> I go to calculate my BMI on a website

> Straight up just gets called obese

I'm absolutely disgusted by the amount of harassment I see directed to plus-sized people. It's like a disease spreading through people, this hatred.

I saw a 14-year-old innocently post a picture of herself to show that she looked older than she was in response to a TikTok questioning the phenomenon, only to get absolutely destroyed in the comments for being overweight. She was barely overweight at all, but these people will tell you that they're just 'concerned for her health' when you confront them. Bullshit. You just want someone to take out your anger on. If you really did want to 'help', you wouldn't say anything because anyone with a lick of sense knows that bringing someone down won't motivate them to try and lose weight. It's none of your business anyway, you don't know this person, and even if you do, saying something won't change anything. They have to want to lose weight. If they don't or can't, tough shit. Move on with your life and let them live theirs.

The harassment plus-sized people have done to them is done so casually too, even played off as a joke. If you do a lick of research, you'll realize that being overweight isn't a cause of just eating too much, despite being what most of the insults are about. I've linked some resources below for that, so go check them out before any of you try and argue. Even if you still end up disagreeing despite the facts I've presented, please just stop harassing people for being obese. It's not that hard and causes you literally no effort. Harassment is harassment. Plus-sized people are people, and deserve no less respect than you do. I can't believe how many people need to hear that.

(yes, these are tumblr posts, but they contain sources in them)

"upper" Limits The Value Of Caffeine In Weight

We've taken a look at many of the most recommended stimulant-free fat burners out there, and here are our recommendations. Why would you want to avoid caffeine and other stimulants in your fat burners? Many supplements contain dozens of ingredients or more, so it can be hard to say how they might affect your health. What may be less obvious is that it's generally better to eat smaller meals more frequently throughout the day. Remember to always eat breakfast 1-2 hours after waking up and work on meal prepping if you tend to forget to make a meal every now and then. Visits for non-COVID-19 respiratory illnesses mainly decreased, but there was an increase in the proportion of visits for some respiratory conditions during January 2022 versus 2019. Across pandemic years, visits related to behavioral concerns increased, especially among older children and adolescents. If you are trying to cut back on caffeine, reduce your intake slowly to prevent withdrawal symptoms. Pt Trim Reviews is often added to over-the-counter medicines such as pain relievers, over-the-counter diet pills, and cold medicines. Have you tried working out and dieting, but nothing seems to work? Believe it or not, your morning cup of coffee may be to blame. Unfortunately, current research is limited to hibiscus extract. At least 2.8 million adults die each year as a result of being overweight. Such increase in the prevalence of obesity is the result of two important factors; increased intake of energy-dense foods and decrease in physical activity . Resting metabolic rate , physical activity and thermic effect of food are three major components of daily energy expenditure . Drinking coffeecan help you feel more alert,boost workout performance, contribute to a longer lifespan and reduce the risk of certain diseases like Alzheimer’s and Type 2 diabetes. However you get your caffeine fix — whether you’re a regular at the cafe, an at-home barista or enjoy other sources like tea andchocolate— you probably know some of the benefits of a caffeine pick-me-up. Typical caffeine amount in caffeine pills, capsules, or tablets. Caffeine isn’t a miracle substance and it can’t magically displace calories consumed. Its greatest quality is to help people feel more energetic, which should help them have greater stamina during fitness programs. I only buy ceremonial blend, which is the highest quality. Michael also offers experiences with a personal trainer in Cheesman Park and Sloan Lake . “In-vitro studies allow us to test hypotheses in a controlled environment using specific cells without distractions or complications that other variables bring when using human subjects,” Koszyk says. However, the results don’t necessarily translate to actual human beings, she adds. After they’re harvested, black tea leaves are allowed to oxidize — that is, soak up the surrounding air — longer than other teas, according to a past review. This intensifies the flavor, making black tea one of the boldest varieties on the market. If you’re a tea drinker, you probably already know your cup is salubrious. Caffeine has been shown to be most healthy for your body and mind. There are certain negative effects that have come up in studies, however they are mostly specific to individuals with certain conditions such as anxiety and migraine headaches. The study, published recently in the Journal of Functional Foods, adds to a growing body of research that suggests mate tea may help fight obesity. There's more about the potential health benefits of coffee at Harvard Medical School. Caffeine stimulates, or excites, the brain and nervous system. It will not reduce the effects of alcohol, although many people still erroneously believe a cup of coffee will help a person "sober-up."

hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh  90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want  to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

This is my (abridged) story.

Growing up, my mom struggled with anorexia, and my dad struggled with binge eating and obsessive eating. Growing up, my siblings and I were all exposed to toxic relationships with food. My sister developed anorexia. I was always a tiny child, a scarily tiny child, but once I became a teen I gained weight (as teens tend to do. Their bodies gain more weight because they are undergoing the change from adolescent to adult, and the body needs to hold onto nutrients in order to do so). Since being very little, I always had older kids telling me how skinny I was, so this change was devastating to me. I wasn't even overweight, maybe I was 125-145lbs between any given months. When I was an older teen, I was working three jobs and got into college early, when I was sixteen. I was going to the gym everyday. I would pass out while driving, go days without eating (on purpose), and I still gained weight. my highest weight was 165 lbs. I've recovered, relapsed, recovered, relapsed, and since turning 17, my weight has yoyo'd between 115-165lbs, at least four times. I'm 22. For years, I've been aware of the negative effects of my eating problems. I've been to doctors, I've been told that my hormones are unbalanced, I couldn't drive at night because of a Vitamin A deficiency that gave me night blindness, I've had my period cycles change drastically (though they haven't stopped altogether), I've had heart problems, I've had gastrointestinal problems, I've had sleep problems. And here I am, on the edge of recovery yet again. It's hard for me. My whole life I've had displays of toxic relationships with food. I'm still trying to identify a healthy relationship with food. but I am trying.

No matter how much of an influence other people have on you, no matter how you were raised, the most important things to remember entering into recovery are these two things:

1. Once you become an adult, the influences of your youth hold no sway over you anymore. Being a adult means that you are capable of change. That you, solely, are responsible for you actions. You may require therapy, or medicine, or treatment, and it's okay to ask for help. Sometimes, these realizations and changes aren't something you can achieve on your own. But the first step into recovery comes from admitting that your actions, are your own. You are a whole person, who is capable of learning which behaviors are unhealthy. You can't blame your eating disorder on your parents, or siblings, or the internet. It is a mental health disorder, but your thoughts and emotions don't have to control your actions. You are not powerless. You are capable of so much more than you realize, and I really believe in you. I believe in me, too.

2. You only have one body. You only have one life. Engaging in toxic eating behaviors can, and will, affect your health over time. It might not happen at first, but the longer you continue down this path, it does have lasting impacts. It helps me to see my body almost as a separate being from me. My actions, lead by my emotions, do lasting damage to a human body. My body didn't decide how to look. My body didn't say 'Lets fuck with her metabolism'. My body didn't decide to starve itself. My body didn't decide to binge eat. My body has no acting power on its own. My body is not being malicious to me. My body exists as a vessel for my mind, my being, to operate in the world. It's like a car, essentially. if my car is really beat up and old but it still drives well, I appreciate it continuing to work so I don't need to buy a new one. But if my body gets beat up, and old, and the effects of my eating disorder compound on it, I can't just buy a new one. I've learned to treat my body like a small child. And while I still have problems, I understand that I need to keep working on them if I want to stay alive.

As a side note, I understand that some people with eating problems want to unalive themselves, or feel like that might be a better option than surviving. But please, give yourself a chance to relearn old habits. Give yourself a chance to relearn your relationship with food. To relearn your relationship with your own life. Any baby step you take is progress. It's hard. But the payoff is worth it. Talk to a nutritionist to see what your body needs to run at peak performance. Talk to a therapist about identifying and altering toxic behaviors. Don't let yourself be an abuser to your own body. If you really want to feel in control, you will, in time. Even if the path to starting recovery is long and winding, even if you feel a loss of control at first, even if it sucks, when you come out the other side, you will feel more in control of your life than you ever did. I love you guys, all of you, and I hope the best for you. I hope that this post touches even just one person out there. I hope that my experiences can provide insight to someone who might not be so far along in their recovery, or so far along in their relapse.

The five boys react to an overweight MC that works as a nutritionist but struggles a lot to lose weight? It might be strange but it happens sometimes. PLEASE!!! Btw, I love your work❤️

This was really fun to write about. Knowing that these guys are so supportive of MC and want to help her in any way possible with whatever she’s struggling with is just so sweet. 

Thank you for the love and support as well! 😭 I’m usually just memeing it up out here so writing HCs is very new for me but your support helps so much! I did meme a lot while writing this as well because what’s life without memes, so you can find all of my inner thoughts crossed out~ Hope you enjoy!

HC below the cut~

Gavin:

Gavin loves and supports MC through everything. He’s constantly watching and confronts her whenever he believes something is wrong.

After noticing her sulking at herself in the mirror, he asks what’s troubling her.

“Nothing really! You don’t need to worry about me.”

She gives him a small smile and turns away from the mirror.

He figured it had something to do with her figure given the way she was looking at herself.

He remembered her mentioning how even though she’s a nutritionist, she still struggled with her own weight.

She didn’t seem all that down back when mentioning it, but the expression she had in the mirror said otherwise.

He stood up from the sofa and asked if she wanted to go with him during his morning jog.

“Why would you want me to do that? I’d only slow you down.”

Gavin: I don’t mind. If it’ll help, then I’ll do anything I can.

This man isn’t one for small talk. He gets straight to the point. He observes, finds the problem and seeks out a solution. There was no need for MC to confirm his suspicions about wanting to lose weight; It was all in her expression.

“I don’t really want you to go out of your way for me... Besides, it’s important you don’t slack off with your training.”

Gavin: I wouldn’t be slacking off. Training with you would only make me work harder.

A NATURAL ROMANTIC BUT ALSO A FUCKING MORON WHO GAVE HER A BLOOD SOAKED LETTER. IM GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU YA DUMBASS

MC takes up on Gavin’s offer considering how adamant he was. He also didn’t seem concerned in the slightest about MC being a burden BECAUSE SHES LITERALLY THE LIGHT IN HIS LIFE AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER

After they go jogging, they stop for a healthy meal of MCs choice because Gavin doesn’t know what food is. Have you seen his kitchen? INSTA NOODLES EVERYWHERE. Boy is literally the type to throw a lunchables on the dinner table and give thanks for his beloved meal. Omg nononono I’m thinking of all these sad things now about how Gavin was literally homeless for a while as a kid so he probably just got used to eating something small and simple every day. BYE IMMA GO CRY NOW

While eating, Gavin comes up with a few more ideas to help and offers to take her to his gym every other day.

They come up with a plausible schedule that could seem efficient to MC’s wish of losing weight.

This also gives MC the chance to make sure Gavin is taking care of himself as well.

Kiro:

Kiro and MC meet up when he finally has free time and manages to escape from Savin.

Like their normal days together, they end up walking around Loveland City, going to some sightseeing locations. They just enjoy each other’s company.

When stopping to buy a snack, Kiro grabs two bags of chips and beams up at MC only to see her forced smile. He immediately gets concerned given how positive she always is.

Kiro: Are you ok? What’s on your mind?

