you hitch a ride with them to the game. They, despite being quite studious, were still into the football games and went often. So you decide to sit with them. The bleachers are already packed when the three of you arrive, and Jihyo breaks off to go buy your snacks, and you and Jungyeon go to find some good seats. Thankfully, theres a small space for the three of you pretty close to the middle front, and you plop down before someone else can get it. 

Jihyo returns and you three chew on your nachos and hot dogs happily as you watch the game. You avoid their prying questions about your jersey and watch as Jeongguk literally owns the team. The stands erupt in cheers as he scores another touchdown, and he doesn’t even give them a glance as he runs back to center. You scream along with them, pumping your fists into the air and yelling his name. 

But he doesn’t even look your way, though, you note with a disappointed purse of your lips. 

Maybe its because he’s so into the game, you think, and you stand up to go to the restroom when halftime is called. 

You’re standing in line for a refill of your drink per sans Jihyo’s request, when someone taps you on your shoulder. You whirl around to see someone in a jersey with a helmet on so you smile widely. 

“Jeongguk?” 

The figure whips his helmet off and only then, you recover from your excitement and realize that this guy is shorter than Jeongguk and has a different number on his jersey. A handsome guy, with red lips and sweaty black hair smiles down at you. “Hey, Y/N right?” 

You nod hesitantly, gripping the cups in your hand. Since when did football boys know your name? “Uh, yeah. And you are?” 

He tucks his helmet under his arm. “Wonho. Nice to meet you. What brings you here? Jeongguk?” 

You nod, biting your lip as you take his outstretched hand. He holds on a little too long for your liking. “Um, yeah.” 

He smirks down at you, licking his lips. Other people in the line are glancing at the receiver chatting up the girl who had Jeongguk’s jersey on. “You guys dating or something?” 

You frown, “Uh, no, but it’s none of your business.” 

He holds up two defensive hands. “Woah, my bad. It’s just because I wanna get to know you a little better. How about you come to the afterparty?” 

“What afterparty?” 

He cocks his head as he hears a whistle, signaling for him to make his way back. “Basically, this team here is good, but we beat them every single year. We have parties whenever we win, and Jeongguk will be there too! You should come! Just hitch a ride with anyone and they’ll be going to Seokjin’s house. That’s where the party’ll be!” 

When you hesitate, he just throws another smirk at you as he jogs backwards. “See ya there!” He turns and runs towards the pit. And you step up to your spot in line, confused, but a little excited. 

As expected, your college’s team wins with an easy victory, and the crowd erupts in cheers. Jimin yells into the mic about the party, and the football team disappears into the pit. You try to follow, to try and get a conversation with Jeongguk and congratulate him, but you’re swept away by the rush of people getting out of the stands and into the carpools to Seokjin’s party. Sighing, you give up and hitch a ride with some girls from your math class to the house. 

It’s a huge mansion, the frat house, and is already booming with music and drunken people are dancing lewdly when you enter. It’s your third time at a party like this, and you recall why you haven’t forced yourself to come again to something like after the second. Parties like this weren’t your thing, and you hated how hot and claustrophobic it felt and how loud these things were. 

But you tack on a smile as you see the football boys getting out from their trucks in the parking lot a few minutes later, freshly showered and greeting the guests with handshakes and loud cheers. Before you can spot Jeongguk though, Wonho, from earlier jogs up to you with a wide smile. 

You can’t help but feel a tiny bit cautious around him, something about him was so off-putting. But he greets you politely, and smiles as he maneuvers you away from the entrance of the house and towards the kitchen. You look back to try and catch a glimpse of Jeongguk, but he’s quite insistent, so you let him guide you away. Leaning against the bar, he asks, “So how are you liking the party.” 

You bite your lip as you eye the dance floor and the overflowing drinks. “Um, I just got here so...” He notices your hesitation and smiles, “Well, then you gotta drink!” Ignoring your protests, he walks away from the counter, claiming to grab you a drink. You watch him leave with a pout, wanting to just go find Jeongguk. 