“No, it’s nothing. I’m just trying to narrow down on the amount of junk food I eat.”

Kiro: Why is that? You’ve always told me to live to the fullest.

“Well... I’m trying to lose some weight but it seems more problematic than I had originally thought.”

With MC looking ashamed of how little progress she has made thus far, Kiro places both bags back on the shelf with a bright smile.

Kiro: Well if we both work together then there’s no chance we could lose this fight! Besides, Savin has been at my throat lately considering the mount of junk food I’ve been eating recently too.

“Kiro...”

MC stared at Kiro, dumbfounded, who seemed so positive. This gave MC a boost of confidence, herself.

She quietly thanked him while giving him a genuine smile.

They spent the whole day doing fun activities. In a way, this was part of Kiro’s plan to help MC. He knew how much this mattered to her so he wanted to keep a smile on her face while secretly help her from the shadows.

It’s honestly what he does best. It’s hard to tell in the game since we don’t get to see every expression he makes or how he reacts to things, but take a good look at his reactions in the anime. You can see how serious he really is behind his happy facade.

He continues to silently help her every time they spend time together as well as send her encouraging texts and reminders.

Nobody is more positive and encouraging than Kiro~

Lucien:

Lucien knows everything nutritionists know, let’s be real. This man was a child prodigy who skipped half of his school life, going straight to college.

He knows EXACTLY what MC needs. The one problem is, so does MC.

She knows what she needs to do but doesn’t have the kind of support she needs. She easily becomes discouraged when things don’t work out after trying so hard.

Luckily, Lucien is also a wonderful supporter minus when he just “what’s a magic? Don’t know em. No thoughts. Head empty. Only science and death”. Uhu then what do you call that flying cop outside the window? Where’s your science behind that? Lucien: “Well you see, there is a certain DNA mutation that—“ DO NOT ANSWER THAT YOU FOOL I KNOW ITS SCIENCE BUT MAGIC IS EASIER TO ACCEPT RN BECAUSE MY BRAIN GO BRRR

But considering it’s MCs health, he is very supportive and even explains that many people struggle with the same problem. There’s not exactly any problem with how someone looks unless it is overall affecting their health for the worse but he will gladly help MC if she wishes to lose weight.

Knowing that Lucien views it this way immediately gives MC more confidence.

An enormous amount of stress has been lifted off her shoulders which will ultimately help her reach her goal.

Lucien comes up with a solid workout plan and diet that is easy for MC to follow and even offers to make her some special meals to help with weight loss because Bill Nye over here has the solution to everything

I also highkey imagined him whispering in her ear like the first day they met that if she follows his plan without any casualties, he would give her special rewards and yes I do mean THOSE kind of rewards because this man is K I N K Y. I don’t even like him, I blame my friend who’s constantly giving me these ideas about him. You’re lucky you’re a bitch or I’d probably be on the floor for you too.

Victor:

Victor’s biggest struggle is vulnerability. He is very blunt and says what comes to his mind without always thinking it through.

Because of this, he upsets MC when talking about her weight.

He meant no harm from whatever he may have said but notices MC’s sorrowful expression after lifting his eyes from the papers on his desk to meet her gaze.

He immediately acknowledges what he had done and puts everything away for the day, offering to take her to Souvenir.

“What..?”

Victor: I’m done for the day. If you don’t have anything else to do, you can come with me.

“But why?”

Victor: You’re still you regardless of your weight, but if it’s something you want to change, I’ll help.

The man wanted to tell her she’s beautiful and amazing no matter what, but hahaha we all know this man can’t compliment for the life of him. Jkjk he can but like I said before, v u l n e r a b i l i t y. He struggles with expressing his true feelings.

MC responds with pure shock on her face,

“Really?? You’d help me?”

Victor: Only an idiot would ask a question like that. You should count on me more when you’re struggling with something like this.

Baka this baka that. If I don’t add it somewhere, than this whole HC isn’t accurate at all. All you thirsty Victor hoes go watch his baka clip if you want more *spray bottles*

He tidies up his desk and grabs his coat, heading towards the door while MC stumbles over her thoughts.

He only stops halfway out the door to look back over his shoulder at MC.

Victor: Well?

“I— I’m coming!”

She rushes over and follows him out the door.

Victor ends up making MC a delicious and healthy meal, one he knows is a special meal for a weight loss diet.

Cooking was never that important to him. He only learned because of the little girl he once knew. But now... Now he has a new reason to continue cooking.

That girl had come back to him and he would do anything in his power to make her happy.

Shaw:

He watches MC intently as she talks about how difficult it is for her.

Right before MC finishes, he places her on his skateboard and takes off without giving her time to protest.

She shouts in fear ofc. Why wouldn’t she. I’m terrified every time the game says he puts mc on his skateboard just—

Shaw chuckles with amusement in her ear and then tells her to push off with her own feet.

“ARE YOU INSANE?” yes, yes he is

Shaw: I won’t let you fall but I won’t stop until you push.

“Fine fine!”

With the help of Shaw keeping her steady, she’s able to smoothly push off the skateboard a few times.

After getting the hang of it, there’s a slight smile taking place of her feared expression from before.

Shaw’s expression, however, doesn’t change in the slightest. That teasing smirk rests on his face as she continues to push them down the park sidewalk.

As they reach the main road, she yells back to Shaw when the skateboard doesn’t slow down.

“Shaw—!”

It’s all she managed to get out as the fear she once had returned again.

MC shut her eyes with panic as the street grew closer and closer, only to feel an arm wrap around her as the cold wind hitting her face dissipated.

When her eyes opened, she saw Shaw giving her the same mocking smirk he always wears. However, his eyes showed signs of gentleness he doesn’t often express.

He offers her one of his skateboards for workout purposes as well as being her workout partner.

MCs chuckles out of amusement from the idea of HER riding a skateboard by herself. totally a reason why Shaw made this offer. He feeds off of entertainment.

She politely declines his offer of skateboarding but hesitantly asks if he would help her in other ways.

The question needs no thought from Shaw but he doesn’t want her to know he made up his mind to help long ago. ah yes, his one weakness as well, vulnerability

Shaw: I suppose being of assistance to you may turn out entertaining.

MC: Is that all I am to you? A source of entertainment?

She pouts at him half jokingly but he pays no mind to it as he kicks up his skateboard and continues walking ahead while suggesting a few things they can do to help with weight loss. Daring but not enough to scare her away. He actually wants to help but needs her to comply with his suggestions

Shaw is the type to help those he cares for without making it obvious. He believes personal relationships is a weakness for someone like him so he always keeps people at arms length; He always wants a possible way out for when he has to push people away.

While this is true, he’s also struggled with vulnerability his whole life. Considering the type of person his father was, growing up with a man like that not only puts pressure on Shaw, but also forms this broken and terrified personality under his overconfident facade.

Someone please just hold this man, he’s trying his best and needs healing

Their solution for MC is to try some fun activities together. Fun enough for MC to believe that Shaw isn’t going out of his way for her but also not as extreme to the point where MC won’t participate.

Get Motivated to Drop 2–4 Dress Sizes in One Month: 4 Steps to Get your Dream Body

How to lose 4 dress sizes in a month or how to lose 20+ pounds in 30 days all mean the same thing, losing weight on a deadline. Whether it be a high school reunion, your own wedding, or other specific occasions. But before we get into it, let’s talk about what matters most when it comes to effective and successful weight loss.

In this article, we’re going to cover the 4 steps to get your dream body. I always believe the best solutions are the simple ones so I don’t have 12 tips or 15 keys to losing weight fast. Just the 4 keys that are essential to successful weight loss.

Note: This article is more about the principles of weight loss and proper mindset to get you motivated for a higher success rate.

📷 If you’re interested in learning exactly how I lost 20+ pounds in 1 month without exercise after each of my pregnancies over age 40, then read this article for further details.

1. First Key to Successful Weight Loss: Set up Practical Goals 📷 Different Aesthetic Standards Let’s take a look at the picture above. Sure you see the woman in a black dress. I believe you may not find her to be super slim but she has beautiful feminine curves which make her look just as attractive as the lady in purple on the right, who’s holding a wheel position on the ground whom I believe most people would consider being slender. I don’t know about you but they’re both just as fit and beautiful to me.A friend of mine once told me when he was younger he used to find chubby girls much more attractive than skinny girls. As you can see, human perceptions of beauty change from time to time and vary from individual to individual. What really matters is the way you see yourself. In my opinion, every woman is unique and beautiful her own way. Some might be sort of ‘big-boned’ while others are rather plump or extremely tall and skinny. Each of us is born with an inherited body type which we sometimes can do little to change. So before we even jump into any sort of diet or workout plan we need to know what our natural body type looks like and get the idea of the best version of the body we are most likely to achieve and feel comfortable with it. It’s impractical to pursue the hourglass figure when your natural body type is rather tall and “narrow-butt” if you know what I mean. It’d be nice to have a body like that of Kim Kardashian, whom I pretty much believe is born that way.Measure Your Dress Sizes instead of Weight Losing 3–4 dress sizes in a month is actually a more specific goal than losing 20 pounds in 21 days. It will make you less obsessed with the numbers on the weight scale when all you have to do is measure your waistline & hip circumference. It will give you a better idea of how close you are to your fitness goal.2. Second Key to get you started: Mindset Mindset is essential for successful weight loss in the long term. You need to truly love yourself for who you are and be willing to do whatever it takes for your well-being. You are beautiful the way you are. You are worthy of a great and healthy life and you will get your dream body once you started believing in yourself.What are the real reasons that make you want to start losing weight? Health issues? Want to fit in some fabulous outfits? Abs that will turn heads when you’re on the beach?Try to find the strongest motivations that will get you started and keep you going towards your goal.They have to be bigger than just want to look great and feel good about yourself which by the way is nothing wrong either. It’s so important that you’re doing this out of strong love for yourself and your loved ones because it will give you the power to continue and get you motivated. That’s why having your mind in the right place is crucial to successful weight loss.My 4-year-old daughter asked me a question the other day:” Mom, will you still be around when I grow up?” “Do you want me to still be around by then?” “Of course I do! I want you to always be around no matter how old I am.” “I will do my best, honey”, was the promise I made to her.That reminds me of my parents, who are already advanced in age yet still being so healthy and energetic and not suffering any kind of pain which most elderly people do(backache, rheumatism, arthritis, knee pain, etc.).My father is a wise and experienced natural therapist and herbal expert and is able to take good care of himself and my mom. I am so grateful that my parents are still so healthy and I want to follow the good example they set up for me.I’d like to quote what my father used to say to us:” Always watch what you put in your mouth. You are not a trash can! Don’t just eat anything because it tastes good.” 📷 📷 Use the Power of Mind Think of Your Body as a small universe with your mind is the most powerful thing that maintains the balance within this small universe.Or if we think of the body as some sort of hardware then your mind is like the software that actually makes the hardware works at its best.I know this metaphor might

be a little too simplistic but it’s important to fill our minds with positive thoughts. Because your mind and your words actually have the power to program your life into the way you want it to be.If we fill our minds with negative thoughts then we’re most likely not going to take any action to achieve any goal that would make us healthier or have a better life than we deserve because deep down in our hearts we think it’s impossible or just too difficult to achieve.That’s why mindset is the key to successful weight loss because it is often followed by aligned actions which naturally lead to a change of lifestyle. Now that if you know for sure you are doing this out of strong love for yourself and your loved ones and you have your mindset in the right place then we’re good to go.Seek Professional Help Now if you are having some sort of eating disorder problem like you often found yourself staring at the big empty ice-cream container after watching your favorite movies at midnight.Or maybe you are stress-eating a lot or some of you even suffer from something worse such as bulimia or anorexia. Then the last thing you need to worry about now is the way you look like.I’d suggest that you look deeper into the real reasons behind your eating disorder behavior or even seek professional help if necessary. 📷 📷 3. Third Key that is Crucial: Maintain Hormonal and Metabolic Balance Maintaining hormonal and metabolic balance is the essential key to successful weight loss especially for women who are overweight and what they’ve been doing is eat very little and move a lot while still not getting the result they want.A hormonal imbalance can greatly affect women’s beauty and the distribution of their body fat[1]. For example, the lack of estrogen can cause our skin to lose its tautness which means the wrinkled face and fine lines around the eyes. When the estrogen levels are low it could lead to excessive weight gain as well.The growth hormone, which is known to be able to help burning fat while also building your muscles and bones during your deep cycles of sleep-[2][3]. That’s why having quality sleep is so important if we want to actually lose that stubborn fat that’s stored in our trouble spots because the effective fat-burning process actually happens while we’re sleeping not when we’re exercising.The Insulin hormone, also known as the “fat-storing hormone”, is produced by our pancreas, regulates the metabolism of carbs, protein, and fat. Insulin is released when our blood sugar levels rise. It helps absorb glucose from the blood and store it for future use. If we absorb too much glucose our body converts it into fat which causes weight gain. That’s why we need to stay away from refined sugar(or refined carbs) in order to prevent a dramatic rise of blood sugar levels that spike up the secretion of insulin which results in converting excessive blood sugar into fat.Cortisol is a steroid hormone, also referred to as the “stress hormone” due to the fact that its release is increased in response to stress and low blood sugar levels. We want to keep our cortisol levels down so we can turn on that fat-burning mode which boosts our metabolisms and helps us lose the stubborn fat in our trouble spots. Basically, when our cortisol level is high our body switches from the fat-burning mode to the muscle-breaking and fat-storing mode.I don’t want to bore you with the science here but it’s important that we understand that the human body is complicated and we need to take multi-factors into consideration instead of just simplify things with the “eat less and move more” equation.

If you want to know how to “eat more exercise less” to regain hormonal and metabolic balance then read this article to learn more.

📷

4. Fourth Key: Stop Dieting In saying dieting I mean any kind of calorie restriction diets or weird/extreme diets that might cause nutrient deficiency which could be screwing up your hormonal and metabolic balance and thus make all your efforts and attempts at weight loss go in vain. The kind of dieting that’s not sustainable and practical, the kind that makes you feel listless, depressed, tired and your moods swinging from time to time you could hardly summon any energy to do what you want to do.As I have mentioned before, we do need to watch what we eat but we also need to develop a healthy relationship with our food so we won’t be afraid of having food that would actually make us healthy just because it has higher calories.The thing about counting calories is that it’s hard to be accurate. The same food seasoned and cooked in different ways could have different calorie counts. When we count the calories of a specific fruit we also need to take into account other factors such as its maturity because of the difference of sugar content in it.As for the chicken breast we have is it with skin or without skin and what’s the protein to fat ratio of it? Sounds complicated, isn’t it? Well, it is and it’s exhausting and inefficient if you have to do this on a daily basis.By the way, do you always feel like you need to remove the skin of the meat you have because it will make you fat? Well, do you know that eating meat along with its skin actually helps you digest better, and having good quality fat such as natural animal fat actually helps you burn fat in a more efficient way?What and How to Eat Matters I don’t need to tell you what you should eat to lose weight healthily because you’ve probably already gathered tons of information from different sources about it.You know how important it is to have good quality proteins to help you build muscles(boost metabolisms), that you should also include healthy fat, carbs, probiotics, fibers, vegetables in your meals as well so I guess I shouldn’t waste your time repeating what you already know.But what about the type and combination of food, what kind of protein together with what kind of carbs and vegetables, the amount of each category, what seasoning to use, which food combination or pairing of spices/flavors works better, when to eat, etc?For example, Crab is a great source of protein, and orange is also considered a good source of carbs which contains low calories and several vitamins and minerals. However, eating a great amount of crab while guzzling gallons of cold orange juice may not be a good choice for people with poor digestive systems.Drinking soup made by a certain combination of meat and vegetables is different from eating each ingredient separately. Salmon is well known for containing omega 3 fatty acids which may also help us burn body fat. However, we need to look deeper into the nutritional differences between farmed salmon and wild salmon. We also need to be careful not to have seafood as our main source of protein given the fact that the ocean is highly polluted and chemicals and pollutants can be absorbed by fish or other marine life through their environment and diet.Yes, there is a lot to take into consideration when it comes to choosing food for health and effective weight loss.Losing weight or dropping dress sizes fast is not something difficult to achieve. Eating nutrient-dense food combinations in the right way can lead to rapid weight loss without having to starve yourself or doing excessive cardio/HIIT exercises.

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Still - Chapter 4: The Village

Fandom: Resident Evil Village

Characters: Alcina Dimitrescu, Karl Heisenberg

Relationship: Alcina Dimitrescu & Karl Heisenberg (Lovers)

Genre: Romance, Hurt & Comfort

Planned chapters: 8 + prolog and epilog

Warnings: Strong language,  Descriptions of the Second World War (I do not glorify or support the ideology. The mention only serves my idea for the origin of Karl.)

Status: Work in progress (5/10)

Short Summary: As is well known, hatred and love are traveling on a dangerous thin line, but has it really always been that way between the fighting Lords? The sad answer is no. Alcina and Karl had a much deeper relationship than the brief glimpse Resident Evil Village suggests. This is their untold backstory. A story of a fiery love that is slowly torn apart by the parasite until the once strong feelings are only a faint memory in their dead hearts.

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33511438/chapters/84068977

Karl panted hard, straightened his back for a brief moment in relief. The duffel bag weighed heavily on his already sore shoulders and the immense difference in altitude in the mountains was uncomfortable on his lungs. The air was harder to breath, also he was no longer used to such physical strain. The engineer took a deep breath and looked up the still sloping path. What devil had driven the people in the area to build a village up there? The man shrugged his shoulders slightly and trudged on up the beaten path, always trying not to trip over stones or branches. Now and then Karl looked sceptically at the faded card in his hand. He had bought it in Lübeck before crossing the sea and had already drawn the exact routes he had to take to reach his uncle's village. A good plan in theory. Unfortunately, the map was not very helpful in practice. As soon as he had left the last major city, Bistra, the record turned out to be completely out of date and flawed. Presumably the mountains were only sporadically mapped. It was useless. The engineer finally folded the paper and stowed it in his jacket pocket. Actually, according to an elderly lady in Bistra, he couldn't miss the village – there was probably only this one way up.

Karl circled his shoulder once again and went on, sank for a while into the beauty of the unknown landscape around him. Perhaps after his arrival he would take a few trips into the mountains. Suddenly the man froze. Something had moved between the conifers a few meters in front of him. The blond-haired man narrowed his eyes and scrutinized the surroundings carefully. Suddenly an animal crept out of the surrounding forest, which vaguely reminded the officer of a cat that was too big. The yellow eyes stared straight at him, the short tail lay close to the creature's hind legs. The engineer frowned and for a moment did not know how to react. Was this animal dangerous? An unexpected loud bang cut the air. The blond-haired man winced and reflexively pulled out his revolver. He hadn't come this far to be shot by an unfriendly inhabitant. In the meantime, the animal had fled back into the forest. A steady rattle approached him leisurely and soon he could hear the loud voice of a man calling, but Karl did not understand what he was saying. Romanian was completely unknown language to him as a foreigner. After a while a black carriage stopped next to him, the equally black horses pushed the air vigorously through their nostrils and flocked with their hooves. A slightly overweight man sat on the driver's seat. He lifted his fedora in greeting and smiled fervently, eyed the wanderer with glittering eyes. Finally the driver hesitantly started to speak: “Salut. We rarely see Germans here in the mountains. Where are you heading, stranger?"

Karl relaxed at this statement and put his revolver back in its belt. It surprised him again and again how many residents in Romania were able to speak German. He finally put the duffel bag on the ground and took a seat on it for a moment. The engineer really needed a short break. The blond-haired man replied with a smile: “I want to go to the village at the end of this road I guess. Wherever it is.” The driver laughed out loud and shifted a little on the driver's seat. The wood under his buttocks groaned slightly. He pointed to the cabin behind him and replied with amusement: “Fortune is with you today, stranger. I still have business to do up in the village and just happen to have a vacancy beside me. Would you like to move up with me? You can put your luggage in the cabin. It looks ominously like rain in the sky and it's enough if we get wet, yes?” Karl stared at the man in surprise. Presumably today was his lucky day. The engineer nodded slightly and got up, heaved the duffel bag into the overcrowded storage room of the carriage. The merchant had loaded innumerable goods. The officer slammed the door of the cabin again and carefully climbed onto the driver's seat and sat down next to the overweight man. The merchant took the reins tighter.

After a few seconds the carriage started moving again, wobbling leisurely up the mountain path. Karl sighed in relief and turned to his lift: “I'm amazed to find a soul out here at all. I had the last contact in Bistra and that was a good three hours ago. The mountains seem almost endless to me. By the way, my name is Karl Heisenberg.” The driver suddenly smirked. He reached under his seat and took out a bottle that smelled suspiciously of red wine. The man took a few sips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Only then did he reply in a friendly manner: “Very pleased, Mr. Heisenberg. You are welcome to call me the Duke, most of the residents of the surrounding villages do that.” The addressed person was startled at this strange introduction, but didn't asked further questions. He certainly did not want to trample on the friendliness of the merchant. The Duke suddenly held the bottle under the nose of his guest. The engineer took it reluctantly and began to drink, shuddering slightly at the palatable taste.

Meanwhile, the Duke continued, slightly amused: “You must be a close relative of Gustav, if I'm not mistaken. You have a certain similarity, but you behave much more appropriately, Mr. Heisenberg. You probably enjoyed a good upbringing when you were a child, quite the opposite of Gustav, who makes more enemies than friends and has distanced himself from the villagers in recent years. Please take this statement as a compliment for your very good manners.” Karl turned his head to the overweight man and looked at his plump face. The corners of the mouth seemed practically fixed in a permanent smile on the oily skin. The blond-haired man put the bottle back under the driver's seat and put a hand on his chin, gently stroking the slowly growing beard. Finally he replied cautiously: “You are not wrong in your assumption. I wanted to visit my uncle, although I now have doubts as to whether I really want to meet him. I've never considered myself to be particularly well behaved and I don't want to imagine what to expect when I meet Gustav.” The merchant gave a bark of laughter. This statement seemed to amuse him in a weird way. The Duke suddenly patted him on the back and shouted happily: "Maybe his cold heart will soften when he finally sees part of his family again after several decades. I've hope for him." Before both could continue talking to each other, the first drops of rain began to fall from the sky.