You sit down on a stool, observing your surroudings. The large living room has been converted into a dance floor, the DJ on the second floor bouncing along with the crowd to a loud beat that’s ringing in your skull. You can see couples giggling and jogging up the steps to hide away in one of the countless rooms, or making out furiously in the corners. In the dining room, there are boys who are chanting, “Drink drink drink!” at the new frat boy recruits, holding the poor kids above their heads as they stick a tube into his mouth and force him to chug the bag of beer. On the dining table, some people are doing body shots. You cringe as in the den you can see some guys whipping off their shirts and girls giggling as they remove theirs too in a game of strip poker. 

Was this the kind of world that Jeongguk enjoyed when he wasn’t hanging out with you? You frown as people elbow you and bump into you as they drunkenly stagger towards the dance floor, regret rising in you as you strain your neck to see where Jeongguk is. But he’s nowhere to be found. 

Actually, he’s sitting in the living room, in a corner where a few couches are clustered, sipping on his drink as he boredly ignores the chatter of the annoying girl next to him. He shakes off her arm when she gets too close, and rolls his eyes when she leaves with a huff. Jimin notices and plops down next to him. “Bro, you feeling better after the game?” 

Jeongguk finishes off his cup with a glare. “What are you talking about?”  

Jimin is drunk, clapping Jeongguk on the shoulder. “Well, you won, and Y/N was there to see it and all!” 

Jeongguk whips his head to him. “What did you say?” 

Jimin laughs again, too drunk to see his mistake. “I invited her to the game since you were too much of a little dramatic pussy to actually invite her yourself. She wore your jersey and everything!” 

Jeongguk stood up, knocking Jimin off his balance. “Where is she?” But Jimin was too drunk to respond, and passed out against the couch. 

“What the fuck?!” He grits out, grabbing his hair in frustration. There was a reason why he didn’t invite you to these things. It was because he didn’t want you to see how dirty these things were, and definitely after hearing what Shownu said the other day, didn’t want you fifty fucking feet near another football player. 

Yugyeom, one of the nicer boys from the team pipes up from the corner. “I think she’s here, Jeongguk.” He says lowly, and Jeongguk gapes. “How the fuck did she get here?” 

Yugyeom shrugs. “Not sure, but I saw her in the kitchen with Wonho hyung.” 

“Fuck!” Jeongguk surges up and out of the living room with a start, and storms into the kitchen. He sees Wonho leaning into you with a smirk and offering you a cup and he runs up and knocks the red thing out of your hand before you can lift it up to your lips. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He seethes at you, and he hates how his gut clenches at your face that splits into a bright smile like a fucking thousand christmas lights. “Jeongguk!” You exclaim, as he surprises you. “Uh, Wonho here invited me.” 

He turns to the smirking older male. Stepping up to him, he snarls, “You do anything to her, I’ll fucking kill you.” Wonho eyes the drink on the floor with a smirk and Jeongguk realizes with anger that the bastard had probably spiked the drink in order to win the bet. Glaring up at the male, he grabs his collar and growls, “I swear to god, you and Shownu better call off that fucking bet right now or I’ll make sure you won’t be able to say anything with that dirty little mouth of yours.” 

You jump up and grab onto Jeongguk’s arm, trying to pry him off of Wonho. “Jeongguk! Jeongguk, stop, it’s not a big deal! He was just being nice!” 

Wonho just sleazily smiles and yanks Jeongguk’s hands off of him. “Hear that? I was just showing her around. No need to get your panties in a twist man.” Patting his collar off, he assures the collecting crowd that everything was okay before winking at you and walking towards the cheerleaders. Jeongguk tenses up and pulls you behind him when he winks, and when Wonho disappears out of sight, turns to you with a glare. He sees you wearing his jersey, and wonders how the fuck that fell into your hands and how fate had messed up and dragged you straight into the trap that he was dreading on you witnessing. 