The overweight man grimaced and reached behind him, pulling a large umbrella over their heads. He said matter-of-factly: "The rain in the mountains is heavy, but usually only lasts a few minutes." As if on command, a stream of water fell onto the carriage. Karl couldn't believe his eyes. Buckets poured over the coniferous forest, washing away what was not heavy enough to withstand the force of the water. The Duke slowed the horses' speed and mumbled quietly: “Fortunately, we are close to our goal. The village is barely ten minutes away, Mr. Heisenberg.” The blond-haired man nodded slightly and folded his hands together. Inwardly, he couldn't thank the merchant enough. Without the Duke he would have been soaked through, just like his belongings in the duffel bag. Not a nice idea. The rain shower actually subsided quickly. The overweight man removed the umbrella and asked his passenger mysteriously: “You know what to expect in the village, do you, Mr. Heisenberg?” The officer wrinkled his forehead and shrugged his shoulders slightly. What was the merchant wanting to tell him? The Duke went on quietly: “Well, you are travelling to a very remote village that has slept through the troubles of the world for decades, completely isolated in the mountains. The villagers are not interested in changing this circumstance any time soon. Your arrival will inevitably cause some turmoil."

The engineer remained silent for a while. Of course, this thought had occurred to him several times, but the closer he got to the village, the more frightened he was about the idea of the first contact with the residents. How would they react? The Duke seemed to feel his nervousness and spoke soothingly: “In your eyes the people may still live in the late Middle Ages, but they are good at heart and do not harm a fly. You probably just have to give them some time, Mr. Heisenberg. A healthy dose of scepticism has already saved the lives of many mountain residents, and they will hold on to that in your case too. Your best bet is to let action speak for itself. Help the people and they will give you a helping hand in return.” Karl smiled at this explanation and nodded in understanding. The merchant suddenly pointed forward. A large stone gate appeared on the way. The blond-haired man shivered slightly. So he had finally arrived. His new life far away from the war and misery of the world.

The carriage passed the gate and finally drove again on a somewhat paved path into the heart of the village. Simple wooden houses stood on the sides, surrounded by rickety fences that they had built. Some people were working on the beds they had made and did not seem to notice the merchant's arrival. Several eerie scarecrows stood in the front gardens, guarding the presumably valuable goods in the ground. The engineer sat up and continued to look around with interest. Time really stood still in the village a few centuries ago. The Duke drove into the middle of the small market square and slid off the driver's seat with a deep groan, slipping down heavily to the ground. The carriage wobbled violently under the shifting weight, but then quickly recovered. Karl climbed down too and put his feet on the unusually solid earth. As soon as he drove in the village, he noticed an unusual smell, which, however, successfully eluded a comparison with known smells. The Duke helped him to get the duffel bag out of the cabin and said in amusement: “Well, here we are, Mr. Heisenberg. Your uncle's factory is to the north-east of here and should be reached quickly after a short walk.” The officer was about to thank him when some women from the village hurried to the market square. They all stared at the newcomer, eyes soaked with suspicion. The women began to speak loudly to the merchant, obviously upset. He raised his hands soothingly and tried to explain the situation to them, but the residents became louder and more angry.

Karl felt a lump in his throat. It was precisely this kind of arrival that he had been afraid of. After a while, suddenly a loud male voice rang out, which immediately silenced the women. A muscular, black-haired man made his way through the small crowd and stepped next to the Duke. Both apparently had a lively, but calm conversation. The engineer looked at the man next to him. He had some scars, especially on his hands and arms. Black and white tattoos adorned his skin, including a jellyfish on his left upper arm. Probably a fisherman, at least the stature suggested it. After a while the black-haired man nodded and turned to the women, speaking to them in a firm voice. They threw a few more sceptical looks at the officer, but then went back to their houses whispering to each other. The villager finally turned to Karl and looked at him almost disparagingly, speaking coolly with a very strong accent: “You're late. Gustav was expecting you two weeks ago, boy.” The addressed person raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest. At least the man knew of his arrival. The blond-haired man replied just as coolly: "Forgive me for being late, but something delayed my arrival and the trip itself was sometimes tricky." His interlocutor snorted loudly and pulled his nose up, then spat the white lump on the floor. He continued unimpressed: "I don't like people who believe they can talk their way out of everything."

The black-haired man ignored the engineer's protest and shouldered the duffel bag without any major problems, then added dryly to his accusation: “I'll accompany you to your uncle anyway, boy. Come on now.” The officer tried not to be rude at the first meeting and swallowed his rising anger. He said goodbye to the Duke and followed the man with quick steps. He was incredibly nimble, despite the heavy load on his shoulder. They walked briskly through the village, many eyes fixed on the newcomer. There was constant whispering from the villagers, some pointing their fingers at the young man. Karl bit his lower lip slightly and finally asked hesitantly: "May I ask who you are?" The black-haired man had just reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a small box of snuff. He replied casually: "My name is Moreau, resident doctor and fisherman." The officer was a little surprised at this explanation. The man didn't really look like a doctor. Moreau fed up with the tobacco and sneezed into the crook of his arm, then put the can back in his pocket. He looked over his shoulder and muttered coolly: “Do yourself a favour and get rid of the stuck-up language, boy. That doesn't go down well with the villagers, including me."

The blond-haired man put his hands in his jacket and stared at the doctor's muscular back. A feeling of trepidation crept in his chest. After a while he replied cautiously: "I have the feeling that you already don't like me, Moreau." The addressed person chuckled in amusement and wiped his itchy nose. He said matter-of-factly: “There is a difference between serious, but harsh advices and obvious dislike. Most people don't understand this any more. Obviously you are one of them, fellow.” Karl slowly clenched his hand into a fist, but still tried to control himself. The doctor had clearly stated his good intentions with this statement, so there was no need to be angry. The blond-haired man grumbled, barely audible: "Thanks for the explanation." Moreau chuckled softly and nodded slightly. Together they seemed to be slowly leaving the village. From a distance the engineer recognized a small mansion in the mountains. The house looked bleak and lonely, almost eerie. The doctor seemed to have followed his gaze and spoke loudly: “The Beneviento family estate, the famous doll makers of Romania. Unfortunately only her daughter is still alive. Tragic, isn't it?"

The officer had to process this statement for a moment. Doll maker? What kind of dolls and especially for what? He didn't really understand. Suddenly he recognized a black figure standing on the porch that he hadn't really noticed before. She was holding something white in her hands. The woman had a strange aura. She didn't seem to move, staring like a statue at the newcomer and his company. Karl finally looked back at the muscular man's back and thought for a moment. Somehow he felt the need to speak to her. Would Moreau tell him more if he asked cleverly? The doctor came before him again: “Don't even try. Donna hasn't spoken to anyone in the village for years, and you won't be one of the lucky ones to talk to her either. She's a little, shall we say, strange.” The engineer looked back at the villa sceptically. The woman was gone. Strange indeed. He turned back to the doctor, mumbled worried: "I think there are some more oddities here." Moreau laughed out loud and waved the hand off. He said calmly: "Every village has its curiosities and secrets." The blond-haired man said nothing to this meaningless answer. In time he would find out for himself how the wheels turned in the village. The doctor turned to him without a warning and wordlessly tossed two objects at him. The officer caught the books in a small shock.

He looked for the titles on the dirty covers. The black-haired grinned a little and explained dryly: “These are textbooks, Karl. You should make sure to learn Romanian as soon as possible, otherwise you will always remain an outsider. Carefully ask your uncle if he can help you a little with the practice. If he doesn't want to, I can offer you my help, boy.” The engineer opened one of the books and read the first few lines. He could certainly learning something with that. He replied calmly: “Thank you, Moreau. I can really use some help.” The doctor smiled and made it clear to him to continue following him. The surroundings were getting dreary. Apparently something had badly attacked the landscape. The black-haired man explained bitterly at this sight: “Gustav doesn't have much support in the village any more. The reason is, among other things, his ignorance of nature. He takes what he wants and if you say something, he slams the door right in your face. It's his inherited land, so, in his opinion, he can do whatever he wants. I hope you have a little more brain than your stubborn uncle."

Karl opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again immediately. Apparently the Duke hadn't exaggerated. He shrugged his shoulders slightly and replied uncertainly: “I value nature and would like to preserve it, especially if it is as beautiful as it is here. I still can't quite understand why my uncle is so distancing himself from the village. Is there an explanation for that?” Moreau didn't answer the question. He seemed to be ignoring it somehow. Together they walked through the remains of an old ruin and climbed a ruined stone staircase. The engineer was amazed when suddenly a large warehouse opened up. The industrial fence framed the area threateningly, making it clear at first glance that visitors were actually not welcome and should turn back. The black-haired man suddenly stopped before him.

He dropped the duffel bag on the ground and grumbled: “I can't get any closer without risking my life. Good luck and give my regards to your uncle. He has an appointment in my clinic in two weeks for his annual medical check-up.” With that, Moreau said goodbye and was quickly out of sight of the engineer. He shook his head slightly. He heaved his backpack back on his own shoulder and approached the factory premises. As he approached, he heard the loud voice of a hysterical man who was charging towards the gate with an old gun. Karl stopped immediately and called soothingly: “Calm down, Gustav! It's me, Karl!” The factory owner carefully lowered the gun, stared at him with piercing eyes. A strange fellow.

Survey #322

“you will hear it when your god cries  /  you will see it when the sun dies  /  upon the altars of change”

What is your favorite nickname that you’ve had? "Bee," from my old best friend. I don't want others calling me it, though. Where did you go on the best date you’ve been on? A big arcade. It was a super fun double-date. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, and I don't want one. It'd be so awkward. What’s your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate. What act would you be most likely to perform in a talent show? I got nothin'. If you had braces, do you wear your retainers still? I don't. If you had braces, have your teeth moved since you got them off? Yep, because of the whole "not wearing my retainer" thing. Whose was the first baby shower you remember attending, and for what baby? I'm unsure. Possibly my sister's for her first daughter. Do you know anyone personally who’s lost a child? Many people. When was the last time you did something that felt like rebellion? So every now and again, I get a massive craving for soda at night, so I grab one from the kitchen and can hear my sleeping mother rightfully nagging me about it, haha... What is one present you got for your last birthday? Ashley got me this really cool skull bank that says "tattoo fund" on it, aha. I love it. What is one thing that you took to show and tell as a kid? I have a clear memory of bringing a Snorlax plushie one day. Do you remember losing your first tooth? Not my first, no. Are you afraid to pop a balloon? Not really, but it's kinda easy to make me jump just a lil bit when one is popped. When was the last time you laughed when you shouldn’t have? I don't know. Which was better: the first The Lion King or the second? That is fucking HARD. I adore both, but I think the original is slightly better. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I'm pretty sure none of them did. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? My cat, definitely. As for my snake, I'm aware that snakes' brains simply aren't developed enough for love, but she clearly trusts me. Are you proud of your body? Fuck no. I'm humiliated by it every waking moment. Watermelon or cherries? I don't like either, but if I had to pick, watermelon. Favourite brand of cookies? I don't really have a favorite brand. Have you ever stuck gum under a desk/chair? No, that shit grosses me out. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return your cart or just leave it? Return your goddamn cart. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Uhhhh. I guess places I've "done it." When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? I did. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Yeah; at least, before Covid. What was your least favorite year of your life so far? Fuck 2016 into the next millenium. Do you like fried bologna? I haven't had it in so long that I don't really remember the taste. I think I would. Have you spent money on a game online? Yeah, very briefly with WoW. Mom was nice enough to refresh my subscription after the breakup (Jason paid for it prior), but from then on, I was rich enough in-game to use monthly game tokens to "pay." Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. What about your "Z"s? Also yes. Do you like cold pizza? Yeah, yummy. Do you like broccoli and cheese? Yessss. Toaster or toaster oven? We've always used a toaster oven. What are you most known for? Being artsy, I guess. Do you have any reputations? What are they? *shrug* What was the last thing to leave you speechless? No clue. What is the curviest part of your body? Well, I'm overweight, so it's difficult to tell where I'm naturally curvy... but I guess my hips. Even when I was at a perfectly healthy weight though, I don't think I was exceptionally curvy anywhere. What is your opinion on sex change? You are entirely deserving to feel comfortable in your own body. If you’re still a virgin, how important is your virginity to you? I'm not, though I thought I was when we were together, when we were really just using a loophole. It was a denial thing BECAUSE my virginity was so important to me. If you have lost it already, do you regret it? No. Would you take a break after graduating from high school (like, postpone going to college for a year or so)? I didn't. What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? Things I said to Jason. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Pollen. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? No. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yeah, my most recent niece I actually held. I don't THINK I held Aubree or Ryder as newborns because I was so afraid of not doing it right and hurting them. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yeah. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. What is your favorite country in Europe? Germany. How many times have your comments been top comments on YouTube? A few times. I rarely ever comment, but if I do, it's because I feel like I really have something worth saying. Would you ever wear a wig? I'm not opposed to it. Do you like the moon or sun more? The moon. Do you like turkey or ham more? Ham. Have you ever slapped someone’s butt? Yes. Do you think dimples are ugly? I think they're cute, actually. Have you ever deleted Facebook friends for a significant other? No. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Do you consider yourself a good kisser? I assume I am from experiences. Do you watch Pewdiepie? Not anymore, no. His current content doesn't interest me. The most recent thing I watched was his playthrough of The Last of Us 2, because I adore the first game and definitely wanted to see him play the sequel. I think he's pretty funny and have no personal issues against him, though then again I am so uninvolved in the fandom that I have no idea if he's done something stupid again. Do you like "Despacito?" Haha, my mind went to The Dark Den's bearded dragon before the song... I'm not a fan of it, no. Did you ever color your hair pink? No, but I absolutely want to dye it pastel pink one day. :( I even edited a picture of me "testing" different hair colors out, and pastel pink looked suuuuper pretty. Do you drink energy drinks? No, they're too strong for my taste. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? I don't now how many I have, but I know it's below 100. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No, but I enjoy the franchise. I'm not totally clear on all the lore, though. Do you like religion? Quite honestly, no. Do you swear in front of children? No. What is the next craft you are going to make? There's no telling. I don't really do crafts. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? Maybe "The Call." Favorite *N Sync song? I don't remember enough of them, at least not right now. Which of those two bands did you like best? The BSB, baby. Do you learn choreography easily? When I danced, I'd say I learned at a fairly average pace. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Reeseeeeeee's. <3 Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Have you ever been insulted or called names by a significant other? No. I wouldn't tolerate that shit. What’s your favorite movie battle scene? Oh man, idk. Maybe something from Troy, though I honestly barely even remember the movie by now, haha. Have you ever been to a same-sex wedding? No, actually. Who takes care of your pet(s) when you’re out of town? Hypothetically, one of my sisters would come to feed and water Roman and clean his box. I'm certain I couldn't talk either into spraying Venus' cage, though... What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? Some group work during therapy. Did you have a Walkman when you were a kid? No. What’s your favorite recipe you’ve come up with? Oh dear, I don't make those. Do you like celery? Yuck, no. By what age could you swallow pills? I dunno. A normal age. Do you like to drink alot of water? I need to drink more. :/ I've gotten better, though. For years, I literally never drank water. How I even survived, idk. How many times have you gone fishing? Countless times. Ever been to a roller-skating rink? Yeah. I loved having bday parties there as a lil'un. What do you refer to your mother as? (Mom, momma, mommy) Mom, Ma, and Mama. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yeah, multiple times. What is the last movie that made you cry? I think the remake of The Lion King. What would you like to swim in other than water? Nothing? If you could uninvent one thing what would you chose? Damn, just one? Maybe cigarettes? Have you ever read someone's diary? Absolutely not. I respect people's privacy. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No, but that'd be dope. Who has inspired you the most in your life? Probably Mark. Is there a place where everyone who lives near you tends to hang out? Idk. Teens sure do love to hang out at Sonic, though, reving their stupid fucking trucks. Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes; I was obsessed with those as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? I feel like being alone with a tiger would scare me most. Though let's be real, I'd probably try to pet it. Have you ever changed your favorite color? From what to what? It was originally red, but then became pink when I actually understood it was its own color. Then it was maroon forever, and now it's back to pink. On a scale of 1-10, how competitive are you? Eh, 4-6? It depends on the situation, I guess. At what age did your have your most memorable birthday? My 21st, because I was in the psych hospital for it. Yes or no: Guys in skinny jeans? Yeah, man. Yes or no: Girls with dreads? Some people can pull it off. Have you ever attended a themed b-day party? What was the theme? Oh yeah, plenty. Do you have any Eminem on your iPod/MP3 player? I do. Has anybody ever given you a promise ring? No. What do you think about putting ‘spinners’ on cars? So long as they're not too distracting, I don't care. Do what you want with your car - again, so long as it is not disruptive. What celebrity do you wish would have a big comeback? I wish poor Britney Spears could catch a goddamn break and be happy again. She's a legend that doesn't deserve to feel like a puppet. Were you outdoors or indoors more as a kid? I'd say there was a pretty even split. Do you or have you ever owned a horse? No, but I LOVE horses. Have you ever had a relationship that began via text? (weird, I know, but it happens…) Most of my relationships started through a text message. Did you believe in unicorns as a small child? I don’t think so. Would you ever date a guy with longer hair than yourself? Yeah; I have short hair anyway, and I also like long hair on guys. Do you watch the show Wizards of Waverly Place? I used to love that show. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No; humidity aside though, that would be so amazing. Bats are not spooky or are they? I think they're precious. Do you like the song "Womanizer?" I sure do, actually. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really, but I'll eat it. Do you know how to change a tire? Nope. What kind of headphones do you have? Just cheap earplugs. Do you experiment a lot with new looks on yourself? No. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? Dissecting a frog was my favorite, and doing the same with an owl pellet was also very cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Guilt. I lied to get out of group therapy early because I was just NOT feeling it whatsoever that day, and I hate lying. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? Jeez, what haven't we had... We've had cats, dogs, snakes, rats, gerbils, a rabbit, hamsters, lizards, fish, guinea pigs... Hell, I'm probably forgetting one or two. Can you name three good things about your most recent ex? She's so creative, a real advocate for proper reptile education and appreciation, and very kind. Name three bands/artists that you hate. Uhhh The Talking Heads, Bob Dylan, and The Police. What’s the best memory you have of your father? Playing softball with him in the front yard, and when he taught me to ride a bike. Should tattoos be meaningful? You get a tattoo for whatever reason you damn well want. I don't plan on all of mine to be meaningful. Some stuff I just want because I think it's cool. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Have you ever been through a trap door? No. What's the most recent good news you’ve heard? Hm. Who was the last person in your family to have a baby? My older sister. When’s the last time you used the microwave? Last night. What’s the worst thing in your life right now? Financial struggles. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? No. Have you ever been someplace tropical? Yeah, Florida. Have Jehovah'ss witnessess ever called to your door? Yep. when was the last time you went to mass/church? I have no idea. It's been many years. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Thank heavens no.

Would You Like to Know Exactly What to Eat to Lose Fat and Get Healthy Without Giving Up Your Favorite Foods or Starving Yourself?

If you're serious about achieving permanent fat loss and a complete health transformation while eating your favorite foods every meal…

I invite you to read this page.

Here’s The Deal:

In my opinion, the nutrition industry is hopelessly broken. Instead of helping people improve their health and overall physical appearance, the world is filled with myths, scams, and flat-out lies.

I mean, it’s obvious the current dietary guidelines don’t work. Just look at the stats. 71.6% of American adults aged 20 and above are overweight, of which more than half are obese![1]

Now, if you’re one of the millions of people who follow all the nutrition rules outlined by health and fitness “gurus” but still carry excess fat, it is not your fault!

The Truth Is:

No matter how genetically “doomed” you may think you are, and no matter how frustrated you may feel after trying and discarding many diets, you absolutely can have the lean and alluring body of your dreams.

You see, getting into fantastic shape isn't nearly as cruel as nutrition and fitness “gurus” want you to believe. In fact, if you avoid the four most common and catastrophic diet mistakes, shaping your dream figure is actually a simple process.

Do You Make These Four Common Diet Mistakes That Sabotage Your Health and Stall Fat Loss?

Mistake #1 ( Not being in a calorie deficit )

According to some “experts,” losing weight and keeping it off is all about controlling the types of food you eat.

They say particular foods are "fattening" because they pause fat burning and cause a hormonal environment that leads to weight gain... while other foods "balance" the system and stimulate fat loss.

While that’s partially true, it doesn't give you the full picture. The reason is that if you want to lower the number on your scale, the most important thing you must do is enter a caloric deficit.

It’s simple. If you consume more calories than you burn, you’ll gain weight. And if you consume fewer calories than you burn, you’ll lose weight. That’s a scientific fact.[2]

Looking for proof? Well, dozens of studies show the vitality of calorie balance.[3-19] One of these is a case study by Mark Haub, a professor of human nutrition at Kansas State University.[20]

He carried excess pounds and, knowing the importance of calorie balance, decided to do an experiment. For two months, he only ate foods like Twinkies, Oreos, Dorito, and protein shakes while maintaining a daily energy deficit of 800 calories.

The result? In just two months, he lost 27 pounds and reduced his body fat from 33.4% to 24.9%.

Now, I don't recommend you follow such a diet, but it illustrates my point. If you want to lose fat, you must be in a calorie deficit.

Mistake #2 ( Severe calorie restriction that gives you the metabolism of a 90-year-old lady )

If an energy deficit of 250 calories a day will get you lean, a 1,000-calorie deficit will give you the results four times as fast, right?

Wrong! Many people make this mistake, and I used to do it too before I knew any better.

The truth is, severe calorie deficits screw up your physiology. That's why almost all low-calorie dieters regain the lost pounds when they stop the program... plus, most often gain some more on top of that.

You see, your body doesn't know you're trying to get ripped for the beach. Instead, because you're starving yourself, it thinks you're stranded with no food.

As a result, your body’s metabolism will plummet to prevent you from losing weight. This means that as soon as you come off your diet, your body will store as much food as possible as fat to prepare itself for the next starvation.

That’s why it’s essential to eat according to a calorie target fine-tuned for your body, your situation, and your goals.