He grabs your wrist, ignoring the way you look up at him in slight fear, and drags you outside, where it’s decently quiet, away from prying eyes. 

“Ow, Jeongguk, let go!” You hiss as he finally lets go of your hand. You cradle it to you, the skin there red from his tight grip. He’s angry, and you’re not exactly sure why. 

“What’s your problem? You’re the one who invited me here and you’re acting like a little ass right now!” You yell, tears pricking your eyes. 

He visibly softens at the sight and steps up to try and comfort you. “Y/N, I’m sorry, that wasn’t me. One of the hyungs sent the text to you as a joke and dropped off my jersey to fool around with me.” 

Your heart sank at the words. He was angry because he didn’t want you here, didn’t want people like you mixing in with his friends. He watches as your expression falls and realizes how you misunderstood his words. 

“W-wait, Y/N, I didn’t mean it like that, wait,” He reaches out for your hand again, but the angry tears are already falling and you wipe them away with your hand before glaring up at him. You whip off the jersey, leaving you in only your white t-shirt and tearily croak out, “No, Jeongguk, I get what you mean.” and turn away and run down the sidewalk towards the bus stop. He catches the jersey and groans as he turns to run after you, but suddenly the music gets louder and his teammates rush him. 

They lift him up on their shoulders and throw him around, “Cheers to the quarterback! Drink! drink, drink!” They shove a shot into his hands and cheer as Jeongguk downs it, but by the time he comes back out and looks for your figure, you’re gone, the bus stop empty. 

What he doesn’t know is that while you were waiting at the bus stop, you were waiting for him too. One word, one action, and you were ready to apologize. But then you’re hugging yourself as the weather gets a little too cold, and someone walks up to you. 

“Well, isn’t it Y/N? The bitch that’s been dragging our Jeongguk-ie around on a leash.” You look up to see Jennie and her posse of girls glaring at you in their cheerleading outfits. 

You stand up, frowning. “Excuse me?” 

Jennie rolls her eyes. “Don’t play dumb with me, bitch. You call him your best friend and always try to get him to go on your little food truck dates. The entire school knows by now. What a joke.” Her friends titter as she smirks and continues, crossing her arms. 

“Let me warn you. Stay the fuck away from him. You know he’s been missing out on some of the parties because of you? And because of that he’s also been missing out on getting to know the team and the cheer squad. And it’s all because of your stupid little dates and you dragging him to the library. Give him some space, and stop making his life into a little charity event.” With that, she turns on her heel and walks away. The bus pulls up with a screech, and you clamber on, numb and still reeling in shock. 

You plop down on the seat, exhausted, and curl up in the corner and try to press yourself into as small of a ball as you can manage. Because the tears were coming, and this time, there was no one to hug you and make them go away.

Jeongguk wakes up again, recognizing the guest bedroom of the frat house, groaning as he rubs his eyes. It was 4 AM, and next to him a girl was passed out. With a glance at her face, he recognizes her as Rose, one of the girls from Jennie’s friend group and groans, realizing that this was going to cause ten times more drama than he wanted. Rolling out of bed, he grabs his clothes, a can of beer, and his phone and runs out, stepping over sleeping bodies and puddles of beer to get out of the house.

Last night was a mess. After you left, he threw himself into the alcohol, unable to man up enough to give you a call or even get in a taxi and try to find his way home, where he knows you’ll be. Because despite wanting to reach out and hug you close and reassure you that he’ll never hurt you again, is the nagging reality that literally, good girls like you deserved so much more than bad boys like him. 

So he digs his hands in his pockets against the cold breeze and begins briskly walking towards home. By the time he reaches the area, the sun has begun rising and he swigs back the drink and stumbles up the stairs towards your apartment. 

He collapses against it, forehead against the cool metal of your door, and bangs on it, yelling your name. 

After his drunken antics, two girls open the door, that he recognizes through his haze as Jihyo, your close friend, and Nayeon, your roommate. They glare at him with squinted eyes, clearly having been woken up by his fuss. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jihyo hisses. She makes a move to shut the door, but Jeongguk grabs the handle and yanks it back. “Please,” he mutters, “I need to see her.” 

Nayeon shakes her head. “She hasn’t been able to sleep all night because of you. Don’t you think it’s right to give her a little space?” When he doesn’t respond, she tries to close the door again but he slumps against the frame, croaking, “Please, please.” When they don’t budge and just glare down at him, he begins yelling drunkenly into the hall behind them. “Y/N?! Y/N! Please, please, let me explain myself!” 

Jihyo and Nayeon try to wrestle the door from him, and you emerge, your eyes red and puffy from crying. He stops and freezes when he sees you, and you walk up to him, and your friends disappear into the bedrooms to give you some spac. 

“What do you want, Jeongguk?” You whisper, and his heart sinks at the way your voice quivers. 

“I’m sorry. I never wanted to let you see me like that there,” he mumbles, still reeling from the drink. “I never invited you cause I didn’t want them to make bets on you,” he slurs, and you frown. 

“Jeongguk, what are you even saying?” 

He groans, slumping against the doorway. “’m just really scared of loosing you, that’s all...I really, you’re really m’ best friend ‘nd I like--” he slumps completely, and you scramble forward to catch him. Groaning under his weight, you steady yourself and call out to Jungyeon, and together, you both manage to shove him into the elevator and walk him to his apartment before letting him collapse onto the couch. He groans and mumbles your name and turns over, and you straighten up, glaring down at him with nothing to say. 

Jungyeon groans, “I swear I’m gonna fucking neuter him if he even comes across my sight again. You don’t deserve to be hurt like this, Y/N.” At the last thought, the water works begin and large tears roll down your cheeks. She coos, “Aww, Y/N,” and holds you to her as you sob again, unsure of how to feel. She guides you out the door and tucks you into your own bed, watching as you cry yourself to sleep for the second time that night. Looking at the time, it was already way too early in the morning to go back to sleep, so she shakes Jihyo up and storms out of the house with a glare of determination. 

“Okay, spit it out Park Jimin,” she snaps, crossing her arms at the frightened boy. “Or else I’ll literally grab the scissors over there in the cashier’s cup and jam it down your crotch.” Jimin glances nervously at the said cup and shakingly crosses his legs, cupping his family jewels. 

“W-what’s going on?” 

Jihyo rolls her eyes. “Oh, you know what’s going on. Why did you prank Y/N like that? We know you sent her the text with Jeongguk’s phone.” 

He recalls the incident and winces. “Oh shit, my bad. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way.” 

Jihyo glares, leaning forward with a glare. “My bad? My bad is what you say when you come and go to sleep before I even get a chance to take my pants off. My bad is what assholes like you say when you make a tiny mistake, not screw someone’s entire reputation and life over!” 

He holds his hands up in defense. “Okay, okay! Jeez, you’ll never let me live down that moment ever, won’t you?” Sighing, he leans forward. “I only sent that text to her because Jeongguk was being a little pussy. He clearly likes Y/N.” 

Jungyeon stops, “Huh?” 

Jimin nods, “He got really mad when Shownu and Wonho made a bet on who can get into a nerd’s pants first. So when Shownu asked Jeongguk to set him up with Y/N, he flipped.” 

Jungyeon curls her lip in a sneer. “You guys are literally, so disgusting.” 

Jimin nods sheepishly. “Well, I wasn’t part of it, so...yeah. But anyways, Jeongguk really likes her but he mentioned that he can’t make a move because he doesn’t want her to get a bad reputation from him. Did you guys say something to him that made him think like that?” 

Jihyo frowns, “Uh...well like we do tell her that she deserves better than him, like, practically everyday.” 

Jimin groans. “Of course you do. And you literally convinced him to back off from Y/N, when all of us know that they really like eachother.” 