Mistake #3 ( Thinking all calories are created equal )

Thus far, we've looked at calories. And while calories are a crucial piece of the fat loss puzzle, they're in no way the only thing that matters. You see, when most people say they want to lose weight, they actually strive to improve their health and look better.

The thing is, if you want to accomplish such feats, you shouldn’t strive for weight loss. Instead, set your sights on fat loss. That's because losing weight doesn't necessarily improve health and appearance, but losing fat does.

Now, when it comes to fat loss, calories remain a crucial element. But what is just as crucial is your macro intake. In other words, your consumption of protein, carbs, and fat is vital. How you set up your macros has a profound effect on how your body will respond to the meals you eat.

For example, if you consume too many carbs, it’ll be near impossible to lose fat even if you maintain a calorie deficit. That’s because carbs spike insulin, a hormone that blunts fat loss in two main ways.

One of these is that elevated insulin levels block the release of fat from your fat cells.[21-23] And if your cells can't release fat, your body can never burn off the excess.

Second, elevated insulin levels cause the storage of energy found in your bloodstream to morph into body fat cells.[23-25] This means the energy won’t get burned off by tissues like muscle but instead snakes its way around to places like your hips and abs.

That’s why researchers call insulin the "fat storage hormone," and that’s why carb-rich diets make it nearly impossible to lose fat.

Insulin is but one example. Optimizing your macros is crucial for many more reasons, so in a minute I’ll show you how to set up your macros to triple fat loss.

The best part? The method I’ll show you in a minute from now is effortless to follow and never leaves you hungry. In fact, this eating style is so satiating and easy to follow that you would probably forget you were on a diet if you weren’t losing fat so fast.

Mistake #4 (Following an unrealistic, overly restrictive diet )

Willpower works like a battery – you only have so much of it until it runs out. That’s why very restrictive diets deplete your willpower, increase your cravings, and lead to binging – the exact opposite of what you want when trying to build your dream body.[26-27]

I've seen it countless times before... a guy or gal who is dedicated to losing weight and getting healthy. To kick things off, they start a diet that only allows food like tilapia, asparagus, and chicken. After all, that’s what the fitness magazines recommend.

While the results are great in the beginning and the dieter loyally brings Tupperware boxes packed with "healthy" meals wherever they go, their willpower eventually runs out and that diet gets tossed out the window.

Just keep in mind that dieting itself is already hard. Don't make it even harder for yourself by enforcing all kinds of unnecessary restrictions. Otherwise, you’ll likely take on a “screw it” mentally after a few weeks or even days, wake up in a sea of Twinkie wrappers and be back to square one.

The Solution to These Diet Blunders:

A Keto Meal Plan Customized to Your Body, Situation, Goals, and Taste Buds

If you want to take all the guesswork out of your diet and follow a guaranteed-to-work plan, then you'll love my brand-new custom keto meal plan service.

For the last few years, I’ve united leading nutritionists, personal trainers, and chefs to develop custom keto meal plans that are effective, convenient, cost-effective, and (most importantly) enjoyable.

And when I say "custom" meal plan, I mean it. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill, “here are some recipes pulled together from random blogs” meal plans many nutrition “gurus” sell for way too much money.

Instead, we tailor your entire meal plan to your own unique situation, needs, goals, and dietary preferences to ensure you experience optimal progress and follow a diet you enjoy.

In other words, your days of suffering on ineffective and overly-restrictive diets are finally over. It's time to start working based on a method that's best for you.

What Truly Sets These Meal Plans Apart is that They’re Based on the Keto Diet

Unless you were lost in the Himalayas for the last few years, I bet you've heard of the keto diet. In fact, you probably have a friend or family member who has transformed their body like magic with this diet.

But in case you didn’t know or just forgot, here’s a quick recap. A keto diet is an eating style where you consume almost no carbs, moderate amounts of protein, and high amounts of dietary fat. So, you’ll be eating tasty high-fat meals like ribeye steak with roasted garlic and butter.

“Why would you do that?” you may wonder. Well, a very low carb intake puts you into a state called “ketosis.” You see, under regular circumstances, your body relies for the most part on glucose (the stored form of carb).

When you minimize your carb intake, however, there's not enough glucose available for your body to fuel all its functions. And because some tissues like your brain cannot use fat for fuel, your body needs an alternative energy source to stay alive.

That’s where ketones come in. Ketones are chemicals produced in your liver when glucose is scarce. Various tissues like your brain can use these ketones for fuel when glucose is absent.[28] That's an excellent outcome because, otherwise, you would die.

Now, when your body uses primarily ketones and fatty acids for fuel, you're in a state called “ketosis.” That’s invaluable because...

Ketosis Gives You an “Unfair” Advantage on Your Fat Loss Goals

You’ll Get Your Custom Keto Meal Plan for Less Than 5% of What You Would Normally Pay

Having a personalized nutrition plan created just for you can get REALLY expensive REALLY fast.

If you go to a nutritionist, you'll pay around $100 for your initial meeting and an average of $400 per month for modifications and check-ins. So, for an 8-week nutrition plan, expect to pay around $900.

And after spending all that money, it's very likely you'll end up with the same outcome as the rest of their clients: devastated with your results and clueless about what to do next.

I know how it feels because I've been there myself... forking over thousands of dollars for no results. And I know how shattering it is to spend all that time and money and not even end up close to your ultimate goal.

I don’t want you to suffer from such an experience, and that’s why I'm offering this service. My goal is to help people transform their health and figure without going through the unnecessary struggles that often come with it.

That’s why I offer this service not for $900. In fact, the price is not even 5% of that because if you act today, you’ll get instant access for just $37.

I know, this is much less than what you would expect from such a service. But I want to make my custom meal plans available for everyone. And I want to help one million men and women around the world take charge of their health and figure. That’s why I don’t want price to be an issue.

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Try Your Custom Meal Plan Risk-Free and Judge for Yourself. If You’re Not Satisfied, You’ll Get All Your Money Back

May I ask advice on something? Around 8 months ago I lost my period from my ED, and gained it back(and most weight I lost) from 5 months of binge eating. I'd like to lose weight again in a more healthy way(though its really hard, I'm trying to eat 400-500 cal a day ATLEAST rn, hope to increase in future). The issue is that my period is super triggering for me, and makes me want to eat less so I can lose it again. Do you have any tips for ways to deal with this?

I'm going to be 100% honest with you, Anon. I do not think you are in a place where you are psychologically able to lose weight healthily, and it's very likely that you may never be able to actively pursue weight loss without triggering your eating disorder. Eating 500 calories a day is better than nothing, but it's still starvation. It is not sustainable, and if continued, it will eventually kill you. It is nowhere near the realm of healthy weight loss.

The truth is, even if you happen to be considered "overweight" according to an arbitrarily defined scale based on a formula created by a Belgian astronomer almost two centuries ago...even if that's the case, your restrictive eating disorder is going to destroy your health much more quickly and much more severely than carrying a bit of chub ever would (because it's just as possible to be "overweight" and still healthy as it is to be a healthy weight and unhealthy). And if you're a healthy weight, there's absolutely no reason to lose weight aside from the reasons that bitch Ana/Mia is pulling out of her ass.

Honestly, unless your weight is an immediate clinical risk as determined by a medical professional, I don't think anyone's primary goal should be weight loss.

Rather, the goal should be moderate exercise, plus intuitive eating (i.e. eating based on your body's cues), plus a healthy balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables, each part of the food pyramid, each type of macronutrient, and some treats for happiness purposes! The goal should be health--not trying to control your body, which already has a set-point weight it wants to stay at.

Furthermore, I guarantee that restricting your diet will worsen your binge-eating. You can successfully restrict for days, weeks, months at a time, but eventually it leads to a psychological phenomenon called restraint release, which causes disinhibition while eating--i.e. binge-eating. That's why bingeing is actually a symptom of restrictive eating disorders. Also, if you fall below your weight set point, your body will rebel by increasing production of ghrelin, the hunger hormone. This makes you feel really hungry all the time, which can also cause bingeing. The only way to fully solve binge-eating is to heal your body image and stop depriving yourself.

As for your period being triggering, I know it sucks, and I'm so sorry. Remember that your ED wants you to consider your period a sign of failure, but it's the opposite. It's a sign of health, and health is strength. Your period symbolizes how strong and courageous and tenacious you are. I mean, c'mon, you survive pain and bleeding for about a week out of every month--how metal is that?!

It might help to try and think about your period in a different context. For example:

If you identify as female: it's a sign of feminine strength in the face of the patriarchy. Sexist beauty standards want you to starve and shrink, but you are not afraid to eat and be healthy and take up the space you deserve. You are defeating sexism one period at a time.

If you're trans or genderqueer: you are spiting society's ideals of gender. Every time you get your period, you are living proof that not everyone with a period is a woman. Take that, gender binary!

The average menstrual cycle is almost the same length as the lunar cycle; the moon and her beauty is reflected in your own body. When you get your period, remember that you are connected to the wonders of our beautiful, mysterious universe.

Use humour to cope! Sometimes I turn my period into a comedy bit in my head: "It looks like World War III just happened in my pants. What kind of magic Kotex do those girls in period commercials have? If I wore white shorts on my period, I'd be repping Japan on my crotch."

Stuff like that. Also make sure that you are extra-vigilant about self-care around the time of your period: get 8 hours of sleep a night, drink plenty of water, eat foods you like and feel safe with, take nice warm showers, use pain meds (responsibly) if you need to, don't be afraid to take a sick day, treat yourself to a spa/movie night, etc.

But of course, the best advice will always come from mental health professionals trained in dealing with eating disorders. If you are not working with a doctor and therapist right now, I strongly encourage you to start. Seeking professional help is the best course of action for ED recovery, but at the very least, make sure you have a strong support system in the people around you.

You can do this, Anon!! You're strong and beautiful and I believe in you. Good luck! I love you! 💕

-Mod Lia

Five tips for weight loss

Looking handsome and gorgeous is not only an attractive looking aspect but also the healthy aspect to ourselves. Here we will discuss

five tips for weight loss

which should be considered during any weight loss program you are following.

Everybody needs fast and unhealthy weight loss, which is one of the most widespread obsessions in our culture today. On a daily basis, we’re bombarded with unrealistic body messages in the media, we’re part of social conversations and judgments focused on physical appearance, plus we put pressure on ourselves to be a size “perfect” every time we see ourselves in the mirror.

Generally, it has been admitted that overweight can be controlled through dieting and people practiced the weight loss program by themselves under this scenario. If you start sweating when you think about how you’ll look at an upcoming high school reunion, wedding, holiday party, or beach vacation. The pressure we put on ourselves to drop pounds fast is not only bad for our hearts and minds, it also takes a toll on our bodies. Frankly, the lose-weight-quick promises on books and products are ridiculous and dangerous.

Let’s get one thing straight before moving on: You are handsome and gorgeous, valuable, and amazing just the way you are. What I’m about to share is for those of you who want to lose weight in a healthy, balanced, and realistic way. If you focus on your overall health management and believe that it will take some time to lose your weight up to the desired level, then the weight loss procedure will be effective.

That said, the average weight loss was about 6 pounds over the course of those three weeks. SIX! That may not sound like a lot to you, but keep in mind that these pounds are far more likely to stay off. And, that’s because Crazy Sexy You includes healthy whole grains, plant-based protein, fruits and veggies, lots of water, proper rest, meditation, and simple exercise.