Jungyeon and Jihyo exchange guilty looks. “Well,” Jungyeon pipes up, “Jeongguk isn’t really doing a great job of convincing us he can treat Y/N better otherwise, so, there’s that!” 

Jimin shakes his head. “Trust me, he’s a really good kid. It’s just that when he’s with the team, the older guys sort of pressure him to drink and go get girls and it just sort of happens.” He shrugs, “That’s the entire environment of the team. But trust me, Jeongguk is one of the more conservative ones and has started sleeping around less with anyone since he started hanging out so much with Y/N. The whole Jennie thing was a mistake. He does it often when he gets stressed out or mad.” 

Jihyo sighs, “You can’t expect us to think a guy like that is okay for our friend, do you?” 

Jimin shakes his head. “You know, I can’t convince you that he’s good enough for Y/N. Cause to be honest, from what I’ve seen, she’s a great girl and practically no one I know is good enough for her.” Your friends nod in agreement. “But what you have to do is trust her, that she likes Jeongguk for a reason and keeps him around for a good reason.” 

They exchange looks as they nod slowly, uncrossing their arms. 

“Hey, Y/N,” someone calls out, and you break out of your thoughts while sitting alone at the library. It felt too empty and cold there to get any work done anyway. When you catch sight of Jimin coming your way you sigh and turn back to your work. 

“Woah, hey, hey. Please just give me a listen. Let me explain myself.” 

You turn to him with a tired expression. “Explain what?”

He sits down, facing you with a solemn expression. “I-I just wanted to apologize.” 

You lift your eyebrow and he continues. “I didn’t mean to make it seem like a prank. Jeongguk had just been moping around all day and not confronting his feelings for you and so I just wanted to help him out a little. I had no idea he wouldn’t notice you were at the game, and no idea you would come to the party.” 

You run a hand through your hair. “I don’t really care about the text thing Jimin. I’m angry because of how Jeongguk acted at the party and how he’s just treating me like I don’t belong.” 

He sighs, leaning back in his chair. “Don’t you understand? You don’t belong.” He raises a hand to stop you from cutting in as he continues, “You’re so much better and kinder and smarter than all of us, and people like us don’t deserve to hang out with girls like you. That’s why, Y/N, that’s why he didn’t want you to come to the party, because guys like Wonho were betting on who could get you into bed the fastest.” 

“Th-they did what? A bet?!” You stutter, your breath coming out in short gasps. 

He nods, “Yeah. They’re the seniors on our team so no one really says anything about it but they’re really douchebags.” 

You think to how oddly nice Wonho was to you and scoff. They were really trashy human beings. 

He leaves with a final statement. “Trust me, Jeongguk cares for you. But sometimes, people like you deserve better, so people like us try to stay away.” 

Jeongguk stares down at the jersey in his hands, it still smelling slightly of your natural scent, and he fists the material as he grits his teeth. He missed you like crazy. Jimin had woken him up this morning and told him what chaos he made at 4 AM in the morning at your house and Jeongguk was so fucking pissed because even if he tried to, he couldn’t stay away from you. 

“C’mon team, let’s go!” The coach yells and whistles and Jeongguk shrugs on his original game jersey on with a grimace, pulling on his helmet and mouthguard. He jogs out with his team, the stands erupting in cheers as the team runs out. 

The team huddles and the coach reads out instructions for their plan of attack. Jeongguk was on the offense again this time as the quarterback. He zones out a bit as they yell coordinates, and Jimin pats him on the back. 

“Hey, Jeongguk, you okay?” 

He shakes his head, and Jimin pats his helmet. “Hey, do your best okay? She’s here.” He jogs away as Jeongguk whips off his helmet and mouthguard, and he turns around and scans the bleachers filled with people. 

But there are too many people in the stands, and he can’t find you and his coach yells his name before he can jog over to see where you are. 

You watch him from the sidelines, a hat stuffed over your eyes as you watch him hesitate as his eyes scan the bleachers. You duck your head even further until he runs off and joins his team and look back at him, the blaring 58 zipping across the field to take center position. Jimin had told you that Jeongguk was avoiding you because he felt like he wasn’t good enough, and if he was telling the truth, you were here to give Jeongguk one last chance.

All you wanted was some honesty. Because he probably had no idea how much you loved him, and how much you were willing to forgive everything he had done as long as he was willing to work with you. 

Your mind wanders as the game progresses, drowning out the cheers and screams from the stands. You pick at the holes on your jeans as you watch the game progress, and get up to grab a drink. You step down the metals steps and slowly make your way to the concession stand, making sure to keep your cap low over your eyes. 

Suddenly, a hand grabs you and whirls you around. You gasp in surprise as you spin around to see Wonho smirking down at you. 

“Going somewhere?” He sleazily grins down at you, scanning your body shamelessly. 

You yank your wrist out of his hand and face him with as fierce of a glare as you can muster. “Get the fuck away from me Wonho,” you hiss.

“Ooh, feisty,” he mewls, an arm slipping around your waist. 

But you grab it and crack his fingers towards his wrist, and he yelps with a growl, and tries to get out of your grip, when you kick him right in the crotch. Jeongguk had once taught you to aim there in self defense. He groans and falls to his knees, clutching at his balls. “What the actual fuck,” he groans and glares up at you. You glare at him, and grab your drink and walk away with a smirk. “If I ever catch you doing shit like those stupid ass bets again on other women, I’ll quick you so hard you’ll never be able to fuck again.” 

You walk out to the bleachers, expecting to see the game proceeding as usual, but no players are out running and are huddled at the corner of the field. You tap a girl who’s whispering with her friends. “Hey, I’m sorry, what happened?”  

“Jeon Jeongguk got hurt!” She exclaims, pointing at the huddle. “The other quarterback ran into him really hard and he’s not getting up. 

You drop your drink as you sprint towards the middle, but the fence prevents you from from running onto the field. You watch desperately as players and medics scurry around Jeongguk. 

“Is it a concussion, coach?” One of the players asks. 

The medic shakes his head. “I don’t think so. But I have no idea why he’s suddenly so weak.” 

Jimin scrambles down and pats Jeongguk’s cheek. “Hey! Get up! Y/N is here! You can’t give up right now!” Jeongguk opens his eyes and pants heavily. Jimin helps him sit up, “There you go, she’s right there!” He points towards you and you watch as they yell something at Jeongguk before helping him up and point at you. You’re confused because you can’t hear anything, but Jeongguk nods at whatever Jimin yelled and gets up slowly, grabs a drink, and then faces you. 

Everything stops, when he finally sets his sight on you, and he can see the worry on your face from halfway across the field. You’re gripping onto the fence and straining to see him. He musters up his courage, ignoring the way he was winded when the other quarterback slammed a bit too hard. But he was okay, and seeing you made everything even better. He smiles, and waves at you, and you burst into tears at the sight, relieved that he’s okay. 

With that, he turns and grabs his helmet, his members encouraging him as he joins once again on the field. 

He leans down, hands coming down to grip the grass. He remembers how you looked at him, desperate to see if he was okay. Jimin grunts out something, “Go get her, Jeongguk!” And begins yelling out instructions for the team. “Alright, 62, hike!” 

“Right right right!” “Lets...go!” “Hold your block, hold it!” “Go!” 

The whistle blows and the players rush at each other as the timer begins. Jeongguk grunts as he runs with the ball straight towards the goal post, and players jump and fall behind him, trying to grab his tail. His linebackers slam into the other boys, their shoulders slamming against shoulder pads and grunts echoing across the field. 

He yells as he strains his legs to run as fast as he can, the time ticking as the game draws to a close in a few seconds. Grunts and yells echo behind him, but he can’t think of anything else as he runs and runs towards the two yellow bars in front of him. He tumbles as he runs past the white line on the grass, and the bleachers erupt in cheers as he makes it past the yard line the moment the clock buzzes 0. 