Now, some people lost significantly more than the average, but that often depended on how much the person had to lose and generally settled into the range I’m describing. The point is, if we want to get healthy, we need to do it in a sustainable way that works for our bodies and lives.

There are some key points for any program participants and those who continued to follow the principles of the plan are still losing weight in a healthy way. No deprivation, harsh inner critics, yo-yo dieting or obsessive weight checks. Just good food, self-care, and movement.  

Important five tips for weight loss you should keep in mind.

Target and practice for no more than 1-2 pounds of weight loss per week

Again, I know it might sound like a snail’s pace, especially if you have 50 or 60 pounds you want to lose, but shedding 1-2 pounds per week is going to get you to your goal and help you stay there. One pound is equivalent to 3500 calories. So if you lose 1 pound in a week, that means you’ve eaten 3500 fewer calories that week or burned an extra 3500 calories (or a combo of the two). Here’s a fun way to think about it: If you were to hold a pound of fat in your hand, it’s about the size of small butternut squash. Oh, my gourd! At that rate, you will have lost 25 squash in six months. Bravo!

Change your mindset for weight loss

Slow it down and be gentle with yourself. Take the pressure off and open your mind. Let go of the all-or-nothing beliefs, fads, and myths you’ve picked up along the way, especially when it comes to carbs. Consumption of unhealthy mischievous foods can be the reason for the failure of weight loss activity. If you’re feeling caught up in the stress, then you need a free pass to forgive yourself! Focus on all the other areas of your life that you’re successful in.

Instead of striving to just drop a certain amount of pounds, shift your mindset to improving your overall wellbeing with healthy foods, exercise you like, and self-care. When you do, the weight loss will inevitably follow.

Scale your weight only in a week

To be honest, this is the best of five tips for weight loss, I stopped weighing myself long ago. But if you’re curious (and hopefully not obsessed) here are some things to keep in mind. Your weight can fluctuate 3-4 pounds from day to day due to sodium intake, water loss, dehydration, and even hormone levels. If you’re stepping on the scale each morning, you may feel on top of the world one day, only to find yourself frustrated the next. Avoid this roller coaster by picking one morning a week to weigh yourself, and do it before you eat or drink anything. These numbers will be much more reliable. There’s a caveat, though. Don’t panic if you’ve been eating a veggie-loaded healthy diet, guzzling H2O, and exercising regularly and your weight is going up. You’re likely building muscle. Just keep up the great work and read tip #4. In time, the number on your scale will shift.

Avoiding the scale by and large, particularly in the first place is helpful. Rather, hold up until your garments begin fitting all the more freely. Meanwhile, simply center around connecting with your body's yearning and fulfilled prompts, just as your vitality level. Since you realize that eating well plant-fueled nourishments, skirting the garbage and liquor, organizing rest, and practicing more will get you to your objective, it's useful to make propensities that will bolster economical weight loss and wellbeing first. The scale can come later when you realize you're moving the correct way and simply need a persuasive lift.

Think about taking your body estimations and the following muscle to fat ratio week by week

As we just talked about, it can take half a month for the scale to reflect by and large weight loss, particularly in case you're practicing and eating a fair, non-craze diet. Once more, this regularly implies you're building muscle. In this way, your fat cells are diminishing in size while your muscle cells are developing and getting progressively thick. On the off chance that you've taken your "previously" hip, thigh, midsection and arm estimations, just as your muscle to fat ratio, you'll likely observe every one of those numbers drop on a week by week premise. This tells you that you're progressing nicely at a solid pace. Furthermore, seeing improvement through this viewpoint supports your certainty and responsibility. Crash diets and trends abstain from food ordinarily bring about quick weight loss, yet you're losing muscle, not fat. Thus, you might be getting more slender, yet your body is less conditioned. That is not one of your objectives!

Be careful with the things that can obstruct weight loss achievement

The last five tips of weight loss are stress, Stress is likely the greatest square to weight loss, and being worried about your weight can truly hinder your advancement. In case you're feeling along these lines, think about utilizing some loosening up basic oils, routinely getting a decent night's rest, and ruminating every day. Practices like these will help quiet your nerves and advance adjusted and long haul weight loss. What's more, stress can frequently be the consequence of the weight we place on ourselves. Here and there when we quit attempting, things happen normally—even weight loss. Make a guarantee to yourself that for 3 weeks you're just going to concentrate on sound nourishments, development, and getting rest. Without undesirable desires, you'll feel much improved, stress less, embrace more beneficial propensities, and spotlight on your successes, rather than a number.

Moderate digestion can likewise make weight loss all the more a battle. Look at my digestion boosting tips here for approaches to enable your digestion to work in support of yourself. The vast majority of them are simple things you can consolidate into your regular day to day existence. Calorie cycling—eating a greater number of calories on certain days than others—does the stunt for certain individuals. What's more, it very well may be consolidated into your life in a solid manner (remember that it is not advancing eating an enormous cheddar pizza one day and just rice cakes the following).

Planning and execution should be perfect

For instance, you can plan to appreciate an extraordinary solid treat each other day. Or on the other hand, since you realize that the ends of the week will likely incorporate more calories, you settle on more astute supper decisions Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. In the event that you follow these rules, cycling calories can fire up your digestion and give you the weight-loss edge you need in a feeding and adjusted way.

On the off chance that you feel mooched out by adopting a moderate strategy to weight loss, contemplate this. Fast weight loss is, in all honesty, a weight-loss executioner. Losing more than 3 or 4 pounds seven days is OK for up to 14 days on the off chance that you have a lot of weight to lose, yet keeping up this pace not just brings down your digestion altogether and for all time, it likewise brings down your supplement savings. This regularly prompts vitality accidents and yearnings, however, it can likewise imply that your weight will rush to return and increasingly hard to lose next time.

Flowing through these five tips for weight loss will support the perspective for your goal of reducing weight. Making a perceptive and all around paced way to deal with weight loss is the initial phase in building up a sound connection with your body. Since you have the structure squares, I trust you'll move your regard for giving yourself more love and giving your body more opportunity to accomplish its objectives.

Must Read: Top 8 And Best Shoulder And Arm Workout

Where I’m At

Fluffy. What a word. It used to be one I attributed to adorable animals and cozy blankets; but now...“Have I gotten fluffy?” I asked as I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked at every muscle, every blemish, every nook and cranny of my body, as I’ve inspected so many times before, looking for a change.

That morning I had gotten up, worked out (to the best of my ability in my tiny little living room), and went about my day. I felt as though I was working as hard as I could to keep my progress, with the gym being closed, and I felt strong.

As I’m sure everyone can relate, when our world as we knew it recently came to a drastic halt, I panicked. Aside from the obvious anxieties, I quickly became aware how much of my mental health relied on a barbell. With the news of closures, I instantly started restricting again. Not to the same extent I had before, but consciously knowing I was holding back. Every bite comes with deep and overwhelming guilt. As much as I wanted to think I’d recovered, as much as I wanted to think I was strong, I can see now that I have traded one obsession with my weight, to one with my strength.

I won’t go into the gory details about how I handled all of this *Read: NOT WELL”, but I got by.  I worked out daily, I established a routine, I tried not to restrict to the best of my ability and gave myself some grace when those nasty little habits and the ED voice reared their ugly heads. But then I seen a photo of myself, I felt like I looked fluffy. “Was my muscle depleting? Where have my abs gone? Have I gained weight?” In that moment, staring at myself in that dreaded mirror, a switch flipped. One second, I was neutral, I didn’t love my body, but I appreciated it and I felt strong; and the next I felt an overwhelming feeling of disgust. All I could see were those imperfections, the weight gain since I began recovery. I felt that wasn’t working hard enough. I felt like the weight gain wasn’t worth it because I was still having these feelings. I suddenly felt like the whale I so proudly had tattooed to my side. It certainly didn’t help that every second post on social media was about binge eating and gaining the quarantine fifteen.

I say all this knowing full well how narcissistic it must seem. And believe me, I have extreme guilt feeling these feelings. There is a global pandemic and I’m over here worrying about my weight. But that is the reality about living with an eating disorder. It’s an all-consuming devil, an addiction. My logical brain knows there are WAY bigger issues. It also knows that recovery is healthy and for the best, that my muscle isn’t just going to magically turn to fat, especially if I’m still working out. But there I was, standing in front of that mirror, watching myself change from a strong, determined woman to a weak, overweight child. But, if there is anything we’ve learned about reading though my ramblings over the past few years, is that I am ferociously stubborn. So, I’m not giving up. I’m determined to continue my recovery, no matter how much guilt and shit I feel right now.

So that is where I’m at. I’m not ok, but I know someday I will be. I say this in hopes of reaching someone else who isn’t ok. Don’t beat yourself up, as hard as that may be (Believe me, I know). Give yourself some grace, give yourself some time, and know that its ok not to be ok. Most importantly, know your not alone. We may not be close, hell I may not even know you, but I’m here for you. We are stronger than we think, especially if we support one another.

Huge shout out to my partner for being the best support system I could ask for and for constantly reminding me I’m beautiful, and I'm not alone.

So to you my lovelies; stay strong, stay safe, and stay the blazes home.

Your perpetually hungry herbivore,

Nat

i just need to vent here

NI’m going to put a read more link in here so its not just this extremely long post but i need to vent where no one i know is going to see it and get all offended but i also need to look like i’m doing gre prep. this is mostly me just yelling into the void but i’d also appreciate any advice or feedback anyone wants to give.

i don’t want to accidentally hurt someone so trigger warnings for discussion of eating disorders, depression, anxiety, emotional crisis, mention of rape, mention of homophobia, dead dove do not eat

so, my mom and i had another fight last night that kinda picked up again this morning and i feel really shitty but i’m not gonna stop obsessing over it and everything else it stirred up until i get it out so i’m just gonna stream of consciousness over here.

lately it seems all my mom ever do is fight and i made her cry again so i guess that makes me the asshole because the guilt is real right not but guilt and self-hatred is also my general default i think so maybe i’m being to hard on myself? like, its not like i also didn’t want to cry and i feel like she took my words and twisted them around into something i didn’t mean but i also don’t know what i meant. and we’re both so similar so maybe we were just both being defensive and oversensitive even though we both give Dad shit for that and great now i feel bad about that because i always take her side in fights because i feel like i need to protect her and my brother always takes his side but that’s a whole other can of worms. but also, so what if we are? like aren’t all emotions supposed to be valid? or does it matter even if they are?

we fight about everything these days and every joke i make offends her and i’m just teasing but she keeps taking it to the extreme, taking it as criticism on issues i’m not even talking about. and this time i was defensive and she was defensive because i was defensive and i tried to explain it and it just made it worse.