But he drops the ball and doesn’t stop running, making a U-turn from the end of the field to come running straight to the bleachers. His teammates yell out for him, jogging after him towards the bleachers, but he doesn’t stop, because he has his sights on you. 

He whips off his helmet, and finds you behind the fence, which he hops without a blink, and waits until he’s in front of you. You’re looking up at him with trembling lips and teary eyes, and he smiles down at you, you’re seriously the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. 

He runs the last few steps and grabs you by the waist, lifting you clear off the stands and pressing you to his body. You begin crying, blubbering as he spins you and sets you down on the dirt of the field and leans down to hug you, a strong arm wrapped around your waist to keep you from collapsing and another pressed on the middle of your back, pressing your chest to his. 

And he sets you down, ignoring the whoops and hollers behind him. He cradles your cheek in his hand, leaning down to smile at you. You blubber, “Are you okay? You’re feeling okay? Jeon Jeongguk, I swear you had me worried sick I thought-” 

He smiles and whips off your cap, swoops down, interrupting your crying, and presses his lips hard against yours. You gasp into the kiss as he swipes past your lips, moving his lips against yours with desperation and joy and happiness. He grits against your lips, his smile so wide he can’t kiss you properly. “I like you, Y/N. No, I think I love you. And I’ve been so stupid because I don’t deserve you. But I also don’t ever want to see you walk away from me again. I’m gonna fight for you.” 

You smile up at him, tears still streaming down. “A-are you sure?” 

He smiles, leaning down to capture your lips in another breathtaking kiss. 

“I’m so sure.” 

It’s the night of your one-year anniversary with Jeongguk, the first week of senior year, and you’re currently at his house to work on a group project together.

Correction: you’re currently making out with your boyfriend on his couch, the assignment forgotten on the kitchen table. 

He groans as you perch on his lap and peck his lips teasingly, his hands coming up to grab your waist as a warning. You giggle and hold his cheeks as you lean down to press your lips hard against his, dipping your tongue against his lower lip and then nipping at it, earning another warning. “Y/N...” 

You smile as you wrap your arms around him, and situate yourself a little more comfortably on his lap, while, is currently trying his hardest not to spring up a boner at the feeling of you wiggling your ass into his lap. His hands are on your waist though, and his body betrays him because he subconsciously digs his fingers into the small of your waist and presses you closer against his chest. He practically melts at how soft you are and how warm you feel against him, and tries to hold himself back. Even though it’d been a year since you’d made it official, and a blissful year at that, he’d been careful on how far you two went. He knew you had boundaries that you were careful about, and never wanted you to feel pressured into taking your relationship a bit further. 

But with the way you kissed him and pressed your breasts to his chest and wiggled your hips against his crotch, his dick was saying otherwise. 

“Fuck, Y/N, if you keep this up, I’m not gonna be able to stop,” he groans as he distracts himself by kissing down your jaw, licking hesitantly at the crook near your ear, making you sigh above him. 

You hesitate, thinking about how hard you thought about regarding taking your relationship with Jeongguk further. You were still a little scared, because you’d initially wanted to take it to the next step a while ago, but you also wanted to go slow. And on this night, when the moon was high up in the air and some stupid episode of some TV show was blaring in the background of his house, you were way, way too much in love with this man underneath you to think about anything else. It was the perfect moment. 

You lean down, kissing him desperately. He groans again, and you detach from him, smiling down at him and thumbing his swollen lips and giggling at his blushing cheeks and overblown pupils. 

“I-I think I’m ready.” 

“W-What?” If possible, his eyes get even wider and his cheeks blush scarlet red as he gapes up at you.

“I love you, Jeon Jeongguk.” His hand comes up to swipe your hair away from your face, and he smiles. “I love you too. Are you sure?” 

You lean down and wrap your arms around him, smiling as he lifts you up and carries you towards his bedroom.

In this moment, when his arms are around you and you’re in just your pajamas and he in his, everything feels so right. 

“I’m so sure.” 

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.