like, this time we were talking and i don’t remember how we got on the subject but i think it was because we were talking about this new diet my dad is going on because my paternal grandmother  won’t stop blaming my mom for my dad being so overweight and i know i should have been stepping lightly because dad had just been teasing her for saying she wished the nutritionist would have found some easy to fix problem other than his diet/activity levels so his mom would get off her ass about it. and like, i get why my grandmother is concerned, he is very overweight and needs an ankle replacement he can’t get until he loses like 150 lbs and she already has an unhealthy paranoia about her own weight after an entire childhood of her own mother fatshaming her and her sisters but also it’s ridiculous to just blame my mother and her cooking considering that when he put on all the weight originally it was when he was working for his uncle and only ate one meal she cooked a day and was going to fast food places twice a day, like the dude has some responsibility here, but also he carries it just like his dad, male cousins, and three paternal uncles so there’s obviously some genetics working against him, but most importantly right around the time this first started he fell through a roof at a construction site and completely shattered all the bones in his right ankle and was completely bedridden for over a year while on serious painkillers that probably didn’t help. but anyway she was already upset and in a weird headspace because she had an eating disorder in high school, so i should have been more careful and empathetic but she started talking about one of my roommates and how health conscious she is and how thin she is and how she probably has eating disorder and i kinda snapped because i know she means well but damn if it didn’t bring up so many other issues that i was just slammed right back into 

because she always has something to say about my friends. for as long as i can remember she has criticized my friends in ways that makes me question my relationship with them and i know she just is trying to protect me and be involved in my life but her good intentions are still a major cause of so many of my issues and i was end up lonelier and more self-isolating as a result. and my roommates are my best friends and the one she criticizes the most (like what feels like every time we talk about her, to the point where she’s convinced my mom hates her) has been so important in showing me how sheltered and naive i was and has brought me out of my shell and helped with my self-worth so much and is literally the first person in my life who told me i don’t have to always be looking out for other before myself. i don’t owe the world and its okay to live for me sometimes.

and this one, she’s so quiet and she doesn’t like to interact with people she doesn’t deem worth her time and maybe she can be a little cold and judgy but she’s always good to me and she’s been protective and as someone who has always been on the outside of every group the fact that she deems me worth her time and her advice really means a lot and i can acknowledge her flaws but just earlier this weak my mom was talking about how cold she thinks megan is so i was already primed to be defensive. so my mom starts talking about how megan probably has a body image issue since she’s so conscious of her weight and i’m like??? she never talks about weight. the only time she talks about food is when we’re comparing recipes and yeah she eats healthy and puts effort into that but she’s a lifelong vegetarian and she’s usually trying to balance that out with her needs as a cross country runner but because she’s not competing anymore apparently that means that the fact that she still runs every morning and eats like a cross country runner when she doesn’t have to (never mind that she still runs marathons, and she likes running) means she has body image issues and the when we go out for ice cream she’s overindulging because of it. and look at how skinny she is, even though she’s 4′ 10″ and all muscle, like i’d be worried if she wasn’t?

and maybe i’m in denial but i think i would know. i’ve lived with her three years and my mom has met her like six times and never longer than an hour at a time. and she says she was just trying to help me be a good friend and her words fit but her tone came off as criticising and maybe i jumped to conclusions but it felt like one more thing that was wrong with me and my friendship. and maybe i’m just being defensive because on some level i’m worried that what if she’s right, that means i’ve been oblivious and a bad friend and  is she calling me a bad friend, like is that coming from me or just my own insecurities? because i am insecure about whether i’m capable of being a good friend because i always end up left behind and mom keeps saying that i intimidate them or make them feel judged or guilty because i always stick to the rules and do i come off judgy? i don’t try to i try so hard to be openminded but then i’m just accused of becoming a screaming liberal what do you want from me, i just don’t know how to be anything but a pleaser. 

anyway i made the mistake this morning of responding when she was telling me that she doesn’t understand why i’m so defensive and i told her the truth that she has always criticized my friends be it that “piper was obviously raised without enough supervision and that’s why she drinks and likes to push boundaries and wants to be older than she is which is why i’m worried about her influence on you” never mind that we’re 21 and she hasn’t done anything i don’t know for a fact my mom did at her age. and then courtney and jai-lyn and jessica and all the girls i hung out with in the library who were my only close friendships in middle school, they were just weird and had weird interests, even though all our interests were the same and i was also the “weird” kid at school, that���s why i didn’t have friends. we were weird because we were good at school, we were passionate about the books we were reading, we were stereotypical middle school fangirls, but at least we were happy? and we were age appropriate but it was never good enough and i should hang out more with the sort of girls on student council and on sports teams never mind that i tried that and we didn’t have anything in common, and they were mean and i was happy with my friends and i get she wanted to help but when i did have a problem with that group when i was upset that hope had been secretly pregnant in high school and had her sister lie to us for months and we only found out because she posted a photo at seven months on facebook and i was just upset she hadn’t trusted us to have her back when we had been so close and just wanted to vent to my mother and have her on my side it was all “well maybe you should have been more approachable and less judgmental like you’re being now” like i know that but i just wanted someone to acknowledge that the lying was shitty. and even if i did mess up, i was fifteen and just wanted my mom to be conforting. but i can never vent because all i get are suggestions on what to do better and i appreciate the intent, i do, but occasionally i would like to be told that i’m good enough.

so anyway i said that i was wrong to be so defensive i just felt that she was trying to criticize either my friend or my ability to perceive my friend because when she complains about my friends i feel like i have to defend myself and them. and she went off on my about how she was just trying to help me be a good friend so that i would be able to be there for her because her own friends hadn’t been there for her, and her mom hadn’t supported her, and no one believed her when she was raped and since i know that i should be a little more aware, and i should know that my mother is not an evil person, and that she is not trying to be malicious, and how hurt she is by me saying that she criticizes my friends when i have heard her say the same thing about her mother, and how dare i imply she’s a bad mom like her mother when i know how much she has hurt her” and this whole time i’m trying to explain that i know she’s not trying to hurt me, i know her intentions are good, i’m just trying to say how it made me feel but she’s talking over me and i’m also annoyed that she’s kinda implying that if we hadn’t had this conversation i wouldn’t be there for my friend when she needed me and also implying that i wouldn’t believe my friends if they came to me about a sexual assault. like, give me some credit here. i’m usually the one between my mother and i who’s saying we need to address rape culture, and women’s word should be more valued, but now i’m the bad guy because it hasn’t happened to me.

and i know my mom had trauma. so many of her parenting choices so obviously link back to what i know about her past.  She was the youngest of three kids and an accident later in life so her parents were kinda sick of the whole parenting thing and were almost completely hands-off, which let my mom get in a lot of bad situations, so she micromanaged everything. I was the textbook overachieving child has no idea what to do when everyone else catches up. i got good grades in school, so if my grades ever were less than perfect i apparently wasn’t trying hard enough and she knew i could do better so why was i letting myself down like this and when i got straight a’s or awards it wasn’t “i’m so proud of how hard you worked” it was “i’m proud of how smart you are” or “i wish i had been that smart” which sounded nice but ignored that i had to bust my ass for those grades, at the expense of extracurriculars and friendships and my mental health to the point that i had a breakdown in the middle of my senior english class over getting an 89 on essay because failing wan’t okay and anything that would drop my grade from an A+ was a failure. nevermind that my little brother was rewarded anytime he got a grade higher than a D because they expected them to fail. 

and its like that in so many areas. nothing i ever do is good enough on its own. its just “okay, now what are you going to do next” and I feel like i’m drowning here. If its not my friends, it’s my lack of a dating life. My whole childhood, she told me not to get married or have kids young because it would ruin my life (she was twenty when she married my dad and 21 when she had me) and how disappointing it was to see all these young girls more focused on dating and romantic validation instead of school or their careers. She was happy i didn’t date in high school (I didn’t have the time to date and still get perfect grades, even if i had wanted to). but now i’m about to graduate college and have still never been in a relationship (i still don’t have time to get good grades, have a job [since i’m mostly on my own for school costs], write a thesis for the honors program she wouldn’t let me drop, hang out with friends and date, and i’m pretty sure i’m ace) and suddenly she wants to ask me about whether i’m seeing someone every time i call home and is getting progressively more frustrated that “i’m too shy and not willing to make this a priority”. and 1) why the hell would you think it was going to magically become a priority when my whole life you have told me it shouldn’t be, and 2) i’m pretty sure i’m asexual, and have no fucking clue what my romantic orientation is but i might be into girls a little because the closest things to crushes I've ever had have been toward my female friends, and that’s a whole other can of worms since when i experimentally float the concept of asexuality or not being interested in sex i get dismissed and while she says she’s okay with my cousin being gay anytime someone makes a joke about the possibility of my brother or I being on the LGBT spectrum the whole family makes really homophobic comments. and i’m torn because if she ever found out i was scared to come out to her she’d be really pissed and hurt about “how dare i think she would react badly” but i’m pretty sure she would react badly, either in anger or in dismissive “you’re being ridiculous, you just don’t know what you’re missing”. i get that one a lot. I've talked about how i have no interest in ever being pregnant and she just keeps telling me i’m wrong to not want that experience regardless of the fact that i have really bad type 3 EDS that i get from her (though her case isn’t as bad) which is a connective tissue disorder that goes hand and hand with POTS and i already have chronic dislocations, severe scoliosis, am in constant pain, and a heart arrhythmia. Plus, we know that my symptoms already get worse when my hormones get out of wack during my period, and pregnancy is known to make eds so much worse, permanently (since its a degenerative condition). And she’s always dealing with consequences of being pregnant that are worse because of the eds, like how the scar-tissue from her c-section is much worse than it should be and keeps causing adhesions that cause her a lot of pain, and pelvic floor keeps trying to collapse, and i almost died during labor because the stress fucked with my heart so bad. and i know of women with eds whose joints were permanently fucked or who know have to walk with a cane because of how much damage their pelvises went through in childbirth, so yeah i’d rather not risk it when i’ve always wanted to adopt anyway but anytime i express any of this she gets upset because either “i’m so sorry your mother is an idiot! It’s not like she speaks from experience” <- exact quote, or “you need to stop letting this illness dictate your life, i didn’t raise a victim but that's the problem with your generation, you always think you’re a victim” which argh. and i might be okay with that last argument if she didn’t constantly tell me that i need to be more proactive about taking care of my body because of my condition (which is exactly what i’m trying to do with the not wanting to be pregnant thing, but apparently this just applies to how i need to eat better and exercise more ]even though most exercises hurt and use up too many spoons for me to work out and do everything else i need to] because i can’t afford to gain anymore weight [again, this is why i have so much fucking guilt every time i eat], or to how i apparently need to tell everyone in my life that i could faint at anytime [but stop making everything about your condition, Nicole]).

Anyway, long story short, i feel like nothing i ever do is good enough and i always have to be the bigger person and let it go when i’m upset. and i do love her, and i know she loves me but it just feels conditional even if i’m pretty sure its not. and i never know if i’m being too hard on, since i know she has trauma and is trying to help, but i have trauma too even if a different kind, and i have diagnosed but unmedicated anxiety and depression and i need validation from others and i just want to be told one time that i’m enough or that she’s sorry for all of the pressure she constantly puts on me, and i feel guilty for being so selfish when she needs me but, also, she’s my mom? i’m sick of having to parent everyone around me and then getting told its none of my business and i need to be more respectful. I just can’t win and i feel like i’m going to explode and i feel so guilty and so angry at myself and at her and then more guilt and anger for feeling guilt and anger to the point that i don’t know how to feel anything anymore. today’s just a really bad day and i feel like i keep getting more and more broken and conflicted about everything from politics to sexuality to religion i don’t know what to feel or what i think anymore...